#but my knees.... and the tired.... and things i actually have to do.....
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revenge | s.j
in which you get your revenge on jake after the time he overstimulated you with a vibrator.
pairing: jake x fem!reader
includes: sub jake, use of sex toys (vibrator), overstimulation, drooling and crying kinda, cumming multiple times, kinda bondage (lmk if i missed anything).
jake was so pretty. absolutely exhausted jake who just wanted to cuddle with you and go to sleep was too, too pretty.
you just had to have your fun with him.
besides, he should’ve seen it coming. he’d done the same thing to you last week.
you were tired from a long day of work and classes and jake thought it was the perfect time to absolutely torture you with a vibrator. he made you cum so many times, you’d lost count, but you were so oversensitive that it hurt.
that night, you couldn’t wait to get your revenge.
and then it was time: when jake was so sleepy and dazed, bound to go along with what you say until he would realize what was happening.
“baby,” he said softly as you started nipping his jawline, clearly trying to get his attention. “i’m too sleepy.”
“i know,” you mumbled, your lips pressed against his neck, “but i wanna have some fun.”
jake looked down at you, his sweet, sweet girl. he never wanted to deny you of the things you wanted, even when he was as tired as he was.
“i just don’t know if i can do anything, sweetheart,” he said. “you can hump me or ride my thigh if you want. just don’t be mad if i fall asleep.”
“no, jake,” you whined, trailing your hand down his bare torso. “you need to have some fun with me too.”
you grabbed his cheek and attached your lips to his before he could even realize you were doing it. he instantly melted into the kiss, sighing against your lips and bringing his hands up to your hair.
“so needy,” he mumbled against your mouth.
he couldn’t see it since his eyes were closed, but you rolled your eyes. you were needy, sure. needy to see him get what was coming for him.
testing, you dragged your hand down to cup his bulge, feeling if he was hard yet. you weren’t surprised to find that he was. it never took him very long, even when he insisted he was too tired.
you stroked your hand up and down his clothed erection for a minute, getting him worked up enough that he would actually want to cum and take back what he said about being too tired.
you knew he was at that point when you pulled away from him entirely and he pouted at you, his facial expression asking why you stopped.
saying nothing, you reached into the bedside table drawer and pulled out the fully charged bullet vibrator he’d used on you last week. jake’s face remained expressionless, not catching on to what was going on. he really was tired.
you set it on the bed and went back over to jake, pulling his pants down to his knees. he’d forgone underwear since he was just going to sleep, his cock springing out and slapping against his stomach. he was fully hard, his tip a light pink color and drooling a bit of pre cum.
for a moment there, distracted by the sight of his dick, you forgot all about your plan for the vibrator. you wrapped your hand around his shaft and started slowly jerking him off, watching his face contort with pleasure.
it was only when you felt him twitch in your grip that you remembered your mission.
you let go of him, much to his displeasure, picking the vibrator back up. he watched you turn it on, the humming sound of it suddenly filling your shared bedroom.
“what are you doing?” he whined, lolling his head to the side. “just make me cum and let me go to sleep.”
you scoffed. he was such a brat, it only made you want to use it on him even more.
“i will make you cum,” you assured. “just close your eyes.”
“i’ll fall asleep if i close ‘em,” he said.
“you won’t,” you assured him.
he sighed and closed his eyes, immediately becoming more relaxed. his shoulders slumped and his facial features softened.
you didn’t waste any time and brought the little pink vibrator right to the tip of his leaking cock.
jake jolted in shock, his eyes flying open.
“what the hell?” he almost yelled. “what are you doing?”
“having fun,” you answered.
he reached out to grab your wrist but you stopped him with a menacing glare.
“try to stop me and i’ll tie your hands up,” you warned.
“y/n, please,” jake huffed, staring down at you running the vibrator around his tip. “you’re not using your vibrator on me.”
“you did it to me first,” you reminded him. “you used it on me until i was shaking and begging you to stop. and i’ve been thinking about getting back at you everyday since.”
“i’m sorry!” jake cried out, tossing his head back in either frustration or pleasure, or both.
he couldn’t deny that it felt good. for such a small vibrator, the pressure was there. he could feel it intensely pulsating against his tip, pushing out more and more beads of clear precum. you’d only just begun and he was already so messy.
“i’m sure,” you mumbled, gathering some of the precum with your other hand.
jake bit his lip, feeling a warmth spread in his stomach and he knew he was already close. it hadn’t been very long but his sensations were heightened from his exhaustion.
“i’m close,” he told you.
you didn’t stop or slow down. in fact, you ran the vibrator down from his tip to his shaft and back up, his balls tightening from the unfamiliar sensation. his back arched in a way that was so pretty, your eyes widening from how affected he was by the vibrator.
“go ahead,” you said. “go ahead and cum for me.”
with that, his jaw fell slack and he groaned loudly as ropes of cum spurted out from his tip, which was a slightly darker pink than it’d been when you started.
“mmm, fuck,” he moaned, head tossed back and hips thrusting up slightly to ride out his high. “oh, yeah.”
a sheen of sweat covered his chest and his rosy cheeks. his chest rose and fell rapidly with little gasps of air. he came for longer than you imagined he would considering you’d only just started, but you assumed it was because he’d never had a vibrator used on him before.
you turned the vibrator off for a moment, taking in the state of jake before you. a puddle of his cloudy cum coated his stomach and his eyes were shut. his chest rose and fell less rapidly, telling you that he was finally calming down.
“jake?” you said after a minute.
he hummed, his eyes still closed. it was clear he was right on the brink of falling asleep.
to keep him from doing so, you turned the vibrator back on and held it against the underside of his cock below his tip, his most sensitive spot.
he jolted, eyes flying open like they had before.
“oh, fuck,” he moaned, grabbing your wrist to try and stop you again. “please. i can’t.”
“you can,” you assured him, holding the vibrator and his cock all in your one hand.
“please,” he cried. “it’s too much. i’m too sensitive, y/n.”
“you’re okay,” you responded, thinking about how sensitive you were when he did the same thing to you.
“oh my god,” he nearly sobbed. “‘m cumming.”
it was so, so quick. only a minute in and he was already shooting out more ropes of cum, landing on top of the puddle that was already there, creating an even bigger mess of himself.
he whimpered, entirely shoving your hand off of him to give himself a break.
“what’d i say?” you asked, demeanor darkening.
“you’re not tying me up,” he declared, like he was in charge.
“wanna bet?”
jake’s big brown eyes widened, watching as you reached into the drawer again to pull out the silk rope. you certainly weren’t afraid to use it on him, especially if he was going to be pushing your hands off.
“don’t,” he begged. “please.”
“then stop trying to push me off,” you said sternly.
“but it’s too much,” he whined.
he was already keeping a close eye on your hand gripping the vibrator, weary for when were going to bring it back to his cock again. it almost made you want to laugh.
“you can do it,” you said. “you can be good for me, yeah?”
he bit his lower lip, hanging his head.
you brought the vibrator back to his cock, turning it onto the next highest setting from before. his poor cock jake gasped, instinctively grabbing onto your wrist again despite what you’d just told him.
“jake,” you sighed, growing frustrated.
“i’m sorry!” he said, immediately retreating his hand.
you set the vibrator aside and grabbed the silk rope. you grabbed his hands and pushed them together, tying the rope around them tight enough that he wouldn’t be able to touch you again.
jake had a little pout on his face like a child who’d just gotten scolded after getting in trouble. it filled your body with warmth, how cute he was.
“i just wanna make you feel good,” you reasoned, pressing the vibrator onto his slit.
he hissed, pushing his hips up. his abs clenched, a bead of sweat dripping down the side of his face from the intensity of the vibrator and from already cumming twice.
“i know, baby,” he said while exhaling shakily. “it’s just…a lot.”
“but i know you can do it,” you cooed, dragging the vibrator down a vein on his dick.
he clenched his jaw, the mixture of pain and pleasure so overwhelming that it was clouding his mind, slowly turning him dumb.
“i can’t,” he mumbled pathetically. “it feels so fucking good though.”
“i know, honey,” you cooed softly.
you weren’t sure if you’d ever seen him prettier. his eyes were glazed over, his cheeks and ears a bright pink, and completely covered in his own cum. you wanted to ruin him, make a mess out of your tired boyfriend.
he tried to squeeze the bedsheets, but he was so weak. he couldn’t express his pleasure other than desperate moans.
he didn’t even warn you the next time he came. it just started coming out out his red, used tip, drooling out slowly in comparison to the sharp ropes that were spurting out before.
you were were pretty sure you saw a tear a slip down his face and were certain that he was drooling. he moaned shamelessly, so out of it that he felt like he was dreaming. he’d never felt so fucked out in his life.
you kept the vibrator pressed against him while he came and didn’t remove it this time to let him calm down.
“oh my god,” he slurred. “baby, pl—oh fuck. i’m cumming again.”
less than 30 seconds than cumming before and he was already cumming again, which you didn’t even know was possible.
his load was smaller, but his reaction was bigger. he threw his head back, exposing his pretty neck. his entire body tensed and the prettiest, most desperate moans and whimpers came tumbling out past his lips, swollen from biting and drooling.
“fuck, i can’t stop,” he moaned.
you watched him, feeling the wetness pool in your panties from how beautiful of a sight it was.
the veins in his body throbbed, his muscles clenched, and he just a beautiful mess. his cock was drenched in his own cum, the vibrator slipping against him.
you caressed his leg, removing the vibrator from his spent cock. he let out a groan of relief from you finally pulling it away, of giving him a moment to breathe.
his eyes were closed, his entire body limp. you lifted his hands in order to untie the silk rope, setting his hands free.
you sat up on your knees, caressing his face until he opened his eyes again, looking up at you.
“you okay?” you asked, your thumb brushing his cheek.
“mhm,” he mumbled, even more tired than he was before. “that was fucking…insane.”
“was it too much?” you wondered, grabbing some tissues from the box on the nightstand to start cleaning him up.
“yeah,” he said, “in the best way possible.”
you chuckled, running your fingers through his sweaty hair, pushing it out of his face.
“go to sleep, okay?” you said.
“but can we cuddle?” he asked sweetly.
“yes, we can cuddle,” you responded.
“and can i be little spoon?” he asked.
“yes, jake.”
-
screaming. shoutout to the anon who requested this, i loved the idea so much! sub jake just….don’t get me started actually!
#enhypen#enhypen smut#enha smut#enha x reader#enhypen x reader#kpop smut#enha jake#jake enhypen smut#sim jake x reader#enhypen jake smut#jake enhypen#jake sim smut#jake x reader#jake smut#enhypen jake#jake sim#sim jake smut#sim jake
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xiao : [crapbag.]
☆ — fluff; he takes care of you while you're sick. gn! reader (no pronouns.)
"achoo!"
you sniffle, nose red as you stare up at your ceiling in annoyance. ugh. you've been bedridden all morning, sneezing and coughing up a fit. you can't even remember how you got sick in the first place... it's all a blur. your head feels light and your thoughts have started to grow delirious.
"this sucks," you groan, reaching over for a tissue on the nightstand and nearly falling off your bed in the process. why'd you have to get sick today, of all days? you'd been planning to visit xiao this afternoon, but...that's obviously out of the question now, given the circumstances. you barely even had enough energy to walk to the bathroom this morning.
you sigh, leaning back onto your pillow after loudly blowing your nose. after trying your best to make yourself a little more comfortable, you gently hover your hands over your eyelids, keeping them shut. mmn...cold hands. that feels nice. a yawn escapes your mouth, satisfied tears brimming at the corners of your eyes. "i wonder what xiao's up to right now," you whisper.
well, it’s not like the two of you are particularly close or anything—you hardly even qualify as friends, and knowing him, no progress was going to be made there any time soon. ‘human interaction is quite troublesome,’ so he says. but something about him feels…lonely, in your eyes. or maybe it’s sad? you can’t tell. it’s hard to get a good read on that guy, mister ‘i don’t feel emotion like you mortals do.’
“it’s you.”
you jolt at the sudden voice, sitting upright and frantically scanning the room for its source. and low and behold, there he is, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. uh oh. he looks irritated.
”xiao…?” you blink a few times, rubbing your eyes to try and convince yourself he’s actually real, standing here before you. up until he spoke, you hadn’t even heard or noticed him. “wh—where the hell did you come from?”
he lets out a tired sigh, gold eyes narrowing. “you called out my name, did you not?” he says it like it should be obvious. “but you don’t seem to be in any danger…why have you summoned me?”
”what are you—“ oh. that’s right, you remember him saying something about that…whoopsie! you give him a sheepish smile. “s-sorry,” you mutter, voice raspy and laced in sick. “it was an accident. nothing's wrong, j-just feeling a little under the weather is all. you should leave before i get you sick too…”
he looks like he wants to roll his eyes. “you shouldn't worry over something so foolish. we adepti do not get sick," he scoffs.
you nearly facepalm. ah, right. he said pretty much the same thing about sleeping a little while ago. regardless, you stumble out of bed, struggling to steady yourself as you plant your feet and lean onto the nightstand. "i still don't want to give you any of my icky germs. you should...you should go."
you're tempted to start pushing him toward the door, but that would defeat the purpose of trying to keep your germs away. he notices this and stares at you for a moment before letting out another sigh, speaking in a low voice. "you're in no condition to be left here alone."
"w-what are you talking about? i'm completely fine," you lie, holding back a wicked cough and chuckling awkwardly. "really, you don't to stay here. its...not even that bad! see?"
his gaze on you is intense and his eyebrows furrow. "your complexion is scaring me. please sit down."
"i'm telling you, i'm fine—" you try to take another step toward him, as if to prove that you're capable of doing so, but the archons don't seem to be on your side today because your knee gives out and you fall over again.
oh shit.
xiao's at your side in an instant, catching you and wrapping an arm around your waist, holding your own over his neck as he keeps you steady. "i told you," he scowls, eyes narrowed. "you need to be more careful."
you start hastily start sputtering out apologies, but he pays you no mind as he effortlessly lifts you back onto your bed, pulling his touch away quickly as if he might hurt you somehow. "just—stay here. don't move," he mutters. "i'll...look after you."
your heart nearly stops and you start to feel your face getting warm, though this time it isn't from your sickness. did you hear him correctly? "y-you don't have to do that! i'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself...really, i'm sure you have other things to do."
he doesn't say anything. instead, he takes note of your red face and leans a little closer, very carefully brushing his fingers against your forehead. this, of course, only makes your cheeks heat up even more. he frowns, oblivious to your embarrassment as he pulls away. "you seem to have a fever...have you taken any medication?"
you nod, face flushed. "um...yeah, i took some a little while ago. i really am fine, you don't need to—"
but he's already dashed off to who knows where, the sound of rummaging through cabinets and water running easily heard from down the hall. he returns a moment later with a cold wet rag, wrung out for your use. he stares at you awkwardly for a moment before handing it to you. "...here."
you give him a soft smile and take it from him, gratefully draping the rag over your forehead with a content sigh. "whew. that feels...a lot better, actually...thank you. the cold feels nice."
he nods, leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed. "do you...need anything else? can i perhaps make you something?"
you bite back the urge to snort. "what, like cook? you know how to cook?"
his expression changes, and if you didn't know any better, you'd say he was nearly pouting. "i'm not incompetent. of course i can cook. though i'll admit, it isn't particularly my favorite thing in the world. its not like i have any need for food in the first place."
you let out a soft chuckle. that's right...he doesn't need to eat. strange. he seemed awfully happy back when you made him that almond tofu...well, as happy as he can get, at least. he's so pissy all the time.
you nod at his question. "i was gonna make myself some soup earlier, but..." you shrug. "i've been stuck in bed all day and never actually got around to it."
"soup..." he gives you a single nod as he walks away back into your kitchen. oh, jeez. here we go...you call out a thank you as he leaves, really hoping he wasn't lying when he said he could cook. you can hear the opening of cabinets as he rummages through your stuff, looking for everything he needs.
a moment later, you call out to him again. "hey, xiao?"
he stops what he's doing and the noises pause, perking up at the sound of his name. "yes?"
you smile softly. "please don't burn my house down."
#xiao#xiao x reader#genshin#genshin oneshots#gender neutral#gn reader#fluff#comfort#genshin x reader#genshin x male reader#genshin x female reader#liyue#fanfiction
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guy is noticing his depression coming back, but will not do anything about it.
#idk ive been diagnosed with dysthymia which was sold to me as mild but longlasting depression etc.#as i was in the process of leaving my psychiatrist she told me it was at that moment in recession =w=b#but one main thing im seeing now is that im skipping school again. (+ the horrors but we dont talk about those)#skipping school isnt BAD and all. and i do genuinely think its for the better but. that might just be the depression voice talking =3=#anyway i know itll get better again. hopefully soon.#augh also one thing i noticed is. the sleepy. getting back.#its been a while since ive had afternoon naps but now..... they sure are happening.#and these suck a bit more bc often i get home at 4pm which is in my mind too late to have a comfy nap.#yesterday and also a couple days ago i napped from like 8pm-9pm. which isnt really helping my sleep :)#but its not like i could STAY AWAKE or something. i HAD to sleep.#:/#anyway its not like i can actually do something big about it...#maybe i should take a walk more. hm.#but my knees.... and the tired.... and things i actually have to do.....#sillyposting#yaknow.#=w=b
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my attempt at lily versions
#wolfgang amadeus mozart#antonio salieri#fate grand order#fgo#my art#ok listen i know literally no one besides me cares about how these are two different centuries#but you see salieri's thing with this to last ish century suits makes putting him in a 18th century clothes looking weird#i figure that 19th is a good middle ground and plus he like. died in that century anyway so close enough#well actually im not sure when that style of coat became a thing. the outer one i mean but whatever#also they still had knee ish length in 19th century but the visual connection with modernish suits also makes it looking weird on him but#but! the longer boots make a similar shape to it and#um anyway#amade is eepy cuz um idk he writes about being tired lmao#<-- the most normal fan of these guys#did a very normal amount of reading on them. also this might be bringing out my mild interest in historical clothes just a little bit#well its not like i *have to* put them in historical clothes its not like this gacha game is very historical...#bwa wrong i do have to and the reason is brainrot
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more and more it's feeling like we just...don't have room for people trying anymore. it's all or nothing; get it right the first time, or be crucified by a jury you can never fully see or convince. and this isn't new, isn't born of current events. it's become more and more prevalent over the last ten years thanks to social media putting every little thought on blast, but i'd put money on the idea that it's actually been brewing much longer than that. and, for me, it goes beyond being tiring or upsetting. it feels bleak. it feels downright fucking broken that we're all so busy trying not to condone anything remotely problematic that we don't leave room for good faith learning. watching people trying to suss out their own identity--something literally ONLY they can fully understand or explain--be vilified for trying to fit words around their own experience sucks. watching people misunderstand something and try to apologize for it later, only to be told they should have known all along, sucks. seeing people who once held truly toxic beliefs actually grow and learn and apologize and still be told to fuck themselves as if they're a lost cause--it sucks. just. does that not fill you with despair for the state of things? does that not break something in you, to think that if you one day don't understand something, or misuse a word, or grapple with complicated feelings, it will forever stain you in the eyes of perfect strangers?
dude the world is fucked, and we all see it, but like. it doesn't feel like it helps to be so goddamn reactive. it doesn't feel like it helps anyone to demand perfection out the gate. it's exhausting. there are enough people out there who don't want to learn, who aren't trying, who actively revel in cruelty. looking for malice in every little fuck-up from people who seem to be genuinely striving to live their lives with kindness strikes me as lending strength to an army that already glories in suffering. and makes the world look more fucked than ever. and i really don't know that that energy is what we need when there's already so much to set right.
maybe it's just me. maybe this last decade just shattered something in me. but i really, really hate the idea--reject the idea, frankly--that people can't learn and change and grow. that people can't be better than a bad day or a failure of understanding. i reject the idea that people are something to be thrown out because they fucked up. it just seems...yeah. bleak. really fuckin' bleak.
#personal#i dunno dude#this is that fighting energy from earlier. found some actual words for it i guess#but i'm just so tired#shit's fucked. some shit's complicated. and some isn't--some feels incredibly straightforward to me.#and to the next person maybe there's more nuance. it's all so fucking...there's so much to process all the time#and i catch myself in knee-jerk mode#i catch myself writing people off. making lists in my head. sometimes it's just purely a matter of safety#but god the things i'd give for some of those people to come back into my world#to learn. to grow. to apologize. to decide they value kindness and life over brainwashed beliefs#i would give so much for those friends back. those family members. those people i knee-jerk wrote off back in 2015#i shrunk my world down when i cut them out. i shrunk it down when i told them to fuck off instead of having a conversation#i actively made my safety net smaller in the effort to keep myself protected#and i just keep watching other people do similar things#and thinking like. if i could go back. if i wasn't so hot-headed and Certain that evil thoughts make a person evil#or that miseducation or ignorance or straight-up brainwashing broke a person for good#maybe it would all be different now than it was for my 25-year-old self#i just. i don't fucking know.#people are trying. people need to KEEP trying.#and telling them they're shit for NEEDING to try is only ever going to carve out the part of them that wants to be better#the world is fucked. why help fuck it even more. what is the point of that.#and i'm not saying don't call people on their shit. but maybe calling them shouldn't look like telling them to kill themselves#maybe it should involve a little grace#slamming doors just feels like it makes the house smaller. and shuts off exit routes you might need later#and i kinda wish i'd known that in my 20s
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snow white looks bad this, moana 2 that. the real question is who in the world wanted a live action mufasa or lilo and stitch movie
#i’m going to bed but i’m going to complain on the internet first and immediately regret it. But like#the mufasa thing just makes me mad. no one asked and it makes no sense to do this.#but STITCH???#one of the Staples of childhood and one of the best animated d*sney movies imo#nothing will top those opening scenes for me. the music! the colors! then the storyyy#but the thing that makes me angry about this one is that live action stitch IS really cute. so diss knee can be like Hell yeah we’re -#raking in our coin with merchandise like we always do!!!! Who cares if our movies are good look at this creature!! You love him and more -#importantly your kids will recognize him on shelves heehee aren’t we so cool!!!!#the state of art and entertainment and capitalizing on recognizable IP is depressing me this fine evening#i think we should do more of what the fall guy did. that was so frickin good. an adaptation of a classic show but a fresh take -#AND jody was adapting a low budget sci fi movie from the 80s to match her wild and silly and spectacular vision#like THAT’S entertainment to me!! we can recognize stories that made us and have all these influences and still make something -#with depth and nuance that isn’t a slap in the face to viewers and that succeeds anyway because of course it will#Anyway ! no one cares to read this probably but i actually am happy that i ended up circling back to the fall guy. i wasn’t planning to LMA#let’s go fall guy my beloved the fall guy#jess.txt#i’m stressed and tired okay let me have this
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every fucking day it's a new thing with this body. Like girl* how did you manage to strain your fucking elbow
#*gender neutral#i was literally just walking around#the only thing i can think of is holding it bent for too long which would be such a goddamn stupid reason for it to hurt#what. leaning on it too much on my gay and stupid picnic blanket?#that could be it actually 😑#i'm pissed bc i'm tired and need to eat#and bonus mad because icing ironically made me more aware of the pain and the way it's radiating numbness down my forearm#it super sucks i don't like this new joint pain at all#that's both knees both ankles right hip and left elbow all absolutely fucked this month#plus the usual wrists and hands not having a lot of fun#i need a doctor that knows what they're doing with connective tissue issues
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it’s always all about s in a crop top but what about r??? r in a crop top. most awkward man alive showing his navel. i support it
#s gets on his knees immediately obviously like what else is he going to do???#don’t b ridiculous!#and r has his bony little hips sticking out his kinda pouchy slash hollow stomach!!!! he’s got a cigarette hanging out his mouth#handsomest princess ever actually#i feel like i have more to say on this but i got really tired#i slept for 11 hours last night my body said. sleep more actually#catching up on the obscene exhaustion n social burnout <3 going outside is asking. a lot of me at the moment#laura says some things#r
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*exhibits symptoms of disorders you have been diagnosed with and just so happen to also be depression symptoms, but isnt actually depressed*
People: Hmm I diagnose you with depression
#for reference the symptoms are fatigue/trouble motivating/general anxiety#I have had at least 4 people suggest 'Oh you might be depressed' in reference to my exhibiting symptoms of...what I have#It's very frustrating#Im tired because im chronically ill#I have trouble motivating because thats what ADHD does and being tired does#And my anxiety issues have gotten BETTER#Im am not numb hopeless or sad. I have plenty of interest in the things I like even at my worst.#my appetite is the same as its ever been#I've been through periods of self loathing. Those have passed.#and even when they were present I knew it the thoughts weren't facts bc God isn't a liar#Which that was the closest I've been to being depressed in a long time. But it still isn't depression.#If I were treated for depression rn it would totally ignore all the things ACTUALLY causing my symptoms#Life is awesome. I like doing things & I think I am the bee's knees (lol)#I have been depressed before. This just ain't it chief.#I already know what my issues are#Just cuz I got those don't mean I have to be depressed too#and I feel weird saying it too because I have the oddest feeling that I'm going to be dismissed as stubborn and blindsided#like 'you just refuse to admit it' kinda thing#But I know what it is that I am expiriencing#It's frustrating that an entirely different topic keeps coming up about it#also. the self loathing issues- they popped up when my ANXIETY got worse.#I was otherwise not expiriencing depressive symptoms outside of the things I expirience as a result of other illnesses#that I have been actually diagnosed with#blegh grr growl#Wanna focus on the actual issues not come up with false ones
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me today 💤
#no i did not end up studying 🫣🤐🤥#the ibuprofen did help with the migraine but i still feel so drained like my energy tank is on 0 😞#and i'm tired of beating myself up for not constantly studying like why do i always have to neglect my health for school??#idk how other people do it bc i know others get way more done than me & have way more responsibilities but i just don't have that kind of..#energy i'm sorry it takes up all of my energy just to survive and exist in this world 😭#i feel like such an immature crybaby but once again that kafka quote comes to mind:#i could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason#also my mom recently pointed out to me that i have been studying for 21 years of my life & i just went shocked pikachu face 😯#like that is absolutely INSANE i've been in school since i was 6 years old it's honestly a miracle i didn't kms yet#and all of this studying for what??? you'd think i'd amount to smth but i'm an utter failure 🙃#literally haven't achieved anything the only things i got in my name are mental & physical health problems </3#well this is getting depressing let me stfu#so instead of studying i ended up watching sailor moon & dragon ball while eating chocolate covered strawberries <3#i actually wanted to take a nap but i just couldn't fall asleep even though i feel so exhausted#i need to survive 3 more weeks of exams before the easter holidays... i'm on my knees but i'm crawling...#i just need to pass everything... no need to have perfect grades just make it through these next 3 weeks alive#i just know i'm gonna have a breakdown soon & cry my eyes out bc it's all getting too much again 😮💨#☁️
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#don’t mind me I’m just having a night™️#i hate living with my dad more often than not#the only consistent pro is not paying rent#which I only get because every time I ask him what he wants me to pay him he gets all kinds of passive aggressive#I got roped into being his caretaker post knee replacement just because I’m here#and he can’t be bothered to treat me with half as much respect as he does his numerous girlfriends who treat him like shit#I’m so so so tired of doing every fucking thing around here#i haven’t done laundry because I’ve been in too much pain#i haven’t done dishes because I’ve been in too much pain#so of course the sink is overflowing and his laundry just sits downstairs because he ‘doesn’t want to’#the knee replacement hasn’t even happened yet#and I just know I’m going to end up doin every goddamn thing around this house even more#doesn’t matter that I am in a shit ton of pain and can’t even properly treat it#doesn’t matter that I might be having a difficult time with my mental health#doesn’t fucking matter !! he doesn’t want to do something now so I can end up doing it later#just thinking about how he and my uncle joked about ‘if you do it wrong enough times you stop getting asked to do it’#about dishes and laundry and shit#and that is so fucking disgusting to laugh about#especially when you literally put everything off so your kid can do it despite you being perfectly capable#and then refusing help when you actually do something#I’m just so fucking annoyed#i am in so much pain and all I asked was for one thing#doesn’t matter that I’m using my limited gas to drive him to and from the hospital tomorrow#or that I’m the one who went out and found him crutches#or that I’m the one who told him to think of some meals for the week since he’ll be recovering and I’ll be cooking them and then he refused#Fuck#I’m just so exhausted#and i I have to wake up super fucking early#i wanna bury my face in a butches chest and never come out#it’s fine I’m fine everything is fine
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going to bed naow :(
#head hurt knee hurt i think theres genuinely something wrong with my leg#my ass uses my massive umbrella as a cane because i get tired and#dizzy really easily and theres something up with my legs 😭😭#i probably wont be Here on Tumblr for a few days i have school work#and stuff i wanna get done/focus on and tumblr is slowly becoming one of#those Things i impulsively open after closinf#which is not good for me so im probably gonna turn off notifications sometime tomorrow#sorry guys :( this is a thing i do when i notice somethings becoming an issue and i need a break#im gonna do the same with discord actually
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I always think I'm dying cause some new awful thing will pop up and then I wait a few days and I'm not dead. Like the thing is still happening but I'm not dead and that's ok.
Most recently I've been getting like super dizzy and there's been something wrong with my brain and I get like. I want to say eye spasms? Idk what they are. It feels like I'm really tired and I've been staring at a phone screen all day like all the time. Even when I just wake up. And the top and front of my brain always feel wrong, and sometimes they hurt but it's not like PAIN pain but it is pain. Almost like a when someone puts a light in your eyes sort of feeling. Anyways the point is that I have been preparing for death or at least a significant amount of cognitive decline for two weeks and so far there has been almost nothing. Except that I struggled to read a few words I would have normally been able to read just fine but it's ok cause I can still read and walk around and I haven't started losing control of going to the bathroom
#i am actually so tired of there being something wrong with me#i just want to be normal and happy and healthy#idk why thats so hard#why do i have to constantly feel bad that's just not fair#talking about suicide past this point lol#im not joking when i say that stuff#ACK I FORGOT ABOUT THE ENDOCRINOLOGIST IM GOING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING KILL MYSELF#going to doctors always makes me feel like shit and that might actually be it for me#what if i literally died after the endocrinologist visit#there will be no answer i can guarantee that#she will have no fucking clue whats going on#and i will feel so fucking horrible that ill spiral and kill myself#one of my worst fears atm is that she'll be the kind of doctor that looks at genitalia#i will throw the biggest fucking fit anyone has ever seen mark my fucking words#if i have to undergo that sort of thing#anyways going to the doctor always makes me feel like the biggest fucking liar even though im not lying at all#she just doesnt believe me and i can tell and it makes me feel like maybe shes right#cause the pain isnt usually happening right then#so i just think that i must be faking it EVEN THOUGH EVEN MY MOM FUCKING SAW IT#AND PEOPLE HAVE SEEN ME FUCKING FALL OVER CAUSE MY KNEES SUCK ASS#i want a knee brace or a cane but im not always in pain so i think “do i really need it?” YEAH SOMETIMES I DO
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I feel really weird and it’s like- I’m trying to figure out if I’m sick, if I ate too much or too little, if it’s anxiety, Mayhaps I’m just convincing myself I feel shitty because I want an excuse to be lazy- maybe I’m legit sick frfr, maybe I need to eat lunch, maybe I need to skip lunch, maybe I drank too much coffee??????
#why are bodies weird and bad and not okay#I do not approve#F- from Robin#ugh this happens way to often#I’ve decided that everything ever I have ever experienced is actually placebo#I’m deeply afraid that everything I have ever thought or felt was just me convincing myself to think and feel it#I don’t actually have arthritis the knee pain is all in my head#i feel super tired#and kinda chills#I think my hands are shaky????? but it’s hard to tell#fun fact about me I can’t tell when things are swollen#like my arthritis would’ve been diagnosed way sooner if I had told anyone how swollen my knees were#but I literally couldn’t tell#once my dog came inside after getting into a fight with a wasp nest#and I didn’t realize anything was wrong until someone else pointed it out to me#I literally can’t tell when things are swollen#I feel kinda woozy in my head#I think I’m just tired#probably too much coffee#number one tummy ache survivor tho#my tummy hurts and I’m being very brave about it#robin rambles
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Can’t tell if I actually genuinely think this job interview tomorrow is a bad idea, or I’m just trying to convince myself it is because I don’t want to do it
#it’s an online interview so i think cancelling wouldn’t be too much of a dick move because presumably this person is interviewing all day#but i’ve already told people about it so they’ll be like ‘hey how did the interview go :)’ and i don’t want to say i cancelled it#but. look this place gives me bad vibes#the business isn’t even open yet so i’ll be one of the first staff hired and chances are i’ll be hauling stuff all over the place#and helping set up. and that just sounds annoying and difficult#plus i thought it was just retail but i looked it up and they have a bar??? which means they probably saw my bartending & barista experience#and that’s why they want me. these people are not going to let me sit down and uhhhh i have an arthritic knee. i need to sit down#also the employment satisfaction reviews are really terrible#i’m talking like; people mentioning they were getting abuse from customers and still weren’t allowed to ban them#but comparable businesses would absolutely ban those type of customers on the first instance#at this place they just let them stay though and you have to serve them even if they’re clearly abusive and not in their right mind#i also saw that you get asked complex mathematical questions in the interview and listen. my brain is mostly fog right now#every single one of my prescription meds is clashing with one of the others and making me sleep 10 hours a day#and my brain feels like a tired soup even if i have slept 10 hours#(or 9. or 8. or 7. it’s basically a 24/7 thing)#suffice to say i don’t think i’m going to be doing fucking mathematics#also it’s a teams interview and i hate them. although it is kind of nice to not have to take the train for half an hour just to be rejected#OH THAT’S THE OTHER THING. they open at 8:30 and it takes me half an hour to get there#so if they want me in right at opening i still need to get a bus at like 7:50. but more likely it’ll be way earlier than that#soooooo it’s not actually much better than my previous job where i was getting up at 6 to get a train at 7:10 to get to college at 8#to sit around for an hour or more waiting for class to start. 🧐#i know i live out in the back of the back of beyond and i will therefore have some stupid commutes. but come ON#and if i work the closing shift instead there literally isn’t a bus late enough to facilitate that for me. they stop at 8pm. when will i win#i’m just going to send an email cancelling it even though it’s the middle of the night and then i’m going to withdraw my interest on indeed#and then i’m going to bed#and if anyone asks; they made me do maths in the interview so i burst into tears and started eating the drywall#personal
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boyfriend toji asks you to workout with him all the time, but not in the way you’re thinking. you’re his incentive, a little prize for working so hard.
so of course he cages you underneath him as he does push ups, claiming a victory kiss each time he lowers himself to the ground. honestly the way you laugh and giggle is far more satisfying than the actual workout part of it, his lips quirking into a half smile each time he pushes back up.
“you’re so lame,” you laugh, patting his flexing bicep and he rolls his eyes.
“what’s wrong with havin’ a prize? i’m workin’ so hard,” he stresses the last word with an over exaggerated sigh.
“yeah right like this isn’t the easiest possible thing for you—”
a heavy kiss—his favorite way of shutting you up. he pulls back, expression going smug at your dazed reaction.
“you sure do talk a lot for someone who’s enjoying it.” he quips.
and you do enjoy it—honestly you’d take any excuse to steal affection from the hulking wolf of a man that is your boyfriend, especially when he’s always so willing to give it.
some days he’ll switch it up and ask you to get on his back as he does his push ups, because god knows he’s strong and he can handle you so easily.
and he likes the way you loop your arms around his neck, likes the way you squeal as he playfully tries to bite your fingers when they get too close to his face.
“i think i’ll just stay up here,” you comment from atop his back, and toji can hear your smile.
“oh yeah?” he grunts as he lowers himself to the ground.
“mhm.” your fingers drum over his back. “you look pretty good like this. i can boss you around and everything.”
“hah—” an evil smirk, even as sweat drips down his temple. “watch your mouth, kid. don’t push your luck.”
you laugh, he grins. somehow you just make the whole process that much more fun for him.
toji is selfish too. bad enough that he has you trapped either under him or on top of him as he does push ups for as long as he can. but once he’s done and you’re about to go do your own work he’s grabbing your wrist with that trademark smirk going, “hey i’m not done yet.”
and then you find yourself holding his feet down as he casually does sit ups, and of course each time he makes it back up he’s kissing you. you giggle each time, leaning your weight onto your palms to keep his legs steady as you peak over his knees. the sound tickles his ears—infectious.
“aren’t you tired yet?” you call out, tilting your head with a teasing smile. toji pulls himself up, abs flexing as his bulky arms stay put behind his head.
“tired?” he scoffs, lips brushing over yours. he pulls back just slightly, hooded eyes boring into yours. “i got my energy right here.”
he’s ridiculous. selfish and utterly ridiculous. it comes to a point where he refuses to do his exercises if you’re not there, claiming that “it’s no fun workin’ hard if there’s nothin’ to work hard for.”
but obviously half of the time he ends up forgetting about the workout anyway, grabbing at your waist to pull you into his lap as he presses his mouth to yours eagerly—one little prize already managing to distract him.
for someone so strong, toji can be embarrassingly weak when it comes to you.
oh well, no harm done. he knows he can get his exercise in a different way—and you have no problem with that either.
#once again toji manages to distract me while studying#i’m so sick of him i love him#jjk x reader#toji fushiguro x reader#toji x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen fluff#jjk fluff#fushiguro toji x reader#toji headcanons#jjk#toji x you#toji x y/n#toji fluff#jujutsu kaisen x you#jujutsu kaisen drabbles#jujutsu kaisen headcanons#toji fushiguro#zenin toji x reader#toji zenin x reader#jjk headcanons#jjk drabbles#jjk x you
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