#but that pain never comes
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
god i love the scene in moana when she starts singing to te ka and te ka’s lava turns to rock. its my favorite character trope when Mean Vicious Rabid character hears the Right Thing or that Nice Character Understands and they just settle down because finally they arent blindly antagonized
#babsil omor#or something like that#mainly thinking of my feral wolfboy sona#you go to pet him and he flinches and growls and snaps#expecting to be hit#but that pain never comes#and he has to do a double take#because wtf why didnt the hurt come
0 notes
Text
I see you disabled people who don't know your family medical history because your family members couldn't/wouldn't/weren't allowed to go to the doctor and never got diagnosed, or don't know your family.
I see you disabled people who didn't know you were disabled growing up, physically or mentally, maybe because your parents didn't have insurance and couldn't afford it/wouldn't take you seriously/didn't think it was a problem because they had it/doctors couldn't figure it out.
I see you disabled people who have bouts of an issue that you grew up with, that are/were infrequent enough that you never really thought about it and dealt with it on your own, and when you have one in front of people who weren't medically neglected, you wonder why they look so horrified as you describe it.
I see you disabled people who didn't/haven't had any amount of care or accommodation for their disability since it started, because you couldn't get diagnosed.
I see you disabled people who grew up thinking everyone had the same problem as you and that it was normal and so you accepted it, because you didn't understand how the human body worked and had no real frame of reference nor the language to ask for help, or the people around you saw it and just ignored it.
I see you disabled people only now understanding that what you experience is abnormal, and that there are things that can be done to help it, make it easier, or at least help you understand yourself better.
I see you disabled people that will never be able to get diagnosed or get the help you need, whether from being poor, lacking insurance, or any number of reasons.
This shit is hard, and there are people who will never quite understand your struggles. It doesn't seem to get talked about as much, but I wish it was. Please know I love you, and you aren't alone.
#Disability#Disabled#Cpunk#Mental illness#Medical neglect#Living with people who grew up going to the doctors is wild. Turns out most people don't have heart attack-type symptoms 1-3 times a year#Or blisters. Or random moments where a body part is in pain. Or any number of my health issues I may never come to understand#There would be a higher national statistic of people who are disabled if people could be diagnosed#And I swear by this.#Healthcare
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
lol arthur realizes with the other knights after watching merlin flirt and being hit with a wave of deja vu: holy shit you asked me out
merlin and the rest of the knights around a campfire after leaving a village bc lancelot and leon somehow started a brawl in the tavern: ???
arthur points at merlin: after valiant! you asked me to buy you a drink! you were asking me out!
merlin is busy cooking dinner and confused out of his fucking mind: what???…..valiant….oh the knight with the snakes.
gwaine who was slightly tipsy now stone cold sober and sitting up straight against a tree: wait. explain. what do you mean merlin asked you out??
arthur snaps his fingers as he recalls the memory: i apologized for sacking you and you said that if i bought you a drink we’d be even.
merlin now remembering how he had stumbled into camelot, picked a fight with a pigheaded bully which quickly turned homoerotic and flirtatious, and continued their teasing-flirting for days before merlin shot his shot and asked the prince out only to be rejected: oh yeah, i forgot i did that…..wait, you mean you didnt realize what i was asking?
arthur: no?? we argued everyday, how was i supposed to realize you were asking me out??
merlin now abandoning the dinner and staring across the camp at arthur while the rest of the knights watch their back and forth like a game of tennis: to you we were arguing, to me that was very much flirting. i thought you were flirting back so i decided to ask you. then you rejected me
arthur, mentally beating his past self up for fucking up their chance: i didn’t reject you!!! i just didn’t realize what you were asking me. how was i meant to? we fought every chance we got
leon, nudging elyan, glee and excitement riling through him: its happening!!! its finally happening!!! seven long, grueling years is finally paying off!!!
merlin, realizing the misunderstanding and acknowledging the fact that he wasn’t rejected, his flirtations just weren’t noticed - realizing he still has a chance: oh…oh i see. arthur, my dear, our fights were extremely flirtatious. need i remind you of what you said? “do you know how to walk on your knees? would you like me to teach you?” or “i could take you apart with one blow”
arthur, mental capabilities at an all time low: m…my dear….?????????
merlin grinning devilishly as he realizes that his flirtatious persona he had hidden away after falling head over heels for arthur can make a come back: that is what i called you. should i call you something else? say…mine?
percival gags in elyan’s ear: cheesy
elyan hides a laugh: at least they’re finally getting somewhere. better than the hopeless pining
arthur, flushed from head to toe: ah uh no um im uh
merlin thoroughly enjoying himself: oh come now, your majesty. use your words.
#meanwhile leon is praying his thanks to every god and goddess above for their mercy#his pain and suffering is so over#merlin is going IN on arthur who is red as fuck#gwaine is enjoying himself immensely#lancelot pulls out popcorn to watch the two idiots finally get their acts together#flirty merlin x flustered arthur#i think yes#listen. merlin lived in ealdor. a small village of maybe thirty people - four or five being his own age#he was thrilled to be in camelot and have new faces and people to meet#he was definitely the village tease or flirt or whatever#he was gonna be a rake in camelot but unfortunately managed to fall hopelessly in love with the prince of camelot#he burned his dreams of being a rake in exchange for arthur#the issue? arthur rejected his advances. next issue? merlin’s feelings remained and grew#so merlin is a lovesick puppy for a prince who doesnt feel the same and he cant find it in himself to look at anyone else bar a few cases#he and lancelot def slept together at least once. him and gwaine tumbled into bed a few times together#but his heart always belonged to arthur he just never imagined hed get a chance to let his affection be known#now that he knows arthur never knew of his intentions in the first place and was quick to deny he rejected him#merlin is more than happy to let that part of his personality come back and terrorize arthur is a way he hadnt been able to before#hes living his best life rn#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#knights of the round table#fanfiction ideas#prompts#headcanon
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
“fangs lungs ankles” – Adrianne Lenker
#interview with the vampire#iwtv#amc iwtv#jacob anderson#louis de pointe du lac#iwtvedit#sheisraging#userpayel#useryvonne#tusermarissa#userraffa#tusertha#userveronika#*#first link is to listen‚ second link is to buy on bandcamp and support the pcrf#hmmm originally i was going to cross out the last “pain goes” bit bc the point is that the pain of claudia will never fully go away...#but i wanted to frame it more as the resolution of louis' journey#learning the truth and grieving WITH lestat and finally coming into his own as a vampire and being settled with his grief at least#so yeah. that's that
773 notes
·
View notes
Text
*superglues them together*
Aka, eeeeh fok it. Here's some ougoku stuff I've been sitting on. Happy THOSE GUYS day.
#gonta gokuhara#gokuhara gonta#kokichi ouma#ouma kokichi#kokichi oma#danganronpa#v3#ndrv3#ougoku#ougoku day#awwgoku#wip#I drew some of these for jellybeanbagel to bribe them into finishing their fangame lmao.#2021-2023 stuff#my art#I doubt me liking this ship is a surprise to anyone given my old uploads but tbh it's a miracle that I do. Or should I call it 'anomaly'?#this is very much a 'ship chose me' scenario - my conflicting feelings towards it oddly became part of the appeal that I learned to embrace#it's complicated and might be due to me being prolly uncommon case of Gonta-main ougoku enjoyer and maybe also a masochist sdfdf#but I will never object to Gonta being treated kindly when it comes to fluff and 'what could've been' potential#and upsetting parts are compelling and deserve to be seen and explored for what they are- it's a waste to justify/idealise or minimize them#and boy do these guys have an emotional range I physically cannot overlook despite visceral and deeply personal pain some parts of it cause#...and also because of it#and on that note - I have some not so sweet nor cozy stuff with them as well that I might compile one day... to balance this post >:)#still tho I promise to give other gonta ships some love too. after all this is only one of my top 3
873 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking about you laying in bed with bakugou and lightly tracing the messy edges of the scar in the middle of his chest, hardly able to comprehend how deep that wound runs. it had already been there for years by the time you'd met him, but sometimes you see it and are unable to swallow the fact that—at one time—you were alive and he wasn't.
very quietly, you say, "it's crazy to think how easily i could have missed you,"
because it's not every day you meet and fall in love with a man that's died and come back. if fate is destined and soulmates are real, you imagine the two separate paths of your lives traveling parallel, in sync—and his breaking away for one horrible moment, torn from you before you even knew it.
bakugou is half-asleep, you know, but he shifts until his chin is lightly nudging your forehead, and speaks into your hair. "nah," he murmurs, voice thick and slow and slurred. "would'a found you eventually."
and somehow, you can't find it in your heart to doubt him.
#just#imagine meeting a man and loving him and knowing that he'd died and come back#like fully DIED#not almost not kind of but dead done-zo#that's just so insane#how easily you could have never known him#could have never known him the way you do now#waaaahhh#not to diminish his pain and suffering and death and resurrection and trauma and only acknowledge it for a romantic scenario#but you very easily might have never known bakugou katsuki#and that is not lost on you#✿ willow writes#✿ thoughts: bakugou#✿ theme: domestic bakugou
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
I'll never not believe that Davos is the one who fell first and harder. that he wasn't the one getting his heart truly broken. the one fighting for Aaron's love and attention and aching when he is denied. the one longing for Aeron and having to reckon with the fact that he can never truly have him, there's too much keeping them apart.
sure, Aeron has his own feelings, his own longing, his dread.
but you can see it in their faces, it's Davos's heart that's a mess, his soul that is aching, while Aeron is more confused and unsure of his own feelings and where they lie in the mess that is feuds and war and blood and kin.
Davos is angry but full of bitter, rage filled acceptance. Aeron is scared, confused, and stuck between acceptance and denial. and it's breaking me.
#Davos was down bad and suffering because of it and ill never be ok about it#thats the face of a man whose come to terms with his feelings and is wallowing in them and doom that surrounds him#he's angry! with the world. with fate. with Aeron for once again choosing the other side. with himself for his feelings.#Aeron is scared of what he feels. scared of loving Davos. scared of him in general. scared of what lies ahead.#he's in the grey area between denial and acceptance#he can't accept his fate#maybe Davos sees that he's suffering his pain alone and ks angru about that too#my roman empire#aeron bracken x davos blackwood#aeron x davos#davos blackwood#davos blackwood x aeron braken#davos x aeron#aeron bracken#brackwood#davron#hotd#house bracken#house blackwood
782 notes
·
View notes
Text
wip of a request im trying to finish i’m gonna die painting this!!
#why did i decide to do a background…#i love pain and suffering#i have a big pile of stuff i started recently… i’m bad at planning what to finish first :(#so stuff just comes out done whenever…#this is the reason why i’ve never taken comms yet… i’m too disorganized sadly#my art#wip#mp100#serirei
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
evil time loop escape conditions where you can't get out until you've fuucked up your life in the most spectacular way possible, confident that the next night will reset the slate as usual.
instead, the next day comes.
#that's the first chapter btw#the rest of the story is about coming back from the fallout#trying to make amends#something something the hubris of believing you were above consequences#coming to terms with the pain you were willing to cause in the moment because you never thought it would last (but it did)#actually maybe this is just undertale geno route#post cancelled undertale did it already#lol mostly i was trying to figure out if i could get to new york in a daily reset time loop#i probably could if i fucked up my life#and of COURSE that would be the day it didn't reset
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
codtwt is going off on brainwashed!soap bc of his new warzone skin and it’s making me think of ghost deliberately getting himself captured by makarov bc he knows he’ll be given to his dog to try and break him; knows he won’t be able to resist the irony, the cruelty of being tortured by the teammate he lost
he doesn’t fight; welcomes the chains around his wrists and ankles, welcomes the hands stripping him of his weapons and gear until he's defenceless
he wouldn't use them anyway
when he stalks into the room, the muzzle, the scars, not even the blank hatred or lack of recognition could make him mistake his eyes
that's his johnny
he doesn't flinch as he digs knives into his skin; would never shy away from his kiss even if it's tinged with rusted steel. doesn't swallow his screams; not when he always loved hearing him, when he spent so long coaxing his voice from the grave
frustration joins the anger in johnny's eyes the longer he goes without giving up information
just jokes; dark and puns alike
just advice when he can't get the jumper cables to spark right
ghost's not trying to escape; not trying to barter his return to the 141
he's right where he wants to be
#ghost letting him be tortured indefinitely if it means being with johnny i am going to eat glass#he doesnt even care if he never gets him back. if the brainwashing is permanent#he still treats him the same. gives him openings to meet a punchline or rib him for something#no matter how long he goes without responding. without giving him any hope of becoming the man he knew#if pain is all he’ll ever get from johnny again he’ll welcome it gratefully with open arms#he got his share of kindness. more than he ever thought he deserved. if pain has to balance it out then so be it#so long as johnny is the one giving it to him#meanwhile soap gets more and more frustrated that he cant break this soldier#that when he becomes more inventive he just meets him with a story about people he doest know but acts like he should#that every day when his master calls him away he leaves with a soft - /loving/ - see you tomorrow johnny echoing in his ears#he doesnt understand#and it just makes him more vicious#but the soldier doesnt care#he still smiles in the face of pain#still calls him johnny#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#soapghost#ghostsoap#ghoap#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#soap cod#john soap mactavish#ghost x soap#save post
439 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sometimes terms mean certain things and belong to certain groups of people and are not meant to apply to people outside that group. And that is on purpose and valid. You can make your own terms to describe your own experiences, you don't get to take terms from other people, especially people more vulnerable/less privileged than you. If multiple people tell you that the term is not for you, respect that.
When terms get used for many different situations they get diluted and trivialized. Remember "trigger"? It was a specific medical term and is now used to mean "something that pissed or upset someone". Brain fog is now turning into abled people just being a little sleepy or out of it, not literally a clinical term for brains not functioning correctly due to various illnesses. I tell someone I have brain fog and they say lol me too XD no you fucking don't. "Spirit animal" was taken from indigenous peoples so white people could make funny haha relatable t-shirts. Two spirit almost got taken by queer white people as well (although I think most people have backed off on that hopefully).
Not everything needs to apply to as many people as possible. You don't need to and can't relate to everyone. We can still support each other while respecting differences.
(Edited ver)
#wrenfea.exe#this is about people using nonverbal for selective mutism btw#and about mentally ill abled people using cripple#like if ambulatory wheelchair users can come up with our own term then you can too#idk if its not as concise or it takes effort to get it to catch on#you dont get to steal the work other people have done to spread awareness of their term and its meaning#disability#nonverbal#selective mutism#spoonie#chronic disability#chronic pain#chronic illness#cripple#cripple punk#autism#adhd#readying my inbox for a wave of the stupidest people who've never seen any of my posts to flood the gates#i saw someone throwing ambulatory wheelchair users under the bus to justify why they should be able#to use the term nonverbal#pls correct me if you are from the relevant communities#i updated this to make it more accurate bc funnily enough brain fog made me forget about chronic illness triggers
952 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey, what makes a character a 'plot device but not a character'? And how do you not do that? I'm trying to do it on purpose but also I need to still make them interesting because it's on purpose, yknow?
A good skill to pick up is to learn to criticise criticism itself. A "plot device" is simply a thing that moves the plot along, it's a neutral literary analysis term! Usually, when people are angry that "a character has been used as a plot device," it doesn't mean they hate plot devices. It means they're gesturing at something deeper.
Runningwind and Bumble are equally plot devices in their deaths. They are both killed by the antagonist to escalate political tension. Runningwind is rarely "accused" of just being a plot device, and yet, we're talking about Bumble for the same thing.
So, why?
Well, Runningwind is just a background character, but in life, he was a part of the community. He was characterized as impatient but responsible. Yet, he wasn't SO important that he died with a bunch of unresolved plot threads.
He is mostly an extension of the entity of ThunderClan. His killing by Tigerstar, and the fear and paranoia that settles on the group after this, feel like a progression of the story insteas of something forced.
Bumble, on the other hand...
Is hated immediately by Gray Wing, when she's established as Turtle Tail's friend. Bumble's abuse at Tom the Wifebeater's hands invites even MORE investment. The rejection is shocking and upsetting. There's a story there about our main characters being imperfect; jealous, bigoted, and judgemental.
But, she is simply killed off. Everything they set up for this character is gone with little personalized fanfare. It's not a tragedy with a lesson about cruelty, or something anyone regrets.
It's just... plot. Gray Wing whinging that no one will like his shitty brother now that his body count is 2.
More than that, in the discussion of women in particular, "Fridging" was coined to give a name to the way women characters often don't get their stories told at all. There is a CULTURAL trend of female characters facing disproportionate violence, for the sake of advancing male plots.
Bumble has a lot going for her. Petal had a lot going for her. Turtle Tail had a lot going for her. Bright Stream had a lot going for her. When they died, they took their potential with them.
It's not always wrong to kill off a character of high potential, mind you. In Gurren Lagann, Kamina's death is sudden and shocking, leaving a massive hole in the hearts of the cast that never heals. Grappling with that loss, but also letting his memory fuel them, is a major theme of that story.
All that to say... there's no formula for avoiding it. You've gotta identify what the deeper issue is, in your specific narrative.
I can't say for certain what that will look like for your story, but here's some things I keep in mind;
When you make characters who exist to die, make sure they're people before you axe them.
Ask yourself; what about them does the cast miss?
If they just miss them because they were (pre-existing relationship), go back to the drawing board.
Fluttering Bird as an example. Who was she? Dead sister. Why do they miss her? Dead sister. No traits until after her death.
Runningwind was short-tempered and helpful. Kamina was a valuable leader who made people believe in a brighter future. Swiftpaw was fiesty and desperate to prove himself. The better characterized, the more profound the loss usually is.
If this is a female character who is dying just to serve the plot, be aware of cultural bias and tropes. How is the gender ratio looking in your cast? Is this happening disproportionately with your girls?
Note how Quiet Rain's litter had both a boy and a girl, but the girl was chosen to be "weaker" and wither away.
And how most of the time in DOTC, whenever a man had to be upset, a girl would get killed for it.
If you ever feel like the character on the chopping block is NOT a full character, ask yourself why it needs to be a character at all. You don't need to spend narrative time building out someone when a literal object of high value might suffice.
"My sister died when I swore to protect her and I can't face my family" = Old. Tired. Ive seen this.
"I lost my heirloom sword when I swore to protect it and I can't face my family." = Fascinating. Why was the sword so valuable? Will they really not take you back? How did you lose it?
When you do kill off "high value" characters, try to make sure you're not leaving too many plot threads hanging. Or at least make a point of how they will never get closure.
#Bones gives advice#These questions can be hard for me to advise on because making characters is one of the easy parts for me.#It's more the “working them into a story without overwhelming it” part#But making characters that are fun and interesting has always come naturally to me as a writer.#I just work out some fun dialogue and fill in what their wants and desires would be based on backstory#And the rest kinda fills itself out as the message and themes of my narrative forms.#In fact the thing that makes BB so easy for me to work on is having an existing “story template” in mind#I don't have to chart out the long term events in advance because I do have a full picture of what leads where#And what I want to say with each rework.#I've always been told I'm really good at killing off characters though#Especially in my RP days. I remember I singlehandedly turned a pretty standard 'escape from evil lab' plot into--#--a painful story about loyalty and suffering. I was the main villain and the escapees knew he would never give up.#Because he loved their master and believed fully in the idea of 'sacrifice for the greater good.'#Always friendly. Passionate. Would have been a dedicated leader in a slightly different setting.#They knew he would never want to actually hurt them so they had to trick him into trying to “coral” them with his fire powers on ice#He didn't know it was ice and melted through#I guess the thing I do is just... make them cool lmao. It's hard to give advice on this#''Draw the rest of the owl 4head''
178 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sometimes I think about Aventurine in the moment he first discovered his Pathstrider abilities. The moment he first realized he could shield not only himself but also others. The very first moment he realized he could be a source of safety, rather than a burden--than a curse.
Sometimes I think about the hatred he must have felt for himself in that instant.
Where was this power when their camps were burned to the ground with every last one of their meager possessions? Where was this power when his mother died begging as he cowered, playing dead in a bath of the blood of everyone he knew?
Where was this power when his sister stood tall, a silhouette against the lightning, and used her body as the shield? Where was this power in the maze, when it could have spared the screaming child who was the first to die?
You could have saved them. You could have saved them. You could have saved them.
#honkai star rail#aventurine#it's Aventurine angst hour!!!#come get your pain!#sometimes my thoughts on Aventurine are just#“Try not to cry.” “Cry a lot.”#but in particular I think about Aventurine unlocking Preservation powers a lot#canon doesn't tell us whether it happened before or after becoming a Stoneheart#and either way I think could be great#like if it happened right when he first got free#how useless and late it must have felt#if it happened after he became a Stoneheart#how much would he question it#is he a true Pathstrider or just piggy-backing on Diamond's gift#will he lose that protection if he leaves the Stonehearts?#then he can never leave because that's the best tool he has for saving people he loves#don't mind me#sometimes I too want to torment the best boy
222 notes
·
View notes
Text
note: no corpses were undressed, Jerry just explains things in a very Jerry way Tales From The Gas Station Vol.2
#this one was requested on pain gravy!#do crime yall#jerry and his shirts will never be not funny#tales from the gas station#tftgs#art#artwork#fanart#tftgs fanart#tftgs jack#tftgs jerry#tftgs o'brian#Amelia O'Brien#jack townsend#jerry pascal#OH ALSO- i used the diner from 24/7 of the sandman as a lil ref/ easter egg#i know its a house of pancakes Jack its ok iv just never been in one#dont come for me i dont get out a lot sgfjhvv
174 notes
·
View notes
Text
Let's talk about some lesser known symptoms of autism! Maybe this will help some of you get a broader perspective on what this can be like. There is a whole grab bag of symptoms of autism, but here are some ones you may not know that you have.
Focus on truth
What does this mean? Well glad you asked. This is the focus on facts and logic rather than anything else. People have shown this as autistic people may refusing to lie because it goes against what they find as true. But that's not always the case.
Have you ever used logic to try and figure out your emotions?
Are you someone who doesn't understand why others may speculate when the current knowledge is right there? (such as subtext versus canon knowledge or theoretical arguments)
Do you find it frustrating when others avoid their problems as a way to avoid figuring out negative things? (such as avoiding conflict in a friend group)
Is it easy for you to talk about your strengths and flaws? Do you know your likes, dislikes and limits pretty well?
High context communication
This is preference on details and the full context of any situation. Often going into great detail and backstory to anything.
Do you feel as though you need to overexplain to give the person everything they need to know?
Have you ever apologized to someone by explaining the deep and meaningful reasons of why you did it, before you said you were sorry? And maybe even felt upset or confused why they reacted badly?
Have you ever felt stressed out because you wanted to give others full detail but they either interrupted you or cut you off?
Are you stressed out by people who tell you what to do and not why they want you to do it?
Are you ever told that you talk back a lot?
Do you prefer recipes versus verbal/vague instructions? (All the things that you need such as ingredients, measurements, prep time, etc.)
Do you really like watching deep dives and knowing about the whole history of something you're even vaguely interested in?
Identity diffusion
This is not everyone's experience, and it is common in a variety of other disorders such as DID and BPD. However, it is when you do not know who you are in regards to others. This is also known as identity disturbance.
Have you ever felt like an outsider without knowing why?
Are you deeply interested on what other people think of you? Especially if it's all the time?
Do you really like taking personality tests and quizzes? Are you interested in horoscopes?
Do you feel like you don't fit in any one specific group? Either being a loner, or hopping in between many different groups?
Do you ever feel weirder than the "weird kids" group? Do you not really get along or feel like you belong with them?
Do you have low self esteem when it comes to comparing yourself to your friends? Do you feel like they're better or more capable than you?
Do you feel drastically unimportant and not as interesting or cool as everyone else?
Have you ever related to narratives surrounding a character that is the last of their kind?
Do you feel like your identity is a vast and gaping void, that even if you learn a little bit, that you'll never know everything?
Internalized repetition
This is one of those traits that not every autistic person experiences, but that some might. You could say that for all autistic traits, but hey, good to know regardless. Because of internalized repetition, you may not do many external stims, besides vocal.
Do you listen to a song over and over again? Perhaps having a playlist on repeat?
When stressed out, do you type the same word or phrase over and over again?
Do you like looking at the same things, such as the same color or the same artist's works?
Do you really like certain patterns, crystals or aesthetics?
Do you enjoy games with recognizable fighting patterns? (Such as character rotation, boss battle rotation, etc.)
Struggling to connect to others *
This is something that's been characterized by struggling to connect to others through their emotions, but the opposite is actually true for many autistic people. *I will be talking about those who struggle to connect to others who are emotionally distant or unavailable. Being emotionally distant or not showing emotions externally is a trait that many autistic people share, but for those without alexithymia, they may struggle to understand why anyone wouldn't like to talk about their emotions. I don't know the specific symptom term for this, so please bare with me. If anyone would like to inform me about what this is called, please tell me.
Do you struggle to talk with dry texters, or tend to over-examine people's tone through text?
Do you have anxious attachment?
Do you feel disconnected with many other autistic people and struggle to make friends or talk to them?
Do you feel embarrassment or shame with being emotionally sensitive?
Have you fallen down the rabbit hole of things like starseeds, star children or empaths?
Do you want to talk about serious emotions a lot, even when its not appropriate?
Do you trauma dump or wish people would become more emotionally intimate with you? Do you enjoy it when people share their deep traumas with you, even if it's triggering?
Are you constantly reassurance seeking?
There is plenty more symptoms out there, and these are just a few that stood out to me, because I think I may be autistic. I've always related somewhat, but never connected the dots. But there are reasons for that, such as identity diffusion and thinking I'm different from everyone else no matter what. I struggled because I didn't seem to have a lot of the outward and visible symptoms that were often talked about. I thought every autistic person had alexithymia, when that's just not true. My best friend, who has similar symptoms to me, along with another close friend of mine, have a similar presentation of autism. And it's taken quite a bit for me to accept or process. I feel like I'm faking my experiences just because I've self diagnosed before. And I'm angry that ADHD isn't given enough significance.
But I think I might be autistic, and this article that I based this post off of, confirmed it. So here's my post informing and coming out on that. You can be autistic and highly masking without actually knowing what's going on is masking. You can be autistic and have a spectrum of verbality, you can be autistic and struggle to connect to anyone who isn't immediately emotionally intimate with you. You can be autistic and not relate at all to other autistic people.
You're not alone.
#babey posts#actually autistic#audhd#autism#autism spectrum disorder#i know its a spectrum disorder but bro it doesn't feel like it#its broader than you might realize#you can be autistic and struggle to accept it#this has been the most frustrating and painful realization#i just. i feel a lot of negative feelings at myself about this#but i want to curate a place for people to exist without judgement#and before the anti self dx ppl come in here. this has never been the blog for you.#if youre like this. you belong here.#and if you just understand this. you also belong here.#you're not alone
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
SUA LORE (I'm going to die one of these days fuck)
When Sua was younger, among all the sisters she had grown up with, she had one older sister, but seemingly, unlike their other sisters, that woman didn't treat Sua with hostility, in fact, she looked like she doted on Sua and looked out for her.
Translation (Creds to: @/greenbean1467 on yt in the comments section):
1/2 ?: You should take care of your hair. (Woah, careful) ?: So immature… 2/2 ?: Alright, it can’t be helped. Sua has to be punished! Tickle tickle! [ At that time, you were my only person, and for that reason, you also made me afraid. ]
"You were my only person, and for that reason, you also made me afraid" Is just...All her life, Sua had been an isolated individual, by choice, and because she had been shunned by her family, avoided due to her cold nature, and during those times she's only had two people to who she could really show herself too, this woman and Mizi, this woman being the only person Sua had in her life I can only imagine how afraid Sua was of losing her sister, and just how much her sister terrified her at times.
1/2 SUA: Mhm, so mother said, it’ll be time to leave after ten more nights. And mother seems happy, and I too… SUA: And that pink-haired kid could be there too, so… ?: Didn’t I tell you it’s uncouth to wiggle your toes like that? 2/2 SUA: Oh… I won’t then. ?: Ugh, so cute! ?: But you know, big sis is worried. ?: Worried that our immature little Sua could just up and die in that hellish place.
This woman and Sua look to be close; they are affectionate, and Sua almost seems to look up to this woman as if a sister figure, but the detail here I'm interested in is how worried this woman is about Sua and her remarks about Sua, she cares about Sua. Still, it shows that she looks down on Sua to some degree, whether this be in a teasing tone or not, I'm unsure. But there's an obvious obsessive fixation on Sua's innocence. And even in this relationship, cruelty was reinforced as a means to an end.
1/2 ?: You’re already so stupid, what if you just up and die in that place? ?: You poor thing, Sua. [They say that corpses fall from the sky in that place. When a weak kid like Sua just up and dies, They burn those kids in a hot, hot fire, And then they open the sky lid to sprinkle them over the living kids Like snow raining down. ] 2/3 ?: Even if it's not, I'm not smart, but I've gone so far ?: Pick--If you die. What should I do? ?: It's so cute Sua.
Growing up under the same guardian, Nigeh, who valued quality and beauty in her pets, it becomes obvious why Sua's sister was criticizing her appearance. She'd grown up hearing the same criticisms from the harsh and cold Nigeh who didn't care for their pets beyond their value, and what all they could bring to the plate, I could imagine just what kinds of things Nigeh would say to a pet human with "abnormalities".
Sua, however, was the perfect pet human, she was pretty, obedient, and acted obediently for Nigeh as a manicured doll to meet their expectations. She was attached to Nigeh like a daughter to a mother, looking to their validation to feel as if she was more valuable than she truly was even though the love wasn't reciprocated. For these reasons, she was treated differently from her other sisters, of course, there would be a level of envy and projection from Sua's sister.
Sua's sister is shown to be anxious about Sua, she seems to have been attached to her in the way a hurt child needs a security blanket to rest at night, Sua is so childish, naive, and stupid, it is reassuring to her sister to have someone to care for, as if there was still hope in this world, so without Sua, her sister's worries wouldn't be soothed, her sister was so scared that she even threatened Sua with fear, expressing how frightening and horrific this environment would be (Like, "Pick, if you die" I read it as "If I lose you, what should I do?)
In this way, Sua seems to parallel mirror woman because Sua had this same dependency on Mizi, again, in the way a hurt, lonely, scared child needs a security blanket to rest at night, Sua wanted Mizi to remain naive and stupid, willingly kept her in the dark so that Sua could feel a sense of peace and security through her, her sister was the same way with Sua, she wanted to keep Sua from the hell she would be subjected to very, very soon, but in the end, telling Sua ugly truths, about the snow, and all, had to have been fueled by bitter feelings, to rid Sua of that type of innocence, could have been any kind of love, perhaps in a twisted way she wanted to protect Sua.
She obviously had to have been mentally unstable (understandably) to say these kinds of things to a child, no less, the way she stares at Sua like she's desperate and broken, really, it's not loving, it's just desperate and cruel. Really, the fact that Alien stage can bring a person to this kind of insanity is a horrifying concept. Still, I believe she was trying to teach a lesson to Sua at this time in her life when she was growing up, making attachments and being susceptible to impressions, it was purposely harsh to frighten her, to project her fears onto Sua, and those words from her sister stuck with Sua for the rest of her life.
From that day on, all Sua could think about was death, all she could do was worry and worry until she met Mizi again.
Meeting Mizi, in all her optimism and bright smiles, was like a healing balm on Sua's wounds, or in other words, her "Cure" .
1/2 SUA: Big sister, your words then made me, as young as I was, all the more afraid. I imagined “just up and dying” so many times, even more than before… 2/2 SUA: But if I meet you again, I want to tell you this. That you were wrong. The one to be pitied was probably you.
1/2 SUA: If this is hell… 2/2 MIZI: Found you! You're that snow doll!
Interestingly enough, Mizi calling Sua a "snow doll" may be a foreshadowing of Sua's death, as now it's semi-confirmed that dead children are cremated and sprinkled down onto the Anakt children's faces, but they only think it's snow. (THAT IS JUST FUCKING SICK. someone kill me)
And a parallel to the MIZISUA video, their first meeting. (The nickname is just--telling of how Sua is perceived, as a little dressed-up doll.)
(And that fact just gives this piece a wholeeee darker meaning. of course. It somewhat disproves the theory that the dead are instead fed to the Wagyein, but I don't know which is worse. Then again Sua's sister could've been going off on a psychotic rant, so I'm not taking it too seriously. It's a weird coincidence though)
1/2 SUA: Where else could you find such a paradise so wonderful? 2/2 SUA: So you're wrong.
(Some nuance may be lost in translation. I died)
So this comic, like Ivan's comic after ROUND 6, Cure, Heavenly Garden, was Sua's reminiscing during her final moments, and her only thoughts were the words of her sister, her face, haunting as it was, and Mizi, her universe.
Sua's sister pitied her for her inevitable fate, she had known the life of being a pet-human, used, abused, and hurt, she feared death and still had her instincts intact. Knowing Sua would go through the same cycle and then meet a terrible fate on that hellish stage...tasted bitter. It was frightening, but it was one small liberty for Sua to make it something of her own.
But for Sua, it was far from hell. Sua's sister references Anakt garden and Alien stage as a whole as hell because it's a one-way ticket to your demise, there is no true life once you're in, that's why it's so frightening, but being found by Mizi in that garden--Mizi was wonderful, Mizi made Sua feel like a child, to feel warm in her bright, gentle light, feeling the tranquility of feeling freed and loved in the comfort of Mizi's gentle song, Sua didn't want to be pitied, she didn't even regret making it this far, she didn't care about death as long as she wasn't without Mizi, Because to be able to be with her, and sing with her...everything was all worth it to meet Mizi. For Sua, there is no fate more miserable than living a life without Mizi and dying that way. Living a life of loneliness and anxiety was pitiful.
Side note, the title of this comic, Heavenly Garden, maybe a religious reference and, more specifically, a reference to the Garden of Eden. The themes here that connect to "Return to the Great Anakt", all children, in ashes and all will eventually return to the great Anakt, it gives me the idea that after Sua's death, her "Heaven", was returning to Anakt Garden and returning to her paradise, Mizi.
#I have never said I want to kill myself in a fandom more than I have after following alien stage#im going to kill myself by the way#THIS IS JUST#RUGHGHHHHH#straight yammering IM IN PAIN#VIVINOS. QMENG. YOU ARE SICK.#alien stage#alnst#alien stage sua#mizisua#alnst sua#sighffhh#sighhghgh#i adore Sua and Till's stories so much#and im still puzzled on the meaning behind the title buttttt#i think its a type of symbolism#I ALSO REALLY LIKE THE DESIGN OF SUA'S SISTER?#SHE'S GORGOUS#kind of insane but#she's beautiful#sob#*explodes*#Ivan and Sua's dying thoughts via comics coming out after singing cure is something#its really something#quite fitting though in both versions where they sing cure they are the most honest they can be#my brain is shaking in my skull#alnst mizi#sua alien stage#sua alnst#sua
188 notes
·
View notes