#but then acheiving it like im going to feel better

[octoxicash]

abandoning down all my twt accs for the forseeable future for real now, wiping my public accs art too sometime today

some thoughts on it bc i feel a bit emotional abt it? is that stupid? over twt?? . idk give me better things to think abt or draw in my inbox or smthn

my OctoXicAsh twt acc was literally my first acc under that name, ig besides my Splatoon 2 acc where i adopted it. like before that it was shit like. CattyKat or smthn. i know ShadowKat or UltimateKat was one at some point. that user is probably still out there somewhere on League or smthn. stupid shit shit like that but not ME yknow?. OctoXic / OtoXicAsh was like my first For Real Me usernames ever and obviously i still use it to this day. so that acc feels special to me ig

it was my first social media platform too (not counting Pinterest bc i didnt use it as a social thing and still dont) and i met my bestest of friends and my now boyfriend too thru the dsmp/mcyt boom in 2021. id say that was my first truely interactive fandom which is an cringeass shit to say at my grown age but my families were too poor to afford a phone for me til i was like 16/17 and before that i just,, wasnt a very adventurous kid on the computer. 2021 jump into twt and fanart was my first step outside of my own bubble, and during the pandemic it became a lifeline. and like. Elon buying twt sealed its grave, there was no doubt abt it but i was def one of those "i go down w my ship" people bc thats STILL my biggest acc by a LONG SHOT and i had made WAY too many great memories and friends to let it go. up until literally today, my priv twt OctoIsYelling is STILL essentially a massive groupchat for me an my friends in an acc form, interactive and communicative while still letting me be in my own page. its better than insta or tumblr in that sense and it was PERFECT before it went to shit

but now the site genuinely barely functions man. its slow and laggy and reloads constantly and eats my battery worse than SKY COTL. AN ACHEIVEMENT. the app just refuses to work at all if i have my phone plugged in for whatever reason and idk how to fix it. i thought it was a me problem for so long until 1 post talking abt it changed everything. like it GENUINELY DOESNT WORK. and it SUCKS. its plauged with adds for a subscription that no one reasonable would pay for and straight up hard alt-right politics. the bots are outrageous like its sooo bad its so bad i havent opened my dms on public acc in at least a yr. sorry if anyone tried to get ahold of me. the algorithm that used to be like at least half decent is now ALL doom and bait and SHIT, its not even rlly worth it to try n cultivate ur spaces now bc no matter what shit u dont want is being pushed in ur face. the transphobia is so unbelievably bad, and while ive done my best to fix my tl its still so ass. THEY TOOK AWAY TWT CIRCLES MY BEST FRIEND 💔💔💔💔 I USED TO USE THAT FOR SHOWING OFF ART FOR MY FRIENDS TO MY OTHER FRIENDS WITHOUT THE ONE WHO ITS FOR SEEING💔💔💔💔💔💔

despite all that keeps going wrong or being fucked over i still held on for so long but i just CANT in right mind stay on the site any longer when its actively feeding its generative ai. ive been small enough and lucky enough to where no one has targeted me and used my shit (that i know of) but now its completely unavoidable and its UPSETTING

i want my big friend gc that was my web of oomfs and moots back. bluesky has hope for me but theres no priv accs and im not comfortable enough to air out every thought i have publicly. idk when privs r coming there but i hope its soon :( i miss old twt so much and i only caught glimpses of it before it was bought out. im so thankful for my time there but i cant help but feel hurt yknow?

idk if anyone else understands me rlly bc ppl have just been so frustrated w the site/app and the cons have def been outweighing the pros, but i still loved my time there. i hope im making sense. it sucks. it feels too personal. thats THE OctoXicAsh and OctoIsYelling accs. that was essentially my journal. :(

i dont have the heart to deactivate my accs esp w the load of history i have on them i RLLY dont want it gone, but ill be wiping my art from my art acc and ceasing all activity on them indefinitely. probably forever. hell.

thank u for reading all that if u did. im feeling sooo fine abt everything in my life rn. everything is falling to peices lately but were sooo fine. we ball so hard

[docilepillow]

April 2024 Media diary

yea im good thanks PSEUDOREGALIA

by part this game and by part not really this game's kinda burning me out lol like the games objectively good i think its just the game style and some of the design choices that kind of abbrasively make me not like this game as much as i should like i love goats i love platformers i love metroidvanias but after finishing this game i dont really say i lik it persay but at the end i can only bring myself to only hate aspects of it , more then anything? like the ccombats ok its nothing flashy. and like. the main mechanic of this is wall kicking, whicch feels cool as hell . the movement in this game is great. but with how hands-off it is , and in combination with the nonlinearity and intended sequence breaking you can do, it is * horrifically * easy to get lost. i hear an earlier version of this game didn't even have a map, which is awful for this genre in my opinion. id describe this game as very frustrating and it feels like 90 percent of the time you're hitting your head against a wall trying to go anywhere, which, for some people, is absolutely fantasstic. im sure trying to fedangle around with this moveset is awesome. but i spent most of the game just wanting to get the full moveset as soon as possible, because, allthough a completely deterministic game as far as i'm aware, progressing from place to place feels really convoluted. i feel like in between grunting " ugh " and " I want this to be over with " and " god i wish there was an upgrade for this " and " i'm SO lost..! " the game has great ambiance and area design and theres plenty to do, i just kinda wish you had like . a few more quality of life features in the game. like . idk. like an area completion counter for each area, or a cursor for where you're located on the map.... Then again , i dont think thiss game was designed with that in mind, so i think it's just a shame or for people that just aren't like me. Yea, sybil is cute, i guess. ill give credit for that. i just cant really see that over what's , for the bulk of it, a stressful affair that feels like guesswork and trail and error. if this game ever gets a big qol update, i'd probably love it a whole lot more, but once again, i'm pretty sure thats an intentional artistic decision to reflect the era it's from . i went into this wanting to like it a whole lot more, i promise, but this is like a 5 out of 10 game ( for me personally ) ... i basically spent alot of it mentally appologizing to nmh2 for some reason. i need a break for today. i'm kind of really dissapointed right now THE CROODS video game movie

its cool

Also, on the topic of mario maker 2, which, technically, i finished last month, i DID in fact finish mario maker 2's story mode! i simply neglected to before andd i think it's okay. i think its a little bit better then the 3ds version's array of levels, and, playing them so close together, i'm honestly surprised they didn't try to impliment the acheivements you can get in those levels in this game, given the fact that so much is tracked by clear conditions in MM2. i wonder if that was a prototype feature they tried early in 3ds before implimenting it in the sequel? Oh well. i'm glad they just ddint implliment the clear condition where you cant get grabbed by claws, those are just the absolute worst..!

Daemonis Algebra

https://gothbingarbage.itch.io/daemonisalgebra

This one's actually nice and special, because i can say some friends of mine made it! It's for a gamejam, so it's pretty simple, but i think it's relatively effective for the kind of hectic gameplay they were going for with it. I'm actually a little bit clumsy when it comes to assembling the little " creature " you're putting together by running around the map, and, i get the sense they're supposed to match,but, given my luck / level of coordination, my creatures usually end up looking something like this --

Oops. It very much affectionately reminds me of older styled flash games you'd find on coolmath, though it's definitely a lot more polished then most of the ones i think of aestetically and mechanically. You just kind of dash around and collect charming little monster parts. It's a little hard to figure out what part's a leg or an arm or the like sometimes ( I actually thought my animal's head was an arm ); but i'm really confident in saying thats a genuine creative decision- it's kind of like a cute little cartoon dilema. i absolutely love this game's cute spritework and music!!!!!!!!!! go play it right now stupid!!!!!

( I Got Sidetracked And Am Doing The Entries For Everything Below At The Last Minute Because Of Nocturne ) THE PRINCESS BRIDE

I've seen this movie before, but i think it still holds up good. An overall solid movie with basically everything you could want from a classic film. Very very watchable with people or alone. You can't really complain with the film at all but i dont havve any new thoughtss on it or anything pokemon scarlet violet epilogue

TLDR; techniiicallly i've finished scarlet-violet a long, long time ago, and i mostly just.... forgot about it up until decently recently, after the prior movie i think, and was prodded to give it a try by a friend. I think some of the writing at the start is charming enough and it's not completely a waste like the rest of the game , but i'm still of the strong opinion that this dlc isn't even half the bar set by Swoshi's entire DLC lineup, which is a little bit sad.... I guess that's what happens when you rush out an open world supermassive entry in a series known for scopecreep and capital interest..? That seems a bit cynical, but I don' t really remember much of my thoughts about it in retrospect, now. It's a little out of the way, but i'd hate to see what happens to this event when servers go down and you can't get pecharunt's item anymore.

POKEROGUE

There isn't really a good image to represent this game, so just the logo will do, i guess. TLDR, I think this is a fangame with a cute idea, and psudo-decent execution , but it's definitely still a work in progress. the earlygame grind where you're just trying to get started is absolutely brutal in a way that is simply just---- timeconsuming and not that much fun at all. If you want to check out the game yourself, I reccomend catching a paldean tauros as soon as possible so you can use it at the start of future runs. The basegame is set to last around 200 rounds, so it's definitely a massive time commitment to try, but once you do get a run going, it can be fun. I still think the earlygame needs ironing out and some of the moves aren't fully implemented yet because it's still new. I'll be honest and mostly say i jumped on this one out of a bandwagon. If you're curious to see me try a run, this clip might still be up for anyone to watch, but i wouldn't count on it forever - https://streamable.com/44j2v2 STRONG BAD'S COOL GAME FOR ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE

( The first 4 episodes, out of 5 . I ran out of time, once again, thanks to nocturne. Oops! )

SBCGFAP on wiiware is a game based around homestar runner, which i've mostly come to appreciate only recently this year. I got into it around February, where me and my boyfriend incidentally started watching it around the tail end of our trip. A few months later, and i'm super endeared by this show's writing style! It sort of feels like how something like Castlevania or Spore feel like to me now, in that it's not really a thing that's upkept anymore that much, with sparing crumbs of new stuff to see thrown out in little rations . So, when i got home, and, having recently re-modded my wii u ( And, with a Vwii setup, in part due to my sister wanting to play the overseas unreleased Mystery Dungeon games, the means to play wiiware in a way that i'm sure would've been fine to set up, actually, because dolphin is also awesome, just, more convenient for me because it wouldn't be taking up my laptop's storage space ) ; i proposed playing this game with him in call , which we did for a while! I'd say as a complete novice to the Point N' Click and also Telltale Game genre that the writing was pretty suitable. The scenarios are mostly just standard homestar runner stuff, and it did keep a big smile on my face. I actually think my favorite episode so far was the first one, looking back on it, considering how much Homestar is in it and how the puzzles ended up being lighter, but that's to my own preference. I think these games are worth looking into if you have a modded Wii U around, which im sure some people do. I imagine most people getting into HSR would've already watched a lets play or something on youtube already..! Anyway, i think this is good. i think people should give it a try even outside the inherit fact that this game is nearly lost media. I didn't get to finish the trogdor episode more then halfway before getting sidetracked by college preperation stuff. Sorry.. PORTAL 2 - COOPERATIVE TESTING INITATIVE ( technically properly capitalized! )

I've actually never finished any of the portal games! I'm too stupid to finish them ! But my boyfriend is hella into it and I know the story stuff already! And we both haven't done the co-op stuff before! So we did ! On a whim ! And i don't QUITE feel comfortable putting it on my backloggd until i at least finish the singleplayer campaign as well, so that puts me in a neat spot! id like to think i wasnt ccomplete dead weight in this playthrough but i was a little dumb. this game leads to fun banter and silly fun though it lends itself well to being coop and it's not as confusing as it would be when you're working with someone compitent who can backseat you as you completely misinterpret his directions. I'm honestly shocked how high the steam statistic for clearing this mode is , look at this ---

Do a fifth of people really play this???? I can kind of believe that but really ? damn! ! ! ! thats pretty cool you dont usually see numbers like this for modes like this. I'm a little bit sad there aren't more multiplayer co-op experiences like this, but that's kind of what makes them special in the first place. SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI III - NOCTURNE

This game has been one i've been procrastinating on trying since finishing SMT IV and IV-A nearly a year ago now, just in part because of it's reputation as a brutal, arduous journey of an RPG. I've heard many good things about this game. I've heard many bad things about this game. I've heard many things about this game's remaster, and I have it bought on both Steam and PS4. I dunno. Just because it was an SMT game on PS4. The primary thing that's making me finish it now is mostly just in part due to the only game i'm looking forward to, shin megami tensei V - Vengeance, coming out in around a little over a month as of typing this-- and, considering V on switch was how i got into the game, i MOSTLY know what to expect. Though, i never got to finish the DLC in that game . AND if i finished nocturne, i could confidently tackle every ounce of that game's new content under a fresher lens then JUST a series newcomer. I have really high hopes for V-V, but that's not really what this game is about. I knew already in advance that i would need to section off a very large period of time for this game going in , so I basically ended up sticking to logging in a couple of hours over the whole month when not fixating on anything else media wise or when not doing important college preperation shit that I need to get done and in fact STILL HAVE THINGS TO DO FOR. And still i only just barely about had enough time to do it!!! SMT nocturne , for the most part, and as long as you have some expectation and experience in the traditional RPG genre, isn't actually that bad difficulty wise. Like, as long as you're prepared, you'll actually fare way better then in some of the other games in the series that i've played, which is nice. Like, outside something like a super unlucky light / dark magic oneshot hitting you once and a while, as long as you're dilligent and prepare and use the systems you're given, you'll live. Like, i'm not gonna say this is how you get into SMT, but it's reputation is only MOSTLY overblown as unfair and stupidly difficult. But, because i'm stupid, and dont understand the ramifications of my actions, i went for the best ending on my first playthrough, cus, once again, i'm using it as a thing to do before SMT 5 V comes out so i can fully enjoy both. Now, apparently, for most people, it takes 110 hours or so to do the " true demon " ending, but i mostly went in , i dont wanna say rushing, but i mostly went through the game with as little as i'd need to thrive, i guess. optimized? Idk. I think most of the game is very intuitave and very enjoyable. its very somber and very dungeon crawly, and i think its gameplay rules. i think i like IV more still but i think this game is cool most of the time when you don't get cosmiclly unlucky . but like. the final bosses of this game are just fucking cheaterss that kill you . the last dungeon of this game took me like 10 hours by itself its insane thats like my only gripe. like. sometimes id pull up a guide when a boss has like null physical and it kills me because the game doesn't let you double check matchups like the games after it, or when theres a particularly convoluted way forward ( Note - by convoluted, i mostly just mean, i'm too stupid to navigate most 3d games without getting lost at some point unless it's perfectly linear ), or just for convenience, but it's a very fair level of challenge for most of the way if you know what to look out for. my only regret with this game is i'm sorry about any friend discussions ive completely halted by bringing this game up all the time in conversation. oops... That and it takes a surprising amount of effort to go through alos idkd idkd ddikd i just wnana get this log done its way too late at night also i was assuming naively that Nocturne would be my 100th logged game since i've started documenting my own media diaries, but because of how things turned out, it's closer to the 97th on backlogged. Oops! That's an arbitrary achievement only i care enough about! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aloi9Cj6wFA

[evilfivepebbles]

somewhere in 2023, right after downpour came out. 2. i have completed the whole game, but i still havent gotten 2 acheivements 3. outer expanse. its so pretty, but it makes my pc lag so bad 4. past garbage wastes. the acid sucks so bad and it makes me lag almost as much as OE. 5. slugpups. as soon as i see them my paternal instincts kick in and i am suddenly a wild beast trying to protect its babies 6. red lizards. self explanatory. 7. digital sundown. 8. i love her so much and i felt so bad ascending her in saints campaign 9. very interesting character. i feel so bad for him and im honestly glad he was put out of his misery in saints campaign 10. the exact moment i began my first playthrough as monk. 11. quite a lot, actually. in the same monk campaign i tamed a pink lizard in garbage wastes and named him jerry (he died 5 minutes later) 12. FP one. easiest echo to get to and the first echo i ever found 13. dont have one 14. actually finding pebbles and moon. first playthrough, almost completed the game without ever finding either of them, but couldnt cause i couldnt go into the void sea 15. A Helping Hand. nothing more to say on this. 16. the slugcat i was most excited for before i got downpour was rivulet. 17. definitely fight. 18. since i have a grudge against the ascension endings and waited till i got downpour for the tree ending, the monk tree ending made me feel kind of sad, but also really happy because monk and survivor were reunited 19. YES. 20. it would be better if there were more cues like in the tutorial for the movement options. i didnt find out how to roll until winter of 2023! (i got the game in summer) 21. everything. but if i had to choose, the animation method. it being procedurally animated makes the game feel so much more natural 22. i have 90-something mods as of now

Rain World Questionare!

Just felt like making this for fun since I see them floating around sometimes for other fandoms. If you see this, reblog with your answers! I’d love to hear them and I will be sure to read them :)

When did you first start playing Rain World?

Have you completed the game? Which of the campaigns have you completed?

What is your favorite region?

What is your least favorite region?

What is your favorite creature?

What is your least favorite creature?

What is your favorite song from the soundtrack?

What are your opinions on Looks to the Moon (character)?

What are your opinions on Five Pebbles (character)?

What is your most memorable in-game moment?

Have you tamed any lizards?

Which echo is your favorite?

Which of the pearls is your favorite?

Which part of the game was most difficult for you?

Which achievement is your favorite?

Which of the Downpour slugcats are you most excited for?

Do you prefer to fight other creatures or sneak past them?

How did the ending make you feel?

Are you invested in the lore?

What is something you think the game could improve on?

What is your favorite thing about the game?

Have you played around with any mods for the game?

[spaceoperajay]

attempts to fix my shitty insomnia (its been better as of late)

-the good

--relaxing the body. i've acheived this through stretching & magnesium lotion (which i should start doing 30 min before a shower rather than right b4 bed as its rather oily) & edibles helps

--hold my teddy bear & have a pillow behind me to simulate having another person there when im not with my partner. lol. so much of my life is just trying to hack myself into being normal

--stop playing catchup ie "oh i got 4 hrs of sleep so i got into work late & so i stayed late to makeup and now i have less precious freetime i need to stay up late again-" no. thats stupid not falling down that well again.

--eye drops. so my cornea scratch that has not fully healed in Two Fucking Years will open up during REM sleep like enough to irritating & wake me but not enough to open & debilitate me (but i think this happening does bring me closer to open & debilitate me). i think i underestimated how much this affected me

--im generally being more conscientious of things that over-stimulate me before bed & i get over-stimulated very easily

--theres some horror audiodrama anthologies that have been helping me sleep. sounds weird (which is why im not gonna go around "oh yeah your horror stories help me sleep!", people are going to take it as an insult) but M is the similar & once said it was explained to them as having the mind engaged & given something else to worry over. in middle school to help my insomnia my therapist had my mother take away my stephen king novels i'd read before bed- which made it worse lmao

-the maybe

--the edibles help relax me but yeah i can feel how it fucks up sleep. but when i do remember my dreams i find i feel really well-rested?

--i take benavryl but im pretty sure ur not supposed to do this bivnfkjljovgjo

--got a new b12 supplement? could just be coincidental timing. like im a shitty vegan & i stop & get egg sandwiches at dunkin in the morning too often to be truly deficient.

-the potential

--have a doc appt w/ a general practitioner who recc'd i get a sleep aide so . when i made one they were like "yeah you got a blood test but never got a follow up so we need to re-do the test" vht9rjvoirj so its a bit delayed but i am gonna see her in two weeks.

--i need to get some physical books to read to limit screentime b4 bed. i want to read tlt but more than that theres some web serials i want to read. i could print them out???

--drawing should be relaxing & hopefully i will finish setting up my desk tonight. how do i not have a desk yet WFH? well i started WFH right after my accident & wasnt exactly able to set it up.

the bad

--i am not that conscientious of keeping myself away from over-stimulation

--most people seem to sleep poorly once then be able to sleep a lot the next day. me? if my body hear's that i'm only getting 2 hrs of sleep its like hell yeah!!!! 2 hrs of sleep for the whole week!!!!

--the evil glowing light has (most of) my gay lil friends

[tendercoretroglodyke]

really don't wanna go to the vet in the morning I know they're just gonna tell me it's time to put my cat down which like. I've gotten my dad some pretty bad father's day gifts in the past but THIS would probably take the cake on that one...

[andragoras-in-vanity]

well my hair colour didnt turn out so im just going to go kill myself now

[guhhhhhhhhhhh]

hey google, why the fuck did i make friends exclusively with people who are darastically smarter than me at everything?

big rant in tags, you’ve been warned

[karmawonders]

hiii, i came across your blog from someone who drew a comic for ur itto GenZ! god fic(the shakira shakira one) and i just want to say that i love you and will continue reading through out the week to avoid spam liking. also regarding you asking about travelers character profile, i checked the wiki and its confirmed to be 'the keeper is fading away yada yada' so i dont think you have to worry about isekai just yet. Hope you're sound of mind and perfectly fine!

Wksjejjekekrkd!

Thank you ! Glad to know I dont gotta triple check when crossing the street ! Gotta avoid those trucks.

Rea is literally so talented, the comics they make are so entertaining, Im always scrambling over to their blog to see if anything popped up. So nice as well, my goodness. I really recommend their content. 11/10.

Im so happy you like my stuff, I love you as well 🌸!

Its totally fine if you spam like, it honestly makes me really happy to see when people binge through my stuff! (Im planning on writing more no worries, im just focusing on my last semester for a bit before i graduate, Then imma be a writing machine!)

🌸And yeah, Genshin has been WAY nicer to me since writing for SAGAU / playing the game with that mindset. 🌸

I keep getting the same acheivements multiple times (i checked fam,) way more foods then possible from Barbara, Jean, and the others, and my artifact hunting had been significantly better when I vocalize exactly what I want.

I was actually farming for Hutao a bit ago and I said verbally “ayo Teyvat I need a crit rate headpiece and substats,” and it GAVE ME THAT! Immediately??? Except it was Lavawalker so like I should of specified 💀.

Also crits happen way more often when I acknowledge them, aksskjsns. I use my cursor to give then headpats bc (im emotionally unwell lols) and i swear that i see them smile- like d a m n. Im waiting for them to just up and talk to me at this point.

Ive lost 50/50s to Diluc like 2/3 times now? Idk. I dont even use him and honestly im feeling bad cuz i see him as one of the people who worship The Divine One way more then a lot of the other people, so its like, damn, maybe i should acknowledge the poor dude.

🌸Anyways, I hope you are doing well anon! Please remember to hydrate (dang im a hypocrite i should go do that) l

And try to get some good sleep, oki??? Stay safe friendo, its a crazy world out there.🌸

[floralkittygambler]

Semi-Return

I'm gonna be honest, I haven't the foggiest if I actually mentioned I'd be on Hiatus or if life just yoinked the rug under my mitts. Apologies for a lack of head's up - *if* anyone's still around. Below will be a contents of what this post will be about. Please feel free to skip to whichever part is to your liking. The cards are in your favour.

CONTENTS: - Reasons for Absence - Unanswered Asks/Deleted Asks When Anon Was Enabled - Hazbin/Helluva, Basically some of my thoughts on both from the time I left til now, and other hazzy shite like that - Other Hazzy thoughts incl the staff and fandom PLUS the interactions here PLUS PLUS if any of those thoughts have changed - Future of this blog

Loooong Read

REASONS FOR ABSENCE:

Honestly. Life. That's it really. Life. I'm chronically knackered. Ive got those under my care to tend to. I got a lot to sort. Etc etc. Also the drama here, as well as just... Honestly hearing about someone I saw as a friend being very young - that wouldnt normally upset me because they're a friend, but... I still worry for them. Their wellbeing. And I feel (in my personal experience - good for you if youve had better... Yer lucky feck! ;P) tumblr and twitter are some of the most toxic places sometimes, especially with the utter bs both carry. Humans are erroneous by design and we should help people be educated and grow. But that's not my experience with either site. Both fuel yes men, altered reality, bullying and misinformation as well as hate. Both preach about equality yet both are the most excluding, hateful places in my experience. Also in before the 'but YOURE a hater' - One, I critic. I'm talking about shit like death threats, false accusations, REAL shit. Real harmful shit. Either way, if you see this, I genuinely fucking care, alright? But for the love of whatever you believe in, you need to find a SAFE and POSITIVE space, Sweet- Tumblr and Twitter can be really bigoted, bias and hateful (I know, "But we here support LGBT+ etc etc" bollocks. Some of you think hating hets and cis or whatever is equality. Some of you harass trans. Equality means fucking EQUALITY. Shouldnt be hard to be remotely decent and just fucking RESPECT one another. Preach allll you fucking want about 'The Gov doesnt care and victimises us!" - and youd be right! - but you play directly into that by following into hate and finding a blame game or scapegoat regardless of the reality. Be. NICE. It's the bare minimal of being a person. We arent perfect and aint always nice but at least try to have decency and manners MOST the times. Likewise, both sides get into these lil rally wars n shit yet hold people to extremely high standards. It's silly. High standards are GREAT but perfectionism is not a realistic acheivement. Point is, dont be a shitbag to the best of your abilities. And to this particular friend, please PLEASE just get away from all this mess and focus on you and your health and identity. You have potential and I dont want to see that squandered by the toxicity of society when they think being behind wires and plastic sheets is gonna protect their shittiness. Look after yourself, ok? Im worried. Im not the best at wording shit or emotional stuff or approaching, but I do care. Please look after yourself.

UNANSWERED ASKS/DELETED ASKS FROM GOING ANON:

Tbf I didnt know going anon would delete the old asks - thanks for that lil warning tumblr... ya knobs lol. Alright I'll get to them as fast as I can but again, Ive got many duties to attend to. Luckily some I got still noted that were deleted soooo~ Sadly most were anon so whilst the original person sadly may not see, it'll at least be accessible for them. I'll apologise for promising this so much. I prefer to give a genuine answer. Give time to dedicate to those who take time to leave them. Basically, Im a sad fucker LOL Nah but it's just nice to give and share time, innit? Oh but for anything like hate, aggression, etc? Nah... Also can we stop sending people (not just for me but for everyone - Ive heard people get sent some right awful shit) threats of assault, false allegations, triggers, etc etc. Just dont mate. Im seeing a rise in online harassment in many places and it's just pathetic we've hit this stage aint it?

Hazbin/Helluva, Basically some of my thoughts on both from the time I left til now, and other hazzy shite like that:

Errr honestly? I speak mostly within a private critiques group on this stuff now. Many because we can give an instant reaction before actually mulling over thoughts, opinions, critiques, there's so much room to educate ourselves and others and it's liberating to have a voice in which folks can agree, disagree, whichever and be mature and friendly in these moments. It's an honour. Likewise, there's a verification process to ensure you're actually an adult and who you claim to be to make sure things are ran appropriately. The very few minors allowed are ones we've known for awhile and can trust to act appropriately (likewise they're instantly disabled from accessing any NSFW channels - though discussions on SpindleHorse and whatnot are appropriately labelled and censored. To sum up my thoughts briefly (I know, a fucking challenge lol), I aint a fan. Simple. More indepth of bts will be in the next section, but for the shows themselves... HB just... Eh, I like some designs but otherwise it's like Twilight - fanfic gone famous and catering to the wrong stuff. Animation errors that are pretty piss poor considering their team. Story is shit, Im sorry. But it's just shit. I wanted to learn about IMP and all that. Not some toxic fujoshi on imp x an insult of a genuine demon (x2 if you include Fizz). There's a difference between authentic rep from a good place and queerbaiting for clout, brownie points and money. And anyone can be bigoted, ignorant or toxic in ways, including to their own identities. It's just... Ive seen better. All in all, it's demonic Family Guy. Fun for mindless entertainment but stale jokes, crap music, decent-ish designs, really it's animated low-quality fanfiction to cater to an overabundance fanservice that forgets it's original purpose. Inconsistent. Just... There's better if quality matters to you in any of these areas. It's strength lies in pretty visuals. It's clear that it panders more to younger, immature, teen audiences, as well as certain toxic things (such as glorifying sexual abuse). As a worshipper, I personally find the depiction of real demons to be an insult to them, especially in use of real sigils without any skillset in usage. Viv and co SHOULD have learned this from the Alastor uproar but clearly not. More on that in the next section pertaining to Viv and co themselves. Overall, it's... Mediocre. Im not saying it's easy, but it's clearly lacking in a multitude of areas. Perhaps I'll cover these in authentic review breakdowns in the future. Perhaps not. It's overhyped for what you get. And for those saying "But numbers!!! It's doing well!" not only have numbers dipped but more importantly not everything of higher quality/passion/deserving gets there - at least not as rapidly. Look at people who constantly scam their audiences like Tana (scams, lazy, not really that entertaining unless you're young, pulls an obnoxious childish tantrum for attention), or drama fuelled people like Trisha Paytas, or even proven vile individuals like Jeffree Starr (though he IS very talented), Shane Dawson (mediocre 'documentaries'), Onision (though luckily he's getting less glory which means less kids to ruin), etc etc. Some only run a career from controversy. Some have genuine talent but not the attitude to match, etc etc. How often do we find many hidden gems or underrated glory? Exactly that! Exactly that. As for Hazbin? Eh too. Honestly I can't fucking stand Angel Dust. He's shitty, flat (in characterisation), mostly a stereotype (for BOTH the hypersexual predatory gay -aka the 1950s perspective, or the uwu cute fluffy innocent boi. He's just... Flat), not particularly interesting to me nor my cup of tea. And though absolutely none of you are actually privy to my reasonings or experiences, Ive met and currently know some nasty AD-types and suffered some shit. That's my business I'll get more into soon. TLDR; I dont like the main protagonist (ONE of the main). And no, it's nothing to do with sex work or sexuality. It's sad I even have to say that. Charlie's new design whilst better than the old design is

still kinda crap. Have little hope in Hazbin - both in success but more importantly in my personal interest of it. I'll probably still draw and cosplay and what not, but I aint a fan. Simple as really. Again Ive seen better things at the same stage. It's just massively overhyped and has a fanbase of those it claims it wasnt for - just shows how shit the marketing is. Also Sam and Raph for the official team is bad. Luckily they arent writers, but they're both very questionable. One could argue that for most staff and fans tbf but still. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Other Hazzy thoughts incl the staff and fandom PLUS the interactions here PLUS PLUS if any of those thoughts have changed:

Errrrr, right. To try to briefen shit, I dont support the staff or majority of the fandom. So fucking much hatred, hiveminded toxicity. Hell, the utter sweetheart who told me a H*skerD*st Discord was ragging on me (tbf that's online and just people for you, the thing that bothers me is this thing Im about to say plus the fact that these fans were almost encouraged to bully and harass me, that's obviously not ok. Shit talk me if it helps you and if you're healthy to yourself about it. Shit talk to mates or in private. But dont just encourage harassment, false rumours, be an onlooker to this shit or anything of that nature. That's shitty on you. Whilst I value honesty, I also acknowledge and accept people do shit talk. That's fine, we've all done it. Just dont encourage shitty things and act later to stop it nor be an onlooker to it. That's just disgusting of you) turns out in that group is a fan of HH, and a HB artist, HunterGirl (Look, you're talented, I dont like you and Im very aware that's semi-mutual, tbh I aint that big on your radar to hate, just more of a 'Oh that prick' sorta jobby. I aint got that much of an inflated ego LOL. But if you by chance see this - I know yall have me on blacklist to not talk about - but just... You're a fucking STAFF member. This isn't professional of you. Tbf, none of SH is professional imo but you need to conduct yourself better. To see the bts shit talking - if you could even call it that - is just... It's just disappointing to see you interact with fans this way and allow such shit to happen for so long. It's immature and the fact that SH FANS are getting these personal interactions with you to see this... I know they're on your side but you need to set a better example of how to conduct yourself - especially at the level of publicity you have. Ive seen so many of the SH staff and even Viv to this current day still do twatish things and bully smaller artists and whatnot. Please just set a better example of conduct and hold YOURSELF to better standards. Though - again - if in the unlikely circumstance that you see this, I do appreciate you eventually putting a stop to it. It's just moreso 1) Behaving professionally as well as an appropriate relationship with fans with clear boundaries - note to onlookers: Hunter hasnt done anything predatory to my knowledge, I just mean that interacting with fans is different than to your mates - and 2) Dont allow harassment to happen. It's fine if theres a healthy space to rant about it or be annoyed, but the harassment, bullying and outright denial some of your people had over MY traumas is utterly disrespectful and immature. I just appreciate that for the most part, those particular fans would either have me blacklisted/blocked here as well or will respect my space also).

I dont want to go into massive details but I just dont like most SH fans. Some are fucking lovely and many are amazingly talented. But many are just the reason people instantly hate something without giving it a chance. It's a self written self defeating prophecy almost. Cult-like mindset (note cult-*like*). Hiveminded with minimal difference or tolerance to individuality - no respect for that so everyone bullies one another to prove their more righteous and it's pathetic. Most fans, I just dislike. Will I hate and harass? Fuck no, never have. But Ive stood my corner. As youve seen, I dont tolerate shit. We all deserve some level of respect and if you're going to throw me under the bus over thinking differently then I'll defend myself. It's two way. None of you lot should tolerate bullying or unnecessary vitriol either. On those lines, there's also a fuckin rumour awhile back that I was a bully and bullying Viv LOL To clarify, criticism isnt bullying. And honestly? Seeing the sort Viv is, she needs tough love, less control and more flexibility to mature. She's spoilt and it shows. She ruins her own potential. If A24 give her too much say, HH will be just as corny and mediocre as HB. It's trying too hard to be BoJack and coming out more like Family Guy Hell, instead of being it's OWN thing, telling it's OWN story and what not. Viv, stop trying to fucking fit in and please everyone with your stupid ships and whatnot like YanDev with his daft Easter Eggs. Both of you bend over for the wrong sorts. Compromise with the right ones and grow a lot! Tbh my criticism's here were nicer. Why? Because I wanted her to grow and succeed. Past tense. Part of me feels if this fails, it may be that push she needs to force herself into self growth and improvement, however I'm not going to personally orchestrate that. For starts, she's great at that alone. Secondly, I'm just being a critic. Im not going out of my way to fucking bully anyone. Im far too busy for one, and secondly it's just not appropriate. I'll stand my ground and defend but that's it. If anyone - anyone - was to be my target to take down personally... It's highly unprofessional and inappropriate to mention but it'd be like someone who harms kids or animals. Not some petty Mean Girl Wannabes online. But dangerous big fry. Where I'd actually contribute to doing something to protect others. Viv and Co are just... Idk. Theyre just your classic bitchy clique at times and hide some of their incompetence's and horrible behaviours publicly yet are still mostly the same nasties they always have been. They can do better if they put in the hard work to see that and do it. If anything, they just enable one anothers bad habits. They behave cruelly. They flock together with their own sort. They're not particularly wonderful or role models but they arent bottom of the barrel. I'll say some harsh shit about them but I wont make up shit (If I spread a source that turns out false, lmk and I'll get to that! Dislike false information) and I wont encourage anyone to be a twat to others. If I find out anyone following is behaving a fool, I'll let them know to behave better. I dont like Viv. I dont like most of her staff (I like Monica, we mainly talk about her bird tbh. She's been lovely so far and her bird keeping advice is useful. See? Proof animals are the key to being better, animals just join folks. Praise animals! XD). Most of them have very bad vibes and red flags. I dont support being cunts to them either. If you wish to vocally voice distaste by all means! But never seek them out to be horrid nor send others. Just dont. I wish Spindle would behave better and genuinely grow as people but they wont - not in the current state theyre in. Self feeding cycle. Its a wasteful shame. Though... If ANYONE has read my things and gone off to bully or harass anyone, you're a fucking dolt and need to re-evaluate your conduct! Dont be a prick. Being courteous should NOT be as difficult as people online are portraying. It's shameful!

I dislike the fucking drama, hate and how vile nearly everyone involved is - from fans to staff. Really, it's unwarranted and for those claiming to add to positive rep, you're fucking ace at killing diversity within fandoms. Embrace both similarity and difference. Both are GOOD. Unless being a toxic twat is involved then very bad! And toxic as in all this bullying and shit. Not everything is or will be positive, but if hate isnt present or a warrant for war, then it can be used to improve. But what do I know, I'm just the window cleaner.

Also yes, I hate HD still. For my traumas, I - like many others online - felt pressured to justify my opposing opinion by the inclusion of my traumas. Ultimately it was still me to post those. But truthfully? No one owes you shit. If someone says something triggers or has any traumatic connection - no matter how silly seeming - just take it as is. Congrats, some people lie in life. But for those like myself who were honest, it's shit to be gruellingly transparent about our hurts. No one is entitled to that. You arent my medical team. You arent anyone who is there to assist me in my experiences. And you have absolutely NO right to dictate to me the reality of my experiences as well as their impact. I do not owe you any details of my experiences. And they are not your weapons. They arent weapons at all. Regardless, many both agreed and disagreed. But for the love of god, no one owes details for others to judge if they warrant a trigger. Just be respectful. For that period, you know what happened bts? I posted my peace on my profile. People came to me both agreeing and disagreeing. People also came to me with hatred and harassment and gaslighting. Never did I seek out others. If someone has pro-HD, I just block those tags, those people, that related stuff as best as possible. Alas, I do not need others to validate and authenticate my traumas nor do I need to be open about them to explain my reasonings to anyone. Hate it, love it, dont care. But I have my opinions and this is one of those I will not shift on for personal reasons. That's all any stranger needs to know. Agree to disagree, respect that, move on. Finally on this section. Im aware HH/HB are religious liberations for Viv. I can respect that. I understand religion isnt something that everyone can see fondly. Hell it's harmful to some via traumas and what have you. But I'll respectfully disagree on your approaches to sex positive (which comes off more fetishing and 1 dimensional than more in depth and fleshed out and varied, as well as cheating being this scandalous thrill - which cheating is shit even if the partner isnt great. Just split. Adults act like babies sometimes, and I mean that about the real world) as well as compatibility and religion/beliefs. I just ask that 1) at LEAST be respectful about Voudou (which helped black slaves feel liberation in times of severe oppression and slavery for poc) as well as 2) Look, personally basing designs on deities can be risky. But if there's 2 things I'll warn it's that you need to be careful using real sigils (make up a false one based on the original and strip it of power or something) and your versions of genuine demons are... yikes. Just fucking go full throttle on artistic liberties to make your own or... Just make your own! I'm not asking you to believe, but to know when to be respectful. Religion is portrayed as ultimate good and ultimate evil no matter what, just be more skillful at this. Dont claim to be this demonology pro when what you show proves otherwise. Make it clear to fans that these are different to the actual ones. Something. Just at least respect Voudou and be careful with real sigils. Hell even if you have to be cliche and misuse the pentagram and pentacle, it's safer. Making your own would be more useful in uniquely branding yourself safely. And research. But it feels less of liberation for something that's oppressed and hurt you and more so just petty mockery for revenge as well as unresolved other pains on your side. I dont doubt it's harmed you - but SHOW, make us feel, and breathe in that expressive liberation. Something-

Future of this blog:

I'll still haunt the shit out of you.

In less ominous terms, I'll be on-off I suppose. Less SpindleHorse focused as the drama aint worth it and I dont like most folks attached. Just most are fuelled by being a knobhead. I can name people here in my head that it's clear they gang together and intentionally bait fights whilst having paper thin, water damaged counter points themselves. CBA. That being said, it's my blog and I'll post whatever for me. If you dont take interest or want to harass, leave. If you like it, stay. But BUT if Im misinformed or ignorant or anything like that, just tell me politely. Educate me. Help me grow. We can help each other. It's not hard if you reach out peacefully and in a friendly way. Encourage growth in others. Just... Dont be a bellend.

Anyways, Im going to imagine taking a shit as I clean out the Snowminator. Why? Because he needs a clean and I dont have the fucking foggiest if I actually need the loo or if Im just bored.

[transdonaldduck]

*KICKS IN UR DOOR* I would love to hear more about ur tmnt universe stuff

okay!!! you dont gatta ask me twice. I drew these last night at 3 am and lost steam halfway through and gave up on donatello bc i wasn’t happy with any of my sketches and that’s that! forewarning: im edgy so this is edgy

the rest is under the readmore

The setting: It’s new york babey! We’re following our protagonist April O’Neil, 17 years old, as she navigates the confusing waters of high school, first jobs, and accidentally stumbling upon a mutant underworld. This samples a lot from rotmnt and 2012 bc i have no creativity

characters i’ve thought out

Irma- 18, senior, about to go to college to major in Architecture. She’s aloof but she actually cares about people deep down, she just doesn’t like to show it. She’s trying to let her natural hair color grow out from the years she dyed it black. She likes documentaries, chess, hanging out at graveyeards, and writing horror short stories. Seems sorta doom n gloom but is more apathetic than negative. She’s the president of the journalism club (who runs the school newspaper and morning news segment.) She’s looking for someone to take over the club after she’s gone, and has the perfect candidate in mind… if only April had the skill to match her enthusiasm.

April O’Neil- 17, junior, and aspiring journalist and reporter. She’s upbeat, determined, confident, and a real bright spot ot the people that know her. Her favorite things to do are listen to music, sing, take pictures, and take walks in the sun. She’s a go-getting, very self driver to acheive her goals, and her ultimate goal is to be the greatest reporter that has ever lived. Unfortunately, april doesn’t have the knack for reporting, and every piece she’s submitted to her schools newpaper has been fluff pieces… Irma tasks her with writing a front page headliner for the paper so she feels confident passing the club onto her, and in Aprils attempt to come up with the greatest story ever, she sutmbles upon a gang war and 4 mutant turtles…

Casey Jones- 18, Junior, and barely passing. Casey’s the kind of boy no one really expects anything of, so he doesn’t bother trying bc at least then he won’t fail. April inspires him to be better. He likes bad jokes, terrible coffee, and hockey- he’s hoping that April will tutor him enough to be able to bring his grades up enough to be allowed back on the school’s team. He seems sorta prickly and rude at first, but he’s just got a spiky outer shell and he’s really sweet inside. He loves horror movies and extreme sports competitons. He makes a point to walk april home whenever she stays late working on school stuff,

turtle time

the setting: They still live in the sewers, Splinter is still their dad but he’s very old when he gets the turtles, making him even older now. He does a lot of meditating and watching tv and doing crosswords, yknow old people stuff. He relies a lot on Leo to be the head of the house now that he’s old enough. He still trains the boys to learn martial arts bc he thinks it’s important they can defend themselves, considering what they are. He can kick ass when he needs to, tho

leo- 19, red ear slider, silent and stoic leader, raised as a child to be responisble for his brothers. He’s pretty socially awkward and weird bc he was divided from his brothers at a young age and didn’t get a lot of chances to grow and play with other kids his age. He doesn’t do much outside of train, study, and chores, and April is appaled by the fact that he doesn’t have like, ANY hobbies. she takes it upon herself as a personal mission to find something for him to do. He doesnt know the meaning of the word fun, but he tries not to always be a stick in the mud (mostly by removing himself from the fun situation in a misguided attempt to make everyone happier…)

raph- 18, Snapping turtle, and he’s got a short fuse and a big appetite. He’s a bit resentful of his families situation stuck in the sewers and darkness, and he hates being looked down upon. He’s only rebellious bc of how confined and trapped he feels, and though he can act like a grump and lash out he has a heart of gold. He likes wood carving, it’s actually how he made his little sun pendant he wears, it’s something to remind him the sun will rise soon and he’ll be there to see it.

donatello- 17, softshell turtle, bookworm and tech wizard. he likes to read for fun and he’s super into mechanics and computers. smarter than his brothers but thinks WAY too much, often holes up in his lab for hours trying to work out some particularly tough programming problem and will only come out for tea or pizza. he can be snooty/superior in situations where his intellect can be flashed. the worst ninja of the bunch (he thinks more with his head than with his body and never practices)

mikey- 15, box turtle, goofy gooey heartfelt younger brother. He cant draw for shit but still tries because he thinks it’s fun. He’s good at writing and poetry, he likes words and keeps a daily diary he writes in every day. He also keeps a dream journal and a log on all the tunnels in the sewers they’ve explored. He like to keep notes. Comic books are his favorite reading material but he’s picky about the art styles he enjoys, and he is very naturally talented with anything physical. good at easing tension but has 0 common sense, just a round angel

Leo is the shortest and lightest, agile and quick. Mikey is second shortest but he’s fat, which doesn’t detract from his natural flexibility. Raph is second tallest and broad shouldered with big arms, a powerhouse. Donnie is tall and lanky, a little uncoordinated but still strong.

[emotions-ew]

okay so i have a theory on expectations, based entirely on my Subway Surfers gameplay....

iit’s really not that deep

basically playing subway surfers is something i do exclusively for fun. when im bored, but don’t want to go to sleep yet, I’ll lie awake at night and play a few (too many) rounds of subway surfers. so, my high-score on the game is pretty high. like, 700′000, which I’m like weirdly proud of. 

so, when i first startd playing subway surfers, like first downloaded the app, my average score was probably somehwere around like 5-10′000, and if i made a mistake and got a score like 2′000, I’d be super stoked by that. but, if i got a score that was mayb 100-200, like didn’t even make it to 1000, I’d be dissapointed. So, at the very beginning, my expectations of myself were low, and it was hard to fall short of that.

as i have gotten better, i adjusted my goals. now, my average run is probably about 80-200′000 (i realise thats a huge margin but whatever), and if i only make it to 10′000 i get super disappointed, but not in a self hating or negative way, just something in my mind that says, “I know i could have done better than that, and next time i won’t make that mistake”.

My whole life I’ve had these really specific but also unspecified expectations of myself. Like, i never stated to myself “this is our goal”, but I would feel it, internally, when i somehow failed to reach a goal. Be it academically or athletically. I’ve also had a lot of people in my life who had really strong expectations for me, and those were sometimes specified and sometimes implied, but it was always made clear when i fell short of them. usually loudly, sometimes physically, when i was younger. 

So, i came to equate expecatations with a negative feeling of failure. But, recently, through subway surfers i’ve been learning that the reason for that was because those expectations were never based in reality. It wasn’t fair of my parents to expect me to acheive straight a’s, when i had never demonstrated that that was something i was capable of. And it wasn’t fair of me to be mad at myself for losing an important race when the girl who beat me was a better athlete. Expectations don’t have to be bad, that’s my theory. 

It’s okay for me to expect myself to be able to make 100′000 in a run on subway surfers, because I know that i am capable of making it to 700′000 and i know that i’ve made it to 100′000 like over a hundred times before. And it’s okay for me to be dissapointed in myself for only making it to 2000 now, because i know what i am capable of, and it’s not about holding myself to an impossible standard, it’s about pushing myself to maintain the standard I’ve set, for myself. 

i don’t know if any of that really made sense but its been pinging around inside of my brain for a while, and i wanted to try and express it in some way. anyways, i get that subway surfers is absolutely not that deep but I’m excited to apply this theory in other areas of my life, and start practicing making expectations into a positive thing in my life instead of something that makes me mad and anxious. 

[soulmvtes]

hi dear i have nobody i feel safe about renting to but you came to my mind. I hope you‘re doing good and you and your loved one‘s are safe and healthy. Everything feels so difficult for me right now and i can’t think of a thing to feel a little more alive in this world. A little more like I have purpose and truly am alive. I can’t seem to rest and I can‘t seem to be “happy” for any longer than the moment something good happens... thank you for reading this. much mich love to you. -🦢

i'm so sorry that i have just seen this now my love :( i'm also sorry that you don't feel safe to vent to anyone, but i'm glad you came to me ♡ i hope YOU and YOUR loved ones are also healthy bby. i'm so sorry you feel like that, its a horrible feeling and ive felt like that before. i'm unsure of your situation but if its reached that severity i feel as though youre feeling quite helpless atm & my advice rn would be to take it as easy as you can and take care of yourself. i know it can be hard when you just don't see a point but im so proud of u for keeping going even while you feel like this. try and eat and drink well, shower, communicate w ur loved ones as much as you can so you don't feel completely alone and isolated bc that makes iy so much worse. remember to celebrate your small acheivements. but most importantly think about what is keeping u here and how important they are. i know you might not believe it rn but you can get help and you will feel better. im not going to be stupid and say something like youre gonna magically be okay bc in reality, its not like that. but you CAN learn ways to cope with things and find joy in life again. people love you and are quite right to. even if you feel like they don't rn, i promise you'll find people who will. i'd tell you to dm me so we can talk properly but i'm guessing you might not want to since you sent an anon but in case you do feel safe and comfortable to be able to, pls dm me!!

[starkillersbae]

I don’t even know what I want to say anymore. I feel like I’m just trying to keep moving, keep busy, keep making progress without ever pausing or thinking.  Because the moment I stop I realize it’s still not enough, theres always more left undone just to stay afloat. I feel like im dying all the time. my heart wont stop skipping beats, even when I think I’m calm and it’s okay to catch my breath my heart races or stutters in my chest. It always feels like I’m dying.  Is it a panic attack, is it a heart condition, caffeine? Who knows. I don’t.  God I wish it was a heart condition, I wish I’d end up crippled or dead through no fault but some failure of genetics. I don’t know how else to get out. I’ll work until I’m dead and have never acheived anything. I feel my 20s slipping away and for what? My 30s will be just as unfulfilled and empty. Because thats the crux of it, my life is empty and unfulfilled and nothing ever makes it better. I just struggle to stay above water. 

I finally talked to a therapist, I reached out, I tried to get help, because I thought one more time that if I just do what I’m supposed to and get help that I might finally break the cycle and get free. But I’m just an animal scrambling at a cage ripping out my own claws trying to break free of the cycle.  The psych ward was hell that forgot me and abandoned me. They apologized only after I drug them through the mud, and got me a psychiatrist. But.... what was the point? We talked for an hour and went in circles.  My problem is that i’m an absolute fuck up. I can’t get through a fucking degree program at a shit hole midwestern community college and hold down a job at the same time. I can’t manage to get myself together enough to really grow up and hold it together.  What do you tell someone who is drowning? Just keep treading water? For what, there’s no land in sight and I don’t know the way. It’s open water. I need a boat, i need a life raft.  You can’t talk to me about swimming techniques and how nice a dip in the pond is when I’m drowning and can’t escape. 

Because that was all it came down to. I’m stressed because I can’t get a better job. I can’t go to school because every time I go I end up in a melt down flunking out. I can’t live a better life than miserable drudgery because I spent my teen years wanting to be dead and dropped through the cracks. 

No matter how hard I fight it’s never enough, it’s never been enough. 

Every step I take forward I get beat back two more steps. It’s never enough. 

I’m too ugly, too stupid, too old, and I can’t fucking get it together enough to find some sort of meaning worth living for. 

because thats all my life is isn’t it? Waking up, trying to earn enough to buy my next meal and never able to just fucking stop. my life is meaningless and empty. too fucking ugly for love. too fucking poor for anything but drudgery. too fucked up to try and make it out. 

[sunnie-moved]

🌻fifty questions tag🌻

1. What takes up too much of your time?

— this hellsite....and currently documentaries!! i just watched this one called “Blackfish” i recommend it, but it’s not for the faint of heart. it’s very sad, it’s about SeaWorld

2. What makes your day better?

— the girl i like!! she’s really sweet and talking to her always makesmy day brighter! and also my friends!

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

— the girl i like asked me out on a date !!!

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

— omg!!!! the spirit world in atla/tlok!!! or just anywhere in that universe tobe honest!!!

5. Are you good at giving advice?

— it depends on the situation, to be honest

6. Do you have a mental illness?

— i have diagnosed depression and anxiety, and my therapist talked abt bpd but we haven’t dived into it yet

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

— no, knock on wood!

8. What musician(s) inspired you the most?

—  hozier, declan mckenna, taemin, hayley kiyoko, troye sivan, and jonghyun

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

— yes

10. What’s your dream date?

— i’ve always wanted to go to this one cafe in town thats inspired about this one classical musician and !! i’m going there sometime after the girl i like comes back from florida! i’m so excited like !!

11. What do others notice about you?

— my chest tbh, or my tooth gap. i also have a cute lil mole under my eye/above my cheek

12. What’s an annoying habit you have?

— i tend to leave things lay around, i’ve been working on it but ahhhh . 

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

— yes, she hurt me but she’s still important to me platonically

14. How many exes do you have?

— 3 if u count actual relationships where we saw each other irl (and knew each other irl) 5 if not that

15. How many songs are in you playlist?

— like 3000, i like a lot of insturments

16. What instruments can you play?

— piano and recorder. the girl i like is trying to teach me trumpet tho (i’m bad at it omg)

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

— taemin, probably

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

— all around the world to be honest. i’d love to visit spain, thailand, norway, both koreas, china, and mexico.

19. What’s your zodiac?

— aquarius

20. Do you relate to it?

— yeahhhh

21. What is happiness to you?

— acheiving what i set my mind to, being surrounded by the people i love and the people that support me

22. Are you going through anything right now?

— a major custody battle w my family; a depressive episode; lots of stress and money struggles; friend changes/drama

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

— letting people control what i do and how i do things (they aren’t my guardians*); not waiting to have sex

24. What’s your favorite store?

— any  book one, to be honest

25. What’s your opinion on abortions?

— a woman/person born w a vagina can do whatever she wants to her body and i don’t think anyone else should really have a say in it

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

— a mental one of sorts

27. Do you have a favorite album?

— i have many, but one of my All Time faves is Hozier by Hozier

28. What do you want for your birthday?

— money, if not that then: watercolor, bracelet string, journals, cute clothes

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you?

— apparently i’m intimidating?? i don’t try to be!! i try to come off as approachable as possible but ahhahhhhh :/

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

— 18ish

31. Where do you keep your phone when you sleep?

— on the little stand i have beside my bed (plugged in and charging ofc)

32. What word do you say the most?

— valid; mood; estoy cansada; i love you; fuck/damn/shit

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

— 18

34. What’s the youngest you would date?

— 15

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

— something to do with languages or helping people/animals

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

— alternative, rock, indie

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

— Canada or Norway

38. What’s your current favorite song?

— i want to hold your hand by the beatles; say say say by paul mcartney and mj; replay 0127 by nct

39. How long have you had this blog?

— since dec30 so 3 months almost 4

40. What are you excited for?

— gonna do volleyball this summer!! i’m excited for that!! and also my date uwu

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

— talker gd i never shut the hell up

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

— cleaned my room, bought things for my health, showered/etc

43. What do you want for Christmas?

— money; if not that then: keyboard, probs taemin’s newest album bc i still don’t own it

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

— spanish

45. On a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling right now?

— if one is best and ten is worst, im a solid 3

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

— something with linguistics; maybe a teacher

47. When did you experience your first heartbreak?

— december 10 2018 if youre talking romance wise

48. What age do you want to get married?

— i don’t really want to get married but maybe like my 30s if i choose to??

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

— lawyer

50. What do you crave right now?

— i really want to cuddle w the girl i like and binge disney movies:(((

thank you @bfjeno​ for tagging me!! i miss you cj ahh ily ☀️

i tag: @haojuns ​ 🌻 @tanniel ​ 🌻 @rebeljae ​ 🌻 @lovwonho ​ 🌻 @sassmastermeg ​ 🌻 @babieken ​ 🌻 @coffeeshopgay ​ || do not feel forced to do it my loves, this was only for funsies! ☀️

[yamiffer]

The weirdest dream just happened with me. Ive been totally bummed out with my final’s result for my statistics exam. I got a fucking 22.5/40 despite having studied so througly and my exam going so well. I didnt even go to uni like an idiot and missed the chance to see the fuckery i did in my paper. I still managed to get a B overall due to my mids and internals but im still,,,so broken over this. I feel the same shit i felt studying in A levels. Trying my damn fuckinf hardest for a math based subject and still not being enough.

So in my dream from what i vaguely remember, im still really irked about this fiasco. And my own voice in my head asks me why. And i said to myself its cause despite all that reading and studying, i still dont understand this subject. The other voice in my head then told me that just because i didnt get high grades in a final exam doesnt mean i dont understand and cant apply stats in my research.

And that’s when this ephiphany hits me, that im fucking pissed about this because ive set this standard up so high for myself and that ive literally placed all my fucking self worth in this stupid paper despite understanding concepts of stats better than my classmates. But the paper is making me feel like i dont know anytjing even tho!!! Thats not true!!! Even though if it came to research id be able to handle the stats part better than my classmates even!!!

Its just that i sometimes forget that the requirement of a strict paper never equals to the application in the real world. And i literally regressed into this poisonous mentality ive been fed all my life that grades equal my self worth. I was sniffing the highs of As and it was literally lifting me up for the inevitable smack on the concrete. I just need to talk to a teacher about this soon because ive become completely acheivement focused. Its karma too as much as it pains my ego to admit because i was lowkey feeling satisfaction from winning over people in this scramble for grades. I need to back off from this rat race.