#but really close to the present so like. within three years of the present probably

[solbaby7]

Wanting You, Wanting Me

pairing: azriel x reader

based off an anonymous request- got carried away but I tried to stay within the guidelines; this was actually a really cute concept

warnings: angst at first but it gets fluffy towards the end, swearing, jealousy, mutual pining, mentions of nightmares, sleep deprivation, probably some typos

summary: Silent yearning only remains silent for so long when you suspect your crush likes your best friend instead

--

Elaine was like flowers budding in the Spring; new and fresh, full of promise and beauty. She was kind and caring, compassionate and soft-spoken, dainty and slender—all the pretty things that males loved in women.

Or maybe it was just her.

Because you were fairly new and fresh too; just barely in your twenties and full on the idea of life and love and everything in between. Maybe you weren’t as kind, not as nice or welcoming; you didn’t always have the right words and in lou of sounding stupid or making a fool of yourself, you stayed quiet.

Watching; observing, learning the family around you as you navigated your place in it. Everyone already had their role; playing their parts as if they’d been trained their whole lives for it and even Feyre and her sisters had fallen into a steady rhythm after the Cauldron. But with all the new additions, couples pairing up and friendships pre-established a hundred years before you were even a thought—your place there seemed less clear.

Especially since Azriel had started paying such special attention to Elaine and her annoyingly beautiful garden and the plants that seemed to thrive tenfold at the mere sight of her.

You didn't mind at first; the three of you falling into a steady rhythm of hanging out together, taking walks and sharing stories but somewhere along the lines he stopped looking at you when he'd laugh. Envy builds for a woman too kind to deserve it and it makes you feel even worse--masking your distaste with soft smiles that you hoped looked as welcoming as hers.

You can’t even help the turn your thoughts take but no matter how much envy fills you; there’s not one con that presents itself when regarding her.

It becomes subconscious, the way you mimic her; fixing your posture, hands reaching to push back strands of hair and smoothen out the fabric that the soft curve of your stomach. Silently nitpicking parts of you that you’d never considered wrong before but that had to be when everything Elaine had got was so right.

He walks in like you’ve summoned him, steps silent and sure. “You’re up early.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” You mutter a beat too late, only realizing he was regarding you when you’d finally glanced up over the book in your hands.

You’re acutely aware of his every move, the radiating warmth of his body contrasted by the cool kiss of his shadows sifting through your hair when he leans over the back of the couch. The smell of his soap reaches your nose when he leans in, hazel eyes skimming over the pages you're reading and you thank the good Mother above that you’d gotten past the naughty scene three pages ago; where the good guy who pretends to be bad slides his fingers between the maidens thighs, urging her to be silent as he worked her over through her clothes while being surrounded by a whole camp full of males and a looming threat lingering somewhere in the trees. “Bad dreams again?”

You pray he doesn’t catch the slight uptick of your heart rate, the closeness forcing your body to react without permission and it takes great effort not to tear the delicate pages under the pressure of your fingers alone. “Something like that,” You grit out, reminded of the nightmares that assaulted your slumber; the sight of Elaine and Azriel—kissing. Enough to rip you awake and force you to empty all of your stomach contents; you’d just barely made it to the bathing chambers, hairs sticking to your cheeks and nightgown damp with sweat as you leaned into the toilet.

You still hadn’t been able to keep anything down; stomach too unsettled and brain spiraling enough to distract away any signs of hunger.

“She’s been getting them all week,” Elaine softly adds, fingers busy with her knitting needles and yarn; a new blanket for you to add to the giant collection neatly folded your closet. “—won’t drink the tea I made for it though.”

“Because the tea makes them worse and then I wake up from them with my body still paralyzed,” You’re quick to say, familiar with your best friends tactics in divulging important information to the shadowsinger to ensure you actually did something about it—that you took care of yourself. “I’ll happily keep just the bad dreams.”

Azriel's not even looking at you anymore though, already rounding the couch to sit beside Elaine, ball of yarn rolling between them and you can’t help but stare. “Tell me more about this tea?”

“I make it from the plants in the garden,” She points at the window behind them, pale green yarn still wrapped around her finger. “Camomile and ginseng and usually it helps but she just reacts to it differently.”

Azriel hums and you hate the way the words make you feel; like there was another thing setting you apart from the others and this perfect life that didn’t seem capable enough to hold room for all of your imperfections. You don’t wait to hear anymore, steps light and hands quick to stick your bookmark in place and collect your tea cup before you’re gone and down the hall; tears burning in your waterline.

Because, you were sure that if you had to sit there and watch them a second longer you were going to scream.

Scream at Elaine for being so sweet and gentle; so knowledgeable and helpful and certain that it was you that was the issue and not her stupid herbs grown in her stupid garden. You wanted to scream at Azriel until you were blue in the face, listing off every single thing you've ever done to show that the thing between you was way more than just friends. How he was everything and you know that maybe you weren't perfectly skinny like Elaine was but you'd always found great beauty in things that were different.

You can’t tell if you’re happy or not that no one comes to check on you the whole four hours it takes for you to relax; binging the entirety of a book until you were too focused on someone else's life to focus on your own and only once you'd finished the book in it's entirety were you forced to leave the room in search for the one that followed.

The library is empty when you enter, only a few lights still burned and you’re already murmuring soft words to yourself while you search around for what your looking for, fingers bumping over the slides of books; their engraved titles all unique and beautiful and probably interesting but still not quite right. It takes some time but you’re certain you’ve found it, a few rows higher than you can reach but it’s easy to drag over a chair for assistance. "Come on," You mutter, nose scrunching with strain as the tips of two fingers graze the burgundy spine. You’re prepared to jump and pray the chair doesn’t collapse beneath you when the book simply slides out and floats down to you, cool shadows twirling up the length of your arm as if to stabilize you as you step down. “I didn’t need help,” You grumble without looking at your savior, the weight of the book now in your palm and excitement swirls at the thought of more.

“You never do.”

You don’t mean to be so snappy but the sleep deprivation takes a toll and it was becoming harder to distinguish truth from dream; your brain always stuck on his mouth leaning in for Elaine’s and the anger that ensues is all consuming. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Azriel shrugs, sighing as if he knows how this conversation will end and in no way will he ever come out on top. “I don’t know—just don’t get why you wouldn’t have told me you haven’t been sleeping.”

“Because, Az, what would you have done? Help Elaine make me tea’s? No, thanks.”

Confusion spreads on handsome features, hazel eyes fierce even with his lids lowered. “What does Elaine have to do with any of this? Because she told me?”

The breath you let out is heavy, defeat settling in once you realize the hole you’d been digging yourself and it’s a struggle to heave yourself out and drag the chair back to its original spot but Azriel’s there in seconds. He’s quiet; waiting for an answer as he takes it from your hands. “No,” You concede, all fight leaving when it was a one-sided battle. “She doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s fine—I’m just tired.”

“Then sleep,” He urges softly. “I’ll stay with you.”

“I can’t.”

You can’t even focus on the words of your page under his stare. You’ve read the first line six times over and you still haven’t fully processed it. The thought of him being nearby as you slept, the thought of his eyes on your body in nothing but a nightgown and your hair free from all its carefully done braids. “Can you tell me what you’ve been dreaming about?”

His brows raise when you suck in a sharp breath, cheeks flinching at the suggestion and you shut the book altogether. “I’d really rather not.”

“What’s so bad you can’t tell me about it?" Azriel's hand covers your own, voice so soft it hurt. "You tell me everything.”

Your heart thumps so hard in your chest you can hear it in your ears, your free fingers fumbling against the other under the table and you can't refrain from the nervous chuckle that pulls free. There's a second where you want to just tell him; to confess your feelings and how much you loved the way he was looking at you but fucking hated how you knew that look wouldn't stay if Elaine walked in. The reminder of her alone makes your body deflate, gaze going far off and Azriel's concern only grows when you stay quiet too long to be normal.

The cool touch of a shadow grazing your cheek pulls you out of it. "I suppose this just isn't worth telling."

It's not the answer he wanted, that much is clear by the frown that tugs on full lips, the wings that tuck in tighter and you want nothing more than to give him everything he'd wanted and more to get his face to stop looking at you like that but before you can say another word, another person enters. "Sorry to interrupt, I was just looking for you.

His eyes instantly go to her, hand pulling away from your own and attitude seeps out when you regard her. "Well, you found me."

Elaine's eyes bounce between you and Azriel as if she could feel the tension in the room that held so thick you could cut it with a knife. Her voice is hesitant when she begins, a steaming pot held in hands covered by thick oven mitts. "I made a new recipe for the tea," You don't even hear the carefully curated list of herbs she rattles off, informing their uses and how well they work together but you can't stop shaking; chest tightening at the way Azriel watches Elaine gracefully flit about the room and you can't stop thinking about how quickly he pulled away his hand. "It's really strong so you can't have too much but the madja said that it would help with the sleeping and the paralysis."

You couldn't of cared less, snatching the kettle from her grasp and in your anger you can’t even hear her gasp, can’t feel the burn of the boiling handle against your palm as you pour a mug so thick it nearly spills over the top. “Thanks, Elaine. Really, I hope it knocks me out for a week.” You don’t stay to take in the worry on Azriel's face or the hurt that laced your friends features. Your book is tight in your grasp and you’re halfway down the hallway when you feel your palm begin to throb.

Your bedroom door shuts with a slam, pure frustration pulsing through your whole being and you can feel it ebbing from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. A sigh pulls when you take an angry sip, it burns your tongue, slightly bitter but it was eased with a little sugar and a teaspoon of honey.

Guilt swells at the kind gesture and your misguided anger; Elaine had only been trying to help, making things to quell the dreams she didn’t even know were centered around her and man you loved but didn't love you back. It weighs on you as you change into your night clothes, smoothening ointment and wrapping thick gauze around your burn; there was no blistering but the angry red mark was sure to remain there for quite some time.

You try to distract yourself, silently sipping as you read your book.

It’s alarming how quickly you relax, the giant mug nearly empty when your book slips between your fingers and thuds to the floor, body slumping into the sitting chair and you don’t even have enough time to drag a blanket over yourself before your eyes flutter shut and sleep takes over.

And this time, you didn’t dream.

There was only peaceful silence and maybe an uncomfortable pressure in your chest that it came and went in waves; too grateful for the relief that settled in your bones to care. It was like you were sinking, body slowly falling into a sea of cushion and comfort and you’d have been willing to stay there forever.

Your brows furrow when a noise pierces through the silence; eyes squinting in the darkness to find the source but the harder you try to make it out, the darker the rooms gets. A hand rubs against your chest, the pressure coming back and this time it’s so hard it makes you cough, eyes clenching shut and it’s like that was the switch to wake you up.

Azriel is leaning over you, hands on your chest and cheeks red with exertion when you cough and cough, soul aching to return to the peace—that silence where there were no dreams. “Why’d you wake me up?”

“Wake you up?” His voice holds no more room for placating to your wants; hands shaking at his sides and it’s then you see the fear. “You didn’t have a pulse. I came to check on you and you were—“ Azriel clears his throat, voice cracking with his clothes disheveled and full lips firm in a straight line as he stood before you, crouching down to meet your eye level. “Tell me right now, what were you dreaming about that was so bad that you were willing to die to stop them.”

Your chest heaves as you take in air, a ringing begins in your ears and you back away; avoiding the words, the conversation—the sight of his mouth on hers. “I can’t.”

“You can and you will."

"Azriel—"

Az groans at your tone, turning his entire body away as if he physically couldn't bear hearing another aversion; another lame excuse as to why you couldn't tell him what was going on when you always did. "Do you not trust me? Is that it?"

“What?”

You'd never seen him so upset, eyes blazing and wings rustling in his frustration as he stood. "I'm just listing shit at this point because all I've done is try to be there for you—me and Elaine, and you just keep pushing us away."

"Oh, please," You snap back, gaining the strength to stand and the ache in your chest only gets worse and you begin to wonder just how long he was on top of you breathing air into your lungs and willing breath to stick with the push of his hands. "If Elaine's around, I might as well just walk right out of the room because that means you'll be otherwise occupied shoving your head up her ass."

"You sound ridiculous." He lets out a gruff laugh, arms crossed over his chest. "Are you jealous or something?"

"It's clear you have feelings for her. I get it—she's perfect and pretty and skinny and obviously you like that sort of thing but don't stand here and pretend you even notice I exist with her there." There's no taking back the words and you don't even care to look into the way his brows furrow at you, words punching at him a mile a minute as a dam breaks and days and weeks and months worth of emotions rage forward with no signs of stopping. "How couldn't I be jealous? When it’s so obvious that you love her and not me.” It feels pathetic to say out loud, hands crossing over yourself as you did your best to remain strong; to get through the feelings even though your skin was on fire and you couldn't stop fidgeting. "That's what my dreams have been about. Why I've been missing sleep and hiding things from you because every time I close my eyes all I can fucking see is you and her."

You don't even realize how much distance you'd been putting between you two, subconsciously searching for a way out when Azriel inevitability let you down easy. "You love me?" Words die on your tongue, feelings laid bare and vulnerabilities left out for his viewing pleasure; eyes like drops of gold boring into you as you gently nod. He sinks onto the edge of your bed, a breathless laugh emitting as scarring fingers traced over the soft fabric of your duvet. "The only reason I started talking to Elaine in the first place is because you and her had gotten so close and I wanted an excuse to be around you."

Your brows furrow, lips parting in confusion and the nerves begin to fade. "No."

Azriel's head nods once, settling into the fell of your room and the little trinkets you'd kept close on the nightstand; pictures neatly framed and resting on books you favored a little more than the others on the shelves. Hand sculpted vases made from blown glass that scattered rainbows across the room when the sun shone through the curtains to feed the bright flowers inside of them. "Yes, but you kept leaving and I thought it was because you weren't interested."

"But, I thought—"

"I think it's safe to say we both were off in our assumptions."

It feels like a dream and not the kind you'd been running away from but the one you'd been sinking and falling into earlier before Azriel had pulled you back. The one that felt like peace and comfort and something like hope begins to brew in your belly when you dare you look him in the eyes. "You like me?"

Azriel's features soften, the fear and worry from before a thing of the past when he stood and walked towards you, shadows kissing at your legs when warm knuckles grazed your cheek. "I love you," He corrects gently, his touch like home and its instinct the way you close the proximity. You can feel his heartbeat on your chest, the strong muscles of his arms itching to be traced and a smile forms at the blush that forms on the tops of his ears under your attention. "—and those smutty little books you've been reading."

His chest is hard when you jokingly smack it, cheeks going hot and eyes darting to the book laid forgotten on the floor. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

The lie doesn't deter him and neither does the little gasp that pulls free when he gently forces you to look up at him, hazel eyes trained on your mouth and the tongue that darts out to wet plush lips. "I'll pretend I believe that if you just shut up and let me kiss you."

Maybe reality was better than dreaming.

Because this time, when he leaned down with intent to press his mouth against another’s for a kiss—it was with you.

[chaoticbardlady99]

She’s My Religion (Part 2: She Needs This Love Just as Much as Me) Astarion x F! Reader

Author note- totally not sure how I feel about this, but here we go! I hope someone enjoys this lmao.

I’m really tired and so this has been edited once and I’ll add the link for part 1 later. If you asked to be on my tag list- I am going to be adding you tomorrow simply because I can barely keep my eyes open right now.

CW: Domestic violence, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mentions of torture, violence, angst.

Picture does not belong to me and is not mine. I cannot for the life of me remember where I got it so I apologize in advance.

“You’ve been doing WHAT!?”

Astarion sits staring at the forest with his head hung with guilt and shame. Shadowheart sounds furious with him and admittedly, Astarion is also raving mad at himself.

Astarion miscalculated terribly- his plan was completely, utterly doomed from the start. Shadowheart is pacing back and forth in front of him- reading him the right act.

Astarion is zoning out as Shadowheart goes on and on saying all the things he’s already said to himself- he begins to drift to the first time he had ever met you about three years ago.

Astarion had been in solitary confinement for what had felt like forever when Cazador let him out. It was probably the only time Cazador had looked somewhat close to nervous with some sick twisted affection behind his eyes. He simply told Astarion he was to accompany you around the grounds and that you needed to be treated with respect. Your step-father did not want you to be present after dinner.

“You are allowed to take her to do what she wants- within reason. Do not let her leave the mansion grounds and make sure she is content,” Cazador said stiffly, “I am trusting you, boy. You know the consequences if you step out of line.”

Later, before you had arrived, Dalyria had made him privy to you and your… temperaments. Astarion relished in knowing you made a fool out of Petras. Someone needed to give the prick a wake up call.

It was also, supposedly, no secret to anyone in your family that you are the one Cazador wishes to marry, but due to your lack of royal blood, it would ruin his alliance with the Von family entirely. So Cazador is stuck with a woman named Daisy Von (who he cannot stand) and Astarion felt like it was the perfect karma for Cazador- the one time he wants something or someone, he absolutely cannot have it.

You were (still are) wildly different from your obnoxious step-sisters and step-brothers.

“Wild.”

“Rebellious.”

“Boorish.”

“Trouble maker.”

It was all this annoying group of people could seem to talk about- how terrible and horrible you were. What a disappointment. What a nuisance.

Dalyria told him beforehand that this was the norm and that it really only gets more embarrassing for them every time. You were kind, headstrong, ambitious, and beautiful according to Dalyria- when she had stepped in for Petras that night at the last minute, you had treated her like a person. You had asked her about herself, engaged in her hobbies by asking questions, and you had made a point of showing her all the medical books in Bridril Von’s library (you even let her take one, Bridril never goes in the library). Astarion had just stared at her in disbelief- she had to be playing a trick on him.

You stood on the farthest end next to the youngest girl and Bridril had scowled so aggressively, Astarion thought his face may cave in on itself. You are far more captivating than any of Bridril’s children could ever wish to be. No wonder Cazador wants you so badly that he’s willing to do anything to make sure you come over with them or that you show up for dinner at your own home- undeterred by the inability to actually make a proposal for your hand.

You looked positively irritated everytime Daisy opened her mouth and he was too. The woman is dense and over-the-top. Dinner had been awkward and you had barely even touched your food, but drank three goblets of wine- every time Bridril leered at you for getting another glass, a sly smirk would cross your lips. Your own silent rebellion.

Your demeanor and attitude resembled that of a bird trapped in a cage- wings clipped and feathers plucked. It made Astarion feel bitter- in what world were you trapped? You get to live in a nice mansion and go to dinner parties in nice clothes- Astarion just woke up in a TOMB after being in there for WEEKS. How dare a pampered princess such as yourself pretend that you are provided with anything less than perfection.

His bitterness (and biases) hadn’t lasted very long- it lasted for about 5 parties. Your relationship started out with a lot of bickering and miscommunication. Both of your words towards each other were passively laced with venom, but you never complained so he kept being assigned to you. It was never an option really either. Cazador insisted you be a part of every dinner despite Bridril’s grumbling.

The 6th meeting had changed everything. You had not arrived for the party your step-father was throwing and Bridril told Cazador that you were sick before hurriedly rushing off to talk to a local Magistrate. Cazador, naturally, wasn’t satisfied with this explanation so he had sent Astarion to find you.

Astarion had found you sleeping- bloody, battered, and bruised in your bedroom. There was a thick black banded bruise on your neck. The walls were empty, there was only a bedroll in the corner, and the book you had been reading the last time he was there was destroyed and in tatters on the floor. You had woken up when he accidentally slammed the door out of rage and you had looked around disoriented, but skittish and alert all the same. Your eyes softened when you realized it was just him.

You told him you had lost a competition because you hadn’t been sleeping well- too many bad dreams. Bridril had been so embarrassed that he had beaten you for the last several hours before- completely forgetting the mass amount of guests that he had invited to his home that evening. You weren’t allowed to leave your room. Astarion had been wrong. You were a trapped bird in a cage.

It was the one and only time Astarion ever willingly went to Cazador and told him what he had witnessed. You never had a scratch on you again at any future gatherings, but you always looked more tired than the time before. Bridril would boast about all the competitions you had won over the last month- Archery, jousting, mock combats, javelin throwing, etc, etc, etc. The list went on and on- you looked closer and closer to vomiting or keeling over from exhaustion with every activity he named. Life returned to your eyes when you and Astarion went off to dick around.

Escorting you around the Crimson Palace or around the Mansion quickly became his favorite part of those stupid dinner parties or any of the events Cazador threw or went to. You are complex and didn’t grow up in nobility. You despised it, but you were stuck because Bridril had enchanted your mother. You told him she breaks sometimes, but you rarely recognize the woman that pretends to be her nowadays.

You admitted to Astarion you thought he was a pompous bastard when you first met, but he is pretty so you let it slide. Astarion told you that he thought you were a spoiled brat, but because YOU were pretty, he also let it slide.

You had smiled at him, “I guess we are both wrong.”

“But not about being pretty.”

“Oh most certainly not.”

One evening, the two of you had had ‘too much’ fun according to Cazador. You had snuck him into the library and you had sat reading for the entire 6 hour affair. You had asked if it was okay if you sat near him and that eventually led to you leaninging against each other. Astarion had felt like he had been physically, painfully ripped from you when it was time to go. You had kissed Astarion on the cheek before he left and he kissed your hand. Cazador had flayed Astarion for that one night.

Astarion had felt some guilt regarding his resentment toward you after the incident. He knew he wasn’t helping his own situation by giving into your whims and your touch.

If Astarion didn’t know any better, he would think Cazador loved you, but he learned quickly that Cazador’s “affection” for you comes from a place of obsession and possessiveness. You looked like a previous lover of his from a lifetime that Astarion knew very little about. You were different from this woman, but it was not unwelcome in Cazador’s eyes- he has always liked a challenge. He could make you submit.

Cazador had wanted to send someone else to be your escort after you had begun to show an interest in Astarion- this was quickly squashed when you looked like you were going to light Cazador and his entire world on fire if he dared to volunteer another person. He had brought Leon, Astarion, and Dalyria and when Cazador volunteered Leon- you simply said, “No, I want Astarion.”

Cazador was infuriated, but he wanted- no needed you to be happy and to like him. Cazador had told Pale Petras that if he could win your favor, he was sure you’d just willingly come to him and ask to be his consort. Daisy could be thrown out entirely and maybe he’ll have negotiating room. The thought had made Astarion’s stomach turn- he wouldn’t be able to bare watching you become a lifeless consort under Cazador.

However, he always pushed those thoughts away when he was around you so he could stay in a good mood. You would flirt back and forth with Astarion, talk about irrelevant bullshit from the week, the gossip around the mansion, and you both mimicked and complained about how pathetic it was to watch Daisy grovel at Cazador’s feet- a lamb to the slaughter. You referred to the slaughter as being marriage, he referred to the slaughter as Cazador.

It had been a wonderful year of Daisy entirely failing at keeping Cazador’s attention, but she was determined and Astarion admittedly hoped that you may remain a consistent part of his life- the tiniest ray of light to look forward to once or twice a month. And if Cazador marries Daisy? Well, Astarion may never have to be that far away from you permanently.

Then, one night at a party, he had been in the Von mansion’s dining room- Cazador had instructed him to find you. He eventually gave up after he couldn’t and figured you would come to him eventually. Astarion was right, but not in the way he had originally hoped.

You had snuck into the second floor dining area and you locked it behind you. Astarion had been relieved to be in your presence again, but the state you were in… His relief was swallowed up when he had seen how bruised and beaten up you looked. Astarion had surprised you by his presence and you surprised him with your plan. You were escaping and instead of stopping you like a very massive part wanted him too- in spite of Cazador’s command to keep you from leaving the property having been shoved down Astarion’s throat, Astarion helped you tie the rope to propel down the side of the building.

Astarion can still remember the earnest look you’d given him- the way you begged him to leave with you. Gods he wanted to. Astarion remembered all the days that followed after where he kicked himself for not being selfish, but for whatever reason, he didn’t want there to be any way for you to be caught. Astarion knew if he went with you, neither one of you would ever get to know what it means to be free. Cazador would be able to find you through Astarion.

Astarion had told you “no”, struggled to get you to understand between tears, but then you promised him that you would be back. You would kill Cazador and he would be free- you just need him to wait for you. You didn’t know Cazador was a Vampire Lord at the time, but he still believed you. You said give you at least four years- you need time to prepare. He agreed.

Astarion never forgot your promise, clinging to it like a divine wish. There were only 2 more years left- then the Mindflayers kidnapped him.

Astarion had never felt more angry or defeated in his whole life. Astarion would have been free, but now he’s going to turn into a Mindflayer of all things.

Except it had been the best stroke of luck he’d ever had. You were there! In front of him after two years! Your softer noble appearance has been replaced with a scar that shows you dodged just in time to not lose an eye, an Oath of Vengeance sigil plastered to your chest, piercings along your ears, and a large beholder tattoo on your neck. Still beautiful, just far more authentic.

Astarion knows his initial plan to seduce you, sleep with you, and manipulate your feelings was a fucked up one-especially because he knew having you in every way would destroy Cazador without thinking of how it would make you feel. Astarion also acknowledged that a part of him had been doing all this for his own selfish pleasure- no one was in the way of keeping you from getting closer and Astarion didn’t want to have to share your affections with others in camp. And besides, he had been there first.

Oh and Astarion took every advantage of having you to himself. Talking to you, making you laugh, kissing you, being entangled with you while you sleep, drinking from you- fucking you until you only smell of him, leaving bite marks to show you are Astarion’s only.

What Astarion hadn’t anticipated was how much he would also want to be yours. He had been pushing down the feeling for a long time and he always brushed off Shadowheart’s puppy love jokes. Astarion was not smitten with you- he merely knows you and that’s why it’s all so easy. You had shown him simple kindness and you had a history together- you were the obvious choice to go to for protection.

Then the fight with Yurgir happened and Astarion watched you die.

The battle had been hard- brutal even for Astarion’s standards- and the constant bombs being dropped wasn’t helping the situation.

You were up top with Karlach, facing Yurgir head on while Shadowheart and himself tried to pick off the other attackers going after you both.

It had felt like hours, but in reality, what happened next lasted mere seconds.

Yurgir had made you and Karlach lose your balance, but Yurgir was focused on you. Astarion watched in despair as you were flung into the wall, crashing to the ground with a pained scream, a sickening crack, then nothing but blood pouring out of your head. Suddenly, a bomb exploded above you, the rocks began to pour down from the ceiling, and buried you.

The screams that had erupted from Karlach and Shadowheart had snapped him into action. Astarion didn’t remember the rest of the battle, just that it had been a bloodthirsty blur and now he, Karlach, and Shadowheart were clearing the rubble. Astarion had been the one to find you and your face was a bit bruised, the back of your head still seeping with blood, but you looked so peaceful and your skin was so so cold.

When you were completely uncovered, it was evident that you were dead- that this was a job for Withers or a scroll of revivify. Your neck was snapped in half, your limbs were broken- some even shattered. Shadowheart was able to heal and reset your neck so that the whole ordeal was slightly less grotesque. After, he had cradled you in his arms until Karlach and Shadowheart were sure there were no enemies between themselves and the exit.

Astarion had refused to let Karlach take you, holding your broken form against him as his silent tears spilled onto your hushed expression.

You had thankfully not been beyond the point of no return, but Astarion had realized that he needed to have a conversation with you. You are more than an upper hand to him, more than someone fun to tumble around with in his tent- you have somehow become his reason for going forward. Astarion had resigned himself to dying if you weren’t able to be revived. The thought had surprised him after wanting to be free for so long, but would his freedom be worth having if he couldn’t spend it with you? Astarion would rather take his chances and hope you end up together in the same afterlife.

That is what has led him and Shadowheart to having this conversation. Astarion wants to ask you to be something real to each other. Shadowheart had initially been confused, stating that you had “always been real?”, then he told her everything.

Whenever you left Astarion behind, he’d pass the time getting drunk with Shadowheart (if she was left behind). The last time, she had to ask Astarion if his entire conversation catalog is just about you because you were brought up every other word- he had felt incredibly embarrassed, so much so that he had gotten up and hid in his tent.

“Astarion- you never shut up about her, you’ve been following her around like a lost dog since day one- Hells you looked halfway to smitten on the DAMN BEACH!” Shadowheart says with a shrill voice, “What do you mean the entire time up until yesterday that it was all a lie!?”

“It wasn't yesterday only, my favorite wine drunk Sharran” Astarion stated matter-of-factly, “I just… didn’t want to acknowledge that I wanted more. After I first met her, I didn’t see her again for two years- it was bearable, but that had come with the promise of her coming back. She almost didn’t yesterday and I realized that, even after this is all said and done, I don't ever want her to go away. In any capacity.”

Shadowheart shook her head at him, “She’s going to be furious. Heartbroken even.”

“I know,” Astarion says thickly, “but I’m hoping she will forgive me or at least let me prove to her that I’m serious about us.”

You weren’t due back for at least another hour so they had begun working on the speech immediately.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Whatever we are,” you are glaring at him, your voice coated in venom, “or whatever you were pretending I was to you- it’s over.”

No. No. No. NO!

Astarion didn’t think it was possible for his heart to feel like it’s been shattered since it barely beats at all.

It’s over?

It can’t be over! It’s barely begun and you only have half of the story. Astarion knows you’ll listen- you’ll see sense. You have to… right?

“Darling, pl-”

“No! I hate you so much!,” you sob into your hands, his whole body hurts looking at you, “I hate you more than I thought I could ever hate anyone- undead, dead, or alive! I trusted you and you used me for your own gain- so unkindly, go fuck yourself!”

Astarion wants to grab you as you turn around and walk away. He wants to get down on his knees and plead to you- pray to you until you don’t leave him- that you take it back. You’ll give him a chance, even if he loses privileges like getting to hold your hand, cuddle with you at night, or even kiss you for a while, that would be far more bearable than losing you altogether.

Astarion falls to his knees, ruptured and humbled.

“Astarion,” Shadowheart says softly, squatting down in front of him, “it will be okay. She’ll forgive you. She just needs a second, okay? You knew and I knew that this was a toss up to begin with.”

Astarion nodded numbly and got to his feet. Shadowheart gives him a squeeze on the shoulder before going into her own tent and Astarion briskly begins to walk back to his. He makes eye contact with you as Wyll enters your tent and the look on your face when you saw him makes this whole nightmare all too real.

Once he secures the tent flaps, Astarion crawls onto his bedroll and lets the sadness consume him while being surrounded by your scent. This may be one of the worst days he’s ever had in the last 200 years- at least from what he can remember.

If Astarion wasn’t so afraid for your safety, he would have packed up all of his things and headed back to Cazador with his tail between his legs, but he can’t because all that does is put you in danger.

Astarion slowly peels himself off the bed roll and hugs his knees to his chest. He lets himself stare off into nowhere as he lets himself be consumed with the agony and vexation- it’s not like there is any wildlife to go take out his pain on.

Astarion gets up and rolls his shoulders. As much as he wants you, you are done with him and he needs to respect that. Astarion decides he’ll leave you alone, but remain in the background. He’ll stay until you tell him to leave and never return. It will hurt so terribly to not be near you like he was, but he’ll just have to be grateful for the time he did have- the time he took for granted.

Astarion begins to get ready for the long night ahead of him when an open letter on one of his books catches his attention.

It’s addressed to you, torn open and stained with tears. Astarion opens the envelope. He reads the note so many times he feels like he may go on a homicidal rampage. Not only was your mother dead, likely at the hands of your step-father, you are officially considered engaged to be married to Cazador fucking Szarr.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Astarion had waited until morning to try to talk to you again-giving up on leaving you alone. He knows that you have a very long cool down period when your feelings are hurt (he has made this mistake less severely in the recent past). If there is any hope of you hearing Astarion out- it would be today.

Except you had already left with Karlach, Gale, and Lae’zel by the time he has finally built up the courage to leave his tent.

Astarion spent the day with Shadowheart and actually attempted to help with camp chores. Astarion bounced ideas off of her, but he didn’t tell her about the note. It felt like that was information for you to share if you wanted and you probably hadn’t intended on him learning about this information in the first place.

Shadowheart looks at him after awhile, a troubled look on her face. Shadowheart turns towards Wyll.

“Hey Wyll, they should have been back by now right?”

Wyll walks over to Shadowheart and Astarion with the same troubled expression.

“Yes, it was just a quick supply run to Last Light Inn before we take a day to recooperate,” Wyll says slowly, “I’m wondering what has held them up this long…”

Their pondering and questions were quickly interrupted by the sound of foot steps racing towards them.

“SHADOWHEART! HALSIN!”

You and Karlach were screaming their names in unison. Karlach is supporting Lae’zel and Gale is slack against you as you fight to keep him upright. The usually wonderful smell of your blood is now making him ill as you come closer to camp.

Across your sides were long, bloody scratch marks- in fact, there are claw marks all along your arms and your armor. One side of your face has a superficial scratch. Karlach appears to be in better shape, but just as scratched up nonetheless.

“We- we were ambushed by an Absolute Cultist,” Karlach exclaims breathily, “a Fist named Marcus. He was trying to bring Isobel back to Ketheric.”

Astarion watches as you help lay Gale down near Halsin and Shadowheart so they can begin to get to work, Lae’zel being laid down next to him. Shadowheart catches your wrist with her hand and gives you a Superior Healing Potion- the soft smile you offer her makes Astarion think he may have a chance.

Astarion walks back towards his tent and toys with the letter on the counter. Does he bring it up? Does he just bring it back to you and not acknowledge it? What would you even want him to do?

The noise outside had diminished as Lae’zel and Gale were recovered enough to be moved and healed in their individual tents- Shadowheart healing Gale and Halsin healing Lae’zel. It must be an early night for everyone. Astarion takes a deep breath and opens his tent flap, ready to confront you- but it looks like he didn’t have to travel very far to confront you.

There you are, cleaned up now, standing in front of Astarion’s tent looking nervous and heartbroken. In his shock, Astarion offers you his hand and gently pulls you inside, closing the flaps behind you.

“What did I do?” you blurt out, tears streaming down your face as fast as words are coming out of your mouth, “I can be useful again. I can do whatever you need me to- be whoever you need me to be.”

You take a jagged, heart wrenching inhale and he can hear you fighting the lump in your throat.

“I can’t do this alone- I just can’t,” you sob and look down at your feet, “I know what I said. I know I’m a fool for crawling back here begging you to keep pretending, but please. I can be what you need me to be, I promise. I’ll be- perfect for you. Please.”

Astarion bridges the gap between the two of you and puts your face between his hands, guiding your melancholy eyes to his.

“Darling, you have always been perfect. I have never needed you to be anything more or less than what you are. You are a Godsend.”

“Then why?” you whisper, “Why would you practice breaking up with me? What did I do?”

Astarion sits there and looks at you with bewilderment- practicing breaking up with you? He was practicing trying to ask to be with you!

He chuckles despite the tears that are slowly spilling from his eyes, “You insult me, my Love. I have no issues with breaking up with people- I think. Never really had the chance and I had no desire to end our relationship yesterday.”

You look at him with regret and guilt in your eyes. You go to move away from him- evidently worried about him rejecting you and hurting you. He moves with you, not letting you go anywhere and he kisses your forehead, one of his hands moving to the small of your back while the other remains on your cheek.

“What I was trying to tell you, my Dear,” Astarion softly whispers, “is that, regardless of my original intentions, my plan failed terribly.”

“How so?” you whisper in return.

“It was all so simple- seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me. It was easy- instinctive. 200 years of instinct had kicked in. All you had to do was fall for it and all I had to do was not fall for you.”

Astarion traces your bottom lip with his thumb, pulling you into him by pressing into the small of your back. You gasp gently at the contact.

“And that is where my nice simple plan fell apart,” he says woefully, “you’re incredible. You deserve something real. I want us to be something real.”

Your eyes search his face for any signs of ingenuity or deception.

“I do too, more than anything,” you say breathlessly, “but what about everything I said yesterday? Everything I said was terrible.”

“It was,” he ponders, then he says teasingly “if my feelings weren’t so hurt and if I wasn’t the one on the receiving end- I dare say I would have been proud of you.”

“Well I learned my dramatics from the best after all.”

“I didn’t know Wyll was such a great teacher- I’ll have to ask him for tips some time,” he quips.

Your laugh lifts the painful fog that has been smothering him in his tent for the last day. Astarion pulls you down with him into his bedroll, you curl up around him and he spreads the blanket out. You lay your head on his chest and he pulls you into him tightly- inhaling your scent and savoring the thrumming of your pulse underneath his finger nails.

“Those nights when we were together,” you ask, peering up at him with worry, “did they not mean anything to you then?”

Astarion freezes before he releases a deep sigh. This may be the part where you change your mind and he is mentally preparing for it- taking account of the way you feel against him just in case this is truly the last time.

“I don’t know what real looks like,” he confesses, “being close to anyone-any kind of intimacy- was something I performed to lure people back for him.”

He feels you flinch at the mention of Cazador.

“Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels… tainted. Still brings up those feelings of disgust and loathing. I don’t know how to be with someone- no matter how much I’d like to.”

“I care about you deeply- we can be together without having sex for however long you need,” you pause, “you are so much more to me than sex and I adore you for so much more than just your body.”

“Really?” the shock in his voice is blatant.

“Really,” you say with a smile before laying your head back on his chest.

“I don’t know what we’re doing,” he says giddily, running his hands through your hair, “ but I know that this, this is nice.”

You hum in agreement and he draws circles on your back. Astarion basks in your presence and sits in the relief that you are back in his arms again.

“Astarion,” you break the silence, “I have to tell you something- I got a letter. It’s not… good.”

“I know, Darling,” Astarion says tightly, “you left it in here. Unfortunately I let my noisiness get the best of me.”

You both sit in the heavy silence that fills the air.

“I’m to be married off to him, Astarion,” you choke out.

“I won’t let him have you, “Astarion snarls, his voice coming out much harsher than he intended.

“But what if there isn’t a choice? What if it would protect yo-”

“No.”

He is looming over you, you are now flat on your back staring up at him. Astarion feels like a coil ready to spring. If it’s ever between him and you regarding who goes to Cazador- he’d serve a thousand life sentences before he’d ever let that vile man so much as look in your direction.

“Astarion-”

“No,” he says between clenched teeth, “you will not sacrifice yourself for me. I don’t care if you marrying Cazador and being his consort would make me mortal again. You will not be his- he cannot have you.”

You look up at him with bleary, adoring eyes, “okay.”

Astarion kisses your trembling lips and he tastes the tears staining them. Astarion pulls away and strokes your cheek softly. He lays back down and you turn towards him, tangling your hands into his hair, gently detangling it. Astarion rests his hands on your hips, using his fingers to delicately adjust you until your legs are entangled in his.

“My mom is dead, Star,” you say remorsefully “she’s gone. She was all alone and probably so afraid. I never even said goodbye before I left her to her fate- I was a coward.”

The hurt in your voice is raw and bleeding- it breaks Astarion’s heart all over again.

“I am so incredibly sorry for your mother and your loss, Little Love, “Astarion says softly, “but you are not a coward. You did what you needed to do. You were always planning on coming back.”

“I was,” you whisper, “I was going to get her first and then you.”

“Foolishly enough,” Astarion chuckles, “I never lost faith in you. I felt like if anyone could do it, it would be you- the glimpse of sunlight amongst the secondhand embarrassment that is Daisy Von.”

You giggle and press your face into his chest- the vibrations fills his chest with warmth. Astarion is so incredibly happy you are back where you belong- here with him.

“I am hardly comparable to the sun,” you say, “I think I’m a candle. Ordinary, accessible, there when you need it.”

Astarion turns over your words in his head- he agrees with the statement but disagrees with the reasoning entirely.

“You are a candle,” he says slowly, “but a candle has always been a luxury to me. It allowed me to sew or read- to have a tiny piece of my humanity back. It was nice to have a break from the dark, huddled around the small flame.”

He pauses, “ I suppose that is why I am so drawn to you. You make me feel like a person again and you are a luxury I never thought I’d be lucky enough to afford outside of those monthly visits.”

“Well, then I promise I will remain here,” you say with adoration, “your humble candle- for as long as you need me.”

“Be careful what you promise, Little Love,” Astarion teases, “if you aren’t careful, you may be stuck with me for eternity.”

“Gods, I hope so!” you say with flourish, “everyone else is terribly boring and does not appreciate my predisposition for shenanigans.”

“How ungrateful!”

“Entirely ungrateful!” you agree.

Astarion pulls you in for another kiss, a grin forming as you gasp at the suddenness of his actions. Astarion kisses the tip of your nose, both of your cheeks, and your forehead. You settle into him and he strokes your hair- your breathing evens out and you are slack against him.

Astarion takes in your sleeping figure and feels another surge of protectiveness enveloping his body. He doesn’t know how accessible his thoughts are to Cazador, but he hopes Cazador hears this one.

You cannot have her- she is mine.

_________________________________________________

Author note- should I do a part three and four with the Cazador confrontation? I’m torn- let me know your thoughts pleaseeeeee

[umlewis]

lewis hamilton during the press conference on day three of pre-season testing, bahrain - february 23, 2024 (transcript under the cut)

Journalist: "What changed between the summer and the decision to make the call for Ferrari?" Lewis: "Obviously in summer we signed and obviously I, at that time, saw my future with Mercedes, but an opportunity came up in the new year and I decided to take it. It was obviously the hardest decision I think I've ever had to make. Obviously I've been with Mercedes for… I think it's, like, 26 years they've supported me, and we've had an absolutely incredible journey together. We've created history within the sport, and it's something I take a lot of pride in. I'm very proud of what we've achieved. But I think ultimately I'm writing my story, and I felt like it was time to start a new chapter." [time jump] Lewis: "For every driver, I think, growing up, watching the history, watching Michael Schumacher in his prime, I think probably all of us sit in our garage and see the screen pop up and you see the driver in the red cockpit and you wonder what it'd be like to be surrounded by the red. You go to the Italian Grand Prix and you see the sea of red, of Ferrari fans, and you can only stand in awe of that, and it's a team that's not had huge success, really, since… Mostly, obviously, from Michael's days, but since 2007, and I saw it as a huge challenge, and without a doubt… Even as a kid, I used to play on GP2 as Michael in that car, so it definitely is a dream and I'm really, really excited about it." Interviewer: "Lewis, have you ever been to Maranello? Lewis: "I have not. I bought my first Ferrari in 2010, I think. That was my first present to myself. I don't have it anymore, but I didn't get to go during that time. Being with Mercedes, I didn't think it was a good look to go, at the time." Journalist: "Are you on Duolingo already? Are you planning to have lessons? What's the game plan with that? Thank you." Lewis: "In all these years, I've not managed to learn any other languages, so… But of course I will definitely try. I do remember when I was karting in Italy and I was able to pick up a few lines, and so hopefully that will come back to me pretty quickly. But just to go back to, just about the new chapter�� This chapter's still not finished. I'm still 100% focused on delivering for this team this year and trying to finish on a high. That's a big, big goal for me and the team, and I have absolute faith in everyone in the team and, what we've done so far, I think it's great, so I really hope that we are somehow able to close the gap to the Red Bulls, somehow." Journalist: "Can you tell us a little bit about your relationship with Fred? How important was he in your decision? Was he the only guy that could have convinced you to go there?" Lewis: "I've got a great relationship with Fred. Obviously I raced with him in Formula 3, and we had amazing success in Formula 3 and also in GP2, and that's really where the foundation of our relationship started, and we just always remained in touch. And I thought that he was gonna be an amazing team manager at some stage and progress to Formula 1, but at the time he wasn't interested in that, and it was really cool to see him step into the Alfa team, and then when he got the job at Ferrari I was just so happy for him. And I think just the stars aligned. It really wouldn't have happened without him, so I'm really grateful and really excited about the work that he's doing there and… Yeah."

[mx-jinxous]

For @lexirosewrites for this little corroded king universe. Whenever I get around to posting new pieces to this it won’t be in order.

Not betad and also I don’t really write smut so this is the closest I’ll probably get so if it sucks, it’s not my forte.

Gareth shuttered as he splashed through the rain, arms wrapped around himself as he let his feet guide him. He planned on nothing but getting out of that house when his parents found out about Steve and the baby. His dad seemed indifferent, but his mom went on a rampage. She called Steve a whore, demanded that if he wanted to keep his 20-year-old ass in her house then he was to step away from the omega and other alphas. It didn’t take Gareth a second to march out of that house.

So here he was, marching up to an apartment complex, nearly sprinting up the stairs as the maintenance man yelled at him about the water. He should have gone to Eddie’s trailer, or any of the other boys' places, to homes that were excited for their sons, yet his feet led him to the familiar red door that held the only comfort he had. His knock was weak as he shivered, the door opening within seconds, a bright smile on Robin’s face that immediately fell.

“Hey Steve!” She called, the omega joining her to stare at the young alpha dripping and shivering. Before he knew it, Gareth was wrapped in a blanket in Steve’s nest, the omega snuggling him, pressing the alpha into his scent glands. He was hushing him as he ran a hand down the younger's back.

“Hey baby, back with me?” He nodded, words lost as he tucked in close to his omega. “Sweetheart, you’re burning up. Why were you out in the rain if you’re sick.”

“N-t si-k.” He mumbled into Steve’s shoulder.

“I beg to differ. You’re shivering, whimpering, and you have a fever. Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No. Just want to stay with you.” He mumbled, words starting to be more coherent. “You and the baby.”

“Okay, but let me get you something to drink. Then we can cuddle up, maybe talk about what happened.” Another whimper left Gareth, but he didn’t argue as Steve pulled away with a kiss to the younger’s head. It felt like hours before Steve returned with a water glass in one hand, a kiss to Gareth’s cheek once he got settled.

“Take a sip for me and then we can go back to cuddling.” With what little strength he had, the younger sat up and drank from it before falling back in bed. Once it was put up they went back to cuddling, Gareth returning to his scent glands to find comfort where his mind traveled for pain. They laid like that for what felt like hours, the young alpha starting to drift when the sound of the bedroom door opened. He shot up, covering Steve, his body on autopilot to protect his mate. He growled at the intruder that dared to breach their nest, stopping when the scents of the other alpha’s hit his nose.

It was then he saw clearly it was his other mates and returned to Steve’s scent glands without another thought until he felt a hand rest on his shoulder, pulling a whimper from him. “It’s okay Gare-Bear. You want to cuddle?” It was Eddie, his tone coated with worry as he checked the younger's forehead. “You’re burning up. You shouldn’t be playing in the rain when you're sick, silly.” He said, the three climbing into bed the best they could, snuggling the two in the middle.

Gareth didn’t say anything, just tangled his fingers with whoever’s had landed on his hip. The five of them stayed quiet, Eddie’s lips grazing over his neck and shoulders. They were pampering him, like they did for one another on their bad days. Being the youngest and last to present, Gareth is naturally a softer alpha… yet another thing to disgust his parents. Typically an alpha wouldn’t surrender to another or seek comfort from one or their omega, yet the young man couldn’t help but turn into Eddie. He scented him too, hiding from the older man, from the reality that his pack wouldn’t accept them, accept him. An ugly sob fell from his lips, the other men wrapping around him the best they could.

“It’s okay Gare. Let it out.” Steve whispered into his ear, making him cry even harder. He should be comforting his pregnant omega, but instead he's emotional. He wasn’t fit to have a pack, nor his mates.

“They kicked me out.” He cried into Eddie’s ear, tight hands tangled in his crop top. “I didn’t even get a chance to tell them before my mom knew. She ripped into me, insulted you guys, called Steve names. Said if I wanted to stay with you then I’m not welcome in her home. I just walked out without anything.” His voice broke, the arms tightening around him.

“Oh baby, you’re going through rejection sickness. No wonder you’re burning up.” Eddie mumbled, nudging his nose into the fluffy curls.

“Well fuck them! If they want to kick you out of their pack then it’s their loss. You have this pack.” Jeff spoke up, climbing over Eddie and dragging the younger's eyes to face him. “You got us, the baby, Wayne, hell all of our parents. You have a pack still and if they want to kick you out, you’ve got a bigger pack.” Gareth just stared at the other alpha, taken back by the long stream of words that came from the usually silent man. He was what he pictured the perfect alpha to be like, one he wished he could be.

“B-but I’m a shitty alpha. Too moody.” He whimpered, being pulled back into Steve, the omega resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Unless you’re like my dad, you aren’t a shitty alpha. You all are different and perfect alphas, I don’t care what others think. I like the softer side of you, the caring one that’s like a puppy. Fuck your parents if they don’t want to part of your pack, you don’t need them. Their opinion doesn’t matter, just yours.” Steve huffed, cuddling the younger.

A quiet fell over the mates, Steve nipping at Gareth’s bonding gland to comfort them both. The only noise was from Robin letting them know she was going to her girlfriends before leaving them to their pile. It was inevitably broken by the youngest alpha pulling back from Eddie. “My drums and other shit is still at my parents.”

“It’s okay, we’ll get them back.”

“Just sucks.” He whimpered.

“Do you want me to slash their tires?” Freak said abruptly, getting a snort from Gareth.

“We don’t need to bail you out of jail, but thank you Dougie for trying to cheer me up.”

“Then how about I sit on your face and you can go nuts?” Steve’s offer was met with several heavy pheromones filtering through the room.

That’s how Gareth found himself between Jeff and Eddie, the two taking turns cleaning the mess of slick that painted his face with their tongues. Eddie was currently devouring the younger’s mouth, rutting against his front, Jeff mirroring his movements against Gareth’s ass. He could feel both of them were hard and worked up from the whimpers and cries from Steve beside them, his hands buried in Freak’s hair as he led him into his fifth orgasm. The first four had been from Gareth until he had his fill and swapped out with the older man.

Eddie pulled away from Gareth’s mouth to address the two, Jeff taking the moment to crane the younger’s neck and take his turn devouring his mouth. “Still doing okay sweetheart? Need a break?”

“No…maybe.” He huffed, throwing his head back into the pillow. “How are you feeling, puppy?” Steve turned to face the other boys, Freak wrapping around him.

“I’d say horny if this is anything to go by.” Jeff snickered as he broke the kiss, gripping the bulge in Gareth’s pants, causing a moan to escape from him.

“Don’t tease him.” Eddie smirked, pulling the younger boy's head back by his hair, exposing his neck. “Do you want to give me your knot like a good alpha? Make me beg for it until I can’t take it.” This wasn’t a conventional expectation of an alpha, asking another to knot him, but they weren’t conventional in many ways. Gareth did his best to nod, humping into Jeff’s hand. “Let’s get your pants off th-.” They were interrupted by a continuous knock echoing from the front door, a groan leaving Steve.

“God damnit.” He huffed, trying to stand, but Eddie stuck his hand up.

“I’ll go get it, send them away before we get to the main event.” He stole a kiss from Steve before peeling away from the men. He hollered as he marched out of the bedroom, leaving the door cracked enough to give the barest glance at the front door. As soon as it was thrown open, Jeff was up as well followed by Freak, leaving Steve and Gareth alone to question. Glancing out the door at what had caught the others attention, however, they couldn’t see past the three crowding the door.

Gareth wanted to get up and see who drew his lovers away, yet he didn’t want to leave Steve alone in bed. Turning to look at the older man he was met with Steve already wrapping himself in his favorite robe. He was out the door before Gareth could even sit up, the younger boy falling out of the bed when the sheets wrapped around his feet.

By the time he was up, he could hear Steve yelling at whoever was at the door. It wasn’t until he got out of the bedroom did he glance of their visitor and he froze when he locked eyes with his father. The older alphas stopped arguing, noting his attention no longer in them, eyes dragging to Gareth. “Gareth.” He took a step forward into the home, only to be shoved back out by Steve.

“Stay out of my house!” He growled, Eddie stepping between them.

“You heard him.”

“Please, I just want to speak to my son.��� His father begged, this time a growl escaped the alphas.

“You’ve said enough! You kicked him out so leave him alone!”

“How’d you even find us?!” Jeff gripped his fist, ready to lash out.

“I talked with Wayne to see where you boys were. Took a hell of a long time to get him to trust me. Look, can I just talk to my son for five minutes and that’s it. If he doesn’t want to talk to me after that then I’ll leave.”

“No, you’ll leave now or I’ll have the chief here to arrest your ass!” Steve yelled from behind Eddie, trying to get past the oldest man, only to be restrained by Freak.

“Five minutes, that’s it. Then you get out.” Gareth said, arms crossed as he stepped forward. That seemed to disarm Steve’s temper, worry painting his face as he stepped into the younger's space.

“Gare, you don’t owe him anything. You can just tell him to fuck off and stay here.”

“Five minutes Stevie…just to get some peace. If I’m not back in by then, then you can come out and defend my honor.” That didn’t quell the pout, but it seemed to be heard as Steve allowed himself to be pulled back towards the bedroom by Jeff and Freak. Eddie stayed behind, glaring at the man, hand on Gareth’s shoulder.

“Five minutes and if he’s crying or hurt when I come out I will rip your throat out with my teeth.” He growled before turning and joining the others. They waited till the door shut before either spoke, the younger alpha keeping a glare on his father.

“That’s your omega? Got a bite to him.”

“Just say what you came to say. This is Steve’s home and he obviously feels uncomfortable with you here. If you come to talk me into coming home with you then just leave. I have a pack that does care, I don't need you or mom to have a family.”

His father sighs, smiling at his son as he sits in a chair. “That’s not what I’m here for, nor am I here to try and make you choose like your mother. She is a traditionalist, not an excuse, but our opinions don’t really align.”

“Then why are you here?” Gareth asked, standing over his father. He seemed tired, more than usual, probably from his mother.

“Did I ever tell you of how your mother and I came to be, how… cold of a couple we are?”

“You’ve never been the typical type of alpha and omega, just figured she had you by the balls or something.” His father snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Or something. Your old man was anything but typical. I swung all ways, betas, omegas, and alphas. The thing your mother doesn’t understand is that the younger generations constantly adapt, expanding. Traditional is just old fashion and restricting, and much like you, I wasn’t traditional. I was in love with another alpha, we were a secret with how people were. He was scared, but I wanted to be out and proud, even if it meant being disowned. We would argue about it constantly, our last one being so bad we broke up for a week.”

Gareth had slunk down to sit on the couch, staring at his dad displaying the most emotions he’d ever seen.

“In that week, I went on a binge, slept with your mom, and by the time me and him reconciled… she found out she was pregnant. She went to my parents first, so that was the start of our life and the end of mine and his. He left town and I haven’t heard from him since. When I held you for the first time, all your moms conniving with my parents was mostly worth it… but I’m not telling you this to win you over. I don’t want you to come home, back to her. You’ve escaped what I can’t, but I did have some stuff I wanted to tell you about.”

“Dad.” He said, tears coming to his eyes. “She baby trapped you. That’s so not right and grandma and grandpa endorsed it?”

“It’s the past and I’m not letting you face what I’ve faced. That being said, your mother will be out of the house for a few hours tomorrow on a spa trip I bought her to help her “relax.” He scoffed, looking his son in his eyes. “I’ll pack what I can in secret for you tonight, but come over tomorrow afternoon and I’ll help you load your stuff. We can put what doesn’t fit in your new place.”

“Wait- wait. So you’re fine with everything? Me and the guys, with Steve and the baby?” Reaching over, his father wrapped his hands in his own.

“I want you happy and if that’s with them, then I don’t give a shit. Your mother believes she talks for both of us, but I speak for my own beliefs. You know my side of the family is wealthy, that’s never been a secret. When you were born I had an account made to put money in for you, an inheritance that your mother doesn’t know about. You turn 21 soon so that money will be yours. If you want we can go finance it, help you boys get a home or start a fund for the baby.”

“I-I don’t know… I can’t even process this.”

“Nothing has to be done now. Don’t worry about anything, just talk to your mates and tomorrow I’ll call you once I take your mom to the spa.” Gareth opened his mouth to respond when the bedroom door creaked open, Steve walking out with arms crossed and a pout.

“It’s been five minutes.” He huffed, the younger smiling as he waved him over. He let him cuddle up against him on the couch, Steve scenting him for any distress.

“Perhaps I should go before I outstay my welcome. You seem to have some people that want to comfort you. I shall see you tomorrow.” His father stood, roughing up Gareth’s hair. The young man snorted, shoving the hand away with a wide smile.

“Yeah. Maybe you could get dinner with us tomorrow and we could talk over everything… get to know each other.”

“I’d like that. I’ll see you tomorrow Gar.” He said, giving his son a squeeze of the shoulder before letting himself out of the home. It was then that the other alphas joined their mates, huddling together on the couch. It was quiet, the scent in the room unreadable. After what felt like hours, Gareth cleared his throat, looking up at the others.

“So, we have a lot to talk about… but can we wait until we finish what was interrupted.” He smirked, looking over his shoulder at Eddie. The older man nipped at his neck before pulling the smaller alpha over the couch and on his shoulder. A shriek of laughter left Gareth as he was carried back to the bedroom, the others following behind, Jeff slamming the door behind him.

Tag list: @marklee-blackmore

I will take prompts for this au, just note I may not be fast on them.

[givehimthemedicine]

El's protectiveness and friendships in the lab

wanted to take a minute to appreciate that El's protectiveness isn't a character trait that only emerges post-lab. she's always been that way [assuming, for this post, that NINA stuff more or less happened]; it just couldn't always present in a way that looks badass on a poster.

El and Eighteen

only crumbs here, but if I have to point out a lab kid that El is friendlier with than the others, it's Eighteen.

El holding Eighteen's hand is the only affectionate act I've ever noticed between any of the lab kids, and offering that comfort to her littlest sister is probably as "protective" as El can afford to be (esp as an eight year old with the least power and social standing of anyone).

when the kids in general laugh at El for failing at the light game, Eighteen is not one of the kids shown doing so.

Eighteen is the first dead child El is shown to be upset about. it's not that she looks more distressed about her than the others, but it's odd that she saw Ten dead on the floor next to Brenner a second before this and didn't really react. (maybe she couldn't tell Ten was dead from the doorway? idk)

maybe an El/Eighteen friendship is cornplating or whatever the youths are calling it, but bearing in mind that we're never actually told that El/Eight had some super close friendship, maybe theirs looked something like this.

side note - are friendships even permitted in the lab?

letting the kids form friendships could be dangerous, as Brenner, couldn't it? risks them forming alliances against you? this is why I was asking the other day if socializing seems discouraged in the RR. like, even the bullies, who were "friends," never chatted openly in there unless the cameras were off. maybe any lab friendships have to be hush hush by nature.

anyway idk there's just something about us going "🤯 same numbers!!!" upon seeing the 001 / 011 tattoos, and then 008 + 018 being the only other kids El is hinted at being friendly with... why are we reusing the same pattern? 001 / 008 / 011 / 018 just happen to be every combination of those three numbers within the number of available children.

especially with El "being 8" (as in, years old) at this time. it's giving Henry, 12 / mother of 5. idk where I'm going with that but I'm squinting. Eighteen, you're not some bizarro Little Eight who has an inverted friendship with Big El, right?

El lashing out in the lab

we're shown repeatedly that El hates seeing people get hurt, but multiple times onscreen (and you know innumerable times off) she witnesses severe abuse to her siblings, and we never see her act in their defense like post-lab El would. of course, that's because she realistically can't. we know trying to help anyone in the lab accomplishes little except getting both people in trouble. but I was thinking about how we DO see El lash out for her own sake in 1983. so what's the takeaway? El cares more about protecting herself than others? nah. let's look at the other guard killing scene (again. assuming this really happened):

when similarly cornered in 1979, El's immediate response is silent surrender.

why is her behavior so different? because she's weak? too scared / well controlled? too nice to kill? all those factors have already been established as non-issues in this moment. (she does have her powers here; the circle game proved that Brenner can't control El and knows it; killing when cornered is canonically within her nature)

you might think having a staff member on her side would make her more defiant, but instead she's more compliant here than in '83 (either time. even in the non-guard-killing flashback, El screams and struggles the whole way.)

El and One

he's the difference. she doesn't know he's her brother or has powers yet, but he has presented himself as a fellow prisoner rather than someone in a position of authority. she's also already seen him get punished because of her.

as far as El knows right here, if she lashes out - whether she then escapes successfully or not - she'd be bringing SEVERE punishment onto a nice guy who can't defend himself or escape.

she has a chance at freedom, the power to kill, and the escape route all planned out, but she doesn't do it. the thing that's not in her nature is abandoning a friend to God-knows-what punishment on her behalf.

so while One killing the guards is an act of protection to El, it's also a massive act of protection to One that El is ready to throw out the whole plan right here. don't miss it just because it's not the classic El-screamy-hand thing.

she's sacrificing her chance at freedom in hopes of slightly mitigating his punishment. (they're both doomed to very bad punishment upon capture right here, but if she escapes I think he'd get punished even worse. so she's choosing to share in pretty bad punishment over him being punished extremely severely and her not at all.)

even aside from punishment, she knows she'll be returning to an even worse home life than the one she believed necessitated her immediate escape (Brenner apparently arranging for her to be killed).

so here, can she afford to act out not only because she's acting alone, but because she's an only child, so to speak? there's no one else who could potentially suffer as a result of her actions. no other siblings to use as leverage. no one to protect.

whatever consequences Brenner carried El off to after killing those orderlies, she bore it alone.

I can sorta read this as protective of the other kids in general - not that she did it, but that she didn't until now.

am I saying Brenner might have randomly punished other kids as a result of something El did?

have you met the guy? definitely would've threatened it, might've actually done it. manipulation by whatever means necessary.

when you work in a building full of superpowered people who hate you, you gotta control them psychologically, because physical control isn't something you can maintain for long. it's imperative that they're more afraid of the consequences of kicking your ass than they are of whatever torture you're putting them through. emotional manipulation using friends and innocents as pawns is a classic move. (another reason the kids might want to keep lab friendships secret even if they're allowed.)

that's not theory - we've seen Brenner use this tactic onscreen, telling El that he'll have Owens killed if she tries to get to him. he knows he can't physically control her, so he exerts psychological control by placing Owens' blood on El's hands to get her to cooperate.

the phrase "blood on one's hands" means being responsible for deaths, not having literally, personally committed murder. this imagery is used onscreen to denote El's sense of guilt about the massacre well before she comes to the conclusion that she actually did it. (this could be symbolism that El's mind organically dreamed up instead of engineered fuckery, but who knows. we have no textual explanation yet for how her hands would be that bloody).

and together with Brenner very textually using the kids against each other in other ways - having them literally duel each other in the circle game, but also the "driving them to do exactly what he wants" stuff - I don't think it's unreasonable to figure that fear of harm to the other kids was a manipulation tactic used in the lab.

that definitely includes One - lines like "I'm not going with you / if he finds me he will find you" "I wanted to help you, but I only made things worse" smack of a guy kept in line by fear of something happening to the kids.

and the Brenner-orchestrating-El's-murder story smells like a psyop. is this just Brenner wanting One to think harm would come to El as a consequence of his actions? (she became "uncontrollable" as a result of his coaching). El is too valuable an asset to actually kill. who would know better than One that the treatment for being uncontrollable is soteria, not death? assuming One is being truthful, why would he not see through that. idek what I think is going on here anymore

anyway. MKUltra is ALL about manipulation but I'll talk more about that in my other post

times El protects her friends the same way she protected One

practically every move El makes is about protecting her friends but I want to point out a few times that are specifically reminiscent of her protection of One, where she's ready to give up her freedom to protect her friends even at risk of the worst case scenario (going back to the lab):

sacrificing herself to protect the party from the demogorgon ("no more") <- is that line in reference to the 6 people the demogorgon has snatched, or is that a massacre reference given how incredibly parallel these scenes are. I'm not sure whether "goodbye Mike" meant she thought she'd die or just get so wiped out that she'd be easily recaptured by the lab

leaving Kali and "freedom" to return to Hawkins and protect her friends, where she volunteers to go back into the lab to close the gate

leaving Cali and "freedom" to return to the lab to get her powers back to protect her friends

final thought: I just had a chuckle with myself at the fact that iirc it's Mike and Nancy whose lives El has individually, directly saved the most times.

[honorable mention for Max because I don't know how to quantify 4x9. is that like one massive save?]

like, Mike, okay, but why the Nancy emphasis when she and El have basically zero onscreen relationship. (actually I have a lot to say about El and Nancy coming up soon that might add context)

idk.. lab sibling guilt smth smth El protecting Nancy "she'll be like your new sister" and Mike "will you be like my brother" Creeler. you gotta love it

[groovinrightalong]

Alright, as promised, here are some ✨married Byler/Byler dads headcanons✨

A little preface that this is specifically for my transmasc Mike headcanons, so it’s not necessarily canon compliant, it’s pretty much just MY older byler AU so if it’s not your cup of tea you can just scroll along. Brief mentions of being a seahorse dad and a heads up right now that transphobia will get you an IMMEDIATE block:)

Now that that’s over with!

-Mike and Will get married at some point in the early 90s. Mike doesn’t get his birth certificate changed until some point in the 2000s, so legally he’s considered female, and you better believe they take advantage of it. He’s like at least three or four years on hormones by the time they get married but they’re just like :D yes we’re a straight couple I love my wife :D

-Bonus points if Will wears a dress for the wedding

-They get a dog pretty much as soon as they move in together. Will loves dogs (Mike’s more of a cat person but he adores the way Will’s face lights up when he sees them) and she’s probably a birthday present from Mike to Will. They like to joke that she’s their child, they bring her along to family picnics and events. Joyce and Jonathan are obsessed with her, she reminds them of Chester.

-Mike grows up to be an author! He makes a decent living between selling his books and a gig working at the local library, and Will does some graphic design. He doesn’t particularly like how regimented it is, he prefers doing art for the love of it, and he gets his chance when they’re early to mid 40s because Mike’s books start to get really popular and they can live off that income. Will then pretty much just does the art for the covers and works as a freelance artist. Gloats about being a trophy husband.

-They spend the first decade of their marriage just being the cool uncles for Jancy’s kid, always stopping in for surprise visits because they all moved to a bigger city within a decent distance from each other. Mike likes to buy the kid gifts he knows will piss off his sister, like water guns and play dough that’ll get stuck everywhere. He’ll sneak them candy, pick them up from daycare to take them out for the day. He’s a nuisance.

-Will aids in the schemes, but obviously he’s Jonathan’s baby brother so he’s the good one and Mike is the bad influence😇 And then the kid learns their first curse word from him when he accidentally slips up in front of them and he never hears the end of it.

-He’s really soft and happy with them though, and Mike obviously notices. Mike’s sort of iffy on if he wants any kids but he can tell Will does even if he won’t say anything.

-They adopt their son in like early 2002/2003. His bio mom was really young. They keep in contact with her, send her pictures and updates. His name’s Sam! (Short for Samwise. Because they’re fucking nerds.)

-They end up with two kids. Their daughter’s only six or seven months younger than Sam because hey y’all testosterone is NOT birth control. She pretty much looks like a mini Joyce, her name’s Gwen. (Gwenevere. Like I said, NERDS.)

-Their kids kind of have a similar dynamic to Will and El because they’re so close in age, they’re always in the same grades, etc. People jokingly call them the twins.

-Nancy takes her revenge by doing pretty much the same thing Mike did with her kid with the twins. She’ll sneak them treats, get them sugared up when they’re at her house then send them home. Sam thinks she’s the coolest person EVER (much to Mike’s horror)

-Gwen’s nonverbal. As a toddler, Sam talked for her pretty much all the time. She never said her first word, was really quiet and reserved, and it worried them obviously. But then they were like, oh wait, let’s try sign language (Mike has times where he’s pretty much totally nonverbal too so they already know a decent amount) and as soon as she figures it out she’s talking to them all the time. She’s super high energy and between her and her brother, they get into a LOT of trouble (Mike’s first gray hair comes in when he’s like 34😭)

-She also has a bit of a sixth sense! It’s mostly to do with the supernatural (which isn’t really an issue since the gates are all closed now… right?) but sometimes she’d react to something right before it happened and it would freak her parents out. Will has it too, but he’s so used to it now that he doesn’t really notice it? And Mike’s just like oh well that’s just how he is it’s not weird. It’s a… lot freakier when it’s a toddler.

-(Bonus!! Jonathan, Nancy, Mike, Will, and the kids all have the last name Hopper. Hop adopted Jonathan and Will and they changed their names to match him and their mom and El because FUCK Lonnie.)

I have lots more thoughts but this is going on really long and just🫠 Yeah. Byler dads.

[thr-333]

My sincerest apologies for this vent, but I just have to say it for the One and a Half Futures Au.

I can’t stop thinking about what the guys would feel if they lost the war for a second time and Leon dies in the process - likely saving everyone else at the cost of his own life- with the survivors of the resistance ending up in a post-movie timeline.

They find out that Leo’s original plan to save Raph and stop the Krang has worked, and that all these years and sacrifices during the course of the second resistance were all for naught.

They had the solution right in front of them, and they threw it to the ashes. They could have spared everyone so much suffering if only they listened to Leon instead of siding with the future one. They could have saved Raph, Leon, got their old lives back and Casey would have lived free from war… But nope! They took Future Leo’s side and let Leon take the pain all these years for nothing.

Half-Future timeline Donnie is extra protective of current timeline’s Leo. He knows he’s not his original twin, and that these new Leo and Raph are not replacements for the brothers they’ve lost, but he feels so guilty for taking Future Leo’s side over his own twin and unwittingly enabling the abuse that followed that Donnie goes feral if Future Leo dares to be within a 10 feet radius distance from current Leo. Donnie hisses. He growls and bares his teeth. He makes it clear that Future Leo is NOT to come close or interact with new Leo in any way, and no amount of validation is going to keep Donnie quiet this time. Future Leo already screwed up one version of Leo. Like hell will Donnie let it happen again!

And thing is… Future Leo IS genuinely remorseful for everything. To think he could have solved everything he strived for if only he let Leon do his thing. Man, the guilt for screwing up not just one time line, but TWO?!

And he really wants to make amends. He knows it won’t fix anything, he has no right to, and it will never undo the damage he’s caused, but he does want to apologise, especially to Leo, even if he’s not the same turtle. He genuinely wants to help Leo be a good leader in the right way, but Donnie makes it clear that if F!Leo dares to come anywhere near current Leo, he’ll bite his head off.

The present family has no idea how to navigate this whole situation - provided they don’t know all the details of what transpired in the other timeline - and now current Leo is stuck in the weirdest custody battle ever.

There. I’m done. I apologise again for the venting. Bye!🏃💨

You know what? Screw it, I was probably never going to finish the comic up to this point anyway.

Good news! You're right! Better news, Leon survives!

They end up going back to the past(to an alternate timeline I suppose) after Leo manages to save everyone from the Kraang attack. There's no Kraang, no war, just the crushing realization of one man's decisions.

How you describe Donnie is exactly how Leon would be with his younger self. Old man Leo is not allowed anywhere near the kid.

And yes he does feel guilty. He was able to overcome his guilt in the second timeline by pushing it all onto Leon. Now he goes back in time and discovers not only would Leon have saved the world, but that Leo was the one that actively stopped him.

He needs to apologize, he knows he does. But he doesn't think he deserves to. Ultimately isn't it better to let Leon focus all his anger onto him so Leon can live his life free of guilt?(It's not, but when this man reaches rock bottom he grabs a shovel and keeps on digging)

No one in the family knows how to deal with this. They have future versions of themselves running around(There would be four versions of Casey jr alone!). With three Leos. The future family knew Leon's relationship with Leo wasn't great but they're starting to suspect there's more to it with how hostile he is about letting Leo anywhere near his young counterpart.

[deobienthusiast]

like a moth to a flame | ljy

• pairing: royal guard!juyeon x gn!reader

• word count: 11.2k words (so fucking proud of myself)

• genre: forbidden love!au, royal!au, angst, fluff

• warnings: brief mentions of nudity, implied sexual themes without actually mentioning it, suggestive, mentions of death (there’s a few descriptive death parts and descriptive injury parts), blood, dead bodies

• synopsis: after falling for the one of the royal guards your family has hired, you now face the dilemma of worrying about his safety without giving away your relationship

• notes: no lie, my expectations for this fic weren’t very high, but when i finished it i bawled like a baby because of how proud i was for finishing it and how proud i was of it. this has to be probably my best fic yet, so i hope you guys really really enjoy it!!!! banner is by @sungbeam ILY THANK YOU SO MUCH🥹🥹

• tagging: @deoboyznet @userjuyo @cloverdaisies @hongyangi @juyeonszn @sureogi @kimsohn @invuwrld (let me know if you want to be apart of a tag list for a certain member OR be tagged for any tbz fics)

Life had a funny way of placing people in front of you so they could become a part of your life. You always wondered, if you were out on your own and living a very different life than the one you live, just how you would meet the same people who were already present within your young adolescent years. Being the child of a king seemed like the life everyone would want. However, when you peek upon the lives of the common who live normally without an impending threat constantly over their heads, you get jealous. They live with such ease, with no cares in the world. You live with a constant fear of your castle doors being broken down, and someone wreaking havoc on your family. That was until your father hired new royal guards.

They were all relatively tall. Some being your height, while others just towered right over you. Three were on the younger side, four of them being your age, and four being older than you. You grew close to the ones who were your age. You grew close to the younger ones as well. They were a bit more childish, so they were kept more so in the castle as to not provide any unwarranted attention. The four eldest were the main ones that were sent out on missions, coming back beaten, bruised, and bloodied. But finishing their job, nonetheless. The eleven guards took care of business when it needed to be dealt with. There was one that stood out to you, though.

When these guards stepped through the castle doors, your curiosity got the best of you. You usually don’t dabble in your father’s affairs. Too worried you’ll hear something that you don’t want to. However, when these men stepped out of his chambers, you couldn’t help but lock eyes with one. He stopped almost immediately, his cat-like eyes dragging you in as his colleagues moved from around him to head to their respective posts. He gave you a bow and a small smile as his long legs took strides to put him right in front of you.

Holding out his large hand, you gently placed your smaller one in his. This allowed him to bring your hand to his lips where he left the softest brush of a kiss upon your knuckles.

“Your highness,” He said softly.

And that was how you met Juyeon. The royal guard who had stolen your heart, and you his. From that point on, you two were inseparable, having to hide your relationship due to the nature of his job. He was forbidden to be with a member of the royal family, but even he couldn’t lie. You were so captivating. Juyeon had never met anyone like you in his life. The way you move so elegantly and swiftly. How you had a multitude of people in the castle wrapped around your pretty little finger (him included). Juyeon was so in love with you that it scared him. Keeping your relationship a secret was hard for the boy. Especially considering he was now to a point where he’d leave with the older guards for missions, which meant leaving your safety in the hands of the three youngest who he knew had massive crushes on you (Sunwoo, especially). Juyeon wanted you for himself. He didn’t like to share, especially not with his members. And you were too special to him, too precious for your safety to be left in the hands of anyone but himself. Of course his members weren’t idiots. In fact, the younger ones were the first to find out about the two of you and spread it to the rest of the crew. This led to Juyeon getting a stern talking to from the oldest, Sangyeon, explaining to him the dangers of falling for a member of the royal family and the harm it could put him in if anyone besides them found out. Juyeon didn’t care, and quite frankly, neither did you.

That’s how two of the older members, Hyunjae and Jacob, found you two in your room with nothing but the royal cotton sheets covering your bodies that were wrapped around each other.

“Seriously?!” Hyunjae said incredulously. “What is wrong with the two of you?”

Jacob walked towards the side of the bed Juyeon lay on as he grabbed his uniform, tossing it to the boy.

“Change! Before Sangyeon realizes you’ve left your post outside the bedroom door.” Jacob said, emphasizing the “outside”.

Juyeon chuckled, rolling over just slightly to softly peck your lips as he sat up, leaving enough slack in the sheets so you could cover yourself.

“I’m not changing in front of you guys.” Juyeon gestured to the two boys.

Hyunjae scoffed. “But you’ll change in front of,”

“Got it! You’ve got three minutes.” Jacob cut off the boy as he pushed him to the door.

He cracked it slightly, checking to see if anyone was outside, making you all hold your breath. He turned to you all, nodding slightly as he and Hyunjae exited before repeating. “Three minutes, Juyeon.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle. Despite knowing the danger Juyeon was putting himself in, you knew they would never tell Juyeon to stop seeing you. Especially since you made him the happiest he’s ever been since he became a royal guard. At least that’s what Hyunjae had told you.

Juyeon waited for the door to close completely before grabbing his boxers from the floor. Sliding them over his legs to cover his bare bottom half, he stood up, turning around to stare at you.

“What?” You said softly.

He just shook his head with a shrug. “You’re just so beautiful.”

Rolling your eyes, knowing how completely ravaged you look because of him, you just nod. “Yeah, you definitely need to get back to your post.”

Juyeon laughed, his hair bouncing with every movement of his head. You grabbed the night clothes the tall man had rid you of when he snuck into your room, slipping them on as you got up to help Juyeon with his uniform. His pants and boots went on without any struggle, but getting his top fastened down enough to cover the marks you left on him seemed to be a bit more of a challenge. Feeling a little guilty, knowing he could get in trouble, you mumbled out an apology.

“I guess I got carried away.” You spoke sheepishly.

He looked at you through the floor length mirror, having finally found a way to cover everything as he smiled.

“Don’t be. They let me know that I’m doing my job correctly.”

Now that was corny, but you couldn’t deny the way a heat creeped up your neck at his words.

As the last button on his top got fastened, a knock sounded on the door.

“Sangyeon is looking for you.” Jacob’s muffled voice said.

Juyeon let out a sigh as he walked over to you, grabbing your hand to bring to his lips just like he did the first day he met you.

“I love you. I’ll see you in the morning after our briefing with your father.”

You could only nod, too captivated by his voice to truly understand what was coming out. Juyeon kissed your forehead this time before moving to the door, throwing a wink to you from over his shoulder as he got out just in time. You laid your ear to the door as you could hear a pair of heavy-footed boots make their way to your door.

“Please tell me you weren’t doing what I think you were?” You heard Sangyeon ask him.

Juyeon replied. “I was just checking in. Making sure everything was okay. I swear.”

From the other side of the door, Sangyeon gave the younger boy a look. “You’re playing with fire Juyeon.”

Juyeon could only nod as Sangyeon walked back to his post, finishing his rounds of checking on each guard. You sighed, allowing your feet to drag you to the now empty king bed that felt too big for one person.

You fell asleep easier than you had expected, waking to a knock at your door. You groaned slightly as the door opened, your right hand coming in to greet you.

“Good morning, your highness. You must get dressed immediately. Your father has summoned everyone to the ballroom for a meeting. He says it’s urgent.” The girl tells you.

You nod, thanking the girl softly as she lays your clothes out on your bed. She exits, leaving you to get dressed as you frown. A meeting that involved everyone in the castle was never a good thing, and suddenly a feeling of nausea passed over you. Did someone find out about you and Juyeon? Is that what this was about? Your thoughts made you dress quickly as you fixed your hair, rushing to the bathroom to brush your teeth. You opened your bedroom door, meeting the back of a head belonging to a rather tall man. You felt yourself relax as you lifted your hand to tap his shoulder before they turned. Your hand retracted immediately as your eyes widened slightly.

“Younghoon, what are you doing over here?” You asked.

The older members watched over the more senior members of the family so seeing one of them posted outside your door worried you to no end.

“I’m just here to escort you to your parents' chambers. The queen and your sister are waiting for you.” Younghoon told you.

You nodded, following the boy through the long corridor. He stopped in front of the door, looking around first before opening it. You furrowed your eyebrows, walking in the room as he closed the door behind you. Your mother looked at you, giving you a small smile.

“Mother, what is happening?” You asked quietly.

She sighed. “Your father is briefing the guards. It’s important that we wait here.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Why was Younghoon posted outside my door? He only does that if there is impending danger.”

Your mother made your sister comfortable on the bed as she stood up. She gently grabbed your arm, pulling you off to the side as she spoke in a hushed tone.

“There’s been some talk,” She starts.

“Talk?”

“They think someone is after your father and I.”

You swallowed. “Which means they’ll also come for her and I?”

You raised a hand to point between yourself and your sister. The action made your mother nod as a knock was put to the door. You jumped slightly as someone spoke.

“Your majesty,” Sangyeon’s voice said just loud enough to make it through the door. “You can come out now.”

You opened the door, coming face to face with the senior guard who gave you a small smile.

“Your highness,” He said with a bow. “The King is looking for you.”

You nodded, thanking the older boy as you gave your mother a kiss on the cheek. You quickly left the room, walking down the hallway towards the ballroom. You noticed Sunwoo and Eric, the two youngest guards, conversing outside the door. They both were having a very hushed, secretive conversation as you walked up to them. You got your hand onto the gold gilded handle of the ballroom door before Eric stopped you.

“Your highness, you can’t go in yet.” The youngest guard said.

“Why?”

“The King is briefing the guards.”

You rolled your eyes. “So why aren’t you two in there?”

Sunwoo spoke this time. “They are being sent on a mission.”

You turned to the boy. “What mission?”

Sunwoo and Eric turned to look at each other, almost as if to silently ask the other if they should tell you. Eric shoved the boy slightly, making Sunwoo whine before he spoke.

“There’s a threat to the kingdom. To your parents and you and your sister. We know the source of the threat and your father is sending the more senior guards out to neutralize the situation.” Sunwoo said.

You nodded, letting out a calm breath. “So, no Juyeon. He’s not going?”

This time Sunwoo was quick to shove Eric, knowing how you got about Juyeon going on missions.

“Uh, well…not exactly.”

Before you could reply the door opened. Your father looked between you and the younger guards before speaking to them.

“Shouldn’t you be at your posts?” He asked as the two younger boys nodded quickly, heading off to their respective posts.

He pulled you into the ballroom where the rest of the guards, more specifically your guard, were gathered around. Juyeon lifted his head, his hair falling into his eyes as he watched your father walk you into the ballroom.

“Gentleman, this mission is important. You need to take great caution in your posts and each move you make. You have to remember who you’re out there protecting. Most importantly, remember that you are out there protecting each other. This threat is serious, and I do not expect you back until it’s completely dissolved,”

You started to drown out your father’s words as you made eye contact with Juyeon. He gave you a sad smile as you looked over who all was with him. Juyeon, Hyunjae, Jacob, Changmin, and Kevin. You knew Sangyeon would be leading the troops and Younghoon would be up there as well. The other older guard, Chanhee, never went on missions unless absolutely needed. Your sister had taken a liking to him the moment they were hired so he stayed to help your mother. You knew Juyeon never went on missions either for the same reason, in fact he, Changmin, or Kevin rarely went away. The severity of the situation was beginning to set in as you excused yourself, feeling a set of eyes on you as you left the room.

You felt sick knowing that Juyeon would be sent out on a mission that clearly was more dangerous than people were letting on about. You headed for the green house, dismissing any staff that was in the building to care for the flowers as you took in deep breaths, trying to steady your rapidly beating heart. Soft footsteps built up behind you as you closed your eyes, speaking just as softly.

“Juyeon, you’re going to get hurt.”

Large hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you close enough so he could place a soft kiss on your temple.

“Let’s not think about that.” He whispered.

You scoffed, turning yourself around. “How can I not? My father is sending you out with the senior guards to neutralize a threat and you want me to not think about it?”

Juyeon sighed. “I couldn’t tell him no. I would’ve been dismissed.”

“At least then you’d still have your life.” You countered, pushing away from him.

“Then what do you want me to do,” Juyeon says, frustration laced through his words. “You tell me what you want me to do! This is my job. We both knew something like this would arise. Let’s not act surprised. I’m a royal guard, and if I get sent on a mission by order then that’s what I have to do. I could lose everything if I say no.”

Tears built up in your eyes as you raised your voice with the tall guard. “And what about me? What if I lose you?”

Juyeon’s face softened at your words, the frustration melting away.

“Baby,” He spoke, barely above a whisper, as he stepped towards you. “You’re never going to lose me, ever. I’m yours. I’m always going to gravitate towards you no matter how far apart we are.”

His hands cupped your face, forcing you to look at him as his thumbs gently wiped at the tears staining your skin.

“Don’t ever think I’m not going to come back to you. I’m going to be the first one back so I can see you, touch you, hold you, kiss you,” Juyeon pauses, placing a tender kiss to your lips. “I’m not leaving you. Like a moth to a flame.”

You could only nod, mind still reeling with the idea of Juyeon never coming back from his mission. Despite your father having no knowledge of your relationship with one of his best royal guards, you were positive you’d never be able to forgive him if something happened to Juyeon. The boy watched you intently, seeing the gears in your head turning at capacity.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked.

Finally pulling yourself from your thoughts, you spoke. “When do you leave?”

“Before sundown.”

With a nod of your head, you pulled both his hands from your face, squeezing them gently. “Please, don’t do anything stupid. Listen to Sangyeon. And if it gets too heavy, fall back.”

“Love, those weren’t the king's orders.” The guard answered.

You scoffed, with a roll of your eyes. “No, they’re mine. And if you love me, you’ll follow them.”

This time you watched Juyeon intently as a small smile made its way to his face. “Of course I will. Because I do love you.”

“I love you, too.”

You and Juyeon pulled apart, but not before leaving a last kiss to each other’s lips. You knew the boy had to pack for the journey, and he would get in trouble if he wasn’t with the rest of the squad. Juyeon kept a hold on your hand as he backed away.

“I’m going to come back.” He tells you.

You smiled. “Promise?”

A nod and smile was thrown back to you. “With all my heart.”

You watched the boy exit the greenhouse as you mentally prepared yourself for the coming days that were sure to be Juyeon-less. You watched from your bedroom balcony as your father sent the guards off into the sunset, not having the stomach to stand with your mother and sister as he sent the men into what might be their early deaths. Juyeon watched you the entire time, giving you a small smile and mouthing the same promise he made just moments ago in the greenhouse.

I’m going to come back.

His words echoed in your head over and over again, pushing you into a sleepless night.

The morning sun peeked through your blinds too quickly for your liking considering you were finally starting to fall asleep. You let out a yawn, pulling yourself from your bed as you heard a faint knock.

When you pull the door open, you came face to face with your mother.

“Mother,” You say, startled by her presence so early in the morning. “Is everything okay?”

She nodded. “I just wanted to check in on you. You seemed upset about something yesterday.”

If only you knew.

“I’m fine. Just wasn’t feeling too well,” You lied. “Have we heard anything from the guards?”

Your mother chuckled. “Sweetheart, it’s too early to hear anything. If anything, the guards will just be getting to their destination. We’re sending Sunwoo out later as our line of communication.”

You let out a breath, hoping for a better answer. “Well, will you let me know if you hear anything?”

Your mother nods. “Of course, my dear. You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have a thing for one of those guards.”

You could only chuckle nervously as your mother sauntered off, her dress making a ‘swooshing’ sound across the floor of the hallway. You let out the breath you were holding as you leaned up against the large wood door of your bedroom. You closed your eyes, bringing both hands to your head to rub at your temples as someone spoke.

“Any messages you want me to relay to the squad?” Sunwoo’s voice made you jump.

One of your hands was now clutching your chest, right around your heart.

“Dammit, Sunwoo. Announce yourself, please.”

Sunwoo chuckled. “I did. You were in your own world.”

A blush ran up your face as you shoved him, heading towards the front of the castle grounds to see him off. The younger boy caught his footing, catching up to you rather quickly as you spoke again.

“Please, try to keep an eye on Juyeon.” You told him.

Sunwoo pushed open the front doors of the castle, letting in an immense amount of sunlight that casted shadows all over the walls. You walked him to his horse that was waiting for him as he looked at you.

“I’m only a line of communication. I’m not staying.”

You huffed. “Then, tell him…tell him I love him. Please?”

Sunwoo could only smile as he nodded, pulling himself onto the black steed. You always admired Sunwoo’s horse. His being the fastest, and prettiest, made him perfect as a communicator.

Sunwoo pulled the reins slightly, making the horse turn around. His lack of answer made you antsy as you watched him trot off.

“Sunwoo!” You yelled out.

“I’ll tell him!”

The days dragged on after Sunwoo’s departure. You weren’t sure how far out the squad was but considering you were now on day two of no Sunwoo, you kind of figured they were pretty far. The castle was on high alert with the threat and the best guards being out to handle the situation. Juyeon’s words continued to rattle your brain as they were beginning to become the only reason to get you through each day. You checked the front of the castle grounds religiously, even venturing out farther than allowed, making your right hand drag you back onto the grounds.

“Your highness, we mustn’t go past the gates. It's too dangerous.” She said softly, looping her arm through yours to walk you back towards the castle. “Don’t worry so much. He’ll be back.”

Your head snapped towards her as you stopped the both of you. “What?”

She giggled. “You aren’t exactly masters at hiding the way you look at each other.”

You let out a groan, bringing your hand to your head. “Jesus, does everyone in this castle know about us?”

She could only laugh. “Not everyone. Obviously his fellow guards found out, but those faded marks on your collarbone,” Her slim finger was pointed towards your upper chest, making you unravel your arm from her as you pulled your garments closer to your neck. “They give it away. Coupled with the fact that he’s usually sporting the same marks.”

You had never been so embarrassed in your life.

“And here I was thinking we were hiding them.”

“Don’t worry your highness. I won’t tell anyone. Juyeon makes you happy. That’s all that matters to me.” She told you.

You smiled at her, relooping your arms. “Okay then. What about you? Anyone interesting in your life?”

She stopped, smiling at the grass beneath her feet as she looked off in the distance. You couldn’t help the smile that tugged at your lips from her reaction to your question. She opened her mouth to speak before gasping, pointing off in the direction you just came from. Whipping around, you heard galloping that was getting continuously louder. You felt a tug as your right hand began to pull you.

“Wait,” You told her.

“Your highness, we don’t know who it is!” She replied quickly.

You pull from her grasp as the horse, Sunwoo’s horse, is now in focus. You let out a sigh of relief, happy to finally have some sort of news before seeing the state of the horse and the boy on it. Both were cut up and bleeding with Sunwoo looking like he might all but fall off the horse if it wasn’t for someone tying him on him. You stopped the horse, reaching up for Sunwoo.

“My sword,” He wheezed out. “Cut the ropes.”

You turned to your right hand. “Go get help!”

She nodded as you grabbed the sword that was strapped to his side, using the blade to cut the ropes on both sides, cutting your hand in the process. You try to (gently) pull Sunwoo from his horse, causing the boy to topple off onto the grass. He lets out a loud scream of pain as you kneel next to him.

“Sunwoo, what happened? Who did this?” Your mind was racing with questions.

Sunwoo could barely keep his eyes open, the pain being too much for the boy. “Ambushed. Barely made it out.”

“What happened with everyone else? What happened with Juyeon?”

You were pulled from the boy’s side as your father and Eric tended to him. Your mother pulled you up, keeping your sister and New at a safe distance. More men helped out with Sunwoo as New left your sister with you and your mother to tend to the hurt horse. Your father charged past, leading the way for Sunwoo to be carried back into the castle.

“Is he going to be okay?” You asked your mother.

“I’m not sure.” The queen said.

The castle was quiet as Sunwoo got worked on. All that could be heard were his cries of pain that brought tears to your eyes. They kept around the clock care for him for the next 24 hours as you kept yourself locked in your room. You had so many questions. Who did this? He was just a kid, so why would they hurt him? More importantly, what happened to the rest of them? What happened to Juyeon?

You watched the sun set on another day, now having no line of communication to give you any sort of relief. You felt your eyelids grow heavy as someone knocked on the thick wood doors of your chambers. Jumping slightly, you moved slowly towards the door, not wanting to hear anymore news about anything tonight.

“Eric,” You said surprised. “What are you doing over here?”

Eric spoke in a hushed town. “I had to come this late, so you wouldn’t get caught. Sunwoo is asking for you.”

You nodded, now being fully awake as you let the boy lead you to Sunwoo’s location. He stopped in front of the double doors of an abandoned room where your family basically stored stuff away that was used for balls. He pushed the door open slowly to contain any noises that might come from the old wood. Eric looked around before nodding at you, putting a hand on your lower back to push you into the room. He closed the door behind you to stay posted outside as you let your eyes adjust to the dimly lit room. The only light was coming from the oil lamps lit throughout the room. Sunwoo laid on a cot in the back of the room, his bare torso all wrapped in bandages that were starting to stain from his blood.

Making your way over to the boy, you knelt next to his head as you whispered into the dark room. “Sunwoo,”

The boy’s eyes opened slightly as he squinted before slowly turning his head. He hissed slightly from his own movement as he looked at you. His hair was sticking to his face, sweat lining his entire body. He was starting to come down with a fever.

“Your highness,” He breathed out, just barely pulling sound out of his mouth with his words. You leaned in. “Juyeon,”

You felt your blood run cold. “What? What happened to Juyeon? Is he okay?”

The boy swallowed. “As far as I know, but this situation is more serious than we previously anticipated.”

You stayed quiet, prompting the boy to continue.

“You,” His stomach contracted, making him wince as he moved just slightly. “You need to tell your father.”

A confused look crossed your face before you realized what he was getting at. “Sunwoo, I can’t.”

He gingerly shook his head. “You have to.”

“He could lose everything, Sunwoo.”

This time he snapped his head in your direction, ignoring the pain in a means to get his point across. “And yet you two still are together. If you really care about him, you’ll tell your father.”

His words stung, making you turn from him. “How can you say that? You know how much I care about Juyeon.”

“Then tell him. They are prying information from us out there.” Sunwoo countered.

“What do you mean?”

Sunwoo sighed, taking a deep breath. “They weren’t looking to kill us when I got there. They were looking to kidnap us. Torture us as a way to get information about the king, about you.”

You froze. “Me? Why me?”

Before he could answer, you heard shouting. Standing up quickly, you ran to the door opening it fully to an empty hallway. Eric was nowhere to be found as you closed the door, hearing footsteps rounding the corner. Your right hand came full speed right in front of you, stopping just before crashing into you. You grunted softly as she spoke.

“Your highness, the guards, they’re back!” She said quickly.

Your eyes widened as you took off in the opposite direction from which she came from. Heading towards the front of the castle, you noticed your father and mother already out there. Other staff members surrounded the area, watching your father debrief the guards as you let your legs carry you as fast as they could.

When you got to the front door, you stopped. Your heart beating out of your chest as you pushed the doors open. You started the trek down the stairs before stopping. Your father and mother both turned to you, Sangyeon standing in front of both of them. Your mother made her way to you, walking quickly to your side. It was at this moment, you realized that only Sangyeon and Changmin were back. Both badly beaten and covered in blood that wasn’t their own.

“Sweetheart, you should go back inside.” She said quickly.

Walking past her, you headed straight for Sangyeon who was in deep conversation with your father. He eyed you as you got closer to him, watching your every move.

“Your highness,” He started as you interrupted him.

“Where is he?”

Your father looked between the two of you. “Where is who?”

Sangyeon shook his head. “Don’t do this right now.”

“What are you two talking about?”

This time you shook your head. “No, let’s do this right now. What happened? Where is he?”

Sangyeon looked down at his boots before speaking. “He and the others were taken hostage. Changmin and I, we barely escaped.”

“You left them,” You said softly.

“No.” Sangyeon replied. “No, that’s not true. I needed more help, that’s why I came back. That’s why we came back.

He points between himself and Changmin as he turns back to your father. Not bothering to listen, you walked up to Changmin. He kept his head down as you whispered to him.

“Do you know where they are being kept?” You asked him quietly.

Changmin lifted his head, cuts on his lip and nose becoming visible to you. He nods slowly.

You grab his arm, pulling him towards the castle. “Let’s go.”

Your mother stopped you. “What are you doing?”

“Helping.” You said, not bothering to stop.

Changmin kept in stride with your fast steps as you pulled him into the castle, dragging him down the hallway towards Sunwoo’s room. Sunwoo turned his head as the door opened, trying to lift himself as he immediately recognized the person behind you.

“Hyung,” Sunwoo said. “You’re alive!”

Changmin pushed past you, kneeling before the younger boy as he tended to him. You peered through a partially covered window, seeing your father still talking with Sangyeon. Letting Changmin talk with Sunwoo, you moved around the room, finding a sword and riding gear for yourself. This caught both the boys' attention as Changmin spoke.

“What are you thinking about doing?” Changmin asked softly.

“You’re taking me to Juyeon.”

Changmin stood, looking at you like you were crazy. He watched you move around, gathering everything you needed as he tried to find the right words.

“Your h-highness,” He stammered out. “I really don’t think-,”

“I don’t care what you think! You are the only one that isn’t beaten or bruised to a bloody pulp. Sangyeon sure as hell isn’t going to take me, and my father will never let me go. I’m making this decision on my own. Besides, we need to get the others back.” You stopped, momentarily wondering whether you and Changmin would be enough.

You had no idea what kind of state the others would be in, especially with Sunwoo’s condition and the way Sangyeon and Changmin looked now.

As if reading your mind, Changmin took a step towards you, leaving Sunwoo’s side. “Your highness, there’s no way we can get through. Not two of us.”

You nodded at words, agreeing immediately. “Then we take help.”

Changmin looked on, confused as you headed towards the door. Quickly turning to Sunwoo, he whispered something to him as he jogged after you. The castle was quiet, everyone still in shock of only two of the royal guards returning as they stood outside. You took off towards your sister’s room, Changmin hot on your trail. Your footsteps echoed off the walls, alerting the boy posted outside your sister’s door. He stood before recognizing the boy behind you.

“Q,” Chanhee started, calling out to the boy with a nickname. “You’re back?”

Changmin stopped as did you. “You need to come with us.”

Chanhee looked confused, as you spoke this time. “We need to get the others. My father is going to take his time with Sangyeon, and that’s exactly what the others don’t have. We need all the help we can get.”

The boy cocked his head slightly, knowing the trouble he could get into if he disobeyed the King’s orders. Chanhee sighed, looking back at the doors he was in front of. He had promised your little sister he’d accompany her to breakfast in the morning. Clearly, that wasn’t going to happen.

“What do you need me to do?” Chanhee asked, stepping forward.

As you three hatched out a game plan, the youngest guard rounded the corner. The first thing Eric noticed was the gear you had on.

“What’s going on?” Eric asked.

“We’re going to get the others! Are you in?” You asked very straightforwardly.

Eric thought about it for a split second before giving you a nod of his head. “Let’s take the back gate, though. They’ve moved all the horses back there.”

You all nodded, heading towards the back exit of the castle by the greenhouse. As you quickly and quietly walked down the corridor, you noticed a figure by the door.

“Sunwoo, why are you out of bed?” Changmin asked.

The boy was using the wall to hold himself up as he dragged himself across the wall towards you. He pulled at your belt, unsheathing your sword from its case.

“Take mine.” He said softly, tucking the larger blade into your case with your help.

He pushed his full body weight into the wall, slowly sliding down it as he was now sitting on the floor. You and Changmin helped steady him before he reached up to grasp both of your shoulders and Changmin’s.

“Bring them back. Alive.” He said, barely above a whisper.

Changmin looked from Sunwoo to you as you nodded.

“As long as you stay alive to see them when we get back.” You countered.

A small, sly smile made its way to Sunwoo’s face as he nodded. “I’ll try my best, your highness.”

He let his arms drop as someone yelled. “Hey!”

You called out to Eric and Chanhee as the four of you took off out the doors. Just like Eric had said, four steeds stood by the greenhouse, still saddled up. You all climbed onto a horse, catching a glimpse of the person that yelled.

“Sangyeon,” You whispered to yourself as Changmin got his horse untied.

“Come on! This way!” Changmin yelled.

The hooves of the four horses pounded the ground as Sangyeon ran out of the castle.

“Your highness! Y/N!” Sangyeon screamed.

He continued to yell, but the sound became background noise as you let Changmin lead the way. He went full steam ahead to get out of the castle grounds quickly, only pulling back on the speed when he felt as though you were all in the clear. As you rode through the woods, the cool air whipped through your hair. It was the only thing calming you as you let the decisions you just made wash over you. Feeling an impending wave of anxiety creep up, you started to get nervous.

“Let’s slow up right here.” Changmin said softly.

You were the last person to stop, riding forwards just slightly as Changmin addressed you guys.

“We needed to be prepared. What you guys are about to see, it’s gruesome.”

You all nodded. Changmin continued to explain everything as you tried to keep up with what he was saying. His words started to all blur together as your mind started to wander.

The forest you were in started to change around you, the men in front of you disappearing as you closed your eyes to take in a breath.

“Aren’t you supposed to be meeting the guests?” A familiar voice says from behind you.

You turn quickly, smiling almost immediately. “Juyeon!”

He gives you a smile as you run to him, letting your full body weight crash into the boy. Juyeon grunts, letting his arms encircle your waist. He leans down to place a gentle kiss on your lips, making you hum.

You couldn’t believe he was in front of you right now. You nudge your nose against his, letting your forehead lean into him as he speaks.

“Someone is excited to see me!” A chuckle escaped his lips as he spoke.

You looked up at him. “You’re okay,”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” Juyeon asked.

You furrowed your eyebrows at his question. “Well, the threat to the kingdom. You had to neutralize it.”

The guard looked down at you confused. “What threat? No one has threatened the kingdom since we’ve arrived to protect you and your family. Are you sure you are okay?”

Feeling something cool and wet against your skin, you look down. Your hands that were set on each side of his lower chest were now covered in blood. Eyes widening in horror, you jumped back from the boy.

“What’s wrong?” Juyeon asks.

Too scared to speak, you continue to back away from Juyeon.

“Your highness, your highness…”

“Your highness? Your highness!”

You jumped as a pair of hands grabbed a hold of you. You look around you, realizing that you’re still in the forest. You look down at the hands holding you before coming face to face with Changmin. He’s looking at you with grave concern as you speak.

“What happened?”

Changmin looks at the guys behind him before turning back to you. “Your highness, I was explaining what the battlefield we’re about to cross looks like. I had asked you a question, but you kind of went mute on us. Almost like you were trapped in a daze. We couldn’t get you out of it.”

You nodded, trying to find the right words before Eric spoke. “Do you guys hear that?”

You all silenced yourselves, letting the sounds of the rustling leaves make their way into your ears.

“I don’t hear anything.” Chanhee said.

“No, no. Listen. Just listen.” Eric replied.

That’s when you all heard it. The faint sound of pounding? No, galloping.

Changmin pushed himself back, so he was fully sitting on his horse as he whispered. “Everyone hide, now!”

You all split into four different directions as the galloping started to get closer. Someone had followed you, and you had a pretty decent idea of who it was.

“Your highness,” Sangyeon called out. “Changmin!”

You all stayed quiet, the darkness, coupled with the full, large trees helped to hide you.

“I know you guys are out there. You need to come with me back to the castle, now! King’s orders.” Sangyeon said.

The only sound he could make out was the loud rustling of leaves from the strong gusts of wind.

Sangyeon sighed. “Y/N, come on. You took battle training when you were younger, but you know you don’t stand a chance against these enemies.”

His words struck a nerve in you. You knew he was right, but you didn’t want to admit that. You wanted to prove him wrong.

“I’m not heading back to the castle without Juyeon or the others.”

Sangyeon’s head moved in the direction your voice came from as he willed his horse to trot slowly towards the sound. “We’re going to get the others, but you have to give us time.”

You shook your head. “They don’t have time, Sangyeon.”

This time, you pulled yourself out of the thick brush. Pulling your horse behind you. Sangyeon let out a sigh of relief, eyeing you up and down to make sure you weren’t hurt.

He hopped down from his horse and held out his hand. “Come on. Let me take you back home.”

You shook your head. Sangyeon was starting to get frustrated by your stubbornness. He really needed to get you back to the castle, not just you but everyone else. He was the leader, and if he failed, the King would have his head. You, of all people, knew that.

Sangyeon let his hand drop, looking down at his dirty boots as he took in a breath. “Your highness,”

“I’m not going back with you.”

“You have too!” He yelled.

Sangyeon was never someone to raise his voice, so to say you were surprised was an understatement. He took your silence as an opportunity to calm himself before speaking again.

“Your highness, I can get in a lot of trouble if you don’t come back to the castle with me. All of us can.” He said loudly, knowing the others were just as close by as you were.

You shrugged. “Then it looks like you aren’t going back.”

Sangyeon closed his eyes, bringing his gloved hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Why are you being so stubborn?”

“Why are you being so adamant?”

“Because I made a promise.” Sangyeon said.

Promise? What promise?

“A promise to who? My father? If that’s the case, it’s broken.” You told him.

He shook his head. “A promise to Juyeon.”

He let his head drop as he closed his eyes. “When we got separated, he made me swear to take care of you, keep you safe. Y/N, he sacrificed himself for us. For Changmin and I. The two of us, we had the chance to leave, and we were going to give it up to help the others.”

“But Juyeon didn’t let you.” You finished for him.

Sangyeon could only nod. It made sense. Juyeon was nothing if not noble. He was willing to die for you and his brothers. You closed your eyes, smiling slightly. Even when he wasn’t around he was finding ways to keep you out of harm's way.

“I have to keep you safe.”

You nodded, calling out to the rest of the guys.

Eric peeked out from your left, as Changmin and Chanhee came from the other side of the pathway. Sangyeon looked at the three boys before chuckling slightly.

You took a step towards Sangyeon, your hand tightening on the reins of your horse as you spoke. “I still can’t go back with you.”

Sangyeon went to protest before you interrupted him. “Sangyeon, come with us. You are the best in hand to hand combat.”

The guards with you nodded enthusiastically, trying to convince their leader to join them, knowing his strength would be greatly appreciated.

Sangyeon shook his head. “I can’t, and you know that. I need to keep you safe. I need to get you back to the castle.”

“You really want to keep me safe and keep your promise to Juyeon, then you’ll come with us. You never break promises, and you know you won’t go back to the castle if I’m not with you. My father would have your head.”

Sangyeon let out a frustrated sigh as he looked at the hopeful faces of his members. He turned back to you as you cocked an eyebrow at him, crossing your arms over his chest. If the situation wasn’t so dire, Sangyeon wouldn’t help but laugh at the way you look. He was convinced that you had never looked more like your father. You were going to make a great ruler, that’s for sure.

“Alright look, if I come, and that’s a big if, you need to listen to me. All of you.” Sangyeon said, moving his body to point at every one of you. “We need to stick together, and not lose our heads. These guys, they are tough. Now we’ve taken out a majority of them, but the few that are left have the guys locked away in their own bunker. Once we locate it, we need to work specifically on freeing the guys, not fighting. Understood?”

Everyone nodded as Sangyeon helped you onto your horse, handing you reins he had slipped from your hand. As you got comfortable, he spoke again.

“Changmin, lead the way.” The older boy said as Changmin hopped onto his horse. The other two boys sprung into action, following along as you guys picked back up. Sangyeon kept an eye out, looking around carefully as you made your way out of the forest and through the plethora of bodies.

You never doubted your father when it came to picking people who could keep the kingdom safe, and now you had to make sure to thank him if you ever saw him again. The wasteland of death that you were walking through made you appreciate sitting in the castle all day long and being roped into stupid balls and useless meetings. The scene in front of you was nothing short of something out of a horror movie. Sangyeon had taken the lead off Changmin and was keeping you guys at a steady pace, looking over the bodies on the ground.

“Watch out for supplies or clues. Anything that can help us find out why they would take them.” Sangyeon said quietly.

You rode in the middle of the pack, Changmin off to your side. He was oddly quiet as you grabbed his attention.

“Q,” The nickname made him turn to you. “Are you okay?”

Changmin gave you a sad smile. “It wasn’t supposed to go this way. No one was supposed to get abducted. Sunwoo wasn’t going to get hurt.”

Shaking your head, you reached out to pat his shoulder gently. “You can’t blame yourself. You guys are trained for all sorts of situations, but something will always happen that rattles you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being in the royal family, it’s to expect the unexpected.”

“You can say that again.” Chanhee said from behind the two of you.

You both looked back at him. “Your mother tells me all the time that she wakes up anticipating something crazy to happen.”

You smiled at his comment that made the other men with you laugh softly. The conversation flowed a bit more after that. Different battle stories being brought up to pass the time. Eric brought up one of Sangyeon’s most impressive feats that he loved to exaggerate.

“I didn’t slay that bear by myself, Eric.” Sangyeon said with a shake of his head.

Eric scoffed. “Come on, hyung. You’re too humble. Sure, Younghoon and Hyunjae were there, but most of the damage was at the hands of your blade.”

You let out a breathless laugh before pointing. “Look.”

Sangyeon brought his head back to the front as he stopped his horse, prompting the other four of you to stop as well. Sangyeon climbed off of his horse as he took a few steps forward.

“That’s it.” Changmin said quietly, almost as if he was afraid someone would hear him.

The building was old and rundown. You were surprised it hadn’t caved in yet, but you weren’t holding your breath.

Sangyeon turned to you guys as he spoke. “We need to hatch a plan. By now, they’ve probably split them into different rooms. This place is bigger than you think so I’ll split off by myself. Eric and Chanhee you two split up together, and Changmin you know to keep Y/N in your sights.”

Everyone nodded at their assignments as you let Changmin help you off the horse. He quickly pulled you around the back side of the bunker while the other three split off to different sides. The wood door in the back was broken at the bottom, prompting Changmin to speak.

“There. We can get in through the bottom of the door. I’ll go first.”

He led the way, dropping to the ground to crawl under the broken wood. You heard him draw his sword before whispering.

“It’s safe, your highness.”

You took that as your cue to slide under the door, scraping your face against the hard concrete. The stinging from your cheek being scraped hurt, but you didn’t let it bother you as you pulled yourself up, pulling Sunwoo’s sword out of its sheath. Changmin gave you a nod as he took careful steps. He was making sure to check his surroundings as you both rounded a corner. The place was eerily quiet. There were only long hallways, making the bunker feel like more of a maze than an actual bunker. Changmin was careful to drag the blade of his sword, as quietly as he could, across the walls each time you took a turn.

“In case we have to turn back.” He told you.

As you took another turn, you heard something.

“Wait,” You called out to Changmin. “I hear something.”

Changmin stopped as you both listened.

“Someone’s talking.”

Changmin took a quiet step towards where the sound was coming from as his eyes widened. “It’s Jacob-hyung!”

Changmin took off towards the direction of his voice, making quite the racket as he continued to move quickly. You were beginning to have trouble keeping up with him before you stopped to catch your breath. That’s when you heard it.

More voices. Muffled, but one of them stood out to you.

“I’m not telling you anything. You’ll have to kill me.”

Juyeon.

You followed his voice. The strain in it made your heart squeeze in your chest as you landed in front of two metal doors. Taking a small step forward, you laid your hands on them, bringing your ear to listen.

“Your majesty has invested a lot in his kids to take over when he passes. The oldest has the most power. Just give us what we want, and we’ll let you go. We hate to have to kill the King’s best guard.” An unfamiliar voice said.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you stepped back. You had to help him! Letting your hands slide down the cool metal, you gripped the handles of the doors before ripping them open. Everyone in the room froze.

The men in front of you were dirty. Faces and clothes covered in muck and blood. Dirt and grime built up under their fingernails. They had small blades equipped to their sides as one of them had Juyeon on his knees with the blade to the side of his throat.

“Y/N,” Juyeon breathed out, eyes widening.

“Your highness,” The man holding Juyeon down spoke. “What a pleasure.”

He grinned, giving way to a nasty, greasy smile. His teeth were black and rotted, holes on just about every tooth that was visible.

“We’ve been waiting for you.” The man spoke again.

You eyed Juyeon. One of his eyes was swollen shut. Cuts on his cheek, nose, and lip all swollen. His clothes were badly ripped with dried blood stains and dirty caked all over them.

“Don’t hurt him.” You said softly.

The men started to laugh as Juyeon attempted to free himself, only for the man to push the blade closer to his neck.

Juyeon stopped struggling as he swallowed, looking over you. He couldn’t believe you were in front of him, and while he was grateful you were okay, he was so afraid they would hurt you.

“Y/N, leave now.”

“What do you want?” You asked the man with the blade.

“Stop asking questions, just leave.”

The man tilted his head, the grin never leaving his face. “You. You don’t even know how much money someone will pay for you. Dead or alive.”

One of his men took a hold of Juyeon and the blade as he took a step towards you.

“Stay away!” Juyeon yelled, beginning to struggle again.

The man stopped in front of you. He was much taller than you, causing you to crane your head up at him. He reached one of his dirty hands up to your hair, sliding a loose strand behind your ear.

“I’ll do whatever you want,” You started.

“Y/N, no!”

“Just, please, don’t hurt him. He means the world to me. I can’t live if he doesn’t. I’ll give you everything I have, every secret I know about the kingdom. You have to let Juyeon go, though.” You told the man quietly.

He looked over you. “Sounds tempting.”

Before he could speak again, one of the men yelled out in pain before dropping to the ground. He was bleeding from his back, an arrow sticking out.

“What the hell?” One of the men exclaimed.

“Someone freed the archer!”

Everything happened so quickly. Multiple men dropped, all from arrows as Juyeon tripped the man holding him. Knocking him out, he grabbed ahold of the blade, cutting the rope around his hands before standing.

The man in front of you grabbed you, pulling you into him as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders, trapping you against him. He moved to a corner away from the window all the men got shot from. He pulled out another blade from his boot, holding it to your neck. Juyeon stayed where he was as he watched the man.

“You’re outnumbered. My crew came back for me. It’s only a matter of time before they close in on us. Especially if they freed Hyunjae.” Juyeon told the man as he took a step closer.

The man brought the blade to your side, pushing on it just slightly to apply pressure, making you gasp. Juyeon stopped.

“Hyung!”

Eric’s voice boomed through the hollow walls of the bunker as multiple footsteps echoed throughout the room. Soon all the royal guards had gathered in the room. They stood by Juyeon’s side as the man spoke.

“I’ll do it! I’m all that’s left! I have nothing to live for! But killing the oldest blood of the King, I’ll be legendary. Don’t think I won’t do it!”

Sangyeon and Hyunjae were the last to enter as Sangyeon drew his sword while Hyunjae drew an arrow. Both boys stood at attention, armed and ready to take down the man holding you. A standoff had presumably taken place. Everyone was waiting for someone to make the first move. That’s when you felt the blade dip through the material of your riding gear, beginning to pierce your skin. He was slowly adding more pressure so as to not draw attention to the fact that he was stabbing you. You had to find a way to free yourself.

You moved both your hands up to the arm that was holding you to his chest as you locked eyes with Hyunjae. Your movement made all the boys step forward as the man pulled back as best he could, pushing the blade a little farther into you. You whimpered before scratching at the man’s hand, giving Hyunjae a nod.

Hyunjae let the arrow he had drawn go as it hit the man square in the middle of his hand. The man yelled out in pain as you pulled away and dropped to the floor. Juyeon copied your movements, meeting you halfway as he pulled you into his arms. Hyunjae quickly drew another arrow before letting it fly, effectively silencing the yelling man. You looked over at his lifeless body, watching Sangyeon and Hyunjae make sure he was dead as someone pulled the blade out of your side.

You gasped as you turned in Juyeon’s arms. Younghoon was on one knee, hand held tight to your side to slow down the bleeding.

“Hyung, we have to move now. This cut is deep!” Younghoon told him.

He helped Juyeon lift you as you all worked your way back through the bunker to the exit. You went out the same way you came in thanks to Changmin’s markings on the walls. When you exited, a brigade of soldiers stood outside the bunker with your father at the helm. The men tapped at his shoulder before he turned, watching his guards carry you out.

You clung tightly to Juyeon, who did the same as he went straight to a free horse, loading you and himself up on the saddle. Your father pushed through the guards, shooting a glance at Sangyeon as he tried to catch up with Juyeon who was more worried about the deep cut on your side than debriefing with the King.

“Juyeon, let me,”

“No!” He said before taking off.

Juyeon would deal with the consequences of talking back later. He needed to get you to safety. As he rode, he continued to sneak glances down at you, not wanting to take his eyes off you. He needed you to stay awake. Just until he got you to the castle, but you were losing so much blood.

“Just stay with me, okay? We’re almost there!” Juyeon said as he willed the horse to go faster.

You figured you had enough strength to speak, and just as you opened your mouth, you blacked out.

When you came to, it was dark. The only light coming from a small candle lit by the bed you were in. Your eyes took a minute to adjust as you looked around the room. You were home. You were in your room. You continued to look around to be sure before seeing a figure standing by your window, a figure you recognized all too well.

“Juyeon,” You rasped out.

Juyeon turned on his heels quickly, eyes widening as he strided over to the side of your bed. He dropped to his knees, grabbing your hand as he gently kissed your knuckles.

He gave you a soft smile. “Hi. You’re awake.”

You looked over his face as you frowned. The swelling had gone down, blacks, blues, and discolored greens decorated his face.

“Don’t worry. It hurts worse than it looks.”

You scoffed. “That doesn’t make me feel better, Juyeon.”

The boy chuckled. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

It was at this moment you realized that you had been out for quite some time.

“How long have I been,” Juyeon interrupted.

“Three days.”

Your eyes widened as you tried to sit up, letting out a gasp at the sharp pain that reverberated throughout your body from your side. Juyeon gently stopped you, helping you lay back down.

“Don’t try to move. Your stitches could break.” Juyeon whispered.

You pulled your hand from the boy’s grasp, gently cupping his cheek to keep from hurting him. Juyeon didn’t let you be too gentle as he took the feather-like touch as an opportunity to nuzzle into your hand.

“You’re okay? Everyone is okay?” You whispered out into the dark room.

The candlelight flickered, casting shadows across Juyeon’s face as he nodded. “Everyone is okay.”

You let out a deep sigh of relief as you finally relaxed. You looked up at the ceiling before looking back at the boy.

He had a ghost of a smile on his face as you spoke. “What?”

He shrugged. “You saved me. You risked your life…for me.”

You nodded. “Of course I did! You’re the love of my life. I’d give up everything for you. Even if it means not being a royal anymore.”

The boy leaned down to gently peck your lips, but you wanted more. You grasped his face, pulling him closer as you laid a more full kiss to his lips. At first, Juyeon tensed up, not wanting to hurt you. Then he relaxed, letting himself get lost in the kiss. He pulled away, leaning his forehead against yours as he chuckled to himself.

“I missed you so much.” Juyeon said.

Pecking his lips once more, you grinned. “I missed you more.”

“I’m still not happy that you risked your life to come save me, though.”

You shrugged. “What is it that you said before you left? Like a moth to a flame, right?”

Juyeon let his eyes close as he let out a breathless laugh. “Touché.”

Juyeon gently crawled into bed with you, maneuvering you around into a comfy position so that he could hold you without hurting you. You guys laid quietly on the bed, just holding each other as the morning sun peeked into the room.

Juyeon looked towards the window, letting out a yawn as he got up.

“Wait,” You said, keeping a firm grasp on his large hand. “Help me up.”

He hesitated. “I really think you should stay in bed.”

“Lee Juyeon, I’ve been in this bed for three days. It’s time for me to get up. I won’t get better laying down all day every day.”

The boy shook his head, cursing your stubbornness as he helped you to your feet. You were wearing clean cotton clothing that was soft to the touch. The bandage wrapped tightly around your abdomen, moving ever so slightly catching your stitches. The slight pinch made you wince as you took a deep breath before looking up at the boy.

Even like this, Juyeon was in complete awe of you. You were amazing. The boy let go of your hands to cup your face, wanting to give you another kiss before a knock sounded at the door.

You called out to the person as the door pushed open. Hyunjae popped his head in as he smiled, bowing to you.

“Your highness, good to see you out of bed.” Hyunjae told you. “Juyeon, his majesty would like a word with you.”

Juyeon stared at the boy for a moment before nodding. He looked at you as he gave you a small smile. You shook your head, going to speak before he stopped you.

“It’s okay.” He whispered.

His hands dropped from your face, to his sides as he headed for the door. Hyunjae gave him a sad smile as he patted his back. The moment he exited the room, your heart dropped. You really thought your father would spare him since he saved you. Hyunjae looked back at you as he walked over, helping you sit on the bed.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. We tried to change his mind.” Hyunjae said softly.

You could only nod. “Could you help me to the greenhouse? I just want to be outside and alone for a moment.”

Hyunjae nodded, standing and holding out his hand for you to take. He walked you to the greenhouse, opening the door as you let go of his hand. You sat on one of the benches, breathing in the fresh air as you awaited the dreadful news praying that your father would at least let Juyeon say goodbye to you.

The flowers were in full bloom. Pretty peonies, tulips, and lavenders decorated the greenhouse. Different fruit trees grow throughout the grounds. Your mother took pride in making the greenhouse beautiful. She had her reasons for picking each plant, specifically the peonies because they were able to withstand even the harshest weather conditions, constantly growing back no matter what. It was a peaceful oasis to escape to when things became too much. That’s where you would always end up, and where Juyeon always knew to look for you first.

The footsteps behind you brought back all too familiar memories as you shut your eyes tightly. You kept them close as the footsteps got closer, practically closing in on you. They stopped behind you before you felt the bench shift just slightly.

“One day I’m going to hide somewhere different to get away from everything. When you come looking for me here first, I’ll be gone.” You said softly.

The laugh you loved so much filled the large greenhouse. “That will certainly be a first. It’s too bad I’m always one step ahead of you. I always know where you are and where you’re going before you do. Part of my job.”

His statement made you let out a breathless laugh as you opened your eyes. When you looked at him, he was already staring at you. His cat-like eyes showed nothing but love.

“How much trouble did you get into?”

Juyeon smiled as he grabbed your hand. “A lot. I was relieved of my duties,”

You felt your shoulders slump. So much for holding out hope. You had hoped your father would be lenient on Juyeon like he was with Sangyeon.

“I’m sorry, Juyeon. I’m so sorry.” You whispered.

Juyeon chuckled. “Don’t be. He already got me another job.”

You smiled sadly. “Where is he sending you to?”

Juyeon let out a breath as he began to grin. “I have to be the head guard for this spoiled royal brat. Follow them around, watch their every move. Make sure they stay out of trouble and obey their father.”

His last comment made your head shoot in his direction. “You, you’re not leaving?”

Juyeon shook his head, dark fringe falling in front of his eyes as you jumped into his arms. Your weight hit him like a truck making him grunt as he wrapped his arms around you.

“You’re stuck with me, your highness.” Juyeon said as he nuzzled his face into your neck.

You felt him leave soft, feather-like kisses on your neck before lifting his head to peck your cheek, then your temple. You pulled away, pulling the boy into a deep kiss. He held onto you as tight as he could without hurting you as you both pulled apart.

“I love you. No one on this planet can keep me from you. I hope you know that.” Juyeon said with the utmost confidence.

Nodding, you pecked his lips. “I know. And I love you too.”

He went to pull you in for another kiss before you turned your head, making his lips land on your cheek.

“What was that for?”

“Lee Juyeon, I am not a brat.” You exclaimed.

A big, sly smile made its way to Juyeon’s face as he tilted his head. “You most certainly are a brat, but that’s okay because I want you to be my brat until the peonies stop growing back.”

“That might take a while,” You teased.

He shrugged, pecking your lips. “The rest of your life okay?”

thank you so much for reading! like and reblog if you enjoyed and let me know how you liked it! feedback is always welcome🤍🤍

[hausofanya]

“isn't this is so fun? everyone having a good time? i hope you are. grab a snack if you're still watching, we're gonna be here a while."

cléo offers the camera a smile, walking idly down the plush pink carpet as she talks. "music is so special to everyone here, no matter if you've debuted just this month or over ten years ago. we all poured relentless time and energy into chasing a dream ignited within us. and i think it's important to show that everyone can make it if they put their all into it." laying a hand over her heart, she adds, "i can personally attest to that."

before she can continue though, her attention is captured by someone waving excitedly, barely in frame. cléo brightens immediately, beginning where she left off as she approaches her next interviewee. "and these lovely ladies can second that. hello and welcome!"

the group bows first before doing their greeting, the members introduce themselves staring with the leader. minsu flashes a bright smile at cléo, being the one who had been waving. "hi! i'm minsu, the leader", the rest of the girls following suit with a cute greeting of their own. members wy, reya, yuvi, rivière, and suyin introduce themselves to the camera, with suyin providing the closing grin and a cute wink. "and we are cherryday!"

"it's so good to see all of you! you all look incredible. what are you ladies wearing?"

rivière, always the fashion enthusiast, pipes up, "we're wearing younvzs which is a small brand we're supporting! uh... the theme that we decided on was blooming flowers since we are coming back to show more colors than ever before, so all of us have some sort of floral motif in our dresses."

cléo lets out a soft ooohh as camera gives each members their own moment, lightly clapping as she praises the design choices. "it's cold out, but it's definitely spring somewhere, hm? i love it. what are three things you can't live without?"

wy starts to speak. "as a group--"

reya interrupts her. "it would probably be yuvi's laptop." the other members agree, suyin even adding, "oh yeah! that's our money maker!" yuvi gives a nervous smile and bow before looking at minsu.

"her bag," she adds, pointing at the leader, rivière agreeing with quick nods. "yesyes!! she has everything in there." off to the side, yuvi seems to nudge wy in the background, urging her to speak up as well. "uh... yeah... and a first aid kit probably." she fades off and the rest of the members nod, a slight sense of awkwardness settling over the group.

"you're the first person to mention some kind of aid, you know." cléo smiles at wy, who offers a timid one in return. "very practical. how bout some news? anything shocking happen to you this year? did it make or break anything for the group?"

minsu pipes up once again. "probably our ep announcement! we were just chilling one day when suddenly our managers called us for recordings. apparently yuvi had submitted some songs that they really liked!"

there's a pause as everyone nods in agreement before suyin gasps. "oh! and the thing... the alc thing." there's various exclamations of agreement from everyone as cléo looks intrigued, and suyin leans towards her to speak in a whisper. "someone we know got too wasted and decided to run away... yeah she was missing for a whole week and everyone was in panic." the response is vague, bit it's not easy to miss the sideways glances at wy, the tallest girl present.

cléo raises her brows but doesn't comment, merely offering her condolences for the unfortunate incident. "congrats on your ep as well! everyone, go support their girls as they promote their newest musical venture. i'm sure the fans will enjoy it--and hopefully keep their reactions at a comfortable level. but i'm sure there are stories about a fan or two going above and beyond.. care to share?"

the group looks around at each other, wondering which of their fan interactions to mention. a few of them are obviously public -- like the crate of letters written in blood that was sent of glasshouse after they had bought rights to the group back in 2017 and added wy-- but that seems to harsh to mention in the current joyous mood.

yuvi however, famously known for sharing information they aren't supposed to share, speaks up after a moment's pause. "uhh... it was probably the boxes of bras along with photos of us lounging at home that we had received at our older dorms... per member... that was really creepy actually, we had to move out immediately. the girls agree, a few of them shuddering.

"what is it with some.. 'fans' and their odd affinities for undergarments and stalking?" cléo offers a sympathetic grimace, shaking her head. "you ladies are also invited to my group therapy session. i think we all need it. but how about something fun, now? what's the weirdest thing you've ever googled?"

the group erupts into giggles, all of them shoving each other and giving looks. obviously this seems to be an inside joke much to cléo's surprise, and reya chooses to answer and include the host in the little game.

"each time we meet someone or have a party that is one of the first questions we ask." she smiles as cléo gives a slight laugh in delight. "i'll tell you mine though... i once googled 'male pregnant'." she smiles embarrassed as the other girls erupt into laughter. "in my defense, i was a sleep deprived medical student trying to do a research paper on pregnancies and their effects!!!" she exclaims in trying to defend herself.

as the giggles die down, yuvi, always curious about gossip, reaches for cléo's mic and asks her in a serious tone, "you should tell us yours!! it's ritual." when did this interview flip??

cléo takes the sudden questioning in stride, hiding a quiet laugh behind her hands before she leans forward to answer. "it's not really weird, i suppose? but everyone knows what fanfiction is. and i may or may not have browsed an archive of our own page or two just to see what my popular ships are. and-"

she leans in even more, clearly enjoying the spotlight if only for a little bit. "let's just say the popular ships may or may not have some truth to them. that's all i'm going to say! i'll take my mic back now, thank you."

cléo just smiles as a crash can definitely be heard behind the camera, the girls tittering beside her in amusement as she steers the interview back on course. "enough about music for a bit. do any of you have any drama you'd like for me to know? it's ritual," she teases back.

"our fans will always be our special someones!" wy says, finally speaking up as the rest of the group nods and agrees. although if you listen close you can hear a very faint 'of course you'd say that...' but it is quickly covered up by the rushed farewell and dazzling smile of the leader.

cléo simply waves as they're pulled away, huffing a faint laugh in surprise.

"sound off in the comments if you think they read fanfiction out loud like poetry."

you can find cherryday at @cherywrld ! thanks so much for joining the event !

[ohthehypocrisy]

The Problem with Paradox Pokemon: A Primer (And other Probable Interpretations)

It's been a while since the story of Pokemon Scarlet and Violet had ended, and while we now know what was the hidden treasure of Area Zero, the Paradox Pokemon are still a big mystery. Like, are they really the forms of pokemon from an era beyond time? Or are they just the wild dreams born of a careless professor's obsession?

We'll most likely never know the real answer, so the best we can do is to put together all the information available to us and form a hypothesis. There are other theories abound about the true nature of Paradox Pokemon, but I won't be referring to them here, to keep my own tangent clean and distilled. You are welcome to seek them out if you disagree with my thesis, but I think one must consider all opinions first. Basically, you can believe what you want, but at the very least hear me out first.

Let's begin by debunking a common misconception about the Past Paradox Pokemon. These are the PokeDex entries for Scream Tail;

There are two key points to take away from these entries. The first is that nearly all the information regarding Paradox Pokemon is sourced from a paranormal magazine, the Occulture series to be specific. Now, the PokeDex itself is already a dubious source of information given how nonsensical it can be, but then you've got official entries sourced from a fanatical magazine that's been described as 'disingenuous' in-universe. The fact that players took the information at face value caused great misconceptions about Paradox Pokemon as a whole, such as the placement in prehistory of the ancient forms.

Yeah, a Jigglypuff from one billion years ago is one of the most dubious claims about Paradox Pokemon as a whole. Why? Because multicellular life didn't start forming on Earth at that time. Yes, the Jigglypuff species had to have come from somewhere, but certainly not 1 billion years ago. Given how close the similarities are to Jigglypuff, Scream Tail may have been around closer to several hundred million years ago, not a billion. I mean, it's evolution, in the literal sense, so of course most pokemon will have an identifiable ancestor in the past.

Speaking of which, since the Paradox Pokemon of the past come from a time where everything was still evolving, does that make the fossil pokemon paradoxes as well? Well, the short answer is yes, and no.

Yes, they are paradox pokemon in the sense that they've been brought to our time through scientific means, but the logistics make all the difference. For one, these fossil pokemon are species that have gone extinct, which is the key word here. They have contemporary families in the present day, like Aerodactyl and its fellow dragon kin, but there is no true Pterosaur in the modern age, so these fossil pokemon aren't true paradoxes for that reason. The other reason being that the method of retrieval is different, as fossil resurrection is not the same as being caught and taken through a time machine. There's a very important distinction between making a modern miracle out of a jurassic farce, and what was essentially casting a fishing line through a time portal.

Scream Tail, Flutter Mane, Sandy Shocks, they can all be considered fossil pokemon in a sense, but they definitely did not go extinct over time, for obvious reasons. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how it is that a paradox version of Misdreavus exists but not that of Mismagius? Same goes for Wigglytuff as well, where's Screech Tail or whatever?

Well, I bring up these three because the evolutionary contemporaries in Wigglytuff, Mismagius, and Magnezone are only a recent development in the power dynamic of these pokemon. What do I mean? I mean to say that the reason why we have paradox forms of Jigglypuff, Misdreavus, and Magneton is because evolution stones didn't exist back then. They were still hiding within the earth, buried deep within the mountains, out of reach of these pokemon until humans came around and decided to dig stuff up. And whaddya know, some of those cool rocks do cool things to some pokemon when they're used together, isn't that neat?

This also means that Past Paradox forms of pokemon like Nosepass, Murkrow, or even Eevee definitely exist, which is fun to think about.

One last thing to mention about Paradox Pokemon. Everyone seems to think that all of these ancient forms all come from the same time period, and that's not necessarily the truth. In real paleontology, organisms took over the world as multicellular beings starting in the Cambrian era. This period began at around 550 Million Years Ago (I told you the dex entry for Scream Tail was incredibly uncredible) and it was when life was still figuring things out. Then you've got the evolution of plants, fish, crabs, mollusks, before eventually they started coming out of the water and got the whole ball rolling. The era of the dinosaurs started 252 Million Years Ago in the Mesozoic Era, which is where some of the fossil pokemon hail from. The Ice Age, where elephants and rhinos were all covered in hair, started around 2 Million Years Ago and is called the Pleistocene.

I'm not a scientist, but I just wanted to put it into perspective how life has persisted on this planet in different forms for years on end, and that no two eras are alike, even the ones close to each other. It's ignorant to assume the Paradox Pokemon of the Past, or the Future I suppose, all came from a single period of time, but there isn't any reason to assume otherwise. Maybe that's the Paradox, that these creatures come from an ambiguous past or future, but there's no way to know for sure. I know for a fact that these ancient creatures didn't come from 1 billion years ago, as the Occulture magazine boldly claims.

For now, we have to assume that the Paradox Pokemon all come from the same walks of life in the past, as well as the future, if only for the fact that they all share identical abilities in Protosynthesis and Quark Drive. The Pokemon TCG seems to enjoy these shots of all the Paradox Pokemon coming together. And to be honest, I love it as well. There's no reason for these pictures to go as hard as they do.

(Tumblr won't let me post a higher quality version of these images here, so go to the Paradox Pokemon page on Bulbapedia if you want to use these as a banner or something.)

Now let's move on to the future Paradox Pokemon and clear up some more misconceptions about them. In nature and in machinery, every design decision is deliberate. But what happens when both come together and forge the future of the ecosystem? What crazy contraptions will be born of the manipulation of genes and behavior?

There are two takes to consider when it comes to predicting the future. The first being that nothing is set in stone, anything can happen, and the infinite possibilities of the future means that anything and everything can and will happen, given enough time, of course.

The second take is that the future is ours to decide, which is also true. What we do today is the foundation of tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, ad nauseum until our natural lives come to an end. Of course, some things will continue to influence history long after we perish, like the accomplishments of those that came before us, such as the discovery of fire or agriculture.

I say all of this to give some credence to the Occulture magazine, despite how ridiculous it may be. Like, the idea that Iron Hands is an athlete revived through cybernetics, or that Iron Jugulis was born of a Hydreigon and a robot's love. I do not believe that any of these wild claims are legitimate in any way, but the nature of the future suggests that these are all possible, given enough time.

But to claim the Occulture magazine's content as proof is folly, since there is no way to prove any of it is real. And then you have the theory that Iron Bundle is actually a robot from the ancient past, which discredits the entire thing completely, since it and the other future Paradox Pokemon were all brought to the current timeline from a single possible future. Again, I also have no proof of that, but the fact that all future Paradox Pokemon share the same ability leads me to believe that they all come from a specific point in time in the future, one that can be predicted based on context clues.

Looking at these creatures, it's clear they were all 'designed' by a single person or entity, perhaps a company. They all share the same LED eye panels, coded lighting, and a chrome colored shiny alternate appearance. That leads me to propose the theory that the Paradox Pokemon of the future are man made creatures built in service of humanity and to restore life on earth, in an auxiliary form.

I already went on about how the future cannot be predicted, but developments in human technology do paint a clear picture for us. For one, space travel is a given, since the pokemon world can easily send a child into space to combat an alien asteroid.

Also time travel is a thing? I'm not talking about the machine in Area Zero, I mean the Link Cable system in Gen 2 where players can send pokemon back and forth to Gen 1, but the story canon takes place a few years later, so it's called time travel instead of straight up trading. Weird how we forget about this stuff...

I'm digressing. My point is, technology in the Pokemon World is far more advanced than our own. That is evident enough through the sheer existence of PokeBalls, the thing we use to catch and train Pokemon. It's not a matter of if but when humans in that world will reach an advanced enough state that they can actually make cybernetic pokemon like the Future Paradox forms.

The first step in technological mastery would usually be space travel, but cybernetic augmentation is sometimes a close second. Science fiction typically depicts an advanced neural network as a necessity to interface with the world wide web as it appears in the far-flung future. We know the pokemon are all cyberized, but would the people of the future become cybernetic as well? Anything goes when it comes to the future, but this advanced evolution of humans would probably be called Iron Hominid or something to that effect.

It wouldn't be without cause. Something would have to have happened that necessitated evolving into a cybernetic form necessary for survival. Perhaps a premature extinction event took place, taking on the form of a virulent disease, requiring iron bodies in order to preserve life on earth. Maybe an alien invasion dwindled the numbers of all life on earth, requiring a manual reboot of the ecosystem, so to speak, so humanity took to reinventing pokemon to fill the ecological niche opened up by the great war.

However it happened, all the iron pokemon we know about were built to replace what was lost. To that end, it can be assumed that, in the distant future of Iron Hominid, the future Paradox Pokemon we see in game are all extinct pokemon brought back to life through iron bodies, in the same way fossil pokemon are restored in the modern era. I mean, why not, right? They would have preserved the bones and data of all pokemon discovered, so they would be revived through cybernetic means in order to restore the ecosystem of the planet.

But these are humans we are talking about. It can never be just about doing the right thing. Most likely, the iron pokemon restored would be revived to work in service to humans, since life on earth is delicate enough to justify controlled groups of 'wild' iron pokemon. I'm sure there are truly free grottos of nature somewhere on the planet in the future, but we also have to assume the Iron Hominids have also mastered space flight, which means plenty of planets open for terraforming, so helpful pokemon born into servitude will most likely outnumber the population of 'unmodified' pokemon.

With that in mind, we can extrapolate a clear 'purpose' each of the future paradox pokemon were designed with. Iron Treads, the big wheel elephant, is most likely used for terraforming lands and plains. One Iron Treads by itself may not be able to do a whole lot, but if you needed a big plot of land tilled and ready for farming, you can't go wrong with a mini fleet of Iron Treads chewing up the ground for you.

Iron Bundle has the ability to pull together water from the atmosphere, and then serve it chilled with its built in cooling systems. It's also one of the more expressive iron pokemon, as its LED eyes are programmed beyond the bare minimum of expression. That leads me to believe it is made to dispense water when thirsty humans ask for it. It could also be used to pull in unclean water and purify it within its body, although I think another undiscovered iron pokemon would be better suited for that role.

Iron Hands may have been built to facilitate easier construction. I'd imagine those big magnetic hands easily capable of clipping large panels and lifting them into place to be bolted in. In contrast, Iron Thorns may have been built for demolition, since it was modeled after Tyranitar, a pokemon with a reputation for destruction.

The pokemon chosen for cybernetic revival are done so with a clear purpose in mind, I'd imagine. For instance, Iron Moth would be best suited for absorbing radiation and emitting it safely as UV rays in areas that receive little or no sunlight, since this was something Volcarona was thought to have done long ago. This would also make it a perfect fit for terraforming planets that have difficulty maintaining plant life for humans to farm with.

And then you have iron pokemon built for the personal need of humans. Iron Jugulis is clearly meant to be an aerial drone, keeping security of the airspace above governmental buildings. In contrast, Iron Valiant would work as personal security, as an unfeeling machine that will not stop until all perceived threats are eliminated, something similar to what Gardevoir or Gallade would have done in the past.

This is something fanartists of the future Paradox Pokemon seem to understand intrinsically, as the deliberate designs conform to the nature of the pokemon they're based off of. Though to be fair, I've seen some stellar fanart of Paradox Pokemon on both sides of the spectrum. I'd show you some, but I don't have permission to share the art, not that I've asked. Instead, you should go and have a looksee at all the wonderful designs here on Tumblr and on Twitter.

It's just a little sad that we might not ever see any more Paradox Pokemon after this generation. I mean, they were clearly pulled in from a time machine built by one crazy professor, so it's not likely we'll see more new Paradox Pokemon show up, for story reasons. And on that note, we might not even see the existing Paradox Pokemon again either, unless they were brought in through a glitchy Ultra Beast Wormhole or Hoopa's Hyperspace Hole or something.

But you know, we might be seeing Paradox Pokemon again in a different kind of game. You all know how Pokemon loves its spin-offs, so I'd imagine we'd see a few more pop up here and there.

What about a dedicated game all about Paradox Pokemon? I might be cooking something up about that, but you'll have to wait and see.

Thank you for reading this far. Sorry if I haven't posted in a while, but like I said, I'm cooking up something based on Paradox Pokemon. It's not quite ready yet, but I should have it done by next week. Until then, sit and stew and think about Paradox Pokemon, one of the best things to have come out of modern pokemon, collectively speaking.

Until next time.

[wanderingmind867]

I wanted to give Martian Manhunter a bit of a rogues gallery, since he never really had one in the 60s. So I took the liberty of trying to create some villains for him. I may continue working on it at school. And this was probably my most original idea: I based his powers, backstory and even his initials on my real life. The Conqueror of Constants: the Enemy of Time!

The Conqueror of Constants (Sean Casey): Sean Casey is a man beaten down by the passage of time. He's only 40, and yet he feels like he's been alive 3000 years. His mother died when he was 17. His father died in a car crash when he was 35. He's never been able to make any close friends, and his whole life has felt like nothing but chaos. Constant shifting of the earth beneath his feet, constant changing. It's ruined his life. Why can't things just stay the same!?

Driven mad with desperation, Casey flung himself into researching a way to slow time down to a crawl. For five years (ever since his father died), he's holed himself up in a bunker and slowly worked to perfect his machinery. And recently, he finally did it. He managed to get his machine to work. A wrist mounted cannon that fires a beam; a beam with the ability to freeze time around an object, keeping them alive and immortal, albeit stuck at their present apperance, age and point in time. Never again will time ruin his life. Never again will time steal from him! No, he'll steal from time! Now he is the Conqueror of Constants, Enemy of Time!

First drawn to J'onn's attention when J'onn has to investigate a series of robberies in town where the people never noticed anything was missing until a full 24 hours later, J'onn realized he was pulling off his robberies by stopping time around the bank, meaning the brains of all the people within the bank were stuck at their present moment in time. They only saw life as it was, never dreaming he was stealing all the money in the bank in the meantime.

J'onn tries to trail this so called "Conqueror of Constants" by following him while in disguised in his human identity of Detective John Jones. But when "John" manages to break into the Conqueror's lab, that's when J'onn finally realizes he's outmatched. Because Sean Casey trains his time cannon on J'onn, and freezes him in his human body. He can't shapeshift back, no matter how hard he tries. He's stuck in his human form, helpless to use any of his martian powers.

Thankfully, the Conqueror underestimated the Manhunter's skill, even when trapped in an ordinary mortal body. J'onn still manages to stop Sean Casey's wave of crime, but he's sadly unable to restore himself back to his martian apperance. For around 10 issues of his comic, I'd have J'onn stuck in ordinary detective mode. It's only after a chance encounter with Doctor Light (back on his quest to pick off the members of the Justice League one by one), that J'onn manages to regain his shapeshifting abilities and become the Martian Manhunter once again. Somehow Doctor Light's blinding lights managed to break the mental block J'onn was stuck under, which was certainly very bad news for Doctor Light.

But back to the Conqueror of Constants: He continues to appear all throughout Martian Manhunter's comic, constantly trying to find new ways to preserve things as they are. At one point, he manages to freeze J'onn while he's Invisible. At another point, he invents a time reversal ray and gets J'onn stuck inside his memories of his past on Mars. The Conqueror of Constants is always finding ways to beat time!

In fact, he even shows up in a crossover story with Martian Manhunter, Green Arrow and Speedy (otherwise known as me testing out giving these three their own stories, like Superman, Batman and Robin had). In that story, him and Clock King end up very reluctantly teaming up, using their control over time and clocks to wreak havok all across North America. Only J'onn, Green Arrow and Speedy can stop them.

But in any case, I think the Conqueror of Constants is an amazing villian idea, and I think he should definitely fight more people than just Martian Manhunter. Martian Manhunter is his main foe, but he's capable of going toe to toe with just about anyone. Superman? Batman? The Flash? Aquaman? I'm sure we could find clever story ideas with Sean fighting any one of these heroes.

[rockmiyabideusexmachina]

2024 Megaman Valentine's Day/White Day Contest Results!

Hopefully this post won't feel too rushed; it certainly is rare for me to get contest results posted before 2 days have passed. Once again, I thank everyone who drew something for this year's event, as well as those who helped spread the word. Even with a smaller turnout, you guys still made it really hard on me to choose winners. All your art is deserving of praise! I wish I could afford to give you all some prize money! While I am posting this right now a little late into the evening in my time zone, I will be sending all the winners a message about your prize winnings soon enough, later tonight. If you don't see something right away, just know my message is on the way, within the next few hours. After the break, you will see all the pics and this year's winners!

As usual, after each entrant’s name, there will be a link to their entry, too, just in case the inserted images don’t load for you. With a smaller turnout this year, everything has been uploaded into a single imgbox gallery folder. Should be alphabetical by alias for each category, with the first 7 images for Cat. 1, and the last 4 images in Cat. 2.

[Full entry gallery]

CATEGORY 1 (Talent): Black and White Day

For this category, participants were tasked with creating an image celebrating White Day, with the requirement that their art mimic the "rubber hose" art style from around the 1920's. All entries needed to use a black and white or monochrome palette. 1.) HikariLux [Entry] [GB Alternate] $175 Winner!

A cute scene with Rock presenting Alia with a ring that was made even better by adding an alternate original Gameboy palette pixel version of the same art. That added creativity made an adorable pic stand out even more, to give two different retro vibes to your art.

2.) @eulogysinger [Entry] $100 Winner!

As an overall scene, your piece felt the most like it was screencapped straight out of a 20's cartoon, so I give you your props on getting your style to match so well! You can feel the movement with the curve in the Big Snakey's necks as Snake Man slides on down to Toad with his candy bouquet gift.

3.) @sylviidaee [Entry] $75 Winner!

Sure, because of all the Axess storyboard posts I've been doing lately, this trio is probably in my mind more lately. But animating your piece to give it that added life, as the guys bonk each other with their gifts for Mariko, helped boost your entry into the top 3! LOL at the fish crying when Masa gets bonked. And again, style-wise, great job pulling off the rubber hose look.

And the rest of the wonderful entries in alphabetical order by alias: Kaitlin.EXE [Entry]

Y'arr, that Pirate Man be takin' the girl and a pricey pearl wit 'em. But I bet once Diveye the Sailor Man eats his seaweed, that Pirate has a few punches coming to him. Retro Splashy's design is so cute! Totally a fun scene and creative takes on all three.

Komito [Entry]

Like a vintage Norman Rock(man)well painting, the diner scene truly gives off the retro vibes, from the checkboard floor to Big Boy waiter Rock in the background. Love the touch of Splashy's straw curving into a heart shape as she longingly stares at Blues.

@wennastudio [Entry]

I get the vibe of Axl imitating Porky Pig here, saying "That's All Folks!" to end the episode, as he pops out before the fades out. And since you are alphabetically last, it makes your piece even more fitting to close out this category's pics with this cute piece!

CATEGORY 2 (Humor): Showing Some Skins

For this category, entries needed to contain a character wearing an out-of-place holiday-themed skin or outfit that was not Valentine's Day-related, while in a Valentine's Day scene or setting. Being the humor category, the more it makes us laugh, the better! 1.) @aurantia-ignis [Entry] $175 Winner!

🎵Zero the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul...but are YOU happy, Ciel? I love how Zero took White Day this literally to don this amusing snowman outfit. And out of all the entries for this category, you pulled off the absurdly humorous costume the best.

2.) @drewblossom [Entry] $100 Winner!

It might just be a simple party hat, but I mean, Bass isn't wrong. Subtle, but I was amused! The heart shaped speech bubble was a nice touch to help sell the dialogue's punch line as well.

3.) AbilityField [Entry] $75 Winner!

Clever way to show the rush in changing between events, as RiCO is in part Valentine's skin and part Celebration skin dress that are digitally switching. ViA has it much easier throwing on a coat. It's always easier for the guys to get ready, as they say.

4.) Miralie [Entry]

While Zero and Iris are dressed for the day, X's date does sort of have that Halloween vibe to her, as a witch. While Axl is clearly enjoying Singles Awareness Day...or doing his best Stuart Smalley impression by giving his Daily Affirmation that he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone it, Reploids like him.

[rockofeye]

Ogou, a project finally finished, and upcoming possibilities!

The calendar has gotten ahead of me, and here we are again on a jou fet/feast day for Ogou. It's been quiet around these parts for a minute (more on that below..), and it feels like that kind of timing that puts you in exactly the right place at the right moment. Funny how divine providence works.

If you've hung around for a minute, you know the story I'm going to tell. Maybe I sound like an old person who walked barefoot up a hill in three feet of snow to go to school, but it's something that stuck with me and it's something that really did change my life.

Today is St. George's feast day, which is a day given to at least one Ogou for most if not all vodouizan; it's probably one of few overarching pieces of sameness that you can find country-wide in Haiti. Ogou is central to Vodou; it was Ogou Feray and Ogou Je Wouj who sprang up during Bwa Kayiman and who stoked the revolutionary spark that made the first free Black republic a reality. He is probably more central than he is given credit for; he is certainly overlooked at times in favor of others.

I've had the grace to not be able to overlook Ogou. He made sure of that when he (among others) brought me to my spiritual mother and the lineage named after nasyon Nago, the family of Ogou.

He also made sure of that when I was careening down a very bumpy road towards kanzo. It was 8 years ago now (!!) that I was sitting in an apartment that I would end up abandoning not knowing how in the hell I was going to get everything in order for kanzo just a few months later. I didn't have the money, I didn't have the stuff I needed, I don't even think I had my passport at that point. I was in serious trouble, and I knew it.

So, I did what I could and sat and made a small service for Ogou. I bought what little I could put together, made it pretty, and presented it to him. In retrospect, it's kind of cute what I thought I knew and must have been like a small child presenting you with the product of their toils: the spiritual equivalent of a mud pie with dandelions stuck in it and a macaroni necklace.

But, I did it and I told Ogou that I knew I had made a promise, I knew that I was in trouble, and that I would do whatever he told me if it got me into the djevo. I lit the match and gave it to him, he set the fire and burned my life down.

Within two weeks, I abandoned the apartment I had and packed my car to make a couple of trips into Boston to live in a teeny tiny rented room that was close to my job that Ogou would direct me to quit. I sold my car, any possessions I had that were worth money, and took my stacked vacation time money from the job I quit, all while working up until a few days before I needed to fly to Haiti and hustling at night with whatever side gigs I could find. I bought my flights to/from Haiti before I prepared anything else or even had the money I needed in my hands because I figured that it would be pretty awkward if I had to fly to Haiti and just...hang out when I had been planning to kanzo all along.

It looked like things were going to work out. I was barely sleeping, but the money was coming in and I had the things I needed to go to Haiti with....but what would things be without a last minute twist?

Two days before I left for Haiti, I found out that the way my rent was going to be paid while I was in Haiti fell through. So, I spent two days moving what I could into a friend's basement and abandoned the rest of my belongings, again. I had some boxes, a couple bags of clothes, my suitcase to go to Haiti with...and that's it. Everything else was gone, and I found myself in an airport unsure of where I was going when I got back.

I made it to Haiti after delayed and canceled flights and some crying in a corner, and the rest is history. Ogou (and all my lwa) held me up during the process, and held me up afterwards while he helped me rebuild the life I gave him to burn down. Literally everything I have now descends from the hands of Ogou and my lwa. Career and professional success, home, relationship, spiritual opportunities...all of it down to the last little piece. Nothing is without his/their influence, and my life has become worth living because of it. He saved me, and it all really started on this day 8 years ago. It's been a wild ride the last 12 years with the lwa, and I genuinely couldn't ask for anything better.

'Gratitude' is not a sufficient word because it cannot encompass how I hold all these things inside of me. It is beyond language and verbalization, and when I find myself in front of Ogou and wanting to thank him yet again for all that he has done for me, words are insufficient. I look at him kind of despairing to explain, and he just nods. He knows.

And here I am. Like I said, a wild ride. I looked at a calendar the other day and it really has been 12 years since I got dropkicked into Vodou. So much has happened and so much is to happen and to become. I am not yet the reflection of what I believe the lwa want for me, but I do believe I am climbing closer each day.

I've been pretty occupied in the last year with big stuff; I wrote previously about the completion of my husband's immigration process FINALLY which has him in the US with me permanently (and back and forth to Haiti as life allows). After that, a rather large project occupied most of my time/energy.

Details about that and upcoming stuff behind the cut.

I keep a lot of things close to my heart and am careful about what I write about here, both for practical and esoteric reasons. I strive to be transparent and vulnerable in healthy ways, and yet maintain some semblance of privacy, especially for those closest to me, like my husband.

But we did a thing and it's such a big thing that it deserves a mention in the place where I have detailed some of the most important bits of my life. Presenting our first collaborative effort:

Bondye, all the lwa, and the power of our collective ancestors gave us the opportunity to bring this soul and newest ancestor into being. We are happy to have our little potato with us. This is what has kept me so quiet here; pregnancy is not for the weak and it was a ride I, your friendly neighborhood gender non-conforming houngan, never thought I would take....and yet life with the lwa brings new twists and turns and beautiful gifts. I was deadset on never having children of my own, and here I am with a little potato.

This has opened a wide new world for me and boy have the lwa had a lot to say before and after the potato arrived. They are a tiny pitit Ginen and the lwa have been clear that we can never forget that.

So...there's that. It's funny, but being the caretaker of a potato that the lwa are deeply invested in brings me back to why this blog was started in the first place: I was having experiences that I did not see reflected anywhere, so I decided to write it all down.

I am not the first parent in the world, of course, and absolutely not the first vodouizan to bring forth a child...but again I don't find anyone else with my particular constellation of experiences having a similar experience. This time, at least, I have plenty of people to call and chat with when I have questions about the intersection of Vodou and the potato.

I expect some of it will make it here and some won't. My rule about writing about people that are close to me is that they get to consent about what details I share. When I write about my (human) husband, I share it with him before it posts. As the potato has not yet developed the capacity for consent, what is presented about them will be limited. Their face won't make it onto Tumblr or any other platform or social media I write on, and personal details will remain as neutral as I can make them. If you are one of the folks who knows me in an offline kind of way, I'd ask you to respect that as well.

Other things:

Tomorrow, I will have a post about an upcoming opportunity to celebrate Kouzen. I had hoped to have something put together for his actual fet day on the 1st, but like November is given over to Gede, all of May is Kouzen's month. Look for details tomorrow.

By next week, I will be live on Medium. This will allow folks to get my long-form posts directly in their email or via the feeds they use elsewhere. My long-form posts will continue to be posted here, and I will continue to answer questions and interact with posts here.

Website is coming!

I am toying with launching some online educational opportunities and have some specific plans, but would also like to hear what folks are interested in having live educational opportunities on. I'll post separately about that as well.

My husband is launching his atelier, expect posts about what he has available as well!

So...how are you?

[kyouka-supremacy]

i'm curious about the whole 'the author doesn't believe what dazai did to akutagawa is abuse' sentiment - i completely see what you mean in that dazai is presented as this fully formed character, but if the author doesn't think what dazai did was wrong, why do you think it's so closely paralleled to mori/dazai or akutagawa/kyouka's abuse (both narratively, through the cycle of abuse, and artistically through how they're depicted). i feel like both of those are more explicitly deemed as wrong by the author, so why do you think that they're presented in such a similar way to dazai/akutagawa if the author didn't think that abuse was really abuse?

Alright, I know everyone loves to talk about the cycle of abuse, and I agree it's delicious to explore thematically and fun to play with, but it's not a rigid scheme we should stick to no matter what. I think that at best certain events can be interpreted as a cycle of abuse, but I don't think the cycle of abuse itself can be used as an interpretation scheme.

And I just… Can't see any close parallels between the Mori-Dazai relationship and the Dazai-Akutagawa relationship. Moreover: I don't read the Mori-Dazai relationship as an abusive one at all. Sorry about that? But like, I don't see anything blatantly abusive like for the Dazai-Akutagawa or Akutagawa-Kyouka mentor-student relationships, not even close. Yeah Mori probably ended up fuelling a dark side of Dazai but even then… It's not like that's something Dazai didn't have within him despite. In Beast Dazai's interactions with Mori were supposedly way more limited, but it's not like he was any less stained in black, quite the opposite actually. Overall, I think Dazai was doing alright in the pm; for how I see it, him and Mori shared this kind of complicity that didn't necessarily bother Dazai. Mori treated Dazai as an equal, recognized his wits even at an early age and often praised him, even going as far as saying that Dazai reminded him of himself. People have talked about this better than I have. Mori never had any interest in harming Dazai, and to an extent I believe he was even attached to him. I'm not saying it's an healthy relationship- but first, which relationship in bsd is healthy?, and second, quite frankly it's not comparable to the Dazai-Akutagawa or Akutagawa-Kyouka dynamics. I'm no expert of Dazai, so feel free to correct me on this; I haven't read any of the novels with pm Dazai. But I think that what he shared with Mori was more of an intergenerational friendship than anything necessarily negative. Mori's betrayal hit that hard for Dazai exactly because Dazai thought that Mori was someone he could trust, and that only goes to show how Dazai did trust Mori, and didn't hold any hostility towards him before Oda died. Dazai being so effected by Mori's betrayal and resenting him for years after in my opinion is proof of how Dazai relied on Mori; if from the start he hadn't held any positive feeling towards him at all, Mori's betrayal wouldn't have impacted him as much as it did.

If the relationship between Mori and Dazai wasn't really abusive per sé, then we can hardly discern a concrete pattern of abuse between the three different mentor-student relationships. In my opinion, the same goes for the Dazai-Akutagawa / Akutagawa-Kyouka relationships: I can't see a lot of similarities to be drawn between them. Where Dazai was skilled at manipulating and controlling Akutagawa, as well as heavily violent towards him, Akutagawa failed completely at controlling Kyouka, all his attempts to psychologically manipulate her resulted fruitless, and - at least as far as the manga goes - he was never actively violent with her¹, for sure not to Dazai's extent towards Akutagawa. (See this post for more on how Akutagawa and Kyouka's relationship differs from the one between Dazai and Akutagawa).

All accounted, I fail to see any evident narrative parallel between the three relationships– which might perfectly be due to my own personal shortcoming! After all literature is filled with shades and nuances that make it prone to different interpretations. But that's why, again, I don't think the cycle of abuse can be used to interpret the three bonds, or to understand Dazai's aptitude towards Akutagawa and the author's moral stance on it. In my opinion the cycle of abuse can be the result of a reading analysis, but it hasn't got strong enough canon basis to be used as an interpretation tool itself. Neither I think that there's other parallels between the relationships that allow me to tell whether Dazai's abuse is portrayed as fair or not for comparison to the others.

¹ An entire new discussion could be opened on this. In the manga, we never saw Akutagawa hit Kyouka while she was still in the pm / under him (it's different in the anime, with that added scene of Akutagawa piercing her neck in episode 4; but then again, that mostly accounted to a threat, and it's nothing in comparison to what Dazai did to him). Akutagawa seems to get rougher with Kyouka when she starts slipping out of his control; pulling her by the hair (?) in chapter 9 and grabbing her neck in chapter 11; but again, that can't compare with the Dazai/Akutagawa relationship used to be like (he did very much try to kill her though). That said, since Kyouka is a little girl, there's probably also a publishing-reticence factor playing a role, aimed to use special caution to not depict a man beating up a young girl; there's a chance that, had Kyouka been a boy, Akutagawa's portrayed treatment of her would have been different. The way the two times Akutagawa tried to kill her remained strictly non-graphic and free of violence feel like further proof of this, in honesty. I know this kind of considerations to not hurt the reader's sensibility are usually taken into account when publishing manga; but then again, mine are just speculations.

[saltygilmores]

I've been stalling on my episode recaps lately. I'm really really stuck. I want to get my creative juices flowing again and I still have a mighty need to continue Looking at Things and Talking About Them. So I present to you: Pastries Admist Fire Hazards While Watching Gilmore Girls. Pictures I found on Instagram. Inspired by @vindieselsfacebook-blog's similar post from several days ago. I wil be rating the assorted hazards and dangers present in these photos. We will always assume the coffee is scalding hot.

Title: Tipping Starbucks Cup Over Foot and Open Laptop. Fire Hazard/ Coffee Spillage Rating: Undetermined. Although it appears to be tilting dangerously downwards towards our subject's foot, laptop, and books, my intuition tells me that the coffee cup, much like the cups on Gilmore Girls, or Dean Forrester's braincase, is completely empty and devoid of matter. Our Gilly Girls viewer was wise not to light the candle seen in the background. I will not alert the fire department.

Title: Completely Phoning It In. Hazard Rating For Human: 0. No open flame, no body parts visible within distance of hot beverage. Hazard Rating For Tablet And Sheets :10. Hot beverage teetering perilously close to a tablet and white sheets. A stiff breeze or a cat jumping onto the bed and that tablet is toast with a capital T. Points awarded for using donuts instead of cookies or pastries AND for the fact that Lorelai is on the screen instead of the same exact Gilmore Girls With Leaves thing everyone else is doing. We like a rebel.

Title: Gilmore GIrls and Cwassont Fire Hazard/Coffee Spillage Rating: 10. Open flame inches away from laptop, set on top of a flammable flannell blanket (say that one three times fast) and she's got some nice kindling ready with those two little journals. Coffee cup positioned directly above digital camera and perilously close to laptop, croissant in danger of recieving a soaking.

Title: Very White Fire Hazard Rating: 3. Open flame inches away from tablet but, I'm calling this one borderline. I think this person should be safe. Interesting use of fruit in addition to pastries. Is that a very large mug of coffee off to the left? I can't tell what it is. No spillage hazard, if so. No flammable bedding or paper. I will not be alerting the fire department.

Title: Oh The Pumpkins Hazard Rating: 0. Scalding hot beverage and lit candles present, but no techology or humans in danger. Candle is safely positioned away from blankets and pillows. I will not be calling the fire department.

Title: Pumpkin Flambé (aka More Fucking Pumpkins) Fire Hazard Rating: 11. Open flame positioned directly on top of sweater, inches away from towel, inches away from technology and wooden kindling (the tray), scalding hot beverage inches away from laptop. As soon as there's a jump scare (like Dean Forrester showing up in an episode and giving them a jolt) that candle is going to tilt and they're totally befucked.

Title: Orange Cookies Fire Hazard Rating: 6. Candle is perilously close to tablet, kindling (leaves and books) and a blanket but the candle looks sturdy enough not to tilt if this person is careful. No scalding hazard; no body parts present and the mug of cocoa looks half finished and is probably lukewarm. Athough the cookies are untouched at least we finally have our first piece of evidence that these foods and beverages are actually being consumed occasionally. Unlike the hot dog that Milo only pretended to eat during Lorelai's Graduation Day.

Title: Tub Time With Grapes Fire Hazard: Undetermined. Can't even snark on someone bringing their tablet or phone into the tub which is practically a daily ritual for me. I've only dropped my phone in water once in 15 years, when I dropped it in a hot tub (it survived). But, I somehow trust myself holding it above water with my hands more than I would some stand on a tray. Since your legs are presumably laying underneath the tray, what happens if you stand up from the tub and forget to move the tray first? Plop goes your tablet. Plop plop plop go your grapes. Points for using grapes instead of pastries. If some grapes plop in the tub your bath can be salvaged. Grapes are a safe Bath Food. I can't say the same about that tea, which is absolute teetering on the edge of that tray. You're gonna have some pretty gross water there. A lot of candles, sure. The one on the tray could tilt over and ignite that tray or your tablet, but hey, easy access to water.

We are left with one last burning (pun intended) question. How many of these people are actually in the act of watching the show further than the title screen? We may never know since they all likely perished in their own fire traps or are still nursing third degree burns from their spilled coffees and are in too much agony to tell us.

[dykeishheart]

I'm not much for personal firearms as a hobby but I do enjoy shooting well enough, which is odd. At least it must be to other people, given how they react to it. I've never mentioned owning a handgun to anyone without the response being surprise.

See, it's like this. I grew up in the south. I wasn't born there, I was a California baby. But at 8 years old my parents moved us to Dallas, Texas, and then to rural Arkansas when I was only 11. My mom's sister married a redneck veteran back in California, and we followed them out to Arkansas. I lived with these people for about a year and continued to live close by them for ten more. I was familiar with guns before I was 10, and owned a varmint rifle with a scope at 14. In highschool I competed in the school trap shooting team and was damn good at it. I was hunting with my older cousin and my uncle as a teenager, though I'll note that I didn't enjoy it that much; no amount of fascination with guns can relieve the boredom of a kid with undiagnosed ADHD who hasn't seen a deer in a half hour.

All this is to say that my familiarity with firearms as hobbies, as tools, and as weaponry is pretty long-established, being half my life at this point. But it's also not a part of my personal life that makes much sense externally.

Because at the moment, I present to most people as an overly talkative wannabe scholar with a passion for video games and gender ideology, and not much else. I'm not particularly muscular, partially disabled and not athletic at all, and all of my personal interests that anyone gets to be part of are pretty much contained within the virtual world. I don't go to gun shows, compete in shooting sports, or watch that truly dreadful slew of television shows about guns made for cops and their respective shoeshiners. Guns aren't a part of my persona. And many people readily expect my stance on the issue of firearms to likely be some form of enlightened pacifism, given my demeanor as - to use the politically correct term - a pansy.

But yes, I own a handgun. Specifically, a modern M1911 replica chambered in 9mm instead of typical .45 because the bullets are cheaper, but the thing still feels like a respectable variant of the sexiest 100 year old pistol I've ever seen.

I don't really have some grander design in making this post beyond pointing out how weird it is to mythologize firearms, but I guess it's kind of expected for them to be anyway, especially from fellow Americans. Firearms have been a hot button political topic for most of my life and a cultural staple in basically three quarters of all media produced, probably since the founding of the modern film industry. Even more so for video games.

While I can assure you my take on all facets of firearms - from their care and use, to their role in police violence, to their wider public perception due to mass shootings - is infinitely nuanced, I will instead use this as an opportunity to make the incredibly worthwhile joke that yes, even trannies on estradiol can still shoot hot loads.