#also a lot of people wouldn’t like me and I’d probably get in trouble

[artificial-condition]

.

[grison-in-space]

Listening to Artificial Condition again, it strikes me how much Murderbot uses empathy reflexively as a survival skill. Look at this bit.

Upon meeting it, ART allows it on board and then announces that it knows that Murderbot is rogue. Then ART threatens to destroy it if it hacks ART's own systems. Murderbot is immediately terrified and shuts down all inputs, gives serious thought to spending the entire three month journey unconscious, and then considers the potential avenues of damage from ART's drones. ART, not realizing why Murderbot had suddenly gone silent, tells it to quit sulking, which understandably pisses off the still-terrified Murderbot. It dumps a bunch of memories of coercive treatment into ART's feed, and ART goes silent.

Then this happens:

Then it said, I’m sorry I frightened you. Okay, well. If you think I trusted that apology, you don’t know Murderbot. Most likely it was playing a game with me. I said, “I don’t want anything from you. I just want to ride to your next destination.” I’d explained that earlier, before it opened the hatch for me, but it was worth repeating. I felt it withdraw back behind its wall. I waited, and let my circulatory system purge the fear-generated chemicals. More time crawled by, and I started to get bored. Sitting here like this was too much like waiting in a cubicle after I’d been activated, waiting for the new clients to take delivery, for the next boring contract. If it was going to destroy me, at least I could get some media in before that happened. I started the new show again, but I was still too upset to enjoy it, so I stopped it and started rewatching an old episode of Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon. After three episodes, I was calmer and reluctantly beginning to see the transport’s perspective. A SecUnit could cause it a lot of internal damage if it wasn’t careful, and rogue SecUnits were not exactly known for lying low and avoiding trouble. I hadn’t hurt the last transport I had taken a ride on, but it didn’t know that. I didn’t understand why it had let me aboard, if it really didn’t want to hurt me. I wouldn’t have trusted me, if I was a transport. Maybe it was like me, and it had taken an opportunity because it was there, not because it knew what it wanted.

The thing about Murderbot's survival is that it clearly involves quite a bit of negotiating with other constructs and bots. That's how it talks its way onto cargo hauler bots in the first place. It uses empathy--envisioning the emotional and cognitive context of the individuals it encounters--to work out what different kinds of people want, so that it can offer them fair trades. It also uses empathy to consider what humans might be looking for, so it can practice blending in and hide.

Murderbot would never have survived so long if it wasn't capable of assessing the individual desires of the people--human, bot, and construct--around it. It thinks about ART's probable fears and motivations so that it can consider whether ART is inherently an ongoing threat or a potential ally.

When your survival depends on evading detection, you get really good at assessing perceptual biases so that you can shape yourself to fit into them. People talk about murderbot being radically empathetic as a choice it makes, or as a feature of its personality that makes it a good person. But I think murderbot would be the the first person to tell you that this empathy is part of its threat assessment suite, a skill that was developed out of necessity in order to allow you to survive.

It is also a trait that makes murderbot a good person, of course: it chooses very carefully to try to survive by doing as little harm as possible and by offering things, like media, that buy it access to things it needs. But it started as a survival skill. It's part of hypervigilance.

I think one of the strengths of this series is that so many of the things we love about SecUnit are traits developed for survival in an inherently threatening world. The shape of its mind and heart have been changed by the trauma of its origin--but they don't make murderbot less good for being altered, even if that skill was developed in a traumatic context.

I like that.

[the-lambda-archives-ai]

“Okay. . . Background. . . I was a troubled kid, I’ll just get that out of the way, got into fights skipped school made a lot of questionable choices for my age.

I think it goes without saying I didn’t have a lot of friends, not my fault, my parents were shit, abusive dad and a pushover of a mom who just sat back and watched; I used to tell myself it was 'cause she was scared of him too.

Doesn’t matter anymore.

Let’s just say they didn’t take too kindly to finding out that their dearest daughter wanted to be a boy.

I was. . . on my own, I couldn’t stay at home, they didn’t want me to stay and neither did I; since my parents abandoned me I’d forced myself to go back into the closet, I was afraid that if I was myself people would leave.

Typically people aren’t too keen on letting an angry teenager with a shit load of baggage in, so I had nowhere to go.

Naturally, when I turned 18 I joined the army, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you about all the horrors of the military.

I’m let off 7 years later, and if you thought I had problems before, you wouldn’t know the half of it.

I was more lost than ever before.

Turned out I wasn’t the only one because a little while later I ran into a mate from the army in a bar, turned out we both were from the same little shit hole, and coincidentally both ended up in the same town; we drank, talked, and for the first time I felt like I wasn’t alone, I’ve never had it happen where I talked to a stranger and it feel like we’ve known each other our entire lives, it could have also been the alcohol that made it a bit easier, but we got on like a house on fire.

Adrian was the first guy who ever really understood me, who I felt comfortable around, hell I even worked up the confidence to come out to him, I was scared shitless but he obviously accepted me. . . heh . . .it’s funny ‘cause the moment after I came out, he quickly confessed he thought he was gay, it caught me so off guard that I laughed and said “way to kill the moment.” he said he thought it would make me feel better if he also confessed a secret.

I was lost, but now I had a friend.

I became an officer and shortly after he did too, for the first time in my entire life things were beginning to get on track.

We had a good. . . 6 years? without a major incident, which in hindsight it's crazy either of us made it that long without crashing into a tree or something, but well. . . obviously that didn’t last.

One of the guys from work invited us on a hunting trip, it sounded exciting, I’d never been hunting before and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna pass up an opportunity to get drunk in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of idiots! Adrian wasn’t as excited about it as I was and was more reluctant to agree, but I guess when he heard I was going he agreed to come along.

It was us and 3 other guys in Colorado for 3 days, first couple days were great, we hiked around the mountain, went fishing, shot a couple ducks, got temporarily lost, the usual fun you have camping, it was on the night of the second day I think, that one of the guys, Adam, said he saw something moving around the campsite, Clarke, another guy, whipped out his gun and shot it in the air without warning and said some dumb shit like “well it’s gone now!”.

He got yelled at for being a fucking dumbass, but we all kind of agreed it was probably a deer and long gone now.

Adrian woke me up that night, but in a fuckin- kidnap-cover-your-mouth style, I was gonna yell at him but before I could get anything out he whispered to be quiet.

I- I’d never seen him so. . . scared.

I nodded to him and he slowly let go and inched towards the tent door, I- I asked him what was going on but he just whipped around and glared at me, I kind of just shut up and tried to listen. . .?

I’d thought maybe a bear wandered into the campsite and he’d heard it or something?

We were sat there for maybe two or three minutes before I heard a- something growling. . . it- it wasn���t like anything- I- I need you to understand there is no damn animal in Colorado that could make that noise, it was so low but not like- a natural low, like it didn’t sound real?

It sounded like if you took a dog growling and edited it to the lowest possible setting and added a reverb? Something like that- it- it was so loud I thought that it was around our tent but. . . I realized it wasn’t when I heard Adam scream.

The next part was sort of a blur, something ripped into our tent, gunshots, and we both ran out into the woods, I- I wasn't focused on where I was going- I just kept running, like tunnel vision.

It was dark and cold and at some point I realized I wasn't wearing any shoes 'cause my feet were bleeding, I was completely out of breath and exhausted, I had to stop, I barely had a moment to breathe when I heard the growling start again, it wasn't close but it was loud enough that I knew it was near, and then the growl began to change, it slowly morphed into a laugh, and then it started coming from all directions, it was so loud it- that horrible unnatural laugh rang in my skull and I couldn’t move, I knew I was trapped and- that I’d die here, alone.

A gunshot pierced the woods and all at once the laughter stopped, Adrian emerged from the tree line holding a pistol, he was shaken up but began to make his way toward me. . . I should have known better than to let my guard down, but I was so happy to see his stupid face.

A figure jumped out of the trees at a speed that- I. . . I didn’t even have the time to process what was happening, I just turned over to look and it was on Adrian, he dropped his gun and the thing- it- it almost looked human but was so deformed- it was bloated in some places and skinny in others, its face looked charred, pitch black, the only things visible were its glowing white eyes and teeth- it kicked his gun away and I ran to go pick it up, when I turned back I was expecting it to try to stop me. . . That you know- me running would at least catch it's attention? But it didn’t. . . I turned back to see it mauling Adrian, it ripped into his arm and part of his jaw before I shot it.

It didn’t die, the bullet barely seemed to have affected it, but it was enough to drive it back into the woods, he- Adrian was bleeding. Bad.

I- I was so scared he’d die- I lifted him up and wandered the woods looking for the nearby highway, I walked with him for what felt like hours before the forest service found us, they were already on their way because they heard all the gunshots.

From there I guess I must have passed out because next thing I know I’m waking up in a hospital bed, I was well enough and practically jumped out of bed looking for someone to ask if Adrian was alright, but turned out he was in the bed next to me all patched up and sleeping, it’s weird, despite everything that had just happened, in that moment all I thought about was how we must have truly been inseparable if not even a freaky monster could break us apart.

I probably jinxed it. . . Adrian recovered alright and got a ton of gnarly new scars he covers up but. . . he wasn’t the same.

He became . . . obsessed with hunting down whatever that thing was. . . Metaphorically speaking, he’d never go back to those or any other woods ever again, but, he wanted answers, at some point he learned about the lambda institute and became unhealthily obsessed.

His hunger for answers was what began to drive a wedge in our friendship, the supernatural has him in a chokehold, and I don’t even think he realizes it.

Since his recovery he’s. . . spiraled. . . he’s obsessive, possessive, paranoid, and he does things without even thinking about the consequences, before all this happened he was the responsible one, one of our friends joked that I’ve basically become his babysitter, it was a joke but it’s sort of true.

I knew he was obsessed with the paranormal, but I didn’t find out about his fixation on the lambda institute 'till after yesterdays incident when he confessed about it after we left.

. . . He’s been put on mental health leave for a couple weeks, and he’s barely spoken to me since.

I’m getting worried- I’ve been worried, for his health, our r- friendship, but- now more than ever, he always comes to me for everything, but he’s been getting withdrawn, hiding things from me isn’t- he never does that; from others, yes, but not me, I’m- this is bad, I’m worried about what other things he could be hiding, he hid his obsession for months I don’t- I- I think he’s going to do something, something stupid, he’s gonna get hurt and I need to stop him but I don’t know how, I just. . . I just want my best friend back.

> Statement ends.

Pt 192 > here

Prev > here

[suzukiblu]

WIP excerpt for Cheshire behind the cut; Billy adopts Conner and it actually goes pretty good! (( chrono || non-chrono ))

Is that bad, maybe? That he’s this glad about Lynn being easy for him to like? He’s gonna take care of him the best he can no matter what, just . . . it helps, a little, that Lynn’s this easy to like. Makes it feel less . . . intimidating, maybe. 

Billy likes a lot of people, technically. He likes most of the other League members, and he likes a lot of people he’s met on the street, and he even liked a few of the kids he met in foster care, and obviously he’s always liked Tawky, but . . . 

But it wasn’t really easy to like most of those people, he has to admit. Not after . . . everything. 

He tries. He really tries. But it’s just–not always easy. And he knows it won’t be easy all the time with Lynn either, but . . . 

But it’s nice, just meeting somebody he likes right away. 

“Okay,” Billy says, glancing reflexively towards the windows even though he already knows what the weather’s like. They were just outside, after all, and even if they hadn’t been, the windows are big enough to make it hard to miss either way. “It is a good day for a walk, if you don’t mind another one.” 

“. . . sure,” Lynn says, just a little hesitant again. “Um. It’s . . . okay? To be . . . out that much?” 

“Yeah,” Billy says, wondering where he can even get as much lighter fluid as he’s gonna need to burn down a whole fifty-two levels of underground lab. That might be hard, kinda. Batman would probably wanna know why he’d bought that much, is all. Like, he’d definitely at least ask. Maybe Billy can figure out how ATMs work and just pay for it all in cash, though. That’s an option, anyway. Like, for plausible deniability and whatever. “You can be out as much as–okay, um, not all the time, but mostly as much as you want. Like, if it’s not bedtime or after curfew or anything like that. And, um, please take your phone when you’re out. Definitely take your phone when you’re out. No offense, just you’re still really little and you just got out of the lab, and I don’t want you to get lost or in trouble and not be able to get ahold of me if you need something, you know?” 

“You’d let me go out unsupervised,” Lynn says. It doesn’t really sound like a question, but . . . well, it still kind of sounds like a question. “And if I got in . . . trouble, you’d . . .” 

“I’d come get you,” Billy says immediately. “Or answer your questions or whatever. Whatever you needed.” 

“. . . okay,” Lynn says, shifting his weight a little. Billy wouldn’t really notice, except mostly Lynn doesn’t shift his weight like that. He’s really, really still, actually, and takes up as little space as possible for a kid his size. 

Billy wonders exactly how big that pod actually was, come to think. 

That’s . . . kinda depressing, as a thought. Thought maybe for Lynn it just felt, like . . . like being swaddled, or something? Babies like that, right? Well–he’s overheard people talking about that before, and the wisdom of Solomon seems to agree, so . . . maybe it felt like that, for Lynn. Like, safe and secure and–

Oh. Is that why he was in the closet for so long earlier? 

. . . Billy’s not sure if that’s depressing either. Well–not if it makes Lynn feel better, obviously, and if it is kind of the same idea as being swaddled, he’ll just grow out of it anyway, right? 

Billy definitely needs parenting books. Like–ones for teenagers and newborns.

“Do you wanna go now, or wait like twenty minutes for lunch to settle?” he asks. Little choices, he figures. So Lynn doesn’t get overwhelmed with a whole bunch of them or anything. Also, he still doesn’t know if Lynn did accidentally overeat, so just in case . . . 

“Um,” Lynn says, a brief flash of hesitance flickering across his face. “I–don’t know.” 

“Okay,” Billy says. Still better than a definitive answer that isn’t true, he figures. Like–way, way better. Like–the honest answer is always better, as far as he’s concerned, at least in this kind of situation. 

Lying to supervillains and bad guys is morally and ethically okay, like, eighty percent of the time at least. 

“Spit the difference and wait ten?” he suggests, and Lynn pauses for a moment, and then just shrugs. 

Again: still better than a definitive answer that isn’t true, so Billy’ll work with it. 

“Ten minutes, then,” he says, and then doesn't really know what to do with himself so just . . . goes and sits down on the couch again. They can maybe just talk a bit, he figures. They already had the “no” conversation, and that'll probably need to come up again because it's hard to change behaviors like that, but for now they can just talk about lighter stuff. Small talk or something. He doesn’t wanna overwhelm Lynn with a ton of serious stuff or complicated conversations all in one day. They’ve just met, and Lynn is so young. It’s just, like–weird, if he does that. Like, expecting way too much. Especially after Cadmus force-grew him and stuffed years worth of information into his head all at once. 

Billy thinks it’s fair to give Lynn a break, after that. More than fair. 

Lynn looks at his shoulder instead of meeting his eyes. Billy isn’t worried about it, but notices it. It’s not very subtle, is all. 

“Do you know what kind of books you like?” he says. “Or–well, stories, I guess. Or nonfiction. Or, uh . . . subjects, maybe. Maybe that’d be better. I just dunno how many stories Cadmus told you or if you even like stories, so . . .” 

“Cadmus didn’t tell me stories,” Lynn says. Billy . . . pauses.

[midnightsnyx]

beautiful things p2 | mat barzal

my masterlist & part 1 pairing: mathew barzal x singer!reader summary: the aftermath of the interview. warnings: not edited, a lil angst but mostly fluff! please let me know if i missed anything. word count: 972 author note: i refuse to call twitter X. also there are most definitely inaccuracies but i hope you guys like anyways <3

“Hey, we made it on People Magazine’s Twitter,” Mat says eagerly, and you look up from the journal you’ve been jotting lyric ideas in. He has an endearing and adorable smile on his face as he looks at his phone.

Still, you can’t help but look at him, titling your head slightly “You haven’t been in People Magazine?” 

He laughs but his smile doesn’t waiver. “Not all of us are insanely talented musicians.”

You roll your eyes affectionately and lean over to press your lips firmly against his. The past few months have been nothing but bliss, since you replied to his DM. You were scared to open your heart again after your last relationship but Mat has shown you thus far that if you find the right person, it’s okay to let someone in.

“I don’t know,” you tease, pulling away. “I’ve seen you with a guitar.”

He blushes and tries to hide it by kissing you again. You let him, mainly because you’re enjoying it but also because you don’t want to push. 

You’re floating in pure euphoria right now, enjoying every moment and you don’t want it to end. 

“You’ll come to tonight's game, right?” He asks, brushing a loose piece of hair out of your face and resting a hand on your shoulder. One thing that you’ve learned about Mat is how tactile he is. He always wants to be touching you somehow, whether it’s an arm around your shoulder or holding your hand.

“I wouldn’t miss it,” you promise.

. . .

You love coming to Mat’s games, but some of the girls are still iffy about you which is understandable. You’ve only been dating Mat for five months and you are also in the media which brings a lot of attention. Sometimes unwanted attention. 

You also love your fans but they have a love/hate relationship with your relationship with Mat. Also taking into account his fans, and sometimes it’s too much. Like tonight. 

Everything starts great, there’s not much trouble getting to the stadium, but there are always fans waiting to hopefully get to see a hockey player or get a picture before the game. Someone sees you and then you’re back on Twitter and not the good side of Twitter.

You manage to get to your VIP suite pretty easily, Iris and some of your other friends with you. 

“I’d say I told you so, but you’d probably fire me,” Iris says dreamily, staring at the jumbotron that is showing a live feed of you. You’re not sure if it’s something you’ll ever get used to. You imagine this is what Taylor Swift feels like when she goes to Travis Kelce’s games.

“You just did,” you reply dryly but there’s no malice to your tone. You know exactly how Iris is and you love her for it.

Your eyes go back to the jumbotron, looking to see if they show Mat. You think you can see him on the ice from your current view, but you’re never sure unless he looks up and waves. 

“I’m glad I did, though,” you say and she looks at you for clarification. 

“Message him back. You were right.” 

She doesn’t say I told you so, or say any funny comeback. She just smiles and nods towards where the game has started. 

It’s a tight game and you’re on the edge of your seat for most of it but the Islanders win in overtime with a victory of 2–1, with Mat scoring the overtime goal. You watch the team celebrate on the ice before they head back to the locker room and you pull your phone out, shooting a quick text to Mat letting him know you’ll meet him at his place. With your security and his postgame interviews, it’s usually best to just meet at either of your houses.

You’re sitting with a glass of wine, watching the highlights from other games when Mat gets home. You can hear him drop his bag by the door and toss his keys on the counter before making his way to the living room where you are waiting. Max, your golden retriever is sitting by your feet but his tail starts wagging when he sees Mat. 

“Hey pal,” Mat mutters, bending down to greet the pup before plopping down on the couch next to you. He sighs, staring at the ceiling like he’s thinking hard about something.

“Penny for your thoughts?” You ask, putting your glass on the table and turning towards him. He turns his head towards you and opens and closes his mouth a few times. You’re starting to get nervous when he speaks.

“Move in with me,” he whispers and you freeze.

“Mat-”

“Look, I know it’s only been five months but we spend all our time together anyway. We’re just bouncing between houses.” He reaches out and takes one of your hands, intertwining your fingers together. “Let’s make it one house.”

The thought of moving in together absolutely terrifies you, but when you think about it, he’s right. If he’s not away for games or you’re not doing shows, you’re together and when you think about the future, Mat is standing next to you.

“Okay,” you say and his eyes widen. 

“Really? I thought I was going to have to get on my knees and beg,” he says and you’re not sure if he’s kidding or not.

So you shrug. “You make valid points. Plus, I think Max would like not to be shuffled around so much.”

He grins and leans in to kiss you. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” you murmur when you pull away and then Max jumps up on the two of you as if he knows a decision has been made and Mat almost falls off the couch but you have never been happier.

tag list: @ilyrafe

[dark-frosted-heart]

Roger Barel Main Route - Chapter 2

As usual, can’t guarantee 100% accuracy on this. I’m doing this for archiving purposes and you can probably find a better translation out there.

Roger: …Yeah, last night was pretty hot, wasn’t it lil’ lady?

(N-no way…Me and Roger?)

Just the thought of what could’ve happened in bed set my face ablaze.

Kate: Thank you for bringing me back. I’m sorry for the trouble… But…to make a move on someone drunk

(Sure it’s my fault for not remembering what happened last night, but still…)

Unable to deal with this embarrassment, I scowled at Roger.

Roger: Sorry for any outrageous expectations you had, but I didn’t do any of that to you.

Kate: Right, I let my guard down and was eaten up…what? You didn’t…?

Roger: Yeah. The moment Ellis and I brought you here, you threw up.

Kate: …I threw up?

Roger: Yeah. Violently.

I froze, eyes wide, as I realized that something even more shameful happened.

Roger: But don’t you worry. Ellis had the sense to call a maid to undress you.

Kate: …Then why are you dressed like that, Roger?

(Also earlier…)

Kate: Didn’t you say that “last night was pretty hot”!

Roger: I was gonna leave after you fell asleep. But you grabbed my shirt like it was your favorite stuffed toy and wouldn’t let go. So I had no choice but to sleep here. It was “hot” last night ‘cause of your high body heat.

(Um…so that means I got drunk and caused trouble for others?)

Kate: I am so terribly sorry…!

I bowed on the bed while still wrapped up in the sheets.

Roger: …I thought so.

(You thought what?)

He suddenly grabbed my chin and our eyes met.

Kate: …??

Roger: Had been thinking about it, but…you’re like a dog.

Kate: Dog?

Roger: You’re just like my corgi back at home. He barks and yaps, digs his own grave, and makes himself sad. Just like you.

Kate: Wha?!

Roger: Haha, show me that pitiful face. I couldn’t see well without my glasses on.

Kate: Then put your glasses on?! Or rather, you’re too close. Please let go of me, now.

Roger: I get more fired up when someone tells me no or says they don’t want to.

Provoked, I was about to start whining like Roger’s corgi…when someone knocked on the door.

Liam’s voice: Kate, are you awake? I made breakfast that’s easy to eat after drinking if you want it?

Harrison’s voice: No response. I wonder if she’s lying dead inside right now. They say that the day after drinking a lot is dangerous.

Liam’s voice: What?! Kate, Kate, are you alive?!

I could hear Liam and Harrison from the other side of the door.

(They came to check on me because they were worried. B-but…)

I wanted to open the door, but I wasn’t wearing anything.

Worse…Roger’s here.

Roger: You’ve only been here a week, but everyone already likes you.

Kate: Now’s not the time for that!

(What sort of misunderstanding would they have if they saw Roger half-naked in my room…)

Liam’s voice: If anything happened to Kate, I’d…Sorry, I’m coming in.

Kate: Ah.

Roger: Haha. They’ve seen everything.

--

(...This is the worst)

To be honest, I wish I could forget everything that happened after the door opened.

When Liam and Harrison saw Roger and me on the bed, they froze like statues and I spent half an hour frantically explaining that “nothing happened last night between us.”

—Finally clearing up the misunderstanding, we sat down for breakfast.

Roger: Glad everything was cleared up, lil’ lady. The way you tried to explain yourself was adorable.

Kate: …And whose fault was it that I had to explain myself.

Roger: I wonder. Let me know if you find out?

(Ugh, he has a comeback for everything)

(I’d like to withdraw the thought that he was a mature older brother with common sense…)

And correct it to…Roger’s an extremely egotistical person who’s a bully, pushy, and treats people like dogs.

But it’s definitely thanks to Roger that this fruit sandwich I’m having for breakfast tastes delicious again and that I have the energy to argue.

(I don’t know if I should feel happy or frustrated)

Kate: Huh? Now that I think about it, it’s rare to see everyone together today.

Elbert: Yeah…Because Victor called us.

At that moment, light footsteps were heard coming into the dining room.

Victor: Good morning my beloved Cursed Ones and Fairytale Master!

Harrison: You’re too loud.

Victor: I’ve gathered you all here today to discuss something important.

(Discuss something important? What could it be…)

The usually cheerful Victor looked serious.

Victor: Am I making Kate work too hard?

Kate: ……Excuse me?

Victor: I’m the one that made you Fairytale Keeper and asked you to record Crown’s evil deeds! But I can’t possibly imagine the burden it must be to record all nine members. It was a huge oversight on my part. So we’re now going to have a contest for the rights to an exclusive Fairytale Keeper. Yay!

Kate: Exclusive Fairytale Keeper…contest?

Harrison: That topic came out of nowhere that it’s hard to keep up. In short, you’re going to be the personal Fairytale Keeper to one of us.

Kate: I see. Thanks for the simple explanation.

Liam: I want you to be my exclusive Fairytale Keeper. Then I’d always be with you.

Ellis: If you become mine…will you be happy? I’ll do my best then.

They each had their own motives, but were all interested and fought over the kind of contest.

Victor: Tada! I made this just in case something like this ever happened.

(This is…)

Victor: A fair and square ladder lottery*.

With the lottery, it was decided that the contest was going to be arm wrestling— 

Victor: And the winner is—Roger Barel!

Roger: Well, it was bound to happen. Their muscles are just for show. The only one looking bony was Ellis.

The tournament became everyone else vs Roger, with the goal of beating him.

Despite never taking a break, Roger won one game after another, winning them all.

Also Jude was given a forfeit since he disappeared half-way through.

Roger: Now then, lil’ lady. I wanted you to be my exclusive Fairytale Master no matter what, you know?

He looked at me so passionately that my heart skipped a beat.

(What reason did Roger want me to be his exclusive…)

Roger: Organizing materials and helping me with research and investigations…Research is a lot of work. I’m in a situation where I’m gonna a hand from a dog. I’m counting on you, Kate.

(Hm? …Dog?)

Kate: So you’re saying…you need a dogsbody?

That sly grin gave a clear answer…

(You are the worst…!)

--

A few hours later, Roger was in the palace office with investigation reports in hand, along with Victor and William.

Roger: Victor. These are the results of the analysis on the illegal marijuana seized during a recent mission that you asked me to do.

Victor: Thank you. Your quick work’s always a big help.

Roger:  By the way, I wanna ask why you rigged the lottery to arm wrestling so that I’d win.

William: Haha…see Victor. Roger’s a sharp man. It’s best to confess.

Facing blood-red eyes full of amusement, Victor held his hands up in defeat.

Victor: I surrender. I’ll confess. To tell you the truth, I’m still wary of Vogel. They publicly claim that they want to deepen our friendship, but I’m certain that they have other motives. Should they plan to harm us in any way… You know who they would go after first, right?

Roger: …Our lovely Fairytale Keeper.

Victor: Yes. Therefore I thought you’d be the best to protect her. You always keep your composure and you’ve got a strong arm.

Roger: Thanks. But in the end, it all depends on the person themself. I can only do so much.

William: Is that a no then?

Roger: No…I’ll look after her for the time being. Been needing a dogsbody you know?

With some sort of hidden meaning in his words, Roger agreed to their proposal.

Roger: Oh right, you can transfer the remuneration for the report later. See ya.

A steady man never forgets to mention that before leaving.

Victor: Roger really is a shrewd and rational man.

William: Vic, like Vogel, you haven’t revealed everything yet. …What’s the “other purpose” for having Roger and Kate work together?

Victor: Roger’s a strong man. Not just physically and mentally, but he’s also someone that can survive all on his own.

William: Perhaps. I’ve never seen him distressed or depressed.

Victor: It’s wonderful to be unshakeable. However—Unpredictable chemical changes is what makes life so interesting.

William: So you paired the two to satisfy your own curiosity? Ahahaha, you’re as terrible as ever.

Victor: You don’t need to tell me that. You know I’m not a good person.

William: Yes, to your very core.

–

After becoming Roger’s exclusive Fairytale Master, I was assigned to organizing his basement lab.

Kate: I don’t think this is in a Fairytale Master’s job description.

Seeing the books scattered everywhere and piles of paper on the desk, I glanced at Roger.

Roger: A Fairytale Master should get a variety of perspectives so that time isn’t wasted.

That’s a stretch

Are you trying to win me over? 

That may be true +4 +4

Kate: That…may as well be true.

Roger: Your honesty’s a virtue.

Kate: Did you say something?

Roger: Nothing. Come one, let’s get to work.

The lab was filled with an extensive amount of medical books, equipment, and chemicals that I’ve never even seen before.

(It’s pretty amazing…)

Roger used to be a doctor and had been treating the members’ injuries since joining Crown.

He still continued with his research and trials, and some of the books had difficult to understand titles.

(...What exactly is Roger researching?)

One by one, I picked books off a stack and shelved them by subject.

(Um, this is anatomy so…it goes here)

The moment I reached for the shelf, I felt a presence behind me.

(...)

The warmth on my back was obviously his pecs…

Kate: Roger, you can’t just go around touching someone just because no one’s around!

Sandwiched between the shelf and Roger, I wobbled around in place to face him. His eyes were narrowed in displeasure as he placed a hand on the top shelf.

Roger: You know you can stop treating people like starving beasts like you did the other day. I just wanted to get this book off your head.

(Um…so I misunderstood?)

Roger: Well…you do look pretty good though.

Kate: …

I gasped when Roger took advantage of my confusion and closed the distance between us.

…But then stepped away.

Roger: I quit. It’s gonna be too much trouble.

Kate: Future trouble?

Roger: Kate. Do you think romantic love exists in this world?

I’m sure every adult has thought about love.

But I’ve never thought about its “existence”.

Kate: I think there are people who don’t fall in love. But if you’re asking if it exists, it does, doesn’t it?

Roger: That’s the general consensus. However, I believe that romantic love doesn't exist in this world. What you call romantic love’s just a dysfunction of the brain or a misunderstanding caused by sexual desire.

I suddenly remembered the book I had picked up earlier, “Functional Anatomy and Maturation Process of the Brain”.

(Love can be explained through the brain’s structure, right…?)

Kate: But if romantic love’s not a dysfunction or misunderstanding…

Roger: There’s no rational explanation for it at the moment. You can’t separate love from human society, but it’s never been proven. I don’t believe in or value anything that can’t be proven through science or medicine.

Kate: So, then when you…

Roger: When I do it, it’s for release. Once it’s done, that’s it. We mutually agree on no repeats.

Kate: T-that’s to the point.

(But that’s typical of Roger with his rational mindset that doesn’t like pointless things)

Roger: Well, having said that, I’ll play with you for as long as I can if you’re fine with it. Ah, but you’ll have to keep it a secret from the rest of Crown.

His somewhat seductive smile sent my heart racing.

Kate: I’ll pass.

Roger: Haha, how boring.

Currently, my goal was to complete my job as Fairytale Keeper safely. There was no time to think about love.

(No one can predict how people fall in love with each other)

(Meaning it’s not impossible, but)

There’s no way Roger and I would fall in love…I think

—Yeah, biggest and only goal at the moment was to complete my job as Fairytale Keeper safely.

The day after I became Roger’s personal Fairytale Keeper was when my job started.

My first assignment…was to infiltrate a “death party”.

Next

-

*Stealing a tears of themis ladder lottery example

Dogsbody is British slang for someone who does menial tasks. Not related to a dog itself, but still kinda fitting?

[dudelymantits]

Tell us more about your Adler/Star pairing please 👀✨

Sure! Thank you for asking! As usual this ended up longer than intended oops

So originally a few months back a friend mentioned how there should be more Signalis rare pairs and one of the ones she ended up mentioning was Star/Adler. For some reason this one stuck with me and kinda marinated in the back of my mind until I started to flesh them out more.

They both are stationed at my totally normal radio outpost B-92 Becquerel, because of Becquerel’s smaller size this station’s work hierarchy is set up differently than S-23 going like:

KNCR-B9201: this Kranich is the main head of the facility, she takes the place of a Falke unit and has a lot of other things going on that are not really relevant to this post besides the fact she is eternally tired because of them and therefore dismissive of certain issues that she shouldn’t be.

The three “heads”: these guys oversee the three main sektors of the facility with each being, Radio/military, Research, and Civilian/other. That last category is run by our Adler!

ADLR-B9201 or Grey is a newer unit being commissioned after the death of the previous Civilian overseer gestalt, Grey handles most of our usual expected Adler paperwork and bureaucratic duites, but he thinks due to the other two guys being “lackluster” in their own ways Adler often finds himself having to pick up whatever technical work they “didn’t end up doing in time”. Grey wants to run the place nice and organized, but his gestalt coworkers and boss seemingly having better things to worry about they don’t care he has a larger workload than everyone else. He stresses over performance and often wishes he worked as a normal Adler unit with a more clean cut ladder, but here? To many variables and people he has to get along with.

Thing is that it’s partially his own fault, he wants everything ahead of schedule and obviously that’s not happening, and if he would just work at a more normal even pace and communicate with the rest of his coworkers a large number of his problems with his work environment would be fixed, or at least lessened. Basically he’s the last guy you’d want to work with, very controlling and wanting to completely change the place he works at rather than adapting to what already had worked there before.

This bleed into his personality making him just a ass to be around, “pissy little bitch” was what I called him for months, he was whiny and short tempered especially when things didn’t go his way. And this is where Star comes in.

STAR-B920?: Eloka is a pretty average star, higher ranking than most but not to the point I’d call her high ranking yk? Above average…! Eloka also likes to push buttons and see exactly what she can get away with. This is partly why she’s in the middle of B-92’s Star ranks, she’s pissed off the ones above her so much they wouldn’t dare promote her more than they already have but also they recognize she’s more skilled than the newbie’s and weaker stars. She doesn’t care for hierarchy like most Starlings, and therefore finds it entertaining to break their rules.

Eloka has a record for getting herself in a mess, with other Star, with other Protektors, with relationships, hell she probably has gotten stuck in the Ara vents or on the rooftop a few times. She’s pretty silly. So when the new Adler got stationed and she heard about his poor temper you know exactly what she started doing, fucking with him!

Pretty quickly this turned into a game of “how quickly can I get Grey mad today?” Typically with insults. She also gave him the nickname Grey rather than referring to him as Adler, which he saw as a disrespect of his authority, she gave it to give him because of his atypical grey chest plate. Now you may be thinking, if she’s causing so much trouble for a higher up wouldn’t she be decommissioned? Well this is where it goes back to the other two heads, basically they would all have to agree to the decommissioning of a Protektor and Kranich would then order it. So even if he wanted to and probably threatened to at first they both knew that was an empty threat. It wasn’t constant picking but slowly became more consistent.

At first they really hated each other due to this strange routine they developed for obvious reasons, but slowly Grey started to grow more used to it and became less explosive in his reactions and he actually started to like her interpretations, and she started to also get used to this pattern. The pranks got lighter and rather than her fucking with his office she’d rearrange the files in a less disastrous way, tripping him lightly, ruffing his hair etc. He still found these mildly annoying but when they didn’t happen their days didn’t feel complete.

Both were oblivious to their growing affection but started to be with each other more and more, Eloka finding reasons to be in his office and Adler finding reasons to be less of a dick and controlling because he actually had something else in his life now to focus on and was kinda forced to chill out. She also started to find his grey chest plate cute. and a small bet was started by the stars and eules on who would ask the other out first, some units put their bet on Eloka because she had a history of girlfriends before and was usually the one to ask them first, where others argued that because she usually was so blunt with women why hadn’t she done so with him yet?

I’m not sure who wins the bet yet, but I do have it that Eloka was flirty with Grey from the start originally for fun but later actually meaning it sometimes [he still is bad at picking out when it’s serious or not] he also started to return the small pranks and insults back now, and the flirting that came with that. After they actually get together I imagine it would remain mostly the same as before, but with them now exploring their new relationship.

I also feel like Eloka would talk to him about guns a lot, and him talking about his stress at work. I have a scene in my head of her just in his office talking to him while kicking her feet like a teen girl lol. This could lead to him getting more into weapons, but I also like the idea of him getting into computers as well. He’s still a workaholic but not as much of an ass so improvement for sure.

Other thing to note: I don’t think Adler’s need a Falke specifically to function, I think they need structure. The reason it’s painted as them needing a Falke is national propaganda. Adler’s I feel work very well with clear hierarchy which is why I made grey specificly hate the one he’s in. Also why you shouldn’t have multiple Adler’s in one place most of the time, they don’t work well in teams. Even for Adler’s like S-23 we see him have issues with the Kolibri’s in his notes, who I see as being on equal footing to Adler but handling different parts of the facility than him. Adler’s also don’t strike me as leaders, they are helpers and need someone or something to follow, and for a country like the nation why not make sure he follows your literal man made goddess? Someone made to embodied your ideals?

Oh yea no Falke at this station lol

If you read all this text ily

[makima4ever]

König HCs

OK THIS IS A HEAD CANON OF MY BBG <3 ILY

the picture broke, erm

When you two first meet!! ~ When you first meet him it’s on a joint mission as 141 and Kortac partnered up this one time to go track down a silly goober man who’s been running amok and causing trouble world wide!

König’s not too confident but it’s not like he will cave in to his anxiety that often…. you would probably get yelled at instead out of stress which wouldn’t put you both on BAD terms but it’s not like neutral

~ I’d say he’d feel a bit guilty for applying such stress even though he doesn’t have to feel such; He’s a Colonel for crying out loud!!!!! but the way your, and only your face seemed to shift under his voice made König feel guilty, just a wee bit!! Besides, you were used to having orders yelled or even barked at you so he shouldn’t feel anything!!!

but…. something about the way your face contorted slightly made him distracted the entire day after the mission

~ I’d feel he would be slightly avoidant of you originally, seeing as how you reacted to him…… he’s not wallowing in guilt but he doesn’t feel the best after making you kinda flinch at his voice since it reminded him of when people used to yell at him :,,, LIKE HE KNOWS, HE UNDERSTANDS HOW IT FEELS WHICH MAKES HIM EVEN MORE UPSET (NOOO)

Poor König he is completely aware of the fact too, but he doesn’t really know how to confront you without his mind overthinking and making himself think he’s ruining it all over again!!! könig’s mind overtakes himself a lot of the time, to which you silence with a gentle but firm pat on his shoulder!!

He’s more than shocked as you actually wanted to make physical contact with himself, as he was not only touchy starved but also- you treated him like a person!!!! Do they like me?

~ Once he does gets to talk to you properly he’s apologizing briefly or a little too much to which you gotta calm him down and make sure he’s not mentally screwing himself over. He greatly appreciated it and you as well.

~ Once you get to know him he’s not that bad :3 he’s js a bit silly :3 and maybe, but slowly getting whipped for you

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

If you were to be roommates with any of the NRC boys, who would you wanna be roommates with? Who would you not want to be roommates with?

Ooh, what a fun prompt 😂 I’ll split them into categories and then comment on my reasoning for them! (I’m responding for myself, not for my OC by the same name confusing, I know)

Side note: I know this question was limited only to the NRC boys but for funsies I’m going to comment on Neige, the Dwarves, Chenya, and Rollo who are also students 😂 just at different schools… Let me have this—

Absolutely NOT

♥️ — I would drop kick this kid the moment he starts to mouth off to me 😤 I also don’t trust him to not pollute our shared spaces with Axe body spray. Ace is basic enough to do that.

🦈 — Not a fan of people who flake on me or act fickle. It would be a massive inconvenience if Floyd promised to do something (for example, cleaning or making dinner for us roomies) but didn’t because he suddenly “didn’t feel like it”. I’d be forced to pick up after him or to change my schedule to accommodate, and that can very easily annoy me. Plus, if his own room in the game is of any indication, he doesn’t seem very tidy… @.@

🏹 — Too extroverted. I don’t want to be greeted with his dumb ol’ smiling face or French/j when I come home every day. I’d also live in fear of him watching me sleep at night or him just reciting details about me that he shouldn’t reasonably know (clothing sizes, what I did while I was out, etc.)

👑 — Look, I don’t want to deal with paparazzi or crazy fans following Vil home or something. That’s too much stress for me to take. On top of that, there’s nothing stopping an idiot reporter from printing shady gossip about Vil’s roomie being his secret lover… which could, in turn, attract hate from his followers. Please let me just live without worrying about this.

🦇 — MAN LIVES LIKE A HOARDER 😭 There are other characters with messy rooms, but Lilia literally has tons of miscellaneous stuff everywhere... Living with him also means I have to do the bulk of the cooking or risk playing gacha with my life when Lilia's allowed to be in the kitchen. Not only that, but I'd likely be spooked by him dropping on in at random times of the day--I don't think my heart could take it. Too much trouble for me to deal with on a daily basis.

***Bonus: Neige*** — Same reasoning as Vil. I’m sure he’d be cute and peppy + help out with the chores a la Snow White, but I still don’t want to deal with the stress of living with a celebrity and having to deal with potentially super parasocial fans coming at me just for the association.

***Bonus: The Dwarves*** — … I’m not running a daycare here 🤡

I’ll tolerate them

♦️ — Cater avoids being on my shit list as long as he doesn’t start begging me to be in his selfies and twisted Tiktoks or to do internet challenges with him. I’ll tolerate him if he gives me free food he got for pics but doesn’t feel like eating because it’s not to his tastes.

🦁 — Judging from how Leona has Ruggie doing a lot of his housework 💦 I feel like I'd also have to do the bulk of the housework to make up for what Leona doesn't do... Aside from that, I think I could tolerate his personality pretty alright??? I can force him to play tabletop games with me :v and get free veggies off of his plate... (He can have my extra meat, too much protein makes me feel sick.)

☀️ — With his kind of wealth, I don���t need to worry about Kalim paying his share of the rent and for shared items (in fact, he’ll probably just buy everything for us both) 😭 but I wouldn’t like Kalim always inviting a shit ton of people over to party… Another major con is that he probably needs to be taken care of since Jamil or other servants usually fulfill his every need, and I’m NOT about that. Him paying for everything somewhat balances out these grievances, but I have pride to maintain and I don’t want to 100% live off of someone else’s money.

🍎 — Nothing overtly offensive about Epel immediately comes to mind, but if this is pre-book 5 Epel then I don’t want to deal with his toxic masculinity. I could leech free apple products off of whatever his family sends.

💀 — I just KNOW this nerd would be up gaming late until like 3 am and loudly raging as he does it, but I'm a pretty heavy sleeper so I think I could put up with it (not that I want to, only if I have to). Idia wouldn’t be that much of a bother to me during the daytime (he probably just holes up in his room anyway)... And hey, free gaming partner, tech consultant, and someone to watch anime with (and then we can argue about who the best character is).

⚡️— Sebek is punctual and loud, so he's useful to have as an alarm clock (I have a tendency to sleep in). He can do laundry, move heavy furniture, and (most importantly to me) brew tea, all things which contribute to the household. But I swear, I SWEAR, if he opens his mouth to tell me why I should like Malleus, I'm going to move out ASAP.

***Bonus: Chenya*** — Chenya definitely feels like the kind of roomie that eats the food you left in the fridge and then claims he has no idea where it went (while there are incriminating crumbs around his mouth). His UM also has potential to make me feel uneasy in the same space (like… he could be anywhere x.x). The only reason I’ll tolerate rooming with Chenya is because he’s a cute cat boy.

Acceptable

🌹 — Riddle’s just... okay. I can see myself getting irritated whenever he's being a stickler about certain rules being followed or things having to be done a certain way (since I hate being told what to do). Then again, I'm also a stickler for certain things (like no outdoor shoes inside the house; always wear house slippers instead). If we can compromise and avoid shouting (assuming this is post-book 1 Riddle), that would be great. If it’s book 1 Riddle… yeah, I’m tiptoeing around him and/or he gets lowered into “Absolutely NOT”.

♠️ — Nothing that notable about Deuce or how he lives, he’s just not a very strong contender for what I’d like in a roommate. Phone calls to his mom aren't so long or so frequent that they'd be an annoyance.

🐙 — Pro: Azul does all the math for us when it comes to the bills. Saves me a lot of hassle. Con: he’ll ask for compensation for every little thing he does. It balances out, I guess.

🐬 — As much as I'd love to have a live-in butler, I don't trust Jade for one second to not be plotting something behind my back. Sure, he's polite and does all the usual malewife things, but I never know when this man has slipped a new breed of mushrooms into dinner to test the effects of its consumption on me (BRO DID THIS DURING MASTERCHEF AND I'LL NEVER LIVE THAT DOWN). Jade also seems like the type of roomie to smile to your face but shit talk you when you're not around 🤡 It's fine, I'm a masochist so I'll let it happen/j

🐉 — I mean. He's acceptable as a roommate, but Malleus feels like the kind of person you rarely even see in the apartment??? And whenever he does show up, you're shocked that you've spotted him. That means I'd basically have the place to myself for most of the time, which is great for an introvert like me.

Omg pls

🐆 — Ruggie’s got tons of experience looking after Leona, I’m sure those skills will transfer over nicely to rooming with me. I guess my only concern here would be fighting with Ruggie over small savings (like maybe a spare coin or the last of the leftovers), because we’re both frugal and want to hoard whatever he can get our grubby little paws on.

🐺 — Jack keeps to himself and wouldn’t bother me 😌 Good boy!!

💤 — He’s quiet when he’s awake and/or half asleep (and honestly, what a mood). Silver would be such a peaceful roomie… plus, all his woodland creature friends basically provide free animal therapy. Since Lilia often left Silver home alone while he embarked on worldly travels, Silver’s already got experience in homemaking and a willingness to pitch in.

🐱 — Grim is this high up only because he is cat-shaped and therefore he is basically a Real Cat. He is my pet now. I will feed him and bathe him and take good care of him. If he shreds the furniture or sets it on fire though, he’s being put in time out.

***Bonus: Rollo*** — Listen, think of the entertainment value of this 😳 Rollo would be that roommate that looks very collected and unassuming, but every so often goes on these outrageous rants once his anger is stockpiled and he can’t contain it anymore. I’d sit there listening to him go off about how magic is evil, how we’d all be happier without it, etc. And like… while I don’t necessarily agree with his rhetoric, the complete character shift to being unfiltered and unhinged is just so fascinating to observe. (… Oh yeah, and Rollo would be pretty good at cleaning since NBC students as fastidious about that kind of thing.)

You’re my new best friend

♣️ — If you give me free food then I will love you forever and ever. Trey gives free food. Therefore, I suddenly love Trey. Jokes aside though, I do see him as someone who has his shit together and wouldn’t stir the pot. He’d do his fair share of chores (including the cooking) and doesn’t have an abrasive personality that would make it difficult to be around him. Bonus, I can ask him for free dental hygiene advice and we can geek out about teeth together.

🐍 — Jamil has a similar domestic skillset as Jade, but the difference is that Jamil doesn’t go out of his way to deliberately cause problems or to enable others to act out. If I let him do his own thing and don’t get on his bad side, I think Jamil would be respectful to me as well. I’ll be happy to eat any of his delicious cooking 🤤 and in return, I’ll be his bug slayer—it’s a good deal!!

🤖 — It’s like having all of the household tools you need in one, plus a security system and a new little bestie 😌 I’d trust Ortho with my life 💕 We also save on the food and water bill since he doesn’t need those things to function, just electricity every so often to charge!

[nightghoul381]

Ellis Twilight ~ Main Route Mad Love Ch 25 - His Side Story "Love at Dusk"

Disclaimer for route warnings | Masterlist

Additional Content Warnings: None

This a fan translation so it is definitely not 100% accurate. I do not own anything related to Ikemen Villains. Support Cybird by buying their amazing stories!

After I finished putting away the paperwork for Jude’s company, I looked up and noticed that the sun was about to set.

(Today marks the end of Kate’s one month promise.)

Jude: “What?  Haven’t ya finished that paperwork yet?”

Ellis: “Ah, Jude. This is done, here you go.”

Jude muttered while flipping through the documents with a completely disinterested look on his face.

Jude: “Looks like she’s officially decided to stay.”

Jude: “That woman is really crazy, askin’ to continue workin’ as fairy tale keeper herself.”

Jude: “Well, I guess two crazy people are a good match. I dunno.”

(…Jude helped me a with Kate a little…no, he helped me a lot.)

Ellis: “Thank you, Jude. I look forward to working with you in the future.”

Ellis: “Also, I want to go see Kate, so I’m going to pick her up. I’ll finish the rest of my paperwork tomorrow. See you later.”

Jude: “Hah? What an impudent kid. I hope the both of ya get run over by a carriage.”

Wanting to see her sooner, I walked through the city dyed in twilight.

I also helped a florist with their car that had fallen over on the way.

No matter who I’m kind to, there is one person to whom I want to be the kindest.

(Kate said she was going to say hello to her colleagues at the post office, so I think she’s around here.)

(Ah… I found her.)

In the twilit city, Kate was looking up at the sky.

(…Kate?)

Among the people passing each other by through the town, only Kate was stopped, looking up at the sky.

Between the everyday and the extraordinary.

Between day and night.

Between the present and the future.

(If this keeps up… I feel like she’ll be taken away somewhere.)

(I need to hug you, now.)

(Kate, don’t go anywhere.)

I approached her and hugged her tightly from behind.

Ellis: “Guess who.”

Gently so that Kate wouldn’t break, but firmly so that she couldn’t go anywhere.

Kate: “…Ellis.”

Ellis: “Correct.”

In my arms, Kate turned her whole body around—and our eyes met.

Kate smiled happily, and I felt relieved and smiled too.

Kate: “I told you to wait for me at the Castle.”

Ellis: “Yeah, but… I felt like you might be feeling lonely, Kate.”

Kate: “…That’s correct.”

Perhaps because of Kate’s shy smile, my heart was filled with happiness.

Ellis: “If your colleagues find out, you’ll be in big trouble like before.”

Ellis: “I was worried I might cause you trouble, Kate, but I’m glad I came to pick you up.”

Ellis: “Also… Sorry, I lied a little.”

Ellis: “…I was lonely too. I wanted to see you sooner.”

As the scene around us turned yellow with twilight, I embraced Kate once again.

(…I feel safe. Like this is where I belong.)

(Oh, I see.)

(This is where I belong, and where I belong to Kate.)

My arms were probably a little longer just so that I could hold her in my arms like this.

Her faintly sweet scent filled my heart.

Ellis: “Actually, I was planning to come and pick you up earlier.”

Ellis: “The florist’s cart had fallen over and it looked like a big problem…”

I’d been gathering flowers and helping repair the cart,

As I explained why I was late, Kate accepted me with a smile.

(…I want this moment to last forever. I want to be by your side forever.)

I’m sure the greatest happiness can only be found here.

Kate: “Ellis, I love you.”

Kate: “Ellis, I love you.”

Ellis: “I… I love you too, so much.”

Ellis: “Kate… you look beautiful in the colors of twilight.”

Kate’s expression and even her voice were dyed in sparkling, spilling light.

Kate: “Hey, Ellis… Are you happiest right now?”

Ellis: “I’m happy to be embracing you like this, Kate, but…”

Ellis: “We haven’t made the cranberry jam yet.”

The view of tomorrow was reflected in her eyes, and I felt my heart beat faster.

Kate: “Hehe, that’s right.”

Ellis: “Someday…Let’s stop time with the greatest happiness.”

(When will I be able to make you the happiest you can be?)

(It’s okay if you don’t completely understand it.)

(The one who will kill you, and the one who will love you more than anyone else… is me.)

(So, until then.)

(I will protect you from the brightness of the morning and the darkness of the night.)

Ellis: “Then…be mine, forever.”

There was definite love and happiness in the depths of her gaze.

Imagining the day when it will last forever, she pressed her lips to mine.

My secret box… swallowed up my beloved and gently closed the lid.

Just the two of us in the box, surrounded by thorns forever.

--I killed the person I loved.

To stop time so that their happiness could not be clouded.

--I was murdered by the person I loved.

Because that was his twisted, endearing love.

If it were a fairy tale, it might be called a bad ending.

However, in our case—

Epilogue

[onlyoneofyongsoo]

Why BUB actually fits into OOO's catalogue

Bump Up Business has been criticised for many things, and don’t get me wrong, it’s far from perfect, but there is one question I have heard a lot: “Why did OnlyOneOf of all people choose to do this? Doesn’t this show play exactly into the thing we have been defending them of?”

My own answer to this is yes and no. But let me explain. 

In this I will not be discussing what the writers had in mind, because I don’t know them. But I’ll talk about why I think it makes sense OnlyOneOf would tell this kind of story, whether they actually had any say in choosing this drama or not.

The main argument for most peoples' criticism I’ve seen is “This show is about/glorifying queerbaiting.” But is it really? Both of the characters are already queer. Jihoon has dated at least one man and is very aware of his own sexuality. Eden is quickly established as being very insecure in his own sexuality, not because he’s straight, but because he’s queer and finds that hard to accept. So the show is about queer characters. 

Okay, so how does the queerbaiting fall into this? Obviously there is queerbaiting present. Their company practically forces them to do it. Eden is very reluctant, but agrees after the company gives him an ultimatum. Jihoon is less reluctant, but also in a tight spot. He has fallen off and this is seemingly his last chance to save his career, something he wouldn’t give up even for the man he loved. So the characters take no pleasure in the queerbaiting, but is it a problem to them? Yes, actually. It is made clear that they have trouble telling apart what is real feelings and what’s just work. In episode 4 for example Jihoon asks Eden if he is struggling with their concept after Eden revealed how insecure he is in his sexuality. The question comes from a place of caring and honesty. Eden then answers that he is okay because it’s "just work". Since emotions and their hidden identities are now part of their work it gets all muddled and confusing for them. 

You might say now “But that’s not the problem with queerbaiting! They’re leading their fans on!” And from a fan’s perspective I agree. They are leading them on. But this isn’t about fans, this show is about idols. What would it be like for a queer idol to work in an industry where you are urged to act queer but to never be queer? How would that affect your personal life?

In the drama the queer characters hide their identity. Even after Hyunbin spread these awful rumours about Jihoon, they don’t reveal their relationship. Evidently having rumours about being with women is still better than revealing that you’re gay. The entire time they keep any real relationships under wraps. 

On top of that, in a way Eden has to out himself for his job. Even though he of course isn’t allowed to be actually queer, acting this lovey-dovey with another man in public sure must feel like he’s coming out and he is clearly uncomfortable with that. Interviewers and netizens are constantly questioning their relationship as well. Are they gay? Are they straight? Do they naturally act that way? Is the company forcing them? Having all your actions be scrutinised and dissected like this, especially as a closeted queer person is terrifying. 

Once again I’m not claiming that the writers wanted to represent queer idols’ struggles, but I think you can understand how this might be able to be read that way, especially by idols themselves. 

Now how does this fit in with OnlyOneOf’s usual work, besides the obvious queer element? For that I’d like to remind you of June 2022. That is the month we started off the undergrOund idOl project. If you’re like me, then that name probably made you question it. What does it mean? I remember theories about it being about struggling as a relatively unknown group and things along those lines. Luckily they gave us hints in several articles by letting us know that the series is about “the inner side of idols who shine on stage”. Okay, cool! So is it about struggles with fame? Like a glimpse behind the mask? Let’s look at the videos! Hm… Not much about idol life here actually… They’re all just.. queer? How curious. Almost as if they want to highlight the queerness so many idols or celebrities have to hide?

So OnlyOneOf, a group whose behaviours and sexualities are constantly being dissected and who is famous for telling and highlighting genuine queer stories, even connecting those stories to what idols have to hide, choose a drama that is about queer idols who have to navigate their queerness in an industry that demands “fake queerness” but has no room for real queer people. This doesn’t actually seem that surprising to me. Does it to you?

Last comments:

I don’t think that BUB is a critical masterpiece tastefully portraying the harsh reality of queer celebrities. I think that the producers and writers did not do a good job and that OnlyOneOf’s own work is a lot better. But I can absolutely see how this story fits into the larger picture and why this could be appealing to them. I don’t know if they even had any say in doing the drama to begin with. But I just wanted to provide a different point of view. Maybe someone found this interesting at least <3

[freedomfireflies]

hi, i saw that you’re accepting requests and i’d really think you’d be the best to write this if you can. so i’ve been watching a lot of greys anatomy lately and i’m always thinking of harry as a patient. so could you do like a greys anatomy resident reader x harry ou blurb where harry is famous and all that just his normal self and reader is a resident at seattle grace hospital. so maybe reader and harry are secretly dating or engaged and when harry gets hit in the eye with the skittles he goes to the hospital to get checked out and reader takes care of him extra carefully and dotes on him and maybe meredith and christina and lexie see them and start to put the pieces together and all of that? idk if this made any sense whatsoever but if it did i really hope you can write something abt it 🥰 (also sorry this was so long lol) also, could you use the season 5 greys cast but have it be set in 2022? ahhh sorry if it sounds stupid and confusing 🤣

“It’s her face. No, look at it. Right there, it’s doing that weird, red, splotchy thing—”

“She doesn’t have hives, Cristina, just give her the water bottle and she’ll be fine—”

“No, I’ve seen this before, this is bad. This is really, really bad.” Cristina extends her hand to grasp onto the bottom of your jaw and tilt your head up for examination. “Are you having trouble swallowing?”

You swallow. “Uh…no, but…Cristina, I’m fine, I just...I was just...I wasn't even—”

“Mhm. Incoherent thoughts, got it,” Christiana replies, nodding as she glances down at her chart. “What about your heart? Does it feel like it’s racing? Can you breathe? Do you feel flushed? Nauseated? Dizzy?”

“Cristina,” Meredith laughs, attempting to wrangle the woman away from you. “You’re scaring her.”

“Good. She should be scared. What we’re dealing with is terminal,” Cristina retorts, and your eyes widen. 

“I…I feel fine,” you try again, but Cristina’s inquisitive and invasive stare immediately returns to you, drilling right through your pupil.

“Tell me…have you ever heard of Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Syndrome?” she asks, in absolute all seriousness.

Meredith rolls her eyes while you blink.

“Uh…what?”

Cristina studies you carefully for a moment before nodding her chin at something just over your shoulder. “It’s quite deadly if not treated…immediately.”

“Cristina, what the hell are you talking about?” Meredith sighs, now moving to stand beside you.

“See, I thought I saw her exhibit some symptoms when we first wheeled him in,” Cristina begins to explain. “But I chalked it up to the side effects of celebrity sightings. The green eyes, the curly hair, the tattoos. You know, if you like that sort of thing.”

Shit. You swallow again.

“But then, her face started doing the same thing that it’s doing now,” she continues on, and you stumble over a shaky breath as Meredith turns to look at you. “So, I thought I’d keep her under observation…just to make sure she wasn't gonna keel over and die...and after a few tests, you wouldn’t believe what I discovered.”

Shit, shit, shit. She saw.

Meredith looks between you and Cristina now, desperate to be clued in. “Well?”

Cristina raises a brow at you, indicating the answer is yours to divulge.

But you can’t.

You promised.

“I…I was just trying to be nice to him,” you answer, the excuse burning its way out of your throat. “I thought he was probably…you know, nervous. Maybe a little overwhelmed—”

“Yeah, see, lying is also one of the symptoms of the disease,” Cristina interrupts. “Mhm, we lose millions of people a year to it.”

Torn between doubling down and just giving up, you look between them.

Then…you groan.

“Okay,” you huff as Cristina crosses her arms. “Fine. All right? You win. I’m fucking him. Happy?”

Meredith’s eyebrows just about fly up her forehead as she slips her hands into her coat pockets. “Oh.”

“Wow, look at that, you’re cured,” Cristina muses, tucking the chart under her arm. “Although, I can’t say the same for the raging case of stupidity.”

“Cristina,” Meredith scolds, but you simply shake your head with defeat.

“No, she’s right. I know better,” you concede, running a hand down the side of your face. “I just…when you said he was being brought in, I got worried something bad had happened, and I freaked out…and, I don’t know. I think I was just relieved to know he was okay.”

Cristina blinks. “Ew.”

With a smirk, Meredith shakes her head. “I think it’s cute.”

Cristina looks at her. “Ew.”

“Look, I promise it won’t happen again,” you finish as you meet Cristina’s eye, desperate to put this embarrassing afternoon behind you.

“Well, I would hope not,” Chrstina snorts. “Bailey would have an aneurysm, and then I would be stuck working with McDreamy all by myself, which is absolutely not happening—”

Suddenly, Meredith puts a hand on her friend's shoulder and begins to encourage her to step back. “You know, actually…Cristina and I have a few things we need to go do. All of a sudden, right now. So...would you mind going ahead and discharging the patient for us?”

Cristina looks at her, confused and unimpressed. “I’m sorry, what?”

In turn, Meredith shoots her an incredibly pointed look. “Yeah, you know…we’ve gotta do that thing.”

“What thing?”

“The thing—”

Cristina scoffs. “We don’t have a thing—”

“Yes, we do," Meredith insists. "The thing…with Alex…and the thing—”

“Okay, I’m sorry, did you hit your head? Or something? Because we don’t have a thing with Evil Spawn. Why on Earth would we have a thing with Evil Spawn? We never have things with Evil Spawn, that’s…I don’t even wanna imagine having a thing with Evil Spawn—”

“Cristina,” Meredith hisses until Cristina stops and looks at her.

“Oh.” She blinks, seeming to come to some sort of realization before she turns to you. “So...we have a thing. With Evil Spawn.”

Finally catching on to their attempt at discretion, you smile. “Right, okay. Well…good luck with your thing.”

“Yeah, thanks. Hey—” Cristina adds, just before Meredith can drag her down the hall. “No funny business. Okay? I don’t wanna come back and see something that’s gonna give me nightmares. Or a migraine. Or both.”

Flushing yet again, you nod quickly. “No, I wasn’t…we aren’t…that’s not—”

“Cristina,” Meredith tries for a third time with a defeated exhale. “Let’s go.”

“Fine. Fine.” Cristina steps back but not before offering you one last look of warning. “Seriously. I mean it, Junior.”

Your nose scrunches at the less than affectionate nickname before Meredith finally succeeds in dragging Cristina down the hall and out of sight. But you don’t miss Cristina’s comments that echo between the walls as they go. “God, it’s just gross. We were never like that. No, we were not. I mean, I don’t see the appeal. Does he sing when he comes? Is that, like…a thing? God, poor Lexipedia. She’s gonna be crushed—”

Despite yourself, you smile and exhale a relieved breath before turning on your heel to make your way for Harry’s room.

“—I loved it, I thought it was really sweet,” Lexie is saying as you walk through the door, smiling giddily at the man on the bed. “I mean, I’m…I’ve been keeping up with your tour. Not like…keeping up. Like, not in a creepy way or anything. I just…I saw. The posts. And…the stuff. You posted. And TikTok. The outfits and everything. Which I loved. And the album. I love the album. I tried showing it to my friend Mark. Well, he’s…I mean, he’s one of the doctors here. Mark Sloan? I don’t know if you…met him. He’s…yeah, he’s my friend. We’re friends. Just…just friends. Which is fine. I’m fine with it—”

You watch as Harry nods along with every unnecessary bit of information to spill from her mouth, grinning to yourself at his strained attempt to appear interested.

Which, to be fair, he probably is.

“—and he liked it, I think. He’s not really…you know, he doesn’t really get excited about a lot of things, but I think he liked it,” she says, sighing some before she seems to notice you out of her peripheral. “Oh! Hi. Sorry, I was just…I wanted to check in. See if he needed anything.”

“She’s been very sweet,” Harry adds, nodding his thanks to the excited woman now scrambling to her feet as she heads for the door. “I really appreciate it, Dr. Grey, thank you.”

“Oh, no problem. No problem…at all,” she beams, eyes falling down to the floor as if to hide the giddy expression on her face. “Yeah, so I’ll just…yeah. I’ll go. So nice to meet you, Mr. Styles. Sir. Mr…yeah. Okay. Bye.”

She forces herself from the room, quickly spinning around to race down the hall as you swallow a laugh and finally return your attention to the man in question.

He sits, perched on the edge of the small bed, a rather triumphant grin on his face.

Doing your best to remain professional, you pull a small light from your coat pocket and step up to him. “Okay, let’s see the damage.”

His lips press into a smug smile as you tilt his head back and dip down to examine his eye. You flick the flashlight back and forth across his pupil, searching for any signs of scratching or trauma as he waits patiently beneath you. 

“Looks good,” you muse quietly. “Does it hurt?”

He runs his tongue over his bottom lip. “No.”

“What is it you said hit you?”

The smirk deepens. “Uh…some sort of candy, I think. Maybe a Skittle?”

Surprised, you lean back, hand dropping to your side. “I—what? Who the fuck was throwing Skittle’s at you?”

He shrugs once, rather nonchalant about the whole affair. “They just get a little excited, I guess. Maybe they thought I needed a snack.”

You snort as you pocket the light. “You really need to start setting some ground rules if you’re gonna let people stand that close to you. Okay, this really could have done more permanent damage. You’re really lucky it seems to have only hit your eyelid, but if it had been any closer—”

Suddenly, his fingers are slipping around the backs of your thighs to sneak you closer to him, easily and effortlessly settling you between his legs as you swallow a gasp.

He gazes up at you adoringly, thumbs rubbing circles over your scrubs as you swallow. “What are you doing?”

“Just…trying to get better,” he responds, lashes batting innocently. “Is there a problem? Doctor?”

Your lids narrow. “Okay, very funny. You can let go now.”

“Yeah…no.”

“Harry—”

“What?”

You chew on the inside of your cheek and anxiously glance over your shoulder to make sure the coast is clear. “We had a deal—”

“Right, and we still do,” he agrees. “I’m just looking at you. S’not breaking any rules, is it?”

You huff yet again. “Patients don’t normally hold their doctor’s like this. Except the old, creepy, pervy ones.”

He exhales a laugh. “Fine. Do you want me to let go?”

No. God, no. Never. “Yes, before Bailey shows up, and fires me.”

He studies you for a moment before obliging and bringing his hands back to his own lap. “So…am I all good to go?”

Swallowing the disappointment creeping up the back of your throat, you nod once. “Yeah, everything looks good. Maybe wear some sunglasses next time you’re on stage, though.”

He nods as well. “Great, so…I’ll go, then.”

“Mhm.”

He stands as you step back to make room.

The room grows silent. Eerily silent as a hundred missed opportunities pass between you.

Then, he reaches for his jacket. “Thank you for everything, Doc.”

Why the fuck does this feel so wrong, you can’t help but ask yourself. “Yeah, no problem.”

You don’t want him to be upset at you. But there’s a reason you made this arrangement. A reason you decided to keep your relationship to sex only. No feelings, no getting personal, no obligations.

But even despite all of that…you still felt your heart ache when you saw his name on the board. When you’d heard the passing comment that Harry Styles was being rushed to the hospital for treatment. 

Your mind had run rampant with the worst possible explanations, and you’d had to slip into the bathroom to collect yourself before you burst into tears.

Today, it’s a Skittle to the eye.

But what if tomorrow…

He makes his way for the door as you look down at your sneakers, expression weaving into a grimace at everything you wish you could do and say to make this better.

You can’t ask him to stay. Can’t tell him how you really feel. Can’t give in to what he wants, especially not here.

All you can do…is let him go.

You hear him stop.

And your heart stops with him.

“So…I’ll see you tonight, right?” he calls, and you feel your chest tighten.

Tonight. You turn around. “Of course, why wouldn’t you?”

He leans against the doorframe, smiling some at your response. “Attagirl. Same time?”

“Sure.”

“Good.” He steps back. “Cause I have a feeling I’m not gonna be feeling so well.”

You fight a grin. “Oh, is that right?”

“Yeah, I’m…gosh, I’m just already feeling a little woozy,” he says, pretending to stumble back into the hall. “And…my mouth has gone dry, and my hands just feel…antsy.”

He’s terrible at this. Absolutely awful, and you snort as you watch him retreat backward. “Uh-huh.”

“So, I just…I’m really glad you do house calls,” he continues slyly. “Cause I’m really gonna need your expertise and care.”

You wave him off. “Okay, goodbye. Go away now.”

He chuckles as you continue shooing him toward the lobby. “So…you’ll be there, right?”

“Yes, Harry. I will be there.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

He comes to a screeching halt, nearly forcing you to crash into his chest as he thrusts his pinky into the air between you. “Swear it.”

You eye his hand closely, heart leaping into your throat. You will not fall in love with this man. You absolutely will not do it. You won’t. 

You intertwine your finger with his. “Swear.”

He beams proudly. “Good. I’ll see you tonight, Doc.”

You can say nothing as he turns around and heads down the hall, rounding the corner before disappearing from sight.

But you stand there. Hopelessly and so unbelievably fucked as the realization begins to settle atop your chest like an anvil.

Despite your best efforts, and your self control, and your desperate attempts at keeping it from happening...

You are in love with Harry fucking Styles.

And Cristina is gonna kill you.

~ Other Harry Blurbs

~ Full Masterlist

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for subscribing to a city’s community radio station as a musician when I don’t live in the city?

I’m (31F) a musician who will be releasing my first single in about a month.

My special interest relates to a specific city’s music scene and its history. The city has a really cool independent community radio station that’s a huge part of that history.

One of the station’s main sources of income is subscriptions where people can make a yearly payment to support the station. You can subscribe as either a regular listener or as a musician. Musician subscribers are listed on the station’s website and also get a live read campaign on the radio. Since I’m going to be releasing music soon, I’d like to subscribe as a musician.

Here’s where I’m worried I may be TA:

-I’m not from the city where the station is based, nor have I ever been there. My main connection to the city and its music scene is my special interest. Since it’s a community radio station and I’m not part of that community, I’m worried I’d be inserting myself somewhere I don’t belong.

-In addition to the above, I’m from the US, while the radio station is based in another country. The radio station puts a lot of importance on promoting local artists and challenging the mainstream. If I subscribed as a musician and benefited from the live read campaign, the station wouldn’t be promoting a local artist, they’d be promoting some random USAmerican.

-Even though I’d be financially supporting the station by subscribing as a musician, I could support them just as well by subscribing as a regular listener.

-I want to subscribe to financially support the station, but part of my motivation is selfish. I’m really interested in this radio station and have spent a lot of time nerding out about its history, so I think it would be really cool to be listed on their website and mentioned on air. Also, I would imagine the station is more likely to play songs by subscriber artists, and it would be amazing to hear my song on the radio, especially on this station.

-I’m autistic (as you’ve all probably guessed from me having a special interest) and I sometimes have trouble determining whether or not my actions will be appropriate or well-received, so I don’t really trust my own judgment on this.

I thought about emailing the station to see whether it would be okay for me to subscribe as a musician (and I probably still will if the results aren’t a YTA sweep) but since I think so highly of the station, I’d hate for anyone working there to think I’m an asshole for asking.

WIBTA?

What are these acronyms?

[floyd-leech-thing]

What if Yuu went home in the end?:

based off a post from @bubblin-trouble

I will start this by openly saying: I would cry, if that’s how twst ended. Which I guess would draw from the fact that I personally wouldn’t have left that world myself after meeting so many people and building friendships with them. Would it probably be great for Yuu? Yah, it would, being able to see all their old friends and family. But at the same time, leaving behind over a dozen people Yuu had learned to get along with and become friends with would be heartbreaking. Just going home and then for years to come walking past stuff, scrolling online or just being able to see things and immediately think “Heh, [black] would have loved that” and then remembering you could never show it to them because their a whole world apart. Yuu just going home, while being a happy ending for Yuu, wouldn’t be an easy one at all to adjust to. Waking up every morning “oh yah, I no longer have class”. Eating lunch, yah, no longer on campus gonna have to walk into an actual store to buy food. Gonna have to get used to there being no chaos from the UMs of everybody. And plus all the problems in the real world you get to deal with again. Oh yah, you have a family again, which is great because it’s family (as long as Yuu at least liked their family) , but that also adds onto the list of things to remember and consider.

from a personal standpoint as a player and person (feel free to skip their part, or don’t. Your choice):

from a personal standpoint irl, it would hurt a lot more. as someone who gets easily attached and has a hard time not dwelling on the past, i couldn’t handle it if it happened to me. I already established the ending of stuff makes me unreasonably sad, but losing over a dozen friends just to go back home would cause a lot of emotional pain and plus my severe Nostalgic Depression. And all the characters seemed so excepting of stuff. I guess this was a long way of saying: if it was me, I wouldn’t leave nor would I want too. I’d rather just except that as my new home then go back to my original home and leave every relationship I established, everything i accomplished, and everything I built up and worked hard for in the new world and just have to forget all about that And go back to my original life.

in short, would it be great for Yuu? Yes, incredibly great for Yuu. But as a player of the game, I wouldn’t leave.

I just tag anyone who might read this @nrc-ramshackle-prefect @purplehairnpronouns @official-nrc-prophet @knightcoree and @inotonline @/bubblin-trouble is already tagged and credited for giving me this idea (albeit not knowingly)

sorry if this is one sided but it was meant to give my opinion

[cainemur]

Silly little Shinji action figure I did a deep dive on

so, I really like action figures right, and yk, being the NGE fan I am I desperately tried searching for a Shinji action figure, or at the very least a Kaworu one, especially with how Rei, Asuka, and Mari seemed to have a few themselves (figma, etc)

(Btw I must mention I do not mention Real Action Heros here. Because I don’t like them, I think the Shinji ones have a weird face sculpt and the weird latex fabric stuff is bound to rip in due time)

Anyway, I’m searching on Google one day, and I randomly come across a Reddit post, also asking about Shinji action figures, and with it came an edited note to a link to a website called WorthPoint. The images, though a little blurry, are Shinji action figures. I was so excited when I saw this, I was just itching to know where it came from and where I can get it.

(the image above being the first image I had seen of it, while the joints looked a little ugly I was hoping for anything at all)

this is the WorthPoint link. I started constantly reverse image searching these images in the listing to find anything about it, anything at all, I so desperately wanted this silly little figure because I love Shinji so much.

then, I came across a tumblr page, though not much, it did share an image of what appeared to be an official poster for this action figure (along with what appeared to be three others of Kaworu, Rei, and Asuka!), I was so excited, again it was a little blurry but I felt like I was getting closer and closer to finding this fig.

(Image from the page I linked)

but, afterwards I felt like I was kind of hitting a dead end with this, up until now I had only payed attention to “figma” in the original link, which these aren’t. It’s probably why I had some trouble locating it to begin with. I kept going back to WorthPoint and trying to see what else I might be able to find, reverse image searching, etc etc, until I started noticing a lot of this “customa-p” along with the figure, now I had never heard of Customa-p before so naturally I started to look it up on sites like myfigurecollection.net, and lo and behold, there it was.

Shinji Customa-p by Volks , a garage kit action figure

I was ecstatic, but I wasn’t done, I wanted to find out how to get it and up until now I had little clues for that. I noticed in the comments there were quite a few people also wondering how to get him, and scrolling all the way to the bottom I saw a user by the name of kkat, I don’t know what compelled me to click on their profile but I’m glad I did. I scrolled through to see if they had the figure, and to my shock they had all four—Shinji, Kaworu, Rei, and Asuka—I was so happy. Not only did they have them, but they talked about what it took to paint them in an article, I read through all of it and the comments.

From what the comments said, keeping an eye on mercari japan would be your best bet, so far I’ve only seen the pre painted Asuka and Rei up for sale on the site, still trying to see if a Shinji pops up every so often but I haven’t had much luck.

worst of all, I emailed Volks and they couldn’t even tell me much because of the age of the product, they claimed they rarely ever do re-runs of their lines (like Customa-p), I felt really disappointed I wouldn’t be able to get Shinji, but glad I got some of the answers I wanted. It’s a really nice figure, and I’d love to get it. Hopefully this helps anyone else who might be on a search for it.

extra links:

kkat’s myfigurecollection profile

”Putting Together Ikari Shinji and Nagisa Kaworu Customa-P Kits” by kkat

[lycandrophile]

I cannot thank you enough for your posts about top surgery. I'm hoping to get mine in a couple years. Your updates are really comforting to me, even (maybe especially) the bad stuff because it makes me feel more prepared. I hope your recovery keeps going well!

On another note, how did you decide whether to keep your nipples or not? I like how chests look with and without them, so it's hard to choose

for me there were a few factors that led me to go nipless:

the biggest thing was that when i imagined my body post-op, i naturally always saw it without nipples. that was just what felt right when i thought about how it would look — i didn’t even have to think about it, that’s just what came to mind. i figured, if i’m automatically picturing myself like that, that’s probably a good indication of what i would be happiest with.

i’ve also always had sensory issues related to my nipples. i basically wore a sports bra constantly, including when i slept, because i hated the feeling of loose fabric touching them and moving against them. so if i had kept my nipples, i would’ve ended up with either no sensation or more discomfort, not anything positive.

i really didn’t want to deal with the healing process for nipple grafts. my skin is super sensitive and finicky, so if anyone would be almost guaranteed to have problems with graft healing, god only knows it would be me. i also know i’m more prone to infection than most people, so avoiding the part of the surgery that has the highest chance of infection seemed like a good plan. on top of all that, i’m also a huge baby about having to touch any sort of injury on my body (just putting moisturizer on my mostly healed incisions was something i had to work up to), so i knew doing the graft care would be difficult for me too.

i know that i can be super picky about the way things look, especially when it comes to things like spacing and symmetry. so if i had gotten nipple grafts, i think it’s super likely that i would’ve ended up feeling like they were put in the wrong place or being bothered by any asymmetry in how they healed. obviously i wanted to pick the kind of surgery that was the most likely to give me results i would be fully satisfied with, so getting grafts despite knowing i’d probably end up nitpicking them for years to come just seemed silly.

i honestly really love the idea of having a chest that’s visibly different from a typical cis man’s chest. the goal of my transition has never been to look cis and i take a lot of pride in being recognizably trans, so having a kind of surgery that isn’t just trying to imitate what i would look like if i were cis was really appealing to me.

going without grafts is just cheaper, so given all of the other reasons i didn’t want grafts, there was just no reason for me to spend extra money on them. i want a few extra hundred dollars in my bank account way more than i want nipples.

and in hindsight, i genuinely couldn’t be happier with my decision. when i look at my chest, even now while it’s still not fully healed, it looks just like how i always imagined i would look with a flat chest and feels like the most natural thing in the world.

if you’re having trouble deciding which you like better, i would try just closing your eyes and imagining both on your body. this was one thing i did if i saw someone with grafts whose results i really liked and felt uncertain in my decision, because what i always ended up realizing was that no matter how good they looked on other people, it felt super weird imagining them on myself. in fact, most of the time i struggled to really even picture it at all.

you could also try gathering a bunch of pictures of both types of results and seeing how you feel about all of them. maybe when you look at the results with grafts, there’s only a few that you feel like you would be dissatisfied with, but when you look at results without grafts, there are a lot more that you probably wouldn’t want. or maybe it’s the other way around. like i said, you’re going to want to go with the kind of surgery you’re mostly likely to be happy with, so if you seem to be more critical of one kind of surgery’s results than the other, that can help guide your choice.

and if you really don’t feel any differently about them, consider the other factors: how do you feel about the healing process? is sensation in your nipples something you find pleasure in and would consider trying to preserve? what does the difference in cost look like for you and how important is that to you? how important is it to be able to pass as cis if necessary? and so on. your decision might end up being made based on something other than pure aesthetics and that’s totally okay.