#but my therapist also said that me being in a long term relationship is a green flag for clem

[beautifulcherryblossomcoffee]

I NEED TO UNPACK SOME THINGS I NEED TO UNPACK SOME THINGS OHHHHH NOOOOO

[ilsolefiesta]

some self-analytic observations based on my natal chart

1. the 9th house Moon & Saturn + Sagittarius IC conjunction with Chiron always make me think that my true happiness and home are elsewhere but here. I'm always dreaming of moving abroad but Saturn... I've never even travelled abroad. hope I make it someday.

2. also about the 9th house Moon. I can't say for sure if this is the reason... maybe I can also add Pisces DSC here. but all my relationships (there have only been two of them, lol) had some... foreign fleur, I guess? despite the fact that there were no actual cultural or mental differences between us, my first boyfriend still was from a different nationality. as for the second one, he was a Sagittarius with experience of living in different countries. well, when is my turn, huh???

3. some people might consider Libra Venus in the 2nd house to be materialistic... WELL, I can say that this is only partly true. perhaps the restrictions of Virgo's placements don't allow me to go crazy with money issues. but to be honest... both of my ex-partners had a better financial status than me. I swear, I didn't choose them for that reason!!!

4. my Taurus Moon (Moon again...) makes me a true foodie. my mood totally depends on whether or not I've eaten. I've had situations where I get mad at someone simply because I'm hungry. I see delicious food as the main source of happiness in my life. and here goes big BUT. my Moon is squared by Uranus, so guess who has eternal dieting periods and eating disorder?

5. my Sagittarius Pluto is located in my 3rd house and it is also the ruler of this house. my little sister, who is Rising Sagittarius with Scorpio Moon, and I have a really deep relationship, but we ALWAYS seem to have intense and sarcastic arguments. she is extremely emotional and vulnerable (+ Cancer Sun), so she often attacks before someone else can hurt her, like a hedgehog. my cutie.

6. continuing the topic of the Moon and family in general. my Taurus Moon has made my relationship with my mother seem a bit... materially focused? I love her dearly, but for a long time I saw her as someone who just cooked, bought my clothes, earned money and was concerned about my physical well-being. in terms of emotions we were stable and neutral. by contrast, my sister has far more intense feelings - they have many arguments, resentments and mutual claims. it's strange and fun to witness this love-hate dynamic.

7. I also see a connection between the charts of our parents and our charts. my mother is Rising Cancer with Sagittarius Sun. it's vice versa for my sister. despite the fact that she is an exact copy of our father in terms of appearance... my 1st house Sun makes me a real father's daughter. btw, he had Libra Sun with Virgo placements. so, it's again vice versa. my personality is greatly influenced by his, and his upbringing has had a significant impact on me. having Chiron conjunction with IC as a family house... losing him is still one of my most painful wounds.

8. 1° Virgo Mars in the 12th house supported by Capricorn Lilith... I'm still learning how to deal with my anger in a healthy way and the need to control everything. sometimes I feel a truly destructive desire to release my anger, even if it hurts other people. in such cases, I usually go for a walk alone for about 30.000 steps to fix it and calm down.

9. the conjunction of my Jupiter and MC makes me extremely delusional about becoming famous and global. I'm not sure what to do about it. maybe I should see a therapist.

10. the connection (however it's not very accurate in my case, somewhere it is stated to be a conjunction) of Venus and Mercury in Libra is usually said to have some special, magnetic voice features. while I cannot say for sure what is meant by "special features", I've often been told that my voice and way of speaking have a calming effect on people and can even make them feel sleepy if they listen for too long.

11. I guess, it's again about my active 9th house, but I'm good at learning foreign languages and it comes naturally to me.

12. having Rahu in my 11th house... I guess it has an aim to teach me how important friends are. my social circle greatly changed many times over the years.  I've had about 10 "best friends", but we don't communicate anymore. as my 11th house is in Cancer, each time it was very personal and dramatic for me. so, at some point I began to think about friends with "easy come - easy go" philosophy and didn't want to be attached to someone anymore. after that, I met someone who has been my best friend for four years already, and we've been through living together, long-distance communication, shared interests, traveling together, and haven't had any serious arguments yet. I think this is also connected to my Ketu-Lilith conjunction in Capricorn and control issues, something from "previous" karmic experience. after learning to let things go their own way, I have succeeded.

13. having my Saturn in square with my Mars makes me a kinda... renegade? I've always had troubles with authority figures, like teachers and directors. like "why should I listen to and respect you if you're saying nonsense?" however, my Mars is weak, so I tend to just silently complain and endure it, haha.

14. also, there is an interesting connection between Sagittarius IC and Gemini Saturn in the 9th house. my family is strongly religious and I was raised according to Christian beliefs. as the 9th house is also the house of faith, guess whose Gemini Saturn is rationalizing everything and saying: "it has nothing to do with me. I cannot simply believe in something 1) unjust 2) having weak evidence" etc. I guess my family secretly hates me for this when we discuss religion...

15. Libra Venus trine Aquarius Uranus has given me a good aesthetic sense in terms of visual arts. I'm not that bad at digital art (art in general, but that's not the main issue). damn, why it feels like I'm bragging... nevertheless, my friends and family often ask me to take photos of them and do "post-production", as I've been learning Photoshop since I was 11. I'm really a huge perfectionist when it comes to it. I "blame" Uranus specifically because it rules technologies.

16. Mercury is the dominant planet in my chart and it doesn't have any harsh aspects. + it forms a trine with my Uranus. I learned to speak when I was around 1-1.5 years old.

17. I don't know why, but Virgo Sun & Ascendant haven't made me obsessed with cleaning, despite the stereotypes. in fact, my house often gets messy. HOWEVER, when I do start cleaning, it can take up the whole day...

18. Sun and Ascendant in the same sign really make me really obvious to define. people often say that I'm that one pedantic killjoy when it comes to communication. I'm really sorry about this, but I can't help it, haha.

19. Pluto in the 3rd house + Virgo Mars in the 12th house, I guess, is the duo which explains my irrational love to songs with some harsh, disrespectful, and dark lyrics. I mention Virgo Mars here because I feel that it helps me to deal with my internal aggression properly. and also Libra Venus and Mercury in the 2nd house... my guilty pleasure is to listen to rappers' lyrics, when they sing about being broke nonames initially and achieving money, girls, fame and, overall, being on top now.

20. active 5th house with Leo as a ruler of the 12th house... it's tough. I really enjoy imagining myself on stage, receiving attention. I think I have a potential at least to act 'cause my image and appearance can dramatically change if I want them to. a friend of my ex-boyfriend, who saw my Instagram profile once said that he couldn't believe that the same person was in all the photos. my makeup artist also told me that I have the appearance of a chameleon and it's possible to create any image on it. but the reality is cruel and when I actually receive attention, I become scared and shy, not knowing what to do next. is there any way to overcome this..?

21. btw, Virgo ASC and that "you can be anyone" feature. I personally believe that it's hard to identify them by their appearance as this ASC can give a slightly... standardized appearance? especially if a certain person has some strong planets connected to ASC / the 1st house (for example, my 1st house Sun gave me red hair when I was a child), they can easily be mistaken for anyone. I may be biased, but you can identify Virgo Rising by their behavior or style, but not by physical traits.

Thank you for reading!

Maybe there are some mistakes, so I'm sorry.

That's how my first post came to be. I've talked a lot about myself. Damn. But writing about oneself is always the easiest thing to do. Hope someone can find it relatable. I also attach my natal chart here. Maybe you will find something interesting in it or make some assumptions, I'm opened to discuss your placements if you want to!

Pictures credits: Pinterest

[thistransient]

Halfway through July, and I have neglected to write my yearly birthday introspection, although it did occur to me that between my birthday and the new year I was in fact doing two introspections a year anyways.

For certain reasons I've been waffling about it, but it's also quite nice to be able to look back and compare with the previous year, to see what's changed (sometimes unexpectedly) and what's still the same. Last year I mentioned I "made a close friend [...] and disentangled myself from a draining relationship", but in the end I had been drawn to said friend because he was the polar opposite of the person I was disentangling myself from, and while a different extreme might have been refreshing in the moment, that too was unsustainable in the long run. I think what finally dragged me out of the cycle of too-clingy/too-distant nebulous just-friends-but-what-if sort of relationships was twofold: I started going to counselling with a goal (not the usual "I feel like I'm having a breakdown so I'll see a therapist for 3-6 months before ditching"), and also got into a communal hobby such that I was able to make casual friends and attend regular and diverse events with a time limit (rather than laser focusing on one person and relying on them for all my socialising).

A year ago I said I was feeling adrift, goal-less, and filled with the sort of summer malaise inspired by the scorching Taipei weather this time of year. Unfortunately we are still rather scorched. The temperature and UV levels somewhat put a damper on my usual practice of walking around outside looking at things. On the positive side, I did struggle through the adrift-ness and applied for one (1) grad school program over the winter, which I didn't get into but I did learn that I feel better when I'm working on something, and I was also motivated to finally take Taiwan's Chinese proficiency exam to open up my options for the sort of programs I could try for in the future (I passed a level higher than I expected to, and it was great to feel acknowledgment of my competence at something I'd really put long-term effort into). After the grad school rejection I started planning the trip to Ladakh, which allllmost felt like it involved a similar level of paperwork and fuss- and actually pulling that off in the end (ok, even tho this was after my birthday) despite all my fears and anxiety (particularly around travelling post-transition) was also a great confidence boost. (For a week after I also had this frantic urge to drastically change my life, and I can't tell if it wore off with time or if the heat simply drained out all ambition beyond staying out of the sun and sitting in front of the fan eating cold dragonfruits.)

I have at least two proper goals now, and although one may require starting over entirely from an educational standpoint, as they say, "the time will pass anyways". On my bike rides at night I do tend to start pondering what shall become of me, creeping along in the years but being no closer to permanent or even temporary residency status than any other time I write about it either wistfully or with well-intentioned but otherwise ultimately futile determination, nor feeling like I am useful for any sort of capitalist pursuits. (I suppose this is the part of reflection wherein things have stayed the same, and we must stay tuned for next year.) But I also believe I have made some progress in deflating a little the omnipresent catholic guilt at simply existing, not to mention the adjacent notion that enjoying life a bit and not being maximally miserable at all times is a SIN. By this I mean I have gone twice now to a nice hair salon to let a beautiful woman shampoo, condition, and also give me a haircut that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a bichon-frise immediately after.

All in all, I would say the verdict is incremental improvement. (Okay maybe I'm also racking up incremental nerve damage from all the shibari but you win some you lose some.) My housing/employment/visa-running status hasn't changed dramatically but I feel more hopeful and kinder with myself. I think my Chinese reading speed has kicked up a notch. I've managed to keep the instant noodle consumption under control. I've sent a lot of postcards on my quarterly trips, which are generally well-received. I have taken great delight in growing many plants in the window cage (whether they survive is another thing, RIP to the tomato plants while I was away, bravo to the basil that miraculously rehydrated from what seemed to be a completely unsalvageable state, sorry to the lemon tree sprout that was apparently doing fine on its own before I came back and over-watered it to death). Things feel kinda okay, and I used to be quite suspicious of this because surely they were only going to get worse again, but these days I figure hey, even so, might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

[joycew-blog]

Special RnM Ask:

If you were given the opportunity to write one episode dedicated to Rick in a romantic relationship, who would you ultimately pair him with? Why? What would happen, or what sort of plotline would you go with?

Oh jeez, that's a very good question. If it were a sexual relationship it would be one thing, but a romantic one? You've definitely given me food for thought. I think it really depends on where Rick is at in the story. If I were to write it right now (so directly after season 7) I think he's still very busy getting his shit together. He's not stable enough to get in a proper romantic relationship that isn't toxic or won't fall apart. That doesn't mean he can't try to tho! I just don't think it would be something that would work for long term. But if I were to pick a scenario it could either be a random new alien character that he quickly got attached to (like Daphne in season 5) or an existing character that he has a past with. I rather pick existing characters since that's easier for me to imagine and write for. My first thought was Mr Nimbus, but then I also saw a mention somewhere of Curtis which would be a good choice as well. But I prefer to pick Nimbus cause he really deserves more screentime and he has some sort of past with Rick that could be shown in the episode. So if I were to write the episode itself it would start with some sort of peace treaty. Rick bringing back the conch and sort of apologizing in his own Rick-ish way for being a dick. Maybe he even got pushed to do this by his family or therapist. They'll bicker a lot and it looks like it'll end in a fight again, but at the same time Rick brought back the conch which is unusual for him, so they decide to bury the hatchet for now.

Rick didn't know what to do next so, well... why not visit Nimbus' kingdom? It's been a long while and it might be a good start to keep the peace going. Of course knowing both Rick and Nimbus, things get horny real fast and they are having a one-night stand. They both had a great time and that's how the snowball started rolling. Rick visits Nimbus more often and it puts him in a good mood, to the point that even his family starts to get suspicious. Summer starts calling him out for being in 'loooveeeee' and Morty tries to stop her from doing that cause he's happy that Rick's happy. But the seed is planted and now things get too intimate for Rick. And Rick being Rick he of course starts to push Nimbus away. In return Nimbus gets angry and confronts him about it and they start fighting again. During the fight they start screaming what goes through their minds by insulting each other, digging in their personalities etc. Until Rick yells "I can't believe my grandkids think I fucking fell in love with you!" Anddd that made Nimbus stop fighting real fast and he looks at Rick like he's grown two heads. They talk it out and find out that their feelings are mutual; They are not in love, but definitely love to keep hanging out with each other more. They work best as friends with very good benefits.

Maybe it gets a bit fanficy at the end there tho, but I do genuinely believe that their relationship works best as friends in the end.

But! I have a second answer! Like I said before, if Rick were to go in a relationship right now it would not end well. But if I were to look at endgame? Then Birdrick would definitely be on the table! However, I don't think this a relationship that would get build and written in one episode. Rick and BP have a strained relationship right now, they are barely on speaking terms, so I think we should have more episodes of them together in general before they go in a romantic direction. Like Rick meeting Birddaughter, perhaps by rescuing her from the Galactic Federation cause she got caught again. Or maybe she's heard a lot of stories about Rick from the Federation that made her curious. Maybe have BP and Rick reminisce about the past! I'm definitely still curious what music the Flesh Curtains were making. And after allll that buildup we can have an episode where they get together. It could perhaps be more dramatic, like them going on an adventure and things go very wrong! One of them ends up on the verge of dying, which in turn makes the other realize they don't want to live without the other anymore. And things kinda keep going from there.

So I think there's a lot of different possibilities about having a romantic episode with Rick. But it would definitely be a hectic one, since Rick is a dumb-dumb when it comes to feelings and it's definitely an R&M thing to do. And also it would be queer as fuck, no more being sneaky on wither Ricks falls for guys or not! Unless that's already been established in an earlier episode.

(ohmygod this got so long, I wasn't expecting to write a fanfic today)

[hippolotamus]

Song 44 for a spotify inspired drabble please? If possible to Buddie? If not any ship is good!

Hello, friend!!!!! I thought for sure yours would be sad but the words took a very different direction. Also it's not even remotely drabble length... *shrugs*

Buck doesn’t remember exactly when the dreams started, just that it was sometime during his 1.0 phase. Like his subconscious realized before he did that sleeping around wasn’t cutting it. That he craved something deeper and more complex than purely physical relationships.

The first time he brushes the experience off as odd, but not necessarily unwelcome. He remembers “waking up” in his dream, laying in his bed. The thing that makes this different is the sense of calm and belonging. The feeling of being wanted. As far as he can tell, he isn’t imagining anyone else with him, yet he still feels like he’s being held. Truthfully, it’s nice. 

Night after night the dreams continue whether he’s at home or the station. Then, when he least expects it, they suddenly change. The entity cocooning around him begins to take on more shape, progressing with every sleep until there’s a fully formed person. 

The revelation, however intriguing, is frustrating because he isn’t allowed to see them. Whoever it is has strong arms, is about the same height, and holds him so close. Like Buck is the most precious person to exist. Sometimes he swears he can feel warm breath tickling the back of his neck. 

And then Buck begins dating Abby. As he spends the night more often, the dreams stop. He would be lying if he said that didn't bother him. Buck is happy with Abby – she’s sweet, beautiful, and the sex is nothing to complain about – but there’s something missing. It creates a persistent longing. An ache for a person who only exists in his dreams. Kinda pathetic when he thinks about it. That doesn’t stop the flood of relief when Abby leaves and the dreams begin again as if they never stopped.

Now, though, Buck gets more details. This person – man – has soft, chestnut hair; cheekbones that could probably cut glass;  thick, dark eyelashes; and a hint of stubble Buck longs to trace with this thumb and have it be real. He’s beautiful. A term Buck’s never really considered in terms of the guys he’s found attractive, but it fits here. 

The man always appears peaceful and unburdened, though not completely. As if there’s an undercurrent of worry that only leaves when he’s asleep. 

Buck starts to question his own sanity when he finds himself longing to soothe whatever is bothering his… person. If he didn’t think it would get him sent straight back to the department therapist he would say something to Bobby. And he’s not sure if he can take it to Hen either. So he keeps it to himself, researching anything he can find. Needless to say the results are disappointing. Every promising article or forum posting leads to an eventual dead end. He begins to consider that he may never have an explanation. 

~

“Now that is a beautiful man,” Chim exclaims.

“Where’s the lie? And I like girls,” Hen adds. 

Buck whips around to see who they’re talking about, nearly dropping his phone in the process. 

“Holy shit,” he murmurs. “It’s him.”

send me 1-100 and i'll write you a drabble based on the corresponding song

[lykaios2]

You don’t have to do this, this is just me asking, but do you think you could do a yonder ROTTMNT  brothers x autistic reader? (separate of course)

my good [insert gender neutral term used to reference a person here], if you put something into my inbox I am going to write it

anyway uh little disclaimer: I may be self diagnosed with autism but by no means does that make me an expert, people's experiences are different and I don't mean to stick stereotypes on people

anyways hope you enjoy! ❤️

Leo:

-Leo thinks you’re adorable

-All of your little stims and fidget toys

-But a lot of his romantic gestures seem to be off the table

-He loves looking into your eyes, but he doesn’t like it when you don’t look into his

-He’ll turn your face towards his so he can see your beautiful eyes

-Sometimes you’ll tear up because you’re uncomfortable from the long period of eye contact

-But he only thinks it makes your eyes more beautiful

-He is also very fond of picking you up out of nowhere

-While he knows you don’t like being scared like that, it’s the only way other than holding hands that he can be close to you

-(But sometimes he’ll break into your home at night and cuddle with you while you sleep)

Raph:

-Raph loves taking care of youHe knows very well that you need some extra help sometimes

-And he’s very glad that he’s the one that can give it to you

-His favorite thing is giving you bear hugs to help with your sensory issues

-In that moment, you’re safe in his arms, and he’s the only one you’ll ever need

-But he doesn’t like when other people help you

-He’s supposed to be your one and only savior

-The only one who knows what you need, that can help you

-One time you asked if you could go see a therapist to help with your anxiety, and he got very upset

-“Why would you need to go see anyone else? I’m all you’ll ever need, babe…no one else knows you like I do. They can’t help you like I can. You don’t need to see a therapist.”

-He said in such a loving tone that you were even convinced he was right…

Mikey:

-Mikey puts you first

-He knows everything that you need

-He is so eager to help you, in fact, that sometimes he goes a little overboard

-Every day he gives you a new fidget toy to use

-And he gets very sad if you reject his offer

-(Even though you already have hundreds)

-He tends to treat you like a kid

-Asking how your day’s been, if you need anything

-He cooks you food, drives you everywhere, puts you to bed

-It gets a little annoying sometimes, being treated like that

-But if anyone were to even lay a finger on you, he goes full defensive mode

-God forbid anyone insult you

Donnie:

-As someone who also has autism, he understands your needs

-But he still gets a little frustrated sometimes

-He wants to love you, but you make it a little hard sometimes

-His unexpected hugs from behind often make you jump, which he doesn’t like

-Your need to be alone more often than usual makes him mad

-Whenever you’re stressed or anxious, he tries to calm you down with hugs and kisses, which only makes it worse

-He has fidget toys on hand for you, because he knows those will always calm you down

-He gets mad whenever he has to use them, though

-He doesn’t like that something else has your attention more

-He also doesn’t understand why his love won't calm you down

-Your love and affection will calm him down, so why doesn’t it work the other way around?

-And sure, you may have autism, but so does he

-So why can he be the only “normal” one in the relationship?

[ititledit]

Terrible headline choice, but overall I'm glad child free women are getting some mainstream coverage

________________

The number of women choosing not to have children is growing and the global birth rate is plunging.

While their reasons vary from climate worries to financial concerns and health complications, those making the decision to be "child-free by choice" say societal acceptance is yet to come, often leaving them feeling ostracised.

The BBC spoke to members of Bristol Childfree Women, a social group with more than 500 members, set up by women and for women who have decided not to have children.

While Caroline Mitchell always knew she never wanted children, she wasn't prepared for how hard reaching "child-bearing age" would be.

The 46-year-old, who lives with her husband in Brislington, Bristol, said while it never bothered her when she was younger, she had not anticipated the barrage of personal questions she would face as friends and acquaintances started to have children.

"I have felt like a freak because of it," she said.

"I feel like my perspective and my experience is just not acceptable."

In Caroline's eyes, society is set up for motherhood.

"You realise how you're quite excluded from a lot of life," she said.

"It's really hard for me to meet people, because it's all about the women you meet at the school gates or the writing clubs for mums."

Caroline said she thinks that sometimes women with children believe the "whole world" is set up for child-free women.

"Actually, it's really exclusionary," she said.

Many in her circle of friends have children and while they have never knowingly done anything to make her feel different, she says, the fact they are "all doing one thing" and she is doing another has been "quite hard".

While Caroline is "100% certain" and "very comfortable" in her identity, she admits she has, on occasion, “agonised" about her decision.

She said that was down to the "cultural expectation" of what was normal and the concept that if you were a woman, having a child was "the natural thing to do".

Official figures released in 2022, external show record numbers of women are reaching the age of 30 child-free.

More than half (50.1%) of women in England and Wales born in 1990 were without a child when they turned 30 in 2020, the first generation to do so, according to the Office for National Statistics.

Megan Stanley, who is originally from Oxfordshire and lives in Bristol, was so certain about her decision to not have children, she has been trying to get sterilised since the age of 19.

When it comes to her painful periods, Megan said it feels "cruel" to go through the "suffering every single month for a body function" she feels she does not need.

"I know that sterilisation doesn't solve periods but it does alleviate a lot of those major symptoms," she said.

But the 31-year-old said she has come up against hurdle after hurdle.

“The doctors would say ‘you're still a bit young’ or ‘you might change your mind’,” she said.

The furthest Megan got was when she was 29 and had an appointment with a surgeon.

"I'd prepared everything - my medical history, prepared all my line of reasoning. I'd even gone as far as to get a testimony from the therapist I was seeing. I'd gone the full mile," she said.

However, permission was not granted once the gynaecologist asked about her relationship status.

"At the time I'd been dating my now long-term partner for maybe three months," Megan said.

She told the doctor that her partner also definitely did not want children and he had already had a vasectomy.

Megan said the doctor then told her that if her partner had a vasectomy, “then you don't need to have this done, do you?"

It was then that Megan said she realised it was "inescapable" and they were "just not going to do it".

"Why should what happens to my body be beholden to what he's done to his?" she said.

"It's got to the point now where I long for the menopause. That's what I'm looking forward to."

Caroline believes women without children may be “complicit” in keeping cultural expectations as they are.

"We don't talk about it - so there's still this thought that it's what everyone does," she said.

"Motherhood is just everywhere all the time, in your face."

She said it was hard not fitting in with the "norm of society" and at times, she had wished she was "different".

"My life would have been easier in some ways," she said.

Yet for many women, whatever choices they make, they seem to beat themselves up about it and "seem to be not very accepting of everyone's choice", Caroline added.

Fiona Powley said she knew she did not want to be a mother from the age of 12 after seeing her own mum struggle with motherhood.

“I just thought motherhood didn't look like lot of fun," she said.

Now 49, Fiona runs the Bristol Childfree Women group, external and while she is currently experiencing menopausal symptoms, she has "no panicking feeling" that she did not use her ability to reproduce.

"It feels very comfortable," she said.

Ironically Fiona now looks at herself and thinks she could have actually done “quite a good job of parenting" but she "never really wanted it enough".

However, like Caroline and Megan she said new people she meets can react negatively when she tells them she chose not to have children.

“There's being told you'll regret it. What's your point of existing? If you don't have children you're not valid as a woman," Fiona said.

Fiona has even been called "selfish" and some have questioned who will look after her when she is old.

“It's almost like people feel uncomfortable," she said.

“It's probably because it never occurred to them that they also had a choice.”

Megan can sympathise.

In the past, the reaction to her not wanting children has been quite "visceral", she said.

She claims some people have painted her as "a child-hater, or a mean person” because of it.

"I think my not wanting kids is just an innate thing to who I am," she said.

Fiona said there were so many reasons why people decide not to have children.

Looking back, she thinks her own reasons were "probably quite unhealthy", but she knows that she is not going to "suddenly wake up as an old lady and feel bitter and regret".

Caroline said she would be a "resentful mother", adding there were a "huge amount of upsides" to not having children, like focusing her time on her relationship with her husband and her hobbies.

Megan agrees.

“There’s a lot of joy to be had in not having kids," she said.

“It isn't all about freedom and money. It's about choice."

[epicbuddieficrecs]

Favorite Buddie Fics (so far!)

Hi 911 fam!

This has been way, waaaaaaay past overdue. The weewoo show got a hold of me last May and, for some reason, I resisted making a fic rec blog about it. I think I was kind of in disbelief that I, a serial long-term monoshipper, had adopted a second new ship in less than a year 😆 But it seems like I'm a sucker for a good Best Friends to Lovers, Found Family, Trauma Bonding vibe!!

I figured I ought to start off this blog with my favourite fics I've read so far. These are the ones that are, to me, the most memorable, that I've already re-read once (or twice!) in the last few months. I absolutely love them!

I'm going to try and start making recs here a bit more often! In the meantime, if you want more fics I've enjoyed, you can have a look at my ao3 bookmarks here. You can also find me on Twitter and Bluesky @/epicficrecs !

I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think about those fics and what are YOUR all time favourites? 😊

Being Eddie by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Time Travel, Post-Season 6, Getting together | 80K | Teen): When Eddie starts seeing a new therapist, he’s presented with the opportunity to revisit several days from his past and right regrets that still bother him. OR: Eddie goes through the time travel therapy process of the 2009 Canadian TV show Being Erica.

Evan Buckley & The Coma-Verse of Madness by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Coma AU, Multiverse | 58K | Teen): After being struck by lightning on a call, Buck experiences a plethora of alternate realities showing him different directions his life could have taken. Fighting hard to get home, Buck learns what, or who, is important to him in every lifetime.

Your Scars and Your Lonely Heart by Taste_is_Sweet (Sentinels AU, Canon Divergent - Tsunami | 82K | Teen): Clara Williams just wanted to visit Pacific Park during her layover in Los Angeles. She never expected to find a young, exceptional Sentinel dying for lack of a bond. Actually, what she really never expected was a tsunami, or the same Sentinel to save her life. But Clara's a Guide, so now she's on a mission to keep Evan "Buck" Buckley alive until she can get him to Eddie Diaz, the Guide who should have bonded with him, but didn't. Because Clara can't bond with Buck, no matter how much she wants to. There's just one problem: Buck's convinced Eddie doesn't want him, and he might not survive long enough to find out the truth.

let the world have its way with you by fleetinghearts/ @shitouttabuck (Post-Coma AU | 54K | Explicit): or, a bucket list that’s really about buck needing to make a change and an eddie who’s ready to do anything to see him fall in love with life again. it takes some crossing off for eddie to realise—the thing at the top of the list in his own heart? it’s been right here all along

Leave the Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) by HMSLusitania/ @hmslusitania (Canon Divergent, Amnesia AU, Post-Season 5 | 44K | Mature): An accident on a call leaves Buck with custody of Chris after Eddie is... missing presumed. While they navigate their new family circumstances -- and fight to stay together, despite Eddie's parents' best efforts -- a John Doe wakes up in a coma ward with no memory of his own life beyond the knowledge he has a son named Christopher and, somehow, he needs to get home.

Leading with the Left by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Canon Divergent, Different First Meeting, Stripper Buck | 84K | Explicit): When Buck said he was a "bartender" in "South America" what he actually meant was "stripper" in "Mexico." And when Eddie said, "What's your problem?" what he actually meant was, "Is this about the time you gave me a lap dance?" In other words, there's a few things the 118 doesn't know about Buck. Or Eddie. Or Buck and Eddie's relationship.

for all the haunts and homes of men by euadnes/ @kananjarus (Canon Divergent, Post-Apocalyptic, Station Eleven Crossover | WIP | 9/? | 69K | Mature | Warning: Violence): The year by the old calendar is 2025. Home is gone. Home is a failed rescue mission and an echo of a memory. Home is a lost boy living in a wooden house by the sea. But first, there was a promise. Christopher, when it's safe, I'll take you back to your father. Buck had all but given up on keeping it after the world had died and everyone in it. But just as some oaths refuse to be forgotten, so the same can be said about the endurance of love.

(yes I put a WIP there because it's just that good)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i broke up with my boyfriend now?

I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for about 5 years. Because of various reasons, this relationship has entered a dynamic I'm no longer comfortable with, and I want to break it off. To put it simply, he's much more reliant on me than I am on him, to a point where it's almost a dependency (described as such by my therapist), and he seems to be much more long-term committed than I am, talking long into the future we have together in his mind.

Here's where the might-be-an-asshole part comes in. He's going through a very rough time right now. He's struggling to find work, can't handle being in school, is stuck living with his parents which is not a great situation, and his mental illness has been getting worse. His grandmother also died about a month ago.

I feel like breaking up with him now might be a bad idea, but my friends have said that it would be worse to wait until he's happier only to make him feel bad again. I really really don't want to be in this relationship anymore, especially with how much pressure is put on me for his entire mental state and sole source of comfort. It's gotten to the point where I find myself resenting him because of how stressful it is for me, especially with the problems I've been trying to deal with in a similar vein.

So, would I be the asshole for ending the relationship now instead of waiting?

What are these acronyms?

[nerdieforpedro]

Questions and Confessions

Chapter Two of A Safe Place for Us

Dieter Bravo x Aisha Smith (black plus size AFAB)

My entire masterlist and blog are for readers 18+ MDNI. I do not consent to my work being used in AI, recommended on TikTok, borrowed or plagiarized.

Summary: Aisha is firm on her plans on having a baby by way of a sperm donor. During a FaceTime call, Dieter is honest about what he really thinks.

Warnings: last time we're mentioning sperm donation I swear, pregnancy kink (I dunno where it came from and why it is still here, but yeah), mentions of cum, Dieter rumors

Word Count: about 1.7k

Notes: I dug in hard with the friends to lovers/idiots and love and there's one more trope we'll see next few chapters. 🤭 It starts next one.

Main Masterlist/ Dieter Bravo Masterlist/ AO3 Link

As an Oscar winner, one would think Dieter would know how to fake his way through most situations. 

“I need five shots of tequila to even entertain this conversation Aisha, especially with you calling me while I’m filming.”

“When else am I supposed to tell you? I didn’t want to tell you over FaceTime, but you’ve been avoiding me during this whole process. You said you would come with me. I’ve rescheduled twice already.”

An exasperated Bravo leans back in his rolling chair in front of the desk in his hotel room. He can’t keep avoiding it. He told Aisha he’d go with her, but has had press and such he’s been doing. Really they could have waited but in a very un-Dieter fashion, he jumped at the chance to do them. Much to his agent and manager’s surprise. That way he would have a legitimate reason for not going with his friend to a sperm bank. The more he thought about it, he can’t watch her thumb through binders of other men and pick one to be her baby’s daddy. Can he tell her that? Be honest? His therapist suggested he should be but he’s gotten no indications for Aisha over the years that she’s thought of him as anything other than a friend.

“I was doing some press stuff Ai. It’s not that I didn’t want to.” That was the entire reason, he’s lied again.

“I’m making another appointment and I’m going. I’m in my mid-thirties. I want a kid. And you just said you were filming.”

“Shouldn’t you have the kid with someone though? Like not even just for the making of, just as support for you and the baby?” Maybe he can talk her out of it, but she caught him in his lie.

“I haven’t found anyone good enough for that. That I would even want to be with long term, let alone have a child with. I’m not subjecting myself to shitty relationships anymore Dee. You know that.” He does know that, it’s why he knows in the last two years since that failed engagement, she’s dated but it’s been nothing substantial. Bravo’s proud of Aisha for that. Knowing her worth, but does that mean he wasn’t even a thought? A possibility?

“So am I not good enough? I wasn’t even considered? God I’d thought I’d been doing a hell of a lot better. Being sober and all. I could be a good father Aisha. Better then some asshole in a binder.” There was silence. Why wasn’t she still talking? Fuck…he said that aloud didn’t he? Welp, he can say he’s been honest now. He can’t look at her, she’s likely disgusted. Who thinks about putting a baby in their best friend and tells them like this?

“Dieter what do you mean?”

He says nothing. His hands are covering his face. It’s mortifying. So much more therapy. She got to hate him now.

“Dieter. Explain.” Aisha’s voice is stern. “Look at me please.”

He hangs his head as he places his hands on the desk. It feels cool, he’s not even wearing his robe and he’s burning up. Dieter feels like he’s on fire, he might be re-considering what he’s about to say, but he’s already gone this far. “I…could be your sperm donor.” He finally looks at her. She looks shocked, which is reasonable. Her arms are crossed, also reasonable. “I just don’t think you need to go through all these hoops and money when I’m right here Aisha. Ready and willing. I can give you a baby.”

She doesn’t say anything. Dieter’s scared that he’s lost her. Maybe she’ll tell him never to speak to her again. This was one relationship outside of his career he hadn’t fucked up. Now he had. He can’t come back from this.

“H-How would that work? What does it look like?” Is what he hears her ask. Timid. He hadn’t gotten that far. Now he has to improvise, is it still improv if he’s just honest? “I hadn’t thought of asking you Dee, you’ve never mentioned kids. You’re not less than. I just didn’t think you wanted anything to do with it.” Her assessment isn’t wrong. Dieter did not want anything to do with Aisha being pregnant by a sperm donor. Being pregnant by him? He wants everything to do with that. Too many dreams about rubbing her round belly and then picturing a small burrito wrapped baby on a bed between them. Him smiling because it’s better than all the blow, molly and Kit Kats. Though when able, he would have the kid start eating Kit Kats and he might even share.

“Well I wouldn’t want it to be artificial insemination. We would do it the natural way, though we’d keep track of when you’re ovulating. I could keep my schedule a bit more open or fly you out to me in case I just can’t leave. Then when you do get pregnant,” He left no room for ambiguity, his mission would be to get her pregnant. Dieter finds it best not to dwell on the getting her pregnant part. His eyes haven’t left her face and she hasn’t looked away. Maybe there is a small universe where this is okay. “We’d go to your appointments together and come up with a birth plan. You are going to need to be out of that studio apartment. I know you love it, but you and our kid are going to need more room. Maybe a townhouse or a single family home. I don’t know if you just want to have one or more Aisha. But I’ll be there through all of it. You shouldn’t be doing this alone.” Dieter pauses knowing this is a confession, but it’s gonna all spill out. “We’ll co-parent some smart goofy ass kids Aisha. Maybe they’ll even be into the arts like us. I want to give you that. You deserve the world, but I know you know that. Kit Kat.”

Aisha is crying. It had been difficult to reconcile that she’d be choosing single parenthood. But from incompatible guys she’s been meeting on apps and her traitorous fiance, it seemed like the only option. It’s not like she was blind to Dieter’s charms. They’re only friends, it’s what is best for him. When Dieter starts blurring lines, he gets into trouble. He’s healthy and she doesn’t want to take that from him. She could tell he hated the idea, but much like when she sat him down to watch Grantchester he suffered through it for her. But now he’s talking about an entire life together with her and it seems like he’s thought about it a great deal. Would she be able to just co-parent with him? And not have him to herself? She’s happy he’s willing but she can only accept him with other women now because he’s just her friend. Anything else and she wants him to have only her while he’s suppling the seed and support. He didn’t mention anything about love or a relationship romantically.

“Dieter I…It sounds wonderful but I can���t.”

“Why won’t you let me give it to you Aisha? I just said-“

She holds her hand up to the screen. “I can’t co-parent. I’d want you there. As much as I could have you. I’m selfish and using you like this would be so mean to you and to myself. I can’t. Thank you for offering it to me. Good night Dee.” Aisha says his name softly as she concludes the call. 

Turns out in all his honesty, Bravo forgot to lead with the most important part, the entire reason he painted such a picture of their lives wasn’t just because she wanted this. It’s because he loved her and wanted to share it with her. “I’m such a dumbass.” Lamenting, he calls his driver and offers him a grand to get him to her address. He needs to make it clear. Let her know why and also ask her if that’s what she meant by ‘I’d want you here. As much as I could have you.’

Aisha goes to take a shower and can’t sleep. It’s horrible. The life he mentioned sounds perfect. It’s what she would want, when she got out, she applied lotion to her sepia brown skin, curious when she rubbed her flabby belly what it would look like pregnant. “With Dieter’s kid…oh.” She felt it when he was describing their possible life, he didn’t take his eyes off her. The entire time she felt guilty for her arousal while he was talking, even before when he said he wanted to be her sperm donor. That alone went right to her clit. He’s her friend who’s trying to help her out with something she wants. Dieter’s always been generous with her. She shakes her head and puts on her nightgown and robe, normally she doesn’t wear underwear in the evening when home alone. She grabs some ice cream and plops down on the couch, turning on Dateline. It ends up just noise as her mind wanders back to less than an hour ago. 

Into part two of why this seemingly happy wife murdered her husband and ran away with his mistress, heavy knocks are at her door. “Aisha! Open up! We need to talk! Aisha!” Panicked, she rushes to the door and pulls him inside. Her neighbors like their quiet.

“Dieter you can’t just yell and bang like that?!” Aisha is now yelling and talks a moment to calm herself. “There’s nothing to talk about.” She retakes her place on the couch. Bravo sits next to her.

“There is and it’s the reason why I told you what our lives could be.” He turns off the TV and holds her hands. Aisha looks up at him, he’s making her arousal worse. “The only reason I would think this hard about having a child is because it’s you Aisha. I love you. I wouldn’t want to have a kid with anyone else. And I don’t want you having a baby with a man who isn’t me. I want to be the one to put a baby in you.”

Aisha stands, not letting go of his hands as she makes her way backwards to her bedroom. “Then we’re starting now, Dieter. You’re going to pump me full of cum. I’m ready, get those sweatpants off. I can tell you’re not wearing boxers.” If he’s willing then she’ll see if he can really have sex with her. Given the rumors about Dieter, Aisha has always been curious if they’re well founded or not. 

Now she’ll be able to find out herself if any of them are true.

Names in the binder:

@megamindsecretlair @soft-persephone @soft-girl-musings @rosecentaur1916 @westside-rot

@mysterious-moonstruck-musings @schnarfer @yorksgirl @guelyury @readingiskeepingmegoing

@survivingandenduring @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @gwendibleywrites @pascalsanctuary @yorksgirl

Chapter One. Chapter Three

[aphrodite1288]

im sorry but saying ksoo never said Ji about his premature enlistment is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. I mean that's something he didn't decide a week before his enlistment it might be imposible for Ji not knowing that. If that's true which I think it's not the case I directly broke up with him like that's not a decision you make alone if u are in a long term relationship

First of all guys whom are Non-Kaisooists, I saw Kadi kissing and going on Vacations in Spain, Hungary, Hawaii, L.A, Philippines and Jeju, and in Sapporo and Osaka, you will not affect me or change my mind with your asks. So spear yourself the effort and don't come here if our blog irritates you! What you believe keep it for yourself no need to come convince us what you believe. Do I make you this Angry that you had to come anonymously send such dumb questions?

So back to the main topic:

If you were a real EXOL you would know EXO said Ksoo came to them without any notice and said I'm going to be enlisted in 2 months and it was in April and they clearly said they were shocked all of them when he announced that he applied for the Military and signed all the paperwork and done some of the medical checkups.

And Honey, I didn't say it ! It's the People who know better than me and you said.

The members also said he told them nonchalantly as if it wasn't a big deal. He didn't even discuss it with the company to reschedule any future projects because simply he has had enough of SM and he sabotaged them his own way. And the members said they were all so supportive.

And Ji was there with them and after Ksoo's enlistment Ji went absent for two months straight no bubble messages no Instagram lives nothing he went disappearing. under the excuse that he forgot his password. After that he was so depressed and sad and shortly before SuperM's debut he came on RadioStar show and revealed he suffered from Depression the past few months which explains his absence , he also said he is seeking medical help with a therapist!

And I still remember the MC shamelessly and Rudely asked Suho if he knew about this and him and the members were all so taken aback and they showed sad expression and that Stupid MC again shamelessly told Suho : "Did you know about your member was mentally exhausted and depressed? You Should be more attentive to your members'mental health!!" and Suho was so embarrassed and hurt that he apologized to Jongin and told him " I'll pay more attention to you and the members from now on and always come to Hyung whenever you feel like you need to talk, don't hide it". Because Ji clearly said he didn't tell any member that he was in deep depression or that he was regularly seeing a Therapist.

And it was a very critical Kadi period that he went for hiatus for two months and even earlier that year in 2019 after jenkai, Ksoo fought with SM and was reported to have left the company remember March 13th 2019?? (if you were in this blog since 2019 they talked a lot about this and explained everything regarding how Jenkai is related to Ksoo's case with SM and how it affaceted Kadi and Ji). Ksoo went missing since Jenkai exactly since January 5th when he was seen in Blue dragon awards show or whatever I don't remember the name, until his enlistment day July 1st, he was ABSENT. AKsoo took a long vacation refusing to be on any Schedule and refused to film Underdogs2 and refused all Acting projects and even refused to be on any Exo schedule as he was in a major mental health crisis and he even filed a lawsuit saying he was being overworked for 7 years with 0 off days unlike the other members, it was his first vacation since he debuted and SM only gave him 7 days vacation in 7 years and he talked about it in The 100Days Husband Press Conference and Booklet ,it's one of the main reasons he wanted to leave which is why the rumor dropped in March 2019, it was reported that he wanted all the accumulated Vacations since 2012 SM wanted to rob from him! Which is why he went missing for 6 months and we saw him going to Japan 3 times with Chanyeol in February remember? Also Baekhyun said he met Ksoo accidentally in Japan and they had a meal together. At that time Ji went to Philippines with his friends. This time Kadi were on a break from each other. And Ji didn't speak to Ksoo and there were no sightings of the both of them together anywhere and Ksoo didn't stay with Ji at all and they weren't even on talking terms.

Every couple have downfalls like this it's normal. We all almost broke up or even broken up with our partners at one point of our lives. Especially if you're in over a decade relationship of almost 14 years.

Anyway the story is too long. I can explain it all if you DM me instead of Hiding like this.

[tigreblvnc]

BLUE LOCK MATCHUP — @atsu669

Your match is...

— Isagi Yoichi

✦ Fluffy.

✦ That’s the word that comes to mind when I read your bio.

✦ Fluffy.

✦ And as I often say: not everyone can handle fluffies.

✦ Right away, I ruled out all characters that displayed excessive, toxic, or unhealthy aspects from my choices to favor those who could create a positive ++ chemistry with you.

✦ I often have two preferred choices in terms of matchups: the duo ++ like with you and Isagi, and the duo +- where the + serves to bring balance and potentially help the - become a + in turn.

✦ Honestly. Were you expecting someone else? :)

✦ I wasn’t.

✦ Isagi is perfect for this kind of tandem, very sweet, simple, and honest.

✦ (Headcanons and the one-shot are usually included in regular matchups; since you asked for just a relationship analysis, I’m leaving them out of your matchup.)

✦ Let’s go!

✦ "I see myself as a really friendly and caring person. I always want everything best for my friends and loved ones. I'm that friend who's everyone's therapist but also needs one lmao." This screams Isagi, you know? Without a doubt, I affirm that he is the healthiest and most balanced character in the entire manga. He benefits from the considerable advantage of being the main character, after all. For as many characters and dynamics as possible to revolve around him, he’s designed to be very balanced in his characteristics—those less developed being the ones subject to evolution on the field.

✦ Your relationship, therefore, is based on trust, and that’s basically how we define a healthy and steady romantic relationship. Something that seems improbable with the rest of Blue Lock's roster.

✦ "I'm an introverted dude who almost never leaves his room, it's hard to make me go somewhere." I think Isagi is very versatile in terms of relationships and can connect with both introverts and extroverts. I don’t see him as someone who pushes others, but rather someone patient and attentive, which is a great quality, giving you the time to do things at your own pace. He lets you choose when you want to go out or stay inside. It’s not a problem because he knows how to keep busy outside with football and doesn’t need to be constantly glued to you—or anyone, for that matter.

✦ … Even though we know in-game, he can develop a kind of dependency because his skills really peak when he plays with someone.

✦ "I always want people to feel safe with me, I treat them with no judgment, I'm creating a comfort space for them to open to me." :D

✦ "I'm pretty much an overthinker, I'm overthinking everything CONSTANTLY, every little detail of my interaction with someone, and it's exhausting sometimes." I could see the puzzle pieces racing in your mind like Isagi on the field. We’ll come back to this when we talk about MBTI, but being an overthinker is due to your second cognitive function, Extraverted Intuition (Ne), which gathers data in bulk and processes it constantly, without pause. That’s why you often keep thinking about a conversation long after it’s happened or wonder, "What could I have said at that moment?" You might even understand a joke years after hearing it. When you finally get it, it’s because your function has managed to connect several ideas and give you the answer you didn’t get back then.

✦ "I often find myself overreacting to the smallest problems, I'm quickly panicking. I also tend to think lowly of myself." These are among the reasons I didn’t choose another character, not even Hiori, because I find him prone to a lot of anxiety and defeatism. Isagi knows how to stay positive, get back up after a loss, and even motivate those around him. He’s naturally talented at recognizing others’ strengths and helping them bloom in the best conditions. Since he also asks a lot of questions, it makes him able to understand your thought process. It’s easier to communicate with someone who gets how you think.

✦ "I have low self-esteem and often compare myself to others in terms of appearance or skills." Isagi's ambition and pride are very contextual due to football triggering these traits in him; outside of that, we’ve seen him in more normal settings, where he’s very easygoing, accommodating, and open-minded. I see him as someone humble who knows his place and is content with simple things. Even in terms of clothing (especially in terms of clothing, actually), he’s often the most simply dressed character, reflecting someone who doesn’t feel the need to overdo it. So I think he’s great at naturally making you feel comfortable and not in competition. Some people automatically make you feel like you have to prove something, like you need to be good enough or not let them down. In my eyes, Isagi doesn’t provoke that at all in others; it’s actually the opposite. People tend to underestimate him because he doesn’t physically exude something impressive. It’s simply because he’s spent more time working on his strategies and being in his head than focusing on external appearances.

✦ I definitely see you two talking for hours about both simple and complex topics. Redoing the world together until late at night. A thought pops into your head at a random moment, and the message is sent. I imagine Isagi taking the time to carefully craft his replies, even writing long messages to explain his thoughts from A to Z. This might have scared away many of his past conversation partners, but I think you’ll particularly enjoy it because, on one hand, it reflects his depth of mind, and on the other, it stimulates your own thinking, giving you something to reflect on. It’s mental nourishment.

✦ "I love, LOVE making gifts and giving them." I believe the love language Isagi most enjoys receiving is probably words of affirmation, especially from people he holds in high regard. That’s the case with Noel Noa when he suggests that Isagi could beat him; it triggers a big reaction in Isagi. Not verbal, but very internal. His heart races, it works on him, it’s as if Noa indirectly told him he’s very good. Well, I think that’s exactly the kind of words that could greatly improve Isagi's mood—the fact that someone validates his game, his analytical skills, his rapid development since the first chapter.

✦ On his side, he naturally leans toward valuing others. It’s a natural ability he has, with acts of service (like when he cleans up for others) and quality time (the fact that he spends time thinking about others’ problems). If he were to have a more specific love language reserved just for his significant other, I think it could be physical contact (holding your hand, seeking your company, getting close to you, wrapping his arm around your waist in public…) and giving gifts. I can easily imagine him spending hours in front of stores thinking of the perfect gift for you, from the content to the wrapping, to how he’ll give it to you, where, when, how, and why. He considers every possible parameter to ensure the moment unfolds in the best possible conditions.

✦ The Wiki said: "He thinks his strong point is being able to find other people's strengths."

✦ Definitely, his other love language to receive is getting YOUR gifts, especially handmade ones. And if they’re knitted clothes? You bet he’ll wear them all the time in public!

✦ "And for the last one, I learned how to crochet! I want to make cool bags and plushies for me and my friends." Hihi.

✦ "I'm a touch-starved person." Oh my god, I’m so glad I was spot-on with this.

✦ YES.

✦ Isagi holding your hand at the bus stop, Isagi waiting for you after work, Isagi hugging you at home when he senses that’s what you need... Isagi is perceptive; he understands without words, even what isn’t said. He’s the ideal partner to approach you with tenderness without ever rushing you.

✦ "So I like when the other side also initiates physical contact." Quoting this just for the pleasure of confirming my assumptions.

✦ "I like when the other side’s patient and caring." (Again.)

✦ In terms of communication, Isagi is one of the best choices. Just because he’s an introverted temperament doesn’t mean he’s unable to express himself openly—quite the opposite, in fact. He does it better than most extroverts; it’s a very important quality that many introverts have over extroverts, by the way. The fact that you both spend so much time in your heads makes you very careful with your word choices. You like your sentences to reflect your feelings as accurately as possible. You’re typically the ones who write a message, erase it, and rewrite it until the text is as faithful as possible to your thoughts. That’s the case with Isagi, whose natural tendency is never to speak without thinking: he analyzes for a long time before drawing conclusions and verbalizing them.

✦ This type of communication can still pose another problem if you are not aware of it: the fact that his reflection takes time sometimes makes him silent for a while, the time he needs to structure his speech. From your side, it may seem like indifference or ignorance, but he will teach you that this is not the case: he simply needs time to think and come back to you with the best possible solution. Since Isagi is INFJ, this behavior is a reflection of his Introverted Intuition (Ni). This particular function needs a lot of time but constantly works in the background. It is known for suddenly bringing forth an idea out of nowhere in the middle of its user's mind.

✦ This complements users of Extraverted Intuition (Ne), whose ideas are constantly flowing and always in motion. One thought leads to another; it's like tree-branch thinking. On the other hand, for Introverted Intuition (Ni) users, these thoughts all converge towards the user themselves, leaving only the purest and most refined essence, that one idea that will eventually emerge in their mind.

✦ Quoting the Wiki on Isagi after writing all this: "He likes when he is praised or given sweets." Words of affirmation and giving gifts confirmed ;)

✦ "I'm watching anime since I was, idk, 7 or 9, and it's a big part of my life." We don't know what kind of manga Isagi reads, but we know that he does read some. Given that he's rather curious and likes to learn about other people's preferences—well, to beat them at football, but outside of that, he's genuinely interested in the person. So, I think he's open to your new discoveries and likes when you pitch him the synopses, which sometimes makes him want to dive into them too. I believe he might occasionally binge-watch on his own to come back to you with his thoughts and spark a debate, or he might watch with you under the covers, commenting out loud on what's happening on the screen.

✦ "I also love to play games like Hades or Cult of the Lamb." I don't know this video game, but we know Isagi is more interested in football games. If you like puzzle, thinking, moral choice, immersive, or story-driven games, I think it could easily captivate him as well. In fact, anything that engages his brain can absorb him for hours. Maybe you'll both start playing Inazuma Eleven together, who knows. (Wow, that’s an old reference.)

✦ "I often find myself forgetting to eat or drink when I get caught up in the game." :) I don’t need to mention that Isagi, along with Barou, is the perfect character to remind you when it’s time to eat, shower, and sleep. But I’ll say it anyway because it adds a bit more nuance and realism to your relationship: Isagi cares about your health, and even though he knows it's important to you to be on the computer for everything you love to do, he cares about your well-being and will often poke his head around the door to ask, "By the way, have you eaten?" Until one day, when he knows full well that the answer is no. So, he comes into your room with a meal tray, without saying a word, because he wants to make sure you’ve got something in your stomach.

✦ I'm canonizing Isagi as a man who knows how to cook perfectly well.

✦ And with that, I confirm that the love languages you give match well with those Isagi loves to receive, just like the ones you love to receive are naturally what he gives.

✦ (I think the physical contact moments between you will be intense.)

✦ (Like… curled up under the blankets, cuddling for hours? He’s totally up for it.)

✦ "KAISER'S HAIRCUT" :) I think it’s the first thing he noticed about you when he saw you from behind at your first meeting, and he probably looked at you suspiciously.

✦ He’s definitely handling your next haircut.

✦ (Honestly, I love that haircut too, so fight to keep it.)

✦ (I want a picture.)

✦ Last little MBTI note as promised; the INFP-INFJ couple reminds me a lot of a parent-child duo. In the sense that the INFP tends to be more influenced by their own emotions and reacts on impulse, while the INFJ naturally has the ability to absorb and process information before manifesting any kind of reaction. I think this dynamic is very present between you and Isagi, and in the long term, it’s a very healthy and close relationship that awaits you. You may have some difficulty stepping out of your comfort zones, as you are both introverted and home-loving profiles. But the major advantage is your ability to easily understand the other’s psychological workings.

A word about your match: Probably one of the sweetest matchups I've made. I love writing for Isagi; he’s underestimated too often when he’s a true gem in the midst of this bloodthirsty jungle of competitors. Take care of your Kaiser haircut and your adorable boyfriend. Go on, now!

© TIGREBLVNC 2024 | SEPTEMBER ‘24 MATCHUPS EDITION.

[illneverrecover]

make it right - epilogue | kth & knj (M)

➛pairing: Kim Taehyung x reader  ft. Kim Namjoon x reader ➛summary: He had offered to be there with you when you read it, which you had considered. He has always been supportive of you and your emotions, and you knew you could rely on him to be your rock through this, too, should you need it. But there was a little piece of you that felt it was important to be willing to face this alone; willing to face the consequences and fallout of your actions without the crutch of your current love.  ➛genre: starting out musician!AU, smut, angst. SMANGST. ➛word count: 5327 ➛rating: explicit/mature ➛warnings: mentions of previous infidelity, mentions of mature situations, a lot of talk about healing and self reflection, also about self growth, cursing, previous installments contain smut.  ➛notes: Well this was a long, long time coming. If you’ve stuck around this long - I appreciate you more than you will know!  Many apologies for the wait, but damn, was life being a bitch for a hot minute. This was very cathartic for me to write for many reasons, and I hope you enjoy! Just to be clear, this series isn’t here to romanticize infidelity, or make light of it -- but instead show how things aren’t always so black and white in real life. In reality, there are numerous, messy shades of grey, and things can become complicated very easily. This is barely edited and completely unbeta’ed, as I’m trying to be more authentic and less of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing as a personal goal in 2023. It’s been holding me back for far too long, and I’ve missed being creative. Be gentle, and let me know what you think! (P.S. - if you pick up on the TS reference, pls know I’m giving you a forehead kiss)  ➛song: everythinggoes (with Nell) - RM, NELL & Girl of My Dreams (with SUGA) - Juice WRLD, SUGA, BTS  ➛tagging: @jimins-ass-eater, @thatlongspringnight​ ➛Chapter 1 ➛ Chapter 2  ➛ Chapter 3

Everything, everything, everything goes 

Time passes. Despite change, despite everything moving and falling apart and rebuilding again, time always passes. It is unavoidable, it is necessary. It is healing simply in its existence.  

Namjoon sees that now more than anything. 

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year – a year since you walked out, since everything changed. Since his actions and inactions had finally caught up to him, and so had the consequences. 

He wanted to blame you. It would be easier to do so, he thought in the beginning, considering how everything fell apart. But it wouldn’t be honest, and it wouldn’t make him feel any better. He thought himself a good man, after all, and good men accept the fallout from their misdeeds. They dig deep and do some introspection and maybe see a therapist, and they try to be better.

He wanted to be better. 

It wasn’t easy. Looking into the depths of his mind and soul and inspecting his worst flaws is a raw, painful thing at any time, but especially after what had happened. He meditated more, channeled his feelings into his writing in the studio, and continued to work on himself. His relationship with the new producer, Mina, continued to blossom, but this time without the tainting of his indiscretions, without the shame and guilt. Namjoon found what grew between them was more beautiful this way; tending to the soil and ensuring proper watering allowed him to be his sincere, natural self, giving way to a love that came easy. 

It was hard when Yoongi left the studio, though Namjoon would be lying if he said he didn’t see it coming. It was on good terms, thanks to both of them being pragmatic despite their friendship, but it still stung. Another consequence to his transgressions, another person affected by his shortcomings. Yoongi had told him he was thinking of opening his own studio for a while, but Namjoon was almost positive the incident (and the aftermath) is what accelerated his timeline and had him leaving a few months later. 

Taehyung’s resignation had been less surprising, though equally professional. He offered to finish out his contract or to leave immediately – not wanting to leave the studio hanging, but also knowing the position this was putting Namjoon in. Namjoon could appreciate the gesture, even through the betrayal, and allowed the younger man to finish up some tracks and part ways amicably. It wasn’t long before Taehyung’s name was being released as Yoongi’s first talent, and though it felt like someone had punched him in the chest, Namjoon couldn’t help but be proud. 

He would always support them, even if they didn’t know it.

He poured himself into his work,  into his music. His first passion, his first love. She always welcomed him with warm arms, always gave him confidence and solitude to work through whatever melodies and cacophonies were clouding his mind. And as he worked through self reflection and discovery, she was there to help him work through the tougher emotions, the painful feelings, until he had a full fledged album. A raw and new piece of his soul, ready to share with the world, whenever Namjoon was ready to be vulnerable. 

So much had changed in a year. He isn’t sure if this present version of himself would even recognize the Namjoon from before, the person that he was. But he knows he wants to continue to impress that version of himself, and make him proud. 

He was ready to share his music — and himself — with the world,  but before he could, he needed to do one last thing. 

Taehyung wasn’t sure why Namjoon had wanted to see him.

His mind began racing the minute he received the text, saw the name that he hadn’t had the guts to ever delete or block from his phone. It had been almost a year since he had last been in communication with the man, when he had put in his notice at the studio.

So much had changed in a year. He had signed with Yoongi, worked extremely hard in the new studio,  and was making music he was really, really proud of. And to top it all off, he was doing it with you by his side, out in the open, for the world to see. No longer having to hide his love was one of the best things to ever happen to Taehyung, and he’d never tire of basking you in it. 

But Namjoon had asked to meet for coffee, and Taehyung couldn’t think of a reason to say no. If anything, he felt like he owed his old friend - his hyung, his brother - the time and space to say whatever it was he wanted to him. It was the least he could do, considering. 

Taehyung doesn’t regret loving you, but the guilt still gnaws at him from time to time over how things went down with Namjoon. It was you who would always reassure him that if anyone was to blame, it was you, and would help him work through his feelings. 

He had thought about reaching out to Namjoon in the months following the aftermath – to apologize, to explain where he was coming from, how genuine his feelings were for you, that he never meant to hurt him – but realized that this would only be to assuage his own shame and guilt, not because it would be anything that Namjoon actually needed to hear. That didn’t seem fair to put on him, after everything else, and so he vowed to keep his apologies to his journal for the time being. Resolved that if Namjoon wanted closure, he would let him know. 

Taehyung  hopes that’s what this meeting is about, if he’s being honest with himself. He has run this scenario through his head a million times, and out of all the conclusions he could reach, it would be the ideal one. Certainly, Namjoon would have every right to ask him to meet up if only to have a chance to give him a solid sucker punch in the face, and Taehyung wouldn’t be able to fault him for that. 

But despite knowing that things will never be the same, he would at least like for there to be peace between the two of them, for your sake if nothing else.

The coffee shop is spacious, well lit by the copious windows adorning the front of the building, and fairly quiet, considering its size. Mismatched plush couches and chairs decorated the room alongside coffee tables of varying shapes and forms, surrounded by walls lined with bookshelves stuffed to the brim. It is a very Namjoon place to pick, Taehyung thinks, deciding to peruse the menu and order before searching for his friend. 

He finds Namjoon in a back corner, tucked in an alcove that is built into the bookshelves, the only booth in the entire shop. He has one hand cupped around a mug of hot liquid, the other scrolling his phone, not seeing Taehyung approach.

Taking a deep breath, Taehyung slides himself into the booth opposite him. 

“Hey,”

Namjoon’s eyes flick up, surprise on his face quickly melting into a familiar grin. “Hey, Taehyung. How are you? You look well,”

Taehyung lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his shoulders relaxing at the elder’s tone. “Yeah, I’m good, I’m doing well. How about you? You look great,” he compliments, realizing that he means it. Namjoon has more life and color in his face than Taehyung remembered seeing in years, a new softness in his eyes that makes him seem lighter, more free. “You look happy.”

“Thank you, I’m getting there,” Namjoon chuckles, a shy smile on his face. “It’s been a lot of work, but it’s been worth it.”

For a moment, they just smile and nod at each other, a comfortable and familiar silence stretching between them. There’s  so much that Taehyung wants to ask, that he wants to say, but he follows Namjoon’s lead, instead sipping on his hot chocolate while he waits for the other man to speak.

“So, there’s some things that I need to say to you. And it might be a lot, and I’ll probably talk for a stupid amount of time, but I’m asking for you to listen ‘til the end, if you could,” Namjoon pauses then, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he winces. “If it’s too much, or if you don’t have the time for this, then I understand completely, but–”

“No, of course I have time, it’s okay. I want to hear what you have to say.” Taehyung reassures, giving him a nod. “Whatever you need.”

Namjoon smiles, taking a deep breath. 

“When I first met Y/N, she was… the brightest light,” he looks down at his drink, face softening. “So bright that she drew everyone to her like moths to flame. I was so drawn to her, so attracted to her light. That first night at the karaoke bar, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. She was shining so bright, and everyone was watching. I normally wouldn’t approach someone in a bar, but it was like I couldn’t help myself. I knew I’d kick myself if I didn’t go over, or if someone else did first, so I finally went up to her. Told her some corny joke, and she laughed hysterically.” He laughs to himself, and Taehyung smiles. That sounds like the you he knows, too. “And the moment she laughed, I was instantly hooked. I asked for her number, about floating out of that bar when she kissed me. We became inseparable. Spent all of our time together, and the rest happened quickly. I’m sure you know how she is – it’s so easy to get wrapped up in her warmth, her fire.”

Taehyung dips his chin, his lips curling  into a smirk against his volition. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” 

Namjoon’s jaw flexes at those words, otherwise he seems to have no reaction, swallowing before he continues. 

“After she moved in, things were good – comfortable, a little predictable, but good. I felt safe and confident,  knowing that she was always there, always around when I needed a bit of that light. And eventually, that comfort became complacency.” Namjoon shakes his head, drawing another breath. “I started taking advantage of the fact that she would be there when I needed. I got wrapped up in my music, and instead of trying to bring her into that with me, or share that piece of myself, I shut her out. Told myself she wouldn’t understand. Convinced myself that it would be okay once my hard work paid off and she could see the final product. But looking back, it was all excuses to be selfish and to do whatever I wanted, knowing that she loved me enough to put up with it.” 

“I’m not proud of myself for that. There’s thousands, millions of different ways that you can kill the person you love. The slowest way is not loving them enough, not giving them enough of your time – but not having the strength to let them go. She tried talking to me, telling me what she needed from me, begging me to spend time with her, and instead of being strong enough to let her go, I kept making promises I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep. It was fucked up, what I did. I just- I wasn’t ready to lose that fire,”

Taehyung didn’t trust his voice, so instead he nods, easily empathizing with the older man. He intimately knows that fire that Namjoon spoke of, understood its siren call, the unbelievable warmth it is to be loved by you. But at the same time, he realizes how much Namjoon’s admission gets under his skin – knowing that you were in that much pain, remembering seeing you suffer, watching you fall apart and try to hide it from everyone – it angers him, hearing Namjoon own to the fact that he knew he was hurting you, but didn’t walk away.

He must not be schooling  his face as well as he thinks,  because Namjoon sighs as he rubs his face with his hand. “I get it. Trust me, I know it wasn’t okay. But when you’ve been in the dark for so long, finding someone like Y/N – you want to be loved by her, want just a piece of that for yourself. I’m not justifying my actions, but hopefully explaining where my mind was at the time,” he continues, taking a sip of his drink. “I was already not being the man she needed, already not meeting her expectations. And when Mina started at the studio, and started helping me with some of the tracks… I hate to say it, but it was easy to let myself get distracted. I was so wrapped up in myself and what was going on with me, I didn’t see just how far away she had slipped - not only emotionally, but physically, intimately. It seemed like it went from incessant texts about when I was coming home, begging to spend time with me, to… nothing at all. She went radio silent, started going out of the house more, started hanging around you guys more.  I remember thinking to myself, ‘Well at least it seems like she’s found something to entertain herself, now she won’t always worry about me’. How clueless could I be? So fucking stupid, and selfish.” 

Namjoon gives the younger man a moment to process his words before he continues. “After everything went down, I… I’m not proud of this, but I got drunk one night, and I kinda begged some information off of Jimin,” Namjoon winces again, casting his eyes down. “It’s not Jimin’s fault, I think he honestly just felt bad for me, so please don’t be upset with him. He really didn’t tell me much, but he confirmed that… the two of you,” he gestures with his hands towards Taehyung, “ started… being together on her birthday.”

Taehyung feels his heart drop in his chest, his pulse racing at the admission, unsure of why the fact that Namjoon now knew this piece of information makes him feel a bit more ashamed. 

“Which means, it started way after she had ‘the talk’ with me,  way after she began to pull away and I just let her go – hell, encouraged it, even.  When she showed up at the apartment the day I found out, Y/N kept telling me it didn’t matter what happened, or who’s fault it was… that we had both done hurtful things and it was time to move on. And I think even with her saying that, even as she was breaking things off with me, she was still trying to protect me in a way. Still trying to shoulder all of the blame, especially because of the affair. But the truth is, I don’t blame her for any of it. I blame myself.”

He meets Taehyung’s gaze straight on. “I may not have physically cheated, and sure, she may have been the first to step out, but what choice did I leave her? I abandoned her long before she got together with you. I don’t know when or how it happened, but I woke up one day and I stopped choosing her, and started only choosing myself. And the worst part is, she fought to try and fix things between us, and it was like I had blinders on.  I still couldn’t stop choosing myself. I was so damn cocky, so sure of myself…” He swallows thickly. “She still fought, still chose me over and over, so it never crossed my mind that she would cheat. But honestly, I don’t blame her. She wasn’t being taken care of the way she should, the way she deserved.”

Taehyung is surprised to see tears welling in Namjoon’s eyes; the sheer amount of emotion he is willing to share in front of him shocking overall. Namjoon always keeps things so close to the chest.

“And then you swooped in and saved the day,” Namjoon continues, giving the younger man a wry grin. “Again, I get it. I can understand why you were drawn to her, why you were drawn to each other. I was mad, at first. Jealous mostly, if I was being honest with myself, but that’s because I’ve always been a bit possessive. But the more I sat with my thoughts, the more I realized that I was… relieved. Relieved to know that she had someone during that time, that she was being taken care of in all the ways that I failed to. Relieved to know that it was with someone that I know and trust to truly have her best interest at heart. That if it was anyone, it was you.”

Now it’s Taehyung’s turn to have his smile turn watery and soft. “Namjoon, I-”

“No, you promised to let me finish, remember?”

He doesn’t wait for confirmation before speaking again. “I know it sounds crazy, but that's why I asked you to come here. I wanted..” he trails away, hands fidgeting in his lap until his eyes snap to Taehyung. “I wanted to thank you, for taking care of her, for loving her. The way she should be… the way I couldn’t.” He doesn’t hide his tears this time, instead letting one trail down his cheek. “And if it’s alright with you, I have basically written down what we spoke about today, and I would like to give this letter to her - along with the offer of a meet up, if she’d like. Before the album comes out.” 

That gets Taehyung’s attention. “What do you mean? Is there something she should be worried about, or-?”

“N-No! No, not at all, nothing like that,” Namjoon waves off the concern with a hand. “But there are some emotional songs that I worked on after the break up, and it feels like the right thing to do would be to give her the chance to hear them first, before everyone else.”

There is nothing that comes  to Taehyung’s mind that would be a good argument against that - Namjoon is right, it is the courteous thing to do, to allow her the privacy of that moment before the rest of the world had a chance to dissect it into a million pieces. 

“And I didn’t want to reach out without talking to you first, out of respect for you both. It didn’t feel right approaching her directly… again, I want to give her time to process, you know?” 

Taehyung nods in agreement, appreciating the foresight. “Thank you for that, I think that will mean a lot to her.” 

“So you’ll give it to her? The letter?”

There is a part of Taehyung that didn’t want to, if he was being honest, didn’t know if it’s worth reopening the old wounds that you had worked so hard to close. That chapter of your life was something you worked hard to move past, and though you made it clear you wished Namjoon well, you hadn’t asked to meet up with him in the year since the split. There really hasn’t been a need to, once you got your things out of the apartment and moved into Taehyung’s place. 

But if he makes that choice for you, would it be any better than what Namjoon had done? Would he be any better? 

“Of course. I can’t promise she’ll want to meet, but – I’ll give it to her, I promise.” 

Relief sags Namjoon’s shoulders, and he lowers his head in gratitude. “Thank you, that’s all I ask. And thank you again, for meeting with me today. I promise my only intention here is closure, and respect.” 

“Does that mean I’m allowed to say something now?”

“Taehyung, you really don’t have to, there isn’t anything to say–”

“Just let me get this off my chest, please,” Taehyung begs, a hint of desperation in his gaze. “I know this probably doesn’t mean much, and I completely understand why… but for the record, I am so sorry that I hurt you. I wish it hadn’t come to that.” 

“Come on, Tae, like I said-”

“Let me finish.” Taehyung raises his voice slightly, just enough that Namjoon knows he’s serious. “I sincerely mean that. I don’t regret being with Y/N, and I won’t pretend to. I really do love her, and your words and… approval,” he chokes on the word, as if the marvel of it isn’t lost on him, “mean more to me than I think you can understand. But I really hate that you were hurt in the process, regardless of what was going on at the time.”

Namjoon waits, taking another sip of his drink to ensure Taehyung is finished before speaking again. 

“Apology accepted. I appreciate you saying that, really. But I mean… what would you have done differently? No matter what choices were made, the outcome was inevitable. She was never going to tolerate my shit forever, and it was the catalyst. Considering I wasn’t exactly innocent in my behaviors, either, I get it. It wasn’t okay, what any of us did, but I get it.” 

The world is never as black and white as we would like it to be, never as quickly and neatly explained as the human brain would prefer. There are many shades of the foggy grays and dark misty blacks and every level of fading ink in between, a messy cacophony of varying gradients. If anyone can understand that, it’s Taehyung. 

“That’s probably the best way to put it. It wasn’t okay, but I get it. What you did, what we all did. But I do think people are capable of change, if they truly want it. And it sounds like you’ve come a long way,” Taehyung gives a wide grin then, feeling the lightest he has in a long time. “ I wish you nothing but luck and success in your journey - both with your love life and with your music. I genuinely mean that, Joon. We’ll always be rooting for you.” 

Namjoon matches the younger man's carefree smile, any remaining tension easing away from his posture. “Thanks, bro. I’m always rooting for you guys, too. All of you - Yoongi included. If you ever need anything, even just some ears or a hype man, I’m here.”

More pleasantries and gratitudes are exchanged before Namjoon is standing, pulling Taehyung into a quick embrace before gearing up to  leave the coffee shop, holding up a buzzing phone in explanation. “Sorry, I gotta take this - thanks again!”

Everything changes, and everything stays the same.

You aren’t sure how long you stare at the letter before you decide to open it. It must be a few hours at least, because Taehyung had given it to you in the bright light of early afternoon, and now the sky was turning faded pinks and oranges, sun ready to rest for the day. 

He had offered to be there with you when you read it, which you had considered. He has always been supportive of you and your emotions, and you knew you could rely on him to be your rock through this, too, should you need it. 

But there was a little piece of you that felt it was important to be willing to face this alone; willing to face the consequences and fallout of your actions without the crutch of your current love. 

Your friends had rallied around you after the initial fallout, surprisingly, and though you weren’t sure you had deserved that, you certainly appreciated them for it. They gave you the confidence to keep moving forward, to battle with your demons, and you would always be grateful to them for showing up in your time of need. 

You are stronger now, more healed than you were when you had last seen Namjoon a year ago. Not fully healed, because healing isn’t linear, but you are working on it and yourself. An excellent therapist had been the start of the self love journey, and it was with her help that you were able to confront some difficult truths and soothe old wounds, feeling more secure in your skin than you had in years. 

You had even started working on your music again, though you could say that was Yoongi’s fault if anything, since he kept saying he was tired of you lounging around his studio for free. He had practically shoved you into the booth one day, asking for you to warm up and lay a raw track for some backing vocals to earn your keep, and you had complied easily. It wasn’t the worst thing he could have you doing there, and it soothed you to be able to work with music, even in a small capacity.

And Taehyung.

Taehyung had been amazing through it all;  your grounding peace during the storm, your home in the form of a person. His devotion and endless understanding and love was more than you could dream of, more than you ever thought you would know, and you can’t help but to feel like the luckiest person in the world to get to experience it.

Picking up the letter, you take a deep breath, centering yourself before folding it open, eyes quickly scanning the words awaiting you. 

He wasn’t mad, wasn’t angry. Instead, he was apologizing, giving explanations for his actions while telling you  not to blame yourself, offering to meet up to talk things out if you’d like. Or if you didn’t want to talk, to at least get a copy of his new album so that you could listen to it before it dropped, since there were some personal songs included that he thought you may want to hear in private.

Overall, it was a short note; but kind, considerate. A softer side of the Namjoon you used to remember, from the early days. 

You didn’t need to think about how you wanted to proceed, instead picking up your phone and sending a text to your ex-fiancé.

It had been you that insisted on meeting some place outside, wanting to keep the encounter quick and pleasant. You weren’t sure how he was going to reply to your text letting him know that you were willing to meet for the album, but not to talk, but in standard Namjoon style, he didn’t seem bothered. Taehyung told you he supported your decision no matter what, which you knew would be his response, but you truly didn’t feel the need to continue to hash this out. You had both apologized and moved on, and the past was in the past. 

You certainly appreciate his dedication to his own healing, and can empathize with the need of writing a letter for closure, but that was enough for you. You didn’t need anything else in order to forgive him. 

You had forgiven him long ago. 

You and Taehyung made plans to listen to the album together, knowing that you would want his warmth and comfort both physically and emotionally during, and you let that thought comfort you as you walk towards the meeting point, eyes scanning the park for the taller man. 

A tap on your shoulder has you turning, peering up at a dimpled grin. 

“Hey,”

You give him a shy smile. “Hi, Joon.”

He has a small manila envelope in his hands, your name scrolled in black sharpie on the front, and his fingers tap against the material a few times before he thrusts it towards you. 

“Well, here it is. It’s a USB, but it has all the songs plus the album concept art. I hope you like it, but uh, even if you don’t, I thought it was only right to let you hear it before everyone else does.”

His awkwardness makes you want to giggle, but you stifle the urge, not wanting to make him feel self conscious. Taking the parcel from his hands, you slide it in your bag before glancing back up at him. “Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’m sure I will like it. Your music has always been amazing.”

The tips of Namjoon’s ears start to redden, and he scoffs bashfully. “Ahh, you gotta warn me before you say nice things to me, I’m not prepared.”

You laugh then, his deeper chuckle joining in after a few moments, and it felt good to laugh so carefree with him again. Something you didn’t think you would ever have the chance to do. 

“Well, it was good to see you, Joon. Thanks for this,” you tap your bag twice, “I’m excited to listen.” 

“Thanks. It was good to see you as well, you look great. Really h-happy,” Namjoon stutters over his words, the sentiment rushing out, “It’s what you deserve - to be happy.”

Your heart squeezes in your chest, a piece of your soul healed by the words you didn’t know you needed to hear out loud. 

“I am really happy,” you confirm, unable to hide your smile. “Like, almost disgustingly happy, it’s pretty annoying.” 

You laugh, but this time he doesn’t join you.

“Good.”

And before you can think of how to reply, he’s gone, faded back into the bustle of the crowd like he was never there.

Taehyung already has your favorite wine opened by the time you arrive home, a glass placed in your hand once you walk through the door. He’s all easy smiles, nonchalant as he asks about the meeting, steadfast and attentive as he listens while putting the finishing touches on dinner. 

He’s made one of your comfort meals, and you spoon it into bowls before carrying them into his office-slash-studio, cozying up on his lounger before putting the thumb drive into the computer. He queues it up, sliding the mouse closer to his reach as he settles beside you, pulling a blanket to cover your laps. 

You hand him his bowl, and he pulls you in for a kiss. It’s quick, but there’s heat underneath the gentle pressure of his mouth. 

“Are you ready?”

You look into his warm gaze, the affection evident in the soft way he drinks you in. He has one hand cupped around his bowl, the other on your thigh under the blanket, giving reassuring squeezes as the silence ebbs on. 

It’s not that you were afraid of what you would hear, or that you thought Namjoon would do anything to hurt you. But you know hearing your previous relationship's downfall from his point of view could bring up some lingering pain, and you wanted to be able to process and work through it so you could continue to heal.

It’s what he deserved, what you all deserved.

The old version of you wouldn’t be able to handle this, certainly not next to someone like Taehyung. Wouldn’t be able to bear the vulnerability, or having a witness to the potential flood of emotions that could come at any moment. But over this past year, you’ve learned that you are worthy of a love that makes you feel safe enough to be your authentic self - and in turn to allow your true self to be loved. 

You knew that you were safe, here under the blanket on the loveseat in Taehyung’s cozy little studio, next to the man you love. 

“I’m ready.” 

Just like the night leaves and the morning comes The spring leaves and summer comes, but Just like the flowers and summer sunshine Everything must be hurt Breathe the world The air in my lungs is full of cold air I want to run away From long hours of pain and dullness

 Everyday I pray (everyday I pray) That I may become a slightly better adult And everyday I stay (everyday I stay) People die with their pain one day We can not be eternity in dream Words like "Cheer up" can not be real Instead of plausible words It hope it goes like a wind (Everything, everything, everything goes Everything everything else goes)

[enigma-absolute]

Can I hear more about Maddox? What's his backstory like? Where does he fall on the timeline?

(if I'm sending too many asks, do forgive me!)

You’ve unleashed something in me and now I can’t shut up

To start us off, here’s my boy! This is his original character-defining spread in my sketchbook from early last year:

Here’s some more art of him, as a colour reference! And what’s this? MORE banger art of my boy????

And here’s a meme too!

Aside from this older character development challenge google doc providing a lot of his original foundations (including his original character submission sheet!), allow me. To expand on. The Lore.

I don’t think I can shut up greatly so I hope you’re ready for a big ol read under the cut!

So. Maddox is a rebel spy before and during the Rebel alliance in the Galaxy Far Far Away. Standard stuff for a 24-year-old right? WRONG

He’s actually an Australian, a Sunshine Coast local, from OUR earth in early 2023, swept up into something that took him back in time and far off into space (of course, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away) to have adventures and stuff like that. Adventures and all are just it, right?

WRONG.

AMNESIA BLAST UPON THIS BOY. GET DUNKED ON.

Joking aside, to quote the backstory portion in his original RP submission form, and even the addition directly from the document:

Maddox genuinely has no clue how he got here.

As in, how in sweet Force he ended up a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far far away from his own. His retrograde amnesia from a recent-ish rebel spy mission (involving hijacking and detonating an Imperial ship before escaping) has receded away enough for him to remember his life on his home country of Australia on Earth (and a rough knowledge of OT canon and even rougher knowledge of PT canon from that time), but a lot of things are still fuzzy.

He’s grateful he can remember quite a lot, including: his name and age, his past life and home, muscle-memory for espionage, how to catch on to flying several starships if given enough time, and even some previous missions. But whatever his amnesia is hiding from him, he hopes that the Force can help reveal it again… and maybe help him find a way back home. In the meantime, his goals for this galaxy are to continue his sick espionage job, find a way home, make some close friends and maybe, hopefully, call the Emperor a bitch to his face before he carks it during the events of ROTJ. Not all in that order specifically, but he’ll work on that.

Maddox specifically landed in the year 9BBY, roughly before the events of Kenobi were about to happen. He was picked up by and later joined Bail Organa’s Rebel Cell, as the Alliance wouldn’t have existed yet.

His fateful mission, subsequent amnesia and initial recovery occur at the tailend of Kenobi, leading him to re-meet a young Leia Organa when recovered by Bail’s rebels. Leia sneaks in a word to her dad, and Maddox is sent away for a week or two for some ‘minding’ with help of the Force. He later recalls the word ‘therapy’ to better describe his situation and tells the therapist there (who is also initially annoyed about this whole situation happening) that ‘minding’ is a stupid term and the galaxy should really get behind ‘therapy.’

(He won’t know this till later, but his therapist Ben also gained hope and healing through it too.)

Due to Force *~shenanigans~* and the still unremembered way as to how he came to the GFFA time from 2023 on earth, Maddox doesn’t really have a way back home and is physically stuck aging at 24 years old. And despite obviously being from Earth and thus having no midichlorians of his own, he is Force-sensitive after having an encounter with it while in spy training. That being said, he has a unique relationship with it where he can feel it more ‘talking’ to him than not, and is able to use it with study, self-teaching and meditation. However, he will NOT take a kyber crystal of his own. He may be a light-sider, but he doesn’t feel he deserves the title of Jedi.

We’ll get back to that in a bit.

His amnesia is (of kriffing course) courtesy of the Empire, under a top-secret, but now defunct and destroyed experiment called Project Lethe. This experiment had been self-contained in the star destroyer Calledania, but when a Rebel spy mission to break its secrecy had gone awry, Maddox had enough time to help set charges to blow it up before his capture and subsequent retrograde memory wipe.

You can imagine the horror he’d be going through, waking up after falling out of a bacta tank and coughing it out of his lungs, knowing NOTHING about himself or what’s going on. Then only arming himself with a scalpel and maybe a doctor’s medical ID before running out onto the main bridge to see that he’s in space (he really shouldn’t be), everything is chaos and falling apart (is he in a spaceship?) and he’s certainly feeling everything falling into a nearby planet’s orbit (these stars are NOT his own).

Of course, he managed to escape and started to recover his memory with the Force, but you’d have to ask him for the fuller story. And that’s if you can convince him to tell you all the details.

In terms of timeline and character relations, aside from entering and joining the early stages of rebellion prior to Kenobi’s events in 9BBY, he’s become a cool older ‘cousin’ friend of a sort with Princess Leia, especially since she was the one who knew his later-therapist Ben (Maddox nicholasnames him ‘Benny’) first. Bail has also been a mentor figure for Maddox before and after his amnesia - in terms of the growing rebellion, high-class etiquette and manners (which mostly consist of keeping an eye on Leia at fancy guest parties and learning from her). Not to say there’s no personal platonic fondness between them, it’s just that the professionalism has been more important for Maddox to get a grasp on his new life.

He’s also grateful for meeting and befriending friendlier folks in the GFFA, such as freeman Clone Troopers Juggernaut and Jorts (OCs in the first RP server I ever entered him into), and in 7BBY, @moobrvoobl-moobmoob-oobmpoobroom’s Clone OC Strike and co-created OC Pins, a stormtrooper who ditched the Empire when the two rebels had their cell missions cross paths and escaped together after going after an asset. Maddox has quickly grown to befriend and fall in platonic love with Strike and Pins, the former particularly since she causes/caused flares in his memory of his mum.

Especially since, in his old earthen life, he was an Eshay, and a horrible person to his mother and sister.

Did I mention he’s a regretful older brother? And a regretful son?

For leaving his family behind? For not being the person he should’ve been? For being selfish and into stupid stuff when there are things in life worth more than stupid ‘friends’ and stupidity?

Good god he’s ashamed to admit it. But he has to admit it somehow.

It was the second memory recovery in the Force that he recalled how he used to be, getting so depressed he needed that therapy from Benny.

Okay here's a couple rapid-fire points about Maddox bc I don't have all the brainspace for backstories:

In the flight back to the base after his couple-weeks therapy from Benny, Maddox had a dream about talking to some fella named Anakin, infodumping to him about the fauna and flora of Australia the entire time. Anakin was in awe of earth's natural flora and flora.

Maddox didn't put two and two together on that 'Anakin' guy until after waking up. His memory got intact enough to connect those dots.

(He won't do the same for Benny for a long, long time).

His enamel pin is actually his sister's, and it's another Peter Pan reference with the star and text saying 'straight on till morning'. (I really hope I can defictionalise it into a real pin one day!)

The leather bag he carries was borrowed by his sister for some time before he took it with him to the GFFA, so he's got more of her belongings with him rather than his own.

He modded an iPod over quarantine days into having a new battery and 256GB SSD drive to fill with his own music, but of course - his sister got to it when he wasn't looking and filled it up with her own tastes before he could wipe it clear.

So now he has his sister's tastes in music, for the most part. Which is a good thing.

So as for Maddox right now in my personal timeline? Well, I just have fun tossing him in the years between 9BBY-4ABY, putting him in Situations and Events (mainly RPs) to see how he develops and how far his character goes. There's a couple alternate timelines and AUs he's in, including the Chrumblr RP in the big discord.

And that's not even getting into the stuff his sister gets into in AUs and timelines.

[yourfavoriteweirdo19]

Well here is chapter one

Y/n POV)

It was soon starting to rain "At least it turning into a beautiful day" My mother said I kept on giving my parents the cold shoulder while I had my headphone in playing "Girls" From "girl in red" My parent haven't really figure out that I was lesbian even tho I give out really big hints "Oh Darling I'm sure you will love it here just like how me and your father liked it here and I'm also sure you will find a perfect boy to fall in love with" My mother said I rolled my eyes

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A hour later)

We've finally arrived at the gates I looked outside again and on top of the gates said "NEVERMORE ACADEMY" it looked almost like a haunted house but I think it looks cool my vibe tbh we got into what looks like the lobby we got out and took out my bags out of the car after we took them out we started to walk up to the door where I saw a beautiful tall lady she walked up to us and I could already feel my cheeks heating up as she stood infront of us I could see how much taller she is than me "Hello I assume you are Y/N Y/L/N right?" The lady asked "I- Yes yes I'm Y/N" I said "I'm Larissa Weems you may call me Principle Weems It's nice to meet you" She said with a smile god this woman would be the death of me in pretty sure she can see how red I'm, "N-Nice t-to meet you too Principle Weems" I finally said out loud "Let's go up to my office and than after that we will show you your dorm" Weems said "Alright" both of my parents said at the same time

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(10 minutes later)

"Alright take a set" Weems said as my parents walked over to the two leather chair I just stood in the between the chairs "Y/N is certainly a unique name" Weems said "Her name comes from a line from my favorite nursery rhyme Y/N's child is full of woe" My mother said "You always had a unique perspective on the world, Y/M/N" Weems said with a smile my mother hummed "Did your mother tell you we were roommates back in the day?" Weems said while making eye contact with me I turned very red while looking into her ocean blue eyes "you've certainly had a very interesting educational journey 14 schools under 9 years" Weems said "They haven't built one strong enough to hold me, I bet this place won't be any different" I said Weems just looked at me blankly while my father just nodded "What our daughter is trying to say is thag she will greatly appreciates the opportunity" My father said "Oh yeah on here on your file it says you're 23 years old is that true?" Weems asked "Yes I'm 23 years old I started school late" I said trying not to be rude "Well Nevermore doesn't usually accept students mid-term, But given Y/N's perfect grades, And your family's long history with the school I've spoken with the board. And we've made an exception" Weems said with a smile "Larissa, What about Y/N's umm... Therapy session? The court ordered them" My mother said I really wished she had forgotten about that but I guess not "Hmm, The school has a relationship with a therapist in Jericho, She can meet twice a week" Weems said with a soft smile "Did you hear that, My little storm cloud? You're in excellent hands" My father said with a huge smile "Let's see if she survives the first session" I mumbled everyone in the room couldn't hear what I said "you won't be having a roommate sadly but I think you'll like the idea of not having a roommate actually" Weems said with a huge smile that made her look 10x cuter "Shall we go to your dorm?" She said I just nodded at the beautiful lady because if I said anything else I would ended up being redder than I already was

(A few minutes later)

"Here we are" Weems said with a another smile creeping on her face I looked around "I think I might actually like it here" I said as Weems smile grew wider and a light shade of red came on her face

(At the lobby now)

"Look at you, my little deathtrap seeing you in this uniform brings back so many terrible memories, doesn't it Y/M/N" my father said while walking over to hug me goodbye "Yes it does" my mother said "why don't you wait in the car Darling" My mother said to my father "Y/N, And I need a moment" my mother said as my father walked over to the car and hoped inside "Any plans you have of running away ends right now, I've alerted all family members to contact me the minute you darken their doorstep you have nowhere to go" my mother said "As usual, you underestimate me, mother I will escape this educational penitentiary, And you'll never hear from me again" I said as my mother sighs "You're a brilliant girl, Y/N, But sometimes you get in you get in your own way, I'm sure you'll grow to love Nevermore, and find it as life- changing as I did" My mother said "Oh, I got you a little something" My mother said as she pulled out a necklace with our initials on it "It's made of obesidian, Which Aztec priests used to conjure visions, It's a symbol of our connection "which one of your spirit suggested this toe-curling tchotchke"  I said a little annoyed "I'm not you, mother" I said very annoyed as I rolled my eyes "Lurch, the crystal ball, please" my mother said to Lurch as he grabbed a black bag and handed it to my mother "We can't talk to you for the first week while you're settling in, So we'll call you next Sunday" She said with a smile as she walked over to the car and hopped inside the smile on her face faded away "Don't worry, my love, Our little scorpion won't be alone" my father said as he flicked a small lever and a hand popped out of the bottom of the car out of my sight as I walked back to the doors of the place and Weems just standing there looking gorgeous as always and my face redder than ever as she walked over to me "Shall I give you a tour of this place?" Weems asked me with a smile on her face as always am I falling for my principal!? I just give her a simple nod.

(A/N idk how this went but okay)

[eiuuei]

I kinda have no other place to share this, so allow me to rant, and feel free to respond; either to this or w stories of your own maybe.

I just started going to therapy again after years of taking a break. I used to struggle with many things in the past, which I learned a great deal on how to cope with.

Now I am doing way better in life, I am responsible when it comes to my happiness and health. Which I think is a grand accomplishment.

But there are parts of me that no matter how much I apply these coping mechanisms to, they don’t get better. I lost my ability to trust people, I cannot form relationships like I used to be able to; romantic or platonic. I always feel like I am decieving people when they like me, and that once they discover who I truly am that I will lose it all.

So I started theraphy again, for those reasons, and I felt as though my therapist tried to instigate and reopen the old wounds again in order to be convinced that I had them. The ones I already put a lot of effort in learning how to mend.

It is so frustrating for your effort and pain to be questioned because you are in a better place now.

She didn’t even try to understand that I was struggling with relationships because I have been very risk avoidant: didnt go on dates, didn’t develop expectations of people so that I would never took it personally when they forgot about me.

When she said: “what are the examples of why you feel that way?” I didn’t have a lot of recent examples, because I removed myself from those kind of close relationships. And when she asked “why is it important for you?” I could calmly respond because I have been meditating on it for a long time, and had convinced myself to be momentarily careless about them so I could enjoy my life more.

She was skeptical of my long term circumstances and uninterested in helping me unpack them. I think because I was doing well. And without any of the evidence I could provide that could convince her, she told me to seek other avenues to solve this.

I also, couldn’t convince her that I already did, and that they told me to seek psychological help.

I wish I could believe that something wasn’t intrinsically wrong with me, but putting in so much effort in to find help, and being turned away from every door I knock on is really making it hard to hold onto my hard earned optimism.

We haven’t been seeing each other for that long with my therapist. But every time we meet again, for a week I struggle to find my footing again. I have been spiraling pretty bad. And none of this has been helpful for any breakthrough or anything.

I think I am going to stop seeing her.

I don’t know what to next. I think I will try to pick the pieces of my previous better-mood and coping mechanisms. But first, I need to figure out, or give myself time to get out of spiraling.

I felt like there’s no other place I can share this on, since a lot of real life friends follow me on everywhere else. I apologize for writing so much. I wanted to talk about it.