#i got into opera. which. yaay. i guess. i made a couple of new mutuals through that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

supercantaloupe · 2 years

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i'll be honest i'm looking back on last year and i'm having a very hard time saying it was like. A Good Year or whatever

i feel like anything i did that was really An Accomplishment was either really cringe or too small to be worth anything tbh. and none of my failures were very big either sure but they add up a whole lot more don't they

#lost a great internship lost a concerto competition lost a teacher lost interests lost friends #spent 10 days in [redacted] with 30 people who wanted nothing to do with me #spent a week on a mountain with 60 other oboists and couldn't convince two fucking people to play a trio with me.#what HAVE i done this year. besides buy an instrument.#learned and performed a second role in a show within a week of performance.#i guess that's something but it was a budgetless amateur operetta performed in a church rec room...#if there's any accomplishment in that it really goes to the girl who wrote the thing not me #what else. i mean i guess i did fine as a club treasurer again. but who cares #i got into opera. which. yaay. i guess. i made a couple of new mutuals through that #but i just feel myself drifting further and further away from my existing social circle bc i don't have any normal interests #and i'm losing everything i have in common with them and i try to reach out but it doesn't work out and people hardly reach out to me and #i'm just so tired of being alone and mediocre.#and i fucking hate that i need near-constant reassurance that my existence is worth Anything to Anyone but unfortunately i do.#but i don't get it #i wanna talk about me

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