#but that’s not true at all I just suffer from a lack of social skills and the resulting paralyzing social anxiety

[artificial-condition]

.

[weemietime]

There isn't a whole lot of content on Tumblr about schizoid personality disorder so I thought I would make a little informational post. SZPD is a cluster A personality disorder, of the odd/eccentric cluster alongside schizotypal and paranoid. It is on the schizophrenia spectrum, and comprises the negative rather than positive symptoms of schizophrenia.

This primarily means we have avolition, catatonia, flat/blunted affect (demeanor), limited interoception (emotional sensations), lack of bonds to others including primary family members, and indifference to the opinions of others.

Whilst this isn't a diagnostic criteria, many of us are also asexual and aromantic, meaning we don't want to have sex with other humans (but usually do masturbate) and have no interest in romantic companionship.

My most disabling symptom is avolition, because I have comorbid ADHD. This means when I don't have my medication (dextromethorphan 120mg) I just sit there and zone out and can't even hold a conversation or move my body, nor even do things like feed myself. It is genuinely crippling and I am unemployed because of this, even though my meds help, they don't cure me and I need a lot of time alone.

Schizoid is something of an "anti-human" disorder, because we fail to form basic social bonds with others including primary caregivers. As a child I got diagnosed with inhibited RAD because I could not tolerate human contact. This differs from autism because autistic people generally want to socialize, they just lack the skills. I don't want to socialize and it takes tremendous effort for me to do so.

To even make this post I had to wait for my meds to click in as I was just sitting there mindlessly beforehand. While we have low internal sensations of emotions like caring, love, happiness, trust, sadness, etc. we aren't typically antisocial/dissocial and don't have a pattern of exploiting others or dishonesty. This requires too much effort.

There is a schizoid version of narcissism but it is separate to narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is characterized by a very fragile ego. You can't contradict or disagree with NPD because they are unable to regulate the emotions caused by conflict. Conversely, SZPD does not care about the opinions of others at all and places little value on them.

Our sense of superiority is legitimate, meaning we just do genuinely believe we are smarter than other people. So your mileage may vary on how insufferable you find that. I recognize this trait in myself and work to actively challenge it since it is illogical for me to think I am more special than anyone else. But, my ego is very stable, so criticism doesn't bother me the way it would in NPD.

Interoception means the sensations you feel inside your body. We lack this, so even stuff like hunger and tiredness don't impact us until we are very hungry or extremely exhausted. I don't have the feeling you would to look at a family member and get a sense of love or trust. I have a logical sense of obligation that I developed through choosing what I value based on reason. I describe this as care, and I place importance on my friendships, but there is no emotional component to this, it is all cognitive.

Tangentially: I'm somewhat of an optimistic nihilist, believing that there is no grand purpose to existence. Yes, even as a religious person. I don't think G-d ultimately has a purpose either, as an agent of the universe. (I don't believe G-d created the universe.) We have a human nervous system, so we base our rubric for morality on suffering and decide what is meaningful both collectively and individually.

I don't believe in true freedom of will (but I do believe we have agency), because we know that Bereitschaftspotential or reaction potentials occur in the brain up to two seconds before we become conscious of a volitional desire. Our consciousness occurs because of quantum synchronicity in the brain, so our free will is in a bit of an in-between state rather than fully determined or fully free.

So, we are not born deciding "I'm going to be an abuser," that happens because of brain abnormalities. It's no different than the forces of creation and destruction at work like a virus infecting a host cell. I don't place much importance on concepts of self-hood, I view myself as the electrical and chemical processes that occur in my brain, which happen without my choosing, that I can influence and impact through my own agency.

Anyway, these are just some basic schizoid meanderings for you all and I hope that this was informative or interesting in some way. Peace.

[alfredojesta]

jason is just a sad little victorian boy ...

i know it's christmas but i don't celebrate so i get to make the least jolliest comic!!! ^o^ i'm like the grinch but i make pastas suffer!

gonna talk about his family life below. heavy tw for abuse and physical assault (bullying)

okay so. jason was alive around... 1880-1920? smth like that. not sure on the details yet. this is gonna be a really rough post.

his father (charles meyer) was the AHEM man of the house. always in charge. controlling and humourless.

his mother (charlotte meyer) (no they're not cousins) was timid and mostly kept in the background.

jason is their only son for they could not make another </3

charlotte was erm. frightened by charles. sometimes, she would speak out against him. tell him to think about his actions—but he'd yell back, and they would get into a back and forth argument.

jason unfortunately witnessed these fights of theirs. he never once stepped in, but holy shit did these fights shape his little child brain.

while his family life sucked—so did his social life. kids at school picked on him for being him (he's autistic and struggled w talking to people). his only friend was the sweetest girl on the playground: amelia, but he feared her leaving him because he was "pathetic".

his father hated jason for getting bullied. charles perceived jason as weak, and to toughen him up, he'd regularly beat him up, basically.

if jason got terribly injured, he'd get hit just because he didn't stand up for himself. it wasn't rare for jason to come home with a bunch of bruises. piling on those bruises with the ones he got from his father, too. he hated looking at himself. he hated all the things people did to him. he wanted control of his own life, of his body, and the people around him.

but he wouldn't get it. not then.

while his father hurt him—his mother tried to help him. she'd bandage his wounds, n tell him that charles doesn't mean what he says and that both of them love jason very much.

jason wanted that to be true. he wanted his parents to love him. that's all he strived for in life. making them proud.

HOWEVER. jason is really into toymaking, which neither of his parents support, and he spends a lot of his time working on toy projects. both charles and charlotte have had discussions about this.

charles considers jason to be broken. at first, charlotte thinks charles is ridiculous for saying that about their only son. then, as jason starts showing more signs of his... lack of social skills—charlotte starts to think. there really IS something wrong with her son

(THERE'S NOTHING WRONG W HIM HE'S JUST AUTISTIC AND HIS SPECIAL INTEREST IS MAKING TOYS)

anyway this notion his parents set made jason think he's broken. and the only thing that matters in life is perfection.

happy holidays

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

DROP YOUR DX FOR VOX !!!!! Please and thank you.

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

(I've already posted some stuff here so I'm not going to repeat myself.)

Okay, so, Vox has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's crucial to distinguish this from "common narcissism" (people often described as "narcissists" by others just because they are egotist assholes; kinda ableist, you shouldn't do it because it's extremely stigmatizing towards people suffering with actual NPD) . While those individuals typically function well, those with NPD exhibit all the traits – grandiosity, egocentrism, attention-seeking, intense power fantasies – but as it's a disorder, these traits lead to inflexible and maladaptive patterns of behavior and cognition.

NPD has its roots in intense feelings of shame, low self-compassion, and self-loathing. In my interpretation, Vox has always felt inadequate. His father inherited an enormous amount of money, establishing a media conglomerate in the 20's. Vox's mother, captivated by the world of movies, used them to escape her reality as a trophy wife. Despite her dreams of becoming an actress, Vox's father, possessive and protective, prevented her entry into the entertainment industry. As a compromise, he made their son a child actor, with the condition that it would be temporary. When Vox grew older, he was expected to transition to learning business and other skills, ultimately to take over the family's empire.

So, Vox was never enough for either of his parents. His father thought of him as annoying and unserious due to his talkativeness and exaggerated behaviors, attributing it to growing up surrounded by actors. As for his mother... Vox turned out to be a terrible actor, struggling to convey emotions that weren't bombastic and over-the-top. Being a teenager is humiliating enough, but imagine being a teenager bad at something and forced to do it for a worldwide audience, when the whole production crew is annoyed with you. Fortunately, he grew up to be devilishly handsome (not to be a simp, I just believe someone must be handsome to endure the ethereal punishment of having their face swapped for a TV screen) and entertaining, leading them to make him a TV host and media personality.

Anyway, NPD is all about creating a perfect self and projecting it to the world when you're deeply ashamed of your true self. It means that, no matter what you're doing, you're constantly concerned about how it looks to other people. You constantly play an exhausting game, trying to win gold stars of social admiration for every-fucking-thing, guided by superficial ideals of wealth, perfection, beauty, and, above all, power. One reason Alastor's existence bothers Vox so much is the fact that he cannot comprehend the idea of someone choosing radio over his "objectively better and correct" medium. Vox lacks the ability to understand nuanced sentiments, which ironically makes him thrive in Hell. In this anarchocapitalist, lawless society, survival of the fittest prevails, and this is a game he excels at playing.

Generally, the best approach for individuals with NPD is to pull them out of delusional thinking by confronting their beliefs about the world and themselves with reality (it should be performed by qualified therapist, especially when someone hasn't completed any kind of therapeutic process yet). However, in Hell, Vox's behavior was no longer in violation of social norms; on the contrary, it was highly rewarded. Consequently, he completely lost his shit, became unhinged, and began acting on all his previously suppressed urges. He finally fulfilled all narcissistic power fantasies and became (almost) untouchable. Now, he's ready to kill anyone who questions him, seeing it as threatening to his fragile image of the perfect self.

He exhibits strong bipolar tendencies. Most of the time, he's power-tripping in a semi-maniacal state. Periodically, he undergoes deep, depressive episodes, locking himself up in his apartment and avoiding interaction.

Constantly guarding this fragile image of the perfect self that he built is exhausting. The bigger this image gets, the more fragile it becomes, like a house of cards. And guarding it becomes more and more exhausting. But there's nothing scarier than the idea of the facade falling apart and people seeing him as he is: imperfect and vulnerable, damaged and ashamed, rotten and evil. Deep down, he knows he's unlovable, and it hurts. He knows that true love exists; he craves this ultimate form of admiration and devotion, but it requires vulnerability and honesty, which he's not capable of. He's only vulnerable with Valentino, and only occasionally when he's intoxicated or when Val fucks every last thought out of his body. He's very much a controlling top insecure about his masculinity, so the latter happens rarely.

Also, drugs. Oh, do this man enjoy some coke. Other drugs and booze, not so much; they make him feel less in control. But getting coked up, going out, causing a scene, killing some poor souls, and relishing this feeling of being completely untouchable? Feels so good.

When it comes to Alastor, he hates him because he's jealous. Despite all his efforts—building a perfect persona, a perfect company, perfect entertainment—this stinky, outdated, and boring radio demon gets so much attention and admiration that should be his. Moreover, he feels that Alastor can see right through his bullshit. He's so paranoid about it that he's almost certain Alastor knows about his childhood traumas, about his death, about all his truths, and could one day broadcast it for all people of Hell to hear. So, he needs him dead.

Note: these headcanons (especially Vox's past) are very important part of my fanfiction. Please feel free to use them in your fics but I'll appreciate if you tag me 🩷

Velvette hc | Valentino hc | Vees + Angel hc | VoxVal hc

[physalian]

Character Types: The Coward

Specifically, the cowardly protagonist, because this character is so tricky to make compelling and not insufferable.

Cowards, much like schemers, tend to be the antithesis of a brave, selfless hero. They look out for themselves first, and if anyone else benefits, it’s a happy accident. Unlike schemers, they’re missing an inflated ego. They lack the drive and confidence to connive and claw for power.

Which tends to make cowards extremely unlikable, because not only are they unheroic, they’re useless. Plenty of characters get called cowards when they’re not, they’re just being sensible, and plenty more wear that badge proudly.

So how do you make one that isn’t a burden on the story and endlessly frustrating to the audience?

Well, I wrote one, and so far haven’t had any complaints.

Elias is my protagonist in Eternal Night, and he is a coward, and he knows it. He’s quiet, a bit of a cynic, a proud introvert, and a nerd. He also lives in a hyper-survivalist society that doesn’t waste any time on superfluous things like mourning their dead or facing their emotions because if they did they’d all steep into a depression rot and never escape.

The survival rate of hunting parties outside their cave is pretty low and Elias already lost his only brother to an accident, and has absolutely no desire to leave the cave. He’s got a perfect job as the Keeper—bookkeeping, inventory, and historical record.

He has a valid reason to be selfish: Being brave just gets you killed.

Elias is not a “chosen one”. He’s just extremely unlucky and cannot catch a break, dragged around by different vampires and clashing covens, none of whom really like him all that much, but for plot reasons he’s important to their plans.

The only character who cares about him is a Fixer and my Fixer absolutely suffers for sticking his neck out for Elias.

There is no “the power was inside you all along” moment, no “you’re the one true king to unite all the vampire covens” moment. Elias’s whole plot journey is to do whatever it takes to survive to the next morning and maybe also woo a boyfriend cause eyyyyy.

His whole story journey, which is different than the plot, is learning how fucked his clan’s survivalist nature made him. He’s missing so many social skills, so many milestones in life, so many experiences that are just a given to everyone he meets.

To somebody who’s never seen the stars or even clouds before, dumping him into a castle of 200 strangers and asking him to make friends is a tall order. Dumping him into a den of what he’s been raised to think of as monsters and stockholm-syndromed blood slaves and asking him to make friends is damn near impossible.

Elias is self-serving, and self-sabotaging in nearly every way. He’s wrong, about most everything he says, and doesn’t get away with it.

Elias’s refusal to make nice and let old grudges fade makes him extremely disliked by everyone in his new home, except for one person. So when the time comes for Drama and Plot, they do not give a single shit about protecting him, because he didn’t give a shit about protecting them.

“I just want to be normal” heroes are annoying, unless the task they’re chosen for is hell. Everybody wants to be a wizard at Hogwarts. But nobody’s signing up to volunteer for the Hunger Games.

Elias’s “fuck this I want to go home” selfishness does have merit. He doesn’t want to be food. But everywhere he turns, characters are proving him wrong about how it’s not “just being food,” how their society benefits everyone in the harsh environment they live in, how they’re doing the best they can with what they have and it’s not perfect but it’s better than the alternative.

He fights it at every turn. It’s not just “wah I hate vampires because they’re icky” it’s “I’ve been raised to hate vampires, and you ripped me from my home and everything I ever knew and they might all be dead now. If I start sleeping with the enemy and forgive and forget, then who am I?”

Elias might be a coward, but he’s not lazy, and he’s not stupid. He doesn’t throw a tantrum and refuse to accept the alternatives to being food. He works hard for his place (once he gets over his weaponized incompetence), works hard to try and save himself by learning more about his world and geography and all his possible escape routes, and when his survivalist upbringing of “do or die” comes in, Elias doesn’t freeze when he’s cornered, he comes alive.

So he’s still very much a “coward” in that he primarily only wants to save himself (and the one other character he cares about), but he’s not a couch potato, not a damsel in distress who can’t lift a finger to break the locks on his own cage, and the plans he does come up with to stay alive actually work.

I don’t expect Elias to be anyone’s favorite character, he wasn’t designed that way. He’s a walking tragedy constantly in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets caught in the middle of a fight he never asked for over and over again.

—

I also don’t see a ton of protagonists like him, so if you’re going to write one, or even a cowardly side character who audiences aren’t supposed to hate, I’ll synthesize the above points here:

Give them a valid reason for why they’re selfish, some reason that might have anyone else in their situation probably making the same choices

Make it clear that they are wrong, and that their own cowardice is their largest hurdle, and that either the plot or other characters don’t let them get away with it

Give them positive traits to balance out the cowardice. Maybe they’re kind, or they’re funny or they’re clever, but audiences do need something to root for

Give them agency. They can’t sit around like a bump on a log being a burden to the plot and the other characters. Even if they’re only in it to save themselves, they still have to work to accomplish that

Bonus option: Give them somebody else to shed their cowardice for, especially if they pick the absolute worst moment possible to suddenly become a hero

—

If you’re interested in Elias’s story, the first book in the planned trilogy is out now: Eternal Night of the Northern Sky

[stromuprisahat]

I love your takes on the grishaverse so I was wondering what you thoughts was on the theory/headcanon that Alina didn’t really lose her powers but unknowingly locked them as she did before the books’ beginning? Maybe there was a period where she couldn’t summon light bcs she was too exhausted and stressed out by the whole ‘final battle’ thing – banishing thee Fold, Mal’s ‘death’, Darkling’s death – so she assumed she had lost it. And then it was easier to unknowingly continue like that bcs it allowed her to remove herself from ruling and making any decisions and just have her simple co-depended life with Mal as she always wanted.

Personally, I don’t think that’s what happened in canon (certainly not what Bardugo meant) but I find it feasible as fanon interpretation, considering how depressed and deluded Alina appears post-RAR.

I'm more leaning into the explanation, that she intentionally, yet subconsciously rid herself of them (and maybe revived Malyen, when we're at it, since the second life bullshit is just that- bullshit that doesn't make sense, since no other amplifier's running around the same way. But then again- I'm very skeptical, when it comes to Malyen actually being one- he has no properties others do.).

Alina recognizes that as long as she's Grisha, she won't be able to be only with Malyen, and she already admitted she's trying to mould herself into whatever he seems to want from her.

Merzost doesn't seem to be random- it's driven by intention. Ilya "upgraded" mythical animals to have certain properties, Aleksander fucked up first, but then managed to find a way to actively protect his people, when in situation his powers weren't enough. Alina lost what made her special, but since her goal wasn't finished yet, other Sun Summoners sprang into existence and fucked up destruction of the Fold, because it's merzost-made, therefore logic tells us ordinary Small Science shouldn't be enough to vanquish it.

It's true the previous time Alina worked with merzost, her powers "disappeared" for a while, but the "magic" also isn't working from nothing. No matter what we're told, there is a cost, some input. It's not "pure creation". We can see it, when Sasha makes nichevo'ya- he's using his own essence, his life force or whatever want you to call it, to draw them into existence, so Alina would need ~something~ to distribute her powers among others, and the amplifiers are just that- they amplify, wider one's range, not give a new ability.

Besides- there's the question of what grandpa Ilya wanted. If he aimed at Grisha being accepted, instead of othered, why would he take away from one the give to more. It might look pragmatic, but the range is too limited and even if he created such "tools" over and over- he'd only make a new caste of "once-Grisha", instead of levelling the playing field.

One of my fellow fans also pointed out that if merzost is magic, perhaps Alina used it to become an ordinary otkazat'sya. I don't believe so. She might've made herself to appear as one, but after all those books spent reading how is being Grisha integral part of their being, something that makes them themselves... looking at post R&R Chapter 17 Alina isn't looking at slightly more traumatized Alina that can't summon the Light because it's not a part of her. It's looking at a husk of the girl, just like the ends of previous books, when she was suffering due to missing her powers on physical level.

And her lack of skill, when using merzost previous time would support it. She locked away her powers and her hair went white the first time. She got rid of her Light, but her body "remembers" it's missing something.

edit: Also- thank you for (positive) feedback, I'm not being rude, I'm just an social idiot with totally not ADHD, so I get focused on "the point", and forget the social stuff like greeting and replying to nice words, which ARE very motivating for me, but HERE'S THE STUFF I'm thinking about and my brain's coming up with coherent answers- LOOK!

[annabtg]

Anna, you’re so right(i love you). It’s so annoying that all these woke yaoi-shipping sjws have taken over the fandom. You cannot put characters like James and Sev through modern lenses(“Snape was a child abuser” teachers were allowed to hit students with rulers at 90s british schools but being a little mean to a troublemaker makes you satan🙄) and understand them fully. You also cannot make James Potter into a bisexual adhd-having MOC and keep true to his character(everything about him relays on him being very privileged in society)

Love, an old man.

I don't know how you can read this post and conclude that my problem is "woke, yaoi-shipping sjws"? My problem is, like I said, the complete lack of reading comprehension skills, of creative and analytical thought and of the ability to empathize with the characters.

Indeed, modern social media seems to favour performative activism, but that's not what fanfic suffers from. I've engaged with fandom enough to understand that the prevalence of non-nuanced takes comes from younger fans who have grown up in a world massively different from the one I grew up in as a millennial with boomer parents.

Nevertheless, I don't think you're doing it right either, my love. Teachers might have been allowed to hit students with rulers in the 70s (they weren't allowed in 90s Greece, though, and I have been informed neither were they in the UK) - and an example of a strict but good teacher in the books is Minerva McGonagall, who would dole out harsh punishments and use her sharp tongue on students, but still gives you the feeling that she cared about them and loved them. That kind of "tough love" was how boomers took care of their kids. Not Snape, who had beef with a student because he didn't like his father. That's fucked up. But the thing is that Snape is supposed to be unlikeable and mean and come off as the villain, to make his arc all the more surprising and impactful. He's supposed to be a fucked up dick who works for the side of good, because the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters.

As for James, I don't think his portrayal as a bisexual ADHD-having MOC is inherently incompatible with his character, even if it's not the authorial intent (indeed, James is supposed to be the picture of privilege). For instance, one aspect of HP I find fascinating is how being a POC doesn't descend into racism in the books - I think there's one single instance of it, where Pansy tells Angelina she's got worms on her head, but that's obviously Pansy being a dick, and other than that there is no casual racism thrown about to people like Dean or Lee or Cho or the Patils. Whether their portrayal is nuanced or stereotypical is a different discussion, but I think it's obvious that we're supposed to take out that if you're a racist wizard, it's not colour that matters, it's blood. James Potter could reasonably be a POC and it wouldn't matter at all in the world he lived in.

That he would struggle with ADHD or sexuality is also not implausible, and in fact I think it makes for very compelling portrayals of him to be going through that in an era-adequate way. Have people around him be annoyed because he just won't sit still, show him confused by his attraction to Sirius and downplaying it with semi-homophobic remarks. I'm personally not so much a fan of a Hogwarts that reads like you're at Pride, but it was the era of hippies, after all?? I think that Hogwarts would be on the conservative side of things, but at the end of the day it *was* the time when queerness started to gain visibility and I understand how people feel at liberty to use that. Everyone seeks to connect to these characters through fic to some degree; for me, who grew up as a gifted (and probably undiagnosed autistic?) kid in a conservative society, the canon portrayal of people like James and Lily and Sirius at Hogwarts resonates enough to keep me intrigued.

I don't lament people trying to project their own struggles with queerness or mental illness or idk just the fun conversations they have with their friends on the Marauders and Hogwarts; what bugs me is when it's being done in a way that cancels canon aphoristically, and you're suddenly idk toxic for shipping Jily because "James was an abuser and Lily had Stockholm Syndrome" - that's not what happened. Showing off like a peacock was the men's standard flirting technique, and playing hard to get was the women's standard flirting technique, and even with that Jily contains a LOT of nuance - and frankly, even through a modern lens I find it very difficult to miss if you have the first idea of reading between the lines. Which is why I keep saying: lack of reading comprehension skills and critical thinking beyond understanding straightforward text messages and cheap quips is the bane of these readers' existence (or, you know, our existence, for having to put up with it).

[winpocalypse]

https://www.tumblr.com/winpocalypse/772196248762679296/still-thinking-about-your-tags-on-this-post-dean?source=share

(god this is so long im sorry i just have many thoughts on wolves and wolf dean)

"captive / badly socialized wolf dean" YES!! it rings soo true to how his formative years was a family structure that was very militant and constricting in nature with him dividing the world into hunters/civilians/monsters and he'll remain captive to this role and make sure sam is ducked into the same enclosure as him too

also love that you mentioned that wolves in the wild do not fight unnecessarily (the alpha wolf myth buster was honestly the best thing ever) . It's also been observed that sometimes dominant wolves will display passive submissive behaviour to maintain the harmony in packs. it does not affect their hierarchy because the claim of natural dominance is inherent. no posturing needed.

ok so normally im a deersam&wolfdean truther but

I'm wondering if you've considered sam&dean as a sibling pair? (and here's how my wincest agenda can still win)

so naturally there are 3 main types of wolf dynamics right? family with a breeding pair and kids (or more), the lone wolf, and lastly the pairs. normally these are breeding pairs before kids but sometimes, siblings tend to stick together even after leaving the pack to form their own. Usually these pairs suffer due to lack of resources but some extremely competent pairs make it by hunting and watching each other's back (!). they offer mental support to each other and can stay together for Years until they find mates (sibling mating rates are negligible in the wild cause of genetic avoidance)

but there's 1 exception. and that's captivity. sibling pairs in captivity don't have access to or form connections with other wolves outside their immediate family. sometimes they even emulate their version of a family and these families (as u mentioned) cannot leave each other and are much more "stable" due to less disruptions from external factors. (generally this includes pups)

so i guess im saying captive sibling pair samdean imitating some version of 'family' that somehow works for them (or well, at least dean says it does)

this is everything!!!!!!!

It's also been observed that sometimes dominant wolves will display passive submissive behaviour - yes!!!! and i love that, because it shows dean's complete lack of proper social skills. he needs to reaffirm his role again and again and rarely he takes a step back to avoid conflict. when he does, it's to avoid "unnecessary" talks, but it builds and builds until it explodes some other time. we see sam desperately trying to reach out sometimes, talk about their situation, and dean just stands by his unsocialized ass. we even see john do that (the 'submissive' behavior), i know people like to interpret him as a crazy violent father, but he did take a step back once in a while, but he is fairly messed up in his communication skills as well, as we see with wolves when one of the parents die, the pack loses structure, and he was not able to teach proper behavior by himself, and because they're lacking, he shows a lot of dominant traits to compensate and that is what dean observes the most

if you've considered sam&dean as a sibling pair? - now i have and i love it!!! the thing that is most delicious about this is something you mentioned as well: wolves avoid incest. they bond, they play, they care for each other, older siblings even regurgitate food for the pups (and ain't that a image), but the kind of monogamous commitment we see in a breeding pair? that's something else, that's not at all natural for siblings. so for sam and dean to reach that kind of codependency? it has to be such a messed up foundation, such a deep unstable ground that they gotta balance themselves in. sam, though, he had a wild wolf mentality (he's self-taught), he understands loyalty, he understands family, but he's not afraid to go find his own, but just like you said beautifully

he'll remain captive to this role and make sure sam is ducked into the same enclosure as him too

yesssssss

so dean doomed sam to pair with him for life, i would say he even built the enclosure himself and after a while, sam understands he can't get away

they remain as captive, but they remain as family <3

[starry-skies-116]

One thing that I think I want to establish in my Transformers AU is that literally all the techno-organics are just neurodivergent queer kids that are positively unhinged.

Sam is reclusive, eccentric and introverted, coming across as aloof and withdrawn. Yet he's compassionate and reliable, possessing all the true qualities of a leader- so much so that when he finally does start to see his merits, he's desperate to maintain those images to the point of overburdening himself constantly. He constantly builds walls between himself and his emotions, as he struggles with feeling and confronting them.

Jackson is passionate and precocious to the point of recklessness, always rushing into danger headfirst and acting without thinking of the consequences. However, as a scientist, he always learns from his mistakes, and his compassion and willingness to help changes those around him for the better. He's artistic, curious, cunning and ambitious- one who gets themselves into trouble often has to learn to get themselves out, after all. The problem is that years of loneliness and social ostracization have made him too self-reliant, to the point where he struggles with accepting love.

Sari, like Jackson and Sam, always seems to have her head in the clouds. She's altruistic, competitive and brave, acting like the 'youngest' of the group- she's able to adopt new skills quickly, determine other's problems, and has a passion for a variety of art mediums. She doesn't allow other people to diminish her skills or contributions, and grows frustrated when she sees Jackson and Sam take this kind of mistreatment lying down- she's essentially the emotional glue of the team, encouraging the rest of the team to be more honest with themselves and to more authentically express and communicate their true emotions and desires.

Noah (who is considerably younger in this AU- around his teens more specifically) is confident, impatient and blunt with quite the temper, never placing faith in other people and growing frustrated with shortcomings and misunderstandings. Similar to Sari, he doesn't tolerate any disrespect towards himself or those he cares about, sharply correcting any attempts to do so. He's vehemently anti-authoritarian and doesn't care about social status, even acting openly defiant towards the Maximals. He also suffers from a deep lack of empathy towards other people- however, he finds other ways to express his care for those he loves.

And as for what they have in common? Well, they're all nerds that hyperfixate on different things, ESPECIALLY pieces of media. They're all researchers and scientists that are hungry for more. They've all suffered some kind of past trauma. They're kids that struggle with being honest with themselves, with letting people in and swallowing their pride. They struggle with believing in themselves. They're lonely- they've always felt alone in the world. So when they find each other? They realize that maybe the universe isn't such a lonely place after all.

Also, they would definitely act like siblings that grew up together for their entire lives- even if they only knew each other for a day.

[warden-melli]

I got to thinking, since Melli is all the way up at the top of the mountain then not much people will be able to visit him. A lot of strange things must happen up there, ghosts(not pokemon) might be up there due to people dying to the dangerous environment. What if people aren't really allowed up there is because some start to become insane? What if Melli starts to become insane?

I like to think of this whenever I want to imagine a Evil Melli AU :) also I'm tired at the moment so i apologize for any mistakes in my grammar.

Moonview Arena is also right next to a graveyard, on a mountain littered with ancient ruins 👀

A ghost/haunting/possession story with Melli, set up on the mountain sounds like it could be a really cool idea! I personally would just be a bit careful using words like “insane” as a synonym/analogy for being “evil”, because it could reinforce the harmful stereotype that people living with certain mental illnesses (particularly psychosocial disabilities) are dangerous or violent. But I think if handled respectfully this could be a really cool au, and I’d be interested to hear more about it ^^

My own personal headcanon is that Melli, in addition to being a Warden, is also tasked with being the caretaker of the mountain graveyard, and that he inherited the position (as well as the Electrode Warden job) from his uncle after he passed away. I kinda imagine his whole family having a bit of a spooky vibe, filling roles associated with death within their community. At least on his mothers side. In my version of Hisui, Melli’s grandmother is the Diamond Clans death doula, providing care and spiritual guidance to people who are dying, and performing the clans mourning/death rituals after someone has passed. She has an ancient Skuntank companion, whose poisons are used as medicines to help ease the pain of those suffering during their final days. His mother is a jeweller/artisan, crafting memento mori and shrines/memorials so that people can remember/honour those that have passed. As I mentioned earlier his late uncle (in addition to being Lord Electrodes previous warden) would also care for the graves, assisted by his beloved Hisuian Typhlosion partner. With Melli’s design/outsider status and his association with poison/dark types, it felt natural to pair him with darker roles/themes when I first began to imagine what my interpretation of his backstory/family might be like.

I agree with you that due to the location of his job, Melli would spend a lot of time isolated up on the mountain. (Another personal headcanon - his isolation also plays a part in his lack of social skills). Anything could happen so far away from other humans. In a place like Hisui where ghost pokemon roam the land, as well as implied/confirmed encounters with human spirits (Vessa) being a reality, I think your idea is very compelling. I imagine Hisui and it’s clans to have rich and spiritual cultures, including many different myths, legends and superstitions surrounding the supernatural, and it would make sense that some of those stories are cautionary tales about people becoming possessed when travelling alone in the mountains. It would be very cool to imagine what would happen if those stories came true :)

[discet]

So an earlier post of yours talked about how the show ignored a lot of Marcy’s baggage when it come to her going back home. To be frank, in regards to Marcy’s arc, I feel like the the theme of change becomes…dogmatic? I don’t know how else to put it. As you said, the last thing she did in true colors was save sprig and get the plantars to safety before getting stabbed, but the show ignores all that to focus on her misteaks. Marcy is severely punished for not wanting to change, and is blamed for all the suffering she endured. Her accepting change is treated as a cure all for her trauma, and all the signs that her parents aren’t good to her are just forgotten about. I apologize if I come across as too negative.

Naw I think we're on one mind on this.

Ultimately the core issue with Marcy's arc, when you brush everything else aside, is that she was created as a plot device first and a character second.

Marcy and Sasha are both used to show Anne(and the audience) the dangers of refusing to accept change. Sasha represents how this can push someone into toxic behaviors, while Marcy represents how how this can push someone into denial. Salt and analysis below

Sasha is stuck on the past; refusing to let go of her control of the group and the dynamic they've had since forever. She does stuff far more heinous(trying to kill Hop Pop/Sprig) and betrays Anne's trust(Reunion, True Colors especially) However, Sasha is given a chance to grow from her mistakes and be better. Earn that redemption and change. Allowing her to come full circle on her arc.

Meanwhile, Marcy's fear of change is of losing the only friends she has ever had coupled with the fear that she lacks the social skills to find new ones. Marcy kidnaps her friends out of desperation and doesn't come clean about it out of fear. Both of which are very human mistakes born ultimately of attachment.

Marcy is disproportionately punished by the narrative for her actions. She is not given an arc to prove she has changed. She is not given the opportunity to effectively combat the forces that hurt her and threaten her friends. Outside of the journal, her removal is not mourned by the narrative. Anne and Sasha barely spare her fate more than a thought between the two of them until it's time to confront Andrias (Yes, I know this is not the creators fault, it was Disney's, its still a flaw in storytelling).

Marcy was used as an inciting incident, a plot device to find the temples, a plot device to give Andrias the box, a plot device to push Andrias' arc forward, and then was not effectual at any point in the finale. (Her internal battle against the core does not impair it, her super calamity form ultimately does not save anything as as cool as it is).

I will end on one thing I do really appreciate about this mess though. As much as I am not a fan of separating found family at the end of the adventure trope, I think there is some really great mirroring going on with where Marcy started and where Anne and Sasha finish. Anne and Sasha are forced to say goodbye to the people they care about in Amphibia, the same position Marcy was in with the both of them at the start of the series. They have to make that same hard decision to move on and accept that change.

Like, I have mixed feelings about its execution, but as a storyteller I can really appreciate the full circle ness of it.

Bluh. Frustrating. Thanks for the ask though, but I'm gonna go work on the awiw AU for a bit.

[atopearth]

Norn9: Last Era Part 9 - Akito Shukuri Route

Akito and Senri's story really breaks my heart, so seeing the young them hide from the villagers and Akito trying his best to protect Senri when he's just a kid too makes me want to cry. He was such a good brother but he just couldn't win against greedy, evil and terrible adults. The worst thing about it all is Akito is too kind. He considered the adults' desperate circumstances but they never thought about his or Senri's and that's the main reason I go f them. Even though Akito doesn't always show it, he always thinks about other people's feelings. What I love most about Akito will always be his love for Senri. He's willing to give everything for him to have a safe and happy life. He'd rather take on the burden of the powers even if it kills him just so Senri won't have to suffer. He's too kind and so resolute that it's amazing. I will always love the scene where Akito grabs Nanami's hand when she's falling because it's the first time they properly convey their true feelings properly to an extent, and you can see from Akito's perspective that they're both similar in that they both are willing to die for something "good" if it helps others because they hate themselves for what they did in the past.

LMAO Akito is so silly😂 He doesn't like Koharu because he doesn't know what to call her😂 Calling her first name is too much for him, adding san is too weird so he just avoids talking to her lmao😂 It's sweet to see Itsuki and everyone being so thoughtful and considerate towards Sakuya after Mikoto went missing, really goes to show how much everyone cares for the other. It was nice that the dream helped Akito realise how young Nanami was when she was forced to erase Senri's memories, and to finally realise how truly fragile and sensitive she was and still is. I remember really liking how protective Heishi is in this route and how he told off Akito for being so mean to Nanami all this time and I guess I just enjoy seeing Heishi's serious side. Thinking of regrets and pains of the past, Heishi is right that what you feel right now always feels stronger than the past, and that we have the future to look forward to. I'm not sure how much I look forward to the future but it is true that if you can make the person appreciate and love the present, the past won't feel as painful because you're there for them. Akito's conviction to stay beside her forever because she's scared that he'll leave her someday is so cute. I can see why Akito is scared that Nanami is only staying with him out of sympathy and guilt considering how she's been acting since the beginning though. They're still so cuteee though. It always breaks my heart to watch the moment Senri loses his memories of Akito because he's talking about him so happily, it just makes me cry. Senri and Akito didn't deserve to suffer like that😭 I loveee Akito's kisses, I find them so gentle and sweet, and full of love!

Kakeru is right, having Akito take care of meals definitely ups everyone's standards for a partner because dudee, Akito is so observant and considerate to make vegetable soup for Kakeru because he noticed he hasn't been feeling well and should have something light, like excuse me, where is this man in my life🤣 OMG, Akito blushing while saying he'll try to come home as fast as he can has got to be the most adorable thing everrr! Akito really is too kind. He's supporting Nanami, Senri, Koharu and the recovering Kakeru, but it's so him to do all that and think that it's to be expected. I feel sorry for Kakeru that he feels so guilty about hurting everyone when he was brainwashed when it's not his fault at all and no one really got hurt. It's funny how Akito and Senri so similarly lack social skills to the point that even Senri complains about him because he refuses to call him by name haha! Silly brothers. Akito shyly telling Nanami she doesn't need to feel jealous because he loves her is the cutest thing ever. The wooden box Senri carved for Akito is so exquisite and beautiful, I felt so touched for him. Akito crying from happiness is the sweetest, it makes me so happy for him. I honestly really enjoyed seeing Senri getting so mad when he thought Akito sold the box he made for him and I like how he confronted him about it, they really are progressing! Obviously it was to see if people would buy it so Senri could make a business out of it and give Senri confidence in his works. It really was great to see them communicate so much better, especially Akito. The way Akito so genuinely and unintentionally shows and tells Nanami how much he loves her makes my heart feel so satisfied. Akito doesn't need pretty words to win girls' hearts because his rough, honest and genuine words will always win Nanami's heart and everyone else's, guy or girl haha!

LMAO at Kagami saying Akito is going to transcend into a grandma at this rate because he cooks everything well, presents it well and even knits🤣🤣 Senri being good at craftwork because he used to make straw dolls and stuff to curse people is hilarious. I'm glad Akito stood up for Kakeru when they were contemplating why he left because he definitely did it because he thought it was time for him to find his own way in life, he's not the type to run away, although I do still feel sad for him that he was partnered with Koharu in this route but she chose Senri😭 I love how respectful Akito is, and how he really wanted to wait for Nanami to talk about what was bothering her herself but ended up asking her because he couldn't stand seeing her so distraught. I love the CG of Akito cradling Nanami in bed, it was so sweet and heartwarming how he reassured her that she didn't need to worry about her father and that they could always run away. When Akito said there's nothing more miserable than not being able to picture your own happiness, I wanted to cry because you could see how well he could bring happiness to Nanami, but at the same time I wanted to cry because I really don't know what the picture of happiness is for me anymore. It was unsurprising that her father and them would come when they're in a vertically secluded beach house but I didn't realise how much the Shiranui family wanted to get rid of her just in case she uses her powers against them. It seems like her father is genuinely concerned that Akito is only with Nanami for revenge but honestly, her relationship with her father is difficult to repair, but I'm glad Akito was able to voice to him that he loves Nanami and isn't with her for revenge, because as Nanami said, he's too kind to be thought of like that. The showdown with her father may have been anticlimactic but I'm glad it went much more amicably than expected. Even though I personally think there's no reason why they should push to get married especially considering Nanami is only like 16 but whatever floats their boat I guess. I mean, Akito is very straight-laced so I guess if she's living with him, he wants her to be his partner formally.

Lmao at Nanami telling Akito to not sweat the small stuff or he'll go bald🤣 Trust Nanami to have a dictionary as reading material🤣 It was so funny when Akito said she better not be looking at the world bald when she said she was looking at a word related to him😂😂 I find it so funny that Nanami is going through bridal training with Akito as her instructor🤣 I mean, he's definitely the best but it's so cute hahaha. I understand why Nanami wants to help out more and learn to cook for Akito but I also understand that Akito wants to spoil Nanami and doesn't want her to have to strain herself especially since she's not a morning person so making breakfast can be difficult. I gotta admire her dedication to stay up all night just so she can "wake up early" and make breakfast lol. LMAO, I knew the thing bothering Akito had to be some kind of bird customer but that Blue Bird costume was wild🤣 I love Nanami, it was so funny and cool of her to disagree that she's useless (even though she's been feeling inadequate) and then saying she wants to be worthy of Akito's love, the best part was when she shredded that 3 million yen made bird costume to protect Akito🤣🤣 I like how they both subvert the traditional masculine and feminine roles but try their best to "fit" them because they think that's what they should do but in the end, what's important isn't catering to gender roles but being happy doing what you want to do. I'm so glad Akito finally voiced to Nanami how important cooking at home was for him, because seeing her smile eating his food gives him so much joy and I can totally understand that, he used to love cooking for Senri because seeing Senri so happily eating his food made him happy. It's so sad that Akito and Senri have to separate so soon, but I'm really happy for Senri that he can study under a professional carpenter and have something he's passionate about so it's good and I'm sure Akito is happy for him. I'm also really happy for Nanami that herbs is actually what she wants to do for life so she wants to become an apothecary! Akito's initial reaction to it was hilarious though hahaha!

Overall, I really loved this sequel! I loved seeing Senri, Koharu, Akito and Nanami live together. It was so perfect having both couples grow together whilst both brothers awkwardly tried their best to interact with each other more and bond. The sweetest moment was definitely when Senri made that box for Akito (that he's going to take to the grave with him lmao) and then seeing Senri get mad when he thought Akito sold it. It made me so happy to see that other than the daily interactions, they also had special moments where they both expressed to each other how important the other was and how much they cherished the other's thoughts and consideration for them. Seeing them get this far really made my heart warm and I love how Koharu and Nanami helped support these awkward brothers the whole way. Dealing with Nanami's father was inevitable but I'd say that other than seeing how cool, sweet and thoughtful Akito was, I didn't really care for it, because as Nanami says, he's not really a part of her life anymore. Initially, I wasn't sure if I liked Sunburst especially with how Akito refused to tell Nanami anything etc, but I think I enjoyed it because of how things resolved. They don't fit into the traditional gender roles but they both tried their best to in their own silly ways so it was nice to see them realise that what's important isn't adhering to how society wants them to be, but to just be happy together living they want to live. I also liked how this time it was Akito who refused to talk rather than Nanami so it's cute to see how similar they can be when it comes to being considerate but also how forceful they can get when they want to support and protect their partner. I really loved watching over them grow as people and how much fun it was to have all four of them live together. This is probably one of my favourite routes just because I love Akito so much haha!

[dolphin1812]

We’re back to light and dark imagery as we begin the Patron Minette digression!:

“For in the sacred shadows there lies latent light. Volcanoes are full of a shadow that is capable of flashing forth. Every form begins by being night. The catacombs, in which the first mass was said, were not alone the cellar of Rome, they were the vaults of the world.”

This idea of “latent light” reminds me of the light that was inherent to Marius in the salons. As a child, he carried “light” within him even as the shadows of royalism hid him from true knowledge, just as miners are able to find truth in spite of the darkness they work in. I also love that he adds that miners can communicate across mines! “Light” in one tunnel affects how another tunnel works, even if they’re supposedly separate. Hugo’s assumption that Christianity is part of this global “progress” is uncomfortable (especially given the history of colonialism), though.

The questionable aspects of this chapter increase as Hugo continues. Referring to people as “monsters” generally isn’t a good sign, regardless of what they’re doing. Although this is also uncomfortable, it makes sense that Hugo would categorize these people as the “blind,” being unable to see the metaphorical light of progress, but this implies hopelessness as well. This level is like a “burial” in that there’s no chance of escaping it, with the people trapped there never coming to the notice of others, as if they’d never been alive. Their lack of communication with other levels reveals that they lack social mobility, but it also means that they have no way of learning. To Hugo, community is the foundation of change. Miners on other levels may think themselves alone, but they don’t experience the complete isolation of this bottom level, and as a result, there’s hope. Without the possibility of true connection, these miners have no way of improving their lives.

The reference to Inferno is somewhat funny, as it elevates Hugo by placing him in the epic tradition that was (and is) venerated in European literature. Just as Dante placed Vergil in his work to show off his skill relative to him, so does Hugo allude to this work to demonstrate how skillfully he can guide his readers through the underworld compared to Dante. Moreover, it underscores just how bad this level is. For the most part, only those who Dante deemed truly wicked were in Inferno, and all of them were suffering there. This level must be really terrible to warrant a comparison.

[lilacs-and-lavenders]

I logged out and stopped playing early. Idk...I'm just bored...like I have no one to hang out with and talk to and sometimes it gets a bit depressing seeing other people hanging out and having fun together. Anytime I have tried to make friends and be kind to people I would always get treated like garbage. I have nothing but traumatic memories of people and how they all treated me like shit. Like wow...am I really that unlikeable? Why was I even born then? 😅

But seriously, though. While it is true that you dont need to have friends, life is more fun when you do have them. Right now...I'm just bored. Lonely and bored. Life feels so dull and pointless. Like?? What's the point to anything? Like you think you are living right and it's like "Okay God I cut off the toxic friends and the people who were bad influences so when am I going to have people to talk to or am I just going to be destined to talk to myself for the rest of my life?" And that is what I actually do. I have full conversations with myself because I have no one to actually talk to. I guess God wanted me to be isolated from everyone and not have any social skills. lol okay so that made me undeniably crazy. what was the point of that exactly? what is the point of me being here? to be a laughing stock to people? to be the butt of a joke? like why? what is the purpose of me being on this earth. I'm tired of everyday being the same thing over and over.

I feel like I dont really have much of a life nor much to offer. I can't work or drive because of my mental health and my inability to handle stress and my crippling anxiety. I have no social skills and lack the proper necessary skills to make connections and talk to people. Why the hell am I here? I'm just so bored with my damn life.

It must be nice for the people who do have friends and who do have relationships. You're fortunate. I'll probably never have that especially since it seems like God clearly doesn't want me to. I am wondering why I am even still serving Him. I know I shouldn't be envious of people or covet what they have and I dont want to but?? You arent exactly helping me not to now are you? I want friends...I want a relationship...I want human connection but I never get that. I just get treated like garbage like I am nothing and worthless. Its like each time I see people hanging out that is just the universe's way of telling me "yeah you will never have anyone or connect with them. you will never have that. they are fortunate and you arent". And where are you in this, God? Do you care about my suffering? You said in your word for us to delight ourselves in you and serve you and I have done that and even so with all of the time I have given you and all the times I have defended your name and honored you, I get nothing in the end but suffering. How is that fair?

I dont connect with anyone and any connection I do try to make always falls through the cracks and I have to do all the work while they lose interest and stop talking to me. Now I no longer trust anyone after all the betrayals and abandonment. My life just sucks and I'm tired of living it honestly. Like the people who treat me bad always have people to support them and help them but I get absolutely nothing but people telling me that "they dont enjoy being around me when I am sad". How is it that other people can get support and love and they dont even serve you and yet I get absolutely nothing when I am serving you.

I just dont understand this. God, I have served you and have made every effort to revere you but it just feels like you always want me to be lonely and suffering which is already horrifically bad for my terrible mental health. Do you even care? I know I am supposed to serve you and all but given the fact that I already suffer with my mental health, why do I need to have a lack of social skills, too? That just seems cruel of you. I am trying to trust you but I am beginning to lose my faith in you. I don't feel motivated to live this life anymore.

[one-tends-to-wonder-and-want]

Relizations 09/11/2024

Within the last month I started seeing a psychiatrist. While I haven’t been diagnosed with anything and thus won’t label myself, but I was told it could possibly be suffering from Bipolar disorder, specifically Bipolar I however it could also be some of my other mental mishaps manifesting into something similar. This appointment was scheduled due to my very abnormal sleep schedule and the concerns of my doctor and parents. I was diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school and Anxiety when I was in high school, however even then I couldn’t help but feel something was still wrong. I had the words to describe my problems but some still got caught on the tip of my tongue. Feelings and sensations I couldn’t describe. In preparation for my upcoming psychiatrist follow up to see if the mood stabilizers are helping I began to reflect. The new school year has brought new challenges and new problems to the forefront. I began writing and researching to try and figure out how to describe these problems, trying to dig deep and find the words that make up me inside my mind, heart, using google as a tool. I realized my symptoms could be related more to bpd rather than Bipolar as if one thing goes wrong at the start of my day my entire day could be ruined and one thing will send me spiraling into an emotional spin (however that may present itself) not to mention how my mood swings so quickly. However I've been on anti-anxiety meds and it's not helping with my anxiety. It's still very present and I still swing not to mention the sleep disturbances and the fact I don’t technically have any major trauma, not by law anyway. I did feel like a victim and hurt. I've never felt normal. Looking back I don’t think I ever was a normal kid. I've never thought like other kids, at some point it feels like I started lacking socially unlike other kids. I feel like an alien sometimes. Like were different species. Why can’t I feel things other people feel? Why do I feel things so much sometimes. Why do I go and go and go until I crash like an overused vacuum cleaner. Am I just burnt out? If that's the case then why have I always been so paranoid? Why does it feel like my brain has only deteriorated over time. My comprehension skills are lacking and soon fading, not only not on par with other people my age, but even with myself when I was younger. Why can’t I do it? Why can’t I do anything? Why do I feel stuck. No matter where I go my heart is stuck in a bubble I can’t pop. Sometime I get close, close to breaking the barrier, to letting myself free of the anxiety and whatever prevents me from being my fullest and best self. Sometimes I don’t want to pop it at all, sometimes I wish it were thicker and more opaque. However even then, do I even know what my heart holds? This bubble prevents even me from peaking inside, to feeling myself. I'm overly aware of the fact I am a brain, shielded by a skill, covered in fat and muscle, shielded by a layer of skin and nerves. I want to rip that skin off, to dig deep inside my mind and heart until I find my true self, or at least the reason for all my unexplained inner turmoil. Yet, I am also occultly aware, that if I were to try, I would come out with nothing but bloody hands and a sealed fate. At some point, I have to ask myself, if I even want to know why I am the way I am, or if there’s even an explanation at all. At the end of my contemplation, the result is the same. I am abnormal, overly aware yet blinded to the world, I am covered in skin and meat and bone and I want none-of it. I am confined in a form I do not like, not because of its appearance, but because of the way it feels and hurts, and causes me pain. I wish I could crack my skull open and set my soul free. But my head is not an egg, and I am afraid of the void. I am painfully human, but also something entirely different. A blob, a spark, a girl, a boy, an amalgamation of nerves and synapses and feelings. I am (redacted), and I am afraid, hurt, confused, exhilarated, angry, and everything in between, yet at the same time, I am numb to it all.

-A Stressed out College Student

[n4stasia]

A Silent Voice

Ughh... a tough one! Growing up with a disability, experiencing humiliation, systemic issues, school bullying, suicide, remorse — A Silent Voice has so many psychologically challenging themes. It's a one-of-a-kind anime, a must watch for everyone.

A Silent Voice addresses deep social issues that resonate not only among Japanese youth but also in other countries. Deaf Shouko has to apologize simply for not being able to communicate normally with her classmates; she feels guilty for causing them problems and accepts all suffering as deserved punishment. However, the story isn't as harsh as it may initially seem. As the plot unfolds, we witness the value of true friendship and love, the ability to forgive, including oneself. It's forgiveness, not love, that lies at the heart of this magnificent storyline.

The decision to primarily tell the story from Ishida's perspective in the anime is quite symbolic and ironic. Nishimiya was silenced both physically, due to her deafness, and emotionally, due to the trauma she endured. We never actually got her perspective up until she almost killed herself.

While this anime covers so many important themes, our primary focus is on discrimination. People with disabilities should never be excluded from society, starting from school where other kids should learn to accept diversity. It's awesome that Nishimiya attended a regular school. What was terribly wrong, however, was the severe lack of accommodations and inclusivity. Why did Nishimiya want to sing in the choir? Because she wanted to be part of the community and rightfully deserved to be there. Perhaps her desire to study as intensively as everyone else and to develop communication skills led her to a regular school rather than a specialized one. It's unfortunate that Nishimiya was not prepared for both social difficulties and the incompetence of teachers in supporting a weaker student.

One of the scenes that deeply altered my brain and broke my heart, was when a sign language teacher proposed learning a new way of communication with Nishimiya:

"Isn't it enough to use her notebook?" - Ueno "It's easier for Shouko-Chan using sign language" - Teacher "It's easier for me using the notebook" - Ueno

I'm not necessarily hating on Ueno character, which, being honest is quite hard. I just think it perfectly shows the ugly nature of ableism in the society.