#but now idk maybe i won't get anything at all
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Okayy so this is my first time doing a request BUTTTT can you do Daisuke brat taming reader? Idk I just want him to be rough..😣🙏
Oooooo now this I'm actually excited to write :3
NSFW MDNI
Daisuke x bratty f! Reader
Daisuke was so tired. So done with everything. Swansea had been on his ass all day with stupid shit. He just wanted to go to his room with his girlfriend and have a decent night. Until you started teasing him, bending over to pick things up in a way you normally never did. A way you knew drove him crazy. The way your hips swayed when you walked towards him. Looking up at him with those big doe eyes. God he was so over today, honestly he was waiting for an excuse to take his frustration out on something. That something being you.
You've been bent over the bed for what felt like hours now. Tears brimming your eyes as Daisuke's hand came down on your ass once more. Making you jump and whimper at the contact. "Awww is the little bratty bitch crying?" He laughed meanly. " Too bad, looks like the consequences of her actions have finally caught up to her." He said, his brown eyes glaring down at you." Here's what you're gonna do, you're going to get on your knees and suck me off until I cum down that pretty little throat of yours then maybe, just maybe, I'll fuck you until you can't walk straight." He said, gently shoving you onto your knees in front of him. The bulge in his pants a dead giveaway to how much he was getting off on this. " Go on, get to work." He said, looking down at you. Your hands made quick work of his belt, pulling out his cock as you wrapped your lips around it. Looking up at him as his hand went to your hair. Gripping it gently as he thrusted into your mouth. Tears brimming your eyes as you gagged, Daisuke groaned as he huffed, fucking your throat as if it were a toy. You were practically soaking through your panties. Your eyes crossing while he fucked your throat. "Fuck m' gonna cu-um." He whimpered, that's the Daisuke you knew. With a few more thrusts he came down your throat. You pulled off and started coughing. His eyes were filled with concern as he held your face gently. "Color?" He asked. "Green." You replied. "Good, now get the fuck over here." He said, putting you face down ass up. His cock teasing your cunt. "I want you to apologize for being such a teasing little bitch today." He said, grinding against your entrance. "M' sorry Dai." You whined against the pillow. His hand came cracking down onto your ass once more. "There we go, that wasn't so hard was it?" He asked, pushing into you, burying himself to the hilt. Your back arching as he started a brutal pace. The only thing being heard in the room was the slapping of skin and your desperate moans. "This what you needed? To be fucked like a whore?" He asked, gripping your hips harshly. You nodded as you hummed a small 'mhmm'. You were so close, you just needed a little more for you to cum. Daisuke stopped. "Beg. Say you're sorry and that you won't pull anything like that again." He said, a smile on his face. "I'm sorry, I won't do anything like that again I promise. Just please let me cum." You whined. "Atta girl." He said, speeding up his movements again as he reached around your body. Playing with your clit as your eyes crossed. That knot in your stomach snapping as your came all over his cock. It didn't take long for him to cum after. Once you two were tied out he laid down next to you. "Was I too rough baby?" He asked, those puppy dog eyes coming back within a second. "No it was great." You said with a smile kissing him sweetly. "Good."
#mouthwashing#mouthwashing horror game#mouthwashing hc#mouthwashing headcanon#i need him#mouthwashing smut#i need a lobotomy#daisuke x reader
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killing me softly (part one)
part two (soon)
pairing: rafe cameron x fem!introverted!kook!reader
cw: swearing, very indirect subtle mention of sexual activities (no actual scenes), mention of drug usage (no actual scene)
synopsys: it's the last year of high school and y/n is paired up with rafe cameron for a 2 week project in art class. this wouldn't be a problem if y/n wasn't awkward as hell and well ... if there wasn't her big fat crush on him.
word count: 2144
a/n: i haven't written this kind of stuff since like 8th grade (i recently graduated from university sooo yeah) but i kinda felt like it now and idk. there are so many smut involved fics on here (which isn't bad, i just need more softer slow burn stuff). not saying there won't be any smut in future parts hihihihi. also i have no clue how the american school system works (i'm from europe) so pls just accept this lol. and kelce's last name is statter bc apparently it was never mentioned in the show. anyway, this is for all my introverted and overthinking girlies (who may or may not be little freaks) <3
*****
Fuck my life.
That was the only thing on your mind as Mr. Smith announced the partners for the upcoming two-week art project. In pairs, you were supposed to create a reinterpretation of the Greek gods.
The assignment wasn’t the problem. In fact, it actually sounded kind of fun. But your partner? Yeah, that was the real issue.
Fucking Rafe Cameron.
Of all the people in this class, it had to be him. You didn’t even know why he'd chosen this class. Rafe was probably the last guy you’d expect to take an art elective—well, right after Kelce Statter.
He'd probably thought it was an easy class to boost his GPA. Rookie mistake.
Okay, whatever, it was just a small project. You could handle this.
NO, YOU COULDN’T, HOLY SHIT.
The thought of working with Rafe Cameron made your skin crawl. In all your years at Kildare Academy, you'd maybe exchanged two words with him—and that was only because he'd mistaken you for another girl.
"Y/N, right?" Rafe appeared at your desk at the end of class, a bored expression on his face.
Okay, okay, just act normal. Be nice. You nodded. "Yeah."
Rafe stared at you for a moment, like he was waiting for you to say more. His eyebrows furrowed slightly before he tilted his head. "Cool, okay. Let’s just meet up during lunch break and get this over with."
Did he seriously think you could finish a two-week project in one lunch break?
When he saw the look on your face, he raised his brows in amusement, his tone teasing. "What? You too busy?"
Your cheeks heated up as you shook your head. "No, lunch sounds good."
"Okay, then let’s meet after the fifth period." Before you could ask where you should meet him, he turned around and disappeared out of the classroom.
You frowned. This was off to a great start.
Just two weeks, you reminded yourself as you slung your bag over your shoulder and headed to math class.
On the way, you unlocked your phone to text your bestie Cara:
You shoved your phone away and tried to ignore the uneasiness creeping into your stomach.
You didn’t usually have trouble talking to guys but Rafe Cameron was a whole different story. Not because he was "too cool" or some dumb shit like that.
No, Rafe was just... intimidating. Not in that bad-boy, cringe Wattpad kind of way. It was something else, something you couldn’t quite put into words.
He wasn’t arrogant—he was proud. He was loud, but not in the annoying way Kelce Statton was. He wasn’t rude—he just said whatever the hell was on his mind.
He was just ... himself. And yet, somehow he wasn't. It felt like there was a lot more going on beneath the surface.
Maybe that was what made him so interesting to you. Sure, he had a nice face and a well-known name, no doubt about that. But more than anything, you wanted to know why he was the way he was.
Was he just a blunt person who didn’t give a fuck, or was there more to him than his looks and his last name?
So yeah, maybe a part of you was curious about him. But he had such an overwhelming presence, you wouldn’t even know where to start.
In the past, he'd had a few friends-with-benefits situations, but none of them had lasted long. And that was definitely a path you didn't want to go down. Under different circumstances, maybe you could but you've never even held hands with a guy, let alone kissed one or—yeah, no, not going there.
Okay, chill. Internally, you cursed Cara for fueling your delusions.
You had more important problems at right now anyway. Like math class with Mrs. Richman. And no one could claim you were a star student in that subject.
----
The lesson dragged on, your thoughts constantly drifting. After class, you were supposed to meet Rafe.
Rafe, who had PE right now.
Shit. You tried not to think about a sweaty, heavy-breathing, and—NOPE, NOT NOW.
"Okay, that’s it for today. Don’t forget about the math test next week. But for now, go enjoy the nice weather," Mrs. Richman announced, dismissing the class.
Your hands felt clammy as you got up to leave. What the fuck is wrong with me?
You headed to the restroom and washed your hands. Why were you so nervous about spending one lunch break with Rafe Cameron? Fuck you, social anxiety.
"Everything okay?" A soft voice pulled you from your thoughts. "You look kinda pale."
You turned to see the pretty face of Molly Crane. Red hair, cute freckles, and a super charming smile. She was one of the few Kooks (if any existed at all) who was genuinely nice.
You forced a smile. "Yeah, yeah, all good. I think I just ate something bad for breakfast."
Molly didn't look convinced. "You sure? You look like you’ve seen a ghost."
"Really, thanks, Molly. I’m fine now." With an awkward smile, you excused yourself and headed out—only to realize that, well… great, you and Rafe had never picked a meeting spot.
Brrrt.
Your phone had been buzzing since math class. Of course, it had been Cara.
You rolled your eyes with a smile and texted back.
Should you really wait in front of the gym? That felt weird af. But at the same time, you didn’t want to miss him and end up having an awkward conversation about it in the next art class.
The dining hall would've been the most obvious meeting place, but would Rafe actually look for you there?
You pressed your lips together. Fuck it.
Heart pounding, you headed toward the gym.
Good thing your body totally knew how to distinguish between social interaction and actual danger.
When you arrived, you heard muffled voices of the boys inside, along with Coach Brown’s instructions.
Just breathe, it’s just one lunch break, you told yourself. Then again, this was probably how the next two weeks were going to feel.
You held your breath as the gym doors swung open, and a crowd of sweaty—oops wrong, freshly showered—boys streamed out.
You awkwardly stepped to the side, ignoring the curious glances thrown your way.
No sign of Rafe yet. A sick feeling settled in your stomach. Even worse than being here and having to explain HOW you knew that he would be here, would be explaining why you were standing there if he didn’t actually have PE right now.
But then relief washed over you when you spotted Kelce Statter and Topper Thornton. And right behind them—Rafe Cameron.
You tightened your grip on your bag. Okay, okay, I can do this. They’ll probably say bye to Rafe and leave for lunch now.
They didn’t. Great.
When Rafe saw you, something flickered in his gaze that you didn’t want to analyze. You expected him to just walk past you but instead, he headed straight toward you—with Kelce and Topper right behind him.
Just smile. No, not like that, you probably look like a creep. Oh god, okay.
"Hey," Rafe greeted you with a slightly puzzled smile as the three of them stopped in front of you. "I didn't expect you here."
In other words: Did you stalk me or how did you know I was here?
Kelce and Topper eyed you with amusement. This is so unbelievably embarrassing.
Blushing, you pointed at the gym bag slung over his shoulder. "Well, I saw you bringing a sports bag today, and PE is usually scheduled right before lunch ... so I just assumed you’d be here."
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Kelce stifling a laugh. You wanted to disappear from Earth, no from this universe. No way anyone would believe--
"Right," Rafe replied with a lopsided grin. "I would’ve just waited in the dining hall."
So you had been right. And you could've saved yourself this painfully awkward moment. G-r-e-a-t.
"Good thinking though. The faster we get this project over with, the better."
Shit, did Rafe just compliment you? Then again, why did the last sentence sound like he didn't want to work with you?
You smiled awkwardly. "Exactly."
"You're Y/N Y/L/N, right? Your mom owns Y/L/N Yacht Sales." Topper’s voice cut in, and you were grateful for the topic change.
You nodded. "Yeah."
Was that admiration on Topper’s face?
"Ohh, a business Mommy, I like that", Kelce said, and both Topper and Rafe eyed him with shaking heads.
Topper blinked at him annoyed. "Bro, shut the fuck up for once."
Kelce just laughed.
"My dad bought a Grady-White from you guys recently," Rafe remarked, and your gaze flicked back to his blue eyes.
Jesus, he wasn’t just looking at you—he was staring into your soul. If he was always looking at girls like that you'd gladly be his friends-with-benefits-girl.
You prayed to whatever gods were listening that you didn’t blush. "I remember. A 456 Canyon."
The corner of Rafe’s mouth twitched up. "Yeah, a pretty model."
Your cheeks warmed, and either he didn’t notice, or he chose not to comment on it.
"Oh shit, that sounds like a boat party," Kelce chimed in with a grin and looked at you. "If I were you, I’d have thrown a dozen parties by now. So many possibilities…"
Rafe scoffed amused. "Good thing she isn’t, or her family would be broke by now."
You allowed yourself a small smirk.
„Hey, I’m just saying.“ Kelce raised his hands innocently.
Topper tapped him on the chest with the back of his hand. „Okay, dude, and I’m saying we’re leaving now before you say more stupid shit.“ Then he looked at you apologetically and turned his gaze to Rafe. „See you later.“
Rafe just gave him a short nod, his expression hard to read, before turning back to you with a tired smile as Kelce and Topper disappeared behind the gym. „So, you hungry?“
Why did this situation suddenly feel so… intimate? It wasn’t. Definitely not. There was absolutely no reason to feel weird about this. And yet—standing here alone with Rafe Cameron was… a lot. Maybe it was the way he looked at you—calm, focused, as if he was actually paying attention.
Or maybe it was the damn wet strands of hair falling into his forehead after his shower.
Get a grip.
You nodded quickly, trying not to overthink it. „The cafeteria has quinoa veggie bowls today. Or fries, if you’re not into influencer food.“
Oh God. Was that your attempt at being funny? Tragic.
Rafe’s lips twitched with amusement. „So, you’re assuming I don’t like quinoa bowls?“
Oh. Oh no.
Heat immediately rushed to your face, and you could feel your cheeks burning. Why the hell did you say that?
„No—I mean…“ You let out a nervous laugh, which sounded more like a weird cough. „Not that you wouldn’t like it, but you’re just more like—uh, not that I’m putting you in a box or anything, but you don’t seem like someone who… uh…“
Rafe raised an eyebrow, his smirk widening. „Someone who eats quinoa?“
You sighed. „Forget it. I’m just talking nonsense.“
„No, no, now I’m curious.“ His voice was amused, almost teasing. „How exactly do I seem?“
You swallowed. Shit.
„Uh…“ Your eyes flickered over him for a second—his broad shoulders, the damp strands of hair falling into his forehead, the fresh polo shirt fitting way too well against his body—oh God, wrong direction.
„I just meant…“ Maybe you should just stop talking and dig your own grave. You sighed and smiled awkwardly. „Okay, look, I'm sorry if you’re actually a secret quinoa veggie bowl advocate. I didn’t mean to sound condescending.“
Rafe laughed. Not in a mocking way—no, it was real, warm, which somehow made it worse because it only made you more nervous.
„No, no, I get it,“ he said, shrugging with an amused smile. „I guess I need to work out more if I’m giving off ‘fries guy’ vibes.“
Your eyes widened, and you quickly shook your head. „That’s not what—“
„Relax, I know what you meant.“ He cut you off, tilting his head toward the dining hall. „Come on, you can keep judging me in there.“
I am the most embarrassing person alive, you thought, face still burning.
Still, you fell into step beside him, gripping the strap of your bag a little tighter. Brain, could you please shut the hell up? Thanks.
It didn’t.
Because why did Rafe’s presence feel so overwhelming—in the best way possible? And why did his ridiculously good aftershave still linger in the air between you, like some kind of cruel distraction?
And most importantly—how the hell were you supposed to survive two whole weeks of this?
#rafe cameron#rafe x reader#rafe outer banks#outerbanks rafe#obx rafe cameron#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron social media au#rafe obx#obx fic#outer banks#outer banks x reader#drew starkey#x yn#x reader#rafe fanfiction#fluff#rafe cameron x yn#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron fluff#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron imagine#rafe cameron outer banks
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Okay I literally haven't interacted on tumblr for years but I scroll through dreamling stuff a lot and I see your posts all the time and I know I won't ever write this myself cause I'm an ADHD mess but I have this idea I can't stop thinking about: So you know all those fics where Hob gets amnesia for some reason or another and Dream has to take care of him cause he can't remember anything about who he his or that he's immortal. I keep thinking, what if he only lost like 30 years of memories due to a specific curse or something (idk maybe he pisses off a witch and they're like "have fun being a literal baby in an adult man's body muahahaha!") so the last thing he remembers it was 1992 and he was in the process of establishing the New Inn since he was stood up three years ago. Cut to current and he and Dream have been dating for months after reuniting and being friends for a while and falling in love (naturally) and Dream visits regularly and sporadically so while Hob is trying to figure out what fucking year it is and how he's suddenly a professor when just the other day he was applying for classes and how does he now live in the inn that he literally just started building a month ago WTF IS GOING ON!!?!?!
Cut to Dream to showing up out of the blue and Hob freaking out because his stranger is back and acting super sweet and friendly and what the actual fuck is going on!!
Dream of course figures out something is wrong and gets Hob to come clean and he is murderous, How DARE someone put a curse on HIS HOB!!! I don't really have an exact idea of how this is all rectified, maybe Dream tracks down the witch and tortures them until they take the spell back, maybe he removes the curse himself since he's just that powerful, maybe it's broken with true love's kiss?? (lmao idk, I'm not super into that trope but if that's what you wanna go for be my guest)
Omg I feel so blessed that you went to the trouble of writing this out for me, friend! Yay!!
I feel like it would be incredible to see Hob going back to post-1989 abandonment trauma. In his mind he's still desperately trying to get over the fact that Dream didn't show up. Realistically he's not coping all that well, although he's setting himself up in his new life, he's still crying a lot and making questionable decisions and getting blackout drunk at 2pm. This trauma added together with the utter confusion of being thrust into a place and time that he doesn't know, REALLY freaks him out.
So Dream has to go into caretaking mode and make sure that Hob doesn't have a total breakdown. He's a little better when Dream is around, but he's still so confused and tearful a lot of the time. He needs a lot of reassurance from Dream, lots of explanation about 21st century life, and Dream is happy to provide.
I have this idea of the curse slowly wearing off over time, because Dream has taken care of Hob so well. Maybe one of the rules of the curse was that it would last until someone truly cared for Hob, body and soul. Dream still threatens the witch though of course. He's determined that no one will ever hurt Hob again (himself included, because now he knows exactly how upset Hob was by his abandonment).
When Hob fully regains his memories he drags Dream straight to bed and profusely thanks him for his sweet and tender care. Dream would gladly do it all again for nothing... but the sex IS a nice reward.
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missing the days when the internet wasn't google et al trying to sell me the same five things through a million different websites
#trying to find a replacement watch band but i'm finding ennui and mounting panic#maybe i'll buy the kinda pricey one from a turkish etsy shop even if the shipping is a Lot#and despite the fact that the last minute tax addition was a huge turnoff#but noooo i wasn't looking for fancy leather i wanted a fun nylon band because the problem with the silicone one is breathability#but now idk maybe i won't get anything at all#(this saga is running on two years)#applied faunology#when i was a kid i had a watch band with DRAGONS!! why isn't everyone and their mother making that!!#there IS a market i know it
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Complex feelings about copyright and Disney's appalling ethics aside, it does unsettle me how quickly people jump to make and monetize the most unnerving, depraved content imaginable about characters created for children the second it hits the public domain
#lilac rambles#lilac goes to the movies#look you don't have to defend yourselves to me i don't really care what you do#so please don't flood my inbox with all this stuff about why disney sucks and why gross stuff is good actually#im not here to fight#i get it. they suck and this feels vindicating#i just get unnerved watching people do terrible things to things created for children the second they can#maybe it's bc i don't see anyone making anything...idk...nice? and like...not freaky?#like it really feels like 'haha we're going to defile this creation bc it makes us feel good to destroy something created for families'#bc if it had just been the case with mickey id get it yknow#but people did this with sweet old pooh bear too#but maybe that's bc he's now a disney property idk#like maybe as other famous characters come into the public domain people won't do the same things#and honestly that will make me feel a lot better
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concept: unromanced eleanor as drifter's romantic advisor and wingwoman. how successful she actually is at this depends on how serious she's feeling.
#ni blabs#warframe#warframe spoilers#warframe 1999#eleanor nightingale#[lettie is letting you hold a rat. as far as i'm concerned you two are basically engaged now.]#[that radio thing- somachord. see if you can't bring that back for aoi. listen to something with her.#because honestly if i have to hear her loop that boyband song through her mind one more time-]#[...what? don't look to me for advice on talking games with amir.#just because i can read his mind doesn't mean i understand what an iframe is.]#[...maybe if you pretend that you don't know what a gun is hard enough quincy'll do that thing where he stands behind you#while teaching you how to shoot? i don't know i'm just spitballing here.]#[good luck trying to get my brother to focus on anything but all the impending doom. you're going to need it.]#idk if any of this is super ooc for her it's 4 in the morning#...i need to stop making these posts during the witching hour and get more sleep#tumblr WHY are you fucking up my tags.#fine i won't use quotation marks. Are You Happy Now.
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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men are so disappointing in so many ways i know i shouldn't expect most of them to be dignified humans but it's crazy. i need to get over this guy he's making my sense of self crumble even faster than it usually does. like he's just so unlike my usual type and i'm pretty convinced he's stupid and slutty and not discerning whatsoever. not to mention boring like i know even if i did have a chance with him he wouldn't Get Me at all so it's a bigger waste of time that usual and i'm actually pretty tired of men in general and definitely tired of parasocial relationships because they drive me insane for months typically. thankfully it's only been like 2 weeks if that at this point. idk. sigh. i know literally virtually nothing abt him as a person and ofc liking any public figure who you know nothing about is only setting yourself for heartbreak and disappointment to begin with bc you already know nothing is gonna come from it but. in a way it's almost addictive to become obsessed with someone and not be looked at with the same level of scrutiny. i don't think anyone in real life would ever try to get to know me as much as i try to get to know people who i'll never even meet. lmao! but that's the thing... idk... i have a lot of love in my heart and it consumes me and i reject my pride usually when i'm into someone. i want to know more... like VORACIOUSLY consuming anything with information about them involved simply because i think knowing someone is a very deep form of love but of course you can never truly know anyone. not completely. and that scares me i think which is why it's always probably been easier for me to never really TRY to be with anyone or have anything real. idk. this turned into me psychoanalyzing myself real quick but SOMEONE needs to bc i need to understand what the fuck is wrong w me.
#like i'm not gonna lie and say i do this every time i'm even vaguely interested in someone. most of the time i'm just like 'ooo hottie'#and then save a bunch of pics before either the shame gets to me or i just stop caring and move on. happens quite a bit more than my#obsessive episodes. the worst one was absolutely the fact that i was obsessed with jeremy for basically 3 years and spent two hating him#simply because i thought i was owed anything. honestly i think i was just very very insanely depressed. that's probably why those#obsessive periods even happen to begin with because i have felt so so horrible like soul ripped out horrible the past few weeks lmao#and i think i'm just a grasp for any light in the dark type person like it doesn't even necessarily mean anything the person is just someon#i attach significance to them when i do this shit but i know deep down that i'm owed nothing and that i truly expect nothing#it's just nice to have a distraction from my life. and dgmw that doesn't make me any less schizo about certain details and happenings#like i'll still think that 'oh they're only doing that because i'm into them' or 'they only went here because it was related to something i#was thinking about earlier' and whatever else. i know what i am. i don't claim to be anything else. and i know it puts people off.#and that i'm not likely to get any better if i keep doing it. if it's even possible for me to get better. but idk. it's interesting bc i've#thought more about what my life means to me and the kind of person i am and how my brain works and how everything affects me#more in the past few weeks than i seem to have in the last 5 years. i think i'm really getting better at accepting hard truths.#time spent by yourself is still time spent with the world.... and the more i think... even if it's hurtful... i'm growing and changing all#the time. i don't think if this was 4 years ago i would've even acknowledged the fact that i can't write off on This Guy's zionism#and other things about him that give me the ick (hate that phrase but whtevr) like him playing that gay hogwarts game and being a nepo baby#like bro you have trans friends and supposedly always 'look out for the small guy'. he's also never dated a fat girl despite his mom being#kind of a trailblazer for fat women in the entertainment industry. there's always rumors of him dating literally ever costar he's ever#worked with i guess simply because he seems like that kind of guy. and to be fair he does LMAO#honestly i don't know if i believe he's a bad person but i won't sign off on a guy i like being boring and stupid. that's just me#i'm sure ppl reading this who also don't Get Me are wondering why any of this even matters and the point is that it kind of doesn't lmao#but it's my life and i typically choose to care about people who will never even know i exist. unpopular girl instinct i suppose. maybe i'm#destined to be unloved or something but for now i wear fantasies like a blanket. maybe one day i won't need them anymore. but i def#do not need to center my romantic ideals on a guy i would be embarrassed to tell people i'm dating if i were actually dating him. rough#now just give me a month to get over it and finish the 2nd season of a show i like that he's in and i'll be rid of it hopefully. we'll see
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starting to kind of date someone right before christmas is so stressful fr. do i get him a gift or what we've been on two dates but i'm seeing him tonight n it's christmas eve.....but what if he didn't get me anything then it will be weird.....
#i planned to try to find something small enough that i could easily carry around concealed then take it out if he got something for me#but the thing i got ened up being a bit too big for that lol#im gonna bring a big bag of gifts for all my friends maybe and then it won't be weird idk#by some miracle my mom showed me a bag of emergency gifts for the girlies and i was like cool im taking all of them tonight 😂#which was not what she intended lol#but im gonna do it#if i had time i would have gotten him something different but its good enough#he mentioned a book he hadn't read last night so would have been cool the got him that but its too late its a music hat now#if he even got me anything idk#but he specifically told me he was last minute christmas shopping so idk#i am over analyzing this for sure tho#anyway most unrealistic part of christmas romance movies is they're not anxious wondering whether to gift or not to gift#also im lowkey scared abt new years 😳#not that i wouldn't like to kiss him probably but i already have a hard time looking at him without blushing 😂#so that would make it 10000x worse lmao#also idk if i want to kiss him JUST bc its new years instead of waiting for the right moment to just happen? idk i dont wanna rush things#its not for sure we'll be together at midnight on new years idk what his plans are#but we'll see#anyway things are going well but moving faster than expected 😅#also not 100% sure i'm seeing him tonight and def not tomorrow so that might take the gift pressure off but idk#waiting to hear back abt tonight#😐😐😐#also idk why we waited until we were both on break from work to do stuff bc honestly every time we've met it's been after work hours anyway#however it allows us to stay up later than on work nights which is nice#he didn't leave my house until after 11 last night lol#anyway trying hard not to get swept up in all this while its new but fr im like oh this is what it's supposed to feel like 🥺#never been in love before every relationship i've had was awk and forced was starting to think maybe im just not capable of love#but literally cuddling on the couch watching it's a wonderful life last night i was like hm i'm definitely capable of love actually#not saying im actually there yet but it would be soooo easy to fall for this guy which is p scary actually#esp bc im not sure it would work for other reasons
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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really need to legally change my name at some point but i just really really hate paperwork and struggle to get started on it especially if it has multiple steps
#it's been literal years and like i send like 2 email enquiries but didn’t really get the answer i need and then i gave up lol#it's just bc it doesn't affect my day to day life but also once i change my name i need a new passport asap but i can probably only change#my name by being physically in the Netherlands and then I'd have to wait for the passport to get back home to the UK... and like i only hav#20 holidays a year and am not allowed to work from home really or maybe 2 days a week now so like#also i have to use 3 of the holidays for the time the company closes around Christmas#so yeah ig next year i could take all of my holidays to be in the Netherlands for almost 4 weeks and hope thatll be enoug#but that's all my holidays and i can't take unpaid holidays#maybe another way is possible but i can't find anything bc trans people living abroad needing to change their names is kinda niche ig#also once i change my name i have to change my name on like my bank card and everywhere else and idk how to do that etc bc i won't be a#british person doing it so it will be different#honestly never changing my name is just so tempting#but you know it would be good to be able to be stealth#*sent sorry#i always make this mistake even though i know how to do it correctly
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What you ever thought about doing a soft version of bombeep??
well thought is I've been asked about soft bombeep before actually but I never knew and still don't how to make a good whitty that would fit but whatever, just going with vibes now so ye lets go
slightly darker clothing and such related things bc reasons but also sometimes wearing cat ears and a mask in an effort to look less intimidating to people bc he's just a big softie obviously uwu
#bombeep#soft!bombeep#I guess ha#regular au whitty is just a big softie aswell ofc but soft whitty is even softer yet looks more scary maybe so lol makes sense#making soft whitty edgier looking than usual is a totally valid way to go right lol the cat ears make up for it I think lol#he also got eyeliner and rings and a choker and probably a silver chain aswell he's getting all the drip lol fun stuff#soft bf uh I kept his regular shade of the skin and the hair that I usually use for basic bf bc he just looked too pale to me otherwise ha#rest is mostly the soft colors anyways so ye#gave him some pastel nail polish bc idk I feel like it'd fit bc ye#whitty also got nail polish man they both got nails now they never had that before oh geez#also bf's hair is drawn slightly different idk probably won't affect the regular doodles just tried something different I guess lol#for the softer look I guess it works ha#also idk anything abt the soft mod and the story so just take this as an au of an au if things don't fit tbh I'm just vibin lol#anyways basic pose is basic and doodle kinda lazy but not gonna complain too much so#take it or leave it#fnf au#fnf soft au#fnf shipping#boyfriend#whitty#bf#soft!bf#soft!whitty#or well soft enough I guess lol#I draw what I want#thanks for the suggestion#stay groovy friendo
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When someone asks me what my biggest fear is but I can't say losing people that I've never met so I say the ocean.
#cw vent#tw vent#uughh#:(#me knowing Roswell won't fucking happen#i know we all wish it will but we genuinely have to look at the truth#think about it#there is no loopholes to get me out of my house.#is anyone actually going to go to Roswell?#actually going to buy tickets and fly there?#or drive there?#shit is expensive#trump is now taking over#hes ruining everything#im sorry i just can't keep lying to myself any more#idk anymore#things are changing and maybe in a fee months I'll probably just never speak to anyone here again#i don't know whats going to happen#i don't even know whats going on with me#does it all really matter anymore? did anything matter?
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pretty sure i’ve seen romance movies with scenes like this
#tomgreg#where do i even start with t his horseshit okay here we fucking go.#so tom's first instinct is to go to greg when he's on shaky ground with shiv. the only way he feels safe is to have GREG with him.#who tf would want greg as an attack dog??!?!? lets be fucking real. when he says that i think he means just a dog. just someone loyal.#who loves him and won't dick him around. i think he's pretty tired of it by now.#he wants an alliance with like. ok in this show who would you pick to ally with. i love greg but he's abso useless in terms of skills that#would keep you safe. if anything TOM would keep HIM safe. in fact tom himself says who else has taken care of you. literally spells it out.#he even says greg is a joke; will fail; will fuck up; so what use does he have for tom other than companionship. other than love?#a dog might do tricks for you but your main reason for getting one is usually love. right? at least it should be. it would be in tom's case.#and don't even fucking get me STARTED on ''do you wanna come with me? ...sporus?" like girl.#you know what you told him about nero and sporus right. and now you're saying to him; yeah i was talking about you.#you and me. you're my favourite and i wasn't joking when i said i'd marry you.#the whole while tom is asking greg to be his attack dog his fuckin. eyes and expression we get it you're in love with him. like it's ridic.#and all this coming with phrasing it sounds like they're fucking ELOPING. I HATE IT!!!!!! SHUT UP! stop saying that fucking shit god. god#they are so annoying. anyway#the way tom's voice breaks as he says he has things to do [what things. will i find out later.] and the deal and!!#what am i gonna do with a soul anyways... i have you what do i need it for. and as that paragraph said somewhere. he castrates his soul.#then they giggle and are fucking annoying and greg'S HANDS LOOK LIK EHE'S ABOUT TO IDK. HUG TOM? AROUND THE MIDDLE MAYBE#or do something else. and then they just hug instead and i fucking. ugh. i've had enough tbh good fucking bye
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Had this moment of extreme anger and aggression out of nowhere and ended up hurting myself and then i wrote about it, went out to get some coffee, chatted w the coffee lady for 5 minutes, watched an episode of amphibia and now i feel weirdly refreshed and hopeful about life and the future??
#self harm cw#idk if i consider it sh because i really just slapped my thigh a bunch of times until it bruised a little#like there's no blood nothing serious happened i just wanted to break something#then i found a bunch of scrap paper and i tore it to shreds before i did anything stupid with the scissors on my desk#looking forward to this tattoo appointment so bad. i'm hoping to 1) get something so pretty it will make me happy and calm me down#whenever i look at it 2) to get something to pretty in my left forearm that it will stop me from doing anything to it to not risk ruining it#and 3) hopefully feeling all that pain will like... discharge everything in one go so i won't want to hurt myself again for some time#thinking about all the things that made me feel bad was the only thing that got me through my wisdom tooth removal surgert#like yes... yes... pain and suffering... i deserve... hurt hurt hurt#anyway two gone! only two more to go#in one hand: it's a genuinely helpful way to handle pain and pain is inescapable a lot of the time so having a mental resource to protect me#is pretty cool actually#on the other hand: oh my girlfriend is gonna cry so much when she finds out. i know it's not good or normal or healthy#i really need to talk about it with my therapist. idk why i get so angry. nothing happened#i'm just glad i was alone and there was no one i could take my anger out on. because that someone is usually my girlfriend#and i love her so much i never want to hurt her#i felt so proud of myself when she told me one day she thought i wasn't an angry person at all#that i rarely ever got mad#like... yes... yes... i have succeeded... at making myself appear harmless... this is everything angsty teenage me ever wanted...#personal#when does this therapy thing kick in guys#maybe i just need to tattoo my whole body so i won't do anything to it#for now: toothless tattoo on my arm will protecc it from my crazy brain. hopefully.
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i'm so glad i won't be working with my pi after this month. i think i've reached my limit. i just can't deal with her anymore
#she said 'oh idk if i can make it to your thesis'#SHE IS ON MY THESIS COMMITTEE. SHE'S KNOWN ABOUT THIS FOR A YEARRRRRR#she said she might be on vacation w her bf... instead of going to my fucking thesis defense.#there was a special vote just so she could be on my committee. wdym you have to go on vacation#ALSO i've been asking her to check my calculations for a thing for MONTHS#and she still hasn't. but she made me present on it in front of a bunch of people.#i'd like to note that this calculation is like. the point of my thesis. and she hasn't even bothered to look at it#she forced the interns to work 50 hours last week. they're only being paid for 40.#she hasn't read any part of my thesis... others have but they don't know the details like she does#i told her to read my fucking thesis and she said she had and that it 'looked good'#what does that mean. WHAT does that mean. how do you have no comments. on my thesis. that determines whether i graduate#and then she said i'm ''irresponsible'' bc i went to a concert???#like it didn't affect anything. i showed up to work on time. i completed everything i meant to.#but i guess going to one concert is like. unacceptable.#i'm sooooo sorry i decided to go have fun for one night instead of agonizing about my thesis (that again. she hasn't read)#she asked if i want to give a talk at the new place she got hired at but she now works for fus#which is a incredibly conservative homophobic private catholic university. i've never heard anything positive about it#like they're legally allowed to discriminate against lgbt people... does she know what i fucking look like????#she's so so conservative but she only interacts with other conservative catholics#and doesn't understand how fucking vile her views are. and she wonders why people don't like her#like maybe she should shut the fuck up about how she thinks abortion is a sin at work!!#she once said 'the only time i feel uncomfortable in my skin is when i talk about being a conservative catholic at work'#AND THEN SHE SAID 'it really makes me understand how hijabis feel'#IN FRONT OF MY HIJABI COLLEAGUE. HELLO???? like she is not persecuted for being a conservative catholic#i literally started laughing when she said that. i think i said 'please get real'. and she's still mad#anyway. my colleague decided to no longer work with my pi. idk if it was bc of that comment#she mentioned that once i leave there won't be anyone who understands the data on the project anymore#like yeah. maybe you should've looked at the data. like at all#and not had an unpaid master's student do literally all the work for you
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