#but oh my god this time it feels so much fucking worse
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just-j916 · 1 day ago
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The Guilt of a Gunshot
This is inspired by this post from @ideasarestuckinmyhead! : read here!
This is also my first fanfic that has been sitting in my drafts for about a month now—so enjoy!
Word count: 1467
The silence after the shot was eerie; so eerie that it almost hurt. Sugarboo slowly lowering their arm that held the gun as the adrenaline had started to wear off.
They felt like they could scream, cry, do something, anything to prove that they felt something after shooting Derek. But… no. They couldn’t. Not after what they did. They knew what they were getting themselves into. They… asked for this. They did this for their boys. Even though they might not forgive them for what they had done.
Before they walked to the door, Sugarboo looked at Derek’s lifeless body, emotionless. No remorse. No mercy. Just blank.
Upon opening the door, to their confusion, there seemed to be nobody in the bar anymore. 

‘Did everyone leave?’ They thought. They figured the gunshot was loud but they didn’t anticipate that everyone would scramble. They then thought back to what Alphonse said. The gun would be enough to scare rats shitless.
They looked around and noticed two bodies on the ground of the bar. One of them being the “guard” that they’d seen when they first walked in with Derek and the other was… familiar. The confusion turned into fear as they realized that the other body was Seth’s.
“Holy shit! Seth! Oh god, you—you’re bleeding!”
They carefully and somehow successfully managed to pick up Seth’s body, considering he was taller and bigger than they were. They carefully placed his head on their shoulder as they tried to gently shake Seth awake. They knew that this was their fault that he was like this. He must’ve come looking for them. And that thought alone was enough to make Sugarboo’s heart drop.
“Seth�� please wake up. I’m so sorry. I didn’t—I didn’t mean for this to happen to you I just—!”
“Sugar…”
That sentence alone was enough to cause them to pause. They looked down at Seth’s face and noticed that he was conscious.
“Seth! Thank goodness you’re alright! I’m so sorry about everything I just—!”
“Shh… Sugar… it’s alright. I’m alright. I’m just… so tired.”
“Seth, please stay awake… just until I can find Alphonse so he can drive you to a hospital. Where is he? If you’re here then shouldn’t he be close by?”
“No, he’s at the train yard. We… split up to look for you.”
They figured that their boys would look for them. But it didn’t hurt any less hearing it aloud.
“I guess I’ll have to get there by foot. I can’t risk your injury getting worse but I can’t just leave you here—fuck! What do I do?”
Just as they finished their statement as they dredged out the bar with Seth in their arms, they noticed a similar van pull up.
“Is that… Charlie’s van?”
Sugarboo looked at Seth confused until the passenger window rolled down revealing Jessie.
“Ma, how did you get that hunk-a-junk to start?”
The question asked was quickly interrupted by Jessie.
“There’s no time for questions, hun. Just get in the van so we can get you boys to a hospital. I already picked up Alphonse from the train yard and he’s… well… roughed up.”
This caused Sugarboo to freeze up. Both of their boys had gotten hurt because of them? They devised this plan to try to help them but instead they… made everything… worse.
Jessie seemed to notice the expression on Sugarboo’s face and she was quick to cut them from their thoughts.
“Sugar, Alphonse is going to be okay. I promise. We just need to get both of them checked out to make sure nothing else serious is wrong.”
This was three hours ago. Three long, excruciating hours. They sat in the waiting room, embarrassed, ashamed, and just… empty. They had solved their problem but at what cost? The boys getting hurt? Them being tainted? It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. But they didn’t have any right to feel like that. They had to be the strong one. The one who kept everything together. The one who fixed everything.
They had managed to help Alphonse and Seth to make amends. They had managed to create countless goodies for people across their nowhere town. They had managed to keep everything together even when they felt like a third-wheel when the three were in the same house. Their house. Why did being strong hurt so bad?
They were pulled out of their thoughts when they heard footsteps walking towards them. They looked up to find Jessie, who gave them a slightly solemn look.
“You alright, Sugar?”
They could barely move. Whether it was from shock or just pure exhaustion, nodding their head seemed like an almost impossible task. Keyword: almost.
“I… I’m fine.”
Jessie sighed before taking a seat right next to them before putting a hand on their shoulder.
“Sugar if you need to cry, then cry. I promise I’m not going to judge you for doing so.”
With that sentence, everything about their facade seemed to fall as quickly as the tears fell down. They quietly sobbed as Jessie wrapped her arms around them.
“They’re going to be so… pissed at me.”
“No, Sugar, I promise you those boys aren’t going to be angry at you. They love you so much. They are in that room right now, waiting for you. Hell, when I went in there the first thing that Alphonse asked me was if you were alright. They are going to be thrilled to see you.”
Were they though? Would they accept the fact that they shot Derek? Would they still accept them if they had blood on their hands now?
After a few minutes, they seemed to have settled down, so Jessie escorted them to the room the boys were staying in. They looked at the door, scared. They took a deep breath before knocking on the door. They heard a familiar voice, which seemed to be Alphonse’s, telling them to come in.
Once they opened up the door, they slowly slipped into the room, their eyes quickly darting to the ground. Too afraid to look either of them in the eyes.
“Boo! Hey! There you are!”
“Hey, Sugar…”
Both of the boys quickly could tell something was up as they both glanced at each other from their separate beds before turning back to Sugarboo.
“Boo, are you alright? You aren’t hurt are you? Come here.”
Sugarboo walked over towards Alphonse’s hospital bed before taking a seat in front of Alphonse. He scanned them for injuries and didn’t see anything visible. While the injuries weren’t visible to him, he could tell that they had been crying, so they were obviously upset. He cupped their cheek with his hand and slowly turned their head to look at him.
“Boo, I can tell you’ve been crying. What’s the matter? Derek didn’t hurt you, did he?”Alphonse managed to breathe out.
They shook their head before they started to weep. The tears fell down their face once again. What happened to keeping it together in front of them? They don’t know.
Alphonse quickly wrapped them in a tight hug with one of his hands on the back of their head, slowly brushing his hand through their hair, trying to comfort them.
“I’m so sorry… the both of you got hurt because of me. I wanted to help and I just—!”
“Boo… shhh… it’s okay…”
“No it’s not! I fucked up and you both should be upset with me right now…”
“Hey… Boo, look at me…”
Reluctantly, they turned their head upwards towards Alphonse.
“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. While what you did scared me a bit, I’m not mad at you…”
“Well, you should be…”
“Boo, what you did took guts. I wouldn’t ever be mad at you for doing what you did. Although, I would appreciate a heads up next time…” Alphonse admitted, smiling softly at Sugarboo.
Seth watched the two fondly as he sat up in his hospital bed. Seth laughed before following up with, “Yeah, I would prefer if there wasn’t a next time. Ever.”
Sugarboo turned away from Seth, chuckling at his words before looking back at Alphonse. They looked at the bruises and marks on him as the guilt began to wash over them once more.
“Boo, hey… I’m alright. It’s nothing that I haven’t dealt with before,” Alphonse admitted with a slight smile on his face.
Tears welled up in Sugarboo’s eyes as they tried so hard to hold it together. Seeing him like that hurt. They knew that this was their doing.
Almost immediately and instantaneously, both boys are by their side, comforting them. Even if they didn’t know if they deserved such kindness after what they did, they chose to bask in the warmth provided by their boys. Just for a little while longer.
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metyouinthehallway · 9 hours ago
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𝐁𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫!𝐂𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬
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Warnings: smut but I think that’s it?
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
જ⁀➴ Bartender!chris who… makes sure you get home safe.
“Text me when you get home, m’kay?” He pulls you in for a hug, placing a chaste kiss to your hair. He knows damn well that a plethora of disgusting men walk in and out of those club doors every night. Some of them being much worse than others. Chris will wait all night long until he gets that ‘home safe’ text from you.
જ⁀➴ Bartender!chris who… will always have your dirty martini ready.
He knows that you love those martinis, each shift he works with you, he shows up just a few minutes early so he can make you that cocktail.
“Ready for a good shift?” He asks, handing you the glass. A small grin plastered on his lips. He knows those martinis are the highlight of your shift.
“So very ready.” you smile at Chris, biting the olive off of the toothpick. You glass sits behind the bar until you finish it through out your shift. Chris intently keeping an eye on it to ensure no customers try to slip something in your glass.
જ⁀➴ Bartender!chris who… takes you on dates but never makes you pay.
Whether it be a long drive or a simple dinner, Chris loves to spend time with you. The more you got to know each other during work, the more he realized he liked you. When he finally grew the balls to ask you out, the first place he took you was a local diner.
Chris opens the diner door for you, noticing your casual outfit, he’d rarely ever seen you outside of your theatrical and intricate lingerie. Seeing you in jeans and a t-shirt was refreshing, reminding him that you weren’t just your occupation.
Throughout the date, he’d ask you about your life outside of work, your hobbies, your interests. Even your family. Never once flipping the conversation on himself, he wants to know everything there is to know about you.
“What’re you doing?” He asks, seeing you reach for your wallet.
“I’m paying for my food…?” You look at him as if he should’ve known that but oh, silly you! There’s no way in hell he’s letting you pay for yourself.
“Put it away, pretty girl.” Chris chirps, placing his own card on the table.
જ⁀➴ Bartender!chris who… loves when you’re on top.
“O-oh…fuck.” Chris groans, letting his head fall back against the pillow. His fingers digging into your hips as you rock back and forth on his dick.
“Just like that…shit- pretty girl…” he struggles to form a complete sentence, the feeling of your walls squeezing around his cock is pure bliss to him.
Chris stares in awe as your tits bounce in front of his eyes, he’d take this over doggy any day.
જ⁀➴ Bartender!chris who… doesn’t admit your dating but sure does act like it.
“So… we’re together?” You giggle into his chest. The two of you lay in his bed, snuggled up against each other.
“How many times you gonna ask me that?” He snickers, despite his words, he pulls you impossibly closer to his body, running a hand up and down your arm.
“Until you admit it.” You mutter into his bare chest. You don’t just cuddle skin to skin with your coworkers…
જ⁀➴ Bartender!chris who… can’t control himself.
The club had closed an hour ago and he couldn’t stop staring at you the entire night. The specific outfit you wore tonight was a lace bodysuit, it hugged your figure in all the right places and Chris was looking forward to fucking you in his car later tonight.
“Chris! S-shit…!” You squeal, his hips jackhammering into your pussy at an alarming rate. He looks down at where you’re connected, the base of his cock covered in a ring of white from your previous orgasm.
“Fuck, feel you squeezin’ me so good…” he grunts, his thumb rubbing vigorous circles on your clit in the backseat of his car. The bartender didn’t slow his pace once. He needed to see you fucked dumb on his cock.
“Can’t… Oh! Oh, my god!” Your nails claw at his shoulder blades, back arching into his chest as you feel his tip hit your cervix. Your sounds only encourage him to quicken his pace, the car shaking violently as he does so.
“Looked so sexy t’night ma- fuck, you feel so good,” Chris praises, burying his head in your neck. “Want me to fill you up?” His breath tickles the skin on your neck when he speaks.
Shit, you loved when he fucked you like this.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
A/n: got a wee bit carried away with the last one I had to stop myself.
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innielove · 1 month ago
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#i literally this close to ruining a friendship with confessing my feelings for my friend 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣#i mean it's kind of a well known secret that i have feelings for her :)))))#tonight i drank some wine and we had a convo about how im waiting for her and if she'd asked me out i would be to shy to say anything at all#and all that shit. the usual back and forth halfhearted flirting we've been doing for years#but it's fuckin killing me right now because a few months ago i realized i actually do have feelings for her :DDDD#and like. she knows it i just never said it outright. but she fuckin knows. everyone fuckin knows who knows us that there's something lmfao#and im literally this close to just telling her it all#and im pretty fuckin sure that would ruin everything because she's been together with her boyfriend around the same time we met :)))#and even if she has feelings for me then what bro? she'd never drop him and I don't think our friendship could go on if i confess :)))#even though it super obvious:)))))#i dont even know what im taking about anymore im just fuckin sad and heartbroken bro#I've only had deeper feelings twice and both were for my best friends who are in relationships#but oh my god this time it feels so much fucking worse#i ghosted her last a week because i just couldn't deal with constantly feeling like shit and being jealous every time she mentions ger bf#AND IT FEELS LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT TO NOT BE HAPPY FOR HER??? SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND I SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR HER HAPPINESS#BUT I CAN'T BE A 100% HAPPY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY AND BAD#i just need like a car or sth to take me out bro i can't do this 🥲🥲🥲#I just want these feelings to go away oh my god how many months will it be#i really feel like I can't keep this to myself anymore. and that would just ruin everything#oh my god just kill me#ÁGNES IF YOU SEE THIS FUCKING POST THEN NO YOU DON'T#not like I don't cry to you about this every 3 days#anyway im sorry. next year i will get to the requests in my inbox aye? :'DD#shut up vivien no one cares
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eebie · 2 months ago
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Grinds my teeth to dust…. i wish touch didnt have so many Implications. im just trying to survive out here
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#after all this i need a cuddle and a movie But who do i ask withoit them thinking im coming on to them#i need to paint a giant doomsday-guy-on-the-street-corner style sign to wear around my neck that says I AM AROMANTIC ASEXUAL#born to hug and kiss all my friends forced to stand around hands in my pockets#im scared to death of people misinterpreting my behavior or feeling uncomfortable#od be so much more relaxed like at a core of my being level if this was a nonissue#dude im desperate i might just ask the guy i almost fell asleep on tje otjet night#the ice is broken and he already knows my deal#(fantasizing about snuggling with people i like) im so fucked up ….#it’s also made way worse by tje fact that I apparently come off as very flirtatious#im playful and i love people Sorry …..#im like All or Nothing . oh my god lol#i had a friend who called me her ‘koala’ because i was constantly clinging to her#we were 7 so it was socially acceptable#99% of the time we were together i was wrapped around her legs or torso. i miss you so much sybil#the start of the end was when i innocently restrd my chin on my friend’s shoulder to watch what he was doing#and the next day someone asked me why i did that#i was like huh…? he’s my friend?#why wouldn’t i?#then i felt all weird about it And ive felt weird about it sincd#unrelated but my best friend is autistic she has misophonia and hates touch But im the misopjonia exception(real thing) AND#i’m one of the only people she hugs. straight up my biggest flex ever
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unordinaries · 7 months ago
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presented without comment
(chapters 280 + 344)
#unordinary#unordinary webtoon#cw blood#i fucking lied i have so many comments#FIRST AND FOREMOST. i originally had the images in the opposite order (meaning john’s on the left and rei’s on the right)#when i was drafting this post. but then i was like. ‘oh i should put them in chapter/chronological order instead’ and it oh my god#uru you bastard that’s so much worse#(and then ofc i had to rewrite my tags accordingly)#but anyways#like literally almost everything about these scenes is mirrored/opposite#obviously they are facing different directions (and thus. each other)#they are also looking at different places in the second panel - rei is looking up and john is looking down#rei is looking up directly at kuyo. yes. but his raised head also makes him look a bit defiant. his kind of smirk also adds to that feel#he’s obviously not… happy. he’s been through a lot (is literally about to die) but his spirit remains.#there’s still light in his eyes. hope.#and he still finds the time to tell kuyo to call it quits and give him well wishes#then we have john’s half which is. ough.#and uhh cw suicidal ideation from this point on i guess?#looking down! no light in his eyes! defeated and dragging himself to the finish line!#alone.#he’s still fighting but he’s TIRED. absolutely nothing to look forward to here.#keep going because there’s no turning back now#he is doing this for the people he’s already lost (jane william sera). not for people who are here now (blyke remi isen)#rei didn’t go into this thinking he would die but ended up choosing to sacrifice himself anyways#john went in with the intention of sacrificing himself and survived anyways#i could be reading too far into it but i think you can kind of see that in their expressions in the first image set#rei looks like he’s realizing he’s about to die but john just looks like he’s fighting#he’s already made his choice#that’s about all i got (and i’m at the tag limit) so.#to everybody who hated my john-william comparison post this one’s for YOU 🫵
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hauntingblue · 2 months ago
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ARCANE EPISODE 7!!!!
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MY GOD I WASNT READY FOR ANY OF THIS!!! WHAT WAS THAT!!!
Also ekko wallpaper I got with my fries lmao
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#OH MY GOOOD!!!!!! POWDER AND EKKO!!! AND BENZOOOOOO#ITS LITERALLY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN OMGG!!!!! POWDER LOOKS SO CUTE 😭😭😭😭 IM CRYING ALREADYYYY#VANDER WITH A BUN!! AND EVERYTHING IS SO FULL OF LIGHT!!! HER EYES!!! MYLO LOOKS SO RIDICULOUS AKDJSK THIS GIRLAAA#“where would you be without her” WELL BUDDY IF YOU KNEW HOW HE IS WITH HER!!! VI IS DEAD????? OR SHE WAS TAKEN FOR THE INCIDENT!!!#LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID JAYCE!!! MY GOD!!! THE GEMS KILLED VI SO THEY JUST COMPLETELY PROHIBITED THEM!!! JAYCE IS IN JAIL PROBABLY!!#the fact we are seeing exactly why jayce should be sorry about what he has done.... and we are seeing him suffer because of it... cinema 🚬#also mel fading into viktor.... also has he realised how she manipulated him in the beggining??? there is so much stuff...#jayce eating contaminated animals and his wound being infected with the arcane too..... is that what will push him....#omg.... ekko likes powder so much... he apologised by painting actual adult vi portraits where the fallen are in his universe 😭😭😭#“she looks so badass” if you knew... is he gonna ask her to help him make hextech.... that is so sick and twisted....#also jayce hurting his leg loke viktor and having to use a cane and brace.... damn and you know whats worse..... that ekko could be like#this with the jinx of his universe IF ISHA HADNT DIED!!! AND IT IS BEACUSE OF JAYCE!! AGAIN!!!!! THIS MAN!!!!!#the drawing with the anomaly and the two men and the inifite symbol... we get it... jayce and viktor forever intertwined by fate....#powder is sensing something is off.... omg time travel..... THE LIMIT IS FOUR SECONDS AFTER HEIMERDINGER EPXLODED ALDHAKSHSKSJSOJSOSLS#i dont want a time travel ending.... if its done for plot to an extent is okay but idk about solving it all.... it makes it feel worhtless#claggor looks so fine its not even funny..... i cant wait to see what everyone thinks. WHERE IS THE LITTLE LADY bc hes called little man 😭#and vander with arm tattoos.... why did they hipster fied him.... he looks younger somehow ajdhakj he went from taking care of 4 kids to 3!#SILCO!!!! AND HE DID TRY TO KILL HIM!! ALSJAKSKAK Ekko just laighing at it.... girl i would be pissed STROMAE??? OMG POWDER!!!!#I JUST REALIZED THE PINK IN HER HAIR IS FOR VI!! AND HER JACKET!! AND A DRESS LIKE HER MOTHER'S!! CRYING!!! FULL BODY CHILLS!!!#CAN WE JUST PRETEND LIKE ITS THE FIRST TIME!!! I GAVE UP ON YOU!!! WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN I NEED TO KNOW!!! IM SOBBING!!! EKKO!!!!#NOOOOOOO THE ANOMALY NOOOOO!!!! HEIMERDINGER NOOOOO!!!! AND THATS JAYCE!!! IS THAT MAGE VIKTOR???? the monkeys......#the vi toy with the out love song machine.... my god i wasnt expecting any of this i need to breathe i am stil tearing up my god#what a fucking punch in the stomach christ i cant breathe right akdhsksso#the credits saying the deries has benefited from a spanish tax rebate in the canary islands??? you're welcome i guess lmao#animation production carried out there and has ben collaboration with the Spanish gov... alright another win for perro sanxe#talking tag#watching arcane#watching arcane season 2#watching this i dont think im ready for caitvi sex.... after reconciliation even like what will be of me.... now im scared#i am still scared bc idk what happened to jinx and vi and cait still... thats what worried me and boom!! ekko powder with the steel chair..
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popstart · 6 months ago
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the moment people stop being comically against courtney is the day i stop making fun of them for being weird and wrong. stop being weird about a fictional character in ways that are hilariously stupid and ill stop calling you hilariously stupid
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sinnettini · 8 days ago
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successfully worried my mum as well despite trying not to. lmao. lmfao even
#day keeps getting worse somehow#someone make it fast forward a few hours so i can just sleep#how do you convince your mum you're not going to attempt suicide again when you've promised that before and broke the promise#asking for myself bc i really am not going to attempt suicide but i AM doing badly and she can tell and i accidentally worried her even mor#and i understand why she'd be worried. like knowing myself and how i let myself suffer by myself hiding it from her#i get it. i'd be worried too. but like what can i do to convince her even if things are bad i'm not going to do anything like that#and i'll see her soon and i have a bandaid on my hand which won't help bc if she asks even if i lie to her i won't be able to do it#convincingly bc i'm a good liar but not that good when i know she's already on alert#you know maybe if i hadn't attempted suicide a number of times you can't count on only one one it would be easier to be like don't worry#and be convincing#my mum knows “that voice” i get when i'm extremely down actually even at work people immediately noticed#which on one hand like... i don't take for granted that people care about me this much. it is a good thing#on the other it's fucking hard to deal with the worry from others when they can't do anything to help you and you don't know what to tell#them beside don't worry which is the stupidest thing to say to someone who can tell you're not okay#like i would worry! and i would be right to. but. but idk. family doesn't usually help in these times#i'm sorry to say that bc i love my family but sadly it's the truth. being in my old bed just conjures up more bad memories and shit and the#i not only feel bad but feel like i'm somehow in some way 17 again. it's awful#so being alone isn't good but being here isn't either so what the fuck do i do. i don't feel okay anywhere. i don't feel safe anywhere#oh my god i'm sorry i'm being soooooooooo fucking depressing#you can hate really i'm like always so negative lol sorry#i'll shut up now bc i'm close to crying and my mum will be here soon and if she sees me crying no way she's letting me go#suicide tw#sorry was forgetting the tw
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silverselfshippingchaos · 11 days ago
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a really big chunk of my ship tags are just titles of songs that I happen to like (if you can tell what they are, you get a gold star!)
but that also means that every now and then, a certain song will come on and I'll be hit with the strongest wave of just. Feels.
(some spoilers for M.onster in the tags btw)
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nightmare8-420 · 3 months ago
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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.
#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family#(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything#like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but#even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore#oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck#UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough#but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while#maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from#whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions#i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep#which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues#i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not#getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.
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karinyosa · 1 year ago
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listen i can’t prove that asp bloggers by and large seem to know brinker was based on gore vidal now because of me but brother i will say it was not like that back when there were like 4 asp blogs and all the fanart was anime
#you may be thinking. well there are basically 4 asp blogs now#THINK AGAIN!!!! it used to be so much worse.#it feels like there are more people consistently posting about it now#and a lot more art (MUTUALS!!! <33)#like there was an art DROUGHT#it used to be that every time you looked at the tag the same posts would be up at the top and like#it’s still sorta like that but allllll the posts i could never escape have been buried into obscurity#because there’s so much new stuff#i used to be like haha there are 5 people in this fandom or whatever#BUT THAT NO LONGER FEELS TRUE#i used to tell everyone who would listen about the gore vidal thing kehskwhskwhdjwhs#it was such a novelty to me at the time i read asp that queercoding could be so like. complete or comprehensive and also supported by#like authors and academic institutions and most importantly a tumblr fandom sksjsk#so an openly queer man being associated w my fav book whose gayness i was mentally going to bat for was craaaazzzyyy to my#middle school brain#even though i didn’t really know anything about him except for a few anecdotes at the time. brother. how things have changed#oh my god and the fact that there is/was an asp gimmick blog??? asp-quotes??? my god middle school me would’ve died#im still writing the same fucking fanfic that ms me daydreamed about finishing though. god#anyway hopefully this post isn’t. ANNNOYIINNGGG but it’s crazy to see things change like that from so close a perspective#like the smallness of the asp online community makes it easy to tell for some of these things#i draw a line directly between my younger asp mutuals constantly posting art to the influx of other asp content#in my memory one followed the other#fucking anyway. write a memoir dipshit#me.txt#a separate peace#if it is because of me that’s very funnyynbgncb#OH AND IT’S IN POLLS NOW TOO#crazy
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tianshiisdead · 1 year ago
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This post is not an invitation for sinophobia piss off
God hanfu spaces can be so vile 💀 using 'manchu' and 'dog' so interchangeably is crazy, reason 10339405060 why I never look into the comments of Twitter posts abt hanfu
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rainyraisin · 4 months ago
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I have to take two more lots of penicillin today I'm gonna fucking SCREAM (vent in the tags)
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skibasyndrome · 1 year ago
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I'm about to throw all my academic values overboard to get this fucking article done
#linguistics are my enemy#not because I don't like the subject#I'm just........ so much less at ease with this than with literary sciene oh my god#I'm so glad I can mostly focus on lit in the future but let me tell you these few linguistics articles I have/had to do have really brought#me to my limit#and I thought I was already fed up and not giving a shit when I did that one article in summer... oh I had NO IDEA how much less of a shit#was capable of giving!!!#the thing is.... I think objectively I'm still? idk not the worst I could technically be doing#like there ARE people who straight up... idk don't even try to have a research question or who don't read more than a handful or articles b#t ugh#I like academic writing so much and I love putting in the work and I love actually getting into the reseach and finding the most important#texts and writing a balanced and well researched article but ugh..... I just feel like I keep reaching my limits with linguistics#and this time is worse than the others because this topic is SO FAR from being standardized and all I can do is ???? mention that there's#like a hundred different models and then just??? choose one and go with it? which is so fucking unsatisfying#but I swear... everybody in this field is just making up a new model that's just different words for the same thing (and not in the /normal#way that science /always/ is about making up a new model. no. this time they are very unnecessarily making up new models)#ugh. everything about this sucks#I should've chosen a different seminar I should've chose a different topic and I especially should've written more of this in summer when I#technically still had a little more time#sorry for blowing up your dash with complaints this festive season lol. I am just having a time (TM) with the different writing tasks on my#hands and I need a place to vent I guess#simon.out.#sounds so drastic btw I'm not about to cheat or plagiarize or anything but I'm about to do so much less of a proper work than I ever wanted#to allow myself to do. cherrypicking and all.
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barley-st-band · 8 months ago
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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projectdivaar · 8 months ago
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WHAT okay so I js finished s1 of spn and I think I might not b normal after thos. and i am never ever recovering. what on EARTH
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