#but seriously she’s like average sized from what i can tell

[forgetbeam]

i haven’t even watched dungeon meshi yet and it feels unnatural to see fanart of falin where she’s really skinny. put some meat on that girl’s bon— wait a second

[thezombieprostitute]

Tech Tuesday: Ransom Drysdale

Summary: Your laptop needs repair and you're at risk of embarrassing yourself and the company in front of some very big investors.

Warnings: Ransom kinda being an ass. Let me know if I missed any.

A/N: Reader is female. No other physical descriptors used.

A/N2: I know Thanksgiving (USA) is next week but who cares about accurate timing?

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Previous

"What the he--what is 'Friendsgiving'?" Ransom quickly stops himself from saying the minor curse. You've been nothing but friendly towards him and he's been trying his damnedest to return that, including not cursing around you because you don't like that kind of language.

"It's an alternative to Thanksgiving, for those of us who prefer friends to family," you answer. "We get together at someone's place and we each bring a dish to contribute to the meal. You can do the meal like a 'traditional' Thanksgiving, with all the food at the table, but I'm hosting so we're doing it potluck style!"

"Potluck style?"

You think for a few seconds before explaining. You've learned that Ransom definitely didn't have the average upbringing and that it's very much a sore spot for him so you've been working on how to explain things without sounding condescending. It's actually helped you out in your presentations and meetings.

"The basics of a potluck setup is that it's like one of those all-you-can-eat buffets, but with homemade food."

"Okay, I get that," Ransom nods. He's been grateful for your willingness to explain these kinds of things to him but he's learned that, if he doesn't acknowledge that he's understood what you said, you'll just continue to explain. "But I can't cook."

"That's okay," you assure. "Store bought stuff still works. The point of Friendsgiving is to have fun, not nitpick each other's contributions." Ransom huffs a little at that, thinking of all the Thanksgiving meals that devolved into fights about who's personal chef was better. "Seriously, my stuffing is always just Stove Top, from the box. You can just bring some cookies or a pie from the store and that'll work!"

"Thanks," he mumbles. He's fighting putting up his usual cold demeanor to hide the fact that he's ashamed at his lack of cooking skills. A part of him is pretty sure you're genuinely not judging him, but you can't undo decades of emotional abuse after just a couple years. Still, he's been trying and you've been very helpful in that. "So who else will be showing up?"

"If all goes well, Spitfire and a few other friends of mine, whom you haven't met yet." Ransom winces at that. "What? Do you not like them?"

"I...I don't think Spitfire likes me," he confesses. "I...it was stupid of me, I admit. I made fun of her size. She was standing right next to Walter and their difference in size was just really funny to me."

"And so you expressed that in a very rude way?"

"Yes," he grumbles.

"Well then you should send her an email to apologize and make sure to do so in person at Friendsgiving."

"Will she be bringing Walter along?"

"If all goes well," you smile. "So do not bring up the fact that I told you about the dunce cap, please!"

Ransom gives you a smug grin. "We'll see, Bubbles."

"Nooooo! Pretty please, Ransom?" You give him your best playful pout, knowing he can't keep a straight face every time you use it.

Sure enough, he laughs. "Okay, okay. I'll keep the secret. That's what friends do, right?"

"Thank you! Can I hug you?"

He winces, "I...I'm still not ready for that."

"That's okay," you're quick to reassure. "Just tell me when you are so I can give you a giant koala hug!"

He smiles, "thanks."

To say Ransom was overwhelmed would be an understatement. It's not even that there were a lot of people at the Friendsgiving (they were greatly outnumbered by the fall themed plushies you'd used to decorate). It's just...they were all having a good time. No one had started arguing. No one was threatening to call the lawyers. Everyone was having a good time. Ransom was very much out of his element here.

His one comfort, if you can call it that, was the biscoff cookies on the dessert table. He'd noticed no one else was really eating them so he took that as an okay to indulge as he needed them. Yes, they were a reminder of painful family gatherings, but at least it had some familiarity for him. Something to help him keep his metaphorical feet on the ground since he couldn't get his bearing among these friends of yours.

Even Spitfire and Walter were the most cordial he's ever seen them. It felt like he was in an alternative reality. Worse than that, it was a reality he'd known was possible and wanted for himself, but he felt so out of place in it. It hurt because what if he couldn't actually handle the reality he'd wanted? Did he make a mistake getting away from his family? His only real distraction was the biscoff cookies.

There were a few times Ransom had to excuse himself to step outside for some air. The brisk weather always helped him feel better. The cold winds always felt like a smack to the face that helped him regain his senses. He really needed that right now.

After the second time you excuse yourself and follow him outside. "Ransom?" you get his attention. "Are you okay?"

He's startled out of his deep breathing and he quickly shakes his head. "I'm okay. I'm okay. This is just different than I'm used to."

"If it's too much, if you need to leave, I'll understand."

"Did I say I wanted to leave?!" he snaps, making you flinch. He immediately drops his face, angry with himself for his outburst. You're just trying to help and he can't stop being an asshole.

"You're not the only one who had a bad family, you know." Ransom doesn't look up. "I went no contact with my own family. I'm guessing for very different reasons than you did. At least, I hope it was different reasons. You know I wasn't even allowed to attend public school because my parents knew it was a brainwashing government institution designed to get you to worship Satan?" Ransom huffs.

"Anyways," you continue. "I know from experience it can take time, and work, to really shake what we're trying to escape from. And it can be very overwhelming for a long time. So just...just know that if you need to leave you can. I don't want you to think you have to stay. I want to confirm that you can choose to stay or go."

"Thanks," he mumbles.

"Also, let me know before you head out so you can take the rest of the biscoff cookies with you." He raises his head in surprise. "I got them because they were on sale, didn't know if anyone would actually be interested in them. You've eaten pretty much the entire box by yourself! Not a judgment, by the way. But now I know your favorite cookies!"

Ransom gives you a soft smile. "I'm not sure what I need to do right now. But I'm glad to know I've got options. Thank you."

"Any time," you reassure him.

Next

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Tagging: @alicedopey; @delicatebarness; @ellethespaceunicorn; @icefrozendeadlyqueen; @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory;

@late-to-the-party-81; @lokislady82; @ozwriterchick; @ronearoundblindly; @lokislady82

@thiquefunlover63

[epicrainbowsheep]

It's all in the hip position

Not really following the Stranger Things timeline, been a very long time since I’ve written fanfic, especially smut, the inspiration for this comes from years of reading fan fiction with the guys always having massive cocks, we need a variety people and I'm here to deliver! This is modelled after my partner, so I know what I'm writing about from experience but that is hard to put into words.

Warning this is smut

Enjoy average-sized dick Billy

Billy Hargrove x Female Reader

The bell rang for lunch as the cafeteria of Hawkins High filled with teenagers, different conversations were happening all at once, about what they got up to over the weekend and whose party were you at; but one in particular managed to prick the ears of Billy Hargrove the most, coming from the table of girls behind him.

“Oh come on the guy had a massive dick right?!” Leah responded slamming her hands on the table in front of you, “Well yeah but he didn’t even know how to use it! Like seriously the sex was so awkward and really bumpy” rolling your eyes as you ate your lunch. “Really? Guys with massive dicks are normally meant to be amazing at sex, like bigger stretch and hits the G-spot easier” Bianca said adding to Leah’s comment, “I don’t know maybe but I can say Mathew has every right to say he’s got a big dick but I’m doubting bigger is always better” you sighed.

A hearty male laugh came from behind you, the tone already indicating who it was. “Having fun laughing at me Billy” you said turning around with a very not amused face. “Sorry couldn’t hold it in (Y/N), I could have saved you the bad lay last Saturday, thought you guys were just sucking face at Tommy’s party” Billy wiped tears from the corners of his eyes “But definitely did make my day better”.

His words made you more confused, your other friends pretending to talk as you turned your full attention to him “What do you mean you could have ‘saved me’?” wanting to know what he’d say you leaned in closer, as he did the same he said in a low voice “Last girl I slept with said that I was the best sex she’s ever had, that was Mathew’s ex, said he was a lousy lay” he winked and sat back up, making you feel the red in your face.

“Seriously? She always used to boast about how good he was!” You were baffled, he chuckled “Of course doll, they were dating then” he moved over to sit next to you stealing some of your food as his leg touched yours, “Wait Betty said that! You’ve gotta be lying” Leah enquired to Billy, who helped himself you your food again. 

“Swear on my reputation sweetheart” he leaned in making sure to look her directly in the eyes “And I can say if you keep after that Munson fella* you won’t be disappointed”, she looked shocked “How did you-“ Bianca’s laugh cuts her off, as you continued “Anyone can tell from a mile away Lee trust me” smiling at her she turned red, looking away from everyone at the table, the bell began to ring as you all got up and went your own ways. 

“From what I hear you’re pretty average in size, what makes you better anyways?” you teased as your friends walked in the opposite direction, your words made him smirk as you both walked towards the door he stops, leaning in to whisper in your ear “It isn’t the size darling, it’s all in the hip positions, more than happy to show you” He blew cool air down your neck, making you shiver and breathless, not knowing what to respond with, Billy just laughed again and walked away.

‘Bloody hell he’s smooth’ you thought, as you finally managed to walk away.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

School flies by and it’s the weekend in no time, you’ve been having trouble all week trying to get Billy and his words out of your head. “He can’t be as good as he’s saying right?” you say to no one as you get ready for a party at Tina’s. The blasting of a horn from outside snaps you back into reality, managing to fix up the last of your make-up, making sure to lock the house on the way. Steve’s waved from the car and opened the door from the inside, you slid in and closed the door. “So ready to graduate,” Steve said as he began to drive, “Couldn’t agree more dude! Hawkins is a shit hole” you responded “Robin meeting us there?” “Yeah said she had her own ride or something”.

Rest of the ride was filled with the radio and talk with Steve until you arrived, “You need a lift back or fending for yourself, cause I’m bailing if I see Nancy making out with Johnathan” he said as you both entered the house “Fair dude and I should be right, there is always someone to catch a ride with, make sure to forget about her dude she’s 100% moved on” you gave him a sad smile “Want a drink?” you said while walking towards the kitchen, “Nah I’ll try and find Robin first, catch up with you after though” “Okay sounds good!” giving the thumbs up you walked away.

The next few hours became a blur of shots and beer bong, definitely feeling the buzz now, hearing the cheers from outside, around the keg stand people were cheering and shouting as Billy managed to beat his own time, his eyes managed to catch yours, smirking he stalked towards you and leaned on the wall next to you. 

“Managed to catch all that doll?” leaning in even closer to your face, “Definitely impressive buuutt” you leaned into his ear, the alcohol giving you a confidence boost, “I think you have something else your wayyyy better at that you need to ‘show’ me still” adding the air quotes with your smirk, Billy even cockier now than before, grabbed your waist and pulled you to his chest and smashed his lips to yours. His lips felt slightly chapped and warm, with his intense cologne flying up your nostrils.

“How ‘bout we get out of here doll” he growled and pulled you by the hand, leading you out of the house. “Let’s head to my place, my parents aren’t home” you said as you both shut the doors of his Camaro.

“Just show me the way babe” he said as he sped off down the road.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

 You both stumbled into your room, hands were roaming over each other’s bodies. His hands grab your waist and throw you onto the bed, the suddenness leaves you stunned for a second before he’s crawling towards you with the look of lust in his eyes. “Baby I’ve had my eye on you for a while” one of his arms supports his weight near your head, while his other hand trails up your thigh, going underneath your shirt to grab your clothed breast. He kisses you as you moan at his actions.

He kisses down your neck, grabs the bottom of your shirt and you help him pull it over your head, before resuming the kissing, it turns intense as he slots his clothed crotch against you. Teeth and tongue get smashed into each other as you both sloppily make out, your hands let go of his white shirt and scratch down his back as he moved against you, both in a sea of bliss as each last item of clothing is removed.

You both pull away looking at each other, your body glowed under the moonlight coming from the window, Billy couldn’t stop staring at how the curves of your body complemented each other as he slid his hands from your thighs, squeezing the thickness along the way to your stomach, his mouth kissed all the way up, starting from just under your belly button, all the way up between the valley of your breasts.

His right hand makes its way between your folds, your wetness making sounds as he slides his fingers against you, slightly touching your clit “Fuck babe your nice and wet” you moan out for him as his fingers slide into you, slowly pumping in and out. Your hands grab his jaw and bring his lips to yours, his fingers start to pick up the pace as he hears your moans pick up, “Billy I’m so close! Please don’t stop!” his hands

His head hovers above you, he hazily looks into your eyes, realising your eyes were stuck in one position. “Babe what are you-“ his eyes  move down to what your staring at, he huffs. “(Y/N) get out what your thinking now before we get any further” “Is it average?” the look on her face is completely genuine.

Silence follows before Billy laughs hard, “Fuck (Y/N) seriously I’ve got tears in my eyes” he kneels up resting against his legs he grabs his cock, sliding a condom along his length, spreading his knees wide, leaning back his other hand sliding against his thigh, your ogling at him, your eyes follow the shadows against his body that the moonlight creates, to his smug look, then to his hard, throbbing cock.

“Baby you’re looking at the most average cock, size is 5.6 inches if you must know” He slowly starts crawling up towards to again, caging you in, lowers his mouth to your ear and huskily says “Will be the thing that makes you cum the hardest” he slides his cock into you, your walls stretching around his cock.

Both of you moan when he is fully inside you, he looks into your eyes silently asking if you’re ready, you nod and he starts slowly thrusting into you. He slowly picks up the pace, grabbing your legs and putting them over your shoulders and angles his hips down, reaching places you’ve never felt were possible. 

“Fuck Billyyy!” you moaned out, your head tilting backwards as he pounds into you. “Baby your pussy is squeezing me so tightly” he groans in response to your consistent moans, you’ve never heard a man so vocal in bed, he keeps chanting out your name.

“Doll you’re such a good girl taking my dick so well” he straightens his back and manhandles your legs so your feet are up by his head, the new angle allowing him to roll his hips in a new way that made you cum instantly “BILLY! You’re fucking me so good” you feel drool sliding out your mouth as you feel another orgasm coming on.

His hips piston into you as he chases after his own release, “Baby I feel another one in you, I’m so close” he groans out as he slams his hips deep into you for the final time as you scream out his name in pure bliss. 

He rests your legs down on the bed and flops beside you, he’s a sight to behold, chest gleaming from the sweat, the light bouncing off his body, used condom still on his half-hardened dick, you’ve never seen a more beautiful sight. He smirks at you, pulling you into his chest by your waist, “You checking me out (Y/N)?” looking up into his eyes, they sparkle with mischief.

“So what of it?” you say back as you snuggle into his warm body, he chuckles to himself. You both lay there in silence, enjoying the afterglow of sex. You break the silence “Don’t get an ego but your right” he looks at you his faced first puzzled then the realisation hits him, the sex made him momentarily forget, pulling a shit-eating grin onto his face.

“Told you size doesn’t matter” his head hits the pillow again and he closes his eyes, “What’s your secret anyways, that was the best sex I’ve had in a while”

“You really wanna know?”

“Yeah”

“It’s all in the hip positions sweetheart”

[microraptorreactor]

Hello! It's time, I'm making my (somewhat rabid) speculation on eliksli biology while waiting for the next act of Revenant. This speculation is wholly mundane, but good fun for me. Long post, so it's below the cut!

Now, my first note that informed much of this post:

Riis was fucking DANGEROUS.

Or dangerous for pre-Traveler Eliksni, anyways. I have a pretty simple reason for this, and that's because Eliksni have a lot of kids. Seriously.

Irl, often the more babies an animal has per pregnancy is linked to how likely any individual is to survive to adulthood. I'm going to drastically oversimplify things here, but the more likely any individual offspring is to die, the more offspring the animal has. Any individual juvenile insect is very, VERY likely to die, so most insect species have hundreds. Tiger cubs have a 40% chance to make it to adulthood, so tigers have 2-4 cubs in a litter. Only animals with very high infant survival rates (humans, elephants, whales, etc.) can afford to put all their resources into one offspring.

Eliksni have about four offspring per gestation. Probably. We'll get into the nitty-gritty later. To my knowledge, there aren't any crustations that have clutch sizes that small, so to figure out approximate survival rates, I'm looking to mammals. For lions, another large social apex species that also has between 1-4 offspring per gestation, the survival rate for offspring is about 20%. This lines up perfectly with Eliksni. To me, that says it was tough being an Eliksni and shit was killing them all the time. Pre-Traveler contact, those adorable hatchlings were dying all the time.

"But Spire, why did you say probably an average of four?" You may cry, shaking your screen. Or not, I don't know. That's because of the exitance of Eggcloth! While, to my knowledge, the exact way eggcloth is created is unknown, one thing we do know is that it's made of the shells of eliksni eggs. And the only time this is mentioned it is in reference to crushing an egg. The specific line I'm getting this from I'm going to dig into, so I'll put the full thing here.

I should have crushed his egg and woven it into cloth; a regret I will always carry. "

Inaaks' great life regrets aside (no wonder Misraaks has mommy issues), she mentions destroying an egg and turning it into cloth. While it could be argued that this IS drastic, and she's just desperate, why would she turn it into cloth if it was? And eggcloth is a relatively common material made of broken eggs, as can be gathered elsewhere[1][2]. While in Achilles Weaves A Cocoon those broken eggs may have been broken on accident, with the other mention of crushing eggs in The Long Dark, I'm really not sure that's the case.

So, my theory is it's possible Eliksni clutches are larger then 4. It's just that more then four hatchlings need more recourses then most Eliksni can give, and the excess eggs are crushed and turned to eggcloth. One could argue eggcloth is usually made from the discarded shells of hatched eggs, but the fibrous material inside Eliksni eggs [1] may be ruined when the egg hatches, since it's only ever referenced to be made from broken eggs.

And now, let's talk about Eliksni teeth! It's confusing. I'll start by breaking it down.

I've divided Eliksni jaws into three sections (yes, I did figure out Blender just for this post lmao). It appears there might be a fourth section of teeth behind 3, but I can't get a good enough shot to figure out what those teeth would be used for.

This is the outermost section of teeth that are definetly for eating. They appear long and thin, with the exception of two cusped-like teeth on the front of the upper jaw. Thanks to this being an old model, the teeth are INCREADIBLY low-poly. What I can tell is that this layer of teeth is long, thin, sharp, and close together.

This is a pair of sharp and large teeth. While similar in appearence to rodent teeth, there is no corrisponding teeth on the upper jaw. I'll dig into this one soon.

This is the inner section of teeth. I have problems with how this inner section was handled. I will get to those problems in time.

I'll start with what's clear to me. Section 1, the outer teeth, are most likely for eating fish. Long, thin teeth like that are usually seen in aquatic animals that eat fish, as those thin teeth pierce fish like a spear and keep them in place, or hold fish within the animal's mouth depending on the size.

Section 2 is strange. The main option that appeals to me is that these teeth are for cracking open fruits or nuts. These teeth also could be used for separating fruit from rinds, as Achilles uses his section 2 teeth for separating egg materials. The top of the mouth's corresponding structure doesn't quite line up for this. There isn't quite as much of a structure on the upper jaw to press against as one would expect for that purpose. Section 2 might also be for display.

Section 3.... how I dislike section 3. This is plain old lazy modeling. A second set of thin sharp teeth, point blank, does not make sense. With the current tooth setup, it would appear that Eliksni are purely piscivores. They are not. While the full diet of Eliksni is never mentioned, they are treated as if they are omnivorous. Most omnivores possess grinding teeth. The reasonable location for grinding teeth would be behind the piercing teeth, but these are not grinding teeth, so that caught fish wouldn't have to go far through the mouth to be chewed. The reason for this is because in 2014 Bungie wanted to design a monster. Not a creature that lived in an alien ecosystem, but another thing to mow down en-mass. It makes sense from a monster design standpoint, but ugh.

Anyways, notes I have for now! As I get The Garden-Way I may have more thoughts. Or this may be completely disproven! Who knows!

[bagelsand-creamcheemse]

Friendly reminder that even if voting seems hopeless and like yours won’t do anything, you should still 10000% get out and do it tomorrow if you haven’t already. This election is not just a fight for the presidency but so so so many other positions. Your vote for local candidates, which you absolutely should be paying attention to, I PROMISE will count far more than you expect.

My local school board has three places in the running this year: each of them has 1 super normal candidate (2 of which are incumbents that have done a great job so far) and 1 batshit crazy opponent. the cuckoo-for-coco-puffs candidates are as follows:

1) a guy who was at the jan 6 insurrection and is running his campaign on essentially “lgbt and dei ideology is destroying student’s brains and opportunities” and the only way to fix the system is to go back to the good ol days and stop limiting “normal” students or whatever.

2) a white christian nationalist who has openly said she was christian nationalist “and that should tell you where I stand on most things” and supports extensive book banning and also going back to the good ol days.

3) a guy who is potentially less cuckoo for coco puffs but is still an absolute dingus that has literally no idea what’s going on. his campaign statements for various publications include a lot of “oh I don’t know how they’re doing things these days but I think we need to fix something. when I was on the board ten years ago we did it like X, but I dunno what they’ve done in the time since then or what it’s like now. I just know parents don’t seem to feel heard. we should change that.” with zero examples of any details or plans on how that would be achieved.

I can’t remember if that last guy is endorsed by them or not but I know that Moms for Liberty have endorsed the first two for sure, which is more than enough evidence for me to not want them in office even if I didn’t already know any of the above other stuff. (if you don’t know who Moms for Liberty are, they’re a group advocating for the removal of any mention of LGBTQ+ rights, gender and sexuality, critical race theory, race & ethnicity, discrimination, and more from school curriculums, and, as far as I can tell, were also initially formed to fight mask and vaccine mandates during COVID.)

If you think the climate is not as bad locally as it is nationally I can assure you that is not the case. I never would have imagined my city specifically — an average sized one with its own pride festival located in the greater hub of an even bigger left-wing metropolis — to have anyone like the three above to be seriously in the running. And yet here we are. The difference here is that there are far less constituents in a local election than there are nationwide, and a single voice weighs infinitely more here.

Research your local ballots and throw your support behind those who would support you — don’t let crazy people who hate your guts to get into your local school board or in a local judiciary position just because you didn’t feel like it would matter. Those are the people who will be making education decisions for your friends and families, who will be presiding over any cases that you and yours get involved in over the years of this next term.

You can’t always rely on the party markers on the ballots either — your area may have non partisan school board or judicial districts, which would only list the names of those running and nothing more. Sometimes a polling location will have party representatives set up outside to tell you which candidate falls under their party endorsement, but not every location will.

If you don’t know where to start for research, getting a sample ballot from your county’s website and just searching the names on it and going to their campaign websites to evaluate their policy statements (and check for any dog whistles) is always a really simple start. If your town/city/county has an active subreddit or facebook group, there may be people who have posted more candidate/campaign information there. If you live in Texas like I do, the League of Women Voters of Texas is a good resource for basic voter guides as well.

Please don’t let the doom and gloom mindset prevent you from having an active say in the people who represent you and make decisions for your community. With the way the political climate is right now, it may be a decision that haunts you for years. Get out and vote tomorrow.

[narhinafan]

Crack shipping is stupid af-no shipping is stupid. why should we care about which character marries who. Look dbz may have a toxic fanbase bit at least most of these fucks don't give dog craps about who's vagina Goku/Vegeta fuck and even then they don't take the GokuxVegeta as seriously as SnS do because there isn't anything pointing at them being gay or having feelings for each other which sns love to but that ship dies with one panel where Naruto is disgusted by kissing Sasuke and disgusted again when Kurama reminds him of it.

Back to the point. I said shipping is stupid because in the end it's the author's choice to have a character fuck another example chokarui who the fuck thought of that? It makes people forget what the story is even about like that one fuck who thinks Sakura is an example of hardwork when it's Fucking talent. Naruto is hardwork and even then the show is about friendship not that, the plot of H vs T is only with Lee not everyone anyways and that people don't understand how Underdogs fucking work. A good example is Goku vs Frieza because at first Goku was being beaten the shit out of him making him an underdog. Underdog is the character who's at an disadvantage which Naruto is always him being jinnchuriki and Minato's son didn't make anything better it just made it worse for him socially and mentally because he couldn't know who his parents fucking are.

Heck actually thanks to fucking Hinata did his social position even change. In the chunin exams when he defeated Neji is when everyone acknowledged him and it was thanks to Hinata."But everyone could have cheered him up" no Maybe Sasuke and Lee could but no Shikamaru doesn't know Naruto much at this point Sakura has the emotional maturity of a teenager (I don't hate her but saying she could give Naruto that kind of speech that Hinata gave him is like saying a veterinarian can cure testicular cancer, Sakura barely understands him and doesn't know how it feels like to be a failure like him ,Lee and HINATA are.) Jiraiya could but where the fuck was he. Kakashi is always late (they're my favorite character with Tobirama) Lee only could because he's a failure and Sasuke is a 50/50 you take your guess if he'll make it better or worse considering his inferiority to Itachi.Back to what I was saying, thanks to him upper cutting Neji did the Village's people start seeing him in a different light, they acknowledged that He's strong and Maybe not that bad. Did Sasuke/Sakura do that? No because again Kishimoto wanted fucking NH and I'll always point to that because of Hinata interfering in pain that Naruto met his Dad and defeated Pein and was named Konoha's hero/child of miracles of some stupid shit he probably doesn't care about as of now. Did Sakura go there and help him. No she didn't so stfu. Kudos to Kurama because he too helped in those times where his powers had a positive effect on Naruto's status (defeat Neji and Nagato) so my heart goes to that silly Fox .My point is that Hinata (with Kurama) had a very positive impact on Naruto's social status from Zero to Hero that most of this goddamn idiotic Fandom can't see because they have a peanut sized brain.Let me make it clear I am not a NaruHina fan nor did I ship but for God sake it makes better sense than whatever the fuck NaruSaku are cooking. Sns is just straight up creepy dude, they feminize Sasuke like he's some fucking doll. Bro has more testosterone than the average Kpop star (no hate towards them). Look at his adult design in Boruto and I dare you to say to me If he's feminine. And look I've seen femboys and Sasuke is no femboy

Fandoms are fucking disgusting with how stupid they can be. Naruto and Hinata are trans. How? If you're going to use a stupid argument and tell me I am transphobic because of that it just shows you're easily offended. I've always know thier Canonical straight male and female so why should I entertain your headcannon? Heck I don't entertain any headcanons on Characters' sexuality because it fucking idiotic and stupid. Why should I make a 100 page essay on Proving Naruto is gay when it's debunked by a single panel? It's just pure idiocy that's what it is.I love how people say Sakura giving SPR to Naruto is a "Kiss" and WOOO YEAAHH A WIN FOR NARUSAKUUUU!! When it's non consensual. So Sakura is a sexual harasser? Great way to defend NaruSaku with admitting that sexual harassment is ay-okay. Fucking retards"Ooo but Hinata stalked Naruto" yeah but did she cause him harm? "But she didn't try to talk to him when they were kids" good try retarted mother fucker but go read the chapter where that one Kumo guy and Naruto talked about B's past after that Naruto had gone to a spiked cliff and started having a flashback to his first fight with Sasuke which guess what. Hinata tried to cheer Naruto on so go do research before you try and open that toxic waste of a mouth you fucking idiots.

This fandom is full of shitheads and retards and Naruto on reddit is cesspool because when you dare and say that Temari is bland and overrated it's like you just opened Pandora's box for everything unholy. Then again people would hate you for starting the truth and dare say Hinata is better then Temari (not a Hinata fan btw. Temari is bland character that barley has any depth and so is Konan. Tsunade is the best out of all of them and if anyone would question me on that their just pure delusional).

And don't get me on Tenten/NejiTen. Is TenTen even a thing? Personally I thought everyone just forgot she existed and I personally don't like to act like I care about a character because I really don't care about her or team 9. Only Gai really.

She would have been good female character! How? Would she have effected the story? Because Hinata Sakura Tsunade did. Konan just stalled the story Hinata and Sakura and Tsunade did by supporting Naruto. How can Tenten or Temari do that. Konan could but she chose to kill Obito failed anyways.Heck Shisui the guy who we barley know shit about is a better character. No screentime all the relevance bruh Itachi and Danzo can't exist without Shisui he's the fucking King of this shit show. he's a good character because he affected the story and wasn't used as a plot device to explain the rotation.These people forget that the story revolves around Naruto and Everything needs to be revolved around him or someone close to him to affect the story.Itachi is revolved around Sasuke which is associated with Naruto Shikamaru wanted revenge on the Akatsuki which associate with Naruto Danzo is revolved about being Hokage which is associated with Tsunade and therefore Naruto. Yiu basically get it the story is always about Naruto so you need to have an effect on him have relevance. Naruto and Dragon ball have the most retared fandoms out there and goodlord they need a life and higher brain capacity .

This answer is too damn long of a rant.

I know crack shipping is the worse like ships that are some what reasonable is one thing, but when people ship somthing the clearly isn't going to work and try force feeding it to others is the worse. I really hate it when people act as if sns has any chance of happening cause it wasn't since neither Naruto or Sasuke are gay like you said.

Normal shipping is fine though as some pairings are quite reasonable or could happen if the author wanted it. Its just that some fans get out of hand especially when it was clear what the end game was going to be like with Naruto, Hinata was set up as the only possible love interest with her having a crush on him since her introduction.

Sakura is as far as possible from an example of hard work she has the talent, but wasted it by refusing to work hard unless someone was holding her hand. The show is about a lot of things hardwork, friendship, loneliness. There are a lot of messages in series as long as this.

Yeah no one other then Hinata could have picked up Naruto before the Neji fight for the simple reason no one else would be able to get him to let his guard down and drop his mask like he did for Hinata. Hinata has always been gentle and soft even during the exam showed kindness to Naruto wanting to help him in the written exam despite how it could get her in trouble. None of the characters could make him able to show his weak side and drop his fake confidence as none of them are the kind of characters who wouldn't make Naruto worse if he dropped his guard. Most would make fun of him or wouldn't have an idea what to say even Jiraiya at that point isn't close enough to Naruto to give him the support he needed.

NaruHina has always made sense it was clear they were going to be together and it only became certain as the series went on as every interaction ends up happening during big plot points.

Totally know what you mean about people acting as if Naruto and Hinata are trans is canon. Like seriously its not even headcanon its just forcing the idea due to their own insecurities and then trying to force feed to everyone in the Naruto fandom. If you point out the truth and facts they cry transphobic just cause you disagree with what they are so desperate to have as canon.

Sakura fans acting like SPR was a kiss in annoying the mood and setting did not have that kind of atmosphere at all it was medical treatment nothing more. In other manga yeah if the author intentionally plays up SPR and really sets the atmosphere then it can count as a kiss, but in Sakura's it was only medical treatment and even then it means little when Sakura pulls out the seal not long after when previously she complained about running out of chakra when Naruto was dying.

Hinata isn't even a stalker she only admired Naruto when he was in public places and as you pointed out did not harm him in anyway. Heck her attention would be far from unwanted if Naruto knew she was there he would have invited and befriended her and let Hinata watch and train with him in the open.

Temari isn't that bad she does have influence on both Shikamaru and Gaara who go on to influence Naruto. She is a side character though so she doesn't get shown that much nor her own character arc. I found her character interesting though as it becomes clear that she has always cared for Gaara even when he was his worse like a sister should. Plus her relationship with Shikamaru is a good overall.

Tenten could have been shown more out of the side characters she really didn't get a decent showing. I like NejiTen to me its the only Neji ship that makes any sense and a Hyuga weapon master sounds bad ass. Overall though she really did end up being forgotten about in the story and the only way she could influence Naruto is through her interactions with Neji, Hinata or Lee.

[rebelrayne]

what my husband thinks of the casa amor boys (plus toby as a bonus)

Under the cut

Andy

His earring looks like a little fucking handsaw. He has a handsaw on his ear. Who told him to stand like that? His 12 year old sister? Looks like one of those awkward guys that says “what do I do with my hands?” The way he holds his feet, he probably has a foot fetish. You could almost miss his nipples cause they’re not a natural color. He’s got a weird bump on his foot. And his left foot is way fatter than his right foot. What the fuck? He has a size 13 one foot and 9 on the other. What the fuck it looks like he’s wearing a ring on his left hand??? He’s a bottom. A sub bottom. Like a very submissive bottom. He looks like he has daddy issues. If you stan Andy, I will laugh at you and not take you seriously. Anything you say is not canon. Between him and Francis, they should be the most hated. I almost hate him as much as I hate Lewie. Probably has tea parties with stuffed animals. They call him “sir short stick”.

Francis

He looks like the fucking guy from ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ like the one that Sarah Marshall goes to Hawaii with. Does he go to the hair stylist 3 times a week to get his color right? No, that’s not a real beard he drew it on. Did he steal his grandma’s coat and sandals??? AND BRACELET??? Oh my God, JESS! He’s got a small hand like the guy from scary movie- “grab my strong hand!!” Looks like he’s into paranormal shit like he’s a ghost chaser. The AI did a fucking terrible job, it tried to mix scary movie small hand guy, a grandma and Russell Brand. I can’t tell if he had a belly button. Is he an alien??? This guy creeps me out. And his posture- just the way he holds himself. He’s creepy. He’s a version of Joe Goldberg that stole his grandmas sweater that’s his undercover outfit. The sweater is literally his baseball cap. Is that enough? Or should I keep going about his grandmas sandals she got during 1 AD? Those sandals saw Jesus they were there on resurrection day. Practices celibacy as a religion. If he was born in Spartan times, they would throw him to the wolves or over a cliff. I kind of wanna spartan kick him myself. See a special meme made by Jessie’s husband below:

Hamish

That’s fucking Tom 2.0 mixed with Zac Efron. He looks like he came out of fucking Baywatch. Been staring at Pamela Anderson’s tits. Got a knock-off Rolex. Not much to make fun of- this guy seems mostly normal. He doesn’t have any qualities I can laugh at. Even his posture and how he holds his hands is manly. Looks like he’s ready to punch Lewie in his asshole lips. I brought up he has small feet and he defended him. He has an average size dick, probably like 5.5 inches. He’s the guy everyone should want to get (unless he is a closet asshole). But even then, there’s a binary code of how much of an asshole he can be. He looks like he has a Christian Grey mentality. Probably has a red room and it’s hidden. Fuck now there will be fanfics of him doing BDSM… his nickname would be “Lord Ladies Man”. JESSIE’S HUSBAND STAMP OF APPROVAL - first and only one this season.

Marshall

Starts laughing that he has a butterfly on his chest. Why did he get a tramp stamp on his chest?? These tattoos are almost as bad as Will’s. Captain Jack Sparrow if he was a hipster. Most definitely swings both ways. I want to cut off his manbun when he’s sleeping… like half these tattoos don’t make any sense. He probably has shorty tattooed on his dick and it probably still says shorty when it’s erect. At least his chin isn’t square like Ozzy’s. This guy is weird looking and his tattoos give me the heebie jeebies. He’s a fucking dumpster rat. He’d be the king’s jester and wear clown makeup. Tries to juggle three balls- can’t find them. He looks like he enjoys his venti Starbucks drinks: “Can you froth the milk please sir?” Looks homeless, searches the road for pennys or whatever British cheap change is. Probably has OnlyFans for his feet.

BONUS: Toby

He literally looks like the kind of guy that is used as the main character in the game— he looks like a default setting lol he’s a random fucking palette. Looks like Vin Diesel’s baby brother I’m going to call him baby diesel. Why are his arms so short? At least he didn’t skip leg day. If you chopped off his head, he’d look like the perfect speciman of a man. Head looks like it should be on a crackheads. It’s small. Looks like he should be on prison break. Surprised he has no tattoos - looks like he’s been to prison a few times. Kind of sad he’s the last one… I wish Francis was the last one instead. Toby’s skin tone is off… his color is different from his head to feet. The AI said “lol not my fucking problem.” It said “make perfect man body with generic ass head.” Bro is gonna be NPC for life. (“You sound like Elliot” “shut the fuck up”). He’s so bland they gave him white swim shorts.

A/N to my fans: I love you degenerates. I work very hard at this to entertain and give you guys a full insight to what these characters really are. I appreciate your constant gratitude and thank you for allowing me to be your roast king. All other attempts are failures and they can come find me if they have something to say. I hope you all read this and then go back to read it again because it makes you happy. That is all.

PS: the AI really helped with these roasts this season because the character designs sucked. They made it very easy for me. I’d also really like to thank my top supporter, @caitkaminski . She’s been a fan for a long time (Apparently I am not a supporter). Here’s to next season. I will miss doing these til then. In the wise words of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, aka Maui: “You’re welcome.”

[vividachromatic]

since i saw it as an example you gave, i decided to go for it lol: can i please request scaramouche's reaction to y/n (f) being really insecure about her appearance? especially her chest size, acne scars, and lack of curves. she's just overall really insecure that she's not conventionally attractive enough ;;; thanks in advance!

Note: Everyone is beautiful, my dear. But I get, that insecurities can sometimes outweigh logic.

So here is Scaramouche comforting his s/o who's insecure about her appearance(: Hope you like it!!

Also the setting is, when he was still a fatui harbinger((:

Scaramouche x f!reader, who's insecure about her appearance

-

-

When you started dating Scaramouche, you were really happy.

Happy, that he liked you and you liked him.

Even though he seemed to like you regardless of your appearance, you knew that you weren't conventionally beautiful. You tried to not let it bother you most of the time, but today...

There was a snezhnayan festival today, and every harbinger would attend. Most of them with their partners.

You looked into the mirror with a frown. The person you saw looked sad, with acne scars covering her face. Her body looked average at best.

Would he be ashamed to attend with someone like you? Maybe you should just pretend, that you're sick...

But he chose a dress for you, that was traditional for these kind of festivals in snezhnazya. You were sure there would be so many pretty girls attending... looking stunning in their dresses complimenting their curves...

And then there would be you.

You sighed sadly when Scaramouche entered your tent. You probably can't tell him about your insecurities, he would probably just laugh.

"Are you okay? You've been here for quite some time now..." he asked as he saw you looking into the mirror.

"You don't have to attend with me, you know. I can just stay at home." you quietly admitted.

"Huh? So you don't want to go?" He crossed his arms. He didn't really feel like going to a place with so many people. The only reason he found it bearable this time, was because you would be there.

He wanted to scold you, for canceling your plans last minute, but then he saw your expression. You looked sad.

"Did something happen, Y/N?"

"No, it's just..." should you tell him? Would he just brush you off? You would probably cry, if he would, but you just needed to vent right now.

"I don't expect you to want to attend with someone like me, at a festival with so many pretty people..."

"Someone like you?" He really didn't what you meant by that. Did you mean you weren't pretty?

With his eyes, he scanned your body confused from top to bottom.

You felt stupid. You shouldn't have told him...

Even if he - for some reason - didn't notice it until now, he definitely would at this point.

He looked in your eyes again and sighed. "If you're not joking, then I seriously don't get it. What is it with the hyperfixtation you mortals have on meaningless stuff like that?"

"Ugh..." he stepped closer now and hesitantly put his arms on your shoulders. When he noticed, that you didn't resist, he brushed his hands along your arm, to comfort you. "See, I'm not really good at this comforting stuff, but... I hate to see you sad. And it's not just, that I wouldn't care if you weren't 'conventionally attractive', I also don't see it. I think everybody is ugly."

You looked to the ground, ashamed. He was right, you were probably just being stupid...

Great, so... he thought you were ugly, but at least he didn't think you were especially ugly. At least that's something, right?

But he wasn't done talking yet. When his hands reached yours, he held them and nervously fondled with your fingers.

"But with you- you see... it's different. I don't think-" He started muttering quietly, while blushing.

"I don't think, I have ever seen someone I found beautiful, before I met you."

His embarrassed face quickly changed to confidence again. "So, all those stuff you just said? If you weren't you, I would incinerate anyone who dares to talk to you about that. So, don't do that." He teasingly pointed his finger at your nose.

"I might let you get off with a warning." he winked.

"You don't actually mean that, right?" Even though his words slightly comforted you, they couldn't be true. It didn't make any sense. There were so many pretty girls-

"Are you saying, I'm lying?" he asked slightly offended, "I mean it. I can't stand to look at other people's faces for more than 5 seconds. They look all so stupid."

"You're the only one I deem fit to stand beside me." He told you, while firmly looking in your eyes.

You blushed. He wasn't the kind of person, who would comfort you with lies...

So, did he mean it?

Maybe you were really just too judgmental with your own appearance. After all, there were many girls with the same body type as you, you found pretty.

But even if that wasn't the case. You thought it was okay, if Scaramouche would see you like that.

He kissed your forhead and smiled, while looking at you, as if you were his whole world.

Yes... if he just kept looking at you like this, it would be okay.

[wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart]

A slightly less average day in Family Video

A girl with shoulder length blond hair and a huge stack of tapes goes to the counter. Steve, who had wrongly assumed that Robin could handle herself for ten minutes, tries to intervene. It is in vain. He is aware that it is in vain, even as he sprints towards them. Tapes clatter behind him on the floor. Unfortunately the noise is not enough to dissuade the innocent customer, who barely even pauses on her way to the ticking time bomb that is Robin Buckley.

He feels like in a movie, everything around him suddenly moving in an excrutiatingly slow pace. He is the only one who can see the incoming disaster, and yet there is nothing he can do but watch. Watch as Robin's lips twitch - not in the fun "I actually find your stupid joke hilarious but I refuse to laugh because it is so stupid and beneath me" way, but the decidedly more concerning "I am uncomfortable and overwhelmed someone get me out of this situation please". Watch as her nostrils start to flare in that particular way that means she is trying really hard not to burst into tears.

Oh dear.

Needless to say, the blonde does not take any of the tapes home with her. Steve watches in envy as she exits the shop. Ah, to be a free spirit, able to escape his soulmate's laments with no guilt or remorse or consequences. But alas, he has been cursed with a bleeding heart, a guilt complex the size of Indiana and a useless lesbian. And so, instead of doing the reasonable thing and escaping this hellscape, he goes towards the explosive variable. Dingus indeed.

"Hey, how about we take a break, huh?" Steve tries to recalls the rules about approaching wild animals - Dustin had a phase when he first got Dart. No loud noises. No sudden movements. Slow and steady. Take everything at the anima- at Robin's pace. (He'll have to tell her that one when she is less upset. She was literally named after a bird, so drunk on exhaustion Robin will find it absolutely and disproportinately hilarious)

He physically recoils when he catches a glimpse of Blondie's would-be haul. Dirty Dancing. The Princess Bride. Purple Rose of Cairo. Of all the days for a romcom movie night. At least Steve can rest assured that he isn't God's only favorite chewtoy. Isn't that what it means to be soulmates, after all? Doomed by forces beyond your comprehension together?

Steve looks at the evergrowing stack left behind on the counter (only one person managed to actually rent out the movies, and that was when Steve had sent Robin to her third break in two hours), the three movies still laying on the floor (please no one step on them please no one step on them by the love of god please nobody step on them) and prays nobody checks the security footage today as he leads Robin to what must be her sixth break. The shift is barely halfway over.

Now, Steve is neither a lesbian (he looks at boys a tad too long to only be interested in girls) nor a high school student (class '85 baby!). However, he is the unfortunate resident of a nosy and boring small town (seriously, fuck Hawkins), very aware of how draining it is to have to keep a big secret in said nosy and boring small town (if you think about it, are a person's sexuality and flesh-devouring monsters from a different dimension truly that different?), and has also morphed into one eldritch agglomeration with his bestest most favorite person of all times (Mike's words. Apparently the way he and Robin can read each other's minds is "freaky" or something), so he is very aware and sympathetic of their struggles and beliefs.

Such as this: the list of people you can cry on when your not-quite-girlfriend-but-definitely-something-more-than-friends-you-are-maybe-kind-of-in-love-with suddenly breaks it off is remarkably shorter than if said person was a boy. In Robin's case, the list is exactly one person long. Well, technically two, but it would be very awkward and painful to sob on the person who is the reason for your tears.

"It's s-s-so. So ssssstupid. I mean we were-weren't even a-an-any-anything. I don't know why I'm so u-up-up-p-p-pset"

Steve nods and rubs her back. He hopes his expression is as sympathetic and righteously mad on her behalf as the first time he heard the story.

"We used to kiss und-d-d-der the bleachers. The same b-b-b-bleachers we face whenevvvvvvver we p-p-p-practic-ssss-e in band. How am I sup-p-p-p-pposed to look at those stupid fucking b-b-b-leachers without thinking about her lips and her leeeegs and-"

"Such stupid bleachers", Steve dutifully agrees. He wonders whether one of the kids can maybe hack into the CCTV to delete the footage? Surely they can't be fired without any hard evidence, right? The last thing Robin needs right now is the inevitable stress that comes with job hunting.

"Howwww- how do you d-d-deal with it?!"

It takes a moment of Robin staring at him expectantly before he realizes that she went off-script and he is expected to actually answer her question. You know, like a proper sympathetic best friend and soulmate is supposed to act.

"How do I deal with what?"

"With the b-b-b-break-k-k-kkkk-kups? Me and her weeeeeeren't even-"

"Your emotions are valid" Steve shamelessly steals Robin's go-to saying whenever he is unreasonably upset about something stupid. She hits him, which is fair. Maybe he was being a little bit mocking about it. Sue him.

"It's like-", he pauses, searching for a more tactful way to say it. But then again, he has never been great at expressing himself and Robin always gets him anyways, so he just goes for it. "I mean. It's not like anyone is really upset after a breakup you know."

Robin blinks. Once. Twice.

"Wwww-wh-what?"

"I mean. You explained it to me. Sexism and all that shit. If a girl isn't upset and stuff she's called a slut. Boys don't have that, and they seem to always be fine. I mean, Tommy P. was making out with Alicia literally the same day he got dumped by Sarah. It's all just about peacocking and status and all that stupid stuff."

Maybe he was overestimating Robin's telepathic abilities, because she looks even more confused. "Sssso you just got together with all those girls because. What. It-t-tt was expect-ted of youuu?!"

Maybe Steve's own telepathic abilities are also failing him because like. Obviously?! What's the hang-up?

"So you decided yourrrrr girrrrrrrrrrlfriends based on what-t? Whether they were cheeeeeeer-cheerleaders?!"

"I mean. That's what everyone did, isn't it? Expectarions and all that crap." Steve starts wondering if maybe Robin has something stuck in her eye. "Like, of course I wouldn't start anything with someone if I didn't like them as a person. But the girls were cute, and making out is fun, and I like hanging out with them so like, why not. If it got boring after a while I just broke it off, no harm no foul."

"SSSSO YOU SST-sss-STAYED TOGETHER WITH HER UNTIL YOU FOUND A SHINIER NEW T-T-T-TOYYY?!"

"Hey, you don't need to say it like that. It's not like I was doing anything different from everyone else. Society is fucked, or whatever it is you always say."

A pause. "Steve.... if it sounds heartless....it's b-b-b-because it issss. I hate to say it but.... I don't thiiiiiink all of your girlfriends saw it the sa-sa-sa-same way you did. I mean, did you look at T-t-t-tammy? She looked devastated for wwwweeks. I remember I was so mad at you for that. You didn't even seem to not-t-t-t-t-no-notice."

Silence. It's Steve's turn to blink. Once. Twice. He starts to wonder if the thing Robin had stuck in her eye was knowledge. Or maybe tears. Regret?

"But. The slut thing-" "Steve. How did you feel about Nancy? Was it the same thing?" "No! It- I don't know. It was. She was- ...Oh."

In the quiet that follows, Steve swears he can hear his own heart crack in two.

"I mean, we weren't even together-together most of the time. Or some of the time, at least. Like-" (Robin, cheeks red from all the crying. "I mean, we weren't even anything". And maybe Steve didn't quite understand the reason for these tears, but he understood pain and he understood Robin so he held her close anyways)

"Wait Steve, no. I-I'm so- sorr-rrr-sorr-y"

And fuck. Isn't he an absolutely selfish and horrible person? Here he comes, finding out he hurt perfectly lovely girls, figuring out that the "heartbreaker" moniker is less a joke and more a warning, and then he has the audacity to feel hurt. He. Shame burbles up in his gut, multiplying until it comes leeking out of his eyes.

It's shameful and horrible. It is even more shameful and horrible because Robin is currently going through what they had probably felt, too. Tammy who loved singing to the radio. Layla who loved making friendship bracelets. Natasha who also had a love for basketball. He imagines them locked up in their rooms, trying to hold onto him even as they know it is fruitless, feeling like after that stupid halloween party - because of him. He wants to hurl.

And Robin, always overthinking, always overeager - Robin who is trying to nurse her own broken heart and doesn't understand what he is feeling but she understands pain and most importantly she understands him. Robin gives him a kiss on the forehead and holds him close.

"I shhhhhhouldn't have been so-so-so-ssssso harsh. I was frusssss-trated and I let it out on you I'm sorry."

Steve smiles sardonically. "My feelings are valid?" She flicks him on the forehead and laughs.

-> the gay crisis that wasn't

-> stobin partner tattoos (aka tramp stamp)

-> fighting the war on heteronormativity on the side of headache (ft. Tim Curry)

-> Hawkins has cryptids and they are movie snobs

[xiyouyanyi]

JotG S2: The Ramifications

-SWK didn't leave MK to go on a vacation. Well, he tried to say so, but MK interrupted him and asked him if he could go to the Celestial Realm instead, to check on the two immortals who helped them out. And he was like "Yep, that just happened to be my first stop!"

"I don't want them to be in trouble. They…okay, one of them isn't the nicest person, but she still helped me out. Hopefully they won't. But if they do get into trouble, would you like, help them back? For me?" "Sure bud, don't worry. I'll keep an eye out."

-In truth, he got a summon from Thunder Bureau, and proceeded to spend most of S2 lying skillfully in court, trying to conceal his disciple's existence from prying eyes and get a lighter sentence for their helpers, while also bringing attention to the more urgent issue that was LBD.

-He paid a visit to Kui Mulang, now imprisoned inside a much more secure cell, with Thunder Nails stabbed through his shoulder blades. A harsh exchange ensued: SWK pried for intel about Ivory Lady the Ghostly Immortal, Kui Mulang responded with a series of mockeries and scathing remarks, before tossing out this bombshell. 

"I'll tell you everything I know, if you tell me what happened to my children." The Wood Wolf Star said, eyes hidden under the shadow casted by his messy, blood-soaked mane. "The Great Sage is capable of some exquisite destruction, but I do not believe, for a second, that he is a child killer." "...Even if they are alive, do you seriously think you can still get back into their lives? That they'll ever want you in their lives, after what you'd done to their mother?"  "Ah, so they are alive." "..." "I'm not asking where they are. Only what happened to them." Kui Mulang continued. "In exchange, you get to know all about that ghastly acquaintance of mine. Deal?"

-The Dumpling Destruction episode got slightly adjusted to suit the new "court case" scenario: it wasn't the Four Devarajas’ fault, but one of the Four Thunder Generals——Deng, Xin, Zhang, Tao.

-See, having a bunch of thunder and lightning-wielding guys be both judges, lawyers, SWAT teams, and executioners tend to make your average court case…quite heated.

-And during one of those heated arguments that lasted from the Thunder Bureau official halls all the way to the dining room next door, someone imbued their breakfast with Thunderfire and threw it at the other guy, who dodged just in time; the flaming dumpling flew out of the window and fell through the clouds, straight toward the Lower Realm.

-Like, it was still regular dumpling-sized, but that wasn't gonna matter because Thunderfire was more high-grade explosives than flames, and the impact was still enough to flatten half of the city. 

-In fact, searching for this tiny, free-falling object just made the mission even harder, and the first thing people noticed on the ground wasn't the dumpling, but the roaring thunder that accompanied dozens of winged generals as they combed through the sky, desperately looking for the offending object on Lord Wen's orders.

-SWK told MK what all the fuss was about via astral projection, then went back to breaking up the fight in the dining hall, because yes, after casually tossing a mini-nuke out of the window, these four were still engaging in their violent legal debate. 

-Lord Wen wondered, for the billionth time in his life, if one of the Taisui gods or someone in the Dipper Mansion really had it out for him, then sighed and ordered Hanzhi's temporary release, just so the Wind Bureau could assist in the search too.

-Mei, being part of the West Sea dragon clan, was obliged to help out any Celestial Bureaus involved in weather creation by virtue of an ancient accord. She wasn't too happy about it, as MK and Tang set off to find something in FFM's vault that could create a protective barrier over the city, in case the others all failed their spot checks.

-I'm making some tweaks to the treasures we are collecting, mostly by replacing them with ones from FSYY. Instead of the Demon-revealing Mirror, we have the Yin-Yang Mirror(阴阳镜) of Chijing Zi, and instead of the Crimson Jimweed, we are looking for the Chaihu Grass of Shennong.

-Since the full Yin-Yang Mirror is too OP, in this AU, it was split into its white and red halves: the white half can insta-kill anything with a soul, the red half can revive whatever the white half killed, and FFM's vault only got the red one, which was useless on its own.

-Also, instead of Guanyin's vase, the treasure they were looking for was a crystalline vase containing the Divine Water of Triple Light(三光神水)——a substance that could transform ordinary water into a self-regenerating magical barrier, also from FSYY.

-But Tang, who thought "that other God-Demon novel" was boring and not as well-written as JTTW (true), didn't know that. He still found it despite looking for the wrong vase the entire time, while pursued by Spider Queen's minions; a truly incredible feat. 

-The Thunderfire-imbued dumpling was found by Mei and neutralized safely in midair via Hanzhi's tornado, seconds after the Divine Water barrier went up.

-All four Thunder Generals received fifty lashes, on top of the beatdown they received from SWK. Hanzhi, being the natural gossiper she was, revealed her "on parole until mission's over" situation, as well as SWK's involvement in the court case to Mei.

-Of course, Mei told MK, which…only added to his guilt and anxiety. Come Minor Scale, this also changed LBD's approach: instead of telling him that SWK left because he picked the wrong successor, she focused on how his mentor had to clean up his mess, that maybe SWK didn't tell him all the truth for a good reason——he just couldn't be trusted with it.

-One question remained: why was LBD trying to rebuild the Bone Mech, when it could no longer be a vessel for one of the Ten Kings post-deification, and even if it could, the dead Shang kings would not have answered the calls of anyone who wasn't a direct descendant of theirs?

-Because it is less about the soul they are pulling out of the Underworld, and more about creating a passage between the world of the living and the dead, which is why she needed the staff.

-As Yu the Great's extendable ruler, not only can it change its size and length at will, it can also command the Water element as a whole——including the water of the Underworld rivers, the Nine Springs.

-So LBD is using the Bone Mech to create a canal between the two realms, then using the staff to draw the Nine Springs through. Which, like everything Underworld, is the purest Yin-aligned substance you can find, and reacts with Yang-aligned energy in unusual ways: in this case, it creates a living, growing ice that encases Yang-aligned entities upon contact.

-This is how the Ice Hells are constructed: every wall, every floor, is made of condemned souls of the deceased. But unlike in the Underworld, where the flow of Yang energy is predictable, controllable, and quite weak in strength, when the same water enters the mortal realm where Yang energy is so abundant, it just grows and grows and insta-freezes everything it touches.

-With the reverse-flooding also came tons of ghosts, finally escaping their confinement in the Eighteen Hells, but honestly, that was the least of everyone's worries. 

[eruden-writes]

Strictly Pleasure - Part 9 PREVIEW

orc x human age gap paranormal romance 9 of ?

Short summary: An orc with a rock n’ roll past has a crush on a single human mother.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

First - Previous - Masterlist

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Full Part 9 can be found on Patreon right now! ;3

Whether Travis intentionally ignored Heidi or simply did not hear her, he continued on, “No, seriously, good for you. I’m sure they find you tight enough for them but us regular sized fell-” 

Jek interrupted the troll’s unnecessary topic of conversation with a  derisive scoff. Heidi’s eyes wheeled up to her companion, still avoiding Travis’s gaze. Her eyes grew large, registering the foreign expression on Jek’s face. The look in his eyes was off as he stared at the unwelcome interloper. Like a cat idly interested in a bug that they’d soon squish. She glanced at his friends across the club, wondering if she should stop Jek before something terrible happened. If even one of them saw the warning signs, surely their expression would tell her.

“What.” Slowly, Travis turned to the previously ignored orc, a sneer already in place on his grey lips.

“Nothing, nothing. You just look smaller than the average-sized troll, that’s all.” Jek made a motion with his hand, his forefinger and thumb a few inches apart. He chuckled and only lowered his hand to scratch carelessly at his ear, though the fact he used his middle finger didn’t escape Heidi’s attention. 

Travis’s eyes flickered to the motion of Jek’s finger, his frown deepening as the juvenile gesture registered. “You know, I used to be a big Theoretical Menace fan, ‘til I saw you turned into a porn hocker.” 

“They say do what you love. I love music and sex. How about you, little guy?” The smile grew across Jek’s lips as he pushed away from the table and stood. 

That movement caught the attention of Calib and Torrik, Heidi realized, as the faun and gargoyle looked toward Jek. Something in their body language - a sudden straightening of their spines or a brief flinch in their expression - betrayed their masked concern. With the way Jek leaned over Travis, that smile never leaving his lips as he loomed over the troll, Heidi suspected she knew why they were concerned. Despite his smile, the air around Jek snapped like a dog barely held by a chain.

Travis didn’t back down as Jek stood. Instead, he proudly jutted his chin out and met the orc’s gaze head on. “I work in sales. Didn’t Heidi tell you? Or did she leave out how she used me as a money ticket for years?” 

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

If you like my content, please consider supporting me on: 

*:･ﾟ✧ Patreon or  Ko-Fi *:･ﾟ✧

[thisnameisnotspokenfor]

Could it be possible that stars true form are similar to biblical accurate angels?

(This won't leave my head when you mentioned eyes at the back of Cephs head.)

Something incomprehensible to humans.

On a side note how well-learned is Asha about her world? Since her mom was a sailor I wondered what stories she would have told Asha about her time as a merchant. Does Asha have any cousins and how well is her relationship with her uncle?

Can she identify what a penguin is?Or animals not native to her home? If she were to travel to another kingdom for a possible vacation where would be her first choice?

What are her other interests other than astronomy,crocheting,science,inventing,sketching and surviving?

What are her current skill sets? Can she pick a lock? Because I don't believe Sabino would not teach her how to get out of a cage or such if she were to ever be kidnapped. Her paranoia must come from somewhere?

Sorry if these were all to much.

I enjoy and am very invested in your Asha,her story and your world building.

(Sorry Ceph but I just prefer Asha and world building more than you. PS.Cloaks and shawls are better capes)

Thank you! ❤️ I’m glad you like my Asha and my story/worldbuilding 🥹

((

Ceph: *starts choking*

Asha: are you okay?

Ceph; no! There’s so much audacity in this comment that I’m literally dying! You’re killing me north towards me- YOU ARE KILLING A STAR!

Magnifico: *elsewhere in a room full of confused advisors* why do I feel like I am being challenged?

Ceph: there’s absolutely no way you expect me or any other star to honestly answer that question after your little ‘shawl’ comment- no seriously! That’s just not right! This is crazy! And that’s something coming from me!

Asha: finally someone with good taste!

Ceph: and this is why none of you will know my birth name. Ever. ))

During her earlier years in her apprenticeship Asha ended up shadowing a lot of ministers when magnifico had basically turned his attention to the other apprentices. She spent a lot of time studying about other countries and their histories- Arendelle and Corona to name a few, and tends to socialize with their diplomats to learn more about their technology/science (so she can strengthen her argument on the science’s legitimacy!) so overall I think it’s a bit safe to say that Asha knows a lot more about the world beyond Rosa’s than your average Rosa’s native born (most don’t really plan to leave Rosa’s ya know? So they’ve never been too bothered about learning about distant countries in depth)

Sakina has told her a lot about her times sailing and the crazy adventure she did. She had a lot of dangerous run ins with supernatural creatures like Davy Jones and sirens. And also met Calypso (POTC Calypso) she got collections of picture books from her time abroad to show Asha the world beyond Rosa’s. So She can identify a lot of animals non-native to Rosas

Asha also has a few little cousins and her relationship with her uncle is very good (they built her sailboat together) and he always brings her gifts whenever he comes around, but he hasn’t been too big on visiting Rosas since Tomas passed. If she were to travel to another country I think she’d definitely want to visit Corona- so she can nerd out over Lord Demanatus’s work. In a perfect world she’d also love to visit Atlantis (maybe even moreso than Corona!) (She’s not too big on Arendelle and Scotland for their magic and bears and magical bears tbh 😬)

Asha: there’s more to life than survival? (Jk) she loves diplomacy and history. She does still love art here too but she draws less frequently due to being overworked. if her life had gone better she’d still be huge on musical theatre. She also likes wrestling/grappling too- the main branches of self defense her grandfather taught her that would be advantageous against bigger people due to her smaller size! Asha is also a firm believer in stress baking (don’t tell Sabino)

As for her current skill set Asha can definitely pick a lock (she’s so good at fixing them that there’s no way she doesn’t know how to break a few) and there’s also no way Sabino would teach some noble boy how to pick the lock but not his own granddaughter. Asha is also quite well trained for her circumstances unless magic comes in. Then she’s kinda toast.

[joshslater]

Sucker Punched

Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

I was the last one from the crew left at the bar. Andrew had left early, Jon and John had to catch a bus, and in the end it was just Michael and I for a last whiskey. I had finished mine quickly, and was halfway through my second “last” whiskey when he left. He had some contractor he needed to meet in the morning, leaving me to empty the remainder of my glass alone. I reckoned I should take a piss before walking home as well, to avoid having to make a stop in the park.

Just when I was headed to the men’s room I saw one of the girls from the annoyingly loud table at the other end of the bar walking toward the ladies’ room. In my tipsy state I thought it would be a fun joke to follow her and give a funny one liner. "Is this where I pick up ladies?" perhaps. That wasn't really funny, but I was sure I would have something great to say. I didn't have time to find out. As soon as I entered the ladies’ room she pivoted around, shouted "CREEP" and slapped me. At the same time someone exited a stall, grabbed my shoulder, and swung me around.

In front of me was a petite, goth-looking girl with raven hair, black lips, and a nose ring. "Go back to the boys’ room and play with their toys, you fucking creep!" she shouted, and kneed me in the groin so hard I blacked out.

When I came to I was sitting on the floor of the ladies room, with my groin in agonizing pain. I staggered into the men’s room and emptied my bladder under excruciating pain. As I exited the bar everything looked pretty much the same as before, so I could not have been out for long. I walked home and crashed in bed. Had I not been so drunk I would probably have tossed and turned in pain, but instead I went out like a lamp.

Waking up was something differentl entirely. Besides the normal trappings of hangover, I rocked a massive erection that screamed in pain. All morning I was contemplating just being naked all Saturday, but eventually managed to slip on some basket shorts. You know the brag warnings for penis pills "Seek medical attention if your erection lasts longer than 3 hours". By lunchtime, meaning 3 pm on a Saturday, I was seriously considering going to the hospital. I kept running the conversation in my head though. "Hi, a goth girl kicked my junk and now I have a chronic hard on. Do you have any remedies for being a pervert" Fearing my medical premiums being erected as well, and the fact it slowly hurt less and less made me decide to tough it out. Thankfully I had enough food at home to not leave the apartment, and went to bed that evening still with a considerable tent.

He was in his early twenties, dark hair, boyish face, pale skin. His lithe body was smooth, save for a faint treasure trail just below the belly button. There was a hint of a six-pack, but less from lifting weights and more from having very little body fat. He wore skimpy, swim diver trunks that hugged the body. Like a bright blue shrink wrap they highlighted his firm ass and average size bulge.

He smiled as he walked towards me next to the swimming pool. I looked around and realized that we were the only people in the massive swim arena. He was only a few steps away now.

"Good you came. I'm so happy I can help you." "What?" "It has to be a first time for everyone. I'm so honored to be doing this with you. I'll guide you slowly. Just do what I tell you."

He held out a thick, white shower towel to me. I took it.

"Put it on the floor and get down on your knees."

I realized that I too was almost naked. I had nothing on except for similar, white, body-hugging speedos. I put the folded towel on the tiled floor next to the swimming pool and kneeled on it, staring right into his belly.

"First, the best is if the other guy stands or sits straight. Make sure he can see everything you do. You want to involve as many senses as possible."

He put both of his thumbs inside the swim trunks and pulled down several inches, exposing a clean-shaven, semi-erect penis and scrotum.

"Try to always have more than one thing happening. Have at least one hand touching him at all times, even if it is just holding him. Here, place your hands on my hips."

He had a really soothing voice. I did as he said and put my hands on his sides, running my thumbs up and down his V.

"You don't want to just put it in your mouth. You want to at least start with a hand job. But do it in one direction, from the tip to the base, so there is a big upgrade when you put it in your mouth. If there is no lube, like now, start by licking it."

I started licking his dick from top to base, over and over. After doing that a few times I made sure the underside and balls also were wet.

"Great. You don't want to be too quick, but you also don't want to tease too long. A few minutes at the most. Now, the most important part, until you really know what you're doing, is that the teeth should never touch. For now, just curl your lips around them and start working on the tip. You decide how deep you want to go, but keep it slow and steady."

I did as he said and started doing shallow strokes, in and out. In and out.

"Yes, you got it. Focus on what you do with your mouth and lips. The tongue doesn't really matter nearly as much. Now, at this point you can start using your hands a bit more. Try tickle the balls or the perineum. That's the part behind the balls going toward the back.

Yes, like that. Be careful about pulling. Many times it is a safer bet to lift the balls and let go. Remember, it's all about creating as much sensation as possible, so move your hands around, stroke the upper, inner thighs. Keep the rhythm though. Slow and steady."

It was like playing some coordination game. While I was trying really hard to not mess up the actual blow job, my hands were going all over the place, trying out the different suggestions he was giving.

"Now let's go for a neat trick. Take one hand, make an O with your fingers, and do a hand job in sync with the blow job. Keep it just in front of the mouth so I can't feel which is which. Oh boy, yeah, that's it. You got it."

I was feeling really good about how everything was coming together and I could tell that he was getting close to his finish. Instead of giving any directions now he was just moaning, and he had placed one hand on my head, teasing my hair. For some reason hearing him moan made me glow with pride.

Then suddenly, without any warning, he just started pumping cum into my mouth. I hadn't really thought about what to do. Swallow? Pull out? Hamster? At the same time I could feel my own dick shooting load after load.

I woke up, almost gasping for air. In a confused moment I wondered where all the cum had gone. It had all been a dream. Well, not all of it. I turned on the light and checked the sheets, and I don't think I've ever had that much cum on me before. Whatever my dick had saved up during the weekend was all dumped on me now. It looked like someone squeezed a bottle of shampoo all over my mid section. Well, at least I didn't have to go to the ER for my erection, because that problem was solved. But what a fucking dream. I’ve never been tempted to do any gay shit before. The clock showed 4:14, so I did the least I could. Changed the bed sheets, showered the lower part of my body, and went back to sleep, this time wearing boxer briefs.

I slept until well after 9, and to my relief I could take a piss like normal. If anything my dick felt small and spent after its heroic act as a flagpole for 28 hours straight. At least it felt like things were getting back to normal, and I could spend the entire Sunday putting things back together as you would after any heavy party weekend.

Despite the overcast it is a suffocatingly hot day. The concrete ground and tiled buildings around us radiate heat, and the shade roof keeps the hot air stale beneath it. A chainlink fence separats us from the empty street. The black man has worked up a thin sheen of sweat dribbling the basketball, though his high tech blood red Nike Jordan baller shorts fabric looks the same wet as dry. He stops juggling with the ball and looks straight at me.

"Hey Boy! Come and suck black cock!", he demands loudly. I look behind me, but we are alone in the court. I hesitate. "Don't make me wait! It'll just be worse for you if you let me wait", he continues to shout. I walk towards him. I'm wearing basket shoes, calf-high crew socks, and basket shorts, but no shirt as well. I, too, am sweaty in the heat. As I approach him he makes no attempts to move closer or do anything at all. "Yo, get on with it".

I kneel in front of him. The rough concrete is uncomfortable, but not painful. Still with hesitation I lower his shorts. His body is tall and toned, athletic without being overly muscular. Once the glossy fabric passes his large dick and balls the shorts falls into a heap around his ankles. He is not wearing any underwear, so I’m almost getting slapped in the face by his long penis. I start licking the shaft of the dick, and then down to the tip. Just as I’m about to work the underside he suddenly grips my head and thrust his dick deep into my mouth, making me gag. “This is for me to enjoy, not you, slut boy!” and starts thrusting his dick back and forth, while holding my head in place.

Every thrust he makes is painful, forcing its way through my gag reflex and down my throat. He just kept going and going and going. My body makes the most horrendous noises of slurps and wet gagging. I try every way I can think of to make it better. Relax, adjust my breathing, position myself better, move with him. It gets better, or perhaps it is just my gag reflex giving up, but in the end I find that the best I can do is to attempt to take over. To stroke him, the dick, the balls, and to control how deep his dick goes. It seems to work, and for what feels like an eternity I work his dick. Suddenly he grabs my head with both hands, pushes as far in as possible, and buried my nose deep in his pubes. I can feel him pumping load after load after load deep inside my chest.

I was almost angry as I lay in bed. It was still an hour until the alarm would go off, but I had thoroughly creamed my boxers. As I stepped into the shower and pulled them off I thought my cock looked spent. My dick and balls were definitely smaller than usual. Just a thumb sticking out over a pair of balls running scared up into the groin. As if I had already had a long, cold shower.

I was off my game the entire day at work. Had the girl done something to me? It must have been her. Did she give me something while I was blacked out? On my way home I swung by the bar for an after-work beer, but couldn't see them.

Back home I decided to do something, anything to get things on track. I pick the normal items, position myself in front of the computer and load up pornhub top list. “Daddy Lets Me Ride His Cock”. Ten minutes and forty seconds later my dick isn’t harder than my earlobes, but I am getting horny. I spend another 20 minutes hopping the top list, personal favorites, and random suggestions. Step siblings, truck stop gang bang, and big tit ebony babe nympho only made things worse. I was going to bed as upset as when I woke up, but now it was more out of frustration and exasperation. What the fuck was happening to me?

It's a slow day in the diner, perhaps the lunch crowd already left. As I enter I recognize the patrons sitting by the bar from the truck stop gang bang video. "Look y'all it's him cocksucker" one of them says loudly as I approach the bar. "I reckon we all up for a good ol' BJ before we're on our way" he continues, before he starts to unbuckle his jeans.

He's neither caring like the swim diver nor assertive like the baller, but just stands there, passive, leaving the entire blow job up to me. I work and work on his fat, short dick, but he is taking forever to cum. I try all the different tricks, and finally after an eternity he shots a load in a few, small dribbles. That's a lot of work for very little fireworks. It feels like a chore. I move on to the next guy, who’d continued eating while causally observing me blowing the first trucker.

*meep* *meep* *meep*

I push the phone silent. Finally a full night’s sleep. I check the bed. Dry. The boxers however have like a teaspoon of cum. My dick has shriveled even further, down to   prepubescent   size. Is this the new normal now? And what the fuck is up with the gay shit? This is sick! I somehow managed to push it aside and not give it much thought during the day, but I desperately need to get hold of the goth girl. I decided to make another go at finding her at the bar after work.

It's after-work happy hour and not many patrons are in yet. I recognize the bouncer from last Friday. A tall guy that looks like an Irish rugby payer. Strong and athletic, without aiming for a six-pack. I walk up to him. "Hey, you probably get this a lot, but I was here last Friday and met a girl I need to get in contact with. Short, black clothes, black hair, black lips, white skin. Very goth feel. Oh, and a nose ring I think."

He gives me a long look before responding. "Yeah, I know who you mean. She said you would come asking. Left a message." My mood went from Yes! to Shit! in half a second. What did she tell the bouncer? "Nothing bad I hope." I'm trying to gauge him, but he is all poker face. "Not bad at all. Come with me. Sam! Take over five!"

We walk inside the bar and he leads the way. My head is spinning with thoughts on where this leads. What did she leave me? A bit too late I realize that we are not going to the kitchen or any staff area, but he is taking me to the men’s room. "After you," he says, holding up the door. He makes a quick glance that all stalls are empty and locks the door.

"Now, suck my dick, boy!"

Immediately I kneel in front of him, on the restroom tile floor, unbutton his city camo pants, and tease out his cock from his 2(x)ist underwear. I take command and try to be as active as possible, and he follows my lead. It's clear that he isn't used to someone doing all the things I do to him. He doesn't really know what to do with his hands, but judging by the moans he doesn't care. Not wanting him to come too soon, I pace him, switch around techniques, so he can come at exactly the right moment. There is that pride again, as I control his moaning and he is overcome with pleasure. Finally he pumps rope after rope of cum down my throat.

At exactly the moment he pulls out the dick with a final slurp, as I suck it clean on exit, the spell breaks. I realize that I've just given head to a real man. I'm on my knees on the floor in a bar bathroom and, apparently, have just jizzed my pants through the fabric. I stare at his work boots in disbelief over what I’d just done, too ashamed to look up.

"Dude, she was totally right. That's the best blowjob I've ever had." He pulls a well circulated $5 note from a pocket, tosses it on the floor in front of me, and leaves.

[nobodysdaydreams]

ALL ABOARD TO TRUTH TOWN🚂 , WHERE FICTIONAL STORIES ABOUT SHINY BUTTONS, DONUTS, AND ROBOT UPRISINGS ARE MORE FUN THAN CUTTER'S STUPID SLOW CLAPS, HERA ALMOST DYING (she BETTER not), AND DOUG'S JAIL TIME AND ALCOHOLISM THAT I TOTALLY PREDICTED (good for me 🥰) (or my reaction to episodes 38-40 of Wolf359)

Also: Whiskey boy needs to chill, seriously. Are we sure Doug is the one with the problem?

Welcome back dear readers. Thanks again for your patience. Excited to continue with my season 3 reactions!

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom

Episode 38: Happy Endings

I'm gonna be doing chores while I listen to these three episodes, so sorry if the notes get a bit brief.

This Hilbert and Doug morality debate is funny because it's literally one actor debating with himself.

I'm sad Hera can't be a part of the group.

"2am"? How is it 2am? You're...you're not on earth. I understand keeping up with a schedule, but it's still a little weird, what time zone are they following?

The way Hilbert talks about Sam... it's like he has this shred of humanity left inside him that he's just gotten used to ignoring.

And Hilbert, I have a clear answer to your little "trolley problem": the decima virus is CUTTER'S property. He put that in your contract, or have you forgotten? Do you seriously think that man will be using it for the good of humanity? Because I don't.

I also feel like the "No one gets a happy ending/ there are no happy endings" think is foreshadowing. But I hope I am wrong.

"This wasn't here last time"

IS THIS THAT WEIRD DOOR???? FINALLY! Bah-ha just shove him in! At least it’s not the airlock which is what I was expecting.

Hm. Do not like the dark. Uh what. Also. Isn’t he supposed to be alone? Totally alone? And shouldn’t it be an emergency?

Dentist chair from hell? Nope. Don’t like it.

Recorded message? Oh gosh not the slow claps…Cutter no doubt. Of course he does a dramatic dark room, and the lights go up on an evil chair...he was one of those kids in school who at recess would find insects and torture them for fun, wasn't he?

Easter egg? Cutter, this is the worst easter themed scavenger hunt I've ever heard of. Where are the chocolate bunnies? The jellybeans? The message of hope, love, and rebirth? But I suppose I should expect nothing else from the man who ordered the killing of three people on Christmas. Makes you wonder what Cutter has against holidays. Did mommy and daddy not give someone enough presents?

“The other crew has... gone away like last time” Cutter you suck. Seriously his villain mode does not have an off switch.

What does Cutter want with his brain? An old friend made this for him?? Is it the dude he killed or is it the Pryce person he wrote the book with? Makes me wonder where his mysterious friend is hiding. In the shadows at Cutter's right hand or six feet underground with a knife in the back? Not sure which is worse. I guess we'll see.

THEY CAN SCAN HIS BRAIN AND GET THAT KIND OF INFO? That...but...I...as someone who knows slightly more than average about how the brain works, Cutter needs to learn how to make better use of his tech. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how much better his evil plans would go, if he focused on THAT instead of...oh I don't know...investing his money into elaborate dark rooms with evil dentist chairs and slow clap videos?

Also "Hera can't detect these secret rooms" HOW. HOW CAN SHE NOT THAT'S AN AWFUL IDEA: She flies the ship, she has to calculate for its size. It's science fiction, so let me be 100% clear, I'm not dumping on the creators or writers, I'm dumping on Cutter the character. You idiot.

Oh he’s just leaving him in space. Oh...Hilbert will come around in the hopes that he’ll use decima to help people. That's cruel. “Thanks for all the memories” Cutter. DUDE. Too much.

Do not give him your memories. Do not Hilbert.

Haha… hee hee… why is he laughing?

Brilliant? Chance for work to continue? NO. HILBERT YOU DUM-DUM. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO USE IT FOR GOOD. CUTTER WILL NOT USE IT FOR GOOD. BECAUSE HE IS NOT A GOOD MAN. The reason you shouldn't do this has nothing to do with sacrifices for the great good...it's that the greater good IS NOT GUARANTEED AND LIKELY DOESN'T EXIST BASED ON CUTTER'S BEHAVIOR!

Don’t call her Isabel. You are in the wrong here Hilbert. And there is a very clear difference between what she is doing and what you are doing. She knows better than to count on a killer for benevolence.

Good. Smart. Don’t get in the chair. It would probably slice off your head or something.

Something about Eiffel? Minkowski… Doug is your friend. Just because he served time doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy.

Well Lovelace and Hilbert...it's an unusual alliance. Hope it works out.

Episode 39: All Things Considered

"It's a bottle…"

👎🙅‍♂️🤬❌ WRONG!

Oh it's the Whiskey isn't it.

Wrong! Cancelled! 🤬👎🙅‍♂️❌

Oh my gosh Kepler shut up.

Of course duck boy knows the boss’s drinks. Teacher's pet.

“YOU VILLAGE IDIOTS!…🤬... but points to you Jacobi 😏🥰👍" okay… clearly discount Cutter has his own discount Kepler.

oh I love these stories. Why do I feel like Minkowski's is gonna be the most realistic. Like, I can see Doug making lightsaber noises, and I can see Jacobi being a little arrogant. Just...maybe a little exaggerated.

Oh my gosh Jacobi's story. 😂😂😂 The way he's portraying Doug is way too much.

“But the button is so shiny! 🥺” PFFT- the way Jacobi portrays Doug... I'm sorry for laughing but it's too funny😂

He’s doing Minkowski dirty. Why is he making her talk like a valley girl?

“I’m sorry Jacobi you were right!” / “I’m just gonna lean against this big red button!”

Duck boy who do you think you’re fooling with this one 😂

I cannot wait for Doug's story.

Yes, Doug I am ready for the truth. I am so ready. I AM READY!

I love Hera’s announcement: "Uh...yeah some stuff is happening today for sure"

“The innocent victim stepped in to help” why is Doug me telling a story.

“We’ve never high-fived!” “We’re headed to truth town!”

Heck yeah we are! All aboard to truth town Doug, this is the best story yet!

Why are they like fighting elementary school children? I love this. Dang Doug is roasting them!

“Oh thank goodness Doug you saved us 🥰”

"Minkowski decked him!" "I did not!" "Duck boy passed out" "I did not!" "But then Hilbert came. Russian's are drawn to loud noises and he wanted to experiment on Jacobi's brain."

Doug, if you made a fictional podcast about your time in space I would listen to it. It sounds amazing.

Why is Minkowski doing a different accent now? WHY IS HERA THE VILLAIN SUDDENLY DOING A ROBOT UPRISING? 😂

"Is there any truth to your story?" Um...yeah? I'm pretty sure there were donuts in multiple stories Kelper 🙄

"But... but truth town! 🥺"

I agree. Doug was taking them straight to truth town and Whiskey boy shut down the railways. All because discount Cutter can't handle the truth. Big surprise.

“As I've mentioned...I like the feel of it IN MY HAND 😡”

Geez man okay.

And Doug's story was not a time waste. It was delightful. Just because discount Cutter is evil doesn't mean he has to be the fun police.

“Until your idiocy stretches all the way around back to half-way competent” dang I really am like Doug. 😔

Episode 40: Limbo

"Lob of meat" well you don't have to say it like that Hera.

"I can't think of a single way to prank everyone else" Doug. Jacobi is afraid of ducks. You are sitting on a gold mine.

Ugh this is awful because I can't tell if Hera's compliance with Maxwell is programmed or not! It's so scary that her free will can just be...programmed out.

Maxwell. Why are you interrogating her? Hera. Do not turn on your friends. Maxwell. You BETTER be trying to help.

I'm very worried about Hera. Is Kepler going to shut her down?

Good on you Hera. She deserves to know the truth.

...oh no.

Maybe I'm misremembering this, but was it Maxwell or Lovelace who said "if only Hera knew the truth" a few episodes back? I'm really suspicious about how Cutter and co. treat the AIs and what they want with them.

Hera. Talk to Doug about it. Just let him know you're scared. He'll be there for you.

Hera please let your friends help you. Please let them help you. AND LEAVE HERA ALONE STOP OVERWHELMING HER! She clearly has...whatever the AI equivalent of anxiety is.

I feel so bad for Hera. I swear. Whatever Cutter has planned for her...he will pay for this.

Hera offline? NOOOOOO...

Maxwell you kinda got in her head.

But everyone has problems. And Hera is more than a robot computer. She's a friend. You can't just shut her down!

I KNEW IT. A panic attack. She has anxiety 🥺. Poor Hera.

What's dummy program? Would they destroy Hera's freewill? Neanderthal version of AI? No. Maxwell no. You don't get it. Hera is a friend. Oh they don't get it. They think it's a companion to her, not a replacement for her.

DO NOT DO IT. THANK YOU DOUG! YES! THANK YOU DOUG!

I need Whiskey Boy to drown in his own whiskey. And I need Hera to be okay. You can't do this to me. You already took Blessie you monsters. YOU ALREADY TOOK BLESSIE!

Maxwell stand up to discount Cutter! "Don't forget what she is Maxwell. She went rogue and tried to escape. There's a reasons she's up here. She's expendable. Make sure that doesn't become you." YOU better make sure it's not YOU whiskey boy. Hera just wanted freedom! She didn't ask to be born!

Minkowski just tell him. Please tell him.

Yikes.

Minkowski don't make him go through this. Please stop.

Kidnapping isn't the worst part? That's...this doesn't sound like a fun story. This doesn't sound like a trip to truth town.

Right. His daughter. Baby Ann 🥺

Doug would make a good dad. Oh no. I predict that he had drug and alcohol issues!!! Oh he gets clean. Good for him. Oh no... Doug...relapse is bad.

Oh he loses Ann. HE KIDNAPS HER? Doug bad idea. People get put away for stuff like that.

NO HE CRASHED INTO SOME TEENS. ...Model UN president in a wheelchair?

The way he says "I was fine...the driver's always fine..." yikes. He made her deaf? He hasn't seen her since? How old was she?

Hera needs to be okay. And I'm sorry if they have the tech for sentient AI, decima viruses, space travel, and who knows what else, that weird brain transmitting machine, then deafness should be totally curable by now, Cutter's just hogging the tech to himself like a psychopath. I hate him. I hate him so much. Cutter is the worst. I hope HE loses his senses. Almost all his senses. Except for pain. That's the only one he deserves to keep.

I hope Maxwell can save Hera. She has to! Hera can't die now. We already went through that, and she deserves to be happy.

But I do get the feeling that might not happen. For anyone.

You know, as I go back and edit this, I gotta say, in some ways Kepler is like an evil version of Doug. They both clearly like alcohol and substances (Kepler's "I like the feel of it in my hand" and Doug's "I just want to hold the cigarette"), but Doug wants to get better while Kepler clearly doesn't. "You're like this Whiskey see? I'd be sad without it but I'd be okay." And then he risks the life of his crew for it. You sure you don't have a bit of problem Whiskey boy? 👀

And that's all folks! Thanks dear readers for coming along on my journey. Sorry for the delays in reactions. Life gets busy, but I try to do at least once a week for you guys.

[mariana-oconnor]

A Case of Identity pt 1

If we could fly out of that window hand in hand, hover over this great city, gently remove the roofs, and peep in at the queer things which are going on

Sherlock Holmes Peter Pan crossover! Also this sentence starts with them being normal size and then halfway through suddenly they're able to 'gently remove ... roofs'? It's a sweet little scene, though.

We have in our police reports realism pushed to its extreme limits, and yet the result is, it must be confessed, neither fascinating nor artistic.

Weird to see here the dichotomy of Holmes the romantic and Watson the realist. So often depictions of Holmes have him being so factual and without whimsy, and yet the start of this story is the opposite. It's Holmes who has the 'flight of fancy' and finds the fascination in life, and Watson who is arguing that real life is common and without interest.

There is half a column of print, but I know without reading it that it is all perfectly familiar to me. There is, of course, the other woman, the drink, the push, the blow, the bruise, the sympathetic sister or landlady. The crudest of writers could invent nothing more crude.

Also Watson not showing any empathy here. 'Oh, domestic violence is so run-of-the-mill, it's so dull.' He's very jaded in this story. On one hand, I agree with him that there's no delight or artistry in domestic violence, on the other hand, he comes off as a bit callous here.

he had drifted into the habit of winding up every meal by taking out his false teeth and hurling them at his wife, which, you will allow, is not an action likely to occur to the imagination of the average story-teller.

...I can't remember this story. It may be one of the ones I have not read before. But this made me blink and do a double take. Seriously? His false teeth? That's so oddly specific. Also, taking a moment for ACD to pat himself on the back there. I see what you're doing, sir.

He held out his snuffbox of old gold, with a great amethyst in the centre of the lid. Its splendour was in such contrast to his homely ways and simple life that I could not help commenting upon it. "Ah," said he, "I forgot that I had not seen you for some weeks. It is a little souvenir from the King of Bohemia in return for my assistance in the case of the Irene Adler papers."

Oh hai, Irene!

Weird that Holmes is displaying all the bling he got from a man he doesn't respect and didn't want any reward from.

Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur.

Well, that certainly is a sentence.

When a woman has been seriously wronged by a man she no longer oscillates

I have never seen the word 'oscillate' used this much outside of a science textbook.

Sherlock Holmes welcomed her with the easy courtesy for which he was remarkable

This is fascinating from the perspective of someone who has seen so may adaptations. 'easy courtesy for which he was remarkable' this isn't just a one time chance of Holmes being courteous. Watson himself finds Holmes' manner remarkable and to specify that it comes easily. Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of different Holmes adaptations, even the ones where he's rude, but this sentence makes it so clear that Holmes is polite and that it at least appears to come naturally to him.

for it made me angry to see the easy way in which Mr Windibank—that is, my father—took it all

I had a 'why do you refer to your father as Mr Windibank?' moment, then read the next few sentences and went 'oh'. Stepfamilies are complicated. Honestly, this bit reads like it could be an excerpt from an AITA post. Which leads to me thinking of modern day Sherlock hanging about on Reddit and asking really random questions before telling people that clearly the meaning of the cat hair on the third cushion is that OP's life is in imminent danger and they must at once leave the house and block their best friend on all social media.

I believe that a single lady can get on very nicely upon an income of about 60 pounds.

And the illusion of modernity is shattered. I bloody well wish. Hey inflation calculator, what's that in real money?

£6,033.44

(I put this around 1892, but that was my estimate based on when the other stories have been set. I might be out by a few years)

Yeah... I know she's living at home, but that's Holmes' estimate for any single woman, not only those being supported by their parents.

so they have the use of the money just while I am staying with them. Of course, that is only just for the time. Mr Windibank draws my interest every quarter and pays it over to mother

Hello motive! Fancy seeing you here. I do not trust Mr Windibank at all, for all I may find his name amusing to say and read. This coupled with his insistence that nothing is wrong is very fishy. Mmhm. I am getting a distinct whiff of 'greedy, thieving stepfather' here with distinct notes of 'manipulative arsehole'.

Mr Windibank did not wish us to go. He never did wish us to go anywhere. He would get quite mad if I wanted so much as to join a Sunday-school treat. But this time I was set on going, and I would go; for what right had he to prevent?

Please add 'controlling' to the list above, forthwith. Guy's a massive dick. Good for you, Miss Mary Sutherland for calling him out on it.

And he said that I had nothing fit to wear, when I had my purple plush that I had never so much as taken out of the drawer.

Anyone else getting Cinderella vibes from this line? I'm surprised he didn't accidentally ruin the dress as well, or spill a bowl of rice into the cinders of the fire and make her pick them all up.

"I suppose," said Holmes, "that when Mr Windibank came back from France he was very annoyed at your having gone to the ball."

"Oh, well, he was very good about it. He laughed, I remember, and shrugged his shoulders, and said there was no use denying anything to a woman, for she would have her way."

I hate this guy. I really do. ACD was very good at writing men I loathe even when they haven't appeared in person.

Oh, and I remember this story now, btw. It's all coming back to me.

He wouldn't have any visitors if he could help it, and he used to say that a woman should be happy in her own family circle.

Abuse tactics really haven't ever changed, have they. The flags were as red in the 1890s as they are in the 2020s. Ugh. I hope this guy dies in a shipwreck too. Fingers crossed.

The fact that I keep reading the 'gasfitters' ball' as the 'gaslighters' ball' feels very fitting.

"What office?" "That's the worst of it, Mr Holmes, I don't know." "Where did he live, then?" "He slept on the premises." "And you don't know his address?" "No—except that it was Leadenhall Street."

In the immortal words of Gytha Ogg: Always get the young man's name and address. (And never trust a dog with orange eyebrows)

Mr Hosmer Angel came to the house again and proposed that we should marry before father came back. He was in dreadful earnest and made me swear, with my hands on the Testament, that whatever happened I would always be true to him.

Not suspicious at all. Absolutely normal behaviour. You should definitely swear on your holy book of choice to always be true to people 'whatever happens'. This is entirely rational and not worrying at all. Not a bit.

The flags, they are scarlet.

Mother was all in his favor from the first and was even fonder of him than I was. Then, when they talked of marrying within the week, I began to ask about father; but they both said never to mind about father, but just to tell him afterwards, and mother said she would make it all right with him.

Not remembering all the details, but knowing the general gist of this story, this part actually makes me feel a bit sick. Does the mother know what's going on? I don't remember. If so, I think Miss Mary Sutherland needs to take her £100 a year and go on a world tour. Honestly, she should do that anyway, just... nausea.

"Oh, no, sir! He was too good and kind to leave me so. Why, all the morning he was saying to me that, whatever happened, I was to be true; and that even if something quite unforeseen occurred to separate us, I was always to remember that I was pledged to him, and that he would claim his pledge sooner or later. It seemed strange talk for a wedding-morning, but what has happened since gives a meaning to it."

Mary, Mary, Mary... no. Just no. This is not good or kind. This is weird and suspicious and controlling. I'm sure your wedding dress is lovely, but I cannot see it because all the red flags are in the way.

Above all, try to let Mr Hosmer Angel vanish from your memory, as he has done from your life.

Holmes giving excellent advice here. The trash took itself out.

"You are very kind, Mr Holmes, but I cannot do that. I shall be true to Hosmer. He shall find me ready when he comes back."

Oh Mary. I'm so sorry. You really should take the advice.

This absolutely could be written as a reddit post, btw.

[kindaoptimisticsquirrel]

Why not: A CCS reread, Part 3

It's saturday and I cannot stop myself from reading more. Time to go on with Chapter 13!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

Ch13:

I'm just now catching on the resemblance of Nadeshiko to Kotoki from X...

Batting Fujitaka with a stick because for heaven's sake you don't hit on your students, ESPECIALLY when they are still under 18. And not with these cheesy lines, too, sigh.

Oh Tomoyo, you're so dear to me <3 I met her first when I read Tsubasa Chronicles, because I read Cardcaptor Sakua later (I don't even know when the anime aired in Germany. Probably way before my time) It was nice seeing her here in the story where she originates and where her character can be more child and follow her hobbies (cause tsubasa is a bit darker in its theme)

Ch14:

Saving this for reference for when I might want to photoshop something stupid onto the newspaper

Loving the little "yikes" at the size of the bread :DD

Ch15:

I definitely forgot about this woman and that she and Touya had been..a thing? (Geez. I try not to think too much about the ages of the characters in CLAMP works)

You know what, I would have loved to get to know Shaoran's siblings!

Hihihihihi *giggling and kicking my feet*

Ch16:

Awww he's so cute when embarrassed

Sometimes it's a wonder how oblivious Yukito can be.

Ch18:

oooh I'm saving this for a drawing reference because I want to try to imitate this beautiful light effects! Gonna try with ink if I find time.

Ch19:

No, Fujitaka, when an adult man offers your 10 year old daughter some tea and biskuits and invites her to come over the other day, you don't just smile and tell her to go back. I'm shaking my head here very disappointedly. (I know it's a childrens' story so it isn't supposed to be taken that seriously, but if you try to look at it from an older perspective? Phew :D Some choices are really dubious.) (I'm only making fun of this, I'm still very much enjoying this manga. It's just interesting to see how different you can see things once you are NOT the target audience's age anymore) Oh yeah I forgot Fujitaka probably knows the man is Nadeshiko's grandfather, but my point still stands. Ch20:

I'm at the screen play now, and Yamazaki really is the perfect cast for that role hehe

Ch21:

You know I really like drawing style with the no hatching, and the light greytones. Normally we don't see shadows really so scenes like this with dark and light really stand out more. Also I think, this drawing style of the manga might look easy, because it's just outlines, and they are all the same line weight mostly...but I've seen other mangas trying to do it like this and I feel like they didn't pull it off this well. I'm wondering, if you don't really use grey tones to give your characters and objects depth, then at LEAST you gotta have a good feeling for shapes and panel arrangement and such to make it all work.

Good to see that the Light and Dark cards are just your average sweet lesbian couple. Good for them! *thumbs up*

Ch22:

I think I want a fic with Touya working at the most obscure places.

Touya: Bitch, don't be giving me love advice when you're the one who broke up. Sooo this is long enough for a post! Time to make a new one! :)