#i also havent been in therapy for almost 2 months bc of insurance issues and wont be in therapy til after the new year but likr

[themermaidpirate]

I'm so fucking tired. Tw for the tags: death mention, SI mention, SH urge mention

[thoroughly-perturbed]

Warning:Long Ass Diary Post Ahead.

OK so I’ve been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was like 13, Dr. Z. He’s basically been managing my meds since I’ve been on them, so almost like 10 years. I’ve wanted to break off our relationship for a while now b/c a) he’s made my relationship with my foster mom very toxic (which I certainly didnt help, but he was an adult so he shouldnt have been contributing), b) I’m fucking 22 years old I need to see someone who’s not the psychiatric equivalent of a pediatrician, and c) he’s back in my home state so he cant bill my insurance and cant prescribe me meds up here.

So we had a phone session last weekend, and he asked me if I still had Medicaid back in my home state, where he is. I said no I don’t, it expired a few months ago probably b/c I’m 22 and legally no longer a ward of state (through which I received the Medicaid). He’s ALWAYS been billing Medicaid and it’s never been an issue- my foster mom has never had to be involved in it. But now that I don’t have Medicaid, he needs another insurance to bill. So I stupidly told him that I was covered under my foster mom’s insurance (which is private so not quite as great for mental health as Medicaid, believe it or not), and he said he would contact her about it.

This is where I should have stopped him. My foster mom wants nothing to do with this man (for good reasons) and wants to stay out of the situation I have with him entirely. She doesn’t want to be involved. So I SHOULD have stopped him and told him to wait until I talked to her about what alternative we should use to pay for his “services” until I could secure someone to manage my meds in my area. But I didn’t. I stupidly assumed that because her insurance is temporarily covering my meds, I could do the same thing for my psychiatrist.

Fast forward to yesterday (Friday). Foster mom receives a letter and a shit ton of insurance paperwork from dear Dr. Z. From her phone call yesterday morning, it sounded like he’s trying to back-date authorizations for insurance to whenever I started being covered under my foster mom’s insurance, so he can charge her insurance (instead of Medicaid) and get more money out of it. See, my stupid, naive understanding was that he would just bill whatever sessions he has not been able to bill to Medicaid, which shouldnt be that many (I only started experiencing issues with Medicaid a few months ago). So now my foster mom may end up being charged a shit ton of money, which isnt fair bc she didnt want to be involved in the first place, and this could’ve all been avoided if I just figured this out with her first. We may have come to the same conclusion, but at least she wouldn’t have been blind-sided by this fucking letter (also, a fucking LETTER? What the actual fuck? Just call her and ask if you can send her the insurance papers, like????????????????)

This was all my fault, and I’m prepared to take full ownership and pay whatever I need to pay to help relieve my foster mom whenever this gets ironed out (usually when she’s upset with me I give her some time before I call her again, in the hopes that she’ll actually be able to hear me after some time and space). But it did show that Im not sharing the right info with her at the right time, and Im volunteering too much information to the wrong people.

BUT THIS IS THE KICKER, and this shit was NOT my fault. This schmuck had the NERVE to tell my foster mom in this fucking overly-dramatic letter (knowing him it probably was) that told her I was thinking of moving back to my home state, and oh why cant she move back, she really SHOULD move back, etc. etc. I don’t know the full details of what he wrote, but all I know is he told my foster mother information that I had not yet shared with her, because I have no fucking clue where im moving if Im moving at all. Moving back ‘home’ is just one of many options that Im thinking about rn, but its the only one he and I discussed on the phone. BUT I DIDNT WANT HER TO KNOW THAT. It’s just not information that I’ve shared with her yet because I didnt think it was necessary. But of course this fuck HAD to create drama and try to ‘advocate’ on my behalf for me to move back there. I

At no point did I give him permission to share this information with her, and so technically he breached confidentiality. This isnt the first time he’s been unprofessional af, which is one of many reasons I want to dump him ASAP.

So I’ve fucked things up with my foster mom AGAIN less than a week after we had a really nice convo, so great that I became manically happy about it (that happens when something rarely goes VERY well in my life). I screwed things up on two levels:

1) By not telling Dr. fucking Z to hold off on contacting her until I talked to her about the insurance situation. This dragged her into a situation that she has explicitly asked not to be a part of, which she now has EVERY right not to be, and has created a mess of insurance headaches from a doctor who tells me not to date the Medicaid papers I sign so he can put whatever service date will help him get paid (this is technically illegal but doctors do it ALL the time)

2) By telling schmuck-face about my desire to move back to my home state, and not her. Her knowledge of this could’ve been entirely avoided had I not done #1, but now that she knows I KNOW it’s gonna come up in conversation like “why are you telling him this and not me? You sounded so happy last time we spoke...” and so on. So it’s another situation where I’ve shared information with someone else that I havent shared with her, and she finds out about it through some roundabout way (bc nobody I talk to can keep their trap shut, apparently) which has historically been a sore point in our relationship.

I can’t believe anyone will read this whole damn thing but if you did, thank I guess. I just needed to process somehow bc I dont have therapy again until next week and Im not calling schmuck-face back until I’ve worked it out with my foster mom what Im gonna say. And this is too complex for me not to process in someway.