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rappaccini · 8 months ago

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a queer reading of spider-gwen

okay. this is fifty pages long so i'll skip the sentimental intro: spider-gwen's existed for ten years, and over the course of that decade she's steadily been written as a more and more overtly queer character.

gonna get gwen's appearances in animation/movies out of the way first.

IN OTHER MEDIA:

in ultimate spider-man (2015), gwen collaborates with peter and miles but no romantic tension is present, and she clearly prefers working alone or with aunt may. takeaway: inconclusive.

in marvel spider-man (2017), gwen's teased as a romantic interest of peter's, but they ultimately stay friends. at the big end-of-series dance, her date is a boy who's a side character at best. she has a ton of tension with anya corazon, her female best friend and has a moment of gay panic when she sees black widow-- though both could still read as her just being affectionate towards other women. takeaway: inconclusive, but with plenty of fuel that she might be bi with a preference for girls or a closeted lesbian.

in marvel rising (2018), gwen has no romantic partners and expresses interest in no one. the murder of her male best friend, kevin (peter placeholder) motivates her, but she shows no signs of romantic feelings for him. she's still a drummer for the mary janes and exclusively interacts with other women. takeaway: inconclusive, queer if you squint.

in spidey & his amazing friends (2021), a cartoon aimed at preschoolers, gwen is an elementary schooler. takeaway: irrelevant.

IN THE SPIDERVERSE MOVIES

in ITSV (2018),

gwen's a supporting character whose arc is about warming up to miles and embracing new friends after the death of her peter (here referred to as only her friend, which was probably all he was at this point in development).

even if the planned romance plotline was cut down to 'miles has a crush, gwen's so reserved you can read her either way, and they end the movie agreeing to be friends,' she's still in the movie. so the writers probably intended for her to be straight.

and her personality is so off that it wouldn't surprise me if they never read her comics past her initial origin story, the spiderverse event and sitting in a tree... which means the writers probably didn't realize gwen was queer until after they expanded her role for atsv.

in terms of gender presentation... gwen has an edgier haircut and an eyebrow piercing, but the piercing's lifted from katie bishop, miles's first love interest in the comics. and she's also a ballet dancer, so she's automatically coded with conventionally feminine interests.

and let's be real, there's no way the writers intended gwen to be trans-coded until atsv at the earliest.

takeaway: inconclusive, but probably straight.

ATSV (2023)

gwen canonically has romantic feelings for peter-65 and tension with both miles and hobie (though she insists hobie's 'just a friend,' given that gwen's lying for most of the movie, hobie does for gwen what she does for miles in his parent's apartment at the end of the film and pav is 'good at reading people' and says something's going on there... something probably went on there). it is crammed down our throats that gwen is definitely into guys.

gwen interacts with many female characters, and is in the mary janes band, but has no chemistry with any of them, does not regard any of the female characters her age (the mary janes, margo) as friends, and is hostile towards them all. she clashes with rio. she seeks a female mentor in jess, subtextually a mother figure to gwen, but has a poor relationship with her that frays over the course of the movie.

her plotline entails compulsively lying to everyone in her life to protect herself from rejection, being hunted by the authorities for an identity they disapprove of, running away from home after being revealed to an unsupportive parent, and sheltering with hobie, who's confirmed to have a genderqueer influence in concept art. and we've all seen the scene where gwen comes out to her father (lifted word-for-word from the comics). however, these could be read a variety of ways. if you don't want to see the subtext, technically, you don't have to.

she's also the most romance-driven version of spider-gwen that has ever existed:

the first words out of gwen's mouth, the words that open the movie, are "let me tell you how special the boy i like is, and how i wasn't loyal enough to him"

instead of being repulsed by peter's advances, gwen clearly intended to go to the dance with him as a couple and is upset that she didn't get to

her origin story is sanitized to make sure she doesn't have any hangups about getting a boyfriend, and that miles doesn't have any about being attracted to her.

she's so fixated on peter that she's projecting him and the relationship she wanted with him onto miles

the storyline about gwen isolating herself from her friends, adapted from the comics, is recontextualized so she's pining for miles the entire time because she thinks only he can understand her

she risks her life (since at this point she assumes being sent home could get her killed, and knows about the gwen death canon event)... to see a boy she hung out with for one afternoon a year and a half ago

she reunites with miles by diving onto his bed and creeping through his window. you know what that implies.

she takes him on an elaborate swinging date through the city, where their compatibility as a team is emphasized and she introduces herself to his dimension as THEIR friendly neighborhood spider-woman

(said date includes a storyboarded shot that was cut where gwen and miles photobomb a wedding in the places of the bride and groom)

the date ends with them visiting a special secret place to watch the sunset and talk about their feelings

she seems more upset by the idea that she can't be in a romantic relationship with spider-man (not even "a spider." a spider-man.) that ends well than that she will die young

the entire party scene is essentially miles introducing his girlfriend to his parents, and gwen failing to win their approval

gwen interacts with hobie with romantic intent as well-- wearing his clothes, flirting with him, constantly spending time with him, talking about him when he isn't around the same way she would miles, sleeping over at his place, getting flustered when he's brought up. even pav has noticed that something's going on between them.

gwen observes miles being protective of children in mumbattan and has a moment of Lingering Eye Contact with him when they look at mayday's baby pictures. the directors want you to think of them as parents together, and spiderverse gwen doesn't share her comics-counterpart's repulsion towards babies

she and miles are given a "wendy and peter pan" parallel in dialogue

she's catty to another girl over a boy's attention

she becomes disillusioned with the spider-society not because of her own mistreatment, but because of miles's

she stands up to the spider-society not for her own sake, but her future boyfriend's

she has a ~mysterious connection~ to miles that allows her to sense he's in danger across dimensions. they gave her a brand new superpower that revolves around being constantly aware of her boyfriend's needs even when he isn't in the same universe as her. it isn't even clear if the connection runs both ways.

gwen reunites with her father because she returns to their apartment for a photo of her and miles, and her reward for making up with her dad is a portal watch she can use to see miles.

she spends the movie in a subtle love triangle with hobie and miles, and despite knowing hobie far better and being far more comfortable with him, we know she's choosing miles for some reason. a relationship with the straight boy she barely knows, can't be honest with, and has barely done anything for her somehow matters more than the queer-coded boy she has a deeper connection to. she's choosing the heteronormative option.

the climax of gwen's arc isn't actually her confrontation with her father. it's when she goes to miles's to apologize, puts miles' hoodie on (you know what it means when a girl wears her boyfriend's clothes), and wins his parents' respect by defending him to them. it's literally all about introducing herself to her boyfriend's family and reassuring them that she's good for him.

the ending of the movie is gwen handpicking a team for miles made of all his friends and allies and ends the movie on her way to deliver them to him. it's only her team until he shows up. then she'll immediately fall into line as his support.

gwen decides to defy her narrative by... pursuing miles to apologize for not being honest, confess her love for him, bring him home to his family and prove how devoted she is to him by helping him protect what he loves.

gwen's atsv arc is about deciding to be brave enough to be a straight boy's supportive girlfriend.

(we know btsv is going to involve gwen's death canon event, it being subverted somehow and the gwiles romance getting, according to the straight white nerdy guys who wrote this story, a 'satisfying' conclusion.)

this is the first time in her character's ten-year history that a spider-gwen plot has been dominated by gwen wanting a boyfriend.

so if nothing else, gwen seems to be written, directed and performed as straight. her design has a queer vibe, but her behavior does not. and i doubt they'll want to introduce any more rivals to their precious gwiles, so she'll probably stay that way.

but in terms of gender identity, she's definitely coded as transgender.

we've all seen the 'protect trans kids' flag in her room, and the abundance of pink, blue and white in her world's color palette. if i had to bet, some animators picked up on the queer vibe of gwen's storyline in the film and/or knew her comics counterpart was much more overt, snuck the flag in as a way to acknowledge her queerness without contradicting the narrative's need for her to be only attracted to men. (they would never have made gwen a lesbian, and even bi-coding wouldn't have worked because the plot obligates her to be a male character's love interest, she has no sapphic vibe or even positive relationship with any other female character, and having gwen 'come out' to her dad as bi-- right before she gets a boyfriend-- isn't the most coherent; no queer girl would come out to her conservative cop dad if she were going to be introducing him to her straight boyfriend. she'd just not tell him.) and when it got a good reception after the trailer came out they got the go-ahead to crank up the vibe in the animation effects, which elevates gwen's story from 'open to interpretation' to 'so intentionally coded if you don't acknowledge it you either didn't pay attention or you're deliberately refusing to see it'.

so now, those visual elements plus gwen's coming-out speech, her runaway plot, camaraderie with hobie, her ability to fit into hobie's clothes, her haircut, her conventionally masculine childhood hobbies (like playing with action figures; mentioned because if a young gwen was socialized as a boy, that's what she would have been steered towards) and even her religious father saying he hates gwen's alter ego because 'she took a boy i think of as my son away from me' have a much clearer subtext. gwen's story is a queer narrative about running away from and eventually reconciling with transphobic family, sheltering with another queer kid, having her vulnerability exploited by opportunistic adults, and finding acceptance with other kids like her.

the takeaway: spiderverse gwen is probably intended to be heterosexual, but is definitely trans-coded. i could see the writers using this as a way to acknowledge spider-gwen's queerness (... and dodge potential backlash for straightwashing a queer girl to make her the main male character's gf and refusing to switch gears once they realized what they did) while making sure she stays Miles's Girlfriend above all else.

we'll get back to this. put a pin in it.

IN THE COMICS:

the source of all these alternate versions of spider-gwen. i'm gonna try to go in chrono order, but where overlapping events hit, i'll just place the event where it doesn't disrupt the flow as much as i can.

IN SPIDERVERSE (2014-2015)

gwen's first appearance. at this point she had no established lore or personality, so her default state as Peter's Love Interest seems to be the guiding principle. also, tasm2 came out recently and the gwen/peter romance would have been front of everybody's minds.

for ref this also tends to be the personality gwen has in all other team-up events: she's nice, social, competent, enthusiastic and always in peter's corner. (out of universe, this is who writers who don't read her comics think she is. in-universe, this is how gwen wants to be perceived by the other spider-people.)

gwen's first moment of shippy behavior happens when she meets peter 616. he immediately orders her to stay at the camp where it's safe while the Real Spiders go to war. she begrudgingly agrees. ew.

later, when she gets him to let her leave the kitchen, we get this. cradling his face, staring deep into his eyes and promising to protect him is not platonic.

this is never followed up on. whenever they interact past this point, it's as friends. this is a good thing.

peter continues to have to remind himself to let gwen fight her own battles and not intervene on her behalf. this is a bad thing.

gwen keeps getting more shippy moments with peter variants sprinkled throughout the event. the peters keep trying to have a moment where they touch or hold each other, stare into each other's eyes and apologize about failing each other's variants. and she allows it.

takeaway: our first impression of her is that she's presumably a heterosexual cis woman who was in a romantic relationship with peter-65.

IN WEB WARRIORS (2015-2016)

tricky continuity: after the inheritors are defeated, the web-warriors stick around to clean up a few loose ends. gwen is on this team. so technically, though the latour run starts before ww, ww takes place during the couple months gwen leaves home to fight with the spider-army and gets stuck on battleworld before her solo kicks off.

in general gwen hangs out with several spider-people, including an aged-up mayday and anya, but there isn't much of a vibe there. unlike in sv, gwen seems to be accepted as a comrade instead of a potential love interest. and she's cool with it.

gwen is referred to as peter-65's "girlfriend" by his bullies in a flashback. the writers don't have the details right, but this is their assumption of that relationship. they clearly think gwen's into guys and that gwen was peter's girlfriend.

one interesting thing does happen: gwen meets hobie here, and he, like many of the peters in spiderverse, immediately gets flustered. it could be hero worship of a girl who has his favorite musician's name and face, it could be a crush. probably a bit of both.

regardless, gwen is initially weirded out and surprised by hobie's interest in her. she's more concerned with how her alt self dies than hobie's starstruck reaction to her, but she doesn't mind him clutching her hand like he's in a regency novel and that touch lingers a bit longer than normal. and by the end of the event, they've become friends and proceed to go on many missions together.

takeaway: inconclusive. if i had to guess, gwen isn't being written as queer; she's being written as 'straight, but off limits to guys who aren't peter parker.'

IN THE LATOUR RUN (2014-2018)

GWEN'S GENDER IDENTITY

first of all, to the spiderverse fans who think trans gwen is canon to the comics: thanks for the enthusiasm, but gwen is not explicitly trans; at no point in the canon is she referred to as such.

and gwen being trans-coded isn't necessarily that prominent. there are seeds you could read into... or not:

she goes through a physical change after an injection, and has a secret identity that people despise and her father initially hates. the spider-man metaphor works for so many things that you can take or leave it.

gwen worries being a spider-person makes her a ''monster'' and if "a real friend would give [her friends] a chance to run"... which could be about a trans girl being anxious that her queer cis friend group won't want her, or about any number of gwen's other issues, most notably the fact that she killed their mutual friend and is keeping it from them.

she has traditionally-masculine interests-- like d&d, drumming, fantasy novels, cop shows and kung fu movies-- but is also written as a tomboyish nerd who grew up with a single dad who shared his interests with her.

she's insecure about her breast size and her body, but that's probably just male writers being male writers.

she has a lanky build, dresses in an androgynous style and even wears a hood sewn into her costume, but given that the writer's intent was to keep gwen from being sexualized by intentionally not giving her curves and form-fitting skin-baring outfits (and the hood was a very 2014-era commentary on how "wearing a hoodie doesn't make someone a criminal")... something else is going on there.

murdock cracks a joke about pronoun usage when gwen's venomed out... but everyone who uses venom uses "we" pronouns

mattea murdock later uses gender-neutral pronouns when discussing her, however that's probably just an earth-138 thing.

it's there if you want it to be, but there's a counter to every point, and most of those points are so ambiguous that they can speak to a number of different situations or queer experiences.

the strongest argument you have is the power-up pills.

gwen loses her powers, and becomes dependent on using pills that temporarily restore them so she can keep being spider-woman. she only has a limited supply, and wonders if running out or throwing them away will mean she's 'normal' again.

however, the problems persist. enough villains know her identity that they'd continue to seek her, and she wouldn't be fulfilled.

murdock gets his hands on them, and uses them to force gwen to do his bidding. the subtext is that murdock is gwen's abusive partner who's keeping her dependent on him by making her take drugs when she's with him. or dealer. your choice.

the metaphor works with any drug. given that gwen's constantly on benders after peter's death, keeps being found by her friends passed out in bars and alleyways, and her relationship with her symbiote is initially written as an "addiction" -- her taking something to numb the pain is the most obvious reading.

and in general the power pills play into the run's theme about gender and power: gwen claimed a power that typically isn't given to a female character, and cindy moon 65 took that power from her because she was angry that she wasn't the special one. gwen loses her powers as she's dominated by men and gains her symbiote when she gets her independence back.

but if you want to take the power-ups as a story about a trans girl being violently denied her identity by a transphobic cis woman, contemplating going off her meds and detransitioning, before realizing it won't change who she is, and then becoming trapped in an abusive relationship with someone who controls her access to her medication... it's a very good allegory.

however, given that sitting in a tree insists that gwen-65 is the past version of gwen-8, who gives birth to two children... gwen must have the hardware for that to be possible. that, or bendis really had no clue what the fuck he was doing when he created earth-8 and made gwen have kids without realizing she doesn't have a fucking uterus... or the terrible implications of writing a story about a trans girl being told that in the best possible world where she's accepted and beloved, she'd have to be capable of getting pregnant.

also, if you're looking for a trans-coded character in the cast, there actually is one: earth-65's captain america is a genderbent sam wilson. she has a clone, sam 13... who is somehow male.

takeaway: enough is there that you can read gwen as trans if you want, and the coming-out narrative can work for gender identity as much as it does for sexuality, but it's not an overwhelming and intentional subtext. it's a "maybe, if you want."

not like the subtext surrounding her sexual orientation is.

gwen could be trans... but she definitely is not straight. and it's been that way since the start of her solo run.

(so to the people insisting that the spiderverse writers couldn't possibly have known that gwen was queer back in 2018... yes the fuck they could have. it was always this obvious. they didn't know because they did no research or had already decided they wanted her to be straight so they could ship her with miles.)

GWEN'S SEXUALITY

gwen's plot across the latour run is basically a coming out arc.

she has a secret side to herself that her family and community despise, that led to her turning down a relationship with a boy the audience expects her to be with, and being hunted by the police and hated by her father.

she spends much of her time lying, sneaking away for days or weeks at a time, and contemplates running away for good to a place where someone 'like her' would be more tolerated.

she's constantly informed by powerful people that she's supposed to have been in a heterosexual relationship, and keeps ducking out of them.

she's sussed out by various people-- friends who guard her secret and support her, and enemies who use it to exploit her.

she begins coming out to the people in her life one by one: her father, harry, the mary janes, her neighbors. it takes time for some to accept her, and others embrace her right away.

she breaks out of the last of her repression and embraces her emotions in their entirety... which scares people.

she reveals herself to the world because she's no longer afraid of the consequences of being exposed, and to take away the power from someone using her secret as leverage against her.

and then the systems of power in her world lock her up and leave her to face abuse to punish her for events that kicked off with her refusing comphet.

it's very, very clear. especially when you factor in her relationships.

THE MARY JANES

the first thing we learn about gwen is that she's a drummer in an all-female rock band. as soon as gwen has her own backstory, it decenters and deromanticizes her relationship with a guy we all expect her to be the girlfriend of, and places gwen in a peer group and subculture that skews extremely queer.

and over the run we gradually learn the mary janes are almost entirely made up of openly queer and queer-coded girls (em jay is bisexual, glory is a lesbian; betty is unclear, but is repulsed by/indifferent to male attention even if she jokes about finding guys hot).

betty brant:

not much here. betty hugs gwen and gives her a 'vampire kiss' once, but she has an odd sense of humor so it's not clear if she's serious. and regardless, gwen seems uncomfortable.

glory grant:

the girl gwen singles out as the one she prefers to talk to the most and her closest friend in the band.

glory is the first person in the band gwen nearly 'comes out' to about being spider-woman. (not em jay.)

gwen admits to finding it enjoyable when they land on top of each other after stage diving during a concert. in this same issue, it's confirmed that glory's an out lesbian.

tbh, if gwen's into any of the mary janes romantically in the latour run, it's glory.

em jay watson:

em jay mentions finding gwen attractive early in the run, is the first in the band to guess gwen's spider-woman, is especially upset when gwen puts herself in danger as spider-woman, and has a habit of getting into belligerent fights with other members of the band (felicia, glory, gwen). given that she and glory later get together, being rude and demanding seems to be a signal that em jay's attracted to someone.

for future reference: em jay is openly bisexual. she has an infamously colorful dating history containing at least one guy, glory jokes about em having too many exes, and she's even lost a friend, liz allan, because liz's boyfriend made a pass at em, and when em came to liz to tell her about it, liz believed em was cheating with him. being promiscuous, noncommittal and unsafe to leave around someone else's partner are all stereotypes leveled at bisexuals. and em jay has lost a friend because of them. put a pin in that.

on a night out, while glory, randy and betty are scrolling on dating apps, gwen and em pair off together, em tells gwen she'd never use one, and talks about the inevitability of being rejected. it's implied she's talking about having tried and failed to attract gwen.

given that em later begins flirting with glory, who asks em if she's just a placeholder for gwen (which em denies), it's clear that em had romantic feelings for gwen, gave up and got together with glory instead.

gwen seems totally unaware of or indifferent to em jay's feelings for her. she does not reciprocate during the latour run.

felicia hardy:

former member of the mary janes

mentioned because if em jay gets bitchy with all her crushes, given that she and em hated each other, that means felicia was one of them. possibly even an ex.

she is paralleled to gwen: both are young women with single fathers who they are extremely close to, who have belligerent tension with em jay (mutual for felicia, one-sided for gwen) and quit the mary janes to 'go solo', who have vengeful streaks and despise matt murdock, who are obsessed with their pasts.

and felicia hardy 616 is canonically bisexual

throughout the run, gwen constantly seeks the mary janes' company, even when her secret identity keeps her from being honest with the girls [who piece it together themselves long before she tells them], and she always keeps herself apart when they flirt with her or each other. the implication being gwen is closeted but just aware enough of her sexuality to crave kinship with other queer women.

MISC: KITTY PRYDE

assassin gwen has a bit of tension with.

like felicia, kitty is also paralleled to gwen as another rageful young woman with a complex relationship to her father (though kitty's is alive and she kinda hates him), who has trouble retaining her agency and is being manipulated by murdock

and like felicia, kitty is also bisexual in 616.

MISC: CINDY MOON AND JESSICA DREW, 616

when gwen teams up with both women, there's no tension. gwen and cindy dislike each other, and gwen views jess as a mentor.

jess asks gwen if she’s interested in a boy or girl romantically, which gwen never answers. its possible that jess has figured out that gwen is queer… but she might also just be covering her bases. regardless the possibility of her being bi is first teased out loud here.

gwen's dislike of cindy stems from "being afraid she'll end up like her." cindy (... who has the most romantic tension with other women) spent a decade sealed in a vault by a man she trusted, she was hunted the moment she got out, and hurled at peter as his hypersexual 'soulmate' by the writers. that's what gwen is afraid will happen to her.

as for her relationships with men...

it's rough. the latour run is bookended by gwen encountering male villains who want to exploit her sexually and punish her for not being attracted to them: gwen's backstory kicks off with lizard attacking her because she accepted a date with a different guy, and gwen's first villain encounter in the present is rhino, who gropes gwen while they're fighting. the story ends with gwen defeating murdock, who has a sleazy obsession with her.

i mention this because the context is important: gwen's got a lot of trauma related to being forced into intimate situations she doesn't want. not just with her villains. with her friends too. and often those friends become villains because they want an intimate relationship with her at any cost.

PETER PARKER 65

peter and gwen are childhood best friends and neighbors. even though she's referred to as his "girlfriend" by peter's bullies, that's all they are. friends.

peter parker was attracted to gwen. he resents that they aren't in a relationship, and that she's the one protecting him from bullies. he's jealous when harry asks her to the prom, and his lizard rampage is triggered by seeing harry that night.

he's also infatuated with spider-woman's power, and wants it for himself. he doesn't seem to know she and gwen are the same person, but he's still possessive of both sides of her.

gwen's origin story kicks off when she literally has to kill peter parker to start her character development as spider-woman.

and how does she kill him? by "breaking his heart" -- physically, by bashing his ribcage in. and emotionally, by not wanting to be his girlfriend.

gwen was not attracted to peter at all. she only ever refers to him as her 'friend' and mentions she never had feelings for him multiple times, to harry, to miles, to gwen-617. given that she just learned that in most universes they're a couple, and had to deal with dozens of peters pushing that vibe onto her, it makes sense that she'd be so insistent about this.

it's also interesting that she keeps this information secret from all the spider-people during this run. now that we know she and her peter were never involved romantically, that means all those moments where she seemed into the alternate peters weren't genuine. she was faking it.

the thing that gwen's world turns on her over and sends her to prison for is "breaking peter's heart." it's not following through with comphet. gwen literally gets demonized and locked up for not being straight.

SIDEBAR: CLONE CONSPIRACY (2016)

it's not clear when this event occurs in gwen's chronology. she has spider-powers and doesn't mention her power-ups, so though this was published during the power-up pill arc, it seems to take place before gwen loses her powers. so best i can figure, clone conspiracy takes place after gwen reunites with harry and they forgive each other and before she encounters cindy and jess from 616 (additional proof: during the spider-women crossover, the mary janes are shocked when gwen turns up; it makes more sense if she's been in 616 for a few weeks than if they just saw her at the bonfire).

anyway: gwen travels to 616 to help kaine infiltrate the jackal's latest clone nonsense, and impersonate the resurrected gwen stacy. during this time gwen and kaine spend possibly weeks alone together. and gwen spends a lot of time literally replacing the girl she's constantly compared to.

gwen and kaine have chemistry and a mutual protective streak towards each other. they were an effective team during their time alone, and bonded over their common status as the inferior doppelgangers of 616 icons. at one point gwen likely undressed in front of him. i'd say it's all incidental, but then they're paralleled to peter and gwen-616.

so yeah that shit's on purpose.

basically the vibe is that gwen and kaine probably hooked up or had some kind of tryst off-page while they were investigating the jackal, but then got back to business.

if it did indeed happen, gwen's first and to-date only sexual encounter was with a much older man who has the face of the dead best friend she had no feelings for and killed because he kept coming on to her, and this hookup occurred at a time gwen was extremely fucked-up about said friend's death, aware that all the spider-men expect her to have feelings for him... and peter-616 in particular (who kaine is cloned from, and who has a mixed-to-negative relationship with him). so there are other factors at play that aren't attraction.

if gwen got with kaine, it was most likely a mix between a sense of obligation (fine, she'll screw a version of peter) and maybe an act of rebellion (but not the peter anyone wants) or sabotage (she's choosing the guy that'll make the peter she's expected to be with too uncomfortable to even think of going further with her... and it worked).

it's worth mentioning though that the encounter, if it happened, seemed to work out fine for them both at first. they're not awkward, angry, regretful or uncomfortable, they work together well, they part on good terms... but when gwen's back in her own world, she later mumbles about how she dislikes clones and she makes no effort to be close with kaine ever again. if they hit it, they quit it and though gwen was cool with it at the time, she later sours to the experience.

takeaway: this gwen's being depicted as straight again. but in context, she seems to be trying to negotiate with or subvert comphet.

BACK TO LATOUR

soon after clone conspiracy's published, sitting in a tree happens. the writers seem to have realized a few years into spider-gwen's existence (and a few years removed from the amazing spider-man movies) that a gwen-peter romance would be a terrible idea... so they're tossing her at alternative spider-men to see what sticks.

[all the more relevant when gwen-617 essentially looks into the camera and says "stop trying to force her to be a love interest. she's her own person."]

MILES MORALES

siat is a mess. for these issues only, gwen is smitten with miles-- who she barely knows-- and then barely mentions him for the rest of the run (and is never wistful or pining when she does).

the whole team-up feels like two writers with very different takes on the relationship fighting each other. bendis wants gwiles, latour doesn't. the characterization's all over the place.

(so are the ages. gwen's 19-going-on-20, but based on gwen8's canon age of 38 and the 20-year-anniversary announcement of her wedding to miles... i guess bendis thinks she's 18? also, miles is 15-16 here but insists he's almost 17.)

the event, split between miles and gwen's solos, is also split between their povs. relevant because it turns out that they have slightly different perceptions of the events.

in siat, gwen constantly initiates touch with miles. she grabs his hands and wrists, leans on him, clings to him, whispers reassurances in his ear, stares deep into his eyes. on the surface, it looks like she's into him.

his entire side of the story, told in retrospect to his buddies, reads her behavior as swoony and romantic. the whole time miles thinks he's The Man for attracting this hot older spider-woman. he never picks up on any of her signals, or if he did, he ignored them.

(and kept ignoring them, because later in champions, miles calls gwen his "girlfriend from another dimension" when he's trying to impress the team. they don't buy it and drag his ass for it, but he still did it. miles views her as a status symbol.)

when they discuss her peter, she says he "followed her around like a puppy"... just like miles does in siat. and since gwen wasn't into peter... hm. wonder what that implies.

miles and murdock, who are both canonically attracted to gwen and want relationships with her, have a dick measuring contest. you could read it as 'miles, the good suitor, is standing up against matt, the bad one'…. or, as them being juxtaposed to show how similar they are: both impose on gwen a relationship she doesn't want and neither cares about her agency. you know, like peter did.

miles keeps pushing gwen's boundaries and not listening to her. he takes too long to let go when they hug. he puts her in danger when she tells him not to take her webslinging (she doesn't have powers) and he does anyway; yes, he ~saved her from falling~ but he pulled her off the edge of a building in the first place. he follows her into a club when she tells him to wait outside. he doesn't tell her about his invisibility power when she'd need to know about it. he trusts her, but not that much.

throughout the event they keep having ~romantic moments~ that are interrupted by discomfort: are they awkward teens... or do they just not have chemistry?

when gwen and miles encounter kamala khan, who at the time was his potential love interest, and the vibe is ~uh oh, miles's two girlfriends are in the same place~... miles gets flustered. kamala gets twitchy and concerned. gwen isn't either. she even invites kamala along on the mission, and sticks with kamala instead of miles.

when she and kamala are alone together, and kamala tries to say she's cool with gwen and miles being a couple... gwen gets embarrassed, says "why can't we just be friends" and when kamala misreads again, she facepalms. when gwen's alone, she drops all interest in miles. which means when gwen's with miles, she's faking it.

when they discuss having variants with preexisting relationships gwen says she feels "twisted up lately" and is used to doing "whatever it takes" to get through hard situations. she's not saying she wants to be with him; she's saying she feels pressured to.

and then she's lured to earth-8, where she sees the Perfect Future created by gwen and miles marrying and having a perfect nuclear family... gwen's reaction isn't excited or awestruck. she asks if she's hallucinating, she looks underwhelmed, and only smiles when she's leaving. she brings the kids, but only as reinforcements for a fight she's reentering.

gwen suspects she was taken there on purpose, and implies she thinks earth-8 is the answer to her problems. and then kisses miles.

there are two depictions of the kiss in siat. one is from miles's pov, at the start of the story when he's recounting it to his friends. you've seen it. it's pink-toned, sexy and dramatic... but only in his memory.

the other is from gwen's pov, as it happens. it's depicted as distant, cold and dark, with their faces in shadow. from her pov, it was not a good experience.

gwen immediately pulls back, apologizes, and can't give a clear a answer as to why she regrets it, but insists she doesn't want to replicate earth-8, that if they get together she "can't feel like we didn't have a say. like we got forced by the hand of fate"... third time she's said she feels forced.

she makes him promise to stay friends. though she promises it's just "for now" she never follows up and immediately goes on the run with another future love interest.

also, while on the run with said love interest, she contemplates fleeing to another dimension, and after considering earth-8, she dismisses it altogether, says earth-8 is no safe haven, and commits to standing her ground in a battle they think they have little chance at winning. gwen would rather risk death than return to earth-8.

even though earth-8 is sold to her as an ideal future, she clearly disagrees. it's not gwen's ideal future, it's miles's.

remember gwen's issue with cindy? oh look, gwen's worst fear is coming true: she's trapped, pressured by forces outside her control into a relationship with a spider-man she has a dubious amount of consent in, and that relationship is turning her into an object. the only difference is instead of being a sex object, gwen is a status symbol and vessel for children. gwen's worst nightmare is miles's dream come true.

the story feels like gwen going through comphet, trying to make herself like miles and failing. and/or pretending to reciprocate to avoid hurting his feelings-- probably because the last time gwen was bluntly uninterested in a boy who puppy-dogs after her, he tried to kill her friend. the trauma's not keeping her from being with him. it's keeping her from rejecting him bluntly.

for future ref: gwen and miles never go on a solo adventure together again. every time they're together, it's in a group setting where she's friendly but unattracted. she makes no effort to see him on her own, and avoids him when he reaches out with romantic interest. one has to assume she's uncomfortable with being alone with him for that reason.

much later, we learn that the omniscient watchers [implied to be stand-ins for the writers/fans] overseeing gwen's world have already written her off as destined to become gwen-8. in other words, god has already decided that gwen's purpose is as a wife and mother, and in order to be accepted, gwen has to be straight, whether she likes it or not.

gwen-617 refers to gwen-65's future being determined [as earth-8] as "wrong," "dark" and "toxic." and that it perpetuates a "cycle" she, another spider-gwen, intends to break.

it's implied she sent gwen to earth-8 and earth-617, the two possible known futures for a spider-gwen-- the one she'll be forced into, and the one she'd actually want-- so she'll be able to tell the difference and save herself before it's too late.

HARRY OSBORN

both he and peter are gwen's high school friends who have one-sided crushes on her.

harry asks gwen to the prom, she agrees but seems indifferent about his proposal and oblivious to it having been romantic in nature. she also doesn't meet him there or at all once peter attacks. so she didn't exactly turn him down or accept him.

unlike peter, gwen doesn't repeatedly insist she was never attracted to harry.

when harry returns two years later, he's still carrying a torch for her but maintains that they are friends and never tries to push anything else on her.

talking to harry is enough for gwen to break through to him, and they embrace.

harry's treated as the foil of peter parker in the latour run-- both are nerdy, bullied boys gwen befriends in high school, whose attraction to her she's (while in high school) indifferent to, who become villainous as a result of abuse and ostracization and take lizard serum to punish her. however, peter does it to punish her for accepting another guy's attention. harry does it to punish her for killing peter, but forgives her, and reforms into a close ally of gwen's.

in short, harry did what peter couldn't: he was able to understand that gwen's her own person who makes her own choices, and to let go of his anger and break the cycle of violence that caused it.

this could mean that unlike peter, harry accepts gwen as a friend.

or unlike peter, gwen reciprocates his feelings.

either works.

right after siat, harry osborn returns. the end note that gwen and miles are essentially in an arranged marriage immediately being followed up by gwen running away with another boy she has tension with? that shit's on purpose.

the predators arc is all about how deeply connected gwen and harry are: he can call her from across the world and she'll drop everything to come to his side. they'll run away together and live on the lam. she'll care for him while he's sick. they'll fight for each other, they'll keep each other alive, their history runs deep and the symbiote is made of, among other things, a piece of each of them.

during their time in madripoor gwen and harry become much more touchy. they're constantly clinging to each other by the end of the event.

gwen's feelings for harry seem to evolve over the run from platonic during high school to something deeper by the time they part ways in madripoor. they never kiss or acknowledge any feelings, they never go on a date, but something has shifted.

it's still ultimately ambiguous as to whether this dynamic is romantic or platonic.

THE SYMBIOTE

in madripoor, gwen creates and then absorbs the venom symbiote, which restores her powers without a need for power-up pills, grants her a new set of abilities unique to her, and frees her from murdock's control...

though it takes a few very difficult weeks for her to get used to it, and she has to change her behavior and open up to others if she wants to maintain control of it. like with 616, a symbiote and its host are a relationship unto themselves.

when the symbiote is created by gwen, it's to save harry. and when gwen gains control of it, it's thanks to the sound of her band. the people gwen has the strongest emotional connections to are the reason why she's able to regain her power and be her most authentic self. (in other words, gwen's at her most free when she embraces her feelings for both men and women)

her symbiote "makes you who you always wanted to be" and removes your inhibitions-- it doesn't corrupt you, it reveals who you were all along. gwen isn't in a relationship with a sentient being, she's in a relationship with herself.

so what does gwen want all along? gwen's symbiote helps her escape a situation threatening to take her agency away. it helps her maintain her freedom by taking her on the lam, and eliminates and menaces people she views as threats to her and her father's safety.

she also finally reveals her identity to her friends, the parkers, and the entire city.

gwen's symbiote gives her a repulsive, frightening appearance and makes it difficult to be sexualized or touched without her consent. probably pretty appealing for a girl who keeps being pressured into intimate situations she doesn't want.

it's mentioned by the watchers that gwen keeping her symbiote would jeopardize the earth-8 future, and her earth-8 children refer to it as gwen's 'greatest villain' who she presumably defeated before marrying miles. why? what about the symbiote makes it such a threat, other than that an uninhibited gwen would never want to live in heteronormative bliss with miles?

this means that gwen-8 either rejected the opportunity to live as her truest self... or had it taken from her, and everyone around her, including her own children, believe it was the right thing to do. we don't actually know what gwen-8 thinks about it-- or anything about her life on earth-8-- because she never actually appears in-canon. we're only told by other people that she Sure Is Happy. hm.

gwen-617 is revealed to have become her world's venom equivalent. of the two futures we see for gwen, one is a heterosexual marriage with a nuclear family where she's kept offscreen so she can't tell us what she honestly thinks about her life, and the other's a single, childless, uninhibited gwen who bounces through the multiverse protecting other gwens' agency. one gwen loses and demonizes her symbiote, the other uses it as a source of empowerment.

so literally, having the symbiote sets gwen free from her worst fear: having to be spider-man's love interest.

gwen-617 bursts into earth-8, the heteronormative world, and tells the watchers [and the readers/writers they represent] upset that it might not happen: "what about this is so scary to you?" it's a challenge to let gwen be single, queer and independent in her own world instead of becoming some guy's girlfriend again.

even though gwen-65 has no idea this conversation occurs, she still makes the choice to voluntarily re-host her symbiote and stay in her world after her release from prison despite being able to move to 616. she's choosing to take after 617.

in other words, gwen's embracing her queerness in her own world for the first time, when she could recloset herself or leave for another world where she still has a 'secret identity' as a normal, read: straight girl.

the takeaway: gwen is definitely queer. we just don't know what kind of queer. she might be a lesbian. she might be bisexual. she might be asexual.

regardless, she starts the run concealing her true self from her loved ones as she grapples with guilt over peter [over not being straight], resists giving in to comphet, and ends the run by becoming her most authentic self and coming out in her own world.

IN SPIDERGEDDON (2018)

key words: own world. when gwen's in spiderverse events, she's depicted as more girlbossy and chipper than she is at home, and also doesn't use her symbiote much or at all, even when she logically would.

again this is probably due to writers being unfamiliar with her personality or powers. which means in-universe, gwen has kept it to herself.

so in a sense, gwen's still closeted to the other spider-people because she's afraid they'll reject her if they find out she's 'not one of them.' (remember: her first exposure to the spiderverse consisted of being constantly come onto by peter after peter. she knows what they want from her and that if she isn't in the club, she'll be vulnerable to interdimensional threats). for instance, the one time gwen does use her symbiote in spidergeddon, she waits until all the spider-men she's with leave first, even though she's in serious danger. very telling.

anyway: gwen's at the center of a subtle love triangle with hobie and miles that was definitely inspiration for atsv.

unlike in atsv, while miles still carries a torch for gwen, she's friendly to him but indifferent to his crush. (note that this event came out the same year as itsv, where miles's one-sided crush on gwen is a plot point. synergy.)

but when hobie shows affection, this time she's receptive to him.

contrast gwen's reactions to hobie and miles. when miles gushes over gwen, she throws him a peace sign and keeps her distance. when hobie throws himself at her for a hug, she lets him have it and keeps coming back for more.

there's a clear difference: gwen was serious about not wanting a romantic relationship with miles and is keeping that door shut. she feels the opposite about hobie-- initially she was only interested in friendship, but as of spidergeddon her feelings have evolved. this hug is probably the moment something shifted.

gwen stays close to hobie throughout the event. they're always together during the fighting and are drawn to each other after the funeral. they're constantly protecting and checking in on each other. (... and gwen is more concerned about him than peter and miles)

gwen returns his embrace, see above.

both assume responsibility for the funerals: he leads the eulogy, she informs the dead's loved ones.

she also reciprocates his touches (not dissimilar to what she does with harry when he returns from abroad).

she confides in him about her visit to earth-3109, the world where gwen and em jay are a couple. his immediate response is to insist on staying with her for support and tell her she doesn't have to fight her battles alone. he knows.

hobie suggests they find time to hang out together again. gwen shuts it down because she doesn't want to stress the collapsing multiverse. even though gwen isn't as enthusiastic about meeting again as hobie is, she's sad when they part ways, so it seems like she wanted to say yes.

they haven't interacted again, so i guess the vibe still stands.

very interesting that we're revisiting gwen's connection with hobie and making the interest mutual. remember, the last time they met, gwen was pretty firmly regarded as peter's love interest and wasn't allowed to like anyone but him. now that we're officially out of the Peter's Designated Girlfriend era, she can reciprocate. when gwen takes steps towards emancipation, she gets closer to hobie.

also, another confirmation that she knew peter-65 was attracted to her, and that she was uncomfortable with it. she wasn't unresponsive because she was oblivious-- she was trying to discourage peter. you know, exactly like what she's doing with miles during this event.

the takeaway: gwen's not comfortable enough around other spider-people to be herself, but she's getting firmer about rejecting comphet. she's still interested in some men though.

IN THE MCGUIRE RUN (2018-2021)

GWEN'S GENDER IDENTITY

... yeah there's not much for the trans coding. nothing disproves the reading but not much supports it either.

people glaring at the sight of gwen on a date with harry, gaping at her, politicizing her when it's convenient, jumping at the chance to demonize her at the slightest indication that she did something wrong... sure, it could be her city reacting to her as an out trans woman, but it's also that she's a famous controversial superhuman who got out of prison a month ago.

the trans coding still works, but in general, the vibe the power-up pill arc in the latour run gave gwen largely fades away past this run. so she's presumably cis from here on out.

GWEN'S SEXUALITY

gwen, 52 days out of prison at the start, is ready to restart her life and trying to adjust to a world where everyone knows her secret identity. she wants to "have it all"-- a normal college experience, friends, superhero adventures... and yes, she tries dating too. it doesn't end well.

("have it all" is a phrase famously associated with the modern career woman. think every 90s romcom protagonist: if you can juggle a heterosexual relationship, a family, a social life and a career, you 'have it all.' like earth-8 gwen. so gwen, fresh out of prison, is trying to emulate this ideal.)

gwen's coming off of having been locked up and abused for a series of events that started with her not being romantically interested in a boy... and is emerging into a community that has mixed feelings about her.

she can't perform with her queer friends without the venue being bombed.

she can't go on a date without being kicked out of the building because the sight of her is upsetting the customers.

she has to go to school in another city where no one knows her because at home she's gaped at.

and even at school, someone figures out What She Is, stalks her, kidnaps her, and tries to sexually exploit her.

she's constantly scrutinized by the media.

her identity is used as a political prop.

she's ultimately driven out in favor of sue and johnny storm-- two gorgeous, palatable straight celebrities who literally play up an incest vibe for ratings; so any straight activity is preferable to a single queer woman-- and has to flee to 616 to avoid being imprisoned again.

put into context, the latour run was about gwen coming to peace with her queerness, coming out and winning the support of her loved ones. the mcguire run is about gwen being rejected by her community after doing so and the consequences of that trauma.

said consequences being: gwen starts to regress to protect herself.

she cozys up to the cops instead of questioning their practices

she tries dating a boy

she starts spending a lot of time in another community where she isn't out to anyone but a single friend

she starts dressing like that community's preferred version of her (from here on out she has gwen-616's haircut, and her style is no longer androgynous and grungy.

she flees to that community when she's kicked out of her own, and stays in the closet while she's there.

(note that this run came out the year of itsv, and the status quo for this run is 'gwen becomes a multiverse-jumping spider who loves hanging out with peter and miles.' this was the first big attempt at forcing gwen into 616, and it's all for spiderverse synergy.)

HARRY OSBORN

the run opens with gwen running into harry and agreeing to eat with him at a diner. they bond, she shares her spider-gwen experiences with him, and they hold hands at one point.

but the interactions are ambiguous: are these dates, or just friends getting food? harry's still into gwen, but does she like him back?

after two more occurrences of this, he formally asks her out. and she agrees... while telling herself it's "normal".

she also needs no clarification that it's a date, so their diner meetups were dates too.

this is the end of the ambiguity about gwen's feelings for harry. nope, it's not just that he's her friend. it's romantic.

[so clearly, gwen's feelings shifted from platonic to something more before she went to prison and after harry returned from abroad. i'm guessing it happened when they reconciled after the green goblin fight. remember that very shippy embrace? and how the next time they meet right after siat, gwen drops everything to run across the world to his side? yeah.]

[also, gwen and harry discuss the prom, and refer to each other as having been each other's dates. so in hindsight, gwen does see herself as having accepted his proposal.]

but when they go on a formal date-- dressing up, gwen being given flowers, going out to a nice restaurant as a formal couple-- her internal monologue is nervous, she's taken aback by how expensive everything is, and panics and leaves in a rush.

to be clear, she flees because they're asked to leave the restaurant because the patrons recognize and are bothered by gwen. gwen tells harry she can't go through with the relationship because she thinks being a public figure makes dating too difficult... but something else might be going on here.

it isn't that she isn't attracted to him. even though she calls him a "really good friend" gwen continues to get touchy with harry, seek out his company, puts him on the same level of importance as the band, says he keeps her "sane" and that she "needs" him. they go back to casual diner dates and he turns up at her gig to support her. so gwen clearly does have feelings for him. and he's still into her, but willing to take things at her pace.

harry's even supportive of gwen being a superhero (... unlike em jay). he reassures her when she's doubtful. he's someone she confides in about her activities. he helps her access oscorp so they can investigate her symbiote together. he's worried she doesn't have any use for him since he doesn't have powers. he wants to be a part of her superhero life, but doesn't pressure her into making room for him.

like with miles, harry's written out quickly and never returns, but unlike miles, it's because harry gets put in a coma. he and gwen have a shippy bridal carry and she sits by his bedside, but after the mcguire run he's awakened offpanel and they haven't interacted again on-page.

there is no closure to their relationship.

PETER PARKER 616

the shippy vibe of spiderverse is dead. gwen and peter have a brother-sister dynamic.

she even takes shots at the idea that people think they might date, and keeps stressing that he's too old for her and she's not into him.

this all unfolds as gwen tells peter about her symbiote. he's the only spider-person who knows about it other than her.

revealing the symbiote and slamming the door on ever being interested in him romantically feel linked.

THE JACKAL

a 616 villain. empire state professor who's obsessed with cloning and "in love" with 616's gwen stacy. tracks spider-gwen to her home dimension and kidnaps her, straps her to a gurney, and declares he wants to keep her forever. another creepy man who wants to possess her.

MISC

gwen mentions miles is her friend a few times but makes no effort to see him when she's in 616, and cites him being in school as why (note that gwen brings up that peter's too old, and miles is too young). that 'friendship' is all spiderverse movie synergy.

gwen's 616 classmate, kosei, seems to have a crush on her. after a few interactions, she has a charged moment with him. it goes nowhere and we never see him again.

it gets real spicy when we get to the girls.

specifically, EM JAY

gwen begins the run circling a romance with harry, but then is dropped into an alternate dimension where gwen and mj are a couple (and peter and harry might have been one too). then, after gwen returns, she can't quite commit to a relationship with harry and he's conveniently written away as em jay comes into focus.

gwen starts noticing em jay's feelings for her, becoming more attentive to her and showing her special attention. if i had to guess, seeing gwen goblin/mj made gwen realize she could have that too (... or she feels as obligated to the gwen/mj relationship as she is to the gwen/spider-man one).

gwen notices em jay's written a song about wanting to be picked by a noncommital love interest, but dismisses it being about her.

em's belligerent crush attitude is back.

gwen's first instinct when the jackal threatens the girls is to protect em, even though glory and betty are also there.

gwen uses her portal necklace to take the janes to another dimension's version of em's favorite band, and plans to do it even more. all four girls are there, but gwen's attention is all on em jay. she and em jay throw their arms around each other and em jay's wearing a "latveria is for lovers" shirt.

and get this: glory's right there and doesn't mind. (also of note: glory commenting about em and betty hooking up. could be a joke, could be a sign the girls really are in a polycule. regardless, glory isn't the jealous type... at least for now)

when gwen's exiled by the storms, her final voicemail is to em jay.

the end of the run is devoted entirely to the tension in gwen and em jay's relationship bubbling over and imploding. the entire gwenom vs carnage event is incredibly gay.

first of all, gwen's roommates in 616 look exactly like the janes. so while stranded in 616, gwen made little effort to hang out with any of the spider-people there, including the men she's been shipped with, and sought out the closest thing to the band she could get.

jackal kidnaps em jay for an experiment intended to locate gwen because em has a "bond" with gwen (remember: he noticed gwen protecting her over the other girls), and infuses her with some of gwen's symbiote...

which causes her to teleport across dimensions to gwen by bursting through her heart. and to turn into carnage.

so, just like gwen, em jay's symbiote was activated by intense feelings towards men and women (fear of the jackal, love of gwen).

the symbiote, arguably a metaphor for her queerness, is what alienated gwen and em yet now connects them. it helps them work out their issues, but is also causing their conflict. hm.

throughout this run, gwen is interested in learning about her symbiote's potential with harry as it begins acting up... at the exact same time she's drawn towards em jay. in other words, she's exploring her sexuality with a guy, only to find it leading her towards a girl.

during the run, gwen is extremely in touch with her symbiote. she starts using its unique features, like her gummy spiders, and it even appears often-- and always in reaction to gwen being hurt, cornered or feeling threatened. at this point, gwen's symbiote has a clear motivation: defense, survival and protection-- of her, of people she views as vulnerable. she lets go of her reservations when she feels her physical safety-- and her freedom are threatened.

since 65 symbiotes remove their hosts' inhibitions, we learn em has been hiding a deep jealousy that gwen got the power and public attention instead of her, the frontwoman. she's angry that gwen's presence in her life has made it so difficult and that gwen left.

the conflict is that these girls who love each other a lot but not quite in the same way miss each other and want to be in each other's lives again. gwen comes to understand how hurt em is, but not why. em can't understand that gwen genuinely can't help her lack of commitment. so the conflict ends unresolved.

we get a flashback of gwen and em in middle school, and learn em first thought of the band then, as an activity she wanted to do with gwen together. the vibe's that em has had feelings for gwen for years, envisioned a future where they're together, and is upset that it hasn't come to pass. another layer to the conflict.

em jay, like harry, mimics peter parker: both em and peter are childhood friends of gwen's who have crushed on her for years, and are angry that their love is unrequited. both go on monstrous rampages to punish her for not returning their feelings and becoming someone they cannot control with a life that does not center them.

a shippy 'it's not you, i know you're in there' fight ensues, with gwen pulling her punches, trying to talk em down, and the girls landing on top of each other.

when discussing peter's death and her spider-heroics, gwen says she did it to protect harry... and em jay. (even though em was never threatened by the lizard fight at all)... this isn't about peter. this is about how gwen now thinks of harry and em in the same light. both are love interests to her now. (or, she understands both are attracted to her, but cannot reciprocate)

the fight starts when em jay literally bursts out of gwen's heart and ends with em in gwen's arms.

the mcguire run is bookended by gwenjay. it starts with gwen learning that in another world she and em jay are a couple, and ends in em jay's feelings for gwen erupting, and gwen's just starting to evolve.

SIDEBARS

the glory-gwen vibe from the latour run is gone. gwen no longer confides in her or has any vibey moments with her. i guess she had a bit of a crush and is over it now.

betty's interest in gwen has cooled off too. just friends.

sue storm has no chemistry with gwen, but she is foiled with her: both are blonde famous superhumans. gwen uses her powers responsibly but keeps being perceived as a villain; sue maintains a hero's reputation but is secretly evil. sue is beautiful and cares about her appearance, gwen's canonically mid-looking and isn't interested in being attractive to others. sue gains her powers by seducing dr doom; gwen gains hers by 'taking a boy's place' and denying him intimacy. sue plays along with the system and it rewards her, gwen tries to resist it and it spits her out. mentioned because sue is the female hero who forcibly takes gwen's place as new york's protector-- the one-two punch of earth-8/sue storm has given gwen a very clear picture of what she has to be like in order to be tolerated: she needs to cater to the male gaze, play along with the boys, partner up with a man, and get her power sneakily.

the takeaway: gwen's feelings for harry are confirmed as romantic. she also begins to reciprocate em jay's feelings for her... but doesn't seem totally aware that she does. the subtext is that gwen's bi or pansexual.

but as gwen's feelings start to evolve, her comfort with them devolves. now that she's out, gwen's trying to 'have it all' to regain her lost sense of normalcy and make herself palatable enough to be tolerated, but it fails. she loses the people she's trying to protect, wrecks two relationships before they can even begin, and the straight people she's trying to placate drive her out anyway, to a different city that's less accepting of her, where she goes back in the closet and stays.

coming out isn't a one-and-done thing. you do it over and over to everyone you meet, in every place you go-- and though sometimes, it's safer to keep it to yourself, it takes a serious toll on your relationships and your sense of self. that's the new status quo for spider-gwen going forward.

... it's not a happy story, but it's a very queer one.

LAST REMAINS (2020-2021)

(takes place before gwenom vs carnage, but probably after gwen's exiled.)

gwen and the order of the web protect peter as he deals with the return of the green goblin. they get briefly possessed by kindred, tear up 616, get better, get kidnapped and end up in a creepy dinner party setup the villain uses to punish peter.

not much to report. gwen interacts with cindy, julia, jessica, anya, peter and miles, and there's not a hint of romantic tension.

she and miles don't mention siat or his gushiness over her in spidergeddon, and behave like coworkers. given that tiana's in the picture by now, he's hopefully over gwen. or at the bare minimum, he can behave himself around her now.

with peter, she puts her foot down on not being a stand-in for his gwen or needing to be defended by him when norman skeeves out on her. which, great for her. but peter's backsliding into treating her like a gwen616 placeholder. years into their friendship, he still can't stop himself. and don't give the ~unhand her~ moment any credit: it's not about protecting gwen, it's about peter showing off how badass he is. gwen is back to being a vessel for his Dead Girlfriend Feelings.

... and none of their friends say or do anything about it.

symbiote sidebar: in general, during gwen's exile to 616 and during all the multiverse minis, gwen doesn't reference her symbiote once or use its unique abilities, even when she logically would. she uses it for spider-powers, and for quick changes, but nothing else. gwen hasn't rejected it, and has remained in control of it, but that's all.

apply the allegory and you get: gwen doesn't hate herself for her queerness, but doesn't feel comfortable enough to reveal it to anyone and only embraces the parts of it that help her fit in... and that behavior is starting to bleed over even when she's at home.

takeaway: inconclusive. gwen has no tension with anyone, and she's still holding her ground about not being a love interest, but peter's no longer listening to her.

SIDEBAR: SPIDER-PUNK (2022)

aside from hobie continuing to have an interest in gwen-- though he refers to her as a friend-- he drops her name to mattea murdock, who has the gayest possible design and a strong queer vibe (... and red hair and a name starting with the letter m) with kamala-138, and suggests they'd get along great.

you could interpret it a few different ways, including hobie wanting the girl he likes to meet his friends, and---because gwen told him about her time in gwen goblin's universe, including who that gwen was in a relationship with, hobie noticed that gwen's into women--- he's trying to set her up with his friend.

since he's spider-punk, i think both interpretations are correct; his entire friend group's got a polycule feel, most of them are canonically queer and even the ones that aren't have a strong queer vibe-- hobie included. if anything he probably wants her to join the polycule.

included here because even without gwen appearing in the miniseries, it keeps building the context: the only spider-man we know gwen hasn't rejected the advances of is the one who realized that gwen is queer, and he's supportive of it. he is also the first person outside of earth-65, and the first spider-person, who gwen has come out to.

GWENVERSE (2022)

not much to report here. gwen's still single. no sign of harry. no symbiote. gwen meets many alternate versions of herself. her characterization is very off the whole time, it's not clear how she made it back to her dimension after her exile and some of the lore is wrong (em didn't start the band with gwen; she started it with glory). it's very somehow-palpatine-returned.

but there are a lot of shippy moments with women here.

there's this moment where spider-zero saves her. and since zero is younger than miles and gwen is over 20 that's the most i want to say about it. gwen's age is another thing that seems to have been forgotten.

gwen visits a universe where the mj variant is ecstatic that gwen's a hero and fangirls out on her. and spider-zero seems a little annoyed that the woman she's into is getting attention from someone else.

this moment feels very shippy, especially since gwen just came from a world where her em is angry that being ghost-spider is pulling her away from the band.

... but gwen is uncomfortable with mj wanting to hug her. could be that this isn't the em jay she wants approval from. could be that gwen's interest in em jay has faded and she doesn't see her like that anymore. could be that even if em embraces gwen's powers, it still won't be enough for them to work as a couple. needs more data.

takeaway: she's still in her Have It All era, though: dipping out of her unaccepting home with another girl to meet women? hm.

SIDEBAR: END OF SPIDER-VERSE (2022)

gwen is a minor character in this crossover. nobody flirts with her, nobody comes onto her, and she's too busy trying to stab peter to take interest in anyone.

but since she's possessed by shathra the whole time, she and all the other waspified spiders she's with during this event (including miles and hobie) are out of character for the whole crossover. we can't really take anything here as evidence for an argument.

(no symbiote, btw. so as far as we know, she's still keeping it a secret.)

takeaway: inconclusive

SIDEBAR: GWENPOOL (2023)

gwenpool / gwendolyn poole isn't actually a variant of gwen stacy. gwen poole is a totally different woman.

however, everyone assumes they're variants, to the point where gwen's marvel rising adaptation ended up with her pink hair because her concept artist accidentally referenced gwen poole. this hair has been adapted for the spiderverse movies too so at this point it's gonna be here to stay and most people assume they're variants.

i'm mentioning her here because of the potential impact of this character's sexuality on the overall perception of spider-gwen:

gwenpool is canonically aroace. she has an entire comic about that experience, mentions it multiple times elsewhere, and has worn the flag.

and if almost everyone who sees gwenpool assumes she's gwen stacy... you do the math.

MISC ALTERNATE GWENS

first and foremost, gwen-616. dater of men, lover of guys with football player builds, infamous love interest of peter parker. clearly intended to be straight at the time she was written, though she's had a few 👀 moments with mj. this is the gwen spider-gwen was created in response to and is constantly compared to and in conversation with. notably, everyone (friends and enemies; by characters within the stories, and the writers and audience who make and receive them) treats spider-gwen as a copy or lesser version of gwen-616.

an alternate spider-gwen is a valkyrie who has a charged moment with an mj. gay.

spider-gwen and mj get vibey during a zombie apocalypse in a-force (... as early as 2015). gay.

gwen-8, supposedly a 'possible future' of gwen-65 who leaves her world, marries miles and has his kids. definitely intended to be straight. but if it really IS gwen-65, given all the coding, she's closeted and miserable and i hope she goes out for cigarettes and never comes back

gwen-617, a split-timeline version of 616 gwen stacy who doesn't die on the bridge, eventually leaves her peter parker and is content as a seemingly-single woman living as a superhero. inconclusive, but given that she's contrasted to gwen-8, the Straight Option, i think gwen-617 should probably be assumed to be queer.

marvel action gwen: a continuity where she, miles and peter are high schoolers who attend a daily bugle internship program together and spider-people who work as a team. gwen's just friends with both boys (and is better friends with them here than in the main continuity) with no hint of a romantic subplot with either of them-- though she does get a ship tease with harry osborn. glory has em jay's usual role of being gwen's belligerent band leader bff (make of that what you will). gwen's got an extremely gay fashion sense, discusses clashing with her father over it, and how she's not sure how to move forward with her life because she's "proud of who [she is] but going public could ruin [her] dad's life." she's into guys, but there's a hint of bisexual coding.

earth-3109: the mcguire run opens with gwen spending multiple issues interacting with an alternate version of herself, gwen goblin, who she helps get back together with her mj. this is a lesbian couple marvel won't let kiss or say 'i love you'

what if? dark's spider-gwen is a variant of gwen-616 whose boyfriend peter dies, and has a charged interaction with mj. probably intended as straight, given that it's written by gerry conway

earth-21798: this one's a bit of a reach, but the continuity where gwen stacy becomes the vigilante nightbird involves a backstory where she's preyed on by professor warren and flash thompson-- more abusive comphet-- and studies psychiatry at an asylum, before going insane and being committed there. maybe it's just me, but even though this character's 'based on batgirl'... she screams poison ivy (creepy professor) and harley quinn (abuse+committed to the asylum she once worked at). and harley and ivy are now famously bisexual. harley even shares gwen's status as a female character who spent decades defined as a more prominent male character's love interest, before stepping out of his shadow as her own person as the toxic sexual tension with her redheaded friend comes into focus... who gets put back into that guy's shadow because of a major movie release and will supposedly get a solo movie co-starring with other women a la birds of prey. (fun fact, the writer of the upcoming 2024 ghost-spider ongoing? used to write for harley quinn. hmm.)

RAPID FIRE SHADOW CLONES GWENS:

an alternate gwen is seen marrying a man who looks a lot like peter parker. so, into men at the minimum.

an alternate spider-gwen is male, with the trans flag and symbol (⚧) pinned to his costume.

an alternate gwen is having a fruity mj interaction at college. inconclusive, but probably queer.

an alternate gwen is standing in front of a pride flag.

bringing these up because the number of gwen variants created after spider-gwen debuted that are queer or queer-coded is unusually high. it is more likely for a spider-gwen to be queer than for her to be straight, and the creation of spider-gwen in the first place is what probably tugged all the gwens after her in this direction. there's a growing consensus among the people writing and drawing marvel comics that gwen is queer, even from people who've never written for her at all.

(the animated spider-gwen section isn't here because of organizational issues. i'd recommend rereading it and noting the progression as it relates to the comics canon:

in the earliest days of gwen's character, they tease a relationship with peter or keep her totally uninvolved with any romance.

but as time goes on, she starts gravitating more towards women. (not-so-coincidentally during the mcguire run era, where gwen starts leaning towards em jay romantically.)

and then everything changed when the spiderverse attacked.

-> (... given that these movies take many years to make, they're discussing a canon that's 3-5 years behind the release date.

-> do the math: itsv came out in 2018, and centers gwiles, which was attempted in 2016/17, and depicts gwen the way she was written in sv crossovers: a hypercompetent straight girl here to have a romantic tease with the important spider-man.

-> atsv released in 2023, centers gwiles, which has been a nonentity since 2018, features margo kess and a miles-gwen-hobie love triangle-- both of which only appear in a 2018 event, and calls gwen "spider-woman," when she's been ghost-spider since 2018.

-> Not Great that the atsv script would've been written when gwen's queercoding-- in particular her sapphicness-- was very clearly present in her comics.... and the spiderverse writers completely ignore this, include no positive female relationships with gwen, and emphasize how totally into boys gwen is, and how she prefers the straight boy she has little connection to over the queer boy she's spent months with. so either they didn't bother to read past the first handful of issues in her solo run... or they did, and intentionally left her sexuality out because it would be an obstacle to gwen being miles's future girlfriend.

-> the trans coding is important! but it's still only implication, and switching out one queer identity for another isn't good. they aren't interchangeable. and gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. she could've been both trans and bi.

-> atsv is clearly taking inspiration from sitting in a tree, but they're inverting the story: now instead of a closeted-queer girl trying to worm her way out of a heteronormative relationship being forced on her by canon... a presumably-straight (but trans-coded) girl wishes she could be in a heteronormative relationship being denied to her by canon. you get that's worse, right?

-> so atsv is simultaneously depicting a queer(-coded) girl coming out... as it's erasing her queerness and insisting that getting a straight boyfriend is the answer to her problems.

-> btsv is probably going to borrow from comics releasing right about now. so given that gwen's sexuality has been all but confirmed this year to be "bi and in the closet" and she’s being dragged out of her homeworld for spiderverse-synergy (… and therefore, gwiles)…. we'll see what beyond the spiderverse does about that. if they ignore it, it's definitely on purpose.

RELIGION SIDEBAR

here because there isn't a better place to put it.

plenty of alternate gwen stacys have had crosses on their graves, gwen-616's mother had a christian memorial service according to the gwen stacy miniseries, and sv gwen says grace with her dad and is irish-american, so is most likely catholic.

the status quo for the stacy family seems to be that they are or were christians.

gwen-65 and her father aren't religious, and haven't been since high school at the latest since it isn't mentioned in the latour run, but given all the other gwens likely had this background, it's more likely that she did than that she didn't.

if we're taking after 616, they likely were at the time of her mother's death. which means the falling-out happened sometime after gwen was a toddler and before age seventeen.

this is a sidebar because if gwen-65 had a religious background it adds a new wrinkle to gwen's tendency towards repressing herself: she likely shares the common queer experience of growing up in a religious household and later distancing herself from said religion (right around the time a lot of kids figure out they're queer), but still holding onto some of the behaviors it instilled in her.

which retroactively means latour-gwen's guilt, repression, initial black-and-white view of right and wrong, need to punish wrongdoers and protect the innocent, and later belief in redemption for herself and others may stem from that upbringing too-- much in the same way that a lot of peter's behavior can be interpreted as coming from his jewish background.

and her perception of fate, canon, and the omniscient watchers will be interpreted through an ex-christian point of view. she's probably going to interpret these concepts in line with god's plan, canon law, and, well, an all-seeing god.

so when gwen discovered the multiverse, and that the higher power she rejected or distanced herself from (probably in part due to queer angst) does seem to exist, and given her usual fate, hates her more than she could have ever possibly imagined... except for in the utopian future where she marries miles, she would absolutely have associated that with "you can only go to heaven if you're straight."

[... during siat, when gwen discovers earth-8, the antagonist gwen's facing a future of being trapped with is the devil of hell's kitchen]

there's no way that wouldn't absolutely fuck her up. the existential horror is off the charts.

(on a less depressing note, since christianity's the default for a gwen, especially a gwen who takes after 616, when gwen-617 tells off the watchers gathered on earth-8... it's a middle-aged queer woman breaking into heaven to tell a hostile god "there was never anything wrong with my younger self, leave her alone.")

in SHADOW CLONES (2023)

gwen interacts with em, but doesn't have any chemistry with her. em's still belligerent, so i guess there's that.

gwen has zero chemistry with a new character, her boss mateo, yet has a crush on him that apparently has existed for three months. he asks her out on a date she bails on to fight crime, and then she asks him out at the end of the miniseries. we never see the date. we don't even know if she went through with it. regardless after this mini he never returns or is referenced. so clearly it didn't work out.

gwen also mentions being interested in dating, and having "some" feelings for mateo-- but believes she's unable to pursue anything thanks to her superhero responsibilities and lack of confidence.

we glimpse dozens of alternate gwens, including yes, one gwen marrying a man--identity unclear, most likely peter. which is extra questionable given that the wedding is juxtaposed with text describing the villain's loss of "a chance for love"-- therefore implying that gwen's 'chance for love' was peter.... does the writer realize that spider-gwen was never attracted to her peter parker?

anyway. there are many more single and queercoded gwens. featuring a panel of our spider-gwen surrounded by them with a pride flag dangling over her head.

like. come on.

shadow clones is... confused. it uses that surface-level girlboss gwen characterization writers unfamiliar with her default to, resurrects her blushy need for a relationship with a guy she's had no romantic interactions with not seen since siat-- and it's all dropped right after.

it also forgets that gwen has a symbiote. and given that her symbiote is tied up in her queercoding... yeah. sounds about right. hey maybe it ate mateo.

the takeaway: shadow clones gwen feels very written-as-straight, but put into context with the rest of her continuity, it feels like gwen's comphetting again in response to spending so much time in limbo between worlds. she's still trying to Have It All. and as she's assimilating back into her own world, part of her process is getting a boyfriend.

but the flag's still there. so at the least, there's an acknowledgment that many of gwen's alternate selves are queer.

... it doesn't feel like a coincidence that this characterization happens the year atsv is released featuring the most boy-crazy spider-gwen yet. or that her out-of-nowhere love interest is a latino guy whose name starts with the letter m. synergy.

(... or that shadow clones introduces a trans-coded genderbent spider-gwen in the same year that spiderverse gwen is coded as a trans girl.)

bonus pride flag easter egg on the backpack:

SMASH & GIANT SIZE (2024)

where we're at now.

[minus the annual where apart from some minor tension with white fox/ami, who gwen has never met before and will never see again, the only thing to note is that gwen's being drawn with a very queer fashion sense: when given an opportunity to put gwen in a bikini, a princess gown and a flapper dress, she's instead given a wetsuit and leather vest, armor, and a suit.]

combining these two because they were written back-to-back by the same writer. same creative vision.

gwen is back with her band, touring for dazzler and co, who are being stalked by earth-65's bruce banner.

this is the first time gwen takes part in a textually queer story, because in issue 3, it's confirmed that em jay is in love with gwen, in issue 4, that gwen doesn't feel the same right now, but believes she could someday. and in giant-size, that one of gwen's greatest fears relates to losing a queer girl to the closet.

CONTINUITY SIDEBAR

glory having a problem with em jay's interest in gwen is a new development, and em using glory as a placeholder for gwen is too (remember how she and glory got together only after reassuring glory that she isn't one?) i guess we can streamline this into:

em tried to move on from gwen, but ultimately couldn't. she just shoved those feelings down without ever letting go of them. gwen's return from prison woke them up, they've been eating at her ever since, and they became toxic during gvc.

glory's fine with em sleeping with other people, but not when serious feelings are involved. or, she tried to be a good sport about it but now that it's fucking up the group dynamic she's on the verge of a breaking point.

gwen started to realize em had feelings for her-- and that she might return them-- but her exile forced her to set that aside and she's compartmentalized it away. now that she's spending more time on 65 and with the girls, they're reemerging because she's starting to poke her head out of the closet again. and if em jay's parting words to gwen are any indication, they're one conversation away from gwen coming out.

anyway. s+gs is FULL of gay shit.

em's jealousy of gwen and dazzler's connection is explicitly romantic, as called out by glory. it's possessive too: emjarnage says dazzler's taking "what doesn't belong to [her]"

so's em's anger that ghost-spider is 'taking gwen away from her'

glory hates being a "third wheel" to gwen and em jay

for the first time since the mcguire run, glory and em jay's relationship is acknowledged. they never kiss, but they're constantly touching and they sleep in the same bed on the tour bus

the tension in the band stems from the glory -> em -> gwen love triangle, now back from the latour days but textually confirmed for the first time

em jay passes up an embrace with glory to hug gwen, and several panels show gwen separating (... coming between) the two of them

smash opens with em jay singing about how her love interest will regret leaving her in the past, as she's looking at gwen.

em jay is kidnapped and gwen comes to save her in a classic damsel-in-distress storyline

em jay's love for gwen is compared to bruce banner-65's stalkerish obsession with dazzler

a dazzler song plays over gwen and emjarnage's fight, about the pain of being in love with a fantasy, and realizing your crush doesn't want you back

even the focus on mutants in the miniseries connects, since mutants are an allegory for minority groups-- increasingly, queer people specifically

dazzler's a mutant pop star. her character in 616 always had connotations of "female pop star with an enormous gay fanbase that she's an outspoken ally of." no surprise that she turns out to be an ally of the mary janes.

natasha romanoff, whose 616 counterpart is bisexual, makes an appearance. doesn't feel like a coincidence.

gwen remembers that em jay likes dazzler's sparkly microphone and gifts it to her at the end of the series.

as of smash, everyone has noticed the tension between gwen and em jay and calls it out. betty jokes about gwen being distracted by em's "big long tongue". (glory gets mad about the joke.) they're called "an unconventional pair" by orlando octavius and a "striking pair" by mortis.

even gwen calls em "thirsty" and offers to... help with that by giving her bottled water. the double entendre is obvious.

when em jay turns into carnage, we get a replay of the i-know-you're-in-there fight from gvc. twice. and both times, em jay's go-to move is pinning gwen to a wall and licking her face as mortis comments about how their dynamic is "complicated".

just like in the jackal confrontation, gwen favors protecting em over glory and betty.

when em jay leaves gwen, it's because their 'partnership' is toxic. the scene is on a rooftop at sunset with another woman pulling away to 'give them a moment', and it ends with them staring into each other's eyes, embracing, and gwen shaking and crying as em jay tells her she loves her. that's our last image of them in this story.

it's queer.

but what kind of queer story is it?

the central conflict, that gwen's queer friend group are angry at her for not being what they want her to be, reads as an allegory for two specific queer experiences:

1: an openly queer friend group being frustrated that a friend they can tell is queer hasn't come out yet. they tried to be patient and supportive and to let her do it on her own terms, but she just isn't getting there on her own, and if anything is regressing and pulling away from them. they're upset, they're concerned... and they're tired. and gwen, still in the closet, can't articulate why she's having such difficulty staying with them.

then gwen ends smash by acknowledging em jay's feelings for her and admitting she's open to a romantic relationship with her (which implies other women are on the table too).

when giant-size picks up right after, all the old signs that she's crushing on em jay are coming back: double entendres aplenty. gwen being more protective of em than the others. gwen getting emotional when em jay leaves her because they're finally getting somewhere with their dynamic and she wants to keep going.

em revealing herself as carnage on live tv is referred to as a "coming-out party"

when gwen sends betty and glory to safety, she throws them in a closet, and one of her worst fears is leaving them in it until they die. or, in other words: losing her relationships with them forever because she never comes out.

gwen has started fearing gwenom, her most uninhibited self, again.

2: variations on the same theme: queerphobia within queer friend groups. the mary janes might not be comprised only of lesbians, but they are completely uninterested in men. that kind of dynamic can be unwelcoming if you don't quite fit the bill. two options here.

-> a: gwen is asexual and her sapphic friend group is mad that she genuinely isn't attracted to them.

they consider booting her out because she's 'not really one of them'

gwen worries that her lack of attachment makes her a bad or broken person

all of em jay's advances on gwen are treated with reluctance and repulsion. gwen does not like being touched by carnage.

or the more likely answer:

-> b: gwen is bisexual and her sapphic friend group is angry that she won't "commit" to 'their side.' and no one's angrier than em jay, the only other confirmed bi girl in the group.

gwen's struggling to reconcile the two sides of herself after spending so much time only favoring one, in a community where the default perception of gwen stacy is Straight Girl.

look again at gwen's dilemma of being torn between two worlds: a world of straight men who want her in a heteronormative relationship that is fundamentally bad for her, that she has no choice but to continue visiting and is under immense pressure to stay in forever; and a world full of queer women who want her to commit to them only, even though it's fundamentally not in her nature to do so. the multiverse-hopper gwen arc is about the bisexual experience.

the girls' problems with gwen are dead ringers for biphobia: she can't commit to us, is she even one of us at all, can we really trust her, that other side of her is causing problems for us, she can hang out with us but she better not bring up What She Is.

em jay hasn't dated or been interested in a male character after committing to the band. she 'chose a side' -- dating women-- and expects the others to as well. gwen included.

she and gwen are the only symbiote hosts. and it takes an emotional response to both male and female characters to activate their symbiotes.

unlike gwen, em jay has no control of her symbiote. when gwen's was like this it was all the way back when she hadn't come to peace with herself yet.

so what's em jay repressing? can't just be her romantic feelings for gwen, because they're out in the open, yet she still has no control.

aside from her lack of anger management and issues with possessiveness, there's something else too: remember em jay's history with internalized biphobia? how she got a reputation as a promiscuous, noncommital, untrustworthy girl and a bad friend?

now, as her relationship with glory's breaking down because em "can't commit" to either her or gwen and she thinks she's about to lose a friend... her reputation's coming true.

em jay's hate of her and gwen's symbiotes goes hand-in-hand with her anger at herself for not being able to get over gwen and at gwen for not loving her back and not "choosing a side" like she did (maybe gwen's fame isn't the only thing em's jealous of).

she outright says she feels like ghost-spider, half of who gwen is, is an obstacle to them being together.

she's taking out her internalized biphobia on gwen.

not a coincidence that this also happens to be a story where symbiotes are used extensively-- the most since the mcguire run.

THE SYMBIOTES

as gwen's reconnecting with her community and her queer friends, and acknowledging the possibility of her own queerness, she's starting to drop the mask she wears in 616: she's whipping her symbiote out in front of a crowd instead of waiting to be alone before she uses it.

the symbiotes take center stage in the climax of smash when em jay turns into carnage again. this is gwenom vs carnage round two except now the quiet part's being said out loud: em jay is in love with gwen and angry that her feelings are not reciprocated.

gwenom emerges when gwen is cornered and helps her flee and eliminate the people she views as threats to her safety and freedom. gwen's most authentic self is ruthlessly committed to protecting her own freedom and safety-- and that of others.

emjarnage emerges when em jay is angry at gwen, and wants to dominate her. em jay's most authentic self is a lot like the lizard or miles: someone who loves gwen not as an equal, but as a possession.

right as she and gwen discuss her feelings, we learn carnage is still active: it's out there, and now they have to deal with it.

emjarnage keeps emerging and she still has no control of it, because her core instincts haven't changed.

and gwen keeps beating it down while never using her gwenom morph... because after spending so long dodging her problems in the multiverse, she has repression problems now too.

-> given that giant-size has closet joke after closet joke, it's pretty clear what she's repressing. the subtext is obvious.

in giant-size, gwen works with emjarnage for the first time -- you know, as partners-- as the tension between them is acknowledged by their supporting cast.

and when mysterio exposes their deepest fears, it's not clear whose are whose. the simplest explanation is these are fears they both have in common.

two of them are gwenom and emjarnage. they're afraid of their own-- and one another's-- most uninhibited selves. why.

gwen's afraid of emjarnage because she can't ignore em's feelings for her... or that there's a toxic element to them: em doesn't just want to be with gwen, she wants to be the center of gwen's world, and to punish her for stepping out of line.

-> for some reason, they haven't followed up on their promise to talk about em's feelings, and gwen isn't ready to reciprocate. this is probably why. gwen doesn't want to be with someone who hates half of who she is, or who wants to control her.

em's afraid of emjarnage because she doesn't like what her feelings for gwen turn her into: a jealous, possessive, abusive monster.

-> they refer to em and carnage as separate beings, and carnage behaves like a separate consciousness from em... but they're not, because that's not how earth-65 symbiotes work. neither can acknowledge that the toxicity is coming from em jay, so they displace it.

-> you know that tendency for queer women to insist that there's no way they could be toxic or abusive to each other because We're Queer Women? gwen and em jay are doing that here.

gwen's afraid of her own symbiote because the time gwen's spent refusing to use or acknowledge it has damaged her relationship with it. she's spent so long trying to get people to like her that she's lost touch with that core need to protect her own freedom at any cost and she has internalized the idea that it's a bad thing.

-> gwen hid her symbiote on earth-616, where she passed for straight. she still refuses to use it on em jay... because she knows em jay doesn't like that gwen isn't just sapphic. she's not out of the closet yet, remember?

and em's afraid of gwenom because if gwen's her most authentic self, she won't go along with what em wants from her. em jay wants total commitment and devotion from gwen, and sees ghost-spider as an obstacle to that, because ghost-spider is the literally empowed side of her that's capable of fighting back or leaving. and gwenom is gwen at her most uninhibited: ruthlessly dedicated to protecting her own agency, and in touch with her attraction to both men and women.

the third fear, of betty and glory dying because they were left behind in the closet during the fight pretty clearly symbolizes the fear of losing a girl you love to the closet.

in combination with the symbiotes, you get: gwen and em are so afraid of losing each other that they won't acknowledge the relationship they're on the verge of starting would be a toxic or outright abusive one.

and here's the thing-- it is. look at the way gwen and emjarnage behave:

the dynamic rollercoasters back and forth between intimacy (the women clinging to each other) and violence that's largely one-sided: it's emjarnage tying gwen up, yelling at her, threatening to kill her and anyone she shows attention to, and trying to hit, bite, scratch and throw things at her as gwen laughs it off, tries to talk her down or has to fight emjarnage to get her to stop while pulling her punches the entire time.

whenever emjarnage pins gwen to a wall and licks her face, gwen squirms away. there's clearly a sexual undertone, and gwen clearly doesn't want it. (it feels like a callback to gwen's fight with rhino)

in smash, as em's paralleled to abusive creep bruce banner, gwen insists that 'deep down em jay's still good' ... and they never actually solve the problem, they just brush it away and push on.

and then em jay does that shit again. it's a cycle.

in giant-size, em jay's set off by gwen making mistakes in her drumming. judging by the way glory and betty react, this has become routine: gwen does something minor wrong, em jay flies into a violent rage, and gwen has to scramble to stop her from hurting someone and put herself in harm's way to calm her down. it repeats again and again. nothing changes for the better.

(and they have yet to start on gwen unpacking her own feelings because their dynamic is all about placating em jay... and because if they do, they'll have to acknowledge that gwen isn't just sapphic: she's bi. and em jay doesn't like that.)

you know what this is an allegory for. if em jay were a guy, you'd say it right away. queer people can be in toxic relationships too. (... and compared to lesbians and straight women, bisexual women are even more vulnerable to abuse, intimate partner violence and victimization, even from other queer people.)

but here's the twist: em jay owns it.

she acknowledges that her behavior is harmful, she absolves gwen of the responsibility for containing it, she takes the initiative to get a grip on her impulses and to stay away until it's handled. and she doesn't want gwen to go any further with her until that happens.

like harry, em jay has become a foil of peter parker and done what he never could: acknowledge that she doesn't have a right to control gwen, that her behavior isn't acceptable, and that it's on her to fix it.

in other words: the central conflict of gvc has been resolved. gwen now knows why em is so upset with her: em jay is in love with her. and em now understands how difficult it is for gwen to have her powerset, and why her sudden departures are often necessary (even her jealousy has been resolved: now em has her own power source, and the whole world knows about it so her fame is skyrocketing to a level comparable with gwen's.). she's also taken responsibility for her toxic behavior... at least for now. we have no idea if it'll stick or not.

the takeaway: off this miniseries alone, gwen is textually bicurious and wants to explore her feelings for a girl. put into context with the rest of her canon, gwen is definitely queer, and definitely in the closet.

she's letting go of her need to "have it all" by wanting to stay in earth-65, with her queer friend group. and she wants to talk out her feelings with the girl she likes... but can't do that until said girl addresses her own issues first.

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

yes, comics spider-gwen could be read as trans. but it's iffy. the coding fades away after the latour run. if you want to read her as such, you can, but the hill to climb is steep and getting steeper with every year that passes. (and they'll probably never bring that coding back, let alone make her canonically trans, because straight guys really want gwen to be cis, and one of the biggest draws to gwiles is gwen being the vessel for miles's children; they're gonna want to leave the door open to that being possible.)

but over the past decade, it's become all but clear that gwen is definitely not straight. the subtext was there from the moment gwen got her own backstory, but it's gotten clearer as time has passed and more and more of her writers her have tripled down on this aspect of her character. gwen is queer. the only way you can't see it is if you have no familiarity with her character or if you're intentionally denying it.

the specifics of her queerness have fluctuated. under latour, gwen seems more asexual, under mcguire she leans towards bi. her writers have mostly oscillated between those two. not all the people writing her seem to realize it, but most of them do, and even some of her artists have given her a queerer fashion sense.

we're now reaching the point where we're in an emperor's-new-clothes situation with gwen's queerness: the readers know, the writers know, the artists know, but it can't be canonized since

1) gwen is a character marketed to children. she's the biggest female spider-hero marvel has, and they won't want to jeopardize losing merch sales if homophobic parents lash out and decide their kids' hero being queer makes her a bad role model. 2) gwen is a variant of gwen-616, one of the most famous Girlfriends Of Comics. men have spent fifty years jerking it to gwen, who tends to be stereotyped as an uptight Good Girl, and marvel's not going to want to disrupt that fantasy. 3) gwen's biggest push to date has come from the spiderverse movies, which are why she's been rebranded as a ~multiverse character~, deaged to a teenager and keeps getting pushed as a trio with peter and miles. and since she's miles's love interest in the movies and people fucking love this whitebread romance, they're not gonna want to dilute that while spiderverse synergy's making them money.

odds are gwen hasn't said she's queer yet because of outside factors. out-of-universe, it's that marvel is homophobic and wants to make as much money off gwen as possible, and thinks her queerness is an obstacle to that. so they aren't letting the writers go there.

so in-universe, the way to explain this disconnect is that gwen is in the closet about her sexuality. all but confirmed as of giant-size given all the closet jokes.

[and because gwen is 1) a Gwen Stacy, famed girlfriend of peter's and fantasy fuel for the mostly-male comics audience, and 2) the general public now sees her as Miles's Girlfriend thanks to the spiderverse movies, they will never make gwen a lesbian, or fully aromantic-asexual. marvel can make more money if they leave the door open for her to be shipped, especially with men. so they will. we're probably in the era of gwen being Miles's Designated Girlfriend and it'll probably last, at minimum, until after btsv comes out. it might even last forever.]

so. she won't be aroace, a lesbian or trans in canon. what can she be?

she's attracted to women, but doesn't consciously acknowledge it; gwen favors relationships with women, shows signs of attraction to them, and has admitted she might be interested in women and wants to explore those feelings, but has yet to confirm that she is.

she is attracted to men, just not as much as she thinks she is. when it comes to men, gwen distances herself from most male attention (peter parker, miles morales), but she is receptive to it from specific men under the right circumstances (harry osborn, hobie brown, possibly kaine).

but here's the interesting thing: gwen's a lot less interested in romance in general than she thinks she is-- every time gwen goes on a date, or is pushed towards a conventional romantic pairing, something goes wrong, she flees or she withdraws.

the first thing we ever see gwen do is make a romantically-charged vow of devotion to peter parker... after which point she treats him like a big brother, finds the idea of them dating repulsive and makes fun of it.

gwen is indifferent to dating in high school and to our knowledge never went out with anyone there.

gwen is aware that peter-65 is attracted to her and uncomfortable with his advances. it is important to her to bring this up to people often.

gwen doesn't realize harry is romantically interested in her when he asks her out. she accepts, but they never end up going to the prom together; they show up separately and then peter rampages.

gwen is uncomfortable with the world where she and miles marry and have children, tries and fails to make herself like it, and the more time passes, the angrier she gets about it.

gwen is receptive to some physical and emotional intimacy with hobie, but when he suggests they spend more time together, she becomes hesitant.

gwen flirts and is physically affectionate with harry, and goes out with him several times, but when they try to go on a fancy dinner date as a formal couple, she panics and flees as soon as it starts.

whenever em jay tries to get gwen to 'commit' to her and the mary janes, gwen responds with obliviousness, indifference or discomfort.

gwen accepts when her coworker mateo asks her out, but immediately bails to stop a robbery. later she hypes herself up to ask him out and succeeds, but we never hear of or from him again so clearly it didn't work out.

when gwen expresses interest in figuring things out with em jay (who she knows is in love with her), em has to put a stop to it and insist she needs to work on herself first because the situation is too toxic.

this could be due to many factors-- and aside from plain old not-feeling-a-spark, being too busy with superhero adventures, finding interdimensional dating too complicated, or just preferring to be single-- gwen has suffered a lot of trauma related to intimacy and relationships that needs to be acknowledged.

the initial trauma from peter taking gwen's lack of interest as an invitation to murder her date, gwen having to kill him to get him to stop, and the way everyone turned on her as a result of this domino effect.

the compounding trauma from the many, many other people who've tried to force her into relationships and intimate situations: the jackal and murdock wanting to possess her sexually, being groped by rhino, fate forcing her and miles together, peter treating her like a dead girlfriend traumadump, the many spider-men who've projected their gwens onto her, emjarnage.

the way gwen keeps getting shoved into intimate situations with both predatory older men and people she considers her friends, and comes out emotionally distressed saying "i didn't want it, i didn't want it, i didn't want it" to everyone in her life. and said male friends (and at this point, the fandom and certain makers of canon) don't believe her and keep doing it. (... and at this point, so does emjarnage) add to this her decision to keep a power that makes it difficult to be touched without her consent but also alienates her from all her actual friends... there's a sexual assault trauma allegory to be made

both her canon earth-65 love interests have been attacked because of their proximity to gwen: harry was put in a coma, and em jay was forced to host a symbiote

her awareness of her status as a Gwen Stacy, how the most prominent and beloved gwens tend to be straight or straight-passing, and how romantic relationships tend to cause variants of her harm... yet are still expected of her

hell, even her awareness of the many, many alternate spider-gwens who are in relationships with their mj watsons counts: is gwen reciprocating em's feelings because she actually wants to, or because she's seen so many versions of herself doing it and feels obligated to follow their lead? (remember, she also did this with peter and miles: she was exposed to an alternate world where she was their girlfriend, considered following that world's lead, and later snapped out of it and realized she wasn't being genuine.)

if she's religious: the existential horror of learning the higher power she rejected might actually be real, it dislikes her and she cannot escape it, and the only way it'll be nice to her is if she represses her true feelings and starts a nuclear family

she was put on trial and locked up for "breaking peter's heart", was abused behind bars and is so afraid of returning that she compromises who she is to win people back and constantly has one foot out the door of her own world

so she's clearly built up some walls to protect herself. if all you've ever experienced-- and all you've ever been told is possible-- is unwanted affection from people you aren't attracted to, or relationships with power dynamics that always hurt or disempower you, of course you're going to be resistant to romance.

however, gwen wasn't romance-driven in the first place. all the way back in high school, gwen was still indifferent to it. this lack of interest predates all her trauma. so if anything, the trauma's not preventing gwen from following through with romantic commitment-- it's forcing her to seek it out even when she doesn't want it. (... she wants to Have It All, right?)

look back at those relationships. there's a pattern: comic-gwen only tries to force herself into relationships whenever she feels pressured to fit in...

when she goes to the prom, she's expected to have a date, so she accepts harry's offer on autopilot

when she joins the spider-army and meets other spider-people for the very first time, and learns their leader/the Most Special Spider-Man had a gwen he was in a relationship with, she falls into that role of 'sensitive girl he needs to protect' with him and a few other peters because she wants to belong and make them and especially peter-616 like her

when she's depowered, her dad's in prison, murdock is exploiting her, and a higher power dangles the only happy future gwen has ever seen for herself since entering the multiverse in front of her and tells her "you have to end up with miles to get it", gwen kisses miles and contemplates a future with him

when she wants to feel normal after being released from prison, she goes out with harry, and cites that as her reason for doing so

when she wants to feel more confident and as she's integrating back into her world after her exile, she asks mateo (her boss) out.

when she's on the verge of reintegrating into earth-65 after bouncing through the multiverse and encountering mj after mj who's romantically interested in their gwen, and when putting off em jay's feelings is fucking up the band/friend group, she rushes to partner up with em jay (who controls the band and therefore whether gwen is allowed in it) and tolerate her toxic behavior even though the partnership is unsustainable and they've done nothing to unpack gwen's own feelings.

... only to pull away from those dates as soon as they start, because she realizes she doesn't want the relationships, just the stability and belonging that participating in them can give her. she's said it herself: she'll do "whatever it takes" to get by. and at this point, hypergamy is one of the tools she uses.

this isn't to say she isn't interested in romance at all. but gwen's romantic priorities are unusual.

gwen doesn't get jealous or possessive

gwen doesn't want to settle down or have kids

gwen doesn't want a longterm relationship that requires commitment, exclusivity or following typical romantic conventions, regardless of the gender of her admirer

gwen doesn't even seem to develop crushes on strangers

gwen wants love and affection, and is open to relationships, but she isn't motivated by dating or hookups and she isn't impressed by big romantic gestures. she's capable of being interested in specific people, but she does not seek out romance or sex and doesn't feel like anything's missing if she's single

gwen's attraction is very conditional, and only to people who satisfy the following:

1) a preexisting familiarity. every single person gwen has shown attraction to is someone she had to spend time with as a friend or acquaintence before she developed feelings for them.

glory, the first girl gwen shows attraction to, has been her friend for years. so are harry and em jay, her only canon love interests from her world.

gwen spent a lot of time with kaine we didn't see and according to them they got to know each other very well.

(i'd rather forget mateo exists, but gwen did spend three whole months as his employee before she started crushing on him, so technically he fits the pattern)

gwen had to get to know hobie platonically on their web-warriors adventures before she developed an interest in him.

2) respect. they need to care about gwen as a person, understand her boundaries, not treat her like a prize or object or turn on her if she decides to stop the relationship.

glory and em jay love gwen and constantly worry for her well-being. they call her out often, but their anger is always rooted in concern.

em jay's relationship with gwen falls apart when em resents that gwen's more powerful and famous than her, and that she isn't the most important priority in gwen's life-- because em doesn't want gwen to be her equal. and then when em jay finally understands where gwen's coming from, acknowledges it, and takes a step back to fix her shit... gwen's feelings for her are revived.

kaine doesn't coddle gwen, trusts her abilities, and works well with her as a teammate. and as a clone, he understands how it feels to be constantly compared to a 616 doppelganger and has had her back when she's been compared to gwen-616.

harry is contrasted with peter as the male friend who was able to respect that gwen didn't want a relationship. he listens to her, offers advice, takes things at her pace and doesn't hold her apprehensions against her.

hobie quickly shapes up and treats gwen like a friend and teammate. he's the middle ground between kaine (keeping it professional when they're on the job) and harry (wanting something more, but letting her set the terms).

harry, hobie and em jay begin with one-sided crushes on gwen that she only reciprocates after she sees proof that they can handle rejection without holding it against her, and that they respect her.

3) a similar lack of interest in conventional commitment. they aren't babies-ever-after people. they want something casual, nonmonogamous or unlabeled too.

glory and em jay are queer women in a relationship that doesn't seem exclusive (it's possible the mary janes are a polycule). the dynamic goes to shit when em starts favoring gwen over glory and demanding that gwen put her first.

if gwen and kaine hooked up, they got right back to business and he had no problem treating her like a partner afterwards.

harry and gwen are great when they're on the run together, investigating oscorp or having casual dates. the thing that fucks them up is trying to be a serious couple playacting traditional gender roles.

hobie is likely queer, possibly in a polycule with his own band and definitely not interested in conventional relationships given that he's spider-punk.

so. to try and pin it down, it seems like comic-gwen is bi/pan in terms of her preferences... while possibly being somewhere on the ace spectrum in terms of how she expresses her orientation (most likely demiromantic/sexual).

... and she's in the closet about some or all of this. but she's very, very close to figuring it out.

and the overall arc for gwen so far is:

gwen started to come to terms with her identity. she got over her internalized guilt over not complying with comphet, came out to her friends and family, and even her entire society… but she didn’t come out as any particular identity— she came out as “not straight.”

after encountering an alternate version of her that's queer, she even started to consider that she might be queer too, and took steps towards starting relationships with both a boy and a girl.

but after being imprisoned, rejected by her world and bombarded with messages from her friends, community and literally the entire multiverse that she will only be wanted and accepted if she 'straightens' up... she's starting to do that.

she's changed her look to be more feminine. she's losing her radical politics and regressing to something girlbossier. she's concerned with public perception. she keeps throwing herself into relationships that she keeps dipping out of. she spends more and more time in places where no one knows she's queer, and even when she comes home, she can't be herself anymore.

ironically, trying to be palatable only led to gwen alienating all the people who love her, losing her connection to the place she belongs, and hiding the most uninhibited parts of herself even when there's no one around to take issue with them... to the point where she's starting to fear those impulses again.

she started to let go of her need to "have it all" by recommitting to her home and her queer friends there. in doing so, her queerness is starting to reemerge, and she has made a commitment to face it and figure it out this time with someone she lost because of her recloseting.

but she also needs to realize queer relationships can be just as harmful as straight ones.

and if she's ever canonized as on the asexuality spectrum, she's got even longer to go before she figures that out.

.....and here comes the stuck-in-616 run! dammit!

so, where are we going from here?

instead of figuring her sexuality out with other queer people she trusts in a familiar environment... gwen's moving to the city she went to when she wanted to hide. "for good."

this city is even less accepting of gwen's identity than the one she's leaving. it has an ironclad idea of the type of person she's allowed to be-- a straight girl who's subservient to her boyfriend's narrative. she will never be able to step out of that straight girl's shadow.

this city's also filled with 'friends' she doesn't trust enough to be herself around, who keep comparing her to the idealized straight version of herself, pressuring her to be more like that girl, and coming onto her… or who don't do anything to stop their friends when they engage in that behavior.

gwen is definitely not moving here because she wants a clean slate somewhere she'll be more accepted. 616 is not that place.

and now that spiderverse spider-gwen is the definitive spider-gwen and atsv synergy is underway, she's going to be expected to behave like that gwen too-- a teenage girl who might not be cis, but is still definitely all about her boyfriend miles-- as she's thrust into proximity with miles, the boy she knows fate wants to force her to end up with and as she's referred to as a "teenager" in her character descriptions even though she should be in her early 20s.

and since gwen has an established pattern of getting into relationships she'd otherwise refuse with people who tend to be more powerful than her when she wants to fit in... well. there's no guarantee that anything will happen, but gwiles is on the table again.

(... and since gwen may have responded to the multiverse throwing her at a very specific man and insisting that they kiss by getting with his clone who he has a complicated and often negative relationship with, which killed the vibe between her and that man... she might act out similarly to try and rebel against gwiles.)

if gwen and miles get together, it's not because she loves him. it's because she's giving up on being independent and comphetting again. miles morales is not ~the guy who's going to set gwen free from her harmful canon.~ he's the guy who's going to drag her back into it and keep her there forever. since gwen's story is about discovering herself as a queer woman and affirming her right to exist and thrive in her own space away from heteropatriarchy, and miles is currently the biggest obstacle to that, that by definition makes him the villain of her story. the only way that'll ever stop is if this ship sinks for good.

until that day, back in the closet she goes.

two steps forward, one giant leap back.

sorry to end this on a gut punch!

#spider gwen thoughts #spider gwen meta #spider gwen #gwen stacy #spiderverse #marvel rising #petergwen #ghostpunk #scarletghost #glorygwen #gwenjay #msm 17 #ghostgoblin #glojay #ghostfox

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randomkidstarfic · 1 year ago

Note

🌧️Share something angsty from your WIP.

I'm not sure if this is means share an excerpt, or just talk about a scene or an element, but this whole fic I'm answering these questions with is straight angst and hurt/comfort. So everything about it is a little angsty, lol.

I guess I'll post an excerpt. (What turns out to be a long excerpt)

--The room seemed quieter with Blackstar’s absence. Kid remained seated in the bed. Every time he thought about removing himself, his limbs objected, claiming they were not capable of movement. He stared at the open door and wished it were closed. In his head he repeated it - close the door, close the door, close the door - but didn’t get up.

Kid didn’t know how long he was sitting there before his body gave him permission to move. He shifted from the bed and shuffled to the desk. He grabbed his pen and opened the folder, and started reading the first report. He read absently, and often got lost and had to start reading again. It took him far too long to make it through one report, and it ended up just being the same drivel as always. A meister and weapon succeeded in collecting a kishin egg.

A weapon and meister had succeeded in collecting a kishin egg.

A weapon and meister had succeeded in collecting a kishin egg. A weapon and meister had succeeded in collecting a kishin egg.

But before getting to the foregone conclusion, he was forced to read everything that occurred beforehand. Where the mission had taken place, how large of a threat it had been, the supposed body count of said Kishin egg, and the meister and weapon’s personal account of the fight. He was then forced to read the professors’ evaluation of the students’ performance, and whether or not said students needed remedial lessons, could be put into an advanced course, or were good to stay on the path they were on.

Kid hung his head in his palm and read the third report in over an hour. It was all the same. There was a seering anger pooling in his chest at the prospect that anyone found this monotony necessary. He reached a point halfway through the document when one more sentence would make him go ballistic. He dropped the paper back to the desk, skipped all the way to the last page and signed off on it, no comments or suggestions.

He did the same with the next dozen reports, and eventually his signature became more of a scribble than anything even resembling his name. This horrendous state of writing made the seering anger burst into rage. His hands were smudged with black ink, the reports were skewed all over the desk. Kid’s muscles clenched. He signed a report with so much force it tore the paper. He grabbed a handful of the reports and tore them in half, threw everything off the desk and banged his fists against the wood.

He laid his face flat on the desk, then started hitting his head against it. He hit his head over and over and over again, even when his forehead actually started to hurt, he kept going. He suddenly wondered if he could knock himself out, how much force that would take, and how, if he was a human, such force could potentially kill him after so many strikes beforehand.

But killing him wasn’t so easy. He didn’t even know how to kill himself. Not that he wanted to die, but maybe disappear for a while. The mere thought of not existing was a relief. How easy it would be to skip such a long portion of his life.

Blackstar probably wouldn’t miss him.

Kid suddenly lifted his head. Of course Blackstar would miss him, he was his husband, they’d been together for seven years, married for one. If Blackstar hadn’t left him through all of the trials and breakdowns, tiffs and times, he was unlikely to leave now.

Or perhaps all of those times had simply been a challenge to him. Blackstar wasn’t about to lose or give up so he endured being with such a terrible partner. --

Hope you all enjoyed that, thanks for the ask!

#ask #ask game #angst #good things follow this angsty excerpt #because Blackstar is a patient and loving partner in this fic

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fiftytwotwentytwo · 2 years ago

Text

All About Me:

My Remarkable Life In Show Business

Author: Mel Brooks

Autobiography

Page Count: 456

How did I come across this book?:

Library Book #4

I love callbacks, palidromes, and full circle moments. I was looking for the "perfect" book and thought this book would be very fitting - I started the year off by reading Seth Rogen's Yearbook, an autobiography that follows the life of a hilarious comedic jew who is in show business - and - what better way to end cap the year by reading another autobiography by a hilarious jewish show biz comic, but sadly my local Library did not have any Billy Crystal so I had to settle for Brooks!

Kidding - I highly doubt Mel Brooks would see this review, but hopefully he'd enjoy the light ribbing.

I did purposely seek out Mel Brooks' autobiography especially after I saw it was trending on Good Reads.

Review:

Reading through this book was like spending an afternoon with your Grandpa.

The beginning of the book started off strong as Mel talked about his childhood, family, military service, and his beginnings in comedy and television, but grew stagnant once he talked about his films.

Don't get me wrong, the Mel Brooks films which I have seen (The Producers, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, History of the World Part 1, and Robinhood Men in Tights) are all great and laugh out loud funny, but reading about them (and many more films) was abysmal.

It's an odd thing to say that this book made me want to immediately put down the book to watch the films because Mel was doing them such a disservice by reciting the best lines and verses from his projects and spoiling major plots to his works.

I can't speak for Mel Brooks' life - but the way he presented his life was so dull, boring, repetitive, and safe. Every other line was "They fell down with laughter", "That got a big laugh", "It was the most hilarious moment"... There was no real hardships dicsussed - no faults shown - no life lessons.

I'm not going to bust Brooks' balls because he didn't delve into his family life or personal hardships (somethings are meant to be private) - but could he at least share any juicy behind the scene moments from any of his greatest films? Everything he shared seemed like passages lifted from IMDB or Wikipedia. We were supposed to be getting info straight from the horse's mouth but it felt like it was coming from the tail end.

I will give it up to Mel Brooks - he is a comedic genius when it comes to film and stage but he shortchange his literary audience.

Personal Rating: 3.5/10

Yearly Book Total: 52

* Achievement Unlocked *

Playing with a Full Deck:

52 Books in 52 Weeks

(with two days to spare)

Total Page Count: 19,989 pages

#52 in 22 #books #book club #reading #book review #good reads #autobiography #Mel Brooks #blazing saddles #Spaceballs #young frankenstein

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personinthepalace · 2 years ago

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The 80s got adaptations right

I am specifically thinking about Granada Holmes and Sullivan Anne of Green Gables but I’m sure there’s other examples

#midnight musings #I read an interview recently for the mysterious benedict society #(my favorite book series got recently got turned into a tv series)#and one of the writers said that they book fans don’t want a page by page recreation on screen #and I whole heartedly disagree #I want adaptations of my favorite books so I can SEE my favorite scenes come to life #and let others fall in love with them as well #which is why I’m saying that the 80s got adaptations right #the people working on granada holmes and anne of green gables knew that (of at least fought for it)#and I’m forever grateful #yes some things were changed or tweaked #but there are so many scenes lifted straight from the pages #and I absolutely love it #anyway enough of my rambling haha #granada holmes #anne of green gables 1985 #anne of green gables #sherlock holmes #sullivan anne of green gables #acd holmes #80s movies #80s tv shows #tv adaptation #book adaptation #rambles in the palace

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cheri-translates · 3 years ago

Text

[CN] Gavin’s Assistance Date

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for a date, 助力之约, which has not been released in EN! 🍒

[ Release Date: 8 December 2021 ]

MC: Sir, I’m here!

On this sunny Sunday afternoon, I brisk walk to the taxi, recalling what Gavin said on the phone earlier.

Gavin (on the phone): Cough. MC, are you free? There’s something I need your help with.

Gavin sounded a little embarrassed, but he didn’t elaborate over the phone. He simply gave me the address to a fast food restaurant and asked me to meet him there.

Since it’s rare for Gavin to ask for help, I couldn’t help being a little curious.

Does he want me to take care of his plants? Or prepare dinner?

While thinking about this, I push the door open. The moment I step into the fast food restaurant, I spot that familiar figure.

A few students dressed in high school uniforms are doing their homework at the tables around him.

Gavin is sitting at a spot next to the window, supporting the side of his face with a hand, his thumb tapping a pen repeatedly, his brows scrunched as he flips through pages of a book.

His entire frame is encased in gentle sunlight. For a moment, he doesn’t seem any different from the high schoolers around him.

Although I’m slightly puzzled as to why he’s reading here, the corners of my lips involuntarily arch upwards when I see this inexplicably harmonious scene before me.

Softening my footsteps, I step towards him quietly before sitting directly opposite him.

MC: Hello schoolmate. Could I sit here?

Gavin lifts his head from the book. When he sees me, the rejection in his eyes melts into a smile.

Gavin: Of course you can.

With a slight upward curl of his lips, he pushes the hamburger and beverage on the table towards me.

Gavin: Hungry? I ordered some food for you.

Seeing the full tray of food in front of me, I’m taken aback momentarily. Then, I sweep a glance at the documents scattered next to it, and notice that they are all outlines.

MC: ...are you working? Why’d you come here?

Gavin: I felt unproductive at home, so I wanted to try changing my environment.

While saying this, Gavin “eagerly” sticks a straw into the beverage cup.

My line of sight returns to Gavin’s face, and I notice his faint eye bags and unconcealable fatigue.

Commander Gavin seems to have run into a troublesome issue.

While mumbling this in my heart, I decide to dive straight to the point.

MC: When you called me earlier and said you needed my help, what was it for?

Gavin: ...this.

Gavin’s thin eyelashes quiver. He holds his breath, as though engaged in a fierce mental battle.

After a moment, he appears to have made a decision. He returns his gaze to me, his tone solemn, and his gaze resolute.

Gavin: MC.

MC: ...present!

Gavin: I’d like you to polish a “work report” for me.

I blink, staring blankly at Gavin. He lowers his gaze, looking at the sheets of paper next to his hands.

Gavin: This is the first time I’m preparing a work report as the Commander of STF. There are many requirements for this report. Aside from being comprehensive and thorough, there are also strict guidelines for the formatting...

Initially, Gavin explains this calmly. However, the more he goes on, his brows become increasingly furrowed, and his tone faintly reveals tinges of fret and gloominess.

Gavin: I’m not good at such things. Much less that bunch at the STF. Which is why I thought to ask for your help.

With this, he looks at me directly, his gaze somewhat pleading.

This is the first time I’m seeing such a Gavin.

A massive sense of responsibility springs up from within me. I straighten up and nod in a determined manner.

MC: Understood. Is this your work report? Let me take a look.

Just as I'm about to pick up the papers, a hand covers it.

Gavin: Cough. I’m not done yet.

Gavin appears slightly embarrassed. Finding this utterly adorable, I can’t help but tease him.

MC: Since I’m polishing it for you, I need to understand what it’s about.

I say this seriously. After hesitating for a moment, Gavin seems to agree with my logic, and quietly shifts his hand away.

Gavin: ...I’m really not done yet.

MC: Got it!

Gavin: This is only a rough draft.

MC: I’ve got it!

Laughing in my heart while maintaining a professional appearance, I scan Gavin’s report sternly.

The outline is very simple. There are only two components - “Work Results” and “Future Outlook”.

From my peripheral vision, I notice Gavin’s gaze lingering on me, and find it a little distracting. He stares at me with full concentration, as though wanting to read something from my expression.

However, I rein in my attention slowly, focusing on the contents of the report.

The surroundings quieten down, and I can almost hear the whooshing of the breeze from the air-conditioner overhead.

After an unknown duration, I shut the report and look at Gavin.

He’s currently supporting his head with a hand, immersed in the warm sunlight from outside the window, his head bobbing like a chick pecking at rice.

Seeing his drowsy states makes me feel both heartache and a little tickled.

MC: Cough cough.

Gavin: ...!

The tranquility of the air is shattered, and Gavin’s head plops onto his arm. He returns to his senses abruptly, and turns his head towards me.

His eyes widen a little, the tiredness on his face replaced with slight embarrassment.

Gavin: ...are you done? How is it?

After a moment of silence, I lift my eyes and look at him.

MC: Gavin.

Gavin: Present!

He responds with a tinge of nervousness. In an instant, the haziness in his eyes turns clear.

I flip to the first page -

MC: “One: Work Results.”

MC: “March - Participated in Operation “Blade”, and arrested 32 perpetrators.”

MC: “June - Launched elementary school drills and training activities to heighten knowledge of safety among school students and teachers.”

MC: “July - Reviewed and gave guidance regarding teaching results in the police school…”

Reading the heap of items listed below, I purse my lips, then flip to the final page. The contents are even more scant, and only consist of two lines.

MC: “Two: Future Outlook.”

MC: “From today onwards, I’ll be stricter in my demands from myself and the squad, protecting Loveland City and its peace.”

Shutting the report quietly, I look at Gavin. I grip the thin stack of papers in my hand.

MC: Does this work report have word count requirements?

As though hearing the meaning in my words, the tips of Gavin’s ears are dyed a faint red.

Gavin: …I did my best to include everything from this year, but I still couldn’t meet the word count.

MC: How much more do you need?

He pauses, averting his gaze to the side.

Gavin: T-ten pages.

Releasing a soft sigh, I put down the report.

MC: I probably know the issue with your report.

Hearing this, Gavin’s eyes instantly brighten. He straightens up, listening attentively and sincerely.

MC: You wrote too briefly! There are so many meaningful things that you didn't write down.

Rolling up my sleeves, I pick up a pen and begin annotating on his report.

MC: The structure of this report could use more elaboration. List down a few more headings. For example, you could elaborate more under “Work Results” - preparations made before missions, difficulties faced in the process, and lessons learnt from the experience...

My unceasing torrent of words leaves Gavin a little stunned. He scratches his head, as though he’s in a predicament.

Since we’re in a somewhat noisy environment and surrounded by high schoolers, Gavin and I appear rather out of place. Occasionally, passers-by glance at us.

Even so, neither of us pay them any mind. It’s as if everything in the surroundings are hidden from view, and we’re the only two left.

Time slips past silently. When sunset gradually descends through the layers of clouds, and the street lamps along the road begin to light up, I finally put the pen down.

MC: That’s more or less it.

Gavin: ...that much?

Gavin sees the five components and ten headers that I’ve listed out. He seems to be in a tight spot, and I can’t help but chuckle.

MC: Don’t worry, I’ll keep you company in perfecting it. We can definitely make the final report convey Commander Gavin’s seriousness, sense of responsibility, courage, and tenacity.

I wave my fist, smiling with full confidence.

Gavin stares at me for a while, and his gaze suddenly softens.

Gavin: Okay. I’ll have to trouble Great Producer MC then.

By the time I follow Gavin to his place, the sky has turned completely dark. Feeling a little tired, I rest on the sofa.

MC: Gavin, when will you be presenting the report?

After an afternoon of hard work, we manage to comb through the entire structure and framework, expanding the content of that “rough draft”.

But there’s still a very long way to go before it can become the final draft.

Gavin sits down next to me. He reaches out, wrapping an arm around me naturally, and leaning my head against his shoulder.

Gavin: Tomorrow.

MC: Oh... wait, tomorrow?!

I straighten up in an instant, looking at him in shock.

MC: Doesn’t that mean we don’t have much time left?!

Gavin chuckles at the sight of my widened eyes. He doesn’t seem affected by this.

Gavin: Yup. But I’m no longer worried.

He lowers his gaze, looking at the report in his hand. The corners of his lips hook into handsome arcs.

Gavin: When I first wrote this report, I found it really troublesome - ten thousand times more troublesome than going on a mission. But now, I suddenly realise that it isn’t as uninteresting as I thought.

He looks at me with clear eyes, gentle and certain.

Gavin: With your help, I believe that it’d turn out well.

Recovering from my shock, I suppress the upward curl of my lips. Grabbing Gavin’s hand, I ask him a question.

MC: Aren’t you worried that you’re being overly optimistic?

Gavin smiles while shaking his head.

Gavin: With you around, I have that confidence.

Seeing the trust in his eyes, my spirit is set alight.

Taking the work report from his hand, I browse through it carefully, combing through the contents in my mind once again.

MC: This Operation “Blade”... did you face many difficulties while carrying it out?

I tap on the paper with my fingertip. This operation took three months, and it’s clearly longer than the other missions he had carried out.

Gavin frowns slightly, as though he’s recalling the situation from back then.

Gavin: It went pretty smoothly. It was mainly the preparation time that took a little longer. In order to capture the whole lot, I led the squad in lying low for close to three months.

Gavin says this calmly, but great waves are blown up in the depths of my heart.

I’m aware that the actual situation definitely wasn’t as relaxed and easy as he narrated.

There are so many questions that I want to ask him. I want to know what he experienced during those three months. However, I know that he’s unable to give me the details since they are confidential information.

After a while, I speak up.

MC: Did you get proper meals during those three months?

Gavin freezes slightly. After a moment, his voice carries a smile as it travels to my ears.

Gavin: It’s been too long. I can’t remember now.

Can't remember? He just doesn’t want to lie to me, nor make me worry.

I don’t retort, but simply look at the person before me.

A blend of the tender moonlight and ceiling light descend on him - gentle and vivid. A wave of acridity rises from the depths of my heart, and I can’t help but hug him.

MC: Gavin, things have been difficult for you.

Gavin’s gentle chuckle drifts to my ears, and he returns the hug tightly.

Gavin: It’s no longer difficult like this.

He rests his chin on my shoulder, giving it an affectionate nuzzle.

Gavin: What should I do? I’m feeling a little drowsy.

Gavin: Why don’t I just improvise tomorrow? We could tidy up and go to sleep.

Taken aback for a moment, I lift my head from his embrace. The person in front of me has no traces of tiredness, but only a bright smile in his eyes.

Realising that he’s teasing me, I burst into laughter.

MC: Pfft... don’t tempt me!

Shaking my head, I harness my willpower and point at the report at the side.

MC: Has Commander Gavin forgotten? We still have 4 pages left!

“Beep beep...”

Early the next morning, I open my eyes slowly amid the nagging of the alarm clock.

Sunlight frolics on the sofa, falling on the blanket covering me. My gaze sweeps across the files scattered over the floor...

I have no idea how long Gavin and I spent amending the report. In my trance, I can’t tell if this is a dream or reality.

All of a sudden, a figure appears before my eyes. I see a firm waist and barely discernible, compact abdominal muscles.

As my line of sight shifts upwards, Gavin’s handsome face suddenly enters my vision. Confused, I pinch my face.

Seeing this, Gavin squats down, levelling his eyes with mine.

Gavin: Breakfast is on the table. Remember to heat it up later. You can sleep for a while longer.

His breaths are incredibly close by. The pain on my face wakes me up completely.

MC: ...! N-no need...

I sit up in an instant. Just as I’m about to say something, I spot a few disobedient strands of hair on Gavin’s head.

I can’t help but chuckle.

MC: Gavin, I’ll do hairstyling for you in a while~

Gavin: ...hairstyling?

MC: That’s right!

I freshen up quickly. Returning to the living room, I see that Gavin has already reluctantly put on his suit. With an uncomfortable expression on his face, he’s currently engaged in a battle with his tie.

Gavin: ...I’m not used to tying a tie.

MC: I’ll do it!

I laugh while walking up to him. Standing on my tiptoes, I grab Gavin’s tie as he watches me.

Gavin’s eyes widen slightly, and I notice his Adam’s Apple bobbing up and down. He turns his head away, his warm breaths brushing my cheek gently.

Pursing my lower lip, I find my heartbeat accelerating involuntarily. After this short yet incredibly long time, I successfully tie a pretty tie on him.

Then, I pull Gavin over to the bathroom. With my tools in place, I do hairstyling for him.

MC: Afterwards, look through the report a few more times. Some changes were made at the last minute, so you need to be more familiar with them. Oh yes, did you manage to straighten out the last part? We amended it till very late last night. I don’t have much of an impression about it...

I chatter on and on while holding Gavin’s fluffy hair gently.

A smile is in Gavin’s eyes as he look at me through the mirror. Then, he clears his throat.

Gavin: “Ever since I graduated from the Police Academy and worked in the STF till this day, I have always remembered the vow from back then...”

Gavin: “With all my life and passion, I will do my best to protect the safety of the people.”

Gavin: “I will be fearless and selfless, never betraying the values I hold.”

Gavin: “Looking back on the work results from the past year in STF, I can confidently tell everyone, with no qualms...”

Gavin: “That every bullet has indeed only been fired for justice.”

His calm and determined voice flows within the room. Finishing the last words smoothly, Gavin looks at my shock-filled expression, and smiles.

Gavin: Senior Officer MC, are you at ease now? Today’s work report will definitely go smoothly.

He takes my hand in his. With a confident curl of his lips, he tilts his head backwards, ending his sentence with an upward lilt.

Gavin: Because I’m not only the Commander of STF. I’m also MC’s Commander Gavin. I won’t let you down.

Time always passes by exceptionally slowly when one is waiting.

After Gavin left, I tried doing other things to divert my attention. However, no matter what I did, the word “Gavin” was the only thing in my mind.

Has the work report ended? Did it go smoothly? I wonder how the leaders in the audience reacted...

Just as I’m staring at the sunset outside the window in a daze, I hear knocks at the door.

MC: ...coming, coming!

Putting down the broom in my hands, I rush over to the door. Opening it, I see Gavin standing outside with a smile.

He’s wearing a fitting suit, his eyes sparkling with radiance.

Gavin: I’m back.

All of my questions are dispelled at this moment. Without needing to ask, I’ve already obtained the answers from his expression.

His work report definitely went as smoothly as I anticipated.

As such, I give him a broad smile. Lifting my hand, I salute him.

MC: Welcome back, Officer Gavin!

Gavin enters the house. As he prepares to remove his blazer, I linger around him curiously, asking him about various things.

MC: After your speech, did the leaders think that you wrote and spoke exceptionally well?

I squint my eyes in satisfaction, wanting to hear him elaborate.

Gavin: They...

Gavin drawls. He chuckles softly, seeming to remember something.

[ FLASHBACK BEGINS ]

At the venue, Gavin has finished his work report and is about to leave. However, a voice stops him.

??: Young lad!

A man with a composed expression walks over briskly, patting him on the shoulder.

??: I heard your work report. Good job! The fact that you could write something like this is worthy of commendation!

Gavin: It’s been a long time. I’m not interested in your commendation, Chief Liu.

The man chuckles uninhibitedly. Then, he looks at Gavin with pride.

Chief Liu: Ahh, that child I taught back then has grown so cold. He’s forgotten how he used to call me “Bro”. It feels awful.

Gavin: ...

The slight disdain on Gavin’s face turns into a somewhat nostalgic and respectful smile.

Gavin: Instructor Liu, Bro Liu, Tibetan Chihuahua... which one do you prefer?

Chief Liu: Wipe that nickname out of your memory!

The man looks as though he’s gritting his teeth, but his tone isn’t angry at all.

Chief Liu: I’ve watched you since your days in the Police Academy till now... Gavin, you’ve changed so much.

Gavin doesn’t say anything, and simply smiles.

Chief Liu: Is it because of that person you thanked at the very end? When will you show her to me?

Hearing this, a tinge of gentleness flashes across Gavin’s eyes. He lifts his hand, removing the hand from his shoulder coolly.

Gavin: I won’t.

Chief Liu: ...you brat!

[ FLASHBACK ENDS ]

MC: What did they say?

Seeing that Gavin is immersed in his memories, I swing his arm in anticipation.

Gavin: [chuckles] Nothing much.

Gavin retracts his train of thought, the smile on his face growing deeper.

Gavin: They think you wrote exceptionally well.

MC: Really?

I grab the photocopied version of his report that he had brought home, ready to flaunt it. However, I notice a few lines written in the empty space at the top of the report.

I instantly recognise it as Gavin’s handwriting.

MC: “Lastly, I’d like to thank someone...”

Before I can read it aloud, the report is taken away by Gavin. He seems a little flustered.

Gavin: Ah, I wrote that casually.

I narrow my eyes at Gavin. Clearly, he has no plans of letting me see those lines.

The more he tries to conceal it, the more questions I have.

MC: Okay then, forget it!

When Gavin releases a sigh of relief, I suddenly leap up, lunging straight towards him -

Gavin: !

His eyes widen in shock. In the next moment, I feel a sense of weightlessness.

MC: Ahh...!

I exclaim involuntarily. After the world turns upside down, I find myself pressing against Gavin’s body.

My frantic expression is visible in those amber eyes.

Gavin reacts quickly, supporting my arms so that I wouldn’t fall to the side.

Gavin: ...

For a moment, only the sound of our messy breaths can be heard in the room. A scorching temperature travels from his palm.

I lower my head to look at Gavin. The hanging light flickers with a tender radiance, falling clearly into his eyes.

Realising the situation we’re in, he pauses slightly. Then, he laughs.

Gavin: It seems like I’m always letting my guard down around you.

Lights and shadows flow in Gavin’s beautiful eyes. My heart stirs. I suddenly lean down, giving him a gentle peck on the cheek.

MC: Okay, I won’t snatch it from you. But... could you at least tell me what you added to the report?

Leaning on his chest, I look at him eagerly.

The word that I saw within those lines earlier flashes past my mind - “MC”. I find my heart rate accelerating.

Although I have a vague idea on what the lines contain, I still wish to hear them from Gavin personally.

Gavin blinks lightly, as though reading my thoughts. After a short pause, his lips move gently.

Gavin: “Lastly, I’d like to thank someone.”

Gavin: “She was the one who polished this report for me. Regardless of when it is, she’s also the one who gives me the warmest support and companionship.”

Gavin: “Due to work, I’m often unable to keep her company. But she has always given me the motivation to constantly progress.”

He pauses for a moment, then continues.

Gavin: While I’m protecting Loveland City wholeheartedly, she constantly protects me as well.

He speaks softly, but his words land on my heart heavily, rippling with echoes.

After a moment of silence, I reach out to trace the outline of Gavin’s face gently with my fingertips.

MC: Actually, I’m really happy that I could help you this time. You’ve always given me the impression that you can do everything. Whether it’s fixing cars or jet skiing, you don’t give me much room to showcase my skills...

Pretending to be upset, I puff up my cheeks. Then, I look into Gavin’s eyes, my tone serious.

MC: In the future, I’ll protect Commander Gavin too.

Gavin is taken aback for a moment. Then, the gentlest smile surfaces on his face.

Gavin: Okay. It’s a promise.

Lifting his hand, he caresses my cheek gently, his fingertips entwining strands of my hair.

Gavin: You’re very important to me. I’m not good at everything. I’m not good at taking care of plants, my culinary skills have room for improvement, I can’t remember the expiry dates of food, and I need MC’s guidance when writing reports.

His voice softens. His hand shifts from my hair to the nape of my neck. Then, he exerts slight pressure -

Gavin leans forward, sealing my lips with an overbearing yet gentle kiss.

Gavin: ...there are many other things that I can’t complete by myself.

With his closely woven kisses... the entire world is filled with the scent of Gavin.

Gavin: I need your help in everything. Only you can do it.

His smile is enough to bewitch me, leaving my heart in disarray.

I stare at him. A moment later, I lean down...

In this lifetime, I probably won’t be able to refuse this person.

📝 First Call ll Second Call + Moments

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chiwhorei · 4 years ago

Text

the folly of man

pairing: e. todoroki x fem!reader

genre: smut, 18+ minors dni

word count: ~2.6k

tags: the softest!enji there ever was, crybabie!reader, age gap (20ish vs. 50), d/s dynamics, belly bulge, squirting, overstim, daddy kink, size kink, dacryphilia, a spank, breeding kink, creampie, i am dramatic and clinically melancholy so it’s a little angsty but it’s really just unabashed, self-indulgent fluff

a/n: i screamed about soft!enji to @messwriting a few weeks ago, then the other night enji took me to paris and wrecked my shit in my dreams. the result? complete self-indulgence. i will not be taking criticism on my desire to fuck this man, he is a drawing. (the banner image is from the lonely doll by dare wright, if you know this book we probably have very similar issues sksksksksk)

hymn: angel by finneas

“Abashed the devil stood and felt how awful goodness is and saw Virtue in her shape how lovely: and pined his loss,” ~ John Milton, Paradise Lost

He swears it’s your quirk that got him. Grabbed him by the collar, stole his soul from his chest— you swiped it right from his rib cage.

You sit across from him, legs folded under each other and pen pressing against your lips. Is it your lips? Or the way words curl past them?

A siren’s call in the form of a 20-something journalist. He hates the likes— prodding for sound bites and snippets to plaster across front pages. But your figure buckles in on itself, nerves weighing down the fabric of a light pink blouse and tight-yet-tasteful pencil skirt. Your presence is gentle and honeyed, it feels warm where Enji is usually burning hot.

Your fever spreads across his cheeks and nose.

“I’m sorry, sir, did you need me to repeat the question?”

Your bottom lip trembles nervously, pulled in between your teeth to gnaw on. Freshly graduated and on your very first assignment, it seemed hilarious to send the newly minted recruit into a white-hot tongue lashing.

“Mr. Number One has chewed the head off of every reporter in Japan, it’s a right of passage.”

The echo of your colleague’s stifled laugh rings in your ear as you stare back, you scan over the small wrinkles by his eyes and the jagged scar across his face. The silvered skin curves around his features like atonement. There’s something about the prolific hero that seems to pull you towards him. You grab the side of your chair so as to not fall forward right into his orbit.

Any attempt at distance was doomed from the beginning.

He shakes his head, eyes darting from either of yours to find the question you asked him. He coughs awkwardly, nodding his head for you to continue. Any desire to snap at you dissolves into the carpet with the very first laugh. You let out a small, tinkling giggle against better judgement that cracks the glassed tension.

“What is your biggest inspiration?”

The question hangs in the air a moment before a rehearsed answer falls from his mouth, something about the citizens of his community and the desire to keep his country safe. Whatever tumbles out is less interesting than how you smile in response.

Every person in the room-- agents, publicists, the poor intern holding a black coffee in his trembling hands-- watch on, collectively agape, at the scene before them.

Flame Hero: Endeavor breaks composure for a moment to send you a docile, lopsided smile.

You decide it’s something you won’t soon get tired of seeing.

“Did you get everything you wanted,” his voice trails off with a hint of uncertainty, one hand coming up to scratch at the back of his head, “I could answer a few more questions over dinner.”

Enji stands in shock at his own behavior, the inferno flickers little more than a candle in your eyeline. Every minute holds sixty seconds of opportunity, and Enji’s hair is graying at the ends. Even if you brush the dusty old hero from your shoulders with guffaw, even if you roll your eyes or kiss his insole with a pointed heel. He can’t afford to waste a moment more.

It has to be your quirk, he decides, reciting like a prayer the only logical answer to his sweating palms and clambering heart. Nothing makes sense but keeping you within arms reach. It must be some kind of hypnosis, maybe a pheromone.

Enji’s penance lies in the soft, supplied skin of a quirkless civilian.

***

There are few places that have felt like home, no matter what four walls build a house around him. He alone is responsible for each one decaying. He deserves a spot in every plane of hell.

Enji leans against the headboard, scanning over pages of John Milton and enjoying the quiet just after dusk. Looking over the top of his glasses, the book in hand falls out of frame, like most everything does.

Pink lace hangs like bated breath from your shoulders and hips. You look on to him for approval, the set your eyes had lingered on in a boutique window now brandishes the swell of your breasts.

“My perfect girl.” His words are filled with wonder, pulling at the ends of his mouth when you twirl, the ends of flowing lace pick up around you like wings.

Winter air creeps from the open balcony to hit your skin, spreading chills down every inch. Enji watches as you shiver, the cool breeze prickles past pick lace with little effort.

“Come here.” Enji tosses his glasses and book to the bedside table and pats his lap.

Nothing feels more like home than when you settle to lie atop his naked chest, cheek pressed firmly against his pulse.

You rest your chin against his sternum, hands crawling up to find warmth from his skin. He feels the thin, golden ring as your touch trails around his neck.

His own hands, calloused and battered, eclipse over your lower back to find purchase against your ass.

Away from the prying eyes of domestic paparazzi and forty minutes outside of Paris— Enji cuts out what feels like a stolen heaven.

Idle chat about the museum he took you to today fills the room comfortably. Your fingertip comes down to trace the lines of marred skin across the bridge of his nose, he hums and smiles as you talk about paintings.

None stood out to him.

He takes your hand in his much bigger one, kissing the band that mimics his own. You tangle your fingers together.

“This feels like a dream,” your voice is barely above a whisper, lest the night air hears the talk of lovers.

“I’m not totally convinced you aren’t a dream.” Enji pulls you to sit back against his legs, in this position you can meet his eyes without straining upward. Strong hands come down to rest at your hips, thumbs rubbing lightly against the lingerie’s fabric.

You scoff, batting at his chest, you laugh his comments off in moments like this. But Enji is convinced one day you will lift straight from the world with nothing left but your shoes keeping the earth weighted down.

Soft lips ghost over his, an invitation he’ll never refuse. Your mouth is against him, small hands coming to either side of Enji’s face. His graying stubble is coarse under your fingers. You inhale deeply, he smells like campfire and expensive cologne. Your tongue slips between his lips. His mouth tastes like the remnants of the bottle of red wine you shared after dinner

The hands around your middle pull your impossibly closer, pressing into your lower back to grind your hips down against the bulge in his sweatpants. Your body moves against him, panties rubbing against your already throbbing clit.

“Daddy.” The title wraps in chords around his vertebrae, the sounds of whimpering hits his ear, and he notices the wet patch rubbing right against his knee.

“What do you want, princess? Tell daddy what you want.” The maneuvering of your hips starts slow, but Enji has you almost bouncing on his leg before you can answer him. Both of your hands wrap around his left wrist, tugging it in between your legs.

“I want you to touch me, please. I- I need it.” You bite the inside of your cheek when the pads of his fingers graze the damp, thin material of your panties, his burning touch sets every blood cell aflame.

“You’re so wet, princess, what’s got you all worked up?” There’s a gleam of humor in his voice, seeing you desperate for him has Enji stiffening beneath you.

“My precious little thing, I’ll take good care of you.” His words write you a promise, it extends far past a night of love in Paris.

You can feel his assurance carved into your heart.

Enji’s hand dips into the front of your underwear, ghosting over your clit and running against your swollen lips. He marvels at your response, the smallest ministrations have your head rolling to the side.

His pointer and middle finger prod against you, inching inside carefully. Even with the utmost care, you wince at the stretch. No matter how many times he’s fucked you open in this whirlwind year,

“You’re tighter than a fucking vise, Christ.”

A long moan escapes you, knees moving to dig into the mattress below you for leverage to buck against his hand. Enji curls his fingers upwards, calloused tips finding the spongy patch of skin that has you squirming. His fingers cross over each other, pumping into you and easing you to relax against the intrusion.

“Daddy, I want your cock. I’m ready, please.” The heat in your core is rising, licking against your nerves like wildfire. Enji tutts in response to your begging, his thumb coming down to rub taught circles into your clit.

“I know, princess, but you remember the rules. Cum on my fingers, and I’ll give you what you want.” Enji picks up the pace of his fingers, his own patience thinning at the edges with each call for your daddy.

“Close, ‘m close,” your voice wobbles, aching legs pushing you against him, chasing desperately for that first release.

Enji feels you clenching tight in finality, a squeal breaching the steamy space around you. You crack in his tight hold, the taste of bliss coats your tongue-- it tastes like tears.

You slump forward against his chest, coming to float back down to earth before he sends you hurdling back towards the sun.

“You’re so beautiful, princess, absolutely perfect.” Enji’s voice is heavy, lined with a certain bitterness you are familiar with. His compliments always sound like apologies.

You lift your head, forehead pressing against his, the stray hair around your face tickling his skin.

There aren’t words that could heal decades. No amount of atonement, no prayers to any gods will fix a life of despair. He shoulders the blame of it all, heavy against bones and muscle.

Moving to kiss him tenderly, lips pulling him back into the world's sweetest direction. You shouldn’t let him use you as his redemption. If Enji were another man, a better man, he would have walked away from you that fateful afternoon under fluorescent light with just the fleeting feeling you dipped his heart in.

He’s not any kind of good in this world, Enji is a foolish bastard.

He’ll keep kissing you, he’ll touch and lick and fuck you until your wings pick up in the wind and fly you away.

“I want to ride your cock, Daddy. Let me make you feel good too.” You beg for him once again, you beg to be a distraction, the sweetest kind of diversion-- hidden snugly in the quiet of a French villa.

Enji is meticulous with stripping you of the dainty lace, brushing off the straps of your bra so the cups fall right under your pert nipples. He moves his hands slowly, snaking up your sides to swipe his thumbs against the pebbled buds. You don’t try to stop the wines falling like prayer, your body still on edge from your first orgasm.

He pulls off your soaked panties, eyes tracing the strings of slick collecting and breaking off from your glistening cunt.

“Such a precious little pussy, and it’s all mine.” Enji frees his cock from his sweats and boxers, the length springing to slap against his abdomen. He pumps his hand a few times before pressing it against your stomach. It’s no surprise that his size is impressive, long and thick in an ever-intimidating way.

Enji admires how his cock presses against you, tip nudging against your belly button. In comparison to your smaller form, it’s a wonder he hasn’t ripped you in half.

You’d let him.

“No more teasing, Daddy. I need it, please.” Desperation sparks against your nerves, igniting with the sharp sound of Enji’s hand against your ass.

“Don’t get mouthy now, princess.” His warning is light, he’s never been good at denying you.

He pulls your hips up, lining himself up so you can sink down onto him. If his fingers make you whimper, the first breach of his shaft makes you wail.

Your hands find his shoulders, digging in to steady yourself with every deliciously unforgiving inch. You’ll never get used to his size, you never want to.

Enji has held composure with white knuckles, but his resolve is rusting with every movement of your descent. His desire to tear into you becomes untamable, his mind swims in with the velveteen grip you suck him in with.

“You’re mine, fuck, you’re mine forever.” He will promise you until he believes it himself.

He’ll believe in forever if forever means you.

The folly of man is nestled at the apex of your thighs, is pleading gasps, is begging for more, is too much and too little.

And Enji is a fool in love.

The gates of heaven open between your quivering legs to let the devil in. He’ll take every moment he can steal.

As your hips settle down finally, the feeling of being so completely full has tears collecting in your lashes to run down your cheeks. It’s depraved, truly, how beautiful your destruction is.

Enji gives you a moment, adjusting to his size and relaxing, his hand comes down to rub against your stomach, tracing against the skin lightly.

“I can feel it,” his breath hitches, the pulsing around him is dizzying, he feels his tip as it moves inside of you, “fuck, I can feel my cock in your tummy.”

Shaky thighs start moving above him, the bounce of fat and flesh atop his hardened body. He can’t help the declarations flying from his mouth, he can’t stop the itching feeling to make you his completely.

“I want to fuck a baby into you, want to fill you so full.” He can feel the way your body reacts to his most perverse desire, “I want you round and swollen with my child.”

Enji grabs your hips, taking control and quickening the pace of his assault on your weeping pussy. You cry out, a string of babbled, “Please, daddy, please fuck me full, s-so full.”

You can feel your second orgasm bubbling up with each stroke of Enji’s cock against your abused pussy. All words are lost, all thoughts fuzzy aside from the man pounding himself into you from below.

“Cum around me, little girl, cum around my cock.” Enji’s words are little more than a growl, head thrown back into the pillows as you constrict around him. His fingers come down against your clit again, rubbing with fervor. He’s adamant on throwing you head-first, body limp and overstimulated in every way.

You feel it in the gnashing of your teeth, the wound chord snapping like floss around Enji. You feel yourself gushing, your cum leaking around him and dripping onto the bed sheets.

Enji cums with one final buck, hips lifting off of the bed as he spills into you. You can feel the thick spurts against your still pulsating walls, filling you to the brim and trickling out even before you separate.

He stays inside of you for a moment, large hands wrapped around your middle, pulling you to crumble into his chest. You collapse against his warm, jagged skin. He lulls you with soft strokes to your hair, behind the flush and sweat on your face, he sees the dizzy, love-drunk expression tugging on your lips.

No matter how many times you disagree, Enji knows it’s true.

The swelling, disorienting feeling of your smile. The visions of a future, of the life he doesn't deserve but wouldn’t give up for any deal the devil could make him. The sight of you, simply and without motive, every day.

It has to be your quirk.

all writing is dymphnasprose’s original content, please do not repost or modify. do no read my content as asmr.©️

#endeavor smut #endeavor x reader #enji todoroki smut #bnha x reader #bnha smut #enji todoroki x reader #enji smut

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bookofmirth · 2 years ago

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hi!! at what point do u think taking inspiration from a book becomes just ripping off and plagiarising ?

i recently reread acotar and tog and the similarities to some other works are so blatant i feel offended 😭😭 (exaggerating)

from TOG the similarities to Garth Nix’s Sabriel series are insane! SJM pretty much just lifted wyrdmarks from that series amd wrote it into TOG. like down to all the important details of how they’re used, drawn on the body and how they call monsters from the dead. the ‘cauldron born/made’ phrases are also just taken from Nix. i know fantasy authors are very much inspired by each other and fantasy as a whole can be authors ripping off each other but it’s so off putting sometimes.

but i think the craziest is ACOTAR. recently i became obsessed with Anne Bishop and after reading her Black Jewels trilogy … it’s safe to say it reminded be A LOT of acotar. even the characters are SO similar to the acotar characters. rhys is a carbon copy of damon. feyre is janaelle. surreal is mor. cassian is lucivar. even cassian and rhysands friendship is so similar to damon and lucivar. also so many friendship dynamics in the inner circle are similar to Bishops. the illyrian race is basically the eyrian race pretty much lifted from the page. down to their wings, traditions, coming of age events amd how they treat women. the MC of black jewels also goes from a realm of light to the shadow realm. so feyre going from spring to night. the way the rest of prythian perceived the night court is the exact same way the shadow realm is perceived. the female villain is so similar to amarantha.

i think book 1 of acotar is a great example of being inspired by a tale (beauty and the beast) and using it as inspiration but book 1 is has too many similarities to anne bishops series

the similarities are so blatant that i couldn’t really immerse myself in acotar because i kept remembering the black jewels trilogy. obviously, fantasy tropes are so similar. every author reuses the same exact ones. i’m sure Anne Bishop tried to do a hades persephone retelling with black jewels so even she was inspired by something but the similarities are so uncanny!!!!

i do like sjms books a lot and i know she’s vocal about loving these authors but sometimes i wish she took concepts and made them a little more original rather than lifting them off the page and into her works. i know sjm is notorious for having a little ‘borrowing’ issue but i didn’t realise it was THIS bad 😭 down to phrases, concepts, races being taken and copied.

anyway from now on when i see people complaining about not being able to find a series that makes them feel the way acotar did i’ll just recommend Anne Bishops one. it’s the source material anyway 💀

OOF this is a tough one.

So technically, characters can be copyrighted, but plots cannot. That's why we can have 1,001 enemies-to-lovers stories, why it's just fine for us to have a one hundred "magic school with a chosen one" stories.

I totally get what you mean, though. Sometimes books seem to cross the line from "this author used the same general moves in the narrative" to "um, you just copied this scene and switched out the names???"

I've never read Anne Bishop, but I did just catch up on Plated Prisoner and boyyyyyy the first two books especially were straight up acomaf/acowar territory. I mean, they watched the stars on some special night, he had his IC I mean Wrath, then we had Mor I mean the other one whose name I already forgot, there to show the MC that she can be a tough, funny woman. It's basically fanfic for people who really wish Tamlin had gotten more thoroughly fucked over in acotar. Which is totally valid, I know that some people do want that, but it got to the point where I was making a list of similarities. It's just... uncomfortable, at a certain point.

This is just me riffing, but I feel like that's the problem with SJM not committing to world building. We get the vibe, the feeling of the trope or the object or the cultural reference, but she doesn't go far enough to make it her own. It's very... well, I think the crossover is indicative of this, tbh? It's all a cool idea, until she moves on to the story she actually wants to tell (which in the case of acotar, will come back to the romances. Then the reader is left wondering what the fuck kind of world building shit they just got left with.) SJM probably has a couple hundred wikipedia pages bookmarked lmaooooo

Maybe when I need that acotar feeling without the acotar fandom drama, I'll read Black Jewels!

#sjm critical #ask #anon #acotar

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nev3rfound · 4 years ago

Text

don't go yet, please : h.z

you shouldn't have followed after your dear friend, but then again, the baron should know better by now that you'll never be too far behind. (1.8k)

masterlist / permanent taglist / etsy shop - requests open!

requested: well I had a request from @geekgirlofarchangels for friends to lovers and this is what I came up with as I'm a bitch for zemo rn warnings: mentions of blood, descriptions from tfatws also a brief attempt at german (I'm sorry if it's terrible)

It was one big mistake going along. You should've stayed back in the apartment as Zemo suggested. However, having been friends with the Baron for many years, he should know better by now than assume you'd do as he suggests.

Standing in the warehouse, you were watching Walker carefully. He was becoming twitchy, his patience clearly wearing thin. "It's too quiet." He states, looking over at Bucky who remains silent.

"I could check, but I am preoccupied here." Zemo chimes in, holding up his cuffed wrists, not missing the quiet chuckle from you.

"Tough crowd, Baron." You spare him a glance, noticing how he is already eyeing up the small lock on the cuffs.

"I'm going in," John steps forward, only to be blocked by Bucky.

That was the beginning of the end for things to work out smoothly. Sure, Zemo being handcuffed by Walker was one thing, but you knew Zemo well enough after all these years to know he'd be out of those within minutes. However, Walker himself was becoming a loose cannon, and you know what they say about those.

"It hasn't been ten minutes yet, John. Just sit tight." Bucky comments.

John continues to pace, nearing you and Zemo. "Don't do that, don't patronize me." John spits back, his breathing becoming frantic.

"He knows what he's doing." You speak up, ignoring Zemo muttering your name at the sight of John pausing and turning his attention to you. "Unlike some people."

"You might wanna watch yourself," John seethes, watching Zemo tug on his handcuffs. "and find better people to hang around with, sweetheart." He looks you up and down, forcing a smirk before focusing on the clock.

Stepping backwards, you can feel a hand brush across yours. Without looking, you accept it and squeeze it three times, relieved when he squeezes back.

"I'm goin' in." John marches toward Bucky, only to be pushed back. "This must be easy for you. With all that serum running through your veins." He scoffs. "Barnes, your partner needs backup in there. Do you really want his blood on your hands?"

The question hangs in the air too long, and without needing an answer, John shoves past Bucky with Lemar on his tail.

"Seriously?" You huff, moving toward Bucky and following behind him.

"Y/n," Zemo speaks up, his voice now echoing in the empty room. "you seem to be forgetting my situation." He motions to his cuffed hand.

"Well, Helmut," Slowly you walk toward him, crossing your arms over your chest whilst you try to suppress the grin forming on your lips. "I suppose you'll just have to get yourself out, you're a pro after all." You tease, turning around and leaving him be knowing he'll be right behind you in a matter of minutes.

Echoes of gunfire and voices bounce from the walls as you continue to run through the endless corridors, unsure where you're even heading.

Breathlessly, you find Sam who couldn't look more disappointed. "I was so close getting through to her." He admits, shaking his head. "Walkers lost control, Y/n."

"Where is he?" You ask, but Sam sighs. "I'll find him."

"Y/n," Bucky walks into the room. "I lost her." He states. "There's a dozen of them in there."

"This place is a maze." Sam mutters, taking his eye off you for a moment, just a moment long enough for you to slip out of the room and toward a spiral staircase.

If there's anything Zemo has taught you over the years, always look for a distraction. And for once, it's actually working in your favour.

Your feet guide you toward a large open part of the warehouse, lined with dusted windows.

"Don't," Karli yells, another round of shots being fired from someone whilst you remain out of sight, ducking behind one of the barrels.

Daring to peer around it, you swear to yourself seeing the Baron stood with his gun aimed at the young girl.

"This, this is all," Zemo keeps his gun trained on Karli whilst his attention shifts to the vials of serum beneath his feet. "wrong." He smiles to himself as he stamps on the first bottle, ignoring Karli's cries for him to stop.

"Helmut!" You yell, leaving your hiding spot and head straight toward him.

Before Zemo can finish his mission, his eyes widen at the sound of your voice. "Y/n?" He turns around, only to see the shield enter his peripheral a millisecond too late.

Falling to the ground with a dull thud, your out cold.

Unable to focus on anything else, Zemo rushes to your side. Blood marks your hairline from the impact and he lifts your head up, cradling it in his arms. "My liebling," Zemo mutters, brushing his fingers along the crimson dripping down your cheek. "why must you be so reckless?"

"I learn from the best." You weakly mutter, forcing your eyes to open despite the immense pain coursing through your head.

"What have you done?" Walker emerges from the shadows, a darker look across his eyes that Zemo easily recognises. "You'll pay for this," Zemo seethes, reaching for his gun as his hand shakes, crimson coating his fingertips.

John laughs and steps toward the pair of you, noting you trying to stay awake with little success. "I don't think I will somehow." John states confidently, tearing Zemo's gun from his grip and throws it forcefully against the wall, breaking it into pieces. "Have fun, Zemo." John salutes to the Baron before disappearing back into the shadows, knowing what he has to do.

Taking your hand in his, Zemo squeezes it three times in hope of a response, but you remain limp in his arms. "Come on, Y/n," He whispers, bringing your hand to his lips and presses his lips against your palm. "I can't lose you too."

When Zemo emerges from the building, the world is a different place. A man's body lies beneath the feet of Captain America, blood staining the shield and you lay in Zemo's arms.

"Y/n?" Bucky hits Sams arm forcefully, averting his eyes from the scene in the middle of the square to a dishevelled looking baron cradling your body close to his chest.

"What happened?" Sam demands, now walking alongside Zemo who remains lost in his thoughts, thinking back to all that time you spent visiting him in prison, trying to provide some level of sanity to keep him occupied for the short while you had alone.

"He did." Zemo spits the words, his eyes remaining glued to your face, dried blood coating the left side that is hidden in the fur of his coat, tainting the pure white. "I'm going to kill him once my Y/n is awake." He mutters under his breath, not caring if either men hear his comment.

Once they reach Zemo's apartment, the silence between the trio is deafening.

Zemo takes you straight toward his bedroom, knowing you'd prefer privacy rather than being under the watchful eyes of your other friends.

"Oh, little dove," Pulling the silk sheets over your body, Zemo lowers the glass of scotch onto the bedside table alongside a damp towel to clean your blood.

As he presses the towel along your hairline, his free hand cups your face. He brushes his thumb across your cheek, humming a familiar tune.

"This is a nice way to wake up." You mumble, feeling Zemo tense momentarily whilst you keep your eyes closed. "Are the blinds open?"

"Hold on." Zemo moves away from you, taking the warmth with him causing a shiver to ripple through you.

Hiding you from the daylight and the cold reality of the world, darkness coats the walls. "Thanks." You comment, trying to sit upright only to wince and have your arm bat lightly by Zemo's hand.

"Don't move." Zemo instructs, perching on the edge of the bed, his coat thrown across the chair in the corner of the room, hiding the bloodied fur from your view. "You really are stupid sometimes, schatz."

"You really want to have this conversation, now?" Quick to retort, you glare up at your friend, having not forgotten what you witnessed in that warehouse. "It's all gone, isn't it?"

Zemo's prolonged silence answers your question, and he listens to you hum in response.

"Du bist ein idiot, Helmut." You state in German, not missing the tug on the corner of his lips. "But you're my idiot, nonetheless."

Stretching your arm out, you take a hold of his hand, squeezing it three times. "I thought I'd lost you for a moment in there, Y/n." Zemo painfully admits, knowing you were slipping in and out of consciousness.

"I know," You rub your thumb across his knuckles, his hands were always so soft against yours. "but I promise you, Helmut, I'll never go down without a fight."

"I don't want you to fight, Y/n." Zemo sighs heavily. "I just want you to be safe."

Scoffing lightly, you force yourself upright despite Zemo shifting closer. "You can't control that, Helmut." You remind him, having visited him once or twice with some minor injuries from smaller missions with Sam. "Nothing about us is certain, I mean," Trailing off, you can feel the mere thought of the conversation is causing your head to thump.

"Come," Zemo rises to his feet and walks around the bed. "get some rest. We can talk in the morning."

As Zemo approaches the door, you interrupt him. "Helmut, please, don't go." You whimper, faintly seeing him turn back to face you. "I don't want to be alone if I don't have to."

Smiling sadly to himself, Zemo removes his shoes and slides beneath the covers. Within a matter of seconds, he holds you close in his arms, your head resting against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"I'm not going anywhere, Y/n." Zemo whispers, kissing the top of your head as your eyes close, tears dampening his shirt. "Not when I just got you back."

"You sure about that?" You dare to ask, glancing up to see the faint outline of a sad smile crossing his lips as those dark eyes remain on yours.

"When it comes to you, I'm certain." He mutters, feeling you shift in his arms.

Your breath fans his lips before you softly kiss him. Zemo reacts instantly, his hand moving to cradle your neck as he kisses you back, desperate to not let you go.

Eventually, you both part. "Helmut," You breathe out, only for him to kiss you chastely. "I,"

"Don't say it, Y/n." Zemo hushes, knowing if he heard those three words leave your lips he'll never forgive himself if anything happened to you or him. "Save them for me, okay?"

Nodding in response, you mould back into Zemo, his fingers gliding across your shoulder creating various patterns including love hearts without realising it.

Yet, as you begin to drift off, you hear those three words from him, hoping that one day you can say them in return.

t a g l i s t (thank you for the support!) link in my bio and at the top of this piece to add yourself☺️(if your user isn’t tagged, it’s because nothing comes up sorry!)

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ikleesfiction · 3 years ago

Text

Miss Americana

Fandom : Crossover Hawaii Five-0 x Chicago PD TV Word count : 5,610 words Pairing : Steve McGarrett x Danny Williams; Jay Halstead x reader

Summary : You met Williams-McGarrett family in Los Angeles and they introduced you to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Your boyfriend, Jay Halstead, doesn't know anything about this. Yet.

Author's note :

This is the fourth one shot of "Will you follow through if I fall for you" fic continuation. It would be better if you read it first. But if you don't, here's the quick summary.

This happened after I listened to a few podcasts (1 🞂 2 🞂 3) of Scott Caan and Alex O'Loughlin, passionately talking about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

This fic does not comply to the canon of Hawaii Five-0 or Chicago PD. So if you don't follow one of the other, it should not be a hindrance, I think. Here's hoping that I'm right.

Disclaimer

◢◤

"Would you like another cup of coffee?

You look up from the book in your hand to the waiter addressing you.

"Oh, I would love to. But it's already my fourth cup of the day," You grimace at him. "Maybe I'll take a bottle of water, please? Cold, if you have one."

The waiter grins at you, "Sure thing," then leave with your empty cup of coffee.

You are supposed to meet your friend, Tim, at his house on The Bird Streets to work on a song. However, he got a sudden appointment and asked you to wait for his call to reschedule. So here you are, sitting at a Cafe/Bistro somewhere in Los Angeles, drinking too much coffee.

You check your watch and your phone. It's almost lunchtime, but your phone is still showing nothing. Alright then, you thought to yourself, back to the book. Your eyes immediately find the last paragraph you read on Astrophysics for People in a Hurry.

Five pages later, the waiter puts a bottle of water on your table, "Here it is. You sure you don't want another cup of coffee?" He jokes with you.

You laugh in response, "No, really, thank you."

The waiter leaves with a smile and turns to the table across from yours. That's when you notice somebody's sitting there.

"Good afternoon. Only for two?" The waiter lays two menu cards on the table.

"Four. My husband and daughter are parking the car." The man answers him with a smile. He has a little boy sitting next to him. His son, you guess, since both of them have blond hair. Their noses look similar too.

"Danno, can I have ice cream for lunch?" The boy begs his father, pointing at one of the delightful pictures on the card.

"Hmm, maybe." The father hums his reply. He exchanges a knowing glance with the waiter.

"Do you want anything to drink while you're waiting?"

"Soda!" The boy yells from his chair, who laughs at his father's glare.

"How about two glasses of orange juice?" The father checks to his son before confirming it with the waitress.

"Okay, be right back with your drinks."

After the waiter leaves, the boy begins to prattle about everything to his father. About giraffes at the zoo ("They are so tall like Dad!"), about his favorite ice cream flavors ("Cookie Dough. But I like Kame's shave ice better, Danno"), about swimming at Venice Beach ("There's a lot of people there, Danno. I like our beach more")

The boy doesn't even look like he needs to breathe. You can't help but let out a chuckle. His father looks up at you and shares a grin. "That's great, Charlie," He comments to his son.

You let their conversation become a white noise while you read your book.

At your periphery, you see someone passes by. However, you don't expect a hand to suddenly sneak your phone from the table. Your hand instantly grabs that wrist, trying to stop it from stealing your phone. But the thief forcefully pulls his hand out of your reach and moves away.

Unfortunately for the thief, he runs straight to the father at your neighboring table. The man has no problem flipping the thief over and pushes him to their table. When the thief squirms away from his clutch, the man lifts the thief's elbow high up and turns it behind his back in a very painful lock. The unpleasant sound coming out of the thief's mouth proves how excruciating it is.

The man's eyes wander. Many shocked faces are staring at him, including yours. "It's okay, I'm a cop," He explains.

In contrast to the crowd, the boy looks at his father in awe, gleefully clapping his hands.

"Charlie, why are you clapping? You're not supposed to clap at this. Oh my god, you are just like your father! Happy to see any aggression," The man rants as he takes out a cable tie from his trousers' pocket. You don't even know why he got cable ties in his pocket. He efficiently ties the perp's hands behind his back and forces him to sit.

Only then, the man addresses the crowd again, "Has anyone called 9-1-1?"

"I did. The police are on the way," One of the cafe's staff squeaks from the door, with a phone still in her hand.

"Excellent! Did you hear that? Your ride would be here soon," The man tightly squeezes the thief's shoulders. The thief could only reply with an agonized grunt.

Everybody else resumes their activities with a sporadic look to their table.

The boy picks up the stolen phone from the floor. It fell near his foot during the short scuffle. "Danno," He hands your phone over to his father.

"Ah, thanks, Charlie," The man ruffles the kid's hair and kisses the top of his head.

"I believe this is yours?" The man returns the phone to you. "Hope it's still working?" He cringes at the spiderweb marks on the phone screen.

"Thanks. Probably not. But it's alright." You smile at the man and offer to shake his hand, "Y/N Y/LN, thanks again for helping me,"

The man takes your hand, "Hey, no big deal. Danny Williams. And this is my son, Charlie," Danny brings Charlie in front of him. You extend your hand to Charlie as well.

All of a sudden, you hear voices yelling from behind you. "Danno! Charlie!"

You look back to see a tall, dark, imposing man and a beautiful teenage girl rushing in your direction. Charlie shouts back at them, "Daddy! Gracie!"

So you guess they must be Danny's husband and daughter.

This new man drops down to Charlie's level and checks on him, trying to see if he's injured. "Are you okay? Charlie?"

"Dad! Dad! Danno was soooo cool! He pushing and then flipping and then that man went aaargh!" Charlie re-tells the scene to his father, holding his elbow behind his back to show him.

Couldn't really understand his son's story, the man asks his husband to elaborate, "Danny, what's happening here? Why are you arresting this man?"

"I'm not arresting anybody, Steve. We don't have jurisdiction to make an arrest, you know? Since we are in LA, not Hawaii? I'm just holding this man until LAPD shows up," Danny clarifies to his husband, Steve.

"But why?" Steve is still confused.

"This guy here, what's your name?" Danny barks at the thief. But his mouth stays glued. "Really? Would you prefer my ex-SEAL here asking you the question?" Danny gestures in Steve's direction.

Steve stands tall. His hands are folded in front of his chest. His biceps bulge in his tight t-shirt. The thief's face turns green, looking fearful. Steve's scowl was probably not helping either.

"Danny?? What's going on here?" Steve begins to lose his patience.

"What?? It's no big deal, babe!" Danny yells back at Steve. "This guy here tried to nick this woman's phone. I'm just helping her," Danny motions in your direction.

"Y/N, here's my husband, Steve McGarrett, and our daughter, Grace," Danny continues to introduce you to his family. You shake their hands and exchanging simple pleasantries.

"As I said, I just helped Y/N to get her phone back. Now we are waiting for LAPD," Danny ends his explanation.

Shortly a police car comes, and two officers quickly take their statements. Initially, the police officers are bemused to find the thief already sat with his hands tied behind his back. After Danny explains that he is a Detective from Honolulu PD and how he prevented the attempted theft, the police officers understand the situation. They ask if you'd like to press charges on Tom Norris, that's the thief's name according to his ID. Considering you're not hurt, you decline on pressing charges. The police are gone with the thief sooner than you expected.

"Can I treat you lunch for your trouble? Shoot! A super late lunch?" You corrected after checking your watch.

"Hey, don't worry, it's no trouble at all," Danny says to you with a big smile.

"No, no, seriously. You guys were on holiday, I guess. But still bothered to help me. Lunch is the least I can do."

Before long, they arrange to get a table for five and talk a lot during the meal.

◢◤

"So you guys are from Hawaii? That's nice!" You tell the family.

"See, Danno? That's what you're supposed to say about Hawaii. You're the only one who describes Hawaii as a pineapple-infested hell hole," laments Steve to his husband.

"I'm just telling the truth, babe. How about you, Y/N? Where are you from?" Danny tries to find out.

"Originally from The Netherlands, Amsterdam. But I moved to Chicago last year," You reply.

"Now that, Steve, is a city that would appreciate seasonal changes," Danny nods his approval of Chicago.

"Only you, Danno, who whines about constant sunshine." Steve grumbles.

Grace and Charlie don't react much to their parents' bickering. Too used to their silliness. But you still find it quite funny.

"So you guys are here for vacation?" You ask the family.

"Kind of. We are on holiday. Also, we are visiting the colleges here for Grace, who will graduate high school next year," Steve throws his right arm around Grace's shoulder.

"Yes, we are on an excursion to prove to Grace that LA universities are not better than the University of Hawaii," Danny quips from Steve's left.

Grace whines at his father, "Danno..."

"Danny here doesn't want his children to be far away from him," Steve enlightens you. "But I think going to school in LA would be better than The Netherlands. Wouldn't it, babe?" Steve winks at Grace.

"Do not joke about that, Steven!" Danny elbows his husband hard.

Grace looks thoughtful for a moment, "Y/N, did you go to college in the Netherlands? What do you think my chance to study there?"

"Gracie, can I come with you to This Otherlands?" Charlie innocently chirps to his sister.

Steve is laughing so loud, even after Danny punches his arm.

"What about you, Y/N? What are you doing in LA? Are you on vacation too?" Danny questions you after the laughter receded.

"I'm here for work. Most of the time, I'd do it remotely from Chicago. But sometimes I have to make the trip here or to Amsterdam," You tell them.

"What do you do?"

"I'm a music producer," You give a simple answer.

"What instruments do you play?" Steve is curious. "Guitar?"

"Mostly piano and synthesizer. I do play guitar, but I'm just an okay guitar player. I wish I could play better,"

"Dad plays guitar too!" Charlie happily declares as he points at Steve.

You cheer at Charlie's enthusiasm, "Does he? That's great!"

"Yeah, he plays very well. Maybe Dad can teach you to play better," Charlie directs you.

"Oh, yes, that would be awesome," You wholeheartedly agree with Charlie, as the rest of the table laughing at the idea of Steve teaches music.

◢◤

"Danny, I was wondering if you could explain something to me," You turn to the man.

"Shoot," Danny nods as he puts down his juice glass.

"The arm lock that you did to the thief. Where did you learn that? Did Steve teach you that?" You ask him, genuinely want to know.

"Well, even though Steve here was the Navy SEAL," Danny glares at his husband, who replies with a smirk, "I have been working as a cop for more than 20 years now. I know some moves too,"

"But that's not a cop's move," You contradict him.

"How do you know any cop's moves?" Danny confronts you back.

"My boyfriend is a cop in Chicago," You give Danny a sheepish smile.

"Ah, I see. Did your boyfriend teach you self-defense?"

"He did. I'm nowhere near good as Jay. But it's a start," You answer Danny.

"Of course. If he's not good at it, then he's not a good cop," Danny comments without sounding too arrogant.

"Jay also taught me about guns. Personally, I don't like it, but he needs me to know about it, especially gun safety. So..." You shrug.

Danny nods his understanding, "Yeah. Be glad that he doesn't bring home grenades or other explosives," Danny gives Steve a stink eye. "Unlike some Super!SEAL here,"

Steve is immune to that look. It doesn't seem to affect him anymore.

You smile at their interaction, "Jay was an Army Ranger. After he came back, he went to Police Academy,"

"Really?" Steve looks interested.

"Oh, here we go," Danny sighs at his husband.

Steve grins but decides not to comment on it any further. He goes praising Danny instead.

"But Danny is being too modest here. He is a great fighter. Sometimes he's even better than me. Which lots of people find it surprising, considering I was a SEAL,"

"and don't you forget it, babe," Danny smirks at Steve, who returns it with a chaste kiss.

You sigh internally. Looking at the lovely couple made you miss your boyfriend, Jay.

"In all seriousness," Danny begins, "I practiced Jiu-Jitsu since high school. That's where the moves come from," He pauses to sip on his drink.

"I got my Blue Belt when I entered The Police Academy. For me, I think, I learned how to fight better in Jiu-Jitsu than what they taught us there," Danny continues.

"Do you also teach it to Grace and Charlie?" You ask the parents.

"Yeah. Danny taught them both as early as possible. Grace already got her Yellow Belt when we first met. Now she is working for her Purple Belt," Steve brags. Danny also looks so proud. Grace, though, tries so hard not to roll her eyes at her parents.

"Me too! I will get my Yellow Belt soon! Right, Danno?" Charlie exclaims.

"Of course you are kiddo. After that, you surely can beat your Dad here," Danny ruffles Charlie's hair. Steve offers his palm for a high five, but Charlie punches it instead. He giggles when Steve is faking to be hurt by Charlie's tiny fist.

"Do you think I could learn it too?" You inquire to Danny.

Danny and Steve look at each other. You're waiting for their answer, hoping that they will agree.

Before they decide anything, Grace interrupts, "We can go check out the place that Sensei Egan told us, Danno."

"Yeah, that's a great idea," Steve agrees to his daughter's suggestion. "We can check that dojo for Grace, meeting the instructor. Maybe could show some moves too for y/n,"

"Okay then. Grace, share the dojo address with y/n. We can meet you there tomorrow morning, what do you say, y/n?" Danny asks you.

You're supposed to fly back to Chicago next afternoon, but what the hell, you are very interested in this offer. "Yes, sure. If you don't mind me crashing your holiday plan again?"

"No, not at all. We need to check out that place anyway." Steve waves off your worry.

Grace passes her phone to you. "You can puy your number there. I will forward you the address,"

You tap your number to Grace's phone before groaning when you remember that your phone is dead. "Could you e-mail me instead? I don't think I could replace my phone soon,"

Danny doesn't even try to hold his laugh at your poor luck.

◢◤

The next day, you take an Uber to the gym. No, it's The Dojo. You correct yourself. When you step in, Charlie is shouting at you from across the room. "Y/N!" Standing next to his sister, Charlie crazily waves at you, worried that you could not see him.

You remove your shoes, placed them accordingly at the remarked spot. Walking towards Charlie and Grace, you see the Williams-McGarrett clan wear similar outfits with other people in The Dojo. The only differences between them are their belts. Danny wears a Black Belt with a red stripe, while Steve wears a Brown Belt. Grace has Blue Belt, and Charlie has a White one. Knowing that you will do some workout, you wear a black t-shirt and training pants. Definitely a contrast in a room full of jiu-jitsu outfits.

Danny and Steve are talking to a guy on the other side of the room. This guy has a Black Belt with more stripes than Danny's, indicating that he is the instructor here.

"Hey, guys. Good morning," You greet Grace and Charlie. They reply with a big smile.

"Just out of interest, do you guys always bring your uniform on your holiday?" You gesture to Grace's clothes.

Grace laughs at your question, "It is called Gi. Yes, we are always bringing them along on holiday," She laughs again at your shocked face. "No, I'm joking. It's because we know we will visit this dojo, so we have our Gi with us,"

Soon Danny and Steve come over to your side. "Hi, y/n. So I talked to Sensei Marcus there," Danny gestures to the guy he spoke to. "We are going to follow their training for today. You can watch from the side if you're not sure you want to do it. The first hour would be the class for Kids and Teens,"

You see Grace and Charlie lining up in the center of the room with other children. They seem to be divided by belts instead of age.

"The next hour would be the adult class," Danny pauses for a moment. "If you want my suggestion, I encourage you to join the Teens class. I hope you don't feel insulted by that."

You chuckle at his words, "Not at all. I understand,"

"If it's too much, don't hesitate to stop and move aside. Everyone will understand," Steve adds.

You exhale softly, readying yourself, "Okay," before joining the line.

The first fifteen minutes, they start with stretching. So far, you have no problems with it. You practice Yoga for the last few years. You know how to stretch.

The next one, they teach you how to fall correctly. Which turns out to be a hard thing to do. At first, an instructor's assistant helps you. After a few moments, she moves away to help others. But you're still not doing it right. So Danny pulls you aside and teaches you privately for the rest of the hour.

You fall so many times until it tired you out. You cannot even get up from the mat. Your shoulders would have been bruised with so many times you landed incorrectly.

"Still interested to learn this?" Danny grabs your hand to help you get up.

Even though the lesson exhausts you, you feel great. You learn a lot, even from doing the same thing over and over again. "Hell yeah!" You grin at Danny.

"Crazy woman!" Danny pats your shoulders. Right where it hurts the most. You can't help but flinch away.

"Hurt, wasn't it? Why don't you go sit down on the outside of the mat with Charlie?"

Charlie sits on one side of the mat, a bottle of water in his hand. He is watching Grace, who has her hands on Steve's Gi, trying to throw Steve down.

Danny silently pays attention to his husband and daughter on the mat. But you can see his hands slightly move as if he's the one sparring.

Shortly, Grace has a chance to push Steve. Steve lost his balance for a moment before countering her attack. Grace would've fallen down hard if Steve didn't hanging to Grace's Gi so tight to slow her fall.

"That's great, Grace," Steve says to his daughter as he helps her up. They bow to each other to end the spar. Danny is clapping from outside the mat, "Good job, Monkey,"

Of course, you and Charlie follow Danny's example to cheer for Grace.

You still sit on the side of the mat, now also accompanied by Grace. You watch the next class practice, where Danny and Steve spar with other students for about an hour.

After the class is done, Steve taps on Danny's shoulder, "Danny, could you help me with this move?" He nods in the direction of the mat.

Danny responds with rolling eyes at his husband's antics.

Grace runs commentary in the background, "Dad didn't actually need help from Danno. However, you're not allowed to ask a higher belt to spar with. It's a sign of disrespect. But Dad and Danno often work differently between each other,"

You see Danny and Steve taking place at a ready position. It takes time before anybody falls, or one locks each other. They move fluidly. When one throws the other, they quickly bring them down along then keep them in a lock. The locks are soon countered, and they back up again. The great thing is they look like they enjoy sparring with each other. They share a laugh whenever someone throws the other or someone holds the other in a lock. You find that very interesting.

The sparring ends when Danny makes a grappling move that Steve cannot counter, so he has to tap out.

After the sparring, Steve sits back with you and his kids while Danny goes over to Sensei Marcus. Steve asks your opinion about Jiu-Jitsu, whether you're still interested to learn it.

"Very much, yeah. The first thing I will do once I'm back in Chicago is to find a Dojo," You excitedly tell Steve.

"Well, lucky for you, Sensei Marcus here knows a lot of Jiu-Jitsu instructors," All of a sudden, Danny joins your conversation. Sensei Marcus stands beside him.

"Sure, if you want to keep learning Jiu-Jitsu, I will give you some references of my fellows in Chicago," Marcus informs you.

"That would be awesome!"

Marcus shakes your hand, "Good luck!" and moves to shake hands with the rest of the Williams-McGarrett family. "Thanks for visiting our dojo. Please come again whenever you're in LA,"

They all look tired, but their smiles beam as bright as Hawaiian sunshine.

◢◤

Two weeks later, in Chicago,

You see your boyfriend's truck parked in front of your house as you walk home from the bus stop. You walk much slower than you used to. Your body is hurting all over the place, but you feel elated.

The day after you came home from Los Angeles, Jay was caught in a hard case. He had to fly out to New York and liaised with NYPD SVU to solve it.

You missed him a lot, for sure. Jay called you whenever he could for these past two weeks. Texted you every day too. But you have not got the chance to tell Jay about your new interest in Jiu-Jitsu.

After your last trip to LA, you promptly checked out the Dojo that Sensei Marcus referred to you. You were thrilled to find out that it's only fifteen minutes bus ride from your house.

You met with one of the instructors there and asked for a private class. Because that's what Danny advised you to do. "After you have a better understanding of the lessons, then I want you to go train with other people at the dojo. But for the first five or six months, you might've been better with one-on-one lessons,"

The instructor, Professor Louisa, is delighted to provide. You work on a schedule three to four times a week. The professor initially suggested only two meets in a week. But considering your occasional trip abroad for work, you prefer to do more lessons when you're in town.

This is the third week you've been learning jiu-jitsu in Chicago. Scraps and bruises are inevitable. Jay would freak out if he saw them before you could explain to him.

Jay's flight back from New York landed about two hours ago. He must've been coming directly to your place from the O'Hare. The house smells amazing when you enter the room. Following your nose leads you to the kitchen. You find your boyfriend pulling out what seems to be garlic bread from the oven, "Hey, babe. You're back!"

"Hey, you! Perfect timing!" Jay secures the tray aside before stepping closer to you. He puts one hand on your waist, the other one on your back. Moving even closer to kiss you.

His passion makes you forget your bruises for a moment. When Jay pushes you playfully, your shoulder hits the nearest wall. You instantly cry out in pain. "Argh!"

"What's wrong?" Jay stops everything he's doing to you right away.

"Nothing, I just got some bruises," You rub the pain from your shoulder.

"How come?" Jay begins to take off your t-shirt to check on the bruises, but you move away from his grasp.

"Hold on. Let me take a shower. I must've been rank from sweat. Then I'll tell you everything," You kiss Jay one more time before going to the bedroom.

As you eat the pasta primavera that Jay made, you ask him about his case in New York, "How was it?"

"It's done. We did what we have to do,"

Not interested in talking about his case, Jay interrogates you instead, "So, where did you get the bruise? I swear, I only left the city for two weeks, and you're already in trouble," Jay shakes his head.

"I'm not! I just joined this gym. Dojo, I meant. I'm taking Jiu-Jitsu lessons!" You cheerfully tell Jay.

"You what?" Jay pauses from drinking his wine.

So you told Jay the whole story. About how someone tried to snatch your phone when you're in LA. How you met the Williams-McGarrett family from Hawaii. How they got you into jiu-jitsu.

"It's so fun, Jay. Yeah, sure, I got bruises and scraps. But whenever I got stuck with my work, I go have a practice at the dojo, and then I come home feeling energized," You confess to your boyfriend.

"Really?" Jay looks at you, disbelieving.

"Uhuh," You nod as you swallow your spaghetti. "You know what, you should come and see the dojo. It might interest you too,"

"I know about martial arts, babe. I taught you how to punch, remember?" Jay reminds you.

"Yes, you did," You say in giggles, "Professor Louisa said she won't teach me how to punch,"

"Of course, Jiu-jitsu has a different approach than other martial art, say karate. Or boxing," Jay puts down his fork on the empty plate. "You sure you enjoy it?"

You hold Jay's hand and look into his eyes, "I am. This is something I want to do seriously, Jay. I admit part of it comes from you and your job. Like you always said, I need to be able to defend myself. Because you think I could get drag into your case one day,"

Jay puts his other hand on top of yours, looking somehow regretful, "Babe..."

"No, no. But I also do this for myself. Even though my body hurts, I feel great about myself. I feel more confident. It's really inspiring,"

Jay brings your hand to his lips, "Okay then, as long as you're happy with it. But I'm still going to take you to the gun range,"

You roll your eyes in response, "Of course, you will,"

◢◤

A week later, Jay walks up to The Dojo on the second floor. Someone greets him at the entrance, "Hey, man. Can I help you?"

"I suppose to pick up my girlfriend. She is training with..." Jay tries to remember the instructor's name. "Louisa?"

"Ah, yes, Professor Louisa. You must be y/n's boyfriend. I'm Professor Andy, the head of this dojo," The man offers his hand.

"Jay Halstead," Jay shakes Andy's hand.

"I think she will finish in ten minutes. You wanna see her practice?"

"Sure. If it would not be disturbing?" Jay hesitates.

"Not at all. Y/n is the only one in there right now," Andy directs Jay inside the dojo. He asks Jay to remove his shoes before stepping into the room.

Jay watches his girlfriend silently. He winces a couple times when you fall down. But he is amazed to see you immediately stand up again.

"She's resilient, your woman is,"

Jay chuckles at Andy's remark, "Yes, she is,"

Shortly after you bow to your instructor, you see Jay standing on the side with Professor Andy.

You walk towards them with a smile, "I see you met my boyfriend, Prof,"

"I did, yeah," Andy nods. "I don't think Jay would be interested in jiu-jitsu, though," He comments.

"Correction, I'm not interested to see you got thrown down repeatedly," Jay points out.

"Hey!" You hit Jay's arms as both Professors laugh at you.

"But that's how we are supposed to learn. If you don't know how to fall, you won't get back up again," Louisa says serenely.

Andy hums his agreement before ushering you out. "Alright, get out of here, you lovebird,"

When you're in the locker room, changing your Gi, Jay approaches Andy again. But before Jay could say anything, Andy hands a leaflet to him.

"Y/N told me you're a police officer. You might be interested in these classes,"

Jay takes it with a laugh, "Thanks, man. I'll check it out," He puts the leaflet on his jacket pocket and pulls out his card.

"If anything happens when Y/N is here. Or if you need anything I can help with, please give me a call," Jay sounds solemn.

Andy takes the card, "Don't worry, man. We take good care of our students here,"

"I know," Jay nods.

Soon you come out with a gym bag on your shoulder. "See you next week, Prof!"

Andy waves to the couple, "Bye, y/n. See you again, Jay!"

◢◤

Two years later,

You step out of the record store in Pilsen empty-handed, failing to find the vinyl you're looking for. You start walking west to the bus stop when you hear a commotion ahead.

You see a guy pushing people out of his way. He keeps looking behind his back like he's running from something.

"Police! Get out of the way!" You hear other voices shouting.

So this guy seems to be running from the police, you thought to yourself.

The man tries to shove you aside, but your reflex is much better. Your hands instantly grab the front of his shirt. When he tries to push you away, your right foot finds his inner left calf and sweeps him down.

When he tries to move away from your grasp, you lean down and grip his right wrist tightly with your right hand. You put your right elbow beside his right ear while your left elbow is placed underneath his elbow. Your left-hand moves to hold your right wrist from below his right hand. His arm is essentially locked when your left bicep snugs against his right tricep. You raise your elbow slightly from the surface. The more he wiggles his way out, the higher you raise his elbow from the surface, the more painful the lock is.

You hear an impressed whistle from above. When you look up, you find Jay and Hailey standing in front of you. Jay gets a huge grin on his face while Hailey is sporting a shocked look.

"Nice takedown, babe," Jay compliments you.

"Thanks. You might wanna take over from here, though," You say to your boyfriend as you hear few more steps rushing towards you.

You loosen the lock after you are sure Jay gets his hand on the perp. He grabs the suspect up from the floor and pushes him towards the wall.

You find a hand extends in front of your face, offering to help you stand up. You look up to see it was Hailey. You take her hand with a soft thanks.

Once you're back on your feet, you look around to see the other members of the Intelligence Unit staring at you. Adam, Kim, and Kevin are mirroring Hailey's initial look of surprise. Jay's boss, Hank Voight, looks impassive as always. But you catch an amused twitch at one corner of his lips.

"Man, at least give me time to feel my hand again! That bitch could break my arm, you know!" you hear the perp complaining when Jay prepares to cuff him.

Without saying anything in response, Jay folds the perp's wrist inside. The perp yells even louder because of the wristlock.

Kevin moves to take the man away from Jay before any further damage could happen. He ushers the perp right away to a nearby cop car.

Jay turns to check on his girlfriend, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." You nod back at him.

"I didn't know you could do that, Y/N," Hailey tells you. "You never tell me that your girlfriend practiced any martial arts," She continues to slap Jay's shoulder.

You answer with a sheepish smile, "It's kinda new,"

"Blue Belt in Jiu-Jitsu is not "kinda new" babe," Jay elbows you playfully.

The team boss pats your shoulder once before walking back to his car, "Good job, Y/LN,"

Kim, who's partnered up with Voight today, quickly follows. But not before inviting you for drinks, "You have to tell me all about this over drinks!"

"See? Even Voight agrees. We'll make a cop-out of you soon, Y/N," Adam offers his fistbump to you.

You meet his with your fistbump but shake your head, laughing, "Not in a million years, Ruzek,"

He only replies with his laugh and walks towards Kevin and the perp.

Jay puts his arm around your shoulders with a huge smile, "C'mon, Kev and Ruz can take care of the perp for a while. Hailey and I will drop you home."

88 notes · View notes

draggingthedregs · 3 years ago

Note

Hello! I love your writing so much! Can you write some kanej with Kaz being protective of Inej? If not that’s completely fine :) thank u!

a/n: okay so I always really struggle with “protective Kaz” things because I feel like he knows that she can most definitely take care of herself and he respects her for that. So this is what I came up with to try and meet in the middle. There’s that scene in Six of Crows where Kaz sends Inej to get rid of Rojakke (is that how you spell it? Idk he was in one scene, his name is not the point) and then when they’re back in his office that night he asks like “Did he put up a fight?” and she says “Nothing I couldn’t handle” and he says “Not what I asked” so thats where the idea for this came from, thank you bye.

word count: 2634

There was something about the floor of the Crow Club that set Kaz at ease.

Its endless cacophony of coins bouncing from table to floor, the spinning of Makkers Wheel, the laughter floating onto the street, and, his personal favorite, the flipping that only accompanied a deck of cards. Somedays he thought he’d be content to shuffle at a table forever.

It was then that Inej pushed through the entryway, shaking off the rain that rarely ceased to pour over the crowded city. She pulled her hood down, her inky hair braided into a long rope laying against her shoulder. Kaz traced every inch of her, as he often did when she entered a room: the slope of her nose, the smile she flashed to the greetings shouted in her direction, the knives strapped to her hips. He tried to ignore the voice in the back of his head that reminded him he’d also be content to be with her forever.

There were times he hated the things that he would notice, hated how his brain slipped past the innocent intention of watching to a sinister place of touch and consequence. He flipped the thoughts over in his head, studying them from every angle like he would a card trick, trying to mold them into different pictures. But the images froze in place anyway; the feel of her skin against his burned like fire, even in an illusion.

Most of all, he hated that he couldn’t force these delusions into reality, couldn’t touch her how he wanted, couldn’t force the bile down and only feel Inej’s warmth.

As she approached him, nodding to the private game rooms at the back of the club, giving him a clear view of her, he saw that something was amiss. Scarlet bloomed through her vest and onto her sleeve, trailing down to her thigh. He followed her, shutting the heavy door behind them and turning its complex series of locks. She’s upright. That’s all you should care about.

“The Exchange was crawling with Stadwatch. Security must be tight since the incident.”

“Did they see you?”

Inej practically scoffed, leaning her weight against the wooden table. “No. But I’m sure they’ll find someone who fits their bill. You know as well as I do, the council will want this quieted soon.”

Kaz nodded. Two weeks ago, the Exchange had been robbed, and though it was never publicly released, Kaz knew exactly what was stolen. After all, he had all the stocks and shipment papers locked in his safe as they spoke.

Roeder had been the one to pull off the job originally, this being one of the few things Kaz had required a spider for while she was busy at sea. He had done a mediocre job, but he was sloppy with locks and leaving the place as he’d found it. Going back to the scene of the crime seemed too risky a gamble but when Inej returned, she knew she could scrape it. And Kaz wasn’t going to start doubting the Wraith’s abilities now.

He flipped through the file she handed him. To anyone else, it may have looked useless, just pages and pages of numbers and times, scratchy handwritten tables filled with nonsense. But to him, and to a mercher with half a whit, this was key to investing. With the talleys and dates in hand, he would know what shipments to bank on and where to place his shares for the next few months.

“As always, the Wraith pulls through.”

Inej nodded and pulled her hood up once more. “You’re welcome.”

Kaz gave her another once over, slower than intended. “What happened?” He blurted, his voice sounding like a low growl in his throat.

Inej looked down at herself, brows knitted, studying the blood on her trousers. “Bullet or two from a guard just shooting at shadows.” With her brief summary of events, she took her weight off the table, readying herself for the journey back into the wet.

Kaz felt a sinking in his chest at the thought of her walking away from him, even if it was just to her apartment, and he hated himself for it. Now especially with her covered in blood, he couldn’t stomach the thought of her leaving. Without meaning to, he had taken himself back to before she had left.

It had been Inej’s last night before heading to sea when they had tried to pretend they were normal, that there wasn’t still so much between them. Kaz sat next to her on his bed, bad leg out in front of him, avoiding her gaze.

“We don’t have to do this at all.”

But he did. Kaz had to prove that he had come further than this. I can best this…

When she set sail the next morning, the feeling of failure settled deep within him, right beside the feeling that this time, he may never get her back from the sea.

Now, he couldn’t help but stop her. “Inej-” he began.

She turned, her hand resting on the doors heavy handle.

He made up the steps between them to stand beside her. Kaz forced himself to give any semblance of explanation, knowing that he’d promised to give her what she deserved and knowing that he was currently failing. “Let me walk with you.”

Inej nodded, dropping her hand as Kaz unlocked the door and opened it for her. He felt awkward, and quite frankly stupid; opening it as if she was some pretty girl that couldn’t handle the difference between whether to push or pull. She strided through anyway and he followed, silently cursing himself and hoping the grimace on his face looked normal for his temperament. Once they’d made it to the street, she slowed to walk beside him.

At first, neither of them spoke. Then, in her gentle and hushed tone, perhaps to avoid his inevitable questions about her evening, “Am I getting a personal escort through the Barrel?”

Kaz needn’t look down to feel the smile in her voice. “Is that what you’d prefer to call it?”

“It isn’t exactly an evening stroll down the canal, is it?”

“I suppose not.” He cringed at the sound of his own rasp, smashing against the lift of her voice like waves against stone. Though from what he could tell, she didn’t do the same. Inej only shrugged, tugging her hood forward against the drizzle.

“I only meant that I should feel lucky to get the King of the Barrel to myself for the night.”

Kaz thought he might keel over. “I am a busy man, but I still find time to survey my kingdom.”

Inej only rolled her eyes and kept her gaze straight forward. A moment of silence nestled between them, leaving only the sound off the East Stave hanging in the air. After fighting with himself for what seemed like far too long, his gaze settled atop her.

“Yes?”

Kaz swallowed hard, “Did you miss Ketterdam?” Did you miss me?

She considered his question, and to him, the silence stretched through the air like a rubber band about to break.

“I did. More than I thought I would.” Inej finally relented. Her voice had drifted to a somber place, a quiet stillness replacing the humor she’d had minutes before.

They had turned down a back alley, the darkness consuming them in sore contrast to the dazzling lights of the Stave. Their footsteps echoed in a syncopated rhythm, his awkward gait and cane paired with her near-soundless steps.

Maybe it was the high of having her back, walking next to him through Ketterdam as they’d done so many times before, but he hadn’t realized the direction they’d been walking. They approached the Slat, its crooked frame jutting out from the foundation at a welcoming tilt. He glanced down to Inej once more, watching as she took in the building, trying to see it through her eyes, as he wished to see much of the world.

“Is the Captain afraid of her old nest?”

If he had intended it as a jab, she didn’t take it as such. Inej shook her head once, “It just feels like home…”

She moved before he did, taking a deep breath of the stale air inside as she stepped through the threshold. There was movement, as there always was, but the Slat was quiet this time of night and Kaz was thankful. It meant that, selfishly, he could keep Inej upstairs and to himself for as long as he could come up with things to talk about. Perhaps they’d even sit on his bed and she would allow him to make up for the last time they’d found themselves there.

Kaz marveled at her as she took the creaky stairs ahead of him, the steps creaking beneath his weight after seemingly not registering her. His eyes once again wandered to the blood stains that covered her. He felt a hair-pin trigger go off in his chest and suddenly, there was anger.

Stop that. She isn’t yours to save.

Inej waited for him to open the door, sidestepping as they both now stood on the landing. If Kaz hadn’t just been studying her, he might have missed her change in demeanor and the way she shifted her weight to the wall behind her.

“Inej.”

“Hm?”

Kaz attempted to even his tone. “How bad are they?”

“What?”

His voice sounded like stones grinding against one another, “The bullet wounds.”

She shrugged but he could see the stress of the evening in her features. Her limbs seemed heavy and her eyelids fought to open with every blink. With a shove, Kaz unlocked his office door, forcing the warped wood open and, without hesitation, Inej followed him in, taking in the room as she clicked the locks back into place.

He leaned his cane against the makeshift desk and shucked his gloves off as he approached the cabinet beneath his wash basin, digging through its drawers for gauze and shears. Behind him, he heard the familiar creak of his window opening. The smell of rain against the cobblestones wafted toward him.

“Your window seat has felt neglected. Your crows too.”

“Does that mean you stopped feeding them while I was gone?”

No. They reminded me of you. I couldn’t let another piece of you go. “They’re scavengers. I’m sure they managed.”

It was then that Kaz turned to see her standing by his bed. Inej looked up, her cheeks flushing red like she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t have been. He only walked over, setting the bandages on the thin mattress. “So I don’t have to find a heartrender for you.”

“They really aren’t that bad-”

“You’ve bled through your clothes. They’re bad enough.”

Inej cleared her throat as she began removing layers of knives and clothes. Kaz’s eyes roved over her, the pounding in his chest growing louder. He hated it.

Her arms and shoulders were covered in fresh scars, some of them still red and scabbed, and the bruises on her ribs were still deep purple.

“Slavers don’t give up their cargo easily.” Inej’s voice came out with caution, as if she was waiting to see his reaction.

His gaze met hers, voice carving into the air like a rusted blade. “Where are they all now?”

“Dead.”

A sense of pride cracked through him as a rare smile settled on his lips. Kaz nodded. “Good.”

She picked up a strip of bandage, wrapping it around the bullet wound on her bicep, silence filling the space between them. Inej didn’t need to look up to feel the weight of his eyes on her. A flush crept to the tops of her ears. “I didn’t want you to see.”

It was rare for Kaz Brekker to be confused and yet, here he was.

“I thought you might kill someone. Or start to doubt that I could handle myself.”

“I could never doubt you. Only a fool would.” It was only after he said it that he realized it had been aloud.

Inej tied off the bandage then glanced down to the blood on her pants.

“I can-”

“No.” She said, finally making eye contact with him again. “Stay.”

For his sake and hers, Kaz turned his head to avoid staring as she shimmied out of the bloodied fabric.

She sat on the edge of the bed and poked around for any bullet fragments, the muscles in her thigh tensing, the dried blood on her skin looking black. Inej was just as strong as ever; all her limbs built of corded muscle coated in the lithe grace of an acrobat, just as he remembered. Despite his better judgement, Kaz took a long look at her.

It’s shame that eats men whole. He could feel it gnawing at him as he attempted to push away the image of her bare thighs against his sheets.

“Kaz, can you-?” She nodded to the scissors, her hands stuck at an awkward angle around her leg, the apprehension on her face clear.

He picked them up and took a deep breath before sitting down beside her. When he leaned over, he was careful not to touch her. Her breath stirred the hair on the back of his neck. One turn of his head and their lips would have been inches apart. This reminded him far too much of the hotel washroom; he only hoped it would end better.

Kaz cut the bandage gently, taking the end from her and tying it, his knuckles grazing against her skin. Panic hit him before anything else, afraid he had overstepped. It took him a moment to realize there was no revulsion roiling through him.

“Inej-”

“It’s alright… Thank you.”

He nodded, grabbing what was left of the bandages and the shears and placing them on top of his dresser. Then he opened one of his drawers, rummaging through the mess of clothes until he found what he had been looking for.

Kaz handed her a pair of cotton sleep trousers. “I can’t imagine yours are salvageable.”

Inej smiled, sliding them over her legs. They were huge on her. And though they hadn’t discussed her sleeping arrangements for the evening, it appeared she would be staying there.

He sat back down, staring at his bare hands; the hands that had just graced her without trouble or hesitation. She reached over, threading her fingers through his, and studied him, watching for the shift. But it never came.

“Will you lay with me?”

At that, he looked up.

In front of him was a girl who deserved so much more than Dirtyhands. A girl who made the sea cower and made the sun look dull. A girl who could have done anything she wished in life with ease and grace. And yet- she was sat in his bed, holding his hand, and patiently waiting for the semblances of affection he could provide.

Kaz felt himself nod.

She pushed herself back until she was against the wooden headboard. They both moved slowly, carefully placing their limbs so there was no overlap.

Then, he was laying beside her; both of their heads turned to study each other.

“Thank you.” Inej’s voice nearly a whisper.

The minutes stretched into hours, and Kaz lay listening to her breathing. I will have you without armor.

Well after twelve bells, the cadence of sleep seemed to grab hold of him, weighing heavy on his body. As his eyes drifted shut, he hoped that there would be more nights like this: nights with Inej close by his side and stillness in his mind.

He reached for her hand in the dark and promised he would not let go come morning. He would never let go of her again.

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timextoxhajima · 3 years ago

Text

Not For Sale: Week 14

NOT FOR SALE CHAPTER NAVIGATION

Member: Heeseung + Jay [ft. Sunghoon and Jake]

Pairings: [fem] uni exchange student! reader x uni student! HS x uni student! Jay

Warnings: scenes in the hospital

Word Count: 3k

Synopsis/Quote: In which your oblivious ass cannot tell that a popular boy in your class has a big, fat crush on you | “It seems like the one who was ruined was me.”

Taglist: @hyunjaethereal @seasideheeseung @wooya1224 @gratefulmaria @sunshineshouchan @youreverydayzebra @fayqj @witheeseung @haechanhues @w-o-o-y-a-a @miingxuxi @reallysmolrenjun @hrrhmay-primaryblog @rosie112703 @ac-ewow @liliansun [drop me a dm/ask/comment to be added!]

You’re staring at the project document blankly, the pages filled with words and tables of the work you’ve done with Heeseung in the last few weeks or so. The weekend felt like three weeks, even when it was just three days - simply because you were in the hospital watching Jay flit in and out of consciousness and Heeseung’s still in a comatose state.

The seat next to you is empty and there is no other word to describe being alone on your last week of school than ‘sad’.

The Uber that picked Jay and Heeseung up had just been in school compounds and the police had found a rig in the brakes - the Uber had been stopped by another car driving straight into it.

Heeseung was on the side the car was rammed into. It’s a miracle he’s even still alive.

“y/n?”

The call jolts you out of your dissociation.

“Hey,” The professor walks up the stairs, and only now do you realise everybody else had left the lecture hall besides you. “I had the others hand up their projects but I saw you zoning out and I couldn’t do it.”

“Sorry,” Mumbling under your breath, you give the folder a quick flip-through before handing him the document. “Here.”

With pursed lips, he takes the folder and glances through it, skimming through the contents and pausing on the last page where you and Heeseung had signed off on.

“I’m sorry it happened.”

“I’m sorry the school had to go through so much to catch the idiot,” Through gritted teeth, you offer him a small wince.

“Well, yeah, that too,” The professor pulls up the lecture table from the seat next to you and sits himself in the plastic grove. “But it’s not important now. He’s going to be charged for God knows how many felonies, but I just- I wanted to know how you’re holding up.”

The concerned question thrums chills through you. Heeseung would’ve asked that. Jay would’ve too.

Jake and Sunghoon have probably tried, but you’re too busy crying or zoning out at the hospital to process anything else even if they did try.

“I’m fine,” You shake your head and stuff your iPad into your bag. “There’s nothing anybody can do to make him wake up faster.”

“I know that. It’s just... I don’t want a student ending her semester like this.”

The grumble of the zip as you close your bag is disgustingly loud in the empty lecture hall. You hug your bag, slowly looping your arm through one of the holes as you push the lecture table away.

“I’ll be fine. I’m leaving next week anyway and Heeseung’s not dead, so.”

The professor goes quiet upon the declaration.

“Thanks for the fun sem, Prof,” You give him a tiny, wretched smile that’s not genuine at all, lifting a leg over the backrest of the seat in front of you. “I’ll tell my dad to say hi to you every now and then.”

Finally on both your feet one row before him, he looks at you with sad, tired eyes.

“It’s been a pleasure having you and Heeseung as students, y/n. Do come back to visit when you come visit your father.”

A bare nod shakes your head.

“Bye prof.”

The ceiling looks the same. The light dangling from the beige, crusty roof looks dusty.

The room looks the same - except the fact that 80% of it were in boxes now. The clock hung on the wall has the loudest ticking you’ve ever heard - had it been this loud since the start?

Bzzzzt. Bzzzzzzzt. Bzzz-

“Hello.”

“Jesus Christ, how many times do you want me to call you before you’d pick up?”

Maybe until Heeseung wakes up.

“You know what? Don’t answer that.”

A pause.

“How are you holding up?”

“Great. I mean the sem’s over. I’ve handed up almost every project I need to submit.”

“Fuck you, you know I don’t mean that.”

“What am I supposed to tell you? I’m great, while I wait for my two friends to recover in the hospital? One of them’s not even awake.”

“I don’t want to be that person but no matter how much you cry or pray that he wakes up, it’s going to take time, okay? Let him rest and recuperate and he’ll spring back to life like he wasn’t just in an accident.”

“I shouldn’t have let them take the Uber.”

“For crying out loud, it is not your fault. You told them your dad was coming to get you and Jay didn’t want to cancel it for the fee. It’s a normal reaction. Who was supposed to know the Uber was rigged?”

You blink.

“Have you packed?”

You count the boxes in your room. “Mostly.”

“I’ll be at your place when you come home. We can bake cupcakes and cookies and you can tell me about the school there.”

Your ears are taking in her words but your eyes are on the paper bag on your desk. It’s the tumbler that Jay got you.

“Hello? You there?”

“Byeol, what if they don’t wake up before I leave? I have 8 days.”

“Have some faith in them, would you? Jay’s already awake right? He’s just flitting in and out of consciousness and Heeseung... They haven’t said he’s in critical condition, right?”

“But he’s been in the ER and it’s been three days.”

“Sis, I could sleep for three days. He’ll be awake before you leave.”

“Hope so.”

“Not going to the hospital?”

“Nah,” You roll over onto your side and stare at yourself in the mirror on your wardrobe doors. “Their friends are swarming the wards. It’s fine, Jake and Hoon got me onto the special visitors’ list.”

“There’s a special visitors’ list?”

“It’s Jay and it’s an expensive hospital with classier management. So yeah, pretty much.”

“That’s nice.”

Silence - except the occasional crackling of the static on the phone.

“They’ll do fine, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I have to go now. I’ll call you tonight or tomorrow, I’ll text you?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye bye.”

The car ride with your father is quiet, the gentle music from the stereo playing and you’re thinking about how your mother is back at home. She is a busy woman back home too so you hadn’t really had the time to call or text her.

For the first time in a long time, your father knows more about your life than she does.

“I know you’re probably not in the mood to answer this but...” The car slows at a red light. “Have you started packing?”

You don’t turn. The trees outside are swaying gently in the light breeze on this sunny day. It reminds you of the day Heeseung brought you out to the beach for your picnic.

“I’m about 80% done. The stuff left’s like my laptop and iPad and daily appliances.”

“That’s good,” You see him nod in the window’s reflection and glance at you. “Well, I’ll come by and hand you the documents for credit transfer later this week and I’ll send you to the bus terminal next Wednesday too, yeah?”

“Mhm,” Humming to yourself, the refracted red light turns green. “Sure.”

The car starts again. “Hun, I... I just wanted you to know that I know this sem has been difficult for you. I’m- I’m sorry that I suggested you come. Had I known that there was going to be a lunatic running on the loose, I would’ve stopped you from coming.”

“You wouldn’t have known,” You mumble, but still loud enough for him to hear. “It’s fine, it’s over.”

“And with what happened with Jay and Heeseung... I’m sorry. I really am.”

“They would’ve gotten caught up in this crazy shitfest with the psycho anyway, regardless of my presence,” Finally turning to look at your father, he side-eyes you while keeping his hands on the steering wheel. “It’s not anybody’s fault except that psycho’s that this happened.”

Your father remains quiet, unable to respond. The car drives into the sheltered drop-off point at the hospital and he watches you unbuckle the seat belt to let yourself out the car.

“Hey.”

You sling your bag over your shoulder and rest a hand on the car door.

“They’ll be okay.”

A weak smile pulls your lips up your cheeks.

“I hope so.”

By the time you’ve reached the floor where the wads were, you’ve run into a good number of their friends. Of course, there were one or two bad apples among the bunch, but most of them knew you were on a special visitors’ list and that’s why you came so late.

It never gets easier though, the look on their faces when you know they want to tell you that they’ll be okay, but promises should not be made if they cannot be kept.

Walking into Jay’s ward, you see his mother helping to sponge his face while Jake and Sunghoon speak to a friend on the other side of the bed.

You catch the room’s attention when you pull the plastic bag out from your bag and let the door shut behind you, Jay’s mother looking up and offering you a tired smile.

“Oh, hey,” Jake grins and beckons you over.

“Hi Mrs Park,” You gesture to Jake to wait before holding out the plastic bag to Jay’s mother. “It’s a box of tonic for you and Mr Park. Thought of getting fruits but I don’t think Jay can have them yet.”

“Gosh, you really didn’t have to,” She shakes her head and sets the cloth down by the bed. “Thank you. Are you sure you’re okay, coming to visit so often? You’re here everyday, aren’t you?”

You return her a tight, pursed smile. “Yeah, but it’s fine. I’m leaving to go home next week so I don’t have much time left to spend with them. I don’t mind.”

“Oh, honey,” She stands and takes the box from you, turning to set it down on the table behind her before returning you her attention. “I... I don’t know what to say. This must be all a lot for you.”

You break the eye contact first, knowing that you were probably going to cry if you hadn’t stopped looking at her.

“No, it’s fine,” You raise a palm and rub her upper arm. “All I want is to have a decent conversation with Jay before I leave, and I’ll be more than satisfied.”

“Oh!” She exclaims, nose crunching into a threatened crying mess. She holds her arms open and coerces you into her arms, patting the back of your head. “Of course. Of course, Jay will be fine by the time you need to go home. I promise.”

“I really do hope so,” You pull away first and smile weakly at her.

“By the way, Mr and Mrs Lee are with Heeseung in the ward next door,” She sniffles, anxiously rubbing her palms together.

“Oh, right- Do they know I’m on the-”

“Yes, of course they do, sweet heart,” She quickly rubs your arm to comfort you, then slides her hands down to yours to keep them in her palms. “Their parents are the sweetest couple ever and they’d be so grateful that Heeseung has a friend like you. How about I have Jake or Sunghoon bring you over to meet them?”

“Oh,” You watch as she waves to get one of the boys’ attention, Sunghoon quickly pulling away from the crowd to attend to you.

“Would you do me a favour and bring her over to Heeseung’s ward? Introduce her to his parents.”

“Of course,” Sunghoon hurriedly nods and lowers his head out of respect. “Come on.”

“Thanks, Mrs Park,” You turn your feet to follow Sunghoon, but your hands are reluctant to leave hers. “I’ll come back later.”

“No, take your time, sweet.”

With a slight nod, you pull away and trail after Sunghoon out of the ward after leaving your bag with Jake.

The ward door closes with a soft hiss, then Sunghoon pauses right before you can come into view of Heeseung’s ward door, turning over his shoulder to look down at you.

“I don’t mean to bring this up at a bad time but...”

“I know,” You nod. “I know I’ve been an ass the last few weeks. Honestly, I... I didn’t know who I wanted to be endgame either.”

Sunghoon gives your word one more second of thought before he turns around to face you.

“It’s not my business but are you going to choose? Or... just go home next week?”

You frown and look down at your hands, reminiscing the warmth from Jay’s mother.

“I don’t know,” Your voice cracks. “I don’t think I can choose. Even if I do, I have 8 days, and neither of them are awake yet. I don’t... I don’t want to do that to them.”

He takes a deep breath and looks away, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“It’s Heeseung. Choose Heeseung,” He says without looking at you. “The night they got into a crash, Jay texted Jake to tell us that Heeseung kissed you, and that was the moment he decided he would give up.”

The statement tears you apart on the inside.

“Jay’s a tough guy to hurt and he plays his cards fairly and maturely,” Sunghoon nods and finally looks at you. “Don’t feel bad you’re choosing Heeseung over him. He had a truce with Heeseung. About you. And he knows he lost fair and square, so don’t feel upset. Just pour your heart and soul into Heeseung for the rest of the time you’re here, and worry about committing anything else after you’ve gone home.”

You part your lips to breathe, as if it would help you understand any faster or better.

“Anyway, both Heeseung’s parents are in there and they already have an idea who you are so... Just be nice.”

He watches you nod, slightly zoned-out, then pushes the door open.

His parents can tell you’re more preoccupied with the limp, breathing body on the bed than their presence, but they still take it with grace and greet you like they’ve known you your entire life.

The sight of Heeseung being bandaged up with a leg hanging in the air makes you feel like shit.

Who wouldn’t?

Later in the night, after Heeseung’s mother had gone home and his father had left to get coffee, you’re left alone with him and the occasional beeping from the Holter monitor.

There was a bruise and scratch on his left cheek, and his neck, arms and right leg were in a cast. You think about how much he was going to miss dancing when he gets told he’ll need to be on a 6-month break from anything strenuous.

Tired, you pull your earpieces out and plug it into your phone, laying it on the bed while you hover over him to fit the earbuds into his ears. Then you sit back down and scroll through your playlist, playing with the volume buttons to make sure it was softer than the volume you’d normally listen to your music at.

You make your selection, then quietly lay on the mattress with the faint music drizzling the atmosphere’s noise. That’s how quiet the room was.

His fingers were sticking out of his cast, so you play with them. His hair was in his shut eyes, so you gently push them out in case he were to open them.

“One more time, Heeseung. Just one more time before I leave.”

Jay’s mother was sleeping by his bed when you walk in to check on them, bag hanging from your right shoulder and lids heavy from the terrible sleep schedule the past few days.

“Hi.”

And a smile stretches your lips out when you can see him blink, offer you his bright grin, apart from the cut on his eyebrow.

“Hey,” You whisper, walking towards him on the other side of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

Jay clears his throat and blinks. “Had better days, but at least I’m alive.”

A snigger threatens to wake his mother up. “Good. Do you want me to wake your mom up? Maybe get a doctor in to give you a check up or something.”

He shakes his head, even managing a small wave in his fingers laying by his hip. “No, I’m good. I’m going back to sleep soon anyway.”

You lean over and adjust his pillow. “Well, then I shan’t disturb you. I’ll come by again tomorrow.”

“Sure,” He looks up at you and nods. Your gazes meet, for a split second, he can kind of know what you’re thinking of, and you know what he was.

“Thank you for this sem, Jay. I really am.”

He shakes his head. “No, thank you. It was a fun sem because of you.”

“You call being in a hospital ward fun?”

Chuckling, he turns back to look at the ceiling for a second. “You will come back to visit us, won’t you? Zoom call us or something.”

“Of course. We could meet up during the summer break if anything.”

Satisfied, he nods again. “Good.”

“Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow,” You shove your hands into your pockets.

“Okay,” He quietly responds, watching you turn on your heels. “Oh, y/n.”

You turn and raise a brow.

“Heeseung. He’s the one for you, and... he’ll wake up for you. I know he will.”

With a slightly ached grin, you nod and look down at your feet.

“Bye Jay.”

“Bye.”

#enhypennetwork #heeseung scenarios #heeseung imagines #heeseung angst #heeseung x reader #jay scenarios #jay imagines #jay angst #jay x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen imagines #enhypen angst #enhypen x reader #enhypen fanfic #enhypen series #heeseung series #jay series

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elldell1204 · 4 years ago

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Hair Me Out - Spencer Reid x Reader

Y/N wears her hair in many different styles, and her boyfriend, Spencer, seems to appreciate each one in different ways.

A/N: So, I just wanted to add, I try to make my ‘reader’ as ambiguous as possible, that way you can identify with them more. However, I struggled with this one, as I am a white female with straight hair and not much knowledge of (though deep appreciation and love for) natural or curly hair, seeing as I have little to no experience. Therefore, I have tried making this as inclusive as possible but I’m sorry if at any point seems too specific and you can’t put yourself into the story. Feel free to call me out on anything you aren’t comfortable with!

Warnings: Slight sexual themes, swearing, normal Criminal minds stuff (let me know if I missed anything)

wc - 3,217

Dutch Braids -

You and Spencer had just gotten off from work about an hour ago after a gruelling day with an equally stressful case. Which is why as soon as you were both showered, dressed in the comfiest clothes you could find and waiting for the takeout to arrive, you were both sprawled out on the couch in front of a movie, having no energy left to talk, let alone move when there was a knock at the door. Seeing as you were the one with less of the other person’s body parts draped across you, you got up and answered while Spencer didn’t move an inch. You couldn’t blame him; the poor boy was exhausted.

Around twenty minutes later, you’d both eaten, leaving your plates on the coffee table in front of you with the mental promise to wash them later, and were back to snuggling into each other, getting as close as you possibly could to soothe each other after the day you had. Your head was tucked neatly into Spencer’s chest, your knees drawn up to near your chin in the foetal position, making yourself as small as possible. Spencer was the opposite; spread like a starfish with his arm around your back and his head rested against the back of the couch.

If someone were to ask you what the movie was about, you wouldn’t have a clue where to start. Truth is, you felt like you were stuck in-between both the lands of sleep and consciousness, due to wanting to spend some time with your boyfriend (despite him being your work partner for the best part of sixteen hours) but also wanting to sleep for three days. In attempt to make yourself just a little bit more awake, you started trying to focus on different things around you. First it was the quote on the front of the main character’s t-shirt, then it was the Metro you could faintly hear as the last train of the night rattled by, then it was Spencer’s finger tracing up and down one of your braids that you’d done quickly after your shower.

“Spence?” You murmured the first words spoken in practically an hour.

“Hmm?” He hummed in response, his half-lidded eyes shifting to your face that you had lifted to face him.

“What are you doing?”

“What do you mean?” His voice was merely a whisper, and if you weren’t listening for it, the only way you’d know he was speaking was from the vibration of his chest.

You gestured to your hair with your finger, and only when he realised did he stop what he was doing and chuckle lightly and dreamily.

“Oh, sorry, I’m not sure, it just feels soft, I guess. I’ll stop.”

“No, no, it’s okay, you can keep going.” You smiled at him, mustering up the energy to lean up and press a sweet kiss to his lips before retracting back to your previous position.

Ponytail -

To say you were having a bad day was an understatement. You usually like to try and stay as positive as you could be when chasing a serial, paedophilic murderer, but there’s only so many deep breaths and coffee breaks you can take before you really start to get pissed off. Not only had you been stuck in hot and sticky Texas for near a week, but you had also been put into single rooms at the hotel you were staying at. Now, not to sound ungrateful (because you very much are of the fact that you at least have a roof over your head), but only having one single bed to a room means that you can’t snuggle with Spencer after a long day, and these were proving to be very long days.

And to add to the problem, Hotch was constantly on edge since the start of the case, with the victims looking a hell of a lot like Jack, and when you were the closest person to him on that first day when his tensions finally boiled over, you had been the one in the firing line of his rage. Which you can take. You knew he didn’t mean it, and if he had to take his frustrations out on someone for a few days so he could do his job with a clearer head, you were happy to be the target.

But now after a particularly rough six days, your patience was wearing thin, and everyone on the team could see it, which is why they offered you and Spencer any jobs they were assigned that would get them out of the stifling police precinct. And you knew they had good intentions, but even that was starting to annoy you.

So now you were sat at the table in the conference room, a pen between your teeth as your eyes frantically search over the evidence you have piled in front of you, desperate for the answers to this case to fly off the page and hit you smack dab in the forehead so you could just go home and have a fight with a pillow or something, anything to destress.

You heard the footsteps coming from the doorway, but you refused to turn around. If it was Hotch, you swear to god you might actually lose your job with what you were thinking of doing if he was short with you one more time. If it was Morgan ready to hand you a first-class ticket to visit the slightly wrinkly and very smelly coroner again, you might actually flip the table.

“Hey, Y/N.” Spencer greeted you warmly, sitting on the table to your right as your eyes slowly lifted to meet his. No, not Spencer. Hold it together, Y/N, hold in your rage, he’s done nothing wrong. “Oh, I haven’t seen you with your hair tied back in a while. I like it.”

Such a sweet statement, and yet it broke you. You could see in his face the moment your eyes lit aflame with anger, and you couldn’t miss the harsh swallow he took to brace himself for your fury.

“Well, Dr Reid, let me teach you a lesson, shall I? 3 reasons. One, it is way more practical for kicking someone’s ass, and right now, I would love nothing more than catching the sleazy son-of-a-bitch who is deriving pleasure from this,” You gesture violently to the crime scene photos splayed out in front of you before continuing to spit your venom. “And beating the living shit out of him until he’s crying out for his mommy. Two, do you know how many officers have tried to flirt up a storm with me in the past week? Way too many to count on one fucking hand! One even went so far as to try stroking my hair like a goddamn cat, and so to avoid that situation, I have put it in a ponytail, because if anything of that nature happens again, I won’t hesitate to break someone’s arm. And three, I usually have it down because most men think you’re dumber when you play with your hair, or I can play seductive to get what I want without a warrant fifty percent of the time. But seeing as we have absolutely nobody on the suspect list right now, and the sheer fury I possess at this moment, I don’t foresee the possibility of me needing to be either of those things, do you?”

Your lungs were heaving once you were done, and poor Spencer looked like you just told him you were a Russian spy sent to kill him. Your eyes were locked onto each other’s, and when you came back to reality from your rant, you recognised the softness and love in his that you were grateful for every day. Granted, they were a little masked by fear right now, but you’d admired him often enough to be able to spot even the faintest hint of your favourite emotions.

You let out a deep sigh, signalling you were back to your normal self as much as you could be right then, before dropping your head into your hands to rub your eyes with the heel of your palms.

It was then you felt the unmistakeable warmth of Spencer’s hand rubbing soothing patterns on your back as you gathered yourself together, bringing tears to your eyes as you opened them once more to face him.

“Oh, Spencer,” You whispered, grabbing his hands tightly with yours, lifting them to your lips and pressing sweet kisses to his knuckles. “I’m so, so sorry. You didn’t deserve that at all.”

“It’s okay, my love.”

“No, it’s really not. I never should have raised my voice at you, especially when it’s not your fault at all that I’m frustrated.”

“Y/N, I understand.” He smiled at you, a small and sympathetic one, but it calmed you nonetheless as he stood, pulling you up from the chair to wrap his arms tightly around you. You gripped onto him like he might run away if you didn’t, breathing in the warm scent that is so unmistakeably Spencer. Your vision was now cloudy with the tears that so desperately wanted to spill, but you were adamant you wouldn’t give the local cops the satisfaction of seeing you with wet cheeks. Luckily, Spencer knows you better than anyone.

“There’s a park a few minutes’ walk from here with a small duck pond. Would you like some fresh air?”

You nodded frantically against his neck as you finally let go, allowing him to lead you out of the precinct, hand in hand, his thumb running softly over yours as you walked.

“I don’t deserve you.” You mumbled, leaning in closer to him as you carried on down the path.

“Nonsense,” He whispered, pressing a kiss to your hair. “We deserve each other. Just remind me not to get on your bad side; I like having both of my arms functional.”

Bed Head -

A blaring alarm at 6am has to be up there with one of the most annoying things on the planet, and I work with Derek Morgan. You let out a groan, your arm floundering around to find the source of the wretched noise. Groaning in defeat of not being able to do it with your eyes closed, you cracked one open, locating your phone, and finding sweet relief in the snooze button. A very overexaggerated yawn left your lips as you attempted to stretch your arms over your head in an effort to wake up, only to find one immobilised in the grasp of your boyfriend.

You took advantage the rare opportunity of waking up before Mr Alarm Clock himself (also known as Dr Spencer Reid) by allowing yourself a few minutes to admire his form in the golden sliver of sunlight escaping the outside world through the gap in the curtains. It was only when your alarm went off again after the five-minute snooze timer did you try to wake him up.

“Spence, baby, time to wake up.” You whisper, attempting to gently coax him from his slumber. When that didn’t work, you laced your fingers through his mousy-brown curls, scratching lightly at his scalp, just how he likes. Only then did you receive a response in the form of a muffled groan into his pillow.

“C’mon, my love. We need to get ready for work.” You spoke softly, pressing a delicate kiss to his forehead.

You chuckled lightly, wrapping your arms around his torso as your legs entwined. “Okay, my sleepy darling. But only five.”

“Mmm, five more minutes.” He mumbled, nestling his face into your hair as he pulls you closer than you thought possible.

Safe to say you took breakfast to go, just so you could bask in each other’s embraced for a little longer than five minutes.

Post-Sex Hair -

You climbed from his lap gently, unsure if your legs could hold yourself up as you panted heavily. Practically throwing yourself down beside Spencer on the bed, he took the opportunity to grab your hand, lacing your fingers with his as you laid your head on his chest. You were both still a little dreamlike in your post-orgasmic haze, and when Spencer began to press kiss after kiss into your hair, you didn’t hesitate to enjoy them.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered into your hair, punctuating his statement with a final kiss for good measure.

You looked up from your position, shifting slightly so you were face to face, and scrunched up your nose. “Really? Even with sweaty sex hair?”

He chuckled, and you followed with a giggle of your own as he leant over to capture your lips in a sweet kiss. “Especially with sweaty sex hair.” He whispered with a joking edge to his voice, his lips brushing with yours.

“Well, I’m pretty sure the team wouldn’t love my sweaty sex hair, so I better hop in the shower.” You smiled, kissing him quickly once more before climbing out of the bed and walking towards the bathroom, a sway to your hips.

As you reached the door, you turned to shoot a smirk over your shoulder at the blissed-out boy behind you. “Oh, are you not joining me?”

You swear you’d never seen the boy move as fast as when he clambered from the bed and chased you into the bathroom.

Straightened -

There was something about going undercover that equally excited you and creeped you out. Especially tonight, when you were having to go under in a club to catch a guy who was killing adulterous wives. You were the closest person in the team to his type, so it was a no-brainer to choose you, really. Didn’t mean you were happy with it, and it seemed that Spencer wasn’t either, if his clenched jaw was anything to go by.

Well, you were going to do it no matter what, so why not get yourself dressed up and try to bring some joy back to a less than ideal situation? That is why you were stood in the locker room of a precinct on the west coast in a red crushed velvet minidress with black heels, a fake wedding ring and straightened hair, and you couldn’t lie, you were totally feeling yourself.

“Woah, Y/N, you look…amazing.” You heard Spencer say as he entered the room.

You turned your head and smiled at him, feeling a little flustered as his eyes trailed over your form. You attempted to push your dress further down your thighs as he walked to you, his hands encircling your waist from behind and his head perched on your shoulder.

“It’s not too much is it?” You mumbled, looking down at yourself to do a final once over.

You felt his fingers under your chin, lifting your head to look him in the eyes through the mirror, ones filled with love and a hint of desire that set your skin aflame. He brushed your hair aside from your neck to trail kisses down the side of your throat, eliciting a breathy sigh from your lips.

“No, Y/N, you look badass.”

You giggled at the word that seemed so foreign coming from Spencer, but that was soon muffled when he spun you around by his hands on your hips and his lips hungrily met yours. Your lips moved against each other’s, his tongue coming to swipe at your bottom lip in a request for entrance. You granted it, and soon you felt your back collide with the cool metal of the lockers. You grabbed a fistful of his shirt as you explored his mouth with your tongue, relishing in the taste of him. You laced a hand up into his hair as you felt a hand that he had at your waist moving to your ass, gripping it roughly, causing you to moan into his mouth.

“Reid? Y/L/N? You two lovebirds ready?” You heard Morgan mock from the doorway and you both immediately jumped apart like some sort of invisible wall had shot up between you.

Looking around to see that Morgan wasn’t in your eyeline, given that the lockers luckily blocked you two from his view. But not from earshot, seeing as you could quite clearly hear his hearty chuckles as his footsteps got quieter and quieter.

You looked up at Spencer, his hair dishevelled and his tie askew, a look of both embarrassment and amusement at being caught making out like two horny teenagers adorned his face. A grin broke out on your lips, which he mirrored, and soon you were both laughing hysterically as you sorted yourselves out in the tiny little mirror on the wall, attempting to make it look like you weren’t a few seconds away from tearing each other’s clothes off, before re-joining the team in the conference room.

Messy Bun -

Ugh, cold and flu season. You swear you never make it through it unscathed. And it seems as if your battle was commencing today. You woke up feeling dreadful; runny nose, scratchy throat, constant sneezing, and red-rimmed eyes. Attractive.

There was no question in having to call in sick, so after throwing your hair up in the messiest of messy buns and locating the snuggest blanket, you dialled the number. You could practically hear the wince from Hotch when you started having a sneezing fit down the phone. Now you weren’t sure if you could look the man in the eye when you went back.

Once that torture was over and done with, you were feeling sorry for yourself and decided on a warm cup of tea and a dose of shitty daytime television. You were halfway through some over-enthusiastic talk show when you heard a knock at your door. Refusing to leave the blanket behind that you’d burrito’d yourself in, you shuffled over to the door.

You didn’t expect a very sympathetic looking Spencer on the other side of the door, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a welcomed sight.

“Hey.” You croaked out.

“Hi. How are you feeling?” You gave him a look that said it all, and he chuckled lightly. He lifted the bag he had in his hand. “I brought the best cure I could think of; chicken noodle soup.”

“I don’t want to get you sick, Spencer.” You whined, wanting nothing more than to curl up into his side but holding onto your selfless and rational thoughts by a mere thread.

You smiled at that, stepping aside to let him in. He passed you and went and got comfortable on your couch, grabbing a fork on the way. When you met him in the living room, he was ready and waiting for you with his arms open for you to snuggle into.

“Don’t worry about me. Now come on, your soup is getting cold.” He smiled, making grabby hands at you.

You made your way over, sinking into his embrace as he passed you the container and your fork. After a few mouthfuls and several minutes of listening to his steady breaths and thumps of his heart, you were feeling much better.

“Thank you.” You mumbled once you were finished and had placed your empty container on the coffee table in front of you, nuzzling further into Spencer’s chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

Didn’t have to tell you twice.

#spencer reid #Spencer Reid fic #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid smut #spencer reid angst #Matthew Gray Gubler #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #mgg #mgg fluff

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stxleslyds · 3 years ago

Text

Robin Jason, a friend and ally of the Titans.

PART 2.

Hi! Welcome to Part 2 of this post, as I said in the last one, I will be talking about Robin Jason’s moments and not reviewing the issues from a story point of view but I think I will have to give a little more context in this one because honestly I am a little lost with this particular storyline, there is too much going on and Jason isn't part of many pages so yeah, I hope this post isn't too boring or bad though.

I will link part 1 Here!

Let’s begin!

· NTT (1884) #26-28

In my last post I talked about how Jason would be called by Donna to help the Titans save Dick and Raven from Brother Blood’s people. We start #26 with Mother Mayhem giving a public speech on television. What you have to get from this is that this cult is using the image of the two Titans/Heroes (Nightwing and Raven) that they captured as propaganda for their intentions, their intentions being resurrecting Brother Blood and making the world believe that they are good people. Obviously, Dick and Raven are not there because they are supportive of their cause, they were both brainwashed.

In this issue the Titans team that had fallen apart in issue #19 is back, so we find Donna, Beast boy, Cyborg, Joey and Wally together once more and they are trying to figure out what to do because they have two problems, on one hand Beast Boy’s father is killing people and captured Garth and on the other a whole ass cult is doing cult-y shit and captured Dick and Raven. In the end they choose to go save Dick and Raven first but they do it because Beast Boy says this “I…don’t know. I can’t say what we should do. We need Dick here…he’s a tactician. We need him as out leader”. Never in my life would I have thought that I would agree with beast boy but yeah…hard agree.

Donna understands that even though the team is (mostly) back on its feet they still need more firepower and that’s why she calls Jason. While it was kinda rude of Cyborg to say that Jason is not all that (in terms of firepower) any kind of tension is quicky gone because Starfire comes back (talk about firepower).

We have various moments of Beast Boy being a perv towards Kory (thanks a lot Marv) but that’s not important, what’s important is that now the Titans have to tell Kory that Dick has been captured and they are on their way to save him.

They all leave to Zandia (where Brother Blood’s Church is located) and a fight ensues as soon as they arrive, they fight but their goal is to get to the Church as fast as possible. Jason doesn’t say anything in these panels but he is fighting alongside the others. When things get a bit more complicated Jason starts to feel that maybe he isn’t that capable of handling himself but he doesn’t have to do anything by himself because this time he has a team that can back him up. Kory gives him a lift as soon as Jason is surrounded, he is of course thankful and a little bit pervy (thanks a lot Marv).

Kory is shot just after she gets him out of trouble and Jason as the adorable kid that he is becomes worried for her well-being. After Beast Boy is also injured in the fight the Titans decide to leave back to camp. Thankfully both Kory and BB are okay but they are all still worried about how they will get to the Church. We see here once more Donna being a bit overwhelmed with leading the Titans and beating herself up over what happened in Switzerland (#20 and #21) but Jason reassures her instantly that she did a good job and she doesn’t need to be so hard on herself.

This interaction here is particularly nice because Jason reassures Donna without her asking for it. In my last post Donna looked for reassurance in Robin several times but she didn’t do it because she actually wanted Jason to give his thoughts, she did it because she was hoping Jason would act like Dick and eventually take over the team’s leadership. Here that isn’t the case, Jason just tells her what he thinks.

After Donna talks about her doubts Kory says that she is impatient and worried about Dick but also expresses being unsure because the last time that she saw Dick they kinda left things off on “bad terms”. I say this because just like it happened with Jason and Roy, Jason and Kory also have differences, she is a grown and experienced woman that is going through adult problems and Jason is a kid that is just happy that he was called to join them on another adventure.

If we back a few panels to when Jason said that Kory “was a sight for sore eyes” Kory responds saying “first Changeling, now you. It’s got to be puberty”, she is obviously not pleased about Jason making that comment about her and it’s also made clear that he is just a teenager.

This is where I rant about how different what we see here is from what we get later in New 52. Just like Roy (in New 52) Kory is also seemingly very close or the same age as Jason and she is the one that is written as wanting to take Jason to bed or, at the very least, attracted to him. Kory being an adult in comparison with Jason is taken away from her and she is just transformed into something to fit Jason’s new beginning as the Red Hood. Lobdell didn’t do Kory any favours, he annihilated her character and made her out to be just eye candy that can come off as stupid and way too reckless just to prop Jason up, believe it or not Jason sometimes was the voice of reason to both Roy and Kory’s antics.

It’s even worse when you consider the fact that in this issue Kory is feeling better and more confident because she finally understands what she wants and has accepted Earth as her real home, all of that is gone in New 52, Kory is lost, insecure, she even depends on Jason a bit too much at the start (because she “didn’t remember” her time on earth or Dick) and goes back to killing. All in all, Lobdell’s version of Kory was very damaging and a disservice to her past history.

Back to the issue, as Donna and the others are going to start coming up with a plan (with only two days until resurrection day) we move scenes and find ourselves in a meeting where people are complaining about the Titans messing up their plans, but that is not what matters, apparently the people in that meeting wanted to “summon the Brotherhood” and here is where we are introduced to the person who will make the Titans’ lives a little more complicated…Twister. She is one of the people that were victims to Brother Blood’s brainwashing and experiments.

In the next page we see the Titans resting but Cyborg is awake so thanks to that he hears someone coming straight to them, here Kory takes the lead and she says once more that she will not kill whoever that is, that she can’t and won’t do that anymore…I wonder if Lobdell ever read these issues, maybe not.

The attacker was Twister and in seconds she twists the Titans’ reality and leaves them all incapacitated. She then goes to look for and recruit the Brotherhood of Evil. While she did that though the Titans slowly made their way back to the city and are now getting ready to attack. Donnas plans as we soon find out don’t include Jason as one of their front line fighters, in fact he has to be left behind as back up.

Jason is not very happy about this; he is the boy wonder! But because it’s the plan and the Titans are experienced, he decided to stay put (at least for now). Its funny to me that even Beast Boy calls Jason a kid. What is sad from these panels is obviously the last thing that Jason says “I can’t wait until I am sixteen!”. I mean, this issue came out exactly two years before Jason’s death, there was no way they could have seen that coming but yeah, it’s just sad. Jason really was in a better and happier place around this time, little did he know everything would turn upside down after a while.

The rest of the Titans fight, Donna starts to feel like she is finally in control and that she is doing a great job at keeping the Titans together, Kory is having her inner turmoil about Dick but she is doing her job and when she decides to go help Cyborg and Joey they come across the Brotherhood of Evil. This is where #26 ends.

Issue #27 starts with a very difficult fight for Kory, Cyborg and Joey, it ends with Kory injured, Joey captured and with Cyborg thrown off a window. The only one of them that Donna, Beast Boy and Jason are able to save is Kory.

The Titans that re left have to retreat and find a place to recover, Jason is very silent all the time but Donna and Kory are the ones that are having interesting talks, they have to find out where the Brotherhood has Joey and Cyborg and their time to save Dick and Raven is running out but if they don’t save the others they might die. It’s a complicated situation and they are both impatient but Donna tells Kory this “Dick would be the first to tell you to plan first, attack later”, I bring this up because nowadays its very common for fanon and current writers to think of Dick as someone that doesn’t plan, that doesn’t think before jumping. Even Beast boy called him a tactician, I know this is a Jason post but its also a post about how characterizations are also kinda destroyed. Dick has suffered a lot from mischaracterization so its nice to go back to these stories and see that what we think Dick should be now isn’t something that we once imagined but something that mas modified or taken away from him either by fanon or current writers.

After the Titans decide to wait for the storm to pass to go looking for Joey and Cyborg, we actually see that Cyborg is in the city looking for shelter, he is injured and as he falls unconscious we meet a couple that decides to save him. Back to the Titans once more we have Jason say that the storm that is forming look “like something out of Ghostbusters” its then that the Brotherhood makes itself known, they are taunting them and they have roped Joey to the top of the capitol building and they are asking the Titans to surrender or Joey dies.

Its here where Donna takes full control of the Titans and even though she and Kory have different ideas of what to do she says that she is the leader now and what she says gets done. Donna will be in charge of saving Joey while the others will make their way towards the Brother Blood Church to help Dick and Raven.

Before they go their separate ways Jason says this about Donna “Wow! I wouldn’t wanna be in her shoes for all the garbage pail kid stickers in the world.” I am going to be honest, I had to look those stickers up and all I have to say is what the hell. But I am not here to talk about stickers I am here to talk about how funny its that Jason is being so uninterested about leading a team. Now, don’t get me wrong, Jason has the ability to lead, yes, but he is better at leading himself or an operation, we have all read UtRH, we know how well the Red Hood can handle himself and his plans but a team of heroes? Controversial opinion but I think that Jason should have never been given a team and I am talking about Kory and Roy as well as Artemis and Bizarro. Was Rebirth better than New 52? Absolutely. But I just don’t see Jason as a leader of a team of heroes and it’s also incredibly repetitive, just because he was Robin doesn’t mean that he needs his own team. I know that Robin Jason and Red Hood Jason aren’t the same person and that they might think differently but if Lobdell had never come into Red Hood/Jason Todd’s life when he did we might have never seen Jason lead his own team and that to me is proof enough that it should have never happened. I quite enjoyed the Prince of Gotham storyline in Red Hood: Outlaw, he didn’t have a team but he had an operation going on and people working FOR him not WITH him. In my opinion that’s better for Jason (if you would like to see me review that storyline let me know).

There is a lot happening story wise and I am finding it more and more difficult to continue talking about Jason’s moments here without giving context so I am going to resume what happened between Donna leaving to save Joey and Jason’s next appearance in this issue. Here we go, Brain tells Monsieur Mallah that he decided to “help” Twister take down the Titans because he wants to use Brother Blood’s Blood Pool because he is dying, Twister goes back to her family’s home and we get to see how brainwashed she is, her family is shocked to see her and they are also the ones that took care of Cyborg while he was unconscious, Cyborg leaves to find the Titans but Twister sees where he left to, she tells the Brotherhood where he might have gone to but protects her family by not telling them that they were the ones that protected Cyborg in the first place and Donna was able to save Joey. I think that was everything.

We see Jason again when he is just outside Brother Blood’s Church with Kory (who is giving him a lift) and Beast Boy. But because life can’t be easy for them the Brotherhood of Evil teleports there and a fight ensues. Kory takes the lead and Jason gets to work.

Kory praises Jason for his work here not because she can’t do anything but because she is seeing that a kid is doing an excellent job. Make no mistake, she is the one with experience but she is nice and gives credit when its due.

Cyborg arrives and the fight continues. We see Beast Boy warning Jason about some of the villains’ powers and Jason being the excellent Robin that he is pays attention and escapes Plasmus’ touch.

I might not think that Red Hood is a team player but Robin Jason absolutely is, and the Titans are nice and care for his safety.

While all of this was happening, Cyborg had made his way to the Church and there he gathers all kinds of information including the location of Brother Bloods main Church in the US. He also makes the alarms sound so everyone leaves because he set up the Church to blow up. Somewhere else Monsieur Mallah is threatening to kill Brain after the later insults him again. And there is where this issue ends.

In issue #28 Jason and the rest of the Titans appear after several pages of Mother Mayhem being a creep, Azrael the angel rising and trying to resurrect Brother Blood through the power of prayers, people watching the live broadcasting of the event and Dick trying to break free from his own head but as soon as he does it Mother Mayhem brainwashes him right away.

The Titans are back in their tower where we see Wally again but that is not all, Frances Kane and Robotman come in too. After all the people who are willing to fight get together the Titans make their way to Brother Bloods Church.

It’s in the jet with Wally that we see Jason and this time he gets to talk too! Jason is talking about how much braver the Titans are compared to him but Wally calms him down by saying that even though he has been doing this for a while he is also scared.

The fact that Jason joined the Titans on another adventure without mentioning it to Bruce is funny to me, he was probably so happy that Donna called him again! Maybe Jason was more bored of being with the Bat than he let on and maybe he didn’t feel appreciated enough or heard. I also like to think that Donna got Jason’s number through Dick, like do you remember that Dick gave Jason his number if he ever wanted to talk shit about the Bat with him? What if they did talk and then Dick put Jason’s number on the Titans’ data base? That would be cool and really sweet!

Jason continues to be a team player and being useful during the fights, he has the Titans’ back as much as the Titans have his.

They fight their way in Brother Blood’s Church and once there they find a dude called the Confessor with Arella (Raven’s mother) but he tells the Titans that she is dead. Somewhere else though is where the real trouble is at, between Azrael and Raven, Brother Blood has finally been resurrected.

It’s in the last page where Brother Blood is looking all mighty and powerful that Dick seems to have broken free from his brainwashing once more.

That’s the end of that issue and this part of the post. This one was super difficult to write and it’s even longer than part one, I hope I didn’t make it super difficult to read. At some points I felt like I was explaining too much and in others too little. I guess it’s very difficult to show how one character participates in a story without giving context but I just didn’t want this post to be too plot heavy.

These issues had some cool Jason moments but the ones in issues #29 to #31 are even better!

#jason todd #teen titans #titans #new teen titans #starfire #kory #donna troy #dick grayson #nightwing #brother blood #dc comics #robin jason todd #wally west #red hood

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 4 years ago

Text

Into The Woods

Warnings: noncon sexual acts; vaginal, anal.

This is dark!Lumberjack!Bucky and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You’re sent to make a delivery to the man in the woods.

Note: This is for @imanuglywombat and @nellblazer‘s Lumberjack Challenge. I couldn’t see if they were accepting dark fics so if they aren’t, I guess it’s just another fic lol. But anyways, the challenge inspired me.

Thank you. Love you guys!

As always, if you can, please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

“You sure Dezy isn’t going to make it?” You asked as you helped Gerry load the crate onto the trailer.

“I’m sorry, I got all the other deliveries sent out with Milo but this one’s too far for him.” Gerry grunted as he closed the back of the open-top trailer. “I don’t know what’s gotten into Dezy. Second day in a row and yet I hear he’s down at the Horse every night.”

“Well, he’ll run out of beer money sooner than later,” You sighed as you pulled on your gloves. The air was starting to bite as the brief autumn was turning. “You sure you can manage without me?”

“Slow day in the shop,” He shrugged. “You just be careful.”

“Alright. I’ll do my best.” You climbed up onto the four-wheeler and fumbled with the thick key with the grizzly bear charm attached to it. “Maybe next time give me the easy ones.”

“I’ll tack an hour of overtime on your pay, how about that?” He chuckled. “You need to get out anyway. I know this place is small but you can’t spend all your time reading those harlequins in the dry good section.”

“They’re not harlequins,” You turned the engine and raised your voice as you gripped the handlebars. “They’re fantasy, Ger.”

“Sure, sure,” He backed away. “You go or you won’t make it back by sundown.”

“Never far off these days,” You mused as you revved. “See ya, Gerry. Don’t forget to down stock the fishing wire.”

“Which one of us is the boss?” He called after you as you pulled out, the small trailer rumbling behind you.

You turned off at the end of the street, past the business fronts that looked like cabins. The town looked straight out of Western but with more snow. The first of the annual powder had yet to fall but you could feel it coming. You headed over the lumpy tundra past the sparse trees that grew thicker the further you got. The paths turned narrower and you steered slowly through the damp forest.

You only went so far out when your uncle took you ice fishing and rarely in this direction. You slowed as the path grew more uneven, carefully traversing the thick roots and deep valleys. The noise of the engine bounced off the trunks of trees around you. It was more than an hour before you reached your destination. At least, you thought you were in the right place. Weren’t too many cabins hidden in these trees; well not many still inhabited.

You pulled into the clearing and killed the engine. You hopped off the ATV and stretched your legs, your thighs tingled from the rumble. You went to the trailer and open the door and slid out the heavy trunk. You braced yourself before you lifted and gave a grunt. You’d packed the load yourself. You carried it past the old motorcycle and the neat stack of wood which marched the way to the broad front porch. You slowly ascended the three steps up and set down the heavy crate beside the door.

A bench made of logs, likely by hand, stood just a few feet from the front door, a woven blanket folded over the seat. The curtains were drawn within and you started to wonder if there was anyone there or if this was just another forgotten scene. It all seemed so eerily still.

You knocked and waited for an answer. Nothing. You tried again with the same result. Then, after a cold silence, you heard a door open and snap shut but it wasn’t the one before you. You turned as a man appeared beside the far corner of the porch. He appeared disturbed by your presence as he emerged from the old shed, his flannel jacket marked with patches of dirt and his dark hair poking out from beneath a woolen cap.

“He usually just leaves it there,” He clapped his gloved hands together as he brushed away the filth. “Thanks.”

“Uh, sorry,” You turned and ambled down the steps. “I didn’t realise.”

“Don’t be sorry,” He stayed near the corner, kicking his foot up onto the stump where an ax waited to be used. “Better get going before the sun beats you.”

“Sure,” You went back to the four wheeler. His eyes bore into you as you climbed up. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I just--”

“Thanks,” He said again. “Driving out here all this way. Appreciate it.”

“No problem,” You turned the key. “Have a good day, sir.”

The engine roared to life and you carefully turned around, the empty trailer clattering behind you. You couldn’t help but feel him watching you still. You wanted to look back, but didn’t. You twisted the throttle and delved back through the treeline. You hoped Dezy would get his shit together, you weren’t keen on doing deliveries.

🪓

The next day, you were back to your usual fare. You stood at the long counter of Elk’s General, watching the locals as they wandered in and out, perusing the aisles of groceries, clothing, or novelty goods. You rung them through on the outdated till and smiled after them as they left with their paper bags.

The usual midday lull came and you pressed flat your latest read on the counter. You crossed your arms over the edge and bent over the pages, losing yourself in the fantastical medieval setting. Gerry didn’t mind so much as you kept an eye on customers.

The rusty bell above the entrance tinkled and you looked up suddenly. You turned your book over before you could lose your place. You stood up straight and smiled at your newest customer but froze as his eyes met yours. It was the man from the day before, to whom you had delivered the weeks worth of goods.

He ignored your usual greeting and marched over to you. He planted the bill for his delivery on the counter.

“I ordered six cans of maple beans. I have only four.” He said plainly.

“An oversight. I’m sorry, sir. Just a moment.” You gulped and flitted off to check the shelf. There were only the tomato beans in stock. You went to the back room and checked there. Nothing. You returned to the counter. “Looks like we’re all out but I’ll make a note to have them delivered when we get more. Or we can remove the charge from your bill.”

“Keep ‘em on,” He said as he reached into his pocket. “I can wait.” He unfolded the worn leather wallet. “I have to pay my account anyway.”

“Sure,” You reached to slid his bill closer and keyed the amount into the machine. “You could have called--”

“I don’t have a phone,” He growled as he counted out the bills. “I don’t like to be disturbed.”

You took the money and counted it. You avoided his gaze guiltily. You sorted the bills in the cash door and handed him his change. His gloves brushed your skin and he tucked the money away with his wallet.

“Good book?” He pointed to the novel.

“Alright, so far,” You answered quietly.

“I read his other one. The one set in Ancient Egypt. It was… interesting. Not my usual reading material though.” He tapped his fingers on the counter. “You have a good day, miss.”

He turned and left you as you returned his farewell. The door snapped shut behind him and you looked back down at the book. You opened the front page and read the list of works by the same author. You’d have to look into them.

🪓

Several days late, you were helping Gerry restock shelves with the newly acquired truck. The night before, you’d helped unload it and left it for the next day to sort through. Dezy sat behind the counter, half-keeled over on the stool, trying not to puke into his hands.

“Damn shit is hungover again,” Gerry muttered. “I got a whole list of deliveries today and he can’t even stand straight.”

“I can do it,” You offered. “Long as he can manage the till.”

“I don’t know if I even trust him to do that,” Gerry said. “You sure you wanna do the deliveries?”

“We got any of the maple beans on the truck?” You asked.

“A good amount.” He said.

“We owe two cans to-- well, I didn’t get his name. The man who lives way up in the trees.” You frowned, only then realising you new nothing about him. In that town, everyone knew everyone.

“Mr. Barnes?” Gerry reached over into the box and moved around several items before pulling out a can. “Quiet man. Doesn’t like to be bothered. Must’ve scared Dezy good to get him to shut up.” He took out two more cans. “If you’re willing to head up that way, you give him and extra can on me. He’s the only customer in town who pays on time.”

“Sure,” You stood, thankful not to be forced to kneel all day at the shelves. “The list?”

“Pinned up behind the counter as usual,” He caught a box of Corn Pops he hit with his elbow and swore. “Take a radio. Snow’s comin’.”

“Will do,” You said. “I should be that long.”

“Chill blowin’ in from the lake, bundle up before you go too.” He said.

“You sound like my mother.” You laughed.

“I feel like you’re mother,” He shook his head. “Now go, before I get sentimental.”

🪓

Gerry was right, it was cold. The four-wheeler seemed slower as the wind swirled around you. You stopped by each house and knocked before leaving your haul. You smiled away tips and bid each resident a good day before you rushed away under the protests of another delivery ahead of you.

Your last would take the longest, though it was the smallest. The tree cans rattled around the trailer so you stopped at the shop before you continued on and detached it. You placed the cans in a small box and secured it to the seat behind you with bungee cords. You fixed your gloves and pulled your cap over your ears before you set out once more.

The sky grew paler the later it got. A harbinger of snow. You took the same route as before, getting off once to push the ATV over a fallen branch caught beneath it. You carried on, the frigid air lashing your cheeks.

You drew up to the clearing as you had before. The motorcycle was gone, likely pushed into the shed in preparation for the first snowfall. The piles of wood had grown taller and the front door was open, the screen door a poor barrier to the looming winter.

You unhooked the box and climbed up the steps. You bent to set it down and be off. You looked up as you sensed something on the other side of the screen door. The man, Mr. Barnes, stared at you through the mesh, a mug in hand. You stood and smiled nervously.

“Your beans. An extra can for the inconvenience.” You said. “Have a good day, sir.”

You turned but caught yourself before you made it down one step as he spoke.

“It’s pretty cold.” He remarked as he took the box in his free hand. “You like coffee? I just made a pot.”

“I appreciate it,” You turned to him. “But I don’t mean to impose on you.”

“I wouldn’t ask if you were,” He said stiffly. “I’d feel worse letting half a pot go to waste.”

“I don’t know, I should--” You glanced behind you at the trees.

“You came all this way to give me beans in this,” He held the door with his elbow and stepped through. “You don’t like coffee, I got tea.”

You took a breath as you looked back to him. “Sure. I’ll have some coffee.”

He nodded and stared at you. He blinked and moved to hold the door open. “Well, you wanna come inside? Or do you prefer your coffee frozen?”

“Uh, yeah, okay,” You kicked yourself and stopped right before the door. You smiled awkwardly and offered your name. “I just… figured you wouldn’t want a stranger in your home.”

“Bucky,” He returned and waved you inside. “Not many strangers in town. Not really.”

You entered and he followed you. The entryway was lit by an antique lamp and the front room was entirely dark. You knelt to unlace your boots as he stepped around you. You kept your coat on as the wind continued to seep in behind you.

“Kitchens just down the hall past the stairs,” He said as he continued across the wooden floor.

“Okay,” You slid your boots off and stood, following his shadow to the kitchen.

As you passed through the doorway, he placed his mug on the table and went to the cupboard. He took down another thick ceramic cup and sidled over to the stove. He filled it from the percolator and returned to the table to place it before you.

“Milk? Sugar?”

“I’m fine, black is good,” You accepted as he slid the cup over to you.

You sat, hesitantly, and removed your gloves. You tucked them in your pocket and wrapped your hands around the steaming cup. He pulled out another chair and sat. He looked into the mug and slowly drank from it.

“I didn’t know anyone still lived out here.” You said.

“Sometimes,” He answered carefully. “Spring and summer I spend working the lumberyards south of here.”

“And you live all the way up here?” You wondered. He gave you a sharp look. “Sorry, it’s just… curiosity.”

“I like it,” He shrugged. “It’s quiet.”

You nodded and resigned yourself to silence. You listened to the wind outside and looked around at the tidy kitchen. Most of the original structure remained, renovated but not replaced. Even the curtains seemed to be of another era; faded but without holes or tears. All the way up here, time always seemed to stand still.

“You finish your book?” His voice jolted you.

You looked back to him and sipped the hot coffee. You nodded again.

“I did.” You answered. “It was alright.”

“Just alright?” He asked.

“I’ve read better and worse,” You said. “It was… entertaining.”

“Mmm,” He mumbled and drank his coffee. You mimicked him, eager to leave.

Ten minutes of silence and stunted small talk left your mug empty and your stomach gurgling. You stood and nervously teetered on your feet.

“I should go. It’s snowing already.” You glanced out the window.

“Sure,” He rose and gathered up the mugs and took them to the sink.

“Thank you.” You said and turned rigidly to head through the door.

You trod down the hallway and stopped to pull on your boots. You adjusted your cap and shoved your gloves on. He neared and you pushed open the door and glanced back at him.

“Coffee was good.” You said.

He caught the door behind you and you marched across the porch. You rushed down the steps and shivered as you neared the four wheeler.

“Be careful,” He said in monotone.

“I will, thank you,” You called back as you climb onto the seat. “Enjoy your beans.”

He waved and you turned the engine. You backed up and turned around. The snow had already left a thin powder across the ground. You steered into the trees and carefully began to weave around the trunks and along the uneven forest floor.

The snow thickened the more it fell. You had to slow as the ride became more precarious. The downfall formed a thick carpet beneath the tires and soon, even beneath the shroud of branches, the snow formed a curtain all around you, making it nearly impossible to see. You stopped and left the motor rumbling.

You pulled the radio from its holster down beside the wheel well and turned the dial until you picked up the signal. It was static and crackled.

“Gerry? Gerry!” You held the speak to your lips. “Gerry?”

“Yeah, i--me, ---okay?” His voice went in and out.

“I’m okay but the snow is… I can’t see. It’s going to take me a while.”

“Wha-- breaking up--” The radio broke off with a high pitched scratch.

“Damn it!” You shouted and tried fixing the dial. It didn’t help.

You sat for a moment and put the radio back. You couldn’t stay and let yourself get snowed in. You’d have to keep going, slow but steady. You carefully pulled past the trees, blinking away the flakes as they gathered on your lashes. You stopped again to pulled your scarf higher over your cheeks and pressed on.

The third time you paused, you realised you were lost. A brief lull allowed your vision to clear and you had no idea where you were. You kicked the side of the ATV and cursed. You grabbed the radio again and turned it on.

“Gerry?” No answer. Several more tries with nothing but static.

You hung your head and clicked the radio off. You gripped the handlebars and looked around. You’d have to turn around and try to trace your way back but the snow was starting to get heavy again and--

“Hey,” You jumped as the voice sounded from behind you. “You okay?”

You turned to find Bucky standing by a tree. “How--”

“Looks like you just went in a big circle,” He said. “You’re about ten minutes from my place.”

“What are you doing out here?” You asked.

“Wanted to grab some kindling before the storm got too bad, then I heard you.”

“Kindling?”

“Dry it out, obviously, but might run out of what I have before this clears,” He looked up. “Look, it’s only gonna get worse. Why don’t you wait it out?”

“I don’t-- I can’t--”

“There’s more than enough room for both of us. Might be a bit dusty but… Wouldn’t feel right letting you get lost out here.”

You exhaled and looked at the radio.

“Alright,” You relented.

“I’ll lead the way.” He came up beside the ATV and passed to the front. “Just don’t get too close.”

“Okay,” You turned the throttle just a bit and kept a snail’s pace as he guided you.

He barely seemed bothered by the gusts or the deepening snow. Even as the air turned almost completely white, he didn’t waver though you squinted to keep an eye on him.

“You like beans?” He yelled back to you as he broke through to the clearing around his house.

“Maple beans?” You asked dryly.

“They go great with toast,” He said as he continued onto the shed and unlocked the wide doors. “Warm you right up.”

🪓

You sat at the table, alone. Bucky had excused himself after clearing his own plates. You still picked away at the beans and sausage, listening to the movement above. You scooped the last few bites up and swallowed, washing it down with a gulp of water. You stood and went to the sink to rinse your plate. As you set it in the rack, you were startled by a creak behind you.

“I cleared a bedroom for you. It’s a bit dusty around here.” Bucky said as he leaned against the door frame. “Bit cold, too. Sorry about that.”

“It’s alright,” The windows shuddered. “Better than out there.”

“I put some clothes out too. Might be a little big.” He explained. “Dinner okay?”

“Yeah, it was…” You tried to smile. “Alright. Um, just one second.”

You neared him and he moved aside. You went down the hallway to where your jacket was hung and pulled the radio out. He watched you as you fiddled with it and the speaker crackled on.

“Gerry?” You held it to your lips.

“Kiddo?” He said, clear but not entirely.

“I’m okay,” You said slowly as you held the button down. “Staying until storm clears. Call in morning.”

“Roger, kiddo,” He returned. “Be safe.”

You turned off the radio and placed it back in your coat pocket. You looked up at Bucky as he stared at you dully.

“Just wanted to make sure someone knew,” You said. “Wouldn’t want them to worry.”

“Of course not,” He said. “You want a beer?”

“What?” You were thrown off by the sudden offer.

“Beer. If you want you can grab a book from the study,” He pointed to the doorway opposite the front room. “Sit in front of the fire where it’s warm.”

“I’ll take the book,” You said. “I’m not much for beer though.”

“Hot chocolate? Tea?” He stepped a little closer.

“I’m fine,” You squirmed. “Thank you.”

‘Just let me know if you need anything,” He said softly. “Haven’t had a guest in a while but… I can be accommodating.”

🪓

You read three chapters before you found your way upstairs. Bucky showed you the room he’d prepared for you but didn’t say much more before he closed himself into his own. You changed into the long sleeve tee he left you and the jogging pants with the drawstring waist. You tucked your feet into the wool socks and rolled under the blankets. You were still cold. The top floor was entirely untouched by the fireplace below.

You drifted into a shallow sleep. Maybe an hour or two before you woke, shivering. You sat up and reluctantly climbed out from beneath the covers. You took one of the blankets and wrapped it around you as you shuffled to the door. You slipped through, carefully not to let the hinges whine and plodded through the dark down the stairs.

In the front room, the fire burned a low amber. You crept over to it and took a log from the wrought iron basket just beside it. You placed it over the coals and stoked it with the poker until flames began to lick. You held your hands to the glow until you were no longer shaking.

You took a cushion from the couch and dropped it on the carpet. You laid down before the fire, wrapping yourself in the blanket as you basked in the warmth. You listened to the violent winds outside, softened by the heaps of snow which had gathered all around the cabin. Your eyes closed as you began to sink into the darkness around you.

You dreamt of the four wheeler, of the snow swirling around you, of losing yourself in the pure white. The trees curled and clawed at your as you were thrown from the seat. The snap of twigs filled your ears and your eyes snapped open. The fire popped as it burned, the room lighter but not much.

There was a heaviness around you. More than just the quilt, the thick arm wrapped around your middle held you close to the warmth at your back. Startled, you wriggled against the body and a groan slithered along your ear.

“What the--” You hissed as you grasped his wrist, his hand tucked beneath you. “What are you doing?”

“It’s cold,” His breath was hot as it seeped into your scalp. “You were shivering.”

“Let me go,” You tugged on him.

“Shhh,” He hushed. “It’s early.”

“Dude, not cool,” You pulled harder on his arm.

“Stop,” He said more firmly.

“Get off of me.” You growled.

“You’re not a very gracious guest,” He snarled as he retracted his arm, only to grab your shoulder and push you flat on your back.

You latched onto his wrist, he was strong. He didn’t budge.

“You’re scaring me.”

“Scaring you?” He removed his hand. “How? What do you think I’m gonna do?”

He sat up, his broad shoulder stretched the waffled shirt he wore as he rubbed his eyes. He pushed his head back and took a deep breath. You pushed yourself up slowly beside him.

“What do you want me to do?” His hand settled on your thigh and he squeezed.

“Stop,” You tried to push his hand away and he flipped it to grasp yours.

His grip slipped to your wrist and he twisted. He wrenched it over your head until you were forced onto your back. You cried out as he leaned over you, the blanket slipping entirely from your bodies.

“Came all this way for a few cans of beans,” He whispered. “Really?”

“Stop!” You repeated. “Please.”

“But you’re cold,” He uttered as he leaned closer. “You need to warm up… you’re shivering…” His nose touched yours. “Or… shaking?”

“Get--” His lips smothered yours as he shifted his body atop you.

You struggled as he released your wrist and reached down to grab your knee as he forced his legs between yours. He bit your lip as he pulled and his hand clawed at the waist of the loose pants. He pulled until he snapped the string within and you kicked around him.

“What are you doing?” You beat on his shoulders. “Stop! Stop!”

“I don’t talk to people, they don’t talk to me,” He snarled. “I keep to myself. Even that dumb delivery boy of yours knows better.”

“No, no,” You slapped his chest as he sat up suddenly.

He tore the pants down your legs until they were around your knees and pushed them up. The fabric kept you trapped beneath him, legs bent to your chest as he leaned over your once more. He brushed his nose against your cheek and snarled.

“You asked for this, honey,” He sneered. “You just couldn’t leave me alone… The way you smile at me, I can see it.”

“I was just--” You pushed against him. “--doing my job. Please, get off of me.”

He moved against you, his thighs pressed to yours as he felt between you. He pushed his own pants down and you tried to shove him off of you with your legs. You only made yourself dizzy.

The fire flickered against you, setting shadows across his features, his blue eyes caught the flame and glowed sinisterly. His rough finger tickled your cunt as he guided his cock along your folds. You grunted as you fought harder beneath him. He pressed along your entrance and you gasped, a horrified scream as he impaled you in a single thrust.

“Go on and scream.” He said. “No one will hear you. No one but me.” He jerked his hips and you cried out again. “I kinda like it.”

He moved his hips in sharp, short thrusts. He grunted with each, lower and lower, almost like satisfied purrs.

He sat up and hugged your legs to his torso as he rutted faster. He clung to you as if he was desperate, as if he couldn’t get enough. You scratched at the carpet. You whimpered each time he slammed into you, each tilt of his hips harder than the last. The clapping of your flesh mingled with your voices. You closed your eyes, holding back the sobs that threatened.

And then he stopped. Suddenly. He stayed inside of you as his grasp on you loosened. His body quivered and a low growl rose from him. He pulled out of you and pushed your legs aside to that you fell onto your side. Shakily, you pushed yourself, on knees and elbow you tried to crawl away, your pants tangled around your feet.

He grabbed your ankles and dragged you back as you slipped onto your stomach. He climbed over you, pinning your legs between his. He kneaded and pinched your ass, dusky, thick breaths rose from him.

He pressed his thumb between your cheeks and you reached desperately for anything to get away. The edge of the carpet rolled in your grasp and you kicked your feet with a panicked whine. He pressed his thumb against your asshole and you shook your head as he buried your face in your arms. He pushed inside and you let out a shrill cry.

He poked in and out of you, your tight ring burned around his thumb. He withdrew it and forced his index finger in, then added his middle. Your pained groans only seemed to encourage him as he stretched you around a third finger.

He pulled his hand away and bent his arm over your shoulders as he lifted himself over you. He lined himself up with your ass as his hair hung around his head and brushed the back of yours. He took a breath and you held one in. He entered you slowly, letting out a choked grunt as you strained around him.

The tears pricked at your eyes and your arm shot up as you blind grabbed at air.

“Please, please, please. Stop.” You begged. “I can’t--”

He pushed deeper and your voice fizzled. He pulled back and thrust in again. Every time, he went a little further. Soon he was buried in you to his limit and you couldn’t breathe or move. He held himself inside of you and shuddered.

He began to rock and you moaned. Despite the pain, the fire that radiated from your core, it felt good. The more he did, the better it got. The pressure built, unlike any you’d felt before, and you gulped and groaned against the carpet. Shocked by him, by yourself.

He got faster and faster. Louder two as his snarls filled your head. You tensed and then in an instant, your strength drained from you. You came, harder than you had ever in your life. You murmured as your head lolled and he kept going.

He lifted his head and his fingers gripped the back of your neck as he lifted himself over you. He hammered into you from above as you lay prone and helpless beneath him. He exclaimed and you felt a warmth flow into you.

He stopped and fell atop you. His weight held you down, suffocated you. His arm stretched up and he grabbed your hand, twining his fingers with yours.

“Stay as long as you like,” He rasped. “Snow’s not letting up anytme soon.”

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