#but maybe the date helped a little too
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So… I had a random thought today while looking at some fanart.
In comics, it’s generally agreed that Jason Todd died on April 27. He came back to life approximately 6 months later. That would put it in late October.
We can make an argument he was resurrected on Halloween. You know, the day that the veil between life and death is the thinnest per folklore?
I’ll just leave you guys with that thought
#jason todd#dc comics#batman#red hood#we don’t know the exact date#at least to my knowledge so it works#I’m well aware that traditionally he came back because Superboy prime punched the source wall#but maybe the date helped a little too
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Okay but Tommy drops out of high school — he told his father he was gay and he told him he could either be homeless or go to military school. He goes to military school and joins the army and he likes flying the helicopters because it means he doesn’t have to do any of the killing himself. And he makes some friends.
There's one guy who's like the squad leader who's a few years old and built like a Greek god and Tommy's young and a little bit in love. And they're friends maybe even family because this whole group of people spend every waking (and sleeping) moment together. And they all talk like a family and they all say they love each other and tease each other and it's nice. And one night it's just the two of them trading a flask of some sort of alcohol that Tommy doesn't know the name of and the man asks Tommy why he joined the army and where he wants to be in five years and Tommy trusts this man. He's half way in love with him so he doesn't even think twice before he tells the story about the time he came out to his family and his father nearly beat him to death before sending him here. And the conversation tapers off after that and he doesn’t register the change in the air but when he wakes up the next morning he’s being dishonourably discharged because he poses “unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability”. He knows what that means.
Tommy joins the fire department because he doesn’t know what else to do. He represses anything regarding his sexuality because he knows now that it’s wrong. He almost feels like he has a family again because his captain seems to like him and some of the guys are cool even if they say things he doesn’t agree with. And then he starts agreeing because maybe they’re right and he’s wrong and he’s just inherently wrong. So he follows their leads and is just straight racist because that’s how he can fit in.
And then a black lesbian woman joins and says she’s a black lesbian woman and Tommy doesn’t understand that either because you can’t be queer you just can’t be because it’s wrong.
But he nearly dies and and an Asian man saves his life and a black lesbian woman comes up with a better idea than any of them had and she tells them she’s no different and she is just as capable. So he improves himself he does and he tries to be better but he still can’t be who he is because the last 2 times he was honest about that he was betrayed.
Tommy leaves the 118 and “don’t ask, don’t tell” is lifted and he meets this guy he likes who likes him back and the 217 don’t seem to have a problem with the gender neutral pronouns and he slowly but surely lets himself open up again and be who he is and when the thing with that guy doesn’t work out because he’s moving to New York and Tommy’s not sure he’s ready to leave, it’s okay because his crew is there and they support him and he can still be himself.
#years later he flies a helicopter into a hurricane for the same people who stopped him from going too deep#into something he didn’t even believe in#and there’s this guy with a birthmark above his left eye and the widest smile there is#and he’s saying absolute nonsense and Tommy can’t help but smile#and there’s this other man too also gorgeous but not his type#who has all the same interests as him and he thinks if anything he’s made a new friend#and then the cute dorky guy calls the next day stumbling over his words saying his name is evan - from the rescue mission#and he asks for a tour of the 217 and Tommy agrees because how could he say no#and then he’s asking to go out but he already has plans but rain check? because there’s something about this guy that maybe…#and Tommy thinks that’s it but then evan turns up everywhere#and then things get a bit funny and Tommy feels like it’s his fault and he has to apologise#so he goes to Evan’s house not expecting anything just to say sorry#and Evans there looking absolutely amazing as always and he’s saying things that Tommy can’t help but read into#and he’s getting closer and closer and Tommy can’t help it#he kisses him and keeps his eyes shut just a moment longer just in case#he doesn’t want to open his eyes and see a disgusted look across Evan’s face so he stays closed just a little longer#but evan just looks like his brain has restarted and he’s nodding and joking when Tommy asks if that was okay#and they’re going on a date#and it hurts when evan says those worlds because tommy has spent long enough in a closet being someone he’s not and hurting people#and he can’t go back there he just can’t and he doesn’t want to be the one to force evan into anything so he leaves#and then he gets a call a stuttered invitation to meet at a cafe and of course Tommy says yes#he doesn’t know what he expects but it’s not this#Evans beaming at him with the brightest smile asking him to be his date to his sisters wedding#how can he say no when he looks like that (as long as he never buys coffee again)#and evan holds his hand even though everyone is around and ok that’s good#he’s late to the wedding and practically dead on his feet but he said he’d be there so he comes and the moment evan sees him#hes kissing him and he’s ok that’s great he could get used to this#bucktommy#911 abc#tommy kinard
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snap's uber cringe vampire cherik rambling !!!!!! read at your own risk of charles/erik origins But If They Were Vampires and more !!!!
very simple makeshift vampire age map for the sake of understanding this vague timeline i have (hint: just multiply by ten) this is all subject to change because time is mean and im indecisive
infancy - 0 - 40
childhood - 50 - 120 years
adolescence - 130 - 170 years
emerging adulthood - 180 - 240 years
older adulthood - +250 years
elderly - +700 years
about dhampirs: they're not immortal like vampires, they just have a (much) longer life expectancy than humans (they really are just like 'weaker' vampires in this, only possessing half of their strengths and weaknesses)
'what's our time period' EXCELLENT question brother.
jk i think the main events will be set victorian-edwardian period (1850's-1910's) but charles and erik are at least a couple centuries old- probably born amidst the late 1500's (1580's-90's more specifically), maybe meet during the 1800's
charles' profile
charles heralds from a wealthy vampire family whos had their influence in england for centuries (maybe established roots during the 5th century), the general public none the wiser to their vampirism. at most there's rumors, but the family's charismatic enough to keep the murmurs at bay
brian is like. a little less evil to charles in this timeline. most of their time together being brian teaching charles how to run the family's business and whatever else vampires do to balance the life of a vampire and a human. at most, brian emotionally neglects charles as he stays vigilant in ensuring the xavier family can prosper for centuries. sharon xavier would be the one to instill all that is good and human in charles despite her own vampirism (most likely turned by brian before they had charles)
brian xavier is murdered by human kurt marko once the latter figures out his vampirism right before europe's widespread vampire hysteria (so maybe late 1600's)- not for any heroic purposes but so he can steal the xavier family's wealth of course.
he holds the xavier's vampiric origins over them until his eventual death (maybe early 1700's).
considering the idea charles' accidentally summons a pack of wolves to the house during a heated moment and they tear him apart- maybe kurt tries to protect cain and charles idk. charles wouldn't realize he caused this until much later while learning about his vampirism, BUT im still chewing on this so don't take this as 100% canon to this au.....
kurt never discloses the true nature of the xaviers to cain while he's alive, but as the boys grow older cain figures it out for himself and decides to dedicate his life to hunting down charles- how much of it is to rid the world of one less vampire or to vent the unhappiness he experienced growing up in the xavier household onto his brother is unclear
while kurt was alive, he experiments on charles in an attempt to understand his vampirism in an attempt to achieve eternal life without the drawbacks of vampirism. but i mean how good can your science be: evidently he fails vjELKJALKJ
as an adult, charles is curious about his own vampirism as he attempts to live amongst humans and perhaps help them (maybe not give them eternal life but at least how to extend life). he doesn't seek to 'cure' himself, only figure out how his biology works to live comfortably and safely: after all, there must be a reason as to why he was born this way, he reasons
he pursues a life of medicine to do this and along the way meets moira mctaggart (around late 1700's/early-1800's), a scientist working closely with the occult and isolated from general society. after some time, he reveals he's a vampire to her and they effectively become partners to further understand vampirism (but not romantic partners)
most of their work concerns why vampires 'need blood' and how to find a suitable substitute ('surely it's not blood itself that satiates vampires but a property within it?'), but they also look to find out why vampires can be weak in the sunlight and why they appear immortal (aka: they're purely scientific in their approach to the vampire phenomena instead of thinking it's magical, charles reasoning that vampires are just humans with a type of evolved biology. time will tell if he's right or wrong in this approach, and brother he has plenty of time)
erik's/max's profile
compared to the house of xavier, the house of eisenhardt- while not as wealthy- still maintained some sort of reputation in east prussia. however, the news of their vampirism easier leaks amidst the mid-1700's heightened paranoia of vampires (probably a domino affect of the rumor of Renowned Xaiver Family being one of vampires expanding after kurt's death), and he finds himself to be the only survivor amidst the violence against his family
fleeing further east and with the benefit of his youthful visage despite his real years, max has no problem using his intelligence and experience to find work to support himself and manages life alone until he eventually meets magda (maybe around the same time charles meets moira, 1790's). with her being human, it isn't long until she and max introduce little dhampir anya into the world
he tells magda of his vampiric origins (after all, if they were going to have a baby it'd prob be best to let her know the baby's gonna be part vampire right..), but whether it's disbelief or not fully grasping the implications of such, magda accepts and loves him. max vows never to feed off his wife, mostly feeding off hunted animals to satisfy himself
for a while, max was content to live in relative solitude with his family: he wouldn't bother the humans, and in turn they shouldn't bother him. but soon enough (talking Ten Years Later soon enough), the true nature of max and his family is uncovered in the quaint town they lived in, and history threatens to repeat itself as a growing mob attempts to torch their home. they can't succeed before max makes a bloody example of the mob- a display that frightens magda and has her flee with anya in her arms. that would be the last time max sees his wife and child. he effectively repurposes the site of where he lost his family as a quaint memorial to them and the grounds remain relatively untouched bar his annual visits (the common people more often rumoring it to be cursed as a result)
max would change his name to 'erik lehnsherr' as a way to bury his past and move on with his new, less-human-sympathetic life. uttering his real name weakens his power if not strips them away for some time entirely, so he's greatly secretive to who he tells it to (spoilers: he never tells anyone). he spends most of his time alone in his castle, going out at night to feed off late-night wanderers in nearby cities
as for wanda and pietro, debating on exactly what to do with them and if they're blood related to erik or not. considering having pietro be a dhampir that maintained his superspeed while wanda's still just a witch. not sure what to do about lorna either. at the very least, if they do live with erik, he's greatly protective and overbearing about them (a possible blend of keeping them close to use their might against humans, and not wanting to lose any more of his family)
The Part People Are Here For charles and erik interacting
How Do They Meet wow great questions today !!!
around 1810's, probably during one of erik's Feeding Nights he bumps into charles and attempts to make dinner of him, charles at this point passing far too easily as a regular human. the ensuing encounter/fight eventually leads to charles having to reveal himself also to be a vampire (probably as a result of having to resort to using telepathy to keep erik at bay and thereafter explaining himself)
despite the rocky start, neither can hide the fact they're ecstatic about meeting another vampire and become fast friends. Yknow. After overlooking the Sorry I Tried To Eat You part
so now charles spends his mornings with moira and his humanly duties and at night he sometimes spends time at erik's abode and with his children (if i decide they live with him of course).
moira can't ignore the way charles lights up when talking about erik (and how could she: even if he was candid with her about his experiences, it was an entirely different feeling talking to another vampire who already understood- and perhaps understood better). as such, she doesn't let charles forget erik could potentially be a danger- something charles can't forget if he wanted to (see again: them meeting the first time. still, he chooses to believe in the better parts of erik)
of course charles tries to dissuade erik from seeing humans as purely food or menaces and encourages him to work alongside himself to find more 'ethical' ways to be a vampire, but of course erik is resistant to the idea and at times admonishes charles for his thinking.
Everyone's Favorite Part: The Divorce
for a while- maybe five years- erik isn't aware of moira's existence. but on a night charles neglects to visit him he spots the pair walking to moira's home. following them, he's quick to discover moira's lab and realizes charles has been cooperating with a human this whole time (how much had he told her about erik? how much of their weaknesses did he expose to her? why wouldn't he tell erik about moira sooner if she wouldn't be an issue?)
enraged, erik doesn't wait for an explanation as he barges into the small shack and barks accusations of betrayal at charles. it only gets worse when moira is puzzled that charles didn't tell erik about her when he was more than happy to tell her about erik, only reaffirming erik's suspicions charles was attempting to doom vampires as a whole
what happens next im still up in the air about, but it'll be how charles loses the use of his legs in this universe
scenario a is while erik and charles brawl in moira's shack, she hurls holy water onto erik and disfigures his face. while he's down, she attempts to throw more holy water on him to at least give her and charles more time to escape only for charles to shield him at the final moment. while he's mostly unharmed, his legs get burnt as he pushes erik out of the way and finds he isn't able to regenerate the damaged limbs
scenario b is moira still gets erik with the holy water, however charles drags them out of the shack and tries to break for the nearest town. unfortunately, during their escape erik finds one of moira's silver-tipped crossbows (or something to that affect: still deciding if he should have control over magnetism in this but Details Details) and shoots charles in the spine ultimate style. going off the myth silver is Not Good for all 'unholy' and dead creatures of course, charles' nervous system isn't properly able to regenerate for Above Mentioned Reasons (his body's so 'dead' the antibacterial properties of silver eat away at him). the cruel irony of it all really (or silvery... heh.. metal...)
as a result of being burned by the holy water, erik would wear his helmet more often- at least until he feeds off enough humans to regenerate the damaged tissue (note: only human blood can restore holy-artifact-induced wounds, which means charles won't regain the use of his legs because of his refusal to consume human blood)
either way, once she and charles escape erik and relocate, moira stays with him for some time- at least long enough for charles to get used to his new way of life without his legs and figure out what they should do next, maybe two-three years. eventually, charles and moira agree it might be safer to work apart from each other and effectively split. probably leads to charles moving to america to keep an eye on vampires on the other side of the globe while moira keeps an eye on europe
after the encounter with moira and charles, erik becomes more active and now seeks out other vampires (or humans to turn into vampires), fully intending on converting the world to become a vampire's (and hell why not monsters in general) paradise
Things to iron out
the difference between animal and human blood
Whats the benefit to drinking human blood: is it tastier? More nutritious? Evidently its restorative properties are more potent for vampires than animal blood
Maybe more animal blood is needed to supplement human blood (i.e. one human may need the blood of- say- five pigs or something yk what i mean)
Maybe its possible for a vampire to live off animals only, it’d just be more difficult and they might not be as physically strong as vampires who feed off humans
Would they eventually cave into craving human blood? Is it a conscious effort to Not feed off humans? Curious….
Perhaps moira tests the effects of human vs animal blood on charles, offering blood from her arm both directly from her and extracted first to then drink. He cant argue its wrong if she’s offering for science no…. Its For Science Charles its ok…
Another thing i want to solidify is time period: on one hand i wanna do this modern-ish period but im also thinkin bout the 14th century…. Shrug i still have a lot of finer details In General ill work out with myself. For now it’ll prob remain around 1700’s-1900’s
A final minor thing i wanna work on is erik’s ‘real’ name and his name situation in general, mostly how magda knew him. Maybe changes his name to ‘erik lehnsherr’ after the eisenhardt incident, and goes by ‘magnus’ after magda, her knowing him as ‘erik’ while charles mostly knows him as ‘magnus’. ‘Count magnus’…. Hm…. Dunno if i wanna reintroduce ‘magneto’ into this or not …… ill figure it out at some point …
Perhaps other vampires and dhampirs saying his real name doesn’t negatively affect him and it’s strictly only if humans/non-vampires say it
#long post#cherik#vampire au#man i guess jgLEEJALKEJ#snap chats#ok there thats the vampire au footnotes#see this why i didnt just leave this as a tag ramble For Once i have too many thoughts for that jLVKEJLKJA#sorry i made erik a villain again </3 couldnt be helped...#erik and charles are a little older during their respective Childhood Fucked moments#like i think i have erik closer to being a teenager than a little boy when he loses his family#and charles is closer to teenage years when brian is killed#i thought about including david since i'm including erik's kids but Shrug....#maybe charles meets gaby in america... or maybe he goes back to europe trying to reconcile with erik etc etc..#i COULD have this Again be ultimate style where david is moira's son but i want her and charles to just be friends#or at least. not have a child together vJKELJAEKL#maybe they tried to date at one point but it was just awkward and were like This Aint Gonna Work Out... shrug... we're better as friends...#anyway this was fun to type up if you read any of this thank you... i hope you enjoy my random rambling feel free to ask questions or add o#this is very rough and Blah and just what i thought of while falling asleep last night jveLKLAKJG#i will probably never mention this au again unless you guys bring it up im really bad at aus vjELKJEKAELJ
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If the rules are “Catch them all” ZEX already has a leg up (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#Pokemon#Stoutland#Arcanine#Tangela#Whismur#Larry#Kabu#I mean - of course right? I mentioned Stoutland as one of DAX's matches and Larry loves his Normal types - This Had to happen#And then the idea of how excitable Kabu and ZEX are and what conversations they could have about Pokemon and humans and just-#It all went downhill from there I really had no choice it just Needed to - so I did!#DAX doesn't really understand this whole Petting Large Dog business but it's not actively trying to eat him so that's a mark in its favour#Would he and Larry actually get along or would they brush up against each other wrong haha#DAX Very serious and work-oriented while Larry's just tired and quiet and wants to relax and eat and pet Pokemon#DAX is passionate in his own way but so blasé about humans and other aliens!#Larry something like a cat in that he doesn't really care so goes off to do his own thing - might be too alike to get along haha#I think Kabu and ZEX would get along really well though :D ZEX tries to make friends with so many people so that's not hard haha#And he would have an awful lot of ahem Learning to offer Kabu lol - but so would Kabu in turn! Pokemon knowledge!#Fascinating conversation to be had :) Maybe if they were forced on enough double dates DAX and Larry could get along pft#I almost definitely drew ZEX too short here - maybe he's hunched a little out of excitement lol#But Dexter and Larry would be about the same height wouldn't they! :0 Huh!#It was quite fun to draw Kabu's Arcanine so happy to be getting so many pets haha <3 Cute lad ♪#Finally following up on Alana's brilliant idea of VUX loving Tangela!! ♥ Zarla also mentioned VUX-Tangela vine/tendril communication and ahh#So lovely such fun <3 A specific kind of trainer-Pokemon understanding that can only be had between specific cultures! Yesss#And ending out with a Whismur hug <3 I can't help it those little guys need hugs ♥ No shrieking only gentle shushes and comfort
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People who want to fuck choso are like enigmas to me,,, I cannot for the life of me understand the thought process there I'll be completely honest
#or maybe it's bc I wanna fuck kenjaku and have already decided on him being my step son fjdjdjf#but that is my baby boy little guy baby big brother who is so traumatized and I just wanna swaddle him in a blanket#and tell him it's ok. the grownups are here to help you with your baby brothers you deserve your own life too#idk I love him like a son fjdjfjdj#valid as hell for the rest of you tho I just personally don't get it#also shipping him doesn't make sense to me either#he's too big-brotherpilled eldest-daughtermaxxing to date anyone
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awawawawawawa
#bunny rambles#i was “cleared” to go back to work yesterday but she told me i could use the rest of the time also if i wanted/needed#and im using it. but the little corporateanxietybot who lives in my head and tries to make me be a Good Worker[tm] is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF#cause she thinks my boss/Dad is gonna scream at and hit her for being Lazy#this is a trauma post also um. didnt expect to name her rn but she's screaming and i cant scream back cause she sounds like alarms and those#scare crustywhitedog so i have to calm that one so i don't meltdown#my wife submitted the RTW date for me so like. its okay im actually taking the time and ik this is necessary also bc. it is clearly unwell#that its freaking out because it's gotten a more than a 2 day break for the first time in a year#ik corporateanxietybot has protected me in some ways but. i gotta kill her so bad. maybe H can help me reformat her somehow .....#i also hate her is the thing. she cant hear me rn bc she's just looping in circles alarming but anyway. i hate her. like Me. she's so#capitalismcorebootlicker and i hate that about her and i hate that she exists and i hate that she exists bc my dad raised me to be an#Employee instead of a person 🙃🙃🙃🙃#im not elaborating or explaining any of this. this is a diary entry now#i wish i could click her to kill her like the drones in hardcoded lmao it'd be so much easier. ik she like. lives in the work mode mask as#well which is also HARD bc if im not actively thinking Of work or At work she's nonexistent#but shes so LOUD 🙃🙃 like shut up. we're not gonna explode n die from taking an extra week off you're being dramatic our boss isnt Dad#like he LITERALLY isn't Dad. not even close. he's like the most docile man in the world come on ik they're around the same age and both hve#held authority over u but boss checking in wasnt a trap ur not ab to get caught doing wrong ur fiiiiIIIIIIINE#(also corporateanxietybot is not an adult. she's 15 and terrified but she integrated to my work mask which is the problem cause she makes me#a “phenomenal employee” and also makes me work myself sick when she is given the reigns. little devil on my shoulder except the capitalist#system we live under treats her as a positive thing so she gets positive reinforcement at work which only makes her more anxious 😭 i gotta#talk to H about this next Friday huh. also wow. parts work has made it a lot easier for me to acknowledge these behaviors so i can confront#them easier. weird. strange even. so many parts have gotten names this past month n im realizing also why its been so hard to process stuff#but it also has made me kinder to myself. anyway she turned off (her batteries are low since she's been home for a month too) so im gonna#clean myself up and get some food in me and then get some cleaning done
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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lov and peace on planat earth... ✌️
#just read some crazy tumblr drama and man...#makes me glad i'm not being hyperscrutinized#also makes me glad though that i can admit when i was/am wrong. it's difficult but important#granted i probably haven't done it enough. atonement is... difficult?#navigating what's the right thing to do... it helps to be honest with yourself#and lead with compassion. 🫶#it's kind of a delicate balance to keep but you need to be really hard on yourself but at the same not too much#it's a little maddening but i guess that's just life when you have a morality complex#and i've settled in that. would much rather obsess insanely about morals instead of abandoning them#the hardest thing isn't that but a lack of connection with others#i try. so hardd to make connections and even with other queer and nd people i'm failing so bad. 😭 and it makes me wonder like.#what is WRONG with me#i am content for the moment though i feel bad for my one friend whom my mental state is entirely reliant on#i try very much not to let them know that it is though 😭 we're both busy#do online friendships and dating app things usually just not turn out? maybe i just need to stop getting so down about it.#it'd be easier to do that with a healthy amount of friends though#not giving up overall tho... might for a little bit. you know. take breaks of the Will#but it's not over til im wiped off of this godforsaken rock#have my journal entry tumblr
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I know my life would be significantly improved if I found a way to start exercising regularly, but I’m constantly exhausted bc it takes everything I have just to get by without collapsing and losing everything. I know my life would be improved if i was able to make myself get a reasonable amount of sleep. But I have no self control, even when I was briefly getting more sleep and feeling better I couldn’t stop myself from slipping back in to bad habits. My mind never stops racing, so I’m constantly thinking and worrying about how my bad behaviors only keep me trapped in a somewhat miserable state. I can hardly take care of myself, I don’t know what I could even do to try and get better, and even if I did I’d manage to find a way to make myself terrified of doing it. I don’t know how to be a person, I am not doing well, and I am very afraid I am going to be like this until I either finally slip up and ruin my own life or until I die, likely younger than I should because my anxiety is so bad I’m in a near constant state of stress.
#maybe having a therapist or something could help. but I’ve been burned by them before so I’m scared to try again#I’m scared to do anything#I know I’m supposed to ‘do it scared’ but it’s really really really hard#<girl on 3 different anxiety medications who can barely hold it together long enough to keep her job#things might be easier if I wasn’t so lonely but it’s not like I have much energy to try dating. I have too little self confidence for that#anyway#god I really can just convince myself that my only options are to be miserable and then wallow in my misery. as if that helps at all.#there are things deeply wrong with me
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soooo which one of you is gonna kiss me at midnight
#she speaks#more importantly who is gonna take me on a little date. maybe to see zoo lights or to the aquarium#or maybe just a nice restaurant where its too cold when we leave so we rush to the car n sit for a bit in the dark waiting for#it to warm up. talk quietly about having a good time and thanking you for helping me with everything ♿
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helppppp being disabled is so expensive fuuuck. i have like. an old insulin pump (~6 years old?) and my endocrinologist said I should get a newer model and the CGM that goes with it which runs in a loop, and that would be AMAZING for my blood sugar and keeping me a1c down but… out of pocket with the insurance I have right now (deductible not met) is $2,000 . and goddamn I do not have $2k . they have a payment plan but it’s like $50/mo for 4 years and I might die if I commit to that. but wouldn’t a new pump and cgm that work together be nice… on top of having a new service dog also??
just for the record at my current job I make $10/hr + tips and work ~25h/wk which obviously isn’t great and then I have to pay 525.60 to my dad for rent (cringe) and then leftover from that I have maybe $200 every two weeks to keep to myself but it doesn’t even keep to myself because I have a new puppy and I go to therapy and am disabled so I have doctors appointments and debts and it’s just like come ON man does everything have to be this expensive ???? why does my CGM sensor right now cost 37.99 a piece and my quarter yearly endo appointments cost $45 for just the appointment not including the debt I have accrued for the labs and other various testing that’s like $608 right now… ON TOP OF THE $1.4K DENTIST DEBT I HAVE ??!!?!? it’s over for me. fuck
#.txt#venting sorry#I’m just so. overwhelmed#i also hate asking for money from people T-T so posting like this sucks#^ that being said though if you want to send me money I will. Not say no#it’s just awkward for me to accept money from people but it does help going towards rent and food and shit on top of all of that#or you can commission me!! My commission post rn is a little out of date but#you’re always welcome to send an ask or sm#I’m also gonna try learning how to do n/s/f/w shit yeah#maybe I can make money with that too. Fuck it all#diabetes posting
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#tp#prompt#au#crack#cas is an injured creature / alien / angel who is staying in Dean's shed or barn or something#and dean is dating or maybe living with lisa but he's been thinking for a while that things between them#aren't good. he's been trying with her and wants to make it work for ben too. but then he meets castiel..#at first he's just trying to keep cas' existence and presence a secret but cas' cluelessness about human#life quickly results in dean covering shit up in comical aways and close calls. he's exasperated but also#secretly (not so secretly) fond of cas and helps educate him on humanity eventually resulting in#introducing cas to others either intentionally or by necessity as others encounter them together and#dean has to lie and say cas is a new coworker or neighbour or whatever. so cas is suddenly in his life#out in the open and it's nice but the wrong people are looking for cas and now manage to track him down#also: either dean initially found cas seeking refuge in his barn OR he encountered cas out in a field#or somewhere and brought him back to the barn to treat him before realising he definitely wasn't human#or maybe he already realised it but wasn't just gonna leave him out in the open for the wrong folk to#find him. cas was injured so he was no threat and dean didn't have it in him to just ignore the guy#cas was a little standoffish at first but he left dean help him maybe with bandages or something. and he#observed dean with squinty eyes and guardedness and then wide-eyed curiosity and ofc had no concept of#personal space. dean would check in on him daily and cas would learn about his life even as he#didn't share much of his own life - dean thought cas didn't trust him which was fine but also wasn't he#earning the guy's trust? eventually dean was adamant about knowing more about cas. he'd been#trying to research in the meantime but not finding much - ending up with more Qs than As#the reality was: cas didn't tell dean much (or the whole truth) bc he didn't want dean to think poorly of him#and then when the Bad Folk came after cas he realised he'd put dean in danger and ended up leaving#in order to keep him safe. that's when dean found out the truth about cas' kind and how he was different
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also! i hate how ppl will be like you cant tell if you'll have chemistry through texting you have to meet up right away!!! do yall have no online friends?? or at least attempt to know ppl past a surface level who arent in your immediate vicinity??
#this is @reddit guys trying to give dating advice#you obviously have an online presence since ur on reddit#but ig thats as far as it goes??#i really dont get it#like maybe they just mean them and theyre projecting onto every single person in the whole world#cause ive been making long term friends through the internet since i was 13#it works so well for me too since it helps taper social interactions so i dont get overwhelmed#or so i can have a moment to get more thoughts out clearly#i literally ended up in my middle through high school friend group cause i started talking to one of my classmates on facebook#and started playing maplestory with her#so opinions like this really irk me#cause it just feels too black and white#im just ranting a bit#i like looking at random stuff online and seeing everyones opinions#so ill end up on here and start going off about random stuff with little context haha
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clouds by alex g great song to almost tear up to
#date i had on sat cancelled bc she had too much work to do which me too but i was rly looking forward to catching up w her#that plus all the other stuff that has been happening#my friends' house is almost empty everyone is going home#the weather is playing along too#two of my friends are in thailand i miss both of them dearly#ive found myself subconsciously believing in some form of karma over the past few months#even if logically i dont believe in it whenever a string of bad events happen i ask myself what i did to warrant this#i think right now my crime is a lack of self discipline#making false promises to myself and not following through at detriment to my own future#i know this line of thinking isnt helpful but maybe i need it because otherwise its just. that im very unlucky#or that im meant to not be loved or things will just keep going wrong and id really like thst to not be true#the sun is shining a little bit through the clouds#maybe thats a good sign
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Everyone while I’m gone here’s some infos for the one that may not seen the previous posts until I come back 💜
Mutuals can use the tag #korimilook! I’m still on my break and dosen’t see your content so it help me reblog your lovely content while being away 💜 (only group I stan tho or thing I like)
You can dm me for my discord if you wanna talk, cause I may not see my message for a while !
Lastly I made a new Insta aka alex_korimi not long ago so you can all follow me, I don’t post a lot but you can see pet pictures 👀 Anyone can follow !
AND DON’T FORGET :
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#do not reblog#if you don’t want me to follow back on Insta cause it’s private you can refuse don’t worry about it 💜#may also block you if it look like a bot just tell me if I do gkdbdjd#but it’s birthday month !!! I will be 25 at the end of the month…………help#but DC comeback and Honey solo 😍 Happy bday to me !!!#Honey actually make his solo debut on the date I was suppose to be born cjbsjdbsj#i also saw the social worker my doc referenced me too couldn’t help me a lot but still did a little so maybe life will be better soon fkdbjd#i miss you all I swear I’m just not talktative at all cause of my bad mood lately 🥺#love you all !!!!#Hope to see you soon 💜#alex.txt
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First one from twitter (link) and the redder one from this post (link).
Couldn't decide which one to do so filled both ( ̄▽ ̄)" Tried to vary those red/green flag questions a little, but they ended up pretty similar. Link to the song is here. Second pic is sadly a bit harder to read (sorry couldn't be bothered to redo it after I noticed).
What else uhh.... these romantic things are always a bit weird to fill with Hawu'li because he doesn't really have any hard "types". If you are a guy and at least somewhat nice to him he'll most likely be open to trying dating... and even if you are a literal villain, he might consider it if you are really pretty (*cough* Zenos). I guess it depends mostly on the fact if the potential partner finds him annoying or not haha.
#neri.txt#purple catboy#ah he's also married to his job in a sense that if someone comes to seek his help he'll usually go#no matter what he was doing before that#there's no small amount of dates that have ended early to someone really needing wol to help right that instant ^^'#he'll apologize and feel really bad about it but will very rarely refuse to go#so you'll have to accept that he's hero first and your partner second#(or healer first partner second if not wol)#oh almost all little dots that are in the center mean he's fine with either#anyway uhhh that's enough rambling for now#might do one of these for other ocs too#once i can choose which one has nicer questions#maybe switch between each character haha#oh right edit to clarify: he did not date zenos#only really strongly considered it while his co wols were yelling “whyyyyy” next to him lol
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