#but now that I am stable sane healthy mostly happy

[elizabethalexis]

I try my very best to trust that the universe will take me where I need to go, and if it leads me to your door it will be because it’s meant to be, and if it leads elsewhere or leads nowhere at all, then that is meant to be too. it’s just so hard to have faith in the invisible hand of the world. to believe that my prayers are real rather than imagined delusions meant to soothe my broken heart. it’s always been so incredibly hard for me to keep faith - in anything, let alone something so enormous, so improbable as fate. but I am trying. to trust that wherever I land is where I’m meant to be. even if that place is removed entirely from the man I loved and love still.

[theajournal]

How 2021 is Going So Far For Me

On January 15th, 2021, I found out that I am pregnant. 

I’m 21 years old and in my last semester of university. Coming from a strict Punjabi family, I feel conflicted and confused with my pregnancy. Preferably, most women would share this amazing news with their mothers; however, in my situation, sharing this with my mom would kinda result in my death (maybe). So, as of right now, no one knows about my situation - just the two closest people in my life.  

My head feels heavy and my chest feels like it is going to explode. The emotions I feel are too hard for me to say out loud. It’s too hard for me to even process them. At times, I also feel like I’m a burden to my friends. Constantly ranting about the same damn thing. I hate talking about the same thing but I feel like this situation has taken over me. Talking about this situation makes me feel a lot better but I don’t want to always unleash my problems to my friends. Even though I realize I may be overthinking how my friends truly feel about me, but I’m scared that sooner or later, they will get sick of hearing the same problem over and over again. 

I always wondered what was going inside someone's head when they found out they were pregnant - especially if they were in a similar situation like mine. Now I know. Now that I am in this situation, I know what might’ve been going inside their head. Even though I have a great support system, I still feel like I am alone in this. I feel like no one truly understands how I feel and never will. 

For the past month, I’ve been spotting. Everyday. The spotting started a couple of days after my last period, so I found that odd. My paranoia got the best of me and I figured I should do a pregnancy test - to clear any doubts I had. But any sane person would look at my situation and be like, “but wait, you already got your period, you can’t be pregnant!” I thought that too. I did the first pregnancy test, and it came out positive. It was a faint positive, but nonetheless, still a positive. I started to panic so I quickly did another one - it came out negative. I was confused, sad, shocked. I couldn't comprehend how I had a positive pregnancy test when I just finished my period couple days ago. From that day on, I was experiencing spotting. At first, it was just brown discharge, sometimes mixed with blood. But recently, the bleeding started to get worse and heavier. 

Especially during lockdown, there wasn't much I could do. My dad is very strict with the whole lockdown protocols. To an extent, I understand his paranoia. He wants us to be safe. The last thing he wants is keeping his family safe for months to only get the virus after all. So now, I’m stuck at home, bleeding, and pregnant. As you can assume, my stress levels were high, and I was emotionally exhausted. My appetite started to get worse for the next few weeks. Even if I wanted an abortion, I couldn’t leave my house without a valid excuse - I HAD no valid excuse. I was stuck at home. Stuck in my room. With absolutely no solution or plan. 

Now, it’s January. Winter semester has started and it’s time for me to put all my attention into school - that's if I want to get into grad school. The government also just announced that he will extend lockdown. Until February 10. ‘Great,’ I thought to myself, ‘if I’m really pregnant, I can’t do shit about it for another four weeks.’ 

Around this time, I was supposed to begin my period. I honestly hoped I would magically get my period. And honestly, at one point I thought I did begin my period. January 11th, 2021 was when my light bleeding began to become heavier. The flow was so heavy, it was bleed through my underwear.  I started to wear pads - happy because I finally got my period and I was just the lucky ones who got a false positive. But when I went to go change my pad, there was absolutely no blood on the pad. None. Disappointed, I took off the pad and didn’t wear a new one. Why waste pads when I know I won't get my period? Then, it happened again the next day. And the next day. There was blood on underwear, blood in my piss, so I wore a pad. Now, there is blood on my pad, but not enough to conclude I got my period. I believe this because I haven't got any PMS symptoms - besides from light cramping I’ve been getting when I spotting.  I wasn’t also getting clots in my period. My period is pretty regular - I get PMS symptoms only one the first two heaviest days of my period and the flow becomes pretty light after that. So, I started to worry. ‘What if I was having a miscarriage?’ From my excessive amount of research, excessive bleeding during early pregnancy could mean a miscarriage. I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant, I am going to terminate the pregnancy. First of all, my parents would destroy ME. And secondly, I’m too young. I’m only 21, without a stable job, about to finish my last semester of undergrad, and we’re in the middle of a pandemic. However, the fear of knowing I may be going through a miscarriage was different than finding out I am pregnant. It sucks I can’t share this with my mom - the women who went through three pregnancies and is aware of what is normal and not. As any sane person would do, I made an appointment with an online doctor, and hopefully receive some answers. 

The doctor wasn’t too helpful. Right off the bat, she scared me and was adamant on the idea that I should get another pregnancy test done. “Oh you missed your period and been bleeding for a month? Go get a pregnancy NOW!1!!1!” She also told me I could be experiencing either one of the two types of pregnancies -  ectopic or chemical pregnancy. Neither sounded good. Which was also why she was so adamant about me getting a pregnancy test. If I was pregnant, I quickly needed to get an ultrasound to figure out if my pregnancy is healthy or if  I am experiencing a miscarriage. Obviously, I was terrified, but mostly, I was really confused. This was all new to me. I had no one who experienced and would understand what I was going through. I mean, my friends don’t have knowledge about this, I couldn't ask them for advice or opinions on my situation. The doctor didn’t really hear me out. And the internet is huge, with several different answers trying to explain the bleeding I am experiencing. No matter how much research I did, I never got a clear-cut answer. 

So, I listened to the doctor’s instructions and got a pregnancy test. My friend, being the sweetest person ever, dropped it off. I wasn't too eager to do the pregnancy test right away. I honestly believed it may be negative and all of this would end, and I would get my period soon enough. So the next morning (which is January 15th), I did the pregnancy test. And it was positive. Again? Positive again? I felt like I was experiencing the situation back in December all over again. I chose not to do the second one since I got the results really quick from the first pregnancy test. Now, I must carry this secret, this guilt, this sadness around my family. I can’t even be around them because all I can think about the pregnancy. Which fucking sucks. 

As of right now, being stuck at home, in the middle of a pandemic, there’s not much I can do. I called the nearest abortion clinic and explained them my situation. The receptionist was sweet and gave me her honest opinion and advice. She believes I’m experiencing a miscarriage (which may be why I have been experiencing all the bleeding and cramping) and tells me I need to get my blood work completed ASAP. That’s where I’m at. Right now, on January 15th, all I know is I may be going through a miscarriage. 

With all the cramping and bleeding I am experiencing, plus a positive pregnancy test, my brain feels foggy. I understand that there is not much I can do. Because of my situation, I have to wait until it is appropriate for me to leave the house to do all the necessary steps. I must wait a little more longer to fix my situation, but I am happy to know that I have a great support system.

[mook-pooltable]

Uncle Sam AU

Rosie: Okay, the first idea I had is a crossover idea that could result in something similar to my HatID story that partially inspired by an idea I saw on Ao3.

Harry, while still in school, goes to Gringotts and asks for a hereditary test to find out if he has any other living family besides the Dursleys (cause let's face it, he's *desperate* to get away from them). He finds out he had someone who's still around on his mother's side of the family, a cousin of his grandfather, Harold Evans.

The man's name is "Sammy Lawrence". The test shows if the other members are alive, cast out of the family, or other such statuses by showing their names in different colors, and *his* name is written in an unusual color. The color in question means “Alive but Incapacitated” (Or something along those lines)

Mango: OOOOO yes i like this

Rosie: (Maybe "Entrapped" would be better?)

Mango: (ye, that would probably work better)

Rosie: Harry, being desperate for *any chance* of a family member that doesn't hate his existence, decided he wanted to find his Great Uncle Sammy. The goblins say they can run an investigation for him, while he goes through the proper channels to get to the states while underage. (Which also includes finding a place to stay, getting a passport, etcetera.)

Mango: i'd love to read this fanfic.

Rosie: The things get a little, weird.

Mango: no doubt

Poe: question: is sammy mom or dad's side of the family, i’m thinking dad but...

Rosie: Sammy Lawrence had gone missing years ago, along with most of the employees at the Cartoon Studio where he worked. But there was never an investigation by MACUSA since the Grindlewald War was still going on and had finally reached American shores. Sammy was the cousin of Harry's grandfather on his mother's side of the family.

Poe: gotcha gotcha

Rosie: Harry, still wanting to know more, decides he's going to go overseas anyway and maybe find and look around the Studio himself. But the goblins are smart enough (and not willing to lose such a valued customer) to set up a "Back Up" time frame for him. Meaning when he goes, if he doesn't contact them after a certain period of time, they will send people to go looking for him.

Mango: smart

Rosie: This, in turn, keeps Harry from being absolutely terrified while in the studio. He knows help is coming, he just needs to keep calm and safe until they arrive.

Mango: poor naive boy

Rosie: Overall, it's good logic. He needs to keep himself safe, and he needs to not fall into a mindless panic.

Mango: true

Rosie: But then he meets Sammy. Sammy is a lot of things (including crazy), but he knows that his "Lord" was born from a children's cartoon character, and probably wouldn't be happy with him if he tried to sacrifice a child.

Mango: ohhh boy

Rosie: So he tries to catch Harry, and move him to a "safer" place.

Mango: awww

Rosie: But he doesn't know about Harry's fight reflexes. The ones the wizarding world trained into him.  Sammy gets a stunner to the face for his efforts.

Mango: oof then he reverts to true salt briefly "listen, kid, i'm trying to keep you safe!"

Rosie: "I'm sorry! You startled me!" Sammy; What are you even doing here? Harry; I-I'm looking for someone.

Mango: "tell me their name, i might know of them"

Rosie: "Sammy, Sammy Lawrence. He-He was my Mum's Uncle. I wanted to find him." Cue silent shock.

Mango: sammy freezes up at that

Lili: I LOVE THIS

Rosie: 'I had a niece?' I think Sammy is going to be an older cousin of Harry's grand-dad. Like, a much older cousin.

Mango: "well, you found me, kid, now what?"

Rosie: (well hello awkward silence, how nice of you to join us.)

Mango: (XD)

Rosie: I dunno what would happen then, but I think it would "end" with the Goblins sending a full rescue team of Curse Breakers after the first few arrive and sense the sheer *volume* of dark magic from the studio, and then Sammy is living a mostly sane ink man with his great-nephew while being treated by the local magical hospital. And all wizards that show up at their door get the full brunt of Sammy Salt.

Mango: i want sammy getting salty at hogwarts

Rosie: I envision lots of shorts that would basically be "The Life and Times of a Wizard and an Ink Man".

Mango: yesssss

Rosie: Harry is very interested in Curse Breaking and Medical Magic now. Sammy is pissed that Hogwarts doesn't offer proper Music and Drama programs. "What do you *mean* you never had a music class there?!"

Mango: he has half a mind to storm up to the school and DEMAND an arts program

Rosie: "Get me an instrument, no one in my family is *not* going to know how to play *something* musical." Hell, he'd probably teach the kids *himself* with how offended he'd be at the concept. "I don't care if it's a bloody *recorder* Harry, you are going to learn to play music."

Trash Ma: he did have that flute hagrid made him in first year

Rosie: Oh, that's perfect!

Trash Ma: The one that sounded like an owl That Harry used to get past fluffy

Rosie: Yes. "My, that's actually quite nice. Now you'll need to hold it like this..." Sammy turns out to be pretty good with kids. Or, at least, he's good with Harry. I like this new idea. "Good Dad" Sammy. It has a nice ring to it.

Mango: sammy? a dad? yes please

Rosie: Or at least "Good Uncle" Sammy. I want to see wizards trying to handle Angry Ink Man Sammy acting in defense of his nephew.

Mango: y e s also, the Dursleys getting tried for child abuse

Rosie: Harder to pull with Sammy still being and ink man. He can't exactly stand up in court. Unless it was a Magical Court. Now then, back to Uncle Sam.

Mango: UNCLE SAM everyone at hogwarts being a little confused about harry's inky american uncle

Rosie: How about after finding out was his great-nephew, he gets super protective of him in the Studio.

Mango: y e s

Rosie: "Oh no, 'My Lord' can go *fuck* himself, I'm not letting him lay a *single finger* on you."

Trash Ma: So is sammu related to lily or james

Mango: and i am 1000000% behind uncle sammy protecting harry in the studio

Rosie: Lily.

Mango: sammy's the cousin of lily's grandpa, right?

Rosie: Lily's dad, Harry's grandpa. He's the older cousin of Lily's dad.

Mango: ah makes sense

Trash Ma: Harry's grandpa's name was also Harry  i mean not canonically but i like that

Rosie: I wrote it as Harold. He was named "Harry" in honor of him.

Trash Ma: yaaaaass

Mango: i like this

Rosie: Sammy is now also dead set on getting Harry out of the Studio safely. Even when the Salt is mostly replaced by Crazy, he still wants Harry out of there Safely. He ditches the Bendy mask at some point too.

Mango: he's not letting harry see that

Rosie: As the Curse Breakers extract more people/toons from the studio, they end up being placed under the care of House Potter, since Harry is letting the Goblins fund the clean out with money from the Potter vaults. Since his search was what started it all. So Harry's ending up with a big, messed up, traumatized, and mentally wounded family living under his roof.

Mango: LOTTA TOONS

Rosie: And Sammy ending up the "Boss" of the house since he's the "oldest member" of Harry's family (and is now his guardian thanks to the Goblins) What if Uncle Sam was one of those border-line Hover Parents? He doesn't hover Harry's shoulder, but he *does* repeatedly stuck his head in the room and go "Everything alright in here?" Also, someone starts laughing really hard the first time Sammy gets called "Uncle Sam". Then they start confusing people by quoting the recruiting posters. "Uncle Sam wants YOU!" "Oh, shut up, would you?" Harry is so confused.

Poe: Pfft

Rosie: I want Sammy to start having one of his "Prophet"- Episodes while Dumbledore is trying to talk him into sending Harry back to Dursleys. "No, it's not going to happen. I will not allow it. He WiLl nOt be gOinG BaCk to TheM!" "Uncle Sammy, please calm down! Professor, I think you should leave for now." Dumbledore; "Now Harry, I'm sure we can talk this-" Harry; "No sir, Uncle Sammy has some issues he's still recovering from. I need to stay because I'm the only one that's safe when it kicks in. You should *really* leave Professor." Sammy; "LeAVe uS, Old GOaT. Or YoU'lL be An OfFerEd sHeEP." *Sammy starts singing the Sheep song from the game*

Lili: :D But also D: I love it But poor everyone

Rosie: *Harry pulls Sammy away and shoves Dumbles out the door* And yet the Goblins still had proof that Sammy (even with his Schizophrenia) was a better guardian for Harry than the Dursleys. The Prophet is obsessively protective of Harry. And still does a good job caring for him. Lots of food, hugs- he's actually kind of dotting, to be honest. He just talks crazy while doing it. Harry has gotten very good at cleaning spells. They have this weird balance for who's the Kid and who's the Adult. When Sammy's head is clear, he's the stable adult that makes sure Harry is happy and healthy and doing well with the school stuff he has.

Poe: Oh my god that's so cute and also sad I love it

Lili: PERFECT MIX OF FLUFF AND ANGST

Rosie: When the Prophet is out, Harry is the one keeping track of things and making sure Sammy doesn't hurt himself or others, but still letting him dot. But the ended up being very good at it. And they both end up helping each other heal. Harry with getting Sammy stable mentally and recovering from the damage of being trapped in the studio for so long, and Sammy getting to be more comfortable with himself and with actually having family that cared about him.

Poe: Aww,,

Lili: :')

Rosie: And the Salty Ink Man ends up becoming an honorary Goblin

Poe: I love recovery stories so much okay This is my j a m

Lili: Recovery stories are great

Poe: Like my favorite part about angst and trauma is the recovery it's so good

Rosie: He finds out about the people profiting from the disaster that befell the Potter family, and his nephew. He gets them to put up libel fines for that Boy-Who-Lived crap, and fines for anyone that had taken stuff from the Godric Hollow house after it had fallen. (You *know* there were souvenir hunters that broke in for stuff) Harry is shocked that there are laws about that kind of stuff and why no one told him about them before.

Mango: i love the entire uncle sammy arc

Rosie: I think this would have started before Harry's third year of school. It's the only one I can think of where Harry could have had the time for the test and to gather the stuff for going overseas. I'm gonna say the stuff that leads to Harry going to Diagon happened earlier, so he had more time decided to to go the states instead of waiting until the end of the next school year. Since he did that, he ends up staying in the states of the first half of his third year. So ho doesn't know about Sirius be connected to the Potters until Sammy tries to get a look at the wills of Harry's parents, finds out they were sealed, and that Harry's Godfather had never gotten a trial.

Mango: tRIAL FOR SIRIUS, WOO HOO  i just really like sirius, doggone it

Rosie: Abso-freaking-lutely!

Mango: how well would sammy and sirius get along?

Rosie: And Dumbledore getting himself into trouble. Yes, once they got over the initial bumps in the road.

Mango: now i want sammy in prophet mode to call sirius a sheepdog

Rosie: Sammy would be mad at him for putting his need for revenge over his responsibility to care for Harry in his best friend's place.

Mango: rip

Rosie: But he feels like the 12 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit are enough of a punishment. So now he just has to *make it up* to Harry.

Mango: wait, who thinks that, sammy?

Rosie: Sammy thinks that about Sirius.

Mango: ah, okay "i suffered for over tHiRty YeArS in that damned studio before Harry came looking for me"

Rosie: As for Dumbledore, he's in a lot of hot water for sealing the will of an old pure-blood family,  and claiming it was to keep Harry's location a secret. And unintentionally blocking the path of justice while he was at it.

Mango: ffs dumbles

Rosie: What was the rest of Sammy's sentence? Was there more after what you wrote?

Mango: i just don't like periods but i was thinking that he’d say something like, "so don’t even SPEAK to me about imprisonment"

Rosie: Oh, it just sounded like he was going to say more. (Well, I don't think Dumbledore was a witness for the will, so he wouldn't have known what was in it. But with his firm belief in second chances, he could have thought that Petunia would have been listed as a safe person for Harry to be left with. I don't like a purely evil Dumbledore, I like him as a misguided person better)

Mango: that makes sense he still gets in trouble tho sammy and sirius head that train

Rosie: "Don't talk to me about imprisonment with me, just work to *make up* for not being there."

Mango: and then sirius DOES

Rosie: Yes.

Mango: and the prankster dad and the salty drama dad become friends

Lili: YES

Rosie: YES

Lili: ALL OF THIS

Rosie: Sirius also gets a good look at angry Prophet Sammy at some point, probably when the Minister ends up sticking his foot in his mouth.

Mango: hoo boy that’s gotta be scary

Poe: Ooo

Rosie: He also sees how well Harry is handling at handling his schizophrenic Uncle's episodes.

Mango: they're all one big happy family :D

Rosie: Yes, flawed families do the best job of filling in each other's gaps.

Mango: i want henry there too but i like henry too much

Rosie: At some point, Harry is dragged back to England because that's where his school is. But Sammy comes with him since they just *can't* leave him unattended. And I mean Sammy. Henry could be there. He and Harry could arrive at the same time.

Mango: :D

Rosie: Henry let's Harry come with him instead of letting the kid wander off on his own.

Mango: yesssss

Rosie: They get separated in the music department which is when Sammy tries to catch Harry, only to find out he was a great uncle and had never known.

Mango: henry finds harry again

Rosie: With Uncle Sam! And Hen is shocked by the state Sammy is in.

Mango: Sammy kind of guards harry from hen, almost not recognizing him

Rosie: And Harry is caught between wanting to tell them help would be coming for them and trying to keep magic a secret. He has to explain that Henry is a friend and not someone he needs to be protected from.

Mango: plot twist: henry's a small time wandmaker and knows about magic

Rosie: (To be honest, I like focusing on the Sammy-Harry relationship better)

Mango: (that’s fine, it’s your au. i just have a weird fixation)

Rosie: (is fine. I can understand it) Second half of Third year is Harry and Sammy continuing to fill in personal holes, fix legal stuff, and get used to their very weird lives. Oh, and Harry is working to catch up with all his missed work in school. He was spending his time in the states filling in the gaps in his general magical knowledge. And he's missing a *lot* of "common" knowledge. He never knew how much he didn't know until people were trying to talk to him about it. (Also, mango,  if you want to talk about how Hen would fit in, I don't mind. But I'll be focusing on Sammy shaking things up in the magical world.)

Mango: (maybe later, i don’t really have any ideas atm)

Rosie: I think that Harry ends up with a house (or something) in/near Hogsmead, so that Sammy won't be in the Castle as often as he would be if they were actually staying in the castle. Cause, you know, he's a schizophrenic with homicidal/volatile/violent tendencies Or at least somewhere close enough that Harry could hop on the train to get to school. Since there's no way that train *only* goes to Hogwarts and King's Cross.

Mango: no way in hell

Rosie: Harry kind of likes the new schedule, since he now sits in a small breakfast with his small family, then goes to the station to ride to school, has his school day (with lunch there), rides home, and has dinner with his family. Rinse and repeat. He doesn't have to deal with the fame games and student issues 24/7 anymore. And he loves it.

Poe: Aww How is his relationship with his classmates?

Rosie: I think the place they're all staying in is an old Potter family house, that was in a town that had a Hogwarts Express station. But it didn't see a lot of traffic since so few magicals lived near there. It was getting used again since Harry had sent a request for them to stop there for him to get too and from School. This is also re-implanting the idea of using the express for more than just getting to and from school during the holidays.  More students are taking weekend trips on the train to find out where else it goes. People organize train trips to plot out the routes the train travels (they had never thought about it before) Other parents meet ink man Sammy, and while weirded out by his appearance, they approve of his ideas about the school and caring for a magical kid. And dealing with magic in general.

Mango: imagine sammy becoming more famous than lockhart sAMMY WRITING A PARENTING BOOK FOR MAGICALS

Rosie: Sammy, though salty, is actually pretty likable and has lots of good ideas that magical parents like and muggle parents agree with. Yes. Henry is the co-author.

Mango: yesss i think sammy would hate snape tbh

Rosie: Sammy; "They need proper music and arts programs, how do you expect children to learn about those things if you don't teach them?" MugParent; "Exactly! How can they learn about what interests them if you don't expose them to it?" Oh heck yeah. Sammy may be salty, but Snape is just plain *cruel* to his students.

Mango: sammy goes full prophet on his ass

Rosie: Snape would do better dealing with older students who *honestly interested* in the subject than kids who are only there because it was required.

Mango: oh definitely

Rosie: Harry has to jump on his Uncle to keep the Prophet from stabbing Snape with an ingredient knife.

Mango: o o f

Rosie: After Snape was taking pot shots at Harry and Neville.

Mango: Understandable

Rosie: It was a protective rage. From that point on everyone works to keep Sammy and Snape separated.  Later on, Sammy makes the statement about Snape not being fit for teaching younger students when Harry tells him more about the man. And he makes it to someone on the Board of Governors.

Mango: oh damn.

Rosie: They agree with him.

Mango: that’s impressive

Rosie: He didn't know the person he was part of the Board. He was just making conversation with someone during a parent weekend.

Mango: ah now i’m just imagining him rant to like 20 different people at different times about snape

Rosie: Of course! He's too salty to keep to himself.

Mango: he’s also ranting about how hogwarts needs an arts and music course

Rosie: Yes. Harry's friends are unsure of ink Uncle.

Mango: sammy is good at ranting

Rosie: Hermione is horrified that Harry would skip out on half a school year to find a relative he'd never met, but Sammy talking about improving the school is lifting her opinion. Ron is amazed by the adventure Harry went on without meaning to, but Sammy scares him a bit.

Poe: This is so beautiful

Mango: ikr

Rosie: I wonder how Mr. Weasley would react to Sammy? Mrs. Weasley would probably not be happy about Harry living with him. She wouldn't think he was a good guardian because of his mental health issues.

Mango: coughablistcough

Rosie: I was working from the idea that she didn't think Sammy made a good guardian because Harry kept having to care for *him* instead of the other way around. Parents were supposed to be caring for their kids, not the other way around.  And, you know, she's stifling and kind-of controlling for anyone she thinks of as one of "Her" kids. (I think the reason her oldest sons all picked up jobs that took them away from home was so they could escape her coddling.) But Harry is more capable than she's giving him credit for, and even when being crazy it's clear he cares about Harry.  And Sammy doesn't treat Harry like he isn't able to tie his own shoes without help. Also, should there be actual toons in this AU? Or should they all be people that were used/altered by Joey?

Mango: i want to say actual toons

Rosie: It's a bit of a coin toss for me. Hence why I'm asking. Actual toons would be interesting and leaves room for recreating an alternate/new studio, but then I'd have to take time to explain how they could exist. With the people as toons, I can use stuff about Transfiguration how it was possible.

Mango: i vote option 2 then

Rosie: But the possibilities for both are fun too. *I need more than one person voting on this!*

Poe: I go with transfigured people because it functions better in the story and considering the magical world's problems with recognizing anything but wizards and witches as capable beings with rights unless you want to deal with that

Rosie: Okay, thank you. That is good reasoning. They will be transfigured people, and all receiving medical help thanks to Harry and Henry. Now I need to figure who's who in this. "Monster" Characters are: 'Bendy', The Prophet, Boris, Alice, Charley, Barley, Edgar, and the Projectionist.  Which Alice theory should I use? Alice = Susie, Alice = Allison, or Alice = Susie Mixed with Allison? And which characters should be the Butchers? (Boris is gonna be Wally, I think. Though it might be fun to use Shawn!Boris...) Bah, I’ll focus more on that later.  Harry asks to shuffle around his electives. Because now he's more interested in Curse Breaking and Healing magic than just getting easy grades.  Divination is dropped for Arithmancy, Care is kept (because Hagrid is the teacher and he wants to support him) and he adds Ancient Runes as a subject. Henry shares that the best way to show how well you understand something is to try and explain it to someone else. So when Harry gets home he explains what he's learned to Sammy (if he's okay), or Boris. (Harry also got tutors from the Goblins while he was in the states, so he's not that far behind in Testing levels.) (The Goblins don't mention that it's the *international* testing levels.) (Harry is confused when he finds he's *ahead* of his classmates when he gets back to Hogwarts) (Sammy is even more offended by the school standards then)

Poe: Aww Cute thiings

Rosie: Should the people from the studio be able to see the Thestrals, or no? Also, since Joey is 'Bendy', should he be salvageable? Or is he gonna be 6ft under?  You know, the more I think about it, the worse I realize the Hogwarts curriculum was. There were no math classes, no language classes, no writing classes, no art classes. Most parents would be frothing at the mouth over how unprepared those kids would be once they got out into the world. *I see so much Sammy Rage in the future of this AU.*

Mango: ***It shall be glorious**

Rosie: ***And we haven't even gotten to the chaos of fourth year yet.** ***Sammy is gonna hecking KILL the Minister if he gets his hands on him.**

Mango: HOO BOY

Rosie: Well, can you blame him?  Fudge has shot himself in the foot more times than I dare to count.

Teir: If I can voice my opinion, I think Joey should be salvaged :P. I don't really have a justification, just that he's an interesting character to have around

Poe: I think having him discover functional magic could be interesting,

Rosie: That could work.

Trash Ma: Mom says actual toons

Rosie: So that's 2 for People changed into Toons, and 1 for Actual Toons.

[frogmajick]

Religion

When I turned thirty I didn’t become an adult. I became a walking pathology. I became questions on a sheet at a doctor’s office profiling me to find out what kind of sorry, sad, unhealthy bastard I was.

Smoker? Yes, since 1994

Gravitas? 2 live births, 1 miscarriage

Weight? Obese

And I did as I was supposed to, yearly check up to tell me I was still fat and should still quit smoking. But it was all good because I was young and healthy. Mostly.

Thirty five.

God, doc, you know, sometimes I feel bad. School pressures family pressures life pressures it’s all getting me down. Boom- you’re depressed, take these pills and you’ll feel better.

And so I did. And they didn’t. So I went to a new doctor who said that the light at the end of the tunnel was a different color and shape because I was on the depression metro and I needed to be on the Bi-Polar Express. It didn’t matter to me so long as I got help.

I joined the church of psychopathy and I found a religion.

A religion is something you do every day. People say 'I do this religiously' meaning their dishes or their laundry or their hair and make-up. Few of them acknowledge the religiosity of being sane. For some people they call it a regimen. Some just call it their meds. Some consider the morning ritual of a strong anti-psychotic and a hot cup of coffee to be an act of communion. Body of mental health, blood of mental health. Bless you child. There are those who don't know and will never know the importance of this ritual. They won't know about the ecstasy of mania, the whipping thoughts, the frenzy of action, the high you feel. The euphoria. Like being lifted higher and higher, there is no wrong, there is only joy and happiness and the knowledge that nothing can go wrong. They don’t know the bliss of cleaning They won't know the agony of the crash. The down cycle. The depression. The crushing feeling of doom, of being removed from the grace of the mania and left to rot in the bowels of a personal hell devised by one's own mind. Every terrible thought, every trespass that may happen. The only way to escape is sleep, is silence. The only way to move is slowly and the only hope is in a bottle with a childproof cap. Sometimes that hope centers on the question of just how many one may need to take to end this forsaken suffering. But then the mania comes again and the depression fades like a bad dream. Nothing could be wrong! The holy communion of the blue pill white pill pink pill- a rainbow of pills, try the one that fits you best, the one you believe in- that communion of that solid small bit of pharmaceutical devotion laid on the tongue so carefully. With reverence. And the mouthful of coffee tea water- does it really matter- blends the two together in a whole. Transubstantiation happens somewhere between the glottis and the gullet. The body and blood of sanity fill you in this act of devotion, this act of pure faith. How do we know the drugs work? Even the doctor who lays them in your hand and bids you peace and wellbeing doesn't know exactly how they affect the brain. No, it's an act of faith, this religious folly that brings the pill to the mouth. It's the hope of sanity. The hope that a religious act will keep one stable and not bouncing toward a high or sinking to a low. An even keel, guidance for this world we're in and a solid, tangible lifeline to keep us settled and solid and content to be in this world we are in. A religion is something you do every day. Some people just have to work harder than others at their faith.

And no one gets out without their faith being tested because when the mind is steady and even then the body begins to fail.

Ten years later and you begin to sweat. Not a little, no, a torrent. You sweat and can’t breathe and turn red and people wonder what is wrong with you and if it’s because you’re obese and then one day you chalk it up to weather and nerves and leave it be. But then you start crying. You start crying at cats that slip and fall and dogs with three legs and children who begin to cry and you cry at the poetry of a crushed flower and the profound grief to be had in a reader board that has lost a letter so it says Taco Bell Live Ma. Yeah, Taco Bell, Ma would like to live.

These kinds of tears can’t be right so you go to the shrink to say the holy Eucharist might not be so holy anymore and the therapist grills you and then laughs in your face. You don’t need an old priest or a young priest and you don’t need different antipsychotics. Get thee to the OB/GYN.

Oh yes, you’re not mental, you’re menopausal, which you might have actually assumed if you were not already fighting a daily battle with sanity as it was. Blue pill pink pill white pill, now more pills. And if the pills don’t work we’ll carve it out of you because you’re done breeding, done being a woman. You don’t need it and you know now-days we just pull it right out the vagina. It’s the most brutal inside-out circumcision invented.

But you’ll feel better. Millions of women suffer mental illness, every menstruater hits menopause. Medicine and surgery, medicine and surgery, bow to the religion of health.

What do you mean you can’t bow because your skeleton is broken?

Spondylolisthesis degenerative disk disorder stenosis osteoarthritis. So your back hurts, right?

Sure, except no.

Smoker? No, I quit in May after 20 years.

Gravitas? 2 births, 1 miscarriage, one foster child not of my body but of my heart (that doesn’t count on an ob/gyn chart)

Weight? Obese…and honey that’s not going to change because I’ve been fat and happy about it since the days I was well within the BMI and my daddy told me I was built like a brick shithouse and destined to be a linebacker. Since my mother pointed out at every opportunity that I had a little tummy as she fed me pie nightly. Since my grandma simultaneously taught me to bake what tasted the best and then told me my bottom was too round for boys to like me and I should learn to dance. I like my body. I am soft and my kids like to hug me and sleep on me. I’m good for children and I fit perfectly against my husband in bed. Do I wish I was skinny? Yes, but only because I could get cute clothes in a store that didn’t cost 5 dollars more. It’s not for looks or health, it’s about money. Money and faith.

So I’m forty and I’m a pathology. I’m a walking sickness, mentally and physically. I have my disabled placard to put in my window so I can walk to the shop where I can’t find clothes to fit and can only, on a good day, manage to walk slowly for 20 minutes and then give up and come home.

Home to the shrine where I have another ritual. A darker, more secret ritual.

Blessed is the Hydrocodone that stills my pain. Blessed is the Robaxin that calms my muscles. Blessed is it Fentanyl that gives me some long term relief.

It’s the hope of a pain free night just as much at the daytime pills give you hope for sanity.

The church of pharmacology is the church of hope. And sometimes that hope is all I have to get me to the next day.

A religion is something you do every day. Some people just have to work harder than others at their faith

[ffuturefoundation]

@ravenmechanic​ did those post with question about their life during 2017 just before the year ended, and i wanted to answer the question too. i am just a little late with it (like i am with everything lately...)  anyway also tagging @laurel-jane-juspeczyk​ if that is okay, just bc it is me talking about my life and how things have been and yeah it’d be cool if both of you read it but also fine if not.

it’s under a read more, bc it is kinda long.

what did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? I drove a car! Which went much better than expected and while everything surrounding it isn't so great, i feel v good about the actual driving aspect. I also moved in with someone, just in a roommate capacity but that's still a big deal. I made cookies for the first time (that I can remember)!! I left therapy and felt somewhat ready about it for the first time (I'm used to being told to leave because they can't help me or things like that so this was a v nice change) And I got glasses, which I guess isn't really a thing I did but still was a v new thing. i can’t believe it has been less than a year?? it feels like i’ve always had them tbh.

did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Ha nope. Okay tbf I didn't really make any resolutions at all, it's more that I had goals for the year, namely getting a job and getting my driver's license, and I have failed at both and spent way way too much money on driving classes already. did anyone close to you give birth? Nope did anyone close to you die? Charlie died in the middle of January which was really difficult for me, because she just meant the world to me and it wasn't just a joke when I referred to her as the light of my life. I'm feeling okay about it now and I have different pets now, but she was really an amazing little creature and I wish she was still a part of my life what countries did you visit? The only country I have visited is France. I mean I've driven through two other countries and I've obviously been in the country my family is from and the one I live in, but that's it. so even counting all of that, it is only five countries, which does not feel like much at all (okay i have been in germany to grocery shop and buy clothes, as well so it isn’t like i’ve only driven through that. but i haven’t been anywhere in belgium besides just travelling through!! i don’t think i’ve even gotten out of the car there. i need to go there this year.) what would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? A job (i am joking, sort of). But mostly having someone to hug. Having some sort of physical contact with people, because I'm so tactile, and I just need physical affection and I can't get it. (This is honestly my biggest challenge in life which sounds so stupid, but yeah one of the biggest issues in my life has always been not having people to hug)

what dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? When Charlie died. Going on holiday with two of my friends. telling my friend about the csa stuff and then discovering a mouse in their apartment, that was really something (the tension was so thick and heavy, and then /hey you guys have a mouse/). Going to the zoo with my sister and niece, any day I was with them tbh.

what was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting more emotionally stable and healthy. I know I'm still a mess quite often, but I've never been as stable as I've been this year (at least not without being super dissociated and barely existing) Also it's the first year that I didn't actually consider killing myself, which is a huge deal. 

what was your biggest failure? Not getting a job

did you suffer illness or injury? Overall I've been pretty healthy

what was the best thing you bought? I impulse bought 12 puzzles in the middle of the night once, and honestly it's the best thing I did. I've gotten so much joy and calm and just a general feeling of achievement from those puzzles. 

whose behavior merited celebration? Uhm tbh my own, for continuing to try to achieve my goals whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I want to say my parents but they haven't been too terrible this year, I just find the fact that they exist horrible already.

where did most of your money go? Driving classes…. (We're definitely over 20000 DKK already and I still don't have a license)

what did you get really, really, really excited about? Oh boy, I got so into Spider-Man it is almost ridiculous. I also got excited about other things but my current interest in Peter Parker is some heavy special interest stuff, and it just makes me really happy tbh. i fell super hard for mcu peter parker cause he is such a sweet child, and then i read the ultimate spiderman comics, and i can confidently say that 1610 peter parker is my fave, he is such an anxious disaster that never knows what to do, i love him. (i mean 616 is also cool, though lbr he is an asshole (he is a nice one and never cruel but yk)) what song will always remind you of 2017? I guess it would probably be top of the world by Greek fire, because I listened to that so so many times for the Peter Parker fanvideo that I made (and also in general had it in my music playlist so yeah probably that one)

what do you wish you’d done more of? Written more, and practiced other things more as well. Just that I'd work harder on learning more skills, though I did still do that quite a bit, but it could have been more

what do you wish you’d done less of? Probably laying in bed (says me a person who is currently laying on the couch xD but the couch is a lot better than my bed tbh) how did you spend christmas? I spend Christmas Eve with my grandparents for the first time that I can remember and it was great! I'm so glad I got the opportunity to spend it with them. First Christmas Day I did nothing. And second Christmas day my sister came over so I spend a lot of time with her and my niece which was great.

what was your favorite tv program? The librarians, which is just so much fun and such a quality show. I can't recommend it enough. Also the expanse, which has great characters and is very interesting. And of course leverage like always, because it is the best show ever.

do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No what was the best book you read? I can't even remember what books I've read what was your greatest musical discovery? I don't know. I did start listening to more music though, which I think is a good thing, because I'm just getting more comfortable with it really (and just myself in general) what did you want and get? I feel more secure and free from my family

what did you want and not get? Someone to hug what was your favorite film of this year? Spider-Man homecoming. I saw it so many times it was ridiculous, and I just got completely obsessed with it which then started my interest in Peter Parker. The movie just brought me so much happiness. Though I'm now definitely at a point where I have quite some criticism about the movie. what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 23, and i didn't do anything special. Honestly I just read comics really xD fun fact though my entire family was together celebrating the birthday of other people and only my uncle bothered to call me and wish me happy birthday (3 people did text me though but still) and it wasn't even the actual birthday of those people whose birthday they celebrated...

what one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being more financially secure how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? Long sleeved shirts with t-shirts over them. Also of course hoodies.

what kept you sane? Honestly my medication which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I was into Tom Holland for like two weeks, which was the strangest thing because I'm usually v much not into famous people because Idol worship is v much not my thing because everyone is fake anyway and they're mostly trained liars that I do not know. who did you miss? My sister. Also Charlie because she died and was the best animal ❤ who was the best new person you met? Idk I didn't meet anyone that I'm really close to tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. Plans, goals and reputation don't matter. Just live your life in a way that makes you happy and content.

[angiemel]

Ok, I’ll try to write in english, it’s been a while since I haven’t (my grammar suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!! >.< )

As much as I love music, to listen to, to sing to, or to simple humming to; I’ve been avoiding it.

My depression took a turn ... for the worse... to the point that the only thought in my head was that if I was dead then that would be the only way I’ll be in less pain.

Sometimes I feel like I should be dead... so many resources wasted, money wasted, oxygen wasted... I try to force myself into living, is it worth it?...

I’ve been like this for most of my life, mostly since I turned 12 for what I can remember, always wondering about life, about the meaning of things, maybe is that I’m not such a positive person??

The thing is I have 3 younger sisters whom I love deeply, by the time those suicidal thoughts came into sight first one of them became ill with cancer. I was devastated (it would have been better if I was in her place ?), my parents, my other sister, the youngest was still a baby. 

We were living in a small city (more like a village) with no other relatives near, it was a chaotic time. My parents sold everything they owned so she could get a treatment.

I had to left college (I was good enough to had a scholarship) , we moved to Lima (capital city), we went trought a lot... at the end she and my mother had to travel to Spain, she was cured so I’m grateful despite everything... I had to be a mother to my youngest sister, always with responsabilities, always busy, always anxious, am I good enough?, we went to live with my granny but the family atmosphere wasn’t that good. 

We weren’t able to see our sister for 10 years, my little one is more my daughter than a sister and now she’s living with my mom, they don’t get along, it’s hard for everybody.

I’m almost 30 years old now, I still feel like I haven’t done anything, I worry about everything, I’m unemployed, didn’t get my degree,I feel stuck in a foreign country, last year was awful! and to top it all my boyfriend for over 6 years broke up with me, I respect his decision but I feel that he left me at my lowest, I’m still hurt, He’s with someone else now, traveling and planning a family.

I would like to feel happy for him, but I can’t. Sometimes I feel misserable.

I know I can’t make others responsible for what happens with me, I try to be grateful, to be a good person, I care after my sisters the most, we were raised on a sexist society and I wouldn’t like to see them suffer over some guy. I want to be strong for them.

I think there’s also a difference between what I do with my life (or lack of life sometimes) and what I think I should do.

I feel like my family always pressured me into growing up, into be a role model for my younger sisters, to be more resposible and to feel responsible for them. I love them, but I?m so hard on me and I end up doing nothing.

Sometimes everything hurts.... even breathing.

But then again, I want to be strong for them, keep on living for them, because I want to be there for them, for when they need me and I know that I have to be sane, stable, healthy.

So I try to.

I stopped reading, because almost every story has a couple and that makes me suffer, it makes me cry, even when I don’t want to... I’m too sensitive... too emotional.

I stopped listening to music for the same reason.

I end up uncontrollably crying.

I used to enjoy poetry, and now I just don’t... not because I can’t because somehow I still do, but because it makes me feel even more, and all I can feel now is hopelessness.

Slowlly I’ve been trying to write a little more, to read a little more.

Picking up songs that I know that don’t affect me that much (I had to left my favorite artists forgotten by now)

I’ve been drawing, I’m not good, but is helping me out, I wanted to make something creative, I used to love that.

This is cathartic somehow, I feel a lil bit better.

and I wanted to discover new music, today I listened this and I loved it.

I would love some recomendations.