#but then all post-covid seasons have been every two years or more

[thenotoriousscuttlecliff]

if Rings of Power gets renewed it should be for at least two more seasons shot back to back just to lessen the gabs between seasons. Same with Wheel of Time. I'm honestly surprised HBO didn't decide to do that with House of the Dragon since it has already been decided they'll only do two more seasons but they've only commissioned S3.

[brostateexam]

While public appetite for Covid news is low, experts say the stakes for communicating about respiratory illnesses are deceptively high. An ongoing bird flu outbreak and a small but deadly swine flu outbreak in Colombia this year have public health experts worried that another flu pandemic is all but assured in coming years. As government officials downplayed Covid, flu, and other deadly viruses in recent years—shortening Covid isolation times and lifting restrictions—misinformation about measles, another respiratory illness, has proliferated. A massive measles outbreak is currently roiling Europe, and Florida has now reported multiple cases at a single school. State officials who rose to prominence by opposing Covid measures said the 200 unvaccinated students who had been exposed did not need to quarantine.

Then there is the threat of more novel viruses; dangerous new coronaviruses have emerged every seven to nine years in the past two decades, which means we may be soon see another. In the meantime, Covid is still hospitalizing and killing people even with current guidelines; it could get worse when people are urged to move more freely while contagious.

In theory, we should be better equipped than ever before to counter these threats. “Covid has elevated the amount of access and information and awareness that we have [of] seasonal respiratory viruses,” said Erin Sorrell, senior scholar at the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security. Covid taught us that these respiratory viruses can be airborne, that asymptomatic people can still infect others, and that the time it takes to stop shedding the virus can vary widely; we also learned what we can do to lessen these challenges.

The CDC has yet to make the proposed changes public—or even confirm the Post’s report. When I contacted the agency for comment on this piece, a spokesperson responded that there are “no updates to COVID guidelines to announce at this time,” and the agency “will continue to make decisions based on the best evidence and science to keep communities healthy and safe.” But the guidelines outlined by the Post’s three sources would run counter to the available research on Covid and other respiratory illnesses—presumably in order to satisfy economic and political interests. The consequences both for contagion and public trust, should the agency follow through on these plans, could be severe.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved in our archive

By Julia Musto

Wearing a mask helps to prevent the spread of respiratory illnesses, according to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Social media users slammed the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention after the federal agency shared a post recommending Americans wear a mask to help protect themselves against catching the flu.

“The best way to reduce your risk from seasonal flu is to get a flu vaccine but preventive actions like taking steps for cleaner air or wearing a mask are two additional ways you can protect yourself and others this fall,” the CDC said.

“Ugh go away,” responded X user @lovelycoconut.

“We are not wearing masks in big 2024,” said @newbootscoobin. “P**s off.”

A third user tried to get the attention of the platform’s Community Notes contributors, who work to provide context on “potentially misleading posts.”

And, another hit at the effectiveness of this year’s flu shot, citing a recent article in USA Today that detailed research finding this season’s trivalent influenza vaccine reduced the risk for hospitalization by 34 percent. The report cited a Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health associate professor who said experts typically expect that number to be around 50 percent. February data had found vaccines from last season had been 42 percent effective.

“It’s a little bit disappointing,” Dr Kawsar Talaat said. “This is on the lower end of what would be expected but not outside the range.”

Dr Jeremy Faust from Boston’s Brigham and Women’s Hospital pointed out that the figure is an average in an op-ed in The New York Times last week.

“Effectiveness also varied by age and other risk factors, and most likely differed based on when in the season people got their shots. It was 31 percent effective in older people and 59 percent effective for young adults with medical comorbidities, another important target group,” he said.

As vaccine effectiveness wanes over time, he advised people to wait for the next month or so and pointed out that many who have already gotten vaccines have lingering immunity. People who reliably get flu shots every year may have cumulative benefits. This year’s version protects against swine flu, the H3N2 virus, and a B/Victoria lineage virus.

The CDC says the best way to reduce the risk of seasonal flu remains getting the vaccine, but that preventative actions can also help to prevent respiratory illness. They instruct people to cover their mouth and nose, as influenza viruses are believed to spread mainly by droplets that are made when people sickened with flu cough, sneeze, or talk.

“Wearing a mask is an additional prevention strategy that you can choose to do to further protect yourself and others. When worn by a person with an infection, masks reduce the spread of the virus to others,” it says. “Masks can also protect wearers from breathing in infectious particles from people around them.”

Many people had fairly partisan reactions to mask recommendations during the height of the Covid pandemic. Many questioned their effectiveness in preventing the spread of Covid, with studies since then reaffirming guidance from health officials.

An Ohio Republican Senate candidate posted a video of himself burning a mask in 2021, with the caption: “Freedom.”

Currently, CDC wastewater activity for the Covid is low across the US and deaths are trending down. But, California counties have issued new mandates in health care settings this month.

Last year, more than 44,900 people were estimated to have died from flu complications.

Across all US states and territories, influenza levels remain minimal. But, peak flu season doesn’t hit until December and lasts through February.

Some social media users hypothesized that the CDC’s posts could be in response to recent human cases of H5N1, which is colloquially known as bird flu. California cases have recently surpassed double digits, and around 120 herds of livestock have also been infected.

“I suspect they are attempting to (badly) prepare the public for bird flu…” said @mo_journeys.

“CDC soft launching masks again as H5N1 continues to pose more and more problems,” wrote @veggiequeen420.

The first known case of transmission to a human in the US occurred just two years ago. While the CDC is watching the situation carefully and working with states to minimize exposure to H5 bird flu, it says the current public health risk is low. Japan, however, recently raised its risk to the highest level. More than half of cases worldwide from 2003 to April of this year resulted in death, according to the World Health Organization.

[flurry-of-beaus-pop-pop]

Based off your NCIS: Hawai’i cancelation post. What are your thoughts on the cancellation? If it is just, why do you believe so?

Let's break it down!

Factor 1: Filming in Hawaii

Hawaii as a filming location is going to be more expensive than filming somewhere like LA, NYC, or Chicago. Not only will there be more individuals who will have to relocate when you're filming somewhere like Hawaii versus the mainland, meaning that you're going to have a higher cost associated relocation costs (all of which are typical in a negotiated contract), but travel expenses are also going to be higher for guest stars, directors, writers, etc., cost of living/lodging is going to be higher, cost of materials are going to be higher, it's all going to be higher in a location like Hawaii than a location like LA, NYC, or Chicago.

Factor 2: More Seasons = More Money

The longer a television show is on air, the more expensive a television show gets to make.

First, the longer a television show is on air, the more established/"famous" the cast becomes. The more established/"famous" a cast becomes, the more expensive they become to keep employed. Every time a contract is re-negotiated, unless someone's role is being reduced, it's going to cost more than it did the last time their contract was negotiated. They're more well-known, they're an integral part of a show's success, they have more of a following and more of a leg to stand on when making their negotiations.

Second, the desire to make your show better, often involves making your show bigger... bigger sets, bigger locations, bigger stars, etc. This all costs money. Look at NCIS Hawaii... they brought LL Cool J in to the fold, for whatever reason (I'm assuming to attempt to draw NCIS LA fans to NCIS Hawaii), and this isn't something that would have been cheap. LL Cool J is already well established in the NCIS-Universe and can use that to negotiate his contract, but he's also a big name in general, which can also impact his negotiating. Whenever a show tried to do more, whether it's with guest stars, plots, sets, locations, etc., it costs more money.

Factor 3: Network Have To Sell Their Shows Yearly

Networks are a business. It's honestly as simple as that. They have products (television shows) that they are trying to sell to a consumer (advertisers) in an effort to make a profit.

Every year, television networks engage in what are called "upfronts" - upfronts are essentially this big event (or at least they used to be a big event pre-covid, I'm not sure if they still are), where networks essentially present there schedule for the upcoming season in an attempt to get advertisers to pay to advertise their products during these television shows. The ultimate goal is that the amount networks make from these advertisers is more than the cost it makes to produce the television show, thus creating a profit (yay economics/math).

So how to advertisers decide how much money to allocate to certain television shows/networks? Ratings. This is where it gets complicated though. When ratings are reported for television shows, there are typically two things reported (in initial reports) - demo and total viewers. These two metrics are what is important to advertisers, but ultimately, what's most important is that demo - advertisers pay more for television shows with higher demos because it means that more individuals within the age range they want to advertise to (18-49) are consuming their product (ads). This is also why, despite the fact that Live+7 ratings are reported, they don't hold significant weight because viewers are not watching advertisements when they watch playbacks, they're fast forwarding/skipping.

So let's look at NCIS Hawaii - yes, NCIS Hawaii is doing remarkably well with total viewers, nobody can deny that, the numbers are there. But what they aren't doing well with, and what advertisers are looking at, is demographic. From season 1 to season 2, NCIS went from an average demo of .51 to an average demo of .35 which is a pretty significant drop. From season 2 to season 3, the demo has stayed consistent at an average of about .35, if not a little bit lower. This is good, right? Yes. But also no. Why? Because since episode 4 of NCIS Hawaii's season 3, ratings have had a drop of 25% (i.e. going from an average of .4 to .3), which is going to be a big factor for advertisers (i.e. yes, the average demo is consistent, but trends are showing the the demo is going down). This is also the difference between going from a "sure renewal" at the beginning of the season, to now being cancelled. Things changed.

So what does this mean? Essentially what this is going to mean is that if CBS were to present NCIS Hawaii to advertisers at the upcoming upfronts, the cost of producing NCIS Hawaii would far exceed the amount of money they could get from advertisers, most likely to a degree that they couldn't make up for with the excess advertisement they are getting from other shows.

Other Factors (More Subjective than objective, but still factors nonetheless:

NCIS Hawaii, in season 3, is a vastly different show than it was in season 1. The first season of NCIS Hawaii did a phenomenal job of capturing exactly what made it special... it's diversity. They focused on the cultures and customs of Hawaii, of the uniqueness that was Jane Tennet being in the position she is in as a single mother, the rareness that is not only having a wlw couple front and center on your television show, but also having it treated no differently than a heterosexual couple... NCIS Hawaii didn't come out of the gates trying to be like NCIS or NCIS LA... it came out of the gates being different, and that worked. But then in season 2 and moreso in season 3, they really started to get away from that - it became less about family and diversity and Hawaii and more about the "flash" and "wow". They moved away from what made them special, and that's something that CBS could have taken into account when they were making decisions.

As mentioned above, the cost of producing a show like NCIS Hawaii is going to be much higher than producing a show that is based in the mainland. This is exasperated by the fact that right now, literally everything is far more expensive than it needs to be because of inflation, which is going to make an already expensive show even more expensive

Changes to CBS's lineup: CBS's lineup is different this upcoming season than it was past seasons - you have a new and widely successful show in Tracker that CBS is going to want to capitalize on and really push in their bid to gain advertisement money. SWAT is no longer getting cancelled, which shifts their budgeting significantly (the conversation very quickly shifted from budget cuts for NCIS Hawaii to cancellation for NCIS Hawaii with this change). The strike also changed things because they went out and purchased/invested in some television shows they may not have otherwise invested in (NCIS Sydney, Ghosts UK) due to the uncertainty of when their regular programing would be back and the need to try and bring in some sort of money. (Note: There have also been a lot of people blaming the NCIS Origins spinoff as being the reason NCIS Hawaii is being cancelled, but this is disingenuous. NCIS Origins was greenlit far before any conversations about cancellations for this season would have began, which means that the fate of any show from this season was not tied to the addition of NCIS Origins - all networks greenlight a certain number of new television shows regardless of what the outcome of their current television shows are).

To Long Didn't Read Version:

NCIS Hawaii has reached the point where the total cost of producing the show is significantly increasing while the total cost they are receiving from advertisers is decreasing and therefore, they can no longer justify keeping this show on their schedule, as it result in a significant loss for CBS as a network.

Edit: Article regarding CBS's decision to cancel NCIS Hawaii that supports all of the above

[oh-a-very-toxic-octopus]

Stress is a fucking tyrant. Cold sweating all the time. Can't really make myself eat. Don't think I've slept more than three hours a night for the past almost two weeks. Every night is a fun sequence of dozing a bit -> waking up -> checking my phone clock -> half an hour has passed since I last checked.

It's just been a shitty month, I tell myself, but it's a long-term pattern too. And first world middle class problems. Come the fuck on, me.

I'm in the midst of pulling together the money to buy half of the chapel from my partner as he can't afford the burden anymore, it sucks not being 50-50 on it, and changes to capital gains tax could annihilate our position on the housing ladder if we're not proactive.

I'm short exactly the amount I lump-paid into our mortgage when the rates went up this time last year, because of course I am.

Trying to purge-sell everything I can to make it up, but those are all little shots of £10–50 here and there to the point where they almost feel like a waste of time. Maybe they are, idk, I can add things to eBay while I'm doing other chores so it doesn't feel like a phenomenal timesink, but fundamentally I should be putting all my braincells into getting a second job.

Which I've been putting off forever — I went to a four-day work week last year because I wasn't coping anymore. Had the intention of starting a small business to mix things up, but that time has been consumed by house repairs, vehicle repairs, vehicle sales, family shit. And lbr, I don't want to go back to work, so I'm not trying hard enough. Gotta get my act together. Pick some kind of job and do it. Immediately. 💀

But yeah. The car goes in spring and my half will add another £2–3k to my chapel pot. Only we've been looking into replacements and they're all set to depreciate in a way we've never had to budget for before. The Ranger was a strange COVID fluke that will never happen again. Before we had that, we bought the Combo for £6k and expected it to lose £2k over our period of ownership. COVID actually lifted the sale price to £7.5k.

I look at those strokes of luck and realise they're how I've amassed enough to be within spitting distance of buying the chapel, not any personal budgeting successes or hard work, and so EVEN THE LUCKY THINGS become stressors.

Last night a bit of decorative wood trim fell off the chapel. We fixed and repainted some rotten window trim last year, but couldn't reach the roof and put it off. So that's a chore for this coming year. Fingers crossed the roof doesn't cave in in the meantime. We live just down the road from an obnoxious gossipy village who will absolutely talk about this and whatever method we use to fix it. Jim keeps reading their toxic little FB posts waiting for us to become the topic of conversation. It's his personal doomscrolling addiction.

He's been pretty depressed since his degree ended and has been pushing me a bit to Get Prettier. This is very out of character for him, and he walks a lot of it back when he's feeling better and was very very good at helping me through some shopping shit I couldn't have dealt with without him, but the comments still stick in my head. I know they don't sprout from nothing.

I'm conscious I have a massive chip in my shoulder about fashion and beauty so I'm not entirely against repairing some of that, but fuck, I hate it so much. Shopping is the activity that first made me understand what people meant when they used the word triggered. I read people's Reddit posts about bras that fit and what slip to buy for a knit dress and how to puzzle out your personal colour season and I want to blow my brains out. This is invented crap for shallow people but it matters, somehow it has to matter TO ME. Jim's like hey, I know as a tomboy you never learnt to do makeup but there are so many YT tutorials around now that you're barely at a disadvantage! And I'm like bro pls understand that makeup looks like shit to me. I watch the videos & I'm watching a good-looking woman make herself look shit. And I have to copy that?

No. Makeup is not happening, but I'm trying to tackle the skincare and the nailcare and some reworking of my personal style.

The timing on this is horrific, however. Imagine us having these huge discussions about money and wasting our lives and stress-related health complaints and pensions and our parents' growing health concerns and me needing a job and the chapel needing repairs and who shoulders the mental load. And then I'm all ooh oopsie that's my exfoliation alarm hehe lemme go do that and then slap snail mucus on my face. Fucking kill me.

A lot of this is because he asked me to dress up for his graduation, so I've gotta act sane and not make it all about me me me and my apparently CPTSD-grade insanity/fury because it's his big event and I'm hugely fuckin proud of him for getting a first and earning it so decisively.

Anyway my mum had a huge breakdown earlier this year that I had to help her through. Honestly thought she might off herself. I went up to stay for a week and cleaned her house and fed her and got her onto new meds. When she first retired in 2020 she planned to move but COVID fucked that up in so many ways. Now she's trapped in that house, which is too old and huge and high maintenance for her, and sits on a hill so steep she cannot climb back up if she goes out for a walk. It's a constant source of stress and something of a prison for her. Her financial manager retired and let her pension payments lapse, too, so suddenly she had to sort all that out, and she's not financially literate at all so she passed it to me.

Her financial advisor did not grow her money at all. He had it from 2011 and it lost £50k in that time. £300k if you factor in what it should have made if she'd stuck it in a standard tracker account. I'm trying to sort out her will and important shit like power of attorney and what she wants us to do in various situations and she's all well as I have so much money I'll get a nurse to visit! And I have to tell her that's not possible. She can safely take £9k a year and that will see her through to ninety, but there isn't anything else. She needs to downsize the house and use that money to secure herself.

Naturally this means she keeps turning on me as the harbinger of doom. I'm trying to get her pension reinvested in better funds and split a portion of it off so she's better diversified/less exposed to what is frankly a terrifying market, and she's mad because I Sound Like My Father when I suggest she reduces her drawdown by whatever she can afford. Just for now. Leave as much in there as possible for as long as possible to maximise compound interest, pick up the slack.

She has a sick cat. He's costing £90 a month in meds + he needs regular work that ranges from £300-£700 each time. She won't reduce her drawdown amount because she wants money to pay for him. Don't I understand she WON'T be the kind of person who KILLS a cat for MONEY REASONS?

I note I made a mistake once on a topic like this one. I owned one of our family cats, but he stayed with her when I moved out because he was old and happy there. When his kidneys failed, we discussed over the phone what we should do. We agreed we'd put him down. I waited until the end of the working week to travel up there. When I arrived, I discovered she'd independently decided to try to save him and had him at the emergency vet the entire time. As he was my cat, I paid the bill for all that + the inevitable euthanasia. It wiped out all my savings for that year.

To me, you look after your animal as best you can. But if you can't afford the treatment, you can't afford the fucking treatment. You don't torpedo your struggling finances for them. Not as an old person who refuses to lower any other outgoing, go back to work or sell a single thing on eBay to fund them.

She suggests we put his care on my credit card and she'll pay me back when she can.

I don't understand this view on money. Yes you can spread the cost of things over time. But that won't change what percentage of your yearly income can reasonably be spent on certain things (cats, holidays, shit on Amazon).

...which is again why I'm the bad guy.

I've backed off. I think at this point I've done my best to set her on her feet/help her grapple with the problem. I'd do more but she doesn't want that, so I'm stumped. I am ofc conscious that if she runs out of money and doesn't move before she's too old to move and ends up in a depression pit I will still be on the hook for that. But hey.

I'm really rambling now.

The reality is that I need to be driven and have some kind of vision to get out of my current situation and it's hard. I felt I chased what I wanted pretty decisively in my twenties, but in my thirties (I turned 35 at the start of the month) I'm realising it's all simultaneously pointless and incredibly important forever. You have Do Things to spin a narrative to yourself and others that you are a good and worthy human being with Stuff Going On. And somehow I have to Do Things for another 30-40 years, and if I slack I'll lose opportunities and lose the things I've already accumulated. Everything evaporates if you're not fucking on it all the time. Gotta challenge yourself always. But if you push your limits! You get overstressed and take psychic damage and can't be as effective moving forwards!

This has been Nyx's brunch breakdown, thank you, pls let this stop rattling around in my head and let me get some goddamn sleep now.

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

here's a question, what do you think happens to Debbie (and Franny) post s11? Personally I'm not a fan of the idea that Debbie would go off with Heidi after she fought tooth and nail to stay in her own house, plus Heidi is...not really what I'd picture for a good ending to Debbie's story. What would you see being a good post script for Debs?

ahhhh i love you for asking this

i mean, there's a part of me that wants to say that everything will go great for them, but i think that it'll be rough for a little while.

to answer the heidi thing (which i have talked about many times before but this ask is a little bit old lol sorry!), she will not last. she'll be gone in like, a week, and will never be heard from again. i think that the finale made that pretty clear, even though other people interpreted it in other ways. when heidi mentioned texas, debbie looked hesitant, and considering how she spent the past season fighting for this house, and the past eleven seasons fighting for her family, there isn't a single part of me that thinks she will be leaving for texas and if she does, her kid will be coming with her 100%.

but anyways, debbie will be going through it. she will have lost her father and her girlfriend in the same week or so and given her abandonment issues, i think she'll probably break. she'll have a whole breakdown over it, then be a bit depressed for a month or two, and then i think she'll slowly start to feel better. also, something that nobody talks about for some reason is the fact that post-11x12 all of the gallaghers (including mickey, tami, kevin, and veronica) all most likely get covid since they were all around frank and like touching him and shit, so that will probably happen.

i think that, as always, she'll pick herself up on her own and fix everything herself. her business will thrive, maybe she'll help out at the alibi if carl and tipping buy it (i hc that they do), but i think that money-wise she'll be set.

she and lip will definitely still have some conflict. every gallagher kid has a complex, difficult relationship with frank (i've actually been writing about this) but these two and frank have always stuck out to me (but they all stick out to me, honestly). i think that since the two of them were already fighting and are both notoriously awful at handling their emotions shit will go down.

debbie will keep the house since it's been in her name since the season nine finale (i mean duh, why would lip get to sell HER house??), lip, tami, and fred will move to milwaukee but then lip and tami will split up and it'll be messy, maybe he'll come back to chicago and they'll get split custody, carl will live there for another year or two, liam will live there until he graduates, and ian and mickey will move back to the south side. debbie will feel uneasy because of all of the change, so she'll insist on family dinners weekly, absolutely NO exceptions (you could be sick with some sort of flesh eating virus and she'd still demand that you attend).

she will never fully process losing frank. even dead, he still manages to fuck her over. i think that she'll set up a memorial for him a lot like the one she set up in 3x01.

if she reads the letter it'll fuck her up even more and i'm hoping that she gets therapy (i have a fic in my drafts about this lol) to help her deal with trauma, abandonment issues, grief, and help her navigate parenting while being only twenty.

i seriously just wish her the best because season eleven really made me realize how much she actually needs help.

live laugh debbie gallagher

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I made a post a year ago, I think, about how I enjoy that this site has a few blogs that are entirely dedicated to being obsessed with Tim Key, so everyone once in a while I’ll open Tumblr and be flooded with images of Tim Key, because the Tim Key blogs have decided to be active today, and I guess it’s Tim Key Monday.

Well, this time, for once, it’s been Tim Key Week in my comedy calendar, and it’s been a good time. Here are some things this week has covered:

- It started because Tim Key recently went on RHLSTP, and someone recommended it to me, so I listened to that latest episode. This was the first episode I’d ever heard of that podcast (aside from that YouTube video of the car crash with Stewart Lee) because I’m not a massive fan of Richard Herring, but I really enjoyed that one. So then I listened to the other three appearances that Tim Key has made on there, all within the last few years, because Tim Key has been very busy with writing books lately (just putting out his third book since the start of COVID) and keeps going on there to promote them. But then he ends up not promoting them, and just spending the whole time talking shit about Richard Herring.

God, he’s ridiculously quick. He just goes right into character and stays there the entire time, he can take anything Richard Herring says and spin it around in a split second and hit him back with it. Really sharp and can make absolutely anything funny. Literally anything. I re-watched that DVD extra interview he did with Simon Amstell last night, and that really highlighted how much he can make the most mundane thing in the world hilarious.

It's amazing style, I think. Be just a few steps outside of what is normal and reasonable to say, but say it with full confidence, and then ask other people what’s wrong with them when they don’t keep up. I’d previously seen him do it for five sets of No More Jockeys, and delighted in hearing he’s like that all the time.

- I enjoyed that, so got sent some more Tim Key things. His Radio 4 documentaries, of which I had heard one before, because it featured Kitson, and earlier this year I did my huge trek through every weird tiny thing where Daniel Kitson might have had even the most obscure role (I watched a terrible movie called Dog Eat Dog, the rabbit hole went deep, and the rabbit hole contained a Tim Key documentary about a Russian novelist). But I hadn’t heard some others, so I spent an evening listening to Tim Key talk about Russian poets and writers and how to start a novel, and that was lovely. I enjoyed that.

- But the main things I got were a couple of recordings of his old stand-up shows, and this album he recorded in 2010, called On a Boat With a String Quartet, where he reads poetry and talks shit to Tom Basden. I really, really enjoyed listening to Tim Key read poetry and talk shit to Tom Basden. I realized I have heard that before, as they were together on season 2 of Mark Watson Makes the World Substantially Better, and on Mark Watson’s Live Address to the Nation, and they did basically the same thing there. This album made me remember how much I enjoyed those radio shows, partly because of how much I enjoy listening to Tim Key read poetry and talk shit to Tom Basden. “Wow,” I thought. “I wish there were only some way of hearing more of Tim Key reading poetry while talking shit to Tom Basden.” Then I remembered he has a five-season radio show that I’ve somehow never heard before.

- So next on the list was the Late Night Poetry Programme, which I’d been vaguely meaning to listen to “at some point” for ages, and this was clearly that time. God, it was good. I’d heard Tim’s poems before in various contexts, but really enjoyed hearing so many of them at once. And the soundscape was nice. And of course it was fun when he talked shit to Tom Basden.

I think the first few seasons were pretty well perfect, just those two in a studio with little hints of their life outside it, dropped through a line or a word or two, throwaway jokes where the meaning hits you a little at a time as you realize what it implies about the life they live. It was cool at first, when they started opening it up and we actually saw that bigger world that they’d been teasing for a while. By season 5, I have to admit, I felt like it had gone too far. Which they acknowledged several times, Tom Basden making comments that they’d gotten too far away from season 1 and Tim Key doesn’t even read his poems anymore. But I did kind of think the character was right. The sitcom was still fun, I enjoyed every episode. But I think my favourties were when it was just two people in a studio reading poetry.

Katy Wix was good, though. And I did enjoy the guest stars throughout all five seasons. That turned into a game that I was able to play due to my abysmal lack of talent for identifying people based on the sound of their voice alone. Because I’m so bad at it, I avoided looking at the notes beforehand, and tried to guess who that episode’s guest voice actor was, and would then hear in the credits whether I was right. I was quite bad at it. I went through an entire episode with Sally Phillips, and two entire episodes with Mike Wozniak, convinced that they were played by people I’d never heard before, even though I know both those voices quite well.

I only guessed a few. By the end of Isy Suttie’s episode, I was about 80% sure it was Suttie, and then I turned out to be right. I got Bridget Christie’s voice right away, though that’s partly because I knew from a No More Jockey’s episode that she’d show up at some point, and she hadn’t been on it yet and this was the last episode, so it had to be her. The only voice where I was immediately, 100% sure who it was was when they had Liam Williams on. Absolutely no question there. That is an extremely distinctive voice, it was almost distracting because every time he spoke I just thought “Oh it’s Liam Williams” rather than believing it was a farmer or whatever.

- After that, I wanted even more Key & Basden, and I remembered how Stuart Goldsmith says that his best evidence for why TV isn’t a meritocracy is that Cowards never got more than three TV episodes. So I downloaded those TV episodes. But of course I have to do things in order, so first I downloaded the radio episodes. Did the radio show and then the TV show.

I really liked those, and I’m often not big on sketch comedy. These were fucking great, though. The TV show had quite a few sketches that I could see myself re-watching on YouTube one at a time. And that’s nice, because for years I’ve done that regularly with Mitchell and Webb, but these days I watch those and have trouble enjoying them as much because, you know, transphobia. I guess I should stop being shocked when it turns out that Footlights men from the early 00s may not be the most clued-up people in the world about trans issues (Webb, Ayoade). But if Tim Key or Tom Basden or those other two guys (sorry, I do vaguely know they both have quite good careers in their own right, but in my mind they are those other two guys) in Cowards have any views on trans people whatsoever, I’d like them to keep that to themselves so I can have some new sketches to re-watch on YouTube without feeling guilty. No more Footlights guys from the early 00s should be allowed to talk about trans people (except John Oliver, actually Mark Watson’s made some pro-trans rights statements too, they can stay).

Anyway, the point is that I really enjoyed the sketches. They all seemed so cohesive – the characters, and the plots, and the actors. A lot of sketches didn’t end on huge punchlines, which I always think is the sign of a good sketch, if it’s funny enough to get laughs throughout and not just for a twist at the end. Really good stuff. I see Stuart Goldsmith’s point.

- Then I still hadn’t had enough Key & Basden on Radio 4, so I downloaded the sitcom Party. That was pretty good. The jokes were consistent and funny, which is the main point. I have to admit the premise didn’t work quite as well today as it might have then, which is not Tom Basden’s fault, as you can’t have expected him to foresee the fall of Western civilization back in 2010. In 2010, I remember that the idea of naïve youths involved in politics was funny. Straw feminists and all that. Whereas these days, the situation is so dire that if I see a young person who’s politically engaged, I don’t want to make fun of them for being underinformed anymore. I just want to say “Thank you for doing anything besides making Tik-Tok videos and listening to Joe Rogan while Rome burns.”

Having said that, the point of this show was not exactly to be hard-hitting satire of student politics, it was to be a vehicle for jokes. And it did that very well. It was funny. The characters were good, too. Five different main characters it a lot for a sitcom that started with only four half-hour episodes, but by the end of the very first episode, I had a clear idea of who was who. I could tell their voices apart, which helps (Tim Key’s voice I know, Tom Basden’s voice sounds a bit too similar to Johnny Sweet’s but I could tell them apart if I tried hard enough, I can tell Katy Wix’s Welsh accent apart from Anna Crilly). And each character was sufficiently distinctive for me to see why they were there.

- Just today, I watched The One and Only Herb McGwyer Plays Wallis Island, written by and starring Key & Basden. I enjoyed it. Short films, or films in general, aren’t hugely my thing. But I liked the pretty shots of English countryside. I liked the dismal shots of the ocean in bad weather and little rowboats and the old house. And it was a nice story starring a folk singer and an eccentric person, and what more could I want out of some characters?

I know Tim Key has done a bunch of short films before, some with Tom Basden. The only other one I’ve seen is Very Few Fish, which I watched entirely because of that bit at the end of a No More Jockeys episode, where Tim lists all the Taskmaster contestants he has or hasn’t touched, and says he’s kissed Aisling Bea, on screen. I found out that he’d kissed her in this weird short film written by Tom Basden, so I watched that out of curiosity.

And found… it was quite a good film, probably deserved to get more commissioned. But I didn’t like the bit where he made out with Aisling Bea. I’d just watched all this No More Jockeys, where he’s in his house and playing himself so I felt like I knew him. And I don’t want to see people I know graphically make out with other people. It’s like when your friend is doing PDA at a party. It’s even weirder than when a stranger does it, because you just think, I don’t want to see you that way. I know you, I like you, that side of you is meant to be kept behind closed doors please. That’s what Very Few Fish felt like. Like following a friend on a date and watching him make out with someone. It was weird.

That’s an interesting level of parasocial relationship, isn’t it? Watching No More Jockeys has parasoically made me feel like that guy is my friend, but the effect is not for me to try to hang out with him on social media or anything creepy like that, the only effect is I don’t want to watch him kiss anyone. That’s probably okay, as far as these things go.

- Last night, I tried the first episode of We Need Answers. I’d have absolutely loved to see the stage version of this, I have collected pictures and short videos of it from various corners of the internet (including those fucking unhinged promo videos on Alex Horne’s YouTube channel that introduce the contestants), they had all the best comedians and it seems like a great showcase of my peak area of interest, which is 00s Edinburgh comedy.

However, I’ve always avoided the TV show because the list of guests is awful. Almost no comedians, heavy on presenters and reality show people. It didn’t help that the first episode featured noted transphobe Germaine Greer (also, as I always feel the need to add when her name comes up, she wasn’t some perfect feminist who was ruined by going TERF, I always disliked some of the comments she’d made about cis women who didn’t fit the type of womanhood that she liked, and I hate the she’s held us as an example of great feminism). So I’m open to giving it another shot. Does anyone have opinions on whether it gets better in the future? The first episode was all right, but I didn’t enjoy it all that much.

So that is my Tim Key binge. Does anyone have recommendations for things I’ve missed? Especially short films, I know there are other good ones. Happy Tim Key Thursday, everyone!

[cbrownjc]

So yeah, this is just a post to apologize for the quietness over the last month. But I was pretty much sick all last month and it stretched into the start of this month. It wasn't COVID or anything like that, thank goodness. But it was rather debilitating all the same, which I was afraid might have to do with a surgery I had two years ago for a herniated disk. I could barely sit down because every time I did my leg and foot would be in pain.

I've been to Urgent Care twice now in two weeks. Once virtually and then again this weekend in person. And it's not related to the herniated disk I had thank goodness. Just muscle sprains.

Anyway, I'm on medication and instructions on what to do if things get worse.

I've also been cleaning and fully decorating my apartment. I've lived here for over a year and still had storage tubs and such out, as well as my grandmother's china just piled into the kitchen pantry. Because I couldn't lift or put together the furniture I ordered for the things I needed to finally put away, I had to hire someone to do it for me. But now everything is almost done -- I'm just waiting for a shipment of hand-woven baskets that I plan to put my gaming strategy guides in, as well as a new mattress pad, and I'll be 97.99% done with decorating. The only thing left would be to order some curtains and curtain rods for the windows, but I can wait on that as I do have blinds already up that came with the apartment.

My sister is coming to visit for Thanksgiving in two weeks. So I know I won't be around much that week as well. But after that, I plan to try and be more regular around here, as there is still much writing I have planned for the series I'm writing with @faerywhimsy, as well as hopefully getting news about Season 2 of IWTV. 😁

[penname-artist]

I went through my own personal memory lane today.

As far as I know, you can't get to them anymore, now that my old DeviantArt is deactivated and destroyed, but I dug through the physical drawings I'd posted to that site from 2015 through to 2022 or so.

About half of them are ponies (I was a brony freak, man, don't ask), and the rest where all kinds of things. Original projects, characters, doodles, animals, zentangles, fan works of other materials.

A few things I forgot I'd kept. One I didn't have the heart to look at. The roads of memories have two sides: the nostalgic, and the haunting.

And yet despite that, I'm again faced with this really weird sort of look-back. For probably the first time in my life, I feel entirely disconnected from this era. It seems so far away now. Even though it hasn't been that many years, it's still been so many seasons. So many parts. So many chapters of my life that have gone past this time capsule of colored history.

The things that happened then, they changed me. CoVid was, of course, one facet of the insanity. 2020 was not kind to any of us. But for me, that time struck me for a very different reason. A much more personal reason, that I'm continuing to uncover parts of in therapy today.

None of us are perfect people. None of us have clean slates. We've all done things poorly, embarrassingly, wrongly, and with guilt or shame that it was not just. That doesn't justify the bad, but it does help us forgive ourselves, when we know we're not the only people that screwed up.

I left my previous account, and my old name, for a personal reason. A reason relating to identity, to everything I was and everything I wanted to become, that had been shattered by the reality of what I was doing. What I was causing, who I was hurting.

From each small step I'd taken since that moment in time that the door had been shut, I began to disconnect from it. I cut my hair. I changed my name. I dived further into another fandom. I got a tattoo. I broke off a toxic relationship. And then several more, down the line. I worked on myself. I explored the mental health world, found a therapist and a medication setup that works for now. Made peace with the mistakes I'd made. Moved forward, however slowly.

Now, in just a few months I'll be passing the four year benchmark of when it happened. And I feel as though I don't know the girl I remember, sitting at her desk staring blankly at a note she didn't expect. The beginning of a long, long line of mistakes and problems and struggles and pain. I still remember her, but I don't know her. I was her. But I'm not, now.

But I know that I used to be. And it used to all be different. And though it'll never go back to that time, it'll never come back to those days, they're still here, preserved in a piece of paper with every pencil stroke.

It's a funny feeling, nostalgia.

[marnz]

2023 review

an extremely long post re: thoughts on this year

2023 was an extremely weird and fun year of a lot of personal growth! Late last year I had to take leave from work due to some health issues originating from burn out, and going into this year I was extremely nervous about returning to work. I was also determined to do more events and activities this year, which was my ~covid resolution~. And this year turned out to be way different from anything I could have imagined! Not only was returning to work successful, I could quickly tell that the time I took off was instrumental to my health going forward. The skills and perspective shift I practiced and worked on quickly proved themselves to be really important and I felt much better in just about every situation with them on board. I don't want to pretend that this year wasn't difficult--it was, it was stressful and full of a lot of hard work and uncertainty because I did a lot of stuff I had never done before, and tried a lot of new things, and also tried to make some decisions regarding my future. But all of that growth led to some really good things, which I wanted to document.

Good things:

got my driver's license

started doing yoga, which has been great for stress relief. now at the point where I have started to do it independently instead of relying on a class

got back into knitting and knit my first sweater!

saw several shows this year! and I went to a lot of them with friends

befriended some people at work! I always find it challenging to make the leap from work-friend to friend, but turns out going to concerts with people makes that happen. This is also nice bc a lot of my local friends have moved away due to cost of living

made a lot of training progress with Piper. Walking her is so much easier & enjoyable now, and I think our relationship has gotten even better. This has been a multi year project.

read 63 books this year, 13 more than last year. Audiobooks have been a life saver, and reading didn't feel like a chore the way it did at the end of last year.

returned to work successfully, started working on cool projects at work, and have gotten some recognition for it!

went to europe! on a sort of delayed honeymoon

wrote a couple more short stories and worked on original long term fiction a bunch

spent more time kayaking! and more time outside in general, hiking, walking piper, running, etc

got elected VP of the union and became a shop steward, which has been both very rewarding and very challenging

set clear financial goals that I am making progress towards

started being able to eat eggs again! not sure how this happened but it's been a life saver. thank you, immune system.

survived getting covid 😩

started adderall and oh my god....a game changer.

got better at setting boundaries

next year, I would like to work on:

becoming a morning person! I used to be a morning person and then when I got really depressed I lost that power. I know it's possible for me if I take the right steps. I've already started working on it because i'm a masochist

running. I hear it's so good for stress relief and it is so common in my field, plus it is a more attainable form of outside time than hiking (requires driving long distances, waiting for weekend, etc) or kayaking (seasonal, requires buying kayaks, waiting for weekend). my psych also told me that apparently exercise helps stabilize mood and adhd! two things i could def benefit from. i started running today and uhh we'll see how it goes lol. also, i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't use substances of any kind, give me that fucking runner's high

driving more. driver's license or no, driving still scares me! i want to get to the point where I feel comfortable driving long distances alone, such as being able to take someone to the airport if the train isn't running

continuing big projects at work. honestly I am still considering law school and these projects will give me the chance to think deeply about whether complex litigation is for me.

writing. to be honest, while I still think about my writing projects almost daily, writing just isn't a priority right now. And that's fine. I want to give myself some space and time. i would not have been able to say this a year ago...

using my phone less! something I've noticed is that my phone sometimes makes me feel pretty agitated or i feel overwhelmed by notifications? and that I am happier and able to focus better if my phone is in the other room. for example, when i take a bath I typically put my phone in another room and then i am able to read for hours. I would like to work on this.

continuing creative hobbies. such as knitting, doing more wood working, learning how to sew, etc. brain feel good...

moving & creating a home. we are moving early in the new year, which I am stressed about, but I'm also really excited because it will be a great new space and the location is really, really good. i want to work on making sure this place is as cozy and happy as possible, and also set it up so we can host guests so loved ones can come visit more easily

continuing to build a wardrobe i am happy with! I think I have written before that a lot of my work clothes make me feel like I'm wearing drag, and I'd like to fix that and also continue to knit myself customized pieces I love. like, a sweater vest to wear with a white button down, etc. gender wise i am just vibing but I like menswear more and I would like to continue exploring that

this year I have spent more time talking with my dad and my partner about the future, and while I am still considering law school everyone, including me, is worried about my health w/r/t that, let alone financial shit. my thoughts on this are...I need to have a solid stress management infrastructure in place to be a happy person, regardless of what I do in the future. Knitting & yoga & taking Piper on very long walks daily, plus having stuff to look forward to (shows), has really helped me this year, so I would like to continue exploring that.

as far as work...well I would like it to dictate my life less. right now I'm working from home (office is being remodeled) and I feel like the most boring person alive because I am just. home all the time. I do find work novel because last year I was doing high stress complex litigation and absolutely falling apart over it and this year I'm so chill while doing the same sort of thing. mainly because I have spent so many hours building stress management processes, working on perfectionism, getting perspective, and i've recovered from burn out. game fucking changer! my workload is way too high really high right now, which I don't love, and I keep being put in extremely challenging situations! but that's okay.

anyway. I don't want to misrepresent my life and claim it was exclusively wins this year...there were some really difficult months. December in particular has been so hard. but I'm really happy that I tried so much new stuff this year and I'm excited for 2024.

sending love to y'all! <3

[destinygoldenstar]

☀️THE SLAY PASS GETS USED☀️ - Total Drama Viewer Reacts to Disventure Camp Season 1 Episode 13 “A Heart's Desire” PART 1

(EDIT: Because the episode is so long and there's a lot to talk about, I'm splitting this up in two parts. Ran out of images.)

Part 2 >>

WELP. HERE WE ARE.

THE FINALE OF DISVENTURE CAMP

...Season 1.

I'm actually excited for this. I have been REALLY enjoying reacting to this show and making posts about it.

I mean, yeah, it has problems, that I did complain about, BUT I enjoy watching it and I'm liking it and I think that's what matters more than anything else.

And besides, I never acted like Total Drama was perfect either. I've complained about that too.

It's really interesting how I, as a Total Drama fan, got to this point, you know? I picked up the show when it was on YouTube (the channel is terminated now) during Covid Quarantine to kill the time and get away from my own problems. I was WEIRDED out by the show to say the least when I watched the first season, because I wasn't used to anything like it at the time... but then a couple weeks later I found myself not able to stop thinking about it for the next 3-4 years.

The show was very fun and chaotic and I really enjoy its premise despite its flaws. The show was also responsible for opening my eyes to more psychological research, believe it or not. Because in my fanon mindset that might or might not be canon (depends) the show was about how damaging these reality shows could be to people. So I like to dive into the more interesting characters psyches and how the show changed them for better or worse.

So now that I am grown up, in my 20s, and working to be a producer for indie animation someday, it feels SO RIGHT for me to come across an indie show similar to Total Drama and be invested in it as much as I became. I was NOT recommended this show. I was told to keep my distance because it was bad. But while I do confess there's problems, I DO think the writing in particular is the weakest element of this show, I enjoy it, I've really liked it, and I think that's what matters to me.

I'm definitely going to react to Season 2 & 3 in the future. But before then there's a tier list for every character I want to do, because I have A LOT to say regarding that.

It really does feel like a new era of my Tumblr Blog for me. I started this blog years ago as an advertisement for my writing. But then I took my hobby of making essays about media and started posting here, and because of my Total Drama addiction, I had a lot of people mistaking me for a 'Total Drama Blog'.

I am NOT a Total Drama blog. There's other stuff, and other media, that I talk about. AnalyzGolden is not limited to what she analyzes XD

So it does feel like a new era reacting to Disventure Camp and wanting to talk about it. Even though I'm not caught up.

So thank you for the support of these posts so far. First and foremost. You guys really have motivated me to do these knowing you enjoy them, and my... interesting personality being on display.

Because my posts are usually so analytic, it's a bit harder to showcase the user's personality with them, and in reaction posts, that's much easier to see. I'm not always this stern objective analytical person who acts all calm the entire time XD. I'm actually very emotional and expressive in personality, so some of my followers are probably gonna see these posts and think "What?! Golden is like THIS?! What is THIS side of her?!"

Anyway, enough stalling. Let's finish this season.

*Gets a grammarly ad*

What a way to start the finale. YouTube is mocking my reaction posts.

"But it's not the professional grammarly way, so your contributions here are quite shit."

"Before we go to the final challenge, we asked the last three campers to tell us about their experience at camp!"

Fiore "I killed people in VR. That was the best experience of my life."

Ellie "I psychologically destroyed a man, and I don't regret it one bit."

Miriam "...yeah, it was nice."

"And I'm in the finale against a six year old girl and a seventy year old woman!"

Heyo, don't underestimate those two. Fiore's a psychopath and Miriam was an athlete back in her day.

"Would I have preferred Alec to be here instead of Ellie or Miriam? Eh."

Do you care about him or not?

I think she DOES care, but she's also so caught up in her own ego that she acts like she doesn't. That's how last elimination happened.

🎵"He had it coming, he had it coming, he only had himself to blame, if you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would've one the same"🎵

It's an all women finale, what can I say?

Miriam "I support women's rights."

Ellie & Fiore "Well I support women's wrongs."

"I have a few tricks up my sleeve."

"I have the slay pass from Golden! And I'm gonna use it!"

Imagine if she does use it. It'll be my fault.

"What will I be remembered for? Not for anything good... probably for betraying people and ruining things with Tom and Jake..."

"You can eat shit and die."

"You have no right to shame me."

YEP. YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

I STILL DO NOT FORGIVE YOU.

I mean, I get it. You have a hard life. You're just trying to survive. I understand that...

But you could've just stolen that godforsaken idol from Tom and you wouldn't have had to destroy anyone.

"We also visited the losers hotel so they could give their thoughts on their sweet and maybe not so sweet experiences."

Ooh, here we go.

OH YEAH I FORGOT THE ELIMINATED PEOPLE COME BACK IN THE FINALS...

"My stay at Disventure Camp was a lot shorter than I would have liked..."

...is it bad that I forgot you existed?

🎵"I forgot that you existed"🎵

"I've learned not to be swayed by appearances."

YEAH. I'M GLAD YOU LEARNED THAT.

"After I got voted out, I was able to continue things with Will and... now we're dating!"

WAIT WHAT?!

UM... WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?! HUH?!?!?!

And I thought Ripper & Axel were such a crack ship.

This came right out of nowhere! OMG...

I mean whatever. You two aren't bad people, so you can be cute, whatever. I don't really care. Hope you're happy.

"What can I say? I was a bloody fool..."

And?

*cuts away*

That's it? Okay.

Aw, Jake! ❤️

"I haven't talked to Tom since we got kicked out... We've bumped into each other a few times at the hotel, but he doesn't want to talk to me."

Yeah... 😔

I can't say I'm surprised though. Tom DID say he didn't want to talk to Jake ever again, so...

HE GOT THE MOST PTSD FROM THIS GAME. POOR THING.

"I know I deserve it."

😭💗

HONEY. NO...

"What did I learn? Well if you have a job to do just do it, without falling in love with some silly boy who ends up ruining your future!"

DAMN...

DAMN THAT'S COLD.

Yeah, those two are not talking after this show. They're done.

There is no hope for this ship anymore.

I'm eating Toxic Yaoi for dinner tonight.

"I have nothing to say. Get that camera out of my face!"

MOOD.

YOU MAD YOU LOST TO A CHILD?

"Some of them attempted to refuse, but we reminded them it's mandatory."

I expected that honestly XD

Grett would not be here otherwise.

JAKE IS THE ONLY ONE DEPRESSED, AWWWW...

I'm telling y'all, this experience is gonna make him an asshole in season 3 season and make so many enemies out of it.

I mean that would explain why my feed has had a bunch of people despising Jake so much. I'M CHOOSING TO SUPPORT HIM IF HE WANTS TO HATE EVERYONE.

(As a character direction, not 'excusing every bad action ever')

*gets coffee creamer ad*

I guess that's one way to act in a depression episode.

"Ima go down a coffee and overstuff it with cream so I have the energy to CRY MY EYES OUT 24/7. WHAAAAAAAAAA, NO ONE LOVES MEEEEEEEE..."

"Jake maybe don't drink that much, you're shaking."

"I WAS GETTING KINDA USED TO BEING SOMEONE YOU LOOOOOVVVEEEDDD..."

(Why do I enjoy doing my whiny Jake impression?)

"Can someone knock him out? I'm getting concerned."

Miriam supporters. Not surprised Jake & Tom are there.

Course Gabby supports her girlfriend.

How does she feel about what Ellie did... cause uh... that's gonna be something Ellie's gonna have to explain...

Also why is Alec supporting Ellie? She ditched him in a cave and caused his elimination.

You'd think he'd have more cold blood than that.

XD

GRETT is the ONLY Fiore supporter?

That's so funny to me.

Though that IS one that makes sense.

"Yeah, you shot me in the face to get immunity, which was MESSED UP. But you also helped me figure out some things, and I have to acknowledge you for that."

Respect. Respect.

"I'll have you know, I was forced to choose, these three can go-"

OKAY NEVERMIND XD

GRETT I LOVE YOU

"What?! You assholes! Not even you Alec?"

"Um, you DUMPED ME. ARE YOU SURPRISED?!"

Girl, you confessed to hating EVERYONE multiple times!

This is like Velma expecting everyone to like her when she confesses to not caring for anyone and being a dick to everyone. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!

Fiore's a much better character though.

"A bowl of spoiled potato salad is more likeable than you, girl."

"Thanks for the support, everyone! I didn't think I would get that much."

Miriam, you deserve it.

OH MY GOD WOW.

OH WOW THAT'S COOL

AWWW... that's so sweet. They actually animated all these Patreons.

"By the way if you want to support us making more of these episodes, you can join our Patreon."

Okay that's just a fourth wall break.

The other characters are like "Um... who are you talking to? What's a Patreon?"

"Each finalist will be able to choose one person to help them in the challenge. Who's it gonna be?"

Miriam's probably choosing Jake.

Ellie's obviously picking Gabby.

Fiore's gonna have to pick Grett my default cause there's no other option.

All three of my favs became helpers XD

"Gabby!"

Yep.

"I choose Tom."

OH. REALLY.

Actually, that makes sense cause Tom is more physically capable.

Yeah, I understand that.

"Good decision, Miriam."

Awww

XD

THE FACE.

"YOU DARE COMPLIMENT ME?!?! OH THAT DOES IT!!! YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN SIR!!!!"

Tom hates Jake so much now. It's so sad.

"I guess I choose Grett. She's my only option."

So I got two right.

"And what if I refuse to help you?"

OH DAMN, NEVERMIND

"Fine, I'll give you a part of the prize."

"That's how I like it."

A penny. She's gonna give you a penny.

"She's not getting a penny."

XD

"GOLDEN, I CAN HEAR YOU, AND I CONSTANTLY DISOBEY YOU. You proud of yourself for making Grett broke now?"

"Fiore! We have to work together to slow Ellie down."

Oh, are they sabotaging Ellie?

"I know. She's the most athletic out of us."

I didn't think they'd STILL be working together.

"Keep your enemies closer" I guess.

Plus I did give Miriam a slay pass on Ellie, so...

"A lot has happened since you left..."

"Ever since you left, I worked WITH the people who stabbed you in the back to destroy my friend's relationship! And I gave him death threats!"

"Oh... is that the Ellie I know...?"

"It has been rough. No lie. But let's focus on the positive."

Okay so I guess Gabby isn't gonna have any feelings about it.

"I'm going for the key! Wait for me!"

*Gets a body wash ad*

Ellie the lake is not a bath.

"I don't know how to swim."

"Me neither."

Well you're both screwed then.

Goodbye Fiore.

"Tom, can you go get the keys for both of them?"

Why? Why help her?

Imagine Tom saying he can't swim either XD

"I missed the swimming part of spy school. So uh... yeah I think we're all screwed."

OH THERE YOU GO GRETT

That's one way to slow her down!

"If you do that to Ellie again, I'm going to use that key to gouge your eyes out and shove it down your throat!"

*CHOKES ON BREATH*

OH MY GOD

SHOTS ARE FIRED

"Well Tom, how are things with Jake?"

"What do you think? I hate him now! He fell for someone gaslighting him! That's completely his fault!"

"We haven't talked. I'm still a bit upset about what happened."

A BIT?

"You have every right to be. But I think you'll feel better if you both just listen to each other. Don't let it end on a bitter note."

Awww.

I don't know if Tom will do that, though?

Are they gonna make up?

Please?

"What would I gain from that?"

"Better to have no regrets Not talking to him and never seeing him again after this could leave you feeling terrible about this entire experience."

I mean, I do agree with Miriam, but...

Are they gonna be on good terms at the end? I don't know.

"I know you two are both good people. Trust me as woman who's had many regrets in her long life, if you have an opportunity to change things, you should take it."

👏

"We're in a million dollar challenge! Run more, talk less!"

XD

She's right though XD

Oh you're a bitch.

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE EXPECT?! WHY DID YOU HELP HER?!

*talking about her plan*

Um, MIRIAM AND TOM ARE IN HEARING RANGE, RIGHT?!

AND THEY CAN SEE YOU WITH THEIR MAP

"The one Grett's holding is Miriams."

"Do you think they'll penalize you for that?"

TOM.

TOM. OMG.

YOU PUT THE MAP IN YOUR POCKET, RIGHT?!?!

WHY ARE YOU NOT QUESTIONING WHY GRETT HAS YOUR MAP?!?!?

WHAT THE HELL?!?!?

"How many times is everyone going to fall for Fiore and Grett's tricks?!"

THANK YOU. THANK YOU DAN.

TO THINK I DISSED YOU.

"Apparently we haven't learned our darn lesson yet..."

MULTIPLE TIMES, AND IT'S SO STUPID.

"How many times we gotta teach you this lesson, old lady?"

"Wait, why are Gabby and Ellie running in the opposite direction?"

OH MY GOD.

Tom, you are a dumbass. NOW you realize?!

Oh yay, the demon child wins...

This is where Miriam goes.

YEAH THIS IS WHERE MIRIAM GOES

THEY'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT

AW, I'M SORRY MIRIAM. I WAS ROUTING FOR YOU.

"Tom... I... I can't go any..."

NO DON'T GIVE UP

"Wait... I need help!"

Wait what's happening?

"Oh... my heart..."

OH NO. WHAT?!??!

WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT?!?!

NO

OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

YOU'RE GONNA KILL HER?!??!?!

NO THAT'S SICK. OH MY GOD. NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOO

DON'T KILL HER OFF, I LOVE HER. NOOOOO

NOOOOOOOO MIRIAM, NOOOOOOOO

CPR. DO CPR TOM. PLEASE.

"What's wrong with her? Is she okay?"

LADY, YOU THINK?!?!?! SHE'S DYING.

"I can smell that million bucks calling to me."

OH

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD WHAT

😲

I... I...

*AnalyzGolden.exe has stopped working*

...

... ... ...

So... let me get this straight...

She FAKED A HEART ATTACK TO WIN?!

... ... ...

😂👏

OMG THAT GOT ME

OMG MIRIAM YOU ARE INSANE

AND ELLIE'S OUT

😂👏

You KNOW this was done as revenge for Tom and Jake

KARMA IS A BITCH, ELLIE!!!!!!

Miriam used the slay pass! SHE ACTUALLY USED IT. I HAVE HER SLAY PASS AND SHE USED IT.

😂👏

THAT WAS SO GOOD

"What the hell was that?! After everything that has happened in this game, I lose a chance of fixing my life because of THAT?!"

I want to feel bad for Ellie, but I just DON'T.

OH MY GOD...

*struggling to calm down*

Continued In Part 2>>

[dustedmagazine]

Jennifer Kelly’s 2023 in Review: Still Human FWIW

I finally saw Sun Ra Arkestra

I first heard about Chat GPT in January this year, and it sounded bad from the start. I make most of my living writing things for big faceless corporations who view me as a cost. Cut that cost to zero and I’m out of a job. But for the first five months of 2024, I continued to be busy and I thought, well maybe it’s nothing. Then in May, like a light switch, everything stopped. I had one regular client who continued to pay a monthly retainer. Nothing else. And the usual mailings, pleadings with old clients, etc. had no effect. I’m close to retirement age. This summer, I thought I had arrived early.

Things have picked up since then, and right now, I’m in a good place. People are starting to notice Chat GPT’s ignorance of anything post 2021, its refusal to factcheck or footnote and its relentless blandness. Clients are coming back, but the floor doesn’t feel very solid under my feet. It could all go away at any time. (This is the lesson we all learned from COVID-19…that you could fall into the pit any time.)

The one thing that didn’t stop was Dusted, and for that I am very grateful. As I’ll explain to anyone who asks, there’s never been any money in Dusted, so there can’t be any less. We are more or less immune to economic pressures. And as long as we’re here, there is lots and lots of good music to write about.

My year started with two records that blew me away in January (and maybe December 2022) and held #1 and #2 slots all year. They were Meg Baird’s Furling and Robert Forster’s the Candle and the Flame. Next, came an email from Rob from Sunburned with a link to Stella Kola’s extraordinary debut, and then gosh, Sub Pop still sends me promos and here’s one from Mudhoney! Every time 2024 succeeded in getting me down, I’d get music from someone.

Live music was another solace. Shows that made me happy this year included Warp Trio, Sunburned Hand of the Man, Dear Nora, Vieux Farka Toure, Bridget St. John with Stella Kola, Sun Ra Arkestra, Kid Millions with Sarah Bernstein, Faun Fables, Sweeping Promises, Daniel Higgs, Constant Smiles, Baba Commandant (RIP), Xylouris White, Joseph Allred with Ruth Garbus and Ryan Davis with his Roadhouse band. Special mention goes to the always astonishing Thing in the Spring with Editrix, Rough Francis, Thus Love, Gorilla Toss, Equipment Pointed Ankh. Susan Alcorn, Marisa Anderson and Jim White and Bill Callahan.

The best show of the year, however, came late in the summer with William Tyler and the Impossible Truth band, an unbelievably talented, seasoned crew with Luke Schneider on pedal steel, Third Man mainstay Jack Lawrence on bass and Brian Kotzgur on drums. The way they opened up and fired up Tyler’s songs was a revelation, even to someone, like me, who’s been a fan since Behold the Spirit. Garcia Peoples opened, and they were great, too.

I should mention that we have recently been blessed with a bunch of excellent music venues nearby—Nova Arts in Keene and Epsilon Spires and the Stone Church in Brattleboro. Going to music used to always mean driving back from at least Northampton, sometimes further, late at night, and, as I get older and my night vision fades, it has been really nice not to have to do that. (Also, to all my Dusted-reader-musician-friends, if you play one of these venues, thank you, and let me know when you’re coming.)

With that, it’s time to talk about 2023 favorites. I’ll write about the first ten and then just list the rest.

Meg Baird — Furling (Drag City)

Meg Baird’s gorgeous solo album alternates between ghostly, inward-looking piano songs and bright swirls of 1960s psychedelia. Her extraordinary voice, high, pure, and unearthly, joins lush, burnished guitar grooves. Sometimes I think I like the swaggering bounce of “Will You Follow Me Home,” the best, but other times, the disembodied otherness of “Ashes, Ashes” is the prettiest thing I know.

Robert Forster — The Candle and the Flame (Tapete) 

Forster’s solo records are always good, wry and funny and stuttering with strummy punk energy, but this one, recorded with family while his wife battled cancer, is his best yet. “She’s a Fighter,” a group sing-along is prickly and defiant, the only song specifically written about Karin’s illness, but threads of enduring, life-long love run all through this album. “Tender Years” is especially moving, as Forster sings, “I’m in a story with her, I know I can’t live without her, I can’t imagine why,” in a voice cracked with sincerity and feeling. Very few albums make me cry, but this one does.

Anohni and the Johnsons—My Back Was a Bridge for You to Cross (Secretly Canadian)

The sound on Anohni’s fifth album with the Johnsons smolders in the pocket, its textures a nod to Marvin Gaye’s classic What’s Going On? It’s velvety smooth but taut with urgency, as the artist contemplates climate disaster and personal struggles. “It Must Change,” trills with the coolest falsetto, while “Sliver of Ice” reverberates with a low, hushed passion. Every song lands a punch, soft when it happens but ringing for days in your ears.

The Drin — Today My Friend You Drunk the Venom (Feel It)

“Venom” lurches and blurts, bass thumping, drums clashing, monotone vocals drenched in menace. It’s a punk song distilled to essence, a world in itself, a short, brutal blast that is also somehow psychedelically expansive. The Fall, the Swell Maps and Adrian Sherwood haunt this disc in various places, but the Drin is its own mysterious thing.

Wreckless Eric — Leisureland (Tapete)

“Get yourself a one-way ticket for the merry-go-round,” sings the Bard of Hull on the last and most exhilarating song from his ninth full-length. That’s “Drag Time,” with its indelible hook, its enveloping harmonies, its hint of Amy Rigby in the chorus. Let’s just go way out on a limb here and say it’s as good, maybe better, than “Whole Wide World.”  

En Attendant Ana — Principia (Trouble in Mind)

Good lord, was Trouble in Mind on a roll this year or what? I could put Melanas or Tubs here, with FACS not far behind, but instead, let us contemplate the light-and-dark wonder of “Black Morning,” with its giddy counterpoints, its bright, sustaining trumpet, its boppy beat and its underpinning, somehow, of shadowy melancholy. Or the skanky bass that kicks off “Same Old Story,” in a prickly way, the lone element of dissonance that gives a daydream teeth.

Stella Kola—S-T (Self-Release)

Everybody who’s anybody in W. Mass alt.folk does a turn on this magical LP—centered around Beverly Ketch and Rob Thomas but including PG Six, Wednesday Knudson, Jeremy Pisani, Willy Lane and Jen Gelineau. Despite the expansiveness of the ensemble, these songs are feather light and lucid, like Pentangle sprinkled with magic dust.

Mudhoney — Plastic Eternity (Sub Pop)

Psychedelic overload meets raw punk and potty humor in this 12th album from the grunge godfathers. I like the sheer rush and swirl of cuts like “Almost Everything” and “Souvenir of my Trip” best, but bare, belligerent “Flush the Fascists” is grade-A too, and how can anyone resist Mark Arm paying tribute to his best bud on “Little Dogs.”

Beirut — Hadsel (Pompeii)

Hadsel is surprisingly cheery for an album recorded on a remote Norwegian island in the dead of winter, with swoony harmonies and counterpoints, intricate synthesized beats and blares of an antique pipe organ. “We had so many plans,” Zach Condon sings, both mourning and subtly sending up his cohort’s response to the COVID pandemic, but this remarkably pretty album seems more like a happy accident.

The Feelies—Some Kinda Love (Bar None)

What a total pleasure it is when one jangly, drone-y, indie rock phenomenon pays tribute to the wellspring. In this case, it’s the Feelies covering many of the Velvet Underground’s best known songs at a live show in 2018 where everyone had a blast. Now you can, too.

More albums that I loved in the order that I thought of them.

Iron & Wine—Who Can See Forever Soundtrack (Sub Pop)

Melanas—Ahora (Trouble in Mind)

Sleaford Mods — UK Grim (Domino)

The Tubs — Dead Meat (Trouble in Mind)

Sky Furrows—Reflect and Oppose (Feeding Tube/Cardinal Fuzz)

Lonnie Holley — Oh Me Oh My (Jagjaguwar)

Yo La Tengo—This Stupid World (Matador)

The Toads—In the Wilderness (Upset the Rhythm)

Dan Melchior—Welcome to Redacted City (Midnight Cruiser)

James and the Giants—S-T (Kill Rock Stars)

Ben Chasny and Rick Tomlinson—Waves (VOIX)

Bonnie Prince Billy—Keeping Secrets Will Destroy You (Drag City)

CLASS—If You’ve Got Nothing (Feel It)

The Clientele—I’m Not There Anymore (Merge)

Devendra Banhart—Flying Wig (Mexican Summer)

Kristin Hersh—Clear Pond Road (FIRE)

Sally Anne Morgan—Carrying (Thrill Jockey)

FACS—Still Life in Decay (Trouble in Mind)

Setting—Shone a Rainbow Light On (Paradise of Bachelors)

Airto Moreira & Flora Purim—A Celebration (BBE)

Sweeping Promises—Good Living Is Coming For You (Feel It)

James Waudby—On the Ballast Miles (East Riding Acoustic)

Emergency Group—Venal Twin (Centripetal Force)

Ryan Davis and the Roadhouse Band—Sing Dancing on the Edge (Sophomore Lounge)

Tyvek—Overground (Gingko)

Wurld Series—The Giant’s Lawn (Melted Ice Cream)

Various Artists—STOP MVP (War Hen)

[lyledebeast]

It's been a minute since I've written a post about The Patriot, but what better time than the next to last day of the year while recovering from covid?

A while ago, another parallel between Benjamin Martin and the titular character in my old, bygone fandom the BBC Robin Hood occurred to me. How many times does Robin threaten to throw in the towel on being the peoples' savior for reasons that range from his love interest being murdered to some townsfolk having the audacity to hold him responsible for the consequences the Sheriff of Nottingham doles out to all of them in response to his actions? A lot of times across the show's three seasons, it turns out. And it would be one thing if the point being made was that no one can save the world alone. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes and has to rely on their friends to pick them up. Considering that every time Robin quits, it is a friend who brings him back, that would be an excellent point to make. But it's not. It's Robin's name on the tin, and the show never lets us forget it.

Although "the patriot" technically refers to Martin's son Gabriel, it is Benjamin who is consistently presented as the movie's hero even as he is ready to give up every time something he failed to foresee happens or his solution to a problem does not immediately work. He gives up on reasoning with ALL British officers after his efforts with Colonel "Fire the house and barns" fail, resulting in massive carnage. He gives up on mounting any kind of offensive against the Green Dragoons when sends everyone home after arriving too late to save one family. He packs up to go home again after Gabriel dies. His momma raised a quitter for sure.

In some respects, the series is more grating because the arc over which the complication arises, the hero throws in the towel, his friends talk him out of it, and he eventually triumphs plays out in multiple episodes with no variation. But, there is another comparison to be made between the two. In Robin Hood, Sheriff Vaisey and Guy of Gisborne are both trying to increase their own power and wealth in different ways over the course of the series, and Robin is foiling them. Catching Robin is not the end goal for these antagonists that catching Martin becomes for Colonel Tavington. And Tavington, unlike his historical inspiration Banastre Tarleton, never gives up in all the months he spends in this pursuit. His response when General Cornwallis berates him for his failure to deliver Martin is simply "Thus far."

The final fight between him and Martin provides a particularly stark contrast. Tavington, by that point, has been violently thrown from his horse (deceased) and shot in the arm by Martin, not to mention that he is still recovering from being shot in the side by Gabriel a few days earlier. He doesn't care. He picks himself up, literally. He tells himself "Be Gay and Carry On," or "Keep Calm and do Crimes," and he attacks. Initially, he and Martin are evenly matched, and Tavington takes some more damage. He decks Martin in the face and slashes him with his saber. Martin, outraged, head-butts him and stabs him in the tit. Again, Tavington doesn't care. He is a bad bitch, and this is a typical Tuesday in the British Army. He rallies and slashes Martin on the back and legs and . . . that's pretty much the end of the fight as a fight.

(I must make an aside here that I was adamant at the outset of writing this that as soon as Tavington touched Martin, he was done. Martin was How Very Dare You? Don't You Know Who I Am? and just falls apart. That isn't quite true, but he certainly doesn't have the resilience of someone who has not had triumph handed to him again and again. Rewatch the source material when you write meta, folks.)

After punching Martin in the face and slashing his arm, Tavington, who has been fighting with only his saber up to this point, drops to one knee, picks up the bayonet that eventually ends up going through his neck, and rises with a menacing grin. Apparently, he wants to be evenly matched with Martin more than he wants to take advantage of Martin's loopiness from having been hit for the first time in twenty years with something more than an emotional blow. The slut. Of course, what also happens is that he gives Martin an opportunity to recover that Martin certainly does not give him (conduct of a gentleman be damned). And as we all know, it's certainly not the last time this happens.

Both of these low-pain-and-disappointment-tolerant heroes have the reputation of being great fighters, but I feel confident in saying Robin deserves his far more. Pretty much every time someone gains the upper hand over him, that person is fighting dirty. In The Patriot, let's be honest. Benjamin Martin is the dirty fighter here. He is very good at jumping out from behind trees to kill people who didn't know he was there one second before, but he sure as hell can't take a hit. Ultimately, his triumph is even more annoying than Robin's for several reasons. Robin's longsuffering, under-appreciated friends are usually able to get his ass back on track before peasant casualties accumulate iirc. Martin's inaction contributes significantly to the movie's very high civilian body count. For this reason, along with his being a bitch of a completely different kind than Tavington, Martin does not deserve to be bailed out of situations where he is so ready to embrace defeat. Moreover, I think Tavington deserved a little bit of triumph. Not too much; he is a child-murdering war criminal. But he deserved to take Martin out with him. He certainly worked a lot harder for it than Martin did.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Tess Finch-Lees: It hasn’t gone away you know, Paris Olympics proved ignoring Covid is not a winner - Published Aug 20, 2024

‘Olympic dreams shattered”, “Covid causing havoc”, “Everyone’s dropping like flies”: just some of the headlines from the Paris “post-Covid Olympics”. But when it comes to fighting Covid, there’s nothing.

At the outset, the World Health Organisation (WHO) warned of a SARS-Cov-2 surge globally, with a 20pc positivity rate in Europe (not seasonal, not normal) and at least 40 outbreaks in the Olympic village.

Many athletes were unable to compete due to post-acute Covid illnesses. Volunteers wrote to organisers saying “Covid pandemic threat denial” won’t protect against infection, demanding the implementation of scientifically proven mitigations. Organisers replied they were monitoring the situation and since there’s no testing, there’s no data and technically, no Covid. However, sanitiser is available.

The WHO also warned in recent weeks that the SARS2 pandemic is far from over and such high levels of uncontrolled transmission could lead to more severe variants emerging. A travel warning was issued for countries where transmission doubled in a week. Ireland was among them. Unsurprising, given our SARS2 wastewater levels last month were the highest since 2021. I guess Covid didn’t get Luke O’Neill’s “the pandemic’s over” memo.

It’s our Government’s job to communicate WHO health information to the public. No announcement ensued. Radio silence also from our Government-appointed interim chief medical officer, Professor Mary Horgan.

Public health officials and the media have a duty to expose the huge body of buried evidence of harms associated with repeated, forced SARS2 infections. The Irish Nurses and Midwives Organisation reported 9,755 patients waiting for beds last month – the worst month for overcrowding since records began in 2006.

Yet, responding to Limerick Hospital’s suspension of services due to emergency department overcrowding, Health Minister Stephen Donnelly claimed the number of people waiting on trolleys overall was falling.

Last month, I documented the rising SARS2 surge resulting in hospital outbreaks, harming patients and staff with a predicted knock-on effect on all services. Had Mr Donnelly reinstated universal masking then, this deterioration might have been mitigated. A study in the Journal of Hospital Infection last month found that preventative measures in healthcare, including staff N95/FFP2/3 masking and patient admission screening saved lives and money through reduced in-patient days and staff sickness.

SARS2 deaths data has not been published since May. My repeated requests for this data have thus far yielded nothing. But, we know that deaths increase globally after every wave, as do those suffering with long-Covid.

A review of long-Covid published in Nature Medicine last week, estimated that up to the end of last year, 400 million people of all ages, regardless of health status, have long-Covid, leading to an annual global economic toll of $1trn, or 1pc of the global GDP. Author Dr Ziyad Al-Aly warns that long-Covid affects nearly every organ system, including cardiovascular, endocrine, immune, reproductive, gastrointestinal and nervous system, describing it as, “the defining health crisis of our time”.

The review authors concluded that, effective policies should focus on prevention, support for patients, access to quality care, a co-ordinated global response, professional education and public health communication.

Five years into this pandemic, the evidence of harm is now irrefutable. Yet most people are unaware, for example, of the Lancet study published in June indicating brain abnormalities in survivors of Covid two years later and that “people recovering continue to experience cognitive, psychiatric, neurological symptoms and brain functional alterations”. Numerous studies have found that even “mild” SARS2 infections can cause or accelerate neurological degeneration. This has wide-ranging implications.

In May, pathologist Dr Margot Bolster reported that Covid-induced brain fog was likely a significant factor in a multi-car crash in Cork killing two in 2022. The driver, who veered onto the wrong side of the road, tested positive for Covid in the morgue. “There were all sorts of brain symptoms with it… it affected all organs of the body,” Dr Bolster said.

Last week, the WHO issued yet another warning: “Your health is precious. Protect yourself and loved ones from Covid: stay at home if sick. Test, get boosted, ventilate, mask around others.”

Again, this information was not shared. Instead, our governments are pathologising those of us using proven tools to protect ourselves and our loved ones. As though being scientifically literate is an act of disobedience, punishable by state-sponsored stigma and ostracisation.

The Paris Olympics proved that pretending the pandemic is over only serves to prolong it, that everyone, including elite athletes, are vulnerable and that we can’t hand-wash our way out of an airborne pandemic.

We urgently need clean indoor air and sterilising vaccines. Until then, FFP3 masks are the most effective tool we’ve got to protect our precious health.

[she-karev]

April and Amber Argue

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of One

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 5

Summary: Amber reveals to April about her night with DeLuca causing April to take out her conflicting feelings for Jackson out on her calling Amber selfish and destructive resulting in Amber insulting her back.

Words: 2861

April 26th, 2020

Amber is back in Jackson Avery’s penthouse feeling the wind touch her face as she leans forward on the balcony railing overlooking the city at night. It’s her first day back in her temporary home since her covid quarantine ended. Normally on a good day like today she would be celebrating or at the very least be happy to be healthy but instead she has an inner conflict that has been ongoing since she and Andrew DeLuca stepped out of that hotel room after spending the night together.

When she allowed herself to fully embrace him, she was so sure of herself and confident it was what she wanted. Amber wanted it very much because DeLuca has been taking care of her these past two weeks and overtime she’s come to appreciate his company during isolation. She didn’t think she wanted to be close to him like that again but when he took a shower in her bathroom she couldn’t resist. It was like all her memories of how he treated her over the past year left her brain and instead she felt around him how she used to before his mental breakdown.

But now she’s out of the room and all those memories came flooding back and she remembered why she is so reluctant to get back together with him. She remembered that while Andrew is more stable and taking his meds, she doesn’t fully feel like she can trust him and make herself vulnerable around him like she used to.

Her mom would be stable for a while too and then she would slip because something or someone would cause her to break. In those moments Amber had a front row seat to the delusions and aggression that unfortunately comes with schizophrenia. It frustrated Amber that she would always come second in her mother’s fractured mind, and it happened again when DeLuca was showing symptoms and would either lash out or ignore Amber completely.

And when her sweet older brother, Aaron, inherited the illness Amber was his first target during his first psychotic episode. It was a hard recovery after he beat her so bad she had to have surgery on her jaw. And it was especially hard for her to trust him around her. But she saw his regret and heartbreak the first time he visited her at their uncle’s three months after she was discharged. It was heart wrenching for her when he kneeled down seeing the post op bruises on her jaw and cried on her lap for ten minutes straight. He did something their mother never did with them, beg for forgiveness.

She could see her brother was doing the work to make sure he wouldn’t end up like their mother. He went from being a mover to a local courier so he can set up a steady routine for himself. He takes his meds every day and attends therapy with a doctor they like once a week. It was hard at first for him but he managed.

It got so to the point where he manages a moving business with a coworker friend of his. He gets to work behind a desk instead of driving around the city for hours. Aaron even met a kindergarten teacher named Emma four years ago and they married a year later and had two sons after that. Seeing him do so well and being a better parent than both of theirs combined had Amber forgive him completely and they keep in touch even while she’s in Seattle and he’s back in Iowa.

When he called her back in January she broke down in tears and confessed to him about Andrew’s mania and him kicking her out. He responded angry for her offering to come down and kick his ass. She rejected the offer knowing a duel between DeLuca and Aaron would end with her ex in a body bag. He told her she deserved better, and that DeLuca was an idiot to let her go. It made her feel better but not enough to quash the heartbreak.

Her phone rings and she picks it up and sees on the screen Mom’s name pop up to her displeasure. Amber has been dodging her mother’s calls since this year began. Being around Andrew and his chaotic mental illness triggered all the bad memories with her mother and made her reluctant to answer her phone. She could guess Aaron told their mom about the breakup and probably the covid and she wants to reach out as well. But Amber wasn’t in the mood instead opting for messages through Aaron knowing her mom doesn’t text. She hangs up the phone and puts it back in her pocket.

“Not picking up?” Amber turns to find April Kepner behind her with a comforting grin holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand and two straight up glasses in the other.

“It’s my mom I owe her a call.” Amber explains peeved before heading to the balcony couch, “And I will…as soon as I get some alcohol in this mouth.”

Amber plops on the couch with April joining her keeping a respectable distance on the armchair by the couch setting the items on the wooden coffee table in front of them.

April uncaps the bottle, “Jackson says sorry for not being here today he wanted to come but he had work today.”

Amber understands as April pours their glasses, “It’s fine I get it.”

“Plus, he’s trying to get Richard to talk to Catherine about wearing a mask.” April sips her glass, “He’s worried about his mom since he saw that picture of her mask dangling from her ear. She drives around town in a car with her driver and she’s immunocompromised, so Jackson is trying to get her to follow the rules so Harriet can grow up with her grandma.”

“Mothers are hard.” Amber supports with an irritated face sipping her drink, “Life is hard, everything is hard.”

April chuckles darkly, “Wow okay Edgar Allan Poe tell us how you really feel. You know for someone who just got a clean bill of health you are morose. More so than usual at least, what’s going on in your end?”

“You don’t want to know trust me.” Amber numbly replies before throwing her drink back and finishing it.

April looks worried for her friend who reaches over for the bottle to pour herself another glass, “Is this about DeLuca? I know he visited a lot when you were in quarantine did he upset you?”

Amber groans softly leaning back on the cushions with her glass in her hands in front of her, “No he didn’t he was…talking to him over the door was the only good thing to come out of this year.”

April nods in understanding, “2020 has been hard on all of us, it makes talking to your charming and stable ex over a hotel door during quarantine seem like Candyland.”

April tells her this out of understanding her friend’s predicament concerning opening themselves up to their exes who hurt them in the past. During Amber’s quarantine April comforted Jackson when he was sad about Amber, and he kissed her. She was shocked at first and told him not to do it again unless he actually wants to be with her.

When he kissed her, it was like a time machine came and took them back to when they were still married. It took them back to the blissful stage of their lives before grief and tragedy destroyed them. It was like they were back to their first night together and for a few seconds April was happy and responded back. Until she remembered their deal when she first moved in and how this hurdle could affect Harriet.

They both agreed then that the kiss was a stupid mistake on their parts that shouldn’t happen again. April wasn’t so sure the kiss was a mistake, but the uncertainty is what stops her from pursuing anything further. It stops her from repeating Montana and driving a bridge between her and Jackson that she can’t have right now. She’s not sure if she wants a relationship with him again but she is sure that she needs him in her life while the world is falling apart. It’s that thought that makes her relate to Amber on what she thinks is her considering DeLuca to be her anchor in the pandemic.

Amber sighs in agony before sipping her liquid courage so she can seek advice from her friend instead of Jackson who will most likely judge her, “It’s not that…I slept with him.”

April stops sipping and her eyes widen at this new information. Amber nods at that with a blank face before continuing.

“It happened last night, I was declared negative, he was examining me and…it was like a force took over and I gave in to him. I mean he has been so good to me while I was sick, he’s talked to me outside the door, he brought me food, he never left my side once. Seeing him like that it wasn’t the Andrew I resented for months now it was…it was like I saw the man I fell in love with.”

April sips her whiskey before responding, “So you two are back together?”

“No.” Amber exclaims before pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration, “I mean maybe I-I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Amber asks sharply, feeling triggered by her uncertainty as it reminds her of Jackson’s unsureness after Montana and after their recent kiss.

“I mean…” Amber struggles to find the words, “I wish the Andrew who broke my heart and the Andrew I fell in love with were two different people it would makes this so much easier but they’re not. The kind and generous man who got me to open my heart to him and the manic and irrational bastard who compared me to my parents are one and the same and it scares me. It brings me back to the time where I would excuse my mom’s behavior with her illness even when she got me in and out of foster care. My mom lost my trust, and so did he and I don’t know if I can do that again.”

April sighs at this is frustration feeling more sympathetic to DeLuca than to Amber that she makes clear as she coldly states, “Yeah well maybe you should have thought of that before you slept with him.”

Amber is taken back by this ice level statement from April and looks at her in blank shock. She expected comforting words and sympathy instead she’s getting snide comments from someone she considers a close friend.

Amber tries to explain to April who keeps her eyebrows furrowed and her lips in a thin line like she’s annoyed, “Well believe me having sex with him wasn’t part of my plan until I saw him and it became a moment of passion and it was-”

April interrupts rubbing her eyes in anger as she has déjà vu to when she first brought up Montana to Jackson who basically disregarded her feelings about it, “Well passion takes some thinking too Karev and unless you were possessed or passed out then the consequences of your actions are on you, and you should take responsibility instead of making excuses.” 

Amber gets defensive now, “I’m not making excuses I’m just talking to you about my feelings and my conflict about this.”

April pinches the bridge of her nose closing her eyes still frustrated, “If you’re so conflicted then why did you sleep with him in the first place? Why did you put yourself and him in this position when you could have let him walk away? Have you asked yourself that?”

Amber sips her whiskey narrowing her eyes at the interrogation, “I didn’t have time to question myself or him seeing as how we didn’t do a lot of talking last night when both of our needs were met after this isolating month.”

“Oh god don’t use the pandemic as an excuse.” April retorts with venom, “I’m isolating too, and you don’t see me jumping my ex because unlike you I care about the consequences, and I don’t use people like you do.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Amber asks offended.

April wants to stop but her anger towards Jackson’s mixed signals has her taking her frustration on Amber after hearing her put Andrew through the same thing she’s going through, “You know what Amber sometimes you can be self-centered.”

Amber’s eyes widen at that as the red head continues, “I mean you focus on your needs and how something or someone can help you achieve that with no regard for the people you hurt.”

Amber scoffs at her cruelty, “Wow April, I think you hit a 20 on the harshness scale.”

“No what is harsh is you giving DeLuca hope and letting him think you guys are getting back together when you aren’t even sure he’s what you want.” April states factly, “Have you ever considered he has feelings too and how he’ll feel if you break his heart?”

“Of course I have.”

“No, you didn’t” April says with narrow eyes, “You are so caught up in your own point of view that you can’t see it from others especially Andrew’s.”

Amber looks slightly hurt by her desecration of her character, but April continues, “He has had a hard year and not just because of the pandemic. He suffered a mental breakdown, lost the woman he loves, and his home country is dying he doesn’t need you adding more to his plate. He is trying to keep his life and sanity together and you’re willing to sabotage that because you were horny.”

Amber’s mouth gaps open at that and she responds back in fury, “Okay you know what April this has been a really hard time for me and I had a moment of weakness. I saw the man I loved again, and I just wanted one night where everything was okay and after…after that I remembered why we can never work.”

April purses her lips in distaste that pisses Amber off, “What? Do you have something else to say?”

April groans sipping her whiskey, “I will not engage with you further.”

Amber chuckles sarcastically, “You know you think you’re doing me or yourself a favor by zipping it but you started this so you should have the balls to finish it Kepner. I’m here trying to talk to you about my life until you decided to point out everything, I’m doing wrong so come on I’m a big girl I can take it let’s go!”

“You are so caught up in your past you can’t move on.” April tells Amber who shakes her head throwing her hands up annoyed as April continues, “You say that you’ve worked hard to overcome everything your family did to you but if that was true you wouldn’t toss Deluca aside after he got better. He is doing everything to make things right in his life and not end up like his father. He’s taking his meds he’s going to therapy, but you still can’t see that he’s not your mom or your brother. You can’t see that he is the man you love. He’s the one with the mental illness but compared to him you have years of work to do before you can actually be in a stable relationship. And I am sorry Amber, but you are a coward for not seeing what is right in front of you.”

Amber scoffs and goes for the kill, “Oh I’m the coward? I’m the coward for leaving him after being exposed to this trauma again and leaving? You’re calling me out for leaving him when he needed me? That is a real pot kettle Kepner.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” April asks in disbelief.

Amber throws her drink back before getting down to it, “I left him because I couldn’t handle his illness attacking me, but you left Jackson because you couldn’t handle that he needed you after Samuel.”

April looks shocked at her friend going there, “You didn’t think he would need you you didn’t think he was in pain you just thought that he would be okay with you choosing a war zone over your marriage. You left him, he needed you and you left him, and it nearly broke him. Did you ever stop to think that’s why he didn’t bring up Montana until now? Did you ever think that’s the reason he is so reluctant to get back together with you?”

“I cannot believe you would-You know what.” April decides to stop before she hits Amber in the face. She puts her drink down and stands up, “Just forget it I’m going to bed.”

Amber scoffs and has a last word while April walks away, “Yeah great walk away from important things like you always do.” April doesn’t respond instead she goes upstairs leaving Amber in the balcony to drink alone now more angry than conflicted.

[ravennaramos]

(Rare / long post) Yesterday was my final day of work, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't spend last night in tears.

I feel a little numb, and it feels surreal overall, that I am leaving New Orleans, and so rapidly (this Friday!)

Anybody that knows me, knows that this city comprises not only a core part of my personality, but also my identity as a whole. Since I was an eleven-year-old girl, this is the only city I've ever wanted to live. I cherish carnival season, the brass bands, the above-ground cemeteries, and the streetcar that I can hear from my living room. I have five New Orleans tattoos. I adore the crescent city, and I am grieving its loss as thoroughly and deeply as any loss in my life.

But when I look back to the summer of 2016, as I was preparing to load up our 15-foot U-Haul and commence the 1,000 mile journey southward, arriving on NOLA's doorstep homeless and jobless, I can't say that I thought I would live here forever. I can't say that I saw myself living here until I was 90, weaving the decades together in a single continuous unbroken thread of Mardi Gras and hurricane seasons and Mr. Bingles. If anything, perhaps I didn't expect to live in one flat for seven years straight, the longest I've lived at one address since I was a child in my mother's care. And I certainly didn't expect to level up the way that I have professionally, starting out as a cashier in the French Quarter for $13/hour, and ending up with a shiny new graduate degree and a wage offer nearly three times that. New Orleans has simultaneously been a loving benefactor and a cruel mistress.

I think that, more than most, COVID really broke me. I didn't realize it back in 2020, or even 2021, but it is clear now. I never stopped quarantining. Sure I leave my house for work, and making groceries, and the few beauty appointments that I schedule. But I walked out of the Quarter when I lost my job on March 19, 2020, and did not tiptoe back inside its boundaries until four weeks ago on August 12th. The few friendships that germinated here died unceremoniously over that time, due to my lack of attention, and I was unable to nurture them back to life. I don't really go anywhere, I don't really do anything. The last three years haven't been a waste; I've worked meticulously on myself, my physical and spiritual health, my emotional and professional growth. But I feel that I've come to the end of being able to move forward in this city, at this time. I have to force myself out of this cycle of working and coming home to an apartment I'm renting alone. Home ownership, international travel, a marriage, a family, a doctoral degree, career growth, ain't gonna manifest itself.

In many ways, I never got used to being back in the Southeast of my childhood. I never got used to hurricane season, or the streets flooding with every single goddamn rainstorm, or the potholes that blew out my left front tire. I never got used to the sewage & water board neglecting to read my water meter for over two years now (they send estimated bills). I never got used to AT&T's 18mbps internet, the fastest I can get here. I never got over Hurricane Ida, or the Hard Rock Hotel collapse. As a child I would scream and cry at the sight of a flying cockroach; I still do. And I sure as fuck have never gotten used to this unrelenting godforsaken heat, the hottest summer in New Orleans ever on record, 52+ days of excessive heat warnings thus far. Inadvertently, I'm donning the label of climate change refugee. Everyone here will, a hundred years from now. 

My relationship with New Orleans is complex and complicated. I'm sure that I will cry while packing up my things and perhaps all the way to the eastern seaboard. İn şa Allah, I will try again here in the future, perhaps retire here when I can acquire such luxuries as central air, a dishwasher, a parking spot, a washer and dryer. For now, my blossoming must continue within the funny-shaped border of the beautiful blue state of Maryland. I am ready for a beginning.  

I love you, New Orleans