#but then he like tried to fucking psychoanalyze me and say i was like a flawed individual and just tried to infer all this shit about me

[palmettoshenanigans]

Is this an unpopular opinion? Is this a hot take??? I don't know if it is but I'm going to say it anyway,

I've read several AU!AFTG fics where writers try to mimic Neil's cut throat tongue lashings. They try to create their own "You know, I get it moment" whether with existing characters or OCs or whatever

Rarely do they pull it off. In fact, most miss the mark by a mile.

And it's not because they're bad at writing insults, they aren't. They can craft insults just like the rest of us, with varying degrees of success and scathing derogatory language. It's that the insults they use are generally applicable to most people and get their punch by being rife with curse words.

That's not how Neil does it.

Neil's insults are bespoke!!! (A bespoke suit is one where fabric isn't even cut until we know your exact measurements, this suit is for you, so let me write down every tidbit of relevant information about you and your body before I even start picking out thread)

Neil basically psychoanalyzed someone, noticed all their strengths, weaknesses, fears, hopes and dreams, complexes and traumas that he could get his little hands on, and honed the perfect sentence to bypass all their surface layer feelings and find their Inner Child like a fucking sniper and shot that crying baby in the forehead

That's why it hurts!!! Neil wouldn't call some one ugly as an insult even though that's an insult that has a wide AOE - it'll hit lots of folks. Neil would only call some ugly if it would strike home at their inner most traumatic childhood issues - Neil would call you ugly if he knew your mother called you ugly since birth and told you your only chance at earning love is by becoming hot and your dad told you you were so unskilled you couldn't even make a supermodel pretty if you tried giving them a makeover cus you're just that useless at making change. Yeah, Neil would call you ugly at that point.

Kevin didn't try to strangle Neil cus he called him a slur for disabled people, it pissed him off but it didn't really strike a nerve.

Kevin tried to strangle Neil cus he called him a "deadweight has been" and that struck all his nerves.

If you wanna write your own "You know, I get it" you can't just be insulting. You gotta be traumatizing. You can't just be mean to an adult being an asshole. You gotta be mean to a little kid who's already crying.

Only a couple of fic writers have pulled it off as far as I've read.

[klanced]

“Keith is like a little purse dog to lesbians” where do these thoughts in your head come from? I’d give me heart, body and soul, to one day perhaps understand even a sliver of your operation.

there's just something about voltron specifically that gives me access to the sublime

[garyfischy]

god people online are freaks

[skiddlecat]

i need to shut up about this fucking 🌮 but taco's tirade is so funny to me. it starts with her saying to not psychoanalyze her and to worry about the contestants instead. she calls herself the debris of a defective outcast and a reckless antichrist. it's full of moments where she gets a little too vulnerable and switches to talking about the contestants immediately upon realizing this. she Clearly hates herself. she doesn't trust the recovery system. she suddenly drops that she views herself as completely irredeemable. the second chorus involves taco changing the subject back to the other contestants while mepad desperately tries (and fails) to keep the topic on the bombshell she just dropped. she is still insistent that the contestants are the ones with the problems. ends everything in an "i'm fine". proceeds to shut mepad up before he can respond to that statement. no one does it quite like her

[moongothic]

Yeah hello hi I've been falling deep into the Crocodad Rabbithole and my brain is being consumed by small crocodile-shaped worms

So I've done what any reasonable person would do, I went back to rewatch some scenes from Alabasta and Marinford to psychoanalyze Crocodile and try to figure out what the fuck his deal is because genuinely the more I think about it the more questions I have and the more I want answers. And because I'm deranged I need to write all my thoughts down into an incoherent essay and release it into the world

So please, come along with me while and let's be Extremely Normal About Sir Crocodile Together and speculate about his ~Secret Past~

Quick note, my quickest access to some of these episodes is either through unsubbed episodes (not bothering with getting screenshots since there's no subs, also my Japanese is plenty good enough to not need it here) or through Ancient, Questionable Fansubs so don't get too hung up on the phrasing in the subbed screenshots- like they're not entirely inaccurate but y'know

The reason I want to do this is just that... Like I've been a fan of OP since 2008, when I was in middle school. I don't think I ever really tried to think deeper about this series in general at that time, because I was a kid. For a long time to me Crocodile had just been Some Greedy Asshole who tried to take over a country to obtain a tool of mass destruction and IDK destroy the world? Just a very classic Bad Guy McVillianMan, because I had not bothered to think about his character and question anything before.

But now I have brainworms due to the Crocodad Theory, and this is fucking One Piece, you never fucking know how deep a rabbithole can go with this bloody series. So let's go, let's try to figure out what the fuck is Crocodile's deal, because I need to get these brainworms out of my fucking system

I just want to start with this one quick throw-away line because it's kind of a sidenote. Also like. This is such a funny fucking thing for Crocodile to say if he is Luffy's dad. Like.

That's so fucking funny if he's Luffy's dad holy shit

But what really gets me here is that like... Like while I'm like 70% sure Crocodile is trans, there's still a part of me that's like "there's no fucking way Crocodad is real". Let alone, this be some kind of a hint Oda planted to suggest that this early on. Like it sounds absurd. And yet at this point in One Piece, Oda had already started planning out and laying out the groundwork for so many lore and plot-relevant concepts, ranging from shit like everything about Robin, the Poneglyphs, the Ancient Weapons etc. He had already started the "Prince Sanji ARG" (aka dropping the tiniest fucking hints to Sanji's Hidden Backstory that people were able to pick up on and make accurate predictions with about Sanji's backstory). There's fucking Laboon, and about a bajillion other things. And possibly most importantly, by this point Oda had already revealed both Luffy's father and grandfather to the readers, not to mention he even introduced Ace and vaguely hinted at Sabo! It's not like Oda had everything perfectly planned out from the very begining, that is objectively not the case at all. But it also literally would not be unlike Oda to drop hints to a character's backstory like this. He has been doing that for years, and had already started by the time we met Crocodile. Like it feels insane and yet it's perfectly plausible. And if he had Luffy's dad, grandfather and two siblings planned out in his head already at this point, it should not be that much of a stretch to believe that Oda knows and no doubt has known for the past two decades who Luffy's mom is (regardless of if that's Crocodile or not)

All this to say. Crocodile's comment about what Cobra said to Vivi when they reunited is a funny, sarcastic comment. But it would take a whole new meaning if Crocodad was real. Because it really would be perfectly normal if he did/had wondered what he would say to his long lost child if they were ever reunited. And really that just makes his roast turn sad.

Anyways

In Alabasta, we do get a very clear image that Crocodile does not like the World Government, not just because he's a Big Meanie Pirate who wants to conquer the world, but because he does seem to look down on how the Marines + World Government do their "justice" (which, y'know, knowing what we know now about the Government. Fair. That's entirely fair.)

He also dislikes Vivi's "idealism" of wanting to save everyone without bloodshed or anyone losing their lives (especially for her sake)

We learn that he is a broken man with broken dreams. Also he seems to be aware where he (supposedy) belongs in the Grand Line's power hierarchy, as in, he needs Pluton because he knows he's not strong enough in combat that he could take down anyone, let alone the World Government by himself (though he would still make a beeline for Whitebeard's head the second he saw him at Marinford, which, y'know, bold move)

And of course, we learn in Impel Down that Crocodile and Iva-chan have some beef. We can not say for 100% sure what that beef is (like the theory he's trans is very obvious and plausible, but until Oda spills the beans we won't know for a fact what the beef is), but we know that they knew each other. And if Crocodile knew Iva-chan, a high-ranking founding member of the Revolutionary Army, then it is genuinely plausible that Crocodile could also have known Dragon and/or been a member of the Revolutionary Army as well.

Since overthrowing the World Nobles and the Government are the Revolutionary Army's goal, the fact that they're trying to obtain weapons and people for their cause etc, Crocodile's view of the Government and his "Operation Utopia" does kind of align with the Revolutionary Army's

But we did also learn from Iva that "Crocoboy" isn't quite trustworthy. Needless to say, even if Croc used to be a part of the Army, he most certainly left YEARS ago, and clearly not on good terms.

Also, an interesting note, is that at Marineford when Luffy and co finally arrive at the battlefield (episode 466, 17:25 minutes in), when Garp spots the group, he makes a specific comment about Crocodile being there together with the revolutionaries and the prison escapees, believing they can't all be here to fight for the same cause. Which is an interesting thing for him to point out specifically. Like Jinbei was another powerful person who entered that battlefield at the same time, and while Jinbei did clarify to Sengoku that he's quitting being a Shichibukai and was there to save Ace, it's still maybe a little odd Garp didn't think it was worth mentioning that Jinbei had also "allied" with the prison escapees and the revolutionaries to enter the battlefield. Like it was Crocodile only whom he thought needed to be pointed out. I don't think Garp's comment adds at all to Crocodad because it would frankly make little to no sense (like we're all assuming Crocodile didn't know Dragon's lastname, which is why he never realized Luffy was his son (despite knowing Luffy's lastname), but if Crocodile knew Garp was Dragon's father then surely he'd realize Dragon's lastname would be Monkey, right), but it could maybe add to the idea that Crocodile might've been a part of the Revolutionary Army in the past, as Garp could be aware of something like that, thus he'd be puzzled by Crocodile's presencee. Point is, it's an interesting comment, make of it what you will

EDIT 2: Ended up going back to reread parts of Marineford and turns out ^that^ was an anime-only addition from Toei. Like Garp does make a comment about how these people probs aren't at the battlefield for the same reasons but did not specifically point out Crocodile or anything. So. I wasted enough time adding these paragraphs to the post, I ain't deleting 'em. But y'know.

EDIT: Minor addition, because I just remembered how Crocodile really went like out of his way to taunt Vivi about how she "can't stop the rebellion" and save her people. Which, y'know, is a perfectly normal Villian Thing To Do. But we know Crocodile does not think fondly of the World Nobles just like he dislikes the Government. Even if Cobra was a "good monarch" who genuinely cared for his people, he was still a king, and the Nefertari family and the Kingdom of Alabasta were a part of the World Government. The thing Crocodile specifically wanted to destroy. And this is just another one of those "surely that wasn't somekinda foreshadowing" but god fucking dammit what if Crocodile telling a(n unknowing) representative of the World Government that she can't stop "the rebellion", or the revolution if I may, (regardless of if he's allied with them or not) was actually meant to be like foreshadowing. Oda I swear to fucking god---

Anyway, so, Crocodile might've been a part of the Revolutionary Army at one point (the army was formed after the Ohara Incident 22 years ago, and for Crocodad Theorizing, Luffy was born 19 years ago), but if he did he must have left on bad terms for unknown reasons, and we can tell that although his goals in general could vaguely match that of the Revolutionaries, his methods most certainly don't.

Whether or not his methods and his worldview tie to his leaving the Army is unknown. Because we don't really know when and how his worldview was formed.

Like did Crocodile leave the Army because he became a cynical asshole who was willing to make any kind of sacrifice for his goals (thus he no longer fit in with the rest of the Revolutionary Army), realized he was far too weak to ever become Pirate King and thus decided to go looking for Pluton? Or did Crocodile suggest to the Army they should try to obtain an Ancient Weapon to keep casulties to a minimum (still in line with the Army), only ending up getting kicked out (big weapon bad), and soon realizing he had no chance at making a change in the world without "cracking a few eggs"?

Like it doesn't nececarily make a massive difference,, since the end result is still the same, but it does kind of affect the context and how one might view him, right

Of course, there's then the Forbidden Third Option, that Crocodile left due to

Gender issues (internalized shame of being trans and not having it in him to stay around people who had known him)

Postpartum depression

Dragon just divorced Crocodile either due to being straight (in a sad, accepting way) or due to being simply unaccepting and frankly homophobic, regardless, Crocodile leaves with a broken heart

Something else and/or a combo of the above, really, we could speculate endlessly here about what could've happened

(Though I will say that Crocodile's '"trust issues"' and how he views people as disposable could like. I dunno. Be explained if he had gone through some heartbreak and was left permanently unable to open up to people, let alone trust anyone)

I dunno, there's a lot of options, a lot of things to considder.

But there is one more thing that I do want to note on as it could potentially debunk the Crocodad Theory entirely.

It's that Iva-chan didn't know Dragon had a son.

(Episode 441, 9:50 minutes) By which I mean, Iva-chan wasn't shocked to find out Luffy was Dragon's son, rather, they were shocked there was a son to begin with. (To the point they thought Ace was also Dragon's son until Luffy cleared it up for them later) While it's not a massive leap to believe that Crocodile and Dragon knew each other (since Crocodile knew Iva-chan), nor is it a massive leap to believe that Iva-chan transed Crocodile's gender after having Luffy... It does become a bit of a leap to believe Iva-chan didn't know about Dragon having a child with Crocodile before giving Croc the Magic HRT. Like if they had a relationship that resulted in a baby and a divorce, how did Iva not know about any of it, especially when it's more than likely that Iva could not have transitioned Crocodile until after the baby was born (let's not think about how Iva-chan's powers would work on a pregnant person too much)

We do also get this flashback (in episode 441, immidiately after Luffy reveals his dad's identity to Iva) where Iva-chan questions Dragon about how he always stares out towards East Blue when the wind blows, wondering if Dragon has family out there whom he's thinking about (Dragon refusing to comment on it). This does very much confirm that regardless of who Dragon had Luffy with, Iva has no fucking clue who, where and how any of that happened. And althought I personally feel like Iva not knowing would debunk Crocodad, if Crocodile still somehow was Luffy's dad, Iva-chan would canonically not know about it. If Iva didn't know Dragon had a relationship that resulted in a baby, then regardless of if Iva even knew Crocodile got pregnant once, they would not be able to connect those dots.

Now let's be clear, there's many potential scenarios where Crocodad could still be real, scenarios that could explain why and how Iva-chan didn't know about Luffy nor about Dragon and Crocodile having a relationship*. Like it would not be difficult at all to come up with an explanation for it. But in my mind, I feel like the more you have to figure out and explain how the theory could still be plausible, the less plausible it actually feels. Like the more I need to go out of my way to explain it, the more forced it seems.

*(For example, maybe the two kept their relationship a secret, and when Crocodile got pregnant he """left on a mission""" that happened to take like 4-10 months, during the time realizing he was trans. Once the baby had arrived he returned the baby to Dragon in secret for him to deal with, got a divorce for one reason or another*, and sought out Iva-chan to start a new life, Iva thus never found out about anything, just knew that Crocodile left one day after coming out. Like that's one plausible scenario.)

*Hey remember the potential Forbidden Reasons to why Crocodile might've left the Army? What if it was Dragon's and/or Crocodile's idea? Remember how when Jinbei is trying to escape Marinford with the unconcious Luffy, Crocodile tells Jinbei to do better job at "protecting those he wants to protect", a line that felt really sudden and odd coming from Crocodile of all people? What if the two knew their child would be in grave danger if he was ever raised within the army (absolutely not a place for a baby)? What if they knew their baby would become a target for the World Government to hunt, much like Roger's lost child was, if the Government found out Dragon had a baby? What if they wanted to make sure nothing bad ever happened to their baby and were willing to do anything to protect the baby? Even if it meant they'd never see their child grow up? Even if it meant hiding your child from your best friend, pretending to have a horrible fallout with them and transing your gender because Oda doesn't know what gender dysphoria is? Just so nobody would ever find out you had a child?

Mind you. I do not want anybody to think this is an actual argument for Crocodad. Like I could write a dozen different fanfics about how Crocodile could be Luffy's other dad, and they would all be just as much pure speculation with nothing to support them as the above suggestions. It is an example of what could have happened, and a deeply interesting thought, but it is just a theory at best.

In the end, it doesn't really matter though, because until the day Oda reveals Luffy's mom and/or Crocodile's backstory to us, we will truly never know for sure What The Fuck Crocodile's Deal Is

And I'll be just stuck with these brainworms, making myself sad by thinking about sad scenarios where Crocodad could be real, because truly, if it's canon, ain't no way it won't be sad

EDIT 3: Originally I thought it'd be good enough if I just rewatched some parts here and there, but in the end I just fucking absolutely caved the fuck in and went and reread The Good Parts of Marineford. Mainly because I knew I was forgetting things and Toei adding/changing things can affect a character reading. Also it was just going to be easier to go through the manga and literally just all of Crocodile's scenes into an image folder for easier browsing, mainly because there's so much shit that happens between those scattered scenes it can be hard to like focus on one thing (especially if you're trying to specifically FIND those scattered scenes and appearances)

So yeah. Coming back a few days later to add shit to this god forsaken post. I need help

Actually changed my mind and made a separate post to continue this nonsense, enjoy

[hanarchy]

I'm a Chan girlie (derogatory) and I do agree tbh. He seems like a genuinely good guy but I feel like he's got issues and needs therapy tbh with you. But then again, I have a hard time blaming him for that, boy was pushed from a young age by his weird ass parents to be famous, was flown out to a foreign country on his own at like 12 or 13 and immediately put in the worst position a young teen who just likes music could be in. I really like the guy, but a lot of his fans act like he's a lot more than what it is: a musically talented good looking dude who just happened to become famous.

mhm yeah i think like. he’s an interesting case study in terms of kpop and fame in general. i have a feeling this reply is gonna get ridiculously long so i’m sorry in advance.

edit: ok i split it up into parts:

1. teenager and industry in general

2. early career and skz as a group

3. recent position in the company and fans

edit 2: i also put it under a read more. listen i know u never asked me to psychoanalyze bang christopher chan on this beautiful august evening but i, like literally everyone else in this fandom, just cannot resist it 💀

bro i gotta be honest with u idk why i typed all this out and theres certainly no real point but its done now

1. teenager and kpop industry in general

like i think chan is the perfect idol less in how talented he is (please do not misconstrue this as me saying he is not talented that is not what i said) but much much more in this ‘narc energy’ i tried to describe earlier. it is very obvious that companies don’t just look for star quality but also for obedience and what they like to call ‘good nature’ as well as for resilience and the willingness to basically destroy yourself for your career.

and chan certainly has that. like i think about how he speaks about his dad and how deeply uncomfortable it makes me to hear him talk because it reminds me of soso many of my childhood friends who thought they needed to live up to some ideal their parents either picked for them or represented. now most people kind of start developing away from that in their teenage years and form an identity of their own but what kpop companies do really effectively is to intervene in that process and give these teens a new ideal to neatly replace the old one.

on the one hand that’s kind of convenient because it means you have to do much less emotional work, if your parents are supportive of this dream it makes for an easy transition for them, too because you don’t have to fight them for more freedom all the time and honestly apart from the dieting it is a relatively safe way to assert independence. like teenagers are also impulsive and kinda bad at making decisions so i saw a lot of my friends go down a much more self-destructive road than becoming a trainee.

on the other hand though you do have to grow up sometime and if you really take the idol life and that dream seriously that kinda means selling your body and soul to a deeply corrupt capitalist machine and a faceless public that each have the power to make or break you. like you promise so much of your energy, future earnings and also just so much of your time on earth to this career before you’ve ever even had a normal job.

like by all accounts chan was way too young to understand what any of this entailed when he decided to do it (frankly i think its hard to understand even as an adult like i certainly have no fucking idea what it must feel like to have thousands of people on the internet ask you to show them your bedroom)

and like whats especially twisted (i think its mostly post bts but i think as a prototype shinee are a good example as well and i think tbh kpop also learned from the success of one direction and how intensely parasocial that was thanks to a casting show) is that companies figured out that fans form a close emotional bond with idols who are perceived to have struggled and suffered. like it’s a good story for the underdog to make it big, for the guys with a creative vision to do their own thing to make it in a highly regulated industry.

it’s kind of obvious with how many groups get documentaries where they cry and struggle and how few of them get actual psychological help that companies have an incentive to make them suffer (justice for my sweet sakura she needs rest and support and PRIVACY).

now i’m not saying anyone is being tortured or anything and i’m not one of those ‘kpop is trafficking’ truthers like i think its much more mundane in how they use the natural stressors of the job, cultural expectations and the idols’ own perfectionism or traits and just point a camera at them.

for chan its the being the eldest child responsibility, the real need to please his father figures and his perfectionist nature. plus i do think foreign idols (even from korean families) often feel they need to prove that they can be a part of korean society, that they are as respectful and well behaved and understand the norms and customs.

and jyp(e) (both the man and the company) was kind of able to twist their role in his life to be both his torturer and his savior in how they played the stray kids survival show and his trainee career. showering him in praise and at the same time never debuting him, letting him pick his members and then basically publicly tearing all his choices apart over 9 episodes. etc etc

like he was always gonna come out of that mix either really loving the company and authority figures in his life or deeply resenting all of it and i think his ambition and pride (which can keep u from admitting u made a wrong decision) kept him from the latter option.

2. early career and skz as a group

i think early adulthood is kind of the time where you get to test your new identity you created as a teen against the reality of living in the world. are your talents enough? is your self-image correct? do you have the strength and resilience to be who you want to be? did you know how to pick the right people to support you and be friends with?

and i think like this is where chan felt like his choice of sticking with the company was correct because they gave him comebacks, money, creative support, creative freedom, they didnt doubt the group when woojin left and gave chan so many things to make the music he wants to make and also they had the patience to wait out the first win, the first hit, the parasocial fanbase and so on.

so like that probably solidified his impression that he made the right choice and again all the stress and the pressure coupled with that support made this kind of abusive bond between the company and chan even stronger.

and now you have him caring for the whole group, which is both exploiting and playing into his strength which is his sense of responsibility. and i think again he probably felt like a gift was being given to him in the form of a debut and 7 guys who he could care for and who also cared for him enough to take on some of that responsibility.

he’s testing his self perception of being talented, reliable, strong against the reality of being an idol and he feels like he made the right choices, like the identity he picked for himself as a teen is viable and so his love for the company is reinforced and is strengthened by his love for the members.

plus you get this fan layer which is another highly complex relationship to process. its kind of unconditional adoration except its HIGHLY conditional and you dont know what those conditions are. i think his reaction to that random cornrow thing and how he generally seems indignant and mad about being told what to do by fans is soooooo interesting bc like. this is the king of fanservice to a frankly ABSURD degree like no other idol is that bad, again i’m sorry to the chan girls but that bbl vibe is so…. 😬

so it gains another layer and maybe a realer support system and more true friendships that arent transactional. but at the same time he gains this faceless crowd making decisions for him. like thats a tangled psychological web and its obvious why he would be so loyal to the company and the established status quo since they never wavered in their support for him even when he was stupid and more importantly EVEN when he wasnt making them money.

3. recent position in the company and fans

now like. ive been talking about him kind of as if he doesnt know that his relationship with the company is transactional but i think he has always been aware of it but that he was just ok with what he got out of it. because i think he also has a veryyyyy healthy self confidence and his ambition is BIG like.

i always say that the only thing abt skz’s personalities that i am actually certain of is their ambition. they want to be the biggest group in the company, in the industry, they want to be the biggest group in the world. I think chan has wanted that for a long time. and i think he understands why the company built the narratives they did.

like i actually kind of disagree with you a little bc i think he very very deliberately got famous and he also deliberately did it in this company. because as hard to navigate as this whole web is emotionally, for a man in a kpop company (and yes, gender is EXTREMELY important in this context) theres also a fixed set of rules and steps to influence and power (there are some exceptions like got7 but even they were eventually able to leave with their group name and trademarks which is entirely unheard of for girl groups). he followed the steps laid out by jype and he has what he wanted now. and i think bang chan today has a lot of agency, he has a lot of power over the group but also in the company so in many ways he did actually make the right decisions when he was very young and i think this position in the company is good for his pride as well.

now you mentioned his fans and how weird some of them are about him and i think tbh it’s somewhat normal and expected that they are this weird abt him given the entire strange and complex relationship i just explained. like he himself does not know how to handle his fans in a way thats healthy for him. i think channies room was the biggest proof of that and the way his confidence seems to have skyrocketed since that ended is kind of interesting to me.

like ok heres my last mean statement about him: he does not care about his fans more than any other idol. he does not mean to ‘protect’ all of us. he is appreciative and grateful. and i think something unique about him and skz is that there seem to be very many kpop (male) groups who dont like being known for kpop or as idols. they want credit as artists and singers and musicians in other genres. i think hes unique in that he has real respect for idol music and idol work and the kind of fans that come along with it (young women).

i also think he means it when he says skz aims to be a safe place for their fans and a fun place but i think he had to find out what that means for himself. he genuinely seems to want good things for people but he used to pretend he had a personal relationship with every single fan and that’s bound to lead to a fucked reaction from fans. like him pretending to be your boyfriend on bbl or him yelling at that seoul concert or the strangely intimate nature of chans room all kind were his own doing and i do think its a bit of his own fault that fans are this weird abt him.

and i think he probably thought he had to do all that because of how much responsibility he took on in the company and EVERYTHING i mentioned above so like. his own perception is also fucked. but i think realizing that he is allowed boundaries and that he can have a relationship with fans on his own terms has been very good for him. theres a real sense of separation these days, he seems to volunteer information or photos/content rather than having it forced out of him.

unfortunately the damage is done and chan stans are already… like that. like i have NEVER met a chan bias who doesnt on some level believe they know him better than everyone else, even the most level headed ones. hell i kinda think i understand him better than everyone else (look at this stupidly long post). and the recent distance that is perceived as new and unusual from him has left a lot of fans feeling rejected. and because they put him up on such a high pedestal and believe all of his declarations of love they cant stand the idea that it was his doing/decision and look for some other thing to blame (the company, other fans, the members… the list goes on)

[longing-for-rain]

I was reading one of your fanfiction and you’ve written in disgusting detail about zuko getting r@ped, why?

Interesting question. I wonder about it myself sometimes.

But what the hell, let me psychoanalyze myself tonight because it’s been a really bad time lately and it’s Friday night so you know what that means 🥴🥃

Anyways.

Weirdly enough I’ve been drawn to that kind of content from a young age, like age 12 young, pretty much right after I’d gone on the internet and been exposed to shit. It was always confusing for me. I always had this weird compulsion to watch certain male characters get hurt very badly in ways women typically get hurt. I’m not just talking about rape either; that’s probably the most extreme part of it, but it was also things like “damsel in distress” situations, eating disorders, body image issues, etc. I’m not saying men never experience these things, just that especially in media, they’re almost always associated with women.

I felt really weird for it because let’s be honest it is pretty fucked up. How did I get like this? It’s not even like I found it hot or anything—I’m a lesbian, I don’t feel attraction towards men at all. Besides, it was only violence I was drawn to. The minute a story started getting to some kind of Stockholm Syndrome situation where the victim starting falling in love with his abuser, it became a squick and I had to run away. It also couldn’t be just any male character. It had to be one I really liked. There have been others but you’re right, it started with Zuko and over the years it’s mostly Zuko. And yeah, that’s why I ended up writing content like that myself, because it was on my mind and I use writing to vent. But why? What was I subconsciously trying to vent about in that specific case?

Lately though I think I figured it out. The best way I can think of to describe it is a revenge fantasy. Which I know is deeply fucked up but hear me out.

So I get on the internet at age 12, right? At the time, my favorite shows were ATLA and HTTYD. So as one does, I start looking for things about my shows and come across art of the blorbos and naturally discover the world of fanfiction. And how wonderful for 12 year old me! I latched onto Zutara almost instantly because even as a kid my favorite scene in the show was the Final Agni Kai and I really wanted to see them get together. Now I find out there is a whole world of stories I can read online about that exact thing happening in so many different ways? It was beautiful.

But as you know if you know anything about fanfic sites (which I assume you do because you found my fucked up stories lol) I found some unpleasant things. Keep in mind this was around 2012 and I was browsing ff.net which had nowhere near the tagging/warning system that AO3 does. And even if it did it probably wouldn’t have mattered because I was 12 years old with a dangerous combination of naïveté and curiosity.

So anyway! What do I find on ff.net when I went scrolling for my lovely Zutara fics? Well, I did find some really cute ones. There are some I still think about but can’t find for the life of me because they’re either deleted or buried in the depths of ff.net. That was all good. You know what wasn’t good? The…other things. And oh boy. The people complaining about how Zutara is some kind of colonizer abuse fantasy wouldn’t have lasted 10 seconds back then. I remember reading a fic where Zuko raped Katara while she was tied to a tree. No warnings, and in the end note the author said it wasn’t rape because she ended up liking it. Many, many fics revolving around the idea of Zuko kidnapping Katara and making her into some kind of sex slave but it’s okay! She likes it and he turns good on the end for her so it’s true love! I also vividly remember a Blue Spirit x Katara fic where they were fucking, he took off the mask revealing himself as Zuko, Katara got scared and tried to push him off, Zuko just held her down and kept going. Not called rape. No warnings. Comments full of people talking about how “hot” it was.

Get the picture? It was horrifying. Keep in mind I was 12. It made me deeply angry, not just because of the misogyny and glorification of sexual violence, but also because it was Zuko doing it. I loved this character. I loved him because his story was so compelling, he was good and kind, he seemed safe to me. And reading about him violently abuse and rape the person he was supposed to love most was horrifying. It felt like some kind of betrayal. It made me hate him.

Middle school era me stopped reading Zutara fic as a result. I kept getting burned by it, and felt drawn towards that kind of Zuko rapefic instead. An old Zhaoko fic still sticks out in my mind. It was a pretty simple plot where Zhao kidnapped Zuko, whipped him and raped him, then at the end Katara rescued and healed him. It was oddly cathartic for me. Because it a) satisfied my revenge itch to see Zuko hurt in the same way I read about him hurting Katara in those other fics and b) put Zuko in a vulnerable position that would render him incapable of being a perpetrator in that universe (I know that’s not how it works in reality but that’s just my gut reaction there idk). Also read tons of fucked up Boiling Rock fics because it’s kind of a no brainer in the Zuko rapefic genre.

I don’t remember exactly why, but in the mid 2010s I didn’t really read much fic at all and my interest sort of fizzled out. I was mostly into HTTYD at that point and had a brief fling with Voltron before the fandom went to shit (which didn’t take long). So I guess that dark side of mine went dormant for a while and I didn’t think about it a lot.

Then oh boy…COVID hit. I was 19 when it started and found myself drawn into unhealthy levels of internet usage like most people during that time because what else were we supposed to do for fun. I was also going through some really fucked up heavy personal shit which led me to turning back to my old comfort ship…Zutara. Found my way onto tumblr, then to the fanfic sites. AO3 was a welcome surprise after being used to ff.net. Also for the first time I discovered the “community” aspect of fandom which I really enjoyed and helped me fight some of that COVID-induced isolation. It was really nice at first. I even began writing my own fics for the first time. And as you can see from my AO3 profile, they were very simple and cutesy in the beginning. Back before I went insane lmao.

But that happiness was short lived, because I kind of had a repeat of what happened when I was 12, only worse. Same pattern of reading some really good Zutara fics and some really bad ones. Zuko is sexually violent towards Katara. Zuko kidnaps Katara. Zuko rapes Katara. The author has some kind of technicality that makes it “not really rape/abuse” when that was clearly the intention. But this time, I was in a “community” with “friends” who promised me I mattered to them and that they cared about me. So I mentioned something about how disturbed I was to see things like this, naïvely thinking they’d understand where I was coming from.

And they…told me I was a bigot.

Yeah so. This was after I’d been sexually assaulted the first time. I also had this older creepy beta reader who I later realized had been sexually grooming me but that’s another story. Anyways! Point is I was in a bad state of mind, especially surrounding the topic of sexual violence, so it really hit me hard to have it used against me like that, made to feel crazy for having a problem with it, and dogpiled on for trying to explain myself and speak out.

Needless to say, I ended up feeling isolated, hurt, and confused by this. Much like I was back at age 12, so I relapsed into bad habits.

Honestly I’d been doing it before the breaking point, just more subtly. If you’ve creeped my AO3, you’ll see various flavors of “femdom” shit there. I like to call that my “I was being groomed lol” era. I had someone basically trying to convince me that male domination was “empowering” and that it was a sign of “maturity” for me to embrace it. Basically trying to convince me most/all women secretly desired it, resisting was a sign she wanted it deep down, I’d come around eventually, etc. Honestly I think this person just liked my writing and wanted me to pump out free fetish content for her, but it kind of backfired since it made me uncomfortable and I ended up just wanting to write femdom and Zuko rapefics because in that situation, it was the only outlet I had to express my hurt and discomfort at being bombarded with that disturbing kind of fic where Zuko is a rapist. I was subconsciously trying to reverse the narrative to escape the misogyny and the trauma I was suffering as a result.

Then after I got out of the grooming situation it just went off the rails from there. Stuff in my personal life was also getting worse so I just had this mass of stress and anger constantly running through my mind. It also really fucked with my sense of identity since the groomer/community I was in sort of left me with the impression that a woman’s role in society is to be objectified and abused and humiliated, and that she’s supposed to embrace it. I don’t think they necessarily intended it that way, but it left me with that impression because I saw so much content like that and barely anything representing women the way I wished to be perceived as a woman. It even made me feel alienated from other woman to the point I didn’t want to be a woman anymore (which is a feeling I’ve grappled with since puberty basically but that’s another story).

I don’t know which fic of mine you’re specifically referring to in which Zuko is raped in graphic detail, but I’m assuming it’s Dark Reflections because that’s probably the most graphic thing I’ve written. That’s the fic I started writing in the middle of that whole mess. It was very cathartic. I went with a female perpetrator against Zuko because it allowed me to fuck with the gender dynamics. A key plot point in that fic is also that Jun’s motivation partly stems from the fact that she mistakenly believes Zuko raped Katara so the idea of taking revenge against Zuko for being a rapist felt more direct. And of course, the reason why it’s so detailed and graphic and contains a lot of typical violent kink shit is because that was all the same shit I’d had thrown at me in the context of Zuko abusing Katara, so I just wanted to give it back to him if that makes sense. It brought me a morbid sense of comfort to see him be abused in the same way. I just have a catharsis generally about men suffering what they make women suffer. I know it’s fucked up, but it was a fucked up part of my life. And for the record I’m not trying to justify it or say it’s okay, I’m kinda of neutral on that tbh. Just acknowledging where my mind was and the fact that it’s a thing that I did.

For what it’s worth now, as I took the time to focus more on healing, I’ve felt less drawn to pure violence. I find myself wanting to write more about the thematic aspects of it and explore it that way. Even with Dark Reflections itself, the fic is incomplete and much longer than I originally intended it to be because I actually do want to go back and work through those themes and unpack what they mean for both the characters and the society they exist in. The more recent things I’ve written have been more along those lines too. Less graphic shocking violence, more philosophical as I pick my own brain and try to make sense of things.

Honestly writing this out helped me organize my brain a lot so idk hopefully it answered your question too.

And yes I know I’m sounding absolutely batshit but this is like my brain’s toxic sewer outlet valve. Believe it or not I am surprisingly normal in real life. I have a dog and big biceps and a cool rock collection and an office job with a nice view and everything. Anyways I’m passing out now. Night.

[chirpsythismorning]

What do you think about ST writers staying silent when it comes to homophobia in fandom? I've seen some people talking about this and I have to agree that it is getting toxic, and the creators can say something about it. This issue is not about shipping, it is a serious issue that needs to be addressed in this fandom.

I get this, I really do, but there is a reason they don't bring a bunch of attention to the negative and it's the same reason most of the cast tries to not bring attention to the negatives going on that they experience.

This reminds me of when Noah came out for example. A lot of fans were congratulating him with support and stuff. But that didn't last long bc suddenly everyone in the tag was fixating on the negatives they were seeing, reposting homophobic comments he was getting and just freaking out on a loop over harmful shit going on. Some fans even made like plot twist edits of hateful comments he had under his coming out video and Noah himself commented on one of them, like alluding to the fact that he tries to not let it get to him.

When you're in these peoples positions, you're hearing about god awful stuff happening constantly. And that makes sense, when you have an audience of hundreds of millions of people, shit goes down. ALL the time.

And so it gets to a point where, eventually you have to give up basically. I'm sure there was a time early on like in s1, when they might have felt the need to put the fans in check over certain harmful things. But it probably got so big they couldn't do that any more, simply for mental health reasons I wouldn't ask that of anyone.

Think about Finn who has been through some shitty fandom behavior over the years with fans obsessing over him and like essentially photoshopping a fake story about his gf SAing someone. Did he come forward and talk about that? No bc fans like that don't even deserve the attention. And while yes, it's clear that he feels like grateful about this experience, it's also clear he has an intense sense of bitterness over the fact that having millions of fans means that there are bound to be quite a few who don't understand boundaries. And yet it's gotten to a point where acknowledging them only makes them stronger.

And then there's Caleb, who experienced fucking racism as a child simply for his character getting in the way of milkvan... And he only recently over the last year or so has felt comfortable enough to start talking about it more. And it's probably because he was in large part not wanting to re-hash over stuff that is obviously traumatizing and just not fucking fair for him to have to discuss in the first place. He deserves for this to be an incredible experience. He shouldn't have to give any of his time and attention to people that don't fucking deserve it in the first place. He deserves better than that.

And then there's Millie who has also been through a lot, to the point where it's like near impossible to even pinpoint everything because it's just so much. And she has the biggest following on social media so that makes a lot of sense. Her fandom experience is a large part of why she doesn't really use social media anymore. She used to love interacting with fans, but now it's just not something she can handle. Not only does she have to deal with people that hate her for no apparent reason, she also has to deal with so called fans psychoanalyzing anything and everything she does, to the point where they're convinced they know everything about her and her boyfriend and her family, as if they know what's best for her? Like imagine not having a space anywhere despite having millions of people say they love you, when they just turn around and treat you like a product to be consumed and discarded? It's exhausting.

All of them have a story like that, that just makes you realize that this is so much bigger than ship wars and any nonsense fans obsess over. Sometimes we forget these are real people and they have to see this and it obviously effects them mentally over time to the point where they just can't acknowledge it anymore in order to simply live their lives peacefully.

Now, I'm not saying the Duffers will never address the homophobia, bc they no doubt will. However, I think that in large part the point is to let these homophobes especially feel like they are superior and have the upper-hand, only to rip it out from under them basically.

And that's because we're also talking about a show that is hiding the truth in plain sight. This show is in fact for the so called freaks and geeks (and the gays). And so when that truth is finally revealed, THAT'S when they're going to call the bigots out on their bullshit. Because this show was never for them in the first place! And making them tune in for all of it, convinced it was for them all this time, only to find out it wasn't, I'm sorry but it's fucking badass.

If they're hiding that core message in plain sight, and yet most of the audience STILL doesn't see it, and it's also a big reason why they refuse to even consider byler, then yes it makes sense to hold off this scolding for when the reveal happens, only to throw all of that backlash on the people STILL being homophobic when it's all said and done, despite them saying it was all indeed intentional.

Right now there are genuine homophobes out here, and then there's people that are merely misunderstanding the extent of what's truly happening bc of heteronormativity, which is arguably the way the show was intended to be watched, assuming you're only watching it once through and you don't consume any more content regarding it much outside of that initial viewing (most of the ga). And then there's the fans who are literally queer and love queer stories, but aren't allowing themselves to believe it this time bc of how prevalent queer-baiting is.

By no means am I saying homophobia is okay. Obviously it's not. But people are homophobic, people are bigots. You can decide for yourself which situations you want to call it out and when you want to let it just be because otherwise you're gonna be fighting forever with people that do not fucking care, and that's not helping anyone, least of all queer people who would rather probably just ignore all of the noice and be happy being their authentic self, despite all of the hate that's out there.

We'll have to see how fans react to s5. I have hope that it will go well.. I do think that there could be a time period where people are like in denial and grieving or whatever. But we know the evidence is there. We know that the Duffers are going to be happy to admit that it was intentional to disprove the claims that try to say byler came out of nowhere.

Absolute worst case scenario, I think the critical reception will be something along the lines of this:

[the-bloody-sadist]

Do you mind if I ask you some random thing? I used to love shounen and shoujo manga equally....But ever since I found BL manga 3 years ago, my interest in shoujosei (especially het romance) decrese a lot, and what I search for is just the dynamic between mc (male) and male lead...I don't want to read mc (female) and male lead or mc (male) and female lead...And what I want to read mostly are just mlm or wlw stories....

What do you think is happening to me? Is it really weird?

Ooooooooo I LOVE YOU FOR ASKING ME THIS QUESTION!! THAT'S SO FASCINATING! THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING ME! If my friends know anything about me it's that I LOVE to psychoanalyze, so let's see what I can do here *cracks every knuckle*---

I'll preface by saying I have NOT read any het romance in the MANGA world at least--or otherwise japanese/chinese/korean sources--but did grow up only reading/watching/writing that and thinking I hated romance in general because it was so fucking boring LMAO. If I can compare any het media to non-American BL media, I would have to say anime is my only reference!

With that said, I came through the same arc you did. I tried het romance my whole life, suddenly fell upon BL, said WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AND WHY IS IT SO GOOD COMPARED TO THE SHIT I'VE BEEN READING, never went back to het romance, and now do BL in all shapes and forms full-time.

What seems to be the big factor in BL/yaoi being so much more enjoyable is that there's an inherent difference in the dynamic of male/male vs. male/female--as portrayed by media, at least. And there's just something about that dynamic that makes it more gripping. It's easier to feel that line of tension between the characters, not to mention the fact that most male/male couples' conflict is far more relatable than the ones I see in female/male. In het media, I tend to see incredibly petty choices of conflict, whereas a LOT of BL chooses trauma, mental illness, and sometimes the acceptance of being gay as the reasons the couples struggle.

I identify far more with those issues than I do with the more stupid conflicts I see in het media like "HE'S WITH ANOTHER GIRL WHATEVER SHALL I DO!" (and it's just his sister) or "HOW DO I KNOW IF I ACTUALLY LIKE HIM? MAYBE I DON'T! LET ME THROW HIM FOR LOOPS AND GO BACK AND FORTH!" and other common, annoying tropes. Especially the jealousy and love triangles. BL does some love triangles, but it's just less...petty? There are usually more founded issues for the conflict that comes from those situations.

I say this with hesitation, but I also feel that BL/yaoi tends to have more creative and unseen concepts than het media. Actually--erase that hesitation. I believe that wholeheartedly. They tend to choose traumatic situations more often than het media--and this is the important part--THEY PORTRAY THEM IN A MORE REALISTIC MANNER.

This doesn't go for all BL because of course it doesn't. An entire genre of different writers--many good and many bad--can never have a singular good trait shared between all of them. But the majority of BL that I've read that include scenes of rape, child abuse, or sex trafficking keeps some sense of terror and gravity to the situation. That's something I tend to see less of in het media. Instead, things often feel more exploitative or voyeuristic. Suffering as a spectacle, as they say. However, it may just have something to do with the female gender being the victim, which we've all seen countless times in all shapes and forms. It feels fresh and new to see a male character going through those issues, instead.

On that topic, I would add that the main audience for romance as a whole has always been dominated by women, so women are more likely to be the consumers of both het and queer romance. When it comes to yaoi, the automatic power balance of male/female is gone, leaving only male/male and opening the option for different ways to imbalance that power--automatically feeling more creative and new than the age old female-victim-male-aggressor-but-he's-kinda-hot trope. In addition to this, so many het romances have unapologetic portrayals of romanticized abuse (The Notebook, 50 Shades of Grey, Blade Runner [speaking to the romance PLOT, sorry, more obscure], the After series, The Kissing Booth, and so on) that never get brought up, never seem to affect the female lead negatively, and always get the couple together in the end. This is endlessly infuriating to me and I've never enjoyed the popular het romances for this reason. It feels like gaslighting--gaslighting of the audience--to see harsh moments of outright abuse and then see the female lead react as if it's sexy, and to feel nothing but gut-freezing disgust as a viewer. It's even more painful when the audience around you also reacts in that way because they're so used to seeing it in your everyday het romance.

Contrasting this with yaoi/BL media--this issue is completely flipped. Countless stories show abuse, address the abuse, portray the male lead suffering from the effects of that abuse, and proceed with a motivation to fix, endure, or to run away from that abuse. To claim that yaoi/BL has less romanticization of said abuse is not wholly true, but the problem for me has always been that het romance PRETENDED THE ABUSE DID NOT EXIST AND/OR IS SEXY AND NORMAL. Whereas yaoi seemed more self-aware that they were writing abuse, and--if they chose to romanticize it--more often did so because the abuse was being experienced through the eyes of the victim. This is important because victims of abuse in reality DO this to cope and survive, so the romanticization is a direct result of a trauma response, and it's made far more clear in yaoi that this is the case.

This is why the kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome romances (Killing Stalking at the top), and toxic relationship themes in BL are far more attractive and validating to read.

Say, for instance, the romances that include themes of kidnapping, sexual assault, and captivity in het media. What have we got for that that's good and actually explores the nature of abuse? What I tend to see that meets that criteria (possibly) isn't really included in the romance category at all--it's either listed as horror or it's a lightened romcom version of that event (kidnapping, specifically)--unless you think of the more popular ones like 365 Days where it's supposed to be sexy and everyone has no brain. I might be flimsy on my point here, since this is the first time I've tried to pick apart this subject, so I apologize. But in addition to these het romances with the themes that I'd like to see not really existing in a way that's been done WELL--I also personally can't watch a woman getting hurt the way I can watch a man getting hurt.

We've seen enough women suffering onscreen, and most of the times the way it gets filmed ends up feeling sexualized in some way--especially if it's a horror movie or a thriller romance. I personally don't enjoy the lack of emotional depth in these types--and clearly they're most often written to be sexy or shock horror more than serious. Trauma doesn't feel real in these stories, so it's intensely triggering to watch it happen onscreen without a resolution to that trauma.

Going back to yaoi/BL, their romances include and very often feature abusive relationships or straight-up hostage romances. But the way they're handled is the big difference. Even though some treat the abuse like sexy porn scenes and I find myself dropping them for the same triggers that set me off in het media, this is much less of a problem, and you can get your thrills without the invalidation of watching trauma happen without being treated like trauma. There's often an arc of learning for the abuser, the relationship healing/improving (and I don't care that it's not morally correct or realistic for this to happen because it's fiction and we all need our coping mechanisms for reality), and a satisfying end where both the characters learn how to love each other. In their own way.

This makes the trauma feel raw and the healing feel rewarding, which is what I come to see. It feels like more BL writers get this and have actually been through some shit.

Lastly, it's not weird that you feel this way, and I'm worried that the discourse on social media about people who exclusively enjoy yaoi/BL has influenced that belief in a lot of people. It shouldn't be that way, and I hope people come around to the actual logic instead of copy-pasting what everyone else says to fit in!

IN ANY CASE, I HAVE RAMBLED FAR TOO LONG ON PRETTY MUCH THE SAME POINT, BUT I HOPE THIS HELPED!! That's the main difference that I'm drawn to yaoi for and I hope it might have helped you see why you are, too!!

Much love to you, and again, thank you SO MUCH FOR ASKING ME THIS QUESTION!! I loved getting to answer that.

[jillvalentineismother]

Pretty hilarious that the overzealous jammi mcdonald stans wanna shit on Caroline and call her a Mary sue(because if we’re checking off boxes, I’m pretty sure camille fits the profile), and call Caroline a pick me but never call out jammi’s pick me behavior towards Klaus other love interests like Genevieve and Aurora. And both women were painted “crazy demented sl*t’s” in order to uplift jammi and her relationship with Klaus.

First of all, she stormed into Klaus' personal space uninvited on her high horse and basically said to Genevieve that “she served her purpose.” Camille is supposed to be an “educated, mature, woman,” but nothing she says ever makes sense. Let’s not forget that she called Rebekah a bitch right after meeting her. Even though Rebekah ain’t did nothing to her.

Also, her hypocrisy towards Klaus. Didn’t Aurora have a mental illness? Why was she not capable of being saved? Aurora can’t be saved because she “killed thousands?” What about Klaus? He’s killed just as much as Aurora and is an abusive douchebag. He turned her into his spy, took away her will in the beginning, had her thinking she was crazy, and practically forced her to go out with his son and never apologized. Yes, I could understand her hatred towards Genevieve for playing a part in hexing Kieran. And Gen was Rebekah’s victim who was genuinely a good person doing a favorite for Rebekah, who she thought was her friend. And Rebekah ended up turning her back on her. But why in the hell did she have so much empathy for Klaus and what he experienced in the past but when it came to Aurora and Genevieve, it was a different story? For somebody who’s supposed to be understanding, she don’t know shit. Biggest fucking hypocrite ever. She constantly let Klaus get away with his little piss baby tantrums and more shit like her reaction on him killing Gia. And anytime he run off and do some shit she would allow him to come back with open arms. But that’s a conversation I really don’t feel like getting into right now.

I said it before and I’ll say it again, Klaus is not a good person deep down. He’s not. She, like the klaus apologists, use his past as an excuse for him becoming a monster. No, Klaus may be a victim of his parents actions but he did all the victimizing to other people. His own actions are what make him a monster. Period.

I’m just saying man, she should have kept it 100 when it came to Klaus cause it look like she only let Klaus get away with his bullshit cause she liked him. And it will never not be funny that she tried that psychoanalyzing shit with Mikeal and when he tried to kill her, she changed her mind about him immediately.

[zalrb]

You probably answered this already, but what did you think of the speech that rose gave to Jeremy?

OK I'll answer this in two parts and only because there isn't anything in the master list about this specifically but my answer is just going to be me reposting things from other posts of mine. The first part is going to reference part of a post I did about why I didn't ship Rose and Damon but it relates to her speech about Jeremy:

1.

I didn’t like Rose and Damon. Rose and Damon don’t have a real relationship, she’s put on the show specifically to make Damon look better and so he could have at least one person rooting for him

The show had to bring in another character because Damon already brutalized everyone else: he snapped Jeremy’s neck, he tried to kill Bonnie, he raped and abused Caroline and tried to kill her twice, he turned and was responsible for Vicki’s death etc., like he did so much shit to the regular group that they created Rose specifically to tell Elena that he isn’t that bad and to psychoanalyze him for her

so I don't take Rose seriously as a character because she's transparent and therefore I don't take her speech seriously.

2.

Put up or shut up. My biggest issue with Delena is that they don't earn their dialogue, they don't earn their reputation, they don't earn anything except my exasperation. Because WHERE do I SEE this?

posts found in the master list:

they're supposed to be extremes and the show doesn't portray that

and for argument's sake, let's say they did show the extremism, they never show how he's the best thing for her, only the worst

and this??

How Stefan challenges Elena vs. how Damon "challenges" Elena

Damon does not challenge Elena, anon, all he ever did was push her to admit she cared about him when she wouldn’t say it and then you guys called that challenging her when it was just Damon ignoring boundaries.

This is the issue with you DErs, you think challenging someone means constantly fighting with them, showing some form of contention, or steamrolling them with your opinions, that’s not what that is.

Stefan challenges Elena continuously. He challenges her to think beyond her emotions and about the bigger picture

or to explore her emotions and see where they lead,

he challenges her to be vulnerable and to keep fighting,

to embrace life even when it fucking sucks

and that pushes her to grow and mature and develop

and she does the same thing for him.

when it comes to elena and not listening to her choices, it doesn’t actually challenge her, it doesn’t actually get her to think differently, this

doesn’t actually change her behaviour, she just digs her heels into her original sentiment.

this:

causes her to undagger elijah and she tells Damon she did this specifically because he wouldn’t listen to her

and it also means in season 3, which according to you, is the first time she’s ever strong, she circumvents damon instead of letting him in on the plan

like this

How? Like, literally how?

[the-cult-of-russo]

Just Beneath The Flames (Part 6)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Warnings: cursing, smut at some point probably lmao, zombie shit, typical canon violence. You know the drill.

A/N: Thanks to everyone still enjoying this story!

—-----------------

You stood at the bottom of your tree as you got your arrows ready to go out and hunt. It had been around four days since you realized how fucked you were if you stuck around the group and you’d been avoiding them all since. You’d wanted some space to clear your head, only it was a lot harder to avoid them all now they felt comfortable enough to turn up at your home and your point was only proven when a voice startled you.

“Hey, Y/N,” you whipped around to come face to face with Matt, who if you were honest, you really hadn’t expected to come here.

“Hey…” you said hesitantly, feeling a little awkward. It wasn’t only the fact you didn’t know him as well as some of the others but it was very obvious that you’d been avoiding them.

“I was feeling a little restless, thought maybe I could help you hunt. With my hearing… I could help you find something,” he offered with a polite smile. You really wanted to tell him no but avoiding them was a lot different than being rude right to their faces so you blew out a sigh.

“Sure,” you muttered, grabbing your bow and slinging the quiver over your shoulder. You set off out and at first, it had been fine. He’d tilt his head and tell you what he’d heard, tell you what animal it was and you wound up catching a rabbit. You’d started to think it was handy having him come along and hunt with you as it saved you so much time when you knew where to look without having to track something. But you’d soon be made to eat your words and realize he had an ulterior motive for coming here.

“So… is there a reason you’ve been avoiding us?” he asked pointedly as you both walked. 

“What makes you think I’m avoiding you,” you huffed defensively, not about to admit it like this. 

“Well, you’ve not been around and you’ve not been talking to Billy every morning on the walkie like you normally do,” he pointed out and you looked away as you tried not to feel guilty about it. You didn’t say anything so he decided to continue.

“The group misses you,” he murmured with a frown and you shook your head. 

“You guys barely know me, I doubt you actually miss me,” you muttered.

“The kids miss you,” he answered easily and you snorted.

“They probably miss the shit I bring them,” you replied with an eye roll.

“Karen’s been upset you’ve not been by at all,” he countered and you sighed.

“She probably just misses having another girl around,” you scoffed.

“Billy misses you. He’s been moping around the camp like someone told him Santa isn’t real,” he said softly and the grip on your bow tightened, not having a sassy reply for that one.

“He keeps coming by your treehouse but you're never here. He thought something bad happened to you at one point but he’s been checking in the treehouse and it's obvious you’ve been there,” he explained and you stopped walking and gaped at him.

“I’m sorry, Billy’s been in my treehouse?” you asked harshly, not liking the idea of him poking around in your shit when you weren't there. Maybe yeah, you were being a coward and maybe you were purposely not spending much time there because you knew he’d turn up to try and speak to you and you thought you’d cave if he did. It still didn’t give him the right to go up there like that.

“Frank seems to think the Rawlins thing freaked you out,” he mused, completely ignoring what you said and since he didn’t stop walking, you growled before stomping over to catch up with him.

“It didn’t freak me out,” you bit out, getting more annoyed the more he spoke.

“They’re just trying to figure out why you’re avoiding them all of a sudden,” he frowned.

“Look, I appreciate you offering to help me, but I thought you were supposed to be helping me hunt, not psychoanalyze me,” you snapped, feeling your walls shoot right up.

“I just care about my people, Y/N and they care about you. I thought maybe if I could talk to you I could try to convince you to come back, that maybe I could figure out why you’re avoiding us but I get it now,” he said quietly with a thoughtful expression on his face. 

“Get what?” you asked roughly, glaring at him even if he couldn't see it.

“You’re in love with Billy,” he said like it was obvious. You blinked at him for a moment before an incredulous laugh left your lips and it was so loud, you wouldn't be surprised if the dead were on their way. 

“Wow, that's just… I’m not in love with Billy,” you snorted, shaking your head. He didn’t look amused though and the look he gave you made you scowl.

“I’m not,” you said more firmly, your eyes narrowing to slits. 

“I can pick up on a lot of things with my heightened senses. I’ve heard how your heartbeat changes around him, how your scent changes too,” he pointed out and your eyes widened.

“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re smelling me now?” you scoffed incredulously. He looked slightly uncomfortable, looking away from you.

“I don’t… smell people. It’s just… in the air. It’s not something I can control. People have their own scents but emotions have scents too. When people feel certain things, it’s like an undertone of that emotion seeps into their scent,” he explained and you shook your head. You couldn't believe the shit he was saying to you.

“You seem like a great guy and all, Matt, and I appreciate all you did back in New York City, beating up bad guys wearing your little devil suit, but we don’t know each other well enough for you to come here and say this shit to me,” you huffed, well and truly done with this ridiculous conversation. 

You turned on your heel and started stalking off with him following you as he called out your name softly but you ignored him. Unlucky for you though that not too far away, you found Karen and Foggy. Karen was holding a basket and seemed to be foraging mushrooms, Foggy holding a mushroom spotting guide and through your annoyance, you idly hoped they knew what they were doing as it was easy to get safe mushrooms confused with ones that would kill you. Foggy was the first to spot you as Matt caught up with you and he made a beeline for you, making you groan.

“Hey! Fancy seeing you guys here,” he grinned, it dimming a little when he saw your very unimpressed face. 

“Y/N, it’s good to see you. We’ve missed you,” Karen murmured with a small smile as she walked over and you felt ready to crawl out of your skin. You weren’t sure just why what Matt said seemed to set you off so much but now you were on edge and just wanted to get out of here. When you didn’t say anything, her brows furrowed a little.

“Are you okay?” she asked carefully and you snorted mirthlessly. 

“I’m great. Your super hearing sniffer dog was just telling me that I’m apparently in love with Billy, so my day is going swimmingly,” you grinned sarcastically, a harsh bite to your tone that made her eyes widen.

“Matt!” she chided with a frown at him and he looked away uncomfortably.

“Don’t mind him, he loves to put his foot in his mouth. He also loves to meddle in people’s business like an old lady apparently,” Foggy said wryly.

“It was great seeing you all but I’ve got shit to do,” you muttered, walking on past them to make your way home.

“Y/N, wait!” Karen called out, grabbing your arm and turning you to her before you took more than two steps. She seemed to read your face well enough as her hand dropped your arm as she frowned at you.

“You wanna know why I’ve been avoiding you?” you asked roughly, not being able to help your tone with how tightly wound you were. She didn’t say anything, just blinking at you with her wide eyes.

“I was overwhelmed. You have no idea what it’s like after everything I went through with my old group. I told you guys I didn’t wanna be part of your group and somehow I got sucked in anyway and now I care. I know it’s a bad idea me sticking around because no matter how much you guys say you care or that I’m part of the group, I’m not and I’ll never be. Me sticking around just means I’ll wind up hurt in the long run but my heart won’t let me leave. So I thought having a few days on my own, having some space, would clear my head. Maybe I’d come to my senses so I could just leave, but it didn’t fucking work ‘cause I’m still here,” you ranted.

“Y/N… I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think about how overwhelming it might be for you after everything. I just kept wanting you to come because I liked having you there,” she frowned sadly and you felt a stab of guilt in your chest. You sighed and looked away, seeing Matt and Foggy still lurking close enough to hear you guys. Matt was looking over in your general direction wearing a sad look on his face and Foggy was watching you both intently like it was a soap opera. 

“It's not you, Karen. It’s none of you guys, it's me. It’s all too much. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t because I care too much to leave but if I don’t, I know I’m only setting myself up to get hurt again,” you shook your head as you took a step backwards.

“I never used to be like this. I used to be so happy-go-lucky, the life of any party. I’d see the positive even in the worst situations but this new world’s changed me and I hate it. I can’t see the good in anything anymore. Good things don’t last in the new world,” you lamented, feeling your chest constrict. You were done with this and you turned around once more, only this time they let you leave. 

When you got back to the treehouse, you got to work on the rabbit Matt helped you catch and you felt like a giant pile of shit for the way you spoke to them but you tried to ignore it. Once the rabbit was prepped though, it left your mind to wander as you sat at the bottom of the tree, toying with your knife. You hated what this world had turned you into. You were no longer soft and caring as you’d once been but you weren’t cold enough to be comfortable with being hurtful or rude or just cutting people out for simply being nice people. 

“Well, if it isn’t Grumpy,” a voice rang out and you groaned, closing your eyes as your head hit the tree with a thunk. You thought your day couldn't get any worse and you were wrong as Billy sauntered over to you.

“Nice to know you’re alive, by the way,” he commented, his smirk in contrast to his dark narrowed eyes as they glared at you. You'd had a feeling the camp would end up hearing about your rant, not so much from Karen or Matt who would maybe be more diplomatic but mostly from Foggy who seemed the type to not be able to keep his mouth shut. He sat down in front of you but you didn’t move from where you were sitting against the tree, head still leaning on it as you sighed deeply.

“You know what? Fine, let me have it,” you muttered, sounding tired.

“You think I’m here to lecture you?” he asked, sounding amused.

“I don’t know what the fuck to think,” you bit out and he tilted his head at you, not speaking for a moment as he looked at you with his unsettling eyes. 

“Karen told me you think nothin’ good lasts in this world and honestly, I call bullshit on that,” he murmured after a moment.

“Of course you would,” you scoffed bitterly and his face hardened a little. 

“And what does that mean?” he asked slowly.

“It means you still have your group so you have no idea how I’m feeling,” you replied tensely. 

“You think I don’t know loss? You think just ‘cause my groups mostly intact that I don’t get that pain? I lost people well before the world went to shit and I still carry that around with me every goddamn day,” he glowered, pain shining behind his eyes that had you feeling even more guilty than you already did because you knew just what he lost before all this. 

“I get it must have been shitty losin’ your brother the way you did and I can’t imagine how scary it was for you bein’ all alone for as long as you have, for all the loss you went through. I get you feel scared to let people in after all that but pushin’ us away ain’t the answer here,” he implored.

“Then what is the answer, Billy?” you snapped coldly, trying to mask the guilt that seemed to be suffocating you. He looked taken aback by your tone before he scoffed and shook his head.

“You wanna be like that, then fine,” he bit out as he stood up and looked down at you.

“You think you can do this shit alone, be my guest. But one day, when you’re takin’ your last breath, your gonna remember this. You’re gonna remember that you pushed away the only people left who gave a shit about you and that you died all alone,” he snarled at you, tossing something at your feet. When you looked at it, it was the blackboard you’d carved for him and somehow the gesture hurt even more than his words that already made you feel like someone had run you through with a sword. He stormed off and his name was on the tip of your tongue, ready with an apology. It never came though and you watched him leave through the trees before you growled at yourself and lowered your head. Deep down, you knew none of them deserved to be treated the way you had done and you hated the accompanying guilt. They genuinely seemed to care, to want you around and you had no idea why. You’d already been on edge, feeling split in two about whether or not you needed to leave despite knowing it was futile because your heart would never let you walk away. Not now. But it had been Matt’s words to push you over the edge. You’d adamantly denied it and at the time, you believed it wholeheartedly. But the more his words spun on a loop in your brain, the more you started doubting yourself. You bonded with Billy more than the others but you’d chalked it up to the fact you’d spent more one on one time with him, had some life or death experiences with him that usually forged a bond quite quickly. But now you didn’t know what to think. It had been a long time since you’d had a relationship and a long time since you’d even been around people that didn’t want to kill you, you didn’t know what you felt. You felt something, you knew that much, and you felt it for Billy the strongest. You just had a hard time believing you were in love with him. All you knew now though was that you’d managed to upset more than one member of the group and it made you feel like shit and upsetting Billy had felt like physical pain. 

By dinner time, you were making your way to their camp, feeling dread with each step you took. You’d sat at your tree for a while, replaying Billy’s harsh words over and over and that stupid sad and hurt look on his face until you got yourself up off your ass and went to hunt. You thought getting the camp some sustenance was a good apology as any and lucky for you, you’d stumbled across a deer. You’d prepped it, deciding not to keep any for yourself since you’d been such a bitch, and even used some of your precious salt on it to keep it well preserved, leaving only some for the next couple of days for them without it since it wouldn't need it. But now on the way here, you felt your stomach twist up uncomfortably and you started to feel like you couldn't breathe. You felt somewhat relieved when you saw Karen just outside of the main camp area as she hung up some clothes on a makeshift washing line. She looked over, shock flitting over her face at the sight of you before she smiled. You weren't in view of the whole camp so you hoped you could just say sorry, give her the meat and then go on your merry way without it being too awkward. 

“Hey,” she murmured, sounding somewhat hesitant like she thought you might bite her head off again.

“Hey… Sorry about before, I’m just… going through some shit,” you said sheepishly, slipping your bag off your shoulder as you grabbed the large bags of meat from it.

“I got you guys this, to say sorry,” you added, handing her the bags. She looked at them with a smile before taking them. 

“This is a lot of meat,” she mused with a wry smile and you stuffed your hands into your jacket pockets.

“I was a lot of a bitch,” you answered with a snort, making her laugh lightly.

“It’s okay, I get it. You’ve been through a lot,” she murmured.

“I have but I shouldn't have taken it out on you guys, you just wanted to help,” you frowned. 

“Are you staying for dinner?” she asked hopefully and you looked away.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, I doubt Billy wants me here,” you shook your head and she frowned a little. She opened her mouth to say something but suddenly Frank appeared, no doubt wondering where his girlfriend had gone off to. 

“Y/N, hey,” he grinned, looking genuinely happy to see you. 

“Hey, Frank,” you smiled, looking slightly awkward.

“She got us this,” Karen smiled, showing Frank the bags of meat and he smiled.

“Shit, that’s a lot of meat,” he smirked.

“That’s what I said,” Karen snorted and it made you smile a little.

“It’s deer, so it’s the good stuff,” you murmured.

“There’s a reason we call you Artemis. Come on, you’re stayin’ for dinner,” he grinned, words firm and he gave you no chance to say no as he shoved you in front of him, hands going to your shoulders as he practically guided you into the camp and you had a strong feeling he was doing it on purpose. You felt incredibly uncomfortable as he marched you into camp and all eyes turned to you. People looked shocked before muttering a whole host of hellos to you, seeming happy to see you. The kids were excited, especially when Karen announced you’d brought everyone deer. 

Your eyes drifted to Billy who was sitting by a tree again sharpening his knife and you wondered if that was all he did when he was at camp with nothing else to do. You felt that guilt well up inside you again when you thought of your earlier interaction and it only got worse when his dark eyes met yours. He looked at you for a long moment and you thought he’d look away, maybe not even acknowledge you, but instead, he moved the bag that was once again by his side, making room for you. You were wary as you walked over, sitting by him.

“I see you saw sense,” he muttered, still sharpening his knife and not looking at you.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted, unable to keep it to yourself anymore. He stopped with his knife then and looked at you for a long moment.

“Sorry for what?” he asked pointedly and you blinked at him, wondering why he was asking when he already knew.

“For being a bitch,” you explained with a wince. He scoffed, turning his eyes back to his knife as he sharpened it a little more roughly. 

“I don’t give a shit about that, I give a shit about you plannin’ on leavin’ us like we mean nothin’ to you,” he muttered bitterly and you frowned.

“I was thinking of leaving because I give a shit about you guys,” you corrected firmly and he drew his eyes back to you. His eyes scanned your face as if he was trying to figure out if you meant it, but when he saw you were being honest, his whole body seemed to relax. 

“Well, then you’re just stupid,” he huffed, his lips quirking up slightly though and you snorted. 

“Maybe I am,” you shrugged and he shot you a smile that made you feel like things would be okay. 

“So… you bagged another dear again, huh?” he asked, sounding a mix of impressed and slightly jealous.

“Yeah, I think this one was through sheer will and determination to make up for being a bitch. I think I might have manifested it into existence,” you said with a wry grin and he laughed fondly at you. You slipped your hand into your pocket and pulled out the wooden blackbird that had been there since he threw it back at you and you held it out to him. He looked at it for a moment, an incredibly guilty and sheepish look crossing his face before he took it gingerly.

“I’m sorry,” he frowned softly, toying with the bird in his hands.

“Don’t be. Like I said, I was a bitch,” you murmured, giving him a small smile. His frown didn’t ease up though and he shook his head before glancing at you.

“I shoulda been more patient with you though, I get why you’re scared to let us in. I just… I got it into my head that you just didn’t care and I was hurt,” he admitted, looking away from you. You were a little surprised by his admission, you hadn’t thought he cared that much that he’d be hurt over you going AWOL for a few days, but he’d opened up to you about his past and you wondered if maybe he had some abandonment issues. You wouldn't blame him if he did. The idea of him being hurt made your chest ache uncomfortably but it was accompanied by a contrasting warmth because it meant he cared. You really didn’t like being this confused, it was so much simpler when all you had to worry about was yourself. 

“Looks like we’re both stupid, then,” you smirked, trying to ease the heaviness between you both. It was far too much for you, especially after Matt’s earlier words. His lips curled into a wolfish grin and he gave you a lazy shrug.

“We make a good pair,” he snorted and you smiled to yourself. With the tension now broken, you felt a lot more comfortable staying for dinner. You knew this war you had raging inside of you was pointless, you were already in too deep, there would be no leaving now. And while it still left you feeling a little helpless and like you would regret it in the long run, you decided to just stop fighting yourself on this. You’d been sucked into the group, even if you were still an outsider to a degree, you couldn't take that back. It was what it was and dwelling on it wasn’t helping anyone and only causing issues with everyone. You didn’t want to keep upsetting people, especially not Billy. 

—

A few days later you were in the back of the van with Curtis as Frank drove with Billy up front. Things had pretty much gone back to normal and Billy had informed you that morning via your daily walkie talkie conversations that he would be doing a pharmacy run. Curtis’ supplies hadn’t been in the van when they’d got it back and with the looming threat of Rawlins dangling over them, they wanted to be prepared. Naturally, you’d offered to come with. Part of it was guilt, you were the reason Curtis lost most of his medical supplies to begin with, so it was only fair you went to help them replenish. You also just wanted to help. It wasn’t like you had anything better to do and you were itching to go out and throw yourself into some action. It had been far too long and while the quiet and peace could be nice, there was still that part of you that yearned for more. The pharmacy was a few hours away in the van and it was the opposite way that you’d come from after being with your group so you’d never been to it. You had no idea how stocked it might be but you knew that even small leftover supplies would be good. 

“Alright, kids, we’re here,” Frank murmured wryly as he parked up and you smiled, getting your knife ready. You brought your bow too just in case you needed it and you hopped out of the van after Curtis before following him around to the front of the Van where Billy and Frank were. It was a pretty big pharmacy and you were surprised for such a small town but you hoped that meant there would be some stuff left.

“Remember, boys, let’s keep the gunfire to a minimum, yeah?” you asked teasingly and earned a mock dirty look from Billy. They’d all brought their handguns and Billy had insisted on bringing his sniper since the danger wasn’t only the dead. 

“I think she’s gunning for your position as leader, Frank,” Curtis grinned playfully and Frank snorted.

“Shit, she can take it,” he replied, amused and Billy gave Curtis the most offended look you’d ever seen in your life.

“Wait a fuckin’ second here… who the fuck said Frank was the leader?” he asked, mouth slightly agape as he stared between his best friends.

“Everyone knows I’m the leader, man,” Frank drawled with a smirk.

“Even I know that,” you snorted, loving pushing Billy’s buttons when you got the chance. He turned his offended gaze to you then and you shot him an innocent smile. Frank gave Billy a playful slap to the cheek before he sauntered off to the pharmacy and you followed on with Curtis. Billy took a moment longer, muttering to himself how they co-led the group and you couldn't help the smile on your face.

“Everyone got their lists?” Curtis asked as you all got ready to go inside. He’d written out the things he needed most and also some other things that would be useful to get. You all had the same list so you could separate and cover the place quicker. You all muttered an affirmative and Frank banged on the front door. There were a few moans but you knew with four of you, you’d be fine and you all walked inside. It was even bigger inside than it looked from the outside and it even had a second floor. You all split up, Billy and Frank going upstairs and you and Curtis taking the lower floor but going separate ways and you dispatched any dead ones you came across. 

You wasted no time in rummaging through the many cupboards, tossing most of it in the bag you were holding. Some of it was on the list but some of it wasn’t yet you knew they could come in handy. If the others didn’t want them, you considered making yourself a supply for if you ever needed it. There was a lot more here than you thought there would be and it made you feel better about losing Curt’s old supply. You were pretty sure this would restock him. You found pain meds, antibiotics, a bunch of first aid shit and even a load of feminine hygiene products and you stuffed them all into your bag. You yourself hadn’t had a period in the longest time, your body not getting all the nutrients it needs and you honestly considered it a blessing. You had no idea though if the other girls still had their period or not and instead of being weird and asking, you knew it would be much less awkward to just get these in case they needed them. You were glancing to your list every so often as you looked through the various pill bottles and boxes, knowing that while it would be good to stock up on most things, there was some things that were useless so you tried to stick to the list as much as possible unless you knew it would be helpful in the future. You grabbed a box out and as your eyes landed on the name, your jaw clenched up so tight that you were surprised your teeth didn't shatter. Warfarin. Of course you’d find it now you didn’t need it and you cursed yourself for not searching far enough, for not searching harder. A deep agonizing pain ripped through your chest and you were so consumed with your grief that you didn’t even notice a dead one that had seemingly come from nowhere. It grabbed you and your knife clattered to the floor, yet the box stayed in your other hand tightly as if your own hand was mocking you as the roamer knocked you on your back. The blind rage you felt at yourself for not saving your brother got turned to the monster hovering over you gnashing its jaws instead and you shoved it off you, grabbing its head and slamming it into the floor over and over again with a roar. 

“The fuck happened?” Billy asked, Frank behind him and the pair were panting like they just ran down the stairs. Curtis was with them, coming back over from the complete other end of the pharmacy.

“Nothing,” you bit out, swiping your knife from the floor and standing up, the blood-splattered box still in your hand somehow.

“Remind me not to piss her off,” Frank muttered to Curtis, but you ignored him as Billy’s eyes narrowed.

“Didn’t look like nothin’ to me. Looked like you almost got a chunk bit outta you and you didn’t have your knife,” he huffed, raising his brow.

“I really don’t want another lecture, okay? I handled it, so unless you want my knife shoved up your ass, drop it,” you growled, not really paying attention as Frank led Curtis to finish up with him upstairs. You moved to storm past Billy but he grabbed your wrist tightly and whirled you around to face him. You couldn't be bothered with him saying I told you so, you weren't in the mood. When you’d told him you’d come along on the run, he’d been weird about it. He’d tried to convince you to stay behind with the others, even saying it was to help them, to keep them safe. But you knew it was bullshit. They had Matt, Foggy and Micro there and you knew Karen was pretty handy with a gun. When you hadn’t had any of his bullshit, he reluctantly admitted he didn’t want you to get hurt and you’d promptly replied to him that you weren’t some damsel in distress. 

“This is exactly why I didn’t want you to come,” he frowned, still holding your arm in his death grip and your jaw ticked, eyes narrowing dangerously. 

“I’m not made of glass, Billy! I did fine on my own before I met any of you guys, I know how to handle myself. So yeah, it crept up on me, but I dealt with it,” you glowered, snatching your hand from him. His eyes searched your face for a moment before they dropped to your hand, the one with the box in it and he quickly took it before you had a chance to stop him. His dark eyes read over the name and his annoyed face seemed to melt right off him, his eyes softer this time when he looked at you.

“Put your knife away,” he commanded and you squinted at him in confusion.

“You were the one going on about me being safe and now you want me here unarmed?” you asked slowly, like you were talking to a child. He huffed and tilted his head at you, giving you an unimpressed look.

“We’re gonna hug it out and you’re gonna feel better, but I ain’t huggin’ you when you're pissed off and got a knife in your hand,” he stated seriously, quirking a brow at you. You blinked at him dumbly for a moment as his words seeped through the anger filled haze your brain was in, but then you felt your body relax a little and his words touched you. You sighed, rolling your eyes a little because you couldn't let him know you weren't annoyed at him anymore that easily and you sheathed your knife back in your thigh holster. He moved over and wrapped his arms around you and you melted into him instantly. You liked his hugs you’d noticed. They made you feel lighter, like maybe the world wasn’t all darkness. He rubbed your back softly and you felt the pain in your chest ease up as he held you, leaning his head on yours. You’d had many talks with Billy since you’d gotten to know him and in that time, you’d elaborated on what happened to your brother, giving him the full story and it touched you that he remembered, that he knew why you were upset right now. You needed this hug more than you even realized it. He squeezed you a little and placed a kiss to the top of your head. That was new, as were the flurry of butterflies that assaulted your stomach after he’d done it.

When he moved away, you felt a lot better and gave him a sheepish smile, trying to ignore the feeling in your stomach.

“Thanks,” you murmured, feeling your cheeks burn a little. 

“Feel better?” he asked, eyeing you carefully.

“Yeah,” you answered and he smiled with a nod. He tossed the meds in his hand onto the counter, having no use for them now and you wondered if he wanted to get rid of them so you didn’t get upset again. As he tossed them though, his list fell out of his hand and you bent down to scoop it up. You barely glanced at it before he’d snatched it off you and you furrowed your brows a little.

“What was that?” you asked warily. On the bottom of his list had been something scribbled in Billy’s writing and while you hadn't had time to read what it was, you knew it wasn’t on your list.

“Nothin’,” he muttered, quickly putting the list in his jacket pocket. Your eyes narrowed to slits at his lie and you wouldn’t deny that the fact he was lying to you stung a little. But as if reading the hurt on your face, he sighed, looking away for a moment before back at you.

“They’re prenatal vitamins… Sarah’s pregnant. The others don’t know yet,” he admitted quietly. You stared blankly at him for a minute, your mouth opening and closing a good few times. 

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that? It sounded an awful lot like you said people thought it was a good idea to have a baby in the middle of an apocalypse,” you muttered dryly. You couldn't help it though, you felt shocked but you also felt worried. They already had two kids which was hard enough with food being so hard to acquire and a baby would be harder to care for. What if Sarah’s milk supply didn’t come in or wasn’t enough, where would they find formula? And babies cry all the damn time, no matter what it is they need, how the fuck were they supposed to stop a baby from screaming the place down and calling the dead to them like a dinner bell? And that wasn’t even touching the birth itself. You were living in the dark ages in this new world, much like people had before modern medicine. And before modern medicine, a lot of people died from childbirth. Not everyone could have a natural birth and medical intervention was incredibly common. Your old friend Lilly had a terrible birth a few years ago. She’d intended on having a perfect water birth and not having an epidural but everything had gone wrong. She’d been in so much pain and the baby got stuck so they had to give her an epidural and wound up giving her an emergency forceps delivery. What happened if Sarah needed the same? What if she needed a c-section?

“I know it’s not ideal, but it is what it is, so…” Billy trailed off, frowning himself and looking as worried as you were. But then he looked at you properly then, how your brows were creased, how you looked off, clearly lost in your own head and he took your hand, bringing your eyes to him.

“It’ll be fine. We got Curt here and shit, we’ll get all the things we need to make sure whatever happens, everyone’ll be okay,” he murmured reassuringly. You nodded, still not feeling settled with the idea and you knew deep down, he wasn’t too. Things were about to get a lot harder. With that bomb dropped on you, you and Billy got back to work in silence until you got everything Curtis had asked for. Before long, everything was loaded up into the van and the guys were all in good spirits by the things they’d managed to find. Billy wound up sitting with you in the back this time and unlike Curtis who had sat opposite you on the way here, Billy sat right next to you. He opened his arm out to you and you shuffled closer, leaning into his side as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and you really liked the closeness you felt with him. You felt safe like this. Despite the few hiccups you’d had, you felt accomplished with the day. You’d gone out, got to kill a few roamers and helped get Curtis his stuff back. It had been eventful and that was just what you missed in the safety of the treehouse, the monotony of it all was awful to you. It felt like a breath of fresh air to be out here again doing something meaningful and you’d admit it felt good doing it with others. Back on your own, this kind of thing didn't feel the same, wasn’t as satisfying when it was just for you. You remembered your talk with Billy a while ago, when he took you to the highway to cheer you up. He’d told you that you felt like you had nothing to fight for, but now as you sat there listening to the guys laugh and joke with each other, you felt like maybe you’d finally found that once more. 

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@firexfate

@blanchedelioncourt

@ariesbutalibra

@sunshinedaisies-anddeath

@snowkestrel

@music-indie-tv

@idaofinfinity

@sweetserendipity65

@ramadiiiisme

@k-marzolf

@celestialams

@woowwwee

[loreleismusings99]

Two Body Problem

Ch 2

[Masterlist]

Mark's having a crisis and doesn't understand Shakespere references.

You and Mark have an impromptu duel, and a much needed heart to heart follows.

AN: turns out the energy and motivation was there to write more. As always, let me know what you think, and thank you for taking the time to read this 💚

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"What the fuck-" 

Mark shuts the door to his and Colin's apartment and lets his satchel slump to the ground with a dull thud. 

"What's got you out of sorts now?" Colin calls out from his room next to their small kitchen after turning down the The Dead Kennedys album he's playing. Mark walks further into the apartment and searches around in their fridge for something to sip on while updating Colin on the state of the crisis he's been in the throws of since the little grading session he had with you the previous night. 

"The bane of my existence for this past year is driving me up a wall," Mark settles on a Pepsi, and plops himself down on their couch he brought over from an estate sale in Evanston. "I made the most inconsequential of mistakes during my office hours and they just had to show up just to correct me in the most humiliating way possible--in front of a student no less-" 

"By embarrassing, do you mean actually embarrassing, or are you just upset at being wrong and getting called out on it?" Colin asks bluntly. 

"Dude, whose side are you on?" Mark scoffs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, I didn't know there were sides again." Colin retorts before standing up from his chair and leaning in the doorway leading out of his room and sighs. "I thought you two were getting along, what happened?"

Mark groans and runs a hand down his face. "I don't know... I feel like getting under eachother's skin has become a habit at this point. Like, if feels weird to be civil." Mark says into a swig of Pepsi. Since the two of you met, the both of you have always been all teeth and snark, finding new ways to raise the others blood pressure. Trying to turn that around now, however advantageous it was, felt like trying to fit a square peg through a round hole.  

"These things take time, you know." Colin says with a raised eyebrow. "You need to actually bond with them, make an effort to get along before you can expect them to do the same." 

"I wish it were easier; sometimes it's impossible to figure out what's going on in their head..." Mark sighs out dejectedly as he props his feet up on the coffee table. 

Colin considers Mark for a moment before asking, "Have you maybe tried asking them? What's going on, I mean; how they're feeling?" 

"What, and let them know I might care about them?" Mark let's out a deflated chuckle before uttering a soft "no thank you." As much as he dispised you, Mark found himself thinking a lot about you in a way he wasn't used to. When he met you, he mistook you for an undergrad with how uptight and nervous you seemed, but after seeing you in his advanced controls class and watching you pick appart his work with the precision of a surgeon, he quickly recalibrated his perception of you, having proved yourself to be quite the formidable force in Northwestern's academic ecosystem. You were the kind of person who let their work speak for itself, and you had the chops to back it up too. Hell, he'd maybe even allow himself to admit how much you intimidate him if it wouldn't bruise his pride too much-

"Therein lies the root of your troubles, mon frère-" 

"Ugh, please don't psychoanalyze me-" 

"You're afraid of getting to close, of what you'll find if you take the time to actually delve into what you and others are feeling. Maybe start there, and you might actually get somewhere with them and you can stop all this-" Colin gestures wildly at Mark who's somehow wriggled around so that he's lying face down on their couch, thinking that if he isn't looking at Colin then what he's saying will somehow be less correct, "melodrama and strife-filled grumbling. Hopefully sooner thather than later, though, I need you at your best for trivia tonight." 

Mark groans into the seat cushion currently molded to his face, "fuck, that's tonight?"

"Sure is, Mr. Benedick of Pauda. but you should be just fine, considering your area of expertice. Tonight's theme is the planets apparently," Colin calls out his response as he starts walking towards their kitchen to pick up an apple.

Mark turns his head and shoots Colin a confused look before asking, "...The celestial bodies or the orchestral suite by Holst?" 

"Could be either--no further clarification was given." Colin shrugs. " But between you and Meghan, we should have both bases covered" He says, referring to a mutual friend in the music department.

"Well, at least we have Meghan..." Mark sighs into the couch cushions again, and Colin rolls his eyes. "God Mark, If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're lovesick over your so-called 'rival'" Colin says with a chuckle. 

"Well, it's a good thing you know better, then." Mark's mumbles into the cushions, sending Colin into a laughing fit. 

☆☆☆

"Please, you gotta help me out! You dont have to join, it'll just be for tonight, I swear" Hana hangs onto your hands, walking backwards as the two of you stroll through the quad, on your way to different classes. 

"What happened to your girlfriend, Vanessa? Doesn't she usually go with you to trivia night?" You question, raising an eyebrow at how dramatic she's being about this.

"Yes, but she's dog-sitting for her Aunt in Hinsdale and won't be able to make it tonight. Hence my dilemma." Hana planted herself between you and the path to your destination and rested her hands on her hips. "Please? It'll be fun, and it's for a prize, we'll split it with you." 

You considered her for a moment before sighing and conceding, "fine, but you're buying me dinner while we're there." 

Hana clapped her hands together, "Deal!" She then looked down to her watch as the union bell rang throughout campus. "Shit, I'm late-" starting to jog away she calls over her shoulder, "I'll see you tonight! Thank you!!" 

You let out a sigh of resignation before continuing back on your path to your signals and systems class. 

Trivia. Seems easy enough. She said that the theme was "planets" so it shouldn't be too difficult; you work at the Adler planetarium, so you already had knowledge to work with under your belt.

A rogue thought runs through your mind as you walk into the ECE building, I wonder if Mark's gonna be there. Heh, it would be lovely to get the chance to wipe that smug look off his face again. Thinking about his face, though, proves to be a dangerous line to cross; you find yourself reminiscing about the night previous, remembering the heat radiating off Mark's body as he finished your work on the whiteboard. He smelled faintly of cinnamon sugar(which surprised you, you didnt expect him to be into more gourmand sents, let alone sweet ones). He has flecks of brown suspended in his mostly green irises, so rich in color they almost looked russet in the study room's florencent light, and his flaxen hair looked so soft--

You shook your head in an attempt to free yourself from spiraling down that train of thought. You can't let him effect you like this, that way lies madness and possibly ruin for your reputation. Feeding into that gives him the upper hand, which is, of course, unacceptable. You took your usual seat in the classroom and took out your laptop. 

Hopefully this lecture'll be sufficiently distracting...

☆☆☆

The sheer volume of people and conversation happening is bordering on overestimating as you walk into the busy bar Hana directed you to when you asked where this 'trivia night' was. You shuffled past full tables and busy servers until you found where Hana, and a friend of hers--you think their name's Booker?--are seated. 

"Oh, thank God you made it, we're about to get started-" you set down your bag and look up, expecting to see Hana's face but instead locking eyes with a pair of viridecent ones. You can feel you heart drop to your stomach as the realization that Mark is also here sets in.

"You've got to be kidding me." The two of you utter at the same time. You feel a hand on your shoulder and whip your head around to see Hana with an apologetic look on her face. 

"I didn't know he was also going to be here, he isn't around every time." Hana says, trying to console you as youtpull your chair out from the table. 

"It's fine," you take your seat at the table and look up at Mark, smirking at him with a competitive glint in your eyes. This just got a lot more interesting. 

"What is carbon dioxide!" You say forcefully after hitting your team's buzzer. The past 10 questions have been about various planets in the solar system and you and Mark have been dominating the field . You look to your right at Mark to see his reaction; his hand is a mere milimiter above his team's buzzer; the overly confident smirk he started the game with is still present, but he's getting fidgetty. You're making him nervous. Good.

"Correct! Now, moving on to the Red Planet with this next question: Martian regolith has many things in common with that in the red rock canyon on Earth save for its lack of biological material and the presence of this compound that makes it marginally toxic-" Mark reaches for and hits his buzzer before you get the chance to hit yours. 

"What are perchlorates!" Mark calls out and you sit back dejectedly in your chair; whatever. I knew that, I could've totally answered that. 

"Correct!" Mark also sits back in his chair, but in relief. He runs a hand through his hair and looks at you with a... genuine smile on his face? The look in Mark’s eyes hold less of a boasting, and more of a hopeful air to them. If you didn't know any better, you'd say it looks like he's looking for a sign of approval. You were glaring holes into his skull before, but seeing the look in Mark's eyes causes your frown to soften into a soft and muted surprise. This moment is broken not 1 second later though when Mark twists his face into an impish grin and sticks his tongue out at you. 

"Wha- the audacity-" you say scandalized and look away from Mark, hoping he doesn't see you trying and failing to suppress an amused grin of your own at the immature gesture.

The two of you go back and forth answering questions until the questions run dry and you stalemate, your teams running out of time to do a tie-breaker. The two groups start to pack up and pay their respective tabs, and you gather up your bag onto your shoulder, saying goodnight to Hana and Booker (who verified that was, indeed, their name just before the game started) before making your way out of the bar.

You're walking down the sidewalk towards a bus stop shelter before you hear your name being called out behind you. You turn to see Mark jogging to catch up to you, and you pause to let him. Mark starts walking with you and asks, "where are you headed? You aren't headed back with Hana?" 

"No, I live in uptown--Hana's headed back to Evanston." You respond taking out your phone to check the time while you pull your coat tighter around you, trying to block out the cold Chicago wind. 

Mark is silent for a moment, considering you with an indicernable look--the same one he had the previous night when you two parted ways at the library. He looks out at the traffic infront of the bus stop shelter and sticks his hands in his pockets before asking, "that's actually where I'm headed too..." He trails off, looking lost in thought. 

You Interrupt his pondering by asking, "oh, okay. speaking of that, actually, where's Colin? Isn't he headed back home too?" raising an eyebrow in confusion up at him. 

Mark looks down at the concrete. "Nah, he's headed out with Megan and her partner to spend the night at their place to work on an assignment together. Some paper about the bubonic plague and secular mideval music?" He answers questioningly and looks up from the ground and at you, and you're suddenly reminded of the weight of Mark's presence. He doesn't really tower over you--in fact, he's only a few inches taller than you--but he'd be hard to miss. He stands with an air of poise you didnt expect after meeting him at that mixer only a few months ago now. He's surprisingly still; it took you a while to notice, but over time you discovered that Mark rarely moves unnecessarily or accidentally. Every gesture, every step he takes is effortless and made to look laissez, but are undeniably efficient. Around you, though, he's different; he loses the choreographed air to his movement and it makes every movement he makes around you feel monumental. Like you're a planet whose movements cause ripples in the fabric of his space time. 

"Oh." You give a muted response and look away from him, the intensity of...whatever is happening to you right now becoming too much. Mark picks up on this and leans away from you slightly.

Mark looks quickly behind him then back at you as he says, "Hey, I can take a different route back; there are other ways outta downtown-" and you cut him off with a hand on his shoulder. The contact sending a bolt of energy up your arm and straight to your chest.

"No no, it's okay. It's probably for the best that we go together anyway. Safety in numbers, right?" You look at him with the friendliest smirk you can muster. It takes a noticeably long eat of time before Mark answers, seemingly distracted by something.

"Yeah...Yeah, of course." You nod at this and return your hand to your pocket. Mark looks past you and down the street before saying, "looks like our bus is here." The two of you show your student IDs and find a couple of seats in a well lit corner of the bus. The two of you sit in silence for a beat before Mark speaks up, finally breaking the silence.

"So... have you heard that Winston's moving to UChicago in the Spring?" Mark looks over to you as you turn your head to give him a confused look, wondering what he could possibly be getting at. 

"I actually haven't--different department, remember?" You respond with a smirk.

"Ah yeah, well... supposedly they offered her more funding so she's taking her lab and students with her--at least the ones who want to leave." 

"Facinating." 

"Yeah, indeed." 

The two of you sit, silently looking at each other, before the both of you burst out in a fit of laughter. 

"God that was... possibly the worst attempt at small talk I've ever heard-" you choke out in-between laughs and gasps of air. 

"Well, you don't exactly make it easy" Mark laughs back. And you frown slightly, finally starting to compose yourself. 

"What do you mean?"

Mark pauses and lets out a laugh before looking first down at his hands, then up at the empty seats infront of you. "...It's hard to tell what's on your mind sometimes; I'm, uh... I'm used to people being a lot easier to read than you are." Mark looks over to you on his left then back down at his hands, which have started to fidget with a red REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT tag attached to his key ring. "Which leads to me trying to talk to you about gossip in a department you aren't even in." He let's out with a scoff and looks out the bus windows infront of you two as the city lights zip past.

You take him in visually for a moment, considering what he just shared with you. First the prospect of being hard for him to read makes you proud, but that quickly gives way to a surprising melancholy. You find yourself kind of wanting him to be able to read you. To share with him as much as he shares with you. Finally you break your silence and ask him, "why Botany?"

"...What?"

"Why Botany? What calls you to it? What makes the hours of writing and literature review worth it?" 

Mark looks at you and considers this for a moment before answering. "You know, I actually studied engineering in undergrad? Well, molecular engineering. There's something very profound in building something--starting from the bottom up. your effort and energy turning into something tangible that can interact with and help the world.

During the pandemic, I picked up gardening with my dad and I got that same feeling. I realized that nature's an engineer too; it builds these wonderful structures and systems around us. Systems we can find novel uses for and are beutiful in their own right." He closes his eyes, shakes his head, and laughs. "You're probably gonna think this is corny, but the prospect of getting to build something with that, to make it easier for someone to get food and water here on Earth or elsewhere..." Mark trails off looking out into the distance behind you before meeting your eyes. "That's, honestly,  incredibly thrilling. Not just to build using nature, but to build with nature. To work together with it." 

When Mark talks like this, it's like a mask slips off and you can see the inner workings of his mind. His motivations, his love, his fear, his joy, all layed bare to you. "Thats not corny at all." You respond with a soft smile before you begin to share yourself. "...One of my earliest memories is watching lighting strike a transformer outside my bedroom window as a toddler. I remember feeling like time slowed down, like I could feel it's power through the window pane. I watched the bolt travel down the power cables and shut off power for my entire block and the next neighborhood. It felt like magic. That something from the sky could effect the light bulbs, the tvs, the family computer. Could be powerful enough to tear the sky apart just to seek ground.

When I learned we could harness what causes it to power the world, to make sand think and calculate, to even help fix something wrong in us, to give someone life again... it feels like the closest humans can get to being superheroes. Magicians pushing electrons around to get us to the Moon, or to monitor someones health. I don't think enough people realize that we aren't that different from a circuit. Humans have more in common with the machines we build than we realize. That the heart's a capacitor driven pump. That technology isn't the antithesis to all things natural. That it is natural." 

This time you look down at your hands and let out a scoff. "It's funny how ironic that sounds." You run a hand down your face before continuing, "especially considering how hard this all has been." 

"What do you mean?" Mark asks carefully, tilting his head to see your face better. 

"...I, uh, don't come from a long line of academics like you do," you laugh out, "I've no guide or blue-print to follow. No-one to teach me but experience and my advisor. I'm the first in my family to get into a PhD program. Which comes with its own set of expectations and pressures." You pause for a moment, looking out ahead of you before continuing, "It's hard to feel like I even belong here sometimes..." you hear Mark turn in his seat so that he's fully facing you now. He says your name and you turn to look him in the eye. 

"When I say this, know I mean this with every fiber of my being: you deserve to be here. More than most of the people that go here. You're fucking brilliant. I know we get under eachothers skin just a little-" 

"Understatemt of the century-" 

"Would you please not ruin the moment we're having right now?" Mark interrups you back with a laugh and you laugh with him. "You're one of the few people I really have to use my brain for when I'm talking to them. You're too good to mess up around. You make me actually try." The bus's automated announcement calls out your stop and you tug on the stop signal cable. "And, I hope I do the same for you, at least."

The bus stops and the two of you stand to disembark. As you start walking towards your building, you look up at Mark and say, "you do.... Probably more than you realize." 

Mark looks down at his shoes and sways to bump his shoulder into yours, a goofy-looking grin lighting up his face. His shoulders warm and feeling it against you is surprisingly grounding.

Mark walks you up to the entrance of your building before saying goodnight and walking off in the direction you presume his apartment building is in. You close the door and start walking down the hallway leading to the elevator before pausing to process what just happened. You used to hate Mark. He used to be an obstacle in your path. A distraction at best, and an active hindrance at worst. Now, though, you can't find it in you to conjure up the malice you used to feel for him. What's taken its place is this warm feeling of... comraderie? Mutual understanding? Fondness??? You take a breath before running a hand down your face and walking up to the elevator doors. 

"... what the fuck..."

[killerpancakeburger]

Vent///

This world really fucking hates introverts. Like. Holy shit. Can you let me live?? We can’t ALL be the life of the party or whatever. No I can’t be besties with my 20 coworkers. Who cares. Why does it matter for a JOB!!!! Why can’t it be enough to be polite and amiable!!

And I can’t help but wonder if I get those comments bc Im young and/or a woman?? Cos I have a male coworker twice my age who's even more asocial than me and guess what!! No one harasses him for it!! He even gets his own office, working peacefully! Without the pressure to change his whole personnality or something!!

My boss even somehow tried to psychoanalyze me or something, asking if I was happy rn and how many friends I had in school. Im sorry. How the FUCK is it any of your business????

As if it wasn’t hard enough having to hear my mom ask why I'm *still* not happy/not better mentally. At least I know she asks bc she feels bad for me. But my boss??

Besides that, I feel backstabbed by how she suddenly mentionned needing an accountant, and not an assistant. 3 months ago YOU said I could CHOSE whether I do the training to become one or not?? That NO ONE would be FORCED?? You didnt react when I said no in front of the others, and suddenly you summon me alone in ur office to tell me the opposite?? That either I do your bidding or Im out?? She perfectly knew three months ago that she'd need an accountant, and yet she let me believe for THREE WHOLE MONTHS that I could remain at my current position? That I could get it as a part time and now suddenly I can only get the part time if I get promoted??? When she perfectly knows I need the part time bc of my chronic fatigue????

And despite all this she'll dare to say to my face that I can be honest about everything?? As if shes not gonna be mad if I tell her she strang me along all this time.

I don't want the promotion cos Id rather have less responsabilities/workload bc it allows me to feel less pressured. Also bc the additionnal work isnt interesting imo. But I could consider it ig. *If* I wasnt cornered into it.

She's now basically telling me that I can’t reject the training to get promoted bc I need to try and see if I like it. What kind of reasonning is that...

It's just. I felt like I was finally finding my footing. Only to get kicked down like that.

This isnt helping at all. This doesnt make me wanna fit it, it makes me wanna quit the job and lock myself home forever. Like yeah I know I cant reasonnably hold down a job when I'm absent twice a month and late almost every day, sometimes even by 45 min. I know how it looks. I wasnt always like this. Every day I wish I could go back. Get my health and energy back.

Guess I won't work then. It's a waste of a diploma, but it was naive of me to imagine that companies would be any more understanding of my handicap than university was.

[pinnithin-writes]

A Helminthic Romance

Short story about a girl who falls in love with her intestinal parasite, told through entries in the narrator's journal.

[Posting these in short installments in conjunction with the the dates of the journal entries.]

Read on Ao3

<- May//June//

June 1

Will messaged me again. I should just block his number at this point. He seriously asked me if I wanted to hang out, after everything that happened. I don’t know what he doesn’t get about “don’t speak to me again.”

I’m looking back at my entries from spring break and realizing I never actually talked about the aftermath. There’s like, a two week gap where I didn’t even write anything. I guess it was too raw then. Now that it’s been a couple months it’s kind of scabbed over, so I can poke at it a little. 

After he cheated he tried to go back to how things were before. I don’t know if he was counting on me not finding out or was just planning on lying about it or what, but when I tried to confront him about it he just acted like it hadn’t happened. I had to show him the screenshots to make him actually acknowledge it.

“You can’t just act like spring break doesn’t count,” I told him, and he was like, what does it matter? I’ll never see her again. And then he added a passive aggressive comment about how he couldn’t expect me to give him everything he needed, so he filled in the gaps where he could.

I hate to say it but that was my breaking point, not the cheating. I was almost willing to forgive him and let him have another chance after that. I mean, it’s not like anyone has ever shown any romantic interest in me before him, and it’s unlikely I’ll get another shot at love anytime soon. And I did like him. I still do, really.

But then he went and said that? I gave him everything. I carved out hours of my life to hang out with him. I listened to his stories about how his parents hit him and how all his exes used and discarded him and I hugged him while he cried and I held his hand while he learned to heal. 

We could have been something. He was my broken doll and I was his starving dog. The only two people fucked up enough to understand each other. 

I should have known establishing a boundary would have been taken as an attack. He’s been hurt too many times to assume good intentions. But he didn’t have to turn around and cheat on me.

Just because I can’t figure out what I want doesn’t mean I’m not able to tell what I don’t want. I knew I didn’t want to move in with him after only dating for six months. It didn't matter that I was aging out of the dorms. I didn’t want to live with him because that would give him a front row seat to all the weird shit I do behind closed doors and I knew I wasn’t ready for that. 

I think he took me signing the lease with Gina as a sign that I was going to leave him just like the rest of his exes. The first in a series of steps to distance myself after he showed me all the undesirable parts of him, and I’d decided I couldn’t handle it. If he knew all my undesirable parts he’d have known it would take quite a lot for me to draw the line. Maybe he tried to find where the line was early so he could save himself some heartbreak. Or something.

This is so fucking stupid that I just inherently psychoanalyze people. Thanks, Mom. He’s already wasted so much of my time, but here I am wasting more of it figuring out why he thought that was okay.

God. Whatever. The worm’s doing fine. The one inside my body, that is, not the other one. I’ve sort of gotten used to the indigestion, and it’s nice I can eat whatever I want now. It seems to perk up when I feed it chocolate covered pretzels, which is great because I love eating those. 

I really thought for a second about naming the tapeworm Will, just as a funny joke to myself about how Will is a parasite, but this feels like kind of an insult to the worm. It hasn’t led me on for months only to decide I wasn’t worth the emotional effort of waiting on me. All the worm ever does is wait on me, really. It just sits there in a dark little part inside of me I’ll never get to see, waiting patiently for whatever I decide to give it. It doesn’t complain, and it never leaves because it can’t.

I think I want to be kind to it. It didn’t choose these circumstances, much like a child doesn’t choose to be born. The least I can do is treat it well while it’s forced to exist in my digestive tract.

I don’t know. I shouldn’t name it Will, but I should probably name it something, now that I think about it. We’re past the point of avoiding missing it when it’s gone - I’ll miss it. We’ve already spent so much time together and it’s always there with me. But what does one name a worm that’s attached to your intestines, eating when you eat, sleeping when you sleep, fully dependent on you?

And  if we’re being honest I’m a little dependent on it, not only for getting my weight down, but for keeping me on a schedule. I’d probably be in bed all day long if the worm didn’t stir every once in a while, reminding me to go about the daily maintenance of being alive. I actually showered today because my stomach hurt so bad I couldn’t stay curled up in bed any longer. It’s like it’s reminding me to keep being a person.

Hard to pick a name for someone that important. 

[starcrossedmoonlet]

Hello and welcome to this blog!

My name is Comet Yuusonya, and I'm the host here! Feel free to call me just about anything--Comet, Yuu, Prefect, Grim's Mother, whatever works. My friends and I are all here to answer questions, rp, chat, whatever else! A list of everyone included here will be at the bottom of the post.

Come get to know us--ask whatever questions you'd like! Let me set some ground rules really quick.

1. NO NSFW -- Flirting is fine, but no NSFW. A lot of us are minors or freshly 18, and A LOT of us are asexual.

2. Please be kind! I am just a girl, a child, even. Please treat me as you would another human being. I have boundaries and I want them respected. This extends to all my friends.

3. Please be patient! Life's kinda busy, things happen. If we don't respond immediately, we'll get back within a day or two. Please don't bug us about responding to your asks, I promise we see them.

4. We curse here! This means you can to, but if you don't want anything to do with that, probably best to steer clear. I never use curse words to insult another, and neither should you. No slurs either please. Those are my only rules on cursing here. Otherwise be free to say fuck lmao

5. Fellow OCs are welcomed here and encouraged to interact!!! Tell me everything about your OCs I love them all!!!!

6. This is a safe place! No judging others' identities, OCs, requests, etc--including mine.

Here's a masterlist of everyone here, including their main tags!

Comet Yuusonya

Hi! I'm Comet, Yuu works too--I'm the Ramshackle Prefect. I was magicless when I got here, but... now I'm not! Local therapist, Grim's mother, and widely feared for my ability to psychoanalyze people. She/her pronouns, asexual, polyamorous Twisted from Rapunzel and Princess Anna

#comet yuu answers things : questions I answer, pretty self explanitory #comet yuu rambles : if I get kind of ramble-y, I'll add this tag. #comet yuu daily lyrics : for lyrics from songs I either relate to or just like !

Heaven

Greetings, you may call me Heaven. I reside within the halls of Ramshackle, though I come from a realm beyond this one. So long as you do not bring harm to our prefect, you shall be spared. She/her pronouns, polyamorous, has never commented on her sexuality. Twisted from the bride from the Haunted Mansion. #Heaven replies : For when you speak to me.

James Steelclaw From Savanaclaw

'sup, name's james. local jaguar beastman in spelldrive. teachers hate me, learn my secret today! /j He/him pronouns, bisexual, polyamorous. Twisted from the jaguars in Emperor's new Groove. #james speaks : general tag for me. idc if its questions or just me talkin outta my ass.

Lance Everett

Hi, I'm Lance, it's so exciting to meet you! I'm a Savanaclaw student, though I wish I were in Pomefiore with my buddy Emilio... that's okay, though, I enjoy the temperature here. I love animals and communicating with them. Maybe we can be friends? He/him pronouns, unspecified sexuality but clearly likes men. Twisted from Kronk. #Hello from Lance! : Any of my posts!

Buggie Orville

heeeyyyy whazzup name'z buggie, azul AND jamil'z #1 nuisance !!!!!! find me behind Mostro Lounge in my DEFINITELY LEGAL gambling ring and speakeasy ;) don't mind the bugz, they're my budz! they don't bite unlezz i don't like you! :D They/it/he, bug/bugself pronouns, asexual, demi and panromantic, polyamorous. Twisted from Oogie Boogie. #rollin the dice : anything from me <3

Emilio Nowell

Greetings all. Emilio Nowell here, a proud Pomefiore student and pro at chemistry. Should you wish to speak with me, I suppose I shall grant you some of my time. Though, I'd imagine Lance is more fun to speak to... have you tried his spinach puffs? They're simply to die for. He/him pronouns, gay. Twisted from Yzma. #From Emilio : When I am speaking, I will add this tag.

Igni Hayes

uhhh hi whats up, my name's ignacio but igni is fine! um i'm from ignihyde, im the resident goth, cant shut up about flowers, and drama king to the max haha. h. hope we can be friend sorry if i'm awkward it's the social anxiety He/him pronouns, pansexual, polyamorous. Twisted from Pain and Panic. #Ignis replies : for asks #gothichanahaki : my general tag

Jun'ichi Sasaki

Come learn about me yourself. He/him, unspecified sexuality. Twisted from Robert Callaghan / Yokai from Big Hero Six. #Sasaki Junichi : General.

Everest Grove

Hello! Call me Everest. I'm a mushroom fae from Briar Valley, new to Diasomnia and the Mountain Lovers Club. I enjoy sketching and hikes, perhaps you'd like to join me? I'm a little quiet, but I promise I mean no harm. They/them pronouns, asexual, panromantic polyamorous. Twisted from background fairies in the live action Maleficent. #Everests Grove : Anything I post!

Wade Krillis

Yo what's up everyone, name's Wade. I just transfered to NRC not too long ago... I'm in Diasomnia. I'm in spelldrive, but I think I like the arts on land, I'd like to get into that. Please don't be too put off by my style, promise I'm not dangerous! I just like being punk. :) He/him pronouns, unspecified sexuality. Not twisted from any Disney character, but heavily correlated with Octavinelle. #Thoughts from Wade : My posts, whether asks or not!

Comet again! I'll add character info sheets in case you want pictures and more information soon! Until then, thanks for stopping by! Hope we can be friends! Don't forget to drink water! Until next time! Find my main at @elysia-nsimp