#but still it shouldn’t be this big of a deal

[bandsofmarv]

Shadows and secrets

Will you and mattheo give in to the desire?

TW - smut, angst.

The dim light of the library’s enchanted candles cast flickering shadows on the ancient stone walls. You leaned against a bookshelf, your wand clenched tightly in your hand. Across from you stood Mattheo Riddle, his dark eyes glittering with a mix of challenge and amusement. You hated that look. You hated him.

And yet, here you were, locked in detention together. Again.

“I don’t need your help,” you snapped, gesturing to the tangle of cursed chains coiled on the floor between you.

Mattheo smirked, leaning lazily against a nearby table. “Clearly. You’ve been standing there for twenty minutes and haven’t done a thing. What’s the plan, genius? Stare at it until it feels guilty?”

“Shut up, Riddle,” you hissed, kneeling down to inspect the chains. You ignored the way his chuckle sent a shiver down your spine.

“Careful,” he drawled, his voice low and teasing. “Wouldn’t want you to get yourself killed before I have the chance to beat you in next week’s duel.”

“You wish,” you muttered, focusing on the runes etched into the metal. They pulsed faintly, whispering promises of mischief and pain. Typical Riddle handiwork. “What’s your deal anyway? Why are you even here? Shouldn’t you be off brooding in some dark corner?”

Mattheo didn’t answer immediately. When you glanced up, he was watching you with an intensity that made your breath hitch. “Maybe I like the company,” he said softly, the mocking edge gone from his voice.

Your heart skipped, but you forced yourself to scoff. “Oh, please. You’d drive anyone else insane.”

“Not you, though,” he said, stepping closer. His tone was still light, but there was something searching in his gaze. “You keep up. You fight back.”

“Someone has to keep your ego in check,” you muttered, standing up to face him. He was too close now, the heat of his presence unsettling but not unwelcome.

“You think you know me, don’t you?” he murmured, his voice dropping to a near whisper. “The big bad Riddle, always scheming, always dangerous.”

You swallowed hard. “Aren’t you?”

His lips quirked into a small, almost predatory smile. “Maybe. But I’m not the only one who likes to play with fire.”

Before you could respond, he stepped closer, invading your space entirely. His hand came up, brushing your wand aside and pressing it against the bookshelf behind you. The gesture was deliberate, taunting.

“What are you doing, Riddle?” you asked, your voice coming out steadier than you felt.

“Proving a point,” he said, his gaze dipping to your lips. His breath was warm against your cheek, and suddenly the cursed chains were the furthest thing from your mind.

You should have shoved him away. You should have said something sharp and biting to wipe that smug look off his face. Instead, you found yourself standing frozen, caught in the magnetic pull of his dark, stormy eyes.

“I hate you,” you whispered, though the words lacked conviction.

“Funny,” he murmured, his voice husky. “Because I can’t stop thinking about you.”

And then he kissed you.

It wasn’t soft or hesitant—it was rough and desperate, a clash of teeth and tongues as he pressed you firmly against the bookshelf. You gasped into his mouth, your hands flying up to grip his shirt as his slid to your waist, pulling you closer. His lips were hot and insistent, stealing the breath from your lungs and setting your skin on fire.

“Mattheo,” you breathed when his mouth left yours to trail hot, open-mouthed kisses along your jaw and down your neck. His name felt foreign on your tongue, but the way he groaned in response sent a jolt of heat straight through you.

“Say that again,” he demanded, his voice rough as his teeth grazed your pulse point.

“Mattheo,” you whispered, this time softer, more vulnerable.

His hands tightened on your hips, dragging you against him as if he needed you closer than physically possible. You felt the hard press of him through his trousers, and a thrill shot through you at the realization of just how much he wanted you.

You tugged at his shirt, your fingers fumbling with the buttons. “This doesn’t mean I don’t still hate you,” you muttered, trying to maintain some semblance of control.

He pulled back just enough to look at you, his lips swollen and his eyes blazing. “Good,” he said, his voice low and full of promise. “Hate me all you want, Y/N. Just don’t stop.”

And then he was kissing you again, and you decided that for tonight, you could forget everything else.

[cantareincminor]

Round 2: Fandom Wrapped (Writer Edition) 2024!

Thanks again to @kattyelf for the template. A blank one can be found at @twiyorbase for anyone who wants to do their own!

Detailed reflections under the cut.

This is a long, introspective post. Forgive me if I sound self-absorbed in all this reflection.

The past year has been a unique one. The last long fic I completed was more than ten years ago in the Aladdin fandom. I dabbled in shorter, more stream-of-consciousness fics after that, but hadn’t written or posted a fic since 2016. Then I got into Spy x Family in 2022, devoured tons of fics, and slowly, nervously considered writing again.

There were many reasons I stopped writing. Being busy with real life responsibilities, naturally. I got married and had kids. I had a highly stressful career. With so little time on my hands, I feared that if I tried to write after such a long hiatus, the result would be stilted and disappointing, and I would have “wasted” my precious free time feeling shittier about myself. I’ve had some version of this mindset my entire life: if I can’t do something well, then I shouldn’t bother.

I have @whateversawesome to thank for encouraging me to try my hand at writing again. After the mole hunt arc was published, an idea struck me quite suddenly—what if Yuri had died or been critically injured in Shellbury? How would Twilight deal with that guilt and how would the identity reveals unfurl in such an extreme scenario? Could Yor ever forgive him? 

For months I shied away from writing it. To do the idea justice, I knew it would have to be a long, complex fic. And I continued to have mixed feelings about my last long fic in the Aladdin fandom—regretting parts of the premise and the ship dynamics and the characterizations and just overall feeling ashamed about my writing. I didn’t want to fail—write myself into a corner and abandon the fic or something like that. Right now, on the other end, I still look back on Orpheus sometimes and wonder how the hell I managed to write it. I reread my favorite passages and wonder how I came up with those exact words.

If it may help any writers, I would be happy to share a copy of my brainstorming doc and outline of Orpheus, where I kept track of unresolved plot points, options to resolve those plot points, notes to self to go back and add foreshadowing, and calling out unexpected events in each chapter that I did not plan ahead for. It is a very long doc. But I wanted to remember everything I was thinking at the time as a gift to my future self, in case I ever attempt a big project like this again and feel paralyzed.

Orpheus allowed me to explore themes and beliefs I suppose have been marinating in my heart for years. For anyone who is still interested, below are some of my thoughts and personal experiences around the main themes.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness and redemption are always what I reach for in my serious fics. I think I fumbled it in my Aladdin fic (or didn’t really get to the redemption part), but I was able to explore it more thoroughly and with more integrity in Orpheus, with an additional decade of life experience. 

I think forgiveness is a difficult and fascinating theme to handle because it is so highly personal and often carries memories of deep hurt for ‘victims’ or shame for ‘perpetrators’. I was grateful when readers sometimes shared their personal beliefs and experiences with it in their comments. In order to treat this theme with respect, I wanted to convey that forgiveness should not come cheaply. That is not to say it’s bad to be merciful and quick to forgive—those are amazing virtues. But the act of forgiveness comes at a cost and can be incredibly painful. The cost does not simply vanish due to good feelings or an act of the will.

Someone can either withhold forgiveness and make the other person pay the cost—in Orpheus, this would have been Yor rejecting or taking revenge on Twilight and leaving him to feel horribly guilty about Yuri’s injury for the rest of his life. Or they can choose to forgive and pay the cost themselves. In my own experience it feels physically painful. It feels like extreme grief. This is what I wanted to portray, the devastation to the spirit, as well as the catharsis that can follow. Because after the cost is paid, what we gain is healing. The ability to move on and no longer feel like we’ve swallowed glass. And the mending of a relationship, if both sides are willing. In the case of Yor and Twilight, it makes their relationship even stronger, like a broken bone healing stronger than before. And it adds weight to the trials they would face together after that moment.

Forgiveness of self / Perfectionism

Of all the conflicts in the fic, “Twilight vs. himself” is the last one to be resolved. Even after the man has been forgiven by the people he loves, he still struggles not to hate himself. To find his life to hold any value outside of being a highly competent spy. I think many people go through some version of this struggle. I certainly did and still do sometimes, with regards to work and career.

I chose Orpheus as the title to illustrate the journey of someone who carries an enormous burden on their shoulders. Trying to save the person they love and having to follow a strict rule of never turning around or they will lose it all. All the while, the temptation to look back is incredibly powerful. Twilight bears the burden of WISE’s expectations as their top spy, the hero who has stopped nuclear missile launches, who will supposedly prevent the next war from breaking out. He also carries the expectations of his newfound family which call him to turn away from the ruthlessness of his mission. To look back at them, and not abandon them for the sake of world peace. And finally he carries the guilt of what happened to Yuri, and the pain of keeping all the secrets resulting from Shellbury.

In Orpheus, Twilight harbors both a very low sense of self-worth as well as a highly inflated sense of self-importance. He sees himself as a discardable tool who has done unforgivable things for his missions, with no right to love and be loved. But at the same time he sees himself as the lynchpin to maintaining the fragile geopolitical peace. Responsible for never screwing up, ever. Responsible for the fact Yuri was shot, even though he tried his best to spare him. He’s an unreliable, self-absorbed narrator, and the other characters around him also parrot his guilt back at him throughout most of the fic. Until the end, where I try to address the illusion of control and how a good portion of his guilt is unrealistic and undeserved. 

Unfortunately for many people who carry this kind of burden, no one tells us that it’s okay to turn around. That we are indeed not responsible for more than our own choices, and we certainly cannot be responsible for circumstances outside of our control. I’ve worked jobs where I’ve been asked to do the impossible. My first job out of college, the expectations were incredibly high. I got no training and was thrown into a project in a foreign language and an unfamiliar industry. I pulled so many late nights that in the second week I fainted on the way to the office. And I was told this was normal. That in order to succeed like everyone else, I would figure out a way to solve each problem thrown at me, no matter how impossible.

And what sucks is when you start succeeding. You pull off miracle after miracle and then people start expecting it of you like it’s normal. The reward for success isn’t a break. It’s more work. Harder work. And you buy into that unrealistic narrative that you should be able to do it or something must be wrong with you, you must be broken and can’t perform like you used to. And when you finally break, you get spit out and discarded like an outdated machine. They find the next, younger miracle worker to buy into the narrative.

Knowledge vs Wisdom

This is an easier one. Funny that Twilight’s agency is called WISE in canon. But what is wisdom? The ability to discern between right and wrong, to utilize knowledge effectively for the greater good, to know how to truly live life and live it well. 

Twilight strikes me as the kind of person who uses knowledge as a weapon, not too dissimilarly to Yuri who literally states “knowledge is power.” Twilight hoards knowledge like building an arsenal, so he can always be prepared for any problem. And this is how nations treat knowledge (intel) in the real world. Constantly trying to gain an information advantage on the enemy. 

But how does one know if one’s strategy to use all that knowledge is right? In Orpheus, the Ostanian state exhibits little wisdom in its pursuit of endless knowledge, experimenting on children and prisoners and animals to gain an edge over its rivals and amass more power for those at the top. At the same time the competition and backstabbing between the various arms of the state are almost childish in their motivations, the epitome of foolishness. Knowledge on its own does not build trust or confidence—but it can build hubris and confusion and distrust. 

One unexpectedly fun part of writing Orpheus was the dynamics between Garden and WISE. While there is distrust at the start, the leaders and members of both sides demonstrate wisdom in how they navigate the partnership and grant trust to each other bit by bit. And this feels very counterintuitive to spies who build careers off of lies and masks, as they find that truthfulness can unlock results so much faster than subterfuge. At least when it comes to dealing with Garden.

On a final note on this topic, I find it interesting that in canon Donovan Desmond claims it is impossible to know what other people are thinking and therefore human beings can never trust each other. And yet the highest form of knowledge (second only to knowing God), in my opinion, is to truly know another person to the depth of their soul. To know a person completely, and to trust and love them regardless. This is what all people yearn for, even people like Twilight who have made a fortress of masks around their true self. And this kind of knowledge is what requires deep wisdom to wield well.

Sigmund Authen’s gift of the Tree of Life plaque and the accompanying wisdom quote was an unexpected event I did not plan in my outline for Chapter 33. So was Barbara’s advice to Yor in Chapter 34, which I will end this long ramble with:

Before the two left, Barbara turned and patted Yor’s arm. “I know what it’s like to be married to a brilliant man, dear. Don’t feel discouraged. They don’t need their brilliance and worldly achievements so much as they need our love. I know it can be exhausting sometimes, but I’ve stuck by my Siggy this long through thick and thin. What he didn’t mention amidst all that blather about wisdom is that even wisdom isn’t the final goal of all of mankind’s striving. Love is. What is a life full of wisdom and philosophy if it doesn’t help you find love and keep it? In my simple little mind, that’s what wisdom is for. Goodnight, dear. Thank you for having us over.”

And that's a wrap for my 2024!

[mydarlingclaudia]

every word I meant to say

note : ermmmm hi. don't ask where I went for like almost a month work is eating me alive and I was sad. this was inspired by that the unsent project thing andddd idk if I really like this it's def ooc but I was thinking about it again today and this has been in my drafts since September so I figured why not

wc : 2.1k

tags : @luvrgreyy @clitorphosis @sonya-semyonova

desc : letters that went unsent. kind of unrequited love, angst (???), more Leon focused, re2r!Leon - DI!Leon, fem!reader, ooc, not proofread

"I meant to write sooner, I really did. I know it's been a year, my life is so different now, I don't think you'd even believe me if I tried to explain it. I hope you're doing better than I am, I'm happy you weren't able to move to the city with me."

Leon hasn't written a letter since, what, his first few years in the academy? Maybe the end of his senior year of high school? He can't really remember, but he knows that this letter is important because it's to you, his friend he hasn't seen since the night he left for Raccoon City. This isn't even an actual letter, he's scribbling out what he thinks might be good excuses as to why he hasn't talked to you in a year on the back of pieces of scrap paper he took from the office.

He's supposed to be asleep right now, same as everyone else in boot camp, but it's been a year since Raccoon City and he's wondering if you ever tried to reach him. Maybe you tried to go to Raccoon City to look for him, only to see the pile of rubble that stood in its place, sectioned off by the government. Maybe you thought he was dead, he wouldn't blame you.

You and Leon had stuck together all throughout high school, even managed to stay friends when he went off to the police academy and you moved a few hours away for college. He doesn't even know if your address is still the same, he really hopes it is, there's no phone-books in boot camp if he wanted to try and call you, you're supposed to have your loved ones numbers memorized.

The last time Leon saw you was the night before he was supposed to move to the city, before he got a letter in the mail the next morning telling him not to come in, he really wishes he had listened. You were so happy for him, starting out as a city cop was a big deal and he had worked so hard to get there, you and a few friends had thrown him a going-away-party, telling him not to forget you once he got to the city. Leon couldn't forget you if he tried.

You had talked about moving to the city with him for a short period of time, it was really just ramblings the two of you kept bringing up. "Oh, when we live in the city..." "I can come visit you at work..." "I'll handle dinner, you'll handle cleaning..." Nothing ever really came of those ideas, but it gave him a warm feeling in his stomach knowing you wanted to come to the city with him.

He hopes you’ve been well, that life has been kinder to you than it has to him. Leon hopes you got that job you were gushing about the last time he saw you, he hopes you still think of him on his birthday because he thinks of you often.

He shouldn’t have gone to Raccoon City, he should’ve stayed home the day he left and instead stopped by your house to bother you about going to see a movie. Or he should have taken you to lunch, anything would’ve been better than walking into a city that was beyond saving.

"I’m not really sure what I’m saying, but I know I miss you. How have you been? I hope I’m able to come and visit soon, everything’s been moving so fast, but I’ll figure something out. Maybe we can get dinner, or something. Whatever you want, I’ll pay for it, don’t worry."

Leon's hands shake a tiny bit when he thinks of you, it's that school boy nervousness that movies portray whenever there's a boy with a crush on a girl who he knows is probably too out of his league. You were friends, at least.

"You're done with school now, right?" He knows you are. "I wish I was there for the graduation ceremony, I know your parents are proud. Do you remember my graduation party? Someone spiked the punch and we both ended up passed out in the bathtub at your house, you looked really pretty that night. I hope your graduation was better than mine. This would probably have been better as a phone call, but I don't know, you said letters were always more thoughtful.

– Leon"

–

That letter never got sent. Every letter needs an envelope, Leon just never got around to finding one, but he kept that scrap piece of paper tucked inside his pillowcase on the odd chance that he got his hands on one. He had stricter rules to follow than the other recruits, being legally dead and all.

But even after he got out of boot camp, he kept the letter. It's hidden away in some drawer in his house, he's not sure where, though.

He didn't make it into the army, he's not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but being in the position he was in now wasn't much better. He's stronger now, hardened, more mature.

Leon's written a few more letters to you over the years, ones that still never got sent because he either deemed them unworthy or because he became unsure of himself halfway through writing it. But he hasn't thrown any of them away, he'll send them one day, he swears it.

Leon's not using you as a way of journaling, either, even though he should find some way to actually write down his thoughts to get them out of his head. What he writes to you is mostly memories, telling you that his life keeps changing and that he misses you. He knows you're different by now, too. You're both grown, no longer in high school, no longer in college or the academy. If he could turn back time, go anywhere other than Raccoon City, he would. He thinks that's selfish of him, him not being there would've left Claire and Sherry in that city, but how would he have even known?

"Me again, hope you're doing better than I am." Leon's way with words gets worse and worse by the week, not that he cares. "I met someone who kind of reminded me of you, she's a sweetheart, like you. You'd probably become fast friends if you were ever able to meet."

Leon's not allowed to tell you about his mission in Spain, or about the president's daughter. President Graham is putting more body-guards in place for his daughter once she steps foot in D.C. again, Leon's sure the president considered appointing Leon as one of them at some point since breaking the news that she was going to be coming back home safely.

Leon should stop thinking about you so much, it's not like you were his only friend in the world, you've probably forgotten him, anyway.

"My life is still different, but yours probably is, too. This probably sounds stupid, but I miss being in high school. You probably don't, your mom was up your ass all the time and you worked yourself to the bone. Has that changed at all?

I remember that one year I went to Thanksgiving at your house, your uncles were all drunk and your cousins kept trying to get me to come sit with them, your grandpa was trying to get me interested in football. I haven't had a holiday like that since then, your family was always really nice to me."

He's not sure what to say anymore, these letters always just end up dragging out, but Leon has a lot of memories and he hopes you think of them as often as he does.

"I'm sorry I haven't visited. It's harder for me to get time off of work these days, even though I could really fucking use it. I promise one day I'll come back, it's just not going to be for a little while. Just don't do anything dumb.

– Leon"

–

Those letters he's been writing you have piled up in the drawer of his nightstand.

He's definitely sure that your address has changed by now, you're probably not even in the same state anymore. He could always try to find you on Facebook, explain everything that's been building up over the years in a simple text, but there's still rules he's supposed to follow even in his personal life.

Leon didn't stop writing, though. The letters did eventually get shorter, he's not sure if you like the same things anymore or if you'd even be interested.

He writes now mostly about how different his life would be if he was with you, if he had just asked you out in high school or kissed you the night he was supposed to leave for Raccoon City. It almost feels real to him when he goes to sleep, but that might just be the alcohol numbing his brain, not the dream of you sleeping next to him or the feeling of your breath on the back of his neck, not even the little pitter-patter off tiny footsteps coming from down the hallway.

It does make him feel a bit pathetic, dreaming of a life with someone he hadn't talked to in years. Leon can't help but think of you, he always thought you were pretty, and the past always lives in the back of his mind, but it comes alive late at night.

You're an entirely different person by now, someone who he hasn't had the opportunity to meet yet. You're probably married, maybe you even have a few kids running around, Leon's jealous of that. That could've been him, but it's not. But he's not even sure if you'd recognize each other if you passed by on the street, so is it even worth it to dwell on all the maybe's?

"I'm not sure I'll get to visit you for a while, not without a lucky fucking twist of fate, anyway."

All these letters are starting to sound the same, but Leon clings onto the thought of someday sending them to whatever corner of the country you were hiding in and hoping that there's still room in your life for a stranger.

"Do you still want me over for dinner? You don't know what I'd give to just eat a shitty meal with you right now."

You don't know what he'd give to do anything with you, really. He knows that there's a lifetime worth of things he's missed out on and that maybe every once in a while you think about him in the same way he thinks about you.

"I don't know how to ask this, but are you married? I know you'd look stunning in a wedding dress." You probably are, you're a catch, who wouldn't want to put a ring on your finger? Your husband's probably a better man than he is, too. One who hasn't had years worth of trauma jammed into his brain with the proof of it marked across his body, your husband probably takes you out on a date every week, maybe even surprises you with breakfast in bed and kisses the nape of your neck to gross out your kids. "I really hope you're happy, in my head you are.

I wanted that to be us, I never told you, but I was a chicken-shit kid and didn't know how to say it. You show up in my dreams sometimes, you deserve nothing but the best. I meant to get back in touch with you forever ago, but I think it's probably too late.

– Leon"

–

Two years after his last letter and Leon's still thinking of you, seventeen years after Raccoon City and the image of you sitting across from him for the last time still loops in his mind. He doesn't really remember your voice but he knows that you thought handwritten letters were romantic, and he still reads over the ones he meant to send to you but kept avoiding.

He's done with the letters, hasn't written one in a long time. But he just got back from California and your old favorite song is playing on the radio, and he's remembering how in love he is with your memory.

"I don't know what I'm doing. I'm too old for this and I'm sure you'd tease me if we had somehow kept in touch. I don't blame you if you thought I died in Raccoon City, I hope you're still alive and that life is good to you.

You were always important to me, I think you've given me something to cling to over the years. This letter won't find you and I'm not even really sure if I want it to, but I hope you'd still call me if you were able to. You wouldn't believe the things I've seen, but I'm happy you never got to see them.

Love, Leon

p.s. I'd say I love you but it feels like something you'd say in person"

[aois-amaterasu-painting]

MusiQ vol.13 - Aoi (August 2008)

葵 - the GazettE

Inner Landscapes

"It’s probably different from what you imagine…"

Shining a spotlight on Aoi not just as a member of the GazettE, but as an individual artist and human being—a perspective not easily discerned from his band persona.

THEME INTERVIEW - 1

"Friendship"

― Do you have many friends? "I think I have few."

― Has it always been that way? "Not really. Back in school, it felt like everyone was friends. I used to hang out in big groups. There were three middle schools in our area, but school or grade didn’t really matter. Since we’d known each other since we were little, we called each other by our first names instead of our last names."

― Do you still keep in touch with your school friends? "I do with some, but a lot of people have left Mie, and I’ve lost contact with some of them."

― What does 'friend' mean to you? "A friend is someone you don’t have to act polite around. I’m very considerate and sensitive, so a friendship where we can say things like, 'Aren’t you hungry? Let’s go grab a meal'. Friendship isn’t something you decide, like 'Let’s become friends.' It’s more like realizing one day that someone has always been there beside you."

― Are the band members different from friends? "It’s a bit different. With the members, sometimes I feel like I need to be considerate, and there are things that are hard to say. Sometimes I wonder, 'What do they think?' I think you shouldn’t let things get too casual. If you have a relationship where you just let things slide, it can affect the music… Also, it’s a little awkward. It’s hard for me to talk about a lot of things with the members."

― Do you have friends nearby now? "I don’t think there’s anyone in Tokyo I could truly call a friend."

― Isn’t that lonely? "It is. But I don’t really leave the house much. I can’t even go out to eat alone. During tours, I often just get food from convenience stores. When I go back to Mie, I meet up with my friends there. At home, I’m outgoing and go to various places. But in Tokyo, I can’t quite adapt. I hate crowds, and being a country boy at heart, I still struggle to get used to the city."

THEME INTERVIEW - 2

"Love"

― What are you like when you’re in love? "I’m considerate (laughs)."

― Men and women focus on different things when being considerate. What do you focus on? "Everything (laughs)."

― So, you must be very kind, then? "That’s why it’s exhausting. Honestly, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t want to do anything. I like to just relax and laze around."

― Then, would you prefer someone you don’t have to be considerate toward? "Not really. I think I’d end up being considerate with anyone. Maybe after 10 or 20 years together, it’d be different, but who knows?"

― Do you also pay attention to their emotional state, like asking, 'Are you okay?' "Ah, I do say things like that. Probably to the point of being annoying (laughs)."

― What do you look for in a woman? "I don’t want someone who expects too much from me. Like constantly saying 'Hey, hey!'—I’d rather not deal with that (laughs). I’d like her to keep some distance and not be too clingy. I’d like them to be able to live on their own strength (laughs)."

― So, you prefer independent women? "Yes, that’s definitely easier. Someone who isn’t working is already out of the question (laughs)."

― Not even working a part-time job? "I’d want her to work part-time at least four days a week (laughs). Since I’m often away, being attached all the time would be tiring. I think a person who’s independent, leaves me to my own space, and has her own opinions is attractive."

― Even if she’s a little strong-willed? "That’s totally fine. Though, if they’re outright combative, that’d be annoying (laughs)."

― You prefer someone who’s career-oriented? "Well, if they’re working six days a week, that’s a problem. If we can’t see each other at all, that’d be lonely, wouldn’t it?"

― (laughs) That’s tricky. "I’m waiting for someone like that (laughs)."

THEME INTERVIEW - 3

"Family"

― Can you tell us about your family structure? "My dad, mom, older sister, older brother, and me."

― Is there a big age gap between you and your older sister and brother? "Yes, there is. My sister is nine years older, and my brother is seven years older."

― What’s something you’re glad about being the youngest? "I’m not sure, but according to my sister and brother, my dad didn’t yell at me that much (laughs). 'Dad told you to at least go to high school, and you went, but when you quit after the first semester, he didn’t say anything.'"

― Were you raised surrounded by love? "Was I? I don’t know. Since there’s a big age gap, by the time I entered middle school, my sister wasn’t at home anymore, and my brother had already moved out. My dad was working away from home, so he only came back on weekends. I was mostly at home with just my mom."

― So, were you a mama’s boy? "Well, I don’t know. I love both my parents."

― Do you think you’ve been a good son to your parents? "No, I’d say I’m still mostly in the 'bad son' phase (laughs)."

― Do you call them sometimes? "I do. When there’s a final live in Tokyo, they come to stay at my place."

― Isn’t that a nice way to show gratitude? "Well, when they come over, food gets stocked up, so I think, 'Great!' (laughs)."

― Does your mom read the magazines you’re in? "Yes, she does. My parents’ house is crazy. When you open the front door, there’s Gazette stuff everywhere—posters, autographs, everything."

― Anything you’d like to say to your mom? "Mom, thank you for everything (laughs)."

― How do you think fans perceive you, Aoi? "Eh? I think i'm probably different from what they imagine. Fans probably think I'm very serious…"

― Are you very serious? "Yeah, well they might think I just sit in front of my PC all the time, making music. But no, no (laughs)."

― So it’s far from the truth? "Completely different (laughs). I guess it's because I only talk about that kind of stuff in interviews. Like, ‘I’m always making music’"

― But in reality? "In reality, I do sit in front of my PC, but I take a break every hour (laughs). I can’t keep my focus for long. I’ll suddenly go play darts and then think, ‘Let’s have some coffee.’"

― I get it. You want to take breaks constantly. "Exactly. I spend so much time on breaks that the day just flies by (laughs). Also, I don’t get started unless there’s a deadline looming. That hasn’t changed since the days of summer vacation homework."

― Like panicking on August 30th or 31st? "I really rush then. That’s why I often say I pull all-nighters, but that’s only when I’m pushing myself at the last minute. I’m making music now, but it’s hard to get started. So, I try to meditate sometimes."

― Really? "Well, it’s more like zoning out while watching TV (laughs). I’m always thinking about music. But unless I solidify the image in my mind first, I can’t start. If I don’t carefully plan it, things won’t fit together, and I hate that. If even one part feels lame, it really bothers me. I want to put out something I’m truly satisfied with. Maybe that’s why people think I’m serious.

― How do you unwind at home? "Basically, any time I’m not sitting at my PC (laughs). I used to work in the living room, but when I turned around and saw the bathroom or other distractions, it was hard to focus. So now I’ve moved all my equipment to a plain room near the front door."

― The bathroom is a distraction? "The bath is amazing, right? Don’t you feel refreshed? It’s great, but if I’m not careful, I’ll end up having a beer after my bath. And then it’s game over—I just go to bed. But I usually come up with songs in the bath."

― Then it’s an amazing space, isn’t it? "Yeah, but it has its risks too, so it’s a double-edged sword. But when I’m in the bath, I think that’s when I’m the most 'in the zone."

― In the zone? "In my mind, yeah. I’m not actually dancing in the bathroom. In my mind, I’m having an intense live performance. Of course, it’s for a new original song."

葵 - the GazettE

Inner Landscapes

"It’s probably different from what you imagine…"

Shining a spotlight on Aoi not just as a member of the GazettE, but as an individual artist and human being—a perspective not easily discerned from his band persona.

― Aoi, you have this laid-back, unique vibe that feels reminiscent of old-school rock musicians. "What, like I’m careless? (laughs)"

― No, no, that’s not what I meant. I heard you learned guitar from your older brother? "Yeah, that’s right. Back in his high school days, during his rebellious phase, my brother was in a band and played guitar. It looked like a lot of fun, so I wanted to join in, but he kicked me out (laughs). Instead, he gave me one guitar, a book with chords and lyrics in it, and said, 'Here, I'll lend you this. Go practice downstairs.' So I started practicing around middle school."

― What kind of songs were you practicing back then? "I practiced songs by X Japan using chords. But it was on a classical guitar, so it wasn't really rock at all (laughs). Then, after my brother graduated from high school, I asked him for his guitar, and that’s when I got my first electric guitar—but it was broken."

― Oh no, so no sound came out even when you connected it to an amp? "Yeah. I had saved up all my New Year’s money and had my dad take me to buy a small amp. I was so excited. But when I got home and there was no sound, I just started crying."

― (Laughs) That’s such a disappointment. "Totally. But from late elementary school to my third year of middle school, I was delivering newspapers. So in middle school, I saved up and bought my own electric guitar. It was the best thing ever! I was so happy that I even slept with the guitar. That time in my life was super busy. I’d deliver newspapers in the morning, go to school during the day, play baseball in the school club, and then practice guitar at night before going to bed. I didn’t even have time to do homework."

― It sounds like you didn’t have much motivation from the start. "Not at all. Kids are busy, you know? (laughs) But after I dropped out of high school, I stopped playing guitar. I wanted to become a professional musician, but my brother told me how tough the reality of it was. It kind of crushed my dream. My brother really loved music too, but he ended up working a normal job. So I thought, Yeah, that’s just how it goes."

― So you decided to take a different path. "Yeah, I was kind of aimlessly drifting along, and at the time, the older brother of a girl I was dating was into surfing."

― (Laughs) Another older brother. "Right. I can’t seem to do anything without someone else’s influence (laughs). But when I tried surfing, I was like, This is fun! Most people say they can’t stand on the board at first, but I was able to stand right away. I thought, I’ve got talent for this."

― Did you think, I’m going to be a pro surfer!? "Yeah, I was aiming for it. The word 'pro' just sounds cool, doesn’t it? Like being a professional baseball player or something."

― So you’ve always been drawn to careers in the spotlight? "Looks like it (laughs). I even entered surfing competitions. Actually, the first time I was featured in a magazine, it was in a surfing magazine (laughs)."

― How long were you into surfing? "About two or three years, I think. I had so much energy back then. I’d go to the ocean in the morning, take a nap at noon, head back to the ocean in the evening, and then work at night."

― Busy as ever. "Yeah, super busy. That was my life. But one night, I was watching a late-night TV show, and they featured an indie band. I got this idea in my head, like, I could do better than them. Once I thought that—well, here we are. In the end I decided, “Alright, I’m going to Tokyo”. Just like that (laughs)."

― But you weren’t even in a band at the time, right? "No, I wasn't. But I thought, If I go to Tokyo, I’ll figure it out somehow. That same day, I told my parents about it. Of course, I couldn’t just quit my job immediately, so I worked for another month, then said, Alright, I’m off. During that month, I practiced guitar like crazy."

― That’s pretty reckless. "Definitely reckless. Even I think I was stupid (laughs). Like, What was I even thinking?"

― But that’s the important part, isn’t it? "Sure, it worked out now, so it’s fine, but if it hadn’t, I’d just be a fool (laughs). So I arrived in Tokyo with no money, no place to stay, and I thought I might just take a live-in newspaper delivery job. But then an acquaintance said, My sister and her husband live in Tokyo—why don’t you stay with them for a while? I thought, This is too good to be true! (laughs). They even helped me find a job, and I worked part-time while putting together a band. One of the people I played with back then was actually the previous drummer of the GazettE."

― That kind of lifestyle must have contributed to that "rock" vibe you give off. "Now that I think about it, my parents were probably the most rock and roll part of the whole thing for letting me go to Tokyo (laughs). They gave me just enough money for a round trip, probably thinking I’d be back in no time. And then seven, eight years went by, and here we are (laughs)."

― What does your brother, the one who taught you guitar, say now that you’ve made it big with the GazettE? "He doesn’t say anything directly. But my brother’s wife showed me a video she secretly filmed, and in it, my brother was playing a cover of a GazettE song (laughs)."

― (laughs) The roles are reversed now. "I thought, "Big Bro, you're doing great!". Maybe you're a little better than me (laughs)"

― (laughs) So, how do you think the band members perceive you? "I’m not really sure. I don't really want to ask or know about it, to be honest. It would suck if they thought weird things about me, right?"

― (laughs) But you’re sensitive, so you must think about things like that. "I think about it a lot. (laughs). For some reason, Uruha seems a bit distant toward me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older or because we’re both guitarists. Of course, we talk a lot during the creative process, but outside of that, not so much. That bothers me a bit (laughs)."

― A curious sense of distance. "Yeah, like... in a group photo kind of way (laughs). But he’s still within reach, you know? Back in the day, we used to share hotel rooms on tour, and we’d talk a lot about what kind of sound we wanted to create. But now, we’re in separate rooms, and compared to then, we don’t talk as much. I feel a bit lonely (laughs)."

― You could just start a conversation. "But I wouldn’t know what to say (laughs). I see him chatting happily with everyone else, and I think, good for him (laughs). Just the other day, even though I felt awkward, I called him and asked, Hey, Uruha, how do you watch terrestrial digital broadcasts? And he replied, You should probably just ask someone at the electronics store about that (laughs)."

― (laughs) You're embarrassed.

"Well, I’m not gay or anything (laughs)."

― (laughs) I didn’t mean that at all. "Well, lately Uruha is the one I find myself thinking about the most in the GazettE."

― But listening to you talk, it seems like you’re shy. It’s as if you don’t want to be seen as too serious about it. "Shy—that’s a nice way to put it (laughs). There’s just something awkward about being with the members. When we’re doing music, we speak our minds, we get angry, we say whatever we need to. But outside of that, even saying, Let’s grab something to eat, feels hard to say. If they said no, it would hurt, wouldn’t it? I’d regret even asking... (laughs). So I usually invite the manager instead, but when he says no, I get annoyed (laughs). Like, You don’t have the right to say no to me! (laughs). Honestly, though, I’d love to eat with everyone and just talk. I guess this is what being shy is about."

― So that’s why you end up being alone? "Yeah. Maybe I don’t actually like being alone. It might just be that I don’t have a choice (laughs). Am I lonely?! Because of this, when this magazine is released, I’m thinking of secretly buying it and leaving it at the members’ houses (laughs)."

― (laughs) Got it. Lastly, the GazettE is currently working on new material, right? "Yeah, we’re really diving into it. When we worked on the last single, Guren, it was during a tour, but now we’re in an environment where we can fully concentrate, so the songs are really powerful. It’s not so much about the style of the music, though."

― Is it influenced by the energy you got from the tour? "Yeah, that’s part of it. The band is really in an aggressive mode right now. We’re sharp, you could say. So, if you’re not careful, you might get taken by surprise. If you underestimate us, you’ll get burned. Right now, we’re fired up. And if it turns out to be a ballad... Then, well... my bad (laughs).

― (laughs) "But honestly, I’m really excited right now. We’re putting everything we have into making these songs. Everyone’s gotten super dedicated, so I think there will be some intense clashes in the studio. At the very least, I’m planning to bring the heat."

― You’re usually so considerate, though. "When we’re creating, though, there’s no room for being considerate. If you compromise in music, then it’s over. I really believe that."

― Aoi, you also get various comments about the songs and phrases you come up with, right? "When I’m working on the basic elements, I take in feedback. But once the song moves to the next stage, I present it by saying, This is how the song is, and this is my vision. But especially with Uruha, I get nervous. If he says, Yeah, it’s good, it feels like I’ve won. I’ll do a little fist pump in my mind (laughs)."

― You’ve also got a live show at Fuji-Q Highland Conifer Forest on August 23rd, right? "Yeah, it’s our first outdoor live in two years, so I want it to feel a bit like a festival. Last time at Tokyo Big Sight, we had fireworks and food stalls, so this time, being at Fuji-Q, it’ll be a completely different atmosphere. We’re looking forward to it, and I’m sure you all are too, right?"

― So, better finish your homework early. "Yeah, that's right. If I don't finish it by the 30th, I probably won’t be able to show up at our live show properly (laughs)."

A band is nothing without live shows

What a rock band should be

~the GazettE~

Written by Hiroko Yamamoto

I hardly know anything about the GazettE's indie days. The only thing I remember is seeing them perform at an event when Shibuya’s O-WEST was still called ON AIR WEST. However, I vividly remember that time. It felt almost like a spell. Perhaps it was the atmosphere on stage, including the fanaticism of the fans, that gave me a sense of fear.

Although it’s not included in this interview, Aoi mentions that during the early tours, even when they went to Hokkaido, they didn’t have the budget to stay in hotels. He recalls sleeping in the car during the dead of winter and being warned by a police officer the next morning, "If you sleep here, you'll freeze to death." In the DVD, he also says that the GazettE is a band that took the long route. In an era where you can search anything with a cell phone or a computer, opting not to take shortcuts but instead relentlessly performing live across the country is, in my opinion, a lot more demanding than it would have been for bands active 20 or 30 years ago. After all, when you start drawing a crowd, temptations are everywhere.

When I asked during an interview for their single Guren why they continued to play so many live shows, their response was crystal clear: “Simply put, a band is all about performing live.”, “If you neglect that, it’s like denying everything.”, “If people don’t come to see us live, there’s no point.”, “Even interviews and photoshoots are ultimately connected to our live shows.” This stubborn and resolute attitude hasn’t changed at all, even as they enter their seventh year as a band. I believe that even when the GazettE celebrates their 10th or 20th anniversary, they will still give the same answer. They describe themselves as awkward, but perhaps they’ve always been focused on what truly matters, while eliminating anything they consider impure.

One result of that is their grand final shows at Osaka-jo Hall and the two-day performance at the Yoyogi National Gymnasium. The overwhelming, thunderous cheers they received were proof that their fans were thirsting for the GazettE. The heat and energy in the venue were so intense that the microphones set up for recording were nearly toppling over. In the midst of that incredible atmosphere, the GazettE stood tall, poised and composed. They played their music and exchanged energy with those who needed it. There was no pretension, nor any forced attempts at unification. Everything unnecessary was stripped away. What remained were songs and performances that stirred the soul—the essence of what a rock band should be. No matter how common downloads become, no matter how advanced technology gets and how perfectly crafted recorded music becomes, it will never compare to the immediacy and thrill of a live performance. The GazettE probably knew that long ago…

Review

Highly acclaimed! The writer's “post-interview” review.

葵 (the GazettE)

Aoi’s first solo interview. He had analyzed himself as a sensitive and thoughtful person, which was absolutely true. Although he was a little shy during the questions, he still made me laugh and was very attentive to the atmosphere of the conversation. Still, that doesn’t mean he came across like the “friendly older brother” type. The unique aura and sensuality of a true rock musician were unshaken throughout the interview—something that left a lasting impression. I knew about the GazettE’s fierce dedication to their music, where heated arguments are commonplace, but I was surprised to learn that in everyday conversation, Aoi finds it awkward to even say, “Wanna grab a meal?”(laughs). His shy side as a guitarist shines through, even as he sneakily sends messages (or pleas?) to his bandmates through the magazine.

―――――――――― ―――――――――― ――――――――――

Scans cr: The Archive Translation: ChatGPT

[apollos-favorite-child]

First of all, I think it’s interesting that you never mentioned that all of this so called drama happened SIX MONTHS ago. All of me and my friends were completely over it, and I had basically forgotten it had happened. So why are you still so hung up on it?? Drama comes up often in this community, but I thought we were all at least mature enough about it to forgive and forget. Apparently not! Making that whole post was very unnecessary. You’re being mean to a kind group of people about something that was never a big deal before you escalated the situation. People shouldn’t be judged for one thing they did, and trying to get other people who weren’t involved in this at all to ignore or even be rude to a nice group of role players is just too much. The whole situation in general was never even that big of a deal! From what I remember (since your post was not really well written, so im not using that as a source) they accidentally triggered one of your friends and misgendered them. In the server that you were in charge of, your friend had the option to say that they would be triggered by something, and my friends never even would’ve mentioned it! Orphic and the others are all very respectful of things like this, and it’s your friends fault if they never mentioned it would trigger them. For the misgendering thing, that was a complete mistake, and they quickly started using the correct pronouns (and even apologized if I remember right) when they realized their mistake. It’s also interesting that only you ever talk about all of this, and I’ve never even heard your friend mention it or defend themselves. If they can get over it, why can’t you? And not even tagging them? If you’re going to talk bad about people, don’t do it on a public website like tumblr. Overall, I think people like you just need to learn to accept an apology, and stop victimizing yourself. Have a nice day Didi.

Please read this.I'm trying to warn Others about some people

hii This happened.A little while back but I haven't really told many people.Only people I saw who I knew personally and I Cared about Interacting with these people So I warned them I wouldn't want them going through what I went through So there's some people who are pretty prominent in the rp Community girls-gays-and-blades sweetxloverxx theas-clubhouse childofthewargod ofaresandnemesis theorphicforest SoYou've probably seen them and you probably thought they were nice They aren't

So me and my best friend ran a server Another main person in this.I won't be saying their name I am just going to refer to them.As color as their name is a color SoColor was extremely toxic And a terrible person Me and my best friend Are both miners We had no Fucking Idea How to deal with Someone Being terrible and toxic We were both forced Into the rolls Where we had to take care of this Person I scared if I Wasn't friends with them they would kill themselves We didn't know how to Handle it

So one day theorphicforest Created a group chat with me in my best friend And created an entire Very long paragraph about color And we tried our best to explain why we haven't done Anything So My best friend had to leave the group chat as They were saying something triggering to my best friend.For reasons.I won't be sharing because my best friend deserves privacy So I made an announcement explaining everything.The best I could explaining how they were banned from the server and how they would not come back and how I was sorry and we were sorry But then theorphicforest Started saying that He told us multiple times He Did Fucking not So everyone was starting to be mean.And we decided it would be better if we just left and gave up ownership.So we did but after we left theas-clubhouse girls-gays-and-blades ofaresandnemesis childofthewargod theorphicforest sweetxloverxx Started shit talking us Being completely mean and it was uncalled for And fucked up. The only reason me and my best friend know we were shit.Talked is because one of our friends was still on the Server.She is an amazing person.I won't be saying Her name Because she deserves privacy She took Screenshots and showed us I still have these screenshots If anyone would like to see these screenshots I will gladly show them. Please do not Reblog this and @ them. I don't want them Seeing this. I don't want to have to interact with them. And if you have any problems with me Speaking out about this then we can't be friends And I would prefer for you To block me

[im-no-jedi]

there’s literally been years of discourse between Hunter stans and Crosshair stans, arguing about who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong, usually with one side actively hating the other character

meanwhile, I, who greatly sympathizes with both characters and can relate to them both, am just standing off to the side like 🧍🏻‍♀️

[ciderjacks]

therapy

[canichangemyblogname]

I’m just… I’m tired.

A group of men making a joke skit about “casting couches” isn’t just tacky, but tone deaf.

Just because something wasn’t done maliciously doesn’t mean it doesn’t do harm.

[livvyofthelake]

millie bobby brown your future in romcoms could be huge if you get out of that damn netflix contract…. no one believes in you more than me babygirl i’ll watch anything you’re in… um except that godzilla movie with so much peace and love of course honey you were barely in that i love your starring roles… millie you’re a star you need to exploit netflix into getting you in a room with shonda rhimes so you can be in her post bridgerton return to film that i’m predicting…

[koropukgoro]

God I have the whole scenario mapped out in my head. Definitely happening during that era where they’ve drifted apart a bit since Jayce joined the council and Viktor turns to cracking rune combinations for days exhausting himself to cope & deal with his frustration at Jayce’s distancing due to circumstance and decisions. Letting himself just get careless once and zap boom hextech is still magic… the right runes shrunk him itty bitty. And it takes him a good 20 minutes before he stirs from where he fell to realize what’s happened to him (and trying hard not to panic while also that inherent fascination as a scientist for the arcane).

and Jayce happening to come into the lab right there… tiny 2 inch tall Viktor so easy to not notice as Jayce sees he’s missing (semi normal), but his walking cane is on the floor. Papers are scattered. And the stool? Calling out Viktor where are you… reaching down to straighten the stool only to notice the movement of somethin small with a shrill lil voice…

and god I feel like Jayce would also be somehow even more panicked than Viktor. Viktor trying to communicate about the runes & his theories but also frustrated cuz everything’s huge and overwhelming making him all light headed while Jayce hovers so overwhelmingly… but also his big ol puppy dog eyes examining Viktor so intensely and finds seeing his partner so small to be… so cute… and also they decide until they can do some tests & successfully recreate the shrinking, they shouldn’t try reversing the runes in case setting off some other chain that leaves Viktor worse off than just the size of a hextech gemstone. So… he’s stuck … for now… and it frustrates him to no end… but also Jayce is sooooo overtly protective and handsy with him… afraid of Viktor getting hurt even more than ever …

Arcane gt idea where something goes wrong during an experiment and either Viktor or Jayce gets shrunk

[egregiousderp]

A week’s vacation starts tomorrow. Minus Halloween, of course, because I love working Halloween at the store enough I requested to work it. I’m up to two kids who already are clearly living in their costumes: one in a Sonic Onesie with matching yellow crocs decked in sonic-themed jibbitz, and one Batman with the built-in foam muscles on a maybe…seven year old and five year old respectively? Best part of Halloween for me, honestly, seeing the kids who are going to *be* Spider-Man or whatever until Thanksgiving when their parents finally go TAKE THAT OFF WE HAVE COMPANY COMING.

Got cleared for the Jedi costume as long as I’m bladeless and the saber stays on the belt, so that’s…honestly, easy, but also feels a little weird because it’s like “oh cool what do I do with the time, now?” Like, I debated making a togruta headdress for it but decided not to just in case it’s “scary” for the real little ones.

Car’s still needing to go to the shop because it won’t start and the hood latch is broken, and my sick time from the Week of Mystery Dysentery has come up mysteriously short a hundred bucks from my already not so great paycheck, and car insurance had to be paid.

So it looks like I’m spending a week inside cooking two big meals to make use of the pantry stuff that just got cleared, with MAYBE a third if mom feels like eating chopped liver with me if I make it, and seeing how many paper cranes I can make to contribute to the thousand.

…It’s so weird working so hard to get full time for so many years, and now the benefits are slightly annoying and way less helpful than the guaranteed hours—especially since the home situation is so toxic and I’m trapped, unable to go anywhere.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

“hey so there’s been a bunch of exposures recently but we’re gonna have the volunteer party this week bc it’s outdoors so we’ll be fine. yeah it’s a bunch of people all talking maskless face to face in relatively close proximity but we’re outside so any transmission would of course be impossible” be so fucking for real

[sonofsallyjackson]

Maybe it’s the environmentalist in me that was hit hard by Pan’s death scene, but I’m really interested to see how they handle Grover wanting to search for Pan. They’ve already gotten rid of the Elders debating whether he has earned the right to search since he failed to safely deliver 2 half bloods to camp. (The debate is also unnecessary because the show did not show Percy carrying Grover across the border and Mr D even said that Grover succeeded.) I’m hoping that the reference to his family member at Medusa’s is still left in. Grover’s quest for Pan is central to his character growth and it should come up before we jump into book 2. (Yes I’m delusional and have already assumed we’ll get all 5 seasons) The fact that it hasn’t yet is irrelevant since everything is moving so fast, but I want the slow build to Grover’s destiny.

[pepprs]

im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol

[robertsbarbie]

pity party for like five seconds

[releaseholiday]

.