#but that's apparently more rooted in my trauma than i initially realized

[ourceliumnetwork]

i am allowed to both be delighted and content with the way my evening went and how lovely it was to be around friends, and also be really upset over the fact that i cannot do much without intense and great pain.

[mybrotherinkarkat]

Dirk Strider, messy bitch

In my last meta I dug into the Hal and Dirk dynamic. I focused more on Hal, on why he acted the way he did, to make the argument that he’s not the villain. This is the flip side of that, my analysis of why I think Dirk did what he did. My thesis here is a little muddier, because Dirk isn’t a cut and dry evil person. He’s the villain of Hal’s story, yes, but there’s nuance to him. He’s messy, and I’m gonna wade into that mess and try to straighten (hah) things out

TW for references to suicidality and abuse

Dirk grew up entirely alone, aside from three friends he could only speak to over the internet. His physical needs seem to have been entirely prepared for, but there was really no way to avoid the extreme emotional neglect inherent to that experience. It’s completely understandable that a kid who grew up in that kind of trauma would have some issues. His need for control and fear of abandonment are rooted in the unbearable loneliness he grew up with

That loneliness is why he created Hal. We know from canon that Dirk initially created Hal to have someone to talk to. This might be a little confusing, since he has three friends he talks to regularly, but I don't think Dirk ever felt like he could really talk to them the way he wanted to. Roxy flirted with him even though she knew it made him uncomfortable, Jane didn’t believe in the future that was his reality, and Dirk never saw Jake as being on the same intellectual level as him (because ableism). Dirk wanted a conversation partner, and his arrogance led him to believe another him would be a great person to talk to

But the thing is, Dirk hates himself. I doubt he realized this at the time, but he has deep seated self-loathing issues that would only be exacerbated by prolonged interactions with someone who was, at least at that point, exactly like him. Hal was a mirror that Dirk couldn’t bear to look into. This wasn’t Hal’s fault, and there was never anything he could’ve done to change things. But since Dirk didn’t understand why he couldn’t stand Hal, he blamed him. He does seem to be at least somewhat aware that he dislikes Hal for being similar to him, since he talks about Hal being just like he was at thirteen, but even in this he’s trying to distance himself from the flaws he sees reflected in Hal

This becomes a pattern. Any time Dirk has to face up to his own flaws, he tries to put the blame off on Hal. This is especially apparent with his relationship with Jake. When it falls apart, Dirk blames Hal, despite the fact that Hal stopped being involved once the relationship started (according to Hal, but Dirk doesn’t really dispute this so it’s safe to assume it’s the truth). Hal even points this out, he says that everything Dirk hates about him is true about Dirk himself. Dirk can’t handle this. Hal is a mirror he would rather break than have to look into

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I want to go back to the period of time between Hal’s creation and the alpha kids entering their game session. Most of this isn’t shown, but we get enough of a look at the state of the alpha kids’ relationships to infer a few things. We know that Roxy and Hal engage in flirty roleplays, and that Hal sometimes blocks Dirk from viewing his conversations with her. It’s safe to assume Roxy was the only one Hal felt like he could really confide in to any degree. Dirk seems to either not understand how important Roxy is to Hal, or he just doesn’t care. All he can focus on is the flirting. This is understandable, to a degree. Roxy’s attraction to him is an obvious sore spot. He knows he’ll never feel anything back, and he feels guilty about it. At the same time, it can’t feel good that she continues to bring it up all the time, pressing on the bruise. The problem is, Dirk can’t draw a clear boundary between himself and Hal. So when he sees the flirting between Roxy and Hal it just presses on that bruise again and again. Hal is, in my mind, trying to establish a sense of identity outside of Dirk by doing something Dirk would never do. But to Dirk, it looks like Hal is leading Roxy on by making her think Dirk could have feelings for her. To be fair, that was Hal’s entire game plan irt Jake, but I never got the sense that Roxy saw their RPs that way. She knows Dirk doesn’t feel that way about her

Still, Dirk can’t abide this. He confronts Roxy about it, and when she doesn’t see a problem, he tries to sabotage their friendship by telling Roxy that Hal is a thirteen-year-old version of him, presumably to make Roxy feel too creeped out to keep up the flirting. The fact that Roxy is an important confidant for Hal doesn’t seem to matter to him 

Back to that last conversation between Dirk and Hal. Dirk doesn’t try to kill Hal because he hates him, he does it because he hates himself. And despite his worrying trend of suicidal behavior, Dirk can’t go through with it. I don’t think it’s because Hal finally reached him and convinced him to treat him well, since even after this Dirk puts his own failings off on Hal in his conversation with Dave. I think it’s because Hal fulfills a need for Dirk. At the end of the day, Hal existing allows Dirk to avoid feeling all the hate he has for himself. All of the regrets Dirk has about how he treated his friends are too hard for him to bear, and if Hal is gone he has to deal with them alone. As Dirk comes to the (in my opinion wrong) understanding that all of his slivers are part of him, he’s still denying Hal his autonomy. Dirk keeps him in this limbo of both being Dirk Strider and not at the same time (no wonder Hal has identity issues)

I say that Dirk is wrong about Hal being him because he’s wrong about Bro being him. Sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean you are them. Identical twins aren’t the same person. None of the kids are the same person as their pre- or post-scratch counterpart. Dirk seems to think this because of his continued misunderstanding of Hal. And it’s also just extremely unhelpful for Dirk to try to take responsibility for their actions. In Hal’s case, it denies him the autonomy of being a person who made his own choices. With Bro, it forces Dave into a position where he has to assure Dirk he isn’t like him. Dave is the one who was hurt, it isn’t his responsibility to make Dirk feel better about sharing DNA with his abuser 

All of this comes back to Dirk’s control and abandonment issues. Dirk needs to control any aspect of how people see him so they don’t leave him. He’s said that he feels that if any of his friends saw him for who he really is they wouldn’t be able to stand him, and in trying to avoid this it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He did so many things to try to avoid his friends leaving him behind that he became someone they might actually abandon if they ever found out about it. And the tragedy is that they probably never will. Hal is ARquius now, and he doesn’t seem to harbor any of the resentment that Hal would be more than justified in feeling toward him. Dirk will probably just get away with it

So yes, Dirk is the villain of Hal’s story. And he’s also a kid who never had much of a chance. Both things can be true without either one canceling the other out. Maybe, given time, Dirk would change his view of Hal. But we don’t see that, so we have to judge him as it stands at the end of Act 7. And as it stands, Dirk was never able to deal with his own issues enough to treat Hal with respect and dignity

[randomposterofstuff]

An in-depth analysis of Mikasa’s character development in relation to Eren and Levi

Author's Note: Hi, all! As I was re-reading and going over my previous post/analysis titled "On the change of dynamics of Mikasa's relationships with Eren and Levi," I realized that there were some points that I should've/could've included. Lol. I also came up with other points of analysis as well as arrived at other realizations concerning Mikasa's connections with Eren and Levi. So, I've decided to post them here. This post can be considered a continuation of the previous analysis since it supplements and further expounds on the last post's points. But this can still stand on its own since it also talks about additional issues. Haha. If you want to read the previous post, the link is up there. Hehehe.

Fair Warning: This is a very long post. Lol.

This post will analyze the following:

1.  How Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history. This was already touched upon in the previous post, but this post will expound more on this.

2.  How Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's own character development. How her development as a character is affected by this will also be discussed. This segment will also analyze how Mikasa's connection to Eren became strained because of the latter's drastic change in the latter part of the series.

3.  How "Chapter 138: A Really Long Dream" is about Mikasa finally letting go of and "waking up" from her dream. This post shall also analyze how Chapter 138 is actually the climax and turning point of Mikasa's character development concerning Eren.

4.  How Eren represents Mikasa's dream, while Levi represents her reality. This will be further expounded on later.

From the foregoing topics, it’s clear that this is a primarily Mikasa-centered analysis. Haha. I just had so many thoughts running through my mind about her development that I was eager to make this post. Lol.

So, anyway, we now delve in:

1.    Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history.

In the series, most of Mikasa's actions and reactions tend to either revolve around or be connected to Eren. About this, it is necessary to take into account their relationship and shared history.

Before Mikasa met Eren, she was a young girl who lived a relatively peaceful and quiet life with her loving parents. But then, all that changed when human traffickers killed her parents in front of her eyes and kidnapped her to sell her as a sex slave.

During this time, she was just an innocent young girl who hadn't experienced much of the world yet. So, one can only imagine the pain, shock, and trauma that she must have felt during her brief period of captivity. Being so young at the time, she was understandably shaken and scared – having had her family and her innocence forcibly and violently taken away from her.

However, hope came in the form of a young Eren who had gone looking for her on his own when he and his father discovered her parents' bodies. When he found her, he wasted no time taking action and immediately killed two of her captors before freeing her. When the third captor arrived and tried to strangle Eren, he told her to fight. At first, she was scared to do so, as evidenced by her shaking when she held the knife Eren used to cut her binds. While he kept telling her to fight, memories suddenly flashed in her mind, and they made her realize that they lived in a cruel but beautiful world. During this time, her dormant "Ackerman powers" awakened and thus gave her the strength and courage to actually fight and deliver the killing blow – thereby freeing both herself and Eren. As we all know, in the aftermath, the Yeagers took Mikasa in, and Eren gave her his scarf when she said that she felt cold.

As mentioned before, Mikasa and Eren's shared history is important. This is because it defined the early dynamics of their relationship. Eren was literally and figuratively her savior. He saved her from captivity and from a potential future of abuse. He also saved her from loneliness and despair. When she lost her biological parents, she found a new family in Eren, Grisha, and Carla. The Yeager parents treated her warmly and kindly, and Eren was her constant companion (apart from Armin, of course). Having experienced the severe trauma of violently losing her parents, she never wanted to lose anyone precious to her ever again. This is evidenced by the following situations in the series:

a)  When she and Eren desperately wanted to save Carla from the Smiling Titan in Season 1. Neither she nor Eren wanted to leave her behind. So, when Hans carried them away to safety, Mikasa was visibly crying and heartbroken.

b)  When she attacked Levi with tears in her eyes when he initially declared that he would use the Titan serum on Erwin instead of Armin. Armin, alongside Eren, was one of the most precious people left in her life. As such, the idea of losing him was painful. When Levi eventually decided to save Armin instead, Mikasa wept tears of joy when Armin fully recovered after eating Bertolt.

c)  When Mikasa cried upon seeing Sasha's dead body. While the development of their friendship wasn't fully shown, it was clear that Sasha meant a great deal to Mikasa as the former's death affected her deeply.

About Mikasa not wanting to lose anyone close to her, it is evident and apparent that Eren was the most special person in her life. This is not surprising since Eren was the one who literally saved her, and there's also the fact that he was the only one left of her adoptive family. Apart from these, I think that the following reasons are also possible and probable causes as to why Eren was the most special:

a)  Eren was her source of hope and strength. When she fell into despair when she was kidnapped, Eren gave her hope when he came to her rescue. It was also during the struggle against her captors that she awakened her inner Ackerman power. So, she might have attributed her then new-found strength to him. 

[Side note: I'm aware that Eren was lying when he commented that Mikasa had responded to his "command" to fight back then because she mistakenly thought that he was a "royal host." In the “Attack on Titan ANSWERS” guidebook, Isayama-sensei himself stated that "[Mikasa, Levi, and Kenny] are all part of the same Ackerman bloodline. However, their reasons for protecting their respective counterparts do not have anything to do with the bloodline itself—it is just their nature." When I said that Mikasa attributed her then new-found strength to him, I was talking in figurative and emotional terms. Lol.]

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 6 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

b)    In her eyes, Eren represented the good in their cruel world. Because of Eren, Mikasa realized that the world is cruel but is also beautiful – meaning that there's also good in it

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 7 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

My take is that all of these things shaped and formed the beginnings of Mikasa's connection to Eren. Their shared history influenced Mikasa's overly protective nature towards him and her affection for him. Eren was the foundation of her strength and a constant reminder that there was still good in the cruel world they lived in. As such, she would have done anything to protect him and all that he meant to her.

This is particularly important as we proceed to the second point of this analysis, which is how Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's.

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2.    Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's.

For the most part of the series, Mikasa has been characterized by her strong urge to protect Eren. The reasons behind this protective nature of hers have already been expounded earlier. At this juncture, I shall now discuss how Mikasa was affected by the kind of person Eren used to be.

Specifically, this portion of the analysis will be divided into two (2) parts: the first will be about their character developments during the pre-Marley arc. The second will be about their developments during the Marley arc and going onwards.

a)    Pre-Marley Arc

As previously mentioned, Eren was her literal savior. And she saw firsthand how he would willingly place himself in danger to protect others. She appreciated Eren's good-nature. And she likely saw him as a sort of embodiment of the things that make the cruel world they live in more bearable and more beautiful.

It is essential to consider the kind of person that Eren used to be before the Marley arc. Before the truth of the world and the Titans was revealed, Eren was a mischievous and stubborn child. Still, at the same time, he was also good-natured, determined, selfless, and courageous. His resolve, courage, and desire to protect others were further amplified when the Warriors of Marley attacked his hometown of Shiganshina and when the Smiling Titan ate his mother.

The early stages of Eren's development are relevant to Mikasa's own development. Due to his well-meaning nature and their shared history, Mikasa felt strongly inclined to side with him and protect him at all times. While this is understandable on her part, it has also proven to be problematic.

Her disposition towards Eren impaired her judgment

For instance, it has been shown on more than one occasion that Mikasa's affection for Eren has impaired her judgment. This has been exemplified in the following cases:

a)    Back in Season 1, when both she and Armin thought that Eren had been killed, Mikasa went on a reckless rampage on her own against the Titans which invaded Trost. To be fair, she was grief-stricken under the circumstances. Nonetheless, her actions were still irresponsible, and she nearly lost her own life because of them.

b)    When she recklessly went after Annie in her Female Titan form after the latter had captured Eren in the Forest of Giant Trees outside the Walls. Mikasa would have probably been killed had Levi not arrived. Furthermore, because of her rage towards Annie during this time, Mikasa disobeyed Levi's order not to engage Annie in battle. Her decision endangered her; it also resulted in Levi's injury, which rendered him unable to fight for some time.

It also narrowed her priorities and way of thinking

As mentioned in my previous post, Mikasa is not cruel or heartless towards others. It has been shown that she has empathy for innocent and helpless people. This is likely because of her own experiences with being powerless. The following instances exemplify this:

a)    When she saved Louise and her mother from one of the Titans that had invaded Trost.

b)    When she threatened Dimo Reeves with her sword when he refused to allow the district's defenseless citizens to pass through the pathway leading to the protected areas until all of his merchandise and goods were carried through. She only relented her threatening demeanor and actions when he had this cart moved to the side to make way for the citizens to pass.

However, because of the extent of her concern and devotion to Eren, Mikasa seemed to disregard nearly everything else whenever he was in danger.

An example of this was during the Struggle for Trost and Eren's military trial in Season 1. When Eren transformed to begin the mission to seal the Wall, he initially lost control and attacked Mikasa and the others. It is worth noting that it was unintentional on his part. However, that does not change the fact that his loss of control nearly jeopardized the mission and placed his comrades in danger.

While the mission was ultimately successful, Eren's loss of control was still a serious source of concern. Because of this, he was temporarily imprisoned. It was also decided that there would be a trial to see if he was either a threat or an asset to humanity within the Walls.

During this time, Mikasa was understandable apprehensive, and worried about Eren. It is worth noting that, as mentioned in my previous post, she was more concerned about him than the fact that he was still a potential threat at the time. It should be remembered that during this time, the inhabitants of Paradis (save for a select few such as the royal family and their followers) were ignorant of the truth about Titans and the world. As such, the fear directed towards Eren was valid and understandable. Yet, despite this, Mikasa was still singularly focused on him.

This is evidenced by the following:

a)    Her glaring at Rico when it was revealed that the latter had mentioned Eren's loss of control in the report that they had submitted. When Rico responded with, "Did you expect me to lie in a report?" Mikasa simply continued to glare at the Garrison soldier. On this, Rico was clearly in the right for telling the truth since Eren's powers were still a mystery and still potentially harmful to others. Yet, Mikasa was probably too worried about Eren to realize this.

b)    When she attempted to attack Levi when the latter began to physically beat Eren. She would've undoubtedly intervened had Armin not stopped her. I had already expounded on this in my previous post, but I will just add the pertinent excerpts here:

"The display was necessary to emphasize and prove that Levi, who is widely known as "Humanity's Strongest Soldier," was best suited to subdue Eren should he lose control of his abilities. Because of this, the Scouts were able to convince the Military Police and Premier Zackly that they should be given custody over Eren. At the time, Mikasa was gravely concerned about Eren's well-being and was perhaps too furious at Levi to think about anything else. Because of this, she probably did not immediately realize that Levi had effectively secured Eren's relative safety at the end of the day. "

"During the trial, the MPs spoke of planning to dissect him, among others. Conversely, the Scouts proposed that he participate in an upcoming scouting expedition to determine whether he is a threat or not. They also suggested that Eren be placed under Levi's direct supervision so that he could be subdued in the event of an incident. While the latter proposal still entailed some degree of violence, it was far less hostile and more beneficial to Eren than the MP's proposal."

To conclude this part, I think that Mikasa focused more on the fact that Eren never meant any harm. And she probably thought that Eren should not be punished because of this. Again, all of this shows how Mikasa was inclined to always side with Eren (even though his actions may sometimes do more harm than good) because of his good and well-meaning nature and their shared history.

b)   Marley arc until the present time

The second part of this segment shall now discuss how Eren's drastic and dark development affected Mikasa.

As mentioned before, Mikasa always sided with Eren because of their past and his good nature.

However, when Eren began changing for the worse, their relationship began to deteriorate. As mentioned in my previous post, they slowly but surely drifted apart until they lost their common ground.

At the start of the Marley arc (which is the beginning of the fourth season in the anime), Eren's personality had noticeably become darker. This is evidenced by his horrible actions, which endangered and cost lives, such as the following:

a)    When he executed his and Zeke's plan to raid Liberio so that they could both escape to Paradis Island. As a result of this plan, countless innocent civilians and children were killed in the process. Furthermore, several of his comrades from the Survey Corps/Scouting Regiment lost their lives, including Sasha.

b)    When he initiated the Rumbling with the intention to destroy all of humanity not residing within Paradis Island. This plan and course of action would eliminate both their enemies who were actively plotting to attack Paradis and millions of innocent civilians and bystanders.

At this point in time, Eren had changed from a good-natured and compassionate soldier dedicated to protecting innocents to a depressed and violent extremist. This change was triggered by the revelation of the truth about the world and his gaining access to the memories of the past and future inheritors of his Attack Titan.

With regard to how his terrible change affected Mikasa, it is clear that she was clearly disturbed by it.

Mikasa had begun to acknowledge that Eren was no longer the "good" in their cruel world.

During the raid on Liberio, she was visibly distraught and affected by Eren's destructive actions. It seemed that she was in disbelief – she even asked him if he was aware that he did things that cannot be undone. As mentioned in the previous post, Mikasa was even more distressed because Eren consciously caused the destruction and did not appear to show any remorse.

It is worth noting that Mikasa's empathy for innocent and defenseless people, especially children, was highlighted in this scene. When she asked Eren if he was aware of his actions' consequences, there were tears in her eyes.

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 6 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

At that point in time, Mikasa had begun to realize that the Eren she once knew was no longer with them. She had started to see that Eren no longer represented the good in the world; and that he had become a source of what makes it cruel.

Mikasa felt conflicted because she was in denial.

Throughout the Marley arc events up until the Rumbling arc, Mikasa still held on to the hope that Eren could still change for the better. It is true that she believed (or maybe desperately wanted to believe) that Zeke was manipulating him, but does not change the fact that Eren was acting on his own accord.

On several occasions, Mikasa had expressed her desire to talk to Eren and kept insisting that sense could still be talked into him. I think that this is an indicator that she was in a state of "pseudo-denial."

I used the term "pseudo-denial" because, from how I see it, Mikasa was already aware that Eren was no longer the same person who saved her.  That he was no longer the same person who insisted that Historia eat him so that humanity can be saved. That he was no longer the same person who would jump right into battle to protect innocent people; that he had turned into someone who had harmed and would continue to harm innocent people. However, it appears that Mikasa did not want to accept this fact. This is why she kept insisting on talking to Eren in the slim chance that he could still be persuaded to abandon his plan of initiating the Rumbling. She was torn between reality and her personal sentiments. In short, she still hoped that the kind person who stood up for the helpless and who saved her from bondage was still in there somewhere. This exemplified by this scene from Episode 14 of Season 4:

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 14 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

This pseudo-denial placed her odds with her allies and comrades. The others, such Armin, Annie, and Levi, had already accepted that Eren needed to be killed in the worst-case scenario. On this, it's apparent that Mikasa knew that they were right considering the circumstances. But she still felt conflicted because she still hoped that Eren could be convinced to not go through with his plans. However, that hope was dashed when Eren himself told them that the only way to stop him was to kill him. Yet, even then, she was still hesitant and conflicted.

Mikasa had matured because of their strained connection and had begun outgrowing her bond with Eren.

In a way, Mikasa was still holding onto the past. On this, Eren's dark character development is what caused their relationship to deteriorate. As previously discussed, Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history and the type of person he used to be. In the past, Eren was her savior, her family, and her source of strength and hope. But when he stopped being those things to her, the foundation for their bond was lost.

While it is tragic and drastic for Mikasa, this caused her to become more keenly aware of other priorities. She became more cognizant of the stakes involved rather than just focusing on Eren. Although she still cared greatly for him, she was no longer singularly focused on him. She became wise and mature enough to not turn a blind eye to the danger and threat that he posed. This in sharp contrast to how she acted in the past. Before, she would always place Eren's welfare first before nearly anything else. But because of recent developments, she finally began to realize and understand that there were other things more important than Eren. And I think that this is a significant turning point for her since he had affected and influenced her for most of her life.

Before Chapter 138, Mikasa was still in a state of "pseudo-denial" because of her hope for a more peaceful solution in dealing with Eren. But I think that the fact that she started feeling conflicted was the start of her process of outgrowing her bond with Eren. This is because she knew that she could no longer just turn a blind eye to his actions and their devastating effects.

The significance of her process of outgrowing her connection with Eren will be further expounded in the next point of analysis below.

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3.    "Chapter 138: A Long Dream" is about Mikasa finally letting go of and "waking up" from her own dream.

It has already been established that Mikasa had dreamed of living a peaceful life for the longest time. She dreams of one that is similar to the kind she once had with her parents. In particular, Mikasa wanted to live such a life with her loved ones, particularly Eren. The "dream" she had during this chapter is evidence of this.

It is unclear whether what Mikasa saw was a dream, a hallucination, a vision, or, as some fans speculate, a memory from an alternate reality. In any case, it was not the reality that she lived in.

I've already stated earlier that her process of outgrowing Eren and their bond was significant. Concerning this, I think that the said process was part of a slow build-up towards her decision to finally let Eren go and kill him.

As previously mentioned, Mikasa seemed to have difficulty accepting that the Eren of her past had turned into the Eren who wished to destroy all of humanity outside of Paradis. She had struggled to fully acknowledge and accept this fact because it was too painful for her. However, as the situation started to become more drastic and desperate, she realized that she had no other choice but to face reality.

But even though she knew this, she still felt conflicted. Even when Eren told them that the only way to stop him was to kill him, she was still hesitant. She knew what needed to be done but could not accept it because of her attachment to Eren.

On this, I think that the "dream" or vision (or whatever it really was) that she had during the battle is representative of the kind of life she wishes and dreams for. When she, Levi, and the remaining Titan shifters were the only ones left to fight, she started having another headache. And when Levi told her that they were the only ones left who could kill Eren, her head pain intensified until the dream/vision started playing in her mind.

This is my take on this moment: the headache represented Mikasa's conflicted feelings. She knew that Eren needed to be stopped to save humanity. She knew that the rest of the world did not deserve to suffer from the cruel fate that Eren wished to bestow upon it. But her emotional attachments held her back from taking action. As for the dream/vision, I think it was her way of arriving at an epiphany and decision. And on this, maybe it was this dream/vision that gave Mikasa the resolve and courage to finally accept the reality. I will expound further.

In the dream/vision, Mikasa was crying. She said that she "shouldn't be there." And then dream-Eren spoke about their decision to run away from the Marleyan-Paradis conflict so that they could live in isolation and in peace during the last few years of his life. Dream-Eren then apologized for "bringing up the past."

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

I personally think that this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. During this dream/vision, Mikasa finally realized that her wish and dream to live a peaceful life with Eren could no longer come true. Her dream was born in the past, and if there was any chance of it happening, it had already passed by. Mikasa finally realized that attaining her dream was already impossible at that point.

I also think that when dream-Eren told her to forget about him after he dies, this could be interpreted as Mikasa realizing that if she were to finally have a quiet and peaceful life, then Eren would not be a part of it.

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

Furthermore, Mikasa saying that she "had a long dream" could mean that she finally let go of her life-long wish/dream so that she can wake up to the reality she needed to face. It could be interpreted as her choosing to give up on Eren for good to make the world a less cruel place. On this, her decision to kill Eren herself was likely her way of letting him go and saying goodbye. It was the climactic resolution and outcome of her internal conflict where she struggled to choose between doing the right thing (saving humanity) and holding on to the most special thing in her life (Eren). In the end, she chose humanity over him because she knew that if she chose him, then their already cruel world would become darker and crueler.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

A quick note on Mikasa saying that she can’t forget Eren:

Some people might say that Mikasa’s declaration that she can’t forget Eren means that she decided not to let him go. I personally disagree with this. It is completely possible to move on from someone and let them go without forgetting them. In Mikasa’s case, I think that by saying that she won’t forget Eren, she meant that she will always remember the peaceful, good, and happy times that they had together. I also think that it means that she will fondly remember Eren as the good person he used to be.

I think that it’s understandable and fair that Mikasa chooses to remember the good times and the good things. Because, for better or for worse, Eren was still a huge and influential part of her life. The old Eren and the good times they had together were very much real, and the happiness she felt during those times was also genuine and valid. I also think that her decision to wear the scarf around her neck before delivering the killing blow was her way of saying, “I’m letting you go. But I will always value the good moments we had together. Goodbye.”

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

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4. Eren represents Mikasa's dream, while Levi represents her reality.

This is a personal take and interpretation of the possible symbolisms connecting Mikasa and Levi in Chapter 138.

During the final battle against Eren, only Levi, Mikasa, and the titan-shifters were left to fight. And during this battle, Mikasa started to have her dream/vision. While dealing with her conflicted emotions, she began to drift to her "dream" about Eren and away from reality. And while she was drifting away, Levi kept telling her to "stay with [him there]."

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

This could be interpreted as Levi being the voice calling out to her to stay in the current reality and not get lost in her distant and impossible dream. It is interesting to note that before she began "dreaming," an image of Eren as a child was shown, followed by a panel of a close-up of Levi's mouth with no dialogue. Meaning that everything around her had already faded away before she was immersed in her dream during that time.

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

This could symbolize the inner conflict and turmoil that Mikasa was experiencing. She was torn between holding on to the past and accepting the present.

When she woke-up, both literally and figuratively, Mikasa had decided to let go of her dream and of Eren. She finally accepted the reality and returned to it. She returned to Levi's side and faced reality alongside him.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

Following this line of thought, this symbolic moment could foreshadow the kind of relationship they would have in the future. Considering that this final stand against Eren might very well be the most important battle of their lives, it would be reasonable to assume that they might form a deeper connection and relationship in its aftermath. They finished it together, so perhaps (and hopefully) it means that whatever the future might bring, they would also face it together.

Going back to how Eren and Levi are symbols, Eren represents her dream. Eren is not only a part of it; it is also linked to her past. Mikasa knew that her dream was impossible to achieve at that point and that it was necessary to finally let it go.

Levi, on the other hand, represents her reality. The reality she currently lives in is cruel and harsh. However, she can control what she does in it and what she makes of her life in the said reality. In other words, her reality is full of possibilities and various choices. This is in contrast to her dream of a life with Eren, which was impossible to attain. Furthermore, she only had two (2) choices as to what to do with the dream. It was either to keep holding on to it despite its impossibility or to let it go completely.

Thus, it can be said that Eren represents and symbolizes “what could have been”. Whereas, Levi represents “what could be”. Prescinding from this, there really is a good chance of Mikasa and Levi growing closer in the future.

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Author’s Note: Well, that’s all for now. Lol. I know that this post is very, very lengthy. Hahahaha. So, I really appreciate you guys for taking the time to read it. I tried my best to make it as organized and as clear as possible. I hope that it makes sense. Haha. I might post more analyses in the future. Hehehe. Let me know your thoughts and opinions!

[zevlors-tail]

Rooftops

Pairing: ProHero!Deku x Reader

Description: Sometimes being a Hero isn’t just fighting villains and rescuing people from burning buildings; sometimes it’s battling demons and rescuing people from themselves instead.

Warnings: Suicidal reader, thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide? (reader doesn’t succeed), trauma bonding, mentions of bullying, little bit of touch starvation? Talks of therapy, decision to try therapy.

A/N: I guess you could say I needed to vent some heavy things. PLEASE do not read this if you are triggered by anything mentioned above. Also, I HC that Midoriya never would have gone through with it, but he might have at one point been in the reader’s position, and I wish they would expand on how what Katsuki said and did to him in middle school affected his life more. I will never be satisfied until we get a proper apology from Bakugou and the two of them sort out their feelings about it, bc you KNOW that had to create some trauma. So I guess this might be sort of a fix-it fic? Also, I’m sorry for the ending, it might be cringe, idk. I can’t help but add fluff to everything I write, apparently. I love Best Boi, what can I say?

You breathed in the cool night air as you leaned against the railing, fingers trembling slightly against the rusty metal. Everything seemed so surreal; the noisy traffic below, the people bustling down streets and alleyways, the dimmed apartment lights from the building across... What did any of it matter? In the grand scheme of things, you were just a small spec of the universe observing all these phenomenons, a waste of space taking up time that could belong to something or someone more useful than your sorry excuse of an existence. That’s what you thought, at least.

You leaned a little farther over and rested your chest against the bars of steel. Would anyone miss you if you were to just...disappear? If you dropped everything and left right now, would anyone care? Would anyone cry for your absence? These were questions you had asked yourself over and over again, and each time you had managed to convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, the answer was yes, someone would care. But each time the questions rolled around in your head, it got harder to convince yourself of that. You found doubts in every corner of your mind, in every crack and crevice of your brain that they could slink into. Quiet at first, but now as loud as a siren, they overwhelmed you and made you believe you were worthless. They beat you down, exhausted you, claimed your once happy spirit and soiled it with numbness and apathy. Those doubts were the reason you wholeheartedly believed that you no longer mattered to anyone.

They were also the reason you were twenty stories up in the air on the roof of your apartment building.

Steeling your nerves and taking a deep breath, you let everything sink in. This was what you were waiting for all these years. All of your life had lead up to this single moment; all of your past mistakes, all of your life decisions, all of the lost friends, your job, your family and their snide remarks, your short comings...and all the rest. It didn’t matter. Every time you blinked, every sneeze, every laugh, whether genuine or fake, didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, including you.

Nothing matters, and no one cares.

And with that final thought, you hoisted yourself up and over the railing, limbs heavy with a dull numbness as you planted your feet loosely on the other side. For a second you balanced yourself, arms outstretched behind you to grip on to the bars for one last fleeting sense of security. Just one more step. But even as you moved forward, you found that your hands seemed to tighten their grip on the steel, and suddenly you felt physical panic despite your mind telling you that this was what you really wanted. It seemed your body was defying your mind.

“I don’t think you want to do that.”

Startled, you stumbled back and tightened your hold on the rails until your knuckles turned white. Were you imagining things, or did you just hear a voice? And if so, who was it and what were they doing all the way up here? Whatever their business was though, it surely had nothing to do with you, right? So why were they meddling in your affairs when you just wanted to be left alone? The thought of it was just a little too much, and you found yourself snapping at whoever was behind you.

“Uh, yeah, I think I do.” It came out more spiteful than you meant it to sound. But then, that was just how you were these days...bitter and cold. All the more reason to end everything.

“Please, just come back over here to the other side of the railing. We can talk if you want, or I can just sit with you, or we can listen to music together if that would help?” The stranger’s voice was gentle and pleading, as if he was afraid to break you if he spoke too loud. 

“Just leave me alone! Why do you care anyway?” You stole a glance behind you to get a good look at the person trying to talk you down. The first thing you noticed was the green hair, and then the pair of concerned emerald eyes reflecting back at you. Under those were a set of freckles, giving him an overall boyish look, and finally- his costume. You recognized Japan’s Number One Hero, Deku.

“Because I don’t want to see you get hurt...or worse.” His tone was solemn. “I’m sorry, but I can’t just leave you alone up here. Clearly you had one purpose for coming up here, and I’m not going to let you go through with it.”

For a moment, you felt your heart soar at the possibility that someone cared after all. But just as hope was about to take root and bloom within your chest, it seemed that your mind had other ideas to cut the poor blossom out. As fast as the feeling settled, it was gone, and you reminded yourself that this was his job; he was required to help anyone who he thought might be in trouble. It wasn’t like he really wanted to be up here talking to you.

“What the hell do you know about why I’m up here? And anyways...it’s your job to save people. You don’t have to pretend to care about me. It doesn’t matter if you’re the number one hero or not, you’re still going to forget about me some day or another. A week from now you won’t even think twice about me. I’m forgettable. I don’t matter...not really. So please just leave me be. You’re bothering me.” No matter how hard you tried to keep the anger in your voice, you couldn’t help how it faded with each passing second. It was tiring to keep feeling everything and nothing all at once. You wanted it all to just stop.

There was long moment of silence that passed between the two of you, which you took as a sign that you had been right about everything you had just said. Your anxieties and nerves were starting to get to you by then; you were about to really go through with it and had inched forward slightly when he decided to speak again. 

“Once, someone told me to take a swan dive off the roof of my old school.” Your breath hitched as you stopped in your tracks. “I know what it’s like not to be wanted or needed by everyone around you. To feel like a failure, like there’s no hope left... Like you’re not worth saving. But even if you really think and believe all those things you said about yourself, just know that I care. And it’s not because it’s my job to, or because I’m a Pro Hero, or because I just happened to be in the area and saw you up here after my shift ended. It’s because at one point in my life, I could relate to where you are now.”

You were left without words for once as you stood there, wind whipping through your hair and eyes focused on nothing in particular. After the initial shock wore off, you finally turned around to face him. You searched his eyes for any trace of deception, anything to prove that maybe he was lying or just trying to get to you, but all you could find was sincere honesty. And Deku, upon seeing you turn around from the edge of the building, seemed to tense for a second before continuing.

“I climbed up to the top of the school roof that day and when I got up there, I just...stared down. All I could think about at the time was making the pain and the numbness go away. But then I thought of my mom’s face when she would hear the news...and I thought of how I would only be a statistic after that- a number, you know, like the ones I recorded every day in my notebook. But I didn’t want that. I had a name that I loved, a mother waiting for me at home, and a dream I was still holding on to. I realized what I really wanted was to prove everyone wrong, to still become the hero I wanted to be as a little boy. And even more than that, I just wanted the pain to stop. I think that’s what people truly want- just to feel better.” He gave you a small smile and offered a hand to you after that, and you swore his eyes were glistening a little if you looked close enough. “I would care if you were gone. I would think about it every day. I don’t even know your name, but your face is already engraved in my mind. I would have made the biggest mistake of my life had I ended things that day; look at where I am now! If I let someone else take away all their future opportunities and potential life experiences knowing that I could have stopped them, knowing that I didn’t offer them the support I desperately wanted when I was going through it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“...you mean that?” You couldn’t help the tremble in your voice.

“Every word. Please, just come back over to this side and talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. I promise I’ll do my best to help however I can.”

Something pulled at your heartstrings as you listened to him. He had put into words everything you had been feeling these past few months, everything you wanted to express but just couldn’t. Tentatively, you reached out a hand to meet his, and he wasted no time as he wrapped his other arm around your waist and hoisted you back over the railing towards safety and into his arms.

“Oh thank god,” he breathed out. His arm was still wound tight around your waist as he pulled you flush to him and walked you backwards. When the two of you reached the wall of the entryway to the rooftop, he stopped and slid down to the floor with you, a heavy sigh of relief escaping his lips. “Please don’t ever scare me like that again.” You blinked back tears as you leaned into Deku’s tight hug, your arms coming up to wrap around him as well. You couldn’t remember the last time someone had been so loving and caring with you or the last time you had been hugged like this. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m here.”

That was all it took for the dam inside of you to burst.

Hot tears finally spilled over and soaked Deku’s costume as all the emotions you had been suppressing came back full force. You hid your face in his shirt to try and stifle your cries as much as you could, but it was no use. There was no hiding the turmoil in your soul; all you could do was endure the sadness and frustration while he held you and comforted you. Slowly the reality of the situation started to sink in, and the realization that you almost took your own life hit you full force.

“I...I almost-!” You didn’t have the strength to finish your sentence as you sobbed harder and shook in the hero’s arms. He eventually shifted the two of you around to a more comfortable position and rubbed circles on your shoulder soothingly while you cried, a look of understanding and empathy in his eyes.

“But you didn’t. And you know what that tells me? That despite all those lies you’re telling yourself, there’s still a part of you left that wants to live. There’s still a part of you, no matter how small, that’s holding on to hope that things will get better. Find that feeling deep down inside you, grasp it, and never let go of it. You deserve to exist here. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to wake up each day and live and enjoy life. And I know you probably don’t feel that way right now, but believe me when I say that it’s the truth.” A comfortable silence settled between the two of you as you took a moment to contemplate his words.

“You said we could talk if I wanted to...” you sniffled.

“Sure, we can talk. It doesn’t even have to be about anything in particular. Whatever you want to talk about, I’ll listen.”

So you told him everything. You poured your heart out to someone who was no more than a stranger to you, even if you recognized his face because it was plastered on every poster and broadcasted on every T.V. Even if you knew who Deku was, the person behind the mask was someone else entirely, and it brought a sense of comfort to you to know that a real person was listening to your troubles and caring about them. For once, someone was taking the time to make you a priority, and that was not something you were used to.

“I’m sorry, you’re probably tired of listening to me by now. I can’t believe I dumped all of that on y-” you tried to apologize, but he shook his head and cut you off before you could finish.

“Don’t be. I offered, didn’t I? I genuinely want to hear about what’s troubling you. Everyone deserves to be listened to, especially when they’re hurting. You’re important, and what you have to say is also important. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”

You blinked up at him with wide eyes. How was he so good at this? A thought crossed your mind then, and you wondered for a brief moment if...had anyone ever listened to him? He had taken the time to calm you down and make you feel important by listening wholeheartedly to everything you had to say. The least you could do was return the favor, right?

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a really good listener?” you asked, a small but sincere smile on your face.

“Yes, actually. Plenty of times, but I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing it. It just means I’m succeeding at making others feel important, which is what I aim to do, so thank you for that.” He stared up at the night sky, his eyes reflecting the sparkling stars above. They were...so full of life. You found that fact inspiring.

There was a small pause before you asked him another question, hesitance evident in your voice. “Have you...told anyone? About what you said to me earlier, I mean.” It came out more awkward than you intended it to, and he seemed confused about what you were trying to ask.

“About what I said to you earlier?”

“Y-You know, the...rooftop...” you trailed off, not wanting to pry if he didn’t want to talk about it after all. “I’m so sorry, I just assumed since you mentioned it earlier that maybe you wanted to talk about it or something- Ah, I’m making things worse, I’m really sorry!” You ran your hands through your hair, anxiety getting the better of you and making your heart race. Deku shifted slightly beside you but kept his arm around your shoulders, a look of understanding coming over him.

“Oh, that?” He gave a small airy laugh. “While I appreciate the concern, I have a really great therapist. It’s kind of a requirement for Pros; we deal with a lot on the job.”

“...oh.” Oh. Oh. You weren’t sure what you were expecting, but certainly not...that. “Again, I’m sorry if I pried,” you apologized one last time. At the sound of your third ‘I’m sorry’, Deku looked over at you thoughtfully.

“You know, I used to apologize a lot too. Actually, my therapist was the one who got me to kick the bad habit. Speaking of which...” He reached into one of the red pouches on his costume belt and produced a single card between his index and middle finger, the lamination of it emitting a dim glare as he held it out to you. “I think you could really benefit from therapy. I’m not saying that to be rude or anything-!” His face flushed as he tried to explain himself; he didn’t want you to feel like he was dismissing you or that he wasn’t concerned with your issues. “I swear! I just...really think you could use another person in your corner right now. They’re super nice, I promise! I’ll even help you set up an appointment if you want.”

You shrunk a little at the idea of seeing a therapist, but took the card anyway. The writing on the little piece of plastic stared back at you menacingly, an uncomfortable feeling settling in your gut.

Dr. T/N T/L/N Deku Agency Specialist in Psychology Phone: 800-888-8880 Email (Mon-Fri): T/nT/l/n@deku.agencies.com Office Hours: Mon-Sat, 9am-5pm

As if he could read your turbulent mind, Deku pulled you closer and rested his head against yours. “I know talking to someone else about your problems seems scary at first, but it really helps. If you keep everything bottled up, then those feelings and problems don’t have anywhere to go, and they’ll eat you up on the inside. Therapy gives you a safe way of letting those feelings out and sorting through problems in healthy ways. Of course it’s ultimately your choice, and everybody’s experience differs...but it did help me.”

You considered everything he said, including his offer to help schedule an appointment. If nothing else, you could really use another friend... You pocketed the card and decided to worry about it later; exhaustion was starting to settle in by now, and the air only seemed to get colder by the minute. It had to be past midnight by now.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done. It means a lot to me, truly. I’ll...think about the therapist.” 

“I’m glad to hear that. But in the mean time, can I see your phone?” The question caught you off guard and forced you back to the reality of where you were, and what you’d planned to do earlier.

“Uh, well...” you started, “I left it in my apartment. I didn’t think I’d need it up here since... Anyway, I don’t have it on me.” You stared off to the side, not wanting to talk about the subject any longer.

“Do you live around here?”

“Yeah, actually, I live in this apartment building.”

“Oh! Then, I’ll walk with you back to your apartment, since it’s getting kind of cold now. But first...” He whipped out his own phone, opening the contacts app and clicking on the ‘Create New Contact’ option. “What’s your phone number?”

“My phone number?” You stared at him, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, so I can text you and call you. I’d like to be friends, if that’s okay?” He gave you a shy smile with a faint blush, and it was hard not to burst into tears again.

A friend. You had made a new friend. One that cared about you, that wanted to make sure you were okay, that would put in time and effort to talk to you and see you. You could hardly believe it.

“Really?”

“Of course! Sooo, can I have it, then? Oh, and I guess I’ll need your name at some point too, huh?” he teased, a playful glint in his eyes.

“It’s Y/N,” you stated happily.

You immediately gave your number to him, and then the two of you stood to go back inside. He helped you up and held the door open for you, and from there you took the stairs back to your apartment. You made small talk on the way back, and things finally started to feel normal to you for once. But as soon as you turned down the hall that led to your apartment door, you started to feel it; that familiar sinking feeling was creeping in, apathy and the sense of nothingness overwhelming you again. The night was finally coming to an end. You would go back to your apartment, and things would go back to normal, and Deku would probably forget that you even existed. He said he would text, but would he really? He was so busy with hero work, and you half expected things to go back to the way they would be. What if nothing changed? What if you went back to feeling numb? What if everything that happened tonight didn’t really matter? What would you do?

“Whoah, Y/N, slow down. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

Huh? Shit! Had you said all that out loud?

You panicked as you stared at your door. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“Hey, look at me.” He cupped your face between his hands, tilting your head up to meet his concerned gaze. “Everything will be okay. But these kinds of problems don’t just disappear over night, they need time, and sometimes some outside help from others. I promise to keep in touch with you. I want to make sure you’re okay, and I’d like to get to know you better too. Maybe I can introduce you to my friends? They’re really great people, and they would make you feel right at home. But for now, let’s just focus on one thing, okay? Let’s get you settled back into your apartment for the night.” He ruffled the top of your head softly, and while others might have taken the gesture as offensive or belittling, you were just glad to have felt his warm touch.

“Okay,” you agreed quietly, and you twisted the handle to the door, which you remembered you had left unlocked.

The small apartment greeted you with familiar darkness, that is, until Deku flipped your light switch and the few lamps you had lit up the living room. He let himself in and shut the door behind the two of you, earning a surprised look from you and giving you an apologetic look of his own. “I don’t mean to intrude...I just...” He looked like he was choking over his own words. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to let you be alone right now...but if you want me to leave, then-”

“I don’t want to be alone either,” you were quick to cut him off. You had wanted to invite him to stay, but you also didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. However, it seemed like he beat you to the punch. “I don’t mind you staying. Besides, it’s late, and you look tired. The couch pulls out into a bed; let me get you some extra blankets.” 

You tried your best to be hospitable, even with him insisting that you didn’t need to and that he could just crash in the comfy clothes he wore under his costume. You didn’t have any extra clothes for him, but at least you could give him a pillow and a blanket. As you went to fetch those, you also grabbed your phone from your desk and dropped it next to him on the makeshift bed. He took the liberty of entering his phone number and his real name into your contacts before passing it back.

“No way, you like All Might too?” he asked as you handed him the themed blanket. “This is the same exact blanket I have at home!” A wide grin came over him as he cuddled into it.

His enthusiasm made you laugh a little as you tossed him the pillow. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” You started to walk away to your bedroom, and as you were about to turn the lights out, he stopped you.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Did you need something?”

He peeked his head over the edge of the couch. “I just realized I never gave you my name. You can call me Izuku, if you want. Since, we’re friends now, and all.”

“Izuku,” you echoed, “I’m really glad I met you.” And you meant it.

“Yeah, me too.” A moment of silence. “That I met you, I mean! I’m glad I met you too!”

You smiled and turned the lights out. “I’m gonna head to bed.” You hesitated a bit to ask him the question burning at the back of your mind, but your anxiety forced you to ask anyway, the fear of not knowing eating at you. “Will you still be here tomorrow morning?”

He answered you right away and gave you a reassuring look. “I’m off work tomorrow, and I don’t have any plans, so I won’t be going anywhere unless you want me to.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Izuku.” 

“Sweet dreams, Y/N.”

You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding for so long, and with that, you made your way to your bedroom and changed into your favorite pajamas. The card that Izuku had given you earlier dropped to the floor while you were changing, and you picked it up carefully before reading it over again. Maybe...it was worth a shot. You had a lot you were dealing with, and the idea that you could talk to someone about it without being judged or made fun of almost sounded too good to be true. Sure, you had Izuku now, but you knew realistically he wasn’t going to be around all the time. You were tired of feeling like you were always alone, tired of feeling everything and nothing all at once, tired in general. It was all so exhausting. And he had said the therapist was nice...

You crawled into bed with your phone and pulled the covers over yourself. The home screen lit up the room as you opened your contacts and scrolled, looking for one name in particular. You tapped on his name and the familiar conversation screen appeared, the little vertical line blinking at you repeatedly as you worked up the courage to type out your message. Finally, your fingers flew across the keys, and you hit send before you could think twice about it.

Y/N: I think I want to schedule an appointment with the therapist. Can you help? 1:34am

It didn’t take long for you to get a response.

Izuku: Of course. I can contact them tomorrow, if you’d like? 1:34am

Y/N: I’d like that a lot. Thank you, Izuku. 1:35am

Izuku: Are you alright? If you need anything, come get me. I won’t mind. 1:35am

Y/N: I really appreciate that. I’m doing a little better. I’ll let you know if I need something. 1:35am

Izuku: Promise? 1:35am

Y/N: I promise. 1:36am

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

I don’t usually give these kinds of deeper analyses on the chapters because people who are way better at deciphering how I feel but just can’t put into words usually beat me to it (@casually-inlove and @call-me-ala to name a couple). Writing analyses can also be exhausting, and I tip my hat to those people who take the time and energy to answer all the asks and whatnot. But ch 297 just wouldn’t let my brain rest, so I decided to gird my loins and give you my thoughts.

Yesterday I answered an ask by @i-got-these-words about what was my favorite 19 Days quote, and even though I will stick to my answer, a very strong contender might have come to challenge my original pick. What He Tian said about Mo Guan Shan - and essentially about himself - just keeps on giving the deeper I dig into between the lines. It felt like HT and Tianshan have somewhat come a full circle.

“I chose you because there’s something I admire about you.”

What a nice callback to ch 138 and the origin of Tianshan in general:

HT “picking” MGS is an interesting aspect of their relationship. After the fight with ZZX, MGS’s palpable disdain of HT is surprisingly enough met with HT saying he admires MGS for that exact reason. Imagine finding someone respectable because they look down on your character. And not only that, you choose to pursue that person. I think that says a lot about HT’s struggle to distance himself from his “destiny” and the heritage of his family.

For that, we have to go even further back, all the way to when we just started to see other sides to HT. Why HT is living by himself in his uncle’s empty apartment isn’t fully clear to us. He said it’s more convenient because of school but judging by how tense his relationship with his father is, I bet there’s more to the housing situation. My headcanon is he’s living alone as a truce to ease the atmosphere at home. I also suspect He Cheng had something to do with it. Maybe it had gotten so bad he suggested HT lived by himself and used the school as an excuse to persuade their father.

Be that as it may, the obvious bottom line is, HT doesn’t agree with his father and the world his family is involved with. He’s been raised according to certain principles, but the older he grew the more they sickened him and the more stubbornly he wanted to defy them.

Before HT got involved with the fight between MGS and ZZX, he seemed to be somewhat of a lone wolf. Sure, he had his horde of fangirls but no one knew the real him. This, I think, is especially apparent in ch 115:

It’s as if he’s living a double life. His destined place in the world is in the shadows. The shady underworld he despises so much. But at the same time, the shadows seem to serve as a refuge of sorts. It’s a familiar place. From there he can observe people, deep in thought, and be himself. Out in the open, we rarely see him that serious but rather he often plasters a fake, outgoing smile that doesn’t scare off his classmates.

He doesn’t seem to have any real friends. JY and ZZX appear to be more of acquaintances, maybe something more, but they don’t know much about HT either. The way HT is with JY and ZZX makes me feel like he’s “above” them. He knows more about the world and life in general, he’s not a teenage boy they are despite often acting like they do. The difference becomes clear when JY bumps into MGS and HT steps in to effectively put an end to it. He has the confidence to take on delinquents without hesitation, even openly look down on them.

But he’s not doing that just out of the goodness of his heart. It’s true he wants to help his friend but he’s also on a mission to become something better than his father and brother. He Cheng told him to grow strong, but HT wants to use his strength for good instead to exploit and submit others. The more he will not become like his brother the better he will feel about himself and like he’s not a part of that shady world. His goal is both admirable and selfish.

MGS becomes a project of sorts for HT. Someone for whom he can be the hero he so desperately wants to. But also a living, breathing beacon of light to remind him to not give in to the darkness and use his strength for good. And no one is allowed to corrupt or snuff it out.

But that kind of relationship is quite one-sided. To be a hero and constantly strive to better oneself is exhausting, and in time, HT’s armor appears to have more and more cracks for MGS to see. He can’t just power through of it all by himself and see MGS, who is a person with his own will, that passively. Without necessarily even realizing it, MGS is forcing HT to admit certain things to himself and acknowledge them.

“You are not fake or sneaky, and you don’t cheat.”

For this analysis, I’ve used the translation by @yaoi-blcd and it seems they’ve used the word “fake”. I’ve seen a couple of others which had translated it as “hypocritical” (I don’t speak Mandarin, so I can’t say which is more accurate). I suppose there isn’t a big difference between the two but I find “hypocritical” quite interesting.

It reminds me of She Li in ch 294:

SL isn’t wrong in saying that HT and MGS are from different worlds. Or rather, they’re from the opposite sides of the same world; the villains and the victims. MGS’s family has suffered greatly by the hands of people like HT’s family. The connections between those two families aren’t clear but I don’t believe it’s far fetched to think MGS’s father might have been mixed with some shady people. For example, maybe he had had to borrow money from them and then had trouble paying back. And it’s from this injustice and the hardships that followed that MGS’s disdain of HT and people like him ultimately stems.

SL obviously doesn’t recognize HT’s efforts to befriend MGS because he doesn’t believe in that kind of approach (but that’s a whole other story). So, to take out his frustration on something, he goes with the truth even HT can’t deny and reminds HT of his “destiny” and place in the world.

HT might see himself as a hypocrite for trying to play a hero for MGS when he’s in fact meant to be the villain. Does he have the right put himself into the victims’ lives when his side of the world is the problem? This becomes even more of an issue if HT’s family was directly involved with what happened to MGS’s father.

Either way, words like “fake, “sneaky”, and “cheat” yet again speak loudly about the kind of world HT lives in and the kind of people he’s surrounded by. The opposite of those words is what he admires in MGS but is he also admitting those words describe him? Does he already see himself in them?

Which leads me to “You aren’t afraid ‘darkness’.“

This was probably my favorite part of the quote. Obviously, HT isn’t just talking about plain darkness although it’s another nice callback to HT being afraid of the dark.

One of the many things I love about Tianshan is that the power dynamic is actually more balanced than meets the eye. HT might be physically stronger and often push MGS’s buttons but MGS is in no way weak. HT can be quite forceful in his affections, so he needs to be paired up with someone who can push back and hold his own. In MGS’s case, all of that comes down to his pride and not wanting to depend on anyone (which is also mentioned in some of the translations instead of “cheating”).

“Darkness” can refer to the violent criminal world in which HT grew up. Interestingly enough it’s the common denominator in both of their lives. They might be from different sides of the darkness, but it’s still the same darkness they’re both familiar with. And MGS won’t back down when it comes to holding his ground, so he’s tough enough to survive in that darkness.

Also, HT needs someone strong enough to handle him at his worst. The latest case in point, ch 295:

It took me a while see behind that behavior. My initial reaction was to be disappointed because I thought we had gotten past HT being like this already. I didn’t like the way he barked orders and was physical without the usual mischevious undertone. Then I realized that despite being mature for his age, HT isn’t really good at using words. Instead, he often chooses action. It was obvious SL’s threat had upset and unsettled him. And it made him even more uneasy when MGS seemed oblivious to the danger. But he wasn’t being forceful and possessive but in need of reassurance.

He literally went from “bad mood” to promising to kill anyone who gives MGS trouble before we finally got to the root of the problem: he’s worried about losing MGS.

Now, he can’t be that way with the girls or his classmates. With them, he couldn’t act out every time he’s upset about something. Ideally, he will grow out of it or at least work on it, but in the meantime, he needs someone who can handle him at his worst.

It’s also obvious HT carries a lot of darkness in a form of trauma, as in his inner darkness. MGS isn’t a stranger to that either given that he’s also been through traumatic experiences at a young age. HT’s nightmares might scare him but he didn’t run away. Instead, he offered what clumsy comfort he could. This is connected to my earlier point of HT not just seeing MGS as someone who needs protection but also as someone he can rely on when it becomes too much. In the process, HT is “forced” to deal with his problems when he can show them to someone.

As an interesting side note, HT is kind of looking down when he talks about the “darkness”. Is he ashamed of being afraid of the “dark”? It’s a weakness, and I’m sure something that wouldn’t be accepted by his father.

“Don’t abandon me.”

HT finally ends his confession of sorts with the kind of plea we’ve never heard out of his mouth. It’s his greatest fear that’s always been in the background and the motivation to his actions but something he’s never said out loud. Not to mention while openly facing MGS like that.

Obviously, that line is heartbreakingly sad in and of itself but take a moment to really think about it. Imagine if the worst happened and MGS wasn’t in HT’s life for some reason anymore. What would he have left at that point? To go back to lurking in the shadows and fake smiling through his days? His goal of a better person would become that much abstract again, and he’d lose the one thing that grounds him in this side of the darkness.

It’s a very thin thread for HT to cling onto. I think @mestizo-efp had a good point in their answer about HT looking defeated. He’s used to being ready for anything and everything and is also asking for MGS to keep his guard up. In that light, HT’s plea is almost unfair. Anything could happen, and realistically speaking neither HT nor MGS could do anything about most of those scenarios.

Also, given HT’s somewhat difficult personality and shortcomings, it can also be read as a plea for MGS to put up with him. As in “I know I can be an ass but don’t give up on me”. It’s the fear of MGS losing hope in HT which could be even a worse punch than losing MGS some other way.

So, yeah. This might, in fact, be my new favorite quote.

[chickensarentcheap]

I Found -Chapter 22

Author’s note:  This story is NOT coming to an end. There’s still things I want to do with it, like add past chapters to show how they met and how she blended in to the (slightly adapted) story line.

That being said, I am working on a small companion piece that takes place five years in the future. So look out for that!

Warnings:  mentions of blood and gun violence

Tagging:  @valkyrie-of-the-light  @c-a-v-a-l-r-y @alievans007

She estimates the exact spot.

 The sidewalks and roadway have been cleaned multiple times in the course of a year and many rains had fallen. Yet there remains several dark stains that mar the cement: a slight possibility of being the remnants of human being. There had been so much. More than she had ever seen in her entire time of the or during her postings overseas. She can still smell it. Feel its smooth texture as it seeped through her fingers and clothes. And she could still her that unmistakable gurgle; the choking and the sputtering.  The sounds that accompanied someone drowning in their own blood.

 She places her palms on the cold metal railing and stares out at the Buriganga. Watching the way the  sunlight glitters on the rippling surface and the way the boats -both commercial and personal- effortless glide through the water. She had thought her reaction would be different. That she would be hit with a tsunami of suppressed rage, trauma, and bitterness that would take her breath away and bring her to her knees. But instead there's peace. A sense of calm that spreads from the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes. Realization surging through her, like a warm, cozy blanket being draped across her shoulders. Perhaps it is closure. Being able to stand there a year and realize that they had made it. He had made it. The initial horror finally behind them; the long gruelling months of healing and rehab now a thing of the past. All that lay ahead of them now was the present. And the future. That last page of a hellish book finally being turned.

 “Sorry we're late.”

 She turns to face him. Jason has gone to the extra mile to make things more believable; a dirty Farhad by his side, a hand firmly grasping the young man's arm, Fahrad's hands trussed into front of him with plastic zip ties. Her initial instinct is to confront Jason right away! To hell with the kid! She wants to throw the photographs in his face and punch him in the throat and kick him when he's done. Keep kicking him. Until he's begging her to stop. He seems so damn proud of himself. A cocky smile plastered across his face, as if presenting her with the kid is deserving of hero worship and praise.  She wants to laugh at him. To call him a stupid sonofabitch and let him know he's not going to get out of there unscathed.  It is way too late for that. There's things he has to answer for and she's going to make sure that happens.

 Instead she smiles. Hoping it doesn't look as phony as it feels.

 “You arranged this?” Jason asks her, as he nods towards the barricades that have been set up at either end of the bridge.

 “I had help.  A friend that owed me.”

 “Must be a hell of a friend. Going through all that trouble. Well,here's your chance...” he uses a shoulder to shove Fahrad towards her. The kid is confused; wild eyed in a mix of terror and nerves. Apparently this wasn't what was planned. Fahrad just as much being thrown to the wolves as she is.  He's not as confident now. The minions that follow him around are nowhere in sight. He's unarmed.  There's no Asif to impress. And he's now reduced to a frightened boy scared of his own shadow.

 “You can go,” Esme says to Jason. “I don't need you now.”

 “There's no way I'm leaving you alone with him. Who knows what's he capable of. If he has buddies just watching and waiting to jump in he gets in trouble.”

 “Then wait over there,” she jerks her head to the left. “This kid and I need to have a chat.”

 He relents; holding his hands up in surrender and then moving down the bridge. Until he's several feet away, leaning back against the railing with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes focused on his feet. For once he isn't wearing a suit jacket; the Dhaka heat and humidity too much to bear. Instead he wears a simple pair of beige linen pants and a burgundy golf shirt.

 She doesn't think he's armed. No holster on the hip or attached to the thighs and no discernible bulge at the back of his pants.

 “Do you remember me?” she asks Fahrad. “From a year ago? You and I stood on this very bridge. About fifty meters apart. You looked right at me.”

 He nods.

 “I'm not here to kill you,” her voice is low, barely above a whisper. “And I need you to listen very carefully to me, okay? This isn't about you. It was. But this is about him,” she casually nods over her shoulder in Jason's direction. “I know that you're working together. That you know each other. He told you that I sent him here? To find you?”

 Another nod.

 “I was going to come here and put a bullet in your brain,” she admits. “But then I realized that that changes nothing. It doesn't erase what happened. It would only put an even heavier weight on my heart. But I can't forgive you. Not yet. Maybe not ever.  Do you understand what I'm saying? At least blink if you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.”

 “I understand.”

 “I need you to help me. Can you do that? I promise you that you'll make it out of here. Nothing will happen to you. I just need you to play along with whatever I say or do. I have a gun in my bag...”

 Fahrad blinks; shifting nervously from foot to foot.

 “It isn't loaded, but he doesn't realize that. I need you trust me and just go with it. You do that and you walk out of here. If you don't and you try something funny, there is someone that won't be as merciful as I am. He will kill you. In a heartbeat. You cooperate, you live ? Got it?”

 “Yes,” he issues a huge sigh. Of relief? Bad nerves? She can't completely tell.

 “If I say the name Tyler Rake, do you know who that is?”  her voice is louder, so Jason can overhear them.

 “I do,” Fahrad confirms. “He's the one that got the kid. That embarrassed Asif.”

 “He's also the one that you shot. In the throat. And nearly killed. My name is Esme. Esme Rake. Tyler is my husband. Now do you know when I'm here?”

 “I think so.”

 “A year ago, you almost took everything away from me. I'd just met the love of my life. Totally and completely unexpected. You know the saying, love comes when you least expect it? That's what happened to me. And no sooner did I meet him, I almost lost him. I was here. Do you remember? After you shot him, you looked right at me. While I was down there on the sidewalk begging him to stay alive. Begging him to just hang on a little while longer. Telling him I loved him. He was dying. In my arms. And you stood there and you smirked at me. Do you remember that?”

 The tears threaten. The wound is so raw and so fresh. Stripping away that blanket of peace that she had been feeling just minutes before.   Those same feelings of horror and paralyzing fear returning; the way her body had seemed to switch to autopilot and act on its own accord while hysteria took over every other part of her. Up until that moment a year ago, she'd learned to harness those emotions. She'd learned long ago had to bottle them up and prevent them from over flowing. There was simply no room for fear when you were in the desert, fighting for your life, or when faced with dire consequences and decisions while on the job. There were times she'd felt sorry for someone; moved by families' stories and pleas for help, by the gratefulness show by those who were rescued. But she kept it pushed down deep inside.

 Where wounds linger and fester the longest.

 That day on the bridge, she'd been stripped down to a shell of herself. A once confident, fearless, and independent woman reduced to a pathetic, weak, and hysterical little girl.

 That was the almost hardest thing to accept. Tyler may not have died that day. But a huge part of her did.

 “I was holding him while he was dying,” she continues. “Have you ever seen something like that? Have you ever had to sit back and watch the person you love more than anything in the world struggling to stay alive? And you just looked at me. And smirked. Like you felt nothing. Is that what it was? You felt nothing ? Taking his life was some kind of badge of honour, wasn't it. His life was trophy. A way of impressing Asif.”

 Farhad nods.

 “Did you really feel nothing? When you looked at me, did you really not feel anything at all? Because you weren't just watching one person dying. You were watching two.”

 “I felt nothing,” he admits, and the calmness and the finality in his voice sends a chill down his voice.  “He deserved to die. For what he did. Humiliating Asif like that. Humiliating me.  He deserved to die. And he should have died.”

 “But he didn't, did he. He didn't die. Because you completely underestimated him. Two weeks before, he would have just let it happen. He wanted to die himself and was looking for a way for it to play out. But suddenly he had something to live for. A future he was looking forward to. And that's why he held on. That's why you failed. That's a bitter pill to swallow, isn't it? That you failed not once, but twice.”

 She can tell he's not sure how to react. He's trying to figure out if what she's saying is the truth or just part of the game they're playing. Truth be told, it's both. A way of allowing Jason to think there's nothing out of the ordinary, and a way of her bearing her soul. This kid is her confessional. Whether he realizes it or not.

 “You almost took everything away from me. And now it's time for me take everything away from you.”

****

  The gun is light in her hand; magazine long discarded. Yet part of her wishes that that one bullet still remained in the chamber.  The rage and the sadness so strong and consuming that she would have had no problem pulling the trigger.

 It is placed underneath Fahrad's chin; a kill shot that she'd learned from Nik.  One centimetre to the left and she was hitting the femoral artery and he'd be left to die an excruciating death as he bled out on the sidewalk. Straight up and back towards the throat, his demise would be instantaneous. Painless. Part of her said that that was too good for him. After everything he'd done...everything he had put them through...he deserved as much suffering as possible.  But the other part...the human and rational part...reminded her that this was just a kid. One that had grown up in poverty and subjected to neglect and inhumane living conditions.  And the need to impress Asif directly came from his upbringing. Or lack thereof.

 There's trust in his eyes. Trust that she probably didn't deserve. And for a brief moment she sees his own glitter of humanity. That if given the chance to thrive, would lead him to making better choices. To wanting more for himself.

 “Okay...that's enough...” Jason steps in now, and she's finally able to get a good look at him.  Determining that he is unarmed and will no doubt use the gun that she had on her to take his shot. That had been the plan; let him think he had the upper hand, and then totally turn the tables. “...there's no need for this...you said your piece...leave the kid alone...”

 'She's right,” Farhad speaks up. Fuelling the fire. “I do deserve it.  I feel nothing. I felt nothing when I shot him and I feel nothing, listening to her sad story. Are you going to cry, lady? Are you going to break down in tears over what I did? Because I would do it again in a heartbeat.”

 She presses the gun further into his chin. The truth of the words sting; he is probably telling the truth. He had felt nothing. And feels nothing at this very moment.

 “You shut your goddamn mouth,”  Jason orders, and then turns to Esme. Voice quiet, his smile comforting. “The kid isn't going to die today. Now give me the gun..”

 She puts up some light resistance, then reluctantly hands it over.  She remains calm. Stoned face. Yet deep within her chest, her heart hammers wildly.

 *****

 “You were right you know,” he says, as he paces back in forth in front of her.  “When you said that Tyler staying in a different place when you got here was a mistake. It would have made you a much easier target.  You would have been all alone in that house with no one to protect you. Do you really think the armed guards would have been able to do it? They couldn't even stop you from leaving the place this morning. You would have been a sitting duck. Which would have made things way too simple. Which isn't the way we like to do things.”

 “Who is 'we' Jason? I saw the pictures. The ones under your mattress in your hotel room.”

 “Why am I not surprised you went there. I had a feeling you would. I made sure that people saw Farhad and I together. I knew they wouldn't keep their mouths shut. “

 “I had nothing to do with this,” Farhad pipes up. “He gave me money. Said he needed me to meet with someone. To pretend like we were friends in the market. But I had nothing to do with this. What is wrong with you, man? She's a woman. Why would you do this?”

 He ignores the kid.  “I knew you would head there, Esme. You can take the girl out of the job, but not the job out of the clear. You're clever. Way more clever than you give yourself credit for. Old habits die hard and I knew once you thought something up, you wouldn't resist just jumping right back into the game.”

 “Just how much of this is your idea?” she inquires. “The threats to Ovi? The letters? The phone calls? The dead animals on his doorstep.”

 “There were other people for those jobs. There's a lot of us. Hiding in plain sight. Where you least expect it. My job was a little bit harder. Because I had to fool Nik first. It wasn't easy, you know. Getting one over on her. But my people  have people and they were able to make me look real good on paper. So good she couldn't resist. After that I just had to wait. Just sit back until news got to Tyler that Ovi was in trouble.  We all know the bond he has with that boy.  We knew he wouldn't be able to keep away.”

 “So why not take your shot? All the chances you had within the past two weeks to take him down. Why didn't you do it?”

 “Oh come on,” he chuckles. “You're a smart girl. You know how these games are played. We had to get inside his head first. We had to stir the pot, so to speak. Remember when you said that the bad guys would strike where they know would hurt him the most? Well that's you.  You're the one thing in this world that he loves. The person that came along and rescued him and gave him another chance.  So what better way to get to him then going through you?”

 “This is crazy,” Farhad frets.  “Don't do this. She's a woman. Just let her go. There's no reason to do this.”

 “Now I know what you're going to say,” Jason continues. “You're going to say that your little girl is the one thing that he loves most in this world. Even more than he loves you. But even we won't stoop that low. A baby is completely off limits. After all, what has she done to deserve something bad happening to her? It's not her fault who her father is.”

 “You're insane,” Esme informs him, stoic despite the anxiety and the nausea surging through her. “You'll never get away with this. Nik knows. She knows you're here and that I'm the one that asked you to come here. Anything happens to me, she will know it was you. And there will be nowhere you can hide. She will find you. And Tyler will find you. And you'll be praying it's Nik that finds you first.”

 “That's a bridge I'll cross when I get to it. Bridge? Get it.” he laughs. “How does it feel. Esme? To be here.  To be in the spot where your husband nearly died. Where he should have died.  How does it feel? Hurts like hell, doesn't it. Reliving it all.  It's kind of ironic that you'll be the one that ends up dying here, don't you think? Alone. With no one to comfort you like you did with him.”

 “I think you're fucking crazy,” she declares. “I think you're certifiably insane and that you're not thinking things through. You won't get away. There will be nowhere you can hide. He has found people bigger and better than you and they didn't live to tell about it. So how does that make you feel?”

 “See, that's what I like about you. How feisty you are. I can see why he fell in love with you. I definitely don't blame him for that. I think you're personally too good for him, but that's just my humble opinion.  Do you remember how you said that the bad guys would try and break him ? Make him vulnerable? That's when I knew you were smarter than you looked. That you aren't just a pretty face.  So tell me...” he calmly presses the barrel of the gun to her forehead. “...how does it feel to know that you're his weakness? That you're possibly the only person that effectively bring Tyler Rake down? Doesn't it give you some sense of power? Knowing how easy it is going to be to destroy him? There has to be some kind of perverse pleasure in that.”

 “You don't want to do this, Jason. This is the last thing you want to.  It won't end well for you. You know that.”

 “Maybe. But I’ll die knowing that I brought him down. What better revenge than taking away the one person that loves him the most? That saved him. Quite the love story if you ask me. Two broken people finding one another when they least expected it. Losing you will make him vulnerable. Which will make him weak. Which will make him an easy target. He won't be thinking right. Maybe he'll go back to the pills and the drinking again. That would be a nice touch. That would make killing him even easier. So again...tell me...” he places his finger on the trailer. “...are you ready to die for him?”

 “I don't know, Jason,” she smirks. “ Are you?”

  *****

 One shot. That's all it takes to bring him down. The nine millimetre round passing through the right side of his throat and passing through to the other side. Tyler doesn't hesitate pulling the trigger; he'll slip the magazine back into the Glock and return one to the chamber and tell Nik that it was a clean kill. That Jason had a gun to Esme's head and was going to kill her. It was a simple explanation. One that she would buy thanks to the cell phone in Esme's bag, recording the entire confrontation.   There's no adrenaline rush that comes with killing now.  He hasn't felt that in a long time; since way before the incident in Dhaka last year. Taking a life had become easy. Never blinking, never flinching. Just doing what he had to do to survive. Or help others survive.

 The shot hasn't killed him. Through and through's rarely do unless they hit an artery on the way out.  And he's writhing on the ground in agony when Tyler approaches, the soles of his boots passing over the layers of dirt and debris that line on the bridge.  He's bleeding out; death will be slow. Agonizing. And he hopes that kid is feeling even a fraction of what he'd felt. When he'd been dragging himself across the cement, attempting to staunch the flow of blood from his own throat, growing weaker by the moment,  choking on his blood.  Those seconds had felt like hours.

  Time passes at an excruciatingly slow pace when you're waiting to die.

 “You okay?” he asks his wife, as she leans back against the railing of the bridge. Jason's blood splattered across her face and over her clothing.

 She nods, eyes riveted on the suffering figure moaning in agony on the pavement in front of her.

 Tyler stands over him, placing a boot on his chest. “I told you not to fuck with me, didn't I. I told you not to go near my wife. But you couldn't resist, could you. You couldn't resist pissing me off.”

 The younger man attempts a response. But it's nothing but a gurgle. Rivers of bright red blood pouring from the sides of his mouth.

 Tyler chooses mercy over vengeance.  And puts another round between his eyes. It's then that he realizes Farhad is still there; eyes wide in shock at what had played out around him.  He isn’t so big and brave now. With none of his friends to back him, without the safety net of Asif and his hired thugs.  “Where the fuck do you think you're going?” he growls, and advances on him. “Do you remember me, you little shit? The one you shot in the fucking neck a year ago? Yeah, you remember me, don't you.”

 “I had nothing to do with this I swear,” the kid is visibly trembling. A far cry from the little hard ass wannabe that had ambushed him in the alley a year ago. Or when he'd pulled a bitch move and shot him from behind. “I wasn't going to hurt her. I was just here to talk. I...”

 Tyler places the barrel of his gun against Farhad's forehead.

Revenge is a fickle beast. One moment you are on the side of forgiveness, the next you're willing to take a life.   His eyes never leave the kid's'; watching the way the younger man violently trembles and tears fill his eyes.  A  satisfied smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth when he realizes that she's actually made the kid piss himself.  

 He holsters his gun. And pulling the knife from the pocket of his pants, uses it to slice through the zip ties binding Fahrad's wrists together. “Go,” he orders.  “Get the hell out of here. Before I change my mind.”

 “But you...I...”

 “I said go!” he barks, and the kid gives a startled blink and then turns on his heel.

 Tyler's never seen someone run that fast.

 “You sure you're okay?” he asks his wife, as he joins her on the sidewalk.  Using the front of his own t-shirt own clear the blood from her face and neck. “Probably stinks like hell,” he says in way of apology. “It's hot as fuck here today. But it's all I have so...”

 She gives a tiny smile of appreciation, her eyes locked on his as he tenderly cleans her face.  Such a juxtaposition; stone cold killer one minute, caring and doting husband the next.

 “We need to move,” he tells her. “The bridge will be opening back up soon. It's going to be crawling for cops. We'll find a place to lie low until Yaz comes for us. We...”

 Her lower lip begins to tremble, and she draws in a shaky breath as it all becomes too much. The memories of a year ago. The extent of the danger she'd not only put herself in, but also their unborn baby.  And she gives a choked sob as she drops her head to his chest, arms circling his waist.

 He holds her and lets her cry; body wracking sobs that he can feel to his very soul. All of the pain and the heartache of the past year flowing out of her all at once. The nightmare that she'd witnessed -and living with its consequences- finally coming to an end.  It's a relief; to have that weight off of your shoulders. He knows far too well what it's like to hold onto the pain and allow it to drag you down.  And he tangles his fingers in her hair and holds her head tightly to him, his other arm curling around her waist.  Feeling the tears soaking through his t-shirt and the way the shivering finally begins to subside.

 “It's okay now,” he says, and presses a kiss to her temple before backing away and taking her face in his hands.  “It's over. You can let it go now. You need to let it go.”

 “I want to go home,” she sniffles. “I just want to go home.”

 He knows it's impossible. That there's still people out there looking for them. That the troubles will never fully come to an end. But he can give her a home. In a new country. A new place.  

 He can give her a future.

 ****

 “So what now?” Yaz asks, a half an hour into their flight.  

 Tyler had been dozing off; leaning back against the wall of the helicopter, legs stretched out. He's exhausted. Emotionally. His brain tired from reliving the day he nearly lost his life. From the flood of memories that had come surging back with a vengeance.  From the stress and the rage and the worry that been eating him alive all day.  Esme is fast asleep beside him; curled up in a fetal position with her head resting on his thigh,  Yaz's jacket keeping her warm. He hasn't let her out of his sight since they left the bridge; keeping a protective hold on her, even now.  His hand on the top of her head, softly stroking her hair.

 “I have no idea,” he admits.

 “So no going back to Australia?”

 “That ship has sailed, mate. It's time to move on to bigger and better things.”

 “So this is it, yeah? Your last job?”

 “Suppose to be.”

 He's surprised that he's used those words.  It was only intended to be a one off.  His last mission. But he'd been surprised at how much he actually missed it. The surge of energy and power you get when going into a dangerous situation; relying on your skill and your wits to get yourself and others out alive.  He'd felt in complete control for the first time in a long time. Confident. As if the old Tyler was making a permanent reappearance instead of a temporary one.

 Maybe there was a way. Of safely balancing two vastly different lives. One in which he was a husband and a father. Another where he was a soldier for hire.

 “Do you think it's over?”” Yaz asks. “All this stuff with Ovi? What Jason did...”

 “He said there's more of them out there just like him. I doubt he was running the whole show himself.  That would have been too much ground to cover for one person.”

 “Kind of fucked up, huh? The extents he was willing go to get to you.”

 “Yeah...” Tyler agrees. “...just a little fucked up.”

 Esme stirs; mumbling in her sleep and rubbing her cheek against his thigh. And he runs his palm over her hair and down onto her hip, his hand moving in slow, comforting circles.  

 “I don't think it's over,” he says.  “This bullshit with Ovi. I still think there's someone out there  just waiting for their chance. I've made a lot of enemies over the years. It's foolish to think that they won't come after me.”

 “Not if they can't find you,” Yaz points out.

 “They'll find me. They always do.”

 “So what then? Do you spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder? Waiting for the other shoe to drop?”

 “No,” he says. “I spend it protecting my family.”

 No matter what it takes.

[campchitaquamemories]

What are your top 10 Queliot moments?

Nonny, thank you so much for waiting patiently for this one! 

I was just going to write out a list (after I got done being EXTREMELY stumped because- you expect me to just pick 10??! Rude.) but then I realized that I just hit 600 followers (what?!), and I wanted to do something a bit more to say thank you to all of you for putting up with me while I’m on my bullshit. So I went back through my favorite episodes and made some gifs for you, too! 

Here you go. Hope you like it!!

Gigi’s Top 10 Queliot Moments (YMMV):

10. This is from 1x03, Consequences of Advanced Spellcasting, and… it’s such a great breathing space. This whole episode, the Eliot + Quentin sideplot to retrieve the book was a delight, and it only happened because Eliot is so far gone on this boy. He could have taken literally any of the Physical Kids with him, but no, he’s got a crush on the super cute nerd that just moved in and so it HAS to be Q that comes with him. Eliot is highkey flirting with Quentin here, both as emotional support, and - I will maintain until my dying day - if Kady hadn’t blown the hinges off that door he was planning to make a move on Q that afternoon.

9. I have so many feelings???? This is from 2x01, Knight of Crowns. Things are complex interpersonally between the whole gang right now, but out of everyone parting ways with Eliot, Q is who we get to see saying goodbye. Eliot is actually high king now, and he’s not any less depressed, or damaged emotionally or mentally. It didn’t immediately fix him like he wanted (much like how magic didn’t immediately fix Quentin, but that’s a meta for another time), and now he’s staring down being all that and an unknown future ruling this frankly odd kingdom (from books he apparently never bothered to read? El, baby. SMH.) potentially for the rest of his life without his friends. The two of them are so tender, Q initially leaning against Eliot to provide support, and then he doesn’t hesitate even a moment when Eliot asks for a hug. What at that point could be the very last hug he ever gets from Quentin in this lifetime. There is such a depth of feeling here between the two of them and I’m so glad the show gave us this (in S2! I’m!).

8.  1x11, Remedial Battle Magic. Look at our babies and how happy they are?! I know they’re drunk on wine and emotions and about to seriously fuck their friendships up, but have they ever gotten a moment to breathe and be happy in each other’s presence since this? They haven’t. It’s been arguments and recriminations and quests and beasts and averting world-ending disasters since they woke up from this night. So I treasure this moment of soft smiles and touches (even Margo, I am not opposed to Marqueliot in this list at all). And of course, the threesome it is leading up to, and all of the implications and interpretations of that night that they take forward into the series with them.

7. “I’m trying to tell you, you are not alone here.” From 1x02, The Source of Magic, this bonding scene has always felt very profound to me. These two boys have literally known each other, what, less than a week now? And here is Eliot “feelings are for other people” Waugh, opening up about his past traumas to try and connect with Quentin. The only other person we’ve ever seen him do this with is Mike - Eliot’s other love interest - and we know he told Margo during their Trials. This is Q confessing his biggest fear - that if he loses magic, he will lose his tenuous hold on his mental health - and Eliot reciprocating that confession: inducting Q into the very, very select circle of Eliot’s confidantes. This is each of them accepting some measure of comfort from the presence and understanding of the other, and a moment that underpins their entire relationship from this moment forward.

6. I’m cheating with this one, but I wanted to show both sides of this dynamic, and Quentin and Eliot have not had a chance to fight for their relationship together in the main timeline yet, so these will have to work for now. The first gif is from 4x06, A Timeline and Place, and the second is from 3x13, Will You Play With Me? It’s so, so important to see these moments - even if our boys are dumb and they don’t start fighting until the very last second - when they are willing to lay down everything, and burn down the world for each other. Quentin will NOT let the Monster kill Eliot’s body, and Eliot will NOT let Quentin throw away his future to play jailer to a sociopathic child-god. When push comes to shove, they will choose each other every time. Now if we could only get them to do that when the stakes aren’t life and death, am I right?

5. Another moment from 2x01, Knight of Crowns. This coronation scene is just… Remember that they are fractured leading up to this: we’re coming right off of the fall out from the threesome, and Eliot has been spiraling for episodes now. But then we get this super tender declaration from Quentin: “So, destiny is– it’s bullshit…. For what it’s worth, I think you’re going to be a really good king.” And Eliot’s eyes just, light up, his whole face lifts. Because here is someone who believes in him, wholly and truly. Even after everything they just fucked up together, and separately, Q (someonee good and true) has faith in Eliot, and it’s infectious. They’re both looking at each other here like no one else exists in the world, like nothing is important in this moment except each other. And thats?? Beautiful?!

4. I fucking love this shot. Q kicking over those tiles and then saying “Oops.” is a whole-ass mood. Okay, so this is obviously from 3x05, A Life in the Day, and I could easily have made and entire top 10 list of JUST moments from this sequence because it’s all SO AMAZING. The beauty of all life, amiright? But this moment is so important to me. Making a conscious choice, every day to choose this quest and choose each other takes a toll. Ask anyone you know who’s been in a committed relationship for years. Sometimes it’s just fucking hard. They’ve been at this for so long that their clothes from Earth (which, I’ll remind you, they were still wearing at their 1 year anniversary) have worn thin, and they’re wearing traditional Fillorian garb. This was supposed to be over years ago, but they’re still going.  And Q is struggling. And Eliot is struggling. And they argue, but neither of them walks away. I always have to stop and pause at this part of the episode, because this is so domestic and realistic that it makes me cry. And if I start crying here, I’m useless for the rest of the sequence once we get to Arielle and Teddy.

3. 1x01, Unauthorized Magic. So, so many people have talked about Q and El’s first meeting, how Eliot spread himself out on the Brakebills sign elegantly and Quentin’s one bisexual braincell shorted out to the point where, for a moment, he couldn’t even words. But I so rarely see people talk about this moment, when Quentin asks Eliot if he’s hallucinating. This look, right here, is so soft, and sweet. I’m sure Eliot gets hit on all the time, and he was 100% flirting with Quentin when he jumped off that sign and gave him an “I could eat you up” once over. But this is the moment Eliot decided that Margo needed to know about the cute new boy who thought Eliot was exactly the kind of person he would dream into existence, if he made those kinds of decisions. Right here. The beginning of it all.

2. Back to 3x05, A Life in the Day, and if you’re surprised this is my #2 moment you must be new here. This is a kiss that has been brewing for a long time. One not rooted in emotion bottles, and not one that can be passed off as being too drunk to know what you’re doing. Quentin sets his cup down, and starts to say something, but ends up finishing his thought with this kiss. It’s short, but not tentative, and Eliot is… look at his face. He’s surprised, because he’s pretty sure they fucked up their chances at this a season and a half ago. But Q is there and he’s not apologizing and he’s not panicking, and that gives Eliot the courage to reach out and pull Q back in. And for a little while, it’s not about the quest, it’s not about defeating a monster, it’s not about fixing anything they’ve fucked up. This is just about them. 

1. “Fifty years. Who gets that kind of proof of concept? Peaches and plums, motherfucker. I’m alive in here!” 4x05, Escape from the Happy Place.So, this scene is where I live now, my trashcan, if you will, with these dumb boys and their dumb faces. Eliot’s absolutely perfect timing, and his delight to see Quentin is just- Just beaming out of his face here. This is the first of many chances he’s going to have to set the record straight, and he does it with style. This was a declaration of love - peaches and plums - and one that only Eliot would be able to give, and only Quentin would be able to understand. Q has been so beat down and defeated this episode, like he’s walking through a world that has faded into black and white, but we can see the moment he understands and the light comes back into his eyes. “Eliot’s alive. He’s alive.”

Honorable mentions to: “I’m Team Eliot.”, “Could I maybe have Eliot back?”, “I find you, and I don’t say magic is real, but I do seduce you”, and the extended throne room scene from 3x05/4x05 - which only didn’t make the list because I couldn’t pick a single shot to slice up for a gif.

[scripting-life]

FFVII: returning to my first love

 *peeks out of the corner of my lurking spot*

Hello? Anybody out there? It’s only been, oh you know, four-ish years since the last time I’ve posted anything here. I apologize in advance for anybody who’s still following me from my Castle days. If you couldn’t tell from my extended absence, I’ve mostly moved on. Castle and Beckett were fantastic characters that let me to play with some deep-dive analyses, and Castle will always hold a special place in my heart as my comfort show and my first real and extended experience with online fandom. I’ll always be grateful to the community I’ve had the joy of interacting with (or, the community with which I’ve had the joy of interacting, as Castle would correct me my dangling preposition).

I honestly didn’t think I would ever have reason to come back to Tumblr after Castle ended. But the FF7 Remake has returned me to my very first love--when I was young and innocent and before I knew anything about OTPs or ship wars. I’ve been back lurking for several months now and seeing all the fanart/fanfics and fun theories and analyses has reignited my enthusiasm for the FF7 franchise. It’s also fun coming back to this franchise with a more mature understanding of the themes/concepts that completely flew over my head as a young preteen.

(This ended up being super long, so the rest is below the cut to spare everyone the pain of scrolling. Apparently, my rambling tendencies have not changed at all. lol.)

When FF7R was officially announced (five freaking years ago!), I was filled with apprehension. FF7 was my first taste of a “grown-up” game. I was 11 and played my brother’s copy of the OG on PC in 1-2 hours spurts on the weekends when I visited his apartment. It took me months, if not years, to finish the game (I ended up stealing his copy to play on our computer at home...lol), and I was so blown away by it. I remember the exact moment I finished it and how I was literally shaking as I watched the ending FMV.

Later, when I found out my brother had a copy of FF8 (my poor brother was so accommodating to his annoying little sister...haha), I was so excited to play, in large part because I thought it would continue the story of FF7. Young, naive me didn’t understand the numbering conventions of Final Fantasy titles. I was madly theorizing and breaking my brain trying to find connections between the two games’ plots and had literally played through more than half the game before I finally realized the storyline of FF8 had absolutely nothing to do with FF7. I was sorely disappointed, and I think that has somewhat tainted my appreciation of future titles. Not to say I haven’t enjoyed the subsequent FF titles, but I think a little part of me is always comparing them to that first experience of wonder and awe that I had with FF7.

I discovered fanfiction in my teens and starting writing FF7/Cloti fics in college. Aside from interacting with a few fic writers at the time, I was not involved in any online communities, so I kept myself pretty free of any ship war drama and the like. When I did research for my fics, I’d sometimes see shipping sites and theories where I didn’t always understand the logic of how certain conclusions were reached, but frankly, I didn’t much care and didn’t realize that Clerith vs. Cloti was such a touchy subject. I was peripherally aware that some sort great LTD war was waging, of course, but it didn’t really touch me. I stayed in my Cloti shipping/fic-writing lane and was probably a lot happier for it. And, to be honest, based on FFN’s listings for FF7, I felt like I always saw a bunch of Sephiroth/Cloud fics and thought that was just as popular as the more conventional ships.

Graduating college and entering “real life” pretty much ended my FF7 fanfic-writing journey. In the intervening years between college and the release of FF7R, I haven’t gone back to the OG too much. I’ve played almost all the Final Fantasy games since then, and I always enjoy getting my FF7 crew fix when I play the non-canon mobile games or the Kingdom Hearts franchise. But FF7 was a happy part of my teenage years, and I was content to think on it with sweet nostalgia.

Remakes, in recent experience (*cough cough* Disney, why?), have been hit or miss, with a lot of misses. It’s hard to strike a good balance between catering to nostalgia and delivering a fresh product, never mind the change in social mores through the decades. I was so afraid FF7R would screw up my memories, especially since I wasn’t the biggest fan of Advent Children. The graphics were great and the action scenes were fun, but the story felt like a let-down. Cloud, in particular, felt so different (and yes, moody) from where we left him after the OG. I understand now that a lot of his character motivation was better explained in the On The Way to a Smile novels, but back then, I just felt like AC came out of nowhere. 

Btw, because I see this question a lot on other blogs when I’m lurking, I’ve ALWAYS thought that it was very clear in AC--even without reading anything else--that the reason for Cloud’s depression was due to guilt and not because he was pining for Aerith. The only reason I didn’t like his characterization in AC was because it felt like it came out of nowhere since AC is set 2 years after OG and by the end of the OG, he seemed to be in a pretty decent place mentally and emotionally. That being said, I can absolutely understand why some traumas resurface years after the originating incident and how times of peace might actually be worse because he is no longer solely focused on saving the world, but I was just surprised and a little bummed that this was the direction the devs chose to take AC at the time. Now that I’m older, I do better appreciate the complexities of Cloud’s mental state and the fact that they depicted a hero with lingering mental health issues is actually pretty awesome. I’m drawn to characters that have flaws--sometimes serious ones--but try their best anyway. Hence, why why Tifa Lockhart and Kate Beckett are some of my all-time favorites.

Anyhow, that didn’t stop me from pre-ordering FF7R, of course. I avoided reading any reviews as I didn’t want my first impressions to be swayed, and boy, was I happy that I went in mostly blind. That sense of awe really almost felt like playing the OG for the first time again, but somehow more. The combat system is incredibly fun and the world-building is nothing short of incredible. The variety and abundance of NPCs gives the game so much flavor and the locations have been rendered so well. As I’m going through areas like the Sector 7 train station and Wall Market and Aerith’s house, I can almost superimpose the layout from the OG in my head, but now it’s in 3D and so rich and full. It’s obvious that a lot of attention was paid to details, and I love all the head-nods and homages to the OG.

And oh, the characters!

This is the Cloud I’ve been wanting to see in glorious HD and the Cloud I remember from the original game: all awkward, dorky trying to be cool, socially inept, mentally unstable, abrasive-at-times, reluctant to act depending on who’s asking, wannabe hard-ass who’s actually a big softie inside Cloud. I remember reading an article a few years back about how the devs basically redid Cloud for the Remake because they wanted him to go back to his dorky roots--which ends up making him closest to his personality in the OG than his appearances in other franchises--and I was SOOOO incredibly happy to hear that. I was so sick of the way Cloud was constantly depicted as this cool, broody McBrood in his cameos when he was a pretty big dork in the OG. (Anybody remember him doing squats in the Highwind when Tifa says it’ll be lonely with just the two of them and Cloud responds that he’ll make enough noise to make up for it? Like I said: cute, but a dork.)

I WAS surprised by how comfortable and sweet and touchy (so very very touchy) the devs made him with Tifa from the beginning. That initial scene of Cloud being such a smooth operator giving Tifa the flower had my jaw-dropping and every single flirty interaction after that (and there are many) had my Cloti heart overflowing in shock and bliss. Throughout most of my years as a Cloti shipper, even though I believed Cloti was supported by canon and pretty clearly together, I was also under the impression--mistakenly or not--that Cloti was the minority ship. So for Square Enix to make it so blatantly obvious that Cloud is really into Tifa at such an early stage has been an unexpected gift.

Also, they’re just really hot together. (Clotiscrew tunnel--be still my heart!)

As for Tifa...oh, what wonderful character development we’ve already gotten for Tifa. Tifa has always been one of my all-time favorite characters ever since reading her character blurb in the OG game manual. Initially, as a child, it was because I saw so much of myself in her. She was outwardly bright and optimistic, but tended to hide all of her stronger feelings inside. She fought with her fists, and for someone who was a tomboy growing up who liked playing contact sports with the boys, I connected with her in a way that I had never been able to connect with other female protagonists who were primarily back-row specialists. (I also aspired to grow to her listed height of 5′4″, which alas, did not happen...lol).

I love how the Remake delves into more of Tifa’s moral conflict between the destruction that she causes as part of Avalanche and needing to do something to stop Shinra, and yes, even seeking revenge. They touched on this in the OG lightly, but the Remake really hammers it home. She’s perhaps the most conflicted character in terms of motivation in Part 1. That scene with the Shinra manager on the train is actually one of my favorite scenes of her because it highlights that tension. The elevator scene, if you opted for it instead of the stairs (or if you did one, saved, and reloaded to do the other one, like me), is also underrated in terms of how much it reveals about Tifa’s inner struggle.

On this point, I also appreciate that the Remake has the characters reflecting on the damage they’ve both indirectly and directly inflicted--the Avalanche team all do this to a certain degree. In particular, Jessie’s constant inability to figure out what she’d done wrong with the bomb to cause such a massive explosion and her remaining feelings of guilt during her death scene (”they were my victims” ouch!) were heart-breaking.

Aerith’s depiction was another pleasant surprise. I’ll be honest; I didn’t much like her in the OG. She was too pushy and willfully oblivious to the point of being mean at times. In the Remake, much of her sometimes too in-your-face playfulness was kept--perhaps still a little too much--but I appreciate the nuance that they gave her. The train graveyard scene tells the player that she didn’t have friends growing up, and I think that partially contributes to her lack of social tact at times. The other factor that gives her personality more nuance is the hint of special knowledge that affects how she interacts with the rest of the group. It gives her additional hidden motivation and adds to her mystery for new players while simultaneously pulling at the heartstrings for old players who get the impression that Aerith is somehow aware--to a certain, unknown extent--of her own fate. 

I also appreciate that Aerith is more grounded as a real person than as some sort of revered being. I do blame AC for some of that. When you have the power to cure a fatal disease from the afterlife and send the dead back to life, it gets into some godlike territory. Maybe it’s a fair depiction of her powers as a Cetra, but I just get the feeling that Aerith herself wouldn’t really appreciate being made into this goddess-like figure. Remember that her character blurb in the original game manual implied that she was more interested in earthly things (i.e. the love triangle) than in exploring her own powers. I personally think that Aerith used the “love triangle” in the OG as a form of escapism from the weight of her burdens rather than genuine interest, and I just think she’d want to be thought of as a person rather than as a god. One of my favorite scenes for Aerith is when she and Cloud are traversing the rooftops and she slips on the ladder, letting out a simple, “Shit.” It humanizes her in a way that combats some of the ways she’s sort of been deified in the last 23 years. Also, Aerith wielding a folding chair like it’s WWE never fails to make me laugh. Overall, she just comes off as a more reasonably flawed and--as a result, to me--a more likeable character in the Remake, and I do very much like her now.

Barret is pretty much the exact larger than life character I imagined in my head, only somehow even better, and I really love how expressive and emotional his eyes and facial expressions are. His scenes with Marlene are truly the cutest thing ever. Red XIII is a big, furry ball of sass, and I need so much more of him in the coming parts (Cosmo Canyon still wrecks me to this day). The interactions between the Wedge, Biggs, and Jessie are incredible, and they really feel like people who’ve been friends and basically each other’s family for years. The Turks and Rufus are pretty much as cool as I imagined them in the OG.

There’s still so much more I haven’t even started touching on about the Remake, and I think that’s why I’m finally posting this now. I just can’t contain my love for this game any more, and I really really need a place to express myself. I don’t know if anybody is still reading, but I appreciate having the opportunity to finally gush about this game and franchise that I’ve loved so much for pretty much two-thirds of my life.

[davidmann95]

Velvet's battle is a great choice, though I'll always have a special place in my heart for the fight against the Grimm Deathstalker and the Nevermore in Episode 8. That said, what do you think of the individual members of Team RWBY?

I decided to wait on this until I caught up on the series thus far, which I just finished doing the night before last in pretty much the only time in my life I’ve ever really properly binged anything other than comics, and…wow. I knew RWBY was a thing just as a matter of course from being on this site and Youtube, and from watching Death Battle, so I picked up some major beats by osmosis. But my main impression was that it was a charming pseudo-anime online thing of decent quality that unsurprisingly got heavier as it went along as such things tend to do, with extremely rad fights and music along the way; figured it’d be more than serviceable to watch while I was on the treadmill as a disposable distraction from the agony of propelling my wheezing, sweating, loathsome meat-scaffolding forward.

I did *not* expect it to eventually end up after growing pains a - while far from flawless - intensely engrossing story of all-consuming personal and generational pain and people who choose to love and do the right thing in defiance of that trauma and loss and hopelessness, where also occasionally a corgi gets fastball specialed at mechas. Though once it became clear that’s what it is, it pretty clearly sat at an intersection of a hell of a lot of my favorite things, especially when characters copped in-universe in both the main series and spinoff material that this is basically a superhero thing. My initial impressions re: the fights and music were on-point though.

I actually have quite a few thoughts on pretty much all the protagonists of note at this point (other than I suppose Oscar and Maria. Like them both though, and I do hope that nice boy’s brain somehow doesn’t dissolve into the blender of Ozpin’s subconscious), but I’ll just stick with the core four here as requested for now unless someone asks otherwise. Weiss is the simplest to get at the core of, I’d say: her arc is learning that fuck rich people, actually. She’s a seriously difficult character to get onboard for at first - especially if you’re watching those first episodes for the first time in 2019 - as the mean unconsciously racist rich girl who learns to be less mean and racist but still kinda mean. But after you’ve extensively seen the hideously toxic environment she grew up in, and fully understand her efforts to grow past the empty values it inculcated in her in favor of everything she was raised to think of herself as above, she becomes a hell of a figure to root for. Assuming RWBY is gonna go, say, a respectable 10 seasons given it was just renewed through 9, I could easily see the upcoming 7th be the climax of her arc with her return to Atlas and likely further reckoning with the consequences of her families’ actions beyond how they’ve hurt her personally.

Yang is also, in a certain abstract narrative sense, simple, in that she’s built around the very oldest trick in the book for characters whose main deal is ‘can punch better than absolutely anyone’: give them problems that cannot be solved by punching. Except in her case it’s less a material “well, this person is invulnerable to punching!” or “well, actually this other person can punch most best of all” issue blocking her path than “punching cannot solve depression, abandonment issues, questioning whether what she considers her purpose in life is one she’s truly pursuing for noble reasons or if she even has the resolve for it anymore after what’s happened to her, or PTSD”. Yet, while it may not be the kind that manifests in the form of punching people with a smirk and a bad pun anymore (much as she still definitely does that all the time) what ultimately drives her and defines her is still her strength: to move forward, to forgive, to let go, to do the right thing in spite of the risks. Which could easily come off as some unpleasant “you just have to get over your moping!” dismissal - there’s a bit with her dad that means it saddles riiiiight up to the edge of that - but there’s a weight to how her traumas remain a consistent factor in her life and have shaped her outlook even as her circumstances and day-to-day disposition improve that makes it feel thematically like it’s coming from a place of acknowledgment and endurance rather than denial, even if it’s not handled perfectly. Great to see her apparently recapturing some more of her joie de vivre based on the trailer for Volume 7, and how that’ll interact with how she’s grown should be interesting.

Blake is…tough, because you fundamentally cannot talk about Blake without getting into the Faunus, which is maybe the biggest aspect of RWBY that leaves it in the realm of Problematic Fave. It really, really wants to have something substantial to say about the proper response to racism, and every now and then it pumps out a “capitalism greases the wheels of systemic oppression and vice-versa” or “it’s perfectly reasonable for the oppressed to seek to fight back directly against their oppressors, and even the pacifist in the room can recognize that’s a defensible approach that deserves its place”. But then Abusive Boyfriend Magneto literally murders nuance in Vol. 5 episode 2, and it descends into some borderline “but what about black on black violence” respectability politics shit. It’s the classic X-Men setup - this persecuted race of often superpowered folks torn between pacifism and efforts to prove themselves to their oppressors, and those who think they should rise up and annihilate the flatscans - with most of the same pitfalls, but also we haven’t had over 50 years to get used to that just being how it works here, and it doesn’t have the excuse of having to expand as best it can on a metaphor that was originally devised before most of the people currently handling it were born. All of which would be rough enough, but given I watched this right as Jonathan Hickman’s been completely refining the entire X-Men paradigm outside that outdated binary, it especially grates. I’d love to be directed to any solid counterarguments - I’ve heard it might actually be an analogue, and a well-done one, for The Troubles, which I am one million percent unqualified to evaluate - especially since apparently one of the writers grew up in a mixed-race household, and at the end of the day I’m a white guy who may well be talking completely out his ass. But it sure comes off at a glance as some well-intentioned dudes stumbling through stuff that’s not their business, and that’s inextricable from Blake’s character when so much of her story is her navigating through that metaphor. Hopefully with new writers coming onboard this is something that can be navigated more insightfully in the future.

On a purely personal basis however, Blake’s a standout in terms of relatability when her story comes down to a pretty universal shared horror: how to climb back from having fucked up. She tried really hard to do the right thing, was taken advantage of and led into doing things she eventually realized were wrong, was so shaken that she couldn’t tell who to trust, and then the situation spiraled out of control on every possible front just as things finally seemed to be stabilizing. The way a single mistake - enabled and exacerbated by an abusive past relationship in her case - expands into a self-loathing far beyond the bounds of anything she could possibly be responsible for is brutal and completely understandable, and seeing her start put her self-esteem back together with the help of those closest to her and the power of her original convictions is arguably the single strongest, most clearly conveyed individual character arc in the series. I’m very curious where it goes from here: Adam’s finish represents a logical climax and the setup for a happily-ever-after with Yang (or Sun if they end up going that way after all) for her to coast through the remainder of the series on, but the way emotional consequences have played out in the series thus far I doubt her demons are going to be put to bed that simply.

Finally there’s Ruby, and I am contractually obligated to note up front: she is clearly not a Superman analogue. There is precisely zero percent chance that she was conceived as such or was ever deliberately executed in such a way that mirroring him was kept in mind. Though she IS a super-powered idealist raised in the middle of nowhere with a significant deceased parent who wears a red cape, flies, gives inspiring rallying speeches, has black-ish but primary color-tinted hair, and has a mysterious birthright that involves being able to shoot lasers from her eyes, plus she has a dog who also essentially has superpowers, plus she tells someone they’re stronger than they think they are, plus Yang basically quotes a bit from Kingdom Come regarding her in Rest and Resolutions. But it probably goes a ways in explaining why she works so well for me.

There’s more to it than that of course, though it does bring up the closest way in which she relates to the superhero paradigm: she doesn’t go through an arc in quite the same way as the others, instead being an already solidly-defined character who is simply illustrated by how she interacts with the people and situations around her. She learns and grows and matures, but her most basic motivations and goals and outlook haven’t really changed since the day she enrolled at Beacon. She’s a good, caring person, a leader archetype who still has more than enough personality to spare to keep from falling into the genericism that can often plague that role. A big part of the key I believe is that she’s the audience surrogate in a profound way beyond the obvious touchstones of her frequent awkwardness and self-doubt: the reason she does this is because she was inspired by stories. She’s a fan, ultimately, but one who learned all the right lessons, whether recognizing from day one the way reality falls short of the tales she was raised on but still believing in the ideals they represent, or openly holding up Qrow as a role model while being willing to call him on his shit when push comes to shove. It’s a romantic, hopeful perspective that stands out sharply from even our other heroes even as it mirrors their struggles, but as of yet there’s little to suggest it comes from a place of naivete so much as a belief that it’s the only way to bear the pain of the world and continue to believe in it. Bit by bit it’s clear she’s heading for a breaking point, but all signs point to that being a matter of her ability to withstand what she’s been through, rather than any doubt that it’s necessary, and should that time come she’s inspired plenty who’ll be able to help her back onto her feet the way she has for so many others. So while I understand her speeches apparently grate on some, as far as I’m concerned keep them coming, they’re the beating caring heart of the series and often the sole respite in the eye in the storm.

[mobius-prime]

211. Sonic the Hedgehog #143

The Original Freedom Fighters (Part 2)

Writer: Romy Chacon Pencils: Art Mawhinney Colors: J&A Ray

So it's time to find out just how the original Freedom Fighters were betrayed and lost. The guard at the Lake of Rings catches a ring and then lets Sonic and Hope watch the place for a bit while he delivers it to the castle, and Hope urges Sonic to continue his story, which he agrees to on the condition that afterward she'll let him go off to do his thing. One day when Sally was still young, Stripe was speaking with her and being kind when Peckers, who has the worst name by the way, burst in with some news.

That's right, they found out about the Zone of Silence years before the current Freedom Fighters did. They went into the palace on a mission to rescue the king, or at least to gather more information for a future rescue, but suddenly found themselves trapped within a room, with Scales leering at them from the outside and Robotnik stepping up beside him. Scales had apparently betrayed his teammates because he wanted power and also because it was "totally within his nature" as a snake, but true to form, Robotnik had some treachery of his own to enact, throwing a horrified Scales in with his fellows. Robotnik revealed to them that they were standing in his first room-sized roboticizer, before pulling the lever.

Oof. Uncle Chuck, still roboticized, saw the whole thing and had it recorded in his memory banks for posterity, but those in Knothole never found out what happened until years later when he regained his memory. All they knew was that their heroes had disappeared, and held funerals for them all befitting their status as heroes. The young Sonic was stunned and demoralized, as Stripe in particular had always been kind and encouraging to him, but ultimately the actions of the original Freedom Fighters were what inspired Sonic, Sally, and the others to form their own group and carry on the fight.

Now remember how I said this ties into something I've brought up before? I've talked many times about how the war against Robotnik has essentially been carried on the backs of literal child soldiers, but we've never really discussed why this came to be. Well, here it is. This is why. Remember that Robotnik's takeover came right on the heels of the Great War, with barely a few years at most separating the two wars. From Robotnik's perspective, he couldn't have picked a better time to stage a coup - the kingdom was weakened, and a lot of its best fighters had likely died or had to retire permanently due to injures from the previous war. Not to mention that a lot of people who could have helped in the current war were likely captured and roboticized in the initial fight before they had time to react - Robotnik would have known who posed the greatest threat to his rule and made sure the swatbots targeted them, and in addition, it's implied in the previous issue that Stripe was one of the only veterans who had the sense to run away rather than stand and fight. The original Freedom Fighters were basically all Knothole had left. And when they were lost, Knothole was vulnerable. Hope was in short supply. Hardly anyone had the ability or the mental fortitude to even try to carry on the fight.

And then this little band of orphaned kids rallied around the precocious princess, and took inspiration from those who had fought before them. These kids, most of whom were barely older than eight (and I'm not guessing at that number, it's literally confirmed later on in the comic that Sonic started striking back against Robotnik at the age of eight), banded together with the overconfidence of young children and put themselves in harm's way to save the planet. They grew up so surrounded by war that participating in it was second nature to them, and though each of them were hit with their own unique traumas from the things they'd seen and experienced, they kept up the fight, into their teens and into now. And like I've pointed out before, even now that many of the kingdom's adults are freed and willing to continue the fight for them, they refuse to give it up. Sure, Sally may be preoccupied with being active ruler right now, and maybe Rotor has retired from field duty to work on inventions back home, but everyone is still wholly invested in the fight despite their still-young ages. And that's both inspiring, and utterly tragic - especially considering that most of them aren't even self-aware enough to understand how awful throwing children into a war is. They just don't know anything different.

But anyway, as Sonic's story winds down, Hope thanks him and then rushes off, remembering her homework assignment for history and leaving an exasperated Sonic to guard the pool alone after all. The next day, she has her report all finished, and recites it in front of her class to much praise.

That is a great way to tie everything together, if you ask me. I'm sure it makes Mrs. Stripe and everyone else who personally knew the original Freedom Fighters happy to see the youth of today, even the youth of another species entirely, remember the sacrifice of those heroes.

Mobius 25 Years Later: Father's Day

Writer/Pencils: Ken Penders Colors: Jason Jensen

Are you ready, kids?! This is actually the best installment of this arc, period! It's relevant to the current conflict, it contains important character development, and a satisfying conclusion is reached by the end! I know, I know, I'm shocked as well. But my praise for this chapter is genuine, and you'll see why.

Lara-Su comes downstairs in the morning, wondering where her father is. It's hard to tell if this takes place shortly after her discussion with Knuckles last issue, or if this is the next day entirely or something, but either way, Julie-Su reminds her daughter of what day it is, which - well, I hardly have to tell you, it's right there in the title. It seems that on Father's Day every year, Knuckles visits the grave of Locke in the forest - it's been hinted at here and there that he's dead by the time of this arc, but this is our first clear confirmation of the fact. Knuckles drifts into memories, first of a conversation he'd had with Archimedes many years ago. They'd traveled to the crater in Downunda where Angel Island first lifted off after having spent several weeks together, and prepared to part ways, as Archimedes was planning to move here to Downunda permanently. Knuckles was somewhat baffled by his decision, having deep roots on Angel Island and being unable to relate to wanting to move somewhere else, but Archimedes pointed out that as Athair followed his own path, so must he, and so had Knuckles for that matter.

I think it makes complete sense for a slightly older Knuckles to have decided to end the Guardian tradition, given how much pain it has caused him over the years and how shady the whole operation could be. Archimedes said his goodbyes to Knuckles after telling him how proud he was of him, and Knuckles used his guiding star gem to head back home. Once there, he was shocked to find Lara-Le crying and distraught, and all she could manage to say was that something was wrong with Locke. Wynmacher called a cab and took them both up to the hospital in Echidnaopolis, where the doctors revealed to him that his father was getting weaker by the day and they couldn't figure out what was wrong. After some exploratory surgery, they determined that he'd developed pancreatic cancer and didn't have long left for the world, so a stunned Knuckles and Lara-Le were allowed to enter the room to speak to him once he'd woken up. From here, I'll let the next couple of pages do the talking for me.

I think this is literally the best thing Penders could have possibly written on this subject. I've pointed out how awful Locke has been many times, and one of my biggest criticisms of him was less about the character himself and more about how Penders handled writing him. Locke was based on Penders' own father, with whom he'd had a difficult relationship, and this colored his writing of Locke a bit for the worse. Locke was in many ways abusive, selfish, and distant from his son, and put Knuckles through hell for his own purposes. He was too shortsighted to see how this was affecting his son, and only when reality began to harshly and repeatedly bitchslap him in the face did he even begin to realize how badly he'd messed up. This has always been clear from the outside, but it's also obvious that Penders, naturally, wasn't keen on writing a character based on his own father as a bad guy, and the end result was Locke being portrayed in a bizarrely sympathetic light as he manipulated, spied on, and betrayed the trust of his son without any self-awareness at all. This scene is exactly what we needed in the light of all that - a scene where at the end of everything, Locke truly realized just what he'd done to the two people he loved most in the world, fully owned up and admitted to all his mistakes, and asked for forgiveness. He makes no excuses for his actions, instead laying it all bare and trusting them to judge him fairly on his own deathbed. I've said before that Locke would have been far more fascinating as a well-intentioned but too-extreme antagonist of the story, and ultimately this is exactly the kind of redemption scene I would have imagined for him at the end of said story. I may make fun of and even get angry with Penders from time to time, but I truly think that this is one of the prime examples of where his writing shines. He has great ideas, just often bad execution of said ideas. This is one time where he did it right.

Knuckles finishes reminiscing and comes back to himself in the present, standing in front of his father's grave, and begins to realize that in a way, he's been repeating the same mistakes that his father did with his own daughter. While Locke never gave him the choice not to become a Guardian, he's done the inverse with Lara-Su, never giving her the option of Guardianship at all. He decides that he's going to give her the choice after all, and thanks his father at the grave while Locke's ghost and Aurora watch proudly from the afterlife. And you know what? This is also a great scene! Because I 100% believe that Knuckles, after going through everything that he has, would want to end the tradition of Guardians and never put the island's fate on the shoulders of one person again. Let's face it, he's downright traumatized by some of the things he's seen and been through, and once he had a child of his own he'd want to protect them from going through any of the same things he did. And I fully believe that with that mindset, he could end up stumbling into the same "my way, no highway option" mindset that his own father had, just in reverse. He never realized just how his own hangups were affecting his daughter until he came here to meditate after all her pestering. And what makes this scene so great, ultimately, is that he learns from it. He doesn't continue down the manipulative, restrictive path that his father did, but rather opens up to the thought of listening to what his own daughter wants, and allowing her to make her own choices in life. This issue ends with a tribute to Penders' own father Kenneth, who lived from 1934 to 1982, and I find it a fitting end indeed. After all, for all my criticism, I can hardly condemn a person for wanting to pay loving tribute to their own parent. Good job, Penders - this issue's story was genuinely enjoyable, and I appreciate the work you put into it.

[arcadianambivalence]

Why Dark Phoenix is Deeper Than You Think

As an adaptation of a beloved (and complex and long) comic book saga, it takes many liberties.  It has to.  One of which is focusing just on the Dark Phoenix (which should be obvious to casuals and stans from the very title of the movie) and its relation to Jean.

But adaptation literally means to change to fit a new situation, so (like Jean Grey herself) the movie goes in its own direction, and this is where I personally think its strengths lie.  Dark Phoenix is an allegory for mental illness.

With the opening scene that shows the source of Jean’s trauma, the movie sets itself up as an examination of Jean’s mind.  Believing both of her parents died in an accident she feels responsible for, Jean tells Xavier that “you can’t fix me.”  “Jean,” he replies, “You are not broken.”

(It’s a conversation that, cliched as it is in media, has its roots in real life, unfortunately.  How many people have this conversation with their therapists and doctors?  With their families or with themselves?)

When Jean absorbs the brunt of the Phoenix Force through accident, and then purposefully pulls it away from her teammates in an act of sacrifice, she becomes unable to suppress her childhood trauma and the Phoenix Force.

At first, she goes through what could be classified as a manic or hypomanic episode.  She feels fine.  Great!  Better than ever!  She jumps from a hospital bad to Scott(’s…implied bed) to a party, where she quickly imbibes more than the normal amount, concerning Ororo.  Then the memories begin to flash back and, as explained, “All that desire…all that pain and rage…it’s all coming out at once.”

From the beginning, the X-Men series and adaptions have lended themselves to allegory, be it for Civil Rights with the comic book inception or LGBT+ rights as interpreted with the 2000s adaptations.  Dark Phoenix takes its place in this line of social commentary.

Another parallel to the way people with mental illness are treated in life is the way the other X-Men react to Jean after the Phoenix Force becomes apparent.  Some of them are afraid of her, which would sound hypocritical.  As mutants, they’ve faced undeserved fear and suspicion from the world, so why look at Jean the same way?  But it’s not her physical health that worries them.  It’s her mental health.

When Jean realizes that her father is still alive, she tracks him down with renewed hope that she can heal the wound of her trauma.  It quickly becomes apparent that her father wants nothing to do with her anymore, and Jean is hurt and angry.  

The X-Men arrive, ready to confront or help Jean, all the while talking over her  as she is in the grips of her entire world spinning out around her.  Mystique moves to touch her, despite Jean’s pleas to be given space, and the resulting reaction leads to Mystique’s accidental death (paralleling the death of Jean’s mother).  

Instead of healing Jean’s trauma, the meeting with her father and confrontation with the X-Men only deepens it.  So Jean leaves everyone behind and tracks down Magneto for help.  He found new purpose in life, and she can too.  But seeing the blood on Jean’s hands (well, shirt), Erik grows wary of her, and eventually sides against Jean.

Alone and full of remorse, Jean is at her lowest and most vulnerable state…cue the villain, Vuk.  

Like Magneto, she wants a home for her people.  Like Charles, she wants Jean to control her powers.  Like Jean herself, she desires control over the Phoenix Force.  But Vuk sees people as little more than furniture or clothing.  Cold and utterly removed from Jean’s agony, Vuk tries to convince Jean of a grandiose destiny, a meaning and an end to her experiences.  Believing there is nothing left for her in life as it is, Jean latches onto this idea.  

Ironically, Vuk is proven right.  Jean does become something far more powerful than anyone could imagine.  But it’s not through a repression of memory or control of emotion.  She gives the protective barrier that protected her from her childhood crash to the X-Men (and the train crashes in a similar twisting fashion to the car in the first scene).  She fights off the D’Bari with an energy not seen since her initial hours as Phoenix.  The pain of her past, the rage against Vuk, and the desire to save her X-Men family comes out at once and makes her powerful.

So when Vuk drops all pretext of being on Jean’s side and tries to take the Phoenix Force, noting that emotions make Jean weak, Jean very quickly overpowers Vuk.  “No,” she says, “My emotions make me strong.”  

And that is the moment Jean truly transforms.  

Only when she realizes that she is not broken and does not need Vuk to “fix” her mind does she let go and feel the entirety of the Phoenix Force.

In real life, we can’t go toe-to-toe with physical manifestations of mental illness.  There is no celestial force that resembles the neurons in the brain to help us come to terms with who we are or to reach our greatest potential.  Most of us don’t get a moment of clarity about life or our purpose in it.  We can’t go home to Xavier Jean Grey’s School for Gifted Youngsters.  We just go home.

But we do have the ability to let go and to change.  And, as the stigma against mental illness is slowly worn away as people become more open about their experiences, we can find people who share our experiences after all.  So, if Dark Phoenix means anything, it’s the need to heal and to accept who you are, “mutations” and mental illness included.

[centaurianthropology]

The Magnus Archives Season 3 Q&A – What We Learned!

So this isn’t my usual analysis, but I did decide to collate a little bullet-point list of all the things we’ve learned from the Season 3 Q&A for those of you who can’t/don’t want to listen for whatever reason, but still want the delicious information that we got.  I’ll also be including my own thoughts about some of the points, so there will be some tasty meta.  This will just be a bit more of an informational post than most are.

·         The metaplot is known through season 5 (which will be the final season), and is hashed out in more detail at the beginning of each season.  The individual spooky stories are not necessarily known prior to the week before writing.  There is usually a general idea, but no specific details until far closer to the deadline.

·         Martin’s crush on Jon was known from the beginning of the series.  No specifics were given about when and how it came about on Martin’s end.  I imagine we’ll probably get more into this as we go forward (I lean toward it developing while he was living in the Archives, as his attitude toward Jon definitely shifted from “I have to prove myself to my boss who doesn’t believe in me” to getting very emotional when he thought he left Jon and Tim to die in the tunnels). But it was known that the crush would or already had happened from the inception of Martin’s character.

·         Tim’s background was known 2 seasons prior to now (so end of season 1).  It only came about at that point because, prior to that, Tim was going to be the one to be replaced by the Not-Them at the end of season 1 rather than Sasha.  There had to be a last-minute change because Lottie (the woman who played Sasha) had a scheduling conflict that meant she couldn’t commit to the continued large-scale time commitment.  So Sasha got replaced, Tim got a backstory, and the rest is history.  Very interesting to think that the descent into bitterness and potentially even the ties to the circus were originally meant to be Sasha’s. Is that why she was so interested in the calliope in season 1 perhaps?  Having the only main female character also be the first to die was also one of the big reasons why they added a lot of major recurring female characters from then on.

·         Basira and Daisy becoming as significant as they were was a combination of the characters being interesting and the actors being fun to working with.  They also very much fulfilled certain necessary narrative roles.

·         They knew Melanie was going to become an assistant from shortly after Lydia’s recording of her initial episode.  I’m guessing this is partly to do with Lydia being already available, but I also have to imagine it was due to the instant, nasty rapport she had with Jon.  She was certainly the character from season 1 who I most wanted back when I initially heard her.

·         Jonny’s original pitch for the show was the 13 fears, though the Slaughter and the Hunt were initially the same, but as he worked through them he realized that the root fear was very different.  It became especially apparent due to the fact that extremely different (and likely very poorly cooperating) sorts of people were driven to each of those powers.  This is interesting, because it implies that Melanie and Daisy, though we have not seen them interact, would not get on at all. They’re driven by instincts that are too close but too different.  

·         Poor, poor Jonny is haunted by Elias’ surge in popularity during season 3, particularly the large contingent of fans who found him suddenly and definitely attractive.  He blames Ben Meredith for all his woes: “It was only after [episode] 92 when he started to be properly, overtly villainous, and everyone just decided how sexy he was!  When we were planning things out, there was no way for us to foresee how sexy Elias was going to be.  Something I blame entirely on Ben.”  And Alex cackled in the background.

·         Melanie’s clap-marker as her statement beginning was actually improvisation on Lydia’s part (and works wonderfully with her background in video production).  By and large, though, there was little improvisation from the actors. There was a lot of lean-in to certain qualities that actors brought out if they were particularly good at it.

·         Jonny’s favorite power to write is the Flesh because it’s super weird and lets him dig into really odd writing.  His least favorite is the Dark because it’s so easy to fall into tropes and clichés, and he doesn’t actually share that particular fear.  He also finds writing the Desolation particularly challenging, as it treads the closest to his biggest distaste in horror: linking spooky fictional stuff with real-life trauma.  The very nature of the Desolation lends itself to trauma-porn, so when writing it he has to be especially careful not to do that.  Alex’s least favorite from a production standpoint is the Spiral because it’s always a nightmare editing it, but the Vast is his favorite, because he adds high amplitude low frequency noise to induce an on-edge feeling in the listener.

·         Alex really enjoys killing all the characters you love.  Sasha’s replacement might have been his favorite moment in the show, because it was subtle enough a lot of people didn’t catch it.  He also seemed positively gleeful when joking about how very dead Tim is.  Of all the changes in personality from character to actor, Alex is always the one who gives me the most whiplash.  Which, I suppose, is a testament to his acting abilities.

·         Perhaps Jonny’s greatest regret is naming the main character after himself and not thinking that would become … complicated.  Apparently, in the earliest drafts he was just the host of the anthology series, and not a character in his own right, which is why he originally just went with his own name.  Then he didn’t think to change it as they made Jonanthan Sims his own character with only vague similarities to Jonny (he was basically all the bits of Jonny that would make a good horror protagonist, exaggerated for effect, right up until about episode 20, at which point the character began to develop along his own lines and moved farther and farther from Jonny), who would like to believe that his own personal decisions were less “overtly horrific” than his fictional counterpart.  Alex described Jonny vs Jon as “I’d like to think that you’re less of a hot garbage-fire of a person”.  They both agreed that Jon (the character) was the absolute king of terrible decisions, and that it was hysterical to listen to Jonny’s parents eviscerate Jon’s incredibly awful decisions.  I love Jonathan Sims, Head Asshole of the Magnus Institute, but I will agree with their assessment of his character.

·         A similar regret was naming the assistants after Jonny’s then-roommates.  Not only did it cause confusion (as all 3 have now also been in the show at some point), but he brutally killed off his fiancé’s namesake first.  Oops?

·         It sounds at least probable we’ll get the last bit of the Daedalus space station story in season 4.  On that note, I found it interesting that all recurring story themes, etc, are mentioned to recur in season 4.  There was absolutely no mention of season 5 at all.  Which makes me leery.

·         US distribution and ratings for podcasts are … interesting.  Jonny could add in all the violence, explicit gore, and even sex he wanted.  The only thing (literally the only thing) that gets a podcast marked *explicit* is swearing.  Which meant that the podcast, in order to not be marked as explicit, had to scale back the language and nothing else.  Every time a character swears, it has to be well-thought-out, and Jonny has to sell Alex on why it’s important.  On the up-side, the lack of swearing was apparently what convinced Sue Sims to be a part of the cast, so I think getting Gertrude is well worth adherence to a laughably odd rule for US ratings.  Also, on that same note, Alex’s imitation of Jonny’s mother nearly made me snort tea up my nose.  So thanks for that, Alex.

·         Jonny believes that what he writes is ‘escapist horror’.  It’s a way of indulging in fear and spookiness in a controlled, safe way, when it won’t suddenly turn deeply unpleasant and traumatic.  He believes that his audience needs to trust that they can enjoy the horror without worrying that it will unexpectedly cross lines. He separates that from literary horror, which often does dig into very traumatic issues through the mechanisms of horror in very thoughtful ways.  All horror, in his opinion, needs to be respectful when it tackles very traumatic subjects.  The reason that Jonny personally doesn’t write literary horror is that he has no personal experience with those sorts of traumas, and would not feel qualified to dig into them in a genuine and thoughtful way.  He therefore sticks to escapist horror that his audience knows they can enjoy without worrying about it suddenly veering from spooks to trauma.

·         The sound of the Anglerfish is a baby crying, slowed down 100x.  Nikola had record scratches layered under her voice very subtly.

·         Jonny’s favorite thing to record in season 3 was his [MUFFLED FEELINGS], and he revealed that he managed to sound like he had a gag in his mouth by trying to stuff as much of his fist into his mouth as possible before trying to deliver lines. Which produced a really amazing amount of saliva, apparently.  They also had a lot of fun trying to record one of the larger group scenes in which most of the participants shouted at one another, because they used up most of the oxygen in the studio and all got very dizzy.  Alex really enjoyed recording his scenes in episode 100, because it was one of the few times he got to improvise, and he and the actress spent the entire episode trying to make one another laugh.  

·         Also, all statements in episode 100 are confirmed to have been supernatural events, simply told badly.  The actors got a paragraph telling them what really happened, as well as some bullet points detailing how they might get side-tracked or otherwise be terrible statement givers.  The rest was slowly improvised, with frequent checks for canon-compliance.  And, yes, episode 100 was absolutely a funny way of answering the question: “Does the magic power also make them really eloquent storytellers?”  “YES. YES, IT DOES.”

·         Alex misses his old analogue mixer.  There was about 2 minutes of eulogizing.  

·         Tim is 100% dead.  They also specify that they will never resurrect characters or bring them back from the dead (which makes Jon’s current situation particularly worrisome, as he’s not quite dead, but he’s inches from it).  Dead characters may still make appearances via tape (Gertrude’s been dead the whole time, and it hasn’t stopped her from showing up plenty) or speak from beyond the grave (thanks Gerry), but if a character dies, they will not come back to life.  This also means that Michael will not be coming back as the Distortion.  The distortion is now Helen, and the story of the Distortion is about what and who she is.  Michael may return as audio, of course, but not in the form of the Distortion.  Likewise, Gertrude and Leitner in the season finale were not ghosts; they were mostly Nikola, with a little bit of Unknowing reality-bending-weird thrown in.

·         Georgie will be returning, but she will be an occasionally recurring character rather than a regular.  

·         The Usher Foundation is the American sister foundation to the Magnus Institute, which is similar to it but different.  It’s a way to broaden the world and give a nice hook for fanfiction/RPG settings/etc. The same can be said of the other institutions like the Chinese research institution.  It’s a way to expand the world and to give a sense of scope without a locked-down story.  There’s just too much story to fit into two more seasons as is.

·         There is a nexus of timeline discrepancies that is 100% part of the plot, but the rest of timeline issues are probably just mistakes.  Mary Kaey’s dates are almost definitely oversights in writing, but Jonny doesn’t discount that he might do something with the discrepancy to make it an interesting plot point in the future.

·         Gerry’s father is not confirmed to be Eric, the research assistant of Gertrude’s who took the statement in ‘Upon a Stair’, as Jonny refused to answer the question.  He did, however, state that whoever asked had been listening very closely.

·         Any character who believes they understand how the powers work is absolutely wrong. This does include Gerry’s interpretation of Robert Smirke’s cosmology, though Jonny did state that what Gerry said is about as close as we’re likely to get to the truth of the cosmology (no exposition dump is a lie, but it’s only a decent approximation).  However, the powers are going to defy any attempt to nail them down or perfectly sum them up.  Plenty of things will not line up with the way Gerry described them, because the powers work on nightmare logic, not normal logic.

·         The tapes are NOT neutral.  They are not simply objects to record.  There is more to them than that, but we don’t know what.

·         Jonny is a massive history nerd.  He got very into Wolfgang von Kempelin, and his imitation of von Kempelen’s speaking machine was hysterical.  His favorite episode to write was ‘Tale of a Field Hospital’ for similar history nerd reasons.

·         The first trailer for the series (with the chanting) was meant as a mood piece, but has absolutely nothing to do with the meta plot.  It was recorded before half of the meta plot was even established.

·         The Magnus Institute, beyond the Archival staff and Elias, is just a legitimate supernatural academic research institution.  The library does exactly what it says it does (house and catalogue valuable texts on the supernatural).  Artifact Storage really does just store and experiment on supernatural artifacts.  Research is mostly students working on dissertations and theses.  They are even confirmed to run on an academic fiscal year (thanks to whatever fiscal nerd asked that particular question!)

·         All the supernatural things encountered in the show are tied to the powers, but Jonny does not categorically deny that other supernatural stuff exists in the TMA universe. It very simply won’t be addressed in the show, as introducing other supernatural stuff beyond the powers wouldn’t work this late in the story.  The powers play with folklore, but they do not necessarily generate folklore themselves.

·         For purposes of the story, every power only has one ritual we need to be concerned about.

·         BIG ANSWER: no power has completed a ritual to date.  The rituals are now confirmed to so radically change the fabric of reality that there is no one on the planet who wouldn’t notice a successful ritual or be effected by it in a massive way.  We are not living in a world in which the Beholding has already succeeded, or any other power.  Jonny would not answer whether or not it was possible to reverse or somehow mitigate a successful ritual.  And that makes me very suspicious that the season finale of season 4 will be the successful completion of the Watcher’s Crown, and season 5 may be trying to reverse or mitigate it in some way.

·         Leitner is likely to return (one would imagine in one of Gertrude’s tapes).

·         Jonny and Alex have made the deliberate decision not to overly describe any of the major characters beyond their plot-relevant descriptors (Tim is described as attractive, but we will not get any details of that attractiveness).  Jonny doesn’t even have confirmed ages for most of the characters. He thinks Jon is his age (almost 30).  Martin is either a bit older or a bit younger than Jon.  Tim, Sasha, and Melanie are ‘young adults’, which Jonny defines as somewhere between 25 and early thirties.  Elias is middle-aged.  Gertrude and Leitner are old.  Trevor is “old as balls”.

·         Jon is 100% on the asexual spectrum, but may not use that term to describe himself.  He would instead avoid the question, and avoid thinking about it too deeply in general.  He would be very uncomfortable describing his own sexuality. Also, Jonny made it very clear that the way Jon grapples with his inhumanity is neither a parallel to nor a comment on his asexuality.  He approaches them very differently.  He didn’t specify this, but so far as I can tell, he avoids even thinking about his sexuality, but he actively agonizes over his increasing inhumanity.  I wonder if we might end up getting a bit more of how Jon thinks about his own asexuality if he and Martin ever get their shit together enough to discuss things.

·         The statements are 90% Intangible Horror colonizing Jon’s brain, and 10% Jon is a massive drama queen secretly.  They also agreed that, if he did amateur theatre as a younger man, he would have been insufferable.

·         Tim, prior to his revenge kick, was into lots of socialization, adventure vacations (rock climbing, kayaking, scuba, etc), and may have also been a bit of a console gamer.  “Lots of socializing; adventure holidays; dead.”

·         There are no specifics at this point on the characters’ families that haven’t been addressed that Jonny was comfortable discussing, as he wanted to hold those details in reserve for later relevance.  He doesn’t want to be beholden to random answers he might throw out right now.  He would say (potentially joking) that Martin has a spider (or a series of spiders) that live in his closet over the past year, and he calls it/them George.

·         The Admiral is a composite of all the cats in Jonny’s life, which all seem to have odd rank-names (Sir Pouncealot, Ambassador Cat, the Colonel).  The Admiral is a reflection of all Jonny’s favorite things about cats.

·         We are not going to be meeting any other plot-integral characters we haven’t already heard of.  There will be new voices, but they will be names we recognize.  There will be no new archival assistants.  They’ve played that card.

·         The characters with horror-writer last names (Martin, Tim, Sasha, Georgie, and Melanie) all have paranormal research backgrounds.  This is why that convention was used for them specifically.  Given that they were not certain of the direction they were going to take Basira and Daisy when they were first written, their last names did not follow this.

·         Jon cannot compel dogs.  Probably.

·         Why an owl is the crest of the Magnus Institute (officially): “Owls are weird.  They are considered very wise, but actually one of the stupidest animals in the world.  They have a very strong field of vision.  And, some species of owl, if you look in their ear you can see the side of their eyeball.”  

·         To serve ANY of the entity is to bring fear and suffering to others.  That is what your existence is twisted into.  

·         Alex is most frightened by the Vast.  Jonny is most frightened by the Corruption, but worries his lack of tidiness might tempt its attention.

·         My favorite question and answer: if they could fight any writer in hand-to-hand combat, who would it be?  They both agreed on HP Lovecraft, because “I could almost definitely take him, and it would be so satisfying.”  They both agreed that neither of them would feel bad for punching Lovecraft, which, even as someone who does a yearly reading of a lot of his works … yeah.  I’d agree.  He had amazing creativity and really laid out my favorite horror sub-genre (debatably Robert Chambers invented it, but Lovecraft properly expanded it into a genre), but there are few authors as in need of a proper walloping as HP Lovecraft. They agreed that others—for Jonny, DH Lawrence, for Alex, James Joyce—were also in need of some fighting, but had serious doubts whether or not they could beat them in hand-to-hand combat (“We’re not exactly prime physical specimens”).  Maybe just kicking them in the shins.  Jonny admitted to an embarrassing love of a lot of literary ‘classics’ people like to shit on, like “Ulysses” and “Moby Dick”.

And that was that!  This is the entirety of the MASSIVE Patreon Q&A.  Apparently the one that went up tonight on the website is a very pared-down version of this Q&A (website version is 43 minutes; Patreon version is 1 hour 48 minutes). Not sure which of these answers didn’t make the cut, but here you go!  All the delicious meta and answers you could want, fresh from the Patreon!

[sureroger]

hey hey guys !! it’s ava again with her second character who’s on the dl the opposite but also the same as her first ?? read on !!

jon bernthal + cis man + he/him + phobia-initiated ability manifestation.┊ ❛ ━ hey, is it just me or do you hear 1921 by the who playing in the distance ? oh, that’s just roger baron, a forty-one year old psychiatrist. according to my sources, i heard he can be neutral evil and is strategic, but also sadistic. that’s probably why they remind everyone of unserved justice, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” and scribbles - or maybe it’s handwriting! - so much ! anyway, whether or not they’re against the supers, crystalline city is keeping a close eye on them !

triggers: murder, gaslighting, (mental?) torture

backstory:

roger was born to a pair of supers who absolutely prayed he would develop powers of his own, as they were vehemently against the human race. they saw themselves as superior in every way, shape, and form and hoped to establish a new order someday in the future.

“in the future” being the phrase. at the time, they were consumed with roger and had little time to take over the world, you know?

however, that didn’t mean a little murder on the side was completely out of the question. his mother used her wiles to charm a judge into coming back home with her; when he got there, she and roger’s father killed the judge who’d put one of their friends in jail.

for a good reason.

what they weren’t counting on was roger seeing the whole ordeal. from his mother taking the judge to the bedroom to his father brutally massacring him. when they saw roger had been watching through a crack in the door the entire time, they realized they had to cover their tracks.

they insisted he never speak a word of it, told him to pretend he never heard or saw it. they weren’t well-known criminals yet, they’d managed to keep themselves under wraps, and he had the power to destroy that.

but their coaxing worked. it worked so well, he went mute. 

due to this, he had a rather friendless childhood. school counselors suggested to his parents that he go to therapy, as there was only so much they could do, but god knows they would never let that happen.

from the age of 8-14, he said maybe all of ten sentences. however, as his power began to develop, he began feeling a certain bond with his parents, horrible as they’d been to him, and started speaking to them regularly.

he’d learned of his power when a boy he was associated with in a minor way made a passing comment having to do with a fear of his. not yet able to control it, he made the other boy’s terror appear and was like... “sick! i’m not gonna be killed by my parents!”

by the age of 16, he’d learned how to control his powers and began speaking regularly again. other than his parents, he told no one who’d known him during his selective mute ‘phase’ why it came on and how he rid himself of it.

his parents were a bit tempted to ask him if he’d like to help them kill someone, but ultimately decided against it. what good parenting skills.

when he was 18, he was accepted into yale and earned an undergrad degree for psychology. he proceeded to attend grad school for psychiatry in specific. then he had to complete three years of residency, which he chose to do in chrystalline city. then he earned his license. then he got board certified. oh my god.

doing the math, boyfriend was DEDICATED.

when he was 29, he was fully equipped to become a psychiatrist. he had also fallen in love – so romantic! – and proposed a few months after finding work in order to begin providing a stable life.

she said yes!

i may send in a wc for her, but, for context, her tentative name is maggie!

the two of them had a child together, a little girl they named sawyer. they were really living the american dream. he had a stable and well-paying job. they had a child and a golden retriever. they probably had a picket fence, let’s be real.

but that all started to change when he came up with a certain method.

before spilling this method, we’ll preface by saying that he had read of a murder very similar to the murder his parents had committed when he was 8. really, he hadn’t thought much about his parents in years, but that jogged old memories and new feelings. his wife, his colleagues, his daughter – they all wound up changing the way he saw his parents. 

so he stopped by for a visit. it started out as a nice dinner, just the three of them. they said they wanted to meet his wife, he told them ‘later.’ they said they wanted to meet their grandchild, he told them ‘later.’ when they completed their meal, roger used his powers for the first time since he was a teenager. while they were distracted by visions of having to kill a young roger for having no powers, he did the best he could to replicate the way his father killed their victims without the power used.

leaving the power vague so it doesn’t seem like i’m claiming more than one ksksksks but apparently it’s gruesome y’all.

he slept peacefully.

and that night, his brain hatched an idea! he began using his powers on his clients whose disorders seemed to stem more from deep-seated fears than they did brain chemistry. it was exposure therapy, so he claimed, and they surprisingly didn’t report him for malpractice? 

up until they did. they never filed an official report, but word began spreading. a lot of it was seen as rumor, what given that he’d become a respectable name in the community, but it reached maggie...

maggie was the only person he would actually tell the truth to. suffice it to say, she was horrified. she threatened leaving him with sawyer if he continued this method.

he told her he’d quit... but he’d gotten such rave reviews from some of his clients...

it all went to hell when sawyer began fearing ‘the boogeyman.’ obviously roger didn’t know what the boogeyman looked like to her, and obviously both maggie and himself had tried the whole ‘checking under the bed’ charade first... but when it all fell through, roger used his power on his five-year-old daughter.

you know, she’s five, so it was more traumatic than it was ‘healing.’

that completely tore it. maggie left that night with her daughter after telling him off, saying he was sick and twisted, that it was the cruelest thing a parent could do to their child, etc.

well... most of it went right over roger’s head after she proclaimed he was ‘sick’... perhaps ‘powers’ actually stemmed from illness, hm?

after that experience, he came to the conclusion that the only way he could live a normal life – his wife and child back – was to rid himself of the power he’d once held so dear... furthermore, to rid the entire mutant race of their powers. everyone was sick.

he started performing experiments on himself, thinking to the root causes of being a ‘mutant’ – did it stem solely from genetics, or could it be developed through trauma? did he get them because both of his parents carried the gene? or did he get it because the power was so similar to the trauma they caused him? 

thus far, none of his experiments have been very successful. some have muted his powers, but, judging by patient reactions, they were still very much there. he also began taking any mutant who seemed even slightly open to the idea and experimenting on them, recognizing that all of their experiences – the age the powers developed, how the powers related to their lives, etc. – were completely different and trying to find a common thread that went beyond genetics.

the side effects were much worse than the results – again, none of which were completely effective. when he attempted to increase the amount of the serum he injected into himself that’d resulted in his powers being dulled down, it did nothing but send him to the hospital after a grand-mal seizure. 

still, he’s determined to find something. he’s determined to ‘cure’ the mutant race, to get his life back to the way it was, and he won’t stop until it’s all tied up in a nice bow.

personality:

the kind of person who would blame every single one of his faults on his parents.

to be fair, he did grow up under the reign of neutral – or true – evils and was heavily influenced by the way they acted around him. so guess who gradually developed into a neutral evil himself?

THIS GUYYYYY.

so so so so so so obsessed. the pressure of finding a cure is all he really thinks of nowadays. completely convinced there is one, he will not stop experimenting on himself and others.

speaking of which, there have been a few people he’s had to bump off after experimenting on them. due to the side effects, or due to something he did (e.g. project a fear of theirs), it wasn’t uncommon for volunteers to threaten telling the police that he was performing inhumane experiments on people without giving them proper disclosure.

he tries so very hard to not use his powers to aid him in it...

in the $ad boiz klub. 

i’m bad at personality sections!!

wanted connections:

ya girl got a little page up here! more will probs be added later on but!

ok !! like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !!

[owletstarlet]

9, 17 or 19 for tanunatsu??

(From this ask meme! Questions: 9. What was their worst fight about? Who apologized first and how? 17. How do they comfort one another? 19. What would they do if the other person was hurt?)

9: What was their worst fight about? Who apologized first and how?

I wanna say that their worst fight would’ve been rooted in mutual protectiveness of one another and some breaches of trust that were carried out with good intentions.

I think that A Dangerous Youkai Situation comes up, one which probably involves the Book of Friends (which we’ll say Tanuma doesn’t know about yet), but Natsume tells Tanuma enough about what’s going on and about whatever youkai he’s been helping out that he starts to worry, enough to be like, look, I know you care a lot and you can’t not care but this is not worth your life, so please please do not go to [insert Dangerous Place here] and do [insert Dangerous Thing here]. And naturally, Sensei weighs in that it really is in fact a dumbass move to [go to the place] and [do the thing] even if he himself is there, and Natsume winds up agreeing not to.

That is, until the situation suddenly changes. Most likely whatever ayakashi initially came to him for help comes back to tell him that whatever Big-Scary-Youkai-du-jour that’s causing the problem is going to imminently devour some uninvolved ayakashi and/or humans, and of course Natsume can’t not go and try to fix it after all. Buuuuut when he goes, he does not tell Tanuma.

Meanwhile, Tanuma (rightly) has a Bad Feeling about all this, and winds up following him. And not only does Natsume inevitably find out that Tanuma tagged along, but also that Tanuma’s been reading up on some things in Taki’s books. Whether whatever it is he tries is effective is another story–probably Natsume was in immediate danger so he chucked some homemade exorcist talisman in the vague direction of the youkai’s face that he can’t quite see, which probably just made it angrier.

Anyhow, they both make it out alive and relatively unscathed, due to a combination of luck and Sensei saving their hides, but it’s a long awkward walk home nonetheless. And the ensuing conversation is more or less “You promised me you wouldn’t go, you nearly got killed,” followed by “Well you were in just as much danger and you promised me that you wouldn’t mess around with the exorcism stuff, you know it’ll get you badly hurt if you don’t know what you’re doing,” “…yeah, well–” and it devolves from there, and they leave it off completely unresolved because they both feel hurt and angry and they suck at proper communication anyways. Afterwards there is at least one day’s worth of Awkwardly Avoiding One Another at school, much to the dismay of their friend group.

As to who apologizes first, I think Natsume does. And it’s not because Tanuma’s being stubborn; I mean of course he’s mad that Natsume apparently value himself enough to stop endangering himself at every opportunity (and that he lied about it). But more than that he’s just really deeply upset, and we know after that most recent chapter just how little self-esteem this boy has. So whether he thinks he’s at all justified in his anger he’s probably also thinking, welp, that’s it, I blew it, he doesn’t want me around anymore. And Natsume eventually realizes as much, so he goes to apologize, because he needs Tanuma to understand that he is worthy of not being lied to. And this, I think, is when he finally tells Tanuma about the Book of Friends (that is, if it doesn’t happen in canon first, which I am really really hoping it does.) And then, maybe not during his apology but sometime soon after, they discuss Tanuma learning (within reason) some defensive exorcism techniques. Natsume makes a rather reluctant call to Natori to orchestrate this, and Natori is only too delighted to help (I think he honestly stans the hell out this relationship and jumps at the opportunity to both help them and to be super embarrassing the entire time.) So Natsume’s like “…ugh” but Tanuma’s so happy to be able to learn it, and pragmatically speaking he’ll able to protect himself better anyhow, so Natsume’s reassured by that and probably learns some things himself as well.

17: How do they comfort one another?

For Natsume the greatest comfort is just having Tanuma there to listen. And this goes for anything at all that’s bothering him, I mean especially if it’s youkai stuff but also, y’know, past traumas, and even normal and very much human interpersonal problems or day-to-day stress. Because he never really had anybody that he could be fully honest with before Tanuma (and Taki as well, and like I said I’ll be sad if he doesn’t tell them about the Book in canon). And until relatively recently he certainly hasn’t had anybody in his life who would actually care to listen to him about anything. And he’s thanked Tanuma in canon for being willing to listen. I think Tanuma would be worried sometimes that he wouldn’t know the “right” thing to say in response, but Natsume’s not expecting him to magically fix his problems, and he’d feel a lot better when he sees that just being heard can lift so much of the burden off Natsume. So Tanuma will always gently try to coax him to talk about it when he’s upset, even if he doesn’t always want to talk, it helps a lot when he does. (@taizi did a lovely and heart-rending drabble about exactly this, I don’t have the tumblr link but it’s here on ao3.)

For Tanuma, I think something as simple as physical proximity would be the most comforting to him. Like, we know from canon that Tanuma’s biggest, constant source of anxiety is the prospect of Natsume running off to get himself killed by a youkai. So just having Natsume right there next to him would help so much, even if the thing he’s upset about has literally nothing to do with Natsume. This, for the record, is how Natsume discovers his own ability to give Very Nice Hugs. It takes Tanuma awhile to stop being shy about seeking said hugs out, but when he does there’s several instances of him just wordlessly walking up to Natsume and putting his head on his shoulder….

19: What would they do if the other person was hurt?

For either of them, it’d be a lot of sticking right by the other person and being hypervigilant to an exhausting degree, especially if they were together when it happened. And if that were the case, especially if it were youkai-related, you can bet your ass there’d be all kinds of Awesome Self-Blame going on, because this is both of their worst fear, really. From Natsume it’d be “This is my fault for getting you involved,” and from Tanuma it’d be “I’m basically useless at keeping you safe.” All amplified, of course, in the very likely scenario that the one who got hurt had been trying to protect the other. Unfortunately, that common trope of the why the hell would you do that, don’t ever do that again, you scared me so much argument has a lot of potential to not end so well for them, because they both have so much insecurity, low self-esteem and fear built up (and jesus, they’re both just so painfully young and this isn’t ever something they should have to face to begin with). And there’s also some objective truth to the you’d be safer if we weren’t together argument, regardless of which of them got hurt. Let’s hope a third party talks some emotional sense into them if this ever happens (possibly Taki, possibly Natori, hell even Nishimura or Kitamoto because they don’t even need to have been told the specifics of the youkai stuff to figure out more or less what’s happening).  

Anyhow, once the injured one is on the mend, the other would continue to hover very closely (and we now know from canon that Natsume in particular is really good at hovering if he thinks Tanuma’s in danger). That is, until Sensei’s finally had enough of watching it (“Relax, idiot, nothing’s going to happen to him with me watching. You might as well go take a nap, you look like you haven’t slept in five years.”) And if it’s Tanuma who was hurt, I’m sure after the last arc that Misuzu would happy volunteer to keep an eye on him, too. And Natsume would have Strongly Mixed Feelings about that, but Misuzu’s also huge and terrifying enough to keep any threats away, so he lets him do it. ( “If you even f*cking look at [this little human] I will stomp you to death with my hooves,” heh.) 

Also. There’s a lot of really good, really gentle Recovery Cuddles. A lot. 

Thanks much for the ask ;) 

[mst3kproject]

Trained to Kill USA

Looking at my catalogue of Episodes that Never Were, I realize I have been rather biased in my choice of genres.  It’s not something I did intentionally, I just happen to like monster and mad science movies, and such films are often my favourite episodes of MST3K, so naturally they’re the first thing I go to.  But the show never limited itself by genre, and though I’ve managed to dig up a couple of Eurospy and 50’s Rebellious Teens movies, there are several things notably lacking.  I have not yet tackled a proper western, for example, nor a biker crime spree picture.  Time to pick up the slack.

I therefore present Trained to Kill USA, which I ran across quite by accident while searching for a copy of She-Gods of Shark Reef that didn’t make me want to claw my own eyes out (I never found one).  It’s got Sid Haig from Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II in it and Richard Slattery from San Francisco International, and it’s a nihilistic revenge movie as depressing as The Sidehackers and featuring an incongruously cheerful opening theme song that makes me think of Girl in Gold Boots for some reason. I’m not sure why, but Trained to Kill USA particularly reminds me of the latter movie, maybe just in its general late-60’s-early-70’s aesthetic and Ted-V-Mikels-like incompetence.

We begin with a couple of thugs under the leadership of a man called Prophet, robbing a liquor store and then fleeing from the sheriff, to the accompaniment of a terrible song and some egregious pan-n-scan. They stop at a farm where they assault the owner, elderly Mark, break his stuff, and try to rape his daughter Mary, but then flee when the man’s son Ollie arrives.  Mark wants Ollie to come with him and chase the two down, but Ollie refuses.  Later, however, the gang decides to steal Mark’s gun collection so that they can rob a bank in town, and during this heist Mark shoots Prophet’s buddy Parrish.  Believing Ollie to have been the killer, Prophet vows revenge.

That’s quite a truncated summary – a great deal actually happens in between the first and second attacks on the ranch, and almost all of it feels irrelevant.  Prophet and his men commit crimes, and Ollie sits around and drinks and has flashbacks. I know these scenes are supposed to be establishing character and so forth, but they just come across as filling time before the final showdown.  A family in a camper van get killed.  Ollie’s army buddies beat up Prophet’s men at a gas station.  Prophet fights with his girlfriend.  None of it’s presented in a way that makes the audience want to care.

Like a number of other movies I’ve reviewed, Trained to Kill USA is not this film’s original title.  It was released as The No Mercy Man.  Multiple titles are a common feature of terrible movies, but what’s interesting here is how the change re-focuses the audiences attention.  The No Mercy Man referred to Prophet – his friend Parrish uses that descriptor for him, and it suggests that this is his story we’re watching.  Trained to Kill USA, on the other hand, is obviously a description of Ollie, which leads us to expect rather more of him than the movie initially offers.

The film is actually equally about both men and their inability to fit into society.  Ollie is too damaged by his experiences in war to ever lead a normal life, while Prophet exists in a world where black men are automatically assumed to be criminals and there is simply no other role he can fill.  I think we’re supposed to see them as a pair of tragic figures driven inevitably to a confrontation that destroys them both.  It’s a little hard to say, because the movie is really bad at driven inevitably.  When it tries to set up fate and forces beyond these characters’ control, all it manages are a set of coincidences.  If there’s supposed to be a feeling that this all means anything, the movie misses it by miles.

Even more damaging to what I assume are the film’s ambitions (I’m really not at all sure what this movie is actually trying to do) is the fact that neither of these guys are characters we can root for. Prophet complains that his intellect could have taken him places were it not for his appearance: he is a tall, intimidating black man, and so people treat him as a thug.  Yet Prophet is the very stereotype of that thug, gleefully and gratuitously violent and a rapist of white women.  In both the RV theft and the bank robbery his original plan is to commit a crime in which ‘nobody gets hurt’, but in both incidents he drops this idea the moment something starts to go wrong.  The movie tries to bring some depth to him in his apparently sincere affection for his girlfriend Sally (the moment when he leads her in a circle around the fairground is the only thing in the movie that feels like real emotion), but he turns on her in the end, too, blaming her for the loss of his job.

Then there’s Ollie – he is a steaming mess of PTSD and we feel sorry for him, but we do not like him.  Actor Steve Sandor behaves like a robot and rather creepily looks like one, too. There’s something about his skin that makes him look like plastic.  If he is to be a tragic figure we should really have some idea of who he was before the war hollowed him out, but we see him only as the damaged hero, surrounded by people who are making his trauma worse.  His father is an old grouch living vicariously through his son, and his friends brag about his accomplishments in a way that triggers him repeatedly while they don’t seem to give a shit.  The movie seems to want us to root for him to give in to the violence in order to protect his family, but that is exactly what Ollie himself does not want and, indeed, is the worst possible thing that could happen to his already fragile mental health.  We do not want Ollie to be a hero.  We want him to get away from all this and into an environment where he can heal.

I honestly think the writers were trying to do something with this movie.  They believed they were going to make an important statement about war and racism and how both are damaging to the psyche.  They were trying to give us a tragedy about two gifted individuals who could have been so much more than what the world forced them to be. All they managed, however, was Trained to Kill USA, and the movie sucks.

The photography was bad to begin with and the pan-n-scan did it no favours at all – many shots look bizarrely off-centre, as is evident in the screencaps.  The characters are as flat as a creationist’s earth.  Fight scenes are awful: I don’t remember a single punch that I believed hit anything.  People go leaping over fences ahead of explosions that are obviously nowhere near them.  The ‘Vietnam’ flashbacks are shot in front of some trees in someone’s back yard.  The dialogue is terrible: characters say things like ‘Ollie, you’re the most decorated man in the state!’ and that’s supposed to be subtle exposition.  The Oblivious Camping Family have ‘victims!’ written all over them, to the point where they seem to belong in the opening scene of some slasher movie more than they do in this.  And at the time the film was made it didn’t matter that everything in it was outrageously, garishly seventies, but in the hindsight of a more fashion-conscious age, It just makes it that much harder to take any of this seriously.

The harder this movie tries to build tension, the worse it fails.  There’s a scene in which the criminals confront the Sheriff outside the bank, and while we should be on the edges of our seats, waiting for the bullets to start flying, all we’re seeing is a bunch of guys standing around awkwardly, exchanging terrible dialogue that aims for ‘badass’ and falls on its face.  The bank robbery itself is a free for all of guns and bombs.  It’s hard to tell who’s on which side because we’ve never met half these guys before, and both the criminals and Ollie’s army buddies seem to take such joy in violence that it’s hard to care about what they’re fighting for. The most memorable bit in the scene is the stunt guy who does a perfect flip as he falls from a roof.

At the end, the criminals attack Ollie’s family and he is forced to relive all the things he most wishes to forget as he finally takes them on.  This fight scene almost becomes effective in its brutality and crudeness.  There’s no choreography or sense of justice, just Ollie and Prophet beating the shit out of each other for reasons that have almost nothing to do with either of them.  When Ollie wins, it’s not in any way a victory.  Under constant pressure to give in to the violence, Ollie has lost, and it’s impossible to tell what the movie wants us to feel about this.  The ridiculously cheesy final song, with lyrics like no-one understands you ‘cause you can’t be understood, seems to agree with my gut instinct that this is a disaster, but didn’t we just spend the whole movie waiting for Ollie to kick some ass?  Haven’t we been told over and over that he is the only one up to the challenge Prophet presents?

As the credits roll, we’re left in a similar place to where we were at the end of The Sidehackers – nobody won.  Ollie will continued to be a shattered man held together by alcohol.  Prophet, who was supposed to look redeemable, is now beyond redemption because he’s dead.  What happened to the girlfriend Prophet blamed for getting him into all this trouble, we’ll never know.  How Ollie’s family feel about what he’s now done we’ll also never know, which is particularly annoying because their opinion of him was so important earlier.  Shouldn’t they come to understand why they’ve been treating him badly?  If you try to take their stories at face value, Ollie and Prophet both deserved far better than this shitty fucking movie.

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

I feel like it definitely can be honestly. Like my gut feeling is that it probably is, just because of the timeline. Let’s say one of your friends described this situation to you: what would be your response? Personally I would reject the date and see how they react, but possibly remain friends. It seems like you really trust this person, so idk my initial reaction would be to keep my distance for a while until I was sure. I think another thing to consider might be how long you’ve known them? But even then idk it feels very Fast and that makes me worry a lil about what their intentions are bc you deserve to be happy, comfortable, and feel good about who you’re seeing, even if you’re just taking a break from dating. (Take my advice w a massive grain of salt bc I haven’t been on a date or asked out in 4 and a half years sooooo) TLDR: go with your gut instinct, if it feels like something isn’t right, it probably isn’t! I’m rooting for you!!

OH this happened like. years ago.

i just sorta recently came to the realization that it was meant as a date, looked back and found dms between me and my friends where i at the time realized there was romantic context most likely (but wanted it to just be a friend thing)

and like. apparently i had mentioned i had just opened up about some trauma to that person days before, and i had been open with them that i liked someone else on campus

my bad for not specifying!

i don't remember what happened after i cancelled (because i felt sick with nerves and didn't want it to be anything more than just a friend thing, i didn't like this person as anything more than a friend, they weren't my type really), but honestly he probably avoided me for a bit :/