#but seeing the leaks on Twitter makes my brain insane I love them

[lemonsandwisdom]

I cannot sleep but the leaks I’ve seen makes me insane actually

[naylor]

I am not going to lie but the way everyone has treated the break up has been pretty eye opening and it includes your blog too. I am just appalled that how people with Taylor pfps have treated Taylor and Joe. So many fandom blogs are absolutely wilding. I get it when fans or people want to hold people in power accountable but when do we hold ourselves too? Anytime a news breaks everyone on the internet has an opinion and the funny thing is those reactions often end up on actual news. I am kind of struggling with the internet culture. Why was the reaction to them breaking up a need of trash joe or the gates of the most vile sexist borderline sexual assault words being uttered for a woman. How is this okay? Taylor brings out the worst in people. Its not surprising but to see the 2010s sexist narrative play out again after I as an artist put out 3 and a half hour shows I would loose it.

To see a powerful woman treated by the industry and media being treated this way publically I shudder to think how it is off the cameras and she probably hears all of it.

Fans of Taylor Swift have gone on to make her private leaked pics viral with it ending up on even update pages. I think people forgot the hacked I phone scandal and the impact it had on celebrities. Jen law has a pretty heartbreaking interview about it. The Stans of other artists have made it a point to make the most gross of edits calling her a whore. I am going to spare you the details but it makes resent other artists too who never get the same deservedly Taylor does for her insane fanbase.

You have narrowed it all on Taylor fans too whereas every single space out of swiftie space is sympathetic to him. Taylor is getting the absolute lowest of lows mysogynist treatment.

the slave owner twitter account is literally trash they even make fun of plus size pepe and call her an Oscar slut. So it was definitely cherry picking.

It has made me realize that her fans are living a life through Taylor Swift. The record breaking machine and they dgaf about taylor. Anyone including her who fucks up this programming is fair game to be belittled.

Not one person had this realisation treating joe like this caused pain to both of them. Not one brain cell was activated their behaviour ended one of the most important things in their life. And they are completely back to bring the best products for our entertainment as they drown themselves in work. They both will find someone else but may not the same connection they had with each other.

There has to he a discussion how we treat someone's pain so carelessly in the internet. A divorce without legal papers was the perfect opportunity for the internet to rejoice in someone's pain

Idk I would completely be wrecked if my fears of loosing the one came true.To have every city welcoming me and putting on a show for a million people every week and to come back to empty hotel rooms. Physically exhausting myself to the point I don't get thoughts and feelings. For Joe to have his partner's biggest insecurity come true because of him the guilt on top of everything will be soul crushing.

Sorry I got carried away but I have been struggling with how we have treated both of them but this is also a goodbye.I will always tune to her music and his films. Both of them are the biggest losers in this. We can't choose especially when they are still in love. I hope atleast my boy will be eventually free from this and may Taylor one day come to a point where people start treating as a human being not just a doll.

x

[redwinelew]

Hiii! Can you do something where Lewis and Latina!Reader are childhood best friends and are secretly a married couple but always deny the dating allegations. Then an intimate/suggestive video of them gets leaked and everyone is just fawning and in shock over their relationship/talking about the video? Tyyy <33

lock me down | lewis hamilton

social media au. latina + actress!reader

summary | as requested

face claim | melissa barrera

warnings | 18+. smutty but ig that goes without saying. set post abu dhabi 2024 during the break which means like rn lol but also around lewis' birthday next year (we're early lol)

author's note | I LOVE THIS IDEA SO MUCH 😭🫶🏼 thank you for requesting bb. i changed it slightly but by making y/n an actress so the whole "denying the rumours that she and lewis are dating" would make sense. i'm so sorry that this is so smutty i hope that's okay and that this fic least fulfilled what u had in mind <33

all pictures taken from pinterest, instagram and twitter. credit to owners.

[masterlist]

ynln just made a post!

liked by sydney_sweeney, jasminsavoy and 60,538 others

ynln random photo dump because i just realized that i havent posted in a while:

1. me

2. the view up there was insane

3. homemade spicy korean chicken wings!! thank you narasmith for the recipe ❤️❤️

4. getting ready for the next project 👀

5. MORE KOREAN FOOD!!!!

6. forehead so big it should be illegal

7. such a sweetheart 👭

8. reunited with jennaortega ❤️

9. roscoe slayed

tagged lewishamilton

view all 7,152 comments

user1 ROSCOE CAMEO

user2 great now i'm craving korean chicken wings and buldak ramen at 3am

user3 lmfao not y/n roasting lewis' forehead 😭😭

ynln user3 black dont crack he said...... but not even god can fix his receding hairline

lewishamilton ynln now that was uncalled for 🤦🏾‍♂️

ynln lewishamilton like how you snuck into the kitchen and ate my last chocolate bar the other week? consider this a payback

user3 ynln lewishamilton i love their banters so much 😭😭

user4 ynln lewishamilton wait you guys live together?

user5 user4 ynln lewishamilton since uh ☝🏻 when

user6 omg y/n l/n and narasmith besties era?

ynln user6 i wish!!! 😭 i just followed her recipe that i found on tiktok lol

jennaortega miss you 🫶🏼

ynln jennaortega miss you more sister ❤️❤️

user7 everybody say thank y/n for providing us with lewis content during the break 🙏🏼

user8 i love seeing how close y/n is with lewis' family 😭🫶🏼

user9 user8 lol not to be that person but they are family friends. they've known each other since childhood ofc she's close with his family and vice versa

user8 user9 i know i just mean that based on what we've seen from the pictures y/n and lewis posted it's just nice to see his family treating her like one of their own if that makes sense??

user10 user8 user9 i'm sorry are we just gonna ignore the fact that y/n and lewis even live together? did you all see the chocolate bar comment?

ynln user10 alright this is getting ridiculous. i'm spending winter and christmas break in england with lewis' family and that's it. if you guys can stop with these speculations that would be great thanks!!! 🙏🏼

user10 ynln girl chill nobody's speculating anything yet. but if the shoe fits.......

user11 user10 you need to stop she already addressed this like a million times this year alone

user12 user10 their families are close and they have been friends since they were KIDS ofc she's gonna spend winter break with them ???? use your brain

twitter!

indegoblack just made a post!

liked by quinnickle, chloebennet and 4,257,847 others

indegoblack 40

twitter!

twitter!

messages!

transcript!

[the video is black and white for some reason. camera is placed in front of the bed. y/n is laying across it with lewis on top of her. both of them are naked. he has one arm on the bed while the other is holding his cock to tease the opening of her pussy. her legs are spread wide, ankles locked around his waist.]

lewis: come on. you know what to say.

y/n: fuck me. please.

lewis: please what?

(biting her bottom lip)

y/n: please, sir.

(pushing only the tip of his cock inside her)

lewis: do better.

y/n: fuck.... please fuck me. let me make you feel good, sir. use me.

[he growls. yes, you're reading that correctly. no, this is not wattpad. he growls, before fully pushing his cock inside her.]

lewis: that's my girl.

[he's fucking her fast already. she's moaning but it looks like she's trying to catch her breath at the same time. y/n clings onto his arms, digging her nails into his tattooed skin.]

y/n: oh, fuck—

lewis: so fucking tight, baby— fuck. this is all for me right?

[y/n nods but lewis suddenly wraps his hand ariund her throat. she gasps.]

lewis: answer me.

y/n: yes— just for you.

lewis: yeah? letting me use you on my birthday? is this my gift?

[y/n nods again with a slight whimper.]

(moans)

y/n: feels so good, lew.

lewis: don't you dare close your eyes. look at me.

[y/n's eyes are glossy, lips trembling and her eyebrows contort in pleasure. she looks like she's trying her hardest to not close her eyes and focusing on lewis.]

lewis: yeah. keep looking at me with those eyes. there we go. that's my girl. my pretty little wife's taking my cock so well. fuck, baby. gonna fucking marry you the fuck again after this. wanna fill you up first. i can't wait anymore. gonna put a baby inside you.

[y/n moans again as lewis' hips snap harder and faster.]

lewis: yeah? you'd like that? want me to fill you up? put a baby in you? make you a mommy?

y/n: fuck.... yes— please. come inside me. need to feel you so badly, sir, please.

lewis: fuck—

[lewis' hand that was around her throat travels down to rub y/n's clit fast she gasps, her back arching into his touch.]

y/n: fuck— fuck.... oh my god, yes. fuck—

lewis: come for me first. need to feel you drench my cock first. please, baby. i know you're close. come for me.

[y/n moans louder and cums. lewis keeps fucking her, chasing his own orgasm.]

lewis: fuck, i'm gonna— tell me that you want this. please. i can't—

y/n: come inside me. please, lewis. i want it. i promise. come inside me.

lewis: fuck— fuck— i'm close—

[video ends]

taglist | @anamiad00msday @dimmick96 @seonghwaexile @blushmimi @angstynasty @coral7161 @fluorescentadolescent1 @dazecrea @scorpiodiosa @babygirl-4986 @tremendousstarlighttragedy @secretwritingfictionlawyer @d3kstar @doofenshmirtzevil-inc @cupcakelover @hc-dutch @higuyshi @invisiblegiurl @bungurus @caroto-porta-world-blog @evilnght @prettypink11 @nyramylove @ems-alexandra @jamie2305 @camilapg03

[heaven-meets-hell]

I wish I could claim ideas good thing I can

Poses like a madman. Smirks. Looks at audience. Explodes. Guys I'm not sane about my OCS and bc this isn't twitter j can talk about them and everyone will have to put up with my brain rot for them. Anyways 💔💔💔 Possession except it's literal 🫶🫶🫶 if my friend sees this, no you don't, don't show this to the GC or I will pray for your downfall ^_^ !!! (Joking) So uesh!! I.got these 2 idiot demon x angel shit going on where it's like holy shit why the FUCK DO I HAVE TO TEAM UP WITH THEM I'D RATHER DIE And then they grow close to each other with this weird fucking watcher thing being their 3rd wheel. So tldr angel and demon gotta team up with each other and this weird eyeball thing to stop ANOTHER angel from trying to become god and kill earth Anyways as time goes on the angel DIES/(sorta dies?? He doesn't DIE but he isn't alive either-) in combat trying to kill the fake god bc they had everything planned but shit hit the fan real fast because then the angel "DIES" while the demon is trying to save their friend/watcher/eyeball thingYadda yadda I'll post the characters later they're gay af but who cares Anyways I was like oh shit possessions but the meaning is literal So when demons in "my world" / "their world"(???) Feel heavy emotions like heart break, love sickness, anger,

frustration etc etc they start to lose parts of themselves to their primal urges There's a big eye that usually shows how much time they have left So big eye closed = good Big eye open = NOT good / very bad because it leaks corruption into the minds of demons and it makes it harder to control themselves so they give into temptation easily SO the reason why THAT exists is because the silly deuteragonist/second main character aka the demon starts to slowly go crazy bc he thinks the angel is dead/gone/ no longer exists, not as a person or even a thing So As I said before the angel isn't entirely dead or alive either bc (guys I'm crazy I insane) the god/angel, was a weeping angel we all know those creepy fuckers who if you look away from snap your neck into bits anyways no Thisguy is different bc he just cries and in heaven weeping angels are usually good bc they have healing properties but this angels tears were BAD because of some shit and he was like bro why was I Bron wrong hey god FUC YO- and God was like bro wtf what did I do you're born just the way you are, in my eyes, you are perfect why are you so ANGRY bout being lie everyone else and he's like that's it BEGONE. And kicks the weeping angel out for cursing him out at heavens gates Whatever whatevev anyways our main character angel is dying slowly because he's CRYING and if he stops CRYING he starts DYING so he has to KEEP CRYING while he's DEAD So when he wakes up he's like oh hey guys how's everything but the demon guy had already undergone so much corruption to the point his brain literally has a fear of losing the angel again so he doesn't let the angel out of his sight anymore/ clings onto the angel way too much and literally screams and yells when anyone gets too close, I'ma make a new post to explain this possession shit guys I'm CRAZY

[zeptos]

hi. i just finished good omens. here are my (not very) immediate (because i had to take about two hours to recover) thoughts

i was at a friend’s house watching so i had to drive home. we watched two episodes every session (i Needed to drag it out that long otherwise it would destroy me) and i would always come out of it listening to some sort of happy little music that reminded me of the show. today i drove home, front windows all the way down, in the dark, in complete silence. there were crickets.

I ACTUALLY FEEL SO GOOD AND PROUD AND GLAD ABOUT NOT SEEING ANY SPOILERS!!! somehow i really care about this show That Much and i blocked everything, didn’t go on social media, checked with my eyes before reading something with my brain LIKE i didn’t wait four years for this all to be donezo

if i had seen the leak beforehand i would have ended it all

like me when jim and window.

SPEAKING OF JIM BRUH (i will speak about him later)

i was drawing a silly little picture of Them when i started watching this season. after six days i have not finished it and only have the lineart. I CANNOT DRAW THAT SILLY LITTLE PICTURE ANYMORE. LIKE. MENTALLY. NO i will just be in flames!!!

i will be going through the stages of grief for the next few days. i went through anger and bargaining and now i will be in depression (lucky for me i literally just upped my med dose LMAOOOOO)

this is just like falsettos

I’M REALLY GLAD ACTUALLY that nina and maggie are on pause!! like i was honestly pretty worried throughout the season that they’d just shove them together at a horrible time and i was quite sure 

but now i’m thinking about it more and AAAAAAAAAA the parallels and all of their flaws…😭😭😭them and all their flaws……….IT’S NOT LIKE A PICTURESQUE PERFECT FAIRYTALE!!! THEY DON’T RECOGNIZE IT BECAUSE IT’S NOT A PICTURESQUE PERFECT FAIRYTALE!!!!!!!!!!! TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh  my god flaws bastille

i cried during The Scene and by that i mean a few tears came out before i held it in to be able to actually watch the rest of the episode and i demanded my friend and i rewatch the scene because i really REALLY NEEDED TO CRY AFTER THAT I WANTED TO SO BAD however my eyes became constipated and it just pressurized my head and neck 😔

I HAD LITERALLY JUST WATCHED THE COMMUNITY EPISODE WHERE TROY LEAVES TOO WHILE WORKING OUT THIS MORNING!!!!!!!!!!! horrible day for media consumption for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWFUL

unrelated but i *still* haven’t seen barbenheimer bc no one in my friend group can make a decisive plan (i <3 u guys tho) and i’m going to

need a rage room (diy bc those guys are way too expensive) because i am going insane

neil has ended me

neil needs to be convicted for mass murder

WHAT HAPPENED TO QUIET ROMANTIC SEASON

i actually really love LOVE LOVE how this season went…………..or at least ended…………….

i was scared that “quiet and romantic” meant nothing was going to happen and there would be no buildup to whatever “quiet and romantic” was and that would’ve broken me in a bad way

like i did not spend four years waiting just for tooth rotting fluff and heartstopper esque “suspense” (i’m so sorry i’ve never seen it this is probably so wrong) to tide us over until the next season where everything goes wrong again

I WANT THINGS TO GO WRONG ALL THE TIME. (AND THEN THEY MAKE THEM RIGHT THEY MAKE THEM RIGHT THEY MAKE THEM RIGHT PLEASE)

also the maggie thing!!

I ABSOLUTELY ADORE EVERYYYYY SINGLEEEE WRITING AND ACTING CHOICE IN THAT SCENE IT’S SO DELICIOUS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i would watch it for days and days and days I LOVE HOW SOMETHING AS SWEET AS A KISS BECOMES . SO. BITTER AND DESPAIR AND HATRED AND LOVE AND LOATHING AND AND AND THEY A. THEY ARE SO. I THINK DEEP DOWN HE MIGHTVE KNEW IT WAS HIS FINAL CHANCE…………………HIS ONLY CHANCE………………………………………………………

THE DISGUST THE BETRAYAL THE MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGHGGHHGHGHGHG

also the lip touch. twitter user michael sheen was evil for that stunt he pulled (i only heard about it from another friend after i finished watching and immediately called them to scream) (i also sent a no-context message to that same friend saying something along the lines of “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and they immediately clocked me “i see you’ve watched the final episode of good omens season 2”)

bottom line: tumblr user zeptos rediscovers that they just keep liking pain and suffering. please send help

crowley was simply entirely fanfiction. this entire season was just fanfiction. like i guess that makes sense given the everything about its creators. and also the premise of the whole show is basically fanfiction LOL both in trope and subject matter

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT AT SOME POINT. CROWLEY FELL AND HE FELL SO HARD LIKE aziraphale was GIVING early on and then at some point he fell harder

i was looking at temporary red hair wax literally yesterday (for mcr reasons help………..) and now i feel like i . have to get it now i have to i just need to i need it

crowley was simply entirely fanfiction. this entire season was just fanfiction. like i guess that makes sense given the everything about its creators. and also the premise of the whole show is basically fanfiction LOL both in trope and subject matter

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT AT SOME POINT. CROWLEY FELL AND HE FELL SO HARD LIKE aziraphale was GIVING early on and then at some point he fell harder

i was looking at temporary red hair wax literally yesterday (for mcr reasons help………..) and now i feel like i . have to get it now i have to i just need to i need it

eating my feet and the walls and biting aziraphale’s head off like broccoli and chewing it up and spitting it out in the little leaves . and also burning it i need to BURN SOMETHING

to think i was just happy about getting the rift in dragonvale earlier today

to think i was just normal earlier today

i was so happy dragging this out

i think i’m even more devastated

to think for the first few days i was going insane about the apology dance. the good old days. and then the next few days i was stressed about crowley shooting his husband.

tbh i thought it was a good enough love story the first season (arospec represent ig lmao) and i didn’t realize it could get EVEN MORE LOVEY. LIKE i did not know a love story could haunt you with love in so many ways I THOUGHT THEY’D ALREADY JUST BEEN MARRIED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN SUCH A TRANSCENDENTAL WAY THAT THEY DIDN’T NEED ANYTHING ELSE AND THEY KNEW EACH OTHER SO WELL……………………………so how am i supposed to feel when they ACTUALLY DIDN’T REALLY COMMUNICATE AT ALL AND IT WASN’T JUST OKAY FOR IT TO BE UNSPOKEN AND ETERNAL AND THEY HAVE TO ACTUALLY WORK OUT THEIR PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF BREAKING UP A MILLION TIMES AND HAVING THE UNIVERSE WORK IT OUT FOR THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHGHGHGHHHHH

…like how am i supposed to feel when they actually aren’t in some sort of magical relationship where everything can remain unspoken and everything is great. and instead they’re HAVING HUMAN FEELINGS PINING LIKE HUMANS MISUNDERSTANDING LIKE HUMANS FLAWED LIKE HUMANS

LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN they can’t just stay like that [read: whatever the hell they were for thousands fo years] forever and ever?? what do you MEAN they need to be Official??????? i expected BAIT and DELUSION and all i’m getting is REALNESS i’m so upset (not really)

when nina called maggie angel. MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

i was keeping an angel count and i lost count

I DIDN’T REALIZE IT WAS ACTUALLY—

it feels like a totally different show than the first season. like not in a bad way just a Way

themes characters lack of newt/anathema sex scene idk

i wonder how adam is doing now

this is so dan and phil (joke i’ll kms now)

I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUT LOVER BOY, A NOTABLE LACKING SONG FROM THE FIRST SEASON, SO EARLY ON OVER CROWLEY’S TRUDGE BACK TO AZIRAPHALE and then did T H A T

also not the “something terrible they’re going to do to me” being just. demoted lol are u serious

DID THE COFFEE DO ANYTHING???????? I AM SO BEGGING TO KNOW PLEASE LIKE it was so OMINOUS WHY

shout out to the canto feature i want to learn canto

SHOUT OUT TO THE FRENCH FEATURE LOL THAT WAS LITERALLY ME ON THE AP EXAM IT WAS SO AWFUL (and my experience after the ap exam was awful too lmao but no comment)

WAIT I NEED TO DO MY FRENCH STREAK RN HOLD ON

ok i did my french lesson one of the examples was “i love this tv show” and.

I LOVE JIM i hate gabriel.

seriously even through all the parallels i still am disgusted (half joking and like 10% real) (the other 40% is a mystery) (ineffable you could say) by the gabriel / beelzebub development 💀 PLEASE like it was so sudden to me but i think i may be slow and i also think (maybe hope) that there’s like. a more substantial reason behind this besides Suffering

WE NOTICED THE FLY FROM THE BEGINNING HEHE

in the predictions my friend and i made before watching s2e1, theirs came true in literally the first minute, and mine came true in e4………..before i realized today that there is a strong possibility i literally just saw a screencap of the thing i predicted (there being magic in the season) and co-opted it as my own idea. lawl

though i do also need to spend some time scrubbing through e5 to see if there actually was a ball—like physical ball like sports ball—in the episode

SCREW GABRIEL

neil.

i want donuts

there’s this chip (like hole type not food type) in between where my canine is connected to my bonded retainer and i’ve been fiddling with it the whole night and now i don’t think i’m going to be able to ever separate that again it’ll just be the Good Omens Season Two Chip forever and ever

and now i’m just so concerned over the wellbeing of everyone involved in the making of the show PLEASE I NEED MY SEASON THREE SO BAD STAY WILLING AND ABLE TO MAKE IT FOR ME PLEASE and also for yourselves i guess 

i cannot do this

i was in a goofy fall out boy mood most of the day

well except for the planet bass mood i was in during like noon and seven minutes into e5 (someone said the word “danger”)

and also the air catcher / run and go mood i was in in the morning

i screamed a lot tried not to lose my voice

i had to GET UP OFF THE COUCH and start PACING that last episode

and also i ended up for the floor

and i ended up staying on the floor long after the episode finished

i was sweating so hard i did so much exercise and also had goosebumps from all that devastation

now i am a shell of a man.

i’m so tired

i am very glad that i missed the last half of my meeting today to go watch good omens. i’m obviously going to rewatch the meeting but like .yeah worth it

i’m so sleepy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CROWLEY…………….HE’S JUST LIKE ME………………………….HE JUST LIKES SPACE AND PRETTY THINGS………………………………………ALL HE EVER DID WAS ASK QUESTIONS…………………………………………………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

every piece of media i consume, i am incrementally more glad that it isn’t voltron legendary defender

also i opened up about taylor swift and brendon urie’s hit song ME! again i keep doing this JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IN APRIL 2019 DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO CONNECT IT TO EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DID OR CONSUMED IN 2019

speaking of 2019 i remember seeing the original trailer and thinking THIS IS CRINGE AND ALSO BAIT oh boy look where we are now!!!!!!!!!!

i’ll die

i’ll kms (both of these statements are false)

i don’t even know what to do anymore

jim was iconic and i’m sad to see him turn back into That Guy

although when i noticed the fly i was like BEELZ. something sus. erm but i thought it was like evil sus and i somehow didn’t get it the whole time. like why beelzebub wasn’t concerned WAIT IS THAT WHY HELL WAS LOOKING FOR HIM i need to rewatch. IMMEDIATELy

i am once again speaking about the kiss. i am once again speaking about the kiss. i am once again speaking about the kiss. i am once again speaking about the kiss. i am once again speaking about the kiss. i am once again sp—

the. the grhgrhgjdfdfhgfkj

i screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

adding to the playlist as we speak

throwing up at the whole gabriel beelzebub thing like yeah conceptually sure they’re fine but i’m still throwing up

alright i am looking in the mirror and the reflection does Not look like me so i think it is time for me to go (od omens) to sleep GOOD NIGHT. i will add to this if i think of anything else!!!!!!!!!!

NEVERMIND MY MIND JUST FLASHED BACK TO THE FINGER TOUCHING LIPS SHOT AN DI’M GOING INSANE AGAIN HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO US. HOW!!!!!!!!!

sometimes i wish it all was bait (no i do not)

the edits are already destroying me and i’ve only seen two so far

how the hell am i going to make art

i am

i

good omens

now i’m reading theories and i’ve discovered there’s an entire google docs theory based on magic GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

[astranva]

Leaked: Fan Reactions | Backstage Girlfriend

Backstage Girlfriend Pt. 1

Leaked

Backstage Girlfriend!Universe tag

Word Count: 1.1k

Category: Angst-ish, chaotic fan energy

Summary: The online reaction of bsgf!yn and harry’s leaked pictures from when they were together.

.. 

Instagram 

108,284 likes

harryupdatesacccouunt: UNSEENS OF HARRY AND Y/N IN 2020-2022 via unknown 

user “unseens” um bestie you shared leaked pics without their consent lmfao

user I FUCKING CALLED IT!!!!

user I FUCKING CALLED IT!!!!

user I FUCKING CALLED IT!!!!

user did he cheat on olivia? or did he cheat on y/n? did he even cheat? wtf is going on

user they literally played us. 

user but isn’t y/n with joe keery now???? 😭 

user HELP THIS IS SO MESSY

user istg if any of you send y/n any hate i will fight every single one of you

user save us y/n 😔

— 

Twitter

@usertwitterhandle 

@yourtwitterhandle hey bestie, ummm….what’s going on? 😘😀

12,734 Retweets   274 Quote Tweets   46.8k Likes

@usertwitterhandle

these photos were leaked, they weren’t posted by either of them. respect their privacy. 

36.8k Retweets   301 Quote Tweets   73.3k Likes

@usertwitterhandle

what if they’re secretly together and now we blew their cover

8,973 Retweets   29 Quote Tweets   15,383 Likes

user @usertwitterhandle

Replying to @usertwitterhandle

meanwhile y/n and joe lol 

——

TikTok

The app was having a field day the moment the pictures were leaked.

Hundreds and hundreds of people were recording themselves, and even more making edits of the pictures.

The sound of Memories by Conan Gray began playing as he sang:

“I promise that the ending always stays the same,” he sang as the lyrics were written on a black screen “So there's no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again.”

“I can't be your friend,” was written on a picture of you and Harry hugging that the fans had always loved. 

“Can't be your lover” was written on one of the leaked pictures of you and Harry, you looking up at him as he had a hand hovering over your shoulder, “Can't be the reason we hold back each other

“From falling in love” was then written on another one of the leaked pictures, this one of the both of you kissing.

“With somebody other than me” was written on a paparazzi photo of you and Joe.

“I wish that you would stay in my memories” was lastly written on the last leaked picture of you and Harry, your faces close to one another as you both smiled, looking as you were obviously about to kiss.

(video)

Comments

user YOU DID THIS FOR WHAT

user the fact that this can also have a pic of harry and olivia as well…

user we don’t know any details but i just know harry broke y/n’s heart and joe mended it.

user i wish either of them tell us what happened 

user YOU’RE INSANE FOR THAT

user SHUT UP BECAUSE THAT’S DEFINITELY THEIR SONG

Fans were also making theories and sharing them as they always did. 

One TikTok video was of a girl looking comfortable in a hoodie, beaded necklace showing as she began talking to the screen. 

“You don’t have to agree with me but this is my theory about Harry and Y/N,” she said before the video cut to her in the same position, sitting against the headrest of a bed, “We’ve always seen them so supportive of each other. Like, Y/N’s Instagram is private her Twitter isn’t and she always tweeted out for his shows and nominations and all that. Also whenever he posted on Instagram, she was, like, always one of the first people to comment so it’s obvious that she supported him so much,” she said, “Y/N works as an art director on films and shows, but she’s like–she’s like normal, right? She’s not someone the paps run after like Harry or,” she held a finger up, “Olivia,” she said, “So what if Harry and Y/N were actually dating but were private and Harry and Olivia were just a publicity stunt?”

Comments

user glad to see we share the same brain cell

user they definitely have been dating for years and the pics are proof of that. i think holivia is a stunt too

user you’re making sense but then…why do you think they broke up?

The girl replied to the last comment with another viral video, this time in a yellow crewneck.

“Alright, I didn’t expect that video to blow up but my theory,” she pointed at herself, “Is that Y/N was asked to, like, be okay with Holivia but it got too much and they broke up. And like, if my math adds up, I feel like it happened right after Harry’s One Night Only in London because we’re literally so used to seeing Y/N at his shows, especially since fans said that they actually saw her before the show and she talked with them and got them pizza and stuff–but she wasn’t seen at the show. You know who was?” She stayed quiet for a second before nodding, “Olivia. Y/N wasn’t standing with Anne and Gemma, and we know from a tweet that Y/N hates backstage view, so,” she gave a shrug, “This is just my theory.”

Both videos had millions of views, with fans dueting each and talking about them on all social media platforms.

In response to the second video, another girl made one as well.

The video began with the girl at the bottom, a green screen behind her of the former girl talking about her theory before the video cut to the new girl.

“I wanted to say my take on this real quick,” she said in a heavy British accent, “I was at the ONO in London and I did see Y/N in the morning. She looked really happy, she was smiling, she was taking pictures, everything,” she said, “Y/N didn’t actually watch the show. Like, Harry usually looks at where she’s at but he didn’t during the show so it was like, obvious that she wasn’t there. So my friend was feeling lightheaded and stuff and actually decided to leave and we didn’t really want to share this but she met Y/N outside the arena,” she enunciated, “And said that Y/N was, like, full on crying and waiting for a car to come. My friend asked her if she was okay and Y/N just told her that she was fine and thanked her for asking then, she literally asked my friend if she was okay because–my friend was wearing the Fine Line outfit so it was obvious she was in there.”

Comments

user this is so sad. she’s been with him for so much and she loves him so much 

user knowing that it’s harry who probably made y/n cry makes me so mad

user the fact that SHE asked your friend if she was okay when she was breaking down says so much about her. i can’t believe harry let her go

user reminding you all that y/n is now in a happy relationship :)) 

user thinking about y/n seeing olivia’s head on anne’s shoulder during matilda…

[just-a-fangirl13]

Thoughts & Theories about MacGyver 5x10 [MacRiley]

HOLY SHIT! 

This episode was absolutely INSANE. Im writing out my thoughts once and for all because I need to stop thinking about everything that happened (I highly doubt I will be able to but here's to trying)

SPOILERS FOR 5x10 OFCOURSE

Straight off the bat, I was screaming *internally* and yelling at Mac when he showed the diamond to Bozer. I suspected it yesterday when we got the snippet of Murdoc saying the words DIAMOND and RING with extra emphasis..(everyone on twitter said I was jumping to conclusions.. I thought so too honestly) But damn I did NOT expect them to actually do that!

Now here's why I am not mad about it anymore. [this is my interpretation you are free to disagree]

Firstly, when Mac told Bozer he was going to propose he didnt say I’m doing it because I love Desi or I want to spend the rest of our lives together or because she’s the one (doesn't mean he doesnt care for her ofcourse)

He said “Ever since I lost my dad & Jack, I have been thinking about the bigger picture and a commitment to make things work is exactly what Desi and I need right now. A grand romantic gesture.” He wanted to propose for stability so he could finally be on the same page with her. They never really defined their relationship before and this was a way for Mac to final bring it together. A grand romantic gesture is usually something people use to win their partners back which is what Mac was trying to do I guess. It almost sounds like he has to do it so he doesn't lose her again 

(ill get to my second reason in the end)

Then ofcourse Bozer tells Riley about it so she can be prepared. Bozer is such a good friend. He is supportive of Mac AND wants to protect Riley. I love him for it! He really is doing everything to be the best friend he can to both of them. (Leannas death was so painful and I just want to hug him but thankfully Riley had that covered.)

Next we get the BIG REVEAL. The moment all of us had been waiting for. 

The moment that SHOOK Angus MacGyver and CHANGED EVERYTHING!

Rileys Feelings!

“You want me to say it out loud? Fine. Yes I had feelings for Mac. There I said it. and yeah watching him and Desi together was breaking my heart so I moved out of his house. I should have said something to him a long time ago but I didn’t and now its over. ”

I had the opposite of a HEART ATTACK! (my heart rate was through THE ROOF!)

I have to say they really really outdid themselves on this reveal. 

SIDE NOTE: If anyone comes for Riley and tries to call her a slut or a home wrecker? You will have me to deal with. Even after Murdoc played the clip of her confession she still tried to deny it and brush it off so it wouldn't complicate things for Mac and Desi. If Riley had wanted, she could have easily told Mac this to his face while he was dating Desi and then let things happen from there but she DIDNT. She kept that secret buried so deep she herself was in denial.

(also if anyone calls Mac a player or anything like that.. I will end you. He is doing his best to deal with everything that has happened to him and people keep giving him shit for it....)

Anyways, we see Mac’s expression & he is just confused and shocked and clearly not trying to think about it because it changed EVERYTHING for him. 

[Murdoc saying I THINK IM ON TEAM RILEY was a HUGE HIGHLIGHT for me! I love him so damn much!]

Desi took it really well too actually. If they keep going down this road of growth and maturity for her I think I could actually like her again. (Russ too when he apologised to Bozer) 

She didnt throw a hissy fit or say I knew it or look at Riley like she was the villain. She focused on the mission & I respect her for that.

(Riley does say, “the next thing you are going to hear on that recording-” and then gets cut off by Desi.. If this will come into play at some point later on or if it was just her trying to explain herself, remains to be seen.)

Then after the climax, we finally hear Riley say the words to Mac in real time and we get our FIRST MacRiley hug of the season! 

At this point I thought they would agree to be friends and make the friendzone thing clear BUT NOPE. (you have no idea how happy I am about it not going down like that!)

I was also a puddle on the floor. SO

“Mac look-”

“You don’t have to say anything if you dont want to. Really.”

“I want to. Last year in Germany. I realised I was starting to have feelings for you. Real feelings. I didnt want to make anything weird between you and Desi. I didnt want to mess up our work or our friendship so I decided to bury it. Until the feelings passed.”

“Emotions aren’t a science. You can’t control them.”

Gosh they are so perfect together! The way they look at each other and the HUG! OH MY GOD THE HUG! Its just perfection.

Now we also see this from Desi’s POV. Again no anger or jealousy from her. I think it was an understanding. She realised that she and Mac were never going to work.. maybe a little pain but honestly everything that went down with her and Mac was her fault too. The lack of trust and understanding was always a problem for them. Sure, things were going well but she didnt seem like she was ready for a commitment if im being honest. If Mac had proposed I think Desi would have said no.(again nothing wrong with that) 

She didnt want to label their relationship..they haven't said the words I love you to each other and I dont think they even live together. It really was way too sudden.(these are just things im assuming people define how well a relationship is going by.. I have no experience.)

Then ofcourse we have what im calling the goodbye scene. Its the break up before the break up in my opinion.

Desi tells Mac that they should pretend the last 24 hours never happened (that might actually include Mac wanting to propose but make of it what you will..) and that they should have a clean slate. But its very clear from Mac’s face and Desi sees it too that he isnt 100% onboard with it. He cant forget about it.

Which is when Desi says “Look Mac just do whatever you feel is right” and Mac looks confused.

She then gives him a goodbye kiss. 

Look if you have ever watched any show/movie before where the characters are saying goodbye to each other or breaking each others hearts...THERE IS ALWAYS A KISS ON THE CHEEK. A final farewell of sorts. 

That is what it seemed like to me. It was Desi telling Mac to do what he has to. Even if it inevitably leads to their break up.

Again real emotional maturity from Desi here!

Then we get the scene, Monica Macer (the show runner) tweeted about back in December.

Mac knocking on someones door. If im being honest? I thought it was Desi’s place and he was going to propose...

BUT it turned out to be Riley’s.

Mac clearly hasn't stopped thinking about what happened. I wouldnt either if my best friend who has put her life on the line for me and trusts me 100%, now has feelings for me? That would turn my world upside down too.

especially if I had feelings for her that I buried so deep that I never acknowledged them.

Also this is my scenario for how their first kiss goes down just FYI.. (Mac showing up at Rileys doorstep and finally confessing his feelings and kissing her *probably won't happen that way now though, but I still love it*)

Mac hesitates for a second before finally knocking on her door.

“Mac? Everything okay?”

“I can’t pretend like the last 24 hours didnt just happen. They did. So I gotta ask. Did it work?”

“Did what work?”

“Hiding your emotions and letting it pass. Did they go away?”

and I proceeded to pass out. My brain just checked out...

Now initially in all my freaking out I thought Mac was asking Riley about his feelings. If HE buried them deep enough would he still be able to move on with Desi but then I rewatched it and I realised he was asking RILEY if her feelings were still there, if there was still a possibility of something ever happening. 

She never told him its all good now! my feelings are gone and it was a long time ago. She told him she buried it but he needed to know if a future with Riley was something tangible. 

BASICALLY ANGUS MACGYVER ASKED RILEY DAVIS IF SHE WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. *I think I need to go to a hospital now*

So this was my second reason for not being annoyed about the proposal. The writers used it to show what a huge impact it would have on Mac. How much Rileys feelings would actually mean to him. the GAME CHANGER it would be.

A friend of mine said it was kinda funny and a little jarring but I liked it. (I could have done without the proposal) But I understand why they did it. They couldnt have Mac and Desi break up the same day Riley’s feelings came out because then people would hate Mac. They had to make him want to take the next step with Desi but then drop a bomb on him, that would make him question everything.

Again this is what I took away from it.

BUT GOSH WAS THIS EPISODE AMAZING!

I do get that some people are not happy with this and some said it was too sudden *not like we’ve been waiting since season 1 or anything* but I think after 5x11 things will slow down again. Mac may break up with Desi only at the end of the season when he finally comes to terms with his feelings. (Some people are still cautious and I get it but after everything that just happened I find it hard to believe that Mac and Riley won't end up together after all.. not to mention the leaked script conversation between Mac and Riley from 5x15)

Now I dont know how the final scene ends.. they definitely dont get called away for their solo mission immediately after because Mac’s cheek injury is relatively healed in this stills, which means Riley does answer Mac’s question. She may try to avoid it or deflect but he is standing right there so...who knows.

Next weeks episode is a MacRIley solo mission and lets just say things definitely are heating up a bit..*wink wink*

YUP IM HYPED. 

BRING ON THE SEXUAL TENSION AND THE ANGST!

[kiloxy]

Analysis: WHY DREAM IS ACTUALLY BLONDE GEORGE!

NOW DON’T SCROLL AWAY JUST YET!

Listen Guys I have come up with the greatest theory/analysis of my life. Twitter could NEVER. This is about to solidify me as one of the lead big brain theorists on tumblr, cross my heart..... *cough* shit-poster *cough* I mean what? anyway... This analysis includes lots of receipts! Now let’s begin me launching my 1000000000 IQ career faster than Dream can MLG water out of this damning post. 

Tw: Close up of eyes since I zoomed in images of their eyes as proof. It will be under the cut.

So let me start with the question everyone has asked: WHO IS DREAM?!?

He’s the mysterious lime green, tea kettle sounding, god level skill, 10000 IQ, pissbaby enigma that took the internet BY STORM. He has grown so fast and so quick it’s insane, big brain plays must be through the roof. We could wonder how he did this... Why he did this.... But really. All we should care about is WHO THE FUCK IS HE?!!?!

Excuse my language... But anyway.. I have been working DAY AND NIGHT. To figure this out for you guys. It’s been 78 hours of no sleep. After escaping Dream’s basement (smart ass found out I was going to expose him) I have finally made it to a computer to post this...   

Dream is Blonde George

Okay wait wait wait! Before you go leave, screaming and appalled, slamming the button to unfollow my broke ass, hear me out. 

First point... What the fuck is blonde George?

THIS MAN. REMEMBER HE BLEW UP?!?! WHY DID HE? WHY??? I mean we hate him! Well the only reasonable explanation is that he was a PLANT!

Yes that’s right, blonde George was a plant. This is actually Dream. Now Dream loves chaos, he’s even mentioned before he may make a stan account/pose as a cosplayer and I think this was his way...He leaked this photo of him on twitter to fuck with us. To test the waters before the Mr.Beast video where he might reveal himself as blonde George. 

Only Dream and his 1000000 IQ could blow up a post like this guys, think about it! 

OKAY TIME FOR THE REAL PROOF:

We know Dream’s hair color okay, look at this twitter post where he does a hair color reveal:

POST HERE

Now let’s take a closer look. Here’s Dream’s hair:

Rest of the analysis under the cut includes more analyzed images, links, and video as proof:

Now I took to an eyedropper and examined Blonde George’s hair and got:

LOOK HOW CLOSE THE NUMBERS ARE!  AND WE KNOW NUMBERS DON’T LIE! The more samples I took of blonde George’s hair and compared to Dream’s the clearer it became... Their hair... Is the same! 

Now that we have the hair matching what else can we figure out? I mean Dream said he had green eyes, we even have a pic here of them. 

But I ask you.... Dream’s smart. You really think he’s telling the truth? I mean think of the the vlog incident. Man is a liar. 

I introduce to you a concept: CONTACTS

You see Dream knew that blonde George would get a lot of traction (he wanted it to). But he didn’t want to be outed too fast. I mean blonde white dude? blowing up on twitter? Obviously traceable back to Dream. So change one of his most distinct features, his eyes! He is wearing brown contacts. I have proof, let’s look at blonde Gog again. uSING MY EXPENSIVE HIGH TECH EQUIPMENT I-

ENHANCE ENHANCE ENHANCE!

I mean first just looking at this you can see the odd white glare on his eye... Now that is not your usual eye glare, no... That’s an eye glare that shows what it looks like when light reflects off a contact lens. He is wearing contacts! 

But if that isn’t enough for you I cleaned up the photo of blonde George’s eye using mad skillz I learned from crime shows and got:

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT! CLEARLY A CONTACT LENS AND A CHEAP ONE TOO! LOOK HOW ARTIFICIAL IT IS IN THIS CLEAR ZOOMED IN PICTURE OF BLONDE GEORGE’S EYE THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A PHOTO OF A RANDOM WOMAN I FOUND WITH A CONTACT. 

Dream put in brown contacts! Why else would this “blonde George” be wearing contacts huh??? We know real George has 100% real gorgeous brown eyes. 

Now you may be saying, well that’s just an edited photo of legit George. We have the real photo of George.  But no, it’s not! THAT’S WHAT DREAM WANTS YOU TO THINK SHEEPLE, WAKE UP!

Dream put on a red hoodie, styled his hair to look like George, and he posed just right so it looks like it’s an edited version of that photo of Gog. But it’s not! We can tell by the contacts! Also George would never exude the off vibes blonde George does. It doesn’t pass the vibe check. 

Now while there are so many other bits of proof... This is getting long and I want to wrap it up. So here’s one last big bit of proof. 

THIS VIDEO OF THE SCUFFED PODCAST AT 15:37

They talk about blonde George and, George claims it is photoshopped but he smiles nervously. And as he pulls up blonde George Dream does his nervous laugh. Why is he nervous? Why would he be nervous?? about this “meme”. Maybe because he’s scared to be found out,

Now the most important part:

“I don’t rlly like it tbh.”- Gog.

“Uhhh I don’t like it.”-Dream.

Now you may have brushed past this upon viewing, but.... Nobody asked for Dream’s opinion. This was supposed to be about GEORGE why would Dream input his opinion and speak like it’s about him... BECAUSE IT IS HIM

Now the most damning of all... 16:50 same video.

“Dream have you like ever done a face reveal or no?”-??

Dream HESITATES 

“No- I haven’t yet. I do plan on doing one but I haven’t yet.”

As he speaks his words get more rushed and quiet, he’s lying. He’s nervous.

Then George saving him, redirects the topic completely off blonde George and Dream immediately jumps on the new topic eager to switch focus. It’s so weird how fast they move the topic, the clearly don’t want to talk about it. George is a good friend, he knew that Dream was scared and needed an out of the conversation before he outed himself as blonde George. 

But... they couldn’t keep the ruse up.... BECAUSE I AM HERE! 

I see you Dream and your 10000000 IQ. HE THOUGHT HE COULD CONTAIN ME, CONTAIN THE TRUTH. BUT I- BREAKING GENESIS CAN NOT BE STOPPED. I ESCAPED HIS BASEMENT JUST FOR THIS FUCKING POST! IT WAS MANHUNT, I SPEEDRAN THIS SHIT. I BET HE’S LOOKING FOR ME NOW.

*cough* Anyway, now my very very last point. 

Why haven’t we ever seen Dream and Blonde George in a room together huh? It’s weird right?? They can’t coexist separately because THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. IT’S SO OBVIOUS! 

If this grade A++++, wagyu quality, meaty with receipts analysis wasn’t enough to convince you then.... I am going to hack into Mr.Beast’s content. I am on my way to his house as I type this... Next post I am LEAKING images from the shoot when Dream drops the sign that will SHOW that he is in fact Blonde George. 

If you have more proof.... Anything to add... react... or respond to this analysis. My inbox is open.

Wish me luck, I honed my hacker skillz just for this. You may not be able to trust Dream, but you can trust me! Hopefully I can do this before Dre catches me again. 

o7 bois 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 261: Wakey Wakey

Previously on BnHA: The heroes decided that the only way to beat the villains was with an insane winner-takes-all gambit involving two simultaneous attacks, one on the Pliff base in Gunga Mountain, and the other on a quaint little hospital in Jakku that just so happens to be where Ujiko is keeping his Noumuraki in cold storage along with all his other evil science junk. We still don’t know what the fuck is going on in Gunga, but over in Jakku things are shockingly not really going according to plan! First Ujiko was stabbed by a Noumu space slug and melted away into nothing because HE’S A FAAAAAAAKE. Then a bunch of other Noumu came running out of the morgue to distract everyone while the real Ujiko scuttled about his lab in a panic in his lab and literally called the heroes “THOSE MEDDLESOME HEROES” because he is literally a cartoon villain, only with the evilness cranked up to 11. Thankfully before he could warp away and escape, Miruko, a.k.a. the queen of this entire arc, busted down the door and crushed John-chan like a bug (RIP JOHN-CHAN) and took hold of my heart and was all “THIS IS MINE NOW” and I was like “okay” and now she’s gonna kick Ujiko’s ass????! Or so we can hope anyway?

Today on BnHA: Well Miruko almost kicks Ujiko’s ass, and he almost doesn’t manage to punch in the activation code for his High End Noumus, and we almost manage to be spared the chaotic scene where they all come to life and wreak havoc. But unfortunately “almost” is as close as we get, mainly because every single other character decides to hang back in the hospital entrance fighting a bunch of nobodies rather than bothering to help Miruko out. Everyone that is, except Crust, who provides some assistance by (a) not mentioning to anyone how there’s a whole other tunnel that leads out of the lab and goes DIRECTLY OUTSIDE TO WHERE MY CHILDREN PRESUMABLY ARE, and (b) arriving at the lab and then not really doing anything else at all except shouting a bit. So apparently this is what we’re working with. Thankfully Miruko is somehow still alive, because it looks like she’s about to have to fight these guys pretty much on her own. Unfortunately Ujiko takes advantage of all the chaos to abscond the fuck out of there. And so the chapter leaves off with one of those “record scratch, freeze frame, yep that’s me you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation” moments. Fun times.

so Ujiko got a new name last week; he is now Garaki Kyuudai. you can read all about the meaning of the name on Caleb’s twitter if you feel so inclined. so we are now moving on, and we’ll see how many times I forget this new name and have to go back and look it up (ETA: at least twice so far)

so hopefully today will be the day when we finally discover just how and why everything is going to go terribly wrong, because it’s getting stressful bracing myself for that shoe to drop every damn week. if you’re going to put my kids in terrible danger than GO AHEAD AND PUT THEM IN DANGER ALREADY THEN. please. I can’t go on like this

holy shit you guys

see, now this is the kind of fanservice I can get behind. too bad I can’t really focus on that at all right now because

well then. it’s only the thing I’ve been simultaneously anticipating and dreading ever since the start of the My Villain Academia arc! don’t mind me guys. I’m just gonna. sit here nearly frozen but also kind of vibrating/pulsing ever so slightly

OH NO MIRUKO WHAT DID YOU DO

holy shit you guys. I RECOGNIZE THAT BIG BLACK DOOR FROM BACK IN MY KHR DAYS. ONLY BACK THEN IT WASN’T A DOOR AT ALL, BUT A WALL. A GLORIOUS AND TERRIBLE WALL WHICH SINGLEHANDEDLY BROUGHT ONE OF THE STRONGEST CHARACTERS TO HIS KNEES DURING A DO-OR-DIE “HEROES INVADE THE VILLAINS’ LAIR” ARC VERY MUCH LIKE THIS. oh my god. and now he has returned, after all these years, to once again fuck up the heroes’ plans at a critical and devastating moment. curse you wall

also did we really need to see this

Horikoshi: “you know what I haven’t drawn yet that I’d really like to draw. brains. just some brains splattered around all messily. children love that almost as much as they love dead dogs”

ffsdsdlfkjl YOU KNOW WHAT WE ALSO DIDN’T NEED TO SEE, HOLY CHRIST

A FLASHBACK TO UJIKO “COMFORTING” A BLOODIED JOHN-CHAN AFTER A SUCCESSFUL TEST RUN OF HIS NOUMU CAPABILITIES, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS. DID YOU GUYS ASK FOR THIS? I SURE AS HELL DIDN’T. I HAVE NO REAL WAY OF KNOWING THIS FOR SURE, BUT I’M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE THIS. LIKE, I CAN’T SAY THAT WITH CERTAINTY, BUT ACTUALLY I CAN THOUGH

ugh. anyway. “just Noumu Arc things,” Horikoshi says with a shrug. listen you son of a --

meanwhile if Ujiko gets all angry and tearfully sics all of the High Ends on Miruko in his rage, I will... actually I’ll sit here not being even remotely surprised at all, but still freaking out though. damn it, this is why I need that freaking shoe to drop already like I said. that thing is just sitting there like a loose snack in a malfunctioning vending machine and I’m standing here cursing and thumping on the glass and asking if anybody has a quarter

GODDAMMIT I DON’T NEED TO HEAR HIS FUCKING EULOGY FOR HIS PET MONSTER WHICH USED TO BE AN INNOCENT LITTLE CHILD UNTIL HE MAIMED AND TORTURED THE HUMANITY OUT OF IT

is that freaking All for One in the top right panel. YOU’RE ON MY SHITLIST TOO MISTER

looooooooool :’)

lol I think we finally got that shoe loose folks. sob. go ahead and activate them you crusty old fuck

also are these things in the little tubes... quirks??? like what the hell

so now Ujiko’s screaming (I guess if he’s upset we can take that as a good sign?), and meanwhile Miruko is all

still smiling even now. god how I love her. “I’LL FIND OUT IF I KICK HIM” GOD MIRUKO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A FEMALE HIMBO. LIKE WITH LESS PEJORATIVE CONNOTATIONS THAN THE ORIGINAL “BIMBO” AND WITH MORE OF A “SOMEONE WHO’S REALLY HOT AND COULD CRUSH YOU WITH HER PINKY AND IS ALSO A FEW ICE BRICKS SHORT OF AN IGLOO” KIND OF VIBE TO IT. HERBO??? OR WHAT ABOUT... SHIMBO

anyway Endeavor is all “catch him” which is some great fucking advice coming from someone that hasn’t even made it inside the morgue entrance yet. what fucking good are you. at least he fried the space slug

but unfortunately that hasn’t quite solved all their problems yet

honestly though, he should still go after her. like, screw all the rest of this. get your priorities in order!! she just said there were a ton of REALLY STRONG-LOOKING!! Noumus over there too, and meanwhile she’s the only one there because none of these other dinguses seem to realize that if you want to stop the fucking Noumus you need to stop the guy in charge. otherwise they’ll just keep on coming!!

you know what, forget what I implied a couple paragraphs ago about Miruko being a few twists short of a slinky. she may have a straightforward “hit first and ask questions later” approach to things, but it’s increasingly clear that she’s still in possession of this team’s one shared brain cell right now

(ETA: the more that I think about this the madder I get. I count at least seven heroes in this shot. you’re telling me you couldn’t spare a single one??)

ooh we’re cutting to Mandalay!

she says the last of the civilians have just been evacuated from the hospital! I don’t know why she’s yelling this to them out loud and not thinking it at them like in the forest arc but whatever. the evacuation part got me thinking about the kids and now I desperately want to see how they’re doing but first we have to wait for this High End situation to finish spiraling out of control I guess

-- holy shit holy shit holy shit

okay so this guy, who was the closest behind Miruko -- I forget who he is but I remember he was one of the top ten... goddammit let me look it up... okay yeah, he’s Crust, the number six hero, whose quirk I don’t think we know yet -- anyway so he’s running down the corridor and, well...

first of all he says hmmm way too much. but more importantly he just confirmed that at least one of these corridors leads directly outside. without passing through the hospital at all. implying that the Noumus can bypass the squad of heroes entirely and escape to rampage out on the mountainside

so the one job that the heroes had today, which was to make sure that none of the villains escaped, has already proven a failure. there are Noumus outside. and who else is outside in the mountains of Jakku right now, you guys? EXACTLY

meanwhile this fucking boomer hasn’t even bothered to say this part out loud so that the other heroes can hear and realize that there are potentially escaped Noumus on the lam! like it would be nice to maybe mention that so that they know their plan has sprung a leak and also so that Endeavor can WARN HIS FUCKING INTERNS JESUS CHRIST

anyway so Crust has stumbled upon a group of Noumus and is attacking them and still not revealing a thing to his pals, thanks so much!!!

and now Miruko is leaping at Ujiko so that means ladies and gentlemen it’s finally TIME FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN!

WHY IS THIS TAKING A WHOLE FUCKING PAGE

no fucking duh?? holy shit. he may be an evil genius but he’s really not that great at thinking on his feet

-- oh shit?!

A WILD RAY OF HOPE APPEARS?? looooool are you serious? that must mean that they’re so fucking powerful the heroes wouldn’t stand a chance if they were activated. so despite all appearances, Horikoshi is actually not throwing them to the wolves just yet and there is still a thin layer of plot armor surrounding them!

--but what the hell IS HE TURNING THEM ON ANYWAY?!

sob, he is. holy shit he’s gonna sic a High End on my wife and it’ll be the strongest fucking thing we’ve ever seen and meanwhile Ujiko will be watching all “hur hur it’s not even using 10% of its power” fucking fuck me

WHAT THE FUCK

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THERE’S ANOTHER WARPING NOUMU JESUS

so he just left?? but turned the Noumus on first?? so now they have ten fucking hours before these things get strong enough to level the whole fucking planet are you shitting meeeee. and did he just leave Tomura there too or did he also warp him out?

wait a sec no he’s still there. lol what the fuck. so did Mocha-chan create a duplicate of him then and that’s what Miruko kicked?

I’m so confused lmao

(ETA: still confused tbh. but we have bigger fish to fry!)

but anyway. this is what we came for though

wakey wakey. hey can someone go slap Endeavor and all those other heroes for me for deciding it was more important to battle the “small fries” out in front rather than give Miruko some fucking backup so it wouldn’t be all on her to stop this shitclown from remote activating his unstoppable army of death? fucking Mic could have ended this whole show with one shouted “YODELAYHEEHOO~” down this echo-y corridor for fuck’s sake!! Aizawa could have stopped Mocha from using her quirk! god damn! I hope you’re all happy!!

LMAO HOLY FUCKING SHIT

THAT’S THE SCARIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN?! HAHAHA MY HEART IS GENUINELY RACING, I’M DEFAULTING TO MY “HAUNTED HOUSE LAUGHTER” INSTINCT IN WHICH I KEEP LAUGHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO FUCKING TENSE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO

LIKE, THE ONE NEARLY BIT HER FUCKING FACE OFF BEFORE SHE KICKED ITS BITEY HAND IN HALF, BUT MEANWHILE THE OTHER ONE IS TRYING TO GRAB HER ENTIRE HEAD WITH ITS MASSIVE FUCKING HAND ATTACHED TO AN ARM THAT’S LITERALLY AS LONG AS MIRUKO IS TALL, AND THAT HAND IS BIG ENOUGH THAT IF IT CLOSED ITS FIST HER HEAD WOULD LITERALLY POP LIKE A GRAPE HOLY SHIT?!?!

NO THANK YOU I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT THAT’S ALL RIGHT I DON’T WANT IT TAKE IT BACK PLEASE

oh thank fuck I think Miruko escaped?? or they just threw her into that wall, at least. well still better then getting your head crushed

and now these two are trying to talk because fuck me I forgot high ends can fucking talk

“h...hero...” took me a second to figure out what they were saying there but damned if that didn’t send a chill down my spine!

also Miruko really did kick its hand right the fuck off, god I love her. even if it is instantly growing back

you guys I literally can’t stop laughing lol

HAHAHA WE’RE SO FUCKED!?!

ALSO IS THAT ONE GUY CRIMSON RIOT?!!

hmm lol maybe not. idk though he just gave me that vibe

LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ALL ARE LOL

THEY JUST WANT TO KILL THEM ALL THAT’S SO GREAT. THIS IS ALL SO WONDERFUL THEY KO’D MIRUKO IN 0.4 SECONDS AND NOW THEY WANT TO “GO BERSERK” WHAT A GRAND TIME WE’RE IN FOR

LMAO ARE YOU SERIOUS

FUCKING CRUST OUT HERE LIKE TROY WITH THE PIZZA BOXES. DO YOU WANT TO JUST TURN THE FUCK AROUND RIGHT NOW BOY. NGL IF THEY RIP YOUR HEAD OFF I’M NOT EVEN GONNA DO ANYTHING EXCEPT ROLL MY EYES. WATCH HIM NOT SHOUT A WARNING TO THE OTHERS EVEN NOW

(ETA: I s2g though. hello?! is your headset broken???)

and he’s being greeted by this big guy with a gear head and a weird lumpy spine

somehow at first I thought that first lump on his back was an “R” symbol because I’m bad at interpreting images, so now I want to call him Rusty because I’m also bad at coming up with nicknames on the spot. I’m sorry Rusty

anyway so Rusty and Crust are immediately getting into an argument and meanwhile Ujiko is just SITTING THERE BECAUSE HE CAN, NOW

because Endeavor, Aizawa, Mic, and the others all decided it was more important to abandon their most important target in favor of trying to contain the comparatively harmless redshirt Noumus in the lobby. which is also pointless, because they’re not actually containing shit, because there are other exits besides for just the hospital! which they would fucking know if Crust was capable of relaying vital information instead of strategically saving his breath for more important things like sarcastically calling this Rusty guy “clever”

in conclusion the heroes have all picked the absolute worst time to collectively shit the bed and I’ve had it with them and they all need to retire, except for Miruko. and the kids. who are now soon to be directly in the line of fire thanks to this shitshow

LMAO HORIKOSHI YOU PIECE OF SHIT SOMEHOW I FUCKING KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO PICK THIS WEEK TO ANNOUNCE A BREAK YOU GLEEFUL LITTLE TROLL

and two weeks from now is when I’ll finally be watching the new movie though, so I don’t even know how that’s gonna work lol. guess that’s why they put the extra day in February this year. ah well

anyway! so Miruko is still alive and more reminiscent of Katsuki now than ever, which is fucking great because Crust so far has been exactly as useful as you would expect some stupid old guy with the name “crust” to be, sigh. anyway I’m glad to see my girl’s spirits haven’t been dampened

meanwhile Ujiko straight up did leave Tomura there, which is interesting lol. and so now it looks to be Miruko and Crust (with the latter’s contribution extremely in doubt) versus Rusty, Jester, Max Rebo, Girl!Noumu, and Noumu!Riot. I’m strangely not worried for Miruko because I have decided that she’s invincible, and because Horikoshi has graciously nerfed these guys a bit (please accept my dripping-with-sarcasm “gee thanks”, Horikoshi)

but I am however worried about my three sons over on the edge of town who are about to be waylaid by god knows what. not to mention all my other kids 80km away! how will their day be ruined? we shall see!

[gplewis]

🎨

here’s the mess I created on my easel of raw thoughts today, i post it so to relieve myself of the burden of consciousness; i am also relearning what it is to Be a Person and Post Online; I am tired of thinking and closing the gaps between thoughts and feelings, memories and concepts, and maybe it is crucial that I wring my instruments out completely every day for years ~ why? to be great? to be free? undeniable? i have stopped making sense, and the burden of all this content i’ve made becomes greater; the mess to reflect on and scroll past grows larger and more gruesome, yet something urges me on to keep using every word i know and turn it into material, i have given up every other life, every other goal, i have insisted on my silence and freedom and now i must sing the song that makes it worth it, oh god, would i tell you to click elsewhere?

https://linktr.ee/gplewis

all my other stuff is there; i don’t know how to plate myself yet, i’m insane, but i’m shipping this stuff to you for free, here, world, take it all and eat it, digest me, spit me back out as fowl feathers and rusty bone — oh, an impossible image! yes, makes sense; oh, words running into each other, colliding in patterns that aren’t mathematical; oh, more brain cycles that don’t fit, more dementia, more risks of alienation, more reason to go from imagined to real

stop making sense was the musicians’ advice i heeded

swimming in Pinterest pins before the world ends, drawing for my inner sensor directions to the promised land: surely these two co-imagine my final resting place when nestled together in this digital box birthed today, live, right here, mooing calf ~ oh no, the voice is off its hinges

oh no now it doesn’t make sense who will know how to delete this?

how to live uncontainable?

if someone dares brand my leakage;

poems from today that could use some line breaks

poetry flow 9/24/20; dare I brand? SOME MAN WITH POWER AND STATURE: COME RESCUE ME! but no, all there is is the iron hand of Sylvia Plath with a feminine mystique injected in like air flowing through veins that open up like poppies on an undisturbed hillside that looks at no calendar, measures itself according to no past

it is me who is separated from the people i love perception is the distance; not acting is the only holdup; my own choked throat locked up with not-speaking; doesn’t current want to flow? who is the wanter? need i know? knowledge is the chokepoint of course, that impossible possession

who could sort this poetry? everyone is online remembering or filming a video trying to get close to an essence

tracking the meaning, doing the acts I’ve become an expert seafarer of the void in which nothing counts and nothing lasts nothing is real except chemistry and fear and love and love and LOVE the real children we love; love’s insistence on reality an invention the camera freezes for us: we look and we believe

as the spiritual athlete’s quick but abstract ability to let go I can take a clipping from anything and continue it, continue any other human’s thought as if it were mine, intuit their situation (having consumed too many slices, glimpsed too many cracks of light emanating from broken hearts, hungry lives, fervors for success, aspiration machines seated at laptops bleating their desire, sheep hoping for rescue, to be clicked and paid enough, a slippery mountain of meaningless consequence — the powerful play goes on without us; we cling to life and our standing but it is nothing, it is water flowing down a cliff, and even being one of greats is no salvation; knowing is no escape from living. Chop wood, carry water, survive your family, interpret your connections to others, keep the act going,

if only i could share what i see and the glory of seeing, and have you understand how i’ve arrived at it; i’ve made myself a plane hard to land, impossible to land; i drive down and there’s no surface, only void — above us, only sky; no hard surface to etch into that wouldn’t suffer and lose the competition for sight against the other surfaces and screwed-up eyeballs; can a poet love anything but his silence?

seeking what’s beyond the human compass for years now a decade plus proof is there, wanna see? the picasso quotes from 2010, proof of my longing for justice and peace with the cosmos digital money permission safety won’t be hard or given, it can’t but poetry can fall from my hunger and it won’t be good enough i could die writing and refresh the pile of all below making poets great again pushing the cement block forward making it maybe possible once more to be the kind of person who observes, thinks, notices, knows how to look speaks sings paints dances do we want it? who will finance it? how could it be? how could it not be? we’re writing a cautionary tale collectively

noticing a squirrel climbing the steps with limbs like mine we both share using our bodies to rescue us to pull us up naked on the planet

doing unpaid symphonies giving music away for free for free for free for free maybe doing it is the way to make it real, make it the norm, yes don’t you wish to be rescued by normalcy?

these could be poems if someone broke down the door and defined you, brought you out or maybe they only make sense if you’re dead

what happens when you’re out of gas? thought thought endless rabbit void wandering in again nothing there, no food water shelter nothing to hold you yet you go through the door to eternity to nothingness obliteration and can’t resist? why? life is here, a woman her arms surely you can’t just sketch your way to staying away from life, resisting buying a house, housing yourself, fulfilling the proper I guess mine is a liquid war with propriety

keep going in the dark might be the only advice keep doing the mystical keep making what has to be made keep making what there is to make from your awareness, your inner voice it would be strange at first, no? this conversation with no one featuring a new person if only the whole mess could be uploaded and understood tweeting is a writing aid, writing is a tweeting aid it’s all practice, performance, conversation, metrics, measurement, discussion: but who pays the rent? is there a man working a boring job somewhere? why is that the solution? but of course the man (me) asking why the world isn’t different is alone; aloneness is the virtue; i’m at the center of my decay

waiting to be bought

posting everywhere hoping someone sees it at least i die in league with other people posting too floating heads active now, making stuff, going live putting themselves out there radiating their essence into the universe i am rebuilding my world in a way someone could read and make sense of maybe these lines endlessly tabbed down this flow, this inner music only i heard is readable, will be read, recognized, made real in the world i look at onscreen and call ‘the world’; i wonder if we’re all trying to merge our versions of the world

write as if there is no world the silence of everyone being elsewhere it’s like I woke up to a Twitter and was the last man alive, empty planet

leaking manifold fuselage falling into the sea an explosion waiting to happen and devastate the audience who's already reeling, can't bear another video of bad news bad news bad news worse news no, save them, give them something happy a clown dressed in white & red would that do?

there will be no rescue but perception and inaction, followed by actions you wish someone would understand like you do

we’re just looking for someone whose inner voice is ours; we’re looking for ourself but it’s not enough and so we find a competitor draw them close like an escaped prisoner would be drawn and quartered in Medieval times, limbs pulled apart by horses running outward from a center I join the artists who paint darkly

[horrorhouse]

A Response to Josh Gad

On August 28, 2019, actor Josh Gad decided to post a lengthy Twitter thread regarding our political climate. I decided I wanted to post it in its entirety as one long letter instead of just posting each individual tweet and then give my response point by point. So here we go.

I don’t want to be the guy always shouting at the top of his lungs about the same thing. Life is too short. So this (I’m hoping) will be the last time I try to put into words how I feel about the current political situation we are in and reach out to those of you content with where things are right now in our country. So here we go. I know some of you wanted and hoped to throw the whole system out and see what happened if we disrupted political norms and elected a “guy who says it like it is” and in a weird way, I guess I even understand that impulse. But this is where we are now objectively: Donald Trump has never been fit for office and it appears that he is mentally unhinged. We can talk around it. We can play word games. We can debate what that means. But by all appearances he is truly a “madman.” I know it sounds funny and entertaining to hear the absurdity of the President of the United States threaten to nuke a thunderstorm to send it away or get angry at a country for not selling him another country but it’s not funny. It’s actually debilitatingly [sic] sad. Because our lives aren’t a reality show, even if he thinks he’s living in one. We have all lost the plot. We are chasing him down a rabbit hole of insanity and avoiding real issues like gun violence, immigration, health care, poverty and most importantly the very real threat of climate change, something this man doesn’t even believe exists because apparently he knows more as a realtor than the entire scientific community. We aren’t on the precipice of catastrophe or at the doorstep of doom...we are sadly past it. We need leadership to help us formulate how we adapt, grow & tackle environmental changes unlike any humanity has seen in the last few thousand years. But we don’t have that. Instead we have a man more interested in who likes him & who doesn’t than in anybody’s welfare currently reading this thread. I know some people out there believe he must be supported because he represents the religious and moral values you and your family share. But, the truth is, I know nobody really believes that because each and every single version of religious texts I’ve come across say that lying, cheating, stealing, coveting, and deceiving are not moral attributes worthy of lauding. He’s the definition of a fraud. You know it. I know it. Hell, even Fox News knows it. For them, it’s just another inconvenient truth. This isn’t about moral leadership. If you can sleep at night telling yourself that this President is a morally righteous, mentally sound, truthful man, I envy you. I wish I could fool my brain into believing a single syllable of that sentence. I’d have much fewer gray hairs. But I’m not living with my head in the sand. I can, sadly, see what a child should be able to see...we are all in danger as long as this demagogue is in the Oval Office. He is a monster. A racist white Nationalist, who doesn’t even bother using dog whistles, but is singing out loud for all to hear. Our allies are now our enemies. Our enemies are now inside our gates making a mockery of our system while our President cheers them on. 2020 isn’t an election year. It’s the single most historically important moment for our country in the modern era. We have already failed this test once. If we fail again...there is no do-over. History will bury us in its annals and assail us like those fools whose mistakes we repeated because we were too greedy, stubborn or polarized to do the right thing. After all, this is no longer about political differences. This isn’t a football game where we’re all on different teams. This is one union. One country under God that has been through hell and back but carried a torch of greatness on its shores promising something better than anywhere else in the world...opportunity. “The American Dream.” For far too many that dream has become a waking nightmare. Let’s wake ourselves up. Let’s come together. Before it’s too late. Register. Fight. Educate. Learn. Read. Resist. And most importantly. VOTE. Vote like your life depends on it...because this time it does.

Josh, I hope that you have the chance to read my response and consider what I have to say. Part of the problem with the condition of our country is the divisions created when people aren’t willing to listen to and respect each other’s differing viewpoints. First of all, you say that you don’t want to be the guy screaming about the same thing at the top of your lungs and life is short, yet you say you’d have much fewer gray hairs if you could go to sleep at night believe the President is a morally righteous, mentally sound, truthful man. If life is so short, why are you keeping yourself up at night over your own personal beliefs? It’s self-sabotage, and maybe you should consider seeing a doctor for the benefit of your mental health and also a cardiologist so you don’t have a coronary. I voted for President Trump, and it wasn’t to throw a wrench in the system and shake up “political norms”. I weighed my options. I didn’t vote for him in the primaries. But between Trump and Hillary Clinton, I chose who I felt at the time was the lesser of two evils. Voters had no real yard stick with which to measure Trump’s political accomplishments or failures. We had one for Hillary, and clearly the American people didn’t want her in office. She has a history of racism going all the way back to her time as First Lady of Arkansas. There’s video of Hillary on the campaign trail from March 2016 at a coffee shop in Minnesota when she snapped at a young female person of color for questioning her on whether she planned to address the diversity of elected officials. Not to mention the emails that leaked days before the election no doubt had an affect on voters. Her history with her husband’s victims didn’t help her, either. The President isn’t avoiding issues like gun violence, immigration, health care, poverty -- you just don’t agree with what he has done on those issues. He’s addressing the issues and looking for bipartisan solutions. For one thing, he instituted a ban on bump stocks. He pressured Mexico to crack down on migrants passing through their country to get into the United States (the majority of whom were entering the country illegally -- you can hate the law all you want but until it changes, it’s the law that exists and should be enforced), his administration has expanded access to prescription drugs and the slowdown in prescription drug price growth during his time in office has saved over $26 billion. With regard to poverty, President Trump created 4.7 million jobs in his first two years and lowered the unemployment rate to its lowest in recorded history, particularly for African-Americans and Hispanics. I’d love to hear what your solutions are for these issues.  As for climate change, President Trump said climate change is a complex issue and added “I’m not sure anybody is ever going to really know” the cause. There are several theories that have been explored by scientists and numerous solutions presented, both small- and large-scale. Some aspects of earth’s core temperature changes have nothing to do with man - they’re do to natural environmental effects. So how do you intend to completely eradicate global warming? I know the President isn’t perfect. I know he’s not a paragon of moral virtue. But in my opinion, he’s still a better leader than Hillary Clinton would have been. At this point, you sound like someone standing on a street corner holding a sign that says THE END IS NIGH. If anyone’s mental state should be considered and questioned, perhaps it’s your own. Just from reading your tweets, it comes off that you’re some foaming-at-the-mouth lunatic.

[calmingforthemedicalcaregiver]

WELCOME!!

WARNING:  Near the end, talk of depression, implied talk of suicide and hurting yourself. (I never hurt myself, just so you know.)

Hello one and all!

    This is my new blog for caregivers. It’s a little inspired by some website I ran across around 2007, the year after I first started caregiving for my mom. (War flashbacks.) The site had funny jokes and things, intended for something for caregivers to do when they’re relaxing. I thought I’d do a similar idea, and throw in what I’ve learned over 10 years, (16 years this year), of doing this. Everyone needs a break sometimes.

About my experience (long!): My mom had multiple sclerosis for a long time. I remember her symptoms were starting to hit hard when I was in JR. high, but I think she first developed the disease in the late 80s or early 90s. For most of my life, we thought it was what’s called remitting-recurring, but it was primary progressive, which is just what it means. Her health declined over time. She went from walking, to being bedridden in 2006 sometime after a bad fall, with canes, wheelchairs and walkers in between. There was also this whole thing in 2005 when we were taking on a job and the stress may have brought on a flare up for her. We were never really sure. Unfortunately, her neurologist was frighteningly old. To this day I don’t know why she picked him. I will always blame him for misdiagnosing her, and I don’t even remember what the guys name was.

So, longer story, eventually her legs just gave out, but it got worse. She stopped eating and talking. As it turned out, her GP was on maternity leave, and on top of that, it took the better part of six months to even get her admitted into the hospital.  I know, it all sounds scary and it was scary. During those months BEFORE the hospital, I was sinking into depression and so was she. There was a lot of crying involved. (Also an incident where our roof was leaking and we had to stay at a hotel. Fun times (sarcasm.) I have mentally blocked a lot of it out, but that’s what happens with traumatic events. Your brain is so in shock, you’re so in shock, that your brain deletes those files. And that’s okay, for the most part. If you remember the basics of how you started caregiving and what’s going on with your “patient”, you don’t have to give doctors and nurses every single detail.

After she was finally admitted (and frick that whole hospital by the way), it was months she was there. We thought the worst was going to happen. Eventually she was released, and that’s when the denial started. You see, there’s things you don’t think about and no one tells you. When you’re 22, you don’t think about caregiving. And you don’t think about how the months your relative was drugged up on painkillers and how it’ll effect them after months. So, my mom came out of the hospital...how to put this...out of it and not there mentally. Like someone with Alzheimer's I guess. She was talking again, here and there, but everything was off. This lasted for months and we had no clue what to do. Eventually, we got her to her doctor, now back from maternity leave, and I asked about it. Her answer? “The (name of drugs) have been absorbed by the fat in her arms and that’s why she’s acting like this.” What the actual frick? So, more months of being lost and no answer if she was going to be like that forever or what. Cue sometime later and we’re having nurses come in. This nurse suggests putting her on X drug to stabilize her mind or whatever. (I can’t remember exactly what was said, it was so long ago.) I was ecstatic, but I was also in denial. I thought one day she was going to pull out of it and be back to normal mentally. Not sure if I felt the same about her maybe walking again, but it’s a moot point. So, got her on it, and it worked. She was now making more sense, but pretty euphoric all the time. Chatty. And eating again and off the feeding tube. (Yep, that happened.) I forgot to mention that she has dementia, but it’s not “true” dementia. As far as we can tell, the MS and lack of food just ate away at her brain, so brain damage.

So, things progressed and life went on. In situations like this, life does tend to get worse though. My attitude changed a lot. I went from being angry and depressed all the time to being less angry and sad sometimes. (I suspect-surprise-I may have functioning depression.) But my mom is miles from where she was. She doesn’t talk as much to us, but you get a new person in the room and they ask her the right questions, she’s awake and wants to talk. A year ago, she didn’t have ticks, but now she sucks in her lips about every three seconds. (I’ll be honest, it drives me insane.) I know she is bored, but her eyesight isn’t that great (nearsighted), and her hands are failing her to the point where we have to feed her if it’s not a finger food. And, as you may know, it’s hard to keep a bedridden or old person awake for long. If she’s tired, there’s no fighting it. I have tried to provide her with puzzles and things, but it depends on the time of day and how awake she is. I have NO IDEA how to keep her entertained. She used to love reading, but you hand her a magazine and she just stares at the cover. How do you entertain someone who can barely see with weak hands who wants to sleep all day? I’m still figuring that out. (I’ve looked at suggestions online, but haven’t done a lot of them. But, she does like music and listens to the TV more than really watches. That’s another thing, she’s gotten to the point where she repeats random things from shows. I’m not sure why, guess it’s just the degeneration. 

And as for me, I take it one day at a time. We’ve had 100+ nurses over the years, and our latest is a gem. Some nurses were “okay”  to “Please stay forever, here’s a bonus”.  My point with that is, I have so many stories I want to get out, but I’m not sure if that’s slander even if you keep the person anonymous. Back to me, I’m less upset, but I have a lot of resentment. I find it very hard to connect with my mom again. She doesn’t remember me at all, thinking I’m her mom (whut?) or her sister. (I look nothing like her actual sister.) So, the repeating soundtrack in my head is that my mother is gone. It’s heartbreaking, I know. It’s horrible. But horrible things happen. I’m still here. Like most caregivers, in the beginning I had a lot of bad thoughts and they scared me, but I wasn’t in so deep to want to act or hurt myself. Sure, I was miserable, but I had no outlet and many of my friends around my age at the time were, for the most part, not my friends. (Three of them got married in like the first five years I’d started caregiving. Never heard from them after that. That’s another rant I held with me for a long time after.)

I have repeated my mom’s story to various doctors, nurses, and inquiring friends over the years. Now I’m sharing it with the internet. If you’re a caregiver, you’re not alone, even if you feel like it. There’s thousands of us in the US, of various ages, and probably millions more the world over. (It’s popular in Asian countries for the elderly parents to live at home.)  I encourage you to have an outlet. Forums, support groups, chat rooms, it’s all out there. I don’t do forums anymore for the most part, but I enjoy a good twitter rant or just a good cry. And, of course, I believe in prayer and recommend it. 

My mom is 65. She used to be a nurses assistant. She liked British sitcoms, music, movies, loved reading, animals and spending time with my dad and family.

I’m almost 36. I’ve been taking care of her since I was 22. I like anime, drawing, reading, and lots of other stuff.  I’m strong and you are too. Rely on others, take breaks, connect with your charge the best you can and you’ll get through this. 

Avatar is from:  https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/set-card-people-various-occupations-take-photo-id-cartoon-character-isolated-flat-illustration_13330845.htm

[velcro-rave]

post-emoji movie Trauma

WARNING: the following text contains spoilers and can be considered disturbing to some readers. especially my brain, because it’s leaking out my ears after typing this.

This is the first movie ever I’ve gone to see on opening night. And let me just say that, for the record, I’m glad I went to watch with friends. Without them, I would have most likely calmly exited the room, climbed up to the roof, and dived straight off.

I’m honestly fucking terrified of how much this shitty movie has pushed me to the edge. I’ve never felt more ANGRY in my life and at the same time wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. This is so fucked up. What made it possible for this level of psychological warfare to be used so casually by Sony? Why did they decide this was ever a good idea to present to the public? I’m still shaking (and not from the overpriced Coca-Cola I was sold). Whether it’s out of rage or fear, I don’t know. Not even throwing myself into the deep fires of hell can attempt to restore the intrinsic warmth I felt before I witnessed this crime of a movie. They say that there’s a special place reserved below for people who cause enough pain to humanity, and it is at this point where I pose this question to the following:

Tony Leondis. Eric Siegel. Mike White. Michelle Raimo Kouyate.

Why?

Did you want this to happen to me? Was this the plan all along? To destroy everything you could possibly love in the process of creating this film, to make the audience suffer without any remorse? You got PATRICK FUCKING STEWART as a voice actor, and what is it you do?

Yeah, you make him play A WALKING PILE OF SHIT!!!!

Someone could’ve ran up to me after I left the theater, put a shotgun directly up to my forehead, pulled the trigger, and that would have still not come close to how much my mind had been blown at the shocking reality that this movie, this spawn, could exist in the known universe and continue to be shown to innocent people. There were kids there. Hopeful, happy, young kids with iPhones who thought it was a great idea to head off to the movies and watch a funny relatable movie about emojis without a care in the world. Communicating ideas without the use of words is the “staple” of their generation, as the movie so proudly portrays (even comparing it to ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics!), and there’s no reason a family shouldn’t agree to bring their children to this beautiful, heartwarming adventure, right? WRONG.

Nothing could have prepared me for the horrific amount of groan-worthy jokes this movie tossed out. I’ve been wracking my brain for an entire hour trying to remember the most potent ones, but they were so easily forgettable that I can only recall a few offhand. They were tragic. Whenever an opportunity for a shitty pun showed itself, you can bet your ass the writers took it and ran with it to lengths beyond the realms of humor. From the character known as Hi-5′s nonchalant Bye Felicia! to his two puns about snapping (as if one wasn’t enough), I wanted to get up and scream at the ceiling in the hopes that my cries of agony would disrupt the structural integrity of the building and have it fall on top of me, finally freeing me from the slow-cooker of torture that is The Emoji Movie.

At a certain point, Hi-5 (by the way James Corden, I thought you were cool. I thought you were here for us, for all of us as an entertainer, but you just had to take part in ruining me and the world as we know it by accepting this role. I will never forgive you.) mentions something about his heart beating. His… heart? This walking, talking hand has a heart? Does he have lungs? What other internal organs could fit in there and be capable of being slapped around constantly as a result of his stupid ass decisions? Why doesn’t he have arms like Gene or Jailbreak, does his body somehow take into account that he’s already a living appendage? This movie is making me sit and contemplate the anatomy of a fucking animated HAND, and that’s not even as preposterous as a thought can get while watching.

On multiple occasions throughout my viewing experience, I had to take a break to just lean back and sigh, both in anguish of what was happening onscreen as well as the sheer exhausting aspect of it all. The voice acting couldn’t have been more unreliable. Every other line it was a gamble between it being a poorly executed pun delivered so flatly that not even the 4-year old up front let out a little giggle, an obvious statement about what they’re planning to do next, or the most unremarkable snippet of backstory ever revealed. I’m sure all those scenes between Gene and Jailbreak where they gaze at each other were meant to be construed as romantic, but her blasé response to each of his approaches because she “isn’t some princess waiting for her prince” or how “women are deserving of more respect” completely knocked the mood off whatever pedestal it was stepping up to. I get it, these are actual important themes that need to be recognized, and I would be more than happy to see this acknowledged in a movie built on as many metaphors as Zootopia, but the timing of her commentary was the worst I’d ever seen. The constant interruptions made it seem like her words shouldn’t be taken seriously at all!

Unsurprisingly, character background was virtually (unintentional pun. I’m incredibly sorry.) nonexistent, and everything that’s possible to be wondered about the universe could pretty much be answered with a big shrug. For example, why does Hi-5 have a band-aid? Did he get stabbed or something? When did Gene begin to show signs that he was capable of other emotions? Was the Just Dance girl deleted after the trash bin emptied itself out? We didn’t see any signs of the characters going back for her after Hi-5 had to shake off the troll, so did they just leave her there to die? If Jailbreak had been working for a long time to get out, why didn’t she use more of her hacking skills? She pulled up her hologram window things maybe three times total to escape or hide somewhere, does she seriously not have anything else in her repertoire that could potentially help Gene and Hi-5 get to where they need to be quicker? There’s so many questions that don’t even get passively explained. Then again, I’m arguing against the same people who genuinely advocated for the setting to be called Textopolis.

AND WHOSE FUCKING IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTER “MEH”??

The ONE emoji with zero interesting qualities and the most monotone parents that, for some fucking batshit insane reason, were given more than the minute of screentime they deserved. I understand for a quick gag, their emotionless response to everything could be funny, but their conversations would just stretch on and on and on. As for Gene, I trusted you, T.J. Miller. I can’t believe you betrayed me, especially after such a hilariously perfect role in Deadpool. Never in my life have I felt so disappointed in a single person. There is no justifiable reason for you to be proud of what you’ve done here. To be honest, I’m pretty sure I astral projected at least three times as I struggled to repress the memory of this trainwreck before it even ended. When I wasn’t desperately clawing at the armrests mid-convulsion, I was staring vacantly at the center of the screen, wondering how this week could have gone so wrong.

This was basically a 91-minute long advertisement. The whiplash of traveling between product placement to product placement nearly made me throw up, which was ostensibly the only thing that could’ve made this worse. Dropbox, Spotify, Candy Crush, Just Dance, YouTube, Facebook, and the almighty Twitter, I hope you’re happy with what you’ve wrought. The “emoji-pop” dance assaulted my eyes so suddenly, acting as the unnecessary cherry on top of the feel-good ending; I think that’s when I officially lost all hope in enjoying the rest of my night.

It’s honestly taking every ounce of my being to hold onto the little bit of life that I have after the Emoji Movie ripped my soul to shreds. The amount of violation I felt as my ears were subjected to endless pop culture references that were relevant years ago, nightmarish depictions of the content of each app on Alex’s phone, and the fact that the god damn Eggplant was in the Unused Emojis room when everyone knows that’s not the case is indescribable. I now have to live with the fact that every time I switch keyboards on my phone, those blank yellow faces will serve as a dark reminder of what I’ve gone through. To any of you reading this that have also watched The Emoji Movie, I am so sorry. I know how difficult it is to process. My recommendation to each and every one of you who haven’t had the chance to witness this sickening spectacle is to KEEP IT THAT WAY. Don’t give in to the peer pressure; this abomination parading itself around as an endearing motion picture will wholly and truly rattle you to the core. My only solace was the complete absence of dabbing or whipping (apart from hearing the song), and I’d like to thank every deity above and below for that small act of mercy.

Here’s to you, Sony. Thanks for ensuring that I not only sink deeper into my depression, but for forcing my mind to house the images I’ve seen today for as long as I live. I wish I could physically bring myself to chuck my phone in a garbage fire, but my entire body has gone numb. Here’s to you, and to all the writers, producers, and directors of this movie that made me sit in a corner pondering how I can possibly live in a future where this monstrosity exists.

Gravely, sincerely,

fuck you, and goodnight.

🖕

[littlellamalittlelion]

My Little Baby Llama - Part 12

N/A: I’m sorry it took too long. I’ve just graduated and I was trying to get into grad school, what I did, and now I have a couple of weeks to dedicate to my writing and the phandom again! I’ve missed you guys. 

For those of you that might be a bit confused, this fic is happening around the end of January/2016. Before the tour dates release.

Words: 3000+

Disclaimer: Nor Dan or Phil belongs to me, and while I wish I had a Lizzie in real life, I do not have one either.

Masterpost

Phil's POV

No, no, no. This can't be happening on the only day that Dan is alone in the house with Lizzie. The only day that I'm not there to help, to secure him that everything is going to be okay and that he doesn't need to panic. I'm panicking. I need to go home and there is no train that leaves now. I need a car but I haven't been driving for the past 10 years. I call my mom for help and she joins me in the room, trying to calm me down.

"Have you tried calling him?" She asks.

"Yes! He is not answering his phone or the house line. I have to go back home." I start packing my things and run around the room. My mom holds me in place and tries to calm me down.

"How do you plan on going home? There are no trains leaving now. It's past 11pm Phil, you should try to sleep and wait until the morning. It's your birthday in just a few minutes, we can celebrate tonight and in the morning you catch the first train."

"Mom, I'm sorry but I don't feel like celebrating tonight, okay? I just wanna go home and make sure Danny is okay." I don't want to sound rude, so I give her a little smile and continue packing. I have an idea. "Can you call Martyn for me please? Probably he is still awake. I'll see if he can drive me back to London tonight."

"I'm ready. Cornelia is finishing grabbing her stuff. We just saw it all over twitter, there is no way we would let Dan pass thru this alone." Martyn said joining us in the room. "I'll load your bags in the car if you are done packing. Try calling Dan again, or anyone that could get there before us. I don’t think he should be alone for the hours we’ll take to get there.” He grabbed my bags and left the room before I could thank him or say anything else. I tried calling Dan again, no answer. I trow the phone on the bed.

“I should go with you then. To check on Lizzie, make sure my boys will be okay.” Mom said, holding my arm.

"No mom. Dan is probably going crazy right now. The last thing he needs is a crowded house and people around him. He needs space and time, and he needs not to be worried about anything right now so he can figure out what to do next." I try to explain without being rude.

"How do you know so well what he needs?"

"We've been living together for years, we've been friends for way longer than that. Dan and I, we have a deep connection. Trust me mom, I know what he needs right now, and it's me back in our home, taking care of our little girl, while he takes a time for himself." I turn to leave the room, but I go back to hug her. "I'm sorry this messed up our family weekend and the birthday party you were throwing me. I love you mom, I'll call once we figure things out." I leave and Martyn meets us downstairs. Everything is happening too fast, I almost forget to say goodbye to my father before getting into the car and driving out of the garage. Just hang in there Dan, I'm coming.

Dan's POV

For those of you who have never passed out in your life before, I have something to tell you. Different from what some of you may think, when you pass out, your vision doesn't just get dark, like closing your eyes. When you pass out you feel your head getting lighter, and you start to see little glittery and blackish spots appearing all around you, and when they multiply enough they just cover your whole vision. Also, there are a few levels of how passed out you can be too. You might completely blackout. You can just go off for a few seconds and come back. Or you can loose all of your vision, loose your sense of life, but still be able to hear things around you, as if you were underwater. As scary as the first two might sound, nothing is worse than this last one. You can hear life passing around you, but you just aren't able to be a part of it. You can't speak to tell people that you are okay, but you can hear their despair and the things that are happening. It feels like you are a blind ghost. You can’t see shit, you can’t interact, but you are scaring people around. This is how I felt at the moment I realized that everyone knew about Lizzie, but I was a lonely ghost, with no one around to be afraid or worried about me.

My brain tries to find something to hold on to, but all I can find is the memories from Clary's funeral. I need someone to wake me up and tell me that things will be alright, I need Phil. I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, I hear the house line going insane, but I'm floating in darkness, with nothing I can do to turn the lights on. And then I blackout.

"Daddy! Wake up daddy I'm scared!" I hear a little voice far away in my brain, crying. I start to feel things. First I feel Lizzie's cold little hands in my face. I focus in my arms, to regain control of them so I can hold her. I open my eyes, and in a few seconds I'm able to see again. Light is coming back to me, as all of my senses are. I know Lizzie is crying when I feel the tears in my shirt. I get up as fast as my body allows me, and I hold her tight. "I... I thought you went to live in heaven with mommy." Cried my four years old, holding her little hands in my shirt.

"No baby llama, of course not! I told you that I'm not going to leave you anytime soon." I try holding my tears, until she calms down. My phone starts ringing again, but I don’t feel like answering it. All that I can think about is where in the world I could run to, that people wouldn’t bother us, where Lizzie could grow up as a normal child, with no fans around to destroy her childhood. Maybe Alaska. Or Greenland. I should pack some winter clothes.

“Your phone is ringing daddy.” Lizzie says after the fourth time - in 2 minutes - that my phone started buzzing. I think about telling her that I give no fucks for my phone right now, but I decide not to do that. And then I remember: Phil. Phil isn’t home. Phil might have seen what happened, I need to talk to Phil.

I grab the cellphone in my pocket, and I have tons of missed calls, most of them from the one and only Phil Lester. I’m typing his number to call him back, and the phone buzzes again, his picture in my screen.

“Phil.” I answer. My voice breaks in the minute I hear his breathing, and then I’m crying. I’m crying everything that I haven’t since the picture leaked. I try to hear him, but I can’t hear a single thing over my sobbing. I know that Lizzie is still holding on to me, sat on the floor by my side, but I can’t hear her either. It takes me a few minutes before I’m calm enough to talk.

“I’m so sorry Dan. I’m really sorry. I wish I was there. Martyn is taking me home, I’ll be there soon enough.” He is saying, and I try to focus on it. “Don’t go online. Don’t take any other phone calls, don’t try to fix it. We will work things out together.” He is trying to take the control, so I don’t feel overwhelmed. But I’ve made my mind already.

“I think I’ll move to Greenland.” I say, and he is quiet on the other side of the line. “You don’t need to come. I know you don’t want to move far from your family, but I need to take Lizzie out of this madness. We will live in a cabin and she will grow up with polar bears. Safer than the fans.” I  burst out. He is speechless. Lizzie is holding me tight, just paying attention on what I’m saying, almost sleeping.

“Dan, I think we can talk about that once I get home, okay? No rushed decisions, we will discuss everything we can do, and after that if you still want to move to Greenland, we will discuss the moving plans. But don’t go around packing bags.” He is calmer than I think it is possible for someone to be in this situation.

“You don’t understand Phil. She can’t go to school here, there will always be one or two people that won’t respect our wishes and will follow her to her class. There will be phans trying to work at her school to be around her without saying that this is what they are doing. There will be phans trying to find out her entire past and phans making shifts around Clary’s grave waiting the day that we will visit her. They don’t know the meaning of the word “limits”. There will be no peace. I can’t make her grow up in this madness.” I make a pause and then I continue making my case. “We are used to bumping into fans in the streets that claims that they were just “passing thru the neighborhood” but we both know that they have being walking in circles around our block just to meet us once we leave the flat. We are used to screams, we are used to privacy invasion. We are used to pretend that we don’t care about what they say about us. But I don’t want Lizzie to get used to any of this.”

“I do understand Dan, and I agree with you, I don’t think that she should grow up in any of these situations. But Greenland is a bit excessive. We can think of better solutions, Martyn is saying that he can help us with that if we need. We can move flats, we will find something. Please don’t go to extremes right now.” He is worried about me. He doesn’t understand.

“We can talk when you get home.” I cut the conversation, because I don’t wanna fight him. “How long until you get here?”

“Two hours, maybe a bit more, Martyn isn’t running that much, now that you answered the phone.”

“Please be careful.” I ask, and he knows what I mean. I don’t think I can deal with another accident in my life time.

“Don’t worry, Martyn is a great driver. I’ll be home safe in a while.”

“Please do. I don’t wanna be alone right now.” I open my heart to him. I’m not alone, since Lizzie is sleeping in my arms, but I need him, and he gets it, he knows it.

“You won’t. You should go take a bath. Have you eaten anything in the past 4 hours?” I deny with my head, even though he cant see it, figures it out by my silence. “Go make us some really late diner, to take your head out of things, I’m hungry and technically it’s my birthday already, so I deserve some homemade food.”

“Happy Birthday Phil.” I say, trying to sound excited, but I’m not that good of an actor. He can see that too.

“It won’t be a happy day until I know that we all are gonna be fine.” He answers, but he thanked me anyway. “I’ll turn the phone off, so you can take a relaxing bath and start diner. I’ll be there before you can say “diner is ready”.” He laughs, taking a smile from me.

“See you soon.”

“I want cake.” Thats all he says before turning the phone off. I have a sleepy Lizzie in my arms, sat on the floor, and I have no idea of what to cook or if I have enough things to make a cake. I make a schedule in my brain, trying to fit everything into three hours. First I’ll put my daughter back on our bed, than I’ll make the cake, and while it bakes I’ll take a bath. Then I’ll start diner, maybe a salad and some grilled chicken. If I’m correct, I’ll have just enough time to finish everything and decorate the cake, so we can have a 4am diner. Late diner it is.

I start my plan, leaving Lizzie with the bedroom door open, and I move to the kitchen with my computer so I can youtube search a cake recipe. It isn’t until, I start grilling the chicken, after the whole bath and cake thing, that I notice what Phil had done. He took my mind completely out of the crazy mess it was. That son of a bitch.  

Phil’s POV

“I’ll call you later, okay? I’ll let you know what the plan is once we figure it out. I have to go.” I tell Martyn before leaving his car and sprinting to my flat.

The stairs never felt so high in my life. I ran over them, expecting to find a existencial crisis Dan, in the middle of the hall. But what I found was as far from that as possible. Daniel James Howell was dancing around the kitchen, decorating a birthday cake, at 3am. He didn’t notice my presence until he turned around and saw me standing in front of the kitchen door. We didn’t say a thing, we just stared at each other, happy to be finally together to stand against all the things trying to destroy our little family.

The grill biped making us both jump. Dan laughed, turned around to get us whatever he was cooking, and placed on the counter.

“Dinner is ready.” He said.

“Told ya i would be here before you could say that.”

“Well, I could have said it earlier, I just waited for you.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t, I just baked you a birthday cake from things I’ve found around the kitchen. You love me.”

“Since you’ve started in this subject, am I gonna get a birthday hug or you are going to continue there starring at me? You know, I’ve just skipped my birthday party for you, I should at least get a hug.”

Dan walked in my direction and placed his arms around my body. I knew this was supposed to be my birthday hug, but it didn’t feel like that. I confirmed that as I felt his tears making a wet spot in my shoulder. He didn’t deserve that. All the worries, all the craziness. He always gave all of him to make sure everything was fine, there’s no way that he was one to deserve all the problems he was dealing with right now. I wanted to put him in a little jar and keep him safe from all the world problems.

“I’ve decided what I wanna do.” Dan said, after a few minutes.

“And what are we going to do?”

“We are going to run away to Brazil.”

“We’ve been over this already. Greenland, Brazil, Madagascar, this is all a bit excessive. We can deal with things without having to move to another time zone.”

“Where did Madagascar come from?” He left my embrace to look at my face.

“Well, Brazil isn’t a good idea, too much people. If you want a tropical remote place, we should move to Madagascar. But that’s not the point. We are not moving. We shouldn’t have to run away and change our whole lives because some people don’t know the meaning of ‘privacy’.” I let him go, and start making a plate with the diner he prepared for us. “We’ll have diner, I’ll take a shower, we’ll go to bed and sleep, and in the morning, we will decide what to do. If you wanna leave London a bit, to get some clean thoughts and try to run away from social media, great. We will find a place in the UK to go, because Lizzie still doesn’t have a passport. But we are not going to rush things, okay?”

“Okay.” He agrees with me, grabbing a serving of the grilled chicken too. “Can we watch some Attack on Titan while we eat? I need some blood and destruction to get my head out of things.”

“Go put it on, I’ll put my bag in my room and I’ll be right back.” I leave my plate on the table in the lounge, put my things in my room, and check on Lizzie, before going back to Dan in the sofa, waiting for me. “Just one episode because it is really late already, and I do need some sleep.”

“You’re gonna watch one. I’ll need at least two more to fill in the time you are gonna be in the shower for.” He teases me.

“I’m too tired to stay there for more than 5 minutes. I wouldn’t take a shower if I wasn’t really needing one.”

We eat, finish the episode, and I go take a shower while Dan stays in his sofa crease, watch more Attack on Titan. I only take 15 minutes in the shower, but I decide to do the dishes before returning to Dan. It’s almost 5am when we move to my bed and decide to lay down.

“How’s Lizzie doing?” I ask, trying to make some conversation.

“She’s fine. I don’t think she has any idea of the shitstorm happening right now. I wish I could keep her like that forever.” I take a few minutes thinking, before saying what is actually going on in my mind. We are laying down facing each other, and he is so much calmer than he was before, so I think it’s a good time to raise my hypothesis in all of this mess.

“Have you ever considered the fact that this isn’t a big deal at all?”

“What?” He sits on the bed.

“Please don’t freak out. Just think about it for a second. How much easier it’s going to be your life now. We can go out with Lizzie without worrying about anyone finding out about her. She won’t have a normal life, but being locked in a house isn’t a normal life either. Once all this fire extinguishes, no one will care about who she is and why she is here. I think we should just come out and tell them your story, and everything will be alright eventually.” I try to reason with him, but it doesn’t go well.

“I can’t even believe that you are saying that. I…. Goodnight Phil.” Dan got out of the bed, and left the room, smashing the door closed. Well, I think I fucked up.

Part 13 

[a-reocurring-dream]

This is NOT okay.

So, earlier I said that I would write about the “UNCOUNTABLE loose ends” in this episode. But I do not only want to write about that; I want to get those shitty doubtful thoughts out of my system, too, because I’m aware that they are WRONG. Because Moftiss did it wrong. And we don’t and never have.

Yesterday evening truly devastated and traumatised me. I’m not joking here - I still feel like reality comes crashing down on me. And I’m aware that you all out there reading this post might feel the same. It’s a shame how things turned out. And there are countless reasons for that.

THE FINAL PROBLEM

Where should I begin this? It’s painful thinking about it, but well, it is what it is, here we go.

At first, I want to talk about the time before the BFI screening:

Moftiss repeatedly stated over all the years that this show wouldn’t be about the cases but the relationship between Sherlock and John.

Everybody involved in the show promised this to be the best episode so far. And we believed them.

They protected it from spoilers vehemently (a promo picture was even removed from many blogs by the use of lawyers), so The Final Problem was the episode we knew least of.

They said that it would be “groundbreaking”, it would “write television history”, it would be “beautiful”, a massive “rug-pull”, “insane wish fulfillment”, “something that’s never been done before” and many other things.

Benedict said at Comic Con, “Love conquers all.”

Amanda even promised us a kiss via Twitter-emoji-hints.

Mary died in The Six Thatchers and The Lying Detective was all about reuniting John and Sherlock.

Arwel still tweeted elephants after The Lying Detective.

What else would we think but that The Final Problem would be about Johnlock?

Then, there was the BFI screening without NDAs and a lot of other weird things happened: The episode was leaked by Russia and Turkey within less than a day and the people involved with Sherlock twittered about it - “please, do not share #KeepMeSpoilerFree”. No lawyers at all. It felt so ridiculous. I didn’t watch this episode, because everyone said that it would be as absurd as the fact that it was leaked twice WITHIN ONE GODDAMN DAY - Clue-theory was swirring around. Nearly everyone was convinced that the leaked episodes and the one of BFI were fake. I mean, under given circumstances, who would not?

Nobody would stay that calm and be that careless with their “best” episode after being so protective about it, if there was no plan going on under the surface. Nobody would just go and say, “Oh, well, what bad luck! But hey, c’est la vie. Let’s inform all our followers about it and ask them not to share that information we just shared with THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.” Nobody would say, “Just some days left, fuck the final sprint of keeping secrets now, it doesn’t matter anymore, does it, I don’t mind all the effort we took to create this season - oh, yes, and all the previous ones, too, sure. Even though that is ‘everything we’ve been building up for for the last seven years’.”

Oh, you’re telling me that this is exactly what happened? Oh, okay. I see. All plausible. Wait, WHAT?! olaenwoywehdaejf

I wanted to believe in Clue-theory so deeply. I still do. I still want to believe that our Dads are so clever. I want to believe that they love us as much we do(/did).

And then, yesterday’s episode aired. And it was already the first scene that told me that the next one and a half hours would be horrible and hurtful. Honestly, the first half hour I repeatedly felt the urge to cry, as I was forced to watch what the creators did to our beloved characters and show. When they brought in Oscar Wilde, I almost bursted out into tears. And everything was like a cheap joke, a not-so-scary version of Saw and The Ring. NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING really reached me emotionally, not even the reveal of Redbeard actually being Sherlock’s childhood best friend who was killed by Eurus. I was so caught up in the shitty, teary feeling that they messed up the whole series. And the ending ... the ending literally tore my emotional life apart. Why is Sherlock visiting Eurus to save her twisted psychopathic psych? Why the fuck are they are playing a violin duett? Why are Mycroft and his parents there, watching like it was a redeeming moment? Why does the coded blackboard say that they trolled us? What do they mean by that? And why does Mary say that it does not matter who Sherlock and John really are, that all that matters is the legend, the cases, the adventures?

Everything in there is ridiculous and unreasonable. I don’t know where to begin. It’s better I leave it like that and point out some of the highlights:

Mycroft’s umbrella is actually a gun disguised as a sword.

John Locke cried blood red tears. (Me, too.)

Mycroft and Moriarty were in contact. Mycroft invited Moriarty to Sherrinford in order to give Eurus her ... Christmas present - five unsupervised minutes with Moriarty. Moriarty and Eurus planned everything on from The Reichenbach Fall - predicted everything, FIVE YEARS. Within FIVE MINUTES. (Didn’t see that coming.) They even predicted that Sherlock would choose to shoot Mycroft. No more words needed.

The Three Garridebs were just adapted for the sake of ... their names?

Eurus forces Sherlock to call Molly and make her confess her love for him. Molly refuses, saying Sherlock has to say it first. Sherlock says it - that’s what we get to see in the trailer #2. Why. Just why. I don’t ship Sherlolly, but even my heart was broken by that scene. Sherlock freaked out after that and so did I.

John was put in a well by Eurus and chained to the ground - but he could climb up a ladder as soon as it was put there.

Eurus was the fake girl on the fake plane. Btw, that girl was played by the same actress that has already taken part in A Scandal In Belgravia.

Sherlock “has always been the grown-up”?

Sherlock ... “forgives” Eurus? He ... “feels responsible” for her now?

A MESSAGE TO EVERYONE WHO’S IN NEED

Either Moftiss trolled us all along, being the worst LGBT+ supportive, queerbaiting sadists in tv history, or they’ve fallen victim to the success of their show, the heteronormativity, as Mary’s “Missed You”-message implies.

Either way, all that matters now is: We weren’t wrong. We believed in something. And as for me, I still do. I won’t stop that. Because this whole episode was created by heteronormativity. This is not the show, not the characters we’ve known and analysed for years now. And I think Moftiss are secretly aware of that, too. What I’m trying to say is: The Lying Detective even confirmed the drink code, the romance. That was so much. Nobody can take these triumphs from us. And TFP shouldn’t ruin the smart revolution we have built up with our knowledge, our minds, our beautiful and clever community.

I especially want to thank:

@quietlyprim: Thank you for your remarkable videos and sharing your belief with us. <3 You’re charming and beautiful.

@loudest-subtext-in-tv: You’re brilliant, your points are mind-blowing. <3 Never stop analysing and writing meta.

And @ all the others, TJLC and Johnlock-believers out there who may be reading this post: Never despair; you deserve so much better. Keep what this community gave to you - a family, revelations, emotional journeys, brain-stormings and so much more. I love you all. You can all be so proud of ourselves.

[hanzi83]

Maybe the Last Blog Wasn’t My Last Blog Maybe it is this One

I know the last blog I wrote I was worried this might be the end of me. I feel like they have tried to prompt me into going insane, especially over the last month since they know I have not written, even in my personal journal, to get the plethora of thoughts off my chest, but I have used periscope to connect and try to meet different characters who have been interesting. There is an assortment of entertainment there, whether it is sex workers trying to get people to go to their premium snap chat or discussions about politics, religion, or just jokers roasting each other. It has been cool, and kind of frustrating. I find it fascinating since my name on there is the spoof name of the late Dusty Rhodes, Dusty Loads, so there are actually people on there that don’t know me as Hanzi or Imran Khan, they know me as Dusty. I have procrastinated from writing down my thoughts and frustrations and even testing this out to see if different people in my life are monitoring this and I say a bunch of vile shit to see how much people are actually monitoring me and also some thoughts are genuine jokes and genuine feelings at the time naturally, but it just felt weird that I have not written anything, and it feels like I am programmed not to even care anymore about it.

It has been tough over the last several weeks because recently there was a tape of  Howard Stern that was leaked out of him implanting his 2013 revolution plan, where it is him having a poorly spelled power point presentation, where he asks his underpaid staff to book A List guests since they are becoming more irrelevant, and people have pinpointed that I am kind of vindicated because he does encourage his staff to create fake twitter accounts to bombard celebrities to get them on the show, and even though he has vehemently denied ever knowing how to use troll accounts or would even direct people to do that kind of thing,  it proves the opposite of what he claimed, even though it did not prove that he has trolls to harass the whack pack so it keeps them in line, so no I have not been vindicated. I am not doing the summary justice, there are plethora of podcasts and forums that have dissected this a lot better than I have. My main point of bringing this to light on this blog, is that since more shadiness has been leaked out, the trolls have been acting a lot more aggressive, and are claiming there is footage of me being gay or me beating up a gay couple, or even spreading more vicious lies about me, and continuously making more accounts and get completely triggered because I bring on black guests onto my periscope.

It becomes so frustrating because I try to meet new people, and since I focus on the guests more, it angers these trolls because I am not paying attention to the comments as much so they amplified their trolling to a next level. I am sure these people have a way of fucking with technology to frame me for something, because the people harassing me are high level types of people who have teams to fuck with people, and it has been proven in the past with how these gang stalkers have tried to find ways to destroy a person’s psyche.

First of all this leak to me, feels like something purposely leaked because Stern knows he is the villain now, and the psyche out moment of this is, it was meant to make it seem like he is going to become a PC guy like it was the sell out moment, when his entire career has been a sellout moment, but it was just over 20 years ago he probably had the same kind of meeting to organize how to make it seem like they are edgy and normalize the negative shit he did in the culture, so either it represents that he still is a right wing guy who had a meeting on how he is going more PC, which would make his right wing fan base hate him more, because when the meeting had a point where he said he wants more gay guests, and has on the screen “Homophobic audience” and how to convert them, I mean it was his show who for decades normalized treating gay people like they were giant perverts and call people the F word all the time. I wonder where your audience would become homophobic from, and it is gross generalization and then asking your gay employee to get a trans guest, or blaming your staff for the hallway design like they are responsible for that. It felt like he was positioning this as if they don’t succeed they will be fired or demoted, and considering how many people were let go since that meeting, I can safely assume that they did not complete their tasks.

I personally believe this was meant to come out and that he knew his career is at its end so now he has to embrace being the villain, even know the starting phase of it is that he has gone more corporate and correlate it with him being a liberal, even though he is not a liberal. I mean he could actually be a real liberal, but the presentation he is putting on right now is supposed to be a neoliberal and he will be exposed as being right wing because he and his ilk have to be the bad guys and phonies now, and it seems like the way of the storyline is, that having people who were leaning right before suddenly becoming “liberal” and then people thinking  that this is where they sold out, so you isolate your right leaning fan base, and then the liberal ones will turn on you when they find out what your past is and when it is convenient to get mad at that then they will. I still suspend he will be exposed as a Trump advocate, but anything I have said on here I cannot confirm in any way because it is just merely speculation from a guy who has brain worms.

It feels like the more that comes out though, the more the trolls will try to fuck with me, and try to get me to declare happiness like the Hanzi83 sub reddit got shut down and people asking me if I got it shut down, other than posting on reddit’s facebook page that this page is dedicated to harass me, I don’t think it was my doing and I personally think they shut it down on its own and wanted me to gloat about it, and then they wanted me to gloat about Howard’s leaks, and as humorous as this shit sounded to me, I know this is not a victory for me. Trust me, there is no victory for me in this. I have lost everything.

I have lost my friendships and relationships. I have been excluded and used by everyone because I can’t get over how much systemic power people in my life have been given and have had to report back to the powers that be what my mind frame is like etc and this chase for fame has done so much harm, because I want to use it for good and try to be more responsible but since that is seen as nerd SJW bullshit, people gravitate towards the counter culture and see that as edgy, and the more I speak out on the white supremacist system, and how much ignorance I bought into, it has triggered these trolls and they insist I hate on white people, because I might have ignorant people on my scope who might be black, and if people do say something ignorant, I try to have a discussion because I want to gage it if it is harmful or is it just someone talking shit and how can we get them to see how they can evolve, and yes I will admit I try to give people of color the benefit of the doubt and maybe I might be harsher on white people, but these same white people I am harsher on are the ones always dropping the N word or the F word all the fucking time, and spew right wing shit and then act like they are victims. Maybe because as a person of color I used to think ignorantly and people in my life did not give up on me but would try to get me to evolve and I would even push back because I bought into counter culture, I think sometimes depending on the propaganda people take in, and how much minorities go through, I feel like there is hope to change their mind and see something more in a evolved way. That also goes for white people, but some of these people who show up on my social media are always trying to showcase what kind of assholes they are and instill paranoia and try to prompt me to threaten them so I can get banned.

It is clear these social media sites answer to people who are more powerful so they allow the constant harassment and name calling against me but if I dare fight back and say something fucked up, then I can get suspended because people are upset with me and mad they could not use me further, so now their crews will now try to report me for anything slight thing. I should get off social media, but it feels like the only place I can make some human connection has been on watching other people’s periscope because people in my life have moved on to better things and I will never get over all the shit I missed and how much secrecy and infighting there has been, and it feels I will never be close with them ever again. I am sure I will not be friends with these people on periscope for long but it does feel good momentarily to actually have good conversation with people, even if they don’t agree with me. I have met some very beautiful woman on there as well and it has been cool to chat with some of them, and of course some of the worst kinds of Trump people are on there, and I even try to gage how far they have gone down the right wing rabbit hole and maybe there is saving them to some extent but I don’t think there is, some of these people from 4chan think it is in their right to be racist and call people the n word, and when there is someone who woman who you think is cool, aligning with someone like that, it is kind of disturbing to me. They will make it seem like “You can’t handle other people’s opinion” when it is not even that, you don’t think those people’s opinion hasn’t been the norm for so many fucking decades? I love how these people think their view is some new profound way of thinking like they are standing up to it all, while people who have

 genuine concern about social issues are the ones who are snowflakes.

So it feels like these people are angered and threatened about that. I found the harassment go up even more because I was not against ANTIFA and presented that there could be agent provocateurs in the mix to make the group look bad, and the fact that these right wing types have in them to use the same talking points and then move the goalposts and then continue to pathologically lie and have no shame about it, and make it seem like you are the one who supports radicalization while being pro cop and pro military and justify why people are locked up or bombed, and that is not seen as radical whatsoever, but for someone like me, who is irrelevant and can’t let go of his 15 minutes of fame, these people are still pissed I dare try to get on my periscope to talk about stuff and hate that they were not able to get me to kill myself.

It feels like since I have even suggested that if Howard is really a Trump supporter, maybe he might be tied into the Epstein shit, but it feels like this Epstein shit is designed more to get at Trump’s enemies, even though people know they have been associated in the past etc, so this new notion to deny Trump has any involvement with Epstein is really scary too, because the more evident it seems to become Trump is evil, it feels like his supporters and the trolls won’t care. The paid trolls will never stop with me and every day I feel closer to wanting to end it because of how much they hack my shit and make it known they are watching me and even hint they are driving to my house to do something to me, I have no idea when these people will strike down, but I feel I need to write this blog and since I am out of practice of writing down any thoughts, I know this blog was not the best one, but I had to have a last one if this is truly the end for me.

You know with SummerSlam festivities happening and how much I am not included in any plans I know around that time, I will irrationally lose my mind and act like a fucking pussy having a fucking powwow about it and then declaring I am not going to watch, and maybe I shouldn’t. The company is corrupt but the people who work there I am fans of and even the alternatives to the WWE are not 100 percent pure and have their own shadiness and at what point do I keep giving into this shit, but then everything else I use or watch has been dipped in evil, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? This is fucking frustrating and I wish I was never born in this poisonous world. I just know how my manic meltdown patterns and I know it will just get worse since I have not expressed myself properly in the last month or so.