#but taking it out of my head feels like i'd be taking my coping mechanisms onto another level with this and it's kinda terrifying & awkward

[blackrevell]

forever torn between "i dragged my oc through 5 universes over years, maybe I should finally post smth about them for once" and "i must keep my maladaptive daydreaming under wraps and prevent it from spilling into the world at all costs"

[fingertipsmp3]

I love knowingly making bad decisions

[libraford]

More medical under the cut, I am using humor as a coping mechanism and I'm not terribly funny.

I'm having trouble getting over the size of it. Like I'd never had an ultrasound before so I wasn't sure what I was looking at. So when she did the exterior reading I thought maybe the big black hole I was looking at was my uterus and maybe it was just at a weird angle.

So when she pointed to the little white smudge at the bottom and said 'that's what we can see of your uterus' and measured out the 9cm of the big black hole and said 'that's the fibroid' I was like...

...I've picked up baseballs at the park of that size.

That's a newborn's head.

That's a christmas ornament.

That's a goose egg.

That's one of those little bottles of soy sauce they have at fancy chinese restaurants.

I have picked mushrooms smaller than that.

There's a wad of toilet paper stuck to the ceiling of my high school bathroom that size.

An orange. Like a navel orange, not those little clementines.

Trial size coffee samples.

I can go to a Michael's, rummage through the wooden balls they have there and find an appropriately sized one for somewhere between 6.99 and 10.99 and then use a 30% off coupon on it because those things never go on sale so it would be eligible for the single item discount.

Someone said it takes these things 4-5 years to get to 2cm.

... so times 4.

....so 20ish years.

...so I would have been 17.

I complained about heavy, painful periods as early as 13 and people told me that it was normal, that my body would grow into it.

"No guys, seriously. It hurts a lot and I don't think I'm supposed to bleed this much."

I'd get used to it. My hormones would even out. I was being dramatic. This was a beautiful time in my life.

Wow. 9 whole centimeters. I have a camera lens that size. Balls of yarn. Cosmetic sponges. That geode I found at my grandmama's house. Shot put balls. The roots on one of my monstera plants is forming a ball about that size.

That's kind of what it feels like, actually. It feels like digging roots into me and filling up the space.

I'm thinking about all the pairs of pants that I've ruined in 20 years. This is why I don't wear khakis.

[celestialprincesse]

Hey hun! I just wanted to send this (completely self-indulgent) ask so if you don't wanna write it, yer all good <3.

But how would you think either Ghost or Soap would respond to their partner getting a bad diagnosis. Like not anything fatal but something they'll deal with for the rest of their life?

Anyways have a great day you deserve it!

Perfectly happy to write this!!!! Chronic illness and I are better acquainted than I'd like to admit n writing is like my favourite coping mechanism💕🥴🤚

The dull cream walls of your doctors office have become far too familiar, so has the drone of his voice, and the incessant hum of the ancient AC unit which leaves the room always that little bit too cold. Simon's hand on your back is the only thing saving you from zoning out entirely. In a way, you so wish it isn't keeping you there in the room. You'd give anything to drift away into that comfortable place in the corner of your mind where everything is hazy and warm and nothing hurts. Today, of course, you're not granted such a privilege.

" - treatable, but unfortunately incurable."

You're not surprised, but it doesn't hurt any less either. It's impossible to ignore the way Simon's fingers flex against the base of your spine, his brows furrowing with disappointment as he looks down at the results of your blood tests. The way you feel has long since passed dread - settled on that horrible tear jerking feeling of defeat. Life has fucked you sideways, before well and truly leaving you in the dirt.

Simon ushers you to the car in silence, his heart breaking when your head drops into your hands, a frustrated sigh breaking the terse silence you'd fallen into, your mind having run so fast it stopped completely. The emptiness, the lack of distraction, feels far worse.

He soothes you in the best way he knows. "Takeaway? You fancy sushi?" Anything, he'll do anything to coax you from your thoughts, anything to see you smile. He just needs to see you smile.

If he has to take you to the pet store, or the bookstore or sephora, or the most expensive chocolate shop in town, or drop you off to Price's to sit with his wife and watch romcoms with pints of ice cream, whatever he has to do, he'll do it.

You plead to just go home. You just want to sit on the couch and wallow.

He puts up less of a fight than you'd expect, dropping into the supermarket to grab a pint of milk before driving the two of you back home.

By the time you've changed back into your sweats and one of Simon's old hoodies, he's covered the coffee table in all of your favourite snacks, your favourite movie ready to go, and open arms for you to walk into.

"Not gonna let my girl be sick and sad, yeah?"

[tyudearyous]

dilly dally - c.s

pairing : choi san x reader

genre : fluff, angst

wc : 880

author's note : was in the mood of writing and had this idea for quite some time now so why not? LESGOOO. also, everything here is fiction and isn't accurate to the person! differentiate reality and fiction okay!!

🎵 for lovers who hesitate - jannabi

masterlist

...

"choi san. how much are you going to drink?"

your nagging rings on san's head continuously while he takes sips after sips of the alcohol in front of him. it was a random saturday when he had the sudden urge to drink and lose it all. well, it was a coping mechanism perhaps? it was his favorite way of coping with all the feelings he's experiencing.

he loved your company and he wished he could have it all the time. however, you were just friends. nothing more, nothing less.

"do you remember when we first met?"

a sudden urge to reminisce came over to san. he was pretty much wasted at this point. he was smiling at you, as you tried to remember the events of the past.

"it has been ten years so you probably don't"

he laughed slightly while sulking. he doesn't understand it. why does his heart hurt when you don't remember the events of the past? why is he this bothered? and oh. i'm crying, he thought.

"wait, why are you crying? wait wait i'm sorry, i only remember a bit that's why i was hesitating, oh come on sannie let's not cry okay?"

you comforted him in panic. he was a big emotional dude but even so, you just didn't expect he'd shed tears out of nowhere. you went over the table to sit next to him and wipe off the tears that were running down his cheeks. he then nuzzled into your shoulders and continued sobbing for some time. you let him be, because that's what friends do. right?

"i wish you loved me like i do"

his confession made you froze on the spot. he likes you? your best friend of almost a decade, had feelings for you?

"it's okay, i don't expect anything hic but can you pat me right now? i'm not asking for too much right?"

san looked up to your frozen expression. he knew he was fighting a losing battle. he knew it all too well but he'd do anything even for a moment. he'd do everything.

"i made you uncomfortable right"

he chuckled before moving away from you and continued finishing the bottle of alcohol he drank from previously. his cheeks are flushed and tears kept streaming down his face.

"san, i-"

"it's okay. i'd rather you not say anything more. i know it's just me hic, so let's just be friends hic. nothing more nothing less."

you couldn't answer him any further. it was the truth, it was just him, you never really saw him in that light. except for that time when you did but you never had the guts to do anything. he was supposed to be out of your league. it was supposed to be that way.

the situation was uncomfortable for the both of you. you decided to just leave his apartment to not make the situation worsen.

"stop drinking, i'll take my leave and don't cry too much. you'll puff up"

and with that you took your leave. leaving san in his room, alone with his feelings and emotions all over the place. normally you'd stay but you couldn't that day. it was supposed to be this way, right?

the walk home was difficult. you had to take in the fact that your best friend had feelings for you but you never noticed it and heck, you even buried your own feelings just because you were convinced he was not someone attainable to you. but with the new revelation, everything felt like it became a mess.

...

"did you fight with san?"

it feels like you've heard that question hundreds if not thousands of time this past few weeks. after the whole confession, you couldn't approach san that easily anymore. he needed space and you too. you haven't talked to each other for weeks now and it was weird at first but it was for the better.

"no, why?"

you always acted nonchalant, without fail anytime asked you about san. however, this act of yours is far too noticeable in the end. how could you leave someone who has always been there for you so easily? how can you act alright if deep down, you're just a mess?

that's exactly how you end up finding yourself hovering over your phone, deciding to send san a text explaining everything. it was selfish but losing him was hard for you and you couldn't handle it. thus, you sent him the text, hoping he'd reply.

hours passed, days passed, weeks passed, still no response. it was clear enough for you. he didn't want to do anything with you anymore. it's not his fault, it was never his fault. it was never your fault either. it was simply how things should unfold. it's fine. it's better this way. it was genuinely better this way.

or was it? or was it just you trying to convince yourself? whatever it is, that was how you lost both your best friend and your first love.

the end. or is it the end?

[ghduck]

Please Read.

Some of you may have seen my recent posts, or have been requesting things lately. That's only because I've been able to outsmart my parents in still attempting to work without them knowing. Honestly, I'm not in the best mental state right now.

Demotivation mostly.

I've been having major issues controlling my stress and anxiety the past month or two, and sometimes I'm feeling pressured outside of my passion. Sometimes I feel like a failure to you guys, or even to my own family.

School is probably the main thing taking a chokehold of my (etats latnem). I'm trying the best I can in things, but with school mostly I haven't done the best. I've gotten things taken away from me, I've been scolded by my parents (mother mostly) about this.

My dad has said that my passion has been silly at times, while my mother hasn't said much about it.

It even seems like they care more about my numbers in school then how I'm doing really. My dad thinks it just a phase, and I'm too scared to tell my mom, because I think she would feel the same as my dad.

The main thing that helps me is hiding out in my room when I get home from school every day. When I'd have schoolwork, I'm not lazy, but really demotivated.

I'm going to try to ask my parents for therapy possibly, if not then my sister who has gone through similar situations.

Also I'm being caught up with a bunch of things at once, being following what I love doing in my life, to doing a shitload schoolwork that doesn't benefit me at all in my life. I'm attempting to slow down a bit, but I'm not too sure how right now.

I may not post as much to control myself for a while, but shit will be done. Requests and other projects I love doing will be finished. I'm not sure how, but it will.

I'm gonna do what I love best in life, making things for you guys to enjoy. It's my only coping mechanism, to the point where I'm using my computer without permission right now to write this.

I know I'm still young, but I'm going to have to make some decisions on my own for my own good.

MORAL OF THE STORY: DO WHAT YOU DO BEST AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Anyway, thanks for ruining your heads with my content.

[oneirophobic]

MESMERIZED - m. sturniolo ( ★ )

part of the 'summer fun' series

summary : you think water is such a beautiful thing, you know what matt thinks is a beautiful thing?

warnings : [ IMPLIED FEM!READER ] anxiety, mentions of depression, coping mechanisms, water, strong mother-daughter relationship, mentions of feet, reader wears a bikini, horrible dad joke, cat calling, no use of y/n, not proofread well

a/n : thanks for two hundred followers! (you guys got pranked so hard lol) sorry for not posting fics, i've been busy. this fic also has significance to me, i struggle with my mental health and use water to cope. if you're struggling yourself, do not be afraid to reach out to me, my dms are always open.

ever since i was a baby, i was fond of the water, a water baby my mom would say. she'd sit me in between her legs in the shallow end of a lake we camped alongside. the water brushing against my small, fragile hips; releasing sweet giggles from me as i splashed the water onto her inked thighs. i'd fall asleep there in between her legs, eventually being dazed by the tiny fish that swam nibbling at her feet and the way her tattoos distorted under the ripples.

even when we were away from the lake, i'd refuse to get out of the tub until the tiny pads of my fingers looked like the raisins i had as a snack earlier. crying and pleading for her to let me stay in there although i hadn't been able to form a singular word properly. she'd give in and sit with me outside the bathtub with her steamy romance novels in hand, looking up between paragraphs at the smile on my face as i splashed around with an assortment of rubber ducks.

as i grew older, my mom would let me swim at the end of the dock with her by my side, my tiny torso just above the rippling water. i'd dunk myself into the water, watching the minnows nibble at my tiny feet through the lenses of my goggles. giggling as i stuck my head back up, facing my mom with sparks in my eyes, "it tickles, mommy!"

by the time i was in middle school, i had unfortunately developed anxiety. i'd skip school because i grew so physically sick, staying in bed all day, crying uncontrollably. my mom had to stop by the school on those days on her way home from work, giving me a saddened look as she handed me the papers. i'd do them in a blur, my eyes swollen and stinging from my tears.

on one of those days, i had to take a shower, my hair was a greasy knotted mess. my mom helped me detangle it, being gentle as she worked her way to the top of my head. i hesitated before stripping off my three day old clothes, not daring to look at my bare reflection.

i slid into the lukewarm water, standing there for a minute. i felt all the stress being rinsed from my body. i lowered myself to the shower floor and sat there until the water ran cold. i began showering every day, before and after school. the way it felt against my skin made me feel comforted within seconds.

years later, i still use that coping mechanism. i began to learn to control my anxiety, thanks to matt. matt and i got close near the end of junior year, we sat next to each other in math class; always helping each other.

this one specific day, i had been cat called by a group of boys and was absolutely terrified that it was going to happen again. i began overthinking: "are my jeans too tight? can you see my bra through my shirt? am i wearing too much makeup?"

the algebraic equations being written on the board quickly became irrelevant, my breathing was picking up and my throat was closing. matt noticed the increase in my breathing pattern, quickly turning to me as he saw the tears brimming in my eyes. he quickly grabbed ahold of my hand and began rubbing soothing circles along the back of my hand. i squeezed his hand out of fear, shaking slightly.

he leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear, "i'm right here with you, copy my breathing." i turned to look at him, unsure of what was going on. "trust me," he mouthed, looking at my tear filled eyes. i nodded beginning to copy his breathing as we both faced the teacher as if we were paying attention.

i almost had my breathing under control, when the teacher told us to work with our partners, the class broke out into a jumble of murmurs almost instantly. matt slid his water bottle to me, "drink some, please." i grabbed bottle and began taking sips, matt watched carefully as i began to relax. "t-thank you," i stuttered, still shaking as i let go of his hand.

"yeah, of course," he said, examining my bouncing leg, "come here." matt opened his arms to me, ushering me into them, i hesitated before wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my head on his shoulder. matt drew comforting shapes on my back as i breathed in his scent of vanilla, silently thanking him over and over.

after that moment, we became closer. he let me come over and spend the night with him and his brothers, just sitting around talking. we were just friends though, we'd share strictly platonic touches aside from the times we both started leaning in and someone waltzed in or one of us chickened out.

before homecoming of senior year, he'd finally ask me to be his girlfriend. making those touches romantic and closing the distance between our lips. we practically clung to each other, refusing to leave the other behind.

i had the lot that i had spent all my childhood in under my name now, my mom too focused on work to come up here anymore. i didn't have to share the trailer with my mom anymore, not being banished to the small pull out couch when we did.

i didn't like being up there alone, hearing the loud pitter patter of the rain against the metal roof gave me a sense of unease, only having my pillow to latch onto. i decided to bring the triplets out here, and they loved it.

they loved when i took them driving along the winding curves of the roads and to little shops. matt stealing chris' usual spot in the front seat to be close to me, which chris surprisingly allowed with zero hesitation.

every morning i'd wake matt up to go swimming with me while the lake was calm and nobody was disrupting the fish swimming below. he always agreed, throwing on our swimsuits while trying not to wake up nic and chris, it was our thing.

as soon as we crept out of the trailer, i took a moment to admire the sunrise and breathe in the fresh, dewy air that was destined to be filled with smoke by sunset from the campfires around the park. matt snuck his hand into mine and walked me down the dock, he always let me dip in first to see how cold it is from the night before. it was always relatively cold, it cooled down a lot at night after high temperatures and the blistering sun. despite the temperature, he always got used to it if it meant spending time with me.

we drifted to the drop off, avoiding the sharp shells that inhabited the lake years prior, the water slowly swallowing our bodies. i stopped as soon as it reached my belly button and dove down, savoring the feeling. i came up for air and turned to matt, looking at him with a big smile as the water rippled at his presence around his waist like a hula hoop. "come on, dunk in!" i said, laughing as i shook my shoulders in the water.

matt rolled his eyes before taking a deep breath and falling onto his back and gliding over to me. i smiled as i admired how silky his hair looked under the water. he came up and shook his hair like a dog on me, "matt!" i giggled. he stopped his movements and pressed a kiss to my sunkissed nose.

i turned to look at the horizon and let out a sigh, "i love this, i love the water." matt began chuckling at his own thought, "well, i am about 60% water." i gave him a weird look and laughed, "yeah, i guess i love you too, dingus," i said, sarcastically rolling my eyes.

i took another moment to watch the seagulls diving into the water to bring food back to their families when i felt a familiar feeling at my feet. i looked down to see the minnows nibbling at my feet and shins, making my giggle with a huge smile on my face.

i felt matt's eyes drilling into me, i looked over at him to see he had the dopiest grin on him face. "what's your major malfunction?" i laughed, drifting towards him. he grabbed at the waistline of my bikini, pulling me closer.

"i think i'm more mesmerized by you than you are by the water."

TAGLIST : @dwntwn-strnlo @crvptidsmain @stvrni0lo @20nugs @gracietaylorsversions @ssturniolo @iha8you @lollibumblebee

[assortedvillainvault]

I've had a little request/prompt in my head for you for ages, bc it relates specifically to your characterization of Blitzwing. You have established that your version is constantly plagued by processor-splitting headaches. How do you think he'd react to the realization that his headache is GONE when he's around his S/O?

Midnight I've rotated this ask in my head like a snowglobe for weeks - thank you for being one of the biggest fans of Blitzwing on this blog, genuinely love your prompts for the guy.

I didn't even realise I'd put headaches in every headcannon but I went back and reread my stuff and. Yeah - chronic headache is now a Thing. Due to the severity of the triplechanger process it felt a bit 'handwavy-poweroflove-sumthin'-sumthin' to render them GONE, but Better? Better I can do. Hope You Enjoy!

Tw: descriptions of migraines/pain, allusions to maladaptive coping with said pain, kidnapping but like. In the Megamind way.

Blitzwing x Reader: 'Headaches'

Ever since the triple changer surgery, Blitzwing has a had a constant, splitting pain in his helm that pain blockers and all manner of defrags won’t touch. (And no it’s not his alters, ha ha funny joke fragging die-)

He’s not sure if it’s somenting physical, and he doesn’t trust Blackarachnia’s surgery technique one iota, but the deed is done. The pain never fades. Sometimes it lances through him so sharply that it forces his audio and visual feed to cut, rendering him blind and deaf at the worst moments.

And on other days it races down his spinal strut and through his wings to the point that even gentle breezes feel like sandpaper, his touch sensors scrambled and sore.

On better days it’s a low, pulsing, grinding ache at the tip of his neck and behind his optics, and at the seams of his faces. One that can be covered up by other, newer pains, or by switching faces so fast he gets dizzy.

Coping mechanisms are coping mechanisms, if you call him out then congratulations for sacrificing yourself to the Decepticon cause for target practice.

Upon meeting you (aka – scooping you off the street for a hostage meatshield and subsequently being told to keep you for a bit), his headache pulsed so badly that his balance teetered and he nearly crushed you in his fist. Great. One more thing to fragging deal with.

Your specific hostage situation didn’t take long, only a few days due to Prowl and his cyberninja sneaky ways, but you left a genuinely lovely impression on Blitzwing in the meantime. Not too screechy, no unnecessary fluids, a sense of slightly unhinged humour?? 10/10 would kidnap again!

So he does.

Little and often, in snatches and starts. And it isn’t immediately obvious to either party, but there’s a...lightness, creeping in. Like sounds are clearer, and his head has room for more stuff. He shrugs it off and thinks nothing of it, distracted and humming along as you chat about anything and everything - kicking your feet inside his cockpit.

Apparently a quirk of both biology and technology, is that the mind will translate emotional and mental hurt into physical hurt. Ease the former...and the physical will begin to follow.

Huh.

It still takes him several months to recognise that with you and you alone, he loosens up and calms down enough that the pain is lower than it has been in years.

Never gone, but better. And that’s more than he’d ever expected.

[workingbynyx]

i’m dying on my period and i just want a fic where jason takes care of me??? i’ve been so starved of affection the last few days and just need soft!jason to take care of me

love ur work <3333

Nights Like This — Jason Todd x F!Reader

↷ summary — it's that time of the month again and jason's doing everything he can to make you feel better even the slightest <3 ˎˊ˗

↷ pairing — jason todd x f!reader ˎˊ˗

↷ genre — fluff, comfort ˎˊ˗

↷ warning/s — mentions of blood but nothing too explicit! ˎˊ˗

↷ a/n — hi! omg i tried to write this as soon as i saw your submission, drink lots of water and eat anything you can (and take pain killers if you need to) but don't fret— jason's now here to take care of you 😚 ˎˊ˗

it was around 9 pm at night, you had just finished eating dinner with jason and the two of you were watching a movie— some book to live-action adaptation he saw while browsing, even though you hadn't read the book itself you enjoyed the plot and characters...even if jason spent the last few minutes complaining about how inacccurate and 'disrespectful' it was to the author to take out things from the book in the movie. you found it adorable that he's able to pin point them out even if it kinda made him sound like a geek, but you love it.

until pain on your lower abdomen grew by every second and you couldn't handle it anymore, you rushed to the bathroom which left jason puzzled on the couch. and as you suspected, your period came in 2 days early. "how convenient" you sighed, grabbing pads and a spare underwear to change in. eventually, you came out and walked slower than usual. "hey babe?" you called out to him, your back hunched forward. "yeah?" jason said. "i think i'll turn in for now, i..i don't really feel good" his head snapped in your direction but you already made your way into the bedroom before he could even stand up and help you.

you enter the room and closed the door behind you, plopping down on the bed then pulled the covers over your aching body. your cramps now hurting much more now that your period started. you curled your knees up to your chest in a fetal position, a common tip for women on their periods when sleeping. you could feel your lower abdomen start to throb in pain that slowly came around your lower back which made it even worse. you laid there for a couple seconds trying to find comfort on the soft bed but the pain wouldn't subside.

that's when a knock on the door caught your attention and knew it's probably jason going to check in on you. "hey, what's wrong?" jason said as soon as he found your body curled under the sheets, seemingly in pain when he saw your brows knit and sweat forming on your forehead. "its that time of the month, again" you tell him with pained laughter, feeling the edge of the bed sink to his weight when he sat down. you could see his expression soften when you tell him, it all made sense to him now why you kept tossing and turning about 10 minutes ago, and how your mood constantly changed just a few days before.

"isn't it not supposed to start until 2 days?" he says, his hand now rubbing against your thigh gently. "well, i guess it wanted to pay an early visit this month— but that's better isn't it? better early than suffering later losing blood in 'that' area" he chuckled softly, now moving towards you even closer as he placed his arm on your other side— caging you between the mattress and himself. jason then tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, "you always gotta make jokes when you're in pain, don't you?" he says while looking down at you. "did i not tell you that humor is my coping mechanism?" you replied in return, trying your best to shift positions in facing him properly.

"i guess you did. but baby, you're very strong for this y'know. i don't think i'd handle bleeding every month and don't even get me started on the pain thing" "cramps?" "yeah or whatever that is" his sassy tone making you laugh, even in days like this jason still manages to make it better just by talking to you. "jay you handled much worse, i'm sure you can take something like this" you said cupping his cheek and smiling. "well, that's a fair point" he shrugged, leaning his head into your touch.

"do me a favor and stay in bed for me 'kay? i'll take care of you, don't move and take some rest. do you need anything? food, drinks, your pain killers?" jason added. "...i just need you here with me right now love, my lower back is killing me and i need cuddles so bad" you practically whined to him, the corners of your lip turning into a frown. it didn't take anything for jason to stand and walk over to the end of the bed, climbing and carefully pulling you towards him as he laid there with you in his arms.

he released a deep breath, getting relaxed in the position— his right arm over your shoulders pulling you against him as you laid your head on his chest, wrapping your arm around his waist. jason's free hand coming up to rub against yours before asking, "comfortable?" to which you replied with a single nod. jason smiled at your answer– kissing the top of your head, admiring and loving how he himself alone gave you enough comfort in such a bad state. it made him feel even more special knowing that someone as amazing as you could rely on him. although jason did hate seeing you in pain, especially during your period. so he does everything he could to help you out.

he cleans the apartment, takes out the laundry or tries to cook you food even if he could fail miserably. but then he'd think about the useful nature of food delivery instead and orders from there when the kitchen starts to fall apart in his hands. he'd give you massages and get your heat pads for you, just tell him anything and he'll be on his merry way— skipping joyfully to get what you need. no matter what it is, jason swears to be there for you anytime.

you could feel and hear his heartbeat calming in your ear, indicating that your boyfriend might be dozing off soon enough. so before that happens, you looked up to him with half-lidded eyes. "i love you..you know that right? thank you so much for this" you said in a soft whisper. jason simply smiled, "anything for you, gorgeous. i love you more" he says. "always"

[mrs-kodzuken]

Two lovers and a stuffie ♡

Pairing: Haijme Iwaizumi x fem!reader x Tōru Oikawa

WC: 2.4k

Genre: fluff with hints of sadness

CW: fem!reader, age regressor!reader, caregiver!haijme, caregiver!tōru, poly relationship, age regression coping mechanism, mentions of period blood/pads, when reader is regressed they use the caregiver name of “daddy” referring to iwa & kawa, strictly and completely unsexual!! stuffed animal and pacifier used for comfort by reader, switches from 1st pov to 3rd omniscient then back to 1st for plot

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

"Are you ready? You can sit with me if you'd like."

Kiyoko had offered me to sit beside her on the bus. We had been invited to a week-long training camp by the Shinzen. Even Aoba Johsai would be there too.

"Sure, thanks Kiyoko." I smiled, climbing to one of the front seats with her.

I snagged the window seat, wanting to watch the stars. Knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep on the way here, I stayed up. The fear of someone crashing the bus keeping me up.

Getting into my bag, I squeezed my stuffy's arm to calm myself. Usually, I'd have time to regress, but since we're going to be somewhere else, it would be almost impossible.

Even if both of my caregivers were going to be there. I still didn't want to risk it and get made fun of.

It was exceptionally hard to have both of my significant others in a different school too. I knew they'd be working hard and practicing, and it was about thirty minutes from my house to theirs.

The entire night, I watched Coach Ukai and our adviser, Takeda, switch between driving.

Somehow, during the night, my stomach started to churn, giving me a sick feeling. I didn't bother telling anyone because it would only cause trouble.

I never get sick during car rides, so I thought that must be it. I was just car sick.

Thinking by the time morning came about, it'd be gone. Just to my luck, it got worse.

It was like pins and needles had been continuously poking and prodding my abdomen.

I had to constantly keep my face a poker face and refrain from holding my stomach. I didn't want to cause any suspicion or worry.

"(Y/n)? Are you okay? You seem quieter than usual." I heard Kiyoko ask beside me while I was walking, going to put our stuff down in the managerial room.

All the managers from each team had an entire room to ourselves since all of us were girls.

"Y-Yes. I'm fine." I gave her a painful smile, trying to tell her I was alright.

I heard a bus across the lot pull to a stop, and it turned out to be Seijoh.

"Move your ass, Shittykawa." I heard my lover's voice, which soothed me. I practically relaxed while standing because of it.

"So mean, Iwa-chan."

Turning towards the voices, I watched them both, lovingly. But I refused to go over there, despite how much I wanted to; if I did, I'd melt into their arms.

Taking a deep breath in, hoping it would soothe my stomach. No such luck.

I quickly moved along with Kiyoko and Yachi, not wanting to be left behind when they started walking.

As the day drawn on, the pains in my stomach were getting so harsh. I even developed a headache that was pounding in my skull.

It was like the world was out to get me or something.

To make matters worse, I could hardly do my job as a manager due to switching between my headspaces. It felt like my mind was breaking in half.

I had managed to stay away from the two boys, but I was noticed by almost everyone else.

My head was loopy, making my footing weird as I walked to dinner.

"Are you sure you're okay? You haven't eaten anything today, and you're not eating dinner." I heard Sugawara say to me from across the table.

It was true; I had been pushing my food around, playing with it. I couldn't even eat because of the pain.

"I'm fine; I just am tired. I'm going to go take a shower, then go to bed." I reassured them, pushing my chair back, with a forced small smile.

I didn't care if my team's eyes were watching my every move, but I locked eyes with Oikawa and Iwaizumi on my way out.

As I turned the corner, tears brimmed my eyes just a bit. I wanted nothing more than to run into their arms and have them take care of everything. To take care of me.

I grabbed my futon in the manager's room and got it ready, but decided to lay down for a few minutes. An uneasy feeling settling in my stomach.

But when my head finally laid down, I was out like a light.

My eyes shot open, and I could feel bile rising in my throat. Immediately covering my mouth, I got up and rushed to find a bathroom.

There wasn't one in the room, but I did find one down the hall. I quickly slumped to my knees and let it all out within the, thankfully, clean porcelain toilet.

Tears welled in my eyes, wanting nothing more than the comfort of my daddies. I sobbed into the toilet, my body feeling hot and the salty tears trailing down my cheeks. My sorrow filled sobs echoed in the empty bathroom.

My stomach wasn't any better; it seemed to have gotten even worse. It was to the point where I couldn't even move if I wanted to.

I lay there sobbing, heavily deep in little space, sick. Another round of bile came about, which I released once again.

My left arm was hugging my stomach as my right one gave me support to lean on. I could feel my nose becoming stuffy, which only made me cry harder.

"D-Daddy." I hiccupped and whined, wanting them to take care of everything.

Whimpers escaped my mouth as I heard the door open. I was wishing for my daddies but was met with Kiyoko.

My eyes widened, "Please don't laugh at me! I just want my daddies!" I sobbed louder, afraid my secret would be out, snot running from my nose.

Kiyoko crouched down to my sickened state and started to soothingly rub my shoulders.

"I won't laugh, I promise. Can you tell me who your daddies are?"

"Tōru and H-Haijme." I squeezed my eyes shut as another wave of pain came from my stomach.

"Will you be alright while I go get them?" Kiyoko asked, still rubbing my shoulders.

I slowly nodded, taking a sharp intake of air.

Kiyoko had fast-walked to Aoba Johsai's room. She didn't want to leave (Y/n) in there by herself, especially in this condition.

She quietly opened the door, not trying to wake anyone. Kiyoko had walked inside, but to her dismay, she found two futons empty.

Huffing a bit, she turned around, exiting their room.

When she left, she accidentally bumped into the two people she had needed to find.

"Karasuno's manager? What are you doing up?" Oikawa had asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

"I think I have your little girl in the bathroom. She's asking for you two and seems quite sick."

The entire reason Iwaizumi and Oikawa were up anyway was to find the manager's room. They wanted to check up on their little girl, who had been avoiding them all day.

When those words left Kiyoko's mouth, they rushed to follow her into a bathroom.

I looked up from my slouching spot on the tiled bathroom floor after hearing the door slam open.

My half-lidded eyes recognized the two beings. "Daddy!" I cried, wanting to be in their embrace and take care of me.

A frantic look came upon both of their faces as they crouched down to where I was.

"Sweetie, what happened?"

"Baby, are you bleeding?"

They both asked simultaneously, and I looked down at the shorts I had been wearing during the day.

The gray shorts were leaking red liquid, causing a mess on me and the floor.

My eyes widened as I looked up, my eyes tearful. I began to apologize, sobbing louder unable to control my emotions in this state.

Haijme engulfed me in his strong arms, cuddling me softly. I leaned on his chest, relaxing.

I heard Tōru ask Kiyoko for any lady products I could use. While he was away, Iwaizumi picked me up in bridal style and he got a bubble bath ready.

He cleaned me up an brushed my teeth, too. All the while, I became sleepier as he whispered sweet nothingness into my ear.

Oikawa came back with a large shirt, his boxers, and some pads.

"Here, baby," Haijme gave me a glass of water and a couple of pills.

I easily swallowed them, trying to keep my eyes open and refrain from yawning.

Tōru picked me up while Iwaizumi had gone somewhere else.

I cuddled against Oikawa's chest while he carried me to his team's room.

Setting me down softly on a futon—well, two futons pushed together. He covered me up with the blankets.

Hajime came back with my (f/c) pacifier and stuffie.

He gently set the paci in my mouth while I brought (stuffies/name) closer to me.

Both of them wrapped their arms around me. They cradled me all night, knowing that there was a possibility of us getting into trouble in the morning.

Oikawa had started running his hands through my hair, while Iwaizumi gently massaged my stomach. That was all I needed to go to sleep peacefully this time.

When morning finally rolled around, most of the team was up. Well except for Iwaizumi, Oikawa, and (Y/n), who were still sleeping.

That morning, the guys had taken many pictures of the three of them. They laughed in adoration silently, not daring to wake them up.

But as always, there wouldn't be a day that went by when they wouldn't dare let their captain and vice captain get into trouble.

So they made up excuses till Oikawa and Iwaizumi awoke. The both of them staring at your beautiful sleeping form.

They kissed your forehead and cheek then wrote a small note on each side of you.

Once they were ready, they announced that you were sick and needed to be kept in bed all day.

Then everyone got confused as to why they, out of all people, would announce that.

"What did you do to our precious manager?" said by none other than Noya and Tanaka.

"She's our girlfriend," Iwaizumi answered, unbothered.

It seems as if Tanaka and Noya had frozen their raging attack.

"Whose?"

"Both of ours." Oikawa answered with a pointed look.

It seemed as if they both decided to reflect on their life choices after hearing that answer.

Waking up peacefully this time made me feel so much better. Cuddling my stuffie, I stretched my legs out. Realizing that me being on my period wasn't a dream, I shot out of the futon.

I was scared that I had leaked while I slept.

Luckily, I didn't, but I did need to change pads. After doing my business and washing my hands thoroughly, I laid back down.

I wasn't going to get up if I didn't need to. Looking to the left, I saw a small piece of paper lying there.

How the hell did I not see that when I checked the futon?

Picking it up, it was a sweet good morning note. It was from Haijme and also stated that Oikawa's was on the other side of me.

After I had read them, I put them in a spot where I wouldn't crush them.

I had been trying to fall back to sleep countless times, but when my cramps decided to come back, that's when I got up.

I went searching through Tōru's bag for some sweatpants because I'm not walking out of this room in just his boxers.

After sliding those bad boys on my lower half, I grabbed the notes, shoving them in my pocket and put the futons away.

I had no idea what time it was since my phone was back in the manager's room. So I decided to see what we'd be eating next to tell the time.

Walking into the kitchen, I was met with the smell of soup and, to be honest, it did smell quite good.

"Miss (L/n), you're up. The staff heard you were sick, so we whipped you up a soup. Feel better soon!" The lady handed me a fresh bowl of soup, and I thanked her while moving towards the dinner table to eat.

By the time I was done, I could hear some people coming in for lunch. I guess I had mine a bit early.

Anyways, I started shuffling back to the Aoba Johsai room; I had forgotten my stuffie and paci.

Picking them up I hid the pacifier in the sweat pants pocket so no one would see it.

When I shut the door, I turned around to head towards the room I should have slept in. My hair is probably a mess right now, and I should fix it.

I was stopped in my walk when I heard someone call out my name.

Turning around, I was ruthlessly jumped on by Tōru, I could tell by his intoxicating scent I loved. He tackled me to the floor, and we obviously fell.

"Ow, Tōru! Get off!" I shouted, trying to move his body.

"But you love me!" He leaned into my body more—that is, until we heard stomping coming from the hall.

I looked up to see Iwaizumi and smirked, because Oikawa was about to get his ass kicked.

"Oi! Get your heavy ass off of her, Trashykawa!" He ripped Tōru's body from mine, relieving me and slapping him.

"Thank you." I was gently pulled up from the floor, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"That's not fair! I want one!" Tōru pouted at me, his arms crossed.

I rolled my eyes at his playful behavior but still moved to give him a kiss on the cheek.

At the last second, the sly fucker moved his head so I'd kiss his lips. Which I should have expected from Oikawa.

"Amazing, why didn't I think of that?" Hajime sarcastically said, taking my waist and kissing me.

Just as Tōru was about to make another move, I quickly stopped him.

"No, I'm going to my room and I feel much better now. Thank you." I said that and turned to finally going down the hall.

I heard them talking about how I don't have to say thank you since they are the caregivers. I couldn't help myself, though.

When I got better, everything seemed to return to normal. I even apologized to Kiyoko because I had disrupted her sleep.

She said it was fine because she had always been a light sleeper. I just couldn't thank her and my boys enough.

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

a/n: this is from my book “Haikyuu x Reader One Shots” on Wattpad! I hope you enjoyed and let me know if you have any requests!

the header is made by me, please like/reblog if used <3

[agerefanfics]

Warning: this story contains a little bit of angst, mild swearing and usage of a safe coping mechanism (agere). If you don't enjoy stuff like this, please don't read it.

Any hate comments will be removed and blocked!

~~~

(Author's note: This takes place during 'Forever and Ever', one of the most disliked thomas episodes by the community. I am taking this episode and making something new out of it, so please enjoy!)

"So Edward, What do you think?"

Gordon asked, confident that he'd be able to persuade Edward to come back to Tidmouth sheds. It had been a while since Edward left the sheds for Wellsworth (Aka Edward's Station), and the news of Henry moving to Vicarstown left the big blue engine in a frantic state of denial.

He hoped Edward would say 'Yes, i'd love to come back!' or something along the lines of that. It was only what Edward said that made his world come crashing down.

"Thanks for asking Gordon..again. But i'm very happy at Wellsworth!"

That was the final kicker for Gordon. Everything in his life was crumbling down at this point and it finally hit rock bottom. Even if he were to see Edward and Henry occasionally, it just wasn't the same without them at Tidmouth Sheds.

The poor Blue engine began to stammer and plead with the other blue engine, frantically trying to find the words he so desperately tried to grasp. It wasn't until Phillip and Sir Topham Hatt showed up that Gordon really was at a loss for words. He could barely hear the Hatt's scolding until he finally snapped.

"It's not fair!" Gordon Exclaimed. None of them expected such an outburst from such a big engine. His face was flushed red in anger and sadness, tiny tears starting to well up in his eyes.

"First it was you Edward, and now Henry's leaving too! This is the worst thing ever!" He shouted louder than his pumping pistons as he started to back away, trying his hardest to hold back the tears that wanted to break down his face.

Once he was out of sight, Edward looked to the other engines and Sir Topham Hatt. They all wondered what was going on with Gordon. First it was the unneeded temper tantrum and now he was not acting like himself. Edward decided that without a word to even Sir Topham Hatt, he'd head out to find Gordon himself and talk to him.

~~~

Gordon softly sobbed in his birth at Tidmouth sheds, trying his hardest to rid of the tears that stained his face. His conductor was helping by wiping away the tears with his cloth tissue, But Gordon didn't feel any better.

"Don't worry Gordon," Said his conductor, whom tried to give a warm smile to the big engine.

"I'm sure once you talk to Edward, things might not be so bad." Gordon sniffled.

"Nothing will help with how i feel, Everything in my life is being taken away from me!"

the conductor consoled the big engine, before heading back to the cab to find something important.

"I know exactly what you need, Gordon." his conductor said, as be walked back to the engine with a blue pacifier, perfectly matching the big engine's color.

Gordon's face flushed, he was embarrassed to see such an item in his sight. "I don't need that...thing." He uttered, looking away in embarassment.

His conductor sighed.

"Gordon, i've said it many times and i'll say it again. There's no shame in using this if it helps you calm down. Now let's not try to make a fuss about it." Gordon hated to admit, but his conductor was right. And so, without even making a grumble, he lets his conductor gently pop the pacifier into his mouth. At first it felt weird for such an item to be in his mouth, but as he began to suckle, he felt his boiler bubble down slowly. He almost felt peaceful if it wasn't for the sound of a familier whistle from a familiar, old blue engine.

Gordon froze, unsure of what to say. He wanted to rid of the pacifier as quickly as possible, but Edward would possibly question it still. He didn't have time to react when he heard the engine's voice

"Gordon?" Edward called out. No response. He hesitated in that moment to wonder if he should just leave the engine alone, until he saw the conductor step out of the birth and approached Edward. "I came to talk." Edward said softly to Gordon's conductor.

"I think Gordon would like to talk to you too, I think he really needs you right now."

"But i must warn you that He's not..'all there' right now and he'd appreciate if you didn't tell anyone else about this." The conductor finished.

Edward was surprised at the response. What did 'Not all there' even mean? Nevermind, there's no time to question things, Gordon needed someone and it was going to be him. Approaching one of the other births, he slowly entered the birth next to gordon and looked at the upset engine. he slightly gasped when he saw the blue pacifier, which made Gordon look to the side in shame. Edward felt bad for having such a reaction, but who wouldn't be surprised? Gordon, the strongest and most mature engine on the island of sodor, now reduced to a sniveling and sad engine.

"Oh my um...I'm sorry for the reaction Gordon, i'm just surprised you'd use an um... that thing.." Edward muttered, not exactly finding the words to make it sound less hurtful for Gordon.

"Pacifwier." Gordon said, the object muffling his words.

Edward's boiler perked up when he heard Gordon.

"A What? I can't exactly hear you well, Gordon."

Gordon grumbled, spitting the pacifier out in disgust.

"It's a pacifier, god dammit!" He exclaimed, only to regret his words as Edward looked hurt from it.

"I...I'm sorry Edward."

"How long?" Edward asked.

"..What?" Gordon questioned.

"How long has this been going on for you?" He asked once more.

Gordon's face flushed once more, the idea of being an age regressor was a difficult one to explain, and yet he had to explain it in some way for Edward. He sighed, and looked at the other engine.

"Since you left Tidmouth sheds. I just..i just miss you and Henry so much already. I wish you didn't have to leave."

Edward sighed.

"I know change is hard for you Gordon, but it doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore. You'll always be my friend, no matter how far apart we may be." Edward said, giving the other engine a warm and caring smile.

"But..What about the pacifier? and the meltdowns? and the-" Gordon was cut off by Edward audibly shushing him.

"Gordon. Regardless of how you..cope, you'll always be my friend no matter what. Nothing will change that."

Gordon looked down, thinking about what had just been said to him by the slightly smaller blue engine. He sighed, and looked at the engine once more, his eyes still slightly full of tears.

"Thank you, Edward." Was all he could muster out before he began to sniffle and whimper. Edward quietly shushed the engine. If it wasn't for the fact that they both lacked any limbs, he'd be rubbing the bigger engine's back and consoling him.

"It's no trouble at all, Gordon. Just let it all out."

And so, Gordon did. It may have lasted only a few minutes, but it felt like hours for Gordon when he finally calmed down. Edward smiled at the now calmed big engine, and decided that now was the time to make an offer to him.

"Hey, what do you say to this: You can stay in the sheds at wellsworth for the night, and i'll explain everything to sir topham hatt in the morning?"

Gordon smiled, his tears finally running dry.

"Can i also bring my uh...um.."

Edward chuckled.

"Yes, you can bring your Binky with you, If it helps you."

The word 'Binky' wasn't the word Gordon was looking for, but it would work for now. Before the two engines could start their leave for the sheds at Wellsworth, Gordon had to say one more thing.

"Edward?"

"Yes Gordon?"

Gordon Gulped.

"Please don't tell anyone about what you saw tonight. My reputation could be spoiled because of it.." He pleaded.

Edward smiled.

"Of course, Gordon. Your secret's safe with me."

The two engines soon took their turns on the turntable, and both set off for wellsworth, the night sky still full of stars and a bright, shiny moon.

[querade]

Doctor who's season 13?? ESPECIALLY the Yaz Hug moment

So with the new specials coming out I thought I'd post my thoughts on the season 13 finale

The doctor breaks herself into three different versions ,three different pieces overwhelmed by solving three equally pressing problems. I hear everyone’s issues with the 13th doctor etc etc but this was the PERFECT finale to her character--the entire arc is so chock-full of different problems EVERYWHERE that the doctor is squashing out.

I didn't realize it until then but the entire point of the Flux and the doctor closing herself off and not telling yaz and dan anything--AHH such a good idea!! It's the perfect way to represent everything as her arc comes to its climax.

Also just. The 13th doctor doesn't want to worry people so she doesn't tell her companions squat and just constantly deflects. you know how Clara uses the TARDIS and pseudoscience as a coping mechanism to get away from the Bad Things she has to eventually deal with?? YEA. NOW THE DOCTOR IS DOING IT.

in a way you see she's kind of grateful that she's in the middle of all this, because then she doesn't have to face anything :3—which is terrible and awful, but easy to rationalize because 'people's lives are on the line and she has to save them'!!

Naturally the doctor has always had a problem with being far too selfless. and while this arc doesn't state it directly, the acting and the camera work and the situation all state it indirectly enough. And Yaz is kind of the only one who notices cause she's the only one who's been there long enough?? anyways ahhhh when the companions finally reunite after like two episodes of being apart, its just. the doctor forces herself to stop the 'how do we fix this' brain and she makes herself pause and just goes "wait" and she stops and HUGS YAZ for like three seconds. It's the first break, the first silent, not-really-tense moment you get in an EXTREMELY long time. And even then it doesn't feel like long enough.

THE YAZ HUG MOMENT IS SO GOOD: I guess I noticed it was weird that it lasted so long but I couldn't exactly figure out why it was such a good choice. And then. In that whole meet-up scene, the cuts are SO very well done. You have the camera circling her, spinning, and the Doctor sees someone, says their name—

"Yaz! Dan! Kate Stewart, Kate Sewart! Jericho! Victorian-looking bloke!"

With every new bit of information, in a row, it jumps to a new cut, a new angle, with no continuity of the Doctor's previous pose—and i mean no continuity, from one cut to the next she is 180 degrees with completely different hands and head positions— but with possibly MORE stuff that she has to cram into this situation and spread herself even thinner--and it feels kind of like she's losing her mind.

(She kind of was.)

But she doesn't realize it yet or want to face it or can't face it or whatever, just keeps going, and then forces herself to pause. and to stop.

After all the losses, loss after loss after loss after loss in this arc, after making an extremely difficult, selfless decision, after all it cost her, she takes just a little selfish moment for herself to say, "Wait." and she chooses to not do anything. she chooses to take three long seconds to turn and hug yaz. not anyone else.

Of course, once she does, the camera stops spinning and idk i was just like 'WOW we really have been going nonstop for just a ridiculous amount of time haven't we.' and that was kinda when i realized that yea, I am gonna miss season 13's version of jodie whittaker.

[circulars-reasoning]

Recovery

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

A little over two years ago at this point, I began therapy for the first time. I was absolutely fucking terrified of it. I was terrified of opening up about the lie I'd clearly been living. I was terrified of a well-mannered person looking at me, listening to me, and saying "Is this way of viewing yourself really healthy?" And kindly and calmly explaining to me that I'd fabricated all that trauma, that my abusers weren't actually abusers -- that emotional neglect is more severe than what I'd experienced, and the reason I couldn't remember anything "bad" was because there was nothing bad to remember.

Instead, my therapist had one session with me, had me take a test to see the severity of my symptoms, and diagnosed me faster than I've ever heard of someone being diagnosed.

Just like that.

I have had so much integration since then. I can hear everyone clearly, without straining for it on purpose. I see my life around me, and I forget there's a whole life in my head that I used to spend 24/7 at until a friend reminds me of a time back then, and I remember who I used to be in full detail.

This week in therapy, we discussed my recovery. We discussed how I, as a part, am doing so, so much better than I've ever done -- and how I almost feel bad about it, because other parts aren't doing nearly as well right now. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as suicidal, and I have a lot of things I'm passionate about that I can rely on rather than harmful coping mechanisms -- and I talked about how other parts are more stressed than ever. "It's like they took the worst parts of who I used to be, because we're integrating now, so they have to carry the burden."

And my therapist looked at me, and said, "Why is who you used to be such a burden?"

Recovery hasn't been easy -- but I've definitely gone faster through some of these obstacles than I've seen others in my situation. I take the lessons and I absorb them like a sponge; in a matter of weeks, I completely stop spirals that would've wrecked me before, and push away relapse thoughts with a simple distraction rather than a mental breakdown. It hasn't been easy -- but god, is it easier than what I've seen my friends experience.

I look at my friends, and I see how much they struggle... I feel the need to express the struggles I've gone through. "Oh yeah, I was such a mess in college," I'd say. "I was such a wreck, constantly. My dissociation was so bad. I hated myself so much."

Why is who I used to be a burden?

Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?

Will it really make me taller?

My homework for this week was very simple, and incredibly complex all the same -- and at the time, when he gave me the assignment, I had my doubts it was really as severe as he suggested. It wasn't until I got to the car with my partner of 6 years, and I told them about the homework that it clicked.

"He told me I need to be kind to my younger self, who I -- as a part -- used to be. He told me I needed to be more positive about that guy." "You know... I fell in love with that version of you." And I winced, because I wanted to laugh and cringe at what a mistake that was.

It clicked for me, today. How this connects to all that self doubt.

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.

But I was far better than I made myself out to be.

[wheels-of-despair]

The Case of the Missing Eddie Pairing: Eddie Munson x You Summary: Eddie disappears, and you freak the hell out. Contains: Panic, unhealthy coping mechanisms, murderous thoughts, Uncle Wayne, comfort, cheeseburgers. Word Count: 1.7k-ish Notes: Takes place near the end of the 1984-85 school year. Reader is a junior, Eddie is in Senior Year: Take 2. This was originally written for an event by newlips, but I picked at it for two weeks and still didn't like it enough to submit it, so now it's just a random entry in my Evil Woman universe. (As with all of those, can be read as a standalone.)

This features the prompt "If I believe in anything, it's you." from the 'A Quiet Love' list by soulprompts.

Eddie Munson was nowhere to be found.

You knew he had an appointment with Miss Kelley during 4th period that he'd pretended not to be nervous about. When the bell rang at the end of the day, you'd gone to meet him in the parking lot and find out how it went, but his van was gone. Did he go home sick? Did they find out what he did to the boys' locker room? Had the contents of his lunchbox been discovered? Your mind went wild with worry.

He probably just had errands to run, Gareth had said. It was Friday night, he'd definitely be back in time for Hellfire, Jeff had assured you. And yet, he was not. After waiting half an hour for their Dungeon Master to appear, the Hellfire Club finally packed up and went home.

You went to Eddie's.

Lights off, door locked, no van in sight.

Wedging a note that read "EDWARD. CALL ME." into the crack of the trailer door, you went home and continued worrying.

The next morning, when you knew Wayne would be getting home, you called.

"H'lo?"

"Hey, Wayne. Is Eddie there?"

"Hang on, I just walked in." You heard him put the phone down, walk away, and come back a few seconds later. "He's not here, darlin."

"Do you know if he came home at all last night?"

"Nope… anything I should know?"

"I haven't seen him since lunch yesterday... he was nervous about a meeting with Miss Kelley during 4th period."

"Aw, hell," Wayne grumbled. "If he shows up, I'll get him to call you."

"Thanks, Wayne."

He hummed in acknowledgment and hung up.

You hung up your own phone and banged your head against the wall next to it. What the hell, Eddie?

You waited.

And you waited.

And then you started cleaning.

The kind of cleaning that only happens when you're trying to take your mind off something that's worrying you.

Or someone you're going to kill for causing all this worry.

You hardly slept that night. You hadn't slept the night before either. You'd left your bedroom window cracked, even though it wasn't exactly sleeping-with-the-windows-open weather, hoping that it would summon him.

It did not.

On Sunday morning, approximately 30 seconds after you'd finally drifted off, the phone began to ring.

You leaped out of bed and tried to grab it, but you were so jittery and sleep-deprived, you fumbled it. When you finally got it to your ear, you heard Wayne.

"You alright, darlin'?"

"Yeah, just dropped the phone. Did you find him?"

"He's here, but it looks like he's sleepin' one off. I'd give him a while. Just wanted you to quit worryin'."

You breathed a sigh of relief, still feeling shaky.

"Thanks, Wayne. Can I come by and murder him in a few hours?"

He chuckled. "Go easy, sweetheart. Last time he disappeared like this was when he found out he'd failed."

Shit.

"Alright, Wayne. I'll spare him this time. Thanks again for calling."

"Sure thing. I'll leave the door unlocked for you." Wayne hung up.

Well, he's alive. For now, you think bitterly.

You managed to wait until 11:27 before heading out. You stopped by the only drive-thru in town and ordered Eddie's favorite burger combo, and one for Wayne too. Eddie's was to be used for either bribery or comfort. Wayne's was a thank-you.

You pulled into your usual spot and turned off the car, taking a moment to compose yourself. Breathe. You're not here to kill him for worrying you to death. You're here to find out what's wrong, and show him that you love him. There will be no murder today.

You entered quietly. Wayne, as promised, had left the door unlocked for you. At least one Munson Man can be counted on, said the devil on one shoulder. Go easy on him, he's having a hard time, said the angel on the other. Both of you need to shut the hell up, the annoyed brain in the middle thought. Wayne was sleeping, so you left the food on the table and approached Eddie's room cautiously.

Slipping in and easing the door shut behind you, you take a minute just to watch him breathe. He's alive. He's okay. He's face-down and sprawled out in nothing but his boxers, and you can smell the sweat and booze from the door.

You tiptoe through the mess of dirty clothes on the floor and sit on the edge of the bed. You rub a hand across his back, just grateful to be close to him again. Even if he does smell like a farm animal.

He begins to stir, turning his head in your direction and inching closer to your warmth. All of your anger begins to dissipate. Damn your soft spot for Sleepy Eddie. You reach up and gently brush his hair out of his face. He slowly opens his eyes, and smiles when he sees you.

And then he scrunches his eyes shut again, reaching for his head with a groan, and buries his face in the pillow. You smile, at his adorableness and not his misery, and exit the room. You return a minute later with a tall glass of water and a bottle of painkillers. Shaking out two pills into your palm as quietly as you can, you hold them out to him. You say his name softly, and once he realizes what you want, he sits up and pops them in his mouth, then drains the glass and hands it back to you.

"Another?" He shakes his head, and you place the glass on his bedside table. You want to give him time, and to tell him you love him, and to take it easy on him like Wayne asked you to. However, what comes out of your mouth is:

"What the fuck, Eddie?"

He looks at you quizzically, and his face clouds over when realizes what you're talking about. He sinks back down into the bed, flops onto his stomach, and hides his face in the pillow again. Maybe try a softer approach?

"I'm glad you're okay. But you scared the shit out of me. What the hell happened?"

He mumbles something that you can't quite make out.

"Wanna try that again?" you ask, raising an eyebrow that he can't see.

He turns his head in away from you and speaks to the wall.

"I failed," he croaks, "AGAIN."

As usual, Wayne was right. You wish you'd spent a little less time cleaning and a little more time figuring out how to handle this potential scenario. You take a deep breath.

"Go ahead and leave me, we both know it's coming."

"What?" you ask with an incredulous chuckle.

"You can do better than the dumb-ass Super Senior. Everybody knows it."

"Okay. So I should leave you because you suck at chemistry?"

"I suck at everything."

"Eddie, I say this with love… but shut the fuck up."

For once in his life, he does.

"You are good at so many things. It's not your fault that they're not things you get graded on." He doesn't respond, so you continue. "It's high school. It's not the end of the world."

"I'm gonna be the oldest fucking senior in the history of Indiana."

"Think they'll give you a trophy?"

He scoffs. Too soon, noted.

"You'll get there next year."

"Why bother? I'll just drop out like my old man did, let the cycle continue, everyone expects it anyway."

"No."

"No?"

"No. I'll beat your ass if you drop out, and then Wayne will probably want a turn, and if there's anything left of you, maybe we'll let Hellfire have a go."

You see his body twitch like he's fighting back either a sob or a chuckle, but he doesn't make a sound.

"Plus, you'll have an advantage next year that you didn't have this time."

"What?" he asks miserably.

"Me, doofus. I'll be a senior too. And I'm going to bully Miss Kelley into putting us in the same classes, so I can ride your ass and make sure you pass this time."

"All I heard was ride my ass."

You give the aforementioned ass a sharp smack, and he jumps from the impact.

"You're gonna get there next year. You're gonna walk that stage, flip Higgins the bird, and be free of Hawkins High forever."

"You seriously believe that?"

"If I believe in anything, it's you."

He's silent for a moment, then heaves a sigh and turns over to face you.

"That was extremely cheesy."

"So's the burger I brought you," you tease through the blush rising in your cheeks. It may have been a cheesy line, but it got the job done. "Get your ass up, wash this dead animal stench off, and maybe I'll let you eat it."

He smiles and extends a hand, as if he's going to let you pull him up. You stand up and reach for him, and he pulls you down. Into the bed. Where it smells like a drunk pig has been wallowing. Then he crawls on top of you. Rubbing his stupid face all over you. Spreading his stench with a wicked grin on his face. And you can't even yell at him, because you'll wake Wayne. He knows this. The rotten bastard.

"You're lucky I love you," you hiss through gritted teeth. He stills.

"I know," he says softly, looking up at you with those big sad eyes of his. You feel your heart break a little, and lean in for a kiss.

"Jesus Christ, can you get secondhand drunk? Is that a thing?" You wipe your mouth and shove him off you, and he laughs. You roll out of his bed and start pulling clean clothes out of the dresser, throwing them at him one garment at a time. A t-shirt hits him in the face before he realizes what you're doing, and he catches the rest. He gathers his clothes and heads for the door, stopping in front of you.

"Thank you," he whispers with a lingering kiss to your forehead. You pull back and look up at him with pure adoration in your eyes. And then that mischievous twinkle returns to his. "Jesus, you smell like you've been dumpster diving. When's the last time you bathed? You should probably come get in the shower with me." You laugh and give his smart ass a shove toward the bathroom.

God, you love him.

[caus34concern]

i'm tired of pretending that play rehearsal/theater isn't some sort of escape mechanism for christine and that she doesn't have a ton of underlying issues so here's this thing

an escape mechanism is a mental process which enables a person to avoid acknowledging unpleasant or threatening aspects of reality.

"I look around, and everyone's hurting. I wish there was something real I could do to make things better, but I don't know how. So I guess I'll just do theater."

christine's whole character revolves around play rehearsal/theater and her passion for it. when it starts, she's happy. when it's over, she's sad. basically, on a surface level, her entire personality is just being an eccentric theater kid. theater could just be a hyperfixation of hers since she does have adhd, but hyperfixation itself can also be a coping mechanism in the way that sometimes it leads to the avoidance of your problems and instead just causes you to turn to your hyperfixation as a distraction which is basically just escapism. she mentions doing similar when she talks to jeremy right before the pitiful children in the bway production.

for a more in-depth analysis on how and why it's an escape mechanism, it's basically just rooted in how christine wants things to be easy. she said so herself in voices in my head. and that's why she enjoys theater. because it makes her life easy. everything is planned out in a script and there's no uncertainty or pressure of having to decide what to do. she doesn't have to worry about making mistakes or sudden surprises or going off-topic into some tangent because everything is planned. if something happens in a play, it probably happened for a reason, and that reason ultimately usually leads to a happy ending.

another thing about theater she likes is acting. she mentions in a guy that i'd kinda be into that she doesn't relate to other people her age unless she's on stage which is basically just her indirectly saying that she feels disconnected to others and only feels connected when she's on stage. when she's playing a role. when she's acting as someone else. basically, she only connects with people when she pretends to be someone who she's not. in addition, she says in i love play rehearsal that the only time she gets to be the center of attention is when she's acting. there's also this line from the i love play rehearsal demo where she says that when she's being praised on stage she feels like she's in control but then remembers it's just the role she's acting which gives another example of how she uses theater and acting as an escape mechanism. she uses it to feel in control because, as mentioned previously, with a script she won't have to worry about what comes next. she feels in control knowing that everything will work out in the end, but then she remembers that that isn't actually her life and she's merely just acting out someone else's. so she actually isn't in control. her story doesn't have a script to follow or have an ending to be happy about yet.

now onto some of her underlying issues. acting and her lack of sense of self kind of go hand in hand. you know the phrase "losing yourself in a role"? yeah, take that but make it literal and that's christine. due to her often playing roles and acting as someone else, she loses her sense of self. and since she has no friends or at least isn't shown to have any, she has no way of telling what her "true self" is. maybe if she had a friend, they'd be able to tell her that she wasn't herself or that what she was doing was something she wouldn't usually try doing, but since she doesn't, she doesn't know what her true self is. she doesn't know herself outside of the role she acts. she doesn't know herself outside of theater which is practically her life. even jake fell in love with her acting rather than her. the reason jake liked her is because seeing her acting made him feel something and that's all it ever was. the reason they broke up is because "she wasn't juliet". christine was mostly reduced to and liked for her acting by jake. jake didn't like her for her.

and it's due to her lack of sense of self that makes her subconciously a people pleaser. she doesn't realize because she finds it natural to pretend to be someone she's not. she doesn't realize because she doesn't have a sense of self to begin with. christine mentions in i love play rehearsal that she wonders if she's living up to all she's meant to be. at first, maybe it's about her acting. something like am living up to the expectations of those around me? but with her previous issues taken into account, it might instead be am i showing people who i actually am instead of who i can be? jake said something similar himself in the bway version of upgrade. he asks christine when was the last time she tried something new that wasn't on stage. she's been limiting herself to a life on stage and grown used to acting as someone else to the point that she's never actually able to "live up to all she's meant to be".

ok that's it i just really needed to get this thing out of my system, and i hope this causes one less person to mischaracterize christine or water her down to an eccentric theater kid with adhd because that girl is so insecure and sad

[anemicjellyfish]

So this post has been living rent-free in my head since I saw it, and I wanted to add my thoughts, so I'm making my own post to not clog up the OP's post. I want to add that I don't disagree with OP in any way; in fact, I really enjoyed the analysis. I just have a slightly different train of thought that I'd like to share.

(Sorry if this is not okay... I'm relatively new here and I'm not sure on the difference between "make your own post" vs "add your thoughts to OP's post." I apologize in advance if making my own post is considered rude.)

In regards to the "o" in Blitzø's name changing in the end credits over the run of the series thus far:

I'm being optimistic, probably too much so, in seeing this as a positive change, or at least the beginning of one. I'm choosing to see it as Blitzø taking the trajectory of his life in his own hands, and forcing the world (and audience) to see him differently.

Blitzø has an extremely complicated tether to both his past and his name.

From very early on in the series, Blitzø is insistent that the O is silent; he even tells people who knew him earlier in his life that "the O is silent now." Even Stolas says he remembered an O at the end, like a "clown name."

A lot of it feels like he's just trying to shake off the "clown" part of his past to distance himself from being a circus performer, at least to the rest of the characters.

But as we see more of his past, it becomes clear that Blitzø wants to rid himself of more than just the "circus clown" name.

He both desperately wants to escape from his old life, and desires to repair what relationships he can. We see this in the failed attempt to reconnect with his sister, and the successful (although not sought-out) reconnecting with Fizz.

The thing is, his past shaped him into who he currently is.

[For brevity, I deleted the 5 paragraphs explaining Blitzø's past & trauma. I'm assuming if you've got this far, you have seen this show and have some semblance of media literacy.]

"I don't wanna be this way. Not forever."

-Blitzø, to Verosika, Season 2 Episode 9

I'd like to suggest that, as Blitzø slowly confronts his past, as he heals himself and beings the process of growth, the "O" in his name gets more and more irrelevant to who he is.

And rather than the increasingly-crossed-out letter symbolizing self-hatred, it could be a means to convey that Blitzø is making progress: that he is actively choosing to separate himself from his mistakes and hurt, to allow himself to become whoever the plot will allow him to become.

Change takes time. Growth and healing take time. Blitzø has some major flaws and an abundance of trauma to work through... and not a lot of healthy coping mechanisms to help him do it.

But he is getting there.

Maybe one day, the credits will read simply as: Blitz. As in, no O to be crossed out, scribbled, partially erased... anywhere. At all. To prove to the audience that this imp has truly changed and grown into someone he's told us he was all along.

Thanks for reading :)