#but this shit sucks to deal with and it shouldn't be encouraged

[misterxsamsa]

I'm so fucking sick of being treated like shit by a community I joined explicitly to try and find comfort in something I enjoy. I'm so incredibly tired of feeling constantly anxious and paranoid, having people treat me fucking terribly, and then having to keep silent about it to avoid public conflict, or to not be associated with it forever, or to not be harrassed by people with much bigger followings than myself, or to not have it used as further ammo to send more shit my way. If you were around for the original mister-samsa, you might know exactly what I'm alluding to, but trust me, you don't know the depth of it, things got really fucking bad. I'm not going to act like people being catty and aggresive with me is on par with the worst I've experienced through Tumblr, but things get hard sometimes. I just want everybody to remember that there are people behind the screen here on this hellsite, and in this fandom about 75% of the people you'll be interacting with are probably severely mentally ill, so if you ever have a problem with anybody, just be normal. Send them an anon, a message, literally anything, engage in grounded conversation because nothing on Tumblr's that serious. [There's context under the cut, if you're interested.]

I basically reblogged someone's Jimmy post with some silly ramblings that got pretty disconnected from their original post, just because I felt inspired. It's 99% unchanged on my blog still, so you'll be able to see what I'm talking about. They got super fucking aggro in the replies, saying that I was twisting their words, and needed to delete the reply or people were going to think that my headcanons were shared by them, or represented the interpretations talked about in the original post, when their post was very different. It was weird? I don't think they realized that reblogs don't show up next to their original posts, and are shoved into the notes, but they didn't back down when multiple people pointed this out? Also, our posts were so differently legit nobody would think that. I was apologetic and nice at first, since I followed this person and genuinely did like the post. Hell, I even added a little edit to the original post stating that my words might not nessecarily reflect their views on Jimmy. However, I got pretty fed up the longer things dragged out. They wanted me to delete my reblog and put it into an original post, but I didn't want to reward the rude badgering after all that, and there's so many images it would've been a pain in the ass. When I wouldn't give in, they called their bigshot artist friend to tell me, and I quote, to take "pity" on them because of their mental health, after they spend MULTIPLE HOURS making me paranoid and stressed as fuck, like, yeah, okay. Dude, and everytime I'd be like: "Hey, i'm not doing this, there's nothing else for us to talk about, and it's not that serious" they'd accuse me of dragging things out just because I didn't want to do what this random guy, who was rude, was trying to pressure me into doing by stressing me the fuck out. Honestly, part of why I didn't want to just delete it, outside of principle, was because I wanted there to be proof of this guy's assholery in-case of anything, right? You can never be too carefui. That worry got multipled tenfold when their artist friend got involved, who I know for a fact all of you probably follow, and that's when I really truly started tweaking out. I mean, like, freaking out, getting stressed and anxious. Even as I got annoyed with this guy, I never crossed into being aggressive, maybe towards the artist, but not OP. When I pointed out my own mental health, and the fact that this guy was the instigator of the situation, not me, they basically just didn't aknowledge it, and continued to insist OP was the victim while provoking me again, and again, and again. My god, and then OP started guilt-tripping in the replies and talking about how he was a horrible person, like, it got embarassing and I'm just so tired. Dude, for all I know those guys are in every JTHM server blabbing about this nothingburger situation, and it's my word against theirs since I'm the schizophrenic, and the artist is extremely well-liked, and then OP deleted the post to try and scrub the replies [alongside everybody clowning on them, it got to 50-something notes]. I'm going to continue tweaking the fuck out unless I just say something, anything, even if nobody cares and nothing comes of it. It's not even like they got that artist friend involved because they became too distressed to reply, they continued to do so. If I didn't know any better I'd say it was an intimidation tactic, but I'm a paranoid schizo, so that that tinfoil hat anecdote with some salt. I'm just really not doing well right now, and this is just the cherry on top of it, I guess. There's nothing I can do except continue to be stressed about it, and maybe type here for catharsis.

[specialagentartemis]

knocks on your door on october 30th (sending this early because if i wait until tomorrow i will forget lol)

TRICK OR TREAT!!

i will accept any tricks or treats you have but if i get to pick a specific candy out of the bowl i would love to hear more about your anthropology fic OCs 👀

YEAH

So. Early on in the story. Murderbot and Thiago get dragged along to... SECUNIT FIGHT NIGHT

(it feels a little cliche but also. who doesn't love SecUnit Fight Night)(Murderbot doesn't)(Thiago doesn't either and he makes a big deal about it and Murderbot has to haul him bodily away if he keeps going on about SecUnit Rights to the CobriReyna humans. It does not feel good about this but it feels even worse about causing a Confrontation and having to seriously talk about SecUnit Rights with a bunch of humans while pretending to be an augmented human security consultant. It sucks for everyone involved. Anyway)

The sport of choice used to be boxing between actual humans, but a while ago the mine administration banned boxing on company property which is in practice the entire moon. They're encouraging more wholesome sports instead with mixed results. However, what they actually replaced boxing nights with was SecUnit Fight Night. It's free entertainment, and in a situation where CobriReyna owns the feed satellites and the feed is throttled and downloads are expensive, no one's passing up free entertainment.

Tahmineh and Yeongsuk do not like SecUnit Fight Night. Tahmineh thinks it's insulting and tacky, a show of power by the mine administration of just how much power and violence they have control over--and could direct at the miners, if it came to that. She hates that people like SecUnit Fight Night. You shouldn't be cheering for this show of power by the company! (She's also skeptical of the reasoning for banning boxing. She was a pretty good boxer in the boxing rotation, she appreciated it as an Outlet and a competition--she likes winning--but she can hardly deny that people were getting bloody and hurt. Officially it was banned to prevent the increasing number of injuries workers were sustaining in the boxing matches, but Tahmineh thinks the admin was afraid of worker powerand wanted to reiterate that the mine admin has sole legitimate right to weild violence. Yeongsuk, who never loved the boxing either and was kinda worried for Tahmineh in the ring, thinks that Tahmineh is ascribing to the admin more fear of the workers than they actually have. They're both a little right.)

Yeongsuk dislikes SecUnit Fight Night because she finds it gross that violence is entertainment. She never really liked boxing much either but at least that was treated like a sport, where opponents played fair and treated each other in a sportsmanlike way. But SecUnit Fight Night doesn't need that, and it's just violence for the sake of seeing new and creative forms of violence. Also giving people something to bet money on, which it's not like any of them are rolling in. It's about control. Control through money and violence, and even if Yeongsuk is not yet at "SecUnits are people," her view is kind of that SecUnits are at least somewhat animals, and it's akin to dogfighting, and it's gross.

Clelia mostly thinks it's about betting tbh. Mine admin controlling the flow of money between workers and the bookies--CobriReyna overseen, of course--taking a cut. She's also just on a practical level worried what their worker co-op of their union dreams is gonna do with a bunch of violent trigger-happy traumatized bots used so often for fighting. Like those must make for shit security.

Berto has kinda been shamed by Tahmineh into thinking it's tacky, and it's not that he doesn't, but like. You can't just condemn 'em all for liking to watch it, Tahmi, don't you find it a little cathartic to watch the mine admin's weapons of oppression go after each other for a bit rather than bothering any of us?

Something they all agree is tacky and unnecessary is what the admin has hit on as a fun new opening event, where they send Limpy out to get torn apart.

Honestly a large chunk of the audience is like. Rooting for Limpy to finally win one one of these days, but at the same time, there's a large contingent that finds it funny when it eventually gives out. It rarely wins, and only if its opponent is given a novel handicap that means it can win in a way that doesn't require running or high maneuverability. But Berto's not wrong that it's cathartic to a lot of miners--many of whom have machinery injuries they didn't have the money to get healed right--see it taken out on a SecUnit who also wasn't healed right. (Its knee joint was crushed in a catastrophic mineshaft collapse and the part is proprietary enough that the cubicle's attempt to reconstruct it didn't work right, meaning its knee joint doesn't connect right and it walks with a distinctive lurching gait. If it tries to do too much too fast it sometimes does just collapse.)(Yes it hurts all the time. This is not really considered by anybody.)(The mine admin doesn't super care because they will be returning that one next contract cycle with a warranty complaint anyway.)

SecUnit Fight Night is horrible whump fun but something under-explored in fic imo is why humans like to watch it, and while you do get the SecUnit side of it - I think you probably know who Limpy is :''') - I was also interested in what the humans thought of it and why. Why it's a popular enough thing to be implemented.

Also yeah this means that sometimes SecUnit A gets sent to do the Limpy Beatdown against Sky and this is fun for nobody, except for me. (SecUnit hurt/comfort after the fight - trying to express "I didn't mean to hurt you, I wouldn't if I had the choice" "I know" without really being able to say it - is such angsty catnip to me. But also the way it turns SecUnits on each other, I will hurt you because the other option is to get hurt myself and if it's gonna be you or me I'm gonna make it you so it's not me. Something they will also have to like... figure out if they're going to make a union work.)

[damnfandomproblems]

https://www.tumblr.com/damnfandomproblems/755114071284662272/5203-honestly-as-a-skinny-person-the-whole-real?source=share

Fucking this.

I'm skinny now and I don't like drawing larger body types due to the fact that ive had to deal with being fat before. It sucked! That's just how it is! I hate what the fat positivity movement has done to people. Sure you shouldn't be ashamed of it, a lot of people grow up fat, i did, but you shouldn't encourage people to think it's okay to be obese. That its healthy or that you shouldn't care about your health. Theres so much i could say about this but ughhh. So i dont draw fat characters. I can draw curvy with big hips and breasts and maaybe a bit of belly pudge if requested but i cannot do obese. I refuse. And people get mad at me for being "fatphobic". No i just refuse to encourage a lifestyle that is actively harmful. I once had someone try to commission me on twitter to draw their two fat OCs and get mad at me when i refused because of it. I to this day don't know why they wanted to commission me specifically when i very clearly don't draw fat people. I had to private my account after they and their friends began harassing me but eventually I decided it just wasn't worth staying on twitter. It was for multiple reasons but they were a big one. Ive seen tons of artists get harassment and hate comments about never drawing one thing or the other. It sucks. I cant wait for the body positivity movement to get burned to the ground cuz its all run by people who dont actually give a shit about peoples health and just want to feel validated in the fact that they dont care they will die at 30-40.

Posting as a response to a previous ask.

[counting-eyerolls]

this is me being angry about people's reactions to creative decisions in media so rambling under the cut.

jjk 236 spoilers for those who did not see the tags.

i think it's genuinely concerning how some people consume media. it's your comfort piece of art and something that you adore with all your being and you write about it and post about it and talk about it but the second your favourite dies (said favourite happening to be one of the "hot" characters) boom it's shit and you shouldn't have read it and you come up with insults and slurs towards the creator.

in the past 1.5h i've been awake today i have seem so much hate towards an artist all because of a newly posted chapter and the way it progresses/ends.

yes this is about jjk and chapter 236. (spoilers ahead, last warning)

i feel like the point of any creative piece (writing, visual art, music etc) is to send a message and have the readers/watchers etc feel something because of your work. it's to send an emotion.

remember how we all felt when geto was dying? i sure do. he was and still is my favourite, dead and all. broke my heart -- it all did, not just his death but everything leading up to it (in terms of satosugu moments and symbolism for example). i didn't see this much hate though. maybe this is because by the time he died, he had already become one of the negative characters and people already had new favourites to focus on, heck if i know.

still.

i mean obviously, nobody likes the fact that your favourite character gets killed but it is about the vision of the author/artist etc. geto dying gave us so much symbolism and so many parallels and character development (for gojo, for example) etc without which he probably wouldn't have turned into the character everyone is obsessed with. it was part of a complex backstory and character development, it showed us how the specific character was dealing with problems which aren't that easy to deal with, it showed how the influence of those around him (or lack thereof) affected him and why he ended up choosing the path that he chose etc. yes, it was sad that he died, but it was part of a bigger story. still i think it's unbelievable to insult and criticize someone so much because of a choice they made with the character they created. i get that it sucks that your fav dies or suffers but try to appreciate the fact that no artist owes anyone anything and they are still creating and publishing and putting their art out for you to consume and sharing their creativity with you. would you have preferred that you never had said art piece at all?

imagine you come up with a story that's so awesome to you and you're proud of it but halfway through you start getting hate for it because you kill someone in the middle of it. when it was your story to begin with ?? so you are allowed to do whatever you like ?? literally no rules. but the people criticizing you don't know what you plan to do with this in the long run so they just, well, hate. this is what i cant accept, no matter the fandom or the characters, whether they're fictional or based on real people or stage personas etc. not agreeing with a creative decision (in fiction or otherwise) is perfectly acceptable. sending hate to the creator because you do not like it? unacceptable.

stop consuming it then. it's just as easy to stop as it is to pick up.

and it disgusts me that people who should know better are doing this. people who are fic writers themselves. maybe not directly sending hate to the creator but commenting and posting about it (using dare i say quite shitty wording as well). this is not only telling everyone that you share this opinion but encouraging others who feel the same to follow your example, even if you are not explicitly doing it. you are encouraging, for example, followers that are younger and do not know better (not because "when you're young you don't know anything", but because it is true that at a younger age you are not able to fully understand certain principles and thought processes and what is right or not) to do the same and who knows, said influenced people (whether old or young, doesn't matter) can then take the hate further to the creator. you are inactively telling people who do not know better that it is okay to do this. why? because to you it is "so serious ong" or because "you are disgusted" by this creative decision and so on. as a fic writer on tumblr you sometimes become somebody that readers and those who do not have the confidence to share their work look up to. and you normalize this behaviour because you are upset that the sexy white haired guy died when you liked to write fics about him. you normalize this behaviour and find it acceptable to do this (because if you didn't find it acceptable, would you be doing it in the first place?) just because you refuse to take a deep breath and look at things from another perspective.

in my opinion it also shows that you are unable to take a step back and see the bigger picture or appreciate said creative decision in relation to the whole creative work. how do you know that your favourite dying will not change the story in the best way possible? you do not know, because the story is still ongoing.

so you are basically consuming the media but not actually appreciating any of the work and thought that go into it. you don't see it as something that is trying to send a message. you don't see the work that gets put into it. more importantly, you don't think that maybe the point of the author/creator is to do more than just write hot characters. so you are not appreciating the thought process behind it but when you don't like something? you are way too quick to criticize and insult. i am not saying you should like or agree or enjoy everything that happens. but you also cannot choose to insult and slur your way out of something you don't particularly like, especially when it doesn't seem like you give praise and what is deserved when you do actually agree and like the creative decisions that have been taken. so if you cannot do the opposite (aka being positive about moments in the media you consume) why do you feel the need to be so vocal and negative about things you do not agree with. has it occured to you that maybe you don't understand the full creative thought process?

disagree with creative decisions, come up with actual thoughts on why you think it wasn't right to do so or why it shouldn't have been done in the first place, come up with arguments and reasons why you think it doesn't make sense or why it isn't realistic. analyze the characters and the actions that the creator is making them do. maybe it's out of character or maybe it's a plot hole. who knows. come up with an opinion and justify why it is so "disgusting" for you to experience said part of the work. you will never achieve anything with insults and slander just because you are unhappy.

i don't feel the need for people to validate what i am saying or agree with me. but if you do not agree with me at least try telling me why. this is the essence of what i am saying: you can have a different opinion and not agree with someone but still be respectful of their decision to think or act that way. in art or in the real world.

you will also never know why the person thinks a certain way if you don't at least try to understand or ask them about it.

anyway yea.

[water-petal]

Fucks dog shit somehow my first tired got deleted because why the fuck not? Anyways this rant will get me a supreme deluxe banner for being homophobic, sexist and misogynie because that's what happens when you hate on a female character that someone likes even tho I defended the fuck out of others. genius farmer genius

Now isn't that pure retardation to blame Sasuke like that? Well tell that to the bitches who hate who hate Hinata on that because Neji chose to be a good brother and give his life to save his sister. Look I don't care who should die because they shouldn't (It should be Temari... I have a hate Bonner huh.). Sorry for my vulgar language but I just saw some guy saying that konan should be the heroine and the one to suck Naruto's dick. Mate she is literally shallow as fucking water, all I remember her doing is sucking off Yahiko and Nagato just having Hinata's supportive mentality but to an extreme level. Look konan is great but she's just Hinata without the critical thinking part, she fucking let Nagato kill Jiraiya would Hinata let Naruto kill Asuma's wife (Forgot how to write her name it's kureina right?) and for good lord TenTen stans need to shut up about how great she is. For fucks sake her 'Fight' with Temari is filler, she doesn't have anything I mean anything she's utterly useless just masturbating materiel for some horny bastard if anything Kureina Hinata should have gotten more screentime with Sakura because they are actually interesting with good powers, fucking Kureina is a mistress for Giratina's sake who managed to hold off Itachi only if for a few seconds that's dope as shit but because Kishimoto wanted to kill off Asuma he needed to make her pregnant (I have no probs with housewife but the problem with Kishi is he wasted a lot of good characters for Uchiha glazing and building up the villains and Naruto's conflict with villians, all I am saying is that Naruto ended before it should and I blame the manga industry because of how fucking overworked they are I am glad he at least finished the damn story bro couldn't go to his friends weddings for fucks sake that's sad as fuck)

My view on SasuHina is that I've seen NtR hentai with better reasoning for cheating than Hinata choosing Sasuke over Naruto , I sacrificed my soul to Giratina and read one and the pure character assassination for Naruto is gross, and the reviews Naruto as a stupid lesser fuck you are gross plz grow up and get laid because I can't with your shut you disgusting fucks. Naruto is not an idiot, you are.

And good lore NaruSaku is a pile of dog shit with the generic boring shonen couple that sucks ass and should die in a fire, if you want to have a nation turned to rubble let Naruto and Sakura date because they will fight t'ill eternity and end up breaking up because they are more like siblings than fucking lovers.

And don't get me on those who screech "CHEMISTRY" when they fucking ship ShikaTema which is the worst example of chemistry, the only Shikamaru that can even satisfy Temari is adult who's a workaholic not the lazy bum kid, just like how the only Hinata that can satisfy Naruto is the brave Hinata who isn't a crybaby , and the only Sasuke that can date Sakura is the aloof tame Sasuke who isn't a maniac, you know people fucking change you sick stupid fuck, you won't me to believe that Naruto will marry the girl who doesn't understand why he still wants to save her love over the girl who understands him and picks him when he's lost and slap sense to him. And you want me to believe that Sakura will marry the guy who didn't even pick up on her worries over the guy who did and encouraged her?

Limey shit is so fucking atrocious I'd rather be HIV positive than stay on the god forsaken app , only YouTube and shit posting is better than dealing with fucks who don't understand how characters should work. I miss when common sense was still a thing because what the fuck. And don't start me on the gay shippers because they have the worst case of main character syndrome and exposing their shit will definitely get me suspended because of hate crime on the LGBT community and name me a supreme deluxe Homophobic straight dude which is somehow their worst enemy.

My final saying is fuck you sns because you singlehandedly ruined the Naruto fandom for ever with all your fucking stupidity and retardation Naruto is my favorite manga and my favorite character and you singlehandedly ruined him because you all are pieces of shit who lack any sense of critical thinking.

This is me if I ever meet a singe fuck of you:

jesus christ bro who hurt you.......if it's reddit fans i heavily suggest to to stop interacting with them

honestly speaking majority of naruto fandom just has a hate boner to reading the manga properly.....which sucks tbh

or else this shit ton of hinat and sakura hate wouldn't exist

sasuhina.......wenever talk about it, it's cursed i've seen shippers think they are anakin and padme i hate it

narusaku was the first plan but then it was dropped because kishi realized naruto needed to have chemistry with hinata.....they made sense

[thedreadvampy]

Ok this might be a really. Not helpful thing to say. But there are times I'm like. Looking at transphobes throwing around their experiences of gendered trauma from men as a justification for hating and fearing trans women, and I just feel like. fucking hell sort yourself out.

like if I as a person who actually has experienced multiple instances of sexual assault from trans women can separate individual action from systemic factors - like if I with that experience can understand that a couple of people behaving shittily doesn't reflect on all trans women - what the fuck is your excuse when you're going "well cis men harm cis women and that's been traumatic for me so trans women should be eradicated" like fuck off. Fuck offffff. deal with your shit on your own time like the rest of us.

(so it's said clearly in this post: been sexually assaulted by a couple of trans women, a couple of cis women and a metric shitton of cis men. almost as if. misogynistic abuse is a systematic problem of how men are consistently encouraged to treat women.)

it's just like. Yeah I for sure know that we can't control what triggers trauma responses and that it sucks to carry so much weight but ALSO. your trauma isn't an excuse to lash out at unrelated people for no reason. you aren't even reacting to trauma relating to trans women! you're reacting to trauma related to cis men, men moving through the world in ways that reify and empower their manhood! pointing past those actual dudes to trans people just existing!

and I do not want to make this about me bc like I'm a Cisgendered, it's not about me and it shouldn't be. but it's really fucking galling to watch people be like "hating transfems is just a Natural Consequence of being traumatised by men" when like. not only do fucking thousands of other people also have the experience of being traumatised by men and not turn into single-minded transmisogynists, but a bunch of us have experiences that are slightly less wildly unrelated to trans people, and gasp can still fucking recognise that systemic transmisogyny is still not a Natural Consequence of being traumatised by a singular person.

do the fucking work is all I'm saying.

[formulatrash]

ppl seem pretty happy about having found smth to hate chadwick for now

sigh. I'm always. cautious because I think she is being given chronically bad advice - and also what was some idiot man from the Times doing asking her about tHe TrAnS dEbAtE given she competes in an un-separated sport, gender-wise and W Series has made it repeatedly clear that trans competitors would be welcome. like, whatever that guy's agenda is sucks.

anyway. the inherent grossness of men interviewing female athletes aside, the thing is: what she said was fundamentally wrong. and internally contradictory. there should be no barriers to women competing with men - and I mean this totally genuinely. there shouldn't be a gap. we should maybe classify overall athletes by height and weight for contact sports, like we do with boxing within gendered classes because a 5'2" person beating the shit out of 5'10" me would be funny as hell but also embarrassing for me. but there should not be the gap that there is between women's and men's sports. and trans athletes do not exist within that gap, in any case. Lia Thomas is not, contrary to screamed views, #1 in women's swimming - she's barely even anywhere ranked on a national level, she would never make an Olympic team. she would be absolutely smoked by Katie Ledecky, the actual GOAT of US women's swimming, who scares the shit out of the men.

the problems with women's sport are the same ones Jamie faces: there's a lack of funding, a lack of belief, a huge gap in the number of professional female athletes to men. a huge gap in visibility, a huge gap in coverage, a huge gap in the amount of time women have been allowed to compete. a colossal gap in how children who compete are treated and encouraged and their access to leagues to compete in and improve.

none of that has anything to do with trans people.

what worries me is Jamie has obviously endured a lot of irrational hate over her career. I honestly think one of the reasons she struggled in FRECA was because her car was broken in first practice - quite a big deal - then she came back and got a podium on her first weekend. which for some reason had a bunch of people declaring her and W Series and women at large washed. because they fucking cannot stand a woman to get even a chance. not just can't take them succeeding, they literally can't fucking take it if she gets a chance.

and that worries me because it makes me wonder if Jamie won't listen on the trans thing because she's had to enter this insular headspace and she's, y'know, not as old or successful as other drivers who've had to confront this and sort themselves out about it and she's just saying what her team boss says so: heck. damn. hate it.

[hello-there]

Communities are a new way to connect with the people on Tumblr who care about the things you care about! Browse Communities to find the perfect one for your interests or create a new one and invite your friends and mutuals!

[tuz-on-ao3]

so in Ep 32 because of a conversation Niao Niao has with the crown prince encouraging familial love the emperor decided not to punish this one military dude. Said military dude is in fact incompetent and shouldn't be there and some other stuff that honestly I forgot about it. But the General Ling Bu Yi says that becasue of her actions the palace opinion will turn again the Empress and the crown prince/emperor.

So she may have to suffer the consequences of her own recklessness, which I think will be good for her character development. Because Niao Niao has never really had to do that before. So much of her life went wrong due to other people's bullshit. So no matter how good or bad she was it would suck for her because her grandmother adn third aunts are assholes. Now she is in a situation where she has power, but doesn't know how to deal with teh fact that she has to make her won future. And because of the person that she is, her life will never be uncomplicated.

But she's got good points because no one really explains to her clearly why interfering with the palace is such a bad idea. It might be because a 15 year old would naturally have trouble thinking of the long term consequences of her schemes in an intensely complicated political situation that is impossible to separate from family because said family in question is the ROYAL family. I feel like everyone around her underestimates the effect her upbringing had on her. She says in this episode that she doesn't care about consequences and acts willfully and girl I get it. It wasn't your idea to get involved in palace intrigue and this bullshit, but one, you have a massive inferiority complex which your mother did not help you get over. And at the same time you are so fucking good at getting what you want, but there is no way out of the consequences of your own actions. Like no one's life is like that, and you are going to get hurt really really badly by not caring. And at the same time, there is such a joy in having a character who is unrestrainedly herself. these complex fucking characters, y'all.

Also crown prince, I feel like maybe you got the wrong thing out of Niao Niao's pep talk. BE a bit more capable. I'm waiting for the scene where he gets his shit together and slaps someone.

[ihopesocomic]

Am i the only one who feels kinda bad for rose? like yeah she's a jerk and she shouldn't treat her siblings the way she does, but i feel bad for her in a "her parents should've taught her better" kind of way. Im not trying to sympathize with a bully or anything, i just think it's sad that her parents didn't raise her better, if that makes sense. nobody is born a jerk, and I'm mad at periwinkle for coddling her instead of teaching her to be a better person. Not to mention that she's still a child and COULD grow up to be a better person if her parents would just stop encouraging her bad behavior! To all the parents out there: don't let your kids become bullies!

I'm sure everyone here feels subconsciously bad for her like you do, anon. But when you're thinking from the perspective of Daffodil or any bullied child's perspective, it's hard to really sympathise and think with the maturity that we've gained as young adults or adults.

I mean, let's be real: whenever somebody bullied you as a really young kid, did you ever stop and think 'wow, their parents must suck'? I know I didn't. I didn't give a shit about their crappy home life or w/e, I just wanted to beat them with a baseball bat.

But, yeah, I wouldn't worry. Everyone here - including us - is aware that she's just a kid and kids can change but it still doesn't mean we can't feel sad and angry for poor Daffodil and whoever else has to deal with her shit. - RJ

[silver-wield]

See, I was there for that dude when Jairus was harrassing him for the pettiest reason, but I just don't see how he thinks blocking and muting tags doesn't help? Someone said "but why should I block the whole final fantasy tag just because I don't like ship content?" If that's what it takes, it sucks to suck I guess. Ship content in the main tag shouldn't be that big of a deal that people go on tirades about how shipping is terrible and has a strangle hold on the fandom, when really, you just need to cater your fandom experience to you. I don't think anyone was saying non-shippers shouldn't defend themselves, but the attitude that some of them have is weirdly gatekeepy, and that's what shippers don't like. As shippers, the most we can do is tag our posts as ship content and tell people who don't like our ships to block us. End of story🤷🏾‍♀️

I've had Jairus harass me, but not for long cause he knows idgaf and won't bow to his weird pressure plays, but the cult are constantly on my ass one way or another and I defend myself when I see their busted takes, but I don't accuse all cleriths of being to blame for them.

The important thing is to know how is the blame for shit and not tar everyone with the same brush cause that makes you no better than them.

And letting your followers make hateful rants and encourage more hate, then say you were initially misunderstood is a bullshit way of trying to dodge responsibility.

Whenever I make a mistake I say so and apologise. I don't stubbornly insist I did nothing wrong. I know I'm a bit much for some people, but it's their choice not to block/mute me. If I happen to misunderstand someone I interacted with that's on me to be a grown ass adult and do the right thing. And yeah, I have done that before and it was totally on me for misunderstanding and I did apologise cause I'm not an asshole lol

People need to own their shit.

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 238

Alex

I stop walking suddenly when a car rolls pass me creeping. They were looking hard as fuck. I shouldn't have walked so far away from the house in this white ass private neighborhood. They might call the cops on me.

"Alex?"

I turn around. April was like two normal houses down from me. With these big houses she was half of a house away. I walk towards her hugging myself. What lady? Like. I don't even know right now. I just don't feel like talking my business to another stranger.

"You didn't have to come after me." I say.

"I can tell that you and Cammie are related. Maybe even raised by the same grandma."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah maybe."

She chuckles. "Yeah. So you all defensive cause you don't want to talk about it. No problem. I just didn't feel like you really wanted to be alone."

"I don't but I am."

"You can't go through life like you the only one with your current problem. I don't even know what it is but it's not worth all of this dramatic shit."

I chuckle. "You so blunt."

"Baby, I'm real."

"If you say so." I sigh. "Everybody always so wrapped up in themselves and so quick to judge. Bitches act like they innocent and all fucking their first. They don't fucking get it."

"Hmm?" April says. "Don't we all point the finger at everybody else?"

I sigh. "I'm being so weak."

"For having feelings?"

"For letting people get to me." I say remembering what Jamaal said. "Okay, April, you tell me what to do. Since you all in my business. I fucked one too many people in the last... well."

April makes a face. "Well?"

"Maybe I didn't have sex with nobody recently. But..." I exhale. "I wanted to be... I'm all screwed up."

"Chil..." April says shaking her head. "You pregnant? Cause if not you need to get some help. What are you talking about?"

I drop my shoulders. "I just got to face it."

"You minus well, Baby." April says rubbing my back. "You don't know who the father is?"

"I know."

April makes me start walking. "You don't want him to be the father?"

"I don't want a baby." I say wanting to cry.

"Whatever. If you didn't want it you would get rid of it. If you not getting rid of it you want it. Somewhere you want this baby. Some bone in your body is happy. Is it not the person you want it to be? Is it not... what his name? Jamaal?"

I sigh. "It's Jamaal. He has been blocking every attempt by any man that tries to talk to me lately. I just don't know."

"You are a lot like Cammie." April chuckles.

"Our father's were twins." I sigh.

"You and Cammie's fathers were twins? I never knew that."

I blow. "We were close growing up then her father died and she changed. Thought I was always trying to act like I was better than her. I lost my father for a long time when she lost her father. He started drinking and shit. It wasn't a fucking walk in the park. I don't want to be a parent on drugs or alcohol like my parents. I'm scared to be a parent. Both of my parents failed."

April cuts her eyes at me. "Failed? Are you not a successful black educated woman? You have a hella lot more than I did at your age. Didn't fucking stop me from being a mother. Hell my son takes care of me. I'm not a fucking failure so you sure won't be. You in a position where you can be there for your child way more than I ever was. I wouldn't change nothing about my boys. Their fathers or nothing. Cause they are more than I could ask for."

"So... I am the shit." I sigh.

"Alex?" She starts laughing shaking her head. "If that helps you calm your ass down. Tell yourself that."

I cross my arms. "Shit."

"Oh look here comes Jamaal. How convenient?"

"Shut up." I say spinning around.

Jamaal was seriously jogging towards us. He stops completely staring at us. He crosses the street. I really don't feel like having this conversation. He takes his headphones out of his ears looking at us strange.

"What's wrong?" He asks coming straight to me.

"What are you talking about? Why does something have to be wrong with me?"

He looks at April. "I don't know much about April but I know you not this far away from the house helping her with her problems. And you would never go for a walk."

April chuckles and walks away. "Done went and found a... there's nothing wrong with me. What are you doing?"

"Me?" Jamaal asks. "Going to meet a friend I know that lives around here."

"Why you lying? Are you good, Alex?" April asks turning like she was going to walk away.

You encouraging me to have this talk with him? Damn April don't be so damn forward with your demands. I exhale and nod my head slowly. She gives me a face as if she was saying go ahead and talk. I never really talked to Cammie about April but something about her reminds me of my grandma. My grandma would say you laid your ass down there and took that dick then you carry that baby then lay your ass down and have that baby. I hate life. I don't want this.

"Dick wore off? You were okay a while ago." Jamaal says rubbing on my waist.

"Was I, Jamaal? Or did we fuck and ignore whatever was wrong with me?"

He frowns thinking hard. "That's what you wanted."

"It was?" I snap pushing his hands off me.

"Tell me what it is then?"

"I'm pregnant."

He laughs. "You so damn coldhearted. What's wrong with you?"

I shrug. "If that ain't it then I don't fucking know. You tell me since you know so well."

"I mean you have been a bitch from birth." He stares at me. "How pregnant are you?"

"Didn't look."

He chuckles nervously. "Let me look. Whatever you talking bout."

I give him my phone after taking the case off. He takes it like he scared. His confidence is just disappearing with every movement of his body. He looks in the case at the folded up ultrasound picture. I didn't want to look at it so I didn't. All this drama with me and Jamaal has put me in a place where I wasn't fucking with anyone. I've been more focused on me and clearly my head of him. Not telling his ass that.

"I thought... Shit." He says staring at the ultrasound. "Damn."

"You not going to ask if it's yours?"

He smirks. "Who else you fucked? 10 weeks? What's that? 2 months. That's all me, Sunshine."

"Great now you can get my inheritance for sure."

"Inheritance?" He chuckles. "I get you forever."

"Me?" I snap.

He so damn arrogant. "Fuck your money. I'm bout to be the baby daddy. Only motherfucker higher is a husband. And you ain't gonna be happy long enough to marry a bitch."

"You think this shit funny." I snap walking away.

"Bae." He says grabbing me. "I'm making a joke because I know how fucked up it is for me to be excited and you feel like shit. But it's a baby. I know about your mama's past. I know the last thing you would do is get rid of it. It's a baby."

I suck my teeth. I wasn't even thinking about my mother. He grabs my waist, which he loves to do. This man loves to touch me regardless of what he touching. I cross my arms staring at him. Say something good or get told off.

"We can have an expensive announcement party that tops that damn Disney party. Maybe an announcement dinner on your yacht."

I chuckle. "My yacht?"

"That your daddy bought? Yeah?"

I walk away without saying anything. Don't know why I was expecting anything different from Mr. Family Man. Never thought about how he would feel about the baby. Hell I was so scared they would say 3 months or more and have me looking stupid trying to figure out who I fucked. Life man.

Amber

"Cammie so stupid sometimes." I snap slamming the phone down on the floor then sitting down on the soft rug.

Chris says something but I don't know what it was. "Amber?"

"What?"

"You find out you pregnant today and you start going off?"

I suck my teeth. "This has nothing to do with being pregnant."

He blows. "Anything I can do?"

"No." I spat.

"Okay. I'll be here if there is."

Trey walks into the room. "We going to head to the house."

Chris stands up. "Well damn."

Trey shrugs. "I don't know. We will probably leave in the morning. It's too late to travel with the boys. Thanks for trying to... I mean thanks for being there, Chris."

"Whatever, man. I don't see how it helped anybody."

"It did." Trey nods walking towards the door. "Shit just heavy. It takes more than a few minutes in paradise to see things change."

"Yeah. Okay." Chris sighs.

Trey closes the door to the room behind him. That stupid short conversation between them pissed me off. My problems aren't irrelevant and they shouldn't have to be put aside all the time for other people's bullshit. Yes I have things I got to deal with and to me they are fucking important. I understand their shit is important.

"Wanna talk about it?" Chris says from across the room. "Amber?"

"I don't."

"Cause it's about me?" He says sadly. "I feel like it's about me. I mean I know it's about me."

I glance in the direction I thought he was. "Why would it be about you?"

"I know it is." He blows.

"It's about the situation. Cammie thinks her problems are supposed to be everyone else's but when it comes to other people she just wants to judge."

He was now standing near me. "Who, Cammie?"

"Yes."

"Bae, maybe you just mad at something else. Cammie would rather not have anyone in her business." He kneels down. "You not really excited about being pregnant are you? Mad cause I am and you don't know how to be real with me."

I suck my teeth. "Sounds rehearsed."

He rubs my leg. "Joyce said it."

"Your mama said that?"

He shrugs. "She asked how you felt. I said fine. She said no then lectured me on being selfish. I didn't purposely get you pregnant. Last thing I heard the doctor said you not ready."

I sigh. He is being so positive. I shouldn't be being so negative. He is right. It is about him. I don't really want to tell him that or deal with his response. I don't know if I want to deal with anything right now. I don't feel like being bothered. And what does Joyce even have to do with this? Why does it take her to give him a view of me?

"That's why you care?"

"No." He snaps. "What you on? I'm not trying to argue with you?"

"Then leave me alone."

He stands up shrugging his shoulders. "Aight then."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah."

"I want this baby and I don't think it's fair for you not to want it. Like I'm never gonna be okay with you getting rid of it. And if that is what you thinking then ain't no need acting like we can make it."

"What?" I snap.

He was back across the room. "I'm just saying that's not an option."

"It wasn't a fucking question!" I yell.

"Damn, don't wake my baby." Chris whispers.

I look at him. That's what he was doing across the room? Royalty is in here.

"I never fucking said nothing even remotely close to getting rid of my baby. Fuck you for thinking that."

"It ain't about what you saying. It's what you not saying. It's you only talking long term with this relationship after finding out you pregnant. It's you having to have private conversations about the shit we should be able to talk about. What a great friendship this has become."

I just roll my eyes cause ain't shit to say to that. Plus I don't feel like fucking arguing. With Cammie then with him. Why couldn't he just leave the shit alone and talk shit about Cammie with me. Fuck what any of the conversations were even about. I don't feel like dealing with his shit and I don't feel like Cammie.

"Just so you know what's really going on. Cammie and her mother had a talk about her… what happened in college. So her shit pretty difficult right now. She just ready to go home and act like nothing happened. So yeah."

I turn around looking at Trey. He walks back out of the room when nobody comments for a few seconds. Chris stands up from the bed once again. He just walks out of the bedroom door. I sigh.

[hello-there]

Communities are a new way to connect with the people on Tumblr who care about the things you care about! Browse Communities to find the perfect one for your interests or create a new one and invite your friends and mutuals!

[mama-qwerty]

The lack of a face shouldn't encourage people to be a jerk. Insulting, hurtful, crass replies aren't funny or cool, and shouldn't be seen as 'no big deal' just because we can't see the other person's reaction to it. If you wouldn't call up some stranger and say the same thing directly to them, don't say it online.

I'd wager that a lot of the same trolls and assholes online would rather rip out their intestines with a fork before walking up to some stranger on the street and saying these things to someone's face. People are a lot braver when their targets are intangible screen names and the barbs just words on a screen.

But you know what? That 'funny' little "fuck you" may be the latest punch to someone already feeling like shit. That "your art sucks" might just be the last straw to someone already doubting their abilities. That "no one likes you kys" might be just what someone needs to hear to 'confirm' their darkest thoughts as truth.

For crying out loud. Being kind isn't hard. It's not impossible to just NOT be an asshole. If being a dick online is what makes you feel big and important, then there's a real disconnect as far as "healthy interactions" goes, and you should really seek therapy.

If you see "don't be a dick to people" as some sort of unattainable goal, then I don't know what to tell you. That's just sad.

We've all gotten just a bit too comfortable being jerks to strangers on the internet I think

[pacificwanderer]

Got any advice for a girl who has 3 younger fanbro brothers who proclaim they will not be watching TROS in theaters? When I told my brothers the title, two of them groaned and said, yuck, seriously? And, my 21 year old brother, who really doesn't care about romance in action movies, always rolls his eyes when I bring up Reylo, and said the trailer reinforced his dislike for the ST actors. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I do. I keep thinking I have to prove myself as a SW fan.

Hey Nonnie!

This is a really great questions :) I’ve been a fan since I was very young and it was something that I largely enjoyed on my own (family wasn’t much into it, though my aunt did make us watch Space Balls one time, so LOL I’ve got that, I guess?), so my experience will be a little different, but I’ll do my best. NGL, my first impulse was to type out “YOU DON’T OWE SHIT TO NOBODY NOHOW” but that’s not really helpful and, to be honest, it’s really a concept that I learned with age and experience because, for much of my life, I’ve also felt like I had to prove myself or justify my interests to others, esp when someone was choosing to criticize them. Also, this is a pretty common and normal feeling inside of fandom and in life, so you’re definitely not alone :)

It almost felt like it was a judgment on me. Somehow, I was doing something wrong by liking whatever thing I felt I needed to justify, so I needed to explain myself so that they could understand why I liked the thing because I didn’t like to feel like I was doing something wrong by liking it. I didn’t want them to reject me or think less of me because of my interests. But, as I’ve dealt with more of this kind of thing over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay for them to not give a shit about the things that I like and that I don’t owe them my time or a justification. I’m not wrong for liking SW just like they’re not really wrong for disliking it. It’s just the way it is in life. And, honestly, once the movie comes around, they might change their tune anyways because I have a feeling it’s going to be epic.

If I like something, it’s right for me because it’s right for me. Doesn’t mean that will be the case for anyone else, but it also doesn’t mean that I have to convert them or bring them over to my POV. The best thing for me was to find people who shared my interests and talk with them about how much I love the thing. For me, that was getting started in online fandom. I was also really lucky to find a group of friends outside of the fandom who are really supportive and patiently listen to my Reylo and Star Wars rants. I’ve also gotten more confident with my likes and interests over time, which really is just me becoming more confident as a person. The older I get, the less I give a shit about what other people say about things that ultimately don’t matter (like fandom). It’s supposed to be fun and I do my best to seek out the people and opportunities that are enjoyable to me :) Again, that’s after a lot of years of feeling lesser than, or like I needed to hide my hobbies, but now I just dgaf lol.

Another thing to remember is that peer pressure and influence from others is a real thing and some people feel the need to fall in line, or hate on things that “everyone” else hates on just because they don’t want to feel like they’re not part of the group (and, boy, is that group loud on the internet, even if they are small). So, it could be that they’re feeling outward pressure to hide their own interests and preferences (not saying that’s definitely the case, but it can be part of the reason). It happened with the PT too, where you get people who aren’t even into SW weighing in on how “terrible” the movies are. Because SW is so ubiquitous, everyone has an opinion on it, so there’s always going to be plenty of conflict in the fandom because not only do you have generations of people growing up and loving different facets of this series, you have people who think that a viable personality trait is hating on Star Wars (it’s not, they’re boring, and I’ve learned to just ignore them and enjoy with part of the fandom that is good for me). It takes a lot of guts to be open with your likes and hobbies and not many people feel comfortable with making themselves vulnerable like that. I know it was a challenge for me growing up because it stings to hear shit like “that fucking sucks,” or “what’s wrong with you [for liking that]” or “Isn’t that a boy thing?” But, again, it’s a reflection on them, not me. Mostly, I think people are jealous that they can’t openly like the things they like because they’re afraid of criticism. Which sucks. 

I wish we were more encouraging about interests instead of always making fun of people for being “too excited,” or “childish.” This would would be a more magical place if people could take themselves outside of their own experiences, fears, and insecurities, and realize that we’re all just stumbling along together, trying to get by, on this crazy rock that’s hurtling through space. People also get a lot more traction by talking about what they hate because it gets a rise out of others. Look at youtube or twitter. That shit is toxic as fuck (and this place can be too) with people continually focusing on shit that they say they “hate” but are actually obsessed with (and probably secretly enjoy, which I’m sure pisses them off, hence the overcompensating with hate to PROVE to themselves that they really do hate it--Gee, reminds me of a certain character, to be honest lol). 

Also, it’s okay if people don’t like Star Wars or don’t like the new movies or Reylo. It’s fine. As long as they’re not being mean about it. There are plenty of things that I just can’t stand, but I stay out of it lol. And, well, some people are just gonna be jerks about it and that’s a reflection of them and their current state of being. If they enjoy making other people feel shitty about the things that they like, then I imagine their own state of being isn’t that great. Now, with brothers, I’m sure the dynamic is different (I don’t have any brothers, but I grew up around farm boys, so I got some of the dynamic, but living with people makes things a bit more challenging). So it might just be a family thing where you’re getting pushback because you’re a family member. Family sure is like that sometimes. 

I’m going to stop myself from going on a rant talking about how Star Wars, while it has action elements, isn’t an action movie and people who have that expectation for the series are always going to be disappointed (it’s a space opera), but it’s also good to remember that some people just don’t understand romance, and maybe they don’t like it. And that’s okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and interests and, as long as they’re not starting fights over it, I’d just move on. 

You have every right to enjoy Star Wars just however you see fit. You don’t owe it to anyone else to justify or explain your preferences. Whether you’re deep into it, or just like the aesthetic, or want romance or Reylo, or like the ships, whatever, it’s all valid. 

Is there something about SW that you all like that you can share if you’re looking for a way to bridge the gap? I’d avoid topics that you’re never going to agree on, but maybe if you’re looking to have conversations with your bros about SW, talk to them about the things you enjoy that you have in common. Or, if they’re picking at the ST, just ignore the bait. IT’S HARD and I hATE IT because I want to rub people’s faces in how wrong they are, but I also have to take a step back and remind myself that it’s fake and in space lol.

In summary, you never, ever, ever, ever, ever have to justify yourself as a SW fan or with anything else out there. Ever. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that, but with time and practice, it gets easier, I promise. Take it from a chronic over-explainer lol. You are good and valid and wonderful just the way you are and in whatever way you enjoy this series. No matter what anyone else says or implies. Star Wars is for everyone, and anyone that implies otherwise never understood the series to begin with.

AND if you read all this and think it’s shit and you have a better way to deal with it HAHA I’m fine with that. These are my personal experiences and thoughts on the matter, and what’s right for me isn’t going to be right for everyone, nor do we all follow the same path in life :) Hope this helps, at least so you know that you’re not alone and I’m cheering for you! 

Take care, Nonnie! And MTFBWY!

[criminal-sen]

Bruh, you never even asked for an apology. "Saying I refused to apologize," means you asked me to apologize in the first place. That's being disingenuous.

I said you were being rude. And you were! An apology wouldve been nice, I shouldn't have had to ASK for one lol. Do you have any idea how shitty it is to see I got a comment on that fic only to see the first two words are 'I hate'? Not to be dramatic but my life fucking sucks rn, I don't have a whole lot to look forward to. I'm not some professional author whose paid to deal with this shit. It is basic ff etiquette to keep negative opinions to yourself since most of us on there are in the same boat. We're just people with hobbies ffs

Since you commented anonymously, I am not encouraging harrassment or anything, I am just a little miffed:)

[medicinemane]

Ok, so here's the deal, the duolingo app is pissing me off enough and doesn't give much more xp at this point (which I shouldn't have to care about made up xp. but I do so... yeah), so I've switched back to the desktop and honestly it's so much better

Because I'm typing instead of tapping and swiping around on the screen I'm kind of able to store some of the language in my muscle memory, and because they don't have lives on desktop (no one tell them that) I can actually make mistakes kind of on purpose for these words I'm finding super hard

But every time I mess up I have to watch a fucking character sit their and shake their head at me and it's like... I don't know why it's so irritating to me. It's probably in part cause for some reason the words for family members just are so tricky for me. My brain kind of hates these words in particular unlike almost any other words in Irish, so it's really hard, and when I'm frustrated I'm irritable

But like I said, it's also movement. I don't like it, I don't like to see things, I like a clean clear screen with just words when I'm focusing on words

It's one thing with drops, where their whole gimmick is showing you a silhouette of pasta or whatever, then having you match the word pasta to it. Those are relevant though, they're not just little funny dancing images

It was fine when the owl would show up between questions to offer encouragement, shit on screen while I'm working is another thing though

I don't know that I'd even want to see characters I like from shows that I like coming around to cheer me on while I'm trying to learn a language. Go away, unless you're hear to literally speak Irish with me, fuck off. I can't think, this is hard for me, leave me alone

Maybe I'll feel differently once I've successfully learned one language and know how to do it, but for now it sucks and I want to be left alone

Doing it via keyboard feels way better, but duolingo is straight up making it a worse experience at this point

[glittergutts]

I shouldn't, but I have terrible anxiety.

It started up about an hour ago my stomach started twisting and hasn't stopped since. I was getting upset that I couldn't focus and it hit me, now that I'm off anxiety meds my doctor will treat my adhd and maybe I can regain focus. I used to be medicated and my life was a lot less messy. I could clean and feel motivated to do things. I used to make a lot of art but I haven't in a long time. I don't think I've really been myself since 2017. Everything went down hill after that and I went with it. But finally I'm trying to get the fuck back up..again..

But the other times I tried to get off klonapin myself I failed before I got this far so I guess I'll keep going. I should be getting my white surrender keytag in the mail soon and that's encouraging.

I keep worry about homeschooling my kids. Which is utterly insane because it's been going better than it ever has. I'm just worried because both my kids are behind in one subject or another. Today I realized how bored my kids are. I've been looking for a place to take a field trip. We've just been doing workbooks, flash cards, and reading. So I don't change it up much like I used to try back when Ellie was in kindergarten. I'm just praying the kids get caught up and get to have a summer break. We didn't even start this school year until October, and I wasn't spending much time on it until like January. I know its my shortcomings, but I have been doing a lot better lately. It's just such a huge stress to worry about my kids academic things and social skills. I over shelter my children to a fault because I'm so scared of them getting hurt, I've tried to hide them from the world but I'm starting to realize I have to stop so they can grow as people. I still don't want then in public school the one year we did that like to fucking kill me. I feel blessed to be able to stay home with my kids and teach them. I don't want to let that go.

Neither the kids or myself have any real friends and it needs to change so we can have a balanced life. My only friend is an alcoholic who will not deal with her problems (I guess I didn't do shit about my problems either for quite a few years) and then I have my cousin and she just wants to smoke weed and I don't really like my kids around shit like that. She also has a reoccurring drug problem with some hard shit. I don't know how to make friends or where to meet them. I've gotten some phone numbers from people in NA and it's cool I have people I can talk to that understand my fucked up brain.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the next hour before my meeting. But my eyes are getting blurry from starting at my phone. I didn't even try to take a nap today. I've been so busy with meetings and homeschool I haven't had time to feel how tired I am yet.

Last time I got 8 days clean I ended up in the emergency room. I feel like.. really bad.. mostly its just anxiety and that's just a withdrawal side effect. I've thought more about my bottle of pills today than in the past week combined and it sucks but eventually that's supposed to stop and let me just say I can not fucking wait.