#but like. it's a good kind of unwell
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Idk if it's me thriving on Night Shift Life or just drinking nothing but Current Hyperfixation Juice
But I added 6.4k words to my WIP tonight and god I need to think of a title for this damned thing so I can start posting it because damn!
I'm 8 chapters in, with a ton more written ahead that hasn't been dropped into a chapter. And my maybe halfway done word count is about 64k. Which is an INSANE amount for me to have written on one thing in just like 6 weeks...
#i haven't written like this in FOREVER and it feels so great!#I'm just trying to not think about all of other WIPs that have been abandoned#for this one project that is maming me mildly unwell lmao#but like. it's a good kind of unwell#i wasn't even trying to marsthon write tonight. i took many breaks and got very distracted and even made brownies for d&d later#and yet I still wrote That Much in one night#damn girl. damn#i need to go take a nap and get some sleep before d&d but i want to keep writing 馃槶
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was reading Sherlock holmes and this popped into my head
#I鈥檓 fine with writers doing something different with a character but they keep making them weirdly mean for no reason#please stop mischaracterizing the blorbos#Sherlock is not a heartless machine of a man. he has allot of compassion he just has trouble properly expressing it.#Why do they keep making him emotionless and broody#well the broody is accurate#stop making him mean to Watson that鈥檚 his hypeman bestie soulmate he would kill and die for#And he has a sense of humor. he鈥檚 described laughing giggling or chuckling in the books allot. Especially at his own jokes#Batman is a genuinely good person who cares about the people around him and also the entirety of Gotham#He cares about his mentally unwell villains and wants them to get the help they need#And he also doesn鈥檛 kill. Under any circumstance. That鈥檚 a big part of his character idk how anyone could miss that#the mischaracterization of Batman is so bad it鈥檚 effecting the comics#It鈥檚 spreading like a infection#Superman is sweet and kind and full of love for humanity#he鈥檚 ridiculously powerful and uses that power to selflessly help others#most importantly he鈥檚 just a farmboy from Kansas#Not that deep into Superman lore sorry#There鈥檚 hope for the future of Superman and Batman movies#which is nice#Sherlock holmes#acd sherlock#Superman#batman#Dc
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can you please, please relate? i鈥檓 not holding up
[transcript]
#the one without a custom voicemail is asa :')#i always write casper posts when i'm mentally unwell 馃拃 but now i'm doing okay overall so reading this again makes me feel.......#almost like i'm oversharing somehow#and i get embarrassed#but i guess that's kind of the point#it wouldn't be mental illness if it made me feel good lmaooo#also i'm forcing myself not to proofread this at all because i don't want to get caught up in the cycle like i always do#so if there are any mistakes sorryyyyyy you can think of me as a semi-retired storyteller#frozen pines#camellia#casper birkshaw#tom connelly
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jealousy really is the driving force of DamiTim as a ship. love that for them. love how Tim has the Robin mantle ripped away from him and he has to suffer the jealousy of watching Dick and Damian bond. how possessive over Dick Tim can be, to have him stolen by Dick.
even more so though, is the jealousy from Damian. how on earth do you cope when you finally get to be Robin, a role you've convinced is your birthright, and no one really likes you? every prefers the Robin who came before you? Dick regularly reminds you that he can always go and call Tim back when you act out? like the complex Damian has over Tim is unreal. Tim, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and had everything handed to him his whole life. he never had to struggle or fight for his place like Damian did. Damian has spent his whole life fighting and proving himself, and yet he can't ever seem to truly claw the mantle of Robin away from Tim. even when Tim lets it go, becomes Red Robin, they seem to share it. Tim can slip back into the role of Robin whenever someone like Dick or Bruce need him to, because *he's* the Robin who they need. he's the Robin who was able to find Bruce. he's the Robin that Ra's wants an heir out of. he's the Robin who even Jason respects. in Damian's eyes, everything Damian has fought tooth and nail for, was handed to Tim.
so of course he's going to react to Tim with violence and aggression, especially after finding out Tim has contingency plans for him. no matter how much Damian proves himself, he's never going to be enough, especially not to Tim. and so his deep refusal to see Tim as family, to acknowledge Tim's legacy is all driven by such an angry jealousy. Tim understands aspects of Bruce's legacy that Damian doesn't, like the need to sweet talk and play nice with the elites of Gotham, even if they're corrupt. they exemplify different aspects of Robin, and the aspects that Tim exemplifies are the aspects that Damian knows he'll never fully understand and therefore holds such a deep contempt for. he wants to fight criminals, not play nice with politicians. Tim understands the side of Gotham that's utterly foreign to Damian. if anything, he represents that side of Gotham, to Damian. a pretty little rich boy who's nothing but a know-it-all and not a real son of Bruce. he can't be a Wayne. he can't be Damian's family.
and all of that angry jealousy leading to unhealthy obsession turned a weird, angry crush from Damian is just my bread and butter. that is how DamiTim should be. to me. Damian obsessed over hating Tim Drake so much he accidentally ends up sort of in love with him and that only makes Damian angrier. because he can't prove everyone right by *also* liking Tim. he can't let Ra's win like that, because frankly why wouldn't Ra's be delighted by Damian and Tim getting together. and it builds and builds with angry passive aggression towards Tim that culminates in angry hate-fucking-that's-not-just-driven-by-hate. love and hate are always viewed as opposites in shipping and i think they're the same intense passion just in different directions. and for the best ships, they're very intertwined. what is DamiTim is not the peak of that. "i put so much of myself into hating you i had no choice but to fall in love with you somewhere along the way" core. love that bleeds into hate and hate that bleeds into love. "you make me so angry i regularly passively try to kill you but not with any real effort because who would i obsess over if you were actually gone" core. murder attempts as a form of courting. contingency plans to take each other out as a love language. they're unwell.
#necrotic festerings#damitim#timdami#tim drake x damian wayne#damian wayne x tim drake#also possibly a hint of dicktim at the beginning there#i have yelled at my partner about them nonstop#so i had to put the thoughts into a tumblr post to give them peace.#i clearly favor tim in my ships we don't need to talk about it#tim drake is so weird he makes everyone else weird about him by proxy.#like sir contain that aura it's making everyone mentally ill.#i'm not a hamilton girlie at all which is why it makes me so mad Wait For It is SUCH good song for damian#like that song just IS his complex over tim#whether canon or shipping#this pulls from a variety of canon btw#like yeah mostly pre-flashpoint#but i do think the fact that in current comics canon tim keeps defaulting back to being robin#must make damian SO mentally unwell#like oh that does not help your jealousy complex does it.#and the thoughts of tim understanding the elite in ways damian doesn't are inspired by the boy wonder (2024)#which GOD is the first modern comic to fucking understand how tim and damian actually feel about each other#in a way that isn't either cartoonishly evil or makes them make up too easily#ugh. juni ba your mind.#anyway the complex damian has over tim. is fucking wild.#bc like everyone uses it to woobify poor tim for being attacked by big mean damian#which first of all stop taking panels out of context#second of all#dude no WONDER damian has a complex. i'd hate tim's ass too!!!#when i was reading batman & robin (2009) and dick casually says he can still call tim when damian acts out#what kind of threat IS that dick. sir.
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tbh one of, if not my absolute favorite part about ffxiv, is the small little moments/sections where nothing super big or like. Plot Important happens, but that give both the characters and us, the players, some much appreciated down-time to just. Feel things. And to process what's happened and what's going on or to just. Let us exist, in the moment. In a much more grounded and human way than when there's Big And Important Things happening.
The biggest(imo) and earliest example of this is right after the Waking Sands get raided in ARR, and WoL turns to the church for guidance. The entire section of us helping them gather and bury our fallen comrades, and especially bringing Noraxia home to Little Solace so she can be laid to rest in her homeland, by her own people and in their own cultural ways, was so so important to me.
Because it wasn't just replacable allies cast aside for shock value anymore, it was real. These deaths were real and meant something. I got to actually process what just happened, and I got to watch Banana go through it right with me. And not only did it make it feel real, it also gave me a sense of closure. These people, these friends, are dead, but they also got to be treated with the respect they deserve and laid to rest properly.
And that, more than anything else, made me want to save the world. It's grounded and grounding. This world, and these people, meant something to me, the player.
And there's tons of stuff like that throughout the game, especially in shadowbringers and endwalker.
In shb we have, for example, Lyna venting her anger and frustration after the sin eater attack in Lakeland. She's on her knees yelling on the verge of tears while punching the ground, so furious at her helplessness and powerlessness, at everyone having come so far yet set back because some megalomaniacal tyrant deemed it so.
In ew we have Urianger being approached by Moenbryda's parents, who confront him about not confiding in them about his grief. When Bloewyda starts to scold him, he of course reacts guiltily, believing they blame him, only for him to be completely caught off guard when she instead goes in to hug him, telling him he should have let them grieve with him. And he just. Breaks down. He's been holding these feelings, this grief inside him all this time, and now that he is not only told it's okay to let it out, but by her very own parents at that, he just can't keep it in anymore. He cries for Moenbryda, right then and there, being held lovingly by her family.
And the thing is, these scenes aren't necessary, strictly speaking. The plot at large could go on without them, the events that happen around them are not changed by these moments in any way.
But still, they are so so important, to the world, to the characters, to the players. Everything feels real and impactful now, every death means something, every tragedy, every person, feels real.
And that, to me, is what makes this story so special.
#and this isnt even mentioning my absolute favorote of this kind of moments#which is the twins' conversation while held hostage in tertium#its not as emotionally intense as the ones i listed- its not even really about their emotions much at all#but its just. such a good scene that demonstrates just who they are and what their dynamic is and just. them.#im not going into that scene rn bc if i did id end up using all the tags to rant but like. its So Important to me okay#i think about it constantly#this game is just. so good at making the characters feel like real people with real feelings who reacts to everything that happens around#them#oooouuugh i am unwell. i will never be normal about this game. ever.#warrior of light#wol#banana pepper#lyna#urianger augurelt#moenbryda wilfsunnwyn#< in spirit#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#xander rambles
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how have I never thought about how Hawks' favorite hero was Endeavor, when he himself acknowledges that his quirk's greatest weakness is fire and Shigaraki's favorite hero was Eraserhead, the one hero who could take his quirk away
#i am unwell about the parallels between these two at all times but this hit me like a truck#something something the appeal of no longer bearing the responsibility of the thing people have been using you for almost all your life#or something#i've had emotions before about the whole 'you really are so cool eraserhead' thing but like i'm thinking about how technically#afo could have taken shigaraki's quirk away at any time#and shigaraki knew that#he could probably have even taken it and given it back to learn how better to teach him#kind of like what aizawa wanted monoma to do for eri#like. another layer to this for me to rotate in my brain#and also. both hawks' and shigaraki's quirks are so integral to the purpose they've been raised for be that to save or to destroy#me when i do basic reading comprehension: 馃槷#takami keigo#shigaraki tomura#liza blather#doing the theres no good tricks but old ones dvd commentary and i just stop and stare into the middle distance for a bit
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(about cr2 rewatch again) i litrally love tmn so much i will frow up. theyre so good. the cast are so good at embodying them. they dont sound like people trying to be characters sm of the time they sound like just (weirdo) real people it makes me crazy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#theyre so funny . theyre so real . theyre so the girls.#cad and fjords interactions are going to make me explode the admiration. the gentleness. the warm hug of the wildmother through cad#just like. through the way he talks . the comfort . the vulnerability fjord trusts him with (im deeply unwell abt this)#dont even need to say this but man taliesin is such a good actor T_T like soo committed to the bit. jester bought pastries and passed#them around to everyone and immediately he's talking like he's eating the cupcake at the same time as talking#also lol cad being like 'its vry sweet. hmm . hrmrm mrm'#also got to the bit when cad walks around eating fungi garnish off peoples plates <3 his swag#the way in which hes so odd and gentle and joyous and kind but theres that odd little lingering loneliness in there too . whatever. dies.#kiddo say
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You're the only person i follow who posts about thomas sanders
And i only watch him for sanders sides, i'm not really in the fsndom online, so i guess you are the best person to ask this
Why does thomas take so long to upload new sander sides?
ten questions scientists still can't answer, anon
#to expand beyond the cynicism#idk when you joined the fandom but i was there in like The Era. 2017. virgil's name reveal. i was 14 & Unwell#wrote a lot of fic (and i mean a Lot of fic) & was in the Wattpad Scene of it all#(not to do all the fandom hierarchy popularity bullshit but if anyone's wondering why i have 1500 followers on wattpad that's why)#anyways. 5 or so years go by. fans get older. content (or at least good canon content) is few & far between#i move on. move to ao3. move to tumblr & other fandoms#idk how i found the crit tag but it's a good place as an 'ex-fander' so to speak to vent frustrations#you'll find a lot of stuff in the tag on your question anon#basically my take is thomas wants all the money from the series & merch & patreon without actually putting in the work#as he's lost passion for the series but has hyped it up way way too long to back out now#idk he's kind of a shit person from what i've seen though again there's more elequent posts on it than this tag dump#i'll leave the appropriate tags below#ts crit#ts critical#ts criticism#asks
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dark justiciar shadowheart is genuinely so interesting to me as like... a facet to her character. like it really hammers home how desperate she is for shar's love and affection (+ the validation and love from other worshipers of shar). like in a lot of ways I get that it seems shocking to others / some fans because it really does contradict some of the morals we see her express BUT imo that just speaks to the level of desperation she feels. her comments on how shar "must" love her for her to survive the shadowcursed lands, or the bit where she talks about shar nurturing her and loving her and sounds... almost more like shes trying to convince herself more than shes trying to convince you. theres a bit about other sharrans not thinking she had earned her name, and of course the mother superior not thinking she was ready / worthy of being a dark justiciar. like shes just so completely desperate to feel unconditionally and securely loved, and to earn the approval of others that shes entirely willing to injure herself in the process (as well as.... the people who actually love her, of course).
not to mention that mechanically, afaik, she can only end up there if shes encouraged to by the player. ie... she needs to know someone else approves.
#CHEWING ON GLASS ABOUT HER BTW IF YOU EVEN CARE!!!!#shadowheart is the character EVER dude im so unwell about her#also this is not me judging her at all. shes just like me fr fr on this#baldur's gate#bg3 spoilers#bg3#baldur's gate 3#shadowheart#my post#eta: at risk of projecting here she seems so like. disorganized attachment to me. like that NEED to be loved#and craving that approval and fearing ur not good enough to get it#BUT ALSO being so scared to trust people in the first place that its hard to ever get that love#and kind of. how prone she is to rapidly going from total love and trust and openess about her feelings to just#completely walling off the player character if they say something she deems mildly uncomfortable or unsavory#oughhhh#im unwell man i am. simply unwell.#also tbh these tags are a fun game in: disorganized attachment style or bpd? why not both! sjdbdbdg
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"if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more" is so fucking bruce it's unreal. the way he always knows what to say as succinctly as he can but the second emotions are involved, coherency is nowhere to be found. he says, "Bad form, we're going over that until you get it right," and he means, "I cannot bear to see you hurt and I need to protect you in the only way I know how; I love you." he says, "Take Robin with you," and he means, "I trust you with something far more important than my life; I love you." he says, "If you want to stay, I won't stop you," and he means "Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me; I love you, I love you, I love you."
#godd talk about your feelings bruce! it's good for you!#like yes i know his first language is apparently cryptic cyphers but he's so much worse when it's him expressing An Emotion#someone he loves gets hurt and he defaults to anger instead of panic. he shouts instead of cries. he goes silent instead of explaining.#he doesn't know how to communicate! he was raised by an employee that was never supposed to be his father!#he stalks the people he loves and invades their privacy and hears static the second someone starts talking about boundaries#because he's an idiot and he's creepy and he kind of sucks and he cares so very deeply#his love is this overwhelming force that he doesn't know how to put into words and so he chooses to say something else entirely#and the people around him love him too and they learn to speak his language and holy shit they make me feel so unwell#bruce wayne#batman#batfamily#being emo about bruce
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a bunch of doodles from @attorneytrash 's fic 'such terrible tales' except it's just my favorite permanent piece of furniture. its a good fic u have to read it ok? you have to
archiveofourown.org/works/44907994/chapters/112994407 <- its here. are u reading it yet
#it isnt even remotely all the Good Datz parts it's just the ones i could draw#and also datz isn't even like.LIKE HE'S IN IT........... but he's not the focus. im just unwell#mentally#But also it's a testament to finn's writing bc every side character that shows up in this fic is so awesomes and i love them.#ace attorney#spirit of justice#datz are'bal#nahyuta sahdmadhi#dhurke sahdmadhi#i was like 'isnt it kind of tactless to focus so much on a side character?#but then i realized ... that's just what i did for ace attorney real. so it's actually perfectly fine.
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"Since the Netherbrain fell, you and Astarion have seen more of Faer没n than you ever thought possible. One night, he tells you that these last six months of happy memories are the counterweight to two hundred years of misery."
idk what's up with my obsession with drawing astarion being happy and cared for but I'm sure it's not gonna come up in therapy. AFFECTION BEAM!!!!
#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3 fanart#bg3 tav#bg3 astarion#astarion ancunin#astarion x tav#tav x astarion#zyrastarion#bloodsong#dinosaur laser art#can you tell I'm getting bolder with posting my shit on tumblr#hey welcome to my tags where I have a mental breakdown#I'm unwell about this character. severely#and I'll make it everyone else's problem thank you good night#listen I just think we should allow astarion to be goofy.#postgame astarion is a good old fashioned lover boy (tm)#spawnstarion my BELOVED I would do unspeakable things to you#what's the maximum amount of tags I can add to this#I don't care if this is ooc I don't CARE he's my silly rabbit#I'm 28 years old and I've lost control of my life#I'm on my second run and I tried so hard not to romance him#I was having a genuinely miserable time LMAO dear lord#I gave up and romanced him anyways it's fine we're all fine#in all seriousness drawing this kind of stuff is therapeutic#he's a comfort character to me due to shared trauma etc#and I find comfort in seeing him in mundane situations#but like. happy and thriving and free. as he should be#larian studios meet me in the pit you've ruined my life#EDIT: I forgot tieflings have a forked tongue please kill me
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rememberwhen he. remember. when. when.when. he
#i did mean it when i said hollands actually not even my favorite character within this universe which is honetsly#concerning the more unwell i act about him. but like he's probably in the top 5 if not top 3#he is the main main character after all i feel like it'd be weird if i didnt like him a lot lmao#i cant help that hes a pirate with loose moral but a compassionate sappy little heart :/ i cant help that he cares deeply for hte people ar#und him and will die and kill for them :/#when he leaves his home country to become a pirate and hes kept track of pirate politics and hes like#i know how to make people like me i will ally myself with the big pirates to climb my way to the top#but he forgot he's a very driven person who'll go very far to reach his goals so like he does meet and create relationships with these peop#e but um. not good ones usually lmao but like that in and of itself inadvertently launches him into pirate fame#honestly hollands plans rarely go the way he wants them to but like he still kind of knows what he's doing#that time he tries to assassinate the crown prince but ends up falling in love instead :/ whoops#chugging an energy drink so i can make more pirate renders<3 less holland renders i need my other characters to get some renders too
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my dog might die tonight
my mom's depressed and emotionally exhausted, to the point she slurs her words and feels like a zombie most days
has said to my face she doesn't want to fix it
that soon her mom will die and me and my sister are grown so...
we don't need her
and my dog's old and sick
in pain
at the vet getting oxygen and medication
to see if he'll make it through the night
and thank god he's there, so he doesn't have to suffer
but he's not next to us
he might die alone away from us
i think there's some poetic bullshit there
he would die in pain by our side
but he has a chance to survive away from us
and if he doesn't make it till the next day he'll die alone, but without pain
i just want to take everyone's pain away
but I can't
i can't fix it
it's not up to me
i can't do shit
#i was already expecting it#my dog's old#and he hasn't been well for a while now#it's fine#just want him to go in peace#i'd like it if he was comfortable near the people he loves#but like as long as he isn't in pain i'm happy#it's everything else that's making me have a breakdown#i was already tired and mentally unwell before learning WHY my mom had been like this#when she finally fessed up about the depression/exhaustion it took away the weight of not knowing how or why she got like that#but it's not easy hearing your mom basically says she wants to die#don't worry my sister already scheduled an appointment with a psychologist for her#she also got tests done to see if she had signs of dementia and shit#and she's working where i am right now#and i can see how hard it is for her#but i can't do much to help her#and i can see how everyone else is kind of done with her#but she isn't incompetent...she's smart and a good worker#but her brain is fucking cooked and i dont think she should be working#by now i'm literally just venting#in the tags#and just ignore this#ignore me#this was just a long time coming#everything is fine#mine
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silly guys that make me lose followers on tumblr dot com
#my art lol#vocaloid#zhiyu moke#persona 3#ryoji mochizuki#omfg lmao i normally dont do this kind of thing ever... but the circumstances are so fucking funny i HAD to#no cause its so amusing to me. so u can put up w/ my unhinged ramblings in the tags a bunch of dumb uninteresting shit etc#but seeing the same fuckass gif too many times in a row is the final straw?? ok sure#LIKE IM NOT REALLY MAD OR ANYTHING its just hilarious to me that THAT is some (2) people's final straws w me. thats their limit#i only reserve spam reblogging the same post in a row for very special occasions when im extremelyyyyyy unwell abt smthn (pos or neg)#so its really funny to me that on two separate occasions that was enough for two separate people to unfollow my main. LOL#couldnt handle the mokening/ryojiing 馃様馃檹 tragic! anyways.#NO BUT ALSO i once did reblog. the same video of shadow the hedgehog like 50+ times in a row#i dont remember if i lost anyone because of that though??? if i didnt then THATS HILARIOUS LOL everyone just loves shadow#but some fuckin chinese computer program and death the teenage boy??? i want those twinks obliterated. blocked and unfollowed.#my lessons ive learned: i can weaponize random ass gifs of random ass anime boys i guess?????????#also this is from today. and serves as a good precursor to whats abt to happen which happened far from today 馃ゴ馃槶馃様馃様馃様
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actually I'm not done thinking about teru and ritsu's friendship. I think teru might be one of ritsu's first real friends. ritsu isn't like,, the most social kid in the universe, and I think he has plenty of superficial friends (see: "I talk about the weather with pretty much anyone") but I think the only real close friends he has are teru and shou. and I think it's bc both of them are people he met without his Perfectly Ordinary Middle Schooler mask. he has to fill the role of honor student, perfect son, doting brother, etc. all the time while ALSO trying to blend into the background and be inconspicuous, and that's part of why he lashed out like he did during the cleanup arc, but with teru and shou, his first encounter with both of them involved him being an arrogant little shit that's willing to pick fights, which contradicts the perfect kid act AND the perfectly ordinary middle schooler act, and is in fact much more honest bc he's not hiding this kind of nasty side to himself. and that honesty works out for him with these two! teru sees himself in ritsu because he's also kind of an arrogant little prick, and aside from initially trying (and succeeding) to intimidate him, teru looks out for him and risks his life trying to save him and they genuinely get along pretty well! and with shou, he sees that ritsu is willing to fight him on his own and he's like "oh you're fucking nuts, we need to be best friends now" and immediately respects him a lot just because he's not gonna run away from a fight he's certain to lose. idk, I just think it's important that ritsu's first real friends are ones who saw him in rather ugly circumstances and wanted to be friends with him anyway
#mp100#ritsu kageyama#I have. BRAIN WORMS.#if this seems extremely rambling it's bc I was forming these ideas as I wrote#idk I just think a lot about the bit with tokugawa where he's like ''I'm just a perfectly ordinary middle schooler''#and tokugawa says ''yeah those don't exist''#I feel like we acknowledge the fact that he had to fill the honor student/perfect son role a lot#but he ALSO had to try and blend into the background (which tokugawa attributes to him acting like his brother)#and I think an important part of his development is acknowledging these negative parts of his personality#like. he can be arrogant! and aggressive! and kind of a shithead!#but he's also a loyal friend and very brave and such a good brother#such a theme of this series (especially the final arc) is about being honest with and about yourself#and accepting both your flaws and the good parts of yourself#and I think it's important that teru and shou saw him at these low points for him#also!! I'm thinking about his fight with shou#and how there was no way he was gonna win against him but he fought him anyway#and then how that's repeated when he fights shimzaki to buy shou time#idk. he's a brave kid.#I am literally always thinking about ritsu. help me. I am unwell.
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