#but rn we need to take a break so you get to unpack whatever we have so far if you want

[venus-is-thinking]

So the David MV huh

We're still figuring out all of our theory-based thoughts, but...

accirax and I made this huge notes document with our thoughts throughout the MV. It's still a work in progress and we'll have some bigger theories coming out of it as a result, but please please please feel free to read and tell us your thoughts!!

[theinfinitedivides]

totally obsessed with king the land and i need to rant about it somewhere and i figured this would be a fun place because i love your takes and can i start off by saying i've haven't seen someone as down bad as gu won in a really long while. to think he realized his feelings because he took a quiz a few weeks back and look at where he is now, confessing his love on a rooftop to the woman he falls in love with more and more every second.

ep 10 was honestly one of the most fulfilling romantic escape episodes i've ever seen in a show, like the locations were stunning, the chemistry was chemistrying like crazy and god the way won looks at sarang? the way he smiles so wholeheartedly? it's like she helped him rediscover what happiness and love feels like.

one thing i really loved from the earlier eps is how won always gives in and tries new things with sarang and realizes how much he enjoys it. also, the way sarang's grandma is such an important figure to both sarang and won now makes me so happy. i love how won takes all of her advice to heart and actually works on his communication.

i also absolutely loved how this week's eps focused on them just being in love and enjoying their dating era, the quality time and the constant need to touch each other and express their affection is something so precious. can't wait to see what's in store for them in the weeks to come. 🥹

i cannot tell you how honored i am to be the recipient of this little love letter to KTL bc you!!!! you get it anon!!!! i'm going to be addressing some of your points but i should warn you that it will be all over the place so i hope that doesn't confuse you once you get around to reading this sksksksk

first off, i think Won automatically gravitates towards Sa Rang's halmeoni bc in some ways she is that mother figure for him. we still haven't been told exactly what happened to his mother btw, but considering the age gap between him and his half-sister Hwa Ran you would think that after eomma "disappeared" (using that term for now) Hwa Ran would have stepped in. their relationship is so, so f*cked up, however, that she's never actually treated him as her actual sibling (as seen by her dangling the pocketwatch his mother gave him out the window/breaking it by letting it go. he still carries it around, even after all of that.) and so there is no love lost between the two of them. she has always viewed him as a competitor, someone to be wary against in her struggle for their father's company, and even though Halmeoni acts as if he is also one (for Sa Rang's hand) the way they interact says differently. (there's so much to unpack about why that is, namely the way that Gu Il Hoon treats his children and the lessons he's instilled in them, but that's not the point rn and i don't have energy to write that essay today)

so when Hwa Ran tells him not to try anything in terms of the company bc he won't be able to do anything substantial anyway, he listens, bc that fear has been bred into him. he's learned early not to expect anything akin to affection from her, learned that the only reason he's allowed to come so close is bc she knows his weaknesses (ep 3 publicity interview/panic attack anyone?) and uses them to keep him on a leash so he doesn't get in her way and he's tired. he says as much when he tells her '나 싸우고 싶지 않았어' — 'i didn't want to fight' during their convo in the lounge in ep 8 (have some slightly unrelated commentary on that scene here, although in the more recent eps after meeting Sa Rang he has begun to buck against her incessant emotional abuse). but when Halmeoni tells him to do something, he listens, bc he knows, instinctively, that whatever she's telling him is not going to sabotage his relationship with Sa Rang. she's not out to get him, and she does not loathe his entire existence—she is treating him like the grandson she does not have, and she in turn is the mother that he has been deprived of for so long.

(frankly i think the best way to describe Hwa Ran and Won's dynamic with the influence of their father coming into play is uh. 'but business is business! / and business runs in the family' from Amanda Palmer's Runs In the Family. fair warning the video is a bit all over the place and the lyrics may be triggering but i highly recommend listening to the song if you haven't already)

building off of that, i think Sa Rang is also another outlet of love for him that is making up for what he has lacked. the way she and her circle of friends, much like her halmeoni, treat him when he is around (even after a bit of a false start in the first episodes) is in contrast to his sister as well—it's implied, albeit not explicitly, that he has the tendency to attach himself to people other than her once they show him any kind of care (standing up for Sang Sik taking him with him from the internship after Sang Sik tried to help him adjust in case he got in trouble, for instance). he trusts them even if he doesn't say it, since he does not trust her, and in some ways the kind of fear he has around Hwa Ran has been rechanneled into the need to keep his eyes on Sa Rang, bc he is afraid he might lose her. and he does not want to lose her, bc he has loved someone, for once, almost as much as he has loved his mother. and so once he realizes that that is what it is he tries to tell her as much, every chance that he gets, and we get to see that in the touches and glances and the small things that he does, an opening up to her as best he knows how. i spoke more about that here, but one of the best comparisons to their relationship that i can think of (other than Mitski's Come Into the Water and KK's Aankhon Mein Teri that i have already made a post about) is this line from Lee Hae Ri's gorgeous song Maybe that she sang for the OST of Her Private Life ('어쩌면 그게 사랑 일지도 몰라 / 반복되는 일상 / 그 속에 나를 보듬어 준 네가 / 조용히 떨리는 심장이 말해 / 너를 보고 싶다고 말하래' — 'maybe it [this feeling] is love / you who've cared for me in my repetitive everyday life / my quietly trembling heart tells me to say that i miss you'), bc that is just Won telling Sa Rang in the pool in the gloriousness that is ep 10 that he missed seeing her face in so many words and God. God them!!!!! laying face down on the ground and sobbing they're too much for me

despite all of this i know something has to give in the upcoming episodes, though, and while i am not asking for heavy angst (no devastating messy breakup arc i am on my knees begging at this point) i do hope we get to explore more of that kind of dynamic between Sa Rang and Won and get a cathartic moment for him while we're at it. (if you're not going to send him to therapy to address his childhood trauma [possible panic attack trigger i see you in the ep 11 preview] then let the man cry ffs) looking forward to whatever they do as much as you are, anon <333

[fictionfordays]

Good morning, my friends.

I wanted to share a little bit of a life update as I've had a LOT going on. You're welcome to read, or keep scrolling since I'll leave it under the cut!

Be warned: there will be some triggering content such as health problems, mentions of death, food, surgery, mentions of suicide, etc

Please do NOT read if any of those topics are triggering for you!

So, I'll start off by mentioning the positives!

We bought a house! My partner and I have been working very hard to get all moved in while also wrangling an almost 5 year old. I've been doing a lot of unpacking and moving furniture around, trying to get my son to help when he's able to, but needless to say, I need a break lol

As I mentioned my son will be 5 next weekend! And he starts school the following week, which will be soooo nice. Bittersweet. I love the little bugger but I cannot keep up with his energy.

Now for the negatives.

My mom is going through a lot. She's terminally ill, has been for a while, and it's rough to see what she's going through. Constantly sick, can barely eat most days, etc. But now it's starting to finally have effects. There is deterioration in the upper part of her GI tract and she's sick so much that she's now back on a fully liquid diet of whatever she CAN get down. There are treatments but they tend not to go well for people that have them done. To top it all off, she's also having a lot of fibroids. So many in fact that she will be having a hysterectomy next week.

She's only 45.

My dad, due to his service in the military, is suffering severe ptsd and is incredibly suicidal. I cannot even tell you how many times he's attempted in the last 6 months alone, and I'm not even aware of all of his attempts. He has anger issues. He wears hearing aids. And things have gotten so bad that he's suffering from memory loss, potentially Parkinson's disease, and he's very paranoid about EVERYTHING. He's also been having some kind of heart issue that we've recently discovered where he's been having frequent "heart events" (?) We're still waiting about the cardiologist to see what's going on there.

He's only 46.

To top this off, my parents, after 27 years, are trying to decide if they need to take a break.

My anxiety has grown so much in the last year and a half, that I now carry noise canceling headphones with me everywhere I go, along with my medications. I almost have Shigaraki's dry ass lips and that's not for lack of trying! Chapsticks and various lip products chap my lips terribly and I have dermatitis that refuses to go away with medication. I feel gross most of the time, and I've refused to go to places like the pool bc I feel so insecure about my body. My eating disorder has been making a comeback.

It got very dark very abruptly so I tried to end on a less dark note. Sorry about that 😅

Thanks for reading if you stuck around! I'm doing my best to bust out some writings and some drawings, it's just taking a while with everything happening rn.

On another note, poll results are in! I've put together the rules and everything for my event, and that'll be posted on the 1st!

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I’m back on my bullshit and we have GOT TO TALK about 13x08 The Scorpion and the Frog; which serves as a good example of why you should not ONLY watch spn episodes with Cas (partially because of that scene I shamefully blogged about earlier - no I will not link that cursed post here).  The episode title comes from a fable in which the villain is the scorpion.  Interpretations of this fable note its uniqueness lies in the concept that “the scorpion is irrationally self destructive and fully aware of it.”

To quote the scorpion, buddies -  “it’s in my nature.”

Anyway, this episode is subtextually predicated on exploring Dean Winchester’s nature and specifically - his bisexuality, and I’m not only saying that because it opens with Dean in his Bi Colors Plaid (that also he wore on his burger date with Cas).

Let’s get started, after the cut!

Season 13 on its face gives me absolute whiplash because it starts widow arc-reunion-TOMBSTONE and then Jack yeets himself off to Chuck knows where so Cas can go out Looking For Him Because Otherwise He Will Definitely Kiss Dean there is no other option for the writers at this point.  Sigh.  Here, have another shot of Dean anxiously cleaning his gun as he always does when Cas has Gone Off For Reasons -

Anyway, this feels like a filler episode at first, but as always they bury the ENTIRE damn world in it and I am here with my dossier to Unearth It.

Lets start with Bart (demon of terrible nicknames and microagressions) meeting the brothers at Smile Diner to talk about some spell or whatever. 

(I am not thinking about the Cherry Pie meta I AM NOT)

THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY to start with these lines immediately introducing the theme of duality, a thread throughout this episode.

BARTHAMUS

Everything. I've been following your careers a long time. You're a real pain in the pitchfork. And the halo. Natural disrupters. We have that in common, you and I. DEAN

Mm. Yeah, we're twinsies.

***MORE DUALITY!  But as we know, Dean does not like Bart because He Is A Freakin’ Demon

DEAN

Well, see, here's the thing. When a demon tells us to jump, we don't ask how high. We just ice their ass.

UMMM excuse me Barting Bacting Boices?  What is that sexual gaze?  

Then we find out that Bart has 1/2 of the spell.  They need the other 1/2.  Oh, a spell with two parts, you say? [ I am going to scream :) ]

***Also, Dean eats the pie Bart ordered.  I cannot begin to explain to you the state of unwellness that I am in regarding how important this is. DEAN NEVER GETS TO EAT THE PIE, remember?  But in This Filler Episode, Dean eats the pie. While Sam looks at him with a very quizzical expression.  Pie -> what Dean wants but never actually gets -> Dean actively eating this pie.  Dean is coming to terms that maybe he can have what he wants.

***I am reminding you again that this is post widower-arc, post-reunion, and especially post-Tombstone.  Anyway-

Now we get to Smash and Grab.  Not literally even though I want to Commit Such Conduct at this point.  We are introduced to two one off characters named 

Smash (human/female presenting) -  can crack any safe built by man 

and Grab (demon/male presenting)-  expert in bypassing supernatural security.

Reaching or no, you can’t disagree that when spn introduces one off characters - it is almost always a Narrative Parallel or Mirror.

So we have a human and a demon (and Dean Winchester, a human who has been a demon)

who are experts in cracking open/bypassing something that has been secured and guarded (breaking down walls, if you will).  

They also use fake names identifying them as Tools to be Used ( Dean Winchester, the Michael Sword/daddys blunt little instrument)

BONUS:

Dean himself is literally used as a tool in this episode.

So yeah.  Smash and Grab are physical representations of Dean’s duality.  Human/Demon.  Femininity/Masculinity.  Dare we say something else, too?

Anyway, Dean is paired with Smash and Grab; Sam is off to idk negotiate weird artifact purchases lawboy style with Luther Shrike, a man who cannot die so long as he never leaves his house (I cannot even begin to unpack this shit; please just sit there and think about it.  I’m not even going there here.  I CANNOT DISCUSS Luther Shrike RN).

Speaking of things I cannot discuss without halgdhsag;lsa - Smash has very Specific boots (a look overall, really).

DEAN

Hey, Winona. The '90s called. They'd like their shoes back. SMASH

Shh.

***That’s right girl - do not take his shit; he actually LOVES them and is therefore Overcompensating for it with this little jab.

***Dean’s pop culture references and particular attention to the details here Should Not Be Overlooked.  90s! Winona! Ryder!

ANYWAY, then Dean and Smash bond over a caffeinated beverage -

[While Dean is doing a spell, Smash opens a can of drink, takes a mouthful and burps loudly. ] SMASH

Ahh. DEAN

You're weird.

***This scene makes me literally insane. (even aside from Dean living on something named NERVE DAMAGE as a KID.  They could have called it anything. You’re saying this wasn’t a Choice)  

She chugs a swallow of the drink and burps.  Something stereotypically associated with masculinity.  Not feminine.  Dean’s reaction is that she is “weird” - because she is not acting in a way stereotypically, J*hn Winchester brain-rot patriarchy bullshit-tily associated with Being Female.  But also, says the stupid show, they like the same soda.  They are The Same.  She shares the soda with Dean.  HIS FACE WHEN SHE DOES -

Other similarities are addressed throughout the episode (they are working for demons because they have no choice; they don’t discuss feelings/emotions, they both sold their soul, they both This Thing - 

DEAN

You know, we could help you. SMASH

No, you can't. I gotta take care of me.

etc. etc.) Smash is absolutely dean-coded.

****Also it’s textually established that Smash thinks Dean is attractive -

GRAB

[looking at Smash] Oh. You said he was just a pretty face. SMASH 

Shh.

***But Grab flirts with him too.

DEAN

I will kill you. GRAB

I bet you say that to all the girls.

***sorry, Grab - you won’t get far with Dean, but only because as he mentioned in the beginning of this episode - 

Drowley rights.

Now Dean has to put his hand in the mouth of this stone lion thing and all of a sudden he is acting....very-not-like-Dean.

[Dean looks again and takes a deep breath.] DEAN

I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay. 

***Dean Winchester, who has been to Literal HELL, who has been torn apart by hellhounds, who has battled the devil and angels and God’s sister - all at the expense of his own life is now - afraid of spiders.  Well, technically he has always been afraid of spiders, but why isn’t ‘he being performative about it At This Time??

***Come to think of it, this sends me right back to how Jackles was playing Dean in 12x11 Regarding Dean THE episode dissecting Dean’s performative masculinity [one day I will clean up and post that analysis sitting in my drafts like a sad hamster]. That makes sense actually, because -> -> ->

that episode and this one are both written by Meredith Glynn.  Girl get in I want to torture you affectionately with a barrage of questions.

So here we have Dean and he’s not performing for Reasons, and he’s scared he’s genuinely scared of putting his hand in this stone lion-gargoyle-pig-creature’s mouth and then -

Smash gives him a push.

She gives him a push.  I cannot stop thinking about how she gives him a push.  A push to go do this thing that he is scared of; his fear being something he was hiding under his performative masculinity. Smash - dean coded dean mirror who does not perform femininity and is ‘weird’ -  she   gives   him   a     p u s h.

***linking here for the jackting joices that follow.

Now, let’s circle back to Smash’s story; why she is working for Bart in the first place -

SMASH

You think I wanna be here? Like I have a choice? SAM

You made a deal. SMASH

Wow! You think? SAM

You sold your soul. SMASH

And if I could take it back, I would. 

there is no reason for this picture here other than I needed you to see the jackting again

***How does the story end for Smash?

DEAN

Take care of you. [Dean glances down at the box, and then at Smash. She sees that Dean has put a lighter on top of the bones.]  BARTHAMUS

Alice, chop chop! 

[Bart indicates she should get his bones]. SMASH

Yeah. [She grabs the lighter and sets Bart's bones alight. Bart screams as he bursts into flames. ] 

***She accepts help and breaks free from the narrative, literally burning it down. The female presenting but not female-performing “weird” ooc representing a side of Dean breaks FREE because she makes a choice.  The lighter Dean drops? It’s a push.  And she goes with it.

Alice reclaims her story.

(Also, Grab gets ganked.  The male presenting ooc; the performative masculinity side; the demon; the darkness; the not-humanity - gets ganked).

Guess what Dean says to Alice when they say goodbye?

DEAN

Hey, Alice. Stay weird.

[I know the peace sign is probably just a Charlie throwback but I’d still like to say duality.  Two. ]

Dean’s not just talking to Alice.  He’s talking to himself; because the walls have been breached and for once Dean isn’t as scared of being different.  Maybe, just maybe, he’s going along with the push.  That’s exactly how the episode ends - with Dean feeling a little more hopeful, a little more at peace; a little more Considering he is capable of not only loving Cas but also not hating himself for it. 

[until the knowledge that Mary is still alive and the guilt of allowing himself ANY happy thoughts instead of looking for her miserably rears its ugly head in 13x09 and round and round we go but for NOW at least -> ]

DEAN

I'll drink to that.

(oh look Dean is just wearing his henley.  It’s almost as if a layer has been peeled back).

tagging @im-shaking-like-milk​ and @deanwasalwaysbi​ for letting me ramble on to them while writing this; and @lilac-void​ because you are always so kind about my stuff :)

[actual-fucking-clown]

Take your time then.

Aizawa x gender neutral reader

Story under the cut :)

Unedited but like edited but still not properly edited :)

Hope you enjoy!!!

a/n: it’s been a hot min since I’ve written a fic. I think the last time i was 14 and it was shit and on wattpad. Ha. I hate myself. N e way, I was recently writing some shit for an au me and my friend thought up and in the back of my mind I was like, “you should start writing fics again bc this is kinda fun”, soo lo and behold I made a post asking if anyone would be interested, shared a little too much personal shit in it but whatever, and have now decided to write this mother fucker. (3/25/21)

a/n: not sure if anyone will care about this series of a/n’s but I’m just chronicling thoughts ig. rewriting rn bc my first draft was short and ass. Also I’m thinking about opening requests after this is posted, will go into detail in a diff post maybe. (3/28/21)

a/n: deleted everything, rewriting. I just want to make something that might be decent and if I can give that feeling, y’know those chills you get when you read something utterly gorgeous, but I’m bad at writing. sadge (3/28/21, like several hours later)

a/n: ugh (4/1/21)

a/n: ugh pt 2 electric boogaloo. I can’t seem to move forward with the writing. I realized something like this might happen bc to solve a problem feelings need to be discussed and I fucking hate doing that so you can see where I’m fucking up lmaooooo (4/2/21)

a/n: I read angst to fuel my writing brain. So, read some angst, finally writing agian. This first section is probs as long as the story itself LMFAO(4/5/21)

Started: (3/25/21) Finished: (4/5/21)

Warnings: uh angst, curse words, like a lot, (i saw someone else put this as a warning, do I actually need it?), avoiding problems instead of actually facing them, mentions of shit so-so parenting, mentions of not being able to live up to high expectations, y’know, the works

Synopsis: Aizawa takes in Eri without running it by you first and expects you to be okay with it. That’s funny. He was wrong.

Can I preface this with a thought? I’m going to anyway,

all the fics I read paint him as the sweetest partner and I’m sure he is but I think they miss out on how blunt he is and his whole “Mr. Rationality” thing. So as much as I adore him I think there are situations that he’d be a bit more colder towards, a bit more straightforward about. Maybe even like a bit insensitive about but maybe bc he doesn’t have the full picture or something. so I guess this is another warning but aizawa is a little insensitive in the beginning (but like not really but kinda. it’s complicated)

~

Rain pattered softly against the window. The smell of some old random Bath and Bodyworks candle you’d dug out from a box you’d never bothered to unpack smothered the room. Some Netflix show idly played on a low volume on your computer, you’d lost interest in watching tv awhile ago. You needed a break. After the eventful month you’d been having you really needed this. 

Now of course your whole year so far had been eventful. What with all the villain attacks on you and Shouta’s class and the kidnapping of one of your students, to just dealing with the more mundane problems with your students. No. You had no problem with that. The villains, although not easy, were something you were trained to handle. The smaller problems with your students weren’t arduous either, after all you weren’t too much older than them. 

When reflecting on your situation, from and outside perspective it could be seen as the straw the broke the camels back, which sure, makes sense. After all, you’re bound to be stressed out by everything else, so why would this seemingly insignificant thing weigh heavier than a villain attack? Well if that is the situation why does this single straw feel like it weighs a ton? This is not that. This is not culmination of the events of this year draining the life from you. This is something entirely different. A panic inducing life change that completely took you by surprise mixed with your inability to actually face your problems. 

You don’t blame them. You can’t. They’ve done nothing wrong. A child. A small, probably mentally scarred child is your problem. Well not her personally but the fear taking care of her instills in you. Despite working in the field that you do, you cannot for the life of you handle actual children. Sure you’re a little awkward with your class but at least they’re young adults and (vaguely) mature and independent to a certain extent. The fact that your long term boyfriend just came back one day, small child in tow and said “Hey I’ve gotta look after this one now” not verbatim obviously, for a lack of better words, fucked you up. He basically solo adopted a kid and, let’s be honest, he probably expected you to help out. But how could you? How could this man look at you and think “I want this person to help me raise an already fucked up child?” Ok sure, he doesn’t at first give off the “I’m totally father figure material” vibe but in the end he is extremely competent. You on the other hand, not so much.

You’d never been good with children. Tried your best to steer clear of them. Didn’t matter the place, didn’t matter who’s kid, you couldn’t handle them. You would just stand there, awkwardly, not entirely sure of what to do and petrified that there was the possibility of making some mistake which would upset the child and then oh wow look, your head got chopped right of your shoulders. That’s hyperbole of course but it does sum up the insurmountable fear that overcomes you whenever you have to deal with a child. So considering the fact that your long term boyfriend had suddenly decided to adopt and not at least warn you, didn’t sit right with you.

So, the best and most obvious choice, was to avoid your problem. Avoid Shouta, avoid Eri. Avoid the mention of them and you, avoid it all. And honestly you’d done pretty well so far. You were able to have as little contact with them as possible considering the close proximity of your living quarters in the teacher’s dorms. After all they were legally supposed to give you two separate rooms but you never actually used yours, well until now. You were living it up honestly. Did you feel awful? Of course. He is your boyfriend after all and you were sure Eri doesn’t deserve your cold shoulder but this is probably for the best. What could you offer her? You weren’t sure that you were a good role model for her or anyone for that matter. What did you know about raising kids? it’s not like you had parents to set a proper example for you. Of course they might have shown you what not to do but where do you go from there? Is shit like that really avoidable? You don’t want to be like them. You strive to be better but what if you can’t be. There’s also the added bonus of the fact that raising a kid seems taxing on a relationship. Now matter how strong you were sure that the stress of a kid could break a relationship down that then festers into something toxic and unrecognizable. You didn’t want that. God you couldn’t let that happen. No. This was definitely for the better.

Of course Aizawa didn’t feel the same. He was confused on why his partner had been so blatantly avoiding him. Did he do something wrong? He doesn’t remember doing anything that might’ve upset you. So why now? Why pull away now? He had to get down to the bottom of this but catching you was the hard part. You had been taking on more work, offering more assistance to the other teachers, picking up extra patrols, doing everything and anything to stay away from Shouta. It took him a month but he finally caught up to you. You were tired, worn out he knew that. Instead of loading yourself with work you’d decided to hole yourself up in your room. It was now or never.

You were pulled out of your peace at the sound of a few gentle knocks to your door. You really didn’t want to get it. You honestly couldn’t be bothered. 

“(N/n)? Are you in there?” He hadn’t gotten it wrong right? He hadn’t been too distracted earlier and missed you leaving right?

“What’s up?” You hummed from your place by the window, not bothering to actually open the door.

“Can I come in?” Shouta asked, voice soft. You could barely hear him above the patter of the rain and the low humming of your laptop.

“Uh, no, kinda busy. Got loads of work to do. Need to focus, sorry. Maybe later?” You hesitantly spoke. Not sure if you were convincing enough. 

Apparently you weren’t.

He sighed. “It’s been “later” for an entire month. Please (Y/n) just let me in. Whatever this is we can talk it out.” You had predicted that eventually Shouta would start to try to crack down on whatever the issue was but you didn’t expect it so soon. 

“Uh...no?” You tried, hoping that maybe he’d just give up but that wasn’t Shouta.

“No, you don’t get that option, now please, open the door.” Although it was still soft his voice had taken a more stern tone.

“Oh no I’m dead. I guess I can’t open the door. What a shame. I guess the only way to talk with me now is in the pits of hell.” You quipped, trying to lessen the tension that already ran thick.

“(Y/n).” Aizawa sighed.

“Jeez fine. Talk about pushy.” You quipped once more to no avail.

Opening the door you were met with, well exactly what you expected. He stood there, arms crossed, a stern yet gentle look in his eyes, his lips pulled into a slight frown. 

“Come in.” You mumbled as you stepped further into your room.

“So tell me. What’s wrong?” The sentence stirred so much. Of course you wanted to tell him. You wanted to spill your guts to the man you loved in hopes of comfort but you just can’t. You know you’ll just scare him off. You know you’ll make things worse.

So you stay silent.

He says nothing as he grabs your hands gently and leads you over to your bed. He sits the two of you down on the edge, muting the movie on the laptop sitting behind him.

“You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you right?” Shouta sent you a warm smile. 

You weren’t very comfortable with discussing your feelings sometimes, it mostly stemmed from the fact that you never really could discuss them with anyone growing up which made it harder to confide in anyone now, as at this point bottling things up was a habit. But this was also just something that you were sure that you couldn’t talk about.

Silence answered him once again.

Now he took sometime to think about his approach, think about what could’ve happened that made you pull away. What did he do that was different from his norm? He was genuinely stumped and the fact that you weren’t helping him confused him even more.

You decided to take this time to lament the situation too. What was he going to do? Should you actually tell him or play it off? If you play it off will he still insist that something is wrong? If you tell him will he leave you? If you don’t tell him will he leave you? You risked a glance at him, he was still deep in thought.

Why did you have to adopt this fucking kid without at least warning me?

“What?” Your head shot up at the sound of his shocked voice.

“What?” You asked, genuinely confused.

“Eri’s the problem...?” He spoke slowly, not entirely sure if he’d heard you right.

“Did I say that out loud?” You squeaked.

“I’m pretty sure you mumbled something along the lines of “why’d you have to adopt that fucking kid”.” Shouta said, unsure if he’d heard wrong. Wanting to have heard wrong.

“No no no no no no! It’s not like that! I mean it is like that but not like that!” You frantically waved your hands in hopes of defusing the situation.

The way he looked at you made you want to cry. You felt horrible. You felt like the biggest asshole in the world and, at this point you probably were. He looked at you with such a look of heartbreak and disappointment and confusion it made you sick to your stomach. You felt light-headed and started shaking. You were right. You were right. You were always right. God why did you have to be right! Why did you have to be like this? Scared of raising a fucking child! It was asinine and irrational and you could probably move past it  but thanks to your stupid fucking brain you just sealed your fate.

You scooted away from him still waving your hands frantically as no’s tumbled endlessly from your lips. You tried sputtering an apology, anything so that he wouldn’t look at you like that but nothing stuck. Nothing was comprehensible. Nothing worked. Nothing would work. Nothing will work. You were hopeless. It was hopeless. 

“If it isn’t like how it seems then tell it to me straight.” Shouta finally spoke up.

You took a second to come down from your panic. You steeled your nerves as much as possible before you spoke. 

“Um well, I have nothing against her it’s just that a little heads up would’ve been nice? I’m not all that great with kids so this is just kind of weird is all.” You were purposefully being vague in hopes that he’d understand what you meant and also maybe drop it.

“Not great with kids? You’re literally a teacher.” He pointed out.

“Yeah you know but she’s like a kid kid and let’s be honest I’m not too great with the students either.” You awkward laughed. So he wasn’t getting it.

“Wha-you’re fine with the students and I’m sure you’ll be fine with Eri, there was no reason to avoid me over this.” Shouta sighed. As good as he was with dealing with people, he was equally as shit. Or maybe it was just the fact that you gave him very little to work with. It was probably a bit of both. Still his dismissiveness was not helping you right now.

“No, no, no, no. I think I’ll stay here. Uh, good luck with your parenthood escapades and sorry to leave you high and dry like this but that’s going to have to be a no from me.” You rambled. He seemed to be getting a little tired of this.

“(Y/n) stop being irrational. She’s not even our kid I’m just looking after her for now. Why are you being difficult? I told you you were fine with the students and you’ll be fine with Eri, what else do you want to hear?” Shouta grumbled.

“Well uh I don’t know, uh...” You trailed off, this seemed to be going in a direction you really didn’t want it to go. A slight hostility settling in the air.

At your lack of a proper answer he clicked his tongue. He took a moment to reassess the situation. There had to be something he was missing. After all you were getting really worked up but if you weren’t going to talk to him there was nothing he could do. He shook his head before running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“(Y/n), please, please, just be honest with me. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, you can tell me. But I won’t be able to understand if you don’t.” Aizawa sighed, deciding that getting worked up about this was not the way to go, especially when you seemed to be especially distraught.

“Uh, god the thing is I don’t know entirely what to say to put the shitshow in my head into perspective.” You mumbled, trying desperately to figure out what to say that could clear the air but nothing seemed to be coherent enough.

“Take your time.” He decided that this was the best approach to things, making sure neither party got too worked up lest this turn into a fight.

The rain continued to patter softly against the window and your candle continued to burn an slightly off floral-ish scent.  A deafening silence hung in the air because even though he was being as patient as possible some of his frustration leaked through, it was bound to though so you couldn’t exactly blame him. After all, you were probably equally as frustrated with yourself too. 

“I’m just not good in a position like this. I’m not good with kids, especially someone like Eri who’s already so broken. You have that nurturing nature, it comes natural to you but I’m not on that level. I  don’t know the first thing about caring for a child let alone one as already traumatized as her. I’d fuck it up and only make things worse. I don’t want you to reassure me that I’ll be okay with her, I want you to understand that I’m not comfortable with this and that it might take me awhile to come around. I’m sure I sound like the biggest asshole ever but please understand that this just isn’t something I’m ready for.” You had rambled a bit, you were aware of that, but it was the only way that you could properly express your feelings without making things too complicated.

Aizawa said nothing. Trying to figure out how to go about things.

Was he upset? Yeah, you two, even after several long years of being together, hadn’t discussed moving forward in your relationship in depth. And if he’d tried you seemed content with the point you two were at so he left it be, no reason to try and move forward when what you had was already fine the way it was. But recently he’d been craving more. Some mornings, when he’d be the first to wake, he’d study your features in the soft light of the sunrise and wonder what it’d be like to properly settle down with you. Get married, start a family, all that jazz. He’d taken in Eri only because it was the most rational decision. His quirk would be good for quelling hers had it ever gotten out of hand. But it also seemed to quell his musings of something more with you. He had imagined you being a good parental figure for the little girl and it made his heart flutter and his stomach explode with butterflies. But now seeing that that wasn’t what you wanted and how you weren’t ready for it, it stung. But in the end, he loved you. He’d easily give his life for you. So, if that meant waiting he’d wait. He’d wait a million years if he had to. He could do it.

Once again he spoke,

“Take your time then. I can wait.”

Tagslist?: @captainchrisstan (I think you said you wanted to be tagged but I’m also just small brained lol If u didn’t want to and I misinterpreted things just let me know :) )

[madzfm]

˛ ⠀ * ⠀ ★ ⠀  JESSICA ALEXANDER  .   CIS FEMALE  .  SHE / HER      ⧽ ⠀ have  you  seen  the  786  latest  post  ?  sources  say  they  have  some  serious  dirt  on  the  child  of  a  big  time   COUNTRY MUSIC STARS  .   they  haven’t  revealed  who  it was  yet  but  my  best  is  on  MADISON  DARLING  !  ever  since  that  last  update  about  how  she  ALLEGEDLY GOT CAUGHT SPORTING A BABY BUMP LAST YEAR BEFORE GHOSTING EVERYONE  i  don’t  put  anything  pass  them  .  i  mean  ,  these  celebrity  kids  are  just  out  of  control  .   they  do  whatever  they  want  ,  whenever  they  want  and  are  ungrateful  in  the  process  !!  i  mean  take  MADDIE  for  example  ,  they’re  a  TWENTY THREE  year  old  DANCER  ,  and  what  did  they  do  to  get  there  ?  have  famous  parents  !  like  hello  ,  just  because  you HAVE BEEN IN MUSIC VIDEOS WITH A-LIST MUSICIANS doesn’t  mean  you  actually  deserved  it  .   i’m   glad   the   786   is   taking   them   down   a   notch   .   it’s   about   time   someone   does   .

             𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐆𝐋𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐂  /  𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓  / 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

hey ... hey ... how y’all doin’ ?  i’m sooo excited to be here , besties ! sorry i’m late with the intro , it’s been a looooong weekend for me but i’m eager to get the ball rolling . so here’s the rundown , the google doc has a full bio + more stats + headcanons but i don’t expect anyone to actually read all that nonsense so i’ve tried my best to sum it up below ( it’s still kinda long tho i’m sorry y’all i ramble too much ). i’m always down to talk plots & threw a few wanted connection ideas at the bottom , so feel free to hmu on discord any time <3 but yes okay let’s get into it

⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

━━     ˊ     *     𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬  . .

𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞. madison dallas darling .   𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞(𝐬). maddie , mads .   𝐝𝐨𝐛. april 14 , 1998 .   𝐚𝐠𝐞. twenty - three .   𝐳𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐜. aries sun , libra moon , leo asc .   𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫. cis female .   𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬. she / her .   𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. bisexual .  𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞. nashville , tn .   𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭. 5ft 5in .  𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. high school diploma .   𝐨𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. dancer / realty tv personality .   𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐬. robert “robbie” darling - father . dixie darling - mother . delaney darling - sister .   𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐬. compassionate , imaginative , family-oriented  , devoted , generous , sympathetic , idealistic , self critical , naive , competitive , indecisive , impressionable , elusive , sensitive .

━━     ˊ     *     𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲 . .

tw : things like shitty controlling parents , injury , & pregnancy are mentioned

   born & raised in nashville , tennessee , madison is the daughter of two country music icons ( basically blake shelton & miranda lambert ) & has only ever known a life in the spotlight . her parents were a widely adored it couple who shared their lives with millions of viewers across the world with their reality tv show . at 7pm cst you could tune in to watch robbie & dixie raise their two daughters - having some good ol’ wholesome family fun while juggling responsibilities that come with being famous artists . to any outsider looking in , they seemed like the perfect family . a loving father , a supportive mother , two prim & proper daughters that collected accolade after accolade in every pageant & talent competition they ever entered . but you shouldn’t believe everything you see on tv , even if it’s deceptively labeled as “reality” .

   when the cameras weren’t rolling , the darling sisters were left under their mother’s restrictive control . dixie darling treated her daughters more like dolls than living beings , madison & delaney were basically pretty little accessories . while robbie never dared to mistreat his daughters , he was around a lot less than the show made it seem - often touring the world rather than spending quality time with his girls . plus , dixie & robbie seemed to endlessly fight with one another - nearly every childhood memory madison has of her parents involves them yelling . if she wanted to see them looking happy & in love , she’d have to tune in to the fabricated reality on their own show to get a taste of what a happy , loving family looks like . 

   you can’t be a child of dixie darling without being exploited in some way . while delaney was pushed into the music scene , madison was shoved into the world of dance . she took every class that was offered & practiced for hours upon hours to perfect her craft . her sister had taken after their folks with the singing voice of an angel & the looks to rival that of miss universe , meanwhile maddie was good for two things : dance & doing whatever her mother said . so when dixie said to twirl , she twirled , when she said do a grand jeté, maddie asked how high & then over performed like the good little girl she was trained to be .

   it wasn’t until her parents got divorced & maddie moved to miami to be with her sister , her father , & her father’s new girlfriend that she sort of came out ( or more accruately described as dragged out ) of her timid , non - confrontational , subservient shell . with a longer leash , she had more freedom to roam far & wide . no one tried to tell her what to do or who to talk to & considering she was just a privileged teenager with endless funds & the status to get away with just about anything , you can imagine how badly that went . every mistake she made was broadcasted onto people’s televisions or headlined in tabloids . it was stressful , growing up & messing up all under the watchful gaze of millions of people who felt entitled to berate her for her poor life decisions . just because they watched her grow up on tv didn’t mean they actually knew anything about her . & yet so many people shared their unsolicited opinions on her & her life . it drove her insame .

   maddie wasn’t handling the stress of being well known very well . she wanted a break from it all , to just go somewhere far away where no one knew her name & just live by herself . it was a silly dream . nothing she’d ever actively pursue . but the universe has a funny way of giving us a taste of what we think we want just to teach us a lesson . 

   so over a year ago , maddie found out that she was pregnant . it was a shock to say the least . she kept it a close guarded secret from everyone but her sister for awhile . not only was it a life changing development , but it was one thing that she was determined not to share with the rest of the world . with the idea of running away in continuous loop in the back of her mind , she came up with a plan to buy herself some time . she faked a really bad injury during a performance & let the media run with saying she might not be able to walk , let alone dance ever again . pushing the cover story even further , she claimed to be in need of intense physical therapy & sought after it in a luxurious private lodge in new zealand . that’s where she stayed during her year away , letting no outsiders come visit while she figured out how she was going to move forward with this baby growing inside of her .

   so maddie finally got the break she was looking for even if it wasn’t under the circumstances that she would’ve liked . but she adapted to the situation . in her time away , she went through the entire pregnancy but it was basically decided for her by her parents that it was best to give the baby up for adoption . the little girl would be in good care by a couple that was a family friend of the darlings . better to bless someone who wanted a baby but couldn’t have one than for maddie to keep her daughter when she wasn’t in a place to take care of her . it broke her heart , honestly . she had grown quite attached to the baby & even entertained the idea of being a single mom even though she knew her own mom would never let that happen - it would go against the strict narrative that they try to put out there about the darling family .

   after a year away , maddie is back in miami without anyone knowing what really happened . she keeps using the “injury” as the excuse for her absence from the spotlight . anyone really close to her might be able to tell that something’s off , but she’s trying so hard to act like everything is fine & nothing has changed at all . she might even be able to get away with her lies - if it wasn’t for that damn 786 website threatening to spill the tea & make her life hell .

━━     ˊ     *     𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 & 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 . .

   a wannabe good girl gone bad but harbors a deep rooted fear of being a disappointment & a failure due to her mom’s strict parenting style . so like she wants to be rebellious & come across as carefree but internally she’s panic screaming always ( honestly relatable like same , girl )

   well - mannered in a sweet southern belle kind of way with her please’s & thank you’s & calling everyone ma’am & sir out of respect & what not

   biiiig mom friend energy . she just wants to make sure that everyone is taken care of . she can get very protective & a little helicopter parent-y with her friends . it probably has something to do with control issues that she doesn’t realize she has but we don’t have time to unpack that rn akjsdbk

   before her year away i want to say that she was a lot more people please-y / overly eager to please ?? like rarely said no to people that asked for favors , always agreed to any plans people invited her to out of courtesy , & what have you . but now i see her as being a little less patient than before & a little bit more unhinged & quick to shut down or snap

   guillable ! naive ! dumb as hell ! believes that everyone was raised with the same values as her & has a big of a heart like she does so she’s easily subjectable to getting her feelings hurt & i say let it happen !!

   wants to be mysterious so bad but there is very little known about her & her life that isn’t public knowledge . she could get shit on by a bird & it’ll probably become a twitter highlight idk she just wants to believe she’s imperceptible & acts all evasive in order to keep her private life private but that rarely ever has the desired effect

    one of those annoying rich & famous people that’s like “i wasn’t meant to be famous . i was meant to have a normal life & be a normal person” but like !! she is actually so out of touch with reality & probably couldn’t tell you how much milk is at the grocery store because she has people to do mundane day to day things for her . spoiled little privileged rich girl , let’s be real . her dad tried to keep her humble , idk what happened

   dance style / career is pretty much inspired by maddie ziegler but also not really bc i am very picky & choosey about which aspects of her career i’m pulling from

   boring on social media because she hardly ever posts & is very short with her captions & tweets when she does make an appearance online every blue moon 

   dodges questions about what she’s been up to while she was gone like she’s in the matrix or something . all that pr training her mom put her through when she was younger is coming in handy because she has not given a single honest , straight answer in the months she’s been back . would rather talk about anything else than herself right now so don’t be surprised if she pulls some random subject changes out of her ass if people get nosy . i’m sure the common conspiracy is that maddie was so embarrassed by the fall on stage that she went into hiding 

   delaney is the kim kardashian & britney spears of the family while madison is the kourtney & the jamie lynn xoxo

━━     ˊ     *     𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 . .

ride or die , bad influence , frenemies , family friends , good influence , confidant , rival , girl squad , non judging breakfast club , childhood friend , unlikely friend , exes on good terms , exes on bad terms , neighbors , pr friendship , pr enemy , social media mutuals , party buddies , secret friend , secret hook - up , crush , friends with benefits , adventure buddy , enemy with benefits , dance partners , mentors , mentees , sibling like relationship , will they won’t they , people suspicious of her & her supposed “injury” , father of her baby 👀 jk ..... unless

[marvels-writings]

As Long As You Need (6)

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | 

Request:  hi! Would you be willing to write a Carol x R imagine? Carol and R are close friends even though R is somewhat closed off. Carol really wants to date R and is curious why R doesn't date. She comes to R's house which she hasn't ever been to in order to talk to R for whatever reason and finds out that R has a young child.

A/N: Having a bit of a weird day ngl, like my head just feels hazy for some reason so writing may not be too great rn

“Should we ask her now?” Carol asked impatiently after you finished washing the dishes, it had been a week since you’d asked her to move in with you, but you forgot about Brooke for a second. 

“Maybe we should wait.” You said nervously, the two of you had been procrastinating like this for over a week now, Carol had even started packing and finding someone to sell the apartment.

“Y/n, we’ve waited for a week.” Carol half whined, you sighed and nodded, taking in a deep breath before heading over to Brooke who was watching something on TV, Carol close on your heels.

“Brooke, can we talk to you about something?” You asked tentatively, she nodded and Carol paused the TV, fidgeting with her hands nervously.

“Is it okay if Carol comes to live with us?” You asked, sitting next to Brooke who looked up at you a bit confused.

“Did something happen?” She asked, you glanced at Carol who was just as nervous as you were before looking back at her.

“Nothing is wrong sweetheart,” You said comfortingly, stroking the hair out of Brooke’s face. “I just think it might be a good idea for Carol to come live with us.”

“Okay!” Brooke said excitedly, snuggling into you and snatching the remote quickly, before turning to you again, a fresh idea in her mind.

“Can she play with my toys with me when she lives with us?” She asked, looking up at you with bright eyes, you laughed and nodded, feeling Carol breathe a sigh of relief behind you.

Brooke played whatever movie she had put on while snuggling into you. Carol was just relieved, she thought Brooke might not want it and the idea scared her. She grinned when she thought about moving in with you and your niece.

 -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

“Carol I said move in, not bring the entire compound.” You whined at seeing the plethora of boxes at your front door, with Carol in a white t-shirt and faded light blue jeans at the back of the truck she was unloading all of them from.

“It’s not that many.” Carol argued, you raised an eyebrow and she smiled sheepishly at you, a little apologetic.

“Wow.” Brooke shouted from behind you before running to the first box she could, opening it to find some of Carol’s clothes inside.

“Well this is going to be a long day.” You sighed, helping Brooke carry in one of the boxes, Carol grinned at you, taking the heavier boxes, the grin never leaving her face the entire time. 

 -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

“I’m beat.” You groaned, flopping down on the couch, surrounded by boxes, Brooke flopped down next to you, imitating what you’d said, you laughed lightly as Carol stood in front of you.

“I ordered pizza,” She stated, then fidgeted with her hands. “I’m sorry there’s so much.”

“It’s okay, the more the merrier right?” You asked, turning to Brooke who nodded, a little tired from carrying the smallest boxes in. 

The doorbell rang and Brooke instantly ran to the door, screaming ‘food’. You laughed and went to pay, Carol stopped you, saying it was her treat and paid for it, the three of you ate pizza while discussing how to move all of Carol’s stuff in the master bedroom where she would share with you. You eventually decided that some of her things would have to go in the guest room drawers.

 -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

The rest of the afternoon went by unpacking, you were cooking some pasta while Carol moved some of the heavier boxes which she said were filled with random things from her past and a few other things here and there. Brooke kept insisting to help with the boxes, Carol said no, you smiled as you listened to them banter.

“Here’s a small box.” Carol said, you popped your head out of the kitchen to see Carol handing her the smallest box she could find, you laughed and went back into the kitchen.

A large crash made you stop stirring the pasta, you quickly wiped your hands as a large ‘Ow’ in Brooke’s voice erupted from the other room, in a state of panic you ran to the origin of the sound. Carol was also panicking as there was a cut on Brooke’s forearm. 

“What happened?” You asked, a little panicked as you pulled the first aid kit from under your bed. 

“She put the box on the bed and the other one fell and the corner cut her arm.” Carol answered quickly, standing up and feeling guilty for what happened.

“Honey it’s okay,” You comforted Brooke, cleaning up the blood with a wet cotton wipe, your heart broke when it turned red. “You’re going to be okay.”

“It hurts y/n.” Brooke whined, Carol’s jaw clenched as she saw you bite your lip to prevent tears from breaking out. 

Carol sat on the bed, moving Brooke into her lap comfortably, holding Brooke’s other hand and stroking her hair with the other.

“Squeeze my hand as hard as you need to, okay?” Carol said, Brooke nodded and started squeezing her hand, squinting her eyes shut to avoid looking at the cut. 

“There’s my strong girl.” You said, smiling when the fresh cotton wipe finally stopped turning red, you leaned forwards and gently kissed her forehead before taking out the disinfectant. 

“Now, this is going to sting a bit, I want you to squeeze Carol’s hand as hard as you can okay, can you do that for me?” You asked Brooke, she looked at you and nodded, turning around from the cut, her arm towards you. 

You put the disinfectant on the wipe and gently swiped it over in one quick motion, wincing when you heard Brooke gasp and you saw her knuckles turn white from how hard she was squeezing Carol’s hand. You finished and put a few bandaids on it, in Brooke’s favorite color, pink.

“There, all done.” You said, leaning back and trying your best to smile. Brooke looked at the bandaids, moving her hand up to eye level.

“Thank you, I’m sorry Aunt y/n.” Brooke apologized, looking down at her arm, you tilted your head to the side and smiled, ruffling the little girl’s hair.

“Hey, it was just an accident,” You said softly, eye/color eyes softening at her. “You don’t need to say sorry.”

“Ok, can we eat?” She asked, forgetting her injury instantly, you laughed and nodded, picking Brooke off of Carol’s lap and gesturing for her to follow you. 

“I’m sorry.” Carol apologized once you’d reached the table.

You frowned, dropping Brooke off at the table before heading into the kitchen to serve the pasta.

“For what?” You asked, dishing the pasta onto some plates and taking some forks out, turning around to see Carol’s features ridden with guilt.

“For letting Brooke get hurt.” Carol said sheepishly, you just smiled at her.

“It was an accident Carol,” You said, handing her the plates, she smiled weakly back at you.

“C’mon now, Brooke’s hungry.” You joked, grabbing the last plate and heading into the dining room with a few cans of soda in your hands. 

Carol laughed as she followed you to the dining table. Dinner was as it always was between you three, Brooke telling all of you stories about school, Carol poking fun at them a little, you laughing the entire time. Carol had never felt happier having dinner with you, it felt amazing, it felt like she was finally home. 

| Part 7 |

A/N: Thoughts, and this is unedited and I left this halfway done yesterday so it’s not as coherent, but still, thoughts?

Tag List: @capcarolsdanver, @versdan, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught, @lovebotlarson​, @dhengkt​, @5aftermidnight, @hstoria, @natasha-danvers, @veryfunnyal​, @xxxtwilightaxelxxx​ , @ophelias-heart​  , @never-didbefore , @justarandomhumanhere, @the-most-unicorn-of-them-all , @thatssocamryn , @lesbian-x-blackwidow , @marvelbbyx​ , @wlw-imaginesss let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

[cabinofimagines]

Long Distance For Long Longings (Reyna x Female Reader)

A/N: Hello! Of course, I’m avoiding my final project due Thursday writing this, of course, I’m gonna regret it, especially since I haven’t done shit but god do I need some lesbian love in my life rn 

The request said “Holidays” which I think means Christmas etc but I changed it to summer break I hope that’s ok!! I put two requests together cause they worked well uwu

-Danny

Words: 1,090

Requests: “female reader visits Reyna to spend the holidays with her and it’s super romantic and cheesy”

“Hello, big fan of your work. could you do an imagine with Reyna X daughter of Venus! Reader. Appreciate it if it was full of fluff. Thanks xxx”

Warnings: None I believe. This is not proofread so I’m sorry for any mistakes, but hey, if you like it anyway let us know!

Y/N breathed in the soft smell of light air and wildlife,  stretching her legs as much the taxi she was in allowed her and already thinking about the soft bed awaiting her arrival, probably as warm as ever. 

Excitement washed over her, after one of the longest semesters she’d had to go through so far, finally, she was home.

“You can let me here” She leaned, speaking to her driver who only answered with a nod, parking a few meters outside the entrance of New Rome.

Y/N grabbed her bags and as she walked out of the car, thanking the driver for bringing her, two familiar faces came running to meet their friend, hugging her and letting out some squeals of happiness, she couldn’t stop herself from joining in, together again the three best friends anyone could ask for.

“Y/N, love the hair!” Peter, her oldest friend ran his hand through it, “so soft too! how did you manage to keep it this cute while on finals?”

“And also gotta tell us how is college life going, we miss you” her friend Penny pouted, grabbing one of the bags to help her carry them back to her place.

“I know, I know” Y/N sighed, thanking her silently for the help, “Guys, ugh I miss you too so much! College is great but parties aren't the same without you crazy idiots around.”

“Wait,” Peter eyed her up and down while walking over one of the sidewalks, “you go to college parties all alone? that’s new”

“I had to!” She complained, “school had me all kinds of stressed and if I didn’t clear my head from time to time I would’ve ended up crazy...”

“Well I hope you didn’t have too much fun on those parties without me”

“Babe!” Y/N stopped on her tracks at hearing the voice she knew so well in front of her. “Oh gods, I missed you”

They approached each other and kissed like it had been years since they were together, and quite honestly, sometimes it felt like that was true.

“Alright,” Reyna let out a small laugh without breaking the kiss, “I forgive you...”

“Ew, guys get a room” Penny scrunched up her nose, leaving Y/N’s bag on the floor “can’t you wait a moment so we can catch up with our friend before you steal it from us?”

“Come on, don’t be a party pooper dude, let them enjoy themselves, we have three whole months to catch up” Peter giggled, grabbing Penny by the arm and waving goodbye to Y/N and Reyna.

“See you guys later!” Y/N called after them, already being led into the house in front of her, Reyna’s place. “Hey, I have to unpack first...”

“I’ll help you later, c’mon it’s been two months since last time we saw each other, I wanna have you all to myself for at least another hour, I won’t take no for an answer” Reyna gave her a pointed look over her shoulder and oh, how could Y/N said no to her girl...

“So,” Y/N sat on the couch in her softest hoodie and sweats, “How was everything while I was away?”

“Same as usual, love,” Reyna walked up to her holding a plate of Y/N’s favorite food, “Frank does his best, he is a great praetor. Jason comes from time to time to make sure we are building all of those altars for the thousands of gods, Greeks and Roman. I know he does the same back in New York. We all are happy and at ease. With the exception of this sad and lonely girl who has to wait six months to see her girlfriend”

Y/N snorted, taking the plate on her hands and holding it up while the girl sat down beside her, “Oh, don’t start now, I just got here!”

“Would I be me if I didn’t annoy you about how much I suffer every time you have to go away for college? You could’ve stayed here!”

“We’ve planned on spending the rest of our lives here! I wanna meet some places before I settle down, I know you did the whole traveling around the world when you were younger while bringing the statue back. But I’m just a regular demigod, with no extra powers or whatever...”

“You are more powerful than you think,” Reyna pointed out in a serious voice, “you could ask for anything in this world and I would give it to you, that’s how much I love you. Sometimes I really think it was an idiot move to fall in love with a daughter of Venus, I’m too soft around you.”

“Aw, babe,” Y/N beamed, leaning for a quick kiss, “I love you too. Don’t worry, if you think I make you soft, I can assure you make me weak as hell,” She retorted with a smirk.

“Oh,” Reyna fought back her blush, “now that’s something.”

Y/N giggled while taking a big bite out of her food so she could avoid replying. A few minutes of comfortable silence fell between the two of them, silently watching the movie and finishing their plates. She leaned into Reyna’s shoulder, enjoying her warmth. After a moment, her girlfriend spoke in a really soft whisper.

“You know I’m just kidding, right?”

“About what?”

“I understand you want to go and meet new people, see new places. I’m not upset that you go. I’m actually proud.”

“You are?” Y/N smiled sweetly at her.

“Completely” She kissed her forehead, “you’re so smart and always know how to handle every problem that comes your way, I wouldn’t be as happy without you, I’m so glad you didn’t break up with me once you left for college. I was... scared, that you would do it.”

“You’re the love of my life,” She replied in disbelief, “I can’t break up with you. I don’t want to. Never. I already planned our life out, so be ready to grow old and gray with this cheesy, pretty girl next to you.”

“Can’t wait,” Reyna chuckled, this time kissing her on the lips.

Yes, it’s great to be home.

“Oh shoot!” Y/N suddenly remembered between kisses, “Honey... I still have to go home and unpack all my stuff.”

“Do that tomorrow” Reyna mumbled while clinging to her waist, “stay the night”

She just sighed in contentment, nodding at her girlfriend’s words and forgetting all about the movie. Really, how could Y/N say no?

So that’s about it! :) I hope you guys like it

-Danny

[jiminelli]

We Don’t Talk Anymore

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader (feat. Jimin or the other way around??)

Word Count: 2.469

A/N: this was requested before I went on hiatus when jungkook released the cover but I just now had the time to write it. I hope you enjoy it!

also I didn’t proof read yet, I’m too lazy rn please bare with me

Strolling down the street, head down, you made your way to your university. One arm clutched around the cup of coffee and the other one gripping your bag tightly, knuckles turning white. The tension in your body was eating you out alive, making it impossible to function properly. 

A piercing sound made its way to your ears, causing you to flinch and letting your cup fall to the ground. The coffee splattered all across the sidewalk, passersby throwing you judging looks while your hand roamed through your pockets, searching for the device that was equivalent to the noise that startled you.

Finally being able to grasp it in between your shaking fingers, you held it to you ear, taking a deep breath. 

“Hello?”

“Hey babe, how’s your morning?”, his voice echoed through the device, sounding too eager for your still sleepy state.

“Mhh fine”, you mumbled while trying to dodge other passersby on the sidewalk that walked in the opposite direction. “You just startled me and I accidentally spilled all my coffee on the floor.” 

A pout formed on your lips as you realized you’d had to survive the whole day without your daily cup of sweet bitterness to give you a boost of energy. Your day was practically ruined.   

His angelic laugh made a smile appear on your face and you felt your heart flutter at that sound. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you (Y/N)”, a soft chuckle escaped his lips. “I’ll come by after your first period and bring you a new one, does that sound good?”

You sighed in defeat. “Jimin, it’s not that big of a deal, don’t worry. It’s just coffee”, you laughed. “I can survive without it.”

His grin was practically audible through the phone. “No, you wouldn’t (Y/N) and we both know that. Your unbearable without your morning coffee. I’ll be there.” 

Walking through the gates of your university, you nodded to some acquaintances and smiled. “How do I even deserve you Park Jimin? Thank you, really.”

He laughed. “Anything for my princess. Now go get to your class, we’ll see each other in a bit!”

You giggled and hung up before letting your phone slide back into your bag and taking a seat in the back row. Still in a lovely daze, you started to unpack and placed your paper and pen in front of you, ready to take notes for once during this lecture. It was one of the hardest to concentrate at and even though you told yourself each time before class to focus, that it’s important for your future, it always ended in a disaster. Not once had you been able to listen to what the professor said, let alone take notes. Your nerves were wrecked every time after class and the only thing that could calm you down was Jimin.

All of a sudden your hackles raised and you knew he was in the same room. He had entered and was looking directly at you, making your whole body react to his gaze even though you hadn’t looked at him yet. You didn’t have to turn to his direction to know that he was there. Your body knew. 

Nervously, you started chewing on your bottom lip and kneading your hands together, trying to hold your gaze to the front. If you looked, this lecture wouldn’t be different from all the others. You had to concentrate. You had to stay strong, You had to stay focused. 

A light breeze made goosebumps appear on your arms and your heart started aching when the smell of his cologne hit your nose. Slowly you closed your eyes, inhaling deeply and remembering...

“I could stay like this forever, you know. You, me and this bed”, his deep early morning voice lulled you in. You softly hummed in response, snuggling closer to his chest and inhaling his unique scent. Butterflies danced in the pit of your stomach and electricity shot through your body wherever his fingers decided to caress your naked skin. 

“Of course we’d need to hire someone then to cook for us, otherwise we’d starve to death”, he added, making you giggle. Your eyes shot up and his hands started playing with your hair while looking at you lovingly.

You loved moments like these. He treated you like the most precious thing anyone could ever hold. He made you feel like the Queen on Earth that nobody could ever compare to. You felt safe and loved. All of his being was devoted to you in those few seconds and you couldn’t think of any better feeling than that. His arms were your home. His eyes were your savior. His lips your treasure. He was everything to you and you were everything to him. 

Just the two of you.

“We could just hire Jin. I bet he’d gladly cook for his youngest child, making sure he doesn’t starve to death”, he laughed at your comment, placing soft kisses all over your face.

“I could never starve to death with you in my arms”, he muttered and you playfully hit his chest, making him gasp in fake shock.

“Geez, you’re so cheesy sometimes”, you said while hiding your face in the crook of his neck.

“Only for you (Y/N)”, he laughed, pulling you closer, enwrapping you in his scent. 

Heaven was nothing compared to his arms.

A high pitched giggle made you come back from your memories and you turned your head to the source of noise, eyebrows furrowed and heart aching. One of your classmates was sitting on his lap, throwing her head back and laughing dramatically while he grinned silently, hands placed on her waist and softly tickling her.

“Stop it Jungkook, you know how ticklish I am!”, she squealed, playfully hitting his arms and smiling widely at him. 

“I know, that’s why I’m doing it”, he answered before continuing his mission.

The professor turned his microphone on, making the girl slide back onto her chair and Jungkook turn his gaze away from her, smile fading instantly. His eye bags looked horrible, eyes sad, almost emotionless. His face was pale and lips chapped. All life seemed to be sucked out of him, just like you were feeling. 

His gaze went up and your eyes met, locking for a small eternity. You saw the blood rush through his veins back to his face again, giving his cheeks a pink tint, eyes sprinkling with all kinds of emotions and lips turning to a nostalgic smile. Your heart fluttered just like it used to with a mix of a painful feeling that seemed as if someone was slamming a knife into it over and over again. Your eyes started to water but you couldn’t tear your gaze away from him. He seemed to suck you in, not letting you go no matter how hard you tried to focus on your professor instead of Jungkook.

Until the girl nudged him in the side and he flinched, breaking eye contact and making you release the breath you didn’t even know you were holding. Quickly, you turned to the front, grabbing pen and paper and eagerly starting to write down whatever the professor was telling. Your mind was still in another dimension but your just automatically wrote everything down that you got a glimpse of. You could feel Jungkook’s stare from the other side of the room, yet you didn’t act on it. It burned holes into your ski but you stayed focused - or at least you tried to.

Throughout the whole lecture you could feel his gaze on you, so when class was finally over, you quickly grabbed your things together and ran out of the lecture hall. Almost running into your boyfriend who was waiting in front of the door, Jimin grabbed your wrist before you could splash the second coffee all over both of you.

“Wow there, slow down”, he laughed and placed a small kiss on your lips, handing you the coffee. 

You grabbed it thankfully, shooting him an apologetic smile and embracing him in a tight hug. That was all you needed in that moment. No coffee, no nothing. Just Jimin holding you tight.

He sensed that and pulled you close, still standing in the middle of the hallway, softly caressing your back, placing a kiss on top of your head. You stayed like that for a while before you looked up at him and gently smiled.

“Thank you”, you spoke, making him look a little lost.

“For what?”, Jimin asked and raised an eyebrow.

You chuckled. “Everything.”

That’s when a huge smile spread across his face, pulling you close into his arms again and softly rocking you from side to side, holding you like you were his world.

And you were. 

“Jimin!”, you called for him from your bedroom, looking at yourself in the mirror while adjusting the tight dress, already looking for a pair of shoes to wear.

His figure appeared in the door frame a second later and he looked at you questioningly. “What’s up?”

You stopped in your tracks and pulled another dress out of your wardrobe.

“Which one should I wear tonight? This black one from when we ate dinner with your parents in that really fancy Italian restaurant or the red one that I’m wearing right now?”, you turned to face him and saw his face. 

“When did you get this dress (Y/N)?”, his eyes were big and mouth slightly open, hands scratching his neck - a habit he had when he was nervous. 

“Mhh I don’t quite remember”, you said while he bit down on his lips, gaze wandering up and down your body. But boy, did you remember....

“(Y/N) have you seen m-”, Jungkook stopped in his tracks as he stepped into your bedroom, seeing you standing there in the gift he got you.

“I see you already tried your Valentine’s gift on”, he smirked before placing his bag down onto the floor and making his way over to where you were standing. His hands gently caressed the material of the dress, following your curves, exploring it as if it was all new to him. 

You hummed in response and turned back to the mirror in front of you, Jungkook holding you from behind. A smirk was placed on your lips as he started leaving sloppy kisses on your neck, biting down every once in a while.

“You know, I was wondering if this dress was maybe more of a gift for yourself than for me”, you jokingly teased, making him smirk onto your skin before sliding his hands down your body to the hem of the dress.

“I’m not gonna lie, it is a pretty convenient gift don’t you think? You get something new to wear as you always complain that you don’t have enough nice things to wear and I get to look at you in it”, cocked his eyebrows at you. “And occasionally taking if off of you again”, he winked into the mirror, making you laugh and turn to face him again.

“I thought you had practice tonight”, you smirked, letting your index finger slide down his toned chest covered by one of his typical white shirts. Purposely you pressed your body against his, letting him feel every single curve of yours.

“They won’t mind if I’m late. After all it’s still Valentine’s Day and we didn’t get to the best part of today yet, did we?”, he leaned in before you could answer but you knew you didn’t need to answer. He knew your response anyway.

Hand in hand you stepped into the restaurant, your heels clacking on the floor while the waiter led the way to the already full table. Heads turned to the two of you but you tried your best to ignore it. Jimin squeezed your hand, sensing how uncomfortable you were feeling. You looked at him and he smiled at you reassuringly, making a smile appear on your lips as well.

As you arrived on the table, everybody greeted you happily before you sat down on the bench side, next to Hoseok who was already smiling at you brightly, making you feel more at ease than you would have thought. He was he definition of an angel and could make anybody happy, no matter in what kind of mood they were in. 

Jimin was sat to your left, so when you accidentally kicked someone’s feet underneath the table while adjusting your seating position, your gaze automatically shot up to dramatically apologize until you met his eyes.

He looked at you as if he was trying to take a mental photograph, regret washing over his face and small tears well up before he could blink them away.

“You look really beautiful tonight (Y/N)”, he complimented you, while holding eye contact, searching for something specific in your eyes. 

“You really do (Y/N! I really love your dress, where did you get it from?”, the girl from your lecture, his girlfriend, asked you. An honest smile was plastered on her face and she seemed sincerely interested.

You smiled back at her. “Thank you! Sadly, I don’t remember where I got this from... I think it might have been a gift or something”, you smiled apologetically and she shrugged before turning her attention back to Taehyung who was sitting on her other side.

As your gaze wandered away from her you noticed Jungkook’s expression. His jaw was clenched, hands hidden under the table but you were sure they were tensed as well. His eyes full of hurt, he glared at you before sinking his look and you noticed a small tear rolling down his cheek that he was quick to wipe away before anybody else noticed. 

At his sight, your heart started to ache like it was about to burn down in flames and every inch of your body longed for his touch. You wanted to comfort him and tell him that of course you did remember. That you could never forget, not him and not anything he had done for you.      

You flinched when Jimin placed his soft hand on your thigh, making you turn your attention to him. 

“Are you okay?”, he asked concerned, motioning to your tensed posture. 

“Yes Chimchim, I’m fine”, you faked a giggle, making him sigh in relief and place a soft kiss on your lips before turning his attention back to Jin who had started to tell his famous jokes. 

You shot Jungkook one last look before turning to Hoseok and starting a conversation with him. You had to distract yourself otherwise you’d go crazy in a matter of minutes.

You hoped that Jungkook would do the same. Distract himself. Do something else than stare at you throughout the whole night.

Jimin couldn’t find out. Nobody could find out.

©jiminelli

[jess-oh]

reflection

hey journal, rachel has been living with me for the past couple days now and she's good company! im really looking forward to spending the rest of this week with her. i think im going to be pretty sad when she leaves but God, I trust you. Thank you for allowing us to have this time together and grow together on a deeper level. of all the people in new MAST, im glad i get to work with Rachel. I probably trust her the most rn. i feel pretty bad bc i tried to stay up last night in case Rachel woke up so we could start venting to each other but I ended up falling asleep around 8 or 9pm and didn't wake up again til 3:30am. I flaked on our session T 0 T but hopefully we can do it tonight! i think we both just feel physically and mentally exhausted yesterday so maybe unpacking everything tonight will lead to better, clearer results. im also realizing that i hate giving all the time without ever feeling like im receiving. even when i do receive, i dont really believe it's happening and don't understand the effort being made on other people's parts when they do give to me and it just feels off. maybe it's bc it isnt how i envision them giving to me is. i do want to be more appreciative of every moment when people do genuinely want to give to me but it is currently hard for me to understand. like it felt fine when rachel was cooking and cleaning my dishes for me and bc i saw it as not a big thing to clean my dishes, it wasnt that alarming to see her doing it for me. it just made life easier not having to do it myself but there was no real sacrifice being made i guess. i dont want to go home and just be listening to my sister and my parents' complaints all the time. i really feel like nothing will have changed. it was nice not speaking to them for a year and time i needed away from them to learn to be more self reliant and making a community and a life for myself here and away from them. i dont want to live the same life and be stuck in the same cycle over and over and over again. i keep ending up feeling miserable and burnt out in the end. i need to change something to make it different this time. i dont want to be defined by the ways that i felt hurt in the past. i dont want to be defined by how much i feel like i need to work in order to prove myself. i want to learn and understand how to rest and just be present and be with God. I keep feeling so alone and I don't want to be anymore. I want to learn and know and be willing to move forward and make something different so that I can serve better and be used by God better. I want to be able to stand up and defend and challenge the community to be more like Christ. I want to stand firm in my faith at church, at school, in public. I want to be able to rest in my identity in Christ, knowing that He is always on my side and I don't have to worry so much about everything else in the world. I do genuinely want to be able to fall down but not feel like I have to get back up for the sake of helping others. I want to be able to fall down and stay down and take my time getting back up instead of just forcing myself to be okay. I hate that I experienced a drive by shooting and being basically abused by my roommate this past year. They were both absolutely horrible, awful experiences that I really do not wish on anyone else. And I am so upset that I had to go through those things this past. Honestly, even recently, I have been bitter again towards God's for continuing to bring so much pain and hardship. I resent Jason because I feel like I can't get along or try to be friends with anyone he's had a falling out with in the past without feeling like I'm not being loyal to him. I know he feels alone and I want to stand firm and strong by his side so that he knows he isnt alone and that I will at least always be there for him. But that has kept me from feeling totally present and open with Angela, Chelsea, Yaeji, Cecilia, Joyce, Jiham, Songbee, Anna, Jiwoon, sometimes P. Josh, and I'm sure even more. It sucks. I feel like I'm being kept from making deeper relationships with people that I could potentially get along really well with because I'm trying so hard to stay loyal to Jason. And plus, I feel like whenever I have expressed concern or given him an issue that I need help dealing with or just someone to listen to, he is always quick to answer in an incredibly blunt manner. And sometimes, the challenge is a good wake up call for me to get up and keep going and do something about it instead of just wallowing in my pain and guilt. But other times, I just end up hurt. And again, he almost never apologizes! Even if I tell him he hurt me, he doesn't apologize! He just takes it as something to be assessed and logically figure out where to go from here. How did I not notice these things before? Was I just afraid to lose the few people that I did trust that I was afraid of ever seeing their true colors? Of actually seeing them for who they are instead of this perfect mirage I wanted them to be? And I always feel like I'm doing to my best to defend other people but because he's already so hell-bent on being cynical and pessimistic, he doesn't listen or even try to understand my point or that I may be right and he just isn't giving them the benefit of the doubt. I keep trying to do better in my relationship with him but in the end, I feel like I keep getting knocked down anyway and it leaves me to believe that I'm doing something wrong and need to learn to do better but maybe it's been his fault a lot of the times too. I was just too blind to notice or see. I don't want to be on bad terms with him. I don't want to hate him. I do really value him so highly as a friend and we've fought enough times whilst still maintaining our friendship together. But this is so frustrating and I can't move on from her at this pace. I need to break this cycle and change something. Anything. It was so hard for us to have a serious, normal conversation at all but then we talked it through, toned down the joking, and have started to move forward from there. I think also just because I've probably shared the most of my insecurities and inner most thoughts with him, I trust his opinion because he has all the facts laid out. And, he gets along with so many people that he's reached out to bc of his genuine character and pure intentions. Many people that I tried to reach out to but failed at. If he can do that and they see him as so great, he must be a great person, right? Are we just too close? Are we too comfortable with each other and I'm just left seeing all the excess ugly stuff that he doesn't show the rest of the world? He seems genuinely unhappy and bitter but I also don't know how to help him anymore without it taking a cost at myself. Or even if I'm willing to pay that cost, I don't even know what to do anymore. Sigh. I'm glad I have the opportunity to think more about this and process and reflect everything now that it's the summer. I want to keep this up and continue to document and flesh out all the thoughts and things running around in my mind. Johnathan messaged me earlier today to ask if I was able to rest well. I was surprised he decided to reach out and check up to see how I was doing. I didn't talk to Amanda at all yesterday. I saw her but I didn't even say hi.I texted her on the train this morning though and asked if she'd be down to get some coffee together today after her class. I want to be friends with her again. But not like this. I need her to know how I feel. Even if there's not much she can do about it to help the situation, I at least want to hear her side of the story. Or at least just let her know. If I don't tell her, I think my resentment towards her will always be in the back of my mind, silently lingering, slowly growing. I need to fix this now before it's too late. So, again. I'm upset with Amanda because I feel like I tried so hard to invite her to becoming more involved with Movement in order to be a part of the community. I was just a member my sophomore year and didn't ever make that much of an effort to get involved and as a result, I was definitely not a part of the community. I felt like I needed to get involved in order to be a part of it. And I didn't want Amanda to suffer the same fate I did as a sophomore and feel like she wasn't a part of Movement—especially as someone that was here before and is now in a ministry filled with a bunch of people she's never met before. I tried so hard to invite her so she wouldn't feel like such an outsider. But she almost never came. And, it really broke my heart when we were trying to plan for senior banquet and realizing that no one really knows Amanda that well. And I am really happy people have gotten to know her better recently. But when I found out no one knew her, I really felt like I needed to make sure people did and present the necessary opportunities for that to occur. Whether that was pushing her to do certain things or have to interact with people or whatever else. But then, the few times Johnathan asked her to come, she came. Why was me asking never enough but for him, it was so easy for her to be convinced to come? Is it just because we're on summer break and she doesn't have to worry about so many classes and the workload that comes with it? Does it even have anything to do with Johnathan at all?And, she is so incredibly loved and adored by the NU collective and has had such an easy time getting along with them and being accepted into the community. She never even came. I tried to come so much more often than she ever did and I never felt like I was at that level of acceptance. I still feel excluded and left out from the ministry a lot. What was so different about her that I didn't have? And finally, I'm upset she's dating Johnathan now. Not because that itself is inherently wrong or that there's anything wrong with him. I'm just upset because it shows me that they're moving on. And because I'm still in Movement, I feel like I'm still stuck in the past. And I know that that isn't true. It's in my hands now to take the baton that they've passed onto me and run at full speed ahead forward, bringing Movement to a brighter future. I do, genuinely, want to leave it knowing that it will continue to grow in the right direction. And I know that it'll take a lot of effort and sacrifice on my part. And I do genuinely want this. I just don't want to feel like I'm alone in trying to fight for this better future. I want to know that other people are serving with the same goal as me. That we are all trying to make Movement a better place and are willing to take the time and energy and make the necessary sacrifices to make that a reality. It's a lot and it's asking for a lot but if we're serious about making Movement a more God-centered ministry that is actively trying to raise each other up and keep each other accountable in becoming more Christlike, then it's something we need to do. I just don't even want to care anymore. No wonder Jason's more burnt out than I am. He's been doing this for a year longer than me and somehow found the strength to keep going and serving. And still, no one bothered reaching out to him or getting to know him. I think Movement as a community never felt the need to make the effort in reaching out to us as MAST because we explicitly signed up to voluntarily serve the community and learn to be disciples so that we could make disciples. But at the end of the day, we're only human too. We want to know we're not just people you see as someone whose responsibility it is to serve you. We want to know that we are someone you see as a friend. As a brother or a sister in Christ. Not just someone whose sole responsibility is to take care of you. Maybe that's why I'm so upset now. Because I'm caught in this weird in between area where I did have community with old MAST but now they're leaving and moving on with their lives. I need to learn to let go of them and find community in new MAST now. But because none of them were on old MAST, I don't feel like I have community with any of them. Especially with Joyce, Sean, and David, I still feel like they're people I need to serve. That I can't show my true colors to because I'm just expected to serve them. And I do, genuinely, want to trust them and be able to serve alongside them. And know that I can find community with them. But as of right now, I can't. I feel like I need to serve them and lead them in the right direction as the only continuing MAST member. Give them tips and advice on small group leading and how to hold themselves and everything else. Reasons to keep going when it seems hard. Ways to challenge them and and to do better. But I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting this fight by myself. Like the only person I can rely on is me. Even with P. Josh, I do genuinely love and trust and respect him so much. But, it really breaks my heart whenever I see him so discouraged and I want to do my best to change the culture in Movement so that he doesn't have to feel that way again. Or at least just not as often. I started going to bible studies and prayer meetings just to make sure at least one person showed up. Because if he was already discouraged to only see me come, how awful would he feel if no one decided to come. And I really don't want him to feel that way. He doesn't believe Movement has actually grown all that much. At least not spiritually. I believe we have grown a lot. Maybe not spiritually but at least that community aspect is starting to get there. It's better than nothing. And the 5 of us in MAST this past year did definitely grow maturity wise, mentally, and spiritually. We have grown in our faiths and matured and that's a result of him. We were able to live out these characteristics and newfound values because of the ways he led and taught and discipled us to be. We have grown. Maybe not as much as he might've wanted but we did grow. And even if people suddenly came out the last couple meetings just because it was the last one, at least people came and could hear and learn about the Bible and pray for the nations. Better they came, even if it was for the wrong reasons, than not at all. I am the happiest when I don't care. When I interact with people without worrying about how it might be affecting them. When I just act as unapologetically me as I can. And I usually get along much better with people when I do present myself like that. maybe things wouldnt have been so bad if the whole Eunice thing didn't happen. Everyone was quick to turn on her but I wanted to really try and hear her side of the story. I saw her as the victim that I needed to reach out to. But she hurt a lot of people and I don't think I ever took the time to really try and understand everyone else's perspective and their side of the story. At the end of the day, whatever her reasons were for pretending to be a student at NU, she betrayed and hurt a lot of people. That was the bottom line. And she needs to own up to her actions and acknowledge that would she did was wrong and apologize for it. No one will ever be able to move on if she doesn't. What happened with her is something we choose not to address and just ignore that it happened. I can't even imagine how stressed P. Josh must've been trying to navigate that whole situation and especially for something that drastic to happen during his first year. He had a rough first year and still decided to stay and try and salvage Movement. And look at where we are now as a result. Thank you, P. Josh. Truly. I'm surprised Jason said that Movement was so great for him his first year of serving with Angela. It was his everything and he loved it. I just assumed he also had an equally bad time as me but maybe because of the Northwestern life group, he felt differently. He's been so bitter towards everyone recently so I just assumed it had always been bad from the start. I guess I was wrong. We're not the same person at all. And we had very different experiences. And now we're both here now. And it's time to let go and move on. God, please give me the strength and the courage to confront Amanda today and express all these feelings that I have towards her. Please let us just get and have everything out in the open and leave no words left unsaid. Thank you. I pray this all in your name,Amen.