#but like-- idk if i'll have it in me to do anything after that lmao
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Well, well, well, dissecting time just so I can remind Maggie that I am in her walls (thanks you've passed your illness onto me)
1. "Afterwards, Mason pulls his clothes back on as you are absentmindedly drawing stars in the steam on the windows of his Chevy Silverado."
A) Even at home, she's dreaming/ thinking about the stars (Hollywood stars)
2. "It was good, not that you finished; you didn’t say anything, he didn’t ask, but even if he had you would have told him not to worry about it. It can take forever, especially with an audience. You’d rather wait until you’re alone."
A) Don't worry baby girl, Aegon is gonna make you finish in front of him and I'll you'll love it
3. Mason smirks and taunts: “I don’t know, with the way you talk about him you sound kind of obsessed.”
A) we all are Mason, shut up
4. “You ever feel like people are the best versions of themselves before you really know them? Then you get too close and all the cracks start showing.”
A) well I didn't like that foreshadowing
B) she's gonna get close to Aegon and we know he's a messed up man 😭
C) I'll she'll still love him though
5. “And it’s only until the end of the year,” your father adds. “Then the vacation is over.” Then the meager allowance they are funneling to you will stop and you will be ordered to return home to pursue an honorable course of existence. You have six months to succeed in Hollywood, or the dream dies."
A) Or when Aegon dies...
B) Maggie, are you in my walls? This is my family 😭
6. “Well, regardless of whatever you have going on in California, you’ll either have to get them done now or after you have children,” Mom says. “I love you and Clara and Tripp, but you destroyed my body. At least doctors can repair breasts. My bladder is still useless."
A) mother? What you doing here, loca?
B) how Sunshine is so sunny, idk. I guess you have to have rain to appreciate the sun
C) no wonder she think she needs plastic surgery- not just for Hollywood but she probably feels like she needs to live up to her parents expectations somehow (cuz she feels like she is disappointing them with her choice of job?)
7. Outside the sun is setting, and you gaze westward as the aging daylight turns the tall green grass and silhouettes of horses to gold like the mines that first brought settlers to California. You slide your phone out of the pocket of your denim shorts and take a photo, then post it to your Instagram story with the caption Home and a smiley face emoji.
A) Sunshines reminder that social media is fake lmao
B) but this is a mood- it gives crying whilst doing a thumbs up picture 😭👍🤳
Also those dogs? I love dogs but these ones are scary! The family and the dogs seem to hate her?! My God. Are they picking up on the family hostility to her?
If they don't shape up, unlike the bats- I won't mind if Jace steps on one of these.. (jk)
8. A minute later, you receive a DM. Aegon has typed: This explains the big horse girl energy
A) Aegon ever heard of playing it cool?
B) damn he's down bad
9. You have just finished ringing up a Like It-sized Apple Pie A La Cold Stone when Josh says: “Hey, there’s an old guy asking for you."
A) oh an old man, imagine if he meant Aegon-
B) HE DID! Mf ain't old
C) I also squealed like she did when I recognised the shoes 🥰
10. When Aegon begins to pull it away, you grab his hand and don’t let go until you’ve licked the spoon clean. He laughs hysterically as he watches you. “I haven’t had strawberry ice cream in forever,” you say.
A) and if I say 👀
B) foreshadowing...
C) also hello Simon Bassett from Bridgerton?
11. “Don’t tell me you’re a vanilla girl.”
A) for now Aegon...
B) He will show her the different flavours
C) also could symbolise that she is kinda naive and then as the story progresses- she's not so sweet anymore 😀
13. “It’s small,” Aegon warns. “It’s an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.”
A) said every man ever 😉😂
B) ooh will she be in season 56, episode 28?
14. “Because once you begin to treat scalpels and needles as prescriptions for everything you don’t like about yourself—or everything that other people don’t like about you—..... that are carving away your humanity one incision at a time. I’ve seen it happen to more people than I could count, and I don’t want it to happen to you. Because you seem very, very human, and I’d like you to stay that way. Which means you don’t cut yourself up because some agent or producer or casting director told you to.” Then he adds, perhaps as an afterthought: “And anyway, you don’t need implants.”
A) did he have to do something to make people (or him) like himself more?
B) omg did his dad make or encourage his siblings/ family to change to become more famous, to carry on his legacy in Hollywood? Did Aemond try and change himself and now he's took a step back into scriptwriting cuz atleast then he can control his own story?
C) she's gonna lose or nearly lose her humanity in this industry, I can see it. It's gonna break her down and then Aegon and her have feel better sex..
15. “Always so agreeable,” Aegon muses. So desperate is more like it.
A).... need I say more
16. “The Chinese zodiac. You’re a horse. So you’re the only horse I like.”
A) you're killing me
B) she's gonna like riding this horse 😭 (I'll let myself out)
17. His face is some amalgamation of emotions you can’t read, and this is unusual.“Why do you think I paid in cash?”
A) either becca is crazy
B) or his family are and they'll update becca
C) or both. Like I said before- maybe they set him up wirh becca to calm him down, to make him (the targaryens) look good in the papers
18. “I got you a vanilla latte, vanilla girl.”
A) a possible other nickname?
B) all her nicknames are cute and sunny, like her until this industry snuffs it out 😀
19. Then you are in the scenes under intensely radiant artificial light, and just like it did in your roles back in Minnesota, the real world vanishes and all that exists are these characters, these moments, and your body and mind become theirs, and perhaps even your soul too. Your husband is handsome and kind, and here in this liminal fictional space you love him, and when the surgeons wheel him off to the operating room you are full of blind naïve surety. Then the doctors update you on his condition and you are still hopeful, but it becomes a fragile thing, like something that shatters when it’s dropped from a height. And then he is dead, he has been taken away from you, he has been stolen, and you are eclipsed by a blood-red wrath that is animalistic and unforgiving. After each take when you are ripped back through the veil and into reality, you can’t remember exactly what you did or said, and the director doesn’t have many critiques so you aren’t sure how it’s going.
A) This whole thing felt like a summary for the story
B) at first she's whisked away in a world of Hollywood: glitter and glammer. She's "full of blind naive surety"..
C) Then it's she's less so but she still tries to be optimistic? As she realises this is not what she signed up for
D) husband is dead, Aegon is dead? Then she's full of rage
E) under artificial light? The Hollywood spotlight..
F) she starts to give them her body (plastic surgery), her mind (she starts to doubt and panic in fame) and then her soul (Hollywood kills her optimism and dream)
Also- Are the eyeshadows representing things?
A) In the first chapter she had shimmery, pink, warm brown eyeshadow (showing that she is warm, positive and sparkling with a dream, it's all new).
B) when she's with Mason, it's sparkly black. Like she's not 100% with him but that's okay because she still has her dream that she's gonna be able to be an actress and subconsciously be with someone better...
C) in the ice cream shop, she has bright pink- so bright in optimism still and pink meaning flirtatious feelings for Aegon?
Idk, all this is my crazy mind and I love whatever you come out with!
A Curse [Chapter 2: Harbor Gateway]
A/N: Thank you for the warm welcome you have given this series!!! I am sick with bronchitis currently so this has been a big bright spot in an otherwise miserable week 😅 I can't wait to show you where this story is going, I hope you're ready for it 🥰💜
Series summary: You are an aspiring actress. Aegon is a washed-up and disenchanted agent...at least until he sees something special in you. But within paradisical seaside Los Angeles you find terrible dangers and temptations, secrets and lies. Maybe Aegon's right; maybe the City of Angels really is a curse.
Chapter warnings: Language, a tiny bit of sexual content (18+ readers only), age-gap relationship, entertainment industry misogyny, some body dissatisfaction/dysmorphia, ice cream, judgmental parents, aggressive Akitas, we're literally in Minnesota!!!
Word count: 6.1k
💜 All my writing can be found HERE! 💜
Tagging: @lauraneedstochill @mrs-starkgaryen @chattylurker @neithriddle @ecstaticactus, more in comments! 🥰
🏝️ Let me know if you’d like to be added to the taglist 🏝️
Afterwards, Mason pulls his clothes back on as you are absentmindedly drawing stars in the steam on the windows of his Chevy Silverado. On the other side of the glass is inky Minnesota night, a full moon dissolving away, glowing freckles of constellations. You’re staying with your parents and Mason has roommates, so the truck was the expedient choice. It was good, not that you finished; you didn’t say anything, he didn’t ask, but even if he had you would have told him not to worry about it. It can take forever, especially with an audience. You’d rather wait until you’re alone.
Mason glances down at the used condom on the floor of his Silverado, hastily discarded, viscerally slick in a way that becomes sickening in the letdown, as the endorphins and the adrenaline slip away and the blood pumps slow and unclouded. He smirks as he asks: “You sure you don’t want to get back on the pill?”
You sigh, drawing another star. You are still naked and sprawled across the back seat, glistening with sweat in the moonlight. “Well I tried three different prescriptions and had three miserable experiences, and I’m really not interested in playing side effect roulette again. And I can’t risk my skin going insane and random bleeding when I’m running around all over L.A. trying to get parts.”
“What about that little sperm assassin T-shaped thing?”
You look at him. “An IUD?”
“Yeah.”
You wince, engraving another star into the steam on the window. “I don’t think I like the idea of having a piece of metal shoved up inside me.”
He laughs. “But you’ll get silicone implants?”
You shrug; you can’t deny the irony. “I don’t need an IUD to be an actress.”
“Look, I’m not complaining about the tits thing,” Mason says, holding up his hands. “Obviously I’d enjoy them too. And you’d still have them when you move home, so it’s not a waste even if the acting thing doesn’t work out.”
You already know he feels this way, and yet still, it hurts. “When I move home?”
He smiles and crawls back on top of you, his Carleton College hoodie whispering against your belly and chest, soft royal blue cotton on damp skin. He had been a Political Science and International Relations major who took Theater Arts 195: Acting Shakespeare for an arts credit. He was beyond terrible and had no appreciation for the field whatsoever, but he was tall and strong and jolly, an earnest corn-fed Midwestern boy, and when one day after class he’d asked if he could take you to Culver’s for a burger and frozen custard, you’d said yes.
Here and now, in the back seat of his Chevy Silverado, Mason kisses your forehead. Then he ghosts his thumb over the ridge of your orbital socket and cheekbone, where your dark glittery eyeshadow has smudged like a spreading bruise: Galaxy by Anastasia Beverly Hills, Elysian by Natasha Denona. “I’m not saying you aren’t good. But how many people on this planet get to be movie stars? It’s just not realistic. And it’s about so much more than talent. It’s about who you know, and luck, and chemistry, and looks, and a bunch of other things that are mostly out of your control. You’re never going to be the type of girl who’s an influencer or winning Miss America, you’re just not. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t very, very pretty. And I loved you anyway.”
Loved, past tense. You and Mason stopped using that word a year ago; now the nostalgia is painting memories like the walls of an old house. His memories, anyway. You sit up and start yanking on your clothes: oversized yellow Santa Monica crewneck, black sweatpants with elastic cuffs at the ankles. “I think I’m going to get the gummy bear implants.”
Mason licks his lips. “Yum.”
“They’re a type of silicone, but they’re supposed to feel more natural and be less dangerous if they rupture.”
“Will you have scars?” he says as if the notion has just occurred to him, troubled, perhaps a little revolted.
“Well yeah, they have to end up under my skin somehow.”
Mason shudders, then he has another thought. “Who’s going to take care of you after surgery when you’re all sore and zonked out on opioids?”
“My roommate Baela said she would. She’s had friends who have gone through it already.”
“Okay, good. I wouldn’t want you to be alone out there.” Mason touches the back of your head, a quick fond gesture. He’s the only man you’ve ever been with, and even that took a while, months of trying to envision him undressing you before you were sure you could do it without flinching, without being afraid or shy or bewildered. But in the end it had been easy, always easy, which is why you keep coming back to him like a comet. Your elliptical orbit takes you far away and then close again, and such natural patterns are effortless to keep.
You say, the edges of your lips curling into a furtive smile: “I’m definitely not alone.”
Mason groans. “You’re going to hook up with that new agent guy, aren’t you?”
“What? No! No way, he has a fiancée.”
He rolls his eyes, but he’s more amused than annoyed. “Okay, whatever.”
“You know I don’t date anyone.” Which is why each time you’re home visiting, Mason gets a text: Want to get lunch at Culver’s? or Can you drive me to Target? or Pick me up around 9 p.m.?
Mason smirks and taunts: “I don’t know, with the way you talk about him you sound kind of obsessed.”
“I’m just grateful. Someone finally gave me a chance.” You look to the window; the steam and your hand-drawn stars have evaporated away. “And yeah, he’s interesting and he’s cute, and he’s kind of mean but then unexpectedly caring sometimes, and I think he’s one of those people who are really good at what they do but only when they’re inspired…but that doesn’t mean I’m into him romantically.” A pause. “And even if I was, there’s no harm in a super-secret, one-sided crush.”
“Okay. Have fun with all the adulterous sex.”
You chuckle. “Thanks, but that is not the plan.” You slip on your flip-flops, shimmy out of the back seat, and trot around the Silverado to the passenger’s door. Mason climbs into the driver’s seat and turns his key in the ignition. You ask: “What happened to that ballerina girl who was in your Instagram stories for a while?”
“Had to ghost her, she got super clingy and controlling. She was texting me at work all the time and got pissed off when I was putting a ton of hours into that election thing for CNN.” Mason is a political analyst. He turns to you. “You ever feel like people are the best versions of themselves before you really know them? Then you get too close and all the cracks start showing.”
“I think people are wonderful. You just have to find the ones you click with.”
“I should have figured you’d say something like that.” He steers his truck out of the otherwise empty parking lot in Lac Lavon Park. “I’m looking forward to you being home again.”
“I’m not.”
You both laugh, and then Mason drives you to your parents’ house.
At the dining room table, Mom and Clara are researching wedding venues, vast countryside estates and metropolitan historic hotels. Clara got engaged two weeks ago during a vacation to Turks and Caicos. In the living room, Dad and Tripp are watching commentary on the NBA Finals. Tripp’s name isn’t really Tripp; he is the third James in a row, named after your father and grandfather, and Tripp is short for triple. All over the house, there are Akitas lolling in plush dog beds and clicking around on Brazilian Cherry hardwood floors. They have faces like teddy bears, but their dark eyes track you mistrustfully, as if you are an intruder.
No one asks where you have been. They barely acknowledge that you are back. “Hello, dear,” your mother calls distractedly from the dining room, and that’s all. You jog upstairs to the bathroom you share with Clara before anyone can notice your smeared makeup and the unsavory post-car-sex sweat gleaming on your skin. You get into the shower, turn on water so hot it is nearly scalding, and close your eyes. With your back pressed to the jade green tiles, your hand wanders down over your belly and stops between your legs. Your mind cycles through fantasies, but nothing seems to be working.
It’s not real. It can’t hurt anybody.
You imagine that Aegon is the one touching you, and in under a minute it’s over.
~~~~~~~~~~
“I want there to be horses,” Clara says, scrolling through her phone and ignoring the food on her plate: roast chicken, homemade mashed potatoes, green beans sauteed in garlic and olive oil, panzanella salad. Mom prepared it all herself, not because there was no help available—your parents have a housekeeper named Angela who comes by several days per week—but to prove she could. In the living room are shelves heavy with books by Martha Stewart, Ina Garten, Cat Cora, Julia Child, Nigella Lawson. You hear echoes of ambient clicking, Akitas meandering down hallways and staircases.
“Horses?!” Tripp replies with a mouthful of mashed potatoes, gesturing to the sliding glass door. “Don’t you get enough horses in your everyday life? Don’t you have like five right out there?” Your parents’ house sits on ten acres of land, including a barn and several paddocks for Clara’s rescued Thoroughbreds.
“I want beautiful horses,” Clara insists. “Unusual, photogenic, so they can be in the background of all the photos. Maybe Friesians or Haflingers?”
“I’m not sure we can sort the venues by types of horses available, dear,” Mom says. All that’s on her own plate is a heap of green beans and a few pieces of skinless white meat chicken.
Clara moans and drops her face into her hands. “It’s so overwhelming!”
“You’ll find a place you like, Clara Bear,” Dad says mildly, painstakingly slicing meat off a drumstick with his fork and knife.
“And Owen is no help at all. Every time I ask for his opinion he just tells me to do whatever I think is best, but I don’t know what’s best, that’s why I’m asking him!”
Your mother pats Clara’s shoulder reassuringly. “Guys don’t care about weddings,” Tripp says, twisting around in his chair to see the television in the living room. On a rerun of E! News, the hosts are discussing Chris Hemsworth’s rigorous fitness regime and Meghan Trainor’s “mommy makeover.” You peek under the tablecloth. One of the Akitas, Yuki, is glaring as she waits for you to drop something for her to eat.
“You could do something like that,” Mom says to you, and you realize you haven’t been listening to the conversation.
“Sorry, do what?”
“You could be a wedding planner or a real estate agent. Those are actual careers, but there’s more creativity involved, isn’t there? And didn’t you take a design class in college? That would certainly come in handy.”
“Hm,” your father says with a frown, still dissecting his chicken. He would rather you go to law school like Tripp. You would rather lie down in traffic.
“I took a set design class, Mom. Because I was studying how to be an actress. And that’s what I’m doing right now in Los Angeles, trying to be an actress.”
“You could become an architect!” Mom bursts out with sudden enthusiasm. “Wouldn’t that be fun?”
You titter evasively. “I can’t draw, Mom. Or use the modeling software, or do math.”
“You know, you don’t need any specific degree to get into law school,” Tripp says, and your father gives him a nod of approval. “You could have majored in dance or bagpiping or Egyptology, it doesn’t matter. All they want is a high undergrad GPA and a 168+ LSAT score, and I bet you could get that if you studied. You can even retake the test a few times if you need to.”
“Why do you do that?” Clara snaps at him. You eat your panzanella salad and pretend not to be listening. Beneath the tablecloth, Yuki growls. You toss her a few cubes of Italian bread so she won’t bite you.
Tripp shovels mashed potatoes into his mouth. “Do what?”
“Why are you always wasting your time trying to convince her to grow up and get a real job? If she wants to embarrass herself, let her. I have problems that I’m trying to solve, so how about applying yourself to those instead?”
“Are you serious? You think I should be calling around to wedding venues asking about their selection of exotic draft horses?”
Clara aggressively stabs at her green beans with her fork. “Fuck off, Tripp.”
“Hey, hey, kids, no swearing,” your mother says. “It’s Father’s Day. Be respectful.”
Dad turns to you. “You could be an entertainment lawyer, how about that? You could work in intellectual property or negotiating contracts.”
You smile warily. “I’ll think about it, Dad.”
Clara says to your parents: “Well I hope all the money you’re throwing out the window to support her in California isn’t coming out of my wedding fund.”
You close your eyes and think: I can’t spend my life in a cubical. I can’t spend every minute of every day trying to forget who I am.
“Shh, shh,” your mother pleads, rubbing the back of Clara’s clenched hand. “You will get exactly what we promised you, that amount is still set aside for your wedding. Nothing she does affects you.”
“And it’s only until the end of the year,” your father adds. “Then the vacation is over.” Then the meager allowance they are funneling to you will stop and you will be ordered to return home to pursue an honorable course of existence. You have six months to succeed in Hollywood, or the dream dies.
Your father is now asking Tripp about his summer associate position at Latham & Watkins in Chicago. Your mother is advising Clara to get a wedding dress with a corset back so it can be adjusted in the event she gains or loses weight at the last minute. Underneath the table, Yuki is growling again; she noses your knees threateningly.
“I got an agent,” you say, and everyone looks at you.
“Really?” Mom asks, sounding a little perplexed.
“Who is it?” Dad says.
“Aegon Targaryen. He has a small office in Elysian Park.”
“Oh, I think I recognize the last name.”
“His family is in the industry.” You are beaming; you can feel the heat rising in your face. “But Aegon kind of does his own thing and tries to stay out of the limelight. He was an actor when he was my age. And I guess he thinks I can get roles, so that’s really exciting.”
Your mother seems concerned as she nibbles at a shred of white meat. “Is he an older man?”
“Not that much older. He’s thirty-five.”
“Well, be careful, darling,” your father says gravely. “Who knows what his intentions are.”
Clara evidently agrees. “Men can be so creepy. I had this one professor in pharmacy school who cheated on his wife with one student, then cheated on her six months later with a different student. And then he retired to Boca Raton and was never heard from again.”
“Oh, that reminds me!” Tripp says to your father. “We read about Clinton v. Jones in torts class, it was wild, I didn’t know he was such a freak even before the Monica Lewinsky thing��”
After dinner, while your father and Tripp are flipping through television channels in the living room and Clara is upstairs on the phone with Owen, you go to the kitchen where your mother is washing dishes in a bubble-filled sink. Again, she doesn’t have to do this; Angela will be here to clean the house tomorrow. But it’s part of being a perfect homemaker, and if she’s not good at this then she’s not good at anything.
She glances over when she hears you come in. “Did you get an appointment with one of the doctors your father recommended?”
“I did, yeah. I have a consultation on Friday.” You lean against the marble countertop and cross your arms so you don’t fidget nervously. From a dog bed on the floor, Mochi glowers at you. “Do you think I should get the surgery?”
She shrugs; you’re not certain if she is more indecisive or apathetic. “Your cousin Madison had a nose job the summer before college. Your old classmate Emma got a blepharoplasty and then met her husband three months later. Practically all of my friends have had breast augmentations, and I’ve certainly never regretted mine. I think if you’re going to get anything fixed, it makes sense to pick that.”
You try again to elicit a strong opinion, whether an endorsement or objection. “I don’t think I’d want to do it if I didn’t feel like it was necessary to be an actress.”
“Well, regardless of whatever you have going on in California, you’ll either have to get them done now or after you have children,” Mom says. “I love you and Clara and Tripp, but you destroyed my body. At least doctors can repair breasts. My bladder is still useless.”
You stare at Mochi distractedly. The dog huffs, unwelcoming. “What was the recovery like?”
“Oh, hell,” your mother says. “But once you heal up it’s worth it. I can wear square necklines and strapless dresses again.”
“Technically, you could have worn whatever you wanted.”
She gives you an impatient look, a you’re too old for that sort of frustration. “No one wants to see some sad flabby woman.” She is including your father in this statement. You remember being home for Thanksgiving Break during your freshman year at Carleton and inadvertently stumbling upon emails from one of the hospital interns when you used his laptop to buy movie tickets: indecent inuendoes, flirtatious photos, no smoking gun but certainly more than was appropriate between colleagues. You had tried to tell your mother, and she had deflected over and over again until you realized that she didn’t want to know; it was easier to be carried by the currents of momentum than to rock the boat until it sank. “This agent of yours…is he celebrating Father’s Day with his family?”
“No, Aegon lost his dad when he was in college.”
“That must have been difficult,” she says vaguely as she scrubs a pot with a green Scotch-Brite dish wand. Your parents are now at the age when their friends have begun to succumb to strokes and heart disease and cancers, and the lurking specter of mortality both horrifies and fascinates them. “What did he die of?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Mom?!” Clara shouts from upstairs. “Osaka is puking in the hallway!”
Your mother sighs and dries her hands on a dish towel, then leaves you alone in the kitchen. You linger there for a while, listening to the faint drone of CNN from the living room television, then leave the house through the sliding glass door in the dining room. Outside the sun is setting, and you gaze westward as the aging daylight turns the tall green grass and silhouettes of horses to gold like the mines that first brought settlers to California. You slide your phone out of the pocket of your denim shorts and take a photo, then post it to your Instagram story with the caption Home and a smiley face emoji.
A minute later, you receive a DM. Aegon has typed: This explains the big horse girl energy
You laugh and respond: They belong to my sister, I am personally very anti-horse
You hope he’ll continue the conversation. You don’t have to wait long. How’s Minnesota? Aegon asks.
You stop and consider how to answer, then decide not to overshare. Devoid of palm trees…but good!
There is a pause—perhaps thirty seconds—and then Aegon types: How’s the ex-boyfriend?
Is he curious or jealous? You smile. Still not standing in the way of anything :)
Aegon reacts with a heart emoji, then immediately switches it to a thumbs-up. You cannot ignore the wave of warmth and fondness and exhilaration that overwhelms you. Logically, you know he’s engaged to another woman. Emotionally, it doesn’t seem relevant.
You think: It’s just a crush. It can’t hurt anybody.
Then you remember what your mother asked, and as you stand outside in the fading dusk light you Google Aegon’s father Viserys Targaryen. He has his own Wikipedia page. You scroll to the bottom, where it reads in nondescript black letters: On October 27, 2009, Targaryen passed away at his Malibu residence after a long illness.
~~~~~~~~~~
You have just finished ringing up a Like It-sized Apple Pie A La Cold Stone when Josh says: “Hey, there’s an old guy asking for you.”
“What?” You look towards the ice cream freezer and there he is, dark jeans, green Nike Killshots, a yellow Hawaiian shirt that’s too big for him. “It’s my agent!” you shout as you rush over to meet him, loud enough that everyone in the shop turns to stare.
“Shh,” Aegon says, but he’s laughing.
“What are you doing here?” you ask from behind the counter.
“I got some good news, and I wanted to tell you in person.”
“Cool! Should I make you ice cream first?”
“Um, sure.” Aegon surveys the menu of Signature Creations. He seems overwhelmed; he actually looks a little panicked.
“Are you usually a chocolate or vanilla person? Or peanut butter, or coffee? Or mint?”
“Strawberry,” Aegon says.
“Strawberry,” you echo, surprised. “Okay, I think you’ll like Our Strawberry Blonde.”
“Neat.”
“Because, you know, it has strawberries and you’re blonde.”
“Sounds literally perfect for me,” Aegon says, smiling.
“What size?”
“Uh…” He reads the labels on the cups in the display case. “The big one.”
“No, you have to say the real name.”
He chuckles. His cheeks are pink, his turbulent blue eyes sparkling. “I’m not saying that.”
“Then I’m not making you ice cream!”
He groans. “I want an Our Strawberry Blonde in the size Gotta Have It.”
“Cup, cone, or waffle cone bowl?”
“Stop asking me questions or you’re fired.”
“Waffle cone bowl,” you decide. Aegon studies you as you work, his head tilted thoughtfully to the side: scraping a mound of strawberry ice cream out of the freezer with your metal spatulas, taking it to the cold countertop, and smashing in graham cracker pie crust, caramel, fluffy whipped topping, and fresh strawberries. You use one of the spatulas to expertly scoop the mixture into a waffle cone bowl, not spilling a drop. Then you hand Aegon his ice cream and ring him up at the cash register. He pays in cash.
You ask Josh, the manager on duty, if you can take your fifteen-minute break now. He frowns. “I thought you were going to refill the yellow cake and Oreo cookie mix-ins first.”
“Hey,” Aegon says. He waves a ten-dollar bill in the air to show it to Josh and then dunks it in the tip jar. “Do it yourself.”
“Fine,” Josh mutters to you. “But you don’t get a second over fifteen minutes.”
There’s no time to waste. You hurry to a small table by the window. It’s 8:30 p.m., and outside the world is indigo-dark and threaded with inorganic sparks of headlights, streetlights, kaleidoscopic neon signs. Your eyeshadow is vibrant and pink, because no one cares about that when you work at an ice cream shop: Push by Natasha Denona, Coax by Urban Decay.
Aegon takes his first taste of his ice cream as he sits down in the chair across from you. “You were right, this is delicious. A bop, not a flop.” Then he notices the bruise on your right wrist. “What the hell happened to your hand?”
“Oh. One of the Akitas bit me. Don’t worry, I can cover it up with concealer.”
Aegon is irritated. “Why is your mother letting her Akitas bite you?”
“It was my fault. I forgot that Oni doesn’t like when people pet his feet.”
Aegon sighs, stirring his Our Strawberry Blonde. “You want some of this?”
“I can’t,” you say reluctantly.
He raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean you can’t?”
“I already had a little cup when I got here this afternoon so I have regrettably hit my ice cream quota for the day.” And then, when Aegon clearly does not approve: “I try not to restrict too much but obviously staying the same size takes effort. That’s not a disorder, it’s just reality.”
Aegon seems to debate arguing, then instead scoops up a heaping spoonful of ice cream and holds it out across the table. “Come on. It doesn’t count if it’s on my spoon.”
You smile sheepishly and open your mouth for him. Your lips close around the plastic spoon: coldness, sweetness, the grit of pulverized graham cracker pie crust, the infinitesimal black seeds of strawberries that catch between your teeth. When Aegon begins to pull it away, you grab his hand and don’t let go until you’ve licked the spoon clean. He laughs hysterically as he watches you. “I haven’t had strawberry ice cream in forever,” you say.
“Don’t tell me you’re a vanilla girl.”
“I am,” you confess. “I know the joke. But I really do always get the vanilla-adjacent flavors. Cookie dough, French vanilla, sweet cream, cheesecake…”
Aegon smirks playfully. “Pathetic.”
“So you’re an enlightened being because you eat strawberry ice cream.”
“Boring people like vanilla. Kids like chocolate. Interesting adults like strawberry.”
“Do you actually have good news for me or did you just come here to be a ghoul?”
“I got you a part.”
“What?!” you squeal, and people are gawking again. This time, Aegon doesn’t tell you to be quiet. “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” he replies, grinning like he can’t help it.
“A part in what?”
“It’s small,” Aegon warns. “It’s an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.”
You scream; Josh scowls at you from behind the counter. “Oh my God, no way, no way!”
“You’re going to be the wife of a guy the doctors kill with negligence. Three scenes, two are pretty short and unremarkable but then you get to yell at the surgeon in the last one. Gives you the opportunity to show some range and make an impression.”
You can’t believe this is happening. “They aren’t going to make me audition first?”
“Well…it’s very last-minute,” Aegon says. “The actress who was supposed to do it has a drug problem or something, I guess, so she ghosted and they were scrambling for a replacement. And I completely fabricated your credentials.”
“What? Really?”
“Yeah, I typed up a resume and sent it over and they loved it. So try not to talk about your actual experience because none of it will match.”
You shake your head, stunned, amazed. “What if they try to contact one of my alleged former employers?”
“Then they’ll be talking to Aemond, and he will lie and say you were an absolute pleasure to work with.”
Aemond Targaryen: Aegon’s younger brother, a screenwriter, a philanthropist, a well-respected entity in Hollywood, and you know this from the Googling that preceded your first meeting with Aegon last week. “And Aemond doesn’t mind helping you commit fraud?”
“It’s not a favor I call in very often.” Aegon finishes his ice cream, then begins breaking apart the waffle cone bowl and shoving shard-like pieces into his mouth.
“When’s the shoot?”
“Very very early on Thursday, that’s the bad news.” Thursday is two days from now. “So I’ll have to pick you up at your apartment at like 5 a.m.”
“That’s fine. I’ll be ready.”
He smiles, gnawing on a chunk of his waffle cone bowl. “I figured.”
“You’re going too?” The hope is unmistakable in your voice.
“Of course I’m going.”
“I didn’t think agents usually went to film shoots.”
“Well, fortunately for you, your agent is imminently fleeing Los Angeles and has already parted ways with most of his clients and really has nothing else going on besides hiding in his office and playing a Nintendo 64, so I figured I could make it. And also if I’m going to be enthusiastically recommending you to people, I should probably see you work at some point.”
You wiggle your eyebrows flirtatiously. “Do I get to make out with my fake husband?”
Aegon is amused. “From what I understand, you get to chastely kiss him once. They’re sending the script over to my office first thing in the morning, so you’ll only have a day to learn your lines.”
“That’s enough time. I’ll make it work.”
“Always so agreeable,” Aegon muses. So desperate is more like it.
Thursday. “Is the shoot just one day?”
“Yeah, they should be able to get everything they need from you on Thursday morning. Why?”
“I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday and I was just wondering if I’d have to reschedule it.”
Aegon is immediately vigilant. “What kind of appointment?”
“Uh…” You smirk guiltily. “It’s just a consultation. No slicing yet.”
“And you’re going to cancel that,” Aegon says flatly.
“Seriously?”
“Do you want implants because you want them or because you think other people want you to have them?”
You hesitate. “Both.” That’s probably a lie.
Aegon leans back in his chair and studies you. “Yeah, you’re cancelling that appointment.”
“Why?”
“Because when I agreed to sign you, you told me that you’d do anything I say. And I’m telling you to cancel it.”
“But why don’t you want me to get implants? Everyone gets implants.”
“Because once you begin to treat scalpels and needles as prescriptions for everything you don’t like about yourself—or everything that other people don’t like about you—it’s very difficult to stop. First it’s your tits, then it’s your eyes and your nose, then it’s your chin and your cheeks and your neck and your ass, and it’s just this revolving door of painful, dangerous, unnecessary procedures that are condemning you for being mortal, that are carving away your humanity one incision at a time. I’ve seen it happen to more people than I could count, and I don’t want it to happen to you. Because you seem very, very human, and I’d like you to stay that way. Which means you don’t cut yourself up because some agent or producer or casting director told you to.” Then he adds, perhaps as an afterthought: “And anyway, you don’t need implants.”
You smile, then reply quietly: “You’ve never seen me.”
Aegon grins. “I don’t care if you have twelve nipples under there like a fucking beagle, you don’t need plastic surgery.”
You both laugh, and the tension evaporates, and even if you don’t cancel the appointment—Aegon is one person, the entertainment industry is omnipotent and eternal—you are glad he seems to like you the way you are. Behind the counter, Josh is waving manically to get your attention and summon you to return to work. You pretend not to see him.
Aegon asks: “Why don’t you like horses?”
“They freak me out. They’re all teeth and legs and they’re huge, I’m always scared they’ll step on me.”
“Your dad’s a doctor, right? I thought all rich girls had horses.”
“Where I’m from, a lot of women ride horses to distract themselves from the fact that their husbands are riding their receptionists or interns. I’d rather have no horse and no awful cheating husband.” And Aegon stares at you and turns serious, because perhaps you’ve inadvertently addressed the elephant in the room: he has a fiancée, and neither of you are acting like she exists. You swiftly pivot. “I’ll make an exception for you, though.”
He appears startled. “What?”
“The Chinese zodiac. You’re a horse. So you’re the only horse I like.”
“Oh, yeah. Right.” Aegon chuckles uneasily and gets up to throw his trash away, then stands under the florescent lights with his hands in his pockets, his blonde hair falling out of its gel and hanging over his forehead. He gazes down at you pensively; you are still seated at the table. “When does your shift end?”
“I’m closing tonight, so I’ll be done around 10:30 or 11.”
“Okay. Can I come back to pick you up and drive you home?”
You are puzzled. “Why?”
He gestures to the inky dark window, incredulous. “Because obviously you shouldn’t be walking alone in Harbor Gateway at midnight? You know there was a shooting a block from here last week. I looked it up.”
“I walk home all the time.”
“You really need to stop doing that.”
“You are being very dramatic for a non-actor.”
“Listen, I can’t go to my house and try to fall asleep while I’m wondering if you’re getting mugged or murdered.”
You look at Aegon. He does seem genuinely worried. “You can drive me home.”
“Great. See you in two hours.” He strides away and shoves open the glass door; the little metal bells hanging there jingle.
“Aegon?”
He halts mid-step and turns around. “Yeah?”
“Does Becca know where you are right now?”
His face is some amalgamation of emotions you can’t read, and this is unusual.“Why do you think I paid in cash?”
And before you can reply, he’s gone.
~~~~~~~~~~
On Thursday, June 19th, Aegon picks you up in his white Chrysler Sebring convertible while the city is still asleep. The sky is dark, the streetlights passing by overhead, infinite pinpoint supernovas. There are hardly any other cars on the road. Aegon’s hair is a mess and his eyes are bleary; he’s sipping a Starbucks coffee with one hand and holding the steering wheel with the other. He is wearing a suit, but he still manages to look unpolished, his white shirt half-untucked and his black tie too skinny. He sets his coffee down in one of the cup holders and passes you something venti-sized and iced.
“I got you a vanilla latte, vanilla girl.”
“Aw, thanks! Skim milk?”
“Nope,” he says, smiling. You smile back and take a gulp of it, cold and sweet and bracing. “What’s your hype song?”
“I can’t tell you,” you say, embarrassed.
“Why not?”
“You’re going to terrorize me.”
“Don’t Stop Believing? Don’t Stop Me Now? I Gotta Feeling?”
“Lose Yourself.”
Aegon throws back his head and cackles, his hair flying in the wind. “That’s definitely a fireable offense. I’m ditching you the second we finish this shoot.” But he taps around on his phone and plugs in the aux, and then Eminem is thudding through the speakers as the Sebring sails north and the red-gold dawn rises on the horizon, a celestial message from the East Coast, an omen from the future.
Aegon drives you to Prospect Studios in Los Feliz, just east of Hollywood. Filming will be indoors on a soundstage. You spend what feels like forever in hair and makeup, and the costume designer—who had prepared for a different actress—dresses and redresses you over and over again, frowning at your chest and waist and thighs, and you have a sudden pang of nauseating panic and dread: I don’t belong here. What the fuck was I thinking?
Then you are in the scenes under intensely radiant artificial light, and just like it did in your roles back in Minnesota, the real world vanishes and all that exists are these characters, these moments, and your body and mind become theirs, and perhaps even your soul too. Your husband is handsome and kind, and here in this liminal fictional space you love him, and when the surgeons wheel him off to the operating room you are full of blind naïve surety. Then the doctors update you on his condition and you are still hopeful, but it becomes a fragile thing, like something that shatters when it’s dropped from a height. And then he is dead, he has been taken away from you, he has been stolen, and you are eclipsed by a blood-red wrath that is animalistic and unforgiving. After each take when you are ripped back through the veil and into reality, you can’t remember exactly what you did or said, and the director doesn’t have many critiques so you aren’t sure how it’s going.
But when it’s over, while you are still standing on the soundstage with the other actors, Aegon puts on his sunglasses and smiles at you from across the room; and you remember what he said outside his office on the day you first met—you are so bright, sunshine—and you know you’ve done a good job.
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hhhhh-- i was hoping to write some more stuff tonight, since i'll probably be heading out early tomorrow when a friend comes to pick me up... but i still feel so sleepy that all i wanna do is curl up and doze off...
#{|ooc post|}#i also still need to pack-- which i'm gonna try and manage here in a few minutes--#but like-- idk if i'll have it in me to do anything after that lmao#or if i'll just give in and sleep more--#(gonna see if maybe i can stave off the added sleep tho-- as besides writing there is another thing i was hoping to get done before i leave#(also probably gonna sweep through and delete this post later lol-- but for rn-- i just felt the need to whine at the dash a little XP)
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ughghg hi i hate to be serious or be such a downer but i really need to put this out there because some people are getting too comfortable.
but then again it's partially my fault because i let it happen --
this is more pointed towards strangers, so if you know we're friends/mutuals you're cool 🫶
anyways just want to point out that if we're not close especially, it doesn't give you an excuse to treat me like i'll be fine with everything that you'll say.
i can handle jokes, i love joking unseriously with anyone, and i just love talking with people in general and usually the interactions aren't that deep.
but there's a line between genuine playfulness and thinly-veiled insults/mockery. saying "sorry" or anything like "/j" doesnt change that.
and yeah i'm aware this is especially hard to discern because people's actual tone over the internet can be perceived differently. and sometimes people aren't aware that they're being rude. so that's why i usually give people another chance.
it's just to the point that when it happens over and over again where it stops being coincidental. plus i usually just try to trust my gut whenever i feel uncomfortable with people from the get-go.
idk what else to say but please remember i'm also just another person. and that applies to everyone else here. you're free to say whatever you want but that doesn't mean you're free from any pushback.
#[—✦ rambling#anyways sorry for this rant omg 🧍#i've been debating on whether or not i wanted to post this#but idk it feels important to put out there#also also idk if this would even do anything bc people will just say whatever they want anyway#and i cant really avoid that 😭#im also afraid if i worded things wrong but LMAo i'll deal with the consequences later too if so#again if you're worried that it's about you IT'S NOT- this has been going on for a while#and i've already blocked the offending parties so if you're seeing this post you're good!! 👍#+ if i consider you a friend and if anything happens i'll bring it up with you instead anyway 😭#and if you've recently sent me anything i'll get to yall like i normally would later after i destress gjsdlkfsd#some people are just really ;;; persistent on forcing you to be friends with them instead of it being natural#sometimes i just click with people immediately and sometimes it takes time but that doesnt mean i dont value one over the other more#agh i really hope i dont have to post anything like this again#i really want this blog to be a safe space#but this is more for my personal comfort as well 😭<3
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TO ME, THAT’S CINEMA
#tomgreg#so i've seen this around a lot and ppl have already made points but like holy fuck. hoooly fuck lmao where do i begin#TOM THOUGHT THE ROOM WAS EMPTY FOR UH ... FOR WHAT BITCH??#empty for what. you two just going in there ALONE. what for. strategizing? ok but then why was greg showing you tonight's selection.#even if it was girls it's still sus bc like who tf goes specifically to a room to show that shit.#oh by the way i listened again and tom says first ''why do we have to...'' so GREG asked for the room?#greg asked them to go to an empty room. slut.#anD THEN AFTER SAID ''I WANNA GIVE YOU'' BITCH!!!!!!!!1#are we sure it's girls though...... like does it say later. i'll keep watching but Christ. LIKE. WHAT THE FUCK#how am i supposed to read this other than an affair lmfao and then he says ''go on'' and sends greg off away like a little pet#sick to bastard death of them god#so it's like. greg says can we go somewhere private and tom says why do we have to#greg says i wanna give you... and tom says what do you wanna give me annoyed like#girl we are at work and we are trying to stay alive can't you wait til we are at home for me to clap them cheeks#and then greg says a preview of tonight's selection... of what? could be alcohol could be sexy stuff could be mf. clothes idk#and then they look up like O FUCK the room is in use and it's fucking SH*V and immediately tom is like GO ON and greg#doesn't even stutter or say anything like usual he's just like SORRY and leaves immediately bc he KNOWS he gotta gtfo#sorry i'm just. poetic cinema indeed
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Was doing okay holding back all of the fear re: the potential election outcome until literally this second what the fuck to my brain lmao
#wherein lmao means I'm so scared and i cant stop crying rn#no one should have to fear this. not me nor anyone else nor the ppl who have already had to flee their homes worldwide#a person shouldn't have to worry abt violence being enacted upon them bc of who they are which like#obvi isn't a new concept to myself and most ppl but i feel like the folks who'll vote Trmp don't care for it#won't affect them in theory after all so of course they don't care#Housemate and I are trying to figure out where we could go and how in case of the worst#and it's not even the first time I'll have had to leave a place bc of safety reasons (two nickles on that already in my life)#but it doesn't make it any less daunting#i just want to live my life in our little house with Housemate and the cats working my shit job and trying to enjoy whatever i can#none of this matters and im shouting into a void full of equally terrified ppl dealing with this themselves if not worse#these tags don't make sense entirely and i don't care. i have things I should be doing and I'm sitting in my room#paralysed by fear over all of this#i should distract myself but with what? at what point do i accept the distractions can only do so much?#maybe I'll just take a nap again. idk. feels weird and wrong to play a video game or nap ordo anything that isn't trying to research options#i need to stop rambling here like im hoping time will pause while i type im out again lmao
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been picking at the stuff at the top of my drafts this evening..... got five lil things in the queue rn that i think i'm gonna set to post tomorrow, but i'm also like. gonna keep going for a bit longer, see if i can't get a few more done too uvu
#i feel bad for going for the newest stuff when i have such oldddd things at the bottom of my drafts...#but they're the freshest in my mind and like. i have.... a LOT of starters to reply to...... lmao;;#i'm gonna feel bad no matter where i start so w/e if starting with newest stuff is easiest it's what i'm gonna do#anyway yeah i have my counselling appointment tomorrow and i'm betting i'll be p exhausted after it#so i think letting the queue post tomorrow will work out nicely#if i get anything else done i might set it to post tomorrow also..... but might let it post friday instead idk#LOVE Y'ALL thank you yet again for putting up with meeee ♡♡♡#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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I posted this painting I was really proud of on instagram and it only has 2 likes 😭😭
#i thought 1:30 was a good posting time. i guess not#shoutout to monica and colette ur the real ones ❤️#instas algorithm has been showing my stuff less and less i think#like i have a pretty regular group of ppl who will like & engage with my stuff#last year or 2 years ago like. 40 was a regular number I'd get?#usually after like a day or 2#and this last year so far its been like half that. if lucky#and its the same active supportive ppl#like ppl i know in real life and such#so im inclined to think they're just not seeing it#i reshared my art of my grandpa on his birthday#and a number of ppl engaged who didn't see it the first time!#idk. its a bit demoralizing#i don't do it for the Clout or anything but#my instagram is an art instagram#and i do like my little circle seeing my stuff & liking it :/#mine#anyway this is SO complaining lmao u can just ignore me#maybe I'll post the painting on here
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Slowly reconfiguring my altar space but I'm gently adding Halloween decorations as September passes and October approaches, I'm personally obsessed with the little ghost lights. Anyway I don't have a dedicated sideblog for this stuff anymore so I'm just slapping it on main :)
#witchblr#taking a break was so good for me because now im getting back into the flow of it? im realising how my beliefs and shit have shifted#still going to gently worm my back into witchcraft like. im not gonna do any blots or anything for a good while#and figure out ONCE MORE what actually works with my practice#like do i WANT divination to be part of my craft? or do i just feel like i have to#like when was the last time i touched my tarot or my runes or my oracle deck or my pendulum? even before my break?#and when it comes to deitywork. is that something i can commit to? has my time with Loki come to a close? lots of questions to ask.#and also do i really want to keep a grimoire/bos? because im too much of a perfectionist for it#and the stuff i do regularly are in my head. if I'm doing something different then I'm going to use other books as research points#idk theres a lot to think about. maybe I'll just ponder the wizard and stop sweating the details lmao#you'd think i had this shit figured out after over a decade but fuckin nooooppppeeeee#anyway witchcraft is always a journey and there's always more to learn and experience#its easy to say that shit but harder to accept it#ALSO LOKI LIVES IN MY BEDROOM I AINT EVER GONNA HIDE HIM AWAY#i cherish all the time spent with a deity and appreciate them for being there during that part of my life#just like with hecate before its ok if my time with loki is over. it is what it is. its not sad its something to look fondly on
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#im sorry but if he really was waiting for me yesterday im gonna have a whole meltdown like oh my GOD??????#like THATS???????????????#n like... ugh that fuckin asshole that said something to him OHHHHHHH !!!!! UGH.#like....... god. ...... .. theres no other explanation. like usually he leaves right away ok. well until he started waiting for me NDNNDMDM#but to do that after an exam... when he like.... just wants to get out of there n study for the next one....#o bro i cant handle this. thats so sweet wtf..... like....... HHHHHHHHHHH GOD.#this Has to be going somewhere like i cant be imagining this. i cant be#n not only would he have wanted to get outta there bc of having to study.... he also literally doesnt like talking to anyone except me n#one of my other friends JDNDMDMDMMDMDMSM#and like he would have been waiting awhile bc like over 20 mins went by between him leaving n my other friend leaving... and then after tha#god im so sad...... i wish that JERK hadnt said anything to him. i bet he would have stayed 😭😭😭😭😭#hhhhhhhhhhh........#n e way NDNNDNDNDMDMMD. im gonna see this until the end.... like lmao theres Something here i can tell......#and like okay even if we just end up friends... like ok maybe i'll be crushed but JDJJDJDJDJDJFJ hes so cute. i wanna keep him forever.....#n like god. hes even cute in a grumpy way which... god thats my weakness forever im just 🥺🥺🥺#its just !!!! hes so honest !!! like always says what hes feeling n then once he says it hes over it. like idk hes perfect to me JZJJZJZJZJ#GOD. im so obsessed. help#and like GOD. i really keep coming back to this post and adding more im JUST.....#his eyes are so kind. like i cant even explain this. i just ... god hes so cute.....#personal
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have my first wedding dress fitting today and therapy tomorrow and i couldn't tell you which i'm dreading more
#I'm already Sad and tonight is gonna be a mess of like#feeling bad bc I'll be alone bc Kelsey's at work and i dont have friends other than work friends#they're like 'please limit your party to 5-6!'#im not close to my older sister and my mom's dead#its my grandma's dress and she's doing...okay but definitely declining#so I'm just gonna be some hairy lesbian with acne by herself in this bridal shop for like.......... conventionally attractive Girly Girls#plus ive put on weight recently and i'm still Adjusting to not being a skinny 22yrold anymore lmao#and trying on/seeing myself in dress clothing has always been an awful trigger for me#like looking at myself in anything other than a tshirt and jeans just makes my skin crawl i look so ugly#i also don't know like.......... anything about weddings or wedding dresses or tailors#and i don't have anyone to ask#except reddit lmao#anyway IDK i guess the therapy will be much needed after this LMAO
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bro
#i hate job apps lmao kinda in the trenches rn#i'm so idk so mixed feelings rn 💀#i think my self esteem when it comes to job apps is like fucking shot from career fair and job rejections and everything#my last interview was offered like a couple days before the interview and i just winged it and didn't rly prepare#and then after the interview realized i actually kinda like the company and would kinda wnat the job more than my lack of prep suggests LOL#but i applied for smth over the summer and they said they'd actually be interested in giving me an offer#but i committed to staying on campus for this yr (which i could've done stuff to get out of but i have dumb reasons for it ig)#but they just reached out and said they'd STILL be interested in offering me a job for summer 2025 start date#and it makes me fucking sad that i feel so weird abt it LMFAO i am happy abt it#but like literally this week has been so many rejections back to back bc i've been applying to things at my (old) college's career fair#and so many of them have already just immediately rejected me 💀#so a big part of me rn is like why the fuck would this company even still want me ya know#😀😀😀😀 i thnk i'll cry abt this at some point idk when tho 😀😀😀😀#also my mom keeps nagging me to apply for masters which i haven't actually looked into at all yet#i think esp bc she called me last night and was like no one's gonna give you a chance bc you only have bachelors#so you can't compete when theres masters and phd applicants too#which is true ig like i have just gotten flat out rejected without any interview or anything so many times#sooooo all of that adding up to me being like well i somehow tricked this company into still wanting me right#even tho i am literally doing nothing this yr i'm staying on campus bc i like it here#and i have a remote part time job and i'm figuring out what i want to do#jfc idk lmfao i'm also nervous abt telling my mom bc i feel like she just#ughhhgiuhdgfiwtglkdghfajs she can be very critical and judgmental ;-;#and i fele like she's been like that kind of a lot w job/masters conversations and i don't rly like talking to her abt it lmfao#when she called me yesterday she started nagging me abt job apps and not being picky abt stuff and i'm like#you have told me this 746598347 times i rly don't need to hear it again#i do appreciate and love my mom but i just rly don't like this lmfao#i think she'd be ok w it / happy i guess she did tell me to apply for this company at one point a while ago#i wanna scream lmfao#bro i wish tumblr would tell me when im RUNNING OUT OF TAGS rip some of this rambling i don't even remember what i said LOL#jeanne talks
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my desire to watch at least 2 movies a day bc i started doing it and now i wanna keep up w it literally just to say i did vs the way i am getting a lil burned out on movies bc coming home from a full day of work to watch something doesnt feel as relaxing as it used to
#easily watching 2 movies a day when ur enjoying the movies vs struggling to watch one movie when its just not doing it for u#im watching m3gan and its like. its fine but idk im a little underwhelmed#im an hour in so theres only ab half an hour to go but somethings just. not hitting#i think the fact that its insanely hot is contributing very much also im hungry but i dont have anything to eat lmao#me grocery shopping last week on a strict budget and telling myself I'll ration the snacks#vs me now after finishing my snacks and meals in three days and now just eating chocolate alsjflg#my lack of self control is not just ab making a million blogs it is also ab doing what i want when i want w no thought ab the future#only reason i havent broken budget to go buy a bunch more food to snack on til pay day is that i dont have the money lmao
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I'm so fucking tired. Tw for the tags: death mention, SI mention, SH urge mention
#okay so like....#I'm just tired of being alive lmao#I'm tired of struggling all the time#I'm suicidal again which isnt fun. and its only borderline a passive way. its definitely in a “if i were to drop dead i wouldnt care” way#but also in a “hmmmm my brain wants me to make a plan” way and i hate it#i hate being this way#i hate feeling this way#i want to die. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well anymore.#i also havent been in therapy for almost 2 months bc of insurance issues and wont be in therapy til after the new year but likr#idk if I'll make it? like I'm not planning on anything like dying but it feels impossibly far away#i also want to SH so fucking badly. I'm not going to#but damn do i want to#but also like whats the fucking point in it?#i also cant go in patient somewhere bc of no insurance#so I'll just die ig#idk#I'm also tired of being disabled. I'm tired of having this broken body.#my grandmother is dying. my cat is long dead. whats the fucking point of it all?#i havent been actively suicidal for a hot fucking minute. idk how to handle it anymore#personal#vent
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something a little silly (edited to add glasses)
(he's not actually angry at the "drugs" thing, just busy trying not to die)
oh i almost forgot
transcript of my bad handwriting:
Page 1 Panel 1: 2013, 1:38 pm (sfx: DING DING DING)
Panel 2: 9th period, 1:40 pm
Peter's internal thought bubble: "Oh shit my meds"
Panel 3:
Student 1: Hi, Mr. Parker!
Peter: mm-hm
Panel 4:
Student 1: Mr. Parker? Hello?
(Student 2: Huh?)
Panel 5:
Peter: Hm?
Student 1: What are those, tic tacs?
Student 2: No, he's doing drugs!!! (In class!)
Text pointing to Peter's hand holding his pills says "PTSD medication"
Peter: HKFGH (choking noise)
Page 2:
Panel 1:
Student 1: Are you okay?!
(Student 2: oh fuck)
Peter: COUGH COUGH
Panel 2:
(sfx: WHEEZE)
Peter: It's not DRUGS!
Panel 3, Peter cont.: Well, I mean, it is drugs, but it's prescription—it's medication. OK?
#came in through the window last night#peter parker#nadiart#fanadiart#rough art#comics#spiderman#always feel weird tagging the au stuff just cause it's so specific but... well i won't pretend i look at the peter parker tag lol#a post arguably still about a somewhat serious topic but with a more lighthearted mood#bright blue capsules = 5mg generic prazosin just fyi#he takes it starting in early 2013 to prevent flashbacks and nightmares (technically it's a blood pressure medication tho)#he takes it in morning. afternoon (at work). and bedtime. otherwise he can barely leave the house.#i was picturing this in fall after he's a little more functional but still kinda fucked#In Retrospect I'm not sure that him getting a job in 2013 makes sense though like it's a miracle he graduated from his master's program#on the other hand he strikes me as the kind of guy who works himself harder when stressed... but a few months is a very quick turnaround#maybe i should have him doing full time classes instead of pt and finish his degree over fall 2012 or smth... idk#i'll figure all that stuff out Later#anyway my approach to peter's shirts is generally anything that looks thrifted where he saw it in all its hideousness and said#''i love it''#also don't get it twisted the only reason peter even carries a water bottle is for his pills#accidentally pavlov'd himself into being hydrated but not into buying a reusable bottle lmao
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me vs the assignments I have to do but really don't want to do
#bella talks#six more is six too many#one of them is basically done but like. very bare minimum#tbh it's for a pass/fail course so I really should just hand it in#I have another assignment die Friday and thats mostly just editing & reworking some stuff#then. four more.#im trying to convince myself it's not that bad don't mind me kddjkdkdkskd#but like next week is the last week of classes#I have a group project thing due Tuesday that nobody talked about yet so??? idk what Im supposed to do about that#then it's the seminar journal thing that I'm horriblely behind on#BUT we only have to hand in the contents page + the three entries we reflect on so I might just lie <3#and add a bunch of entries to the contents that I didn't write because I do not have time lmao#then it's stupid pass/fail assignment that I might just. writing completely in one day or something I don't really care about it#it's not like it matters or anything#and then my final assignment due on Easter Monday which is a psych infographic#I have no idea what I'm doing for that tbh but I'll figure it out#and after that Im free <3 mostly I still have exams lmao
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Lando Norris and [Y/n] Wolff are an on-and-off thing, fans think they're all good after [Y/n] releases a song supposedly about Lando, but they forget he's not the only Brit on the grid.
username1 HE LAUGHS AT ALL MY JOKES
↳username2 AND HE SAYS I'M SO AMERICAN
username3 sorry but in which part is y/n american?
↳username1 her mother, Y/m/n Y/l/n, is American and Y/n spent most of her life in the US after Y/m/n and Toto divorced
username3 oooh good to know, thank you!!
username4 I'm so happy to know Y/n and Lando are still together after all
↳username5 But they were never official
username4 But it's obvious! They were seen on dates many times, hanging out around Monaco, not to mention every time Y/n is in the paddock she spends more time in the McLaren garage than Mercedes'
username6 my fav nepo baby <3
username7 damn Lando must be doing a good job lol
username8 Y/n finally released a love song, everybody thank Lando
username9 Weren't there rumours about them being over forever just during the winter break?
↳username10 Toto would find a way to get Lando kicked out of F1 if he ever broke Y/n's heart lmao
username9 What does Toto gotta do with McLaren?
username10 He's rich? Lol
username9 And? Stroll's daddy is rich as well yet he can't make idk Verstappen disappear lol rich doesn't mean he can do anything he wants
username11 Guys I have a bad feeling, we actually haven't seen them together in a long time , I'm afraid they might be actually broken up for good
↳username6 I wouldn't read too much into it, Y/n studies in Monaco so she isn't able to attend races right now
username11 You sure? Y/n hasn't made a single appearance since the season started
username6 The season started in the middle of her uni year lol you ever thought of that?
↳username7 this is literally a love song, how are we even wondering if they broke up? she wouldn't release this if they were done
username6 THIS!! I feel like this song is a confirmation from Y/n that all is good, maybe she was tired of people talking if they're broken up or not
username5 Then why don't they make it official?
username6 that's not a question i can answer
username12 "I'll go anywhere he goes" then why aren't you attending races miss girl? Education can wait
↳username2 lmao it literally can't wait
username13 "the books you read" ma'am, Lando looks like he hasn't touched a single book his whole life
↳username12 And it's not like he dresses that well either, his style is nothing special
· · ────── ·𖥸· ────── · ·
y/n's texts with Lando
· · ────── ·𖥸· ────── · ·
username1 All men are the same I swear
↳username2 nooo I swear there are good ones, but that's just not Lando
username3 excuse me sir, y/n has just written a love song about you
username4 NOOOO THE WAY HE PUT HIS HAND ON THE GIRL'S LOWER BACK
↳username1 Him and Y/n are done frfr 😭
username5 Do we know who the girl is?
↳f1gossip Not yet, but I'm sure we'll know in no time
username6 Wtf is wrong with you, it's not her fault Lando can't focus on one woman
username7 But there's no way she didn't know about him and Y/n ;)
username6 There is/was no "Lando and Y/n", they never confirmed a relationship
username8 He's just won in Miami, I was hoping they'd make it official after that :(
↳username9 Sameeee it would be so cool
↳username10 Literally same, it'd be perfect
username11 Lando Norris, you disappoint me again
↳username12 at this point Y/n must be used to that lmao poor girl I hope she finds someone better
username13 WHAT DOES TOTO SAY ABOUT IT?
↳username3 Whats he supposed to say? Y/n is a grown woman, stop treating her like a baby
username14 I swear if we see Y/n back again with him after THIS I'm gonna break some dishes
↳username15 Yeah I hope she'll find some self respect and finally leave his ass
username16 Y/n I beg you to leave him, the d can't be THAT fire
yn_wolff posted on instastory
landonorris replied to your story:
↳mind if i join?
yn_wolff:
yeah lol don't join
landonorris:
i was gonna sail today anyway, what if we do it together?
hey i think i see u thru my window who are u with?
yn_wolff:
with dad and susie
stalker ass creep don't get anywhere near me today
landonorris:
I see another man
who is he?
*seen*
y/n answer me who is he
is that russell?
fucking russell wtf is he doing there
he better keep his hands away from you
what the fuck why are u hugging him
yn_wolff:
i'm hugging george and I'll do something worse if you don't stop with ur stalker shit
landonorris:
what the fuck do you mean y/n
yn_wolff:
don't worry, I'm sure that blonde girl would love to give you a hug, you should go see her
landonorris:
she's just a friend
y/n you're mine
she doesn't mean shit to me
don't show my texts to russell
yn_wolff:
Hello it's George, stop texting my girlfriend or we'll have to tell Toto
landonorris:
girlfriend?
username1 Right after? The Lando thing was yesterday
↳f1gossip Yeah, and this was this morning
username2 Whats Y/n doin with George? 🤨
↳username3 in case you forgot she's y/n WOLFF, the daughter of Mercedes' boss which GR drives for
username4 After seeing Y/n's story I hoped she's finally spending some time with Lando but...
↳username5 Have u seen what Lando posted? 😂
username4 What did he post?
username5 Oh apparently he deleted it already lol it was a story
username5 Anyway he posted like a lowkey thirst trap pic and the music he added was Tumblr girls by g eazy lmao
username4 Boohoo consequences of his own actions catching up
username5 Yeahh and he especially chose the verse that goes like "fucking off and on, always stop and go, probably got someone, choose not to know"
username6 Guys, I say we take in consideration the possibility of 'so american' being about George
landonorris Monaco weekend 🇲🇨☀
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username1 Why do I feel like he posted this just so people think Y/n was there with him even though there's not a single pic of her? 😂
↳username2 Bro why he want her when he can't have her anymore?
username3 get over it, it's your fault
username4 I feel like he's tryna say "Hey guys look, Y/n took these pics" but why would we believe it 💀
↳username1 Exactly!! We all KNOW she most likely spent the day with George
username5 Now all i think about when i see Lando is the story he deleted 😭
↳username6 totally hahah he literally called Y/n a bitch but also admitted that he can't help wanting other girls
username7 Wait when did this happen? When did he say that?
username6 he never said that, it's lyrics of a song he posted but quickly deleted
username5 He immediately regretted hahah
username8 @/maxfewtrell Tell Lando to behave, why are you even helping him with this bullshit?
username9 It's too late, you had your chance FOR HALF A YEAR and still chose to lead Y/n on, now she got someone else and you're being petty
↳username10 She let him lead her on for half a year? Damn it he should pay for her therapy
username9 I feel like she really hoped she can change him but realized "if you can't change the man, change the man"
username10 Very accurate lmao
username11 Guys, I believe Y/n and Lando were a thing for much more time than half a year, it was going on for at least a year, they were just very secretive about it
username9 Well, good for her to finally get out of this shit, she deserves so much better and I hope George will give her that
username1 I bet Toto loves his new son in law
↳username2 He has to be very relieved to know Y/n chose George eventually
username3 We still don't know if they're dating, remember George drives for Mercedes
username4 I really hope Lando is crying rn
username5 Now Lando for sure can't trick us into thinking Y/n was with him lmao
username6 I love George for saving Y/n
username7 I love them, they're all so old money, Y/n and George are a great match
username8 MY DELULU IS BECOMING TRULULU
username9 This is our confirmation that so american is about George
username10 I feel like Y/n upgraded at some point but at one point also downgraded
↳username2 Let's not talk about it, we should be happy for her and George, at least he won't treat her like an option
username11 George is literally THE MAN for Y/n, I'm so glad she finally realized that
↳username12 Chill, let's not assume stuff before we have any statement from them, we all know where assuming can get us
username13 This is my old money dream
username14 HEAR ME OUT but I'd actually love to see George and Y/n get married one day
↳username12 THIS is exactly where assuming can get us
yn_wolff Oh you'll like him, he's really kind andhe's funny like you sometimes, and I found someone I really like maybe for the first time
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username1 I'm so happy for them I'm gonna cry
lewishamilton Invite me next time!
↳georgerussell63 Toto said it was family only, I'm sorry, Lewis!
↳yn_wolff Ask Ferrari to invite you wtf
username1 lmao only Y/n Wolff can talk to a 7 times world champion like that
username2 YESSSS IT'S OFFICIAL
↳username1 Y/n is officially free from Lando!!
username3 I love the vibes, I love the fact that Y/n is dating a driver from her dad's team, I love the fact that Toto accepts it
↳username4 He must've been going CRAZY when Y/n had the situationship with Lando
username3 Absolutely and I think we all know about Toto's anger issues lol
susie_wolff 💝
↳yn_wolff 🩷
ymn_yln I hope George knows he's welcome in America too 😊
↳yn_wolff Of course!! We have a plane on Friday❤️
↳georgerussell63 I wanted to take Y/n to Miami so we can visit after the GP, but she refused 😔
yn_wolff Shut up I have uni!!
georgerussell63 It can't be more important than me meeting your mum
lilymhe Beautiful couple 😚
↳yn_wolff @/susie_wolff it's about you and dad💕
lilymhe Might as well be 😂
username3 Susie and Toto literally are Y/n and George in like 20 years lmao
alex_albon Finally, no more secrets
↳username2 ALBONO KNEW?
username4 Phew I can't imagine how much stress it was for him 😂
username5 George just MIGHT be the guy which so american is about...
username6 Something about this relationship makes me feel so at peace and I don't even know them in person
charles_leclerc Someone check on Lando😂
↳yn_wolff Charles 💀
username5 Is he wrong tho
username7 I laughed harder than I should've
↳username8 Betting all my money he's regretting all his actions
username9 As he should tbh imagine leading sb on for about a year, people who do this are evil
username8 Yeah, that was so wrong of him
username10 No but I need to know what books George reads tho
landonorris 👍
↳yn_wolff Stalker ass you don't even follow me
↳username4 THE AUDACITY
landonorris I hope you'll have fun while it lasts
↳yn_wolff YOU'RE the one to speak about lasting
↳georgerussell63 Not your place to worry about it🙂
username5 THE EMOJI MAKES IT SO FUNNY FOR NO REASON
username1 "THE WAY YOU DRESS, THE BOOKS YOU READ" he dresses well✅ he looks like he reads✅
username2 He's the perfect man for Y/n frfr
username3 I'm so happy that it's not about Lando after all, I was like girl he's treating you like shit and you write a love song??
username4 I've been waiting for it for YEARS
username5 So they had a thing for no longer than since the end of winter break and already made it official
↳username2 Something Lando couldn't do for almost a whole ass year lmao
username6 But have y'all noticed how obsessed with Y/n Lando is suddenly?
↳username1 of course he is, that's how it works, he's been rejected so his fragile ego is hurt
username3 He's even liking fans' edits of Y/n😭man is manifesting hard but I doubt anything can help him
username7 Good to know George's hands are warmer than hell, they don't look like it
username8 Girlie deserved a man who doesn't have commitment issues aka is a real man, I'm glad she got him
username9 Y'all think Lando reads Y/n x reader fanfics?👀
↳username1 Totally
↳username2 I can imagine it
↳username3 He'll do it until his delulu becomes trululu (it'll never happen🔥)
username10 I'll laugh so hard if now Lando will now stop fooling around with other girls 😂
username11 Can't wait for a whole album full of love songs about him
↳username12 I don't think we'll have to wait for long
#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#f1 fanfic#formula 1 x reader#f1 smau#f1 social media au#george russel x reader#George Russell imagine#George Russell smau#George Russell social media au#Lando Norris x reader#Lando Norris imagine#Lando norris smau#Lando norris social media au
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