#but sometimes it also feels like being told i have to do all the work if i want other people to ever care or lend a hand
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Vaguely inspired by that one post where Danny gets summoned by the JL and keeps throwing his shoes and stuff at them bc HE might not be able to leave the summoning circle but his clothes sure can!
I think the twist for that was that the circle doesnt effect him at all because hes a halfa and he was just goofing with the JL.
But imagine if the summoning and containment WORKED.
Like, he gets summoned and its startling, but once he realizes hes been summoned hes mostly annoyed.
Its a school night! He has work to do! Sure he wasnt DOING it, but it was still a possibility!
And hes trying to banter with the JL. Which for him just means being vaguely-obnoxious-but-somewhat-charming.
But then he tries to leave.
Maybe hes worried about his friends reaction to seeing him disappear.
Maybe the JL are saying some anti ghost/demon/whatever they think he is nonsense.
Maybe he changed his mind about doing that homework.
But either way, it doesnt work.
He drags his hand along the edge of the spell. It doesnt give, and he realizes hes not sure what this spell is supposed to do.
Its all along the floor beneth him, he cant fly through the floor.
He tries to get away from the walls and floor, worried whatever spell makes up the container can be triggered to hurt him or brainwash him or SOMETHING.
Its not his best guest, but he has never been summoned before, at least not with this type of barrier, and he doesnt know what to expect.
He barely gets a few feet off the ground when he hits the spells invisible roof.
And he is trapped.
And now this fourteen year old child is caged in a room with clearly dangerous adult strangers.
After hes been more or less kidnapped.
He’s suddenly regretting insulting them.
And its not his first time beimg kidnapped. Or his first time being in danger in general (obviously).
but its usually some ghost! Or Vlad “Loser, I hardly know her!” Masters!
Both of whom explain literally everything they plan in long ass evil monologues! It usually takes danny five minutes tops to learn their entire life story Dr Doofenshmirtz style!
He knows most of them personally! They hang out sometimes! Heck! even the local ghost hunters are either literally related to him or someone he’s dated!
He knows their powersets, their strengths, their weaknesses.
Most importantly, he knows their goals
But now hes trapped. In a room of clearly superpowerd strangers. With magical abilities strong enough to trap him for real.
And has no idea what they want
And Danny just freezes up
This could be super angsty if the JL were told that he was evil and think his panic + young features are only done to manipulate them.
You can also add angst with a language barrier/translation issue
I imagine the JL would be trying to get information about ghosts/ are trying to get someone to fight a villain they can’t defeat
Its going to scare the shit out of Danny either way- like imagine fourteen year old you gets kidnapped by strangers and they start asking you about your weaknesses or say they will only let you out if you agree to fight this monster.
And if Danny doesnt know this villain or how tf hes going to fight them he might feel like hes being sent off to get his ass kicked.
I can just imagine Danny being told he has to fight this supervillain and being like “…if i like..die…trying to fight this guy…what are you going to do with my body? Like will you send me home? Cause my family will freak if my corpse is teleported into the living room”
JL would not be happy about any of his responses.
Im begging someone to write this please have a nice day
#danny phantom#dp x dc#justice league#justice league x danny phantom#not a ship#dc x dp#dc x dp crossover#dcxdp#dpxdc#misunderstandings#angst potential
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hii!! i love your work! i would like to request head-canons with a reader who is an ex cop (could be from the same reason as jun ho, as they failed to investigate the mysterious island) but this time, they’re actually able to infiltrate into the games. you can do separate characters for gi hun, in ho, dae ho, thanos, and nam gyu?!
Squid Game Boys if You Were Undercover in the Games
Paring: Seong Gi-hun, Hwang In-ho, Kang Dae-ho, Choi Su-bong (Thanos), Nam-gyu x fem!Reader (Separate)
Warnings: Drugs
A/n: I hope I understood this correctly, Anon, it's a very cool one! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
~🍡🍡
Hwang In-ho:
This would be very interesting indeed
Since he's also an undercover spy-esc. type, he might not even notice if you act suspicious in that type because he's covering up himself
but he also seems smart enough to figure it out
he would admire your bravery, if so, and originally planned to shut you down once he thought you'd had enough fun
but there was something about the way you looked at him sometimes that made him pause
it took him a while to realise he actually liked you, and the thought didn't exactly comfort him
you guys would play a game of tag in the dark, jumping around the fact that you're on opposing sides of a growing war
and you'd both pretend you knew nothing so you could be friendly guilt-free
he wouldn't hesitate at the chance to save your life, unlike he would for many other "friends"
he's very protective and defensive of you anytime anyplace
if anyone even thought of hurting you, pray for them fr
he's almost ashamed to admit to himself that he cares about you, but the thought hardly crosses his mind when met with false hatred for you instead.
(or what he calls hatred)
Seong Gi-hun (s2):
You knew he could use all the help he could get, and he seemed almost too kind to be in this place
and you knew you could use all the help you could get as well
so you didn't have to think long on it to decide to tell him what you knew
he trusts you, for sure
he's also protective of you, trying his best to ensure your safety even though that's a hard ask
and you protect him too, to the best of your abilities
you both have a common goal, too, and that helps with the bonding
speaking of
you two would bond pretty well imo, sharing your stories and fears with each other at night
he's not very confident in terms of romance, and he'd probably miss most of your hints because he's so used to people never glancing his way
but eventually he would understand
if not your feelings, then his own
and he would probably confess to you by like either exploding a bunch of words out of his mouth that are hardly understandable, or very quietly and clearly, like he's sharing a secret with you
Kang Dae-ho:
If you told him he would be so impressed, let's be honest here
literally star-struck, because an undercover ex-cop is the sickest thing ever??
and not to mention he definitely already admires you
he wants to know everything about your investigation and your backstory
he feels very safe with you, but still holds himself to the standard of defending you if he needs to
you'll probably have to make the first move unless you can boost his ego a little more because like I said, he thinks you're way too cool for him
you would do your best to help him, and he does the same for you
which really makes you two a crazy power couple because when you guys really link up you're unstoppable
I just know yall would devour in the riot omg
he loves loves loves you, and he loves talking to you about all the police stuff you do and his time in the military
Choi Su-bong (Thanos):
It's an understatement to say you were wary of him, and even more wary of telling him your reasons for being here
but it's not like he would notice anything weird, so you'll be alright
you were trying to keep a low profile, but Thanos didn't intend to just let a pretty girl like you get away
He tried his usual charms, and whether or not they worked is... irrelevant... 🤭
anyways
you joined his group because you thought it gave you safety, but that didn't stop Thanos from trying to win you over
after your suspicions died down, he seemed pretty genuine
so you told him your story, and he listened
he told you he'd try to help you, but neither of you know if he could really help that much
but he definitely respected you more after that
and nobody dares to mess with Thanos's girl, but if they did, you know he'd handle it
he thinks of you as a close friend as well, and he trusts you more after you tell him you're undercover
he would want to tell Nam-gyu, but he wouldn't if you didn't want him to
he would think it's hot lmao
he'd be like, "So you're a super secret spy? cool, cool. Where's your earpiece?"
"bro"
"Hm?"
it overall wouldn't really affect how he treats you, but your relationship would sift, probably for the better
Nam-gyu:
Depending on how you met, he would be really gentle with you imo
he's really nice with thanos (though he claims it's for the drugs)
so I think if he liked you he would really like you
we know he's very touchy and probably protective of you
but when you tell him your real story, he's flabbergasted
I mean sure, it makes sense, but what??
his perfect wife? (he's known you 4 days)
he's very proud of it
will probably yap to everyone about it, sadly
you'll really have to hold him back, if you can
he'd say he wants to hear about it but hed probably lose interest lmao
but he'll ask you late at night, and you two will talk for a while about your lives
he'd say he's ashamed of his life currently, and that you have so much more potential
you'd have to comfort him and tell him it's okay
also, please comfort him when he takes drugs from thanos because they make him pretty anxious sometimes
and he just wants to be with you, so hold him ♡
protects you but also knows you can handle yourself, just give him this
Sorry, I'm posting really slow but all the req will be out once I get on that grind ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
~🍡🍡
#mocchii writes#squid game#squid game x reader#dae ho x reader#thanos x reader#nam gyu x reader#in ho x reader#gi hun x reader#player 388 x reader#player 230 x reader#player 001 x reader#player 456 x reader#player 124 x reader#choi su bong x you#seong gi hun x reader#hwang in ho x reader#kang dae ho x reader#squid games x reader#squid game thanos#squid games#thanos x you#frontman x reader#front man x reader#young il x reader#dae ho x you#frontman x you#front man x you#thanos squid game
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★ Oh Captain, My Captain
Nika/Monkey D. Luffy x Reader ★
Egghead Spoilers!! ~ Straw Hat!Reader ~ Gender Neutral ~ Fluff
a/n: Because Nika's also considered the God of Liberation, reader is implied to have some history of being captured and/or enslaved. It isn't expanded upon; Whether it's like Nami in Arlong Park or Kuma with the Celestial dragons or anything else is up to interpretation.
You're setting out the incense you've been using since you first dabbled in worship when Luffy—your captain and boyfriend—barges in. He'd been curious when you first told him what you were doing before it inevitably petered off.
However, recently, his interest came back in full swing; What does praying to this Nika really entail?
You can't help but roll your eyes affectionately. You hadn't started praying necessarily, so there wasn't anything to get mad at. You're tucked away in the lookout room—after opening the window, it's the only place where the incense's smoke wouldn't get trapped. You had just barely convinced Zoro to delay his training for an hour so you could pray. You considered the library, but the look you imagine to be on Robin's face if she had found out you burned incense near books immediately steered you away from its door. Scooting to the side, you let Luffy coil around you and watch curiously over your shoulder.
"What's that?" You can feel his head tilt against your neck.
"The incense?"
"Mm."
You light the sticks and breathe in the comforting scent. After you put out your match, you kneel in front of the makeshift altar on the couch. He plops down, still attached to your side.
"It's like... Hm. Smoke to guide my prayers?" You hold up one of your hands to gesture to the billowing vapor. "So that Nika can reach them."
Luffy's face scrunches at the mention of Nika's name. He sometimes reminds you of a cat when he does that. Luffy's smile doesn't falter—because Monkey D. Luffy never falters—but it turns like the gears in his head.
"Like a news coo?"
You blink. "I guess. Like a news coo."
He hums thoughtfully. Luffy's arms wrap round and round your torso as you set up to pray. You're almost impressed by how still he's sitting until—yeah, no, he fell asleep. You smile. Whatever works, you think to yourself.
You finish your prayer without a hitch, which is better than the usual outcome you get with Luffy sitting in for it. You even get to lean into him and breathe in the feeling for a long while before he wakes up.
Luffy blinks the sleep from his eyes. Blearily, he looks at the lack of smoke, the midday sun, and your gentle, loving smile.
"You're fast at praying," Luffy says. You snort.
The smoke has already faded, blown out through the open window. Despite yourself, you find your mind drifting with it back to the shores of Egghead. Luffy... That had been the fight of your lives. It was nothing compared to the power you'd been thoroughly beaten by two years ago, but you still survived. By the skin of your teeth, yes, but you survived. All thanks to the pirates of Elbaf.
Well, them and Luffy's new gear.
You can still see it, every time you close your eyes.
Bouncing between hell and its horrors, your captain just smiled and laughed in its face. You'd seen a glimpse of it from the fight on Onigashima, but seeing him truly fight—and Vegapunk saying exactly what you were feeling—only confused you more.
The first time you heard of the god... you'll never forget it. It was like shadow blotted out the sky, with no hope to be found. Time blurred, until you couldn't distinguish each endless day from the rest.
And then you heard it.
Nika.
His story was passed in whispers during meal time and prayers muttered before curfew. You pick it up pieces at a time.
He's a god of destruction, you learn first. You hear it from the angry, spiteful stories of people hoping He would come down and lay waste to all those who have harmed His followers.
He's a god of the Sun, you learn soon after. You hear it from longing, wistful stories of people hoping He would part the clouds and let the sun shine its light to guide His followers home.
He's a god of laughter, you learn after a while. You hear it from sad, mirthless stories of people hoping He would give His followers something to laugh about for the first time in a while.
In the end, you never hear it from a specific tale. You piece it together, taking the ending from each and every other one; Nika is a god of Liberation. No matter who and no matter where, each of His followers pray He will find them and free them.
It's this that bewitches you. Somewhere from the beginning until then, you realized that you, too, prayed to Nika and shared His stories. Whispering of the day He would come and save you all.
You squeezed Luffy's wrist. "Hey, I have a question."
Your captain tilts his head. He doesn't say anything, just squeezing you.
"A-Are you... Um, Do you know Nika?"
Luffy purses his lips, furrowing his eyebrows. A second passes, and then another, and then his eyes widen. "Oh yeah! That's the one you pray to, right? Bonney mentioned that guy! What about 'im?"
You rub circles against his skin with your thumb. You can feel his warmth.
"...Can I see your Gear 5?"
Luffy looks at you. He doesn't ask you anything about it. The look that he has—it's like he can see the storm in your head. Unraveling himself, Luffy rolls backwards into a squat and grins at you.
Pressure in the room builds. Something foreign drapes itself over Luffy as his eyes shut. It shakes like strikes to a drum, vibrating through the air until it reaches you and reverberates through your bones.
And then he opens his eyes.
It's like staring down a wild animal.
"I feel it!" Balling up his hand, your captain bangs his fist against his chest. With each strike, lightning bursts forth and grazes past. His chest beats with every strike until his hands drop and it still beats—Luffy's body sways under the force of its rhythm, possessed by something you're tempted to call a dance.
It's then you see it; White bleeds from his scalp and devours up the black of his hair. It doesn't stop until it swallows up the color in his clothes, until clouds sprout into existence and wrap around his arms.
It's not particularly cold, but his sharp exhale is like a dragon's breath of steam. He breathes in, chest swelling with air, and then bursts into laughter.
Sparks fly with every cackle, bouncing off the walls and pushing them like- like rubber. You stumble back, twisting your body to dodge the electricity. You want to go closer. You want to see. You want to—
Nika.
Air whooshes past your ears and your nose brushes against his.
Glowing, red eyes stare down at you, crinkling at the edges with unabashed mirth. If you weren't already on your knees, hands clasped in front of you in prayer, you would've collapsed at the sight. Hell, you feel your eyes pop out of your head at it.
With warmth you can almost taste, Nika laughs.
"Caught you," He says.
You give in.
Nika breezes past you and flops back against the crow's nest's couch, riding with the waves that ripple through it like a water bed. His movement almost knocks over the unlit incense.
You scoot forward until you're closer. You lay your head atop His thighs and wind your arms behind His knees, avoiding the radiant light staring down at you. Your heart pitter-patters so hard against your ribcage you worry He can feel it against His shins.
But then Nika laughs—oh, how He laughs, it's like the sound soars from His lips and dances among the incense smoke. It's divine. It dissipates the worry from your heart.
"Oh, sun," you gasp, "it's you."
"Of course it's me!" He laughs. The sound makes your heart dance. "Who else could it be?"
"I-It's just that—" You risk a look, and it's just as blinding as you imagined. You bury your face again. "I thought that- that Nika—"
"—What?—"
"I mean, you look just like him!" You force yourself to look up at His radiance. "It's almost like- you're Nika!"
The blinding figure just laughs at you again, slapping his palm against his stomach. "I'm not Nika! Jeez, you're kinda stupid!"
You ignore the obvious dig, scrambling to sit up straight. You're in so much shock, your jaw drops.
Literally.
You feel your chin smack against the ground before you realize what's happening. You scream as you desperately try to shut your mouth—and it snaps right up like nothing. You slap a hand over your mouth.
All of a sudden, a light bulb appears only to alight above the man's head. Hands clasp themselves on the sides of your face. Before you can manage a thought, they pry you up to stare into furious, ruby eyes. "I'm not Nika! I'm Luffy!"
Thought escape you, but you scrounge together your words. "I know, but-" That hair, that laugh.
His pout stops you. "Don't start calling me that, too! You know I'm Luffy!" He yells. You can feel the air bend at the strength of his voice.
The heat would be suffocating if you weren't so used to it. You're used to Luffy treating you like this, but if you didn't know better, you'd think the steam over your head was coming from your ears at the treatment.
Wait. What?
You look up, and—yeah, okay, that's really steam. You clasp your hands over your ears and feel condensation gather on your palm.
Luffy's expression clears like clouds parting. He doesn't even bother trying to frown! Despite your shock, Luffy can't help but laugh. He tosses his head back and laughs, clutching at his stomach and covering his eyes. The force of his amusement almost feels physical. You fall onto your back while he just clambers on over you until his forehead is pressed against yours.
"I'm," he gasps between giggles, "Luffy!"
"I know!"
"I'm Luffy!" He cackles this time!
Oh, you can't help the way the laugh that bursts out of you. Seeing him again, feeling the warmth of his skin, it's different. Reverence possessed you from afar, but your heart knows the feel of Luffy's touch. No God could make you feel so much love like this—not even a God of Liberation.
You gently cradle his face, soft smile on your lips, and nod. "I know, captain. You're always my Luffy," you say, and you know it's true.
"Good!"
He grins and falls off of you. The planks bend and ripple with waves under him.
You sit up. Suppressing your snickers, you pull him up by the lapel of his vest. Luffy's head lolls back as you shake him. The laughter rumbling in his chest feels like it's rattling your ribcage. He's practically boneless like this... kind of reminds you of a cat. You snicker at the thought.
The novelty of Gear 5 had worn off by now. Here, sitting with your captain, you didn't feel any of the reverence you did when you first saw Him. No, there's no reverence—all you can feel is love in your veins and laughter in your heart with him.
"Hey, Luffy."
He peeks at you curiously. "Whuh?"
You pull him closer, stealing a gentle kiss.
When you pull back, you can't help but snicker. Luffy has a goofy, squiggly grin on his face as he melts into goo, with hearts floating above his head and spirals in his eyes. What a strange boyfriend you have.
You let out a sigh. How blessed you are.
#monkey d luffy x reader#luffy x reader#nika x reader#sun god nika x reader#one piece x reader#monkey d luffy x you#monkey d luffy x y/n#luffy x you#luffy x y/n#one piece fluff#luffy fluff#monkey d luffy fluff#I wasn't sure how to write Nika while still making him feel like Luffy#So hopefully this is in character#atlas archives
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Hi there, I was wondering what bangchan would be like dating a bookworm? Like would he like being read to? or he enjoys listening about the stories you've read.
hii!
oooh this is one is so good!!! 🎀 as a bookworm myself i have thooooughts on this and i feel like chan would absolutely love being with someone who’s book obsessed…
‧ ୨୧ ‧ since he's a busy guy who is always focused on work, new ideas and projects i think he would love for you to read close to him. the kind of thing where you're both doing your own stuff but close to one another. when working at home he would def text you or come and pout about you needing to come read next to him while he's working. he would tuck you in a blanket, make sure you're all comfortable and give you a quick kiss before going back to his own thing. he would also love to take little breaks and come sit next to you so you can tell him all about the book you're reading. he would love to see your eyes light up with excitment and get in your own little world as you tell him everything about it.
‧ ୨୧ ‧ i think the reading to him thing would come later, kind of as a surprise that this is something he actually enjoy and can even be beneficial for him. it would probably happen when his insomnia is acting up and it's 3:00am and sleep is not an option to him. you'd find him on the couch, working on his computer, sleep bags under his eyes. ofc he would try to get you back to bed and apologize for waking you up but no no you wouldn't want to hear it because poor baby:( insomnia is a really lonely sleep disorder. so no leaving him alone. you would come back with blankets, your glasses and a book in hand. "sometimes when i can't sleep i pick up my book and it helps me... so i thought it might work for you too." he would smile very big and wide and pull you closer "that's very sweet babe but i'm afraid i'm not that much of a reader" "i know, that's why i'm going to read it to you. i picked that book i told you about and you seemed to like." then, because he is a big ol' softy his heart would squeeze and tighten in his chest at this pure demonstration of love. you would cuddle real close with him laying between your legs, head resting on your chest. he'd pull the blankets up close and settle in to listen to the soothing sound of your voice until the next thing he knows... it's 10am and you're both still on the couch, book on your chest, your glasses askew on your nose and he wouldn't believe it worked and he fell asleep!! he would wake you up with lots of kisses and silly grins because he. fell. asleep. !!! he'd call you a magician and cook you breakfast to thank you :3 i think it would then become a tradition for the two of you and he’d even start listening to audiobooks because ofc he doesn’t want you awake every night to read him books!! (even though he frickin loves it)
all in all, i think chan would loooove having a bookworm partner :3
(pictures are not mine. credit to the owner!)
#ilya's skz headcanon#ilya writes#stray kids#stray kids x reader#bang chan#lee know#changbin#hyunjin#han skz#felix skz#seungmin skz#i.n skz#stray kids fluff#bang chan x reader#bang chan headcanons#bookworm reader
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No but being in Yuu's shoes and being in a relationship with Eric can be fun to torture Vil, of course depending on the relationship between you and Vil. Vil is your ex-boyfriend who treated you badly? Fuck his dad. Vil is being a little shit to you and your friends? Fuck his dad. Vil is your enemy? I think you know what to do. He'll hate you more. Also, you can break his heart if he has a crush on you. It seems like all those scenarios are the same but they have those little differences that make them all unique in their own way. Well, the only thing that remains is that Vil has to put up with seeing you at school while you're with his dad.
Also, can we have a sugar daddy fight? I think Eric has the potential to be one of the best sugar daddies. A great rival would be Crewel. He seems to appreciate Vil too.
(By the way, I love Vil. So this isn't hate propaganda against him.)
warning for intoxication in this post lolz minors dni etc
I love vil also but sometime you have to torture the blond man a little yk
orz the possibilities... I love revenge sex in stories, I love drama, etc, my favorite of these is definitely the first except this: vil was a really good (perfect) boyfriend, but he dumped you right before/after graduating NRC so he could focus on his career. he told you he just couldn't imagine finding the time for a relationship with his schedule, and school was one thing, but now he's an ~adult~ and he needs to get serious about his career. it wouldn't be fair to stress and burden you with his work, after all
and you let him because, well, it's vil. once his mind is made up on something, it's almost impossible to dissuade him. you have friends, and you try to talk to them, but nothing really helps. not even rook can cheer you up
and one night you're really feeling it, the sadness, the loneliness, the rejection, maybe you're scrolling through vil's magicam and looking at his perfect life, how your absence meant nothing to him, and you're desperate for his comfort but you can't have that, so you have the next best thing. next thing you know, your ex's middle-aged father is taking you out for a drink and a talk to ease your worries. in the blur of alcohol and laughter, you think he almost looks like vil, but not so strict, not so stressed
he's very charming, too. how have you never noticed? before tonight he was always so cordial, friendly but distant. perhaps it's only the alcohol, perhaps you had just been so wrapped up in vil's glamor you never gave erik a second thought. but he's really quite funny, isn't he? he keeps making jokes, teasing you, it's almost friendly. and he's a flatterer, too, you're sure he's never complimented you so much in your life
but he's only trying to cheer you up, right? this was the man who was going to be your father-in-law, you thought
...but now he's just a man, and one who happens to be buying you plenty of drinks and complimenting your smile, at that
you both end up a little more tipsy than you'd meant to, but you're having fun, and for the first time in weeks, you're not thinking about... what was his name, again? you can't even bring yourself to mope, everything is a little blurry, isn't it?
and you both end up in his house, somehow, and he tells you that vil is doing a shoot in fleur city this weekend, so don't worry too much about waking him, you can make as much noise as you want, it's just you and erik
and it's you that ends up on your back, or on your hands and knees, or bent over the marble counter in the stupidly expensive kitchen, or, more likely, all three over the course of the night, getting stretched out on his cock, his grunts in your ear and his breath on your neck, telling you how good and beautiful you are, how long he's wanted this-
I think he'd like to see you, your stomach or thighs or back, covered in his cum when he's done. such a lewd position you never should have been in
and you tell yourself, in the morning, that it was just a spur of the moment thing. you were just emotional, you were both drunk, and alone, and it won't happen again
it will. it does. vil is going to have a queen-sized meltdown when he finds out, of course, but for now, y'know, being a sugar baby isn't that bad
you still find it a little ironic how erik, who is just as, if not more career-oriented than vil, still has time in his busy schedule to see you >_>
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Hiii, i was wondering if you had any head cannons about his relationship with people and/or his different love languages with them? Also as a side note I really like your posts! I love Richard Grayson and I love all your headcannons and rants, I think its all amazing! Also have a good day/night :3
First of all, thank you very much <3 have a good day/night you too :D
Second, yes, yes I can definitely think of their love languages, and as someone who has different types for different people, I love this topic.
I don't know if it's enough to consider it HC, but let's say it's a mix of that and my analysis of the character:
Body language, physical contact:
According to the fandom, Dick functions on hugs and would even hug a cactus, and in reality, Dick does show a lot of his affection through physical contact, but in my opinion, this has two ways of expression:
With his family (including friends), physical contact, and especially hugs, definitely IS on of his way of showing love. As someone who grew up for a type of acting where body language is a must, because stories are often told on the trapeze, it is not just about spinning and jumping, body language, including physical contact, is something that Dick takes for granted as a way of expressing his appreciation to other people. Plus, with an emotionally constipated Bruce, and an overly refined English butler like Alfred, Dick had the need to reaffirm this type of love language, reading body language to understand and express appreciation for them.
On the other hand, Dick probably wouldn't initiate a hug with strangers, but he would not deny them. He has an impressive understanding of feelings, demonstrating his emotional intelligence, so he understands hugs as a form of comfort and empathy.
So, Dick definitely shows his love through hugs and physical contact, body language in general, both deeply to his loved ones, like his empathy and love for the strangers he wants to protect, that he decided to protect.
Words of affirmation:
We all know that Dick is a master of his words, he has a natural eloquence that works both to encourage and to manipulate other people.
This also works as a form of love language for him, expressing his appreciation to others so that they never doubt him or themselves.
He also expresses himself through his spoken concern for others, sometimes even issuing orders or demands. This is not because he is grumpy or because he cannot express himself, but because, again, he grew up in a circus, one where he performed an act that meant life or death, his parents, although loving, had to be upright and demanding with him for his safety. Then, once again, Bruce only further cemented this in him, where he had to be demanding to ensure Dick's safety.
But even so, Dick always assures that his demands come from concern, not disappointment. Dick always affirms his love for others, assuring them that he will be there for them no matter what.
Acts of service:
Do I really need to explain this point?
Dick expresses his love in acts big and small, from helping wash dishes to saving the damn world.
I partly feel that he does this as an extension of his type of love with body language, in addition to being a reaffirmation of his words.
Dick expresses his love with words, but he reaffirms that love with his actions. It's not a matter of talking and not acting, it's a matter of talking and showing that he means it.
Sometimes words are unnecessary, and he proves it only with his actions.
Penguinads:
Okay, this is totally a HC of mine.
As someone who grew up without much financial resources, the gifts were probably small things, often made by himself. Plus, he traveled all over the world, so he probably had a lot of little souvenirs that were given to him or that he collected.
So, Dick is probably the kind of person who sees a cute rock on the street, will pick it up and hand it to you, he may or may not explain the reason.
About his relationship with his loved ones, it completely depends on who he is with.
Dick is an accomplished actor, this does not mean that he pretends to be someone he is not with everyone tho, but he decides which facet of his personality to show to each one.
I don't want to make the post too long, so I'll summarize my thoughts here.
Dick has a complicated relationship with his family, because he loves them, yes, but he is not blind to their imperfections. This doesn't mean that he doesn't believe they are beyond redemption, but he's not going to forgive them as if nothing happened. He is not a hypocrite either, he knows that he also did things wrong on many occasions, perhaps this is something that helps him keep his empathy intact, because he can see both sides more easily.
His family, on the other hand, tend to idealize Dick quite a bit, they have too many expectations of him, which causes both positive and negative thoughts towards him.
This is a kind of cycle, it is not a healthy relationship, but over time we see that they are adapting to their dynamics. They have strange ways of showing affection, and very obvious ways of showing contempt... It's complicated at best.
With his friends, especially the Titans, Dick is probably more himself than he ever is.
Dick is a simple person, he is humble and quite charismatic, which makes him easy to get along with and also makes you trust him.
This helped a lot with his friends, where he not only acts as a leader, but their confidant, their brother, and their unconditional support.
Some may think it's hypocritical that Dick acts more like a brother to his friends than to his own siblings, but many people don't understand that, first, friends are the family you choose, and your behavior will always be different; and second, Dick IS a big brother to his family. What changes is not just Dick's behavior, what is really different is the response he receives in return.
His friends respond in a totally different way to his family, which makes their dynamic seem more fluid, and definitely healthier.
I'll try to explain my point of view more at some point, but I hope this ramble answers your question a bit-
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Deaf Outsiders Headcanons
I'd like to preface this by saying I'm hearing, and I've only been studying sign language, deaf history, and Deaf culture from a Deaf professor for the past couple months, and I do not know everything. I've researched the medical backgrounds for the genetic conditions and injuries mentioned, but some information might be incorrect and/or I might've misunderstood some things. If it is or I have, please tell me! I don't mean any misinformation or disrespect and I apologize if I cause any offense.
These also include some other disabilities!
Some world-related stuff:
There's no deaf schools in Tulsa, but the Oklahoma School for the Deaf was founded in 1908 so the time periods would hypothetically work out
In this alternative story there would be a deaf school in Tulsa and the Curtis brothers would all attend/have attended said school
I know it's Gallaudet University, but before 1986 it was a college
For the Curtis family: all of them are deaf. I think they'd have Autosomal Dominant Non-Syndromic (DFNA) deafness, maybe a variant in the MYH14 gene, which causes those with the variant to progressively lose their hearing within the first 3 decades of their lives. The Curtis parents taught their boys how to sign ASL, which they'd use at home, speak English, which they'd only use for hearing people, and lip read, also for hearing people, to an extent when they were young. The Curtis parents encouraged their boys to talk in sign as much as possible, but also were very upfront about ableism and how the world is built for hearing people.
Ponyboy:
Completely loses his hearing around 7-10
He's good at talking but doesn't like to, and very good at lip reading so he can watch movies
He still likes to write and caught onto English spelling and grammar quick
He often carries a notebook around to write in but mostly writes quick in ASL's grammar
He also uses it to write things to hearing people when he doesn't want to speak
He signs REALLY fast, he has a lot of things to say and good motor skills and sometimes even his parents have to ask him to repeat himself
Lexicalizes words all the time on accident
Signs to himself all the time, especially when he's alone
Likes to try and figure out what the actors are saying in movies and figure out the plot without the dialogue and sign along with the lines he can follow
VERY visual storyteller
Darrel:
Completely loses his hearing around 12-15
He can talk and lip-read very well, which he doesn't prefer but it's useful at work
Always kind of dreamed of playing football at Gallaudet, but always knew it wasn't really possible
Also signs to himself, but only when he's alone
Soda:
Completely loses his hearing closer to 3-5 and struggles with speaking compared to Darry and Ponyboy.
He always had hard time understanding English, and that plus being deaf and dyslexia contributed to him feeling stupid and dropping out of school (especially compared to Ponyboy)
He and Ponyboy talk in tactile sign at night before bed when everything's dark
His parents told him "Darry" rhymes with "Dairy" in English when he was really young and half the time he just signs "milk" instead of Darry's sign name to tease him. He got Pony in on it too
Johnny:
Hearing, but mute
Medically or selectively, either way his parents hate him for it and sent him to public mainstream school anyways
The Curtis parents taught him ASL after they met him
Him being mute contributes to why his teachers "give up on him" and to him having to repeat a grade in addition to other learning problems he was having and struggling to get the material quick enough for the curriculum
One reason why he was so scared in the hospital was because his hands were so burned he couldn't sign
Steve:
born with x-linked recessive deafness to hearing parents. His mother carried the gene and passed it to him
An especially good driver because of this
He goes to the same deaf school as the Curtis brothers and met Soda when they were in grade school, same as the book
Doesn't know how to speak English and doesn't want/care to learn it
When he was younger, he almost got caught stealing a car's hubcaps because he didn't realize how loud it was until he was telling the gang later about how the owners came outside and spotted him and Two-Bit told him that they probably heard the clattering of the metal hubcaps on the tarmac
Two-Bit:
Hearing, but his mom and sister (Tammy) are both deaf, he just didn't get the gene
Speaks English and ASL fluently but still stutters while signing because of motor skill issues
Purposefully messes up his grammar or signs sometimes just to annoy Tammy
Dallas:
Born hearing, but has Ménière's disease because he was jumped or in a car accident (something that wasn't his fault) when he was around 13-15 and the head trauma caused bleeding in the inner ear and his hearing is fluctuating at the time of the book
He's scared and angry because it'll get better and then worse and he never knows how or when it's going to change
He gets annoyed by the tinnitus and dizzy spells, and will often hole up somewhere when he feels a vertigo episode coming on and won't leave until it's over
The Curtis parents start teaching him basic sign and things to expect and things to know if he ends up permanently loosing his hearing, but he stopped trying to learn anything after they died
On one particularly shitty day when he didn't realize how loud he was being and Two told him he was yelling and he got so pissed at everything and that he didn't even realize he was being loud that he punched Two in the face
He's angry that it was something he could've stopped, that it happened when he wasn't actively looking for a fight or driving recklessly, or that it wasn't genetic because then he'd have someone/something to actively hate and blame. He never found out who jumped/crashed into him
Bonus: Socs!
Marcia:
Acquired hearing loss due to a recent head injury while barrel racing
It's not too bad at the time of the book, but they don't know if it'll get worse or not yet
She's not too worried about it, but every once in a while when she thinks about it a lot she gets really scared about what will happen if she loses her hearing permanently
She's scared she'll have to quit dance
Her mom kept her in high school and got her hearing aids eventually when it got worse
When she starts dating Two-Bit, it's another reason why she gets along with his mom and Tammy so well
They help teach her some basic sign and about Deaf culture, and kind of quench any fears she had about not being able to be happy/live if you're deaf because she didn't know anything about being deaf
Once she's learned enough sign to have conversations, she starts taking her hearing aids off at their house
Cherry:
Hearing
She was there when Marcia crashed and comforts her when she gets really worried about her future, but she doesn't really get it or know much about it
She wasn't rude about the way Pony pronounced things or later that night, when she was waiting for Ponyboy to write out what he wanted to say at the Drive-In and he got tired enough he didn't want to have to speak, which really surprised him
Bob:
Hearing
Knows nothing and could not care less about d/Deaf and generally disabled people
Thinks he can make Johnny talk if he beats him hard enough (partial motivation behind him and the Socs jumping Johnny before the book)
He knows Marcia's losing her hearing and is kind about it
Rolls his eyes sometimes when Marcia asks Cherry to repeat herself
Randy:
Hearing
Has no clue how to deal with Marcia's crash or her losing her hearing
Just tries (key word) to comfort her but doesn't do much else, just kind of goes on as normal
Similar to Bob, he'll get annoyed if she asks him to repeat himself too many times but feels a little bad about it
Paul:
Hearing
Learned some signs when he was friends with Darry
He didn't care to remember them when they stopped seeing each other
Felt "betrayed" when Darry said he dreamed of going to Gallaudet to play football because Paul just always assumed they'd go play together at some hearing mainstream college and he doesn't want to "learn all that shit" or "be around those kinds of people that much" just to play football at the same college as Darry
Bev:
Hearing
Knows about Marcia and says she doesn't care, but every once in a while she'll say something or make a joke that's just rude and shitty
Like Bob and Randy, she also doesn't cut Marcia a lot of slack if she doesn't hear something one of them says (Cherry is pretty much the only one that does)
She purposefully tries not to think about Marcia's future because she knows she'll get really upset about it, cos she thinks (and pretty much all the Soc's and hearing population, including Marcia) being deaf means you can't live or be happy
#deaf outsiders you are so dear to me#I'm not sure how the shepards would add into this#although I think it'd be interesting if they/one of them were blind#I feel like this is kinda preaching “deaf people have to learn how to speak”#let me be very clear that that is not true#but it was the 60's#and that would've been the expectation from hearing people in that area at the time unfortch#the ADA wasn't even signed until 1990#but anyways yeah! if I got anything wrong or said anything rude I'm sorry and I very much did not intend to#and if you have the time please tell me and I'll fix it asap#the outsiders#the outsiders 1983#the outsiders musical#ponyboy curtis#darrel curtis#sodapop curtis#johnny cade#steve randle#two bit mathews#dallas winston#marcia meyrink#marcia the outsiders#cherry valance#bob sheldon#randy adderson#paul holden#and yes that can definitely be parrel#bev the outsiders#deaf outsiders#headcanons
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I don't hate my job or anything, but man, being a float educator is so fucking thankless
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.
#i think im getting better tho. i mean i still can feel my warped sickyness but idk my hormones maybe have me all fucked up#but like i told my mum i get these insane little hypomanic-esque episodes and she was immediately like could b ur hormones#i know a number of ppl like that. and i was like YES. thats obviously what it is but nothing comes up when i try to google things abt it#so there must b others out there. and it also implies that theres sometimes fucked up about my serotonin receptors bc when im like kinda#positively disregard i feel happy and i never feel happy. my typical emotional state is indifferent and apathetic#and then dips into light misery and very miserable but not like clinically depressed. but i was even like that while on vacation so even#removed from the stresses in my life i still am not happy. which is y its so hard when ppl r like do what makes up happy. relax#and im like. ok but like nothing works??? its either fucked up hormones or my lantent anxiety just keeps me from being happy#but whatever. im gathering so much data. when i go see a doctor im gonna pull out a spreadsheet and graphs and notes like a lunatic#bwahhh i wanna run. i have too much energy. fuck being sick. fuck having to work on a day off. fuck this#also fuck my menstrual cycle for being so short. like so short its sometimes not listed with the healthy range but only sometimes#just to make me think. i should probably talk to a doctor but. like its probably fine. its consistent so its fine#annoying. annoying. got u can tell when out of wack bc i post too much and cant shut thr fuck up lol#unrelated
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Been mulling over an intersection of experiences I had last week and coming to the conclusion that I want it to mean something and inspire me to action, I just don't know how.
We read a text in my Women, Gender, and Science class last week that discussed the gendered/sexual language that began to be used in botany around the time of Linnaeus, and I took the opportunity to point out that there was a lot of allo- and amatonormativity happening in the same descriptions. My professor seemed enthused to hear me talk about it, but even more significantly, one of the grad students in the class, who'd been furiously taking notes while I was talking, mentioned it was the first time she'd learned about the terms and seemed extremely interested in what I was pointing out. It felt validating to bring up an angle of discussion that's a product of my own very aromantic perspective and have someone else find it well-articulated and compelling enough to take an academic interest in my point.
--And then, a few hours later, leadership for the queer student group I'm in (which I have become involved with in an official capacity, so that included me) had to deal with an instance of arophobic harassment in our Discord server, prompted by an aspec person harmlessly venting about Valentine's Day things already feeling inescapable.
All this happened the same day I ran our group's student activities fair booth, and a day after I attended my first student government meeting after signing up for the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion committee -- and specifically an advocacy project related to LGBTQA+/BIPOC mental health needs on campus -- so it's not exactly like I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs when it comes to queer activism and advocacy. But broadening someone's horizons by explaining terms that affect me daily and witnessing an attack on an aspec person from within the community, in a space where I've never seen anything like that happen to someone who wasn't aro or ace, has me thinking complicated thoughts about how much work there is left to do when it comes to ace and aro advocacy specifically, and coming to the conclusion that while I have plenty of ideas for ways to be outspoken about my community's needs as a trans person these days, I have a lot fewer when it comes to my asexual and aromantic identities.
Something to keep thinking about, I guess, although I really do wish that caring deeply about aspec issues didn't feel so niche and lonely.
#probably doesn't help that when i've dipped my toes into what ace and aro groups are doing online it's felt like.... a bad fit#i won't say it's the wrong things because clearly they matter to some people#but as someone worried more about legal issues and dismantling structural barriers than microlabels or atomizing definitions of attraction#i have felt painfully out of place in most conversations i see happening online#it's probably worth reaching out to local in-person groups but i think the local ones are a lot more hangout-based than political#and i don't know what i have the energy to start myself while still in school and dealing with so much life stress#sigh. i'm glad this is something i care about and clearly have some skill with#but sometimes it also feels like being told i have to do all the work if i want other people to ever care or lend a hand#aceblogging#aroblogging
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how to stop thinking any good thing someone says to you (like compliments or being proud of you or other positive expressions such as these) is a lie just to be polite or bc they're biased and thus can't judge you work and your being objectively bc they love you. asking for a friend
#lovebombing won't work on me i will automatically assume there is an ulterior motive there#i may be off on what it is. but i won't trust it either anyway#(joking btw ik i'm not immune to abuse tactics. that's actually part of why i'm vigilant to all that i think)#(but not only)#i think my main issue is i know in my heart these things can't be right. the bigger the compliment the less i believe it#bc i'm below average and so is anything i create. propping it (and me) up as smth unique feels disingenuous#in my heart i do want this like i wanna be told nice things but they usually make me feel worse lol#bc i still think i'm shit and now i feel like i can't trust that person either.#(still. if someone is mean to me or even just harsh instead. i will cry)#also while this is already very deep and digging into my core the next tags are gonna dig into therapy level deepness lol#i think this is actually why i only want ppl to be sexually attracted to me honestly#smth abt it being like. a physical reaction. makes it easier to believe for me#also smth you can express smth you can do to prove it beyond just saying words#(i will sometimes still doubt it when i have a steady partner of any sort lol like i'll ask if they just indulge me or actually want it)#which is why it's fucking me up sm that i'm getting uglier 🥲 i'm already not great - being trans and fat limits a lot of your options - but#things are getting even worse lol 🥲 who knew that was even possible#all this isn't really a very good base to stop hating yourself. so my self loathing is only getting worse every day#thus making any good word harder to believe. and the cycle continues#. yknow when i started typing this post i did not expect to go on for this long#i am on these sleeping pills that make me lose my filter i'm sorry 😔#vent
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lol just found out the former owner of this property has been surveilling all our mail via usps's informed delivery service, to which he still has access because he never bothered to file a change of address with them even though it's been literal years at this point, and so now i get to put 'calling the post office to get him kicked off because what the actual fuck' on my to-do list for the day!
also: i found this out because he emailed my dad an image of a piece of mail he wants us (me) to forward to him. flames on the side of my face.
#like—i was mildly annoyed when i thought it was just him being lazy#but the fact that his inaction has given him ongoing access to peruse all the mail we receive?#which on the basis of this email he clearly does at least sometimes?#CREEPY. like yeah it's whatever but also it's the principle of the thing!#anyway. as much as anything i'm irritated bc i'm not running on enough sleep#but. greargh. 🦖#(i mean‚ i'm also irritated bc my dad should have told him politely but firmly *years* ago that we'd forwarded more than enough of his mail#and that it was past time for him to file a change of address with USPS#but bc he's such a fucking doormat‚ the whole thing didn't get resolved#and is now *my* problem‚ unless i'm happy to let this guy keep viewing all my mail. which i'm not.#which is always how this works.#'i can't tell your uncle now isn't a good time‚ so i have to take his call in the middle of whatever we're doing!'#he doesn't respect himself and so he just absorbs everyone else's demands and passes them on to me‚ whom he also doesn't respect.)#anyway. have fully talked myself into a terrible mood now‚ time to stop tag spiraling.#journaling#mundanities#domesticities#…actually i lied‚ what REALLY gets my goat here is that my dad will almost CERTAINLY not acknowledge that anything abt this is an issue#because he just has basically no bandwidth ever and just wants to pretend everything is fine so he doesn't have to Do Feelings#and it becomes this really shitty really gendered thing where like. i get painted as the Crazy Woman Making an Unjustifiable Fuss#even though there are multiple aspects of this situation that it's in fact extremely reasonable for me to be unhappy with!#and it's just like. no fucking wonder i can't deal with anything‚ i can't even evaluate a situation without having my reaction invalidated#ok now that really IS all. grateful for yr patience in a Trying Time if you even got this far‚ lol.
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nevermind the fact that building confidence not only takes years but it takes a mind/constitution capable of the sort of strength of character that i just simply am not able to produce yet. hard to build confidence when you feel inadequate around literally everyone and like a burden for even existing... like dgmw i have a lot of problems i need to address in order to become fine with the oneness of human existence because i'm probably the most codependent person who hides away from people all day that i've ever heard of. it's not surprising i'm like this given that i wasn't really raised to be. open and giving and confident in any way. and i was raised (and continue to be since i view my childhood as not having ended yet NOT BECAUSE i'm "incapable" of being an adult but because i am still constantly talked down to and treated as a child bc i live with my father) in an environment where chaos is rampant and yet, somehow, avoided. my dad is a narcissistic (overused, but accurate) abusive alcohol hoarder who controls nearly every detail of my life including cutting off my access to the outside world (friends, not that i have many i can actually visit, anyways) but also my ability to simply leave the house, to take care of myself (the only shower *THAT WORKS* is connected to my mom and dad's bedroom), and he doesn't even let us clean the house so my life is essentially just a disgusting prison that i have no hope of escaping in my current state. and ughhh i've been trying for so long... so hard to make any kind of tangible change in my environment or my mindset and it never takes hold or lasts because nothing ever changes here. it's like the worst time loop movie that you could conceive because it literally never changes and the characters never grow and it never breaks. barring the transient nature of life and the fact that my parents (and i) are slowly but surely growing older... i can't avoid how pathetic it makes me feel that i have to ask my father to teach me how to drive as a favor and he won't even do me the courtesy of considering it or even lying and saying he'll do it eventually. he truly intends to never have me learn to do anything on my own so i'll rely on him until he dies because that is his ultimate form and exercising of control. i know there should be other options but, at the risk of sounding childish or naive, i don't want to do anything that would put the people i hold dear in danger. i still love my brother and mom (despite. everything) and i know for a fact nothing will ever change simply because i told my mom about my brother molesting me when i was like 8/9(?) and nothing ever came of it and we just never talk about it. i'm never even gonna try to broach that topic with my BROTHER because i'm almost certain it would drive him to kill himself because he's already so fragile (since he's 7 years older than me and stuck in the exact same situation i am. if i feel pathetic, just imagine how he feels lmao.) and i'm so used to protecting him from my vitriol and anger and hatred that i just couldn't stomach losing him over something like that DESPITE. EVERYTHING. my mom is the person i adore most in the entire world and i hate badmouthing her but she is very self-important and self-serving, even though she is so kindhearted and genuine and loving. she has no idea how to handle my emotions, so i have to control myself and hold myself back if i ever want to have an emotional outburst. but i usually don't feel the need unless i'm alone because i'm the only person who understands me and gets what i need. i've made the mistake of crying for hours around her before and getting, essentially, the cold shoulder because she has no idea what to do for me or how to make it better so she doesn't even try and it's HEARTBREAKING to even say that because she is THE PERSON i would go to for anything if i had the choice and i CAN'T because my emotions are too big for anyone to even understand. i know i'm just wallowing atp but i truly don't know what to do or how to fix this lol
#like i said i love my brother and my mom and none of what i said cancels that out but it's. hard living with them#because i hyperfocus on certain things and feel like i always have to keep the peace between EVERYONE because my dad loves#starting fights with my mom and my brother loves starting fights with my dad and it always feels like everyone hates each other#which i get but me and my brother are so much like my dad anger wise so it just gets so ugly sometimes. idk.#a lot of this can be attributed to hereditary mental illness and neuroses etc etc but#yeah idk. my brain always just goes back to the night my dad got blackout drunk and tried to drive to a friend's house#so my brother called the police on him and he ended up verbally abusing us for an hour afterwards and kicked us out#and the only place we had to go was my best friend's apartment where she lived with her shitty ex and a guy who like. stabbed a guy later o#was also over there and we got no sleep because we also had to bring our pets (we only had a dog and 1 cat at the time)#it was hell. and we called so many ppl and even visited my grandpa (dad's dad) who sucks just as much as he does#and all he told us was that 'if it's a problem god will work it out' and that i was 'too fat' to get a job. which i got not one but TWO job#within the next few years. and that's another source of inadequacy but at least i actually HAD a job for a little while anyways#i take no pride in being unemployed and living in my parent's house at (almost) 26. believe me#my mindset is just too fucking weak to do anything else. a stronger person would've worked past all this i feel like#but i can't because all i am is hopeful. not strong.#i certainly always hope it'll get better without ever putting in the amount of effort legitimate change would require lmao#i feel like it will never get better most of the time... i really do. but i'm still hoping against hope that i'll rise above it all at some#point. who knows it if ever will but i don't know if i have it in me to completely give up hope either. bc i don't have what it takes to#kill myself. probably. idk we'll see in about 10 years or less if i have the strength it takes to change or die. until then i'll just rot
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When Sophia rang this morning, she said she'd slept on the couch, still in yesterday's clothes, had knocked over the coffee and it had spilt everywhere and everything was wet and she couldn't even light her cigarette and
#normal people problems#also my work emails had a fit today and i clearly need to resign and i hate everything and#i could tell Sophia was in a bad mood when she rang at 5 minutes to 5pm and yet that's when i told her I'm leaving early next Monday#and that i have an exam on the 8th#she's like 'what exam?????' Jesus Christ Sophia i already mentioned it to you#it's just so hard to train the new girl#sure I'm being a baby about it all but it's just so hard and i hate it and Sophia rings every two seconds telling me to do something else#so I'm doing like several things at once and the new girl is obviously confused and i just#Jenette and Colleen did so much like not huge things just a whole lot of little things and i can barely keep up with everything#and then to show a new girl how to do things#like it takes double the amount of time to explain#aw man i didn't even put the petty cash money away#or send out the correspondence#everything's so much up to shit#i just#i feel so awful though because I'm definitely not doing enough and i know Sophia needs me to do more (invoices) but i just#I'm so dumb and everything is a mess and#i barely take lunch breaks like just eat kitkats and freddos and juice throughout the day that's it#also he barely talks to me in the office and i have to be around a married couple but at least i get to banter with Tony sometimes#Tony come on tell me about your girlfriend and we'll double date I've seen she's the man i know how double dates work#I'm violet as a boy and he is eunice and Tony is Channing Tatum and his girlfriend is Olivia and#i see nothing wrong with this
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Sex Ed Time
ok I'm gonna tell you about some things that might happen if you are transitioning m->f. this is not a comprehensive list just my own experience, be sure to do your own research I just really wanted to voice how this affects me because I think open discussion about this type of stuff is just more helpful for everyone rather than keeping it private
BOOBS HURT WHEN THEY GROW
your sex drive (libido) will probably go down a lot
facial hair is very hard to get rid of
my go-to gender affirming clothing is high-waisted jeans. I suggest going to a goodwill or some sort of cheap store that lets you try on clothes to figure out what you like
muscle mass will go down, fat will be redistributed
boobs do all sorts of crazy stuff when you run / exercise
overtime your skin will get softer, you also might smell nicer, and I've been told it can thin body hair but I don't really see it all that much 🤷
your brain chemistry can change when you reduce testosterone and increase estrogen, there are lots of factors that contribute toward any changes to your personality, but hormones can have an impact as well. for me this is a good thing because I struggle with allowing myself to feel emotions sometimes, no matter how hard I tried I was never really able to get myself to cry. I've gotten closer to being able to cry since I started transitioning though and that makes me very happy
this is a slow process that can take several years, ultimately you're going to be in your body for several years regardless, so if this is something you want it's definitely something you should try to pursue if possible. the time will pass anyways, and it does feel nice to work towards something that can make you happier.
also this is very important, you don't need to do any sort of hormone replacement therapy in order to be trans. not everybody can access HRT, and for those who can access it, not everybody wants to take on all the changes that come with treatments. you don't have to chemically or physically change your body in any way in order to deserve respect
all right that's all I have for right now feel free to add anything in the comments, I would especially like to hear from trans men what your experiences have been, I think openly talking about these types of things can really help some people
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