#but that’s not true at all I just suffer from a lack of social skills and the resulting paralyzing social anxiety

[artificial-condition]

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[weemietime]

There isn't a whole lot of content on Tumblr about schizoid personality disorder so I thought I would make a little informational post. SZPD is a cluster A personality disorder, of the odd/eccentric cluster alongside schizotypal and paranoid. It is on the schizophrenia spectrum, and comprises the negative rather than positive symptoms of schizophrenia.

This primarily means we have avolition, catatonia, flat/blunted affect (demeanor), limited interoception (emotional sensations), lack of bonds to others including primary family members, and indifference to the opinions of others.

Whilst this isn't a diagnostic criteria, many of us are also asexual and aromantic, meaning we don't want to have sex with other humans (but usually do masturbate) and have no interest in romantic companionship.

My most disabling symptom is avolition, because I have comorbid ADHD. This means when I don't have my medication (dextromethorphan 120mg) I just sit there and zone out and can't even hold a conversation or move my body, nor even do things like feed myself. It is genuinely crippling and I am unemployed because of this, even though my meds help, they don't cure me and I need a lot of time alone.

Schizoid is something of an "anti-human" disorder, because we fail to form basic social bonds with others including primary caregivers. As a child I got diagnosed with inhibited RAD because I could not tolerate human contact. This differs from autism because autistic people generally want to socialize, they just lack the skills. I don't want to socialize and it takes tremendous effort for me to do so.

To even make this post I had to wait for my meds to click in as I was just sitting there mindlessly beforehand. While we have low internal sensations of emotions like caring, love, happiness, trust, sadness, etc. we aren't typically antisocial/dissocial and don't have a pattern of exploiting others or dishonesty. This requires too much effort.

There is a schizoid version of narcissism but it is separate to narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is characterized by a very fragile ego. You can't contradict or disagree with NPD because they are unable to regulate the emotions caused by conflict. Conversely, SZPD does not care about the opinions of others at all and places little value on them.

Our sense of superiority is legitimate, meaning we just do genuinely believe we are smarter than other people. So your mileage may vary on how insufferable you find that. I recognize this trait in myself and work to actively challenge it since it is illogical for me to think I am more special than anyone else. But, my ego is very stable, so criticism doesn't bother me the way it would in NPD.

Interoception means the sensations you feel inside your body. We lack this, so even stuff like hunger and tiredness don't impact us until we are very hungry or extremely exhausted. I don't have the feeling you would to look at a family member and get a sense of love or trust. I have a logical sense of obligation that I developed through choosing what I value based on reason. I describe this as care, and I place importance on my friendships, but there is no emotional component to this, it is all cognitive.

Tangentially: I'm somewhat of an optimistic nihilist, believing that there is no grand purpose to existence. Yes, even as a religious person. I don't think G-d ultimately has a purpose either, as an agent of the universe. (I don't believe G-d created the universe.) We have a human nervous system, so we base our rubric for morality on suffering and decide what is meaningful both collectively and individually.

I don't believe in true freedom of will (but I do believe we have agency), because we know that Bereitschaftspotential or reaction potentials occur in the brain up to two seconds before we become conscious of a volitional desire. Our consciousness occurs because of quantum synchronicity in the brain, so our free will is in a bit of an in-between state rather than fully determined or fully free.

So, we are not born deciding "I'm going to be an abuser," that happens because of brain abnormalities. It's no different than the forces of creation and destruction at work like a virus infecting a host cell. I don't place much importance on concepts of self-hood, I view myself as the electrical and chemical processes that occur in my brain, which happen without my choosing, that I can influence and impact through my own agency.

Anyway, these are just some basic schizoid meanderings for you all and I hope that this was informative or interesting in some way. Peace.

[ashuraphoenix]

J ANALYSIS I MADE OUT OF ILL-PLACED SPITE AND LOVE FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE FAILBOSS. ORIGINALLY NOT MEANT FOR TUMBLR BUT EDITED TO FIT WITH IT HERE I GO

First i'll talk about Episode 5, and how she acts there as a worker drone. Yes, she’s brash, and yes she’s rude - but there’s plenty of signs to show she has some level of compassion! For example, in the scene where Tessa picks up N and spins him around, many people would see this and assume J is jealous about him getting Tessa’s affection. But, if you actually look at her while she does this, J doesn’t seem the slightest bit disturbed or surprised. Hell, the most she does is just track Tessa’s movements with her head like she’s making sure she doesn’t trip and fall or accidentally chuck N through the window behind them.

I choose to believe J is not jealous of N being picked up, and that is because it’s simply not something she’d want from Tessa. The dynamic between Tessa and J is very different to the dynamic between Tessa and N - and of course it would be! N and J are two wildly different people, so it makes sense Tessa would show her affection in different ways for both! N(and also Cyn before she got all crazy I imagine)is like a younger sibling type figure to her, someone she can have fun with and who she’d try to be a role model to. J, on the other hand, is more along the lines of a close friend or romantic partner (can you tell I’m a a Jessa fan?), someone she can confide in when she feels overwhelmed or anxious. Note how in their first scene together, and Tessa’s first dialogue PERIOD might I add, is Tessa talking to J about how anxious she is over the Gala - stating her lack of social skills in regards to humans, and J is able to get her to relax without saying a word - just responding to her request to pretend to be a ‘ripping royal stud’ by just gesturing to herself and smiling at her. She’s already a stud, she don’t need to pretend! This gets Tessa to calm down and relax almost instantly, with her tone and body language relaxing as the two share a mock cheers together.

Now, moving on to J’s compassion for others, when Louisa states she plans to dump the broken drones in the library, J’s face shows clear signs of panic and worry for them - or, atleast V! And in the next scene, when Tessa asks her to ‘chuck us a hand’, she responds sadly and guiltily, citing ‘corporate’s orders’ as the only reason she isn’t helping her (note that her foot is chained here, too, implying that they had to restrain her so she wouldn’t go save N herself!), and call me crazy, but the way she says ‘corporate’s orders’ sound almost *resentful*, as if she’s upset over the fact her programming is getting in the way of helping her found family. When we cut back to J, we see her gnawing at Tessa’s chain with furious, rarely otherwise seen aggression to the thing. You could say that’s because Tessa was egging her on, but I like to think it’s more because of her vitriol towards the physical embodiment of Tessa’s imprisonment. Manor J would *not* be supportive or fond of Mr and Mrs. Elliot in any way, if not for how they treat her fellow drones, for how they abuse their own daughter.

Also, when Solver!V tries to attack Tessa and then N, she actively goes out of her way to save them both. Tessa is someone she’d obviously save, of course, but why N? Obviously, she’d have to care about him in SOME form - otherwise she’d just let him die! While it’s true she is kind of a dick to him in the major, I think that stems from her generally being stressed out over the fact that *all* of them could get killed if they mess up, and it leads to her lashing out when she doesn’t mean it. I also think she just…straight up doesn’t know how to talk to him. Girl is intimidated by the big ball of sunshine that is N, lmao.

As for her actions during her phase as a DD, I believe they stem from her suffering from several dozen mental breakdowns all at once. Let’s go down the list; Her best friend/crush is Dead, her younger sibling-figure (cyn) is possessed by the robot devil/IS the robot devil and is now wearing said best friend/crush's skin, she had a personal hand in the culling of humanity while having no choice in the matter, she’s in a body that is no longer her own, heavily weaponized and with an insatiable blood/oil-lust, now with no other choice but to kill her own kind. This all spirals and coalesces into the J we see today, arrogant, abusive, and deranged. In this regard, she is almost an exact parallel to V - as she was very much the same kind of asshole before she met Uzi and got her character development. Perhaps if J was the one to survive that fated day in the bunker, she would’ve been the one telling V to bite *her.* Just something I like to think about.

[alfredojesta]

jason is just a sad little victorian boy ...

i know it's christmas but i don't celebrate so i get to make the least jolliest comic!!! ^o^ i'm like the grinch but i make pastas suffer!

gonna talk about his family life below. heavy tw for abuse and physical assault (bullying)

okay so. jason was alive around... 1880-1920? smth like that. not sure on the details yet. this is gonna be a really rough post.

his father (charles meyer) was the AHEM man of the house. always in charge. controlling and humourless.

his mother (charlotte meyer) (no they're not cousins) was timid and mostly kept in the background.

jason is their only son for they could not make another </3

charlotte was erm. frightened by charles. sometimes, she would speak out against him. tell him to think about his actions—but he'd yell back, and they would get into a back and forth argument.

jason unfortunately witnessed these fights of theirs. he never once stepped in, but holy shit did these fights shape his little child brain.

while his family life sucked—so did his social life. kids at school picked on him for being him (he's autistic and struggled w talking to people). his only friend was the sweetest girl on the playground: amelia, but he feared her leaving him because he was "pathetic".

his father hated jason for getting bullied. charles perceived jason as weak, and to toughen him up, he'd regularly beat him up, basically.

if jason got terribly injured, he'd get hit just because he didn't stand up for himself. it wasn't rare for jason to come home with a bunch of bruises. piling on those bruises with the ones he got from his father, too. he hated looking at himself. he hated all the things people did to him. he wanted control of his own life, of his body, and the people around him.

but he wouldn't get it. not then.

while his father hurt him—his mother tried to help him. she'd bandage his wounds, n tell him that charles doesn't mean what he says and that both of them love jason very much.

jason wanted that to be true. he wanted his parents to love him. that's all he strived for in life. making them proud.

HOWEVER. jason is really into toymaking, which neither of his parents support, and he spends a lot of his time working on toy projects. both charles and charlotte have had discussions about this.

charles considers jason to be broken. at first, charlotte thinks charles is ridiculous for saying that about their only son. then, as jason starts showing more signs of his... lack of social skills—charlotte starts to think. there really IS something wrong with her son

(THERE'S NOTHING WRONG W HIM HE'S JUST AUTISTIC AND HIS SPECIAL INTEREST IS MAKING TOYS)

anyway this notion his parents set made jason think he's broken. and the only thing that matters in life is perfection.

happy holidays

[ilikekidsshows]

Funny how nowadays, when a media with female lead that come with buzzword like "girl power", "feminist", "girlboss", etc and it flop so hard, some people claimed it's because the people are sexist or racist (if the lead is poc) instead of, you know, think that maybe there's something wrong with the media that make it flop. Like how the recent Snow White live action flop for example. Weird weird.

---

The annoying thing is, I get where this attitude comes from. The show’s creator has been crying misogyny at his critics for years and it's easy to believe something you hear repeatedly is true. In addition, media that's labeled as socially aware due to it just starring minorities or actually discussing social themes is held to stricter standards both because the people viewing fandom as activism want their “activist media” to be perfect representation and also because the anti -woke crowd want an excuse to be bigoted towards something they see as “too woke”. However, an important aspect of this backlash is that it's more likely to happen to queer media than because the protagonist is a girl/woman. The typical reaction to female protagonists is to label their media as only for girls and, like, that's the attitude of this show's showrunners who only discuss their female demographic and seem to resent having to include a male lead to appeal to male viewers.

Also, like, I don't think people going: “hey, this show for preschoolers shouldn't have unchecked abuse apologia in it” is people grasping at straws to hate a show with a female lead. Especially when it's coming from people who used to staunchly defend said show before that abuse apologia. Even when the show admits their protagonist did something wrong, it's only because she's “keeping secrets”, and not the belittling of the abuse her boyfriend suffered, and that's all because the writers decided during the production of season 5 that their chief child abuser was an awesome character actually so the child abuse has to be waved away so that they might one day get to make that spin-off/flashback episode starring Gabriel they mentioned wanting to make.

It all actually comes down to these middle-aged men loving their middle-aged man OC so much they make their female lead babble nonsense about his good intentions to vindicate him, making her the mouthpiece for the show’s abuse apologia. But, the worst part about it all is that's it's not even out of character. Marinette is the number one character not taking the concerns of victims of abuse seriously, taking it on herself to try to “fix” these parent-child relationships and never accepting she's in the wrong to do so. I can't say the abuse apologia came out of nowhere, because it's been a part of the show since ‘The Bubbler', where Marinette insists parents can do no wrong because they love their children and then never changes her mind despite what abuse she witnesses for over 130 episodes. At this point, I think the showrunners aren't going to have her change her mind because they think she's correct.

Also, like, Miraculous isn't even a flop, the people whining about haters/"misogynists" ruining Miraculous' rep are making stuff up because Zag keeps greenlighting more seasons of this garbage. The fans defending Marinette are even willing to defend the abuse apologia and the target demographic of small children lack the experience and critical thinking skills to realize they're being presented with abuse apologia as the sympathetic perspective on child abuse. Unfortunately, a lot of the grown people watching this show just don't think gaslighting and abuse apologia are that big of a deal, don't even recognize when it's being shown to them, especially when the perpetrator is a female character who's really upsette about it. Miraculous is still a massively popular show, which is why I wish it wasn't feeding kids abuse apologia through their supposed role-model protagonist. Kids deserve better.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

DROP YOUR DX FOR VOX !!!!! Please and thank you.

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

(I've already posted some stuff here so I'm not going to repeat myself.)

Okay, so, Vox has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's crucial to distinguish this from "common narcissism" (people often described as "narcissists" by others just because they are egotist assholes; kinda ableist, you shouldn't do it because it's extremely stigmatizing towards people suffering with actual NPD) . While those individuals typically function well, those with NPD exhibit all the traits – grandiosity, egocentrism, attention-seeking, intense power fantasies – but as it's a disorder, these traits lead to inflexible and maladaptive patterns of behavior and cognition.

NPD has its roots in intense feelings of shame, low self-compassion, and self-loathing. In my interpretation, Vox has always felt inadequate. His father inherited an enormous amount of money, establishing a media conglomerate in the 20's. Vox's mother, captivated by the world of movies, used them to escape her reality as a trophy wife. Despite her dreams of becoming an actress, Vox's father, possessive and protective, prevented her entry into the entertainment industry. As a compromise, he made their son a child actor, with the condition that it would be temporary. When Vox grew older, he was expected to transition to learning business and other skills, ultimately to take over the family's empire.

So, Vox was never enough for either of his parents. His father thought of him as annoying and unserious due to his talkativeness and exaggerated behaviors, attributing it to growing up surrounded by actors. As for his mother... Vox turned out to be a terrible actor, struggling to convey emotions that weren't bombastic and over-the-top. Being a teenager is humiliating enough, but imagine being a teenager bad at something and forced to do it for a worldwide audience, when the whole production crew is annoyed with you. Fortunately, he grew up to be devilishly handsome (not to be a simp, I just believe someone must be handsome to endure the ethereal punishment of having their face swapped for a TV screen) and entertaining, leading them to make him a TV host and media personality.

Anyway, NPD is all about creating a perfect self and projecting it to the world when you're deeply ashamed of your true self. It means that, no matter what you're doing, you're constantly concerned about how it looks to other people. You constantly play an exhausting game, trying to win gold stars of social admiration for every-fucking-thing, guided by superficial ideals of wealth, perfection, beauty, and, above all, power. One reason Alastor's existence bothers Vox so much is the fact that he cannot comprehend the idea of someone choosing radio over his "objectively better and correct" medium. Vox lacks the ability to understand nuanced sentiments, which ironically makes him thrive in Hell. In this anarchocapitalist, lawless society, survival of the fittest prevails, and this is a game he excels at playing.

Generally, the best approach for individuals with NPD is to pull them out of delusional thinking by confronting their beliefs about the world and themselves with reality (it should be performed by qualified therapist, especially when someone hasn't completed any kind of therapeutic process yet). However, in Hell, Vox's behavior was no longer in violation of social norms; on the contrary, it was highly rewarded. Consequently, he completely lost his shit, became unhinged, and began acting on all his previously suppressed urges. He finally fulfilled all narcissistic power fantasies and became (almost) untouchable. Now, he's ready to kill anyone who questions him, seeing it as threatening to his fragile image of the perfect self.

He exhibits strong bipolar tendencies. Most of the time, he's power-tripping in a semi-maniacal state. Periodically, he undergoes deep, depressive episodes, locking himself up in his apartment and avoiding interaction.

Constantly guarding this fragile image of the perfect self that he built is exhausting. The bigger this image gets, the more fragile it becomes, like a house of cards. And guarding it becomes more and more exhausting. But there's nothing scarier than the idea of the facade falling apart and people seeing him as he is: imperfect and vulnerable, damaged and ashamed, rotten and evil. Deep down, he knows he's unlovable, and it hurts. He knows that true love exists; he craves this ultimate form of admiration and devotion, but it requires vulnerability and honesty, which he's not capable of. He's only vulnerable with Valentino, and only occasionally when he's intoxicated or when Val fucks every last thought out of his body. He's very much a controlling top insecure about his masculinity, so the latter happens rarely.

Also, drugs. Oh, do this man enjoy some coke. Other drugs and booze, not so much; they make him feel less in control. But getting coked up, going out, causing a scene, killing some poor souls, and relishing this feeling of being completely untouchable? Feels so good.

When it comes to Alastor, he hates him because he's jealous. Despite all his efforts—building a perfect persona, a perfect company, perfect entertainment—this stinky, outdated, and boring radio demon gets so much attention and admiration that should be his. Moreover, he feels that Alastor can see right through his bullshit. He's so paranoid about it that he's almost certain Alastor knows about his childhood traumas, about his death, about all his truths, and could one day broadcast it for all people of Hell to hear. So, he needs him dead.

Note: these headcanons (especially Vox's past) are very important part of my fanfiction. Please feel free to use them in your fics but I'll appreciate if you tag me 🩷

Velvette hc | Valentino hc | Vees + Angel hc | VoxVal hc

[physalian]

Character Types: The Coward

Specifically, the cowardly protagonist, because this character is so tricky to make compelling and not insufferable.

Cowards, much like schemers, tend to be the antithesis of a brave, selfless hero. They look out for themselves first, and if anyone else benefits, it’s a happy accident. Unlike schemers, they’re missing an inflated ego. They lack the drive and confidence to connive and claw for power.

Which tends to make cowards extremely unlikable, because not only are they unheroic, they’re useless. Plenty of characters get called cowards when they’re not, they’re just being sensible, and plenty more wear that badge proudly.

So how do you make one that isn’t a burden on the story and endlessly frustrating to the audience?

Well, I wrote one, and so far haven’t had any complaints.

Elias is my protagonist in Eternal Night, and he is a coward, and he knows it. He’s quiet, a bit of a cynic, a proud introvert, and a nerd. He also lives in a hyper-survivalist society that doesn’t waste any time on superfluous things like mourning their dead or facing their emotions because if they did they’d all steep into a depression rot and never escape.

The survival rate of hunting parties outside their cave is pretty low and Elias already lost his only brother to an accident, and has absolutely no desire to leave the cave. He’s got a perfect job as the Keeper—bookkeeping, inventory, and historical record.

He has a valid reason to be selfish: Being brave just gets you killed.

Elias is not a “chosen one”. He’s just extremely unlucky and cannot catch a break, dragged around by different vampires and clashing covens, none of whom really like him all that much, but for plot reasons he’s important to their plans.

The only character who cares about him is a Fixer and my Fixer absolutely suffers for sticking his neck out for Elias.

There is no “the power was inside you all along” moment, no “you’re the one true king to unite all the vampire covens” moment. Elias’s whole plot journey is to do whatever it takes to survive to the next morning and maybe also woo a boyfriend cause eyyyyy.

His whole story journey, which is different than the plot, is learning how fucked his clan’s survivalist nature made him. He’s missing so many social skills, so many milestones in life, so many experiences that are just a given to everyone he meets.

To somebody who’s never seen the stars or even clouds before, dumping him into a castle of 200 strangers and asking him to make friends is a tall order. Dumping him into a den of what he’s been raised to think of as monsters and stockholm-syndromed blood slaves and asking him to make friends is damn near impossible.

Elias is self-serving, and self-sabotaging in nearly every way. He’s wrong, about most everything he says, and doesn’t get away with it.

Elias’s refusal to make nice and let old grudges fade makes him extremely disliked by everyone in his new home, except for one person. So when the time comes for Drama and Plot, they do not give a single shit about protecting him, because he didn’t give a shit about protecting them.

“I just want to be normal” heroes are annoying, unless the task they’re chosen for is hell. Everybody wants to be a wizard at Hogwarts. But nobody’s signing up to volunteer for the Hunger Games.

Elias’s “fuck this I want to go home” selfishness does have merit. He doesn’t want to be food. But everywhere he turns, characters are proving him wrong about how it’s not “just being food,” how their society benefits everyone in the harsh environment they live in, how they’re doing the best they can with what they have and it’s not perfect but it’s better than the alternative.

He fights it at every turn. It’s not just “wah I hate vampires because they’re icky” it’s “I’ve been raised to hate vampires, and you ripped me from my home and everything I ever knew and they might all be dead now. If I start sleeping with the enemy and forgive and forget, then who am I?”

Elias might be a coward, but he’s not lazy, and he’s not stupid. He doesn’t throw a tantrum and refuse to accept the alternatives to being food. He works hard for his place (once he gets over his weaponized incompetence), works hard to try and save himself by learning more about his world and geography and all his possible escape routes, and when his survivalist upbringing of “do or die” comes in, Elias doesn’t freeze when he’s cornered, he comes alive.

So he’s still very much a “coward” in that he primarily only wants to save himself (and the one other character he cares about), but he’s not a couch potato, not a damsel in distress who can’t lift a finger to break the locks on his own cage, and the plans he does come up with to stay alive actually work.

I don’t expect Elias to be anyone’s favorite character, he wasn’t designed that way. He’s a walking tragedy constantly in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets caught in the middle of a fight he never asked for over and over again.

—

I also don’t see a ton of protagonists like him, so if you’re going to write one, or even a cowardly side character who audiences aren’t supposed to hate, I’ll synthesize the above points here:

Give them a valid reason for why they’re selfish, some reason that might have anyone else in their situation probably making the same choices

Make it clear that they are wrong, and that their own cowardice is their largest hurdle, and that either the plot or other characters don’t let them get away with it

Give them positive traits to balance out the cowardice. Maybe they’re kind, or they’re funny or they’re clever, but audiences do need something to root for

Give them agency. They can’t sit around like a bump on a log being a burden to the plot and the other characters. Even if they’re only in it to save themselves, they still have to work to accomplish that

Bonus option: Give them somebody else to shed their cowardice for, especially if they pick the absolute worst moment possible to suddenly become a hero

—

If you’re interested in Elias’s story, the first book in the planned trilogy is out now: Eternal Night of the Northern Sky

[stromuprisahat]

I love your takes on the grishaverse so I was wondering what you thoughts was on the theory/headcanon that Alina didn’t really lose her powers but unknowingly locked them as she did before the books’ beginning? Maybe there was a period where she couldn’t summon light bcs she was too exhausted and stressed out by the whole ‘final battle’ thing – banishing thee Fold, Mal’s ‘death’, Darkling’s death – so she assumed she had lost it. And then it was easier to unknowingly continue like that bcs it allowed her to remove herself from ruling and making any decisions and just have her simple co-depended life with Mal as she always wanted.

Personally, I don’t think that’s what happened in canon (certainly not what Bardugo meant) but I find it feasible as fanon interpretation, considering how depressed and deluded Alina appears post-RAR.

I'm more leaning into the explanation, that she intentionally, yet subconsciously rid herself of them (and maybe revived Malyen, when we're at it, since the second life bullshit is just that- bullshit that doesn't make sense, since no other amplifier's running around the same way. But then again- I'm very skeptical, when it comes to Malyen actually being one- he has no properties others do.).

Alina recognizes that as long as she's Grisha, she won't be able to be only with Malyen, and she already admitted she's trying to mould herself into whatever he seems to want from her.

Merzost doesn't seem to be random- it's driven by intention. Ilya "upgraded" mythical animals to have certain properties, Aleksander fucked up first, but then managed to find a way to actively protect his people, when in situation his powers weren't enough. Alina lost what made her special, but since her goal wasn't finished yet, other Sun Summoners sprang into existence and fucked up destruction of the Fold, because it's merzost-made, therefore logic tells us ordinary Small Science shouldn't be enough to vanquish it.

It's true the previous time Alina worked with merzost, her powers "disappeared" for a while, but the "magic" also isn't working from nothing. No matter what we're told, there is a cost, some input. It's not "pure creation". We can see it, when Sasha makes nichevo'ya- he's using his own essence, his life force or whatever want you to call it, to draw them into existence, so Alina would need ~something~ to distribute her powers among others, and the amplifiers are just that- they amplify, wider one's range, not give a new ability.

Besides- there's the question of what grandpa Ilya wanted. If he aimed at Grisha being accepted, instead of othered, why would he take away from one the give to more. It might look pragmatic, but the range is too limited and even if he created such "tools" over and over- he'd only make a new caste of "once-Grisha", instead of levelling the playing field.

One of my fellow fans also pointed out that if merzost is magic, perhaps Alina used it to become an ordinary otkazat'sya. I don't believe so. She might've made herself to appear as one, but after all those books spent reading how is being Grisha integral part of their being, something that makes them themselves... looking at post R&R Chapter 17 Alina isn't looking at slightly more traumatized Alina that can't summon the Light because it's not a part of her. It's looking at a husk of the girl, just like the ends of previous books, when she was suffering due to missing her powers on physical level.

And her lack of skill, when using merzost previous time would support it. She locked away her powers and her hair went white the first time. She got rid of her Light, but her body "remembers" it's missing something.

edit: Also- thank you for (positive) feedback, I'm not being rude, I'm just an social idiot with totally not ADHD, so I get focused on "the point", and forget the social stuff like greeting and replying to nice words, which ARE very motivating for me, but HERE'S THE STUFF I'm thinking about and my brain's coming up with coherent answers- LOOK!

[annabtg]

Anna, you’re so right(i love you). It’s so annoying that all these woke yaoi-shipping sjws have taken over the fandom. You cannot put characters like James and Sev through modern lenses(“Snape was a child abuser” teachers were allowed to hit students with rulers at 90s british schools but being a little mean to a troublemaker makes you satan🙄) and understand them fully. You also cannot make James Potter into a bisexual adhd-having MOC and keep true to his character(everything about him relays on him being very privileged in society)

Love, an old man.

I don't know how you can read this post and conclude that my problem is "woke, yaoi-shipping sjws"? My problem is, like I said, the complete lack of reading comprehension skills, of creative and analytical thought and of the ability to empathize with the characters.

Indeed, modern social media seems to favour performative activism, but that's not what fanfic suffers from. I've engaged with fandom enough to understand that the prevalence of non-nuanced takes comes from younger fans who have grown up in a world massively different from the one I grew up in as a millennial with boomer parents.

Nevertheless, I don't think you're doing it right either, my love. Teachers might have been allowed to hit students with rulers in the 70s (they weren't allowed in 90s Greece, though, and I have been informed neither were they in the UK) - and an example of a strict but good teacher in the books is Minerva McGonagall, who would dole out harsh punishments and use her sharp tongue on students, but still gives you the feeling that she cared about them and loved them. That kind of "tough love" was how boomers took care of their kids. Not Snape, who had beef with a student because he didn't like his father. That's fucked up. But the thing is that Snape is supposed to be unlikeable and mean and come off as the villain, to make his arc all the more surprising and impactful. He's supposed to be a fucked up dick who works for the side of good, because the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters.

As for James, I don't think his portrayal as a bisexual ADHD-having MOC is inherently incompatible with his character, even if it's not the authorial intent (indeed, James is supposed to be the picture of privilege). For instance, one aspect of HP I find fascinating is how being a POC doesn't descend into racism in the books - I think there's one single instance of it, where Pansy tells Angelina she's got worms on her head, but that's obviously Pansy being a dick, and other than that there is no casual racism thrown about to people like Dean or Lee or Cho or the Patils. Whether their portrayal is nuanced or stereotypical is a different discussion, but I think it's obvious that we're supposed to take out that if you're a racist wizard, it's not colour that matters, it's blood. James Potter could reasonably be a POC and it wouldn't matter at all in the world he lived in.

That he would struggle with ADHD or sexuality is also not implausible, and in fact I think it makes for very compelling portrayals of him to be going through that in an era-adequate way. Have people around him be annoyed because he just won't sit still, show him confused by his attraction to Sirius and downplaying it with semi-homophobic remarks. I'm personally not so much a fan of a Hogwarts that reads like you're at Pride, but it was the era of hippies, after all?? I think that Hogwarts would be on the conservative side of things, but at the end of the day it *was* the time when queerness started to gain visibility and I understand how people feel at liberty to use that. Everyone seeks to connect to these characters through fic to some degree; for me, who grew up as a gifted (and probably undiagnosed autistic?) kid in a conservative society, the canon portrayal of people like James and Lily and Sirius at Hogwarts resonates enough to keep me intrigued.

I don't lament people trying to project their own struggles with queerness or mental illness or idk just the fun conversations they have with their friends on the Marauders and Hogwarts; what bugs me is when it's being done in a way that cancels canon aphoristically, and you're suddenly idk toxic for shipping Jily because "James was an abuser and Lily had Stockholm Syndrome" - that's not what happened. Showing off like a peacock was the men's standard flirting technique, and playing hard to get was the women's standard flirting technique, and even with that Jily contains a LOT of nuance - and frankly, even through a modern lens I find it very difficult to miss if you have the first idea of reading between the lines. Which is why I keep saying: lack of reading comprehension skills and critical thinking beyond understanding straightforward text messages and cheap quips is the bane of these readers' existence (or, you know, our existence, for having to put up with it).

[starry-skies-116]

One thing that I think I want to establish in my Transformers AU is that literally all the techno-organics are just neurodivergent queer kids that are positively unhinged.

Sam is reclusive, eccentric and introverted, coming across as aloof and withdrawn. Yet he's compassionate and reliable, possessing all the true qualities of a leader- so much so that when he finally does start to see his merits, he's desperate to maintain those images to the point of overburdening himself constantly. He constantly builds walls between himself and his emotions, as he struggles with feeling and confronting them.

Jackson is passionate and precocious to the point of recklessness, always rushing into danger headfirst and acting without thinking of the consequences. However, as a scientist, he always learns from his mistakes, and his compassion and willingness to help changes those around him for the better. He's artistic, curious, cunning and ambitious- one who gets themselves into trouble often has to learn to get themselves out, after all. The problem is that years of loneliness and social ostracization have made him too self-reliant, to the point where he struggles with accepting love.

Sari, like Jackson and Sam, always seems to have her head in the clouds. She's altruistic, competitive and brave, acting like the 'youngest' of the group- she's able to adopt new skills quickly, determine other's problems, and has a passion for a variety of art mediums. She doesn't allow other people to diminish her skills or contributions, and grows frustrated when she sees Jackson and Sam take this kind of mistreatment lying down- she's essentially the emotional glue of the team, encouraging the rest of the team to be more honest with themselves and to more authentically express and communicate their true emotions and desires.

Noah (who is considerably younger in this AU- around his teens more specifically) is confident, impatient and blunt with quite the temper, never placing faith in other people and growing frustrated with shortcomings and misunderstandings. Similar to Sari, he doesn't tolerate any disrespect towards himself or those he cares about, sharply correcting any attempts to do so. He's vehemently anti-authoritarian and doesn't care about social status, even acting openly defiant towards the Maximals. He also suffers from a deep lack of empathy towards other people- however, he finds other ways to express his care for those he loves.

And as for what they have in common? Well, they're all nerds that hyperfixate on different things, ESPECIALLY pieces of media. They're all researchers and scientists that are hungry for more. They've all suffered some kind of past trauma. They're kids that struggle with being honest with themselves, with letting people in and swallowing their pride. They struggle with believing in themselves. They're lonely- they've always felt alone in the world. So when they find each other? They realize that maybe the universe isn't such a lonely place after all.

Also, they would definitely act like siblings that grew up together for their entire lives- even if they only knew each other for a day.

[warden-melli]

I got to thinking, since Melli is all the way up at the top of the mountain then not much people will be able to visit him. A lot of strange things must happen up there, ghosts(not pokemon) might be up there due to people dying to the dangerous environment. What if people aren't really allowed up there is because some start to become insane? What if Melli starts to become insane?

I like to think of this whenever I want to imagine a Evil Melli AU :) also I'm tired at the moment so i apologize for any mistakes in my grammar.

Moonview Arena is also right next to a graveyard, on a mountain littered with ancient ruins 👀

A ghost/haunting/possession story with Melli, set up on the mountain sounds like it could be a really cool idea! I personally would just be a bit careful using words like “insane” as a synonym/analogy for being “evil”, because it could reinforce the harmful stereotype that people living with certain mental illnesses (particularly psychosocial disabilities) are dangerous or violent. But I think if handled respectfully this could be a really cool au, and I’d be interested to hear more about it ^^

My own personal headcanon is that Melli, in addition to being a Warden, is also tasked with being the caretaker of the mountain graveyard, and that he inherited the position (as well as the Electrode Warden job) from his uncle after he passed away. I kinda imagine his whole family having a bit of a spooky vibe, filling roles associated with death within their community. At least on his mothers side. In my version of Hisui, Melli’s grandmother is the Diamond Clans death doula, providing care and spiritual guidance to people who are dying, and performing the clans mourning/death rituals after someone has passed. She has an ancient Skuntank companion, whose poisons are used as medicines to help ease the pain of those suffering during their final days. His mother is a jeweller/artisan, crafting memento mori and shrines/memorials so that people can remember/honour those that have passed. As I mentioned earlier his late uncle (in addition to being Lord Electrodes previous warden) would also care for the graves, assisted by his beloved Hisuian Typhlosion partner. With Melli’s design/outsider status and his association with poison/dark types, it felt natural to pair him with darker roles/themes when I first began to imagine what my interpretation of his backstory/family might be like.

I agree with you that due to the location of his job, Melli would spend a lot of time isolated up on the mountain. (Another personal headcanon - his isolation also plays a part in his lack of social skills). Anything could happen so far away from other humans. In a place like Hisui where ghost pokemon roam the land, as well as implied/confirmed encounters with human spirits (Vessa) being a reality, I think your idea is very compelling. I imagine Hisui and it’s clans to have rich and spiritual cultures, including many different myths, legends and superstitions surrounding the supernatural, and it would make sense that some of those stories are cautionary tales about people becoming possessed when travelling alone in the mountains. It would be very cool to imagine what would happen if those stories came true :)

[atopearth]

Norn9: Last Era Part 9 - Akito Shukuri Route

Akito and Senri's story really breaks my heart, so seeing the young them hide from the villagers and Akito trying his best to protect Senri when he's just a kid too makes me want to cry. He was such a good brother but he just couldn't win against greedy, evil and terrible adults. The worst thing about it all is Akito is too kind. He considered the adults' desperate circumstances but they never thought about his or Senri's and that's the main reason I go f them. Even though Akito doesn't always show it, he always thinks about other people's feelings. What I love most about Akito will always be his love for Senri. He's willing to give everything for him to have a safe and happy life. He'd rather take on the burden of the powers even if it kills him just so Senri won't have to suffer. He's too kind and so resolute that it's amazing. I will always love the scene where Akito grabs Nanami's hand when she's falling because it's the first time they properly convey their true feelings properly to an extent, and you can see from Akito's perspective that they're both similar in that they both are willing to die for something "good" if it helps others because they hate themselves for what they did in the past.

LMAO Akito is so silly😂 He doesn't like Koharu because he doesn't know what to call her😂 Calling her first name is too much for him, adding san is too weird so he just avoids talking to her lmao😂 It's sweet to see Itsuki and everyone being so thoughtful and considerate towards Sakuya after Mikoto went missing, really goes to show how much everyone cares for the other. It was nice that the dream helped Akito realise how young Nanami was when she was forced to erase Senri's memories, and to finally realise how truly fragile and sensitive she was and still is. I remember really liking how protective Heishi is in this route and how he told off Akito for being so mean to Nanami all this time and I guess I just enjoy seeing Heishi's serious side. Thinking of regrets and pains of the past, Heishi is right that what you feel right now always feels stronger than the past, and that we have the future to look forward to. I'm not sure how much I look forward to the future but it is true that if you can make the person appreciate and love the present, the past won't feel as painful because you're there for them. Akito's conviction to stay beside her forever because she's scared that he'll leave her someday is so cute. I can see why Akito is scared that Nanami is only staying with him out of sympathy and guilt considering how she's been acting since the beginning though. They're still so cuteee though. It always breaks my heart to watch the moment Senri loses his memories of Akito because he's talking about him so happily, it just makes me cry. Senri and Akito didn't deserve to suffer like that😭 I loveee Akito's kisses, I find them so gentle and sweet, and full of love!

Kakeru is right, having Akito take care of meals definitely ups everyone's standards for a partner because dudee, Akito is so observant and considerate to make vegetable soup for Kakeru because he noticed he hasn't been feeling well and should have something light, like excuse me, where is this man in my life🤣 OMG, Akito blushing while saying he'll try to come home as fast as he can has got to be the most adorable thing everrr! Akito really is too kind. He's supporting Nanami, Senri, Koharu and the recovering Kakeru, but it's so him to do all that and think that it's to be expected. I feel sorry for Kakeru that he feels so guilty about hurting everyone when he was brainwashed when it's not his fault at all and no one really got hurt. It's funny how Akito and Senri so similarly lack social skills to the point that even Senri complains about him because he refuses to call him by name haha! Silly brothers. Akito shyly telling Nanami she doesn't need to feel jealous because he loves her is the cutest thing ever. The wooden box Senri carved for Akito is so exquisite and beautiful, I felt so touched for him. Akito crying from happiness is the sweetest, it makes me so happy for him. I honestly really enjoyed seeing Senri getting so mad when he thought Akito sold the box he made for him and I like how he confronted him about it, they really are progressing! Obviously it was to see if people would buy it so Senri could make a business out of it and give Senri confidence in his works. It really was great to see them communicate so much better, especially Akito. The way Akito so genuinely and unintentionally shows and tells Nanami how much he loves her makes my heart feel so satisfied. Akito doesn't need pretty words to win girls' hearts because his rough, honest and genuine words will always win Nanami's heart and everyone else's, guy or girl haha!

LMAO at Kagami saying Akito is going to transcend into a grandma at this rate because he cooks everything well, presents it well and even knits🤣🤣 Senri being good at craftwork because he used to make straw dolls and stuff to curse people is hilarious. I'm glad Akito stood up for Kakeru when they were contemplating why he left because he definitely did it because he thought it was time for him to find his own way in life, he's not the type to run away, although I do still feel sad for him that he was partnered with Koharu in this route but she chose Senri😭 I love how respectful Akito is, and how he really wanted to wait for Nanami to talk about what was bothering her herself but ended up asking her because he couldn't stand seeing her so distraught. I love the CG of Akito cradling Nanami in bed, it was so sweet and heartwarming how he reassured her that she didn't need to worry about her father and that they could always run away. When Akito said there's nothing more miserable than not being able to picture your own happiness, I wanted to cry because you could see how well he could bring happiness to Nanami, but at the same time I wanted to cry because I really don't know what the picture of happiness is for me anymore. It was unsurprising that her father and them would come when they're in a vertically secluded beach house but I didn't realise how much the Shiranui family wanted to get rid of her just in case she uses her powers against them. It seems like her father is genuinely concerned that Akito is only with Nanami for revenge but honestly, her relationship with her father is difficult to repair, but I'm glad Akito was able to voice to him that he loves Nanami and isn't with her for revenge, because as Nanami said, he's too kind to be thought of like that. The showdown with her father may have been anticlimactic but I'm glad it went much more amicably than expected. Even though I personally think there's no reason why they should push to get married especially considering Nanami is only like 16 but whatever floats their boat I guess. I mean, Akito is very straight-laced so I guess if she's living with him, he wants her to be his partner formally.

Lmao at Nanami telling Akito to not sweat the small stuff or he'll go bald🤣 Trust Nanami to have a dictionary as reading material🤣 It was so funny when Akito said she better not be looking at the world bald when she said she was looking at a word related to him😂😂 I find it so funny that Nanami is going through bridal training with Akito as her instructor🤣 I mean, he's definitely the best but it's so cute hahaha. I understand why Nanami wants to help out more and learn to cook for Akito but I also understand that Akito wants to spoil Nanami and doesn't want her to have to strain herself especially since she's not a morning person so making breakfast can be difficult. I gotta admire her dedication to stay up all night just so she can "wake up early" and make breakfast lol. LMAO, I knew the thing bothering Akito had to be some kind of bird customer but that Blue Bird costume was wild🤣 I love Nanami, it was so funny and cool of her to disagree that she's useless (even though she's been feeling inadequate) and then saying she wants to be worthy of Akito's love, the best part was when she shredded that 3 million yen made bird costume to protect Akito🤣🤣 I like how they both subvert the traditional masculine and feminine roles but try their best to "fit" them because they think that's what they should do but in the end, what's important isn't catering to gender roles but being happy doing what you want to do. I'm so glad Akito finally voiced to Nanami how important cooking at home was for him, because seeing her smile eating his food gives him so much joy and I can totally understand that, he used to love cooking for Senri because seeing Senri so happily eating his food made him happy. It's so sad that Akito and Senri have to separate so soon, but I'm really happy for Senri that he can study under a professional carpenter and have something he's passionate about so it's good and I'm sure Akito is happy for him. I'm also really happy for Nanami that herbs is actually what she wants to do for life so she wants to become an apothecary! Akito's initial reaction to it was hilarious though hahaha!

Overall, I really loved this sequel! I loved seeing Senri, Koharu, Akito and Nanami live together. It was so perfect having both couples grow together whilst both brothers awkwardly tried their best to interact with each other more and bond. The sweetest moment was definitely when Senri made that box for Akito (that he's going to take to the grave with him lmao) and then seeing Senri get mad when he thought Akito sold it. It made me so happy to see that other than the daily interactions, they also had special moments where they both expressed to each other how important the other was and how much they cherished the other's thoughts and consideration for them. Seeing them get this far really made my heart warm and I love how Koharu and Nanami helped support these awkward brothers the whole way. Dealing with Nanami's father was inevitable but I'd say that other than seeing how cool, sweet and thoughtful Akito was, I didn't really care for it, because as Nanami says, he's not really a part of her life anymore. Initially, I wasn't sure if I liked Sunburst especially with how Akito refused to tell Nanami anything etc, but I think I enjoyed it because of how things resolved. They don't fit into the traditional gender roles but they both tried their best to in their own silly ways so it was nice to see them realise that what's important isn't adhering to how society wants them to be, but to just be happy together living they want to live. I also liked how this time it was Akito who refused to talk rather than Nanami so it's cute to see how similar they can be when it comes to being considerate but also how forceful they can get when they want to support and protect their partner. I really loved watching over them grow as people and how much fun it was to have all four of them live together. This is probably one of my favourite routes just because I love Akito so much haha!

[dolphin1812]

We’re back to light and dark imagery as we begin the Patron Minette digression!:

“For in the sacred shadows there lies latent light. Volcanoes are full of a shadow that is capable of flashing forth. Every form begins by being night. The catacombs, in which the first mass was said, were not alone the cellar of Rome, they were the vaults of the world.”

This idea of “latent light” reminds me of the light that was inherent to Marius in the salons. As a child, he carried “light” within him even as the shadows of royalism hid him from true knowledge, just as miners are able to find truth in spite of the darkness they work in. I also love that he adds that miners can communicate across mines! “Light” in one tunnel affects how another tunnel works, even if they’re supposedly separate. Hugo’s assumption that Christianity is part of this global “progress” is uncomfortable (especially given the history of colonialism), though.

The questionable aspects of this chapter increase as Hugo continues. Referring to people as “monsters” generally isn’t a good sign, regardless of what they’re doing. Although this is also uncomfortable, it makes sense that Hugo would categorize these people as the “blind,” being unable to see the metaphorical light of progress, but this implies hopelessness as well. This level is like a “burial” in that there’s no chance of escaping it, with the people trapped there never coming to the notice of others, as if they’d never been alive. Their lack of communication with other levels reveals that they lack social mobility, but it also means that they have no way of learning. To Hugo, community is the foundation of change. Miners on other levels may think themselves alone, but they don’t experience the complete isolation of this bottom level, and as a result, there’s hope. Without the possibility of true connection, these miners have no way of improving their lives.

The reference to Inferno is somewhat funny, as it elevates Hugo by placing him in the epic tradition that was (and is) venerated in European literature. Just as Dante placed Vergil in his work to show off his skill relative to him, so does Hugo allude to this work to demonstrate how skillfully he can guide his readers through the underworld compared to Dante. Moreover, it underscores just how bad this level is. For the most part, only those who Dante deemed truly wicked were in Inferno, and all of them were suffering there. This level must be really terrible to warrant a comparison.

[erebusvincent]

…Decades of Social Damage From Each Pandemic

"Recent research suggests that the 1918 flu had broad and long-lasting societal impacts," Jenkins noted in his book. "The social disruption caused by the 1918 flu significantly eroded people's trust and – the most fascinating finding – this lack of trust was inherited by descendants." That squares with data he found from earlier plagues. "It is in line with previous research on the Black Death and the nineteenth-century cholera epidemics, which also inflicted long-lasting damage on personal trust, damage that affected following generations."

New norms are passed on to children by those whose behavior changed during pandemics and the policies that were imposed by authorities. That becomes the new normal, which can last for decades.

True, not everybody was negatively impacted to a serious degree by COVID-19 and intrusive public health policies. Some places didn't impose much in the way of restrictions, and those that existed were widely ignored in others. Many families quickly adapted to new circumstances and prevented long-term harm for their kids. And some people are just remarkably resilient.

But it's clear that the behavior of a good many people changed for the worse, maybe permanently, during the pandemic. And many children were delayed in learning social skills and suffered lingering mental health problems. It's not necessary for all members of a society, or even a majority, to change their ways for that society to undergo a transformation. History suggests the effects will last a long time.

In March 2020, while governments flexed their public health policy muscles in deeply intrusive ways, I warned that pandemic-related unemployment and shutdowns are a recipe for social unrest. Shortly before, David L. Katz, former director of the Yale-Griffin Prevention Research Center, had written in The New York Times that he was "deeply concerned that the social, economic and public health consequences of this near total meltdown of normal life—schools and businesses closed, gatherings banned—will be long lasting and calamitous, possibly graver than the direct toll of the virus itself."

Rudeness isn't murder or even crime, it's not the impoverishment we've seen from lockdowns, and it isn't as pernicious as the loss of freedom inflicted in the name of health. But it appears that in the course of screwing with our lives and our livelihoods and undermining their own credibility, the powers-that-be also managed to disrupt our relations with our neighbors. The world in which we live isn't just a little poorer, more distrustful, and less free than it was before governments went on a COVID-fueled power trip—it's also ruder.

[moxiemaemaple]

Universe has its ways.

I'm struggling at the moment.

Like a wave, that just…came forth out of no where. Something I've internalized for so long.

I used my video making skills to film myself applying for a medical license. I'll spare all the complexities, just did it. Feel like I'm slipping back into my old career life that I was happy to be free of, legal, rules, strict. I instead am trying to see it as a new chance to do things in a way that best suits me using everything I've learned.

I'm dealing with immense issues with stuff out of state and a part of me wonders why I'm stacking more onto myself. I've been writing an entire document set for myself and perfecting it and sometimes I wonder if its too much.

Am I too much?

A show of insecurity that still lives in me. I had a conversation with someone today and they asked about my choice to be a loner. It made me flash through all the betrayal I've suffered. Social debuffs and anxieties. Do I choose to be a loner? Sure…but not always. Sometimes I feel just how lonely it is to be a loner. Celebrating everything you are proud of alone. Birthdays, holidays, everything I produce, every photo I'm proud of that is posted, every event I host for the community that people never showed up to and even submitting my medical app to the board for a counseling license.

Who counsels the counselor?

Often people have joked about this to me. Asked me who my therapist is to keep sane, considering some of the things I navigate. I off load my own baggage to a professional out of state but it feels like there is no fixing some aspects of me. Maybe I haven't found stability, always forced to survive. Even when I got comfortable in this city someone I considered close melted down and traumatized me. I try to find it to forgive them, is that fucked of me? Always forgiving even the ones who flipped an entire story to try and stage me as a murderer.

I'm always and forever an alien. Just when I think I find my people its just a mirage. Let's set up Maple. It is just too easy. My former days of building everyone else and never building for myself only just be excluded from the empires I help build. Stripped and booted from the very lands I once tilled loyally. Leaving the loner to prowl exiled lands of shade. A story always told the same, time and time again.

I've come a long way in truth in my own therapy. I feel finally I got that change I always wanted, just to be crippled with shattering realities. My autism, my trauma, forced to move after jail, losing anyone close to me, going through major surgery alone, dealing with betrayal, heart break, life ending loneliness in a pit, clawing a new environment. Some how dealt with a gang the second day in this new city who wanted my head cause how my hair looked. Got new assets, lost them, gained them, grew my own business, met many people, some good, some bad and still have dodged being murdered still. Improved all my own skills and excelled beyond means I ever thought possible. A roller coaster that has made me mentally spiral.

Just wish I had someone to really hold me. Hold me tight in an embrace. Miss touch. Miss having company that I feel connected to. Some one to share my ups and downs that wasn't just my own therapist.

I had a bad day couple of days ago and pulled a single card for myself after the universe kept shitting on me. Two of cups upright.

I didn't really have a prompt in mind, then that stupid video tarot guy popped into my head. I hope ghost is building themselves like I'm now. Following their dreams, goals they have set out for themselves and they don't feel trapped in the vortex I do. Alone.

I still remember all the things they had wanted to achieve, goals. I saw that in them. Saw them achieving them just like I see the true potential in all my clients. I can't remember my own past actions, though I hope they knew I valued their ability to dream for themselves. So attractive of a trait I realize some lack. Soar far out there ghost. Chase your passions even if it curses you.

It's gotta be temporary and everything will balance out in the end. Bet.

[n4stasia]

A Silent Voice

Ughh... a tough one! Growing up with a disability, experiencing humiliation, systemic issues, school bullying, suicide, remorse — A Silent Voice has so many psychologically challenging themes. It's a one-of-a-kind anime, a must watch for everyone.

A Silent Voice addresses deep social issues that resonate not only among Japanese youth but also in other countries. Deaf Shouko has to apologize simply for not being able to communicate normally with her classmates; she feels guilty for causing them problems and accepts all suffering as deserved punishment. However, the story isn't as harsh as it may initially seem. As the plot unfolds, we witness the value of true friendship and love, the ability to forgive, including oneself. It's forgiveness, not love, that lies at the heart of this magnificent storyline.

The decision to primarily tell the story from Ishida's perspective in the anime is quite symbolic and ironic. Nishimiya was silenced both physically, due to her deafness, and emotionally, due to the trauma she endured. We never actually got her perspective up until she almost killed herself.

While this anime covers so many important themes, our primary focus is on discrimination. People with disabilities should never be excluded from society, starting from school where other kids should learn to accept diversity. It's awesome that Nishimiya attended a regular school. What was terribly wrong, however, was the severe lack of accommodations and inclusivity. Why did Nishimiya want to sing in the choir? Because she wanted to be part of the community and rightfully deserved to be there. Perhaps her desire to study as intensively as everyone else and to develop communication skills led her to a regular school rather than a specialized one. It's unfortunate that Nishimiya was not prepared for both social difficulties and the incompetence of teachers in supporting a weaker student.

One of the scenes that deeply altered my brain and broke my heart, was when a sign language teacher proposed learning a new way of communication with Nishimiya:

"Isn't it enough to use her notebook?" - Ueno "It's easier for Shouko-Chan using sign language" - Teacher "It's easier for me using the notebook" - Ueno

I'm not necessarily hating on Ueno character, which, being honest is quite hard. I just think it perfectly shows the ugly nature of ableism in the society.