#but the video quality of this is *great*. that one guy has a nice ass and I can fully appreciate it thanks to the 1080p rip that I found

[running-in-the-dark]

I am now watching Baa Baa Black Sheep/Black Sheep Squadron.

the things you do when you like a silly old man...

[sketchfanda]

Moxxie Love Lore:The Skullfuck Prod. Crew

Left to Right:The Entourage, bodyguard duo Hellhound titaness Sierra and fallen Valkyrie Helga (of jollyjack fame), secretary Hellcat Denise, the flaming skullheaded Enigma bossman himself, his personal assistant the Gorgon Daria and chief camera girl imp Miki. The finest handpicked assembly of denizens within Hell that an Enigma could ever ask for. Do their jobs damn good and keep the studio running smoohtly. You see them rollin', don't be hatin'.

There is much to delve into in regards to the Enigma demon known as Mr.Sketch when it comes to his origins especially but that's not proper without needing to cover his fellow brethren. What is known of course is that he made his way up from literally nothing in the deepest parts of lust to rise to fame and infamy alike as one of it not the most successful porn producers in all of Hell. His reading and film material not only having the personal seal of approval from Ozzie himself but is notable for making high sales in all Circles as well as even the living world and Heaven somehow and with good reason.

It goes without saying that the key to success in his work ranging from smut stories and comics to videos in shorts and feature length format has been down to a few notable traits. For example he's shown to avoid and have outright stated an absolute loathing of any atypical porn cliches he considers unoriginal, overdone and just overexposed. This has included BBC and cuckolding/ntr/cheating stories targetted towards happy marriages and relationships as well as within the furry fandom aspect of Stallions and Bulls in much the same. Instead the flaming skullheaded enigma's work has been known for emphasising focus on what he considers women genuinely want and enjoy most....real legit nice guys.

Adorkable underdogs, meathead himbos with teddy bear quality hearts, the sort of guys who make for great brothers, dads, boyfriends and husbands alike and just happen to be well endowed and absolute unit machines in bed. The real sort that women want and any guys with sense want to be, who manage to get women without even trying. It just so happens they reel them in simply by virtue of being sincere, kind and chivalrous to a point that it's small wonder the Enigma considers having such as a must on his talent roster. But of course speaking of talent, what's a studio like his without an efficient crew of staff and talent alike to keep it running like a well oiled machine.

Behind evert great man is a great woman but for the flaming skullheaded smut maker, he's got 5 of them who he knows got his back. An ensemble of misfits from the reaches of Hell and in the case of one of them, even Heaven itself, all having been selected by Sketch himself when it comes to doing their jobs and doing them well. They keep him in good spirits which in turn keeps his studio running its operations with efficiency and professionalsm. And he wouldn't trade them for anything.

Firstly there is the bodyguard duo, the titanic hellhound she-wolf Sierra and the former Valkyrie Helga, both had done their share of work in their boss' skin flicks but he personally felt their real talents were best served in kicking ass and taking names. While he's no weakling on the power scale himself, he personally feels far safer knowing this duo are keeping watch over him. A real contrast in terms of personality to one another with Sierra being more snarky, wisecracking and aggressive while Helga is more a Silent Bob type, speaking rarely if ever at all unless she wants or has to. Differences aside, they're an effective pair more so given one is a Hellborn demon and the other was an ex-Valkyrie from heaven.

Nobody is quite sure what caused Helga to wind up in Hell or the how and why she went from being a Valkyrie of Heaven to getting kicked out but it doesn't reallt bother her. Far as she's concerned, she's fine where she is and considers Sierra a helluva friend to have though it helps they'd known one another even before they'd signed up to Skullfuck productions. Rumours abound the two are possibly lovers or at the least share a friends with benefit sort of relationship which they've neither confirmed or denied. Certainly makes for great chemistry together.

Next is Mr.Sketch's secretary Felicity, a shortstack Hellcat who is a single mom and oddly quite wholesome for a native of the chaotic inferno. Some just figure she just has that natural maternal instinct which is part and parcel in being the key reason her boss had hired her in the first place. Seeing her sweet face on the way to meet him in his office is often found to be the best way to put others at ease unless of course she is wearing the notorious neutral face of disappointment in which case they know they're pretty much fucked. But besides that, she's always seen on hand taking her boss' calls and always has a snack or two on hand to share be it donuts or some baked goods she made at home with her kids, all with a little tender loving care.

When it comes to personal assistants, the gorgon Daria is considered ideal enough to be the blue print with her level headed directness and deadpan snark making a good balance to her creative flow impulse lead boss. Much like Sierra and Helga, she’d started from the ground up on making her way through the studio ranks as an intern whose body of work spoke for itself. Her cool stoic sexiness giving her a charismatic aura that made her one of the studio’s finest stars before she opted to move to the business side of things which showed her sharp professionalism that earned her a place at Mr.Sketch’s side and while rumours abound on how close they are intimately, she has neither confirmed or denied but if one were to look close, their body language speaks volumes. Her shades aren’t necessary to prevent her petrifying gaze but they do add to her image and her snakes’ venom is said to have many distinct effects on those they bite.

But of course to Mr.Sketch, one of the essential tools in his studio when it comes to filming and photo shoots is the cameras and nobody knows how to handle and work them better than the imp known as Miki. From capturing all the right angles and best shots for scenes of intimacy to even making a random amateur scene caught in the heat of the Moment seem cinematographic, this spunky shortstack has lenses focused and razor sharp as a hawk and maintains her craft even when faced with so much eroticism. This also shows in the stroke she’s personally designed for the posters and covers for the dvds and Blu-ray and it’s said that her social media accounts with her personal art snd photography are what brought her to Mr.Sketch’s attention and has seen even praise among the elites of Hell’s high society in spite of the views and opinions most normally have towards imps like her. But to Mr,Sketch there is nobody finer he’d want working and handling his cameras and for Miki, her loyalty to her boss is matched by her dedication to her craft….

Together these 5 misfit ladies make up the finest entourage a smut peddling Enigma could ever ask and when it comes to keeping Skullfuck productions up and running, it’s all I’m good hands. They’ve seen many a star and employee come and go through the studio grounds’ doors and that’s not changing anytime soon especially when their boss finds a new potential talent to sign on board. They certainly have to say, the recent arrival of newcomer of Mysterious M has really brought a spark of creative fire to their employer that he hasn’t had in a whole, easing any worries he might’ve been getting stuck in a rut. And if You were to ask Daria, it was rather adorable…and sexy…

with the exception of Helga, during excursions to Earth for shoots, Mr.Sketch and the rest of the entourage are able to assume human disguises if need be in addition to invisibility spells for stealth cloaking. Which comes in handy for capturing amateur snoop shots in secret that would make any paparazzo green with envy. Not that Mr.Sketch gives a flying fuck what they think!! Get in his level bitch!!

[thesnazzysharky]

Analyzing and reviewing some more stuff in the SOUP update for SJSM

So, in my last post talking about the SOUP update, I missed out on some things that I want to comment on. Obviously this won't be as long as my previous post, but I hope you enjoy regardless.

Miscellaneous Stuff

The funny red gummy worm mfs have 3d models now and judging from this still screenshot they'll actually move like worms. I really dig this change because not only will it make the pink and yellow room more surreal when you step into it, but it also makes it more clear that the worms are... well, worms, since that wasn't really made obvious in the original version where they were just 2d red lines moving across the floor. Very nice.

The bones that we see throughout the mansion will also be getting 3d models. A small but very great improvement. Always thought it was a bit lame and odd that the bones were 2d images. Especially since the skeleton of the Romantic Victim was a 3d model. Now all of them are 3d and will add to the atmosphere instead of looking out of place.

And there's this pic of Ringu showing her sharp teeth. Not much to say other than it looks cool.

Before we move on, I just want to talk about Beef Demon's redesign again. In the last post I kinda dunked on the dude, but after seeing him move around a bit and realizing he doesn't look as skinny as I originally thought thanks to that little showcase video Hoolopee posted on Twitter, I think he actually looks pretty cool and unnerving. I especially like the texture on him. It kinda makes him look like he's made out of meat, something I think the original model should have implied more. I think I'll start to prefer this model to the older once I get used to it. I think Jenbobby explained it best. The trailer just did my boy dirty.

Specimen 9

So, another design that I'm a bit mixed on. My guy do be looking like a cranky ass old man who just got woken up from his nap, but on the other hand, I do like how they lean more into the "disembodied head made out of clay" aspect. He actually looks like he's made out of clay here, which is pretty cool.

But, he just looks a bit odd to me and isn't as creepy as the original model in my opinion. I feel like the neck plays a factor into this as well as it looks a bit too long. Decent model I suppose, just think this one will take some getting used to.

As for his boss form, the redesign here is... decent. I think he is too brightly colored and his head and jaw looks odd which makes him look less creepy to me, but it's a solid model.

Specimen 13

Originally I thought Specimen 13's model wasn't changed at all, but they actually did alter it a bit. Her hair is now slightly shorter and has changed a bit in appearance. Her fish body has went from blue to a more teal looking color and the end of her tail is a more triangular shape rather than looking like a typical fish tail. It also seems like compared to her original model, her breasts got a bit of a buff... nice so have fun with that.

Anyways, I do like this model, but I think the textures could've been done better. Comparing the models, her hair and the scales on her fish half look lower quality on the new model, which is odd. I also don't like how the end of her tail went from resembling the tail of a fish to... I don't even know what it's supposed to be anymore. Again, the model is pretty great, but it unfortunately gets brought down by the textures and tail.

Specimen 7

Wow... now this... this is a glow up. I already enjoyed Specimen 7's design before, but holy shit, this is amazing. The faces look like they're in more agony than ever, overall detail has been improved, and it looks more scarier overall. I don't know what else to add other than that this redesign is similar to how Spooper's redesign was handled. Do exactly what you did before... but just better. Move over Old Specimen 10 Eel Thing, because THIS is EASILY the best redesign from this update hands down. Specimen 7 fans are eating 100%.

Anyways, that's about it really. Not much else to say other than although it seems to be pretty controversial so far, I'll be gladly waiting for the SOUP update despite its faults I'll never forgive them for what they did to Bab though.

One more thing though...

You're telling me the mf behind the redesigns in this update is the same mf behind this? A-am I the only one shocked?

[are-we-really-doing-this]

In general, I think, wrestling is good to rare pairs. Usually the two people with chemistry and a history have at LEAST had a match together. That's what's great about wrestling, the world is all very incestuous so to speak, it's about who you know and who you can find a way to get booked with, runs gotta line up, scheduling and injury you gotta dance around but if your pair is in the business for long enough you can get lucky. It happens. Bookers can be real quick to jump at opportunities and there is a good chance you will EVENTUALLY get a match. Quality and length is up in the air. This is not always the case, of course. Samoa Joe and John Cena, for instance. The thing about JoeCena that burns my ass the most is that they have been snuffed, by my count, at least 3 separate times.

At one point in 2001, Joe was the UPW champ and good ol Prototype was the number one contender. It didn't get booked because contracts were buhhhhh and Rick Bassman was euhhhhh and John might've been bodybuilding or some shit. Whatever. Whatever. Pft.

2001-2003. Joe periodically fucks off to be a gaijin in Zero-1 and get shitfaced on someone else's dime leaving destroyed hotel rooms in his wake, wooooo les fucking go. Or maybe not. Everything was lined up for John to join them but contracts were once again buhhhhhhh and OVW was like euhhhhhh. Whatever. I literally don't care (I do).

WWE. Joe wrestled his ass off when he got that contract (I count 81 matches in 2015 alone and bitches wanna wonder why he took a break for his health) but couldn't get a good push that third or fourth time around to save his life for various medical and bureaucratic reasons and I also suspect you know who. They had two singles matches on back to back house shows and a couple uninspired tag matches with minimal contact. John Cena was at that point John Cena so you know. Whatever. I'm cool guys, I'm cool.

What the hell am I saying. Well. They got started at the same wrestling school, they've sparred and run drills together, they've rolled around in the ring, they've shared many opponents and out of ring moments, Joe has invited John to the family cookouts, he has even witnessed some of the first thuganomics freestyles during road trips (and very likely video taped at least one but that WMA link is dead in a fucking ditch), John even bought one of Joe's t shirts. "The champ is here", they share that, the shaka sign, they share that, the funky little dance before an elbow drop, they share that, the legendary feuds with Punk, they share that. I need them to FUCK, and I cannot DO that without looking like a maniac unless they have a fucking feud. Every, single, time I watch the Howard Stern clip and hear "280, nice smile" and Cena won't shut up about how he's an ass man the crackhead that lives in my brain runs around screaming "JOE JOE JOE" and my ears ring and my vision goes white like a flashbang went off four inches up my nose. It's fucked.

[alicepao13]

Hudson and Rex S04E09 - Impawster Syndrome - Part B

I'd love to know how she was planning on fighting them off with a shaving razor.

Charlie is surprised because he was probably expecting a boyfriend.

What exactly are you fighting about, children? The level of Jesse's nerdiness? Nerds can have girlfriends, you know.

Joe: "Rex found a girlfriend in your apartment."

Charlie: "Am I the only one who's still single?"

"Is questioning new girlfriends standard procedure or something?" It should be in this place. It really should be.

lol I'd forgotten the video of fake!Jesse punching someone.

It's a great day for justice.

"But do we really need to make an arrest before we question him?" Um, we just did? Do you want to do it yourself, is that it?

You cannot possibly think it's a good idea for Jesse to be questioned by his own team, Charlie. Anyway, he's out of his mind with worry and I like it.

"Okay, but if the media learns that IA is investigating, they're gonna take that as an admission of Jesse's guilt!" So, the proposed solution is to not let them do their jobs?

Rex just snuck into holding.

Man, they really should have thrown your snarky ass to IA.

The funny thing is that in this season Charlie does do a few things for which he deserves to get yelled at. That's definitely not one of them.

Okay, so your job is to be the tech specialist (or whatever title). You are aware of the new technology known as deepfake, and since you know that it's not you in the CCTV footage, how do you wait for a second video to emerge to think that it might be a deepfake? It should have come up even as an outlandish theory.

Jesse: "I can explain but I need my computer." Charlie: "Sorry, but I already had a criminal fool me like that. Not again." End of episode.

I died.

"I heard there are even programs now that can fake a person's voice." Well, you guys are really good at predicting your future. I'm not talking about the Charlie/Rex mashup, although I'm sure that must be somewhere out there as well.

Aw, Rex is barking because he doesn't want Jesse to be sent down to the holding cell again.

Diesel's head is huge lol

It's one more police cover-up. And you know what? It's not, obviously, but Jesse has received preferential treatment in this case, they even more or less admit it, and what gets me is that he is whining on top of that about how his friends have treated him.

Livestreaming and uploading a live video would have showed as different in most social media platforms. Unless you had, like, put the camera in front of the video that was already playing in another screen or something, which would in most cases result in poor audio and video quality, making it obvious that it wasn't live.

You can say that the guy was abusive, people.

And an actual peeping tom. Always, ALWAYS make sure you camera is covered when you don't use it.

Well, now you can do whatever you want.

"I'm not gonna eat healthy!" lol Jesse. But that donut looks nice.

Rex, you could have nibbled on the guy a little. For Jesse.

Charlie shoved him a bit. That's fair.

"Her Majesty's Penitentiary"? Jeez.

Uh-oh.

Okay, I'm having a hard time believing that SWAT would be deployed for a domestic dispute in Canada, even if there was a distressed call from a woman.

SWAT consistently is made to look pretty bad on this show lol

"We're totally surrounded." You don't say.

"We're not gonna let anything happen to you, okay?" How will you guarantee that, Charlie?

Oh god, he was framed and you guys were doing your jobs!

I'd have told him to stay put, actually. I don't know what protocol SWAT follows, but in all these cases you try to de-escalate the situation, not escalate it. And you need a negotiator.

lmao are you for real?

"I'm not letting you shoot Jesse! I don't know what the fuck the humans are doing!"

Jesse could use a hug, you emotionally stunted people (affectionate).

I mean, financial motivation to ruin someone's life, I get. But this is pure revenge because you sucked at poker? Don't gamble.

You know, believing him or not, it shouldn't have made much of a difference on how you handled your job.

Okay, sap.

I love this.

Wait, is Charlie wearing the same jacket he will wear in S04E14 for the undercover thing? Or am I tripping?

"Rex knows all my tells." Rex knows everybody's tells. I just don't know how he's playing poker. And winning.

Generally, Jesse's attitude frustrated me in this episode. And the team's up to a degree. When I rewatched this with my sister (who couldn't care less for these characters so I consider her a more impartial viewer), she couldn't understand why his behavior during the investigation was even a tiny bit justified and reasoned with in the end. From the team's part, I think some of this has to do with the fact that Jesse is part of the team and they care for him, so of course by the end they would apologize. But the thing is that they've done nothing wrong, they're just in an impossible situation.

And I don't know why Charlie apologizes for not believing him, it was pretty clear up to a point that he was merely entertaining thoughts of how Jesse could be involved in this but purely theoretically and as the evidence against Jesse started piling up, he grew more and more concerned for Jesse, not certain of his guilt. At no point did they show any of the team believing that Jesse might have done this, which, had it happened, would have actually made me side with Jesse. Instead, he comes off as a person who expects preferential treatment because "they know him". Some of which he gets, without the team breaking any major rules, at least. Just the fact that they look for another explanation once they find the weapon of the robbery at his house, when that usually provides an airtight case to hand to the Crown, says a lot. Which is sort of the right thing to do when you know that this person can't be that dumb, but it's still based on the fact that you know them.

Jesse is redeemed for me at the end because he stands his ground. Which is a different thing altogether but I still liked it. It's not exactly a case that told me "You know what? This guy should make detective in a year" but that's just me.

[manicpixxiedreambitch]

Qualities that make a guy attractive, a mini list/essay/guide written by a bisexual girl who has had enough.

I am sick and tired of straight dudes doing the bare minimum and then getting confused/upset when no girl wants to date him or stay with him. Like literally talk to any woman and ask her what she looks for in a guy. There are so many easy things a guy can do to make himself more attractive to girls.

So, without further ado, I give you a list of things a “dream guy” does that you can try doing to impress women before complaining about how you have no rizz.

Keep a good appearance. That’s like…almost the bare minimum. You don’t HAVE to be Christian Bale to be attractive. Hell, a lot of the celebrity guys girls find attractive are average looking guys (like David Tennant, Tom Holland, etc) who just take care of themselves. They shave, they wear clothes that look nice on them, they make sure to have a good haircut, they brush their teeth, they shower often and keep good hygiene and use a face wash that isn’t literal dish soap. And being broke is no excuse for this one. There a girls out here keeping good hygiene and looking great using things from Dollar Tree and thrift stores.

Get hobbies that aren’t just video games. I’m not here shitting on guys who play video games at all, but if video games are your ONLY hobby, please for the love of humanity branch out. You don’t even have to be into sports. It’s 2024. Poetic guys, guys who can sew, artsy guys, authors, nature lovers, animal lovers, photographers, history buffs, hell, even guys who simply have a social life and know their way around are attractive. You can’t just sit on your crusty ass all the time and ignore your girlfriend while playing video games. That’s the bare minimum. At least invite her to play with you. If she sucks at video games, help her out and give her encouragement. Include her, damnit!

Consider her feelings and emotions and listens to her. Again, bare minimum. If she explains to you she doesn’t like something or she expresses that something that is going on is giving her negative emotions, FUCKING LISTEN TO HER. Don’t brush it off!!!! Don’t say she’s just “on her period”. It makes her feel like shit when you dont make sure she’s happy.

Respect her boundaries. Literally, you’re not five, no means no, if she tells you she is uncomfortable with something don’t do it.

Do nice things for her. Surprise her, take her out on dates, cuddle with her and try to be thoughtful. Once again, bare minimum. If you see a piece of jewelry you think she’d like and you can afford it, get it. Learn her favorite song and sing it to her. Save up some money on the side and surprise her with a night out. Learn to cook and make a nice meal for the two of you with some romantic ambience like candles and music. This is not expensive either. Candles at dollar tree are cheap. Get a Spotify account and make a romantic playlist, or go get a CD or record and put it on. Dance with her. Get her some flowers (or grow them yourself!). Write her a love letter. Take her for a bike ride. Surprise her with tickets to see that movie that she expressed interest in last week. Annotate a book or a poem just for her, and circle words and letters to make a cute little note for her. Go stargazing. Put together a picnic. Say nice things to her and be romantic. Don’t be scared to be a “simp”. If a girl rejects you for “being a simp” trust me, there is another girl out there that would appreciate it and be just as amazing to you. Love her openly.

Show interest in her interests. Don’t shut her down when she is talking about something she is passionate about. If she is obsessed with a book or a show, offer to watch it with her or ask if you can read it. Ask questions. Research what she is interested in. Take part in her hobbies. Don’t call her childish or obnoxious or obsessive. Have conversations over her interests with her. Now of course, you are not expected to make everything about her. But try to show interest in more than just her beauty.

Make her feel included in your life, and include yourself in hers. Keep a few pictures of her. Send her funny photos that remind you of her. Keep a spare toothbrush for her in your bathroom with a spare towel. Add some of her favorite songs to your playlists. Keep some of her favorite snacks around. Keep one of her claw clips on your desk. Give her a couple of your hoodies. Keep a hair tie on your wrist in case she needs it. Keep some pads/tampons in your bathroom. Give her a stuffed animal or a blanket of yours. Introduce her to your friends and family and make sure she feels included with them. Get along with her friends and family.

Respect women. And no, I don’t mean “respect women to get laid” or “act like you respect women to make them like you” or be one of those “nice guys”. That’s not respecting women. Educate yourself on womens history. Go on YouTube and watch feminist video essays. Learn about how fucked up the patriarchy is. Help your mother around the house. Be nice to your sister. Learn about menstruation and how it works. Ask for consent before doing anything intimate. And don’t get pissy when she says no. To respect consent you have to respect rejection. Check in on her consistently to make sure she is still okay with and enjoying whatever you are doing. Call your friends on it when they are being misogynistic. In fact, respect people in general. Don’t be fucking racist, don’t be fucking homophobic, don’t be fucking transphobic, don’t be fucking ableist. Overall, don’t be a dickhead.

Be present in her life. Call her just to say good morning. Face time to say good night. Text her randomly throughout the day to tell her you love her. If she is in any extracurriculars, go to her events and support her. Cheer for her when she is being amazing. Comfort her when she is sad. Listen to her vent about her shitty day. Compliment her.

Clean up for her. If you know she’s coming over and your room/house is a mess, clean up. Start the laundry, make your bed, put things away, vacuum, tidy up.

Don’t try to control her. Don’t tell her what she can and can’t wear. Don’t tell her what pictures she’s allowed to post. Don’t tell her who to hang out with. Its fucked up.

Don’t be too clingy. Despite everything stated above, everyone needs some alone time. Give her space when she needs it.

Try to be financially stable. You don’t have to be a billionaire. But learn to balance your funds and create budgets.

Check yourself. If you can afford it, try therapy or counseling. Make sure you are okay. Try to recognize any toxic behaviors you might have and see what you can do to change them. Same goes for her. If she is being toxic, talk to her about it. If she is going through something, talk about it. Communicate.

Say nice and romantic things to her. And not just over text. Be brave. Say it to her face.

Don’t lie to her. Unless it is for a surprise, tell her the truth. If you want to go hang out with a friend, tell her you and your friend are hanging out. Don’t make up a lie. Just be honest.

Just by doing these things alone not only can you improve your chances of getting a girlfriend and keeping a good relationship, but also you can significantly improve your own life.

[kevinsreviewcatalogue]

Review: Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut (2020)

Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut (2020)

Not rated

<Originally posted at https://kevinsreviewcatalogue.blogspot.com/2023/10/review-never-hike-alone-ghost-cut-2020.html>

Score: 4 out of 5

If you've read my, or anybody else's, reviews of the Friday the 13th series, you'd know that it has a very spotty track record. The first movie is hardly most people's pick for the best in the series, the fact that there were more than twice as many films after the one titled The Final Chapter than before it has made the series the butt of jokes about horror franchises that get run into the ground, and nearly half the movies in this series range from just mediocre to borderline unwatchable. In short, it's an iconic slasher series where it wouldn't take much to make a movie that's around the middle of the pack quality-wise where its installments are concerned. And given the long legal battle that plagued this series for much of the 2010s, leave it to the fans to make just such a film. Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut is an anthology-style compilation of three Friday fan films by Womp Stomp Films that together range from pretty good to one of the most inspired things ever done with the idea of a big guy in a hockey mask hacking people up with a machete. It's a labor of love that (being a non-commercial fan film) is free to watch online, and which I highly recommend doing.

The film starts with a music video called "Disappear", a darkly humorous opening where Jason Voorhees hacks up three teenagers who ventured into the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake to drink and screw, all soundtracked by the titular acoustic guitar song by Trevor Vaughan. It sets the mood very nicely, playing right into our expectations of what a Friday movie is and delivering exactly that, while also examining just what Jason might be like in his "downtime" when he's not hacking people to bits. The second segment, Never Hike in the Snow, started out strong by showing Jason in an environment that's new to him: the winter, chasing and killing a young man named Mark Hill through the snowy woods. It starts off strong with a great buildup to a great kill, though as it went on it became the weakest segment in the film by my estimation, turning increasingly disjointed with plots about the sheriff Rick Cologne (a returning character from Jason Lives played by the same actor, Vincent Guastaferro) comforting the victim's mother, the same sheriff having to deal with Tommy Jarvis (again, returning from Jason Lives with Thom Mathews reprising his role) as news of the murder causes him to come out of the woodwork suspecting that Jason is back, and a scene of a hapless deputy going into the woods searching for clues as to Mark's murder. Each scene was exceptionally well-shot even by the standards of a professionally produced film, let alone a fan flick, but while there were interesting ideas, especially in the scene with the mother, it didn't come together particularly well.

Fortunately, the film spent the next hour with its best part by far, its titular centerpiece originally filmed and released in 2017 and later included with the other two segments as the "Ghost Cut". This is mostly a one-man show in which a hiking influencer named Kyle McLeod ventures into the trails of the Wessex County forest, stumbles upon Camp Crystal Lake, and must fight for survival against Jason. Much of the first half is a slow burn as Kyle ventures deeper and deeper into Jason's turf, with growing clues that something isn't right, from the coyotes wailing in the distance one night to the "No Trespassing" sign he encounters to various signs of the carnage past at the long-abandoned camp. It's an effective buildup that's paid off wonderfully when Jason himself shows up to kick ass and take names. He's played here by the film's director Vincente DeSanti, and watching him, I felt something I had only rarely felt in the past watching the Friday films: genuinely afraid of Jason. All too often, Jason gets portrayed as a crowd-pleasing mascot who the film not-so-secretly sides with as he takes out the trash, rendering him less a monster than a roguish anti-hero of sorts. Not here. This movie portrays him as a mean, brutish, no-nonsense, and surprisingly cunning villain who could probably kill you with his bare hands, let alone his machete, and who you absolutely do not want to mess around with. It helped that Drew Leighty as Kyle was a guy who I could easily root for. He may be a YouTuber, but the film avoids making him an obnoxious caricature for the sake of it, with scenes of him grumbling about the spon-con deal he's doing with the company that made the collapsible shovel he's carrying. And when push comes to shove towards the end, he turns into a real-deal survivor who feels like a genuine match for Jason. I wanted to see this guy live and prevail, which was more than I could say for a lot of the people who've crossed paths with Jason, and that fact made me fear what Jason was trying to do to him that much more.

The Bottom Line

It's rare for a fan film to be this good, but Never Hike Alone: The Ghost Cut manages to be not only better than a lot of the actual Friday the 13th films, but a damn good horror movie in its own right. Even if you're not a Friday fan, I still recommend giving this one a look, especially since it's free and easily accessible.

[nochi-quinn]

legend of vox machina watch party episodes 1-3: billfrito

why does all the amazon lovm merch look SO BAD

let laura bailey run your merch department amazon

amazon merch: focus-tested, advertiser friendly, bland

cr official merch: laura bailey wanted a thing so she made it, superior, personal

matt: I play The Entire Rest Of The World

are they already drunk or just goofy

the eternal question

"tall and lovely" literally nobody remembers sam is tall

djfskj he matches the sofa

GILMORE-SCENTED

oh HE'S already drunk

"that's five more trinkets than ever appear in the show"

travis in the calamity merch

aw, but mica's speech

I have absolutely forgotten how to use the watch party

oh right I don't get video until twitch says I get video

EPISODE ONE

"what could go wrong"

"I don't know what that means"

see, even this has better quality than the actual prime video player

"everybody be quiet I'm talking"

75k?!

I mean it makes sense but also that's A Number

"it's sleeping gas"

Nickelodeon Presents Legend of Vox Machina

WIZARDS

well she's a sorceror but WIZARDS

I was really hoping liam would be in this one but I'm beginning to understand why he's not

can you imagine

mb next time for maximum trauma

"that was my child" "sam's kids die all the time in this show"

"and then this happens"

THORDAK

I didn't notice the lens flare in the city shot beforeeeeee

"I don't wanna say yes until I know what happens" that's amazing

"don't let your shop fall on you next time"

"freak-ass"

I love that travis watches the reaction videos

"we should get rid of that"

Just A Broom™

"if the spork doesn't work you have no choice"

"no horses were harmed"

oh WOW

give them all raises

animation should win cinematography

Sam's Kids Watch

I still regret the loss of Kiki's friendship with the Sun Tree

s a m

"and it makes for really great desktop wallpapers"

"buildings were still…up"

"when I did it in their imaginations"

OH SHIT I want THAT for a wallpaper

these are fucking gorgeous

FLORIDA DRAGON

"I'm from there, I can say that"

I enjoy so much that matt has just leaned into wearing comfy pants to every event

jesus

the scrawlings of a madman

Big Dragon is Big

mica

who is that skinny motherfucker

THERE'S gilmore

I don't know who that other guy was. dark gilmore.

skinny gilmore isn't real, he can't hurt you

"I'm dying, show me your tits"

ahhh sketchy thordak

"big mistake giving sunil a catchphrase"

"remember when TVs had dials? I don't, I wasn't alive then"

travis is already in despair

y'all know what you were getting into when you let her host again

did travis just go "have fun storming the castle"

EPISODE TWO

it is nice to hear dani

"the internet is still just a concept"

will!!

the persistence of my crush on will friedle is astounding

ABC's TGIF veterans sound off

"someone had to design this!"

Ethereal Butt Scoops

will

"you're in this one!" "I know, I've heard"

Australian Accent Guy

I have not sat down and tried to hear the main cast in the background yet

there you go, it was Caduceus, but not For Real Caduceus, just Easter Egg Caduceus

"the armor looks a lot like Kima's armor!" "yeah, imagine that"

"we had to change it, the first take she was watching The Boys"

She

"if you put a backwards hat on [kashaw] it would fit"

He

STABBY WHEELCHAIR

memelords

matTHEW

josh turner, she's talking about josh turner

spoilers will

I love that they get to record together again but I

will's first ever animated swear!

terry deserved to swear lbr

"that was horrible" "it was fun!"

he's just so proud of himself. and so wrong.

"okay byeeee"

ONE PERSON did all of this?!

osysa's facial animation is so fucking good

sassy arrogant woman on sassy arrogant woman violence

memelords

victor!

taliesin just sneezed somewhere

Bill Frito

ART

aww, them coming up with story for kash and zahra just 'cause they could

OSYSA CONCEPT ART

why is there an audio desync when I have my headset off but not with it on

I'm unfortunately having to use this as a break to check on my kid

I desperately need Victor Award Speech

I don't even care if it's just a Victor Laugh at the end. I need this.

I Saw Green Once

"oh he's a dick!"

"you really crafted the perfect fuckboi"

ANIMATED CALAMITY???

MATT IF IT'S ANIMATED CALAMITY YOU HAVE TO TELL ME OTHERWISE IT'S ENTRAPMENT

"please get out"

I need my kid's pancreas to quit fucking up so I can put my headset back on, I missing so much crosstalk orz

DANI CARR 👏👏👏

it ain't called chaos couch for nothin

professionalism, we don't know her

"no we got a few more bits"

will did you not catch my TGIF shoutout earlier, I absolutely remember dial-up

EPISODE THREE

"that's the head of the CCP" M A T T H E W

justice for dexter the cute dragon

Skipping the Intro Is A War Crime

"who did that? I hope he's awesome" "yeah about that"

"tieflings are so cool" "just tieflings, not that other asshole"

will's shirt is doing an optical illusion on the picture in picture

"like taking the laugh track out of mash" that's a really good analogy actually

forever in awe of travis' ability to hit that pitch

I changed my twitter name to 'do not go far from me' bc I chose violence

[psychonauts 1 voice] YOU, tree-sitter!

I still cannot hear troy baker here, I am ashamed of myself

"he's a bit of an ass, you've got this"

"complete with traps" "SPOILERS"

I do love zahra's face there

"this is just travis as a player" noted Big Red Button addict travis willingham

"stay away from her! get a job!" dslkfjls

I wondered how much of this was or wasn't from kith and kin, I haven't had the chance to read it

I'm absolutely in awe of foley artists

I always felt like travis was living vicariously through grog with the beard, since he had to shave his for mocap work at the time

"I think your beard is evil!"

"'cause mary sucks in real life and I'm the nice one"

"there's never a time when they just turn around and go home" this is why Campfire Cooking In Another World is excellent, the protagonist is just like "no 🥰"

still in love with vex's little ear twitch

the way they all just went SILENT

"I don't wanna cry on national television"

you are not immune to liam o'brien

"you spelled my name 'troy baker'"

nope, no pokeball yet

(they are definitely not allowed to call it a pokeball) (I am under no such restrictions)

"that was definitely on purpose"

"we should finish those episodes"

"JUST MAKE THIS ONE BLACK AND WHITE"

I'm torn btwn "ha ha funny d&d wife jokes" and "that's actually important to communicate before it has the CHANCE to be a problem"

oh SHIT this concept art

"control water moses style"

"the damned missionaries showed up"

"their dicks are teeth"

NOT THE XENOMORPH

"do not make fanart of that"

matt if you get to say that out loud fcg gets to have a flesh tongue

"hashtag - " "NO"

grog and bacon edge was a+

that time he made scanlan drown out him in the outhouse so he could talk to it

"oh no we all share one brain cell, this is horrible"

matt say the names out loud before you get to the table, I've been saying this for years

CR 13 Pedobear

"obsessed with that" "you should not be"

"I showed these episodes to my kids" sam no

Dark is Not Evil

oh right kestrel came up with marisha's space frog

"we're gonna show up and talk behind you"

the episodes drop three hours before critrole for me, rip my thursday nights

drop the video will. will drop the video. will.

"I UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE"

"iono" "MATTHEW"

OH THE NECKLACE

them threatening matt until he picks a voice to do

"WHO'S SCRATCH KASH"

their dream guest stars have a habit of just being their guest stars

Bill Frito Can Do Anything

mica are you talking abo - you're talking about your dad

"I cannot do that."

ROBBIE

I miss him

that's right, will nuked all his socials

(good for him)

"you can" "get fucked"

mica just going "END"

[absolutepokemontrash]

The Brothers With an MC That’s Only Soft for Them

So, cute Headcanons are my kryptonite! Please enjoy, my fluff loving brethren!

Lucifer

We at Stupid Headcanons inc. recommend that MC does not inflate this bastard’s ego further, but if they choose to…

Lucifer, the morning star, a high ranking demon, does not need MC’s affection… that was a lie he C R A V E S it.

This pairing is actually quite complimentary, Lucifer is only soft for MC, MC is only soft for Lucifer, perfectly balanced.

MC shouldn’t expect Lucifer to be too reciprocal to their affections in public until they’re both neck deep into the relationship, but in private, hoo boy.

The “good job!”s, the hugs, the quick pecks on the cheek, all of it just made Lucifer practically melt. He adores all the affection, and it’s all for him.

Finally, someone in this house appreciates him…

“Lucifer, try not to overwork yourself, if you need anything, just ask, okay?” “Thank you, MC.” “Hey MC! I need help, pass me the remote.” “YOU CAN WALK OFF A CLIFF BELPHIE! Love you, Lucifer.”

And to be honest, some of the roasts are funny, but MC, dearest, please dial down the sass near Lord Diavolo.

Mammon

Of course MC’s favourite is the Great Mammon! Heh, who else would it be? Not that he needs this human’s affection or anything!

…screw it, please MC, give him more head pats.

Hand holding, hugs, resting his head on MC’s lap… Mammon’s really living the life.

In public Mammon is constantly trying to get MC to shower him in praise and affection in his own weird tsundere kind of way. It’s good thing MC is always willing to give their demon all the love they have.

It just makes him so happy that all of MC’s affection belongs to him, it makes his greedy little heart sing.

MC’s love and care tragically does not save him from being caught for his shenanigans, but MC, stone cold bitch that they are, will always do something bad to get strung up next to him.

“MC, what’re ya doin’ here?” “Oh you know babe, just hanging around.”

Nothing makes him smile more than when they stick up for him, to MC, he isn’t scummy trash, he’s the great Mammon! Their super amazing guardian! He does what he can to live up to MC’s image of him!

Since Mammon’s super supportive of his human, he’ll always provide reaction sound affects whenever MC delivers a verbal smack down.

Levi

MC likes him? Must be a joke. Who’d like a gross Otaku like him…?

The human exchange student apparently.

They’d listen with a look of pure adoration on their face whenever Levi would ramble about his favourite anime, they’d help him organize his figurines, they’d play video games with him…

Man… MC’s really playing the long con here on this practical joke.

When Levi isn’t drowning in self doubt, he absolutely loves how sweet and gentle MC is around him, a side only he gets to see… *swoon*

A cold mean character that’s only soft for their love interest??? That’s one of Levi’s top five favourite romantic tropes!

Levi’s often taking notes on MC’s snappy remarks so he can sass people while he streams, he’s not too good at it, so he just streams with MC present. His viewership goes up whenever exponentially whenever MC says anything.

“Someone in the chat just said I must be insanely lonely-” “There’s no way in hell you’re lonelier than that guy at night. His bed ranks number one in the top ten loneliest places ever.”

Satan

At first, Satan took more of an analytical interest in MC’s attitude, they’re either suicidally impulsive or very confident in their ability to run from danger if they think they can sass demons and get away unscathed.

Once the two connect and MC goes soft for him, it’s game over. Satan’s weakness is cute things, and nothing is cuter to him than his usually mean MC raining affection and compliments down upon him!

Satan finally has a leg up on Lucifer! The human adores him and isn’t afraid to talk back to that pretentious motherfucker-

MC sits in Satan’s lap and the two read together, they smuggle cats into the house, they lay in bed together plotting the downfall of their enemies… just normal couple things.

Sometimes MC just sits next to him and makes a particularly nasty quip at someone else, then give him a big ol kiss on the cheek.

It just makes him oh so happy…

“Honey, I brought you tea!” “Ah, thank you MC.” “I took it from Lucifer’s private stash of relaxing tea :D” “You really are my soulmate, aren’t you?”

Asmo

Gasp! MC’s so mean! Do it more!

Asmo, sassy god he is, appreciates a good snide remark or twelve, so he’s always got a front row seat to MC’s shennaniganery.

Before the pact, he was back in the peanut gallery with Satan wondering when MC’s words would come back to bite them, but after the pact, nothing’s touching the human. Their sass is completely consequence-less as long as Asmo’s around!

These two are a match made in hell, literally. Asmo and MC get to be so in sync that they manage to make each other’s insults better by working together.

“I’d give you the name of a few surgery places but I don’t think they implant brains into unlucky people like yourself.” “They might be able to implant a better personality though~.”

Asmo’s fully willing to flaunt his relationship in public. Sort of in a “look at us! MC’s only nice to me! Eat shit losers!” kind of way.

It isn’t all vanity and insults, MC always finds a way to make Asmo feel better whenever he’s feeling down. MC makes sure to tell Asmo as often as possible that they love him for more than just his looks, and it makes the Avatar of Lust swoon.

Just as long as MC never turns their razor sharp wit on Asmo, he’s their cheerleader forever.

Beel

Good choice, MC.

Despite his resting bitch face, Beel’s a big softie, everyone knows that, and as the Simpsons said, ‘the strong must protect the sweet’.

Well… MC isn’t as strong as Beel, but they will verbally eviscerate anyone who even dares insinuate anything not nice about their precious gigantic cinnamon roll!

“Listen up bitches! Not you Beel, we’re all glad you’re here.” “^_^” “Y’ALL ARE IN DEEP SHIT.”

Beel loves how affectionate MC is! Doesn’t matter if it’s in public or private, he and MC are almost always at least holding hands.

MC always has emergency snacks on them, they never get upset when Beel eats everything in the house, they just smile and hand over whatever food they have on them and help fix the problem.

Beel is probably one of the only characters who would try and get MC to branch out and be nicer to everyone and not just him. Whether this works depends on MC.

Belphie

Does he deserve this? No. Did he almost start crying when MC began to show him genuine care and affection? Yes. Does he nearly die of laughter every time MC snaps at someone? Yes.

Belphie’s not sure why MC decided that they were going to love him of all demons… but they just… understand him.

They listened patiently and offered a shoulder to cry on, even after he hurt them… their understanding, their compassion, just wow. Belphie really lucked out.

MC lets him nap, fluffs his pillows, reminds him to wash his pillow cases and comforter, gets him sushi, like geez… what a simp… *sniffle*

In return, Belphie offers cuddles. Cuddles and quality time together. For the first time in how many millennia Belphie is going to get off his ass and do something for someone if they ask.

It’s a miracle.

Belphie isn’t one for flaunting a relationship but… he may just let some people know that this super mean human likes him the most by giving his human a quick kiss.

[mysteryman-17]

Here Comes Niko! is a 3D platformer developed by Frog Vibes, and published by Gears for Breakfast. It's a nice, chill experience, and I **highly** recommend officially supporting both it and the soundtrack by @stijnidek! (The composer is also on SoundCloud and Twitter btw!)

I'm gonna be real here, guys: this is honestly the most frustrated I've ever felt making a cover of a game track, but not because of any difficulties with the arrangement. Like, come ON man! The first track to ever remix Here Come Niko's OST in any capacity... was the wack ass Wrong Enemy replacement for my Time's End AU (which still needs a mf update,) and the only video I could find on YouTube period(!!!) that even sounds like it has covers of the OST in the background was Scruffy's interview with the game devs. The game's been out a whole ass YEAR, and the pool of public music fan content is that small. Moreso than any game I've ever covered music from before, please PLEASE PLEASE support the official OST for it, and PLEASE make more remixes of it! Here Comes Niko deserves better recognition than it's got, and the music doubly so - especially from musicians with greater skills than my own. Anyhow, my own personal frustrations outside of this track aside, I'm incredibly happy with how this turned out! Added various things that weren't in the original track, so this isn't a one-to-one cover, but I feel like I've done a good job of capturing the base vibe of the track. Was surprisingly tricky to figure out some of the backing stuff in here; got it in the end tho! Am hoping that I finally did the great OST for this game some proper justice at long last, and I also hope you guys enjoy!

You can also listen to this track in high quality on my SoundCloud here! 

[castor--writes]

ok ok wait wait wait. could you go through your list of mcyt and give headcanons for what you think each one would be like on road trips? thank you!! <3

i really love this request omg i ended up rating the quality of the trips and idk what i was using to judge the quality of your trips but i did it anyway i wrote this for dream, georgenotfound, eret, wilbur soot, tommyinnit, tubbo, and ranboo

------- 

Dream • absolutely a driver • i think he'd joke about driver controlling music but he's a simp and he'd let you play whatever music you want • would act like he didnt like stopping at roadside attractions but he would have the time of his life as soon as he stepped out of the car • holds your hand while driving • has absolutely tried to lean over to kiss your cheek on empty stretches of open road and you have to smack him and tell him to stop being an idiot and just pay attention to driving jesus christ dream you'll crash the fucking car • over all 8/10 just please keep your eyes on the road, lover boy Georgenotfound • lmaooo dude has no driver's license • rides shotgun the whole way • buys lots of snacks i think • idk what music he listens to but his playlists are either fantastic or awful and he switches between them regularly • is pretty indifferent about roadside attractions • like, he's down to go and has lots of fun every time but also is chill not going and actually making it to your destination on time • probably naps in the car • 9/10 pretty ideal passenger Eret • switches places with you so neither of you drive for too long • will hold your hand and give it kisses, whether he's driving or not • has pretty chill playlists, definitely a lot of good songs on there • also very much enjoys listening to your playlists • you guys probably switch who gets the aux cord when you switch drivers • doesnt seem like a car sleeper idk • if they notice that you're asleep, they'll pull over and cover you with a jacket or a blanket if there's one in the car so you dont get too cold • 100% down for roadside attractions • 10/10 wholesome trip Wilbur Soot • definitely a driver • holds your hand or rests his hand on your thigh while driving • he brings the good playlists and you bring purposely bad playlists and you switch between them all the time • it makes for a very interesting drive • i think he's less excited for roadside attractions but when you get near the exit and you give him big puppy eyes, he just kinda says fuck it and ends up having a great time • legally not allowed to sleep while driving but if you convince him to take a break, he'll probably fall asleep but denies it to his dying breath claiming he was just resting his eyes • 8/10 admit you're asleep fucker you sound like my grandfather Tommyinnit • i dont think Tommy has a license either • i think you two only go on road trips if your parents take you • even if theres only the driver in the car, you two sit in the back together bc it makes for easier access to mess with each other • you probably listen to whatever music the driver puts on or you share earbuds and listen to like. teen songs. idk what the youth listen to • very chaotic • lots of yelling • you two caused the driver to almost crash once • you weren't allowed to ride together for like. six months after that • might end up asleep on your shoulder if you're driving late enough • definitely denies it • has a list of roadside attractions he saw on previous trips that he didnt get to go to and tries his damnedest to stop at as many as he possibly can • 8/10 good time, except for when you've almost crashed bc you're both being too loud so maybe dont do that again Tubbo • also cant drive so you're probably riding in the backseat with your parents in the front again • usually much more chill than tommy but is still fairly chaotic when he wants to be • i think you two let the driver pick music and then share earbuds while showing each other funny videos on your phones • falls asleep on your shoulder and admits to it bc hes not a coward • has been known to sit in the middle seat for better hugging access bc leaning over a whole-ass middle seat to cuddle someone isnt fun or easy or comfortable • probably researched the route you were taking and found some cool roadside stuff and asked the driver about it beforehand so yall have a plan? but then you get on the road and he asks to go to all of them instead of just the ones that were talked about • 9/10 really nice to ride with for long periods of time Ranboo • idk if he actually has a driver's license or not but he vibes like he does • will take you to mcdonalds at two in the morning and calls it a roadtrip adventure but doesnt really wanna drive very long distances so long road trips with him are definitely driven by your parents • hits his head on the ceiling a lot • you tease him about it relentlessly but will also kiss the top of his head to make it feel better bc you're a good friend • i definitely think you guys do weird voices together and i dont know why • i also think you're more likely to fall asleep than he is so if you fall asleep on him, he'll just get really still and quiet so you dont wake up • is excited about roadside stuff and is kinda bummed when you cant go but it's not a big deal • 10/10 great car ride buddy

[wing-ed-thing]

Retail Therapy (Kakuzu x Reader)

Synopsis: Deidara has a new partner for a combined effort with the Zombie Combo. However, something about you has Kakuzu heated.

Word Count: 2,123

Tags/Warnings: Violence, Threat of Violence, Probably Language, Gender Neutral Reader

Notes: Kakuzu content is probably some of the best stuff I’ve ever written. Right now I’m watching a video on fried milk. Ever hear of such a thing? Fascinating.

Kakuzu didn’t like being paired up with Hidan, let alone joint missions where he’d have to deal with even more people. Not to say that Kakuzu hated people, because he did, but he never thought that he’d hate anyone more than he absolutely hated you. He hadn’t even met you yet, but he knew at his very core that you would quickly become the bane of his entire existence.

“Shopping?” Kakuzu asked slowly, the word forming on his lips as if he had an aversion to even speaking it. Deidara leaned back on the large bounder that he settled on and stretched his arms up above his head. The blond nodded with a short groan before his hands came to rest behind his head.

“Yep,” he answered, “And for hours too, so I’d get comfortable.” Hidan plopped down on a patch of dirt below, his back and scythe against the side of the rock. Kakuzu glared down at his partner causing Hidan to shrug. To Hidan, if Deidara thought that the three of them would be waiting a while, he would take his word and make himself comfortable. Kakuzu’s attention turned back to Deidara.

“Hours? What possibly could someone be purchasing that takes them hours?” Hidan gazed up from his spot, head tilted back against the surface behind him.

“And we only came like five minutes late too. Who takes off like that?” Kakuzu almost nodded in agreement, but knowing his partner, Hidan would take any excuse to complain. Deidara shrugged, basking in the warmth of the sun and stayed lounging even as a rustling came from the woods. Hidan’s hand immediately reached up to grip the handle of his weapon and Kakuzu took a defensive stance. Deidara’s eyes remained closed.

“Oh hello, boys! I didn’t know you were here!” You sauntered out of the trees, bags hanging from both arms. They were pushed tightly in a line, every other patch of your skin strained by the handles of a different shopping bag. Even in your altered Akatsuki cloak, Kakuzu took a look at you and immediately decided that you were decorated far too ornately and that he’d like to kill you when he had the chance. You were objectively beautiful, but if Kakuzu had his way, Deidara would have to be assigned another partner soon. “You haven’t been waiting for too long, have you?”

“You shouldn’t have left us waiting at all,” Kakuzu glowered, although not any more than usual. Either you didn’t hear him or you ignored him as you walked up to your partner. You plucked a package from one of your more reachable bags.

“I got you something, Dei-dei!” You threw it up to Deidara weakly but he managed to catch it. He opened the small, folded, paper bag. Deidara glanced down at you with a nod of his head and a fold of his lips. He took the neat band in his hand while you looked at him expectantly. “Aren’t they nice? Hair ties. Silk from a small village in the Land of Water.” Deidara held them up to the sun.

“That’s some great quality you found. Thanks.” Your partner glanced down at you again. “Must’ve been one hell of a fight assuming that you got a good price for it.” Kakuzu looked on at your exchange, increasingly beginning to lose his temper.

“Believe me, I did. And I found a ton of other great finds too. I gotta show you—”

“Enough,” Kakuzu growled and you finally turned your attention his way. Hidan had since passed out against the boulder that Deidara sat on. “You’re wasting all our time. The sooner we start, the sooner we can part ways.” You gave Kakuzu a once over with your nose wrinkled in disgust.

“Well someone’s grumpy,” you mused. You rolled your eyes and pointed your nose upward. Huffing, you threw your shopping bags into the air and as they fell, you swiftly unfurled a scroll. Your new items disappeared one by one. You rolled the paper back up, scowling as you slipped the scroll into one of many slots that you wore strapped to your clothing. The pockets ran down the small of you back and you latched the bundle of paper in place with a flip of your nimble fingers. Kakuzu frowned back, tentatively wondering if all the scrolls you carried contained the same amount of shopping bags. You approached him with crossed arms. “Okay then, tough guy. Let’s get started.”

You sat down and summoned a map of the next village. It laid out in front of you and placed your hands on your knees in challenge. Kakuzu sat down on the other side of the map, eyes boring into you. You didn’t budge. And as you began to speak, it was hard to focus, at least for Deidara. Though he supposed he’s seen you this fired up before.

“It would be easier if we lure the jinchūriki outside of the village,” you said, gesturing to the small, unnamed village on the map. It wasn’t large, but just big enough to serve as a maze for your prize. At least you knew the woods better and a jinchūriki was bound to stand out among the trees.

“I can get up some traps,” Deidara added and you nodded.

“Back them into a corner and cage them into a small space—” You nodded again— “We can use some explosives around the area… maybe here?” You pointed to a section of the map outside of the village. You looked up at Deidara. “You’d be our last line of defense when the jinchūriki tries to run.” Deidara smirked and puffed out his chest.

“Leave it to me!”

“We’ll need someone to drive the jinchūriki out of the village,” Kakuzu cut in, not particularly liking how you dominated the strategizing. “I’ll go with Hidan.” While Kakuzu thought that he would stop at nothing to get away from the Jashinist, this had to be a regrettable first. Hidan napped a few feet away.

You raised an eyebrow and scoffed, “You and Hidan? Psh… might as well have Deidara set off fireworks in the sky that spell out ‘single, hot jinchūriki in your a—”

“I can do that!” Deidara cut in before immediately backing down at Kakuzu’s pointed glare, not that he’d show it. You locked eyes with Kakuzu, taking his fiery stare off of your partner.

“I’ll go. You’re too conspicuous and, really, have you seen Hidan? You two would be spotted a mile away.” Kakuzu almost snarled.

“And you wouldn’t?” You let out a short, bitter laugh. Your left arm supported your weight as your knees touched together on the right side of your body. Kakuzu scowled at your blatant lounging. Everything about you challenged him and he hated you for it. Your lids narrowed in a smug smile.

“I’m not the one—” who’s fuckin’ jacked — “ with big-ass black stitches across my whole body.”

“And four faces on his back…” Hidan called out, still half asleep. You turned back to Kakuzu.

“And four faces on his back,” you repeated, much to Kakuzu’s vexation. The sass in your blinks was lost on the older shinobi. He stood, causing you to stand too. Deidara took a hint and retreated. Kakuzu crossed his arms over his chest and he planted his feet on the ground about the same width apart as his broad shoulders. He pointed two fingers at you harshly.

“And you’re—” Gorgeous. — “a brat. I should just kill you right here.” You stood your ground, daring to slap Kakuzu’s hand out of your face.

“As much as I’d like to see you try, tough guy, I’d actually like to do some quality work and get the hell away from you as quickly as I can.” Kakuzu huffed, gritting his teeth underneath his mask.

“Nice to hear that we’re on the same page.”

And with neither of your partners wanting to deal with either of you pissed off, you and Kakuzu were paired together.

***

Deciding that your cloaks were too noticeable, you sealed yours away. Kakuzu kept his draped across his arm, distrust of you evident. You walked down the road together under the late afternoon, waiting for nightfall. You hoped that striking at night would give you not only the surprise advantage, but also minimize the number of clueless civilians that would no doubt wander in your way. But as soon as your eyes fell onto the market, Kakuzu quickly began to wonder if his stubbornness landed him with an even larger headache. But his usual, standoffish demeanor remained the same. Kakuzu’s eyes drifted to their corners as he scowled down at you.

“No.” That was all he said, as if you would actually listen to him and not immediately march in the direction of the market. He reluctantly followed, every reach to hold you back by your robes falling just a bit short each time. By the time you were stopped, too many people surrounded the two of you for him to pull you away without drawing attention. Normally, attention from others wasn’t anything that Kakuzu would be concerned with, but your two teams had their orders and Kakuzu would be damned if he had to spend anymore time with you.

You stood in front of a booth with your hand on your chin. Kakuzu stood next to you, following your gaze to a simple, but sturdy-looking sword. You gingerly picked it up, carefully studying it’s craftsmanship. The man behind the booth leaned over his table, motioning to the piece of merchandise in your hands.

“Ah, you have a good eye, mercenary.” You glanced up at him.

“Land of Earth? Lots of excellent craftsmanship comes from there, I’m not surprised.” You ran your thumb across the dull of the blade. “Antique too, but still hardy.” The merchant nodded pointing to a few spots across the weapon.

“Could get you out of a bind too. Reliable smithing comes from Tsuchi no Kuni.” Kakuzu looked on at the show in front of him. In stark contrast to earlier, you seemed poised and he found you knowledgeable. You appeared calm and competent enough to handle yourself and for a second, Kakuzu became lost in your analysis.

You stepped back, turning the sword around in your hand to feel out the balance. The blade whipped around your body with ease. The seller softly applauded your embellished practice. Kakuzu almost rolled his eyes, but took some comfort in the fact that you were looking to purchase something of quality and not just anything at the very least. You looked down at the weapon with a nod or two before asking the dreaded question.

“So what’s your price?” The merchant didn’t hesitate.

“A hundred thousand ryō.” Kakuzu almost left right there, but a dominant part of him wanted to know what you were going to do. His hands grasped his biceps, his cloak still hanging from his forearm. Kakuzu watched you closely. You shook your head.

“You’re going to give it to me for twenty-five thousand.” The merchant gaped at the outrageous price you named. He sputtered a few times.

“That price is far too low for this quality. You must be joking if you think I’d sell this fine piece of equipment for practically nothing.”

You did name a ridiculous price. Not even Kakuzu could see getting what you wanted for that price without a fair bit of violence and intimidation. But you ripped into that merchant. You ripped into this poor seller like nothing Kakuzu had ever seen before. He didn’t even know if he could call it bartering, but whatever it was, it was likely one of the most skillful things that Kakuzu had ever seen.

He folded his lips under his mask. You didn’t yell. Kakuzu didn’t even find your appearance intimidating in the slightest, yet every point and number the merchant brought up, you countered. And by the end of the intense conversation, if Kakuzu didn’t know any better and had less of a spine, he’d likely be handing the sword over too. The man had long since started sweating, tugging at his collar. If Kakuzu didn’t see it with his own eyes, he wouldn’t have believed it as you handed over exactly twenty-five thousand ryō. He almost overlooked the complete waste of money as he still stood stunned, though not outwardly showing any such emotion.

You nestled the sword by your hip and the seller let out a breath of relief by the time you walked away. Kakuzu followed wordlessly next to you as you strutted off in triumph.

Perhaps he misjudged you. He stared, not noticing as he did so.

Yes, you were going to save the organization a fortune.

Notes: “oH mY gOd KaKuzU sAiD hE wAs GoNna KiLl rEader! wHy wOuLd yOu wRiTe sOmEtHiNg sO tOxIc???”... They’re criminal terrorists, Susan.

Thank you to all who liked, reblogged, followed and otherwise supported. Your support means so much and is greatly appreciated.

[virghogh]

NCT Birth Charts x Hexaco Results Analyses pt. 2

recently NCT Dream were on a new reality show called Mental Training Camp where they are doing a variety of activities and all of their behavior and interactions are being analyzed by professional psychologists.

ofc my virgo sun mercury ass was thrilled and I had their birth charts pulled up the whole time to cross reference.

I wanted to share some of my personal thoughts on how the 2 might connect!

p.s. Thank u for all the likes on part one !!<3

part 1 // part 2 // part 3

**key: in the hexaco charts the blue represents the Dreamies, the orange is an average result of 300 college students who took the same test**

Renjun - “An artist down to the bones”

✨aries sun // scorpio moon // pisces mercury // pisces venus // taurus mars✨

can i just start with a wow cause!! This title is so bold and what they continued to talk about with him, and when looking at his chart... there is much to unpack here so let’s get into it

they started off his analysis focusing on how much of an “artist” he is. They said 2 qualities a great artists needs is openness and emotionality and he scored way above average in those areas, and the highest of those in his whole group. Looking at his placements I think anyone could tell this person is highly creative. With his 2 pisces placements and water moon in scorpio. There’s a lot more going on with that moon sign than just creativity, but it is a common trait amongst water moons!

I feel like his water energy is responsible for more of his imagination? If you watch a lot of NCT content you can see just how imaginative Renjun is. Especially in the relay vlogs when he was taking us through his art all I could think was wow this guy has crazy (good) imagination! the reason I mention this is because he has a taurus mars. taurus is ruled by venus where we get a lot of our creativity from and it’s a known thing that taurus placements always bring natural creativity. I really think the combination of water imagination with taurus art is a beautiful combo.

 On top of his natural talent in creativity and imagination, scorpio moons absolutely need an outlet. He was truly blessed with placements that give him that outlet <3 They mentioned he could be a poet and scorpio moons are always being recommended to write poetry. His art is essential to his mental and emotional health. 

something really interesting is how they mentioned that mark has traditional leader energy, but Renjun has a “mother-like” leader energy. I thought that was so sweet and really accurate for him. They mentioned how throughout the intro he would scan the others eyes a lot and make contact very subconsciously and with ease. Taking everyone into account. I see this a lot in his 2 pisces placements. I feel like a lot of pisces makes someone very sensitive, in-tune with people and caring/compassionate. And with the slower, calmer taurus mars it gives him a gentle approach. He has this strong bull/ram influence from his aries sun and mars, his driving forces, that gives him initiative and a strong voice. when these 2 connect I feel like it makes a mom bear kind of thing. 

They also said it seems when he scans like that he is almost analyzing and observing, “gathering opinions”. Scorpio moons have hawk eyes, they’re always observing micro-actions and reactions. He is mostly observing with care so he can pay attention and accommodate! But I think having a scorpio moon just makes him naturally tune in to people a lot more and gives him a sharper eye. 

I wanted to put him and Jisung in the same post because they’re both scorpio moon kings, and I wanted to talk about how this really intense moon sign plays out in 2 very different people. I have a scorpio moon too, so seeing 2 idols I like with their own scorpios moons is very interesting to me! 

at one point the psychologists verbal report took a turn and all i could think about was that scorpio moon! After they finished telling him about his artists traits, they said “there is one thing you should look out for”, and it was that people like him tend to get lonely easily and often/a lot and Renjun quickly agreed! They said that since he’s with good friends a lot, it helps, but in the future he could get very lonely and experience it more than the average person. This is so textbook scorpio moon I honestly felt like he was speaking right to me and my scorpio moon for a second. From one scorpio moon to another, I’m so glad he has people around him. 

then they asked him when he typically gets lonely the most and he responded with “it just comes to be out of the blue” u poor scorpio moon bb😭. I don’t know how serious he was about this word but he said he will be depressed on the nicest days sometimes. 

there was another story Mark was telling thin time about Renjun. They went out to a meal together on a beautiful day and Mark comments on how nice out it is and Renjun just responds with “I’m depressed”. There are so many traits of his scorpio moon coming through here. With the moon being in such an intense, deep and dark sign, it is in detriment here. It’s a really rough placement for your emotions. Water moons in general are known for being quite moody and sulky, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and very randomly. There doesn’t always have to be a trigger. I feel like his pisces-scorpio are really like teaming up a lot when it comes to his expressions and emotions. 

In the last post I mentioned how I think Jeno and Mark are lucky to have fire moons because they could get really hard on themselves or down/depressed if they had earth or water moons. Renjun is a good example of what I meant. With his Taurus mars, earth signs are known for being down and hard on themselves a lot and I think the combination of a earth mars and scorpio moon is tough. taurus likes to be alone a lot too and I could see him maybe in the future develop a tendency to isolate when he’s having a scorpio moon moment and feels like the world is ending (again, being around people must be really helping him). I also see his aries sun maybe being another way to help express that scorpio moon. It might feel less like he has to keep all of these scorpio feelings to himself, it’s easier for him to let it out. It’s also worth noting that having a scorpio moon and taurus mars means they’re in opposition! Giving him even more depth and intensity. 

as for the hexaco chart, based off just his chart I don’t know if I would have guessed his openness was that high with his scorpio and taurus?? But other than that I think his hexaco is very spot on for him! His agreeableness is slightly below average👀 umm yes hi aries sun and fixed moon and mars. His extroversion is pretty much average but that average to me tells me someone is more on the extroverted side or maybe in the middle? Being in the middle would make sense to me because I think he definitely has potential to isolate. I’m curious to see what his houses are! I’ve seen a lot of talk that he’s a cancer rising and I buy it because it would put his sun in 10th, and moon in 5th but that’s a whole other topic...

That emotionality is wonderfully high. His openness and expression/ reactions are one of my favorite things about him. He’s truly a little aries hot head at times. I feel like aries in big 6 often gives this kind of ease with expression and straightforwardness like I was saying about mark. Similar to Chenle though, I think even though Renjun is open, he isn’t an open book and has his deep thoughts and secrets. I see his openness more in that he will always be there for people and listen/help peoples problems. He’s the kind of person to meet someone and if he can tell they’re struggling he’d offer his ear or shoulder even if they’re not close. He’s welcoming. 

tldr; has intense imagination and creative abilities, he is very welcoming, compassionate, attentive and caring. Mom vibes. He is very moody and gets down a lot, his friends and artistic expression are essential. He is very expressive, passionate and hot headed but has a lot of patience.

Jisung - “Shy Perfectionist” 

✨aquarius sun // scorpio moon // aquarius mercury // aquarius venus // aries mars✨

Jisungs section in this show was reallyyy short they didn’t say much and moved on kinda quick😅 I’ll be honest Jisung has always kinda confused me especially when I try to understand his chart and what i see in the videos. So not getting a lot of information from this episode either (yet! the show is ongoing) is tough

As far as the title they gave him🥺chart or no chart I think it’s a good title for him and how he appears in content and stuff he is true baby. In their verbal report they basically just said he’s shy and then talked a lot about how he has very good “follower” qualities. They were saying having a good follower is also a really important quality in a group though. And jisung agreed with what they were saying. That’s pretty much all we got from them😅

Honestly if I could only have one members guaranteed full chart I’d want it to be Jaemins or Jisungs because Jisung has an aquarius stellium! And the house it’s in could tell us so much more about him. Typically when I think of or meet aquarius I don’t pin them as a shy type? I could see some of them preferring to stick to themselves but they still operate pretty well in social situations. So Jisung’s painfully shy personality we see is interesting to me. Where I definitely do see his aqua and scorpio working together is in how anxious and nervous he is. He’s a worrier too and has admitted it. Also I’ve heard the combination of aquarius and scorpio makes someone intensely intuitive to future events, so I feel like if jisung is unaware of this gift it could contribute to his high anxiety. Maybe he gets feelings of “something bad is about to happen” a lot for seemingly no reason👀

Another very aquarius trait is of course they’re weirdooos through and through! And what I’ve noticed about the aquarius weird trait is how many different kinds of weird there are because aquarians are always weird in such different ways. I definitely think Jisung is a weird guy, or quirky? You can almost see the gears grinding in his head when he’s contemplating and then he’ll do something “weird” after that! Weird, or just off beat. And what I love about the way jisungs lil aquarius mind works is you can tell those weird moments are purely just how he really is and thinks, and it’s not to be funny or for the cameras, he just processes information and thinks completely different from everyone else. 

Since we know jisung is shy I feel like a lot of his aquarius and scorpio mood comes out off camera so we won’t get to see that side! But I’m sure it’s there.

I think Jisung’s scorpio moon is a good example of how different it can be. To go from a very emotionally charged chart to one that is being dominated by air is quite different. With Renjun, I was talking about how his water and fire give him the ability to be in touch with and express his scorpio moon more. But with an air dominant chart I feel like hinders that ability and creates a more detached person. Not that he’s cold, not emotional, or not compassionate. But just that he probably prefers to “just not think” about certain stressful or emotional topics. But the problem with that is it doesn’t mean emotions are gone and scorpio is very hard to ignore, so he’s probably internalizing a lot of stuff v deeply or is surprised when emotions come, what feels like, out of nowhere,.. Jisung also has an aries mars though! I feel like the openness of the aries mars combining with the detachment of Aquarius sun could also contribute to sudden releases of emotion🤔 but be back to normal in minutes

I also wanna add that I feel like jisungs very follower personality and ability to just kinda let things happen or not take charge must be a result of the industry and being the maknae tbh, or it at least accentuated it 

For the hexaco chart I really want to comment on how high the honesty-humility is! In the first part I mentioned how aquarius and aries can be quite righteous signs. So this trait must be really played up in his chart because it seems he cares a lot about following the rules (could also be a result of industry). His emotionality is higher than average! For his chart I don’t know if I would have expected that but from watching him I think it totally lines up, maybe his aries mars is proving more of an outlet. 

I also wanna finish by adding that jisung is still super young and has been in this “baby” position for most of his life, and is literally the youngest out of a 23 person group lol and grew up in the industry so there’s more going on with that than just astrology <3

tldr; very shy, anxious and nervous, intuitive, an oddball, his community is important and helpful to him, easily reactive, but not very emotionally expressive, he’s level-headed, has a lot of growing to do🥺<3

part 3 coming soon!

feedback and thoughts are always welcome!

[obeymeluv]

The Bros as Dads

PSA: The boys would be very attractive dads (emotionally and physically). That is all.

Note: the headcanon also includes genders for the kids. I can see some of them having sons, and others having daughters. And, obviously, everyone is older (20′s-ish).

Lucifer

Takes a while to process the news. It’s kind of a big thing. His love life was something of a roller coaster (or nonexistent) until you. The ‘L’ word was a hurdle, now there’s a B word and a P word?!

When his brain realizes what you’ve said or if you show him some proof, the pride takes over FULL SWING (you can feel it explode in him, like his aura) and he purrs

You are truly his stars, his moon, and the heavens he so dearly misses

There’s this raw, vulnerable love in Lucifer’s eyes and it pretty much awes everyone because he’s usually so proper and reserved

The memories are old and dusty but Lucifer’s parenting instincts are strong

A type-A, fussy person. You may have 7 months left before you give birth, but the house will be spotless and perfectly proofed before you hit bed rest

Piles of parenting books suddenly sprout around the house. No one’s sure where they came from or how there’s even that many WRITTEN about parenting.

You and the child become his world. You’re his kryptonite, the only thing to convince him away from long hours or break him out of sour moods

Lucifer is very stressed, more than he thought he’d be, because you’re carrying his child and he worries for your health.

He’s with you every step of the way, from appointments to birth

He’d absolutely drop everything to tend to your needs, or appoint one of the brothers if he couldn’t.

Likes to busy himself with making a nursery and is actually good at themes/interior decorating

Has a tiny desk built in his study. The child won’t be able to join him for a while, but the idea of his tiny joy working on something beside him warms his heart

Hunts down obscure herbs and items from folklore that are supposed to bless pregnancies or benefit the unborn. Turns out he’s really nervous and superstitious.

Lucifer is the worst when it comes to shopping because his pride outweighs his logical restraint. If he convinces himself IN THE SLIGHTEST that his child would look good in something or the nursery could really use an item, it’s coming to the House of Lamentation

He ugly cries when he realizes you’re having a girl because he feels like Lilith has been given back to him.

Refuses to name his child Lilith because of everything that happened. Can’t settle for anything close to her name or any nicknames they gave her.

Makes you a sleeping space in his study. Loves to take breaks to watch you sleep. Unintentionally takes a break to kiss your stomach and talk to the baby.

Firm believer in ‘in the belly’ enrichment so you’ll have music playing and Lucifer will read to them all the time.

If the baby’s not with you, she’s with him. Lucifer has definitely shown up to a meeting with Lord Diavolo with his baby in a chest carrier. The meeting went flat because Diavolo wanted to play with the baby.

He’s the type of dad that demands total silence when the baby’s sleeping. Might have tied up some of his brothers to achieve it.

He’s not a total hard-ass (this kid has made a sucker out of him, okay?) but his kid will definitely have manners and knows to help clean up.

The type to take naps with his kid. He’ll get up at 2 in the morning and climb into their crib if they’re fussy.

Lucifer spent so much of his life being the primary caretaker for his bros that he forgets he’s not alone this time. When you push him back down so he can sleep, and tend to your daughter, his heart almost bursts with love.

On the fence about another child. The kid’s going to have pride in spades and he thinks a sibling will humble them (and make them less lonely). He’s also afraid of that prideful wrath and doesn’t want two prideful little demons always fighting

Isn’t the best with dressing up his kid but likes to give them fancy shoes. The shoes are always on point even if the rest of the outfit is a disaster.

Is 100% ready to receive any and everything “#1 Dad” because he IS, DAMN IT. He’ll use it regularly, too.

Mammon

He’s freaking out hardcore (”You sure? Really, really sure? Maybe you just have gas or something. Y-yeah!”)

Doesn’t believe it until he sees a test. Promptly faints. Dead-ass faints as soon as he sees it.

Kind of remembers it when he wakes up, and you have to remind him again.

This time he’s pretty excited because THE GREAT MAMMON will be having a child. WHAT A GIFT, RIGHT? THE BEST GIFT!

All the magazines are snapping up this gossip and, for once in his life, he puts the earnings away. Kid has a nice fund going before they’re even born.

His schedule is 50% work, 50% family because YOUR MAIN MAN HAS TO BE THERE. Work just pays the bills and pads the nursery account, okay?

The Devildom has something similar to a baby shower and Mammon puts all KINDS of high-dollar shit on there. His baby’s going to be stylin’, okay?

Some crying in front of others, but an entirely different kind of crying behind closed doors. Vulnerable, grateful crying about being loved and having a tiny someone who will love him, too

Pays someone to explain baby stuff to him. How to change them, feed them, what type of breathing you should be doing. It surprised his bros because Lucifer could just give him that info. The fact that Mammon paid for it means he’s pretty serious about learning.

Gets tons of free maternity photos because all his magazines want the scoop. He gets to pamper you and see you all dressed up and beautiful and EVERY magazine has a shot of him crying like a proud sap.

Mammon hoards all of those pictures. Has a pile of them in his room, totally separate from everything else.

Has a lot of nervous energy and can get frustrated with all the baby books, so he distracts himself with scrap-booking. Surprisingly good at it.

Mammon thinks you’re just the most beautiful thing ever. He loves taking pictures of you. Wants the kid to have no doubts about how much he loves them and their parent.

He’s so lovesick. When you sleep or hug your belly or just touch it he melts.

Stacks Grimm on your belly when you sleep. Thinks it’s fun. Likes to record how big the towers get.

Not the best at getting up for your random-hour cravings and has definitely made you cry with his bluntness. When he’s more awake he’ll apologize and you guys will work it out.

When he finds out he’s having a little boy, the bros throw a party. Mammon gets semi-drunk and has a huge, ass-chewing lecture about how the bros made him feel for centuries and how they better not say ANYTHING like that to his kid.

You shot down any and all attempts to name the kid anything money related.

Almost passed out when you had the baby.

Cried when he first held him. Calls him Mamm-mini.

Totally planning the baby’s first photo shoot. Has people on standby to make matching outfits.

He now has a partner in crime and the kid can charm the pants off of anyone!

Mammon is 100% devoted to this kid and he secretly hopes he’s the favorite parent.

Lives for any second of bonding he can get. NEEDS IT TO LIVE. 100% a sappy dad.

The most supportive dad, always saying nice things because he knows people didn’t always say nice things about him.

Levi

Brain stops working. You almost think you’ve given him a heart attack

Levi feels you take the controller from his hand and instantly has to fill it with something else, taking yours. He looks at you and asks you again if you’re sure.

He can see it in your eyes and he just crows. He doesn’t know if he’s excited or scared but he made the noise.

Worries A LOT about the idea of becoming a father. Can gross otakus be good fathers? How does he dad?

Gets pre-stressed about social interactions. Kids have to go to school and have play-dates and Levi’s going to have to talk to people...ugh! Gross!

Definitely has a few break-downs (feelings of inadequacy, etc.) before Lucifer or Satan comfort him. He’s better than he thinks, just insecure. Everyone learns as they go. They have classes (”They’re like cheat codes, Levi.”) and it makes him feel better

His gaming friends send their congratulations and he gets lots of themed blankets and onesies.

Wants you to have a water birth because the water is his child’s calling. Really attached to the idea.

He’s constantly looking up guides to baby-proofing, double- and triple-checking safety specs of anything before buying it.

Spends HOURS scouring Akuzon, comparing brands, and reading reviews for everything.

Akuzon noticed he was buying lots of baby books and looking at baby-related things so they sent him a onesie.

You get a lovely beach/water-themed maternity shoot and Levi is so love-struck he gets a nosebleed. Once he’s cleaned up it makes a darling photo shoot.  

Has already made lists of anime for the kid to watch. Some are his favorite, some are for the lessons and moments that stuck with him

Asmo messaged TSL on the down-low and Levi got some quality kid-sized merch.

Tries to get you to name the baby Henry if it’s a boy. When he finds out it’s a girl, he pushes for Henrietta.

Reads TSL to the baby and plays ocean sounds.

As you get further along in your pregnancy, he buys a fridge for his room and stocks it with your favorite cold stuff. Any snack foods are just added to his stash.

You are absolutely worshipped. Craving something? Akuzon has it and the fastest pig is on it’s way. Your feet hurt? Try a water bath!

You’re his Player 2 now and forever (always have been), and he’s keeping you in perfect health.

Probably keeps a video journal for the kid or of the two of you during your pregnancy. Big on preserving stuff digitally.

Probably makes a game for his kid just because. They’ll be able to play it when they’re older.

Bought a ton of Magical Girl-style hairbows and things for when their hair grows in. His daughter’s a fucking princess, okay?

Belphegor bought the baby a goldfish onesie and Levi loves it to pieces.

Bought the baby a seashell bassinet and rocks them to sleep with his tail.

Levi has a bad sleep schedule and wakes easily, so he’s usually the first one to get up and handle the baby.

He has this complex about being a good dad. People can call him a weird, gross otaku but they’re ALSO going to mention how good of a dad he is!

Super affectionate with his kid in a quiet, whispering, mumbling way. Just thinks they’re the best thing.

Having a daughter really makes him rethink some of the ways he viewed anime characters and made him super critical. If his daughter ends up liking anime he’ll make it very clear what he thinks and how she shouldn’t let other people treat her like an object. 

His demon form gets triggered REALLY EASILY if his bros hold her for too long. THAT’S HIS BABY, THANK YOU!

Satan

Secretly hoped to be a father one day. Wanted to prove so badly that he could be one, and move past the constant fear of his temper looming over him. He didn’t want wrath to be his only legacy.

Can’t manage more than a genuine smile and a lilting laugh when you tell him, but he’s literally almost sick with joy. He’s just not the type to jump from the rooftops or anything

Asmodeus and Mammon convince him into drinking because he needs to let loose and really show it!

Satan ends up drunk-stumbling to Lucifer and plunking his head into his chest and crying. He’s crying because he’s happy and mumbling something about ‘granddad’. When his tears dry he’s happy as can be, smugly calls Lucifer an ‘old fuck’ and promptly throws up.

They’re past most of their bad blood but even Lucifer wasn’t surprised Satan never got EVERYTHING out of his system. A lot of his childhood memories are tainted with pure wrath instead of coming into his cardinal sin through some other mean. Or naturally, like puberty.

Between his personal research and Lucifer’s expertise, the baby-proofing is totally covered.

His book binges are strictly about pregnancies, suspicions, rituals, parenting, and anything he can think of that has to do with kids.

He’s big on teas and brews that are supposed to help with pregnancies and pains. Uses his many connections to get ingredients for said teas

Reads the classics and big epics to his unborn child.

Buys you some Hellcats for protection. They’re fiercely loyal, so he’ll know you’re safe.

He’d be the type to nag you about your diet, but not to be mean. He’d support it with this absolute WALL of evidence that turns into a lecture that could last for hours.

Has to fight the Hellcats to sit next to you or touch your belly a lot more than he thought he would. He’d never say it out loud, but he’s starting to hate the cats (he doesn’t mean it though).

Starts cleaning up his book piles a lot more. The baby would get hurt if the stacks fell on them. His room becomes virtually spotless.

You pick books to read together. You end up reading Satan to sleep, too. He keeps a hand on your belly.

Gets nervous about you wanting to go out, and basically tries to keep you in the House of Lamentation. Relents a little because hormones make you scary. He was basically afraid of nothing because the walks were fine.

You like to sit in the Devildom gardens and he thinks you look picturesque and wonderful. It takes his breath away.

Asmodeus is your personal photographer because Satan doesn’t think anyone else will do you justice.

Finds out you’re having boy-girl twins and totally shuts down. What does he say? How does he respond? BELPHIE OR BEEL WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE TWINS! WHY HIM?!

Lucifer is BEYOND amused. This is definitely payback for everything Satan did in his childhood (so the saying goes).

It doesn’t bother him as much when he starts buying smart little cardigans, button-ups, ribbons, and bowties. He’s actually quite happy.

The Hellcats act weird and tip him off to your contractions before your water breaks. Satan gets you to the hospital and helps you give birth. The twins grow to look more like him than you, but if someone mistakes you for the nanny or says something derogatory, he’s pulling two ferocious kids off an idiot

Satan was afraid he’d be a short fuse, but he becomes the parent that explains everything to death (for better or worse). The kids will get a lecture when they’re bad, when the ask ‘why’ to something, he’ll explain why he gave the punishment he did, and be very clear with anything.

Asmodeus

Quickly falls in love with the idea of you being pregnant. It’s the best! Proof of his truest love, the thing that makes his heart beat!

He loved you to pieces before you were pregnant, and loves you even more now (if that’s possible).

Always wants to be with you, smothering your belly with kisses and touches and looking at it like it’s the next greatest love of his life

Takes names very seriously. “My child is a gift unto this world. People will know their name, so it has to be a good one!”

Gets really wrapped up in decor and aesthetic. He’d be a one-man force for all of it if you didn’t tell him to stop and breathe! Asmodeus just has lots of ideas, okay?

Has a really hard time understanding the value of baby-proofing until Satan smushes a few of his lipsticks in his hand and knocks around some finishing powder (”Now imagine that. All the time. With anything you love.”). 

Hires someone to baby-proof the room because that’s just not his thing. He’ll handle securing the valuables, okay?

Constantly reading about beauty rituals and things to do for his pregnant wife. She’s doing something really hard and deserves to be pampered!

You’ll constantly be pampered or trying ‘this and that’ because he read it was good for the baby. Good for beauty, good for health, etc.

Has a pretty decent diet, himself, and keeps you on yours.

You definitely have pregnancy sex a few times. Anything he can do to help you out, you know?

Asmodeus ADORES watching you grow round with his child and LIVES for helping you take care of yourself. He’ll let you lounge in his fantastic tub and has no issues sitting on the floor and doing your toes

Picks out all your outfits. Wants you to look your best! Don’t worry, you’ll be comfy!

When he finds out you’re having a girl he cries. A lot.

SO MANY BABY UPDATE BROADCASTS ON DEVILGRAM! There is an official ‘baby watch’. It’s trending more than you thought it would.

Takes TONS of videos.

His baby is easily the most fashionable child in all of Devildom.

Takes really candid, private photos that have a lot of sentimental value. A lot of your pregnancy photos are you looking comfy in bed or sitting at a vanity in breezy clothes as he does your makeup.

The type of dad to sit down in the middle of the store to play with toys (are they good enough for his kid? Like, really?). Must feel everything before he buys it. If he doesn’t like how it feels, he won’t buy it.

You end up giving birth earlier than planned and Asmo almost throws up because birth doesn’t look like he thought it would

Super nervous during your pregnancy because you’re in pain and there’s lots of noises.

Busies himself doing your makeup because that’s the only way he can handle the situation. You’re holding his tail and he SWEARS you’re going to break it off!

The bros help deliver his little angel and Asmo is SMITTEN. ABSOLUTELY SMITTEN.

Holding his baby 24/7.

Loses sleep just because he watches them sleep. Sometimes he loses sleep for real because DAMN, babies don’t sleep a lot, do they?

It’s really hard to adjust to and he’s surprised his skin isn’t god-awful.

Doesn’t regret a thing, fawning over their tiny nails and little curls, and OMG EVERYTHING! Cries a lot because they’re just perfect

His wardrobe reflects his dad status but he still looks like a DILF. You can give him the most classic dad attire and it just looks good on him.

Beelzebub

He’s excited about your pregnancy. Boy honestly tried for it, you know? Studied positions and everything.

Beelzebub has so much love and the idea of holding a tiny someone just warms his heart

Everything kid-related is totally foreign to him except for how to act with them. He and Belphie were the youngest so he was used to being taken care of until he got old enough to climb and eat on his own.

The type of guy to need explicit, step-by-step instructions on EVERYTHING. He doesn’t have a brain for it like Satan or Lucifer, so he needs help

Seriously. Give him a checklist for baby-proofing and he’ll get it done.

Gets pretty down about not being able to cuddle and snuggle like normal, but he’ll look into safe ways to do so.

Has special snuggles with the baby. Kisses your belly and rubs it. Talks to your baby like the little demon it is (even if it doesn’t have a name yet).

Lives for the times you talk to the baby, talk yourself out of bed, or how you absently talk to your belly throughout the day.

Works out to deal with stress and nerves, but also because he wants to be a good, strong dad

The doctors give him a list of exercises you can do and he does them with you

Can’t really take the nutrition advice seriously. He eats pretty much everything and you probably will, too.

When people ask him about your pregnancy, he uses very inclusive language (”We’re expecting, etc.”)

You make mini-dates out of your late-night cravings. Beel is totally in love with it.

Beelzebub becomes your food finder. There’s been times where you look at him so cutely, so imploringly, and all you can manage is ‘spicy and crunchy’. He’ll find you something, don’t worry! He’s an expert!

Big on massages and cuddling. Likes to cup his hands over your belly and trace it.

The type of dad to gain weight with you as your pregnancy moves along. Becomes soft, strong dad.

Finds out you’re having twin boys and has the happiest crying session ever. Belphie is the first to know and all Beel can say is ‘Just like us!’ as he nearly crushes his twin to death.

Likes to dress them in cute and comfy clothes. Animal onesies? Yes!

At some point yours twins are going to look like hotdogs and hamburgers. There’s no shortage of food costumes thanks to Levi, Asmo, and Beel.

Suspicious about baby food, bugs Satan about how nutritious it is, and tries all of it just to be sure.

Some of their teething toys look like real food. Beelzebub ate one on accident.

Is a perfect gentle giant. Afraid of hurting them, for they are tiny and precious, but gets over that pretty quickly.

Always wants to cuddle and hold them. You have to make him leave them alone to sleep. Gets kind of sad when they’re napping because he can’t make faces at them or hear them laugh. Right back to his usual self when they wake up, though.

You best believe they learn their alphabet by studying food. Beelzebub will stand in the kitchen and dig through the pantry until he finds things that match the letters of the alphabet 

Belphegor

He’s kind of surprised you ended up pregnant because the sex is usually lazy and casual. Yes, he has the moments where it’s pretty hardcore, but...wow. For some reason, he just didn’t see you getting pregnant.

Secretly hopes you have more than one kid. Something in him would just be happy if there’s more than one kid. You think it comes from the time he spent alone in the attic but never say it.

Sleeps a lot more. Not out of avoidance or anything, but because naps will be rare in the future. He likes to think he’s stockpiling sleep.

Makes sure you’re comfy at all times.

Would love for you to sleep and be cozy but apparently that’s not healthy for humans, so he takes easy walks around the house and keeps you semi-active.

He’ll give you his cow pillow to use as a back pillow. It’s his way of letting the baby use it until he can share it with them.

Listens to a lot of audiotapes about parenting. Looks at books, too, but does better with audio. 

Reads a new bedtime story to your kid every night.

Sometimes you guys sleep in the star room so he can talk to them about constellations. They can’t see anything, of course, but he still goes into detail.

Isn’t much of a picture person and doesn’t see the point in taking maternity pictures. It’s actually because Belphie has a photographic memory so he remembers everything.

The bros force him into taking maternity pictures.

The type to journal everything. He writes a big-ass, super-detailed diary for the baby.

Is kind of worried about his temperament, so he’ll take some classes on how to handle stress and stuff before the babies arrive

Becomes King of Lists. There’s lists for everything. Lists help. Lists are good.

When he finds out you’re having triplets (a boy and two girls), he doesn’t know how to react. You saw him smile though. It doesn’t sink in until you’re hugging him. “I’m never sleeping again,” he realizes with absolute terror.

Beelzebub is super excited. “That’s twins plus a bonus!”

Very snobby about the nursery decor. Also very tactile like Asmodeus. If it doesn’t feel good, it’s not going in the nursery.

Wants a barn-themed nursery (to include as many cow-related things as possible)

You get the comfiest PJs.

With three kids, he lives by embroidery. He has to have a way to tell them apart, after all (the girls, at least).

Can’t hoard the babies but wants to. Hates that he doesn’t have enough arms to hold them all at the same time.

Is very interested by their tendency to hold each other and nap together. Finds it super adorable.

Makes a super-sized crib he can climb in and sleep with them. It’s basically a Belphie-sized bed with little attachments his kids sleep in. Separates them all just enough so he doesn’t worry about hurting them, but there’s still contact

Thanks whatever god exists that they mostly stay on a schedule together. Makes it stressful for changing diapers, but very fun to feed them.

Almost dies laughing when Lucifer holds them for the first time because one vomited on him, the other sneezed in his face, and one pooped so much it got on his pants leg.

Lulls them to sleep with his happy purr, and gets woken up from a dead sleep by pure love when they make the sound back. Suddenly there’s three chirpy purrs rolling against him and he’s in love.

Proud they love their mama so much (to the point of being TOTAL mama’s kids), but also kind of relieved he can breathe.

The three trade off occasionally when they realize he’s free real estate and come to him for snuggles. They all love him so he doesn’t mind.

This house supports cuddle piles! Belphie got them hooked on group naps for a young age and they sleep together now. 

Hope you liked it :)

[peachwritesstuff]

Jojo's Love Languages

hi guys! guess who's back with another headcanon thingie! this wasn't requested or anything, just kinda thought about it! If you don't know what the 5 love languages is, your love language is basically how you show love to your partner, or how you wish to be shown love by your partner! I will be doing both today on all the joestars (1-7, im a gappy kinny but I can't write for him it sucks.) If you want more info on the love languages, here's the link to the website! https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ . This is a gender neutral headcanon, so imagine whoever you want, even you! ~peach

p.s. lemme know if you like this and i'll make a jobro version!

warnings: some spoilers (mostly for part 3, 5 and 6), some angst, mega cheese filth.

Jonathan

Giving~

Jonathan is both Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service.

Jonathan tells his S/O how much he cares for them all the time, how much he loves them, how much they mean to him. He's a sweet man, he's gotta tell them how special they are 24/7.

His other way of showing love is Acts of Service, protecting them, doing anything he can for them, getting things they need, if his S/O needs anything he is up and out the door immediately. If his S/O is in trouble he doesn't hesitate, he is immediately there for them and doing whatever he can for them.

Receiving~

Jonathan loves Quality Time and Physical Touch.

He loves to spend time with his S/O! Going on walks, sitting by the river, sitting by the fire and just talking. He just loves it when they both have the time for each other, it makes him feel special, it makes his heart beat so damn fast you have no idea.

Jonathan loves hugs, cuddles, hand holding, you name it. If they place their hand on his cheek when he's having a bad time, he just immediately melts, he likes feeling safe in his S/O's hands. Sometimes a savior needs to feel safe too.

Joseph

Giving~

Joseph is Receiving Gifts.

Joseph says he loves them a lot, but it's not really the type that say Jonathan would say it. Joseph is more into gift giving to show his love. He's kind of a show off and likes to show off how much money he has but in all honesty, he loves showing that he cares and that he listens by randomly buying something nice for his S/O that they didn't ask him for. Then he will probably gift them with a few kisses and some dinner or just a nice night!

Receiving~

Joseph loves Physical Touch.

Like Jonathan, a protector needs to feel protected as well!

He loves when he comes back home to them and lying in bed, talking about his day while they're lying on his chest, running their hands through his hair. It makes this generally on edge man feel at ease.

He also loves PDA and loves when his S/O shows everyone around them how much they love him, hand holding, hanging on his arm, kisses, hugs, it makes him feel amazing.

Jotaro

Giving~

Jotaro is Acts of Service.

Jotaro doesn't show love as much as he feels love, how you can know that he really loves someone is Acts of Service.

Jotaro will go out of his way to help out his S/O, wether it's little things like helping them reach something on a high shelf, helping them move something, or big things like rescuing them from dangerous situations.

They might get a "Yare Yare Daze" from him after any of these, but he doesn't mean anything bad by it, he's just trying to keep his composure, but he really does love his S/O and would drop everything to help.

Receiving~

Jotaro loves Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

I know this is weird, but hear me out for a second.

Jotaro has a lot of trauma, from losing his friends, to losing his memory, he's got a lot going on in the PTSD department.

Having his S/O there to tell him how much they love him and that they're proud of him makes him feel a little less lonely with dealing with all of it. He loves hearing that he is loved.

He might not sound like it, but he loves it when his S/O kisses him or holds his hand or cuddles up against him. He will dip his hat down or turn his head to hide his blush, gotta keep his manly composure. He will sometimes plant kisses on their head when cuddling or holding hands or when they're sleeping. He wants them to know that he loves them in the most non vocal way possible.

Josuke

Giving~

Josuke is Quality Time and Physical Touch.

This boy is always taking his S/O out to dates or inviting his S/O over!

When him and his S/O go out together he likes taking them for walks, just talking about their days, going to get some drinks from Kameyu and walking by the ocean, or just sitting in the grass at the park and just looking up at the sky with eachother.

He loves inviting his S/O over to watch movies or play video games too! (most of the time he gets his ass beat, but that just makes him fall even harder!)

Josuke is the type of guy to yawn and sneakily wrap his arm around his S/O's shoulder and pull them in close. He will usually plant cute quick kisses on their lips or cheeks or place his head on their shoulder. He just likes holding his S/O close to him, especially when they're upset, making them feel better is what he's good at!

Receiving~

Josuke loves Quality Time and Physical Touch.

It's basically the same as giving for him, he loves his S/O showing these forms of love to him!

He loves when his S/O can spend time with him (mostly the things I mentioned in Giving)

He likes when his S/O shows him they love him by touching him, holding his hands, kissing him, cuddling up to him while they're playing games or watching movies together. Again, basically what I mentioned before!

Giorno

Giving~

Giorno is Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation.

Giorno isn't the most vocal of people, but he loves his S/O dearly and wants to show how much they really do mean to him!

He isn't the best at giving gifts, but you know what the easiest thing is to give, flowers!

He will find out their favorite flower and when they're upset he will give them a little flower, either placing it in their hand or putting it in their hair. Sometimes when maybe a special event comes up he gives them a bouquet, every one of them different from the rest, even leaving a little sweet note with it.

He also uses his words, again, he's not the most vocal of people, but he will still tell his S/O how much they mean to him and how much he loves them and how great they look! Usually keeping it simple in person, but getting a lot more deep with poems or letters (even though he's not very good at them).

Receiving~

Giorno loves Words of Affirmation.

Sometimes, Giorno can doubt himself a lot, so his S/O telling him how amazing he is and how good he's doing and how much they love him is all he needs!

His life is hard, with losing his friends and his home life being weird in the past it can be hard for him to think on the bright side of things and think about himself in a good way, so his S/O telling him good things about him to remind him is always amazing to him. This is how he feels loved.

Jolyne

Giving~

Jolyne is all five.

Now, I know this is strange but let me go through all of them!

Words of Affirmation - Jolyne will tell her S/O all the time that she loves them. Unlike her father, she's very vocal about a lot of things, yeah somethings she will probably say something while they're both joking around or when she's frustrated, but she wants her S/O to know she still loves them! She is vocal about her love towards her partner.

Acts of Service - They need something from the store, she's on it, they need protection, she's on it, they need her to tell someone on the internet off, oh she's there before you even ask! She will do anything for her S/O, she has a little bit of trust issues from Romeo, but she knows that her current S/O means her no harm (as long as they don't make her bury a body-).

Receiving Gifts - Jolyne loves showering her S/O with gifts, even if it's little things like candy! Especially when her S/O is sad, she will take them to the nearest drug store and pick them up anything they want!

Quality Time - Jolyne always loves spending time with her partner! She loves building pillow forts and watching movies, having her S/O falling asleep in the middle of the movie, so cute! She doesn't really like going out to eat, so she would probably just get food delivered, when they order food they usually swap who gets to choose the food that night, but if her S/O is having a bad day she will let them choose.

Physical Touch - Jolyne doesn't show physical too much, not really big gestures, but like Josuke she does the little things like placing her arm on their shoulder and pulling them into her on the couch and giving them little kisses on the cheeks and lips!

Receiving~

Jolyne loves Quality Time and Physical Touch.

Like before, Jolyne loves spending time with her S/O and gets pretty sad when her S/O isn't around, so if they ever go out of town you bet your ass they're getting the best night of their life. Movies, food, make out sesh, living the dream baby!

Just because Jolyne isn't the best at touching doesn't mean she doesn't like it! She loves when her S/O is sweet on her! Gives her kisses, cuddles up against her, random hugs, god she loves it so so much! She gets all blushy and they get a "Yare Yare Dawa" from her, but she doesn't hesitate to hug and kiss back.

Johnny

Giving~

Johnny is Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

Even though Johnny is paralyzed that does not mean he can't protect his S/O! He's such a stubborn man he would hop on Slow Dancer right away to protect his S/O or get them something.

Johnny is awkward, but he will still show love by doing little things, like small kisses or hand holding, he's hesitant at first, just because, again, he's awkward, but he will eventually get there, you know, with his face bright red while he's doing it.

Receiving~

Johnny loves Words of Affirmation.

Johnny has had not a great past, he regrets all the ways he acted when he was a teen and still regrets all of it and still feels like a horrible person.

When his S/O tells him that he's not a bad person and that they love him and they care about him and that he's perfect he falls for them again. He hates remembering the past, so his S/O being there makes him feel loved and lets him forget how he once was.

Thank you so much for reading! If you want to be added to the tag list dm me! Love you all!

[boop-le-snoot]

If life gives you melons...

Ship: Loki x F!alt! reader

Rating: Explicit / word count 5,5k

Summary: You've heard about meet-cute, how about meet-ugly? Reader has tattoos and a tongue split. There's this joke that "bisexual alt girls go looking for a girlfriend and end up with sad, tall and skinny white bois" and boy did that hit home. Inspired by this cringy video of Hiddles [youtube link].

During a panel at a comic con, Loki notices reader and they go on a date, reader gets railed: top!Loki, choking, rough sex, unprotected sex, all the good stuff. Open ending, with a bonus of reader and Loki pranking Clint.

x. I usually fancy they/them pronouns for Loki but seeing as it's a smut-shot, I decided to go along with he/him for the sake of simplicity. Loki's at least 6'4 tall and you can fight me on that. Also, I write like a Tony stan - I feel the need to apologize to Loki stans for that. I love you guys! 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

The long line of people appeared to be neverending. Loki was an enhanced, as the government recently had adopted a politically correct term for Earth's non-human inhabitants, but even his enhanced endurance had begun waning due to sheer amount of people wanting a piece of memorabilia signed by The God of Mischief. Loki had gained a considerable amount of fans after doing his part in killing the mad titan Thanos and by extension, saving the world. It turned out, humankind was a sucker for a good redemption arc.

Loki's hands ached where they wrapped around the pen that he'd been using for nearly 4 hours to neatly place his name, written in neat runescript, on various pieces of merchandise that his fans (and wasn't that a strange thing!) presented to him. He used to think that he would have actually succeeded conquering the earth if he had a grasp on how to use social media and his charm; now, he just wanted the torture to end. An involuntary sigh left his mouth when he saw another print of himself in full battle gear being placed in front of him by a reasonably attractive young woman.

"Um, thank you," She stammered, giggling softly, and Loki spared her a painstaking smile, scribbling his name once again. The woman briefly caught his eyes. "Um, you're the reason- the inspiration for me. I became a stripper."

Loki blanked, feeling his eyes widen and blink on their own accord a few times. He wasn't sure if he heard the woman correctly, as the unusual statement made his brain freeze.

Loud snickering from behind the blushing woman interrupted the system error that he was experiencing in his head. It wasn't often that somebody managed to render him speechless. It looked like whoever was in line behind the stripper woman had taken advantage of that. Loki's eyes snapped to the short-haired person, who looked torn between cringing and breaking into embarrassed laughter.

The stripper left without a word, and as Loki picked up the cursed writing instrument once again, the short-haired person smiled at him kindly. "That was a little weird," They snorted, "And thanks, have a nice day Mr. Loki."

"When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic," Another woman, that appeared to be the short haired person's friend, deadpanned and gave a cynical side-eye to the departing stripper. Loki heard snickering coming from the short-haired person and quietly joined himself. The woman noticed it, winking at him as she collected the newly signed t-shirt. "Bye," She smiled kindly.

It was a split second decision, really. Something about the cheeky way she addressed the situation sparked Loki's interest. "Wait, you forgot something, darling," His baritone called out to the departing woman. She turned around, confused, and hastily grabbed the standard issue photo that he was holding out to her. With a final grateful nod, she smiled and left.

If Loki's smile had returned for the time being, none of his teammates made any remarks on it. Only his brother, Thor, gave a couple of knowing looks to the Asgardian sorcerer.

The woman in question didn't think twice about the photo that she stashed in her backpack along with the signed t-shirt. The Comic-Con had been full of people and the lines were unfairly long. The sheer exhaustion after attending a 3-day long convention had set in and she was eager to simply come home back to her apartment and crash on the nearest soft flat surface. Upon arrival, she did exactly that, flopping down gracelessly on the couch, her backpack landing next to her with a careless thud.

Unloading her trophies was a short time affair: a single white tee with a dozen signatures on it, written in what she hoped was waterproof Sharpie; one mug, shaped like an Iron Man helmet; one poster, showing Spider-Man on a picturesque NYC horizon and a signed photo of one Loki. Strangely enough, she did not remember requesting it - not that she was complaining. Free merch was free merch.

The front side wasn't signed whatsoever. Overcome by curiousity, she turned it around. A phone number was written on the back of it, the handwriting neat and the letters obviously being inked out by a thinner, more sophisticated pen than the one Loki had used for scribbling on the tee. The woman gaped silently, not believing her eyes. Did Loki himself had given her his phone number?

One margarita and a hefty helping of Chinese takeout later, the numbers persisted staring back at her mutely, the neat cursive being almost mocking in its quiet. The woman's smartphone had found a comfortable place right next to the photo, equally mum regarding the unusual situation.

An additional margarita was needed to gather the courage required to actually type out the number in the receiver box. Fruity alcoholic concoction in one hand and phone clutched in the other, the woman's eyes squeezed shut tightly as soon as the dreaded "Hey, got your number today! :)" read delivered. She'd typed and erased the message several times, groaning in embarrassment. How the hell does one approach an alien god?

"Hello! May I ask your name?" The response came after a brief moment - a moment the woman had suffered through by taking too haste sips of her drink, her common since screaming her to not overdo it and wait at least a full minute before replying. Everything felt awkward and misplaced.

In no time, she was sending the screenshots of the conversation to her girl-advice group chat that consisted of her closest friends. Chatting with Loki turned out to be surprisingly easy and he was great at upholding conversation, something that couldn't be said about all those Tinder matches she had had back in the day.

Even if using proper grammar during a text message conversation was something she had to reacquaint herself with, she was glad he wasn't just another boring, shalllow, condescending-ass white boy. Despite the cultural differences and his lack of knowledge of things like pop culture and music - something he said he was working on since New Asgard became a sovereign state on Earth - they bonded over music and tattoos and generally being rebellious against society's standarts.

The invitation to dinner didn't come as a surprise for the woman. She agreed happily, looking forward to continue their conversation outside of the internet - if Loki's part of the chat was anything to go by, not only was he charming, but also quite intelligent. And easy on the the eyes, too. They had traded selfies at some point and the Asgardian didn't look any worse in a hoodie and sweatpants than he did in his battle leathers. Loki had appeared to truly have had integrated into Earth's society.

The night of the date, the continuous text exchange did very little to calm her nerves. Loki texted as much as an overeager teenage boy: every now and then he would double-text and grossly overreact to her sending a simple meme. In fact, he smugly conveyed the fact he'd single-handedly started a meme war between the Avengers and even Steve was forced to participate; something that was, allegedly, out of character for the blonde man.

She didn't mind. Not like she had many friends to have so much fun with. Even if it took her twice the time to do her favourite eyeliner style, it was worth it. She hoped Loki would appreciate the bold, but classy make-up and the dress and shoes combo that accentuated her assets. Her date expressed curiousity about her tattoos and the difference between her preferred style and the humans he spent most time with. She guessed secret agents were not particularly fond of anything that made them memorable so she held out quite the hope for... Showing off some of her tattoos in a more private setting.

In other, simpler words, the woman came in prepared for both a friendly, leisurely stroll and a quality night. Either way, it would be a time well spent.

Loki's shiny, raven hair was impossible to miss as he towered over the rest of the people waiting by the restaurant's entrance. He wore tailored black trousers and a simple cashmere sweater, perfect for the evening's damp, cool air. Tall and lithe, Loki was mouthwateringly handsome.

"Come here often?" She wormed her way through the crowd, causing the man to smirk down at her. Her cheeks flared from the tiny gesture alone.

"Just waiting for a friend," Loki uttered lowly, extending an arm towards the woman, which she gracefully accepted as they made way towards the entrance. "Reservation for Loki," The Asgardian stated to the hostess, who, after a rapid doube-take, led them to a private, secluded area in the back of the restaurant.

Loki shouldered the slightly awkward interaction with grace, paying no mind to the girl. His focus was solely on his date and he was nothing but gallant as he took the woman's purse and held out the chair for her to comfortably sit down. As a prince, he was taught well, she mused.

"Usually I would ask 'what brings you to our little ball of water and dirt?' but I think we can skip that part," The woman stated with a sheepish grin, idly flicking through the menu and curiously eyeing the items that were unfamiliar. The desire to try something new fought with the possibility of accidentally ordering something too far out - like snails or other things that rich people fancied, for some reason.

Loki's greens briefly appeared over the top of his menu, grateful and sparkling. "I think it's best if we do just that," For a second, he looked away, before returning to the menu. "I can think of better things to discuss. I recall you didn't finish telling me about that college friend of yours, who was an anarchist... I'm dying to know..."

The waiter came and went, barely noticed by the pair, as they both poked at something that sounded the most familiar for both of them. Stoically, Loki admitted that Tony Stark did the booking for him and the woman reluctantly acquitted she wasn't very familiar with upscale establishments, being of middle-class background and working a middle-class job.

Interrupting the story she began telling hours ago, the woman took the time to point out the things she was familiar with on the menu and advised Loki to stay away from - like the aforementioned snails, and other things, slimy and salty things that she considered to be 'disgusting but rich people liked it for some reason'. The conversation slowly progressed into Loki telling her the mischief he got up to at the feasts Odin threw. The Asgardian shared the woman's disregard for influential people doing gross things to show off.

The food was good - it was really hard to miss with a traditional Italian lasagna - and seeing Loki shovel an obscene amount of food was an experience, but she didn't comment on it, tactful enough to consider his alien biology might have different dietary requirements that her human one. It was great, really, that she could order dessert and not feel guilty about it.

The gelato melted in her mouth like sweet ecstasy and she moaned with her next bite, only partly aware of how obscene really was the noise.

Loki's hand stuttered on it's way to his mouth. Wide-eyed, he stared at her lips, at her mouth, where her tongue lapped up the small drops of dessert from the spoon. "Why the split tongue?" The Asgardian finally gathered his wits, having had a good look of what he was sure was a trick of the eye at first.

She grinned, acutely aware of the effect that particular body modification had on men. "I like being different. I embrace the weird." She giggled, not at all ashamed, sticking out her tongue and wiggling both parts of it teasingly.

Loki's Adam's apple bobbed; "Weird?" He raised his eyebrow, fighting to maintain his previous cool composure.

She nodded. "Weird," She retorted coyly. "I usually don't divulge the details at least until the third date. Wouldn't want to scare my potential suitors off," The playful wink was the proverbial cherry on top. He was hooked, his eyes darkened, following the plump arch of her lips as she took another spoonful of the treat and savoured it, closing her eyes for a brief moment.

It was pornographic.

"Obviously, Midgardians don't know what's good for them," Loki scoffed in his usual bored monotone, fully aware of how fitful his attempt to conceal his excitement was. He sounded needy even to his own ears.

"And you do?" She pushed away the empty plate, chastely patting her mouth with a napkin. The raised eyebrow and the little smirk spoke volumes.

The grin he wore was hardly anything but feral; he asked for the waiter's assistance by flicking his wrist in an impatient fashion. Once the bill was paid and the woman's cardigan found its rightful place on her shoulders, Loki once again took hold of her arm, this time holding her smaller body against his larger one, taking care to slow down and keep his strides shorter.

She found the coolness of his presence refreshing in the moist, heavy air of the New York city.

"Where to, milady?" Loki asked her, looking down at the woman fondly.

"My place is a block away. Walk me, good sir?" She gave a delightfully easy smile in return.

He nodded, letting her lead the way, allowing himself to get a little bit lost in their shared presence, a little bubble of them in the middle of a busy city. It was as if someone had quickly turned down the volume of the honking cars and noisy pedestrians around them, leaving the soft breeze and the sun slowly descending below the skyscrapers. It felt far too short, partaking in the comfortable silence together, skin tingling under the thin layers of cloth where they were touching.

The sun was trapped in the strands of her hair as she smiled at him from her doorway, worrying her lip between her teeth. It was a bittersweet moment.

"A kiss good night for the good sir?" She asked hopefully, eyes darting between his face and his mouth.

Loki obliged, resting his palm flat on the door frame, towering over the woman as he gently slotted his thin, cool lips against her warm ones. The woman stood on her tippy toes, eager, placing a hand on his chest. The pair melted into the kiss - it had no business being this mind-blowing, brain-freezing for two people that have not met until that very day. The woman didn't refuse when Loki probed with his tongue, requesting entrance to her mouth; she licked into his own with fervor, fisting her hands in the soft fabric of his sweater.

With the hand that was free, Loki pulled the woman flush with himself, feeling the heat of her start a fire of its own inside of him. Her breathing rapid, the gesture only served to tighten her hold on his sweater, until a soft, barely audible moan slipped into his mouth, causing his brain to quickly reassess the situation.

Regretfully, Loki pulled away, clearing his throat. "Perhaps we should take this elsewhere," He meaningfully looked at the array of doors around them.

"I thought you'd never ask," She retorted with a fond eyeroll, tightening the grip on his sweater once more, to pull him inside her apartment and shut the door behind her. The awkward moments were few and in between; neither knew who reached for the other first, mashing their mouths with less grace than before, clutching at the other's arms and hips with hunger.

This time, Loki didn't hold back his own muted groans of satisfaction, shivering when the woman's hands snuck under his sweater and the simple tank top he wore underneath. Blunt nails scraped along his abs.

Step by step, she pushed him further inside her apartment, determined in her small quick strides. There was no mistake of their destination; no mistake in her desire: she was as hungry and as impatient as him. The crease between his eyebrows deepened, long arms extending to unzip the top of her dress to reveal a simple but tasteful black lacy bra covering her breasts. The woman barely noticed the action, stepping out of her dress as soon as it hit the floor.

He admired her. Inches of soft skin covered by intricate ink, some patterns bizarre and complicated, some beautiful in their simplicity. Loki couldn't wait to find out about the meaning behind every one of them, to trace the lines with his tongue and sink his teeth into the heated flesh.

The hands that were holding onto him for dear life tugged on his sweater and he chose to simply vanish it, too preoccupied with looking at the view in front of him. She gasped and her eyes met his: uncanny, magnetic emeralds shone with magic and power and desire.

"Fuck," She more mouthed than said, walking backwards in a trance until her shins hit the bed.

Loki grinned, advancing on the panting woman with the grace of a predator. "Darling?" His tone was innocent; his expression was anything but. His large hand encompassesed the side of her face, thumb running over her bottom lip in a possessive gesture that had her squirming in her place. He loved the way she just melted into his touch.

Their lips met again, slower this time. The kiss was once again graceful and unrushed, allowing them to explore the softness of each other's skin, mapping the arches and valleys with gentle strokes of their palms. The broad expanse of Loki's back was uneven, riddled with scars and blemishes, and she mapped every single one, blunt nails raking down it as she pressed into him, arching into his hands where he held her.

The soft flesh of her ass, barely covered by a scrap of black lace, was shamelessly grabbed - the woman didn't doubt there would be marks left - letting her feel his arousal pressed against her belly, hard and twitching. She didn't resist her desire to ge handsy and palmed it, taking note of the gasp and the twitch coming from the man occupied with the clasp of her bra. In no time, it flew away, forgotten somwhere the very moment Loki's palms took over her breasts, running a careful thumb over each nipple.

"Fuck," She parroted her previous statement, equally breathy and considerably more aroused.

"That's the plan," Loki's chuckle was hoarse.

She huffed, biting her bottom lip before reaching out to swiftly pop the button of his trousers, smirking at the hiss the friction of her palm produced against his cock. It shouldn't have surprised her that Loki was a commando kind of guy, but still, she gasped, partially from the ministrations of his clever fingers, partially from the mouthwatering sight in front of her. The thick, flushed length made saliva gather in the corners of her mouth.

He must've heard the audible swallow. "Not so haste, darling," He tutted, giving her relaxed body a gentle push, causing her to land on her back, heated skin against the soft duvet of her bed. "Let me taste you," A thud; Loki had dropped to his knees, using his large palms to spread her legs, opening her up to his eyes.

If his previous work hadn't made her so pliant, so aroused, she'd have been rendered speechless; instead, the woman arched her back, presenting herself and the desire that had pooled down below. The Asgardian chuckled, fingertips soft against the scratchy lace.

"Tease," The woman moaned, outstretching her arm to guide him but quite unable to reach him. She had to settle for squirming in her place, receiving a fraction of the desired traction against her swollen lips.

"Am I, love?" Loki asked her sweetly, caving enough to dip a single finger to run along the outside of her slit. It glided easily thanks to all the moisture gathered there, lips parting easily before his touch. The panties were vanished away promptly, another finger joining in immediately to rub slow, precise circles around her clit.

She keened low and long, fisting the fabric in her hand until her knuckles turned white. Loki knew what he was doing. It didn't take him very long to slide his long digits to the welcoming heat of her opening, dipping them inside until she began to make the noises he so craved. His mouth followed after that, long agile tongue drawing senseless shapes on the inside of her labia and dipping deeper, where her clit stood out engorged and slick.

He could smell the bittersweet of her arousal, mouthwatering and hot.

"Loki, fuck," She moaned, only half-coherent and partially aware of her own hips following his every stroke, every flick. He only advanced, hitting that sweet spot inside her with every stroke; the sparks traveling up her spine quickened with each time she changed his name like a prayer. "Loki, Loki, Loki..."

He growled, attaching his mouth firmly to her clit, and she arched for the final time, coming undone, squeezing around his fingers and gushing in his mouth, the obscene sounds covered by her own scream of delight and his impatient growling. The growling that sent shivers of aftershocks throughout her body.

"Darling, you taste so sweet," Loki groaned, still panting.

She took the time to open her eyes: Loki looked comically out of place in her bedroom, he dwarfed her bed and made her feel small, but it didn't matter at all at that very moment. His erection stood out hard and proud; despite the leg-shaking orgasm just moments ago, she wanted more, she wanted to taste him, she wanted to feel him inside-

With unsurprising agility, one swift motion was all it took for her to rest comfortably against the pillows, his throbbing member resting against the juncture of her thigh. She tasted her own release on his lips, however brief, whispering a weak, "Please," aching to feel the emptiness.

"As my lady wishes," Loki's cool breath ghosted over her cheek. She waited with baited breath until the tip of his manhood breached her, exhaling a moan into his neck and immediately wrapping her lips around a patch of skin as he stretched her so sweet.

Loki's arms shook slightly as he waited for her to adjust. He kissed her, soft and sweet; there was something vulnerable in him, something as sweet as the ache he'd taken away. Once he began to move, slow and fluid, all there was left was an all-consuming need to feel. As graceful as dancer and with a deadly precision, Loki pounded gasps, moans and screams out of the woman's slack mouth, kisses turning hungrier and sloppier by the second.

"So sweet," He cooed, relishing in the snug grip of her cunt around him.

She only keened in approval, too far gone and unused to the intensity of the feelings from a man with centuries of practice and the power of a god.

His thrusts slowed gradually until he was rutting into her, grinding his pelvic bone into her clit. The gasps and screams turned into drawn-out, longing moans; her hips followed his, meeting in a slow, sensual motion.

Loki was not a patient man. He withdrew - she gasped in protest - flipping the woman over on her fours with ease, taking but a split second to admire the curve of her body presented on display for him. Just for him.

With that thought burning in his mind, Loki sheathed his cock deeply inside her spasming cunt. It was nearly unbearably stimulating and only his own desire to prolong the bliss held back his own impending orgasm. That, and his own ego; he was naught if not a generous lover.

She slurred something, quiet and incorrigible, fucking back onto his cock as eagerly as he was plunging into her heat. The hand he'd placed on her shoulder promptly wrapped around her throat in hopes of lifting her close enough for him to hear the words but instead, it sent a full-bodied shiver throughout her. Loki grinned, tugging her that much closer.

The arch in her back looked quite uncomfortable yet she didn't mind; it was the exact opposite, in fact, her cunt tightened around him, drenching his shaft down to his balls. Her fingernails dug into the flesh of his thigh, the sting of pain going straight to his cock-

"Loki, I'm gonna, I'm gonna-" She slurred, gasping for air.

He weakened his hold on her throat enough to let her gulp the so-needed oxygen. It was her undoing: was it the rapid pace of oxygenated blood traveling to her brain or was it his cock, mercilessly pounding against her g-spot - she was violently spasming around his cock, much like she did around his fingers not too long ago.

It felt like ages, her crescendo coming in waves with no signs of stopping any time soon. Loki's continuous thrusts, his hips slamming into hers, her skin feeling like molten lava.

"Gonna fill your sweet cunt with my seed," Loki moaned lowly, holding her up by the throat, the other hand leaving fingertip-shaped bruises on the outside of her hips. "Mark you from the inside out," His voice had gone into primal territory, growling filling up the room.

"Please..." The woman rasped, oversensitive.

And he pleased, with a series of sharp thrusts, he buried himself to the hilt in her, the force of his release making her shudder and moan once against, going limp in his arms. Loki kept her in her place until every drop was inside of her cunt. Nothing was sweeter than that.

The Asgardian didn't bother with getting under the covers to hold her, conjuring a soft, comfortable throw in modest green, to cover their nudity. He didn't need the extra warmth but his companion was by far more fragile and sensitive to these things- Loki's fingertips traced the array of bruises he'd left in the wake of their passion, expression surprised as he found the woman smiling.

"Feels nice," She supplied meekly, eyes half-lidded, face trusting and open towards him.

He gave a small grin in return, placing a chaste kiss atop her head. "Yes, it does, darling."

Time after time, she didn't expect much out if their date. The sex was nice, nice enough for both of them to want seconds and thirds after their rushed first time - but it wasn't like she expected him to hand around. It was a pleasant change from the usual mutual ghosting she'd done with her previous partners, but Loki had texted again and they had resumed their conversation via text like nothing had happened.

No, that would be incorrect. Now, she had a wonderful friend who was a great conversationalist and an even better lover. There was no pressure to put a label on their relationship so the woman didn't bother with it; it didn't seem like Loki cared about the label, either, so she left the topic alone and enjoyed things the way they were. It wasn't like she had a line of suitors anyway.

She couldn't help the smile that creeped onto her face when she unlocked her phone and saw a video call request from other than Loki himself. She still had thirty minutes worth of lunch break to waste and this was a wonderful time to chat with a friend.

"Stark, hand it back or I swear to Norns-" Loki's voice sounded agitated and far away, accompanied by sounds of a struggle; the bearded, smug face on the screen was not who she expected at all. Only years of customer service and low bullshit tolerance combined stopped her from freaking out seeing none other than Tony Stark smirking at her from the screen of her phone.

"Yes?" She arched an eyebrow, taking note of the anger of Loki's tone.

"Hi, I don't think I need to introduce myself," Stark babbled, eyeing her - disheveled and with a wall full of sticky notes and miscellaneous items acting as the background to her video. "Reindeer games refused to show you to us so we decided to persuade him," Tony's grin grew wider, muted whispers being rapidly exchanged in the background all the while Loki screeched "BROTHER!" and various expletives at the top of his lungs.

"You could've, I dunno," She paused, unimpressed. "Asked me to dinner, like a normal person. Instead of stealing, you know, like a thief," The eyeroll that she performed had the team worried her eyes would fall out of their sockets.

"I merely borrowed his phone, don't be dramatic," Stark huffed, and for a moment, she could see various other people trying to look at the screen and by extension, at her. "So, what is it that you do? Because Smurf over there wouldn't..."

"Oops, bad signal. Sorry, can't hear you properly," Her side of the call suddenly shook and in a moment, she ended the call, not at all willing to deal with people that lacked boundaries. Sure, it might have been Iron Man, but if he was planning on being a snooping asshole, she wasn't gonna go down with that easily.

Exactly five minutes after she had clocked out, an incoming call from Loki had her equal parts excited and mortified. What if..? But he was apologetic. And very angry, swearing in his native language - something that he'd promised to teach her at some point.

"So, Clint did it?" She sipped her beverage, strolling home with the phone pressed snugly against her ear.

"Most of it was his fault, yes," Loki grouched on the other end of the call.

"I vote we get back at him. Invite me over, if he's so inclined to see me, and watch him get humiliated in front of everybody," It wasn't a secret she had her own mischievous tendencies.

"As much as I appreciate your vigour, darling, I doubt the Widow will appreciate you verbally castrating the Hawk in public," He replied sourly, his voice still betraying the faint notes of interest.

"I have a backup plan!" She stated without a hitch. "He'll embarrass himself and I'll be your alibi."

"I'm listening," Loki perked up immediately.

They decided to not to stall and schedule the 'family dinner', as Thor himself dubbed it, for the next available weekend. Loki had made sure Tony's AI had been made aware the trickster would be gone all day, and it took him very little magic and effort to pop in and out of the tower for the five minutes that were needed to execute their prank.

His friend barely managed to keep the snickering at bay as they ascended the elevator to the common floor where the dinner was being held. Not only that, but the woman spouted an area of dark purple love marks, barely obscured by the low turtleneck of her blouse.

She made her introductions and they made theirs. "This affair could use some background noise," She remarked off-handedly, casting a meaningful glance at the TV.

Tony Stark was known for being a great host so he entertained her wishes, flicking on the huge flat screen with a flick of his wrist.

The team froze.

"I... -" The woman stared at the screen, mouth hanging wide open at the scenes that played out. "... am not going to kinkshame, but please turn it off," She stated in a small voice, seemingly unable to tear her eyes away from the mass of tentacles commencing erotic assault on a woman's body.

Wordlessly, the TV shut down, immersing the room in stunned silence. Loki face-palmed, the slap of his palm against his face echoing in the eerily quiet room.

"Loki!" Captain America, red as a tomato, instantly accused the most obvious person.

Except, he had forgotten one thing. "Loki was with me all day," The woman replied, unkindly. "Do you need more proof?" She tugged on the hem of her turtleneck, exposing an inch of skin marked blue.

The good Captain's face changed the shade once again, venturing very well into beetroot territory. "Who was the last one to use the TV?" Rogers asked, now with a hint of anger, as he stared at a guffawing Bucky.

"I believe it was Mr. Barton," The AI piped up, mechanical voice sounding almost insinuating. Or, perhaps, it just appeared that way.