#but to be fair I experience auditory hallucinations SO

[highwayphantoms]

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE (SPOOKY) VIBES

the feeling of being watched

it’s quiet. too quiet.

a pet staring at nothing

someone calls your name in an empty house

the smell of burning, but no evidence of fire

eyes on the other side of the window

almost human but not quite

the knowledge that nothing you do can save you

your thoughts are not your own

biting into food only to find it is rotten

an ominous crack in the ice

a child where there should not be children

they know you, but you don’t know them

your body rebels against you

the rattling of dry leaves in the wind

the sun is gone

bones in the walls

it’s only a matter of time

[teine-mallaichte]

Let's talk hallucinations in whump/general fiction.

So first off full disclosure, I have schizoaffective disorder - think some bits of bipolar and some bits of schizophrenia kind of squished together, and as such hallucinations are a BIG part of my general existence.

Definition: A hallucination is a perception of a sensory experience—such as sight, sound, smell, taste, or touch—that appears real but is created by the mind and lacks an external stimulus.

Now, I see a fair few "hallucinations" type prompts in whump events, and just generally within the whump community, and I see a LOT of auditory hallucinations type prompt fills - mainly in the form of malevolent whispers - and ye that's a thing, but there are so many other hallucinations.

The thing is hallucinations can effect literally any sense, not just hearing - though I will add that auditory is usually regarded as the most common.

this is a long post so I am going to put a cut here... below the cut is exploration of the tyoes of hallucination, the causes and a bit about insight.

So, I thought it could be "fun" to explore a few in a post. Lets explore the 5 "main" senses first:

Auditory Hallucinations

Description: These are the most common type of hallucinations. They involve hearing sounds that are not present. The sounds are hear as if they are coming from somewhere external to the body. So in my case I have a few of these, but my main one is a voice who is with me even when I am in meds (another good point there for anyone who wants to use mental illness in their fics even in meds we can do have symptoms). This voice has a name and most of the time he just sorts off passes comments about things and people around me, like a sarcastic narrator and it sounds like he is standing just behind me.

Common Examples:

Malevolent Whispers: Insidious voices that might threaten, taunt, or belittle you.

Hearing Music: Melodies or songs playing that no one else can hear. For me this kind of sounds like someone is playing a radio in a different room.

Environmental Sounds: Hearing footsteps, doors creaking, or other sounds suggesting someone else is present.

Command Hallucinations: Voices that instruct or suggest (its not always ademand, sometimes more subtle and manipulative) you to do certain things, often with a compelling and distressing sense of urgency.

Less used examples:

Kind/supportive hallucinations: Voices that are encouraging, reassuring and supportive.

Distortion: Rather than sounds with no origin hallucinations that disort or warp actual sounds/voices changing the meaning, making it as if the TV or Radio is addressing you personally, making it sound as if a friend is threatening you.

Fun fact: it actually is possible to have a two way (sort of) conversation with a hallucination - I know I do it relatively often. It will be different for everyone, but fo me its a bit like having a conversation on a bad phoneline, yes the voice will respond but often its almost as if he hasn't fully heard what I said - or is ignoring key points. I can do this both outloud and "in my head".

Visual Hallucinations

Description: Visual hallucinations involve seeing things that are not present. These can range from simple shapes and flashes of light to detailed images or scenes. They often appear as if they are in the physical world and can be very convincing.

Common Examples:

Shadowy Figures: Seeing indistinct, shadowy forms that may move or appear to watch the character.

Distorted Faces: Perceiving familiar faces as grotesque or altered in frightening ways.

Apparitions: Full-bodied figures that may interact with the character or appear menacing.

Lights/sparkles: The whump community seems to very much enjoy lights and sparkles, especially in drugging.

Less Used Examples:

Intrusive Visuals: Images of disturbing or graphic nature that suddenly appear in your line of sight.

Perceptual Distortions: Objects appearing to warp, change shape, or color in unnatural ways.

Double Vision: Seeing multiples of objects or people, creating a confusing and disorienting experience.

Scenery Shifts: The entire environment changes, making you believe they are in a completely different place.

Fun fact: Sleep deprivation can cause some wild visual hallucinations, even relatively "mild" sleep deprivation can start to effect a persons perceptions.

Gustatory Hallucinations

Description: Gustatory hallucinations involve tasting things that are not actually present in the mouth. These can range from pleasant to extremely unpleasant tastes and can be triggered without any external food or drink.

Officially these are considered "rare", but personally (as someone who has done a lot of peer support work in the psychosis/voice hearing community I think they are simply under reported.)

Common Examples:

Bitter or Metallic Taste: A persistent bitter or metallic taste in the mouth, often leading to a sense of unease or concern about poisoning.

Sweet or Sour Taste: Tasting something sweet or sour unexpectedly, which can be confusing if it doesn’t match the current context.

Less Used Examples:

Spoiled Food: Tasting something rancid or spoiled, causing nausea and distress.

Unfamiliar Tastes: Tasting something completely unfamiliar and hard to describe, adding to the character's sense of disorientation.

Mimicking Actual Foods: Tasting specific foods that trigger cravings or aversions, despite not eating anything.

Transforming food: Food tasting like other food - I know someone for whom everything tasted like strawberries for days.

Common Causes: Neurological conditions or can be a side effect of medications.

Olfactory Hallucinations

Description: Olfactory hallucinations involve smelling odors that are not actually present. These can be pleasant or unpleasant and occur without any corresponding external stimulus. They can be particularly disorienting because they may trigger memories or emotions associated with certain scents - extremely complex if the person also has PTSD.

Common Examples:

Burning Smell: Wood, rubber, or food, which can lead to panic and fear of a fire.

Rotting Flesh: An overpowering smell of decay or rotting flesh, causing distress and nausea.

Perfume or Flowers: Smelling strong scents like flowers or perfume - hallucinations don't have to be inherently unpleasant sensations.

Less Used Examples:

Chemical Smells: Smelling chemicals like bleach or petrol.

Unfamiliar Scents: Smelling odors that you cannot identify.

Food Smells: Smelling specific foods that trigger hunger or nausea, despite the absence of any actual food.

Tactile Hallucinations

Description: Tactile hallucinations involve feeling sensations on or under the skin that are not actually there. These can range from mild tingling to severe pain and can be extremely distressing.

Common Examples:

Crawling Sensation: Feeling as though insects or bugs are crawling on or under the skin - often leading to frantic scratching or picking.

Electric Shocks: Experiencing sudden, sharp, electric-like jolts.

Pressure: Feeling pressure or tightness around certain body parts, such as a hand gripping the arm or something heavy on the chest.

Less Used Examples:

Temperature Changes: Feeling extreme cold or heat on the skin without any external cause.

Wetness or Dripping: Feeling as though liquid is dripping or running down the skin, even when dry.

Phantom Touches: Sensations of being touched or grabbed, often when alone. Sometimes its an almost feather like touch, other times its more akin to a grab that if reak would leave a bruise.

Right now let's expand - because there are more than 5 senses.

Proprioceptive Hallucinations

Description: Proprioception is the sense of the relative positioning of one's body parts. Proprioceptive hallucinations involve distorted perceptions of where your body is in space or how it is moving.

Common Examples:

Floating Sensation: Feeling as if the body is levitating or moving without control.

Distorted Body Size: Perceiving limbs or the entire body as being unnaturally large or small.

Less Used Examples:

Misaligned Limbs: Feeling as though limbs are twisted or out of place.

Movement Hallucinations: Sensing movements that aren't occurring, like swaying or rotating.

Common causes: Neurological disorders or the effects of certain drugs, but can by caused by a huge array of things.

Vestibular Hallucinations

Description: Vestibular sensations involve balance and spatial orientation. Vestibular hallucinations affect your sense of balance, making you feel dizzy or as though you're moving when you're stationary.

Common Examples:

Vertigo: A spinning sensation, as if the environment or oneself is rotating.

Imbalance: Feeling as though you're about to fall over or can't maintain your balance.

Less Used Examples:

Motion Sensation: Sensing movement, like rocking or swaying, when you're still.

Gravity Distortions: Feeling as if gravity is stronger or weaker than it actually is.

Common caused: Inner ear issues, migraines, or anxiety.

Temporal Hallucinations

Description: Temporal hallucinations involve distorted perceptions of time. They can make time feel like it's speeding up, slowing down, or standing still.

Common Examples:

Time Dilation: Feeling as though time is passing much slower than it actually is.

Time Compression: Perceiving time as moving rapidly, making events feel like they're passing in a blur.

Less Used Examples:

Frozen Moments: Experiencing time as if it's stopped, with everything around you appearing frozen.

Temporal Displacement: Feeling as though you're living in a different time period.

Temporal Dissonance: Feeling as if time is moving differently for you in comparison to those around you.

Common caused: Extreme fatigue, high stress, or under the influence of certain drugs.

Interoceptive Hallucinations

Description: Interoception refers to the perception of sensations from within the body, such as hunger, thirst, or the feeling of a heartbeat. Hallucinations in this realm involve feeling internal sensations that aren't actually occurring.

Common Examples:

False Hunger: Feeling extremely hungry despite having eaten recently.

Nonexistent Thirst: An intense sense of thirst even when well-hydrated - I have had this one a few times and given myself electrolyte imbalances due tot he amount of water I ended up drinking (not fun).

Less Used Examples:

Phantom Heartbeats: Feeling the heart racing or skipping beats without any physical basis.

Digestive Sensations: Sensations of digestion, such as gurgling or bloating, without any real cause.

Common causes: Panic disorder or certain types of seizures.

Right, now lets quickly review the main "causes" of hallucinations

Mental Illness:

Schizophrenia: Can involve basically anything from this list, but anecdotally auditory and visual appear to be the most common.

Bipolar Disorder: Can include hallucinations, especially during manic or depressive episodes.

Schizoaffective Disorder: A combination of symptoms from both schizophrenia and mood disorders, often leading to a variety of hallucinations.

EUPD/BPD: Auditory hallucinations are relatively common.

In all of these the hallucinations will rarely (if ever) exist in isolation. If you do not have primary or secondary experience of mental illness then I would recommend doing a LOT of research - and talking to people who do (on this note my asks are open if anyone has any schizoaffective based questions).

Neurological Conditions:

Epilepsy: Particularly temporal lobe epilepsy, can cause a range of sensory hallucinations.

Parkinson's Disease: Can lead to visual and auditory hallucinations.

Migraine: Migraine auras can include visual and auditory hallucinations.

Once again the hallucinations will not be in isolatation so same advice as with mental illness.

Substance Use and Withdrawal:

Psychedelics: Drugs like LSD, psilocybin, and mescaline are known for causing vivid visual and auditory hallucinations.

Stimulants: Methamphetamine and cocaine can cause tactile and visual hallucinations.

Alcohol Withdrawal: Can lead to visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations.

You know what I am going to say that my "if you do not have experience of this then go talk to someone who does" advice may just stand for every potential cause.

Sleep Disorders:

Sleep Deprivation: Can cause a variety of hallucinations across different senses.

Narcolepsy: Often includes hypnagogic (while falling asleep) and hypnopompic (while waking up) hallucinations.

Medical Conditions:

Delirium: Acute confusion and hallucinations often seen in severe infections, fever, or after surgery.

Dementia: Especially Lewy body dementia and Alzheimer's disease, can cause hallucinations.

Medications:

Anticholinergics: Can cause hallucinations as a side effect.

Steroids: High doses can sometimes lead to hallucinations.

Certain Antidepressants and Antipsychotics: Occasionally, these medications can cause hallucinations.

Psychological Stress and Trauma:

PTSD: Flashbacks and hallucinations related to traumatic events.

Extreme Stress: Can sometimes trigger hallucinations.

Metabolic and Endocrine Disorders:

Thyroid Disorders: Hyperthyroidism or hypothyroidism can sometimes cause hallucinations.

Electrolyte Imbalances: Severe imbalances can lead to hallucinations.

Deprivation:

Sensory Deprivation: Go google the ganzfeld effect, it's facinating.

Isolation: Extended periods of isolation can lead to hallucinations, known as sensory deprivation hallucinations.

Autoimmune Disorders:

Lupus: Can cause neurological symptoms including hallucinations.

Tumors:

Brain Tumors: Depending on their location, they can cause hallucinations affecting different senses.

Ok, finally point for this post. Let's discuss insight, because it is not as black/white or binary as people seem to assume.

Definition: Insight, in this context, refers to the awareness and understanding that one's hallucinations are not real but are a product of their mind. Insight can be partial or complete, and it often fluctuates.

Complete Insight:

Description: The individual fully understands that their hallucinations are not real and are caused by an underlying condition.

Impact: This can help the person manage their symptoms more effectively and seek appropriate treatment. However, it doesn't necessarily lessen the distress caused by the hallucinations.

Partial Insight:

Description: The individual has some awareness that their hallucinations might not be real but can still struggle with differentiating them from reality.

Impact: This can lead to confusion and anxiety, as the person oscillates between believing and doubting their experiences.

Lack of Insight:

Description: The individual firmly believes that their hallucinations are real and external.

Impact: This can lead to significant distress and functional impairment, as the person might respond to these hallucinations as if they were real.

Now imagine these three points on a scale from 0 (complete insight) to 10 (lack of insight) a person can be anywhere on this scale, and can slide back and fourth along it.

Factors such as stress, fatigue, medication changes, or daily fluctuations in mental state can cause insight to vary. A person might have high insight at one moment and low insight the next.

Basically Insight Is Not Static.

Also sometimes insight is just FREAKING RANDOM fluctuation for no discernible reason - honestly at times there is zero logic.

so ye, halluncinations… the brain is freaking wild.

Disclaimer - this is by no means an exhaustive list and like with many things every individual will experience these things slightly differently.

A similar post about delirium A similar post about fever

[nakahras]

᯽ fireworks • chuuya nakahara

synopsis • it’s the first time seeing chuuya after meursault. he left without a word and came back without a word. alternatively, the first time you tell chuuya you love him.

warnings • lower case is intentional, depictions of overstimulation/anxiety/panic attack, cursing, reader has an ability (description below), and fem!reader

wc • 2.8k

a/n • chuuya fluff my beloved <3

᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽

ability • ravalry: allows its user to read the thoughts of someone through their emotions. the user can also push thoughts onto a target as well as emotions. this can cause the target to experience hallucinations both visual and auditory. it can also cause the target to feel certain emotions against their own will. the user, if not careful, can become overwhelmed by others’ thoughts and emotions themself.

᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽

you watch as the night sky ignites into every color under the rainbow. the firework show from tonight’s festivities had been going on for almost 15 minutes now. almost all of the ada members had decided to participate. hell, even dazai caved and dressed in his best traditional clothes at the request - begging really - of atsushi. but even dazai’s participation couldn’t convince you to stay.

crowds had never agreed with you. they were noisy and it always felt suffocating. but there wasn’t a lack of effort, thanks to atsushi and dazai’s puppy dog eyes. it was comical considering those two boys are the most cat coded people you have ever met in your life. atsushi being a literal tiger at times. but unfortunately you only lasted a total of 67 minutes before your ability made everything extremely overwhelming.

even under fukuzawa’s “all men are created equal” you had a bad habit of subconsciously activating your ability and becoming far too overwhelmed by everyone else's thoughts to turn it off. dazai was able to stay back with you and use his own ability to calm you down. you were obviously grateful but you didn’t want to keep pulling him to you every time it happened.

᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽

“do i get a reward for helping out my fellow ada member?” dazai’s voice was as light as ever, obviously he had been trying to make light of your situation.

this was the first time in a long time he had come out with everyone, the first time he came out since meursault, which was also a reminder that you still hadn’t heard from a certain gravity manipulator since arriving back in yokohama. you didn’t want to ruin the fun for everyone just because of your heightened emotions and constant loss of control. it wasn’t fair to anyone, most of all dazai.

you smiled meekly at the brunette. you could see it in the way his eyes dulled, that he’d already known what you were about to say, you said it anyway. “how about i reward you with the rest of the night off? i’m not cut out for these crowds. think i’m just gonna head to the empty pier and watch the fireworks from there.”

you started to back away but dazai persistently followed. “c’mon, you can’t possibly be upset over that shr-“

“dazai.” you’d promptly cut him off, not wanting to admit to yourself, let alone dazai that you were upset. especially considering the reason.

dazai throws his hands up in surrender with a wicked smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes — although, dazai’s smiles almost never did. you’re unamused and frankly tired, so your own mask had cracks in it. dazai, ever the observant, immediately drops the cheery facade and mumbles something under his breath.

something along the lines of, “that damn slug, ruining everything by running late…” you choose to ignore the cryptic way dazai says that and instead waved.

“tell everyone i said to have a good night.”

and with that you left. not even giving dazai a chance to respond as you had already turned to leave mid sentence.

᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽•᯽

that’s how you find yourself here, sitting at the edge of the pier, knees tucked snugly into your chest as you lay your cheek on them to look up at the sky. your mind was a storm of noise but luckily the fireworks were louder. that didn’t stop you from feeling a very prominent presence approaching.

you tense, instantly recognizing his presence. it takes every ounce of self control you have to keep your head in place and not look his way. your arms tighten around your legs and it’s the only indication you give him that you’re aware he’s there. you can feel his stare, his eyes bore into the back of your head, it felt as if he continued to stare he would start to make a dent in your skull.

still, you continue to look forward and ignore his presence. the noise from the fireworks may be deafening but you’re so honed in on the redhead behind you his defeated sigh is hard to miss. he tentatively shuffles his way next to you and remains standing. you vaguely notice from your peripheral, that he isn’t in his usual dark clothing. instead you note flashes of red, gold and white. your eyebrows furrow. was he wearing a haori? which means he must be wearing a montsuki haori hakama? he never wore traditional clothing. you were itching to look over at how gorgeous he must look but resist the urge yet again.

you continue to refuse to acknowledge his presence.

another sigh.

more silence on your end.

this time he clicks his tongue, but it’s more in defeat rather than annoyance. “that damn mackerel texted me. told me he couldn’t do the one simple task i asked of him. last time i ask him for anything…” the last part of his sentence broke on into a grumble, obviously thinking out loud more than talking to you.

there’s still no verbal response from you, although your face does twist into a scowl. so that’s what dazai meant earlier. chuuya was supposed to meet you all at the festival. to what? surprise you? you didn’t want to wait for a surprise. he knew how much you loathed surprises. you just wanted him back. you wanted to confirm for yourself that he was safe.

the port mafia executive is observing you. he watches as shadows of colors provided by the fireworks dance across your face, causing you to look 10x more strikingly beautiful than you already do. you’re quite literally the most stunning thing chuuya has ever laid his eyes on. he wants to tell you so. he wants to gush over how much he missed you. he wants to hold you. but he needs you to acknowledge him first and he knows you have an opinion about meursault that you deserve to voice. the problem lies in getting you to open yourself up. next to being the most stunning, you’re also the most stubborn person he has ever met. he has his work cut out for him.

“i was gonna surprise you at the festival…” of course he was, you almost scoff at the predictability of it all.

another sigh escapes chuuya’s lips when once again he doesn’t get a response. he knows he shouldn’t poke at you. but at this point he doesn’t know how else he could elicit a reaction. he ponders on it for a moment, nervously gnawing at his bottom lip. this could get you to open up but it could also make you more upset. he makes his decision and takes in a deep breath.

“i wanted to surprise you. i thought about you a lot while i was gone. the thought of coming back to you was about the only thing that kept me sane while having to deal with that damn dazai.” his last words come out bitter, as if he truly had been suffering.

you try to keep face. gritting your teeth and sinking your nails into the palm of your hands. but the cracks in your mask were already too far gone, it snaps completely off. your head swiftly lifts and turns to finally look at him.

and god how unfair. it’s so incredibly unfair how handsome he sincerely looks. his face isn’t covered by his hat and hair is tied by an ornamental string. the reds and greens and golds of his outfit really bring out the duel colors of his eyes. even frowning like he is, he is still a shining star in a sky full of clouds.

you have to remind yourself to keep your resolve as you scowl at the redhead. unbeknownst to you, chuuya is having a very similar crisis. you look like the most priceless treasure on this god forsaken planet. the gold hair ornament you wear frames your face perfectly. the colors of your traditional wear compliments your skin tone perfectly. even your makeup, which subtly matches your outfit, is perfect. you are perfect.

your sour expression is what brings him back to reality.

you let out an appalled scoff. “you thought of me? i find that hard to believe considering you made the decision to go along with dazai’s plan without warning. do you know how messed up i was? thinking you could be dead upon hearing you had been turned into a vampire. i thought i was never going to see you again because you didn’t tell me- i didn’t know. and then when you do return i don’t hear a single thing from you? not even a text saying ‘hey, shit is crazy at the port mafia but i will see you as soon as i can. just wanted to let you know i was safe.’ i would have been happy with that, chuuya.”

he flinches at how harsh his name sounds coming from your mouth. like you had to physically force it out. you never called him by his name. it was always a pet name of some sort. it was truly heart wrenching that he had pushed you to this point. it was never his intention. with everything going on he didn’t realize that maybe he should have communicated dazai’s plan with you, but he can’t change that now. what he needs to focus on is fixing his mistake. so, he listens to you and let’s you get it all out.

“...instead you continued to leave me in the dark. i had to continue on like i wasn’t a wreck, not knowing where you were. do you know how many times i imagined you were just dead somewhere in a foreign prison? too many times to count on my hands. dazai-” you choke, not having realized that you had started to cry. you swallow thickly and continue. “dazai had to constantly be on watch because i would lose control of my ability over the smallest of things. despite being exhausted, i refused to bring myself to imagine a world without you in it. no matter how much i was spiraling, it jus wasn’t something i could bear the thought of because-”

you’re cut off again, this time by a sob that you can feel throughout your entire body. you choke again, feeling like you can’t breathe. your eyes unfocus, your hearing goes fuzzy and your limbs begin to feel numb and tingly. in your panicked haze you briefly note that you’re reaching out and latch onto some sort of soft material. the colors igniting the night sky become overwhelming so you squeeze your eyes shut. you wish you could drown out the booming noises created by the fireworks. it’s all too much, it’s been too much. your ears are ringing and your hands are trembling. the emotions swirling inside of you begging to be let out but you hold them in, not wanting chuuya to be affected. you’re nauseous, you feel as though you could throw up at any moment.

chuuya knew you got like this, he’s heard dazai recount the times this ability has caused you to overwhelm yourself and initiate a panic attack. your grip on his haori was unexpected until he saw the sheer trepidation swimming in your glistening eyes. his body reacts before his mind can and he’s scooping you into his arms. chuuya softly cradles your head, gently resting your forehead against the side of his chest where his heart lays. he’d seen somewhere that the sound of a heartbeat could calm this sort of episode. he also coos and and speaks soft words of reassurance.

it’s absurd how calming just his presence is to you, even when you’re this irate with him. you need to regulate your breathing. fast. the ringing in your ears has subsided and the thrumming of chuuya’s heart pulls you in. hyper focusing on his heartbeat helps calm you further and your breathing slows back to normal. your face is still buried in his chest and your hands are fisting his kimono. your grip loosens, signaling that you’re better. but you burrow your face further into the gravity manipulator's chest. he lets out a deep chuckle that sends vibrations through your entire head. it helps clear the fog that has built up in your head.

you utter those three words you’d been holding in since before he left. it’s like you had finally broken the dam within your heart and this was the result. now that the water has settled you have one last thing to do. but because you were so close to his chest the words came out muffled and unintelligible.

“my pretty doll, i can’t understand you when your face is covered like that. c’mere…” chuuya lets out another chuckle as you whine and pout dramatically when he peels you off of him. your face is puffy and eyes rimmed red. somehow your makeup managed to stay completely intact, you’ll have to remember to ask naomi what she used.

you huff and try to look away but he gently, yet firmly, takes hold of your face to gingerly wipe away at your tears. once he’s pleased with his work his eyes meet yours and he smiles softly. “now, what was it you were trying to say? i think i should be able to here you clearly this time.”

and something about the way he says that makes you think he actually heard it the first time and just simply wanted to hear you say it again. you turn your nose up at him and eye him suspiciously. “no. i don’t think i will…”

chuuya sighs incredulously and lets go of your face. he slumps down and rests his forehead on your shoulder. instinctively you raise your hand and sift your fingers through his wavy tresses. his hair is always surprisingly soft. you can help but to smile amusedly at his obvious defeat. you look back up to the fireworks that were still going. they must be nearing the finale because the amount of colors dancing in the sky have multiplied.

“stubborn as hell like always. i shouldn’t be surprised.” chuuya lifts his head back up and cups your cheek to turn you back to look at him. “you technically said it first, but i’ll let you hear it first. i love you.”

your lips part to respond but you find yourself mesmerized by the chuuya’s eyes. the reflection of colors swirling in his irises make it look like an actual fire has been ignited underneath them. your bottom lip begins to tremble as you feel yourself become overwhelmed by the feelings his words elicit. this time it was in the best way possible but it still made you embarrassed. you take in a shuddered breath and pout more. “god damn you, chuuya nakahara.”

with that utterance, you lean in and your lips meet his. you pour everything you have into that one kiss, hoping it explains your feelings better than any words you could ever string together would. luckily for you, chuuya has always been a firm believer of actions speak louder than words. he understands what you’re trying to convey and he reciprocates by grasping the back of your head and tilting his to deepen the kiss.

it felt as if you were falling into an abyss that consisted of only chuuya. your brain was simultaneously working in overdrive and malfunctioning all at once. the only thing in your head was chuuya.

it was only chuuya:

chuuya’s velvety hair

chuuya’s blazing warmth

chuuya’s soft lips

chuuya’s heavenly scent

chuuya’s gentle touches

chuuya.

then he chuckles against your lips and, god, you could just melt.

much to your dismay, chuuya goes and ruins it by leaning back and disconnecting your lips. you make a noise of protest but he keeps you firmly where you are. your eyes are lidded and breathing is heavy. he could sense how overwhelmed you were once again becoming. he gives you a few moments to fully cone back to him before speaking again.

you open your mouth to say it again but he interrupts. “you don’t have to, i understood you the first time.”

your mouth slowly shuts and you lean your head back on his chest, ear pressed against his beating heart. you both look up, hoping to enjoy the rest of the fireworks together.

“i’m still upset and this conversation isn’t over, but…” you trail off as the finale begins. after another moment you continue as you watched the colors multiply once again. “let’s just enjoy this. i missed you.”

his grip around you tightens. you look over to him and he’s smiling brightly at you. “i missed you, so damn much. we can go back to my place after this and talk over a bottle. how’s that sound?”

you look back to the sky with a smile playing on your lips. “sounds like heaven.”

[madcatdaderpydrawer-blog]

To be fair, Davis did say in a video that the only thing he’s ever portrayed on screen is depression. But any other mental illness is a no no. So he may not have anything like that at all and could still be acting of his own will.

I get that but how can they say that they only portrayed depression on screen when they have characters experience intense visual and auditory hallucinations.

Now you might say that’s to portray lore via the figures they see, and to that I say just use DREAMS! Have them dream the encounters!

[purple-ant]

Poison

The beam of light from the funeral pyre thins, and Jedi slowly leave the hall. Everyone is silent. Only Rael asks to be left alone with the cooling ashes. Dooku closes the doors as quietly as possible, not taking his eyes off the hunched shoulders of his old Padawan until the last moment. The shell of Nim's lightsaber burned down along with her, but the heart of the blade - the kyber - is held tightly by Rael in his hands.

The narrow corridor is not filled with Jedi for long. It is late, the Padawans are already dozing in the arms of their Masters, exhausted beyond their years with grief for their friend. Dooku does not move far from the door, he stops near the stained glass window, his hood pulled up mourning. The funeral floor is too low for sunlight, so soft lanterns behind colored glass are the only thing that disperses the darkness.

The initial disbelief and shock have passed, and Dooku feels empty. Death is never fair, it does not choose, and there are no other reasons for it other than human greed... But still, Dooku wants to helplessly ask. Why Nim? Why, of all the lights of the Galaxy, was this one, young and untouched, extinguished?

Dooku feels old.

“I didn’t expect you to come,” Qui-Gon’s voice sounds in the solemn silence, Dooku does not take his devastated gaze from the stained glass window. There is no image, a simple familiar pattern of circles and straight lines.

“I barely made it,” he admits. The flight to the Temple seems short, wild and at the same time a blurry moment to him: one second he ends negotiations and receives a ragged, stumbling message from Rael, and the next he is breaking through Coruscant traffic. “She was my grandpadawan.”

Was.

Qui-Gon gives a low chuckle and Dooku blinks, finally turning his head to look at his old Padawan. The young man's gaze is gloomy, and the dim light does not smooth out the heavy wrinkles that have appeared on his face in recent months.

“Is there something wrong?”

All wrong. Nim is dead. The child is dead, killed, and his first Padawan is broken with grief and guilt.

“I didn’t know you cared about your grandpadawans,” Qui-Gon answers defiantly. “It’s not like you care about Xanatos.”

For a second, Dooku is sure that he heard wrong. An auditory hallucination caused by nervous exhaustion is not something he experiences often, but... The silence rings.

“What?” he asks anyway, giving Qui-Gon a chance to think carefully about his next words.

“You weren't so concerned when Xanatos left,” Qui-Gon repeats, and the emptiness inside Dooku flares with cold anger. He can feel the flashes trailing behind the billowing flaps of his cloak as he whirls around to face his second Padawan.

“Do you dare,” he mutters through clenched teeth, “to compare this boy’s selfish flight with Nim’s death?”

“The Council should not have sent him on that mission!” Qui-Gon puts forward the usual argument. “At least this time they listened to common sense,” his gaze slides to the locked doors.

The Council is going to investigate this mission in a special manner, considering that Rael's actions lead to Nim's death. They were given time for the funeral and mourning, but nothing more.

“Do you... agree with them?” Dooku can hardly believe it. Rael has supported Qui-Gon since he became Dooku's Padawan, the boys were like brothers, and yet Qui-Gon looks into his eyes without doubt.

“Yes. You yourself noted that Rael loves battles more than a Jedi should. Apparently Padawan Pianna was the one who paid for this…”

“Silence!”

The word, the order, echoes down the corridor like a clap of thunder, and Qui-Gon falls silent. His eyes widen in shock for a second, and then narrow, as if he has confirmed something. Dooku had hoped never to feel this way about his Padawans, his lineage, but his fingertips tingle with cold, furious energy, and he presses his hand closer to his body, clenching his fists.

“It’s time for you to let this go, Qui-Gon,” Dooku bites every word. “And if you cannot do this, then keep your poison to yourself, and do not turn it against Rael. He doesn't need it now.”

“This is not poison, Dooku, this is the truth that you do not want to see because of your attachment! Why is it that when I lose a padawan everyone turns away, but when Rael kills-”

The blow is short and not very good, it reverberates with pain in Dooku’s tightly clenched hand, his nails digging into his palm. For a moment he thinks he has done more damage to himself than to the Master in front of him, but Qui-Gon stumbles back, clutching his nose.

Two ragged breaths drown in the ensuing silence. Slowly, Qui-Gon moves his hands away from his face and looks at the blood staining his fingers, black in the twilight, then the disbelieving gaze of his blue eyes turns to Dooku.

“I knew it.”

“Get out of my sight.”

“The Force will judge,” Qui-Gon leaves the last word and departs. Slowly Dooku unclenches his fists. The emptiness returns even heavier than before.

He returns to the entrance to the hall, unable to stand still any longer. He would never have thought that Qui-Gon would say something like that. Where did Dooku go wrong?

The faded presence of his first Padawan is closer than Dooku expects, and as he opens the heavy doors he is instantly confronted with an ashen, dark gaze.

“Rael...” Dooku isn’t sure what he’s going to say.

“No need,” the prematurely aged Jedi shakes his head too quickly, “...in the end, he’s right.”

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

[ID: An anonymous ask reading: it feels a bit weird that you’re playing like, a “psychotic” dungeon and dragons character. it kinda feels like your just using it as some fodder for a tragic backstory and like, you said they kill people, isn’t that literally a harmful stereotype about how mentally I’ll people are all murders?? it just feels like you’re not being respectful and should maybe look at what schizophrenic people think about their portrayal in media (shrug emoji). End ID]

I assume you have the best of intentions, anon. But I am psychotic. As in, I have psychosis. I regularly suffer paranoid delusions and auditory visual and sensory hallucinations (along with negative psychotic symptoms). I've mentioned this a fair amount, but it's possible that you didn't see any of that, which is fine. I very regularly make fantasy characters with similar experiences to mine, including in regards to my experiences with psychosis, trauma, dissociative disorders, etc. So this is less a situation of "unpsychotic and/or neurotypical person writes a scary murderer who kills people because they are mentally ill" and more "a psychotic person playing dungeons and dragons character that does genre-typical fantasy combat"

[lemonade-luvr]

I MEAN THATS AS FAR AS I KNOW. to be fair all i’ve heard abt it is You fucking hallucinate shit .thats literally it .

where the fuck did i get the idea you were having hallucinations then......... hmmm. however, i also dont get many hallucinations! at least not visual ones. im much more privy to tactile and auditory stuff!

im gonna infodump. autistic style. and if i accidentally desstroy your worldview, im so sorry. you have been warned.

IT GOT REALLY LONG SORRY FUCKKKKKKKK

schizophrenia is actually very similar to an autism diagnosis! at least from an outside perspective. it comes with flat tone and struggles with facial expressions and all that jazz! it can also make it really hard to think and leads to a very scattered mind??? idk how to describe it . because of the . well we call it brain scramble! i think its called something like word salad though.

the main defining thing about schizophrenia is the presence of psychosis, which is further defined by hallucinations, delusions and paranoia o^_^o

hallucinations CAN include seeing stuff that isnt there, though thats a really simple understanding of visual hallucinations. the visual hallucinations i tend to get are stuff in the corner of my eye and the walls kinda.. Shifting. nothing immediately distressing. but i know there are people with way more scarier things going on.

auditory hallucinations are something i experience a lot more, and theyre just.. hearin stuff that wasnt ever there. my brain loves the discord notification sound and like. splatoon sound effects. sometimes i hear someone yell the body's name!

there are also tactile hallucinations which is feeling a sensation that wasnt real. we get these ones the most. a good example isssss well rn im getting The Bugs. like buddy theres no bugs here you are feeling hair probably and yet even then i still feel it eugh eugh eugh. our headmates can make use of our tactile hallucinations to give me pats on the head though, which is nice o^_^o

delusions are simply believing something that isnt true wholeheartedly. i dont reallly like to share mine because im scared of people playing into them or thinking theyre cringe BUT i will share that we have fully believed ourselves to be in future london before. which is really fucking funny you are allowed to think this is funny. we are in the wrong country for that buddy. you can be fully aware that somethiing isnt true and still believe it! its fucked up! they should make that illegal. these are the mind killer i hate these little bastardsssssss... delusions are very versatile. its also like thinking mundane things are signs.... theres a lot to say on delusions.

paranoia is the one thats really easy to comprehend its just intense and unfounded anxiety. me when i overthink everything to death. me when everyone on the bus knows im gay.

also it makes it really hard to Word Shit. sometimes i cannot comprehend the english language despite it being the only one i fucking know. On that Topic. Sorry if this is Incomprehensible. i actually genuinely Cannot Tell. its usually fine but sometimes i just feel like i cant get ANYTHING across correctly.

impaired motor coordination is also a thing? which makes it hard for me to type sometimes and also do things like, idk, drink my monster energy without spilling it and pissing off charles. sorry charles. damn. UH theres also a lot of repetitive behaviours, and catatonia. it can come with memory issues and FATIGUE BIIIIITCH and BUDDY am i FEELING the fatigue today. AUGH AUGH AUGH.

oki think thats all i have to say on the matter unless u have questions

i feel so fucking nuts right now i dont know if its the rush of i just got to infodump or if im manic :sosonormal: <you are manic <thanks babygirl in my head. god i hope this is comprehensible

ONE TWENTY ONE GUNS 💥

[sassypotatoe1]

I have a 'voice of God' type hallucination, but I no longer believe in God, so I was like 'what should I call it now?' and my brain supplied Steve and I was like 'that's lame' so I complained to my friend about it to ask for a better name and he was like 'Steve decided we don't name shame or deadname Al' and I was like fair point so now the voice I hear telling me things that I used to believe were divine prophecy but now know is just autistic pattern recognition is called Steve.

Today Steve told me I need to make my movements more intentional because I'm very much using momentum and gravity to aid in my movements and it's contributing to my muscle atrophy that I'm trying to combat by doing stuff like full range squatting when I take the milk out of the mini fridge at work etc. So now I will be thinking about my every movement and whether or not it's intentional enough for the foreseeable future.

My auditory hallucinations are very limited and never harmful (somehow) and they're far less frequent now that I'm on antipsychotics, so I'm not concerned about them, because as I am now I'm able to recognize them as hallucinations and not add any power to them that they don't have. If you experience auditory hallucinations that you're sometimes unable to identify as hallucinations or give more weight than they should have in your decision making please take care of yourself! Naming your hallucinations might not be a safe practice for you but it is for me. Use discernment and where possible professional support to figure out what is good for you.

[weird-and-unwell]

Needing advice. Long post. But I'm kinda desperate. TW psychosis and self harm:

Background info: I've had a fair amount of experiences in the last few years that basically everyone thinks is psychosis. Prominent examples:

The devil is out to get me, he's possessing my neighbours, doctors and loved ones with the intent of killing me. Also Jesus and angels are talking to me and they basically say I'm the next Jesus and need to kill myself. Cue self harm to try placate them. It was all very confusing and distressing and I had to drop a fair amount of hours from work as a result.

A mix of more religious stuff wherein I was an angel, but also I had magic powers and the government were hunting me down to try experiment on me and shit. Also doctors were trying to kill me? It was again very intense and bad. Spent a lot of time wandering the streets at night escaping monsters and the government and looking for angels. Would have lost my job if not for luckily getting physically ill and needing a few weeks off.

Slightly less bad one in which I was having my life broadcast on live television and also being poisoned. Very distressing again. I stopped eating for a while because of it. Miraculously kept working through this one. I think I was trying to "act normal" so "they" wouldn't realise I knew what was going on. I did not do a good job but hey, kept my job.

You get the gist.

Anyways I've started noticing the beginnings of it. Prior to the really bad ones I've had:

Sudden feeling of impending doom lasting a few days to a week.

Difficulty just...doing things. I have episodes of getting super excited and doing all the things!!! But then although I'm, say, repainting and rearranging all my furniture, I'm also not showering or brushing my hair or generally looking after myself. I get flare ups of my eating issues (not like weight based, I just return to only eating potatoes and bread)

"Signs". Cloud formations show me messages from God. Spots on my keyboard mean something and I don't know what. Messages from celebrities who seemingly take on god-like aspects. Just normal things happen that I interpret in increasingly weird ways.

Increasing speech problems. Sometimes it takes the form of talking fast, stumbling over words, repeating words or phrases...other times the wrong words come out or I find it hard to talk or I say things that make sense to me but not others.

Minor hallucinations. Usually visual and whispers. Full auditory ones less common but never fun. It triggered my OCD once after I started seeing bugs everywhere.

Increasing paranoia. I think people are talking about me behind my back, that people are going to hurt me...it often gets more and more specific as I get closer to full delusional but the vagueness remains.

Then everything gets worse and worse until it becomes a full episode. Everything gets fuzzy at that point so I can't pinpoint the tipping point.

Problem is that doctors are being wildly unhelpful. Various issues:

They don't see me when "like this" because I cease having insight and get paranoid so refuse to see them.

When I ask to see them more often so they can see it, they sigh and say it's not possible and I'll be fine.

When I explain it, they think I mean anxiety. I do not. I know anxiety. Anxiety can be so freaking bad but this is me being stuck in a whole different reality to everyone else where I struggle to work and look after myself and get increasingly terrified by what is, to me, objectively going on.

Doctors that do see it seem to think I'm being silly or overreacting or something? Eg I called up the crisis team in a panic over Jesus telling me to kill myself. Got told I'd feel better if I watched a movie. Meanwhile I'm there sobbing about how I'm going to die one way or the other because either Jesus makes me kill myself or the devil makes someone else kill me.

The very helpful doctor (sarcasm) who told me she "didn't think (I'd) completely lost it) when I explained I couldn't look after myself, was being followed around by paid actors and was hearing voices.

As a result I am not medicated or recieving any sort of help, unless you count fortnightly CBT that is aimed at my "medical anxiety" aka ptsd. My family is trying very hard to help me but ultimately I need more support for my own safety and wellbeing.

So the advice needed part:

I'm going to have another episode. About two months ago I got my impending doom feeling again. I'm seeing things. I'm not looking after myself. I'm paranoid and seeing signs everywhere. Impulsively bought a bible? My speech is apparently not always making sense to others. I know by now this is me being a ticking time bomb. I don't know when it'll fully tip over but it will and everyone around me knows it.

How do I make this less bad of an episode?? Is there a way to get help when doctors don't believe you?? I don't know what to do anymore and I'm scared of getting hurt, or of hurting others.

[doglusional]

i dont. like how my brain acts abt things. imposter syndrome abt being schizophrenic because i dont experience hallucinations often. i experience delusions nearly every second of every day. but so many other schizophrenics talk abt their hallucinations (especially auditory + visual) and i just dont. have them often. its usually only a couple times a month and even rarer for it to be significant or bothersome.

one of my best friends experiences frequent audio + visual hallucinations almost daily and i get. jealous? which doesnt feel fair to him. i know that while sometimes he likes them (thinks theyre pretty), most times its bothersome. he'll hear things so loud that he cant hear the actual conversations happening. the room will be too loud and give him sensory overload because the objects in the room wont stop speaking to him. and im jealous of that? whats wrong with me.

i feel like i cant claim to be schizophrenic when such a common hallmark of it just isnt an issue for me. which completely ignores the fact that you dont even have to hallucinate at all to be schizophrenic, and the fact that i hallucinated more often when i was on a lower dose of my antipsychotic anyway. being medicated the entire duration of my psychotic symptoms has made it so i feel like im not bad enough to claim disorder. its not significant enough. im not bad enough. which makes me feel like i need to get worse. to stop taking my med so i can see just how bad it is. i want so badly to get worse so it feels like enough but im also so scared of it.

[beatrice-otter]

@eviltothecore13 made a comment on a post saying

Why are university students not representative of the general population for psychology etc? I could understand it for some medical things because you might want to study...older patients for instance, but why would they be so unrepresentative psychologically?

It used to be that experts assumed that psychology was universal, that while you might have individual people who differed from the norm, research using one type of subject would get you objective answers that applied perfectly to all other groups of people regardless of demographics and culture.

This is not the case. This is not anywhere near the case. There are massive psychological differences.

Some of this should have been obvious. For example, notions of what’s “fair” differ remarkably from culture to culture, so any psychological or sociological experiment involving that can’t be generalized to another culture, but for generations such things were.

But we assumed that at least mental illness would be roughly similar, right? We all have the same brain, right? Well, even there, there are major differences. For example, people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder in the US tend to focus their anxieties and obsessions on physical cleanliness; they’re germophobes. In the Middle Easet, people with OCD tend to focus on religious cleanliness; they’re hyper-observant. And while most Westerners who have schizophrenia with auditory hallucinations experience those hallucinations as evil and bad and scary, there are cultures where people experience those hallucinations as positive and/or neutral. Not because their brains are different, but because their culture is different.

Recently, there have been a lot of researchers duplicating Western psychological and sociological experiments in other places. And they’ve found that very little has the same results in other places. The so-called “WEIRD nations”--Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, Democratic--are extreme outliers. (And America is the WEIRDest of all). Even within a single society, things like race, class, gender, sexuality, and disability can also make huge differences.

Experiments on US college students definitely can’t be generalized to anyone outside the US and maybe Europe. And once they started figuring this out, they started asking “so are college students a good measure of studying people in the US?” and the answer is no. Because they are not a representative sampling of the US population in any way, shape, or form. Young people think differently than middle-aged-or-older people do, white people think differently than people of different races, middle-class people think differently than poor people, etc., etc., etc. To top that off, college is an isolated environment. You take kids away from their family of origin and the rest of society, put them in a large group together with people who are very like them, and spend four years doing things that aren’t very much like what came before in their lives and aren’t very much like what’s going to come after. They’re not even representative of US 18-22 year olds! All of this has a major effect on their psychological and sociological responses!

But even today, most studies are done on college students because they’re cheaper and easier. They’re right there at the university where the research is being collected, and you can bribe them with course credit or pizza or something, which makes them much more convenient than finding subjects who are actually a representative sample of society. We know that research done primarily on college students is, at best, suspect. And yet we still do it all the time!

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

here is (promised) plain language summary and translation! for translation, tried to be as detailed as possible to give everyone the same access. but that means it got too long and over the Tumblr word/paragraph limit... so i put it on my wordpress.

here is summary using own words:

.

the most common regression talked about for autism is early regression, sometimes called regressive autism. early regression typically start at 18-24 months. before regression, the infant seem to be typically developing, and then they start to lose skills, and this is usually when their autism is diagnosed.

this study looks at late regression, which the study defines as “significant decline in social, communication and other areas of functioning, occurring in a relatively well-functioning adolescence with autism” — AKA before regression, doing about okay or at least stable, and with regression, a shit ton of decline in functioning, like social, communication, mobility, self care, etc.

the study have 20 participants, 13-17 years old, 12 males, 8 females, please excuse the binary (and most likely cis) language. all are diagnosed autistic and experience late regression. they’re categorized based on intellectual abilities and adaptive functioning (i am assuming based on after regression behaviors?) into high functioning (8) and low functioning (12), which i am not going to comment about the language or they way they categorize it, but this is to say that based on this categorization + other things they said in the paper, people with intellectual disabilities are included, which that part is good.

did a bunch of psych scales & questionnaires for parents, family history, lab tests, etc. then follow up in 1-3 years to look at how they’re doing. how they’re doing is defined by good, fair, and poor, where to summarize, good is you return to pre-regression functioning, poor is like hell no, and fair is there’s some improvements but still significant difficulties.

biggest symptom of late regression are ritualistic behaviors and in my words, freezing. the ritualistic behaviors part was confusing because typically it means OCD-like but sometimes places misuse it to mean any repetitive behaviors and stimming. other symptoms are new or increased aggression, mood changes, auditory and visual hallucinations, eating difficulties, and speech changes including becoming mute. the author didn’t really go into detail about speech changes or any details about symtoms for that matter, like what they can look like, but to substitute my own experience, it’s like becoming nonverbal long-term, which is different from losing speech. it’s not an episode, it’s chronic. hence why i use nonverbal here.

17 out of 20 experience catatonia, which is a whooping huge percentage. there is also a lot of comorbid psych disorders and family history of psych disorders. the 3 without catatonia all had severe psych/mood disorder, particularly OCD.

interestingly, 7 had chromosomal differences.

treatment is typically a combo of therapy and meds. CBT and/or behavioral therapy are done, but more words are focused on ECT and meds. honestly understandable. ECT is a nuanced topic but it was only used when other things like meds doesn’t help/help enough, and informed consent from parents is obtained, etc. so it seems like it was done as responsible as possible. a specific medication mentioned was lorazopam, which is The Medication (so called) used to treat catatonia.

outcomes. a whooping 2 participants had a good outcome, which is really hopeful for us (sarcasm). 12 had a fair outcome and 6 had a poor outcome. but, remember this is follow up after 1-3 years, so still relatively short.

overall this is a short paper to explain to researchers like. late regression in autism is a thing that exist, here are some early findings and most immediate symptoms and comorbidities, it is a preliminary study. throughout the paper it emphasizes that to know more and draw more conclusions, more studies needs to be done with a higher percentage & number of participants with a specific symptom e.g. catatonia, no catatonia, etc. i wish they went into more detail explaining what the symptoms specifically looked like. but the short quotes from parents (and by short i mean like. short) itself made me feel less alone already. the paper at the end of course outlines a lot of limitations, like the nature of selecting participants through a referral clinic misses people who are in hospitals or residential places, lack of control, etc. i would also say the small number of participants, etc…

.

here is the translation in full with disclaimers: https://someloavesofbreads.wordpress.com/2023/02/02/plain-ish-language-summary-for-catatonia-a-common-cause-of-late-regression-in-autism-ghaziuddin-2021/

Found this on “late regression”

What do you think ? (If you want read , no pressure)

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.674009/full

thank you, always useful! I can't understand it (too much complex language and jargon) so I will send to my mum to read.

appreciate! 👍🏻

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Hey, did you saw the film theory on Invader Zim on Membrane that Low-key makes sense

NO. IT. DOESN’T!

Okay, maybe this is my personal bias shining through, because I really don’t like Mattpatt sometimes... No. Okay, I have nothing against the guy personally. More frankly, I don’t like his fanbase or the way he structures his videos.

The way Mattpatt words and structures his videos acts like he’s the first person who thought of this idea, it’s the main contributor to why I stopped watching his videos a long time ago.

He speaks in a lot of rhetorics and strawman arguments rather than just saying what he wants to say. Like “If you don’t believe me... look no further then...” and that’s the one thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE on theory videos.

And some of Mattpatts own theories he doesn’t take seriously, but this is what you get when you base your INCOME off of youtube ad revenue and browse the reddit forums for new ideas. A completely monopolized way of theorizing. (and this is why there are several paragraphs in my current chapter of Tech Support of Zim’s Computer complaining about the concept of youtube entertainment in general.)

Sure, I don’t think Mattpatt will run out of theories... but I really hate the structure of his videos follows along strawman arguments, acting like he’s always arguing with an imaginary audience for entertainment value rather than just say what he wants to say.

That, and people will often cling to theories of someone with good editing software and a youtube channel then Their own opinions.

Something that I learned was incredibly dangerous to do. I learned my lesson with “That Guy with the Glasses dot com” and I don’t plan to act like I know something or am better than someone else cause I agree with someone who said something on youtube once.

I do watch Internet reviews and theory videos for entertainment, but that’s all they are to me. I don’t like to watch youtube videos to give me opinions on how I feel about things. And I seriously think a wide margin of his subscribers lack critical thinking skills at times, as well as a majority of the youtube audience, or from what I’ve seen in the comment section.

However, remember... These are just my thoughts on the matter... My thoughts are not law and I never claim them to be.

Like when I first joined the fandom and posed my GIR analysis questions... I even said:

“I don’t know if the fandom has talked about this in depth or not... I just got here... or if someone put it into this many words before but...”  

Also... the thing that bothers me about his Invader Zim theory...

A lot of Mattpatt’s sources are just..... Wrong...

(for the next few minutes I will be talking about this video, feel free to watch or don’t)

Okay.. “Membrane is an Irken” this has been a popular fan theory since before I even entered the fandom and there are old fics about this. I have read Irken Membrane stories before.

It’s not personally my cup of tea, but it’s fun to think about.

But the straws Mattpatt grasps in his video.... Really upset me because there is some thought to the theory back in the day.. ... Like back in 2002??? but like.... NOW?!

Okay, I’ll pick apart this a little... bit by bit...

He says that Membrane takes a hard stance against anything paranormal.

Kinda... but no.. Membrane never outright denies the existence of aliens. (except in ETF... which he mainly says out of frustration...) This is what Membrane says about “there are no aliens” in the show:

Membrane just says that there are no “intelligent” aliens...None that are able to travel the massive distance to Earth, anyways... If aliens existed at all, (like the cryptoids Dib talks of) they would have traveled the distance to the planet and communicated with them by now.

However, this is a nitpick of a minor issue. One that a majority of the fandom tends to overlook when viewing Professor Membrane and Dib’s relationship in general. 

And I do find it weird that he used this for evidence when he cut out the most important snippet from the full lecture he gives Dib here.... JUST to support his claim... as if he’s intentionally leaving that part out.... hmmmm

However, I can let this slide, because it’s a nitpick and really doesn’t change anything that Membrane is very dissuasive of Dib’s alien-hunting hobbies. (I have a theory as to why and I explain it here in my own way)

The point is, Membrane is dismissive of anything alien... maybe because he’s an Irken...okay, good, yes. fair. 

A lot of Mattpatts claims from then on are pretty solid, and I won’t bunk them with “But in my headcanon/Fanfic verse...”  Because what he is saying is all true.

Membrane denying the existence of aliens even after being taken to space jail doesn’t have much of an explanation and is played for comedy and there are many ways you can go with this, and I am not going to bring up my fanfics or my own headcanons to argue with him here.

Because there is no explanation, and he is going with the “Membrane is Irken” theory... So that’s very solid when he’s talking about Membrane denying the Hallucinations. 

Mattpatt claimed that Membrane wore his face covering at all times and had been dressed this way since he was a child.

I will not deny this. This is true.

However, isn’t bringing up Membrane’s childhood kinda put a hole in your own argument?

MEMBRANE WAS A CHILD.

He had been shown to have childhood memories in the comics and the show.

Irkens don’t really have a “Childhood” per say, at least not in the way that humans do. They are a smeet, then elite, then Invader..

If he’s claiming that Membrane came to earth as an Irken SMEET....How, why, and when? 

That kinda raises more questions than it answers.... What are you proving by bringing up Membrane’s baby pictures on Earth exactly? It kind of works against your own argument? 

Saying that they’re Irken because they all have the same hair.... that’s just stupid... and he’s citing the Invader Zim wiki on this .... oh boy.

Yeah, Like before I watched the show I thought Dib and Disguised Zim were the same character or brothers...

But I don’t think character design here is a solid enough reason in this case... At least not when it comes to the hairstyles... That’s a stretch.

“Hmmm Membrane’s hair forms an M shape... What could the M stand for? Mirken?! SUSPICIOUS!” (this is just a joke)

Also... the lack of ears thing... He did say it would be hard for Membrane to hear if his headpiece was covering his ears, but not necessarily... The entire thing is a headset and he is the man of science, he can really do whatever the fuck he wants cause Science is like magic in a show like this. So if Membrane wears a headset that doesn’t obstruct his hearing at all, I can buy it... Also.. it’s equally possible his ears got blown off in a chem lab accident or he’s legally deaf and that headset acts as a hearing aide and HELPS him hear... 

Actually, I always noticed how in Membrane’s original design from the show, the headset looked a lot like a hearing aid. Specifically one with a head clip, It’s one of the things I first noticed about his design in the show.

And it’s just something I always assumed because he’s a scientist who deals with explosions in his face on a daily basis... (in fact he experiences one in episode 2B) So on first viewing, I thought that his headset served as a hearing aid as well as prescription glasses and a communication device. 

I’m just throwing out possibilities because the “lack of ears” is also kinda a stretch.

Mattpatt complaining about “lack of nose” however... Okay, yeah I’ll give him that one. It’s a character design choice that is a little odd for Professor Membrane, but it does fit with the Irken theory, since a majority of human characters, in fact, all have noses. So, Yes the “lack of nose” does fit more into the Irken theory. 

However.... Florpus anime Membrane DOES have a nose...

Meant to be drawn in a more semi-realistic artsyle, you can clearly see the bridge of his nose here.

And he looks very similar to anime Dib... Sooooo... Shrug-city... 

It’s likely that Membrane not having a nose in the show is simply a stylistic choice than anything else. Basically, the bridge of the nose is there... we just don’t see it.

Especially since Nightmare Membrane has a nose as well..

Membrane is like Home Improvement’s Wilson. We will never see his face, and that’s part of the gag. The man probably sleeps in his labcoat honestly...

I also find the voice pattern thing a bit of a stretch. Membrane and Zim are just eccentric characters who yell to emote or emphasize a point or emote stronger. And Membrane’s inflections are never the same as Zim’s.

Remember, no other Irken TALKS like Zim. Professor Membrane doesn’t really go around screaming: “I AM PROFESSOR MEMBRANE” either..... 

If anything... it just kinda proves both characters have auditory processing issues or hearing problems more then anything.

And there is a lot of screaming on this show.... Screaming from Dib, screaming from Membrane, Screaming from GIR, screaming from Zim... Screaming is funny... and characters scream so much that the characters with their mouths wide open is somewhat a staple of the show.

This is more because of Johnen Vasquez’s voice direction...

Especially since no other Irken really talks like Zim..

Zim’s manor of Speach is strictly a Zim thing and not an Irken thing.

Professor Membrane’s manner of speech is simply a Membrane thing and not a human thing.

I will give Mattpatt that. That a lot of tech in the show looks similar to Membrane’s. I feel this is mostly a stylistic choice, but it really does fit in with the Irken theory. 

Like that Zim just so happens to use the same operating system as Dib is played off as a joke. But it does add some small credence to the theory here... I need to point out when he does get it right... some pats on the back.

These are very good points and does follow through with what he’s trying to prove by the end of the day.

(even if Membrane was lying about the destruction of all mankind with the beans thing, but that’s a minor nitpick here) 

But his entire paragraph comparing Membrane’s tech to Irken tech is a really good one. Props there.

This whole paragraph about there being only Tall or short irkens cause their society is height based and there are no “medium-sized” irkens....cause they were “dealt with”

Okay.

....

Sure Mattpatt. Let’s just entirely ignore the existence of the Frylord and this entire character even though you mentioned it in the synopsis at the start of your video... Showing that Taller irkens are in positions of power against the shorter, also... Zim is a tiny irken... there are many Irkens that stand taller then Zim.

Being tall in Irken society is a rarity, and Almighty Tallest Purple said that he and Red “became” the Tallest. How? We don’t know, but we do know at one point the current Tallest looked like this:

How do Irkens get that Tall? Body modifications? Maybe... it’s never explained, but considering the Frylord is super big and probably eats a lot of snacks might have something to do with it. We don’t know.

It’s safe to say that being Tall in their society is a rarity and Tallests are either born or made special from the cloning chamber from the get go.

Not to mention, Membrane is Taller than the current Tallest are already...

 and you said earlier in the video that Membrane would have gone to Earth as a child...

When he was no taller than a wrapped Christmas box of socks...

So why would Membrane take refuge on Earth at this point? Mattpatt says that Membrane was sent on a mission to Earth because the Tallest felt threatened by his rule...

BY MEMBRANE’S RULE?!?

HE’S THE SIZE OF A CHRISTMAS BOX OF SOCKS!

What do they have to be threatened by? 

Because... Mattpatt DID bring up Membrane as a child earlier in the video... meaning Membrane came to earth when he was about the same size as Zim.

SO THEY HAD NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT AND HAD NO EVIDENCE TO BELIEVE MEMBRANE WOULD GROW TO BE TALL ORE EVEN VIEW HIM AS A THREAT

You bunked your own argument. Congradulations.

Membrane conquered the world through his inventions. In a way, sure. Membrane Labs does own a lot of stuff. But he doesn’t own everything. A majority of the Corporations that keep the population stupid usually don’t have anything to do with Membrane Labs and aren’t affiliated at all. 

But this does fit into the “Membrane is an Irken” theory so I will give him that one.

However, Membrane being an evil corporate dictator is a hot take I never really appreciate at all and I can never get behind it.

It hits too close to home in the real world, and I always like to view Membrane as a self-made man and a World loving hippie at his core who just wants to make the world a better place, much like his son, but he actively does something about it. (which can also be why he encourages Dib with real science so much cause he knows Dib wants to save the Earth as much as he does)

Just calling Membrane a capitalist billionaire that doesn’t care about the little guy kinda seems disingenuous towards his character for me. 

Especially when Membrane in “Ten Minutes to Doom” created a machine (foodio) that completely end world hunger... which was in BETA in the unreleased episode...

 but by the time the movie rolls around... Foodio exists... past his BETA, meaning that he’s probably no expensive than a common household microwave and can materialize food from nothing:

Yeah. Membrane completely ended world hunger off-screen. thanks. (something no capitalist would ever do...)

Membrane also does appearances for charity (in the comics), and often takes funding for sponsorships when he is low on funds and he had to find a cure for pig mouth. 

Sure “Membrane conquered the world” fits the Irken theory...

But I never appreciate that take on his character and that is admittedly, very personal bais. 

I just wanted to say my peace a little bit here about how I 100% don’t vibe with the “Membrane capitalist/billionaire scum” especially since he ended world hunger...and invented a cure for the un-common cold.

Works for the theory, so good on Mattpatt for that one, but I personally don’t vibe with it.

Mattpatt compared Zim and Dib’s head shape as something to argue... Like because Dib has a similar head shape to Zim... that Dib has to be an alien... Okay... But If you look at the Invader Zim artbook (which I own)

The show has a very distinct look on how they draw characters’ heads. It’s a very distinct stylistic choice and there are pages upon pages in the artbook describing the style and how it looks in motion, and many revision notes to the Korean animators.

There are lots of pages on the artbook describing in detail the differences between the main characters’ heads, what to do, and what not to do.

It’s a difficult style to replicate, and Dib having a big head was mostly a joke from the showrunners to the showrunners, cause they kept drawing Dib’s head slightly bigger to make him look more appealing.

A majority of the audience doesn’t really notice because all the children in the show have big heads. All the kids are like 3-4 feet tall and have huge heads. 

Also... Dib’s head is far more rounder then Zim’s in the comics and the Movie... comparing their head shape as an arguing point, when Dib’s head shape changed midway season 1 when the designs got slightly more streamlined is just... bad form..

Dib and Zim’s heads never really look the same from the early episodes as they do later on.

Comparing this character design similarity just because of the artstyle is really stupid.

This is the most infuriating thing about the video... because Mattpatt disproves his own argument with his own footage not a few seconds earlier. 

He claims that Gaz sarcastically mentioning she has a squeedly spooch is a canon fact...... but ... hmm.. Mattpatt... can I rewind the footage of your video, please?

Where’s her squeedly spooch?

IS IT BEHIND HER CLEARLY HUMAN ORGANS?! I DON’T SEE IT?

And this isn’t just a stylistic choice... here’s a picture of another human’s organs for comparison.

Mattpatt literally disproved his own argument and ignored the fact that we saw an X-ray of Gaz’s organs in the very same episode...

Gaz doesn’t have a squeedly spooch and she literally was being sarcastic.

and the whole thing is disproved very easily.

Everything Mattpatt says in between those two points, about Dib being taken aboard an alien ship as a baby, and that there is no mother, and the Clone theory... That is all good stuff and this is what the theory video should have speculated and focused on, because there is some digging to be had here... I feel he focused a lot on the wrong points in his video...

And this is the most outrageous point he makes in his video. It’s the thing that pissed me off the most... and lead me to write this essay in the first place.

He claimed Eric Trueheart himself confirmed the clone theory and had story plans where Dib would discover his clone origins.

HE DID NOT!

IN FACT, Eric Trueheart himself published Volume One of the Invader Zim script book AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:

Eric neither confirmed nor denied the rumor.

But for Mattpatt to blatantly say that Eric said that Clone Dib was a planned thing by the screenwriters?!

He is BLATANTLY putting words into a Screenwriter’s mouth! Something that you should NEVER do.

Because it is 100% a lie.

He had no source for this claim. He probably just read the same rumor on the wiki and has no source.

This is the reason why I don’t trust videos like Mattpatt. The truth is often stretched for entertainment value, or information is just made up to prove “they were right” about whatever the topic of the day was. He doesn’t even bother to cite the source he got “Eric Trueheart’s word of mouth” from... because it was wrong.

Sorry if this whole thing is more hostile than it intended to be... But Mattpatt was looking at the ENTIRELY wrong evidence for this show....

Irken Membrane is a fun theory... but Mattpatt picked the entirely wrong topics and points of discussion, even to the point of hiding the truth and straight-up lying to his audience about his sources.

It’s kinda like saying “Birds eat ghost peppers because they’re part dragon and dragons can handle spicy food”

While, yeah, Birds are descended from dinos, it’s kinda missing the full story there and it’s not the reason why birds can eat spicy food.

Irken Membrane is a fun fan theory... do what you want with it. I am not here to dissuade Irken Membrane headcanons...

I’m just here to encourage critical thinking, and perhaps NOT put words into content creators' mouths when there is no credible source for it just because it benefits your argument.

[vaultureculture]

Meet my Guardians :) [part 1?]

I have been playing Eldarya ever since I was 14. For the past few years, I had been reading the story religiously, mixing in headcanons to fill plot-holes, and  fleshing out Erika until she became something entirely different. 

Her character soon split into my three mains, all of whom I will introduce to you all in this post! In my Eldarya AU, they all exist in the same universe, and the three of them play crucial roles in the Oracle’s prophecy. I will develop them more as time goes by hmhm

1-Monnika

Name: Monnika Defreine (she/her)

Birth date: 14th November  [  ♏︎  ]

Age: 22

Species: Faelienne (Aengel+Human)

MBTI: INFP

Guard: Absynthe Guard

Familiar: Lillith (Bâkhrâhell)

LI: Leiftan (both in TO and in ANE)

Occupation in the Guard of Eel: She has taken on the role of a teacher for many children inside the H.Q’s walls. She specializes in lyrical poetry and composition. Whenever she is free from her teaching job, she adventures out into the forest to collect ingredients for ointments and potion spells. 

Sub-occupation: Trained alchemist, Oracle visualizer. Monnika has frequent premonitory dreams and visions featuring the Oracle, but she cannot understand them nor speak in their tongue. Her visual communication with the Oracle is important regardless, and she’s the most attached to it.  

Weapon of choice: Sword

Pros: Forgiving, educated, compassionate, patient, reliable. 

Cons: A push-over, easily biased, indecisive, self-victimizing, very edgy.

Monnika follows the more “canon Erika” path. She is the only one of the main three to have come from Earth through the portal we see at the beginning of the game. She is also the only one to retain an element of Aengel blood, albeit stronger than Erika’s. The option was ruled out for canon Erika, but Monnika is indeed adopted and a faelienne. She’s aware of her adoption but does not know anything else about her background, nor has she cared to know.

In her childhood, she was often reported to affect nearby light and energy sources. Her parents believed her to simply be sensitive to electromagnetic fields. This explanation is usually given to spiritual mediums: The energy they accumulate is said to be what causes paranormal phenomena around them. 

Once she crossed the portal into Eldarya, she began regulating her Maana, and her powers started manifesting more. The eventual blood transfusion and ‘soul-tethering’ with Leiftan jumpstarted a physical transformation, leaving her stuck out of her human disguise. Now, do not let her edgy appearance fool you: she is an Aengel. 

Monnika's form is inspired by traditional Seraphims— that is, ominous balls of eyes and feathers. Her blood is ancient, and her outside reflects it:  Upon transforming, all of her grows in size monstrously. She prostrates, back heavy with wings, as blazing white light fills her sockets. Her spindly fingers dig into the soil, like the feeble limbs of a black widow spider. She is one with the earth her mother bore her from; in her presence, one feels as though judgment is neigh.

There are no reasons to fear her, though, for she is kind and reserved. Monnika finds joy in tranquility and avoids company most of the time. After her initial transformation, she grew more distant, ashamed of her new condition. Her human blood keeps her from smoothly regulating her powers, so she is stuck in her angel form from the first time it occurs to the end of the War for Eldarya, before the 7-year coma. With training, she is finally able to change back to a more human disguise. 

Leiftan and Monnika are, indeed, soulmates. She always felt herself gravitate towards him and followed this attraction without remorse. Her alliance stands with Leiftan and with Leiftan only, which made her position in TO quite complicated. Her lover's crimes were heinous, but her eagerness to build bridges between them again kept her from understanding the seriousness of it all. After their coma, her spirit and trust are broken by Leiftan's distance. She's then left to pine from afar, desperately trying to comprehend how she's supposed to live with half a heart.  

2-Astraea

Name: Astraea Varma (she/her)

Birth date:  5th March [ ♓︎ ]

Age: 24

Species: Euryhalin nomadic mermaid

MBTI: ISFJ

Guard: Obsidian Guard

Familiar: Thetis (Blobbiathan)

LI: Valkyon (TO) & Mathieu (ANE) 

Occupation in the Guard of Eel: Unwilling to find herself (or her peers) wounded and helpless in the midst of battle, she started working as a nurse under the protection of Ewelein. Her eagerness to learn and help others soon turned her into a sponge for medical knowledge.

Sub-occupation: Obsidian infantry soldier, Crystal fragment detector. Astraea can easily sense the presence of crystal fragments, corrupted or not. She can easily follow them to where they are, as if they left a visible trail. 

Weapon of choice: Hammer or enchanted fists. 

Pros: law-abiding, empathetic, just, optimistic, fun to be around. 

Cons: Inflexible, holds grudges, bad loser, stubborn, quick to judge.  

Astraea washed up on a small stream that crosses the forest of Eel. She was found by Ykhar and Alajéa on the noon of the same day that Monnika appeared in the Crystal Room. Astraea had no recollection of her journey upon waking up beside the fact that she was looking for something significant. She made allusions to it being noted down in her journals, all of which she lost in the last half of her trip. 

She comes from a clan of Euryhalin nomadic mermaids, aquatic creatures who can travel both through rivers and oceans according to migratory seasons. These migration patterns are marked by the moon and the stars, so these mermaids are essentially nocturnal. This is similar (if not the same, even) to the structure and tradition of Alajéa and her sister Colaïa’s clan. The likeness between Alajéa and Astraea’s experiences will eventually strengthen the bond between them, and make them grow closer than ever— despite the initial moments of sourness. The only thing that could throw a spanner in the works is Astraea's distaste for Karenn, Alajéa's best friend. The breach between them is no different in ANE, as Karenn's overall demeanor is quick to make Astraea's blood boil.

Despite being an Obsidian, Astraea fears conflict and very much dislikes harming others. She is not one to await battle with a smile, nor is she an outstanding warrior by herself. Nevertheless, it is her wit, perseverance, and fairness that landed her on that guard. Moments of doubt, like passing mists, may have clouded her self-perception; She may have broken down many times but always stood up again to dedicate more effort to her cause. She fights when necessary, using her knowledge in enchantments to gather up fists of rocks as her weapons.

Incredibly passionate about justice and discipline, Astraea held the Obsidian chief Valkyon in high regard. He became one of her confidants in the tortuous search for her memories; then, a partner to stand by as the world caved in. After the War and the 7-year coma, Astraea withdrew into isolation, grieving over the loss of her lover and mentor. The cherry tree that once was Valkyon’s shelter is now Astraea’s place of reflection— a deep, melancholic pondering only Mathieu, a new friend, and Sonzaishinai, an old friend, can get her out of. 

3)Sonzaishinai

Name: Hélène “Sonzaishinai” Müller(she/her)

Birth date:  20th May [ ♊︎ ]

Age: 25

Species: Nocturnal fae (moth variant)

MBTI: ENTP

Guard: Shadow Guard

Familiar: Skade (Owlett)

LI: Nevra (TO) & Lance (ANE)

Occupation in the Guard of Eel:  Hélène had always shown a questionable interest in the archives of the H.Q. When Ykhar offered her to work as an adjoined archive librarian, she could not pass it up. She knows the catalogue by heart and has gathered a bunch of...information that may be of use to her. 

Sub-occupation: Master archer, Oracle interpreter. Sonzaishinai has auditory hallucinations featuring the Oracle. She is able to understand her tongue and speak in the Ancient tongue of Eel, thus being able to interpret many crucial pieces of information. 

Weapon of choice: Bow and arrow.

Pros: Diplomatic, humorous, witty, loyal, affectionate. 

Cons: Hides information, violent under stress, impulsive, patronizing. 

Sonzaishinai was brought to the H.Q disheveled and delirious by a group of local Purreko merchants. They had accused her of theft (bread? a dragon tear? so they said), and she was thrown into a cell pre-emptively. Nevertheless, her worn-down state and the lack of evidence ended the trial period rather quickly. For lack of planning and information about her, she was kept in jail for an extra day. Sonzaishinai was in prison at the same time as Monnika. The 'masked man' freed both, and the girls parted ways at the Hall of Doors. 

As a disoriented newcomer, Sonzaishinai was granted shelter. She was allowed three days to recover and decide on her fate. She would either hit the road and return to her homeland or commit to becoming a productive citizen of Eel— by settling and supporting local markets, or joining the staff. Her affairs were thoroughly searched, and nothing was found but a couple notebooks filled with inscriptions in an alphabet unknown. Under questioning, Sonzaishinai soon proved to be, somehow, proficient in languages galore, many of them forgotten and unused. 

She soon joined the same recruit program as Monnika and Astraea...not without the Guard's persuasion, of course. There, Sonzaishinai and Astraea grew close beyond belief. They learned to lean on each other, bound by laughter and blind trust. Sonzaishinai considers Astraea a sister and does not hesitate to call her so— while Astraea always goes to Sonzaishinai for guidance. In ANE's weapon giving ceremony, Hélène chooses to call her new bow (it is Monnika who gets the sword) "Astraea", for she believes the younger mermaid to be her protection and good luck charm.

The nickname "Sonzai Shinai" was given to her by a guard colleague from the Jade Coast. It is a verbal expression of Japanese origin, meaning "there is not", "it does not exist". The culprit behind Hélène's telling nickname is no other than her silence: One can barely hear her arrive, and she always seems to appear as suddenly as she fades away. With time, she fully adopted the nickname, and nobody really calls her Hélène anymore—with rare exceptions.

Nocturnal faes are beings as mysterious and charming as they are dangerous. Most of them present themselves as delicate young women, who seem far too attractive or even stuck in time, never aging.  Behind their lips, however, hide sharp teeth. They are carnivorous and oftentimes conniving, some even venomous, just like the habitats or plants they frequent. It depends on the individual, of course, but they do not have the best reputation around. Whatever they really are, it is not advisable to seal deals with them. They always have a trick up their sleeve.

Although Hélène can be 100% trusted if you are her ally, she does tend to keep many things a secret. It was her that contacted Lance in TO, never telling Miiko and even asking him to take her along. She built a sense of trust between them that allowed Lance to feel comfortable enough to kidnap her in particular, hoping she'd be the one to understand his goals the most. He'd never thought that she'd know as much as him and that she'd been using him to get new leads the entire time. Despite it all, they were always capable of dialogue, which threatens to come back in an incredibly mentally stimulating way upon their new meeting. 

Regarding Nevra, Sonzaishinai had always felt a strong, nurturing love towards him. He'd proven to be an ambitious brat with too big of an ego one too many times, but his light-heartedness and genuine attachment got to her rather quickly. Upon waking up after the 7-year coma, she did not recognize the moody and regretful man before her. He'd promised to love her forever, but now she stood alone spiteful, facing empty words. Despite their falling out, she will always have a soft spot for him and won't doubt to put herself in harm's way for him.

[actingwithportals]

Heyo! Currently, I'm trying to write a character with psychosis, yet as I'm (probably) neurotypical, I don't really know much about writing neurodivergent characters aside from things I've read online, and I'm not really sure how reliable those are. I don't want to be ableist at all, so I was wondering if you could give me some tips, please? If it doesn't bother you, of course!

Hoo ok so this is definitely a question that could have a very long answer, because there is A Lot that can be covered in how to accurately portray a psychotic character in writing. I’ll try to give a good answer without overwhelming you with too much info, and some tips on ways you can find further information on your own too!

First, and most important thing imo, is you definitely want to talk to psychotic people when developing your character and deciding how their psychosis effects their life, personality, and interactions with the world and others. Every psychotic person experiences psychosis a little different, so hearing multiple perspectives is going to be helpful in having a fuller understanding of what is realistic and expected. There’s going to be a lot of different situations too that your character will be put in where their psychosis would be relevant, and each and every one one of those situations are going to be varied and unique. Having a good, general grasp on psychosis will help you to tackle all sorts of scenarios with a better understanding, but I would still encourage reaching out to psychotic individuals if there are specific scenarios that you think should be given particular care and focus (and tbh I would say that any situation where the psychosis is relevant should be considered this carefully, particularly when first starting out).

Another important point to consider when first developing your character is deciding what sort of psychotic disorder they have. Not all psychotic disorders are the same, and even those who do have the same diagnosis might not experience psychosis similarly, depending on if they have other diagnoses going on, or what is their given personality and living situation. Some of the most common psychotic disorders that you would probably come across are schizophrenia, bipolar type 1, and depression with psychosis. All of these look very different from each other when it comes to symptoms, but even within each individual one there are so many variations of how they might present in a person. For example, I’m a schizophrenic who regularly has auditory hallucinations and severe paranoia, whereas a roommate I once lived with was a schizophrenic who was more prone to visual hallucinations and memory issues. Figuring out your character’s diagnosis, or even just their most common symptoms, is going to make your portrayal more accurate.

I’ll go over some of the more common symptoms and experiences of psychosis now, to sort of lay out a basic understanding of what it’s like. Also, it’s important to note that psychosis itself is a symptom and not its own disorder or diagnosis.

Hallucinations: This is definitely the most Recognized symptom of psychosis, and in my experience it does seem to be very widely shared, but not everyone with a psychotic disorder experiences hallucinations. It’s just the most “extreme” as some might say, and thus tends to get the most attention. There are a few types of hallucinations - visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, and gustatory. Visual hallucinations are hallucinations that you see, auditory are ones you hear, tactile are ones you feel, olfactory are ones you smell, and gustatory are ones you taste. Visual and auditory are the most common, but a fair amount of psychotic people also experience tactile hallucinations. Olfactory and gustatory hallucinations tend to be the least common, but can certainly still occur in plenty of psychotic individuals.

Auditory hallucinations: this tends to be the most common type of hallucination, and it usually includes hearing voices (whispered, shouting, far away, close by, etc.), but can also include pretty much any other sound imaginable, like sirens, your phone ringing, music, or gunshots.

Visual hallucinations: this is usually less common than auditory, but is still generally more common than the latter three mentioned above. One of the most common visual hallucinations I hear about psychotic people experiencing is shadow people - figures that appear dark and vaguely human-shaped, usually seen out of the corner of your eye in darkened hallways or corners. But like auditory, visual hallucinations can take on just about any form imaginable.

It’s important to note that a lot of psychotics can reasonably guess when they are experiencing a hallucination, but sometimes it really is hard to be sure, especially if the hallucination is something particularly believable, like a familiar voice calling your name from another room. And not all hallucinations are dramatic or scary (though these do of course exist); often times a psychotic person might experience daily mundane hallucinations that have little to no effect on their life (an example of this is I used to see the same cloud of sparkling purple dust at a particular part of the college campus I used to attend).

Delusions: This is the second most recognized psychotic symptom, and just like hallucinations it can be extremely varied, or even nonexistent in some psychotics. Some common types of delusions are persecutory (the belief that you are being targeted with harmful intent by someone or something), grandiose (the belief that you have a grander importance in the world than what might be considered normal or reasonable), and somatic (the belief that there is something medically wrong with you, despite a lack of symptoms). Sometimes delusions are specifically laid out ideas that you firmly believe, despite having no factual evidence to support them, but sometimes they are simply a sense or feeling that Something about yourself or the world is off or wrong. 

Some psychotic people are well aware of their delusions, while others aren’t as insightful (both are valid and deserving of care and consideration). It’s entirely possible for psychotic people to experience multiple delusions, and to be aware of some of them as delusions and not be aware of others. Delusions are an extremely varied thing and often difficult to clearly cut because they strongly warp a psychotic person’s sense of reality. I won’t go into examples here because detailed discussions of delusions is something I personally am triggered by, but the most important thing I would say to remember here is that delusions feel very real to the psychotic person experiencing them, and even if they are aware the belief is a delusion, that isn’t always enough to make the belief disappear. Respecting someone, while also not feeding into their delusion, is a delicate but important balance to navigate. You don’t want to invalidate a person for experiencing a delusion, but you also don’t want to lead them further into it, especially if the delusion is one that could be dangerous for them.

Cognitive symptoms: A lot of folks don’t realize that psychosis can have a major affect on your cognitive functions. The disconnect from reality can affect your ability to remember things like conversations with friends, important dates or responsibilities, or even what you are currently trying to do or say. It’s not uncommon for psychotic people to have the issue with beginning a sentence and forgetting halfway through what they were talking about (for me personally, this is why I prefer talking via text, because I am better able to stay on track with my thoughts). Aside from difficulties with memory, psychotic people can also experience trouble grasping new information and concepts, difficulties sleeping (nightmares are a common occurrence), compulsions or tics or habits, as well as stimming and hyperfocus.

Regulating emotions is also a common difficulty among psychotic people, and that can present itself as anything from hyper-empathy to low empathy, flat affect (the lack of physical emoting), or difficulties with volume control. Unsurprisingly, it’s often that someone with schizophrenia can get diagnosed with autism because certain cognitive behaviors look very much the same (though of course it is possible for someone to have both). And though most often just included with schizophrenia, non schizophrenic psychotic people can also experience catatonia (abnormal movement or behavior that can include anything from being unable to move for several hours to multiple days, to repeating specific movements or words and being unable to stop).

This ended up being A Lot of information, but the above is a very basic description of what symptoms of psychosis are like, and how varied the experiences can be. Some psychotic people will take medication for their symptoms, some will go to therapy, while some will seek out no medical attention at all. It depends on the individual, their needs and preferences, and what resources are available to them. Psychosis effects almost every part of a psychotic person’s life, but it doesn’t always present so clearly because it does often become so normal for the individual that it integrates into average life. For some this is ok, and even enjoyed, while for others the experience is distressing and debilitating. Often it’s a bit of both. There’s always going to be bad days, but there are good days too, and not every aspect of psychosis is negative or scary. I think, for me personally, I’d be a great deal lonelier without my psychosis.

If you want further information on psychosis I would definitely recommend the tumblr blog psychotic-psypport, as well as looking in tags like actuallypsychotic or pseriouslypsychosis. The best place to get information on how to portray psychosis is always through talking to actual psychotic individuals, as medical information online can sometimes be biased from years and years and years of stigmatization towards psychosis (but this is not to discourage medical research, just to suggest always having a critical mind when taking in that info and conferring it with the psychotic community first).

Also, a brief note on language. When referring to someone with psychosis, it is ok to call them psychotic! However, if you are not fully comfortable it is ok to say “a person with psychosis”, though imo “psychotic person” is preferable and less clunky. Schizophrenic and psychotic are not interchangeable words, as the disorder of schizophrenia and the symptom of psychosis are not the same thing. Psychosis and psychopathy are not the same thing (and psychopathy is honestly an outdated and Not Great Word anyways, but if that is something you are curious about I recommend looking into antisocial personality disorder - again, not the same thing as psychosis, but these two things can exist together). Unless you yourself are psychotic, never, ever, EVER use the word psycho. Just, please please please do not. I would say the same goes for the word schizo, if applicable to the character you are writing. (I am not the ultimate authority on this, but as someone to whom these terms apply, seeing non psychotics or non schizophrenics use either is extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant). Also, bipolar does not automatically equal psychotic, as psychosis is not a symptom that appears in bipolar type 2 (however I am not bipolar, so if this information isn’t accurate anyone do feel free to correct me).

A final important note to remember as well is that psychosis does not make a person dangerous, and more often than not the person experiencing psychosis is going to be at greater risk from their disorder than any individuals around them. If you wish to write an antagonist or villain with psychosis, please be extremely critical of your reasoning behind that decision and confer with psychotics on how to do that appropriately, if you should even do it at all.

I hope this was helpful and not overwhelming, and if you want to know about anything more specific I am willing to discuss further! The question was a bit broad so I wanted to make sure I hit as many relevant points as I could.

If any other psychotic individuals want to chime in feel free! However I would ask that non psychotics please do not.

[agent-resurgam]

Here's all my Splatoon Rosalia bullshit so far in one post. Enjoy.

CONTENT / TRIGGER WARNING: Blood, mentions of death, depictions/mentions of severe illness / disease. Everything is under the cut, PLEASE do not read any further if this sort of thing makes you uncomfortable.

Beginning: How the hell did all of this start..?

Good question! ...No one’s too sure about that. All the greater population knows so far is that it’s something that’s resurfaced after a couple thousand years, and was first spotted in a small town outside Inkopolis and the greater Splatlands that no one really knows too much about.

Unusual bright blue flowers began sprouting all over the city, and strange reports of death and illness started showing up shortly after. It’s likely just coincidence, but the fact that these were flowers no one had seen before was definitely treated as an ill omen by some. As more was learnt, however, medical professionals within the city quickly realized what was going on... They were dealing with something horrible. Something that could destroy an entire city with just a few pulls of a string.. and had already done so before their time.

But it can't be that bad for cephalofolk like Inklings and Octolings, right? Surely their biology can't support its spread?

That is where you are wrong. Viruses have incredible instability and need to mutate constantly to survive. And... that's, unfortunately, exactly what the Rosalia Virus did when it came across these potential new hosts...

Benignity: Dark phase and active onset

The "dark stage" of the Rosalia Virus in cephalofolk is, as it was before, nigh-impossible to spot. I don't really have anything to speak of here, but I will touch on it a little. In this stage, it's perhaps the most similar to how it acted before with human infection. Not much to say aside from the fact that tumors might start cropping up.

Right after this, however, is where the fun REALLY begins. The virus, after having replicated enough, will begin forming colonies within the walls of the body (be careful with hugs!). As it begins to settle in, one of its most notable effects is the first that will start to show...

The ink discoloration.

As the cephaloperson's condition worsens, their ink color will start to desaturate a little. This is hardly noticeable at first, but becomes more and more worrying as time goes on; even with spots of that trademark discoloration beginning to show in later stages of infection. It also has a slightly more pink/red/purple tint to it, and the undersides/suckers on tentacles almost always become a pale pink/purple color.

The ink occasionally coagulates, too. This isn't the worst thing in the world - it's far from detrimental, actually - but it does seem to cause joint pain and may also cause a twinge of full-body pain when switching from kid to squid and back.

Glimpse of Fear: More symptoms & nearing critical mass

As time goes on, more symptoms of the virus begin to rear their ugly heads. The most common example of the virus' telltale symptom is its traditional, incredibly distinct bruising - a trait some have compared to an ink splatter. It's actually somewhat fitting, seeing as the bruises are almost always tinted with the affected's ink color.

Another common trait in Rosalia cases seems to be a sort of... melting effect? The affected generally struggle to keep themselves composed, and it only gets worse as it continues; usually, it's just the tentacles that are affected, but it can become severe enough to affect the rest of the body...

Rosalia also still causes auditory/visual hallucinations in patients. The auditory effects can be a bit more... musical, though.. whether it be a strange leitmotif or a repeating lyric, they're unusually common...

Oh, but that's far from the end of it.

(FAIR WARNING, THIS IS WHERE I FEEL THE POINT OF NO RETURN IS. SOME REAL POTENTIAL SCARY STUFF COMIN' UP. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, STOP READING IF YOU NEED TO!!)

Thorned End: The last hurrah

For the virus, everything has led up to this moment. Its chance to spread once more has finally arrived. Now, a cacophony of explosions takes place as the body gives way to its glory.

For the infected, this is, understandably, probably the worst thing they'll ever have to experience.

Ink pours from the eyes.. mouth.. nose. Contagious ink. The affected can do nothing but collapse into a heap on the ground, in a puddle of what is essentially their own blood.

However, somehow.. there's still hope for them. You've got to be fast - incredibly fast - maybe even just plain lucky - to sweep the virus off its feet and save their lives.. but the miracle is more than worth it if you can see it all through to the end.

That should be everything! Thank you for reading.

I put a shocking amount of effort into writing/drawing stuff for this and I really hope you enjoyed reading through my rambles. If you've got any questions, please let me know! And please tell me whether or not this makes me sound like a fucking insane person /j