#now i can continue writing my screaming crying putting each other through 10 negative emotions at once fic. bye

[pathological-runaway]

Alef can still recall the quiet evenings in Isle, the sun going down over the endless ocean and the streets below emptying slowly, colourful tents filling with laughter and lively chatting as the residents joined their friends and families for dinner. They remember melancholy in the air and fragments of ancient songs wafted by the gentle wind all the way to the Temple, replaced with bittersweet silence once they came to an end.

you can read the fic here or below the cut

Alef can still recall the quiet evenings in Isle, the sun going down over the endless ocean and the streets below emptying slowly, colourful tents filling with laughter and lively chatting as the residents joined their friends and families for dinner. A few birds chirped in the distance, getting ready to go to sleep, too. Alef remembers the small flowers that used to grow near the Temple closing up for the night and the ground getting cooler as the rays of the tired sun grew weaker and weaker, stepping aside for the darkness of the night to take its turn reigning over the grassy slopes.

Alef can recall looking down from the top of the hill at the village, their hair and cape dancing shyly in the summer breeze. They remember melancholy in the air and fragments of ancient songs wafted by the gentle wind all the way to the Temple, replaced with bittersweet silence once they came to an end. They recollect the way their chest would tighten sometimes when, standing or sitting there on the grass, they asked themself why, or how, or what.

Alef remembers a voice or a hand on their shoulder that would always make them jump in surprise, a kind smile or a worried frown. The very same “How are you doing?” day after day after day that somehow never failed to catch them off guard, followed by an answer from their part that was a lot too short to be truth yet too simple to really count as a lie. Alef recalls standing by the Elder’s side as they contemplated their realm or watching from afar as they fed the birds and hoping that maybe, just maybe, it will all work out in the end.

They cannot, try as they might, remember the Elder’s eyes — the only thing about those quiet evenings that their mind has blotted out over time. But little does it matter now that there are no more sunsets in Isle, no more colourful tents. Now that the voice or the hand on their shoulder is but part of a memory as distant as a dream that perhaps never happened at all, Alef’s vivid imagination inventing a story too good to have ever been true.

They still have a vague recollection of turning around or walking up to Daleth and asking them to tell them something — anything — and listening to them until the last sunbeams faded, gasping at unexpected turns in the stories and laughing at the Elder’s jokes, picturing in their mind the younger versions of people they could barely believe had once been young. And it was easier, in a way, to go to bed thinking about what used to be instead of what was yet to come — instead of what they were supposed to bring about.

Alef remembers thinking everything was difficult back then, remembers hoping that it would get easier. Alef knows now that they were a foolish child, believing such rubbish, and, when the castle is empty and the sun has set below the horizon, wishes in secret to get to see a quiet evening in Isle once again.

[eeemarvel]

In Hero Reform (and in one of your lovely replies to me), it's mentioned that Viktor wore a very revealing hero costume as a teen, which Yakov and Lilia allowed him to do once he threw a tantrum, because they wanted him to feel better .

In your very kind (and funny!) reply to the horror movie ask, it's mentioned that it didn't even occur to Lilia that Yuri P could find the horror movie scary.

What do you think of Yakov and Lilia's parenting style?

(No need to answer if you don't want to/don't feel like it, ofc!😊)

😂😂😂😂😂

This is fantastic. So, I have absolutely no idea why I made Yakov, Lilia AND Celestino Victor and YP's parents. It was just an unexplainable knee jerk reaction when I was first writing this and it's admittedly a bit silly but idc. Also, as time went on, it just made more sense in my mind for their characters. It was just easier for three out of depth, overworked adults to raise 2 kids than it was for one to do it by themselves.

Yakov was not always the parental figure that he is now, someone who is firm, but mostly fair, loving, and very protective. He originally tried to raise Victor and Yuri P. the way he taught heroes: with a firm fist and no mercy. He was far too emotionally distant for a father, unwilling to accept when the boys made mistakes, and valued discipline over everything else. But, of course, Victor and Yuri did not respond too well to being held under a thumb, headstrong as they are. Many many tantrums (Yuri's), fights, and slammed doors helped Yakov to learn that he needed to take a slightly more gentle approach.

Old Yakov: This is the second time this week that I've caught you sneaking out. That means you will spend two months in this room and you've got dish duty until I say so.

Lil' Victor: But—

Old Yakov: This isn't a discussion.

Lil' Victor at nobody because Yakov has left: YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!

After the terror that is Yuri P. entered their lives, Yakov quickly learned that some changes needed to be made...

New Yakov: Now, why am I watching you climb through a bedroom window right now, Yura?

Slightly smaller Yuri: .... the front door was locked.

New Yakov: Naturally. And what were you doing at this hour?

SS Yuri: Nothing... I just wanted to see Mila.

New Yakov: Unless Mila is a vampire, I'm positive she'll be more than happy to see you during the day, and if not, she's welcome to have dinner with us anytime.

SS Yuri: ...Really??

New Yakov: Certainly. That is of course after your punishment has lifted which will be two months from now. You're taking Victor's dish duty starting tomorrow. We'll continue this discussion in the morning. Good night.

SS Yuri: But—

Lilia is quite similar to Yakov when it comes to parenting but her thing is that she has a very skewed perspective about what she finds to be upsetting or triggering. So, while Yakov was unfazed by tears, Lilia was positively baffled.

Old Lilia: There will be no dessert until all of your toys have been properly put away, and that's final.

Teeniest Yuri: ｡･ﾟヾ(✦థ ｪ థ)ﾉ｡ﾟ･｡

Old Lilia: W-w-what? What's happened?? Are you hurt? Why are you crying?????

Teeniest Yuri: ｡･ﾟヾ(✦థ ｪ థ)ﾉ｡ﾟ･｡*intensifies*

Old Lilia: What did I say??? Celestino, what did I say??

Celestino, who is somehow more "normal" than Yakov and Lilia really helps out in situations like this so that Lilia can learn and adjust:

Lilia 2.0: Your dessert is waiting for you, Yura. We'll eat together when you've finished putting all of your toys away.

Teeniest Yuri who knows he's not gonna starve: °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

For Celestino, trying to parent with Yakov and Lilia is like Chris Pratt trying to subdue those dinos. Yakov is very militaristic, disciplined, and emotionally distant by nature. Lilia is the same, possibly more so as she was trained at the Guild of Champions. They're both not great at dealing with emotions: Yakov doesn't pick up on when people have them and Lilia doesn't realize that pain, death, mortal danger, and significant life events aren't the only reasons why someone may feel strong emotions. When Yakov does realize that someone is having BIG feelings, he sometimes just... ignores them/doesn't acknowledge them at all... something that he still struggles with but is better at now than before.

But Celestino is just a guy who has great abilities and trained those abilities at the Grand Prix like most heroes. He understands people. He understands when someone is hurt or when there is more to their feelings than what they express through words. So, like a normal compassionate/empathetic person. Celestino started at 0 (maybe 3 or 4) when he became a parent while Yakov and Lilia started at negative 10.

Celestino: Oooh, all dressed up? Where are you guys going?

Lilia: I'm taking the kids to see Naomi.

Celestino: ... giant mutant lizard owner Naomi or pastry chef Naomi?

Lilia: The former.

Celestino: Ok, perhaps don't????

Lilia, huffing agitatedly: Fine. But it's the pastry chef that has the license to kill.

It was also Celestino that reluctantly took Victor's side when he threw a tantrum over his super suit. Lilia and Yakov's argument was that a hero suit was a uniform, a mark of power and trustworthiness that should stand out in a crowd. And not stand out like that as a teenager in the fishbowl that is the world of super heroes. Celestino agrees with this but.... there are exceptions.

Celestino reasoned that a lot of Victor's choices were taken away from him as a kid and that he didn't have the chance to explore and grow the way normal kids did. Victor experienced a lot of trauma and he wanted to take control of his life again. He wanted to feel happy, confident, and strong again. If that meant Victor had to wear a slightly risque super suit... then so be it??? It wasn't too bad after all. And Victor was a good kid, a hero, and his taste in fashion changed like the wind. He'd want a new super suit by the end of the winter anyway. Teen Victor rarely threw huge tantrums. He may have shouted back out of anger, whined a bit, or tried to plead with puppy dog eyes, but he rarely ever went off on a screaming, tearful tirade. That was Yuri P.'s thing. So when Victor snapped, Celestino knew that this was a big deal to him.

Somehow the three manage to balance each other out. And the boys know that they are well loved even if 2/3 of their parents have a funny way of showing it.

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 1x05 Chapter Five

Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments)

Stray thoughts

1) Well, this is not a healthy mother/daughter relationship…

NARRATOR: As we all know by now, when Jane Gloriana Villanueva came into this world, her father was already out of the picture. And though she sometimes fantasized about who her father was and what having two parents would be like, Jane and her mom had a typical mother-daughter relationship. With the role of the mother played by Jane.

It makes sense to have the roles reversed when you are older, but not when you’re a little kid. That’s messed up. It wasn’t Jane’s fault that her mom was still a kid when she had her. She should’ve still got to be a kid.

2) This won’t be Rogelio, though. It would have never been Rogelio.

NARRATOR: It was times like these when young Jane wished especially hard for a father. Someone responsible and wise, someone who would take care of things so she wouldn't have to.

3) Okay, I was wrong. Jane is super pissed. She’s moving out! She’s barely speaking to her mom. However, it might be a good thing for her to move in with Michael ahead of the wedding. Maybe this will be the final nail on the coffin of this doomed relationship? One can only hope…

4) Oh, you naïve, self-absorbed, Rogelio…

Shooting? No, this is not make-believe, Roxanna. This is real life. My daughter is coming. So I must prepare to step into the role of… father.

He claims is not “make-believe” but he takes the role of father as, well, a part he needs to play. But there’s no script and there’s no pre-established happy ending when it comes to parenting. I’m guessing he’ll figure this out soon enough.

5) What is Michael hiding from Jane? Apart from the fact that he has no personality and is boring as fuck?

6) Okay, both Rafael and Jane have the same opinion about what constitutes a “mistake.” That’s cool.

7) New favorite character.

8) I’m guessing Billy is not dating Jane’s best friend because he likes her…

9) JUST GET TOGETHER WITH RAFAEL AND RAISE THE BABY WITH HIM! It’s not that complicated, is it?

10) Well, at least one of their concerns is similar…

JANE: I just want it to go well.

ROGELIO: I just really want it to look good, Michelle.

JANE: What do you think we'll talk about?

ROGELIO: What shoes should I wear?

MICHAEL: He's gonna love you.

ROGELIO: She's gonna love me, right?

The most important one. I really like how the show portrays Rogelio. He is a bit of the comic relief, most of the times, with his bigger-than-the-sun ego and star quality. But they never fail to show that he also has a big heart, even if he might not be good at showing it all the time.

11) OMG the spotlight! The stairs that go on forever! The trademark telenovela actor Smile! The audience, forced to clap on cue!

He’s just… too much.

12) Oh, stupid Captain Cardboard…

I think you won’t be having the last laugh…

Seriously, though, how can he be so thick as to not realize that Rafael and Petra splitting up could actually have a negative impact on his and Jane’s relationship? Did he forget that Jane was fantasizing about Rafael like two weeks ago? And now, the man who she was fantasizing about and whose baby she’s carrying is conveniently single…

13) Jane is moving in with Rogelio?!!!

14) Oh, wow, that was Xiomara’s fantasy. 

15) He was nervous, that means he does care.

16) Credit where credit’s due, though. Michael does understand how important Jane’s relationship with her mom is to her. He mentioned how she shouldn’t get married without her mom because she will regret it, and he understands her need to talk about her first encounter with her dad with her mom. So, there’s that.

17) I JUST FUCKING DIED!

bUT WHY DID MICHAEL HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DELIVER THAT LINE?! UGH!!

This is Piz talking about the Hellmouth all over again.

18) “After what happened, you said you would always take care of me.” What happened to you, Magda? I’m dying to know! It’d better be juicy!

19) Wow, the conversation between Xiomara and Jane is a great scene, even if it’s not a big argument with a lot of screaming and crying. The emotions are still there because you can clearly understand where each of them is coming from. Jane feels robbed of part of her identity, and Xiomara’s fears are valid, even if not completely justified. Ultimately, however, I must take Jane’s side. Having her father as part of her life should have always been Jane’s choice, not her mother’s, and especially not if it was based on a lie.

20) I’m Rafael, so hard.

21) I guess this was her other weapon…

Sex and emotional manipulation…

So, she was pregnant, once. She had a miscarriage, and then he got cancer.

22) Hm, was this really it? It doesn’t seem like a thing you’d really go to extreme lengths to keep hidden…

MICHAEL: We used to do stupid things.

JANE: What kind of stupid things?

MICHAEL: Mostly stealing cars and selling the parts.

JANE: Oh, so, like, illegal stupid things.

MICHAEL: Yeah. We worked out of this old garage. The cops found it. He was only 16, no record. I already was in trouble. Billy took the blame.

JANE: What?!

MICHAEL: I tried to come forward, but our-our lawyer said that if I did, he'd still be in jail for lying.

JANE: Oh, my God.

MICHAEL: Yeah. After that, I-I I turned my life around. He went the other way. And I've been bailing him out ever since.

I still think there must be something shadier about him. Or are his secrets as boring as him?

23) In spite of her crappy decision, Xiomara is a good mom. Even though she feels threatened, she still offers Rogelio some good advice, and she understands that it’s her own fault that she and Jane have fallen out. Rogelio is also genuinely nice, he knows that Xiomara could and would help him out – even if she is the reason he hadn’t met his daughter until now. And he seems to be honest when he claims he never meant to cause a wedge between mother and daughter by coming forward as Jane’s father.

24) So, that didn’t go too well…

ROGELIO: You have to understand that she was not wrong.

JANE: Excuse me?

ROGELIO: When I was 17, I was an idiot kicked out of school, smoking weed. She wanted to protect you.

JANE: Look. I think it's really nice that you want to defend her, but I don't want to talk about it, okay? Right, that's between me and my mom.

ROGELIO: Jane, well, she was terrible, but she was scared.

JANE: Rogelio, come on.

ROGELIO: I just want you to see her side.

JANE: I know her side.

ROGELIO: She was crying, Jane.

JANE: And you don't think that I've cried? But you wouldn't know that because you don't know anything about me, not even my middle name. And that's because of her. And I guess for you, it is easy to forgive that because you've only know about me for 16 months. But I have thought about you every single day for the past 23 years. You know what? I'm-I'm sorry, I can't do this. Rogelio, you seem like a nice enough man, but we haven't been a part of each other's lives until now, and we've been fine, so let's not force it.

Rogelio was well-intentioned, but that doesn’t mean that he had any right to speak on Xiomara’s behalf. The right to dispense fatherly advice is something you have to earn. You don’t get to do that just because you’re, biologically speaking, the father. It takes time and a lot of bonding and trust building.

I think I would’ve reacted the same way Jane did.

25) And that didn’t go too well, either…

RAFAEL: These are the divorce papers.

PETRA: You were about to have sex with me yesterday.

RAFAEL: We stopped.

PETRA: Yes. But I could tell you didn't want to.

RAFAEL: Petra, please, let's keep what little dignity we have left.

PETRA: Jane's going to change her mind. You're going to have to share custody of that baby.

RAFAEL: I'm hoping I won't.

PETRA: You will. You know you will. Rafael, we can work it out.

RAFAEL: Not if I don't love you anymore.

PETRA: You make me sick.

RAFAEL: I understand. So sign the divorce papers. You'll get your $250,000 and we'll be done with each other.

I respect Rafael because he doesn’t let his attraction for Petra could his judgment. He knows it would be wrong to continue the charade just to get the baby because, at the end of the day, he doesn’t love her and I’m not too sure she loves him either. Petra, on the other hand, feels disgusted when Rafael admits he doesn’t love her… but I guess cheating on him, lying to him, using sex and their tragic past to manipulate him, and holding him hostage with the idea that he won’t get the baby are not disgusting deeds.

I can’t help but wonder if Petra will undergo a  Heel-Face Turn and how exactly the writers will pull this off because she keeps piling on evil stuff.

26) I LOVE ROGELIO!!

ROGELIO: I heard what you said about not forcing things. This is not forcing things. This is apologizing. I think I was trying to make up for all these years in two hours. I was trying to impress you. But I went too far, so I'm sorry.

JANE: No. It's okay. I think I was hard on you, and I had expectations that were totally unreasonable. Then let's begin again.

Yes, he is self-absorbed and at times misguided, but he has a good heart and he does mean well. And who would’ve thought? He’s able to do some self-introspection if need be. And he can apologize when he does something wrong. He’s a good man, alright? Or at least he’s trying really hard to become one. I love him a lot.

27) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28) It was obvious Jane wouldn’t be able to give up the baby. She couldn’t put the baby through the same things she had to go through herself because other people denied her of the possibility to know who her father was. I still don’t know what Michael’s role is going to be in this whole thing.

29) Again, I’m Rafael…

RAFAEL: A guy I can't stand is gonna be involved in raising my kid. I just don't know what Jane's doing with him.

Except for the Michael-raising-my kid thing, of course.

30) WTF!!!!

My new favorite character is dead!!!

31) Sin Rostro killed him… I’m sorry, but I think Sin Rostro is actually a woman. And I’m guessing it’s Magda. I don’t know why I think Magda is behind all of this.

32) What the fuck are they planning?

Is Petra going to blame Rafael for domestic abuse?

33) Liar, liar, pants on fire…

“I’ve made a mistake” was probably the worse excuse he could’ve given. We know how Jane feels about people calling their willing choices “mistakes”.

34) Awww ☹

Will Jane be crying by the end of every episode? I hope not.

35) Of course…

36) A very fun episode! But will Jane end up crying in every episode? And will someone end up dead every few episodes? And is Magda Sin Rostro? Will Michael stop being so fucking boring? So many questions!

37)  Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[holdmekhh]

Time & Distance

Artist/Person : Yang HongWon/Young B

Group/Crew : Dickids Crew/Indigo Music

Genre : Angst/Fluff

Word Count : 2055

Requested : Hey! Can you please write an angst Young B scenario? :) maybe a long distance relationship, and the reader is still a student. The reader feels neglected and unimportant in hongwon’s life lately & feels he has negatively changed. Thanks!! ♡♡

A/N: I’m sorry that it took so long, but I was extremely busy! I hope you enjoy!

I’d been staring at the black screen for the past 5 minutes, but I wasn’t shocked. No, I was annoyed. I’d called him four times, yet there was no answer. Of course. This wasn’t new, the unanswered facetime calls. No, it’d been happening for the past month and a half. He wouldn’t answer my texts until hours later. Wouldn’t answer my calls or facetimes, or when he did they’d end quickly along with our angry bickering. My breathing would be harsh, tears heavy on my eyelashes. It was all so normal to me now, and I hated it. I hated the fact that whenever he would tell me to call, or would text me, all that I’d feel was annoyance. I hated that the boy that I once loved to talk to, now only made me feel too anxious to speak. I was angry at the fact the boy that once made me so happy, made me feel so wanted and loved, only made me cry and get angry to the point of stepping out of character to scream at him. It hurt.

I’d seen this same thing happen before, to my parents. The way that they’d switched completely. How the characteristics changed and they began to fight all the time. The house that was once quiet and full of love turned into house full of yelling. I’d seen the way tears flowed from my mother’s eyes when she’d turn away from my dad. And the fact that the same is happening to me, only makes me hurt inside.

Setting my phone down on my desk, a sigh passing through my lips, I stood from my chair. Grabbing my night clothes, I made my way to my bathroom. Stripping my face of all my makeup, I washed it and did my skin care, before stepping into the shower.

As I walked out, I sneaked a glance at my desk, where my phone was sitting. The screen was lit up with two notifications, neither of them being from him. A sigh left my lips as I pulled the towel from my hair and tossed it over my wardrobe before slipping on one of his shirts that he’d given me the last time we’d seen each other. It still smelled like him a little, and it brought back memories. I crawled into bed, getting under the covers, and shut my eyes letting sleep consume me.

“Yah!” I giggled, playfully pushing his shoulder. He merely smiled and wrapped his arms around me. “Is that any way to be talking to your oppa?” He muttered, brushing his nose against my cheek and smiling as he placed a peck on it. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around his middle, pushing myself up on my tiptoes and pecking his lips. “I’m gonna miss you when I go back…” I muttered, pouting when he nodded silently. “I’m gonna miss you, too, baby…so much.”

I shot up from my sleep, heart hammering against my ribcage as my mind scrambled to make sense of everything that was happening. Then I heard it, the loud ringing of my phone. Slowly turning my head, my eyes landed on the bright screen that was my phone. As my eyes focused, I felt my breath hitch. It was him. I quickly leaned over and grabbed the device from my bedside table, answering it and putting it to my ear. “Hello?” I rasped, laying back down with soft ‘hmph’.

“Hey. You called earlier?” He questioned, a loud laugh coming into the receiver after, making me cringe away. I glanced at the time on my phone. 03:34. It glared at me, making me roll my eyes. “Yeah, like almost 3 hours ago. Wanted to tell you something, but it’s whatever.” I grumbled, rolling my eyes with an annoyed sigh when all I got in response was another loud laugh and him talking to his friends. “Where are you?” I ask, voice bored and void of much emotion. “Huh? Oh, I’m out with Olltii hyung and some others. Why?” “Oh, nothing. You just sound busy is all. Maybe you should get back to them.” “No, I’m not that busy. Let’s talk more.” I nodded, but listened to him join in the conversation again. And I sat like that for 10 minutes, just listening to him laugh and have fun. All the while ignoring me on the other line.

I finally had enough, and with a heavy sigh I muttered the words that I never thought I’d say to him. My heart twisted at the words and my stomach churned as they fell from my lips. “Let’s break up.” He went silent, the only noise coming from his peers. Then, he excused himself from them, and I’d heard shuffling before it became quiet, well as quiet as it was going to get with the muffled loud music and cars in the background. “What’d you say?” His voice was soft, hesitant almost. I inhaled, my eyes shutting as I felt tears welling up, before I shakily exhaled. “I said, I think we should break up.” I heard the hitch of breath from the other line, the way he gulped. “W-what, why? W-we can’t break up…Baby, I can’t-we can’t…No.” He rambled, panic evident in his voice from the way it shook in fear. “Yes. We have to…what we’ve been doing isn’t healthy. Fighting all the time. The stress. And you’re way too busy for me.” I breathed, running a hand through my hair as I sit up. “T-Too busy for you? Baby, where’d you get that idea from?” He muttered. “Well, ever since you got signed, you’ve been getting more famous. And since then, well…we haven’t been talking much and when we do, we fight because of how busy you are…” The small groan that emits from the other line makes me frown. “Y/N-“ I cut him off quickly, “I have to go to bed. It’s late and I have school in the morning. Night.” I hang up, immediately putting my phone on ‘airplane mode’ and dropping it onto my bedside table. Pulling my cover up to my chin, I curl into myself and let the tears roll down the side of my face and onto my pillow.

And that was the last time we spoke. A week and a half ago. Not because of him, no. He was calling and texting me nonstop, up until two days ago. I should feel happy, relieved that he finally gave up on me. And even though I was the one who suggested breaking up, it still hurt to think about him with someone else.

A sigh left my lips as I watched the scenery go by in a blur. The train was quiet, filled with people going home from work and school, and others like me who were just going home for a quick weekend visit. And to be honest, I feel kind of anxious to be back in my room. The last time I was there, it was when I broke up with HongWon. Just the thought of it made my heart ache.

When the train stopped, I slowly stepped out and breathed in the air. Eyes jumping around as I made my way to the bus stop across the street. The only truly shitty thing about living away from home on weekdays and having working parents, is when they can’t pick you up when you visit, most of time, because they feel as though work is more important. Saving money for their kid to go to college is more important than spending time with them. Another tired sigh fell from my lips when the bus pulled up, it was packed, but this was the only bus that took me nearly to the exact location of my house. So, I climbed on, payed my fee, and pushed myself to the backdoor. Shoving my earbuds into my ears, I cut the volume all the way up, and played my music. I didn’t need to hear the voice of the bus driver telling which stops were which, I merely counted each stop until mine came, having to take this godforsaken thing damn near every other weekend to my parents’ house, I had to learn.

When the bus stopped at my destination, I got off with a mere nod to the driver. The bus had cleared out a lot during the journey here, and by now I’d gotten a seat. I was ready to get into the empty house and up to my bed though, I was tired and I my head hurt from all the stress. But, when I got there, I paused with shock evident on my face. Both, my moms’ and my dads’, cars were parked in the driveway. I chuckled, more like a scoff, with an eyeroll as I continued my way to the front door. Slowly, I unlocked it and stepped in, the sound of boisterous laughter falling to a deathly silence, immediately peeling off my shoes and making my way up to my room. I didn’t say anything as I walked passed the living room where both my parents sat with fallen grins and widened eyes. Of course, they probably forgot that today was my weekend home.

When I finally reached my room, I shut the door and locked it, ignoring the soft calls from my parents. I mean, it’s great that they’re back together and are happy again. But, it’d be even greater if they didn’t leave their only kid that tries to come around, feel like they don’t matter.

“Whatever.” I grumble, letting my backpack drop to the floor before peeling off my jacket. I quickly undressed, tossing everything into the dirty clothes hamper before slipping on tank top and a pair of joggers. I turned to make my way to bed, only for a scream to rip from my throat, waking the sleeping male that laid upon my mattress. Our eyes were wide, me from the shock of him being in my bed, and he from before ripped from his slumber by a dolphin screech. “Fuck-wait are you okay?” He asked in a panic, voice still raspy and heavy with sleep. “W-What the hell are you doing here?” I stuttered, brain freezing. I watched, still in confusion, as he looked down while his ears began to redden. “Um…I’m here to see you…” He muttered, getting off the bed and making his way to me. He stopped right in front of me, taking my hands in his.

“Look, Y/N, I know I fucked up…I know I hurt you-and shit…I didn’t mean to. I love you so much, and I would never purposely hurt you like that.” He muttered, voice shaky as he stared into my eyes before letting them drop to the floor. “L-Like…I really didn’t think about how you felt about not talking. I-I didn’t think about anything, or how big of a deal it may be to you. And-fuck I’m so fucking selfish.” He groaned, pulling away to run his hand through his hair. Tears had dropped onto his flushed cheeks by now, making my heart twist and I pouted, lip quivering as I listened to his shaky breaths. “I didn’t try to think about how you felt…I didn’t understand why you were so angry and hurt…until this past week and a half. I hurt so much…like I felt physical pains in my heart. And your words…they wouldn’t stop going through my head. I-I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I thought maybe writing a rap about it to get my raw feelings through to you, to let you know how much I love you. But, I couldn’t write a goddamn thing.” He huffed, falling back against a wall with a soft whimper. I’d stared at him through the heavy silence of the room before I made my way to him. Pushing myself onto my tiptoes, I grabbed the sides of his face, and kissed him. He was shocked, but quickly fell into the familiar rhythm that was us. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me closer before pulling back just slightly. “I’m sorry. For everything.” He muttered, his harsh breaths beating against my saliva moistened lips making me shiver. I merely nodded, a short ‘okay’ passing through my lips before I crashed them back onto his.

[loyolahcmass]

Homily on Happiness by Token

Here is the preview of Fr. Rossi’s homily on Happiness by Token:

Hopkins Mass Homily

 “Happiness”

by 

Token

 “Show me where Happiness is”

 The first time Ben Goldberg rapped in public he was 13 years old. 

 It was July 1, 2012, and Goldberg was part of a swarm of 30 or so kids who intercepted Hopsin, a Los Angeles-based rapper who had just finished performing at a local club. 

 While Hopsin signed autographs, Goldberg stepped forward.

 “Yo, I’m going to rap for you,” Goldberg told him.

__________

 This wasn’t a premeditated decision. 

 He didn’t weigh the consequences of embarrassing himself in front of someone he idolized, not to mention a crowd of his peers. 

 But Goldberg, who had already given himself the stage name Token, was confident. 

 It was as if he had spent the last three years building to this — countless hours in his room, pen to pad, constructing intricate rhyme patterns. 

 Hopsin was known for the complexity of his rap “flow”. 

 Goldberg thought he’d have to appreciate his style. 

__________

 “You chumps know it is dumb. Hoping / this young Token / for fun won’t split you, cut open / I come roaming / with a lyrical gun loaded. . . . ”

 The crowd fell silent, Hopsin included. 

 It felt, Goldberg would later say, as if he were onstage.

 When Goldberg was done, Hopsin offered affirmation and advice. 

“I see what you’re doing, and it’s sick,” he told him. 

 “You have the techniques, but sometimes take it slower and kind of steez it out a little bit — and have some fun with it.”

__________

 It wasn’t as if Goldberg had any doubt about his path before that point, but he recalls this moment as galvanizing. 

 “That night was the night of my life for years,” says Goldberg, now 19. 

 But there’s been competition for that title lately — much of it in the past 2 years.

 In October 2015, Goldberg’s entry to a rap video contest went viral, ultimately tallying more than 2.5 million views on YouTube. 

 In April 2016, he had another viral hit: a six-minute-long performance on the influential Sway in the Morning hip-hop show on Sirius XM that was so powerful it moved a co-host to tears. 

 Then in September of last year, he released a mixtape, “Eraser Shavings,” which reached number 3 on the iTunes hip-hop charts and made it into the top 40 overall. 

 His work caught the attention of Mark Wahlberg, who helped him land a guest spot on a November episode of the “Wahlburgers” reality show and a role as a college kid in the movie Patriots Day, released last December.

__________

 Goldberg also had the opportunity to tour for the first time in 2016, doing several solo dates in France and Switzerland — two places where one of his viral hits got heavy play. 

 Then, he played more than 20 dates in the U.S. 

 This time, he was an opening act. The headliner: Hopsin.

 “He doesn’t remember that night,” Goldberg says, laughing. “I reminded him many times.”

__________

 From an early age, hip-hop was a therapeutic for Goldberg. 

 Even as a first-grader, he was getting suspended from school for yelling at his teachers and fighting. 

 “He had this explosive anger,” says his mother, Leslie. 

 At home, he’d have an episode — screaming, throwing things — and then retreat, horrified about what he’d done. 

“He would go into his room,” she says, “and you could just see in his face that he was crestfallen. 

 He’d ask, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ”

__________

 Goldberg went from therapist to therapist and was eventually diagnosed with depression and anxiety. 

 He was also slow to read, and doctors identified a language disability. 

 And, yet, as he continued to work on his word skills and composition, writing became an outlet. 

 “When he started writing, you could see he used it that way,” says his sister, Madeline, who is five years older. 

 “He’d blow up, try to say something, and if he didn’t have the right words, he would go to his room and write.”

__________

 It worked. 

 “I don’t think I realized, holding this pad, this is the answer — this is the reason why I don’t feel bad anymore. 

 But subconsciously, I knew it, and that’s why I kept going back to it,” he says. 

 “Honestly, at some points, it feels like it’s all I have to get this negative energy off of me.”

__________

 Soon, Goldberg’s diary-like writing turned into poems, and the poems turned into raps. 

 He started recording himself when he was 10 years old, using GarageBand and rhyming over beats playing from the computer’s speakers. 

 They were self-therapy sessions set to music. 

 “I was basically hiding them from everybody, because they were for me,” he says. 

 But one day, a friend found them on his computer and pushed him to create a YouTube channel and upload them. 

 After some protest, Goldberg relented, releasing his first song — him rapping over the beat for Lil Wayne’s “Drop the World” featuring Eminem. 

 His MC moniker at the time was his initials, BDG (Benjamin David Goldberg). 

__________

 “When I got my first positive comment on YouTube, I was like ‘This is what I need to do for the rest of my life.’” 

 “The fact that somebody could like something that I love to do so much, it’s like 

‘That’s it — that’s what I’m going to do. There’s no question.’”

__________

 And that’s where his song “Happiness” comes in.

 It’s the first track released from his first major project “Eraser Shavings.” 

 It was released on the 23rd of September 2016.

__________

 “Happiness” is an emotional Hip Hop track that is sure to pull on the heart strings. 

 Before the release of this track, Token took to social media.

 There, he said,“ This video I got is next level, man….

 “I’m showing you guys a part of me that I never put out there before.”

__________

 This song presents some insights into Token’s life at home and his family’s history with depression. 

 It’s about two teenagers.

 A boy who has no friends and seems to have nothing going for him

 Ironically, it’s also about a girl, approximately the same age, who appears to be perfect in everyone’s eyes, but, in fact, is in the same state as the boy.

 Through their stories, Token airs his feeling towards mental illness and the affects it has on him, his family and other people. 

 It asks the big question, “What is happiness?” 

__________

Goldberg says in the song,

 Sometimes I just am feeling down

Sometimes I just feel no one will ever understand

Sometimes I wanna cry

Sometimes I want to crush my family's so-called medication look in their eyes

And tell them they don't need it as long we just have each other

But then sometimes I watch them suffer

I just wonder where happiness is.

 But, I think he answers this question by the way he’s been living and working.

 What’s he been doing?

 He’s been reflecting on his life, finding out what his talents and abilities are, and then disciplining himself to develop those talents further.

__________

 We as Christians can add one more element to that equation: God.

 We can ask God to help us think about and consider who we are, who he has made us to be, and then pray that He will help us acquire the disciple needed to expand those talents.

__________

 Token says, “Happiness ISN’T as easy as "happy life = happy person” and “sad life = sad person.” 

 “There’s a lot that doesn’t meet the eye…"

 He certainly is correct there.

 It takes hard work and patience.

 And it takes help from outside ourselves.

 The psalmist is right on the mark this week:

 You are my God whom I seek.”

[mcwxlr]

He Doesn’t Love Me

Word count: 2.3k

Summary: It’s 2012, they broke up. Phil didn’t know his new girlfriend would kill Dan’s mind. Dan knew he was depressed, but Phil didn’t know. Dan knew he was getting worse, but Phil didn’t know. Dan was deteriorating in front of Phil, it was all his fault, and he didn’t even fucking know. 

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Dan and Phil

Tw: Depression, arguing, self harm, alcohol, attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, lots of cursing, like four mentions of an ED

Time period: 2012 (2017 at the end)

A/N: Mild spoiler alert: happy ending.,, I’ve been writing this for like 3 hours and I haven’t even noticed oh wow. Send prompts if you want. 

     “I didn’t want them to fucking know yet!” Dan screamed back at Phil.

     “It is not the end of the world!” Phil yelled back, taking a deep sigh before continuing. “What, are you ashamed to be in a relationship with me?” Phil’s eyes glossed over and his bottom lip shook.

     “No- Phil, no! That isn’t what I meant and you know it!”

     “Well what did you mean then?!”

     Dan tugged at his hair, clenching his fists. He will not say anything he regrets. Deep breaths, he will not say anything he doesn’t mean. Deep breaths, he will not-

     “Phil- you fucking idiot! You know that isn’t what I mean! God, you’re so childish! Just grow up for fuck’s sake. You take everything the wrong way and you’re just so god damn clumsy and stupid. God- sometimes it’s just so fucking hard to love you, you know that?!” Dan took a deep breath, eyes widening and his hand quickly shooting up to cover his mouth. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean any of it. But that was too late. Dan watched as several tears slipped out of his longest-lasting friend’s eyes. Dan watched as Phil’s face drained of all emotion. Dan watched as Phil walked into his room and locked the door.

     “This is Ella, my girlfriend.” Phil smiled, introducing the the girl attached to his side. She had chocolaty-coloured hair that came down to her mid-back. Her eyes were blue like faded cobalt, but they weren’t shit compared to Phil’s eyes. She was a slim girl too, slightly tanned skin and freckles only covering her face. She came up to just over Phil’s shoulder, which her cheek touched as she smiled. She doesn’t have dimples. Phil likes dimples. I have dimples... 

     Dan’s eyes filled with tears that he wouldn’t dare let spill. He forced his chapped lips into a smile and waved at Ella.

     “I’m Dan.” Dan introduced. Despite the forced smile on his face, his voice sounded very monotone. 

     “You’re Phil’s roommate, right?” She questioned. Dan bit his lip and nodded. Roommate. Dan almost chuckled. 

     “We’re going out for dinner, so I’ll see you later.” Phil interrupted, taking Ella by the hand and exiting the apartment. That should be him and Phil. Going to Starbucks. Laughing and smiling, hand in hand. Dan shook his head. He’d ruined it, he’d ruined everything.

     It wasn’t until Phil had left the apartment that Dan actually realised what’d just happened. Phil has a girlfriend. Phil loves another person. Phil is gone. Phil didn’t love Dan. Only a few weeks after they’d broken up, too. Phil replaced Dan in three and a half weeks. Was he really that worthless? Dan continued processing it, but soon enough it was nothing about Phil or Ella. It was negative thoughts. Negative thoughts about how worthless he was, how ignorant and selfish, how stupid, how fat, how emo, how irresponsible, how immature. Dan was a fuck up. He’d be better off dead, because Ella made Phil much happier than Dan ever did. Dan sucked in a breath, shaking his head. He felt tears tracking down his face, but quickly wiped them away. When they kept falling he just gave up.

     Dan pushed his laptop off of his lap and stood up on shaky legs, walking back to his room with the walls support. He slammed his bedroom door closed and trudged over to his bed. His feet felt like they were walking through putty. Suddenly everything felt so fucking heavy. Now, Dan was irritated. Irritated that Phil replaced him. Irritated that Ella was so much more pretty than him. He was irritated that there was only half a carton of milk left in the fridge. He was irritated that Phil didn’t care about him. He was irritated that his room was messy. He was irritated that he couldn’t do anything about it. He was irritated he stopped taking his medication three and a half weeks ago. Phil wouldn’t know that though, Phil didn’t care. Phil didn’t even know Dan was on medication. It was so god damn much.

     Dan stayed up until 12 AM screaming and crying into his pillow and crying. Phil never came back home.

     Three months later and Dan’s mental state was deteriorating at an alarming rate. Two weeks later Dan started drinking like his life depended on it (it did). One day later Dan stopped getting out of bed. Other than using the bathroom, sneaking a pack of crackers every few days or going to get more alcohol, Dan laid practically lifeless on his bed. Phil should’ve been laying there with him. Phil was in the room beside him with another girl who he loved more than Dan. Every time Dan heard giggles across the hallway he added a cut to each wrist. Every time he heard a moan he added two cuts to each wrist. Each time they said “I love you” he went ape shit with the razor.

     Phil didn’t even notice when Dan had started wearing long sleeve shirts whenever he did leave his room. Dan went shirtless whenever he was in his room. Besides, even if Phil did care enough to check in on Dan, he’d be completely enveloped in the duvet.

     One night (or morning) at around 4 AM Dan came to the conclusion that no, Phil didn’t love him. No, Phil didn’t care about him. Yes, Phil loved Ella. Yes, Phil would move out and forget about Dan. Dan knew how these nights went, and he didn’t want to think at all. He wanted to sleep, but he wasn’t tired. His solution? Walk aimlessly around Manchester because that was a great idea. Dan laid for about 10 more minutes before sliding out of bed and slipping on a random shirt, black hoodie, dirty black jeans and some tattered and old shoes. Dan didn’t even bother with the mirror. He was aware that his cheeks had probably become very hollow. He was aware he was probably under 55 kg. He was aware of the horrible eye bags that marked his face. He was aware of how red his eyes were. He understood, and quite frankly, he didn’t care.

     Dan glanced at his charging phone and turned away from it. He also left his wallet and everything else but his house key. As Dan walked down the hallway he glanced into Phil’s open bedroom. Ella was fast asleep across his chest, in her undies and one of Phil’s shirts. Phil was fast asleep too, his hand draped across her waist. Dan jerked his head away as tears pricked his eyes. He just walked out of the apartment faster. He didn’t come back home that night.

     It was 6 PM when Dan finally came home. He hadn’t slept at all. Though, his head was clearer now. He was drained from walking around all night and day but he wasn't gonna lie, it definitely made him feel better. But as soon as he walked through that door he knew he was in deep shit. Phil sat alone in the lounge, Ella nowhere in sight (thank god). Phil’s head shot up as soon as he saw Dan. He immediately stood.

     “Dan! What the fuck, I’ve been so worried! Where were you?” Phil yelled, his voice shaky and eyes glassy. “You can’t just leave like that, what is wrong with you?!” Dan chuckled at that. It was completely deprived of emotion and stone cold. “What- What the hell are you laughing about Dan?” Phil’s pitch rose and fall with each sentence. Honestly, Dan could tell Phil everything right here, right now. But Phil didn’t care and Phil didn’t love Dan. Plus, Dan didn’t really have the energy to explain anything or argue. 

     “Where’s Ella? Shouldn’t you be watching one of our favourite movies with her?” Dan spat, bitterly. Phil furrowed his eyebrows.

     “She had a family emergency. But- but that doesn’t answer my question. Where were you? Why didn’t you have your phone with you? You could’ve been killed for god’s sake!” Phil’s voice rose as he continued on.

     “Unfortunately I didn’t...” Dan mumbled under his breath and broke eye contact with Phil. Phil let out a sigh. 

     “Dan, is there something wrong? You can talk to me, you know that.” Phil voice softened. Here’s your chance, Dan thought.

     “There’s nothing wrong. I’m perfectly fucking fine.” Dan said before he could tell Phil about how hard everything has been. 

     “Dan-”

     “I said I am fucking fine! Leave me alone, god dammit!” Dan screamed in Phil’s face, breath quickening. Phil’s expression change from soft to annoyed again.

     “I knew you were selfish. I’ve been up all night waiting for you. I’ve been worried sick for months now. You don’t care about me. Do you care about anything, Dan? Hmm?” Phil ranted. Dan stopped listening until, “Are you even listening, Dan? Fuck it.” Phil stopped for a second. “I’m so bloody glad I fell in love with Ella.” Dan turned around and locked himself in his room.

     He overdosed that night.

     One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine- fuck it. Dan downed half the bottle of pills. His wrists were now deep and bloody gashes replaced where his veins and freckles used to be. Dan washed down each pill with a sip of vodka. All the while, Phil was banging on the bathroom door and screaming at Dan to come out whilst dialing 999 at the same time. 

     The ceiling looked quite odd and the red-tinted bath water swirled. Everything looked fuzzy and Dan’s body started hurting really bad. He gagged a bit, his body trying to push the pills back up, put it was worthless. When Phil had successfully picked the doorknob he busted in immediately. Phil looked fuzzy to Dan too. Dan realised how much this would scar Phil. Seeing his best friend of almost four years with his wrists slit open and gushing blood into once clear bath water, his head thrown back and leaned against the tiled wall, completely out of it. It must’ve been so much scarier seeing him pass out.

     Dan woke up with a gasp. As he struggled to catch his breath he examined the room around him. It was white. Well, the ceiling was white. Dan looked down. Oh. He was in a hospital. He saw movement out of his peripheral vision, and, oh.

     “Dan? Dan- oh fuck, I’m so sorry. Can you hear me? Are you okay?” Phil quickly stood up and crouched down beside Dan. Dan just nodded, as he wasn’t in the mood for discussing much. Phil gave him a weak smile and ruffled his matted hair. At some point during that, Phil must’ve pressed the button to alert a doctor that he was awake because the door swung open and an older man in his late 40′s with faded light brown hair entered the room.

     “Daniel Howell, correct?” The man offered a smile. Phil went back over to his chair beside Dan. Dan nodded. “Well, in case you haven’t a clue what happened last night, you attempted suicide.” Dan looked down at his legs. The doctor kept speaking, but realised Dan probably wasn’t paying any attention so he began speaking directly to Phil.

     “We’ll put him on some medications and provide him a therapist.” The doctor said, causing Dan to zone back in on the conversation. “And I know the answer, but do you reckon he’d be content with staying in a psychological evaluation centre?” 

     “No.” Dan spoke up before Phil could get a word in.

     “Dan-” Phil tried to intervene, but Dan cut him off again.

     “No. I’m not fucking going.” His decision was final. Phil sighed again.

     “Mister Lester, in order for us to let him stay home again with you, you must be sure he sees his therapist when he’s supposed to, make sure he takes his medication, eats, all that stuff.” The doctor turned his attention to Phil again. Dan looked over at Phil too and watched him take his bottom lip between his teeth and nod.

     “Alright. I’ll do it.” Phil agreed, reluctantly.

     Four days later Dan was on his way home.

     “Where’s Ella?” Dan asks out of the blue, turning his attention away from the TV to Phil.

     “She- Uh,” Phil scratched the back of his neck. “She moved.”

     “Oh, okay.” Dan went silent for a second, thinking. “Did you break up?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Okay.” Dan smiled a little. Phil was his. Phil could love him again. Possibly.

     “You didn’t like her, did you?” Phil tilted his head to the side. Dan pursed his lips and shook his head. “She wasn’t that bad Dan. She always asked about you. Made sure you were doing alright.” Phil paused and rubbed his forehead. “I didn’t know either, so I just told her you were doing fine.” Phil giggled. “I don’t think she believed me.”

     “Bad boyfriend alert.” Dan giggled up at Phil. Phil giggled back.

     “Cute boyfriend alert.” Phil smiled, his tongue poking through his teeth before kissing Dan for the first time in months. When he pulled back he watched Dan’s smile grow impossibly wider. His face was beet-red and his eyes were focused on the sofa beneath them, slowly trailing up to meet Phil’s beautiful eyes. The brighter cobalt. The one’s Ella didn’t have. 

     “Thank you, kind sir.” Dan laughed and hugged Phil.

     They fell asleep cuddling for the first time in months.

     Five years later, Dan and Phil moved into their London home. Dan no longer needed to take anti-depressants, saw his therapist only a few times a month, he was at a healthy weight and most importantly, he was finally happy and content and in love with Phil Lester. Dan and Phil’s channels were doing absolutely amazing and Dan had recently shared his experience with Depression. Minus the major details of 2012, though. Everything was perfect.

     Dan, nor Phil, could be happier with what either of them had come to.

[cctaehyung]

did u think i'd let u go without a request for angst,,, u were wrong i want fight (against each other) & mourn too :D :D :D

the joke is on you it’s been 10-11 months and I FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO WRITE THIS HAHA :D :D :D

Fight — I’ll write a drabble of my character fighting with/against yours.

Mourn — I’ll write a drabble of my character mourning yours.

tw: death, self hatred ?? (there’s also a scene of someone being killed and a slight mention of ricky getting mad at Big G in the beginning. so if that makes you uncomfortable, please ignore)

taehyung was a person of change.

rather than keeping his hair his natural color, he dyes it to red and is now known for how the color suits him.

rather than staying with his family like he had promised when his father passed away, he leaves his four brothers and his little sister to go live on his own because of a new addition to the family. rather than staying in the brokenhearted state that he was in when he was still hung over basil, he moves on to try and love himself this time (with a blue outfit and a pistol with a sword bayonet attached to it! sweet!)

taehyung didn’t mind changes. in fact, he thinks it’s normal for changes to happen in life. especially if it involves him. he liked getting out of his comfort zone once in awhile to experience it whenever he could. from living alone to living with a dog and a lover and from being cold and distant to being less of that. throughout his whole life, he never thought that changes would be bad and would leave a negative impact on him.

but now, it’s different. everything is painted new here and there. the atmosphere, the city, the life of becoming a magical hero or even living his daily life. everything is not the same and everything is strange. even though he’s one to adapt to anything, he still can’t stop living in the past this time.

he’s not used to it. he’s not used to living in a new shelter surrounded by people he liked, disliked, or barely knew who were apart of the resistance. he’s not used to sleeping on the floor with other people while a few slept on the beds. he’s not used to having soonshim have to sleep by his side since there was no dog beds in the place. he wasn’t used to the lack of electricity or resource. the lack of normal heroes, cards, and living humans still makes him feel uneasy since this living hell began.

but most of all, taehyung wasn’t used to the lack of sleep. he wasn’t used to having to keep his eyes open in hopes of not to do deal with such a haunting sight to replay in his mind. when he was still in love with basil, he was able to sleep because he couldn’t see it. he wasn’t there. he wasn’t there to see basil be killed by a familiar, only to become one himself and get killed by the hands of his own team member. he would wake up sometimes from dreams of basil, sure, but he would be able to go back to sleep again because they never involved bloodshed.

but he was there for yoongi. he was there to save him from the familiar during the rookie massacre. he was there when he eventually fell for the boy and found himself becoming a fool around the younger. he was there to confess his crush on him and to get his feelings returned. for every sweet and passionate moment, for every kiss and bruise that they placed on each other, and for every silly conversation and argument. he was there. he was there for it all, and he was glad.

but as he was there in the moment, holding the weak boy in his arms, he realized then that this wasn’t where he wanted to be. he didn’t want to be holding yoongi’s weak body as his life eventually slips away from him. yoongi was with weak smiles and weak chuckles, tears rolling down his cheek from the physical and mental pain of dying while taehyung had his cries and hopes for yoongi to not have been in the situation that had lead up to this. what was the point of acting so strong at such a difficult time for themselves? taehyung never understood why people had to pretend they weren’t suffering when they were. what was the point of pretending someone is not suffering alone and not reaching out for help?

so many emotions run through his mind and so many things to say that came out as blubbers and pleas for yoongi to not leave. but when yoongi says something, it later dawns on ricky that this would be his lover’s last words before he eventually sees darkness with eyes open, dropping the hand that held the older’s lifelessly. the scream he emits leaves people still. it was as if time had frozen itself. everyone was quiet. no one had gone to him to comfort him as he held the dead boy in his arms. 

all that could be heard was the sound of him crying to the sky, showing anger to the creator who his parents have told him to have trust in throughout his whole entire life. he was furious at the father for betraying him when he needed him the most. how could he do this to him? to everyone else? was this a punishment? did they deserve it because of one selfish man’s mistakes?

this day was the day ricky had lost faith in a change that would bring happiness to him. this was the day that ricky swore to himself that when he ever comes across aku, he’d kill the damn wizard no matter how long it could take.

life goes on slowly.

every step in this city, he can only think of each second spent without the other by his side and it hurts. it hurts to walk with other people around him who were also looking for the restoration card with the same pain in their hearts. even with the sun out in the sky, the whole world was colorless and dull, a lack of color and a lack of any sign of brightness. it seemed as if the only optimism they have at this moment is to make it out alive with the small, magical creature by their side.

though that was their main goal, meeting with a familiar face had given them another one that they would be able to accomplish in just a few minutes. ricky watches as other members of the resistance beat the man until he was weak and kneeling on the floor with little to no power. poor kento was told to be restrained by the envy card while all of this was going on, watching his lover be hurt by the other members until he was unable to fight back.

it then comes to the final decision: who was to kill lee taeyong, the man who caused this apocalypse in the first place? though there was no final decision, it seemed as if people had the same expectation as that man did. but it wasn’t confirmed until he looks over at taehyung.

“what about that one?” he asks. “he’s wanted me dead from the beginning.”

he freezes up when asked the question, feeling conflicted over the current situation that was laid upon him. despite their history of arguments and fights, kim taehyung had no ability to kill the pitiful man in front of him. he could kill cards and familiars, but he couldn’t kill another hero or a human being. it went against his morals, even if it was in a dire situation. no matter what situation taehyung was put in, he could not bring himself to take the life of a human despite his hatred for them. especially if that person was lee taeyong himself.

he couldn’t kill him. no matter what power he had in him, he couldn’t kill this man.

he notices the other members eyes and he has no choice but to turn away from them all, refusing to look at just the man who only asked for death from him. no words and sounds escape from him, but he was sure it leaves an answer for the other members.

“i’ll do it.”

quickly turning back to see who the voice had belonged to, the blanket of guilt automatically covers him up as he sees jongin walk up to taeyong. he didn’t have to look up at anyone to know that people were shocked when they heard this. to hear that a man would be willing to take a life of a close friend was absolutely tragic. in fact, ricky thought it would be impossible for someone like him to do something like this. but with what he’s seen lately ever since the apocalypse had begun, he feels as if he shouldn’t be surprised any longer.

he pays attention as he watches the other magical hero stand in front of his friend, weapon in his hand. and though he wanted to run away from the scene, he couldn’t and he was forced to watch it all. the horror of what his silence and cowardly actions could do to the people around him. they tell him he doesn’t have to, trying to convince him to think through this decision. but it felt like he had made his decision very clear the moment he raises his weapon at him. 

“ken- ken don’t loo-” 

but his words are interrupted as jongin stabs taeyong in the chest and ricky couldn’t even find the strength to look away. but then again, where was his strength to begin with? if he couldn’t kill taeyong in the first place, it’d make sense for him to have no strength to run away from it. 

he knew he’d had to learn lessons the hard way in life. but this wasn’t a lesson. this was karma. 

maybe it would’ve hurt less if he was the one to do it. maybe things would have been more different and he wouldn’t have to hear kana shouting at jongin to stop. the sight of jongin just continuing to desperately end the boy’s life so that he could get it over with made him feel so guilty. but he couldn’t turn back time to a few minutes ago. even if he did, they’d still be suffering…. 

but not like this. 

the sound of a body falling helplessly to the ground has never sounded louder until ricky realizes that he could hear it over the cries. the next thing he hears are footsteps and he sees himself getting closer and closer to the other. but before he could get his attention, the other shoves him away.

he has it all in his head, surrounded by a mix of emotions that were all over the place. “jongin,” he begins, “jongin i’m so sorry i didn’t…” he hesitates, but he desperately continues. “i’m…” 

he tries to continue, but he wasn’t able to. “don’t.” 

it’s funny how one word could end his train of thought and his ability to feel any mix of emotions. there was no longer just disappointment with sadness and guilt. but ricky wasn’t able to know what the feeling was until jongin speaks again. 

“don’t talk to me.” 

completely hopeless. 

“can you feel my pain from up there?”

a question in the form of a whisper leaves his lips on another sleepless night as he stares at the full moon that hid behind clouds. he does this when he’s sure everyone, including soonshim, in this building was resting. he’s sure that people would look at him oddly and think about putting him in the prison to make sure he had a pure soul (he did, by the way).

people don’t usually talk to the moon. in fact, taehyung himself has never done it in his life until after yoongi’s death. back then, they both had a conversation about how one would be the sun to the other’s moon, with taehyung somehow being called sunshine and yoongi being called moonbeam.

that’s why he’s here, sitting by the windowsill instead of lying on the floor with his dog to fall asleep.

he laughs to himself. “do you think i’m an idiot for sitting here and talking to you like this?” he asks the moon. “what if this never even gets to you? whenever i do this, do you ever hear me calling?”

the silence pains him, but it wasn’t like he didn’t expect it.

“i’ve lost so many things in just a few months,” he says, laughing softly at himself before he continues on. “my family, home, so many friends, the lives i could’ve saved when i had the chance, and you… dammit. i’ve disappointed so many people. i let so many rookies die when gyu trusted me to be the leader of his damn team. i had to get jongin to kill taeyong because i was too weak to do it myself, and now he won’t even talk to me. even after i’ve become a ‘better’ person, i still manage to disappoint the people around me because of my stupid actions of doing fucking nothing for anyone but myself.”

he looks up at the moon again, closing his eyes to let the tears in them fall down. he opens his eyes again and smiles at the moon above him. “do you pity me, yoongi?” his voice breaks. “are you disappointed in me as well? for being so weak when you expected me to be stronger? you thought so highly of me and i don’t know why i fucking believed you. here i am, proving everything you say about me wrong. you’re too damn kind, it fucking irritates me. somehow you chose me expecting success, but here you have a failure.”

he takes a second to take a deep breathe before he finishes his silent rant. “you should’ve continued to hate me,” he says. “you should’ve continued to not get involved with me. you should’ve loved someone instead of someone like me. maybe you would still be alive because he saved you instead of letting you die like i did. you deserve an actual hero rather than a poor excuse of one, min yoongi. you goddamn idiot.”

he looks away from the moon and goes back to where he was to sleep. soonshim wasn’t awake to notice he had come back or his tears as they wet his pillow. but after minutes of him crying to himself silently as he feels sorrow and heartbreak, he was able to eventually falls asleep and see nothing but pitch black.

“have you decided your wish?” yuuko asks the resistance, now with less members than when they had witnessed taeyong’s death. lucky enough for him, he and soonshim were still survivors along with a few of his other friends. sure, he didn’t deserve it, but he’s still here in the end because of whatever lord knows.

they all have thought of their wish carefully. suggestions such as “the hanged man dies” and “the hanged man ceases to exist in history” were included in their discussion, but they all had realized that both wishes could not work as they wouldn’t do good with what they needed. however, one idea came to mind and after a mutual agreement, they turn back to the witch prepared.

“we wish that the rookie massacre had never happened.”

aware of the consequences of this wish, taehyung was prepared for what the restoration card could do once it was granted. whether it’d bring them back in time with the memories of the events that happened after the massacre in their heads only, he would be fine with it. if it meant that yoongi would have no memory of being taehyung’s boyfriend or when he realized he was still into him, as sad as it may sound, he would be okay. if it meant that yoongi would want to be far away from him as possible and the two would keep getting in ridiculous arguments over their mistakes in the past, he would accept it regardless. yoongi being alive and hating taehyung’s guts was worth more than yoongi dying with love for him. nothing mattered to him except for seeing him smiling for any other reason but him at this point.

he prays that this wish would work. he prays that the people in the resistance would become as happy as him once they go back in time to see their friends living and breathing again. even with the painful memories that will replay in their minds and hearts. he hopes they all will focus on the new reality rather than this cruel one. perhaps, this time, everyone can get a happy ending or another chance.

[cherrystreet]

I was tagged by @loveliestlarry and @all-these-larrythings, originally by @lululawrence - thank you!

(I’m sorry I suck and it took me so long to get this out there!)

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Annual Writing Self Evaluation

1. List of works published this year:

1. 7 Up 2. (I Will Run Into) The Hurricane 3. Second Time’s the Charm 4. Just a Trim 5. 210 Days 6. All the Right Moves 7. Rated R 8. Tug-of-War 9. This Wicked Game 10. Never Be 11. Roots and about a thousand and one drabbles

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Probably Tug-of-War. It was an emotional piece to write and I loved seeing the characters come to life. It’s everything I love in one story: tension, pining, friendship, comedy (I hope), heartbreak, AND A DOG (let’s be real, that dog was the star of the story). Everyone has been so receptive and I feel so lucky being able to see people’s reactions to a universe I spent so much time creating, one that means so much to me.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Just a Trim. It’s a canon story and that’s something I don’t particularly enjoy writing/reading anymore.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing: I think it depends on the day you ask me. Sometimes I pull out angsty pieces, sometimes I pull out dialogue, sometimes it’s comedic. Today, it’s this.

From a drabble request, going off of Tug-of-War:

It’s driving in cars, screaming at each other, Louis slapping Harry across the face and Harry punching him back, not hard enough to actually hurt. It’s being at the lake the next summer, Louis tackling him off of the dock and into the water, soaking him and nearly breaking off his foot in the process, sunburned and his smile so bright, it threatens to take over his entire face. It’s moving Louis into college, pretending that he’s happy for him and letting Louis put him in a headlock for their picture, but when Louis pulls Harry in for a sweaty hug just before Harry leaves, he hooks his chin over Louis’ shoulder and he can feel Louis crying before he sees him. Harry can’t leave him, and stays for another two hours. It’s Louis, Harry, and Chris dressing up as the Three Musketeers for Halloween one year, Harry looking over the edge of his Solo cup as Louis pushes Chris up against the door and kisses him through a smile, Harry immediately going for a refill. It’s Harry temporarily moving into Louis and Chris’ house after Chris dies, both of them incoherent and unable to do anything other than lay there and cry, and when Harry thinks Louis is finally asleep on day three, he rolls out of the bed slowly to go shower and Louis sits up immediately, fresh tears on his face, begging Harry not to leave him. It’s hair dyed blue, it’s drunken bar nights, it’s the Jeep windows down and the air whipping around like mad, it’s late night phone calls that are sometimes silent but always filled with thoughts, unspoken but so obvious.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I read everything. Everything. I want to see reactions, positive and negative. I like to know what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong, what people like most. So I search. I read every single message, anon, tag, reblog, tweet, post, etc. There have been so many words over the past year, that picking a favorite “review” would be absolutely impossible. Too many beautiful, kind words have been said about the mess of ideas I’ve thrown together to make a story, and I can’t believe how fortunate I am to receive them.

There is one, though, that will stick with me forever, I’m sure. Someone recently commented on 7 Up and went over the death within the story, comparing it to the way they’re handling their own mother’s disease. Their mom has Alzheimer’s, has for over a decade, and they said they felt fortunate that they’ve had ample time to say goodbye, and when she passes, “it’ll feel like saying sweet dreams,” instead of wanting one more day. And that took my breath away, that someone who’s going through such a difficult time could remain so positive, and then compare my story’s words to their own life, saying it resonated with them in a great way. I’m still stunned.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Twice, in particular. The first was over the summer when I began working on This Wicked Game. I had very few readers at that point, and the surge in attention was intimidating. I wanted to please everyone at once and really pushed myself to get it done with quickly so people would “respect” me, and it caused a LOT of stress. Looking back, I see how stupid that is.

Second time was over the autumn. I’d lost my job and both my grandparents in a matter of weeks and I wasn’t coping well. I fell apart for a while. I think I’m doing alright now.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

All the Right Moves. Word 1 to 17,000. I’m typically most comfortable writing something that requires resolution, and obviously, ATRM didn’t need that, and that was out of my comfort level; I was afraid people wouldn’t like the fact that there wasn’t any conflict. I was surprised - and pleased - that so many people were so fond of it, and that the majority of the comments on it were along the lines of “I had no idea that epilogue/prologue was coming.” I’m so happy that with a basic, short fic like that one, there were still some surprises to be had!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I’m more patient now. In the beginning, I wanted everything done so badly, I’d skip over somewhat pivotal parts and describe them briefly because I wanted to get to the “good stuff.” Now, I know it’s worth it to take my time. I hope that’s noticeable to people other than myself.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

Someone commented on Roots a few weeks ago and said they were shocked I hadn’t “plateaued” yet, and I now think about that every time I open Google docs. I don’t want to be boring or predictable. I hope to still shock or surprise anyone who reads; I hope I continue to improve, and to never settle.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Once upon a time, I admitted to a long distance friend that I’d always wanted to try to write, and she told me to do it, and that she thought I could. She made me post my first piece, she cried through emotional scenes, she listened when I was hurting over hateful messages, she encouraged, she edited, she gave ideas, she talked me off the edge more times than I can count, she loved me even when I was being an absolute lunatic and she probably wanted to tell me to shut the hell up, she was proud and always told me. Three flights back and forth to each other over the past six months, I’ve found a best friend in someone I didn’t know at this time two years ago, and having her as my best cheerleader is only a plus. She is the only one who knows I write, and I picked the perfect person to keep my secret safe. Thank you, Rita.

(Also, thank you @alicedoesntsharefood and @littlechilllarrie, especially, for essentially counseling me from Europe. Real MVP’s.)

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

The death in 7 Up was based on the way my cousin passed away a few years ago, and Louis’ hesitancy/anxiety in This Wicked Game was also based on a personal experience. I’ve also written a lot of locations I’m familiar with!

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Writing is fucking hard. If anyone told you it’s easy, they’re lying, or a robot. Write for yourself, not for others, and if you’re not happy with it, keep working. Push through. The end results are always worth it, even when it seems absolutely impossible.

You’re a writer. If you write one word or 100,000, if you publish it or not, you’re a writer. Chant it over and over again until you believe it.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’m very excited about what I’m working on now - a love to hate to love fake relationship au (??? that’s aggressive, sorry). It has a lot of angst and comedy and tension and these are a few of my favorite things.

I also have plans to start an amnesia fic within the year - thank you @cuethetommo for putting that idea into my head because now it’s all I think about and I kind of hate you for it. But I love what I have going on in my head, so far, and I’m eager to write something that’s a popular trope without having it be repetitive. A challenge!

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

Who hasn’t been tagged yet?! I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for a week and I feel like most people have done it already! I’m sorry if I tagged you and you already completed this!

@a-writerwrites @tobeakingbesideyousomehow @coffeelouis

Three people who have been wonderfully encouraging in the past year, and I know they have been working hard, themselves! I hope 2017 is a wonderful year for you! You’re much deserving x

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*All answers should be about works published in 2016. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want. :)