#but now i have sense trust issues | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fuckingarataswespeak · 2 years ago

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I keep getting these waves of dizzy nausea ND everything smells like this weird rotting smell that's almost sweet but just makes me more nauseous, and anything with meat or dairy tastes spoiled as well as potato and maybe just all starchy foods

#i got curry chips cause u know whst feeling of nausea where u think of one thing and ur like #this will make everything better #i could practically smell and taste it in my imagination and didnt see it making me sick like the though of other foods did #and the i got them and the potato tasted wrong #spoiled meat #the curry sauce barely tasted of anything #but it still tasted like curry sauce so luckily it masked it #but now i have sense trust issues #like i keeo thinking how could (thing) make me feel gross and then it does and im sad #the nausea and dizzyness is overwhelming #COVID-19

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birthclod · 2 days ago

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thinking about ch0mpkin's evil evbo post (evilbo, if you will) and going "How can I align this with My Interests (the axes)" and the answer is Very easily actually

#thoughts in tags.....#when the cookie crumbles #pciv #pvp civilization #you know. evbo leaving behind everything he knows for his friend and going along with The Plan #constantly telling himself its for the greater good its for the greater good #but the longer he goes on the worse it gets #and both tabi and clown force him to stop diagetically monologuing somehow because otherwise he'll blow their cover #so he just gets quieter and quieter and withdraws more and more #to the point where even tabi is thinking like “damn maybe i Should've killed him in sword civ...” but he's here now #another thing is i think evbo would 100% buy and sneak another video journal machine out and when tabi finds out she Flips Her Lid #clown is less concerned because he wasn't With them so he doesn't know like tabi does that he spends So Much Time On This Shit #not knowing that (like minute said) video journaling is the biggest reason evbo is able to take in so much new info and maintain himself #and if they straight up take it away from him he's going to get Even Worse #i think clown doesn't see it as much of an issue despite tabi's major objections because he'd literally be talking about their plan On Air #and that tape goes somewhere and is Seen by someone (plus if someone else sees their cover is gone cuz video journals are sword only)#but in his eyes that means the only people who will ever see it are the diamond swords in their ivory tower who can't leave anyways #so why worry? if anything it shows them what they're (the axes) doing to their (the swords) little golden boy and they can't stop it #another thing i thought about is that they would definitely hold killing evbo over his head like. Constantly #and evbo's fear of dying isn't the same because he never died to tabi's axe so he doesn't know zam is waiting for him (which is also funny)#so instead it takes a spin of tabi saying “ill kill you and let you respawn in sword civ and you'll stay there with your regrets”#because even if zam Wasn't still waiting for him he kinda ditched the diamond swords so uh... kinda lost your sense of kinship there #a-NOTHER point of interest: guardfriend #since guards can access all civilizations they'd definitely want to take advantage of his connections and relation with evbo #especially since unless evbo spills the beans he most likely wouldn't know the eternal sword was taken and tabi is the one who took it #let alone that she (and clown by extension‚ but to throw off suspicion he doesn't show up around guard) is a natural born axr #so they can defo use what trust those two have to get places easier #but if he ends up getting in the way... [makes a chopping gesture across my throat]#could even do it in Front of evbo as an example of what happens to those who stand between them and their mission #holy shit this is the first time ive ever hit 30 tags. wtf

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xxplastic-cubexx · 12 days ago

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just read the new mutants issue where Charles chose to stay behind in space and my god the juxtaposition between Charles trusting Erik and Erik joining the hellfire club and wondering at his own trust worthiness. I wonder how much of Charles decision was him ultimately trying to avoid the fact that his first class had seemingly betrayed mutant kind and not be willing to face them and how much of it was Dani and Illyana's reaction to him having Karma mind control Illyana. the fact that Illyana was depending on him to ease her mind through limbo and in choosing to stay he forced karma to do it instead, probably fucking up their relationship in the process.

I love him, this is crazy, how much of this is him trying to runaway and how much is this him not trusting himself to fix things and how much is it just him trusting Erik?

i keep trying to put into words my exact thoughts about the sitch but there really is a lot for one issue aintit... oh charles you and your brain...

#snap chats #thats why we have tag rambles AHAHA #ok so to tackle things one at a time charles ultimately deciding to stay in space despite his expressed want to return to earth #obviously it was when lilandra pointed out if her sister took charge of the shi'ar then the universe- earth included- would be in peril #charles notes his position as a losing one: whichever choice he makes he loses #he goes to earth then the universe could be at stake/he stays in space he loses his kids #of course charles COULD just put his faith in the starjammers but is that a risk he wants to take ? evidently not #charles' reoccurring flaw is he's willing to sacrifice personal relationships for the greater perceived good #even lilandra acknowledges this- that charles' homesickness for earth was an inevitability just as she is indebted to protecting the stars #so now his ruptured relationship with illyana and co- esp right after comforting a split illyana last issue #we've seen charles act more coldly/rashly when he's about to lose people (i think of his first death with the og5 mostly)#i mean it's a key part to charles' chara that he doesn't favor mind controlling others and im sure he has the same regard for his students #he's aware of the damage it can do and in this instance- for one reason or another- he orders it to be done regardless #im sure he does this as a form of defense: if his kids are upset with him they won't feel too bad about losing him and it'll be less painfu #obviously we still see sam wish charles farewell and wish for him to come back soon but yk.. worthy attempt..#and it's not as if charles wants them to hate him ENTIRELY.. he's still touched by sam's goodbye no.... fickle man he is..#i dont think charles is totally afraid to confront the og5- its what made him want to return to earth with the nms initially #tho again.. could his decision to stay in the stars be influenced by that? that maybe he ISNT prepared to confront them like he thought?#who's to say... not me i dont got that psych degree yet..#erik being charles' trusted confidant definitely made his decision easier on top of that: i mean is he needed if he has a substitute #i think charles DOES wholly trust erik: charles really doesnt approach his x-men half heartedly. from his pov ofc #if he didn't genuinely believe in erik's potential he wouldn't have picked him; hes a comforting thought when charles decides to depart #'although i'm gone erik understands me and my goals enough to continue my work as good as i would have so i have nothing to worry about'#which. yk. makes the whole White King thing kinda awkward VJAELVJEAKL charles you fool #i have no idea how this saga ends though... tbh im only on ish 45 of NM i just read 50 and 51 to get context for this ask #so i can only wait and see how this saga turns out... once i finish reading house of m/secret invasion stuff jvLKEJKA #idk im tired and rambling dont pay attention to me.. ramblin bout charles' brain is a good day for me regardless if i make sense jVLAJ

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kaidanalenkosprmanager · 2 months ago

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Sophie Shepard & Kaidan Alenko (ME1) 1/?

MIRA'S MORE CANON ME1 "After everything that happened with Zaeed, Caleston, and the Villa? I think need to tell you a few things about BAaT." "Well, after everything that happened with Zaeed, Caleston, and the Villa? I think I might owe you an explanation about how I really know Anderson." AKA: Zaeed Massani and the case of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad message ping. :) Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)

#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard #kaidan alenko #shenko #mass effect #mass effect legendary edition #me #dailygaming #morecanonmasseffect #otp: you’re real enough for me #hi my name is mira and i like taking the most convoluted route to make gifs of my blorbos :)#the devil on my shoulder told me to do an LE1 mesh swap and i should not have listened lmao but IT TURNED OUT CUTE SO IT WAS WORTH IT :)#alright if we’re nailing down canon all of this happens at the villa technically?? so not even on the normandy lmao but we don’t have that #so this is as close as i could get it. and soph pulling up kaidan felt more canon to me in the ✨context✨#so we MESH SWAPPED BABY and now i have the power of kaidan alenko as shep to make AU gifs #LE1 mesh swaps might hurt my soul but eden prime calls my name :)#all of this happens at soph’s favorite spot overlooking the villa which is where they have the baat/anderson conversations :)#the most canon thing from this is the interruption of the kiss which isn’t joker in soph’s canon it’s zaeed lmao #he bypasses the mute on her omni-tool to bug her about coming to grab his shit from the normandy he didn’t grab earlier in the day #the eye roll in that one gif? she is internalizing her rage #her inner thoughts are literally something along the lines of #‘zaeed massani i am literally going to fucking kill you and strip your viper for parts’ in canon lol #i said fuck it to me1 canon and decided they get together early. caleston is the first mission. it just makes sense for them honestly #i could go on a 30 rant tag about just that but i think it’s just like a *when you know* and a trust thing #especially for soph who has issues trusting people and there’s always been a feeling in the back of her head of knowing she can trust him #and in soph!canon i think it goes the same in reverse for kaidan because i think there’s sort of a ‘lone biotic’ stigma around him #and i think they were both drawn to each other because it was easy to see *someone* to trust under the lone biotic and the sole survivor #‘someone’ i use that word a lot in canon :) but i think they’re both trusting of each other early on because they see foils in one another #and i think they both feel on the outside a bit in a way. kindred spirits. which is probably why they fall hard fast :)#i probably ranted too much like i always do because i treat the tags like a TEDtalk but have a good day as always friend! 💙

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gabbingwaves · 8 months ago

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GRANDMA HUA???

You're out picking flowers and Grandma casually drops that she used to be part of that incredibly cursed cult village your most incessant stalker drew a whole entire picture book about and uses as a light moral bedtime story.

THIS LADY RIGHT HERE. Conversation under the cut.

Grandma Hua: Better than the past when you had to trade something just to get a bite to eat...

Rover: Exchange?

Grandma Hua: Hmm...When I was younger, in another village, they had the habit of exchange.

Grandma Hua: Exchange...What exactly are we exchanging...?

Grandma Hua: I can't remember...Every time I think of the word "exchange", I get the heebie-jeebies...

#wuthering waves #VERY DISTURBING GRANDMA HUA. THANK YOU.#YES YOU HAVE A NICE DAY TOO #yooo qichi village lore just dropped #and by 'just dropped' I mean it's been here forever but I just found it so #I didn't notice this when I first ran into her but it literally calls her “Qichi Villager”#think that was an accident?#she lives in Taoyuan Vale now! Game!#anyway so we seem to get a little more about what it was like to actually live there #sounds uh....pretty awful! unsurprisingly!#first thought: capitalism on steroids #also like...a cannibal village but without the cannibalism. if that makes sense.#she also talks about how nice it is to be able to do everything for yourself (implied: and not have to rely on anyone)#so. major trust issues. which doesn't sound surprising from what we know about the place.#a backstabbing paranoid and hyper-individualistic culture it sounds like #the WORST combo #and it was bad enough knowing what we knew but if they were having to use those 'wishes' on something like food just to be able to eat...#dang #her flip into present tense at the end there is 100% a translation error but that's also a PTSD symptom SOOO #'what ARE we exchanging...?'#she'll never fully be out of that place ):

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marsbotz · 7 days ago

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i ship inhun in a way that differwnt and more swagful than anyone else btw.

#TBFHHHHH i know i know i knowwww i say a lot. but i dont even ship in in the traditional sense #i dont think it will b canon and i dont rlly WANT it to b canon. its just insane like ZAMNNNNN why r u looking at each other like thatatttt #i dont think that if (IF) inho reveals his identity gihun is gonna magically b like Oh my god… okay well i like u now. more the opposite #and i dont think inho genuinely likes gihun all that much. i think hes obsessed w him in a way that borders on it but. u know #to inho gihun mostly just represents the parts of himself hes locked away. hes like the person inho used to be or cld have been #i think he DOES want whats best for gihun but like. just in his own opinion #to him whats best is to just.. pretend these issues dont exist and move on.#i think being wrapped up in the games is sickening no mattter what side ur on and he knows this. and just wants gihun to forget #i also do think he sees Something special in gihun. but its not like Ahhhh come and rule by my side 😈 LOL #yeah like i said. the recognition of the self. DONT GO DOWN THIS PATH MAN FUCK OFFFFFF #um. also yeah gihun i dont think wld have such a thrn around to like date himmmm oh my god lol #i think its likely hell end up Not killing inho for various reasons and possibly even leaving room for redemption #but yeah i dont think he wld ever trust him even. i dont think he wld let all that slide 😭😭😭#gihun x youngil is bantssss. but not real at all sadly #rhe best fic i read of them was a pre series fic where inho wasnt the front man yet. and he met gihun by chance #and kinda used him to convince himself that what he was doing was right. For The Greater Good etc #i cant remember what it was called but it was sooo good i need to find it sometime #sniff….. living in a sad world where every body mischaracterises them sooooo bad and evil.#THE BEST INHUN CONTENT was the animation of them over the megamind breakup scene. MY GOD #ill be honest. igaf abt their dynamic soooo hard but htemain reaosn i ‘ship’ them is bc theyre both INSANELY FINE. AND I NEED THEM BADLY #and. im obsessed w them separately. so of course they are making out sloppy style in my mind #ill b honest as well i dont think gihun is in the right state of mind for aany of That AT ALLLL rn either.#and as well w inho not being intersted in that way. and also he shot his brother bc it was aconflict of interests. btw.#whatever tho lol the memes and shit r funny as fuckkkkk so idc. keep fucking #anyways sangihun 🔛🔝 for fucking everrrrrer in terms of an actual ship #tho i dont think they wld ever be canon either. well i mean. for obvious reasons #but also bc i dont PERSONALLY think sangwoo wld ever allow himself that. BYE #idk idk idk maybe i am wrong and i know nothing.#SORRY. ik i am fighting invsisible demons again i just saw a post abt Sickos who know Nothing abt the Themes…. NO GUYS.. PROMMY THATS NOT ME

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moe-broey · 14 days ago

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Wwhy did I get hit w the infinite nightmare loop last night. Triandra girl are you mad at me 😢😥

#this is a joke but like. now i'm wondering about the logistics actually. bc if you're me #you would be inclined to ask mani what the fuck is your problem!!!!!!!!!#i have this really not at all baked like it's still cookie dough hc. that triandra/plumeria CAN'T #be the sole deliverers of nightmares like. idk maybe it's a chicken or the egg type thing #where peony says (castle dialogue) that the dream realm only exists BECAUSE people dream #and we know (? i think?) that time flows differently in there. so. with enough bullshit Maybe.#but tbh. like?? maybe it was just freyr and freyja who made it possible for dreams to occur? chicken or egg style again.#and the fairies were given more direct roles. in actually delivering dreams. but aren't solely responsible for Every Single One.#it's a mindfuck as usual but my main point is i think mani Doesn't have any unique agency/power or control.#it has enough power as you would when lucid dreaming. maybe. to varying degrees depending on the circumstances #it can pull from moe's subconscious/memories/feelings but it can't really like. well!#now i get stuck again bc that is comfirmed how triandra and plumeria do their thing! they pull from what's already in there #and ofc my ass wants to add more nuance. wants to add that plum/tri are unreliable narrators about it #bc both are traumatized and emotionally stunted. also inclined to trust whatever freyja says is true #and i think she's an unreliable narrator as well. both intentional/unintentionally due to her own issues.#and i also want to add in the nuance of like. how ocd works essentially. ESP in regards to plumeria #where sometimes what's 'there' is more reflective of an obsessive compulsive fear/disgust response #vs a person's 'desires'. and plum being so traumatized and sheltered herself would NOT know the difference.#STRAYING. but my point is! i FEEL like. mani has to work in a fundamentally different way than tri/plum #on account of like. not being alfar. and being something psychologically Odd about moe specifically.#then again a lot of my book 4 lore is 'it just works.' LMFAOO 😅 i WANT it to make sense.#but to be so real. the logostics behind it. are very it just works. bc it has to.#moe lore

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valentinebisexual · 2 months ago

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they should invent a me that doesnt hurtttt

#i wanna take a hot bath but my aunt just put a shit ton of biofreeze on my back and that will hurt like hell #if i lay down in the bath. and i only rly wanna soak my legs anyway bc they hurt soooo bad today but sitting up w my back out of the water #will hurt my hips. also im having balance issues today + i dont trust myself not to get super lightheaded n need help if i took a bath #also im on the clock LMAO not that literally anything has happened my whole shift. not even a phone call #ive been sitting here watching mindless baking shows bc no brain spoons or body spoons #so thank god for a shift where jackshit happens but i want!!! to read a book but i canf bc my brain is too fucked rn #<- from doing too much physical activity i might add. which is dumb as HELL #like wdym i walked around the grocery store instead of using one of those little driving carts #and now my brain doesnt fucking work? make it make sense #okay anyway ranting time over. wait also i have to do laundry and will have to change my clothes+pillowcase at least from laying on them #w so much biofreeze on. and ive needed to do laundry all week GRRRR someone shld destroy the concept of laundry i hate clothes #anyway i hope u have all enjoyed my complaints list i hope god sees it and magically like gives me a basket of clean folded laundry while #i sleep tonight or like makes the chronic pain less chronic and less painful. one can hope

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loumauve · 5 months ago

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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.

(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)

#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it #there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again #but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned #so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot #anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account #or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one #or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun #just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake #oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess #god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit #and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave #and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so #which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh #but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose #that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10 #and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in #we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of #next week we'll likely be 4 #depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel #sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere #but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg #a day in the life of..

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theautistichalflinghole · 1 year ago

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Listen, am I happy that you now get to rule the world with your SO and be evil together? Of course, evil couple takeover for astarion and minthy romancers, especially when they egged you on to do so, makes much more sense. However do I miss the tragedy of a characters who thought they were finally free and powerful being ultimately betrayed by the one they loved? Having thier love become corrupted and warped into something cruel as thier lover perpetuates thier own cycle of violence and abuse? Yes absolutely

Also yes I know this change is old but I've been busy ok

#i had a whole storyline man 😔#with an animatic song and everything 😔#i mean ill still probably make the thing but I have to adjust the in game storyline for that character #idk i wish it was a choice to enthrall your partner or not but also i genuinely do think this is a better option #makes more sense and doesnt break up the cutscene #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #it was gonna be an evil dark urge who romanced ascended astarion and they both loved each other once but its become so corrupted #astarion after ascension and durge after siding with thier father in the temple #also they both had trust issues and were victims that continued the cycle <3<3<3<3<3<3<3 #but yeah now im rewriting her to still be evil but prob minthy mancer?#i could stay with ascended but he doesnt see his love interest as an equal #and thats not as fun when i get to do it the other way and betray him right back #also the song is kiss me son of god and i am obsessed with it so i still will most definitely be making the animatic with the enthralling

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zorosdimples · 9 months ago

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finally watching the hidden inventory episodes solidified the fact that i love toji and i will unfortunately never be a stsg lover

#now i’m so excited to finish bc yuuuuujiiiiiiiiiiiii my babyyyyyyyyyyyy #i mean it’s gonna be rough but i’ll watch it for him and him alone #the last ep definitely gave me more empathy for geto but it’s just… sigh. i can see why people love him #but to me he’s the kind of person i’d never be able to fully trust. he holds too much back. the theatrics replaced earnestness.#and even when he was earnest there was a clear sense of self-importance and superiority #the stsg relationship is tragic but also it emphasizes how self-absorbed gojo was #i’m not saying he was a bad guy but he saw signs and didn’t dig any deeper. ofc geto could’ve said something and didn’t but #that’s often the case for people in crisis.#and it’s a systemic issue esp. in the jujutsu world #there’s a distinct lack of empathy #sorcerers protect common people because they’re superior and regular people are inferior #but there’s also a pervasive sense of hopelessness bc you know that everyone around you will likely die a gruesome and premature death #so it makes sense why geto defected and why gojo acted the way he did #what do you do when you’re stuck in a tragic system?#they’re both sides of the coin #anyway. sorry for my nonsensical ramblings.#i know people have already said stuff along these lines it’s just inchresting to watch it all animated.#ALSO i think it’s so weird that toji gets clowned for being ‘obsessed’ and having ‘beef’ with teens like #a. he was doing his job and knew he would have to take gojo and geto out to accomplish it #and b. his issue is with what they represent—jujutsu society as a whole. the haves and have nots.#his goal was to uproot the jujutsu world. and while he didn’t accomplish the goal in his lifetime he certainly rocked the boat #and incited future events

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zipquips · 9 months ago

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petition for my parents to stop thinking i'm unprepared and being stupid with the idea of getting a pet

#i'm moving into a pet friendly apartment and i keep telling my parents i'm going to wait a year and see if i feel ready/like i have time for #a pet #and everyone's always going “but the money!” “but you don't know how much time you'll have!”#and i always have to remind them that i said i was waiting a year to think about this shit #and now my stepmom was telling me i can't have pets because my lease says no pets in the apartment #and i said i could i'd just have to tell them #and she kept going no and telling me a lease is legally binding as if i didn't know that when i fucking signed the thing #i'd just have to tell my apartment complex about the pet and sign a new lease when i renew it after a year #and i get it that my parents just want to help me and make sure i'm doing okay on my own #but i'm not incompetent and they're always treating me as if i can't be trusted to do the bare minimum #and i've been moved out/living on my own for 5 fucking years now #i clearly have some sense if i've made it this long without issue #sorry this is such a long rant i'm so frustrated #zip quips

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icharchivist · 10 months ago

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I'd let Tseng kidnap me

Probably

Just. In general

PROBABLY.

to be fair when he faced Aerith (in what /i/ know is him kidnapping her), this happens:

so the implication, which perfectly makes sense, is that Aerith is going to let him kidnap her in exchange of dropping Marlene at her mom's house to keep her safe.

And he's likely ready to do that.

so like. my point is. Aerith too bro o7

#like imo it makes sense Aerith would barging and it makes sense Tseng agrees too #the only issue i have for now is that normally when Tseng goes to show he kidnapped Aerith he brutalizes her a bit in the OG #but then the compilation did show that Tseng is somewhat affectionate of Aerith and wouldn't hurt her without reasons #so i assumed then -- that on the plane he was especially rough to show his dedication to Shinra #but also tbh Aerith fights to get to tell Tifa Marlene is safe #so i guess the scene itself can still happen even if it's because they made a deal....#anyway! i'll see then!#point is. yeah Aerith too that's how much she trusts him. if that's anything?#ichareply #anonymous #ichafantalks ffvii #ichablogging ffviirg

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cinnabeat · 4 months ago

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its interesting bc natori is trying to protect natsume the only way he knows how and natsume is being confronted with things hes never had to before and hes learning a lot of things abt himself and his worldview

#i think before the fugiwaras natsume probably wouldnt have been so stubborn abt it?#but at the same time #before the fugiwaras he wouldnt have come to involve himself so deeply with youkai #so hes being confronted with natori and his worldview and going i dont agree with this at all #and its porbbaly a little (a lot) jarring to find someone so similar to you and yet not similar at all #and natori really isnt trying to be mean i think #hes being firm bc he wants natsume to understand bc he really wants to keep him safe #but natori has his own issues to work through and while i dont blame him for how he views youkai and stuff #its a little hard to agree with him when we've seen the full breadth of youkai interactions through natsume #natori telling natsume he needs to choose a side is like. so cruel lmao #unintentionally so i think but its cruel all the same to me. bc natsume said before i think when he first met natori?#that he can see youkai. he can see and he can hear and he cant ignore them because of that #theyre the same level as humans to natsume. bc like hes right u know? theyre not all bad. theyre just different #but he can interact with both and its a disservice to ignore one side for the other #bc each 'side' affects each other you know?#idk what the fuck im talking abt it makes sense to me just trust #i truly dont know where i was going with this #like natsume lived very closed off before. and hes finally learning to like. LIVE you know? to experience the whole workd that is offered to #him. to meet new people and have new experiences and stuff #and hes letting himself do that bc he CAN now. and saying to pick a side human vs youkai is like asking him to close himself off again #and natsume wouldnt like the person he would become bc hed go back to the miserable and closed off kid he used to be #natsume is much more polite than me tho i wouldve told natori to shut the fuck up and go fall in a ditch or something #natsume just ran away #michi tag #im sure he was thinking it somewhere deep deep deep inside

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kavehayati · 5 months ago

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Lord give me energy today eueueue

#dora daily #sm things piling up but my brain says NO #I can’t even do basic things 😭#it’s genuinely so hard to talk to others #aaaaaaah #the reason is bc I’ve forced myself into contentment with the prospect of being alone cause there’s just so much I can do that would bring #me joy in solitude but #that’s what I’ve always been doing part of the reason I talk a lot is bc that’s how I am in my head #like things firing at 100miles per second bc that’s how I used to keep myself entertained when I was younger #when everyone would have buddies and I wouldn’t #and it works now bc everyone takes ten business days to reply that it’s completely made me genuinely grossed out of social interaction #but I can’t live in La La land forever #pls if only kaveh existed I wouldn’t need another means of socialisation eueeuue #everyone is so impossible to understand; coming from a girl who has always been called utterly INSANE for how hard she hyper focuses on #small cues and signals and detecting discomfort and whatnot. I turn my brain off for one second and yet again the same shit happens it’s so #unfair that everyone can be relaxed and I ought to be on high alert 24/7 #I also find it hilarious and pathetic when people pretend to be people smart but they’re really not … it’s genuinely embarrassing #like bitch when you get to my level then we will talk istg …#Istg if this is the autism thing everyone’s been telling me im screwed cause #I don’t want yet another issue #but it’d make sense like how people seem to draw away despite there being nothing wrong with me #how people tend to agree with everything someone else says but the moment I do it it’s heinous #how I have physically had to learn social cues and trial and error #with the errors altering my brain chemistry #that unwavering sense of justice that makes me so very uncomfortable if not fulfilled that I shut up about so I can actually hold down #friends. God knows how every interaction I have with a person is so orchestrated so almost artificial and ‘yes-man’ core that I don’t even #believe said person likes ME bc idek who I am and bc if I don’t agree w #everything no matter how many times someone says I won’t get mad …. trust me they do they’re all liars and manipulators even if they don’t #intend to #the scary fascinations I’ve had when younger

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gentlethorns · 9 months ago

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okay but i'm still in awe of this process. like it has been so consistent and easy. there are still days i don't feel like getting my words in but i've continued to soldier on and hit my mark day after day (except for yesterday but that wasn't just laziness or a lack of discipline, i wasn't physically feeling up to it). and i have 60k words to show for it in under a month!!!! like that is so insane to me and i'm so excited, not only about the immediate payoff (having almost a complete draft) but also about the idea that i've unlocked the secret to doing this again in the future, as many times as ideas that grace me. like this is so so huge for me and the idea that something so big can come about through small habits every day (prioritizing those 2k words no matter what) is not lost on me. so proud of myself for developing that discipline bc like i've said, i always knew and feared that i wouldn't get anywhere worthwhile without it

#she bork #novel 2024 #idk when i think about in the big picture i'm like !!!! i've almost finished a novel-length draft!!!!!! and it's good work bc it's #structurally sound and INTENTIONAL. everything plotwise makes sense and falls into place and that has always been my biggest obstacle i #feel. so i think i could really do something w this. big possibilities are my specialty and this project abounds w them. like if i can sell #it??? in theory it could CHANGE MY LIFE. i couldn't quit my job off it or anything but it could bring me some significant income if i can #truly polish it enough. AGGGGHHH it's so hard to be patient and trust in the day-to-day work but i'm learning and working on it bc there #truly is no other way to succeed w this #furthermore i think this project has renewed my faith in having a writing career. bc again i always knew i'd never get anywhere without #discipline and i always thought discipline to put the words down every day was my issue but it turns out that PLOTTING (specifically #subplotting) was my issue. it wasn't that i was being lazy it was that i was getting stuck and had nowhere to go so i would just lose steam #and the project would die. but now that ik how to plot and i've recognized how huge subplots are i feel like the discipline comes naturally #and that is so so so big for me. so now i can actually see a path to fulfill my ambitions and i'm not as scared of the dream dying and me #getting stuck working stupid bullshit jobs for the rest of my life. it just feels so so good to have a renewed drive for writing like i'm so #excited

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