#but nothing gets accomplished i guess??
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ngl i am bummed about the timeskip
#idc if the actors look too old#1) I DON'T WANT MAX TO BE COMATOSE FOR 18MO#simply because i love her but also#she'll miss out on nearly 2 years of LIFE#2 years of EXPERIENCES that are critical for adolescent development#so IF she even ever wakes up (which is a big IF)#she'll be behind everyone else in terms of maturity#she'll have missed out on so much#and she'll have been COMATOSE for longer than she's BEEN IN THE DAMN STORY#tbh i think this means lu/max is not endgame because#how would you not idealize the hell out of your all-but-dead sort-of-girlfriend after sitting at her bedside for NEARLY TWO YEARS#this specifically creeps me tf out because i was traumatized by 'flight of the navigator' as a kid#it's why i do Not like fix-its that only fix things years later. a few months or nothing pls.#hell i only included like a week long timeskip for LATBG lmao#2) artificially stalled relationship development#we've barely seen robin and vickie together#and now we'll have to assume they just became somewhat friends over an 18mo period#since vickie Finding Out about the Upside Down would be too big of a development to not show#and that would be a huge barrier to them genuinely connecting#when robin is actively part of the team trying to save the world#also stuff like whether nancy and jonathan stay together#i s2g if s5 opens with steve and nancy in a kitchen together i will.....be very upset#and even mike and will like ?? i rly don't care about that ship/those characters but like#that's a long time for NOTHING noteworthy to happen with them#3) kind of sucks that they've made no progress worth showing in the fight against vecna in 18mo#end of s1 they thought it was Over#end of s2 there was at least no active threat so they were just Waiting#end of s3 they thought it was Over#end of s4 they KNOW it's SUPER not over and something needs to be done#but nothing gets accomplished i guess??
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Y’know. Anakin was a real asshole in Ahsoka’s hallucination.
Like. She mentions something about what she’ll be able to teach her padawan one day, since all she’s being taught is how to be a soldier, and Anakin’s like “teaching’s not all it’s cracked up to be”
And like. Asshole move. And Ahsoka rightfully calls him out on it. And he goes on the whole “uuuh I was joking. Lighten up.” Literally a complete jackass.
But beyond how he answered the question, it’s a valid complaint Ahsoka is bringing up! Anakin’s teaching her how to live or die. But Ahsoka wants to be taught how to be a jedi.
What happens after the war is over (order 66 never happens) and she now has to navigate a galaxy without a war? The Jedi take teaching very seriously there’s no greater honor than teaching a padawan. And she’s not being accurately taught, so she will not be able to pass anything on to the next generation.
But Anakin brushes it aside because he simply does not respect her or her wishes. Like. He never wanted a padawan, despite teaching being foundational to the Jedi. And he only took ahsoka in because he started to like her and became attached to her. He doesn’t care about jedi legacy, not really. So he brushes her comment off with a joke.
But in the rest of the vision… idk it didn’t feel like we were supposed view Anakin as entirely wrong here. He wasn’t in the right, he was definitely channeling Vader and being an ass, but he was basically the reason Ahsoka survived the fall, right? Bc he was making her choose life? When Ahsoka wins against him it’s sort of like she’s both learned his lesson and moved beyond him. And then for the rest of the season he’s only talked about in positive ways.
And like. That one line ahsoka said was really powerful in relation to the entire point of the show. What does she have to pass onto her own padawan (Sabine) if she wasn’t properly trained herself? That is, perhaps, the only valid plot question asked in the entire show. And it doesn’t get an answer. It’s never even brought up again.
#I have now learned Dave filoni wrote the entire series#so I am able to say now with absolute positivity that he’s a shit writer#I had been blaming the issues that the writers went on strike for#but no it’s just filoni being a terrible writer I guess?#I mean. none of the character issues are ever really resolved#we have no reason to believe ahsoka is ready to be a master now#we have no real understanding of WHY Sabine unlocked her force powers and shit (not how it works but whatever)#Sabine never learns her lesson about letting thrawn come back#Ahsoka doesn’t get anything really resolved with Anakin#she just acts like he was never Vader and that he was a great master#when we SEE in her vision he was not#idk it’s like every character plot point was dropped#nothing happened in the first half of the show#the dark side girl had a half rebellion but we got no emotion or background from her#it was just… a pointless show#nothing was accomplished#star wars#anti ahsoka#anti anakin skywalker
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Kind of whelmed
#isgh. like i dont try to dwell on it much#but i really am so incredibly envious of people who have good relationship with their parents#i havent had a good relationship or trusted mine since i was thirteen#NC is great its fine im doing great#but mentally theres a part of me that cant get over it its fucking ass lmao#an extremely childlike part of me that really needs an older person to tell me its ok???#i guess?#dont really have anyone like that#so i exist as i am and i hold no love for myself and i hold too many expectations#and im like does this make me happy or accomplished?#idk#not really#not really so why do i have the expectations in the first place#its a disgusting culmination of identity crisis and lack of self esteem/love idk#augh.#i just want to be a little beast#like bog witch turns me into a frog kind of thing id be so happy#maybe#anyway thats dramatic its nothing important#ill put it away and think about it again in like four months time
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i have lies of p and ff 16 installed and ready to go so i can do something mildly enjoyable my last few days before the school/work death spiral starts up again and instead i'm just sitting here refreshing Webbed Sites and watching nothing interesting appear like
#quite predictably i did in fact get sick at the 3 day long work training held during a massive covid/flu surge#i was masked except for meal/photo times and am up to date on vaccinations tho so thankfully it's just a mild cold#but i'm just sort of tired and unable to focus on anything#honestly tho they could have easily done all those presentations over Teams and been done a lot earlier :/#the weather was really bad the first couple of days too and i know a lot of commuters would have really appreciated doing it virtually#but i guess that wouldn't have let us do all our ~fun~ icebreaker and ~team building activities~!#idk Employer Mandated Socializing and Fun Times just inherently irritate me on a cellular level#tell me how you want a job done and then let me go do it#having us write a group poem about our department for arbitrary points accomplishes literally nothing but wasting all our time#kathryn vs higher education#assorted work nonsense
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I feel like tags like these were inevitable on the post about people traumatising themselves for the greater good or w/e... There is SO much emphasis on posting on tumblr and other social media being so important and so useful and we must never stop. But I would like to counterargue with the idea that posting on social media (especially tumblr) constantly does very little/nothing. If that was true then the point here becomes meaningless.
#i guess i must be broken according to this person because i don't seem to feel emotions the way they feel helps palestine#activists in palestine are also calling for a general strike where no one goes to work and that has yet to materialise in a meaningful way#because people keep watering it down by saying 'oh it's ok just post constantly/about nothing else than palestine on social media'#yeah awesome great- look i'm sure there are people in palestine saying get the word out about our suffering etc#but they are also calling for more meaningful symbolic gestures like strikes which as far as I know no western country has delivered#because that would take a lot of organising and much less guilt tripping and people spending all their time posting#and comfort always comes up- comfort and discomfort- what even is comfort?#is feeling ok in your own mind an insult to palestine?#are there people losing everything in wars feeling better because someone in the west feels really really bad about their pain?#like sorry to be facetious but what on earth does any of this rhetoric accomplish#i spent years thinking like this and it made me so sick and now i'm better i am DONE with it- i cannot go back to this thinking#i can only live if i bend away from this kind of thinking like a plant to light- and i want to help others but people just won't stop#please- post on social media if you like. it doesn't help anyone to view the depths of their pain and feel bad#it is better to look towards hope a ceasefire and a resolution and end to the killing of palestinians for good#that can happen!!!#i think avoiding misinformation and dehumanising rhetoric about either side is also very important#i fully believe you can only understand geopolitics and war if you see everyone as human
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There’s nothing quite like getting a wedding invitation from the guy you used to have a crush on in high school
#Hmm. Feels awful!!#Me to me: Maybe. I'm not quite over this.#IDK IT FEELS WEIRD MAN. I'm very happy for him. But also kinda bummed at the same time.#I think I'm more just dreading showing up and being like aha yeah! Here I am!#I haven't changed at all since we last spoke! Not at all!!#Nothing new or exciting going on with me ever. No accomplishments. No partner I can brag about. NOTHIN#Hey anybody wanna show up as my fake date. Fake dating to lovers AU /j#Idk it just feels wrong to keep hearing from my friends in high school who are all getting married and having kids#Meanwhile me. Who has never dated anybody ever. And has nothing to show from the past five years:#SORRY I'M JUST HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS I GUESS. AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 26.#Me: I've been dealing with my anxiety and depression on the daily for years now and yeah that's it how are you#My friends: I got my dream job and I'm marrying the love of my life and I'm going to buy a house soon!!#I WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE. AND DIE. YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD#Sorry I need to sit here and feel pathetic and hate myself for a second. Then I'll get overe it#*over#Shima speaks#Maybe I can lie and say I've been backpacking through Europe for the last five months. LMAO
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Weird having an actual favorite band and knowing it. I don't really have many favorites it is hard to understand my feelings and even harder to pinpoint a 'better and more' feeling about one specific thing. But I know all of their songs, I listen to them all in a big playlist and never get bored, I am always happy to hear any song by them, I have every song's lyrics memorized, like ... they are my unequivocal favorite. There is nothing like it. Yes, I can get really into other songs, there are probably singular songs I can say I like more than any one song by this band. But I guess having a favorite is like what people say about getting married. I'm not explaining myself on that one actually I do have a point there that's an actual metaphor but I've decided explaining it is a bad use of my time. It's one of those artists that are popular enough and artsy enough that they can crop up as fic titles occasionally and no matter the lyric or song it comes from I can always tell immediately. I don't remember what the point of this post was I'm deep in my panic phase and it's 4 am and I was just sitting there singing I Have Made Mistakes to myself bc I can just do that, the whole song, and because it is very funny to go I have made mistakes I have made mistakes and I will continue to make them while in the middle of freaking the fuck out about existing or something. Bc you know yeah im one spoon away from setting the ends of my hair in fire because if I'm kindling for a little while at least I'll feel of use ????????? Yeah this post for sure had a point and it's devolved.
#tide of consciousness#Sorry that's a lot of text wow#Can we talk about the existential panic. I've been dying to talk about the existential panic#<- doesn't talk about it#Does anyone else get this. The feeling that is like the world is ending and its drowning and burning and it burns and nothing will ever beo#My best guess is I just have anxiety but it is very hard to believe that bc it feels so all consuming and terrifying and so so so much so m#The worst part is I'm not actually even feeling it I'm just sitting here using words that I know describe it bc it's like it just#Is happening. Behind a wall. And I'm here feeling the heat on the doorknob#Translating between the space where the feeling exists and the space where I reside#At some point I just go oh. I've been experiencing the world-ending terror for hours now#Like reading a letter!!!!!!!!! I just get a letter from my brain that goes 'emotions report. It all burned down years ago'#It's like and I know if I was in it I'd be crying and shaking and despairing so deeply and throwing myself around the room#And I feel like this EVERY OTHER DAY. Which is obviously why I apparently partitioned myself away from the feeling#Because you literally just you can't function with that#But surprise it's still there actually and I'm still having 2 breakdowns minimum a week#But now it looks like I'm normal and functioning to everyone else#So I seem like a horrible lazy fucking asshole who doesn't do anything but sit around accomplishing maybe 3? 4? Total minor tasks per day#Because I can't HANDLE ANYTHING ELSE !!!#HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIX THIS#This is for sure something I shouldn't post but you know that's a rational thought for rational people
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#I wish I could just finish something for once#I joke about being a slow writer I own it#but oof its like. all this time and nothing to show for it#(and I don't mean nothing at all I mean nothing to show)#I just. I know I need to get better at self discipline#and not only write once in a blue moon when the fancy strikes me#or else I'm never going to get anywhere. realistically#but idk I just feel like I came out of the womb already low on ''forcing myself'' energy#and the little I can eke out is always used up on the basics of life#and I know it's never going to get better#I'm never going to have less responsibilities#and my writing brain is never going to get less fickle#so what am I supposed to do?????????#like ik ik get a routine#except going to work every day and feeding myself is like the most routine I can manage I swear#anyway most of the time I'm like. I don't want to make writing into something stressful that would be counterproductive#what matters is that I'm having fun#but sometimes it's like. dang. I am just never going to accomplish my goals i guess
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wish my fucking brain worked
#toy txt post#feel like im pretending to function by using everything i have to accomplish Some of my Basic Everyday Chores or whatever#but anything that requires the slightest bit more and its just. i got fucking nothing#i need therapy. guess what. sorting through therapists on that little website takes So Much. figureing out what id need to discuss and#address. is So Much. emailing a therapist or 2 to try to see about seeing them? thats fucking insurmountable. i cant do this.#i cant fucking do this. i cant apply for jobs i dont think i can make it thru an interview rn even if it was something well within my#capacity to actually do which is also feels like Not Much i feel like im fucking Rotting#everything takes So Fucking Much and the only way i can do anything is to not think about anything bc that will get me#crying and spiralling and using precious fucking energy that couldve maybe gone to executive functioning for basic tasks#used up to cry about something which doesnt help feels bad hurts uses an annoying amount of tissues makes it impossible to talk and fucking#exhausts me and for fucking what. for what. i dont feel better. i dont feel like ive let go of or released anything or addressed anything#i think im gonna have to do online therapy cos im gonna be cryin so fucking much and i dont wanna cry into a mask every session
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#ramblings#honestly ive had a really terrible holiday#like summer break is supposed to be good but seeing family wasnt fun like it usually is#the cousin i usually hung out with is an asshole now who didnt even want to talk#so the fun part wasnt fun#i havent seen any of my friends all holidays . i feel like shit and i feel fucking lonely#the only people ive interacted with really are my family and thats horrible because my sister acts like a stereotypical mean girl#ive got no fucking will to leave my room or to fucking eat properly or do just about anything other than sit in my room#and now im about to go back to school . ive accomplished not even close to enough of what ive needed to#ive forgotten everything from math . my tech is probably behind . english should be finished but its not#chemistry is completley half assed#and i know i should be getting up and fixing tht but i cant i fuckign cant do anything#its probably all my fault i have to stop staying up so late im so fucking tired#i dont want to go back to school i dont feel like ive had a break even though ive done nothing all holiday#im so fucking done with this shit#vent#ask to tag#i guess
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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i had really gross shit as my pfp & im STILL stuck as friends w those people who even led me down that rabbithole. and they will never know. they will never fuckgni apologize. its too late for me to confront them over stuff that happened to me years ago.
#txt#i dont get how they could comment on me being young and then#STILL call me and watch n.sfw c.ontent with me#not even just h.ntai but other crap#like oh my god i was just a kid and you were only a few years older than me in highschool#i didnt see anything wrong w it i thought it was some fucked up accomplishment#and no one said anything no one did anything my ex didnt comment on it my friends said nothing#i guess i dont fully blame them but it still makes me relaly mad#🎯
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dads are wild why is an adult man out here throwing a tantrum because i said i dont care which fast food place we go to
#he literally pulled up next to wendys and he was like “so you dont care where we eat?”#and i was like “no not really”#and he got all “FINE. I GUESS YOU CAN EAT CEREAL AT HOME.” and drove past the wendys#for context the wendys is inside of this outdoor mall area. which means hes drove through like 3 parking lots just to throw a tantrum#he literally accomplishing nothing either. ill eat cereal all fucking day we have lucky charms rn#the only person he screwed over here is himself#like man you could have had the dinner you wanted if you just chose a place instead of getting angry at a teenager who isnt even hungry
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i know i'm always busy because i'm doing it to myself but i'm tired of always having a million things to do and always feeling behind and being jealous of people who don't have a huge list of work to do on the weekends. and also friends to hang out with in their free time
#ive been so so slow at accomplishing anything all weekend and i feel so TIRED even though i feel like i've gotten nothing done!!!#there are so many people who do so much more work than me AND have full time jobs and idk how they do it.#it makes me feel like i'm not trying hard enough!! but i always feel so busy and like i have a billion things to do!#idk man. i'm gonna do some stretches and then try to get some more work done i guess#chatpost#on the other hand i tend to work slow all day and then stay up super late reading to relax and then only sleep 6-7 hr#so like. no wonder i'm tired#i don't know how to balance taking breaks and figuring out how to work more efficiently to make my life easier#which would inherently MEAN more breaks. if i could work more efficiently. wonder if i should start timing myself working or something#but that sounds miserable. i dunno
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my birthdays in a couple weeks and i’m already sad about it
#not to be a downer but#and I Know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but like I just can’t help but feel#getting another year older that I’ve literally accomplished nothing of substance#i just feel like a failure I guess
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i'll be honest i'm looking back on last year and i'm having a very hard time saying it was like. A Good Year or whatever
i feel like anything i did that was really An Accomplishment was either really cringe or too small to be worth anything tbh. and none of my failures were very big either sure but they add up a whole lot more don't they
#lost a great internship lost a concerto competition lost a teacher lost interests lost friends#spent 10 days in [redacted] with 30 people who wanted nothing to do with me#spent a week on a mountain with 60 other oboists and couldn't convince two fucking people to play a trio with me.#what HAVE i done this year. besides buy an instrument.#learned and performed a second role in a show within a week of performance.#i guess that's something but it was a budgetless amateur operetta performed in a church rec room...#if there's any accomplishment in that it really goes to the girl who wrote the thing not me#what else. i mean i guess i did fine as a club treasurer again. but who cares#i got into opera. which. yaay. i guess. i made a couple of new mutuals through that#but i just feel myself drifting further and further away from my existing social circle bc i don't have any normal interests#and i'm losing everything i have in common with them and i try to reach out but it doesn't work out and people hardly reach out to me and#i'm just so tired of being alone and mediocre.#and i fucking hate that i need near-constant reassurance that my existence is worth Anything to Anyone but unfortunately i do.#but i don't get it#i wanna talk about me
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