#but then they are meant with several post about how i want to kill myself

[onlyzizi]

i swear i’m normal.

[toonfinatic]

🙄

[lu-is-not-ok]

So, Jia Xichun has Gloom for Skill 1, Gluttony for Skill 2 and Envy for Skill 3. What the hell does that mean.

So I wasn't initially going to make a full on analysis, as I don't want to burn myself out on Sin Analyses all over again... But then I thought about it. And thought about it some more... and oh, girl... Oh dear... Oh honey...

So yeah we're doing this

Gloom S1: Gloom as a Sin is associated with negative emotions, dwelling on the past, sinking into despair, and self-destruction. The two Sinners we have with a Gloom S1 - Yi Sang and Gregor - are both people who get easily thrown into reminiscing about their past by seemingly minor happenings, especially Gregor who's quite literally got PTSD.

The easiest way to read this is as a reflection of Xichun's trauma with the Jia Family, and the anxiety she's developed because of it. She's shown to be extremely concerned with building a faction, likely something required of her as one of the candidates for the Family Head, and for a brief moment she even suspects Hong Lu of potentially trying to kill her if she joins up with him, even though Wei points out that Hong Lu is different to the rest of her siblings.

There's also something else I've noticed in the few lines Xichun gets thus far in this Canto - the way she reminisces about her home and past. Unlike Hong Lu, who brings up anecdotes of his life seemingly to try and lighten the mood, unaware that they sound fucking insane to any normal listener, Xichun is very very aware of them being bad memories. And the moments she's pushed into reminiscing seem... very interesting.

The first time is when she manages to shut Hong Lu up and make him stop bothering her by telling him not to embarrass her (which is a line that makes me insane for a completely different reason unrelated to this post), causing her to reminisce and compare Hong Lu's current state to how he was the last time they met.

The second time is when she's failing to extract any useful info from the Priest, comparing the state he's in to the state people tortured by the Jia Family would be reduced to (one of those people likely being Hong Lu himself, judging by his completely silent reaction).

Compare this to the one time Hong Lu reminisces about something towards Xichun. He compares their current predicament, of only temporarily working together, to a truce made over some snacks. He understands what she's saying, he's just either refusing or straight up unable to comprehend the severity of what she's saying. You can tell if she were the one reminiscing here it would be a much darker memory than this.

So.

Xichun is a young woman who was left full of anxiety after having to live in the Jia Household, this anxiety only being made worse by the rivalry she's forced into against her siblings due to circumstances outside of her control.

This anxiety is likely the main cause for her hostility, which acts as her defense mechanism to push people who could harm her away from her, though in the process she ends up sabotaging herself by trying to push away the people who genuinely want to help her, like Hong Lu.

She's a deeply traumatized person, who gets reminded of her family's abuse whenever she sees people around her act in a similar way to the victims of the Jia Family.

That's what I believe her Gloom S1 is meant to reflect.

Gluttony S2: Gluttony as a Sin is associated with hunger, desire, inability to feel satisfied, and in certain cases survival. The two Sinners who have a Gluttony S2 - Gregor and Ishmael - are both heavily tied to survival, being the main focus of the "Survival is a Sin" scene in Canto 1 with Yuri. At the same time though, the object of their Gluttony differs - for Gregor, it's normalcy, a desire to escape the nightmare he lives in, one which he can't reach due to the scars left in him by the Smoke War; for Ishmael, it's finding Ahab, a desire that turns into an obsession with killing a survivor in an act of revenge, one if she were to fulfill would leave her empty and with no other reason to keep on living.

Xichun herself seems to continue the trend of Gluttony being tied to survival, as a lot of how she treats others can be very easily tied into her trying to avoid being picked off by her Family. The main object of desire in Xichun's case appears to be Power.

The first thing Xichun notices and mentions upon seeing Hong Lu is his lack of a well-built faction, and from the way her own posse is described, it seems she herself took the time and effort to build a group that is more than capable of both protecting her and dealing serious harm. She appears to care a lot about the Power numbers give her, especially with how she describes the methods her siblings would use to kill her.

It's not that Yuanchun or her other siblings would personally come after her, no, their Power, and by extention her own, come from the people who surround the siblings. The lackeys, the minions, the faction.

There is also... something else Xichun is searching for in La Manchaland, something that I believe ties back into this desire of hers. Xichun's sole reason for coming all this way is her search for a specific piece of information, and considering her reaction to the story being told by Sansón, it's not impossible for that info to be related to the Rivers of the deep.

...This is where I have to do a bit of speculation, as the Rivers are a part of PM's world we still don't know much about.

Here's what we know for sure about the Rivers:

At least some of them are analogous to the Rivers of Hades, as the River of Oblivion shares the name with one of them, Lethe.

2. The Rivers seem to primarily possess powers that directly influence one's consciousness, whether it be giving one visions of the future that drive them into madness, or completely oblivionize one's identity.

3. Considering the above use of 'well' as a synonym for the Rivers, it's very possible they're Heavily Connected to the Well LobCorp would draw from using Cogito.

So. We don't really know the reason for Xichun to be searching for info on the Rivers. However, from what little we know of what they might be able to do, it's not unlikely her goal is to try and use their Power in some way. It would fit with what we know of her so far, and while our own knowlege is limited, the fact that one of those Rivers was LobCorp's Well shows that when harnessed, they can be incredibly Powerful resources indeed.

So.

Xichun is a person who has been put in a situation where her primary concern is her own survival, as she's put in constant danger by her Family. This has likely led to her developing an unsatiable desire for some form of Power.

This desire primarily manifests itself through Xichun's concern with surrounding herself with powerful people and building her own faction, as it's clear the biggest threat her fellow siblings pose to her is through their own lackeys. Her experience would have clearly taught her that's what being Powerful is all about.

However, due to the nature of this desire as something that cannot be satisfied, a faction is not enough for Xichun. While this is my speculation, I believe this same desire for Power is exactly why Xichun is searching for information on the Rivers within La Manchaland, likely believing that the Power they have would be a highly valuable resource to her.

That's what I believe her Gluttony S2 is meant to reflect.

Envy S3: Envy as a Sin is associated with a sense of inferiority, lack of control and free will, jealousy, and attempts to copy others. The one Sinner with an Envy S3 - Sinclair - is shown to be deeply insecure and easily manipulated into acting a certain way by people who show him attention. He's implied to covet the aura and the kind of presence Demian carries with him, and his fears and feelings of inferiority are the flaw he struggles with the most visibly.

Xichun, at her core, is a deeply insecure person. One of the first things she says about herself is expressing the opinion that she's nowhere close to the level her older siblings are at. She's someone who tries to do what they do, coveting the Power and status they hold, but is unable to match them in her own eyes.

And then. There's this line.

Xichun considers herself to be So below her other siblings, that she sees herself as such a non-threatening figure that there's a chance her siblings would straight up ignore her in their rivalries. This line, I think, exemplifies just how deep and pervasive Xichun's Envy is.

There's also this moment, again further showing her lack of confidence, immediately putting herself down and claiming her prediction is probably wrong the moment she's asked to share it.

So.

Xichun feels a deep sense of inferiority, often comparing herself to her siblings and feeling jealous of their own Power and status. She feels self-conscious about her own lack of those things compared to her Family, to the point where she considers herself completely irrelevant at points of notable weakness.

It's very likely that everything Xichun does stems from that feeling of not being the one in control of the situation, of being so weak that her siblings would feel she's not worth the effort. She needs Power, she needs to be on the same level as her other siblings, because without it, she's considered nothing.

Perhaps it's part of what infuriates her about Hong Lu's behavior. We've seen he's extremely self-sacrificial, willing to just lay down and accept pain simply because he knows why other people would want to inflict that on him. He's someone who seems to put himself in a position of weakness willingly. Of course Xichun would hate seeing that, as someone who doesn't have the choice not to be in a similar position herself.

That's what I believe her Envy S3 is meant to reflect.

I love her. I'm so scared for her.

It makes me wonder if the choice to give her white bits in her hair is meant to invoke the idea of someone's hair turning white prematurely from stress. After all, if there's anyone in the Jia Family who would be stressed to the point of that happening, it would be the one who considers herself the weakest out of all of them...

[geopsych]

re: the tumblr ai stuff, please don’t wipe your blog!! your blog has been so important to me and many others as a place of authentic light and beauty and i would hate to lose it forever 💕

there is a way to download the contents of a tumblr blog (it’s in settings, i don’t remember rn, but i’ll find it if you need it) maybe you could upload to another site or a personal site?

i know this is very serious, and i hate how we are unwillingly contributing to synthetic art, but the world would be poorer for me without your pictures <3

Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me.

This is a dilemma for me. I have loved doing this blog and going out to look for pictures and interesting things to bring here has given me motivation and meaning through years of struggle with depression and several kinds of grief. Going out to look for pictures has put me in situations where I have seen incredible beauty, much of which I never really managed to capture. Also, the many warm and kind messages I've received from people all over the world have given me heart and made me feel less meaningless as a person and more connected. Sometimes I've been criticized for buying the checkmarks and giving money to Tumblr but I wanted to do what I could because Tumblr has been my one happy and safe place online. But now this. To me AI in relation to creativity is just a way for well-to-do but untalented people, the proverbial tech bros, to profit from other people's hard work and creativity. It has no redeeming value in relation to creativity and is actively harmful to artists of all kinds. <trying to figure out how to put a read more link here> I don't even count myself among the real creatives, artists and writers and others who have worked hard and put years into honing their crafts, into learning to translate their hearts and unique spirits into their creative expression. I just see beautiful things and take pictures of them. But it would still make me sick to see AI works based on my pictures, on these times and places that have meant so much to me. Recently I saw a set of cat 'photos' on here that everyone was reblogging and exclaiming over but that to me seemed to just be AI art that was more convincing than most. As time goes on more and more output of AI is going to be almost indistinguishable from real works and unscrupulous people will pass them off as real, getting credit for what was actually created by others. Whether they profit from them becomes almost irrelevant at that point because what's worse is that we will have less and less sense of what is real. And as some have pointed out AI will now also be scraping from AI, muddying the waters further from here on in. This is an apocalypse of sorts, an apocalypse of creativity, ultimately likely to kill the joy of artistic endeavor for many who would otherwise produced brilliant, beautiful, funny, and/or shockingly original things. I'm still parsing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings about what Tumblr has done and how to react. Staying and leaving my blog up feels like consent. I am not confident in the integrity of anyone connected with scraping sites for AI. I'm not convinced that a little toggle in settings is going to make much of a difference in the long run. On the other hand I like posting here and I have received enough messages over the years to know that my blog is a positive influence on some lives. I was looking forward to May and June and posting pictures of the incredible beauty of eastern Pennsylvania in those months. And I was planning on making a side blog for posting some poetry I've been working on. It will break my heart to leave.

I haven't decided yet. Believe it or not this whole thing has given me awful physical symptoms. I'll let you know when I decide. Thank you again for your kind and lovely note!

[kedreeva]

Hi! I have a small farm but your posts have made me consider adding some peafowl. I've had guineafowl and chickens but god would i love peafowl. I also saw your posts with your hand raised peahen in the house, and I was wondering if she's actually litter trained? I have some bottle babies but have transferred them all out to typical barn/pasture existence, but if I could litter train a peafowl for (partial) indoor existence that would be glorious

As I have said many many times before and will likely say many many times again, you do not want a permanent house peafowl, I promise you. Bug was indoors with me because a) I have over a decade of experience with these birds, b) I did a sex linked breeding so I KNEW that she was a girl from the second she hatched c) I didn't particularly want to hand raise her, but I also wanted sleep and the birds are brooded in the house and she would not stop screaming d) I knew I was going to be home full time basically 24/7 to raise her without having to leave her on her own for long stretches while I was at work and e) I raised her with the full intention of putting her out when she was old enough to hold her own with the big birds- and that's where she currently lives, outside where she belongs.

They cannot be house/litter trained, the most you can do is diaper them, and they're not big enough for that for a few months and wearing one is always a risk- if they catch a toe from a poorly-fitted or poorly-applied diaper, they are strong enough to break their own legs and/or break their necks/wings struggling to get out.

Unlike standard breed chickens and farm waterfowl, peafowl can fly, like Actually Fly, and they can do so from about day 3 of life. You don't want a 10lb bird throwing itself around your house, because they're not passerines, they can't grasp things with their feet so they will just knock everything you love over in an attempt to find flat ground to stand on wherever they want to be. And they WILL throw temper tantrums when they're not getting their way- when you aren't sharing food, when you aren't going to bed at 6pm in the winter, when you aren't performing their daily schedule right, etc. They're just smart enough to be assholes, and big enough that that's a problem.

On top of that, males that are hand raised become exceedingly aggressive at maturity, to the point where many have been put down because they will relentless hunt and attack humans in their territory, and they have nasty spurs on their legs, and the ability to fly and to jump at least 6 feet up and hardly use their wings, which means they CAN jump and spur you in the face- and unlike chickens, they know where your face is, and will go for it. I've seen several folks with injuries from aggressive boys where the person narrowly escaped losing an eye. I, myself, was clawed over one eye once just from a bird that was eluding capture, and I'm well aware how much more badly that could have gone if she'd meant it rather than just trying to get away from being caught. The hens are (usually, although I've seen an exception) not aggressive, but unless you have the ability to socialize a hand raised hen with other birds, they have a hugely difficult time adapting to living in a flock, and I've heard many others refuse to breed with the males of their own kind. If they can't adapt to socializing with other birds, they can stress hugely when left alone or with other birds, and this can make them prone to illness.

The photos are cute, but this is a 110% "please do not attempt this at home" kind of deal. I've been caring for/learning about peafowl and their care in some way for 20 years and breeding them for the last 15 or so and I can say with my whole chest that you don't need any complications when getting into peafowl. There are already a million things that can go wrong just trying to raise a peafowl in a normal way, people kill the babies so often that a) reputable breeders often refuse to sell before 3 months old so they are well started and hardy and b) at least one Large Scale breeder I know of sells multi-pack day old chicks (the "discards" from his experimental pens) for super cheap because he fully expects them to die so he doesn't have to worry about competition on rare color breeding and can still make a buck.

If you want peafowl, and you have the space and the ability to pen one properly, and access to proper food and vet care, and you've done research on care and behavior, then absolutely go for it, they make great farm animals and they're really easy to befriend as subadults and even as adults and some birds are even super chill and will come right up and say hi (like Eris, whom I took home from another breeder because I visited and she just walked up and started inspecting me for treats like a chicken). But they do not make great indoor pets, even partially as adults.

[g0giro]

PLEASE READ THIS!!! NEOPENTANE5 TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF AFTER I TALKED ABOUT THAT SHE SUPPORTED RAPE TO MY FRIEND

Someone sent this to me, and I have something to say about it. Don't buy what she said on her Twitter, I explained every single detail below.

I'm adding these pictures as well since these tweets were basically her referring to me and saying a lot of bad things about me. I've heard this meant "I wish you go kill yourself", "You don't deserve any friends" and so on, so I decided to translate it. She deleted it, and it's gone by now, but I could get a screenshot of her saying it.

TL;DR: I cut neopentane5 off and blocked her last year, I've been struggling because of severe depression since last year and she was the main reason who caused it, I vented about how I felt and what I couldn't understand her to my friend, and somehow it ended up with Neopentane5 seeing my DM with my friend and she self attacked me on her Twitter because of the DM, revealing my personal information and writing on her Twitter that I need to kill myself.

Below this is about what exactly happened and how Neoepentane5 tried to justify her actions. I explained it with all the proof that she was wrong and spreading misinformation, including some NSFW pictures she sent.

I don't know where to start, but let me talk about what happened last year between me and her.

The first reason I cut her off :

A few months ago, a guitarist of my favorite band passed away, so I was really shocked and sad, and I wanted to talk about it to someone and get comforted. There was a discord server where I, Neopentane5, and some other people were so I went there and talked about it. One of them asked me about it, but Neopentane5 just said nothing but sent a nsfw pic right below my text, completely ignoring me.

It was really rude and disrespectful, not just because the guitarist was my favorite but it was really weird and absurd of her to send a nsfw pic when she heard that someone died. Because of this, I was feeling depressed, so I tried not to pay attention to the server and her. I muted the notifications and tried to do something else like watching movies, playing games, or going out and so on because I thought it would become better if I could ignore this.

But she kept sending a bunch of nsfw pictures like these pictures without my consent and I was really overwhelmed and mad because of it.

This is the uncensored version of the screenshots.

The second reason why I cut her off:

Around last Halloween, I posted this to do inbox trick or treating. People who wanted to join it left likes there, and everyone who left likes on that post answered back, but Neopentane5 was the only one who didn't do anything even though she left her like. I thought she might be busy, and I asked her why she hadn't answered. She said she read it and wanted to draw something for it and would post it that night, but I didn't really mind if she wanted to draw something or not, because I was content with communicating with people by sending some candy pics and it was wholesome.

She really seemed to draw one for it, and I didn't want to let her down by saying I didn't really need her drawing or so, so I gave her enough time and she didn't post anything about it even two weeks had passed. I was really getting upset and depressed because it felt like I was worthless and not worth being remembered or cared about. I stopped texting her and everyone back then because of my depression.

Then she suddenly texted me first unusually and it was like this.

She just wanted to use me for translating that picture when she clearly knew that I didn't like the reboot stuff and didn't want to see it at all. She could've just googled it and used a translator, but she still decided to ask me to translate it for her. I had been feeling really down that time, and I didn't want to text back, but I also didn't want to make her feel bad so I just joked like I was all good and translated it for her. I felt I was worthless than the google translate and she just laughed it off and didn't really care about it when she should've made a proper apology. It didn't look like a person who was genuinely feeling sorry and it made my mental state worse. So I said just forget about it, and she didn't even answer back.

Other reasons I cut her off:

I had been already feeling depressed because I had always felt that I was the only one who cared about the 'friendship' she claimed to call it. Whenever I wanted to 'talk' with her, I always had to bring something interesting related to the fandom stuff, or she didn't even reply or reply very carelessly like "okay cool" a few days later when I texted her. She also didn't text me first usually, and I noticed it when I started talking with her last year. I thought I could talk about it to her and solve the problem together, so I seriously asked her to text me first sometimes and told her that I was feeling neglected because of her lack of messages. She said she wasn't just a talkative person and didn't really start a conversation first, but it was also the same for me because I wasn't a talkative one either. At least she promised that she would change and try to message me first, but she didn't. I talked about it to her more than three times, but she didn't even try hard to keep her promise and I lost trust that it would fix anything if I talked with her.

This was the last conversation when I blocked her.

I was trying not to be rude, and I explained why I decided to distance her. If she actually cared about the 'friendship', then she should've apologized to me and asked me if we could start over. But she immediately decided to cut me off (which means she didn't care about me) and started making excuses to justify her actions.

About Neoepentane5 saying something supportive about rape:

She tried to make her words promising about rape is okay by using the logic that she's Asian and Asian people are like that. Me, as a Korean, I don't support rape and I am against people who tolerate rape in any case. I couldn't understand how could a person be okay with rape at all and I was so disgusted by it, so I vented it to my friend because I'd already cut her off and there was no way for her to see this, a few days ago. But somehow, Neopentane5 was able to see my DM which I only intended to share with my friend, and wrote about it, making excuses and revealing my Discord name and Tumblr blog to the public, allowing her followers could easily attack me when I had no intention to expose her when I was talking with my friend.

We used to be friends, but we didn't quarrel and the quarrel she means is the last conversation I wrote about above, where I was explaining why I decided to block her. I didn't drive a distance between Neopentane5 and her friends, in fact, there was only one person I asked why didn't they distance Neopentane5 yet. The friend she was talking about was also my friend, and when I decided to block her, I told the friend too. I was genuinely worried about the friend because they said that they also had problems with Neopentane5 before and had an emotionally hard time because of her.

I talked about my interaction with her to my friends, not making it go on the public. Every person can feel bad and hate someone, and I needed to vent my feelings to my friends, Neopentane5 is talking about this as if I did something wrong after seeing what she wasn't able to see. About how she could manage to see my DM, my friend shared it with someone else without my consent and their friend shared it again to another, and so on. This is a wild guess, but when I talked to the friend after blocking Neopentane5 they said they already knew what happened, and in the way Neopentane5 talked in the last conversation I had with her, it's not hard to assume that she probably said many bad things about me. I don't blame her for talking back behind my back, because it's natural to vent someone's feelings to someone, but it's very disappointing and frustrating to see her attack me.

When I said I could make her an account, she denied it because she didn't want to look weak in front of me and said it was cheap to buy a new phone number, saying it didn't even cost a single dollar.

It was one game she bought, and I told her how much I appreciated it enough that she told me to stop praising her. However, she hadn't played it once when I asked her to play it together later. I don't know what she's talking about the 'learning new ways to use AI for me' because if she's talking about CAI, I was the one who was making characters mostly and I've never asked her to make one for me.

I asked her to do RP with her because it looked like she was getting tired of CAI's waiting line and the limited responses. I said it was totally okay if she didn't want to do so, but she accepted it and then I made a server to invite her. She talked like she didn't enjoy it at all, but as embarrassing as it might sound, I enjoyed it and appreciated her for doing it together, and when I asked her if she was enjoying this too, she said yes and saved funny moments we had.

I say it again that it wasn't an argument or a quarrel. I explained why I wanted to distance her instead of just blocking her without any words, giving her the last chance to apologize and to make things better again. I explained it in the last conversation I had with her, you can read about how she keeps trying to justify her careless actions toward me by saying she's just forgetful and I don't understand her at all when I was struggling because of my depression and I needed someone to show me that they cared about me, but she couldn't understand me at all. I expected her to show it to me because she said I was special and different unlike the other friends she had, but maybe I was too naive.

I've never talked about anything related to her to the public or in my account where anyone can see it until now. Look at who decided to point me out and blame me, revealing my blog and discord account.

It's also not healthy to write me to go kill yourself.

This is all, and it was Neopentane5 who started blaming me on the Internet first. These are her Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram pages. I hope anyone who reads this will distance yourself from her and her devotees, and it would be appreciated if you could reblog this post and share it on other websites like Twitter too.

Sorry for tagging the fandom tags, but I don't want other people to suffer the same thing I did. Thank you for reading a long post. + I edited the post since it was flagged.

[wilcze-kudly]

Suyin wasn't "coerced" to commit a crime, neither did she want to take herself out of the situation. She wanted to get her friends out of paying for their crimes because she's spoiled and entitled.

She didn't "have" to travel the world, she was sent to family members to take her away from a criminal and endangering environment, and she decided to escape because she's too much of a pick me girl to stay with the so called family "that didn't show her affection". To be honest, you speak of her as some kind of adult avatar-styled Rapunzel, instead of a teenager who deserved to be reprimanded.

She did turn her life around, and kudos to the creators for showing that. No one can say that her story and background is boring by any chance.

She, however, is not the most likeable character out there to a big part of the fandom, but I seriously doubt someone is taking it as seriously as you seem to do. Just chill.

Istg this happens almost everytime I post something mildly touching on the fact that Suyin deserves compassion too. Though you may be the same anon who blew up my inbox a while back so it might just be you.

I've always found the disdain we have for "troubled teens" upsetting because usually, when a teenager "acts out", there's more of a reason behind it that just "ooh they're spoilt or entitled".

[Trigger warning for self harm and suicidal ideation mentions]

Like, I was a very difficult teen back in the day. I argued with my parents, even got into physical altercations, skipped school, ran away from home at night. I was also going through a severe depression, dealing with a shitton of childhood trauma, cutting on the regular and making multiple attempts on my life. Hell, if my parents had brushed me off as "a kid who needs to be disciplined" I probably would've killed myself at 14. It doesn't excuse me for punching my dad in the stomach when he was just trying to stop me from running away into the night but it doesn't mean I didn't deserve help.

[End of Trigger Warning]

These two things can be correct at the same time. Suyin can have done a shitty thing that deserves reprimand and that she needs help that she seemingly had to find on her own. But like, guess which of these two is almost exclusively focused on.

And I mean, it's totally not like the Avatar fandom has a habit of expressing extreme hate towards young girls (especially young girls of colour) making sub optimal choices or just beind "annoying". I've just never seen that before.

Suyin grew up with Toph, who Lin herself has described like this:

Suyin : No, no. My children are a blessing. Lin: Yeah, mom used to say that too, but she never meant it.

Which btw, still an incredibly hillarious thing to say in front of Suyin's children: "Hi kids I'm your aunt Lin and your mother is lying about loving you"

While Suyin has, as a child, expressed doubt that Toph would even care that she's skipping school. And as an adult, she has described her childhood with Lin as "competing for their mother's affection" and still has doubts whether or not her mother is happy with how either of them turned out.

Hell, even though Su and Toph have been said to have made up, Toph still maintains a heavy layer of distance between them, seemingly dissappearing for years at a time!

It's honestly sad how Suyin hugs Toph and puts up statues of her everywhere in Zaofu and yet Toph still just fucked off to the swamp when Opal was probably less then ten and did not contact them.

I mean, sounds like there's not a lot of motherly affection going on there, dude. Idk what to tell ya. We know there were no fathers around either.

And Lin was also a victim of this environment, so I don't really want this to come off as me blaming her for the way she acted towards Su. But Lin is hardly what I would call affectionate.

So of course Suyin would put so much stock in her relationships outside the house. And her friends happened to be fucking criminals fucking hell. And of course Lin, being a kid too did not know how to approach this situation properly, so she inadvertently just pushed Suyin closer to them by insulting them and making her feel defensive.

Because that's what all fucking teens do. The internalise things, they rely on their peers to form their perception of things and they want to be independent. So when someone, especially someone who isn't a parent tries to control them, guess how they'll react? They dig their heels in. Especially a teen like Suyin who has virtually no reason to listen to her older sister other than a vague "I know better than you" type of vibe which really pisses teens off. That's like the time when talking down to them is the worst thing to do.

And fuck off with saying getting arrested and screamed at by your sister in the middle of the road isn't a stressful situation that you wolud wanna get out of. Lin punched a car so hard it dented! (Especially that Lin has already been confirmed to use her status as a police officer against people she has a vendetta against, like when SHE TRIED TO THROW PEMA IN JAIL FOR STEALING HER MANS like how tf did we brush over that)

What I always find interesting in this scene is the front that Su puts on in front of Lin, which slips up a few times, particularly when Lin can't see her expression. Because Suyin is, of course being a fucking brat and taunting Lin, but you can clearly see that she's stressed out.

Suyin also describing the reason she helped her friends as a getaway driver is something I find interesting:

Suyin: I didn't steal anything. I just drove the car. I owed my friends a favor. It's not a big deal.

Of course she's scared and minimising her involvement but the usage of "owing her friends" could very easily imply her not exactly being too hyped about this, as well as her insistence on not stealing anything.

Because the thing about Suyin is that, especially in the flashbacks, we see her only in Lin's PoV. We don't see her relationship with her friends, what led up to the robbery, anything. Which makes sense, because the flashbacks are supposed to be Lin's. But that means we're viewing Su with the inherent bias of Lin, who clearly has an agenda against Su.

Lin clearly blames Suyin for Toph leaving policework, despite us later seeing how burnt out and cynical Toph was about being a cop. Its more likely that Su's arrest was a wake-up call for Toph, but she left due to the buildup of stress and disillusionment and Lin, who has been idolising her mother and her mother's career blamed it on Suyin in her head.

Hell, even they made up, Lin still immediately pivots to accusing Suyin of being involved in the Red Lotus' attack. Despite the attack placing Suyin's life, the lives of her sons and the lives of her guards at risk and Suyin going out of her way to thwart it.

And Suyin's life is just a fucking mess after this point like: betrayal by close friend, daughter kidnapped by terrorists, anarchy in the kingdom, leaders of 2 foreign governments trying to pressure her into subjugating the people in the name of a monarch she doesn't support, betrayal part 2; child boogaloo, the country she lives in being declared a dictatorship, city under literal siege, threat of attack in 24 hours, the fucking Avatar doing fuck all to help, a desperate attempt at assassinating the leader, getting caught and placed in questionably humane restraints, having to watch her daughter be forced to flee, PUBKIC HUMILIATION, the arrest of her non combative son and husbandd, INHUMANE JAIL CELL...

Do I need to go on? Like the moment the Krew came to her gouse her life just started to fucking fall apart its actually kinda hillarious.

And calling Suyin a "pick me" is just... unfounded? Who's she trying to get picked by? Her mom who doesn't love her? Girlie just wanted a family she literally said so in the show, put your listening ears on, babes.

I understand that Suyin isn't the most likeable character to people. I can understand why they dislike her. She can be annoying, hypocritical, rash, the poor structuring of the episodes around her and Lin makes it so she gets unearned favour from the writers etc. People who like Lin and Kuvira, two extremely popular characters in the fandom have an easy villain in their faves' lives if they just tweak Suyin a bit.

But that doesn't mean I'm obligated to dislike her too or that I'm not allowed to post about her in a way that doesn't allign with the fandom's narrative of her. You're not obligated to read it, hun, you can block the #pro suyin beifong tag if it makes you that upset to see me

I want to appreciate parts of Suyin which aren't highlighted by the fandom and I'm allowed to do that. Just because it doesn't fit with your clearly overtly negative opion of the character well, tough luck. And hey, I gladly take the opportunity to talk about Suyin, but I've also made a ridiculous amount of posts around har and have probably addressed almost every single fandom complaint of her at some point so I'm starting to get a little tired of repeating myself lol.

And I'll be the first to admit, my own teenage years probably heavily affect how compassionate I am towards Suyin, particularly in her younger years. But I know how much people hate "troubled teens", how little compassion thet are given.

The narrative that if a misbehaving teenager just gets deisciplined and reprimanded enough they'll stop being "spoilt and entitled" or acting out is wrong and harmful. It hurts tons of teenagers by not getting them the help they need and it would've fucking killed me.

Also hun, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I tend to use hyperbole a lot. I'm a dramatic bitch. Like did you also think I was serious when I said I'd shoot myself if I saw another ad for Amazon's shit lotr wannabe show?

Tbh everytime I get an ask like this I vaguely consider doubling down and commiting to the bit of being the fandom's "Lin Beifong hater". Though I feel like a lot of people wouldn't realise its a bit and think I actually hate her for real lol.

[canonkiller]

Apologies if this has been asked/answered before, but do you have any thoughts you’re willing to share about the motivations behind your ouroboros piece? The “here’s the thing, bite down or let go” one. It’s so evocative and striking and lovely, and has come to be really meaningful to me. I’d absolutely love to hear what you were thinking about while making it.

nothing to apologize for I love to talk

I have talked about it in the past, though it's a bit scattered! the bulk of it is here, with additional shorter comments here and here. There's probably other times I've mentioned it in tags or posts on here and my main that I don't want to track down because Tumblr search sucks.

I made it because I was stuck, frustrated with being stuck, and frustrated with being expected to maintain a status quo that was killing me. It was made because I was sick and tired of being asked to maintain a status quo that would slowly kill me because change was seen as too disruptive; it was important to me that ending the cycle destructively (biting down) or peacefully (letting go) were both options that were neutral, equal in making the necessary change (no longer holding on). Inertia - maintaining the cycle, because it is familiar and safe, even if it's killing you - was rarely treated as severely as it affected me, in that uncertain time when my savings were running out and the government was taking its time in giving me scraps to pay for food with.

I also made it because a lot of my issues are what I've called ouroboros problems: the things that would fix them are difficult to use because of the problems. I've talked about my experience with OCD briefly before - I have a lot of trouble taking medication. I had to enter mental warfare with lactaid pills for the better part of a year before I could convince my brain that they were not Radioactive Poison (only a mild exaggeration). There's medication that would lessen the paranoia about taking medication, but in order to lessen the paranoia, I have to take the medication that I'm already paranoid about. Breaking that chicken-and-egg loop is also tied into the bite down or let go phrasing in that more humble sense; even if the paranoia is right, and it's gonna hurt like hell, sometimes you have to take that risk on purpose and live with the consequences in order to do what needs doing. it's not something I'm that good at yet, though I hope to be.

I've drifted into the explanatory reeds. with that being said though - whatever it means to you Is its meaning, as truthfully and fully as the meaning I put into it for myself. that's art babey. I wouldn't be putting it out into the world if the perception of it was meant to be rigid, static, My Way Or The Highway, etc etc.

also also I just really liked how the sentence sounded. the illustration was an afterthought.

[e-vay]

Evay QA Bulk Post 4

Here's another roundup of questions! I'm sorry if you don't see your question answered here. I tried answering as many as I could handle. Thank you all for reaching out :)

PERSONAL ASKS

Anon asked: I don’t know if this is too personal or not, but if you feel comfortable sharing, what prompted you to make a return after not posting at all for about 3 years?

A: That's okay, I don't mind you asking. To be honest, I just suffered from art block for a very long time. I couldn't get myself to draw no matter how hard I tried. I would sit myself down and try to force myself to do it, but I just couldn't. I don't know why it went away and I don't know why it came back, but suddenly my spark came back with a vengeance! I'm back to wanting to draw all the time! I think that's both the wonderful and awful thing about creativity: you can't force it. It sucks, but hopefully I can serve as proof to others who are going through it that you can spring back from it.

Anon asked: Hi E-vay! I couldn't help but notice a few Coraline references in some of your art work, are you a fan of the film too? By the way, Sonamy 4 eva!!

A: Yes I LOVE Coraline! I never read the book but I love the movie. It fills my spooky little heart and soul!

sonicalover1345 asked: Hey, quick question have you watched Hazbin Hotel Prime video? If you have what is or are your favorite characters?

A: I haven't yet! Honestly when the pilot first came out years ago, I didn't care for it. (I love Helluva Boss, did not care for Hazbin Hotel). But I've heard a million people recommending the series and I've heard the songs because of Tiktok and a lot of the songs sound great, so I have been meaning to check it out.

Anon asked: What is your favourite Tim burton movie? 🖤

A: I want to say Nightmare Before Christmas, but to be completely honest it's probably Mars Attacks! It's so campy and funny and it has that retro horror sci-fi film feel to it, and the cast rocks. It checks all the boxes for me. I even have a Mars Attacks! print hung up at my office at work:

wind-upbaby14 asked: Just curious but what happened to that hell hath series you made and why did you stop?

A: I went through a severe art block and hadn't drawn anything for a long time, even though I had the whole script for it written out. However since getting my mojo back, I've completely re-written the story and am working on it again. You'll see more of HHNF soon and I'm certain you'll like it better than it was meant to be originally!

Anon asked: I’m unsure if you’ve been asked this before, feel free to ignore if so but would you ever consider opening a Patreon? Y’know for earlier access and possibly spicy art🤔?

A: I did have a Patreon once upon a time, but it gave me severe imposter syndrome lol It put too much pressure on me to put out content that I thought was worthy enough for people to be paying for, so I ultimately closed it down. It doesn't mean I won't ever open it up again, but I don't have any immediate plans to do that. Also regarding the spice haha 😅 I appreciate your interest, but I just don't like to share that kind of content.

milangakokoros asked: I know you like sailor moon, I remember that you published a drawing that you did in 2007 somewhere, of Aurora sailor moon version. What other animes do you like? have you seen saint seiya? (it's my current hyperfixation)

A: I don't watch much anime anymore, but I used to be obsessed with Naruto. That's primarily what I would draw back in my dA days, but I lost interest in it a long time ago. I also loved Fruits Basket, Kill La Kill, One Punch Man and Attack on Titan. There are other shows I've watched, but those were the major series. I haven't seen the series you mentioned, sorry!

milangakokoros asked: Have you thought about making more games like the one you made on Halloween?

A: Absolutely! I don't know what the next game will be, but I definitely want to make more!

prophecyhyper asked: Do you post any of your drawings on any other sites?

A: I sometimes post my art on my Instagram and I sometimes post timelapses of my drawings on Tiktok, but I mostly post here on Tumblr!

aviles2003 asked: I've been meaning to ask you this about adaptations, what is your only favorite Video Game Movie you wanna see, already watched, and excited to see? (Sonic the Hedgehog Movies, The Super Mario Bros Movie, Detective Pikachu, Or Five Nights at Freddy's?)

A: So far my favorite game-movie adaptation is the Super Mario Bros movie! I love it so much! I love that they kept the style of the game but made it a little more polished than what you'd get in the games. I loved the characters, I loved all the references within it, I loved the music. I just think it's a perfect adaptation. Of course I'm super excited for Sonic 3! I'm sure it's going to be great, I'm just praying that Amy will be in it! I need her in it :( I'd love to see a movie adaptation of Dead Space. That's one of my favorite games and ooh I think it'd make such a good horror film. I know they made animated movies for it, but I want it done in a proper hollywood horror way!

edwinflores428 asked: E-vay, since you're also a Beatles enjoyer, did you hear the new Beatles song 'Now and Then'?

A: I didn't know about this until you mentioned this in my inbox. Wow that was emotional! I can't believe they were able to make a song out of an old unreleased recording and really get to finally get closure for their band in a way. Just incredible!

Anon asked: hey, i logged in after a long time and i was just happy to see you’re still posting. i’ve been following since the deviantart days and i just wanted to say how much i enjoy your art. it has always brought me a lot of joy :)

A: This isn't an ask, but I wanted to include it just so I could tell those of you who send these kinds of messages to my inbox: Thank you ❤️ I don't know if you all realize how much it means to me to have your support. Whether you're new to my work or whether you've followed me since my deviantART days, it absolutely makes my day when I receive these kind of wonderful, positive messages. My only wish is that you didn't feel you needed to write me anonymously so I could thank you personally! But I'll respect your privacy ❤️ From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

-

MISC SONIC ASKS

Anon asked: I was wondering what your favourite brotherly head cannon would be between Sonic and Tails? :3

A: Even though Sonic's older and technically raised Tails, I love the idea of them sort of "raising each other." Sonic teaches Tails how to defend himself, how to navigate the world, how to do the right thing, but Tails is the one who teaches Sonic how to read and write, introduces him to philosophical discussions that Sonic finds really boring but actually helps him to be a better hero and be a better version of himself. I even like the idea of Tails being the one to teach Sonic how to play music. Sonic has a natural talent for it, but Tails is the one to teach him notes and chords, how to actually read sheet music, things like that.

umbrathehedgehog asked: Hey, I noticed that one piece about Sonic Prime. It's very nice! What did you like or not like about the show? Been seeing a lot of differing opinions on it and I'm really curious about what you thought!

A: Thanks so much! As a whole I'd say it was okay. It certainly wasn't the best Sonic media out there in my opinion but no way was it the worst. I understand it's a kid's show, but it was way too formulaic for me. It got to the point where I could pretty much bet "in 2 minutes Character A is going to seem like all is lost, then a loud explosion/sudden shake will happen, and they'll look up like 'whuAHHH???' and Character B will show up to help." That's fine, but not when it's happening multiple times every single episode. So to be honest, it wasn't a show that I looked forward to watching like I did with Sonic Boom. It was just something I had on because it was Sonic-related. But Sonic Prime had a lot of good character writing and the acting was great. They explored character relationships/dynamics and emotions that some other Sonic content hasn't done before, so I applaud them for that. It's mirroring what happened in Sonic Frontiers and I love that the franchise is willing to dig a little deeper on an emotional level like that. And I've said it before but I'll say it a million times more: Shadow was PERFECT! The positive of having Shadow portrayed so excellently far outweighed any negatives I could say for the show!

chrismantike asked: What’re your thoughts on longclaw (the owl from the sonic movie) does she exist in your AU as Sonic’s mom?

A: Well we didn't get to see very much of her, but I loved her design! She was very majestic and beautiful and kind. None of the characters or storyline from the live action movies are part of my AU.

-

MY OCs/AU ASKS

Anon asked: So when’s did aurora learn that she could turn invisible? And did she use it to pull a prank on her parents making them think she disappeared

A: Aurora discovers her light abilities when she's young (think about preteen age), but she doesn't fully know what all she can do yet. It takes a lot of experimenting and studying with Uncle Tails to figure out everything she can do. He is the one who tells her that if she can bend light, she should be able to use it to cloak herself. Tails and Sonic obviously mean she should use it as a defensive move, but Aurora instantly thinks it's the perfect power for pranks! Picture a lot of objects "floating" around the house with a lot of phony "OooooOOoooOOOO" ghost noises haha

Anon asked: Is aurora a comic book fan? If so what’s her favorite series

A: Aurora can enjoy super hero related stuff, but she's not an avid fan of it and I would say she does not read comics. Aurora is more into fantasy/romance books. Ruff is the one who is into comic books :) His favorite would be Batman.

Anon asked: I love your idea of Aurora and Sage being close friends, I really think that fits! That being said, do you think Sage and CC would get along?

and gale-gentlepenguin asked: I’m curious on how Sage would interact with Aurora and CC? I know it would probably be seperate universes but it would be fun to see how Eggman’s daughter reacts to Sonics daughter and a sentient AI of equal intellect

A: Thank you! I've been thinking about it and I like the idea of Sage and CC being rivals, but in a very cheeky, friendly way. Sort of like Sonic and Knuckles. Sage and CC would make everything into a competition to see who can solve this problem fastest or who can simulate something best, to determine who is truly the more intelligent of the two AIs. But again, not in a toxic way. In a "I have to be the best version of myself in order to beat you because the respect I have for you is insanely high" kind of way. And Sage could playfully tease CC for wanting to become organic because it'd be a "step backwards" in her evolution, but really she'd work to find a way to help make CC's dream come true.

antooogamer asked: Hello, I already know why Diamond is white and Boon's color is for Aurora, but now I have a question about Cinder, why is he Orange? :^

A: Orange is in the same color family as red and pink, so I think it still works. As far as color theory, in my AU Aurora has a grandma who is yellow and Shadow's fur includes red, so by blending those colors you can get orange. It's the same reason why Nova is purple, it's a blend of colors from their lineage. I tried Cinder out in several different colors but orange is ultimately what fit him best.

animefan299110 asked: After seeing your artwork of Sage and Aurora interacting, I got to ask: Do they hang out a lot or is Sage like a cousin/big sister who visits all the time?

A: They're more like best friends than sisters/cousins. I know people draw Sage growing older and stuff but I personally headcanon that she'd stay in the form of a child because she feels no need to grow up. But once she's friends with Aurora, then I could see her "aging" up alongside Aurora so that she always matches her friend. It's just a headcanon of mine for now and that could ultimately change in the future.

Anon asked: Has Aurora ever been to space before if so what were her thoughts. Was she like markiplier with the whole space is so cool song.

A: Aurora DESPERATELY wants to go to space more than anything! But for most of her life she hardly ever left her home. It isn't until she's grown up that she actually starts to properly explore the world. Eventually I want her to go to space, but it would be once she's living on her own.

skywriter97 asked: So I saw this one fanart comic (that I can't remember the name of) forever ago and in it Shadow had his emblem tattooed on his arm and it made me wonder (since you the best Sonic fan artist hands down no contest) does Sonamy/Shadora (or any of your characters kn your Au) have any tats or piercings anywhere? If so, what and where? (If the fur doesn't get in the way for them lol) (Votes go to Shadow being a tatted and pierced edgelord cuz that would be so 🔥🔥🔥👌👌👌😍🤩😍🤩🤩😍🥵🥵🤤🤤🤌🤌🤌)

A: You are just so sweet, thank you! You know I'm very pro tats and I love seeing what people think the different Sonic characters would get. For my AU, I only have two (technically three) characters depicted with tattoos. Amy's dad Clay Rose has two tattoos on his bicep: A heart with his wife's name in it, and then a matching little heart with Amy's name in it. Adult Knuckles has a simple "M.E." tattooed on his bicep. It's a reference to Knuckles' theme and also his dedication to the Master Emerald. Lastly, I have the human version of Cinder (but only the human version) with forearm sleeves that continue down his hands. So far those are the only characters I have with tattoos. As far as piercings, most of my characters have ear piercings but they don't often wear earrings. Blitz and Lulu are the only characters who always wears earrings. I could see Shadow getting at least an ear pierced, but I headcanon that with his rapid healing that it would almost instantly close if he didn't actively wear a piercing at the time.

Anon asked: I totally hope that Piper will have a girlfriend! Do you see her more with a girl or a boy?

A: I currently see PIper as demiromantic. She is currently not interested in anyone romantically or physically, and I don't want to diminish that part of her identity by saying 'Oh but she'll eventually end up with __." Of course, a headcanon is whatever you want so if you personally ship her with a woman that's cool with me!

Anon asked: Hey evay, i was looking at this old info of Amy, and It says that she wans't always at home, did Aurora had any issue with that? Did some part of her childhood she could say that she had mother issues? (Sorry if you can't understand, my english it's terrible 💀)

A: Your English is excellent! I wouldn't go so far as to say Aurora had mother issues. Amy wasn't completely absent from Aurora's youth, she was just working a lot so she wasn't constantly at home the way Sonic was. It would have made things a little awkward/emotional at times because that naturally made Aurora favor Sonic a little more when she was younger, but that also made the times she did have with Amy all the more special. Aurora never thought to herself "My mom has abandoned me because she's never home," it was more of a "Work is stupid and being grown up is stupid because it means Mom can't stay home and play with me all day." Aurora and Amy grow a lot closer as Aurora gets older and better understands the meaning of responsibilities and commitment.

Anon asked: Hi hi! I'm kinda new in the Sonic fandom and I've seen lots of your comics and content so far (That are great!) The shadora refs of their kids are just so *chef kiss*, when I looked at it, I told myself: "Damn, I wanna make ref sheets this great for my characters too!" I love the fact that you called them an horde! xD And the angst with Shadow's immortality must be amazing! Uh I'm getting out of the subject ^^'' I wanted to ask you if you planned or did anything with Silver? I don't think I saw anything from you with him And another question, if no one asked this before, are any of Shadora's kiddos immortal too? Or maybe they're "half immortal"? Like, they live longer than everyone else but still has a shorter lifespan than their dad I love your work! Keep going! ^^ And have a wonderful day :D

A: Wow, that's so kind of you to say! Thank you so much! I hope you do make ref sheets for your characters :) I haven't planned anything with Silver for my AU yet. To be honest, I don't know his character very well and I try my best to always keep the original characters in-character, so that's why I haven't done anything with him yet. But I recently purchased the volumes of IDW comics and I'm hoping to understand him better and then I will be more confident writing him! Secondly, none of the Shadora horde are immortal. They have stronger immune systems so they can heal faster and are less likely to get sick than the average Mobian, but they are still mortal and still age at a normal rate. Thank you for the questions and compliments!

Anon asked: I love the Shadora babies sm !! My question is..What excactly happend in the fight between Diamond and Cinder? Love your art btw&lt;3

A: Thank you so much! I need to make a comic about it. When they were young they were all exploring the different zones and Cinder was really struggling with some of the obstacles so he was already getting quite aggravated. Diamond noticed this and offered to help because some problems are better solved as a team, and Cinder immediately gets pissed and tells her to buzz off. She gets upset that he snaps at her, and there's some escalation between the two and finally Cinder blows up at her (literally). He immediately regrets it as he did not mean to hurt her, but the damage is already done.

degux asked: What would happen if Metal Sonic ( somehow :v ) met CC ?

A: Hmm. Well, even though Metal Sonic is based on Sonic, I love stories that involve him having an identity crisis and ultimately deciding that he's not just going to be a clone. He's his own entity, right? They're alike, but they're not the same. I don't know where he'd be on that self journey by the time he meets CC, but she'd definitely see him as his own person, not as a Sonic copy. But likely he'd still be an antagonist, so they'd end up having to battle lol

milangakokoros asked: does team chaotix exist in the Aurora universe? and have they interacted with the Rose family?

A: They definitely exist in my AU, but I haven't completely decided what their roles are yet. I can see Vector becoming Cream's stepdad (I'm not passionate about the VanillaXVector ship but I know it's practically canon), and then that leads me down a rabbit hole (pun intended) of how does that affect the dynamics of Team Chaotix? I have some rough ideas but I need to spend more time on it.

Anon asked: Have you thought about introducing Vector or Team chaotix in your sonamy and Aurora comics? :0 I picture him being "Uncle Stanley Pines" from Aurora and the Hyena Boys.

A: I had to add this question immediately after because your idea of Grunkle Stan made me laugh out loud! Oh my gosh I love that!

Anon asked: hola, tengo una pregunta. Hace mucho que no veia tu contenido y veo que estas de vuelta me alegro! :) Mi pregunta es aurora no tenia un hermano? Si no mal recuerdo creo que tenia uno y de ser asi el caso, el también tendria sus propias aventuras? Lo poco que recuerdo de el es que estaba en un dibujo tuyo de navidad con toda la familia sonamy junta y otro donde aurora lo abraza. Me gustaría saber que fue de el

A: ¡Gracias! The character you're referring to was an OC made by my friend Nana, a Sonamy fankid named Spazz. I sometimes drew him interacting with Aurora because my friend Nana and I just liked to draw our characters interacting, but Spazz is not a part of my AU. Nana is no longer on tumblr so that's why there aren't any Spazz art/comics anymore.

Anon asked: Does Sonic’s Uncle Chuck exist in your AU?

A: No I don't include the Archie comics or characters at all

⚠‼️THIS QUESTION MIGHT BE TRIGGERING. SKIP IF YOU NEED TO. TW: INFERTILITY ‼️⚠ Anon asked: Hi e-vay! I’ve recently re-read your ‘Boom Baby’ comic & was wonderin’ - especially with all their attempts - did Sonic or Amy, either one, stuggle with infertility? If so, did they ever have any doubts of that “I’m pregnant” moment ever happening?

A: Infertility is a very real issue that many people (including those very close in my life) deal with. Although I do think it's very important for people to be able to see their experiences reflected in the media they consume to help them remember that they aren't alone in their experience, this is not something I wanted Sonic and Amy to have to deal with for Boom!Baby. The chapter where Sonic references making multiple attempts during a certain window of time was not meant to imply that they were struggling with infertility. It was instead supposed to show that now that they've both decided they want a child, Amy doesn't want to take any chances to make sure it happens lol. TMI - Even without fertility issues, getting pregnant is not always guaranteed so it can take a lot of planning and timing (and frankly, luck) to be successful. Super TMI - I headcanon that Sonic and Amy are already intimate A LOT so now that they're trying for a baby it's above and beyond and that's why Sonic is tired in that chapter lol

fireghost234 asked: Hi this is my first time asking you!!!, does sonic in your AU still have his swordfighting skills from black knight?

A: Thank you for the question! Personally I don't think he'd retain those skills after that experience, so no that's not a trait he has in my AU anyway.

madysonisbae19 asked: Okay so I’m listing to the Encanto soundtrack and when Surface Pressure came on tell me why I instantly thought of Diamond singing this song when she is down about being physically the strongest out of her family.

A: That song (and character) is so her! Thank you for pointing that out to me, I'm going to associate that with her now 🥰

Anon asked: Did Aurora actually got bullied in school?

A: In my stories Mobians don't really go to "school," but yes she was bullied by a group of other kids when she was little. I have a script for a comic for this, I just haven't drawn it yet.

Anon asked: I think I'm pretty sure you based post-Boom to make your comics, but do you think Prime to becanon to your comic continuity too?

A: My AU is a fluid situation haha It adapts as more Sonic content comes out and I get to pick what I want to include. That's what makes AUs fun! Hmmm, ultimately I'm going to say no, I don't think Prime is canon to my stories.

Anon asked: Hi e-vay! Just wanted to ask, will we ever see what happened with Sonic and Amy's wedding in your AU? We've seen Amy's pregnancy with Aurora and their first date, so it seems like another natural relationship landmark to make a shenanigans-filled story out of! Also, keeping on the Sonamy wedding topic, what's their guestlist look like? Are there any surprises in who's getting an invite and who isn't?

A: I definitely have a sonamy wedding comic in the works :) It's going to be multi-chaptered. I would love to answer your other questions but I don't want to spoil the surprise! 😜

SHIPPING ASKS

Anon asked: Not to sound weird or anything, but does Sonic have a go to move that seduces Amy? 💙🩷

A: He simply ✨exists✨

Anon asked: Does Sonic ever dream about Amy?

A: I mean, I think so 😉

Anon asked: Hi e-vay! I had a question for you that I've been wanting to know about. If you read Harry Potter or watch the movies, don't you think that Harry and Ginny's relationship is similar to Sonic and Amy? I know this is kind of random, but it's like Harry is the hero, and Ginny was always in love with him, but their relationship slowly developed throughout the books, especially the 6th book. And that's how Sonic and Amy have been throughout the years

A: Hello! I have seen the movies and I read some of the books, but I don't know the series all that well. Actually, I don't remember Ginny being in the movies much at all, so I was a little confused when she and Harry ended up together. Maybe there was more to it in the books that I just never read. So if I'm going solely based on the movies I've seen, I can't say that I see the correlation. But that's not to say you're wrong in thinking that :)

aurorathehedge6 asked: What's your favorite Sonamy art that you made?

A: Definitely My Gal, specifically the last couple of chapters. I put my whole heart into that story and I'm pretty proud of it.

essycogany asked: Hi! First, I want to say that I LOVE your work! You’re so talented and I couldn’t appreciate your stuff enough. How are you feeling about the new Sonamy material from this and last year? Things are really starting to become more obvious as the years go on. Hope you’re doing well. 💖

A: Thank you so much! I hope you're doing well too :) UGH!!! 😩💙💖💙💖💙💖 We have been fed SO WELL lately! I can't believe it, what a time to be alive! I'm still sure they won't ever make it canon, but I love the sweet little snippets we get and just how much Sonic and Amy's relationship has evolved over the years to be so much closer. And I giggle like a little maniac every time they're on screen together or they're side by side in marketing. It makes my heart SING!

Anon asked: Are you still a fan of of the OT3 hedgies (Sonamyshad) and are still a fan of shadamy? Will we see any dribbles about them. Your art is so pretty 😍🤩 I just wanna see more 🤣😅 sorry if that embarrassing!

A: That's not embarrassing, that's crazy kind of you to say! Thank you! Yes I do still adore those ships and need to draw them more. It just seems every time I go to draw something my hand gets possessed by the ✨spirit of sonamy✨😂 I promise I'll draw the others at some point!

Anon asked: Are there any ships that you just… don’t get? Not dislike or hate or anything, just one that you fully don’t understand the appeal for…? Cause Metal Sonic and Amy is a ship that kinda baffles me. Like most Amy ships have some appeal. Sonic is obvious, you’re Ms. Sonamy after all. But Shads, Silver, Blaze, and even Surge have fun dynamics, and Metal doesn’t really strike me as a character that is able to be shipped effectively… Thoughts?

A: There definitely are ships that I don't understand. But if I don't understand or don't like a ship (or fan theories, or whatever), I'd rather just not talk about them. I used to indulge in that style of arguing discussion when I was a kid but I don't do that kind of stuff anymore. If I don't get something I just say "That's not for me" and move along. I do support the MetAmy ship myself but it's not at the top of my ship list (lol). I like it because Metal Sonic is based on Sonic, and if they're meant to be similar and I believe that Sonic does care about Amy, then that logic would tell me that Metal cares about Amy, too. And even though Metal is a villain, Amy does care about his well being (just like she cares about everyone's well being). Metal Sonic is also one of the main reasons Amy and Sonic met in the first place, so I think she holds a special place in her heart for him, even if it's not 100% romantic. That's my reasoning, but I don't want or expect you to change your opinion.

Anon asked: Will tails and CC ever get married?

A: Whoa now, I've never even drawn them on an official date yet ;)

Anon asked: What tv shows would sonic and amy watch together?

A: I think a lot of feel-good comedies like Brooklyn 99, Bob's Burgers, Modern Family and Schitt's Creek.

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don’t like Shadora*

Anon asked: What would Shadow and Aurora’s fave show be?

A: They don't have similar tastes in shows, but I could see them both enjoying Only Murders in the Building and cut throat competition cooking shows like Hell's Kitchen.

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don’t like Shadora

gray3754 asked: How old would Amy and Sonic be when Aurora started to date shadow

A: I don't really do exact ages, but Sonic and Amy have Aurora roughly when they're in their mid-to-late 20s. So they would be in their mid-to-late 40s when Aurora and Shadow first meet.

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don’t like Shadora

aurorathehedge6 asked: What's your favorite Shadora art that you made? Also have Sonic, Amy, Aurora, and Shadow ever been on a double date?

A: Hmm, I think my fav Shadora art is the comic where Shadow and Aurora discuss her "wings" (back quills). It started out as just a fluffy piece but I think it really set the tone for their relationship in my stories. As far as a double date -- I could see them trying a double date early on when Shadow first states his intention to date Aurora, but it doesn't go well. Years later when Sonic is more accepting of their relationship I could see them occasionally going out for lunch/dinner together instead of just their weekly family dinners at home.

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don’t like Shadora

ticciticcicendy asked: I don't know if you do this question but has any of Aurora and shadows kids ever walked in on them?

A: Hahaha, Shadow is too savvy for that! He had the Shadora house built to essentially be a fortress, which also means the primary bedroom is practically a vault. Ain't nobody getting in there unexpectedly hahaha

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don’t like Shadora

lazypatrolpizzapersona asked: One question, is Aurora jealous when Shadow is with these girls?

A: I'm not sure what girls you are referring to? But Aurora is not a very jealous type.

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don’t like Shadora

zero-aurion asked: Quick question, in terms of lap pillows, for Tails and CC and Shadow and Aurora, who rests their head on the others lap more?

A: CC doesn't need to rest, but Tails is so soft that she just loves to lay against him so she'd definitely use him for a lap pillow more. BONUS POINTS for using his tails as a shawl around her shoulders! Shadow is more likely to rest his head in Aurora's lap. The way she strokes his quills is very soothing and makes him feel content. She also has thick thighs so very, very comfy for lap pillows!

--

Thank you all for the questions!

Evay QA Bulk Post 1

Evay QA Bulk Post 2

Evay QA Bulk Post 3

Evay QA Bulk Post 5

Evay QA Bulk Post 6

[fellthemarvelous]

Aziraphale my love

Please enjoy my WHOLE ASS OPINION AND META ANALYSIS.

I support Petty Bitch Aziraphale for season 3!! The angels have been talking down to him from the very beginning and mocking him. Every single person in his life has insulted his intelligence (yes, Crowley has done so several times). I want to see him GO OFF!!! (I posted this part as a tweet but Twitter doesn't give me enough room to write it all in one big place like Tumblr).

Like I am ready to GO THE FUCK OFF myself!

All of Heaven has been emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to Aziraphale since the very beginning. They never listen to him, and the only one he ever really wants to talk to anyway is God, but she is nowhere to be found.

Gabriel came to Aziraphale because he experienced something that Aziraphale is very familiar with. He couldn't remember why he was going to Aziraphale, but hiding away his memory in a fly ended up being just as much for Aziraphale's protection as his own. It ended up being the only way he could actually explain to Aziraphale and Crowley what was really going on.

Aziraphale was there to witness Gabriel's open expression of love for a demon and it lit a fire in his heart. He and Crowley could be together.

Aziraphale wanted Crowley to be by his side in Heaven so he could stand in front of all the angels and tell them how much he loves Crowley so they can see that there is more to life than death for humans.

Aziraphale thought taking Crowley with him meant he could continue to protect Crowley from ever going back to Hell. It's not like he's forgotten how Crowley was acting after being dragged down into Hell for saving the life of a human and persuading her to be not just pretend-y good but actually good. Aziraphale giving her the money was the temptation to always be a good person. They saved her soul together, Crowley with the angelic act, and Aziraphale's act was the temptation. They were so used to doing each other's jobs by this point that they switched roles in that scene.

Despite their last fight, Crowley came back and saved him from the Nazis in the church, and Aziraphale had that moment of realization. "Oh my God, I'm in love with my demon." Crowley wasn't interested in the holy water when he saved Aziraphale, and he saved Aziraphale's books. They also killed three Nazis in the process, which is the most romantic part of it all. The Nazis were a source of evil for Hell, so you know Hell told him to keep an eye on the Nazis. Hell was full of Nazis! We saw Furfur complain about processing 52 men called Otto. It's not normal for that to happen in Hell, and it's really starting to piss Furfur off!!

Aziraphale and Crowley working together in 1941 is the first time we see someone in Hell say WE ARE FULL GO AWAY. Hell turned some of the worst of the worst against humanity by turning them into flesh-eating zombies. "The dead shall rise from their graves and roam the Earth once more." Furfur was the first one to set Hell's prisoners free, and in true demon style, his plan backfired against him, but he'd already set the ball rolling on the Second Coming.

The man who owned the magic shop did not want to sell the Bullet Catch to Aziraphale because he could tell right away that Aziraphale was in desperate need of help as he'd just knocked down half the things on the front counter and he would absolutely die just like that Lovely Chinese Fellow (and that seems like a pretty relevant clue). The shopkeeper only sold it to Aziraphale after Crowley handed him money from Aziraphale's wallet (Aziraphale didn't even try to stop him) and used it to tempt the shopkeeper into going against his instincts.

And in true demon fashion, that immediately backfired because it was only then did he realize Aziraphale was going to need a partner, and he was the only one who could do it. I don't think either of them were thinking about what the trick actually entailed. Aziraphale just saw a gun and was like LET'S DO THIS!

They survived the Bullet Catch in a very human way. They couldn't perform miracles and had very human reactions to the situation, but Aziraphale trusted Crowley with that gun pointed at his head.

And when Aziraphale used a human magic trick to save Crowley from being taken back to Hell by Furfur, he proved that he was willing to go to great lengths to keep Crowley safe even though Crowley was a demon.

This entire time he has been trying to give Crowley a place to call home. He painted the walls of the bookshop yellow because they are the same color as Crowley's eyes, which are also the least human thing about him. He has written about him in his journals and he's openly affectionate with Crowley. He always gives Crowley gentle touches and praises him. He loves Crowley and he's showing him in the most human way he knows how.

And when Crowley is losing Aziraphale, he shows Aziraphale his love in the most human way he can think of.

Heaven and Hell have invaded Whickber Street and put the lives of all the humans at risk. The problem is worse than he thought, and he's going back to try and fix it so that Heaven will actually try to be good for once. Not just pretend-y good, but properly good. Everyone is in danger, and I think when the Metatron mentions the Second Coming, Aziraphale completes the puzzle he's been trying to put together since hearing Jim singing a human song. It makes him understand what Gabriel was running away from, and he's the one who gave Gabriel the freedom to run away with Beelzebub.

And the Metatron is not pleased. Aziraphale introduced free will to demons and angels just as Crowley had introduced free will to humanity.

Aziraphale wants to help spread the idea of love and free will around Heaven so it can be better. He's doing something he believes is right with all his heart. He's been on Earth for more than 6,000 years. He remembers the lessons he learned. He knows shades of grey exist and he wants to use this to make Heaven a better place.

But the other archangels have never respected him, and now he's the Supreme Archangel. He has a chance to make things better, and he has done Crowley's job before. He wants to talk to God. He wants to know what it is she wants. He's tired of hearing everyone else speak for God when no one has spoken to God in thousands of years.

And when he told Crowley his idea, Crowley became angry with him and called him an idiot. What he was saying was not what Crowley was hearing because Crowley was trying to confess his love while Aziraphale was trying to tell Crowley his plan to save everyone.

He only wanted to go back to Heaven when he believed he would be able to take Crowley with him, and he thought reinstating Crowley as an angel was the safest way to keep him from ever having to return to Hell.

None of Aziraphale's actions were malicious. None of his actions were to hurt Crowley. He didn't realize how bad his words sounded because he was saying something completely different than what Crowley was hearing.

All of it was a big misunderstanding. If Aziraphale had not taken the coffee from the Metatron, he would have been choosing death. The Metatron is punishing him for going against Heaven by forcing him to go back. Aziraphale only believed it was a choice when he was told he could bring back Crowley.

Aziraphale had the illusion of choice. He knew the Metatron wasn't taking no for an answer, and when Crowley rejected his offer, he still had to go back anyway. When he looked back at Crowley before stepping on that elevator, he knew he was breaking Crowley's heart by not going back to him, but he had no choice. It broke his heart too.

So now he's stuck in Heaven after having the worst fight with Crowley. He probably feels like no one believes in him. Crowley had called him an idiot and then Crowley kissed him. He's confused because he doesn't understand why Crowley is upset with him, but he's probably tired of everyone underestimating him.

Let Aziraphale be done with this shit. Let him be petty about it. He's not holding back anymore. I want him to push back just as hard and stand up for himself. He has earned the right.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

Hi Mara,

I wanted to say that all of your writing feels extremely genuine, and I am inspired by the honesty and detachment in your retrospective posts, especially when talking about personal—external—influences. I rarely hear others say that their interest in X is simply gone, or admit that they like(d) Y because the ‘context’ seemingly urged them to. A pattern I often notice instead is personal attachment and the unwillingness to let go of ideas and things which no longer resonate or never really have in the first place.

I wish it was easy to distill all of one’s experiences and likes, remember why and how they came to be, be honest as to how one felt about them, separate the wheat from the chaff, and arrive at something that feels truly genuine and ‘you’.

It feels reductive and probably comes with projection on my part, but that’s the impression I get.

Hope the storm didn’t affect you and your family too much.

Good morning, anonymous--thank you very much for such a kind message!

I wrote about this more vaguely in last months subscriber post, reflecting on "how nothing seemed to scare me" lately and how baffling it seemed that people thought Stephen King's Apt Pupil was a terrifying horror story, and incidentally had been thinking about this during the period of having power but having no internet after Hurricane Milton--I had all these videogames I tried to play but realized they all felt completely boring and uninteresting without something to listen (my favorite streamer, my favorite podcast) to while playing (and in turn, that I needed to be doing something somewhat stimulating while listening to something); I had all these anime shows I could be watching, too, but again little interest because they were all just dead boring--and all I could really manage for myself were to read Henry James and rediscover my old Longmont Potion Castle collection to listen to until internet came back;

but, I don't know how much the genuine 'you' matters; I think about something a sculpture professor told me about the hippies and an adage they had that went kill your parents, and the professor added that it was meant not (always) literally, but to disentangle yourself from 'the origin' or: maybe: the most sacred and profane feelings you see yourself as being a-part of;

realizing I basically have zero interest in being an artist might have been a big hurdle for me to disentangle from way-back in Wilderness when I had some ego-fear of losing my identity as Marabarl and what that entailed: divulging everything about myself, being self destructive, seeming crazy, and using it all as oil to art--severing that all seemed like it would drive me more lonely and leave me with nothing but some bare-dry stick of a person that'd few people would be interested in (but glimpsing at this idea also spoke to how 'being an artist' had little to do with my own desire and more to do with maintaining 'connection' with 'invisible others'). I don't know if killing my parent there had left me a more true version of myself, but it severed connections I mostly kept entwined by wholly out of fear of the loneliness or of letting go of a familiar rot and pain. I'm far more boring than the older Mara, because really now all I'd like to do is go to my weekly sandwich shop, cook, clean, read, listen to audiobooks, be monotonously religious, and try to write bad fiction that I never finish because I keep rewriting the same few parts for months at a time.

There's a quote from a book I finished a few days ago, For Thy Great Pain Have Mercy On My Little Pain, by Victoria Mackenzie, that I really loved:

"When the day begins, we say that it is breaking. So with my life. Part of me had to be taken into pieces before I could truly start to live. For in my shewings Jesus had said, 'I shall shatter you for your vain passions and your vicious pride; and after that I shall gather you together and make you humble and meek, pure and holy, be oneing you to me.'

My will was broken and I am glad of it. I am only a thing that moves this broom and sweeps the curled leaves and corpses of insects from one side of my cell to the other."

Each layer of myself, as it seems with age, starts to seem more-and-more to be a vanity that I hold to myself well-after it has separated and shed, out of fear and comfort for the more simple figure that is underneath--morosely, I start to really believe the purest part of my-self comes with death when all has been shed away wholly and the carcass is left as the most simple and un-connected atom of Me, and for others: when the Left are shred out to ash and the Right are ate up to heaven; tears and emotion for the dead, too, a type of vanity over wishing that lost other to not be gone from the identity yet though it is truly just another vain callous now shed and clung-to: Dieth and Daniela who I keep getting mad at in fear of letting go-of;

but even in more simple ways--remembering old loves towards things like Narutaru and not wanting to let go because of how fond and warm they felt just a few years ago, and keeping that old passion around like it were furniture that had gone decrepit past any real function except favor; although, during Hurricane Milton, again between time of Power but no Internet, I rewatched some of FLCL and .hack//sign and wished I could be rewatching Hey Arnold's scary episodes--cause really no-matter how much I think I'm capable of letting go of things that seem all vain, boring, and worthless to the simple self, I am a simple creature who wants comfort in the familiar and to things I've loved and felt loved by. And, luckily, I still love Boogiepop! (I think it's easier to keep a love for those things around because they don't really remind me of bad-times as Narutaru does, but I'd like to always keep an effort to keep Hiroko and cute little Ensof in my heart)

Take care.

[xerith-42]

So What's Glenda's Deal?

I said the last post was a pre-req for later discussions, and that's because I needed that post to demonstrate that Glenda is one of the least thought out elements of Meteli. Meteli itself isn't very thought out, even in its newer forms, beyond what it serves as a narrative device for Laurance and to a lesser extent Cadenza and Sasha. I went on that whole tangent about the Zvahl Sibling Retcon because it shows a failing in taking to account what that retcon does to the story that proceeded it.

And also that post was meant to show the untapped potential of Glenda because she's such a minor part of the series despite having the potential to be fucking life ruining to Cadenza. But because we don't get any information about her basically ever, it can also be easy to forget what impact she actually had. Now that we have the baseline knowledge of Glenda, her appearances, the weirdness around her existence, and the lack of development given to all of that, we can start developing her.

The first and most important question to answer is: When did Glenda become a Shadow Knight?

I proposed several options in that post, and I'm still unsure of where I want to take it. I have this whole series of headcanons about Cadenza and her connection to plants, and how that connection reflects the presence of Shadow Knights around her. If I take that into account, that the presence of these undead creatures starts to wilt the petals on her skin or roses that she grew, then it seems unlikely that Glenda was a Shadow Knight for her entire childhood.

Obviously that's a headcanon and Cadenza in actual canon couldn't have known, but I work within the bounds of my altered version of this reality and I feel like mixing canon and fanon is so par for the course I don't know why I bother defending myself like this

Anyways, if Glenda wasn't a Shadow Knight prior to Cadenza coming into her life, then the most likely time it would have happened would have been when Joh was kidnapped and taken to the Nether. It's said that most of Meteli's guard force went to save him, including Sasha and Castor, and no doubt Glenda as well. She could have been killed in a fight with a Shadow Knight while trying to free Joh and brought back, but it seems unlikely nobody would notice. Not impossible, but unlikely.

Lucky me, I like working with near impossible odds. In the chaos of the Nether it's possible Glenda was killed and brought back without a second between them, forced to fight through because she either hadn't saved Joh yet, or he wasn't out of the Nether yet. I think they were overwhelmed and she easily could have fallen and sprung back up and continued fighting for him, only processing what had truly been done to her once Sasha was dead and they were back home.

Maybe Hayden knew. Maybe he promised to keep her secret because he cared about her, cared about keeping her at his side, cared about her still being a presence in their daughter's life. Glenda would then have to put her all into hiding it, into containing it, into fighting the calling that has tethered onto Cadenza or Hayden or both. Spending every waking moment ensuring that she isn't going to hurt the people she loves, or that she's going to be found out by anyone else.

Maybe Cadenza's roses do wilt when she walks past, so she avoids them. Avoids Cadenza. Calls it "giving her space to grow" when it's really space to keep her safe. If Cadenza's roses are wilting when she's too close, Glenda might fear what happens if she gets too close to Cadenza.

And then Cadenza goes missing.

Then Kenmur starts piping up about wanting to make change in Meteli, about how it's what Cadenza would have wanted when she isn't even there. Glenda may not have to worry about hiding from Cadenza anymore, and she knows Cadenza is alive, but she worries about her every day. Worries every day she's gone, every day Glenda spends keeping Hayden calm, keeping Kenmur from starting shit again, keeping Laurance off her back when he starts getting suspicious of her.

There's always so much she's handling, so much she's carrying. She used to love the weights she carried. The burden of Cadenza's body weight in her arms as she walked through Meteli babbling away about flowers, the heaviness of Cadenza's heart when she pours it out to her mother after it's first been broken. With Cadenza gone, she's still carrying so much, but she doesn't love it. Not like she used to.

And then while she's about to break, while the weight of everything is pushing her into the ground that she's already risen from, a Certain Someone has to write a Certain Clause to a Certain Document that changes everything for Glenda.

Because according to the now revised Oath that she has lived by for her entire adult life, she should end herself now before she can risk hurting Cadenza or Hayden anymore.

But she doesn't know how to kill a Shadow Knight.

So she runs.

She runs because she spent the last year of her life fighting to hold onto everything she cared about and in an instant it was all gone. She runs because without that she has nothing else to go home to. She can't be Hayden's guard, Cadenza is still missing, Joh is dead and Laurance is soon to follow in his or her example.

And when a Shadow Knight is alone and vulnerable and terrified of killing their family, that's when the Calling and the manipulative voices in her head start doing their work. That's when she starts losing the control she spent nearly a year of her life fighting, and she starts becoming susceptible to... Alternative means.

Wouldn't it be so much easier without those chains? Without that burden? If she let go of it all, severed herself from the people she loves, she'll never have to carry anything anymore. She'll be free of any weight that the world has unfairly put upon her, and she'll be allowed to live however she pleases.

But the life she wants to live can't exist if she severs those connections. She just wants to go back to living with Hayden, to spending late nights listening to Laurance and Cadenza yap by the fire place, to protecting the people she loves because that's how she measures her own value. If she kills them all, what does she have left?

This is why it takes her so long to act. Why Laurance can go to hell and back and Cadenza can be brought to her original form. Because Glenda can't actually decide whether or not it's worth it to kill Cadenza or Hayden. It's a possibility she'll consider, but one that she's still supremely hesitant to act on. For most of her time in isolation in the wilderness, Glenda isn't swayed by her calling the way a normal knight is.

The isolation gives her more room to breathe, think, and communicate with her calling. To try and reason with it and with herself for trying to reason with it. Even when she's alone Glenda is still fighting for something better for her family. She's still putting herself through constant mental anguish and trying to fight a seemingly unstoppable force just to put off the inevitable fate that she's been grappling with since that fateful day in the Nether.

Glenda would rather do anything than kill Cadenza.

So she makes her own plan. Pretends to murder Hayden to draw Cadenza to Meteli, but makes sure that her plans don't harm Hayden in a life threatening way. Because even if she's drawing Cadenza out to seemingly sacrifice her, she's still unable to fully hurt the man she spent so much of her life protecting. And when she captures the now alone Cadenza and takes her to the Nether portal...

And this is where I get really into headcanons--

Glenda wasn't going to kill Cadenza.

She was told by the Shadow Lord, by her calling, by that whisper in her ear that she could have everything she wanted without killing her family. If she just draws the magic out of Cadenza, maybe that will be enough to light the portal without killing her. Maybe then she'll be able to go to the Nether, slaughter whoever she has to to make this voice stop, and then go back to the life she's still desperately grasping onto.

Of course there's no real way for anyone else to know that she wasn't going to hurt Cadenza. The only person who could've thought that is Hayden, who's unconscious behind the wall. Aphmau sees her and shows instant hostility, so it is returned.

The canon of Minecraft Diaries never specifies how to kill a Shadow Knight, but my personal interpretation says that they need a blade blessed by the divine, bonus points if it's blessed by Irene. And you'll never guess what Aphmau woke up outside of Phoenix Drop with in her inventory--

Aphmau is able to kill Glenda. She's able to end her life and throw her body into the lava pit around them before Laurance gets there or Cadenza wakes up. She's able to protect Cadenza from the image of her mother as a monster, and they're all able to safely return home at the end of the day.

That's where Glenda's story seemingly ends.

Although...

It never is that simple is it?

After all, she got what she wanted. Cadenza is still alive. But at what cost? At the cost of every member of her family being threatened or killed by Shadow Knights, some of them becoming Shadow Knights, one of them trying to hurt her. Cadenza was taught to value the family she had after she lost her first one and now she's lost nearly every member of her family all fucking over again.

Poor girl.

[canonicallyobserving911]

Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON FanFic: Buddie Multi-Chapter - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 29 will be posted soon.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Currently 28 chapters completed: 1.77M Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

#1 {Previous snippet}

#2 {Previous snippet}

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I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 29 because at the end of Chapter 28, it was early in the morning and Buck and Eddie were lying in bed having a serious conversation about whether Eddie's going to delay the pursuit of his second paramedic certification, the ACP-C. Buck doesn't want him to give up his dream, especially now since they know what caused Buck's bradycardia and he's on medication. He's doing better and even though he's still grieving, he believes once he passes the last two stages of grief, Frank may clear him to return to work but he's still not sure if he wants to go back to being a firefighter. Also, Eddie's FMLA ends on January 31, 2024 but the question is will he extend it or return to the 118?

Additionally, Chris is still dealing with one of his classmate's lack of participation in their video game project and it's stressing him out. Furthermore, during their last group therapy session, Buck had a conversation with Captain Jeshan Mehta and he asked him if they could meet so he can get an objective viewpoint from someone about whether he could be a captain someday with the LAFD. He decided not to ask Bobby since he doesn't believe he'll give him an objective viewpoint because in September 2022, he told him he needed more life experience. Things are getting interesting as the Diaz family gets closer to their "New Beginnings".

__________

Here's a little more from Chapter 29 of Buck and Chris while they're inside of Super Target.

___________

“I’m not… ”  Buck replies but he trails off when his Apple Watch beeps.

“What’s that?”

“None of your damn business!”

“I have an Apple Watch too and that sounds like a heart monitor warning.  I guess it makes sense that you would be wearing one since your heart stopped last year.”

“I’ve already warned you but I’m going to say it again just in case you missed it.  If you ever come near my son again, it’s over for you!”

“Hmm, you know if there weren’t any security cameras in this damn store, I’d do whatever’s necessary to stop your heart again but this time, no one would be here to restart it.”

“If you think you’re bold enough, just fucking try it and watch me break your damn neck.”  He sternly replies.

Suddenly, an unknown voice booms from behind Buck.  “Excuse me?!  Is everything, ok here?!”

Neither of them look in that direction but Buck believes it’s a security guard because he can also hear Chris’ crutches.

“I meant what I said… if you ever come near my son again, I’ll kill you and that’s a promise.”  He whisper shouts with so much venom in his voice he knows they understand he means business.

They plaster a fake smile on their face, look over Buck’s shoulder at the security guard and says, “Yes sir… everything’s ok.  We’re just catching up but I got what I came for so I’m leaving now.”  Then they smirk at Buck, turn around and walk away.

Buck keeps watching until they leave the aisle, then he turns around and before he has the chance to focus, his knees buckle but he manages to remain standing.  When he looks at the security guard, he sees a tall man with big muscles and he also sees Chris is not too far away from him.  He’s standing with a woman who’s wearing a red shirt with khakis pants and he can see her name tag too.

His vision starts to close and everything around him starts to look fuzzy the same way it did the morning he read Malone’s letter.  He feels it as his heart rate plummets and he knows it’s happening because his Apple Watch starts continuously beeping.

“Buck, are you ok?”  Chris asks in a high pitched voice.

His knees buckle again but he manages to stay upright.  His chest is hurting and he can feel the tug of death trying to take him back to a place he doesn’t want to go.

While maintaining eye contact with Chris, he forces himself to say, “Chr—is, Chr… call—call… dad for me… and—and ask… him to come quick… pleaseee!”

He watches as Chris removes his phone from his pocket and he also sees two people swiftly walk past him, the security guard and the employee.

“Excuse us coming through!”  A tall man with snow white hair exclaims.

He approaches Buck, stands in front of him and greets, “Sir, my name is Dr. Keith Dawson, I’m a cardiologist and I work at Cedars Sinai Hospital.  Me and my daughter, Ashley Dawson, she’s a nurse practitioner at First Presbyterian, we were on the next aisle and we heard your Apple Watch beeping, so we rushed over.  Are you having any chest pain?”

Buck’s eyes are wide, they’re filled with tears and he can tell he’s profusely sweating but he’s having a hard time speaking.

“Nod, if you can hear me.”

He nods.

“That’s good and thank you for responding.  Now I see you have a medic alert note attached to your watch, do you mind if I read it?”

He slowly shakes his head no.

Dr. Dawson quickly familiarizes himself with his medical information but when he notices Buck start to sway, he asks, “Sir, can you help me lay him down please?” 

The security guard moves and he gets to Buck just in time before he collapses.

They lay him down on the floor and Ashley hands him the sweater she’s wearing over her scrubs and the security guard removes his jacket.  Dr. Dawson puts the sweater underneath his head and the jacket underneath his ankles.

Buck’s fighting, he’s trying to remain conscious but with every second the pull at the back of his head gets stronger and he knows he’s going to lose consciousness soon.

Dr. Dawson is checking his pulse and he loudly asks, “Does this store have an AED?”

When Buck looks at Ashley, he forces himself to say, “I—I need someone to—to protect my… son!”

Ashley looks at Chris and asks, “He’s your dad?”

“Yes.”

“What’s his name?”

“Evan Diaz but he goes by Buck.”

“Thank you.”

When someone hands Dr. Dawson the AED, the Target employee who’s standing with Chris walks closer and she has Chris right by her side.

“CHR—IS?”  Buck cries.

“Buck! I’m here and I’m on the phone with dad.”

“Sir, my name is Kelsy Stromer and I’m the store manager.  Your son is safe and he’ll be with me until the ambulance arrives.  I’ll make sure he rides to the hospital with you.”

“CH—RIS!”  He says one last time as his eyes close and the darkness takes him.

What's going to happen next? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Is Buck going to wake up this time? 👀

Did the person threatening him and his family leave the store or are they still watching? 🙃

___________

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.

Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.

Chapter 29 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Read chapters 1-28 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[girlfailurefelix]

what gave you the idea for borrowed time? did you have any other plans for it? (aka yap about it all you want)

so actually! i had been thinking about it conceptually for like two weeks before i wrote any of it (i was complaining to my sib about it cuz i was embarrassed to write since i hadn’t since i was a preteen/young teen lol) and it just drove me absolutely nuts cuz i couldn’t stop thinking about it at work.

just gonna establish now since it gets confusing: greg ≠ gregory. i treat them as two different characters in the same body. so i will not use them interchangeably on this ask, just like i don’t in my fic

cut because i am going to YAP

i wrote chapter one as an attempt to stop myself from thinking about it further (i was originally going to kill tony off and have it be a oneshot, either post-pizzaplex escape much like security breach’s bad ending c̶u̶z̶ ̶s̶o̶u̶l̶m̶a̶t̶i̶s̶m̶ or have him end up getting chased to the fire escape and yk, you can fill in the blank on that one. blah blah blah insert something here about tony’s very interesting, incredibly weird intro in the book. i’m still trying to figure that one out cuz other themes in the book [the celtic stuff specifically. this is a huge thing for me and i can go off about how it’s used in the book, but that’s for another post if yall want that] make that interesting if we didn’t know how ggy kills from the therapist tapes. actually, even though you can’t see it, this is how he dies in my cotard’s solution animatic. the knife in it wasn’t for killing him lol, his ass went off the roof [hence “i wanna make my murder look like a suicide”], but now i’m getting sidetracked). but one thing led to another and i wrote chapter 6 and the epilogue.

Chapter 4 was my last written chapter (hence why i don’t bother uploading individual chapters and just drop whole stories at once) if you don’t count editing several parts of chapter 1 (small tweaks for clarity purposes, not huge minus what i mentioned above. debated making this one two chapters but ended up keeping them together as a big one cuz it didn’t make as much sense when split up) and chapter 5 (i originally wrote the car ride to the pizzaplex cuz i thought it would be funny to make tony flip a tit and go hellaciously slow with the fear that he’d get pulled over cuz yk. twelve. but i figured it was too boring and discarded it).

the original title was actually a different song name. (super embarrassing but it was a hollywood undead song -another way out. i might use this later for a different, more fitting fic- cuz it helped me come up with a lot of the smaller details within chapter 1)

i did name it after the song from the death note musical cuz it can be interpreted about being about both tony and gregory. i meant it about gregory personally cuz at the end he quite literally is living on borrowed time (since tony’s death is the reason he’s able to get away from vanny. very remisa.), but tony is too throughout the entire fic, since obviously it’s an extension of his original implied lifespan (you’re welcome, you little shit.) and also cuz he’s putting up with (and being worn down by) greg’s shit the entire time in order to save gregory, even at the risk of his own safety, and i think that lines up really well too.

the chapters also all had individual names but too many were deathnote so i got embarrassed (og title of chapter 4 was the game begins lol, which is why the last sentence of chapter 3 was what it was)

color was SOOOO important. like the names i used were incredibly specific. i really wanted to emphasize how dead greg’s eyes are vs gregory, also how tony was losing steam cuz yk. traumatizing.

i based tony’s mom on mine lol. and she and my sib picked up on that immediately after they both read it (i didn’t have a beta cuz i didn’t take criticism or editing, but i did let them read it immediately) i know she doesn’t check on tony in the book when he sneaks out, but i figured that’s her giving him space, and i loveeeee projecting so that was reflected in the mom parts. mother’s instinct and all that. she totally knew greg was weird after the first night, he wasn’t just bullshitting on that part, but again, space (and yet another projection from a specific experience of my own).

greg. let’s fucking talk about greg. FIRST, he was gonna kill tony’s ass the whole time, despite chapter 4’s events. that was him being manipulative because i just don’t think greg *wouldn’t* notice tony’s behavior. as i wrote, he’s NOT subtle, even in actual canon. he meant what he said when he called him useful, and he certainly didn’t like feeling rejected, but don’t let him fool you, he doesn’t actually like tony. tony actually mentions this in chapter 2 as a possibility and much like his instincts in the actual book, he was right. it was just about dragging it out to make it worse on tony and getting something out of him as a bonus. i like to think of him as building on gregory’s original personality cuz virus, so he’s not that different, but he’s like,, worse if that makes sense. like the worst parts of gregory, amplified. with some killing, yk.

speaking of tony guessing, he was absolutely BULLSHITTING with the greg vs gregory shit. denial is not just a river, he just happened to be right. cuz seriously, he was two seconds from cracking anyway, i mean little dude is SO traumatized, especially at this point.

so gregory. he was able to communicate when half asleep cuz i think that greg/the actual virus would want him to experience the nightmares and such (agony continuing to feed the virus. yk. fnaf shit) to keep him in line. so this is the small window of opportunity he would have to even be a person, much less attempt to save himself. he’s miserable in this state though cuz tired and unable to be fully awake lol. also he can see everything greg does, hence knowing tony and trusting him, but he can’t really do anything about it. he’s always present though.

ellis wasn’t in this besides mentions because of multiple reasons. 1, i wanted to make it clear how much greg was isolating him. like that’s on purpose. 2, it would’ve gotten too convoluted to have tony protecting both of them in this specific case. and 3, i knew i wanted it to loop to security breach, so ellis would’ve interfered with that unless i killed him off. regardless of the fact that i personally see him dying in addition to tony as the canon post-ggy events [cuz let’s be real, regardless of if he believed it, he read tony’s paper. that’s a loose end and a disaster for greg waiting to happen. i don’t think he would risk it, especially since tony’s immediate disappearance would be sus as fuck.], i didn’t feel like killing him off needlessly.

so i actually sobbed after re-reading the end. giggled and kicked my feet about how awful it would be while writing it, but rest assured, it kicked my ass after. like to the point that i considered scrapping it and letting them get out safe (which is where the AU with Sunlight on Your Skin came in), but i knew this was the proper ending for both of them. greg ended up getting his way in the most fucked up way (tony was useful.) but also failing in the same breath, tony got to save gregory (giving him a far more satisfying character arc than his original, meaningless death. also fulfilling the void left by the guilt from not being able to help his dad’s fate), and gregory got saved, even if it was a hollow, tragic “victory” for him.

also i originally was going to have greg fatally wound tony as he won the game, but i wanted to bring in vanny (cuz of the “friends” comment from the beginning and it being brought up again by greg in one of the middle chapters) cuz A) i love my wife and B) it felt /too/ sad and angsty to the point of overkill (no pun intended)

oh. and gregory does actually like tony back, he wasn’t just saying it cuz wanting to escape and then him dying. just so we’re all aware. maybe not at that point as much as tony does (and not as much as he does in sunlight on your skin’s au continuation, cuz actually actively getting to be himself would help.), but it would’ve worked out if tony didn’t yk, kick the bucket. sorry if that makes his death worse.

[forthesanityofstorytellers]

OC Reddit AITA Tag Game!

Thanks goes to @mysticstarlightduck for the tag here!

Gently tagging: @avoidingcertaindoom // @winterandwords // @stesierra

@harleyacoincidence // @valentinerose529 // @queerlilchinchin

@concealeddarkness13 // @adie-dee

(AND OPEN TAG)

Rules: Make an Am I The Asshole post (look at r/amita for examples if you haven’t seen them ) for an OC

And the OC wheel calls out for Lily!

(One of Becks' kids)

So:

AITA for looking for my mom?

So, it's probably not what you think. First for context (and I'm trusting you with this info, don't spread it around, that's not cool); I'm a 244 F but I look about...maybe 15. It's a whole magical bloodline thing, don't worry about it. Anyway, soon after I was born my "real" mom ran off and left me in a cave where my "adopted" - and I have it in quotes because really, she's my real mom, idc what anyone says or if she's blood or whatever - mom found me. We stayed together for a long time, and somewhere around the...maybe early 1900s I think they say, we got split up. There were mages hunting me down because I'm some kind of abomination (which was shorthand for "we don't understand her existence") and mom finally got cornered between the mages hunting us and an old ex that was really really mean and tried to kill me showing up and basically putting mom in that corner. So she did her thing, got me to safety, and got herself captured to take the heat off me.

I was maybe 50 at the time and looked like I was 10.

So of course I wound up in the system. And I got out of the system. And got shoved back in it. And broke out. Learned how to hack when computers came around so I could take myself out of the CPS database which only worked about half the time. Mom taught me how to get around people, how to do things like pick locks and the best ways to get out of a house fast, where to hit people to make them go down, how to use my surroundings against hunters, etc. Basic survival stuff, really, as we were on the run all the time. So when I wasn't hacking the system I was jimmying open windows and cutting screens, and sometimes encouraging other foster kids to come with me - but only in the houses that really weren't good foster houses. I got to learn how to see the good ones from the bad ones real quick and had no problem drawing the line. Might've set a few of those houses on fire.

But when I wasn't doing that, I was living on the streets and doing two things; whatever it took to survive, and whatever it took to find my mom. This meant tracking down leads, following rumors, kidnapping people, and working for some...really really not good guys. Magical and not. Like at one point I found myself working for a vampiress that was aiming at taking over the entire vampire community so she could rule them all?? I guess??? Anyway that was against my will but the only reason I crossed paths with her in the first place is because I was on the streets and I stole her wallet to buy some food. Another point saw me get involved with an annoying trickster thief "guy" and he told me he'd help in trade for me giving him info on some of the other organizations I'd been in. Be his spy, basically. And another point I worked for a bookie...and then again I was helping some dealers by getting into high school chem labs and stealing the equipment...and helped an arsonist escape...and joined a carjacking ring...um...Well let's just say I broke the law. Several kinds of laws. A lot. And people got hurt. A lot.

But I didn't mean it. And I did what I could to minimize the damage. To help people when I could to try and balance out everything. I never willingly, intentionally hurt people, and I always made sure to look out for kids younger than me.

All I ever was trying to do was find my mom. Make sure she was okay. The people hunting us were...I just didn't want to see her punished because I made a stupid kid mistake. And I wanted to get her back.

I just wanted my mom back.

[boxwinebaddie]

Hi Uncle Neen! HYH! It sucks to see you struggling cuz you are a big inspiration of mine :( but you said you did your makeup the other day. Can we seeeeeeeeee maybe?

d'awwww ksahdlkdss, you are so sweet, nonnie! thank you so so soooo much, baby! xx i really needed this. i hope i heal ( i will...i have to, i am too much of an asshole to let god win, fuck him ) and i hope you heal from whatever harms you as well! you can do it! mWAH!~

-- also brb crying ;-; <3333 whenever y'all tell me i inspire you, it seriously makes me want to cry; you mean SO much to me, so to mean so much to you; it's Everything to me, my love. thank you for believing in me, know i believe infinitely in YOU and will keep fighting the good fight, living authentically and modelling pos behavior on this blog bc i take being a role model very seriously. :')

BUT ANYWAYS! sakhdlasd oh my god aaAaaAAAaa please!!! YOU ARE SO CUTE, THIS IS SO CUTE OF YOU, hELP AAAAA!!!!!! but yes, of course, of course. considering i am super bacteria nina right now and had to resign from my ( admittedly ) trash job and am no longer, at this moment, an education girlie ( besides on here, ofc, educating you on my two gay sons in love ), i can freely exist and post pictures of myself again! thank you for for giving me a safe place to do that. <3

i'll elaborate on what 'safe' means to me down below, but just for context i took this...sigh...last week, when i was told i would 'all better', just trying to feel like myself again after a month of being unmadeup and unfitted and ugly and troll-like and on death fucking row and fucking miserable as hell, i had my new hair appointment lined up, was about ready to take life by the balls again...and that shit BLUE BALLED ME SO HARD AND SAID *ravenstan vc* JK, BABY!

okay, sorry i have some really bad scarring and wounding up there by my neck so i had to cover her up but...there she is! the she beast!

as for posting pictures of myself just...please...PLEASE BE KIND. and i wish i meant that as a joke, i mean it very, VERY seriously. i am at a point right now, where i look my very fucking worst, i am weaker than i have ever been in my life, there are abrasions all over my body, which per the results of my culture ( i was right...several fucking times and no one would listen to me ) my body is trying to kill me and right now...it is Winning. ( i'm not gonna lose tho, dw, i am a nasty bitch from hell and i refuse to die this ugly, i fucking won't; choke )

tldr; I AM VERY VERY VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HOW I LOOK. I DO NOT FEEL PRETTY, I AM LIKE ONE BAD COMMENT AWAY FROM TEARING THE SKIN OFF MY FACE AND I AM TELLING YOU GUYS I CANNOT DO THAT, I CANT CREATE ANY TEARING ON MY BODY OR THE BACTERIA WILL TUNNEL AND ITS HARD ENOUGH AS A BITCH WITH DERMATILOMANIA.

PLEASE BE NICE TO ME.

i know we shoot the shit on here and are funny and clown eachother, you guys are my family; it's what families do, but my boundary is that you can say i am pretty and be objectively kind or Please do not send me anything At ALL about how i look; i CANNOT take it rn. i know were just joking, but please, please, PLEASE Do NOT compare me to any ugly creatures, make me feel weird about any part of my face, tell me i look blurry, say anything is too big or too small…

please don’t meme on me abt my appearance...Ever.

it’s a very sensitive spot for me and makes me v anxious.

all this to say, i love you; thank you for being my home.

HYH.

-uncle nina, single ravesey mother and human petri dish