#but the fact that they feel as though they must fulfill their responsibility first?? i am getting carried away lol

[autistichalsin]

I am once again thinking about the fact that Halsin doesn't WANT to be told that he was a good leader at the Grove, and he DOES want exactly one thing.

Think about the scene where he gets the letter from Francesca. After Halsin laments that he might not have been meant to be Archdruid, you get a few options. First, the two that try to reassure him he was a good leader.

You served the grove well, and found a worthy successor. No one can ask more of you.

To which Halsin says: Still, though... I cannot help but wonder if there was more I could have done. Perhaps, Oak Father willing, I may yet have the chance some day... Forgive me. The shadow curse occupied me so entirely and for so long... I almost miss the purpose it gave me. Now I must find a new one.

He's still glum. A bit hopeful he'll find a new purpose, but clearly not happy overall.

2. You could resume your position at the grove once we've defeated the Absolute.

To which Halsin replies: I thought that would be the case once... yet perhaps the grove will not need me.

He's given up on returning to the Grove, and is a bit sad about it, as much as he's relieved; he never wanted the position and was quite happy to leave, but seeing the ease with which the Grove recovered- didn't actually need him at all- has to hurt, and further his belief that he was never a good leader. Hence, not feeling remotely cheered up by the player's insistence otherwise, because he feels in his heart of hearts it's not true.

One option lets you gently tell Halsin yeah, he is a bad leader, but that's okay.

3. Not everyone is meant for leadership. There's no shame in walking away.

Halsin responds neutrally to this: Indeed. But I have roamed far and wide for years - whole lifetimes. I have seen much, done much, learned much. It would be a shame to not pass that on.

Because he is okay with the idea that he wasn't meant to be there. But he needs something more. He needs a purpose, and he needs something else.

Leading us to...

4. Grove aside, I'm glad you stayed with me.

The only response Halsin gives his approval to, before he replies: As am I. I can scarcely imagine life without your company now, and of course I made a promise to help you - one I intend to fulfill.

He didn't just need to be told it was okay if he hadn't been the best leader at the Grove, and he didn't just need a new purpose.

He needed the promise that he belonged somewhere, in spite of it. That no matter what mistakes he made, someone out there still cared for him. That he could be Halsin Silverbough, not Master Halsin, First Druid of the Emerald Grove.

And that's why he's so happy in his epilogue: not just because he left the Grove, not just because he has children to care for, not just because he's done fighting, not just because he has a purpose, a way to serve others/nature... But because they care for him there. Just like the player does.

It's why he says that he no longer needs to roam now that he has somewhere he's meant to be, and why he says the struggles of balancing others' needs are diminished. And why he says so deeply and sincerely that he's pined for the company of the group.

He needed to be wanted, more than anything.

[lemonwood31]

Thinking today about Halsin’s ending, and the reasons why I don’t find it to be an uncomplicatedly happy one.

There are two primary needs I think the ending is attempting to fulfil for him: the first is his need to feel like he’s doing something to help people, and specifically children, and his related desire for a family. The second is his need for a community that isn’t like the community at the Grove, a community where he can be himself without all the leadership and hierarchy that the Grove entailed. I think the fulfilment of both these needs is complicated by the fact that despite his longing for, and idealistic outlook towards, family and community, he actually has quite an individualistic mindset.

Now, I know that in the epilogue party, if you haven’t gone with him and he tells you about his community, he makes it sound like everything’s perfect and harmonious, ‘a true home for all’, ‘nature and civilisation are in harmony’, etc. Problem with that is that I don’t believe him. Or to be more precise, even if it’s like that now, I don’t think it’s going to be all that easy to maintain into the future, particularly since the community seems like a fairly large one (and he says it’s growing).

I don’t think anyone’s going to argue with me that Halsin’s sense of personal responsibility is very strong, or that he has a tendency to take too much on himself. I find it really significant that the creation of his community is such a clear expression of his natural instinct to go it alone, to take all the responsibility on his own shoulders. Even though he clearly finds like-minded adults to join him, the initial plan is one he comes up with by himself and he doesn’t share it with you, his by-now closest confidante and friend/lover, until it’s already a fait accompli. And, of course, his default assumption is that you’re not going to come with him. This of course has a lot to say about his sense of responsibility and how difficult he finds it to believe he’s worthy of love and commitment; it’s not that I don’t understand it. But I can’t help but think it’s a bad start for building the kind of community that isn’t dependent on him.

His tendency – which I would argue is a fundamentally individualistic one – to feel like he has to take primary responsibility for the problems he’s trying to solve, to frame actions as ‘something I must to do to make things right’ instead of ‘something the community is doing to solve a shared problem’, is going to have negative effects, I think, on both of the primary needs his ending is fulfilling.

Take the first need, to help children, to create a family. He clearly sees the ‘nine wagonloads of children’ as his family, and himself as their father. It’s not clear to me the extent to which he sees the other adults in the community as parental figures also; presumably they are to some extent (nine wagonloads!), but I do think he thinks of himself as the primary if not the only parent. He worries about leaving the children for a single night. That’s understandable, sure, but it also says to me that he’s taking a lot of the work of caring for the children’s emotional needs on himself, and sees himself as fundamental to their emotional wellbeing. He’s not acting like one adult in a collective who has a special and close bond with the children, but who is working in partnership with other adults who are equally close to and trustworthy with the children. He’s acting like a primary parent leaving his children with babysitters for the night.

And that, in my opinion, is not good. You cannot be an adequate parent to that many children (nine. wagonloads!) on your own. There is a limit to the amount of emotional support and individual time and attention that one parent can provide. He needs to rely on his community to provide emotional support and attention and just basic parenting to the children. He needs to see this as a joint, collective, community effort that doesn’t look like a nuclear family with way more children than usual; one that operates fundamentally differently to the way a traditional family would. And I worry that he’s not doing any of that, and that it’s not healthy for either him or the children.

Then looking at the second need, to create a community that isn’t dependent on him as a leader or, for that matter, on any kind of formal leadership structure or social hierarchy. One that isn’t subject to the power dynamics and politicking that the Grove was. The problem there is that I think it’s going to be way too easy for him to end up repeating his mistakes instead of rectifying them.

Building communities is hard. Building communities that are based on a non-hierarchical structure is even harder. Obviously this community isn’t based on a formal hierarchy like the Grove was, but power struggles and politicking have a tendency to creep in no matter what you do: they’re so ingrained in human nature.

Ultimately, in order to create the kind of community that I think is a real counterpoint to the Grove, a community that isn’t dependent on a leader, that’s based on shared values of caring for each other rather than a hierarchy, in which its members work alongside each other and make decisions jointly, you have to do the work to make it work like that. And that work is fundamentally systemic. You can’t just found the community on a well-meaning desire to rebuild Reithwin and care for orphans and refugees and then hope it all works out. You have to have both the self-awareness and the systemic understanding to spot the ways in which the community is falling into old patterns or bad habits and, much harder, find ways to break out of those patterns and habits. And that takes hard and constant effort.

As much as I love Halsin, I don’t think he’s a systemic thinker. As I said, I think he tends to approach problems as  ‘what do I need to do to make this right’, not ‘what does the community need in order to function better as a community’. I think that starting off his commune by himself, based on his own idea of what’s needed, poses a strong risk that the resulting community will be founded on Halsin and Halsin’s dream rather than on an equal collective with a shared set of values, and that despite his best efforts, it will end up being all on his shoulders again in a way that doesn’t look exactly like the Grove, but which repeats some of the patterns that he was trying to escape.

And now I have come to the end of my argument I realise that I don’t have a feel-good way of ending it. Uh. Someone maybe want to write a fanfiction about the dynamic between Halsin and a systems-thinker Tav who keeps having to yell at him for accidentally being his own worst enemy?

[boytumms]

Okay don't mind me, I've just been reading too much about various sorts of mythology stuff and... old myths genuinely have a lot more weird pregnancy things than you'd expect (I still find the fact that Odin's eight-legged horse in Norse mytholohy is the son of Loki - whom Loki was pregnant wirh anf gave birth to, mind - way too funny, although that's completely beside the point), so... this isn't inspired directly by a specific myth, but reading random mythology stuff is kinda what put this into my mind

Anyway, I've been thinking of a boy who somehow manages to royally piss off a fertility god. Perhaps he defiles their shrine, or steal some sacred item or mess with their priest - or maybe him just refuses to do something the god wants him to do. And because gods are so well-known for never being spiteful and always giving proportionate and reasonable punishments (extreme sarcasm), the god curses the boy to become pregnant, but unable to give birth unless some extremely specific conditions are met. Maybe he can only give birth at one specific location, or has to eat some specific hard-to-aquire thing to induce labor, or it's one of those seemingly impossible and contradictory "neither at sea nor on land, neither at day nor at night, neither alone nor with other people" kind of conditions (i pulled that specific one out of my ass but you can find similar kind of contradictory and stupidly specific shit in mythology sometimes, you get my point), or some combination of the above, or some other stupidly specific and unintuitive condition, idk.

And the boy doesn't know the condition, of course. The first nine months he simply waits for the pregnancy to run its course, but as the months stretch on past the ninth, past the tenth, with no sign of the pregnancy coming to an end, he realizes he's not getting off the hook that easily. By then, of course, he's so heavily pregnant that everything is difficult - he can't walk very far at once at all, he needs ridiculous amounts of fabric to have clothes that fit, the baby - or babies, rather; he can't tell but he thinks he must have two or three in there - are restless and kick and writhe so he hardly has a moment's peace from them...

So he becomes searching for some solution, some way to birth the babies. First whatever conventional ways there are to induce labor. None of them do anything. He prays and makes sacrifices to the god, groveling and apologizing and begging for relief. No response. Then, he begins to seek out wise people, priests and oracles and shamans, first close by, then traveling further and further away to find someone who could tell him what to do.

It takes years, years of incredibly difficult travel, of weird looks from others and humiliation and yet often having to rely on the aid of other people to get to wherever he's going this time, because really he's in no state to travel except he doesn't have a choice. After the initial nine months, the babies do seem to grow slower than before that, but they do still grow little by little, making the burden quite literally heavier to bear, and they are restless in his womb, as though they too would know it is well past their time to be born already.

But finally, after years of searching, years of torment, the boy finds out the condition, and figures out a way to fulfill it. Once that is done, though, there's still the incredibly long and painful process of labor and giving birth to the babies, now much larger than his body ever was designed to give birth to...

I loooove perpetual pregnancies like this!!! It could even be similar to the Greek story abt Leto, so he’s in labor as he tries to figure out how to break his curse. Imagine him having to suffer through contractions, feeling his baby’s head sooo painfully low in his hips as he tries to push but the curse prevents it from coming out all while he’s in search of a way to give birth.

After years and years of searching, his babies become massive. Even with the slowed growth, they’d be the size of 2-3 year olds by the time he finally manages to fill the conditions to progress his labor. Maybe as he’s finally giving birth to his first baby, the god that cursed him decides to come down, just to torment him one last time before his punishment is over. There’s nothing the boy can do to get way from the god, belly pinning him to the ground with the weight of his writhing babies, unable to escape the wrathful god. Each time his baby comes to a crown, the god pushes it back in, making his scream is sob in agony, begging to be let go as it makes his tummy twist and writhe. He tries to kick and push the god away, but he’s too weak after carrying such a burden with him for so many years, completely helpless in the hands of his tormentor.

It goes on for days, weeks even, the god switching between pushing his babies back into his belly, then and painfully squeezing the swell to watch him thrash. Once they’re sure he’s learned his lesson, they let the last baby slip out between his trembling legs, leaving him exhausted, alone, surrounded by half a dozen massive babies as he’s finally allowed to pass out

[insomniac-101]

Rose Tyler Character Analysis

Ah so Rose Tyler.

Rose " you like my gun?" Tyler who arguably, is one of the most important characters of the RTD era. A character so influential, that the narrative takes the time to mourn her absence and was single handedly responsible for bringing the series back from the dead.

She's so controversial. You either really love her or hate her, and I think that in itself is a testament to how well she is written. Because she left an impact, and that's not an easy thing to do in a series that has been around for so long

With that in mind though, I find that she is also the character that most people tend to misinterpret a lot. Often framing her in a bad light, rather than with the nuance required to understand her.

That being said I'm about to analyze the shit out of her character as well as some of her main relationships so if you love her, great I do too! Let's be friends! And if you don't, that's a shame but hopefully the way I interpret her journey will help you better understand why others do:)

I must stress that this is my interpretation but feel free to let me know if you saw a scene differently than me! Love reading alternate interpretations, me

Rose Marion Tyler is introduced to us in the first season of Nuwho as an ordinary girl. She has a job, a boyfriend, and a mother but from the way we are introduced to these facets of her life, we get the impression that she isn't necessarily someone that seeks to have anything more. She fits right in with said life and from an outside perspective, one can even argue that she seems content with it.

However it's in the moment where we see her come face to face with the impossible, that we really see who she is as a person.

When confronted with a group of living mannequins that slowly creep towards her , alone I must add, her reaction is one that is quite strange. Here she is, looking to fulfill a task in a completely dodgy and empty area below her workplace and when she sees something odd, she doesn't show fear. She doesn't scream, no on the contrary, she begins to try to rationalize what is happening in a manner that makes sense to her. Never one to assume danger, even when it is painfully obvious that there might be something strange happening.

That is when she meets the Doctor. A man unfamiliar and strange that saves her life right before she too succumbs to the threat. Thus, treating us to our first glimpse into the dynamic between our two leads.

She is visibly put off. Perhaps a little afraid but she asserts that the incident was nothing more than a prank. Something harmless and silly, even though it is quite obvious to us that that is not the case. It's this manner of viewing the incident that catches his attention however.

"Very clever, nice trick. Who are they then, students? Is this a student thing or what?"

"Why would they be students?"

"I don't know!"

"Well you said it, why students?"

"Cause to get that many people dressed up and being silly, they got to be students"

I find this interaction so interesting because it says a lot about her perspective. She doesn't assume the mob meant any harm. In fact, she goes out of her way to make up an even more incredulous scenario to justify their innocence, even when it is obvious that that is not the case. 

It shows nativity, but there's an underlying level of optimism there as well.

It is here where she finds out that Wilson is dead, and we see her react with concern. But notice, she doesn't assume he had anything to do with it.

Rather it's his tone that rubs her the wrong way, and she confronts the Doctor. Chastising him about joking about something so awful and even when he interrupts, she doesn't stop her pursuit for an explanation.

She is on the move right behind him, asking more questions that only seem to have more confusing answers. Following in spite of how absolutely bat shit his explanations are.

In this brief interaction, we see some of the most crucial aspects of her character. Her bravery, curiosity, and stubborn nature that allow her to remain by his side, long enough that he has to physically stop her and tell her to go home.

It is this blatant show of her character that prompts him to ask for her name.

Because here she is, confronted with the impossible yet she doesn't just stand to the side in shock. No, instead she chooses to engage with the Doctor. Trying to find a reason for what is happening, or in other words, a solution even if it's at the expense of her own well-being.

It's when we see her recovering at home, that the initial veil of an ordinary and perfect life is uncovered. Jackie is too busy on the phone to really offer any emotional support to her daughter. Gossiping on the phone about the incident, and in the minute a break presents itself, she uses that time to criticize her for not taking advantage of the situation.

I must stress that this interaction isn't included to say that Jackie is a horrible mother, quite the opposite, but she is human. RTD goes to show you that no one is perfect. That even the most well intended individual is flawed, and that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. This is important to keep in mind when analyzing the relationships between the characters.

Even though Jackie doesn't show her support through words, she still takes the time to give her tea as she is sitting. She is doing the best she can under the circumstances in which she's in. She's conscious that their financial situation isn't ideal, and so by telling her that she should have asked for compensation, this is not to show that she is greedy, but rather it's her way of showing that she cares. That at the very least, her daughter can secure herself some money for experiencing the traumatic incident.

It shows that she's a realist, someone who views the world through a cynical lens and prioritizes survival above all else.

Similarly we meet Mickey, and he is a bit more emotional to an exaggerated degree. Showing physically that he cares with a hug and going out of his way to fuss and dote over her, but this overblown affection seems to make her uncomfortable. As if to show that she doesn't like being the center of attention, and that they are making her feel helpless at the expense of their concern.

Understanding her need for a distraction, he offers to take her to the pub but it's not long before she catches on to his true intentions. Granted he does appear to be genuine in his goal, but it's not an activity she would enjoy and so she tells him to just go alone.

Now similar to the previous point I made about the characters being flawed, that applies here too. The relationship she has with Mickey is not perfect. Mickey is trying to play the role of a perfect boyfriend. He is showering her in love and support, but we quickly see that his motivations are not completely selfless. That really that overblown affection he is showing at the moment, is an act. We see this happen again later when he tries to put on this front that he's her protector in front of Clive, but she shuts that down too. Not because she doesn't love him or appreciate the concern, but because it's not him, and this front he puts on sometimes results in him ignoring what she actually needs.

He assumes he knows what's best for her without taking into account that she might not agree. It's only when he shows that playful nature we saw earlier in the intro that Rose seems responsive to him. As if to show that it's when he's acting like himself, that she appreciates his company. Because what she needs at the moment is not for them to dictate what she should do, she just needs them to respect her decision to move on.

When he leaves, we finally see that the comfort she derives from him is really from the friendly banter they have. At the core of their relationship, is a friendship.

I find that way too many people tend to assume that everything Mickey does comes from a place of ill intent, and that is just not true. He's a person, and he too has his own motivations and emotions that may not always align with those around him. That doesn't make him a bad partner, just a flawed one.

When she wakes up, we see that yet again, she is subjected to more fussing from her mother but it is in this interaction that something interesting about Jackie is revealed.

Jackie claims that her prior job at the mall was giving her "airs and graces" and this is something she tends to bring up later too, when she feels herself becoming more distant from her daughter.

This is a reflection of Jackie's own insecurities, not Rose's actual attitude.

Whenever she sees Rose find a piece of the world to call her own, she tends to put it down. Not because she hates seeing her succeed, but because she fears that once she finds something better she'll leave her behind. That she will have to experience loss once more, at the expense of her daughter rather than her husband all that long ago.

Now this is an assumption that on her part, I'd argue, is a bit unfair given that Rose doesn't ever really show to resent where she comes from. (in Tooth and Claw, she is even named  "Dame Rose of the Powell Estate". Which shows that she is not really one to shy away from her background) Nor does she believe herself to be better than anyone, but Jackie uses it often because she knows it elicits a reaction out of her. She's grown so used to having her around, that now she can't fathom living without her and resorts to hurting her as a means of keeping her close. 

It's an attachment to her daughter that at times, can prove to be stunting to Rose's development but ties back to the long lasting grief she feels at losing Pete. Again this is not an intentional thing she does, but it is a flaw that exists and shows up when they butt heads.

(I stress this point because I've noticed that this Era of Doctor who in particular has many instances where characters declare something, only for it to be a false conclusion. It's vital that one considers not only the words, but the actions of said characters. To read into their words, rather than to take it a face value. I will be doing a lot of that here, case in point)

Rose often has to put up boundaries with Jackie. Not because she doesn't love her, but because the extent of her love and attachment can be overbearing to the point that it interferes with her life. They have survived so long by functioning as a unit, but now it's time for Rose to prioritize her own feelings and that in turn scares Jackie.

I must stress that Rose is still so young, only 19. For her to have the maturity to know how to handle her mother as well as handle the household (we see her fussing over the cat flap, demonstrating that she is constantly aware of the circumstances they live in) shows that she had to grow up fast. Being constantly aware of adult concepts such as finances and the death of a parent from a young age, tends to do that to a kid.

Now skip ahead to when nine stumbles upon her home, and she manhandles him inside lol. She takes control of the situation, offers him a cup of tea and asks him to accompany her to the police station so that they can both handle the situation.

I must stress, once again, that she has no reason to assume he's a good person. For all she knows, he could have purposefully caused the explosion to kill them all. But no, she assumes that he was just a victim like herself and aims to bring closure to the incident.

Rose is someone that assumes the best in people. We see this time and time again with how she interacts with those around her. When she is talking about the body that was found, she assumes it's Wilson and talks about how sorry she is that it happened to him and that he was a nice bloke (even though her face tells the opposite lol).

She is kind. It's in her nature to care for and care about others. It's because of this that she is able to get through to the Doctor when he tries to leave again.

So she insists that he tell her what's going on, and continues to pursue him while making conversation. At one point he asks if she believes him and she admits that she doesn't, but nonetheless she continues listening. 

A kind act she then does for Clive, which suggests that the reason why she stays is because she recognizes that everyone wants to be heard. That to be acknowledged, means to finally feel validated. Something that seems to be absent from her life, given how often both Mickey and Jackie tend to dominate conversations regarding her decisions.

She gives him the space to joke around, to add levity to the discussion but the moment he confesses that he is alone she stops it.

Because she is concerned now. He, a complete stranger yet she offers him the patience to go at his own pace. All while, she is firm in her pursuit for an answer but not at the expense of upsetting him.

This is why they work.

She has the emotional intelligence that he lacks. She challenges him by offering a perspective that completely goes against his own. And when he's being insensitive or too focused on the big picture of things, she is able to put him in his place. Reel him back in and set him straight again.

(I did a more in depth analysis on the 9th doctor here if you're interested!)

It isn't until after she leaves Clive that we see her actually start to reconsider the direction that her life is going in. Because now more than ever, she realizes just how narrow her perception of the world really is. How insignificant her life is, in the grand scope of the universe.

She reminisces, talking about how she could go back to school now that she has the extra time to spend. Another decision, mind, that was done on behalf of someone else and she is starting to regret.

She asks for Mickey's opinion but him not actually being him, isn't able to give his input and changes the subject.

"I'm sorry, was I talking about me for a second?"

Her offense is something that stands out to me, however.

Based on prior interactions, one can come to the conclusion that Rose is not as open as she appears to be at first glance. When Mickey attempted to appease her by offering her the space to talk about the explosion, she shut him down and later on refused to include him in her meeting with Clive. She even went as far as to lie about her prior involvement with the Doctor to her mother. Which in turn suggests that it's not often that she has aspects of her life that are solely hers and so, when she finds something, she keeps it to herself.

This could be due to a number of reasons, but I suspect it is because of the company she keeps around.

Her mother criticizes her job and asks her to change it, and Mickey dissuades her decision to go looking for Clive. She keeps things close to her chest because she's aware that the people in her life won't often support them.

Then the Doctor interrupts, and Mickey is revealed to be a clone. Panic arises but her being the selfless person she is, presses the fire alarm as a means of ensuring that more people won't get hurt. This also shows one of her biggest strengths as a character, she is incredibly clever. Even though she dropped out of school at a young age, she has a knack for finding solutions with very little resources. She's sharp and has a level headed approach that makes her perfect for a crisis. 

It also shows that she has a habit of putting others before herself, because before Mickey even attacked, she was already standing next to the button.

Her compassion, bravery, and quick thinking are what ultimately drive her to save the Doctor's life. Because I'm spite of being in trouble himself, he pleads that she save herself at the price of his own life. Proving to her, that he is not responsible for the death follows him. And in turn she realizes that the life she is living is truly stunting her, because it's her putting faith into her own capabilities that allows her to save him.

That she, just like the Doctor, is capable of doing something beyond what she thought was out of her reach.

That she is free to live a life not constrained by the ordinary.

Now I'll skip ahead to the big decision; the one that seals her fate as his companion and a decision I often see people misunderstand. The decision to stay with the Doctor is not one that comes easily. Her initial rejection of his request is one that displays her hesitance.

Note that it is not because she doesn't want to, that much is evident from the way she's gazing longingly at the Tardis. But because Mickey's pleading is getting to her. He is latching onto her, metaphorically and literally; not taking the time to consider how she might feel about the opportunity.

He does not trust that she knows what's best, which is made evident in the way he often doubts her.

Up until now Rose has been someone that puts everyone above herself when it comes to making decisions. She has to consider their feelings, to the point that she feels the need to hide things from them.

Her mother.

Mickey.

And now she's going to let them snub out that little spark she just discovered she has.

It's because of this that she thanks Mickey before she leaves. Because it's his helplessness that helps her realize how fit for a life of thrills she is. While he was cowering, she in turn was thriving in the danger.

Him doing nothing but clinging to her, made her realize that she is capable of doing so much more than what she could do at his side. That she has the potential to save many lives and make a difference in the world.

So she leaves.

She is not angry at him when she does, quite the opposite, it's him being true to himself in a crisis that puts things into perspective.

The next episode makes her confront the reality of the path she has chosen.

He takes her to the end of the world and she realizes that her role is not to stop the inevitable. The Doctor is not someone that is responsible for preventing bad things from occurring, no, he is a witness to them just like she is.

This confession comes with the loaded realization that not every adventure will end happily. That death is not something that can be avoided and that the Doctor is not a hero. This shows her naivety, and through this adventure, she begins to lose some of it.

She freaks out at seeing the "relics" of the human race. All things she is familiar with, yet, it comes with the startling realization that everyone is dead. 

That she is the last of her kind alive.

So she runs.

In spite of it all being such a shock to her, however, she still has the ability to reach out to someone. Finding comfort in talking to an alien by the name of Rufalo, and asking for her name and background. Extending kindness to someone that she doesn't have to, because it in turn brings her happiness. It shows she is someone that cares for others, regardless of what they look like. That at her core, she is kind and considerate.

One of my favorite scenes that perfectly demonstrates this point is an underrated scene where she talks to a plant. She previously observed that one of the aliens that initially greeted her is a tree descendant that gifts her a piece of her grandfather, and she addresses it shyly.

"Hello, my name's Rose, that's a sort of plant. We might be related..I'm talking to a twig."

It's played for laughs but it demonstrates that her ability to want to understand others comes from a place of wanting to relate to them. She talks to the tree with respect and views it as an equal before realizing that it's just that, a twig.

When the Doctor finds her and begins to appease her by making jokes at the expense of the aliens, she once again surprises him with her reaction.

She gets offended.

All on behalf of the deep south aliens that cannot defend themselves in the current moment from his scrutiny, because she is able to humanize them. To see them as people, in spite of the obvious differences they may have.

This suggests that Rose's first instinct when out of her element, is to try to understand and sympathize.

That way of being, is what causes her to turn her questions on him.

Why he is so quick to judge others.

Why he is able to maintain that sense of levity as he sees the world burn.

And why he seems so touchy about his background.

Something that I wish to add, because we have an instance of this happening in this episode, is that her need to understand others might be rooted in the perception others seem to have of her. People tend to diminish her value because of how she looks. In this episode, Jabe, the tree lady presumes that Rose is the doctor's concubine or even a prostitute. This is why she gets offended and tells them both off.

(This happens a lot more than I realized on my first watch, and a lot of people write it off as her being jealous when that's not the case. That isn’t to say that she doesn’t display some jealousy at times, but it genuinely does not occur as often as people claim it does)

This is also why Cassandra gets under her skin so much. Because she presumes that Rose is inferior and looks down on others but that alone is not enough to justify her being killed. She makes that clear when she pleads for the Doctor to save her.

We also get some insight on why her dad's death left such an impact on her. It's brief but while watching the earth melt away, she says this:

"it's gone, we're too busy saving ourselves no one saw it go. All those years, all that history and nobody was even looking."

Even though she didn't know him personally, the fact that he died alone is something that deeply troubles her. To anyone else he was just a man, yet to her and her mother he was a father, someone that was meant to be a part of her life. He should have had someone there, just like how the earth deserved to be remembered in its final moments by those who personally lived in it. To die without anyone you care for acknowledging your importance must be haunting.

The reason why she stays with the Doctor is for the same reason why the tragedy of her father's death deeply affected her, she doesn't want him to be alone. Loneliness can be so terrible. Had it not been for the Doctor being with her, she would have felt overwhelmed by the weight of the world's end. It's having him there that made the pain bearable. She understands this, and so, she takes it upon herself to be the person he has to look his way. To be the hand he has to hold when everything becomes too much.

But the question remains, to what extents is she willing to go to ensure that he will be okay?

Gradually we see Rose become more confident in her ability to command and reason. She no longer hesitates to step in and offer her perspective, all while she continues to extend her kindness to others. This at times, clashes with the Doctor's own priorities but nonetheless his exposure to her has an effect.

It is in the episode Dalek however, where that kindness takes on a new form, a merciful killing. Up until now Rose has been the one to tell the Doctor to give the perpetrators a second chance. To see the good in others even when it's difficult.

But now this creature that has killed many, is changing. It's growing aware, disturbed, and it's all because of her. She stops the doctor from killing it, but now the creature wants to die. It does not want to become like her. It does not want to become so human that it becomes aware of all it's done and how lonely it is.

For the first time, she is made to confront that her kindness might have just condemned someone to a more miserable end. That humanity is not something that every creature strives for, and that at times the kind decision comes with a price.

So she does what it asks, and orders it to die. Saving the Doctor from sullying his hands with more blood but at the price of her own becoming unclean. Are these the depths to which she would go to ensure the Doctor's wellbeing?

The next two episodes explore what happens when Rose underestimates her ability to make mistakes.

She's become more confident, taking along Adam to their next adventure because she believes she has a good judge of character. Plus he’s kind of pretty, so that’s a plus for her lol

She wants to be the impressive one now and share that wonder for the universe with someone else. To see what it looks like from the perspective of a new pair of eyes, because to her it has all become kind of normal.

The price of understanding the Doctor more, is that it comes at the price of her humanity. She will no longer be able to sustain her naivety towards how cruel the world can be. It will become harder to judge when she is viewing things in a rational human way, or through the eyes of someone that has grown desensitized to the chaos.

In retrospect, I don't think it's a coincidence she is wearing red here. She has now witnessed a death at her hands, and she is trying to regain control. To remember what it's like to view the world through the eyes of someone normal like Adam.

With time, she will grow to be a stranger amongst other humans. She will have a harder time relating to others because her understanding of the world far surpasses there’s. 

Oh but Adam is not like her. Because she assumes everyone is well intentioned, she fails to realize that he might hold ulterior motives. When he fails her, she realizes that she is also capable of making a bad call. That the Doctor is holding her to a standard and if she makes a mistake like Adam, she too can be left behind.

Father's day is where we finally see her make a misstep and it's one hell of a problem. Her initial goal was to be there for her father and comfort him in his final moments, but she realizes quickly that seeing it is far more disturbing than she had initially anticipated.

He's her father. Seeing him die once is bad enough, but twice? All while fully aware that she can easily prevent it? It's a temptation that is far too great to pass up. But quickly she realizes her mistake and she can't think rationally, she is far too emotional to reason with.

"but he's alive,"

"my entire planet died, my whole family. Do you think it never occurred to me to go back and save them?"

"but it's not like I've changed history, not much. I mean he's never gonna be a world leader. He's not gonna start world war 3 or anything"

"Rose there's a man alive in the world who wasn't alive before. An ordinary man. That's the most important thing in creation."

She overestimated what she understood about travelling in time. She realizes this, but her pride will not let her stand down. She wrongly uses his loneliness as a means of keeping him there, knowing that he would never actually leave her but alas he does. In doing so, granting her a once in a lifetime chance to get to know her father personally.

With this opportunity comes the realization that her father was not the man her mother told her about. 

Not successful nor heroic, but flawed like any other man.

She finds out that he and Jackie had a strained relationship, nothing like the perfect relationship her mother described. That he had had an affair and that they were not on the best terms when he died. Really, her mother was protecting her from the reality of the situation. All for the sake of giving her a father figure that would not disappoint her, even in death.

But on the flip side, she is also able to know the best parts of him. Now she has a reference of who he was at his best as well. She is able to have him recognize her as his daughter and when he realizes the extent of her mistake, he takes on the responsibility to right her wrong. So that his blood is not on her hands, and so that she will remember him as the proper father he would have been after he’s gone. 

Note that he does this for her, not because she wouldn't have eventually asked it of him, but because he doesn't want the guilt of his second death to be on her.

She apologizes of course, to the Doctor but not before he does the same. It is in this moment, that she realizes how much she means to him and in turn, how much he means to her. 

When viewing this scene, once should keep in mind that the episode draws many parallels between the Doctor and her father. At one point, it states that she considers the Doctor to be the most important man in her life. so when her father comes along, in misplaced anger she asserts that the Doctor did not want her father to live because it would threaten his importance to her.

The reason why I draw attention to this detail is because I believe this is the episode where she realizes she loves the Doctor romantically. 

When her father touches her face as he recognises her as his daughter, she nestles into it like a little kid seeking comfort from a parent. Now that she knows what it feels like to have a proper father, she has a better understanding of what that kind of love feels like. 

So when the Doctor does the same thing, she stares deeply into his eyes as if just realizing what he means to her. Her reaction to him is almost shy and stiff, very unlike her usual temperament.

I think this is the moment she realizes her feelings for the Doctor are not that of her trying to fill a void her father left, but of a different origin entirely. The reason I say this is because these two scenes, mirror each other down to the camera angle. With both shots, focusing on her reaction to the touch.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that earlier in the episode, she gets mad when her father assumes the Doctor is her boyfriend. She even expresses confusion on why people think they’re together, which wouldn’t really make much sense if she had felt romantic attraction to him prior to this moment.

This isn't to say that she purposefully projected such an image onto the Doctor, not at all. But I think it's this experience that finally gives a name to what she was feeling for him all along. Something that started off as platonic but eventually morphed into romantic love.

(I can’t believe that I just claimed Rose might have daddy issues but here it is. On the bright side though, this goes to prove that the Doctor fell for her first so do as you wish with that assertion lol)

Then Jack appears and finally, their attraction for one another becomes obvious to everyone but one another lol. This is where the whole dancing scene happens and I think you all know what they meant lol I don't have to make an in depth analysis about it. 

(But how curious that she suddenly starts being more blatant with her flirting, after Father’s Day? Just sayinnng)

I must stress now, because this will become critical later on, that Rose is naturally very flirty and touchy. She's like that with most people it seems, but she never really means anything by it. When Jack appears, she finds him attractive but when he starts getting too close she begins to feel uncomfortable. 

She even stops his advances at one point. She likes being liked, even plays into it, but she never acts on her attraction. It's a flaw of hers in the same way the 10th doctor likes being chased by beautiful women, but she's never unfaithful.

Okay so I'm going to say something really radical here, but Boomtown is when Rose and Mickey breakup. For good. Personally, I am not of the belief that they were together in season 2.

The reason why I say this is because the moment Mickey and Rose are left alone, all she can do is recount stories about the Doctor and how great their adventures are. It is here where we see what was pointed out to us previously: that she would eventually outgrow the outlook of those around her. She is no longer the Rose he knew, or fell for. She has grown more confident, happier, and can no longer relate to him. 

In other words, she has outgrown him.

It’s here where Mickey tells her that he is seeing someone else. 

Rose does become a little jealous here, making a comment about the girl's weight, but she quickly realizes it's not appropriate and takes it back. Instead, commenting that she's a nice girl. 

Now remember how I mentioned that at the core of their romantic relationship was a friendship, we see that here more than ever.

When he suggests they find a hotel, she reminds him that he has someone and then questions why he is even with Trisha if she’s not the girl he usually goes for. (They grew up together, so it makes sense why she would know what his type is). This doesn't seem as if she's asking because she's jealous but because she's confused on why he's settling for someone. 

She is concerned for his wellbeing.

To which he admits he is and that he can't move on because he is still in love with her. When he asks if he wants him to wait for her, she can't answer. Not because she is unsure of her answer, but because she knows what it is. Her heart is no longer his.

Her running at the sound of trouble and refusing to answer is the answer. It will never be him. She cannot promise him something that just isn't what she feels anymore. Him yelling that “of course it will always be the Doctor”, is him confirming it. That what they had, has ended. 

This is the moment they break up. Her seeking him out afterwards is not her trying to mend the romantic relationship they had, but the friendship.

But it is too late.

When she returns after the Slitheen crisis ends, he is no longer there. He will not wait for her anymore and when asked about his whereabouts, she concedes that he will not join them when they leave because he deserves better.

This is her acknowledging that she did wrong in having him wait. She cries because it ended in such a heartbreaking way, but not because it is no more.

She realizes she hurt him, and this guilt follow her into season 2.

The reason why I am so confident on this is because they’re never really all that affectionate after this. Yes they hold hands and hug, but that’s something she did with the Doctor long before they were together. They never share a kiss, and the only one that ever refers to their relationship as something more, is the Doctor.

(Who I must add, has his own motivations for doing so. Mainly out of jealousy, and because it creates a barrier between the Doctor and Rose's relationship. I swear, you can't trust these people lol)

That's why her attachment to him never really presents itself as an issue later. Weeell not until the Doctor inserts him as a means of putting a wedge between the two of them. But I am getting ahead of myself here.

Skipping to the final episode, Rose is tricked into leaving the Doctor and she is left to confront what life without him is like.

This is the girl who, at the thought of her father dying alone, almost broke the universe to grant him some companionship in his final moments. 

He is dying out there, somewhere she can't reach.

And in the meantime, she waits helplessly as the man she loves is trapped in the future, unable to do anything but mourn him.

For the first time, we are confronted with a version of Rose that is devoid of any hope. A sight so unfamiliar to both Mickey and Jackie, that they don’t know what to do or say to make it better. 

That does not stop them from trying, however.

It's here that Jackie is able to admit that she admires him for doing what he did. This confession is a big deal because it highlights the beginning of a major change in perspective for her. 

The reason why Jackie and the Doctor’s relationship is so strained to begin with, is because she feared that he would be the catalyst to Rose’s eventual departure. She projected her insecurities onto him, often portraying him as the type to endanger her daughter on purpose and the reason why her life was such chaos. Yet, in this moment she concedes that she was wrong, that the Doctor is more noble than she had initially given him credit for. 

He's not selfish like she initially presumed, but selfless; choosing to prioritize her safety, over his own loneliness.

When Rose questions what she is expected to do now, Mickey is offended. He cannot understand the extent of her feelings, so he resorts to the defensive. Claiming that she must a sense of superiority if she thinks she is not capable of assuming a normal life like anyone else. But just as was shown before, both him and Jackie are very flawed people. They have their agendas and so they impose what they think is best onto her, without considering their own biases.  

Because they care, they assume rather than listen ... but she's no longer the same Rose.

She is different. 

No longer naive and no longer fit to live a life that doesn't have him in it. Not solely out of love, but because she felt she was at her best there.

"it was a better life, I don't mean all the traveling and... Seeing aliens and spaceships and things, that don't matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life."

She criticizes Mickey for assuming the worst of her in that moment, as he has seen first hand the change she went through. That's why they broke up after all, because that change made her harder to hold onto.

With that change however, is the realization that living a normal life would mean to throw away all the growth she went through. 

To abandon her new sense of purpose, and lose that part of herself that refused to give up. The side of her that held onto hope, in spite of all odds being against her.

And finally, to give up would mean to lose the Doctor: the man that believed in her and never stopped.

When she says there's nothing left for her there, on earth, she means it. She would rather die than live a life without him in it. 

She's an emotional wreck at the thought of losing him but other than it just being a statement said in the heat of the moment, I find that she might also have a point.

Sure it's harsh, I won't deny it but really other than her mother, what is there to keep her there? 

Everyone, even ordinary people, leave home eventually. That is just reality. Her mother is there, yes, but one day she will die. Rose will be all that’s left, because not even Mickey will measure up to the Doctor and it is unfair to expect him to fill his place. 

She will be expected to live a life where not even one person understands her and in the process, forget the part of herself that she grew to love.

What they're asking of her is to give up on the part of the world that she has made her own. To hide the spark that made her into who she is, because that's how much the experience has become a part of her identity as a person.

It's selfish, but doesn't that apply to everyone? Who's happiness has not come at the expense of other people? By asking her to give up her life with the Doctor, are they not doing the same to her?

The reason why knowing that she met her father seemingly changes Jackie's mind is because the revelation is a confirmation that Rose has grown up. Her distress is not out of a naive love that Rose holds towards the Doctor, no, she is aware of the implications of what she is saying.

The reason why Jackie never told her the truth about her father is because at the time, she was a little girl who could not understand that her dad was not a perfect man. She meant to protect her innocence, even if it came at the expense of the truth.

But she realizes then, that she is not that little girl anymore. That before her stands a young woman, who no longer needs her protection. One who has accomplished impossible feats on her own merit, and grew not because of her, but in spite of her.

So when Rose tells her that she has found her place in the world, she means it.

Not to mention, the Doctor was able to give her a sense of comfort that not even she could give her. Granting her a sense of closure and thus cementing just how incredible of a life she is leaving behind. 

Jackie’s own fear of abandonment, is not enough to blind her to how important of a task this is to Rose.

This is why they help her in spite of it potentially meaning her death. Because to ask her to leave it all behind without trying, would be the equivalent of killing her. The version of herself that was forged from the experiences aboard the Tardis.

Season 2 is effectively what occurs when the reality of falling for a man indebted to the universe, starts to settle in.

His regeneration makes her confront the fact that he is unlike any human man. That the rules that define human relationships, will not apply to their own. With that in mind, she seemingly loses her footing amidst the chaotic revelation. 

She struggles to take control of the alien invasion, not because she doesn't know how, but because everything she knew to be true has changed. The foundation of all she stood for, has been broken and she has no idea what her place in all of it is.

When she realizes that he is still him, her acceptance comes with the acknowledgment that their circumstances have changed. That she will have to accept those alien aspects of himself, and redefine her prior assertions of what a life with him would mean in the long run. Because now more than ever, the love between the two of them is stronger than ever. But neither is willing to sacrifice the greater good for it.

Something I need people to understand is that the reason why their relationship doesn't become anything more than a friendship, until Tentoo, is because both are aware that his duty is something he can't abandon. It's a conscious decision on both their parts, not just on Tens.

We see this time and time again when Ten is made to confront the possibility of her death. She is not immune to the misfortune of the world and she knows this. But just because she's aware of this, doesn't mean that she lets it stunt the enjoyment of her life.

This is where their perspectives drastically differ. On one hand you have ten who recognizes that he is not human. The world is cruel and to give in to his love for her would mean losing her eventually. This is why after he is confronted with Sarah Jane, he can't bring himself to describe why she is different. 

Why she is his exception.

So he brings along Mickey to act as a buffer. This is why Rose seemingly disagrees with his idea to bring him along. Her and Mickey are just friends. He still has feelings for Rose, she knows, and to involve him is to give him the impression that he still has a chance. Again, it's not out of jealousy. If it were, she wouldn’t have been so keen on bringing along Sarah Jane Smith after this adventure or Mickey in season 1.

At the price of his comfort, he cruelly doesn’t consider Mickey’s perspective. 

She makes this clear later on when he asks why he was tempted to explore Pete’s world.

“Mickey’s mum just couldn’t cope. His dad hung around for a while, but then just sort of wandered off.He was brought up by his gran. She was such a great woman. God, she used to slap him! But then she died. She tripped and fell down the stairs. It’s about five years ago now. I was still in school.”

“I never knew”

“Well, you never asked.”

“You never said.”

It is his inability, ironically, to not think beyond his best interests that has a tendency to hurt those around him.

The funny thing is, the episode where she is supposed to act jealous and petty is actually the episode where we explore why Rose is such a great match for the Doctor. Because even though Madame de Pompadour belittles her importance to the Doctor and seems to be the main focus of his affectons, Rose still does what she can to save her.

This is who she is. 

Yes, she can be emotional at times but when it really matters, she can put those feelings aside to do what is right. This is something that we see develop in her since season 1. It shows that she is aware of the duty the Doctor has to protect time itself, and it's here that we see her take an active part in it herself.

When Mickey taunts her out of jealousy of their relationship, asserting that the Doctor's intentions are not as pure as she thinks they are, she is quick to defend him. Because she understands that he is not someone that intentionally hurts others. No, he is flawed and his duties are too important to be held to a human standard.

That isn't to say that she is immune to falling victim to the same dark assumptions.

(We see this plainly in the prior episode too, where Mickey's taunts begin to get to her and she assumes the Doctor doesn't value his companions)

It hurts her. You can see that, in the way that she stares longingly into the distance. Coming to terms with the implication of having been left behind, and her role in his life. She will never be his priority. Not when he is the only one left, to ensure that the world won’t plummet in the absence of his own people. 

It is this reasoning that allows her to look beyond herself and reach out to him when he is grieving the loss of Reinette. To ask him if he’s alright, even if its at the cost of her own feelings.

“I’m always alright.”

It is here that she realizes how much he is holding back. How much the constant death is weighing over him. And so, she gives him the space he needs in the meantime. Displaying that strength she has, at the cost of seeing the Doctor at his weakest.

I think this is why in the next episode, when they are trapped in an alternate universe, Ten is seemingly afraid that he might lose her. I mean, to an extent that seems almost overblown but, it makes sense if one infers it's because of how he acted in the prior episode.

 Not only because he seemingly put a wedge between the two of them, but also because more than ever she is aware that his duty is to the universe and not to her. He realizes the extent to which he has taken her love and loyalty for granted. 

How more than ever she is aware that whatever is between the two of them, will never be.

(Personally I see this as his punishment for being so careless in his actions in the prior episodes. Till this day, I still can't watch that episode without feeling so bad for Rose)

His fear is a reflection of his own insecurity: that alien side of him that is incapable of understanding why Rose would choose him above all else.

Rose is not one that would ever hold it against him, however. For the sake of blaming himself, he underestimates the depths of her awareness to the situation they're both in.

She loves him unconditionally. She doesn't expect him to drop his duty. No, more than ever she is aware of the toll it takes on him, from a second hand perspective. 

This is why in Doomsday when Jackie criticizes her for becoming too alien, and for not settling down, she stresses that she will never have a normal life because the Doctor never will. It was never the traveling that made her stay, it was him. The thought of him facing the world alone, to revert back into a miserable version of himself because he has no one to ground him, is a reality she can't live with.

(not to mention, her becoming too desensitized to the life she lives is a problem that can be traced back to season 1 as well. Showing that this is very much a real thing that can happen if she doesn't maintain something that grounds her to the human world)

So she takes it upon herself to be there for him when he hasn't asked. This is incredibly selfless and consistent to her character since season 1.

So when she seeks out Pete, she's not really doing it with the intention of staying. She's curious to see who her father is in a universe where he seemingly lives. Because to her, he is her father regardless of whether or not the body he is in is the original. This universe's versions of the people in her life does not make them any less valid simply because they're slightly different, at the core of them is the people she loves. 

In every universe is a version of the person she loves that when prompted, will save her. This is seen in how it's seemingly these two versions of her parents that do something to help her even at their own expense. With this Pete, being the one to save her before she gets sucked into the void and this Jackie, being the one to save them both from an immediate conversion

(Hint hint, this is the attitude that prompts her to accept Tentoo and it's also a big part of her journey in the Rose Tyler dimension cannon audios.)

This is also the episode where her friendship with Mickey essentially ends for the time being. Seeing how much the Doctor and Rose have grown to love one another gives him the courage to leave. To find that part of the world that is his, even if it means putting a pause on his friendship with Rose. It hurts her to see him go, goes to show you how close they are, but Rose understands that this is something he has to do. That he, just like she did with the Doctor, has to put himself first.

This is why in their final moments together they don't kiss. It parallels her first departure, but without the affirmation that they're going to continue their romantic relationship.

In the kiss they do share earlier, it is one sided.  Initiated by Mickey and one that Rose doesn't seem responsive to, doesn't even close her eyes. It comes unnaturally to the two of them, as if to show how their relationship has changed.

Rose does not share the same outlook that the Doctor does. It's because of this, that their perspectives have a tendency to clash when they're in danger. 

She doesn’t let the moments they have together be weighed down by the knowledge that their time together is limited. No, it is that knowledge that helps her be more outright with her affections towards him. Carrying the strength and hope they both need to continue finding the joy in living in the present. 

We see this presented explicitly, when they realize they're stuck on Krop Tor.

"Can you build another Tardis?

"They were grown, not built. And with my whole planet gone, we're kind of stuck."

"Well it could be worse. This lot said they'd give us a lift."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. Find a planet. Get a job. You live a life same as the rest of the universe.

The Doctor can't handle the thought of Rose dying. You see this, in the manner that he is so quick to give up hope once he has accepted their potential doom. 

It goes to show that the strength and peppy attitude he has, is nothing more than a mask. That deep inside, he is afraid and struggling to hold it back.

This is where we seemingly see how he really is, how he really feels. 

How hesitant he is at accepting that there's a way out. 

How quickly he reverts back to cynicism when he isn't reminded that there's still something to fight for.

Rose understands this. 

It's because of this, that she resorts to humor. Telling him about the potential outcomes of their current situation, that won't end in death. That even as they wait for their inevitable end, they can still enjoy their final moments together.

It's in that moment, where they're both vulnerable that she admits she sees herself sharing a life with him. Something that seemingly stuns him back to the present, and causes him to put his walls up.

This must be terrifying to him. 

To have someone understand him so well, that he is caught off guard by how quickly she is able to bypass any prior barriers.

"I promised Jackie I would always take you back home"

"Everyone leaves home in the end"

"Not to end up stuck here."

"Yeah but stuck with you, that's not so bad."

"Yeah?"

"Yes"

It's her ability to not take his reluctance to voice his feelings personally, that causes him to smile. Because it's the moment he realizes that she sees him for who he is, and understands.

It's her capability to see what he means to say that prompts her to kiss his helmet right before he goes. It is what gives them the strength to watch one another as he drops below the surface with Ida.

In other words, it is what gives her the confidence to reaffirm what he means to her even if he can't express it back.

"Oh she knows"

That is why he doesn't see the need to voice how much he loves her right before he drops to the unknown. In a leap of faith, he realizes that really the only belief he really holds is in Rose Tyler. That he will have another opportunity to voice his feelings, away from imminent death.

Rose also devotes all her belief in him, and willingly shoots at the glass in an attempt to survive for his sake.

Beyond all reason, it's this complete devotion to one another that causes them to overcome the challenges that stand in their way. It is what motivates them to assume that the other is alive, even when the odds are against them.

It's this faith, that gives them the strength to continue living once they're separated…only to then reunite in season 4.

(Where another parallel can be found, in how they both seemingly always end up running towards one another. They both hold on to the one person they know will never fail them.)

"Love and Monsters" demonstrates the extent of Jackie's loneliness. She is a single mother who fills the void her husband left with casual relationships. Her daughter is the only real constant part of her life and the fact that she was "left behind" by her Pete is what causes her to harden and see the world very critically. 

It explains why she had such a hard time understanding Rose and her manner of thinking, because it goes against what she craves: security.

This is why she struggled to let her go, but now the Doctor is essentially her family too, and so her loyalty extends to him too. The Tylers are exceptionally loyal, they love unashamedly and they lend a hand to anyone who needs it: Mickey and the Doctor. They may clash often, but that loyalty is what allows them to hold on to one another in spite of their flaws as people. 

They're the ultimate ride or dies.

Jackie and Rose are very alike in this way, this is why they often fight. Their love for the people in their lives is so intense, that they have trouble separating that love from their decisions. It is what gives them the strength to stay by the side of their loved ones, even if it means sacrificing their own needs.

But something that I think people overblow is the reason why Jackie tells her that she's becoming someone unlike herself.

The reason why Rose's life was able to be relatively stable, unlike some companions who came after her, is because she makes an effort to maintain both her human life and her life in the stars. They're intricately intertwined, much like how Donna is also able to maintain her foundation in spite of the memory loss.

The Doctor really isn't her whole life if you think about it. She is not being forced to stay by his side and she does take the time to spend time with family outside of their adventure. 

She chooses to concentrate on their relationship but she has the choice to divide time for others as well.

There is another aspect of her, that I feel like too many people might misunderstand.

She doesn't think of herself as the Doctor's replacement. Her role by his side does not conflate her self importance, she is more than aware that ultimately she is not him. That she, is not granted the same liberties that he has to put her life on the line. 

She knows she is not the Doctor. And she, is comfortable with embracing her role as his companion. She wishes to share his responsibility, not take it over.

This is why she is able to maintain this human aspect of herself for so long. She's still compassionate and understanding, because the tough call is not on her hands most of the time. If it was, she would have gradually lost that part of herself in season 1. But nonetheless it becomes a possible outcome if she's not careful, just like her mother warned.

When she is clinging for her life in Doomsday, something I don't see enough people point out is how truly selfless Rose was at this moment to let go of her hold, for the good of humanity. She reaches for the lever, knowing that there is a good chance she will die, this is why she takes the time to look at him while she desperately holds on.

She wants the last person she sees to be the man she loves; to find the courage to do what is right at the cost of her own life. It was not done out of recklessness.

This is why they are perfect for one another. Because they both understand that they are not the center of the universe, that ultimately, the duty they now share comes first.

This is explored further in the Dimension Cannon audios, that gives context to the development she goes through that leads to her reappearance in season 4.

Her reasons for using the dimension cannon are more complex than they appear at first glance. Her sole reason for finding him is not only because of the love she feels for him, but because she also has to put a stop to the mass destruction of every universe. 

I see way too many people use her reasoning for coming back as evidence that she has this weird obsession with the Doctor, and that's just not true. 

She seeks him out because she has to. 

If she gets to stay with him afterwards, that's just a plus.

(from here on out, I will give out some direct spoilers on said audios to provide more context to the development we see in show. Skip to after the 2nd row of asterisks if you don’t wish to be spoiled)

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It is in the realm of the audios, that Rose is entrusted to travel to parallel worlds without the prior knowledge of knowing where she will end up. Every universe is doomed, and she has to find allies in the parallel versions of the people she loves to pick up on details required to find her original world.

There is no such thing as a parallel Doctor. So she must figure out a way to get back to him and warn him, without his help.

Now I must stress, these audios get dark really fast. 

They do not hold back on showing just how awful this duty is, and how it comes at the expense of her humanity and moral code.

At times, she has to manipulate these parallel versions of her friends and family into helping her. To use them, up until she is forced to leave and in doing so, condemning them to a long and painful death.

 Over and over again. 

Imagine what that does to a person? 

To see the people you love, realize that you can't save them. To leave them behind, while hearing them plead for their lives to be saved.

She takes this duty on, under the pretense that her familiarity with the Doctor makes her the most ideal candidate for the job. She embarks on her first trip, thinking that this might be the closest thing she has to being on another adventure and that in the process, she could save some worlds in his absence.

But it's in fulfilling the role as the universe's protector that she realizes just what she signed up for. She becomes the Doctor's replacement, in the same way Jack Harkness takes on Torchwood and partakes in the duty to protect the earth. 

Yet what makes her different from those two, is that she is mortal. She doesn't have the tools they have at her disposal nor the wisdom that they have gained over the span of their extended lives.

No, she can die.

She cannot save anyone.

And there truly is nothing to guarantee that she will succeed. 

We see her struggle to maintain her distance, to not promise a way out to the people she encounters because there is none. She is no hero, she is their angel of death.

In an act of defiance to the death that will follow her, on her first trip, she saves an alternate version of Clive and takes him under her wing. Only to come to the realization that one life is not enough to make up for all the millions that died under her watch.

It is because of this that she opts to not embark on said missions alone anymore. Instead, she takes her own Pete, Jackie, and Clive only to find that they too struggle to maintain their distance. If not for them, then who will ground her?

It's in one of these solo missions, that she crumbles under the weight of the responsibility that she adopted. 

In a twist of fate, she is imprisoned inside a red phone box. Trapped inside with no means of escaping, and no real guarantee that she will find a means of leaving before the world goes to shit.

It is in this moment, where she is left to wallow in her situation, that we see her break down. She admits this to her mother, who can hear her through the intercom.

"I can't"

"Rose you're scaring me, just get out. Find a way"

"I'm locked inside a police box."

"What? A Tardis?"

"No Mum, a real one. A red one, all musty on the inside."

"Well you gotta get out."

“I know.”

I'll skip ahead, but I felt this was necessary to include to show how dire the situation is.

"I'm sorry.”

“Rose?”

 “It’s the same mom. Same doors, same noise, same light through the windows-I think they’re a bit smaller. If I half close my eyes, i’m there..but it’s not, i’m not. I’m not him. I’m not a time lord. No psychic paper. No sonic, No centuries of knowledge. Only one heart..”

“Sweetheart, I know it hurts but you gotta get it together.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, pick a lock or something?”

“How did he do it?”

“Sheer cheek, most of the time”

“He lit up every room he was in, they always listen to him! He walked through hell like it was a walk in the park.”

Because now she realizes how important it was for him to remain strong, to smile in the face of danger. Before it was easy to assume that she understood everything there was about how he looked at the world. The size of the burden, and what it meant to share it.

But now she’s in his shoes and the truth is starting to settle in. Jackie says this in response, as a means of putting things into perspective for Rose.

“If the universe needs the Doctor, then the universe needs Rose Tyler to find the Doctor. I’m so proud of you but you need to stay alive. One heart. One life, you got that?”

Rose never sought to replace him, we see that here in the manner that she can't handle being in his shoes. She is starting to develop that very same cynicism that he once had and is beginning to feel a sense of inferiority.

This is why she needs someone with her, much like how the Doctor needs a companion. This is a duty that he has to share with someone, not alone.

Jackie believes in her strength, because she knows that she has it in her to prevail. Rose and the Doctor are not the same, but nonetheless she is now the closest thing he has to an equal. And she has to learn to handle this new responsibility through her own means, not by what the Doctor believes is right.

(This is as far as I will share because there's still one audio left in the series and it has yet to come out, so I will hold on to my final conclusions until then. In the meantime though, I urge you all to check them out. They are absolutely worth it!)

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But with this in mind, the hardened version of Rose we see in season 4 makes more sense. It's why the thought of having an alternate Donna die doesn't really dissuade her into using her, and why she is so unlike the Rose Tyler we knew. 

She has matured.

This is reflected in her clothing: the overly practical nature of her outfit and her leather jacket. It purposefully parallels the outfit her first Doctor wore at his lowest point. The version of himself that was overwhelmed by the responsibility he held to uphold what his people once did.

I believe it's this new understanding of his perspective that stops her from putting a name to the nature of their relationship to Donna. She assumes they're together, but Rose neither agrees nor denies her assumption. 

Because she can't make that decision on his behalf, not when he has so much at stake.

It is this new attitude that also seemingly makes her more distant. Less forgiving towards the Dalek threat and less inclined for a peaceful confrontation because she understands that sacrifices must be made for the greater good. It's why she serves as his support system throughout all the chaos, she knows now how overwhelming it is.

Yet that part of her that seeks to comfort those she loves is still there. We see this in the way that when the Doctor is struck, she does not waste time wallowing in all that she has done to get to him. No, she puts aside her feelings and tells him how much she missed him. Tells him she's been busy, as a means of not burdening him with all that she has done to get to him.

(Just as an additional tidbit, I don't know why people use these small bouts of jealousy she briefly displays in the first half of this two parter to justify why they believe Rose wouldn't get along with other companions. She canonically does lol She even compliments Martha and is seen to be on good terms with both Donna and Sarah Jane? Her initial jealousy stemmed from disappointment in being left out. It's not enough to warrant the impression that she is a jealous person all the time.)

With all this in mind, it also offers an additional reason as to why she ultimately ends up choosing Tentoo.

Her final decision is not done on a whim, no, it's her being exposed to the constant dread of a life in his shoes, that puts things into perspective.

She cannot continue chasing after him.

When she is returned to that beach, she comes to the realization that the Doctor is going to decide what is best for her, again. 

In the time they have spent apart, he hasn't changed his outlook on his prior decision. He is still firm in his belief that she is better off living without him (the timelord version), so much so that he does not ask for her input.

It's because of this that she decides to not back down. To not let him think that he can get away with deciding on her behalf because she's not the same woman she was all those years ago. 

Given that it's her life, it is she who needs to make the final call.

Notice that what she asks, when deciding what path to choose, is for clarification on what he meant to say on their initial separation.

The reason why this is important is because the man she knew, would never say it out loud. Only the one capable of changing and giving into that love, would ever do such a thing.

And that version of him is Tentoo.

He is human, but most importantly, his duty to the universe is the same as her own. Indirect. The original Time lord self can continue handling things in his absence so he's got nothing stopping him from enjoying a life by her side. One that can either be mundane or filled with adventure, but it will be spent with one another.

The choice was obvious.

(Notice that this is not the first time she is asked to make this choice. The first time being with Mickey, where she seemingly chooses the life of thrills over her relationship with him, over love. Now that she knows what both paths entail, this time she prioritizes love and chooses Tentoo. 

With the growth she underwent throughout her seasons, she realizes that it's not the adventure she wants, it's the Doctor. This is her, finally making the decision that fits this version of herself that understands that love is what she needs)

But it's with this in mind that she questions what the fate of the time lord Doctor would be if she stays. That is why she says "it's still not right, the Doctor is still you."

Because she personally knows what his role entails. She was barely able to handle it on her own with the help of her family, who is to say that he won't crash and burn when he is alone?

The Doctor is not only his name, but his promise to strive for the greater good. In other words, the role he plays for the universe. She doesn't mean that they're not the same man. No, she means to point out that the price of her happiness will come at his expense. 

That the time lord version, no matter what she chooses, will forever be tied to the responsibility of handling the universe.

"And I am him"

With this, Ten assures her that he too, in a way, will get his happy ending. Because by choosing Tentoo, he guarantees that this version of himself, his tenth incarnation, will not suffer the same fate that he will. A new man will not walk away in his shoes, no, this version of himself will spend the rest of his life loving the woman that he was made to love. To have the one adventure he can never have.

It does not come without pain of course. That is why he can’t bare to see the two together, and turns his back on them. Realizing then and there, that there is no longer a place in the life she will live from here on out.

When she kisses Tentoo, it is both a way of imparting that final sense of gratitude to the time lord version of himself (who allowed for this to happen), and it is also to signify the beginning of a new life she will spend with Tentoo. 

Tentoo is the Doctor, he harbors those same desires that the time lord version of himself has. He is human, which grants him the freedom to choose what path he wants and that path is none other than hers.

It would make absolutely no sense to have her resent him or even believe he isn't the Doctor.��

This is the girl who was able to love multiple versions of her father and mother. That through her solo adventures was reminded that at the core of individuals, are traits that remain regardless of their circumstances.

Why would she not love him too?

A detail I love is that when she hears the Tardis dematerialize, her first instinct is to stop and see it go. 

She is not running to stop him, that much is obvious, because she stops long before she even reaches it.

No, she just stands there and looks at it. 

Just like she would have done had she had the chance to see the earth go on her first trip. This is her goodbye, her affirming that he will be remembered and his importance in her life.

That is why Tentoo joins her, silently taking her hand as if to assure her that he is still there.That he understands that this, is her way of saying goodbye to his other self. But don’t fret, it won’t be long before they too will have their own adventures amongst the stars.

That being said, God forbid he finds out that Jackie joined her on her dimension cannon adventures, he would freak lmao

[originalgenshinscenarios]

Monthly special: Variable Barricade crossover!

I'm finally done with it! For now it doesn't differ much from the game, really I was rewriting the scenes more than anything but I'm glad it's finally done. It might be weird for now but honestly I just can't wait to get to write the romance!

Taglist: @audre-falrose

If you want to join the taglist just send an ask or dm me!

Reader here is female and has established background.

Cw: Age gap (Reader is 18 and the ladies are ages 20-24)

Next chapter =>

A young woman from a wealthy family always seeks a spouse who is of an equal status or preferably higher. At least that's what you always liked to believe…

As the only heir of the L/N family, you had your fair share of responsibilities. Marriage just happened to be on the higher priority list. It was expected of you. You had to pick yourself a man or allow your family to pick him for you.

It was a lot to agree to, given you never had any interest in men. Oh how you remember those meetings with businessmen who tried to match you with their sons. While not all of them were that bad it didn't change the fact that you ever only saw yourself beside a woman.

But you can't have everything in this world, so you've accepted the fact that your love life might never be fulfilling to you.

… but you were never so clueless about the upcoming storm.

Part one: chapter 1- Engagement at the first sight.

"Good morning miss Y/N" your maid greeted you with a practiced smile.

"Good morning"

"I've prepared your bag for today, is there anything else you require?"

"No, that will be all. Thank you" taking your bag you realized that it's slightly heavier than normal, but it's likely due to the extra materials you had prepared for the start of the semester. As a soon to be heir you've attended a prestigious school, it almost feels weird how close you are to graduation- where all of your actual responsibilities will begin.

Before your mind drifted away fully you've heard a familiar voice "Good morning my lady, I trust you're ready for school? You still have a few more minutes before we have to go" turning around you saw Thoma. He was one of many servants, but he was unlike all of them. He was your true ally… but even if you hold him in such high regard he had recently abandoned you as soon as your vacation had started. Granted his trip was purely to perfect his skills as a butler, but he still decided to hide his information from you until the very moment of his departure. So naturally you were mad at him, while being happy to see him at the same time.

"Good morning to you too Thoma" you looked at him, more glared almost like you wanted to tell him that he should've come to greet you earlier and that you were still mad about what he had hidden from you. He of course immediately caught on.

"I'm not sure how many times must I apologize to you miss, but I only wish for you to understand that-"

"Yes, I'm aware that grandfather had arranged it" you cut him off, as you heard this explanation before on more than one occasion. You definitely could see that villain plot something just to inconvenience you- but that's just how your grandfather was. Always ready to make your life ever so harder.

"I'm quite flattered that you missed me so much, but can we please move past it?" of course he was right about you missing him but all you could say was "It's not about me missing or not missing you, it's how you abandoned your duties without notice" although your words were harsh Thoma could see right through you, he always did but he didn't have a habit of arguing with you about your intentions "I see, in that case I stand corrected" although his smile was polite you could feel the smugness behind it. Almost like he was saying "we both know you're lying" but not in a very malicious way.

He knew that you felt hurt, betrayed even but there was nothing he could do when it was your grandfather's orders. It would be nice if someone took your feelings over orders though “No matter what my reasons are, I’m sure you agree that you ought to make it up to me” you said as your mood got a little brighter.

"Naturally, I don't intend to leave like that again so it shouldn't be a problem" he affirmed before continuing "We should get moving now, you wouldn't want to be late now would you?" there was no room for a disagreement from you so the two of you left your family estate.

-

After getting in the car there was only silence. The atmosphere wasn't tense at all, yet you felt like something big was going to happen today. Thoma had avoided your gaze which made you wonder if he wasn't hiding anything from you again. Last time when he had that trip planned he also tried to avoid looking at you, so you became a little suspicious "Thoma?" you got his attention "Yes my lady?"

"Do we have anything scheduled for today? I was hoping to go out with Ayaka" you knew asking directly was pointless but you made sure to emphasize "we", it was so he knew that you planned to take him with you like any other time.

"I'm afraid today won't work, master L/N wanted to speak with you today. My apologies for not mentioning it sooner, but I thought it'd save you some stress while at school" he sighed as you knew that he felt bad for you. You froze in place as you thought about having to deal with that old man "Do you have any idea what that might be about?" you asked, trying to hide your distaste "I do, but I was asked to not mention it to you" he said equally disappointed. Of course nobody had to know if he told you right here and there, but knowing what he knew he definitely didn't want to be the one to break it to you.

You sighed and before you knew it you were at the academy. It was an all girls school, where everyone comes from rich and influential families. You politely exchanged greetings to each girl you've passed. You didn't know them all but you knew better than to ignore them.

"Good morning Y/N" finally you were greeted by a familiar face "Good morning to you too Ayaka"

"You seem worried, is something on your mind?"

"I'll have to wonder all day what my grandfather is plotting" you sighed heavily. To give you some comfort Ayaka placed her hand on your shoulder "I'm sure you'll be alright. I don't think there's anything he can say that you can't handle"

"Let's just hope you're right…" it's not that you had no faith in yourself. It's more that it's him you're dealing with.

"You know, your grandfather isn't such a villain. From the times I've spoken to him nothing seems to make him out half as evil as you make him out to be" you heard that from more than one person whenever they know what you think of him. You thought if anyone- Ayaka would be different.

"Perhaps because he meets levels of basic decency with guests?" it was but a common sense to not disrespect members of the Kamisato family.

"How about Thoma? How does your grandfather treat him?" she asked, but she looked like she already knew the answer.

You on the other hand weren't exactly sure "You'd have to ask him yourself" to Ayaka you aren't a perfect liar, so she'd easily see through all of that. So making up an answer wouldn't do you any good.

"Well, at least they have one in common" she smiled and all you could do is look at her confused.

"And what could that be? How can a rude old man be compared to someone like Thoma?"

"Both of them certainly care much about your well being. You may not believe it but each time I chat with your grandfather he'd talk about you. And not in a way you'd assume"

"Oh really? I'd have to hear it to believe it"

"Of course he has a habit of throwing the word ''foolish'' pretty often. But besides that little detail I think anyone can agree that he doesn't mean any harm to you. Honestly I envy how casually you can speak to him"

"I wouldn't call arguments ''casual speech''"

"I suppose we just have different view on the matter" she looks away and when things were getting a little awkward she said "Regardless, I think you shouldn't worry so much about what he has to say"

-

You stood up to each challenge the universe had in stock for you for today. It allowed you to feel more confident about today's meeting. But as the day wasn't over so were your challenges.

There was a big commotion outside "What's going on over there?" you wondered "I have no idea" Ayaka looked just as confused as you "Nobody does. All we know is that there are four women by the gate, they all look so classy! I wonder what they are looking for" a student joined your conversation.

No matter what their business was, you had to go back home so you went towards the gate. You saw the ladies and they seem to have their eyes on you. When you were close enough to approach they all blocked your path. Before you could ask them what's going on they all took out roses and all of them said "Marry me" at the same time.

"Did you hear that?" "Did they say marry?" "I didn't know L/N had such tastes…" and other whispers could be heard from the students who all watched the situation unfold.

You didn't know what to say- but then again you weren't proposed to a bunch of gorgeous women on a daily basis. After taking a moment you were able to respond "Is this some kind of a joke… or a uh… misunderstanding maybe? Surely you all didn't just propose to me" you tried to be as calm as you could get.

"My, my the old guy was right- your reaction would be priceless indeed" one of them said, she had light pink hair the rose she was holding had almost the same color.

"To think you'd be so cold about the rejection, I can't let that slide. I'll have my vengeance" the one that had threatened you had beautiful golden eyes the rose she held was a strong shade of red.

"Although I should feel relieved at my rival dropping her chances this early, I insist that you'll stop yourself from making such threats miss Eula" another one spoke up. She was dressed the most formally among the group and her rose was white and elegant much like herself.

"You're making a scene here, the poor girl must be so confused" the last one finally spoke. She had a mysterious aura around her much like a dark purple rose she was holding. Although it was nice that she took your feelings into consideration you still had no idea what was happening.

You looked around trying to notice some hidden cameras or something that'd indicate that what's happening to you is just some sick joke. Or at least you were hoping to see Thoma- who could get you out of here.

“What are you looking for? If you think it’s some prank you’re mistaken my dear, everything you see here is very much real” the first one spoke up again. Her speaking so bluntly helped you adjust to the reality, you definitely can handle such forward strangers “May I ask who are you ladies exactly? Could you please tell me how you know me and what’s the meaning behind your sudden proposal? Do you even have permission to be here in the first place?” you said as you were surprised nobody reacted to strangers blocking the gate without any problems from the security.

"Alright then let's start with a simple introduction" the woman who earlier tried to put herself in your shoes spoke but before anyone could follow that you heard "I believe that won't be necessary" turning around you saw Thoma who continued "There will be plenty of time for that later. Miss Y/N, we must get going" he turned to the women "As for you, we'll meet at our arranged spot" he definitely knew what was going on. But before you made yourself into any bigger fool you waited until you got into a car.

"Before you lash out on me I told Master that it was a terrible idea" he said equally as annoyed as you were "I can't believe it! He really went through that knowing how you'd react" that was surprising, you don't usually see Thoma snap like this. He cleared his throat "But I suppose he'll explain everything to you once we get back to the estate" with that you stayed quiet. You were just speechless. Not only because of what happened but also because of how Thoma handled it. You don't remember seeing him this angry before.

-

Upon your arrival the silence still wasn't broken. You went ahead to meet with your grandfather, with each step you knew that whatever he had planned you're not going to like what you're about to hear.

"Y/N it's been a while" he said almost like he was proud of his little plan.

"It wasn't long enough" you said coldly.

"Haha! Wanted more time to miss me?"

"Indeed I did, perhaps that way I'd be able to forget how exhausting it is to talk to you" although it's annoying sometimes talking to your grandfather has proven to be a good practice for when someone tries to get on your nerves, at least it's easier to react without losing yourself.

But your sarcastic attacks have ended and with it silence filled the room. You felt tense and you had waited for him to explain himself but losing your temper and focus now will only lead to his victory. You can't possibly allow that "Well then, what was the reason for you to see me?"

"Didn't you figure it out already? I want you to tell me what do you think of the four women I chose for you" blunt as always. He always has to hit you with such a lack of tact. His voice was impatient but you were only surprised to hear that he was the one who chose your suitors.

"Excuse me…?" you panicked as you connected the dots. He knew. He knew without you ever telling him.

"I trust they were all to your liking? I'm sure you at least agree that they are beautiful indeed" his smug smile knew no bounds.

"Just wait a moment! What was the reason for you choosing women as my possible marriage candidates!?" this definitely was a joke on his part, a way to taunt you. Perhaps he set that up as a reminder that he had chosen for you and you had no say in the matter, you were only allowed a choice. The first wave was just a prank and the actual candidates might be some guys. That must be it!

"Did I read the signs wrong? Do you want me to match you with men instead?" this threw your possible theory out of the window.

"Yes!... I mean… not exactly… Just think what scandals might arise from that!" although you were happy about not being matched with men, you were still bothered by the entire situation so maybe if you bring it up it'll save you some time. That way you may be able to find someone on your own.

"Oh please we're not in the times where such things matter anymore. I thought I was supposed to be the old fashioned one" the way he said it made your blood boil. He never could take your concerns seriously now could he?

"Alright, I see your point… how long did you know?" you wanted to know how obvious you were. Perhaps he was more observant and caring than you thought. After all, he did you a huge favor by finding those ladies.

"I'd say quite a lot. I thought I was doing you a favor by sending you to an all girls school, but of course you'd miss an occasion like that. You could find yourself quite a bride but since you took your sweet time I had to step in" to say it made you mad is saying little.

"What do you mean by that? WHO asked something like that of you!? I certainly didn't. It's far too early for me!" you lost it. Everything felt so scary since your future is about to be decided at this very moment. All your grandfather did was sigh "I thought you already were aware that for you finding a suitable spouse is important"

"I do but I believe I have the right to make that choice on my own at my own time!" at least that's what you were told.

"And how would you go about it? By refusing to speak to anyone who isn't a business associate like you always do?" although you didn't want to agree, he was right about your total lack of social skills. As you didn't respond to his question he continued "Look, you don't have to make this choice right now. You'll have plenty of time to get accustomed to them and you can have a lot of time before you come to your final choice. Not only that if you wish to have someone else as your possible suitor just say the word and it'll be arranged" he sounded much less condescending now but after that he stood up to leave "Whatever you do the choice is yours to make"

You stayed in the room in silence, thinking over everything you discussed. Your train of thought however was stopped by Thoma who just entered “So… How did it go?” he was awfully casual but you didn’t mind it at that moment. You needed that, honestly if he asked you in some trained butler way or whatever you'd honestly lose it "You can probably imagine… not very well. I need to rest" you just wanted to go to your room and let this day be over with just so you could think it through. But you'd seen the awkward look on his face and you knew that you won't be done with today's disappointments “I’m afraid the surprises aren’t over yet for you my lady, from this day forward you won’t be living here”

"... What?" you weren't ready for something like that. You didn't even have the energy to say anything more.

"A vacation home is prepared where you'll live with the suitors" with that you recall him mentioning arranged spot. It made you realize that perhaps you knew all along what will happen next but you were just hoping to deny it…

-

You stood in front of a vacation home. Still in shock you had no clue what to say, you weren't here before so Thoma started to tell you about it. He sounded like he wanted to calm you down "The building has three floors. The first one is a common area, second is your suitors' rooms, where the third floor can only be accessed by us" it didn't help much but knowing you'll have some privacy was making the situation from totally unbearable to slightly less totally unbearable "I know it's tough but you must understand that escaping reality will not solve the issue"

"I know that… it's just…" you were too frustrated to find the words.

"If anything happens you know you can talk to me. I'll make sure you'll feel safe so should any of those women try anything I'll see to it that they'll be gone" he reassured you "Now, follow me" inviting you to follow him was like a gentle push into the unknown, then again you won't be alone at any point. So taking a deep breath you go inside.

"Before… uhm… I go to them… can I at least go to my room and change?" you found excuse with your uniform. Thoma smiled at you but before he said anything you heard footsteps.

"Greetings, I heard the door open so I thought it'd be nice to say hi" the girl standing in front of you had dark hair, if you remember correctly it was the one holding the purple rose. Regardless you were still a little stressed "Seems I had a bad timing… sorry about that. I'll let the others know and we'll wait for you okay?" she waited for your response but all you could do was nod. It seems like she didn't need anything more. After she left you asked Thoma to show you to your room where you got ready to see your suitors.

-

"Look who's finally here" the woman with pink hair said with a teasing voice.

"It took a while but it sure was worth the wait. After all seeing such a gem is a treat" although all of the ladies changed that one still remained in rather elegant and formal clothing.

"At least you didn't run away this time" the one who had threatened you before seemed annoyed. But such remarks made you feel the same. It wasn't that you ran away, you were forced to leave! But who is she to judge you anyways?

"It's good to see you aren't as nervous" the one who greeted you by the door smiled but her bringing that up caused the first lady to giggle "Oh that wasn't fair how you got to get to greet Y/N in our place. I definitely would love to see the look on her face now that you mention it"

"What can I say, I was the first one to get there on time"

"It was more that you left without any of us noticing" it seemed like an argument was going to burst out at any moment.

"Let's get to introductions, shall we?" Thoma finally spoke up.

"I'm Eula, you better not forget it" she didn't waste a moment to introduce herself. Considering her behavior towards you so far you wonder what she is doing here in the first place.

"Miko, but soon you'll get the privilege to call me your wife" you finally had a name to connect to that smug smile she displayed so far. She could see that her remark wasn't exactly serious but you could tell that she was here to "win".

"My name is Ningguang. I hope our odd circumstances won't make it hard for you to talk to me" she, just like Miko looked like she was here to "win" but her behavior towards you was different. She was less cocky but not any less confident.

"You can call me Yelan, you'll have to wait to learn more about me later though" from the four she seemed the most concerned about your situation. At the same time she wasn't open about herself at all. Perhaps it was a strategy for you to get interested in her.

But listening to all those introductions it felt awfully weird how all of them were so casual about the whole situation. They also seemed rather close even though they aren't living together for long.

"I hope you don't mind me asking but have you always been friends?"

"Not at all, but after living for a month you could say we got close. Still having Thoma around did make things easier" Yelan said and you immediately glared at Thoma.

"So you lied to me after all!" you didn't take even a second to call him out.

"I'm truly sorry but I couldn't-!"

"Now dear, no need to start an argument here. I'm sure you can tell he had no choice in the matter" Miko was right. But it didn't take away your shock- yet she continued "Let's just calm down okay? I know you're confused but all of us need to adjust to the situation. Of course our circumstances aren't the same but I say we make the best of it"

"Exactly, I'm sure you will pleasantly surprised once you get to know us" Yelan added

"If any of them will be too pushy I'll make sure to kick them out for you" Eula said, although Thoma said just the same thing earlier.

"The only person being pushy right now is you. Give her a breathing room, would you?" although Ningguang was talking to Eula, she was looking at you.

Now that you think of it all of them are looking at you. Perhaps they think that what they've said gained them some points in some made up game where you react positively to their words. You just stood there dazed as you realized that you are now but a prize to be won by these women.

-

After that conversation you went back to your room. Your brain jumps from one topic to another. You never felt this lost. You looked at your phone and remembered that there is one person you can rely on right now. Unlike Thoma, Ayaka won't have any classified information and she surely will listen to you. As you were about to call her you heard a knock on your door "My lady?" the only one who could be there was Thoma. You were still mad at him and you thought it'd be a good time to ignore him. Either that or you'd give him a piece of your mind. After all, your previous argument was cut short. So after thinking of the pros and cons of letting him in- you open the door.

Of course knowing him he didn't come empty handed, he had a tray with tea and your favorite snacks. With an apologetic smile you knew he was trying, but he needed to try more than that to make you forgive him.

"Don't I deserve an explanation first? Or do you take me as some sort of child who will trade her forgiveness for just a bunch of sweets?" you cross your arms. As you stared at him though you felt a little guilty for being so harsh on him.

"Are you really that mad at me…?" he was hurt, but so were you.

"Do you think I have no reason to?" you knew he didn't think that. But by underestimating how betrayed you felt he deserved your cold treatment.

"We both know I'd be lying if I said no…"

"So, are you going to make any excuses?"

"Well, Miss Yae was correct when she said I had no say in the matter. As a mere butler I can't do a lot"

"I know that" it was the truth after all. Perhaps you got used to Thoma always putting you first so much that when he took your grandfather's orders over your feelings you felt surprised. Even though it was normal and very much expected of him as a butler of L/N family… but not expected as your ally "Couldn't you at least warn me? Or not so subtly hint at what's going to happen?"

"I really wanted to, but if I did then they'd fire me" he said it so calmly, it made it clear that to him that choice wasn't hard at all "I wasn't even the one who had to come up with the excuses, but I must admit that today I had to improvise a little. Which didn't let me feel any less guilty I'll have you know" he sighed "But when they threatened my ability to work with you I knew there was no other option"

"To think they'd go that far…" and all that for what? A moment of surprise? Or perhaps there were many reasons you yet have to discover. Suddenly your anger went away from him and went towards your family who'd arrange such a thing.

"No matter what my situation was, what I did harmed you. So as a friend I want to apologize" you really liked the sound of that. After so many years you'd feel odd if your relationship had only the professional side of things. Still, such a statement out of nowhere caught you off guard.

"Uhm… As a friend, I accept your apology" you paused "But now that you don't have to hide anything anymore… care to tell me why now I was assigned suitors?"

"It definitely wasn't out of nowhere if that's what you're thinking. Recently a lot of men showed interest in you. The amount of letters only grew with each month over the past year. Usually what you got to see was filtered to say the least"

"I see, but I still don't understand why that should mean that I'll have suitors arranged right away"

"You see… uh how should I put this… It's more about pressure coming from your extended family"

"Oh. So that's why huh?" of course your "lovely" relatives are behind such a thing.

"That's right, I don't think it's in my place to mention it but they said they rather proceed with caution when it comes to leaving you to your own"

"I see, so they're just doing everything they can to make sure I can't elope" it wasn't unimaginable for them to think you'd do that. But it was your father who didn't accept his fate as an heir. You on the other hand were aware of what you're getting yourself into since day one "It's a shame that they still don't trust me. I know what my duties are"

"It's not all of them who think so I'll have you know, just a loud bunch who insisted on it" he sighed "But they were loud enough for Master to do something about it"

"... Wait! Doesn't that mean…" if these ladies were accepted by both your relatives and grandfather then surely they'd be qualified enough. Most certainly they had some character so you wouldn't be surprised to learn that they're high class "Hm… I should've guessed that highly born women would be slightly different from my previous possible suitors. I'll have to make sure to treat them well"

"Oh…" he suddenly looked nervous and avoided eye contact.

"Thoma… what is it?"

"It's a bit hard to describe-"

"Thoma. You weren't supposed to hide things regarding my suitors anymore"

"I think it's better if you see it for yourself, give me a moment. I'll be right back" this definitely didn't sound good. You waited for Thoma to come back and in the meantime you became increasingly nervous. When he knocked again at your door you opened it right away.

"These are their background reports…"

Hesitantly you took the documents. Confused as to why it'd be a problem you started looking through them. You couldn't believe what you were reading. This is either some kind of joke or maybe wrong documents perhaps?

"Thoma… these background reports…"

"Are true…"

"Just hold on it can't be! If that old man wanted to play a sick joke on me, this is the time you tell me so!"

"That's not it my lady"

You felt like you were about to lose it, you looked at the documents again. You read them through but there is one thing that caught your eye in each one.

"Yae Miko, age 24…kept woman" the last thing you wanted is to be matched with someone whose job is to get taken care of. But perhaps she has something else going for her.

"Ningguang, age 22… Can't keep a job?" you have no idea if it means she's continuously getting fired or is she dropping out "She's unemployed?"

"All of them are…" you could hear that he felt bad for you.

"Great" you said sarcastically.

"Yelan, age 23…Gambler" ah yes because there is nothing better but a gambler in a rich family.

"Eula, age 20…Disowned by the Lawrence family" Although she was the closest to your age not only was she associated with that family she got disowned by them probably for a reason.

"How can this all be!?"

"Calm down Y/N-"

"Don't you dare to tell me to calm down! This is unthinkable, unimaginable! I don't even know what else to say to that" you were losing it, but it's not like Thoma chose your suitors so you realized taking it out on him won't do any good "Sorry, I just need to be alone right now. I need to think this through"

"Of course… but if you need me just say the word" he left the room without saying anything else.

It was a true nightmare. You had no idea why fate had such a thing for you prepared. And more importantly… WHY your suitors were some random women who definitely didn't have the qualifications to be involved with your family!? They were just looking for an easy life... This definitely wasn't how you imagined your marriage to be arranged.

... To be continued...

[sorcerous-caress]

I know requests are closed but I just wanted to say that I found the Halsin x Durge!Reader delicious

Imagine if he did get mad though once he found out about her druid savagness and gets mad and decides breeding her would calm her down more bhaalspawn for her though

I mean, at least you're the only person who acknowledged the fact that my requests are closed while requesting. I gotta give you some points. Others just shoot the request one after another no matter if I say it's closed or not.

You're talking about this fic I assume?

I think he'd feel betrayed. Heartbroken yes but mostly betrayed and robbed, anger is a only a passing madness in Halsin's case that will drive him to march into your tent and drag you by the ankle to offer an explanation, beg for mercy or maybe both.

Have you seen this clip of him being angry? Actually angry? It's during the confrontation of when you murder the grove but let him live.

Imagine that intensity with the fact that it's also his own heart you "played" with. At least from his slightly toxic point of view, he thinks that he was owed you being heroic and innocent. So by being...yk durge, you completely robbed him of his fantasy and shattered that stained glass view he had of you.

It would take a lot to get him to that state, he'd try to argue with anyone who says otherwise that you aren't really responsible for your less than ideal actions, that it's Bhaal controlling you like a curse or something. That you can't possibly enjoy it let alone enthusiastically go along with these dark whims.

A front row seat to one of your gorey shows is all it takes to flip his world upside down.

You're not some fawn learning to balance or a rabbit hiding between his feet. He sees you clearly for the venomous snake that you were, that you are. Curling around him, sinking your body and teeth into him. It must be you why Silvannus hasn't been answering his prayers lately, why the animals in the forest flee from your lingering scent on his body.

Death is too kind of a revenge. You deserve something more cruel, redemption. Willing or unwilling Halsin will drag you to the brighter side, the nicer side, the morally right side. Part of his stubborn hope stems from the fact he grew too weak of a soft spot for you to even consider the idea of ending or harming you in any way. So either you make him worse or he breaks you into being a better person first.

Kick punch and claw at him, it will not phase him. He will hold you down whenever that gleam of sadistic glee shines in your seemingly innocent eyes at the curious squirrel sniffing your hand.

Drown your threats of violence and promises of a bloodbath of gore and viscera to passerbys with his tongue down your throat. Kissing you as if he may purge the evil from within if he got you to melt into his arms.

As a result he becomes harsher in bed, not that you're complaining. If anything it's him who's suffering the most from the way his once gentle grip on your thighs turned bruising and possessive. His once soft slow thrusts became feral and merciless. The way he used to coo praises and apologise against your neck became litters of insult in elvish at how much of a traitor and a snake you are, how you deserve each bite he leaves behind.

He loathes himself, like a poison sinking into his stomach and refusing to resurface. Droplet after droplet falling to weight down his body each time you force his hand into breeding you for an inch of your life so you may do no harm to others nor fulfill your dark destiny as a child of bhaal.

What has he become? How can he call himself a druid?

It feels like it's his job now to keep the evils at bay, to keep the hungery wolves fed with his own flesh, to take care of the monster he has created. You are his responsibility.

It seems like you're getting closer to breaking him by day, especially since he already does half the work himself for you by simply antagonising himself and every loathsome action you force him to take.

[lotusmi]

whew, so this is a LOT for me right now, I felt really down about the void because I kept trying and couldn't enter yet I came across the post about the DMT video where everybody seemed to get either lucid dreams or enter the void. I read that the video will at least give you something, so I was really excited to try it since I thought that the fact that Almost every post I read is about somebody getting some time of results from the video ,I would too. But to my disappointment nothing happened, I tried again and again yet nothing. this is making me very frustrated and I'm bringing my anger on everybody around me, I'm hating on my family members and blaming my religion because I think its the reason why everyone can enter but I can't. I feel like crying because whenever I try for the void and it didn't work I would brush it off and not care even though deep down it hurt. Time is going soo fast and I'm scared I won't manifest in time , at the beginning of the school year when we had a four day weekend I was like this is my time to shine yet nothing happened, I didn't give up hope and decided to try again during winter break, yet to no avail and now its spring break and the school year is basically done and I couldn't even get one wish granted from my wish list,I'm scared the spring break is the last long Break I have to make I change, What if it doesn't work, then I spent a whole school year basically getting nothing. I really feel like the spring break is my LAST chance because there is so many things I wanted to happen that I still have hope can happen if i just enter the void.

dude, if you expect me to pet your head while you had the audacity to write me all this text obessing over the void you were very wrong...

I am very firstly just start saying AGAIN that I am not a void blogger and all those void shit are not my business at all and it seems that you did not even read the posts I made about the void, I know if you did read you would not be despaired like that.

"I read that the video will at least give you something, so I was really excited to try it since I thought that the fact that Almost every post I read is about somebody getting some time of results from the video''

NOTHING in the outside world has more power than you. And there's nothing to change or 'expect' to save you. Nothing outside of YOU can save YOU because the creative power of the whole universe is in your imagination. You do not need the void, a method, a sub, you NEED yourself.

"The great importance of knowing all you need to tap into the void is SELF is that you will stop checking new subliminals, new methods, seeking for information or trying to wonder what you are doing 'wrong'. You have to go straight to the wish fulfilled feeling, you change SELF. All you are searching for is Self." READ THIS POST!!!!!!!

"But to my disappointment nothing happened, I tried again and again yet nothing"

Yes of course, and nothing would NEVER change if you won't change your assumptions about yourSELF. This is not even about the void anymore. As you keep this state of never getting in the void or even this state of 'my life is shit' shit will keep happening to you and this is never going to stop unless YOU DECIDE TO. 'tried tried tried' I don't want you to try anything, you don't have to try. You just have to accept a completely new concept (assumption) about this by deciding you are at your new, desired state. Creation is finished, it is done. There's nothing to create. You just have to understand it is done. And if you read my posts, you would know I would recommend you revising this 'failure' as it never happened, don't accept it! By keep thinking and thinking you are only creating more failure, you can revise or ignore, but keep dweling in failure like a victim will imply your victim state.

"this is making me very frustrated and I'm bringing my anger on everybody around me, I'm hating on my family members"

I don't even know what to comment. This is not your family problem, it is yours. Why keep putting the fault in others? You should be embarassed of guilt trip others like that when you are The Creator of your reality.

"I think its the reason why everyone can enter but I can't"

well the problem will NEVER be outside. It's always within. So it there's any reason, the reason is you. You are the Cause. "The entire outer world is solely produced by imagining." + The power in you is the exactly same power in everyone that succeeded. The difference are the assumptions you hold.

"Time is going soo fast and I'm scared I won't manifest in time"

Time is not real and fear is an illusion. + Creation is DONE. There's no such a thing as not having time. You have to understand that manifesting is done in IMAGINATION and there's no past or future in the mind, there's only NOW. So assume you are and have what you want NOW.

"yet nothing happened"

Nothing happens 'out of nowhere'. You have to assume in your favour. You have the power. No one is coming to save you or to pick you and put you in the void. YOU have to take control.

"I couldn't even get one wish granted from my wish list"

You are the only creator in your reality, if you had knew that your imagination was your real reality and accepted your desired there by fulfilling within your desires, ALL your wishes would be granted now. “Dwelling on past irritations or hurts perpetuates them and creates a vicious circle that serves to confirm these negative emotions.” Neville Goddard

"I'm scared the spring break is the last long Break I have to make I change, What if it doesn't work, then I spent a whole school year basically getting nothing."

What you won't see is that the future is being made by you RIGHT NOW. It's not some random crazy thing that will happen to you. But what you assume to your life. Again, there's nothing to change outside of you, all you have to change is yourself, within. EVERYTHING STARTS FROM WITHIN, YOUR IMAGINATION. + Why are you concerning by it won't working at this point? Literally, I already said that you have to start ignoring those doubts, you already know that doubts are not real and you should not pay attention to any of those annoying thoughts since thoughts DONT manifest. What you accept and identify yourself as being or having DO. You are literally assuming failure to your future omg...

"I really feel like the spring break is my LAST chance because there is so many things I wanted to happen"

Why would it be the 'last chance'? This does not even has any sense at all. You can revise all your past literally as you want. + Just assume those things already happened in your future

"I still have hope can happen if i just enter the void"

The void is just a method. Omg. Stop obesessing over it. You can have all you want my fulfilling your desires within. Stop putting a method in a pedestral. This literally looks soo unhealthy not gonna lie. Work in your Self Concept, manifest without the void WHILE attempting to tap, learn better about the law. Read this, this, this, this.

"All changes must first come from within himself; and if he does not change on the outside it is because he has not changed within. But man does not like to feel that he is solely responsible for the conditions of his life" - Neville Goddard

[mysticbewitched]

Banishing Victim Mentality:

◇ What is victim mentality?

(Important Note: this is only about taking responsibility for your mindset revolving around manifesting your desires and embracing your power.)

Victim mentality is when you are under the false assumption that - life happens to you and you are completely powerless to your circumstances. You think everything around you is set in stone for good and that there's nothing you can do to change it. It feels like victim mentality isn't talked about nearly enough in this community even though leaving that sort of mindset behind will solve all the problems for people struggling to manifest. I think it's immensely important to address the issues with victim mentality, so everyone who is struggling can pinpoint the root cause of their struggles and realize that it all goes back to the mindset. Your power lies all in the mind. Once the root cause is corrected, there's no more struggling to manifest your desires. Everything directly goes back to the state of mind. Remember, consciousness is the only reality and if you are in the mindset of struggling to manifest your desires and being a victim of life being unfair to you (money struggles, hard circumstances, not getting what you want, things not working out in your favor, etc) that will continously be reflected back. That is the law operating at work.

First things first, you must quit complaining about this, complaining about that, and thinking that the universe is always out to get you. Throw all that out the window, no more complaining. You are not a victim, you are a creator. Secondly, you must work on your mindset and build more belief in yourself.

To the reader struggling: the main goal here is for you to believe and trust in yourself, your power, and your own abilities as a creator.

Once you reach that point, you're absolutely solid. You have changed the game and manifesting anything you desire is so damn easy at that point. That's where you want to be if you wish to master the law and Neville's teachings.

When you are deep in the victim mentality:

✖️ You don't trust and believe in yourself or your own power.

✖️ You are asleep to the fact that you are truly the master of your own reality and have infinite power over everything in your world, so you feel entirely powerless to the circumstances around you.

✖️ You think that manifesting is hard and such a struggle for you.

✖️ You think as if "life is out to get you".

✖️ You dwell in the pity-party "woe is me" mentality when things don't go your way.

✖️ You think that life just isn't fair.

✖️ You dwell in the mindset of being a victim of your life all the time.

☆ Let me ask you a few questions and be honest with yourself:

Do you feel like you are the only person who cannot manifest what you want?

Do you constantly give up on persisting every time the outside world shows you the opposite of your desire?

Do you feel jealous and envious of others who are able to manifest their desires and dream life?

Are you struggling to manifest your desires?

Do you constantly doubt yourself and your power?

Do you feel as if you are the one exception to the law?

Do you feel as if manifestation is hard and difficult for you?

Do you feel as if the hard circumstances in your outer world cannot possibly change?

Do you feel as if your life "happens to you"?

Do you feel as if "the universe is against you?"

Do you feel as if no matter how hard you try you cannot manifest your desires?

Do you lack self-confidence in yourself and your own abilities?

Do you believe you are a victim of your world instead of the operant creator?

Do you constantly complain when things do not go your way?

Do you feel desperate and needy for your desires because you need something to change now?

Does manifestation feel entirely hopeless to you and do you feel ready to give up on yourself?

Do you struggle with persisting in the state of the wish fulfilled no matter what?

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

If you answered yes to any of these questions, a few, or all of them - that is the problem, love. You are operating from the victim mentality and it feels as if the weight of the world is upon your shoulders, am I right? I understand why some of us struggle very hard with victim mentality because we were raised on the limiting beliefs in society to make us feel helpless and powerless to our circumstances. I'm here to tell you - fuck all that limiting bullshit. We're going to change that shit around today. What you need to do is work on your self-concept. You can solve all the issues and the struggling with your manifestations by letting go of the victim mentality completely and changing your mindset. Once you change your mindset to know for sure with confidence and trust that you are the master of your own reality. - It's all an easy breeze from here. Your life, your manifestations, and everything is just paradise for you. Your outer world ultimately transforms into a paradise, you become the modern Abdullah in your mentality, and your desires come flooding through the door. How amazing is that? It doesn't matter how much you have struggled in the past or how much you're struggling now, once you truly realize and understand the untouchable power you have over your own reality - you will never have to struggle or doubt yourself ever again.

You are not a victim, you are the victor.

Take responsibility for your own world. You are the master, the operant power, the head boss, and the limitless creator of your reality. Pick yourself up and do the mental work of persisting in changing your mindset and self-concept then you will ultimately change your life in return, I promise you.

◇ What happens when you truly know your power?:

♡ You manifest your desires so easily and quickly.

♡ You have the total confidence and trust in yourself and your own power.

♡ It's so easy for you to remain calm and secure knowing with certainty that you already have your desires. Maintaining the state of the wish fulfilled is easy and effortless.

♡ You are completely unfazed about the circumstances in the 3D because you know for damn sure that you have the power to manifest absolutely anything you desire and change anything you wish.

♡ No more spiraling or doubting because you know you are the creator. So why worry?

♡ No more struggling to manifest your desires.

♡ You have greater self-confidence.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Awaken from the deep sleep everyone else in the mundane world is under and realize that this is all a dream. This world is only a mirror reflecting your inner mind. Realize you are the God of your own reality and take your power back. Absolutely nothing in this world is more powerful than the power of God. Want a mindset like Neville or Abdullah? Get rid of the victim mentality, kick all that bullshit out the door. We are too fucking powerful to struggle, lovely. There's no struggling in this house.

We are master manifestors and our reality works for us at our command without us having to lift a finger. We are not victims, we are powerful creators. Just change your mind for you to truly see yourself as the operant power and creator of your reality then you will be amazed at how you transform into an untouchable and confident creator who can manifest their desires so easily and quickly.

Shift your mindset and leave the victim mentality behind. The only reason you are struggling to manifest your desires and trust in your own power is because you are currently operating from the victim mentality. Life doesn't happen to you, life happens through you - why? Because you are the one and only powerful creator of your reality. Your reality has no choice but to obey all your desires and commands since you are the boss. Give a middle finger to the victim mentality and change your mindset to unleash your inner Abdullah. That's all you need to do and the rest is history.

◇ Want to know how to change your mindset? Check out my post on: "Helpful hacks for everyone struggling with self-concept and trusting in themselves" and apply it.

Put in the mental work, transform into the modern Abdullah, and embrace the divine power you hold over your own world. Just trust and believe in yourself. Trust and believe in your own power. You have the power. You can do it, I believe in you. Why can't you believe in yourself?

[aoinene-ceo]

I’m curious to know your other femslash ships for Aoi and Nene! Specifically like how would you rank them??

Sorry that this took so long to answer !! I might've been a little too thorough with my response ... (^^;

In all honesty, I find it difficult to discover female characters that are named in tbhk, much less around Nene and Aoi's age, so there aren't that many. Also, I see Sakunene & Aoi and Sakura as more of Aoi & Nene having a crush on an older girl in the class above them !! For convenience sake, I'll be adding some girls I think Nene and Aoi might've had crushes on and why, too !!

This has actually seriously made me realize how little tnhk girls there are ... ( ´_ゝ`)

1) Nene & Shijima Mei (OG Timeline)

To me, Nene is a girl who often finds herself struggling with her femininity. Even when she's learned to cook, sew, and garden in an attempt to become more feminine, it seems like she's still unable to do things properly or "feminine enough." In her opinion, she doesn't have much "feminine charm." Nene bases her value on how much she lives up to this standard of being a pretty, slim legged girl who's quiet and cute. This makes it difficult for her to acknowledge her own appeal, even though she takes most things in stride and is admittedly stubborn.

Shijima Mei, on the other hand, in a way fits the standards Nene is so desperately trying to reach. Except, she seems to be fulfilling them in a ... strange way. Because it's forced on her. She doesn't want to be quiet. In fact, she's ecstatic to talk with Nene in the Picture Perfect Arc. Shijima Mei is pretty and has slender legs, but she's weak and lacks Nene's strength since she's often bound to a hospital bed. Instead of being allowed to express her boundless personality, she's forced to bind it to paper with her art.

I'd imagine Nene admires Shijima Mei simply because she is pretty - as she does with all pretty girls - but also, her ability to keep going and stay optimistic. While she knows that she's going to die, no outcome can change her future, Shijima Mei keeps going. The two of them are both doomed by time. Except, while Nene runs from her fate, Shijima Mei accepts it with open arms. I think that might have partly inspired a fierceness in Nene - if Shijima could keep going, then so could she.

Coming back to the theme of feeling distanced from femininity- if you check all the tbhk official arts, the girls all wear skirts and dresses, except Shijima Mei. In every single art, she's wearing pants. I think the only time we see her wear something skirt/dress like is her hospital gown, and of course, the Shijima created to be a School Mystery.

So, I feel like Shijima's more laidback, carefree attitude would have a positive effect on Nene! She could help her to feel more comfortable in her skin and reassure her of her femininity, reminding her that it looks different on everyone. Nene, on the other hand, could be Shijima's muse and inspire her to make more art! I think it would be really cute if Nene was her favorite subject to draw! Even though Nene didn't appreciate it, I thought it was cute how Shijima accepted her thicker legs and ankles right away and even wanted to draw her almost immediately.

If she ever got healthier, I feel like she would carry Nene around a lot. She actually has quiet the princely character, the one Nene loves so much.

( =＾ω＾)

2) Aoi & Hanazashi

Hanazashi was first introduced in the most recent arc, having been voted as Dorothy due to her bubbly personality and friendly demeanor. I feel she has a similar sort of personality mesh as Shijima and Nene, which would be a good influence on Aoi to loosen up! To be cast as Dorothy, Hanazashi must have a good singing voice! Aoi is also one of the most desired girls in her class, so I feel Hanazashi might get anxious around her and end up ranting a lot due to nerves.

Also, the idea of them rehearsing lines together is super cute! I imagine them gaining a crush on each other during the play - they see the other as they sing a duet, and are amazed by the others voice! And of course, they both look cute in their costumes, too!

(o´▽`o)ﾉ

I'll be honest, I haven't really considered any actual ships besides these ... I looked through the female cast of tbhk so I could find the names of some characters I remember Nene gushing over, and honestly ... there's a very large ratio between the female and male characters. It almost feels kind of like a shounen !! ( ´△｀)

In all honesty, Nene looks up to almost every female character in the cast. She often brings up their physical appearance, and reels in on certain traits that she thinks gives them charm. First of all, Nene is stunned by Yako when she appears, and she easily lets Sumire do whatever she wants. Almost immediately, she wanted to help Sumire right away. In all honesty she gushes over Aoi with every breath, and she marveled at Sakura "looking beautiful like a doll." With Shijima Mei, she was a bit weirded out by her at first, but she immediately thought, "Wow she's pretty," basically.

If there was anyone Aoi looked up to, I think it would be Sakura, Himari, or Minami! Sakura is well liked among her classmates, but she has a mysterious aura and an almost doll like beauty. She's quiet, but anything but delicate. Himari is mature and hangs off Minami's side. Even though she carries herself in a more adult way, she also knows how to have fun and socializes well despite being a but shy. Minami is very extroverted and liked for her boisterious personality and loud self expression! I think Aoi would admire her ability to do that and express herself so freely!

(〃´▽`)

Okay, that's all I got !! Sorry if it wasn't exactly what you wanted, I'm not really good with characters, I think ... ( ﾟεﾟ；)

[fwoopersongs]

赋得古原草送别 - Composed from: Bidding Farewell on the Ancient Grass Plains

by 白居易  (Bai Juyi, 772 - 846)

离离原上草 一岁一枯荣  lí lí yuán shàng cǎo yī suì yī kū róng  Flickering grasses upon the plain, a year, a cycle of withering and verdant glory.

野火烧不尽 春风吹又生 yě huǒ shāo bù jìn chūn fēng chuī yòu shēng Ravaging wildfire does not burn it all; a spring breeze blows and again, they grow.

远芳侵古道 晴翠接荒城  yuǎn fāng qīn gǔ dào qíng cuì jiē huāng chéng  Distant fragrance encroaches ancient roads; sun dappled green takes the desolate city.

又送王孙去 萋萋满别情 yòu sòng wáng sūn qù qī qī mǎn bié qíng Again, seeing off a dear friend on their way, the lush field is full of these parting feelings.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

NOTES

To @liberty-or-death​, thanks for the rec which brought this poem back on my radar. I’m so glad we do this - I always learn so much! 

Check out her meta and thoughts on this work in the mdzs context.

This is a fun poem in that if you look at only the first four lines, you get one genre of poetry - praise for nature, but if you take it as a whole, you get another type - a farewell poem. In fact, I had no idea that it had a second half. It’s so popular that if anyone asked pre-cnovel era YJ what it means, she would have been able to answer too - but only the second and third lines…

A variation of 野火烧不尽 春风吹又生 is a common idiom which is also used a lot (truly a LOT) in various novels and cmedia, mostly in the context of ruthless or pragmatic characters going ‘斩草不除根 春风吹又生 (if you cut grass but don’t get rid of their roots, then when the spring wind blows they’ll grow again). This phrase is a convergence of this poem and a quote from 左传 zuǒ zhuán, The Commentary of Zuo, which recounts the major political, military, and social events of the Spring and Autumn period, and was written more than a millennium before Bai Juyi was born. In the section for Duke Yin, Year 6, it goes:

君子曰，善不可失，恶不可长，其陈桓公之谓乎，长恶不悛，从自及也，虽欲救之，其将能乎 The lord said, goodness must not be lost, evil must not be nurtured in its growth, this must apply to Duke Huan of Chen. Having nurtured the growth of evil without rectification and about to reap his just deserts - even desiring to salvage this situation, how can it be done? 

商书曰，恶之易也，如火之燎于原，不可乡迩，其犹可扑灭，周任有言曰，为国家者，见恶如农夫之务去草焉，芟夷蕴崇之，绝其本根，勿使能殖，则善者信矣. In the Book of Shang it says, the ease of evil’s flourishing is akin to fire spreading on the plains; it cannot be approached, can it then be extinguished? Quoting Zhou Ren, ‘a person responsible for country and family, at the sight of evil, must behave as the farmer whose priority is to rid the land of weeds, does: cutting them down, gathering them and eliminating them from their very roots so that they may not grow again. Thus allowing goodness to develop.’

And yes, I didn’t go off on a tangent on Zuo Zhuan for nothing. There is a clear resemblance  between the metaphor used here and the imagery in Bai Juyi’s poem, and that is probably how they ended up linked together in association with characters locked in conflict. 

Title

Here’s something new in the title! The words 赋得 fù dé actually indicate the category for this poem by its origin - via prompt, and can be read as roughly equivalent to ‘composed from’. The prompt itself is the following sentence, 古原草送别 gǔ yuán cǎo sòngbié (ancient plain’s grass, bidding farewell). For this type of poem, how carefully the format is maintained whilst sticking closely to the topic and fulfilling the prompt, is a critical test of the poet’s skill. 

Such prompts may come from lines of existing poetry, songs, essays or themes. The earliest example of such that we have today is 《赋得翠石应令诗》 written by 萧雉 Xiao Zhi of Liang Dynasty during the Northern and Southern Dynasties period. Though the later 应制 yìng zhì (by Emperor’s order) type of poetry are also titled with these two words to indicate their type, it is only one reason of many! The origin of such a prompt may vary from being administered for tests of ability, to exams, to friendly games or even just to say ‘I was inspired by this!’.

Background

Pre-dive notes: I suspect this is another one where I’ll end up eyeballs deep in a stack of books sans punctuation and in traditional chinese - and if I’m deeply unlucky, only handwritten. Why am I so excited??????? LMAO. Been dragging my feet on everything up till this point.

The story that comes with this poem isn’t one that can be found in some personal recount or diary entry from the poet. One half comes from 《幽闲鼓吹》, a collection of anecdotes about the upper echelons of the Tang Dynasty, emperors and generals and famous literary figures of the middle and late Tang period, covering Emperor Xuanzong, Emperor Xianzong (元和 Yuanhe) and Emperor Wuzong (会昌 Huichang) of Tang. The other half comes from 《唐摭言》which is a collection of short stories from the Tang Dynasty (618-907) compiled by Wang Dingbao (870-940), mainly about the state examination system. Emphasis on these two collections being anecdotes to be read for amusement, not verified events. But I guess we can take this with the same serving of salt as we might for a ‘know your meme’ entry!

From 《幽闲鼓吹》 白尚书应举初至京，以诗谒顾著作。顾睹姓名熟视白公曰，米价方贵，居亦弗易。乃披卷首篇曰， ‘咸阳原上草，一岁一枯荣，野火烧不尽，春风吹又生‘ 即嗟赏曰，道得个语，居即易矣，因为之延誉，声名大振。

Minister [1] Bai, newly arrived at the Capital to sit for the imperial examinations, brought poems on his visit to a man by the surname of Gu to show them to him. Gu saw his name and observed him intently, saying, “Grain is expensive, living here won’t be easy [2].” He then opened to the first page and read, ‘The grass of Xianyang Plains, a year, a cycle of withering and verdant glory; wildfire does not raze it all, spring winds blow and again they grow’ and sighed in admiration at once, “living here will be easy (for you).” And because word of this praise got out, his (Bai Juyi’s) name became very very well known.

[1] The highest post he ever held was Minister for the Ministry of Justice [2] This was a play on the words of his name, taken literally it can be read 白 bái (for free) 居 jū (live, as in to live in a house) 易 yì (easy). Oh, get thee to a punnery! xD

From 《唐摭言》 唐白居易初举未振，以歌诗谒顾况。况谑曰。居易。长安百物贵，居大不易。及读至赋得原上草送友曰。野火烧不尽，春风吹又生。叹曰。有句如此，居大不难。老夫前言戏之耳。

Tang Dynasty’s Bai Juyi had just passed the imperial exams, but had not made his name yet. He visited Gu Kuang with song and poetry. Mockingly, Kuang said, “‘To lodge easily’? [1] In Chang’an, everything is expensive. It’s not easy to live in a big place.” It was only after reading, ‘Written for bidding farewell to a friend on the plains: wildfire does not raze it all, spring winds blow and again they grow’, that he sighed, “With wordsmithing like this, living in a big place won’t be difficult at all. Consider all I said before a joke.”

[1] Another play on Bai Juyi’s name.

There are slight differences even between these two accounts. Not to mention the question of whether this gentleman Gu Kuang was even actually in the capital at this time. From my brief skim of his Wiki page, it seems he was having trouble at the tail end of his career, and lived out his retirement in seclusion. Records are clear that Bai Juyi passed the imperial exams in 802 along with friend Yuan Zhen, whilst Gu Kuang’s whereabouts were not possible to track down (at least for me) and he passed away in either 806 if baidu is to be believed, or after 820 according to wiki.

Two things that are immediately obvious as I read these passages:

The first, line one reads 咸阳原上草 xiányáng yuán shàng cǎo (the grass upon Xianyang Plain), whereas the version I got from gushiwen and also the ‘popular’ ~modern~ version goes, 离离原上草 lí lí yuán shàng cǎo (dense and lively, the grass upon the plain). 

The second, that the title is written: 赋得原上草送友 (Composed from: Seeing off a friend upon grass plains) vs 赋得古原草送别 (Composed from: Bidding farewell upon the ancient grass plains)

Consulting another source first published in Southern Song, Chapter 30 of 《苕溪渔隐丛话》, its first half completed in 1148 (this copy is owned by Harvard, and the edition was published in 1740 or 1741… if I’m reading the description correctly), backs up the 咸阳原上草 version.

Which then brings us to the question, when did these lines get changed? 

I have no clue, so I asked google xD. Most answers point to Sun Zhu’s (1722–1778) 《唐诗三百首》 Three Hundred Tang Poems. But it's hard for me to verify at this point because many of the collections which hold this poem were reprinted in the 20th century. I sampled two texts randomly in ctext, and both had the 离离/古原 version… even Bai Juyi’s own anthology 《白氏长庆集》, so named because its first print was in the Changgeng Era, second in Emperor Muzong of Tang’s reign. The version in the image below was from 《白氏长庆集》 in an anthology of classics published in 1922, and it has exactly that same 古原草送别 title and 离离 beginning.

I feel like if the original indeed began with 咸阳原上草, and was titled 赋得原上草送友, it would make sense in a later edit that changes 咸阳 (location) into 离离 (adjective) to then clarify what information is lost - that this farewell happening on ‘ancient plains’ - in another place like the title. In any case, I do believe there is a good reason for the change, no matter my personal preference… Let's get to that in the next section.

Poem

First, note that based on the prompt, the things available to be played with are:

A grass plain (as background)

Emphasis on grass

Seeing off someone

And off we go!

Diving right into exploring the more interesting words or expressions in this poem, I’d like to draw our attention to 离离 (of course), 王孙 and 萋萋.

Though not a word you see often, on sight, 离离 feels like it speaks of parting, because read alone, the word 离 is to leave, to part. But the next natural step is to look up past usages. By past, I mean pre-Bai Juyi’s lifetime and ideally from texts and poets he would have read with care.

Pre-Qin, we have two winners from 诗经 the Book of Odes, Airs of Wang, Drooping Millet. In this poem, 彼黍离离 (the millet either droop or sway). From Minor Odes, Clear Dew, 其实离离 (the fruit of trees hand down). Some person from Han - some websites attribute the poem to Cao Cao, some to Empress Zhen - says,  蒲生我池中，其叶何离离 (bullrushes grow in my pond, how dense their leaves). 

That’s about it for relevant poetry.

And then 易经 《䷝离》 The Book of Changes tells me how to interpret trigrams:

离，丽也；日月丽乎天，百谷草木丽乎土，重明以丽乎正，乃化成天下。柔丽乎中正，故亨；是以畜牝牛吉也。 ‘离’ is ‘to rely on’. The sun and moon rely on the heavens, the myriad grassess and trees rely on the earth; light upon light relies on the right path, illuminating all under heaven. The gentle in their positions, middle and fair are hence fortunate, so female cows are fortunate…?

Okay LOL that last one got a bit away from me, but basically, the trigram called 离  (or the trad version of it anyway) is associated with fire, spring and radiance. And who knows if these associations do or don’t spill over into word selection in everyday life?

So 离 is parting and 离离 can be in turns, drooping, swaying, verdant, radiant and full of life. 

We can have 王孙 and 萋萋 up together because having them both in a sentence brings 楚辞 The Songs of Chu, 招隐士 Summons for a Recluse’s line, 王孙游兮不归，春草生兮萋萋 (the noble man remains there and does not return, the grasses of spring are growing luxuriantly). From this poem, we can infer that 王孙 is referring to the recluse (On the topic of the ‘image’ of recluses in literature, I leave this link: ARTICLE REVIEWS: HOUSE OF HERMITS). Such recluses in the time that poem was written could also be the descendants of noble houses. But the word itself also has meaning - it is literally, grandson(s) of kings or princes, and was also used to collectively refer to young noblemen, eventually just young men in general. Maybe similar to how gentlemen is used? Idk.

And 招隐士 is quite an influential poem. Those three things, 王孙, 春草 and 萋萋 were used often in later works to evoke specific feelings of melancholy despite the beauty in the surroundings, because someone is far from home.

(Some unconfirmed rumours in the Old Book of Tang suggest that Bai Juyi may have been descended from the Mi imperial house of the State of Chu, and the Bai family who left Chu for Qin due to prosecution by the King of Chu. But that is neither here nor there. If true, it may have been part of the inspiration for interpreting the poem’s prompt in this way. Just an interesting titbit of information!)

Now that we have the new, uncommon words out of the way, I wanted to try recreating the experience of reading this piece because it’s such a feast for the senses. And I hope this works, because if not it’s going to look quite ridiculous indeed.

离离 /            原上草        //   一岁  /       一枯荣 bright / grass upon the plains // one year / once wither & flourish  Flickering grasses upon the plain, a year, a cycle of withering and verdant glory.

野火   /      烧不尽   //       春风     /        吹又生 wildfire / burns not end // spring breeze / blows to life again Ravaging wildfire does not burn it all; a spring breeze blows and again, they grow.

远      /      芳     /    侵   /      古道     //         晴翠        /  接  /     荒城  distant / fragrance / assails / ancient road // sunlit crisp green / joins / desolate city Distant fragrance encroaches ancient roads; sun dappled green joins the desolate city.

又     /     送   /      王孙   /  去  //           萋萋      / 满 /      别情 again / sending / noble men / away // verdant greenery / full / parting feelings Again, seeing off a dear friend on their way, the lush field is full of these parting feelings.

There are lots of contrasts that bring these words to life. 离离 is associated with verdant, luxuriant growth and blades of grasses or millet. The unquenchable life in that green against the red of the fire, the grass on the plains that even the fire cannot entirely destroy, because deeply hidden ‘neath the ground, its roots are safe. One breath of the wind and it's growing again! Triumphant in its victory, it goes on to overtake the ‘ancient road’ and the ruins of a city. The word used to describe its action at the road is literally 侵 invade, the word for its action with the city 接 can be read as join, but can also be to receive or take over.

And so I think you can see where this is building up to the last line where the grass, abundant, full of life and absolutely everywhere as far as the eye can see, is like his overflowing emotions in the moment of parting.

I really appreciate the crossing over of what is real and what is imagined, anchoring with the image of ‘grass on the plains’ and bringing us through time, through fire and across space - over the winding road and up to the abandoned city. Is the grass really there? Maybe. Did all of this really happen? Who knows. But these feelings after going through all that are certainly real!

Another thing I love is the cinematic acceleration effect for that year with the grass, and then the panning where you follow someone's gaze from the road to the city led on by the greeeeeeeeen. The pacing is so atmospheric as well! 一岁一枯荣 is slow, solemn and glorious. 野火烧不尽 is an intense battle for dominance and 春风吹又生 a breath of fresh air.

(Source)

(Source)

As I was reading the poem for the first time though, there were some things I wondered idly about, which were then answered as I looked into its background and asked around some.

Grass has a 1 year lifecycle???? Apparently some species, yes. Where I live, it’s just green year round unless someone doesn’t water them during a dry spell. In other places with actual seasons, they can stay green for a while under snow or get frozen while green, which is amazing to me, even if they do eventually yellow. If summers are scorching, they may brown (I think that’s when they die?). Anyway, it’s cool and I can’t believe I never thought about this before.

Are wildfires a Thing on grassland? If the sun is hot enough or if conditions are right for dry lightning it can happen, but I don’t know if spontaneous combustion is a thing on this particular field, but I somehow doubt that.

Which ancient field is this happening on? Xianyang Plains, which is a real place! It is now known as Wuling (五陵) Plain, where the mausoleums of 28 Han and Tang dynasty emperors stand.

Where is the old road and the ruins? Are these actual places or just there for the vibes. Xianyang (咸阳) was the capital of the Qin empire. It was sacked and burnt to the ground, supposedly by Xiang Yu, a rebel leader against the Qin in 206 BC. The founding emperor of Han Dynasty later built his capital just across the river from the ruins of Xianyang. In fact, the ruins are still there!

The photo below is of a Qin Dynasty handmade armor factory found in 2019 at the location of the old Xianyang City. Analysis of the materials found there was a match for armor in Qin Shihuang’s Mausoleum.

(Source)

So the thing about Han Dynasty and Tang Dynasty, is this… 

Qin Dynasty spanned 221 BCE to 206 BCE; its capital was Xianyang. Han Dynasty spanned 206 BCE to 220 CE; its first capital was Chang’an. Tang Dynasty spanned 618 CE to 907 CE; its first capital was Chang’an.

Xianyang was there first, it was ravaged by fire. Then the Han Chang’an was built on the opposite bank. Then Tang Chang’an was built Southeast of the ruined Han Chang’an (it’d been through a lot of wars by that time LOL). So are they the same thing? No. But if the ruins of Xianyang are still here for us today, they certainly would have been there back in Bai Juyi’s time. And they would also have been considered ancient ruins, wouldn’t they?

Here’s how the area looks like on google maps.

Back to sleuthing for reasons behind word choices. 

A thing that caught my ear was the keyword 古道! There are so many poems that use that image-impression, but also also, most of ALL: this classic song. Secondary to that though, there’s 小桥流水人家 古道西风瘦马 (a little bridge, running water and homes; on the ancient road in the west wind, a lean horse) of Yuan Dynasty - and after Bai Juyi’s time, and Li Bai’s (701 to 762) 咸阳古道音尘绝 (on the ancient road to Xianyang, ended is the music and the dust), which he’ll certainly have come across.

I got a bit distracted reading farewell poems and was shook to discover that Wang Wei’s (701 to 7062) even more famous farewell poem, iconic line: 西出阳关无故人, is actually, set at almost the same place. 

渭城朝雨浥轻尘 | Weicheng’s [1] morning drizzle moistens the dusty road. 客舍青青柳色新 | By the traveller’s inn, the willow’s green is fresh 劝君更尽一杯酒 | Friend, do drink up one more cup of wine; 西出阳关无故人 | West beyond Yang Pass, there’ll be acquaintances none. (You’ll have no one)

[1] 渭城 wèi chéng, previous, older name for the county that later became Xianyang County during the Qin Dynasty.

Knowing all this, when a poem uses Xianyang, fire, ancient path and desolate city as imagery, one can’t help the mind being drawn to that fire which burnt a palace, a city to the ground, the lives lost. And then wandering still further... who are you bidding farewell to?

So! While 离离 for the first two words brings beautiful imagery, contrasting against the ravaging fire and parallels to 萋萋, 咸阳 provides associations with location, history and builds on impressions to tie the whole poem together. 

Let me know which you prefer!

(Source)

Translation Recs

Something a little different this time, for those who are still with me. 

Because this is such a famous poem, I thought it would be fun to look up other translations! Here’s a list of recs for ones I liked best.

In no particular order:

I enjoyed the brief writeup on Bai Juyi’s background and commentary on the poem’s relevance in vacantmountain’s: TRANSLATION THURSDAY: 赋得古原草送别 BIDDING FAREWELL ON THE PLAIN, BY 白居易 BAI JUYI

Despite what OP says about their own translations seeming rigid sometimes due to their style (and intention for translations), I didn’t find it so. And in fact, I really appreciate how this translation leans closely in to the original words, while still reading smoothly:  152 白居易 賦得古原草送別 translation: Farewells on Grassland, by Bai Juyi

It’s a little further down the page - you may have to search for ‘grass’. I found the concept of utilizing space in this way an interesting one. Perhaps you may too! Daryl Lim Wei Jie brings us: Grass

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 1 – STONY FAVORITES

In Which Tony Stark Builds Himself Some Friends (But His Family Was Assigned By Nick Fury): Series by scifigrl47

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Clint/Coulson Rating: M Words: 343,010 Tags: Team as Family, Slow Burn Romance, Hilarious Banter

Reasons why I love it: If you've been in this fandom for any amount of time, you've probably read or at least heard of this series. For good reason too, because scifigrl47 created an absolute masterpiece here. It's still ongoing, so I'm only going to be commenting on the complete works, but either way this one is definitely a must-read.

This series consists of:

Some Things Shouldn't Be A Chore

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Clint/Coulson Rating: T Words: 22,187 Tags: Humor, Fluff, Sentient Toaster

Summary: Steve takes things like personal responsibility and respect seriously. Tony's got people he pays to take care of that kind of thing, and anyway, he's pretty sure that he's going to die of some exotic disease in his workshop, because Dummy's still a little spotty about what is 'clean' enough to put on an open wound. The rest of the Avengers are in this for personal gain, except for Clint, he just enjoys being a dick. And some things shouldn't be a chore.

Reasons why I love it: Aaaah Tony, my love! The characterization feels so real, the humor is top notch, and the hurt/comfort is chef's kiss! I love this fic so much, definitely give it a read!

Ordinary Workplace Hazards, Or SHIELD and OSHA Aren't On Speaking Terms

Pairing: Clint/Coulson, pre-Steve/Tony Rating: M Words: 25,992 Tags: Humor, Pre-Slash, Roomba Army of Doom

Summary: Tony Stark has once again engineered something that might well lead to the downfall of Western Civilization. No one's really surprised. This time, however, it might just be the lesser of two evils. Clint and Phil hate playing pickup, but damn, Clint loves the Roombas, and damn, Phil loves Clint, though he's not really sure why sometimes. It's time to play Hide-And-Seek with hostile robotic AIs in the SHIELD home office.

Reasons why I love it: I ship Clint/Coulson to hell and back, so I squee every time I read this one. Clint and Tony bickering while being BAMFs is always a win, and who doesn't love Coulson and Steve freaking out over their loved ones' safety? A wonderful fic laden with action and comedy, go and check it out!

Four (Or Five) Reasons for Kidnapping Tony Stark

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Clint/Coulson Rating: T Words: 78,101 Tags: BAMF Tony Stark, Kidnapping, Team as Family

Summary: There are four reasons for kidnapping Tony Stark. Tony's sick of all of them. Well, there's potentially a fifth, but it's highly unlikely that Captain America will suddenly fulfill THAT fantasy. Tony's deeply disappointed about that. Steve Rogers, as always, is oblivious. At least, that is, until someone who isn't him kidnaps Tony. Then he's just pissed.

Reasons why I love it: This is one of the first fics I read in this fandom, and it's what drew me into the whole world of Steve and Tony in the first place. I love the asymmetrical storytelling, the suspense, the drama, the angst, the humor, the resolution, all of it! The plot is so fricking creative, and the fact that all five reasons for kidnapping Tony Stark are explored in such a varied way just wows me. One of my favorite fics of all time!

Dating The Long Way Around

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Clint/Coulson Rating: M Words: 66,979 Tags: Dating, Humor, Domestic

Summary: Tony Stark was pretty sure the Universe had it out for him. Call it karma, or the natural balance, but on occasion, he had a sneaking suspicion that for every good thing that happened to him, something bad was waiting around the corner. That being the case, his first real date with Steve Rogers would probably lead to something disastrous. But in that he was, in fact, going on his first real date with Steve, he wasn't sure he cared. Steve was certain he didn't. It's a Thursday night in New York City, what can possibly go wrong?

Reasons why I love it: The team being dorks about Stony's first date? Steve being an insecure wreck? The FLIRTING?!?? Hell fucking yes to all of that!! And when the plot hits, it just takes the fic to a whole other level. I love it to bits, and I think you will too!

Things Unseen (That Are Captured on Film)

Pairing: Steve/Tony, Clint/Coulson Rating: M Words: 42,476 Tags: Fighting And Making Up, Domestic Avengers, Developing Relationship

Summary: In which the Avengers discover the video footage of Tony testing the Iron Man armor, and that goes about as well as it could be expected. Steve Rogers attempts to make peace with his lover's rather cavalier attitude to his health and safety, and starts learning more about Tony's family along the way, both the one he was born into, and the one he's chosen. And, of course, the one that's chosen him. Subtitled: It's all Clint's fault. No one is surprised.

Reasons why I love it: If you sometimes get that itch of 'oh man, I wish character x would react to that thing character z did', then this one is for you. I absolutely love the idea of everyone watching Tony's reckless tests and being appropriately horrified. Plus, the following conflict and resolution is written beautifully, so yeah, definitely give this one a read.

Hollow Your Bones Like a Bird's

Pairing: Clint/Coulson, pre-Steve/Tony Rating: M Words: 95,514 Tags: Fix-It, Teambuilding, Coulson Lives

Summary: In the wake of the Chitauri invasion, Clint Barton wakes up in a world that he very nearly had a hand in destroying. And confronting a loss he might not be able to cope with. The Avengers always needed something to avenge, but once the crisis is past, what keeps them together?

Reasons why I love it: Ladies and gents and my non-binary friends, we've got angst! Clint's struggles are so visceral that I get completely sucked into the fic, no matter how many times I read it. It's heart-breaking and lovely in equal measure, and the resolution is worth all the pain. Clint is one of my favorite characters, so the way his trauma is explored in this fic is just incredible to me. Definitely, DEFINITELY check this one out!

[voiceoffenrisulfr]

Multitudes Chapter Seventeen

... Or Are We Many?

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 -> Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov/Steve Rogers

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘 -> Therapy, round two. And a first mission that goes awry.

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓 -> 1636

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 -> (E) Therapy (but not terrible this time) - guilt, doubt, self-blame, injury, GSW, revenge killing.

𝐀/𝐍 -> Dead Dove: Do Not Eat. Please read the warnings, and proceed with caution. You know the drill. A surprisingly feel-good chapter in the end, though. Corresponds to Magic and Madness - Chapter Six. Masterlist can be found here.

Check it out below, or on AO3 here! The snazzy Black Widow divider comes from @/firefly-graphics and I love it <3 The Multitudes Universe one is our own!

<- Previous Chapter (16/72) Next Chapter -> (18/72)

Another day, another therapist.

This one is adorable, though. I really hope we don’t have to shout at her.

She was only mid-thirties at the latest, dressed in a cute, vibrant summer dress, shoulder length auburn hair in a messy bun and sunglasses on her head.

“Y’all must be Nat and Widow! It’s so good to meet you!” she gushed, her firm, confident hand finding mine.

Eyebrow quirked in response, we took our seat – this time in the lounge of my own rooms, at her insistence. Apparently, she’d told Bruce that the formality of the interview room wasn’t necessary. “You don’t have to do that, you know. Address both of us. You can just pick one.”

She sat back, a glass of water in her hands. “Would that make y’all more comfortable,  or are you saying it because you think addressing you both equally is an inconvenience to me?”

I blinked, startled and impressed.

Well, she’s definitely better than the last one.

“I... I don’t know,” I admitted, laughing dryly.

“Okay – how about this. I can use the name of whoever is currently fronting – ‘in control’, I think you called it?”

Another blink, and I nodded slowly. “Y... Yeah, okay. Well, I guess that’s me. Natasha. Nat,” I amended quickly, wincing.

She smiled, warm and genuine. “It’s a true pleasure to meet you, Nat. I’m so sorry for what you went through with your last therapist, but I can assure you, I am fully accepting and supportive of you and your plurality, and if you’d like any help with communication or the amnesia, just let me know.”

“My... What?” I repeated, dumbstruck by her positivity.

“Your plurality. The fact that there’s two of you. I don’t like the term ‘disorder’ as a catch-all; I know unhealthy plurality can be incredibly difficult, but it completely eradicates healthy plurality – either those that have never been disordered to start with, or who no longer fulfil the diagnostic criteria. If y’all never experience fusion, then you’ll always be plural, even if you’re not ‘disordered’.” She shrugged casually, as if this concept wasn’t one that had just blown away my entire world. “But, again, that’s just me – if you’d rather I refer to your experience as dissociative identity disorder, or DID, that’s completely fine too.”

“No…” I murmured, feeling Widow just as awestruck and spiritually satiated as myself. “No, I think we prefer ‘plural’.”

I was curled up on my sofa when Clint found me, sobbing uncontrollably. I’d been permitted a few sparse minutes to myself between the changing of the guard, and despite the tugging urge to use it more productively, I’d only cried.

He bundled me into his arms, panicked. “Oh God, not another one. Bruce even met with her beforehand – fuck, how does this keep happening?”

I buried my face in his shirt, whimpering softly. “N-No, she… She…”

“Love?”

“She was amazing,” I wailed, tears streaming down my face.

“I love her!”

Clint simply blinked in shock, then laughed softly, wiping my cheeks dry. “I’m… Glad?”

“It doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” I sniffed, arms wrapped around myself. “I don’t have to choose between being disordered and being alone. We can have a healthy relationship. We can just be plural.”

He nodded slowly, running his fingers tenderly through my hair. “Is that what you both want?”

Yes. Yes. “Yes.”

Grinning broadly, his lips brushed my forehead. “Then I’ll support you. Y’all,” he amended, and I cocked my head. “While you were in your session, Bruce sat me down and explained something that she’d said to him – that while ‘you’ can be either singular or plural, it can be hard to differentiate, and a lot of multiple folk appreciate y’all, so it’s more specific.”

The word sounded clumsy in his far-from-Southern accent, but I sobbed again, face crumpling. “That’s so sweet.”

He laughed, rubbing my cheek lightly. “Does that seem better to y’all?”

I cried harder, nodding desperately as Widow wiped their eyes on the inside. “We love it.”

His fingers gently brushed my cheekbone, and he smiled. “I’m all for this display of emotion, Little Spider, but if you keep up like this, you’re going to be both incredibly dehydrated and incredibly drowned.”

And so it went, on and on. Every day was the same, made only bearable by the evenings spent being rewarded for our adherence. First level two, and then level three – and with it, my first mission.

“I can’t believe we’re back here,” I murmured, perched on a rooftop with my lover. Clint shot me a grin, full of shining eyes and pride as he handed me my fries.

“Sometimes it was hard to believe this day would ever come, right?” In the ten weeks since we had renegotiated my treatment plan, I’d been caught purging four times, and exercising twice. I’d eaten everything I’d been given, though, and was yet to put a blade to my skin.

“Definitely.” I dropped a mouthful of fries into my mouth, grinning around the salted carbs. “But here we are. Staking out a bad guy, sat on a rooftop, and eating fast-food.”

“Except now you actually eat it,” he added, smirking wryly. Our relationship had flourished along with my health – gone was the hesitation and the second-thoughts, replaced instead with our easy banter and light-hearted bullying.

And the sex.

Dear Lord, the sex.

I���d slowly become more confident, willing to try new things and excited about the possibilities we had before us. He never rushed us, taking the time to check in with both my own self-esteem issues and Widow’s traumatic anxiety.

The therapist – aptly named ‘Luna’ – had made our diagnosis official, and every Avenger now knew about the other person I shared my body with. Other than a few crude remarks from Tony – most of which had been directed at Clint and about threesomes – everybody else had adapted to the changes easily, swapping ‘y’all’ for ‘you’ when referring to us as a collective.

We were getting better at communicating, and sharing the body when desired, and I’d even relinquished control for a few quiet periods alone in our rooms, once we’d earned back the privilege.

Widow was slowly discovering the things they liked – exercise was still a huge part of their identity, but they’d also found endless comfort in fiction, content to curl up with a book while I took a break. They’d not interacted directly with Clint – or anybody else – since that fateful day, but I knew they were always there. Clint had suggested a date night, and they were terrified and excited about the concept – not ready yet to accept, but almost. I was a little jealous, admittedly – but I knew I had nothing to worry about. Widow was as inherent to the person Clint knew as I was, and it was only natural that he would love them, too.

“It’s been too long,” Clint sighed, resting his head in my lap and pressing a gentle kiss to my leather-clad thigh. “I’ve missed this. And I’ve definitely missed this suit,” he added with a purr, fingers tracing my side.

I giggled, slapping his hand away. “Focus on the mission, Barton. Save the monkey-business for after.” His lips found my throat, hooting softly like a chimp, and I squealed in his arms. “Clint, come on. We’re supposed to be-”

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered, standing with his hands on my thighs, sitting me on the building’s raised edge and sucking lightly on my pulse. I surrendered with a groan, fingers wrapped in his hair, every thought of our target immediately gone from my mind as my thighs wrapped around his hips.

He paused after a moment, drawing back slightly to rest his forehead on mine. “You're right. We… Have a mission. Sorry.”

He started to step away, one hand reaching for his bow, but paused when I pouted, playing with the zipper at my chest. “But Clint…” I whined, fingers inching down one tooth at a time. “We’re never away from the compound anymore. Why don’t we make the most of it?”

He swallowed, glancing over my shoulder at the city below. “We shouldn’t…”

I sighed, tipping my head back, my zipper moving ever lower. “I could really use some help getting out of this suit.”

My partner bobbed briefly on the balls of his feet, sparing one last look to where we’d last seen our mark, before he was back between my thighs, hands replacing mine frantically. “I can’t believe you’ve convinced me to do this."

I giggled as his hands slid inside my suit, grasping my waist. "You love it."

"Oh, you have no-”

Clint jerked in my arms, forceful and sudden, and I squealed as I almost toppled backward off the building. “Clint, are you trying to kill me?!”

No response.

“Clint?”

I smoothed my hand over his back to get his attention, drawing away when I found something hot and sticky on the back of his jacket. My trembling fingers cut into my eyeline, red and glistening.

No.

No.

My eyes shot up, finding the balding, middle-aged mark stood in the access doorway with sneer on his face and a gun in his hand.

Even with the silencer attached, I should have noticed.

Even with my distractions, I should have noticed.

I should have noticed.

I should have noticed.

I screamed, pure fury and heartbreak, wrenching my gun from my holster and putting a bullet between his eyebrows without flinching before he could react.

I carefully lowered my gasping partner to the ground, hands pressed hard to the wound in his abdomen before one darted to my ear, smearing blood on my cheek as I desperately pressed at my earpiece.

“Cap, Tony, Wanda- Fuck, anyone who’s listening! We need emergency evac! Get us out of here – now! Clint… Clint’s been shot.”

[downbadfordraper]

Okay I'm about 60% into book 3 now, Holden has been taken from the Ring Station by Martian marines and went through initial interrogation, so now I have more blather about Novel-Holden v Show-Holden.

In the novel, we see Holden start to believe he really is special, pushed to that conclusion by the (ultimately erroneous) belief that the woman who did the things Clarissa actually did was Julie Mao - that Proto-Julie set off a cascade of events designed to get Holden specifically through the Ring, just like Proto-Miller seemed to he aiming for. He sees that Ring Station, and he head for it without prompting to look for answers, because he believes the protomolecule wanted him here for a reason, and going there would mean both fulfilling his purpose and finding out what that purpose is.

Then Miller reveals he was 'chosen' simply because the real Miller felt a certain way about him - trusted him, it seems to boil down to - and the protomolecule then reached out to Holden bc it absorbed Miller's consciousness, and Miller saw Holden as the guy to get things done, and...that's it. But Holden continues to think more must he at play because why then did Proto-Julie go to such great lengths as part of this conspiracy to bring Holden here? She didn't know him after all.

When Holden explains everything, starting from first seeing Miller a year before, it all hits him - he isn't special at all. He doesn't actually care about that; what he cares about is the fact he bought into it at all. He feels incredibly foolish. Humiliated by his own hubris. I imagine that will get even stronger when he realizes the actual woman behind it all was Julies very much alive and protomolecule-free sister. Holden doesn't necessarily desire being special, but that he jumped to that conclusion at all is humiliating to him.

Then we have Show-Holden. We see Show-Monica suggesting more than once that he's special, but Holden continues to refute it. Even when she says 'I think you are, I think you know you are, I think you like it' he calls her out - says he thinks she's just trying to get a rise out of him. This Holden, much like the written one, would feel foolish if he believed he was special and wasn't. It's possible that part of why he insists he isn't is the belief it would be foolish to think it regardless of evidence presented: the hubris he doesn't want to fall prey to, and which Novel-Holden does.

He also never has the factor of a belief that Proto-Julie is involved. How would that affect Show-Holden though if he did? Would he ask again what makes him special in the way he once asks Proto-Miller the same?

A part of me thinks he wouldn't, because of where the urge to even ask that seems to come from. Show-Holden has had been made very aware of the potentially far reaching consequences of his actions. His sense of responsibility prevents him from doing otherwise, even when he disagrees about the specifics of what he is or isn't at fault for (e.g. he sees his role in the earth-mars conflict earlier in the show as different than other accuse him of, because he sees something that the viewers, on the outside looking in, do: that this was a conflict that had been building over decades, maybe centuries, to the point that what would set it off would be less an instigating element and more an excuse. We see how the political machinations of those like Avasarala reveal this: she's aware that it's an excuse those two militaries and governments are looking for, and her efforts to prevent war are all focused on removing any potential excuses, which she recognizes as a stop-gap solution more than anything else).

Holden's awareness of that is made explicit in the scene on the Station. He refuses to complete that circuit until Proto-Miller tells him what the consequences will be: specifically, what harm it could or will do to others. Seeing a more 'human' Miller who talks about Julie and how it was to die is what enables him to go forward with it: he's shown a version of a man he trusts to *care* about those consequences. He's been reassured that this isn't a malevolent entity; perhaps even one of compassion, even if that compassion originates from the memory of Miller's mind rather than the protomolecule itself. A sense of urgeny does the rest.

So what about that urge to ask? I think it comes less from a place of wanting to know for its own sake, and for his concept of himself, and more from wanting to know so far as what that could mean for humanity in general. He asks 'why me' because if he knows why, he can use that information when he weighs his choices; a calculation. It's not about him - it's about the protomolecule's motivations, by whatever definition of 'motivation' might apply. The content of those motivations then in turn inform him of whether doing what it says will have dire consequences or if those dire consequences are what will come to pass if he refuses. And, 'knowingly' or not, it becomes a matter not so much of the real Miller's trust in Holden, but about Holden's trust in Miller.

That trust comes into play in Season 4, when he helps Proto-Miller out by fixing the planet's machinery, to put it one way. Proto-Miller already told him how to stop the Ring Station from destroying all those inside, and the rest of humanity along with it. It's not like when he trusted the info that got them in the Ring safely - that was about hinging their lives on Proto-Miller's need for a 'ride'. Negotiates for their safety with it. But how to save humanity from destruction? The protomolecule would have no interest in that: as he says, it's like paving over an anthill. Humans mean nothing to that force. Malevolence or benevolence are a non-factor. But Proto-Miller acted with benevolence by giving him the information he needed to understand how they could all survive, how to show they weren't a threat. Holden doesn't have to trust the protomolecule's non-motivations...he only has to trust the rememnants of Miller he came to see while inside the station as the apparition spoke about his moments with Proto-Julie on Eros; his feelings about death, which meant he *had* feelings. Compassion, fear, regret.

It puts the question of 'why me' in the backseat. Holden doesn't need to know anymore. He had the real question behind 'why me' answered: got the information he was really concerned with (or at least he believed he did). This is demonstrated when the question expands from 'why me' to 'why us': Holden wonders and asks multiple times if humanity as a whole has been chosen for some unknown purpose, if there's something about them that made the protomolecule open up the universe to them or if their humanity is simply incidental, along with their existence. If they're just tools, then what kind of tool? Does the protomolecule, and possibly the builders who made it, need something from them, and if so, what is it?

The thrust of the question hasn't changed. Holden wants to know if humanity's actions - their choices, their behavior, even their mere presence - will have dire consequences, or if *not* continuing to use the Rings will. This is a Holden who will ask 'why me' only up until the time to act comes: why or how he ended up in the position to do something stops mattering - all that matters is the fact of him being in that position and then actually doing it. The reasons aren't important unless they affect the outcome.

I'm not trying to suggest that Show-Holden is some perfectly altuistic person, selfless to the point caring nothing for what happens to him and only what happenes to others, but he does prioritize it. He alters his behavior not only to prevent death and institutionalized harm but to be kinder to people he loves. When he's made to realize in Season 6 that his apparent disregard for his own safety hurts the people who love him, he promises to do better, then does. He priotizes the people he loves not because they have some greater purpose but because they're important to *him*. He cares about his home and his family and sees preserving those things as important for their own sake, and for himself. His needs, including emotional, do come into play. As they should.

He still fucks up, still gets things wrong, still has all the flaws he has, but that's good, because it makes his character feel like a real person and not just a symbol - some idealized version of a hero that either turns the character two dimensional or elevates them beyond realistic expectations. The show and novels both examine what it means to be human; the things we value, the ways we behave, how our emotions manifest in actions - our flaws, our limits, our strengths, our potential. Having your main hero escape all that somehow would run counter to the story's messaging, whatever its format or version.

As for Novel-Holden's motives behind that question, I'd say that's yet to he revealed, but I'll probably write another long rambling post about it when it is

[eleanordaisyjr]

After I found those photos, I can't stop thinking of young Morpheus and young Corinthian, so I wrote a fic of them with holiday vibes.

Title: Silent Night

(about 1270 words)

*It's first time to translate my fic, so sorry for my poor English.

<Update> I posted this to AO3 too. (https://archiveofourown.org/works/44290988)

　The young king of Dreams apparently does not like the throne.

　The Corinthian, who had been summoned, stepped into the deserted room and looked not at the throne towering high in front, but in the room dimly lit by the light from the high windows.

　There he is - it didn't take long to find him. At the bottom of the stone staircase extending down from the throne, a small black figure sits like a child forgotten by the parents to pick up. He faces down in a thick book in his arms.

　When the Corinthian stands before him, Morpheus looks up from the book after a moment. He looks a little surprised. You summoned me, thought the Corinthian with feeling a little offended and asks.

"What can I do for you?"

　Morpheus turns his face back down to the book again.

"You've gone off to the waking world without my permission, again." He says with tuning the page slowly.

　Here comes again. The Corinthian put his hands in the pockets in disgust. "Nothing wrong with that, isn't it”

　Morpheus looks up slowly. His light-coloured eyes looks up into the Corinthian's face.

"No, it's not fine. Your role is here in the Dreaming. Not in the Waking World."

“And for that role,” says the Corinthian “I want to know more about humans."

　Morpheus' eyes grow more stern as he lets out a small sigh, and get slightly narrowed.

"If you want to know about humans, why don't you read books?" Morpheus says and closes the book with a thud. A loud slam echoes hollowly through the hall. The theatrical way makes the Corinthian even more irritated.

"Books?" He shrugs his shoulders. "You can't understand those complicated humans just from what's written in books. You've got your nose in a book all day like that, and you still don't understand people at all."

　Before he finishes the line all at once, Morpheus' pure white cheeks had turned slightly red. But that doesn’t frighten the Corinthian; in fact, it even caused a certain elation in his heart. If the king is to rise up and grab him, he would wish for it. But Morpheus remained perched on the cold stone steps, being looked down by this cheeky nightmare. And then, a cold smile appeared on his thin lips.

"Do you think I'd understand humans if I mingled with them like you do? You were just having fun again anyway, weren't you?"

"Well, yes" the Corinthian gave a small shrug. "I wanted to visit the university before the Christmas holiday starts. It's nice there. It's full of people in our age, full of dreams and nightmares” he licks his lips remembering that sweet air.

　Morpheus rolled his small eyes and looked away from the Corinthians. Not wanting to miss his gaze, the Corinthian sat down on the staircase. The first step from the floor, one step below the one covered with Morpheus' robe.

"You made me as a nightmare" says the Corinthian. "And to live up to it, the best place to learn about humans is there.”

　Morpheus' slender chin rests on the hand that holds his legs.

“You should go there too,” the words comes out of the Corinthian’s mouth. The King of Dreams, who was staring into the void, straightened up and opened his tight-lipped mouth.

"No. I have a responsibility. I have a responsibility to rule the collective unconsciousness of the humans here. I must fulfill that responsibility to live up to the name of the Endless."

　Every time the word ‘responsibility’ coming out of his mouth as if he persuades himself, it looks like strangling his thin neck and body. The Corinthian leans forward to look into his eyes.

"A little absence won't break this realm, because you built it, Morpheus… my lord."

　Though he's giving the sweet words that it's okay to relax a little, another part of Corinthian laughs darkly. I want to go and enjoy the waking world with you - this feeling is actually mixed with the desire to drag this noble king down to the same place as himself. Morpheus does never step out of the absolute right place, and that annoys the Corinthian. It's a feeling he learnt from young humans. But -

"No. I am not like you." This stubborn king will not seduced by him, and this argument always ends up there.

　The Corinthian looks up. Then he suddenly remembers and puts one hand in his jacket pocket.

“Oh, by the way -”

　He gets his hand out from his pocket to Morpheus, who stares at it.

"I found it in the Christmas market."

　He passed a glass sphere on a small pedestal to his thin white fingers.

"What was the name ...... oh yeah, a snow globe."

　As Morpheus twirled it around with his fingers, the little white grains inside moved softly. The Corinthian held out his hand once more and Morpheus hands it to him. He grabbed the pedestal and turned it over, then slowly turned back. The grains inside fluttered and danced in all directions. Morpheus watches without blinking. The Corinthian turns it over again and winds the little screw at the bottom. When he takes his hand away, the music box plays a melody.

"Here you go," The Corinthian says, handing it to Morpheus again. "I give it to you."

　In the dome, a small figure of black cat sits in the dancing snowflakes. I don't know why I wanted this in that little stall with all those similar goods, but when it's in Morpheus' hand, I feel as if it has been meant to be there.

"The humans make pretty things, huh?" said the Corinthian.

    Morpheus was staring at the small object his hand, but he looked at the Corinthian. His mouth is smiling. Not a cold smile this time, but an amused smirk.

"Oh, I can do that too."

　Morpheus then quickly raises his free hand. His palm opens up and his thin but strong fingers gets stiffened for a brief moment and turn the hand softly. As if guided by that move, the white stuff slowly descended from the darkness of the high ceiling. Like the real snowflakes, it came down quietly and gradually and they disappear just before they hit the floor.

　Morpheus looked back to the object in his hand again. The quiet sound flows from his hand. The Corinthian remembers the lyrics of the melody as he listens to the sound, which is too small and modest to be echoed in this great hall.

　Silent night, holy night

　　 All is calm, all is bright.

　Time flows slowly and calmly between them. The falling snow makes this moment seem eternal. The Corinthian’s irritated feelings from earlier disappears like snowflakes.

　Morpheus is still staring at the glass ball, as if he has been taken in that. His eyes are wide open. The snow born from his hands is reflected on his eyes. This is more beautiful, isn’t it? The Corinthian was totally mesmerised but then he notices the eyes are looking at him.

"Why are you looking?" Morpheus asked.

"Nothing." The Corinthian quickly avert his eyes and sees the above end of the swirling staircase. A black, cold throne stands there.

　Will he one day go there? To the place beyond the reach of me who is just a creation of him, thought the Corinthian.

　He turns his eyes back to Morpheus’s face, which is still sometimes looks fragile and young.

"It's nothing, really," The Corinthian says again. The young Dream lord looks back at the young nightmare and just tilts his head curiously.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #67

A dear friend of mine stayed the night last night, partially in an effort to find reprieve from the stressors in their life. They came and existed in our space in the way that felt most natural to them, without feeling pressured to be a particular way or do any particular thing, and it was beautiful.

The next morning, which was today, we played a little DDR (I didn't think to take a video for you; I'm sorry) and generally just… existed in a very chill sort of way. It's as though they are less a "guest" and more as though my house is also their house. I couldn't be more grateful for the fact that this is the dynamic that we have with this friend.

Later in the day, another friend and her son came over to visit. This is the same friend to whom I gave the bowl I repaired. She brought lots of tasty snacks for us to enjoy, and we had a lot of very lively conversation.

You know, admittedly, it's hard for me when people bring food to my space to share; I'm used to being the one who provides, not being the one that others provide for, haha. But that's all right; it is good to sit with this kind of discomfort until I become accustomed to the notion that I'm allowed to receive the same kind of care that I try to give to others. This time, I tried not to apologize and I tried to accept the gesture without trying to "make it even" somehow. And this time, I was successful. Though I must admit, I did have to stifle a small, guilt-induced panic when she began doing the dishes in my sink!!! Hahahaha!

But you know? I sat with it and I dealt with it. Because all of the old conditioning that tells me that "I am a bad person for accepting this kind of care and help" is false. I am not supposed to give and give and give until I am empty. I am supposed to receive, too. I think on all of the people who taught me that receiving love and kindness from others without feeling guilty is selfish of me.

When I think about it, I'm vaguely aware that they resented their responsibility to give to me (in the case of parents, things like time, attention, and basic needs) not because there was anything inherently wrong or bad about me or my wishes and needs, but because they themselves were running on empty all the time, thanks to their life circumstances, the choices that led them to those circumstances, all the generational trauma that they were carrying around and all the unreasonable expectations of themselves that they were trying to fulfill from the conditioning that was ground into them as children, which is the cause of it all.

…I wish I knew then all the things that I know now. So many things were put on my shoulders that weren't mine to carry, and I simply bore it without a second thought, because I had no other basis of comparison to tell me that none of it was normal. And so when they told me that I am bad and that carrying it all is my responsibility (presumably in order to make up for the notion that I am bad), I believed them. I know now that this sort of thing isn't true, but even still, it's sometimes hard for me to disbelieve it.

…But that's what practice is for, right? We can challenge the beliefs that tell us we're no good, and we can put better ones in their place! Here's how I've been taught to do it:

First, you have to identify the emotion that is troubling you. You can use an emotion wheel if you struggle with alexithymia; they're super duper handy like that.

Next, you have to examine the beliefs you carry that are driving the emotions. That's because our emotions don't come from nowhere; often, they show up as a result of our beliefs backing us up into a scary corner. So stop, take a moment, and try to figure out what they are. Often, such beliefs are unreasonable. Things that begin with "something must", "something should", "something never", or "something always" is a good place to look for unreasonable beliefs. In my case today, the guilt I felt was driven by a belief that goes, "I shouldn't be accepting all this effort from my friend; I don't deserve it."

Next, you have to stop and ask yourself how the unreasonable belief kept you safe in the past. And this can be anything. In my case, often in the past, if I accepted effort or kindness from my caregivers, often enough they'd lord it over me later, using it as a tool to guilt me into doing something I don't wanna do, or use the fact that I accepted their favor as proof that I'm selfish if they get angry at me about something later. Otherwise, they'd give something to me only begrudgingly, only to resent me for it later, and resentment led to a lot of verbal punishments in those days. So the best way to keep myself safe at the time was to refuse most anything that was done on my behalf on the basis that "I didn't deserve it." Agreeing with my caregivers that I did not deserve their time or care was important in those days, because to disagree with them about anything was to invite verbal, relational, or physical violence upon myself. As you can see, this part that examines how the belief used to serve you can get complicated and messy pretty quickly, so it might be a good idea to do it with a friend in order to keep yourself stable.

The next thing to do is to examine whether or not the belief is still keeping you safe. If it is, then by all means do continue to run with it, but try to see if you can modify it just a little in order to make it a bit more merciful towards yourself. But if not, you can then decide to change the belief to something that is better reflective of your current circumstances. I am no longer around people who are going to weaponize the kindness that they give to me at a later point (and even if I was around such people, I have boundary skills now, so their efforts would be moot in any case), and so all this belief does is stand between me and allowing myself to receive care from others. It also, very inconveniently, denies the people who care about me an opportunity to feel good about doing something kind for a person who is good to them. And that's no good.

The final step is to change the belief. But you can't go crazy with this; a brain won't be able to accept something that is wildly different from what it's used to. So I can't shift the new belief to something crazy and extravagant like, "I deserve all the kindness all the time from all the people." Instead, you have to try something more moderate, like, "I am just as deserving of kindness as any other human being, and I can accept the effort made by others if it's made in good intentions." And sometimes it can take a long time to fully shift to the new belief; that's okay. It just takes practice, and it just takes choosing it even when it feels scary to do. So, from shifting to the new belief, instead of feeling guilt, instead I felt a little nervousness. But a little nervousness is manageable! Easy peasy! Barely even an inconvenience! 😜

This process is called REBT, and it has helped me to break down a lot of my conditioning so that I can choose better patterns of beliefs and behavior. It's amazing stuff.

So, having done this, I was able to make myself a plate or two out of all the wholesome foods my friend brought. And it looked like this:

I also made us some tea. I loved the way the cream looked in the mason jar this time as I poured it into the tea! Check it out:

You know what, Sephiroth? You can do any of this, too. You can accept kindness from others. You can work on changing your beliefs, even if you were violently conditioned into believing some really awful stuff. You can have good tea and good snacks and lively conversation with other people. Because you can believe that you're good enough as you are. You can believe that you belong. And given that you're way smarter and way more mentally flexible than I could ever hope to be (unless, of course, the developers are lying about you being the strongest ever?), you have the capacity to do this even better than I can.

If a silly derpasaurus like me can recover, then anyone can. And that includes you. So please try. Please. You'd have so many people willing to hold your hand and walk you through the process, no matter how difficult it gets. I'm one of them.

You are loved because I love you in the same way that anyone loves their friends. Please be aware that lots of other people love you, too. So make good choices. Don't disappear. Don't put yourself in a position where there's no choice but to stop you from hurting others. Because make no mistake, if you continue to make bad choices that hurt others, you WILL be stopped. So please… choose healing and recovery instead. Because otherwise…

This is who they are. This is who they'll be. And if you think you can stop them, then you need to think again. Because they are amazing. If they fall, they'll get back up again. And they won't let you hurt your planet, and they won't let you hurt your friends.

…And, as much as I love you, if I was capable of standing at their side to stop you from doing stupid things just because you'd rather break everything than be brave enough sit down with your pain, I would. I'd do everything in my power to find some way to restrain you instead of destroy you, but still, I would be trying to stop you. Because breaking everything isn't going to give you the peace and safety you think it will. Believe me, I've tried, albeit in much smaller ways; it only makes things worse.

Nothing is ever broken beyond repair, and that includes you. There are people in this world who love you enough to call you out on your nonsense, come what may. I'm one of them. You're not alone. So come on; it's time for you to do something else, because this destructive path ain't gonna do it for ya.

I'll write again soon. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[lotusmi]

https://at.tumblr.com/lotusmi/twmental-problems-abusive-family-bullying/ckz4efpf80d9

can you post the screenshot of the advice you gave her please? thank u in advance 💗

"So, i lived hell in earth just like you while having abusive parents. My life was literally hell like, i would be humiliated everyday and i also wanted to suicide. But even not knowing the law at that time, i had tried doing a list of my desires and tried to fully live in my imagination. I would ignore 3d and imagine myself free and happy, i had tried my best to have faith, and when i did it, in 1 month i fixed my relationship with my parents in 100%. Now, the first thing you have to do is to stop arguing with your parents in your mind, stop it. Neville says "Don’t hold onto anything on the outside; hold on only in your imagination. If something is taken from you, it is because at one time you assumed its loss and for a moment wondered what you would do if it were. You forgot the thought, but its message had already been released to fulfill itself." And this is truth, since in my old self, i would imagine what if my parents discover my secrets and things like that. And it happened, because "The world is a mirror forever reflectin what you are doing within yourself". "All changes must first come from within himself; and if he does not change on the outside it is because he has not changed within. But man does not like to feel that he is solely responsible for the conditions of his life". Don't give your power to this version of your parents by assuming the fact that they are mean, because since everyone is you pushed out, they can only reflect it. They obey you. You are the power, you! I know it can be difficult at the start, but you can do it. First remember who you are, god. god experimenting human life. Second remember all is your creation and you can change it because you have the power, believe it, test it. " Now, before you judge it, try it. If you do, you cannot fail, and when you prove imagination in the testing" "You cannot fail, for an assumption, though false, if persisted in will harden into fact."

I daily texted her other things but this was the longer one ig...