#but tumblr has been fucking up everything ive been trying to do

[1980ssunflower]

Min doodle 💙🚬

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

[thaltro]

helloo ! ive been wanting to ask if you have any specific tips or things to focus on while writing characters with DID ! im not a system myself but psychology in general has been a topic that ive always been interested in and want to depict it to the best of my ability + i love your art and wish you the best ^^

Good question!

Writing about DID/OSDD is incredibly difficult- even I a system probably couldn’t do it, but I can give you some advice regardless. Obviously saying “research” is expected, but finding good research on it is hard. As always I recommend as a starter for understanding the fundamentals of the disorder : “The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and Treatment of Chronic Traumatization” just look that up and I’m sure you can find it on the internet archive or docdriod. As a rule of thumb don’t trust system tiktok, tumblr, carrds, or any personal account to get the majority of your information from just because there’s an incredible amount of misinformation (of course there’s plenty others on there who probably know what they are talking about, but I’d always recommend using credible peer reviewed sources.)

With the research disclaimer thing out of the way here’s a few points:

-It’s a trauma based disorder, everything is structured around trauma. Not just a singular trauma but repeated emotional, physical, and typically sexual trauma that is experienced under the age of 10 (You don’t need all three, just a lot of systems experience a mix of trauma) To write DID/OSDD right you should be able to write child traumatization accurately and be comfortable with writing it.

-There is a vast amount of different experiences with DID/OSDD. There are varying levels of amnesia, alter presentations, system structures etc. not all systems use plural terms, have names for alters, or have much personality differentiation between alters. The experience of a Osdd1a system will be different to a DID system, so you’d probably want to look into the specifics of those differences and stick to one type of system.

-Try to avoid misconceptions and DID tropes in media. The most obvious one I can think of is “the evil alter” trope, there’s quite a lot of demonization of the disorder so you have to be critical when viewing media depicting it (fuck the split movie).

-unless it’s apart of a character arc avoid the uncritical idea that alters are just their source. it’s healthy for them to branch out and expand from their baseline purpose and identity.

As for things I’d like to see in DID/OSDD rep it’d be:

-representing extreme denial

-loss of time

-source separation would be cool

-fusion and dormancy being mentioned

A lot of media hyper focuses on Alters when that is only one aspect of system hood. I think I’d be cool to look at the other symptoms.

But overall, it would be a really hard task to write a system especially without being one. I’m not saying it’s impossible but it’s easy to fall into misrepresentation even if it’s well meaning (it’s easy to do that even if a person is a system, that’s why I’m too scared to write it) If you are going to do it, do a very thorough amount of research before you develop an idea of a character. I know I sound really upset at the idea, I’m not I do really like the idea of representation- but DID/OSDD is such a stigmatized disorder that you have to be so so so careful not to add onto the stigma. I do believe it’s possible to do it right though! I wish you luck and thank you for the compliment.

[kamaela]

a year of fandom in recs

cutie pie @garagepaperback tagged me in a 2024 fandom wrap up post and so yeah, i'll hop on the sentimental train. i've been inspired by so many things this year and i shall do my best to honour them in the rambling list below!

--

having previously been an avid lurker, i've thoroughly enjoyed making friends with some truly inspiring people in this fandom. without a doubt this has been a bright, bright spot on my year and im so grateful! you're all so wonderful and i love you and hope you know that.

@kk1smet has been a source of joy and inspiration from the start. my first ever fic (Got Me Started) was inspired by their prompts, and then my first ever fest fic (Mirror, Me) was sparked by their stunning art. THEN they honoured me with my first ever fanart for my fic (To Be Punished). im so blessed to call them a friend!

i can draw a straight line from every single word i've posted on ao3 to the fanworks that inspired them. ive read/seen sooo many wonderful things this year and it's impossible for me to name them all. ive picked out a few below the cut that are directly responsible for lighting a fire in me so strong i had to write that shit down. if you haven't already, please give some of these fanworks a go, they're all top notch.

+ @yiiiiiiiikes25 wrote cruising altitude from the raven cycle fandom and it fucking rocked my world. i am telling you right now, i have never read anything like it. it is an absolute masterclass in craft. every single word is thoughtful and precise. i thought i knew what voice and diction and pov were and how they can be used to tell the story you want to tell but really, i had no idea. yikes has this way of pulling you so deeply into a characters pov that its honestly disorienting to come out of. i fell in love with these random boys from a fandom i'd never read nor cared for, and i keep going back. i don't care if you are drarry monogamous, if you want to experience some of the best this dumb hobby we're all addicted to has to offer, i implore you, go read cruising altitude. go. GO. and then go read the rest of yikes catalogue bc ofc they also do drarry impeccably.

+ @garagepaperback i read this heaven of mud and haven't been the same since. then i read javelin and ive been permanently altered once more. not only is garage directly responsible for exes becoming my all time favourite trope, but the way they explore the deep, long-lasting effects of trauma (in these and all your other fics) is second to none! its incredibly beautiful and impactful and has left such as lasting impression on me. and all that is wrapped up in some of the most poetic and stunning prose ive ever had the pleasure of reading?!?!! get out of here (but also please dont i value our friendship dearly)

+ @mintawasalreadytaken i read All I Want For Kwithmath and then i went on a tear and read most of their Dead Drarry: Do Not Eat series and honestly had the BEST TIME. they write some of the greatest toxic, kinky, fucked up drarry, but somehow make it so i really fucking care about these two idiots, and want the best for them?? minta is so good at hooking you right from the top and then pounding those hooks in deeper and deeper. the end result is that i now cradle toxic drarry in my hands and wont ever let them go (and sometimes I even try writing them)

+ @eleadore's as the plant that never blooms and everything i could ever want helped to shape and sand the edges of the drarry dynamic i love and want to write! el writes some of the hottest, most rewarding, prickly to tender drarry out here. pls run don't walk.

+ @faiell and i shared our drarry fic debuts on ao3 this year and their fic, Purple, absolutely blew me out of the water. it's expertly written, hot as fuck, contains the shifting power dynamics that are at the core of what i love about drarry, and has SUCH A satisfying ending. i was grinning and cackling for about 3-4 business days after reading. (also peep their tumblr to scream at their art) fai, i've said it before and ill say it again, i'll follow you into fire, i really will.

this post is getting far far too long but i cannot end it without also mentioning some (not exhaustive) of the STAND OUT creators i've had the pleasure of experiencing for the first time this year. i'll include a rec (all drarry unless stated otherwise) + whatever unhinged drivel i put in my bookmark for each but it goes without saying that the talent runs deep and id rec multiple creations from these guys if this post wasn't already novel length.

@citrusses' Our Objective Remains Unchanged: THE drarry muggle au. reread a 100x material

@oknowkiss' draco malfoy's substitute murder service: this made me laugh out loud at several points and its only 10k!!!! also draco is simply lovely, i love him so so so so very much i want to be his friend and just listen to him talk and be insane. this whole thing is thoroughly enjoyable.

@mono-chromia's Red Wine Supernova: everything about this is wonderful, the relationship development, the sex, the writing. you'll want draco to step on your face after reading.

@putridpommes' [ART] Step by step (NSFW): sub harry. draco stepping on face. neon and sweat. what more do you need.

Helenish's A Soft Spot For Lost Causes (draco/ron): trauma treated kinda unserious but still seriously. gorgeous dialogue.

wild (orphaned): Okay so the banter/dialogue is unmatched, the relationship development bw draco and harry is soooo realistic and so delicious. a study on learning about yourself what it means to forgive

corvuscrowned's An Emerald In The Sky: stretched and pulled taut by this story, perfect longing/pining/yearning, heartbreaking and beautiful

peu_a_peu's The Superfluous Man: utterly delightful, hilarious, i want to stay in the feeling this fic gave me forever and ever. never not thinking about flustered yet domestic draco, endless quotes. An mpreg?? WHAT?? it's peu.

@stratigraphywrites' Untouched: this is delicious!!!! the push and pull between draco and harry is expert. extremely extremely hot

@lemonlimelea's we'll start anew: yeah this is wayyyy stunning, gorg writing, long time span capturing all different facets of harry and draco's relationship

@hephaestiions' It's You: one of those ones that leaves you panting and scratching the walls, crying for more.

okay if you read all this, thank you i love you. happy new year!

No pressure tagging any of the above plus @dryrsheet @its-the-allure @phoenixortheflame @smehur. would love to read about your year in review!

[azriels-shadowsinger]

Brother’s Best Friend (Azriel x Reader)

summary: you are cassian’s sister and have a thing for azriel

wc: 1K

a/n: this is my first fic ive written for tumblr since like 2014 i think so sorry if its absolute garage. this is also not proof read at all and honestly i wrote this while tipsy bc ive been nervous to write again so i’m just saying fuck it i’m sorry :)

warnings: slight smut/suggestiveness

You always looked up to Cassian since you were little.

Like most big brothers, he has always been protective as fuck, especially with growing up in the windhaven camp and becoming solely responsible for you after your mother died.

He shielded you from so much in your childhood because he wanted the best for you.

Like many little sisters, you thought Cassian and his friends were the coolest males alive and wanted to follow them everywhere.

You basically had three big brothers instead of one.

They would try to include you as much as possible, but sometimes they did certain things that you definitely should not be around and would find some excuse to get rid of you.

But at the end of the day, the three of them would stand up to just about anyone for you to protect you. And they did.

They only let you join the snowball fight once and then kicked you out because it wasn’t fair that you only targeted Cassian the entire time and that Azriel felt bad throwing snowballs at you.

Also you were a child and couldn’t throw far enough to hit any of them, but they still say you suck at snowball throwing to this day.

When you got older, you desperately tried to ignore the rumors you heard about the boys around the camp. No one needs to hear about their brother’s sex life.

When the four of you moved to Velaris and after everything with Rhysand’s family, they were all very protective over you.

Over time, you and Azriel grew closer. His close friendship with Cassian led to you becoming closer with him than Rhys.

He is soooo protective of you.

So much so that no one bats an eye when he scares off any male that tries to court you, claiming they are not worth your time.

“I’m not overprotective, I just don’t think that any of these males meet your standards.” Aka his standards for you

Having a shadow or two follow you around became the norm.

You and Azriel start to spend a lot of one on one time together, platonically at first. You two are definitely the comfortable silence type.

Reading your separate books on the couch together was a common occurrence.

You spent years trying to ignore the shift in how you viewed Azriel.

Neither of you are quite sure when you realized the change in your relationship, but one day you became very aware of how attractive you find him.

The shy and quiet boy quickly became the silent and mysterious male.

And Azriel isn’t quite sure when you went from being Cassian’s kinda annoying younger sister to a vivacious female with curves he can’t keep his eyes off of.

The emotional connection had been there for centuries through friendship, but once it became physical attraction, you both knew you were screwed.

One night after drinking at Rita’s, Cassian asked Azriel to make sure you got home safe.

The alcohol inhibits both of your judgements and you both end up in your bed that night.

“You don’t know how long I have wanted to do this. No other male even deserves the chance to try to make you feel as good as I do.”

He was your first (again because he scared away every single male who tried to come near you) and it was fucking adorable

Waking up next to your brother’s best friend is a different level of anxiety.

You freak out and tell him this absolutely cannot happen again. You make an effort to avoid being alone with him.

But obviously Azriel is not content with just one night after getting a taste of you.

He spends the next several weeks slowly breaking down your walls with sneaky touches and whispering dirty things in your ear when no one is watching.

Eventually you cave and end up at his door one night, pissed at him for succeeding, but also practically begging him to fuck you again.

And again. And again.

It took no time at all for the actual feelings to be revealed between you two and to start secretly dating.

And from there it’s months of sneaking around and pretending to be just friends in front of others.

Az feels sooo guilty about lying to his friend but you don’t want to tell Cassian because you know he will freak out.

He asks you so many times to tell Cassian because he hates lying to him.

And Rhys is so suspicious of you two but doesn’t want to interfere.

Eventually Cassian catches you two.

He enters Azriel’s room without knocking one night to ask some stupid question and finds Azriel with his face between your legs. We all know Az loves eating you out so obviously.

Cassian is pissed.

As in, he tries to fight Azriel.

But Azriel just lets him and doesn’t fight back because he knows he fucked up by not saying anything sooner.

You start screaming and put yourself between the two of them to get Cassian to stop, which makes Azriel immediately move to cover you in case Cassian doesn’t react quick enough to stop.

Cassian sees how protective Azriel is of you and how you were willing to throw yourself in front of Azriel to defend him and realizes this isn’t just some casual thing between you two.

It takes a couple days for him to forgive Azriel for lying. He forgives you within one day because you always have been able to use your puppy dog eyes on him to get what you want.

Eventually Cassian accepts your relationship.

But he threatens Azriel that if he ever hurts you, he will do something so severe that Az wouldn’t tell you what he said.

Cassian still makes an overdramatic scene of gagging every time you and Azriel are affectionate in front of him.

Which only makes you do it more to piss him off because that’s what sisters do.

[andromeddog]

hi! i really like your wwi art! i was wondering if there’s any tips for drawing helmets? specifically german helmets (im doing an art project about all quiet on the western front)? thank you for your time!

hiiii anon ty for enjoying my work!! your question makes me a little nervous bc i am really uh not good at drawing helmets. esp the stahlhelms…. but i will try to give u at least a little bit of insight to how i approach them!

um did u know? the stahlhelm is actually my worst enemy. it’s such a fucking stupid shape i hate hate hate. the side view is p iconic and recognizable but oof that front view just kills me. u have this HUGE semi rounded dome on top and then a bit of an angle once u get to the skirt/visor. no matter how u view it u can see the distinct way the skirt pokes outward, i think thats rly important to getting the shape right. i know i sound like a broken record but reference is reaaally ur best pal. google, pinterest, books, ppl are big fans of stahlhelms (some for…. iffy reasons) so u can find a lot of them online

one thing that has super helped me has been looking up 3d models! sketchfab or turbosquid r the ones i browse the most…. its rly useful to b able to rotate the whole thing and see its full shape, not just the one angle u get from a picture! that also helps ur brain visualize it as a full 3d object, which translates into a drawing (the more u study it/look at ref the better u will understand how it sits irl)

urgh okay. and then just examples of how ive drawn them. but again! peep that distinct angle! idk some of these r more successful and others r ummmmmmm. truly u can see how i use shading to just completely cover the areas im not confident with haha. rly examining these i can just see how wack the shape of these helmets are…..

oh also i would recommend checking out @/thespookedookie here on tumblr, they do some seriously incredible work centered around ww1 and aqotwf! they r a great source of inspo i love their art and style and everything

ok thats rly all i got! i’m sorry im not more helpful, u caught me in the middle of a series of bad days so i am not at my best or most coherent. but i hope this can help with your project in any sort of way! feel free to send any more questions u have, i will try to get to them in a timely manner :)

[moonshynecybin]

do you have any motogp fic recs?

yeah sure man. im gonna keep it simple (ao3 only) because i am a capricious bookmarker and refuse to wade through the weeds of tumblr fic as im not a natural tagger. no order just vibes. all of these i love and reread !

cant change that, cant change you by kingsquarding

Marc at the ranch for the (second) first time.

this fic is the platonic ideal of marc and vale post reconciliation being TOGETHER and at the RANCH and trying to make it WORK but they are also. still being a little messed up. themes include: guilt. injury. marc trying to get vale to stop treating him like glass and FUCK HIM already because he doesnt want to admit that their relationship/his body has changed since he was twenty. delicious.

Che Spettacolo! by serve_cunt

“What do you think,” Vale says, and leans against the doorframe. “Will he come?” Uccio stays silent. Of course he will come, he wants to say. In what world does he stay away? In what world can he resist?

sending uccio to the cuck chair. outside POV rosquez always hits for me becuase they match each other's freak in so many ways its fun to see what antics they engage in as obsevered by someone more normal. in this case. uccio. also helps get around vale's shit ass communication because its him through the eyes of someone who KNOWS that vale is being WEIRD. even if marc doesnt. fun and SEXY. academic au by the same author ALSO slays

of crashing and burning (and falling for you) by Anonymous

It has always been Marc and Valentino, Valentino and Marc. Two rivals inseparable on- and off-track throughout their careers, their story so closely intertwined they might as well have been the same person, dominating their beloved sport between the two of them. Then Marc breaks his arm, Vale loses their championship, and they are left trying to pick up the pieces. AKA a rosquez same age AU.

someone wrote out. elle and i's same age au. and it was so perfect i legit struggle to answer asks about this au now because im just like. its in the AU !!! its all here !!! really nails vale in this specific scenario imo... all the love and resentment and self-imposed walls and. my favorite of all. the exact way these guys talk in press conferences. like their exact diction. hits the spot beautifulperfect

arms out like an angel by yekoc

“Does Marc still work here?” he asks. He can’t think of the word for performing. “I dunno, man,” the guy says. “Sorry, I’m new.” Vale blinks at him. “Find out,” he says, and then, annoyed at himself for the impatience, “if you can. I came a long way.”

the efficiency of word choice in terms of characterization in this one really moves me... every line has implications !!! sexy ones even !!! and theres so much baseline CHEMISTRY and inability to really STAY AWAY from each other but also. a tense little undercurrent of slight misunderstanding and hurt that makes it stand out... i also just love fics where marc pushes back just a lil and vale has to like. figure out what to do with that. in a horny way. yekoc's bezzcele also goes crazy if you wanna think about nipple piercings as much as i do

All I Wanted by agnst-crrnt

The first time it happens is just after Marc’s 10th birthday. He’s about to complain to his parents about how Álex always finishes the milk and then puts it back into the fridge, when the faces of his parents’ blur in front of him. Marc closes his eyes, trying to make it better and grabs onto the edge of the table. He can hear his mama ask him if he’s okay, before everything stops. or Rosquez Time Travel Au, where Marc randomly gets teleported through time, always ending up somewhere around Vale

hey thats my friend. rosquez time travel au as ive said my favorite thing to think about maybe EVER !!! really love the strict marc POV on this one and how you REALLY see the. youre in love so you go. and his just. his ceaseless romanticism and optimism wrt to vale and their relationship that fits this fic concept SO well. guest appearances from pedrenzo as well yayyyyy

i give into the fall series by lestelledreams

Her and Pol were good; they did win a gold at Junior Worlds after all, and that’s not something anyone can just go out there and do. But her and Valentino – they could become great. Mar’s never been more sure of anything in her life. or, The first year of Mar's and Vale's partnership.

genderbend figure skating au where marc gets to have all his weird injury complexes explored AND it gets slutty AND we get to see his freak ass ambition. imagine if motogp was a pairs sport (like actually not just in a fake way) and marc had the option of pairing up with vale. imagine how crazy he would go trying to make that happen adfhdflk

a hundred ninety-nine degrees by hardlythewiser (sequinedfairy)

“You should fuck me again,” Bez says. It trips out, all his defenses worn down by the long, annoying day of meetings, by the feeling of Cele above him, pressing him down into the couch, by Cele’s bright clear gaze. Above him, Cele doesn’t smile with his whole face, scrunching up his eyes, like he did the first time Bez asked. He doesn’t smile at all, just keeps looking at Bez. “Really?” he asks. “I didn’t know – did you like it, last time?”

cele tops lets GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. some fics just. have an ability to pierce directly towards what actually and precisely makes a pairing or a situation or a dynamic SEXY, while also revealing a new facet of said dynamic that i've never thought about in depth before. this is one of those. fuck him!!! make him cry !!!! perfect !!!

i was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy (whose reality i knew was hopeless to be had) by babynflames

In Motegi 2005, Hiroshi Aoyama wins his first race during his home GP, Dani Pedrosa gets second while hiding a fractured humerus and Jorge Lorenzo is handed a one race ban for riding in a irresponsible manner after nearly colliding with Dani and causing de Angelis to abandon the race, leaving the third position to Casey Stoner. The haircutting is incidental.

dyke PEDRENZO. fic that is fun and funny and filled to the BRIM with the kind of homoerotic tension you can only have between two teenage dykes in direct competition who dont even know theyre horny about each other except they REALLY kind of do. also. the best sports rpf to me always engages with a sport on a sociological level... also just love the writing style on this. direct and avoidant at the same time. very dani in sexuality crisis to me aljfdhl

[corviiids]

hi rook sorrgy I'm back but I've been thinking about your akeshu as girls genderfuckery tweet for 20 million years. idk if you can share anything in good faith here on the Tumblr corner of the internet (if not then by all means ignore this) but if you did I'd owe you perhaps my entire soul!! thank you very much either way :3

i would LOVE to talk about this thank you so much for asking

[under the cut in case anyone would not like to see genderfuckery stuff]

okay so first of all.

on the topic of boobs

this is important to lead with do you understand. most of the akeshu as girls stuff ive seen around has akc as flat-chested and ren as boobed. and that's valid i support that. but personally. personally to me. i think it's the opposite. tbe reason (well one reason) i think it's the opposite is because i think girlren is a little rat of a creature and akechi who is prim and feminine and perfect is so FUCKING angry about her crush on ren like she's barely surviving it and then this is the nail in the coffin. she's like why can't i stop thinking about that messy unassuming thing. she doesn't even have boobs

my other reasons for tihs are that i think joker is more androgynous charm while akechi is more feminine/masculine duality i think this makes sense to nobody else. i think ren regardless of agab is riding the rail of the gender spectrum 🛹 while akc is collecting extremes of gender presentation like they're pokemon do you understand. are we on the same page here. ren being into drag is important to me for this reason (again regardless of agab). meanwhile akechi having very clear feminine secondary sex characteristics but presenting gradually more and more masculine in terms of clothing/hair/personal style etc. is also extremely important to me. and that includes being biog of tity while her style veers more and more into masc as time goes on

ok

the detective prince

i think girl akechi (at 17-18) presents very femininely because it's what's effective for her. i would call her style................... kawaii corporate chic. does that make sense for everyone. it's like schoolgirl girlboss. she has a bow instead of a tie but it's a very classy one not a kitschy one. smart blazer, uniform pleated skirt, patent leather shoes, u know the drill BUT. people still call her the detective prince. this is VERY IMPORTANT to me. no detective princess. only detective prince. do you understand the importance of the genderfuckery of a super feminine girl being called by masculine terms. to me. we're continuing the legacy set by my hero naoto shirogane bigender queeng. bigender kin. bigender genderneutral non-monarchical ruler

i think by third sem girl akechi is starting to dress more androgynously/masculinely. more pants. i think her third sem outfit is unchanged from canon. just a smart coat, sweater, buttondown, slacks. postcanon she gets a haircut.

just trying to live an honest student life

ren is like so fundamentallyuncomfortable with the fact of his existence at the beginning of canon so to me girlren is like... she dresses like she's trying to hide in her clothes. messy hair. i have no strong feelings about whetehr her hair should be long or short, or whether it's loose or pulled into a tail, but i know it's messsy. untamed curls. and she uses it to hide her face. none of her clothes fit. she's in oversized everything. i have a very clear image in my head of a ren idle animation where she leans down to pull up her leggings because they keep falling down. she also has terrible posture. she's androgynous at this stage not on purpose but because she's too self conscious to like... exist... and present... in any notable way at all

i think as she gets more confident and as the year progresses she starts to dress more distinctively. i like the idea of her getting more comfortable prettying up. maybe working at crossroads helps her with this 🤔 i dont know how to explain this but i think she's still feminine in a gentlemanly chivalrous way rather than a girly cute way. girlren has that same steady calming vibe that guy ren does

joker & crow

crow has a magical girl skirt. i have a drawing of this but im too self conscious about my own lack of drawing skill to show it off so i cropped out the key part and put it into an ms paint void in the distance as my visual aid

there. i hope this is illustrative

i think given girl akechi's use of her feminine charms to gain popularity, her hero complex would be similarly gendered given we have confirmation that robin hood represents not (only) heroics for altruistic reasons but also the theatre of being seen doing good. there's a real drama element to the idea of a magical girl transformation that i honestly wish we got for male crow too. i always am depressed that we don't get to see much theatre for akechi's initial appearance as crow and summoning of robin hood, anyway, girlcrow has ribbons and a capelet that flap in non-existent wind.

black mask's outfit is unchanged from canon. i'd like it to look a little less stupid but that has nothing to do with gender i just want it to look a little less stupid.

joker's outfit is also unchanged from canon. listen. im back on my bullshit. in the metaverse her behaviour gets more feminine and more sly and confident than in reality. she's got that femme fatale shit going on. however, she is still a gentleman thief. she has the long coat. she has the poofy trousers. she has the waistcoat. she's still smirking and fixing her gloves and flipping her knife and doing that thing that canon ren does where he lifts his chin and does the little "come on" thing with her fingers. do you understand? do you understand me

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

👁️👁️🔂👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️

cringe at myself.....,.....

im aa FOOOOOLLLLLLLL 🫥

Sometimes i think, im a real artist or something..

But whats even real about me? everything i do only exists online

majority of it being on TUNBLR of all places.

fragile fucking tumblr.

my entire life is my imagination and fantasies my entire life is a thoughtform. how can i be a real artist if im barely even a real person in "reality".

not even banishedgirl but intangible girl.

The other day, when i posted about how i want to use the inter net less but im too lonely to stop, i feel it came back to bite me today, in a way i didnt want at all, for the short time my blog was gone, and this brought to my attention, how truly deeply foolish i am

i could disappear so fast like nothing because its all just 👉🧠💭 up here

Even tho my blog is back now. i cant get that feeling off of me. Like yeah there no reason my blog would actually be deleted, unless you know like, tumblr just got discontinued as a website. Which is not an unlikely scenario. i often wonder how long they'll keep paying for these servers. We saw what happened with myspace...

if tumblr was gone, id really be GONE gone

like. i dont exist.

sick to my stomach all day. even if i export my blog and put it on a hard drive ... does it even matter? it literally is not even "matter" it is pixels it is thin air.

How do i be a real girl in the real world

in utena , the "real world" is actually all an illusion. and i believe that to be true for our world too. In a way ive always believed my fantasies and spirits are more real than my body

But i still do want to exist here. i almost have to live in denial about this to stay sane. But i want to exist forever. i want a normal life and friends. i want normal things.. its disgusting.. i feel sick!!!!! im so happy but im so miserable. i love myself but im so insecure. i dont understand anything. i resent fakeness but im fake too. im all just words and space and airy air air

How do i change my life how do i stop yearning to Prove that i exist..... Why do i want to prove it so bad

WHY DID I HAVE TO BE CONFRONTED W THIS TODAY WHAT AM I BEING CALLED TO DO

Like dude i am already going thru it lately. i didnt need any more crisisfuel.

IDK i have to believe its some kind of catalyst to save myself , lest i succumb to the void

it has to show me something i needed to see.

Stuff like this makes me want to disappear in a way that i have total agency over. (Not like in a killing my self way but just in a going away way.) Thats not practical though is it i know thats my evil side talking.

trapped in a sticky web trapped in this glue trap thats what gets me all defiant.

the book im reading rn is from the 70s. i wish i was writing books not posts... i wish i was meeting people in real life the way the author describes in the book. I know the vainly imagined past doesnt hold all the answers either. Good chance i wouldve been institutionalized for woman hysteria or st. But i dont like whats happening here i dont feel natural at all. And its not just me who feels it, clearly.

if only i could be the one who finds comfort in impermenance.

do i accept what im dissatisfied with, do i try to change, or both, or neither?

i am sad

i am existentially disturbed

and i am fucking arrogant 🥴

for wanting to be real.

FUCK!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

[izzyshandz]

I swear if i see one more mf say izzy has been 'redeemed' or needed a 'redemption arc' im literally going to scream into my pillow until i lose my voice.

redeem is such a black and white way of looking at his entire character and dismisses everything hes gone through and yall (izzy haters and others) are just so fucking snob nosed and ignorant to sit there and think hes a villain because of how he acted. theyre fucking pirates. theyre not perfect, none of them are. eds a villain, stedes a villain, if youre doing it like that. ed has killed so many people, stede literally left his wife and kids and also had a hand in killing people; it may be easier for them to change because of the perspective the show gives them and they had love but izzy did not. everyone hated him, ed, his own crew, stedes crew.

normalizing peoples reactions to things as something other than villainy and heroism is so god damn important in a show that's trying to accurately involve our perspectives in this day and age. its a tale as old as time, making someone 'completely in the wrong' because their perspective isnt the one you aligned with as much.

like the rest of the crew izzy had his own bad things hes done, he didnt need this 'redemption' everyones blabbering on about. he needed to be fucking heard, to be seen, and acknowledged-- not thrown aside and abandoned because of a whim. you all can ride up blackbeards ass because oh hes so hot, hes so pretty omg wow; but that wont ever change the fact his character is a fucked up person... youre allowed to love him anyways, why not izzy? we didnt see blackbeard before screen but how hes mentioned it shows he was a shit awful person, the only reason no one cares is because on hes fuckin gay for stede or whatever so the main characters get a free ride. ( i agree they all get a free ride, im just tired of this izzy isolation man )

why does he need to be redeemed in your eyes? just because youve seen what hes done? he was literally a product of his environment in season one he was a product of blackbeard's leadership. only with the loyalty and solidarity of the crew did he really begin to find himself, thats fucking hard to do that late in life. instead of calling it some bullshit black and white redemption arc, lets just celebrate izzy being himself and being fucking loved for once in his god damn life.

hes also way more fucking mature and put together than people give him credit for. love you izzy.

edit: thank you all for the reblogs and insights in every single one, i read them i promise i do. im just so mf heartbroken we have to tag things as discourse when its really just about people not being compassionate. (as a couple people have pointed out) i will said id reblog and comment on every single tag but this is my side </3 EVERYONE PLEASE READ THE REBLOGGED TAGS TOO / / theyre so real ! ive also opened up that ask box thingy i havent been on tumblr in yrs and have 0 clue how any of that works if anyone wants my perspective on anything izzy related. *or otherwise ofmd related

[ilovebuckers5]

ੈ✩‧₊˚ur so pretty ੈ✩‧₊˚

paige bueckers x reader

theme:

fluff

comfort

suggestive and explicit language

A/N: this is my first time writing on tumblr don't judge. also sorry it's so short im not used to writing one shots ESPECIALLY fluff.

My hair still hasn't cooperated with me yet. i've straightened it, curled it, crimped it, scrunched it, nothing has worked. i got more and more upset until i tossed my hair straightener on the counter and sat down against the bathroom wall.

"fuck!"

call me dramatic but i was going to a very important meeting with some co workers i really didn't want to look like a hot mess. a couple tears rolled down my cheeks but i quickly wiped them away while sniffling. as i continued to sit there contemplating whether i should just not go or go with my natural hair. While a couple tears came down my cheeks followed by more and more and more... i heard the front door of my dorm unlock.

"Hun? you still here?"

Paige walked through the door shutting and locking it behind her. she set her duffel bag down and walked around the dorm looking for me. i stayed quiet so that paige wouldnt have to hear me crying. but she still found me in the bathroom leaning against the wall with only a bra and shorts on. she quickly kneeled down next to me and began to panic.

"baby whats wrong?" she said with heavy concern in her voice.

her hand wandered up to my cheek to wipe away a couple more tears that i hadnt gotten before. she took her other hand up to the small of my back and began rubbing it to comfort me. she looked up at the counter and saw that the straightener had knocked over a couple things. she stood up and set everything up straight before lifting me up from the floor. i stood infront of the mirror and stared at my half curly half straight hair and more tears started going down my face. suddenly i felt paiges arms wrap around my stomach and started rubbing my skin. i leaned back onto her shoulder. she placed a soft kiss on my cheek before pushing me back up. after i got my composure back in place i went to grab the straightener, forgetting that i didnt turn it off before having a break down. when i went to grab it i grabbed the heated part (which was at 450* degrees). once the heat came intact with my palm i let out a loud cry before tossing the straightener back on the counter again.

"FUCK!" i yell out and cover my mouth after realizing how loud i was.

"shit are you ok hun? come here run it under water."

paige took my wrist and guided me to the kitchen. she ran my hand under water as we just stared at eachother. i took the moment to silently observe paige and all her flawless features. her pinky lips. her icy blue eyes. and god her jawline. i was so lost in her beauty i forgot what i was doing and ended up getting my entire arm soaked with water.

"you ok beautiful?"" paige said smirking

i giggle a bit before answering

"ur so pretty paige."

paiges cheeks went red and she looked away. as paige was easily flustered i was easily falling even more inlove with her by the minute. a large smile grew on my mouth as i watched paige avoid eye contact. paiges face fell into her hands trying to cover her now completly reddened face. a couple laughs filled in the silence of embarassment that was lingering in the room. paige couldnt help but pull me into a long kiss. my heart started to flutter once i felt her soft lips pressed against mine. paige moved her hands to my back while mine were cupping the sides of her face. i felt her lips smile against mine. i slowly pulled away just to start placing softer kisses all over her face. her hand cradled my chin and pulled me away from her face. i noticed that her pupils were growing larger and larger the more she stared at me.

"i love you" paige said under her breath

"what?"

we had been together for only 5 months but it already felt like ive known paige my entire life. neither of us have said i love you yet and i definintly didnt think that would happen now. my eyes widened a little but i tried to keep calm instead of folding into paiges arms and simply collapsing.

"i...love you too" i said hesitantly.

i knew that i loved her i dont know why it felt hesitant. actually paige was the first person ive loved for this long without something going wrong. she picked up my hands and held them in hers. her hands were slightly cold but it felt nice after burning mine.

[the-desert-beast]

so my elonian shapeshifter sylvari right. the siblings im always rotating the most are Maelgwyn/Rhosyn/Llacheu/Kynwyl.

i dont think ive talked about this here on tumblr actually

but maelgwyn was so fucking irritated by kynwyl intially, like. gwynnie is a reclusive/private quiet type, he had a really hard time accepting being a firstborn, actually. cause he thought his tree was dead this whole time. the entire past 2 decades. and then he's got Rhosyn being curious and bubbly (about everything not gwyn alone), this cynical prick that seems to hate everything. he just ignores the both of them. and then kynwyl.

kynwyl who is "born" the man maelgwyn spent the past 2 decades trying to become. pretending to be. maelgwyn isnt as earnestly kind or honest or charismatic as kynwyl. maelgwyn isnt able to dust himself off and get back up after a fuck up as seamlessly as kynwyl is. maelgwyn had depressive spirals often maelgwyn hides himself away he doesnt understand emotions he doesnt know how to cope in a healthy way he doesnt have the answers. he thinks of himself as two different aspects. Maelgwyn, and The Desert Beast

maelgwyn is pathetic and unlovable. maelgwyn is a failure who for some reason cant stop fighting despite it all. maelgwyn doesnt let himself hope anymore. He follows his path. he keeps going. for no reason. he wont accept that his real reason is that he hopes, deep down, knows. that it will get better. he'll make it better. no matter how much or how little support he has. whats the other option? lay down and die? neither maelgwyn or the the desert beast would do that.

the desert beast is a ruthless blood money mercenary. someone maelgwyn became to secure a reputation in harsh conditions, with no connections, for a future. any future. he chose becoming a bounty hunter because it made the humans around him who'd never seen a Sylvari (let alone a Twilight Sylvari) before more comfortable around him, to have a reference for his deeds. other bounty hunters revere or fear him for his ruthlessness and dedication. citizens are less frightened of him, more willing to give him a chance, when they've heard of the good deeds he's done for the poor, the weak, the frail, the children, and their pets. hes like a fucked up robin hood; robin hood is only an enemy of the royals hoarding gold. maelgwyn is a little unpredictable, since he's loyal to himself first and foremost.

he's not above betrayal, if thats what it comes to. he draws the line at what he considers innocents. people he can tell took an unfair deal just to have food to eat. his moral compass is, "dark grey." it's made of greys. basically, he asks "what decisions would I come to regret. what would make me see a monster in the mirror?" (and then he sees a monster in the mirror anyway but atleast he didnt make it "worse")

So when Kynwyl wakes up and seems to admire Maelgwyn for things he deems "deeds of the desert beast" he gets very very very irritated.

by this point maelgwyn doesnt look back on his history kindly. he's given up on taking blood money, he does caravan escorts for the refugees and traders, anyone who needs it and has some coin to offer. Hearing kynwyl so very enthused about the things he saw in his dream... the "noble" fights, the "chivalrous deeds." It bothers Maelgwyn. Kynwyl doesn't know about the blood staining all of it.

Yes, maelgwyn has helped people but to him, that was the persona not himself. And the desert beast is no one to aspire to. Thats the chasm between maelgwyn's perception of "Maelgwyn, Self" and "The Desert Beast" he's been struggling with self-hatred among other problems for decades. so "maelgwyn" is no one of note and "the desert beast" is someone to despise, to recoil at.

he snaps at kynwyl later when he won't drop the admiration "act." Kynwyl didn't know about the blood staining his big brother's hands, but does it change the good he did? You still helped someone. You've been helping more than harming these days. Why recoil at your brother's praise? Because Maelgwyn believes he doesn't understand. He's partially right, though Kynwyl feels like maelgwyn doesn't fully understand either.

after the fight they had about it (maelgwyn started it) rhosyn goes up to him a few days later like 'hey dude what the hell" rhosyn, the only one maelgwyn clicks with instantly. his little sister (affectionate.) anyway he's like "goddamnit. ur right."

since kynwyl has struggled with his guardian magics, firebrand doesn't fit him though he can manage it well enough, and dragonhunter is an absolute no-go. he SUCKS with bows. do not the kynwyl archery.

so gwynnie gets him a Willbender techniques book to study when he comes back from cantha.

[enlighten3d]

(EDIT: heres the updated, more accurate Theory: here)

hello tumblr! okay so ive somehow ended up hyperfixating on the whole kenadian, wifies, and wato april fools collab and trying to figure out What The Hell Is Going On, and. i have somewhat of a theory. it is very incomplete and probably wrong bcs a) i have no knowledge of the omz mask backstory, b) its very thrown together, c) i am just completely making up what the mask does. BUT HERE IT IS EITHER WAY:

(this is a Long Post. its all under the cut)

i propose that normal wato (wato in normal skin) and masked wato (wato with the mask and wifies clothes and player head (i say that its wato with the mask bcs this wato is the one with this skin on namemc)) are the same person. i propose that masked wato took evil wifies place and is Up To Something.

apologies if this is incoherent.

in the true creator, we see that normal wato is being interrogated by kenadian and wifies, right? this takes place last of the five april fools videos. during the interrogation wato says that he doesnt remember anything at all. but slowly, it comes back to him. eventually he says that he built MOST of the escape room, and leaves to go look at it. while he looks at it, he has flashbacks to building it. except its not really him building it, its masked wato building it. he built MOST of the room. masked wato built the rest. but these are flashbacks, these are memories. how is he remembering masked watos actions if hes not the masked one?

we know from the prologue that it was normal wato that built the escape room, which supports his statement of doing so during the interrogation scene. but how could he be masked and unmasked and building the escape room? i propose that he got the mask halfway through building the escape room. he built a lot of it, got the mask, and then masked wato built the rest of the escape room.

but we know that the interrogation scene takes place after everything happens. wato is back to normal. no mask, no wifies clothes. so he lost it! when? to who? i dont know about the latter part, but he definitely lost the mask after taking evil wifies place and jumping out of that window.

oh yeah, he took evil wifies place. during the true creator, we see footage of masked wato finishing the escape room - being the third to do so - and going inside the factory. he takes the torch that we saw ken putting there in his video to get inside, which is the first sign that this is after all that. masked wato goes upstairs, TO EVIL WIFIES OFFICE, and takes one of the wifies heads (during the Confrontation with evil wifies, we see that both of those heads are there - which means masked wato hadnt been by yet!), and puts it on. he SITS IN EVIL WIFIES CHAIR, looking for all the world like hes a wifies. evil wifies dead, and hes the new one. then he jumps out fo the window and loses the mask after that lol

but hes wearing the mask. the mask has control over him. when masked wato continues to build the escape room, the mask has control over him. where did he go in the gap between making the room and appearing in it? NO CLUE. but the mask has control over him. the mask wants things.

i think the mask fucks with peoples memories. scrambles em all up. when, in the prologue, wato falls through the bedrock and lands in the first chamber of the escape room, he suddenly has the mask (and wifies clothes - i checked, even before the 3rd person its wifies skin. thank you namemc), which means that this is in the future. yet hes all confused and stuff about how hes there - he hadnt even started building the room yet, afterall. hes confused as all hell, but tries to get out- and then the video glitches.

IN THAT MOMENT, IN THAT MOMENT IN THE FUTURE, THE MASK HAD LOST CONTROL FOR A BIT. IT LOST CONTROL AND LET HIS MEMORIES PRE-MASK COME BACK FOR A BIT. but when the video glitches.. thats when it gets control back. we never see the pov of masked wato while hes under the masks control, as far as im aware.

the mask retains control all throughout the rest of the escape room, its the reason why he takes evil wifies place. and then he.. jumps out of the window??? my best guess is that its control slipped again and he decided to Get The Fuck Out.

and then yeah, he loses the mask somehow. i think it may have something to do with but there was more - the second, unlisted, kenadian vid. in it, we see an unmasked wato that has wifies clothes on. i think that when kenadian went exploring post-Confrontation (the Confrontation being the wifies vs evil wifies trivia game), he found the mass of escape rooms, and that was where wato had escaped to. thats where ken found him and is right before the interrogation scene. i dont know how wato lost the mask there. maybe he killed it /j

also, another reason i think wato got the mask while building the escape room: when he falls through the bedrock into the future memory in prologue, we later see him tower out of there - as normal wato. so even without the memory, theres another room down there. and we see this room in the true creator! during the 'post-mask wato goes on a flashback adventure' we see him FALL DOWN THAT EXACT BEDROCK PLACE. AND YOU KNOW WHATS THERE?? THIS FUCKING THING.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. I HAVE NO CLUE. IT LOOKS LIKE SNOM FROM POK��MON. but yeah i think its tied to the mask and powers it/anchors it somehow?? i have no clue. but that room is inherently tied to the mask either way bcs its the last moment that wato remembers when the masks influence is lowered (as seen in the 'masked wato is trapped and Confused, help' section of the prologue). so it may be like,,, the start of the masks influence, and then he gets the mask a bit later. bcs we know that normal wato BUILT a lot of the escape room (due to him saying so during the interrogation). but we know that masked wato in escape room only remembers PLANNING it - which, hey! thats whne he met White Blob!

okay. so that was a lot of stuff, right? a lot of evidence? where does it lead? HERES MY HYPOTHETICAL TIMELINE:

- normal wato gets commissioned to build an escape room, which he does

- somehow (maybe due to Weird Blob That May Or May Not Be Snom From Pokémon), during the planning, he comes into contact with the mask

- he builds a lot of the escape room

- actually ACQUIRES the mask, and masked wato continues to build the escape room

- Time Passes. during this time he is fully under the masks control and does not remember any of it when not under its influence

- end up in the escape room post-kenadian going through it. his last memory is planning stuff and falling through a weird hole in the bedrock. the mask has less control over him, and he is Panicking.

- mask regains control, and masked wato solves the rest of the escape room (being the third person to do it)

- goes up to the factory, takes a wifies head to replace the one he used to get out of the first chamber of the escape room, and sits in evil wifies chair

- jumps out the fucking window

- ends up in the far reaches of the world with a bunch of old wifies escape rooms (thats what i heard they were) - i think he built them during the Time Passes section while completely under the masks control

- somehow loses the mask there

- his memory is completely fucked up

- that is where kenadian finds him after going Exploring

- kenadian and wifies interrogate him

- he gets Flashbacks and supposedly remembers some of what hes done

yeah thats it. thats what i think happened!

THINGS THIS THEORY IGNORES/DOESNT EXPLAIN:

- how the mask actually works bcs i am literally just making shit up

- what the FUCK THE WHITE BLOB IS

- why on earth masked wato is pretending to be wifies. why is he in wifies clothes. why the player head. was he pretending to be one of the clones???? WAS HE EVIL WIFIES ALL ALONG??

- most of kenadian lore bcs yeah i dont know any of it i need to go watch those videos

- bunch of other stuff

is this theory wrong? probably yes! do i care? yeah but also no, i like this theory

thank you for reading this 1540 word-long post, have a good day!

@brain-empty, this is your fault /lh (sorry for the ping @fncreature but im pinging you too bcs uhhh yes sorry)

[taelophone]

hi!!

i js realized and UGH I FEEL SO STUPID BUT i realized how much of an impact fanficiton can actually dent to the whole "some people are forgetting luigi's inspo and purpose and the whole crux of this situation" im not sure if it is disrespectful that's why i wanted to run it by to u guys but we can totally bring things to perspective on luigi's current conditions. how scared he is, how ignorant MEDIA is in general, we can totally do it and honestly we already are!! most of the fanfictions ive read are raising awareness about the struggles of going through traumatic surgeries, making people feel seen about injuries they had that are similar to luigi's!! i just want to clarify that im not saying that EVERYTHING we choose to write to be apart of this community must be sort of tasked to carry the weight of the world at all times and have this altruistic can-do attitude about it. what im saying is that we all require something real even if it is in our fantasies - real as in something that is close to us as humans and ive realized that there is always and forever will be a certain standing that we take against oppressors that quote and quote "work in the shadows - making them systems of cowardice" most importantly ive noticed that us as a community loves fanfiction that humanizes luigi - we live vicariously through the name of "y/n" and that is just us feeling human and through this fandom we create a community an institution with a base for smart thinkers and creative writers i think luigi has inspired a lot of people and it is important to note that people especially creators - those who know they belong or has hosted a blog or whatever type of creative craft of their that hones their skills are easily touched by topics that wake them up and inspire them - those are topics that are hard to forget

so i just wanted to share this message! and im sending this as Phoenix (pseudonym) to my favorite luigi writers, you guys dont have to respond politically or feel pressured to completely agree with what im saying i mean im still learning and im def a minor exposed to media so of course i am subject to multiple errors! i just felt the need to say it and im too shy to post it on my actual tumblr..

clarification: i really dont mean this as an attack or as a self-righteous claim :(( i sent this to you because i adore you and ur writing, how u see the world, how u contribute to this fandom, and how u make us feel dare i say... one with the one we are reading about!! im sorry if i said anything bad or insensitive or just offending in any way!! dont be pressured to reply to this i just realized that it's important for me to share my voice even if i think it doesnt matter because it might matter to others who would like to read it

by the way!! i got these ideas a lot from a book called the message by ta nehisi coates!! if you love writing you'd love this book for sure :))

i really dont mean to offend and i apologize for the long message my love!! i hope you have a great day please drink water and stay safe!!

OHHHH MY GOD I LOVE YOU!!

IVE BEEN SAYING THIS THE WHOLE TIME!! Writing Luigi, or writing FOR Luigi, is a political move in itself. How you choose to portray or regurgitate his character automatically clarifies how he is seen by the media! For some people who only watch the news or don’t do research on him as a person, we’re gonna have more surface level and extremely harmful takes. By now I’ve seen such AWFUL things being said about a man who was already confirmed to be

1, A huge man who advocated for COMPLETE equality, 2. An extremely pleasant and kind soul to be around, and someone who literally GAVE UP THEIR LIFE OF UPPER CLASS FREEDOM AND COMFORT BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO TRY AND BETTER SOMETHING THEY SAW AS AN AMERICAN FLAW.

I’ve seen rumors fly around that he’s a narcissist, trump supporter, misogynist, abuser, etc etc and it’s so fucking apparent who actually did research and is able to form a strong opinion without the influence of others or the media, and people who are able to take a moment and literally just fact check themselves LMFAOO😭

So yes, writing Luigi raises awareness to his cause and situations, but also the calls of others, the healthcare system, the judicial system, and many many more. Albeit it’s a very unconventional way of raising awareness, but I am literally punk, I am all about unconventional LMAOOO

Keep reading, please! You are such a bright brilliant mind and you are able to draw such loaded conclusions and make statements that the comfortable won’t! We love you!! Rock on man!

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

long personal post about how actually things have gotten better

warning: mention of heavy topics

so im deciding to start re-embracing the joy and sincerity and vulnerability i had at 15. Tumblr was literally my diary.

however the suicidal ideation of being 15? no. tho we still have bouts of hopelessness, but its different now. however i do rlt struggle to refer to that time as being suicidal, but im not sure there is a better word. like i did not want to live, but i did not want to die - because all of my thoughts and logic had me convinced that yeh, it could (and likely would) be worse ... moving on...

i also used to actually reblog stuff. not just scroll and like. and ive been reblogging more lately.

why wasnt i reblogging or posting?

at some point i became very repressed. i shut down self expression and started just internalising all of my lows and lots of other thoughts. i had some bad friendships and experiences and shitty home life where i adapted by just burying everything. not just the bad stuff. i was terrified of judgement and having the things i enjoyed and cared about and liked, be torn to shreds. i was also very scared to say the wrong thing (thanks Tumblr Moral Perfectionism and Purity Culture). but whilst im still not comfortable sharing my passions and emotions IRL... thats just common sense. its mostly family and experience has taught me that they will insult me. i am a lot less afraid of cringe. and im a lot more confident in my own thoughts and opinions. we could also talk about how fandom died for me in 2016 and iykyk. like i lost hope and didn't see the point trying to care again if loss was inevitable. its one of those grand philosophical questions and my answer was that it was better to have no joy or love than it was to risk having something and suffering the pain of losing it... but that is an anxiety mindset. you cannot be happy living out of caution. the greatest joy comes not without risk.

anyways, for a few years now, ive really been on the up. i got some diagnoses which meant I could finally start to understand myself and what was going on and why, and I could learn to manage it. And im not just talking mental/neurodivergence. i was also really physically sick for a long time and im still dealing with the trauma of that because noone fucking believed me (ps. if anyone knew me during that time and you did believe me. thanks. but also despite my memory being shit, ive got to say noone rly knew me during that time. i was very shutdown and had very limited interaction with anyone.) and all i just kept hearing about during that time was how lazy I was and how i must have a really low pain tolerance but ANYWAY. point is, im doing better.

still not living in a perfect situation, and im still not well (i never will be, such is the nature of "chronic" ) but im not living in a state of fear and dread every single day. im in a much better place.

am i exhausted constantly bc i now have a fulltime job and it is unnecessarily stressful and also physically demanding and also i have very little energy to begin with? yeh. but also do i love my job? also yes.

do i have very real concerns that im going to burn out and/or my condition will worsen and i will be unable to work and support myself and i wont have a safety net? also yeh. thats that bouts of hopelessness i mentioned earlier.

but mostly, im doing okay.

i dont have as many friendships as i used to, or any especially close friends but, the people i do have in my life are good people. i dont feel constantly scared that i will say the wrong thing - something embarrassing or awkward or questionable - and that they will abandon me. there is a sense of security.

i dont rly have anyone that I feel completely comfortable and relaxed around but im getting there. Like very almost there, for the first time in my entire life. i can see the possibility of being accepted and at ease. and it is really only me holding myself back. (one day i will figure out how to relax).

i constantly joke about having cured my anxiety but honestly? i kind of did. the thought patterns are still there but I'm so much better equipped to recognise and manage those thoughts. my every action is no longer dictated by my anxiety. most of the time I'm barely aware of what im doing. which thats its own issue... But im no longer in a perpetual state of hypervigilance and that is good. im not even on antidepressants anymore. I've got the anxiety under control, not the other way around.

if 15 year old me met me now- she would be slightly disappointed that i didnt have my own place - but otherwise she would be so shocked at how well i function and how confident i am and how happy i am, and shocked that i now actually want to live a life.

im also, as i said, making an effort to actually give a fuck again. im gonna start caring about things and im not gonna shut up about it.

im going to be more open and honest. and im going to learn how to be me.

being vulnerable is the absolute most terrifying thing but thats my goal. thats the necessary risk. it won't come easily or naturally or right away, but i will get there.

things are looking up.

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.