#but like she didnt offer to go my sisters high school graduation

[sapphicdancer]

i think my fav relationship is with my grandma who i am in good terms with but bc shes mean to my mom i dont like her but like i guess she doesnt know that and so she still treats me nicely, vs my sister who openly dislikes her and does not interact with her at all (but also i dont think my grandma knows why)

[key-lime-soda]

Sumi Lore Professional Question One:

what's the game you've played that's affected you most? i feel like this'll be... inch resting :>

easy. Pokemon

played pokemon leafgreen when i was 5. instantly fell in love. my sister beat the main story cuz i was too young to understand battling, so i just did the post game. I sailed around the Sevii Islands and it was the coolest shit ever. It defined my definition of a good game forever.

Then my interests faded as i got into late elementary school. It was still cool, but not as big in my life. Me and my sister got Pokemon Black and it was definitely really cool (did revive my love a bit). but the post-game was kinda dry. we did everything extra that we could do without internet.

Then i got a phone in 6th grade. I was given the chance to listen to music whenever I wanted. But back then i didnt have a personality music taste, so i didn't know what to listen to. figured i'd try something random.

So, i opened up youtube and looked up Pokemon

i started by listening to the anime openings. sure they're cheesy but some of them are catchy. memorized all the words. then i branched out into the other songs from the show and eventually discovered a whole world of unknown pokemon lore. did you know that the japanese anime had full fucking albums of original songs for every season??? and they go hard too!

with this, i discovered youtubers. Truegreen7, Bird Keeper Toby, Woopsire, MandJTV, and so many more. This defined my middle school era. I had an art account on a different site and posted a lot of fanart. made a lot of online friends too. it was such a good feeling...

then my mom found out.

she was pissed at my art account for various reasons, and punished me severely. at that point i was so hurt about losing all my online friends that i couldn't bring myself to draw ever again. i ended middle school in a very messy headspace.

then highschool came arounf . still wasn't into it. felt like i didn't have the motivation to do much anymore. i reluctantly went to freshman orientation, and got to the club fair, where all the clubs advertise to the new students. and one club struck my attention:

Pokemon Club

for the first time in a long time, i was exited to do something. I embarrasingly hung around their booth way longer than i needed to. I stole like 6 of their fliers too. it finally felt like a place where i belonged. I attended (almost) every single meeting for my first two years of high school. i met my current best friends there. they were the ones to introduce me to ace attorney and yttd!!

one day, one of the presidents was telling me about how their PR was ditching all the meetings and never did their work. i offered to take over cuz i had experience making club advertisements. it went from simple posters to booth flyers to fundraiser ads. then she asked me if i was willing to design club merch. bear in mind, i rarely drew since the incident 3 years prior. but it was my job as PR so i faced my fears and did it. the merch was perfect, and everyone loved it.

the end of my 2nd year came the dreadful question: who would take over? the staff were all graduating and needed a new president.

they all chose me.... i was so excited (and nervous) but i was determined to do my best.

unfortunately, covid hit that very year. my entire 3rd year was online, and so was club. it went better than i expected. the president reached out to me and asked if i wanted to color for her webcomic. next thing i knew, i was drawing as much as i used to. she really helped me find that part of me again, and i'm so thankful. now i'm a college student majoring in graphic design and minoring in video game studies

and it was all because of pokemon

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Title: The Survivors

Gif credit @multi-goodness

Requested on wattpad

Taglist: @nocturnalherb16 @jesseswartzwelder

Warning: attempted suicide, abandonment all involving children.

"Trudy, I'm expecting a file. When it arrives can you let me know"? Hank asked as he put in his password on the key pad.

"Yeah". She said not looking up from her desk.

Hank went on his way and up the stairs. His team were at their desk working on the case at hand. Hank passed Jay's desk and something caught Jay's eye.

"Sarge"? Hank turned to Jay and Jay pointed behind Hank. Hank swifty turned and there stood behind him a four foot seven inch little girl with pigtails. She was in overalls, dirty ones. Her face was covered in dirt.

"Can I help you"? Hank bent down to the child's level.

The little girl didnt say anything and went into Hanks office. Like she was meant to be there.

"Get social services here and find her parents. Check the cameras. There has to be something". Hank told Jay as he went into his office.

"What's your name"? He asked as he took off his jacket. She was spinning in his office chair.

"Penelope". She said with a smile.

"Penelope. That's a pretty name. Where's your parents, Penelope"? Hank sat down on the couch, giving her space and letting her do what she wanted.

"They left".

"Left? Where did they go"?

Penelope shrugged her shoulders as she scrunched up her nose.

"Can I get you something? A soda"?

Her eyes light up. "Really"?

"Any kind you want".

"Pepsi. No. Cola. No. Pepsi". Penelope tried to make up her mind.

"Sarge"? Jay knocked on the door.

"I'll be right back, Penelope". Hank got up from the couch and went outside of the office. Penelope followed him. Standing right beside him with a grin.

Hank cracked a smile with a chuckle. "I thought I told you I would be right back"?

"You did. But I'm thirsty".

"Okay, will you go with Erin and she'll get you a soda and whatever else you want"?

Penelope thought about it for a second and nodded in agreement. "Anything"?

"Just dont go to nuts with the sugar". Hank warned Erin as Penelope held her hand.

"So why did a little girl wander into my station without her parents"?

"I got a plate number  and the car is registered to a Rick Ford. He's a dead beat junkie. He's married to a Scarlett Danielson another junkie. I've got their car on look out. So they shouldnt get to far".

"What else did the security tapes show us"?

"They just stopped the car and let her out. Probably on they're way to get another fix".

"Probably. Where are we will social services"?

"They said it'll be awhile. They're backed up".

Hank sighed, running his hand down his face. "Alright. I'll see what else I can get out of her. Maybe it'll help".

Hank went back to his office as Penelope and Erin came up the stairs. She was happy and giggling.

"Hi". Penelope came in quietly, with her hands behind her back and a smile.

"Hi. What do you have there"?

"Erin said this was your favorite". She put a can of soda on the table with a candy bar for Hank.

"It is. Thank you. That's very sweet of you, Penelope".

"You're welcome". She hummed as she sat down on the chair in front of Hank.

"How old are you"?

"Eight. How old are you"?

Penelope asked making Hank chuckle under his breath. "Old enough".

"Do you know where you live"?

"At my house". She popped the top of her soda and started to slurp.

"Do you know the address"?

"It's in front of a play ground. I use to play there all the time. But now I can't". Penelope sounds sad.

"Why cant you"?

"Bad people are after my daddy. So I can't go outside anymore".

"Okay". Hank got up from his chair and poked his head out the door.

"Places that have a playground in front of houses or apartments". He told Jay.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters"?

"No".

"Voight, I got a address but they could have easily moved". Antonio said from his desk.

"Alright we'll go check it out". Hank grabbed his jacket. Penelope got up from the couch.

"You're going to go with Erin, shes going to show you the station. Take some pictures and make finger prints. Okay"? Hank kneeled down in front of Penelope.

"Okay. You're coming back right"?

"Yeah, I'm coming back. I promise". He smiled with a broken heart for this little girl.

"Okay". She waved goodbye and giggled with Erin.

Hank and his team were on their way to the address.

They were crossing over the Franklin street bridge when Alvin stopped the car wheels squealing.

"We got a jumper". He rushed outside of the car. Hank called it in and got out.

They walked closer to the bridge, a young man was standing on top of the railing.

"Hey". Hank said softly.

"Stay back. Stay back or I'll jump". The young man was panicked and he was scared.

"You don't want to do this. Come down and we can talk".

"No, theres talking. I have to do this. I cant live like this anymore".

"What cant you live with"?

"Just go away".

"No. Tell me why you're on there about to jump"? Hank inched his way towards the railing.

"I hate my life. School is hell. Everyone hates me. I can't go a day without getting picked on or beat up. I get shoved into the lockers. I've had four broken arms and no one has done anything to stop it. This is the only way". The young man was about to jump.

"Woah. Dont do it. If you do this then you let the bullies win. You wont be able to show them that you're better than them. That you weren't torn down by them. They meant nothing. You are young, you have so much to see in this world. Theres so much life in you that you will never be able to explore it. Trust me. There's greatness out there and you will want to see it".

The young man started to sob. "I cant take it anymore. No one will care".

"I care. I dont want to see you lose your life over this. I understand that high school is hard and people are evil. But that's why I do what I do. I help people that are going through what you are going through now. I will help you do whatever you want to do. Whatever it is I will be there beside you every step of the way. I know theres something in your life that you want to do".

"There is". He sniffled.

"Tell me, what do you want to do"?

"I want to be a cop, like my dad and my grandfather".

"Then let's get you where you need to be. I'm Sergeant Hank Voight of the intelligence unit of Chicago police department".

"I'm Calvin Matthews".

Hank held out his hand for Calvin to take and he took his hand. Hank pulled him into a hug. "I'm glad I got to meet you Calvin". Hank said as Calvin sobbed into his chest. Relief rushing over them.

Hank promised Calvin that he'll help him out and be there for him after he gets the help he needed.

"You saved two kids lifes today, great job Hank". Alvin patted Hanks back with a smile.

"Yeah". Hank said with a sigh as he got back in the car heading to Penelopes address.

They arrived and found that her parents skipped town. Leaving everything behind, except for their needles.

"What are we going to do about Penelope"? Jay asked as Hank and Alvin walked up the stairs.

"She okay"?

"Yeah. Social services doesnt have a place for her".

"She can come live with me.  I have extra space. A good school district and she needs a good life".

"You sure"?

"Yeah, just tell them shes with me". 

"Alright". Jay walked back to his desk.

Hank walked into his office seeing Penelope sleeping on the couch. He smiled and went to pick her up.

"You came back"? She said sleepy.

"I told you I would. Now let's go home". He carried her to his car and drove home. Where she slept peacefully for the first time in years. Hank felt his life was complete now. He had a great job, a great team and friends, now a child that needed him to be there for her. He even kept up his promise to Calvin.

Five years later

"Come on, Penelope. We're going to be late". Hank called up the stairs.

"I'm coming dad". She came down the stairs.

They both hopped in the ccx ar and drove to the police academy. Calvin was graduating. He did it, with the help of Hank.

"Congratulations, officer Calvin Matthews". Hank greeted Calvin.

"Thank you. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did".

"Anytime, kid.  Hey, I have a job offer for you if you like"?

"Really"? Calvin said excited.

"You'll be working with the finest of Chicago. I'll be there with you every step of the way".

"Thanks, Hank. I dont know what to say".

"Dont say anything. Just go out there and be yourself. Give hope to people".

"I'll make you proud".

"I know you will, son". Hank said with proudness as he looked at the two kids he save that day standing right in front of him better than ever. Their  lives were completely changed because of him. But so was his, they changed him in many ways that he didn't know he needed.

[ghoestys]

i’m literally pulling this out of my ass so if there are errors and stuff doesnt make sense then please myob and pretend like u understand what im saying im trying to do this before i get caught not doing hw he comes at 6 n its 5:43 rn 

statistics

full name: suzy nora yoon nickname(s): su, suz (pronounced like snooze without the n)  age: twenty three date of birth: tba! hometown: tba! gender: cis female religion: athiest sexuality: bisexual hair colour: black/dark brown eye colour: brown height: 5'5″ tattoos: tba! piercings: tba!

prompt + blackmail

a member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-three and a senior undergrad student majoring in aviation engineering. they are as gregarious as they are aimless.

TW DRUGS!  1. to pay for yale's very expensive tuitition, suzy sells weed that's both fake and real, depending on who is buying and if she likes them. she's not a good seller, though, so this hasn't been the best form of income for her. 2. got accepted into the aviation engineering program, but suzy can't complete her homework without the help of drugs to keep her mind focused and creative enough to understand the problems

about 

family/upbringing/childhood/wtvr

so! literally pulling this out of my ass and making things up as i go! suzy was born in a family with her parents (mom & dad), her older sister, and her older brother. the family was strictly middle class and her parents and siblings were very hardworking. her siblings were good at what they did and they excelled in their academics because they tried hard and all that stuff!

growing up, suzy followed her siblings and her parents and was basically a gifted child from the very start. elementary and middle school was not hard for her and she was in all the advanced and gifted programs. the family was calm and there wasn’t anything drastic that removed the peace or caused any disruption at all. like. they were just chillin. 

i think suzy had an average relationship with her parents. they were still asian, so like... it’s as good as it was going to get. she was somewhat close to her siblings, but seeing as they were 5/8 years older than her, the age gap wasn’t that welcoming to the baby of the family. she was kinda just.. having fun on her own being smart n shit. 

anyways! high school! where all gifted kids literally come to die! due to her shit from elem & middle school, she was offered a full ride scholarship to some prestigious school and as asian parents, they were NOT going to reject that free ride to a school that would help ensure suzy’s success in the future. she went from being one of the smartest kids to being another burnt out gift child and high school was fucking ROUGH! 

bitch really had a fucking crisis and burned the fuck out. her not being the smartest bitch anymore literally killed everything in her and she just stopped being that. she met people and what do u know! got into the wrong crowd where drugs and alcohol was everyones bff! 

she got into that pretty heavily by sophomore year i would say. she was just. yea. 

i mean. she was burnt out  but her grades were still fine if u saw them. studying isnt hard for suzy and shes pretty smart, but she wasn’t at the very top of her class anymore and thats what killed her. instead of having straight a’s, suzy was getting b’s and a few c’s. in a family where anything other than an a was acceptable it really just killed suzy some more 

anyways! drugs and alcohol! made her feel good so she did it. she found that weed was the best thing as well as some tranquilizers/anything that relaxed her essentially. she just liked the feeling of floating n not caring or feeling any pressure like. she wanted to b in her own world n shit. 

college/the elites

after graduating high school, she didnt apply to college right away because honestly? drugs and alcohol and a bitch didnt care by her senior year. her grades were not the best and while she couldve gotten into college, she literally had no interest for college and her parents at this point baiscally disowned her so like? who the fuck is gonna pay for her college??

her work ethic is the worst bc shes so careless like. bitch had a shift from 1-7pm and showed up at 5 because she literally didnt feel bothered enough to show up.

anyways a year or so after graduating high school (idk the math rn) she got really high off something and just. did a whole ass application to yale bc she decided to apply for the shits n giggles. wrote a fake letter of recommendation, wrote killer essay and personal reflection shit or wtvr, and even submitted the application with an attached document of her outlining an entire airplane that wouldve been fully functional except for a few tweaks n shit that was needed

she some how got in from that (this is fake this would probs not b real <3 teehee) and bc she was now accepted and going to yale (she accepted high aha a theme for her), she had to think about how to fund for this shit so she decided to get into drug dealing!

which is honestly. not going good like a bitch again has poor work ethics so her as a drug dealer is so.... she literally got into it bc of euphoria bc it looked easy but doing it... is not easy at all but its her only form of funding so she’s doing it. kinda. loosely. please fire her. 

idk where to put this but. suzy is kinda like that girl from the queens gambit where she feels like she needs drugs to function so like she ditches class but she’ll do all her assignments nicely bc she thinks the drugs give her superpowers to b smart n at the top of her academic class again

when shes under the influence of anything she feels like she can function more or like her life is just... better when shes not sober and ull rarely really see her sober like shes usually just on something 

idk where the post is rn bc im too lazy to look for it bc i jsut got a text that he was coming now but!!! its the tweet where a guy was drunk n drew up an entire blue print of an airplane and that is literally fucking suzy i swear to god 

when shes high she’s like the smartest bitch around (shes smart without drugs but doesnt believe that) and can build airplanes n blueprints n solve maths n wtvrs

suzy is truly an asian stem bitch and the sciences and math is where she excels the most!!!! probs won awards n competitions for math and science but doesnt really acknowledge that much becase like... its just not something shes focused on

got into the elites by just making a blueprint of a plane from scratch infront of the twins like. legit just went infront of them, started making the blueprint from scratch to finish n gave it to  them saying here is a blueprint for a new private plane u guys can build for urselves 

personality 

personality wise she is very friendly n goofy n chill n chaotic 

literally a dumbass n honestly really annoying just ask orion 

shes just a stoner having fun doing her life n not really caring about anything like. how she made it to senior year who the fuck knows i really  dont honestly

i think the main way to describe her is bimbo like thats it 

not really into sharing her life and is more of a listener than a talker when it comes to conversations that are genuinely deep and personal. she will not talk to u about her problems and insecurities seriously (maybe she’ll do it in a self deprecating way) unless she trusts u w her life. otherwsie she will keep it to herself n prays that her stoner part will make people believe shes just chillin w no problems

when it comes to conversations about  nonsense n fake deep shit like what is air then suzy will not shut the fuck up like if u wanna talk to someone about nonsense then suzy is truly ur bitch like. a bitch can fucking talk 

doesnt mind being alone bc she has fun on her own but she prefers company more bc she likes having fun and having someone to accompany wtvr she does. whether its for smoking/drinking or hanging out but also just for like... going to class if she chooses to attend and doing everyday errands like groceries or wtvr. she doesnt really do groceries tho bc she just steals orions fodo but when she does choose to go she likes having people with her :) 

she doesnt have a passion for anything bc she doesnt dream of labor but the closest thing about b making airplanes or helicopters like. blueprints  come easy to her n she enjoys making them bc she feels like shes actually capable of something bc shes aware that making them isnt something everyone can do 

u can treat her like a dumbass n she wont call u on it even tho shes kinda smart bc she feels like shes a dumbass

most likely has bad self esteem and feels like a failure but uses drugs n alcohol to ignore that feeling :) 

probs the least judgemental person ull ever meet bc she really doesnt care about what u do like. she hears the secrets getting outted n she doesnt care there r high chances that she’ll still look at u the same way

[gojos-eyedrops]

Perhaps The One Thing I Actually Regret

Disclaimer: trigger warnings include: depression, eating disorders and suicide. I guess PTSD as well even though its not explicitly mentioned, it is implied.

Hello, my (nick)name is Fry, I'm 23 and I'm a year away from graduating from Vet School. This information is important, I'm not just offering my presentation card.

So, quarantine *claps* the big amount of time I've had ever since...elementary(?) And ofc I've had plenty of time to do a lot of things I've wanted to do, as well as procrastinating others *avoids looking at the pile of unread books in my room* and pretty much my favorite hobby has been catch up on manga, watch anime I've had in my queue for ages.

This is where Haikyuu comes in.

You see, I used to play volleyball in high school. I did a lot of things growing up (horse riding, basketball, kick boxing) Volleyball was the one sport I did for the longest time and the one I enjoyed the most. At the time, my life what a shit show. School hours where the worst, I hated all of my classes, I was friends with probably the two most toxic people I've ever met, my self esteem was 8 ft underground, I had an eating disorder and at some point, I was suicidal. I am ot lying when I say I can hardly remember 50% of my time in highschool. (Chronic stress, man)

However, one thing I do remember was the time I spent training volleyball. I remember each and every face from the team, I remember which faces were good at what and their positions (I always sucked at names akdjsjf except for Patricia 😭💕 my first girl crush and coming out story, but thats another topic for another day), I even remember this guy I had a crush on who wasn't on the team, but his sister was and she she drived so he'd wait for her during her training before returning home. I remember the coaches and how they all were related (grandfather, father and son!), I remember getting crazy excited when i bought my first volleyball and knee pads. I still remember the entire 40 minute warm up, step by step.

Clearly, these two hour training, three times a week was the best part of my week during highschool. So much I actually had a generous lunch before training despite my eating disorder bugging me. I liked to train and actually hated it when my blood sugar got low and had to take a break from training.

Because of reasons, I couldn't keep going training and playing with that team (which was outside of school) so I decided to join the shoool team. The coach was this crazy strict woman, I never felt so fit in my life, her training was HELL and I loved it. However, in my last year of highschool, they switched coaches, and this new coach was an asshole.

I was a setter, and was the tallest girl in the team and also left handed. However, I was a terrible, awful, spiker. I could not spike decently to save a life. So all those three years I was a setter and/or defense. Until this asshole insisted that I became a spiker because I'm left handed. (If you dont know, left handed spikers are an advantage since all blockers are used to block right handed people, left handed players are always a surprise and is hard to adjust during the first minutes of match)

He'd constantly yell at me for my terrible spiking capacities (which i warned him of) and never allowed me to be a setter. I was a depressed and an angry mofo teenager, I left the team.

And since, I haven't joined a team again.

Now, university. You see, vet school is...not as busy as I'd thought. But I had all this burnout, I cut ties with this toxic people, and was trying to heal myself from all the damage I did to myself on highschool. I was antisocial and liked to be alone with my one friend, who's also a socially awkward mess. I had the opportunity to join the volleyball team and I didnt because I still resented this asshole coach.

And by the time I actually wanted to enjoy my university years, vet school had become busy enough. Not because of the homework (a little bit, yes), but because we were constantly visiting farms all around the state. I barely spend time on campus by this point (leaving little Miss quarantine aside).

So, I started watching Haikyuu, and kid you not, I felt this huge regret of not joining the team when I could. I somehow had burried all those good memories in my head and watching haikyuu made me remember why I loved volleyball so much.

I go out to the garden and empty street to play volleyball by myself, and sometimes with my boyfriend joins. Its very nostalgic and at the same time I feel really full and excited and happy. (And I am totally not crying while writing this ajdjsjf)

I should not have waited this long to watch haikyuu, and I should have joined the vb team when i had the chance. I still have a single term left (in case next term goes as normal) to do it, even if its for a single term, I'm gonna be very satisfied. (because my last term are professional practices, maybe I could if the doctor allows me to go training, the vet I already work at is a mile away from my school)

I rarely feel regret or remorse. I hate those feelings. I've always believed theres no point in regretting the past. Instead of letting those negative feelings make you feel bad, you should use them to sharpen your decision making and seek a way to make things better.

But this? I look back and realize I let an entire year (of enough free time at school) of actually enjoying what I like to do. Playing volleyball. And thinking about how the hourglass is slowly running out of sand makes me feel a little regret. Its time I'm never getting back. I let that oportunity slip like water through my fingers. It makes me wish I could turn back time and actually do something. Or tell Past!Fry to not be a whiny little bitch and go join the team despite liking her solitude and privacy.

I guess the reason why I am liking Haikyuu so much is precisely that emotional connection to volleyball and what it meant playing it. The memory of having to whole hours of me not worrying about my demons. Two hours in which I was completely able to fly freely. And I'm already crying way too much, I'm gonna stop writing now before I flood the room sjdjsnjee

Sorry for the long post, but this is something that has been on my mind a lot. Thank you for bearing my emotional rant.

[roleplcyheaux]

what did kelly do to you that was so terrible that person witnessed?

i’m assuming you mean the person who messaged amanda about me when you said “that person”? truth be told i’m not sure what that person witnessed because i’m not sure who sent that in. i spent almost 4+ years being friends with kelly and in that time span a lot of people came into the fold and left it and i don’t know all their stories. or what they saw in that time. i only know my own story and it’s long and convoluted but i’m gonna share it. before i do though, i want to say this isn’t a call out post. or well, it’s not meant to be one. i’m not a fan of cancel culture and i don’t believe anyone is beyond the point of redemption. 

i’ve forgiven kelly for a lot of the stuff that’s happened between us and i also acknowledge a lot of our problems were because i never was honest with her when she asked if things were alright. for the sake of keeping the peace and not starting drama i never said a lot of things. if anything i enabled her. that’s why i’m compelled to answer this question. it’s not my place to judge whether kelly is a bad person or not. it is my hope that she’ll read this and realize she’s capable of hurting people more than she realizes. it’s my hope that seeing these words come from someone who knew her for years and thought the world of her will make her realize that the stuff that’s being said about her isn’t just coming from bitter, fake woke, negative people who are making things up to make her look bad or evil.

it’s important to note that kelly was one of my best friends in the whole world. both online and off. i was 18/19 when i met her. basically just graduating high school and still impressionable and kelly was there for me a lot through those formative years. she made me feel accepted and loved in a time where i felt anything but due to another group of friends who exiled me for being who i was (a woc who practiced islam). literally for the first year or so of knowing her (and ace, kaisi, whoever else was in our friend group at the time) i was lying about my identity. essentially catfishing them to the point where i’d have a friend i knew irl send snapchats for me. the closer i got to them the more the lie i was living weighed on me. i tried to distance myself from them out of guilt because of it but kelly always reached out and when i finally revealed i was lying and showed them who i really was they accepted me.

they understood! it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i was closer to her than ever cause i knew that since she had been so cool with it, that everyone else would take her lead and be cool with it too. that’s the thing about kelly, she has that effect on people. she’s so sure of herself, confident, full of life and people just follow her lead cause she’s charismatic. i knew that since she accepted me everyone else would and i could live my truth finally. after that i essentially felt indebted to her. i loved her. she was honestly like a sister to me. an older sister i wanted to prove myself to and impress. there were a lot of things throughout the time i was friends with her that could have been considered red flags that i ignored. a lot of things she did and said that didn’t sit right with me that i did nothing about. i always gave kelly the benefit of the doubt because that’s what she had given me. but that changed. there was really one defining moment in our friendship where i had my breaking point but even before then there were things:

she asked me to join a group with her as a twin to her nina dobrev and then got mad at me for plotting with people and began accusing me of trying to compete with her even though she’s the one that asked me to join the group. i immediately apologized for trying to steal her thunder and offered to leave the group. i remember messaging lana about it separately and being upset that kelly compared me to an rper we mutually didnt like at the time and who i thought was trying to compete with me on the dash and copy me.

there was an instance where i told a mutual friend that she ended up wanting to do a plot similar to one kelly and i were planning to do for our ship so we decided not to do it. no big deal right? apparently not cause kelly was furious at me for telling this friend this information for some reason? she made a big deal about it and told me she didn’t like people talking behind her back so then i became terrified of saying anything about her even in passing to someone for fear that she’d be mad at me about it.

i learned recently that she used her closeness to me and our bond to make that friend (the same friend from the bullet above) feel excluded. [SCREENSHOT ONE], [SCREENSHOT TWO]. this is someone who she introduced me to mind you. someone she encouraged me to get along with. she would initiate skype calls and then go silent on us so we would continue chatting, not thinking much of it. then later she would accuse us (only to me) of ignoring her and intentionally leaving her out. i remember apologizing for this even though, once again i had zero idea what i did wrong. i also remember that me & this person started to just call/talk to each other directly instead of in the chat cause we didnt want kelly to be mad at us for getting along. 

after that, kelly made a gc excluding this friend without their knowledge. Kelly asked this friend if everything was okay between them and they responded saying they felt a little shitty because they were being intentionally left out. after that, kelly blew up in the gc. she was so angry she left the gc. at this point, she didn’t know who in the fc had told this person about it and i was so scared that i literally prayed before i could message her to tell her that it was me. That night was so scary to me that i honestly don’t remember how the conversation ended, but we managed to patch things up by the end of it.

I recently found out from said friend that kelly knew it was me all along, which can only mean kelly pretended not to know to test if i’d really tell her or not?

this person eventually just cut me out of their life all together simply to avoid kelly. which meant i ended up losing someone who was becoming a really good friend. [SCREENSHOT THREE]. 

one time there was a plot involving my character’s family member. a plot, which was kelly’s idea, where ace’s muse would die. he was my muse’s twin brother. this plot was huge and i started trying to plan the aftermath cause my character would obviously be affected. only the closer it got to the plot happening they kept changing what would happen. one day he would for sure die. the next he wasn’t going to. etc. when it was set in stone he was gonna die i began plotting with other people based on this huge event that was going to happen

but then last minute they changed their minds and he wasn’t going to die but be in a coma. i don’t remember what my reaction was really but kelly didn’t like it and she messaged me angrily accusing me of trying to make everything about my muse and make ace feel bad about not wanting to kill her character. she said something about how i already had all these other plots and i was being selfish. i apologized and explained i was more than okay with micah living and that i just was upset cause i already planned things in advance but i could easily alter stuff to fit the new plot. at the end of that conversation i think i was more upset about how she approached me about the situation than the situation itself.

that’s something that can be said about all of the situations above. it was never what kelly was upset about that made me feel shitty. it was how she chose to talk to me about it. constantly it felt like when she came to me with an issue she was having that she’d either use ace against me to make me feel like not one, but two of my closest friends were mad at me or she’d come in with an energy where it felt like i was guilty until proven innocent. it wasn’t a conversation between friends trying to solve a problem. it was like defending yourself to a judge until the judge decided that you weren’t at fault or at the very least gave them the answers they wanted from you.

none of this stuff is really in order and i can’t be sure when this incident occurred but kelly apparently said horrible things about me and our friend to a person she invited to join a group we were all admining together. i didn’t find out about this until literally today after i already started answering this ask. [SCREENSHOT FOUR], [SCREENSHOT FIVE], [SCREENSHOT SIX]

i also witnessed kelly be unfairly judgmental over someone who joined one of our groups as her wanted connection. the closer i got to this person the more critical kelly grew of her and how she played the character. to the point where the girl could feel her hostility and constantly sent me messages inquiring what she had done wrong to make kelly hate her. [SCREENSHOT SEVEN]

eventually i decided to open a group with this person, lana, and another girl i’d gotten close to toward the end of the group i was admining with kelly & ace. 

this is what led to my breaking point. friends have disagreements. they have fights. and everything up until that point i easily got over because we always managed to resolve the issue and see where the other was coming from. but this fight wasn’t like the others. i had never ever in my life ever felt so hopeless and like nothing i could say would calm her down or make her see things from my side. she came in guns blazing in a way i’d never witnessed before. to the point where i literally got sick and threw up. all while being on a call with my fellow admins who were lost at what to do to help me. i’ve lived with anxiety my whole life but that night was when i had my first full blown panic attack. [SCREENSHOT EIGHT],[SCREENSHOT NINE].

after that i confided in ace. our mutual close friend. i said something about how i couldn’t understand how she handled when kelly got mad at her like this so well because i was falling part. i apologized for seeing the way kelly treated her and never saying anything about it cause i understood how it felt now. i want to say at this point ace was genuinely trying to comfort me and calm me down. she gave me advice. she said give kelly some time. even though kelly told me that ace was upset/mad at me too ace was being so kind and understanding and hearing me out. then, the scripted flipped. i dont know what was said between her and kelly but suddenly ace was against me as well. i was accused of trying to come inbetween them. and i distinctly remember being called childish for being upset about the fight in the first place which hurt me even more (i would provide ss for this too but i cant find them]. ace unfriended me on skype. i never responded to kelly’s last message. and we didn’t really talk for a year or so. 

we ended up letting bygones be bygones and accepted kelly into the revamp of the exact group she had been mad at me for opening. it was my honest intention to rekindle our friendship and leave everything in the past but i couldn’t go back to seeing kelly the way i used to. i couldn’t help, but feel like everything she said or did was suspicious due to our history. evidently, i wasn’t over what had happened between us and i still let her into my life again because i genuinely wanted to fix things. for stuff to go back to the way it used to be! and for a while we were all really good at pretending like it was but kelly would consistently do stuff that would drain me. mostly it just felt like once again i wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of her. she and ace always found something bad to say about the people lana and i were close to. 

kelly would constantly message me being “worried” about “stepping on toes” even after i would tell her over and over again that these girls had nothing against her. she accused one of sending her anon hate but provided no proof. after opening a group they accused the same girl and our close friend tee (who were both admining with us) of being competitive and bubble rping on the dash even though it had been ONE DAY. 

ace blindsided me one night asking if i was available for a call only to go on a tangent about these new friends. attempting to gaslight me by saying i was being “bulldozed” and how they knew i was so sweet and trying to make everyone happy and that these people were “taking advantage of me” it got so overwhelming that i literally sent lana sos messages cause i didnt know what to say or how to react until she joined the call to give me some sort of back up. ultimately that was what made me distance myself. it genuinely felt like even though kelly claimed to have changed we were still having the same problems. her approach was different but underneath the issues were the same. 

i spent a year finding my own path in the rpc instead of following her down hers and when we were reunited it felt like i was expected to fall back into place. to be the same girl who took her at her word and had blind loyalty. when i wasn’t that girl i felt like i was being manipulated into trying to become that girl again. i couldn’t do it anymore so i stopped responding to her messages. i have so many good memories with kelly. so many late night laughs. inside jokes. beautiful muses and plots and characters we created that i still look fondly back on, but i also know that she made me feel helpless, dumb. it messed with my head, made me question my own judgement, and brought out a side of me that i didn’t like. one that was paranoid, anxious, and desperate for her approval. she wasn’t a terrible person to me but sometimes she made me feel terrible and ultimately that’s why we’re not friends

[evphcriccs-blog]

i should have finished this before opening bc now im stressed but im: dumb! also im saoirse and part of the reason that this is so late is bc i got distracted by yoongi gifs!! but uh under the cut is info abt valentine and if u wanna plot hmu through ims or ask for my discord @ kiss emoji, peace hand emoji ,,

dumb pinterest // dumb connections

* ↪↪ min yoongi. he/him. cismale. ╱ i thought i saw valentine won getting questioned by the police. the twenty-two year old is in their third year at west bridge studying visual arts. they were at manon’s party because he’d never pass up an offer to get trashed. do you think they had something to do with her death? + ring adorned fingers, bad decisions in lieu of daddy’s affection, sex dreams during class.

my tropey spoiled lil rich boy who is just... chef’s kiss.... so disgusting (see: a mixture of chuck bass and joey tribbiani. h8 me for it.)

his father: owner of multi-million dollar hotel conglomerate. his mother: a well known defense attorney- they met when she almost sent him to jail uwu enemies to lovers uwu not that that matters besides the fact that, despite being married for almost 25 years now, its been a marriage of non stop pettiness, passive aggressiveness and arguing, as valentine and his 3 siblings have been privy too and are now all equally argumentative and volatile, valentine especially. haha volatile valentine . :/

valentine is the second oldest of the won kids, all of whom are at their core very similar, but beyond that very different; val is the Messy one. he grew up the favourite, his father seeing the most of himself in him as a loud, messy haired, muddy boy and brought him up as such; 

his father decided that val would be the one who inevitably took over his business and bring the family pride; teaching his son all he thought he should know. it wasn’t until valentine was well into his volatile teen years that he’d realized his mistake, that it should’ve been valentine’s brother or sisters, all of whom then looked infinitely more promising than this boy who had been bailed out of jail by his own father too many times for a seventeen year old and had been kicked off the football team for getting in a fist fight with the team captain.

so valentine, with all his fathers’ refusal to bow to authority and anger and high head and love of expensive silk and jewels was suddenly aimless, after being told for all of his life that he didn’t need to worry about making decisions about his future because it had all been planned out for him.

so after graduating high school (a year late because not even his fathers’ bribes and threats could save his abysmal academic standing) he became a layabout, leaving the house to party and showing up at a gross hour of the morning, sleeping all day so he could do it again the next night.

basically his parents got sick of it, told him to find a job or let them ship him off to university SO HERE HE IS but he didnt wanna go into business or law or smthing that would make them PROUD (YUCK!) so instead he went and began to study his actual passion  uwuwu

so now he’s here, guarded personality and decked out in the expensive fits he fell in love with- he likes the idea of being seen as the spoiled rich boy tho!!! bc it leaves NO room for people to know that hes actually a softie with very intense feelings and loves holding hands and cuddling and being the big spoon!!!! haha yeet? :(

i would write more but im already VERY late to this party and i just wanna plot ok pls i love u all 

[modernlcve]

*  —  stats —   colton thacker !

* — basics !

full name:   colton joseph thacker. nickname(s):   prefers none. age:   twenty - four. date of birth:   may first. place of birth:   barlow,   kentucky. gender:   male. pronouns:   he / him. sexual orientation:   questioning level of education:   high school graduate. recipient of a bachelor’s degree in history, currently pursuing his master’s.

* — physical !

tattoos:  none. piercings:   none. notable features:   his nose is distinct?  quite tall also.. didnt fact check that he just looks tall. weakness(es):   injured his left shoulder playing baseball in high school,  it never fully bounced back. scar(s):   one on the upper Bit of his left arm.

* — domestic !

occupation:   line cook at a diner.  ta. residence:  lives alone and lives humbly. social class:   lower middle class. parents:   jody thacker,  age 54,   works at the factory,  a strong and silent type  ( which makes it all the better when he gets in a good joke now and again ).   tanya thacker,   age 49,   a school teacher,   one of those nice church ladies that always has her nose in other people’s business. siblings:   kyleigh thacker,   his sister.   i picture them to be pretty close,   even if differently dispositioned. extended family:   large,   spread throughout his home county.   especially close with his paternal grandparents, farmers who are well known within the community.   two beautiful nephews he would Die for.

* — personality !

positive traits:   insightful.   courteous.   reflective. negative traits:   obstinate.   envious.    myers-briggs ( x ):   istj,   the logistician. temperament:   phlegmatic. moral alignment:   neutral good. horoscope:   taurus,   the bull. hogwarts house:   ravenclaw.

* — favorites !

movie:   raiders of the lost ark. tv show:   game of thrones. book:   child of god by cormac mccarthy. drink:   ale 8. food:   sheperd’s pie. animal:   crows. color:   red. song:   give my love to the rose by johnny cash. artist:   willie nelson. celebrity crush:   ariana grande.

* — impressions !

first impression:  he doesn’t make a strong first  impression.   he’s quiet,   polite,   but he isn’t exceptionally forthcoming.   he’s nice enough to get by but could be intimidating on first look alone. self impression:   he doesn’t quite know What his deal is.   he knows he’s bit odd,   at least for where he’s from,   but he doesn’t think that’s a bad thing. he’s used to thinking of himself as different,  but he’s learned to embrace that over the years. lover impression:   he’s a romantic,   at heart. he’s a gentleman who has like perhaps bit old - fashioned ideas of what that means.   he’s not like gonna be shitty about an independent woman but boy he does believe in like paying for dates and opening doors and shit.

* — et cetera !

turn ons:   intelligent.   shiny hair.   bit of a smart mouth. turn offs:   a superiority complex.   aversion to nature. drink/drugs/smoke:   yes/no/sometimes. dominant hand:   right. clean or messy:   clean. early bird or night owl:   early bird. hobbies or special talents:   he played baseball through high school.   got a bit good at racing in his old truck  ( rip )  hasn’t given the new one a real shot yet.

* — QUESTIONNAIRE !

01. where was your character born? what brought them to st louis? what do they like most about the town?

colton was born in barlow,  kentucky.   he came to st louis for grad school.   on the surface,   its why he came to st louis specifically.   in general though,   he was brought to anywhere out of barlow just because small town life just simply isn’t for him.   he likes st louis because it represents potential.   it’s all the excitement and change and opportunity he’s been looking for,   even now,   after being settled here a few years.

02. who are your character’s friends and family? who do they surround themselves with? who are the people your character is closest to?

colton’s immediate family consists of his parents and his sister,  and,  by extension,   her family.   he gets along well enough with his parents,   even if they don’t always see eye to eye on certain things.   he’s closer with his sister and spends a decent amount of his weekends loitering around her place,   hanging out with her kids.   he surrounds himself mostly with his classmates,   enjoying the conversation that comes from like minded people,   even if they can’t always relate to him.   he’s closest with his sister,   or his grandfather,   whom he calls at least once a week,   more in the rare event that he’s homesick.   pa may not always get what colton’s going on about but he tries and that’s what matters.

03. what is your character’s biggest fear? who have they told this to? who would they never tell this to? why?

colton’s biggest fear is that he’ll always be Yearning for more.   he feels pretty satisfied in st louis,   but he also once felt satisfied in the town he did undergrad in,   and his hometown,   but he always ends up ready for something more.   he comes from the kind of place where you’re supposed to have deep roots,   to live on the land that your family has lived on for ages,   and he really does wish that was enough for him.   it’d make things easier.   but he always wants to be moving and growing and really is afraid he’s going to miss out on getting just like happy,  simple,   domestic times because of that.   he wants more out of life than his town had to offer,   but he didn’t want to abandon the idea of family and home completely.   he’d never tell his family this,   because he feels like he’s got to keep some kind of strong face,   for #toxicmasculinity reasons just as much as needing to prove that he made the right choice in leaving.

04. has your character ever been in love? had a broken heart?

yeah colton had a high school sweetie.   her name was lacey,   they started dating when they were fourteen,   fresh into high school,   went to the same place for undergrad,   lived back home together for a year,   and then called it quits when colton decided to go back to school and move to st louis.   she’s his first and only Real Love,   but,   she got a job teaching at their high school,  and was ready to just settle into living in their hometown again.   even when they decided they could make long distance work while he was at school,   he knew he wouldn’t be able to just finish up in st louis and move back.   yeah it broke his heart a bit but he ended things a week before he headed out.   hurt like hell but maybe deep down he does still imagine that something will happen and they’ll get back together without him moving home one day,   you know,   like an idiot.

06. it’s saturday at noon. what is your character doing? give details.

again,   he likes to fuck around with kyleigh and her kids on the weekends.   when he moved,  it was never to get away from his family,  just the place,   and it’s nice to have them around and still be able to hang out with the kids and stuff.  if he’s not with them,   he’s probably reading.   fucking nerd.

07. what is one strong memory that has stuck with your character since childhood?

back when their grandfather was a little more Spry,   whenever spring came,   he’d go on long meandering walks out in the woods on sunday mornings  ( before church ).   he had never been a hunter,   or a fisher,   it wasn’t anything like that,   just a nice little walk.   when he was like 12 colton decided he needed to be his annoying tag along who probably ruined the purpose of the walks by breaking how quiet and serene the woods were that early,   but pa just ran with it.   they’d talk about whatever came up and it made colton feel special to be a part of something that had always been a special ritual every spring.

09. what is something that upsets your character? where do they go when they’re upset?

i feel like it takes a lot to actually upset him.   he’s pretty chill.   smaller things,   he’s pretty good at just brushing off and moving on from.   he’s upset by like rational things  ( assholes, people coming for his family, questioning his choices )  i guess can’t relate.  he still finds walks in the Woods comforting,   good for clearing your mind,   but most likely he just tries to distract himself with a book or some mindless tv  ( yeah he has a few pawn shows bookmarked for this exact reason ).

10. when your character thinks of their childhood kitchen, what smell do they associate with it? why?

whatever the smell is,   it’s heavy.   something meaty and greasy that would be accompanied by starchy,   weighty sides and some kind of bread,   because that’s what makes a meal,   obviously.   they’ve always been a big dinner around the supper table kind of family.  porkchops,   cube steak,   and chicken anyway you could have it were all on frequent rotation.

[pevcnsiee-blog]

━  🌹| INTRO 

is that a chicken????? no its just me, kitty - im nineteen, live in CEST and im going to present you my lil blondie emmy under the cut  if you’d like to plot just hmu or click the ♥ and i’ll get into ur IM’s c:

[ josefine frida pettersen, cisfemale, she/her ] —» biting down by lorde came on the radio, and it reminded me of emmy pevensie, who’s been in sundance for the last 24 hours. they're 21, and currently unemployed. i’ve noticed they're cold & egoistic but can be independent & polite, too. anyone who knows them would say the loud roar of an old truck, light sundresses flowing in the summer breeze and the sharp smell of hair dye describes their vibe effortlessly.—» [ kitty, she/her, 19, CEST ]

( tw : death, implied child abuse )

- was born on november 13th as emmy natasha pevensie  to her parents and her sister: fiona mary.

- she grew up in the suburbs of helena, montana

- her parents weren‘t particulary strict, allowing emmy and fiona to spent a lot of time doing whatever they desired

- since there wasn‘t a big age gap ( one year ) between emmy and her sister, they spent their all of their free time after school playing outside with the neighbour kids

- in middle school, fiona became a member of her school‘s cheer team

- emmy was never particular fond of cheerleading, yet she always attended her sisters performances

- but due to sickness, little emmy couldnt be there during a very important performance at a outward game of their middle school‘s football team

- emmys parents left their bedridden daughter in the care of a babysitter, while they drove off with fiona to the game

- emmys babysitter got a call from the police thirty minutes later: an accident - fionas and emmys parents didnt make it, yet fiona magically survived with minor injury

- so twelve year old emmy and thirteen year old fiona were sent to their first foster family

- it was quite obvious that this family just tried to gather as many children as they could, in order to get as much money as they could

- the six children and two grown-ups had to share a three-room apartment, cramming all six children into one of the tiny rooms

- emmy and her sister barely recieved emotional support or therapy, due to neglection of the issue by their caretaker

- both of them continued going to school, yet there was a big change in their personalities: both of them kept very much to themselves, their grades dropping dramatically and both girls stopped caring about their friendships - the sisters were mostly seen huddled together on the stairs of the fire escape during breaks

- of course their teachers got concerned, contacting the authorities and soon, the pevensies sister‘s caretaker pulled them out of their foster family and sent them to a different one in colorado springs, colorado  

- and right off the bat emmy could tell that something was off about them, giving emmy a weird tummy-feeling whenever they were around

- but her new parents were friendly, gifting their new daughters a beautifully furnished room and all the candy they could imagine, managing to shake off their bad vibes

- you could say everything was perfect: except fiona and emmy‘s older foster sister

- she seemed to loathe her younger sisters, barely exchanging a word with her new sisters and alwaysexiting the room when both were around, spending as little time as possible with them

- but the worst part was that she always locked the girls into their rooms during the night, not wanting to »have them running around at night and disturb her sleep��

- the new house made a lot of weird noises that fiona and emmy had to get used to first, making nights unbearable for them

- yet they stayed at the family for a couple of years, and her foster sister left the family as soon as she turned eighteen - leaving the girls with a habit of locking their door every night

- during that time, both sister managed to cope with the death of their parents by just repressing it - both scolded each other as soon as they‘d talk about their real parents, trying to forget them

- it was hard for emmy when fiona graduated middle school and now started visiting high school, but it also forced both girl to established a new social circle, with their other half now gone

- that‘s how fiona met her boyfriend.

- both hit of right away, fiona spending almost every night at his house

- and with eighteen, fiona also left her foster home, without telling her little sister - she just vanished while emmy was at school and left nothing behind

- emmy was beyond heartbroken, her foster parents not answering any questions about fiona, but she managed to pull herself together and accepted the fact, that everyone she once loved has now left her

- after fiona graduated high school, she didnt leave her family right away, since they offered her to work as a nanny

- her parents were planning to take in more foster children, now having somebody who could watch over them all day

- they even payed fiona good money and her life was going pretty well; having a handful of good friends she could spent her free time with, she got along with her foster siblings and planned to study abroad in europe once she had the money

- she came home late at night, as she caught her foster father leaving the room of one of her siblings, pulling up his pants and adjusting his belt

- both parties being equally shocked at the sight infront of them

- in that moment, emmy understood everything. the noises, why her foster sister locked their door every night ...

- she stormed into her room, locked her door for the last time, packed her bags and fled through the window

- emmy threw all her belongings she managed to stuff into her bag, into her truck and just drove off, everything she has ever surpressed in her entire life flooding back into her memories

- a short stop was made in a small town in utah, and now emmy is stranded in sundance, nevada after her truck broke down

- she‘s staying at the sundance inn , figuring out what to do next

- emmy is a bit ... difficult at the moment

- she tries to be as polite and respectful towards everyone, but it‘s not that easy if you‘re in a emotional crisis

- also being stuck in a strange town doesn‘t help to gain a sense of security and a good basis to sort out one‘s emotions

- having everybody she ever loved leave her in some way, emmy learned that the only person she could trust is herself

- and that‘s why she started putting herself first

- even in highly critical situation, like her running away from home and not taking her foster siblings with her, leaving them in the hands of their abusive foster father

- but at least she‘s not involved in this mess anymore, right? at least she‘s safe

- there‘s a constant war in her mind

- on one side, she knows that it was wrong to not help her younger foster siblings, but on the other hand she doesn‘t want to get involved with something, that could backfire on her - she doesn‘t have any clear evidence, does she?

- honestly, emmy is very broken right now, but is afraid to let anyone get close to her, in case they happen to break her even more

- thus being quite selective in her choice of friends: she won‘t let them get too close, since she doesn‘t want them to know any of her struggles, but she is often way too polite to say no, when one of her friends is in need

- then she tries to find a quick solution, not wanting to shoulder more problems and sorrows than she already has

- but emmy would lie, if she would say, that she doesn‘t enjoy having a bit of company once in a while - just because she doesn‘t want any help, doesn‘t mean that she want to be lonely and secluded

- people who were able to get to know the blonde better, were able to experience her dry sense of humour and her tendency towards sarcasm and self-depricating humour

-they also experienced being woken up in the middle of the night by emmy calling them, demanding them to come outside and join her to get some fast food, the blonde not wanting to be a weirdo, who buys three cheeseburgers and eats them in her parked truck at four thirty in the morning, alone

- spontanous roadtrips tend to happen on a regular basis when being friends with emmy

- again, with the reasoning of her wanting to do something, but doesn‘t want to be seen as an awkward loner

- because she spents so much time in her good old truck, she‘s a fairly good driver and manages to perfectly park even in the most difficult spaces

- never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, due to already fearing a break up

- she‘s not a real blonde

[00sheven]

real horror show.

my last post got me thinking of the old days. since I dont really have anything new to talk about, ill talk about this. you'll get posts like this from time to time. it's just random shit that crosses my mind during the day, or night when I'm suffering a mind full of racing thoughts taking me in 30 directions at once.

once upon a time.

going back to my past. at this point it seems like a millions years ago. I closed this chapter in my mid 20's

I was angry and I had no conscience and I was strung out. I started at an early age. I was barely in my double didgets when I committed my first burglary. I did it alone.

my friends and I in gulfport used to sneak out in the middle of the night. we used to rob a candy truck up the street from where I lived. at the end of one summer we were so burned out on candy we threw trash bags of it away. one of my friends and I robbed a houses while the people in it were asleep. we almost got caught.

there used to be a lady that lived up the street. she was married. she used to let us come over to her house and feel her up. her husband came home once and my friend and I had to hide in the closet.

I got drunk and smoked my first joint with those guys.

by the time I was in my mid teens I was hanging out with older people doing any kind of dope I could find.

me and my friends in anahiem were breaking into cars and stealing bikes to get money for drugs. at this point I pretty much stopped going to school.

one night I was walking across the park going to meet my friends when I was confronted by two guys who were really angry at me.

one was yelling at me and the other was standing off to the side. out of the blue he hit me in the face with something. I found out later they were nunchucks. when I regained consciousness there was some girl yelling at them.

turns out a week or so before that my friends and I were under the influence of pcp and some of the older tougher guys started shit with them. I didnt remember because I was lit. but they remembered me.

I was sent to live with my dad in Washington. my mom had enough of me so I moved from anahiem. I was going to be put in "a private school" (placement) for a year while my dad went out to sea. I was supposed to live with him in Jacksonville florida when he got back. he died in transit while we were visiting relatives in kansas for the hollidays.

after about a month my mom picked me up and we went to texas where this school was. I was 16 at the time.

the goose's age.

I was there under a year. I escaped with a friend and hitchhiked to California.

chino

my mom had remarried and moved to chino while I was in Washington and texas.

I moved in with them in the summer of 85.

I didnt live there long. I moved in with a friend and lived in his closet. i used to get high with most of my friends parents. we didnt have to go to school.

I started hanging with the local punks.

I joined a local gang and started going to shows and parties. lots of fights lots of violence.

I remember going to a back yard party in hacienda heights. it was a set up. I got jumped by at least 10 dudes. my friend almost had his throat cut. it was the first time I was shot at.

most of the key members of that gang (middle class kids) graduated high school and went off to college.

a couple of the guys and I went to college too.

we joined another gang from L.A., one that had been around. one that has a reputation. it was the real thing. I did that for about a year or so and decided to get out. I was dealing with being broke and homeless. plus a few months after I got out I had some drama with them. it bums me out to think about it.

after that I took a step back. my chino friends were serious enough. there was a lot of drugs and girls and drugs and parties and drugs... well you get the picture.

I was probably 23 or 24 now.

I had played guitar since I was in my early teens.

a friend offered me a job playing bass in thier band.

a couple of years after that my sister had moved in with my mom with my neice who was maybe 2 or 3 at that time. everyone worked so they needed some to watch her during the day.

it got me off the street.

it was a wild ride, I had to at the very least live 5 to 6 lifetimes in that time period.

of course this is the barest of minimums as far as cliff notes go.

I look on it with mixed emotions. sometimes I'm proud of it.

i look back on those days with a longing. I had power, money, sometimes. most of the time I didn't need it. my family took care of me.

I feel that way when on the rare occasion I speak to some of them. it's kind of like one of those psycho conversations you hear in mob movies when they are talking about horrific shit and laughing and reminiscing like it was an old football game.

did I hurt people. yes.

sometimes I just cringe thinking about it.

at the very least I know what I'm capable of doing. good and bad.

I know my darkside very well.

I am not my past.

I am not that person.

but it made me who I am today.

and I accept it.

I think it made me a better person because I have a unique understanding of poverty, violence' self medication, anger.

dont judge. you weren't in my shoes. you didnt have to live through it. well I take that back there are a couple of you that read this that were there.

I'm not trying to glorify it.

the only reason I'm posting it is because it illustrates some of my background so you as a reader can get to know me better.

isn't that the point.

its record of my time.

here's a song that reminds me of those days.

Running away, something better ahead

But you gotta think fast before it's too late

Just one cut around your head

Just one minute and you'll call me dead

You better watch out for the razors in the night

You better leave out the razors in the night

Backstreet boys wear boots and braces

Razor blades and angry faces

Too much tension, too much fear

What the hell are we doing here

Murder is the biggest prize in sport

Cause violence is the only game you've been taught

A pool of warm blood is your prize

Or a cold blade across your eyes.

if you would like a taste of the 80's as far as the L.A. punk scene went (which was riddled with gang violence) check out this book. keep in mind we all knew each other back in those days ( and if you didn't know the person personally you knew at least 10 if their friends) when it was for real.

one of my favorite jokes is "I was punk rock when it was called HEY FAGGOT.

believe me it was not the popular choice when I got into it. you were hated, and beaten up. now it's just a phase kids through. a fashion trend. it is everything that was despised when it started.

I wasn't in LMP either.

41020

a clockwork orange bedroom scene beethoven

blitz razors in the night

discos out murders in trailer.

[ventingoutmyass]

7.23.19

I think I'm ready to talk about it.

I went on a bender this summer because of some deep rooted emotional distress that took a long time for me to find and try to understand. And although I'm still figuring out for myself what it is and exactly what it means, I'm going to do my best to relay it to you.

The year is 2009, I was in my sixth grade classroom. I saw a familiar face walk into the room, a girl that I had met the year before, through a mutual friend. I was the only person she knew in the class so she started to hang out with my friends and I, and we became close very fast and she was soon my best friend. I'm going to refer to her as "N".

N was a little Muslim girl who's family had become very americanized after moving here when she was a toddler, she knew little about her religion and culture and didnt wear a hijab. Her parents spoke broken English and her home life was pretty erratic because of neglect from her parents to her and her two younger siblings who were born in the states.

In seventh grade we became close friends with another old friend of mine, from first grade. I'll call her, "R". The three of us were inseparable. Between 2010 and 2011 the three of us each had very hectic lives outside of school. N's family put a lot of pressure on her to help around the house and take care of her brother and sister while secretly experiencing emotional neglect and verbal and physical abuse from her parents. R's mom had passed about two years prior and she was left with a father who also emotionally and physically neglected her. I was watching my life crumble under me from my parents separation during this time. We rarely talked about the troubles we were having at home, but we were always able to leave them at home because we came to school everyday to be with our best friends.

In eighth grade my two friends each moved to a different school, mostly due to long commutes and experiencing a lot of bullying the year before. We still talked to eachother everyday and got together constantly.

N and I ended up going to the same high school, and spent every moment available together. At one point our freshman year when her parents were separating, she lived with my family for a few weeks. She was always at my house and became a member of my family. My parents took her under their wing and treated her as their own. She was my sister.

Throughout high school we had our ups and downs, at one point junior year our connection was growing weak and then we had our first and only class together for all of high school. We bonded again and our friendship was my top priority. She was always my top priority, especially knowing how stressful life was at home for her. I wanted to be the place that she could be only happy and always feel safe, and that's what my family and I were for her. Her home.

The three of us got together every few months throughout high school, as N and I watched over the years R had began to change into a person we did not recognize. She surrounded herself with bad influences and made poor decisions that I got to see first hand a few times, which often made me take a step back from her.

After graduation we started to drift a bit, just because we didnt see eachother every day and adult life gets in the way. But I still spoke to her almost every day and often saw her on weekends and she spent a lot of holidays with my family. She flew back to Iraq to visit family for a month that summer and bonded a lot with her aunts and cousins. Shortly after coming home she started dating a boy she knew from work and while he wasnt a terrible influence on her, I saw her personality shift a little. She became obsessed with this boy and didnt pay as much attention to me, of course I got jealous but we often made plans to hang out all three of us. Her parents eventually found out about him and they broke up soon after.

The next January, of 2017, she decided to stay with her family in Iraq for seven months. In case you don't remember, shortly after she left, a travel ban was placed from several countries to the US, including Iraq. I begged her to come back while she still could, she refused and assured me that it would get figured out when time came for her to come home. On August 3rd, she made it home. She was much more in touch with her religion and her culture and learned a lot more Arabic including how to read and write it. She began wearing a hijab and dressing much more modestly. She behaved very different and it felt like she was a completely new person. As much as I missed who my old friend was, she was finally happy with her life. That's all I wanted for her, and that's what mattered to me. I saw who she was when she wasnt miserable, for the first time in over seven years.

That August, she met a boy. And to be honest with you, it all goes downhill from there. A few months later, she took a pregnancy test, and it came out positive. She went to the doctor who gave her a real test and when it came out negative, she walked out of the office with a prescription for birth control.

That May two months later, when she never got her period and the symptoms didnt stop, she went back for another test. She was eleven weeks pregnant. Days later, her boyfriends mom told her parents against her wishes. She called me that night sobbing, begging me to take her away. My mom and I raced over to her and I sat in her room as she cried while my mom talked to her parents for over two hours about the situation she was in and the paths they can take. My mom talked them out of sending her to China to get sewn back up after an abortion. We went back home without her that night, the first of many regrets I have.

I talked to her about the two realistic options we could think of.

Take the baby and run away somewhere that her parents wouldnt be able to find her. We had countless people reach out to help her and offer her places to stay and people to help with the baby.

Get an abortion and continue to keep her siblings and distant family in her life

She wanted what she wanted. She wanted her boyfriend, her baby, and her family. I told her there was no way to have it all. She wouldnt listen to me or my mom who knew very well the situation she was in and who her family were. She would only listen to advice from people who told her what she wanted to hear. People who knew nothing about her family or the dangerous situation she put herself in. She chose to live in a fantasy world where she could prepare for having a baby and announce it to everyone who would listen. In the frustration and exhaustion, I gave up. I accepted that anything I said or did wouldn't affect any choice she would make. I was emotionally drained as well as my family. I told her that I would be there as soon as she would ask for my help and I stopped bugging her about it. She didn't call me again. Another big regret of mine.

She soon got an abortion against her will. In her grievance, she went back to Iraq that July. I didnt talk to her much at all after she left. Initially I was told it would be until the fall. At the end of September I asked her when she expected to come home. She said either October or November. She never came home and I've never heard from her since.

I've lived my life alone since then. I had lots of other friends and a loving boyfriend by my side and my family was always there, but I always felt empty. A piece of me was always missing. By May of 2019, I had pushed away all of my friends and my boyfriend and I broke up. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I felt so alone that I pushed my family away as well. Loneliness had swallowed me whole.

That only thing that made me feel anything was this boy I had made friends with from work and I spent every single moment with him for about a month and a half. I didn't know why this was happening to me. I didn't know why I didn't care about anyone or anything else. I felt no emotions and nothing mattered. I went to work every day, and went to his house to get high and feel anything I could. He made me feel alive in a time that I couldn't feel anything else at all. I couldnt even think straight enough to realize what was really going on.

I felt such an intense loneliness that I couldnt spare myself for anything that wasn't completely easy. I never went home because I couldn't handle facing something that I couldn't even see. It meant facing reality and facing myself. I got sick again. I couldn't think. It was like I forgot how to think. I didn't give myself time to write. I didn't allow myself to be free of any distractions for weeks. I was always at work, or high, or with this boy. Usually, all three. I wanted to live in this world I had created for myself to mimick what I remembered happiness felt like.

The loneliness slowly started to kill me. It wasn't until about three weeks ago that I started to realize that something huge was going on with me and that I needed to figure it out and deal with it so I could get back to living a normal life.

I realize that losing the one person I always promised to keep, hit me hard. The one person I trusted to stay with me until the day I die is gone and I will never get that person back. It was supposed to be her and I against the world. My forever, my person. I promised to always protect her. I promised her that I would be there for every single thing she needed. I gave up on her. I gave up and lost her. I have the live the rest of my life never knowing what I could've done different. Thinking the rest of my life about what I should have done. Everything I didn't think about doing. I should've take her that night. I never should've left her side. I should have quit my job to be next to her through the turmoil. Nothing matters because I don't want to live in a world where she doesn't exist. I can't function through heartache without her to feel it with me

I have to learn to live in a world without my best friend

[lokisvillainy]

So 2019 really is the year of karma... 

There was his girl who was my best friend from elementary to high school, she had no friends, she was very shy and intelligent and that attracted me because I couldn’t stand people who talked endlessly with nothing good to say. She was grumpy as fuck but I managed to win her friendship because she was new at the school and wanted to make friends. 

We became so close! Always visiting each other’s houses, going to the mall together as teenagers do, texting, telling each other about our lives. In the first year of high school she became sicker and sicker and had to be sent to São Paulo to be tested and treated because she was diagnosed with an auto immune disease.

We went to a private school and sat on different spots because even though she was a genius, literally a genius, she liked to sit on the back and I liked to sit in the front row. When she got sick I would not stop looking back to check on her. One time I saw her crying from pain but was the only person to notice because it was so subtle and I knew her so well, so I left my chair without permission to go sit by her side. I held her hand through the crisis and we shared the same spot.

Our math teacher told me to go back but I said ‘no’ to a teacher for the first time in my life. My friend asked me to go back and I said ‘no’. She didn’t want to miss the class, but how would she pay attention anyway? I stayed there until she admitted she needed to go home, so we both left the class and I waited with her until her mother picked her up.

She was everything to me, like the sister I never had. We were really really close and she was mean to everyone else because she could never bear them for too long. She won the math and physics olympics every year and studying was her main focus. I was the only friend she actually cared to keep around. 

When we were about to graduate things changed, she stopped contacting me out of school as much and was rude whenever I said things about keeping in touch. She was really shitty to me in many occasions and since she was my best of friends I continued trying, and she was pushing me away. I felt lost because I loved her like a sister and with the end of school and no effort on her end to see me, we would probably move on with our lives.

She never answered my messages and when we met at school she said she was busy and that we didnt need to talk that much. I was upset and I told her that, maybe I was too needy. She posted things on facebook about friendships that demanded attention and that real friends never demand it, you’re just there for each other all the time. I thought ‘maybe she’s right’ and stopped reaching out. 

At that point I moved to college in a different city, before leaving I suggested ‘I’ll message you when I’m in town so we can hang out together’ and she told me she’d be too busy but I could try. 

I didn’t, I’d had enough.

Second year of college, she messaged me to tell me she missed me and that she would try to find time in her calendar for me. I was so indignant I didn’t even reply to that. 

5 years later, we both graduated, last week, she sent me a video of the two of us singing together and playing guitar when we were 16. We are 24 now. I could feel she was feeling nostalgic. I said it was nice, but didn’t attempt much conversation because...?? It’s been a long time and I didn’t want to fall into that pit of bad memories.

Last night she sent long messages telling me she misses my friendship and that even though she is aware we are not the same people, that she wants it back. She said we don’t even need to be as intimate as we were before, because she is not in a good moment to be a ‘decent friend’. So her pride is hurt, but she misses me. She offers it and withdraws it. I can still read her so well after so many years it’s hysterical, honestly. I didn’t open her messages nor replied because I worked until 9 pm and got home at 11. I was tired.

This morning she sent “I get the message, sorry I appeared out of the blue like this’ and I explained that I was tired and needed to reply properly after being rested... I said I don’t mind being friends with her and that we are indeed not the same people we were in the past. That’s all I said, even though I could have said a lot more. I’m not about to kick a dead dog.

I like her but I’m very apprehensive, I’ve suffered so much because of this friendship break up. It taught me a lot though... taught me not to be so clingy and so needy, taught me that friends come and go and that’s just fine. But I was still surprised that she misses me after so many years when I actually moved on from the whole thing.

I was a really good friend to her and I used to be there all the time, we travelled together, texted for hours, we liked the same stuff and had similar problems. I wonder if she ever got to find something similar in her life.

[wayward-marvel-sommer1196]

Tag Game

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Tagged by @kdfrqqg It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these lol. I wasn’t even in the SPN fandom the last time I did one. 

1. Drink? Pepsi

2. Phone call? My dad

3. Text message? My sister

4. Song you listened to? Say You Won’t Let Go by: James Arthur (literally gives me goose bumps every time I listen to it.) 

5. Time you cried? 4th of July (Don’t ask) 

6. Dated someone twice? No, I’ve only ever had one REAL boyfriend and a bunch or near misses

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? Never kissed anyone 

8. Been cheated on? Nope

9. Lost someone special? Yes 

10. Been depressed? Yes, like all the time 

11. Favorite colors? Purple, Blue, and recently Red 

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends? Yes

16. Fallen out of love? Love-love no, semi-love yes 

17. Laughed until you cried? I dont think I’ve ever laughed til i cried??? Laughed until my stomach hurt sure but not til i cried 

18. Found out someone was talking about you? Unfortunately 

19. Met someone who changed you? Yes, not in a good way 

20. Found out who your friends are? 100% yes I love my girls so much

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list? No one that wasnt in like a family matter 

General 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? a solid 97% only because some are family that ive never met. 

23. Do you have any pets? No Dad hates pets, but do babies count? because they are equally as frustrating and I live with two under the age of 3.

24. Do you want to change your name? yes too many jokes and annoying nicknames

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Got my hair done, had some pudding cake, and went to Iguana Mia for a free lunch with my mom and her boyfriend and then binged Gilmore Girls b/c mom didnt feel well so we went home and did nothing after like 2. 

26. What time did you wake up? 7:30 because of the babies I live with but didnt get out of bed till 8:15

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? On here actually 

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Graduating College but that ties with Getting Married 

29. When was the last time you saw your mom? a few weeks ago?? I know im horrible but her work schedule is all over the place and my life is so unpredictable but i do try and talk to her every other day. 

31. What are you listening to right now? My family messing around 

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yes

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? my job not giving me shifts and my step nephew with his lack of respect for adults 

34. Most visited website? Tumblr

35. Hair colour? Dark brown with a tint of burgundy because I havent gotten it dyed since december (my bday) and red washes out real fast but leaves subtle traces especially in the sun

36. Long or short hair? As of now on the shoter side, like shoulder length, but if you would have caught me a month ago it would have been hella long got 10 inches cut off 

37. Do you have a crush on someone? As of now NO because my last crush stomped on my heart and crushed then ran it over with a semi so I have sworn off men unless celebrities count????

38. What do you like about yourself? Honestly, right now nothing thats one of my issues. BUT if I had to pick I guess my loyalty??

39. Piercings: just your standard, run of the mill ear piercing 

40. Blood type: 0+

41. Nickname: Don’t have one because I refuse to share what my mom called me throughout my childhood. So i just go my full name Sommer

42. Relationship status: single and hating men 

43. Zodiac: Sagittarius 

44. Pronouns: She/Her

45. Favourite tv show: UGGGHHH too many. SPN, most superhero shows, most crime dramas, Greys Anatomy, and more. I used to be a tv addict and started watching a bunch of shows and although i dont watch them much anymore doesnt mean i dont still love them

46. Tattoos: Yes, on my right foot. Its part two to a quote that me and my sister got together. “....but thankful for the one ive got.” she got “A perfect sister i am not.....” 

47. Right or left handed: Right

48. Surgery: If getting my wisdom teeth taking out (all four of them at once) counts then yes other than that no.

49. Piercing: Already answered 

50. Sport: None, I suck at all sports and hate them all too. I was and am more of a book person than a ball person, but I do enjoy a leisure swim on occasion

51. Vacation: Would love to take one but im broke. My last was a high school trip right before i started my senior year where we traveled through five states making stops in each until we ended in indiana for the convention we needed to go to and then came back.

52. Pair of trainers: don’t know what this means

53. Eating: I wish I was lol My dinner sucked ass. Man, I wish I had a nice juicy steak right now with a baked potato and asparagus yum 

54. Drinking: at the moment nothing but the last thing I drank was at like 2 pm and now its almost 10 (oooppps) and that was a mocha coffee from DD

55. I’m about to: take a shower then outline some god damned stories that are haunting me right now 

56. Waiting for? something good to happen in my life for once 

57. Want? To be prettier, but I am slowly losing weight which is helping that problem. OOOOHHH and my best friends to be with me right now

58. Get married? I would love to at some point. Not anytime soon, but I also have to find someone who can put up with my difficult moody ass for the rest of our lives sooo..... that could be awhile

59. Career? Now none after college hopefully a forensic scientist/CSI since that is what my degree is going to be in

60. Hugs or kisses? Bith

61. Lips or eyes? On an S/O eyes hands down on me i guess my eyes

62. Shorter or taller? On an S/O taller I guess I have a type lol a bit of a height kink. On me shorter im only 5′2

63. Older or younger? Older although if it was only like 2 years younger Ii would be cool with that just not any further 

64. Nice arms or nice stomach? These questions are so superficial and I feel superficial for answering them but I guess in a S/O stomach on me I have neither soo...

65. Hook up or relationship? Relationship, im a sappy sappy romantic at heart a hook up is too impersonal and so crass I want the feelings 

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

67. Kissed a stranger: No

68. Drank hard liquor: Being that I am only 19 I’m legally obligated to say no, but my oldest sister is a horrible influence so I may have had a taste a few times 

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No but I have lost a retainer, twice, in the garbage. Yeah my parents werent to happy with me 

70. Turned someone down: Depends? for a date no. for anything havent we all. sex never been offered.

71. Sex on the first date: Virgin, so no and I’ve only had one real boyfriend that wasnt really a relationship anyway so yeah

72. Broken someone’s heart: I want to say no, but I guess I have not in a relationship way but you can break anyones heart for any nimber of reasons

73. Had your heart broken: Hell the fuck yeah but so many damn people 

74. Been arrested: No, close once but the store guy let me go on a warning

75. Cried when someone died:  Yes, doesnt everyone unless the deseased is like an axe murderer or something

76. Fallen for a friend: Ugh this question. I hate it so much. Yes, that boyfriend I mentioned that was the situation and that didnt end well. And then my sophomre year I was like in LOVE with this kid I had known back in elementary school and he was my best friend and he was out of my league and let me down gently. Then i fell for my frenemy my senior year, but he neber knew and it was just a phase for me I guess it didnt last long 

Do you believe in… 77. yourself?  Wish the answer was yes, maybe come again another day? 

78. Miracles?  sometimes 

79. love at first sight?  I would like to but Ii just can’t

80. Santa claus? I wish, but I am glad to pretend for my niece and nephew 

81. Kiss on the first date? Sure if it went well 

82. Angels? Nope. Sorry 

Other 83. Current best friend’s name: Well, I got three. They are my girls, my squad. Weve all been best friends for going on 4 four years. Sam, Dana, Solange 

84. Eye colour:  Brown, boring I know

85. Favourite movie: Can’t choose just one so like the entire Marvel franchise? Can I do that? Too bad I just did 

Im supposed to tag 20 more people but honestly my hands are cramping its after 10 and I really need a shower so if you want to take a crack at this I totally encourage you too. 

[leaughrilke]

super-sensate-seestras replied to your post

“Who do u think the superbabies will date?? :D (also since stella looks...”

I would love to hear more about Stella and Beth's relationship drama cause I absolutely love all of these breakdowns about the superbabies

WELL FRIEND there’s other drama too but this is the Major drama that hinders their relationship for a long time

so stella know she has a crush on beth, has been like aggressively ignoring said crush and tryin to Live Her Life and its been a year since stella came out, came to terms and she’s just started her nighttime shenanigans as a vigilante, just started trying to help the way kara does, the way maia does and its going ok???  until she.  you know.  gets stabbed (LIGHTLY STABBED) and is like hmmm i feel as though i should reassess maybe

and then beth’s back in national city after graduating early with like three bachelors (xenobiology, nanotechnology, and engineering) and at least one masters and a corresponding doctorate (in something sciencey, listen im barely an english major), working at l-corp bc she’s a Documented Genius and stella wants to step up her vigilante game, especially since she recently was lightly stabbed and doesnt rlly want that to happen again, and beth’s always been rlly calm and steady, very logical and she keeps all of maia’s secrets, so stella approaches her a little reluctantly to see if she’s willing to help and beth gives her this long, searching look and finally agrees, designs and builds her a new suit with a shitton of gadgets, is the main reason stella starts getting called mechagirl by the press but only helps with stella’s promise that beth can then help with actual missions bc like??  beth cares about her a lot too, doesnt want to see her die ya know??

and it’s weird??  bc now she’s friends with beth in her own right???  works alongside her a lot and beth serves as her tech person, finds her jobs she can do that supergirl or birdy (maia’s superhero alter ego) haven’t gotten to yet and national city gains a new superhero pretty much bc of beth.  and then its a late night of saving ppl and stella comes back to her apartment/headquarters and beth’s still there, wrapping up some end of night reports (she insists on keeping detailed logs in order to avoid any issues with the cops later on) and she’s ordered stella’s favorite takeout, put it in the oven to warm for her and stella’s so grateful and also pretty tired??  rlly tired and beth basically lives with her and sometimes the proximity blurs lines in stella’s mind and so she just leans down to kiss beth, murmurs thank you sleepily and goes into her room to change.  and beth’s just sitting there??  like oh my god, the girl i’ve been in love with for months just kissed me and she doesn’t even realize it but then stella REALIZES IT and runs back out like shit im so sorry beth, that was so inappropriate of me but beths like??  wait do you not like me and stella’s like WAIT DO YOU LIKE ME???? 

surprise!!  this is how stella finds out beth’s an alien and also how beth finds out stella’s an alien lmao.  like.  beth’s species has mental shields, similar to martians??  so stella’s never been able to read her or see in her mind but she never rlly tried to or even questioned it??  or even noticed bc she’s rlly empathetic anyway, reads body language rlly well, so she’s never known that beth likes her the way stella likes beth

like, later in their relationship, stella suddenly can read beth??  like rlly well and she’s like um what the hell and beth’s like oh, yeah, i stopped putting up the block and stella’s just like starry eyed like holy shit you trust me that much???  

beth’s like uh yeah but dont let it go to your head you nerd

but are they smart abt this and admit their v deep feelings for one another then??  no.  they just hookup and then keep hooking up, pretending like nothings changed, pretending like theyre not basically living together or doing all the shit Couples do but just refusing to tell anyone or acknowledge it at all.  and it’s ok for a while??  its solid

but then stella’s suit malfunctions, gives her a nasty burn down her side and she begs beth to not tell anyone that she’s in the hospital, that she’s been hurt and beth’s like shit, stella, i can’t keep doing this bc they’re working with a budget of about eleven dollars, a starburst, and stella’s bus pass, building with shit from the scrap yard and old electronics from secondhand stores and beth wants stella to just tell her family she’s the new vigilante bc then they’d have access to better resources, then beth wouldn’t be so scared every time stella runs out to go save a family from a burning car or stop a bank robbery, but stella refuses, knows that it would be a battle to be accepted like this.  

its a fight they’ve had for months before and then stella’s armor fucks up and beth just calls it.  tells her that she comes clean or beth won’t help her keep almost dying, so stella tells her that she doesn’t need her and beth moves all her shit out of stella’s apartment and its all rlly quiet, subdued and its so fucking sad

she takes the job offer she has at wayne security in charm city (wink wink) and doesnt tell stella, stella finds out when she goes over to her moms and finds beth there, with maia and her moms and finn, all laughing and grinning and maia tells her that beth is getting her own department at wayne security, that she’s moving on friday and stella fakes a smile, congratulates beth before she leaves and that’s the end of it, she never sees beth again

but then stella wrecks her motorcycle.  i think i mentioned once that stella is a little bit of an adrenaline junkie??  well she’s a huge adrenaline junkie and she was testing the limits of her newly redesigned bike, pushing it past 90, 120, 150 and then she just??  loses control of the motorcycle.  it just spins out and stella tries to stop it, turns into the spin and pumps the brakes which slows it down enough that she doesnt just fucking die, but not so much that she’s not close to dying

beth is still her emergency contact.  so beth gets the call, middle of the night, that stella danvers was in a wreck, is on the way to the hospital and that she should get here as soon as possible.  but beth is a ten hour drive away and can’t possibly know that she’d get there soon enough, be there if....if it came down to stella not being alone.  and.  well.  its not her place, never was.  so she calls lena, tells her the emts called the last number stella called bc its so much easier that way, kinder to everyone she thinks

she still drives through the night to national city.  gets there just a little after maia does, her eyes red and puffy from sobbing on the freeway, hands shaking a little.  thank god no one asks why she’s there or why she’s this panicked, bc she’d probably tell them and she knows that’s the last thing stella would want (or, well.  she thinks that at least).  maia just sobs out that beth is the best friend for coming, holds onto her in this desperate, damp sort of hug and beth just stays quiet

beth doesnt stay after she finds out stella woke up, is going to be okay.  she can’t right??  she shouldnt be here in the first place right??

so maia stays in national city to help stella in her recovery bc stella’s being stubborn and refuses to move back in with their moms, and maia figures most of her moping is to do with the fact she’s not allowed anywhere near her motorcycle anymore, but then she finds this one shirt that she knows is beth’s, knows beth has had since high school and its tucked under stella’s pillow and she puts it together pretty quickly.  the way they were friends and then all of a sudden they werent, the way beth came running back to nc the second stella got hurt, that weird pulse of anger, hurt she felt when stella found out beth was moving to charm city.  and like???  she doesnt know what to do with that information, she’s not sure what to feel or how to think about this so she just files it away for a later time, tucks the shirt back under stella’s pillow without saying anything

so eventually stella gets convinced to move back home, bc maia’s like hey.  i dont mind living with you and i dont mind helping you, but the neighbors are starting to think its weird that i carry you up the three flights of stairs to your apartment every day so finally stella moves home and maia comes with her bc they’re finally in a good place again??  they finally worked things out between them from when they were kids and maia’s not about to leave stella, not when stella’s like finally started seeing her as another Certified Safe Place.  so they’re back in their childhood bedrooms and then lena finds out about stella’s vigilantism.  mostly by accident??  stella’s still p much out of commission until her body’s at a 100 percent again but lena finds the mask and its a whole Thing between them, the first time stella’s ever really fought with lena and then by natural extension, kara finds out and then maia clues in and then the whole family has an opinion on it and stella’s just like MCFUCK OFF

and maia??  is like desperately scared for her sister, and she’s angry and she’s hurt that she didn’t tell her, didnt think that she would do anything to help her, but she also knows how isolated stella feels, how helpless she must be feeling, how stuck she is, so she calls beth

and when beth is beating around the bush with it, playing dumb like idk why you’d call me??  stella and i really aren’t that close, maia just calls her out on it like.  elizabeth, i know for a fact you were sleeping with my sister

oh

yeah, oh.  i have some words to share with you at a later date, but right now stella needs someone in her corner and that can’t be me 

and beth doesnt like.  doesnt even hesitate.  she drives her shitty beat up jetta the ten hours it takes to get from charm city to national city and gets a shitty hotel and is so, so nervous??  bc what if stella doesnt want her here??  what if she never wants to see beth again???  but then maia’s texting, saying that the house is empty if she wants to talk to stella and she does, she really does, like?  she didnt realize how big of a part of her life stella was until she was gone, until she had moved to a new city and met new people like she’s completely in love with stella, so she goes

stella opens the door and just stares for a second before she says that maia’s out for a while but beth just keeps looking at her and finally says it outright, says i’m here to see you, stella like its the most obvious thing in the world and stella’s so tired, she’s starting to close the door and she’s saying i dont need another lecture, i’ve had enough of those for a lifetime and beth lets her close it, knows her well enough to know she wont walk away from the door before beth does, so she calls through and says im not here to lecture you, stell.  i just.  i wanted to see you

the door opens

and its incredibly uncomfortable for a while, incredibly tense and when beth tries to ask her what’s going on, stella just hisses what, like you care?  and beth like??  normally would fire back with something, normally would let this blow up into a fight but she’s thought about it, she really has, and she knows that any time she can have with stella is better than no time at all.  that she’d rather take stella as she is, thrill seeking and too good for words and hard headed in the extreme, take the risks that come with her than have anything else.  so beth nods.  yeah.  i care.  i care a lot about you stella, and i shouldnt have forced you to make a decision like i did.  but its scary when the girl you love doesnt see the same value in her life that you do and it was terrifying watching you leave every night and not being sure if i would wake up to your face on the news

and stella’s like??  shit.  shIT, didn’t account for this at all.  but beth is very steady, is giving her this even-keeled look, keeping her eyes on stella but not forcing eye contact and she finally stands, gets ready to leave 

and she tells stella i love you.  and believe me when i say that transcends boundaries like platonic and romantic.  i love you, stella danvers, and i will always be here for you, in whatever way you want me to be and then she’s leaving 

and stella has a choice to make, two paths she can take and she stands a little unsteadily and grabs beth’s hand and pulls her back 

and she’s like im still pretty stupid, you’re aware of that, right?  and beth laughs, refutes the statement as she rests her forehead against stella’s.  you’re not stupid, stella, never stupid.  a little dense sometimes...  and stella laughs too before she admits, finally, i love you too, genius.  and i dont think i can keep doing this without you?  and she tries to backpedal, bc she’s worried she’s being manipulative or something but beth just shakes her head, says im going to kiss you now, ok?  and stella’s nodding fast, tears finally starting to fall when it all hits her and then they’re kissing for the first time in six months and theyre maybe still kissing when everyone comes home and maia groans bc like i texted you specifically so i could avoid seeing this ugh you guuuyyysssss

[cloverinblue]

a lot of times i feel bad about giving my mom such a hard time. I keep thinking i should be more understanding. Sometimes I forget why i have frequent animosity towards her. 

And, I think its because over and over again she treats me like a burden and constantly talked up this life she’ll have once me and my sister dont have priorities anymore - that one day we’ll just be independent and that’s it no more parenting forever.

when i ask for help, it drives me nuts when she agressively complains about it or tells me i’m grown up to figure it out and that when she was my age she held like 3 jobs and got no help at all from her mom so i can do the same

she’s always keeps comparing my situation with hers back then and I keep telling her it’s not the same. She thinks I’m a spoiled brat and that I’d happily let her starve to death and that because of this she urgently needs to get her GED so she can get a job. Nothing I say will convince her otherwise. She thinks I’m an awful selfish person at my core and I have to like not internalize each time she implies this or says this outright.

anyway this was all started when i just told her i might go to school thats like a 45-1 hr drive away (2 hrs+ by bus) It sucks but its doable... She automatically thinks I’m gonna want her to pick me up and drop me off. I wasn’t considering this as a possibility and she ended up getting mad and crying about it but I just feel bitter. bitter because she hasnt really supported me and that she’s now angry at me for not being independent enough 

you know who supported me? my grandparents. They flew over from Washington state to see my high school graduation which at the time felt like nothign to me and my mom made it feel even more like nothing for not being there. instead she was chaperoning my sister on a visit to england to see her boyfriend. When i was upset about it she was like it was not a big deal. my sister did indeed need chaperoning but my mom said some really hurtful things still.

My grandparents even sent me a catalog for a local community college in the seattle area and offered to help me with school. I really should have done it. i wouldve gotten to know them better too. they passed away a few years ago

looking into college stuff now i notice that with the grades i had in high school i would have gained automatic admittance to ut in austin if i wanted and that i was eligible for scholarships cause of it but i didnt know at the time because i lacked guidance and the courage to do basic shit. i needed help. 

the past is the past and icant do anything about it which i accept but like i feel a cool bitterness about it and wished my mom was more supportive but she’s too swallowed up by her own bitterness.

also she says i should give up on school  and start finding a better job instead

 you know job land where jobs grow on jobbies

[cloudcreates]

i saw only a few draws of yanya but i want to know more about him :

kicks the door in WELL my friend ur in LUCK bc i have a LOT of shit abt yanya to talk abt

let’s kick it off with his backstory SHALL WE

so ! yanyas a lil kitsune boi raised in a little village in the outskirts of karnosea on famia, we dont have a name for it yet its not important w/e ANYWAY

he was BORN in a bigger town in central karnosea which i also dont have a name for but its also not important, what IS important is that he was a happy lil gremlin for most of his little babby years until he hit about elementary school where all the other kids’ parents started teaching them to be racist towards orcs and kitsunes and lizardfolk n shit! so they started being little shits towards him. which made him not like being in fox shape around them anymore. or in general.

so when his mums, shiranuit, a kitsune barbarian, and resnerina, a half-orc witch, were like “fuck that shit,” they moved away to that much smaller settlement, made up almost Entirely of rarer races like catfolk and wyvaran, and also orcs and ogres and stuff yea

and things were p alright! yanyas mums love him Very Much ok i love them and i love him and they all love each other. shiranuit works as a weaponsmith, and resnerina works as a luthier. so when u mashed their work together, u got yanya, a skald, or Basically a rage bard, who makes all his weapons and instruments, bc he makes his weapons into instruments, and vice versa.

his first weapon in game was a heavy mace that doubled as a guitar! it was crafted from metal ofc but its body was in the shape of a cow skull bc that shit’s metal. on one side was the guitar all strung up, and on the other he’d flip it around and it’s just Covered in spikes for him to beat the shit out of whatever 8)c

he uses his music to express himself. even with cure and mending magic, destroying things and lashing out and being aggressive all the time doesn’t make him feel good, so he’ll usually just turn to screaming out some sick tunes instead. his music’s very important to him.

moving back to early life however! he moved on through school pretty easy. i mean. not Entirely too easily bc the boy’s dumb as a brick so w/e he just. he didnt flunk out at the very least ok Cs get degrees anyway

and when he was abt.. 16, 17, he met ash!  his first..and Only girly friend who’s also a kitsune, and a gunslinger! between the two of them, she’s kind of.. the ‘brains’ but. even then she’s not like, super smart. it’s just.. not hard to be smarter than yanya w/ that sweet 7 WIS and 10 INT score lmfao. she’s plenty clever tho!

around this time yanya and ash didn’t go to school, they travelled around their local part of karnosea causing a little trouble here and there bc well. they’re of chaotic alignment. however! chaotic good alignment, so they really only gave hell to..racists 8) .. bc fuck em

the thing is though, while yanya had two mums that loved him a lot, ash didn’t. she had one mum that sucked a bunch and constantly berated her, and yanya knew, it was partially why they spent so much time just carting around wildly, having fun, bc yanya knew she deserved better!

as a side note, karnosea is neighboring artorias, which is the Big Capital of famia, where Queen Azaroa has opened a bard college! probably the best and most chattered abt all over the world tbh. you can bet yanya’s heard of it by now, being as musically inclined as he is, and has always sort of dreamed of going there.. but shit, he and his fam ain’t making that kind of money, lmfao

but! it just so happens, as rumors say, there’s a new scholarship surfacing, offered specifically to members of more. rare races, such as kitsunes! yanya can’t lie about his interest being piqued..

but the thing was, from 16 going on 18, he was sort of perfectly happy and content just travelling around like a rascal with ash, because they were best friends!! and having fun!! and without yanya, he thought ash would be all alone with her fuckin mean ass mum!! he didn’t want that, and also that bard college is probably overrated anyway, whatever..

ash’s mum isn’t having any of it, wtf ash is happy??  

the second ash and yanya get back home from whatever little bout of travel they were on, ash’s mum goes on a tirade at ash about how she’s dragging yanya down and holding him back, how she’s not good enough for him, etc.. so ash panics, because she knows he isn’t going to leave her unless she makes him never wanna see her again.

so! that same day, ash tells yanya about. how she’s been cheating on him the whole time. laughs in his face. tells him he should’ve expected it, kitsunes are known for being tricksters, liars after all!

he’s heartbroken.. so he leaves for artorias in a shocked daze probably not a full 12 hr later 

and he gets accepted to the college!

ofc being kinda poor and rough around the edges, it’s not without it’s fair share of. snooty ass rich kids being assholes, which is whatever. turns out tho, some of those rich kids are from karnosea! so because yanyas as subtle as an airhorn, rumors about him not being human spread. guess who gets to deal with racist school peers all over again! yaaaay

it’s not totally bleak, though. at college yanya met jonavahn, neyla, pazzoch, and a bunch of the other rare-race scholarship kids and they all form their own little nestled group of friends :’>

soo because yanya’s fuckin shit at like, learning, he like, does kind of piss poor in all the actual study-centric classes lmfao. but! he’s fantastic at the physical side of things–he excels with playing instruments and melee fighting, because it’s less read-a-book-and-study and more muscle memory and physical training and practice, ofc. he just barely graduated bc getting half amazing grades and half shitty grades only balances out to so much, but dAMMIT HE DID IT

so when he graduates, he goes back home for a little bit. im sure while he was at college, he managed to visit his mums back at karnosea for a little bit on breaks, but. just the idea of going back to karnosea, just knowing that. it’s where ash was. it made it a lot harder in practice than it was in theory for him lmfao.

but being back home, getting to see him mums again! it makes him really happy! because his mums love him a lot !!! and love and support him a shit ton!! they’re so proud! look at their son that graduated from the artorian queen’s bard college! holy shit!!

yanya realizes sometimes that he takes his mums for granted.. they’ve always been there to makes him feel like everything’s ok. and they do a damn good job of it! 

 a fun fact! lershe, my old incompetence quest 1 character, is a half-orc monk–by the end of iq1, he became a lycanthrope (this was in dnd 3.5, so monks could still get infected by lycanthropy), and also a lvl 30 minor deity lmfao

lershe was separated from his dad, who was raising him on his own, at a v young age. at the end of iq1, lershe sought him out, found him again, and found out that he’d started a new family with a new wife! and tbh lershe met his mum in iq1 he could not be happier for his dad lmfao. but they have a daughter! so lershe has a little half-sister! and that little half-sister is resnerina!

because lycanthropes and kitsunes share a sort of similar ability in changing shape ya kno yeah, when yanya was a little kid, lershe was still “alive” as a mortal half-orc (lershe put off accepting that he was an immortal deity for a long time) and. was a big inspiration for yanya, naturally. these kids and people were giving him shit for being able to change shape into something that resembled an animal, but his uncle lershe can do it to, and HE’S a god!! so whatever!!

anyway so iq2 started off by all the characters running into each other in a little town in karnosea and some shit abt a cave off the outskirts of town getting ransacked by mercenaries or smth, idr

a little before then our DM said txeru and yanya were going to enter town together, and aria and karrina were going to enter town together, and we could come up w/ whatever reason why they’d end up together so txeru and yanya met first actually, just outside on town in a little tavern where they. probably got into a little scuffle just bc bar fights are fun. who cares. its fine. 

its ironic bc right now, in game, txeru and yanya are fucking pissed at each other! and its great. the drama is clearing my skin. my crops are prospering. 

basically txeru is a kasatha, an alien race not native to famia, and he’s come to famia trying to hide from two .. sort of alien police that’re after him for all the petty crimes he’s done. thing is, these two Very Specific alien cops are after him because. he kinda. was romantically involved with Both of them, one being his partner in crime and the other being of kasathan royalty–when he was backed into a corner and about to get caught he kind of ditched his partner and left the noble out high and dry so they’re both PISSED at him

they recently made their way to famia and found txeru, and after we TURNED TAIL AND RAN THE FUCK OFF from them, txeru explained his story

having his heart fucking shattered by ash, yanya kinda wasn’t super happy to find out txeru was a heart-shattering asshole himself! 

so he DECKED HIM IN THE FACE and hadn’t spoken a kind word to him in like, a week

NOW they’re talking, it’s just. every word they say to each other is some variant of “fuck you” and atm we’re waiting for a boiling point to hit to see if they’ll kiss and make up or if they’re just gonna have to hate each other! 8) im so excited

meanwhile this entire time, we’re level 10 right now. so half way to the capstone level 20. 

yanya still hasn’t formally revealed that he’s a kitsune to anyone in the group. but! as i said. the boy’s subtle as a brick thrown through a window. he’s slipped up enough times in his human disguise for just about everyone in the party to catch just a little something being off about him, but since most of the party is from artorias, away from the rarer races of karnosea, not everyone knows what a kitsune is

BUT we HAVE met a kitsune in game! madame fouxy (blame my dm for that name), but even then she only shifted from an actual fox shape to anthro fox shape, not to human shape. so they’re still unaware that kitsunes can even do that atm, meaning yanya’s ruse is hanging on by a thread lmfao

he’d just come out and say it bc he’s well aware everyone’s probably seen through him by now, but. it’s suppose to be a secret. knowing that everyone knows doesn’t make him wanna tell it, it makes him wanna convince everyone they’re wrong, even though they’re right, and he doesn’t like lying ,and if everyone’s already figured it out already, then he’s not doing a good job at keeping his own damn secrets, which freaks him out, and… etc

yanya’s favorite colors are red and blue, his favorite food is smoked rabbit, he’s 6′2″ flat on his heels in human shape, but he’s wearing stilettos bc he’s use to toe walking in fox-shape, which usually puts him up to about 6′4″, 6′5″..

he’s got a shit ton of muscle, and he eats a lot to keep up his energy! so he has his fair share of fat w a soft belly. he weighs probably anywhere from 250-300 bc im not good w weights lmfao

he has a total of.. 14 piercings, four on each ear, one on each eyebrow, two on his lips, one on his nose, and one on his tongue, almost all of which he got at the bard college lmfaoo

atm at level 10, he has 5 tails! only one spell-like ability from them, however, which is disguise self. 

he knows how to sew!

he has a fear of mirrors and heights.

it’s less a ‘fear’ and more. he doesn’t like looking at himself in the mirror, practically can’t stand it when he’s in human shape. seeing his human face all he can think is “liar, liar, liar” because that’s not his ‘real’ face. seeing his fox face he’s only reminded how much fewer people would rather see him this way. if he has to, he’ll much prefer looking at his fox face, however.

AND I THINK..THAT MAY JUST COVER IT..if it’s not everything it’s Pretty close, and if i come up w anything new ur probably gonna see me draw it at some point LMFAO