#but my boundaries Are actually set for others. because they are caution signs.

[lhazaar]

r/polyamory is a dark and lawless place at the best of times but i swear to god nobody there knows what "boundary" means in actual practice, not just fun reddit theory. if i have to hear "boundaries are set for yourself, rules are set for others!" one more time i'm going to start traumadumping (Threat) (Hyperbole)

[antimony-medusa]

One of the things that I think sometimes gets lost when we talk about what's appropriate in fandom spaces is the notion that things can be appropriate in one space, but not for another. And that doesn't mean that the thing that's inappropriate in that setting is wrong, it just means that it's rude in that space. I think people want a single set of rules that's appropriate everywhere, but the thing is, you have to be able to assess the situation, and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

So an example. I have a fairly popular text post that was me asking about c!phil and religion in all innocence, and someone said "the only thing I have to say about c!phil is that he worships on his knees, thank you and goodnight". And I reblogged it like "I can't believe I forgot about how this fandom does phil analysis", cause it was at the height of the dilfza memes.

Anyways that's obviously a phil-is-happily-married/oral sex joke, in an oblique innuendo way, and on this site, where Phil is not here, and his friends are not here, with it being clear I was talking about the block man character, and we make jokes about sex and profanity (a very popular url scheme for a long time was "[name]shugecock" (or smalldick, depending on the joke)— that's a fine joke to make. I'm an adult, I can make sex jokes about fictional characters on the sex joke fictional character social media site.

If I was to make that joke in Philza's twitch chat, a) in his face, b) with his wife modding, c) in an enviroment where people aren't prepped for sex jokes, d) with it being not clear if I was talking about the cubito or about the real guy, that would be wildly inappopriate. I would be banned in every chat Philza mods in and I would deserve it.

That doesn't mean that it's inappropriate to make the joke in the first place though, just because I wouldn't do it at a Phil meet and greet. It means you gotta learn to read the room. (And like, sometimes it's hard to learn to read the room, but you can do it by pure brute-force memorization. I did.)

This is the same theory that underlies the fact that you can call your friends a bitch in a friendly way, because you are friends and you know each other's boundaries, but if you call your boss a bitch, you will be fired. There are rules about workplace appropriateness, and there are rules about what's appropriate in front of kids (I teach teens, I do not swear in front of them, I swear a LOT in front of my roommate), and there are rules about what's appropriate in different fandom spaces. Participating in an exchange about pregnancy and babies with your favourite blorbo of the moment? Great. Showing the actor gift art you got of him pregnant? No. Bad. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

The thing that concerns me is that I think there are slight signs that as we get more comfortable with sexy jokes and offcolour remarks as a MCYT fandom (QSMP is the big banner example but it happens with other smps), we're taking what's appropriate in one space (tumblr, home of the brain worms, where I have seen the blog "philzaswetpussy" on my dash), and we're bringing it into places that it's not appropriate (sure, slimeariana is clearly canon, but maybe don't put the actual dicks-out fan art in the art tag on twitter that slime checks). Cause we can obviously tell that the rules twitter is going with are silly for here, so it's full speed ahead for roier/spreen etc, but the trick here is that it's full speed ahead HERE, or in fandom servers, and not necessarily in the streamer's faces.

We have a bunch of situations where creators have said that it's not their place to weigh in on shipping or nsfw etc, and people have taken that as a go ahead and that's fine, but thats still something where I'd like, caution people that just because they said "not gonna look at it not my deal", that doesn't mean that like, you should make it difficult for them to avoid looking at it. Talking about scitties is an honourable tradition, but telling scar that he makes you question your sexuality in his TTS— I made a horrified noise in real life and the cats came to look at me.

And I'm talking about the shipping, but this is also a thing with like— sometimes I see a streamer and I go "my friend you just vividly described neurodivergent symptoms" but it is ABSOLUTELY not my place to say that in their chat. It might not even be appropriate to make comments about it on my blog, with the amount of followers I have. I have to keep the "streamer just described the ADHD experience again :pensive:" comments for the group chat. And we all nod and go "yeah sounds like streamer", and we do not put it in his face, cause that's inappropriate.

We get to have fun with the fictional characters, including off-colour fun, but we still have to remember that there are real people who don't know us who are steering those fictional characters around, and it can be profoundly weird to see some of the (stuff that is appropriate in fandom spaces!) just up in your face in the regular fan art tag.

Just think about the space you're in, and who you're in front of, and if a CC notice is actually likely, and if a CC notice would be Very Bad actually with what you're doing, and keep the "world's sluttiest absent father" bracket (with associated slutty fan art) for here, not with the streamer tagged on twitter.

[stagkingswife]

Hey there! I hope you're well today!

I was wondering if you have any tips on doing divination with a spirit for the first time. There's a spirit I'd like to reach out to whom I have not met before outside of dreams. I want to know if you have any suggestions on how I can prepare for a divination reading with an unfamiliar spirit, mostly in regards to protections and boundaries. This is my first time interacting with a spirit so I'd like to be prepared!

Also do you think the spirit would take offense if I asked a deity to be present for protection? I rely heavily on my deities in my practice and trust them strongly, but I don't want to potentially offend the spirit or make them feel like I don't trust them.

Thank you if you choose to answer and no worries if not. Hope you have a good day! :)

I know I took a while to get to this, so I hope I'm not too late for this advise to be helpful to you Anon, or if I missed the window with you, maybe this will helpful to someone else. I, personally, do not recommend involving a 3rd party in a first meeting with an unfamiliar entity unless you know for sure what the relationship between those two parties is. For example, if you are meeting Apollo for the first time and want to involve Artemis, that's probably safe. But if there's no lore to suggest that these two entities have a amicable relationship, or if the lore might be open to interpretation or depend on which aspect meets with which (Hades and Persephone, or Zeus and Hera, for example), I always opt or caution and approach the new entity on my own. The Otherworlds are vast and complex, you never know who has beef with who, and you don't want to upset anyone. (It is perfectly possible to work with two entities who dislike each other, you just need to balance it.)

The egos and personalities of spirits aside there is a lot that you can do in terms of protections to set yourself up for success on a first meeting. I always like to present myself to the entity as competent, but not scared or aggressive, which is a fine line to walk. I also like to approach them with trust, like I am expecting the best from our first encounter. For me that means that I leave my carefully warded home, as a sign of trust. (Because I live in an apartment, this just means that I go outside into the courtyard). I come equipped with reactive shields that will trigger on certain conditions that I have programed into them but I am otherwise unwarded until something triggers that shield. Some example conditions I build into my shields are "if the entity tries to hurt me physically" or "if the entity tries to make an attack on my Otherworldly form". I don't personally include emotional attacks such as intimation and fear, because I usually see those as posturing that I can respond to with my own communication and presence. I can also trigger the shields with a command word if I feel unsafe. If you want to involve your deity in your protection I would involve them in the building of a shield like this. It would give you the piece of mind of having them involved, having your back so to speak, but not actually present so there's no potential politics to worry about. I know engaging with an unfamiliar spirit with only reactive ward might not be everyone's cup of tea, it's just what works for me. So if you wanted to layer your protects you could also do that. Think of you baseline boundaries vs your break glass in case of emergency conditions - and then build a sustained ward, maybe on an enchanted piece of jewelry, for the baseline and the reactive shield is your emergency response. I can't really lay out for you what your baseline boundaries should be, they're different for everyone, and I admit to having a pretty high tolerance for spooky spirit nonsense. If you've warded you home and set up "house rules" that would be a great place to draw inspiration from! If you have specifics that you want to brainstorm, assume I'm not answering this too late and you don't mind coming off anon feel free to DM me and I'm happy to be a sounding board for specific boundaries for you.

[mypoisonedvine]

𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙮 𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧 (𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘐) || sub!bucky barnes x dominatrix!reader

𝙨𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮 || every client is different, with different needs; but this client is, in every way, exceptional.

𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩 || 5k

𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 || smut (cnc), dom/sub relationship, ‘mistress’ title, pain kink, cockwarming, orgasm denial/control, use of a cockring, slapping, objectification/degradation, some angst and hurt/comfort, crying after sex, touchstarved!bucky

new parts posted on thursdays!  join the taglist here

"And you can promise complete and total discretion?” the deep and husky voice on the other end of the line repeated, low enough that it was almost a whisper.

You laughed a little. “Of course,” you answered. Most clients were serious about privacy, but this guy was next level. He must be famous, you thought to yourself, or married. Or both.

But just as much as your clients wanted to keep you separate from their personal life, you would rather they know nothing about who you are. Of course it was always a risk, since nobody could hide their face and you had to work out of your apartment, but you did what you could to keep your job just that— a job.

You told your friends you were a consultant, because people didn’t question that. Sure, it was hard to keep up the lie sometimes when you got last-minute bookings and had to cancel plans, but it was worth it for the money these men were willing to pay.

And this new guy? He was shelling out all kinds of cash, on a long set of conditions. Including an NDA. You wouldn’t have given him up either way, but if the contract made him feel better (and made him pay more) then you were happy to sign it.

“So it’s all anonymous, then? No ID, no credit card…?” he pressed.

“I mean, if cash is easier for you—”

“It is.”

You were starting to worry that this was a major red flag, as if he didn’t want to be traceable back to you at all. It was almost a dealbreaker, until you glanced down at the legal pad you’d written his offer on and remembered that you couldn’t afford to turn him down. “Then cash is fine,” you decided, making a note to yourself to have 911 already dialed when he came by in case his aversion to ID was really about a desire to get away with something.

“When can we start?”

“Um, well the soonest I can do is tomorrow at seven” you explained.

"Great, I'll be there," he answered firmly, apparently about to hand up.

“Hey, hey, slow down!” you chuckled. “Can I at least get a name?”

“I didn’t think we needed to do names.”

“We don’t… but if you’re willing, I’d like to know something to call you.”

“James,” he answered after a tense pause. “James is fine.”

“Alright, James, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Upon opening the door, you instantly noticed three things about him: he was tall, he was big, and he was sexy.

You had sort of been hoping that his appearance wouldn’t match his voice, but it did, and it was going to make this so much harder.  Maybe easier in a few ways, but overall worse.  It was important that you didn’t get too emotionally invested with your clients.

His eyes were dragging over you like he was just as taken aback.  Which was odd, because he must have seen your picture online before he called you.  

“James,” you greeted. “Glad you made it.”

You stepped aside to let him enter, guiding him to take a seat in your living room.  Before clients came by, you hid any signs of life and kept the space as neutral as possible, which was why the only furniture was the white couch he sat on, the black chair across from it, and a glass table in between.

You sat in the black chair and crossed your legs, noticing with pride the way his eyes studied your every move.

“It’s important that we have a discussion about boundaries and limits before this goes any further," you explained sternly, and he nodded slightly.  "Tell me what you do and don't want."

“Uh, well, I guess I was just looking for… somebody who can administer, um, discipline… you know, someone who sets rules and enforces them.  But could also be kind of, uh, sweet I guess, to.  Not too sweet, just… not too mean either."

You smiled a little; he sounded right up your alley.  "I can do that."

"You should know I… I have a… disability.  My left arm it's, um, it's a prosthetic."

"How would you like me to accommodate that?"

"Just don't say anything about it, please.  Treat it like a normal arm.  And, uh, if you could ignore my scars, too…" he added awkwardly.

"Of course,” you nodded, “I would never want to make you feel insecure."

"Well, I mean, I'm not against degradation," he admitted sheepishly, making you smile a little.

"Right: that's different.  Anything else you're distinctly not against?"

“I can take a lot of pain,” he explained matter-of-factly.  “However much you think I can handle, double it.  I wanna feel it.”

You could almost hear the words he wasn’t saying: I wanna feel something.

“Okay, we can do that.  You’ve probably heard of the color system," you posited.

“I haven’t.”

"Oh."  That threw you off slightly… how new was he to this scene?  “Well, it’s traditionally green, yellow, red; like a stoplight.  Red means stop.  Yellow means proceed with caution.  Green means continue.”

“Sounds simple enough.”

“Too simple for me, in fact.  I have my own version: ‘red’ will make me stop what I’m doing, but only ‘black’ ends the scene entirely.  And then there’s ‘blue.’  That means you want more.”

He smirked a little; a strong show of emotion compared to his stoicism so far.  “I think I’ll use that one most.”

“Just don’t be afraid to use anything else, alright?  I’d never be disappointed in you for safewording, or even just needing a break.”

He nodded.  “Can we get to it then?”

“You’re rushing as always,” you laughed.  “I’m not charging you for this part.  We have plenty of time— don’t we?”

“Yes, but—” he sighed.  “You look really… I walked in and, I guess I’m just really looking forward to this.”

You almost would’ve smiled at the compliment but you thankfully suppressed it.  “And what is it that you’re looking forward to?  What do you want me to do to you?”

His jaw tightened as he looked away from you.  “Um, there’s a lot.”

“Enlighten me.”

“Ropes.  Strongest you have.  I can buy you stronger ones if you need them, for next time…”

He’s already thinking about next time?  He’s already thinking about buying me things?

“Alright, I can do ropes: wrists and ankles?  Or more than that?”

He seemed a bit confused by that question.  “Is there anywhere else?”

“Torso,” you enumerated, “neck—” you stopped because you saw his reaction to that, and it made you smile a bit.  “Okay, so maybe the neck is something to try.  Do you like being choked?”

“I… I don’t know…” he sighed.

“Have you ever been choked before?”

“Not… sexually...”

You felt your eyebrows rise, but didn’t want to press; a story for another time, perhaps.

“We’ll have to discuss silent safewords and signals so you can tap out, but if you’d be willing to try it—”

“Yes.”

You laughed.  “Eager, are we?”

He swallowed, and you wondered if you shouldn’t have let your ‘dom voice’ slip out in that moment… but he looked so good flustered like that.  He adjusted himself slightly in his chair and you hoped he was already hard.  And with that thought in mind, you couldn’t stop yourself from teasing him further.

“Do you like being called certain things?” you asked, voice lower as you leaned forward.  “How do you feel about ‘pet’?” 

He almost kept up his poker face, but his gaze faltered at the same time he moved in his chair again.  “Um, ‘pet’ is okay.”

“Baby boy?”

“Not really my speed,” he shrugged.

You slipped out of your chair and stood up, approaching him slowly as the click of your heels echoed across the tile.  He watched you with wide eyes and quickening breaths.

“What do you like?  Tell me,” you demanded, though you kept your tone light.

“Uh,” he paused, watching your hand as it rested on his leg, “I like… I like being called a good boy.”

You grinned as you pulled your hand away, watching him tense up with disappointment.  “I can do that,” you agreed, lifting his chin with a finger until he looked at you with those beautiful, desperate eyes, “if you actually are being a good boy for me.” “I will,” he promised quickly, “I’ll be so good.”

“Mmm, I bet you will,” you purred.  “So willing to please…”

“Tell me how,” he sighed as your hand trailed from his chin down to his chest, slipping under the loose collar of his henley and rubbing his chest.  “Tell me how to please you.”

“Well, for starters, I have a name, too: Mistress.”

He sighed like the wind had been knocked out of him, but nodded.

“And if I ask you a question, I expect you to answer ‘Yes, Mistress’ or ‘No, Mistress’.  Is that clear?”

“Uh-huh,” he agreed before suddenly correcting himself, “um, yes, Mistress.”

“I’ll let you have that one,” you frowned, “but further infractions will be punished.”

“Yes, Mistress; I’m sorry, Mistress,” he moaned, melting under your touch as your hand moved down to rub his thigh through his jeans.

“Now, just for fun,” you smiled, leaning down until your lips were nearly brushing his ear, “tell me what you want.”

“Please touch me, Mistress,” he sighed.

“But I am touching you.”

“Touch my… touch my cock," he clarified, adorably embarrassed. "It’s so hard for you…”

“We’ll get to that eventually.  Let’s go to the bedroom first, okay?”

However good he looked standing in your doorway half an hour ago, it was nothing compared to how he looked naked and hard and tied to your bed.

Yes, the prosthetic and the scars that attached it to his body were hard to ignore.  He had failed to warn you that it was metal, so you couldn’t hide the slight shift of your face when it caught the light; you hoped he didn’t think it was a look of judgment or disgust, because you truly didn’t think it was anything upsetting.  Maybe the scars were a little worrying… but they didn’t seem to bother him now, at least physically.

But truly, if anything was distracting about his body, it wasn’t the arm.  It was his muscles— no wait, it had to be his cock, right?  It’s tough to call: on one hand, his entire body was toned and hardened beyond the peak of human conditioning, his thick thighs making your mouth water already, his chiseled abs almost making you jealous; but on the other hand, between those lovely thighs and curving up against those perfect abs was a cock that rivalled anything you'd ever seen before, with a blue vein running up one side and a drip of precum rolling down the other.

You finally sauntered up to the bed and ran your fingers over the taught ropes, pretending to ignore him watching you impatiently.  It was almost hotter knowing that he could pull out of the ropes if he really wanted to.  More than most, he was choosing to submit to them and to you.

“How’s this knot feel?  Too tight?” you hummed, tugging the rope just beside his wrist and watching his hand move limply with it.

“No, it’s good.”

You stepped back to the foot of the bed and stripped slowly, peeling off your black dress to reveal a matching lace set underneath.  You left your heels on as you stepped out of the dress and kicked it aside.

Turning back to face him, James looked like he was all but drooling.  You could see in his eyes how much he wished the ropes weren’t holding him back so he could run his hands all over your body.

But you could tell he craved being denied what he wanted, by the way his cock flexed of its own volition.

You let yourself smile as you crawled your way up the bed and over his body, like a panther stalking its prey, and boy did he look ready to be devoured.

"Are you scared?" you asked quietly.  He shook his head.  "Are you ready?"

He nodded.  You sat up as you straddled him, positioned just right such that no part of you was really touching him, and watched with delight as he tugged against the ropes slightly to try to get closer.

"So needy," you grinned, somewhere between praising and scolding him.  Your fingers ghosted over his chest and he shivered; he asked you to treat his prosthetic like a normal arm, so you dragged your nails down the metal and watched his eyes flutter shut.  When you pulled your hand back and left him untouched again, he whined slightly.

“Aw, poor thing,” you pouted as you examined him, desperation emanating off of him in an invisible aura.  “Your cock is all red and leaking… it must hurt, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, Mistress,” he groaned.

“What if I touch it a little?” you offered.

“Please…”

You traced your fingers lightly up and down his length, tickling the skin and giving him the least pressure that you could.  He whimpered and you chuckled mockingly.  “I said I’d touch it a little, sweet boy, are you not satisfied?”

He bucked up into your touch as best he could, causing you to pull your hand away.  “Baby, please—” 

You cut him off with a slap to the face, as hard as you could muster.

“Mistress!” he corrected with a whine.  “Mistress, please… please wrap your hand around it.”

“Around what?” 

“Around… my cock.  Stroke me, please…”

“All you had to do was ask,” you grinned, finally tightening your hand around him and moving slowly up and down the shaft.  His head fell back with a soft moan, just from that.  Your teasing had certainly helped get him this worked up, but you knew it wasn't just that… he was plenty sensitive all on his own, apparently.

It made your mouth water.

"Does this feel good, James?" you asked huskily.

"S-so good," he whimpered, "please can you… stroke it a little faster, please, Mistress…"

"Hmm, not yet," you decided, feeling him tense up beneath you.  "Relax," you instructed with a free hand rubbing his thigh gently.  

You continued to teasingly stroke his length, never quite giving him the pressure or speed he needed to get closer to his release, savoring every whimper and whine and sigh from him along with the satisfying weight of his cock against your palm.

It felt like you'd never get tired of wielding so much power in your hand.

"Please," he sighed, "I need more…"

"You want me to stroke you faster?" you pressed, already knowing that wasn't what he meant.  He shook his head and you grinned, leaning in closer but letting go of his cock. 

Slowly, you let the lace covering your core rub up against his shaft, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head.  "Ohhhhh," he moaned, "oh fuck, Mistress…"

You grinned and kept rocking against him, easily feeling the warmth of him through your panties— meaning he, in turn, could feel the warmth of you.  "How does it feel, baby?" 

"Good," he choked out, "really, really good… fuck, I want more, I need more, please…"

"Are you my good boy, James?" you asked in a low purr.  He nodded eagerly, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed nothing.  "Do you want to be inside me?" you finally whispered against his ear, letting a finger run lazily up his spine and feeling him shiver so hard it was more like he was convulsing.

"Please, Mistress, I'll do anything…"

You didn't touch all of your clients sexually, due in part to the fact that they usually wanted a lot more pain than pleasure.  You'd only had sex with one or two of them, and it wasn't a routine thing.  Before today you never would've imagined doing this with a first-time client, but to be completely honest… he was fucking hot.  The kind of guy you'd be spreading your legs for instantly if you weren't at work and he wanted to buy you a drink or grab lunch.  And he was here, at your disposal, begging you for more.  How could you say no?  

You pulled your panties aside and gripped his cock tightly to guide it to your entrance, studying his face twisted in anticipation before sinking down and watching him gasp and sigh all at once, somehow.

It took a lot of effort to hide your own pleasure when he was stretching you out so perfectly, but you managed to suppress the desire to moan and just smile at his fucked-out expression instead.

Finally, your hips met with his and you got to sit there and enjoy the look of dawning agony as he realized you were staying completely still.

“Move, please,” he sobbed, “oh god, Mistress, please move…”

“But I thought you wanted to be inside me?  Isn’t this what you asked for?”

He whined and tried to wiggle his hips; all that got him was two hard slaps to the face.  

“No whining,” you instructed through your teeth.  “Good boys don’t whine.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whimpered, “‘m your good boy, I promise.”

“I know you are,” you grinned, “or at least, I know you can be.  Show me how good and patient you are.”

Reaching to the side a bit without getting off of him, you pulled a vibrator from your drawer.  His eyes went a little wide when he saw it, and you laughed.

"Don't worry, this isn't for you.  It's for me," you explained as you turned it on, inserting it between your body and his to touch the toy against your clit.  He winced as you sighed contentedly.  "Fuck, it feels good.  Can you feel it on your cock?"

"A… a little…" he hissed.

"I bet it feels good for you too," you posited, "but not good enough to make you come."

After a little pause, he nodded breathlessly.

"Good," you smiled.  "I just wanna come with your cock inside me.  I wanna know how it feels to get off with my favorite toy while being full of my newest toy."

"Fuck," he groaned.

"Do you like that, pretty boy?  Do you like me using your cock, being your Mistress' dumb little fucktoy?"

"Yes," he sobbed, hips shifting ever so slightly beneath you as he sought more stimulation from your flexing walls.  Shifting the vibe to hit right on your clit, you cried out— and he did too, at the feeling of you tightening around him.

"God, you love being Mistress' dildo, don't you?"

He nodded, biting hard on his lip until you worried he'd hurt himself.  He moaned again as another jolt of pleasure forced your channel to clench on his cock.

"You're making too much noise for a fucktoy, you need to be quiet."

He opened his mouth for a second, but closed it again and nodded instead.  

"You can do it yourself right?" you pressed, seeing him nod.  "You don't need me to gag that pretty mouth?" 

He whined but shook his head, keeping his lips pressed together.

That went on for a few more moments as you teased yourself with the vibe, hoping to draw this out for the sake of his struggle.  Wanting to up the ante, you took the vibe off your clit and turned it off for a moment.  "I think this would feel better with a little lube… will you get it wet for me, James?"

You brought the toy to his lips and he eagerly wrapped them around it, sucking lightly on the silicone with those pretty lashes resting on his cheeks.

"There you go, that's a good boy," you praised, pulling the toy from his mouth, "that's my good boy…"

"Yours…" he repeated weakly, "wanna be good for you, just for you…"

This time when you turned it on and pressed it to your clit again, you instantly gasped and felt your walls bare down on him; turning up the vibration, you actually moaned aloud and saw him wince.  "Oh, can you feel it now?" you asked tauntingly.  He bit his lip and nodded.

It really wasn't even intentional but you felt your hips start to rock, making him gasp as his eyes shot open.  For a guy who had been begging you to move not too long ago, he looked pretty overwhelmed by it now.

"Fuck, I'm gonna make myself come on your cock… do you wanna feel me come, baby?"

He seemed conflicted, which was exactly what you were going for.  You wanted him to struggle, just enough, between his need to satisfy himself and his desire to please you.  "I… I want to make you come, Mistress," he finally choked out, notably answering a slightly different question than the one you'd asked.  

You smiled and leaned in to whisper in his ear: "Are you afraid that if you feel me come around you, you won't be able to hold back?  That you might accidentally come inside me?"

He made a needy little groan and nodded.

"Don't worry, baby, I'm gonna help you," you promised sweetly, but of course as soon as he saw you grab a cockring from your drawer he changed his tune.

"N-no, Mistress, please," he begged with wide eyes, "I'll be good, just not that— don't put that on me."

You smirked and sat up, pulling off of him and slowly slipping the ring on his throbbing length as he quietly pleaded for mercy.  He winced when you pushed it down to the base of him, his cheeks burning hot red now.

"Is it a little too tight, baby?" you cooed, grinning when he nodded.  "Good."

You sank back down into him and let your hips grind on his, working your clit with the vibe and even kicking it up to the next highest setting.  He jolted beneath you, clearly feeling the vibrations strongly now, and you let the view of his beautifully broken facial expression egg on your own climax.

"Mm, I'm close, baby," you whispered, "just stay still and let Mistress use you like a good little boy."

He made a small noise through his teeth but seemed to manage okay, even when your walls began to pulse rhythmically around him and your head fell back, your free hand palming at your breast through the lace bra just to add that last little edge of sensation.

"Oh fuck, fuck," you moaned, "that's my good boy…"

You shakily pulled the vibe away and turned it off, still a little numb on your clit but feeling your channel still rippling slightly with aftershocks; he seemed to feel them in spite of their subtlety, if the panting breaths that filled his muscular chest rapidly were any indication.

As slow as you could manage, you pulled your body off of him and sat back on his legs to stare at his cock.  The remnants of your orgasm left plenty of lubrication to stroke it, focusing on the head which had turned almost purple now.

"M-Mistress," he groaned, writhing under your touch.

Amazingly, his cock was already flexing in your hand, and a growl of pride and hunger echoed in your chest.

“Oh fuck, can you come for me, James?” you moaned, pumping him so fast your hand was a blur.  “Can you be my good boy and come right through the cockring?”

“Yes,” he sobbed, “gonna come, Mistress, please—”

“Come right now,” you demanded, watching his face instantly fall slack as he spurted out onto his own chest and stomach, cock flexing and pulsing in your hands as his legs quivered and his hips thrusted wildly.

And the tears were flowing soon after.  You weren’t sure if it was sub drop or just the power of his release, but between weak sobs he whispered broken apologies.

“You did so good,” you cooed as you slipped off the ring and wrapped your arms around him, subtly trying to reach over to untie the ropes.  But you didn’t need to; he flexed his arms and the restraints popped like floss.  He embraced you in return as you let his head fall onto your chest.  “You’re so good, it’s okay,” you continued, stroking his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated again, breathing quickly and wetting you with his tears.

This, you realized, is what he had made you sign the contract to protect.  It wasn’t that he was excessively embarrassed about his sexual proclivities, but that this was his space to be soft, and weak, and broken.  Apparently he wasn’t ready for anyone else to know that he wasn’t steel all the way down.

“Shh, it’s okay… you’re okay…” you breathed, indulging him in this moment even though it was more intimate than you preferred to get with customers.  Aftercare was an important part of your job, certainly, but so was enforcing boundaries.

He began to soothe as you kissed his forehead gently, whispering well-deserved affirmations and praise.  As his breathing slowed and moved back to normal, he pulled back and looked up at you.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated one more time, but not as wavering as before, “I didn’t think I would… that was unexpected.”

“No, it’s somewhat normal,” you exaggerated slightly, “this kind of thing… it’s taxing, I pushed you to your limits.  You were really tough, and it’s all very vulnerable.”

“Thanks,” he sighed, sniffling and wiping his eyes.  “And sorry about your ropes,” he smiled as he noticed the frayed ends coming off of where his wrists were still tied.

“Let me help you get those off,” you smiled, loosening the knots and sliding the binds off of him, quickly massaging the places that the rope had constricted.  “Blood flow’s okay?”

“Yep,” he nodded.

“You numb anywhere?” you pressed.

“Uh, just my dick.  And my brain is all fuzzy…” 

You smiled.  “Can’t help the first one.  Let me get you some water for the second.”

“No!” he yelped suddenly.  “Um, don’t go yet, please…”

“Of course,” you smiled.  “I’ll untie your ankles, then.”

He still seemed disappointed, as if he expected you to hug him for hours and never move.  He let you go this time, though, and loosened his grip so you could slide down to the foot of the bed.  

"Was that sort of what you were hoping for when you called me?" you asked as you untied the ropes slowly and took a moment to massage the skin underneath, hoping to restore any lost blood flow.

"So much better than what I was hoping for," he admitted with a breathless chuckle.  "You're… really good."

"Well, thank you," you shrugged, "it comes with practice and experience.  You held your own, too."

"I wish I could say that was from practice and experience.  I didn't want to say anything before but I've, uh, never actually… been to a domme before."

You smiled slightly, coming back up and being pulled into another embrace.  "Um, I'll admit I can kind of tell…" you mumbled.

"I'm not supposed to touch you like this," he realized quietly, relaxing his grip on you and pulling back.  "I'm sorry."

"No, it's alright, just don't get too comfortable because we only have—" you glanced at the clock— "eight more minutes until you need to leave."

"I'll get up and get dressed soon," he offered with a sigh as you got up and quickly slipped on a robe, grabbing him a damp washcloth for the drying come on his torso.

You tilted your head as you watched him clean up, and you wanted to offer some touch that was a bit less intimate than a hug, so you found yourself blurting out: "do you like having your hair played with?"

"Um, I don't… I don't know," he admitted as he reached up to card his fingers through the hair in question.  "No one else has ever really touched my hair before."

"Really?" you laughed, getting back on the bed to sit beside him.  "It looks pretty luscious.  I figured any girlfriend of yours would want to get her hands on it."

"Oh, well, the last time I had a girlfriend… it wasn't long then," he explained, and you kept on your best poker face.  His hair looked like he'd been growing it out for at least two years, unless it grew crazy fast or something.  How long had he been single?  With a body like that you could barely believe that he was single now.

"Do you mind if I touch it?" you offered quietly, and once he gave you a nod you reached forward and combed your fingers through it, reaching deeper to scratch at his scalp, occasionally pulling the strands lightly into loose braid-like patterns that fell away almost immediately afterwards.  He sank into your touch until you found yourself supporting his head against your chest, mindlessly playing with his hair until you noticed his eyes were shut, his breathing was slowed, and his body was limp on top of yours.

He fell asleep.

You laughed silently to yourself, realizing that you couldn't get him off of you without his cooperation since he was so heavy and you had no shot at lifting him.  And, of course, his cooperation required his consciousness… which required waking him up.

And, for some reason, you couldn't bring yourself to do it.  He just looked too peaceful, for a guy who had never seemed truly relaxed around you.

Was there any other way he could relax?  Cause it kinda seemed like he really, really needed this.  And you were in the business of meeting needs, to say the least.

So, with an apologetic text to your last client of the night that you needed to reschedule, you let James sleep on you as you closed your eyes and drifted off as well.

[poisonnxkki]

Deity Work & Starting The Journey☀️

Interpreting the Signs:

Trying to find out if a deity is reaching out to you and who exactly that deity may be, has got to be one of the most frustrating processes of deity work. I've found that it doesn't matter how much I've researched or how good I am at divination, I always feel like I'm grasping at straws. In the beginning, I would list off deity after deity just to see if one of them would answer. Some did, most didn't and the ones who did answer would often just point me in a different direction and leave again. This is actually how I started ancestor work, I was trying to see if Hades was reaching out to me so I pulled card after card. He basically just told me to start venerating my ancestors and once I began that practice, I rarely felt his presence again. I am grateful for his help (since it led me to developing a great relationship with my ancestors) and still keep some offerings for him on my altar. Interpreting the signs that deities give us can be really difficult but have patience with yourself and don't rush the process. Sometimes it takes time to fit the pieces together and understand what they mean.

I recommend keeping a journal of some kind, or a note on your phone to keep track of what you’re seeing and what you believe it to mean. I also believe having a basic understanding of multiple deities is important. For example, if you feel pulled towards a specific chthonic deity then you may want to look into multiple chthonic deities that share that domain and pay close attention to how these deities are similar. Do they share similar animals, or signs? Do they rule over different aspects of the same thing? (Ex. Artemis, Hecate and Selene all being goddesses associated with the moon).

Some people who are struggling with interpreting the signs may choose to pay someone else for a deity confirmation service. I believe these services hold merit and I will never insult the work that other practitioners do but I recommend that you seek these services out with caution. I mentioned this in my post about intuition and signs but I believe signs are personal and only you can really understand a sign given to you. Someone offering a deity confirmation service can divine and give you their opinion based on that divination but at the end of the day, you are the one who has the last say. You form the connection and you need to be able to trust your own judgement. These service are great and these practitioners are doing great work but try to have confidence in your own intuition.

So You've Found a Deity, Now What?

Note: I recommend spending some time, before doing what I discuss next, to focus on researching your specific deity. I believe you should basically be an "expert" on that deity and know about their myths, cultural influences, holidays and more.

The first steps when beginning deity work will look different for everyone. Some deities may ask you to set up a space for them, others may give you a specific task or role but for the most part a discussion on expectations should occur. This is obviously not the same as sitting down with a friend but the idea is similar. Using divination, you can ask your deity what they expect of you or what kind of relationship you will have. Once you understand what it is they are expecting of you, you decide what to do. Some people just jump straight in to working and building a relationship, especially if they are content with the expectations. If you are not, then you can petition that deity and request the changes you wish to see. I highly recommend petitioning them either way even if you are happy with their expectations because it is a good way to provide them with your expectations of them. I usually ask for them to show me a sign I'm familiar with if they agree but you can go about petitions in any way you choose.

I believe this discussion to be super important when starting deity work because it places boundaries on the relationship and ensures that what you expect and what is expected of you is something you can handle. Obviously, this is not necessary and many people, with amazing deity relationships, forgo this conversation but I think it helps with relationship building early on.

A Note on Polytheism and Mixing Pantheons:

Many people choose to work with or worship multiple deities and deities from different pantheons. I think as long as you are respecting closed practices, it's fair game. I have heard some people say that deities who may not get along in the myths (like Athena and Poseidon), probably won't reach out to the same person but I have seen the opposite to be true in many cases. I have seen many cases of “opposing” deities vying for the same person and working together for the sake of their devotee. Often times, people will create separate altars but I don't believe this to be necessary. A deity who wants to work with you would not turn you down simply because you are working with another deity.

Additionally, the mixing of pantheons is something that has been done for centuries and is totally valid. This was especially common in the ancient world, for example when the Roman Empire would invade another territory they would often adopt the deities from that territory into their own religion. Which is also why many Hellenic deities have influences from other cultures and areas. It is totally valid to work with Norse and Hellenic deities together or any other combination of pantheons.

*First and second images are from Pinterest, third image is a photo of the sunset at my cottage*

[taechaos]

New Idea

pairing: Step-brother!Taehyung x Fem!Reader

warnings: non-con, bondage, pseudo-incest, sadism, smut, mentions of killing

synopsis: You wished to hang out with your brother Taehyung when he wasn't home, only to realize he was better off staying away.

word count: 3.2k

It was late at night. Rain flooded outside, drops trickled down your window and puddles formed on the roads as they reflected the neon lit storefront signs beautifully. The tears from the clouds splashed against the cement loudly, and you watched the empty streets in boredom. With your cheek leaning on your palm, elbow propped up on the round wooden table across your window, you miserably yearned to feel some sort of sugar rush with a deep frown on your face. Things have been mundane, repeating the same old routines as days quickly went by. You wondered what Taehyung had been up to in the time that he’d been gone. You knew he could resolve your boredom instantly had he been right beside you.

Taehyung – your step-brother who was the embodiment of adrenaline, and was most likely awake with you right now. The man never slept, always staying up at night brainstorming ideas for what to do during the day that was no doubt just as exciting as the day before. Bags adorned his eyes that somehow fit his wild persona that never needed asking for permission to do things that were illegal most of the time. It was especially daring when having strict parents, and the only reason he wasn’t locked up in a mental institution was because he was the pride of your family with excelling grades in college that he rarely ever attended. They never approved of anything he’d done, especially not the teal hair he was currently rocking. You on the other hand, looked up to him as a role model.

What you’d do to see him right now. Sometimes he tagged you along with his adventures, such as exploring abandoned buildings and getting matching tattoos on your forearms that he chose. Despite the rebellious acts he put you through, he always defended you against your parents and got away with everything with a light scolding from his smooth tongue. Admiration wouldn’t begin to describe the amount of respect you had for him, though he was rarely ever around. Unbeknownst to you however, he never failed to go a day without pecking your cheek while you were unconscious. 

He was everything you aspired to be: a carefree soul with a creative mind and a heart filled with exhilaration. The only thing he hadn’t done was probably murder. It was a shame that absence made the heart grow fonder, because throughout the time you’d known him since your early teens, he hadn’t changed one bit with his disappearances that could go on for days. 

Taehyung never changed.

Was this what they called depression? Feeling numb and hating your life for how ordinary it was? You didn’t know, but what you knew was that you really needed Taehyung right now. It was 3AM and your parents were sound asleep in the apartment while you moped over how much you missed your step-brother’s presence. Not a single moment was dull with him, while you were too much of a coward to go through with any of your desires.

And as if your prayers were answered, a pound came on the door. The loud knock instantly gave away the person behind the door; Taehyung, who never cared for how loud he was unless he was on a stealthy mission.

Your heart skipped a beat as the door swung open and the silhouette of your step-brother entered before it was slammed shut with a lock. “You’re awake?” he asked in a whisper without moving an inch when he noticed your seated form.

“Can’t sleep,” you breathed, unable to hide the joy you felt upon seeing him in your tone. He couldn’t have picked a better time to visit you.

“Why not?” he walked over to you before kneeling. There was a smile on his face that matched yours, instantly giving away he came to your room with purpose. It was expected, for he never approached you if not to tell you about one of his newer ideas. 

“Was bored.”

“So was I,” a mischievous smirk graced his face. The street lights outside illuminated his messy hair that your hand itched to ruffle. “But I found us a solution.”

Your eyes gleamed with hope, your grin never faltering. “Tell me,” you impatiently urged, your knees already bouncing up and down with excitement.

“I’ll give you a hint: we’ll both be having fun. But you need to listen to me,” he cautioned with a raised finger. You nodded frantically, willing to do whatever he needed you to do. “Okay, stand up.”

You obeyed him and only then noticed the bag slung over his shoulder once you stood before him. “Let me do all the work, yeah? You just stand still.”

“I really want to know what it is,” you whined and bounced on your feet. 

Taehyung held onto your tits that bounced with you and you quietly gasped. “Better not be acting like this with anyone other than me. Naughty,” he scolded before unzipping his small pouch. 

“I don’t go out without a bra,” you rolled your eyes playfully. Taehyung was notorious for doing and saying things without a filter, uncaring of the effect it had on others. This was simply him looking after you without any boundaries, because he never set any with you.

He pulled out a duct tape from the mystery bag. “Turn around and hold your hands behind you.” You complied without protest, the ripping of a duct tape resounding in the room as he tore it with his teeth. He taped your wrists together like cuffs before facing you again by the pull of your shoulder. 

Confusion washed over you, but not a trace of fear. “What’s this about?”

“Now go lie down,” he ignored you and nodded at your bed. You sat on the center, your sheets already rumpled from all the tossing and turning you’d done in an attempt to sleep. His figure loomed over you and your heart raced in anticipation. “Don’t move, okay?”

You silently watched him with piqued curiosity as he pushed you down. The soft mattress dipped under your weight and you didn’t move a muscle until you felt him tug at your flannel pajama pants. “Taehyung? What are you doing?”

“Just trust me,” he ignored you again and you furrowed your brows as he undressed you. “You’re going to like it.”

Without a single clue of his intentions, you expected him to change your pants after he took them off, but definitely didn’t expect him to aim at your panties next. The second he held onto the hems, you crawled away from him and repeated more firmly, “Taehyung, what are you doing?”

He yanked you back to him by your ankles. “Don’t you trust me? You said you’d listen to me.” 

“I don’t think I want to do this,” you strained and tried to pull your knees to your chest, but he tightened his grip on your ankles.

“It’ll be fun, just sit still,” he spoke airily, his tone unbothered compared to your worried one. “I would never do anything to hurt you.”

Once you felt somewhat reassured, you relaxed your legs and lied back down. The discomfort swallowed you whole when he undressed your bottom half completely. The chilly air hit your bare legs and left goosebumps in its wake.

“You shouldn’t be shy about being naked with me,” he chuckled and tapped your pussy carelessly. You yelped and bent your knees again. 

“Taehyung, this isn’t right,” you stressed and clenched your thighs together. You were growing wary about this ‘idea’ and you weren’t sure whether his pupils were dilated because of the dark anymore. He could be high. “Let’s try something else, please.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he scoffed and spread your thighs apart, hovering over your loins. “You’re going to love this, just calm it.” He grabbed the duct tape again and tore off a smaller piece before placing it on your mouth, making your efforts of leaning away fruitless. Your voice was muffled behind the sticky tape as you shook your head. “Don’t make me tape your legs too,” he warned as you tried pushing him away. He sat on your knees as he began unzipping his washed denim jeans, ignoring your babbling.

“Been watching a lot of porn lately,” he began casually as tears brimmed in your eyes. “I usually find it boring, but I came across a video that I couldn’t resist reenacting. Plus you were bored too,” he defended, “it’d be mean if I spared my little sister of this fun.” 

You didn’t know whether he was joking or not, but you were ready to start crying if he was actually doing what you were thinking. You sighed in relief when he reached for his pouch for a pair of scissors. It had to be a joke then–

Taehyung began cutting your shirt from the middle, and you whimpered when your tits were on full display. Your nipples hardened as a result of the exposure, and tears immediately began streaming down your face mixed with muffled sobs.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad,” he exclaimed, “we’re not related by blood. It should be fine.”

When you continued crying, he said, “I’ll take off my shirt too, if it helps.” He heaved his t-shirt over his head, his firm chest hard to make out in the midnight dark. “I was thinking kissing would ease you into it, but only if you’re quiet.” Your cries grew louder instead. He sighed exasperatedly, “You can be such a crybaby sometimes.”

He started leaving open-mouthed kisses on your neck, and you whimpered at the feeling. You were ticklish and though you were completely terrified, the kisses were a bit soothing. “This is me being nice to you, because oh boy, that guy in the video was a fucking monster,” he laughed while going down the valley between your breasts. A finger flicked your nipple while his other hand rubbed over your folds. “Want me to eat you out first? You’re not wet enough.”

You shook your head in refusal, so he merely shrugged and began circling your clit instead, his fingers now pinching your nipple. His mouth latched onto your other nipple and he swirled his tongue around the areola, clashing pleasure with pain. The rain drowned out your involuntary moans but Taehyung caught them anyway; it wasn’t hard to miss when your arousal began coating his hand. He released your nipple with a pop and locked eyes with you. “You’re enjoying this? Not gonna lie, I was expecting you to cry longer but... you're a little slutty, aren't you?” He slapped your pussy experimentally and smiled when you moaned loudly. “Keep this up and I might just take off the tape.”

For a moment, he wondered if this was why people enjoyed sex so much; your moans were like music to his ears and your body was making his cock throb even more. He could really get used to this, he thought as he slapped your pussy over and over, the sound echoing in the room along with your high-pitched whines.

“Shit, I need to record this,” he mumbled before reaching for his phone on his back pocket. Your protests went to deaf ears as he began recording your pussy and spanked it, the microphone picking up all your sounds of pleasure. Once it reached the one-minute mark, he threw his phone on your pillow and took out his erect length from its restraints, giving it a few pumps as the tip oozed with pre-cum. “I never thought fucking you would be this easy. Thought about it every time I touched myself.”

You went quiet at the revelation and he smirked at your raised brows. “Why are you surprised? Whenever I’m home, you come hug me with your bare tits pressed up against me. Not that I’m complaining of course,” he chuckled hotly. “Want me to kiss you now?”

When you didn’t respond quickly enough, he ripped the tape off of your mouth without mercy and your eyes teared up at the pain with an ouch. He didn’t waste a second in enveloping his lips with yours as he cupped your pussy, smearing his pre-cum on your labia. He swallowed your moans as his mouth moved vigorously, tongue meeting yours as he explored your cavern. The smacking of your lips caused you to clench your hole, the sound arousing to your ears as you kissed him back.

“You going to stay quiet for me?” he murmured against your lips, his cock poking at your hole teasingly. You hesitated but nodded nonetheless. “Good girl,” he praised with a grin and lightly pecked you before properly positioning himself.

The reason why Taehyung was so eager to have sex with you wasn’t just because he was horny, but also because really wanted it to be your pussy that he fucked first, and maybe second, and third. He was a virgin who watched too much porn when he wasn’t outside, and now that you were 18, he thought it to be the perfect timing for you to lose your virginity to him like he’d imagined when he was 15. 

Due to his experience, he didn’t ease into your pussy and instead shoved his cock entirely. You screamed and he instantly put a hand over your mouth. “Too much?” he asked with a strained voice. His cock was just begging to be thrusted into you, but he couldn’t have you screaming and waking your parents. When you nodded with eyes shut in pain, he groaned to himself. He was twitching inside you, and after a few seconds, he began moving.

You were crying and bitching again, but he paid no mind to it as he pressed his hand onto your mouth while gently slamming his hips into you, his courtesy for now. You'd adjust sooner or later, but the stretch was excruciating; your walls stung and you started to bleed on him.

"Oh fuck," he giggled sadistically once he noticed the crimson fluid, "that didn't happen in the video." He gazed into your glossy eyes before quickening his pace, growing rougher. "You're crying again; what's new?"

Taehyung was laughing as he was moaning, but you couldn’t hear anything except for the ringing in your ears. Your heart pounded and you were struggling to breathe through your nose as he fucked you relentlessly. 

“I kind of feel bad for you,” he panted with a sinister smile. “Does it still hurt?” He took your sobs as a yes. “Poor baby,” he cooed with a pout before moving his free hand to your clit. “This might help.” You were struggling with your bound hands, but you couldn’t move your legs because of how much it hurt. Your fighting was useless, and your body was growing numb except for the thumb that made it less painful.

Taehyung removed his hand from your mouth to hear your moans clearly. Whether it was from pleasure or pain, he didn’t know, but he loved it. He wanted to be the only one to see you in this state. He’d gauge out any eyes that got to see you naked and stab any ears that got to hear your pretty sounds.

But it was a little difficult to savour it when he was reaching his climax so soon; damn inexperience and the low stamina that came with. He had enough self-control to pull out of you to finish himself off with his hand. He missed the warmth and tightness of your pussy and how it kept clenching down on him quickly, but it had to come at a cost – not cumming inside you.

“You fucking monster!” you yelled hoarsely, eyes blurred with tears and face covered in tears.

“Too loud,” he sighed and forced your mouth open to shove his length inside. “Try anything, and I’ll fucking kill you.” His cock was heavy on your tongue as you gagged on it every time he thrusted. It wasn’t long before he released in your mouth and you choked, swallowing his cum without a choice. Another loud moan erupted from him as his hips stuttered while gently slamming into you for the last time.

“Fuck,” he exhaled before collapsing on you with his palms holding up to not smother you completely. “Shit, you’re such a good fucking girl.”

When he raised his face from your shoulder, you spat on him. He laughed hysterically before wiping off your saliva from his cheek. “I’ll make it up to you, damn.”

“You’re the fucking worst Taehyung,” your voice wavered as you insulted him. “I hope you rot in hell. I always saw you as my role model, but now I understand why everyone fucking hates you.”

“Sheesh,” he snorted, “I told you I’d make it up to you, didn’t I? It might hurt now, but it’ll feel a lot better when we do it again.”

“If you try-” he cut you off by going down on you, taking his clit into your mouth and immediately emitting a moan out of you. “Stop, stop, stop,” you chanted in gasps, trapping his head with your thighs and contradicting your words. He chuckled against your swollen pussy, making it feel even better and yet worse. This euphoric sensation wasn’t what you needed after being traumatized by your own step-brother, but it was what your body wanted after getting a taste of his tongue. 

He was slurping up your juices and spitting on your folds before abusing your clit again. The bastard knew how to distract you from your newfound grudge, but you weren’t going to forgive him after your orgasm. Your hips moved against him on instinct as his tongue ran up and down your labia. A knot formed in your stomach, your tears long forgotten as you became more persistent in riding him in this awkward position. He heaved your thighs over his shoulder to take full control, and with his vigorous sucking and pulling, you came undone with a spasm.

“Feels good, right?” he asked rhetorically and fell limp next to you.

“I’ve never hated someone as much as you,” you seethed while recovering from your high.

“You’re going to tell me that wasn’t fun? No way,” he stared at you in disbelief.

“You hurt me,” you sniffled and covered your face.

"I'm sorry princess," the nickname felt foreign on his tongue as he held your arm. "I'll leave forever if you want me to."

He hummed when you stayed silent with a runny nose. "I'll clean you up and go, okay?"

"No," you huffed. "You become my slave for a whole month."

"You want me to stay home with you?"

You nodded while rubbing your eyes with your fists. "You can't do that and just leave, and I hate you but I miss you."

Taehyung resisted the urge to squeeze your cheek and coo. He knew you'd regret asking him to stay, but he wouldn't say no to spending time with you 24/7.

Chuckling through his nose, he said, "I miss you too." He traced the tattoo on your forearm, a minimalistic mockingbird with an arrow slicing through the middle. He picked it because it represented you; an innocent little thing who didn't even look down at her wound, only focused on flying back to Taehyung, a hawk that waited with open arms - ready for his meal.

If you wanted him to stay, then that's what Taehyung would do. You'd fallen for his trap twice, the third wouldn't be so bad. He'd make sure you enjoyed it this time.

[capricioussun]

Ooh if you're doing headcanons, tell us about UF Papyrus! What does he do with his hands when standing still? What do his footsteps sound like? How close does he stand to people he is talking to? He's such an interesting character!

It would be my pleasure darling! UF Papyrus (most commonly nicknamed here as Edge) is like my It Blorbo. The final girl of my brain. It always comes back to him…

(Probably) unsurprisingly, a lot of his “standard” behaviors were heavily influenced by his world and upbringing, so you’ll mostly see a lot of…caution, in his behavior, especially around others!

I’m a big fan of the headcanon Papyrus stims and fidgets, but unfortunately, these traits are either seen as childish or anxious/nervous in UF, so he’s had to repress them to avoid appearing outwardly weak in any way. When standing idle, he’ll either cross his arms or rest his hands on his hips – for some reason, he doesn’t like having his hands down, so they’re rarely at his sides if he’s stationary unless he’s standing at attention as a Guard. Though in private, or maybe after some time on the surface, he’ll pick up a mild tap wherever his hands are resting (still usually crossed or on his hips, but also might be clasped in front of him). It’s a pretty mild tic, especially considering his gloves mostly dampen the sound, but if he’s really stressed, his hands are clenched into fists wherever they’re resting, and he may clench and unclench them periodically (usually a sign his LV is bothering him).

As for his footsteps! It actually varies a lot! I’d mentioned a little while back he has a number of different strides, but overall, he usually actually has a surprisingly light step! It comes from needing to be quiet, for stealth’s sake, and unlike many other interpretations of UF Papyrus, Edge doesn’t really wear heels because he’s…already very tall and it would just make existing a little more difficult for very little return. So if wearing shoes, it’s usually tactical boots or reinforced “work” shoes, which lend very little sound to his steps at all! Though if he was barefoot and non-binding (and on a hard surface like tile or hardwood), you’d be able to hear the little clicks and taps from his claws! But just for standard walking w/ shoes on, quiet and even paced!

Again, possibly unsurprising, but Edge much prefers to keep his distance when talking to others, at least outside of stab range. He makes sure to keep his volume up when speaking to others he’s not overly familiar with, taking on a little bit of his Guard-sona, because otherwise, he’s actually a bit of a mumbler! So he tries to make sure to keep a level, hearable volume so whoever he’s talking to doesn’t try to get closer. Conversely though, if it’s someone he’s familiar with, he’s usually more than okay with being closer, especially if it means he doesn’t have to pay attention to volume or how he’s talking. It’s not unusual to see him and Levi (his Undyne) basically shoulder to shoulder when they talk! Half habit from having discreet conversations back underground (the closer the better, for quiet’s sake), but also just because they’re bros and personal boundaries have diminished between them over the years! Same with Red (Sans)! Tends to stand closer to avoid raising his voice, especially since Red is so much shorter than him lmao

Also, a little fun additional fact u did not ask for, he actually really likes picking people up. He’s way too uncomfortable touching others pretty much at all back underground, but after surfacing and getting more used to physical contact, he really likes holding others! Loves to carry kids or pets, absolutely the guy who moves people to their bed if they fell asleep somewhere else. Something about it just makes him feel…steady, reliable. He’s also super protective so it might have a little something to do with that, too, but eh, it is what it is. (This is especially fun with Void (VF Papyrus) because he has two (2) sets of arms, this means he can and will just pick someone up and also continue doing things unhampered)

I agree!! Aggressively!!! I love him…

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Traits of Adult Children of a Narcissistic Parent

1. Indecision and Guilt

Adult children of narcissistic parents fear that they will hurt someone else by choosing to do what’s right for them. They have been ‘trained’ to consider their parent’s needs first and foremost, and it is therefore hard for them to consider their own needs without feeling selfish for doing so. This indecision and guilt can be paralysing for years.

2. Internalised Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave the adult child feeling that they have very little to offer, even when the contrary may be true. Growing up, their talents and skills may have been downplayed, ignored, or co-opted by the narcissistic parent who will have felt threatened by their child’s skills.

Even when the now adult experiences success, they may feel that they don’t deserve it and this can give rise to imposter syndrome.  

3) Love and Loyalty

Even after growing up amid lies, manipulation, and abuse, it can be really difficult for adult children of narcissists to step away from caring for and loving their narcissistic parent. They will likely feel guilt for trying to step away or input boundaries, and may even enter into relationships with partners who show narcissistic traits. A love that is based on manipulations and conditions is something that is known to them, whereas a love that is unconditional might seem quite terrifying.

4) Strength and Resilience

Very often, adult children of narcissistic parents display a great ability to show compassion and love for others, are able to form loving relationships, and to learn to love and care for themselves. It is possible to recover from growing up with a narcissistic parent, and this will be discussed later in this article.

5) Chronic Self-blame

Whether or not the parent is openly abusive to the child, they are almost always emotionally tone deaf, and are too preoccupied with themselves and their own concerns to hear the pain of their child. As discussed earlier, in order to try to maintain the family unit, the child (even if they are now an adult) shies away from blaming their parent and instead takes all the blame on themselves; “If I was better at…”, “If I wasn’t such a difficult child…” and so on.

This can continue into adulthood, where the adult child continues to take the blame for things that aren’t always their fault. They become the scapegoat in many situations purely in order to keep the peace.

6) Echoism

Echoists and Narcissists complement each other and you can read more about Echoism here. Essentially, narcissistic parents can explode into anger or burst into tears without much warning, which forces their children to take up as little space as possible in order to avoid triggering one of these emotional outbursts. It can feel like walking on eggshells; trying to do everything possible to avoid their parent having a meltdown.

7) Insecure Attachment

Adult children of narcissists are likely to become insecurely attached to their parent; never experiencing that safe base that they need in order to feel comfortable exploring their environment.

The neglect, manipulation, or emotional absence of a parent can leave their child questioning how safe they will be able to feel in other people’s hands. This leads some adults to become fiercely independent, not trusting that anyone else can be relied upon. However it can lead others to cling to their partners for love and demand the attention of their significant other at all times.

8) Parentified Child

Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent will have organised their whole life and personality around the happiness of their parent, and will then grow up organising their life around the happiness of others – many of them working in the helping professions. You can read more about parentified children here.

How You Can Move Forwards

There are many different ways that you can move forwards and heal from being raised by a narcissistic parent. I would recommend that you don’t attempt to do this alone; whether you enter into a therapeutic relationship or work through your recovery with a partner is up to you. Working through this healing process with another family member could cause problems, so proceed with caution.

Here are some key steps that you can take to begin the healing process;

1) Recognise. As with anything, the first step is awareness. We can’t move on until we know what has caused us pain. If you are reading this article then it is probable that you suspect that one of your parents had narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

2) Study. Educate yourself about NPD and the impacts that it can have on the family system. Scour the internet, read text books, and talk to therapists who understand narcissism.

3) Recount your experiences. This exercise can be difficult, so I would definitely recommend that you get support with it. [Note from @c-ptsdrecovery: if you have symptoms of PTSD, I would NOT suggest doing this without a trained trauma therapist. They can help you recount your traumatic experiences without becoming overwhelmed by them.] For each sign and symptom of NPD, recall and write down your own experiences from childhood or adulthood that match.

For each of these memories, the narrative needs to be re-written with a new dialogue of “My parent is a narcissist and is treating me this way because of that.” There is no blame in this new dialogue; not for you, and not for your parent. This is a way of re-framing your experiences in the light of new information, and extricating the blame from yourself.

4) Identify. During the previous step, it is highly likely that some abusive, traumatic, and neglectful behaviour on the part of the narcissistic parent becomes evident. As painful as it might be, you will likely be able to identify emotional abuse and neglect (guilt-tripping, manipulating), and even psychological abuse (gaslighting or the silent treatment). You might also find examples of physical abuse, financial abuse (neglect or excessive gift-giving). It can be extremely helpful to work through these memories with a counsellor.

5) Grieve. there can be a lot of grieving involved in this type of healing. Both grieving for the childhood that you didn’t get, and also grieving for the image of your parent that has been shattered. As mentioned, growing up we only know what we know. And so, when you grow older and realise that other children had a very different childhood from your own, you might feel jealous, hard-done-by, and angry that you didn’t get to experience this.

You might have grown up protecting your parent, or idolising them, only to realise that they have actually caused you some harm. This can be quite de-stabilising and we may find that we need to grieve for the image that we used to hold of our parent.

6) Work through developmental milestones. It is very likely that, growing up, you missed some pretty important developmental milestones, and now is the time to start experiencing them and learning. Now is the time to explore your own identity, to experiment with your sexuality, with dating, with choosing what you want to study and what you really want to do with your life. You will very likely have to learn to ask for what you need (you can start off small, i.e. by asking for directions), to learn how to identify your emotions which were kept buried for so long, and to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

7) Understand. Finally, it is important to understand and come to accept that your narcissistic parent won’t change. As much as you might want to confront them, or as much as you do confront them, it is very unlikely that the parent will change their ways.

Confronting a narcissistic parent can cause some quite big arguments in families as, as mentioned earlier, a narcissist will feel great shame and vulnerability that their perfect image is being penetrated. This can lead to them becoming extremely defensive and angry.

It is also important to acknowledge, and maybe even forgive, your other parent. If one of your parent’s is a narcissist, it is likely that the other is an enabler. By going along with and/or excusing the narcissist’s abusive behaviour, enablers essentially normalise and sustain it. Sometimes enablers also assist the narcissist in their dirty work, condoning and perpetuating their abuse. By not naming the abuse and not protecting their kids from it, enablers become complicit, even if they are also victimised by it.

[alchemabotana]

Horoscopes for the Full Moon in Capricorn June 24th 2021

Antonina “Little Thunder” Whaples

@whaplesantonina

If you enjoy these horoscopes, please consider supporting by voting for me as Ms. Health and Fitness 2021 for Muscle & Fitness Hers Magazine. You can vote once every 24 hours for free. If I win, I am donating the proceeds to herbal medicine school scholarships. To vote: https://mshealthandfitness.com/2021/antonina

Strawberry Moon - Pen & Ink Sketch by Antonina Whaples 

Horoscopes for the Full Moon in Capricorn June 24th 2021

Strawberry Moon

This lunar Opening in Capricorn June 24th 2021 is a cry of righteousness on the hilly planes of our spiritual landscapes. With this meregoat’s lunation, we will experience the inherent benefits of the systematic work we’ve done since 2018, with a special emphasis on decisions made to change personal system errors. The Gods of karma are smiling at our intentions and efforts, and rewards will be reaped by those who invest in self discovery. Our ritual work has been seen and blessed in the Summer Solstice shifts by the spirits of the Land. If you listen closely on this strawberry moon, you may just hear the call of the Cosmic tricksters as they work their mojo on the psychopomp of Earthly frustrations. When you’re feeling the pull of your natal oppositions this moon, tune into the tendons of your actions and see where the motion stems from. You may be relieved to find that the strings that once pulled your puppet are made of finer ancestral threads and your permission to be free was always there. When you check into the Cosmic Chess Board you may find something of a rubix cube has emerged in your new dimensional awarenesses. Instead of throwing yourself into the equations necessary to unlock this next level, revel in the achievements that brought you to this very moment. In a cosmic landscape where the processes of life and death have been hyper focused in our collective consciousness it feels rebellious to change the font and type settings of the ancestral notepads in our minds. Representing the waters that run deeply within the Earth, Capricorn’s fullness in the night sky will illuminate various Spirits whose presence have been well established, but not necessarily recognized. A sign of the power of mental affirmation, your thoughts and words will hold a special magic in this moment. Remember that your Guides, Spirit Animals, Power Totems, Good Medicine Ancestors, and the Spirits of the Land are excellent translators, and with Mercury about to pop out of retrograde (watch out for its shadow til June 30th), its final lesson is one of the personal spiritual variety. When what we seek is Truth & Justice, we allow our souls to attune to protective forces that help us autocorrect, fold into origami, and transcend with temperance.

Aries:

It’s no surprise that an old tune holds the secret code from that earlier recording of the master tape your memory has been searching for in the old filing system. In these moments you realize just how deep and densely tracked the highways and byways of your mental system are. You’re the original wayfinder of your own uncharted territory of the mind. This state of curiosity opens you up to spiritual healing that aligns your personal ideals and values with the actions a person desires to embody. When your actions meet your words, you tend to feel the most at home in the grander machinations of Spaceship Earth.

I’m not sure if I’m feeling funky or groovy, jazzy or bluesy? Does it jive with you? Is it feeling all right? What songs have got you buzzed on this full moon night? I’m enjoying the humour of the human experience, and I find ways to incorporate positive sources of enjoyment into my daily routine. I recognize that I can be sensitive to the frequencies I consume mentally, and I’m manifesting sources of comedic gold into my awareness. I can be my own clown, and enjoy an inside-inside joke anytime my mind decides that laughter is the best medicine. I love to laugh, and allow myself this simple pleasure in life. 

Taurus: 

Saturn in Aquarius square Uranus in Taurus has been creating a nuanced ping-pong table in your mind. This influence has been upon your daily life for sometime, and shall continue on through the rest of the year, with another exact square in December 2021. Accept the exactness of this T-squared engineer level measurement on the corners of your ascension blueprints. It’s ok to look at the world from your own angles, and you may be happily surprised by the moments that unfold joyously when you use your sharpness to hone the hedges of your self doubt. There’s a special magic in this moon for you, as the meregoat lights a part of the puzzle we wanted to get done anyway. This refocused energy gives you the internal resources to wait to make your next move, even though the ones you’ve planned are quite clever already, when mercury rx clears you’ll have fine tuned your intel.

I give in to the epic bonestructure of my cosmic face in the universe. I know that on these edges are where the hedgerows grow. In these sanctuaries of my boundaries, I give spaces for things I truly want to cultivate to be engendered. I find which spaceships are allowed to dock at my intergalactic port of plenty, and make sure that my shields are up when psychic frequencies intend to disrupt my qi. When I breathe, I give space to the energy around myself, and I feel permission to let go. When I let go, I allow myself to accept instructions in the forms of feelings and intuitions. I do not allow the opinions or voices of others to upset my internal compass. I feel centered and grounded and know I will continue to make positive choices and believe in myself. I choose to honor myself, and that makes me feel good. 

Gemini: 

You’ve been carefully funneling resources into a variety of investments. Financial and interpersonal projects and alliances deepen, although it is not a time to throw caution to the wind. Caution and planning is what has allowed you to learn to trust the ebb and flow of the cosmic money winds, and you’re trying to siphon your own renewable sources, not steal from the Gods. When you place yourself in alignment with your internal resources, you can learn to embody compassion to provide yourself when feelings of self worth or insecurities prod you to feel guilty about the ways you regenerate. Let your conscience be your guide, and allow others to do the same. The path of self acceptance is most rich for you at this juncture, and it would be wise to use the Full moon to clear the psychic debris of your aura through ritual bathing, sound healing, and aromatics. 

I can sometimes turn my mirrors askance to the equations I cannot seem to readily solve. But, in doing so I lose reflections that empower me. I accept that it's time to look at some of those patterns again and see if they even deserve a place on the chalkboard of my mind. When I make space to use my memory card to run programs that make me have feelings I actually enjoy, I look into my secret box of fantasies and realize I may have already realized many of those experiences. In these moments of clarity, I hold a space for myself to enjoy what I may not have allowed myself to in the past. In this way, I take back my energy and transform myself in the present. 

Cancer:

In this moon you are finally able to feel that rebound-snap! Ka-bow! sh-zing! of Mars’ exit from your cozy airbnb. You’re reminded that you should be charging premiums for your ability to stay level-headed when the Gods and Goddesses war in the Heavens, and on Earth. You enjoy a good ritual bath, but to stay out of hot waters, this crab needs a cool-down. This Capricorn Moon is just what the doctor ordered, and something about the good medicine flowing through you can’t help but seep into certain streams where the mojo is most needed. This is an excellent time for you to pause in your personal space and take a moment to feel the beauty of your domain.

My soundtrack of life is a high luxury five star bathhouse of the Spirits. I’ve been Spirited Away to lands of emotional remembrance. The roots of my ancestors have spoken to me, and I have heard their instructions. I need not fear the judgments of others, because I am a sacred part of creation. I will not allow negative voices to infiltrate my consciousness, but instead, I will choose to believe that my work has been blessed by the Cosmic Super Computer and shall continue to have its content prioritized. In this space of trust, I allow myself to turn my consciousness to what I’ve relegated as “frivolous artistic pursuits”. I find the time and space to make something just because. When I experience this energy releasing through the act of creation, I realize why it mattered in the first place. 

Leo: 

The grass is pretty green in your patch. Both career aspirations and spiritual wealth appear to be presenting itself to you in all new fashions. You may literally be feeling called to new ways to express yourself externally, and this exploration of your presentation to the world helps you heal. You’ve been feeling called to healing in general, feeling like it may be a good time to start a new way of moving, or to add a healing ritual to your daily experience. If you happen to use stone medicine, Turquoise will be especially healing in nature during the transit of Mars through Leo, and can be just the cooling mechanism you need to keep your Roar without the bite.

Sometimes I’m just feeling high octane. When I find the right stomping grounds to release my charge I am able to do so safely through friendly communication strategies, good topics of conversation, interesting objects within my spacial periphery, and calming colors. It’s ok to turn the volume all the way up, but when the outside world adjusts its tone to match, I can switch to a different groove. I’m in awe of my co-creative power to engage my environment and use my influence therein to bring forth collective healing experiences.

Virgo: 

Something about this moon in Capricorn feels familiar to you, and perhaps it's the quiet watch you’ve held & the prayers of your heart being answered. Your physical being is finding ways to heal through your insights to your movements in daily life. As your mind/body/spirit awareness grows, you find new ways of expressing yourself. This ability to shift and transform might seem like deja vu, but it's your memories finding their way to the surface. When our minds give us abstract feelings and visions, we can move mountainous emotions safely within our systems, without harming ourselves or others. Breathe deeply and find a place to scream loudly if you need that release.

I have crossed some barren deserts, but I have not died of thirst. I am blessed with the life I have co-created in the spiritual planes of my intelligent manifestations. My awareness of the barren corners of life have given me compassionate reflective capacity and a recognition of my gifts by those whose opinions matter to me. I am enjoying the small moments of joy and call them precious to me. I forgive myself for any moments where I’ve expected too much of myself while I was grieving a loss. My heart is tender, and my spirit gentle. I wish to live in harmony with myself and others. 

Libra:

This Capricorn moon you are more annoyed than usual at laundry, other people’s messes, and scapegoating. Your sensitivity to physical objects is heightened under this Full Moon and it may feel overwhelming to be in the midst of the messes others leave for you to clean up. It’s more than frustrating when you acknowledge how your time/energy has been appropriated. Instead of letting loose the fire brigade when the bridge seems to be burning, walk away from the moments today that feel like a temptation. Make sure to find objects that reflect healthy energy back to you, and sit amidst a tiny oasis of your creation, and pay no attention to chaos of the Gods. You deserve a Full Battery, and the spirits are conspiring to recharge your battery banks this lunation.

I gather strength from my service to my community. When I have been unbalanced in the past, I allow my weight to ground in all directions through the sacred communions of my own secret tabernacles of the human experience. I make new covenants with myself and the way I speak and treat myself, so that I no longer need to suffer under the weight of the past. I don’t need to feel any guilt in laying down my load, and don’t need any permission to do so. When I feel safe, I will allow those who I trust to provide the respite necessary for me to heal my visions of my life and expand into an abundant awareness of how truly loved I am for being myself, and how needed my cosmic ray of intellect is to this world. 

Scorpio:

Known for your secrets and depth, you’ve been hiding like the Cosmic Sphinx between the pillars of the temple gates. You’ve been allowed to watch the clashes of the Giants unscathed, and your insight will outlast this passing phase of planetary tensions. You’ve been sending alien text messages to Neptune’s work phone, and the intel has been legit. Your attraction to Art, Color, Shape, Form, Music, and Theatre are encouraging you to make insightful investments in your own dreams. This Full Moon beckons you to create with abandon and let the waves of inspiration quench your desire for pleasure. 

I feel like the whole choir singing in one unison. I weave through the soundwaves, key changes, and rhythm switch-ups as I keep time with the sacred union of celestial sounds. I am aware that the tunes of the planet herself offer me a sacred respite from the cacophony of the cosmic movements. When I ground myself into the soothing waters of my spiritual essence I define for myself how my energy is used for the goodness of my own healing. 

Sagittarius: 

It feels like you’ve been getting along pretty well with the planetary forces, and everyone secretly enjoys the protection that your bow provides for the tribe. You may be feeling a bit cramped in the yellow submarine of the pandemic, dare we say you could have cabin fever? The Trines, Sextiles, and satellite signals of the skies indicate that you can find a special type of relief from the feelings of squished with mandalas, botanical drawings, and spirographs. When you take the time to let your mind journey in these ways, it lets your hunter’s mind relax for the next best chance. And no worries, you’ve got plenty of chances ahead, Sagittarius. 

Life is good. I do my hair toss, check my nails - baby how you doing? Hey, life is good. He’s got his eye on the sparrow and I guess that’s me? I’m playing with the chemistry... cause that’s how I be? When I look into the mirror I see a babe, a real dude of the neighborhood - my sister, mothers, daddy, and the community. I guess when I see you, I see me. And when I’m in that light in me, and you are in that light in you. There is only one of us: namaste my bissssssch 

Capricorn: 

This Full Moon in Capricorn you endeavour to ask outloud: “What Giant’s Bones Have We Built Ourselves Upon?” Your Full Lunation is opposing the Sun in Cancer, shining a shadow on our collective exoskeleton. This Full Moon feels like an archeological discovery when proverbial bones rattle out of the closet to give us a hoodoo prayer’s chance for self liberation. You’ve been waiting for a moment like this, and it's OK if you’re not ready to take that leap of faith. But should you choose, the moon lights up an emotional healing around the concept of “home”. You really want to know if you’re believing the right thing from one moment to the next, but keeping your head out of the secret sauce is key to giving your subconscious the space it needs right now to send out signals to the future. Soon enough you’ll be receiving confirmations of cosmic flavors right into your spiritual inbox.

I called Stephen Hawking and he called me back. My voicemail said: “Hey friend. I know this is a hard time on planet earth. I think people are doing better than they believe they are. It’s hard to be a human. I remember the constraints of the body, and I understand when you want to just fly away somewhere. I believe in you. Capricorns get a bad rap sometimes. I can see your progress, and I hope you take the time to see it too. By the way, we always have the time to say how much we matter to each other. Thanks for being, and enjoy this life, you deserve it”. 

Aquarius: 

There have been a lot of light bulbs going off in your spiritual laboratory. This Full Moon when the light shifts, your awareness of the dimensionality of the objects and purpose of your life is heightened. You may be experiencing some grief and loss around feelings of closeness with others. Recently you’ve been asked to hold a deep stability for the collective’s growth. Your actions haven’t gone unnoticed, and you’ve been receiving opportunities for advancement in your career. However, you are feeling uncomfortable with commitment while under a deep pressure to perform. These archetypal struggles are up for healing on the altar of the Full Moon. Your magic fairy dust works the best when you sprinkle it on yourself. You are learning the ways of Illuminated Prosperity.

My voice is a symphony of grace within a cacophony of sound. I breathe in the knowledge that my very existence is a miracle of my own embracing. I find myself at home in my surroundings and know I belong. Whoever “They” are, I know I can be myself around “Them”. I trust that my instincts are perfected beyond doubt. I’ve taken all the tests and quizzes and my insights are showing precision on whichever experiments have survived my tests of time and spirit. When I tune into my highest self it's because I’m recognizing my ability to be in that place no matter what surrounds me. Even when my circumstances deny me, I do not deny myself. I believe that I am worthy of the life I am living, and anticipate my surroundings shifting to match the unique vibrational fingerprint that I offer planet Earth. 

Pisces: 

You’ve been holding down some major spiritual territory during the recent seasonal shifts. The light of the meregoat acts as a lighthouse beacon for the whales and whistleblowers of your waters. You’re not particularly interested in that island, and prefer to spend this Lunation in Capricorn Gardening, Cleaning Out the Car, Writing about your art, Feeding the fairies, Calling in positivity, Releasing the Past, Testing New Grounds, and let’s just say it: looking pretty guuuuuuud while doing it. So good. You might want to tune into some whale call noises, or turn on a beachy video. The seas are definitely calling your name, and your inner explorer could watch Moana a few times through the eyes of the grandmother, the eyes of Moana, and the eyes of Te Fiti. 

I am a sound rising on the waves of creation. I turn my eyes to the heavens and I’m in the medicine nation. I forgive myself for all my wavering, I know my power lies in my cravings. I can wish upon the starry skies, and watch the birds where e’er they fly. I’m curious to know the names of all the fairies, and their games. I want to know what games I’ll win when I’m laughing with a cheshire grin. I know what gods have sent me here, I know which path I’m meant to clear. And when the waters run to quickly, or the bushes get too prickly - I can lay my spirit down. My minds’a palace, my head a crown. You could call me king or queen, but my magics’still unseen. I’m so much bigger than my titles, or whichever ones I didn’t get. I’ve given all at my recitals, and I’m my own best bet. 

[capricores]

🔥 MARS RETROGRADE GUIDE 🔥

— BASICS/FAQ.

what is a retrograde? a retrograde, put simply, is when a planet appears to be spinning backwards in the sky. during the times of retrograde, the energy of a planet is turned inwards. retrogrades are not usually the best time to try activating the energy of that planet. you may feel blocked, held back, or stressed around the themes relating to that planet. it will be a very internal time for that energy in your chart; wherever said planet is (as well as the planets it strongly aspects), will be pushed into introspective mode by the retrograde planet. consider the word retrograde itself; it is a time to reflect, review, reinvent, repurpose, etc. generally not the best time for starting new things, initiation, and so forth; but it is possible.

what does mars represent? a lot of people make the mistake of just associating mars with sex and lust. and although, sure, it does connect to that; it’s so much more. mars is about our motivation, it’s our energy, our pursuit of our passions and desires, drive, aggression, confrontation styles, self-expression, confidence, etc.

does it affect me differently if my natal mars is retrograde? some people believe retrograde transits affect those with natal retrograde less strongly. personally, i haven’t really noticed that entirely. i have natal saturn retrograde, and i actually usually feel ease when saturn transits retrograde; it’s like my saturn becomes “normal”. however, i have friends with natal retrograde planets who feel no ease during transit retrogrades. so again, i think it’s very dependent on your entire chart and the aspects of the planets currently. even i had quite a difficult time during the last saturn retrograde and did not feel any sort of ease. this time could be slightly easier because you’re used to having mars energy pushed internally, but at the same time, if it strongly aspects your natal mars (especially a conjunction - and even hitting your other planets), it might just makes things even more tense and amplified. but overall, i’d say you’re safe to read the same information on mars retrograde impacts as anyone else.

— GENERAL & WHAT TO EXPECT.

mars in aries does NOT do well in retrograde. i personally imagine those of you that have never felt too affected by a mars retrograde, will absolutely feel this one: and it will hit hard. i’m not saying this as a way to invoke fear: everything will be fine. but the energy of this retrograde is especially heavy, considering all the planets mars is currently harshly aspecting (saturn, pluto to name the standouts). the issue here is, mars & aries are both excited energies. they are bold, brash, reactive; they are initiators. they like to act before thinking. they are full of energy, passion and aggression. the retrograde is about (over)thinking before acting, slowing down, reflecting, turning inwards (mars energy likes to stay outward; noticed; loud), etc. the concept of retrograde opposes everything mars represents; especially when mars is in it’s ruling sign of aries; who greatly reflects mars’ energy.

mars rarely stations retrograde as well; usually every two and a half years (i believe), and it very rarely does so in aries. because most of us aren’t used to this planet stationing retrograde (unlike mercury, who likes to retrograde multiple times a year), it seems to just hit harder. i also want to specifically mention the fact this mars retrograde will be squaring saturn. mars square saturn is a very difficult aspect; i am someone that has this in my natal chart and it’s quite frustrating. saturn is about restriction and caution; mars is more fearlessness and recklessness. right now, it feels like saturn is holding mars’ energy back even more than the retrograde is. it’s not allowing the uninhibited expression of the mars energy. we may feel a lot of blockages in relation to the common themes shared by mars and saturn (especially career, work, pursuit of passion; as well as responsibility, control, power - authority figures, etc).

some general things to expect, regardless of your mars placement:

headaches: unfortunately; this is going to bring a lot of headaches, literal ones (although figurative ones as well). i think general body aches are going to be common due to the fact mars is aspecting so many planets. namely the saturn aspect will probably cause a lot of full body/bones/joint/muscle soreness, and probably a lot of toothaches and similar issues. i can even see abdomen/pelvic pain flaring because the pluto aspect. make sure you’re taking very good care of your health right now and see a doctor when you need to! (i’m not hugely into medical astrology, but i do notice these type of mars and saturn transits personally coinciding with an increase in headaches, toothaches, and overall soreness- for me and friends at least)

passive aggression, irritability, unnecessary hostility, arguments over pointless things, people who tend to bottle finally exploding, high tension

strong lack of energy, motivation, drive: lethargy and exhaustion are common (but again, be careful and see a doctor if these things are extreme)

tension in workplace environments; coworker disagreements, namely issues with management (power struggles)

feeling very blocked in terms of your goals; again especially in regards to work and your passions

you may also feel very blocked in relationships/pursuing relationships

likely an increased sex drive: i think all the tension and energy turning inwards is just pushing some people to maximum overload lol

confusion regarding passions/goals/relationships/etc: because we’re doing so much reflecting on mars themes, you may start doubting your wants/goals/interests/relationships/etc (depends on the transit house/aspects) as you’re thinking about them so much. it’s not inherently bad; reflection is a great thing! just be wary of overthinking. don’t be shocked as new things come to light and you start getting the urge to change paths, methods, etc

realization of mistreatment/acting on such: this is a BIG theme and i think we clearly see it in our world right now. since mars is/will be in harsh aspect to so many other planets representing power, control & authority (saturn & pluto) as well as jupiter who represents expansion, growth & excess; a lot of us are going to start setting boundaries. we’re going to be rethinking the times we’ve been mistreated, taken advantage of, the things we’ve let slide but shouldn’t have, and so forth. we’re especially noticing those abusing excess (jupiter) amounts of power (saturn/pluto/mars) both in our lives and in the world. this is THE time to start making and setting new boundaries; putting your foot down and denying those who don’t deserve your energy any sort of access to you! it may be a bit of a painful time if we’re reflecting on moments of abuse and similar; so take care of yourselves and please stay safe!

if you’re interested in what to expect/predictions based on what house(s) mars is transiting in your chart, as well as what to expect based on your natal planets that square/opposition/conjunct or quincunx mars; i’ll be making a post about such on patreon in a few days (i’ll add the link here when it’s up!). the patreon  post also includes questions to ask yourself based on where mars is transiting for you, to help with your retrograde reflection/healing/journaling/etc! 

if you’re familiar with astrology, just note the house mars is transiting through in your chart right now will show what area of your life is especially inward and lacking motivation. that’s where you’ll especially be needing to reflect on mars-related themes such as power, drive, expression, confidence, etc (same goes for the planets it is aspecting in your natal chart).

— ADVICE.

think hard before acting; don't jump into things without lots of consideration - much like venus retrograde be cautious of starting and ending relationships on impulse (end bad relationships tho pls!!! this is a great time for that!!! i just mean this in a way of like; if your significant other gets on your nerves once in a while and you wanna leave- think it over a few times; and also don’t jump into a relationship with someone you met yesterday)

don't start arguments/confrontations unless absolutely necessary (think: will this fight really benefit me, why am i REALLY upset right now, etc). i think it’s extremely important right now to make sure we aren’t bottling and exploding on people/in situations that don’t deserve it and weren’t the main cause of our frustration

exercise, stretch; do something physical to release energy from your body, if you can! mars is a very physical planet so any sort of movement can help a lot (just again be careful as always)

be gentle on yourself! it's okay if you need more rest during these times, don't be too hard on yourself for hitting roadblocks in goals - take this time to plan, think through what you really want, figure out how you’re gonna go for it and achieve this; then act after the rx or when you have more energy

start setting more boundaries; realize who does and doesn’t deserve to be in your life. realize that self-worth and how amazing you are!

ko-fi for tips 😊

[painted-crow]

hey paint i know primaries burn or explode but is there a word for when your secondary gets real tired? i like my rapid fire actor bird secondary, but lately it’s felt like it’s acting all the way down—like when i dig through all the toolboxes and personas i’ll just come out the other side. it worries me in a mirrorball-by-taylor-swift kinda way (which isn’t really helped by my lion primary haha).

Secondaries burn too, and I think you're on the verge of that--the feeling of exhaustion you describe is a key characteristic. It seems like your masks conflict with your primary; if you're using that tactic a lot lately for one reason or another and it's starting to freak out your Lion, you could end up fully burning your secondary.

(You also mention rapid fire Bird, but it sounds like the Actor Bird masks are more the problem. Usually tools don't feel like something you hide behind. If they do to you... maybe they aren't really your tools, like you didn't get to choose them, and someone pushed them on you? Just a thought.)

Caution: HOT

Assuming that sounds right, you want to avoid burning your secondary, if possible. I'll try to offer some advice, but this is going to be a bit of a shot in the dark, so it's hard to say what will apply to you... otherwise, *offers internet hugs*

A note before we get into this: do what you need to protect yourself. Using masks isn't wrong or bad, but given what you've said, I'm concerned for you--I know how exhausting they are to keep up long term, even if you aren't a Lion. But if it turns out that using Bird masks is what you need to do to survive, don't feel bad about that--keep yourself safe.

Identifying the problem

First, it sounds like you're using your masks more often than usual, and there's probably a reason for that. My guess is that there's something that feels unsafe or unaccepting to you, and since you're noticing this problem now, there's a good chance that it's new.

A new environment, new relationship, new circumstances... something is stressing you out. Toxic work environment at a new job? Friend who isn't really a friend? Situations you can't prepare for easily?

Our friend @magpie-of-a-birb has a brilliant suggestion for figuring this out through Lion primary:

Slow down and break down the situation. Make each aspect as small as possible and essentially hold every aspect up to your lion one at a time. See what pings, see what doesn't, and don't ignore any pings saying something is wrong, and especially not the ones saying you feel unsafe. If anything, investigate them further.

Basically, use your lion consciously. There may be pings that you're missing that would be helpful (like signs that you're uncomfortable with xyz behavior from someone else).

(Slightly edited for pronouns etc, but that's all Magpie. She's super smart you guys.)

Potential fixes

Once you've figured out what's wrong, you have a few general options for dealing with it.

Different tactics. Can you get by with a different Bird tool? Pick up a model of another secondary, maybe try out Badger mirroring instead? (Which, to me, feels more genuine than my Bird masks, and takes less energy.) What happens if you lower the mask a bit, if it's safe to do so? Is there possibly a different mask you could use that feels more like you/is less exhausting?

Change the situation. This might mean setting healthy boundaries, adjusting your schedule, backing off on some of the work you've taken on... you'll have to figure out what this means for you. It might also mean seeing a therapist who can help you through some of this.

Leave. This is a bit of a nuclear option, but sometimes you have to. You can't change a toxic work environment, for example, and you shouldn't undervalue your mental health. Consider continuing to look for work on the quiet.

There's one last option you might be thinking of: trying to get your Lion to be okay with your Bird masks. It might sound like a good idea, but masks aren't a good long-term tactic, specifically because of the amount of energy they require to maintain.

Believe me, I know.

Story time

I keep writing about this next experience in different posts and deleting it because it didn't seem relevant enough, but... I guess this is the time.

I have a "serious/smart/competent/masculine" Bird mask. I developed it in high school, and started using it constantly when I started studying programming in college. I was an anxious, depressive, barely 17-year-old loner girl (usually the only girl in the class) trying not to be rejected by a crowd that's notorious for being exclusionary.

And not without reason. There's a huge elitism problem in tech. I remember trying to lower the mask a few times, and getting pounced on. Not everyone did that, of course, but a handful of my professors did, as did many people I met at networking events. So basically, just the people whose approval I actually needed, career wise.

I had no flipping idea I was using a mask, and not until I left tech, years later, did I realize:

a) that I had the mask in the first place;

b) that I could drop it; or

c) how much energy it had taken to maintain.

Each of those realizations came separately. It took a while. I don't have a problem with any of the traits in the mask, see; each of them is mine to a degree (as with all my masks), but performing them constantly, and loudly enough to work, became too much for me.

Some masks take more energy than others. That one takes a lot, because I am not competitive, or terribly assertive, by nature. I have another mask ("soft/friendly/feminine/optionally shy") that I use in situations where I care more about being liked than respected. I can keep that one going longer, but it gets on my nerves eventually--either because it's not entirely me, or because the way some people treat that mask is really annoying.

It sounds like whatever mask you're using is on the energy-sucking side. There might be an easier one that you can gradually switch into (harder than it sounds, I know), but even then, it's not a great long term solution.

In short: masks are useful for things like making good first impressions or getting out of a bad situation, but not for getting a toxic community to accept you indefinitely. It's a really, really good thing that you're picking up on this now and not later.

(special credits to @magpie-of-a-birb, who discussed this with me and made this post better, in addition to supplying that quote--go follow her if you aren't already!)

[writing-fool]

mlqc | think of you somehow

I recently thought to start incorporating Shaw too. So, here is his debut on my page! I’m currently working on a fantasy!au for Kiro, a harrypotter!au for Victor and a couple of other things. Unfortunately, those will have to wait a little, since I have an entrance exam coming up next week. I have another thing queued up for the day after this, so stay tuned!

Someone in the discord group had to help me for Gavin; I didn’t have too much inspiration for that one...

As always, enjoy!

Love,

R.

Warning(s): profanity, kinda. slight suggestive content

Victor

we all know Victor’s a huge tsundere who never learnt how to express his feelings in a normal way that doesn’t give you a headache.

i swear, why do i love him so much 

he never gets needy, or so he says he sulks when you don’t give him his goodbye kiss after handing over a report at LFG

aaaand he needs a morning kiss before leaving for work anyways Victor doesn’t get needy

you’re his little recharge mechanism though, his little charging pod i’m currently imagining a roomba pfft

even he, a magical, genius CEO, gets exhausted sometimes

it’s not always fun. sure, he’s a total capitalistic tool, but business meetings with old men who think they can earn investments while ‘subtly’ looking down on him for his age aren’t a doozy.

don’t get me wrong, Victor never loses his composure, and due to being an extrovert (he’s not loud, but he’s not a person who gets energy from being alone perse, imo. besides, he’s a good leader, so extrovert seems likely, although he has a lot of introvert traits too.) he’s genuinely good at socialising

doesn’t mean he always likes it.

you often notice when he’s tired 

when he gets home, you’ll usually be there already because your work just ends sooner on most days. he’ll set down his suitcase, hang his coat in the little closet by the door, take his shoes off, and prepare dinner

you’re probably kind of just there, chatting with him about his day while he cooks

he doesn’t allow you to work with knives at home because he’s overprotective you hurt yourself once

you might help a little, or get some work done by the table. Victor also had a piano put in the living area of the open complex penthouse, so you’ll play a tune sometimes. seems like he likes classical the most

Victor’s at-home appearance is a little different from his usual one. he still looks pretty clean and put-together, but he sheds his blazer (and vest) and socks. you two have matching slippers, so Victor wears his grey slippers with little cat faces on them (you have little beige slippers with dog faces on them)

when cooking, Victor rolls up his sleeves or switches to a v-neck sweater (during winter). his hair’s a bit fluffier than it usually is. all in all, a relaxed look.

after dinner, he’ll disappear for a little bit, doing some work before he it gets too late because he wants to spend time with you

usually, you’re lounging on the couch, reading or watching tv unless there’s a deadline then you’re a total mess working until late at night AND VIC HATES IT

he’ll come back into the living room from his home office, come up behind the sofa and just hug you while leaning down

“Hey handsome, you tired?” you ask. You reach your hand up, scratching the soft hairs at the nape of Victor’s neck while a relieved sigh passes through his lips.

Victor moves to the couch with you, and you know he’s Done with work for the day. he doesn’t even say anything, just relishes in your presence

he gets a bit touch-starved on occasions like these, so he’ll sit on the sofa and just pick you up and plop you on his lap. 

but like, in a koala way. that makes very little sense, huh. you’ll be straddling him, pressing your chest up against his and put your chin on his shoulder. your hands are around his neck and his are somewhere around your waist. 

you just sit there, maybe kissing a little, most likely pressing little kisses on each other’s collarbones/neck no hickies because you guys are pretty important people with quite the image well, can’t say it never happened before though, can you~

Victor’s totally in his safe spot here, so if he does say something in this moment, it’s not some guarded/sarcastic comment. he’s vulnerable and honest, so “I love you”s are not rare at all here. 

he might purr if you scratch his head. maaybe. don’t ask whether author Ré sees Victor Li as a cat...

10/10 Victor will carry you to bed like this. brush your teeth before because there’s no way this man is letting you go. 

Lucien

uhh to this day, i don’t think anyone really knows the extent of Lucien’s thoughts

like, in a sense, he’s a lot more guarded than, say, Victor, but they do say the best lies are ones shrouded in truth so the feelings he shows outwardly may actually resemble his actual ones atm

so...i wouldn’t say he gets very needy at all. not according to the standard definition, anyways

if he wants a kiss, he steals one from you. if he wants a hug, he’ll fluster you by backhugging you. if he wants to make out, he’ll push you against the nearest surface and steal your breath away. if he wants something more, he’ll make sure to rile you up until you’re in the mood for ehem. my fingers must’ve slipped...

Lucien’s modus operandi is definitely ‘take what i want when i want it’ in your relationship WITH CONSENT. HE’S NOT AN ASS.

he comes on strong, he’s smooth and he’s devilishly handsome. as a result, he’s often initiating any affection you guys have. 

so, while he’s not necessarily needy, he can’t shake the idea that maybe you don’t want him like he wants you. Lucien get that thought out of your head you two are domestic goals. he was stuck in a period of unrequited love for a while, sort of, so he thinks that he could handle being the one in the relationship that loves the other more. 

but the thought of you not loving him as uncontrollably, frighteningly, irrevocably as he loves you scares him to the very core of his being. because he’s in deep. 

there’s also the factor of him knowing that he doesn’t deserve you after all he’s done. but yet, you’re here with him.

so...Lucien knows it’s childish when he drops his head onto your lap while you’re reading on the couch Lucien: *sees your lap* it’s free real estate

he pretends it’s because he wants to take a nap. but actually he wants to see whether you’re affectionate when he’s not the one instigating it. 

either you’re just too embarrassed to do so when he’s taking initiative, or you’re not all that into him. i wrote about Luci’s love language being touch, so he probably sees you not touching him as a sign that you don’t love him

i’m not saying it’s a dealbreaker if you don’t like physical affection, but it’d take longer for him to open up to someone who’s not comfortable with his touch

anyways, almost immediately after he closes his eyes, you thread your fingers through his soft hair, raking them lightly over his scalp.

“You must be truly tired, falling asleep like this. Poor Lucien.Take care of yourself, my foolish professor.” and his heart shatters in Soft™

slowly, you shift to bend down, and Lucien feels your soft lips kissing his forehead, his nose, his cheek and finally landing on his lips. he smiles in that last one.

it’s not a sensual kiss, just an innocent, loving one. and Luci realises that yeah, you’re just as gone for him as he is for you. Maybe, you’re not the caged butterfly in this relationship...

he actually dozes off to the feeling of your hands in his hair, sometimes moving to gently brush a thumb over his cheek, sometimes pulling away to flip a page in your book. 

when he wakes up, there’s a blanket covering him and a soft pillow under his head

the hazy, irrational part of him makes him jump up, thinking you’ve gone after all. maybe it was all just a dream. one too good to be true.

but the melodic humming in the kitchen and the mugs filled with piping hot tea on the coffee table tell him you’re real, and you’re here with him

afterwards, Lucien naps on your lap more often. they’re his favourite treat

sometimes, you read to him, lulling him to sleep with your voice

honestly, domestic moments like this almost make Lucien want to cry out in joy because he never thought this was something he’d ever have.

well, they did say to treasure the little things in life...

Gavin

i’d say Gav’s a good 6.83 on the needy scale

he could be a 7.91 to be honest, so he has needy potential, but this man’s too shy to be needy

i mean, if you ever kiss him or hold his hand in public, his ears turn red and he’s an incoherent mess for like 10 minutes.

proceed with caution. or not. muahahaha

i think in a way, he grew up with the notion that he was a nuisance too yes, yes, we all want to deck Gavin’s dad in the face so he’s afraid to be vulnerable and needy with you.

MC: *pats Gavin’s hair.* this bad boy can fit so many daddy issues in it

ANYWAYS, the most this baby does is call you when he misses you

“I-I just wanted to hear your voice, okay?”

doesn’t really initiate a ton of affection either. 

again, he could...but he holds back. also he’s just so respectful of your boundaries and would rather have you indicate what you like in the relationship.

honestly he loves it when you snuggle up to him anyways soooooo...

but there are times when even Birdcop completely breaks and just needs you to be there for him

Gav does value communication, so he will actually ask for cuddles if he’s THAT needy such a healthy relationship dynamic

doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does...

you’ll be at home when he comes home from a mission. he’s had a pretty intense day, and now he just wants to unwind with you

this darling sheepishly walks up to you.

and as you turn around to greet him, he’ll ask 

“Can...I hold you?”

you drop EVERYTHING you’re doing because the moment he asks for hugs, it’s serious.

cuddles with Gavin are a 100% engagement kind of thing. you can’t do anything else, you’re stuck in his arms for a while

you guys usually move to the rug in the living room. not the sofa, which seems weird, but Gavin’s a tall gangly boy, measuring at 181 cm or 5′11″ I’m using the imperial system for you guys *grumble*

the sofa is just not big enough to fit his long legs comfortably when he’s laying down, and his neck hurts 

also, it’s not optimal for big bear hugs

Why not use the bed? i hear you ask. BECAUSE IT’S NOT RIGHT.

anyways, on extra effort days, you’ll make a pillow fort, but usually he just takes a pillow, a blanket and flops on the floor

cuddle hours are spent talking. no phones, maybe some music, but all-in-all they’re just times to open up, which is kind of rare for someone so rough around the edges

he turns to absolute putty when you start rubbing his stomach under his shirt this is canon don’t @ me

“Mmm...don’t do that,” he whines groans.

“You seem to be enjoying it, though?”

“Mm...no.” you liar.

honestly in like a realistic, domestic setting, a relationship with Gavin would be one of the healthiest ones within the five boys. 

he cherishes you so much, and definitely tries his best to be open with you, even though he’s experienced things that make trusting others difficult.

because if there’s one person in the whole wide world he would trust, it’d be you. 

Kiro

needy? you mean, Kiro all day, every day?

this boy loves you with all he has and the day he doesn’t show you how loved you are and how much he literally worships the ground you walk on is the day hell freezes over.

kissing, hugging, being cutesy, gifts, matching clothing, fun outings, food. ANYTHING

to be honest, he likes being with you in general, and would probably never leave your side if he didn’t have to

Kiro trusts you enough to share his entire world with you, fully knowing that he’s taking the risk of exposing himself like this. he knows that if this doesn’t work out, he’ll never be able to enjoy his world again because you’re so ingrained in it.

but the thought of not committing to you with his entire being doesn’t even cross his mind obviously, y’all are endgame so don’t even try to break up with this pupper

he tries to make up for your busy schedules with extra affection most of the time too

but actually, Kiro doesn’t just resort to hugging you in his arms, peppering kisses all over your face and not letting you go for hours when he’s lonely although he does do this. it’s just not something he does when he reaaally missed you. 

when he’s having a bad day and needs you the most, he’ll drag you out for some hotpot at night

it sounds silly, doesn’t it? but over a steaming pot of broth with various dishes, he sees your face and he feels at home. i mean, he loves food, he loves you. what’s better than a combination of both?

you laugh, chat and be as loud as you want. Kiro doesn’t have to disguise himself in the little shop at 2 am

the restaurant owner loves you guys, and gives you free beef on many occasions

he thinks you guys remind him of him and his wife when they were younger, although he jokes that Kiro’s a just a tad more handsome than he used to be~

Kiro likes feeding you and loves how you used to be so embarrassed about it. nowadays, you laugh and accept the food like you’re used to it, and somehow, that makes his heart soar

you take the long way home, walking back to your large shared flat under the night sky

Loveland City’s never fully quiet, but at least the people at that time don’t bother him. they’re either too drunk, or too stuck in their own thoughts. let’s face it, people who have their life together don’t wander around sober and alone at 3 am.

Kiro sometimes misses being invisible, but he also knows that he’s doing good by being who he is in this life. being a celebrity is tough, but intimate moments like these do kind of make it bearable

he holds you by the waist, enjoying the view with a serene smile and a full stomach by the view, he means you for the most part

“Hmm...Miss Chips, do you know how beautiful you look right now?”

your lipstick’s worn off, sweat’s cooling down on your face and your makeup’s smudged, but in that moment, Kiro thinks you’re the most ethereal being in the whole universe.

because you’re the only one who he would want to do this with. you’re the only one who would enjoy the night with him, stranded in this strange, thick atmosphere of melancholy and happiness.

one time, maybe a few months ago, it rained when you two exited the hotpot joint

instead of buying umbrellas at a nearby convenience store, you ran down the streets, jumping in puddles and laughing your asses off

Kiro swears he fell in love with you all over again that day.

Shaw

yah...i never really know what to call Shaw’s personality

he’s kind of a tsundere, but not in the way Victor is? he teases the shit out of you when he has feelings for you, but he’s also kind of a douche about it

and he’ll probably never admit how precious you are to him also he probably thinks he doesn’t deserve you

i love this little bastard but i get SO fed up with him

this boy doesn’t even actually take you on proper dates

like, it’s either university café, impromptu graffiti trips which to be honest might be an actual date or going to a club which could be a date but when you’re in a relationship with Shaw it kind of isn’t bcs he’s there 7/7

anyways, he doesn’t do the whole ‘love’ thing very well. he’s fine with PDA, so he’ll full on snog you in the club or reach over the table to lick whipped cream off of your face last time you’re ordering a frappuccino with whipped cream 

but he does it mostly to get a reaction

it’s not insincere, but he also doesn’t view PDA as a loving gesture perse

will not be honest with his words. don’t expect it. he’s built a shield around himself and therefore literally doesn’t know how to talk to someone kindly.

but...he tries.

Shaw’s most vulnerable and needy moment is the early morning

it’s not at night, cos he spends nights out partying or having a one-night stand what? he’s a healthy, viral boy!

his one-night stands never saw him in the morning because he’s honestly the type to hit and run i’m sorry how was i supposed to say this or alternatively to kick his partner out at 4 am

but you’re his first actual love, and even he knows you don’t kick your lover out if you give a damn about the relationship 

it was a big step for him to feel comfortable with you...but he doesn’t regret it one bit he probably won’t tell you that though

anyways, Shaw’s groggy morning voice makes you delirious BUT that’s a little besides the point

you wake up in each other’s arms

if you wake up first, you’ll probably stare at his face for a while until he does and inevitably says “What? Am I that handsome, huh?” secretly thrives off of your compliments 

if he wakes up first, he’ll probably wake you up by tickling you or touching you in some way ehem innocently Minor made me clarify it

any way it happens, you guys participate in some good morning spoonage

Shaw loves burying his head in your neck to press kisses and love bites there, smell your scent and hide the blushing face that is so very rare

finally one thing the brothers have in common

he’s aware he’s being a little too sappy for his own liking, but it feels wrong to ruin the morning mood with a snarky comment when you look so soft under the beams of sunlight flooding his bedroom

so he says nothing, and keeps you wrapped in his arms

in a moment of serene bliss, you hum and say “I love you.” 

as a response, this boy squeezes you a little tighter, buries his head a tad deeper in the crook of your neck

“Shut up.”

you know him well enough to know he’s feeling embarrassed, so you wriggle out of his grasp and turn around

Shaw whines a little when he’s forced to loosen his grasp

you look straight at his face, finding him even cuter when his mischievous smirk is replaced by a pouty scowl

“I love you, I love you, I love you I love you I love you love you loveyouloveyou,” you repeat, watching his face grow redder and redder

he groans audibly. “Shut up!” but he can’t help but smile at your gleeful giggles

“What? I do! I love you so much, Shaw.”

he kisses you to shut you up, but it’s not one of those fast, rough, wild kisses

it’s...tender. 

he cradles you in his arms, trying to convey how he feels through a kiss

“‘Love you,” he mutters against your lips.

“What was that?” you tease him.

“Nothing.”

“Aw, come on! One more time?” 

“Nope.” yup, he tries. 

I’ve been doing a lot of picture editing for all of my posts...but I think these will be the official ‘character separators’ since I don’t have the energy or will to make new ones for every fanfic...post banners are still a thing for every post though.

[joonsdiary]

worth fighting for (06)

pairing: jungkook x reader genre/warnings: a pinch of fluff, a dash of angst / royalty au, historical au / tw: indignant!koo, apologetic!reader, jimin being the supportive bun that he is, if you came for a fun time this chapter probably isn’t? word count: 4,815

summary: fresh out of the perils of war, jungkook didn’t think that his task as the newly appointed general would be to look after you.

                                                                       SIX.

“Congratulations, Y/N. The distance you so crave is finally there.”

You mumble to yourself as you watch Jungkook’s back disappear into the horizon. Had it not been for your sharp tongue, perhaps you would’ve prevented the damage you’ve inflicted upon him. You hadn’t seen his expression as he didn’t bother to face you, but his slackened shoulders are enough to let you know how he feels. Your heart wrenches painfully as you swallow thickly.

Yes, his mistrust towards your capabilities is unwarranted, inflicting your pride. You aren’t some weak helpless princess who needs to wait around and be rescued – you are more than capable of saving your own ass. But that doesn’t give you the authority to overstep your boundary and bring up his dead brother, of all people.

You blink up at the sky, unable to keep the tears pooling from staining your flush cheeks. There’s no use in feeling sorry for yourself now, though. You have to apologize, and somehow make it up to him. An action that’s easier said than done if Jungkook does not brush you off with every attempt.

But he does.

Throughout the rest of the day, you chase him around like a puppy does their master. There’s not much left to do since Jimin gathered firewood when you were busy stomping on Jungkook’s feelings. The tents have also been set up, courtesy of both Miyoung and Jimin. That doesn’t stop Jungkook from coming up with creative ways to dismiss your presence, though.

“I’m going to relieve myself. Will you follow me there, too?” Jungkook deadpans and you wilt away, cheeks flaming with embarrassment.

“No,” you toy with the string of your dress. You look up at him and open your mouth to say the words that are eating you up. You don’t have the chance to, though, because he turns to leave in search of a dense forest area. Your shoulders slump in defeat as you massage your temples.

“Did something happen between you and the general?” Miyoung approaches you with caution. You don’t turn to address her presence, but you nod at her inquisition.

“I was being a dimwit.”

“You can be a bit dense at times,” Miyoung mumbles thoughtfully, and you give her a slanted gaze. She returns the favour with a playful smile. “What is it; you finally confessed, and he rejected you? It was so bad that he wants to avoid you, but you can’t help how your poor heart yearns for him.”

Her statement is like cold water being splashed to your face. “What do you mean finally?”

“I’m not going through the whole spiel about you acting jittery around him again,” she says wryly. “But you’ve been really, really obvious.”

Your face blanches, and Miyoung gives you a puzzling gaze.

He hasn’t noticed though, right?

You push the thought away since what she said hasn’t crossed your mind. You’re bound to someone by agreement, and you have no plans of tearing that for something as meagre as your feelings.

“Judging from your reaction, I’m guessing that’s not what happened?” her brows creased with worry, and you shake your head.

“Would you believe me if I say that I’ve done something more idiotic than that?” you give her a sheepish grin and dive into telling her what happened. Your gaze travels to Jimin, ensuring he doesn’t hear any of what you’re saying. It’s enough that one other person knows of your stupidity. She listens with intent and waits for you to finish.

“…and then he just walked away. I’ve been trying to apologize to him since, and you can guess how that went,” you awkwardly point to the direction Jungkook has gone. She doesn’t say anything for a while, and dread fills your chest. Her silence speaks volumes on her position in this matter; she thinks you’re in the wrong as well.

“I can see where you’re coming from,” she begins slowly, uncharacteristically picking her words as if not to say anything that will disfavour you. “But you didn’t have to bring up the topic of his late brother like that.”

“I know,” you exhale, feeling exasperated. “I know that. I slipped in the most immodest way possible. But he doesn’t want to give me the room to explain.”

“Perhaps you should give him some space. It looks like he needs it if he’s actively avoiding you.”

I know that, too.

You sigh defeatedly. “Maybe you’re right. It seems selfish of me to keep pushing myself where I’m not wanted.”

“He’ll come around,” she offers a reassuring smile, which lifts your mood in the slightest.

But two days pass, yet there’s still no sign of Jungkook’s temper thawing. He rescinded his offer to teach and you agree amicably, opting to listen to Miyoung about taking the diplomatic approach in order to give him the space he needs. It’s not like he had been willing to teach you more either way, so you graciously collect your losses. If avoidance is what he desires, it’s what he’ll get.

Jimin has noticed the surly atmosphere, but he doesn’t dare ask anything. You feel apologetic for placing him in the dark by not saying anything, but you don’t think your ego could handle another moral beating after confiding with Miyoung.

You’ve chosen to stay in the carriage in the instances where you’re not needed, which happens to be most of the time since they still refuse to task you with too much work. You occasionally volunteer with Miyoung but otherwise avoid Jungkook like the plague, and you refuse to eat any meals with them as you hide away in your tent. You delude yourself into thinking that it’s the easiest task you could possibly be assigned but hearing his laughter on the other side of the closed doors prove harder than anything you’ve ever done.

You prepare your heart, nonetheless, telling yourself it’s the punishment you deserve after breaking his.

On the third day post-Jungkook, a soft knock comes at the door of your carriage. You put down your embroidery — a suggestion from Miyoung you’ve gingerly agreed to complete despite how tedious you think it is. Hope blooms in your chest and you eagerly open the door. Perhaps Miyoung talked to Jungkook about your intentions to apologize —

“Your Grace.”

Jimin’s crescent eyes greet you, and you try to hide your disappointment with a stiff smile. He steps aside as you disembark, stretching your limbs that have been bent to one position for hours. The afternoon sun is hidden beneath grey clouds, and you don’t have to squint too much as your gaze sweeps the surroundings.

“General Jeon wants to unrein the horses. It seems like we might camp out for a while. He predicts a storm might be coming and would rather be stationary when that happens.”

You nod as your eyes search for the said general. Your shoulder deflates when you don’t find him.

“I can still stay inside though, right?” you offer a meek smile, hoping he’d say yes.

“Actually…” he trails off as he rubs the back of his neck bashfully. “I’ve noticed you’ve been keeping to yourself a lot and…well…”

He meets your gaze, a grin forming on his lips. “I was wondering if you wanted to go for a horse ride. Help you stave off some of that dark aura surrounding you lately.”

You allow yourself to laugh at his statement, already feeling more at ease than you’ve been the past few days.

“If you insist,” your words are filled with excitement. He offers his elbow and your palm rests on the crook of his hand.

“None of them are Luna, but I promise you they’re just as wild-spirited.” You allow him to guide you to where two horses await, saddled and unbound from the carriage. Approaching the caramel-coloured steed, you hold your palms out and run it along its neck.

“I’ve been so preoccupied these past few weeks to even ask if this was possible,” the horse neighs as you run your fingertips through its thick mane.

It doesn’t take long for you to settle down and once you do, Jimin mounts his horse.

“Thank you for inviting me,” you turn to him with a genuine smile. “And having a horse of your own to ride this time around.”

“I wasn’t going to let the same thing happen where you leave me behind. As powerful as my thighs are, I still don’t stand a chance in catching up to a horse,” his tone is bright as he claps his hand on his thighs for full effect. You laugh at the memory as your grip tightens around the rope.

“Don’t blame me for feeling excited. I’m sorry it got you in trouble though,” you lament, feeling apologetic since you heard he was severely punished by the stable master. You suspect the order came from your father, though, hence his reluctance for you to bring Jimin along. But in a scenario where you had to place your trust in the hands of a few, there’s not an inkling of doubt in your mind that he would be one of them.

“It was nothing I couldn’t handle.” The certainty in Jimin’s tone is enough for you not to press.

The two of you begin at a slow pace, and you welcome the cool breeze of tousling your hair in every direction possible. You bask in your false sense of freedom, your spirits already lifting the slightest.

“I’m sorry, too, for my recent actions,” you begin as vaguely as you possibly can. You’re not sure how much Jimin knows about your situation, but you have been ignoring him too as of late. It doesn’t feel fair, especially because he’s the one making an effort to bridge the gap you’ve built.

“That’s quite alright. Given your circumstance, I understand if you feel closed off at times.”

“Circumstance?” Your brows knit in confusion and you face Jimin. He returns your confusion with a small smile.

“Trekking an unknown path towards the Northern border, where no Southerner has been able to do in three generations since the conflict started. Not only that, but you’ll have to marry their monarch.”

“Oh, that,” your eyes flit back to the small patch of road ahead of you. You’re unsure what Jimin has in mind as a destination, but he promises it’s not a long ride. “The least I could do.”

Jimin dips his chin.

“I know you’re attempting to diminish the responsibility you’ve chosen to bear, but you have a lot to lose, too.”

You shake your head at him, unable to acquiesce with his considerate words.

“Compared to what you went through during the war…” you trail off, unsure of how to continue. The last time you talked to someone about death and loss, they walked away from you. Perhaps you’re not as eloquent as you’d like to think in spite of your status, so you don’t say anything further.

“Forgive me for speaking out of turn, but this isn’t a competition of who suffers the most like you make it sound to be.” His smile is mellow, his voice gentle but not condescending. The kindness in his eyes almost deceives you into falling infatuated with him. “You don’t have to undermine your sacrifice just because you think you’re not losing a limb or getting stabbed with an arrow.”

The sentiment is enough to fill the corner of your eyes with fresh tears. You laugh softly, sounding slightly unhinged. “You make me sound so benevolent.”

“Aren’t you, though?” His lilt is playful, but you shake your head in disagreement.

“Far from it, actually.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, you know. You both.”

You don’t have to ask twice to figure out who he’s talking about. Curiosity is nagging you but you’re unable to find the right words, so you let silence permeate.

“Did he say anything…?” you whisper, and you’re sure Jimin didn’t hear it.

“About you?”

His reply catches you off guard, and you make an effort not to seem overly eager. “No, just… broadly speaking.”

“If you must know,” Jimin pauses and eyes you suggestively. You pull the ropes to halt the movement of the horse. He mimics your actions, and you fall in step with each other, pulling the reins so the animals would follow. His features soften as he looks ahead. “He hasn’t spoken much of anything. Of you.”

“Oh.” You try not to sound distraught, but your voice wavers. “I guess he must still hate me.”

“Do you think he’d still be here if he hates you?”

You blink up at him, and with the most impassive tone you can muster, you answer, “Yes.”

“You’re right,” he says after a short pause. “He’s hard-headed in that way where he’ll see this through to the end, regardless of how he feels.” Jimin chuckles as he shakes his head. You grin up at him. “You’re both stubborn— ”

“— as a mule, I am aware,” you finish for him, and his eyes twinkle in amusement.

“Am I that predictable?” He places his hand on his chest in mock offence. You nod at his inquiry, realizing that you’ve been missing this type of banter.

“Thank you, Jimin.”

His eyes form into crescents, smiling from ear to ear at your appreciation. He stretches his arms out wide. “Now that you owe me…”

“Name your price, Park.”

He throws his head back and barks out a laugh.

“It’s nothing complicated,” he begins once he’s calmed down. “But Miyoung refuses to tell me what went on between you and General Jeon. I know she knows.”

“And you couldn’t have asked Jungkook?”

“The man will snap me in half if I so much as attempt it.”

“You’re being dramatic,” you roll your eyes and bite back a smile. “Also, quite bold of you to assume that I’ll tell you. Is that why you’ve decided to bring me along on this trip with you — butter me up so you can get the answers from me?”

“It was worth the try,” Jimin grins, shrugging. “But really, I’ve brought you here because I think you need to unwind. You’ve been spending a lot of time stacking brick walls around you. Miyoung was starting to worry.”

Your heart swells and your face grows warm, thankful you have the company of the right people. You slowly realize you did yourself a disservice when you decided to close the door on the two people who care about your well-being.

“Now help me help you end this lover’s quarrel so we can move on along,” Jimin’s tone is still light. But you shake your head defiantly, ignoring the pervasive radiance of your cheeks. He pauses his walk, and you do the same.

“It’s not like that at all.”

You close your eyes, steeling your nerves as you let out a shaky breath. Jimin nods in understanding and patiently waits for you as you gather your thoughts.

*  *  *

Jungkook treks through the sparse wooden area. The task has been like clockwork every time you stay somewhere new. He doesn’t want a repeat of what happened weeks ago, so he’s thorough in his search. He wants to make sure no stone is left unturned, metaphorically speaking.

The only difference this time is he didn’t bring his horse along. When he told Jimin to free the horses for the night, the older suggested that he leave his horse to be looked after, as well. He agreed, but now he doesn’t think it was a good idea. Especially since his thighs are throbbing from all the walking he’s done. The weariness is enough for him to call it a day and head back to camp.

Until he hears an inconspicuous laugh. By a man.

His body goes rigid, his brain wires into autopilot as his legs deftly take him to the source. The closer he walks, the clearer it’s becoming that he’s heading towards the carved-out path he’s already gone through hours prior.

“…snap me in half…”

His ears perk up in recognition, eyes thinning into slits as he attempts to form the image of Jimin’s face from a distance. He steps closer but realizes he’s not alone, so he turns his back against a sturdy tree.

Your voice cuts through the air and arrests him on the spot. He still couldn’t make out much of what is being said, and he desperately wants to know.

“No, you don’t,” Jungkook grumbles to himself.

But his feet move closer and he stands behind another tree.

“…brick walls around you. Miyoung was starting to worry.”

Jungkook is beginning to feel like a half-wit. Nothing is stopping him from going up to them as a normal person would. None of this sneaking around horseshit. But he’s unsure what your reaction will be if he does show up all of a sudden. He has been the biggest idiot in the whole country the past few days, so he will not be surprised if you walk away and leave abruptly if he steps out.

“Should I really disturb them?” He mumbles to himself.

He’s surprised that you’re even doing something besides isolating yourself either in your carriage or your tent.

No thanks to you, his subconscious nags.

It isn’t his intention to push you out all the way. He wasn’t feeling bothered by your subsequent attempts to talk to him after he walked out on you as he makes it out to be. But his ultimatum had been the sword fighting lesson; your lack of protest when he revoked it made him think you gave up trying. He didn’t let his surprise be known – he’d been the one who wanted to cancel, anyway. Then so be it.

He’s not surprised when you took it even further and refused to converse or have a meal with anyone. The action feels like an exaggeration to him. He’s the one who lost a brother, after all, not you.

He is caught in a daze for a moment, lulled by the soft timbre of your voice. No discernible word files in his mind — it’s not information he doesn’t already know. He isn’t the least bit surprised that you chose your confidante to be Jimin; as Jungkook has learned himself, Jimin gives quite the advice. The man is practically like a walking library — at times he could be spewing utter nonsense, but more often than not he says the most knowledgeable things only an elder would know.

Yet it seems odd to Jungkook. Yes, you talk to Jimin and are friendly with him. But to be able to confide in a stable boy, of all people, when you are royalty? Technically you can command anybody to talk to you and keep you company, but that’s not the case. It seems to him that it had been Jimin who’s coaxed you into opening up; like how friends would.

Jungkook’s stomach drops. There had been a moment where he genuinely thought of you as a friend, but he needlessly threw it aside by being obtuse.

The next words you utter disarms him.

“...I didn’t mean for him to interpret as if I wish it had been him who died instead.”

A twinge of guilt carves out of Jungkook’s chest as he tries to remember exactly what you said that day. The more fragments of his memory slip through his fingers like coarse sand, the more foolish he feels. He scarcely recalls what you’ve told him verbatim that had him so irate at that moment. He can only remember his reaction to it.

The anger bubbling from the pit of his stomach. The jealousy and hurt coursing through his veins. The regret looming over him as he walks away.

“I shouldn’t be here.”

Stalking around private thoughts that you choose to share with anyone but him, feels all sorts of wrong. He shouldn’t pry, especially after ignoring your attempts at apologizing and pushing you away roughly like a rag doll.

He wills himself to walk away from the conversation. It’s the least he can do.

*  *  *

Speaking to Jimin after refusing to talk to anyone for a few days feels cathartic. You’re thankful that he provides a peaceful aura and being able to let everything out is invigorating.

“How do you know Jungkook’s brother, anyway?” Jimin asks as you descend back to the path you came from.

“Oh,” you blink for a few moments before chuckling. “I guess I haven’t told you. I grew up with them, so to speak. Hoseok taught me everything I know about bows and arrows. We were practically —”

“— attached at the hip,” Jimin cuts you off suddenly. You look at him quizzically, but nod in agreement.

“Are you sure you’re not my soulmate? We practically finish each other’s sentences all the time,” you tease. But his face is unreadable as if he’d gone in a completely different dimension without you. He grows quiet and you let him soak in the information.

“You didn’t grow close with General Jeon, though.” He says slowly, sounding more like a statement than a question. You nod your head, nonetheless.

“He was quieter and more distant back then if you can imagine,” you begin softly. “Although he was quite a pain to deal with at times; who isn’t at seven?”

Jimin laughs, nodding in agreement.

Your memories of Jungkook are sparse, but you’ll never forget the day he challenged you to a game of archery at the height of your lessons with Hoseok. You were eleven and Jungkook would only be around every so often, always getting called by his father for his own training. You shake your head at the thought, still unable to wrap your mind around how a mere thirteen-year-old boy could be shoved into the harsh environment of endless training.

“But he had always been competitive, especially against me. Although he still hasn’t beaten me at archery. Maybe that’s why he dislikes me so much,” your nose wrinkles at the thought.

Jimin scoffs and shakes his head. “On the contrary…”

“Hm?” you look up at him, and Jimin’s eyes widen in panic. He looks away momentarily before clearing his throat.

“What I meant was — you lied, completely! About having beginner’s luck.” Jimin’s cheeks are ruddy when he turns back to you, and you wonder what has him so flustered. “The highwaymen that stop us next time better be on the lookout. We have a master archer in our midst.”

You eyed him suspiciously, but a grin forms on your face all the same. “Flattering could only get you so far, Jimin.”

“I only aim to tell the truth, Your Grace,” his head shakes and you roll your eyes. Jimin hesitates before continuing. “I’m sorry for your loss, albeit belatedly. I’m sure you were devastated to hear about what had happened to him.”

Your mood plunges, but you muster a small smile. “Hoseok was like an older brother I always wanted to have.”  

Jimin’s forehead creases in confusion, but he nods in understanding. You swallow the lump that wedged itself in your throat.

“His presence was always so bright; his ability to bring a smile to everyone is such a gift. That’s why losing him feels like you’ve been robbed of warmth,” your eyes trail forward, but they’re unseeing. Your thoughts flit back to Jungkook; if you are here feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your chest, you can’t begin to imagine what he’s going through.

“You remind me a lot of him,” you beam at Jimin, anxious to shift your mood.

“Sounds like I have a lot to live up to,” Jimin chuckles.

“You have the whole radiant part down. You’re practically bursting with sunlight at the seams.” You squint and pretend to cover your eyes for full effect.  

“Flattering could only get you so far, Your Highness,” his eyes flicker with playfulness, lips unable to hold back a grin.

“I only aim to tell the truth, Jimin.”

His laugh bubbles from his chest as satisfaction fills you to the brim.

*  *  *

“I don’t want to speak out of turn…” Miyoung begins cautiously, but her lips are set in a straight line. “But will you stop pacing, for the love of god?”

Jungkook glowers at her, fists balled as steam billows out of his ear. The frigid wind does nothing to cool down his boiling body, but the grey clouds mirror his current mood. Despite the overcast masking the skies, he knows that the sun is about to set sooner rather than later.

Yet there are no signs of you or Jimin returning from your impromptu trip. He’s been mulling over the decision to leave you for hours, and every second that ticks by weighs heavier on his shoulders.

I knew I shouldn’t have left. He sighs in an attempt to alleviate the tension in his muscles. “They were supposed to be back hours ago.”

“I had no idea. It’s not like you’ve said it about five times in the last ten minutes.” Miyoung says sardonically, but Jungkook knows she’s just as anxious as he is. It’s evident in the way she looks towards the direction where he also came from every minute. “I’m sure they’ll be back at any moment now. I’ll start preparing a meal.”

She turns to leave just as the winds pick up their speed, ruffling Jungkook’s tunic. He nods wordlessly, but at her proclamation of finding something to do, Jungkook resumes his pacing. He’s thought about going to the same spot he saw you and Jimin, but that seems like a terrible idea the more he thinks about it.

One, you’re probably long gone by now and he wouldn’t know where you went next. Two, there’s an off chance that you’ll miss each other, so leaving would be futile and a waste of energy; you’ll be back, he’ll be gone. What a travesty.

“Why did I decide then to have some morals and leave them be?” he groans and dips his head into his palms, slapping himself in the process.

For a man with a calibre such as him, he’s currently lacking in all his areas of expertise. Nothing makes him feel more inept than his inability to care for you, which speaking candidly, is his sole task. Surely, he’s had more daunting responsibilities; one that requires him to think on his feet but at the same time not make haste decisions. So far, he’s done neither and no one is to blame but himself.

He feels the soft patter of the rain on his forearm, followed by the quivering rumble of thunder. Jungkook comes to a halt, his heart being propelled faster than a horse in a race. The light drizzle turns to a torrential downpour within minutes, and he curses the heavens; their timing couldn’t be more perfect.

“General!” Miyoung beckons, which compels Jungkook to run and seek shelter. Encased in the warmth of the tent, he shakes off the remnants of water in his hair as he heaves a deep sigh.

“There’s no reason why I shouldn’t go out there now.”

Miyoung rolls her eyes, and Jungkook gains an inkling as to why you insist on keeping her around out of all your chambermaids. If he didn’t know any better, he might think you two are cut from the same cloth.

“Terrible idea. Do you not hear that?”

As if on cue, the second round of thunder rippled through the silence. The wind howls louder, causing the tarpaulin to tremble with fear. A shiver runs down his spine.

“We don’t really have a choice—”

Jungkook is cut off by the pounding of hoofbeats against the dirt, which is all the consent he needs to bolt out of the safety of the tent. He squints against the rain as one horse approaches. His heart sinks.

“I was closer here than I was to her, so I assumed it would be better—” Jimin slides off the saddle and Jungkook quickly takes the ropes from him, not bothering to take his own ride.

“Where?” his tone is clipped, head swimming with endless thoughts as he awaits Jimin’s reply.

“She said something about dipping her toes in the water, I—” Jungkook’s feet slipped in his first attempt to embark and he cursed under his breath. Calm down, Jeon. His trousers squelch uncomfortably beneath him as he takes a seat, but that might be the least of his worries.

“Stay put in case she comes back.”

He doesn’t need to ask why Jimin had left you in the first place; you had probably forced him to go back on his own. Tugging at the reins slightly, he carefully steers the horse in the right direction. With one command he is off; his lungs burning in his chest as thousands of water droplets pellet his face, blurring his vision.

— previous ; next ; series masterlist

[ollieofthebeholder]

leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall): a TMA fic

Tumblr tag || Also on AO3

Chapter 42: Sasha

Tim’s going to wear a hole in the floor of Rosie’s office if he’s not careful, Sasha thinks, pacing back and forth like this. Rosie watches him with undisguised interest. Martin watches too, his face pinched with concern and arms folded tightly over his chest, although Sasha doesn’t know if he’s more worried about Tim or Jon or both. She probably could Know, with a little effort, but she decides it doesn’t matter right then. She also doesn’t want to pry into her friends’ heads like that.

God, she wants a shower. She feels like she’s covered in some sort of thin, viscous oil, soaking into her skin and making her itch all over. Like just being in proximity to Elias Bouchard makes her dirty.

The worst of it is, he’s not wrong, exactly. Not about her, anyway.

She wonders if he regrets choosing Jon now. He’ll never admit it out loud, of course, but if it’s true that the only reason he chose Jon was because Jon was already marked by the Web, he must be looking at the four of them and wondering if she would have collected more marks faster had she been in charge.

You’re like Gertrude, she thinks idly, staring at the closed door between Rosie’s office and Elias’. She never hesitated to use the people around her, even the ones she cared about, if it served her purpose…

She blinks. Where did that come from?

She turns her attention from the door to Tim, his shoes squeaking on the floor as he turns at the end of his nineteenth cross of the office. Resolutely shutting the Eye out—which is a lot harder than it is anywhere else, and she wonders if that’s because the Head’s office is the locus of its power or just because she’s a little frayed right now—she studies his face and tries to decide if he’s angry or upset or some combination of the two. He definitely looks like he’s close to tears, but she can’t tell if it’s from frustration or from rage…or maybe guilt.

There’s guilt mingled with the worry in Martin’s eyes, too, and Sasha doesn’t need the Beholder to know why. I thought I heard you telling Jon you…smote it. Probably what Martin actually said was Jon Prime smote it and Elias, thankfully, didn’t hear properly or wasn’t paying enough attention. Or he can’t actually hear, per se, he just reads the lips of those around him and pieces it together from there. After all, he has Jonah Magnus’ eyes, not his ears or his tongue.

Still. They’ve got to be more careful.

Tim is passing the door for the twentieth time when it opens and Jon steps out, shutting it behind him with a tad unnecessary force. He looks tired and upset and slightly cranky—in fact, he looks exactly like he did the first few weeks in the Archives, when he was trying to be professional and irritated, or pretending to be irritated, at everything Martin did. Martin and Tim both start towards him, then stop, probably out of deference to Rosie’s presence.

“Let’s go,” he says shortly. “We have work to do.”

The other three fall into step behind him, like something of an honor guard. Fortunately, the only person they encounter on the way down to the Archives is Manal, who offers them a tentative smile as they pass and seems relieved when Martin, at least, automatically returns it. They reach the Archives without a word being spoken and cluster around the assistants’ desks, all of them seemingly at a loss for words.

Tim finally breaks the silence. “Now what?”

Jon looks down at his feet. Sasha thinks he’s embarrassed or ashamed or something until he says softly, “I hate to ask, but could one of you run home and get me some shoes?”

Sasha glances down, startled. She’s not sure how it didn’t occur to her that Jon is barefoot, but he doesn’t even have a pair of socks shielding his feet from the ground. Walking around the Institute is probably only possible because of the diligence of the cleaning crew, but no way will he be able to make it home if Tim didn’t drive today, unless the other two carry him. And his feet must be cold.

Martin and Tim exchange looks. Sasha doesn’t have to be able to read minds to know that neither of them really wants to be away from Jon right now. Rather than force either of them into martyrdom, she says, “If one of you will lend me your keys, I’ll do it.”

The surprise on Tim and Martin’s faces is only equaled by the sheer gratitude on Jon’s, which makes Sasha realize that I hate to ask didn’t mean I hate to impose but rather I don’t want either one of you out of my sight right now. Instead of commenting on it, she just holds out her hand.

Martin recovers first, reaches under his shirt, and pulls out a well-worn lanyard that was probably once a vibrant neon rainbow with a key on the end. He lays it in her hand. “Thanks, Sash.”

“Sure.” Sasha loops the lanyard around her hand and smiles. “Be right back.”

The sun is making a pathetic attempt to come out, but for the most part, it’s the same as it’s been all day. There aren’t many people about, which is probably a good thing, because Sasha uses the opportunity to test the range of her Knowing ability—seeing how far away from someone she can be and still pluck a secret from their minds. It’s extremely invasive, which Martin will probably ream her out for when he finds out, and it’s feeding into the Eye, which Tim will probably ream her out for, and honestly both of them should. But she does it anyway. Partly because she’s hoping that if she does it, she won’t have so much of an urge to read her friends’ minds—it seems ruder to steal from them than from strangers, and she knows that’s not a good sign—but mostly because it keeps her mind off of thinking too hard about Jon’s current state, or what Elias might have said to him when they weren’t there, or the implications of Martin still wearing a single key around his neck the way he probably did when he was a small child left to fend for himself by a father who cared too much and a mother who didn’t care at all.

Despite the fact that she’s still wearing kitten heels and a pencil skirt, she manages to get to the house, retrieve a pair of shoes from Jon’s room, and get back to the Archives in about forty-five minutes. She enters to find Jon sitting on the edge of Martin’s desk, cradling a steaming mug of tea; Tim sits backwards in his chair, arms folded and chin resting on them, while Martin sits more or less normally. They’re talking quietly, but break off and look up when Sasha comes in.

“Hope these are actually yours,” Sasha says, handing Jon the pair of trainers she brought and a pair of socks. “Everything in the closet looked too small for them. And here’s your key back, Martin.”

“Thanks.” Martin slips the lanyard around his neck and tucks it under his sweater again.

“Martin and Tim have just been catching me up on your research for the last two weeks,” Jon tells her, setting down his mug and contorting to put on the socks. “I—I am sorry I wasn’t here.”

“Not like you asked to get kidnapped,” Sasha points out. “And it’s not like you haven’t made sure we know our jobs.”

Jon snorts. “Tell that to Elias. He seems to think you need…guidance.”

Tim’s eyes spark. “He said that, did he?”

Sasha purses her lips in thought for a moment. There’s a lot they need to discuss, but they’ll never be able to be sure, now, that they aren’t being watched. She knows it takes effort for Elias to actually see what’s going on in the Archives, and she’s pretty sure that up until now he’s mostly focused on Jon and ignored the other three, but she doubts that’s the case any longer. Unless they can time their talks with his schedule, to be sure he doesn’t have the attention to spare them…

Curiosity, a desire to experiment, overcomes caution for a minute, and she casts her mind up into the Institute, reaching for that buzzing feeling she gets when there’s a secret to be known. And she aims it at Elias’ office. She doesn’t expect it to work, not really, but—

Ah.

Sasha gasps. Her knees buckle with the sudden rush of energy leaving her, and she catches herself on the edge of the desk. Tim and Martin both jump to their feet, but she waves them off. “Fine. I’m fine.”

She had it. Just for a second, a momentary brush, a quick surface skim, withdrawn hastily before his attention can be caught and focused, but she actually did it. She’s amazed at her own audacity and astonished at her good luck…and aware that, while she still has to be wary of the information she just obtained, there’s a good chance it’s accurate.

“Tunnels?” she suggests, pointing at the trapdoor. They may not have time for a longer discussion.

Thankfully, the boys don’t object or question her. Jon finishes tying his shoes and slides off the desk, and the four of them hasten down the steps to the tunnels. Sasha gets the usual queer, dizzy feeling of being cut off from the Eye—worse than usual, but then, she is pushing the boundaries of her abilities—but it’s a relief for once, because it does at least mean Elias isn’t watching them.

At the foot of the steps, she stops and turns to look back at the others. “Sorry for being so abrupt, but we didn’t have much time. I figured you could get their statement down here without Elias overhearing, and…we can talk.”

“Probably wise,” Jon admits. “Are you okay?”

“Fine. Bit tired.” Sasha isn’t about to admit that she needs Tim and Martin’s statement, probably as much as Jon does. Not yet. “Come on, let’s see if the Primes are awake.”

She leads them to the room the Primes usually stay in and knocks on the door. “It’s us. Are you decent?”

“Come in,” Jon Prime’s voice calls back.

Sasha pushes the door open. They’ve obviously been having breakfast, which Sasha almost feels guilty for interrupting, but it does appear they’re almost done. Jon Prime looks wary. “Is everything all right?”

“Yep. Look what the cat dragged in.” Unable to hold back a grin, Sasha steps into the room and out of the way, exposing Jon.

Jon Prime makes a noise somewhere between surprise and relief. In an instant, he’s up and wrapping Jon in a hug. Jon looks momentarily startled, then hugs him back.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t—I couldn’t See you.” Jon Prime takes a half-step back and studies Jon anxiously. “Are you—never mind, I know how you’ll answer that. How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Jon answers. “On edge. Scared to hell and gone. You know, the usual.” He pauses. “But glad to be back.”

At the sound of Jon’s voice, Martin Prime smiles, looking relieved, and gets to his feet. Jon’s a little more hesitant to accept his hug, to Sasha’s eyes, but he does anyway. “When did you get back?”

“Oh—an hour ago? Hour and a half?” Jon shrugs. “Two at most. Michael—well, not Michael anymore. Michael tried to kill me but couldn’t…I’m sure you know that story.”

“Intimately,” Jon Prime confirms. “So Helen took over, did she?”

“Yes. Brought me back to the Archives.” Jon sighs heavily. “I had maybe five minutes of peace to enjoy being home and—and safe before Elias called us up to his office.”

Martin Prime’s smile melts immediately. “What did he want?”

“To be a smug bastard,” Tim says.

Jon Prime looks from one to the other. “Why don’t you explain?”

“No need.” Sasha leans over and reaches into Jon’s pocket. Before he can do more than flinch, she pulls out her tape recorder and waves it at them with a smirk. “Say hello to my little friend.”

“What—how did you—” Jon stares at it.

“I still had it on hand from lunch. Didn’t end up using it, the guy didn’t have anything helpful, he just wanted an excuse to flirt, so I knew there was nothing on it. I figured if Elias talked to anyone alone, it would be you, so I slipped it in your pocket just before we went in. Just, you know, in case we needed evidence later. Figured if it was important, whatever’s behind these things would switch it on.” Sasha peers through the window at the tape. “Looks like I was right.”

“You, Sasha James, are positively devious.” Tim’s slight frown indicates he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Sasha starts the tape rewinding. “While we wait for this to spool back, Jon, do you want to try and get their statement about Friday? You know, so Elias doesn’t find out about these two?”

Martin Prime tilts his head to one side, then turns and hesitantly reaches out with a foot, kicking something hard and plastic on the floor. “I think that’s a yes.”

Sure enough, a battered tape recorder sits and waits. Jon sighs and nods. “Can’t hurt, I suppose.”

They settle down in a lopsided circle, and Jon Prime slides the tape recorder over so it sits between Jon, Tim, and Martin. Jon takes a deep breath. “Statement of Martin Blackwood and Tim Stoker, Archival assistants at the Magnus Institute, regarding the thing that was not Diana Caxton. Recorded direct from subjects—” He hesitates.

Sasha realizes Jon has probably lost track of time. Softly, Martin says, “Seventh of March, 2017.”

“Statement begins.” Jon takes Martin’s hand on one side and Tim’s on the other. “Whenever you think you’re ready.”

It’s so much more than the bare-bones description they gave her first thing that morning, and Sasha listens intently, her own recorder forgotten. Martin’s remembered fear—for himself, for Tim, for the two students—is an almost tangible thing, like hot liquid running down her throat, filling her. When Tim describes Jon Prime overpowering the Not-Diana, it suddenly gets so much more intense. Her whole body thrums with energy.

It’s intoxicating.

“Statement ends,” Jon says, once Tim falls silent. He squeezes their hands tightly, seemingly without being aware he’s doing it. “God.”

“Yeah,” Martin agrees. “It was—it was a lot.”

“I’m impressed you managed to not tell Elias about any of that when he asked,” Jon mutters.

“Well, I mean, I didn’t lie. Not really. I did have my eyes closed the whole time, so it’s not like I saw any of that.” Martin cocks his head at Tim. “And we didn’t really talk about it over the weekend or anything.”

“I spent most of it passed out,” Tim tells Jon. “All that…it took a lot out of me. We ended up listening to one of the tapes—uh, it was Mr. Skinner’s statement, about the forest in Wales, actually.”

“I suppose it was inevitable,” Jon Prime murmurs. “I am sorry, Tim. I didn’t—I’ve never been around anyone else with Beholding powers, not really, so I had no idea how me using them would affect any of you.”

“It didn’t affect Martin,” Tim points out. “It’s just because mine relies on being able to see the marks and the—I guess it’s the power of the fears, too. There was just so much energy being drawn on, and I was so strung out I couldn’t stop it. Honestly, I don’t normally—we’re cut off from the Eye down here, I didn’t think my abilities would work.”

“I should have warned you that they do. Just…not always as well. They’re a bit easier to control, I suppose.” Jon Prime runs a hand through his hair. “Are you all right now?”

“Yeah,” Tim says softly, but he’s looking at Jon, not at Jon Prime, and Sasha knows with a surety that has nothing to do with the Beholder that he can only say that because Jon’s back. The expression on Martin’s face says the same. He clears his throat and adds, “Like I said, I spent most of the weekend sleeping. We took it easy on Sunday.”

Martin nods. “We were mostly okay today. Little bit of a headache when Helen brought Jon back, but that wasn’t so bad, really. Not…you know, not like actually being in those corridors.”

Jon shudders. “God, that was…”

Martin Prime hums in agreement. “Trust me, not being able to see it doesn’t make it that much better.”

Jon Prime wraps his arm around Martin Prime’s shoulder; Martin Prime responds in kind, and the two lean into each other, as if they know they’re going to need the strength from one another in a moment. “Sasha, has that tape rewound all the way yet?”

Sasha starts. She’s honestly forgotten about it, but glancing down, she sees that all the buttons are popped out. “Oh! Yes, it’s—it’s ready. Are you?”

“As we’ll ever be, I suppose.”

Sasha pushes the PLAY button and slides the recorder to the middle of the circle, and their boss’s smooth, oily voice oozes into the room. As the conversation continues, she watches the Primes’ faces. Jon Prime goes steadily more ashen, while Martin Prime’s goes from red to purple to nearly black. Tim and Martin are largely silent, but when they get to the part none of them were in the office for, all the color drains out of Martin’s face and Tim covers his mouth with his free hand and turns away.

The tape clicks off. There’s a moment of silence before Martin Prime chokes out, “That bastard.”

“God,” Jon Prime whispers. “I never—I didn’t—” He closes his eyes and turns his head, half-burying his face in Martin Prime’s chest. The simple movement seems to drain a lot of the rage out of Martin Prime; the color recedes in a blotchy fashion from his cheeks, and he wraps both arms around Jon Prime, cradling him protectively. It almost makes Sasha smile—Jon Prime is objectively one of the most powerful beings in the world, and Martin Prime still feels like he needs to protect him, or even like he can. Then again, from the way Jon Prime curls into him, it’s pretty clear that Jon Prime feels that way, too. “He never directly threatened any of you. Not to me. I-I don’t think he—when he told me to consider people things to be used, it wasn’t to my face. It never occurred to me that he might have hurt you to get me to comply.”

“Jon, why do you think he dangled me as bait in front of Peter Lukas?” Martin Prime sounds bitter and angry, but he softens when Jon Prime flinches against him. “Of course he knew you cared. It’s why he told you not to bring Tim to the Unknowing, because he knew that would spur both of you into letting Tim go, and he could play on your guilt over whatever happened after. Everything he did, at every turn, was directly targeted at getting you to step up and get marked, because he knew you would do anything to save us.” He sighs heavily. “I just—never expected to hear him say it.”

Tim snorted. “I should have just shot him when I had the chance.”

“No,” Sasha and Jon Prime say in unison, Jon Prime’s head jerking off Martin Prime’s shoulder, eyes wide with fear.

“You believe him, then?” Jon says quietly. “He really is—killing him will kill all of us, too?”

“I still can’t Know that,” Jon Prime admits. “But—it’s not a risk I would want to take. Not until—I mean, we have a plan. It just…needs work. I think. But I’m still not sure if killing him would actually trigger some sort of supernatural dead-man switch.”

Sasha shifts a bit. The urge to keep her secrets is still strong—but Elias’ taunt rings in her ears, and she knows she has to push past that. She can’t be what he expects her to be. What he groomed her to be, in a sense.

“Actually,” she says, “according to my research, it won’t.”

Five heads snap around to look at her in surprise. Martin Prime is the one to finally speak. “What do you mean?”

Sasha smiles mischievously. Now that she’s said the first part, the idea of sharing the rest of it seems…positively gleeful. Because in a way, it’s spilling a secret Jonah Magnus thought could never be known. “I’ve been looking in to the heads of the Institute, you know that. Trying to figure out how he picked his successors, what the criteria were for it, that sort of thing. And the one that bothered me most was Thomas Fitzwalter, the fourth Head. He was only in charge for a few months—he became head of the Institute in September of 1940, then was killed in a bomb attack in March of 1941. It always struck me as odd that the Eye didn’t warn him about the bomb.”

“It can’t really see the future,” Jon Prime says, but he sounds a bit uncertain.

“No, I know that, but then I learned something else interesting. The previous head of the Institute, Virgil Warrington, was found dead in his office, by Fitzwalter, who just sort of assumed the position of Head because nobody else really wanted it at that time.” Sasha runs a finger over the edge of her tape recorder. “It took me a while to find the details. I mean, it was the middle of the Blitz, there was a lot going on, and obviously it was a lot easier to bury details and destroy records back then than it is now. But—well, I actually got Basira and Daisy involved. I didn’t tell them why, obviously, but I’d mentioned to Basira what I was looking into, and it turns out she really likes that sort of stuff. And since she’s not police anymore, I reckon she needed a project, something to focus on to keep from going mad. Anyway, point is, they were able to find a police report that escaped destruction, deliberate or otherwise, and it turns out Warrington didn’t die of heart failure or a stroke or anything. I mean, it was probably what they told people, he was quite elderly, but…”

“But?” Jon prompts.

Sasha’s grin broadens. “He was murdered. Shot, actually. According to the report, it was a Luger P308, which was a primarily German model, so the official unofficial report is that he was probably killed by a fifth column agent. But there was never any evidence, any proof. Even the type of gun used—they didn’t exactly do ballistics reports at the time, they would have just said he was shot with some kind of pistol. The information on the exact model came from Thomas Fitzwalter.”

“So you think—” Tim begins.

“I think he killed Virgil Warrington. Who knows, maybe he was a German spy. Maybe he killed Warrington because the Germans had decided that the knowledge in the Institute was too dangerous to be allowed, or because Fitzwalter figured out that Warrington could read minds, or maybe Warrington tried to blackmail him knowing Fitzwalter was a spy and Fitzwalter killed him to keep him from talking.” Sasha’s mind is racing, and she’s getting more and more excited as she talks. “Or Fitzwalter was exactly who he seemed to be and just got frustrated and angry with Warrington, or the whole situation. It’s probably telling that Thomas Fitzwalter, before he became the Head, was actually an Archival assistant.”

“Which means he was trapped, too,” Martin says, realization dawning in his eyes.

“Mm-hmm. But anyway, my theory is that Fitzwalter killed Warrington, and since he was the only one around, Jonah Magnus’ eyes…somehow got transferred into Fitzwalter’s head. I don’t know how that works.” Sasha looks quizzically at Jon Prime.

“I don’t know, either, and I have no desire to,” Jon Prime says, running a hand over his eyes. “But—that’s actually not a bad theory. And you think that’s why he didn’t last long?”

Sasha nods. “Yes. I think Fitzwalter wasn’t his choice for a successor, Richard Mendelson was, but Fitzwalter was there when he died, so the transfer was automatic. And for whatever reason, he couldn’t just do the transfer from there to Mendelson. Maybe he just wanted it to look natural. Which means he probably did know the bomb was about to hit, and he deliberately held back from going into a shelter.”

Tim looks like he’s about to be sick. “So if I had shot him…”

“He’d have claimed one of us as his new body. Don’t know which. I don’t know if he can direct it with that few people in the room or if it’s just whoever is nearest or what.” Sasha digs her fingernails into her palms to keep herself grounded. Trying to pluck that from their boss’s brain probably won’t work, and it will be far too risky anyway. It might overload her own brain to the point of killing her, and the surge of power might hurt the others, too. But oh, she almost hurts with the desire to try.

“But nobody else would have died.”

“I doubt that,” Martin Prime says. There’s still residual anger in his voice. “If you’re right, then no, he’s not a literal dead-man switch. I’ve kind of had my doubts about that anyway, ever since Jon mentioned that Archival assistants can leave if the Archivist dies. Especially since staff outside the Archives can quit. Nobody is actually bound to the Institute. Most of the staff can come and go as they please, and the Archival assistants are bound to the Archivist, or maybe to the Archives. Doesn’t quite matter, they’re technically the same thing. But killing Elias probably wouldn’t cause a—a mass extinction event or anything. Especially if Fitzwalter murdering Warrington didn’t wipe out the whole Institute staff in one go.” He takes a deep breath. “But you really think Jonah Magnus would have let the rest of you live? Especially if he gets the memories of whichever body he inhabits? You’d all know too much. Plans or no plans, you’d have to die.”

Jon Prime inhales sharply and covers his mouth with one hand. “Oh, God.”

Jon shakes his head firmly. “No. Absolutely not. Not happening. I won’t let it.”

“It won’t,” Martin assures him. His face is paper-white, every freckle and scar in stark relief, but his voice is firm. “Because we’re not going to test this theory, right, Sasha?”

Sasha flinches, but honestly, she’s glad Martin knows her well enough to call her out on it. “I…might need some redirection if I start getting antsy, but no. No testing it. Maybe once he’s dead we can find out for sure.”

“Can you kill him, though?” Tim asks. “Without…you know, getting possessed?”

“I—I think so. It’s—we have to kill Jonah Magnus as well as Elias Bouchard. Or at least Elias Bouchard’s body,” Jon Prime adds, his voice soft and a little ragged. He leans more into Martin Prime, who gathers him somehow even closer and rests his chin on the top of his head. “I don’t know how much of the original Elias is left, if anything. I think destroying his eyes ought to do it.”

“So, what, stab him with a couple screwdrivers through the eyeballs, Jonah Magnus dies and Elias Bouchard is free?” Tim swallows. “I can try that.”

“He won’t let you get close enough to do that,” Jon Prime says. “Even if you all master the ability to hide things from him completely, he’ll never let you within arm’s length. The gun would have been your best bet, but you’d have had to shoot both eyes out instantly.”

Tim shakes his head. “I’m not nearly that good of a shot.”

Jon worries at his lower lip. “I think we need help with that. W-with learning to hide things from him, I mean. We’re trying, and I think we put him off a bit, but…the more we learn, the more I’m worried we’re going to let something slip and the whole thing will be up. I-if he finds out about the two of you…”

“The whole thing goes awry,” Jon Prime completes.

“I’m more worried about what he might do to the two of you. I know you can handle yourself,” Jon adds quickly, “but if he catches you off-guard, you might not have a chance. O-or if he…I don’t know, floods the tunnels with gas or something. I just—I don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”

He says this last bit so softly that it probably wouldn’t be audible at all if the tunnels didn’t echo. From the look he gives Tim and Martin, Sasha is willing to bet that he’s thinking about how he would feel if either of them got hurt because of him, and how much worse it would be for one of the Primes to lose the other now.

For just a moment, Sasha wonders what it’s like to feel that way about someone else. She knows what it’s like to care, of course, she’s fond of Jon and Martin and Tim, and the Primes. She’s beginning to rather like Basira as well. And there’s her Uncle Wade, who was the one constant in her life for years and for whom she’d do just about anything. But the kind of bond the Primes have, or that it’s becoming increasingly clear her boys have, is beyond her. She’s long over the oh my God do people really feel like this attitude she took towards sappy love stories in her secondary-school days, she understands the concept of romance, but she’s also long ago realized that it’s not something she’s ever going to experience herself. And, honestly, she doesn’t feel like she’s missing anything. Usually.

But right now…right now she almost wishes she could experience that. She’s not sure how much of it is clinical curiosity and how much of it is an actual desire for herself. It doesn’t change the fact that she almost wants, just once, to look at someone the way Martin is looking at Jon right now and know what that feels like.

“I’ll do my best,” Jon Prime says, and it actually takes Sasha a second to remember what they’re talking about. “It’s mostly instinct, though, so I can’t make any promises. But I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I can ask. Anything to—” Jon breaks off and tightens his hands around Tim and Martin’s. “Anything we can do.”

“Not right now,” Sasha says, looking around the room. “I don’t think any of you are up for it right now. You all look knackered, especially you, Jon.”

“Yes, but I don’t know if we can risk coming down here again any time soon. He’s going to be watching us for a while, I’m sure.” Jon sighs. “He probably knows we’re down here now.”

“No, we’re safe. He had to take a phone call from Peter Lukas and that had his attention,” Sasha tells him. “If we knew his schedule, we could work around it. I bet it’s all in the computer.”

Martin Prime frowns in Sasha’s direction. “The phone call wouldn’t have been. How did you—Sasha. You didn’t.”

“I just wanted to see if I could,” Sasha says, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks. “I didn’t think it would actually work. I mean, I was sort of practicing on the walk when I went to get Jon’s shoes, to see how far away from someone I had to be in order to get their secrets, and Elias’ office is kind of at the edge of my range, plus there are so many walls in the way—”

“Sasha.” Jon sounds upset, almost scared.

“I know. I shouldn’t have done any of that, but—” Sasha sighs. “It’s like I told Tim and Martin earlier. It’s happening more and more without me trying, and it’s harder and harder for me to stop it.”

“God, was that only today?” Martin murmurs. “Feels like forever ago.”

Martin Prime’s mouth flattens into a thin line, but it’s Jon Prime who speaks. “Trust me when I say that at this point, you can stop it. You just have to want to. It’s an addiction, Sasha, just like any other kind, but that’s only for now. The more you lean into it, the more it will progress beyond that and into an actual, literal need. And when you get to that point, you won’t be able to stop. And it won’t be easy to subsist on what’s…acceptable. I-I have a hard time living on nothing but old statements.”

Sasha squirms a bit guiltily. Jon takes a deep, careful breath. “Sasha, if you promise you’re just going to look in the system—”

“I promise.” Sasha means it, with every fiber of her being.

“Then…okay. I think you’re right. I don’t know that I’m up to much right now.” Jon looks down at his lap. “I got a statement off of Michael before—well, before—and then this on top of it…I’m a bit overwhelmed. And I could use a good night’s sleep.” He sighs heavily. “Besides, we’ve got to try and dig up Gertrude’s notes. Anything she had going about the Unknowing. I-it’s not that…I know we know what you’ve told us, but we have to—”

“No, I understand,” Jon Prime assures him. “You might start with her laptop. It’s hidden in your office. You’ll know where to look, I think.”

Jon looks up, then slowly smiles. “I think I have an idea.” The smile droops slightly, and he adds, “But that can wait for tomorrow. Today, I think we—we call it a day early. Go get a drink or something. After all, what’s Elias going to do—fire us?”

“That sounds good,” Martin says. “Will you two be all right?”

“We’ll be fine. We’ll see what we can unearth that might be helpful for you tonight,” Jon Prime says. “Go. Get some rest. You deserve it.”

“Be careful,” Martin Prime says.

He’s still looking in Sasha’s direction, more than at any of the others. And as she pushes herself up from the floor, Sasha finds that she can’t meet his eyes, even if he can’t see the look in hers. She knows his caution is meant more for her than the others. They’re going to keep each other from falling too far, and they’ll try to help her, but in the end, they’re weaving a safety net and she has a knife up her sleeve. It wouldn’t take much effort for her to surreptitiously cut the fibers and fall through.

About the only thing stopping her right now is the knowledge that, if she does that, they’ll assume they just didn’t weave the net tightly enough and it’s their fault. The trouble is that, deep down, she’s pretty sure that eventually she’ll get to the point where the lure of the pit is stronger than the need to make sure her friends don’t blame themselves. She needs something a little bit stronger than a net to keep her grounded to humanity.

She wonders what Basira is up to right now.

[an-ambivalent]

Uchiha Therapist: Part I

Synopsis: Yandere! Madara x Reader x Yandere! Sasuke 

 [Name] is a struggling post graduate psychology student who has more on her plate than she can handle. Between her practicums to gain work experience and writing reports, to trying to maintain a decent lifestyle and look after her own mental health, there is little to no time left to work an actual paying job. Yet, money is essential for survival. So,  she does the next best thing that has been trending recently to assure a good paycheck; she becomes a sugar baby. The only thing is, [Name] is unaware that she’s become sugar baby of the Madara Uchiha, the notorious CEO of Uchiha Corporation. She is also unaware of the fact that she’s the therapist of his nephew Sasuke Uchiha, who has begun treading over the professional boundary of a patient, and has started developing an abnormal fixation for his therapist since she seems to be the only one who actually understands him.

Warning: Although this story will come to contain yandere themes that can be triggering or uncomfortable to read, there are no yandere themes present  in this chapter. It does have mentions of negative and tiring thoughts that may be triggering. Read at your own risk. This work is purely fictional and any yandere or other toxic behaviours that may be present in the future, know that I do not condone such behaviour. 

Word Count: 4K 

--

Story start; A day in the life of [Name] 

On the night that started it all, when [Name] was feeling particularly disheartened and dissatisfied with her life, she had vented her frustrations and sorrow to her good friend Ino Yamanaka. Although many things in her life were going right, and she was privileged enough to have the chance to pursue her wanted career, it came at a cost. Her entire life schedule was fixed around her post graduation studies, other little spared time was for cooking and doing chores, and the rest was for sleeping. [Name] lacked the time for earning money, and doing things that were higher on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs — dating to find someone to create a meaningful connection with, or working on her previous hobbies. 

The two friends had been consuming enough booze to be a little more than tipsy but not enough to be drunk. Some words were slurred, the fine motor control had decreased a bit, and with their faces slightly flushed, Ino was convinced that she had the best idea to [Name]’s problems. 

Giggling at her own idea, Ino had snatched [Name]’s laptop from in front of them, and tapped various keyboard keys for joogle to search up. Once she saw the results, she clicked on one of the many websites shown as a result, and after a few more minutes of more clicks and keyboard taps, she had turned the laptop towards [Name] to see, with a triumph grin on her face. 

“A sugar daddy,” Ino claimed proudly. 

[Name] raised an eyebrow. “What?” 

“A sugar daddy — it’s the perfect solution for your troubles. Not only will you get to earn more than enough, it covers the dating aspect too! Someone to spend your time with, to sleep over with — just without getting too attached. You’ll have a social life once again that doesn’t consist of you drinking booze with me or our other friends and you can finally afford to look decent again,” Ino explained straightforwardly. 

[Name]’s eye twitched. “What do you mean finally afford to look decent again?” she inquired in a low voice, and glared at Ino, who smiled sheepishly at her. 

“Well you’ve been a fashion disaster for sometime now—“

“Sorry I don’t have rich parents like the rest of you to buy me extravagant brands,” [Name] retorted, and a tick mark of anger bulged on Ino’s head. 

“Well Sakura is a commoner like you too and even when she was a starving student, she still had a fashion sense. You don’t need to buy something expensive like jucci to look decent!” Ino snapped, and [Name] scowled at her. 

“Whatever. This discussion is pointless anyway since I’m not going to become a sugar baby,” [Name] responded, and went to grab a bottle to consume more alcohol.  However, the uneasy and anxious expression that Ino wore made her halt amidst her movements. All of a sudden, a cold shiver ran down [Name]’s back, and she felt a sense of dread building up in her gut. 

“Please tell me you didn’t,” [Name] pleaded and Ino winced inwardly, before she turned the laptop around to show [Name]. 

“I did… I already signed you up. You have a date with him this Friday night.” 

“INO!” 

That was the gist of how [Name] had become entangled in her predicament with Madara Uchiha, and what was meant to be nights for [Name] giving her daddy some casual sugar, turned into an diabetic sugar addiction. 

It was baffling really, how as children, people can be better in following orders than they can be as adults. And for someone like [Name], who had been studying psychology for years now, and began to work with the theories, one would think that practicing what she preached would be easier; she was great at helping her clients, but not much at helping herself. 

“Make sure you don’t go with strangers” — a lesson that had been engraved in children at school and from their parents for their own safety. It was one of the most basic rules of common sense to evade danger; however, it was the rule [Name] failed to follow. Instead of not going through with her fixed date with a sugar daddy, who was a complete stranger and who knows pose what danger, she had gone through with it. And she had not even taken any caution to have their first meeting in a public place, no. She had gone to his home, which was the only place he accepted for their meeting, because she was too anxious to say no or not go through with it. 

She really wondered how she was able to help her clients so well when she could not even manage her own anxiety. 

So, now, here she sat. Since by Ino’s definition, [Name] was a walking fashion disaster, the blonde had refused to let her go without her help. Their tastes differed, but even [Name] had to admit that Ino had done an incredible job in helping her choose an outfit that was suited to her tastes. Granted, it was skimpier than what she usually wore and more figure defining, but it did make her look really nice. She did not look like a savage mess with evident dark eyebags who appeared to have just gotten out of bed and went to work straightaway like she did on a daily basis. But she felt exposed and uncomfortable in the setting she was not accustomed to.

The penthouse she had been invited to was extravagantly luxurious; the small dining for the two of them (her and soon to be her sugar daddy) was right next to the giant window in the living room that showed a beautiful night view of the Konoha city. Lighting in the room was ambient and romantic, and there was a small pizza, that looked ridiculously expensive for what it's worth, and red wine settled before her. While she did not want to indulge in such luxury, feeling on the edge of the seat because of how her sugar daddy to be was scrutinizing her with calculating onyx eyes, and never being the one to refuse free food, she mindlessly ate it, refusing to meet his eyes. 

“You know, usually you’re supposed to make conversation and sell yourself to try and convince me of why I should stick with you rather than someone else,” Madara spoke, and this was so abrupt and unanticipated on [Name]’s part that she froze half way through biting her food. Her cheeks felt hot in embarrassment, and she awkwardly coughed loudly before looking up at Madara. Although he found her antics to be somewhat adorable, he kept a straight face. After all, to gain the attention of a man of his status, there were many who did the strangest things to appease him. Madara was not a man to be tricked so foolishly. 

“Why should I sell myself when you haven’t convinced me to why I should be your….uh, sugar b-baby rather than s-someone else’s?” [Name] responded. She had started off strongly, but near the end when it came to referring to herself as a sugar baby and realisation of the situation sunk in, she felt herself become more flustered. 

Now, it was not odd for people to be intimidated by Madara. However, acting in confidence at the same time, and to question his authority, that was new. The corner of his lips twitched upwards in amusement. He leaned back in his chair and raised a fine black eyebrow at [Name]. 

“And why should I have to sell myself to you? I’m the one who, essentially, is paying for everything,” he challenged, and [Name] scoffed at him. 

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s really costing you,” she mumbled under her breath, before clearing her throat. “Someone else can pay me too.” 

“You had no reviews on your profile, you’re lucky that I even chose to click on it. Usually, it’s hard to get started since no one bothers with anyone with no reviews.” 

[Name] shrugged. “That was your own choice, don’t shift the situation onto me. And besides, how do you know it's only reviews that count online? I might know a lot of other sugar daddies I had in my past that desperately want me but it's lucky that I chose to give you, a stranger, the chance.” 

Madara was amused by the fact that [Name] had used his own logic against him, and could not help but smirk. Even though it was more than obvious through her behaviour that she was an absolute newbie to this, he decided to humour her. 

"Well, I am an Uchiha," Madara said simply, as if that sole reason explained everything. 

[Name] blinked in confusion. "Uhhh, okay…? Well, I'm [Surname]. That explains why you should choose me.” 

This time, her response really did leave Madara confused. His eyebrows were furrowed and there was clear confusion written on his face. 

“You don’t know the Uchiha?” he asked incredulously. The urge to sigh in an exaggerated manner and snap at him was strong, but [Name] decided against it. With the way he spoke in that condescending tone, and expected [Name] to treat him as if he was of utmost importance, made it more than obvious to her that he was used to being treated as the highest authority. Perhaps he was of importance and not watching herself around him could lead her into a huge mess. But [Name] did not particularly care about his status or whatever he had going on that made him expect her to seemingly kiss the floor he walked on. If she cared about authorities and sucking up to people, then she would not be training to be a therapist in the first place. There were going to be times when she would have to fight authorities and regulations with her sweat and blood for the sake of her clients. And really, if [Name] did care, she would not have been here in the first place -- having dinner with a complete stranger. 

“Uh I do?” she said, but it sounded more like a question. Madara opened his mouth to respond to her, but he shifted the focus of the conversation to another topic. He felt even more perplexed by [Name] now because how could she not know the Uchiha? 

“Nevermind, it’s not of importance. Tell me, why are you in this line of business? You don’t seem,” fit for it, he wanted to say, but chose his words carefully. “The type to want to do this.” 

In response, [Name] felt flustered. She wondered if it was really that obvious that she was not used to it and Madara was simply humouring her. She could very well tell him the truth that it was because Ino had tricked her into it. However, that would make her seem gullible. Now that she may be committing to this, she knew she needed to build a good reputation for herself. She decided to tell the half-truth. 

“I need the money,” she answered in a murmur, before she brought the glass of wine to her lips, and took a huge drink from it. 

Madara watched her with analytical eyes as she downed her alcohol, taking no moment to savour the taste. He had also noticed how she was on her third plate of their dinner and wondered if she had any decency and how she was capable of eating so much. 

“Your job doesn’t pay you enough?” he asked in a genuinely concerned tone, before he followed [Name]’s example and downed his remaining wine in one go too. He had never done that before, and after finishing it, he had to admit there was an odd sense of satisfaction of not savouring its every taste and drinking it all together at once. 

Madara was staring at her with anticipation and worry embedded deep in his ebony coloured irides. Frankly speaking, [Name] had not have someone look at her with such concern in a long time. Generally, on the rare occasions she did speak freely about her worries, whoever she shared her problems with would give her their own input rather than simply listening to her and asking her the right questions that would help her discuss or figure out her own problem. The sight of it made her heart beat faster, and she unknowingly found herself talking before she even what she was doing.

“It’s not that… Well, actually I don’t even work. I barely have time to breath, working is my last priority right now,” she murmured, nervously fiddling with her fingers, as she observed Madara from the corner of her eye.

“While I cannot relate to your financial struggles, I understand the situation you’re in. Becoming so busy because of a goal you once had, that you question whether it’s even worth pursuing it anymore. You lose sight of who used to be and the things that brought you pleasure. There’s always something to do that you can’t even remember the last time you truly felt alive,” Madara said thoughtfully, and his words caused [Name]’s eyes to widen. 

“And no matter how much you want to try and change things, it just feels like you’ve been stuck in the same cycle and it keeps repeating over and over and over again,” [Name] murmured, sighing dejectedly. “I really hate the world.” 

Madara chuckled at her declaration as he lifted another bottle of wine that was on their table. 

“Me too. Why don’t we discuss more things we hate about the world and learn about what we in common over more wine?” he suggested. The edge of suspicion and tenseness he held before was no longer present. Instead, he was now feeling much more relaxed than he had in awhile, and felt intrigued about [Name]. The twinkle in his eyes in hopes to talk to her more caused her lips to stretch into a cute flustered smile. 

“Sure.” 

____________________

It was the week which was like the last and there was no change but stress levels felt higher. Even after a decent ten hours sleep, [Name] felt exhaustion crawling like bugs underneath the epidermis layer of her skin. Dark bags were swelled prominently underneath her eyes. Her hair was tied carelessly in a messy bun that fell to one side; it wasn’t pretty like the one’s beauty gurus showed. It was loose but the knot was tight enough to make the weight of the hair feel too evident with each passing moment. Taking a quick sip from her steaming mocha, she greeted the administrators on the front desk that were the first point of contact between clients and the therapists who worked further back in the office. This office was where [Name] was presently working to gain practice experience in her second practicum. Generally, students in training were simply meant to observe and learn. If permission given by their supervisor, they could step in. But in [Name]’s case, for the sake of the story’s plot, the office she had chosen this time were understaffed. And since she already had finished one practicum and had quite a lot of other experiences from volunteering under her belt, she was trusted to work independently with whatever clients may be assigned to her. 

“Good morning Moegi and Konohamaru,” [Name] greeted, and the two looked up from their screens. When they noticed it was [Name], they beamed at her and returned her greeting in response. 

“How was your weekend [Name]?” Konohamaru asked, as he handed her the appointment schedule of everyone she would seeing today. 

[Name] was ready to give her autopilot response of it being "okay" and then quickly shooting a "how about you" like she usually did. However, before those words left her mouth she paused to ponder: truly, how had her weekend been? 

It was okay. Actually, it had been more than okay.

It had surprisingly been a lot of fun. When she had went through with her sugar daddy date, she had somewhat expected that she may end up having sex with a rich man she would not have been attracted to and receive compensation for sleeping with him. But that had not been the case. Madara was quite attractive, and although the dinner date had begun with a few subtle jeers thrown at each other, she had ended up having a good time with him. The fact that she felt safe enough to be vulnerable with him in the way she didn't even feel that level of comfort with her friends, and shared things she hadn't even known she was bottling up - - it was such a profound experience. To go from discussing their hatred for many things, to confessing secrets and feelings they weren't judged for, but rather, listened to, to getting so drunk that they sang cheesy songs and ended the date with their own unplanned karaoke night, it left an odd feeling of satisfaction and joy in [Name]'s chest that she had not felt in a while. The knowledge of knowing that she would be seeing Madara again soon left her feeling embarrassed. 

"It was," she began, and she covered her face with one hand to hide her embarrassment. "Really nice and fun. I had a good time," she murmured somewhat quietly. Then, right away, she scurried off towards her office before they could question her further or talk about their own weekends.

[Name] had left Moegi and Konohamaru surprised with her response, and the two turned to each other wondering if they had heard right. 

It was after lunch when [Name] was indulging in some [favourite fruit] iced tea, hoping some sugar would help her stay awake when she had an appointment with a client she would be seeing for the first time. She had settled her drink on the table beside her, walked through the hallway, and into the main office with reception and waiting area for clients. 

It was there she saw a young man not much older than herself. He had warm ivory skin and black hair bangs that framed his face. The back of his head looked like a duck’s butt. He must have heard her footsteps because before she even called out his name, he had looked up. When her eyes met his, she took a sharp intake of breath because he looked oddly similar to Madara. The way his obsidian eyes scrutinised her made her feel uneasy. Nonetheless, she gave him, what she hoped appeared to be a welcoming and reassuring smile. 

“You are Sasuke?” she assumed, and he stood up. 

“Hn,” Sasuke responded simply, and at the lack of any greeting or even a facial expression caused [Name] to sweatdrop. But nonetheless, she carried on like she did with all of her patients. 

“Before we start your session, did you want anything? A hot chocolate, coffee, water?” 

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at this before he replied nonchalantly. “A black coffee.” 

[Name] nodded and just before she could speak once more, a head of messy black curls invaded her vision and she was greeted with a smile that was almost too falsely cheerie for her taste. 

“Hello! I’m Shisui, Sasuke’s cousin. And stoic face over there is Itachi, Sasuke’s brother. You forgot about us Miss. Therapist,” Shisui greeted brightly. At his exuberant persona, Sasuke glared at him. The one who he had introduced as Itachi, sighed, and [Name] looked at them apologetically. 

“Oh sorry, I didn’t notice you. Can I get anything for you as well? If you’ve been with Sasuke until this point, I can assume you’ll be staying with him.” 

Itachi nodded and stepped up front and held out his hand for [Name] to shake, which she obliged to almost instantly. 

“Yes. We are here to oversee my little brother’s recovery at my Father’s orders and make sure there is progress,” he explained simply. His words were harsh. It was evident in the way Shisui had become tight lipped, and how Sasuke had now averted his glare onto Itachi. [Name]’s eyes shifted to observe their reaction and then returned to Itachi who was looking at her stoically. It wasn’t too obvious. However, she noticed with the way Itachi’s jaw was clenched more tightly than it had been before. This change in his body language clearly indicated that he had not wanted to say what he did and he did not want to be here. And from the intense glare Sasuke regarded him with, [Name] safely assumed that whatever was going on with Sasuke, Itachi seemed to be a part of it. Underneath Itachi’s pretty eyes, she noticed a sense of tiredness that was all — physical, mental, emotional and more. She saw that same sense of exhaustion on her own face each day. 

The session had not even started and this was already turning out to become so complicated. [Name] hoped she would still have her sanity by the time she graduated and came to do this full-time. There were some of her colleagues who never bothered with rules or following basic procedures to assure their clients comfort and wellbeing. Lucky for her clients, she did. And when she needed to, she would bend over backwards and willingly go beyond her capabilities for them. 

She knew from the way they all held themselves, and particularly with how Itachi had spoken that they were of important status. Their ‘father asked [them] to be here’ was a subtle way of implying that she could get in huge trouble if she did not comply with them. But [Name] just didn’t care. 

She turned to Sasuke with a stern look on her face and motioned towards Shisui and Itachi. 

“Do you want them there to support you or would you feel more comfortable with just you? Either way is fine. It’s your decision,” [Name] said smiling at him. 

The three raven-haired males that had been introducing themselves moments ago stilled and their eyes widened in shock. Shisui was the first one to snap out of it. 

“Uh, Miss. Therapist, I don’t think you know—“ 

“I know what I’m doing. Please refrain from implying such things and let my client decide for himself,” she retorted, narrowing her eyes. Shisui went to warn once more, but he was stopped by Itachi, who shook his head. 

Itachi’s gaze went to Sasuke, and then back to [Name] as he spoke. 

“I’m sure she knows what she is doing. We all wish for Sasuke’s wellbeing. We won’t intrude if he doesn’t want us to,” he proclaimed. That was his way of hinting for Shisui to drop the subject, and reassuring both Sasuke and [Name] that he was on their side, particularly with Sasuke, letting him know that he would not let their father find this out. 

“Aniki,” Sasuke murmured in disbelief, staring at his brother for a few moments. Then, he looked back at [Name] to see she was still giving him the same sweet and gentle smile she had greeted him with. 

Maybe, perhaps, this time, signing up for therapy would be worth it. Maybe he could allow himself to talk to her and not fear judgement and consequences like he had with his previous therapists. 

“I’d like it to be by myself,” he murmured, looking away from her with slight pink cheeks. As his eyes had drifted away from hers and met Shisui’s, who gave him a warning look, his shoulders tensed and his eyes snapped back to [Name] right away. “P-Please and t-thank you.” 

He did not need to glance at Shisui again to know the oldest male was now grinning at him. 

Seemingly, his politeness seemed to be unexpected and Sasuke wanted to scoff at how [Name]’s eyes had lit up in pride. It almost annoyed him because did they really think he was that dimwitted? 

“You’re welcome. Now, follow me please. Shisui and Itachi, our session will be around an hour so you can come to pick him up in that time,” [Name] said. The two of them nodded and waved the two goodbye as Sasuke followed after [Name] to her office. 

-------

A/N:  (tbh, uhhh, I plan for this to be a yandere story [whispers: eventually] but this chapter is fluffy. I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this or if I’ll add more Uchihas as love interests and turn into a reverse harem for [Name], I’m gonna make shit up as I go along and hope it turns into something decent lol gang gang. I just need to write a story I can write without worries and just enjoy the process of it rather than caring about where it leads. So yeet. I hope you join me on this journey <3)

[self-ships-ahoy]

The Power of Words

Summary: Technician voices more active support in Medic’s latest experiment idea, and she gets a surprise in return.

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,123

Warnings: None

A/N: I tried really hard not to make this ooc for him (though let’s be honest, the self ship community is really lenient on that - a fact which I’m thankful for), and I rewrote a lot of his responses to make things flow naturally. On the other hand, I do think he suffers from occasional mood swings and sets too-high standards for himself, which leads to periods of stress and self doubt. Very rare, but it happens. --Look, the real takeaway is our mutual support and love, and how we bring out the best in each other.

....Also this is my first fic with us posted, so pls be kind. 👉👈

~💖~

"...I think you should do it." 

Technician's words snapped her boyfriend back to attention. After musing and mulling and worrying over this new project idea, on top of the surmounting stress from his seemingly thankless job, even a man as confident as Medic was beginning to doubt himself. It was a feeling so foreign to him, it threatened to halt all his work. Intellectually, he knew he could tackle this feat. All the previous broken boundaries of science and nature proved that. But this...surpassing respawn and unlocking it's delicate and somewhat mysterious mechanisms, using its secrets in one of his inventions...would he even have the time to achieve this while it still mattered? Would his psyche withstand the pressure such a project would bring? The man had experienced enough nervous breakdowns in his life (unfortunately, one while Technician was on base), he didn't want another so soon.

But then, from the mouth of the most important person in his life, one whom he was sure would air on the side of caution, and against outlandish experiments, came the words of approval. Mary always listened to his ideas, though the discomfort, and sometimes disapproval, was often written on her face. Too kind to say anything, she would refrain from speaking up unless the experiment in question was 'crossing a line'. This was starting to happen a lot less often, and only partly because his experiments had actually gotten tamer in the months he had known her, and he began learning to curb his impulses; Mary herself had also become more accustomed to Medic's line of work, and tried to be more open minded about what she saw as too disgusting to think about. Hearing her voice her support was a very good sign, indeed.

"You...you mean it?" the doctor asked, making sure he wasn't hallucinating, "You think I should try?"

Technician was trying not to think about the process it would take to accomplish such a feat, but the whole reason this idea wouldn't leave her love's mind was so his team - his friends - would stay safe and avoid death, should he come a moment too late. (That, and it would be another boundary to push, and he so loved a challenge.) For a man who frequently resembled the mad scientists of the silver screen, this was rather...heroic of Medic to do, in his own eccentric way. "I do," she answered him with a smile, "and I know you'll succeed. I'll be here to support you the whole way." Technician gave the other's hand a small squeeze. "The only reason you should wait is if you need to be in a better place mentally, and that's totally okay."

This surprised him even more to hear. "You'll help me see it through? Even the medical procedures?"

"Well, if you need me there, yeah, of course. I could sit in the room and look away, or talk to you through the radio or something. If that's what you need to get this done..." Technician paused, seeing that the look on Medic's face was still unchanged. "Hey, don't be so surprised! You've gone out of your comfort zone for me before. I want to do the same for you."

"When did I do that?”

"A few times, actually. Remember when I had that medical scare and had to get all those tests? I know I made things difficult, but you still tried to comfort me, even though you didn't understand my fear."

"Oh, well, that's because I love you." 

He had dismissed the fact so nonchalantly that the doctor hadn't even realized what he had said until the words slipped out of his mouth. Heart stopping, smile falling, he looked like he accidentally spoiled her birthday present. This was not how he wanted to tell her.

While Medic tried to gather himself (and prepare to back-pedal on that if necessary), Technician brought her free hand to her chest, right where the pendant of her necklace rested. With her mouth agape, she tried to catch her breath from such a revelation. "...You love me?" she asked, voice quiet. Unlike Medic, she knew she wasn't hearing things...but she just had to be sure she interpreted it right.

Well, there was no going back now. And from the sound of things, Mary seemed somewhat...hopeful, to hear that. His sigh turned into nervous laughter as he began to explain himself, "Hahah...umm...yes, I do. For...quite a while now, actually. I was going to tell you soon, but, ah...things got a little crazy, hahahah--" A flush of red had spread across his face as he waited anxiously for his love's response.

Mary had to break eye contact as she processed the overwhelming flood of ecstasy in her heart. It was a burning she hadn't felt since she had first fallen for him. Slowly, as her heart surged with the pangs of love, a huge smile broke on her face. Medic hung on her every word for signs of reciprocation as she finally spoke, meeting his eyes again, "I...oh my gosh... I love you, too, Ludiwg. I love you so much--"

His smile had returned just as Technician moved in to hug him. Not a moment was wasted before he returned the embrace. It was a great distraction from his upcoming project, yet it also became a motivator for him, once he remembered his work again. After their hug, and one very nice kiss, the two scientists finally parted again. 

Enveloping her hands in his own, Medic returned to the original subject of their conversation. "You're right, Schatz. In the name of science, I must push forward." He stopped in his tracks as an idea struck him. "You should assist me!"

"Me?? What can I do?"

"Oh, I'm sure there's much that you can do for me. We'll make such an amazing team! What do you say, hm?"

Although Medic was miles ahead of Technician on terms of medical science, she did have a small and dormant background in biology, and her expertise in computer science could help them when it came to respawn's internal mechanisms. Add that to the doctor's eagerness over the proposal, as he held her hands and grinned at her... She just couldn't refuse. "Okay. Let's do it," she answered, moving one of her enclosed hands to hold his.

It didn't seem possible, but his smile grew even larger at Technician's answer. The strong faith she had in him, the encouragement she gave, the love she reciprocated, and her agreement to actively assist him in this project all culminated to restore his confidence to its highest level. He could face any stress or obstacle that was thrown at him, as long as his love was by his side.