#but like. bisexual still feels right?? i remember having a really intense crush on one of my brother's friends in high school

[monstrsball]

the thing w having a shitty ex you weren't that attracted to is now you can't decipher whether you weren't attracted to HIM specifically, or if you aren't attracted to men period.

[degloved]

i don't think some people, heterosexual or otherwise (depending on upbringing) are able to comprehend the hellworld that is internalized homophobia if they haven't personally experienced it, especially at a young age.

i'm not trying to create some kind of cool kids 'you don't get it' club, in fact i'm very happy for the percentage of us who aren't straight and have somehow managed to avoid this, be it thanks to loving/supportive parents or the positive reception of non-het orientations online or an unwavering conviction that there is nothing wrong with them (and there isn't!). however, i do find that the lack of this experience can result in a lack of understanding, and that lack of understanding can lead to… callousness at best, disrespect at worst.

it's a difficult thing to talk about, and i think i've retyped this sentence alone like fifty times, but i really think this is a discussion worth having, so here i go. i don't think there are words in any dictionary of any language in the world that i could string together and accurately portray the dread that settles over you, like the world's most fucked up weighed blanket, when you first start entertaining the thought you might be gay. following this, i don't think i could adequately describe the bone-deep, soul-crushing horror of finally admitting defeat—finally admitting that despite your best efforts, despite your sincerest wishes, you are gay. thinking about it now is surprisingly hard, even though it's been just about a decade for me (wow). i guess that sort of feeling—an amalgamation of fear, hatred, disgust, more fear, panic, anxiety, anger—never does leave you, only recedes. okay, what a curious thing to find out just now. but, right, back to the point. it is truly one of the worst things anyone could go through, i think, let alone a child, let alone for at least four-five years before reaching some degree of self-acceptance, let alone alone.

there is this specific memory i have, and i really wanted to talk about it. i was fourteen years old, just having come to terms with being a homosexual (for the three years prior, i'd clung to the bisexual label like a lifeline.) by that i don't mean i'd accepted it at all, i only mean that i'd realized i could no longer kid myself. and the realization had come to me during a run-of-the-mill school day, apropos of nothing. it might've hit me and clicked during math class for all i know. but what i do know, what i remember, is being driven home from school hours later, deep in thought in the back of my grandpa's car, staring out the window and giving myself a very particular mental pep talk: 'love isn't something you will get to experience in life, and that's okay. you need to come to terms with this. there's more to life than love & if you don't start seeing this, you'll be miserable for a long time. what do you need love for anyway? learn to live knowing it'll not come and you'll be fine.' paraphrased, but you get the gist of it. looking back to it, it makes me so… so sad. when i'd called myself bisexual, those three years, even in the fog of intense internalized homophobia, i hadn't given up on love. i'd had this thought in my head, i remember telling this to myself very clearly before tehnički class one october: 'you can still hide this part of you and fall in love with a boy.' yes, i was a dirty freak and an abomination of nature for being into girls, but at least there was the silver-lining of a possible heterosexual relationship. but at fourteen, with that pipe-dream gone, i was forced to face the inevitability of my loveless, miserable, lesbian life. about a month after this, i would try to take my life for the first time. thinking about this chain of events makes me feel feral with anger, for that scared little kid that was me, and for every other scared, suicidal gay little kid in the world.

a little over half a year later, i met my first girlfriend, and though that relationship crashed and burned and left me irrevocably changed as a person after its four-year lifespan, at the time it had shown me that i could be loved (because here i was, being loved) and that i wasn't a lost cause. and only when i felt that sort of love from another person had i been able to start unpacking the absolute mountains of self-hatred and internalized homophobia i had acquired over the years. at sixteen i'd started running a semi-popular lesbian positivity account, and through it i'd developed connections to other lesbians, which also strengthened this newfound belief that maybe i wasn't Something Bad—because, look, there are others like me. i'd also been in therapy for some time, and though my therapist wasn't the best in many ways, and was also a kinda tone-deaf straight woman, she did make me feel more normal when no other adult did.

and i guess what i'm getting at i'd only really started feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my lesbian identity/orientation, around seventeen. at least comfortable enough to say it with my full chest to my real life friends (although i could still only say gay, not lesbian.) so, from figuring out i liked girls at eleven, it took me six-ish years to be okay with it. six years of various degrees of utter inner agony about something i could not change. i don't think some people understand what that does to a person, a kid, a teen. i don't think some people can even begin to understand what it's like. you could listen to us, people like me, talk about this sort of thing for a hundred hours straight, and i don't think you could wrap your head around it even a little. a lot of people have it worse than me, too. a lot of people remain in agony for many more years than just six, well into adulthood. some people die like this. not a month ago, i found myself feeling intensely ashamed of my desires, apropos of nothing. brushing twenty-one years old, thinking i'd overcome this particular burden, it hit me like a train. still here, still lurking. a degree of self-hatred i apparently cannot unlearn. it's devastating. i wonder how long i'll keep carrying this, and i wonder if the answer is 'forever'. you know? i get the feeling, sometimes, that internalized homophobia is trivialized. or at least not at all taken half as seriously as it should be, reduced to being uncomfy with your gayness a little bit. it's so much more than that. i don't know. i feel like i went on several tangents here, on this absolute monster of a post, but i just wanted to get this off my chest. sorry for getting serious do you still think i'm hot

[discotechque]

some kind of secret I will share with you

pairing: atom eve/female! reader word count: 1.1k rating: T

anyways bisexual eve bc im projecting the internalized homophobia i went thru as a pre teen

Atom Eve does not like girls, it does no good to meddle between labels and meet somewhere in the middle that will only provoke questions. So saying she can indulge with men is far from what she actually means to say. She can love them, there's no doubt about it, but there's something more.

She can remember the third grade, kissing her friend's cheeks and squeezing pudgy flesh between fingers. Samantha Eve Wilkins likes girls, enjoys the way they flush under her polite stare and hold their breath as she innocently tucks hair behind their ears. At eight, she knows what the little thump in her chest in her means and she ignores it. Always stopping it before it goes a half too far, but she lets it go when she joins Teen Team.

She first looks at Rex, towering over the others with gangly limbs, and he returns a lazy half smile in her direction. Then her eye catches yours, bored and wandering off from introductions, maybe it's the subtle indifference in your demeanor she's attracted to. Yet, you're no different ( simply a temptation she has to overcome ) and her gaze tears away to stare back at Rex.

And she dates him because in her mind, it's that simple ( and it's meant to be ). Just the way her parents were, vowing to care for each other as man and woman because any other pairing rubs the wrong way. It's what she was taught and it rings true amongst eras so it's why she avoids you.

If she lets her heart go on for a half a beat too long, she would regret whatever else she would pursue.

She sits on the roof one night, hearing your laugh meld into one of Kate's many clones. Something you said must've been funny but she doesn't care, she's funny too ( even if her sarcastic quips garner more groans than chuckles ). Eve does this too often, avoiding your presence like the plague, afraid that you'll infect her with something she wasn't prepared for.

Because even if she is not all knowing, she has answers and she is prepared. It's why Mark asks her for advice and she's the supposed leader of this small team. If does not have answers, she has nothing and the thought crushes her like no other.

"Avoiding me again, Sam?" your voice echoes across the sea of a cricket symphony, all the noises looping around the shell of her ear. She doesn't like her birth name, it doesn't sound natural ( but it's like your lips was made for it ).

Yet, it's still a chore to correct and her sighs sound vexed, "It's Eve. Atom Eve at work,"

Still, you don't push it; not like he does. Instead, regret contorts your features, "Sorry, I got shit manners and a shittier memory." she thinks this might be the end of the conversation but you choose to sit next to her.

Another annoyed sigh leaves her and if you notice it, you don't comment on it. "But you didn't answer the question."

It's because she doesn't want to if she's honest with herself ( and that's not a rare occurrence, rather she just chooses to ignore it ). There are many things Eve would rather not admit like how much her gaze gravitates towards your dull expression rather than her boyfriend's and how she likes the calloused pads of your fingertips pressing against her skin because she knows how much touch relieves you of stress. So many things she isn't willing to be honest about, so many of those things revolve around you.

You sigh, copying her signature move but yours sounds far more intense. Her eyes flicker towards you, you're looking away. "I mean, you don't have to tell me an answer because I don't care—"

"You really know how to charm a girl,"

"I don't care about why, just wanna know if you're okay."

Her breath catches in the back of her throat and she nearly coughs, "If I'm okay?"

That thought doesn't normally leave your head. Even if the world were to crumble and erode into a bittersweet void, she's sure you wouldn't ask anybody about their well-being. Still, you're there acting like you care and babbling on as if you're oblivious to the way you make her feel. This flush she was only used to witnessing on others and the thrumming bouncing against her ears.

As you can't hear the way she silently cries for your presence.

"Listen, I know I'm not like Mother Tereasa—"

"Y'know, she's not a saint either,"

"Listen, please," and she recedes, a shaky smile crossing your features in gratitude. Maybe you're just as anxious as her ( she wishes, at least ), "I'm not a saint like you said and I'm aware of it, so if you're avoiding me then I must've been an asshole or something. So I don't know what I did but it must've been bad enough to avoid me. I'm sorry, like super duper fucking sorry."

She didn't expect and apology, those are far and few when it comes to you. Always the one to be right, always taking charge and never the blame, always having to be the loudest one. Yet, you're so earnest to earn her grace again and she doesn't know what to say ( doesn't know if it's appropriate to feel the way she does ).

But she holds your hand, like she's done countless times with Rex but this is different. ( Do you feel it too?) Mumbling first, "This is gonna sound cheesy; it's not you, it's me. I've been going through some stuff and it made me single you out."

You grip her hand tightly, enough pressure from it to feel as if you were trying to cradle something so small you couldn't dare hurt it. Her eyes trail down at your hand before looking up, unprepared to be caught within your solemn stare. "We're friends, Eve, you can talk to me about anything."

She wish this stopped at friends, then the word wouldn't sting as much. Still, you are as oblivious as you are stubborn and it's the little things like that have her unfurling at the sight.

"Not this, but I'll tell you if I'm ready. Promise."

"I just want you to feel safe around me, dude,"

"I do," she just doesn't know how to say it. Doesn't know if you can tell from the way her palm seamlessly fits within yours and she's left without words by a simple hold.

"I'll always be here, can't swear it'll be all good though."

"But you'll try," and that's all she ever really wants from someone.

A grin encasing your lips, stronger than the last and still gently caressing her hand within yours. "Yeah, I will."

All she ever wanted was you. ( Do you know that? )

[la-princessaa]

I don’t think it matters at all anymore, really, as I see we’re kind of leaving the... intense purity culture era of tumblr, but for myself and because why not let the world know where I stand:

I’m kinda fond of the word “queer”. In case that wasn’t evident.

It’s very encompassing. It’s a term that doesn’t really need to be defined, it’s a broad, broad label. It could mean just about anything under the LGBTQ+ sun. And I love that.

Do I have labels? Yes. I picked the ones I felt I related to the most, nonbinary and bisexual, but, I’m more using them broadly. I define myself as 95% woman, or feminine, or girly, or whatever. Lots of terms and words for it, you get the picture. And the other 5% is just, I don’t know. I don’t even know if 95% are accurate numbers, but I know I’m not entirely feminine identifiers. Sometimes I’m a genderless blob, and I know some people don’t really care for that term, but that’s just me. I forget I have a gender sometimes. I get called “ma’am”, or “miss”, and I remember “oh, yeah, right. That’s me”.

My bisexuality is picked because it’s just an easier term to understand. It’s just what I picked when I found out I can also like people who don’t identify as men, and I’ve stuck with it. In reality, it’s more like: I don’t care. I do not care about your gender identity (in terms of my ability to fall in love; I very much care about gender identities). If I like your personality, your heart, we mesh well and get along, it doesn’t matter. Your gender has no bearing on my falling in love with you. I’ve only thought about it once, when I realized I was in love with my at the time best friend. She was a girl, I was a “girl”. I had acknowledged that if my at the time boyfriend had decided he didn’t fit the male identifier anymore, I would still love him, but it only hit with the best friend one that I could like people born as women. And, as I grew older, I stopped caring at all about gender of people I had crushes on. It didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. If I like you, I like you. If your gender identity changes, I don’t mind. So, bisexuality was what I grabbed onto. 

But, in all reality, queer is a term I’d like to use to describe myself more. It’s what I am, it’s more inclusive of the ways I feel my sexuality and my gender identity.

I’ve never said this before, but

I am queer.

[shortkingvi]

About BS, I think it is very important to aknowledge Blake's attraction to Sun even when it wasn't nearly as strong narratively as the one that involved Yang and (formerly) Adam. Like. Part of Blake being bisexual is also the fact that she found Sun cute/hot despite not wanting a relationship from him, and i think its a detail people ignore way too much. In real life you constantly find people you're attracted to, but who are not "compatible". I think Sun wanted more from Blake, a relationship maybe, but all the signs point towards Blake not feeling as strongly about it as he did (most of their "moments" end up being Sun trying hard and Blake responding positively few times out of a dozen). Maybe it's because she deemed him way too different from her, or maybe because it simply wasn't the right time. Sun was completely into her, but while the attraction was mutual, the intent or simply the intensity was different. Basically Blake was attracted to Sun but wasn't in love with him. And there's nothing wrong with it or weird about it.

People are often too far in ship wars to understand that relationships, attraction and friendships are very different things and not necessarely one implies the other. Blake wanted a relationship from Adam, she is now in love with Yang, but she was also attracted to Sun, while she saw Ilia as a friend.

So basically all i'm saying is that us bees should accept all sides and shades of Blake's sexuality (which i think most of us do just fine), because i believe that part of her inner beauty is also the complexity of her romantic life. Some may not like Sun, but he was a big part of her character arc, and there's enough signs to justify "attraction" on Blake's side. As such it shouldn't be erased or swayed as a "one-sided crush" because it really wasn't. It may not have been soulmate material or "love" but it was still one of the shades of Blake's romantic life so...i think it's beautiful, sorry for the rant :D

yup you’re exactly right,,, in a world where people still somehow love to invalidate bisexual ppl if they haven’t dated or expressed attraction to multiple genders, animation often has to fall back on presenting these feelings in SOME way

blake’s crush on sun was never meant to be more than a crush but was meant to make clear that she has the capacity to love men and women (and all that is between probably @ crwby give me non binary characters). his role was to be a foil but also a compliment to blake’s own personal journey which is why he was present in her individual arc

i don’t buy into ship wars because i am.... an adult.... who has had irl relationships and whatnot, but ppl really gotta try to remember that animation is much more intentional than live action and that things typically serve some larger purpose like this

[bisluthq]

Hey! I'm fairly new here and I have a pretty uncommon take on Kaylor. But I just wanna start off by saying I try my best to be as supportive of LGBT people as possible and if they're both bisexual, then I would be 100% okay with that! I'm not trying to "defend their heterosexuality" or anything, I think that's really weird

Okay, so my personal theory is that Kaylor did happen, but that Taylor and Karlie are both straight. I know that might sound contradictory, but I say this based on my own personal experiences based on how I am with my best friend. I think Karlie and Taylor's relationship might have been similar in some ways to ours

Right, so I'm straight and I'm not into women in the gay kind of way (but it's completely cool that some girls are), and I have this roommate who's gorgeous. Really gorgeous, she's like a 10/10 "I would sell my kidney to look like you" kind of girl. She's very attractive, she has like tan skin and long legs and gorgeous brown hair and pretty eyes and nice lips and just like… she's just very good looking. I'm definitely jealous of her body, I won't even pretend I'm not 😪 I lowkey hate her because of it (jk)

We've been living together since not long before COVID started, and we're very good friends. There were three of us before, but our other roommate went back home to stay with her parents until in person classes are back on and we agreed to it and worked something out because she has really bad anxiety so we understood her reasoning for it

Anyway so it's just been us two and because we've been at home a lot during this time instead of out for most of the day like before, we've gotten to know each other a lot better and have become a lot closer. We were already friends from before, but now we're like super close besties, we've been hanging out a lot together and playing board games, watching movies, helping each other with essays, just having long conversations about anything and everything, etc

Like it's been so nice having a best friend that I can be this close to now because I haven't had a best friend since I was a kid

So my friend and I were having like a conversation last year about how hard it's been in quarantine not being able to go on dates and how we miss kissing people, and so we decided to just like, make out for fun you know. I mean, there's not really anything that's inherently romantic or sexual about making out, that's just society that says that. But tbh I think making out with your friends if you want to should be normalized, it's fun and it can even be emotional sometimes. It's not that different from hugging people

After a couple of weeks or so, I think we got bored of just making out with each other and decided to like, fully hook up. It started off because we were modelling lingerie for each other for banter and were pretending we were each other's runway judges and then I think we just decided to hook up with each other as like part of the whole "game". I can't remember who initiated it now, I think it might have been me as a joke lol

Like just in a platonic way for fun, as a kind of substitute until we can go back into society

And tbh I always expected hooking up with a woman to be like mediocre and boring and awkward, but although it was a bit hard to get the hang of at first and there was a learning curve, it's actually very enjoyable. Like I was very surprised actually at how hot it can be, I think I can maybe see why bisexual women and lesbians like doing it

Anyway we both liked it and we just carried on hooking up on the regular and it's been like 8 months now and tbh I just think it's very sweet and heartwarming, like it actually makes me feel a little emotional how we're close enough and care about each other enough that we can even help each other out with the physical intimacy side of things so that we don't get sexually frustrated while we're stuck in lockdown

I just think it's really cool and we even sleep in the same bed most of the time now because tbh what's the point in sleeping alone when you can sleep in the same bed as someone else? It's nicer, like you can cuddle and stuff

Anyway, I think that maybe Kaylor's relationship might have been similar. I think they're both straight but they became really close friends in a short space of time, and that their friendship was so intense that it became physical but in a platonic way

I think lesbians and bisexual women are amazing and I have so much respect for you guys for accepting yourselves in a society that tries to erase you, and I think there definitely needs to be more wlw representation on TV and in movies

But at the same time, I would also like there to be more close female friendships like the one that me and my friend have where you can just talk about everything together and do things that society usually reserves for romantic partners, but in a platonic way. Because female friendship is really important and beautiful, whether that's between straight women like me and my friend who I think is probably straight too, or between queer women because one thing I've learnt during my short time on this blog is how queer women can have very close platonic friendships with other queer women too

I think society just has overly strict ideas of "straight" and "gay". Like for some people, they would hear about two women sleeping together and think "Oh that's gay", but not necessarily because straight women can enjoy sleeping with other women too, like it's normal 🤷‍♀️

I think it's just a result of women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men

I also think it's because women are so oversexualized in the media, and obviously straight girls see that too and so we sort of internalize that attraction to women because we're so used to seeing women being presented in a sexual way? Except it's not real attraction with us like how it is for queer girls

Like I'm very much "attracted" to my friend, she's genuinely stunning and just very hot tbh. But I still identify as straight because it's just a case of what I mentioned above, it's a "fake" attraction. And also because men are afraid to compliment other men because it's seen as "gay", but women can be fully confident in their sexuality and still recognize other women's beauty and sex appeal. You see it all the time in instagram comments, and I really love how we're all so supportive of each other like that

Like I can be fully confident in my sexuality and yet still say that some women like my friend are gorgeous as hell and also 100 times better looking than most men I've seen. I'm very much obsessed with some women's appearances but in a platonic way

And I just love the concept of "girl crushes" and I think that from a feminism viewpoint, it's beautiful that we're focusing on other girls and showing love towards other girls too, instead of just to men who, let's be real, don't even fully appreciate it half of the time

I am going to be sad when we all have to return to life as usual and my friend and I won't be able to spend as much time together anymore. I'm dreading it tbh, I don't want it to end yet. And it really sucks that the physical side of our friendship will probably have to stop too once our other roommate comes back because I think she'd definitely misunderstand the situation and think it's something different than it actually is if she ever saw us kissing or something. I really am going to miss it a lot though, I really like how things currently are and it's just really really nice and I don't want it to change :/

Btw I'm sorry if I sounded fetishistic or offensive with any of this, I just get a bit jealous sometimes that you guys get to date girls and we're just stuck with men. Honestly if it wasn't for all of the homophobia and the struggles that you all have to face and the fact that it would feel disrespectful to the LGBT community, I would probably really wish I could change my sexuality to be bisexual or gay instead because I just think women are better. Sometimes I really do wish I was into women in that way because dating girls just sounds so much more appealing to me (in a non fetishizing weird way) but unfortunately I'm stuck with dating men 🤦‍♀️ But I also know I'm lucky and privileged to be straight even though most men are mediocre and kinda gross and I don't mean to be disrespectful because I know you all have to face homophobia and other LGBT difficulties and it really sucks, people are awful. There's nothing wrong with women dating women or men dating men at all, society is just ugly and bigoted

Anyway, does anybody else have a similar sort of take on Kaylor where they think they could have both been straight and just had a very close friendship with a physical side to it? I think it would explain a lot. But like I said, this is just a theory of mine based on my own situation, and I'm also open to the idea that it was an actual relationship and that they're both into women for real, not just fake "into women" like I am.

Also pls feel free to call me out if I accidentally said anything offensive towards LGBT people, I tried my best but if I made a mistake anywhere pls let me know and I'll avoid it next time!

You’re not offensive. Please stop apologizing. And we’re gonna come back to the Kaylor stuff another time because... Honey. You and I need to have a conversation for a bit.

So firstly, I’m not trying to like “diagnose” you and at the end of the day it’s your choice what you want to call yourself but... tbh you might not be straight. Sexuality is fluid not static and exists on a spectrum not in absolutes. It’s not like it’s straight, 50/50 bi, gay and you’re born knowing and there’s no room for anything else. That’s not true. There’s a lot of room in between all of these and labels can change over time. We’re people, not cereal brands, and sometimes we don’t even KNOW the word for what we might be. I’m tagging a tag for you from when we asked people to share their label journeys for you to see. It’s not simple or easy and it’s not just because of external stuff - it’s because figuring this out internally is HARD. If you found yourself having such an intense friendship it became physical, repeatedly, you liked it a lot, you still sleep in the same bed and continue to share all your thoughts and you don’t want any of that to end... I’m not sure you’re Kinsey 0. And I think you might lowkey have a girlfriend dude. 

You can obviously prefer men but like... hun I reaaallly don’t think you’re completely straight.

Also: it’s okay to say “I see myself winding up with a man and this is a situationship for right now!” but that doesn’t make you straight because again, sexuality is a spectrum and you can manifest a particular kind of endgame while experiencing other things along the way.

But here’s where you really got me: “most men are mediocre and kinda gross” and “women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men” because that’s the kind of thing I used to say in my Bi 1.0 era before I ID’d as a lesbian for a bit and before Harry Styles (KING 🥺) made me bi for real. Hun, no. Straight women like men. Tbh BI women like men. I genuinely, unironically, find Harry and Timmy and Matt Smith to be sexy beasts and I would do dirty things to the former two but maybe not the latter irl in 2021 but yes also him if I could be on that Spain trip with him and Karen where they got sloshed and which I think of often. These men are genuinely fucking beautiful to me in the same way Taylor is and Di Silvers is (okay she’s prettier than all of them but like same ~vibe) and like Megan Thee Stallion is and Indira Varma in everything but especially GOT and Gillian Anderson and Keira Knightley. Like those women are HOT to me and SO. ARE. THE. MEN. 

Straight women find SO MANY DUDES hot. So many. Starting from objectively pretty options I just cannot personally understand like Chris Evans all the way through to bitches who are outchea simping for wrestlers and Cole Sprouse. Do I understand? No. But like... that’s straight girl culture and ours is not to judge. 

If you’re struggling to find men hot then... you might be gay.

Also, I’m not sure what you mean by “fake attraction”. Like queer women - especially femme women which I assume you very much are - experience the same kinds of feelings straight girls do. We have women we want to be like and look like and find enviable (me and Oenone Forbat) and women we find aesthetically gorgeous (me and Anya Taylor Joy) and we have extremely close female friends who we can spend hours on end spilling our guts to - as you say female friendships are truly special - and without going into personal people that you don’t know, that’s me and Cam and Sim right? I literally talk to them for hours. Like those are not gay feelings. And yes we can chat about those kinds of feelings with straight girls and call them “girl crushes” and not immediately get “caught out” because they experience this exact shit too.

But here’s the thing. They never do and I don’t want in the cases above to fuck these women. It’s not sexual.

The moment I can actually imagine fucking the women in question that’s... gay. 

Like it’s not “fake attraction” it’s literally just gay. That’s how we desire women. We want to fuck them. Not all women. Not always. But sometimes we want to get under or on top of one and just really truly fucking make each other moan with pleasure.

I have no idea if Karlie or Taylor are into women. They could both literally be straight. I have no idea.

But I have a better idea about you.

Hun, you’re fucking your roommate/best friend and don’t want to stop.

You’re not “into women”.

You’re into this woman.

And possibly into women more generally.

So I know it’s weird to have to be the one to tell you this, and if you want to keep chatting via anon or in my DMs or if you want me to try collate resources for you from around the web but...

Like.

Dude.

You’re a whole ass part of the rainbow.

Welcome to the community you thought you weren’t a part of earlier today 🌈 ❤️

It’s nice here, sure there’s homophobia, but at least we get to fuck girls and man is it good.

[khaleesiofalicante]

OH MY GOD! ITS HAPPENING! Its only the summary and I’m emo 😂 I should be studying for my exams, but I have tomorrow for that ;)

Ok, lets do this:

UDHWIJSHW THEY ARE SO CUTE FOR EACH OTHER I CANT-

"He preferred to hide his heart away. But he couldn’t hide David. He didn’t want to. David deserved to be seen." Like father like son. Both speeking poetry about their love ones. (and no, Idk which father I'm talking about 😂)

“I don’t think they are fake dating,” David hummed from the other end. “You don’t talk for hours every night if you are just fake dating.” (THANK YOU DAVID! SOMEONE THAT ITS NOT BLIND)

"They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”“So, by not helping them, we are technically helping them?” Bapa had asked and Max had nodded with a grin. “Shadowhunters are weird.” “True dat,” Max had laughed. They were all weirdos. But Max loved them anyway. He loved his weird shadowhunters. (The domesticity lf this is killing me in a good way🥺)

“Will you on a date with me? Tomorrow?” Max asked then – because why the hell not. (Hell yeah Max. Go big or go home babe😎)

“This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.” In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that. (I'm already feeling his chaotic ass will do something like Magnus did, but lets keep hope)

"Maybe Lexi and Liv would probably enjoy a date – a fake date - in the arcade." Could I be more in love with both of them?? Is that physically possible?? 💙

Elyaas giving Max dating advice!! Lmaooo 😂😂

"His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice. But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages."  YOU LIL SHIT. YOU ARE NOT WRONG THO...

FUCK. An attack??

You lil shit Max.

Yep, Rafael has to deal with it everyday 😂

OOMG YESS. THE ALIANCE RUNE!!

"So, when he got tired, he would simply fix the problem by eating. It was a win-win to be honest." I feel like I should say something, but tbh it makes sense

Ok, this fight is intense

Wait. Anjali is there???  What?

Oh ok, it wasn’t

“Say the thing!”Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.” I'm dead 😂

THAT SCENE WAS EVERYTHING. LOVE THOSE TWO

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out. “Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.” “Asshole,” Max laughed and punched his brother.

“Text dad we are okay,” Rafael said, slowly recovering. “They will worry.”Max nodded and did that. (This just summ up sibling relationships so well *chef kiss*)

“It can be hard, Max. Bapak and dad…Sometimes I look at them and feel like I will never have what they have.” YUP. THEY HAVE SIBLINGS DYNAMIC. ALSO RAFAEL IS JUST 🥺🥺🥺

David got wounded???

Oh ok. False alarm.

Rafael sat down next to him and put Bapak’s head on his lap, gently massaging it.

“Are you okay?” dad knelt down next to his husband. “Just a little tired,” Bapak replied.A little tired. Max knew Bapak was fucking exhausted."  "Bapak never showed it. He never complained. Max wondered what else he hid away from everyone else." “Okay,” dad whispered and kissed his husband on the head. “Get some rest, my love.” Bapak nodded and closed his eyes as Rafael hummed something softly. (Well, now I'm crying 😭😭)

" His niece found an herbal medication that helps with the pain.” ANJALI!! I LOVE HER💙💙

"Dad finally smiled and went out to the balcony, phone in hand. He seemed to hang out in the balcony a lot lately" No no no. I dont like this. Babe find a better copying mechanism!!

"Bapak smiled then. A brilliant grin. The one dad probably fell in love with." jsyeihdiej I cant🥺💙

"Bapak sniffed when dad sat down next to him and gave him an odd look. But he didn’t say anything." Magnus tell him something. I dont like where this is going😭

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked. “Do not drag me into this!” Bapak protested and dad laughed at that" Ahh yess. Typical family discussions 😂

"David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!” (😂😂 I HONESTLY LAUGHED WAY TO HARD!!)

“Well, no! I don’t want drama. But I want you to be dramatic so I can tell you not to be dramatic!” I would like to say WHAT? but I honestly get it 😂

“Also, we all know you had an embarrassing crush on Uncle Jace growing up,” Rafael snickered. “And you definitely still have a crush on Uncle Jem.” Oh god 😂😂 but I mean... Who doesn't have a crush on Jem?

“Oh yeah?” Max demanded. “Well then let me explain your type. You are probably going to fall for someone who is like a combination of Aunt Izzy and Aunt Lily! Some femme fatale type who is a heartbreaker and looks like a supermodel and-” Boy got it right huh? 😂

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?” “There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!” lmaooo 😂😂

"And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life." I. I have no words

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.” “Not happening,” dad said into his coffee, and Max groaned before walking back into his room. (THAT FAMILY 😂😂)

" I tried to hurt your father once.” OH no, the angst is coming

" He didn’t know about this. He knew about their story. Everyone did. The accords hall kiss. The fight in Edom. The changing of the law. Their love was legendary. Not this!" THIS IS BRINGING BACK SO MANY FLASHBACKS

“All I know is that I was terrified. I love your father. I love Magnus more than anything in the world. And I didn’t want to lose him. And I didn’t know what to do.” 😭😭 NOT AGAIN!!

"When you love someone so much, sometimes you do crazy things.” THIS

" Love had made a fool out of them. Love had made them blind." Yup. tsc: a summary

"When you love someone, you have to be honest with them" And THAT is character development!!

"They called it The Jem effect." I'm using this from now on 😂💙💙

"Uncle Jem was wearing a tank top and and ripped jeans." So its time for SIMP over Jem Carstairs? Okey then.

"In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual." Same here 😂

“MINA! I SWEAR TO LILITH I AM GOING TO GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!” OH MY GOD I LOVE MINA!!

“In my defense, I was busy!!” “Oooo, someone has been getting busy!” Mina WINKED. (You lil shit! I love her 💙)

He didn’t know he could blush!!!

" They had gone to hell and back for Roman. It wouldn’t have been possible if not for Catarina. She was, and always has been, a miracle worker." Again, I love my queen💙💙

“I believe in Mavid supremacy.” ME TOO

"There is something so queer about Ferris wheels!" Someone needed to say this

"They had their own space in the spiral fucking labyrinth. These fucking legends." I BELIEVE IN WARLOCK TEAM SUPREMACY

"But Ragnor had always had a soft spot for Rafael." 🥺🥺

I love my warlock squad so much I cant-

Ragnor is so done😂

“I don’t want to lose him,” Max said it out loud for the first time. “But you will, Max,” Catarina said gently. “Everyone loses people they love. Every day. It’s how life works.” (its to early to be crying)

“Yes, we do,” Ragnor replied. “But it also means we fall in love over and over. Century after century. It’s our blessing.” (these warlocks are just to perfect)

“And that love is going to last for a lifetime,” Tessa said softly. “Can you imagine that? Someone loving you for centuries. Someone remembering you for eternity. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” 🥺🥺

David deserved to be loved like that – endlessly and impossibly. (OK BUT THE PARALLEL)

Tessa should definetly write a guidebook

“Je t’aime à la folie,” Max said.David’s eyes widened. “Vraiment?“ "Je t’aime. Je t’aime de toute mon âme. Je t’aime pour toujours.” ( I literally screamed and woke up my sister, I just love them so much!!!)

"David smiled. The smile Max fell in love with" 🥺🥺

“I know I am not your forever and I am okay with that.” Max bit his lip. “Okay.” “But you are mine,” David said. “You know that, right?” (ksidjdldk its just all this was beautiful!)

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do." (Me as I should be studying 😂)

" And you were just scared. You were just a kid." “I just…I just realized you might not have had that when you were growing up – that there might not have been people you could talk to about these things.” THAT!! LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

"Max pulled him closer and kissed him again. Every kiss a promise. A promise to love. A promise to fight. A promise to survive" I would die for this two

OMG he took him to the Celestial Palace!! Thats so perfect and 🥺🥺

“Oh mon dieu! Ceci est incroyable! Il y a tellement de livres! Oh mon dieu! Je l'aime tellement!”💙💙 Idk how you manage to make me love David even more

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.” David blinked. “You’re joking, right?” “Of course,” Max grinned. His father had actually said that but there was no need to scary poor David any further. (😂😂 Imagine having the Consul as father-in-law, poor David)

“Yeah, not good with words my ass,” Exactly!! They say they are not good with words and procede to recite poetry of their love one??!!

Ughh I love this chapter so much and I loved how they deal with the inmortality thing! I just love when people comunicate and talk to each other! THATS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! And how they didn't repeat Alec and Magnus mistake. I just love it! *chef kiss*

Anyway, this was really long and it took to open notes to fullfill, so i'll just leave💙💙

Bro I just felt like I read the whole chapter again and I am feels. I AM FEELS SEND HELP. Not me catching feels over my own shit lmaooooo.

Thank you so much. I have some work to do and I was like meh and now I have some energy to do it lol. I hope you spend tomorrow studying! You better!! Good luck!

ps - I love you notice the parallels and references. It makes me lil heart go boop!

also why do I feel like y'all are eternally doing exams????

[statticscribbles]

Falling

Summary: Sweet Pea/Reggie Mantle, Bret falls for Sweet Pea and gets kicked out at Jugheads funeral, He complains to reggie, finding out Reggie and Sweet Pea have crushes on each other and makes fun of them, they get together

”Oh no.” Bret hisses under his breath and Donna arches an eyebrow at him.

“What’s going on in your little bisexual head then, which one of the creeps in leather are getting you excited.” Donna drawls and Bret nods towards the tallest one.

“Sweet Pea, second hand to Jones’ good pick, maybe we could use him for.” Donna quiets herself when Bret’s hand clamps down on her shoulder.

“Got it, no messing with the flower gang member.”

Bret’s nervous, he hates how Sweet Pea looks so attractive and how fast he feels like he’s fallen head over heels for him.

“What are you doing here?” Brett can’t hold in the shiver when Sweet Pea snarls at him.

“Just thought I’d see what sort of people Jones had in his corner, clearly not much of anything good.”

Bret’s not really sure what happens next, all he knows is he’s making some other joke and then Sweet Pea is shoving him out and the door is slamming in his face. He turns and walks a little ways away, debating going into Pop’s.

“You lost?” Bret turns surprised to see a guy leaning against the tree, he wonders how long he’d been standing there.

“Nah, just got kicked out.”

“Oh one of the snakes put up their hoods then?”

“Yeah, uh Sweet Pea, he was pretty tall and glared the entire time I was in there.” Bret pretends not to remember Sweet Pea’s name, hoping whoever this guy is that won’t know him.

“Oh yeah Sweet Pea’s pretty intense, he just cares a lot.”

“Seems like he has the hots for Jones. But even I know Jones is with Betty, Sweet Pea wouldn’t stand a chance, besides I think Jones is straight, Sweet Pea just screams repressed gay pansy. That he’s overcompensating with all that leather and glaring.”

“Probably, bet he’s into those super preppy times. I’m Reggie by the way.”

“Ah so like you then? Bet you two would be great together.” Bret means it as an insult but the way Reggie’s face lights up slightly makes him smirk.

“Oh, so you have a crush on him then, well if all that overcompensation is true you should have no problem getting him to take it up the ass.”

Bret thinks maybe he deserved that punch, making fun of the footballer's crush probably wasn’t the best way to go to get him on his side. Of course Sweet Pea has to come outside, drawn by the noise and the scream Bret won’t admit he made.

“You two assholes deserve each other.” Bret snarls, letting Donna help him up and shifting so he’s standing behind her, holding his still bleeding nose.

”God Bret you really can’t do anything right, can you. We should just leave.” Donna nods mostly to herself and Bret follows her off.

“Sorry about that…” Reggie shrugs to Sweet Pea who just shakes his head.

“No problem, I don’t mind you taking the punch I wanted to give him.”

“Well I feel a little bad, about you not getting to hit him.”

“Buy me Pop’s and we’ll call it even.”

“Oh my god yes! Fangs you owe me twenty!!!!” Toni grins, and Sweet Pea casts an annoyed look to her.

“Was there a bet I missed? I want in..” Reggie grins leaning forward as Sweet Pea sits next to Toni.

“Nothing.” Sweet Pea glares at Toni.

“We had a bet going to see how long it would take both of you to confess your crushes on each other and get together.”

“Oh you have a crush on me?” Sweet Pea grins at Reggie who flushes.

“Well you have a crush on me.” He mumbles back and Sweet Pea nods.

“Yeah, I thought I was being obvious with the flirting but I guess I should ramp it up.”

“You’ve been flirting with me?”

“Have been for the past month, thanks for noticing.”

Support My Writing?

[twokinkybeans]

Stark On Ice: Starker Figure Skating AU Chapter 1

Summary: Six months ago, the broadcasters asked Tony to participate in Celebrity Spin-Off; an annual TV series where celebrities get paired up with a professional figure skater and compete against each other. Well, he’d laughed in their faces, wondering why they’d even ask. Were they really that stupid? He had better things to do. “If you can find me a male skater who lets me lead, I’m in,” he’d scoffed sarcastically to brush them off.

He didn't expect them to take his answer seriously.

Masterpost (to be posted) Find On AO3

---

Chapter One: Let Me Entertain You Tony readjusts his jacket as he walks into the large building that is the Midtown Ice Arena. It’s a few minutes before 7 AM, and he already downed a triple espresso on his way here - amusedly ignoring Happy’s complaints about it being so damn early. He will give the man a raise soon. Tony can’t say he’s a morning person, but having to get up this early every single day for three months in a row helps to get used to it. Today is different, though. He feels jittery and on-edge just thinking about today’s events. It’s the final rehearsal. Tonight he’s going to skate in front of the entirety of the States. He knows many people won’t even bother to watch the TV series, but the idea has him slightly nauseous anyway. His first live show…

Live show.

Tony chuckles sarcastically at himself as he sits down on one of the benches in the changing room. Live show. Six months ago, the broadcasters asked him to participate in Celebrity Spin-Off; an annual TV series where celebrities get paired up with a professional figure skater and compete against each other. Well, he’d laughed in their faces, wondering why they’d even ask. Were they really that stupid? He had better things to do. “If you can find me a male skater who lets me lead, I’m in,” he’d scoffed sarcastically to brush them off. 

He’s still not sure why they took his answer seriously, but they had. Tony Stark doesn’t back out of a promise, though. So, here he is, lacing up his skates after three months of intensive training, ready to work through his choreo together with his assigned partner Peter Parker. From what Tony’s heard, Peter is a pretty big deal in the skating world. He’s a sweet, enthusiastic 21-year-old who has enough talent and skill in pair skating to participate in the Olympics, yet he’d chosen not to. Instead, he tours across the US with Stars On Ice, coaches young kids at Midtown, and has a YouTube channel where he and his partner MJ post routines with traditional gender roles reversed.  Tony admires Peter’s passion. The man doesn’t like other people very fast, but Peter was something else entirely. He’s endearing in a way. It’s easy to like him. Which, thank god, is a positive thing. They’ve had to train together for a minimum of eighteen hours for the past three months - both on ice and off. Tony had been surprised to see that the theory classes and off-rink practice were just as important.

When Tony finishes lacing up his skates he walks towards the rink, finally knowing how to do that without looking like a waddling duck. A smile creeps onto his face when he spots his partner on the ice already. The boy moves around ever so graciously, practicing his triple axel. A few days prior, Peter told him he hadn’t done it in a while, and he and MJ intend to use it in their new YouTube tutorial, so he’s been wanting to perfect his landing. It’s not like he pops it, but the boy isn’t content very easily. Tony enjoys watching him rehearse no matter how he lands. He’s so beautiful out there. Like he was born to skate. After landing perfectly three times, Peter slows down to give himself a short break, and that’s when he spots Tony at the entrance. The man waves awkwardly and Peter grins. “Mornin’, grumpy-head!” Peter laughs as he skates towards him.  “Well, look at you. Always a beaming ray of sunshine, aren’t ya?” “You know me too well, Mr. Stark. Hope you didn’t forget to apply your sunscreen today!” Peter jokes, jumping off the ice to give Tony a short hug. Tony hates to admit he likes that Peter greets him like that every single day. The boy isn’t scared of him, unlike most other people. Another reason why Tony likes him. He grunts as a response to the joke and nudges Peter. “Think it’s time to start training. Steve here yet?” Tony asks, looking around to see if he spots their coach. Peter shakes his head. “No, his car broke down a few blocks from Midtown, he’ll be here soon enough. Let’s start warming up so we can dive right into the sequence when he gets here.” “Yes, coach.”

-

“Why- Why do these outfits have to be so glittery,” Tony jests as he eyes himself in the mirror. He’s wearing a tight and stretchy black button-up with thick, gold seams and shiny gold beads all over it. Thank god his pants are a simple plain black. Peter is adjusting his hair right next to him. The metallic gold tee hugs the boy’s skin so incredibly tight that Tony can’t help his gaze from wandering down a little, peeking at the boy’s gorgeous abs. Peter grins as he follows Tony’s gaze. “Well, I guess that’s why,” Peter retorts, and Tony blushes. He sniffs, staring at his own reflection again. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Says the man who asked for a male partner. I still don’t-” “Oh shush,” Tony cuts him off playfully and waves his hand in the air. Peter simply chuckles and finishes styling his curls. They’re silent for a moment and Tony’s thoughts wander. He hadn’t meant to stare like that. Yes, he was bisexual but that doesn’t mean he liked Peter like that. They were already making headlines on entertainment websites. He can’t even imagine what’d happen if they’d actually feel something for each other. That’d be insane and highly unprofessional. The kid is too young, and- No. Tony doesn’t even have to make excuses for himself. Peter is nice. That’s it. 

Thinking about them making the news doesn’t exactly settle his nerves. People are interested in them. Tony Stark on skates must be high-end entertainment for many people in itself, but the fact that they’re a male couple… He knows the public’s eye is on them tonight. “So tell me, kid. How does one contain nerves for a show, uh?” Tony asks, trying to keep it casual but failing massively. A gentle smile tugs on Peter’s lips. “Experience. Trusting yourself,” he starts. “You know, Tony. You won’t be flawless tonight. But that’s okay, remember? No one will be. Flawless is not what we aim for. Chemistry. Engaging the public, and-” “-just having fun on the ice,” Tony finishes for him with a nod. Peter has told him this many times before, but the reminder does settle his nerves. Tony’s a beginner, but he’s got the name and his charm. And Peter... They’ve got a pretty good shot. “Exactly. Now, tell me- what are you most nervous about?” “Honestly?” “Well, yes.” “Dropping you.” Peter sighs and takes a step closer to Tony.  “You won’t. You’ve only dropped me once, and I wasn’t even hurt. Even if it were to happen, I know how to take a fall. We’ll be alright. You’re one of the best skaters in this competition. You’re gonna ace this.” “Thank you, Pete. Hey, for what it counts, I’m glad you’re my skating partner.” “And I’m glad you’re mine.”

-

Tony’s throat is dry, his heart beating rapidly in his chest when his fingers tangle into Peter’s. The boy is so close to him, just like during practice. It grounds him. The floor manager smiles at them. “Good luck out there, you ready for it?” Tony nods, his lips pressed together in a thin line. Smile. He should smile. Peter squeezes his hands once and Tony takes a deep breath. He’s got this. They’ve got this. The floor manager signals, “-Standing by…” Oh, God. This is it. Tony sniffs. His hands feel sweaty, his stomach knots together once more. As much as he appears to be comfortable in public, the moment right before always has him on edge. Any moment now. His gaze focused on the floor manager. Waiting for her cue.  “And go!”

Tony forces his most charming smile on his face when he skates forward in unison with Peter, the cheers of the audience enveloping him. They stop in the center of the rink and he guides Peter in front of him. The boy’s arms are crossed in front of his chest. Tony puts a hand on Peter’s right shoulder. It’s quiet for a second, but then the familiar tune starts playing and Tony licks his lips. Peter smirks, pushing his skates into the ice to circle around the man, Tony’s gaze tracking him until he’s in front once again.

Hell is gone and heaven’s here There’s nothing left for you to fear Shake your arse come over here Now scream 

Peter twirls and presses into Tony’s side. They grin at each other and skate forward, towards the edge of the rink. Tony’s nerves finally settle when he focuses on just how smooth Peter glides over the ice. The loud music cuts off the sounds of their blades crushing the frozen surface beneath them, but Tony hears it in his mind instead. He knows exactly where to turn, where to move. Peter sends him a little nod right before they go into the crossovers. Tony doesn’t like crossovers all that much, it makes him feel stiff and uncoordinated. Yet, somehow his body seems to do it on autopilot today, simply mimicking Peter’s lead. 

I’m a burning effigy Of everything I used to be You’re my rock of empathy, my dear

Tony feels powerful in a way, his movements loosening up with every passing second. It’s time for their waltz jump. He turns around to transition into backward crosscuts and then shifts his weight from the right outer edge to the left one, throwing his right leg up in front. He gasps when he feels how smoothly he lifts off the ice. He’s flying through the air, weightless, and a quick glance confirms that Peter is too. When his right foot hits the ice again, he bends his right knee and extends his left leg behind him. The applause envelopes him like a warm blanket and the adrenaline coursing through his veins is an exhilarating sensation. He did it. He did it!

So come on let me entertain you Let me entertain you Let me entertain you

Tony turns around again to find Peter skating in his direction with a proud and goofy grin on his face. Tony’s heart leaps out of his chest when he realizes his partner is just as impressed as he is. Their hands find each other as they increase their speed to make it through another set of crossovers. Tony doesn’t even worry about them anymore at this point. Everything is just fucking amazing. 

Let me entertain you Let me entertain you (let me entertain you) So come on let me entertain you (let me entertain you) Let me entertain you (let me entertain you)

Tony takes a deep breath when he realizes it’s time for their lift. He sets off for his continuous three turns and feels how Peter starts leaning into him. The man prepares for the boy to jump up from the ice gracefully. When Peter does so, he easily catches him and they spin into their rotational lift. Tony loves this one - loves to have Peter in his arms bridal style while spinning around and around and around while remembering his words. Don’t be afraid of the speed. Stalling is falling. Tony doesn’t feel like they’re falling. No, it feels like they’re floating, setting off for space.

Come on come on come on come on Come on come on come on come on Come on come on come on come on

Peter moves slightly, indicating it’s time for Tony to help him back down again. They transition into forward strokes toward the center once more and slow down. Their arms are spread wide proudly. Peter then circles Tony just like he did in the beginning, leaning into Tony’s side when the music comes to an end. He can’t help wrapping an arm around him to pull him in closer, bathing in the applause and the cheers that are thrown their way. Oh my god. They pulled it off. He can’t believe they did it. Of course, he doesn’t have Peter’s finesse but fuck. As Peter would say, they aced it. Together. 

---

Next Chapter: To Be Posted

[whatwouldmindykdo]

I wrote a little something about coming to terms with my sexuality and thought I’d share it here...

For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamt of my wedding day. As soon as I was able to comprehend the concept of wedding and marriage it became my only goal, my ultimate achievement: I wanted, I needed to get married. This would make me successful and prove my worthiness. I would be happy forever. And so, for years, I’d spend hours imagining the magical day: the dress, of course, and its designer, the venue, the guests, the music, the menu, the bridal party, the decor. And of course, the groom. Because it was always a groom. However, I would find it extremely difficult to imagine him. I could think of qualities I would look for in a partner, but that was it. Looking back now, I think that, more than any of these things, what I dreamt of was being loved and being in love. I was just hoping to find the kind of unconditional love I grew up surrounded by. Not a person but a feeling. An ideal. 

I grew up in what you would probably call a liberal family. My parents are very open-minded, left-wing voters and I grew up having political debates at the dinner table. But it was always about tolerance. Every love is love, they would say. Everyone deserves to be happy, they would say.

This, however, was not true for them growing up. Both my parents grew up in working class families and worked their way into the middle class. As liberal as my parents are, their own parents were rather conservative in thought. 

My father’s parents had grown up on farms. Their own parents, my great-grandparents, lived a life I cannot even begin to comprehend. After the Second World War, as life was changing everywhere, and especially in the countryside, my grandparents left for the city (well, a city, not THE city) to work in factories. They were deeply religious and my father was raised a Catholic. However, he also enjoyed great freedom. He was free to come and go, almost as he wished, to play with his brother and friends. He was free not to work in school, drop out after middle school and go on to work with his father. Which he did, for a while, until he realized he didn’t want to do that his entire life. In other words, he was free to fail, and try again. Would it had been the same thing had he been a girl? We will never know, as he was one of two boys. 

My mother, on the other hand, was not. Her grandparents had been mining workers, as almost everyone in the area. Her own parents had been saved from this life, and pushed to look for work in other industries. They had married young and my mother was the eldest of two. Her parents were heavily involved in political and union movements, pushing for workers’ rights. This gave her an awareness of the political situation and an ideal of what is achievable when you work for it. My mother, however, is also a woman. And as such, her parents expected her to behave a certain way. 

She was expected to be the perfect little girl. Calm, pretty, smiling. Not to take too much space. Do well in school. Be polite. And so my mother tried her best to be this ideal girl. She excelled in school, practiced many sports, and took it upon herself to keep the family together and happy. She eventually went on to work and had to move out to another city, but always close to family as she was sharing an apartment with her aunt. When she found another job closer to her parents, she moved back home. Eventually, she met my father. They dated for a couple of years, but moving in together was unfathomable. Not before marriage. And that’s how my parents ended up married without having ever lived together, something I honestly find quite hard to imagine. Her brother, on the other hand, lived a life closer to my dad’s. He could not roam the streets or drop out of school but he did leave high school without graduating, moving out to work away and never looked back. He introduced many girlfriends to his parents before eventually having a child and getting married, in that order. 

My parents would probably tell you that they raised me and my brother the same way. That not more was expected of me. That I could do the exact same thing he did. And to some extent that is true. We were both expected to excel in school. To be polite and respectful. We were both told we could dream of being whoever we wanted to be. But what had been instilled to my mother was also, somehow, perhaps more sneakily, taught to me. I also had to be the perfect little girl, no excuses. The one that doesn’t move. The one that doesn’t scream or make a scene. The one that helps at home. As Michelle Cliff says in Notes on Speechlessness, ‘I am reminded that a great compliment of my childhood was: ‘she’s such a quiet girl’’.

Instead of rebelling against this system I made it mine: it was my way of taking up space. My way of being remarkable. I was expected to excel at school: I was top of the class. I was expected to be calm and discreet: I would literally never speak. Even today it takes a lot for me to be able to do things I know my parents disapprove. Because I have built myself through others’ approval, and then who am I once they don’t approve? 

What does that have to do with being a lesbian, you may wonder. See, I knew about lesbians. I knew about gays. It was not entirely unknown to me. I saw them on the news, we talked about them at home. But no one in my family was gay, lesbian or part of the LGBTQI+ community, at least not openly. That was not what we did. As much as my family rebelled against capitalistic society, we were expected to conform in certain areas, and this was one. We, as a family, are heterosexuals. And so I unconsciously associated being a good girl to being heterosexual. 

I don’t remember the first time I heard of the LGBTQI+ community, nor do I remember the first time I had a crush on a girl. I am quite sure she was my primary school best friend. I very clearly remember wondering whether I was in love with her or whether that was just how you felt for your best friend (hint: I kinda knew the answer). And so, little me moved on with life. Eventually the feeling wore out, and there was a very intense and dramatic fall out. But that was it, no more questions about my sexuality. Not until I was well into my teenage years, at least. When I made it to university I had began what I would call my transformative journey, learning extensively about feminism, inclusivity and human rights. I was passionate about these subjects and wanted to learn more, and more. I surrounded myself with people who were open-minded, teaching me about these very topics, and, for some of them, part of the LGBTQI+ community. At about this time I began identifying as pansexual or bisexual. I have never been really sure about this. There was no major coming out though. I just stated here and there that I thought love was about a person and their soul, not their gender. Even though I was identifying as pansexual / bisexual, the doubt never really left. I felt ill-at-ease with the identification. Maybe I’m not into labels, I’d think. Maybe. 

Deep down, I knew. I think I’d always known. I would get major crushes on women in films and TV shows. Maybe that’s just identification. I could hardly imagine being in a relationship with a man. Maybe I just haven’t met THE one. I would feel uncomfortable whenever a man flirted with me. Maybe I’m just not into him. 

I just couldn’t imagine being a lesbian. And that’s not to say that I could fathom the very existence of lesbians. I knew they existed, I had a friend as they say. I truly believed that all love is love. What I couldn’t accept was that I was a lesbian. How could I not like men? Good girls like men. Good girls are straight. Good girls get married TO A MAN, and have children WITH A MAN. No way. I must be pansexual. Or bisexual. Not lesbian. 

Funnily enough, the pandemic was a big transitional time for me. I was able to truly connect with myself. Away from the world and the mundanities of everyday life, focusing on what really matters for the first time, I came to a realization. I do not like men. I do not find pleasure in imagining a relationship with a man. This realization was validated by experience. I signed up on a dating app (what??? I know, don’t judge). My immediate reaction was to set up my preferences to women  only (that should have been another hint right?!). However, almost immediately I changed those preferences to everyone (men and women). Why? Because, I thought, by excluding men I might miss out on the one (he’s always somewhere). What if I miss on the opportunity of happily ever after because I renounce to dating half of humanity? And oh boy did I regret that. I was instantly contacted by half the male population of my surroundings (the joys of being on a dating app) and it really felt like it was not for me. I was feeling miserable rather than happy, anxious rather than excited. I switched back to women only and I have felt safer and more myself ever since. 

I guess you could say that I have been feeling rather at peace with who I am. I have come out to a few (selected) friends, in the least dramatic way possible (well, they also are the least dramatic women I know). There remains the question, however, of coming out to family. Because although I have come to term with being a lesbian, I am still scared AF when it comes to coming out to my family and the main reason is: what if I am not lesbian after all (eye roll emoji)? The real reason, though, is that I know that as open-minded as my parents are, a coming out also means a period of adaptation, of understanding what it means exactly. And for someone like me who hates both confrontation and disappointing this feels like a big deal. Selfishly, I wish someone had been there before in my family. That I would not be the first. The trailblazer. The odd one out. The lesbian aunt. But then, I think of my little cousins. And how I could be that person for them. If I allow myself past the fear. 

Thing is, I also truly believe that I will not be able to be fully happy until I come out. I will not be truly happy until I can be who I am fully, knowing that the people who accept it are the ones who love me, for real. But what if that means losing my grandfather? What if it means that people will literally never stop talking about it? 

As much as I have talked about the hardships of coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality, I will also mention that coming to terms with this reality has been a huge relief. It has opened me to a world where love and inclusion are legion. A world where you are accepted for who you truly are. It has given me role models, values and a political awareness that I probably would not have had otherwise. In other words, being lesbian is a blessing because it is who I am, fully. And when I get to be this person, I can finally start to breathe. I can finally start to live. 

My problem lies with mainstream culture and the way it portrays lesbian relationships. I have grown up with the ability of seeing gay couples loving each other, hating each other, flirting, breaking up. Mainstream media and popular culture have very much romanticized gay relationships. What of lesbian relationships then? The reality is completely different. And how could it not be when Instagram still censored the ‘lesbians’ hashtag two weeks ago? When we only have The L Word as a reference? Where on TV and in films have lesbians been given the space and time to actually develop a relationship except in that show? And I’m not even talking about the perfect, happy relationship. Just any relationship. More than 3 minutes of screen time. You’ll have to agree that this is rather recent. 

How different would my life have been if I had seen lesbian couples on TV? How different would my life have been if people had not shied away from lesbian relationships? It is time for pop culture to be inclusive of our people. Little girls need this representation. They need to know that this kind of love exists, is normal, and brings fulfillment. I wish this had been my reality so that I wouldn’t have been mad when Casey from Atypical dumps her boyfriend to explore her relationship with Izzie. Because then perhaps I wouldn’t have been mad at her for doing that. I wouldn’t have been mad at Izzie for being honest. Because that is how deeply rooted my fear of being a lesbian was: I was mad at these two women for having the courage to explore their feelings and be true to themselves, when Casey could have had the perfect ending with Evan. And that is not ok. I need to let go of the idea that the perfect life means being in a heterosexual relationship. Because I know that this is not for me. This will not bring me fulfillment. 

[monkberries]

Isn't it interesting how the effect Paul had on the average girl was exactly the same kind of bewitching power John seemed to have over straight men? Have you noticed how every guy who met John for two seconds seemed mesmerized and willing to risk it all for him?

Many hid their attraction behind a "man crush" but the terms they use to describe their encounters with John or his appearance are decidedly romantic or just plain sexual. Sometimes I'm really sorry that John didn't get to explore his sexuality enough as a bisexual man, because he really was the "bad guy" who could seduce your dad type.

I often think about someone like Harry Nilsson. For a straight, married man, he surely couldn't get enough of touching John. There are tons of pictures of his roaming hands all over the guy during the Lost Weekend. Then his kid turns up on twitter saying this:

"When Dad first met John Lennon in 1968, they stayed up all night talking. Dad remembered how it made him feel: “My God, this is it! This is right. This is truthful. This is good. This is honest. This is exciting. It’s inspirational".

Sounds like someone had just met the boy he was going to marry, eh? I doubt he wouldn't jump in bed with John for a night or two if only he had said the word. And so would many other famous men. And those are the straights. The queer ones were equally keen. Mick, Elton and David? I hope John tapped at least one them because they were all for it.

Important to note how most of these guys tended to be very anti-Paul. I think it was a typical case of romantic jealousy. It was as if all of their love/attention/friendship/desire for John wasn't enough because there was this fucking guy they couldn't compete with. So they'd slag him off.

Maybe it's because post 1969 John really exuded this very sexy femme-y energy. It's the one thing that he really turns me on about him, as a girl who grew up crushing on glam rock types. He looked like he'd be the hottest pillow prince and I think many of these men picked up his vibe, in ways that made them super confused. Am I out of line here?

Goodness gracious

Yeah, John definitely had Something that attracted men specifically. There does seem to be this almost mystical hold he had over a lot of the men that he knew, right? He seems to have been the type of person who, when his attention was on you, it was ON YOU, and he could intuitively create a space extremely quickly in which a virtual stranger would feel as though they’d known John deeply, and John had known them deeply, for years. That combined with his intelligence and often total openness/heart-on-his-sleeve disposition could make speaking with him and being with him very intense. I imagine this was a shock for a lot of men in the 60s and 70s, a time when emotional repression was the norm for them. It’s like... this is a weird analogy, but it’s like a character in a TV show that just needs a hug for god’s sake, only they don’t know it, and when someone (John) finally gives them one, that character’s emotional walls are totally torn down and they are instantly, completely devoted.

I do know what you mean by the sexy femme-y energy, but he was also attracting men like this even before 69 (I’m thinking about how Larry Kane talks about him sometimes, for example). It may have been a factor for some of them, but I think it’s also likely that it was just an innate trait that John always had.

I don’t know about the anti-Paul part of it, though, mostly because I have no conception of how any of those people (Mick, David, Elton, Harry, etc.) feel/felt about Paul; my classic rock knowledge basically starts and ends with the bug boys themselves, ha. 

I have no basis for this theory except my own intuition about how people work, but it could be, especially in the 70s, that when John would talk about Paul with people, it would often be with a negative connotation. So, as you do when your friend is talking shit about someone you don’t know, you side with your friend and start thinking about that person with your friend’s bias as a starting point. But what that starting point obscures is the love John truly had for Paul. It obscures the fact that if you said those things about Paul, John would have hit you. And perhaps there is a bit of disbelief that Paul could have let someone as special as your friend John get away, and jealousy when you do eventually realize that John does still love Paul and will never not love him, despite all the shit John has talked about Paul to you.

[faecaptainofdreams]

I do not own Marvel. Yes, Wade drew this with crayon. Marvel HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… Peter HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… Wade HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… If you don't like this ship i don't care. Don't talk to me about it, find something you do enjoy. If you're into it, then thanks for stopping by! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- TW: strong language, mature themes ~~Humble Start~~ When Peter was 19, he met 25-year-old Wade in January when the merc was teaming up with the Avengers to help him find his target, who happened to be involved in something the Avengers were trying to undo. When the men first shook hands and Peter introduced himself, he removed his mask, to which Wade suddenly replied "Hot DAMN! What are you, a Disney prince?!" Peter, startled, backed away, and Tony urged Peter to put his mask back on. As it was, Spiderman and Deadpool got along. Before they all parted ways (with the problem resolved and Deadpool having gotten his man), the latter thought it might be fun to pop in once in a while and visit the Avengers. While the others drily insisted that he don't do that, Spidey thought Deadpool could be a potentially good friend. Despite Tony's aversion to it, Peter gave Wade his number and suggested they hang out sometime. Wade showed up a couple weeks later after having texted Peter off and on. Still shy about his appearance and preferring to not be seen at a lower profile, he came to the facility wearing fingerless gloves, concealing clothing, and his Deadpool mask. After he and Peter hung out the first couple of times, the younger of them asked if Wade would let him see his face. With lots of self-deprecating jokes, Wade said no. Sometimes Peter would go meet up with Wade and go mess around with him, and soon enough he introduced the assassin to his friends, Ned and MJ. They all talked to each other regularly, forming a tight little friend group. Wade sometimes felt like he didn't belong with them, like he was too old to be their friend, but they all had the same childish sense of humor. And given how intelligent the younger trio was, they felt mature to him. Many times, Wade forgot that he was older, even if it was only by a couple of years. As months passed, the Avengers got used to Wade's presence and didn't take much issue with Peter hanging out with him. It was innocent (although Tony loathed the sex jokes and vulgarity, especially when it was directed at his boy). It was clear that Peter had a vastly different moral compass and a much more sensible head on his shoulders, and was not going to be influenced by Wade's mercenary ways. He was trusted with the friendship. ~~The Crush~~ Wade fancied Peter from the start. The second the mask had come off, Wade was smitten, but he figured it would go away or just stay stagnant. He'd been attracted to and thirsted after people loads of times (hence all his sexual escapades), but he was never the settle-down type. He joked about Peter being attractive and sexy and made all kinds of quips, but given he was so crass by nature, Peter never took it too seriously. He did believe Wade thought he was attractive, but he knew he was like this with multiple people and figured it was harmless. Which it was, but he didn't understand that it was serious. The more Wade stuck around and the more he got to know the Spiderman, the more his feelings grew. He eventually had to face facts and accept that he didn't just like Peter for his body -- he liked his character. The boy was an absolute magnet; bright and sunny, happy, forgiving, generous, kind, merciful, hilarious, intelligent, and non-judgmental. He was the ultimate package. Wade also knew he was bisexual and knew that if he really worked up to it, asking Peter out wasn't out of the question or too far-fetched. What was far-fetched, to his mind, was the idea that Peter would ever say "yes." And even if he did say yes, was that fair to the Ironman's golden child? Wade was a self-sustaining disaster with baggage so heavy even Spiderman couldn't pick it up. As far as he was concerned, it was best to keep his feelings to himself and spare Peter the misery. What he didn't realize was Peter was starting to notice him, too. By Autumn, Wade sorely opened up to Weasel about his feelings. ---        "Ew, do you like...love him?" "Maybe."        "Gross. What are you gonna do?" Wade shrugged. "Nothing, same as usual. He doesn't need my insanity in his life, he's too kind and innocent."        "But you wanna fuck him, right? Maybe just try to do that." "No, Jesus! Are you even listening? Peter's not that kind of guy, and even if he was into it, I can't take advantage of him like that." Weasel's face scrunched in mild disgust.        "God, you have it bad for him..." "Yeah. It's like, he's a total bro, but fuckable. He's soft but strong, masculine but feminine, fierce but graceful."        "   " "He's the kind of guy you take on like fifteen dates, buy flowers and candy, get one of those stupid little Hallmark cards with some sappy bullshit saying how much the sender loves him. Then, you fuck him. Not at your place, but at his place, so he's more comfortable, and only after you've made him spaghetti and chocolate-covered strawberries, by candle light. You fuck gently. Passionately, but with strength, but you don't wanna hurt him. But he's secretly a sex tiger under the sheets, and it kinda scares you, but you love it, but you're still afraid to fuck him any other way than gently."        "I feel like this is a fantasy you've had for a while." "No, of course not."        "So...he's your friend, you want to fuck him, but you don't wanna just fuck him because that would be taking advantage of him. Because you'd rather have a relationship with him, but you don't wanna have a relationship with him because you think he deserves better, but you're gonna keep hanging out with him and torture yourself. Is that... I mean, am I close?" "Like a Hawkeye arrow through a nutsack with a target drawn on it."        "Ow. I think my left testicle just rose back inside of me in fear." "Balls are very perceptive."        "Okay, well here's my advice." Wade learned forward.        "... You're fucked." "Thanks, I totally needed help figuring that out."        "Who is the guy, anyway?" "...Peter Parker..."        "Pete-- like Spiderman Peter Parker?" "Yup."        "How the fuck...?" "I know."        "I feel like I saw his face on the news last year when he got all discovered, but I don't remember. You got a picture?" "Yeah," Wade grumbled while reaching in his pocket for his phone.       "Heh, 'course you do, you sick-o." After glaring at his friend, Wade pulled up a picture of Peter and zoomed in on his smiling face.       "WHOA, holy MOSES, that guy is good looking!" "I know."        "He looks like a stallion and a buck had sex with an Irish setter!" "Yeah, told ya. Fierce, but graceful."        "I've always been a pussy-man, but I gotta say... He's making me question my sexuality." "He has that affect on people."        "That is MAJORLY out of your league." "Thank you." Wade put his phone away.       "How old is he?" "Nineteen."        "Whoooa, a little on the young side, huh?" "Just a little, but he's mature for his age."        "..." "...That sounded a little creepy, I take that back." --- Wade began an off-and-on effort of keeping Peter at arm's length. He went through periods of texting and hanging out with him less, but whenever it was clear that Peter could tell something was up, he snapped back into the picture. He couldn't bear to make Peter worry or feel as though he'd done something wrong. This went on for a couple of months. Peter too, was beginning to feel a little bit of romantic sting. Wade hooked up with a couple of people over the months, including Vanessa. There was a brief period where the two of them copulated like rabbits, and that was with the ex-prostitute knowing that Wade had feelings for someone. In the merc's mind, maybe he could get his needs out of his system, but it didn't work. If anything, he felt emptier after each fling. Peter was attracted to Wade before he even realized he was. Always seeking him out, making sure their friendship was solid, feeling a constant need to have a hand on him in one way or another. He also played into some of Wade's lewd jokes and would tease him. Then there was the dancing and singing, of course, which only got more intense as time went on (a natural instinct of the jumping spider to try and woo a mate through display). Tony and Steve began to notice the men getting closer, and Tony was very unhappy. Steve convinced him to stay quiet and let Peter figure it out. In late Fall, Peter turned 20. Wade was there for his party, as were Ned and MJ. It was a lot of fun! Come December, Wade turned 26. He'd tried another couple of times to get away from Peter again, but the boy wouldn't let him go. They were like a binary system of stars, unable to pull away from each other, constantly drawn back into one another's path by an unseen force. For how long could this go on before they collided? And when they did, would they blow up and break apart, or make one bigger, more beautiful star? ~~Spoken Interest~~ By January, Peter came to terms with his own crush, and secretly told Ned about it. For the next month and a half, the boys gabbed about it, and Ned found it adorable and kind of funny. Peter said he wanted to ask Wade out, but was nervous that Wade wouldn't be interested. "Well you're not gonna know unless you ask," said Ned. Peter flirted a little more with Wade, but it mostly came across awkwardly. It basically felt like he was just humiliating himself over and over again, but Wade was noticing the difference in him. Regardless, he tried to respect the space, and refused to give himself up. In February, Peter asked Wade to hang out with him at a park somewhere and "people watch," since Wade enjoyed that activity. He felt it would be a nice, serene setting to keep Wade's attention and finally admit his feelings. He told Ned about his plan; the latter was exhilarated at the thought, and said he'd be standing by. Peter put on a warm but nice outfit and drove off to their spot to talk. Even though it was casual as always, they could both sense tension. They sat and chatted for a while, and with a racing heart, Peter finally found the right moment to confess. ---        "Hey, so... I've kinda been wanting to talk to you about something." "Hamburgers."        "I... What?" "Hamburgers! They're weird, right? I mean, ham comes from pigs, and beef comes from cows. Hamburgers are made with cow meat, but we call them ham-burgers." Wade threw his hands up, head rolling about. "The fuck is up with that??"        "O-oh, hah, I guess it sounds more appealing than...beef...burgers...?" Wade nodded thoughtfully. "Hm. Yeah, sounds kinda naughty." Peter could hear Wade's grin, and he stifled a laugh. His own smile was more earnest, but his desire flitted behind it. "Like beef curtain, or beef stick--"        "Wade." "Yeah?"        "Look, um..." He turned to face his company better, now getting nervous.       "You and I are...really good friends, right?" "Why yes, broski dear."        "Hah, well... It's just... Ahh, I don't wanna say anything and...mess that up." "...Well, what do you wanna say...?" There was a long silence.        "...Okay -- okay, total honesty... Wade, I..." He drew in a deep breath.       "I like you..." They stared at each other. After a long silence, the older male playfully slapped Peter's arm. "I like you too, beef buddy! ... Yikes, wow, see? Beef is just a naughty word." Peter blinked, thoughts spinning in his head a mile a minute. Wade knew what he really meant, but he couldn't begin to believe that in its suddenness. He was bracing for Peter to call him out on his own crush and possibly disown him, but this threw him for a loop.        "N... N-no, no Wade, I mean... I like you...as more than a buddy, or a bro..." He swallowed.       "Or a friend..." He rubbed his hands together, slowly and tensely, brown orbs wide while looking at Wade. The cold white eyes of Wade's mask pierced back at him. "...Oh..."        "A-and... I just thought, m-maybe, if...you don't think it's weird, or if -- I don't know, if maybe you liked me too, we could...date...?" There was another long pause. This time, Wade understood for certain. When he looked forward to contemplate, stunned expression hidden by the mask, Peter looked off and around, his heart sinking. There were times when Wade was genuinely difficult to read, and this was one of them. Wade was getting his wish, it was like the start of his fantasy had come true! All he had to do was agree to it. "Uh, I don't think we should do that." He regretted it the second he said it. Peter felt his heart drop, and his face begin to turn red with shock and embarrassment.        "Oh," he croaked while looking down at his lap. Wade's answer stunned him. When the merc spoke, he tried to bring it back to a place of casualty in the hopes of removing the heavy feeling from the air. "Look, don't get me wrong, you've heard me talk about ya. You're precious, and I'd be beside myself to fuck your brains out." Peter almost smiled, but the desperation for answers overpowered the natural response to do so. Wade continued. "But you're romantic, you need stability. I'm a one-night stand kind of guy, friends-with-benefits and all that. You're not really about that life, right? I mean, come on. You wouldn't sleep with me without getting to know me, right?" Peter swallowed something dry and thick. Looking away, the hope for this to go anywhere withdrew from his gaze, and he shook his head.        "No..." Even Wade was at a loss for words for a moment. He may have turned his head away, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see Peter's heart breaking. He saw his red cheeks, his pinkish eyes. He could feel the sadness, and a lot of it was coming from himself, too. But he pulled it together again and lightly slapped the back of his hand against Peter's shoulder. "Eyyy, come on, this doesn't change anything, right? We're still pals." Peter quickly nodded. He was polite as ever, but the sensation that he had just gotten hit by a train was easy to read.       "No -- yeah, yeah yeah yeah, it's -- it's just... It's a little embarrassing, aha, I mean... You know, I..." "Nah, it's not so bad. It's adorable! Like I said, doesn't change a thing. Now when we get past this, I can tease you about thinking I'm a hot piece of ass." Peter did finally crack a small, broken smile and shook his head. He was glad that Wade wanted to be friends, but the damage was done. "...I mean you still wanna be friends, right?"        "Absolutely! I just... It's kind of a hard pill to swallow..." "Yeah, I know. You put yourself out there, then get shot down..." With genuine remorse and a strong but hidden wave of self-loathing, Wade laid a hand on Peter's shoulder. "I'm sorry." Peter nodded again and closed his eyes. He felt emotional, but why? Did it really mean that much to him? Staying strong, he glanced at Wade, mustering a hurt smile.        "Don't be sorry, you know I prefer honesty. I mean it'd be really stupid to say 'yes' when you don't want that, right?" As if Wade's heart couldn't sink any further. "Yeah..."        "Look man, um... It's -- I'm not like mad or anything, you didn't do anything wrong, but... I think I should go home, and just, like...try to process it--" "Yeah! Nothing wrong with that. I'll give you a couple days to uh...reel."        "Yeah, I think that sounds good." When they rose to their feet, they both chuckled sadly. In their awkwardness, Peter offered his hand to shake, which Wade accepted uneasily, but eventually pulled Peter into a side hug. "It'll be fine, we'll get past it. You take your time."        "K-ay..." With one last hurt smile, Peter left Wade's company. On the way back to his car, he finally let the tears roll. Wade watched him go until his car was out of sight, stunned by his own foolishness. He wasn't stupid; he knew he had made Peter cry. He knew he'd broken his heart, and he hated himself for it. When Wade got to his apartment, he took out his anger on his environment, taking to breaking a lot of things in his living space. --- Peter did his best to get most of his emotions out before he got home, but the sadness and hurt would linger. When he got inside he pretended everything was okay, but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere. Not too long after getting in, he went to his room and called Ned. ---    "Hey, what's up? Did you talk to him?"        "Yeah."    "...Uh-oh. What did he say?"        "He said 'no.'..."    "Awww man, Peter, I'm sorry. Did he say why?" Peter tried to keep his sniffles quiet, but Ned could hear them anyway.       "Yeah, u-um... He said that...you know, he's a one-night-stand kind of guy, and that I'm -- we're -- ... He doesn't...think it would be a good idea, because he just...likes sex, and I'm romantic, so..."    "That really sucks, I'm sorry."        "Me too..."    "...Hey, I rigged my GTA 4 game to get Carmageddon on the 360." Peter continued to hold back his emotions, but only half-cared about Ned's random statement.       "Y-eah...?"    "Yeah, it's really funny! Can I come over and show you? It should work on your 360." Now understanding, Peter smiled a little.       "Yeah, that sounds cool. We could, um... I could make...popcorn, or something."    "Awesome! Is now good?"        "Sure, uh -- lemme ask Tony first, just to be sure."    "Okay. Text me." --- After they said goodbye and hung up, Peter got confirmation from Tony that having Ned over for a few hours would be fine. While on his way to go prepare everything, May found Peter and insisted he tell her what was wrong, as she could tell something was up. Although he'd wanted to keep it hidden from his elders, Peter (naturally) trusted May and knew it was confidential, so he came clean. Seeing her nephew's broken heart, May consoled him and offered a little advice about how to heal up from it, and insisted that they would, yes, go back to being friends in time. ~~SpideyPool~~ In the days passing, Peter and Wade refrained from messaging each other. Peter went about his usual life, including going on regular patrols. He took down a couple of small criminals, helped a few people in minor danger. This always felt good; even the littlest of ways he could help people made his day brighter and his heart fuller. Wade, meanwhile, had spent the days since the rejection in sorrow and self-hatred. He'd smashed a lot of the stuff in his apartment and all but shredded the couch, laying face-down on the tattered furniture in a mess of stuffing, old food scraps, alcohol and the same outfit he'd had on when he last talked to Peter (minus the coat, boots and mask). It had been five days. But on this fifth day, Colossus happened to pop in. He knocked. ---   "Wade? You are playing Elvis again. Are you all right?" "AwwwWWW!! I'm not in the mood, Sputnik! Fuck the shit off!" Colossus opened the door and hunched in, turning off Wade's music.    "You should really lock door. Wade, you are a mess; what is wrong?" The merc answered him with his face still down and pressed to the couch. "What's wrong is this big metal dildo man keeps showing up at my door even after I tell him to fuck. the. shit. OFF." Colossus looked around, ignoring him.   "How do you live like this..." "I'm not living, I'm existing."    "Clearly. Is this another episode? Perhaps I should take you back to the mansion again." Wade lifted his head, tired eyes closed. "GOD, no! No more bland-coated walls with old white men all over them and every other X-Man acting like the studio couldn't afford to pay them to even just walk around and pretend they live there." Colossus raised a brow, but ignored him, as he was so used to doing.   "Well, if this is not episode, then what is it?" Wade's face flopped back into the couch, pressing in harder than earlier. "Imn mm bmng m thnntl dmshm."    "What?" With a heavy groan of aggravation, he sat up entirely, allowing small bags of food trash to spill onto the floor from its position under his body. Colossus winced at the crinkling and crumbs. "It's me being a total dipshit..." "What did you do," he asked tiredly while folding his arms. "I told you I liked some guy, right? Well... Turns out, he liked me, too."    "That is good news." "Yeah, it was, until he told me he liked me and I shot him down like a retarded clay pigeon in a Guantanamo Bay shooting range."    "..." "I swear to god, it's like while I wasn't looking, the cancer snuck into my brain and made me even stupider."    "Why did you turn him down?" "Because -- he's nice, okay? I don't just wanna get in his pants, I want to date him. I want to have a relationship, but he's not the person I should be trying that out with on account of how fucked sideways with a cactus my head is."    "On inside, or outside?" When Wade glared up at him, Colossus chuckled. Squinting, Wade lowered his voice. "Are you The Moby? 'Cos I haven't even taken The Great American Challenge yet, and I feel like you're stretching my ass WIDE open."    "Eugh! Listen..." Colossus softened up and sat beside him carefully.   "You are...different, very rough around the edges. You are afraid that this guy is too good for you." "No, I KNOW he's too good for me. I can't risk screwing up his life."    "How do you know that would happen?" "Uh, do I not ruin everything everywhere I go?"    "Only when you really mean to. But he likes you too, yes?" "He says he does... I'm not sure why."    "Maybe because, in your own strange way, you are charming man. You have a big heart, you care about people -- most of all, him, it seems." "That's why I gotta stay away from him."    "No, that is why you must go to him." Wade glanced up at his company.    "You must go tell him the truth, give it a second chance. He deserves to know what you are thinking, does he not?" "... No, I don't want to make him more miserable."    "If he is miserable, it is only because you have not been honest with him." "...You really think I should do this? You really think I should go over there and just...tell him how I feel?"    "Absolutely." "...Just admit that you want me, Colossus." Colossus sighed. "I don't know,..."    "Trust me, if you don't do this, then you will never know what could be. You will spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been, your soul will forever be restless." "..."    "...Who is it that you are pining for so badly?" Wade's voice almost cracked. "P-eter Parker..."    "Peter Parker?? You mean Spiderman???" "Yeah."    "OH, he is a VERY good young man... Erh...over eighteen, yes?" "He's twenty."    "OH, good." "Like you said, he's very good. He's not...he doesn't deserve all my shit."    "You will never know, Wade. Not unless you take risk." "..."    "If you try your best, if you let love in, and it is real, then your messy life will work itself out." Wade looked up at Colossus, who then put a caring, large metal hand on his shoulder.   "Maximum effort." "...Okay... Maximum effort." --- When Colossus left, Wade showered and started cleaning up. On the sixth morning after their last conversation, Wade called Peter, but the latter was around other people while in the facility. Not wanting to talk to him in front of anyone, he declined the call, but texted Wade saying "Hang on i'll call in a sec." He went to his room and did as was promised, calling Wade back while sitting on his bed. --- "Hey, Spidey!"        "Hey, Wade." He sounded a little tired, but was kind and open-minded. "What's up?"        "Uhh not much, I was with Tony and Wanda and didn't want to talk in front of them. Just...sitting in my room, now." "Gotcha."        "So...did you want something?" "Aww, you're still upset about the other day," he said with an audible smile. Peter sat up, voice more peppy.       "No, no, I mean I'm not upset, I'm just... It... 'Upset' is just such a harsh word, um... I'm just kinda sad, you know? It's -- I'm still just trying to...make sense of it all, figure out what's...going on in my head." "I understand."        "I'm sorry..." "Why are you sorry?"        "I don't know, I just feel bad, I mean this can't be fun for you, either. I just feel really stuck. And -- I told May, but only because she could tell how down I was." "May is nice."        "She's the best..." "...I miss you, Pete."        "Me too... Ned...rigged his GTA 4 disk to run Carmageddon on the 360." "What?! That's sick as FUCK!"       "Yeah... Maybe sometime we could hang out and play it together. It's really funny..." "I'd like that. Or... I could just come hang out with ya right now!" Peter sat up a little more.       "Oh, Wade, I don't know, I... I think I still need a little more time to process everything. It's -- I'm still not mad or anything, you're still my friend, it's just kinda hard..." "Oh... Well that's too bad, 'cos I'm right outside your window."        "--What??" After Wade's shadow cast onto the wall and got Peter's attention, he quickly looked to the left and saw Wade in the window, waving happily at him before putting the phone back to his ear. Peter tossed his phone down in shock and ran to the window.       "Wade!" He opened the glass pane, shivering at the freezing air.       "What are you doing?!" "Just felt I needed to come by and clear things up with you." After realizing he was talking pointlessly into his phone, Wade shrugged and tossed it.       "Wha--" Peter quickly fired a web at the little computer, snatching it and yanking it into his hand. Wade crawled into Peter's room through the window, and then the latter closed it and handed Wade his phone.       "Why would you throw this??" Wade took his phone back and chuckled. "Ewww, now it has webs on it...!"        "That's better than being broken!" Wade shrugged the snow off his shoulders. He was in full suit with a beanie on his head over his mask, and a fur coat. "Plungers make really good building-climbing tools, did you know that?"        "Eugh, you -- you used plungers to get up here?" "They're all new, it's fine. Well -- except for the one for my right foot, I wouldn't touch that one." Wade slid off his coat and beanie.       "Wade, what are you doing here...?" "I wanted to talk to you about the other day." Peter motioned for him to be quiet, then stepped over and locked his door. Turning back to face him, he kept his voice low, and so his visitor did the same.        "Okay?" "Look... The thing is, I like you, too. A LOT. I've had it bad for you from the start, Petey, but... It's like I said the other day; you're a nice guy, and--"        "Wait, let me just stop you there." He waited.       "I know that you like to sleep around, and that's okay. Some people are romantic, and some people aren't, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not judging you, I think what you do is totally fine." Wade nodded.       "But... I'm still not that guy, you know? I still need those things, I'm -- I want a relationship. It's okay that you don't want that, you don't have to explain yourself. But if this is a request to just...fool around, um... I'm...not game for that, I'm sorry." "...Aww, you're so cute," he said happily before roughing Peter's hair lovingly. Peter stood in blank confusion, having no response to that. "I'm not here because I want to have sex with you. I mean, I'd like to, but not like...right now, I mean like in the future, when we've been seeing each other for a little while."        "..." "When you asked me out, I said no because I didn't think I was right for you. I still don't, honestly, I mean you should really, just...turn around and run while you have the chance. Because I'm about to ask you something, and I don't have a lot of patience, and I might just blurt it, cut and dry."        "Wade, what the hell are you trying to say?" "I'm saying... Will you go out with me...?" Peter stood in total shock, staring blankly at Wade. "......Is that a 'no'? That's probably a wise choice, but I'm gonna...need verbal confirmation. I mean if it's not 'yes,' it's 'no,' because basic principle, but ya know. ...?" He finally blinked and shook his head a little, making an effort to make sure he kept his voice low.        "Okay, wait... You do want to go out with me...?" "Yeah. I've wanted to since like, last June."        "FFFFFFFF-- Wade...?!?!?" "Yeah... Pathetic, I know."        "So why did you say 'no' the other day??" "I told you, because I don't think I'm right for you. I'm super fucked up and you're really nice! You're --"        "Shh...!" He lowered his voice to something of a shouting whisper. "You have your whole life ahead of you to meet fucked up people, you should at least have some normal, healthy relationships first...!"        "Wade, that's up to me to decide, and I know you think you're like the worst person ever, but you're actually really a good guy...!" "Why are we whispering...?!"        "Because if Tony finds out we're even discussing dating he'll throw you to the moon...!" "That would suck...!"        "I know...!" They both stood a little taller, each sighing some and looking off before focusing again. They stopped whispering, but remained quiet.        "So..." "I'm just saying... I've got a lot of baggage, and problems, and a whirlwind of mind shit that falls out of its little shit-filled cabinet whenever it feels like it. I have LOVED being your friend, but I'm..."        "...Yes...?" "...I'm scared of hurting you..." Peter relaxed and took a step towards him.        "You're not gonna hurt me." "You don't know that."        "And you don't know that you will. But if you think that, but you still had the nerve to come tell me how you feel and ask me out..." Wade looked up at him cautiously.       "...Then you must have some sort of faith in it being okay, right?" "..." Peter started to smile.        "What if we just tried it? Why don't we just...date...? And if it doesn't work out, then that's okay. We can just be friends. I mean that's what we were working up to being again anyway, right?" "That's how it would have to be. I can't lose you, Spidey, you mean a lot to me."        "..." "You're like ice on a burn. You have...the BEST heart. I don't wanna hurt it."        "Stuff's gonna hurt me, Wade. That's life, it's okay. If you hurt me, we can get past it." "...You promise?" Peter smiled bigger.        "I promise. Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll hurt you or something, pfft." Peter couldn't see it, but Wade was smiling, too.        "If you're serious, and this isn't you feeling guilty about saying 'no' or asking for a one night stand... I would love to go out with you. PLEASE, let me go out with you." --- And so it was, they secretly began dating. Wade made arrangements to take Peter out that very afternoon. After Wade left through the window, taking his plungers with him, Peter called Ned in a slight panic. He excitedly explained what happened and told him he needed to prepare himself for the date, and they hung up. When it came to Tony, Peter had to keep quiet. Like before, he didn't tell anyone, including May; he just didn't want anyone to know yet. The first date was just spent with the boys wandering around a nice part of the city, discussing how they liked each other and how long each of them have felt it. Wade explained that he was a mess for the days following his rejection of Peter, and that it took Colossus busting into his apartment and yanking him onto his feet to get him to go talk. He also confessed to having slept with a couple of people, including Vanessa, which Peter was more than fine with. But, he emphasized, Wade really needed to look into STI testing just to be safe. The first date didn't end with kissing or anything randy, and Wade still didn't show Peter his face. Instead, they hugged, and Peter drove back home. The dates following were very similar, with food as part of the equation. They even had a "parkour date," where both got in full suit and leaped around the city, showing their abilities to one another for the sheer sport of it. Peter even held Wade and swung around the city with him on his hip. According to Wade, this was terrifying but romantic. By this time, Peter told May and MJ. After a few weeks, Peter and Wade felt relatively steady. Tony and Steve could tell something was different with Peter when it came to Wade, and Tony had his suspicions from the start. Peter knew that Tony could sense something unusual, but he played around it and acted casually. Tony chose to stay quiet about it. During a date one late afternoon when Peter and Wade were on a harbor, in suit, the sun out after a light rain (yes, it must be that specific), Peter pressed a little harder to see Wade's face. He understood why Wade was shy about it, but kindly argued that it was difficult to date someone he'd known for over a year while still not having a clue what he looked like. Feeling that Peter's reaction could really make or break the potential of their relationship, Wade finally conceded and removed the mask. To his surprise, there was no horror or tension, or even the slightest bit of disgust. He looked a little surprised, briefly raising his eyebrows with a blink, and studied him. He said "Wow," and that was about it. Wade started to make jokes about himself, to which Peter put his arms around Wade and told him he wasn't allowed to insult himself whenever he was in the Spiderman's arms. This became a new theme with them. After a minute of talking, and with Wade allowing his new partner to lightly touch his scarred cheeks, he asked if Peter had anymore requests before the mask went back on. ---       "...You could kiss me..." Wade stared at him in light disbelief.        "...Or -- or not, it's totally optional. Just a suggest--" As the cliche stands, Wade kissed him, cutting off his sentence. When he pulled away, Peter was stunned and glowing.        "O-ohhoh... Okay, I-I don't have a lot of reference, but... That was really good..." "I agree." --- Wade put his mask back on, and the two were smitten. A few days after their first kiss, Peter finally sat down with Tony and Steve and came clean about his recent dating situation. Steve didn't love the idea, and Tony hated it, but the former offered support and simply asked that Peter be careful and trust his instincts. Tony was a tad more chilly with his honesty, but when Peter became insecure, he emphasized that he wasn't angry. He just didn't trust Wade on a romantic level, and feared Peter getting hurt. This gave Peter the opportunity to remind Tony that he was a big boy now, and he could handle making his own mistakes, and was willing to face the consequences of his decisions. It ended on a positive note, but Tony couldn't hide the lack of thrill he had over the new relationship. Weeks turned into months, and things when steady. In their time together, Peter got permission from Tony to make his very own original suit. Given how comfortable he was with Wade, and with the relationship also recently going public, Peter felt the desire to start fresh and switch up his look with a lot more blue. For one thing, the blue complimented Deadpool's vast red and helped him stand out.~ That May, when they'd been going out for about three months, Peter started becoming more bold in his physical interest in Wade. He'd been to the merc's apartment several times as well, and had actually managed to convince him to start cleaning the place up and get some new furniture. He wasn't judgmental; he merely worried for Wade's state of mind and the health hazards, insisting that he might feel better and more confident if he lived in better conditions. This conversation brought Wade to inadvertently mention how he was desensitized to the squalor due to being forced to sit in his own waste and vomit for a while when he had gotten ill at the Mutant Factory. This was one of the most serious things Wade brought up right off the bat, but upon seeing Peter's face stricken with shock and concern, he clammed up. Peter assured him that there was nothing to be ashamed of, and that he appreciated Wade talking to him. The conversation helped Wade feel better, much to his shock, and he agreed that it might be good for him to clean up the apartment. So he did just that. It wasn't spectacular, but the improvement was great, and Wade actually found himself wanting better for how he lived. In June, Peter's physical interests were more clear. They'd discussed sex, but Peter was shy, and Wade was never one to push. But finally, while making out one day, Peter came to the conclusion that he was ready to be intimate. They each went home and planned for Peter to go to Wade's. They each wanted to shower and prepare for it first. Peter brought a small bag with a movie and his suit in it (just in case). He told Tony that they were just going to have a movie date. Tony didn't like it, and insisted Peter also take his iron suit (which is tightly compact into a small shape when dormant like the Ironman suit). Peter obeyed, willing to do anything to help Tony feel more comfortable about him being out and about. At Wade's apartment, the pair chilled for a little while, but Wade was eager to show his company how he'd prepared the bedroom. He led Peter to his room, revealing soft pink and orange shaded string lights pinned up around the walls, nice bedding, and an overall sense of warmth. Needless to say, Peter was very impressed, letting Wade know he did not expect this, and didn't require it in the future. But yes, he absolutely loved it, and knew he would have a good time. When they were done, they both fell asleep in Wade's bed. Tony called around 1 in the morning, asking where Peter was. He was a little upset, but nothing Peter couldn't work around. He apologized and said they were both tired from watching the movie and then playing some video games, so Peter crashed on the couch and forgot to tell Tony he was staying the night. After a little back and forth, Peter reassured him that everything was all right and encouraged him to go back to sleep. He promised to come home early in the morning with a box of donuts as an apology. Tony hesitantly agreed, and left him alone. Once more, the next day, Peter made a point to tell Ned about his escapades. The next few times Peter went to Wade's house, he ended up spending the night. And again, he lied his ass off to Tony, saying they just had a new routine of playing video games until they crashed. Tony knew better, and Peter knew that, but neither were willing to give on the subject. By this time, Peter quietly told aunt May that his relationship with Wade was now very serious. She was excited for him, proud and happy and double checked that he was being safe. Embarrassed and a little exasperated, he confirmed this, and just like that May was back in fun mode. She was able to accept that Peter was grown now, and she was glad to try and guide him through this very impressionable period in his life. The morning after Peter's fifth time with Wade, Colossus visited unexpectedly while the boys were still sleeping. Wade got up and addressed him, completely naked, while Peter stayed back and hurriedly put his clothes on before meekly coming out to greet the metal man. He was shy but thrilled to meet the infamous X-Man. After Peter convinced Wade to at least put on some underwear, they all sat down together and had a chat. Colossus was happy to finally meet Spiderman, and when Peter got home, he told his family about how funny it was to wake up and meet Colossus. Later that day, Tony finally pulled Peter aside and broke down, having a serious discussion with him about the relationship. He asked for full honesty on whether they had become physical, and Peter answered honestly. The talk was civil, as Tony loved Peter too much to ever take out any frustration on him, but his concern was clear. He told Peter he respected that, that Peter didn't need to feel bad about it; he was just making sure everything was okay. Not that it was any of his business, but he considered his family to be his business. Peter didn't mind, so long as Tony stayed cool. The Ironman did confirm that Peter understood the fact that he wasn't going to invite Wade to live with them. Peter agreed. When Tony asked if Peter was thinking about living with Wade, the latter said "no." "So what are you gonna do?" Tony asked. Peter told him that he would just keep doing as they had been; dating, hanging out, and if they wanted to have personal time, Peter would go to Wade's. He told Tony he felt he really loved Wade, and was okay with the fact that he was, in Tony's words, "super fucked up." He understood that he wasn't responsible for Wade's mental health, but that he enjoyed helping him through some of his issues. He understood that trauma like this was a long-haul, and he was willing to at least try. After all, everyone he knew was traumatized, himself included. The conversation helped clear the air a lot for the father-and-son pair, and Tony grew a greater respect for the relationship. A week or so after that conversation, Tony ended up having a talk with Wade. The merc shocked him with his raw honesty about his feelings for Peter, revealing his only intention was to be happy with him without weighing him down. He loved him, and he would do anything for him, including whatever he could to please his family. He understood why everyone flocked to shield Peter; he was different, special. It was then that Tony finally saw an ounce of what Peter saw in Wade, and his respect grew. In August, Peter turned 21 and in December, Wade turned 27. In that time frame, Peter began sneaking Wade into his room sometimes to get physical.~ Not long after Wade's birthday, Tony finally came to grips with the reality that Wade wasn't going anywhere. His relationship with Peter was incredibly strong and steady, and despite Peter having his job, his family and friends and Wade, he'd managed to make it all work. They were mature, and mature together, and Tony wanted Peter to have every opportunity possible to make things a little easier. So as a surprise, he told Peter he was going to allow Wade to move into the facility, even though he wasn't being offered any Avenger titles. He even said he didn't mind if Wade and him shared his bedroom, so long as they weren't mindless sex idiots and kept everyone awake all the time. Stunned, Peter was beyond grateful. Together, everyone gathered up and invited Wade to the facility to make the offer. Wade was uncertain at first, asking if they wanted him to be an Avenger. "GOD no," said Sam. Peter informed him that this had no strings attached, and asked if he was ready to move in with him. Wade said yes, and accepted this very unexpected, beautiful birthday present. In being offered to move in, this was the Avengers fully embracing Wade and adopting him into their weird, messed up family. In time, they would learn to see that Wade was in fact, a good man with a big heart, and become used to his mouth. ~~Love Forever After~~ Living together, it was a dream come true. For the first time in Wade's life, things finally seemed to be on a steady path, and he would do anything to keep it that way. He was happy, he wanted to stay happy, and most of all, he wanted to do well for Peter. With them being together (even before Wade had moved in), Peter helped Wade open up about his past and his feelings. He wasn't judgmental, he wasn't off-put by Wade's mannerisms, weirdness, strange coping habits, random emotional moments, nightmares, or even the nastiest of content regarding his past. He just listened and consoled, and even shielded Wade from the harshness of others. With a guy as wonderful as the friendly neighborhood Spiderman, even though he wasn't perfect, Wade had a tough time feeling like he could give back enough. What he didn't tend to understand was Peter already felt Wade did give back. Wade was a passionate, attentive, caring, thorough lover, and exceedingly generous. He did anything and everything he could for Peter. Aside from just being the best mate he could be, he couldn't think of much else, but it was more than enough. Peter needed him, too. And when Peter had problems, his heart was heavy or he had his own traumatic episodes, Wade was there for him. He applied the very things he'd learned from his love and gave back. After some months living with Peter, Wade had his first serious emotional breakdown related to his trauma. Deadpool, Spiderman, Ironman, Scarlet Witch, and War Machine were out on a mission one night. On a rooftop, after the mission was finished and they had regrouped, Peter was wrapping some things up when a casual conversation started between Wade and the others. The Mutant Factory got brought up, which Wade appeared fine with. He joked casually about what he went through, and the others listened. But at a certain point, after making a comment about his torture that initially caused him to laugh, his laughter suddenly turned to tears. At first the others just went along with it, used to Wade's emotional switches at this point and figuring it would be fine. But when the merc's weeps became sobs and he could no longer stand up, everyone finally realized something was wrong. James stood by Wade and Wanda knelt beside him, clueless as to how to help or what exactly was happening. Tony called Peter to their gathering on the rooftop, and when the Spiderman saw his partner in a heavy heap of tears, he sprung into action. Wanda and James backed away to give Peter the space to console him. He was understandably confused and alarmed by the development, but stayed calm. Tony had an idea of what was happening, cluing Peter in with a reminder of how he had suddenly felt okay enough to grieve his uncle when the time came. It clicked; Wade finally felt safe and comfortable enough in his life that his mind was ready to start the healing process. Peter carried Wade away from the group, who let them have their space. He removed his mask, and convinced Wade to let him take his off, and he held him. Wade announced that he didn't understand what was going on and that he couldn't stop, so Peter told him not to stop. He told him that this was a good thing even though it didn't feel like it, and that it wouldn't last forever. After a while, when Wade was calm enough, Peter took him home. He explained to him what he thought was happening. From that point on, Wade was much more prone to having harder breakdowns, but at that point they seemed to happen at more appropriate times. He also had an easier time talking about it, even if it did hurt like all hell. Thankfully, for Wade's sake, his primary trauma response now is sobbing and nightmares. And when it happens, someone is always there to help him. Of course he still has his random weepy moments at weird things, but Peter has always been understanding of that and never judged him. If anything, he only ever helped Wade feel validated. When Peter was 22 and Wade was 28, the Trial of the Gods ensued. This was hard on Wade, and revealed he had a host of dependency issues with Peter. It led to them having a serious but gentle talk, where Peter offered to work with him on easing his mind about the fact that bad things happen, and if anything bad ever happened to Peter, he needed the peace of mind that Wade would take care of himself. Stay clean, healthy, surround himself with his friends, continue to do good things. If not for himself, then for Peter, because he would want that. Wade agreed, even though the conversation was hard. Ultimately, Wade's mind never reached any peace until he went on a mission and secretly killed himself in order to get to The Realm of Silence, Interitus's realm of the dead. After having a quick conversation wherein Wade asked the elk god if he would ever die for good, Interitus told him 'yes.' He said that Wade would not live forever, that his time would come when it was right, and in death he would be with his beloved. This gave Wade all the peace he needed. Someday, Wade and Peter will get married. How, when and under what circumstances remain a mystery. For now, they're just loving life together. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[akkermans]

( madelyn cline / cis woman ) PHILIPPA ‘PIP’ AKKERMANS is 22 years old and is a JUNIOR at thales university. SHE is majoring in JOURNALISM and is known for being THE DESPONDENT as SHE can be CURIOUS and INSIGHTFUL as well as SELF-PUNISHING and MOODY. every time i see HER, SHE reminds me of SMOKE RISING FROM A CIGARETTE, THE CRUNCH OF LEAVES UNDERFOOT, INCOHERENT SCRIBBLINGS IN A NOTEBOOK.

hi hello hi i’m hero, i’m 22, she/they and i live in the est tz! i’m a recentish graduate who likes horror, my cat, and a damn fine cup of coffee!! i’m so excited to be here w/ pip!! if u wld like to plot, give this a like or hmu on my discord @ ‘garlic bed #3345′!!

full name: philippa ‘pip’ akkermans 

birthdate: june 24, 1998 

age: 22 

gender: cisgender woman 

pronouns: she/her 

zodiac: cancer 

nationality: dutch-american 

ethnicity: white

hometown: utrecht, the netherlands

languages: dutch, german, english 

family: 

julian akkermans, father 

lotte de vries, stepmother

amelia akkermans, mother (deceased)

sophie akkermans, twin sister (deceased)

orientation: bisexual biromantic 

religion: atheist (formerly catholic) 

height: 5 ft 6 in 

distinguishing features: thin scar from crown of head to right eyebrow, eyes, lips 

character inspo: theo crain, alaska young, shane and ryan from buzzfeed unsolved, camille preaker

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

TRIGGERS: death, car accident, alcohol and drug use, mental illness (depression, ptsd)

born in utrecht, the netherlands to a dutch father and american mother, pip akkermans’ life has been marked with tragedy since she was born. it seems to follow her. she was born five minutes before her twin sister, sophie, but as the two girls took their first breath, their mother took her last, leaving julian akkermans a single father. 

growing up without a mother, pip and sophie found solace in each other, forming a bond akin to many twins, one so close, so dependent, it was like they were in their own little bubble. sophie was always the bright one, the one who walked into a room and immediately lit it up. pip was always the quieter of the two, her energy more dour, more withdrawn. but together they were a team, causing trouble left and right, getting out of it with sophie’s sweet smile. 

their father was never the same after their mother died, but the coldness that possessed julian was all they’ve ever known. often times he was out of the house, unable to properly step up in the role of father to girls that were the spitting image of his lost love and the sole reason she’s gone. he drank. a lot. but he was never violent, simply sad. 

he starts going out a lot, and eventually, brings home a woman that he says is going to become their step mother. a wedding quickly ensues. there’s a meanness in her, a clear disdain for the twins. but they don’t care, they don’t need to. they have each other. they’ll always have each other. 

they’re fourteen and visiting amsterdam for the weekend when their car is hit head on by another, there’s enough momentum to flip them twice. the driver and pip are fine, minor injuries, but sophie passes away before anyone arrives, her hand in her sister’s as she takes her last breath. 

pip is distraught, and for obvious reasons, she’s lost the better part of herself, even though she promised she wouldn’t go away. if her dad is heartbroken, he doesn’t show it. he simply continues to pull away. eventually sending pip to live with her aunt in america, rhode island to be specific. 

she doesn’t exactly adjust well, not only is she still reeling from the death of her sister, but she’s experiencing intense feelings of detachment and nightmares of sophie every night, among other symptoms. her aunt eventually takes her to a psychologist, where she’s eventually diagnosed with depression and ptsd. 

thus begins her long journey into managing her mental health, her aunt showing a surprising amount of support. she wishes on some level, that she had always grown up with her, that her father sent them away when they were children, maybe she wouldn’t feel so alone. maybe sophie would still be here. 

for the first year in america, she doesn’t quite have friends, because she prefers her usual solitude. but eventually, she finds her group of friends, within her soccer team, her clubs, anything to get her mind off of her old life. 

she tries to be normal, she really does, but she knows something is off– she feels empty, all the time, and her medication makes her feel like a zombie. eventually she falls into a crowd that is prone to partying, drinking, smoking. she’s sneaking out most nights to join them at their spot. 

her senior year, she spins out, has a very public breakdown, that ends up leading to her taking a leave of absence from school, and essentially once again, returning to pariah status. 

she does manage to graduate and get into thales university, by sheer force and extracurriculars, where she begins majoring in journalism, because it’s always been something she’s interested in, having been a part of her school’s newspaper before, well, everything. 

she meets nana in one of their gen eds, and they hit it off immediately. they’re practically inseparable for a few years, until there’s an incident of pip being caught in a compromising position with one of nana’s flings at the time (it wasn’t what it looked like) and before she has a chance to explain, they’re no longer speaking.

 nana goes missing a few weeks afterwards, and the emptiness comes back, feeling guilty as if it was her fault. as if everything that has happened has been a result of knowing pip and her general trail of misery. she was going to apologize, too. she just never got the chance. 

now with the death of steven, her curiosity is piqued, her journalistic instinct triggered by the mystery afoot, and focusing on that means she doesn’t have to think about herself, because by god, she does not want to think about herself. 

TL;DR: pip and her twin sister, sophie, are born in utrecht, the netherlands– their mother dies when they’re born. their father withdraws, eventually remarrying a bitter woman. when pip and sophie are 14, they’re involved in an accident that takes sophie’s life, and leaves pip alone, a bit traumatized. she moves to america to live with her maternal aunt, and goes to high school there, until she essentially has a breakdown her senior year. she meets nana her first year of thales, and they’re inseparable until a misunderstanding a month or two before she disappeared. now with steven’s death, she’s using her journalism skills to investigate it all. 

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

between the melancholy is a very bright girl. she’s always been rather inquisitive and observant, the quieter one of the akkermans twins. as she grows older, learns to live without her sister, learns to live alone, she grows into her own voice. she becomes someone unafraid to speak her mind, simply because she has nothing left to lose. she’s a bit dry, a bit sarcastic, and her humor can border morbid on occasion because she’s gotta laugh or else she’ll cry. she has a bit of trouble sticking her nose in places it shouldn’t be. she’s rather loyal, but it takes a lot for her to trust you– she trusted nana, and look where that got her. that being said, she has long bouts of depression, and detachment, which she’s been trying to manage for years now, but still, in the quiet moments, there’s a feeling the girl is rather– haunted. 

𝐓𝐈𝐃𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐒

she has pretty good investigative skills! she works on the newspaper at the school, so she’s kind of all over the place

explores a lot, likes to wander because it clears her head, though it also means she’ll probably enter places she’s not usually allowed (i.e. abandoned buildings, etc.) 

also a soccer player! she’s played soccer for a good amount of her life, except her senior year of high school when she withdrew, she’s debating quitting the team here though 

has a slight dutch accent, it’s noticeable mostly on specific words 

disaster bi….. disaster bisexual…. usually stumbles into relationships and they never last due to her own shortcomings 

can’t drive fr shit never learned how, fr some… obvious reasons, has some anxiety getting 

has a few tattoos! her first and favorite was two butterflies on her wrist for sophie 

has two piercings in each ear, a daith piercing in her right, and a upper cartilege piercing on her left

doesn’t really talk about her sister, however, claims she sees her/feels her sometimes 

a skeptical believer of ghosts and spirits, mostly likes the stories that comes with her 

speaks to her father once every two years, their relationship is nonexistent 

likes to have a beer every so often but doesn’t exactly party, if u do see her at parties she’s prob lounging on a couch chatting with someone who’s name she’ll never remember 

lived on campus for the first two years but this year got her own apartment, has an esa, a two year old scottish fold named noodle 

has an extensive collection of sweaters and cardigans

kind of an old lady……. just learning about tiktok now

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

partner in crime – the ryan to her shane, the trixie to her katya, maybe they’re not the best of friends but they get into a LOT of trouble together

the reason nana and her stopped talking – pretty much nana walked in on a situation and misread it entirely and her drama loving ass cut pip off until her disappearance

friends 

former friends – pip pulls away a lot, she is the undoer in a lot of relationships… or maybe it was your muse…. 

roommates (2-3) – new girl-esque shenanigans to be had!

newspaper coworkers 

soccer teammates 

someone she’s been helping with a case

fwb (f/m/nb) – girl has got needs, and doesn’t always like to be alone so

exes (f/m/nb) – prob broke up because pip’s inability to ever truly connect to other’s… haha! or it could be on good terms, and they’re pals now

crush (f/m/nb) – either way, reciprocated or unreciprocated, but it’s weird and you’re both kinda hot?

people she has Hooked Up w/ and now it’s awkard (f/m/nb) 

rivals, but are we? 

only likes her because her cat – noodle rights, babey!

‘she accidentally stole your coffee order once, but hey, she’s pretty cool’ – prob bought u a new one after she drank a bit of it…. now you see each other around fondly

‘she stuck her nose in your business for the Scoop’

hate-to-love friendship – i want to k*ll you to hey you’re pretty alright but don’t tell anybody i said that

‘you sent her an anonymous tip, but she accidentally figured out it was you’ 

someone who gets her out of her shell – takes her to parties! out with friends! 

anything in my wanted tag!

[malecsecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, the-ghost-of-william-herondale!

For @the-ghost-of-william-herondale, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Read On AO3

*****

Taking Charge Of Your Destiny.

The interesting thing about soulmates, Magnus figures out early on, is that even if their name doesn’t show up until your teens you still feel when they are hurt, physically at least. Magnus can remember times throughout his childhood and adolescence where he would feel intense bouts of pain but would not know where from. At 11 years old he felt a shooting pain in his collarbone, but was just sitting at the table reading. His shoulder aches for weeks afterward and he still has times where it is stiff to this day. When he was 14, in the middle of a dance routine his hand felt like the knuckles had cracked, it had felt like he had punched someone but he was just practicing his pirouettes.

As he got older, it happened less and less often. And then one day when he was 16 he woke up to find the name ‘Alexander’ scrawled on his hip. He knew from a young age that he was bisexual, not afraid to let the world know that he would love whom ever he chooses.

Now, more than a decade later, working as one of the youngest charge nurses in one of the busiest emergency departments in New York, Magnus didn’t really have time for soulmates.

___________________________________

It’s a brisk November evening, the temperature hovering around 20 degrees when Magnus walks into the hospital, venti Starbucks coffee in hand. The temperature hovering around freezing put him a little on edge, people always forgot how to drive when the snow started to fall. And it would melt just enough to freeze into a sheet of black ice. He stops just outside the doors to take a breath of fresh air before walking through the doors to the clinical air of the hospital. He makes his way to the change rooms and changes out of the clothes he had worn for just the evening and into his scrubs. His hospital provides all of the charge nurses with the same deep, navy scrubs and he wears them with pride. He beat out a lot of people for this position and he works incredibly hard for his staff and his department. He glances at the clock, 2300, okay 30 minutes until the mayhem starts. There’s a certain aura of the night shift that Magnus loves. While the rest of the world has gone to sleep and shut down, his ER is buzzing with activity.

Magnus sits down with the charge from evenings and gets the rundown of the department, what staffing for nights looks like (he is fully staffed and thankfully no one has to be mandated), and what the patient counts look like for the various parts of the ER. Overall their census is lower than normal for this time of year, but Magnus isn’t holding his breath, nor is he going to say anything out loud. Once he’s finished getting report, he watches his night staff coming through the door, this particular rotation is filled with stellar staff and Magnus finds himself looking forward to the night ahead of him.

The night starts out much like any other, Magnus goes around the various sections of the ER, making sure all of his staff have what they need to do their jobs properly. He is somehow able to make it back to the high acuity section where his desk is without any big problems coming up. He is getting caught up on paperwork, paperwork he has needed to do for days, when one of the spritely new residents comes walking up to the charge desk.

Magnus looks up from the papers he is signing, “Hello Simeon, to what do I owe the honour tonight?”

“Okay, so it’s Simon.. Lewis,” the resident says shows Magnus his badge, Magnus huffs a laugh, of course he knows his name, Magnus just likes to see the new ones flustered. “But honestly I had an energy drink before I started and now I am buzzing. But it’s so quie--” Magnus puts his index finger up to Simon’s lips trying to stop him from continuing. “-t.”

Magnus rolls his eyes before making eye contact with him. “You did not just say that word, there is one rule when working in a hospital that you need to know. You never say the q word, I don’t care if there are no people in ANY of these beds that word does not pass your lips.” Dr. Catarina Loss is walking up as Magnus finishes chewing into the frightened looking resident.

“Good evening Magnus, what did you say to scare my poor resident so badly.”

“Well you see Dr. Loss, your poor resident here decided to tempt fate by saying the q-word. I was just explaining that when, not even if we get a huge rush, he owes my whole group of nurses breakfast.” Catarina looks at Simon and smirks.

“Sorry Simon, but you are on your own here. It is like the unspoken rule that you never say that word. Good luck tonight, I will be in my call room getting a little shut eye while I still can.”

As soon as she finishes talking Magnus has the wind knocked out of him, he feels like something is crushing his chest and he has to grab the desk in front of him to stabilize him. “Magnus!” Catarina comes rushing around the desk so that she is directly in front of him “Magnus, answer me, are you okay?” The crushing pain only lasts for about 30 seconds before it turns to a dull ache. He looks up at Caterina and she has her stethoscope in her ears and diaphragm against his chest.

“Yeah,” He breathes out, “It felt like something was crushing me and then now it just feels like a dull ache.” Catarina is counting his respirations and finishing up his work up before she answers.

“Well, physically you check out. But please take it easy, and if anything I mean anything happens, come and get me.”

“Yes, mom,” he says, rolling his eyes once again, rubbing his chest as he does so. Catarina starts to turn around when his phone rings, he brings it up to his ear and puts his hand up to stop Catarina from leaving.

As soon as he is off the phone he gathers his team around him. “Okay everyone get ready, we have a 4 car MVC coming in, they are transporting the hardest hit vics. Helen,” He looks at the unit clerk, “call a respiratory 25 arriving in 5 minutes, they have one patient in respiratory distress in the ambulance right now. Lydia, Dot you two get the resus room set up, Lydia you will be the primary nurse for that patient, Dot you will assist her. Let me know as soon as they are stable. There are also 6 other vics who are being brought here, they are all stable as of right now and will go through triage. Buckle up everyone we are in for a long night ahead of us.” The ER turns into a flurry of movement around him, his team works seamlessly together, getting ready for an incoming resus, as well as an influx of patients.

Moments later 2 paramedics come rushing through the doors of the ambulance bay, talking a mile a minute to Lydia as brings them toward the resus room. “Alexander Lightwood, 25 year old, Male, MVC, extracted with the jaws, lost consciousness on the way here, we started bagging him,” the paramedic looks at his watch “6 minutes ago.” Lydia signs the papers the paramedics hand her once she is done getting report.

“Lydia, you look like you have it handled here, do you two need anything else?” Magnus asks, Lydia looks up taking the stethoscope off from around her neck and puts it in her ears and presses it to the patient’s chest while Dot is busy hooking him up to their monitors.

“No we’re okay here,” She pauses for a second before adding, “But if you could see where the fuck RT is that would be helpful.” A moment later, Ragnor Fell, the respiratory therapist, runs into the room and gets to work. Magnus knows his staff have this handled so he leaves it to them while he goes to triage and helps where he can.

Patients just do not stop coming in as the night trudges on. Magnus is pulled every which way, still managing to let his nurses go for breaks though, he even manages to sneak off for a 30 minute break himself during a small lull in the action.

When he gets back to his desk Lydia comes up to him with an update on their patient from the ambulance. “Okay so our patient in resus, Alexander is stable, he is currently on 8 litres of O2 but he is stable enough to be transferred to a different bed.” Magnus looks over his bed assignments and thinks of where he should go.

“Bring him to bed 17 in high acuity.” She nods her head and walks back to her patient. Magnus runs his hand over his face, it’s been so crazy that he hasn’t even had a chance to focus on the aching in his chest. It’s still there he notices, but definitely just an ache, and an overall soreness, although that can be contributed to the fact that he has been on his feet for a solid 3 hours, running around his ER.

He falls back into the chair at his desk, cautiously optimistic that he can squeeze a tiny bit more paperwork in, asking Helen if there have been any staffing changes for the morning he should be aware of. Thankfully he is able to squeeze out some preparation for the day shift before a monitor beeps loudly. Magnus looks up at the central monitoring system on the monitor above his desk, and sees that bed 17 has gone into v-tach. He feels the heaviness in his chest again, but pushes through it. He jumps out of his chair and grabs runs toward the bed in question.

“Helen, call a code blue to high acuity, Lyds, get over here,” by this point Magnus is at the bedside. Shouting orders before the doctors get there. They have ripped the blankets off of the patient’s body, and are moving the head of the bed down. “Dot the backboard.” She passes him the board and he goes to put it under him. “Okay, let’s roll him on 3. 1, 2, 3.” As they roll him Magnus sees it, in the brief second his back is on display he sees it clear as day. The name Magnus in a flowing script along the back of his ribs. Magnus shakes his head, clearing his thoughts. Dot starts bagging him, while Lydia starts compressions. Just in time, the code blue team comes and takes over. Magnus takes a step back and moment to think through what just happened. His mind is racing, he thinks to himself Magnus must be a common name, he couldn’t possibly be his soul mate.

He walks back to the desk and runs his hand over the nape of his neck. He turns to the clerk beside him, “Helen, what is the patient’s name in bed 17?” He knows he could just as easily look it up, but his mind is everywhere right now. She gives him a slightly curious look, obviously thinking the same thing, but she turns to her computer and looks it up for him.

“Lightwood,” She says, pausing before saying the first name. “Alexander.” Magnus lets out the breath he was holding.

He takes this information and lets it ruminate in his brain for a little while he tries desperately to regain hold of his ER. He makes a quick round and glances up at the clock on the wall, 0639. He takes a breath, so maybe he didn’t get his second break, but most of his staff did, so that’s a win in and of itself. He has 50 minutes until day shift starts, he needs to figure out what the fuck is going on. He sits back at the desk and Catarina fills him in on bed 17.

“He is once again stable, we think we have figured out the right meds to keep him that way. But Magnus,” She looks him in the eye. Over the last few years he has been working in the ER they have gotten close, close enough apparently to broach topics that aren’t completely professional. “When I was doing his assessment I saw it.” Magnus sucks in a breath, she couldn’t have noticed it too, and put two and two together. “That can’t be a coincidence.” She whispers her next words. “Your name on his back, you pretty much collapsing just minutes before his MVC is called in. And don’t think I haven’t seen your soul mark when you are reaching up, you aren’t trying very hard to hide the name on your hip.”

Magnus looks up at her pleading, “My mind is a mess right now, what do I do? I can’t just walk up to him and be like hey, this is completely unprofessional but I think I may be your soulmate.”

She looks back at him and says, “Look, I can’t tell you what to do, but what I can say is his emergency contact is coming in from another state, he will probably be waking up within the next couple hours and your shift ends in,” she glances up at the clock, “40 minutes.”

__________________________________

Magnus skirts through the rest of the shift, he is extremely glad that his staff is so strong because they hold him up when his focus isn’t 100%. He heads to bed 17 on his way out, he’s not sure if he should, but his legs lead him there before his mind can catch up. He sits in the chair next to the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees and rubbing his face with his hands. What am I doing here? He thinks to himself. Just as he is about to get out, he hears movement in the bed and a groan coming from the man. He immediately jumps back into nurse mode.

“No, don't try and talk. Let me get your doctor for you.” Magnus gets out of the chair and goes up to the desk. “Aline can you please page Dr. Loss back here please.” She gives him a look, as if to ask if he’s sure. “Yes I know she hands over 20 minutes, but please get her.”

Cat gets back to the ER quickly and they are able to extubate him once she and Raphael Santiago, the oncoming respiratory therapist are happy with his O2 levels. Once everyone leaves, Magnus walks back toward him. “Are you my nurse?” Alexander asks, his voice still scruffy from the intubation. Magnus huffs out a laugh.

“No, that would be Clary on days I believe.” He pauses to think of whether or not he should tell him. “Uhhhh, I am the charge nurse from nights actually. You gave us quite the scare last night, Alexander.” He tries to sit up in his bed, gritting through his teeth.

“It’s Alec.” Magnus gets up, and helps adjust the head of the bed. Alec takes a sharp breath in.

“Are you okay, do you need me to get your nurse so she can get you some pain meds?”

“Magnus?” Alec whispers, so softly Magnus almost doesn’t hear. Magnus looks down and notices that his badge is right in his eyesight. “It can’t be.”

Magnus sits back down in the chair beside him, wondering what he should say. He puts his head back in his hands, and says softly back at him, “I think it is.”

“So, you know?”

“I saw my name after you coded last night, we were turning you, and it was there, clear as day. And I felt it, the moment your car crashed. I almost collapsed in the middle of my own ER.” He looked back up at Alec, who’s eyes were glossy.

“I never thought I’d find you.” He chokes out. “And it takes me almost dying for you to come to me, what kind of sick karma is that?” Alec tries to laugh, but groans as soon as he starts.

“Don’t try and laugh. You have multiple broken ribs and you are pretty banged up from the accident.” Magnus takes a chance and reaches for Alec’s hand. “You know I tried finding you many times. But Alexander is such a common name, it was no use, I gave up too. I’m sorry for giving up.” Alec looks back at him like he's hung the sun, squeezing his hand as tight as he can manage. They sit there in silence, just holding each other's hands for a few minutes. Magnus can feel his eyes start to droop, the exhaustion from the night before finally starting to catch up with him.

“Magnus, why don’t you go home. If you know where my phone is you can put your number in it.” Alec says with a smirk. Magnus has to say, he’s impressed, even laid up in a hospital bed this man has game. Magnus grabs a piece of scrap paper from his pocket and a pen and jots his name and number down.

He’s handing it to Alec when Clary walks in. She clears her throat, “What are you doing with my patient Magnus?” Magnus' face immediately turns beet red.

“Uhhhh just catching up with an--- old friend?” Magnus answers, although he can tell she’s not convinced.

“Well your old friend here needs to be assessed, besides you should be going home to sleep!” She tells him.

“Yeah yeah, I was just leaving.” As he walks away he hears Alec ask for his phone, and Magnus smirks, hoping he will put that number to good use.

____________________________________

Magnus wakes up to a text from Alec, it’s nothing much, just telling him that he’s been moved up to the ICU. Magnus furrows his brow, he figured he would have been admitted to the hospital, but was hoping he would be able to avoid the ICU. He goes about his evening routine, working out, prepping his lunch for the upcoming shift. He just cuts out his lounging time so he can head into the hospital early. He walks in and throws all his belongings besides his badge, phone and wallet in his lockers, walking to the elevators still in his civilian clothing, a pair of jeans, deep purple v neck t-shirt and his favourite leather jacket. He walks into the ICU and up to the desk which just so happens to be staffed with one of his favourite float clerks, he says he’s there to see Lightwood in room 4017, he is secretly pleased that he is bed 17 on this unit too. She smirks at him knowingly but sends him to the right room.

He walks into the room to see Alec with a small but beautiful young woman with jet black hair, she is sitting on his bed facing Alec, her head thrown back in laughter. “Iz, please don’t make me laugh, it hurts too much.” Magnus takes a good look at Alec, he still looks super banged up, his left leg is elevated and in a cast and he has a nasal cannula giving him oxygen and a quadrupel baxter pump that makes Magnus wince when he thinks about trying not to tangle the lines. He doesn’t realize he’s just been standing there staring into space until a new voice brings him out of his daze.

“You must be Magnus.” The woman says, “I’m Izzy, Alec’s favourite sibling.” She extends her hand which Magnus takes immediately.

“Uhhh yeah, I’m Magnus. I’m not sure what Alexander’s told you about me.”

“Oh honey, I grew up knowing your name. Alec tried desperately to hide his mark from everyone else, but there was no hiding it from me. Although my dear brother didn’t mention how handsome you were.” Magnus smiles shyly, looking toward the ground avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room.

“Iz, stop please, we just met this morning, let us at least get to know each other a bit before you embarrass us.”

Izzy looks at her phone, “Fine, but only because it’s a quarter to 9 and I have to check into my hotel.” She brushes the hair off of Alec’s forehead and places a kiss. “Bye big brother.” She starts to walk out the door and stops right beside Magnus who is still at the door of the room. “Take care of him please.”

“Always,” he breathes out, his voice betraying him before he can think of what he is saying.

Magnus takes the seat beside Alec and takes his hand in his own. He takes a good look at Alec, his breathing is still laboured and his skin is cold. He knows immediately that the ICU is definitely the right unit for him. It pains him to see Alec like this, he knows they just met, but actually feeling the pain that brought him here adds another layer of hurt. They sit there talking, well mostly Magnus talking, for what feels like hours before his IV pump starts to beep. His nurse is in there moments later with another IV bag of fluids and meds, obviously anticipating the completion of the bag.

“You know Magnus, it’s past visiting hours and I should be kicking you out.” Alec’s nurse, Anna says. He recognizes her as one of the float nurses he occasionally gets on his night shifts.

“You know Anna, you could just look the other way.” He flutters his eyelashes, “And I will make sure you get a good assignment the next time you are in my ER.” He adds a wink for good measure.

“You better,” she smiles at him, “But you should really pay attention to the time, it’s already 2240. You aren’t even changed yet.” Magnus looks back to Alec, he knows he needs to leave soon but can’t bring himself to get up from the chair. Alec’s grip on Magnus’ hand starts to loosen and his eyes start to droop close, the pain medication Anna gave him finally taking effect. When his breathing starts to even out, Magnus gets out of his chair, stopping to place a soft kiss on his forehead before he leaves the unit. His shift goes swimmingly, just steady enough that it goes by fast, but not enough that it is out of control. It’s a good thing because his mind and heart is elsewhere.

__________________________________

On the third day of his stay, Alec continues to desat and the doctors end up doing a pleurocentesis, removing the fluid around the lungs and Alec starts to get better after that, better enough that he is moved to the step down unit on day 4. He starts to improve rapidly after that, blowing the doctors and nurses away. On day 8 he gets discharged, with strict orders to have someone watch over him, that’s how they end up here at the entrance to the hospital, Alec’s bag thrown over his shoulder, Alec on crutches holding gripping his prescription in his left hand.

Alec looks over to Magnus and says, “You didn’t have to take time off just to take care of me.”

Magnus smiles back at him as he pulls up to the car he had parked conveniently by the front door. “Of course I did silly, your sister had to leave yesterday and they wouldn’t let you get discharged without someone. Besides I only technically took 1 week off, you just caught me on my week off.” He helps Alec into the car. “Anyway I have some pretty great eye candy to keep me company.” Magnus winks at him, before kissing him gently. Alec brings his hand up under Magnus’ shirt, grazing his fingers along his hip. Magnus feels a spark when Alec goes over his mark, and then it is like everything falls into place. This part of him that was missing for so long, the hole in his heart that he didn’t even know was there was now filled. Sometimes accidents tear people apart, but sometimes they can pull people who were broken back together.

[eushiloh]

⟨ SYDNEY SWEENEY. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, SHILOH MONROE is actually a descendent of H Y P N O S. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-THREE year old DANCE MAJOR from COPENHAGEN, DENMARK has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite EMPATHIC & INDECISIVE.

howdy howdy howdy, i’m h and lemme just start by saying how excited i am to be here and bring this sweet little baby to life. i’m gonna keep this little section short and sweet because there’s HELLA info below (if you read it all, bless u sweet angels) so without further ado, let’s get into it, shall we?

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME shiloh josefine monroe NICKNAME(S) shi, sj OCCUPATION cashier at eonia theater/dance major SEXUALITY: bisexual AGE 23 DATE OF BIRTH march 3rd NATIONALITY danish RELIGION spiritual THREAT LEVEL 3/10

PHYSICAL INFORMATION

FACE CLAIM sydney sweeney HEIGHT 5′4 EYE COLOR blue HAIR COLOUR + STYLE dirty blonde, typically in messy/loose waves DOMINANT HAND left DISTINGUISHING FEATURES big, sleepy eyes, full lips, wide smile, strong dancer legs ACCENT + INTENSITY danish accent (here is a video for reference of how it sounds) TATTOO(S) she has three tattoos, they are all fairly small and dainty. one is a pair of pink ballet slippers on her ankle, then a cresent moon with clouds on the inside of her right wrist, and lastly (her biggest one) is a dream catcher along her left side of her ribs. SCAR(S) one along her right knee from when she fell off a bike as a child and cut her leg open PIERCING(S) five in each ear, she has a nose hoop but forgets about it all the time, and her belly button.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION

HOMETOWN copenhagen, denmark CURRENT RESIDENCE athens, greece LANGUAGE(S) Danish/English SOCIAL CLASS middle BASIC EDUCATION high school COLLEGE EDUCATION currently a junior in college DEGREE(S) N/A PARENT #1 sofia monroe PARENT #2 n/a PET(S) white cat named cloud RAP SHEET? squeaky clean PRISON TIME? yeah right

VICES + HABITS

SMOKES? yes DRINKS? yes DRUGS? only weed VIOLENT? no ADDICTION(S)? sleeping? maybe? SELF-DESTRUCTIVE? sometimes HABIT(S) humming to herself, bouncing her leg, rubbing her lips together, not making eye contact when she speaks, cracking her knuckles HOBBIES dancing, sleeping, binge watching shows in her bed, yoga LIKES native american flute music, the color blue, soft lighting, dance clothes, sleeping in, and reality television DISLIKES loud noises, violence, people staring for too long, and heavy metal music. OBSESSION(S) dancing and sleeping, once again COMPULSION(S) leaving events early to be alone?? does that count?

MISCELLANEOUS INFORMATION

HOUSE hypnos ZODIAC pisces ELEMENT water ANIMAL panda

P O W E R S

when it comes to her powers, the strongest that shiloh has come to obtain would be hypnokinesis , though she tries not to take advantage of it too much. trying be the key word there, because there’s something so entrancing about living in somewhat of a dream like world, which is usually what she likes to use the power for. it first started out with delving into a fantasy land, a place for her to escape to and get lost in, and slowly she found herself falling deeper and deeper into her own rabbit hole. even as a young lady, she’d always heard people refer to her as their “dream girl” and once she realized she had the ability to somewhat make some dreams come true, she couldn’t help but sink into her title. once she got the hang of it, she couldn’t help but use it to her advantage here and there, if she had a crush on somebody she would appear in their dreams more and more. a sucker for romance, it was basically how she swayed her suitors, although sometimes it was for nothing whenever she realized it was all fantasy and never reality. still, living in dream worlds was too delicious not to become wrapped up in, that it became something she mastered perfectly. whether it was astral projecting herself into other settings while she was sleeping, or into other dreams, it seemed shiloh was entirely infatuated with living in her own little dream worlds. although, something that came hand in hand with dreams were nightmares, an area that shiloh hated getting stuck in.

something that she is wanting to dip her toes into more, would be her shapeshifting abilities. the blonde has only been able to do such in a limited ability, only recently being able to do so whenever she is fully awake. it’s uncomfortable, sure, but there’s something so mesmerizing about taking on the form of something else….or better yet someone else. often there’s many eyes on her, so being able to blend into a background and garner less attention is a rush of relief for her.

the girl has also always excelled in the levitation ability aspect of her life, shiloh has always been rather light on her feet, it was almost as if she was always floating. almost a picture of grace, it brought her face to face with something she adored at a rather early age: dancing. enrolled in classes from the age of 8, shiloh practically could float across a dance floor with elegance, something she now contributes to her levitation aspect of her powers.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

with wide eyes and a soft smile, shiloh had always been rather quiet yet somehow still garnered the attention in a room. she wasn’t the type of girl to command it though, often keeping to herself, there was something magnetic and glowy about her that made her fall into the social hierarchy without really trying to. the blonde had always prided herself on being a good friend to those around her, even if they never gave her the same respect back, and soon realized that she was becoming a doormat to those around her. she kept everyone’s secrets, harboring them inside her like a vessel and remembering the little things others might have even forgotten they’d told her. soon enough, shiloh had realized she had enough dirt and ammo on those around her that if they ever did cross her, she’d use against them if need be. but luckily, thus far, the girl never had to shoot her shot to the heart just yet. a part of her always wondered if she had the guts to do it anyways, to cross those who she’d held nearest and dearest, or if she’d end up chickening out from the fear of hurting them too much. a never ending battle of right and wrong within her, she often finds herself torn and defeated by the end of the day. it makes her almost come off as flaky and aloof, although her intentions are typically anything but pure, her own overthinking tends to be her downfall. never letting anyone close enough to pick her brain, she is a beautiful mystery with expectations that had always been built upon her back. to be perfect, to be a vision of grace and poise, but sometimes she just wants to let loose and say fuck it to everything that had ever been expected of her and prove that she’s anything but a delicate flower. she has thorns that she’s never shown, and she fears if anyone gets to close, she’ll draw blood without warning.

EXTRA THINGS LOL

shiloh is on the dance team, obviously, the girl lives for dancing and when she’s not dancing....she’s probably napping. 

also she has a job at the eonia theater as a cashier, so you’ll see her little sleepy self behind the counter and sometimes sneaking into the show to sleep in the back.

her mother was the type to live vicariously through her, always putting pressure on her to be “perfect” and put together. there was even a time in her younger years whenever her mother would put her into pageants, which shiloh absolutely hated, it was too much energy towards something she hated which ultimately left her feeling even more drained than normal. in fact, any pictures remaining of that time in her life are privately stored away and she refuses to revisit that memory which she even went lengths to alter from people’s brains whenever she figured out she had that ability.

the only good thing that she found from pageants was her love of dance, something that shiloh has passionately pursued all her life. she was enrolled in ballet mostly but soon fell in love with contemporary dance, and it was something that satisfied her mother, a win-win.

even though she was accepted as someone that was a part of the “in-crowd” in high school, celeste suffers from social anxiety, instead of hanging out at parties she often finds herself slipping away and disappearing. she’s much more of a homebody than someone who enjoys going out, being peer pressured is something she often falls victim to because she’s afraid of coming off as flaky, although she tends to do so anyways due to her disappearing acts.

the relationship she has with her mother is strained, because while she loves her mom, the constant pressure to “perform” and the way her mother sort of pushed her and talked so highly of her has her nervous to disappoint those around her. she constantly feels as if she has to be some sort of social butterfly, when the idea of getting close to people terrifies her, leaving her in a never-ending cycle of what she SHOULD be and what she WANTS to be.

speaking of relationships, most of celeste’s tend to fizzle out quickly once her partners discover she’s not all that they dreamt her up to be. it could be her fault, inserting herself into people’s dreams to learn more about them, that most of her relationships die out after the honeymoon phase...making her fear commitment all together.

she’s a pisces, because....well, obviously.

shiloh is bisexual, although she is a little nervous about dating women seeing as her mother wouldn’t quite understand, most of her public relationships have been exclusively with men due to her fear of disappointing her mother.

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.