#but to be clear this post isnt about anyone specific i follow its just. the feeling yk

[baby-pink-panic]

Cute art/Fandom blogs im sorry for running a dark evil cringe sad aesthetic/vent blog and showing up in your notes I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorryyyyy

[dailyhatsune]

hi! not exactly a request but i do wanna ask, whats your process when you're rendering more paint like art? (if that makes sense, English isnt my first language so apologies hdskhsjdbd) i really love how you use the colors and im curious how you do it :0

i’ve been meaning to answer this one for a while so here’s how i painted miku in today’s post (put under the read more because yeah prepare for a long post

i’d also like to preface this by saying that i never follow a set way of doing things, so in terms of what my personal process is like, these are only broad strokes of what i do! sometimes i’ll combine or skip parts entirely, depending on how i feel. also, this is not a tutorial, just how i do things, so please don’t treat it like one :’D this will read like the ‘how to draw an owl’ picture if you do

first, like every artist, i sketch. more specifically, i’m getting an idea of what i want to paint later on. this could be how a scene is set up or in this case, how a character is posed. here i’m not concerned about details or getting everything perfectly, i’m only planning how the thing will be composed. maybe a lot of canvas size changing, or adjusting what miku’s doing (note how busted miku’s right hand looks from all the transforming!) however, i still have to be concerned with how clear the sketch will be to future me, because the sketch won’t be any good if i can’t read what miku’s doing

after that, i lay down a flat gray under the sketch, mainly focusing on giving miku a clear silhouette. this is also a good time to make adjustments to the composition on the fly if i suddenly feel like something can be improved upon, like shortening miku’s left arm from the sketch!

after painting a flat silhouette, i start shading in grayscale, focusing only on lighting. i usually do it in two passes, one for the lightest and darkest tones i’ll use (not black and white) and then a second for midtones to blend them better with the base gray but i forgot to screenshot the result of the first pass 🗿 nevertheless, here is where i can start adding some amount of details. i’m not including any extra accessories yet, just focusing on the base design of the outfit and the character herself (for anyone wanting to draw characters from That Gacha Game, this is how i personally make the process more bearable for myself.) i still use the dark gray to separate where certain details (like the facial features and fingers) begin and end, mainly to make colouring more bearable later.

now here’s where i get the Good Colours. it’s a cheat lol. i put a gradient map layer over the grayscale painting so that there’s a little bit of color to start. some gradient maps can be applied as is, some need the layer settings adjusted to make it look good. this one, for example, is a (free) gradient map set from the csp assets store that needs you to set the layer opacity to 20% and to set the blending mode to color to achieve this result. in general, i tend to pick which gradient map i want to use based on vibes, or basically whether i want the work to be warmer or cooler, colour-wise. but this does do quite a bit of lifting for the colors in my stuff.

and then, finally, i add the colours. i add flat base colours in an overlay layer. at this stage, i’ve made the character silhouette clear enough that i don’t need to refer to the sketch anymore for what miku looks like. also, the gradient map layer does its magic by making the shading a bit more vibrant than it would’ve been without it. after that i paint over with a new layer to add details like the lace.

and then i put some extra shading on top. basically this is where the ‘better lighting’ happens. again, this isn’t a tutorial, so i’m not here to say what each part of the lighting is, but i’ve labeled which layers do which job. in other works where the lighting within a scene is more defined (from a window, from a small crack in the walls, etc) the glow dodge layer may be more opaque and sharper, but since this isn’t a work with that, the lighting was applied using an airbrush. the linear burn layer is also there to make the whole thing darker so the glow dodge doesn’t end up oversaturating miku. i also usually match the lights to the vibe i want, and use a complementary color for the shadows. so here you can see i have warm colors on the glow dodge layer, but light purple on both the linear burn and multiply layer.

and that’s it for the character—here’s a gif showing how each layer adds to miku! (sorry it’s so toasty)

as for the background, depending on the complexity, it may go through a similar process, or if i can settle with flat image backgrounds, i just go for that. it’s ok to use external image materials. i didn’t have a background in mind for this miku in specific, so i got some default csp materials and threw together something

and that’s about a rough overview of what my process for more finished works looks like! again, art is a fluid process so i never specifically stick to certain steps all the time, and you shouldn’t either. i can probably answer why i’d pick this colour over another in one particular work, but it’s something that kinda has to be learned on a grander scale. i think everyone can already feel what colors work with what atmosphere or what setting, even if they can’t immediately explain why. colors and composition do take some level of experimentation to find what works best!

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

oizys u should explain mouthwashing game to me alkdfjals;dkfj ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ it sounds neat but too horror-y for me 😭 but i'm getting. idk just like vague hints that you've heard about it or something <3 sooo if u want to then i could hear about it without having to experience it directly 👀

i dont know what would give you the implication ive seen it im so subtle about my enjoyment of it (lying) but yes ill be happy to provide an explanation :)

specifically what im going to do is . copy and paste the Extremely Detailed Run Through of the game that i told blink in a fit of madness, which is pretty much as close as you can get to playing/watching the game Without playing/watching it imltho

and Then since that explanation will still be kinda horror-y and may not be enjoyed by all ill put at the end of it a tl;dr section that's a more str8-forward explanation of the game with minimal horror elements explained in depth

so if u want to read the whole thing Great, if not feel free to speed scroll to the bottom and read there :) if u have any thoughts or follow up questions Please let me know i love being normal about this game

warnings for: blood, gore, mutilation, severe injury, implied assault (general and sexual), death, general Horror and Tension vibes

mouthwashing is a sci-fi horror game, set on the ship 'the tulpar' with its 5 crew members. there's curly, the captain jimmy, the co-pilot, second-in-command anya, the ship's nurse swansea, the ship's mechanic and daisuke, swansea's intern curly and jimmy are old friends, anya's about their age, swansea's an older man with a family back on earth, and daisuke is a teen/twenties smth who doesnt really know what he's doing with his life

when the game Opens u are told it's '0 days until the crash' and u get to have fun playing as a not-immediately-identified character who's running their ship into an asteroid following that scene you switch to '2 months after the crash' where you're playing as jimmy, with most of the rest of the crew sitting at a table with u and talking about whether or not to open up your cargo hold- as a delivery ship, it's against regulations, but you're stuck in the middle of space, the only thing protecting you from death in the vacuum being piles of emergency foam, and if there's food or medical supplies in there, you need them if youve any chance to survive

you learn in short order that the missing crew member- curly, your former captain now that jimmy's taken over that responsibility- was missing bc he's been in the medical ward for 2 months, devoid of his hands, feet, skin, and one eye. he was in the cockpit when the ship crashed, and it shows. if youve seen the fucked up bandaged guy assoiated with the game, surprise! that's post-crash curly

u get to Have Fun feeding him pain meds after anya asks for your help, saying she cant do it herself. this game has Wonderful sound design so. well. no one's having fun

jimmy then gets to go find a way into the cargo hold, along the way learning that the utility room is foamed up to hells and swansea isnt letting anyone else in there for the time being- the ship's cyro pods live in there, and theyre delicate, so he doesnt trust anyone else to break through the foam without a) killing them b) destroying the pods

once u break into the cargo hold, u see shelves upon shelves of cardboard boxes before the game switches gears to flash u back to 7 days before the crash

u learn ur now playing as curly, who's finishing up a psych eval with anya. he passes, huzzah! and offers to do jimmy's for anya when she mentions that he never takes it seriously, making stupid jokes that she then has to write down for the official report

before doing so, however, curly finds that daisuke has trapped himself in some foam trying to fix a utility vent that leads between the utility room and the medical room. curly gets the axe out for swansea to free daisuke with + clear the rest of the foam. luckily, no one is injured, and the pods (right next to the vent) weren't broken. swansea makes it clear that no one, especially daisuke, is to go back into that vent. it's too fucked up, it can't be fixed, you'll be cut and burned and shocked to death trying

curly takes note before leaving to do the eval with jimmy, with it going over more-normal since curly is doing it instead of anya. they then talk about their respective life positions- jimmy feels he's never going to be good enough, that he's never really gotten anywhere meaningful, and curly is torn between staying in his role as a great ship captain or trying to see if he'd be better off somewhere else, if being a captain is really what he wants to do forever

jimmy makes a comment about how curly's choosing between staying at the top of his current ladder or switching for another, but he's still got 'a long way down/to fall' either way

theyre cut off when a message from the higher ups comes in, and jimmy leaves so curly can read it privately

back to 2 months after the crash, the crew reveals what theyve been shipping: mouthwash. boxes upon boxes of mouthwash. one of them makes a comment about how this is what they wanted us crating across the stars? only mouthwash? anya notes that the mouthwash has too much sugar to be used as a disinfectant, and points out the 14% ethanol content. swansea takes this as a good sign to take a swig of the stuff to Swallow, making a comment about 15 years of sobriety down the drain

we return to 7 days before the crash, where curly has read the message from the higher ups and it is Not Good. he goes to tell the crew, only to have them all greet him with hats and balloons- surprise! happy birthday, curly

they only get one birthday celebration per trip, and they take turns each trip with whose bday they focus on, and this time it's curly. jimmy comments on how the tradition is corny, but he's kinda grown to like it, and he looks forward to the next one. curly reacts oddly before he goes to make the cake; he has to be the one to do it, bc only the captain has the rights to make sugar packets

the crew ask him to do a speech, but as he puts the cake down, they realize something's wrong. they ask what, and curly reveals the news of the note- the 'pony express' they work for is pulling the plug on them. this mouthwash expedition will be their last one- they will get paid for it, curly says, they assured me the crew

doesnt exactly take the news well

swansea said they shouldve seen it coming, pony express was the last organization to run manned delivery ships, the writing was on the wall. anya expresses that she doesnt know what to do- she doesnt have any savings. daisuke asks if they can even do this

jimmy gets more into it, pointing out Specifically how fucked they are- swansea's hardly got that many more working years in him, anya never finished nursing school and hey we all know she never will, but, yknow what, daisuke's got a rich mommy and daddy, so thank gods he'll be just fine. jimmy's got nothing waiting for him on earth, but whatever, i'll be fine, isnt that what you said, curly? that im always fine? down here on the bottom of the rungs? and of course, for curly, this is the best possible outcome! a chance to leave being a captain with none of the guilt of the choice. he wasnt even running from being a captain, just from being around them, but he has to be hero. he's always the hero. and now he's still the damn hero

curly tries to calm jimmy, jimmy slams his hands on the table, and tells him to just cut the goddamn cake

curly does so. it looks more like a stabbing motion

back to post-crash, it's the middle of the night. daisuke's asleep, anya + swansea are missing, and curly's scream-groans are echoing through the ship

jimmy goes to check on curly, finds him flailing. he needs more painkillers, but jimmy's not sure if he's had his set for the day cycle yet, so he goes to find anya. both her and swansea are found in the cockpit, talking about something. anya's not sure what to do. they cut off when jimmy appears, ask him if he's having trouble sleeping too

jimmy asks about the meds, anya says she forgot to do it. jimmy berates her for it before saying he'll take care of it- anya tries to insist she can, but jimmy ignores her to do it himself

curly flails more, pained, screaming, but he gets the meds, jimmy sees to that. theyre running low. once theyre out, jimmy muses, they wont have anything to give curly for the pain, to keep him still

still jimmy, we now enter a This Isnt Reality moment

jimmy's in the main area, the screen that simulates a sky cracked and flashing EMERGENCY on it. at the table is curly, in all his bloody bandage glory. the cake's between him and jimmy. curly- who can talk here, who cant talk in real life anymore- wants to eat the cake. jimmy says it's shitty, subpar, not worth it. curly argues that u need meh things to make the good things Good. he asks jimmy to cut it, and jimmy says he will once he finds a knife

the cake knife is in the broken cockpit, buried in the back of the captain's headrest. jimmy comes back and finds the cake is gone, now curly's on the table instead. the game glitches and cuts to 3 months post-crash before you cut anything

jimmy's in the cargo hold. the place's been lightly ransacked, some boxes open, spilling off the shelves. you need to check on the crew

daisuke's on the floor right outside the hold, sick with a mouthwash in hand. he's drunk some. jimmy says he should stop, it'll kill him-

-faster than anything, daisuke finishes. he gives the mouthwash to jimmy. he never wants to see it again

anya's at the table in the main area, staring at an unopened bottle. there's a backup medical storage area, trapped in the foam, but not That trapped. she thinks they can get to it. they need more medicine

jimmy goes to get the axe from swansea. he's wasted on mouthwash (side note, this crew's ability to survive things that usually kill over the longterm is oddly high. no offense curly and swansea, but you both should be dead well before the end of this affair) and dancing with the axe in hand

jimmy wants it? wants to risk cracking a hole in their ship's emergency foam and killing them all? be his guest- swansea buries the axe in the sky screen behind him, right in the center of the fake sun, and lets jimmy take it away

he gets to the medicine. painkillers- different type, different dose- and medicinal rubbing alcohol (pure alcohol, the inventory tells you, so strong that it could kill)

anya asks him to give the pills to curly again. jimmy breaks again, yelling at anya- can she not do her job?? doesnt she know how busy he is as captain, how much he has to do?? find the scanner, get into the cargo hold, check on the crew, get the axe, and of course, give curly his fucking pills. anya backpedals, says she can do it- but no. jimmy's been asked, jimmy's got it. he'll give curly his fucking pills (the swear is in the mission objective now!)

i get it now, jimmy tells a pained curly, about wanting to get out. being captain's hard. you have to do everything. but don't worry curly. jimmy's going to get them all through this. he's going to fix this. he gives curly his fucking medicine

we now cut to 6 hours before "judgement". jimmy's locked himself in the cockpit- outside, swansea is yelling for him, telling him he cant hide, shaking the door. jimmy rushes to the supply cabinet, finds a broken metal pipe and some rope, these can be useful

he shoves the metal pipe into the door, trying to reinforce the lock. he grabs the rope and swansea breaks through the door's window, reaching through the broken glass for the lock

3 days before the crash, anya's sitting in the main area, looking at the simulated sky. it's set for night, deep blue and silver moon. curly sits next to her. neither of them can sleep, anya says she's been having trouble for a few nights now

there's a dead pixel in the top corner, anya tells curly, if you look closely enough curly cant see it, but he says it'll haunt him. now that you've told me, anya, it'll always be in the back of my mind anya asks how much longer they have to the trip. 273 days, curly responds, just under- -8 months, anya finishes. sits for another moment. captain, why do they have a lock on the door for the medical room, but not the sleeping quarters? same reason they do the cockpit, curly replies. safety the screen glitches out on the word

post crash, 5 months. there's an emergency, daisuke tells us- anya's locked in the medical room with curly

jimmy and daisuke go to investigate, try to force the door open. jimmy asks how hard anya's tried to unstick it on her end, has she put her back into it? she's silent. jimmy asks if the door is really stuck. it isnt, she admits, and she isnt going to unlock it

jimmy says she needs to get over herself, that she needs to learn to deal with hardship. all their meds are in there. she needs to open the door

anya says that she still believes people arent as bad as their worst moment (an earlier conversation, back when we were only 2 months post crash, when jimmy was musing on why they chose to keep curly alive despite the cost, despite 'what he did'). that she believes this isnt her worst moment. they wont stop her from what she must do

jimmy, worried about curly, asks daisuke if there's any other way into the medical room. there is. it's the super duper completely off limits vent that starts in the also currently off limits utility room

to get in the utility room, they need to get past swansea. he's got the key and he's still not letting anyone in, looking miserable and ill as he sits outside the utility room door. he's not dead yet, but the mouthwash isnt exactly doing him any favours

8 hours before judgement. daisuke's on his bedroll, bloody and in agony. they need disinfectant- where's the medicinal alcohol? swansea asks (demands) jimmy tells him cocktail, and swansea curses, tells him to go look for something else. swansea goes to the medical room, door now open. you can't see the area where curly is, cant find anya; the screen glitches out in grey stripes you go the cargo hold. the stairs leading down into them are longer, longer than you remember, too long. take responsibility, take care of it. there's a monster in the cargo, and if you move when it's too close it'll get you

you find a bottle of mouthwash, not yet opened, in the hands of the ship's horse mascot polle

you take it back to daisuke. he tells you he's sorry he messed up, you tell him not to speak

it's too much sugar. you have nothing else you close your eyes and daisuke screams

5 months after the crash. you need to get past swansea. he's got a high tolerance, but it can only be so high, right? you mix a cocktail, one part mouthwash, one part medical alcohol (so strong it could kill)

swansea accepts the 'peace offering.' he hits the ground and the key falls out of his pocket. daisuke worries, will he be ok? it's fine. he has a high tolerance

you open the utility room and find that it's not filled to the brim with foam. the edges are, sure, and most of the cyro pods are ruined, but it's clear overall. there's still one pod standing

daisuke's impressed. swansea's done more work than we thought! jimmy argues he hasn't done any work, he's been lying through his teeth the entire time, hiding the remaining cyro pod as his own secret and excuse to keep welding the axe. only one of them can survive, and swansea's setting it up to be him

daisuke isnt convinced, says they should wait to ask swansea about it. jimmy says theyll deal with him later. for now- the vent

it's still a danger, electricity sparking from a loose wire. daisuke's not convinced this is a good idea. sure, swansea may have been lying about the utility room being foamed out, but he was really serious about this vent. maybe they shouldnt go in

jimmy reminds him this is there only way in, to anya, to curly. daisuke has to go in- he'll be fine, and then, swansea will be so proud of him. he'll have done so well. he'll have done good.... under captain's orders

daisuke folds. he's going to do it. he climbs into the vent. you listen to him clunk through, shuffle over the metal- a pained sound, a groan, and then he's into the medical room. oh, anya, what did you do?

it's 1 day before the crash now. your objective is to find the gun

it's not in the medical room, not in the main area. you go to the cockpit, where it should be, and find anya, kneeling on the floor, distraught. as the nurse, she gave all the psych evals, but no one gave her one. you shouldve. you should have done a lot of things

you'll take care of this, you promise her, you'll get this all figured out. it doesnt have to go on the report logs. where's the gun?

anya tells curly she's pregnant. he asks who.

captain, anya says, i told you.

curly asks for the gun again, says he'll talk to him, he's known him a long time, but he needs the gun back

she reminds him that only the captain can open the case, that she doesnt really have the gun, just the case holding it, hidden away. the bylaws wont let you arm her with it against him, but she wont let it fall into his hands

6 hours before judgement. jimmy cant get daisuke's bleeding to stop. swansea's kneeling next to the kid. he's got the axe again

he talks to daisuke, for a bit. about how he hadnt been able to do anything right, about how swansea didnt know why he had come to the ship in the first place. about how he was just a kid trying to figure everything out. about how he was still always Trying. always wanting to Learn. useless ray of goddamn sunshine. you couldve taught an old fool like me a lot. close your eyes, daisuke

swansea raises his axe and strikes the center of the sun

jimmy starts arguing with swansea, angry, why'd he do that? didnt he see jimmy was fixing it, that he just needed time? why will no one on this damn ship give him any time?

swansea says he's done with jimmy's trying to 'fix' everything, that there was no more hope for any of them, that he was sparing daisuke from spending another second with jimmy and his delusions

jimmy accuses swansea of less selfless motivations, tells him that he knows about the utility room, the one remaining cyro pod- swansea's planning to try and be the last one standing, isnt he? 20 years in a cyro chamber is a better chance than the months theyve got on the ship before food runs out

swansea laughs at him. he doesnt want the cyro chamber. he's got everything he needs right there on the ship. does jimmy want it? he's welcome to it - he can tell whatever story he wants when the rescue crews finally find him. he can be the hero. curly and the rest of them'll take the blame. jimmy can be the hero

jimmy brushes him off, goes to the medical room. anya's on the floor, vomit on her chest and three bottles scattered around her slumped over form. curly, still alive, watches you with one eye as you pry open her hidden drawer and find the gun case. you can open it. you're captain now

you go to the medical door. open it up to find swansea running at you, full tilt, axe raised over his head. you slam the door shut

curly laughs at you. as you open the case, get the gun, find swansea running at you. bloody hunk of meat and he's laugh-crying at you

0 days before the crash. anya's in the medical room, on her knees. she told jimmy. curly says he wishes she wouldve waited for him. it doesnt matter. jimmy didnt take the news well, stormed off. curly goes to follow him. he can fix this. he'll fix this

jimmy's outside the utility room. i can fix this, curly tells him. you'll get through this

it's not just me though, is it? jimmy points out. it's your ship, captain. your responsibility (take responsibility, take care of it). that'll follow you around for the rest of your life

or they'll just see it as your best attempt. a tragedy, despite its impeccable captain's supposed best efforts. no survivors to tell the tale

for a moment, the first moment, you cut out of both jimmy and curly's bodies. you watch jimmy put his hand on curly's arm. take care of it, take care of it, take care of it, kills 99.9%-

jimmy says he'll take care of it, and he walks away

moments later, the ship is crashing, jimmy sitting outside of the cockpit. tell me you didn't-? no response. you pry open the doors to the cockpit, rush in headfirst. you'll fix it. you will fix it, even as fire consumes your vision

1 hour before judgement. you've got curly in your arms now. you walk him out to the main area- surprise! happy birthday jimmy

the crew's seated at the table again; anya with her vomit-covered chest, daisuke with a bloody line through his face, swansea with a bullet through his forehead. jimmy places curly on the table. theyre all celebrating him, begging him for a speech. you pick up the knife

for some people, it's enough just to put food on the table. but not for curly. he needs more. you've always needed more, curly, but that's alright. i still believe in you. even like this

a view from above shows the crew slumped over and unmoving. a view from jimmy's eyes show them sitting up, breathing, smiling. swansea's drinking more mouthwash

you cut through the cake with a stabbing motion, a sawing motion, dropping a slab on each member's plate. the cake sits. curly stares. both his legs are shorter than they were before the crash, but one even more so now. feast

you're in the vents now. take responsibility. there's no going back now. you turn around and something- a face- in the darkness- you're facing the vent again. there's no going back now

you crawl, backwards, through the vents. a bloody note reads responsibility and you crawl from it the fastest. axes line the vents. now flowers, hibiscuses, bright pink like the one's on daisuke's shirt

you tie up swansea. you can still fix this, you tell him. you'll fix this

swansea tells a story. how he used to be a drunkard, always down the bottle, until one day he looked in the mirror and scared himself, saw a bloated body in a ditch if he didnt straighten out. he got sober, got a job, a mortgage, a collared shirt. a wife, kids. none of his achievements ever felt as good as he wanted them too. those days, lost to the bottle, living on the edge- they were some of the best he ever had

if i couldve done one thing right, he tells you, i wouldve saved that kid. that would have been worth it. that would have meant something

jimmy says he can fix this. swansea tells him to fuck off. jimmy fires his gun

you walk through the endless halls of the ship. the walls are sporting eyes, and all of them are watching you. curly's eye, eyes. watching you. you crawl out of his throat and find him where you bolted him into the ship, half machine, surrounded by tvs

you go to the tv, watch a cartoon. it's mother goose's birthday. you grab the cake and pull out a slice of curly's leg. he'll thank you one day. you twist the knobs until the cake goes down a treat, until he can't spit it back up. he'll thank you one day

there's flesh in the ship and it's beating, bleating, horses like fetuses in the warmth. the blob blinks filmy eyes out at you and screams

polle's talking to you now. backdrop of the cargo hold. backdrop of the skyscreen, set to night. poor you, polle coos in false sympathy, caged and unbelieved

i tried my best! jimmy argues, me and curly both did. but curly's the better man

why are you still so concerned with him?

jimmy carries curly to the utility room. puts him in the pod. closes the door

we're curly again, watching our old friend through the glass

i wanted to help you, but all i did was hurt you. but you're safe now. no one can harm you now. together we can fix anything, right? we fixed it. i.... i fixed it

jimmy walks out of sight. you hear a gunshot. a moment of panic, blind- did he forget? did he leave you here, trapped, alone-

and the cyro kicks in, blue and cool, as the credits roll through your vision

TL;DR RECAPPING

mouthwashing is about a cargo ship crew stuck in space after their ship was purposefully crashed by one of their own. you take turns playing the game 'before the crash' as curly, the official captain, and playing 'after the crash' as jimmy, the co-pilot and unofficial captain once curly is severely injured by the crash. other characters are anya, the ship's nurse, swansea, the ship's mechanic, daisuke, swansea's intern, and polle, the ship's mascot who is only alive in some nightmares

throughout the game you learn that, while he's convinced the others it was curly, jimmy crashed the ship in a fit of desperation after learning that anya- whom he assaulted- was pregnant. the child was evidence he wouldnt be able to hide when they reached their destination, so... why not crash the ship and doom everyone!

the game gets its name from the fact that the only thing the crew was hauling turns out to be mouthwashing, which swansea uses to get drunk, but otherwise isnt very helpful. many good symbolic/metaphorical implications contained in it though!

by the end of the game, all characters end up dead, save for curly. anya commits suicide with pills, swansea mercy kills daisuke after jimmy goaded him into doing something stupid that got him seriously injured, swansea gets shot when going after jimmy, and jimmy kills himself with gunshot after putting curly in a cyropod. it's possible curly wont survive too, but he's the only crew member with a chance at it

the game has Many themes and concepts and such but some of the most important to take away are:

responsibility and complicity. jimmy and curly are the two player characters for a reason; they're parallels to each other. jimmy is the primary/direct cause for most of what goes wrong, but he wouldn't have been able to do everything he did if curly had done his job and stopped him. curly's complicity in jimmy's crimes are what ultimately doom himself and the entire ship. jimmy does everything, curly does nothing, and they are both to blame

the rampant effects of misogyny, in the workplace and general, and how even in issues that are All about them, women are often excluded from their own narratives. mouthwashing is driven by the injustice anya faces at both jimmy and curly's hands, in how jimmy treats her and in how curly refuses to see what jimmy's done because He's An Old Friend, He Wouldn't Do That, Right? yet, despite this, anya is often strikingly absent from the story, especially in jimmy's hallucinations. he's willing to accept the blame, the responsibility for everything... but not anya. he begs forgiveness for wronging curly, but he never even thinks of it for anya. in a story so largely controlled by the mistreatment she faces and everything she tries to do to combat it, anya is constantly sidelined. this is purposeful. this is unreliable narrator at their finest

turning the blind eye eventually comes back to hurt everyone, especially the ones who looked away the hardest. curly does nothing to help anya, only to end up in a position where he's the one entirely at jimmy's violent mercy. see the previously mentioned points

and there is So Much More but those are some base points u can carry away with u whether u read the full debrief or just the tldr :) hope you enjoyed . i am mentally well (lying)

[the-s1lly-corner]

Attention TADC fans!

I'm officially opening requests for characters! Below the cut will be my base list of rules in regards to requesting and that sort of thing!

To everyone who followed me for creepypasta, do not fret! Creepypasta is still this blogs default and I'm not going to stop writing it for the forseeable future, I will still be responding to creepypasta based asked in the meantime

oh also, im adding this right before i post this but i do have fluff alphabet requests open for creepypasta, but to my TADC fans, how do you guys feel about the possibility of me reposting that list and letting you guys ask for it? im still kinda itching to do alphabet stuff... let me know ! ill probably do it anyways but i want yalls input!

without further delay:

RULES:

please do not spam requests, i know it will be hard to enforce this on my end since i want to keep anon enabled since i know it can be intimidating to ask for stuff non-anonymously

since the main cast + caine only totals to 7 characters i will allow people to request the entire cast in any given request, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE that the more characters the shorter their list of hcs will be

please do not pester me to answer your request, i will very likely answer your initial ask. consistent breaking of this boundary will result in warning, and if further boundary breaking takes place, the request will be terminated

^SHOULD NOTE! sometimes tumblr eats the requests you guys send in so simply asking if your request made it through is 100% totally fine!! I'm specifically talking about people who try to pressure me to answer sooner, I want to make that clear because I do not want to discourage anyone from reaching out about that sort of thing

Reader is GN by default, you can request a specific gender but know it likely wont be important due to my writing style

WILL WRITE:

SFW, angst, comfort, hcs, short imagines and scenarios!

As mentioned I will do all characters, asides Bubble since I don't think there's much that can be done for them

Poly, LGBT, readers with disabilities and/or disorders (will let it be known here that i am in no way well versed in every disability/disorder, however i will attempt to do basic research for the request)

I am also comfortable with writing platonic requests and found family dynamics! I am not limiting myself and you guys to romantic stuff!

reader abstracting, while this may seem contradictory to some of the things in my will not write segment I have written about grief and loss before and I don't think it fully fits the category of what I won't write + death in general, so it shall get a pass

really there isnt much i will turn down that comes to mind, if something is breaching a line or making me uncomfortable i will let you know

reader inserts, ocs, and the like are all welcome here! im not too confident with oc x character stuff due to the simple fact that i fear i may interpret your oc wrong but i am still willing to try!

WILL NOT WRITE:

general problematic stuff is an immediate no

^so like, straight up abuse and abuse adjacent topics since as far as Im aware all the characters in TADC are adults (if I have that wrong please please correct me!!)

i am also iffy on yandere requests, this one is more on a case by case basis so please be sure to specify the intensity of it, since that will really be a make or break for whether or not if the request is accepted

NSFW, this blog is for the most part SFW. I occasionally vague certain aspects, however nothing is ever explicit. That's how far I'm willing to go with these things and I want to keep it that way

Full fledged fanfics; a lot of my scenarios/imagines tend to border on that just on a much shorter scale and in a slightly different format, but I am not totally confident in my ability to write proper fics :(

no graphic depictions of gore or self harm, and i ask that you keep that out of my inbox in general. topics like SH are allowed, however covering requests for the act of it as its happening is an automatic no (IE if you ask me to walk in on a character walking in during an act of self harm), the same applies to suicide

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

i have a nasty habit of not proofreading my stuff, so grammar and spelling mistakes are bound to happen unfortunately. this tends to be a worse issue when im posting on mobile (which i am doing less and less since i like typing on a keyboard more)

^ on top of that i struggle with writing, english is my first language but i have a hard time getting stuff out right on top of having dyslexia so please be patient

i typically tend to respond to requests fairly fast, typically within a day or two, though i do have some periods where it may take longer. (possible) same day delivery YAHOO!!

back to a forewarning, i have a habit of rambling and adding additional ideas and concepts into a request though for the most part i think i remain on topic (that just means you get a little extra content for your request ueueue)

[kvothbloodless]

As someone who’s followed you for a long time, and a fellow writer….do you genuinely support chatGPT? Even if it has been proven to scrape people’s writings without their consent? And the fact that its a soulless husk of what actual writing is?

So Ive done my best to avoid AI discourse, but I am bad at it. So to put it clearly.

I dont Support chatgpt specifically. Its a program made by a corporation because they can make a profit from it, and curtail its capabilities in line with their goals. I use it sometimes because its fun ans convenient, but I dont pay for it or anything. I think pretty much all legitimate concerns about AI are really just concerns about corporate ethics, at which point the AI specifically becomes irrelevant

I also dont really think the situation in general is one where "support" is the right word to use; its like asking if I support cameras.

I want to be clear im not trying to be vague though; i think in general AI is pretty cool, and that 99% of the arguments against it are factually incorrect, based on inconsistent or bad moral frameworks, or both. Im not going to get into all the reasons AIs are cool, since I dont feel up to doing a Big AI Post, but I do want to gesture vahuely in the direction of how much more accessible this makes artistic creation and experimentation, and all the insanely fun things people can use AI for. However, i do want to address the common arguments against it, especially since it feels like a lot of people are just misinformed and falling into the very easy tumblr trap.

1. Scraping fics without consent: if you post something on a public site for the public to read, and someone downloads it to read it, its not stealing. Tumblr is generally pretty firmly against strict copywrite laws, so its a bit weird that so many people are Very concerned about AIs "stealing" their work in a way thats even less direct than fanfiction. Like, "your writing is so in character" and "wow youre really good at imitating the authors writing style" are common compliments on fics.

To be clear, there are absolutely ways of interacting with free public content thats bad (like reposting). But AIs arent frankensteining stuff together, or copy pasting anything; they literally could not do that. The training/model files are so insanely tiny compared to the amount of training data that it would be impossible for them to be storing that sort of thing. An AI learning from your writing isnt really any different than a human reading your writing, going "oh I like that" subconsciously, and using that to inform their future writing.

Whats that quote about "to get better at writing, read more"? If you believe that statememt is accurate, then Im a bit confused how youd be upset about an AI "reading" your writing and learning from it?

All of the Actual ways this could be used badly (copying someones art style and then selling art cheaper, etc.) arent actually unique to AI (a person can also do that!), and also usually arent really a thing thats happening enough to be a problem (most people who want art from an artist enough to commission them, are going to want it to actually be done By that artist). Using AI to make an original work, or even to finish a fanfic someone else wrote, is no more theft than if you did it by yourself.

2. "Soulless Husk": im sorry im genuinely trying my best here to be gentle and respectful, but this talking point genuinely makes my blood boil a bit, so im not trying to get personal or insult anyone specifically. Claiming that art made by humans is automatically deeper, that art is all about Meaning and Struggle, comes off as extremely pretentious and just doesnt engage with the reality of art. Im having trouble articulating a good argument here, but like. Art doesnt have to be deep, it doesnt have to have a Message, and the necessity of struggling in order to learn about and create art is an unequivocable bad thing.

Many many people make art (visual, written, etc.) becuase they want to see or read something cool or because they think others will find it fun. Many many people who would like to create art do not do so because it requires talent/practice that they are not willing to put the time and effort into developing, and this is not a moral issue. As Ive said before, laziness is a virtue and self-indulgance is a goal we should aspire to. Using a tool to make the incredibly fun act of creating easier and more accessible is awesome.

Also, who gets to define what "actual art" is? Genuinely seems a bit arrogant and presumptuous to declare that something is or is not "actual art" based on your own preferences.

The posts that Really annoy me are the ones that are like "cant understand the people RPing or playing a TTRPG with AI becuz its soulless. I only ever RP with other people because the fun part is being social or collaberatively building story" or whatever. Cool. I rp and play tabletops because i like to have fun and I enjoy those activities. Im gonna be honest, i find it a bit offensive and kinda.. dumb, to act like its somehow morally superior to only enjoy oneself in a way that Builds Community or Has A Meaning. People do meaningless things because they enjoy doing them and so long as no one is being hurt, thats fine.

3. Replacing workers: This is the only argument that has Any weight, but its still a bad argument. Its absolutrly true that AI is gonna put people out of work. The fact that more people will be out of work and struggling is a bad thing. This is also what happens when literally any new technology is developed, dating all the way back to the industrial revolution (at the Very latest). Automation is almost always a massive net benefit to humanity (im aware this topic could be its own series of posts but You Know What I Mean, please dont start industrialization discourse here), and the fact that it puts people out of work isnt actually an argument against it. Lots of radio operators lost their job when telephones were invented, but that doesnt mean people should have never used the telephone and obstinately stuck with radios. When phone technology advanced, a lot of phone operators lost their jobs, but that doesnt mean people were Morally Wrong to use the new developments that made phones far more convenient.

As in all things, el problema es capitalismo; AI isnt preventing anyone from doing art, its just reducing how many people can get paid to do their art. The correct solution to automation putting people out of work is not to stop the wheel of tech development, but to change society so that one doesnt have to slave away in order to survive.

This also raises the adjacent point, which is that halting tech development like this is impossible. Once the cat is out of the bag, its not going back in. AI tech is going to develop and become more widespread and theres literally nothing you can do to stop that. If you want to be upset about that, its your perogative ig, but im gonna be excitedly waiting for the dam to break and we get an open source LLM that I can use without worrying about data privacy or corporate filters, so I can have fun and RP however much I want and finally be able to write the stuff I want to write but cant do on my own because I have adhd and chronic fatigue, and Id kinda prefer if people stopped trying to rain on my parade because they think im not having fun or creating art in the "right way".

EDIT: I did want to add one more thing! A US court ruled that you cant copywrite something created completely by an AI, and i think thats an awesome move and I hope it gets expanded a bit and spreads elsewhere. This isnt a position based on whether something produced in this way counts as "real art" or is morally bad or whatever, I just think that reducing corporate and IP grasp on anything is good, and that AI specifically is going to be most enjoyable when its free and open source.

[mithliya]

In regards to ppl jumping down your throat about that post (TM). 1) you're right. But 2) Like... I can see how discussing participating in sex acts with a trans woman is no different from having them with any other male is something that has merit.... But thats not RADICAL FEMINIST content. Like, is it gender critical content? Probably? Thats where it fits better. It would be more appropriate to tag it as such. But radical feminism isnt JUST gender criticality!!! Like, being gender critical is a part of radical feminism but They! Are! Not! The! Same! Thing!

And yeah, people instantly assuming that you asking "how is talking about giving a male person oral sex so explicitly (and in a way that would immediately alienate a lesbian reader... who the post is supposedly for????) is in any way relevant to radical feminism?" Meant that you were saying "female heterosexuality is unsightly and i dont want to see it and also het women need to shut up forever".

(And also the comparison of lesbians being like... I dont want posts about sucking dick to abound in the radfem tag is in ANY WAY AT ALL similar to homophobic people not wanting to see women kiss.... Like???? Thanks for being so bald-faced about your homophobia. Its not the same actually but its interesting to see that you think a minority asking an innocuous question is the same as oppression)

Dear. God. Some people on this site just fucking love to assume the worst from you and needlessly attack you about it. They bring all their lesbophobic assumptions into ANY discussion that you happen to have.

I'll tell you what a rational response could have been to the question you posed. "I think this is relevant based on gender critical beliefs that radfems hold and i wanted to share my experience with that audience"

That doesnt mean that anyone has to agree about whether or not it was a relevant post for a FEMINIST TAG based on FEMINIST CONTENT. But the way ppl responded to you was ABSOLUTELY DERANGED. Words in your mouth. Baseless assumptions. Critique based on things you didnt say. Like..... ????? HUH???

If ppl were normal the convo could have ended with you saying "actually i dont think this is relevant to radical feminist analysis. I think you should have used a different tag for this". Instead you had to have paragraphs long responses where you had to pick apart the lesbophobic rhetoric that is being tossed your way and defend yourself FOR LICHERALLY JUST ASKING A QUESTION.

You didnt even ask an inflammatory question! You didnt even ask it with intent to attack the original OP.

Not only is gender critical and radfem tumblr just.... Fucking radioactive with lesbophobia, but people *specifically* attack you with SO MUCH hostility and treat everything you say with so much bad faith. Like???? Its fucking exhausting to just read, i cannot imagine how fucking irritating it must be to experience it constantly. I wonder if perhaps... Hmmm.. there might be a specific form of oppression you face that might make you more likely to face these attacks.... Hmmm... i think it starts with "race" and ends with "ism". I have not seen white lesbians with similar politics to you facing the same backlash on EVERYTHING they say.

And accusing you of faking anons???????? HUH????? Yeah no, you -- a blog with thousands of followers who regularly gets anons -- MUST OBVIOUSLY have to send urself messages to show ppl agree with you and your opinions 🙄 maddening.

u said it all perfectly anon 😭 and yeah funnily enough it’s very clear people treat me differently, like even if ppl want to argue i’m an obnoxious drama queen or whatever, women who are that & worse still don’t get treated the same way. but if i point out maybe there’s some sort of prejudice underlying ppl treating me differently then i get mocked and belittled further 🤭 oh well. that whole interaction was just insane bc she straight up just lashed out at me & put a bunch of words in my mouth simply bc she saw that i’m a lesbian. funnily enough these things happen even when i word things in the mildest least confrontational way possible so i don’t even know what to do to to get ppl to chill out

[mdhwrites]

Sorry, person who sent the Amity ask here. I saw your tweet along with the blog response. Firstly, i didnt mean for my ask to be upsetting so im sorry about that.

Secondly, i kinda wanna clarify that i meant the fandom knows Amity isnt a morally good person not so much a bad character? (although yes her writing is not that great in s2 and arguably in s1 it is 'eh' handled too.)

I think the writers really could have tackled that morality issue and possibly tried to integrate Amity KNOWING her flip was selfish, it could have been an interesting s2 dynamic with Willow.

(but ofc... Hunter, who devours screen time. sorry i hate this guy, he is so pointless in every way. familial abuse? already being done with Amity. Setting up caleb? could have been done in so many other ways that didnt make characters like Gus and Willow have like no real development. showing Belos is evil? Vee is RIGHT THERE as a experimentation victim. and ykno, trying to commit genocide is a pretty big tell of e v i l.)

No need to apologize. It's not your fault and honestly, I could in theory try to hold myself back doing these and not get as emotional. I prefer how I'm doing them now because I think A: it just shows my passion for writing which... you know, it is my job, B: it shows that I'm not just doing this to prove I'm 'better' than The Owl House or any shit and C: that all of this comes from a place of... Well, sympathy to anyone else who is like me. Anyone else who adored the show and could ignore its flaws until it just turned into something so much rougher, meaner and blatantly unplanned. I agree that tackling Amity's flip as having been selfish and only around one person would have been interesting. It also would have meant painting Lumity as a non-universal good thing and that is clearly not something they want to do, despite everything they have Luz do post them getting together. They WANT that title of healthiest couple in media for their little Disney lesbians even if they've lost that possibility long ago. So I don't blame them for not following that specific angle. But I also made my blog last time the way I did because... By the end of season 2, how much do YOU believe she's still a morally gray character? Even if she's still mostly motivated by Luz, this is a character who won't snoop, won't be mean, tries to emulate her version of Luz, which is the sweet version of Luz, when faced with a dilemma, etc. like that. She is a good guy through and through, and especially more so than Luz because she has a problem with someone and she opens up communication, despite that making NO SENSE. Then again, much of Amity's actions post becoming Luz's girlfriend don't make sense in the context to what love, acceptance, etc. like that means with the only explanation for it being that Eclipse Lake was all it took to clear all that trauma and mistreatment because "It's Luz! What was I thinking?" *siiiiiigh* And then S3, from the clips I've seen, push more her being sweet or a complete fucking disaster, continuing something that has been happening since S1 even. After all, "Watch it, nitwit!" is like... the last mean thing Amity has said or done to someone who wasn't framed as deserving it. But she has been a fucking saint ever since then. And as a note, because I call even Amity's character arc bad, this is not a bad place for it to have ended. HOWEVER, the lack of her past self, her past actions, any personal goals or the like... It'd be like if Zuko joined the gang and then immediately was smiles, rainbows and totally not interested in killing his dad because that can wait, I just want to fish! At that point it's just an entirely different character and there are definitely points at which Amity just feels like she must have an entirely different history and personality than the one we knew and were told.

And as for Hunter, I've covered some of my feelings about him when someone asked me if I thought Lunter would have been better for the show *gags* but there's obviously more I could talk about with just a piece dedicated to discussing the character. When the baseline of your character is "Discount other character", you know things are in for a rough time. The fact that he's a discount Amity when I already think so poorly of Amity's handling... OOOOOOH BOY.

[moriaddty]

Small note: this is very diffrent from other things i post, but i decided to just use this blog as an outlet for whatever is currently going through my mind, whatever i am currently hyperfixated on, as a way to get it out of my head for now, to maybe stop the hyperfixation.

It contains traces of my experience coming out as trans to friends and a certain part of the doubt/concern that those reacted with, just in case this is smth you are sensitive to, i was too when i started to come out to people.

Im currently thinking about discussions i had with a friend of mine about discrimination he experiences as a man and how he feels lost and like there arent any support things for him and other young men, but he hears of lots for women and LGBTQIA+.

And this friend isnt the only one that discussed that with me. Nearly all of my cis male friends talked about similar experiences around me coming out as a trans man still pre-everything.

The sentiment echoed by all of them was: "why would you want to be a man, it sucks, you just get ignored by society and all your struggles invalidated."

Some even voiced the concern of "If you want to be a man bc you hear how men have it easier then women all the time, its not worth it, our struggles are different but we struggle and dont even get support." (very weird and kinda backwards suspicion of my "motivation" to come out and wrong but nonetheless honest of what they think somehow?! I took it as genuine concern out of not knowing a lot about my side and experience. Those who in following talks made clear that they just voiced it bc they werent believing my experience and emotions, were against being trans and trans people in general, i cut out of my life.)

I explained to them that i dont "want to be a man" but i am a man, or at least feel extremly uncomfortable and hurt when being percieved as a woman, and feel more confident in myself and somehow relieved when being percieved and treated as a man.

I got (mostly, luckily) accepted for who i am, but the sentiment of "Our struggles that are closly connected to being men are being ignored and invalidated, we dont get any support for them like other people do for their struggles." I hear even more now, as i hear bros talking to me as their fellow bro.

And i just realized: arent young men also a minority in most countries?

They have to be because the youth in general is a minority? Here in Germany, the majority of people is around 60 according to statistics. People older then 80 are a minority, but so are people under 35.

How come we hear so little about supporting structures and organisations for young men? I know some exist in Germany (not that many catering to specific problems young men experience sadly), i looked into that before, but even the mere existence of those isnt in common knowledge of your everyday person.

Like, not even the knowledge of the specific organisations. But that something like it exists, not only isnt in the awareness of people, but even the possibility of smth like that existing seems to unfathomable for many, hence they don't even try searching for them.

Anyone has any thoughts on why it is like that?

(Also any pointers towards organisations that also have support for struggles of young men, especially in Europe and Germany, that any of you all maybe have made good personal experiences with (or even bad experiences ones as a small warning of those) are greatly appreciated, as are any other resources about this topic.)

[bawmbo]

hey, okay so ive been thinking about this one a lot. i want to emphasize before i post anything here this is not meant to attack op, but function as a means for me to express my opinions over it and discuss with others if wanted. and while i am not a very big account, if i find out that any of my followers harass anyone over this, this post will be taken down. please behave ty

i am the (relatively new est. few months or so) host of a transmasc did system (and should go without saying but i will add, cptsd, depression) so i think i have some unique perspective on this.

all of it will be under cut for the sake of not completely clogging up my blog because i talk a lot

i. transgender codedness and headcanons

i want to start with, "the arguments for headcanons of this kind were quite remarkabe, and in particular far-fetched; ... (1)" and the idea that, "headcanons on religion, gender, orientation, etc. should be very careful, detailed, and canonically close. (2)" and because this discussion is about gender and mental health, i will be focusing on that strictly.

(1) - "the arguments for headcanons of this kind were quite remarkabe, and in particular far-fetched; ... (1)" - while it could be confusing where it comes from, as stated before, cross is probably one of the best and clear trans coded characters i have seen made in the public utmv as it exists at the moment. and while a lot of his reactions blend into trauma, it does not negate the fact that trauma and trans identities can co exist and affect how one may react to the sort of feeling it invokes to have your identity disrespected; see: being called sans instead of cross.

though it isnt entirely just because of his reactions - his feeling of disconnection from a normalized "whole" of what hes supposed to be and what he actually is is trans coded. and while i havent read the xtale comics or watched the most recent underverse episode, we see aspects of ourselves in his behaviors; in being hypersensitive (and while not a feminine trait, there are (frankly fucked) gender 'roles' and 'rules' that made us believe it was - our father telling us "girls are just more emotional" - but i could get into gender roles and that kinda stuff and rant about it forever. still want to emphasize that anyone can feel anything but looking at this from the lens of how society views gender versus how i do lmao), in being rowdy, in being in the royal guard, in behaviors that we were described as "tom boys" with. and his blasters a girl, and everything in relation to him is queer. this is all from memory and im sure if i looked up more about him id be able to pull more, but it goes to say everyone has their reasons beyond "cross is transgender because he does not want to admit that he is one of the sanses." - and imo, thats a fair enough reason alone

(2) - "headcanons on religion, gender, orientation, etc. should be very careful, detailed, and canonically close. (2)" - i believe that certain headcanons, to a degree, should be handled with care to not further very harmful stereotypes. theres a lot of gray area to it, but i want to speak specifically about gender, where i believe there should be less strictness on it.

disregarding the fact that its confirmed, canonically, that cross is trans coded - i believe that gender orientation headcanons should not have to be restricted to the rules of "canonically close." thats what headcanons can be. not close at all. and while mischaracterizations are an entirely different semi-frustrating topic for me, but as a transmasc being and a writer, i loooove love love seeing people headcanon characters, especially my characters, as different genders. like idk, dr. blue is an incredibly cis man in my head. you see yourself in his experience? you wanna headcanon him as transneu puppygender? maybe transfem or transmasc? maybe fully a transman? perhaps to you he is aroace, and maybe hes bisexual, and maybe hes some incredibly obscure label i dont even know yet. he can be polyamorous. by all means, go ahead. it doesnt closely align with his canon but it doesnt harm anyone at all.

this section is more so my opinions if anything but i still wanted to get that out there: it is not harmful

and i dont vocally address half of the things said in the slideshow against it, but again; trauma and transness can and do co exist, and there is no harm in imposing labels onto characters that you see yourself in. this is how a lot of people empathize and connect with characters. this is, intentionally or not, how representation can be made.

ravenpaw and barley from warrior cats are not explicitly stated as gay characters, and are coded to be, and a little kid may see that and finally be understood by a character. ink and fresh are autism coded, and not explicitly stated to have autism, but that meant that in a world where no one would listen and understand our hardships, we at least felt seen and a little bit more comforted knowing that our favorite characters were just like us. the same can be said about dream, nightmare, and religious / parental trauma.

ii. PTSD, DID, and mental health

"cross' approximate diagnoses include PTSD, dissociative identity disorder, depression, or extreme aggression."

"after all, he goes crazy about his past, blames himself for everything, he has many triggers, he does not control his emotions and especially anger, he is ready to do anything to fulfill his desires. He loses himself because a whole multiverse opens up before him, everyone does not tell him something and lies. Many use him and harm him. From which he develops all the listed states."

to circle back to harmful headcanons - i want to focus solely on my experiences with being a system and ableism. i want to reiterate i am by no means a professional and this is speaking strictly personally

i feel that did is something that you should be very careful with headcanoning, as mental health and gender, while can affect presentations of each other, are very separate and treated differently.

did is often very demonized, very mocked, not taken seriously. you may see the movie split, and we had actually been asked at some point if being a system was "like (split) that movie". we were formerly in a relationship before the host change where i was kinda the equivalent of "the evil alter" and every time i fronted i was met with hostility and ableism (physically disabled as well). our other protector was also treated pretty badly and he actually puts in the effort to be a bit nicer lmao. but still. despite my efforts of being kind or sharing the energy, it was just me. and that isnt even the first person who saw me this way, and im not the first alter to be demonized for just doing my job. and to this is just me saying that i dont really know if theres been much progress in education towards the public of this disorder lol

and while, yes, cross has childhood trauma and identity problems, i dont think he really exhibits anything like it? the closest youll get to showing an "alter" is when he is, quite literally, being possessed by xchara. and while i can joke about experiencing fighting for front to being fighting for my body against possession by a ravenous 7 year old, it doesnt actually translate.

when the only applicable alter wants to murder people, i think you get into some iffy territory over whether or not you should claim it as the disorder thats kinda commonly portrayed as "my evil werewolf alter ego who wants me to kill people disorder." and sure, some alters will want to cause harm, and i think that that should be addressed, but it is very harmful if thats the only thing being shown about it. i also think that that should be addressed very carefully due to the aforementioned demonization and misrepresentation already. and they are very literally separate people

cptsd is closest. he does not want to be connected to his past, hes constantly running to find himself, hes attempting to make a new identity for himself. hes incredibly hurt and reactive to everything around him, its all bite and little room for barking. but hes consistent. the point is, hes always been cross. he always will be cross. he will never be sans, he will never be what they thought of him to be, and if he has to spell that out in a near death battle to hammer the point in then so be it. and the way he is so angry about how they disrespect his identity feels like all of the scenarios id imagine yelling to my parents about, "im a boy, im a boy. im your son. call me (not even my name). call me the name we told you we were. i am not your little girl" that will never happen.

sure, he has extreme aggression, and its on par to say that he probably has depression alongside it. but DID, not at all. thats one whole guy. he lacks any real key details about the disorder, especially alters

"he is so worried about his name and his originality because he is afraid of being lost among a thousand copies, and his name was the first thing that distinguished him in the crowd."

all sanses are called by something different (swap/blue, fell/red, ink, error, geno) it would have been no worry for anyone in the multiverse to adjust to - but his family. who refuses to accept that he wants his own autonomy. that he wants to have the freedom to be who he is. that he isnt like the thousands that came before him and the hundreds more that will come after. the fact that he is so concerned with his name and the fact that it was always a key part of his character, only to be confirmed as a trans coded thing is more than likely intentional. from a writers standpoint whose also writing a character whose transness and trauma are intertwined and incredibly important to each other.

also some extra notes,: cross isnt incredibly dissociative. he is shown to be incredibly hypervigilant of his surroundings, connected and key to everything. he doesnt really show signs of even derealization, emotional amnesia, amnesia in general tbh, etc., this all goes to say that i also think the post is very poorly worded and ptsd is also demonized. but i am just going to assume it was meant with good intentions. i could be nit picky about wording whenever. but it does read as ableist and transphobic

extra extra side note. creators can just do whatever they want with their characters. even if it wasnt intended and she realized that "hey, actually this is kinda trans coded" and decided to make it canon on a whim, then who cares. its actually super cool when creators make popular headcanons canon because it adds to their story and fits in well

anyways ill stop yapping for five hours. i am not proof reading it idk if its coherent. i just like talking

-✦

[narwhalandchill]

Tag game: Current

got tagged by @begaydoalchemy !! thank u !!

- Current time: 9:45 (AM for you US peeps smh)

- Current activity: finished up prefarming blades traces to 6/8/8/8. double calyx drops events is a godsend. was listening to a video essay on the bg but the favorite song section made me go listen to stiny on repeat again bc i love inflicting emotional damage on myself so i guess thats what.

- Currently thinking about: so theres this person in the hsr leaks subreddit megathread doing daily renheng insanity ponderings since blades trailer dropped and ive been just losing my mind ever since reading them. anyway i wanted everyone here to get to see them too but didnt wanna repost em bc its just kinda ehhhh to do so. here u go!! suffer with me!!! click the links theres all 3!!! (spoilery warning tho. idr how many leaks refs there are in there exactly but expect some at least)

- Current favorite song: spotify most listened to top5 currently looking like NEON by raon, kissaki by reol, wildfire, cha cha cha (we will never forgive xx swedes watch out) and stiny from KALUSH & jerry heil.

but like let me be clear the only reason reol isnt number 1 is bc the full version of the song only came out like 2 weeks ago and the earlier released shorter anime ver of kissaki is literally 7th on the list.

- Currently reading: ...i mean mostly just renheng fanfic but uhhh. i did read where the crawdads sing from delia owens (just plucked it out from the bookshelf randomly bc i was bored) a month or so back. it was neat but no like particular strong feelings abt it. it was very well written and i liked the flow of the prose a lot. also waiting for crooked kingdom to get a finnish translation bc i got six of crows in finnish and i dont do book series as mixed language sets generally. (also the translation work itself was just like an absolute fucking banger with the imagery and metaphors used like chef kiss)

- Currently watching: no particular show (last thing was when i rewatched fmab a couple months ago) going on but like. random video essays or informative stuff on yt honestly and its mostly for bg noise.

- Current favorite character: gee i wonder. dan heng (past editions included), blade, (big gap here bc i tunnel vision on characters), bailu, luocha, jing yuan i think for specific ones from hsr for now. am looking out for jingliu and fu xuan too i need to study them. in genshin its like. yeah its mr childe ajax tartaglia all the way but i kinda just havent been feeling it for the game much so eh. tighnari, kazuha up there too n arlecchino obvi.

- Current WIPS: what kind of productive person do you take me for??? ig i like. opened word this week to type out some random passage drafts for a ficlet type thing relating to the post i made a while back abt belobogs temperatures wrt dan hengs potential terrible, horrible, no good, very bad scalie time with it but do Not expect any results from that or anything i s2g. ive finished one fic in my life and that was half poetry half madness full one sitting and be done with it type deal

im sorry i have no idea who to tag so like. anyone who wants to do it feel free, mutuals or followers!!! :]

[furiosity-wills-the-cat]

Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

[technosnake]

Got a reply to my piglin lore post so!

Piglins. I love them

So piglins probably dont get all their food from huntung hoglins, right? They have some form of getting food via farming. I think they do.

So, piglins live primarily in bastions (with some more nomadic groups, like traders and such) so they need to keep their farms close. Warped biomes, (also called otherworldly biomes in piglin, since the colors green/blue/occasional purple are associated with the overworld and only seen in these biomes and in soulsand biomes) grow and move very slowly, hardly budging even after generations, while crimson biomes move very quickly, and are eaten by hoglins/other wildlife just as fast. Warped biomes, while stable, are terrible food sources, as the majority of their plant life chills piglins down to a deadly point. Crimson forests, while housing the majority of their food supplies, will spring up and dissapear very quickly, not even including the dangerous nature of hoglins and their tendancy to burst into flames. If a sounder/herd tries to build a bastion in the middle of a huge crimson forest, the forest will probably be gone before the herd even gets halfway done. The solution? Use warped forests to lock in paths for the crimson to follow, so it doesnt stray too far from the bastion. Like so

(Excuse the poor quality but you get the gist)

This is usually done by finding a decent sized warped biome, (especially one thats already somewhat circular!) And planting a bastion smack dab in the middle of it, clearing out the area around the bastion (wouldn't want piglets to run around and get sick) and another area for the crimson to spread, and boom! It may take a long time to get the whole thing up and running, but due to the nature of crimson spreading and decaying quickly, its not as hard as it might seem (hardest part is getting wildlife that isnt plants, as many species avoid the warped biome surrounding it) it can be done the other way around (ie taking an existing bastion and planting warped forest around it) but it is far more time consuming, and sometimes every tree would have to be planted by hand. It does give a more specific shape, but most groups find it to not be worth the effort.

If anyone has any ideas for me to expand upon, send me an ask! Id love to talk more about piglins (same goes for any of my fics!)

[systems-overloaded]

ill make a seperate post with the non-professional advice i give anyone with mental illness (active or history of) that is seeing a physical medical doctor. because this post ended up pretty long.

~

this is about some of our experiences of mental health issue affecting physical health care. as well as our physical health conditions affecting/interacting with our mental health conditions.

--

forewarning, it is a very long read. i tried to condense it, but i struggle to do that.

--

ooph, this shit is so true. although i do think there's a good amount of truth in neurosciences, i just think there are alot of /neurologists/ specifically that are shams, or at least extremely biased and prejudiced about alot of things. neurologists also seem to have the biggest ego of all specialists drs ive seen.

~

i have a couple genetic disorders, which like i have the clinical profiles for and also have genetic tests that match. but only after alot of years of progressively getting worse and going to so many doctors to try to find out why. i actually had to do a bunch of research when i could, even analysed my raw dna data from an ancestry test, found a specialist in the suspected disorders, and got a very clear clincal diagnosis, then got official WGS testing to further confirm that.

so my self-diagnosis was right for a good couple of my disorders actually, but most were diagnosed by others after the other diagnoses were confirmed.

(like evidence of one phsyical disorder made other drs start to take my other symptoms seriously thankfully, bc now it was less likely to be mental illness/conversion symptoms in their eyes.)

but one of the /very first diagnosis/ that a neurologist tried to give me was Functional Neurological Disorder (which i do think is understood to be a bit different now than conversion syndrome, but to most drs it meant the same thing back then. even now, alot of doctors use FND and conversion disorder interchangeably, they think FND is just conversion disorder but "rebranded" so there's less pushback about a diagnosis, which isnt true.)

but FND is a diagnosis of exclusion. thank fuck my moms knowledgeable about stuff and said "no, you cannot diagnose my child that from one conversation and zero tests except routine labs, thats only by exclusion. you have done no tests to investigate their symptoms." so it never was an offical dx, but it was in the doctors notes still, which follow me to other doctors unfortunately.

it should never be the first thing a neurologist diagnoses or suggests to someone. he probably tried to for me because i was on medicine for anxiety depression and OCD, and was having alot of neurological symptoms.

(he also tried to say all my decline, daily headaches and constant migraines id developed after a TBI was just "post concussion syndrome" and "stress", but it was still going on 4+ years at that point. we had no idea PCS is not supposed to last that long, and trusted him about that at least. but when i had to switch drs, my new neurologist was actually /appalled/ the previous one didnt do further tests, or even get an updated MRI. he honestly seemed in disbelief that the old dr was trying to tell us it was "totally normal" to still be so affected after so long, let alone be having a decline as well.)

id literally had to stop my OCD meds very abruptly and have awful withdraws because he (the old negligent neurolgist) refused to do any further testing until i stopped that medicine (without consulting a psychiatrist even, he just said i had to stop it. such such dangerous and reckless doctor advice/order).

i was progressively declining and having alot of seizures and different dangerous medical events. so i stopped it and suffered bad withdraws ontop of everything else that was happening, went back to him, just for him to say it mustve been stress still, i was "stressed".

-

"its stress" is a dr code phrase for "i dont have any idea whats happening with this patient but my ego will never let me admit that, so im going to blame the patient and say its all anxiety".

alot of drs wont admit if they dont know something. but all of my good drs, who have actually been investigating things and gotten to the bottom of a couple of my disorders, have admitted that because im a complex case, they dont know which issues are being caused by what.

they do tests to rule out or confirm major issues and then we try meds/treatments for various things to see if they help to try and find origins. and sometimes we just wont know what a symptom is from, but the goal is to find ways to improve my quality of life and capabilities, while doing frequent testing to keep an eye on the issue. like, all my best drs put their egos aside and say "lets investigate together".

i have been failed in alot of ways by the medical systems and doctors, but i have also had good drs and recieved alot of help as well.

--

but alot of that good help, only came after advocating and fighting like hell for my symptoms to be investigated properly. after doing a fuck-ton of research myself because the system was failing me and i was dying (literally), then finding a specialist in what i suspected was my main issue. they investigated and tested for it properly, then gave me a clincial diagnosis, then "proof" of the disorder via genetic testing later on.

--

im actually lucky in the sense that i actually have some known variants. because a couple of my genetic disorders dont always have known variants found yet, and despite myself having a very clear clincal profile, some doctors didnt even want to "accept" the diagnosis i was given, until they saw a clear genetic marker. even though i was diagnosed already, it was always "patient suspects ____ disorder, still awaiting WGS test to confirm.", "patient has concerns of ___ disorder, no genetic testing done yet.", "patients claims was diagnosed with ____, but no genetic testing done."

if my doctors hadnt been refusing to treat me for my other disorders, "until genetic tests come back", then i wouldnt have tried to get testing, because alot of drs who specialize in this disorder advocate for patients to NOT get testing, because even if someone has a clear clinical diagnosis and treatments are helping, if genetic results come back negative some doctors will take away the clinical diagnosis, stop treatments, and slap a conversion/FND label on them. then the patient doesnt improve because they dont have that, they have a genetic disorder with an un-found variant.

like, im talking about a disorder that the vast majority of people who have it, DO NOT have an identified variant, and it has clear clinical diagnostic requirements, which i fit. its not a diagnosis of exclusion, i fit the clinical tests and profiles, but so many doctors wouldnt accept my diagnosis unless i had a genetic test showing positive.

--

from the time of clinical diagnosis to actually getting testing was a little over 4 years, and my other doctors were all still treating my very real, very clear clincal diagnosis as if i was just suspecting it. so everything, all treatments except for PT (which always made me worse, which is a known thing with my disorder) and some of the meds i was already on, was being delayed and put into limbo, of "lets wait for the genetic test first", even things unrelated to that diagnosis.

everyone said i needed WGS before anything else, but insurance wouldnt cover it, even with appeals, and fighting for so many years for it. so i had to try and save for it myself which is crazy hard when you're disabled with no income. while saving up, we were still trying to get insurance to cover it.

--

so in this circumstance, thank fuck i actually had some known variants! because if i hadnt? i honestly would be dead. and i firmly believe that would be due to medical negligence and malpractice. which i also firmly believe was rooted in mental illness stigma, and stigma/bias due to the fact that an abuser was intefering with my health care (still is actually) by calling doctors offices and telling them that i have munchausens and/or by proxy.

(which i consider this to still be a mental health stigma/bias issue, not a genuine concern, bc alot of the tests and diagnoses i had are not something that someone can fake??? so seeing those shouldve made drs not take my abuser's words seriously, had they not been so biased about it, had it not clouded their judgment so much.)

-------------------

also, on the topic of phsyical abilities affecting mental health:

ooph i also have alot to say about that, in particular how my disabilities affect my OCD, and sometimes needing other people to engage in my compulsions for me, which sounds really weird when i word it like that.

and often i cant engage in some compulsions, or others cant get things "just right" for me, thats a major theme/pattern for my OCD. so ive basically been getting exposure therapy more and more as my physical abilities declined. and its awful awful for both me and my caregivers/helpers when im trying to convey while very stressed the exact way they need to place something or do something, etc. and when im overhwlemed or dysregulated (like how OCD can cause) then im very prone to meltdowns and to speech loss episodes as well, which then interferes with being able to communicate what i need in that moment too.

~

and needing help requires so much vulnerability, often i have people willing to help. safe people, who i love and the logical part of me knows would never actually hurt me. but with traumas and triggers, sometimes i just dont shower, or dont change my clothes, or i hold my urine in, or dont do some other things if i require help.

(and having experiences that match a PDA autism profile, whether from trauma or autism or a mix of both idk. can make all that worse too. i deny my own needs, even when i can do them, because my body is trying to demand it from me, which feels like a threat to my autonomy and choices.)

on the phsyical capabilities level though, i try to wait it out as long as i can until i can muster the energy and abilities to do something myself, or until i cant wait longer and need help. ill try to orient myself to remind i am safe, and sometimes just have to face those emotions, face those triggers.

i know that sounds bad, and i mean it is bad. i dont want to downplay it too much, but i also think its a fairly normal response to the things have have happened to me, and the loss of control my illnesses cause/create/exacerbate.

i have all the supports in place to be able to recieve that help, im often needing that help, but i need to try to hold onto control and autonomy as much as possible that id rather be lacking in my hygeine (especially bc im not even leaving the house or being very active to get sweaty or gross), or have abdominal pain from holding urine/bowel movements in, than traumatize myself if i might just be able to wait a longer until i have the ability to transfer myself and clean myself.

-

my mental illnesses and PTSD affect my willingness to recieve the help from safe and well meaning people even when i do need it. and that then further can affect my mental and/or phsyical health.

like, its just a really shitty situation, that im still trying to learn the best way to cope with. trying to find the best way to let myself recieve help. to let myself to vulnerable, to truly /feel/ that its safe to ask for help even. not logically know, but actually feel it.

thankfully, my main caregiver is respectful of my "no's", and even if shell emphasize if i need to shower, check ive ate or drank water, and offer me help if i need it, she respects when i say "i need help but i dont want it, ill let you know when it gets to the point you need to be hands-on."

shes well meaning, but we still have some communication issues, especially when i have alot more speech issues, and can struggle to communicate to her.

i often think others can read my mind, not in the delusion way, but in the sense that i assume others can read my body lanaguge (even when im not being physically expressive, flat face, etc), and that the way i feel and the things i need are just already understood by others.

and i dont always realize how different some of my thinking patterns/needs are from others as well, and assume they experience some of the same things, so they are just automatically understand.

-

and ive had multiple instances now, when i was having anaphalaxis, but have traumas around needles i cant control (and auto injectors count as a needle i cant control). ive had to wait until i was too incapacitated from an allergic reaction, to have my mom inject me with an epipen.

i am mentally incapable of injecting an auto injector, and will physically resist when capable too even if i want the epinephrine. i can get really severe flashbacks just /thinking/ about needles being inside me. i cannot get the body to do it.

so, i have given prior consents for her to be able to inject me with an epipen if im having really bad reactions even if i say no. but she has had to wait until im too weak or sick, or just dissociated and disconnected and in fawn/flop/freeze rather than fight/flight, to inject me.

so its at least not too bad of a trauma, but it is still extremely traumatic. to need that, and to need someone i love and feel safe with, need to be the person that injects that needle i cant control.

---

well, this was a very long responses. seems when i do post, i write alot. i can struggle to condense and summarize things well, so i apologize if there was too many details or words.

just writing to the void of the internet, a world of strangers and bots. so if feels like i can be more open i think.

i cant speak for everyone but i feel like it's underrated just how much impact being physically disabled has on mental health. because physically disabled people often have to remind others that we struggle with mental health issues that it sometimes sounds like an afterthought to others. but it's a real impact of being physically disabled. being unable to go outside or leave the bed worsens depression. having actively declining health worsens depression because part of depression is being unable to imagine a future for yourself. it also creates anxiety. you have to rely on people. on carers, family, the government. it's hard to assure anxiety when you are in a precarious position and the "worst case scenario" is not something you can circumvent or deal with, because lack of care will kill you. has killed people like you. being told you are worthless, that people like you should die or never live in the first place has a big impact on mental health. being physically disabled and unable to defend yourself, being forced to rely on people, opens up a lot of opportunities for abuse and trauma. being in pain is traumatic, medical procedures may be traumatic - and being a disabled child leads you to be doubly vulnerable. people often have to focus on their physical needs to keep them alive - to keep them clean and fed and such. and with such little energy to spare it is difficult to manage mental health. all the stigma surrounding mental health doesn't disappear because you're already disabled. sometimes when you do reach out people will just focus on trying to make you less disabled in order to cure the mental illness issue, instead of giving you the tools to help manage it in your current and real life.

[tempoaryblogformightyjensblog]

After a Longass time, I'm gonna make a response post to a post from @itsclydebitches. Not sure if I'll acknowledge All

Of it, but still..

1.Thats, the opposite of what the First episode shows, the first episode shows that the Military presence in Mantle dosent really do anything to actually help them with the Grimm. With it even being joked about as usual for the Military by Nora. The next episode also states that wasn't even the reason James had for it. It was to handle the 'eventual' Panick.

2.This and the recurring point of this later on is something I kinda want to address, because it's sort of what I was trying to say in My ask but I should go into more detail.

The point is basically that If James was shady for what he did, then So is Ruby for being willing to work with him for that long...I kinda want to mix this with a different Criticism I heard. That Ruby not trusting Ironwood was horrible and ungrateful because of all the good stuff James had done and how sympathetic and well meaning he was. The issue is that they are both 2 halves of the picture that ignore the other half, wich was what the heroes actual response was.

Him being sympathetic, clearly just trying to help and all the Good stuff he was doing is why they are willing to work with him and help with things. But Ruby didn't like his shadier actions either, wich is why she didn't trust him completely. And also? ""Nora dosent agree...But Ruby, the leader, does. She pushed Ironwood to finish Amity somwhow", that....isnt What happens, we see After Nora yells at James, ruby walks up to him and tells him more calmly that his actions, his management of Mantle and such were only helping Salem and it's what was making it easy for Salem to frame him. And earlier on we saw her with the other protags suggest working with Robyn. That's not 'Reaping the benefits of his actions even if they don't like them', that's not liking some of his actions but still trying to Understand him, and hope to reason or talk him down. Basically...Well it's a display that the other charachterization for Ruby, that she was a judgmental child who considered anyone who went beyond her standard of perfection to be Evil, isn't true. She tries to help and Understand James because she knows despite his flaws he is trying to do good, she tries to reach out to him and get him to see his actions were flawed.

Hell, the Jobs they were actually given were jobs where they could actually help soften the consequences of James actions, like Ren and Nora guarding the wall. the Robyn thing was a direct display that they weren't just doing anything James asked or were perfectly fine with his morally ambiguous actions. When ordered to attack a Huntress who was just trying to help, they instead went against his orders and even tried to actually fix things in a better way.

3.This is a few different issues, I'll start by saying that, that wasn't Ozpins problem in the Previous Volume, Some fans and some of the Heroes in there Angrier times think that, But the big thing was basically that Ozpin wasn't trusting anyone With that Info, that's what separates it from Rubies situation with James, Ruby wasn't trusting James because he actually did have many traits that made him look untrustworthy. And...well Finishing Amity and the plan is not pointless even with Salems immorality. Ruby dosent 'Know' That her being immortal means that the whole plan is pointless for 2 reasons, 1 is that she never had the mindset that it made it all pointless, she was actually distinctly against that when the others thought that under the Apathies influence, and makes her stance clear later, that Salem being Unkillable doesn't mean she's unstoppable. And 2, she dosent 'Know' that because....Its not true. Even if they can't directly kill her like James is planning...Were explicitly, directly told in Salems first actual appearance in the show that Humanity United was a threat and that was why she was going to ensure she divided them. Not to mention that...It isn't even all about the plan? It's made clear that global communications being down was a really bad thing and fixing that alone would help.

4.Im just gonna address one point here...It was not 'The Majority of Mantle' Being taken, were told that they were not even close to being done evacuating.

5.Basically what I said at 2, But to also state, James wasn't an Unambiguous Bad guy in Volume 7, He was in the Wrong In Volume 7, but he wasn't meant to be a Villain yet. The point of James charachter is basically he's someone who meant well but was highly flawed and made bad decisions, and instead of growing from his mistakes, he doubled down on them and let his flaws consume him. I'll get to it more later, but, that doesn't mean he was always evil or meant to be, Also...Jaunes license was given to him by James but, he was not part of the Military being fused with Huntsman, especially by this point. And with Winters words in her and James fight, I have my own issues with that fight or Winters Arc, but I don't think that point holds up either because we weren't meant to see Winter as unambiguously a good guy in Volume 7. Her words in there fight was after she had changed, that dosent mean we're supposed to believe she was a hero while working under James. It just means her POV changed after leaving him, now she wasn't following her programming of being blindly obedient anymore. Penny called out Winter for her being willing to follow through with euthanizing the Winter Maiden, Marrow calls her out in Volume 8 asking the Weiss question.

6.Well, to answer the questions there, were told in episode 5 what the recources were. Clover says how they were taking 'Construction resources', were told this again by Penny in the Car ride, wich makes total sense. They are changing Amity so that it could serve as a shuttle, so needing Construction stuff makes sense. While we may not be told how much power James had explicitly, they do give us a decent idea, that he had way more then he should. It's said in the Council meeting that they set in Checks and balances to keep him from overstepping with his seats, and that he basically just Ignored them to pull the actions he did in Volume 7. And Watts gives us both one Major decision that shows James flaws and gives a Clue as to part of the reasons Mantle was crappy as it was, saying how James updated most of the code in Atlas after the fall of Beacon, but 'As Usual' None was updated in Mantle. Aside from showing a...Truly Spectacularly callous move on James part, it also gives a big clue as to part of the reason Mantle is as crappy as it is, That Atlas and James basically treat Mantle like an afterthought and neglects changing things there to make things better, resulting in the City's state that we see. And, I imagine that being surveillanced and patrolled almost constantly wouldn't be ideal, and it's established by Winters line in that first episode that not cooperating with Personal was a punishable offense. I think you also....Picked a really bad example with Rhodes, if anything, Rhodes is probably a perfect demonstration of why being complacent or loyal to a system is bad for Huntsmen. I think if he would have loved to help Cinder more, it's just that he was loyal to the System and wasn't doing anything to upset the status quo despite knowing it was wrong. If issues like that existed, then it makes James specialist program, wich is specifically supposed to be Huntsmen trained to be loyal to the system, an even worse idea. Also I sort of feel like the bits at the end are sort of a false equivalency. I explained Ozpin amd Rhodes but also...Well for one, while we don't see portals line up in those specific areas, the plan was to have Jaune explain what was going on with everyone. And Qrow, Marrow and Robyn were still taking in the other Ace ops,they knew the plan so they would likely just head over to the nearest portal after, and...Maria and Pietro weren't there. And in James case, it wasn't just him 'saving who he could', it's that he could have tried to do more but didn't because he didn't want to risk it, and as Volume 8 showed, they really did have lots of time to evacuate people and could have found a way to Launch Amity. And...Well in his case there's the little fact that, as his Convo with Oscar makes explicit, James plan involved leaving the rest of Mankind To the dust and at Salems mercy.

There are problems with RWBY, but I don't think it's shoddily written, partially because I don't really find it 'particularly' flawed and think the good far outweighs the bad. And you know what? To some degree, I agree. I do think there's a weird bias towards authority in the FNDM, but maybe alot of fans are too dismissive of criticism, I do think to some degree we should acknowledge the RWDE and such aren't all right wingers and there's now a Vocal part of it that are on the left or members of minority groups. I don't agree with a ton of the things they say, and think most of it dosent hold up, but instead of just dismissing, perhaps it's better to look at things in detail and give proper arguments agaisnt them. So I won't treat you like an idiot, I'm going to give a full rundown on why I don't feel like it holds up under analytical scrutiny.

For one, while it doesn't have those specific issues like in the real world, I don't agree with this Criticism because I feel it is the one that sort of ignores the worldbuilding and what's been shown or said about the Military and the world itself and not the show, It sort of feels like people just bring up the basic concepts that would seem reasonable and ignore how the show executes certain things. For one, the military was a leftover from a time when they were meant to fight against other humans, It was something an Authoritarian state held over after its defeat and reformation, James and the Military helped Jac as he turned the SDC into the horrific corporate empire it is, Covordin shows that Nationalism is indeed a bit thing and that there were high ranking officers who were fully comfortable with the possiblity of just waging war on the other Kingdoms again. And then there's the specialist program, I've seen people sort of distill it to its very basics to make it seem more reasonable, describing it as just stuff like Huntsmen having rules and such, when the show displays it being way more screwed up then that. It literally involves indoctrinating people as students, were shown Elm reprimand the protagonists saying how they don't need to think about Orders just follow them. As both Volumes show, the culture of the program is deeply screwed up and unhealthy for them, were shown how they taught stuff like repressing your emotions and how deeply unhealthy it is for them.

And...Furthermore? If we're judging by how things are In Universe with the show the world built...James way of doing things is, completely absurd. I already dislike Cynical 'This is the REAL world 'Types IRL. But....In the world James is in, his strategy is just....

He lives in a world where negativity causes monster attacks and the villains whole Shtick is manipulating narratives to cause disarray and ensuring people stay divided. James strategy involved closing off Atlas from the rest of Remnant after they were framed for causing the Fall of Beacon, never bothering to clear there name when sleet and Camilla say he could easily do so, he dismisses both his image across the Globe and in Atlas, and dismisses what the people of Mantle want and the stuff his actions currently cause, all as Neccesary sacrifices when that's all completely insane and Relies on basically ignoring absolutely everything about the situation they are in and how there enemy works, wich again, Ruby points out, that he was actively playing into Salems hands and making it easier for her.

I think it's a decent display of the Tunnel Vision James has, he's prepared for the negativity of the END result of his plan and made preparations for it, but he...Basically ignores the consequences his actions are having right now and how that will affect his ends.

Overall...I think the issue is that James is not meant to be the Bad guy through Volume 7, and I feel like its not that the show 'contradicts' it's pure black and white take on things, it's just that it wasn't there to begin with. Whenever a Major flaw Ironwood had from the start is brought up, it's claimed that it means he was supposed to be 'Always evil'(admitedly some fans as well), when it dosent, it just means his flaws and darker aspects were always there and he didn't jump off the slippery slope instantly like some claim.

Were meant to sympathize with James, understand him, ECT. We're meant to want to see him get better, to be escatic when he does almost get better.

Overall, I don't agree with the idea that James was a reasonable charachter who was bastardized, the show set him up as flawed pretty well already, he's sympathetic because he's designed to be sympathetic. He's not potrayed as a Villain through 7 because he wasn't meant to be til the end.

Also...Well, even if you still felt that him 'Just' abandoning Mantle was still just morally gray...That isn't dropped in V8, it's bascially dropped not 2 episodes later. Where not only does he shoot Oscar but Oscar pointed out not only was he abandoning Mantle, but abandoning the rest of Mankind. Wich James just responds calling it an 'excellant philosophical point'.

[clownkiwi]

my long, long words about nuance that i doubt anyone will read (because wow this is long)

now that ive taken adderall and finally know the words i wanna say (like. ya know when ya wanna know what to say, but u dont know the words to say it with???), i guess i should make this clear. whenever i talk about a creator i don't like, my intention is to never "cancel" them, in the case that everybody thinks cancel culture works.

if anything, i truly dont think cancel culture is real. the names dumb and doesnt capture the nuance of what it really is: "holding people in powerful, high-ranking positions accountable for their abusive actions against others"

like, i truly feel like social media wasnt really designed for nuance like you'd hope it is. you could reblog a post with misinfo and believe its real because "it came with a source" but you never do the research for it, nobody ever wants to hold conversations. social media has come to a point where we just share memes, and thats what i use it for. there really hasnt been room for proper, nuanced discussions about drama that happens online

like, ok, an obvious example that i dont really like talking about: the unfuckable blog. while i was on the high of hearing the initial news and later news, i really didnt think that much about it other than it was hilarious and "just like sonic for real justice"/"sonic for real justice 2". i even posted a sarcastic/joking post about enjoying the drama from the sidelines as it wont affect me personally because im not a part of it.

but, taking a step back, getting off that high and thinking about it, it really isnt nuanced to say its like sonic for real justice because of the tumblr-specific drama that arose from it. if anything, its kinda more like the shitshow that was channel awesome in 2018- and that doesnt make this whole situation better.

with that said, "mod rhys is like doug walker" is not a nuanced take thats open for a healthy discussion. but there are some similarities i've noticed. the mods have left one by one, kinda like how the ccs from channel awesome all left one by one. there were only one person left at the end- in channel awesomes case, larry bundy jr, but only so he could keep the title "the winner of the channel awesome hunger games" (i dont remember if he left yet or is still there???). mod ruby, mainly bc she was petty and her host wasnt able to leave yet. and the fact that these were both real and not staged, not unlike s4rj, which as we all know, was staged.

and to let it be known, heres what i think about unfuckable at the end of the day. not every mod was horrible. mod rhys was a pretty bad leader at all this, leaving tantrums whenever anybody called them out and not responding appropriately enough to any drama, leading to a toxic workplace in the blog. all the other mods hate mod rhys now, i doubt they'll ever wanna confront mod rhys again after this. but mod ruby aint an angel either, as she prolonged getting the blog taken down and didnt help make the whole case better. and then, theres mod ted. which is another case to open up, but i wont go into now. with that said, i dont think anybody that has worked for unfuckable in the past are horrible besides the very specific examples i gave.

and, like i said, i never wanted to cancel the blog as a whole or anyone really. at most, i just want people to know information that are in callout posts and warn people about said specific person on platforms with a huge following. thats it, i never want to be that person thats just waiting for someone i dont even care about to get "cancelled" because i really dont have the creative energy to get all that excited for it. and yes, im making this a general statement because this can be applied for a lot of things im sure people thought i would "cancel", but like i said. i dont think cancel culture truly exists

like, god, if i reached 2k-5k followers, im sure there wouldve been people looking through my eight year archive trying to cancel me for something i did at a young age. like, "ooooo ruby said a slur on a scratch account when she was 10 & didnt know any better" or "ruby had bad takes about trans people at 16". like, i was younger then, i really didnt know any better

but also, im not perfect. im human, im capable of making mistakes, i think we all are. and the first step to fixing mistakes is realizing youve made them. and yes, even during the specific unfuckable debacle, i did not respond appropriately. i thought it was funny because i wasnt apart of it, i joined a server full of people who wanted to talk about it. and like, yea, thats not good, and that doesnt really help my case. and if i'll be honest, i doubt i'll get any responses to this because its very long already and i doubt anyone truly wants to have nuanced discussions on here, and i dont blame them

theres a reason why politics are banned in my streams, and its because. those arent fun or entertaining or enrichening conversations to have while i play a video game. same thing can apply to tumblr drama that shouldve really stayed private and not displayed out into the public, and just discussions about them in general on blog. i doubt people follow me for my takes on internet spaces, amd tbf, id rather not be remembered for making large text posts about internet drama from my phone. these are just ramblings coming from someone who wanted to put it into proper words in a post so nobody would get the wrong idea from me

i doubt i'll write anymore posts like this, but when i do, well, there ya go??? idk, idk what else to say, i'll just post it here and see it get buried under my reblogs of funny memes

[gryphsdeadbones]

hey from one nd person to another the comic where fm gordon says a slur seems kind of in poor taste. ik ur not intentionally making light of it and tht occurring in fm should be criticized but while you dont make it out to be a good thing making jokes about it and calling him a "slurboy" is kind of questionable? it makes it seem more like a plotpoint and angst rather than the creator of fm genuinely fucking up in the past (and having moved on from it)! i think exploring fm coming to terms with being nd is a good idea but this isnt the best way to do it. if you want me to explain my point more lmk if/when u post this and i will! someone already made a post abt it but it was kinda strongly worded and i wanted to approach you more calmly because i genuinely dont want to call you out or start drama or anything ;-;

first off thank you for being civil and patient with me i appreciate this ask a lot- also this got long- im not in a flying rage or anything when i bold or emphasis text, i just needed it also for my own readability and since im not the best at wording- hopefully this hellsite works and my response is under the cut

i would like to know how is it in poor taste when freemind explicitly gets clocked at the very end for saying it. the entire point of the comic was to show that saying the r slur has existed in his source and is bad

im not sure how much more direct i can get, with the disclaimer/warning list growing longer and longer and out there for a huge sign that says “this au can get dark as fuck and these subject matters are treated seriously/not something to mess around with.” Like yes, there are some jokes in the asks and other comics, but that specific comic is not supposed to be “haha thats funny”. it has a serious tone using a rough sketch style bc i was super tired and wanted to vent

was it just the direct reference to it that just made people uncomfortable? because thats 100% understandable, and i made sure i tagged it appropriately (although admittedly, a little bit late since i thought the filter would catch at least the main thing)

i think what some people somehow got from it is “exploring sensitive content = endorsing said content” which! that is not the intent! i absolutely do not want people saying that word! I don’t want people thinking that is any way okay for this character to say

its more of a damned if i do address it, damned if i dont.

if it never comes up, people are gonna assume that ‘oh this character says slurs and is shit, surely the creator or fan-creator MUST be okay with it and woobifies freemind and absolves him of any mistakes’ or something like that. no. this asshole has an arc and i want to do it right. its serious and i think it shouldn’t be shoved under the rug

and people just. dont want to read for context for whatever reason. theyll start watching it and get taken aback by the slur and start blaming me ‘hey you never warned for this’ when very early on i keep mentioning over and over ‘you dont have to watch it if you dont want to! This has slurs and 2000s internet brand humor/style’ You really dont, I’m not forcing you to watch it- Literally all you need to know is either canon half life or hl/vrai. thats it. fm mostly follows hl1 with very slight changes.

so i had to make something that:

1. warns people who arent aware and dont want to go through my asks or about/warning pages (for whatever reason) and just want to see the art

2. also NOT downplay freemind’s canon assholery. listen, i kinda despise writing mean and cruel characters, theyre hard to do, and a lot of people get shit for doing it wrong or people going “character = author”

i’ve also considered leaving the bubbles blank, but then people could fill it with whatever they want, then blame me for being vague. or they’d fill it in with a different kind of slur that freemind has never used, even if he MIGHT be the type to do that. I needed to explicitly mention that it is ableist slur. There are shitty racist and other problematic jokes, but never those kinds of extreme racial slurs to my knowledge.

Although I do see your point that maybe joking about it outside of the serious stuff might not be the best route. The slurboy jokes are getting stale, and I will try a better way to remind people.

The thing that gets to me is that it feels people are more than ready to defend either Ross Scott or Gordon Freeman the fictonal character himself. I don’t??? really care for Ross Scott, so I don’t know if he’s ever brought it up specifically. I’m not really calling him out or cancelling him. Idc for some white man’s feelings, im only bringing the timeframe of That era and reworking it to fit in This current era.

And I hate to break it to people: Gordon Freeman is a blank slate character, you can project whatever the hell you want on him as long as it’s not freakshit illegal garbage. The machinimas (fm, hl/vrai) do have SOME characterization that I want to nail down. It fucking sucks when characters are ooc, and I’m trying not to do that, even if it means sacrificing some comfort. But still mostly staying in my comfort zone if that makes sense

Now about the callout that I do not want to engage with the op directly:

Honestly im very surprised the comic was called out when i just. thought my stuff is relatively tame on exploring the bad shit canon freemind does. ive seen him in fancontent where they really dont hold back and its still played off as ‘kinda funny’ tone.

I really don’t know if people just want any reason to hate me for whatever reason. That’s fine I guess, I can’t please everyone and they dont have to like me.

But like. isn’t it so much easier for the op of that to block me and the post and move on. Why kick up such a fuss. I can see that thinly veiled death threat of a vague. That’s pretty fucked up- Like holy fucking god, you do not have to like my stuff. I’m not holding you at knifepoint to like my stuff. I’ve specifically made two different tags (one general au, one specific au) if anyone wants to blacklist it for their own reasons I do not need to know. I don’t want to know.

You’re allowed to be uncomfortable. You’re allowed to unfollow/blacklist/block.

However you just don’t go ranting about it for something you horribly misinterpreted. If it bothers you so badly, literally just. drop me a message to clarify. thats it. or save yourself the time and block me.

I’ve blocked the op for both our sakes, but if anyone wants to send this post to them, then thats fine. I don’t want anything to do with them.

I don’t want to link the post and blow it up. I just want shit clarified, dropped and we can move the fuck on with our lives. 

If you’re reading this and don’t know what the post is, please don’t bother. I do not want people going after the op with threats, please keep it civil, I’d prefer if you don’t engage with the post at all on my behalf.

Despite this huge wall of text, I do not want this to be a big deal, so please don’t ask me about the details.

_

As for anon, feel free to dm me either on here or. Maybe on discord if you’d still like to suggest or have something more cleared up. I’m still willing to hear any kind of feedback, and i want to thank you again for being reasonable about this