#but she is so miserable right now and it's bringing up a lot of memories of jayne

[marmotsomsierost]

The old lady is home, high as shit and Grumpy At Everything.

The puppies are Greatly Concerned.

She has to skip two days of The Good Shit (gabapentin and trazodone) because the doc wants to be sure her wobblies and resistance to standing up are from being High As Fuck and hospital stress, so if she isn't at least upright and semi-mobile by then they want to know about it. Once she is upright and on steady ground she's walking with minimal assist for short distances.

[woodlandwrites]

i. mind over matter

aphrodite!reader x luke castellan

pre-tlt, characters 18+, mdni, def going to be a pt.2

warnings: cursing, whole lotta impertinence!

2.7k read - unedited

You have been plagued by flocks of doves and Luke Castellan. So Aphrodite decides to meddle a little a lot in your love life. Who needs memories anyway? Unfortunately, the only person you find comfort in - is the very person you hate.

A/N: first fic in a loooong time - stick with me here. there will be more parts and maybeee some spice? anyways hope you enjoy!

You’d like to think that Aphrodite loved the game of making you miserable. In retrospect, you hated your mother. She was a hard act to follow. 

Don’t jump to conclusions - you loved your cabin. Your brothers and sisters were wonderful - not vain like most campers would say. No, that was not an issue. The problem started with one slender, curly haired, crooked smile boy - Luke Castellan. He was the golden boy of Camp Half-Blood and the bane of your existence. 

Luke was an astonishingly aggravating self-centered egotistical bigot. 

“Why do you hate him so much,” Silena asked one day out of the blue. You both sat in the stands watching Luke teach his swordsmanship class. You pondered her question for a while.

“Because. He confuses me - and aggravates me constantly. I have never met anyone so full of themselves in my entire life. He is Narcissus reborn again. It also does not help that he is a complete jerk,” you nodded as you ate another fresh strawberry. Silena pondered on your words.

“Are you sure this has nothing to do with mom and the whole..argument,” she said in a cautionary tone.

Silena was the only one who knew about you and Aphrodite’s - complicated past. To be fair - she didn’t know the entire truth. The prophecy, the impertinence, all the bullshit. However, she did know that your shoulders seemed to tense every time Aphrodite’s name was mentioned. 

“I mean every time I have talked to him at camp counselor meetings he seems like an alright guy.

Silena - forever the optimist. Sometimes when you looked at her through the corner of your eye she resembled your mother. She had this soft tone and locks of hair that seemed to always catch the wind just right. Yeah, no wonder Luke was nice to her. Selina was extremely beautiful - Beckendorf struck gold. 

“Yeah, I can see right through the façade-” you were cut off by a dove landing next to you. He started pecking at your strawberries mindlessly. Silena stifled a small giggle. 

“It is funny when it isn’t happening to you. The bastards have been following me around for days,” you said annoyed.

You tried scaring the bird away - only for more to return. After a couple minutes an estimated 20 doves flocked around you mimicking every move. 

“Go away!” you screamed - only for the feathered friends to cock their heads in curiosity. By now, the entire arena seemed to convert their attention to you. 

“Hey! I heard if they shit on your head it’ll bring good luck,” Luke echoed watching amused.

He leaned against his sword in a cocky manner. What an asshole - you hated when he did that. The other campers seemed to laugh along. 

“Up yours, Castellan,” you yelled with a face the color of cherries. 

The doves had now increased their army to a solid 50 - all looking to you for a further instruction. Doves had followed you around your entire life - a gift your mother had bestowed to you. The unfortunate part was that they were pretty much the most non obedient monsters on the entire planet. You never had truly understood why they would appear - most of the time it was a random occurrence. Of course - Luke was always there to revel in your misfortune. You still had not forgotten when the doves caused a complete riot last month at dinner - leaving quite a mess for you to clean up. The younger campers were still traumatized. 

That was the thing about doves - they were just like your mother. At first they are nice to look at, almost sweet. That is until they turn into vicious assailants from Tartarus (Silena says you overreact). They also annoy you - another common attribute with your mother. 

“For Gods sake just leave!,” you yelled again, stomping off, bidding Silena goodbye.

You did not want to continue being entertainment for the rest of the campers. The doves seemed to take the hint - maintaining their place in the stands. You were sure there were some week old snacks stuffed between the seats the rotted things could ravish on. Luke chuckled before turning his attention back to his students. 

The sun was setting and soon it would be dinner - but you still sat in bed thinking about what Silena had mentioned early about your mom. Maybe it was your nerves - but you knew a visit soon would be unavoidable. The doves only confirmed your suspicion. It was rare for gods to visit Camp Half-Blood, at least publically. The closest thing the camp had to godliness was Mr. D - what a joke. However, you knew your mother and her constant desire to meddle with your life. 

Dinner went without a hunch - except for the Stoll twins starting a food fight at the Hermes table. You loved quiet nights like these where the summer breeze feels like a warm hug. Silena nudged you - reading her expression you knew she was inquiring about the events from earlier. A shrug sufficed. You were so caught up in laughing with your siblings you failed to notice the yelling from the other side of the pavilion. 

“One of the Ares girls was flirting with Luke after you left today - Charlie and I could not help but laugh. It was so awkward,” Silena mentioned.

 There were a couple of murmured sounds and gawking from your siblings - which was the usual. If there was one thing they loved it was - well - love. However this subject rubbed you the wrong way - maybe it was just Luke’s name being mentioned.

It felt like a suffocating gut punch and it was most likely your mothers doing. If there was anything she loved more it was demigod love - the trials and tribulations - and of course the unfortunate ends. It quite literally made you sick. But why did Luke have to be roped in it and moreover - why did you care? You smiled and nodded - trying to pay attention and not let the thoughts take over. 

“Get these goddamn things off of me!,” a familiar voice yelled in annoyance.

So wrapped up in thought - you failed to care - assuming it was a practical Hephaestus joke with an Ares kid. Selina quickly nudged you pointing towards the Hermes table - for quite an interesting scene. Luke being attacked by a merciless army of doves. 

“Hey Castellan, let them shit on your head - heard it was good luck!,” the words reflected from just a few hours prior.

You couldn’t help but giggle - it was nice not being the receiver of dove aggravated assault (as Beckendorf had termed it). It was also nice not to be the joke for once - everyone laughing at someone else for a change was different. 

“Call the damn things off,” he struggled - yelling your name in the process.

“Why do you automatically assume I am the one who set them off? They just do what they want!” you retorted.

 Silena looked at you - questioning your motives. He struggled even more as the doves thrashed him around - seemling gaining confidence in their blows. They seemed - deadly - more than before. Silena muttered your name.

“You have to try,” Silena persuaded. Reluctantly you obeyed - knowing she was being more serious than she was putting on. 

“Stop!” you yelled sternly to the winged creatures.

Like usual - they did not obey. Unfortunately, they keep going - tearing Luke’s shirt in the process. He held himself quite well against dove assassins  - a fact you did not want to admit to yourself. 

“παύω!” You spoke - pleading that it would end.

It was all your mothers fault. She wanted you to be miserable. She wanted to ruin your night, humiliate you - and to hurt Luke. You weren’t sure why that last part bothered you so much.

 “Φεύγω!” you screamed once more in an earthshaking tone.

The doves dissipated automatically. Like literally - poof - into dust. Again - the entire camp had its eyes on you - what else was new?

“What is wrong with you,” Luke questioned - still astonished at the sheer power of your voice - that very voice that made doves disintegrate. You slowly looked up at his disheveled appearance - he looked worse.

Beautiful. 

You wish that voice in your head would go suck a dick!

“Shows over, enjoy your dessert,” you said bitterly to the crowd taking a bow.

Silena yelled your name but you had already darted towards the woods. You could hear the muttering of the crowd questioning the evening entertainment. You could not seem to care. 

You took a seat in the sand on the beach overlooking the shore. The moonlight seemed to make the water sparkle like diamonds. You felt almost calm here - no one to distract you from your thoughts. Why did his words strike you like a knife? He might as well plant backbiter into your back, it would hurt less. It all led to the proper question - why? Why would the doves attack him anyway? They had never done anything quite so ruthless before - nevertheless to another sole person. 

Then again - it was always about Luke - ever since you got to the infernal camp. He was probably celebrated for his brave victory in the battle of the doves - hoisted up by other campers. You suppose a feast in his honor was in order. 

“You think such unhappy thoughts,” an angelic voice sang from the sea. 

Your attention turned towards a bundle of sea foam. The foam began to sparkle and mangle to take the shape of a woman the closer it got to shore. Soon after your mother - Aphrodite stood before you - in all her glory.

“I thought seafoam was just whale jizz,” you spoke casually. You chucked at yourself that was a good one!

Of - fucking - course. Your mother was behind the entire dove fiasco - you called it. You should start placing bets at this point. 

“Most would be labeled impertinent with that attitude - especially with a God.” 

“I am impertinent.” You shrugged, pulling your knees to your chest. Maybe if you really ignored her she would disappear. 

“I will not disappear yet - we have much to discuss.” 

“Get out of my head.” 

“I heard what occurred tonight at dinner. Shame, doves are very gentle creatures.”

A dove magically appeared in her hands, letting out a soft coo. You cringed. If you saw another dove tonight - you might just roast it and eat it. 

“So that was you?” You asked venomously.

“Well thanks mom! Now the entire camp thinks I tried to kill the golden boy with a league of killer doves. They all think I am absolutely crazy.”

“I did nothing, my child.” You gawked at her - she paused to collect her thoughts.

“However, you might want to look within yourself before you spit accusations that are not true. I merely gave you a gift - how you use it is at your own expense.” She finished. 

“But I don’t control those horrid things - they just show up and do whatever. Why would I even attack Luke with a bunch of wimpy doves?”

That was your mother, having the audacity to say you caused the incident. That it was all your fault. 

“Love, perhaps?” Her eyes seemed to glitter at the thought. 

“No.” Ugh, not this again, you thought.

“Doves are a mere - personification of one’s inner love. That is why I gave you the gift - so your innermost feelings can never be bottled. That does horrid things to one’s complexion.” 

“Well thanks for the shitty gift, mother. Next time maybe a pair of socks will do the trick.” 

“Why do you insist on denying who you are? Denying what you are destined to become? Denying yourself the love of the century?”

“Why love someone if they eventually will die.” It was true. Your father had died when you were young - leaving you an orphan. Your demigod friends you made throughout the years died horrible unspeakable deaths.

“Isn’t that all the more fun?” 

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you? You just love to see me suffer?”

“You’re being rash.” She fired back.

“Rash? Where have you been?” You scoffed at your godly mother.

“Child, I do not write destiny - I only enforce it. I know you more than you would like to admit, sweet dove. And you - are in love with the child of Hermes.”

 Apollo could’ve shot you through the chest - it would have felt better. 

“Mother, you have it mixed up - I do not have any feelings for Luke. You’re just making things up because you are bored and need some excitement. Please go back to Olympus and meddle with someone else’s life,” you stated. You staggered to your feet dusting the sand off. 

Before you could walk away a bolt of pure energy hit you in your spine. You flew to your feet hitting the ground with a hard thud. In a blur your mother was standing proud above your feet - surrounded in a pink aura. 

“Luke Castellan, he will keep you safe - and you will keep him steady.” 

You might have thought to curse at her - but you couldn’t speak - let alone move. She had disappeared from vision leaving only a dove in her wake. The pain - was excruciating - like being electrocuted a million times. Your ears rang terrible tunes as you tried to level yourself - only to fall back down. The world was spinning at an unmeasurable pace. You could hear shrill screaming - or was it yours? You weren’t even sure who you were? Only images of dark curls, broad shoulders, and crooked smiles flashed through your vision. 

A quake of footsteps running towards the shore were felt as you thrashed in the sand. Voices - yelling a name - whose name? You couldn’t recall. All you knew was darkness. 

“Y/N?!” a feminine voice called. You could feel her hands shake your shoulder violently - it felt like knives.

You heard screams - this time knowing it was your shrill cry. You pushed her away with force. You backed away, crawling backwards in desperation. 

Once your vision returned you focused to see a swarm of kids all in orange shirts - staring at you in shock. The girl who touched you - you could only assume was kneeling in the sand in front of you. She seemed to be pleading.

“Stay away, please,” you pleaded with tears streaming from your eyes. You weren’t sure what had happened but you knew you had never felt pain so deeply. 

“Y/N, please you were screaming. We only want to make sure you are okay. We can go to the infirmary and figure it out,” the girl reached out only for you to retreat more. You hyperventilate on your own words. 

“What’s going on?” another voice asked with urgency from beyond the crowd.

Every child seemed to turn their attention to focus on the male figure. Pushing his way through the crowd - he became shocked at the scene before him.

However, you felt as if all the oxygen had left your body - leaving you limp. You felt as if a hand had grabbed your heart and ripped it in two. He was the one - the one you had seen in your visions. 

“Y/N?” he questioned - half concerned, half annoyed. His chocolate eyes seemed to lock ever so easily with yours. He was indeed the most beautiful man you had ever seen - like a carving of marble. Your soul ached. Without a thought - on instinct alone - you ran. He was engulfed in a desperate hug - his shoulder muffled your pitiful cries. 

“Please, you’re the only one who can help.” You could feel the eyes on the two of you - the gasps were hard to ignore. He went stiff in his posture - not sure how to react. Silence fell over the entire shore, only the crashing of waves in the background. 

“Y/N what is going on? Is this some sort of prank?” he asked in disbelief. 

He had never seen you like this - so scared. Some small part of him wanted to scoop you up, hold you tight, and tell you everything would be okay. He wanted to tell you how he would fix all your problems - just so he would never see you cry again. Although these feelings were so suppressed he restrained.

Gods you were beautiful. 

“I- I don’t know who Y/N is. I don’t know anyone. I don’t know me.” 

[thebowieconstricker]

Hello! I saw you wanted requests for Lucifer, and I would love any sort of angst where Lucifer ends up comforting the reader, like maybe something happened to the reader, or the reader is just really stressed and just breaks down

Ease My Mind

(Lucifer Morningstar x reader)

masterlist link

AN: To this request: yes yes yes yes YES I just KNOW that he gives the best hugs and is so ready to comfort the people he loves. For this fic, I decided the angst is a little of everything, job struggles, moral dilemmas, and some self-doubt, so I hope I delivered. This isn’t proofread so please alert me to any errors! Thank you for your request! <333

Summary: You have a bad day at work and it triggers a breakdown. Luckily, your big bad boyfriend is here to help.

Tags: Gender neutral reader, could be read as platonic if you reeeeally squint but it’s implied romantic, heavy on the angst, a dash of fluff, Lucifer is trying his best, you guys are precious.

Warnings: Reader is afraid they’re being used by the people around them and they have lots of thoughts about being useless and others not liking them.

Also, the title is inspired by the song “Ease My Mind” by Ben Platt, go listen to it! Enjoy ya heathens!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’ve been used by others for your entire life.

And now you were stuck in that same cycle in death.

As a young, naive, alive-person, you were desperate for some one to love you. Growing up in an environment where compassion was scare, you decided that the only way to get people to notice you was by offering to help them in some way. A favor, a ride, somewhere to crash, and, for one specific person, a place to hide the bodies. In life, you had gotten so deep into your desire to please others that you had latched onto the first person to give you the time of day. Unfortunately for you, that individual happened to have a thing for serial killing.

Looking back on it now as you miserably walked back to the hotel, tears threatening to fall down your face, you couldn’t think about anything other than how stupid and useless you were. It was your fault that they were found out, your fault that the innocents were dead in the first place, your fault you were stuck in hell and that fucker was still out there.

How much time had passed on Earth? How many more had they killed?

On most days, you could compartmentalize, putting the bad thoughts in a little box and shoving it in the back of your brain, but work had broken you today. You worked for the Vees, specifically Velvette, and it was no secret how they overworked and abused their staff. You were stuck picking up Velvette’s leftover energy drinks for as long as she had control of your soul.

And yet. You thought maybe someday, someday you might make a connection. You might impress her, or surprise her, or something, and maybe she would give you a break.

But no. Today you had been an hour late for the first time and Velvette had screeched at you, calling out all of your flaws and insecurities and bringing all of the horrible memories that you had oh-so-carefully stowed away to light. But you held back tears and did your fucking job, the emotions boiling all day and the hectic office space doing nothing to calm it.

You had needed this cry for a long time, and now there was no stopping it.

Walking along the brimstone pathways, you finally made your way to the rickety Hazbin Hotel. Its incomprehensible height only worsened your now growing headache as you walked up to the doors, grabbing the handles and swinging the heavy iron frame and red-stained glass open.

You immediately started towards your room, but you were blocked by the obnoxiously cheery Princess of Hell herself, Charlie.

Charlie’s not obnoxious, you’re so vile for thinking that.

Shit, the thoughts were getting worse and you could not do this right now.

Charlie, oblivious to your mood, smiled brightly. “There you are! How was work? I’ve got someone here who’s been waiting-“

You shoved past her, bumping her harshly.

“Not in the mood.”

Charlie frowned in confusion behind you.

“But, wait, hey-“ You ignored her pleas and- ah shit, now Angel’s in front of you.

“Hey, babe, you might wanna hang around for a sec-“

You shut your eyes tightly and moved your hands towards his chest, your fight or flight kicking in as you pushed him.

“ANGEL, leave me alone.”

Why would you yell at Angel like that? He’s just being nice.

Shut up shut up SHUT UP

Everything was only getting worse. You bolted to the grand staircase and raced up the steps. As you sped down the seemingly infinite hallways, the tears you had been fighting back for the last millennia finally fell. With a choked sob, you finally spotted your bedroom and lurched for the doorknob, swinging the door open and slamming it behind you as you bursted into your room. You ran to your bed and grabbed a pillow, hugging it tightly as you loudly cried.

Charlie only keeps you here because she needs the guests, you know. She hates you. They all hate you. They wish you weren’t here. You’re just lying there, crying, why would they want you?

The hateful thoughts were all you could hear in your mind. As you pulled your knees to your arms holding your pillow, you wanted nothing more than to disappear. To just pop out of existence and finally be free of the burden of yourself.

Then, suddenly, three knocks at the door.

“GO AWAY.” You screamed, throat on fire from your sobbing.

A voice came from outside. A smooth, relaxed, kind male voice.

“It’s me, hon.”

You froze, terrified. Quickly you climbed to the floor on the left side of your bed, blocking your body from the view of the door. You took several deep breaths, trying to steady your nerves.

“Come in.” You said shakily.

You heard the door creek open, then footsteps.

“Where ya hiding these days?” He awkwardly chuckled, clearly trying to lighten up the mood you were in.

“Just- stay over there.” You were still holding your pillow, and you gave it an extra squeeze.

“I’m a mess right now.” You sniffled.

He paused, like he was thinking. “Well, if that’s what you want, but I hope you know by now that I’m always happy to see you. Even when you’re a mess.”

You felt the bed shift. He was sitting on the opposite side.

Like a child looking for a secret, you turned around to look at the back of his head. His hat was gone, probably left downstairs, and all you saw was his sweep of blond hair.

He made a ‘hm’ sound. “Bad day?”

You nodded. Then, realizing he couldn’t see you. “Y-yeah.”

You watched him nod. “I’m sorry about that.” He fiddled with his cane, his hands tightening and loosening around it. “Would you… like to talk about it?”

You paused.

Lucifer had been a confidant of yours since you first arrived in Hell. He was the one to tell you what was going on right after you died, calming you down and offering you a place to stay. Sure, you didn’t know that he was literally the Devil, but everything about him made you feel at peace. Like you could deal with the hand you were dealt.

Secretly, though, you were waiting.

Waiting for the moment when he would reveal that he only kept you around because he needed you to do something for him.

No one was that kind, or caring, or wonderful.

He wants something from you. Why else would he keep coming back?

You had yet to answer his question. Lucifer sighed.

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, okay?”

The voices were still wringing in your head, you were still crying, and you felt pathetic.

“I- I don’t- fuck, would you please stop acting like you care?” You knew your words were harsh but they were begging to be said.

His posture straightened in surprise.

“I do care! What makes you think I don’t care?” He sounded hurt.

Nice going, you hurt his feelings.

You bent forward, hands covering your face in frustration. A fresh wave of tears rises through your body and you loudly cried out, too scared and angry and sad to hide it anymore.

“Woah, woah, hey, it’s okay, hon.” Lucifer’s voice was nearing your form on the ground, and he was quickly at your side. You could feel his presence beside you.

He sighed in exhaustion. “Listen, I’m not- I’m not the greatest at this, but I’m gonna ask so I don’t upset you. Do you want a hug? Or a hand on your shoulder-“

Your arms were wrapped around him before he could finish his question, clinging to his waist and biting your face in his neck.

“WOAH there- well hey, sweetheart, there you are.” You could hear him smiling as he gently brought his hand to rub your back.

“I’m sorry. I- I’ve just had a shitty day at work and I’m worried about a lot of things and- I don’t want to take it out on you.” You were shaking, but he held you steadily.

“What kinda things are worrying you?” He asked.

And so you told him. In the comfort of his embrace you were able to somewhat coherently explain all the things that had been freaking you out. Velvette’s torture at work, your own moral dilemmas about your life on Earth, and you were just getting into your feelings about others using you when you felt Lucifer’s breath hitch.

He leaned away from you to look you in the eyes and gently put a finger to your chin.

“Honey, I want you to know that I know for a fact that the people here really care about you. Not because you’re an extra pair of hands, but because you’re you. You’re wonderful to be around. People like you.”

He looked at you with a warm smile and leaned towards you, giving you a small kiss on the forehead.

“I like you. I care about you because you’re worth caring about.”

You stared at him in awe, your mind finally at ease after such a chaotic day. Smiling, you leaned back into him to rest your head on his chest.

“Thank you, Luci.” You reached out and took one of his hands, holding it tightly in an effort to show him how grateful you truly were for his words of assurance.

He tightened his fingers around yours and grinned down at you.

“Always, love. Now, let’s get you on the bed, okay?”

You nodded and he gracefully picked you up, gently placing you on the bed. With a snap, you were in comfortable clothing with a warm blanket around you and plenty of soft pillows.

“You want me to hang out for a bit?” He looked at you through half-lidded eyes, clearly sleepy.

“If you don’t have anything else going on…” You offered, already half dozing off.

“Even if I did, I would love nothing more.” With an affectionate grin he curled up beside you, and you immediately went to lay your head back on his chest. As you drifted away, listening to the King of Hell’s heartbeat, you took a deep breath.

He was right. Things were gonna be okay.

You had friends.

You were loved.

[traumatizedartist]

*AHEM*

My murder drones au headcannons (the one with actual digital art)

These 👇

Anyways yknow the drill at this point, look under the cut for the headcannons

TW FOR SUICIDE ATTEMPT IN THE HEADCANNONS (I'll have it be in red so you can skip past it if it makes you uncomfortable)

Uzi- Autistic, clearly

She has daddy issues but not nearly as bad as in canon(Khan doesn't leave her for dead in this au she "sacrifices herself") she's still super emo. She has a more scene style. Her, Lizzy and Doll are actually kinda close, they become even closer(become friends) after the series ends, cuz, yknow, Uzi saved the world? Anyways, she's dating N, and she doesn't care that he killed her mom(I mean she does but it only affected them for like, a year, so I guess a long time, they actually broke up cuz of it but they were both fuckin miserable and Nori slapped some sence into her cuz she saw how N looked before killing her and he looked so guilty ((wow the run on sentence go crazy))) So yeah they're the dictionary definition of a great not toxic couple

N- very sweet, very loving good boy. He has PTSD, obviously. It's like, really bad tho. Nightmares every night level bad, and that's how him and this aus Khan bond. They trauma bond, yay!! He's very in touch with his emotions, and he's a bit of a push over. He's a very big people pleaser and has a lot of trouble placing boundaries. Uzi helps him with that when they start dating, so that he doesn't get hurt all the time

V- once you crack her shell, she's a very shy and sweet person, not like her personality back at the manor, but like a mix of her current canon personality and manor. C PTSD, she remembered more than N about the manor before Uzi unlocked those memories. She also has nightmares a lot but Lizzy and Doll help her with them. Nothing cuddles and wholesome movies can't fix. At least for a little bit.

J- bless this girls lonely heart. She's still greiving Tessa(she's alive in Uzis mind just no one knows yet) she ends up breaking down after her and N get into a mother fight after he tries to be there for her for the like, 10000th time. When she comes back to the bunker with N, everyone, understandably, is very suspicious of her. But when she does get there, for the first few months, she's just a husk of her old self. Shes quite and agrees to do anything because she just doesn't care anymore, the moment she starts to truly feel at home is, ironically, during her rock bottom

TW FOR SUICIDE ATTEMPT

V is the one that finds her, she had gotten worried when she noticed all the uneaten oil in front of Js room. When she comes in she sees J with her rifle to her head.

TW OVER

V tackles her and starts interrogating her, asking why and is very worried. J, seeing this, just breaks, she begins to bawl her eyes out, crying about how much she misses Tessa, how she was the love of her life and can't live without her, how she wants to be with her, how she can't take it anymore. V and J spend the next 3 to 4 hours crying together. V had texted N telling him what happened and to get his ass over there now. So, of course he does,when he gets there he sees them hugging and J crying and he joins them, bringing the oil so when Js done crying she can eat. She had been starving herself toAnd this is when J truly sees how much people care about her, which, in turn, makes her cry even harder. When she's done crying N feeds her the oil and they cuddle together for a while. She's a lot better now but she's in for a very big surprise

Cyn- that's right baby! Cyns alive! Because I felt so SO bad for her that I had to have her live in my au. She still talks the same, but she's very sweet and innocent, her and Uzi have an older/younger sister relationship. Her and N reunite in the cutest way, they're both crying and hugging super tight. V and J are tearing up as well. I have more headcannons about her on my drawing of her lol so wait for that lol

Tessa- I don't have a lot of headcannons for Tessa, so just go to the hashtag Died and got over it and take pretty much all the headcannons of Tessa from there and that's how it is here pretty much lol(I'll find the @ I promise)

Thad- he's a straight ally and single(looking at you @rory-multifandom-mess) he's Lizzy's younger twin brother and his personality is pretty much the same. He's friends with the wrong people. He's a very big sweetheart. He's a Femininominon. A green flag icon. The best football player on his team(he isn't a dick about it tho) I don't have anything else for him but I do have a drawing for him so you'll have to wait on that as well lol. Srry

Lizzy- Thads older twin. She's dating V and Doll(you can't stop me) she became friends with Uzi after the show ended. She's a Y2K girlie. She is also very sweet when you tear down the asshole popular girl walls. She's quite traumatized from the show and sometimes has nightmares about it. She doesn't tell anyone but people found out(*cough cough* V and Doll *cough cough*)

Doll- she's dating V and Lizzy, she was never revengeful of V, as her dad survived the attack(so did her mom but literally no one knows that yet) she's still very blunt and has a flat affect, she also doesn't show her emotions a lot, but from the unfinished comic I already posted, when V and Lizzy get back to the bunker after the canon ends she breaks down. She thought they were dead. Uzi and her are cousins(not really but their dads are best friends so they view each other as cousins) I don't even have a last name for her yet so you'll have to wait(again) for the drawing to see more headcannons of her)

Khan- WOOO WE'VE HIT THE JACKPOT BABY! Autistic. He's half DD in my au(and he has the solver with the back hand things that we see nori having at the beginning of episode 7 I think, either 7 or 6 idk) idk how hes part DD yet, my thoughts are either forbidden love or cabin fever failed experiment. I'll probably make a poll of that, see which ones you all like the most. He's very insecure about his body, he used to get bullied back in high school because, no matter which choice I make, he gets to experience high school(with the cabin fever experiment he went missing for like, a year, and then escaped, he tried to get nori and yeva but they told him to go or he'd get killed, so he left, he still has a lot of pent up guilt from that) he's also a trans man(YIPPIE) but he's also curvy, hence the insecurity. He's a good dad and actually helped with the fight with the AS(he fought j as a distraction and effectively got his ass beat((Lizzy laughed at him, he also laughed, he's a dumbass))) so he had to recover from that, also, in my au, him, the teacher(I'm naming him Lewis) and nori are dating, so when Lewis is hanging for his fucking life Khan flies down and saves him lol. Also, he does get to reunite with nori, as everything that happened to her in the show happens in my au, but them reuniting happens differently, through Uzi(yay)

Guh, I've ran out of ideas so when I get more(and the motivation to write more) I'll reblog this post with more headcannons, hope y'all like this lol

[thorias]

So I've been thinking about how the "Saving Gambit" story is going to play out in season 2. Not much else to do right now but speculate since it doesn't look like we'll be getting any new information for a while; hell, at this rate, they probably won't even let AJ acknowledge that mid-credit scene in the finale until we've at least got a trailer to sink our teeth into.

Anyway... ideally, I'd like there to be more to it than just Rogue telling Deathbit that she loves him and then he's back to normal like magic. That's okay for Rogue, I guess, but Remy needs an arc too. And it would feel anticlimactic if it's that easy, especially after we got so gipped with the lack of Romy content in season 1.

I'd like them to build a real story around this, with the X-men trying a bunch of different ways to get through to Remy, but none of them work. I want to see Rogue try to drain the evil out of him like she did with Archangel in XTAS, only for her touch to have no effect because Apocalypse has accounted for that this time. I want to see Jean try to shut down the Deathbit persona telepathically, only for it to force her out of his mind.

I want to see them try everything they can think of to bring Remy back and fail every time until it all seems hopeless... and then hope arrives from an unexpected place.

We're getting into fanfic territory here, but we don't have much to go on for the time being, so screw it. Here's how I'd write the thing...

Archangel shows up to help the X-men with Apocalypse/Deathbit, giving them some new insight to go on. He explains how Apocalypse turns mutants into Horsemen; what it feels like and whatnot. Maybe it's a psychological thing where Apocalypse burrows his way into a person's subconscious and plants a seed that grows into something dark and twisted, which warps how that person thinks and perceives the rest of the world.

I see Archangel describing it as Apocalypse sifting through every memory and experience a mutant has ever had, looking for their absolute lowest, most vulnerable moment, when they feel utterly alone, hopeless and are most in need... and in that moment, Apocalypse appears to them (in their subconscious) like a savior and offers them a hand.

Them taking his hand symbolizes them surrendering to his influence and allows him to set up shop in their head, so the Horseman persona can take over. So if the X-men want to save Remy, they're going to have to deprogram him by getting inside his mind and finding that moment, so they can stop him from accepting Apocalypse's offer.

So maybe the X-men have to fight Deathbit to immobilize him. This gives Xavier an opening where he'd use Cerebro to boost his telepathy enough to get through Apocalypse's mental defenses, so he can take Rogue, go inside Deathbit's mind and start poking around in Remy's memories.

This is where Remy's arc can come in because they can do a lot of cool character stuff here. They start by looking at his childhood. Maybe they see him as a little kid in an orphanage (pre-thieves guild) with the nuns who run the place calling him "le diable blanc" and trying to beat the devil out of him. Then, after the beating, Apocalypse appears to child Remy and offers his hand... but Remy turns away.

They see teenage Remy having just run away from Belladonna and the thieves guild, having to leave his home, his first love and the only family he ever had. He's alone, miserable, heartbroken... again Apocalypse appears and offers his hand... and again Remy turns away.

They see Remy in Paris with Genevieve Darceneaux and her winding up dead simply because Remy Lebeau entered her life. As he stands over her grave, feeling guilt-stricken and heartsick, once more Apocalypse appears, offering him salvation, to free him from his self-loathing... and once more Remy turns away.

You know where I'm going with this, right?

Finally, they end up at the Genoshan gala on the night of the attack. A heartbroken Remy watches Rogue dance with Magneto, but can't stomach it and walks out. He sits alone outside, feeling utterly desolate, wondering if everything he thought him and Rogue had meant to each other was all for nothing.

One final time, Apocalypse reaches out... extends his hand... and in his despair... Remy takes it. That's the moment they have to stop.

The rest pretty much writes itself. Rogue jumps in between Remy and Apocalypse. Maybe there's a psychic battle with Xavier keeping Apocalypse at bay while Rogue tries to get through to Remy, finally telling him what really happened, that she'd actually rejected Magneto, realizing that Remy was right about what they have being "deeper than skin," but his self-loathing rears its' ugly head and he refuses to listen to her.

So finally, Rogue does what fans have been waiting for for 6 seasons, across 2 different cartoon series and 3 freaking decades: She finally tells him that she loves him... and she kisses him (they're on the psychic plane, so they don't have to worry about her powers hurting him here).

Maybe Rogue has gotten through to Remy and maybe she hasn't. His reaction is ambiguous, he still seems confused...

Xavier can't hold Apocalypse back anymore. Apocalypse confronts Remy and offers his hand again. It looks like Remy is reaching out to take it... but instead, he hands Apocalypse the Queen of Hearts card, which explodes in his face.

Apocalypse's hold over Remy is broken, the Deathbit persona is gone.

If they wrote something like that, I'd be pretty happy. But given how season 1 turned out, I'll probably have to lower my expectations.

[wickjump]

I’m giving you a free card to rant about any character if you want to

I just like listening to people rant about characters or things they enjoy tbh, I find it interesting what they have to say

ok.. not a character but a ship because right now i have really bad brainrot for crepic, ive already done an essay long ramble about cross, and my essay long ramble about epic is in the works, so let’s go!!!!!!!!!

okay i genuinely really love them. more than most ships. hell i love their dynamic regardless of what it is—romantic, platonic, whatever. they’re something i genuinely care about a lot!!!!! they mean da world 2 me… do not be mean to them around me!!

(this is going off of cross’ canon and not epic’s, since they don’t overlap! epic is canon to cross, cross is not canon to epic. kind of an ink and dream situation)

i love the fact they’re so close. they’re besties. best buds. best friends. besties. a lot of characters have the ‘dating close’ but not ‘friends close’ aspect in their ships/dynamics (ie cream) but not crepic! they have both!!! they’re not friends to lovers they’re best friends and lovers. and it’s unique to them in a way, you can’t name two characters who are canonically best buds like they are. and it’s GREAT. they play video games and eat cookies and make no homo jokes three years into their relationship. and i really love that for them. the idea of a romantic relationship following this just feels that much more natural compared to other characters. oh god im tired soryr anyway

i also love the angst. ive been thinking about this for ages. cross doesn’t remember epic. epic remembers cross. it hurts especially if you like to think they were also dating prior to this. imagine waiting years to see your lover again only for them to just.. not remember you. at all. and obviously you don’t tell them you were dating because then there would be that weird “so should i date you again? is that what im supposed to do now?” pressure that you don’t want, you’ll bring it up later on when you’re more comfortable with each other again, but lo and behold he likes you again and you can’t help but tear up even though you’re not a genuinely emotive person because it’s so similar to how it was the first time and you missed this.

epic has reflexes. sometimes he itches to give cross a quick peck on the cheek because he’s used to that but they’re not dating obviously so he can’t. when they start dating again though he absolutely capitalizes on it. sometimes he wants to call cross a generally romantic nickname but doesn’t. bruh is fine anyway. he used it all the time back then too. no need for other names anymore.

sometimes cross acts like he used to and epic feels a pang of sadness and nostalgia. there’s something so sad about memory loss. it’s like you lost a lover but they’re still there. they just don’t remember you. you’re stuck alone with the memories that you both once shared. and it’s kind of miserable. they’re so “sometimes i wonder if she sees me through your eyes. what would she think of me now?” “well. i think you’re pretty great.” pls understand

i like to headcanon that cross didn’t age as much as epic either due to the nature of his au and xgaster and the overwrites. so cross looks exactly the same as the day epic lost him (httyd,,,, save me) and beh they’re cute. so cutie actually. cutie pies!!!!

they r so affectionate physically cause i said so. they cuddle on the couch and play video games but if anyone asks epic says no homo and cross nods even though his face is literally buried in epic’s neck. yeah uh huh. so straight of you guys. yep. cross gets embarrassed in public about it becasue that’s literally canon he’s so stupid I hate him so much I hope he dies /affectionate. in private though cross is all over that shit. daddy issues amiright

they’re so stupid too. people don’t know if they’re dating or friends because they’re just like that. cross, normally the most uptight pissy prick out there, seems to only unwind when epic’s around and he drags cross to do something fun or stupid (often both). cross just seems happiest. and epic, normally full of “yeah lmao i am so unbothered and chill and not harboring dark secrets and withering sanity as well as living off of 0 sleep total”, seems the most relaxed around cross. i like that.

also their dads hate each other and it’s hilarious. they also probably hate each others dads too given how they each abused them like what!!! stop abusing ur kids guys…! but xgaster and epic!gaster would be in-laws and that’s super funny to me. imagine hearing that. the son of the guy you hate most married your son (who you also beat as a kid). wtf

i love the idea that epic, after ages, opened up to past cross about his issues and now all that is gone. the comfort and understanding is gone. and epic misses it but he doesn’t know if he can open up like that again. god

they’re so bittersweet. but they’re also soulmates 2 me. cross found epic again in another life,, how great is that. memory loss cannot keep them apart!!!!! they are so close. in a do not separate box. they’re like color and killer or error and ink to me. in a little ‘these guys MUST be kept together’ kennel. bonded pairs.

hfhrhfjhhh. they love each other a lot but they’re really unserious about it. everyone is done with how obnoxious they get when they’re with each other. epic puts up with cross’ temper tantrums (love you but you got issues cross) and cross is the only one that seems to find the rubber chicken jokes funny a millionth time in a row even though by now they’re to everyone’s chagrin.

they’re so cool. and lovely. i think they should be boyfriends forever and ever and never die so they can always be in love. they mean a lot to me they’re like if me and my childhood bestie worked out

I LOVE CREPIC!!!! Thank u for the ask i used this as an excuse to rant about them. needed to get this out of my system. this isn’t even all I could talk about in terms of them it’s just. so long already

OK BAIII!!!

[papercorgiworld]

As the world caves in

To keep you safe Mattheo has to make a hard breaking decision. Everyone is suffering in this story and at the end you can chose for maximum pain or a happy ending, where love conquers all.

Mattheo x reader – Enzo x Ella (cameo) – Tom x Lyn (cameo)

Credit to this request about the song “As the world caves in” and this anon who sent in “Less and less”. I managed to squeeze in Mattheo, Tom and Enzo, but no Theo.

For maximum angst listen to Matt Maltese songs. Look, I blame these songs for what I wrote, I'm normally not that much of an angst person. I seriously had a tear roll down my cheek at some point. I added a lot of picture to make sure you know exactly how broken everyone is in this story. I would like to say happy readings, but it's more like sad readings this time, but there's also some fluff, so yeah, I hope you like it.

Important note: in this story only the caster of the memory charm, obliviate, can undo it. Also the lore concerning this charm and the one to implant false memories is confusing so don’t break your brain over it. 

I. We’ll be fine

You carefully close the door behind you and the painting winks at you, reassuring you that your secret is safe. Quietly you check around the corner to make sure none of the disciplinary guards are around. Your heart pounds as you watch every shadow move afraid of getting caught. You see madam Pomfrey secretly signal you to stay put and you press your back against the stone cold walls of Hogwarts as Snape and his minions leave. You listen to the steps fading away and then look around to see if they’re really gone, before crossing the hall. Madam Pomfrey quickly closes the door behind you. “Did you manage to get the ingredients?” She asks with an urgent but hushed voice and you nod, handing her a bag filled with all things necessary for potions that ease pain. You’re scanning the hospital beds. There are  innocent first years that suffered the Cruciatus curse as part of education. There are rebellious students with painful injuries. There are crying students covered in blood, simply because they were punished for being late to dinner. You’re shocked when suddenly Pomfrey wraps her arms around you and embraces you. “Thank you.” It takes a moment for you to adjust to the hug, but quickly enough you enjoy her warmth. It’s only then that you realise that you probably both needed it more than you knew. When she pulls away she looks at you with a brave face. “Thank you so much.” You smile, happy you helped. “Now hurry, go to your dorm and be careful.” You nod. “Be safe.” She whispers again and you smile before quietly closing the door.

Hogwarts looked so miserable now that the death eaters were in charge. You couldn’t help but feel haunted by the suffocating fear that spread through the castle. Even though you had done this many times before, you were still terrified of getting caught. Quietly and crouched down you move from statue to wall to staircase. Unfortunately, a foul smirking death eater caught your sneaking figure. “What have we here?” Instantly you feel your body being levitated as he comes into view. “Two hours late. You know what that means right.” Your heart races and your body tenses. “Cruciatus curse. Four times.” You struggle to escape the spell keeping you in the air, but to no avail and you watch him raise his wand. “Leave her.” You feel tears well up as you recognise Mattheo’s voice. “I asked her to meet me.” Mattheo says with a cold stern voice, not looking at you. You fall down hard, but Mattheo still keeps his gaze away from you. You look down at the cold tiles and again listen to the footsteps move away. Only when Mattheo is sure no one is watching he looks at you and you look at him. Slowly he walks over to you, kneeling by your side and wrapping his arm around you to help you get up. “I’m okay, Matt.” You whisper, but he’s far from convinced. 

In silence he brings you to his room, near the slytherin common room. You still needed to get used to it, Mattheo having his own private room, separate from all other students. The room was cold and dimly lit. Mattheo struggled to make the new place his own and for some reason the room ended up reflecting his emotional suffering. Once you’re seated on one of the couches he kneels in front of you studying your face as he tucks a few strands of hair away. “Really Matt, I’m fine. You were just in time to save me.” You try to reassure him with a sweet smile, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He can see you’re exhausted from the stress, worries and secrecy. “I want you to stop helping them.” Mattheo whispers, eyes focused on yours. A slow breath leaves you as you empathise with him. You were worried about him all the time and you understood that every time you took a risk he probably suffered until he was sure you were safe. “Matt…” You start, but the tone of your voice already hints at a negative answer making Mattheo turn away from you. “I can’t take it anymore. It’s too dangerous. There are death eaters that are suspecting things and- I can’t- you can’t get hurt.” Your boyfriend looks back to you, but instead of meeting his eyes your frowning gaze is focused on a bruise near his jaw and neck. Your hands reach, but Mattheo immediately grabs your hand softly squeezing it and he looks so vulnerable in that moment.

Your heart ached as you realised that Mattheo probably suffered another ridiculous punishment from his father. “Let me heal you.” You whisper, when Mattheo allows your fingers to brush his injury. He rests his hand on yours. “No, it needs to stay for a few days. He wants it to be a reminder.” Your heart breaks at the pain in his voice. The abuse he suffered seemed to be worse than a simple Cruciatus curse and Mattheo knew you were feeling his pain by the way lips parted and your eyes shone with horror. He pushed himself up, joining you on the couch and leaning in to rest his head against yours. “We’ll be fine.” He whispers and you smile. “I know. No one can break us.” His parted lips search for yours and you meet in a tender kiss. His hand finds your cheek as the kiss becomes more passionate. 

II. Tonight we are brave

Enzo unfolded a little snake folded paper that had made its way to his dorm. Ella watches him and feels her heartbeat quicken, but when Enzo’s eyes meet hers, her heart skips a beat. Tonight? “Mattheo wants us to leave tonight.” Enzo affirms her suspicion and Ella nods with a clenched jaw and brave eyes. When Enzo gets up to start gathering their stuff, so does she, but when he notices her unsteady figure he walks over to her. Ella’s eyes stare deep into her boyfriend’s eyes and he smiles at her, recognizing her fear and bravery despite it, kissing her forehead as a silent way of telling her that all will be alright. “Enzo, I’m terrified of what Voldomort will do if he finds us.” He stares at her, seeing the fear not just in her eyes, but in her whole body. 

It was heartbreaking, but they had no choice. Sooner or later Voldemort would find out about what the lot of them had done. How they had helped students escape. How they had informed Harry Potter and his friends about everything going on at the death eater table. How they had countless muggle borns in hiding all over the country. All they had been waiting for these past few days was Mattheo’s call so they could take you with them. You were too involved, you had to go into hiding.

“We have to be brave, sweetie. So we can stay together. So everyone has a fighting chance.” Enzo says with a determined voice. Ella wraps her arms around Enzo’s neck and slowly his hands move to her back, holding her close and squeezing her tight as a reminder that he wouldn’t let her go.

III. goodbye my love

Was it horrible or wonderful that the last moments you spent together were unknowing and in intimate love? Mattheo lay next to your sleeping figure, his fingers featherlight as they brush your soft skin. You are so beautiful. So perfect and pure. I hope you can forgive me, because if I live I need you to forgive me. I need you to understand that what I do, everything I do, is because I love you and I want to be loved by you. Mattheo closes his eyes as he breaks his own heart and goes through with his own plan, reaching for his wand. He casts a spell to make sure you continue sleeping for a few more hours. With a clenched jaw he watches you and swallows, not allowing tears to well up and gritting his teeth as he casts another spell. Obliviate.

Sitting at the edge of the bed Mattheo tries to take a mental picture of you, not knowing how long you will be away, not knowing if you’ll ever see one another again. A knock at the door makes his dead eyes look up, before unlocking the door with one flick of his wrist. Ella gives Mattheo a sympathetic smile as she enters the room. “Enzo’s preparing the carriage.” There’s a silence and Ella can’t help but feel like there’s no air in the room. Without saying anything Mattheo lifts you from the bed to bring his sleeping loved one to a carriage that will take her away, somewhere she can’t be found.

Ella crawls next to you in the carriage, wrapping a blanket around the both of you. Enzo sighs and walks over to Mattheo who forces his eyes away from you for the first time since this evening. “I know it’s risky, but you can still come. It’s worth the fight.” Mattheo's dead eyes meet Enzo’s and there’s a silence. “I’m not risking her life just to spend a few more days with her while being hunted down.” Enzo opens his mouth, but Mattheo shakes his head and stops him. “No, don’t. I can’t be selfish with her. Go.” Enzo swallows and gives his friend a curt nod. “She’ll be safe.” 

It strikes midnight and Mattheo watches the carriage in the distance until it turns invisible. He doesn’t want to feel the pain and holds his breath as he dissociates from the moment, hiding somewhere in his own mind. 

You’re safe and you’ll live and that’s all that matters. 

You’re strong and you’ll find happiness and that is all that matters.

IV. No light in this life

Like an empty vessel Mattheo moves through the hallways in the direction of his room. That last spark of magic in the castle had disappeared with you. When Mattheo nears the last staircase he spots the frame of his brother at the top of the stairs. “You send her away.” Tom’s voice is monotone as he watches his younger sibling look up at him. In silence and with his head down Mattheo moves up the staircase, his brother’s gaze locked on him. When he arrives at the top, he still doesn’t look at Tom, but he does nod. “Father will notice.” Tom warns, voice cold. Mattheo’s jaw twitches in anger with his brother. “He won't, she's just another student that escaped his tyranny.” Tom raises his eyebrows at the slightly harsh tone. Mattheo takes two steps in the direction of his room, before turning around to his brother. “If our father ever finds out about her I promise you, I’ll make you live for an eternity, knowing that you are the reason I killed the love of your life, because I swear I’ll destroy that little happiness you possess in your miserable life if-” Tom bites back hard. “Don’t worry little brother as far as I’m concerned you never loved anyone and no one ever loved you.” As horrible as it sounded Mattheo knew it was his brother's way of reassuring him in his own twisted way that their father would never know about you. Mattheo nods and turns around with haste. Tom watches him leave and even when he’s gone he continues staring. With you gone Tom had lost his brother.

That night Tom is more quiet than usual, but that isn’t odd these days. It’s his gentle eyes watching her that make Lyn get up and walk over to him, kneeling down and cupping his cheeks, forcing his eyes to meet her. A single tear runs down Tom’s cheek. “I regret bringing him back.” Tom whispers with a hoarse voice. “I never meant for any of this to happen.” His voice finally cracks and he turns his face away from Lyn, but she won’t have it, forcing him to meet her eyes once more as tears roll down his cheeks. “I know.” Is all she whispers before embarrassing him. When it’s all over, we’ll leave… leave it all behind.

Wind gushes against the window and Tom rests his head on Lyn’s shoulder as he watches the miserable weather outside. Mattheo feels that same wind through his hair as he stands at the astronomy tower holding a cigarette and staring into nothing, wishing he could turn it off, all those feelings. Only having the thought of ever seeing you again, one day, maybe, as a beacon of light to keep on surviving whatever is coming.

V. All that matters

There are two endings. For maximum angst: choose the second one (I’m not responsible for the sadness you will feel afterwards). For more fluff and happiness: pick the first one. 

The 🥹🥰 version

Every night you dream of Hogwarts. There’s music in the great hall and a man, who asks you to dance with him. You gracefully take his hand and as sad as the music is you feel happy in his arms. When a harsh gust of wind startles you both, you look at him and say “We’ll be fine. No one can break us.”. Then you always wake up and you feel empty as you stare around your room, looking for him. Who are you? This night had been no different, but the morning was as you heard your friends argue in the kitchen. 

“No, I promised Mattheo to keep her safe.” Enzo whispers, but it’s a loud and tense whisper. Mattheo? Your heart swells at the name and you don’t understand why. “Luna’s letter says the battle is happening. They need help.” Ella whispers with pleading eyes as she moves closer to her boyfriend. “Why don’t you both stay here and I’ll go.” Enzo says embracing Ella and resting his head against hers. “You promised you wouldn’t do what Matt did, we would stay together through it all.” Ella whispers as she pulls away, her eyes meeting Enzo’s fearful ones. “I wanna fight and I want to meet him, this Mattheo person.” Your voice is hesitant and your friends stare at you standing in the door opening of your room. Enzo squeezes Ella a little closer and sighs, but Ella just smiles at you. No arguing with a girl in love.

The battle at Hogwarts was won and Lyn runs to you, hugging you tightly. “I’m so glad you're safe.” You hug back and see a familiar figure come into view, but there’s something about him you can’t remember and you can’t help but frown. “He’s at Malfoy manor.” Tom says and you instantly know he’s talking about this Mattheo person, the one you’re looking for, the one you need to find without knowing why. “He’s locked up, but he’s alright. Well, he’s alive. Wasn’t easy convincing my father to let him live.” You feel your heart race and Lyn lets go of you. “Tell my brother… tell him I’m sorry.” Tom whispers and Lyn reaches for his hand and smiles at you. You remember enough to know that they have to leave and nod. “I’ll find him.” You say and an amused half smile tugs on Tom’s lip. “No doubt.” Gently squeezing hands, the couple apparates, leaving you determined to find Mattheo, still not sure who he is to you.

Though the battle at Hogwarts had ended, there was still resistance at Malfoy manor. When you arrive with Ella and Enzo you immediately need to cast a protection spell. When one of the spells hits Ella, making her stumble and fall, Enzo answers with a devastating spell blasting down the death eater and the wall behind him. The other enemy is left staring at the three of you in shock and Enzo raises his wand with determination. “I’m marrying that one so don’t think about casting another spell.” After a second of consideration the last death eater apparates and Ella turns to Enzo looking impressed. “What? You thought I was all looks and no fight?” Enzo quips with a cheeky smile and Ella chuckles. “Marrying me?” She asks, not being able to contain her bright smile. Enzo nods, realising he spilled his secret plans.

You interrupt their kiss before it turns into a make out session. “Hello! I would still like to find the moron who made me forget who he is, but I still keep on dreaming about.” It still surprises both Enzo and Ella that your love for Mattheo had not only found a loophole to the obliviate charm, but also continued to feed your determination to find a man you could not remember. 

Mattheo had heard a lot of commotion outside and his bruised and tortured body couldn’t help but flinch in pain at the thought of what was going on. He stares at the locked door of his room, focussed and mentally preparing for whatever is coming his way now. When the door forcefully swings open he clenches his jaw and for several seconds his worn out eyes stare at you emotionless. Your eyes scan Mattheo and you so desperately try to remember anything about him as you know for sure you know him. “(y/n).” He whispers, still tense but eyes softening. For a second you search for words, but then you decide that it’s pointless and run towards him. Your arms wrap around his neck and you close your eyes. Your soul was finally at peace. You had found what you were missing all these months. Mattheo struggles to breath as his lungs seem to fill with air for the first time since he sent you away. He feels warmth again. His vision seems to change as his mind finally clears. When he hears soft sobs coming from you his hands finally move and he holds you, stroking your back before wrapping his arms around you and pressing your body against his, needing all of you to even believe that it is really you.

“I want to remember.” You whisper in between sobs and Mattheo’s body relaxes at the sound of your voice. You pull away a little so you can study his face, adoring his eyes and brushing over the fresh scars on his face. Mattheo hesitates to undo it because he’s scared of having that happiness back. You see the fear in his eyes grow as he takes in every piece of you. “What are you afraid of?” You whisper. Mattheo stares deep into your eyes and he can’t help but be honest. “Love.” You chuckle and give him a warm smile. “I love you already and I know I’ll continue to do so, whether I remember or not, I know I’ll love you forever.” You reach for the wand you had found earlier, knowing it belonged to him. “It’s over. We won. It’s okay. They didn’t break us.” Mattheo’s hand wraps around yours, holding his wand. His lips crash onto your soft ones and you can feel his tears against your cheeks. His other hand holds the back of your head as his forehead rests on yours, eyes drowning in one another. 

You hear a soft whisper and then all memories start flooding back. The quidditch games. The late nights at the astronomy tower. The yule ball. Laughing in the hallway. Winks and smirks during class. Intense study sessions. Sweet, messy nights together that had you wishing they would never end. And that last evening together.

The 😭😢 version

It’s chilly, but the sun is shining and radiates a gentle warmth. Tom stops, taking in a deep breath and Lyn squeezes his hand, encouraging him. While Lyn watches him Tom approaches you sitting on a bench, enjoying the sun while reading. He smiles and there’s so much going on in his eyes, too much for one soul to bare. “Good book.” Tom starts and you look up, giving the stranger a polite smile. “Mind if I tell you an even better story?” You look confused at the man in front of you and the reason you say yes is mostly out of politeness. “It’s about selfless and unconditional love.” Tom explains as he sits down next to you. “Oh, I would love to hear about that.” A genuine relief fills Tom’s eyes as he can sit down next to you. “It’s about some extraordinary people, Enzo and Ella, and… my brother, Mattheo, who loved a girl named (y/n).” A chuckle leaves your lips. “That’s my name as well.” Tom's eyes get glassy as he watches you. I know, but how I wish you knew his name.

Suddenly your chuckle falls and you look away. “Matt! Be careful!” Tom’s eyes snap in the direction you were looking. Tom’s eyes meet brown ones, unmistakably his brother’s… and the kid smiles at Tom. “Matt?” Tom whispers as his nephew approaches him.

Word count: 3497

Feedback is always welcome.

[askinkiskarma]

The Archer | Chapter II: Out of the Woods

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X

Summary: A fight with Neteyam makes you run to the forest with the rest of the Sully kids, right into the arms of the enemy. You come face to face with a man you never thought you'd ever get to see.

Pairings: Neteyam x Avatar!Reader

Word Count: 10,2k words

Warnings/notes: smut(18+, minors DNI!), angst, mentions of death, disease, blood, violence, cursing, SPOILERS for ATWOW

A/N: I am writing this at 2am, so my apologies for any grammar errors, I am exhausteddd!! I don't know if you can tell, but I am actually really struggling writing any of the scenes (particularly action scenes) from the movie, and describing what is happening on the screen is the bane of my life. Also, sometimes I can't understand what the dialogue is and I can't find the script or english subtitles and it makes me unnecessarily upset. Also my inspo for the dad is Oscar Isaac cause wow what a man. Can he be my daddy too? Hahahaha ok i'm so tired i'm gonna go to sleep enjoyyy x

Remember when I hit the brakes too soon? Twenty stitches in a hospital room

When you started crying, baby, I did too, but when the sun came up, I was looking at you

Remember when we couldn't take the heat? You walked out, you said "I'm setting you free"

But the monsters turned out to be just trees, when the sun came up you were looking at me

You watched Neteyam leave the comfort of your shared tent and you instantly knew he felt horrible about what he said. You knew he didn’t mean it, but in this moment, you didn’t care. He had to have meant it to a certain degree for it to come out so easily out of his mouth. 

As you were preparing to leave, unable to spend the night in this place, in this tent, where everything hurt, where every corner had photos and trinkets and memories that you couldn’t bear look at in this moment, you heard a squeaky voice you loved break through the unbearable silence. You were a mess, you knew, paint splattered all over your face, neck and torso, seeping into the woven fabric of your top, but you wouldn’t deny her - you couldn’t. 

“Come in, Tuk-tuk.” 

She gently opened the flap and walked in sheepishly, carrying your mother’s guitar that you gifted to her almost a year ago. 

“I’m sorry about Neteyam.” She looked so sad you almost started crying again, this pure soul who felt and cared for everything around her, listened to everyone and always made you feel important, always made you feel heard. 

You knelt and opened your arms in her direction, and you saw her place the guitar carefully on the ground and run into your open arms. 

“Oh, my dear girl, you have nothing to be sorry about. That is between me and him, it has nothing to do with you, alright, baby?”

“But it does have to do with me, because he is wrong. You have a family, you have always had a family. We’re your family. Sullys stick together.” 

The tears started as if completely independent from the rest of your body, and you couldn’t stop the cry that made its way out of your throat without your consent. This little girl you loved so much managed to undo so much of her brother’s mistakes in just a few words, and you felt so grateful to have her in your life, so grateful to have someone to call a sister. 

“Baby, I was going to go wash this whole day off, would you like to come with me? We can take Neyn, we can bring the guitar, you can sing to me the song I showed you?” 

“Yay, adventure time!”

You chuckled at this 9 year old who reminded you a lot of Lo’ak at her age, always up for new experiences, as long as it avoided the boredom of the mundane. You knew you were going to get in trouble with Jake and Neytiri for taking their youngest away at night, but right now you just needed to be away from here, and you couldn’t find it in your heart to turn away this precious soul who just made you less miserable in just a few minutes.

You sneaked out of your tent, feeling stupid for feeling like you had to sneak out in the first place, like you were an unruly teenager, not a full-grown adult who just got her heart broken by her mate. He should be sneaking out. As a matter of fact, he should be sneaking in, begging on his knees for your forgiveness, like he used to when he was young. I guess that’s just another thing that has changed in the year you have become mated. You signalled for Tuk to get on your ikran, who was dozed off next to the rest of your family’s, and you cursed yourself for waking her up after such a traumatic day. 

“I’m sorry, sweet girl.” You said with a kiss on her snout, and she cooed affectionately at you. You made the tsaheylu and you couldn’t feel any fear, anxiety or frustration in her thoughts, which put your mind at ease a little, and, with a hand on the neural whip and the other wrapped tightly around Tuk’s chest, you took flight. 

It was a short trip to the cave you and Neteyam come to all the time, the one that had a small subterranean lake that you would sometimes wash in. The water was absolutely freezing, never seeing the light of day, but it was peaceful and clean, and that sounded as good to you as heaven right now. You dove in without a second thought, the freezing water inundating all your senses, healing all the wounds that were scratching painfully at your heart. 

Why would he say that? 

I mean, you did attack him about saving his baby brother, who would have probably died if it wasn’t for him.

He should’t have to keep saving Lo’ak at his own expense. 

He shouldn’t have to, but he does. Lo’ak wants to prove himself, and Neteyam is a protector by nature. It’s like asking water to not be wet. 

I want to kill Lo’ak.

No, you don’t. Because you understand Lo’ak. You’re sad for Lo’ak, for always living in his brother’s shadow, for always getting the cold shoulder from his dad, who you also know is just being harsh because he has to be, because no one else can be. 

What if he dies? What do I do then?

 

Your mind didn’t have a quippy answer to that - or any answer at all. You were left alone, with no answers and enough terror to fill this whole floating cave and overflow around it. You emerged from the water and got on your back, just floating aimlessly, trying to get your heart to stop pounding in your chest and the tears stop pricking at your eyes. What if he dies?

“Can I swim with you?” 

Tuk’s question pulled you out of your frightened contemplation, and you realised you have probably been unnervingly quiet for too long. 

“It’s really cold, Tuk-tuk, I don’t want you to get sick. How about I take you to a warmer lake tomorrow and we can swim together, would you like that?” 

“YES!” 

“Can I come, too?” 

The deep voice stopped you in your tracks, and you almost drowned when your feet stopped paddling underwater to keep you upright. 

“NETEYAM!” Regardless how upset Tuk was at her older brother’s words, Neteyam would always be her favourite. Her favourite sibling, her favourite family member. Some people in the village loved asking Jake and Neytiri whether Tuk was more a mother’s or a father’s girl, but in reality, Tuk was her brother’s girl. 

“Hi, Tuk. What are you doing here? You want to give mother and father a heart attack?” The little girl’s face was nestled in Neteyam’s neck, hidden from sight behind his long braids that moved as she chuckled. 

“I wanted to keep my sister company.”

“You need to go to sleep, parultsyìp. How about I take you back home and then I can keep her company?” 

“Will you apologise?” 

Neteyam shifted uncomfortably on his feet, and looked to the ground - he was embarrassed. 

“Yes, I will apologise. Come, let’s go.” He let her down and patted her back affectionately to get her to go ahead before him.

“Please don’t leave? I’ll come as soon as I make sure she’s with my parents.” He looked at you pleadingly, begging you silently. A year ago you would have ran for the hills, took off to not be found by anyone, but just like so many other things, this has also changed. You weren’t a child anymore, careless and impulsive, controlled by your never-ending grief and anger; you had to be better. You were someone’s daughter now, someone’s mate, someone’s sister. You were a future Tsa’hik, you were one of the best warriors in the clan. People depended on you. Despite what Neteyam so cruelly told you, you did have a family. And he was part of it. So you would wait. 

You nodded without looking at him, and you heard him sigh in relief. He placed something on the ground before he turned on his heels with Tuk in his arms, and you noticed with a sudden burst of pain felt all within you that it was a flower bouquet. That’s why he took so long…

You washed yourself properly now that you were alone, and when you got out, you noticed the guitar that Tuk forgot to pick up with her still resting on a wall of the cave. You sat next to it, back resting on the same wall, and picked it up, your mind immediately wandering to your mum. With everything going on around you, you have not been able to visit the Tree of Souls after your consciousness transfer. It’s been a year since you saw your mum as you lay dying and you regretted every day not going back to visit, to see if you could see her again, see if Eywa would be able to bring her back to you, at least in this way. The guitar was tiny in your hands now, but you could still play the chord if you were really careful. You started strumming a song, and let yourself sing to let out the hurt and fright. 

Looking at it now, it all seemed so simple, we were lying on my couch, I remember 

You took a Polaroid of us, and then discovered the rest of the world was black and white, but we were in screaming colour

Your bracelet hanging from my hand, the night we couldn’t quite forget, when we decided

To move the furniture so we could dance, baby, like we stood a chance, two paper airplanes flying

And I remember thinking, are we out of the woods yet? Are we in the clear yet?

Are we out of the woods yet? Are we in the clear yet? 

“Well… we are definitely out of the woods.” 

You saw Neteyam’s shadowy figure slowly walking towards you, deeper in the cave, the silhouette of his body and the braids swinging from of side to the other to only thing you can make out in the darkness. You glared in his direction and he winced, already regretting his words. 

He sat down in front of you, with his legs crossed so your knees were touching. He reached a hand to your knee and caressed it gently. 

“Thank you for waiting.” 

You refused to look at him, instead opting for the dimly illuminated lake to your left, that twinkled every time a drop of water would fall from the ceiling. You traced the stalactites and their curious shapes, fascinated with they clung to the wall, when you felt Neteyam’s hand on your cheek, softly turning your face to face him. 

“Atan, please, look at me. I can’t stand it when you refuse to look at me.”

Tears fell from your eyes like water from the roof of the cave, and eventually you looked at him, and saw his pained expression, and you knew how bad he felt. You could feel it in your soul, his misery, but it did very little to comfort you. It was easy to feel bad after the fact. 

“Atan… I am so sorry. I could never express into words how sorry I am, I will pay my whole life for what I said, what I spat at you in a moment of stupid anger. I just want you to know that it isn’t true. What I said, it isn’t true. You’ve always had a family. You’ve always had us, and Norm and Max. You’ve always had me. I have been your family my whole life, and I am so, so sorry. There’s no excuse for what I said.” 

“I forgive you.” You placed your hand on his chest when you noticed him trying to get close to you. ‘I’m not finished.” 

“I forgive you. But I need some time.” 

“What do you mean you need some time?” 

“I mean, I have to figure out how I will do this. How I could possibly do this. How I can watch the man I promised to spend the rest of my life with kill himself before the rest of my life can ever come, and learn to ever be ok with it. 

You were right. I never had a family. I had a mum who didn’t want to live past my tenth birthday, friends I cared for, but that lived in a completely different world to mine, people that tried to be there for me but I pushed them away, a dead dad and you. A guy I loved my whole life who left me without saying goodbye. I’ve never had a family. 

But I have one now. And you’re right. You’re right, it isn’t a choice. If I had to choose between my life any of yours, I would give mine up in an instant. And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure you are safe. So I do get it. But that doesn’t mean that I can watch you do it. 

I know how hard this is on you… how much this enormous unspoken pressure weighs on you. Being Olo’eyktan, being the oldest son, the big brother, the protector. I know you won’t say it, and you won’t complain, but I know. You have nightmares, and you cry in your sleep. You cry for your dad, and for Lo’ak… for Tuk… for me. I hoped that you would talk to me about it, and I’ll be here to listen when you feel ready. I’m sorry you feel like you have to go through this alone. 

But I don’t know if I can’t stand and watch you kill yourself. Because it will kill me too. So until I figure it out, I need some time.”

Neteyam was shedding silent tears that refused to stay hidden, and he felt his heart break at all your words, each one harder to hear than the last. Time? He didn’t have time. Time was for a different period of your lives, before the humans came, when you were young and wild and free to run through the forest whenever you pleased. Time was for when you made him sit through an entire season of a show he couldn’t understand half the words to, but he was just happy to sit in silence next to you, hearing your laughter bless his ears, his mind, his soul. Time was for when he took his siblings through the forest to forage for rocks and beads because Kiri wanted to make them all something special to wear for his second birth. There was no more time, no more future, no more past. Just the now, waiting to see what the humans have planned next, what hell they’ll rain on this planet this time, and who will suffer as a consequence. 

“Atan…” 

“I don’t want to put you out, so I will go sleep with the rest of the Avatars for a while. I have work to do in the lab anyway, so it’ll probably work better this way anyway.” 

Neteyam saw you get up from where you sat, deep coldness settling where your knees weren’t touching him anymore and dispersing all throughout his body. He saw your back turn and you made your way out of the cave, stopping to pick up the flowers that he spent an hour collecting for you. You brought them closer to your face and smelled them, smiling sadly.

“Thank you for the flowers. It’s good to know at least some things haven’t changed. I love you, Neteyam. I’m sorry.” 

Neteyam couldn’t find it in him to get up from the floor, and he felt the hopelessness envelop him like a blanket that he was suffocating under. What was he supposed to do? What did this mean? Is this a human thing? Neteyam remembers when you were much younger and you had to explain to him the concept of a “break”, after making him sit through a whole Friends marathon. Is this what this was? You were asking him for a break? Were you breaking up with him? Today just feels like a never-ending nightmare, and he was hoping that you would wake him up, like you always did, comforting him and singing him back to sleep. He didn’t have it in him to go back to the camp, so he lay on the cold ground of the cave, and let himself fall into a restless slumber - even if real nightmares did invade his subconsciousness, how much worse could they get?

You spent the next few days mostly in the lab, trying to take care of everyone who was affected in the fateful mission that left more than physical scars behind. It was a full-time job, as there were a lot of victims that required surgical intervention, which you were more than happy to do yourself. You’d like to think that it was because it would bring you peace - helping others - but you knew deep down you were also happy to be able to avoid Neteyam. You felt bad for what you said, bad for distancing yourself from someone you loved more than life itself, but you were still hurt and angry, still terrified and paralysed at the thought of losing him. You don’t know what this distance would achieve, but you were hoping for some clarity and perspective. 

Norm and Max came in the little lab you turned into an intervention room as you were finishing checking in on the people you operated on a couple days ok, making sure their vitals were normal. 

“OK - spill. What happened?” You heard Norm speak over the machines beeping in the room.

“What do you mean?” You removed your gloves and quietly made your way out of the lab.

“You’re never here this much anymore. I’m sure there are better things to be doing, and you know very well me and Max, or hell, Claire and Tim can take care of people post-operatively. We all know how to stitch wounds, Ace.”

“Not as well as me.”

“True, but definitely better than we would be at scouting and hunting, which is what you should be doing. So something happened. Had a fight with Neteyam?”

“Of sorts.” 

You reached the dry labs and sat on one of the chairs that you barely fit in anymore; your elbow resting on your thighs, you put your head in your hands and sighed deeply.

“You’re gonna remove all the oxygen in the room if you sigh that hard.” 

“We fought about the mission a few days ago. Lo’ak disobeyed Jake and got himself in danger - as usual -, and Neteyam got hit by the explosion as a result. I yelled at him about it, he yelled at me, it got ugly. I told him I need space. So I’m taking space.” 

“So that’s why you’re sleeping in our tent. I knew it wasn’t just so you could check on people easier. Liar.” 

“It’s not a complete lie, but yeah.” 

“So what were you yelling to each other about?” 

“So I said -“ 

Loud commotion happened around you as the door to the outside opened and in came Lo’ak, Kiri and Spider.

“Yeah, haha, real hysterical, you guys. You know what really sucks, though? That you can breathe the air here for hours, and I can only breath your air for like ten seconds.”

“Yeah, monkey boy, that really sucks. For you.”

Spider and Kiri have always been close, but recently, you felt a shift in their dynamic. It was a lot more flirtatious than friendly, and you couldn’t help wonder if there is something going on beneath the surface. Their interactions reminded you a lot of you and Neteyam’s before he left, just intimate enough they didn’t feel platonic anymore. Having been in Spider’s shoes, if there was, you felt bad for him. It was a slow poison, loving someone you know you could never have - whose body is literally incompatible to your own. You have always felt bad that you got an Avatar and Spider didn’t. In reality, you felt like he deserved it more. He has always been so connected to the Na’vi, so inseparable from the Sullys, so desperate for a family and a sense of belonging. Nobody knew this, but you were working hard to try to see if it was possible to build him one too. It would take time, but with the new technology and supplies the humans brought with them, maybe it wasn’t a pipe dream anymore. 

Kiri finally acknowledged your presence. 

“Hey, everyone!” 

“Hey, kids!” Max chipped in enthusiastically. He loved when the Sullys came to visit. 

“Hey, what’s up, Max?” 

You didn’t look at Lo’ak, although he came really close to you and sat on a chair in front of yours. He moved on the chair until he was face to face with you, and put both of his hands on either side of you on the arm rests to force you to face him. 

“Angel, are you going to be upset with me forever?” 

You scowled at him and he smiled, and you melted a little. You could never stay mad at Lo’ak. 

“You are a public menace, do you understand this?” it was his turn to scowl now, and he turned his gaze away from you - he seemed upset. You took his face in both your hands and brought his gaze back to yours.

“Lo’ak, I need you to be more careful. Please. I can’t lose you. And I can’t lose Neteyam, who will die one day trying to protect you. I know it’s hard, I know there’s so much you want to do and so much you want to prove, but please. Try?” You were looking at him as seriously and warmly as you could, pleading him to hear you, pleading that he would listen. He looked at you intently for a long time, and eventually, he nodded softly, looking remorseful. You moved his head downward a little so you had better access to his forehead and you gave him a quick peck, and noticed the slight purplish tint of his cheeks. You could never stay mad at Lo’ak. 

“We’re going to go take a walk in the woods, come with us, please? I know you’re mad at Neteyam, but you can’t stay here forever. Even Norm and Max go out more than you.” 

“Lo’ak, you shouldn’t be walking through the woods, you know this.” 

“We’re not going to go far. We’re even taking Tuk, you know we would never put her in any danger.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him. “She blackmailed you to come, didn’t she?”

You saw Lo’ak rolls his eyes and huff in annoyance. “…yes.” 

“Fine, I’m literally only coming to make sure Tuk is safe.”

“I’ll take it. Let’s go, gang!!” 

You had to admit it felt really good to be out, to just run on the huge vines that connected the Hallelujah mountains to the ground and to each other. It felt like a blessing to be able to still enjoy these views, these moments with your siblings, even amidst the chaos that was erupting everywhere around you. You went like this for ages, and even though you knew you should have gone back, knew Lo’ak was again pushing his luck and the safety of everyone here, you couldn’t find it in you to stop him. You wanted this, you craved the warmth and safety the forest gave you, your forever home, your forever first love. Even the thought of returning back to camp in a couple hours made you sad. So you decided to focus on the now, and just enjoy the time you’ve got.

It was close to eclipse when you decided to make your way back. The kids were not allowed past curfew, and you didn’t want to risk it, especially with Tuk around. You were disappointed, but not surprised when Lo’ak stopped in his tracks and moved away from your path to inspect something he found on the ground.

“What is it?” Kiri said, in an exasperated tone, and you found yourself mirroring her sentiments. 

You saw Lo’ak and Spider hovering over a patch on the ground and you decided to go investigate.

“We’re always supposed to be home by eclipse.” You heard Tuk join in. 

Your mouth dropped at the sight in front of you. Shoe prints, made by boots that couldn’t be worn by any human. You recognised the pattern of the sole, as you have seen it before among clothes worn by the RDA soldiers. Military combat boots. Your heart was thumping in your chest at the only possible explanation. You started looking around you, and you felt the all-too-familiar dread building in your stomach, greeting you like an old friend. You barely registered the words that Spider and Lo’ak were exchanging.

“It’s way too big for a human.”

“Avatars?”

“Maybe, but for sure not ours.” 

You saw Lo’ak move towards where the footprints were headed, and you tried to will your legs to move, to stop them, tried to will yourself to speak, but you couldn’t find the words, just dread. Just pure fear at every possible scenario that could take place, your mind computing all your worst nightmares and displaying them to you like on an outdoor cinema screen. Eventually, you started moving your legs and made your way in front of Lo’ak, positioning your body, now just as strong and tall as his, in front of him.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m tracking.” 

“Are you out of your goddamn mind?” You were trying so hard to keep your voice down,  but it was hard to do when you felt rage replacing the anxiety and spilling over all around you. 

“Angel, we have to see who it is. Whoever it is will never find us, this is our territory. We have to bring back the intel, and what are we going to say when dad asks us what did we see? We need to find out more.” 

“Lo’ak, we are not prepared for this. I don’t have my gun, or a radio, or my bow. I have a knife. I’m not putting Kiri and Tuk in danger. We can go back and we can track tomorrow and figure it out. We know they’re Avatars. What you don’t know is that they’re military.”

You saw his face drop. “Yeah, that’s right. Those boots? They were worn by the RDA soldiers that murdered so many of our people. They’re larger now, but the imprint on them is the same. They fucking brought Avatar soldiers here this time. This is fucking serious. We have to go.” 

He thought about it for a while. You hoped that he would listen, you hoped that he would abide by what you talked about only a few hours ago. 

“We will be careful. We will keep our distance. Let’s just see what they’re doing, at least.” 

You growled at him loudly, but said nothing, and the shock overtook your body when you realised that you were following him. You tried to tell your body to move, to take Kiri and Tuk and leave, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t leave him or Spider, couldn’t bear the thought of them getting hurt and you not being there to help. Fuck, you owed Neteyam an apology. 

You followed the tracks for a while, until you found them, and you kept your distance in the bushes and observed quietly. You could see six people in the clearing where 19 years ago, Jake and Neytiri defeated Quaritch, Spider’s dad. It was a forbidden place, cursed by dark, ominous energy that will plague this land for many years to come. The people were clearly Avatars, dressed in camo outfits, carrying so much weaponry it was making your knees shake. Every cell in your body was begging you to move, begging you to run, but you couldn’t, not until Lo’ak the rest of them were safely behind you. So you waited, trying to gather as much information as you could. The Avatars were searching the hub for any sign of recent life, and they took particular interest in exo-suit that you know belonged to Quaritch. In it, there were 2 arrows that you recognised as Neytiri’s, the emerald green feathers a dead giveaway. You never knew exactly how Spider’s dad died, and neither did he, so you wondered what feelings were plaguing him watching this unfold. 

“We are never supposed to be here.” Kiri says, in a forceful tone. “Dad is going to ground you…”

“Shh, Kiri.” Lo’ak said exasperatedly, talking over his sister. “…for life.” 

“Bro, we have got to check this out.” 

You put your arm in front of the two boys. “Absolutely not. This is as far as we go. Call this in, now. I don’t have my radio.” 

“No, bro, we’re gonna get in trouble.” You gave Spider a death stare, at his seemingly unending recklessness. 

“Call it in, now. I’m not going to repeat myself again.” 

“You sound like dad.”

Neteyam’s mood has been in a rapid decline over the last few days. He hasn’t seen you since that night, clear to him you were doing anything in your power to avoid him. Instead of thinking of the potential demise of your relationship and how that put his fucking heart through the meat grinder, he instead decided to bury himself in work and training, and try to spend some time with his parents that he very rarely seemed to talk to anymore outside of war-talk. His childhood was long gone, he realises - where he was just a kid, surrounded by so much love it was almost suffocating, full of laughter and joy, full of his dad’s Earth stories and his mum’s impressions, full of hope and light. His parents were now soldiers, generals, commanders, and he was just a subordinate, a corporal trying to help out in the best way he knew how. There were definitely perks to being an adult, and Neteyam could list just about all of them staring in between your legs, but there were times, such as now, that he wishes his parents would be his parents again, and he could just be a little kid again, spoiled, cherished and unencumbered by life’s tragedies.

The three of them were high in the Hallelujah mountains, returning from a full day of scouting and tracking, when Lo’ak’s voice through the radio interrupted his train of thought. 

“Devil Dog, Devil Dog, this is Eagle Eye, over.”

“Eagle Eye, send your traffic.”

“I got eyes on some guys. They look like Avatars, but they’re in full camo and carrying ARs. There’s six of them, over.”

“What’s your post?” 

“Um... We’re at the old shack.”

“Who’s we?”

“Me, Spider, Kiri…Quickscope…and Tuk.” 

Neteyam’s knees felt like they were buckling underneath him. He was dizzy, and he felt Seze’s flight becoming unsteady as his mind was collapsing into a puddle of mush. Lo’ak… Spider… Kiri… Tuk… and you. His whole world. He could lose everything in a second. What the fuck were all of you doing in the forest? Why the fuck were all of you in the one place that was strictly forbidden? If it was Lo’ak and Spider he could maybe understand the stupidity, but you? The thought that you went along with this, with Tuk next to you boiled his blood - it was easier to be angry than to admit how immeasurably scared he actually was.

“Son, you listen to me very carefully. Pull back right now, do not make a sound, and get the hell out of there. Move. Copy?”

“Yes, sir, moving out.” 

Neteyam’s entire body was lit up with pure adrenaline, coursing through his veins like ice water, sharpening his senses. He had to save you. All of you. He had to do something.

“Dad. I know a quick way.” He didn’t stop to see if his parents were following, but he heard his mother letting out a war cry behind him, so he assumed they were. He had to save you. He couldn’t lose you again.

“You’re gonna be in so much trouble.” You heard Kiri whispering to her brother.

“Kiri, stop. This is not the time.” You heard yourself say. You were gonna kill Lo’ak yourself, but right now, you just had to focus on getting out of here. Getting them out of here.

You saw Tuk run ahead and you wanted to tell her to slow down, but she spoke before you. “It’s almost eclipse, come on!!” 

Out from the bushes came Avatars, so many of them they outnumbered you at least 2 to 1. A woman grabbed Tuk, holding her tightly and you hissed aggressively and pulled out your knife from its sheath, but you knew immediately it would do very little against so many military people carrying fucking machine guns that were pointed at your face, and worse, at the faces of the people you loved. 

You heard the Avatars screaming at you, telling you all to put down your weapons, and you did, knowing there was no other choice. This wasn’t a battle you could win, this wasn’t even a battle you could start. You saw Lo’ak throw his bow on the ground, but Spider was unrelenting. 

“Drop it. Drop it.” Lo’ak warned Spider in Na’vi, and you thanked your lucky star that he was being at least a tiny bit reasonable. 

You were pulled forcefully by someone tugging you by your hair and pinning your arms together, holding them tightly, mirroring what was happening to your siblings around you. Tuk was crying, and your heart tugged at the sound, desperate to help her, a deep maternal instinct rising within you, and you felt rage and adrenaline fill your body. 

A few more Avatars made their way to the group. One of them looked a little older, and by the way all the others shifted towards him subconsciously, you reckoned he was the leader. Two men were following him closely, and a profound, unsettling feeling overcame you. They looked…familiar. The first one was bald. The second one had wavy hair and looked slightly different than all the others. He looked…dignified. Like he didn’t quite belong. Like his clothes were unbecoming on his body. You somehow felt you knew this man, and when you looked next to him at the first guy and his tattoo, at the girl holding Kiri… when you looked closely at all of them, your body jerked violently and your mouth fell agape. 

It couldn’t be… no…

Quaritch. Weinfleet. Pike. 

…Your dad… 

You didn’t understand what you were feeling at the moment, a mix that you have never experienced before, but at the forefront was gaping confusion and horror, shock and fear, and deep within you, maybe even a little bit of excitement. Could that actually be your dad? How is that possible? You buried his bones, you saw Weinfleet’s skeleton in the forest, you just saw Quaritch’s at the Shack. How could this be? 

You saw Weinfleet stalk towards you and he took a hold of your hand and forcefully brought it up. “Colonel, check it out. Four fingers. We’ve got a half-breed.” 

They thought you were Na’vi. Good. They realised you were born with Avatar blood, so you were most likely Jake’s. That made you valuable to them. Bad. The man behind you was pulling on your queue to lift your chin up so Quaritch can look at you properly. They were pulling on your arm and you felt pain all over, that was overshadowed by so many other emotions flooding your being. He inspected you shortly, and then moved on to Kiri and Lo’ak. 

“Show me your fingers.” Lo’ak brought both his hands up and flipped him off. You would laugh if your body could still produce any ounce of serotonin. 

You saw Quaritch smile crudely, eyeing Lo’ak up and down. “You’re his, aren’t you?” He continued smiling as Lo’ak hissed at him and took him by his hair, pulling him towards his eye level. 

“Where is he?” 

“Sorry, I don’t speak English…with assholes.” 

“Where is your father?” His accent was thick, and he butchered the words and pronunciation, but there was no mistaking what he wanted. Jake. So this is what it was all about. Even after 19 years, the RDA was willing to spend hundreds of millions of dollars in order to eliminate the Olo’eyktan. It was a good investment, you thought, considering there was only so much the humans can do with Jake in the picture. You wondered what they were willing to do to get to him. Would they kill you off, one by one? Would your dad kill you to get to Jake?

Lo’ak said nothing, only hissing in pain when the man kept tugging at his queue aggressively. You heard wails all around you coming from Kiri and Tuk, but you were focused on only one thing. Figuring out an escape route. You knew Neytiri and Jake were on their way, since Lo’ak alerted them to your location. It was only a matter of time before they arrived. Eclipse was also only about 10 more minutes away, so you would have the cover of darkness soon, which was an advantage to you, but not to them. Lucky for you, they tied your hands in front of you, which means you could still use them. You probed the strength of the hand ties, and realised quickly you weren’t getting out of them without a knife. The man holding you was keeping you close to his body. You recoiled in disgust, but tried to shimmy your body into him to feel for any possible things you could use. He was wearing an army vest. You felt grenades and ammo poking you in the back. You moved subtly a bit more, making it seem like the position was just uncomfortable, and felt a military knife holder in your lower back. Bingo. 

Quaritch took out a knife, and threatened Lo’ak with it, but soon moved along the line to Kiri. There was screaming coming from all the boys, but Spider’s voice broke through and Quaritch turned around to face him. It must be a weird sight to see, a human amongst the Na’vi, clearly young enough to have been raised here. You wondered if Spider connected the dots, if he figured out who the man standing if front of him was. You gave silent thanks to your mum and the scientists for the Avatar again. 

“What’s your name, kid?” 

“Spider… Socorro.”

Quaritch’s face changed, the sly smirk faltered and his expression was shocked, when it dawned on him the kid standing in front of him was his son. 

Neteyam and his parents landed as eclipse set in, enveloping the nature in bioluminescent glow. It would be beautiful if he wasn’t on the edge of losing his goddamn mind. He grabbed his bow and patted Seze before he made his way towards the shack. His dad turned around and put a hand in front of him. Neteyam’s nose flared at the words he knew were coming.

“No, no. You stay with the ikran.” 

“No.” 

“Neteyam…” his mother was trying to defuse the situation the best way she knew how. 

“I’m not going to say it again.” 

“You are not leaving me behind. I am older than mum was when the Sky People attacked the first time. My mate is out there. My brothers and sisters. I am coming.” 

Neteyam saw his dad looking at him intently, thinking about it for a while. Eventually, he relents and nods curtly. 

“You stay behind, do you read me, boy? Your mother and I will go first, so they think it’s just two of us. You stand and attack from behind when the opportunity arises.”

Neteyam agreed, although still disappointed. It was better than nothing.

“Let’s go.”

After splitting from his parents, Neteyam made his way quietly through the forest to a high point by which he could spot you and his siblings. He gasped silently and he could feel his heart in his throat, making him pant in shallow breaths, that were leaving him dizzy and disoriented. So many Avatars, all in military clothing, all carrying heavy guns, all holding at knifepoint the people he loved most in the world. He saw you and his breath stopped altogether, wet hair and a concerned, but focused expression on your face. Your eyes were scanning all of them, scanning the forest, it’s almost like you could tell they were here, that he was here. 

From far away, he heard his mum’s signature distress signal echoing through the forest. It was inconspicuous enough that to the undiscerning ears it probably sounded like a bird or a forest animal, but Neteyam saw all of your ears perk and your heads snapping in the direction it came from. Neteyam knew you were all trained for this, trained for emergency situations, and he felt a tug of gratitude for his father’s military ways that will most likely save their lives tonight.

The unmistakable sound of Neytiri’s call brought relief that washed over you like the raindrops falling from the sky. You knew then the kids will be alright. You looked at Lo’ak and you nodded almost imperceptibly in the direction of the guy at your 12 o’clock who was facing you both and had a smoke bomb clearly displayed on his vest. He looked at it and nodded back, and you knew he understood. You got this. 

With a loud thud that declared the beginning of the rescue mission, the man holding both Kiri and Spider was knocked to the ground, a green arrow sticking out of his forehead. The man holding you pushed you aside to get his gun, and without a second thought, you removed the knife from his holder and slit his throat. The blood went all over you, on your face and torso, but you didn’t care.

“LO’AK!” You screamed, and the boy released the pin from the smoke bomb, enveloping the whole area in green smoke. 

You stabbed another man in the neck at the same time Lo’ak and Tuk bit the people holding them, and ran for the woods. Good. 

You managed to run as well, trying to dodge the barrage of gunshots being released all around you, but you felt someone harshly pulling you backwards by your queue. You cried out, as pain dispersed from your spine all around you body, but the pull stopped when the woman who grabbed you got an arrow on the side of her head that came out the other side. The shot came from a different angle, and you knew that was Neteyam. You ran as soon as you were released, making sure to take the machine gun she was carrying in her hand before you sprinted to a tree that could provide cover. 

You took a few deep breaths to calm yourself, and poked your head out so you could shoot whoever was still alive. You realised from the angle you were at, you had a perfect shot…that would kill your dad. Was this man even your dad? Would sparing his life for your own twisted desperation for answers and closure cost your new family theirs? Your finger went to the trigger, putting slight pressure on it. Just a little more pressure, and it would be over. Tears welled in your eyes and with a silent curse and gasped breaths, you lowered your gun and got back undercover.  

“Is that you, Mrs. Sully? I recognise your calling card.”

“Why don’t you come on out, Mrs. Sully? You and I, we’ve got some…unfinished business.” 

You saw the kids running in the distance, and you felt so much safer, so much gratitude in knowing they were going to be okay. That’s all that mattered in this moment, that Tuk, and Kiri, and Lo’ak and Spider make it back home in one piece. 

“DEMON! I will kill you as many times as I have to.” Neytiri’s voice sent shivers down your spine, so much hatred, so much intensity behind it.

“Guess you and the corporal got pretty busy, haven’t you? Got yourself a whole litter of half-breeds.” 

You saw the reflection of the gun in the corner of your eye before you had a chance to process it, and you heard a man scream “Na’vi!”, followed by the unmistakable sound of shots being fired where you stood. You saw the bullets like in slow motion, and you knew then you were done for. You were just happy everyone else was going to make it. You were happy Neteyam was going to make it. You closed your eyes in anticipation of the pain, but the pain you expected never came. Instead, you were pushed to the ground and another type of pain, the pain the came with scratches all over your body and the wind getting knocked out you, brought you back to reality and you registered Neteyam’s unmistakable pheromones flooding your entire being. 

“MOVE! GO, GO, GO!” He helped you to your feet and you both ran as fast as your feet could possibly carry you. You made it to a tree where you found Jake, and his presence calmed your thoughts and focused them - that was the effect he had on people, this great man and leader that you knew you would follow anywhere without question. 

He touched you arm and spoke to both of you. 

“Are you okay?” You and Neteyam nodded quickly.

“You ready? You ready?!” You saw him get out of cover and shoot, and you both sprinted for the hills, manoeuvring your way through thick shrubbery and tree roots, knowing that you wouldn’t have been able to do this even a few months ago, this level of athleticism and acrobatics that came naturally only to true Na’vi. 

You heard a big explosion behind you and you saw part of a big web of roots get destroyed as a result, and Spider falling a few meters beneath it. You and Neteyam were preparing to run back, but Jake stopped you, placing a firm hand in front of your bodies. You saw Neytiri picking Kiri up forcefully and running with her towards your direction, as the girl was looking back to where Spider was. 

Lo’ak and Tuk made it to your location as well, and you saw Jake kneel next to Tuk and hold her tightly in his arms as she cried, the weight of all you have all survived settling in all your bones. You hugged Neytiri like you never have before as you both cried, letting it all out, all the relief and fear and shock and happiness that you all made it out alive. 

“THANK YOU, GREAT MOTHER! THANK YOU!”

Lo’ak’s voice echoed through the forest. “Where’s Spider?” 

You looked at your sister, whose eyes looked like endless pools of sadness. “They took him! They took him!”

There were no words spoken as you all made your way back to camp. There were no words for what just happened. The adrenaline slowly depleted its resources in Neteyam’s body, leaving him in shambles, scrambling to figure out where to go from here. What were the next steps? Your back was flush against his chest, and the feeling of your skin on his, of your warmth emanating from your body, of your hand wrapped around his arm was the only thing that kept him from breaking down into a million pieces. You were here, his siblings were here. His thoughts flashed to Spider, and he knew he couldn’t think about it too much without tears welling in his eyes. He wasn’t close to Spider, definitely not nearly as close as the rest of his siblings, but he was family. Seze landed softly on the ground by the entrance to the camp. It was late, so most people were out for the night. You didn’t let go of him, not for one second, and he was so happy to see you again, so happy to feel you again, so sad it had to be under these circumstances. His family slowly made their way to the tent, but Neteyam felt you pull him back, urging him to let them go ahead without you. 

He saw you properly for the first time since the whole ordeal. You had mud all over you, but that was nothing compared to the blood covering your entire face and chest. Tears were falling down your cheeks and neck, and his hands immediately found your face, just as his lips found yours. It was soft in the beginning, tentative, like a flower blooming in the morning. But as you came to terms with everything that transpired, everything you went through, everything you could have lost, it shifted, it became desperate and needy, full of breathy moans and wandering hands. He almost lost you.. again. 

“Let’s go, please. I can’t be here.” Without any words, you got on Neyn and flew to your secret place. Neteyam’s hand was settled on your heart, that was thumping loudly, mirroring his own. You arrived quickly, the cave only a short distance away.

You ran, without looking at Neteyam and dove straight into the lake, not knowing for sure whether you wanted to reemerge, craving the numbness that came with drowning, craving it like the air that your was body was begging for. You felt the ripples in the water as Neteyam joined you, and when he touched you, your whole body lit ablaze, and the craving changed, as it always did when he was around. You missed him, so so much, and your fight and your need for space felt so silly now, so unnecessary in light of everything that you stood to lose at any moment. Any moment not spent in his presence, in his arms was wasted time, time you didn’t have. 

You came up for air, panting from your need for him settled deep within you, so that he could fill the gaping hole that just opened in your soul. He looked at your intensely, and you knew he felt the same, so you kissed him, pouring all your desires into it, feeling him do same to you. 

“I need you so badly, Atan. I have missed you so much.”

“Then take me, Neteyam. I’m yours.” 

You exited the water and lead him to the mossy grass outside of the cave, where the nature was shining brightly and the wind warmed your skin. You pushed him onto the ground, and straddled him, looking deep in his eyes as you took off your beaded top and unhooked his cummerbund from around his abdomen. He rose from where he was laying on the ground and started planting kisses down your neck and collarbone, making his way down. You moaned at the feeling, and threw your head back, giving him access to you, begging silently for him to never stop. HIs mouth found one of your breasts that he kissed, softly in the beginning before his tongue flickered over your nipple. You started grinding on him, cursing yourself for not removing both your loincloths before. His mouth moved to your other breast, whilst his hands went on to undo your loincloth, that he removed from you and threw to the side. He stopped to undo his own, and you thanked the great mother for whatever unspoken connection you two have always shared.

“I need to feel you, my love. All of you.” His hand went to his queue that he brought forth, and you were so grateful at the sight, aching for the union that will always bind you together, for life. 

You gasped loudly at the bond, overwhelmed with the outpouring of emotions emanating from Neteyam. So much pain, and fear and sadness, and so much love, and relief and gratitude all inundating your mind and soul, all making you breathless and dizzy. You both looked in each other’s eyes, both overcome with each other’s minds, both desperately in need of each other’s bodies. 

One of his hands resumed his slow torture on your breast while the other wrapped around your throat, until the asphyxiation lead to euphoria you felt deep between your legs, slick dripping all over Neteyam’s hard-on that you were grinding against. His hands let go and the rush of oxygen to your brain made you moan in pleasure, and increase the speed at which you were getting yourself off on his cock. His mouth was all over you, leaving marks that you knew would be seen by everyone in the village tomorrow, but you couldn’t care less. The whole world could burn around you at this point and you wouldn’t care, because there was nothing else. Nothing outside of this, of him, of this feeling. 

His hands went to your ass, pushing you deeper on him, urging you to go faster, helping you to your release. 

“Fuck, I love it when you fuck yourself on my cock.”

You moaned loudly at his words, feeling your orgasm building up in your core. “That’s right. Come for me, baby girl.” 

You threw your head back and rode out your orgasm with his hands on your ass still moving your now puffy and sensitive clit roughly on him. 

“You are so beautiful. So fucking beautiful.”

Dazed, you felt yourself being picked up and placed on the ground, your back loving the feel of the wet grass touching your skin. His face was inches from yours, and he lowered it to kiss you, and it was so unlike everything else around you, so tender and soft, so needy and gentle. 

“I love you so much. I am so happy you are here.” You cried out and brought him back onto you, kissing him like your life depended on it, which to be honest, you think it did. You felt his dick twitching against your inner thigh and moaned, desperate to feel him deep in your, desperate to be filled. 

“Fuck, please.”

He smiles into the kiss, and reached down to line his cock to your folds, teasing your entrance mercilessly. 

“Neteyam…” you mewled, not in the mood to be teased, not tonight. 

He didn’t need to be told twice, as he pushed in slowly, letting you adjust to his girth, that always took you by surprise, that always stretched you out deliciously. He moaned as he filled you fully, and stopped to enjoy the way you squeezed him, the way you took him in like you wouldn’t ever let him go, your pussy the only prison he wouldn’t mind being held prisoner in forever. 

“Fuck, Atan. You’re taking me so well, baby. Always so well, I could get lost in this pussy.” 

You were so wet your slick was dripping all over him and down his balls, making it so easy for him to move in an out of you, at a slow, agonising pace. Your hands made their way to his back, hard and muscular, and you dug your nails in it roughly, scratching him as he increased his pace, fucking into you roughly and ruthlessly, making of you a whimpering mess. Your legs wrapped around him to grant him better access, to bring him in deeper, always deeper, until he was hitting a spot you could feel in your whole body, inundating your every cell, your every sense. 

“I can feel you squeezing my dick, Atan. I want to hear you coming on my cock, I want to feel you taking my cum like a good girl.” 

Your orgasm hit you like a lightning strike, overcharging your every nerve ending until you were so drained you could only see white, and you felt Neteyam’s load fill you to the brim, overflowing around you. Blissfully spent, his head fell on the crook of your neck, and you stood like that, listening to each other’s heartbeats and shallow breaths.

You laughed quietly thinking this was probably the most tame sex of your life, and how even when you were trying to be tempered and soft, you ended up like this, moaning and mewling like your life depended on it. This is what he did to you, what he’ll always be able to coax out of you. 

“It’s good to hear you laugh again. So I take it you forgive me?” He rolled from on top of you, and pulled you on from the ground so you can be face to face, as he intently listened to every sound that came out of your mouth. Your queues were still attached, so you could feel the anxiety building in his system. You hoped your lack thereof would put his mind to ease a little. 

“Mm, I don’t know if I forgive you, but I have realised something. Actually, I realised two things. First, today, walking through the forest with the kids, I realised that you were right. There’s no other choice, but to follow them to the ends of the world and hope you can at least help them not fall off the edge. And if you have to fall instead, that’s fine as long as they are safe. So I think I owe you an apology. 

Secondly, I realised I can’t change who you are, and I don’t want to. I love you. I love how kind and patient and compassionate you are. I love that you love your family, your baby brother so much that his safety comes first in your mind. You love fully, and give everything to the people you love, and that is what makes you a great brother and a great son…a great mate. It’s what will make you the best Olo’eyktan this clan has ever seen… it’s what will make you the best dad. So I can’t change that about you. 

But what I can do is make sure I will always be around. I’ll always be next to you, and behind you and in front of you, and I’ll always have your back. So if anything like that ever happens again, I will protect you. And if I can’t protect you, I will heal you. I will stitch your wounds, and mend your broken bones, because putting pieces back together is what I do best, anyway. I won’t have to be scared anymore, cause I’ll just always be there for you. Deal?” 

“Deal.” He said as he kissed you tenderly, and you felt the salty taste of his tears on your lips. 

You made your way back a couple of hours later, and were shocked to discover the Sullys were still awake. You silently stepped towards the tent where Lo’ak, Kiri and Tuk were hiding, listening in to their parents’ shouted conversation.Kiri motioned for you to come and brought her hand to her lips, urging you to be quiet. 

“This thing, this Quaritch, whatever he is, is going to walk right into here, right under Eywa’s nose.”

“I cannot, you cannot ask this. I cannot leave my people. I will not.”

“He’s hunting us, he’s targeting out family.”

“You cannot ask this!” Neytiri was furious, her screams loud and forlorn.“The children, everything they’ve ever known, the forest! THIS IS OUR HOME!”

“He had our children. He had them under his knife.” Jake’s voice was hoarse and pleading, hushed tones hiding the deep hopelessness echoed in his words. 

“My father gave me this bow as he lay dying, and he said ‘Protect the people’. You’re Toruk Makto!” 

“This will protect the people!”Jake’s voice was raised now, no longer poised, no longer holding back. “Quaritch has Spider, and that kid knows EVERYTHING! He knows our whole operation. He could bring them right in here.” 

You felt annoyed at how quick Jake was to assume Spider would betray this family, the only family he’s ever known. Spider was a loud mouth, and he was just as reckless as Lo’ak, but he had a good heart. A strong heart. He is loyal and loves the Sullys and this clan more than he loves his own life, and you thought Jake knew that. 

“If the people harbour us, they will die. Do you understand?”

“Look, I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no plan. But I can protect this family. That I can do. And I do know one thing. Wherever we go, this family is our fortress.”

So many thoughts engulfed your mind, so many emotions flooded your being, one more extreme and agonising than the next, but almost like a joke brought about by the universe, the only thing that rang supreme was the realisation the Tiongli was going to get to be Tsa’hik after all.

Taglist (thank you ily x) @changing7 @erenjaegerwifee @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @winchestertitties @puffb4ll @rebeccao03 @ultimatebluff @cottoncandy23 @zaddyneteyamlovergirl @n3t3y4msm4t3 @loquatious-josephi-krakousky

[ghostfanwriter]

𝐃𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐇𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟔

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My Masterlist 🩷

🧰 Pairing: Joel Miller x Virgin!Reader

💖 Setting: Lincoln. Bill, Frank and Joel are all the age they are when they're having lunch in ep03, don't ask me the timeline, just pretend they're still that young in 2023.

🧰 Synopsys: Bill and Joel have an unexpected encounter while outside Lincoln, and Joel sees you under Bill's gaze for the first time.

💖 Word count: 6.5k

🧰 Author's note: It's insane how long this series is taking me, but I'm really, really happy to know that some of you still love it. It means a lot and I love you all so much 🩷 🫶🏻

Joel wouldn't be honest if he said he was looking forward to this. Not only because Bill is a very closed man — they both were — but also because he felt like Bill somehow knew what he's done. Like he could hear Joel's thoughts and watch his memories.

And he couldn't stop thinking about you as they drove away from Lincoln. He couldn't not think about you, about how he kissed you, how he touched you, his growing feelings for you. The more he tried not to think about you, the more you took over him.

"You said you've let everything where you've found them, right? Are the stores near one another?" Bill breaks the deafening silence.

Joel almost sighs in relief. Any conversation would be better than thinking about you when he was certain that your dad could read his mind.

"Yeah." Joel cleans his throat. "The stores are near one another. I didn't wanna leave everything together and have someone come by and see it." He says and Bill looks at him. "You never know. A lot of the things I've found need electricity and fuel. If someone saw them they'd wait for whoever wanted them. Whoever could use them." He adds, and your dad nods.

"That's better, yeah." Bill agrees.

They go silent for a while, and Joel's tiredness allows him to not think about you as he looks out the window.

"Did you talk to Tess?" Bill asks and Joel breathes deeply, taking a while to respond.

Silence would be better.

"I did. She called on the radio the other day." He sighs, readjusting himself on his seat. "She doesn't think about leaving the QZ." He adds when Bill doesn't say anything else.

Bill grunts in response, confusing himself with how disappointed the news got him.

He never before thought about having other people in Lincoln, but as him and Frank age, he started worrying about leaving you all by yourself.

Especially because he knows how much happier you two got after Frank arrived, how miserable he would've been if he had never found you. He doesn't want you to experience loneliness.

"But she said she'd keep the deal if I wanted to stay." Joel says, and Bill frowns.

"And you'd stay without her?" He asks, confused.

"Unless you have a problem with that." Joel shrugs, his tone unreadable but not confrontational.

"Aren't you two a couple?" Your dad asks, confused.

Maybe that's the first truth Joel owes Bill.

"We aren't... Together anymore." Joel sighs, and Bill looks at him. "We haven't been for a few years now."

"I didn't know that." Bill says, his posture tensing as he thinks about how close you and Joel seemed the last few days.

It's not like they were trying to hide it. Tess told you when you met that she and Joel were just friends. But Bill's guard was so high that day that he forgot about the details about their relationship.

"We're just business partners now." He says.

"Do you think about staying without her?" Your dad insists, and Joel moves his neck, as if trying to crack it, to release some of the tension this conversation is bringing him.

"I'm thinking about it." Joel admits.

"Alright." Bill says, looking uncomfortable.

"Is the offer still up without Tess?" Joel insists, his tone still unreadable, but calm.

Bill shakes his head. "I don't know." He says, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. "I thought you were with Tess, and... With my daughter at home..."

"I know." Joel agrees. He knows.

He knows the feeling of never trusting anyone enough to let them alone with his daughter.

And he feels like he broke Bill's trust, like he did the one thing he couldn't.

And he feels bad, he feels like curling into a ball, like telling Bill the truth so he punches him until he forgets what he's done with you. Because that's what he'd do to the man that dared to touch his Sarah.

After a few seconds your dad sighs. "I'm sorry but this changes everything. I thought you two would stay, stay with her after Frank and I—" he cuts himself when his voice starts cracking.

"No, it's okay. I get it." Joel says, and Bill looks at him.

"I'm not saying you can't stay. I just... I need to think about it first. Need to talk to her and Frank, see how they feel about it." Bill says honestly, his mind racing as he tries to follow Frank's request to be nicer to Joel.

"Sure." Joel nods, looking out the window and commiting to silence until they get to their destination.

...

No long after, they see the stores in the distance, the streets around them dirty, empty and quiet, a sense of uneasiness on the air, the certainty that danger hides in the shadows.

"We should continue by feet. At least if something happens we don't lose the truck." Joel suggests, and Bill nods, slowing the car, looking for a place to hide it.

They leave the truck and walk silently until the first store.

"I left this here." Joel says, touching a red wooden panel that's partially blocking the main door, a subtle mark perfectly aligned from the door to the panel. "To see if anyone would touch it." He adds, and Bill looks at him. "No one did." He finishes, and they walk in.

"What's in this one?" Bill asks, looking around, his rifle in hand, and Joel takes a note out of his back pocket, reading him the list he's made.

They take everything out of the stores, working together and fast so they can get out of there as quickly as possible.

When there's just one store left, Joel goes to it while Bill brings the truck closer to where they've placed everything.

...

Bill's struggling to place some heavy tools on the back of his truck when a gunshot near him makes him jump. He draws his gun and turns around, almost stepping on a dead stalker's body that's unexpectedly close to him and the truck.

He looks in the stores direction, his heart racing. He finds Joel holding his shotgun, a simultaneously worried and relieved expression in his face as his shoulders fall back down.

An infected, mere inches away from him. And he didn't notice it, he didn't even hear it. If Joel weren't there with him, looking at him... he could be dead right now. He would be dead right now.

It numbs him for a while. He leans on the truck, catching his breath and trying to calm himself.

Joel comes close and touches his shoulder firmly.

"Are you ok?" He asks, and your dad nods, his eyes wide and scared as he looks at Joel. "Did it touch you?" Joel asks, looking at Bill's arms.

"No." Your dad responds shaking his head, his voice weak. He clears his throat before continuing. "No, it didn't. You shot it before it got too close." He says nodding, his tone grateful.

"Yeah, but I almost didn't." Joel says in a warning tone. "I shot it as soon as I turned to look at you. Didn't you hear it coming close to you?" Joel asks, a clear worry in his eyes.

"Thank you." Your father says dryly, more like he's asking Joel to drop it than actually thanking him.

Joel nods, respecting Bill and giving him space, taking a step back and pulling the infected body away from the truck so they can keep packing up.

...

They finish what they had to do in silence, Bill always looking behind his shoulders and Joel always checking on him.

Seeing how startled ana scared Bill still was, Joel insisted on driving them back home, and so they did in silence, both with their heads full of worries, all of them related to you.

They arrive and park the truck in front of the garage, unloading the truck. Not a word spoken about what happened.

"Hey, boys!' Frank enthusiastically greets the two tired men, and Joel turns instantly, expecting to see you. But he turns back around as soon as he sees that Frank's by himself, offering him a small smile.

"Hey." They say together, and Frank tilts his head at how weird them both seem.

"Is everything alright? You've found everything, did something happen?" He asks, and Bill looks at Joel, who's focused on unloading the truck and not getting in between them.

If Bill doesn't say anything about what happened, he won't either.

"Yeah, alright." Bill dismisses Frank, putting on a smile to mask any tension. "We've brought your paint! We can start working on the houses, the boutique!" He says, and Frank finds his sudden enthusiasm in renovating the facades suspicious.

"Joel?" Frank calls, looking past Bill, and Joel closes his eyes, taking a subtle deep breath before turning around.

"Frank." He nods.

"What the fuck happened?" He asks. "I thought you two would arrive at least happy that you came back home safe, happy to have found everything you were looking for." He says, frustrated.

"We are." Joel says. "But it's not like going shopping. You see things you didn't wanna see, you're tense and worried all the time." He says, not giving space for further questioning, and Frank lowers his guard, looking almost embarrassed by his impatience.

"Ugh, you're right, I'm sorry. My head's full, I'm..." He looks at Joel and cuts himself, turning to Bill, touching his arm. " Sorry, love, why don't we go inside, we can unload the truck later." He tells Bill, who nods and turns to Joel, an appreciative look in his eyes.

"Leave it, Joel. Go get some rest, we'll do this later. I'm gonna take a shower, you should do the same." He says, and Joel follows them inside the house.

You've finished washing the underwear Joel's brought you. He told you to wash them thoroughly, and so you did, carefully washing each piece, looking at them, imagining what you'd look like with them on.

The thought of wearing such revealing pieces, of being so exposed to him — all while he'd probably still be fully clothed — makes you feel your insides warm up.

You run two fingers through your folds and moan at how wet you are. At how wet just thinking about him got you. You run circles around your clit, slow, light and controlled at first, then deeper and stronger as you get closer — just like he taught you.

But your arm gets tired before you get anywhere, and you moan in frustration.

So you remove the small shower head from it's hose and partially block the water flow, directing the pressured water to your clit, moaning with the sensation. And your mind goes right back to Joel.

His broad back, his warm chest, his rough hands running up and down your sides. The soft skin of his cock pressing against your clit, the praisings he whispered on your ears while he touched you.

How softly and gently he talked to you while making you cum, how good and overwhelming it feels to experience pleasure with someone else.

To experience pleasure with him.

You're holding back your moans as well as you can when you hear footsteps coming closer to your bathroom door, and you freeze, your heart slamming against your chest.

"Baby?" You hear Joel's soft voice calling, and your fingers instantly return their needy circles.

"Joel..." You moan in response, seeing his shadow under the door. He starts moving the doorknob, but suddenly rushes away from the door.

You imagine him walking in, the face he would've made when he saw you like this, how wet you are for him, how ready you are for him, how much you want him inside you, how he could just do it right there...

How tired he probably is, how much you just want to make him feel better and appreciated for everything he's doing for all of you, how you just want him inside your mouth...

You cum, his name choked on your throat as your legs stiffen, your walls convulsing desperately around nothing, and you do your best to not scream nor fall down on the slippery floor.

...

As he goes up stairs to his bedroom, he stops before your bedroom door. No sounds from your dads. He goes into your bedroom, following the steam coming from your bathroom. He stops right in front of the door, your low hums and moans making him close his eyes.

It brings him back to that other night, feeling you underneath his body, your skin so soft and warm, the citric and flowery smell of your neck, the way your hands are still learning how to behave, where to touch him, how to scratch his skin, how to run your fingers through his hair, how your tongue is still learning to explore his mouth, how goddamn curious and eager you are to learn how to share intimacy with him. How responsive you are to his touches.

"Baby?" He softly calls you, his brain painting the torturous and irresistible picture of what you're doing in there.

"Joel..." You moan back, and the sound makes him grunt under his breath, turning the doorknob.

But before he opens the door, he hears a squeak coming from the stairs, and rushes out of your bedroom, closing the door and quickly making his way down the hallway to his own bedroom.

"Joel?" Bill calls as soon as Joel reaches his bedroom door, his heart is beating so fast he's certain your dad can hear it.

"Hey." He responds, turning around and trying to hide his heavy breathing.

"What happened today... We're gonna keep it down. They don't need to know." Bill says. "Ever." He emphasizes.

"They won't hear it from me." Joel agrees, and Bill awkwardly stands there, like he's gathering the courage to speak.

"And I'm sorry I said you weren't invited to move in by yourself. You are. Not just because you saved me... but because I'm getting old. I didn't even hear the damn thing coming near me." He says in a hushed whisper, his voice getting caught in his throat. "They can't even dream that it happened. And I need someone to look after them when I can't anymore. Someone to look after her." He says firmly.

"I think you've taught her enough to handle herself." Joel reassures him.

"She's never been in real danger, Joel." Your dad chuckles. "She's a good hunter, a good shooter, she's good in body combat. She helped me take those raiders down, but she doesn't know how this world works." Bill sighs, letting his worries out for the first time.

"To be fair, no one knows." Joel shrugs, seeing the worry and protectiveness in Bill's eyes. "And she's not a child, Bill. You've taught her enough for her to look after herself." Joel insists, trying to ease some of your dad's distress.

"She's safe as long as she's in here, Joel." Bill sighs. "But I'd like to know that there's someone here with her. Someone I know can keep her safe. And after today... I know you can." He says, his heart swelling just to imagine you being all alone. "She looks like an adult but... She's just a child, Joel. She only knows me and Frank, life inside these fences..." Bill says, and Joel's heart sinks.

For the first time he's talking to your dad about you, and for the first time he's seeing you under Bill's light. He's seeing you as a secluded, inexperienced and naive twenty three year old girl who never had the chance to mature normally, who fell for the first unknown man she ever saw.

The realization sours his expression, it makes him not trust himself, not wanna stay, it makes him wish Bill got upstairs quicker and caught him in your bedroom. It makes him feel sick to remember the things he's done to you, how at the time it felt like intimacy and love, when in reality he should've taken things much... much slower with you.

When his mind goes to Sarah his eyes start to well up, and he's unable to respond to your dad, who silently watches his inner turmoil.

"I don't want you to feel like you owe me this, Joel. You don't. You could have just let me die back there and come back here with a tragic story to tell them. I'm the one in debt with you, but I'm willing to trust you to take care of things, if you choose to stay. I'll talk to her and Frank. You already have my yes." Your dad finishes, sinking Joel further into his misery.

"Thank you, I'll think about what you said." Joel manages to say, nodding and turning back to his bedroom. "Oh." His voice breaks when he turns back to your dad. "The guns are downstairs, on the dinner table." He says, not able to look Bill in the eyes.

"Oh yeah, sure, hum... thank you. But I was thinking you could keep them? At least until tomorrow." He says.

"Why?" Joel asks, his eyes meeting Bill's.

"Well, the last time I went hunting was before you arrived, and there's not a lot left for all of us. So I was thinking we could go hunting tomorrow morning." Bill invites him, the shyest smile appearing on his face. "I mean, I know you got an hell of an aim." He chuckles softly.

"Yeah, sure." Joel agrees, ready to help. "We'll go." He offers your dad a faint smile before going into his bedroom.

He goes to his bathroom, removing his clothes while he thinks about your dad's proposal.

This is what he wanted. To stay. To stay with you. He doesn't see it as a burden, no. He has Bill's green light to move in, to be part of your life. But he knows he only has it because your dad doesn't know about anything.

The fact that he invited him to move in just proves how oblivious Bill is to everything that's happened between you two. How well you kept it a secret, after all.

But he also knows that it only has to be a secret because he moved too fast. Because he couldn't battle his own desires, and now he can't tell your dad the truth without breaking his trust completely.

He turns on the shower, hoping the warm water will help clear his mind.

When you're done showering you hang your new lingerie around your bathroom and lock the door, knowing it's the only room in the house your dad doesn't have the key to.

You go downstairs to Frank's studio, where he's using the last few minutes of sunlight to work on the base for Sarah's painting.

"It looks amazing already." You smile, kissing the top of his head.

You sit outside his studio, taking the guitar, and you notice him looking at you with a smile.

You start playing the guitar, confidently touching the strings when you see Joel walking in, his hair slicked back, it's wetness shinning under the sunset light.

He sits besides you and starts laughing softly.

"What?" You laugh back. "Is it too horrible?"

"No — laughs — no, baby, it's not." He says, barely holding his smile, even after letting the nickname slip. "It's just a bit... out of tune." He says softly, choking back his laughter.

"Oh, THANK GOD!" Frank playfully yells.

"Dad!" You yell back, laughing, feeling your cheeks burn.

"Oh, my dove, I'm so sorry, but it was a tough afternoon." He says laughing, and Joel looks back at you, his eyes scrunching with his smile.

"Can I?" Joel asks softly, asking for the guitar.

"Well, yeah, I guess. Or my dad might throw himself into the fence or a trap." You playfully pretend to be sad.

"Uh! I never said that out loud!" Frank gasps, defending himself, sounding overly offended, and you shoot him a playfully angry look.

You hand Joel the guitar, and he starts adjusting the things at the top of it while you curiously watch it over his shoulder.

"This is where you tune it." He says, quickly taking his eyes off the instrument and looking back at you, your faces accidentally almost touching.

"And how do I know it's good enough?" You ask, pulling back a bit.

"When it's not sounding like that anymore." Frank says, his voice cut by his own laughter.

"DAaAD!" You yell again, laughing, feeling your cheeks in fire.

"Frank leave her alone!" Bill says when he passes by, sounding like a dad scolding his child for messing with their sibling.

"You don't even know what's going on!" Frank protests.

"Well, I know you're bothering her." Bill says, giving you a gentle kiss at the top of your head before leaving, his smile clear in his voice.

"I'm sorry, love, I'll stop." Frank tells you, getting up and coming to kiss the top of your head too before following Bill. "I always knew she was your favorite." He playfully tells Bill.

"You'll get the hang of it with time." Joel says, gaining back your attention after your parents disappear. "But also... It won't sound as bad as it did just now." He laughs, and you playfully kick his leg.

"Stop it." You laugh, looking at the small book he got you, searching for the part about getting the guitar ready.

He finishes adjusting it and starts playing a slow and mellow melody, and you recognize it as the one of the songs you played on the piano the first night he's spent with you.

"You already knew it?" You ask, looking at him with a smile.

"It keeps playing in my mind. Everytime I think about that night." He whispers with an even softer smile, and you shy away from his eyes. "Did we ever... Cross a line, you think?" He asks softly, his gaze falling, and you look back at him, frowning.

"Why?" You ask, confused.

"Do you think?" He insists, his tone serious.

"No. We only did what we both wanted to do. No lines to be crossed." You reassure him confidently.

"You promise you'll say if we ever do?" He asks, his eyes reddening.

"I promise." You respond with an empathetic smile. "But I know you won't ever make me feel bad." You whisper tenderly next to his ear, touching your cheek to his shoulder.

"Thank you." He smiles at you, pressing his head tenderly against yours. "I wanna show you a song." He says, changing the chords he's playing on the guitar.

An even mellower and softer melody occupies the room, his fingers skillfully working through the chords. He closes his eyes and you see a tear falling down his cheek.

You gently wipe it away. "What's so special about this one?" You whisper softly.

"I used to play it for Sarah." He says, his eyes still closed. "She loved it... She was almost learning it when..." He stops himself, his voice breaking, and you caress his back.

"It's ok." You whisper. "It's ok if you want to cry about it, I'm here with you." You say softly, and he looks at you, his eyes wet and a faint but honest smile in his lips.

He continues playing the melody, and you quietly start humming it. "She also liked to hum along with it... She said it helped her memorize the chords." He says, looking down at you, his smile slightly wider.

You stop humming instantly, your eyes wide. "I'm sorry... I... I didn't know." You say, feeling bad for invading their memory.

"No, it's fine. She'd love to sing along to it with you." He says, his voice lower and deeper, emotion dripping from it.

You smile. "Thank you, I know we'd have a lot of fun together. The three of us." You say, your eyes locked on his, and they water even more at your words.

"We would." He smiles softly. "She'd love you." He says, his voice shaking with the thought of having you and Sarah by his side. Of experiencing all those loves at the same time, the paternal love he has for her and the romantic, passionate love he feels for you.

You take your camera, standing in front of him and taking a picture of him playing the guitar.

"Stop that." He chuckles.

"But you look so good playing it." You playfully defend yourself, looking at the photo and smiling.

"You know, there's one thing your dad never got you, and it shows." He says, and you tilt your head. "Glasses." He laughs.

"Oh, yeah, so I could see your beauty even better." You smile, sitting back by his side, scooting closer to him and turning the camera to the two of you. "C'mon, say cheese." You smile widely, taking the picture.

Your face softens when you see the photo: You're with your wide and typical smile, and Joel's looking adoringly down at you, his eyes scrunched and a silly smile on his lips.

You look up at him, hoping he can see in your eyes all of the things you're still not sure you can tell him. Hoping he can read and understand all the feelings you're still learning how to feel, all the new and overwhelming sensations he's bringing into your life.

And he hopes you can see the little beam of light your presence brings to him. How you're the only one that got close to making him feel happy again.

The only one that makes him believe that he can genuinely feel happy and fulfilled again.

...

Not long after he followed Bill, Frank calls the two of you to have dinner, and you sit across from each other at the table.

You all eat while talking about all the renovations you're gonna do on the facades, on your house. It feels good to see your dads excited again, to see the smile on Joel's face.

And you think to yourself that this is what life should feel like. This is what it will feel like, after you and Joel talk to your dad and he lets Joel stay.

This.

The happy and satisfied smiles of your parents, Joel's feet caressing yours under the table. Soon Joel shamelessly displaying his affection to you.

You're meant to feel all these loves, from your parents and your lover. And hopefully you're on the right way to have them.

After dinner you say goodnight to your parents and discreetly call Joel to your bedroom.

"Baby?" He calls you a few minutes later, after locking the door, confused by not seeing you in your bed. You open your bathroom door, wearing a lingerie set he got you and a thin, silky robe that hugs your body perfectly.

"Hi, Joel." You smile, walking towards him, feeling confident and womanly in the outfit, especially with the way his eyes are roaming around your figure, his chest raising and falling heavily.

But when you reach him he looks at your face and his eyebrows glue together.

"Baby... Take this off." He says, his voice low and husky. And you undo the robe's tie, but he holds your hand. "No, baby... Get changed. In the bathroom. Put your pajamas on." He says, kissing your forehead and going to sit on your bed.

"Ok." You agree, confused, going to your bathroom and putting your pajamas on. A set with a t-shirt and pants.

You get changed and come back to bed, sitting by his side. "You didn't like it?" You ask, feeling insecure after his reaction.

"No! No, baby, it's not that, I... I loved it, you looked beautiful." He smiles weakly at you. And you notice a glint in his eyes that's only ever there when you talk about Sarah.

"Are you alright?" You whisper, scooting closer to him, your hand going to his lower back.

He nods.

"Have you tried any of the clothes I brought you?" He changes the subject, turning a little so he's almost facing you and tenderly pulling your hair behind your ear.

"Not yet. They're still wet." You say, gently brushing away some food crumbs from his shirt, making his heart soften a bit because of how tender and small the gesture is.

This is what he loves about you. Your small and caring gestures that remind him that you're there, that you care for him. Like how you always softly pinch his arm or his side whenever you walk past him.

Reminding him he has you now.

"Did you like the new clothes?" He smiles, cupping your face, his thumb caressing your cheek.

"Uhum. I loved them." You smile sweetly, leaning into his hand and closing your eyes and just feeling his touch for a few seconds. "Joel?" You whisper, your eyes still closed.

"Hmm?" He responds gently, his soft gaze locked on your face.

"Can we lay down a bit?" You ask, feeling your cheeks warm up under his touch, and you find a silly smile on his lips when you open your eyes.

"Alright." He agrees softly. "Just for a bit. I gotta wake up early tomorrow." He says before kicking his boots away and laying on your bed. You crawl on top of him, laying on his chest, and he wraps his arms around you, kissing the top of your head.

You two just lay together for a few minutes, allowing your breathings to sync and enjoying each other's warmth, all of your hands busy tenderly caressing each other's skin.

You love this. You love having someone to hold, someone to hold you. You used to always snuggle with your dads, but eventually you'd all go to bed and you'd stay alone, somehow never feeling warm even with layers and layers of blankets suffocating you. You love having Joel like this.

And Joel loves it too. To have someone to silently share this much with, to feel this comfortable and this vulnerable with. Someone to look after, to protect, to make him feel like he's not just waiting for time to pass, but that he has a reason to continue. A reason to leave the QZ, a reason to try again and do things right, to talk to your dad the next morning, explain to him that he has feelings for you, but that he wants him to know it all before moving forward, before accepting to move in. Before touching you again.

A reason to try and make it work, even though his chances are almost nonexistent.

"What are you gonna do tomorrow morning?" You curiously ask.

"Huh?" He asks, furrowing his brows.

"You said you can't stay for too long because you gotta wake up early." You explain, playing mindlessly with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Oh, yeah. Your dad called me to go hunting tomorrow morning." He says, a small smile on his lips.

"Really?" You ask. Your dad takes hunting very seriously, and he'd never take someone he doesn't trust with him.

"Uhum." He says. "At first light."

"How can you always wake up in time? I can never do it, he always has to wake me up when we go hunting." You say, and he pulls your hair away from the side of your face, gently caressing it and your scalp.

"You get used to it eventually. And I never sleep well anyway, so I'm always just half asleep. The sun comes in and it wakes me up." He explains.

"Well, but you used to always be late." You almost giggle and he looks down at you, frowning. "You got a watch for your birthday." You explain, smiling, and he looks at it.

"Yeah." He chuckles. "I actually already had it, Sarah just fixed it for me." He smiles. "I was always home later than I said I'd be." He says, his smile souring. "I... I'd never spend enough time with her, I'd always leave the house early with her, when she went to school, and come back much later than her." He says.

"But you were working, weren't you?" You ask, confused by his guilty tone.

"I was." He says. "But... It's ok, I don't wanna talk about it." He smiles softly.

"Are you sure? It feels like you never talk about her." You say gently, trying not to push his boundaries.

"Talking ain't gonna bring her back, baby. It's just gonna remind me of everything I did wrong to her." He says, a hint of bitterness and shame in his voice.

"Don't you wanna talk about all the good things you did to her?" You suggest, noticing how much he has bottled up about his life before the outbreak. About how much he seems to focus on what he did wrong, what he lost.

"The only good things I did for her was love her like I've never loved anyone before and provide for her." He says. "And not even the providing part I did right."

"What do you mean?" You ask, looking up at him, your stomach touching his as you gently caress his hair, your chin resting on his chest.

"She asked me for two things on my birthday. Three actually. Pancakes for breakfast, and I forgot to buy the pancake mix. A cake, and I forgot to buy it. And for me to come home early, and work kept me busy until late." He says, his eyes focused on the roof. "Those were the three last things she ever asked me for, and I didn't do any of them." You see his eyes glisten.

"But you didn't do any of them on purpose. And you didn't know it was your last day with her." You comfort him. "And if you think about it... You were protecting her in a way." You say, and he looks down at you, puzzled. "The fungus got spread through flour and sugar, didn't it? The pancake mix and the cake could've been contaminated." You say, and he frowns, looking back up.

Then he chuckles, his eyes welling up.

"I've never looked at it that way." He says, and you smile, believing that he's happy with the new perspective. "I was better at protecting her by accident than when I actually needed to." He says, a single tear falling from his eye.

"Why?" You whisper, your smile melting, and he frowns, all the thoughts, guilt and shame he's felt all day bubbling up along with the all the feelings he carries from Sarah's death.

"I... I couldn't move, I... I shouldn't have..." He starts, tears starting to flow down his cheeks, his chest moving frantically with his crying, his body shaking, his eyes wide and fixated on a single spot on the ceiling. "I told him... I... But she wasn't infected." He stutters between heavy breaths.

You get off him, lying sideways by his side and pulling his head to your chest, hugging him.

"Hey... Let's take it slow... Don't do this to yourself." You say softly, trying to soothe him, running your hands through his hair and caressing his back.

He snuggles close to you, his head pressed against your chest and his arms wrapped tightly around you, like he's found the comfort he so desperately needed.

You stay silent until his breathing steadies, shushing and tenderly keeping him tightly into your arms.

"She..." He starts after a few minutes. "She hurt her ankle when we were running away from an infected. I... I told the guard she was hurt, but not infected. She wasn't infected." He says, drenching your pajamas shirt, and your own eyes start watering. "I shouldn't have said she was hurt... I... The way I was holding her, I was almost using her a shield." He says, his voice barely intelligible as his grip on you tightens almost painfully.

"But you weren't doing it on purpose, Joel. You'd never do that." You reassure him, seeing the guilt and shame he feels from it.

"I was better at getting her killed than at killing myself." He cries, and you caress his hair, noticing the scar on his forehead.

"I'm so sorry, Joel." You really are. It hurts to imagine how much he's suffered. The scar you're caressing in his forehead proof of just how much.

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me, angel." He says, almost bitterly, and you brush it off, knowing this is a complex topic for him.

"Joel... — deep breath — I don't understand all the feelings I feel for you yet. A lot of them are still so new to me." You say. "But I feel so much for you. And I am sorry for you. You didn't deserve to go through any of this." You say, gently but firmly, making it clear to him that you're not gonna let him push you away.

And there goes his walls again.

The walls he built so fast and spent so long fortifying, the walls you somehow crumble so easily, so effortlessly. He still doesn't understand it; how you can do it every time, how easily you can make him open up to you.

How he, that's so used to provide and protect everyone, also has the need to feel protected, to feel safe in someone's arms. In your arms.

"She was lucky to have you." You reassure him softly, caressing his hair, looking into his vulnerable and big brown eyes.

"No, she wasn't." He says, looking away from you, burying his face on your chest shamefully.

"She was." You insist.

"I couldn't even protect her... How could she be lucky?" He almost snarls, his tone new to you, making you flinch, his eyes cold and blank all over again.

Breath, take it slow, it's not personal. He's just not used to talk about this.

"She had you, and now I have you too, and I'm lucky to have you." You say, trying to keep your tone soft and gentle.

"You're not lucky to have me, baby." He says, his crying becoming more heartfelt, more intense.

"Of course I am, Joel... You make me feel special, and good. In a way I've never felt before. My dads love me, but they're supposed to. Not you. You decided to love me. You didn't have to." You smile down at him, tenderly wiping his tears away while a few of your own stream down your cheeks.

"No, baby, no." He says, shaking his head. "You're... I should never have done any of the things I did to you." He cries, his tone shameful and apologetic.

"What do you mean?" You ask, trying not to get hurt by the regret in his words.

"Baby you're... You're a kid... I shouldn't have even looked at you the way I did." He says. "You're younger than Sarah would be today—" His crying cuts his words.

"No, Joel, no.... don't do this to me, please." You cry, for the first time being affected by his words. "You're the first person I've ever met that treated me like an adult. I don't want you to talk to me like I'm a child." You say, begging him to see you as a woman, not as a sheltered and defenseless girl.

"I should have taken it slow... I shouldn't have lied to your parents, I... I can't even look at Bill. I feel like I've crossed the one line I couldn't." He says.

"Joel, if it depended on my dad I'd never do anything. I wouldn't even leave this house! He gets worried when I go to the crops by myself, and I never leave these fences." You say. "You never did anything I didn't want you to do." You reassure him.

"But what if you don't know what you want, baby?" He asks, hugging you tighter. "What if you only see me the way you do because I was the first man to walk through those gates?" He asks you, letting his fears and guilt take over.

"Joel, you make me happy... You make me happy in a way I haven't felt in a long time." I cry. "My life was just do my chores, cook and... And nothing else. You make me want to do more, you make me want to take care of you, to get out of my bed. You're good for me." You say. "I've never felt this way." You say, honesty coating your words.

"And you make me feel in a way I thought I'd never feel again, baby. You make me feel like I'm not just waiting for my time to come... Like I have a purpose again. I wanna keep you happy, safe, taken care of." He smiles, squeezing you even tighter. "I wanna go out and look for the things you want, I wanna hunt so I know you're well fed, I wanna hold you at night so I know you've slept well..." He says, his eyes once again soft and warm, a vulnerability you've never seen in them before.

"I want you to stay here, Joel. With me." You whisper, tears flowing down your cheeks.

"You know I can't sleep here, baby." He smiles gently.

"No... I don't mean just right now. I mean... Stay here with me." You say. "I know it's selfish, but I want you to stay." You cry.

"Baby..." He says, unsure if he should tell you about the conversation he had with your dad.

"I know... I know. Just stay here right now, for a little bit more." You not wanting to think about the day he has to go back to the QZ.

He smiles, wrapping his arms even tighter around you.

"Of course, baby. I'll stay for a bit." He says, snuggling against your chest, and you caress his hair, soothing him.

"Thank you for letting me in." You whisper.

"You gave me no choice." He smiles. "You made it impossible to not wanna let you in, baby." He whispers back.

"I'm sorry, then." You giggle, still running your fingers through his hair.

"Thank you for being so... You." He smiles, his gaze going from your eyes to your lips, and you kiss his lips lightly, moaning when he licks them, deepening the kiss.

He chuckles and pulls back, his thumb caressing your back.

"We're gonna do this right this time." He says firmly yet gently. "I'm gonna talk to your dad. We're gonna go on a hunt early tomorrow, and I'm gonna talk to him."

"You are?" You ask, a mix of excitement and apprehension in your voice and eyes.

"I will. At least if he kills me I'm gonna be far from here and you won't see it." He chuckles, and you laugh.

"Oh, God, don't even joke with that." You laugh, a genuine concern behind your smile as you hug him tighter.

"We're gonna do it right." He reaffirms. "We're not gonna do anything else until your dad knows about us." He says. "But you gotta promise me you're gonna keep what already happened between us a secret." He says, looking deep into your eyes.

"I promise." You smile. "It's gonna be like nothing happened."

"My good girl." He smiles, kissing your neck, his right hand squeezing your hip teasingly.

"Hmmm... Joel..." You moan at his words and his touch. "Don't make this harder than it has to be." You say, your hips instinctively rolling against him.

"Alright." He agrees, his hand going back to your upper back, pressing you against him. "I mean it. We're gonna go slow, make this special to you." He smiles.

"You already make everything special." You smile, pulling his hair back and touching your lips to his forehead, gently caressing his scalp with your whole hand and your fingers.

You two lay into each other's embrace. Uncertainty and concern battling with excitement and hope for what's to come, for how your dad's gonna react, for what life's gonna be like with each other.

And under each other's warmth you both fall asleep. Your best sleep in long time. Joel's most peaceful night since... ever.

A comfortable slumber that's interrupted only by Joel's heavy breathing underneath you and a warm sunlight coating your bedroom.

A shadow suddenly blocks the sunlight, and you sleepily open your eyes, seeing what... Or who... Is blocking it.

Fuck.

I'm so sorry for this, besties. The next chapter is the last official one for this series, the bomb is ticking.

Please don't forget to tell me your thoughts, the second most fun after writing is reading what y'all have to say about it.

Ily, have the best day 🩷🩷🫶🏻

[nightlyrequiem]

Again and Again and Again

Cross posted from AO3

Valeria wants you back, but you're in need of convincing. It's a good thing she just so happens to be there in time to save you when you're attacked in an alley.

Tags/Warnings: Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Harassment, Unhealthy Relationship, WLW, No smut

There are flowers on your doorstep. Delicate, velvety petals beam up at you like you are the sun. It's a bouquet; lilies, peonies, starflowers, and a rose. All tied up together in an innocent white ribbon. The soft, vibrant flowers look out of place against the weathered wood of your door. There's no note attached but you don't need one to know who sent them. You've been seeing Valeria on and off for five years, and every time you two split she makes a habit of trying to buy back your affection. With how often (and violently) you two fight, you'd think you'd learn that you aren't compatible.

But the heart wants what it wants and no matter how many times you leave her your heart continues to sing for hers. You pick up the bouquet and go inside. Shutting and locking the door behind you. You set them on a side table littered with other gifts. Wilted flowers. Small dark velvet boxes holding rings and necklaces. Gift bags containing clothes you had eyed while still with her. She'd buy you the world but the one thing she'll never give you is an apology.

You toss your work bag to the ground nearby and plop yourself down on your old, second-hand couch. You think it was originally white, but now it's a more of a light beige. It's stained in some places and on the right a spring has come loose and stabbed up through the fabric. It's not the best couch but beggars can't be choosers. You glance at the top corner. Seemingly overnight a spiderweb appeared. You make a mental note to get rid of it later. You fold your legs up beneath you and take out your phone. Valeria had sent you a message five hours ago. Something along the lines of asking you to come home. She sent another one almost two months ago threatening to kill you if you continued to ignore her.

You do a routine check of all your socials. Not paying much mind to the threat or the plea. You've been doing this for a long time, and you know she's mostly full of shit. It's uncomfortably hot. Sweat builds up under your arms and on the back of your knees. The weather is truly atrocious. You'd think that it would be mandatory for all buildings to be built with an AC in Mexico, but you were wrong. Honestly, not having one in this weather feels cruel and inhumane. Maybe that's why this place is so cheap. It makes you miss the cool air inside the villa you shared with Valeria. You miss the big soft bed. You miss a lot of things.

Doomscrolling on your phone no longer brings you any entertainment. You turn on the tv for background noise as you rise off of the couch and head into the kitchen. You don't exactly feel hungry, but you know if you don't eat you'll feel awful tomorrow, so you dig through your freezer for packaged hotdogs. You used to cook good, elaborate meals for Valeria. You let slip a small smile at the memories of trying new food with her. You just don't have the motivation anymore. You thought leaving meant you'd be better but so far all you are, is depressed.

You let them boil as you walk back into the living room. The show playing is one you don't care for, but you don't bother changing the channel. You peek out your window. There's a man standing across the street. He's not looking directly at your building, but you know he's watching. Valeria can't stand to leave you to your own devices. Every time you've moved out she's sent someone to watch you. It doesn't fail to piss you off. You turn away and go back to your hotdogs.

You have a hard time chasing sleep. You're in a mood and it's hot and the wet rag you're using to try and keep cool has already dried but left a wet patch on your bed. Unfortunately for you, it doesn't matter how sleep deprived or miserable you are. You still have work. It's not any less hot out as you walk to work the next day. Despite the sky being overcast. It's like the sun is still determined to share it's heat with the world even when it can't be seen. The only thing you have to look forward to is the air conditioning at work. You walk inside and treasure the little relief you get from the cold air.

You put on the stupid red vest that signifies to everyone that you're a worker. You walk across the smooth linoleum floors with a box of product that needs stocking. You ignore the few customers that walk by, and they ignore you in turn. You don't work when you're with Valeria. There's just no need to and she doesn't like it when you do. You used to think it was romantic but now you think it has more to do with her liking to have more control over you. It's a little harder to leave when your source of income is her. Still, you're stubborn and something as small as money isn't going to stop you from doing what you want.

Your arm is halfway raised with a can of soup when someone taps your shoulder. Your skin crawls at the contact. You wish people would realise that they don't need to touch you to get your attention. You place the can on the shelf and turn with your go-to customer service smile. It's the man from last night. You get a good look at him up close. He has a faded tattoo on his cheek and growing stubble.

"Where do you keep the produce?" He asks. He has the rough voice of a longtime smoker. He already knows where the produce is. It's practically right next to the entrance.

"It's right by the front of the store, sir." You say politely. He nods then proceeds to stare at you for a second too long before finally walking off.

You go back to stacking shelves and roll your eyes. You've almost emptied the box when the man returns with a container of strawberries and blueberries. You look at him and wait for him to speak but all he does is stare at you.

"... Can I help you, sir?" You ask.

"Yeah, I just wanted your opinion on which one is better." He replies. Shoving the berries at you rudely. Your brows twitch with annoyance.

"They're both good." You say passively. Why does he need to bother you? Is it not enough to send someone to stalk your every move?

"Okay." He walks away abruptly.

Throughout your shift the man periodically comes up to you with stupid questions. Making himself out to be a real pest. He finally leaves and you're allowed to finish the rest of your shift in peace. You take grab your things from your locker and leave. You pause before you step outside. You see fine slivers of rain hitting the dark pavement outside. Just your luck. You get to be sopping wet in the least fun way when you get home. You walk outside and feel it soak into your hair and clothes. You walk down the cracked roads surrounded by dull brick buildings. Stray dogs peer out at you from under porches. Their beady eyes following every move.

A small pack of children kick an almost deflated soccer ball through puddles. You pass by a laundry line. Whoever hung up the clothes forgot to bring them in. You're cold and tired by the time you finally reach your home. There's no gift waiting for you this time. You unlock the door and step inside, happy to be out of the rain. You set down your keys and walk towards your room to change and almost scream when you see a figure in the kitchen. You whip your head to the side. There is indeed a person sitting at your table. Her dark brown eyes meet yours as she sits calmly.

Your brows furrow.

"How did you get in here?" You ask sharply.

"It's raining pretty hard." Valeria remarks. Ignoring your question. "We don't get to see that very often, I like it." You raise your arms in an irritated gesture.

'Valeria."

"It's peaceful, remember that storm that happened last year?" She continues. Staring at you. You aren't sure what to do.

"You need to leave." You say firmly. Attempting to take control of the situation.

"The power went out, and we spent the night on the floor in the living room just watching through the window." There were candles and blankets. "It was such a romantic night."

She doesn't seem to recall the awful fight that happened right after. Valeria looks around your kitchen. It's a small space. The wooden cupboards are chipping, and the microwave doesn't work. You feel a small flash of embarrassment. As if your home doesn't live up to her high standards.

"We should do that again." She says. Resting her chin in her palm. Her hair has grown down to her shoulders since you last saw her. She's dressed casually. A tank top and jeans. A gold chain glimmers at you from around her neck, a subtle display of her wealth. "You never answered my texts."

"Because I don't want to talk to you. How did you get in here?" You ask again.

"I picked the lock." You frown. Of course she picked the lock.

"You aren't welcome here." You say firmly. Mentally preparing yourself for a fight. Valeria stands up, her mature features settle into a calm, almost relaxed expression.

You tense. Wondering if she's going to get physical.

"Alright." She murmurs. She leisurely walks around the old table and past you. Confused, you turn and follow her. She walks straight towards the front door. She pulls it open and steps outside into the rain, apparently unbothered by it. She turns to look at you. She doesn't speak but her face says it all. This isn't over. You quickly close the door and lock it. For a few minutes you just stare at the wood. Seeing her again after months is throwing you off. Although she had been sending you gifts for the last few weeks you haven't spoken with her. She had acted so calm though. No snide remarks, she didn't raise her voice. She even left without an issue.

You walk back into the kitchen and stare at the spot she was sitting in moments before. The kitchen light casts an unflattering glow on everything it touches. It makes the walls look yellow and does nothing good for your complexion. Valeria looked out of place. Maybe she changed. She's different. You chastise yourself for thinking this way as you shut off the light. You throw yourself down on your couch. Careful to avoid that out of place spring. The rain continues. Tapping against the roof and windows loudly.

__________________________________

You're temporally stunned by pain after your head makes contact with the peeling concrete of a wall. You fall to your knees, clutching the side of your face. Your heart thumps with fear as you peer up at your attacker. It's a man you don't recognize. He smells awful. Wearing unwashed baggy clothes. His teeth are ragged and there are visible sores on his face. He pulls out a knife that looks like a breeding ground for tetanus. You've always imagined what it would be like to be attacked. You'd fight back enough to flee. You'd scream loud enough to draw attention. But even though this is happening on a semi-public street, you can't do anything but tremble like a deer.

He growls something unintelligible. You shakily root around your pockets and throw your wallet at him. Hoping he goes away and leaves you mostly unharmed. Your sudden movement only seems to anger the man, however. He kicks the wallet to the side and prowls closer. Before he can reach you, his scrawny body jerks to the side after someone punches him. Valeria places herself between you and him. A few rough looking men step up from behind him. The man looks at her with wide eyes, but you don't see any fear.

"Get the fuck out of my way!" He says aggressively. Awkwardly getting to his feet. "Get out of here!" The way he says this sounds odd to your ears. Valeria subtly nods at the men behind him and they grab him. The larger one holds him by the arms while the smaller one delivers vicious blows to his stomach.

Your head throbs and the violence makes you feel unwell. Your attacker shouts and squirms. His voice high and wheezy. What are you doing? What are you doing? This isn't what you're supposed to do! Valeria turns and crouches before. You don't realise you're still clutching your head until she gently pries your hands away. She grabs your face, tilting your head to asses the damage. Her expression is serious, her dark brows furrowed.

"Are you okay?" She asks. "Do you feel dizzy?" You don't. Now that the shock is wearing off, you realise he didn't slam you head into the wall all that hard. You're definitely in pain but it could be worse, you think. You shake your head.

Valeria gently grabs your biceps.

"Can you stand?" With her help you slowly get to your feet. The two men who apprehended your attacker drag off his now unconscious body into a nearby alley. "What happened?" When you don't respond she says your name and asks again. "What happened?"

"He... I thought he was mugging me, but he didn't take my wallet." You say breathlessly. you look at your hands. They're still shaking. You've gotten into [physical spats with Valeria before but you've never felt worried for your life. You just... froze. Valeria can see the turmoil on your face and pulls you close to her warm body. Holding you against her with her hands softly petting the back of your head.

"I'm here." She murmurs. "I'm here, you're safe." Her scent is familiar and comforting. You don't question why he's here or why that man didn't just immediately stab you.

Valeria walks you back to your home.

"Take the day off." She says. Looking at you sympathetically. You return her look blankly.

"I can't." Your boss is an asshole and unless you have a doctor's note he won't let you off the hook.

"You can. I'll take care of it." Valeria replies. Giving your shoulder a squeeze. "Go inside and rest, I'll come check up on you later." She waits for you to go inside before walking off. You watch from your window.

True to her word, Valeria comes back after a few hours. You willingly let her in to talk. She did save you after all. It's the least you could do to thank her. You sit back on the couch with your knees curled to your chest. She sits down next to you.

"Are you okay?" She asks. You nod. No serious injuries. Just the memory to make you more paranoid to walk to work for the next while. Valeria places a hand on your knee. The nail polish decorating her nails in beginning to chip. "Good." The silence that follows is a little awkward. You aren't really sure what to say.

"... Thank you." You murmur. Valeria retracts her hand and looks at you intensly.

"You know I'll always be there for you, right?" She asks quietly. That makes you think.

"What were you doing down there?" You ask. You're lucky she was there but what was she doing there in the first place?

"I was coming to visit you." She says smoothly. Not needing to think about her answer.

If she was coming to see you, she chose the longer route. You don't question it.

"Oh." You rub your forehead.

"I miss you." She says. Her voice is low and vulnerable. You look at her. Throat tightening. Instead of replying you look away from her. Uncomfortable by the eye contact.

"I can keep you safe." She speaks again. "You don't belong here, you know that." She doesn't sound demanding or smug. You know her tone means nothing though. You've had this conversation before.

She grabs your hand.

"Don't you miss me too?" She whispers. You can never be too sure if her vulnerability is honest or not, but it gets under your skin anyway.

"I do miss you." You admit. Not looking at her. You miss sharing a bed, and meals, her laugh. You even miss her temper. You look back up to the corner, right at the cobweb. Getting rid of it must have slipped your mind.

"Then come home." She pleads. Moving closer to you. A small spider slowly crawls out from a crack in-between the wall and ceiling. You can't tell if the spider is venomous. You squeeze Valeria's hand. Maybe you should give her another chance. If she messes up again, you can always leave.

"Okay." You resign quietly. The fly lands in the web and gets tangled in the silk. Attracted by the struggling, the spider darts out to sink its tiny fangs into the fly's helpless body. Valeria smiles.

"I knew you'd see reason."

[archivalofsins]

All the times that Yuno has hinted at wanting the audience to give her a 50/50 or say nothing omitting other notes I have on prisoners appearance or general attitude after trial one,

"About forgiving or not forgiving people, I don't think you'll be able to choose."

People tend to project their best case scenario on others. Stating that they believe they will do x or be incapable of doing x. I.E "You wouldn't hurt me." - "You won't do that." This is usually to allude to their desires while playing on the other persons morality and character. Though it can backfire if the other party takes it as a challenge or as the person speaking saying they are inept or inadequate which Es does-

I won't let something like that pass. Are you saying that you doubt my capability to do so?

"Ah, no that's not it. It's different to what you're thinking, prison guard." "You know those people who just want to convince themselves? So, they intrude on other people's affairs even though it's not their place- I despise them."

"They only do that to make themselves feel better. Don't they? Those people don't actually end up doing anything."

"No matter how many chilling memories I had to go through... Those people never gave me any warmth."

Umbilical

"Am I a bad girl? Please don’t answer."

(-273.15°C)

"This chaotic situation you've wrought with that job of yours- Is it fun?" What are you trying to say? "Are you personally satisfied? I mean, having forgiven and not forgiven. The prison is like this now." You mean the conflicts between the prisoners? "Yep! Kotoko-san, who you forgave, went super violent and then injured people came rolling in one after the other." Later "Ah... I don't have much interest in things like ethics and morals. Doesn't your stomach not inflate?" That sounds like quite a dangerous ideology. "No, but seriously, I really do think so... That there are lots of people who think, "I have to protect ethics and morals" then end up constrained and miserable. They should just live in a more easygoing manner."

"It's not like I want to win the discussion. I'm just saying what I think."

Using the direct translation here, "Doesn't your stomach not inflate?" to highlight this is once again Yuno asking Es isn't it not satisfying doesn't this not fill you up and leave you wanting for something. One could say it doesn't give that full tingly floating on air satisfied feeling. Are morals and ethics really enough of a metric to get to satisfying conclusions is a answer necessary for a satisfying conclusion?

Though Yuno does state she would have been find with not being forgiven or found guilty,

"Even if I was scorned by you, I would have been okay with being told I wasn't forgiven. I don't believe I'm not in the wrong. I'd accept it." ... "Despite that, you arbitrarily assumed things about me and sympathized with me. Even though all I did was make a rational decision of my own free will." I'm sorry, but that's the sort of thing Milgram is.

Then, I hate Milgram.

This is a side note but I find it interesting that Yuno consistently takes attention away from the abortion point she brought up. More so focusing on her work to the point that Es is like I'm not here to judge that.

I believe it depends on the degree. "Yes, yes. Of course, I think criminal offenses fundamentally aren't good." ... "But immoral acts that don't cause anyone misfortune do exist, right? Just like sugar-daddying. Because it's been deemed ethically wrong I was hiding it but... Is someone being troubled by it? It's a win-win engagement isn't it?" - The wanted wanting the wanter. The overlap, isn’t that some sort of perfection? ... It's as I said before, I have no intent to pursue the rights and wrongs of your acts outside of murder. However, the reality is that that is connected to your murder.

Please stop bringing up things that have nothing to do with your crime but it does have to do with your crime. Yuno, literally alluding to the fact that her work was in fact hurting people just to see it go over Es' head again. Then this topic just sort of fades.

They go into talking about something else.

Es just kind of doesn't combat her statement at all when she says it's not hurting anyone. Despite that just being historically untrue about the profession she's in. Mostly because people tend to cheat on their spouses with people in Yuno's line of work all the time. Something that does negatively impact the spouse, destroy families, and also if not done safely cause considerable health risks to clients and workers alike.

What do you mean it doesn't hurt anyone?

She specifies in trial one just how much this can hurt not only the client but the worker themselves. It mostly hurts the workers since they're held to a higher moral standard than the people usually seeking them out and paying them (while at times cheating on their spouses in the process).

She discusses the harm it can cause in her first trial interrogation,

"For example news outlets. They always make a big deal out of adultery, inappropriate comments, immodesty, and so on- Right? And then they start criticizing the people who make an appearance there. Don't you think it's ridiculous?"

So, she isn't ignorant to it.

To the contrary she seems to know the harm it causes when it comes to public opinion quite well. She even states that's why she didn't disclose the fact that she did that. So, why is she pretending like it's harmless here when again in her previous voice drama the first instance of news outlets stoking controversies was in regards to adultery. Something that people can and have for a long time committed with people in Yuno's profession.

Is it a win-win situation when one party has to take more responsibility than the other if what they are doing is found out and it's never really the person with the spouse, money, or affluence getting the short end of the stick but the person with the job?

No.

Yet, Yuno points out that she doesn't have to worry about those things. She did what she did because she wanted to not because she had to in any way shape or form.

"I'm not pitiable. My family gets along super well. And I'm not particularly struggling for money. I decided, of my own free will, to do it because I felt that it was necessary for me."

So, this is as she says in Tear Drop,

"The overlap, isn’t that some sort of perfection?"

Tear Drop

"Don’t weigh me measure me against your morality." "Just shut it, will you? You know it all."

"I can’t smile well anymore. It’s because of you."

“Let’s reload the warmth.”/“Let’s just do it, please smile?”

In closing,

Yuno in Milgram constantly, "That sort of treatment won't leave me satisfied."

The audience,

"Surely if we continue to vote her innocent she'll realize that she has nothing to feel bad about that her feelings are in fact unfounded. If we just keep using radical acceptance she'll realize she can let her guard down and be happy eventually." It yells and clamors so loudly it misses the part where she said she'd be able to accept a guilty verdict more than an innocent one.

Along with the myriad of times she stated that this sort of superficial sympathy given in order to make oneself feel good because one found a reason someone was worthy enough for it in their eyes does nothing for her and that the sort of people who behave that way are the one's she hates the most.

Probably has nothing to do with that I hate Milgram statement at all. She's probably super pleased now because she's accepted the publics opinion of her into her heart and was finally won over by kindness. Yippee everyone was so nice and everything was solved~ Isn't that fantastic?

"Can you not forgive without some extreme reason? Then, alternatively, if there was some extreme reason, could you forgive?"

The reality is that such sides of the issue exist.

Even though the act itself is the same?/ ……don’t tell me, did this murder seem smaller to you than the murders of the other prisoners? Thought-provoking!

[nyaagolor]

A genuinely shocking amnt of people said they wanted to see my “Apollo backstory but it’s exclusively based on AA4” so huzzah! Self-indulgence on main! It’s under the readmore because I don’t wanna clog anyone’s dash :)

Everything starts with Thalassa because of course it does. She’s part of the Granmarye Troupe but kinda Hates It. Her father gives her very little autonomy, and she feels like they’re treating her more as an asset or employee than family. She's good at putting on a brave face but she has very little autonomy there and is completely miserable, so she sneaks out to meet with the audience sometimes to get a taste of freedom. It’s on one of these little trips that she meets Jove, who she quickly falls in love with. They continue to meet in secret, and Thalassa’s resentment for the troupe only grows. The day she turns 18, she runs away to go elope with him, not leaving a note or any indication of where she’s gone

The two of them are happily married for a year and have a child, but Jove dies in an accident (unrelated to Kuhrain in this version) only a year into their marriage. Thalassa, now a 19 year old single mom with no money and no documents, realizes the only person who can help her now is the last person she wants to see. Desperate, she calls Magnifi, who agrees to help her IF she gives up the kid and comes back to the troupe. He thinks if she still has an attachment to the child she’ll try and run away again as soon as she can (and he’s right!). Thalassa gives Apollo to the orphanage with one of her bracelets and secretly tries to keep track of him— she does plan on coming back for him as soon as she can, Magnifi be damned

Magnifi, knowing that both Zak and Valant are in love with his daughter, actively encourages the both of them to pursue her, hoping one of them will get her to fall in love and give her a reason not to leave the troupe. Zak is the one who ends up succeeding. They have Trucy together and things immediately take a turn for the worse

Thalassa immediately gets very depressed after having Trucy and nothing seems to cheer her up. She can’t stop thinking about being forced to give up her first child and the life she lost and nothing Zak does seems to help. Eventually, Magnifi steps in and says that she needs to get over it and get back to performing. To everyone’s surprise, Thalassa agrees without protest

This is when the “accident” happens. Air quotes here because surprise! It was not an accident at all. Thalassa was tired, desperate, and wanting nothing more than to go scorched earth on the entirety of Troupe Granmarye, so she loaded the gun improperly on purpose in hopes that the aftermath and scandal will bring the troupe down with her. She somehow survives, but only Magnifi knows. Not wanting news of it to escape and seeing an opportunity to hold this over Zak and Valant’s heads, he ships his amnesiac daughter off to Borgnia and tries to wipe his hands of the whole thing

While clearing through Thalassa’s things, Magnifi finds all of the information on Apollo and Jove, which he shows to Zak. Zak, who didn’t know about Apollo, feels wildly hurt by it all. He ends up projecting a lot of his feelings onto Trucy— he still loves her but becomes more distant because he’s grieving Thalassa’s death and “betrayal”

This is how Zak knows about Apollo and why he tells Phoenix about it. Phoenix does try to find Apollo as soon as he learns about him, HOWEVER, Apollo is trans and all of Thalassa’s documents have his deadname on them so they can’t be used to track him down. (By the time Phoenix realizes Apollo is the kid he’s been looking for ((via the bracelet)) he’s already broken Apollo’s trust enough that he doesn’t feel like he can safely drop that truth bomb without scaring him away. By the time Apollo DOES come to trust Phoenix, Thalassa has her memories back, at which point Phoenix feels it’s her truth to tell). Anyway.

Trucy’s story is effectively identical to canon so I don’t have much to say about that

While in the orphanage, Apollo decides he wants to be a lawyer bc he hears about Phoenix (specifically the whole thing about sticking up for people with no one on their side). He goes thru the lawyer track in HS bc that’s a canon thing in AA apparently and tests into a special fast track law program so he can save as much money on tuition as possible

Apollo works his ass off, he has a ton of jobs and works indexing night shifts for the courthouse. Everyone starts to know who he is bc he works every law related job he can no matter how miserable. This is how Kristoph finds out about him

He works all thru law school but basically all of his money goes to tuition so he goes between shitty apartments and crashing at the courthouse / work when he runs out of rent money. This is the OTHER reason everyone knows who he is and how kristoph finds out about him— he’s always loitering around the courthouse. He makes a name for himself as a hard worker, being fast + thorough with paperwork, and having an excellent eye for detail

During internship hunting season, Kristoph approaches Apollo— he greatly values a dedicated hard worker like Apollo and thinks Apollo’s abysmal financials are good leverage for manipulation. I hc that Kristoph specializes in fraud cases, so Apollo’s talents are extremely relevant to Kristoph’s interests. Kristoph’s firm is only himself because of all the illegal shit he does (less eyes less chance of being caught) so he gambles on taking in Apollo. He ends up personally fixing up Apollo’s credit score, ensuring he has proper documents, and gets him set up with a decent paycheck so he can start to develop a savings account. Apollo decides he would die for him

This continues until Kristoph plays a bad hand— he intends on having Apollo defend Phoenix in the hopes that he’ll lose so he can hang the resulting verdict over Apollo’s head to manipulate him. Turnabout Trump happens and Apollo ends up back where he started, broke and with less trust in others than he had before (which is saying a lot). During his internship with Kristoph he managed to get together a tiny rainy day fund and even started to save up for top surgery, but all that money has to be used to cover rent while he’s jobless bc of the Turnabout Trump aftermath. It’s when the money finally runs out that he answers Trucy’s phone call and agrees to work for the WAA

Canon proceeds as normal, but Apollo has extra paranoia because he’s worried all the money and documents and credit that Kristoph gave him were faked. Also, Thalassa doesn't tell Trucy and Apollo about the whole Thing because part of that would be admitting the role she played in how their lives turned out and she is not quite ready to face her demons yet

[stargazer-sims]

The Art of Redemption

(part 6)

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The sky is already light when Nikolai wakes up. He's disoriented and confused, and for one awful moment he doesn't remember where he is. He's used to waking up in the dark during the winter, to the shrieking calls of sea birds on the beach below his house, and to the warmth of another person next to him in bed. He looks around frantically, convinced he's going to be late for something important and that no one had bothered to remind him about it.

As the fog of sleep clears from his brain, he's able to identify his surroundings. This is Beth-Anne's guest room, or perhaps not so much a guest room as a den, or... a home office with a bed in it. On the opposite side of the room from where his ridiculously comfortable bed is, there's a filing cabinet, and a desk with a laptop computer attached to an external monitor. On the wall above the desk are numerous framed pictures, news articles and award plaques. In the center of the arrangement are two gold medals.

Nikolai allows himself to relax. One of those medals is his. He'd given it to Beth-Anne nearly ten years ago, and it makes him happy to see that she has it on display.

He lets his gaze travel around a bit more. His coat is draped over the back of the desk chair, and his two green suitcases are visible just inside the open closet door. Next to the suitcases, he notices his skate bag and a medium-sized cardboard box with something scribbled on the side of it in black marker. On top of the box is a grey teddy bear with a little fake gold medal on a dark green satin ribbon around its neck. He can't see it from this distance without his glasses any more than he can read what's on the box, but he knows the bear has the word 'champion' stitched onto its foot in white embroidery thread.

I don't remember bringing that here.

Beth-Anne must've thought he'd want it, and gathered it up along with his other things without mentioning it. He's had the bear since he was ten years old, since his first competition in the Novice division, and Champion has accompanied him to every single skating competition since then.

Going through security at airports, he always attracted funny looks from security agents and fellow passengers alike for carrying the teddy bear under his arm, but he didn't care. It comforted him to cuddle Champion while hunkering down miserably in the uncomfortable plane seats and trying not to think about his upset stomach and rattled nerves. He hates flying and suffers horribly with airsickness, but he was never allowed to take anything for it on the way to a competition. The last thing he and Beth-Anne would've wanted was for him to have failed a banned substance screening test.

He smiles ruefully. I'll bet I'd fail if they gave me one right now.

He's been at Beth-Anne's house for two days and three nights. It's not that he didn't recognize his own things in the room before, but that he hadn't been alert enough to observe much of anything, or to retain his observations even if he had been. Having been doped up on painkillers and anti-anxiety medication, there are whole chunks of time missing from his perception of the past couple of days. He's pretty sure he didn't leave his bed except to go to the bathroom, and he guesses he'd been sleeping a lot. He has vague memories of Beth-Anne feeding him soup.

He squints at the clock on the small table next to the bed. It's 7:04 a.m. The day isn't as far gone as he'd thought, and for some reason the knowledge fills him with a sense of reassurance.

The next thing he does is take an assessment of his body. He's a little stiff, but that's likely from lying around too long and probably isn't anything that can't be resolved with some good stretches. His knee still hurts, but not nearly as much as before. Under the blankets, he flexes his leg cautiously. Maybe he can forego the stronger pain medication for now and just take a couple of ibuprofen tablets instead.

He sits up in bed and starts his stretching routine. Neck, shoulders and arms he can do in a seated position, but he's going to have to get up to stretch his back muscles. He wonders if his bad knee will support him well enough to do some leg exercises too, or if he'll have to wait for Beth-Anne to help him do the ones the physiotherapist prescribed.

After climbing out of bed and working the tension from his back, he decides to err on the side of caution and skip the leg work until Beth-Anne is available to supervise him. He limps over to the closet and pulls one of his suitcases out. He's eager for a shower and fresh clothes.

In the process of retrieving his suitcase, he's able to get a better look at the box next to it. What he thought was a scribble when he viewed it from across the room actually turns out to be one. He can just make out the word 'DONATE' beneath a frenetic zigzag of black ink. Above it, in Beth-Anne's precise handwriting, is his own name.

Intrigued, he abandons his suitcase and drags the box out instead. It's folded closed at the top, but there's something purple poking out through the little gap where the flaps of the overfilled box don't quite meet. He knows what it is even before he tugs the flaps of the box apart to reveal its contents.

The purple item is the costume he'd worn for his long program at the Four Continents. They'd tried to cut it off his leg at the hospital in Taiwan, and he'd begged them not to. Through the interpreter, he said he didn't care if he had to sit around in nothing but his underpants and a hospital gown. He wanted to take the costume off himself, intact. They'd allowed him to do that in the end, and he was appreciative of the small kindness.

Under the purple costume is the glittery black and red one he'd worn for his short program. He frowns. Why would his costumes be in a carton that had originally been marked for donation? For that matter, why would his two most recent costumes be in a cardboard box at all? He hasn't kept every skating costume he's ever worn, but he does have a lot of them, and they're all hanging neatly in a wardrobe cupboard in his basement, protected by garment bags and labelled by year.

Perhaps more importantly, he amends, what are my costumes doing in a box here at Beth-Anne's house?

He can guess, but he really doesn't want to go there. Not right now. He's not prepared to wrap his head around the notion of someone he loves being intentionally cruel to him.

But, Anya had already done something mean to him. She'd taken his medals off the wall in their dining room, pulling them all down while he watched helplessly. That had hurt, but he'd somehow convinced himself it wasn't so bad. He could return them to their display frame later. Anya said she'd put them away. When he felt able to restore them to their proper place, he could always ask her where she'd put them, unless...

Nikolai shakes his head.

No.

Anya wouldn't give away his medals. She has a few medals of her own. She knows how important they are. He prefers a less dramatic explanation, like maybe the box was something Beth-Anne had lying around in her garage and she just grabbed it to transport some of his things in. That hypothetical version of events is much easier to accept.

He wants to discover what else is in the box, but an alarmingly loud growl from his stomach reminds him that he has priorities. He probably hasn't eaten a proper meal in two days, and his skin feels sticky and gross. Shower, and then breakfast. Later, when he's got nothing else to do, he can come back to the box.

The hot shower revives him, and he feels almost normal by the time he hobbles into the kitchen on his crutches about fifteen minutes later.

Beth-Anne is standing at the counter next to the sink. Her back is to him, but she turns when he says her name. She's dressed in form-fitting black athletic pants and a red zip-front fleece top, and her curly honey-coloured hair is caught into a messy little bun. She isn't wearing makeup, and the scars on her face are clearly visible on her pale, freckled skin.

She's going to the rink, Nikolai realizes. Oddly, he doesn't know how he feels about that. Of course she should be going to the rink. She's a skating coach, and her job is at the rink. Her students need her. But, she'd stayed home with him for the past two days, and he'd liked that. He's not certain he's ready to be left alone yet.

Beth-Anne offers him a smile. "How are you feeling, sweetheart? You look better."

"I feel a little better," he says. "What's for breakfast? I'm starving."

She laughs. "Yeah, that's definite proof you're on the mend. How about a ham and cheese omelette? That's what I'm making for myself, and it's easy enough to make two. There's oranges and grapefruit in the fridge, and I bought extra milk. Oh, and there's coffee. Help yourself."

He takes an orange from the fridge and pours himself a cup of coffee. While Beth-Anne cooks, he sits at the table and methodically peels and sections his orange. They're both quiet for a while, but finally he ventures, "Are you... are you going to work today?"

"Yes," she tells him. "Mariah and Brett have been skating by themselves for three days now. Stan said he’d keep an eye on them, but that’s not his responsibility. Plus, you know Brett has Junior Worlds coming up in a few weeks. He needs me to be just as committed to that as he is.”

“Oh,” Nikolaï says. "That's right."

He hadn’t meant to sound so disappointed. Suddenly embarrassed, he lowers his head and gazes dismally at his half-eaten orange.

He’s not jealous of Brett exactly, but he does envy the fourteen year old for the chance to compete in a world championship. Nikolai will never do that again. He'll never get to feel the flutter of nervous anticipation in the seconds before he steps onto the ice, or the focus and calm confidence that replaces it when his music begins. He'll never again experience the joy of performing a beautiful and complicated step sequence or the exhilaration of landing a perfect jump. People cheering for him and throwing bouquets onto the ice, Beth-Anne hugging him in the kiss-and-cry and drying his tears with her ubiquitous old-fashioned handkerchiefs while they wait for his scores, the national anthem playing during medal presentations... all of that is over for him now.

One might argue he's had his moment of glory — several, in fact — and that's something to be grateful for. He is grateful for his success, but that does nothing to ease the dull, empty ache in his chest when he imagines what might've been. The truth is, he wasn't ready to leave the sport, isn't ready despite the reality of it. He's only twenty-seven. If it weren't for this devastating injury, he might've had two or three good seasons left before he made his own decision to retire. Maybe he would've even won another medal at Worlds this year. He'd certainly been on track to qualify for the world championship.

But now the only one of Beth-Anne's students who'll be going to a world championship event is Brett Eriksson. He'll be the one getting all the praise and accolades and Beth-Anne's undivided attention, and Nikolai will be doing what? Sitting at home in a pool of his own self-pitying tears?

Nikolai Pavlenko, be a man. You will not cry over this any more, he orders himself fiercely, but the demand has little effect. His throat already feels like it's starting to close, and there's an unwelcome prickling behind his eyes that warns of impending tears.

Beth-Anne shuts off the stove and turns toward the table with a plate in each hand. Nikolai hadn't even noticed that she was done cooking their omelettes, and his face burns with a new wave of embarrassment.

She takes one look at him, hurries forward and quickly sets the plates down. A second or two later, her hand is on his cheek, as if she's checking to see if the flush of colour that he knows must be there might be from a fever.

He raises his eyes to meet hers, and all he sees in her expression is love and concern for him. Brett may need her undivided attention, but she loves him. She put her regularly-scheduled life on hold for the past handful of days for him, lost sleep for him, allowed Brett to skate alone. For him.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"No," he manages to get the words past the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry. I... I'm being selfish."

"You're being human," she says. Her hand moves up to brush back his unruly hair. She can't possibly know what he'd been thinking, but it almost seems like she can read his mind because she continues with, "This isn't going to be an easy adjustment for you. I get that. It's going to be scary and confusing, and if you're angry or sad or envious of the others or... whatever, it's totally okay. I promise."

"How do you...?" he begins, but doesn't finish the question.

"How do I know?"

"Yeah."

"Did you think I retired voluntarily from competing?" she asks.

"Didn't you? You never told me it wasn't voluntary, so I assumed it was. But... it wasn't?"

"No, it wasn't," she says. "If you want to know what happened, I'll tell you, but not right this minute. Right now, you need to eat your breakfast. We have things to do today, and you need the protein.”

She steps away from him and settles into the chair across the table from his. He's sufficiently distracted by the revelation that she hadn't given up competing by choice that his other emotions temporarily fade to the back of his consciousness.

"I do want to know," he says. "And what do you mean, we have things to do? What do I have to do?"

"Eat your breakfast and then put on some warm clothes," says Beth-Anne, apparently unbothered about talking with her mouth full. "You're going to the rink."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm not going to have you sitting around here feeling sorry for yourself all day long. You're allowed to feel like that, but not all day, every day. That's dangerous, and I'll be damned if I let you put yourself in harm's way when there's something we can do about it."

He's so relieved, he doesn't even think before blurting out the first thing that pops into his head. "So, I don't have to be alone? I can be with you all day?"

"If you're feeling up to going out, yes."

"Yes," he says. "But, what am I going to do there? Should I bring a book?"

Beth-Anne looks amused. "I guess you can if you want, but I had something a little more constructive in mind."

"Like what?"

"Like being my assistant," she says. "I'd like you to observe the students while I'm working with them, especially Brett and little Eden. You'll be able to spot things I might not see, things they're doing really well or things they need to work on. Watch me, too. See how I interact with them."

"I already know how you interact with students," he says.

"You know how I interact with you," she corrects. "Observing from the outside, seeing how I interact with other students will give you a different perspective. More of a coach's-eye view, you might say."

"A...what?" He has to admit this idea has literally never occurred to him, but to be fair, up until a month ago he hadn't given much thought at all to his life beyond his career as a professional athlete. He's always known he'd have to stop competing eventually, but he also assumed he'd have more time to figure out his future plans. "You think I could be a coach?"

"No idea," says Beth-Anne around another mouthful of eggs. "You might be absolutely fucking terrible at it, although somehow I doubt that, but we're not going to know one way or the other if we don't give it a try, are we?"

"You're serious."

"When have you ever known me to not be serious?"

"I don't know if I want to be a coach," he confesses. "I don't know what I want, really."

"That's okay," she says. "Ultimately, whatever you do will be your choice. But in the meantime, this'll at least give you something to do and keep your mind off..." She pauses awkwardly before concluding. "Stuff."

It's difficult to argue with her reasoning. She isn't wrong about it being dangerous for him to dwell on all his negative thoughts and feelings. After all, look what that had earned him; the final breath of his already dying marriage, contemplation of suicide, a tearful phone call in the middle of the night, an urgent trip to the hospital, and a massive dose of prescription drugs he'd probably needed but didn't want.

The night he phoned Beth-Anne and begged her to help him, he'd never been so terrified and desperate in his life. He was afraid to be alone because he didn't trust himself not to do something irredeemable.

His mental state has improved since then, but he's still scared. Being with someone feels much safer to him than being left by himself, and being with Beth-Anne feels safest of all. She always takes care of him, and he trusts her more than anyone else.

He thinks she's also right that having something to do will keep him from ruminating on stuff, as she put it. He and Beth-Anne both know what she meant by that. She didn't need to elaborate, and he's thankful to her for leaving it at a generalization.

But... coaching?

He has no clue how the other students might take to him becoming a coach. The younger ones who don't know him might not have any issues with it, but he doubts Brett and Mariah would be thrilled by the prospect. And what about Ginger, Hunter, Juliet and Christian? How would his friends feel about it? Would it be weird for them to see their fellow student become a coach? And what if he actually does turn out to be terrible at it? What then?

Beth-Anne's voice breaks into his thoughts. "Nikolai."

He stares at her, but doesn't reply because he realizes he has a piece of orange in his mouth. Inexplicably, his heartbeat begins to race and his hands tremble uncontrollably. He feels sweat break out on his palms and down the middle of his back.

Why am I panicking? Why am I panicking!? Calm down!

His self-admonition only makes it worse, and the orange section seems to grow huge and suffocating. He wants to spit it out, but his mental image of himself spitting out food in front of Beth-Anne is mortifying to him.

"Nikolai," Beth-Anne says gently. "Chew and swallow."

Her voice anchors him. He does as she instructs, and then mumbles, "Sorry."

"It's okay, sweetheart. You're fine," she assures him. "If you don't want to go to the rink, you don't have to. I can drop you off to spend the day with your grandfather instead, or wherever you want."

"No, I... I want to go to the rink. I'm just... I don't know. Anxious."

"You can take the medication the doctor gave you," she reminds him.

"No," he repeats. "I need to get over this. Get back to normal. Going to the rink is a good idea. Even if I don't stay all day, I think I need to get out of the house and do something before just leaving the house starts to seem like it's too hard."

Beth-Anne nods. "Good. That's the attitude I like. Come with me for the morning, and we'll see how you get along, okay? If you're feeling overwhelmed or like you don't want to stay for whatever reason, I'll bring you home. Sound good?"

"Sounds good," he agrees.

"I'll keep checking on you," she says.

It's his turn to nod. "I'll do my best to keep it together."

"I know you will, but I don't want you to push yourself any further than you can reasonably handle, all right? The point of this is to rebuild you, not to break you even more, so if you feel like you can't do it, you need to tell me straight away. Understand?"

'I understand."

"Excellent. Now, eat up so we'll have enough time to get ready. Our first thing is a group class at nine o'clock, and we wouldn't want to be late for those adorable preschoolers, would we?"

"You...? Preschoolers? You want me to observe preschoolers?"

"Best way to start the day," says Beth-Anne. "Watching a bunch of cute four year olds wobble around for half an hour is an amazing stress reliever. We can watch Ginger and Stan do their thing after that, and then Brett's ice time is at eleven. That'll be your real assignment. You know, 'your mission, should you choose to accept it' and all that."

"Okay," Nikolai says, doing his best to sound more sure of himself than he feels. "Mission accepted."

[ink-and-dagger]

Hiii inky, this is for the directors cut ^^

I’ve always been curious; during the time astrid was fired from the last drop, did jinx say to silco while he was in heartbreak? Did she try to comfort him? Did Sevika comment on anything? We’re there any other characters that witnessed him a miserable mess? lol

Oh and I almost forgot:

GET BACK HERE AND FINISH THAT KISS WITH TONGUE YOU COWARD

(Putting this art in my serotonin folder hehehehehhe thank you sweet one kissing you back real sloppy 😘😘❤️)

Oh you bet your ass a ton of stuff went down in Silco-land over those three months, and one of these days I will post the entire timeline I will goddammit. But for now I’ll shall answer your question and give you a glimpse into Silco’s misery…

Jinx

Silco’s fall out with Astrid definitely affected his relationship with Jinx for a while, with the first week or two being the worst. When Jinx wasn’t outright ghosting her dad, she was cold and distant with him. For a few days she even refused to help him with his eye treatment, until Sevika bribed her with coin. After that she reluctantly assisted in frosty silence.

It isn’t that Jinx couldn’t see how much he was hurting – it wasn’t even that she didn’t feel any compassion for his heartbreak – it’s simply that her anger with him was great enough to blot out everything else. To her mind, her family had been torn apart once again, bringing all sorts of painful memories to the surface. Only this time she wasn’t the one ‘at fault’. And because Silco is maaaaaybe a teensy bit of an enabler when it comes to Jinx, her only real frame of reference for how to treat someone at fault was the way she was treated by Milo and to some extent Vi. So she defaulted to that.

However, after the first failed assassination attempt of this time period Jinx did go to him to check on his welfare (even though she acted very aloof and teenage about it). At this point Silco did at least manage to initiate a discussion with her about what happened, and although she remained displeased with him, they did manage to agree to a shakey truce.

Silco never held Jinx’s feelings against her, even though he was going through a lot of pain of his own he always remained patient and lenient. And when she gradually began to warm up to his company again, he didn’t make a big to-do; just quietly accepted the love and affection he was given, and reciprocated it unconditionally, without any need for apology or explanation.

Not to say it was smooth sailing between them from there on out. Whilst Jinx did try to comfort him in her own way, she also often attempted to convince him to make things right with Astrid. Silco was always quick to shut these conversations down; gently but firmly. Jinx even tried to orchestrate a couple of ‘accidental meet ups’ between Silco and Astrid, although neither of these was successful. In fact, the second attempt went so badly wrong that it led to a big fall out between himself and Jinx; which sent the teenager spiralling similarly to how she did at the start of chapter 12.

It was this breakdown (paired with a well timed dream) that prompted Silco to finally seek Astrid out.

Sevika

Sevika commented on the whole Silco x Astrid breakup situation exactly two times during those three months (and neither of those times was particularly because she had much choice in the matter).

The first occurrence was the second Friday after Astrid was fired.

For months, the unspoken rule amongst Silco’s staff had been that Friday nights were off-limits; The Eye of Zaun was not to be disturbed unless absolutely necessary, and even then only Sevika truly had the guts and authority to do the disturbing. After news arrived that one of their topside agents had gotten themselves arrested, Sevika had gone up to his office to find him… not there. He hadn’t been in his bedroom either. But a quiet bump from his en-suite had prompted her to check the darkened bathroom. Sevika found the Eye of Zaun, absolutely plastered (like, one drink away from blacking out) laying in the empty bathtub, fully-dressed (though extremely rumpled), clutching a near empty bottle of bourbon.

She lost a bit of respect for him that night.

Still, their history runs deep, and despite his vicious protestations Sevika managed to haul Silco out of the tub.

“Get up.”

“Get out.”

“No. Lay s’much asa fimger on me an’ I’ll havey’u dead. I’ll fucking— Don’t— You’re fired.”

“Been chucking that phrase around a lot lately, haven’t you.”

He went quiet after that clap-back.

She managed to get him onto the bed and into a comfortable enough position to sleep off the booze and not choke on any that found its way back up. She’d intended to just leave it at that, but found herself speaking halfway out the door.

“I’m sorry things didn’t work out between the two of you. But what happened tonight cannot happen again. If you crumble, then so does the city, and I won’t let it happen. Zaun is my first priority. Not you.”

<long pause>

[quietly] “I understan’. G’dnigh, Sevika.”

“Night. Silco.”

To his credit, it didn’t happen again.

The second time Sevika comments on the whole thing I’ll reveal in more detail when I finally release my timeline of events. But what I will tell you now is that it occurred a couple of weeks after she and Astrid went for drinks (so about a month and a half into their 3 month separation) and involves a nightmare, a business meeting, and a pretty brothel boy.

Misc

Silco is highly adroit at concealing his hand. At appearing cold and uncaring. But the more attentive members of his team will have noticed a few changes in the man, even if they didn’t know the cause nor reason behind it:

During those three months Silco was quicker to anger. Not only that, but where his wrath had previously been icy, controlled, and calculated, it was now more akin to a hot flash in the pan. Hearing the raised voice of the Eye of Zaun suddenly wasn’t such a rarity anymore.

Silco’s work ethic increased from obsessive to dangerous. He’d work for days on end without rest; only stopping when he literally passed-out from exhaustion at his desk, and then picking up right where he left off the instant he came-to. He survived primarily on a diet of whiskey and cigars, and only ate when Sevika forced him to. Within weeks of Astrid’s departure, Max was commissioned to craft a pair of suspenders to be worn beneath Silco’s waistcoat, because his trousers no longer fit.

Silco’s routine became erratic, and would flip on a dime. There were some weeks where it felt as though he never once set foot inside the drop, and other weeks where he holed up in his office like a hermit. Towards the end of those three months it was very much the latter – though that could be attributed to the sudden rise in assassination attempts.

His usually razor sharp mind appeared at times… dulled. It took him longer to construct those careful, trademark responses, and even in silence he didn’t always seem 100% present.

He refused to hire a replacement barkeep. His excuse being that budget didn’t allow for a new hire after the losses of the blackout riot.

Anyway there you have it! I hope that answered your question and gave you a bit more insight into Silco’s life during that three month separation. But there’s definitely a lot more to tell there, and I’m politely asking my brain to pull itself together enough to tell you all about it 🥲💜

[rigginsstreet]

Ok what if there’s an annual rave at the warehouse billy got possessed in. Like after starcourt and half the town dying everything settles and the teens/young adults left decide to start partying there as like a celebration of life/memorial/some people just have no tact and wanna go there out of morbid curiosity because rumors were circulating and weird shit going down (no one knows the truth about billy but a lore has begun to spread around town)

So anyway at first the gang all thinks it’s kinda in poor taste that such an event occurs but billy really leads the charge, to everyone’s surprise, in saying it’s kinda a genius idea and why should they sit around being miserable the rest of their lives about this thing when they can reclaim it and have some fun

So he talks steve into going, says it’ll be a good place for them to have a public date cuz everyone’s gonna be off their asses on drugs anyway and it’ll be dark and packed and they can get away with a lot. Robin joins in, Nancy and Jonathan more reluctantly but eventually they come around. Max definitely sneaks along with Lucas and el even tho billy told her a hundred times a rave is no place for her but she’s 16 now billy! She’s practically an adult!

So anyway the gangs all there and at first it’s going great. Everyone’s partying and drinking and dancing, having a good time. Billy and Steve get to dance closer than usual and be more affectionate and it’s nice.

Billy manages to snag some lsd and he’s all excited about sharing it with Steve, talking about how great the joint trip is gonna be… except billy doesn’t account for the fact he’s still dealing with lingering ptsd, and one minute he’s dancing with his boyfriend having the time of his life, the next minute he’s seeing visions of heather out of the corner of his eye, looks haggard and sweaty and pale like she did at the end… and then he starts hearing the same scurrying he heard the night he was taken… starts seeing the rats running around and can feel something grabbing him, trying to take him away, and then he’s on the floor, yelling and screaming in the middle of the crowd and Steve’s right there trying to get him under control and robin and Nancy and Jonathan run over to help, max emerges somewhere out of the crowd with el and Lucas in tow as she pushes her way next to Steve, panicking because billy hasn’t had a panic attack this bad in so long but she’s yelling at Lucas to go find water while the others are getting everyone to back away and give billy space, and Steve’s picking him up and taking him outside for fresh air and the whole time billys just crying and trying to catch his breath while steve does his best to get him back to reality which is really hard considering he is also high as a kite. Ends up being Nancy who does most of the heavy lifting as the most sober person there

And billy just keeps repeating he’s sorry and it’s not his fault like he did in the sauna while max is bringing water to his lips and telling him it’s ok, she knows, they’re not there anymore it’s over. And Steve’s holding his hand and just trying to get him to focus on him and come back down

And when it’s all said and done Nancy drives them back to Steve’s place, steve in the back seat with billy pressed to his side, exhausted, passed out on his shoulder. Everyone in silent agreement that drugs and billy no longer mix and they will not be attending anymore raves in the future

[trashlie]

You brought Nol and Yui up and elaborated on their dynamic beautifully, I just wanted to add something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. Nol isn't only a threat to Yui because he is a potential heir. He is also a threat because if he ever exposes what she did to him in the Hirahara mental facility, it could be her downfall. The incident between the brothers was something she was personally, directly involved in. It all boils down to her. Whatever the contents of Yujing's article will be, Yui will probably be able to weasel her way out of any accusations. (I don't see her standing trial for murder or any of the Kim's crimes anytime soon.) But this? This is not something she will be able to get away with that easily once people start digging and questioning things.

To prevent it all from coming to light, she needs to keep Nol in this miserable state. Similarly to how she needs Kousuke to have this warped perception of reality, the same applies to Nol. She needs him isolated, internalizing the guilt, believing he deserves everything that happened, that fighting back is useless and only leads to more pain. But if he ever breaks free from her control, finds support, starts unpacking everything that has happened... That's when he becomes unpredictable, and unpredictable is dangerous. Back then, Yui got rid of Nessa but let Nol live. I wouldn't be surprised at all if a day comes when she really regrets that decision.

And this really makes me wonder how exactly Nol remembers the incident. Does he remember it clearly, or was his memory warped? Does he stay quiet because it's his word vs Kousuke's Yui's the media the whole world so he knows no one would believe him? How did he process his time in the facility? Does he remember it clearly and would be able to talk about, or is it all a haze? Does he recall names, faces? Would he be able to recognize the people he met there again?

Related to this, I have this feeling that whatever was going on in the mental facility, is... bigger than Nol. Bigger than just one kid getting abused and brainwashed. What if he isn't the only victim. What if it is the entire facility, or at least a subsection of it. What if Yui, since she runs the facility, fostered this kind of environment? This is a sensitive subject so I'm trying to find the right words... Unfortunately, this is not as unrealistic as people might think. It's horrible and absolutely disgusting but abuse in mental asylums, as well as institutions with a similar framework like nursing homes, is not a rare occurrence, because of the power dynamics in place and the residents being isolated from the outside world. Unfortunately, not every nurse, doctor, or medical staff is a good, caring, kind person. Some of them are the worst, most heartless people who simply want to have power over others. And power is such a key theme in the story already, isn't it. Given the author's background in the medical field, I would not be surprised at all if this is something she is planning on commenting on in season 2...

[Content warning: In my response I will talk a little about implied sexual assault related to Yui.]

Oh man, this is such a GOOD message and I think you're bringing up something that hasn't been explored nearly as much so far! That, yes, as we move into s2 we are going to start seeing the much darker underbelly of the story that has been sort of held off for so long, things that have only been danced around, until our characters grow older, aaaaahhhh!

But yes, re: Nol and Yui, that's such a good point! Like... something that I've talked about with a lot of people lately is that maybe Yujing is actually working on two stories - one as a favor to Rand, to help rectify Nol's image and reputation, and the other her much bigger story about Yui and the Kims, because I agree, there is no way whatever she has right now is going to be able to make the necessary dent, it will be so easy to bury. But if it turns out she IS working on two stories, this does a couple things. First, it plants that seed of credibility. If Nol was, in fact, an innocent person pushed to take the fall of the Hirahara's partner's son, then what can that say about Yui, the Hiraharas, the Kims? What does that say about corruption amongst the elite?

And what does it say about Nol's past?

If Nol's image can be redeemed (as much as it can be, because I have no doubts there will be people would brush it off, but fortunately Yujing bears a reputation for her honest work and reporting) while planting that seed, then later in the future when Yujing has even more dirt, even more testimonies, even more events to report on, people will be more willing to accept it, to believe it, to start to see that corruption, and how good people lose their lives (whether because they actually die or it's a case like Nol, who hasn't really been "living" all of these years as much as going through the motions).

Being able to expose the kind of manipulation and meddling Yui has done would be big, for her both as a Hirahara and also overseeing the health facilities, the hospital, etc. Someone of her status and position manipulating and drugging her own child and step-son, institutionalizing someone who didn't need it, the things that went on in there? ;A;

You're right that it's very likely Nol is not the only person who was abused in that facility, and I think it's very likely, too, that we might see this further explored. Something I think about re: Yui is that she has some kind of trauma, too. Not just the whole "I am a woman and I resent the patriarchy for what I have never been afforded and I have had to work harder in order to get what I have" and the survivalist mentality of needing to be at the top so that no one can take your position, which is already... uh... a lot lol. But on top of that, I think it' very possible that Yui was possibly assaulted when she was younger (perhaps even by one of the Kims which is a whole other can of worms) and that in never getting to process what happened to her, in not getting to get much needed help, perhaps she internalized that in a very damaging way. That mentality that this happened to her because she was weak, because she wasn't vigilant, because she wasn't powerful enough could be a part of the way she treats others, how she has this almost.... doesn't it feel like she treats people like her prey, that they dance for her amusement? That maybe if they were stronger, if they were more powerful, she wouldn't be able to play them like a fiddle? And I think, in an insidious way, this goes hand in hand with what you're bringing up - about fostering an environment where people who thrive on power can lord that over others.

It's especially sick and dark because yes, you are right - there are people who do often need that help and don't get the help they need because of the kinds of people who work in those institutions. We do see that a lot in nursing homes! And given that Nol was institutionalized on a basis that seems to be largely fictitious, or at least that it wasn't what it appeared, it feels even more hand in hand that powers of abuse were at play in there.

I have a few thoughts additional to this, too.

Something I think about Nol at this time is that he probably WAS an angry, hot-headed kid. His mother uprooted him and moved them to a foreign country where they live as undocumented immigrants in a home that Rand pays for for them, but they aren't living as citizens of this place. They're effectively living in hiding, in the shadows of Rand's Other Family. He must have been so alone! He must have been so upset. His father is this man who has a whole other family, he's MARRIED, and his mother is essentially his mistress, The Other Woman. She uprooted their lives for THAT. To be near him even though they couldn't actually BE. Nol wasn't part of their lives, part of that world. Every interaction we've seen of Kousuke and Nol spanning those years is just Kousuke refusing Nol, demeaning him.

In 219 when Nol and Shinae are talking about not celebrating his birthday, he talks about abusing the cow that became your burger and it makes me wonder if Nol and Nessa argued when he was younger, when he was hot-headed and bitter and angry and upset about being forced to live like this for a man who never once showed the side of him that his mother insists exists. Did he say terrible things about her choices, about what she was doing? Did he say hurtful things?

And to this thought... did Yui ever drug Nol via tea with something that might amplify and exacerbate his already hot-headed, bitter, angry feelings? That made him lash out at an old brother who treated him like dirt. At a family that made him feel like an invisible monster, like a mistake? Could the incident that happened the night he was taken away have involved something like that? And even if not then, we know Nol has an aversion to tea, which means it could still have been anything else. And not only an aversion to tea but an aversion to Yui's touch, to her presence...........

Whenever I think about the time he was institutionalized, I think of it a lot like what I think conversion therapy sounds like. They took this kid who is, for the most part, pretty normal. Is he having adjustment issues? Probably. Is his anger misplaced and out of place? Probably not. They took this kid and convinced him that something is wrong with him - that he himself is an anomaly, a mistake. That everything would be better if he didn't exist. Like, I feel deep in my heart that what happened to Nol was deeply brainwashing in nature, psychologically impacting how he sees and perceives himself, how he thinks about these incidents in the past that he was involved in. That everything would be so much better if he just didn't exist. His mother wouldn't be dead. His father's family would know peace. They convinced this kid that bad things come to those he cares about, because he is a blight. That he was a terrible son and he lost his mother because of it. I feel SO STRONGLY that this must be why this mentality is so deeply ingrained in him, why it's something that he cannot just let go of, because his entire identity is deeply rooted in it.

His entire panic about waking up in the hospital, and how he could calm down once he found out it wasn't Hirahara Memorial. His aversion to drugs, even when it was a pain killer given by Kousuke at the beginning of the story. I just.... i just KNOW terrible things happened in that hospital to him, and probably to others. ;_____; I'm haunted by his aversion to Yui's touch, the way he reacts every time she reaches to him ugggghhhhhhhh

So yes, I do wonder how much he remembers of that time - and it's probably going to depend on any drugs they were administering (whether or not he needed it). I think, too, he probably was made to participate in anger management, which probably further just warped his perception of himself and his feelings, and what he's allowed to feel.

But as for that night in question, I get the feeling even Nol doesn't have a clear memory of it, based on the beginning of episode 150. Something we've been picking up on re: memory in ILY is that color is one of the factors that determines how clear a memory is. A good example of this is Shinae's recollection of the formal and how it all works backwards from blurry, black and white images and slowly gains more clarity and saturation as she returns to what wasn't affected by being drugged. Other things is stuff like in Kousuke's memory where Nessa's face is scribbled out.

Nol's memory of the night he was taken away is jarring - there's no clarity, everything is blurred as if it's in motion, we can't make out the images, the colors are inversed (he himself appears blue and black). I think this implies that he himself has a very tenuous grasp on what happened that night, cannot recall clearly for himself his memory vs what Yui said. The most clear things, in fact, are what he was saying, his insistence that he wasn't doing anything, that he didn't touch him, he just wanted to ask him something.

We've seen even in Shinae's memories that speech can become blurred, so Nol's speech being the clearest part....? Interesting, right? So there seems to be some conviction in what he said and insisted, but the rest of it seems to be vague, easy to manipulate, to convince him he's remembering wrong.

And I think there's two strong possibilities here.

The first is that Nol could have been drugged at that time - and this really plays into the theory that maybe he's been given things that amplify and exacerbate his emotions, make him look like he's a violent, unstable child, make him come across more belligerent. If he was drugged maybe that's why the vision is so blurred, so warped.

The other possibility is this: quimchee has revealed that Nol is practically blind without his glasses, is nearsighted, and that this is, in fact, plot-related. We also know Nol now wears contacts - perhaps so that he can never be left blind if he forgets his glasses (loses them, they're taken from him) and.... what if that's connected to the night he was taken away.

Further, on top of this, Yui is the spitting image of Kousuke, but in a wig. And the night that Nol was taken away? Yui's hand looked like it was scuffed/battered/injured.

So I think it's safe to assume that no one but maybe Yui (and Rand?) has the best understanding of what happened that night. It seems possible that Nol was without his glasses, so already all but blind, and based on this being such a traumatic event, the memory is already distorted, the colors show that. Even if he wasn't drugged when this happened, it seems like it's something he himself can't very well recall, except for the words he spoke. ;A;

And to tie in your initial points lmao yes I think that's a really important thing to remember. Yui needs to keep Nol in a state where he cannot question these things, where it's easier for him to believe these lies that he's been saddled with, to continue to believe that he is a blight, a mistake, something that never should have existed, that wherever he goes, doom follows, that those he cares about are damned by his association. Every time he takes interest in someone Yui sees to it that they are "taken from him" like how Alyssa was pushed into a career that would mean she doesn't get to see him, leaving him alone and isolated, and convinced that this is what happens. It's UGGGGHHHHHH it's so awful, but YES that's very much how she operates, and why it's so so SO important to me that Nol and Shinae talk, because like she told him back at the Parks, nothing changes if he leaves. She still works for Yui, she's still under contract. Rand has reinforced this notion, that she WILL NEVER ESCAPE and the best she can do is to learn to play Yui's games and fight the way she does. As long as Nol is alone, she can continue to isolate him, continue to use the people he cares about against him, to punish him with their harm.

But like you said - maybe if he can get away from that, he can get the much needed clarity. It will take a lot of work and patience to unlearn what has been drilled into his head, but I think being able to talk to Shinae, to be open with each other would be an important first step, so that they can never be used against each other, and so that he can see that it's not him - it's Yui, and it's always been her. ;A;