#but now I just feel like shit that I put a lot of effort into putting a tutorial together
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WISH YOU WERE SOBER
sum: confessing to him when youâre drunk
pairing: kinich x gn reader
contains: drunken confession, slight mention of his backstory
a/n: i was listening to âwish you were soberâ by Conan Gray and thought of this, this is my first fic so uhhhh enjoy đđâď¸ i have not written a fanfic since middle school and im high asf rn so it might be bad LOL might be ooc
âââââââââââââââââââââââââââ
This party's shit
Kinich sat around while everyone else was celebrating, he saw how you drank bottle after bottle. It hurt to see someone he cared about so deeply drink, it reminded him of his father, who he hated. But he couldnât hate you, even if he tried.
wish we could dip, go anywhere but here
After a while you sat next to him, he didnât want to come; he came for you. You excitedly asked if he was going to the celebration your tribe was having, he only agreed because he knew you would be there.
Don't take a hit, don't kiss my lips
You were awfully clingy when drunk, an equally drunk mualani had to pry you off her. You did the same to him; trying to hug him.
âI love you so much thank you for being my friend!â you cried
friend.
Thatâs all he was to you, just a friend.
And please don't drink more beer
He took the bottle away from you, he didnât want you to be sick in the morning. He rolled his eyes as you reached for it, whining.
âJust a little bit~ Come on! It- it wonât hurt..!â
âYou drank enough for tonightâ
But this is definitely not my crowd
He didnât really talk to anyone from your tribe besides you and (whoever else is in your tribe that has interacted with him), but he made an effort to come. He poured what was left of the liquor onto the floor and left the bottle on the crate he was sitting.
Take me where the music ain't too loud
Even though you were drunk you could tell he wasnât comfortable.
âI want to take a walkâ
âA walk? Right now? Youâre not in a state to even speak properly, much less walk.â
ââŚCan you take me home?..Iâm tiredâ
He watched as you said goodbye to your friends but couldnât help but feel jealous. The way you hugged everyone so tightly, you never hugged him like that. When you would they would be quick, barely holding him, or maybe even just a side hug.
Trip down the road, walking you home
âLetâs go trouble magnetâ
He put an arm around your waist holding you up so you wouldnât fall, you could barely walk and he was annoyed, sad even.
âThe stars are so prettyâ
âItâs really hot..â
âWoah look at the moon!â
He was getting tired of your endless sentences. He couldnât understand how you could be such a heavy drinker. Was it a coping skill? He went through a lot and never thought about picking up a bottle. Did you enjoy the feeling? He wouldnât know, he always swore to never try it. He didnât want to end up like him.
Pullin' me close, beg me, "Stay over"
âCan you spend the night? P-please?â
He looked down at your drunken state, eyes half lidded, cheeks red; you looked so beautiful. He was always confused on how you were never like his father when drunk, you were always smiling, laughing, dancing, the complete opposite of him.
But I'm over this roller-coaster
He listened to you talk about whatever popped up into your mind, he turned to look at you after youâve been quiet for some time. You were just looking at him, his lips.
âThis- this is a dream right..?â
He looked at you confused, dream? Where did that come from?
âSure, yeah this is a dreamâ
He didnât think anything of it, were you going to tell him an embarrassing memory? A secret no one else was supposed to know? Or- no. You would never..
He looked at you, the moon light making you look almost angelic. He noticed you looking at his lips and then his eyes.
âIf this is a dream then i canâŚâ
Time felt like it stopped.
Did you just- kiss him?
You pulled away, whispering an âI really like youâ before passing out almost immediately. He just sat there, a million thoughts rushing through his head. What the hell just happened? He looked down at you and noticed a small smile.
Real sweet, but I wish you were sober
#kinich x reader#kinich#malipo kinich#genshin impact#genshin x reader#genshin impact x reader#kinich fluff#kinich angst
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Fall and Winter 2024 Mailbag Grab Bag
AND WE'RE BACK!
Because we got bogged down in life stuff for the back half of the year, we built up more than a few questions in our inbox. Come listen to us talk about genre fatigue, our thoughts on the BL Bubble, and an hour-long discussion about sex scenes.
Timestamps
The timestamps will now correspond with chapters on Spotify for easier navigation.
00:00:00 - Welcome 00:01:15 - Introduction 00:02:10 - Inbox: Surprises of the Season 00:07:07 - Inbox: Does Categorization Matter? 00:11:42 - Inbox: BL Fatigue? 00:15:51 - Inbox: The BL Bubble 00:30:26 - Inbox: Sex On Screen 00:41:07 - Inbox: Fave Sex Scenes 00:51:24 - Inbox: Worst Sex Scenes 01:04:24 - Bonus Round: Best Sex in a Bad Show 01:06:54 - Inbox: Critical Philosophy 01:18:31 - Outro
The Conversation Transcripts!
Thanks to the continued efforts of @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader, we are able to bring you transcripts of the episodes.
We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes (Coming soon thanks to @wen-kexing-apologist). When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.
Please send our volunteers your thanks!
00:00:00 - Welcome
NiNi
Welcome to The Conversation About BL, aka The Brown Liquor Podcast.
Ben
And there it is. Iâm Ben.
NiNi
Iâm NiNi.
Ben
And weâre youâre drunk Caribbean uncle and auntie here sitting on the porch in the rocking chairs.
NiNi
Four times a year we pop in to talk about whatâs going on in the BL world.
Ben
We shoot the shit about stories and all the drama going into them. I review from a queer media lens.
NiNi
And I review from a romance and drama lens.
Ben
So if you like cracked-out takes and really intense emotional analysisâŚ
NiNi
If you like talking about artistry, industry, and the discourseâŚ
Ben
And if you generally just love simpingâŚ
NiNi
There is a lot of simping on this podcastâŚ
Ben
We are the show for you!
00:01:15 Introduction
BenÂ
And we're back. It has been so long since we've been in the booth together. We are getting to our asks like a regular Tumblr blogâsix months late.Â
NiNiÂ
Sounds about right? Yep.Â
BenÂ
We appreciate all of you for being patient with us. It has been a very difficult half year for me and NiNi, but we did get your questions and we did answer them. So sit back and relax and I think we've got, like, an hour of answers for you guys.Â
NiNiÂ
Almost two hours bestie.Â
BenÂ
Oh my God! It is what it is. Shan will be joining us for these, so you will get to enjoy her lovely voice and insights. We will see you in the questions.Â
00:02:33 - Inbox: Surprises of the Season
NiNi
Let's start with the inbox. Shan, you wanna take us in?
Shan
All right. First question today comes from @wen-kexing-apologist, and they write: âWhich show was the biggest surprise, positive or negative, for you this season and what made it surprising?â
Ben
Biggest surprise positive is definitely Tadaima, Okaeri. I was not expecting to love an omegaverse project this much. I was not really expecting to love a show that relied heavily on a toddler to be one of my favorite shows, either. I had such a blast with that.Â
My biggest surprise negative⌠I think it's 23.5. I was not expecting that show to feel as disjointed as it was. I was not expecting Fonâs show to have the problems it was gonna have in it at all. I was not expecting perfect, but I was not expecting the confusion I felt from that show.Â
Ben
All right, Shan, biggest surprises of the season for you?
Shan
I'll start positive. I will shout out Unknown. I did not expect a high quality Taiwanese BL to fall out of the sky and it was quite a delight for me. That show gave me some proper brain rot for a while. I immediately went out and read the novel and I was super into the weekly discussions. That was a super positive experience, even though the end of the show was a little bit disappointing.Â
On the negative end, it was kind of a rough season [laugh], so there are so many I could talk about, but I wanna give a special spotlight to one of the most baffling shows I've ever seen in my life. It's called Love Is Like A Cat, andâ
NiNi
[laughs] You watched that?!
Ben
Man.
Shan
[laughs] I did watch it, bestie! I did, I watched every single episode.Â
NiNi
Oh noooo.
Ben
Oh myâŚ
Shan
So, Love Is Like A Cat was this Korean and Thai BL collaboration. It wasn't the first time that happened, but it was promoted as if it was gonna be kind of a big deal. I always watch Korean BL and I'm very interested in these cross-country collaborations so I went in, not necessarily expecting a show of all time, but thinking that it would be an interesting project that would maybe make some [laughs] interesting connections across those cultural traditions. No, that is not what happened.Â
I was baffled every single week of that show about what it thought it was doing and why. The basic premise is that this Thai actor is afraid of dogs and he has to, for career reasons, go on this reality show where he works at an animal shelter.Â
The thing about this show that is amazing is that they completely neglected the actual romance between the humans. There was never any point where you believed that these two people liked each other. But the love story between this actor and the dog that he was afraid of was [laughs] actually kind of touching?
NiNi
Oh no.
Shan
But also extremely poorly executed. One of the weirdest experiences of my life, I don't understand how that project got made. I can tell that the people who made it were similarly very disappointed with how it turned out because nobody promoted it. They really tried to release it as quietly as possible, and none of the actors in it talked about it.Â
One of the weirdest flops I have seen, just kind of a big what the fuck to me, like, how did that happen? How did this get made this way? Why was the story about the dog the best part of the show? It was a strange one.
Ben
I'm just gonna go watch the end of Homeward Bound instead.
[all laugh]
Shan
I do recommend, I think you'll be better off if you're looking for good dog content.
NiNi
Wasn't there a Vietnamese cat BL that likeâ
Ben
We're not gonna talk about it.
[NiNi laughs]
Shan
That one was also real fuckinâ weird. Choco Milk Shake did something cool, and then a lot of other people thought they could get in on that, and no, they cannot. They need to stop.
Ben
Speaking of Korean BL and surprise disappointments, Boys Be Brave is also my near second disappointment, because that was from the director who did Our Dating Sim. So I went into that one super positively disposed towards it and did not have a great time.
NiNi
Well for me, hmm, in terms of things that surprised me positively, even though Love is Better the Second Time Around did not end well, I still was quite surprised by how well the first two-thirds of it held up.Â
Negative surprise. Yeah. I gotta agree with Ben. It's definitely 23.5. I was anticipating this so much and I expected it to be good. And it just wasn't. And I don't want to say much more about it, âcause I think I said a lot about it on its own episode.
00:07:07 - Inbox: Does Categorization Matter?
NiNi
Okay, Shan, what's our next question?Â
Shan
Next question from @avorbl. How much has the categorization of My Strawberry Film as romance by Gaga, MDL, etc. influenced your reception and rating?
Ben
[laughs] This is such a shady fucking question.
NiNI
I have not watched this one so y'all have to tell me, why is it shady?
Ben
My Strawberry Film is the final outing from Drama Shower. In both seasons of Drama Shower I believe they attempted to do something original. The MBS team decided to do kind of like an indie coming of age type of film, but over the course of eight weeks, 23 minutes at a time⌠and it was boring as hell. What avor, I believe, is hinting at here is that they released it as a romance. The BL viewing audience is going to be invested in this boyâs closeted crush on his closest male friend and maybe navigating the drama of his friend having a crush on a mysterious girl who shows up. And then there's a second girl who has a crush on our gay boy and they have to sort all of this out.Â
There could have been some interesting stuff here, particularly because mystery girl might be queer? But, it's boring and it's moody in ways that film types like me can enjoy at a film festival, but not over the course of eight weeks. I don't mind a moody film that just hangs out in teenage malaise for a good 90 minutes. That can be an interesting emotional experience, but My Strawberry Film, being billed as a romance was extremely frustrating because none of the romances are really compelling and none of them succeed in a way that was interesting. It just was not what we thought we were signing up for, and because we were constantly out of alignment with it, it was a deeply unsatisfying experience.Â
I know Shan suffered through this with me. Shan, any commentary you wanna offer here?
Shan
I watch a lot of drama across all different genres. I can get down with a lot of different types of stories. So for me, the main problem with this show is not that it was miscategorized. The main problem with it is that it fucking sucked.Â
The entire thing is designed to leave you unsatisfied in a way that I don't actually think supported its themes or ultimately delivered a message that was aligned with it being hosted on a queer platform. There was a backstory with one of the charactersâ mothers who had had these feelings for her female best friend that she thought were unrequited. She met a tragic end. She died. Later in the show we find out that her best friend regrets and did return her feelings.Â
So, in this show about everybody liking somebody who doesn't like them back and a bunch of one-sided loves that all end in failure, the only requited love story was with the dead person who was not alive to know that her love was requited. I don't know what the show was trying to say with that. But what they communicated with the way that the story played out was that being queer is lonely and miserable and destined to end in despair. And I found that just such an [laughs] offensive message in a showâ
Ben
It sucked!
Shan
âthat was part of Drama Shower. I was like, what the fuck is this? On top of all of that, it also was just so fucking boring. It was such a slog, but because it was part of Drama Shower, some of us hung in there trying to see what it was trying to do, trying to understand how it belonged in this line up of projects. I do not know what the person who created this was trying to say, or if they thought they were saying something different than what ultimately was communicated by their story, but I hated it. Blech.
Ben
And that's all we're gonna say about that. It was an ignoble end for a very cool project.
00:11:42 - Inbox: BL Fatigue?
Shan
Let me change moods. This is from @mynameisnotthepoint and they write âHi. First of all, I really enjoyed the spring season of the podcast. My question is: because BL is so big now and many of us are experiencing fatigue with some of the stories being told, is there a type of premise or trope or genre in BL that you find yourself gravitating towards, and if so, why?â
Ben
I'm gonna unpack the question a little bit. I am not experiencing fatigue necessarily, with familiarity with BL, I'm experiencing fatigue with BL consistently ending on a shit note. [laughs] I just desperately need them to just take any premise that they're trying to tackle seriously and complete it within the expectations of the character motivations that they're committed to or, but hopefully and, the narrative that they're trying to set up. I just desperately need the shows to be good more often than they are. It is so frustrating that so many of these shows just veer off of whatever course that they try to set us on. Some of them for commercial reasons, some of them for âlook how clever I am reasons.â I don't really know, I just really need these shows to stop shitting the bed and I would be less tired.Â
As for what I find myself gravitating towards, I am far more interested in queer life drama that also features romance than I am in queer romance in and of itself.Â
Shan, you watch too many dramas!
Shan
Mmm.
Ben
[laughs] What type of premise, trope, or genre are you drawn to in BL currently?
Shan
Similar to you, Ben, it's not really about the genre or the premise for me. I can watch a good story about just about anything. So for me, it's really not about what the concept is, it's about how it's executed. My great frustration right now with a lot of the BL I'm watching is I feel like the story is the lowest priority. So many of these shows are more about promoting something, whether that be an actor or a couple or a brand, more than they're about telling good stories. And that's where my frustration lies.Â
I will take anything you wanna throw at me. Give me all of your ideas. Give me all of your concepts. I will watch the same basic formulaic romcom eight billion times if you execute it well. I will also watch your super out there weird idea if you execute it well. For me it's just about the execution, so, I just really wanna see BL that cares about story. I wanna see BLs that understand that you need good writing to have a good story. That's where my hopes are right now for the genre.
Ben
NiNi, where are you sitting on this?
NiNi
I think I'm sittinâ in the corner with Shan. I am not somebody who gets fatigued by watching the same thing over and over if it's done really well. So, it's not a question of premises or tropes or genres fatiguing me. It's a question of things needing to be executed. On some level, I do enjoy rewriting [laughs] some of these shots in my head after the fact, especially if the premise was strong to begin with, but I am also kind of annoyed that I have to do it in my head and I don't get to see it on the screen.Â
So, what I find myself gravitating towards? Something that's well done and written all the way to the end. That would be nice. I just wanna tell everybody: stop trying to be surprising or water cooler worthy and just write a solid show.Â
00:15:51 - Inbox: The BL Bubble
ShanÂ
Okay, next question! @troubled-mind writes: âI very much enjoy shows that exist in a so-called bubble, let's say Our Dating Sim, and those that firmly don't, like the brilliant Marahuyo Project. Still, I feel like there are cases of shows that want to have a cake and eat a cake in that regard. Keep things on the lighter side as if in a bubble, but also try tackling queer issues like homophobia and prejudice at the same time. This just doesn't sit right with me sometimes. So my question is: what do you think is the most challenging aspect for creators when they attempt to get outside the bubble? And what potential misdeeds would you still forgive and which are too much to overlook?âÂ
NiNiÂ
Ben, you wanna go first or last?Â
BenÂ
Probably last âcause I feel like I'm gonna go on a rant. [all laugh] We talked about this a lot on the show and I'm probably gonna rehash a lot. Before I dominate the conversation on this, I think I wanna get some of your reactions first, NiNi.Â
NiNiÂ
Hmm, let's see, what is the most challenging aspect for creators when they attempt to get outside of the bubble? I think tone is a big part of it. I think that's probably the thing that suffers most with, especially creators who are accustomed to working inside of the bubble, trying to either straddle it or work outside of it. They don't get the tone of what they're doing quite right. And it's not to say that it can't be, you know, light hearted or comedic or all of that. But it does, if you're going outside of the bubble, need to feel queer. And it doesn't always do that.Â
What potential misdeeds would I forgive? Ooh [laughs].Â
BenÂ
Be honest. Go ahead. You just thought of an answer right there. [Ben and Shan laugh] Just say it. Say it with your chest.Â
NiNiÂ
No, I wouldn't actually forgive that. [laughs] I was thinking of something but then I was like, âNo, really would you forgive that?â I'm like, no, no I wouldnât and no, I haven't in the past.Â
What I won't forgive is getting the sex wrong. Like getting how queer people interact in a sexual way. Getting that wrong, I'm just like âOh, what are you doing, you don't know what you're talking about, or you're trying to appeal to an audience this is not really for. Stop this, I don't like this.â When we're talking about BL in particular. There's a lot of penetrative sex talk and penetrative sex action that goes on and I'm just like, this is not where boys start. And whenever they start that way in a BL, especially one that's trying to be outside of the bubble. I'm like, no, this does not feel right. I don't like this. This is not correct. This is not how it would go. And it can just kind of lose any sense of authenticity that story may have had. I can't suspend my disbelief any longer, I just. I lose it.Â
What about you, Shan? What do you think about the challenging aspects and potential misdeeds?Â
ShanÂ
I really agree with the point that you just made. In a narrative that is trying to be authentically queer, to be a little bit more rooted in a real world sensibility, not understanding how queer people actually engage with sex is a big immersion breaker, I guess? It kinda just pulls you out.Â
I think it's helpful to give a couple illustrative examples of, like, where we've seen this before. Bad Buddy is the quintessential bubble/not bubble show that actually did it very well. Bad Buddy exists in a world without homophobia, but they layered a very clear allegory for homophobia onto the story. And so you still had Pat and Pran having to deal with a lot of the very same issues that they would have had in a homophobic world because of this rift between their families and the unacceptability of their relationship. That's a very elegant way to tell a story where you don't have to get directly into homophobia, but you are still having the characters kind of experience the beats of homophobia in how it would affect their relationship.Â
And then you have a show like Only Boo that tried to also straddle this line and did it very poorly. They struggled with, I think to your earlier point, NiNi, tone a lot in wanting to have this kind of like, shiny, happy, fluffy show, but also have real stakes. And then wanting to just ignore those stakes and not deal with them whenever they got in the way. So there was a lot of conflicting information in the show about what mattered and what didn't. And it got in the way of the story ultimately, and derailed the main narrative.Â
When I think about what is challenging when you're trying to get outside the bubble, in Thai BL in particular, there is, I think, a dedication to keeping these stories relatively light and romance focused and wanting to always deliver happy endings. And that can often be very much in tension with trying to engage with the reality of homophobia. There is still a lot of cultural homophobia, and the shows that they make in the BL space have very intentionally skirted that for the most part, and so, trying to venture into that space, into getting a little bit more real, but then also maintaining that tone of the shiny happy place and making sure that everyone gets a happy ending can often be in tension. That's where shows like Only Boo kind of go off the rails and really struggle. If you're going to deal with homophobia, you have to actually deal with it, and it might mean that the authentic ending of your story is not a typical romance ending. And I think that's a really hard thing for most creators to do in a way that feels satisfying.Â
I think in terms of what I can forgive or not, I do want to give credit to the shows that try to get outside this bubble more, because they're trying to do something a little bit more difficult. I wanna give credit to these shows for attempting things that have a higher degree of difficulty, attempting to build an authentic romance narrative in a less than ideal world. But, there are certain things that you do have to make sure you get right. And for me it comes back to that narrative integrity piece. It's not that there are specific acts or specific endings that I can never accept under any circumstances. It's more that whatever happens in the story and whatever the resolutions are, they do need to feel like an authentic possibility that springs from the conflicts that the story introduced. And what breaks a show for me is when they introduce conflicts rooted in homophobia, that they then don't take seriously and just brush aside when they get too difficult to deal with. That is what breaks the fictional world immersion for me and makes the show feel like a failure.Â
Ben, please start your rant.Â
BenÂ
The issue when you go outside the bubble is people with money are trying to make money off of BL, which means they're just trying to make money off of romance tropes that they can produce as cheaply as possible to maximize the fan engagement and then monetize the actors into advertising deals and fan events afterwards. That's how the market for this functions.Â
The harsh way to say this is the audience is here for gay romance, theyâre not here for gay drama. They don't actually care about the lives of queer people. They're just here to enjoy some romance and then go about their lives. This is not meant as a sort of chiding for the people who are in the genre for romance exclusively, but it is one of the major contributing factors for me for why we have this tension between those of us who are here for queer drama and often will bounce from romances that are just kind of schlocky, as a result.Â
@troubled-mind brought up Our Dating Sim. Our Dating Sim is what we might call a technically in the bubble show because they don't say the words gay in that show, but it doesn't feel like a bubble show to me because there's no rationale for any of the movements of that story that makes sense if either boy was straight and existed in a world without homophobia. That story only works if you read them as queer.Â
Dealing with this tension of, how do we get funding to tell stories? And then how do we balance the goals of the people with money, the audience that they think they're trying to reach, and maybe trying to tell the stories about queerness that matter to us? It's expensive to pay people and hire people to be on these sets, and it's hard to get the distribution deals you need because of some of the rules and such. It's a niche genre. What's, like, a very specific appeal. It does not get a lot of engagement and if the margins are that thin, we're not gonna see bravery that often in this, because how does that translate into dollars for them? Do people who want to sell juice and toothpaste and cars and motorcycles and stickers and chips want to put their products alongside biting social commentary? I don't know. Like, we're in a global backslide into fascism right now, and we can feel money drying up and organizations shutting down and former allies being quiet when we need them. Itâs a rough time out here. It's hard when you're trying to juggle the goals of commercializing romance, the goals of commercializing pretty actors, and the goals of telling meaningful queer stories. It's very hard to really serve all of those goals really well. You can usually serve two of them, but not all three. It sucks!Â
What misdeeds would I forgive? Bad acting. The first thing I'm willing to forgive in a show that is really compelling is bad acting. Make It Right is the quintessential [laughs] example of that.Â
ShanÂ
[laughs] No, donât pick on my boys! [NiNi laughs]
BenÂ
Look.
Shan
They were so little! Leave them alone!
Ben
They were, they were.Â
What is too much for me to overlook? Like a specific blend of sexual violence, I think. It doesn't come up as often these days. But I was here in some of the early days where there was a lot of âI can't hold back anymoreâ stuff that's not very pleasant to engage with. That's one that I just do not enjoy.Â
ShanÂ
I feel like you also tend to get particularly angry with shows when it feels like they steered away from the more queer direction that they could have headed in.Â
BenÂ
That's a good point. Let me define that properly 'cause I did get a little bit lost in my rant. There's a couple of key things, I think, that are at the heart of queer storytelling for me. One is being othered and recognizing that in yourself often times before other people, or immediately after someone else clocks it. Like, a big part of being queer is being queer, literally weird! You are not in step with the developmental progression that a lot of other people around you are on. There is something different about you. And it makes you feel separate from others as a result. If I don't feel that from at least one of the characters, I don't always feel like I connect to them. Another thing is if they're not out, why are they not out? Because part of why you stay in the closet is because you are terrified of the massive social and economic changes you're about to face as a result of being out.Â
Those are probably the two key things. It has to be the sense of being othered and the real concern about not fitting in and possibly being discarded.Â
ShanÂ
That was a great question.Â
BenÂ
Thank you for humoring my rant, NiNi and Shan.Â
[Ben and Shan laugh]
ShanÂ
I don't know how much of that you all will get to hear, but it was all amazing.Â
NiNiÂ
One thing that Ben said that actually made me think what I could forgive. He said bad acting. Sometimes?
[Ben and NiNi laugh]Â
ShanÂ
You canât forgive bad acting, NiNi, I donât think you everâ
[all laugh]
BenÂ
Hold on. Where's the tape? Hold on. Is this you?
[Ben and Shan laugh]
NiNiÂ
Sometimes I will forgive bad acting.Â
ShanÂ
Under certain conditions.Â
NiNiÂ
Yeah, under certain conditions. Well, one thing I will definitely forgive is a certain level of production quality, I will find a way to enjoy low production quality if the story is good enough.Â
ShanÂ
I agree. We try to meet a show where it's at. We really appreciate that some of these folks are out here tryinâ to make good queer stories on a shoestring budget, and we don't hold that against them.Â
BenÂ
We hold everything else against them. Looking real hard at you, Oxin Films.Â
[all laugh]
ShanÂ
Oh my god, I don't wanna talk about Oxin Films.Â
NiNiÂ
Yes, but also, My Dear Gangster Oppa. Thatâs all I'm gonna say.Â
ShanÂ
Don't even try it!
BenÂ
Oh lord. Here we go again.Â
[all laugh]
NiNiÂ
I'm sorry, I will be haunted by that orange scar makeup. Haunted.Â
ShanÂ
Ben has quoted âquit the gangster lifeâ at me twice in the last 24 hours.Â
BenÂ
Itâs true.
NiNiÂ
I mean, he's not wrong.Â
00:30:26 - Inbox: Sex On Screen
ShanÂ
Let's go to the next question, which is quite a humdinger. So, this is long, strap in, folks. I'm going to read it all and then we'll come back and answer it piece by piece. @parralex0889 writes: âI'm reeling from being whelmed by the end of 4 Minutes, so I was thinking about the positives and I really enjoyed how sex was depicted and talked about in the series. Great gets picked up unexpectedly by Tyme, and when they get home, Great very pointedly pauses and says he needs to shower first and they potentially do a redo of that in the finale, as well. Tonkla, a character who openly asks for raw sex twice and eventually gets it. Great having his own condoms and no shame about it. I really enjoyed that these characters are allowed to have ownership and pride and desire and life and characterization through their sex and attraction. Even earlier in the year in WandeeâWandee Gooddayâthere's a little moment when Cher exits the bathroom before going to bed with Yei, and to me, I could easily project a certain, âthe water's running clean and I'm ready for actionâ in Cher's movements. So to make this into a question or three, do yâall have any stand out âthis is how real people engage in sex in reality,â instead of the perfect TV sex that BL and BL-adjacent shows often lean into? Second, favorite BL sex scenes in general? Third, which sex scenes have been yâalls worst, either in execution or bad chemistry?â
So, that's the full question. Let me take this piece by piece that we can tackle all of. First of all, we haven't talked about 4 Minutes and Wandee Goodday specifically on the pod. So maybe we should just start there. Alex is suggesting that both of those shows were pretty good with their depictions of sex, and so maybe we should just talk a little bit about that first in our impressions.Â
NiNiÂ
I mean, can I start with a liked it, hated it? [laughs]
BenÂ
Good. Go for it, girl!
[all laugh]
NiNiÂ
I liked 4 Minutes more, I think, than you two did. The ending wasn't everything that I wanted, but I was still pretty satisfied with it. Wandee Goodday fell off the rails about, what? Halfway through and never got back on the rails, and I'm still pissed off when I think about it because it could have been so good. What was the reason?!Â
I had to get that off my spirit before I actually engaged with the question.Â
BenÂ
Hydrate, baby.Â
[NiNi and Shan laugh]
NiNiÂ
But in terms of how the sex is depicted in these two, I liked how Wandee Goodday tackled sex in the beginning. How they tackled a friends with benefits relationship and how they tackled them having a sexual relationship and speaking openly about sex and the way that they enjoyed sex and the things that they wanted to do. I liked that they showed them having different kinds of sex. I liked that they joked about sex and they had a good time with it. When things started getting confusing for them emotionally, it still didn't stop them from having sex, which I liked because so often these shows treat sex and romance or sex and love as these separate entities that somehow sex is sex and love is love and somehow love and sex can't be intertwined in that way. And so that was the thing that I did enjoy about Wandee, the fact that they intertwined sex and fun, energetic, engaging sex and love, not just soft focus, tender touching, missionary. [laughs] And then it went off the rails, but not gonna dwell on that too much at this point.Â
4 Minutes is a different show. It's not so much about the relationship between these characters, and that's one of the reasons I think that I enjoyed it because I didn't see 4 Minutes as a romance or anything involving a romance. These two characters bumped into each other. They had sex, they got way too entangled because of a host of other reasons. Tonkla and Korn had a very interesting dynamic that involved, like, a lot of power dynamics that I feel like the show didn't entirely engage with and I would have liked to see more of. And then Tonka and Win and the way that they had sex also showed a lot of interesting power dynamics that were flipped from Tonkla and Kornâs, and I liked watching that, I liked seeing the show tackle sex sort of outside of the lens of love. So I did enjoy that about it. But to me, 4 Minutes was not about romance so the conversations about sex were in a completely different direction.Â
I am the sex and story girl. I'm the person who wants to see, like, what is the sex telling us about these characters and their relationship and their power dynamics and their, all these different things. And I got, like, a smorgasbord of that, I think in 4 Minutes. So I quite enjoyed how these two shows actually tackle sex.Â
ShanÂ
I agree with that. I have many issues with 4 Minutes but none of them were about the use of sex [laughs] in the show. I thought that the show was very smart in how it used sex to inform character. I really appreciate when a show that is about hot young adult men who have sexual desire lets them actually have sex and doesn't put weird purity principles around the context in which they can do that. And so I just appreciated how real that felt. To Alex's point in the question, that they actually did address in some of those sex scenes actual important stuff like sexual health and the way things actually work and having to clean up and all of that stuff that is normally skipped over in romance. I thought they were pretty good about that and that was one of the aspects of the show that I liked a lot, despite thinking that the whole thing didn't hold together all that well.Â
Wandee Goodday I think a little bit less credit there, though I do appreciate that they acknowledged casual sex as a thing. I thought they also got a little weird about it in places where suddenly the two main characters stopped having sex for reasons that never made any sense to me whatsoever, but they eventually skipped over that, there was just a lot of weirdness in that show in general. But I do agree with NiNi's point about the way that they depicted sex as fun, and I think that's something we don't see enough. We don't see enough either of sex between committed couples and I thought that was a really great part of what Wandee Goodday did with Oyei and Cher, showed them as a long term happy couple that had a really active sex life and really enjoyed that aspect of their relationship together. We don't get to see much of that. I really appreciated that aspect of that show, despite really [laughs] sharing NiNiâs ire about the way that the story went.Â
NiNiÂ
Bestie, I'm so mad.Â
ShanÂ
Hee hee weâre gonna be mad forever about that. You have to understand, folks, that NiNi and I were so invested [laughs] in this show being good.Â
NiNiÂ
So invested.Â
ShanÂ
We were so excited for it and then when it went bad, it was just so disappointing. Ugh.
Ben, how about you?Â
BenÂ
It's difficult. I think I care oftentimes less about the physical mechanics of the sex when there's something interesting happening with the characters in the moment. I feel like I only really get caught up in the mechanics of some of the sexual stuff when they're fuckinâ up the story around it. I do like when the shows represent the kind of sex that guys are probably having with each other. Like I don't mind how much penetrative sex that they want to do if it's like Alex says, where, you see guys dealing with some of the physical preparatory realities of that.Â
ShanÂ
Why don't we get into some of the other questions, âcause we're starting to get more into specifics. The next specific question that Alex asked is, âdo we have any stand out âthis is how real people engage in sex in reality,â instead of the perfect TV sex that BL and BL-adjacent shows often lean into?â
Shout out to Alex for giving us this chance to talk about Knock Knock Boys!
BenÂ
Heeeey!Â
[all laugh]
ShanÂ
âCause it is definitely the standout Asian BL of this year for what does sex look like in reality. There was anâwhat I consider iconic and was iconic to the tiny community of us who watchedâthis sex scene between the characters Almond and Latte, who were having sex for the first time, and it was just a great and funny and compassionate comedy of errors, of them trying to work through the awkwardness and find the right positions and get comfortable with each other. It was a very charming and funny scene. I haven't seen anything like that previously in BL. Usually they're very preoccupied with trying to make things look sexy. This was not sexy, but it was very loving and I thought that was such a great sex scene.Â
BenÂ
That sequence really does a great job of showing people, like, communing in the act and trying to take care of each other and deal with their nerves and all the other stuff that they bring to the table. I also liked the lead up to that where Almond talked to his friends about how he was feeling. It was nice that Thanwa and Peak also finally let go of a lot of stuff that was hanging over them and they were far more relaxed around each other for the rest of the show, clearly having a good time.
ShanÂ
And I like the contrast, their characters are older. They're both sexually experienced, so, like, sex for them was a more relaxed affair all around. They weren't confused about what to do. Almond and Latte are younger. It was Almondâs very first time and it was Latte's first time with someone he was in love with, so they were more nervous.Â
NiNiÂ
You know me, I'm always gonna go to the Philippines. The ones that really stand out to me, the Gameboys movie. I think that one felt very real.Â
Shan
Perf.
NiNi
The season 2 cut is a better version of the movie. And then there's a lot of these Filipino quarantine dramas that I think did really well. Quaranthings, Meet Me Outside got me into the headspace of yes, this is how something like this would go.Â
BenÂ
To finish off on Alex's question, none of these shows are ever going to have somebody talking about prep in a meaningful way that isn't like a quick line, like, nobody's going to make a booty water joke in these shows.Â
ShanÂ
[laughs] So yeah, we can only get so close to reality in Asian BL, letâs not get unrealistic with our expectations.Â
BenÂ
They ainât making that joke.Â
ShanÂ
No. [laughs]
00:41:07 - Inbox: Fave Sex Scenes
ShanÂ
All right. So let's transition to the next part of Alex's question, which is what are our favorite BL sex scenes in general?Â
NiNiÂ
It's always gonna be, for me, Kinnporsche Episode 7 in the bathroom. The mutual masturbation scene. That's one of my favorites of all time.Â
Shan
Mmm. Thatâs a good one.
BenÂ
That's a good highlight. I have a lot of issues with Be On Cloud, that is not one of them.Â
Shan
Yeah, Be On Cloud is good at sex.
NiNiÂ
I really liked the way that the scene is constructed and what it says about the characters and where they're at in the moment and how it evolves as it goes along emotionally, and then the fact that it is a mutual masturbation scene and not penetrative sex or an oral sex scene. Which is the most give and take that you can do simultaneously as two gay men. I think it was really good and it's one of my favorites.Â
ShanÂ
There's some pretty decent examples of really good sex in the genre. I think in terms of other Thai BL, I would shout out the shows from MeMindY, which are made by a person whose name I will pronounce⌠May [MAME]. AndâÂ
[Ben and Shan laugh]
NiNiÂ
Y'all, we got told we've been pronouncing it wrong, but we cannot make the mommy pun. I'm sorry. We just can't do it.Â
ShanÂ
I'm not calling her mommy, Iâm not doing it. So you're just gonna have to live with it.Â
So, what I love about her shows is, I think that they use sex very well both as part of the narrative and as part of characterization and as legitimately part of the romance arc. Her shows believe that couples who are in love also have hot sex, which might not sound that revolutionary, but is in this genre, believe me, because most shows only allow hot sex scenes between characters who are in a toxic relationship or characters who are about to break up. That is not true in her shows. You see hot, loving sex before and after relationships start. You see casual hot sex, you see committed, loving hot sex in her shows and she really stands apart on that, her shows do, in the genre, so it's something I definitely want to shout out. TharnType, Love in the Air, I thought Wedding Planâs sex scenes were fantastic. They really allow you to see sex as just a normal part of the romance arc and not something that is separated out and othered in any kind of way.Â
BenÂ
We cannot overstate when it comes to the work she does, that in most cases her characters have the best sex after they get together. We don't see a sudden drop off after they get together.Â
ShanÂ
Love Sea, which we just finished recently, was a great example of that. The sex got better as they got closer and as they fell more in love. And that's pretty common for the trajectories of her romances.Â
Another example that I'll bring up, and I did clear this already with Ben. You know it's coming, Ben, so brace yourself.Â
BenÂ
Let me just mute now. [Shan laughs]
NiNiÂ
Oh God.Â
ShanÂ
I think we can't talk about good sex in BL without talking about History 3: Make Our Days Count. Taiwan is known for very good intimacy scenes, and it is the pinnacle of what they can do when all cylinders are firing in terms of having sex scenes that are part of character, that are part of the narrative arc, that are part of the relationship development, and that are very well performed between actors with extremely good chemistry. Just all around fantastic and Make Our Days Count has the best sex scenes in Taiwanese BL. It's just true. There's controversy around that show, understandably. It's one of my favorites. I know a lot of people don't like it for very fair reasons, but the sex scenes in that show and its depiction of intimacy between people who are falling in love is just top notch.Â
NiNiÂ
Man, Sunbo and Zhigang in the gym bathroom.Â
ShanÂ
Hoo!Â
NiNi
Quality.
Shan
Bestie, I think about it all the time, still. It just comes into my mind and I'm like, ooh, yes, that happened!Â
NiNiÂ
I mean, it's so much to it as well. The fact that it happens in the gym bathroom after hours, this, like, this feels like something that could really happen.Â
ShanÂ
And we talk about Taiwanese BL and its style with sex scenes. It feels very raw, I think in a way that a lot of the more stylized shows don't. It hits harder because it feels like something that could really be happening, and it feels like it's the way that it would be happening.Â
BenÂ
There's great examples of that kind of intimacy in History 3: Trapped. There's the bandage kissing scene, which is one of the most intimate scenes we've had in a while. They don't actually have sex in that moment, but man is that one of the most charged scenes in that whole series. And then there's the birthday cake scene after Meng Shaofeiâs been gone all day.Â
There's the We Best Love 2 scene that everybody has feelings about that I think is great!Â
ShanÂ
I have so many feelings about it and they're all positive. I love that scene.Â
NiNiÂ
I like that it transgresses the line because it's a discussable transgression of the lineâ
BenÂ
Exactly.Â
âand people who just dismiss it because of that, I think that you're missing out, honestly.Â
BenÂ
Weâll try not to spoil it because we know a lot you all haven't seen it.Â
ShanÂ
And you should.Â
BenÂ
It's good.Â
ShanÂ
You gotta watch We Best Love, both parts.Â
BenÂ
What are Sam and Yu doing right now, hold on.Â
[all laugh]
NiNiÂ
And then, I'm always gonna have to bring this up. A non sex scene that feels like a sex scene is Teh and Oh-aew on the bedroom floor in I Told Sunset About You Episode 3.Â
ShanÂ
Hoo! Scratching the back! Oooh, I've been transported. I'm gonna need a minute.Â
NiNiÂ
I can't even bring it up without it entering my brain. It is so ingrained in there.Â
BenÂ
You want to know how good that scene is? I have basically memorized all of the trivia around that scene.Â
ShanÂ
You know everything about how it was made.Â
BenÂ
Like they had to film it twice. They filmed the show and then during the edit process didn't like the version that they got and brought the boys back. And that was really stressful for them. They had to redo their homework again. There was a ton of pressure on them.Â
ShanÂ
It came out amazing, so thank you for your service, everybody on those creative teams.Â
We obviously gotta talk about Japan here, too, because they are often pushing the envelope in BL on what kind of sex can be depicted on screen. Obviously, the Pornographer series is a prime example of using sex to inform character, to move narrative to tell us something about the relationship and where it is at every stage where we're seeing them engage in physical intimacy. The best sex scenes I have ever seen in a romance, still, in that series.Â
BenÂ
All the sex is complicated in that one too. Except for one that wasn't where I was so relieved. [laughs]
ShanÂ
Yeah. The one you were waiting for. [laughs]
BenÂ
Literally, I watched The Novelist and we did the prequel in Mood Indigo. And I'm like, that's enough. [laughs] Iâve had enough!
[NiNi laughs]
Shan
Thatâs enough of this dark sex!Â
BenÂ
I had enough of this! I need Haruhiko to suck Rioâs dick right now. And within 15 minutes of the movie, that's exactly what happened. In a car! [laughs]
ShanÂ
It was in the special, the 15 minute special. He finished Mood Indigo and he said âhe needs to suck his dick right now.â I was like, bestie, hit play. [all laugh] Itâs the first thing that happened!Â
NiNiÂ
Oh my God.Â
BenÂ
I was like, Miki Koichiro understands me.Â
ShanÂ
That series really understands how sex relates to the relationship arc and where the characters are emotionally, and it always got every single beat exactly right. There's a lot of crazy good sex scenes in that series. Thereâs a lot of wild sex. The one where the chemistry is the most off the charts is maybe one of the ones in Mood Indigo, but my favorite scene in that whole series, my favorite sex scene, is the one at the end of Playback, the movie.Â
Ben
Mmhmm.
Shan
It is the culmination of those character arcs, and it is so perfectly executed and they chose to not have it be a penetrative sex act. They chose to have it be a moment of very deep emotional intimacy, where hand jobs were exchanged. Ugh, it was just fucking perfect and I can't believe [voice gets intense] how many of you haven't watched it or haven't finished it because you couldn't find Playback! Please, come tell me if you need help. I will give it to you. You've gotta watch it.Â
NiNiÂ
When Japan is on game, they're on game.Â
Shan
Right?
NiNi
I think about things like the Utsukushii Kare movie. I think about things like The End of the World With You.Â
BenÂ
That has some great scenes. From the same team that did The Novelist and Mood Indigo and Pornographer.Â
NiNiÂ
For, like, a couple that we saw even this year, like, Love is Better the Second Time Around and Perfect Propose, I think also tackled sex really well. I think about The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese all the time, and that is a dark tale.Â
[Ben and NiNi laugh]
ShanÂ
A dark tale that uses sex very well.Â
Ben
It does.Â
NiNiÂ
I agree, I agree.Â
BenÂ
Thereâs a great one in Jack Oâ Frost. The problem with a lot of the Japanese ones is, like, if you're seeing a great Japanese sex scene, the guys are probably about to break up. [Shan laughs] Unfortunately.Â
ShanÂ
Except Pornographer!Â
BenÂ
Except Pornographer.Â
ShanÂ
Watch. I'm not kidding!Â
NiNiÂ
And not in The End of the World With You either, because the best one is the one in the car, and that's right before they get back together.Â
ShanÂ
We owe him so much.Â
[NiNi laughs]
BenÂ
Let's put Grand Guignol in the conversation.Â
[Ben and Shan laugh]
ShanÂ
Oh my God! We reality should, though.
BenÂ
Issei fucks Mr. Unlucky in that movie!Â
ShanÂ
Oh, we lost it. Grand Guignol, if you don't know, itâs a horror BL movie, it's on GagaOOLala. If you have watched a lot of Japanese BL, you should absolutely watch it because you will be fucking delighted. [laughs] But, you know, all the usual warnings that come with a straight up horror film.Â
00:51:24 - Inbox: Worst Sex Scenes
ShanÂ
Let's get to the last part of Alex's question. Which is, âwhich sex scenes have been yâallâs worst on execution or bad chemistry?â
NiNiÂ
Hoo.Â
BenÂ
We have to acknowledge that despite the sheer volume of BL this current panel has watched, they actually don't have sex on screen in a lot of these shows. And so, there are things that I have, take more umbrage with in shows that didn't even have the sex. Like, as much as I love Make It Right, Peak was not a great actor at the time and was clearly nervous to be around Boom for the intimate scenes they had to do. That stands out.Â
NiNiÂ
I feel like what it comes down to is, do the actors go for it or not, and for what quantity of go for it? There are always actors whoâre gonna go for it and go too over the top and it doesn't feel genuine because they're not willing to sit in the moment. So they're goinâ hard, but it just feels like people smashing together. It doesn't feel like it's being acted.Â
BenÂ
List them, bestie!
ShanÂ
Name names!Â
BenÂ
List them, bestie!
ShanÂ
Name names!Â
NiNiÂ
Let me finish my thought here. And then there are ones where it's too soft. You're telling me that these people have this welling up of emotion or sexual desire, whatever it is, and the way that they touch each other in those moments just does not feel like that. It does not feel desirous, it does not feel overwhelmed, it doesn't feel any of those things. It just feels robotic. Hate that. Basically, anything where I feel like the character of the scene does not match emotionally and physically, where the characters are, I don't enjoy. As actors, you've taken me out of the scene because I can't buy it anymore. I see the actor at that point, I see the actor hesitating. I don't see the character in the moment.Â
ShanÂ
All right, name those names.Â
NiNiÂ
[laughs] I was hoping I could get away from it.Â
BenÂ
No, no, ma'am.Â
ShanÂ
The question was which scenes, you gotta at least name some shows.Â
NiNiÂ
Y'all go first and I will come back around.Â
ShanÂ
What about Playboyy, NiNi?Â
NiNi
[disgusted sound]
Shan
There you go. The gag sound says it all [laughs].Â
NiNiÂ
There is literally nothing about Playboyy that I ever wanna think about again. Let's forget that that ever happened. And it could have been so good.Â
ShanÂ
You think about your list. I have an answer to this.Â
BenÂ
Go ahead, bestie. Say what you need to say.Â
ShanÂ
I did not live through Big Dragon and Sunset x Vibes to keep my mouth shut about this issue. I watched both of those shows!Â
NiNiÂ
Why did you watch them, friend?Â
ShanÂ
I'll tell you why. And listen, I have no beef with Mos and Bank. They seem like nice dudes. Great for them. Iâm happy for them that they seem like they have good lives. Theyâre out there doing their thing, cool.Â
But I do have beef with their shows and I'll tell you why. Because both of these shows were marketed to me as if they were going to be mature, dark stories that involved a lot of actually sexy sex, and neither of them delivered on that promise! Big Dragon at least had some halfway decent sex scenes when it started, before it suddenly devolved into being random BL fluff right in the middle. It started as enemies hate fucking and then by episode 2 they were like actually, we're in love. And I was like, what the fuck? This is not what I was promised. So anyway, those sex scenes at least had a little bit of verve to them, even though the story was a mess.Â
Sunset x Vibesâand I have learned that that's how you're supposed to pronounce it, by the wayâ
NiNi
Nope.Â
Shan
Terrible. Just no, if you haven't watched this show, please don't. Itâs not good. It is not worth your time. It is a mess and a half. The sex scenes in particular were so disappointing because first of all, they decided to do some weird blushing maiden stuff that felt like it had no business being in the story. Had no idea why they were doing that. And then on top of that, the sex scenes were not particularly tied to character or story. They didn't tell us anything really about who these people were or anything about their relationship. Were just inserted, almost like they were PPLâproduct placementâbreaks. It's like, ope, time for a sex break! They didn't do anything in the story. They were not narratively important, and they also were just not well performed.Â
Again, I have no beef with these actors. There are many reasons why they might not have performed these sex scenes well, even though they have, in the past, done a better, or at least adequate, job at that. But these sex scenes were uncomfortable. They looked like they were filmed in a rush. There were strange edits in a lot of them. The kissing looked awkward, there were awkward angles being used. It was such a strange show, because it didn't deliver on story, it didn't deliver on the romance plot, it didn't deliver on the sex scenes. I had no idea what it was actually trying to do.Â
What I'm trying to get at here is that you can't just go out in the world and say, âSexy BL coming your way, itâs gonna be amazing!â and then deliver this tepid garbage. The audience is not gonna stick around because you say that there are some explicit sex scenes that are poorly executed.Â
While weâre on the subject, we should mention that another Thai BL just tried this trick. Battle of the Writers suddenly taking a pause to re-edit their episode and put out the longest, most explicit sex scene by far in the show, in an attempt, it seems, to attract an audience back to the show and get people talking about it again. I think people did watch that sex scene. I don't think they watched the show, though.Â
BenÂ
We sure did.Â
NiNiÂ
[laughs] With popcorn, rewound it and watched it again.Â
ShanÂ
You can't just expect having NC-17 scenes in your show to carry it anymore. There is too much good content in the genre now. That was a rant, perhaps that you didn't ask for Alex, but that's my answer. Big Dragon and Sunset x Vibes failed on this test.Â
BenÂ
I am always the worst person to ask about these things, âcause if something's not good, I don't catalog it. I don't usually hold grudges against BL for being bad at sex and so, there's a lot of awkward sex scenes that I've forgotten. I don't remember really enjoying the sex scenes in shows like Nitiman because I don't even remember what happened. I remember just going, âhmm, thatâs bad.â And I just moved on for my life at that point.Â
Of the things we talked about on this show this year, probably the like worst one⢠was the one we dialed in on when we talked about Unknown. And that isn't because the actors weren't willing to execute the scene with each other, it's that whatever that they were coached into doing didn't translate well into what was edited together in the scene that we got. They didn't really build towards their sex in a way that completed the narrative arc they were on with the older brother. Those are the ones that I tend to remember more than like, âooh, those actors were, like, biting each other's lips. What the hell?â None of that ever sticks with me âcause I watch too much. Iâm just like whatever, shuffle on. Maybe like back in the day, you would probably be like What the Duck? because I do not remember the leads, doing a good job on that show at all.Â
NiNiÂ
Ooh.
ShanÂ
I still haven't watched that.Â
BenÂ
[singing cadence] You don't need to!Â
Shan
And I never, ever will.Â
[all laugh]
NiNiÂ
I'm gonna go for a quote unquote safe choice âcause I just don't feel like having the girls come for me for coming for their boys.Â
BenÂ
Uh-uh. I wanna hear the answer. Speak the truth on this show.Â
ShanÂ
I just trashed MosBank out loud!Â
BenÂ
Say what needs to be said.Â
NiNiÂ
I'ma just lay it out here and the girls are gonna have to come for me. I'm sorry. I love First and Khaotung.Â
Shan
[excited gasp]
NiNi
They did one good sex scene in Only Friends. I don't think the rest of them were good.Â
ShanÂ
Yes, bestie speak the truth! Let's speak truth to this powerful fan base!
[Shan and Ben laugh]Â
BenÂ
Yes! Kill âem, bestie.Â
ShanÂ
Tell âem, say more!
NiNiÂ
I have never enjoyed a JoongDunk sex scene.Â
BenÂ
I sure haven't!
NiNiÂ
Nope.
[Ben and Shan laugh]
ShanÂ
I still haven't watched any of their shows. I do not care.Â
NiNiÂ
Mmm mm mm. And the third one, the safe one, is none of the sex scenes in Between Us were any good.Â
Ben
Mmm.
ShanÂ
Ooh, okay. Expand on that. I feel like most people think the first couple episodes of that show are its saving grace because of the sex scenes.Â
NiNiÂ
No, because I don't buy [Ben laughs] either of them really. It's the acting, it's the acting for me.Â
ShanÂ
Okay. This is great, NiNi unleashed. I love it.Â
NiNiÂ
Oh my God, I'm gonna get cancelled.Â
[Shan laughs]
BenÂ
Good, good. We deserve it.Â
ShanÂ
Letâs let them try to cancel you. Let's let them try!Â
BenÂ
New Siwaj does get lucky sometimes and has actors who do okay together. The couple of times they've had decent bed scenes in his shows, like, I think the My Only 12% one was actually pretty decent.Â
NiNiÂ
That was a decent one.Â
ShanÂ
Santa and Earth have good chemistry.Â
NiNiÂ
I think that the married sex scene in oh, God, what's that ForceBook one? Boss Baby!Â
BenÂ
A Boss and a Babe?
NiNiÂ
I always call it Boss Baby. Yeah.Â
[all laugh]
BenÂ
Where's my Boss Baby tweet?!Â
ShanÂ
[valley girl voice] Force and Book were so good in Boss Baby.Â
NiNiÂ
Let me stop calling this Boss Baby. A Boss and a Babe. New Siwaj hits on one from time to time. Most of the time I don't like the way that he directs sex scenes, but My Only 12% one was good.Â
BenÂ
I had a lot of beef with Only Friends, but I do think the car scene between Force and Neoâs characters was still a little compelling sequence.Â
NiNiÂ
Oh hell yeah.Â
ShanÂ
In the whole show, that was the best sex scene. People were not ready for that conversation, but it's the truth.Â
BenÂ
Followed by the Neo and Mark scenes.Â
ShanÂ
Yeah. Neo and Mark were good in that show.Â
NiNiÂ
Because they went for it, but they didn't go for it in like a, âoh, we're going for itâ way. They went for it in an actual acting way.Â
BenÂ
Yes, you can see them fucking with each other the whole time. Each one was trying to outdo the other one in each scene, and I was like all right guys, I get it. Youâre both athletes.Â
ShanÂ
Itâs rare for GMMTV shows, I think, to deliver truly good sex scenes because there's just too much other nonsense getting in the way. But it does happen. I still think one of the best, it's not really a sex scene, I guess, but a prelude to sex scene is Pat and Pran in Episode 11 of Bad Buddy. They just nail the anticipation and the heat of it to the point you don't even have to see the actual sex to feel like you just saw a really good sex scene.Â
NiNiÂ
That one, and the one night stand in Moonlight Chicken.Â
ShanÂ
Yeah. That's another one where they just nailed the anticipatory tension that can also create a really memorable scene that doesn't actually have to explicitly depict anything. And I think that's maybe the thing to think about here. It's not just the fact of a scene being super explicit that actually makes it sexy, and a lot of times shows are putting out these scenes that, all they have going for them is that they're super explicit, but they're not nailing the emotions, not nailing the characters, they're not getting the chemistry and the movement and the heat right. And so it's all empty.Â
BenÂ
An example of one that had us in a lot of the early part of the sex scene, but maybe not all of it, is the Episode 4 Ghost Host Ghost House scene. That has really good build up tension.Â
ShanÂ
The legs!Â
BenÂ
Another example, they don't actually have sex in the showâa lot of that was because of quarantine protocols again, in the Philippinesâis the kiss that they have in Boys Lockdown. I think that has really good building tension to it because of the mask mandate at the time. And I think that carries a really specific gay layer to it that I thought was really compelling.Â
The problem is, 1, a lot of these shows don't have sex; 2, when they do have sex, a lot of it's kind of bad? The sex being bad isn't so stand out that we keep an ongoing list of grievances.Â
ShanÂ
Speak for yourself, bestie, I got my grudges.Â
BenÂ
You're better at grudges than me. I'm too busy to be having grudges.Â
ShanÂ
[laughs] I always got time.Â
BenÂ
Do not ask for my attention! Itâs not good for you.Â
01:04:24 - Bonus Round: Best Sex in a Bad Show
ShanÂ
NiNi, what question did you wanna ask?Â
NiNiÂ
What is the best sex scene you've ever seen in a terrible show?
BenÂ
Oh, interesting.Â
ShanÂ
Oh. Good sex in a bad show.Â
BenÂ
Can I be mean and just say Make Our Days Count? [laughs]
NiNiÂ
[laughs] Oh my god, no you can't.Â
BenÂ
Iâm still mad! I'll never not be mad.Â
ShanÂ
You gotta think about an actual bad, like, a poorly made show that does sex well.Â
BenÂ
Why r u?Â
ShanÂ
Yeah, I think that's the answer!Â
BenÂ
Not to be mean to the Why r u? team. Why r u? got crushed by the pandemic. Now, that show was probably not gonna be good anyway.Â
Shan
No.
Ben
But, it's not their fault that their set basically got shut down.Â
ShanÂ
Yeah, that's a really good answer to that 'cause Saint and Zee, that was a moment. I still think about Saint sucking on Zeeâs Adamâs apple all the time. [NiNi and Shan laugh] It's so memorable, and they had such good chemistry. That show is a trash fire, but boy.Â
BenÂ
There's also some really goofy montage of sex in Destiny Seeker. Shan got that far in.Â
ShanÂ
I watched the whole thing! I watched all of Destiny Seeker. It was oddly charming. It wasn't a particularly good show, but like, there were aspects of charm to it, and they did well on the sex.Â
On that front, I would shout out City of Stars, which a lot of people I don't think have watched. Itâs a show from this year, a Thai pulp, and I couldn't really say that it's a good show. The production values are low, it's got some green actors, but the sex was surprisingly great. Really well used in the narrative arc. Really well used in the relationship development and very enthusiastically performed.Â
Thank you, Alex, for getting us to rant about sex scenes in BL for over an hour.Â
[all laugh]
BenÂ
We needed it, get it out of our system.Â
ShanÂ
We needed to get some things off our chest, clearly.Â
BenÂ
I'm gonna end on this particular note. We need to see more people behaving like the MeMindY team. This trend towards really chaste BL or BL that's only willing to use sex if it feels like it's leading into something negative is not satisfying. Especially when sex is part of your storytelling. Do better!Â
01:06:54 - Inbox: Critical Philosophy
NiNiÂ
We've got a comment, really, that came into our inbox from user @cuntextual.Â
ShanÂ
And I want to be clear that thatâs C-U-N-T cuntextual.Â
BenÂ
Oh, yes. Classic Tumblr name. A+!Â
ShanÂ
Props for a fantastic username. They write: âJust dropping by to say you guys make my life better. [Shan says âAwâ] I listen to all your episodes, even for those shows I haven't watched, and I can't understate how much The Conversation has taught me about media criticism and QL history. So thank you so much for all your hard work.â
Very nice comment. Thank you, cuntextual.Â
NiNiÂ
Thank you so much for the comment, cuntextual, and we wanted to use it as a frame to talk a little bit about media criticism.Â
BenÂ
This is the first time I feel like the BL bubble has really popped. BL hasn't sucked this hard since 2018. A lot of people weren't in the streets with us in 2018. They have no memory of this. A lot of folks joined during COVID. 2019 was a really good year for BL. A lot of people's favs are from that year. 2020 was a good year despite the lockdown. â21 was a solid year. â22 was a solid year. I had a great time last year in â23 and I do not know [singsong voice] what's going on this year.Â
This is a good place for us to talk about, like, what is the role of a critic. For me, a critic is not a shill. It is not my goal or job to cheerlead shitty shows. My goal as a critic is to have a consistent lens and perspective from which I write that the listeners and readers can understand, so that when they're reading my takes they understand why I'm reacting the way I am. There are quite a few critics who I follow, who I often disagree with. But I like to read their perspectives because they're consistent. I know exactly where they're writing from, and that helps inform whether or not I might want to go see a movie in theaters or wait for it to come home.Â
So when I'm reacting to shows on this podcast and on my blog, I am not here as a fangirl for BL. I am here as a queer cinephile. And so I'm here reacting because I want more English speaking people to engage with what's happening in these various Asian communities. As a result, when shit is good, you will hear me screaming âthis shit is good!â But you will also hear me saying âthat shit is bad.â The critic's job is to communicate to the audience who's listening to them hy shit might be good or bad as a means of helping them decide what might be worth their time to engage with. Anything else is just motherfuckers sittinâ around chattinâ about nothing. And that is not what I'm about.Â
ShanÂ
I agree with a lot of what Ben just said. I don't really think about media criticism as clearly as Ben does in terms of bringing people to the genre and trying to recommend shows. I do that sometimes, I definitely like to yell about it when I really like something. But for me, I get a lot of personal enjoyment and pleasure out of breaking down stories. How they work, what makes them good, what makes them not so good. I like to approach media through thinking about what the components of the story are and how they're working together. And I get, honestly, a lot out of thinking about and talking about shows that don't work that well because that helps me learn too.Â
So I don't really have stan loyalty to any show. I could start out loving a show, and if it goes off the rails for me, I'm going to say something about that and I'm going to try to unpack why and talk about it. Even if I really like an actor or a pair that's in a show, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to think that their show is great. Itâs great when that happens, but it often doesn't. And I really don't agree with the idea that the only way to support something is to cheerlead it uncritically. I've never agreed with that, that's just not how I interact with media. Bringing a lens of critique and taking the shows seriously and talking about them seriously is how I show respect and love to the media that I enjoy. I'm always gonna kind of show up that way when I'm interested in any kind of media that I'm watching.Â
We've talked a little bit about the shift that we've been feeling in the genre. This is not new, it's just maybe the level of intensity feels like it's shifting towards commercialization and just selling product as the primary motive for most of these shows. And has very much crowded out the motive around good storytelling in a lot of cases. That has been the shift that I have most keenly felt. And that has particularly been very pronounced for me in Thai BL. I don't know if that's actually a uniquely Thai media thing. It might just be that that's where most BL still sits. Thai production companies produce vastly more BL than any other BL producing countries at present.Â
One of the things that I noticed that I was talking with Twig about is that there has been a real dearth of high quality content coming out of other countries besides Thailand. In Korean BL, we have had a significant reduction in output, not necessarily in the number of shows, but in the quality and length of shows that we've been getting, significantly less this year than in the previous couple years. We've gotten fewer good shows from Taiwan. Japan actually, conversely has been producing more BL, but with a steep increase in output there has not been as consistent of a quality, and so we're now getting Japanese BLs that let us down in ways that we're not used to happening with Japan.Â
It's felt a little bit like a transitional year to me, and this last few months in particular I think there have been a confluence of shows that have started really strong and then gone off the rails. That always feels really frustrating to me because I hate to get invested in something that then lets me down. That's way worse to me than something being just kind of bad from the start, from the whole way through. I'm still happy to be engaging with the genre so much. I'll keep doing it in the way that I always have, and I'm just hopeful that we'll still get a decent ratio of shows that are interested in storytelling compared to some that are not.Â
NiNiÂ
It's very interesting to hear you all talk about your critical philosophy. I'm kind of all over the map on this stuff. I enjoy watching the shows and talking about the shows and analyzing the shows, and I also enjoy letting some of the shows wash over me. I'm not a consistent critic. Sometimes I do feel like a show is more like me putting on my critical hat and wanting to look at it in terms of, okay, what is this technically doing? What is happening here? And then sometimes I don't want to do that with a show. Either it gets me in the heart place, a place where I don't feel like I either can or want to turn that lens on it. It comes down to me, for me, on what the show is doing for me. There are some shows which I can see are probably objectively not great but I'm enjoying the critical aspect of it because I get to puzzle out in my head. Okay, what exactly is not working here and really get into the integrity of it. Thereâs stuff that's not great that I don't wanna do that with because I'm just having such a good time. There's stuff that's good that I wanna put my critical hat on and there's stuff that's good that I don't wanna do that either. I'm really all over the map when it comes to the idea of a critical philosophy and it really just depends on the show.Â
One of the things about getting all this additional volume, all of these stories upon stories upon stories that are happening, is that the more we get, the more diverse and diffuse the audience gets, and I think that's maybe some of what's being struggled with, as well. There are still shows that we are all watching and all enjoying, but increasingly I feel like there are shows that are sort of, okay, this is speaking to this particular person or these one or two or this group of particular people and not this other group of people. Ben was talking about this when he was talking about Tadaima, Okaeri, that once all the people who weren't going to be interested in it faded away he had such a good time discussing it with the people who were there because they wanted to be there. I feel like this is something we talked about at the end of last year as well. The number of shows that is really a full fandom experience is shrinking every time, every season, every year, and things are getting more stratified, more diffuse, more separate. I don't necessarily know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Itâs just a thing that's happening.Â
There's always gonna be, at least I hope that there's always gonna be those shows that we are all really agreeing on. All enjoying all, like, yeah, this is knocking it out of the park on all the quadrants. The various quadrants that we hold there. And we can talk about them from that space of we are enjoying this for very different reasons, but we are all enjoying it. Rather than sort of talking across each other at cross purposes because we are either enjoying it for a reason that is exactly why another person is not enjoying it, if that makes sense? So that's kind of where I'm sitting right now. Yes, the fandom experience is kind of separating into its little nooks, which is in some ways not as fun, 'cause there's not as many people to talk to about the show when you really like something. But, I hope that we're still gonna get stuff that's gonna let us all come together.Â
BenÂ
The hard part about being a critic this way is you have to be there for a lot of stuff. It's hard to do good critical work behind the zeitgeist. You need to be on the front lines with the viewers reacting in real time, like, that's the experience. And so you really want to be there for the shit that's going on. And it is disheartening as a viewer to start a show having a good time and then have your reactions become grumpier from week to week. It's not fun. It burns out the audience, too, like they're not having fun with that either. I don't want that to be the default expectation of the genre. That is not my goal when I start watching a show to rag on it, it's not how I want to spend my time.Â
I want this to be fun. [laughs] Truly. And I'd like for it to start being fun consistently again.Â
01:18:31 - Outro
BenÂ
Clearly we need to rein in questions from Alex. I feel like we spent 50 minutes talking about Alex.
NiNiÂ
Alex got us talking about sex work over an hour. This is ridiculous.Â
BenÂ
I just want you all to know that I was silenced on this podcast and not everything I said was allowed to be aired.Â
NiNiÂ
I mean some of the things that you said, bestie, were a little on the borderline.Â
BenÂ
Thank you all again for sending us in your questions. We do look forward to them and they often lead to really interesting discussions for us. If you're curious about more, our inbox will be open after we finish this current season.Â
NiNiÂ
I mean, how much after are we talking about? I know I've gotten really bad at this. I gotta get better. Okay, we're gonna try to be better about this. Gonna try.Â
BenÂ
Like any other blog, we will get to your asks when we get to them.Â
NiNiÂ
And yet we get to them. But we know that you love us and you will stay tuned and wait.Â
NiNiÂ
And with that, we out. Say bye to the people Ben.Â
BenÂ
Peace!Â
#ben and nini's conversations#podcast#the conversation#on art#lgbtq#bl series#thai bl#filipino bl#korean bl#japanese bl#winter series#winter 2024#taiwanese bl#unknown the series#tadaima okaeri#23.5 the series#23.5 degrees#love is like a cat#boys be brave#love is better the second time around#my strawberry film#4 minutes#wandee goodday#gameboys#kinnporsche#tharntype#love in the air#wedding plan#love sea the series#history 3: make our days count
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knowing i should take a step back from tumblr for my own wellbeing vs. being emotionally attached to this app and the people on it
#tumblr would be tumblr without meâas would the self ship community. itâs silly for me to feel so invested this Thing that is just that:#a Thing. it canât give me the love or care or satisfaction with life that iâm looking for. iâve been hiding on hereâescaping reality.#because itâs fun to live in an imaginary world where iâm everything i want to be. where iâm the main character.#but in doing so iâve been neglecting the ugly parts of my real life; the pain and hurt and harsh realities.#over the past couple months it has become apparent to me that i tend to put too much trust and effort into people#who have neither the capacity nor the desire to reciprocate.#so i just look like a fool in the end. (this isnât about anyone hereâjust a pattern of behavior in general.)#at the end of the day#having thousands of followers on tumblr has no impact on my real life. if anything it makes me feel more isolated than ever.#because itâs yet another arena where i feel like i have to carve out my own space; iâve never been good at taking up space.#anyway i suppose iâll take the weekend away and see how i feel. iâve had a lot of shit happening irl that has been so horribly difficult.#so maybe getting through all of that will help me feel more comfortable on my own blog again.#if you read this all iâm so sorry. iâll prob regret posting my heartfelt thoughts in the future but at this very moment i donât care.#self preservation be damned.#please support ficsforgaza; iâll still be helping aleks over there because itâs one of the few places where i feel useful.#okay iâm done now. iâll see you later. i wish you all so much love and nothing but the best.#tw personal
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There is a very exquisite agony in playing a game you love so so so so so much, and realizing that one of the other players is trying to play a totally different game than you.
#hush frenchy#we went to the coffin shop today in vallaki#and our rogue triggered combat SIMPLY because he didn't want to leave the house without looting every single room#to clarify: WE HAD ACHIEVED OUR OBJECTIVE#we literally just needed to get out#but the rogue's player was like cmoooon its no fun to leave without looting everything we can get our hands on#now everything we're doing has gone to absolute shit#and to clarify: its going to be very interesting!!#and I feel like I would've been just fine with the result#IF it had been for any other reason besides that this one player seems to think that we're in a video game#like if there had been some kind of character motivation? or genuine concern that we were missing a piece of something we were looking for?#totally fine!! love that in fact!!#but just stealing shit because 'you're the rogue' feels... idk.#it just feels like it's a totally different game than the rest of us are playing#and now we ALL have to deal with the consequences#i just. urgh. i do not know what to do#i am gonna talk to the dm and see if she noticed the same thing as me#and try to brainstorm we the players can do to impart a sense of balance for people with different play styles#but i just feel like despite repeated efforts by the dm to be like hey this is a game for exploration and character engagement#the player is just ignoring that and doing Whatever He Feels Like#ANYWAY SORRY RANT OVER#I'm just really in love with this game and having one really thorny part is just HNG#positive note: the wizard whipped out alter self and thought he was the coolest guy in the whole world#despite repeatedly missing in combat#it was very cute and i wish Wyn wasn't absolutely certain that she was about to die#because she would absolutely stroke his ego about it simply to see him preen#the fighter was also very sweet and keeps working so hard to protect wyn#and since I'm a fighter in my other game i know where to put myself to make it easier for him so there's a lot of synergy#IT'S JUST VERY CUTE AND NICE AND GOOD. I LOVE THEM BOTH A LOT
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Iâve mostly been thinking about this in the context of an AU I created, but Iâve been thinking a lot about Tokiâs transition out of his parentsâ home and into the real world.
I imagine he left before he was 18 and had to support himself entirely from before that in order to get himself out. And like idk Iâm just thinking about the moment when he finally moves out and heâs sitting on a bed that he bought thatâs in a room he can call his own, and like he thinks heâs going to be instantly happy and that everything will be perfect, but then he has to reckon with the fact that it isnât, and now he has to deal with grieving his old life and trying to fit in to a new life he doesnât really understand and keep himself afloat.
#metalocalypse#toki wartooth#idk Iâm just. projecting I guess.#thinking abt when I moved out and like once everyone left and I was just alone in my room I had this moment of like.#this is my life now and I have left everything I knew behind.#idk those first two years were a rough fucking transition#and like I feel it now#and itâs weird because itâs been nearly two years but like I got this sudden wave of grief for the first place I lived when I moved out#there were a lot of issues and my landlord/roommate did not treat me well#but also she took in a fucking 16 year old trans kid she barely knew#and like she dealt with my family harassing us and stalking and threatening her family#and put up with me through like all my really serious emotional and mental issues#and like idk Iâm feeling a little nostalgic#bc that house was also like where I got to invite my friends over for the first time#it was where I hosted my first parties and made my first zines#and had my first trainwreck of a relationship#and like some shit went on that made our relationship unsalvageable#and I love my roommates now and we make a conscious effort to treat each other well and communicate and mitigate issues#but like idk I just wished we hadnât ended on such bad terms
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.
#personal#thinking about how the phrase treat others how you want to be treated is actually incredibly one way#unless damn near every person ive ever met wants to be treated like shit which i cant imagine is true#like idk i spent a lot of my time giving my energy to people. and ill never feel bad for putting love and kindness out into the world#but i gave some of these people everything i had. or not everything that would diminish me but everything i could spare for them at the time#i treated them attentively and considerately and tenderly and lovingly#and that kindness has not been extended back to me by most of these people#some of them have surely in their own 'love language' and im grateful for these people in my life#but most of the people ive treated with intentional care have actively and on purpose caused me a lot of emotional harm#which again. im working through and like karma will get them without me needing to be there or whatever while i do my own healing#but regardless i still think some of that shit should not have happened like it did#i dont understand how everyone can say to me treat others how youd like to be treated but not tell me the caveat#that they will not treat me the way i want to be treated even if i put in that effort for them/for our friendship or relationship or whatevr#like idk im a bitch for asking you to leave me alone when ive been vomiting for two days straight but you can straightup sexually misconduct#with my body and then when i write poetry about it and share my feelings instead of leaving and taking that information anywhere helpful#you get to decode youre traumatized actually and im still a bitch for bringing it up?#make it make sense#'treat others the way you want to be treated' so youd like it if i starved you and verbally insulted and gaslight and manipulated you? no?#then what the fuck is the point of you saying that to me???#idk im just fucking pissed rn that. idk what im pissed at. cause again i know im no contact with all of these people now and their#shitty justice will find its way to them. and i cant be mad at myself for saddling with the wrong people cause some of that was my choices#and some of it was blood i couldnt escape for a long time. and i said i dont want to regret or resent#putting love out to the world#but i am still angry that so much of me was given to the wrong people. that these people just chose to completely ignore#the level of respect and patience and kindness i showed them#idk dudes im just angry. 'treat others the way you want to be treated' fuck off thats some quiet manipulation bullshit to get me to be#nicer to you even as you abuse the self-worth outta me fuck off fuck you#i found it again. you cant bury it im too full of love to not love myself too but it hurts how hard they tried for so long#'treat others the way you want to be treated' how bout no. how bout i treat everyone with a base level of kindness#and when youve shown me that you will treat me the way i deserve to be treated then ill fucking play niceys back
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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.
(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)
#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it#there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again#but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned#so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot#anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account#or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one#or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun#just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake#oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess#god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit#and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave#and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so#which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh#but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose#that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10#and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in#we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of#next week we'll likely be 4#depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel#sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere#but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg#a day in the life of..
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I write a lot to deal with my emotions and to process (right now I am processing a lot of anger, still). I don't share a lot of it, but I did write something to post on fetlife yesterday having to do with my friend, Remy's, death. The circles of people I have over there have no real context or frame of reference for any of it though. Since I'm still vaguely furry-adjacent, I figured maybe people (all like.. five of you) would get more mileage out of it here, so I'm crossposting it.
This is a small tidbit of furry history. Before you fly off the handle and send me anon hate, please take a minute to read all of this through. Plus think about what type of person would absolutely fucking loathe both queer people involved in WWII reenacting, and queer people dressing in uniform to do weird kink shit. (it's supposed to be fascists that idealize the era, they would have an aneurysm, but this is a trick question because apparently everybody loathes it)
Anyway. Pushing the Feldpost Envelope (furries and nazis and death in here.)
"History lesson.
I'm at the third year of my home furcon in 2005, attending opening ceremonies, wearing my officer's cap. All day, I've been nervously eyeing someone also in an officer's cap, albeit a different branch, worried that they're either going to be confrontational, or that they're a bad actor and a bigot. We'd unknowingly run in the same circles for a couple years now, but had yet to cross paths in any significant way until today.
"I like your hat" he smiled and piped up after the ceremonies were over. I, a very anxious sixteen year old girl at the time, had a flood of relief wash over me now that the ice had been broken and he didn't seem like a total asshole (joke's on me, Remy was still an asshole, just usually the good kind). "I like yours too..!" I chimed back. And the rest was history. "Living history", actually.
A couple months prior, Remy had created the Nazi Furs community, which I wound up co-running and co-moderating. The goal was to create a space for people with a genuine interest in history and reenacting (which despite the name wasn't limited to the German side of things) and/or for those who get their rocks off in uniform, a little more tucked away from early 2000s internet shock value, and most importantly protected from actual racists, bigots, and all around pieces of shit (which took a hell of a lot of work). Furries tend to cover the whole gamut of kink, and while Remy and I both leaned further towards the leather subculture, we tried to make space for all of the spectrum as long as it was related to that specific time period in some way.
We were not a popular or well liked group. But we were a necessary group. This is the south, if you weren't a cishet good ol boy, it was frankly just not safe to venture into any reenacting groups around here at the time. So, we made our own space for it, to be gay and weird and ourselves while we ran around in the woods. Even in kink, we tried to push the envelope for what was "acceptable" in the eyes of larger communities and carve out a little trench for ourselves, because often in the most accepting places, people would still take issue (and still do). We did our best to push back against people feeling closeted or ashamed for what they were interested in, kink or not. Don't be a shitty person is all we asked. We were young and we stumbled a lot, but we tried our best.
Ultimately, with the shifting perspectives in the fandom, in kink, and in general with online spaces being cleansed to be more palatable and marketable, we lost the fight. Part of it came from the evolving political environment in the US, it did become impossibly hard to weed out bad actors, and not be seen/assumed as a bad actor yourself. But part of it is from lingering social norms on what is "okay" and "acceptable" (even in alternative subcultures), instead of remembering that some interests can be solely academic and not a reflection of your own personal world views. Bleeding over to kink, it's exactly the same, and some people have forgotten that kink should be weird and ugly and not acceptable, it should challenge your emotions and perspective sometimes. It is the opposite of social norms, it's not meant to be sanitized and diluted down for the masses to consume. It's meant for you, and your self expression, self exploration, and your kameraden who share that with you.
Remy died on January 26th. He was one of my very best friends, and there are not many people left on this planet who know me like he did. I rushed to clean his house of things his mother did not want, or need, to see, because I was the only one left to do so. He is survived by communities that did not want him and refuse to see the work he put in for people to have a place they felt accepted.
I have no place in community anymore. But if anyone reading this feels ostracized for their interests or kinks, I feel the same so deeply inside me that it hurts my soul. You shouldn't have to feel that way. I do not have it in me anymore to try and create a space like Remy and I worked on in the past, but do know that you're not alone. I'll be here. I'm still here somehow."
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I would also like to add this summarized post that Remy made to the original group, the last post in the group, in 2017.
"In the wake of recent social unrest, we would like to take a moment to make a statement regarding this community.
Nazi_Furs was created by a bunch of nerds. Yes, you read correctly. A bunch of big old nerdy nerds started nazi_furs to post stories, art, historical articles, images from WWII museums, reenacting and living history events, and sometimes little animated gifs of dancing hitlers that we thought were funny.
Most of our members were card carrying homosexuals. Almost all of our moderators were gay, trans, or some other color of "unacceptable" to ACTUAL NEO-NAZIS.
Many of us have well researched and thought out fursonas that inhabit a world set during WWII era Germany. The setting used in many movies like Bed-knobs and Broomsticks, Indiana Jones, Iron Sky, and Dead Snow lends itself well to fantasy. Setting talking animal people into this backdrop did not seem like such a huge clusterfuck at the time.
Nazis are a cliche', relegated to "the bad guys" in popular culture. The sharp uniforms, advanced military weapons and tactics, crackpot schemes, and paranormal ties are used all the time in modern media. They are a caricature of what they were 70+ years ago, much like ninjas (paid assassins) and pirates (murderers and thieves) are today. Once you have been relegated to a children's Halloween costume you no longer have the influence to command respect or fear.
Let us allow nazis to be just that, a cliche condemned to be the "bumbling bad guys". Let us laugh at them and rob them of any authority they feel they may have. There haven't been any "REAL" nazis since the downfall of the NSDAP in 1945, and any members of that movement would be pushing 90 by now.
The "alt-right" are not nazi_furs. They are hateful individuals putting on costumes pretending to be like people they do not understand who have been dead for years. These people WANT you to associate them with nazis, and calling them that only feeds their egos. Lets try not to do that.
If you take anything away from our group, let it be a reminder of our origins as nerdy nerds pouring over history books, saturating ourselves in history to better understand what happened in the 1930s and 40s. Take a look at our current situation we find ourselves in and ask yourselves if we are all doomed to repeat our past mistakes. Then focus your rage and disapproval in a productive manner. Get out there and vote the real racist out of office. Mobilize in peaceful protest, advocate for the oppressed and downtrodden. Make the world a better place than you found it."
I stepped away from the fandom when my home convention, RCFM, ended after a decade. I had been run into the ground, my wallet taken advantage of entirely too much, and I was burnt out beyond belief. Remy stayed more up to date on fandom things, I know there were issues with other "nazi" groups popping up that were inundated with the alt-right. There was no avoiding getting lumped in with them, so we eventually just enjoyed our interests in silence, away from everyone else.
To be completely honest, the majority of our time was spent in museums and hunting down weirdly specific esoteric research topics, which we'd then attempt to discuss while drunk around a fire (this is the academic way). It wasn't to idolize these people or politics, it was to understand an extremely complicated time period and what was born out of it. There are SO MANY absolutely fascinating aspects to study, not just "woo big scary gun death ubermench". What people saw most though, convention-wise at least, were the room parties where we could let our hair down and be WEIRD. Furcon room parties are fucking weird just as a baseline, throw some uniforms and sadomasochism in, sometimes some LSD, and... I mean yeah. And of course that's all that stuck in anybody's mind. Though, tbh, a lot of the time for the majority of the night, it was just a small circle of friends watching war movies and drinking. We came up with this (not) great idea to take a shot every time there was a depth charge in Das Boot, yeah I can't recommend that lmao.
Even from the reenacting standpoint, Remy was putting together a US medic impression (not even German! *clutches pearls*) over the past few years, because he was an EMT by trade. I've always reenacted a very inept Wehrmacht artillery officer who is a touch cowardly, not great at their job, and is usually relegated to office/paperwork. It's far from the edgy internet shock value people associated us with.
Nowadays I am usually running around in the woods alone, or getting the shit kicked out of me in uniform (consensually). I'm just less visible about it. I wish I didn't have to be. It feels very lonely, extremely so now that I've lost Remy. I think there was a good opportunity somewhere in there to push back against the alt-right by being very VERY gay and trans and queer and weird in uniform, destroy the image they were trying to create for themselves, but the current culture of the internet wouldn't have allowed that. I'm still going to keep doing that, just.. y'know, in my own space, on my own time.
I hope other people are out there being weird too. I'll be weird with you in spirit.
#text#I'm not going to be entertaining bad faith arguments on any of this fwiw#I'm happy to talk and reminisce on those years in the fandom and all the stuff we got up to#but I don't have the time or energy for people being shitty#I really just want to get shit out of my head to help me mourn#that's what a lot of this is#I'm mourning both the loss of one of my best friends and the loss of the space we tried to make for 'undesirable' kink#it really feels like all the work and struggle and effort put in by so many people over the past twenty years not just for that kink aspect#but for kink and queer spaces in general is just fucking GONE. like it was for nothing.#I don't really know where to go from here#I'm definitely struggling with that#anyway that's enough rambling for right now I think
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I changed my mind. Hater behavior is undeserved, when it comes to works, & idgaf about holding creators accountable when their games are mid, anymore.
#em.txt#now i only care about how you treat your workers tbh#so there are still series i hate. but now I don't want to be mean to people who put time & effort into making shit#this is about post shift 2. people were too fuckin mean to Rjac for a game he made for free#& as a bitch who loves that game a lot i see your criticisms i understand. but you're not gonna be mean to him abt this#that fucking teen that held that interview & told him he needed to be held accountable for his mistakes. god#he made this shit for free across four years. what can happen in four years? what did he work through?#to deliver you a free game. even if you don't fucking like the game if you invite a creator on to talk about their works#you don't fucking talk to them the way uyeah did. shit was cruel & uncalled for.#this game is fucking good but it's forever going to be burried as a game that's complicated with weird tutorials#ps2 is fun. you should try it. if you don't get it -- ask. I'll answer any question at any time#i will vc you i will write a text doc -- whatever you want. more people need to experience this fucking game#it's compelling in a way few games are to me.#i can homestly only compare it to rain world but not for a reason that's overt & easy to explain. more in how it feels to play#rather than what you do.#man. idk. i gotta learn how to talk about shit i love without being mean now#this started because i was talking mad shit to my friends & it asked me to stop because i was downtalking something she loved a lot#& i realized this isn't fun for people. i thought we were having fun but tbh? I'm just a mean negative bitch#& that's not fun. that's mean.#i have to redo this character arc from when i was 13 because i guess I didn't learn it the first time around#cynicism doesn't make you funny or cool. it makes you mean & unfun to be around. finding kind things to say is tougher.#if you can present your criticism nicely then maybe you can criticize too#but that alone does not a good critique make & it definitely don't make you fun at parties#listen. i am still gonna be a bitch. but i am going to be less of one.
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Advice from experience: Be VERY careful on spending money on games, especially if what you're spending money on is like, limited events and shit.
Once you're in, you're IN and it's very, very hard to get out of mostly because of guilt and not wanting to put down stuff you've spent hours grinding for.
#alt rambles#rants in tags#recently started putting down and breaking off of a game that i've been grinding on for two years#and realised how much more time i have on my hands#and how much less draining my daily life is#and that i have more energy and time to do stuff instead of spending 2-3 hours every day to grind on the game#yea i spent 2-3 sometimes 4 hours per day just playing this game on a daily basis for the last 2 years#because i spent money and a shit load of time and effort in it#so putting it down genuinely makes me feel a lot of guilt#cause i feel like its such a waste#but like idk#i got really frustrated the other day and so burned out i gave myself a few days break and hoenstly im doing so much better than before#and i actually have time to do other stuff and do more art that now im starting to like#not want to go back to playing the game anymore#lmao yea if you know me you know what game im talking about#i mean i still love the game but damn was it fucking predatory and its only gotten worse thanks to new updates imo#it was fun before and now its just endless grinding#anyways#its another reason why i dont wanna pick up playing genshit even though i really want to#cause i finally got scara (thanks friend who logs in sometimes)#cause like i know genshit will also do that to me smh#anyways idk its just been on my mind lately about how i have unhealthy relationships with a lot of video games#i think im just going to stick to games like sdv and sr that don't have event after event#so thta i can go for breaks without feeling bad or like im missing out
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you know im realizing now. with the exception of a few resident psychiatrists, ive had like. no good experiences with mental health professionals
#most recent occurance is eating my brain alive right now because I feel just so. degraded and offended by how she chose to evaluate me#I wonât get into it because it will make me spiral even more and get angrier and more overwhelmed but tldr she didnât acknowledge#anything I said about my symptoms both out loud and via written test. chose to ignore or dismiss anything that came from me#as if I couldnât be trusted to recount my own experiences and feelings. also did not take into account that I am an adult and thus have Had#to learn to mask and shit so while she brushed off So Much Shit because i seemed (in the three hours she met/saw me)#functional Enough. thatâs only becuaee I put in a Lot of effort every day to do so. and that effort does not last forever#and of course because. like I said Iâm an adult. Iâve been yelled at Iâve been punished Iâve been put through courses and#through the ringer of Society in general to the point where I mimic Normal Person Behavior at least somewhat decently when im prepared to do#so. she treated me like a child and didnât acknowledge most of my major issues. ignored me when I said I donât avoid social situations out#of fear/anxiety I avoid them because it takes a lot of energy for me to mask and try and read people and act accordingly#and in her report suggested generalized anxiety. part of the reason I was there is because anxiety HASNT ever properly described my#avoidant behavior.#and just. yeah I said I wouldnât get into it but here we are. this always happens#itâs just eating at me because I keep realizing more and more things she just fucking disregarded. literally wrote that I âlisted many#relevant symptomsâ and kept it at that. did not actually give those symptoms any validity. basically just implied I was listing things#just. becuase?#some shit was just blatantly wrong like claiming that I have a variety of interests when I told her outright that I can only be interested#in one specific interest at a time- example being the entirety of last year being only interested in One (1) video game. and this is to such#an extent that itâs difficult to make and maintain friendships because I have no interest in anything else but that One Thing for however#long and wonât care about other things people try to get me into in order to have something in common with me or whatever or just. yeah.#issues.#she didnât acknowledge the issues I have with low empathy or overstimulation. didnât acknowledge my history of taking things literally to#such an extent that it has caused problems with people. didnât acknowledge anything that was self-reported and not being displayed in that#moment right in front of her eyes. itâs just. really really disappointing and. yeah degrading honestly#especially because it took months upon MONTHS to get this fucking appointment#and to just be not listened to and dismissed.#anyway. yeah Iâve also just only ever had really shallow relationships with therapists (at best)#and have never felt helped by them or like they ever put in much effort to try to Get to me so to speak. only my psychiatrists have#been open minded and Listened to me. but they were always residents so theyâd leave in a year or so. I donât have one at this point.#kibumblabs
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fucking hell
#ooookay tw for suicide in the tags. just putting that out there#ive been desperately trying to fix things and relationships in the chip fandom#especially with the influx of people breaking off contact with gremlin. theres been a lot of people who've cut her off#i even got in contact with one of her victims through the chip discord. i helped him with his ''experiences with gremlin/apology'' tweet#<- which is up btw. i quote retweeted it on priv but i might repost it here#but i just feel like my efforts are just completely useless#this mindset was what pushed me to defend my friends throughout 2022. but at the same time its how i got into the shit with ''yuzu''#(quotes cuz yuzu was a sockpuppet. gremlin really thought she could chase me out of the fandom after that shit)#im just too fucking hopeful and too fucking nice#i held hope that there'd be a day where the fandom would be nice again - despite me wanting to kill myself **partially** thanks to gremlin#and in february i **had** to leave if i didnt wanna be dead. im (kinda. emphasis on kinda) back in the fandom now but still#im terrified of talking to people directly about this shit. its taken me a lot for me to open up about this shit to other people privately#especially to the folks in the chip discord. it felt so relieving when i knew i was safe to rant about her and what she did to everyone#ughhhh im yapping about nothing. sorry i sound really annoying about this shit LOL#but i just wanted to chuck my feelings out into the void. its what i do#val being a pissbaby
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#mine#personal#gonna vent/rant a little sorry#someone reblogged my gif tutorial and then deleted it again#because they got an ask about it letting them know the gifset it used as an example was puck#who is portrayed by mark salling#and then they got 'all ew gross why are people even making graphics about him' about it#ughhhh like very valid if you cant deal with the character because of who portrays him. that's fine.#but dont act like nobody is allowed to appreciate a character because of that#I literally even tagged it as tw mark salling because I KNOW there's valid reason to avoid him#and that's fine#but now I just feel like shit that I put a lot of effort into putting a tutorial together#just for people to act like it's gross that I would even consider making the gifset it's based on#anyway. idk I'm just like. I feel deflated about it gkdhdkd#I'm probably being overdramatic sorry#this is wht I get for trying to branch out beyone my tiny little section of fandom I guess
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Creates an artwork that took ages but I'm really proud of it. Its a subject that a lot of my friends and followers like. Only a few people like it. Most of my friends have seen it and, nothing... I know I did a good job and it's pretty but this makes me feel like my art isn't good enough. It hurts more that my friends and mutals aren't liking it, more than the numbers.
#tumbr has become a place where i can vent/say my thoughts i guess#im already insecure aboyt my art and even more so after a so called friend in a mad rage suggested that my art is shit#my friends would almost always like my art to support me and if they really liked it they would comment and share it.#now im lucky if they even like it#ironically my art has improved and im drawing people they like#im never with the algorithms and i have so little follower's but it feels like a lot of them are inactive or bots because most dont like my#art so why do they even follow me?#all i post is my art and i dont do follow for follow. i dont understand. i hoped one day to sell prints and other creations but no one wants#to follow me and those that do will never buy my art#i put so much effort into my creations and sometimes it feels like its for nothing#i see artists on a lower skill (for lack of a better term) and they have thousands of follwers. i barely made it to 200 and i know a huge#following isnt everything but it really puts any dreams of having a little art shop or just selling prints#everything ive wanted to do with my life creatively seems to need a loyal fanbase and i dont have that#i feel lost confused and alone#i dont know if people just dont like my art or if the algorithm is working against me#so thats fun..
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Hearing "there's an active Talespin fan forum that someone got banned from for pointing out that it's a Jungle Book AU (and therefore shouldn't be considered 1:1 with the Jungle Book)" just gives me Klonoa fan forum flashbacks.
Very much over people who make geek culture their entire identities, but spend so much of their energy dictating how people should enjoy something rather than doing something productive and community driven.
#Like I know exactly how this shit goes now#You suck all the energy out of the few creatives that exist in the fandom space#And then when anyone tries to do something fandom driven you sit back and twiddle your thumbs because you dont want to put in the effort#You will however put in the effort to commit ableist sexist racist or queerphobic microaggressions on the regular#Piling up and piling up until it's no longer fun for minorities to be in your fandom space anymore#ANYWAYS go find a queer person to enjoy talespin with you'll have much more fun âĄ#Vent#This is mostly just me venting my frustrations I had for a forum I wasted a lot of years and energy on#When I really wasn't getting much in return#And knowing how Millenial Geek Culture Cishet Men (TM) tend to act#I feel as though I'd be starved of critical thought there
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look i love making sae be the one who's so in love and showering hajun with so much love and affection but it's much more fun to think that HE fell harder than her
#it's the she fell first he fell harder thing. gooodd hjs have such common dynamic the frustrating and infuriating type#like look at first she have a crush on him right but as a model. that girl is literally a moth she gets attracted by those with light#though at first she admires him as a model and knew him through toma- her kamioshi. though i think... she just starts admiring him a lot?#she literally went through a 'highschool crush' phase but late since she was like. at college đ#observed him... wow he's a lot similar to her than she thought. that guy puts up a smile in front of strangers and keep people at a distanc#he looked... strangely alone. why? even though he have friends too. she saw herself in hajun and... didnt want to be like him#will she keep putting up a face too? will she keep lying to herself? and would that make her alone in the end as well? she didnt want that.#so shes like yknow what? let's be shameless. her friends had been so loving of her unconditionally.#she thought that they'll leave after highschool and yet... and yet they stayed. they keep approaching her.#and come to think of it... they're always the ones giving effort for her right? when it comes to planning for hang outs-#they're always the one to reach out. never her. shouldnt she return the favor then? love them as much as they love her#pour all her heart out. she used to do it- she can do it again. love people unconditionally without expecting anything from them.#surely this time it'd be different. surely it wont drain her. even if there's a chance they'll leave her- it doesnt matter now.#she knows she gave her everything and that's enough for her. maybe she'll feel better if she had realized this when she was a child...#but that's okay now! so for now! lesson learned: dont be hajun#but also sae. just have a different view of hajun in her head đ??? like she admits she didnt really know hajun before but actually meeting#him must be so complicated for her lol like this guy used to be her crush! and she got to talk to him but holy shit he's lowkey an assholeđ#not even lowkey but he really is a bitch lmfaaooo so like. damn 'i forgot i used to have a crush on this guy like i used to like him???'#'in what way??? (his looks dont even deny it sweetie)' i think her crush on him in the past made her more snappy towards him now lmfao#like 'gooooddd i used to have a crush on THIS GUY??? that's making me piiisseedd' LMAAAOOO đđ#i genuinely have NOOOOO idea how they started having this dynamic but it's just. them lowkey insulting each other? not really INSULT insult#but rather bickering masked by politeness? like đ˘^^) (^^đ˘ selfish ohime-sama vs black hearted prince#but the one who's usually losing here would be sae ngl and hajun's mostly the one being playful tho tbf they CAN calmly talk to each other#sometimes they just become competitive? sae herself is a competitive one at first it would be 'oho~ let's see how long he can keep this up~#to 'give up already!!!! my social battery isn't gonna last long!!!!!!!!' and hajun's just watching her lose it every time đđ#ah.... my absolutely pathetic daughter im so sorry..... when it comes to him she gets unreasonably annoyed. just who does he think he is?#and yet she can't even feel arrogant around him. she knows bae are on a different league than her. that's why despite being very friendly a#expressing her admiration towards them she still puts up a barrier around them? it's not that deep she have her own close friends#yumeshipping â hajusae [prri]
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