#but this has been my life since 2017 and many many people have told me my apartment gives them the creeps

[mixtapesandwintercoats]

women=scapegoats

Just my opinion.

TRIGGERING WARNING: SA/ SH

When did the word woman become synonymous with scapegoat? As I see the news each day, I realize this is the world we seem to live in. In light of recent events regarding the attempt to destroy the career and livelihood of a fellow actress and woman , I have felt compelled to write this, as I have unfortunately been subject to the same toxic masculinity throughout my life. In my recent career, I’ve brought forward concerns about a male colleague and was deemed “hysterical.” I was told my fears were figments of my imagination. Now, as I’m seeing this pattern pop up more, I realize this is the norm.

I, like a lot of women, had hope in change —especially in the latter part of 2017 when many brave women came forward during the #MeToo movement. There seemed to be an uprising, a new wave of recognition for those who had been abused, degraded, slandered, silenced and it was loud. But it was the kind of noise I can only liken to a firework. It can wake you up out of a sound sleep, it burns so bright and shocks the shit out of you but then, it burns out — just like that. And when the smoke in the sky clears and the ashes and debris are swept away from the sidewalk, behind closed doors —to them— we are still just noisy women.

So we all go about our business until the next wave of injustice comes.

With the #MeToo movement, it felt different. People were annoyed (by people, I mean men and anyone who enables abusers). Annoyed that they might have to change their own dehumanizing behavior. I remember the shift from “yasss!!! Go women!!!! We are woke af!!!! We got your back!!!!” To “god, didn’t these bitches have their moment a few years ago? Get over it”. As if centuries of women being underpaid, undervalued, under-appreciated, raped, harassed, terrified and used for the benefits of dick-wielding heroes would be erased because you commented on your second cousins #MeToo instagram saying “stay strong”.

It was a pat on the head, a consolation prize accompanied by an eye roll as if we were just all constantly complaining that the gas station didn’t sell our preferred brands of tampons.

When a suit was filed against me by a former employer, (the suit was withdrawn), after making a confidential complaint against a coworker for unprofessional behavior, I had the silly and naive impression they would believe me. I am not known as a liar in my field of work, no matter how vocal I may be. Hence, why I’ve been working for 25 years. Instead of being believed and protected, a suit was filed against me for having the audacity to speak up. I was publicly shamed and defamed in the process. A reputation I had cultivated for over 2 decades had now been tainted as I became the crazy, paranoid and to quote directly, “hysterical and wild” woman, who apparently just had it in for men. My previous abuse was also brought up as “unfounded claims”, and I was made to seem like someone who just goes after men, rather than being seen as someone who has been dealing as a professional in this world, since I was a child, standing up for herself. This was after I had taken all of the recommended, reasonable and appropriate measures of reporting confidentially to my union.

The experience left me with a lot of questions, of the professionals in my industry, of the public, and of men.

To the public… I often wonder why are we always so excited to see the takedown of a woman? Why are we always so quick to defend a man after he is accused of bad behavior, but if a woman speaks out… she’s clearly a liar? I’d like to think it’s because we are supremely afraid to believe the truth that these things actually happen. I’d like to believe it’s some form of indoctrinated denial. However, time and time again, I find most people believe the approval of a man is far more significant than the burden of supporting a woman. For men, it is always innocent until proven guilty. For women it is the opposite. “Prove your fear.” “Prove your discomfort.” “Prove your pain.”

This MUST change.

And to men, I first wonder… if you complained about a coworker and you were called a liar… how would you feel? You probably can’t answer this because most likely, statistically, it’s never happened to you. Men are usually believed because so many “bosses” are men.

I will say this to those who have such a difficult time believing that women are truthful: do you know what happens to us if we report anything?

Do you know that most of the time when a woman reports a concern about a man, the burden of proof lies solely on us?

Do you know how it feels to be treated as a second rate citizen solely because we don’t have an appendage we can stick into anything we feel we own the right to?

And yet… you need us. You can’t charge your phone without an outlet right?

And is that all we are? Outlets? Something you can take your anger and vitriol and push that into us and onto us?

It leads us to the impossible double-edged sword we face everyday.

If we don’t speak up, we’re weak and aiding in the problem.

If we do, we are over dramatic, bitchy, bossy, divas.

Do you have a sister? Do you have a daughter? Do you have a mother? I’m sure you do.

And so here we find ourselves again, in a vicious cycle of crucifying another woman for speaking out against a man. Watching as the world splits in two over who is telling the truth, no matter how much evidence is presented. Because how could a woman do anything but lie or exaggerate?

So I ask you this:

How can a man do anything but lie when he is consistently told his deceptions are gospel? Are we forever to hold the burden of being “perfect” to be victims and to be believed?

To change the narrative, we do not need more women to scream. We just need a lot more men to shut up and listen.

-abbie

[hrts4hanniehae]

Special Announcement Video Jan 2023

*this is not a representation of the members of svt irl. y/n race and character type will be pre-determined to allow for a better plot.

*relationship has been established to other Seventeen members

masterlist

[a special announcement? what could be happening?]

Dino appears in front of the camera and sits down in a chair

Dino: Annyeonghaseyo, I’m Seventeen’s Dino.

Y/N goes to sit next to him

Y/N: Konnichiwa, I’m Seventeen’s Y/N.

Dino: We have an announcement to make.

[the announcement]

Dino pulls Y/N’s chair towards him and holds her hand tightly.

Y/N squeezes his hand back and leans onto him.

Dino: In June 2018, Y/N and I became a couple. I liked her since 2015 and she began to like me in 2017.

Y/N: We dated in secret until 2020 when the pandemic hit and I was sent back to Japan to help with HYBE Japan promotions. Dino accidentally let it slip to the rest of Seventeen, who helped to keep our secret until 2022. 

Dino: We told our managers and the company at the end of 2022 and got scolded for quite a while for hiding it. But finally… in 2023, we were allowed to share our 5-year love with Carats worldwide. 

Y/N: This video is being released because today is officially our 5th anniversary. Thank you for supporting Seventeen thus far and I hope that you all will continue to support Dino and me in our relationship.

-

S.Coups: I sort of expected Y/N and Dino to have feelings for each other, but I didn’t expect them to have been dating for 2 years before we found out.

Seungkwan: We were all very shocked to find out.

Vernon: It was crazy.

Jeonghan: Dino was in tears when he found out Y/N was staying in Japan for almost 2 years. 

DK: Wah… I remember his face…

Mingyu: I remember the horror on Y/N’s face when Dino let it slip that they were together. “How can I not react this way when I’m going to be in a long-distance relationship with the love of my life?!”

Wonwoo: You even remember it word for word, LOL!

Joshua: Y/N was horrified and we were so… in shock.

The8: In Dino’s defence, he was drunk when Y/N told us she was leaving Korea for more than a year. When we told Dino that Jun and I were going back to China for the same period, he didn’t even react that… much.

Jun: Yeah…

Woozi: I could tell that Dino liked Y/N in some way.

Hoshi: Really? I couldn’t.

-

Masaharu: Konnichiwa, I’m Kimura Y/N’s twin brother, Kimura Masaharu. I’ve met with the other Seventeen members a few times when I travelled to Korea and Dino was introduced to me as my younger sister’s boyfriend back in… 2020. 

Jirou: Konnichiwa! I’m Kimura Jirou, the youngest of the three Kimura siblings! You may also know me as Kiji from the 5th Gen Kpop group, TOX6! I became an idol because I was inspired by my sister. When I first watched ‘Hit the Road’, I finally realised how much my sister went through. That inspired me to audition for TOX6 and I got in!

-

Jirou: When she told me about her relationship with Dino-hyung, I was a bit scared because I knew how the public saw relationships in the idol industry. But when I looked at Dino-hyung, I knew he wouldn’t let my sister cry.

-

[Now you may be wondering why we did a video of the relationship reveal like this. Well… that’s because we want to show Carats how many people support this relationship in the hopes that you all can continue to give support to Y/N and Dino.]

-

Twice

Dahyun: I didn’t expect Y/N to tell us directly about her relationship.

Momo: Neither did I. 

Sana: She was shaking as she told us and I could tell she was so scared to let us know about it. 

Mina: I’m so glad she trusted us enough to tell us. They make a wonderful couple!

-

TxT

Yeonjun:  I was very surprised that Y/N-noona and Dino were dating.

Soobin: Yeah no kidding… 

Yeonjun: Of course, I’m happy for my two good friends!

Soobin: Y/NDino has TxT’s full support! 

-

Skz

Changbin: Y/N-noona, fighting! Dino, fighting! You’re a great match!

Leeknow: Congratulations, Y/N!

-

Atz

Yunho: They’re dating? No way… 

Seonghwa: Really? Wow…

Wooyoung: Wow… Good job, noona…

Hongjoong: Since 2018? Wow…

Mingi: That’s insane… 

San: Congratulations!

Jongho: Wow…

Yeosang: Y/N-noona, fighting!

-

Bnd

Jaehyun: Noona? And Dino-sunbaenim? Wow… Congratulations…

Riwoo: Fighting!!

Sungho: Congratulations!

-

EN- 

Heesung: Wow I didn’t expect that… Congratulations, Noona! 

Niki: Congratulations,  Noona.

-

Kim Sejong: Congratulations my dear little sister! I wish you many days of happiness!!

-

&TEAM

EJ: Noona, congratulations!!

Fuma: Y/N-san, I hope you have many happy days ahead!

K & Nicholas: Always be happy, Y/N-san!

Yuma & Jo: Congratulations!!

Harua: Congratulations, Y/N-senpai!

Taki & Maki: Fighting!

-

The scene fades back to Dino and Y/N. 

Y/N: So, that’s our relationship reveal! The day this is released is the day of our actual anniversary. I know this isn’t the most conventional relationship reveal, but we managed to hide our relationship from Carats for 5 years. I think that’s something worthy of a huge reveal.

Dino: So, we shall end this video with a video montage of pictures from our 5-year relationship. Thank you for loving us all this time. 

-

“I see the world in her eyes.” - Dino

“In my eyes, he is the world–my world.” - Y/N

[Happy 5th Anniversary, Dino and Y/N]

current taglist: @fairyofhour @megseungmin @sun-daddy-yoriichi @woozixo @euphoric-univers @christinewithluv @haowonbins @ocyeanicc @asyre @superhoshisvt @bangantokchy @chimmy-bts @angelarin @daisawa @writingbarnes @jeonghansshitester @belladaises @wonwootakemyheart @wonwooz1 @luchiet @kookssecret @thepoopdokyeomtouched @isabellah29 @leah-rose03 @coupshour @sooheehan @heesbees @hyuckxtagram @kissesfrmwonwoo @httphera @porridgesblog

[imtryingbuck]

Come back

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Summary: The team lose their friend (I’m bad at summaries sorry)

Word count: 3,919

Warnings: Angst. Sad times. Swearing. A grave gets dug up. Brock Rumlow. 

Masterlist   Series Masterlist

  In Loving Memory Of Y/n L/n

    Killed In Action Saving 5 Innocent Children

    Dedicated Agent

    Friend To Everyone

 10/05/1990 - 10/05/2017

“Pass me a donut will ya”

Everyday since the plaque went up 5 years ago, Bucky always reads it. Everyday a small chuckle will leave his lips when reading the quote Tony made sure was engraved in the marble. ‘She always said it and she did tell me once that when she died to have it on the plaque they HAD to give her’ Tony repeated that conversation when they deciding what would be put on the plaque. It was true, did she always say it. He can hear her voice saying the words he reads every day. 

Putting his two fingers to his lips he lightly kisses them, the gently places his fingers on her photo. Her ID photo took 8 tries to take because she wouldn’t sit still or she wouldn’t keep a straight face. In the end they settled on the final one, her with a huge smile on her face. She told Bucky once when he had asked-

‘why are you smiling in your photo?’

‘Because a smile a day keeps the dentist at bay’ 

‘That’s not an expression’

‘Well it should be’

He missed her more and more every day. Today however left a bitter taste in his mouth, today was the anniversary of her death. 

Every year since they watched their friend die, the team makes sure they don’t have missions just so they can celebrated her death as well as her birthday.

Every year on that painful day they gather in the common room and watch all of her favourite films and play all the board games she went crazy over, they would order and/or cook her favourite food. Then they would each blow out a candle on the large donut Tony had specially made for her birthday. 

He remembers that day when Tony surprised her with it a few years before her death. Her squeals made everyone laugh, she made everyone blow out one candle ‘it’s my birthday and I want everyone to get a wish’ and as the years passed they still did it.

They were halfway through the third film when director Fury walked in.

“I’m sorry to interrupt but you guys need to hear this”

“What is it?” Tony asks sitting up from where he was slouching.

“Earlier today there was an attack at SHIELD headquarters”

“How many are dead?” Steve asks. 

“The real question you need to ask is how many are alive Rogers”

“Well?” Natasha speaks up from where she sits next to Wanda.

“None. 28 people are in critical condition” each member of the team murmur their different abbreviations of ‘oh god’.

“Who was it do you know?” Steve questions. 

Walking around the sofa and sitting down on the lone chair Fury sighs “There’s was only one person. With a symbol on their back, take a wild guess which one”

“Hydra” They all speak at the same time.

“Yep. Now heres the reason why I’m here. The computers were tampered with, the IT department has managed to find out what was deleted”

“Go on” Tony says when Fury trails off.

“The file.. the only file to be downloaded and deleted was Y/n’s.”

The teams reaction was different from one another’s however Bucky, Bucky’s heart stopped, he’d gone cold and clammy at the same time, so many questions circled his mind. Why hers? Why now? Why couldn’t they just leave her alone? Why her of all agents?

It was as if Steve could read his mind because it was him that asked “Why hers? She’s been dead for 6 years now. Why would Hydra want her file?”

“We-I don’t know. Now here’s the part you guys are not going to like. Ross wants Y/n’s body to be dug up”

Before anyone get say anything “Absolutely fucking not! You touch her grave I’ll kill you myself!” Bucky shouts.

“Then I’ll bring you back to life just to kill you again” booms Thor.

“Listen to me, I don’t want to do this! Ro-“

“I don’t care what Ross wants. It’s bad enough her headstone needs to be replaced every two months because of arseholes keep wanting a piece of it, now you want to dig her up? It nearly killed all of us watching her coffin go into that hole now you want us to watch it come back up?” Bucky’s left hand is balled tight in a fist as he paces back and forth.

“You don’t have to watch and you need to watch your tone” Fury shot back.

“What are you going to do with her?” Wanda asks before Bucky can say anything.

“We’ll put her somewhere different- safer. It’s just a precaution and we have no idea what they want with her file. We don’t know why they picked her out of all active agents and Barnes I don’t like this anymore than you do, Y/n was” taking in a deep breath “I miss her too. I’m sorry but I’m going to give Ross the go ahead on this. You guys don’t have to to be there when it happens and when we find out what’s going on we’ll bury her again. I promise”

For a full 20 minutes after Fury left they were sitting in complete silence each trying to wrap their heads around the information they were just given. SHIELD headquarters had been attacked by Hydra - using just one person to assassinate so many agents. Out of all the Agents of SHIELD alive or dead they pick their friends file, their friend who they loved and adored the same friend who always had a smile on her face no matter what, the one person who could light up a room just by walking inside of it. A person who was so full of happiness and sunshine yet deadly and damn right terrifying when she needed to be. 

Now said friend who they have grieved for, for the past 6 years was about to have her resting place disturbed. Like Bucky had said to Fury, it nearly killed each and everyone of the Avengers and the Guardians - who came to Earth just to attend her funeral - they knew that the probability of dying on the job was high, of course they did, they just never expected it to happen to her, they had to watch as their friend, confidant, colleague, the better half to all of them lay in a box surrounded with 4 camera crews broadcasting their every move just so the whole world could watch them in their most vulnerable moment. They watched as her coffin was gently placed into the ground, knowing that it was going to be the last time they would ever see her after the soil would cover her.

They broke. Plain and simple, they broke. Worst part of it was is that the world lapped it up, the images of Natasha more famously known as the Black Widow standing at the grave of her best friend in bright colour clothing crying, was every where - people joked about how the deadly assassin was crying, saying she wasn’t as strong as everyone made her out to be because she cried. Y/n was undoubtedly the only person Nat felt comfortable with, the one person who saw Natasha as Natasha, not the Black Widow but her friend Natty. She was actually the first person in a very long time to see Nat cry, it was when the goldfish - that Y/n had brought her after she found out that Nat had always wanted one - had died, she felt so unbelievably stupid for crying over it but all Y/n did was hold her, told her to stop being silly for calling herself stupid. They buried it near the lake, just the two of them. Y/n even had bagpipes playing on her phone which made the redhead chuckle.

Wanda was called a crybaby because guess what? She was crying, she was crying because she was burying her best friend! The first person other than Steve to treat her like a human being. The first person to show her that not all people were bad, the one person who wasn’t scared of her that time when Wanda had lost control of her powers making people run in fear, not Y/n though nope she was the one who managed to help Wanda ground herself.

Steve was also mocked for crying for the loss of his friend, ‘Captain America weeps at funeral’, ‘Captain America is weak’, ‘Steve Rogers needs to give up the shield’. Y/n was the one who taught him how to use technology, showed him how the modern world worked and operated. She was the first person on his side when he wanted to track Bucky down. He loved her, not romantically, but he loved her so much. She made him feel normal, she never treat him like he was nearing a 100 years old who was missing 70 years of his life, like he actually was.

Sam just like the rest was called weak for crying at his friends funeral. The two of them drove the whole team insane when they were together (which was pretty much all the time) Like Steve he loved Y/n, she was his sister, his angel as he always called her. She was his best friend, favourite person in the world. The photo of Sam falling to his knees at the side of his angels grave was blasted all over the internet.

The photos of Tony clinging on to his now wife Pepper made front pages as well. ‘Billionaire Tony Stark cries at funeral of dead agent’. ‘Billionaire Tony Stark has to be held up by woman at funeral’. He saw Y/n as his daughter - shit she called him dad and he introduced her to anyone as his daughter. She didn’t see him as a bank, nope she hated it when he would give her money, one time she had to ask him if she could borrow money from him doing it with tears in her eyes because she felt ashamed of herself for asking. A few weeks later she gave him the money back with interest, when he told her to stop being silly and for her to keep it they argued for nearly 3 hours. She managed to slip the money into his pocket without him even realising it. Tony loved her so deeply, when he and Pepper found out they was having a baby girl they already had her name picked out - Morgan, Y/n’s middle name.

‘God of Thunder Thor spotted crying at funeral’ Like everyone else of course he was crying he lost his friend, she made him laugh, she made confused - once she convinced him that she was invisible and that he was the only person who could see or hear her, for 3 weeks he was absolutely convinced he was the only person on planet Earth who could see her. It wasn’t until Sam got back from a mission that the whole jig was up. He was truly captivated by her but even more so especially after she was able to lift Mjölnir higher up than Steve was able to, waved his hammer around like it weighed nothing. He, like Bucky, blamed himself for her death, he thought no believed it was his fault she was no longer with them. So yes of course he cried.

Bruce wasn’t allowed to attend his friends funeral because when she died he couldn’t control the big green beefy fella - as Y/n called him - from coming out. Fury and Ross said it would be bad and take the attention away from Y/n if the Hulk was there. He agreed. Y/n loved Hulk like she loved Bruce, she wasn’t afraid of the Hulk - Christ she once tried to have an arm wrestle with him! She didn’t once make Bruce feel like he was a freak or a dangerous monster as small minded people called him. No she treat him with respect and kindness. It took 2 months for him to go from being Hulk to being Bruce again.

Clint turned his hearing aids off for months after her death, he remembered her asking him to teach her how to sign language just so he didn’t have to always wear them. That was an interesting experience to say the very least. Clint adored her, adored the spark she carried around, adored the warmth and tranquillity she oozed. Her strength, willpower and willingness that no one could dream of having been one of the many things he loved about her, and what he misses. The day after she died he went home, home to his wife and children where he collapsed in Laura’s arms and cried himself to sleep that night. He too was mocked for being weak.

Then there was the photos of Bucky who was struggling to stand strong. ‘The world’s deadliest assassin cries’ was the headline on magazine’s for weeks or his personal favourite one ‘Winter Soldier more like Weak Soldier’ Like Nat he too was mocked because he wasn’t wearing all black but bright colours - hell they all were, it was what she wanted and whatever Y/n wanted, she got. Her death hit him the hardest. He loved her. He still loves her after 6 years of her being gone. ‘True love is what them two idiots have’ Tony would say. He blamed himself for what had happened to her, he had just turned his back for a second to hand a child to an agent when the whole building came down trapping her inside, he should of done more he always tells himself. Other than Steve she was his best friend, the one person who wasn’t afraid off his arm, the only person who could calm him down after a nightmare. She was the first person he opened up to and not once did she judge him or called him names, after he finished telling her all the things he remembered she got up and walked over to him and pulled him in for a hug, crying her heart out and apologising over and over again. The worst part for Bucky other than losing her was that he never got to tell her how madly in love he was with her. 

“It doesn’t make sense” Steve was the one who broke the silence.

“Which part?” Tony asks.

“Everything. The attack, Y/n’s file, Ross wanting her to be dug up. Nothing makes sense”

“We need to figure this out. We can’t let them do this to her” Sam shakes his head, whilst trying to keep the tears he was fighting back at bay.

“Fury let me into his thoughts. They think they’re trying to find out how to recreate her genes.” Wanda finally speaks.

Once again the room went quiet. Y/n back story was still a bit of a mystery to the team. It was just something she never spoke about, they knew of the scars that covered the majority of her body and they did know of her mutant gene and that was it. 

Y/n was exactly like Logan, better known as Wolverine. Though Logan’s a Beta level mutant whereas Y/n was an Alpha level, the only one of her kind. She had complete control over her abilities, her fighting skills were untouchable and unmatched. She was a part of the Weapon X program, when she was a young child she was taken from the orphanage she was placed at as a baby - and unknown to the team she was subjected to the worst abuse imaginable at the hands of The Facility. Unlike Logan though her Adamantium claws weren’t poisonous.

And what made Y/n even stronger was just like Wanda she had telekinesis abilities, though Y/n was a bit stronger than the other woman.

They didn’t know that Logan had found her when she was 16, with a chain wrapped around her neck that was connected to the wall, in a dark room that only had a toilet - nothing else. Logan had managed to get her out, which wasn’t easy considering she didn’t trust him and he wasn’t her handler. Logan kept her with him for roughly three years, moving around place to place, keeping each other safe. He was growing weak and unable to keep his promise to her, promise being he’d keep her safe. With a heavy heart he took her to Fury, begging the other man to take care of her. And since then she was a highly respected SHIELD agent and member of the Avengers.

They knew if Hydra were trying to recreate her genes they would have an army that would be unstoppable.

“But why dig her up? Hydra has her file so therefore they… they…”

“Tony? You okay?”

“Other than finding out my daughters grave will be disturbed, I’m fine”. He gets up and walks away.

One by one they follow his lead, leaving Bucky and Thor to blow out the candles - making the same wish as the previous years.

For her to come back.

The very next day they all gather at the cemetery and watched with a heavy heart as her grave gets dug up.

Three days later Fury gets a phone call “Fury you need to come to the Pentagon as soon as you can and don’t tell anyone”

“On my way”.

As soon as he got there he meets with Ross. “What’s all this about?”

“It’s not her”

“What are you talking about Ross?”

“Y/n… it’s not her in the coffin.”

“Hold on, you fucking lied to me you told me you wasn’t going to touch her!”

“Fury we brought a dead agent to the Pentagon for a reason”.

“A dead agent? Remember that dead agent saved you life how many times? Oh yeah six. Six fucking times she saved your arse Ross.” The anger coming off Fury made everyone in the room shift foot to foot.

“Sorry, we brought Y/n to the Pentagon for a reason”

“Why?”

“Simple. We wanted to make sure that they hadn’t gotten to her so we checked, and it’s not her. If-if you just look to your left Nick you’ll see the body that was in her coffin”

Fury stood there for a few minutes just staring at Ross before he looked over to where he had pointed. 

There laid the decaying body of a woman, that was most definitely not Y/n.

“H-how is this possible?”

“We don’t know. It’s a possibility that Hydra got her body first, but it doesn’t explain why they would put this person in her place”

“Or she could be alive?” Fury asked hopefully.

“She’s not” Ross puts a hand to Fury’s shoulder “I checked the footage of the attack and it’s not her, I asked some of the agents that could talk if the person had claws and they all said no” Ross hated himself for calling her ‘a dead agent’ even if she was just that, but like Fury had said, she saved his life more times than one. When Y/n was introduced to him, he had to admit he was intimidated by her. But as time went on they gained each others trust and respect.

“Fury you can’t tell the Winter Soldier about this”

“James. His name is James and you honestly expect me not to say anything to the team?”

“We have no idea how any of them will react, especially him and Thor”

He hated to admit that Ross did have a point, there was no idea how the two men who blamed themselves for her death, would react.

Sighing “What are we going to do?”

“I’m not sure. Let’s just hope and pray that they don’t have her I guess”.

The screams of pure terror coming from civilians were muffled by the gunfire and explosions, the bodies of civilians and SHIELD agents scattered amongst the wreckage. Hydra made another attack on the Capital.

The Avengers were able to stop Hydra agents from pushing further forwards. But when the ground started to shake they all looked at each other.

Both Steve and Bucky gulped at the sight of the Uber Tank, memories of seeing it during the war flashed through their minds.

“What the fuck is that!” Tony questioned.

“T-that’s Hydras Tank - I thought I destroyed it” Steve answers.

The rain pour of gunfire came to a stop on both sides, agents of Hydra smirked, agents of SHIELD looked terrified. The rumbling stopped, the only sound that could be heard was rubble still falling in the background.

When the hatch came open they waited with bated breath. Rumlow.

Brock Rumlow climbed up and out of the tank, standing on top with a megaphone.

“Do you like her? She’s a real beauty isn’t she? Took us longer than I care to admit to rebuild her but here she is!” He laughs “Hey so the attack the other week on your headquarters, sorry about that. We just needed something, take a wild guess what” Not receiving an answer he sighs and tilts his head to the side “It was to get your friends file! Jesus do I have to do all the work around here?”

“I’ve got a clean shot” Voiced Clint from where ever he was at.

“Not yet” Steve says.

“Truth to be told guys we didn’t need her file, we just wanted to give you a heads up to what was going to come” Waving his arms towards to chaos “I knew if we took her file it would get your attention, and it did didn’t it. I also know that her coffin was taken to the Pentagon, and I also know that Fury’s been keeping a secret from the almighty Avengers”

“What are you talking about?” Steve shouted.

Rumlow chuckles “It’s about time you spoke Captain America, the secret is… how about I just show you huh?” Stomping three times on the Uber Tank “Little bird why don’t you come out so you can play”

The hatch comes open again, a figure all in black - very similar outfit that the Winter Soldier use to wear - emerged and moving their way to stand next to Rumlow.

“Our little bird here is even stronger than she once was. We gave her the serum and it just enhanced her strength.” Moving closer to the person he whispers something none of them could hear. “Look I’ve gotta go, don’t worry I’ll be taking this beauty with me so no need to cry. I’ll let little bird have all the fun, she deserves it” Placing a kiss to the side of the woman’s head, he pushes her off. “Good luck everyone, you’re gonna need it” Climbing back into the tank, the tracks started to rumble once again before leaving the same way it came.

Nobody moved even long after Rumlow and the Uber Tank had gone. That was until some Hydra agents started to drop to the floor with foam spilling from their mouths.

Little bird as Rumlow called her took one step in front of the other until she was roughly 100 feet on the Avengers.

Her hand slowly came up to her face, removing the bottom half of her mask then the glasses.

They couldn’t believe it.

They didn’t want to believe it.

“Y/n?”

<Previous   Next>

Tags: @bethexo07 @doublebassallie

~ banner credit goes to @sweetpeapod ~

[twopoppies]

I don’t even know how to begin this, neither if it’s gonna make any sense at all. But I feel like I have to get it off my chest and scrolling through your blog made me feel like this is the right place to do so.

I never had any friends in the fandom. When I joined in 2017, barely in high school, they had already gone on hiatus. There were no more OT5 concerts to look forward it was all just videos and songs and memories of others that I got to enjoy and learned to cherish for myself.

Through the years since, there have been times where One Direction and all their solo work has pulled me up when I was down. Times when loneliness was overcome by watching hours of concerts videos and compilations on youtube - and they always made me smile. And also times where other things in life had more priority and I didn’t check into the fandom for months at times.

The first time I realised that what seemed to be the best time for us as fans was the absolute worst for them as artists, was when I watched that podcast interview of Liam a few years back. It was heartbreaking hearing it, and maybe that was also one moment where I realised I was no longer a naive teenage girl but on my way to adulthood.

I haven’t kept up with Liam or the other boys this year as much, but I always believed that whenever I really needed them, the boys will just always be there - maybe my mind immortalised them some way or other.

Seeing these news now, broke me on a level I didn’t expect and can’t even really explain. Hearing the accusations towards Liam and the man he seemingly became I don’t even know how to grieve.

How DO you grieve someone that brought you joy but at the same time acted in ways you just can’t condone with your values and beliefs?

Maybe what I am grieving the most is the lost chance of accountability and change. Mental illness is no joke and I know that a persons best version and worst version of themselves can be completely different. He should have gotten the chance to at least try again, to go to rehab and get better - to heal.

Before I went to bed tonight I tried to be brave and told my dad cause I just didn’t know how to handle it. I talked about Liams addiction and alcoholism and abuse, but I also talked about the music and the fact that I just feel like someone is missing and I don’t even know if I’m allowed to feel that way.

I’ll forever be grateful that all my dad did, was take me into his arms and comfort me. He didn’t laugh or called it a teenage obsession or said that it’s not right to grieve for someone who you didn’t even know personally.

All he said was that it’s okay to grieve cause it just showed that you cared. You can grieve for lost chances and for what a person once meant to you, even if they might not be quite that same person anymore (even if it seems a little selfish, grieving is always personal).

I hope he’s better now and doesn’t feel any of the pain he’s very obviously been holding in for however many years. My heart goes out to the people who really knew him - his family, his son, his friends and girlfriend, and the boys.

Sleep easy and rest in peace Liam 🕊️

Your dad sounds like a very sweet man. I'm glad he was there for you in the way that you needed him to be.

I don't know the answer to your questions, but I feel similarly that one of the things I'm most upset about is that he died before he had a chance to heal and make amends.

Everyone deserves a redemption arc, and I'm just angry that he wasn't allowed to have his.

[bish-plz-haha]

I need to vent; another tangent

I'm watching a video that is making me cry.

So there's a video I just found that was made after Dan Howell came out - back in 2019 or whenever it was - and there's a lot of videos online of Dan answering fan questions on live videos between 2013 and 2017 or whatever where people were constantly like "are you gay?". He used to get those a lot. There's also one video from a live where he is talking about how much he didn't like himself - if you know you know. His story when he came out really hit home for me - still does - but my mind completely forgot about the "I hate everything about myself, ask anyone who knows me" thing until I watched this video. Just, thinking back on a lot of that stuff, a lot of shit Dan has said has really hit home for me.

And I would like to say that Dan is a very aesthetically pleasing person to look at. Like he is a very gorgeous human being. And I'm not sure why but it's just really hitting home and just full on punching me in the face that Dan hated himself so much for so long and a lot of it was because of this thing that he had no control over. And through his childhood, he was told that this thing is a bad thing. As a person who has gone through the fear of questioning one's self, I'm thankful that I never dealt with that. I had people who supported me for who I was and never told me that I couldn't be this thing because it was bad. And to see this guy come out of nowhere - just sort of rise out of the ashes - and be like, "I'm here." But still hate himself so much and try to supress a part of himself and yet have all these people just hounding him and pointing out this thing he hates about himself.

As a part of the phandom, I was never one of those people. I will say that with confidence. I just kind of kept to the shadows, as I do today. I didn't care if he was gay, straight, an alien, a worm - my point is it never mattered to me. And it still doesn't matter to me someone's sexuality. But it just hit me tonight, hard, that the incredible Daniel Howell hated himself for so long over something he couldn't control. And people were constantly hounding him about this thing he was trying to hide about himself... and now he's happy. I mean, happy enough to be who he really is. He's been dealing with depression for a long time, I know, but he's able to be here and be queer.

The recent gaming channel videos have been getting me. Dan has been laughing - genuinely laughing. And just being himself. And it brings me a lot of joy. I just really fucking love Dan.

If I ever get a chance to meet @danielhowell I just wanna tell him how proud of him I am. I've been watching Dan and Phil for, god, 10 years now and I remember a lot of these moments that Dan has had on his livestreams. I was there. And it's only now just hitting me. It's been 4, almost 5, years since Dan came out. And as a fan of his: I'm proud.

I'm so very proud of him and his journey to self acceptance. I love Dan so much, and maybe it's because I've related to him a lot in my life, but I absolutely love Dan - and I will say this as many times as I need to. He's an inspiration. And I wish I could tell him.

[lord-aldhelm]

About Me

Since somebody (who shall go unnamed) told me I talk too much about Aldhelm, I wanted to make a post about this.

Like, you know that there is more to me than this right? Like this man and TLK is my obsession but there is so much more to me than just this. It has become an important part of my life, a hobby and an obsession, and I feel like my life has become all the richer for it. I have gone WAY out of my comfort zone in so many ways because of this fandom and have done so many things that I never would have even considered because of it. And have met so many amazing and wonderful people and made some (hopefully) lifelong friends from this. Like it has seriously enriched my life way beyond my ordinary day to day hum-drum bullshit and I am eternally thankful for it.

I am 43 years old. I am married and have two cats (they are my kids lol). I was a veterinary technician (or veterinary nurse depending on your language) for over 16 years before it took such a toll on my physical and mental health that I had to quit. I do my art full time now, so I mostly stay at home. A good friend got me into doing pet portraits in 2017 so that has been my focus, although I also do original paintings, mostly of animals, that I sell online as art prints and merch (like stickers, blankets, totes, t-shirt designs, puzzles, etc). It is not a livable income but it is a nice supplement, and I can relax and work at my own pace and not get stressed out.

When I am not doing that we like to take walks in the forests near our house, go out and explore the local area, take little trips, watch TV and movies together, you know all those kinds of things. I love gardening and yard work, and can't wait until the weather warms so I can get more work done in our gardens. I am somewhat handy and can do some repairs around the house, which is a good thing because this house has a lot of issues.

I love to read, and am reading a book called "Hild" right now by Nicola Griffith, which takes place in the 7th century Britain. I have learned a lot about the Anglo-Saxon time period because of TLK and it has intrigued me to learn more about early British history. I also LOVE fantasy, especially Lord of the Rings and Neil Gaiman. I don't have a big collection of books but I get more all the time!

I love fantasy and Ghibli movies, and have a nice little collection of DVD's that we like to rewatch. I would love to do some fanart from LOTR and Princess Mononoke, and now that I feel more comfortable drawing people I may do so.

Maybe I draw Aldhelm a lot, but that is just because I love drawing him so much... I honestly don't have a lot of time to do personal art and when I do I want to do something that I love. And drawing him relaxes me and makes me very happy. And not only that it has taken me outside my comfort zone to do a subject that I typically don't draw, and gets me acquainted with drawing textures that I am unfamiliar with, like cloth, chainmail, human hair, skin, and metal. I have learned a lot in the past year doing these drawing and I will continue for a very long time. I might do other things if I feel up to it, but drawing him has become a cornerstone of my creativity and I will not stop.

I am sorry that I like to talk about TLK and Aldhelm a lot... when I am passionate about something I don't let up. I just don't want anyone to think this is ALL I do and I am one dimensional.

[pcttrailsidereader]

Ending an Era

The Pacific Crest Trail has been an important part of my life since I first learned about the PCT in 1979 when I read Eric Ryback’s account of his early thru-hike.  In the summer of 1981, I arranged to take a month-long leave from work and, along with Howard Shapiro and Jim Peacock, walked the Washington PCT.  This experience solidified a life-long relationship with both ‘Rocky’ and ‘Pierre’ and a commitment to complete the trail.  This history and deep friendship is the subject of “Breaking the PCT Speed Record” that I included in Crossing Paths: A Pacific Crest Trailside Reader.

For years I worked to balance my career and family commitments with my goal of finishing the trail.  It meant that there were often significant gaps in my time on the trail until I retired in 2008.  But, I was always thinking about the PCT.

During our section hikes, we each would take a book often with some connection with the PCT and the environment.  A couple of years before my retirement, it became clear to me that the pantheon of PCT literature was dominated by the accounts of thru-hikers.  Missing were anthologies that brought together classic environmental literature, historical accounts related to the PCT and its antecedents, and stories reflecting the diversity of trail experiences.  The idea of curating such an anthology was a vision that Corey Lewis, a colleague at Humboldt State University, and I came to share.  Corey, a member of the English faculty who specialized in environmental literature and had authored Reading the Trail: Exploring the Literature and Natural History of the California Crest, knew far more than I about this literature.  I had a more current connection with the hiker community and, upon retirement, had more time to contribute.

We initially focused on the trail in California and prepared a proposal that we sent to several publishers.  We were delighted to receive an offer from The Mountaineers Books but on the condition that we would release the California volume and the Oregon/Washington volume at the same time.  We accelerated our efforts and by fall, 2011, The Pacific Crest Trailside Reader: California and The Pacific Crest Trailside Reader: Oregon/Washington were available (and remain in print).

With the increasing ease of hikers authoring on-line blogs and websites, trail journals, and the growth of the PCTA, we became aware of just how many hikers and trail angels and those who loved the trail had stories to tell.  Concurrent with the release of the books, I began www.pcttrailsidereader.com.   I would search the internet for photos and stories from the trail and ask to post them on the website.  When out on the PCT, I would encourage people to contribute to the website.

In 2017, my friend and hiking partner, Howard Shapiro agreed to join me as co-editor of this website.  He provided an infusion of energy for the website and, with his enthusiasm, we again proposed another anthology to The Mountaineers Books that would focus exclusively on the stories of hiker/writers in the period since the Trailside Readers had been published.  In early 2022, Crossing Paths: A Pacific Crest Trailside Reader was released.

By this time both Howard and I had finished the trail.  Since, we have tried our hand at other adventures with our third, Jim Peacock – the Long Trail in Vermont, the Colorado Trail, and soon the Boundary Waters in northern Minnesota.  We have tried our hands, with our spouses, on trails in England, Spain, Portugal, Australia, Nepal, and elsewhere.  And now, there have been some 2,000 posts on the website.

We’re both over 70 and finding that we are increasingly disconnected with the people and events on the PCT.  I find that I don’t have the interest in doing what needs to be done to drive readership to the website . . . pushing content to new social media platforms.  Although there continue to be important PCT stories to be told and trends to observe, I hope that there will be a new generation of passionate hikers prepared to collect those stories.

We have had a great run over the past 13 years.  We still love the PCT and consider walking it one of the great American experiences.  It deserves to be protected for generations to come.  Efforts like ours help to build public awareness about the PCT and a broad recognition that it is worth preserving.  We hope that others will step forward to fill any void that we might leave.

I end by acknowledging that we may still periodically post but it will be sporadic.  The PCT is part of our DNA.  It has been a thread that has connected my youth with my old age, my career and family.  My experiences on the trail had helped to build my character and my values and a number of lifelong friendships.  Thank you.

With much gratitude,

Rees Hughes

[msbeth313]

November 6, 2024

I have struggled all day to put my thoughts into words. I would like to say that I am surprised that this country has once again chosen a man over a more qualified woman for president. What I am surprise about is that people not only saw this man for who he is—a misogynist, racist, homophobe, xenophobe, and anti-intellectual, from his first term as president, and thought it was better than a woman. A woman who is arguably the most qualified candidate for president ever, having served the past four years as vice president. Kamala Harris has served as Attorney General of California from 2011-2017, U.S. Senator from California from 2017-2021. And these were all after being a District Attorney in San Fransisco from 2002-2011.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is the only president ever to have been impeached twice, attempted to incite a coup, and has been found guilty on 34 felonies and has been found liable for rape. His former cabinet members cautioned the public numerous times about his unfitness for office and his fascist ambitions. He has called those in the miliary and gold star families (those who have lost family members while in the field of battle) “Suckers and losers.” He has made “friends” with dictators like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un. I won’t even talk about how many people died under his incompetence during the Covid pandemic.

I was talking with my mom earlier this evening. I live with my mom, who will be 80 years old next year. I pretty much take care of her since my dad passed away in 2020 and she cannot live alone due to various issues with arthritis and neuropathy in her feet that makes her mobility compromised and she no longer drives. My mom lives on social security, her pension and my dad’s pension. It really is not all that much. I have been attempting to find a job myself that allows me to work from home or at least work close to home to be available in case she needs me. I was supposed to start a job this week, but it turned out being a fake.

I keep applying to jobs and not having any luck and you cannot tell me that under Trump things will be better. I also thought at some point in my life that I would have become a parent by this time in my life. I know that people are having kids nowadays in their 40’s like I am now, but honestly, now, there is just no way ever. Maybe if, somehow in the future if I get a good paying job, have my own home, do not have to take care of my mom, I would adopt, but the idea of bringing my own child into this world, into a world where Trump is president, where he will put RFK Jr. in charge of the health department (if you have no idea who he is or what he’s about, LOOK HIM UP, its terrifying for anyone who cares about children’s health). People who support Trump and other MAGA supporters may believe that they have won. They may feel that they have “gotten their country back.” But I feel that they will truly be surprised when they feel the effect of a second Trump administration. He has told us that he will be a dictator on day one. The only people who will benefit financially will be those who make more than $400,000 a year. It is not financially feasible to deport all of these “illegals” (by the way, NO ONE IS ILLEGAL, everyone is a HUMAN BEING, there is nothing more dehumanizing than calling someone an “Illegal”).

This is how Nazi Germany started. People thought Hitler was doing something “good for the country” at first too.

[foxes-that-run]

Two Ghosts

In 5 - 7 minutes of Behind the Album there is footage of Harry working on the melody, lyrics and recording two ghosts in Jamaica in late 2016. He goes on to moving from 1D where his personal life was overexposed and wanting to write music that was successful without people knowing about his personal life. He has made a similar comment to Rolling Stone “I don’t know much about Van Morrison’s life, but I know how he felt about this girl, because he put it in a song. So I like working the same way.”

When was it written

On it's release in May 2017 Harry said it was written “almost 4 years ago now”. in Summer 2013, Midnight Memories had his first writing credits, Happily and Something Great, Style was not written then. While possible, Two Ghosts is more mature. I think he thought he “wrote too many songs about” her and changed the time.

By 2019 he'd moved on and he told Rolling Stone it was written for Made in the AM. (Summer, 2015.) That places it with Walking on the wind, if I could fly, Olivia and Perfect, which also refer to 1989. FTDT and Woman are the same period, but don’t have lyrics that ID them like two ghosts.

To me, Two Ghosts is about reflecting on a lost love. The premise os the song reflects the Style MV which has Harry and Taylor shot in a ghostly way. The Style MV was released Valentines Day 2015, the anniversary of them getting together in 2014.

It has only been played live once since 2018, on Valentines Day 2020, further indicated it may have been written on Valentines Day 2015. Harry choose it over Golden when promoting Fine Line on Radio 2's Valentines Show in 2020, (16 mins), the only time it's been played in 4 years now. Harry also played Joni Mitchell’s yellow taxi which Joni tweeted about the anniversary of.

1D was in Australia, HS was flat. Style was #6, named after him and with footage is intentionally reminiscent. Even more interesting that we never saw the Two Ghosts MV, though Taylor referenced it in Me!'s.

On holding it back to be Solo

From Rolling Stone: "Sometimes if you’re, like, telling a really personal story, then the voice changes every few lines; it doesn’t quite do the same thing. As the songs got more personal, I think I just became more aware that at some point there might be a moment where I would want to sing it myself.”

"A turning point was “Two Ghosts,” a ballad from his solo debut. “’Two Ghosts’ I wrote for the band, for Made in the A.M. But the story was just a bit too personal. As I started opening up to write my more personal stuff, I just became aware of a piece of me going, ‘I want to sing the whole thing.’ Now I look at a track list and these are all my little babies. So every time I’m playing a song, I can remember writing it, and exactly where we were and exactly what happened in my life when I wrote it."

Questions on who it’s about

Nick Grimshaw asked Harry (at 4:38) if it was about Taylor. Media trained, 5 year seasoned TS question dodger, Harry had an adorable reaction. He and Nick are friends, he’s being coy and laughing, answering “I think it’s pretty self explanatory” adding “I think it’s about, sometimes things change, and you can do all the same things, and sometimes it’s just different, you know? 2017, Philosopher, London, England.” Then he laughs and dances around.

Lyrics

Same lips red, same eyes blue Same white shirt, couple more tattoos But it's not you and it's not me Tastes so sweet, looks so real Sounds like something that I used to feel But I can't touch what I see

The song clearly references Style, the music video for which was filmed in November 2014 while they were together and released in February 2015 after they broke up while he was in Australia.

The video is meant to be something he used to feel, that looks real but he can’t touch. It shows Taylor and Harry-stand-in with projections, playing with light and it’s interspersed with home video footage. The footage is thought to be shot in part by Harry, or at least wearing outfits she was pictured with him in.

We're not who we used to be We're not who we used to be We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

In the chorus moves from the reminder of the Video to the memory. Reflecting on looking at an idealised version of his relationship that’s now broken up and he’s grieving.

Taylor had referred to Harry as a ghost in How You Get The Girl “Stand there like a ghost shaking from the rain”

The fridge light washes this room white Moon dances over your good side And this was all we used to need Tongue-tied like we've never known Telling those stories we already told 'Cause we don't say what we really mean

In the second verse Harry reflects on their downfall, a lack of communication.

Taylor refers to herself as tongue-tied in Message in a bottle on Red “and I became hypnotised/ by freckles and bright eyes, tongue tied”

Harry later refers to being still tongue-tied in Sunflower Vol 6. Taylor also sang about not saying what the mean in Wish you Would: “You think I'm gonna hate you now / ‘Cause you still don't know what I never said”

We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

This may refer to being emotionally depleted, as in Ever Since New York: "Brooklyn saw me, empty at the news / There's no water inside this swimming pool"

Or it could refer to being in an ever shrinking microscope, Taylor later used a Snowglobe and Fishbowl in the Lover Video to represent being on display together.

[rainbowdaisy13]

Well , I mean yall believe random ppl, as long as they put a little emoji behind their message and send it to the straight woman who thinks she is the ruler here, right? Ever wonder why the straight woman gets all the special visitors? Little curious don’t you think?

Please leave @spade-riddles the fuck alone—she has never forced anyone to view the Anons, she’s never claimed the Anons are specific people, she posts what she gets, and is transparent about what she is told to do or not do with them

I’ve been here since 2017 and the amount of hate Spade has gotten based on the whims of the fandom pisses me the fuck off. She has always been lovely and responsive to me and my many questions as a baby Gaylor back in the day

It seems very evident that every time the Anons prove to have predicted something , yall almost die of jealousy

Also someone being straight is the dumbest fucking point I’ve ever seen—GTFO of here with that—we are here to support Taylor and Karlie and their life together regardless of race sex or gender you absolute dolt

[mariacallous]

At 3 o’clock on a Monday afternoon in October, 2017, a car driven by Daphne Caruana Galizia – Malta’s most famous and influential journalist, and my mother – exploded. She had barely made it out of the lane leading to our house in Bidnija, a lonely hamlet in northwest Malta, when a bomb detonated from under her seat. She was 53 years old.

Everybody read Daphne. She was the first woman in the country to write a political column, and the first person to sign their own name to one. Over 30 years, she investigated presidents, prime ministers and opposition leaders. In a country of around half a million people, her personal blog received as many visits a day, and more than a million during election campaigns – a greater number than the combined circulation of Malta’s daily newspapers.

And for her efforts to expose corruption, she became increasingly demonized and isolated. My two brothers and I grew up thinking it was normal for her to be sued and slandered, to have police officers stationed at the gates of her garden haven of olive and citrus trees, either to guard her or to arrest her. It became part of our daily routine to watch her check the underside of her car for explosives before taking us to school.

The first attempt on her life happened when I was a teenager. I was out with friends and came home at 2:30 in the morning to find the house on fire with her inside it. At school the following Monday, I was told that it was irresponsible of my mother to have let me stay out so late. I remember thinking: There’s a problem in Malta, and it isn’t my mother.

As the Maltese officials she wrote about went from taking bribes from drug traffickers in old Malta to soliciting them from oligarchs in our rapidly globalizing country, my mother graduated from reporting on low-level graft to covering corruption on an international scale. The sums multiplied into the hundreds of millions, with the criminal networks stretching from Panama to post-Soviet states – and under the strain of these illicit inflows, Malta fell apart. Its rickety institutions, never properly reformed since decolonization from the United Kingdom in 1964, nor since its accession to the European Union in 2004, left my mother completely vulnerable in a culture of virtually unchallenged impunity.

At the time of her murder, she was in the midst of reporting on how Malta’s energy minister and the prime minister’s chief of staff had opened shell companies, registered in Panama, within days of their party’s election in 2013. After her death, a group of journalists, working under the banner of the Daphne Project, pursued her work, reporting that the shell companies were set to receive €150,000 a month through a corrupt energy deal between Malta’s government, Azerbaijan and a Maltese businessman. Six years after her death, however, there have been no convictions of any of the people my mother exposed; most haven’t even been prosecuted. The institutions that were meant to enforce the law in Malta have been systematically underresourced, cowed and subjected to political interference.

In the face of international pressure, enough police work was done to arrest four men in connection with carrying out her assassination. All have since confessed; three are serving time and one was pardoned in exchange for giving evidence. Yet it has taken years of campaigning by my family, activists and ordinary civilians outraged by her death to get Malta to mount its first public inquiry, which concluded that the state was responsible for her death. As of this writing, another four men, including the Maltese businessman, are awaiting trial for her murder – but no one has been prosecuted over the corrupt energy deal, nor over any of my mother’s other major stories.

My mother’s assassination wasn’t just a tragedy for my family; it was also a bellwether. After her death, I became a journalist in Britain, a place that has long prided itself on its democratic, rules-based order. But from the vantage point of my own reporting, which mainly focuses on fraud and political corruption, I can see that there’s a problem that goes well beyond Malta. Boris Johnson – with his cronyism and patronage, with his polarizing effect on the electorate, with his moneyed politics and hollowing out of Britain’s ancient institutions, and with his officials’ treatment of journalists – was just one example pointing to a worrying picture for democracies everywhere.

The malfeasance in tiny Malta, which my mother devoted her life to bringing to light – and which ultimately killed her – reflects emerging rot in Western democracies. When a country’s institutions are deprived of their independence or starved of resources, and when the journalists who expose corruption are harassed, intimidated and abused, that country’s democracy will vanish. In Malta, six years ago, it took the car bombing of the country’s most famous journalist in broad daylight to start to turn the tide. I hope it will not take more death to awaken everyone else to this growing threat around the world.

[littleapocalypsekitten]

Something I've been thinking of lately in regards to how much I mistrust people. This time, politically. Alright, I know enough that Conservatives Cannot Be Trusted. Even the "mild" ones who aren't full-bore MAGA kind of truck with them, share like-mindedness, even if the milder ones might not like a big orange blowhard because of optics. He's making them look bad by yelling the quiet parts out loud, but those parts are still there. However, I am thinking that Leftists Cannot Be Trusted, either. I truck much more on that side of the political aisle. I want Universal Healthcare more than anything. I'd like to break the backs of corporations. I want to give everyone free homes and utilities as a basic human right. Even a Universal Basic Income might be nice. Work for the luxuries and a higher standard of living, but no one starves. (Hunger doesn't drive people to work, starving people are too weak to work). I am very much on the same page with not just the "liberal" values, but even some things that are considered outright leftist. But I do look askance, sort of have a feeling of looking over my shoulder because of some things I hear from self-proclaimed Leftists and some of the historical leans they've had. I mean, first of all, some of the people I've seen on Youtube are pretty abelist, actually. I see a lot of throwing around of the r-word and poking at people for being autistic. (Granted, even if you're making fun of Elon Musk, it leaves a bad taste in the mouth). There's a lot of down-punching on people with any kind of psychiatric condition (but that's nothing new, the entire world, right, center and left does that, it's just that the left pretends that they don't do it and do it, anyway). There's even someone I talk to on a forum who has severe kidney disease and takes dialysis who has been told in response to pointing out that the aftermath of a Revolution is going to leave things a mess for good while, the kind of mess where he cannot get access to medical care that he should be willing to die for the Revolution. He does not want to die for their idea of a Revolution. People who claim to want to ultimately save people like him are ultimately telling him that he needs to die. Another thing that makes me nervous is just how many "reddit atheists" / "fedora atheists" are self-proclaimed uber-leftists. There is nothing wrong with being an atheist. You do you. I'm theistic in my beliefs, but I don't believe in eternal conscious torment Hell - I gave up being an Evangelical when that belief and being a spiritual used car salesman wasn't working out for me. Still, yes, even though I haven't been to church in decades, I have some religious beliefs. They're a personal method of getting through life for me, nothing less, nothing more. I was very online in the 2000s, including on religious fora. These places got a lot of trolls. I encountered a lot of AGGRESSIVE attempts at deconversion. A lot of leftists were of this stripe and wove their politics into it. It seems like "that crowd" since 2017 or so, split off into two factions: The guys who followed the rather blatant Islamaphobia of certain popular authors and listened to junk about women being "more religious" and therefore inferior because of our soft, tender ladybrains, a fear of trans people and the like getting them really alt-right and in bed with some of the Christian fundamentalist people they used to despise and... those that stayed leftist, went even harder leftist and anti-capitalist and actually started to recognize that Progressive religionists exist and are good allies in the fight against common enemies. They took off their fedoras and got to work in allyship against those who oppress minorities and the poor. Good for us all. However, I look at these same people sometimes and I think, "Alright, once we achieve a more equitable world together, if it is even possible, are you actually a leopard that's going to eat my face?"

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[nerdygaymormon]

Lift+Love featured ME!

David Doyle has become a familiar name at the LDS-LGBTQ intersection. Some may have heard his poignant thoughts as a guest on a gamut of podcasts or at his Instagram site, @nerdygaymormon. Many have read his essay about how to better support the marginalized in Christian Kimball’s recent book, Living on the Inside of the Edge. And Lift and Love followers may recognize him as the facilitator of the Over 30 LGBTQ+ monthly support group. 

As a 52-year-old single gay man who serves as his Florida stake’s executive secretary, David appreciates that his unique status has granted him a plethora of interactions with general authorities—some after stake meetings, and some via invitation for David to meet them at church headquarters. While he doesn’t lead such introductions with his orientation, he says it doesn’t take long for it to come up when he’s typically asked about his lack of a wife and kids. And he doesn’t hold back when asked to share his thoughts about being asked to walk an extra difficult path in the church. David recognizes these interactions seem to be beneficial for both parties as he is able to share his unique perspective, and in turn often feels ministered to. He’s grateful that most with whom he speaks grant permission for him to share his notes from these “sacred conversations” in an effort to improve understanding.

David did not come out publicly until a 2017 blog post went viral that he now calls “the most important moment of my life.” In it, he shared that when he first came out to Elder Joaquin Costa, he was told, “Dear Brother, the church has much to offer you, and you have much to contribute to the church.” David decided one thing he could offer was his personal experience. 

While speaking to member of the Seventy, Elder Vern Stanfill, David explained how he is not able to complete the covenant path, and that has affected how he worships. He explained his observation that many in the church see Jesus as a secondary means to an end who allows them to be sealed to their spouse and see grandma again. But David shared, “For me, since I can’t be sealed and have those promises made to other members, I focus on Jesus. Seeking a relationship with Him first has been transformational for me. I also shared that queer people in the church hear a lot of negative, rejecting messages. We’re children of God and we deserve to feel hope and love and hear good news; that doesn’t happen enough.”

When Elder Kevin Hamilton asked David what he thinks his life and eternity will look like, David expressed that people seek answers to questions like that by coming to church, but queer people find far fewer answers. “I believe I’m included in God’s plan, but not so much the church’s version of that plan.” When David was then told that authority knew several people who “changed and no longer experience same-sex attraction,” David explained how he, too, had grown up being taught that if he had enough faith, God would change him. “I tried my very best, but my best was never good enough… I was always deficient, and it felt so defeating. I felt like if I couldn’t be good enough, then what was the point? That was very damaging. But fortunately, I got an answer to my prayer: ‘You are not broken’.”

David has always been impressed by the loving heart of Elder Dale Renlund, and how he invites his wife to join him at many speaking engagements--even turning the mic over to her entirely when the audience is predominately female. David is related to Sister Renlund, and at a recent lunch with the two when David asked their opinions on supporting LGBTQ friends and family members, Elder Renlund replied, “I can go to a gay wedding to show I love and support them. I’m not there to participate in that choice--I’m not marrying a man; he is. I’m going to show up as my authentic self, and I expect them to be their authentic self. I prefer to meet with people who are being authentic and not pretending to be someone they aren’t.”

Of all his conversations with general authorities, David says perhaps his favorite happened when one top church leader excitedly told him how a distraught father had approached the leader and said he didn’t know what to do when his daughter came out as a lesbian. The leader proudly told David he responded to the father by saying, “It’s going to be alright. I have a friend named David who taught me that love is what’s important. Keep loving her as you always have. She’s the one who has to make hard choices. Don’t make your relationship and love another difficult choice for her.”

While opening up to leaders and his very affirming stake president (who is the father of a gay son and hosts a bimonthly LGBTQ support group at his home) have been positive experiences, David says it hasn’t always been sunshine and rainbows. David’s parents met at BYU, married in the temple, and raised their seven kids in the church. His family moved often in David’s youth, forcing him to rely on family over friends as constants. While David sensed his attractions from a young age, he says his family never said anything supportive of gay people and tended to not talk about hard things. To keep his sense of safety intact, he stayed quiet, only confiding in a handful of people.

When David finally came out publicly at age 46, some family members were immediately supportive, while others expressed more conditional love, saying that David’s continued church attendance would affect his affiliation with their individual families. David’s parents are supportive of his life in many ways, but this is still a subject they tend to avoid. David thinks this is probably because his mother sees his orientation as an upset to her vision of eternal families. Several of David’s nieces and nephews have engaged in conversations and asked him questions, especially as they have queer friends; and he loves to be there for them.

After earning his MBA from the University of Florida, David took a job as a research administrator at the University of South Florida in Tampa, where he has been for 18 years. David says, “It’s fun to work at a beautiful campus with a fight song, mascot, and team to cheer for,” and he likes knowing that what he does goes to the greater good of acquiring and spreading knowledge. But living in Florida, David has felt the political tension as of late as the governor has championed anti-LGBTQ legislation. He says, “The last two years, it’s felt like we’re moving backwards and many don’t feel safe… if we continue on this path (of stripping DEI programs and minimizing rights and protections), I worry what the future holds. I feel like we have to be on guard now.” David joined friends at a drag show recently, and for the first time, saw protestors outside, and observed his friends were checking out evacuation routes at the venue, just in case.  

David recognizes that the church can be a wonderful community for those who fit the mold but, “being a queer member is a hard space in which to exist.” He says this is why it took so long to come out and begin exploring his identity. “Before being out, I spent a lot of energy and time worrying about if I said or did this or that, would people pick up that I’m gay. But now I can choose clothes I actually like to wear or do activities I never would have considered before. I used to experience a lot of dissonance because of how differently I presented myself to others compared to how I viewed myself, but once I was out – that difference went away. I became more confident, and people seemed to notice. Also, now I know people like me for me, and that’s a huge relief and blessing. I used to worry that if people knew the real me, they would reject me, which meant even the friendships and love I had from others always felt tenuous. Being able to authentically be me and express my thoughts and feelings is so freeing.” David also values now being able to meet with health professionals to seek help for a variety of conditions he’s suffered over the years including low self-esteem, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, internalized homophobia, a social anxiety disorder, and an eating disorder. “Being out meant I could begin healing.”

David takes seriously his role as an unofficial consultant to several ward leaders in his stake who have asked how they can be more inclusive and sensitive to the needs of LGBTQ members. When queer members contact David directly, he says, “I do my best to try to be the person I wish I had in my life when younger. I try to express God’s love for them, and encourage them in their path forward, whatever that looks like. Sometimes just having a person who truly knows what its like to be you is important.” David feels his stake’s LGBTQ support group is an exceptional strength and opportunity to commune with others who understand. The group includes gay members even in their 70s and 80s who have chosen to remain active in the church, and is an opportunity for the stake’s queer members to feel seen and supported and to find friends who understand their experience in a way few others do.

When David was processing his internalized homophobia in therapy, he consulted with his stake president about the possibility of dating men while maintaining his calling and temple recommend. Together they went through the church handbook to be clear which lines, if crossed, could alter his church status. They determined that the same opportunities and limits extended to an unmarried straight couple apply to David. But with dating, David says he has often felt “like a teen in a man’s world because it’s not LDS-land here in Florida, so I tend to just stick to first and maybe second dates.” David says if he did find love one day, he would pursue it.

Through all this, David says, “I’ve become more and more certain the two great commandments are what’s really important in life. Being vulnerable and seen, binding hearts together and treasuring each other, building each other, being there for hard times – that’s the hard work. We need to see the humanity and divinity in each other. Zion is a community, and we need to extend the borders of our community to be welcoming and inclusive of all our Heavenly Parents’ children.”

[danphantom]

oh hey i wanna talk abt smth thats been on my mind both lately and on and off for a while in general. sorry this ended up being a hella long post lol. but i have a lot to say

so...for context, ive been in the phandom for 10 years--since 2014--though it has admittedly been on and off in terms of engagement from me. in 2017 i got into dragon ball and all but dropped danny phantom completely with a few small drawings here and there. it was only like..within the past week that i actually got back into the phandom legitimately again, actively making art and posts about it and engaging with the source material and etc

anyway, i was obsessed with dp from 2014-late 2017 (until i got into dbz). i made lots and lots of fanart, played the gba games like all the damn time (i got to where i could speedrun tue lol), rewatched the show regularly...i was even one of those fans that bought obscure merch and learned useless trivia that ive since forgotten. in 2015 a lot of you may remember that i made @doppelgangercomic, a comic about an au i had where dan got a redemption arc (albeit a bumpy one) and future vlad was there and stuff happened (go read the comic LOL). it got a LOT of love and traction! it made me really happy to see all the positivity around my work like that :) i actually got a lot of positive responses towards my work in general. i had a really great time in the phandom back then

then i changed fandoms and kinda fell out of the phandom space. after being on a hiatus from the phandom until literally a week ago, i honestly have to say ive felt like i kind of...faded into obscurity in the phandom's eyes? basically i feel like old news. people dont generally know what doppelganger is now. they may have seen my art in passing here and there but they dont know who i am anymore. i think the only place people actively still find my old danny phantom art from when i was heavily active is...deviantart lol. i get notifications from favorites literally every day there. but uh anyway--im not saying this to garner pity or tell a sob story or anything! im just expressing some thoughts and feelings ive had for a long time lol.

the reason i bring this ^ up though, is because like...i know its not true? logically, i know that i DID make an impact in the fandom i loved/love so so much. i left my mark on both the fandom in an artistic sense, and also the people in the fandom, and sometimes i forget that because i get significantly less engagement on my posts than i used to. but i know that doesnt mean that people dont like my stuff anymore, or that ive been forgotten.

i actually got a message from someone today--a friend i made kinda recently who approached me bc they liked doppelganger actually. they told me that basically its surreal to them that theyre talking to me as a friend because they remember reading doppelganger when they were younger and looking up to me because of it. and it really reminded me of what i said previously--ive not been forgotten, and people still do appreciate and love what ive put out into the world (specifically about danny phantom in this case). ive made an impact on people's lives even when i dont realize it or see it physically. the message and sentiment made me feel really really good and nice and happy and honestly relieved, because the phandom and danny phantom as a media has been an extremely important and impactful part of my life ever since i got into it ten years ago. i literally changed my name to dan because of it lol. it was the reason i found stephen silver's work and went down that path of my art journey. its the reason i found so many amazing people and friends and artists and continue to do that even now. i owe a lot to danny phantom and the phandom as a whole, and i try to give back in the only ways i know how--mainly thru showing my passion through my art and posts.

anyway erm. yeah. all of this to say i wanted to thank yall--the phandom--for supporting me all this time, whether youve been with me from the beginning or if youre just joining me recently. youve been an absolute delight in my life and i know youll continue to be for a long time. :)

[nicklloydnow]

Soren Kierkegaard by Mike Newton (2017)

“Dewey: Do you remember the first book by Kierkegaard which you read?

Percy: Yes, it was his first one: Either/Or. I remember thinking that this was going to be an easy one because of the section on "The Diary of the Seducer" in there. I'd been reading that the existentialists claimed him as their intellectual progenitor, so I was expecting something as accessible as Sartre's plays and novels or Marcel's plays. It was very difficult to read. I thought it was a hopeless undertaking.

So after trying that I tried a couple of other things. Sickness unto Death is a great title but I found myself in difficulty all over again. It is very difficult to read. Repetition is difficult. But I had almost given up when I skipped to Concluding Unscientific Postscript. Either I had read somewhere or somebody had told me that that book had the most direct kind of communication. And fortunately, perhaps because I had had such trouble before, I had no difficulty. I could read that straight through. It was, to me, the real open door into Kierkegaard.

Of course, there is no trouble reading the Edifying Discourses since they are very homiletic in nature. But that wasn't what I was after, really.

Dewey: Kierkegaard's ideas on despair and the self from Sickness unto Death - how despair permeates society and how the individual struggles with this seem to come through a lot in your novels.

Percy: I worked hard on Sickness unto Death. I knew he was getting at something very important, very important to me, and I finally got it. Strangely enough, the harder you work at it the more important it seems to be to you when you finally do understand what he is getting at.

The whole history of my reading Kierkegaard consists of repeated attempts of reading and then frustration, leaving it alone and then coming back to it and reading it again. I'd read Postscript then go back and try to read Repetition, because in Postscript he would sum up all the works and the different stages. I would read about the stages and then go back and try to read Kierkegaard's book, Stages on Life's Way - which I never did like as well as the description of the stages in Postscript. So really Postscript was a kind of oasis. I'd go back there to get straight on things, gather more energy, and get up nerve - then take out into the desert to try to figure out Kierkegaard's pseudonymous writings.

So reading Kierkegaard is like growing up; it takes a long time, many years, a lot of work. And I still can't say that I have read him thoroughly or even completely.

(…)

Dewey: Did you talk to other people about Kierkegaard?

Percy: There was nobody to talk to.

(…)

Dewey: I am wondering about Kierkegaard's opposition to the idea of "going beyond" Christianity into some kind of vague, humanistic mysticism. Hegel went beyond Christianity to a general humanism, blending all specific religions together into an absolute religion. It seems that in all your novels there is someone who wants to go beyond Christianity.

Percy: Yes. But not just going beyond it. I would say that Christianity was absolutely the last solution they would have accepted.

They would begin by eliminating Christianity, and not even consider it as a viable alternative. My own development, and it is also important in the novels, has been a relationship to humanism - humanism understood as a non-Christian humanism, a secular, scientific humanism. I suppose the great bombshell with me was the famous passage of Kierkegaard's describing Hegel as the philosopher who lived in a shanty outside the palace of his own system and saying that Hegel knew everything and said everything, except what it is to be born and to live and to die. He left out something! For me, the great thing about Kierkegaard was that he expressed my own feelings about the whole scientific synthesis. You see, my whole education had been in science for twenty-five years, particularly at Columbia University Medical School. You could describe that as almost the quintessential institute of scientific humanism. And so I had my feelings that this was not enough, that there was something left over, that after you say all this, after you learn everything that you can at Columbia about what it is to be a human being, there is something awfully important left over. I was trying to systematize it, to see how you could talk about it. And having been brought up scientifically, I had a great respect for scientific rigor, rigor and precision of language. I certainly didn't want to say, well, besides science we have emotion and art that's the alternative. Of course, that had been the standard alternative, the American philosophical alternative starting with Dewey. On the one hand there was a science and on the other hand there was art, or play, or emotion. I knew that wasn't right. There had to be a more serious alternative than that. And so you can imagine what an eye opener it was to stumble on a couple of passages by Kierkegard who was saying (and the existentialists like - I said, I read the French existentialists first - seemed to be saying the same thing) that something has been left out by any kind of synthesis, by a scientific synthesis or a philosophical synthesis. And that, namely, what is left out is nothing less than the individual himself. This was a tremendous breakthrough, very exciting if this was true. Then of course what I discovered was that this was Kierkegaard's main subject of interest. Number one, the fact that the individual what it is to be a man, to live and to die, to be an individual is left out of the Hegelian system. But then he goes on to define what it is to be an individual. This is the other great thing. Here he says something that is just as staggering as the first statement. Namely, that - did he say it in Sickness unto Death? - the only way to be yourself is to be yourself transparently before God. It was a most enigmatic statement, but very important.

So what was important about Kierkegaard to me was that he was a man who was trying to open up a whole new area of knowledge to me in the most serious way, in the most precise way and quite as serious as any science, or more serious. And, of course, it is religious too. This was a far cry from the other alternative that I had always read about, that the alternative to science is art, play, emotion. I saw for the first time through Kierkegaard how to take the alternative system seriously, how to treat it as a serious thinker, as a serious writer. Before that I would have simply seen it as just religion or emotion. I hadn't seen any way to think about it. Kierkegaard gave me a way to think about it.

(…)

The most important single piece that Kierkegaard wrote is something I seldom hear about and a lot of people don't know too well. It's his essay called "The Difference between a Genius and an Apostle." That was tremendously important to me. Kierkegaard says that a genius is a man who arrives at truth like a scientist or a philosopher or a thinker. Truth, as he calls it, sub specie aeteri. He can arrive at a truth anywhere, anytime, anyplace, whereas an apostle has heard the news of something that has happened, and he has the authority to tell somebody who hasn't heard the news what the news is. I made use of this essay throughout several of the books. The whole structure of Binx's search is based on it. He talks about the horizontal search and the vertical search. The vertical search consisted of the times when he would read books about the philosophy of life, or about Einstein's theory of the universe or Schrödinger's - the German physicist - The World as I See It, and a book called The Chemistry of Life, and he understood it all. But he finished the book by midnight, and then his problem was to draw one breath and then the next, which is like Kierkegaard. Kierkegaard had an example of a young man who was given a task of working all day long and he finished the job at noon. That was one of Kierkegaard's crazy allusions. So that's the vertical search, in other words, what Kierkegaard would call the work of a genius. The fellow who figures out all the systems and all the formulas knowledge sub specie aeteri-which can be figured out anywhere, anytime, or any hour. But having done that, you see, he still has to draw one breath and then the next.

And then Binx goes to his horizontal search, which took the form in this case not of religion, but a kind of a debased religious fear of searching. He knew he had run out of the esthetic sphere-the women and music and science, and so forth. (And, incidentally, I place science in the esthetic sphere. I don't know whether Kierkegaard does that or not. I think that science and art are very closely allied there.) But he had run out of all this and had embarked on what he called a horizontal search. By this he certainly did not mean looking for God, although he talks about that. He rules out the search for God in the beginning, because he says that Americans already believe in God. Everybody believes in God, so how can you search for something everybody believes in? So he embarked on kind of an antic search which was still in the esthetic mode: going out, walking around, walking out to the lake at night, walking out to see the river, taking a ferry to Algiers, going to movies. So this is all still very much in the esthetic. But the two searches were certainly very much patterned after The Difference between a Genius and an Apostle - with that very much in mind.

I think Kierkegaard said if the hearer of the news asks the apostle, "On what grounds am I supposed to believe this news?" the apostle simply replies that "I have the authority to tell it to you, and if you don't believe me it is your fault. If I didn't have the authority, I wouldn't be telling you. You better believe it, and if you don't believe it it's on your own head." That was a tremendous distinction, a very clear distinction between the two. I used it very consciously at the end of The Last Gentleman. This priest who is a very ordinary, mediocre priest, has been dragged in by the scruff of the hair, so to speak, to baptize Jamie who was dying. Jamie can't talk to the priest; he is talking to Barrett. And Barrett is not aware of what is going on, exactly. All he has is a certain amount of equipment, a certain radar, a certain sensitivity. He knows that Jamie can understand him and he can understand Jamie. He can translate both to Sutter Vaught and to the priest. So the priest gives his spiel and says, "Do you believe in the Lord Jesus Christ?" He sets out the truths of the faith, like the Apostles' Creed. Jamie is supposed to say "Yes."

Jamie looks at Barrett and says, "What do you think? Am I supposed to believe this?" Barrett turns to the priest and says, "Is he supposed to believe this? How does he know it's true?" And the priest says, "If it wasn't true I wouldn't be here, that's why. I'm here. I'm telling you. If it weren't true I wouldn't be telling you." So that was a direct steal from Kierkegaard.

(…)

Percy: One big difficulty for me in reading Kierkegaard was that I had no philosophical training at all, especially about Hegel or the German idealists. That was a great obstacle and stumbling block for years. Kierkegaard was attacking Hegel. For a long time I thought that was irrelevant. I said, well, what difference does it make whether he successfully demolished Hegel or not, until I realized that you could very successfully extrapolate his attack on Hegel against what we might call scientism. The same thing he said about the Hegelian system might be said about a purely scientific view of the world which leaves out the individual. So once I made that extrapolation from Hegel, whom I cared nothing about, to a whole, scientific, exclusive world view, it became very relevant.” - ‘Walker Percy Talks about Kierkegaard: An Annotated Interview’, Bradley R. Dewey (The Journal of Religion, 54 July 1974),