#which results in me getting attention and my golden child cousins

[sapphicdancer]

i think my fav relationship is with my grandma who i am in good terms with but bc shes mean to my mom i dont like her but like i guess she doesnt know that and so she still treats me nicely, vs my sister who openly dislikes her and does not interact with her at all (but also i dont think my grandma knows why)

[straightlikewetspaghetti]

Perfection

Pairings: Poppy x MC (Bea Hughes)

Warnings: None

Word count: 1900

Bea Hughes was not a spoiled brat like most of the young people of Belvoire and with the successful completion of her schooling she went straight into police work. Ever since she was a child, she had fought for her own, without any tariffs and faced human envy and selfishness. That's why when she got the job as an officer, she was determined to make this town perfect.

Perfection is a relative term. She knew she couldn't bring Belvoire to that state on her own, but she still hoped that her hard work would bear fruit. She was used to failure, but she did not allow herself to be broken. Just once. God, only once had she bowed to the pressure of her own demons and failed. So shamefully that nothing but a stone mask had graced her face ever since.

Unaccustomed to balls and parties, Bea was faced with a difficult choice: whether to follow society's acceptance and wear a frighteningly beautiful and sweet dress that completely did not suit her, or a simple, elegant suit whose graphite color matched her feelings. With a touch of distrust, she ran her fingers over the delicate material of the dress and held her breath in her chest. The coolness of the material irritated her fingertips, which were warm compared to the silky material, scratching her every now and then with the sewn-on sequins. This was not what she wanted. Not the sweetness and extravagance, but the passion and simplicity the suit would provide.

She had never needed society's approval so much, so with a sigh of relief she reached for the graphite material and nimbly threw it on. With a simple and careful movement, she tied the tie around her neck, which tightened like a noose against her pale rosy skin. Later today, people would hang her with words for this outfit, just as they had done in the past.

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the gun holster that rested lazily on the elegant white bedside table. Taking that object in her hand, a shiver ran through her body, one that she always felt when touching the cool metal of a gun. Pure adrenaline, it was a feeling she so needed, and at the same time, didn't want to have. Tonight was all about perfection.

In front of her house stood a perfectly polished Ford Crown, its black and white hues exuding a sleek look. Tonight, however, because of the required elegance of the show, Bea brought along her beloved Ford Mustang that she inherited from her parents. It was the last thing they had left that would always have an important place in her heart and life. Slipping into the driver's seat, she let out a shaky breath. She was getting closer and closer to disaster. A sea of piranhas that were ready to tear her apart on the spot and, as usual, with stoic, even irritating, calmness, she would let them.

Keep calm. Be perfect.

Entering the monster's liege, she adjusted the tie one last time to make the noose let go, at least for a moment. She knew it was worth trying, even with poor results. Complete failure was never an option.

With uncertain and cautious steps, she glided deeper into the darkness. The smell of cigarettes and expensive alcohol irritated her nostrils and her face bent in an unnatural grimace. And although she herself sometimes did not shy away from alcohol, today it seemed extremely irritating. After all, spoiled brats are allowed everything, which disgusted Bea at the very thought.

After making her way through the dark corridor, a bright light flashed across her eyes, like passing through a magical portal, where a completely different world awaited her on the other side. The smell of alcohol intensified as the ballroom appeared to her eyes, bursting at the seams with an overwhelming amount of people. Most of them complete strangers to her, they were carelessly prancing to the beat of simple, primitive music, feeling none of the dangers of adulthood.

"Bea Hughes!" she heard a drunken yell behind her and let the air out of her lungs loudly.

Zoey Wade, her closest and pretty much the only friend she had spoken to in her school days. The complete opposite of her, a complete lack of perfection. Still, Bea felt a strong attraction to her, a need for adrenaline that her friend's behavior always satisfied. In her younger days an unknowable curiosity, today it is familiar and damned by every possible layer of society.

"Zoey Wade," she replied with an undisguised wince. This girl continued to be a harbinger of trouble. The brunette tilted her head gently to the side to carefully examine the silhouette hiding behind her friend.

A young girl with a radiant smile caught her eye. Her hair glinted like gold every now and then, shimmering in waves of colored lights. Bea thrust her hands into her pockets and shamelessly fed off the sight of this beautiful creature. Low and petite in stature, completely vulnerable and innocent.

Perfect.

"Who is this beauty you brought yourself?", she asked nonchalantly, directing her gaze back to her friend's eyes. Zoey cringed, and her eyes popped wide open. The brunette was taken aback by this reaction and shifted nervously from foot to foot.

"Are you talking about my cousin Poppy?", her friend's eyes flashed in semi-darkness as she corrected her posture after that unfavorable reaction.

Bea's lips tightened into a straight line, and soft wrinkles appeared on her face as she became lost in her thoughts. She thought back to the carefree days when she and Zoey would play in the backyard together, paying no attention to the different level of social classes they came from. It was not easy for a simple girl to play with the mayor's daughter. The black-haired girl adored Bea so much that her parents allowed them to hang out, but they made no secret of their disgust with the lower class, reminding her at every turn that she was beneath them.

Finally, one day the cup overflowed and Bea decided to take revenge for all the mental harm done to her. She took away their perfection. After that incident, she was no longer the same carefree person. She closed herself off and put on a stone mask, becoming a merciless jerk.

"If it was your cousin, I would remember. Believe me", she shrugged her shoulders. Her hungry gaze, once again, returned to the blonde, who was dancing with some boy just as she once had, free of her demons. Her movements innocent, made the blood boil in Bea's veins. She licked her parched lips with the tip of her tongue and struggled to swallow the growing lump in her throat.

"She didn't live near us. She's been in New York most of her life because her parents didn't want a simple life for her," she paused for a moment to wet her tongue in the percent golden liquid. "She's a lawyer."

"And everyone's favorite," Bea's throat went dry as she heard the angelic voice of young Sinclair gracelessly slung over her cousin's shoulder. The strong floral scent of her perfume, beat down the bitter stench of sweat and alcohol. The brunette's chest tightened, unable to rise or fall any further.

Get a grip on yourself.

„We don't know each other yet”, she flashed her an overly sweet smile. „Poppy Min Sinclair, lawyer, cousin to that dolt and future Mrs. Jackson.”

Bea lowered her gaze to the small and delicate hand with perfectly filed and painted nails that was extended toward her. She reciprocated the grip and when her thumb wrapped around the top of the blonde's hand, she froze. Her gaze traveled from her tiny, long fingers to the milky white skin of her exposed arms.

Adrenaline.

She needed it.

No.

She needed her.

And she always got what she wanted.

***

After several hours of constant talking and faking any interest, Bea stopped for a short break at the snack table. The atmosphere was so artificial that, for a brief moment, she even felt like she fit into this environment. As if no one there was judging her. How naive that trajectory of thinking was.

It was time for the worst part of the show: the dancing. She preferred to dance with men, although even this was not without a few indiscreet whispers. Because how is it possible for a woman and a man to dance both in a suit. It was so imperfect. Moments passed and so did the partners. Bea felt tired of listening to the stories of everyone she danced with. The most she could think of right now was to sit in her favorite chair with a glass of scotch. That was her wish until someone tapped her gently on the shoulder.

"Hey stranger, care to dance?", the wide smile on Poppy's face softened her heart, not even allowing her to refuse. As a police officer she stuck to the rules, but for this girl she was able to break them.

She returned the smile and found them a free spot on the dance floor. She felt soft hands wrap around her neck and the girl's forehead fell against her chest. Surprised by this closeness, she uncertainly placed her hands on her slender waist, but without moving closer so that their bodies were at a relatively safe distance.

"You intrigue me", she whispered innocently, swaying lazily to the beat of the music. Bea's throat became dry and before she could get anything out, the girl continued. "You show up here in the middle, trying to sit in the dark, and you look quite unhappy", boldness in her words earned her some respect from the brunette. "You seem to be completely different from everyone else here. Why?", Poppy lifted her head and found Bea's mysteriously gleaming eyes in the semi-darkness.

If the blonde had only known why Bea didn't belong here, she would have fled in terror like everyone else. Poppy was a lawyer, a fiancée, her life must have been so perfect she surely never experienced a blemish on her porcelain skin. Skin whose emanating warmth she could feel with every scrap of her taut body.

"So it seems", she replied indifferently, shoving all incorrect thoughts to the back of her mind. "Is it appropriate for you, the lawyer and future Mrs. Jackson, to maintain such closeness with a stranger?", she changed the subject turning the attention away from herself

She watched carefully as the girl's face changed expression, and only for a moment did she feel the need to close the distance and seal her lips in a kiss.

"I...", Poppy was about to say something, but she stopped at the beginning of her sentence. Any trace of a smile disappeared from her face. "I have to go now.", she said mysteriously, sounding like a completely different person, which drew interest from the brunette. She stood on her toes and innocently brushed her lips against the other girl's cheek, stopping near her ear. "Come tomorrow with my cousin to the wedding dress salon for my fitting. The more the better."

Bea nodded, watching the blonde's silhouette disappear among the rest of the dancing partygoers. Automatically her hand went to the place where Poppy's mouth had been and she sighed heavily.

This couldn't end well.

[boxoftheskyking]

Something Good, Part Twelve

I decided to end the chapter here for the moment because it got kind of long

Also there are only like 3 sets in this piece because we are on a BUDGET so everything happens in the laundry yard. Sorry take it up with the finance department

In which there is a Party (Also self-worth doesn’t come from rich people)

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven

Engagement celebrations are not traditional in Gusu, but they are in Qishan, and the husband’s family are responsible.

“So, basically, His Excellency is demanding the Lan Sect throw him a party,” Wei Wuxian says. “That sounds like Wen Ruohan.”

“Oh, yes, Wei Ying,” Wang Xiaolu teases, flicking water at him from where she’s kneeling on the paving stones. “You know everything about the noble houses! You are so worldly!”

“Aiyah, Lulu!” Wei Wuxian starts chasing after her with his broom.

“Children!” Madam Xiao shouts, wagging a gnarled finger at them.  “You will have plenty of time for nonsense once the celebration has come and gone. I may not know everything about the noble houses, but I will not be the housekeeper that lets dust collect on His Excellency’s hem.”

All of the disciples are practicing a demonstration for the honored guests, so their lessons stretch late into the evening. The little ones seem delighted to be in classes with their older cousins and siblings, taking their roles very seriously even though they’re mainly tasked with holding supplies and staying out of the way.

Wei Wuxian tries to steal time here and there to watch them practice, giving them giant smiles and exuberant applause for every skill performed. Lan Wangji stands next to him, and Wei Wuxian could swear he sees the corner of his mouth twitch. Every time it happens he cheers louder.

But the result of all the cleaning, cooking, and other preparations is that Wei Wuxian barely has any time with the children. He makes sure they’re fed, washed, and in bed by nine, but there’s very little play time. 

He’s hemming some new robes for the Sect Leader—he’s still quite proud of his new sewing skills, so he’d begged Lan Biming for the job—when Lan Wangji stops by the laundry yard.

“Wei Wuxian.”

“Hey, Master Lan! Check out these stitches. Have you seen anything straighter?”

Lan Wangji actually comes over to crouch next to Wei Wuxian where he’s spread out on the ground, carefully lifting the fabric and looking intently at the fresh hem.

“It is very fine work.”

“Thank you!”

Lan Wangji stays crouched next to him for a moment, saying nothing. Wei Wuxian carefully ties off his thread and folds up the robes before turning to him.

“Well?”

“Well?”

“Are you just visiting the laundry yard to get away from the preparations? I imagine Lan Qiren is as demanding as ever.”

“Uncle is— This is the first major event held at the Cloud Recesses since the ambush. The first under Lan Xichen’s leadership. Everyone is taking it very seriously.”

Wei Wuxian salutes him, the effect somewhat ruined by the way his trousers are riding up on his legs, his knobby knees sticking out.

“I wonder, if you have time, if you could take the junior disciples to the back hill for a while this afternoon.”

“To see the bunnies? Of course! Are they finished with rehearsal?”

“Uncle would like to continue working with everyone, but I think it would be best if the younger ones departed for a short while.”

“They need a break, huh?”

Lan Wangji nods.

“I’d be delighted! Just let me get these robes to Master Lin and I’ll be over.”

Lan Wangji is, as usual, correct. As soon as they leave the main compound, half of the kids go absolutely wild, running and screaming and rolling down the hill.

“Hey, watch it! You’re not wearing your play clothes today, and the Grandmaster will have all the hair off my head if you get grass stains on your nice robes!”

Lan Ting flops down into the grass. “Wei-qianbei, will you please cover me with rabbits? I am so tired and my brain is so confused, I just need to be covered with rabbits.”

Wei Wuxian laughs and straightens the boy’s robes over his legs. “Feifei, Yixian, come help me catch some rabbits to bury your cousin.”

He sits down in the midst of them all and lets himself enjoy the shift in energy. He likes the other servants quite a bit, and they like him more than they used to, but it’s nothing like being in this crowd of wild, chubby-cheeked troublemakers.

Lan Jingyi comes up behind him and leans against his shoulder. “I miss you, Wei-qianbei,” he says and he tucks his arms around Wei Wuxian’s neck.

“Ah, Jingyi, I still see you every day.”

“But not all of the day.”

“No, because I have work to do. Don’t you want to be proud of the Cloud Recesses when all the other clans come to visit? It must be sparkling clean! It should be as shining in the sun as if a fresh layer of snow has fallen over the whole mountain!”

“But you’re my Wei-qianbei, and I need you to play with me.” 

Wei Wuxian hauls him over into his lap. “How about a nice cuddle now instead?”

“Okay. Can you cuddle me and I cuddle a rabbit?”

“Yes, of course.”

All in all, it’s the nicest day he’s had all week.

The day before the other sects are to arrive, Lan Wangji comes back to find him in the laundry yard where he’s wolfing down dinner, grateful for ten minutes of quiet. It’s going to rain, which makes him rather resent the time he’d spent mopping down the entry stairs. Half of his hair is falling out of his topknot and whipping around his face, getting into his bowl, striping chilli oil across his cheek.

It seems unreal that the day is almost upon them. He has been carefully not thinking about what will happen when the sects begin arriving, trying to keep his thoughts blank and focus on cleaning this stone, chopping this turnip, carrying this child. Nothing beyond.

“Wei Wuxian.”

“There’s no one else here,” he says, with his mouth full.

“Wei Ying.”

“Lan Zhan.”

Surprisingly, Lan Wangji comes over and sits next to him on the bench. He’s warm, noticeably so in the chill. On a normal day, he thinks that would hold his attention; he’d be hyper aware of the solidness of Lan Wangji’s shoulder, how he warms Wei Wuxian’s arm down to the elbow. But today his mind is empty, wind whistling through.

“Wei Ying. Tomorrow the sects arrive. It will not be the largest gathering, but all of the leaders will attend. That means Wen Ruohan. And also Jiang Wanyin.”

Wei Wuxian shoves in another mouthful, nodding.

“Are you—” Lan Wangji sighs, frustrated. Wei Wuxian chews and lets him think.

“Is there an assignment,” Lan Wangji says, slowly, “that would make the next few days easier for you?”

Wei Wuxian swallows, wipes his mouth. “How do you mean?”

Lan Wangji glares, slightly. “It will be best for everyone if you are out of the way of Wen Ruohan, to avoid any unnecessary disruption. But if you’d like to see Jiang Wanyin, you could—I don’t know—tidy the guest rooms where he is staying.”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“If I want to see him. If I can see him.” Wei Wuxian puts down his bowl. “Is— Do you know if my sister . . .”

“I don’t. I haven’t heard who is attending.”

Wei Wuxian nods, looks up at the sky. It starts to rain, spitting down on him.

“I will instruct Lin Biming to assign you wherever is easiest,” Lan Wangji says.

“Probably best if I keep out of the way, don’t you think?” Wei Wuxian closes his eyes against the rain. When he opens them, Lan Wangji is gone.

---

He ends up on dish duty, which is fine. He’s only crossed paths with visiting servants so far, and most of them don’t give him a second glance. 

He’s clearing the tea service from a private meeting room when he sees Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian is inside, and his brother walks by the open door. He’s in his customary purple, but with a golden sash which seems to pay homage to Lanling Jin. Wei Wuxian sets his tray down silently and moves to the door, watching him as he turns into another pavilion.

He seems thinner than Wei Wuxian remembers, his jaw possibly sharper. My, Jiang Cheng, is Shijie not feeding you?

When he’s out of sight, Wei Wuxian sinks down onto his heels, leaning against the wall with his arms wrapped around his knees. I thought I’d feel it, he thinks to himself, trying to drown out the buzzing in his ears. Shouldn’t I be able to feel it when he’s near? Shouldn’t he feel me?

But he doesn’t rise, chase after him, call his name. He breathes until his hands quit shaking, then he gathers up the tea tray and goes back to the kitchens.

He manages to stay safely out of the way for the first two days, but on the third he decides to risk discovery to watch the children perform their demonstration. He sneaks in the back of the crowd, head tucked down and hands occupied with the small kettle of tea that is his excuse for being there in the first place. He can’t quite relax without being in danger of burning himself, but it’s helpful to remain alert.

Wen Qing is seated near Wen Ruohan, shimmering gold headpiece and even more intricately embroidered robes than usual. Jiang Cheng is at the side of the room farthest away from the door, seated with Jin Zixuan and Jin Guangshan. Jin Guangshan leans over and says something to him, and a polite smile flashes across his face. It looks unnatural. Wei Wuxian shifts so that he’s blocked by another servant. Yanli is not there.

Wen Qing looks around as the disciples enter and catches his eye. She’s made up in a way he’s never seen before, looking more like a delicate flower than the solid oak he knows her to be. She gives him a little smile before turning back to watch the children.

Wei Wuxian doesn’t honestly pay a lot of attention to the demonstration. It’s not that it hurts, he tells himself, to watch young people reveling in their spiritual power, tossing it around like it’s nothing, like it’s never-ending. It’s just that he’d rather watch his children, see who stands properly still, who’s fidgeting, who misses their cue and has to scramble across the stage. Normally he’d cheer and whoop and shout out each name, but he just claps politely and grins at the ones who spot him.

After the demonstration, it’s time to serve more tea. He tries to be clever and serve some low ranking member of a minor sect who may not recognize him, but he gets turned around in the shuffle and ends up standing beside Wen Chao. After the first pour he doesn’t look up, but Wei Wuxian feels himself begin to sweat, like an animal stuck inside a trap in the moment before the net pulls tight. They’ll need to pour at least three more cups to cover all of the toasts.

The first toast, proposed by Wen Ruohan, is dedicated to the hosts in Gusu Lan. The second—Wei Wuxian’s hands only shake a bit as he pours—goes to the happy couple, Lan Wangji and Wen Qing. Lan Wangji has taken his place with the other members of his sect following the demonstration, so all eyes scan across the room between him and Wen Qing. Wei Wuxian braces himself, but their gazes just slide over him.

For the next toast, Jin Guangshan speaks up.

“Honored sects, it is Lanling Jin’s great happiness to announce the engagement of my son and heir, Jin Zixuan, and the sister of our loyal ally, Jiang Wanyin. The wedding will take place in one year, and will bind Lanling Jin and Yunmeng Jiang together in the bonds of family.”

He nods to Jiang Cheng, who straightens. “Yunmeng Jiang is honored to join with Lanling Jin, and my sister is blessed with a fine husband-to-be.” He looks around, awkwardly, then finishes with “We are very happy.” He even smiles.

The handle of the kettle creaks in Wei Wuxian’s grip. How dare he, he thinks. They won’t even say her name, like she’s just an object, or an animal changing ownership. Like she’s a treaty to be signed.

He pours the last cup, and his hands shake, sloshing tea over the side.

“Aiyah, you fool!” Wen Chao yells. He yanks back his sleeve and glares up at him. So does everyone else.

Wei Wuxian freezes and stares down at the ground, hoping they just see the grey uniform and topknot, no one worth noticing.

“Wei Wuxian,” Wen Chao says at top volume, anger transforming into delight in an instant. “Of course it would be you. Look, this demon tried to burn me.”

The room explodes into noise, murmurs and scoffs and whispers and even a few bursts of laughter. Wei Wuxian can’t help himself, he looks up directly at Jiang Cheng. His brother’s eyes are fiery, jaw clenched and hand on the hilt of his sword. For a moment the rest of the room fades away and Wei Wuxian almost speaks, almost says his name. Jiang Cheng looks away.

Wei Wuxian feels an insistent hand on his elbow and lets himself be tugged backward.

“Come on, Wei Ying,” Lin Biming says in his ear. “Give the kettle to Xiaolu and go.”

The kettle is gone—he doesn’t notice it happening, just the sudden absence of weight, and then suddenly he is outside under grey sky with his hands pressed hard against his middle. He doesn’t realize he’s not alone until he feels hands on his shoulders.

“That’s it, breathe. You’re all right, boy, just breathe.” Lin Biming tugs him gently down the walkway until the uproar from inside fades into nothing more than rising and falling tones.

“Sorry,” Wei Wuxian forces out, all air.

“No, don’t worry. It’s all right.”

“I just wanted to see . . . I wanted to . . .”

“I know, it’s all right. I should have protected you.”

Wei Wuxian looks up, startled. Lin Biming’s red face is all concern, and though his features aren’t the same, he looks so much like Uncle Jiang it’s difficult not to lean in and rest his cheek against the man’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to—”

“That’s my job, to protect you all.”

Wei Wuxian gives in and hugs him, earning a small grunt of surprise. It’s like hugging a tree trunk, but eventually he feels a gentle pat in the center of his back. Despite everything, it does actually make him feel better.

Lin Biming leaves, flustered, and Wei Wuxian wanders somewhat aimlessly back to the kitchen. He feels naked, like he’s been stripped in the middle of Caiyi Town, left standing on his own with nothing between him and the wind.

Time passes, somehow. People move around him, shifting him gently into a corner so they can clean the dishes, start preparing dinner. A few folks pat his cheek, tuck a strand of hair behind his ear, squeeze his shoulder. Part of him—most of him—feels it like embers inside him, like something that will become a warm and comforting fire when he can pull the lid off and expose it to air. 

Dinner is served without him. He stays in the laundry yard, grateful to find a torn bedsheet on the line that’s been left for later. He stitches as the sun goes down, slow, deliberate, each stitch exact in length and straightness. It’s almost becoming hard to see when Wen Qing finds him.

“Jiang Wanyin asked me if I knew where you were,” she says, evenly.

Wei Wuxian tucks the needle into the fabric and joins her where she’s leaning against the stone wall.

“To make sure I stay out of sight, I suppose. Out of trouble.”

“He wants to see you.”

“What are you doing, talking to strange men at your own engagement party? Have some shame, Lady Wen.”

“Wei Ying.”

He turns and rests his forehead on her shoulder. “I can’t. I can’t see him. I can’t.”

“How long has it been?”

“He was at the trial. I can’t face him after that. You don’t know what it’s like, watching him just sit there—”

“Watching the people who are supposed to be my family sit in silence while Wen Ruohan decides my future for me, separates me from my brother and everyone I know to fill a role I never wanted and don’t belong in? Clearly I have no idea what that is like.”

Wei Wuxian groans. “I know. I know. I just can’t. The way he sat there and talked about Shijie, like she’s nothing. I expect it from Wen Ruohan, not from Jiang Cheng. Before— When we were together he hated Jin Zixuan as much as I did. Now, he announces their engagement and he smiles? Truly, anyone can be bought.” 

“He does what he has to do.”

“So do you, but you don’t smile about it.”

Wen Qing shoves him off her shoulder. “I’m clearly not performing as well as I thought. Wei Ying, you have to understand. Wanyin and Yanli had nothing when the Jins took them in. Jiang Wanyin approves of Jin Zixuan because he protects her.”

“He doesn’t protect her. Jin Guangshan and his money protect her.”

“He protects her from Jin Guangshan.”

It takes a moment to hit him, then he hits the wall. He doesn’t notice he’s done it until the skin on his knuckle splits.

“Fuck!” he punches again, smearing a line of blood across the stone. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” As he strikes again and again, a thin stream of black smoke emerges from between his fingers.

Wen Qing grabs his arms. “Stop it!”

“Fuck!” he shouts again, fighting her. But he’s not strong enough; he couldn’t overpower her if he wanted to. Not without Chenqing, not without summoning more than he can handle. “Fucking useless,” he breathes, dropping his forehead against the wall, hard.

“It’s all right. She’s under Jin Zixuan’s protection, no one will touch her.”

He whirls on her. “What about those that aren’t? Would I be protected in Lanling? Someone like me?”

“You’re not really Jin Guangshan’s taste.”

“Wen Qing.”

“There’s nothing to be done. Someday Jin Zixuan will take over and things will be better.”

“That’s not good enough. I hate this. I hate this. I didn’t know it would be like this. I never thought the power mattered, but to just sit and watch— ”

“I know.”

“You don’t.”

“Wei Ying, what’s my fucking name? Of course I know what it’s like to be powerless, to sit and watch. But we don’t sacrifice ourselves if there’s no chance of success. We don’t waste our lives on battles we can’t win.”

“Fuck.”

“Calm down, all right? Sit down, come on.”

Wei Wuxian leans against her side and breathes, eyes closed. Lifts one hand on an inhale, breathes out, pushing away. I am glad for . . . I am grateful for . . . I have . . . I . . .

It takes a few minutes, but his heart rate slows, the red recedes from the corners of his vision. His hands are clear, no black smoke.

“It’s not fair.”

“I know.”

“She shouldn’t have to marry him just for that. That shouldn’t be enough.”

“Everyone pays for protection, Wei Ying. Even you.”

“You mean serving the Lans? That’s not payment.”

“Not people. Are you saying there wasn’t a cost? For feeling powerful again, feeling whole?”

Wei Wuxian nods. “It never felt whole. It just wasn’t empty.”

Wen Qing pulls a jar of salve and roll of bandages out of her bag and starts treating his hand.

“Even in your engagement robes, you’re always ready.”

“Wen Ruohan can make me what he wants on the outside, he has no power over anything else.”

Wei Wuxian grins at her, then hisses at the sting. “Ah, Wen Qing, it may not be your first choice, but I am so glad you are here. And that if you have to marry someone you don’t want to, it’s someone in Cloud Recesses.”

Wen Qing ties off the bandage but keeps a hold of his hand. “It could be worse.”

Wei Wuxian gasps in mock indignation. “You’re marrying Lan Wangji, and that’s the best you’ve got? It could be worse?”

Wen Qing rolls her eyes, but stays with him and watches the shadows lengthen. 

“I need to go back,” she says finally, rising and brushing off her robes. “Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen will be playing music tonight. You’ll be able to hear from outside. It may do you some good.”

“I do miss music,” he says, walking her to the entryway. “I really could play. Remember? Those weeks we were together, you’d work and I would play?”

“You’ll play again.” She gives him half a smile and leaves. 

He goes back to his torn sheet, folding it neatly until he begins to hear a guqin—faint, but pure, calling him out of the yard, pulling him along like a tide.

Part Thirteen

[medea10]

My Review of Pokemon Sun & Moon

Hi all. Sorry for the delay on this one. I usually go all-out on my Pokemon reviews that I wanted to let out everything I wanted to. Plus I had real-life work and other stuff. With that said, here’s my final review of 2019 as well as the final review of the decade. See you in 2020!

As Ash mentioned at the end of XY, Ash said he was going back home to Pallet Town and “start at zero”. This means when he decides to go on his journey, he leaves all of his other pokemon at Oak’s lab and goes on a new journey with Pikachu. But unlike the start of other journeys, this one started with Ash’s mom, Delia and her pokemon Mimie winning a contest which resulted in a trip to the Alola region. And since they were heading that way, Professor Oak asks them to bring a pokemon egg to his cousin in Alola. So let’s begin with Ash’s adventure in the Alola region.

The Alola region is split into four different islands. Each of these islands contains trial captains, island challenges, pokemon of different forms, and pokemon guardians! But unlike the game, Ash ends up in the Alola region to go to school. That’s right, after being the envy of every child for the last 20 years, Ash must go to school. In this school, Ash will learn all he needs to when it comes to living in the Alola region. Along with new friends, a helpful professor, a Rotom Pokedex, an enthusiastic Oak that does impressions, and a special bracelet capable of unleashing powerful Z-moves, Ash’s journey is getting very interesting.

MEET THE CHARACTERS: This seriously has got to be the biggest ensemble for Ash’s posse. Each character has their own unique charm and their own speciality when it comes to their pokemon type preference (and their hairstyle will say so too). At the beginning, I was just okay on some of these characters, but I have definitely enjoyed watching them evolve. Here are all of Ash’s new classmates, professor, Pokedex and a brand-new Oak.

Mallow is a very cheerful girl with the love of grass-types and cooking specialty dishes for friends and pokemon. While some of her dishes can be a little surprising, even shocking, she has a knack for using only the freshest ingredients, mostly coming from wild pokemon.

Lana has a passion for the water and yes, even water-type pokemon. She’s quite soft spoken and spends a lot of her days fishing. She may even look into becoming a fisher like her father. But she does have an edge that makes her and her Popplio tough to beat. Not to mention, quite the sense of humor! She also takes care of her two younger sisters Sarah and Harper.

Kiawe is very handy in a battle with his fire-type pals. Unlike the other students in the class, he’s been given a Z-ring first as he has attempted the Island Challenge. Because of this, he’s rather high-strong about those who own a Z-ring. His days start early in the morning with delivering MooMoo Milk, then he goes to class, then comes home to take care of the farm pokemon, and let’s not forget all that training with Charizard and Turtenator!

Sophocles is what you’d call a computer nerd (yeah, we have another one). He’s able to handle any electrical error that comes his way with the help of either Togedamaru or Charjabug. The only thing he’s unable to challenge is sleeping in the dark!

Lillie is the mysterious girl with no pokemon (at first) and seems to get scared by them real easily. However, she knows quite a bit about pokemon without having physical contact with them. Luckily, Lillie lets her guard down later in the series when she gets the opportunity to take care of an egg. And when it hatched, she kept it. Other pokemon, it still takes her a while to open up to them, but when she does open up, it’s adorable!

Professor Six-Pack is too hot (hot damn)! Call the police and the fireman!

FINE, I’LL DO THE RIGHT THING!

Professor Kukui is the teacher to these fine pupils and has even allowed Ash to stay with him while Ash attends school. He seems a little laid back at first glance, but he does take special care into each and every lesson he gives his students.

Rotomdex is the talking Pokedex for Ash. Unlike all the other Pokedexes up to this point, this one can actually carry on a conversation with Ash. Not just that, but come up with strategies, watch detective shows on TV, and even write screenplays. It’s amazing how so much can come from a fushion between a Rotom and a regular pokedex!

Principal Oak…Okay, no, I can’t do that! Over 10 years ago, I wrote a fan fic called Romance 101. And I spent a good five years writing the words “Principal Oak” because that’s what I called Samuel Oak. This Principal Oak is just giving me vivid flashbacks.

…fine Principal SAMSON Oak is of course the principal to the Pokemon School. This Oak is a much tanner, buffer, and at times sillier man when you compare him to the original Professor Oak. He really loves doing pokemon impressions. And much like Professor Oak’s poems, Samson Oak’s jokes goes over a lot of people’s heads.

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: With the exception of Kiawe, Rotomdex, and Samson Oak’s voice actors, this is literally a brand new experience for most of these new characters. And I gotta say, I hope these voice actors get more attention. I know Reina Ueda (Mallow) has been getting a lot more roles in the last three years and I love that. The Pokemon anime has had quite a history of either getting very prominent voice actors or voice actors who aren’t known for much else. But I do hope for more exposure for Lana, Sophocles, and Professor Kukui’s seiyuus. Extra points for having Nobuhiko Okamoto play Gladion!

I’ll mention more later in the review but due to the death of a very, very, VERY prominent voice actor, there was a major change. With the passing of Unshou Ishizuka, there were three important characters that had to be changed; Professor Oak, Samson Oak, and the Narrator. I started noticing the lack of these three (yes, even the narrator) in episodes prior to Ishizuka’s death. If we go several episodes without one of the Oak’s, it’s not a big deal. But the fact that the narrator wasn’t heard before the start of the show or at the end for several episodes at a time, it felt very weird. But after hearing about how Unshou Ishizuka died of Esophageal cancer, I can’t help but think he was doing treatments during the Aether Foundation arc. His replacement, Kenyu Horiuchi is not bad. But after listening to Ishizuka since…well at least two decades, it’s very noticeable.

The dub once again is putting hope in brand new voice actors and even a few veterans from the XY series. And so far, this is very promising since they casted Alsyon Leigh Rosenfield. However, one prominent voice actor who has been around for a LONG time has retired. Kayzie Rodgers, the replacement voice of Max and Wobbuffet (and long-time voice to Mr. Mime and Professor Ivy) has retired at the beginning of SM (2016). I can honestly say, I will miss hearing her voice. Out of all the dub changes, you were one of a few I accepted. That and I will always remember you as Professor Ivy and Mimie! With that said, here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

JAPANESE CAST: *Lana is played by Hitomi Kikuchi

*Mallow is played by Reina Ueda (known for Kisa on Fruits Basket 2019, Shiori on Sakura Quest, Jiro on Tokyo Ghoul, and Katra Paige on Inazuma Eleven GO: Galaxy)

*Kiawe is played by Kaito Ishikawa (known for Genos on One Punch Man, Naofumi in Shield Hero, Sakakibara on Assassination Classroom, Kaito on Tsurune, Mitsuo on Golden Time, and Urie on Tokyo Ghoul :re)

*Sophocles is played by Fumiko Takekuma

*Lillie is played by Kei Shindou (known for Carissa on Index III and Shijimi on Rosario to Vampire)

*Professor Kukui is played by Keiichi Nakagawa (known for Salamander on Beelzebub)

*Rotomdex is played by Daisuke Namikawa (known for Rock on Black Lagoon, Jellal on Fairy Tail, Italy on Hetalia, Kazehaya on Kimi ni Todoke, Fai on Tsubasa Chronicle, Yuu on Persona 4, and Arima on Tokyo Ghoul)

*Narrator & Samson/Samuel Oak (ep1-93) is played by Unshou Ishizuka (known for Mr. Satan on DBZ Kai, Jet on Cowboy Bebop, Hohenheim on FMA: Brotherhood, Dr. Gel on Space Dandy, and Grandpa Joestar on Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Pt 3) [R.I.P.]

* Narrator & Samson/Samuel Oak (ep93-present) is played by Kenyuu Horiuchi (known for Pain on Naruto, Mako’s father on Kill la Kill, Sasaki on Bakuman, Hachiken’s father on Silver Spoon, and Takafumi on Sekaiichi Hatsukoi)

ENGLISH CAST: *Lana is played by Rosie Reyes

*Mallow is played by Rebecca Soler (known for Hart on YGO Zexal)

*Kiawe is played by Marc Swint

*Sophocles is played by Alyson Leigh Rosenfield (known for Rio on YGO Zexal, Aina on Promare, and Ally on YGO Arc-V)

*Lillie is played by Laurie Hymes (known for Prana on YGO: Dark Side of Dimensions)

*Professor Kukui is played by Abe Goldfarb

*Rotomdex is played by Roger Callagy

*Samson Oak is played by Marc Thompson (known for Chaz on YGO GX, Astral on YGO Zexal, and Kevin/Mr. O’Neill/Mr. Demartino on Daria)

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Pokemon…why do you keep doing this to me? Do you want me to lose what little faith I hold onto?

With that said, this season has given me a “best girl”. Yes, the term “best girl” is given to the…well, you know, the best girl of the series. And ever since the creators decided to shake things up by giving Ash a new female companion every couple of years, fans have fought to the death on who is best girl of Pokemon. For me, my best girls of Pokemon were Prima, Zoey, Blue/Leaf Green, and Bonnie. But there are just a few problems there. None of them are Ash’s piece of arm candy! And there’s some unwritten law that it has to be the possible love interest like Misty, Dawn, or Blushy McIdiot. And my best girls have either been in only one episode of the anime, was just a rival to someone who isn’t Ash, a girl who was never in the anime, and too young. BUT…Sun and Moon did it! It friggin’ did it! It gave me a best girl! And that girl is…

LANAAAAAAAA!

I never tire of that Archer joke! But yes, Lana is best girl.

I knew I was going to like her when she first debuted, but I had no idea how awesome she was going to truly be. Is it her prankish nature? Maybe! Is it this creepy yandere vibe I get off from her every now and then? Possibly! Is it the way I’ve seen her grow as a trainer throughout this series. You fucking bet! Lana at one point seemed like the one character who wasn’t getting much growth when it came to catching and evolving pokemon. Then again, everyone (including Ash) gave me that impression compared to other arcs. But then she caught the shaggy Eevee! Serious wild card! No one expected Lana to catch Eevee. And then there’s Popplio. She and Popplio trained like crazy later in the series and it shows when it evolved into Brionne and eventually into Primarina. ESPECIALLY WHEN PRIMARINA EVOLVED! Did you see Lana and Brionne going toe-to-toe with that Kyogre? That was epically awesome!

Plus, she was like the only female in God-knows how long to reach the top 8 in the Pokemon League.

DISLIKED CHARACTER: My tolerance has taken a slight dip because there are three people I feel should be up here!

First, I would like to put up Cross from the 20th movie, I Choose You. I know that he isn’t in the actual SM series, but I’m putting him up here because I just downright hate him. He is on Damien levels of shit. That’s how much I hate the son of a bitch. He could cure cancer, kick Donald Trump in the crotch, and bring peace in the Middle East and I would still hate him. Cross was like a very bad combination of Damien and Paul. Abandons a pokemon the same way as Damien and shows this power assholeness that Paul has. But add to that, a bit of a cruel edge to him and sprinkle a bit of whiny little bitch on that. He has to hold a grudge against Ash in this movie because he was blessed with Ho-oh’s feather, but when he saw Ho-oh, he got nothing. Oh boo-freakin-hoo! Cry me a river!

Next…Faba! You fucking testicle! Heads up, I like calling Faba a testicle! When I first saw him, I thought that Lusamine was gonna be the one to hate because of the game setup. But this anime just proves how much Lusamine loves both of her children. The same can’t be said about Faba! At first, I thought Faba would be like Colress in a way…creepy how they almost look and act the same. But then his true side started to show. Oh, this guy wants them Ultra Beasts. And will not let anyone get in his way. Not little children, not birds suffering from Insomnia, not Team Rocket, not even his boss’s child! This greedy sonuvabitch is literally the reason why Lillie was afraid of pokemon and re-triggered it AGAIN thanks to UB Nihilgo. Yeah, fuck you Testicle!

Now after that incident, Testicle was demoted and serves under Wicke and Clefable (which is literally the best thing I could ever ask for). And in most scenarios where he’s shown, Faba was silly with his fanboy obsession with the Masked Royal or his stupid experiment shrinks the kids. So other than him being a dumbass nothing too damning! That was until the Pokemon League where he decided to play dirty by having his Hypno bring out Ash’s Meltan instead of going up against Pikachu. I’m glad he got beat within less than 2 minutes because this testicle needs to shrivel up now.

Who else?

Viren! I can’t help but think he’s this anime’s answer to Donald Trump. But I hate both of them so that’s a start! I could let things slide with him just being there for one episode where he’s trying to buy out Kiawe’s family’s farm and be done with it. BUT NO! This sonuvabitch has gotta wear out his welcome by showing up another three or four times doing that same shit! And even his very first episode where he uses illegal tactics to get Rango and Sima’s farm was warrant enough to hate this fucker. I just thought he would just be a one-and-done character much like the Mayor of Trovitopolis (OI episode). Aggrivating to say, this dickhead came back numerous times to do more shady-ass shit. And I hope to Arceus I never see him again!

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: Kiawe and Lana’s mothers are total milfs.

DON’T ACT LIKE I’M THE ONLY ONE HERE! Kiawe’s mama, hell yeah total milf! Lana’s mother, I ended up having a lesbian dream about her and she became a milf.

Hey, usually I’m straighter than a honeymoon dick. But sometimes I peak over and can easily say that Sima and Lana’s mother are Mothers I Like to Fantasize about. Again, in the words of Forky, “I’m Trash”!

SHIPPING: Okay…let’s have some fun with this one. This is less vomit inducing than XY. Just keep that bitch in Hoenn for as long as it takes. I don’t want to see her for a long time.

Ash x Lillie: I honestly think this is rather cute. Ash is one of the very few who’s been able to help Lillie with her poke-phobia. Though this ship isn’t heavily pushed on us like a certain OTHER ship that just won’t DIE. I swear Amour is like the herpes. I really can’t say there’s much romance here. Although her goodbye to Ash was just honest-to-God cute! Now if there was one Ash ship that caused some sort of blushing, it would have to go to…

Ash x Lana: Whenever she could, Lana would drag Ash along with her. Whether it’s looking for a missing pokemon or on the hunt for a legendary pokemon in the water, she would take Ash by the arm and take him by force. However, none of this was romantically motivated. The only thing worth mentioning was her tsundere way of blushing and brushing off romance when her sisters pester if Ash is her boyfriend.

Mallow x Lillie: This was my OTP to be perfectly honest. While Ash was the actual first person to nudge Lillie to help her with pokemon, Mallow was like the best friend of Lillie’s. She would always show concern for her. I know this is more big sister syndrome, but I’ll still ship it. I never thought anything would happen until the episode where the class puts on a play and I see Mallow and Lillie dressed like Utena and Anthy from Revolutionary Girl Utena. To which I said, “HOLY SHIT, THIS IS AWESOME-BALLS”! Pokemon, are you trying to tell us something with this? You trying to tell us something with this clear and direct reference to one of anime’s famous Yuri couples?

Kukui x Burnet: THIS SHIP HAS SAILED! I’m actually surprised how fast this ship was. I know they’re married in all four games, but in the anime it seemed like they didn’t know each other that well prior to Burnet’s first appearance. And anime wise, they only spent 11 episodes with each other. And on the 11th episode not only did Kukui propose to Burnet with a ring, but they freakin’ got married! I guess there are such things as love at first sight. Kukui wanted it and put a ring on it. There’s a real man, yo! Now, he does lose some points here as he does lead that double life as the Masked Royal where he keeps it a secret from everyone, including his fangirl of a wife. But once she knew, she let him off the hook. And you know how much this ship is cemented? Watch the last 30 seconds of the final episode! It’ll blow your socks off!

On a side note, the way Kukui proposed to Burnet…BEST FUCKING PROPOSAL!

Nurse Joy x Officer Jenny: Amazing, it has taken over 20 years for anyone to think this is even humanly possible. But in Alola, there’s a Nurse Joy and an Officer Jenny that are constantly together. Maybe it’s because I hang out on Tumblr a little too much that it gets implied a lot, but I can’t help but have a guilty pleasure for this.

Pokeshipping: AAAAAAH! Yeah, Medea has to bring this old war back. Okay, okay, I won’t be long here. Just to let you know that I’m a fan of this ship, especially back in the day. As for Sun & Moon, at least we don’t see that classic tsundere syndrome Misty is known for. But she still cutefully teases Ash about several things from the past including the broken bike and their past gym battle. To add to this, Misty (and to lesser extent Brock) were the only ones from Ash’s past companions to see him this region...much to my dismay!

Brock x Olivia: Holy crap! Did Brock seriously get lucky? Is this it? Is this the woman to finally fulfill this pervy breeder/doctor? To me, it just feels like just another day in the life of Brock’s love life. However he has done his research of Olivia that makes me think he’s dead serious about her…I just think it’s a creative way to say he’s in the early stages of stalking. But nothing else came from it after Brock (literally) proposed marriage to her and joined in doing a Z-move with her. Then again, Brock does get a lucky break with at least one lady in each region. Sadly, that’ll probably be the end of that much like Professor Ivy, Pike Queen Lucy, Holly, and Autumn.

Ash x Gladion: Guilty pleasure…is it wrong that I want these two to dress up like Yuri and Yurio from Yuri on Ice. No, didn’t think so! Not sorry for that image!

ANIMATION: I’m sorry, I can’t stay quiet about this like most of the other fans of the show. What the hell were they thinking? This is not supposed to be One Piece. This is not supposed to that Rock Lee spin-off. This is Pokemon. Poke-fucking-mon! Ash went backwards on the evolutionary chart. And people have nerve to go off on the BW series for giving him wider pupils and a mediocre outfit. You people owe the animators for BW a fucking apology for one! Ash’s design now looks like he’s cosplaying to be Monkey D. Luffy’s retarded cousin. Even my own mother, who watches one episode once every couple of months commented to say Ash looks stupid. Thank you!

SADDEST MOMENT: It’s been a good while since I’ve had a Pokemon episode touch me to a point of almost crying. Close, but the Misty/Togetic goodbye still has it beat (which was then beaten by an episode of Violet Evergarden…Dammit 2019!). And even then, the touching moments in Pokemon would be because someone of the main cast released their pokemon like Ash releasing Charizard, Jessie releasing Dustox, and OH MY GOD, NO! ENOUGH WITH THE SAD TOGETIC SCENE! But that was just it, at least no one died!

…Until now! That’s right, deaths were usually only a movie thing as we saw in the fifth movie with Latios. But in the last three years, Pokemon got a little dark in both the anime and the movie trilogies. The 20th movie we saw a Luxray freeze to death, the 21st movie we saw a Snubbull burn to death, and because the 22nd movie is a rehash of the very first movie, we’re going to relive Ash dying.

The SM anime did a few things we haven’t seen in the Pokemon anime before. In the early episodes of SM, we were introduced to Litten and watched a very sad episode dealing with death. Before Litten joined Ash, it lived on the streets with a very old Stoutland. Now think of every sad animal movie you’ve ever seen and you’ll have your answer of what happens to Stoutland by the end of the episode. They don’t show Stoutland’s death on screen, but we know. This episode was very clever at tackling the death topic on a kid’s anime. And up to this point I thought this episode was going to take the cake in the sad department. Boy was I wrong!

The 108th episode of SM gave us one hell of a tear-jerker and it almost got me. It almost got me! We learn in this episode that Mallow had a mother. And this is a first because no one in any of the main cast talked about a dead parent before this episode! We learn about Mallow’s mother being sick a lot and it caused a rift between the two. Especially when Mallow snaps at her mother because all she does is apologize for not being there. Unfortunately that exchange was the last time she ever spoke to her. Where does the sad part get heavy? Here!

While everyone was on Poni Island, we hear about how Tapu Fini is able to communicate with the dead. And among some of the dead we saw Hapu’s grandfather, Kiawe’s grandfather, and Stoutland. But in the mist, Mallow came across her mother. And that one moment where she finally can see her mother after so many years! She breaks down and cries. She apologizes for the horrible things she said as a kid to her. But those sorrys turn into thank yous. She thanks her mother for what she’s done, thanked her for being her mother! God damn it, this is now #2 in saddest Pokemon moments. The second I saw this I thought it was going to make me ugly cry and trounce all over the Misty/Togetic moment. To my surprise, it didn’t. But came super close!

In short, Mallow seeing her mother again…this moment! Feels! Fucking feels!

COMEBACK: I have pretty much given up on people from the previous series to pay Ash a visit in the newest region. After XY where we didn’t get a single sighting of Iris and Cilan getting shafted to an episode that they didn’t even bother giving an English dub, I just gave up. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t get characters who “came back”.

In SM, there were two times where we got a blast from the past. In two episodes we had Ash, Kukui, and the class make a trip to Kanto where (that’s right) we get to see Professor Oak, Delia, Misty, and Brock again. Not only that but we get two more episodes where Misty and Brock come to Alola!

As much as I love Misty…and toler…ate Brock, many other characters are overdue for a get-together with Ash. If you want me to be blunt, May, Iris, and Tracey are the only ones who should get attention and everyone else needs to FUCK OFF. That’s right, we don’t need to see Brock hit on more whores of the day. No more fishing competitions for Dento-fruit (much as I love him). Blushy McIdiot, Dingus, and Bonnie can go fuck off! And that goes double for Dawn!

Shit Medea, that was cruel.

Yeah it was cruel and I’ll continue to do so. It’s been 11 years since May was last seen/heard. Iris got royally butt-fucked by everything in the anime. And as for Tracey, I don’t owe you pissants a fucking explanation. Tracey deserves better! Speaking of…

AN UNFORTUNATE THEORY: With the comebacks of Misty and Brock, Tracey has just been NOT THERE! They go to Oak’s lab and he isn’t there. Not even mentioned. Not a word about him. When Ash calls Professor Oak randomly, Oak is there and even Muk, but no Tracey. When Ash asks Misty and Brock about back home, they don’t mention Tracey…which is to be expected since they have to talk about their siblings, but still.

Pokemon doing anything island adventure wise kinda comes with a mixed bag. The Orange Islands came with immediate hate because loyal Brock fans are ass-hurt about Tracey’s existence. The Sevii Islands were a bust during the FR/LG games. And the less mentioned about Decalore Island in the BW anime, the better. But when they decided to do Alola, fans caught on quite quickly with some comparisons to the Orange Island anime portion.

Unlike all the other gyms in other regions, Alola had four grand trials/leaders. Orange Islands had the Orange Crew, which was essentially four gym leaders. Both the trials and the crew had Ash do different tasks before an actual battle. Next, pokemon with different colors/forms! In the early episodes of the Orange Islands, we saw pokemon just a smide different from their normal looks. We saw Vileplume with a different flower pattern, other pokemon with a different shade of color to them, and interesting designs on Butterfree. In Alola, they expaneded on that by giving “Alolan forms” to pokemon like Meowth, Diglett, Exeggutor, Marowak, and even Raichu! I do love Alolan Raichu! However, the pokemon that had small changes in the Orange Islands were not brought to the Alolan table. So maybe Orange Islands and Alola are in far different parts of the world.

Where my theory goes from here is that I think Pokemon really wants to pretend the Orange Islands never happened. That means the gym battles, the special pokemon, and yes, even Tracey. That’s the only way to explain why no one has mentioned him even when we’re standing in Professor Oak’s fucking lab! I hate to be blunt and say something so horrible, but every time I watch SM, it really does feel like that. Yes, I admit it, the Orange Islands were just filler until Ash and crew could go to Johto. First of all, it exists. No matter how much you try to white-wash us with Alolan features, the Orange Islands was a thing. And it was a great thing! Ash was in his first six-on-six match (and won), Ash’s first double battle happened here, and stellar episodes like Pikachu Re-volts and Tracey Gets Bugged should not be cast aside. Those were all great! Pokemon, you cannot run from your past! You can improve upon it, yes. But never forget! These were a thing! These were great things!

Thankfully, my death theory was put to rest in the first episode of Pokemon 2019 when the Orange Island trophy was shown. That’s great, now where’s Tracey?

Another theory! They couldn’t get Tomokazu Seki. That could also be it!

RUNNING GAG: We got two running gags throughout the SM series! First, there’s the return of that singing ball of pink, Jigglypuff! This little singer has not been seen or heard from since AG. That’s well over a decade, people. Well…when Ash and crew visited Kanto, they ran into Jigglypuff and by sheer coincidence, wound up riding the airplane back to Alola. So now we see it every now and then in Alola, singing in a Karaoke bar.

And the other…Bewear! It hasn’t been officially caught by Team Rocket. They don’t use it in a battle. But Bewear has literally made it impossible for Team Rocket to BLAST OFF ever again. Their life-long running gag died the minute they fell into Bewear’s meaty arms.

Also it doesn’t help that I constantly scream “KUMA SHOCK” every time it comes to collect Team Rocket. Anyone who gets that reference deserves a high five!

BANNED IN THE USA: Welcome back, banishment! I knew you couldn’t stay away for long as we do live in a SJW/PC time. So what episode never got to see the light of day in the U.S.?

This one…yeah, I can totally agree with. So in the U.S. there is indeed ONE episode we were not given. In this episode, Ash decides to help a group of Passimian. And throughout the majority of the episode, Ash is dressed up like a Passimian from the pajamas to the…OH MY! I actually let it slide when I saw the Japanese viewing (because I’m half-awake at 2am), but I can definitely see why this one would ruffle a few feathers. Let’s just say Ash’s costume was a little too borderline blackface and that’s why it’ll never air in the states.

Anything else!? Not in terms of full episodes. Certain scenes, absolutely! Little baby things were edited due to being not kid-friendly. What’s in those drinks Kukui and Burnet are drinking out of at their own wedding? Champagne? Blasphemy! That’s Orange Juice now! What’s in Delia’s drink in the first episode? Oh we can’t have her pull a Miriam Pataki here! Turn that shit into Pinap Juice! Okay, besides the censorship of drinks, was there anything else? Why, yes, yes there was!

We all know how creepy Team Rocket’s Mimikyu can be. That’s why it’s placed in my top 10 list of characters that scare the shit outta me! Well one scene had Mimikyu’s shadow scare Meowth so horribly, the next scene had Meowth DEAD! Face down in the water! Don’t worry kids, Meowth comes back to life. The U.S. said “OH HELL NO WE CAN’T SHOW THIS! FUCK IS WRONG WITH JAPAN!” And so the face down scene was completely chopped from the dub. Add to that, there were several instances where Meowth almost dies and parts of those scenes are cut from American broadcast.

REFERENCES: If there was one thing this new animation has given us, it has open the doors to using references from other animes and even a few western media projects. And we haven’t really seen much of this since the original series and AG. And even back then, it was mostly just Rose of Versailles references with Team Rocket. I know I give the animation flack for it being a pile of shit compared to better animation shown in XY and DP. But I think the animators do have a little more fun when doing Sun and Moon. And I think it’s loosened them to using other animation styles seen in different and popular animes.

And boy did SM use a butt-load of anime references! Here’s a list of what I was able to remember!

*Facial expressions matching those scene in JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure in several episodes *A Mr. Osomatsu reference tossed somewhere *Ping Pong the Animation being used when Illma entered in the Ping Pong competition *Kiawe doing the famous Gendo Ikari pose from Neon Genesis Evangelion in the same episode mentioned above. *Ash and Kiawe making the scary, demonic face Popuko makes when she’s mad on Pop Team Epic, when the two missed out on catching a UB Pokemon. *Transformation scenes with Ash and crew that match those of Power Rangers or every magical girl show. *The girl with many Pikachus has one Pikachu with hair like Boruto (Naruto Uzamaki’s son) *Ash and Pikachu looking like they’re doing the Kamehameha attack during their league match (DBZ, duh) *Rotomdex mentioning it wants to do a sci-fi feature and the image strikes a chord with Star Wars fans everywhere. *Lillie dressed like Utena. Mallow dressed like the rose princess, Anthy. HOLY SHIT, MY OTP IS DOING A REVOLUTIONARY GIRL UTENA REFERENCE! Take my revolution!

And the mother of all references goes to Jessie! Or should I say, her seiyuu Megumi Hayashibara! Pokemon animated many of her iconic roles in one epic scene. Just to name a few of Hayashibara’s roles shown there was Ranma Saotome (Ranma ½) Rei Ayanami (Evangelion), White Kitty (Hello Kitty), Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop), and everyone’s favorite Lina Inverse (Slayers). At least in the English dub, Lisa Ortiz popped in for the Lina Inverse moment! Epic on epic on epicly God levels of YES!

MUSIC: Okay in recent years, the English openings have gotten tolerable and the same can be said about the opening themes used this time around. So I won’t bitch about that. So how about I bitch about the BGM?!

Background music, I know a lot of complaints are expressed by loyal Japanese version fans that the English version has completely changed the BGM throughout most of the episodes and even the motion pictures! Yeah, in the I Choose You movie only ONE original BGM was used. The BGM topic never really got to me. But if I remember correctly when 4Kids lost rights to Pokemon and went to the new company, they said that they were going to keep a lot of things true and the BGM was one of them. Yeah, that went to the waist-side real fast! I do believe that they listened to that complaint because in the following movie, the entire score was kept (with the exception of the ED theme by Porno Graffitti).

The Japanese openings…I used to like Alola by Rica Matsumoto. Yeah…used to. Okay, that’s too mean. I don’t hate it on the lengths of V(Volt) from the previous series. It’s just that they used this song in certain scenes that took me out of liking it fully. Now anytime I hear Alola, all I can think about is Ash, Litten, Pikachu, and Rockruff wiggling their asses. Some of the other openings were just okay, I wasn’t too thrilled about them. But there was another thing I feel I should bring up.

Just like the English dub to XY, they wanted to capture a nostalgic feel to the general audience watching, Sun and Moon gave us some of that here. Because of the release of the 20th movie, Rica Matsumoto ended up singing her signature Mezase Pokemon Master again. And as a result, it was the show’s opening for quite some time. Not only that but the last ending theme to Sun and Moon was a cover of Rica’s other hit song Type Wild (now sung by Shoko Nakagawa).

MOVIES: The movies have taken a different turn from what we’ve seen previously. Let’s face it folks, the 10 movies that came out prior to these last three were average AT BEST. And with many other series doing reboots to their old classics, I guess Pokemon decided to do it on a large scale when it came to the story of Ash and Pikachu. With all new animation and a new story, we follow Ash and Pikachu in a much different take on their journey. A much faster-paced story where Ash doesn’t have much of the filler stuff and doesn’t travel with Misty, Brock, or the rest! To which I say, good! I know it means the Sun & Moon gang will never be in a movie, but it also means that animation won’t be there either.

I Choose You was the first movie and from the get-go, fans were upset over seeing a reboot of Ash’s beginning journey with Pikachu and not seeing Misty or Brock. Instead we get a kind of condensed version of certain moments of Ash’s original journey, mixed with new material and get introduced to new characters (who come from Sinnoh of all places). The pokemon featured was Ho-oh, who after all this time was going to be featured in a film and Marshadow because it’s not a pokemon movie without featuring a brand-new pokemon from this era.

The Power of Us, Ash ends up on an island where he meets several new characters who each have their own story to tell including a high school girl, a shy scientist, a pathological liar, an old woman who hates pokemon, and the daughter of the mayor. And we are introduced to another new pokemon, Zeroroa. All five characters (plus Ash) are put through their own trials and tribulations in order to save their town during a festival.

Mewtwo Strikes Back EVOLUTION: It’s the first movie…in CGI/3D/Robot-Chicken-ized, whatever! There’s no need for a synopsis since everybody and their mother knows this story. It’s literally the same story as Mewtwo Strikes Back. Ash and company get invited to an island, Mewtwo causes storms and clones to mess with the people, Mew appears, Pokemon fight, Ash dies, Ash doesn’t die, Mewtwo says profound speech that even Jon Stewart praises, everyone’s minds are erased, and that’s all! They even got the original cast to come back and reused Unshou Ishizuka’s old footage as the narrator for this movie!

The thing about this last movie is that, The Pokemon Company dropped the ball on this. SEVERELY dropped the ball on this! They had the perfect setup, the perfect opportunity to get this in the theaters just in time for the 20th anniversary of the first movie’s release in the U.S. and they do jackshit with it! Not even on Disney XD. For shame!

I will say that these three are a SEVERE improvement on the Pokemon movies. Can anyone with full honesty say that any pokemon movie that came out after the Lucario movie that any of the others were even good? Be honest, almost every movie since AG was just essentially a long side-story with an annoying mythical/legendary that can talk. It got annoying! Plus it just felt like Ash and whoever he was with would just be dragged in the middle of some bullshit and have to save the day. It was fine in the first couple of movies, but the pattern got worn out.

Plus with this alternate timeline to the Pokemon story, it gave the Sun and Moon anime more to work with legendaries and mythical pokemon. Hell, all the main cast was able to catch (and later release) an Ultra Beast pokemon. Not only that, but Mallow got to take care of the mythical pokemon Shaymin for over 40 episodes. Don’t you wish we got that with May and Manaphy? Plus, Ash got to take care of Cosmog and Poipole for an extended amount of time. Okay, my favorite movie of the three.

I Choose You is my favorite out of the bunch. I loved the retelling of Ash and Pikachu starting out on their very first journey. I love the new path they took with this story. I love the new characters introduced, Verity and Sorrel. I love the pokemon that were shown as it gave us a bit of everything from every region up to this point. Yes it was a cluster-fuck in some portions as I had to see past characters shown way different. Cynthia’s Verity’s mother! I can’t unsee this shit! And I will never unsee the messed-up dream Ash had where he was in actual real-world with no pokemon and in a real school where I’m given vivid flashbacks of my fanfic. Regardless, I enjoyed this movie so much. And I got to see many things here that I would always imagine would happen in a final episode of Pokemon (where Ash dies, Pikachu speaks, and an epic fight with Ho-oh). It is now my 2nd favorite Pokemon movie.

+1000000000 points for showing Tracey in the ED credits! Medea screeched in the theaters. I apologize for nothing! Best five seconds I’ve had in years.

TEAM ROCKET UPDATE: As this region does not have Pokemon Contests or that tact on Princess crap from Kalos, we’ll find our favorite trio (+Wobbuffett) going after the twerps and wandering around the area. And while I do enjoy Jessie dipping her foot in the contest arena, this pace can be boring and a blessing at the same time. Unlike previous seasons, we will go episodes at a time where we don’t see Team Rocket. But the episodes where they do show up aren’t the most thrilling. Usually they’ll just be in the background serving treats to background characters.

However, one major improvement with Team Rocket this season is with their pokemon. In the past, Team Rocket has had some unique pokemon that they’ve captured (or stolen…still not letting the Yamnega thing go). In Kanto, James had Victreebel that would eat him. In Hoenn, James had Cacnea that would pinch him every time it came out. In Sinnoh, James had Carnevine that would eat him…Okay, a lot of it is James torture-porn! Regardless, they were entertaining to watch. And I felt a complete slump with their pokemon during BW and XY. This season, pretty much ALL of Team Rocket’s pokemon are entertaining.

Marenie loves James so much that she would blow off being with her own kind to be with James. Even hearing the sounds of wedding bells every time James asks a favor of her! It’s actually adorable to watch Marenie. Jessie’s Mimikyu…I’m almost convinced Mimikyu is the reincarnation of a serial killer. And the biggest pokemon to cause Team Rocket so much grief is one they didn’t even catch, but it sticks around to take care of them like they were children, Bewear! And trust me, they’ve tried catching Bewear. And Bewear smushed the pokeball into poke-dust! Bewear would just come right the fuck out of nowhere, defying logic, gravity, and absurdity to bring Team Rocket back to its cave! This, making it the longest period of time where Team Rocket went without blasting off!

Every time they had the twerps cornered, in comes Bewear to take them back! Whenever they were about to do their traditional blast off, Bewear would come in and take them back to the cave! Even when they’re in fucking Kanto, it managed to swoop in and take them back to the cave. Team Rocket even DEFEATED Ash in a battle and had the perfect opportunity to take the twerp’s Pikachu. But no, Bewear came in and swooped them up! These pokemon were fun to watch this entire series! This was definitely an improvement from the last few seasons. Seriously, I can’t even remember what pokemon Jessie and James had during BW!

BIG TEAM BATTLE: Just like in Unova, Team Rocket ended up getting more attention than the antagonists of Alola. Except here, it’s a little more accepting. It’s just that in Alola, was there really a big team to cause major havoc with world-shaking consequences? Technically, the Aether Foundation wasn’t the big bad team and Team Skull was just a bunch of angsty punks. Regardless, there were two arcs with something epic happening.

The first of course was opening the wormhole and discovering the Ultra Beasts. And in almost the same fashion as the game, Lillie and the rest have to go and rescue her mother from the Ultra Beasts (because Lusamine got taken over by one). Only difference is that game Lusamine wanted to use this power. Anime Lusamine pushed her children out of the way so they wouldn’t get taken away. We did get some great moments with Ash doing a new Z-move with Pikachu, Nebby evolving, and Lillie’s relationship with her mother become stronger.

The second big battle was with Necrozma. Now this one heavily involved Team Rocket as Giovanni disbatched several other members including his assistant Matori and some eye-patch gorilla to try and get this pokemon. However after this incident, we never see Giovanni try to get his hands on this pokemon again or talk about it again. Even when he makes a big foreshadowy deal when he dialed Nanu about it! But in this arc, a mysterious power throughout Alola was making all of the adults listless and lazy. And it was up to Ash and the other kids to get to the bottom of this strange phenomenom.

ENDING – POKEMON LEAGUE: Yeah, this league was going to be different. In the Alolan League, just about anyone can join this certain Pokemon League, as long as you have a Z-crystal, it’s all good. Well, Alola has never had a Pokemon League, which is sort of like what was in the game. So Professor Kukui decided to put this dream into an action and now Alola will hold its first ever Pokemon League! So expect to see the entire cast compete! I’m not kidding!

From the get-go I was worried since Ash’s team here in Alola is pitifully underdeveloped compared to past arcs. And if he were to fight, he’d probably lose to Gladion or Guzma! But since the first task was to knock 151 competitors down to 16, we all know Ash was going to survive this trial. Now in past league competitions and even Pokemon Contests, thinning a big number down would take some time like an episode or two. Here, IT’S A FUCKING FREE-FOR-ALL BATTLE! Trainers coming at you from all angles and you can only use one pokemon! It’s like a mini-game from Mario Party it was that crazy!

The 16 trainers that made the cut are all trainers we know! They all had at least 1 debut episode prior to this moment. So no surprise bastards like Tobias to muck things up! The sixteen competitors are Ash, Mallow, Lillie, Lana, Kiawe, Sophocles, Jessie, James, Faba, Aceorla, Mina, Ilima, Guzma, Hau, Gladion, and Samson Oak! Unbelievable! The entire main cast, Team Rocket, trial people in the games, the head of Team Skull, the island heartthrob, Ash’s two main rivals, and a freakin’ Oak! We could not make this up!

From the Top 8, we wind up with Ash, Guzma, Hau, Gladion, James, Sophocles, Kiawe, and Lana advancing. These next battles had some pretty decent moments including James trying to hold his own against Gladion, Lana and Primarina trying to survive a poisonous dick move from Guzma, and action-packed moments with Kiawe and Sophocles.

…

…

I don’t want to talk about it. NO, I DON’T! NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT ASH’S BATTLE WITH HAU! First of all, their rivalry only expands to like two episodes. One episode prior to the league and the rest during the league! You’re just butt-fucking us on this sweet little cinnamon roll. I know the anime really wants to stand out on its own by not giving us awesome rivals that we get in the games like Cheren or Brendan, but God-forbid if you give them some awesome moments before you have them get beaten by Ash and sent back to wherever the fuck they came from! And this battle is just an insult of every level!

I know Ash has been known to pull off some stupid moments in his day when it comes to pokemon battles. He’d put a clear type-disadvantage against a powerhouse pokemon. He’d put all his faith in one pokemon and if it failed, absolutely fuck all. And most common of all, have one of his non-evolved pokemon go up against a fully evolved pokemon. We get the latter when Ash’s insomniac-stricken bird, Rowlet, go up against Hau’s fully-evolved Decidueye. But before the battle, we get some last minute training in done by Toucannon and its bird-kin. You’ve got to be the stupidest mother fu…Forget it, you’re just wasting your breath! Well, it’s because Rowlet is DETERMINED so that gives the green flag to fight in Ash Ketchum’s book.

You stupid fucking idi…

During the fight, Ash and Hau did use their Z-moves early on and both did little to no damage to either one. But it’s freakin’ clear that Hau’s Decidueye is clearly more trained. That’s why the two birds duked it out to a point of both of them being close to knocked out. But in the end, Nanu calls the battle for Decidueye because it got up first. AND ASH LOST!

…Or did he?

No, upon further inspection, ROWLET WAS FUCKING ASLEEP! God, no! No! Good fucking God, what were you writers thinking? You’re trolling us again, aren’t you? Ever since the Sinnoh League, you thought it was a good idea to troll the fucking audience. Like Tobias having another legendary or Davey winning with a fucking Eevee or Ash losing to Alain. You people are fucking with us!

Long story short, Ash and Rowlet get a second chance. They win the battle. Hau cries. Moving on!

NO, WE’RE NOT MOVING ON FROM THIS SHIT! WHO THE FUCK DECIDED THIS TO HAPPEN?! A lot of us fans are still sore over that retarded call back in the Kanto League where Squirtle falling asleep was a K.O. I can’t accept this, not after all the league battles Ash has had before this. Especially the last league against Tierno, Sawyer, and Alain! They are probably watching you and facepalming. Bonnie is laughing at you! Lysandre is calling you a dickhead from beyond the grave! Serena tore up a picture of Ash and went lesbian! Okay, that didn’t really happen. But this episode got me so fucking twisted I find myself eating thunder and shitting out lightening.

And now with Lana’s defeat by Guzma, we’re now in the final four. So…huh…um, new category! I know this is where I’m supposed to talk about the ending with the league, but I feel like I should talk about this.

GENDER AND LEAGUE PLACEMENT: Is it just me or are most competitors and even winners of these things majority male? It’s unknown who won the Kanto League. Johto went to some douchebag no one remembers. Hoenn was won by Tyson. Sinnoh went to Trollbias. Unova went to Davey. And Kalos went to NOT ASH…Alain! And even in the top 4 and 8 sometimes, it’s all men. I really don’t want to put the pussy hat on and claim unfairness to a show I’ve been watching for over 20 years, but…putting Lana up against someone we all know is going to go to the semi-finals…come on man! I probably should have questioned some gender stuff especially with that princess crap in Kalos where it was most, if not all female. But Pokemon Leagues are usually coed! It’s just that prior to Lana, the only other girls I remember competiting in past leagues were Katie from AG and Astrid from XY. Maybe I’m making too much out of it.

BACK TO THE LEAGUE: Thankfully the semi-finals fights were great (compared to that bullshit Hau/Ash match I wish would die). Gladion and Kiawe bro-downed with their match! Guzma learned the hard way of being defeated in the semi-finals by a twerp. Guzma, you may be older than Ash, but Ashy-boy has been defeated so many times in this position it’s not even funny. So the finals were a three-on-three match between Ash and Gladion.

Ash got some good traction with his newly evolved pokemon Melmetal. Gladion was able to put his father’s pokemon, Zoroark into good use. And there was even a double knockout near the end. But somehow, we knew it would go back to a finale of Lycanroc vs. Lycanroc. And this was a nail-bitter. Who the heck knows who was going to end up victorious?

…Actually, a certain publication leaked the result three days before the episode aired…

I fucking hate the internet sometimes.

So Ash won…

*CRAZY-ASS APPLAUSE TIME*

You’d think Jesus “Tap Dancing” Christ rose from the dead with how crazy this was. The internet lost it because after the Kalos League’s close-call and Sinnoh’s B.S. match against the legendaries, they saw this as Ash’s staple in becoming a Pokemon Master. Whatever…

WHAT NEXT?!: Actually, much like what happened after Alain won the Pokemon League, the ceremony was quickly interrupted by the appearance of the gluttenous Ultra Beast, Guzzlord. And it took the power of everyone’s Z-Crystal to get rid of this beast. However, at the end of this powerful battle, Ash and everyone else learned a shocking secret of Professor Kukui.

Kukui is really Alola’s most famous battler, Masked Royal!

Well now that the Delcatty’s out of the bag, might as well have Kukui actually go up against Ash in a six-on-six match. NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! This was one hell of a match, spanning over three episodes (it was that bad-ass). Kukui’s got one hell of a line-up featuring pokemon from nearly every region. Now because of a certain battle, seeing Rowlet take out one of Kukui’s finest kinda pisses me off. But the biggest fights came from Incenaroar and Torracat. Because they fought, not one, not two, but THREE times! And their bout ended with Ash’s Torracat evolving and a double knockout! OH MY GOD, HOW COULD THIS GET ANY BETTER?!

In comes Tapu-Koko! He said, “Fuck your sixth pokemon, Kukui. I wanna battle this boy I’ve been stalking since 2016!” Yeah, we get one major fight between one of the Tapus and Ash’s Naganadel and Pikachu (and whatever pokemon that isn’t dead) and believe it or not, Ash won! He defeated all of Kukui’s pokemon AND Tapu-Koko. He’s seriously out-doing everything he’s ever done from XYZ! Even going above and beyond with Pikachu by doing a solid reference to Dragon Ball Z…You all know what they referenced.

So Ash, you just won the Pokemon League, you defeated your mentor, you took out one of the island deities, what are you gonna do next?

I’M GOING TO DISNEYLA…PALLET TOWN!

Yeah, I would choose that too Ash. Only for different and hornier reasons! Actually, Ash gave a lot of thought to what was next. Not only him, but everybody in his class! The biggest one of course was Lillie as she has been reading up on her father’s old journals and trying to figure out that gift he left her as a baby before he disappeared. I still can’t believe he got her quite a rare pokemon like Magerna. But Magerna has been a husk until Lillie took care of it and now it’s freakin’ mobil. Back to Ash, it wasn’t really until he fought Kiawe in a post-match fight that he buckled down on what he wants to do next. And I think Olivia mentioning traveling kinda sparked Ash for his next journey.

And wouldn’t you know it, Team Rocket at the same time gets word from Giovanni to pack their shit up and return to Kanto. Mimikyu in its satanic fashion tries to take out Pikachu one last time. But it failed, almost drowned in the water, and was then SAVED by the very Pokemon it’s tried to kill the last 145 episodes. Okay, vendetta over, later bitches. Team Rocket ended up leaving Maernie and Mimikyu in the dead of night. And Bewear promised to watch after them in their absence and gave us something we haven’t seen since this show began…a proper blast off! Team Rocket blasted off once more. I’m feeling quite nostalgic because it’s been a while.

Hey, I just realized. What happened to Jigglypu-

WHO CARES!

Okay then, I’ll probably see it in another 10 years.

Lillie decided to go off with her mother and brother to travel. Lusamine handed over her responsibilities to Rotomdex. And on the day of Lillie’s departure, she ends up almost in the same fashion as Serena’s goodbye (but thankfully we’re on a boat and she can’t do any last-minute smooches). Lillie remembered all that Ash has done for her and how much she’s grown, so she gives him a very earnest “Thank You”. Now for Ash’s goodbye to his host family! Now I’ve pretty much heard and seen the internet cherish this cute bond between Kukui, Burnet, and Ash. And yeah, it’s pretty genuine! Whenever we get an opening scene of them in Kukui’s home, they’re usually doing something family-ish. And they’re definitely going to miss that! Poor Burnet was even crying!

On Ash’s flight back to Pallet Town, he looks out the window and sees his friends giving him one final farewell as they fly through the skies with their partner pokemon.

In the aftermath we see, Sophocles leaving to go with his cousin, Mallow’s older brother returning home, Shaymin transforming into its flying form (yes, flying away leaving Mallow), Kiawe is doing some training with Olivia, Lana traveling with her father to fish for a mythical pokemon, Hau taking on Nanu in a grand trial, Team Skull just hanging there, Bewear looking after Maernie and Mimikyu, Lusamine traveling with the kids, and something that shocked the shit out of me! Even though I called it in the back of my mind!

We close out the episode with Kukui and Burnet sitting together and...

WHAT THE WHAT?!

NANI?

NANI THE FUCK?

IS THAT A BABY BUMP?! It is. It freakin’ is! God I hope Ash didn’t walk in on them having sex. Don’t be silly Medea, they probably conceived this child when Ash was either training or having a sleepover. Truthfully, I say they did the nasty when Ash, Kiawe, and Sophocles spent the night in the woods training.

OOH, BETTER IMAGE! They did roleplaying during sex and Kukui wore the Masked Royal mask! Just let me have this moment guys. I really enjoy frolicking in my gutter mind!

Oh and closing message, “and your dreams!”

I seriously hope the English dub keeps the end credits to this. They have a lousy reputation of skimping on things like that. They even skipped the photo scene at the end of BW. Please for crap’s sake, keep the ending scenes!

Yes, in the back of my mind I thought Sun and Moon would be radical and give us a pregnant Burnet. I knew this would happen sometime after that wedding episode a year and a half ago. But then a few weeks before the Sun and Moon finale, I wound up dreaming about Kiawe’s mother pregnant and she was wearing the exact same dress Burnet is wearing in the final scene. Sometimes my dreams can be fucking spooky and spot-on at the same time.

WOW-EE-WOWEE-WOW-WOW! Okay, um. Some thoughts! This anime gave me such a huge slump during a lot of it. I cannot lie. There was a long period of time where I was just disinterested in Sun and Moon. And seeing how other people were (especially those who were staunch XYZ fans) yeah I can see that. One big, annoying factor was once again, the animation. Yeah, you whiny bitches complaining BW Ash was the worst? You owe that one an apology! Because this Ash looks nothing like the past 5 Ash’s! And they tried this comedic style that won on some parts and failed in other departments. Though, spot-on whenever we get a Jojo’s reference! There were episodes that were just absolute MEH. And this is coming from the same person who sat through all the fillers in Johto, MORE THAN ONCE! And I had some severe reservations about seeing a main cast this huge trying to get some character growth. I had absolutely no expectations for anyone and thought they were gonna serve as dead weight (except for Kiawe and Lana).

Once again, I’m glad to see my expectations are blown away. There has been massive character development and they managed to hit all the main characters and even some of the minor ones. Lillie especially has blossomed throughout the series. As a girl who was afraid of Pokemon, I am impressed at how far she’s come. She was able to overcome her fear of pokemon eventually, hatch a pokemon from an egg, excel the power of Z-moves, bring back to life a rare/mythical pokemon, and even make it to the top 16 of the Alolan League. While Lana is still my best girl of this season, Lillie is definitely a wonder to behold. Sophocles, I had the littlest of hope or care for him. I still am not a fan of him really, but when you see this boy overcome certain anxieties, hurdles, and one sad moment involving the meteorite pokemon, you see he’s a pretty solid character.

And then there’s Mallow…Dammit! So I just realized as I’m wrapping up Sun and Moon.

One of the biggest things I saw was “Family”. And seeing as Alola is a take on Hawaii and one of the biggest things people pride theirselves upon is family, this totally makes sense. In Sun and Moon, we saw a lot of different kinds of families. Small ones like Sophocles. Bigger ones like Kiawe and Lana. Families that have had their own share of heartache like Mallow and Lillie. Ones that end up starting like Kukui and Burnet! Hala and Hau’s little relationship. And even families that are reunited like Bewear and Stuffel! These particular moments and episodes were ones that touched me in a way only Miyazaki can reach. Particularly Mallow’s story! I already mentioned this in the saddest moment category, but Mallow with her deceased mother is one of the best character growth episodes in Pokemon history. Up until that point, we’ve seen Mallow pretty perky, a good cook, and a supportive friend, especially to Ash, Lana, and Lillie. But then we get hit with this one story that no one expected. And now, let’s discuss Ash in this part! We got to see Ash settle in with a second family life with Kukui and Burnet. I mean let’s face it, all the other places Ash traveled he would roam from town to town. Here in Alola, it’s like Kukui was the father he never had and Burnet was like a second mother. And I suppose they felt like Ash was a son to them. So quite fitting they wound up having a baby after his departure.

And it wasn’t just the humans that have grown, but their pokemon too! Many of Ash and his friends’s pokemon were able to grow and shatter all expectations. Two of Ash’s pokemon especially deserve that praise and that’s Lycanroc and Incenaroar. Back when Lycanroc was a Rockruff, he always strived to get stronger. And in later episodes, it looked up to other Lycanroc like Olivia’s and Gladion’s. Then it evolved and it’s been quite the journey to try and train this doggo to it’s full potential. And because this is one of Ash’s pokemon, this has gotta be a one-of-a-kind pokemon (dusk form). Well Lycanroc has overcome some tough obstacles (yes, including bearing through getting dirty) and went on to be one of Ash’s top pokemon.

Litten, THANKFULLY didn’t have a dickhead trainer abusing him like many of Ash’s other fire-type pokemon. But Litten’s story was far from perfect as it was a stray cat pokemon living on the streets with an old Stoutland. And Ash took in Litten after Stoutland passed away. Litten was a pretty decent member of Ash’s team, but definitely got the fire in his eyes when he saw Masked Royal and Incenaroar. That encouraged Litten throughout the series to get stronger. Even leading to one of the best fights during Kukui and Ash’s match! Good doggo, good kitty!

Oh yeah, probably should talk about the battles! Unlike the other gyms up to this point, Ash went through Grand Trials (just like you would in the game). Except Ash really didn’t do that many of those mini trials since Kiawe, Lana, Mallow, and Sophocles were his classmates and not giving out tests! But Ash still wound up battling the big kahunas like Hala, Olivia, Nanu, and Hapu. And in the old Ash fashion, there were battles he won like a champ, ones where he’d have to try again, and ones where he got supremely lucky. Yeah, that Ash vs. Hapu match was such bullshit. But I’d still take that match over Ash vs. Hau in the Alolan League!

I will NEVER get over that match. Yeah aside from that travesty, a lot of the Pokemon League matches were pretty stellar, even the ones not involving Ash. I really enjoyed Sophocles vs. Kiawe and the Lana vs. Mallow match.

LET’S LOOK BACK AT MY HIGH HOPES: At the end of Pokemon XY, I made a nice list of things I would like to see. Did any of my high hopes come to fruition? Let’s see…

First of all, NO, I DID NOT SEE MY ANIME HUSBAND! For fuck’s sake Pokemon! If Snorlax exists at the Oak lab, Tracey Sketchit should too. They both came from the same arc. But NO! He’s not at the lab and doesn’t even get a mention. That is messed up! I don’t know if this is because they couldn’t get Tomokazu Seki to stop playing Gilgamesh for a second to come back or they’re trying to distance themselves from the Orange Islands as much as possible, or if they just FORGOT his existence, but I’m not digging this. No, Medea hates this with a holy fucking passion.

Old characters returning under this new style! Yeah, it happened. I think I was only a fan of how the women looked, so Misty and Delia looked okay to me. I just wasn’t a fan of Professor Oak and Brock. Although, kudos to the anime for having Brock take his shirt off and show off his six-pack. DAMN BOY! The animation ended up staying the same throughout the series, but I managed to tolerate/muscle through it.

I know I forgot to write this part, but I really wanted Kukui to remain single for the series. Yeah, that fell at the waist-side! Kukui was single…but then he got married. Okay, I can accept it. That was the cutest proposal, I have to admit that. And I was howling when I saw pregnant Burnet at the end. So alls well that ends well!

Let’s see, Lusamine wasn’t voiced by Miki Itou like I wanted. Then again, this Lusamine wasn’t a psycho bitch. Although kudos for getting Nobuhiko Okamato voicing Gladion. I am forever happy with that outcome.

Did I get more Clefables? FUCK YEAH, I DID! Holy shit, I forgot Lusamine had a Clefable in the games and didn’t even think the anime was going to keep that, but HOLY SHIT THEY DID AND I’M SO HAPPY! Not only that but we were able to see Clefable every so often. It’s so adorable. I just wanna hug her!

Lillie’s egg of course wasn’t Cosmog, it was Alolan Vulpix. Cosmog can’t be hatched. It just magically appears. Hey, cute choice though!

Did Ash catch a psychic pokemon? Uhhhhhhh…no! Still no psychic type.

Did I see Wicke and Olivia, fuck yeah I did! Wicke is adorable especially when she bosses Faba around. My only thing with Olivia is that, I wish the anime didn’t make her into a clumsy oaf the whole time. My God, she tripped more times than Bianca did during Best Wishes. That’s sad! Now her being the object of Brock’s eye, that I wasn’t expecting. I’m wondering if Brock will keep in contact with Olivia or if he’s moved onto another booty-call of the day.

Overall, it was a bumpy start for me to get into Sun and Moon. But it wasn’t until we got to important things like the Aether Foundation, Mallow’s mother, and Guzma’s debut that got me back fully invested. I know it’s damn near impossible to convince staunch XYZ fans to watch this, but give it a shot for the stories. The animation is just so undoable after what XY has given us, but still.

Currently, most (if not all) episodes of Sun and Moon dubbed will be available on Hulu, Netflix, Pokemon TV, and Disney XD. Yeah, no one has gotten around to giving us legal subtitled episodes sad to say. Here’s hoping Disney XD will continue holding onto the Pokemon license as they happen to be the ONLY one that literally has all episodes available. On the channel, they still kinda restrict themselves to only playing the current season, but sometimes we get lucky with the movies.

MORE HIGH HOPES: Okay, new high hopes for the new Pokemon series, Pokemon…um, 2019? Seriously guys, what’s up with this cryptic-ass series?

*Signs that Tracey Sketchit exists. Just show him at Oak’s lab or somewhere in this series. That’s all I ask. I will even swallow my pride and allow him to be at the Waterflower Slut Brigade in Cerulean. Just please, for the love of Arceus, show him to me. That flash in the 20th movie does not settle me. Give him to me, now! Don’t care how, I WANT IT NOW! I am the Veruca Salt of seeing Tracey again.

*Aside from Tracey, and seriously show him to me already…If at possible, update on May and Iris. Everyone else can go fuck off! These two deserve an update if Ash is doing this around the world adventure with his new boy-toy Gou. I know it may be difficult to get their voice actors back as I’m sure Aoi Yuuki’s schedule is insane and Kaori has an illness preventing her from voicing. Still! Something from those two…AND ONLY THOSE TWO FEMALES! I’m sick of Misty popping in without giving us what we want. Dawn and Serena need to go to the Pokemon version of Antartica until 2030. And unless Mallow, Lana, and Lillie make a shocking discovery, I don’t want to see them for a few years.

*CLEFABLES! Okay, yeah, that goes without saying!

*YAMPER or as I call him, Winston Corgles Ein Handbanana the Breadloaf must be seen at least once every two episodes.The opening theme doesn’t count. I want to see Winston Corgles Ein Handbanana the Breadloaf.

*Eventually spend some time in Galar and fight gym battles there. I know the Pokemon anime wants to take a sharp left turn into WTF territory, but sometimes don’t mess with the status quo and have Ash take on some gyms. Mmkay?!

*If Team Rocket and Giovanni really have to show up again, could we PLEASE finally get Ariana, Archer, Petrel, and Proton to be in the anime? Or as my friend calls them, the Stupid Sexy Rocket Execs!

*And while we’re at it, could we get an arc in this series where Ash goes to the Battle Tower in Sinnoh?

*Give James a Galarian Weezing.

*Rica Matsumoto must eventually sing an OP theme for this series. Goes without saying!

*Give Ash a Psychic type.

*I know nobody ages in this show, but please don’t keep Burnet pregnant forever. Also, if Ash decides to visit Kukui and Burnet again, I wanna see their baby.

Final category (I promise)!

IN MEMORIUM: I would like to close my review to Pokemon: Sun & Moon to talk about a certain voice that has been at the center of the Pokemon anime from day one. That was Unshou Ishizuka. If you watched the Japanese version of Pokemon, chances are you have heard this man’s voice in any episode you watch. Whether as Professor Oak or the narrator! Not only those two, but voiced Alder in the Black/White series, Samson Oak in the Sun/Moon series, several versions of the Pokedex, Magikarp Salesman, and many notable pokemon including Misty’s Gyarados, Cilan’s Stunfisk, Dawn’s Mamoswine, Ash’s Muk, Brock’s Onix/Steelix, and even Tracey’s Scyther. In August 2018, he passed away from Esophagus Cancer. So losing someone of this caliber is a huge hit to Pokemon.

I didn’t start watching the Japanese version religiously until 2006 (right around the time the dub murdered eardrums). But I was able to hear him as Onix and Gyarados early on because they had the same voice throughout the entire series run in English. But I had a lot of fun listening to him as Professor Oak when I switched to the Japanese version.  Not to mention his other roles outside the Pokemon series including Mr. Satan in the later Dragon Ball series and Grandpa Joestar on JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. I seriously miss him. May he rest in peace.

[thejackmeister-mongolhistory]

Have you read/what are your thoughts on Jack Weatherford's books?

I have indeed read some of Weatherford’s work: Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World, and his Secret History of the Mongol Queens: How the Daughters of Genghis Khan rescued his Empire. He has another book which is something to do on on the Mongol Empire laid the foundation for modern religious tolerance, I believe, but I have never read it.

Before I go much further, I should state a few things. Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World  was the first ‘serious’ book I ever read on the Mongol Empire. I had finished reading Conn Iggulden’s Conqueror series, which sparked my interest in the Chinggisid Empire: that I was able to, some time after, pick up a copy of Weatherford’s book is what fanned the flames of my passion for the topic. At the time, I can remember being so impressed by the depth of Weatherford’s description and his own passion in Mongol culture, and I do believe without it, there would be no The Jackmeister: Mongol History. Especially in my own earlier videos, before my skills as a researcher had developed alongside my access to sources, Weatherford’s influence can be seen. I think in a video I did on Chinggis Khan’s sons, I basically called them all failures, as per Weatherford’s depiction of them.

Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World was also a huge boon for Weatherford, as it sold magnificently. There is a good chance today if you go into your local bookstore for something on the Mongol Empire, you’ll find a copy of it there, 15 years since its first release. And online, a search for ‘books on the Mongols’ will likely turn it up in the top results. It’s  been translated into multiple languages, has brought him honours and awards even in Mongolia.  I think it can be created to some extent to assisting in the increase in westerners (i.e., average people, not researchers and historians) to view Chinggis Khan as something other than a blood crazed maniac. That Bodrov’s Mongol came out just a few years afterward contributed as well: before that, probably most North Americans exposure to Chinggis was Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. No disrespect to Al Leong, but it’s not the most accurate depiction. 

Weatherford is a skilled writer, and a key to Modern World’s success is that it is a very readable work. The image he presents of Temujin’s flight to Burkhan Khaldun after Borte’s capture, and the choices he faced, I found a poignant image which has stuck with me. Weatherford’s background is as an Anthropologist, and that is apparent in the attention he gives to discussing Mongolian culture. Not an extensive description of steppe tribes and politics, he places Temujin into a cultural context recognizable to modern Mongolians, a focus on his human side, rather than that of the conqueror. Considering that his entire book is on the positive transformative aspects of the Mongol Empire, that shouldn’t be surprising.

Now, that’s a lot of words talking about the books and Weatherford and things about them. My own thoughts on them? Well…

As I have dug deeper into the works of specialists and primary sources, Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World has not aged well. Weatherford is a skilled writer and an anthropologist with a deep appreciation for Mongolian culture. But he is not a historian. And when you read it from an historian’s viewpoint, it is a deeply frustrating work. Because there are so many details and facts it gets wrong that it it very distracting. Opening to a random page while I write this, while discussing the opening of conflict between the Mongols and the Jin Dynasty, he writes: 

“The unexpected death of the Golden Khan of the Jurched and the ascension of his young son to the throne in 1210 offered the Jurchen court an opportunity to assess Genghis Khan …” (page 82).

A few points just in this line: the Mongols called the Jin Emperor the Altan Khan, so literally the Golden Khan. Unusual to do so in a secondary source though, and rather annoying for a reader who may want something more specific, and to find out who the name of this particular monarch. Likewise, to call them the Jurched is unusual: the -ed is a plural ending in Mongolian which you will see on the end of tribal names. But the Jurchen weren’t Mongolian, and Weatherford’s section on them as a whole emphasis their tribal origins, which is a slight misdirection considering how sincizied they had become over the 12th and early 13th century. Not 100% sinicized, but more than one might expect reading just Weatherford’s work, and enough that the increasing adoption of Chinese culture and customs by the Jurchen Jin court brought friction with the military aspects and particularly those Jurchen who still remained in the homeland, in what we generally call Manchuria. However, the succession changes he described are completely false: from 1208 until 1213 the Jin Emperor was Wei Shao Wang, a man whose reign was so poor he was posthumously demoted from emperor to prince, but was probably similar age to Chinggis himself! He was succeeded by a cousin, the Emperor Xuanzong of Jin, who was again of similar age to Chinggis himself. 

The Jin had plenty of difficulties with their emperors, but they never put a child upon the Dragon Throne (I think the third emperor, Xijing of Jin, may have been around 15 when he became Emperor? That was the youngest). This is just one example, but I could flip around the book and find many more (but I don’t want this response to be 20 pages long). 

Weatherford is also frustrating in his relative lack of citing his information, especially particularly interesting claims. The importance of footnotes and endnotes in History, is so that others can see where you got your information from. Essentially, so we can see you’re not making it up, or misrepresenting  them entirely. For example, on page 235 he says the Mongol conquests led to an increase in tools carpenters in Europe had access too, and that they built new cranes and other devices based off knowledge gained from routes opened by the Mongols. A very interesting point to raise, one I’d love to follow up on, but there is no hint to where this information comes from, or what evidence supports this statement, or if he is even accurately representing what someone said on this matter. Or when he makes those inaccurate statements, we can’t even follow up to see what it was that misled him in the first place.

Finally, while I agree with the general point of his thesis (the Mongol Empire transformed Eurasia) much of his support for this argument I find either unsupported, or just wrong. Page 233, he says literacy increased under the Mongol Empire, presenting Kublai Khan’s construction of a printing office in 1269  so government mandates can be disseminated, as support for this. That isn’t even evidence for increased literacy in China because of the Mongols, let alone the entire Asian continent. And does establishing a printing office offset the destruction of libraries, archives and deaths of learned people in the initial conquests? He presents the Mongol invasions to Europe as ending the Middle Ages, saying at one point. 

“European Knighthood never recovered from the blow of losing nearly one hundred thousand soldiers in Hungary and Poland, what the Europeans mounted as the ‘the flower’ of their knighthood and aristocracy. Walled cities and heavily armoured knights were finished, and in the smoke and gunpowder of the Easter Season of 1241, the Mongol triumph portended the coming total destruction of European Feudalism and the Middle Ages.” (page 155)

This is ludicrous. Heavily armoured knights didn’t even end in Hungary, who suffered the worst of the 1241-1242 invasion, let alone in all of Europe. Saying that it portended the end of Feudalism is like saying the death of Augustus portended the end of the Roman Empire. Sure, one occurs before the other, but they’re only tangentially related. As shown in studies by Erik Fügedi, Hungarian castle building actually increased after the Mongol invasion, now largely in stone instead of wood and earthen walls. And of course, European armour making increased in complexity, as the Mongol invasion predated the famous full suits of plate European knights are famous for. 

That is in general the problem with much of Weatherford’s evidence for the impact of the Mongol Empire. There is a huge amount of actual effects the Mongols had, both positive and negative. But Weatherford misses much of these in favour of flashier statements like the above. And by trying to prove this point so much, he ends up minimizing the lives lost in the first place: for some regions, that was the entire experience of the Mongols, and the only place they held in those local popular memories after the disintegration of the Khanates. From what I recall of The Secret History of the Mongol Queens, it had many similar problems. That is why I find Weatherford’s work so frustrating: because it ultimately cannot reach the lofty goals it sets for itself, miring the reader down in distracting, inaccurate representations and doing a disservice to a fascinating and important topic for world history. 

[agent-hood]

@the-roanoke-society

Nervous energy radiated from Carter’s every molecule, forcing Parker into a near-meditative stillness just to bring balance to the situation. Carter had been getting sent on more and more dangerous missions and wanted to seek some formal training for the particular brand of magic he possessed. So they sought help.

Kieran had been all too happy to direct them to Robin Goodfellow, who in turn got them in contact with his cousin, Fionn. The man agreed to meet with Carter to test his skill, but the twins had learned a bit too late that Fionn was the leader of the Brightguard, the only martial group the Seelie court held. So meeting them was a big deal. Like a child on their school’s yearbook committee landing an interview with the panel responsible in determining who to award the Nobel Peace Prize.

It had planted a seed in Carter which Parker thought him previously incapable of growing- insecurity. She already knew that there wasn’t anything this Fionn could do that her brother couldn’t, but seeing him daunted turned what would have been polite cordiality into a contrarian indifference. She didn’t care if he was the most powerful being in all the universes, so long as his existence made Carter feel bad then in her eyes he was less important than the dirt beneath her heel.

“Maybe we shouldn’t meet with them.” He started as they walked ever closer to the agreed meeting spot. “We can say I came down with the flu or something and couldn’t make it- I’m sure they’d understand.”

Parker sighed and stopped them. They were just about to the edge of the clearing and definitely past the point of no return.

“Carter, you know I’ll back you up whatever you decide, but you wanted to do this to help take some of the work off dad’s plate. It’s gotten a little over our heads I’ll admit but we shouldn’t lose focus just because there’s some uppity knight who thinks he can talk to trees better than you can.”

“Who’s uppity?” Came a robust voice only a few yards ahead of them. Parker was proud of herself for not jumping right out of her skin in surprise, but she put that aside to reach for Carter’s hand when she noticed he had grown pale in response.

Before them were four figures (each she learned through research was a ‘general’ of the guard and a master of a respective elemental magic). The one who spoke, who she could only assume was Fionn, was a near-perfect physical specimen, if your type was golden and sculpted. The other man hung towards the back, also handsome and tall, but with darker features and enormous wings. He looked like someone took an angel and gave him levels of romanticized angst that teenagers could only dream about.

The other two were women, and couldn’t look more different if they tried. One stood rigidly at Fionn’s side, a statuesque beauty but looking like she’d rather be anywhere else. And the other was slight, possibly even shorter than Parker, with almond eyes and a bright smile as she waved at them both.

“I think she’s talking about you of course.” The smaller one said, giving Fionn an impish grin.

“...she wouldn’t necessarily be wrong.” The other woman said (making Parker immediately like her).

“Fionn.” He said, stepping forward to introduce himself, hand extended and grin that said he was entirely too sure of himself. They shook politely.

“I’m Parker and this is my brother, Carter. I trust Robin informed you of our situation?”

“He did yeah...” he said, rubbing his chin casually (and setting off Parker’s internal alarm bells that he was set on toying with them). “But the thing is, I’m a very busy man. There are plenty of full-blooded fae out there who would swim through a river of silver to have me show them the ropes.”

Parker glanced at Carter and nearly saw red. his eyes were fixed on the ground and he was biting his lip; He wasn’t pale and nervous anymore, he was ashamed. As much as she wanted to walk away or chew him out right there, this was still a high-ranking member of the Seelie court and the cousin of their father’s friend. If she was going to get an apology from him (and she would), then it had to be worked for.

“You doubt his ability?”

“I just need a demonstration to see where we need to start from is all- I said I would assist and I’m a man of my word.”

“Almost too many...” Parker muttered darkly, words slipping out before she could catch them.

“What was that?”

Shit.

“Well, you said a lot about your time and importance, but how do we know you’re in a position to train Carter?”

“I’ll have you know I have mastered complete command of all botanical and earth-related magic for longer than your ancestors have been around.”

“And I’ll have you know that my brother is more talented than anyone I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m sure he is talented as much as he can be, but let’s face it- you are just a human so how much can you have seen?”

“You know what- you seem so sure in this-“ “I am.” “So it would be no issue for you to prove it.” “None at all.” “So what do you say to a friendly spar?” “Oh please-“ “and if I win, you have to take back what you said.” “You!? Well IF you can land any hit I’d be glad to do so. But what do I get out of this?” “Well IF you’re able to prove to me you’re just as powerful as you say you are- I’d be happy to admit you’re the better fae.”

With that same smug grin as before, he extended his hand in acceptance. As Parker reached to shake it, Carter and the other’s voices rang out to try and stop them; saying that they were being immature/had nothing to prove.

“STAY OUT OF THIS.” They both yelled in unison before snapping their attention back to each other as they shook hands in agreement. Parker walked a ways away (to what she assumed would be the edge of their ‘arena’) and collected her thoughts.

She had been trained for this- not just taking down guys four times her size (thanks to Joe for insisting on a combat-focused regimen), but taking down their power.

Remembering her training with Louise and Rae, she calmed her heart rate, stilled her breath, found where her own power lay within her (dormant and hungry and so different and misplaced compared to anything else), and reached.

It was satisfyingly easy, to feel Fionn’s own power (vibrant and green- he wasn’t boasting about how powerful he was), and to cloak it. Like snuffing out a candle from a person who thought it was the sun. So long as she maintained focus on that, she’d have the upper hand.

‘Alright, hard part over.’ She thought as she moved into a defensive stance, telegraphing that he would have to make the first move in this fight. And he did, coming at her slow and obvious- letting her know that she wasn’t even worth the effort of pretending he wasn’t taking it easy. Parker just added that to the pile of mistakes and assumptions he was making.

It was an easy strike to deflect and even easier to move away from. She debated the risk of continuing on with this pattern until he grew tired, but something told her his stamina would outlast hers. No she would need to end this soon.

She was quick, but Fionn was able to keep up. Parrying every potential hit with an ease that came from centuries of practice, and always gentle. Batting her fists away like they were flies, redirecting any kick like they were dancing. He might have been able to physically keep time with her, his patience couldnt.

She saw the exact moment when it happened- when Fionn attempted to use his powers and couldn’t. A look, half wild panic and half unfiltered rage, clouded his blue eyes as he realized exactly who was responsible and what she was capable of.

‘Perfect- now we can finally start.’

He came at her then, no longer holding back or staying still, and a terrible and deep part of Parker was thrilled at it. At finally being challenged, at reaching that point where it was all instinct; where she got her best results.

Soon enough they were both heaving and dizzy from the effort- but still without a clear winner. Parker had taken a few blows, but that was expected, and nothing that had made her yield.

Finally, she saw an opening- after stepping to the side he didn’t follow fast enough and his back was to her. She seized the opportunity and made to strike, but realized too late that it was exactly what he wanted her to do.

Before she could blink, Parker found herself pinned to the ground, winded from the force of it. But if he expected her to admit defeat at this point then that would be his mistake. Just because she couldn’t move her limbs did not mean she couldn’t win.

Thrusting her head forward she was able to catch him off guard with a headbutt, unfortunately her angle wasn’t perfect and a balloon of pain burst across her face where she was sure she had broken her nose. Thankfully, her gambit had paid off and Fionn had fallen back in a daze.

For a long moment nothing happened, with both of them holding their faces in an attempt to regain their bearings.

“Okay...” Fionn said, voice sounding tired but not nearly as winded or hurt as Parker hoped. “I yield. You made your point and got a solid hit in... I’m sorry.”

“Yeah...” She sighed in agreement. “I yield too. Although I’m not apologizing.”

“You don’t need to.” He groaned as he pulled her up to stand. “I am fully able to admit I was in the wrong here. I took your lineage as an indicator for talent and made assumptions.”

Parker was suddenly swept up in a crushing hug as Carter finally reached her.

“Dammit Park, dont ever do something like that again no matter how badass it is! Just look at your nose- what is dad going to say?”

“Whatever he’d like, but I think he’s going to be more preoccupied with the news that Carter is going to get the training he needs.” Fionn jumped in, clapping a friendly hand on Carter’s shoulder, The ‘cocky asshole’ impression now fully gone. “You’ve gotta let me in on how you were able to override my power. I’ve never felt anything like it.”

“Oh well Parker can nullify fae-magic. It’s her own special ‘thing’.” Carter offered as everyone else drew closer, speaking to them as if they were new friends. It brought Parker back to when they were in highschool and her twin was able to fit in wherever he went, able to make everyone feel like they were part of the ‘cool kids’.

“Nah, I felt that immediately. I’m talking about when halfway through and it slipped- I still tried to reach out. I commanded the trees to intervene and restrain her but... nothing.”

“Oh!” Carter began to look sheepish at that. “I, uh, kinda asked them not to? It’s just- I really wanted Parker to win.”

The surprised and silent smiles that each of them grew made the fight (and broken nose) absolutely worth it to Parker. Granted she hadn’t been aware her control had slipped, but having Carter there more than made up for it.

“Carter... it is going to be a genuine honor to train you.”

[holy-hyuck]

Babysitter for Two

When you ask your boyfriend’s help in helping you take care of your cousin, you don’t expect to have to take care of him too.

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x Reader

Word Count: 2.6k

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None

You struggled to keep everything in your hands as you searched for the ringing phone in one of your pockets, eventually setting the bowl of food and your drink down on a table.

"Yes?" you said into the speaker once you fished the device out.

"(Y/n), could you do me a huge favour?" Your uncle's voice rang on the other side. "I have to interview someone in an hour and Lu's nanny bailed out on me. Would you be so kind and look after her whilst I'm gone?"

Your face lit up at the mention of your little cousin.

"Of course," you replied. "Just let me eat something and I'll be on my way."

"Thank you so much. You're an angel."

"I know," you joked, hanging up as you grabbed your food yet again and ate it in a rush, not wanting to make your uncle wait too long.

You slipped on your shoes and locked the house. On your way to your uncle's house, which was only twenty minutes away, you dialled Hyunjin's number. You saw each other just the other day but you knew you'd eventually get bored looking after a toddler that would sleep most of the time.

You explained the situation and asked if he wanted to spend the day with you. Remembering your uncle also had a dog, he immediately agreed, saying he will leave the dorms soon.

You walked at a fast pace, saving yourself five minutes of walking when you finally arrived at your destination. Your uncle barely had time to hug you in gratitude as he ran to his car, explaining quickly everything you needed to know - though you were no stranger to looking after Lu, so you knew most of these things anyway.

You told him goodbye, taking the baby into your hands and petting the golden retriever that ran to your feet. Then, you put on some music, knowing your cousin loved when you played it.

When Hyunjin was near your house, he asked you to stand in front of it because he didn't want to knock on a stranger's door, so you took Lu into your arms and waited for your boyfriend outside.

He came up to you with a smile on his face, giving you a sweet kiss on the cheek. All he was wearing was a white t-shirt with a hoodie over it but he still managed to blow you away. He took Lu's finger in his and cooed over how cute she looked.

Eventually, you made your way inside the house, and just when you were about to talk to Hyunjin, he spotted your uncle's dog and immediately dropped to his knees, extending out his hands.

The animal licked his palms, then lay on its back as Hyunjin started petting him and you were left with the baby in your hands, watching your boyfriend act like a baby himself.

Still amused, you wandered around the kitchen, trying to find some baby food. Once you have, you put Lu in her chair and started feeding her, the whole process going rather smoothly. Hyunjin paid no attention to either one of you, consumed with the animal, which didn't even surprise you.

Feeding Lu made a downright mess in the living room, which was expected. Still, you hated having to clean up after her. Whilst being the only actual downside to looking after her (because even calming her down when she was crying proved no real difficulties), it single-handedly made you dread her feeding time.

Nevertheless, you couldn't help but smile when she flashed you her nearly-toothless grin. After all the fiasco, as per usual, she became sleepy, but putting her to sleep usually took some time despite that fact. With the TV playing in the background and Hyunjin sprawled out on the couch with your uncle's dog, it took more time than usual for Lu to fall into slumber.

"Ugh," you groaned, trying to lull the baby. "Can't you, I don't know, call Woojin or something?"

Hyunjin's face contorted in confusion. "Why?"

"To sing Lu to sleep," you replied as if it was an obvious answer. "Unless..." You looked at him expectantly.

"No, na-ah. I can rap her to sleep if you want to..?"

You rolled your eyes lightly. "No thanks." You sighed, placing the baby in Hyunjin's arms as you rummaged through a box for a small toy Lu loved. You finally fished out the stuffed giraffe, turning around in triumph only to find the child peacefully snoring in your boyfriend's arms.

"What?" you muttered under your breath. "Was it really that easy?"

Though looking back on it, Hyunjin's face had just something about it that put even you at peace; it wasn't that surprising the baby fell asleep in his arms.

Sometimes all you really needed when you were particularly stressed out - whether that'd be from school, family, or life in general - was Hyunjin. Just looking at him could bring you back to the norm. It sounded silly when you thought about it like that, but he really was your anchor; he kept you grounded and proved to be a blessing on more than one occasion. You couldn't have asked for a better person to be in your life.

You felt a blush rising on your cheeks as you thought of this, shaking your head to bring yourself back into reality.

"I'll take it from here. Thanks," you said, somewhat awkwardly, as you took Lu from his arms and put her in her crib, located in her room on the upper floor.

Away from Hyunjin for a minute, you fanned your face with your hand, feeling stupid and embarrassed at the same time. You didn't want Hyunjin to question your blushing face, and eventually finding out he was the reason for it.

Looking in the mirror, once you made sure your face was back to its original colour, you made your way to where your boyfriend was, back to playing with the dog.

Despite rolling your eyes at the scene, your heart warmed at the sight, and you were quick to join them, picking up a remote on the way and throwing yourself onto the couch. You switched on the first best thing, just looking for a distraction because there was nothing you really wanted to do, besides maybe cuddling with Hyunjin, but you didn't want to ask.

He was still somewhat shy with you (and let's be honest, you were, too) and in reality, you were just really bored, leaving the house not being an option.

You tried not to look at the clock but every five minutes your gaze fell upon the slow-moving arrows and you fought the urge to groan and throw something at it. You were hoping it was broken, but the time displayed on your phone was the same.

It's been an hour and no more than a few sentences were exchanged between you and Hyunjin. You weren't tired but you'd gladly go to bed if that meant killing time. With Lu asleep, Hyunjin scrolling through his phone and the dog asleep next to the two of you, there was not a thing for you to do.

You had resulted in scrolling through your phone as well, except there was nothing interesting in it. The TV played a bird documentary, which wasn't even that boring, but nowhere nearly as fascinating as all the things you had in mind.

You weren't sure why Hyunjin wasn't initiating a conversation but clearly, the mood wasn't there, and when you glanced at his phone, you saw him texting Seungmin about schoolwork, and knew you were out of that topic. The two of you attended different schools, having met through mutual friends.

Just when you were about to snap and ask for him to pay attention to you (since that's mainly why you invited him - to spend time with you), you heard Lu's soft cries and you rushed upstairs, going to see what was wrong.

Since she needed a changing, that's what you did, pondering over what to do now. It would still be at least another three hours before your uncle came back and you had absolutely no intention of going back to that bird documentary.

Finally making up your mind, you dressed Lu up in some warmer clothing, taking her toy and bringing out a pushchair, deciding that Hyunjin had no other choice but to go outside with you. You took some snacks and put the dog on a leash, all ready to go, whilst Hyunjin took the hint (and all the vague cues you shouted at him as you were rushing around the living room) and put on his shoes.

Perhaps because of the weather outside, but you felt a change in the mood and the way to the park was spent conversing, any moment of silence muffled by the light breeze and rustling of leaves. Once you got there, you saw that it was filled with parents with children, maybe a dog or two, but it was a lot less occupied than it would normally be, providing for a nice atmosphere.

Now the only thing you needed was for someone to make it awkward, because why not.

"Hey Hyunjin, (y/n)!" a classmate of yours exclaimed as she ran up to the both of you, giving the dog a friendly pat on the head on the way. "Hello, lovely," she (as has everyone else) cooed at the toddler in the pushchair.

Hyunjin gave her a wave and you just smiled at her, waiting for the short talk to start soon so it could finish sooner, and you could continue with your stroll.

"Oh my goodness, she's absolutely adorable. Is she yours?"

The question caught you off guard, no doubt. You were still a teen after all, which, as your classmate, she knew.

"Umm..."

"Of course not, silly me!" You assumed her use of language was because of the baby since her voice naturally wasn't as sweet or high-pitched. "I bet you would make cute babies. And you'd be a great parent!" she told you, petted the dog, then disappeared as if nothing happened.

Hyunjin scratched the back of his head as you tried to look anywhere but at him, but you could see the smile forming on his face from the corner of your eyes.

"Hyunjin!" you reprimanded him, slapping his arm but that just made him release the laugh he'd been holding.

Although you tried to refrain from it, you couldn't help but laugh too, trudging further along the path to move away from your boyfriend and not let him know.

Time flew by and you didn't even notice, too busy enjoying yourself. Who would have thought you could have fun taking care of a child.

Sitting on a bench, the pushchair next to you, you took out a notebook and started scribbling down. Every once in a while, you took a look at Lu, but she was deep in her slumber, the laughter of children around you a sweet lullaby. Hyunjin was playing with the dog somewhere in the distance, on a hill not too far away from where you were, but his figure was still a blur. You could only hear his giggles every few seconds, signifying that he was having fun.

You shook your head as you watched Hyunjin roll down the grassy hill, laughing his head off when he finally came to a halt, and went back to writing in your notebook, wondering who was the child in this trio.

Lost in the words you were putting down on the page, you were brought back to reality with a hissing sound coming out of your boyfriend's mouth as he limped over to where you were, the dog's head already on your lap, waiting for you to pet him.

As you did so, you furrowed your eyebrows, your eyes travelling up and down Hyunjin's form to find the cause of the grimace adorning his features, and they finally landed on the hole in his jeans, blood staining the edges of the ripped denim.

You refrained yourself from sighing in exasperation at the sight of your boyfriend, instead opting for closing your notebook and putting it away.

"What did you do now?" you asked, although you already figured it out.

"Ah, nothing," he said, wincing slightly as his hand ran over the wound.

You slapped his hand away. "Don't touch it!" you reprimanded him, sighing. "Let's just go home now and treat it."

On the way home, you noticed Hyunjin wasn't concentrated on where he was going, even though his face was facing the ground. On multiple occasions, he swerved off the sidewalk and you had to grab his sleeve to pull him back so that he wouldn't walk onto the street.

He was also paler than he was this morning, so when you came back home and he complained of a sore throat, you knew the reason.

Passing him a thermometer, you went to the kitchen to make him some tea. You soaked a towel in water and went back to Hyunjin, dabbing the scratch on his leg until the blood came off, then dried it and applied a plaster onto the skin.

Taking the thermometer from him, you grimaced as you looked at the reading. "No fever, but you're really close. I'm making you tea; just lie down for now and tell me if you need anything."

From a cupboard, you took out lozenges, as well as some strawberries for Lu, and gave them to the pair in the living room. Hyunjin looked worse than he had just a minute ago, in whichever way that was possible, perhaps because now he was sprawled across the couch, hugging the blanket for dear life, and you and him both knew there was no way he'd find the strength to get up again.

You made him as comfortable as possible, running back and forth between him and Lu to somehow take care of both of them.

You heard glass shattering and looked at Hyunjin groaning at the cup of steaming tea he just spilled, breaking the glass in the process as it fell off the table. You couldn't be mad at him even if you tried, so you cleaned everything up, his apologies passing through your head, and made him another cup of the beverage.

His muscles ached, the headache and hot flushes he was experiencing making him forget about the scratch on his leg, which seemed insignificant in comparison. Hyunjin curled up into a ball, dreading having to leave in the evening because obviously, he couldn't stay at your uncle's house forever, but his drooping eyelids argued with that thought.

Receiving a call from your uncle, you went to the hallway to answer it. All he said was that he would be home soon, and when you told him about Hyunjin's sickness, he offered to drop him off. You thanked him, relief flooding through you.

You walked into the living room to find Hyunjin fast asleep, his breathing shallow, the dog cuddled up next to him and Lu dozing off at the other end of the couch. A smile graced your face and, as tired as it was, it was full of happiness too.

You sat down, not fully realising how exhausted you were until your back pressed against the cushions, thanking for the relief, and a satisfying feeling spread through your muscles. Soon, unable to help your own eyelids from closing, you joined the other three.

[1dffexchange]

One Thing Lead to Another

To: Emma @ninetyfovr​

From: Vanessa @halfwaygones​

Summary: Ellie Frost might have a secret crush on Harry Styles, but it’s not like she ever expected him to reciprocate the feeling. In fact, she was completely fine with being alone. Her mom always did say man equal trouble - and Harry Styles should come with a warning sign.

a story about slow burn crushes, trust issues and how a phone switch can bring two people together

O C T O B E R

I have a little bit of a crush on Harry Styles. I was brought to that conclusion on a bright sunny day about a year ago, when I couldn’t stop smiling after he left. I could lie to you about it, as I do to my friend Amy, who asks me about him every two days. But I reckon we should make that clear from the start.

It isn’t like I planned it. I swear it just happened. In fact, if we’re going to blame someone, we should blame him. The guy is just too nice – and handsome – for his own good. Also, it was him who walked into Memory Lane like it was the most natural thing in the world, like he had been coming into this very vintage store since he was little and was just making yet another visit.

Let me tell something, he hadn’t. Because if he had, I’d known. And if I knew, I wouldn’t have been taken by surprise and acted like a fool.

Memory Lane is my aunt’s pride and joy. She opened the store when she was thirty years old, with a toddler to care for and no job in sight. Even though I’m not exactly great at sharing my feelings, I’ve always admired her for having the courage to do something by herself, with no guarantee it would work out and, if we’re honest, a very high risk of failure. Fortunately, she was successful and now, twenty years later, she’s thrilled to have me help out on afternoons so she can take care of her grandson, Max (who’s the happiest and cutest child in earth and, also, my godson).

Right. Back to Harry.

What I mean is, if he had been coming in, my aunt would’ve told me. She’s a huge X Factor fan and has known about him since he was on it. Also, Danny Jones from McFLY once came in and she talked about that day for months, repeating over and over again how awesome it was that her store had the same name as one of their songs. I already knew that, as my first concert was one of theirs, so I just pretended to be surprised for as long as I could to keep her enthusiasm going. The point is, she would have raved about it and I would have been prepared.

Instead, on that rainy day in early 2016, I had my nose buried in a book and a pencil pressed hard to my forehead (I know that for sure because that’s what I do when I’m one-hundred percent focused on my studying) for about fifteen minutes before I realized there was someone else in the store. Granted, I only noticed because he cleared his throat to get my attention. When I looked up, he was closer than expected and I was startled for a second, which resulted in a frightened little jump, an oh sound, and my pencil falling on the floor with a loud thud. Harry was too nice to laugh at me, apologizing instead for being too quiet (that’s what I mean when I say nice), and I probably blushed as red as humanly possible. I don’t even think my reaction had anything to do with his celebrity status. No, it was honestly because he was the most gorgeous human being I had ever laid my poor eyes on and, thus, I wasn’t prepared for the impact.

Oblivious to my racing heart, Harry proceeded to ask me if we happened to have any old Rolling Stones tour t-shirts and I could have cried when I told him we didn’t. He didn’t seem too bothered, though, and proceeded to wander around the store, telling me one of his friends had recommended Memory Lane and he was glad they did. I probably muttered something affirmative (which I do not have any memory of) and he found a few knick knacks to buy. That day, he said goodbye with a smile and I probably didn’t say a coherent sentence until the day after.

That was how my little infatuation began and, to be honest, I didn’t even notice until I realized I was looking forward to seeing him again. A few months later, after following him on Instagram and half believing he wouldn’t ever come back, I found a t-shirt from The Rolling Stones 1975’s tour of the americas and saved it religiously anyway, just in case.

With a recent haircut, Harry came back to Memory Lane five months later, when my hope had long died.

I should have known by then, that he keeps coming back when I least expect him to.

&&

Today’s not a good day.

It all started with a pink sweater. I’m not a wear pink on wednesdays kind of girl, but when October 3rd falls on a Wednesday, how can you not make it a thing? Even if only to instagram it and make your little cousin think you’re the coolest (which she definitely already thinks, so I need to keep it up). My baby pink sweater was, then, set to be worn since last week - it was planned, it was decided, it was like the rest of my wardrobe didn’t even exist. So, when I put it on this morning and saw the huge stain on my left sleeve, I wanted to cry. I honestly still don’t know how it got there.

Then, with my red sweater on and ready to leave the flat, my weather app told me the probability of rain was 5%. Now, I think you can agree when I say that’s low - the leave-the-umbrella-home kind of low. Unfortunately, my blonde hair was soaked and sticking to my face before I even got to the subway.

Finally, when I got home from my thesis meeting, more than ready to take a warm bath, the first thing I noticed was Honey - the little puppy I got not even a month ago - hadn’t ran to me. She was not in her grey bed next to the couch (her usual spot) and her food was still in her bowl (a huge warning sign). With my heart threatening to jump out of my chest, I found her curled on my side of bed, whining when she spotted me on the door. Now, maybe she was just having an off day like me, but she hadn’t been acting like her playful self the night before either. With a sigh, I called my aunt and asked if I could take the puppy with me to the store, promising she would behave nicely. If I’m completely honest, I don’t think she was thrilled - but she said yes nevertheless.

¨

Now, a few hours later, I let out a tired breath, thanking God I’m fifteen minutes away from closing up. I’m still in a bit of a mood since this morning, so having to make small talk to each client this afternoon tired me down more than any other day. It also doesn’t help that Memory Lane is now a stopping spot for every damn tourist. Truth is, I only have myself to blame and, even though I normally beam with pride, today it makes me even madder. Between decorating the store in a new style every month and creating the most aesthetically pleasing Instagram for it (it had a few thousand followers within a couple of weeks and they’re still rapidly growing), the number of customers keeps on increasing.

I’m organizing a pile of books in the front when Honey whimpers from the back room where I left her with a toy. She’s been like this all afternoon, so I stop what I’m doing (once more) and go behind the counter, opening up the door that leads to a tiny office and letting her come to me. She takes a few seconds but then decides to come out. Recognizing I’m probably done for the day, I kneel so I can reach my dog properly, petting her head softly. “What’s going on with you, love?” I whisper, letting her crawl into my lap for a cuddle. I let out a giggle, deciding it’s probably better to finish the book pile after closing up for the day anyway.

Needless to say, I’m less than pleased when I hear the door open a few minutes later.

I let them wander around for a bit as I need to recharge enough energy to put yet another smile on my face. Despite feeling irritated towards anything that moves, I’m also feeling worry as I’ve never felt before. This new-found responsibility I have for this tiny being in my lap was overwhelming from the start but seeing her slightly sick is not doing wonders for my well-being either. I just want to go to the vet and put all my worries to rest.

I sigh, rubbing her belly one last time. “C’mon now, I’ll be with you in a second.” I whisper, giving her a little kiss and placing her down. She turns her face slightly to the left as if she’s begging me not to go. 

Damn dog.

It takes all in me to take my eyes off her soft golden hair - I look up, only to see a grinning face peeking through the counter.

“God, you scared me,” I hiss, taking my right hand to my chest. “We’ve gotta stop meeting like this!”

“Sorry, sorry” Harry damn Styles chuckles, pausing as I get myself on my feet. Wearing a grey sweater and an orange beanie on his head, he leans on the counter carelessly, as if he’s been in that spot his whole life (while I know for a fact he hasn’t visited us for a few months). He has an amused expression on and, just like that, I feel my heartbeat increase its pace. “I was wondering where you were and then I heard you - I see you finally got yourself a puppy!” He recalls a previous conversation, when I mentioned I was thinking about getting a dog. I smile and we both look at the little one, now sitting and looking up to both of us.

“Yes, I got her a few weeks ago.” I smile, thinking back on the day I took her home with me; my house is a lot less lonely now I have her there with me. “She’s not even three months old. Do you want to meet her?”

“Of course,” Harry drops his phone on the counter and makes his way around it quickly. “What’s her name?”

“Honey.” I grin, kneeling down next to him. “Honey, this is Harry - he’s nice so please don’t bite him.”

Harry laughs and takes her in his arms. Honey immediately lies her head on his leg and closes her eyes, sighing softly when Harry pets her head. “Uh, are you sure she bites?”

“I know it’s hard to believe when she’s like that,” I acknowledge my dog’s perfect behaviour. I blame it on whatever’s bugging her lately, because I know for sure that, on a normal day, she’d be biting on his hand by now. “But lets just say her definition of playing and biting is still a little mixed up. She does like to cuddle in the evenings, though, which is great.”

“I mean, it’s hard to imagine her biting me when she’s like this.” Harry laughs, adjusting himself so he’s sitting with his back to the wall. In this new position, he can face me properly. “Is it like you imagined? You seemed really excited last time we talked.”

“It’s better,” I murmur, adjusting my own back so it hits the wooden door behind me. “She makes great company.”

“I imagine she does.” Harry agrees. “My sister has a cat. She told me it made her house feel more like a home.”

“I agree, especially because I’m here by myself. What ‘bout you? Ever thought of getting a pet?”

“I think about it sometimes,” he answers, dropping his eyes to Honey for a second. “It’d probably be nice. But I travel a lot, it wouldn’t be the best.”

“Oh,” I suddenly remember who I’m talking to. “Yeah.”

I stop there, though, because even though we’re sitting on this floor and he’s petting my dog, I wouldn’t say Harry and I are friends and I certainly don’t feel comfortable in exploring the restrictions his job imposes on him.

He’s always been nice, but we only got talking by his third visit to the store and that was because my aunt was here. I was too startled on his first visit and, then, too shy on his second. But my aunt’s above his charm, so she rapidly pulled him into an hour conversation about his favourite old items to collect, Nick Grimshaw (I told you she’s aware of Harry) and the good things that come from fame. Fortunately, a few minutes in, I broke out of my shell and was able to put my two cents in their discussion, so Harry learned a few things about me too (how I moved to London in 2014 and how I’m studying Interior Design).

My aunt was obviously an ice breaker and, for that, I’m thankful. The fourth time, Harry started the conversation asking me more about my aunt and how the store started; we spent a good half an hour talking about her. By then, I was felt confident enough to ask him how he had been doing – he was on tour (in fact, he had done a show in London the night before) and he was tired, but it was all good. He returned the favour and I told him the course was doing my head in but it’d all be fine. His last visit had been three months ago. After I broke out of my shell again, we had chatted about the tv series we’d been watching and I mentioned my desire to have a puppy.

So, yes, we’ve had conversations about life in general, but we aren’t friends.

“Anyway,” I change the subject; after all, my aunt doesn’t pay me to sit on the floor with the customers. “I’m sure you didn’t come in just to meet my puppy. What’re you looking for today?”

“Hm, I was just passing by and decided to look around.” He gets himself up, with Honey now curled up in his arm, and shows me what he brought to the counter. I didn’t even notice he had something else with him. “You outdid yourself this time, Ellie.”

“Oh, I see you’ve found it!” I grin, looking at the Stevie Nicks shirt I saved up two weeks after he last visited. We kind of have a secret hiding place, where I put the stuff I save him and he goes there to find them (my aunt probably knows about it too, but since it technically is still up for sale, she hasn’t said anything). “It’s got a few holes on it, but I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

“You were right, I don’t.” He states, examining it for a few seconds. I can see his dimple and it’s actually improving my mood a little. “I really thought I was going to catch you off guard!”

“Truth is, I wasn’t expecting you for another few months,” I agree. “but I also like to be prepared. It’s been there for a while now.”

“Thank you.” I smile back at him when he curls his lips upwards. He drops the shirt on the counter again, still admiring it. “This is really great.”

“No need to thank me.” I shrug with ease. “My aunt, however, should give me a raise. I keep making the customers happy.”

“Oh, you do this for everyone, then?”

He’s teasing. I know he is. I roll my eyes and grin, but I also think I’m blushing a little and I hope to God he doesn’t notice. “Don’t be jealous, Harry.”

“To think I believed I was special.” Harry snickers, bending down his head to whisper something to Honey. I can’t catch exactly what he says, but it sounds a lot like “We both know she’s lying, don’t we?”.

“Nope, this store is full of hiding spots. That’s the main job here, keeping track of which is which.” I tease and he gets it, because he shakes his head and laughs.

I realize I keep smiling when he turns around and wanders around the store, one arm with Honey in it and a finger pickering on his lower lip. I decide I better make myself useful and go towards the book pile I was arranging before.

“My friend sent me your Instagram a while ago,” Harry comments from his spot, where he is admiring a decorative bicycle. “I had already noticed the store’s layout is always different, but I didn’t realize you guys do it monthly. Is it you?”

“Yeah,” I look up, catching his eye. “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Is it not anymore, then?”

I shrug. Truth be told, I love this store like it is my own but it’s hard to come up with new layouts every month when you have a considerable amount of course work to do. “It’s still exciting but it’s not as easy to conciliate with school as it was before. It’ll be even harder when I start my internship next year.”

“I’m sure Elena will understand.” He refers to my aunt. “If it means anything, you’re doing a great job. It definitely keeps people interested.”

I smile. “Thanks.”

“I was talking to my friend the other day and we both agree this is one of the best vintage stores in London,” He adds. “Your aunt just has the best eye.”

“I’ll be sure to pass that on.” I nod, agreeing with his point.

“She once told me she makes a lot of buying trips, does she still do that?”

I nod. “Yeah, she’ll just look out for the most random stuff and bring it back to England.”

“That’s so cool.”

Honey whimpers on his arms, interrupting our conversation, and I bite my lip, immediately feeling my lips turn into a frown. Harry looks down at her and then looks at me. “I don’t think she’s been feeling alright today.” I offer with a sad smile. “Might have to visit the vet, actually.”

He looks down at his watch quickly. “Is it still open?”

“It closes at eight. It’s not even seven yet, right?” I confirm the time on my phone. I realize there’s two white iPhones with pink cases on the counter and I bring mine a little to the side (I also smile because hey, we both have great taste).

“It’s past your closing time, isn’t it? ’m the worst.” He seems to decide he won’t look for anything else this evening, coming back towards the counter and handing me the t-shirt. “I’ll take this, then. I’ll come back another day for more.”

“You can look around now, I don’t mind.”

“No, of course not. You have to go check out what’s happening with this little babe,” I accept Honey when he hands her over to me so he can find his wallet. “That’s the priority here.”

“I do.” I keep her in my arms and give Harry his bag, making sure I don’t need to give him any change. “Thank you.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you,” he nods to the bag, a smile on his face. “Well, I’m staying in England for a bit so I’ll see you soon, Ellie.” He pets Honey on her forehead on last time and goes to the door. “Oh, bye Honey.” He turns as if he can’t believe he forgot the other being in the room, waving slightly.

“Bye Harry.” I say in a weird voice, saying goodbye with Honey’s paw.

Harry laughs before closing the door behind him.

¨

I know something’s wrong when my thumb doesn’t immediately unlock my phone after I finish tidying everything up. I’m distracted with Honey, though, so it takes me an extra couple of seconds to realize the screensaver I’m looking at isn’t mine. Instead of the picture I took last Sunday of my puppy with a cute pink bandana on, I’m staring at Harry Styles holding a baby.

My mind goes blank for a second before realization hits me - Harry just took the wrong phone.

I press my thumb again, as if this phone will miraculously turn back into mine. What does one do in this situation? I run towards the front door, even though Harry has been gone for, at least, fifteen minutes. I look to both sides of the street, looking for a black Range Rover (he had been driving one last time I saw him). Unsurprisingly, I don’t see anything, so I go back inside.

The phone is locked, but I can see he has his data turned on, so I try calling Siri out and, fortunately, she responds. Unlike all the other times I’ve talked to Siri, I go straight to business. I don’t remember if Siri calls a number if you dictate it, but I try it anyway and, within seconds, I’m ringing myself.

I wait for a few seconds before someone picks up. “’ello?” It’s him.

“Harry?” I grab the phone with both hands. “Uh, it’s Ellie, from Memory Lane!” I add, just in case he needs the reference. “I think- I think we just switched phones?”

“We did?” He seems confused. He probably didn’t use his phone until now, and he wouldn’t have notice he has the wrong phone with an incoming call since I never changed the iPhone’s predefined ringtone.

“I noticed we had the same case earlier so I moved my phone closer to the cash register but, uh, I guess you didn’t notice and grabbed mine instead of yours.” I try to explain, even though he might think I did it on purpose. I mean, could he think that? Did he know me enough to know I would never do something like that? “I was going to call the vet and noticed this wasn’t my screensaver.”

“I have two phones, I use the pink one for work stuff – I was talking to a producer when I came into the store.” I think he’s relieving his steps as a way of understanding how this could have happened. “How are you calling me- well, I mean, you, right now?”

“I used Siri to call my number.” I explain. “Smart, eh?”

He laughs. “Indeed. I guess you need your phone back?”

I’m nodding even though he can’t see me. “Please tell me you’re still close?”

He pauses and I just know he’s not anywhere near Memory Lane anymore. “Actually… I’m heading home to Holmes Chapel for a week or two.” What? I try to conceal my feelings, but I swear he notices a change in my breathing because he rushes to calm me. “I could drive back but I still have three hours to go, mum would probably be asleep by the time I got there.” He seems to stop to think while I nervously bite my nails. “Hm, would you mind using mine for a bit, maybe?”

“But- what about you?”

“I have two, I won’t need that one. I’ll keep yours safely and, since I’m the one halfway to Manchester now, you’ll use mine? Does that sound okay to you?”

“I mean… that’s fine, yeah, but- are you sure you’re okay with me going through your phone? I mean, ‘m not going to snoop around but I’d still be using it.”

“I have some pictures in there and, yeah, some song ideas… hm, I think the apps are locked for precaution.” He makes a pause, as if he’s just now thinking of the implications that come from me using his phone. “I’ll ask you not to listen. But I believe I know you enough to know you won’t be selling those to tabloids, even if you do listen to them. So, do you want my passcode or not?”

“Are you sure?” I ask again because this phone suddenly feels like it weights five extra pounds. “I can drive up there to get mine, if you want.”

“You’re insane,” he shuts my idea down right away. “That’d take you all night. You’re going to put my passcode in, call your vet and use my phone for a few days, alright?”

I consider asking again if he’s sure, but I need the phone and he doesn’t seem keen on turning back to sort this all out. So I hang up and type the four zeros he tells me to. I’m met with yet another picture, this time of a crowd.

I sigh, hoping to God Amy does not text me before I do. She asks on a daily basis if Harry’s come over and, even though I laugh each time and tell her to bugger off, I don’t want him to see that. Then again, I also don’t want Amy to know I have Harry’s phone as she would make it a thing.

I don’t want this to be a thing.

So, I cross my fingers and hope for the best.

&&

I’m snuggled up on my couch with Honey’s nose on my neck when the phone buzzes on the coffee table where I deliberately put it. I decided over dinner that distance was best. Even though I logged off his Whatsapp without even a little glimpse at any of his conversations (and, let me tell you, he had been talking to Chris Martin that morning), as well as his Instagram and e-mail, and switched them all up to mine, there’s still some dangerous stuff on that device I’m not ready to see.

For instance, the gallery. Eventually, I’ll have to take a photo and, then, go to the album to see it. The thing is, I’m afraid there’ll be all kinds of personal photos. So right now, distance is best. It’s cute to have a crush when you don’t know the person; it gets weird when you suddenly are close to them.

Except now it’s buzzing and I have to check if it’s something important. Honey’s asleep on me so I try not to move too much while I gather it from the white surface.

Hiiiii, did you make it to the vet? - H

Now, the plan was to get away from him. Not to start texting. I look up to the ceiling as if asking God why is this happening to me. He could test me all He wanted, though, because when I make my mind up, I generally act accordingly – and this crush on Harry has to end tonight.

Hi. Yes, I have! It’s an otitis in a very early stage, she’ll be fine in a few days

That’s great! You must be relieved, uh?

Yes!!

Did I look as worried as I felt?

Probably more, I thought you were gonna start crying when she cried

I’m sorry

She’s like my baby, i can’t deal with her being sick

Hopefully she’ll be fine soon

The vet said to give it a week max

You got home safe, then?

Yeah, thanks. Just sitting with my mom now

That must be nice!

Def feels good to be back for a bit

A friend of yours texted you earlier

Do you want me to turn your phone off?

Amy? I type as I close my eyes in fear.

That’s her

She asked “Did he come in today?”

Oh, I’m sorry

Turn the phone off please

Now

Hahaha ok, it’s done

So… was that important?

Were you waiting for someone?

No, not really

Anyway, I’m going to bed now

g’night harry!

Night Ellie x

&&

I’m watching last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy when the phone buzzes next to me. Honey lifts her head slightly, eyeing me before giving up and going back to resting it on my leg. She’s much better now, which makes me much more relaxed to leave her alone when I go to work.

I already suspect it to be Harry, since he’s been texting me every day. Initially, he’d ask me about Honey and then the conversation progressed from that. However, it has been a week and yesterday I told him she was biting me every morning which had to mean she was completely fine so, today, he opted to ask if my thesis had been delivered on time (I’ve been stressing during the past week and it inevitably came up during our conversations) and then we talked during the day about what we were doing (he was basically living on his mom’s couch while I made small talk with foreign customers).

I don’t expect him to send two pictures, though. I zoom in the first, trying to make sense of the scrabble board I’m seeing. It was obviously taken in a second so no one would notice and I can see two blurry arms I bet belong to his mother and a hand full of rings that, judging by the perfectly manicured nails, also belongs to a woman. The second photo, naturally, are his remaining letters. They come with a Help me!!!! underneath.

I can practically hear him scream it and I let out a laugh. Honey lifts her head again and looks up at me. “Don’t look at me like that.” I eye her, petting her head for a second as I think how am I supposed to help my new found friend.

QUETZALS, I finally offer a word. If anyone asks, it’s the national bird of Guatemala

Thx

You’re a genius

No, i simply know how to use the internet

But thanks

I’m flattered you decided to ask me instead of googling it

Do you think i’m that smart?

Smarter than me yeah

You wrote sign of the times, that’s pretty smart

Ahh, thanks

Didn’t know you listened to any of my songs

Eh, just that one really

Liar

I caught you and now you don’t want to admit it

Excuse me

You haven’t ‘caught me’, i TOLD you

Also, focus on your game

I already won

My sister’s fuming

I love it

Ahahah, you’re something else, Styles

Thank you?

&&

It’s been two weeks since we’ve swapped phones. Harry texted this morning informing me he left Holmes Chapel, bringing my phone with him (which comes in handy since I’ve ran out of excuses on why I can only speak with my mom via Whatsapp and Facebook).

It’s ten to six p.m. and Harry’s nowhere to be seen. I look at my watch and sigh. I’ve been at Memory Lane since this morning and I’m dying to get out for fresh air. I’ve cleaned all that I had to clean and organized all that was out of place. I’m ready to go, but I can’t because he’s yet to make an appearance.

My aunt said I was in a weird mood this morning. I didn’t want to agree with her, but the truth is I’m finding it hard to cope with the stress that rushed over me when I delivered my course thesis last week. I’m an over-thinker, so all I do while at home is think about its presentation and how my upcoming internship is going to be like. That’s why I came in earlier to the store today (and why I’ll probably come tomorrow).

I’m applying my ‘oh yeah’ chapstick as my lips are slightly chapped due to the cold weather outside (though the slogan is ‘your daily dose of happiness’, so I’m also counting on that), when Harry decides to walk in.

“Hi!” he grins as soon as he spots me. His eyes linger for an extra second on the melon chapstick in my hand and then on my lips, settling for my light eyes as he steps towards me with open arms. I accept the quick hug he offers, noticing for the first time just how close in height we are. “All good?”

“Yes,” I nod as I take a step back. Before we go any further, however, I immediately hold out my hand suggestively. “Now, give me my phone back.”

“Jeez,” He laughs. “For a second I thought you were happy to see me.”

“I am! But I’m also dying to have my own apps and pictures back!”

“Here.” He takes it from his jacket’s pocket and places it on my open palm. “Now, mine.”

I run to the counter and give him his. “I’ve deleted all the pictures I took after I e-mailed them to me. Which were majorly of Honey so it’s really your loss.”

“There’s no doubt there.” I grin, turning my phone on as he talks. I think he’s doing the same until I notice him moving to the side, “Can I have a look around?”

“Of course,” I nod. “I think I’m going to close up anyway, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

He’s looking at a few books as I turn the open sign to closed. Then, I go up to the counter and hop on it, scrolling through Honey’s photos from the last month. Sometimes I like to go through them because she was the cutest puppy when I got her. I remember a few minutes later to check on the few texts I received before I could let people know not to text me. However, I want to dig a hole and bury myself in there when I read the very first one: Amy’s text from October 3rd.

She didn’t ask me if he had come in. She texted if Harry had come in.

He read that.

I still don’t know what to do when he materializes in front of me.

“Everything alright?” I want to slap the cute frown from his face. That probably wouldn’t make me feel better but if he hadn’t lied to me, I would have sorted this mess out two weeks ago, from a distance.

“Yes, yes,” I desperately try to think of something to get his focus off of me, as I’m probably as red as an eight year old’s cheeks after being left alone with their mother’s blush. “Uh, you’re not going to look in your spot?”

He looks confused for a bit but decides to overlook my sudden nervousness. “I thought you didn’t have time to get me anything, I was trying to make you a favour!”

“I told you I like to be prepared!” I hop off the counter, almost falling on top of him on the process. He holds his hands out but I walk right past them. “I feel like this one is a big risk, though, so you can tell me the truth.”

Instead of answering me, he walks right to the corner of the store and gets on one knee to open up the desk door (my aunt will never sell that desk as she loves it so much, so I knew that was the safest thing to hide Harry’s stuff in).

“It barely fit there.” I comment as he takes the old vinyl player out. “The previous owner told us it still works, but I think it’s pretty cool even if you use it as a piece of decoration.”

“I can’t believe I’m going to lose you next January,” Harry jokes after a moment, even though I think he’s only half joking. He knows I’m going to start my internship and my hours at Memory Lane are going to drop enormously. “Look what I’m gonna be losing!”

“I’ll still be in on weekends, probably. I’ll keep hiding the good stuff and you’ll find them eventually – you just won’t see me.” I shrug. “I’ll tell you something, I almost stole that one for me.”

“Oh?” He seems surprised. “You can have it, if you want.”

“No, no.” I shake my head. “I have two already – a vintage one I got from my grandad and a recent one. That’s why I thought I’d save it for the next best person. You.”

“Aw, thank you.” He smiles big. “Also, going back to what you said - we’re friends now, so I don’t need to come up here to see you anymore. Right?” He asks as he takes the record player to the counter.

I open my mouth to say yes but I end up nodding instead. Two weeks ago, I was hoping he’d come in before January so I could see him one last time and kiss my crush goodbye. Now, an accidental phone swap after, we’re friends (and I still need to kiss that crush goodbye, preferably as quickly as possible).

I close up the cash register once he’s paid. “Do you, hm, want to grab a coffee, maybe?”

A part of me thinks I’ve heard him wrong, so I turn my head to face him. He’s now holding the record player effortlessly, his eyes locked on me as he waits for my answer. My mind goes back to that text and I wonder why he’s asking me out, or even calling me a friend. Still, I don’t feel like going home when I can spend more time with him.

“Yeah, sure.” I put the jacket on and grab my handbag. “Go ahead, I have to turn off the lights.” He does what I tell him, waiting by the door until I get there and lock everything up. “Where do you want to go?”

“My car, for starters. I need to put this bad boy on my trunk.”

“That makes sense.”

I walk behind him as he crosses the street to get to a grey Audi parked a few meters down. “Damn it, I can’t get the key while holding this.”

“Do you have them in your pocket?” I offer my help, signalling to his jacket’s left pocket (where I saw him put his wallet). “This one?” I sign to the right one when he shakes his head.

“Uh, my jeans.”

I swallow before I drag my eyes to his own. He doesn’t look bothered. In fact, he turns a little so I can access his bottom better. I’m probably two shades darker when I lift his (heavy) jacket and dig his keys out as swiftly as I can.

I mean, I barely touched his butt.

“Open the truck, please.” I do as I’m told while pretending he can’t notice my flamed cheeks. It’s a curse I’ve had to deal with since I was a child but I don’t think it’ll ever stop being awkward, so I use my long hair as a sort of shield. Within a minute, his hands are free and he’s taken the keys from my hands. “So, where do you want to go?”

“You choose.”

We let a comfortable silence settle as we walk side by side on the sidewalk. I point to two coffee shops but Harry shakes his head both times, so we end up walking for about ten minutes. I don’t know if he has a specific one in mind or if he’s just looking for a quiet space, but I’m enjoying the company so I don’t complain.

I’m thinking how I’m feeling much better since he’s appeared on the store when Harry suddenly holds my arm and points to the other side of the road. We both cross the street and I sigh when we’re taken by the warmth of the coffee shop he’s chosen.

“I made you walk quite a bit in the cold.” Even though he’s grinning, I can see the apology. “There’s just too many people everywhere.”

“That usually happens in London, yes.” I grin as I follow him to a booth in the back. “I get it, though. It’s fine.”

“Thank you.”

A waitress comes to us and I order a hot chocolate and a muffin, while Harry asks for a water.

“Didn’t you ask me out for coffee?”

“Didn’t you order a hot chocolate?”

“I don’t drink coffee,” I explain. “But hot chocolate’s acceptable. Water? Not so much.”

“Hey, don’t bully me!”

“I’m not bullying you. But I can’t believe you just asked for water.”

“Be nice to me!”

“I’m not being mean!” I laugh and he opens a big smile, shaking his head as if I’m being impossible. “Alright, let’s move on.”

“So, how’s Honey?”

“She’s great, I took her for a little walk this morning and she jumped in all the leaves she could find.”

The waiter comes back with our requests and I eagerly accept my hot chocolate. I’m sipping to test the temperature when I notice he has his phone directed up at my face. “What’re you doing?”

“I like to have pictures in my contacts,” he shrugs, turning his phone to me so I can see the picture he took. Though the mug is hiding my lips and part of my nose, the picture captures how my eyes are shinning under the lamp above us and I think my rosy cheeks give me a little more life. “You look really nice.”

My lips curve upwards and I thank him, tucking the shorter ends of my hair behind my ears. I’ve cut it a few weeks ago, thinking long bangs looked cute, but now I don’t think it’s worth it, since they keep getting in my face every. I don’t think I’m cutting them again soon.

I drink a little more, as he messes with his phone (I assume he’s setting my picture up), thinking back to the damn text Amy’s sent. I don’t want to, but I feel like I should address the issue.

“Harry?” My voice comes out low but he looks up from his phone. “Uh, I’ve read Amy’s text.” I confess, looking down at my muffin as I speak the next words. “I know she mentioned your name, not a ‘he’. I feel like I should explain that.”

“You don’t.”

“No, I do- I do.” I insist. It’s not like I want to have this conversation. But I also don’t want him to think I had this master plan to hang out with him. “Like, I know it must sound pretty bad. We swapped phones even though I noticed we had the same case and then my friend asks about you. But it’s not like that,” he seems like he wants to comment but I stop him. “I’ve told her about you once. You were a guest on the Graham Norton’s show and she said something about all celebrities being asses and I mentioned you were nice. Well, I think she misunderstood what I meant because she now believes I’m in love with you and asks me every day if you’ve come in.” Harry’s laughing before I can finish. “I’m serious, it’s not funny!”

“She thinks you’re in love with me because you said I was nice?”

“Well, I mean, that’s partly my fault.” I’m probably as pink as they come, even though he’s clearly finding it all hilarious. “I might have said you were handsome, ok? And like, I never comment on guys. Ever. So she took it the wrong way.”

“You don’t ever comment on guys, but you said I’m handsome?” His grin only gets bigger. I don’t know how I got myself in this position but I want out. “I’m flattered, Ellie Frost.”

“Oh God.” I hide my face on my hands.

&&

Do you have plans for tomorrow?

Yes, walking honey and watching netflix. Why?

Can I join?

On the dog walk or the netflix session?

Both?

We could also squeeze lunch in between

Does that sound good to you?

&&

I’m putting my sneakers on when the bell buzzes. Before I can get up from the couch, Honey’s running towards the door barking. I laugh, still amused even if she does it every time. With one bare foot, I open up the building door and take the little time I have left to put the other shoe on. The bell’s buzzing again just when I’m coming back from getting Honey’s leash from its drawer.

Harry’s on the other side of the door, black shorts with black tights underneath and a grey hoodie. You’d think we’re dressed to jog instead of walking an almost four-month-old puppy, as I’m in a pair of leggings and a hoodie myself, but I guess we both opted for comfortable.

Not like I’d agree to go for a jog. My body may seem athletic, but it’s all down to my metabolism. I’m really more of a couch potato rather than a gym rat.

“Hello there.” I greet him with a brief hug, stepping aside so he can come in for a moment. “I’m sorry the house’s a bit of a mess, as you can see, someone’s excited,” I point to the tiny one, still barking, and Harry laughs. “She’s been like that since I got up. She’s used to going out right after I have breakfast so she’s passed her time by getting all her toys out as I put them away.” He gets down to pet her as I complain, quickly realizing she’s not the same puppy he met a few weeks ago, running around instead of letting him hold her. I point it out as I grab two bottles of water from the cabinet. “See? Maybe you’ll get lucky later.”

“She’ll be licking my face by lunchtime.” He sounds confident so I don’t doubt it. I notice he’s given up, though, opting to look around the kitchen and living room instead (it’s actually one big room divided into two areas). “Your flat’s amazing.”

“Thanks! It was my grandparents’ but I’ve redecorated since I moved. This is basically it, there’s just my room and the bathroom that way,” I point towards the door that leads to the hallway, noticing after that he’s stopped to stare at the shelves above my TV cabinet. “Those are my vinyl records.” I note, pointing at them.

He makes his way towards it, so he has a better look. “This is amazing.”

“Thank you! I told you before I have two vinyl players,” I remind him. “My grandparents have a huge collection and I’ve always liked how they look, so I started my own. My grandpa gave me a few over the years, though. Like this one.” I grab an old Fleetwood Mac vinyl, knowing he’ll love it. “I don’t even own any CD’s, I buy everything in vinyl.”

“Can I take a picture of this?” He asks, pointing at the shelf in general.

I shrug. “Be my guest.”

I wait until he’s done to hand him the leash and his water bottle, grabbing my phone from the counter afterwards. “Let’s go?”

I notice he’s smirking when he comes towards the door, so I stop to return his stare. “What?”

“You’re quite chatty today.”

I frown. “I am?”

“I think you are, yeah.” He kneels to put the leash on Honey’s collar. “Usually it takes you a bit longer to start chatting like that. I think you’re warming up to me.”

“Uh,” I try to think of something to follow his statement, but I’m taken aback so I decide to move on and change the subject (truly Ellie fashion). “Let’s go so I can chat in the car, then.”

We made puppy walking arrangements late last night, when he asked me about my Saturday plans. We ended up deciding he’d come pick us up and we’d go up to Belsize Park, where we could grab lunch afterwards.

I’m reliving our conversation when we get to his Range Rover and he opens the back door. I widen my eyes when I see he’s bought himself a pink blanket to protect his seats and a seat belt for dogs.

“You’ve gone late night shopping.” I point out. He smirks, letting me buckle Honey up so she travels safely. She immediately lies down and I’m already taking a picture of her when I squeal “She looks so cute. Thanks for this.” I say, turning my body to look at him properly.

“S’nothing.” He shrugs. “Thought you’d appreciate it.”

Harry was probably right when he said I was chatty today because, for some reason, I don’t shut up for the whole car ride. I tell him my new idea for the store’s Halloween layout and how the Christmas layout will probably be the last one I’ll work on for a while, as I’ll be pretty busy afterwards.

I tell him I’m stressing over my thesis presentation but I’m working on distracting myself. How I subscribed to Netflix a few days ago and started a new documentary series called I’m a Killer (which is creepy in a lot of ways) – and proceed to tell him, in detail, the three episodes I‘ve seen so far.

In my defence, Harry’s pretty into what I’m saying – no matter the topic. Which I’m trying to ignore, because if I focus on the smile craved into his face right now, I’d probably go into a whole new crisis and I’m keen on keeping things right as they are. (That being the whole reason why I try not to think about how my crush has not gone away yet. In fact, it gets a little worse every time my phone buzzes with one of his texts - it’s actually a little bit worrying, since he keeps on texting).

I’m talking about the last Grey’s Anatomy episode I’ve watched (even though I get the feeling he only watched a few loose episodes and he’s not exactly sure who’s who) when he parks the car. Honey lifts her head up for the first time and barks, which makes me get another picture because I’m a proud mother.

Harry’s the first one to get out of the car and gets her out as well. I accept the leash so he can look for a beanie, even though it’s not that cold. I’m not sure if he’s looking for comfort or a way to go unnoticed, but I accept when he offers me a black one.

“All set?” He questions before locking the car. I nod, phone in my little bag and water bottle in my hand.

Harry puts his keys in his shorts’ pocket and we’re off. Honey’s finally a happy girl, jumping from leaf to leaf and I think Harry’s enjoying seeing her, judging by his tiny smile.

“Here, you take her.” I hand him the leash. He takes it quickly, clearly ready to let her go wherever the hell she wants. I don’t mind, as I’m free to take all the photos I want. “So how did your session go yesterday?” I ask, knowing he’s writing his second album at the moment.

“Wrote a shit song.” He makes a face, shrugging afterwards. I can see he’s not at all happy with that, however he shrugs it off. “Monday’ll be better, hopefully.”

“For sure, it can’t always be a hit.” I try to comfort him. I don’t know anything about writing songs but, from my experience, you never get things right on first try; take the Halloween layout for the store, for instance – took me three whole ideas to get it right. “Are you writing mostly alone?”

“Not in the studio, I have other people with me in there.” he explains. “Right now, I’m writing with two of my bandmates, actually.”

“Band, as in One Direction?”

He laughs. “No, as in the band that comes with me on tour. Mitch and Sarah – they’re actually dating now.”

“Ah, that’s cute! Were they dating when you met them?“

“No,” he shakes his head, “They didn’t even know each other.”

“Oh my God,” I don’t know why I’m loving this story so much. “You brought two people together, Harry!”

“You seem excited with the prospect of love,” I can feel his tease before his next words come out, judging by his smirk when he turns his head from Honey’s spot in front of us to me. “For someone who claims to not even comment on guys, let alone date.”

“There you go again,” I roll my eyes theatrically. He’s been messing with me every chance he gets. “See, you can’t know anything! I regret trying to clear up my name now!”

“You didn’t have a name to clear up,“ he’s quick to point out. ”You know I’m only joking, Ellie.”

“No, you’re so not!” I fight, though holding back a smile. “You love to tease me! Just yesterday you asked me if Jesse Williams rated higher than you on my non-existent scale!“

He’s laughing before I even finish my rant. “Yeah, ‘cause you’re a liar! You tell me one day you don’t comment on guys and the next you’re texting me he’s hottest male actor on Grey’s Anatomy right now. Why were you texting me that?”

“Well, I told my friend you were handsome, didn’t I? It seems like sometimes I can’t help myself.” I’m not even sure how this is coming out of my lips, but it is. “Also, I bet even you wouldn’t resist Doctor Avery!”

He actually shrugs.

“Let’s move on, then!” I’m end the conversation and walk faster, away from this conversation.

We stop after a little, sitting down on the grass. Honey’s licking my face as soon as my butt touches the ground and I’m laughing as I get attacked. I notice Harry’s laughing next to me, deciding to finally help me out only after about five minutes and a dozen photographs saved on his phone.

Honey lets him take her away from me, though only to lick his cheek. He doesn’t mind, but I have to yell out a warning so she stays still. It takes Harry a few minutes after that, but he manages to have her lie in his legs.

I’m about to congratulate him on being right (Honey did lick him after about an hour), when he turns to me with a question.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“That depends, what kind of question?”

“A personal one.” I motion for him to continue. “How come you’re really not interested in dating?”

He looks genuinely interested so I decide to give him half the reason.

“I’m just not looking for a relationship right now. There’s too much going on with the internship; I need to make it count- no distractions allowed.“ I answer honestly. I don’t tell him, however, how my parents relationship scarred me for life and how I spend most of the time comparing the guys I meet with my father, so I don’t make the same mistakes as my mom, instead of actually getting to know them. "Also, there hasn’t been anyone to catch my eye lately.” I add, trying to get those thoughts out of my head for the moment.

“I get it,” he’s nodding. "Work normally gets in the way of things.”

I’m not sure if I should, but since he asked me, I’m asking right back. "Has it ever happened to you?”

Surprisingly, he answers with no reservations. "Yeah, my last few relationships, actually. We’ve always been in different stages in our careers.” I’m sitting with my legs crossed, my attention fully on him. We’re both in the middle of a park, sulking in the sun and petting a puppy - maybe that’s why he doesn’t stop there. “Can I be completely honest?”

I nod.

"I don’t think either of us really put in the work when things got complicated. We enjoyed while it lasted and, when it started going downhill, we let it.”

"Would you say you haven’t truly been in love, then?”

What kind of questions am I making? I’m half expecting him to say I’m being too nosey, but he just shrugs slightly and shifts his gaze to the park instead of me, as if he’s just now trying to decipher his past feelings.

“Hm, I don’t know. Maybe, yeah. I don’t know.” He finally answers. "When you put it that way, if I had truly loved them, I probably would have tried harder, right?”

“Don’t ask me!” I laugh. "I know nothing about love.”

"Define nothing.”

I know what he’s after and, after everything he just revealed, I feel like I have to give back. “I had one boyfriend, in 12th grade. Let’s just say I thought I did but I didn’t cry over him all that much after it was done – so, looking back, I don’t think I loved him.”

“Why did you guys break up?”

“I wanted to come to London, he was going to Oxford.” I shrug. “Life, I guess.”

He hms, though I don’t know if he believes that was it, and we go back to a comfortable silence, enjoying the little sun we’re getting and each other’s company, before picking up our walk and chatting our way back down the park.

&&

My sister has found the pictures I took of Honey in the park

I don’t think she’s happy

Why wouldn’t she be happy?

She says I’m supposed to be a cat person

It’s really not my fault her cat hates me, she scratches me all the time

Honey bit you twice that day and you didn’t seem to mind

Honey was playing, Olivia does it on purpose

I don’t think she likes me either

Well, if it makes you feel better, I think Honey likes you back

&&

Exactly four weeks since this whole thing started, I find myself in a pumpkin patch just outside London, holding Honey as I watch Harry and my godson a few meters down, picking up the biggest pumpkin I’ve ever seen.

I put Honey down when I see them walk over, picking my own pumpkin from the ground. Harry’s holding the pumpkin they just picked and a medium-sized one, while Max is holding a rather small one (we agreed we’d each get one according to our size). I think about asking Harry if he needs any help but he’s not looking bothered – in fact, I reckon he’d carry another one and still look like he’s not even trying. I try not to think much on how his muscles must look behind his thick coat, but my mind goes there anyway.

Max runs to me, though I’m not sure how, with the amount of clothes he has on (it’s too cold to be outside). He repeatedly shouts my name, until he gets close enough for me to hear him. “El, look at Hawwy’s pumpin!”

“I see he’s got a rather big one,” I raise my eyebrows. “Why’s that?”

“Max thought I should get the biggest,” Harry begins to explain.

My godson puts his hand on my leg to get my attention. “Yeah, Hawwy’s big like daddy! Daddy always gets the big pumpin!”

I laugh. “But why does he have two, then?”

“I couldn’t possible carve this massive one, so the smaller one’s for carving.” Harry explains. “We agreed I’d paint the other one with him.” He manages to tousle Max’s hair in a fond gesture. “Right, Max?”

“Yes!”

I mirror the little one’s big smile and look up at Harry, knowing exactly what he’s done.

Earlier today, before Harry arrived to come with us, I told Max he was going to paint his pumpkin, since was still too young to actually carve one. Needless to say, the five-year-old was not too pleased and threw a tiny fit, crying real tears and yelling he didn’t want to celebrate Halloween, then. I tried not to laugh at that and let him cry until he got over it; he still had his eyes slightly red when Harry knocked on the door and I had to explain it to him on the way over. Therefore, it’s no coincidence Harry’s now going to paint a pumpkin with Max.

“Are we ready to go, then? We’ve got a lot to do!”

Max is nodding before I finish. “Can I paint Spidaman?”

“Yes, you can.” I agree. “But what should Harry paint?”

“Don’t give him any ideas,” Harry mutters next to me. “I can’t draw for my life.”

I eye him with the smallest smirk, “Sure you can.”

“Sure I can’t.”

“Max, should Harry draw a skeleton?”

“Noooooo,” the boy makes a face. “Hawwy should dwaw spidaman like meeee!”

Harry’s the one making a face now. “Cause that’s so much easier,” He laughs, reaching the car as he speaks. I open the trunk and he puts his two pumpkins in there. Max drops his tiny one and, suddenly, Harry’s picking him up in the air. “You did it on purpose, didn’t you, little fella?” The boy’s laughter fills the air and I realize I’m frozen, looking at them - pumpkin stuck below my left arm and Honey pulling her leash on my right hand, trying to get into the fun. “You’re lucky you’re cute.” Harry tickles him before he places him on the floor again.

Harry looks at me and I jump slightly, almost dropping my pumpkin. He raises his eyebrow and I blush (when will I stop?).

Without a word, I drop the pumpkin in the trunk and close it, hurrying to get Honey in her seat – and to get away from Harry’s eyes, that seem to be following my every move.

I finish buckling Honey up just as Max puts his seat belt on and Harry sits in the passenger seat. He tried to persuade me to drive up here but I stood my ground, so he seems to have drop it.

I hold back a giggle as I sit in the driver’s seat. My car is rather small, a white Fiat 500c that is great to drive around London, but Harry does look rather small in it.

“What?” He’s asking as soon as my eyes land on him.

“Nothing!” I hold my hands up in the air and start the car.

“You had that look on your face,” he points out. “Like you were about to burst in laughter.”

“You look funny in my car, that’s all.”

“Ah, I look funny, do I? Must be why I wanted to bring my own car!” He complains, though I see amusement in his expression. He pauses before he continues. “It’s been worth it, though.”

“What do you mean, it’s been worth it?”

“You look cute while driving,” he notes. I must look startled because I certainly feel it, as I don’t expect him to make a comment like this. “You purse your lips a little. It’s well cute.”

“Uh,” I’m not sure the reaction he’s expecting, just as I’m not sure the reaction I should have. So, unsurprisingly, I change the subject. “What do you want to listen to, Bubba?”

“One Diwection!”

I close my eyes just enough to avoid the redness to grace my cheeks. “Besides that, honey.”

“Whyyy?” He cries.

“He can listen to whatever he wants.” Harry points out. “So, you like One Direction, mate?”

“Yes!”

“We have a teen cousin who loved your band very much. That meaning, this” my finger moves between me and the five-year-old. “Didn’t come from me.”

“Aw, are you sure, Ellie?” Harry’s smirk is so wide I want to slap it off of his face. “I didn’t know you were a One Direction fan!”

“I’m actually not,” I break it out to him. Then, I think about his reaction to listening to his first album from start to finish. “Well, One Direction it is Max.” I eye Harry. “I reckon you have Up All Night somewhere on your phone?”

“You think you’re punishing me but I love it, Frost.”

To my dismay, the man laughs and sings with Max the whole journey home.

¨

Harry’s following my every move as I finish laying down all the supplies we’ll need to our Halloween shenanigans. I feel my skin burn under his gaze but don’t acknowledge it. Max has disappeared into my room after Honey, so I was left alone with a man with sudden staring problems.

I’m calling Max as soon as my kitchen counter is perfectly protected (I paid good money for it to be stained with paint). Harry picks him up and places him on middle stool.

I sigh and make my way to the kid’s left stool. I decided earlier to carve a ghost so I get on with it. I’m not even properly started when Max looks up to me. “Can I have a photo of Spidaman, pwease?” I laugh, nodding. I put a photo on my phone and put it in front of him, so he can see the blues and the reds.

We start carving/painting in silence, only broken by Honey’s toy and/or Max making questions regarding his little Spiderman. I reckon he’ll give up and paint the whole pumpkin soon, but until then I humour him with little pieces of advice.

I look beyond my godson’s blonde hair, catching a glimpse of a focused Harry Styles. He’s been silent for a while, so I decide to check on him. I look at his pumpkin, realizing he’s taken all his seeds and he’s not carving a small line. I notice he has his tongue out in concentration and I smile involuntarily. 

Max’s finishing his Spiderman when Harry puts his knife down and sights in relief. “Mine’s done!”

I look over.

“You carved an H?”

“I carved a very well carved H,” Harry giggles. “I’m quite happy with it, if you must know.”

“Congratulations?” I laugh. “Now, onto painting that one. Max’s almost finished, aren’t you, bubba?”

He nods proudly. “El? Can I paint it all now?”

“Let me take a picture to show your parents first, yes?” I ask the little one, staring at my hands after. Harry’s washing his hands in the sink so he can paint the next one, so I ask him. “Can you take the picture, please?”

He nods, picking my phone for me and taking a picture of the boy and his pumpkin. He, then, proceeds to take a picture of me. I wrinkle my nose and smile at him.

“You look great,” He tells me, showing me the picture. “Though that’s not a surprise.”

I blush, staring at my own reflection. My blonde locks are tamed in a high ponytail and my cheeks are slightly rosy due to the room temperature, but I agree it’s a nice picture – I might even post it on Instagram later.

I’m glad that I only look over at Harry’s pumpkin after I finish mine, otherwise my perfectly carved ghost would turn out more like a sack.

He’s painted a pink ‘E’ with cute flowers around it.

¨

N O V E M B E R

I’m taking the last pumpkin out of the store – Halloween has been done for about a week – when Amy shows up. She’s carrying two hot drinks and hands me one as soon as I get my hands free. Wearing a brown skirt and orange blouse, she’s got the whole blogger vibe going on. I don’t dress up nearly as much as she does, even if I take pride in looking at least decent, mostly opting for one of the fifty pairs of skinny jeans I own and a sweater accordingly to my mood. I also never take my two silver necklaces off.

“We need to talk.” She declares, before turning to get into the store.

I follow, taking my seat behind the counter. She sits on the counter and eyes me accusingly – I cringe, sipping my drink. “What have you been up to lately?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean,” she rolls her eyes. “There’s something going on and you won’t tell me!”

“There isn’t.”

Amy eyes me. “Fine.” I know it isn’t and she proves it after a second. “Why don’t you trust me?” She whines. “I can handle whatever it is! Did I do something?” I’m about to say no when she continues. “I mean, I know I didn’t but, like, why else would you avoid me?”

“I’m not avoiding you!”

“Riiiiight.” She rolls her eyes. “You didn’t text me for two weeks last month.”

I curse myself.

“Ok. Do you want to know what’s happening?” I close my eyes and gather the courage to tell her I’ve been hanging out with Harry Styles. I might even tell her she was right all along and I do have a crush on him while I’m at it. I do need to talk to someone about it as I keep dreaming about him.

When I open my eyes again, I see the man himself coming into Memory Lane. Great, now I can’t even admit my darkest secret to my best friend.

“There.” I point to the door and Amy turns.

I can see her shock as her eyes widen and she turns back to me with an opened mouth. I would’ve laugh if I wasn’t so afraid of what might come out of said mouth when she recovers from the shock.

“You’re doing Harry Styles?”

I flinch. Even with her half-whispered tone, her voice is strong enough to be heard from the other side of the store. As my luck goes, Harry’s just a few steps away.

“No!” I yell back, hiding my face in my hands. I must be as red as a tomato right now. “Shut up.”

“Did I come in in a bad time?” Harry announces his presence, pointing backwards to the door. I want to say Yes, but he’s wearing actual blue jeans and a black jacket with a wool collar – he’s so handsome, my hormones take over me. “I can come back?”

I want to shout “No”.

I gather my thoughts, laying my cup on the counter and getting up to greet him. I whisper an “You’re early” while hugging him briefly, all the while, feeling Amy’s eyes on us (probably about to fall off her face). I bite my lower lip nervously. “Uh, this is Amy – my best friend.”

“Hi.” She manages to say with a little wave.

“’m Harry.” He takes a step towards her and they greet each other with two kisses. “But you know that, right? Ellie told you-”

“Not now, Harry.” I roll my eyes, cutting him, as I’m positive he was about to bring up that time I told her he was handsome. I pat his chest so he takes a step back. He laughs, though he moves accordingly.

It takes Amy’s gaze to drop to my hand for me to realize I kept it there a second too much. I take it back as if he just burned me.

“Go fetch something,” I shoo him away, gesturing to the farthest end of the store with my hands. “I’m almost closing and then we’ll go.” He shakes his head but does as I say. He’s not stupid, he knows he just walked in on something.

“Now us.” Amy takes a step closer.

“Right. Ok.” I fiddle with my sweater. “Ok. Uh, so, we switched phones about a month ago.”

“What? He was here and you didn’t tell me?”

“Uh, yeah - no, I didn’t. But that’s your fault.” I point out. “You’re always bothering me, I would never hear the end of it!”

“I’m not sure if I should take offense to that.” she stops. Her curiosity, however, takes the best of her pretty quickly. “Keep going!”

“So that’s why I didn’t talk to you much those weeks. I had Harry’s phone and I was afraid you’d text him instead of me – as he had my phone.”

“Ohh, I see.” She giggles. “And then what?”

“Then he texted me and we got talking.” I shrug. I see Harry turning his head slightly and eyeing us from the corner of his eye. I eye him back, making sure he knows he isn’t being discrete. He chuckles and goes back to what he was seeing before. “I swear we’re just friends.”

“Oh, you swear?”

“Yes, I do!” She looks like she doesn’t believe me. “I’m serious. I don’t need, or want, a boyfriend right now!”

My voice must have powered through, since Harry’s head turns a little. He doesn’t fully turn, but I can tell he overheard me.

Good.

“Alright, alright,” Amy doesn’t press. “I can see why you haven’t told me.” I sigh in relief – too soon, because she continues in a hushed voice. “But you gotta hit that!”

I roll my eyes and decide to not comment, checking the time. It’s six on the dot, so I go up to the door and turn the sign over to closed.

“I must say these glasses aren’t what I expected to find today.” Harry comes up to me with the fake reading glasses I saved him last week. “Do you really think they suit me?”

I pretend he doesn’t look as good as he does with them on. “Yes, I thought they would. But, also, you used to give me a few months to choose something, you’ve barely gave me two weeks this time round.”

He smiles, as if he’s happy it has been so little time. “You do know it’s fine if you don’t have anything waiting for me, right?”

I nod, though I don’t want that to happen. It’s our thing, I don’t want to change it.

“I don’t come in for that anymore.”

One day he’s going to kill me; on that day, he better feel remorseful for dropping little bombs like that on me so often. I try not to show emotion, even if my mind starts racing. “I mean,” Harry runs a hand through his hair and continues. “I do love it. But we’re friends now. I come in to pick you up and stuff.” I eye him, nodding as if he’s making perfect sense. “Uh, are you ready, then?”

“Yes. Uh, yes.”

“Do you want to come with us, Amy?” Harry addresses my friend, who’s been eyeing up a poorly done painting as a way of pretending she wasn’t listening in to our conversation. I know her better than that. “We’re meeting a couple of my friends in a pub.”

Amy moves her eyes from Harry to me and I plead with my eyes. It’s not as if I’m not excited to meet Mitch and Sarah – it’s that I’m anxious as hell. I wasn’t even supposed to take a shift at Memory Lane today, but I asked my aunt to take the afternoon off so I could take my mind of things. She thought it was my presentation; instead, it was meeting Harry’s friends.

It had just come up during our daily texts. He was telling me about his day on the studio and mentioned they were going to go for drinks on Friday, after their session. I didn’t even realize I was agreeing to come with until he said he’d pick me up (that’s when I started freaking out).

“I’m in.” Amy locks her arm with mine. “Go grab your handbag, Frosty.” I roll my eyes at her nickname and go through the back door to get my things.

I’m sure to fasten my pace so Amy isn’t left alone with Harry for long. Luckily, when I get back, they’re talking about the pub we’re going to (I wouldn’t know if it’s good, as it’s not really my scene).

I move to the door and they follow suit.

“Wait,” Harry realizes he still has the glasses on. “I haven’t paid for these yet.”

“Consider it a gift.” I tell him, waiting for him to go through the door.

“That’s not our deal, but thanks El.”

I curse myself as I lock the door. I can’t possibly be affected each time he smiles at me – it just won’t work. We’re friends. He’s allowed to use a nickname without my insides melting down at his voice.

I’m put together when I turn to them again.

Harry’s Range Rover is parked right in front of the store and Amy makes sure I get onto the passenger door. Harry lets me choose the music and he starts a conversation with my friend, asking her if she’s studying the same as I (the answer is yes) and how did we meet (second week of the second semester). She’s telling him she’s focusing on her blog right now, not on her thesis, when we get to the pub.

When Harry mentioned getting drinks, I didn’t realize we were going to end up in the poshest pub in all of London, though it makes sense. I notice as soon as we get in the people don’t look back at him, which probably makes it easier for him. He sees his friends sitting in the corner and turns to me, close behind him, grabbing my arm in an unconscious gesture. I let him guide me.

“You guys are here on time!” He exclaims, a huge grin forming in his face. I drag my eyes from him to the couple sat close next to each other. “This is Ellie,” his arm leaves my arm and wraps around my waist instead. “These are Mitch and Sarah!”

“Hello!” I’m instantly at ease with Sarah’s welcoming tone, her lips forming a big smile. She gets up to greet me just as Harry remembers he brought another guest and introduces Amy to them. “It’s so nice to meet you!” The brunette says in between kisses.

“You too.” I smile, turning to her boyfriend so I can say hi too.

“It’s nice to meet you, Ellie,” Mitch smiles and moves on to Amy,

Introductions done, I turn to Harry and notice he’s already sitting, his arm resting on the chair next to him. He signs for me to sit down and I do, accepting his help to hold things out for me as I take my over-the-shoulder bag, scarf and coat off.

“Thanks,” I whisper to him when I’m finally free of the extra pieces of clothing. I notice he’s still wearing the accessory I picked up for him, so I point it out. “You’re still wearing the glasses - y'know that, right?”

He grins, responding with the same hushed tone I used. “Thought you liked ‘em?”

“I do,” I realize Mitch and Sarah are watching our exchange closely as I answer, immediately blushing in consequence. “Uh,” I turn back go my normal tone. “So, how was the studio session today?

"What do you think, H?” Sarah shoots the answer back to the man beside me and the three of them laugh.

I look to my right. “They’re teasing,” he explains. “I thought I had a smash but it ended up being the worst song I’ve ever written.”

“Do you even have any good days in the studio?” I eye him and then turn back to his bandmates. “I swear he tells me every day he’s written a shit song.”

“Shitty for him.” Mitch points out. “I reckon we have a great start on album two.”

“You’ve been lying, then.” I squeeze my eyes at him.

“’M not. I just think we can do way better.” He defends himself. “Let’s not talk about that though, what are we drinking?”

I eye Amy next to me. She stares back, nudging her head slightly as the tiniest sign of reassurance.

Mitch takes the lead and asks for a beer, the other three following his lead. I have my eyes locked on the drink menu when I feel a nudge. Harry eyes me and, then, the menu. “What ‘bout you?”

“Hm, I don’t drink.”

“What do you mean you don’t drink?” Mitch furrows his eyebrows in honest surprise.

Amy answers for me. “She doesn’t care for alcohol.” In truth, she’s lying. I do care for alcohol - I choose not to drink it because of exactly that. “Just order your coke, Frosty.” I hold my tongue out at her teasing tone. She’s right though, that’s what I’m ordering. “She once ordered a milkshake at a rooftop bar.”

I glance at Harry while they laugh, noticing he’s wearing a fond expression. I let out a sigh, forcing my heartbeat to slow down. I hate justifying why I don’t drink.

His laugh turns into a full-on smile and I give him a tiny one in return, wrinkling my nose slightly as if dismissing her comment; I decide right then that’s my favourite kind of smile on him, when there’s still a trace of a good laugh and it reaches his eyes so completely.

I also realize thoughts like these aren’t going to take me anywhere good, so I try to stop them altogether.

“I’ll go get it for you,” Harry mumbles, as the waiter is no longer near our table.

I thank him, following him with my eyes as he makes his way through the bar.

I’m about to take my eyes off him and focus my attention on the conversation between Mitch and Amy when I notice a girl taking a picture of Harry as he talks to the man behind the bar. I see his attention turn to the phone being held in his direction at a distance, but he only sighs and shakes his head slightly. I’m not sure if the girl notices this, but she turns to her friend and decides to keep taking photographs – or filming, I’m not close enough to see.

A new-found wave of anger overwhelms me.

I’m not a confrontation kind of girl. In fact, if there’s anyone who’s able to listen a string of insults without fighting back, it’s me. Right now, however, I feel like going on to the girl and knock that phone onto the ground, preferably shattering the screen into a thousand pieces. No-one is more surprised than me, then, when I excuse myself from the table once I see the girl heading to the restroom.

I’m not sure what I’m doing, even when I do get there. The girl has just gone into one of the cubicles so I just wait outside, my insides bumbling with anger. I never actually stopped to think about what Harry has to go through every day, even that first time when we went out to get coffee for the first time - I just acknowledged how people stared at him a little longer and how he tried to escape it by looking for a quieter place. I wasn’t confronted with this side of things. And now that I am, I find I don’t like it very much.

Before I can think it through, however, the girl is leaving the cubicle and heading towards the sink. I walk over to the sink next to hers.

As we wash our hands together, I stare at her through the mirror and break my silence. “What you just did out there,” she seems startled, looking at me in confusion. “That was wrong on many levels.” I ignore her as she opens her mouth slightly, maybe to ask what I’m referring to, maybe to defend herself. “You may be used to seeing him in magazines so your perception is a little clouded, but I assure you he’s, in fact, a real person – and in real life, you don’t take pictures of people without their consent.” I’m already drying my hands as I finish, throwing the paper towel into the trash and eyeing her hard on my way to the door.

The second I walk out of that bathroom, I realize what I’ve done. I breathe in, and then out, hard. It’s probably not very clever to be waiting outside for her to come out, so I walk fast towards out table, where Harry’s sat with a beer in front of him and an iced Coke next to it.

Amy eyes me weirdly. “Where have you been? You left like you were on a mission.”

“Uh- just the restroom, really.” I pick up my glass and take a large sip.

“Why are you shaking?” I jump a little when I feel Harry’s breath on my skin due to his proximity. He’s whispering again and I bet Sarah’s eyes won’t take long to catch us. “’m sorry.” He places a hand on my leg as if to relax me.

“I’m not shaking,” I hold his stare with one of my own. “Thanks for the drink.”

I don’t think he believes me but he lets it go. Instead, he focuses on the conversation happening between the other three and gives his two cents here and then. I try to do the same, but I feel as if all the nerves in my body are electrified and I want to cry.

It’s not a new feeling. Sometimes I forget how much I really don’t like confrontation. If you tick just the right box, I’ll explode – and then I’ll feel like shit. I contemplate if I should go apologize to the girl, as I imagine she really likes Harry and didn’t mean to be rude - I even try to look for her, but she’s not at her table anymore (probably for the best, since deep down I know I’m right).

My phone buzzes with a text.

You’re acting weird

What’s going on?

I look to Harry but he’s looking forward, as if he didn’t just text me. I guess that was the point, though – to be discrete. I exhale, trying to feel normal again. I don’t want to ruin the night – I don’t want Mitch and Sarah to think I’m rude because I’m not joining in the conversation.

Instead, I only get more rattled.

I’m feeling weird, I’m sorry.

I notice Harry flips his phone as soon as he gets the text. He doesn’t look at me – instead, he drags his hand to my thigh, his palm upwards, barely touching my jeans. I swallow hard, discretely placing my hand on his.

This was not supposed to be happening. The part of me who’s crushing hard, however, doesn’t mind a single bit. Instead, it takes her only a few minutes to win over the other. I grab my coke again and laugh at Sarah’s latest tour story.

I’m not sure if they notice we’re holding hands for the next two hours, but no one mentions it.

Harry closes the door to my apartment behind him. He didn’t ask me If he could come in, he informed he was going to, after he parked the car. Honey comes running from her little bed beside the couch and I kneel to pet her, bringing her to the couch with me.

Harry’s taking his coat off when he finally asks the question on his mind since we left the pub. “What happened in the restroom?”

“Nothing bad.”

“Right.” He locks his jaw, deciding to sit on the couch next to me. “’Cause nothing bad made you shake life a leaf.”

“I was not shaking like a leaf.” I eye him. “Maybe like a medium sized tree branch.” He does not look amused, so I shrug my shoulders down. “I’m not sure if you’re going to like what I did.” I confess, turning on the couch and crossing my legs, facing him completely. Honey seems undecided as if she wants to stay on my lap on go straight to Harry’s. “Did you notice a girl getting your photo when you were at the bar?”

“Yes,” He nods. His jaw immediately locks again and I wonder what scenarios he’s making in his head. “Why?”

“Uh, I might have followed her down to the restroom and told her off.”

I think he’s trying to hold on a laugh but I’m not entirely sure. “You what?”

“I basically told her that what she did was wrong and that people don’t just take pictures of other people without their consent.” I shrug, biting the inside of my cheek. “Wait- are you laughing?”

“I just-” He laughs adorably, his eyes almost shut. “I’ve been worried sick imagining someone messed with you and, instead, you messed with them.”

I curve my lips slightly upwards. “I felt bad afterwards, though, that’s why I acted so weird.”

“You shouldn’t.” He tells me. “I mean, you definitely shouldn’t be picking up my fights for me, but you shouldn’t feel bad for sticking up for what you think is right either.”

 “I don’t like confrontation.”

He nods, thinking for a second before he voices another question. “Then why did you go after her?”

“I guess I don’t like people disrespecting you more.”

“Come here.” He opens his arms and I make the quick decision to crawl closer to him. He places his left arm around my shoulders and kisses my forehead. “That was very sweet of you, El. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I mumble. “I’m sorry I freaked out.”

“Nah, no one noticed except me.” I doubt that, but I pretend that’s the case. “Are you sleepy or can we watch something on Netflix?”

I immediately turn my tv on, as it is the perfect opportunity to make him start watching Brooklyn 99. I’ve been telling him to watch for about a week, since I love it so much – however, as the episode starts and jokes are made, all I can focus on is his warmth around me and how his body shakes when he laughs.

&&

This guy was filming me in the gym. Could you please come here and teach him some manners, please?

Stooooop

It’s not funny

I just wish I could have seen your face

You look so sweet all the time, I wonder what you look like when you’re mad at someone

Thank you?

&&

I try to keep my expression as neutral as possible as I listen to the take Harry just sang in the booth. Sarah, Mitch and their other bandmate, Adam, are all focused – ready to point every note Harry should change next. If you ask me, it sounded perfect four takes ago. That’s probably why they don’t ask.

Once again, I’m not sure how I got here. We’d been texting two hours ago, as we’ve been since that first day, when Harry asked me what I was doing. I was just returning home from my morning walk with Honey and had to revise my PowerPoint presentation, as my thesis presentation is quickly approaching. One second, I was coming out of the shower, sweatpants ready to be worn in my bed, and the next I was digging a pair of black skinny jeans from the closet and going out the door with my Mac in a backpack.

I’m not sure who I was trying to fool when I agreed I could work in the studio – it’s no surprise that I have made exactly one change since I got here, an hour ago. I’m not sure if it’s Harry’s raw voice coming out of every column in the room or his laid back style for the day – a pair of sweatpants and the Stevie Nicks t-shirt I chose for him, but something’s messing with my head more than usual. It might also be the cuddling mess three nights ago, that hasn’t left my head since.

Either way, if I let myself get lost in Harry’s voice right now, I’m not sure my eyes wouldn’t turn into hearts and everyone in this room would realize how big of a crush I have on that guy. Which is dangerous for everyone (myself the most).

I’m hiding behind the screen when Sarah comes sit on the ground. I’m lying of the couch, occupying the whole space – I told myself Harry couldn’t come sit by me this way, but Sarah just proved me wrong. I look at her, eyeing my PowerPoint out of the corner on my eye. I shut the computer, deciding it was a lost cause from the start.

“Harry told us what you did the other day.” She mumbles, I reckon a bit unsure if she should be bringing it up.

“I lost it,” I chuckle, thinking back on the whole thing. After a few days, the dust has settled and I’m now fine with my actions. I’m not sure if I’d do it again, but I was right to do so. “I’m not sure what came over me.”

“I might have a good guess.” Sarah comments and I frown. Did she exchange numbers with Amy? That’d explain the use of the same words my friend spoke to me. Sarah surprises me with her next words, however. Instead of addressing what I might, or might not, feel, she gives me an inside on what Harry’s feeling. “He cares about you a lot, y’know?”

“I guess,” I shrug it off. “We’ve become good friends.”

“You have.” She agrees, spreading her legs on the carpet and resting her head on the free spot next to mine. “You reckon you could be more than that?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I’m his friend, I like to know what’s going on.” I make an ‘hm’ sound to let her know I get it. “Doesn’t mean I’m going to tell him your answer.”

I look at Harry, again in the booth. He has his eyes closed, headphones on, singing his heart out. I sigh. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.” I decide to be honest, even if she ends up telling him every word I say right now. “I don’t think I can do more than friends right now – with anyone.”

“Why’s that?” She inquires. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“That’s a long story you’re after.” I chuckle. “I have some daddy issues, let’s leave it at that.”

“Oh.” She lets out a chuckle as well, eyeing the ceiling above us. “Can I give you a piece of advice, though?”

“Sure thing.”

“Take it from me – don’t fight it. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be, and you’re just going to end up regretting all the time you lost.” I listen closely, even if skeptical. “If there’s anyone able to make you overcome whatever you have going on, that’d be him.”

I don’t respond, as I’m not sure I agree with her – and she doesn’t say anything else either. We lay quietly next to each other, listening to the guys talk.

Here, completely sucked in Harry’s world, I realize I’ve been playing with fire since the start.

I mean what I just said to Sarah, I’m not ready to date anyone. However, I’m spending my days texting Harry and arranging time to meet up. I’m dreaming with his little smiles and out of the blue compliments. I’m thinking back to his warmth and how it makes me feel when he calls me El.

I don’t think I’m crushing anymore.

I know I’m falling.

“What do you think, El?” His voice wakes me from my deep thoughts and I jump out of my skin. Sarah jumps too as a reflex. “Ellie?”

“Uh?”

He steps towards me, wearing the cutest frown I’ve ever seen. I want to poke his dimple and drag him to this couch so we can cuddle. I also want to hit myself. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I was just thinking.” I dismiss him, forcing a smile. “What was it?”

“I was asking what do you think of the song so far,” He points to the booth, as if I need a visual reference. “Do you want to listen to the whole thing again?”

“I do,” I nod, getting up from the couch. “But only because I love it already.”

He smiles big. “Thank you.”

“I mean it,” I grin, following him to where the others are. “I’d pay you big bucks to have you cover all my favourite songs.”

“Anytime.”

I curse myself, because I suddenly hope to God he really means it.

&&

Ellie, you awake?

Yes

What’s that show you watch with Kristen Bell?

The Good Place

Why?

Nick was describing it but didn’t get the name right

Nick as in… Nick Grimshaw?

Yeah, you want me to say hi?

Uh, no, thanks. that’d be weird

It wouldn’t

He’s seen your photo

What? Whyyy?

No reason

He thinks you’re pretty

&&

For once, it’s me who asks Harry if he wants to hang out. He’s been spending most of his days in the studio and going on countless meetings with his record label – or so he tells me, though Sarah confirmed it last night when she texted me (apparently, Harry heard her talk about a TV show I watch and passed on my number so we could discuss), so it has been a few (long) days since we’ve seen each other.

Harry said he was out of the studio by eight so he should be home when I arrive (he decided we should hang in his house since he’s been to mine a few times already) but gave me the code to his gate nonetheless. I punch the numbers while trying not to think on how domesticated this all feels.

I’ve decided to block all negative thoughts for the time being.

I went for brunch with Amy the other day. In between bites, I finally broke it down to her - she made a little victory dance when I confessed I had a crush on Harry from the start. I think she even wanted to punch the air when I told her I like him more than that now, but my worried expression must have held her back.

Now, acknowledging my feelings isn’t going to change anything between us, but it does change something in me. Every time I look at him, I’ll be thinking how it’d be like to hold his hand or run my fingers through his hair. Don’t get me wrong, that’d be a good thought- if only I weren’t scared to death of relationships.

I see light coming from inside the house, indicating Harry must be home. I park my car next to his, picking my handbag and the bag of groceries I just bought on my way here.

Harry’s on the front door by the time I emerge from behind the Range Rover, waving his hand with an adorable smile. I walk faster, not only because it’s starting to rain but also because I want to feel his warmth. I pray he doesn’t notice my rosy cheeks as I hug him with my free arm and he kisses my temple in a quiet greeting. I inhale his familiar scent before we let go of each other, closing my eyes for a split second to remind myself to play it cool.

“You smell good,” Harry comments, as if he’s just done the same as I did. “Is that a new perfume?”

I’m glad I’ve already turned to go into his house as I’m sure he’d noticed my blush now. “Uh, yeah. I just bought a winter-y one.”

I stop in the hall, not completely sure on what to do. “Should I take my shoes off?”

“Only if you want – I can get you a pair of slippers.” He offers, hurrying to get the grocery bag from me once he lays eyes on it. “Sorry, let me take this to the kitchen – make yourself at home”

I do as I’m told, observing the huge mirror on the hall. There’s a pair of his boots next to it, so I take my own black ones and place them next to his. I take my coat off and hang it on the other wall, where he has two of his. Finally, I fix my hair and go further inside, running my fingers through a paint hanged on the wall. When I go through the door, I meet the living room of anyone’s dreams.

There’re two couches, both black with soft pillows, and an enormous grey carpet covers a good portion of the area. Everything yells chic; however, it still has a cosy feel to it. It looks as if it belongs in a magazine and I’m compelled to take a few photographs to save it on my ‘inspiration folder’. I can only hope I do a job like this in the future.

I’m still in awe of all the choices that brought this room together when Harry comes from a hallway to the left. For some reason, his laid-back style mixed with the luxurious room makes me smile.

“Do you like it?”

“This is amazing, who did you hire?” I gesture to the room, though I don’t give him any time to answer. “Is the rest of the house like this?” He nods, slightly shrugging. He might be used to this, but I’m not. “Can you show me?”

Harry laughs, gesturing for me to follow him. “To answer your initial question, I had Kelly Hoppen do it.”

I stop in my tracks, staring at him, mouth wide open and googly eyes. It doesn’t go unnoticed how naturally he just said that. “The Kelly Hoppen?” I might have a heart attack. I think he wants to laugh again as I look around me and gasp at everything once more. “Oh my God, Harry.” He does laugh then, dragging me by my arm all the way to the next room. “You don’t understand, I applied for a job there and cried when they didn’t answer.”

“Well, I’m sure it’s their loss.” I eye him sideways. Really? Did he just say that? “I did some research on your internship, y’know. Taylor Howes is one of the best studios in the country.”

“Yeah, but Kelly Hoppen is amazing. She did the Beckham’s house,” I point out. “and yours, apparently.”

“That means nothing.” He shrugs. “You can still apply in a while, right? After you have some experience?”

“I think so. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ll learn as much as I can on Taylor Howes” I comment while observing the details in this room. “but then I’m not sure. My initial idea was to open a small studio, I guess we’ll see.”

I look back and he’s leaning against the door, arms crossed and a grin on his face. “I’m sure you’ll be great.”

Tour done, I get on to cooking us a lasagna for dinner. Harry said he’d help but right now he’s sat on a stool, elbows resting on his kitchen counter, watching me. He gave up after he peeled and sliced an onion– that was his entire contribution to this meal.

“How did you learn to cook?” He asks after a few minutes of silence.

“My mom taught me,” I answer as I work on the first layer of lasagna sheets. “but I got a bit more practice after I moved to London.”

“That was three, four years ago, right?”

“Five, actually.” I tell him. “I was still seventeen, my grandparents got the house ready for me and I moved in late September – my birthday is in December. So, yeah, I was still really young.”

He nods in understanding. “How did you find it?”

“It was a bit lonely but, for the most part, I’m good with that.” I answer truthfully, focusing my attention on finishing with a layer of white sauce. “How did you find it when you left?”

He chuckles. “I missed my mom and my sister but I had a lot to entertain myself with.”

“Like going on live television.” I grin, finally putting the dish on the stove. I lean on the counter and look at him, arms crossed.

“Yeah – like that.” He chuckles but doesn’t take the bait to talk about it. Apparently, he’s solely focused on me tonight. “You have a brother, right?.”

“Jasper.” I nod, thinking back to when I last saw him in person in early October. We facetime often, but it’s not the same. “He’s six years older than me - works and lives in Brighton.”

“So, it’s just your mom and dad back in Birmingham?” He recalls a conversation where I told him where I was from. He told me about his childhood home that day and we shared our favourite things about our moms.

I shake my head. “Just mom and my childhood dog – Marty. Uh,” I scratch my neck, searching for the right words. “My parents got divorced when I was fifteen. I haven’t been in touch with my dad much since then.”

He seems conflicted, as if he wants to know more but he’s unsure if it’s okay for him to ask. I make it easier for him. “He was insufferable – the definition of drunk, liar and sexist. Those three are a dangerous combination. Believe me, I was more than okay when they went their separate ways.”

Harry’s chewing on his lower lip when I finish, a serious expression clouding his usual chirpy face, so I shut up. I don’t want to delve on it anyway, so I just check the lasagne. I bite my own lip in worry – did I talk too much? When I move to get back to my spot, though, Harry’s occupying it. He holds my right hand and pulls me slightly to him, enough to get our bodies just a few inches from each other. I stare at our hands while he mumbles “I’m sorry to hear that.”

I know what he means. I’m sorry your dad’s a douche. I’m sorry you don’t have a lot of good memories. I’m sorry he gave you enough trust issues you’re dead afraid of loving anyone. My face turns into a frown.

“Ha. Don’t be, it made me tougher.” I force a smirk, though he doesn’t follow. “Seriously, it’s fine.” I take my hand from his and move both to his face, holding his cheeks and curling his lips as upwards as I can. He pouts and we break into laughter at the same time. I realize my mouth’s moving only when my ears listen to what I’m saying. “You’re cute, y’know that?”

He grins, moving his hands from the counter to my waist. He brings me even closer, though he keeps his arms stretched enough so we’re still not quite touching. “Is that a compliment?”

I cross my arms, as I don’t know where else to safely put my hands. “What, you’re one of those guys who can’t be called cute?”

Harry shakes his head. “Course not. You can call me whatever you like.” I grin, unable to fight the urge to pull a piece of his hair backwards. He’s got a weird length going at the moment. “Was it ugly – the divorce?”

“Uh,” I bite the inside of my cheek, figuring out a way to get out of this conversation after I answer this. The largest part of me doesn’t want to share any of it, but there’s a tiny piece that wants to tell everything to this man. I let my hand fall from his hair to his shoulder. “A little.”

“How so?”

The tiniest begins a fight the other, urging for the words to leave my mouth. I think Harry notices, but I start talking before he can tell me it’s okay not to. “The divorce wasn’t that ugly, I guess he just decided he was done one day. I think he got himself a girlfriend and took off.” I start, though I’m not looking at him. Instead, I stare at our feet. One of his thumbs rubs my skin, over the shirt, encouraging me to go on. “It was a relief. It meant the fights were over.” I continue. “But it left a whole other problem. My dad was one of those men who thinks women belong in the kitchen, taking care of the kids, y’know the type? Having met my father really young, my mom didn’t go to college. She was forty years old when they divorced, never had worked a day in her life - it was harder to get back on our feet afterwards.”

“Did you have anyone helping?”

I shake my head. “My grandparents lived close. They live comfortably – they lived on the flat I live in when they were younger and then moved to Birmingham, where they bought their house now. They aren’t rich though. They helped as they could.” I shrug. “Mom had to take two cleaning jobs – it’s as honourable as any other job, but I can’t help but wonder what could have been, y’know? She loves kids, I think she’d have been a great teacher. Maybe.”

“I bet she would.” Harry smiles a little, his tone gentle. “Does she still work two jobs now?”

“No, no.” I shake my head. “My brother started working shortly after so he took care of himself. She helped with my tuition but my aunt pays me the hours I put in Memory Lane, and since I don’t pay rent, she’s free from her kids now.” I chuckle, though I stop when I start sharing a little too much again. I don’t know why I’m talking so much but it just feels safe. Harry feels safe. “Do you remember the boyfriend I told you about?” Harry frowns, nodding nevertheless. “He didn’t want me to come to London.”

“But you came here to study.” Harry points out, his frown deepening.

“Exactly.” I nod. “That’s the real reason I broke up with him.”

Harry smiles as my words hit him and I feel as if I don’t have any air right now. There’s a flash of pride in his eyes and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Fortunately, the oven’s time alarm rings and I look over.

Harry brings his right hand from my waist to the nape of my neck and brings his lips to my forehead. “I like you even more than I did before.” He whispers and moves to get the plates, as if he didn’t just make my heart beat three times faster than its normal rate.

&&

I’m coming round

I’ve got Wagamama for two

I let my face hit the kitchen counter, groaning in desperation. When I texted him saying I was stressed, I just wanted reassuring words – I didn’t mean for him to come running!

No! Go back to the studio!

I text quickly, even though I’m sure he’s not going to do as I say. My thesis presentation is tomorrow and I’m pretty sure I have my speech memorized, but my mind keeps making up ugly scenarios, so I keep rehearsing (and maybe crying).

I realize how close Harry was when the bell rings and I’m still in the same position. I groan, following Honey up to the door. “Hi.” I mumble, resting my weight on it. “Told you to go back.”

“Yeah, I ignored you.” He grins, stopping to plant a kiss on my cheek before making his way towards the kitchen. He places the bag on the counter and picks Honey up, placing a kiss on her head as well. “I need to distract you.”

“No, you do not!” I sit back on the stool and stare at my PowerPoint presentation. “I need to go over this two more times and then I’m going to bed.”

Harry shakes his head. “No, you’re going to eat dinner with me and then you’ll practice one more time” I’m making a face, but he doesn’t notice, as he’s going through cupboards in search of cutlery. I don’t help. “With me as an audience. Then, I’ll clean and you’ll go to sleep.”

I groan and turn my attention back to my papers. To no one’s surprise, I can’t really focus on the written words when Harry’s going through my drawers, now in search of forks and knifes. Naturally, I give myself thirty seconds to properly look at him, before going back to my project.

He has a little stubble going on today, probably due to his studio life, and his hair’s a bit messy, a few strands falling on his face. I really don’t think he’s taking the time to do his hair lately, but I decide I like how it is.

I go back to reading my notes, though I’m thinking how good he looks in blue jeans and how I’d pay him to wear them every day. I also take the time to note I’m wearing a pair of leggings and the oldest sweater I own, regretting the choices I made this morning when I got myself dressed.

“Here.” Harry hands me a plate and goes around the counter to sit next to me. “You had that same expression the first time we met,” He points, his lips curving upwards. “’s adorable.”

I blush, though it must not be the same, as I really was focused on studying that day and now, I might focused, but on other things. “Do you remember that day?”

“Yeah, I scared you to death,” He laughs. “You seemed so startled it’s funny.”

“Uh, you did scare me.” I agree. “And then all I could think about was how we didn’t have any Rolling Stones t-shirts.”

He laughs. “D’you wanna know something?

I eye him, nodding just enough so he continues.

A flash of mischief flashes through his eyes as he confesses, “That was mostly an excuse to talk to you.”

I feel my eyes widen and my cheeks redden as his words hit me, suddenly at loss for words.

He gets it, because he swiftly moves forward. “Anyway, did you walk Honey yet?”

I nod, my words coming out as a whisper. “Uh, I walked her this morning.”

“Don’t you walk her in the evening as well?” He narrows his eyes, probably trying to recall the exact conversation I told him that. “I’ll walk her while you get ready for bed.”

It’s like he didn’t just tell me he wanted to talk to me that first day. I gulp, trying to shake it off as well – at least for right now (I can think about it again tomorrow).

“There’s no need, she’s fine.”

Harry eyes me. “Are you always this annoying when you’re stressed?”

Despite his dig, I smile. “Yeah, I am.”

He chuckles, mentioning it’s always good to know that, and moves on to tell me about the new song he’s working on. I don’t get half of what he’s saying, but he seems excited, so I nod and look excited for him.

He takes the plates when we’re both finished and sits on the couch with Honey on his lap. Under his strict orders, I plug the laptop on the TV and stand next to it. I soon find that, if I can deliver this presentation under Harry’s gaze, I must deliver it swiftly tomorrow.

I exhale heavily once I’m done, exactly twenty minutes later. Though I messed up once, I quickly recovered from it so, for the first time today, I’m actually feeling positive.

Harry looks well impressed when I sit next to him. “That was pretty good, yeah?”

I hold back a grin, nodding. “Yeah. Thank you.”

“S’nothing.” He smiles. “Go get ready for bed while I walk Honey. If you really want to, I’ll let you go over it one more time before I go.”

“Yes please!”

He returns my smile and gets up, picking the leash I left on the side couch. He stops just before he goes through the front door, Honey already completely out and currently pulling him. “You sure I can’t go tomorrow?”

“I’m sure,” I try to dismiss him as nicely as I can. This is the third time he’s asked and I can tell he’d really like to show support, but I’ve thought long and hard about it. “I don’t want anyone there.”

He nods, resigned, and closes the door behind him.

¨

I can barely contain my grin, even if it’s been hours since my presentation was over. I had lunch with my aunt and Amy, who both congratulated me a million times. After that, I drove to a park with Amy and Max to have a little walk with Honey and eat huge pancakes because it’s a happy day (it’s justified). I’ve been home for an hour now, yet it still doesn’t feel real that I’m completely done with school. This is it – I’m on holiday until the beginning of January (when a whole new adventure will start).

I’m scrolling through my TV show app when my bell buzzes. Frowning, I ask who it is on the intercom and Harry Styles’s voice comes from it. I open the door up, taking the little time I have to check what time it is – it’s ten minutes past six pm. He should be at the studio right now, not on my building’s lift making his way to me.

I open the door as I hear the lift opening and Harry takes large steps until he’s right in front of me.

“Congratulations!” He grins widely, opening his free arm (he was a white box on his left hand) and pulling me in. “I knew you’d ace it!”

“Yeah, cause you’re an expert in interior designing and all.” I wrinkle my nose, letting him in. “What have you got there?”

He grins even wider, placing the box in the kitchen counter. I take a step closer as he takes a cake out of it. “Thought the occasion deserved a cake.”

I laugh when I see the white letters on the cake – it reads ‘Masters’ and has the checked emoji in front of it. “Thank you!”

“It’s carrot cake,” he informs me. “Do you like carrot cake?”

“Of course I like it! Let’s have a piece right now.” I dig for two plates as well as a cake knife and two forks. I’m cutting a piece for each when Honey finally comes from my room and he kneels down to pet her head. “H, take yours.” I hand in the plate, waiting for him to get up.

When he does, he has a strange smile on his face. “You just called me H.”

“I guess it came out.” I shrug. “You call me El all the time. C’mon, eat your cake.”

He takes it from me and we both head to the couch. “Shouldn’t you be at the studio?” I ask in between bites.

“I gave everyone an early night today.”

“Do you have anything else to do?”

He eyes me. “No – I told everyone to go home because I had to celebrate your win, not because anything else.”

“Thank you.” I smile. “Have you made much progress since last week?”

“I have one more song done – another two in the making.” He tells me. “’m not sure if they’ll all be used but I have a good start.”

“Uh, what are they about?” I’m now cross-legged on the couch again, staring at him. I smile with the familiarity of it all. Harry’s chewing his last piece of cake, so I elaborate. “Like, does the album have a theme or something?”

“Hm,” he swallows. “I don’t know. There’s a lot of different stuff going on at the moment. ‘m not sure.”

“Are you not sure or do you not want to share?”

“Ah, a little of both.” Harry chuckles, but I swear I catch a glimpse of apprehension in his expression. I think my eyes are deceiving me when his cheeks turn a soft shade of pink. What is he hiding?

I try to persuade him. “C’mon, it’s me! I had your phone for two weeks and I didn’t snoop a thing!”

“Uh,” He puts his plate down on the centre table and does the same to mine. I raise an eyebrow. “You’ll soon see, I promise you’ll be one of the firsts to have a listen.”

I make a face – unsure of what to take from it.

“Don’t make that face.” Harry laughs, poking my cheek with his finger. “It’s nothing bad, I promise. I just don’t want to freak you out.”

I don’t take his answer as he intends to. Instead, I become even more suspicious. “How would your album freak me out?”

“Ellie…”

“Harry.” I mimic him. “Tell me.”

He sighs. “You’re so stubborn.” I smile as he shakes his head, seemingly convinced. “There might be a song or two about you.”

I feel my eyes widen. My heart races. What did he just say?

“See? You’re freaked out.”

Harry chews on his bottom lip, waiting for me to react. I open my mouth to say something. Anything. But I’m not sure what to make of it. What are the songs about? Does he mean it in a friendly way? Is he even planning to use them?

“Why?” I finally ask, my voice low. I can’t take my eyes off of him, who closes his own for a second before opening them up and opening his mouth to speak.

“I think you know why.”

“I really don’t.”

“I could say it,” Harry pauses and I notice the moment he chooses his next words, determination flashing through his eyes. “Or I could show you.”

My eyes widen again and I’m at loss for words – does he mean…?

Suddenly, he drags himself on the couch and I have a warm hand on my left cheek. He tilts his head slightly, as if to ask permission, and I don’t even realize I have nodded my head until he brings his other hand to the nape of my neck and he kisses me.

Though it takes me a second before I realize what’s actually happening, I respond by pressing my own lips to his, covering them hard. I bring my own hand to rest on his, still on my cheek, and he takes it as a sign to deepen the kiss, bringing me closer with his reassuring grip. My other hand goes straight to his chest, gripping his t-shirt and bringing him to me, as if I’m willing to fight gravity to have his body as close to mine as humanly possible.

I think he notices we can’t get any closer with my legs crossed, so he brings his hands down to my legs and lifts me just enough to bring me halfway through his lap. Our lips don’t part as he does so, but we both release a content sigh as my butt lays on his thigh.

We don’t have time to think about what we’re doing, though, as he immediately takes my top lip in between his – a quiet groan exiting his body. I grip him by his shoulders, allowing the kiss to deepen once again.

We need air, however, so we both back away slightly. Our foreheads are touching when we both open our eyes and stare at each other. I immediately feel myself blushing, realization hitting me like a truck over the speed limit.

“I’ve been dying to do that for a very long time.” Harry whispers, pecking my lips once more, before he lets his head hit the couch’s pillow behind him. A giggle erupts from his chest and I can’t fight the smile that breaks through my lips.

“Oh God.” I hide my face on his neck, pure bliss, with a dash of embarrassment, invading my body at the same time. His arms wrap themselves around me and I decide I don’t want to think about anything else.

I want to be here, with him. I want to shut my insecurities and kiss the hell out of this man once more.

“I know you don’t want a relationship,” I close my eyes when his soft words hit my ears. “But I feel like I’ll regret it if I don’t take a shot anyway.”

“Harry…”

“Just,” He bites the inside of his lower lip. “Let’s hang out like we’ve been doing… but kissing in between.” I pull my head back just enough to look up at him. He stares back at me with a hint of a smile. “Don’t think, just answer me right now – do you think that would be nice?”

I’m nodding my head just enough for him to take it as an answer. “Yes.” I whisper. “There’s no doubt about that. But-”

“No buts. Don’t think about it.” He holds me tighter to him. “No labels – no anything. We’ll just be trying. Okay?”

My heart races as I think about what he’s suggesting. Will I be able to just go with the flow? To not think about what every gesture means – every peck on the lips, every hug, every cuddle? I’m almost certain I won’t – it’s against my nature.

So, I’m not sure why I’m nodding my head a second after and planting kiss on his neck, proceeding to rest my head on his shoulder and beginning an hour-long cuddle.

¨

D E C E M B E R

I think I’m going to die.

It’s been two days since I’ve seen Harry (or if you prefer: two days since we kissed like the world depended on it). We were supposed to have dinner yesterday, however I had the world’s biggest headache and fell asleep at six p.m.. I think Harry thought I was ignoring him, only realizing it was serious when I sent him a video message at midnight (when I transferred from the couch to the bed), looking like the newest addition to the The Walking Dead cast (playing a walker, obviously).

I’m not sure what prompted this flu, but it sure has progressed quickly. I’m still lying on the couch, a blanket wrapped around me, when my phone buzzes next to me.

Open the door for me please

I look down on my clothes while I get up from the couch, realizing I’m still in my pyjamas. The trousers have little lambs on them and the shirt is actually the face of one but, right now, I couldn’t care less. I have no energy to change. Instead, I wrap the blanket over me and make the way to the front door.

I feel a shiver come from the tips of my toes and spread through my body and I squeeze the blanket around me, sneezing afterwards. I huff, suddenly feeling hot. I leave the door opened and make my way back to the couch as Harry’s taking his time to come up.

My body has never ached this much and I let out a small cry while lying down again. My mom always told me I’m a big baby when sick but she should see me now – I can be even worse when sick and on my own.

After a few minutes, I finally hear the lift doors open and the footsteps that follow. I try to turn enough to see the front door from here, but since the couch faces the wall opposite to it, I quickly give up.

“El?”

“In here.” I answer, barely lifting an arm. “What took you so long?”

He doesn’t need to answer as he comes into my line of vision and I see the big Christmas tree he’s carrying.

“Hi,” Harry peeks from the side of the tree. “Where should I put this?”

The flu must have affected my thought process because I take a few extra seconds to respond. “Did you just buy me a tree?”

“Duh.” Harry chuckles, deciding to let it on the floor for a second. “You were upset earlier, so I brought it to you. Now you can have your tree up on December 1st, like tradition.”

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that I was supposed to go buy a Christmas tree in the morning and decorate it in the evening. Since I was little, my tree always went up on December 1st. Therefore, to say I was upset was an understatement – I made sure I shared my disappointment with everyone I knew, including Harry.

I pout, as if I’m about to cry. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met.”

Harry laughs, leaning down to plant a kiss on my temple. My lips curve in small smile as he sits by my side. “How’re you feeling?”

“My body hurts and I think I might have a fever.” I answer, pressing my cheek onto his palm when he cups my face. His hand’s a bit cold, but it is his hand. I decide it’s worth it. “I feel like shit. I probably look like it too.”

He moves his hand to my forehead and, then, takes a few hair strands out of my face. “You’re warm. Have you checked your temperature?”

I regrettably shake my head.

Harry purses his lips. “Do you have a thermometer?”

“In the bathroom.”

“Wait a sec, I’m going to get it.” He stands up and heads to the bathroom.

He comes back after a minute, handing me the thermometer. I accept it, placing it below my pyjama’s shirt without another word. Meanwhile, Harry finally decides to take his coat off. I know the room temperature is too high, since I made sure I set the heater on the maximum temperature a few hours ago, so it’s not really a surprise when he decides to take off his black hoodie too, settling for a white t-shirt. I shiver just by looking at him, though.

“While we wait, tell me where to put the tree.”

“It goes on that corner. You have to move the TV cabinet a little.”

He nods, jumping into action. I lie still as he drags the cabinet further away until he thinks it’s enough to fit the tree. He’s securing it up when the thermometer beeps. He doesn’t listen, so I sit up a little and drop my eyes to the black and white screen showing 38,5oC. I pout, placing it on the table and lying back again.

I’m covering my face with the blanket when Harry turns back to me. He snickers and closes the distance between himself and the couch, probably taking a peek at the thermometer on the way. He grabs the blanket and uncovers my face.

“You need to take something for the fever.” He tells me as if I’m a big baby. “Tell me where it is so I can grab it for you.”

“It’s in the cabinet above the microwave,” I mumble. I watch as he gets up, waiting until he comes back with medicine and water to continue. “God, I hate being sick.”

He half smiles. “I can see that.”

I eye him, as if daring him to say another word.

“Even your dog ran away from you,” Harry has the audacity to laugh. “I saw her snuggled in the bathroom.”

I make a face. “I take it back, you’re not kind. You’re mean.”

“’m sorry,” he chuckles, taking the water from me and placing it on table. “Lie down while I cut the net on the tree. We’ll leave it be for a few hours until we decorate.”

“We?” I ask. “You do know you’re doing it alone, right? I can’t move!”

“Let the medicine take effect and then we’ll see about that.” He orders. “Maybe take a nap. I’ll walk Honey and watch Netflix while you’re at it.”

I get comfy, gazing at him as he cuts the net and frees the branches. I’m thinking how nice it’d be to have a photo of this moment when I black out.

The first thing I notice when I wake is the lack of light coming in through the windows - I must have been asleep for a few hours. The second thing I notice is Harry sitting at the end of the couch.

I take a few seconds to look at him. He’s focused on whatever he’s watching (I don’t turn so he doesn’t notice movement), running his index finger on his lower lip and squinting his eyes a little when he listens to specific parts. He’s wearing his hoodie again and his hair is a little more tamed today, which makes me smile.

I decide I’ve stared enough, so I turn a little and his eyes immediately find me.

“Hey.” I whisper, stretching just enough to test how my body feels. Still hurts a little. “What time it it?”

“A little over six,” He tells me without checking. “You’ve been asleep for two hours. I’ve taken Honey out and searched for your Christmas decorations.”

“Did you find ‘em?”

“Yes,” He points to the boxes on the floor, with a sleeping Honey next to them. “You told me this morning you couldn’t possibly go down to the garage. I just needed to find the key and which door to open.”

I giggle. “Did you take long?”

“Nah.” He smiles. “Do you feel better?”

“My head’s not hurting that much, but I still feel like a truck ran me over.”

“I went to the pharmacy on our walk,” he signs between him and Honey. “I bought Afrin for your blocked nose and more Ibuprofen.” He doesn’t notice the face I pull, so he continues. “I also brought that water bottle from my car so you drink more water. It’s full.”

I look over to the table and notice the rainbow letters spelling ‘treat people with kindness’ over the bottle. He has the same sentence written over his black hoodie. “Are you always surrounded by your own merch?”

“Maybe.” He laughs. “Anyway, you think you can help me decorate the tree?”

“I can take the baubles and bows out of the boxes while you put the lights on.” I offer, choosing something I can do while sitting down. “Do you think you can handle that?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me to move them over at least ten times, but I’ll do it anyway.”

I laugh because he’s right.

For the next twenty minutes, Harry struggles with the lights, taking steps back and forward as he changes the spots he places the lights on. I try not to notice the cute frown that appears on his face every time he’s indecisive, focusing on my task instead, but it’s a rather difficult thing to do.

I find myself looking back at him more than I care to admit.

I’ve acknowledged that I’ve always had an interest in Harry. That’s the truth – he had the ability to suck me in right from that first day. However, I find that, as of lately, I feel the overwhelming need to watch his every movement. Every frown, pout or raised eyebrow. Every smile, grin or laugh. I want to hear every word he has to say.

Harry steps away from the tree again. This time, though, he nods his head and looks at me. I push the scary thoughts away and look over at the tree, nodding my own head in the process.

“Nice job.”

He seems surprised. “You like it?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “There’s not a spot missing. You’ve done well.”

“Thanks, I’ve not done this in a long time.”

I lie back on the couch, surrounded by baubles. I pull the blanket a little tighter, even though I’m not as cold as before. “What do you mean?”

“Usually, my mom already has the tree up when I get home for Christmas.” He explains, accessing all the baubles beside me on the couch, plus the little red bows on the floor. “Are we supposed to use all of these?”

“That depends on the colour scheme we choose.”

“Colour scheme?!” His eyes widen.

I giggle. “Red and white or red and gold?”

Harry looks at the baubles on more time, before telling me his preference. “Let’s go red and gold. What d’you think?”

“Seems good. C’mon, I’ll help with this part.” I say as I get up from the couch, leaving the blanket behind. “So,” I choose a bauble and go over to the tree. “Your mom puts the tree up before you go home. What about your house? Do you not have a tree here?”

“I don’t.” He places his own bauble beside mine as he answers.

I look over at him, mouth slightly opened in surprise. What does he mean, he doesn’t have a tree? “Why?”

“Sometimes I’m in LA, sometimes I go on vacation.” He shrugs. “I don’t see the point if I’m not spending Christmas there.”

“But the leading up to Christmas is the most fun!” I argue while we get new ornaments. “What about this Christmas? You’ve been in London for a while. Are you planning on going on holiday?”

He shakes his head in response. “I don’t know what to tell you,” He chuckles. “I guess my definition of home is a little messed up for now. For Christmas, anyway, my home is Holmes Chapel. I’m fine if I have no tree wherever I am, as long as I have one there.”

I stare at him, not sure if I find his situation quite adorable or a bit worrying. He notices my indecisiveness, holding me by the shoulders and dragging me back to the couch.

“Don’t read too much into it,” He says while handing me a bow. “I never even thought about it.”

“But that’s sad, Harry!” I argue, pouting. “You haven’t decorated a tree in what, four years?”

“More like six.” He’s fighting a smile, though I don’t understand why. “I haven’t missed it, I promise! Let’s go back to decorating yours before you get too tired to stand, alright?”

I do as he says, though I’m thinking on how I can improve his Christmas spirit this year. I think about the Memory Lane’s Christmas layout and make it a point to show him my plans. Maybe I can persuade him to join me next week to make it happen.

We work beside each other for another few minutes, until I get too tired and land back on the couch. I don’t think Harry minds when I tell him to place the other ornaments himself while I give him orders, though I’m not sure he appreciates when I tell him to stand by the tree so I can take a few photos. In fact, he rolls his eyes (he does fix his hair and hoodie before posing, so that must mean he doesn’t mind that much, right?).

I lie down with my eyes closed while Harry puts the ornaments we didn’t use back on the boxes and puts them by the front door. I hear Honey following him through the house and my lips curve into a small smile, picturing it in my head.

Harry offers to make dinner and we end up eating scrambled eggs and toast, as I can’t think of eating anything more. We’re back on the couch shortly after, Harry’s lap serving as my pillow as we watch The Holiday to keep my little tradition going. He’s running his fingers through my blonde locks and I fight the urge to close my eyes, though it’s getting harder by the minute.

Cameron Diaz has not yet discovered that Jude Law’s a widower when I give up. I close my eyes and sigh, suddenly feeling like I wouldn’t mind if this turned out to be a new tradition. Falling asleep on Harry’s lap isn’t so bad.

“El?”

I hm when I hear his voice, not quite opening my eyes.

“You should take a shower and go to bed, babe,” he takes the hair out of my face so he can see me, so I open my eyes just enough to look at him. “Can you breathe fine?”

I shrug. “I think I have to sleep with a few pillows tonight.”

He’s nodding in understanding when I hear myself again. “You could stay.” It’s barely a whisper, but I’m sure my eyes give away the panic I feel when I register the words I just said. “I mean, if you want to. Uh. You know what? Nevermind, I-”

“El.” He stops me with a chuckle. “Of course I’ll stay with you.”

I hold back a smile. “Thank you.”

“Now go take a shower and change your pyjamas,” He shoos me. “I have to make a bed out of this couch.”

I furrow my eyebrows as I get up. “This couch is small.” I say, folding the blanket and droping it on the couch. “I can’t sleep on here and we’re practically the same height. You can sleep on the bed.”

Harry smirks. “Are you sure, Frosty?”

“I’m sure you won’t take advantage of a sick girl, yeah.” I roll my eyes. “Also, I look like shit. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to anyway.”

“Are you one-hundred percent sure about that?”

I stop when I notice his smile. “Uh, yeah?”

“Because you’re the most beautiful sick person I’ve seen in my life.”

“Uh.” I cough. Unfortunately, it’s not an awkward cough. As a matter of fact, it’s a side effect of having the flu and I have to take a gulp of water to calm it down. “Ugh. Do you stand by your sentence now?”

Harry looks smug. “One-hundred percent.”

&&

How’re you feeling?

Much better, I can finally breathe again

Not snoring anymore, then?

You’ll never sleep next to me again!!

You wanna bet on that?

Anyway, I’m leaving my sister’s birthday dinner now

Do you want a piece of cake?

First: you’re sounding way too confident

Second: you’re not bringing me a piece of your sister’s cake

Why not?

She offered!

Fine, I’ll have a bit

But say thank you for me!

&&

It’s Friday when Harry and I can both align our schedules to work on Memory Lane’s Christmas layout.

I’ve ran my ideas past my aunt as soon as I felt better, going on shopping trips with both her and Amy. Though I’d prefer not to, I also had to ask them if it was fine by them to have Harry come by to help. Unsurprisingly, Amy gave me a knowing smile and said it was fine by her. My aunt, however, stared at me for a few seconds before breaking into a grin and nodding.

I close the store’s blinders as soon as we close, leaving the four of us protected from prying eyes.

“Let’s start!” I clap, picking the few pieces of paper I brought along. “Aunty and Amy, you’ll be doing the display. Do you have all the little bears you’ll need?” I eye both of them, nodding when I see the

huge box Amy picks up. “Right. Harry, you and me will move the furniture around so we can put the Christmas tree in the middle. I’ll need you to pick up the boxes, that thing is huge.”

He nods assertively, trying to hold in a grin. “Right, m’am.”

I eye him. “It’s a serious task.”

“’Course it is.” He chuckles. “I just like when you’re bossy.”

Amy coughs and I turn to her, catching my aunt’s knowing grin in the process.

I blush, hitting Harry’s bicep. “Shush.”

“What?”

“We’ll pick up those boxes now,” I say loudly, more for my aunt to hear than Harry. I grab his arm and drag him through the back door. I wait until we go downstairs to the storehouse to turn to him, arms crossed. “You can’t say things like that in front of my aunt!”

“I didn’t say anything bad!”

“It’s how you said it.” I eye him. “She picks up on things fast. She’s also super close to my mom, she’ll open her mouth before we even leave the store!”

He nods. “Alright-”

I’m agreeing with him as he’s saying “Only if I get a kiss first”.

He grins, closing the distance between us. “I haven’t kissed you since that first time,” He comments, taking my hand on his. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you got sick on purpose.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, ‘cause kissing you is such a burden.”

He wiggles his eyebrows, a grin breaking through his lips. “Oh, you like it, then?”

“Shut up.”

“Alright.”

He’s still chuckling when he brings his mouth to mine. He starts slow, but soon his tongue is in my mouth like he’s been there his whole life and he knows exactly what to do. He wraps his hands around me, bringing me closer to him – our chests come together beneath the Christmas sweaters I brought for everyone and I bring my hand to his hair, pulling him towards me just as he starts to slow down.

He gives me a small peck on the corner of my mouth before he pulls back, a grin in his face.

“Uh.” I unconsciously touch my lips, feeling my lips curve upwards to mirror his grin. “Right.”

“Should we go?”

I nod, though I burst in laughter just as we grab the first box.

He’s laughing too, though he seems lost as to why. “What?”

“I mean,” I shake my head, wiping a tear from the corner of my eye. “If you’d told me we’d be here today, making out behind my aunt and best friend’s backs, I’d tell you you were crazy.”

“I wouldn’t.”

I widen my eyes at his response. “What do you mean?”

“I mean exactly that.” He grins, pulling me closer to him again. “I mean that I’ve always had a thing for you, though you didn’t seem too interested.”

“What do you mean I didn’t seem interested?” I cry. “I was a blubbering mess the first time we spoke!”

“Well,” He shrugs. “I didn’t know if you were shy with everyone or just with me.”

I rest my forehead on his shoulder. “I’ve had a crush on you since that first time.”

I feel him laughing, before he keeps going. “The feeling’s mutual.”

I pull back just enough to look at him, failing to hold back a happy smile. ““Shall we go back now?” He nods.

I give him a peck and we both go back to our boxes.

Neither Amy or my aunt say anything when we come back up, both carrying huge boxes. We end up bringing them all up before re-arranging the furniture.

We start on the tree shortly after. I help Harry with the lighting, since this one’s a little more complicated than mine was – we need a ladder, after all. Harry’s wrapped in fairy lights, wearing a Christmas sweater and a Santa hat when I take a picture of him, promising to send him later so he can text it to his mom (I also set it as my contact picture). Then, we proceed to the decoration and both my aunt and Amy come to help us.

It’s a few hours until we’re finally done and both of them leave, leaving Harry and I alone, under the pretence of taking Instagram pictures.

Instead, we lay down on the floor next to the Christmas tree, making out like two adolescents.

&&

Should I buy popcorn for our B99 marathon?

Sure

Are you coming before or after dinner?

I have to organize myself, I need to walk and bathe Honey today

Before

In fact, I’m coming right now

Wait for me to give her a bath, I want to see that!!

&&

It’s December 10th. Some would say you still have loads of time to buy Christmas gifts, while others will have theirs already bought and wrapped, stuffed under their tree and ready to go. As for me, I like to start once the month begins - although, most likely, I’ll still have something to buy by December 23rd.

That’s how Harry and I end up on Regent Street on a Monday. It’s still early – barely fifteen minutes after nine, but we established from the start that we should go early so we’d avoid crowds. We both have hot drinks on our hands – coffee for him, hot chocolate for me – while we walk and decide which stores we want to go in.

I’ve decided I want to give a Timberland watch to my brother, though I have no clue what to give to my mom. Harry, on the other hand, has told me he has a lot of gifts to buy for children, as he has a lot of cousins and friends’ kids. We decided we would start with clothes and accessories, and end on a toy’s store, as I have to buy something for Max too.

When I realize, Harry’s turning to the Burberry store. I gulp, it suddenly hitting me just with whom I’m shopping. Nevertheless, I follow him, holding my cup of hot chocolate tightly with both hands.

There are two women working the store. They both have a sparkling dress on and their makeup is flawless. Suddenly, I feel underdressed, in my jeans and furry coat. If this is the kind of store Harry’s going to drag me in, I’m glad I, at least, wore my heeled boots today.

The first one eyes my cup as I take a sip and I notice she’s about to tell me off, but then she looks to the man next to me and her eyes grow in size.

Her scowl instantly turns into a grin and she walks over to us.

"Mr. Styles, how can we help you today?” Her tone is overly sweet, though I’m sure that wouldn’t be the one she was going to use on me. I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

“Hi,” Harry smiles at her. “We’ll just look around for a bit, thank you.”

I move behind him when he walks over to one of the displays, holding my cup carefully - if I spill the hot drink on this floor, I’ll have nightmares for a week.

“What are you looking for?” I ask while admiring the trench coats.

“I think my mom likes these handbags.” He runs his index finger on his lip, an almost unnoticeable frown appearing in his expression.

I smile, deciding to walk the few steps between us and look over at the handbags.

“They’re pretty!”

“’M not sure which to buy, though.” He seems undecided, looking from bag to bag. “My sister usually comes with me when I buy stuff for my mom.”

“Well, I can try to help you,” I offer. “But you can also wait for your sister input. Are you seeing her again soon?” I ask, since I knew he was with her over the weekend.

“She’s coming over for dinner next Wednesday.” He answers, picking a handbag up from the display. “I think I’m good with your help though. What do you think of this one?” He’s turning it around so he can analyse every angle.

"I like it,” I nod. It’s a tote bag, Burberry’s new model, with a simple enough design, though it has a belt as its main feature. The one Harry picked up comes in white and blue, but I personally think it’s a safer choice if he chooses a standard colour. “I’d prefer it in grey or black. Maybe maroon. Does your mom have a go-to colour?”

“She likes black.” He puts it down and picks up the black one. “Are we sure about the model? Should we go for this one or for one of those?”

I walk over to the display he just pointed out. Its main feature is the sides, where they printed Burberry’s classical pattern. I purse my lips, looking over to the first one again to compare both.

“How many handbags does your mom own?”

“I don’t know!” He seems offended that I just asked such a question. I chuckle. “A few? I gave her a Michael Kors for her birthday last year.”

“Then I’d give her that one.” I point to the handbag still in his hands. “This one’s great if you don’t have a lot cause it’s a timeless design. But if she has more designer bags, I’d choose that one.” I explain, my eyes slowly dropping to the price tag attached to one of these, since I could use a nice handbag to take to work in January.

I gulp at the price, quickly turning back to Harry.

“You’re good, then?”

“I think so,” He nods. “Do you want to take a look around?”

“Nah, I’m good.” I shake my head, almost telling him this is all way over my pay check. I think he knows that, though. “Go pay, I’ll go finish my hot chocolate outside.”

I eye the handbags one more time and leave, enjoying the little sun we’re getting.

I take the time to finally tell my mom I’m going home on Saturday, as she’s been asking me just about every day since I got sick. According to her, I may have a relapse and I should be home so she can take care of me. I don’t tell her I was good enough in Harry’s care, as she’s better off without knowing that for now.

She’s also better off not knowing I only decided when I was going home this morning, when Harry told me he’s flying to Los Angeles next Sunday.

I can admit now that I wasn’t sure when I should head to Birmingham because I didn’t know when Harry was leaving London for Holmes Chapel. As much as I want to hit myself because of that, it’s the truth. I have come to terms that I want to spend as much time as I can with him and I’m not sure what’s going to happen in January, so I want to enjoy while I can.

I’m answering Amy’s snapchat with a selfie when Harry materializes next to me, jumping in on my picture. I nearly jump when I feel his lips on my cheek, holding their position until I get the shot. He pulls back, though he throws an arm around my shoulders and brings me to him just enough to plant a kiss on my temple.

I forget Amy and put the phone back in my pocket.

“There are people out, Harry.” I remind him, bringing my fingers to his wrist so he understands what I’m implying. I bite the inside of my cheek, missing the extra weight as soon as he withdraws his arm. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry.” He shakes his head. “I should be the one aware of that. Instead, I just want to touch you.”

I blush. “Alright, you can hold my pinky for the next minute.”

Even though he understands I’m joking, he hooks his little finger on mine. I laugh, but I really want to cry with what he’s making me feel. I look around us, spotting exactly five people – there’s a couple around their fifties on the other side of the street, a lady who looks like she could be my grandmother and a group of three guys that look like they rather listen to 21 Savage then Harry Styles.

I try not to think about how I can regret it later. Instead, I unlock our fingers and grab his hand. I agreed to trying – this is trying.

“El,” Harry warns, looking around us as well. “Thinking we’re in the clear doesn’t mean we actually are.”

“I know.” I nod, plastering a smile on my face, even though he just fuelled my fear. “I can see Timberland from here, though, let’s just enjoy until we get there and that’s it. Yeah?”

Harry laughs. “Alright. Your wish is my command.”

“You do realize I’m granting you your wish, right?” I wrinkle my nose. “You just said, and I quote, ‘I just want to touch you’. Needy much, Styles?”

“Yeah,” He nods his head vigorously. “I won’t even deny that. I am needy when it comes to you.”

I don’t even care that I’m blushing again. I bet he’s used to it by know. “Oh yeah?”

“Yes. It’s been too many days since I last kissed you.”

“That’s on you – you could have dropped by yesterday.” I tease, since I know he wanted to but the producer he was meeting with dragged their session through the night.

“You’re mean to me.” He brings his hand to his heart, as if I just shot him. “Thanks for the selfie, by the way. Your grey-ish eyes and cute bun inspired me immensely.”

“Stop making me blush, Harry!” I groan, bumping my shoulder into his.

“Alright.” Harry laughs. “Anyway, I was thinking, do you want to come over for dinner of Wednesday?”

I gulp. “As in, dinner with you sister?”

“My sister and Michael, her boyfriend, yeah.” Harry nods, as if he didn’t just throw a damn bomb at me.

What am I supposed to do? Can I even say no without sounding like a bitch?

I pull a lock of hair behind my ear, trying my best not to look as nervous as I just became. “Uh, are you sure?”

“I can see your mind racing.” Harry chuckles, brushing his shoulder on mine. “It’s just dinner with my sister, she’s known about you for awhile anyway.”

“Knowing and meeting are two different things.” I point out.

He nods slowly. “It’s ok if you think it’s too fast. You can say no, El.”

“I’m not saying no.” I blurt. “You just took me by surprise. I’ll go.”

He doesn’t seem convinced. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” I stick my tongue out, just as we arrive in front of the store.

&&

Does your sister like cheesecake?

I think so, why?

I’m making dessert

I won’t say no to that

Also, bring Honey

Your sister’s not a dog person! I’m not taking Honey

She does like dogs, she was just teasing me that time

I miss Honey

Bring her to me!

Alriiiiight

&&

I arrive at Harry’s at five.

I don’t even bother to lock my car, as I’m holding Honey’s leash, a thermal bag with the cheesecake in and an enormous Christmas wreath. I don’t have enough hands to press Harry’s bell either, so I’m glad when he shows at the door when I’m still a few steps away from it.

Honey immediately tugs on the leash to get to him, so I let the leash go and she runs free. I try not to get jealous that she gets a hug before me, but I haven’t seen him yesterday and I want a hug too. I try not to fasten my pace.

“What have you got there?” Harry smiles, looking over from Honey to me.

“A Christmas wreath for your front door!” I return his wide smile, holding the wreath so he can see it clearly as I approach him. “I just thought you should have something in your house – especially with your sister coming and everything. I thought about getting a small Christmas tree – like, the really tiny ones, but I was ninety-nine per cent sure you wouldn’t have any baubles... so I got this instead. Do you like it?”

He chuckles. “Yes, I do like it.”

I’m now in front of Harry, waiting for him to stand up so I can greet him. He’s petting Honey while looking up at me, though. He could have been the needy one last Monday, but we’ve changed positions and I am the one wanting contact now.

Therefore, in a complete un-Ellie fashion, I bend down just enough to peck him on the lips.

Harry looks surprised, his eyes sparkling with amusement. I giggle, stepping beside him to get to the kitchen (my cheesecake needs to get to the freezer ASAP).

I feel his presence behind me just as I pass the front door, though he only makes it noticeable when I take the box out of the bag and put the dessert into the freezer. I’ve barely closed its door when Harry turns my body around and presses me to the fridge.

I gulp.

“Hi,” He grins, taking my bottom lip in between his a second later.

I let him deepen the kiss, feeling both breathless and the most alive at the same time. I join both my hands on the base of his neck, letting out a small whimper as his tongue touches mine. It’s probably not the time, but I find myself wondering how the hell did we get here.

He parts the kiss, making a way of small open-mouthed kisses from my mouth to my neck. I pant, giggling as a school girl. “Now,” I manage to say. “This puts my little peck in the corner.”

He laughs, his breathing hitting my neck. I squirm, suddenly ticklish. “Well, I liked it.”

“Good.” I bring him to my eye level again. “I liked it too, though I liked your version better.”

He doesn’t even bother to respond verbally, joining our lips together again.

“Uh,” I manage to say as I plant my hands on his cheeks to move his face backwards. “We have to hang the wreath, H.”

“We can do it later.” He tries to close the distance I created, pouting when I take a step to the side.

“We can do that later.” I laugh, taking enough pity to land my lips on his one last time – it’s quick, a peck at best. “Now c’mon, it’ll take five minutes.”

I think he wants to complain, but he does what I say.

Gemma petted Honey for the majority of the night, told me embarrassing stories of Harry and ate two pieces of my cheesecake by half past nine.

Though we started off making out in his kitchen, Harry and I both agreed we’d keep the PDA to a minimum (if any, really) in front of his sister. I was introduced as his friend. As I thought, Gemma knew all about Memory Lane, our switched phones and the sheenigans we’ve found ourselves in since then. I also believe she knows all about the kisses and ‘giving it a try’ but she doesn’t mention it, and neither do we.

I find myself sat next to her on the couch, talking about life. I tell her how scary it feels to go from studying interior design to actually working on the area, especially in a renown firm. She tells me her own experience and hands enough advices to calm my racing heart.

By the time Harry and Michael come join us (after the first five seconds of girly talk, they left the dinner table to go outside with Honey), Gemma and I have decided we want to watch the new A Christmas Prince movie on Netflix - neither of them decide to argue our choice, probably because they know better.

Everything goes downhill about ten minutes before the movie ends.

I don’t grab my phone from my pocket right when it buzzes for the first time. It’s a text, I can reply later. However, it keeps buzzing, so I give in and find a string of texts from Amy.

I know it’s bad right from the moment I read the first one.

I’m not sure I should be telling you this, but I think you should know

What is it?, I text her back right away, eyeing Harry from the corner of my eye. He’s been keeping his distance, even throughout the movie, so I don’t think he can read what we’re saying.

There’s a photo of you and Harry going around

She sends the picture right after and I want to excuse myself and hide in the bathroom. The picture is not bad – in fact, I know it could be a lot worse. Someone pictured Harry and I saying goodbye to each other when he dropped me off at Memory Lane. It’s a busy street at lunchtime, so we settled for a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek for him (Harry does love to give me forehead kisses, so he chose that spot this time around too).

What scares me the most is I thought no one was noticing us. I could have grabbed his hand like I did that morning – or worse, I could have kissed him goodbye.

His words ring in my mind - “Thinking we’re in the clear doesn’t mean we actually are”. He knew what he was saying, but I thought it would be fine. Was this the only photo from that day? What else did they have?

That’s not all though

What do you mean?

I found out because Ashley texted me

I cringe, feeling the need to close my eyes as I wait for her next text. Ashley was one of our colleagues in college – and not a nice one at that, so I only expect the worse. If Amy found out through her, it means Ashley saw the photo.

Amy seems to lack the words because, after what feels like forever, she ends up sending me a screenshot of their conversation. I read through it, feeling like someone just put a dagger through my stomach. I read through the texts quickly, feeling a knot when she gets her point across – she thinks I got into Taylor Howes because I have “friends in high places”.

Amy texts Please don’t freak out right after, but she’s too late.

I want to bring my legs up to my chest, hide my face in between my knees and sob.

This - this is what I was afraid of.

“El?”

I jump, startled. I look to Harry, then to the TV – the movie is over.

“Is everything alright?”

“Uh,” I try to come up with an excuse, fast. “I- I have to go.”

He furrows his eyebrows, standing up right after me. “Hey, what’s going on?” He grabs my forearm gently, his tone merely a whisper.

I look over at Gemma, who’s half asleep on her boyfriend’s shoulder. I’m torn between going without another word or saying goodbye. “Amy texted me.” I blurt. “She had a fight with her boyfriend, she asked if she could go over to my flat.I said yes.” I lie through my teeth. The urge to cry only deepens when I see his expression soften in understanding.

I feel like the worst person on Earth.

I end up saying goodbye to Gemma and Michael, standing by my story. I pick Honey up from her spot on Harry’s carpet and walk to the door with Harry behind me.

I barely let him give me a goodbye peck on the lips, before I turn and go home.

&&

El, can I come over today?

We need to talk

Ellie?

Don’t do this, let me talk to you

You can come by after seven.

&&

I’m lying on my couch, wondering how this is going to go when Harry knocks on my door – no text to give a girl a warning this time. I gulp at the same time Honey jumps from her spot to run to the door. Unlike the last few times he’s visited, I take my time to get there.

My heart is threatening to jump out of my chest. I want to start crying now, knowing fully well this is not going to end up well. I bite the inside of my cheek so hard when I open the door, I taste blood. I swallow, barely forcing a smile when I lay my eyes on him.

Harry frowns deeply when he looks at me. “You look tired.”

“Yeah,” I purse my lips. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

The truth is I lied in bed all night, wide awake, thinking about how could I ever let this happen. There was a reason why I didn’t want a boyfriend for the time being. I knew things almost never went perfectly – I had the perfect example at home. However, instead of listening to myself, I had to go and give it a try with Harry Styles.

He nods slightly, stopping to acknowledge Honey when she hits his leg with her tiny paw. “Hi there, baby,” he kneels to pet her. “Did you give your mommy lots of cuddles today?”

Despite the sadness that overwhelms me, my lips curve upwards. I want to take a picture of this moment and place it in my fridge so I can look back at it in a few months and see how things were.

Harry decides to pick her up and move to the couch, leaving me to close the door and drag my feet behind him.

I’m barely on the couch when he goes straight to the point

“There was no Amy yesterday, was there?” His tone is not accusatory, which eases my racing heart.

I shake my head. “No.”

He bites his lower lip as he nods. “You saw the photo.” It isn’t a question. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“The problem wasn’t the photo, necessarily.” I confess, barely holding his gaze. I’ve had enough time to decide how I want this conversation to go. I won’t lie to him. “There’s more to it.”

“Then tell me,” He asks, letting Honey go to the floor so he can focus his attention on me.

Instead of returning his gaze, however, I watch as Honey picks her toy from the floor and takes it to her small bed.

“You can talk to me, Ellie.”

I meet his eyes, sighing. “I don’t know if you noticed but my thesis project was ambitious. I worked my ass off. I think it was why Taylor Howes showed interest in me.” I watch as he nods, even if confused. I can tell he’s not sure where my train of thought is leading. “I had big partnerships as well, they were not easy to get – especially to me, as I don’t have any connections in the area. There’s a reason I didn’t let you come watch my thesis, Harry.” I confess, biting my lip hard.

I watch as realization hits him.

“I was afraid the jury wouldn’t take me seriously if they recognized you,” I make myself say the words, as I’m sure they’ll hurt him. “I was afraid they’d think you got me all the connections I had worked to get.”

He runs a hand through his hair, sighing heavily. “Okay.” He nods, as if he’s trying to accept it. I’m not sure if I want him to. “That’s not related to the photo, though. What happened?”

“Someone I know texted Amy last night,” I gather my thoughts. “She implied you got me the Taylor Howes internship.”

“That’s obviously bullshit.”

“Yes, you and me both know that.” I say. “But that photo burst the bubble I put us in, Harry. I can’t have people ask me about you on my first day! I won’t have my co-workers doubting my job. Worst, what if the partners think you did help me?”

I flinch when I catch a glimpse of hurt in his expression. I know I’m being extremely selfish. But I’m afraid not being selfish about this will bite me in the ass in a few years. I don’t want to be in my mother’s position.

I won’t be.

“I can’t take that photo down, Ellie.” His shoulders sag down, realizing he can’t do anything about it.

I want to cry when he lets out an exasperated sigh. “I know.”

“What do you want, then?” He stands up, walking towards the window and looking outside, as if it’ll make the situation any better. He turns back to me when I don’t answer immediately. “Do you want to end this?”

I feel my eyes fill with tears. “I-”

Harry looks as if I just slapped him. “You do.”

“I don’t know.” I cry, getting up as well. “I just know I can’t be seen with you. People will doubt me.”

“You know,” He seems as if he can’t believe he’s living this moment. “I thought our biggest enemy was your past and it’d be okay because I could prove I would never hurt you.” He laughs in irony, quickly concluding his train of thought. “But I now realize I’m fighting myself and that’s a battle I’m never going to win.”

“I’m sorry.” I go to him, catching both his arms with my hands before he can escape. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt either of us.” I choke back a sob. “I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid we’ll break up one day anyway and I’ll be the one who has to deal with the consequences.”

“Ellie,” He shakes his head. “You can’t be always expecting things to end. We could work out, babe, I know-”

I’m shaking my head as the words leave his mouth. “You said so yourself, Harry, it’s happened to you before. Your last girlfriends, you were in different stages and-”

“Don’t.” He points a finger at me, setting himself free from my hold. “Don’t do that. My past girlfriends were nothing like you. There’s no comparison there.”

“Still,” I try to argue.

He doesn’t let me. “No. Both of them had to travel as much as I did – we’d never see each other. God, they wanted to be seen with me!”

“We’ll never see each other, Harry!” I yell, ignoring the last part. “You’re going to Los Angeles, aren’t you? You have your whole life there! I’ll stay here!”

I have thought about it a lot since last night. How will it be when he goes to Los Angeles? Will I trust him to be the man I know he is, or will doubt creep in and I’ll end up sabotaging things for myself? What will be my reaction when a photo of him with a girl finds its way to the Internet?

The reasonable part of me wants to think I’ll be fair; but I have my father’s example to go on and I just know I won’t always be understanding.

“I might not!” He yells back, pushing his hair back when he realizes what he just said. His expression gives it away – he didn’t want to share that. “I asked Jeff if I could record the album in London. I didn’t want to go back with you here.” He confesses in a whisper.

I don’t feel the two tears that fall from my eyes until Harry takes two steps towards me and wipes them away with his fingers.

“I’m sorry.” I cry. “You- you shouldn’t move back because of me. I-”

“This is such bullshit.” He turns back around, clearly frustrated. “It doesn’t matter what I say. You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?”

I feel myself choking.

“You said you weren’t ready for a relationship, but I feel like if I was any other bloke, you’d be all in by now.” He says, his voice sturdy.

“That’s just it, though. I don’t want it with anyone else, but I can’t be with you.”

“That’s it, then? We’re done, just like that?”

“The time is just not right,” I try to explain the best I can. “If it was in a year. A few months, even,” I’m not sure what I’m saying, but I keep going, even if he’s shaking his head. “I’m sorry, H. I don’t know what to say, I-”

“You don’t need to say anything.” He pauses in the middle of my living room, taking a second to asess the situation we found ourselves in. “It’s just so unfair, Ellie.” He shakes his head, grabbing his coat.

I open my mouth to stop him from leaving, but nothing comes out.

I watch as he leaves, feeling my heart break in two.

&&

I’m sorry I took off, I want to talk to you before I go to LA

I’m back home for Christmas already

I’m sorry

&&

It’s Christmas Eve today. It’s also my birthday.

I’ve been awake since eight, since my lovely brother broke a glass in the kitchen and it stirred me awake. By half past ten, I’m driving myself nuts. I keep looking at my phone, hoping for a simple Happy Birthday text from Harry, even if I haven’t heard from him since the Friday after our falling out, when he texted me saying he wanted to talk.

I might not deserve it, but my heart aches for it. I miss him.

It’s been two and half hours of agony. I don’t think my mom and brother know what to do with me anymore. They’ve given me my gifts and tried to engage conversation a zillion times, but I keep checking my phone. I don’t have the right to expect a birthday text when I broke things off because of who he is, but I can’t help it.

I got home at about two o’clock in the morning after our fight - if you call it a fight, considering we were both more upset than angry with each other, and as soon as my mom opened the door for me, I broke down in tears; she asked me about it that night, but I shook my head and decided not to share.

Since then, I feel like both she and my brother have been walking on eggshells around me. Jasper has tried to ask me about it as well, probably my mother’s doing, but I shut him down too. I think I’m afraid they’ll tell me I’m making a mistake. I know I’m being selfish – however, I don’t know how not to be.

I decide to go for a walk with Honey in order to clear my head, and I decide to leave my phone purposely at home, hoping it does me good. There’s a woodland near my mom’s house, so I take Honey by the leash and wander around it for what feels like forever. My mind’s been racing for days. I don’t know if I’m making the right choice. I don’t want to hurt him, but at the same time I need to protect myself.

I’m tugging on Honey’s leash to stop her from heading to a poodle when I hear footsteps behind me.

Though I’ve always felt relatively safe around here, I hold my breath, immediately equating what to do if I turn around to see a creepy guy staring at me.

When I turn my head slightly, however, who I see from the corner of my eyes stops me altogether.

Harry smiles, taking a few steps towards me. “Happy birthday.”

I look back ahead, trying to figure out if my mind’s playing tricks on me. I keep listening to the sound of crushed leaves, however, so I turn my body to him.

“You-” I gulp. “You’re here.”

He nods with a chuckle. “I’m here.”

I grab his arm, proving to myself it is him. I’m not having Bella Swan’s type of hallucinations in New Moon – this is him, right here.

“Shouldn’t you be at home?”

“I was at home,” He explains. “But then I got in the car and drove to you.”

I smile, my right-hand tightening around his forearm. My left one is still holding Honey’s leash, who clearly hasn’t seen him yet.

“I,” I look for words, my heart threatening to jump. “I don’t deserve this.” I shake my head. “You shouldn’t-”

“Hey.” He stops me, placing both his hands on my shoulders.

My hand drops from his forearm and I try to look to the side but he moves his head in that direction, forcing me to look right at him.

“I’m not proud of how I handled the situation back in London,” He declares. “I shouldn’t have left. Your feelings are valid and I should respect them.”

I shake my head, covering my eyes with my now-free hand. After a second, I take it back and sigh. “I’m being selfish, H. You have every right to be mad at me.”

“Well, I’m not anymore.” He shrugs. “What we have is worth it. I like you, El. I’m falling for you.”

I feel like I’m floating, surrounded my tree branches and yellows, oranges and browns. I want to grab him by the neck and kiss him like I’ve never kissed anyone in my life.

Instead, I stand still – looking at him without blinking.

“You can take a step back – hell, you can take a few steps back.” Harry grins. “I’ll take a step back too. I’ll follow your lead. When you’re ready – when it doesn’t feel like a problem anymore, you can come find me.”

I’m in denial. “That’s not fair to you.”

“Did I ask you if it was fair?” He doesn’t follow my lead on this, though. Instead, he chuckles, slowly dragging my body to his. “I’m telling you I’ll still be here if you want me, whether if you think it’s fair or not.”

“I’m really not worthy all that, Styles.” I finally grin, letting his sweet words sink in. “Thanks for liking me back, though.”

“Back?” He wiggles his eyebrows.

I laugh. “Yes. It might not seem like it, but I like you back. Probably too much.”

“Can I kiss you right now?” He asks, his breath hitting my cheek from his close proximity. “I promise it’ll be the last until you say so. But it’s Christmas – and your birth-”

I interrupt him, getting in the tips of my toes to press my lips on his. I kiss him slowly, his head following mine when I drop down on my heels. His fingers intertwine on my blonde locks, bringing me closer and closer to him. I sigh, holding on to him for as long as I can because, when we part, I don’t know when it will happen again.

I’m not done yet when Honey comes to us barking, clearly noticing him just now. I step back, laughing.

“Hello, girl.” Harry laughs, kissing my temple before kneeling. “How’ve you been?”

“She’s loving the country life.” I kneel down next to them. “We’ve been coming here for walks the last few days.”

“’s a nice spot,” He smiles. “Your mom told me where to find you.”

I widen my eyes. “Oh my God. You’ve met her?”

“Your brother, too.” He nods. “They seemed startled for a second.”

“I didn’t tell them about you.” I confess.

“I figured.” He doesn’t seem to think much about it. “They mentioned it all made sense now, though. You must not be as sly as you think.”

I blush. “Yeah – uh, I haven’t exactly been in a cheery mood.”

“Well, I brought presents to cheer you up.” He gives Honey a last pet and stands up. “Let’s go back?”

“Sure,” I stand next to him, handing him the leash. “You can walk her now. I know you like it.”

“Thanks.” He kisses my cheek. “Last one, I promise.”

I chuckle. “What did you tell your mom to justify leaving on Christmas eve?”

“Uh,” He messes with the hat he’s wearing. “She might have helped make the final decision.”

“You go around and tell everyone everything, don’t you?” I shake my head in disbelief.

“Hey!” He fakes outrage. “Just my mom and my sister.”

I eye him.

“Fine, I obviously told Mitch and Sarah too,” He shrugs. “Also, Jeff – but he’s my manager and he thought it was weird that I wanted to stay in London.”

“What about Grimmy?” I raise an eyebrow, recalling a previous conversation we had. “You have such a big mouth.”

He laughs, resigned.

I ask him how was Los Angeles and he tells me he spent his time in meetings for the album. I nod, just listening to him talk – he’s thinking he’ll have the album ready by February, probably release it by April/May, where he’ll announce a new tour.

By the time we get back to my house, Harry’s told me everything that I missed in the past week. I think he doesn’t believe me when I tell him there’s nothing to tell on my end – but I don’t share that all I did was sulk around.

“By the way,” He turns to me when we’re crossing the road. “I invited your mom and brother for lunch. It seemed rude to take you and leave them behind.”

I gasp. “Why are you so nice?”

He laughs, stopping by his car on the driveway. I take the leash from him, letting Honey sniff my mom’s flowers. I notice she’s peeking in the kitchen window so I wave to her – she widens her eyes and takes two steps back.

I grin, turning back to Harry.

“I have two gifts for you.” He states, with two bags in his hands. “This one I know you’ll like.” He hands me the biggest one and I grab it, handing him the leash in return.

I lean on the car, opening it slowly. I gasp when I see a Burberry handbag inside. It’s the design I liked back in the store. I thought I had been pretty discrete, but he must have been looking back at me more than I thought.

“Harry, this is so expensive,” I’m shaking my head as the words leave my mouth. “I saw the price tag on it at the store.”

He dismisses me. “I can afford it and you liked it. Just accept it, alright?”

I give him a disapproval noise, though I open a big smile to thank me afterwards. “What’s the other one?”

“This,” He twists it around. “Is the sentimental gift. I hope you like it.”

I put the handbag on his car seat for the time being, taking the other present from him. There is a wrapped present inside the bag, so I take it and unwrap it carefully. I frown when I see the vinyl inside.

The cover is a photo he took of me in the park – I have my eyes slightly squeezed and my eyes never looked so bright, while my blonde hair, falling down my shoulders, looks almost golden. I smile, though I don’t get what’s inside. I turn it around, meeting the 10-song track list written on the back. James Bay’s Us, George Ezra’s All My Love and Lany’s If You See Her are just a few of the listed songs.

“These are all my favourites,” I look up to him, my lips curving upwards. “Did you make me a playlist?”

“Look closer.”

I frown, until I finally read ‘By Harry Styles’ on the left corner. My eyes widen. “You recorded all of these?”

He’s looking back at me with a huge grin. “I hope I don’t disappoint.”

“Don’t think you can, even if you really wanted to.” I shake my head forcibly. “Thank you, H.” I take the step between us and wrap my arms around him. “I love it!“ I plant a kiss on his cheek.

He grins and we both head inside, where my brother raises his eyebrows at me and I make a face, hoping to God he’ll play nice.

To no-one’s surprise, they’re nearly best friends by the time lunch is served.

¨

J A N U A R Y

Good luck on your first day tomorrow!

Thank you, H

&&

I went to Memory Lane yesterday, found the watch you chose for me

Ahh, good! Did you like it?

Of course

How’ve you been?

Been here a week and I’m already in a big project

Went home at 10 pm yesterday

Ahh, good luck Frosty!

You can do this!!

&&

What have you done

I can’t stop listening to your version of ‘Habits of my Heart’

Ha, don’t flatter me, El

Honest to God, BEST GIFT EVER

&&

Passed by Memory Lane yesterday

I haven’t gone since the New Year’s... I’m sorry you didn’t have anything picked out this time..

Don’t worry about it

Everything okay, though?

Yeah, I just don’t have any free time :(

&&

By the time I leave the Taylor Howes office, I’m sleep-deprived and hungry. Though I should be used to it by now (after all, it’s been a month of late nights and early mornings), I can’t fight the tears threatening to fall as I leave the lift on the ground floor. I don’t want to cry, however, so I mumble a quiet goodnight to the security guy and walk through the tourniquet, telling myself it will all look better in the morning.

I’ve been telling myself that everyday.

I always thought my problem would be adjusting to the company values, the teams or the clients. Instead, I’ve found a problem with their working schedule. For a girl who’s slept at least eight hours per night, every day of her life, I’ve been getting four hours maximum. I’m basically a walking zombie.

I know I’ve hit a new low when I have to fight not to fall asleep in the bathroom.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t kept in touch with anyone lately. I only have Sundays off and they are usually spent at home, sleeping. I don’t have time to keep a conversation – either by text or by call. I’ll text Amy back, answering whatever she’s asked and saying it’s all good – but I won’t text her back more than twice each time. My aunt has called me a thousand times for advices for a new display she’s working on, but I can’t take the time to talk to her, let alone plan something for Memory Lane. I haven’t seen Max in two and half weeks (and I only saw him because his parents brought him over to my house for a Sunday lunch).

As of lately, I also haven’t been a good dog parent either. Honey gets to walk in the mornings and get a little fresh air in my balcony at about two/three in the morning. I don’t have the energy to play

with her during the week and she only gets cuddle time because she created the habit of sleeping next to me. On Sundays, I just don’t have the energy.

I’ve cried more about this than I care to admit.

On top of it all, it feels like I’ve been carrying an extra weight on my heart. I haven’t seen Harry in over a month, though we tried to hang out two weeks after my birthday (he texted before flying to Los Angeles, where he had a meeting he couldn’t pass on, but he was flying on Saturday night and I had to work until late that day). Our texts decreased since then and I’ve never missed someone this much before.

Though I know we haven’t talked because we’re both busy, it doesn’t help that I feel like this is happening because I wanted both of us to take a step back.

Late at night, right before I fall asleep, I can’t help but think how I’d be so much happier if, at least, I had him to come home to. I daydream about Sundays spent together and late-night Uber rides home talking to him on the phone.

It’s raining when I step out of the building and I huff, putting the Burberry handbag Harry gave me on my birthday over my head. I usually grab an Uber home when I leave at this hour, however there’s a bus passing in two minutes and I could use the money it’ll save me. The bus stop is a couple of meters down the street so I walk faster.

I’m almost there when the bus passes through me, making me sprint down the street.

I don’t know if it’s the shoes, the rain or my tiredness, but I might as well be walking in slow motion because I watch the bus stop when I’m still a few meters away. I take off running, though I see it drive away just as I feel my heel slide down the thin layer of ice on the sidewalk. I cry out when my ass hits the pavement, my hands letting go of the handbag so I can try to prevent my head from doing the same thing. I watch as it falls next to me, spilling a few of its contents on the street.

The rain keeps on pouring as I try to gather myself for a few seconds. Though my hands hurt like hell, it’s not close to the pain I feel on my right ankle – I know I won’t be able to get up, even if I attempt to. I look around, only to find a deserted street.

The tears are running down my face as I try to find my phone (fortunately, I find it still inside my bag). I dial my aunt’s number by memory, swallowing hard as I wait for her to pick up.

She picks by the fifth ring. “Ellie, honey?”

“Aunty,” I cry, breathless. “I need your help.”

I notice she goes into alert mode, her tone changing from sweet to alarmed. “What happened?”

“I- I fell, I don’t think I can get up.” I test my theory again, pressing my right foot into the ground. I hiss. “I was running to catch the bus but- there’s ice on the streets.”

“Oh my,” She gasps. “Honey, I have Max over tonight. I can’t leave him alone.”

I nod as I hear her words, feeling a knot forming in my throat. “Oh. Okay, I-”

“I know who to call!” She cuts me in a hurry. “Where are you exactly? I’ll have someone pick you up in no time.”

I tell her the details and hang up, putting the phone back in the bag. Then, as I wait, I turn to collect my belongings from the pavement. My planner is completely soaked, as is a pack of tissues, but I put them in regardless. I turn slightly to see if there’s anything else, only to find a wrapped box out of reach.

My heart sinks.

Harry’s birthday.

I let out an angry whimper, cursing myself that I needed to see his gift for it to hit me, at three-fifteen in the morning, that I promised on my (rushed) birthday text that I would call him later. It pisses me off even greater because it was all I could think about for hours afterwards. However, I was submerged in work at six in the afternoon and I didn’t have enough time to take a breath, let alone think about anything personal.

I crawl enough so I can grab the box, saving it inside the handbag, just as a car comes to a stop next to me.

I look to the side, locking eyes with Harry.

I don’t have time to process that my aunt called him, as he comes out of the car in a flash and runs to me. “God, what’s happened?” His eyes are wide and his beautiful hair is getting soaked. I open my mouth to speak but only a whimper gets out, my tears and the rain fogging my vision. He kneels next to me, pulling my hair backwards with a hand and touching my arm with the other. “Ellie, tell me where it hurts.”

“Uh, my ankle.” I point to my right leg. “I- I twisted it when I fell.”

“Alright.” He nods forcibly. “I’m going to get you up and move you to the car,” He speaks slowly. “I’m going to try my best not to touch your ankle, but I can’t make any promises.”

I nod, watching as he opens the Range Rover’s back door. I wrap my arms around his neck when he tells me to, bracing myself.

Harry wraps his right arm around my waist and secures my leg with his left hand, moving me swiftly to the car. He, then, picks my handbag from the ground and closes the door, jogging back to the driver’s seat.

I move backwards on the seat so I’m slightly turned, just enough to rest my ankle on the it. I hiss every time it hits the leather.

“What were you doing here at three in the morning?” Harry asks as he starts driving, looking at me through the mirror.

“I just left work,” I explain, wiping down the tears and rain from my face. “I was going to catch the bus.” I admit, cursing myself for that stupid decision before he can.

I notice he’s breathing heavily, shaking his head once he hears my words.

“The bus?” He asks as if he can’t believe it. “Have you ever heard of Uber before?”

“I have.” I roll my eyes, not in the mood for a scowling. “The bus was passing so I thought I’d take it. Taking Uber everyday is expensive.” I don’t let him answer before I continue. “Where are you taking me?”

“The hospital.” He states, turning his head just enough to eye my ankle. “I rather be sure you haven’t broken it.”

I nod, choosing to stay silent for the rest of the drive.

I’m too exhausted for words.

It takes almost an hour until we can leave the hospital. Harry looks tired, though I’m sure I look way worse than he does. He’s given me one of his merch hoodies, so I’m rocking a pair of suit trousers and a blue hoodie with Harry on it. My hair has yet to dry completely and I’m so cold, I’m sure even a hot bath will fail to warm me up.

To top it all, I haven’t eaten anything so far and my stomach is growling like crazy.

“You’re coming to my house.” Harry states once he helps me into the passenger seat of his car. “I won’t have you walk around this weekend.”

“Alright.” I agree easily, since I’ve noticed he’s been on the edge from the moment he parked his car next to me on the street. He hasn’t stopped moving for a minute, even when we couldn’t do anything more than wait, taking deep breathes and cursing lowly to himself. “We have to get Honey, though. She needs to be walked soon.” I add when he comes into the driver seat.

“Of course.” Harry nods, starting up the car.

He doesn’t say anything after that, so I stay silent as well. I feel like crying again, so I’m actually thankful he doesn’t want to talk about any of it, since the tears would start rolling down again.

My mom wants me to quit. Though the hours are long and I haven’t any time for myself, I feel like it’s a necessary evil so I can succeed in the future. I’m learning like I never did before and I’m creating spaces I’ve never even dreamed of – it’s not all bad. Granted, I’m always exhausted and I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle this for a long period of time, but I need to hold on for, at least, a couple more months.

By the end of next year, I’ll have Taylor Howes on my CV for enough time to search for another firm. I have to make do until then.

Harry asks for my key when we arrive to my house, leaving the car quietly after that. Though I’m glad he hasn’t touched the subject, it almost feels like he’s angry at me. I feel two tears running down my cheek while I’m alone in the car, but I’m quick to wipe them out. When he comes out of the building, Honey walking ahead of him while he brings her bed, a toy and food in his hands, my face is completely dry again.

I accept Honey when he puts her in my lap (clearly prioritizing my current state over safety), waiting for him to put down her things on the trunk. When he comes back to his seat, I turn a little to him.

“Do you have snacks in the house?” I ask quietly, getting a nod in response. “I haven’t eaten since seven.”

I watch as he tightens his hold on the steering wheel, giving me a simple nod as an answer.

Feeling like it’s best to just stay put, I watch the lights on the streets until we get to his house. I let Honey run free to the front door while Harry helps me out of the car and into the house.

He drops me on his couch and goes to the kitchen.

“Here,” He hands me a tray after a few minutes, a mug with hot chocolate and a piece of toast on it. “I’ll run a bath for you.” He states once I pick it up, disappearing up the stairs into the first floor.

I wait for a few minutes, texting my aunt to ease her mind while I eat. Though it’s just a sprain, the doctor decided to immobilize it and ordered me to not put any weight on it for, at least, three to four days.

I’ve just sent the text when Harry materializes next to me. “C’mon, let’s go.” He picks me up again and climbs up the stairs, as if my weight is nothing.

He lets me down next to a giant bath, now full with hot water and bubbles. I see him turn to leave and, suddenly, I feel like I can’t take his silence anymore, even if it means sobbing into his chest. I’m ready to share, as long as he talks.

“H.” I call out, watching as he comes to a stop before he reaches the door. Despite the cold, I blush when I say the next words. “Stay with me.”

His eyebrow raises. “In the bath?”

“Uh,” I gulp. “Yeah, it’s big enough.”

“Ellie...”

“You’ve been in the cold too.” I argue.

Finally, he nods, coming back towards me. He helps me take my trousers off, careful when it comes to my ankle. I take off the hoodie and I deliberate if I should take my bra off. I decide against it, eyeing Harry instead, as he takes off his skinny jeans and hoodie, meeting my gaze when he’s just in a pair of boxers.

I take a breath, suddenly feeling the need to run my fingers through his tattoos. I’ve never seen them before.

Harry clears his throat. “Uh, I’ll help you in.” He says, giving me a shock of electricity when his skin meets mine.

He’s careful when laying me in the bath, since my ankle should stay clear off water. He comes into the water next, lying behind me.

A moan comes out of my lips when I take in the hot water and I rest my back on his chest as he wraps his arms around my middle.

After a few minutes, I whisper. “You’re mad.”

“I’m not mad.” He denies, his voice low but finally relaxed. “It’s just - you look exhausted, Ellie.”

I shrug lightly. “That’d be the word, yes. I haven’t slept more than four hours since the New Year’s.”

“I noticed you were working a lot, you told me so a few weeks ago, but I didn’t know it was this much.”

“Yeah,” I say, lacking for anything else. “But it’s not all bad. I’m enjoying the work.” I try to look back at him the best I can. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine.”

Harry rolls his eyes. “Of course I worry about you.”

I give him a small smile. “I think it’ll get better soon, not all projects are like this. It’s just a big client and there’s not enough people in our team – we’re almost finishing it, though.”

“Well, you won’t be finishing anything this next week.” He tells me as a matter of fact. “You’re taking a leave so you can heal your ankle.”

I shake my head. “No, I’m not.”

“Ellie.”

“I can’t miss work so soon.” I try to reason with him. “But we’ll see how I feel Monday. I might take the day off.”

I don’t feel like he’s too convinced, but he lets the subject die.

We stay quiet for another few minutes, until I break silence again.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you today.” I whisper, my head resting in his shoulder so I can gaze at him. “I meant to.”

He shakes his head, his lips curving upwards. “Don’t worry, I get it.”

“I do worry.” I admit. “You deserve the best, Harry. I haven’t been that, right from the start.”

Harry brings his hands to my shoulders so I take my head off his and turn just enough so he can look at me. “Hey, you’re the best to me. That’s all that matters.”

I blush. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” He chuckles, taking me back in his arms. “Let’s not let work take all our time again, yeah?”

I nod, smiling though I’m not facing him anymore.

We don’t stay in the bath much longer, as the water starts to run cold. Harry doesn’t ask if I prefer to sleep in the guest bedroom; instead, he helps me dress in one of his sweatpants and hoodies (though I look like I’ve bought clothes two sizes too big, I’m surprisingly comfy) and then drops me into his bed.

Just before he drops himself into the other side of the bed, and even though I’m two minutes away from sleep, I ask him to get my bag downstairs.

I take his gift from it, handing him the carefully wrapped box.

“Happy birthday, H.”

I watch hazily as he smiles and rips the paper until he’s met with a blue velvet box. “It’s vintage,” I mention as he opens it up to find a silver ring. “It was my great grandfather’s.”

Harry’s eyes widen, looking from the ring to me. “Are you sure you want to give it to me?”

I chuckle, my eyes only half opened. “Of course, I wouldn’t otherwise.”

He nods silently, taking the ring out and trying it on. It’s a simple enough ring, but I knew it was Harry’s style right from the moment I saw it on my grandparent’s house on Christmas. My grandfather doesn’t wear jewelery, so he gave it to me without blinking. I adjusted it to Harry’s size the week after, though I knew I’d only give it to him on his birthday.

“Thank you, El.”

I could blame it on sleep, but it’s a deliberate move when I reach for him and my lips rest on his for a few seconds.

I fall asleep a moment after.

&&

Harry didn’t let me go back to work on Monday, since my ankle was still swollen as hell.

On Saturday morning, he went to my house while I was still asleep and gathered enough of my belongings for a week. Initially, I thought it was adorable that he picked so many pieces of clothing for me to choose from. By Sunday evening, I figured he didn’t – in fact, he chose exactly ten outfits, enough to last me until next week. I opened my mouth to fight him but, when nothing came out, I figured I didn’t really want to.

I was exactly where I wanted to be.

Harry drove me to work and picked me up at the early hours of dawn. I had a cooked meal waiting for me at his place every night and, despite the time, we managed to keep ourselves awake for an extra hour to catch up on our days. Lying in bed, on our respective side, he’d tell me about how Mitch came up with the most genius guitar drift he had ever listened to and I’d tell him the about the sofa I picked for a living room.

Somehow, we’d wake up tangled in each other (alas, it was the only time we let ourselves fully enjoy each other).

It only comes to me on the following Tuesday, while driving to work (Harry made me take my car from now on, going as far as buying me a parking space near the office), that he’s driven me to work for four days and I didn’t give it a second thought. It suddenly feels a lifetime away since I’ve worried about it.

I’m in the middle of purchasing a dinner table when my phone buzzes with a text. I take it from the table and open it.

Thought you needed to see my face this morning,

You know, after a week of seeing me every day, you must miss me

Ha ha, you wish

I don’t wish, I know

Have a great day, El x

I put my phone down, only to notice Martha, a work friend, staring at me with a knowing smile.

“I’m sorry, my eyes just landed on your screen,” She blushes, though I know her well enough to know she wouldn’t do it on purpose. “You know Harry Styles?”

This time, I’m the one blushing. “Uh, yeah. We’re friends.”

“That’s so cool.” She gushes, forgetting her own tasks for a moment. “How’s he like in person?”

“Hm,” I think about my next words. “He’s very thoughtful. He’s the kind of person who’s always there when you need him.”

“I’ve always thought he was nice.” She seems happy to confirm it.

I laugh. “He is.”

We’re interrupted by our boss, who asks to see me for a sec. I try to stop my heart from racing, but nerves invade my thoughts.

I follow her to her office, sitting in the leather chair I bet cost more than all the furniture in my living room. She sits down in front of me and smiles, which makes me feel better (and wonder if I look so terrified, she felt the need to calm me). She starts by recalling when I asked her for feedback last week, taking her by surprise and, then, proceeds to tell me she’s ready to do so now.

My eyes widen when she starts saying a bunch of good things, finally grinning when I start feeling like the long hours are paying off.

She tells me I was a ‘good choice’ and ’definitely not a let down’, and I can’t contain my smile when I leave her office, going back to work with a new-found will.

¨

If my boss knew the wave of thoughts she caused, she wouldn’t have called me this morning. I’m not able to focus on my work for the rest of the day, though it’s only when I drive home from work that I try to make sense of it all.

The conversation with my boss means I have proved my worth in this past month, which not only makes me more confident in my work and eager for my next project on Taylor Howes, it also prompts my brain to another topic. I was afraid my relationship with Harry would make people doubt me. However, I find myself equating the probability of my boss’s opinion changing based on a relationship and it seems low – too low. My work is corresponding to what they expected it to and I know I’ll only improve from now on, so there won’t be a reason for her to second think it over Harry Styles.

This train of thought makes me think back on Martha’s comments when she saw Harry’s name on my phone. She didn’t seem to think much on it, besides being thrilled to know someone who knows him (a common reaction). I’ve been friendly with all the colleagues in my project and, part of me, already knows none of them will think twice about it, if they ever come to realize I’m friends with Harry. Even if they do, though, at the end of the day, it’s my boss’ opinion that matters.

Ashley implied I got my job because of him – but, then again, she was always bitter anyway. I just didn’t think about it at the time, because it all seemed too overwhelming. I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I’m parking my car in front of my house when I come to the conclusion that my issue with work has vanished over time and, suddenly, it feels like there’s nothing in between Harry and I anymore.

The past week has been an eye-opener in other fronts, as well. I was frustrated, exhausted and crying myself to sleep every night before I twisted my ankle. I was living and breathing Taylor Howes. Without even trying, just by being there, Harry brightened my days; I went from that to grinning from ear to ear, exchanging enough texts during the day to keep a smile on my face. The few hours of sleep I was getting weren’t enough, but now I don’t mind sleeping even less if it means I get to talk to him.

Sarah was right all along – there’s no use in fighting it.

If there’s anyone who can prove men aren’t all like my father, it’s Harry.

And I finally feel like I’m ready to be with him.

&&

Where you at?

Home, why?

Do you need a ride?

I squeeze the steering wheel, taking a deep breath.

It’s now Friday, four days after I’ve come to the earth-breaking conclusion that I want to be all in with Harry. And though I figured that out pretty quickly on that particular day, like a fog had lifted and, suddenly, I could see it all very clearly, I decided I was going to wait until I made my move.

Especially because we wouldn’t have time to enjoy it if I did it on a Tuesday.

No, I was going to knock on his door on a Friday night and tell him I wasn’t going to leave that house until the next Monday.

With that in mind, I move the car and punch in his gate’s passcode, parking the car in between his. I walk out of the car and move to the door, knocking twice as I gather the courage.

He opens the door two seconds later, his eyebrows rising when he sees me. It’s still ten p.m., which means I got myself an early night at the office. I smile, accessing his sweatpants and t-shirt situation – he looks like he was just asleep in his couch.

“Hey,” He messes his hair, clearing his throat. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

I nod. “I know.”

“Come in.” Though he looks confused, he closes the door behind me and takes my coat from me.

I smile, taking the opportunity to take my heels off. I’m left in a black high neck shirt (which is going to be too hot for the room temperature he has going) and a pair of suit trousers.

“So,” I bite my lower lip, starting the speech I memorized once we get to the living room. He eyes me strangely, sitting on the coach while staring at me, still standing in front of him. “I’ve had a revelation this week.”

I can tell he’s not sure how to react, so he simply raises his eyebrow.

I feel my palms turning sweaty.

“Okay, uh, alright,” I fidget with my sweatshirt, suddenly realizing this isn’t like a work presentation. I can’t come up here and deliver a speech.

There are feelings involved!

“So, uh, do you remember,” I make a short pause, enough to get my heart pounding five times faster. “back on my birthday, when you said you’d wait for me?”

It seems like he wants to smile, but he just nods with a blank expression in.

I gulp. “Uh, I’m ready.”

I don’t know what I was expecting. However, as soon as my words get to him, I can barely register Harry standing up when, suddenly, I’m up in his arms. I recognize his laughter, and then my own. He makes a path of open-mouthed kisses from my neck to my mouth, taking my lips on his with a hungry force.

I pull away just enough to keep going. “I got too scared, but I’m not anymore.” I curve my lips upwards, pressing my lips on his. “You make me happy, I shouldn’t run from that.”

Harry picks me up without a word and, suddenly, we’re moving.

Where’s he taking me?

“Where are you taking me?” I voice my thoughts, holding on to him. He ignores me, heading for the stairs. “Harry!” I let out a laugh, I pulling back enough to look at him. His eyes are shinning. “H!”

 “You can finish your little speech later, I want to hear how you’re so in love with me you can’t keep your distance,” He grins, reaching the top of the stairs. “But right now, unless you have something against it, I’m taking you up to my bedroom.”

I laugh, meeting his lips with mine.

I think that’s just the answer he wanted.

T H E  E N D

¨

… O R  I S  I T ?

“Try the other one,” I yell from a few feet away, watching as Harry dumps the Christmas tree he was just holding and holds another one to his left. “I think this one’s better. What d’you think, Gorgeous?”

I notice his smile as soon as the nickname leaves my lips and I mirror it. He can try, but he’ll always fail not to show emotion when I call him pet names, and it seems that Gorgeous has definitely stick with me.

He does his best to look down at the tree, though it’s so big he won’t get the whole picture standing so close. He frowns. “Did I not point this one out on the way here?”

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t,” I sigh, rolling my eyes. “Though it doesn’t matter, that’s definitely the one for your living room.”

He nods and tells the man assisting us (who was just minding his own business, since we’ve been here for a while and I’m too undecisive) that we’ll take this one.

I watch as he makes his way to me, holding his hand when he offers it. “Do we have all, then?”

“We needed two for your house and one for mine,” I think out loud. “So, yeah. We have everything.”

Though we don’t live together yet (we spend our time between his house and mine), Harry and I are hosting Christmas dinner for both our families. His house was obviously the chosen spot, as everyone wouldn’t fit on mine, so we’re bringing the Christmas spirit into that place for the first time since he moved there.

“Careful,” I warn him, as he kneels down to pet Honey. Her paws are muddy and she loves to call his attention by putting her not-so-little-anymore paws on his legs, dirtying his clothes every time. I don’t see him moving. “H, she’ll put her paws all over you!”

“It’s fine, El.” He shakes his head, petting the dog’s head. “Right, Honey? You’ll behave today for daddy, won’t you?”

I roll my eyes, knowing exactly how this’ll end.

To prove me right, her paw meets his expensive black jeans and he pulls away, barely keeping himself on his feet. I shake my head, not able to hold back my laughter.

“Told you.”

“Don’t sweat it,” He chuckles, bringing me closer to him by my middle. “She just takes after you, she loves me so much.”

I can’t fight a smile, accepting when his lips head for mine. I sigh, bringing my fingers to his hair, now a bit longer.

“I do love you.” I whisper when we part, not missing the chance to say it.

“Me too, babe,” He grins. “Me too.”

[head-hopping]

Years, part IX

What don’t talk to me okay. Previous chapters here. LOL

Madi don’t hate me anymore~

~~

Seven months later

The spring Carlotta arrived in Paris invariably altered to summer, then slipped quietly into fall. Her residency remained at the Mackintosh homestead, tucked securely within the guest room that at some point had gained a hint of her touch, the altered bedspread certainly not enough to claim a space, but she had become comfortable enough to make at least a little mark on her world.

It had taken time to reach that point, but even she took it as a step into the right direction.

That morning, after her arrival, had been a trying one. Carlotta could do nothing but thank whatever fortune she had left that Aisling actually approached her first, the young woman looking utterly contrite and ashamed for her lack of fortitude. That, naturally, stirred something within Carlotta, her own need to offer some measure of comfort, little though it had been. Though she held affection for her two nephews, Carlotta had actually tended Aisling after her birth, during the darkest hour of Colin and Erika’s then broken relationship. For Carlotta, those months with Aisling had been the only child-rearing she ever properly performed…

But that had not been the time for such thoughts.

“Aisling…” Carlotta had said, the weight on her unfeeling heart suddenly so heavy. She had taken the young woman’s hands in her own, squeezing tightly. “The only apology necessary is my own. I have…I have been tried, and there are many matters that came together to such a result.”

Aisling’s green eyes had expressed such trouble, looking between Carlotta’s own. “What matters could have brought about such a result?”

Carlotta had only smiled, as much as she could. “Matters that are of no consequence to a vibrant young lady as yourself. Do not carry them, Aisling. Please.”

“Alright…if you say so, Aunt Lotta.”

Though even then Carlotta could tell the cryptic nature of that conversation did not please Aisling at all, but nothing more of it need be said. Carlotta absolutely refused to pass that burden to the next generation, and if she could not have been rid of it with her own child, then she could certainly ensure Colin’s children never so much as heard a word of it.

Over the following weeks, Carlotta had been coaxed into the kitchen, as Erika was quite busy with nursing her youngest back to health. Carlotta found that she had not lost her touch for enjoyable meals, and the work with her hands became a means of forcing her mind off the past. Colin certainly appreciated it, as did Aisling and Elias, when the young man was around.

When Leonce finally awoke, Carlotta was finally able to meet him in more than just a few lines in an old letter. In fact, she took it upon herself to aid Erika now that the bearish mother could relax knowing her son would live through his ordeal. Through the nights, Carlotta would sit next to Leonce’s bed, quietly reading or stitching, fetching anything the boy needed if he woke in the night.

She could not help but notice, though, that Leonce was a bit younger than Lonzo, by more than a three years or so, and yet he’d gone off to join the navy, where he had earned wounds, and thus his illness that had not been fully taken care of by some mistake or another. He was a lively young man, though, even in his tired state. That smile no doubt looked quite fetching to all manner of young ladies, especially when in his uniform, even though he had been nothing but a cabin boy—or rather, in charge of the cabin boys, he made certain his aunt knew.

Perhaps it was the general atmosphere of the household that settled Carlotta in, or the sense of being useful that she in part craved, but a spark of her own life and livelihood budded tentatively within the Mackintosh household.

And during the summer, upon hearing of Carlotta’s residency in Paris, Fiona paid a surprise visit—though Carlotta suspected that Colin and Erika knew ahead of time. But to see her cousin flourishing with Thomas, her gentle nature actually nurtured and protected by a loving husband, this Carlotta nearly did not stand. And not in a negative, jealous, petty way—or so she told herself, but the emotion had been so fleeting that she could tell herself freely that it never happened at all—but seeing Fiona having bloomed into a beautiful wife and mother, it offered Carlotta yet another comfort to know that her family has escaped the hell that seemed to curse the DiRusso line.

Speaking of motherhood, though! Behind Thomas and Fiona trailed a sea of delicately redheaded children, six in all, all having come specifically for the purpose of meeting their aunt none have ever met.

It was…a bit overwhelming, to be perfectly honest, and the first night after their arrival, Carlotta wept quietly in her room, if only because it hurt to have the depth of her own heart touched back alive again. Like a jolt, a strike of lightning, Carlotta found it difficult to breathe, but her thanks for Fiona’s wonderful life could only be expressed with tears that no one saw.

Except, somehow, Erika saw. Somehow Erika saw a lot. Perhaps because such despair was familiar to the other woman. Except for a word, a gesture, in fresh cups of tea sitting on Carlotta’s nightstand before bed, the women tiptoed around one another, yet unable to break the strain of being strangers.

Carlotta had no intentions of going back to Italy, however, so they ought to have time for warming.

One sign of such? It arrived on Carlotta’s birthday, a day that has been of no real consequence to her for some years. A day that did not bother to remind of itself, save for the occasions when Carlotta happened to notice the date. But tonight upon her birthday, she found herself swept into an evening at the opera at the Palais Garnier. A place of beauty and talent, one once guided by her own hand.

As Carlotta ascended the steps, she gazed up at the face of the grand building, the gaslight lamps vividly illuminating the golden color in the evening darkness. Memory overtook her as soon as she stepped inside, of a lifetime ago while discussing business with patrons, dodging those who thought it their duty to run the little women, or at the very least run her off and give the managerial position back to a man. Late evenings of paperwork, or contending with the self-professed phantoms who at first cajoled to have their own way within these walls. One of whom married her cousin, and the other… Well, not even Erika was certain what might have happened to him. As her life pulled further and further from the opera house, so it did from him as well. However, Erika was almost certain that he discovered his own happiness, and with a dancer of all things.

In any case, as Carlotta approached the grand staircase, lit brightly for the evening event, she came to a stop in the middle of the noisy foyer, the slip of a smile somehow finding its way onto her expression. So much in her younger years revolved around this building…so much…

Her gaze dropped, turning to Erika, who stood close beside her, watching intently for any sign of another outburst of emotion. But Carlotta merely smiled a bit wider, reaching out to gently, and briefly, touch Erika’s arm.

“I am alright,” she assured the masked woman—a mask that blended into Erika’s skin color, helping her to blend without startle, as it was simply easier to venture out in this manner.

Erika smirked, a flicker of amused relief darting through her eyes. “Wonderful. I had hoped this would do you good, not harm.”

“Knowing that Elias will be playing this evening was more than enough incentive to chance the Garnier again.” Carlotta took a deep breath, seeming more at ease than she has in a long time. Edged, yes, and guarded, but willing to step out from behind those barricades more and more. Especially for tonight. “I must admit…I held some dread for stepping foot in here once more, but I am glad I did.”

Behind the pair of them, Colin slipped up, gently, and without thinking, touching both Erika and Carlotta at their backs, though his hand lingered only on Erika’s. His brows were raised as he leaned down a bit between them. “And how are we fairing this far?”

“Delightful,” Erika intoned with cheekiness. “But there is no need for both of us to hover like hens, Colin. You will suffocate Lotta and I.”

He scoffed. “Nonsense. I only wanted the privilege of escorting the two most lovely women here to our box. Ah—three,” he amended quickly as Aisling made some manner of strangled noise, appearing at his side and bumping into him.

“Da! Don’t be rude. Go on and say three. Aunt Lotta ought to be included in this lovely bunch.” And she grinned, winking at her aunt in a devilish manner that bespoke mightily of her mother.

“Oi, stop getting me into trouble!” Colin laughed, but sighed loudly. “Ach, it’s too late for that anyway. Shall we? Before I get let out into the cold?”

Twenty years ago doubtlessly Carlotta would have had a snappish remark without a thought, but now all she could muster was a closed smile, able to share in the amusement at least. Besides which, Erika’s comment sufficed, but Carlotta’s attention diverted suddenly as a slight chill touched her. She glanced back towards the front doors, suspecting that their loitering near the doors must have caught her in line with a gust of fall breeze floating inside. And that may have been part of the case, save for the thick shawl draped over her shoulders that had been more than adequate outside, let alone inside the warmed building.

Before she turned back to her family, however, she caught sight of someone peering in her direction as he stood closer to the opening and closing doors. Carlotta would have passed the man by, but the second jolt, this one accompanied by a surge of recognition, stole her breath.

Salvatore Barozzi, hand balanced perfectly on his cane, hat in hand, stared with naked shock in his expression as other patrons were forced to move around him in order to get inside. The looks they shot he obviously did not see, or even feel.

Not that Carlotta did much better. Colin and the rest might have left her behind, as she did not hear or see whether they called her.

What sort of alignment must have occurred to have them standing here tonight of all nights, in Paris, at the Garnier?

[fuckyeahevanrwood]

"No Bra, No Panties": How Thirteen Defined A Generation Of Women

Catherine Hardwicke was paid $3 on Thirteen — $2 for the screenplay, which she co-wrote with actress Nikki Reed (then 13), and $1 for directing. Fifteen years later, that film stands out as a still-potent cultural milestone for women who grew up in the early aughts — a searing snapshot of the twisted, painful turmoil of being a teenage girl, without the redeeming after school special epilogue. Thirteen spoke to us, not at us. 

“I was a first time director,” Hardwicke said during a Refinery29 roundtable for the landmark movie's anniversary— the first time Hardwicke, Reed, and Evan Rachel Wood have been together since its release. “All the characters are women, and it was going to be rated R and about a teenager. That does not check the boxes for any studio.”

So, in her pursuit to get the film made, Hardwicke worked for nothing and poured whatever money she could into production. The filmmaker, who would go on to direct the first installment in the massive Twilight franchise, used her own furniture as props. Her car makes an appearance, as do some of her clothes. She and the cast, including leads Wood and Reed, slept in the rented house in Los Angeles where they filmed, often in the same bed. (Since then, the film has turned a profit — Hardwicke says she received a check for $18,000 two months ago.)

All of this — the paltry $1.5 million budget, the whirlwind one month summer shooting schedule — contributes to the raw, dizzying atmosphere of Thirteen, a dark and gritty take on the experience of being a teenage girl at a time when the only cinematic alternatives were Freaky Friday and The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Harmony Korine’s Kids — perhaps the closest example in terms of impact and subject matter — had come out nearly a decade before.

I vaguely remember the circumstances under which I saw Thirteen. It was likely a hot, humid early September day in Montreal — the kind that would make my best friend and I seek refuge in one of the city’s downtown movie theaters. I was 13; my best friend was days away from her own 13th birthday.

What I vividly recall are the feelings the film elicited. I remember being terrified, a fear I couldn’t exactly name, but which gnawed at my innards as I watched Tracy Freeland (Wood) morph from a prepubescent innocent into a sexualized harridan who hides her tongue and belly button piercings from her mother. Would I be like that? Should I be? I remember feeling seen, recognizing how intimate a relationship between two teenage girls can be. I remember squirming at the scenes showing interactions with boys, things I was starting to think about but couldn’t imagine myself actually going through. 

Of course, none of these anxieties were voiced as the lights came up, and my best friend and I wandered back out into the haze of the afternoon. But Thirteen had made its mark, as it has on countless women of my generation.

I wouldn’t learn until years later that the film was helmed by women. The script emerged out of a collaboration between Hardwicke and Reed, who had a personal connection: Hardwicke had been in a long-term relationship with Reed’s father and thought of her as a surrogate daughter. They kept in touch after the breakup, and Hardwicke started noticing that something wasn’t right with Reed. Much like Tracy, she was acting out, rising rapidly through the ranks of popularity at her West L.A. school. And then her friends got busted for selling crystal meth.

In her concern for Reed, Hardwicke invited the teen to her Venice Beach home. It was there that over a six-day period in January 2002, the pair wrote the script that would become Thirteen. In the aftermath, they made a pact: If Hardwicke could get the film into production, she would direct it, and Reed would star in it.

Still, the road ahead was rocky. An R-rated movie co-written by a teenager with female leads wasn’t exactly an easy sell. Securing funds wasn’t easy for Hardwicke, who was then working as a production designer in Hollywood, and had no prior directing experience; Reed, meanwhile, had never acted onscreen, and the screenplay was her first. It wasn’t until Holly Hunter, who would go on to be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role as Tracy’s mother, signed on that the project finally got off the ground. After an acclaimed premiere at Sundance, where Hardwicke won the top directing award, Fox Searchlight Pictures acquired the film for distribution. Thirteen was released in five U.S. theaters on August 20, 2003, and grossed $116,260 opening weekend. But the salacious subject matter resulted in word-of-mouth and heightened press coverage, especially for the teen leads. By its third week of release, Thirteen’s gross had increased by 622%, as did the film’s reach, as it went on to screen in 73 theaters, and then up to 243, for a total domestic gross of $4.6 million. 

But the value of seeing oneself represented on screen is something that’s harder to quantify.

“It takes women to tell female stories,” Reed says during the interview. This is something we’ve heard many times as Hollywood grapples with the way the industry historically treated women, as well as the systemic inequality that has resulted in a still-egregious gender gap.

Thirteen was an extreme portrayal of the alienation of an especially troubled teenage girl. But that hunger for an outlet for those complicated emotions is universal. “I had a need in me, like Tracy, to just explode,” Wood said. “And acting was something I did so that I could do that. I felt like I couldn't do it anywhere else.

”If it’s been a while, here’s a quick recap: Tracy Freeland (Wood) is a good girl. She gets straight As, loves golden retrievers, and wears her fair blonde hair in cute dual buns. But that doesn’t mean everything’s rosy. Her poetry is an intense, poignant exploration of early teenagehood. Her single mother Melanie is a recovering alcoholic who runs a beauty salon out of her kitchen, and though she’s an attentive parent, she’s overwhelmed. And Tracy’s father (D.W. Moffett), constantly behind on child support, is too focused on his new family and new job to care very much. Tracy copes by locking herself in the bathroom and resorting to self-harm, an act that was shocking to many at the time. But not to Wood.

“I hadn't really done drugs,” she said. “I was a lot of talk, sex-wise, but wasn't really doing much. But the emotions, and that feeling of frustration and being lost and angry, and the dynamics with the family and the cutting — those were things where I was like, ‘Oh. I know what this is. Like, I understand this really well.”

“That's one of the reasons why I wanted to do it too,” the actress, who recently testified before Congress about a sexual assault that led her self-harm and two suicide attempts, explained. “Because I was like, I didn't know cutting was a thing until I read the script. And that's when I was like, ‘Other people do this?’

”So, when classmate Evie Zamora (Nikki Reed) comes along with her jeweled cross necklace, long glossy hair, and jeans so low you can see her thong peeking out, Tracy is already primed for some acting out. It would be easy to paint what comes next as black and white — and in fact, many of the film’s critics did so at the time. Evie and Tracy strike up a friendship, which leads Tracy down a bleak path of drugs, questionably consensual sexual encounters, illicit piercings, and shoplifting. But the truth is more complicated. In her own way, Evie is as vulnerable as Tracy. She lives with a woman named Brooke, sometimes referred to as her guardian, other times her cousin, whose main occupation seems to be recovering from Botox injections and getting drunk. She doesn’t care what Evie does with her time, as long as no ones calls the cops. With Evie by her side, Tracy upgrades to It Girl status at school. But that comes at the expense of her grades, her relationship with her mother, and even her own mental health.

The acting is fantastic. Seasoned child actress Wood, who would be nominated for a Golden Globe and a Screen Actors Guild Award, handles Tracy’s descent into hell with fiery zeal, concealed under angelic looks. When, towards the end, she’s wandering Hollywood Boulevard in a crop top and smeared black lipstick, drunk, she looks like a nightmare version of herself, her inner turmoil having taken over. It’s a duality that would come into play later in her career, as Dolores, the mild host-turned-avenger on HBO’s Westworld. Reed exudes an uncomfortable degree of sexuality for such a young woman, but there’s also a sadness to her, a need to be loved. And as Melanie, a mother who loves her daughter fiercely, but is blind to the scope of what’s going on behind her closed bedroom door, Hunter quivers with anger, anxiety and concern.

Watching the film for the first time as an adult, I was amazed at how avant-garde it feels.

The central relationships aren’t romantic in nature. Instead, the film focuses on the dynamics between female friends and mothers and daughters. That fraught connection between Tracy and Melanie is one that we’re only just starting to see again, in films like Lady Bird, and, veering sharply into supernatural horror, Hereditary.

Evie and Tracy’s friendship is complex and intense, vacillating between almost sensual devotion and cruel rivalry, especially where Melanie’s affections are concerned. That need to be utterly consumed by one’s best friend while grappling with latent jealousy is so specific to young women of that age, and a dynamic that’s rarely portrayed, even today.

It’s so true to life that while filming, Wood and Reed developed a rapport that mirrored the one they were portraying on screen. “There were moments that I was completely in love with you,” Wood, who came out as bisexual in 2011, told Reed.“

We had this kind of innocence about our relationship that was so personal to us,” Reed responded. “It was ours, and it was so real [...] And then, because a lot of that was in the movie, when it became something that the press could talk about, suddenly it was like our actual relationship, in a sense, was put out there for people to talk about.”

As often happens in Hollywood, especially where young girls are concerned, the stars were held up for comparison by the press. Who was cooler? Who was hotter? Who would have the best career? Things actually got so acute that, like Tracy and Evie, the two drifted apart, not speaking again until nearly a decade later.

“We had to talk about it when we were 25,” Reed said. “I actually went to [Hardwicke’s] house, and I said, ‘You know, I haven't talked to Evan in so long, and I really miss her.’ You gave me her number, and I said, ‘Do you think she would even want me to call her?’ You were like, "Yeah. You guys are in such a similar space.’ We had both gotten married. I called [Wood], and it was so cool. [She was] like, ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’"

Still, Thirteen is best remembered for its shocking scenes — and there are many, including the opening shot, which shows Evie and Tracy sitting on a bed, huffing paint and punching each other in the face, laughing. A provocative confrontation later in the film shows Tracy bragging to her mother that's she's not wearing a bra or panties. 

In one memorable moment, Evie and Nikki seduce an older neighbor, played by then-27-year-old Kip Pardue, who reportedly wasn’t aware that the actresses were 14 until he showed up to shoot. “‘He was in shock,” Hardwicke said.” I was trying to talk him down off the ledge, ‘Look, we're going to be safe. I'm going to be there, the teacher's going to be there. It's all gonna be cool.’"

Ground rules were established: A studio teacher was present at all times, sitting behind the couch the three were kissing on. “Couldn't touch the nipples,” Wood recalled. “Couldn’t touch the top of Kip’s pants.”

All the same, the final film was extremely controversial, so much so that, Hardwicke said, juvenile court judges and directors of rehab centers, accompanied her at Q&As after early screenings so parents could voice their concerns.

“Three mothers stand up: ‘My daughter would never do that,’ she recalled. “And then the judge would say, ‘Excuse me, this movie is mild. Not one person got pregnant. No one got in a car crash, no one [died by] suicide. Nobody died. I see much more elevated cases in this every single day.’”

“I found myself in a weird position where I was being asked to be sort of the spokesperson for teen angst,” Reed said. (A clip from her 2003 appearance on Ellen shows her on the defensive, explaining that she’s a straight-A student: “I just got my report card.)

Both Reed and Wood are parents themselves now. Reed and husband Ian Somerhalder have a one-year-old daughter, Bodhi Soleil. Wood’s son Jack, from her previous marriage to actor Jamie Bell, is five. “I'd show it to my son,” she said of Thirteen. “ I think boys need to be watching more female-centric films anyways, so they have a better understanding about women, and opposite sex.”

Still, they now feel they have a deeper understanding of the visceral reaction adults, particularly parents, had to the film at the time. “I see it all differently,” Reed said. “I’m totally terrified, and I’m also really grateful for it. I feel like I have a really good understanding of some of the things that are going on.“

The movie helped open the door for Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why, which graphically depicts scenes of sexual assault, self-harm, and suicide, and even to a certain extent Eighth Grade, Bo Burnham’s film about the inner life of a 14-year-old girl who turns to the internet to compensate for the feelings of inadequacy she’s facing in the real world.

The lack of social media does date the film, as does its inability to really grapple with race and privilege. As a white middle-class young woman, Tracy is afforded the benefit of the doubt, not to mention a second chance. If she’d been a woman of color, she might never have recovered from her year-long bender. In fact, the only people of color in the film are the guys that Tracy and Evie alternately hook up with, and buy drugs from, a setup that is particularly iffy in hindsight.

Overall, however, Thirteen holds up in a way that never would have seemed possible to Hardwicke or Reed at the time they wrote the script. The impact it has had over the last 15 years far exceeds its original reach. Hardwicke’s $3 payday went a long, long way.

“Literally the other day, a woman came up to me, she's like 28 or 30, working at a cool company, Hardwicke recalled. “She goes: ‘You know what, I saw Thirteen,’ and it scared her straight. She never drank or smoked in her life, or did any drugs.”

“I don’t know if there will ever be anything quite like it,” Reed said. “It was kind of just magic.”

If you or someone you know is considering self-harm, please get help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

[pureimagineering]

The Audio from the Jungle Cruise's Queue

I'm obsessed with it, but even after working there for a year, I wasn't able to catch everything that Albert AWOL says. So here's a complete transcript.

This post will be TL;DR for most. If you're a freak like me, it will be a delightful read. Either way, sorry!

"Here Comes My Ball and Chain," by the Coon-Sanders Nighthawks

This is Skipper Albert AWOL, the Voice of the Jungle, broadcasting on the DBC to all points unknown! If you’re within the sound of my voice, you are listening to AWOL Airwaves on the DBC.

And now, here’s today’s river tip from Skipper Bill of the Congo Connie. Bill says, “If it rains in the jungle, who cares? That’s why they call it a rainforest!” Thanks, Bill.

Any travelers who may need to exchange foreign currency during their voyage needn’t worry. There are banks all along our rivers.

In addition to beautiful Malaysia, Burma, Siam, and Cambodia, Lotus Tours offers two new destinations: Boston and French Lick, Indiana!

...that can’t be right...!

Uh, correction: that’s "Borneo" and "French Indochina." Bookings may be made at any travel office within a thousand miles of this jungle outpost.

Attention, Skippers! If you’re looking for some variety and need to log extra time at the wheel, another group of...uh...“volunteers” is being shanghaied for nighttime excursions down the Congo. These fascinating cruises through total darkness can be both exhilarating and unpredictable!

All Skippers should take note of the following changes along the Jungle Cruise rivers.

First, it is no longer considered sporty to hold small children over the edge of the boat while traveling through the hippo pool. Contrary to popular belief, this does not stop their ears from wiggling! (That’s the hippos of course, not the children.)

Second, due to the fact that a boatload of passengers onboard Zambesi Zelda entered a Cambodian ruin and failed to come out, any and all temple ruins are now off limits to your cruise!

And finally, passengers requesting extended tours should be referred directly to the Booking Office where they will receive immediate medical treatment.

"With Plenty of Money and You," by Dick Powell

All Skippers-in-Training are required to wear a leopard hatband, so travelers at dockside will know not to board your boats.

We know that communicating on the jungle rivers can be difficult at times, so we’re always glad to pass along warm personal greetings from one Skipper to another! Here’s one now from the Skipper of the Senegal Sal to the Skipper of Irrawaddy Irma: "If you can’t drive, stay off the river." Isn’t that nice?

Attention, Skippers: don’t forget to submit your entries for the “Maim the Croc…” Eh, correction, that’s “NAME the Crocodile” contest. The winner will receive a one-week, all-expenses-paid cruise for one on the jungle river of his choice!

"Jeepers, Creepers" by Louis Armstrong

For safety reasons, all passengers are asked not to feed any animals that may approach your vessel before, during, or after the Jungle Cruise, including the ravenous guides working at the Unload Dock. Thank you.

Friday night’s Jungle River Movie--Tarzan and Me--has been canceled due to the fact that those pesky gorillas have once again borrowed our projector. Any Skipper interested in retrieving the projector will receive a free day’s ration of Banana Bits: the dried fruit of choice among all Jungle Cruise Skippers!

Equatorial Expeditions presents: the Route of the Lost Queen! Two- and three-week journeys are available on a "first come, you must go" basis. Interested parties should contact I.L. Befair at the Office of the Interior.

Mating season has begun at the African elephant staging grounds. All boats are cautioned to use extreme care when traveling through this part of the jungle.

Attention, all Skippers! Tomorrow night’s bachelor party for Skipper Carl--originally scheduled for the African elephant staging grounds--will now be held at the Indian elephant pool. Proper swimwear is mandatory.

"Yes, Yes" by Ambrose with Sam Brown and the Carlyle Cousins

Instructions on how to dock a half-sunken boat will be given this Tuesday morning at Loading Dock Number One. Due to reasons that are more than obvious, these maneuvers will not be open to the public.

Skippers, we have yet to receive any entries for our “Name the Crocodile” contest. Besides a one-week, all-expenses-paid cruise for one on the jungle river of your choice, you will also now receive one slightly used pygmy war canoe! Enter today. Please.

Attention, Skippers: please urge your passengers to disembark on the starboard side of the boat. That’s the side closest to the dock...IF you pull in bow-first.

Attention, passengers: please urge your Skippers to pull into the dock bow-first.

Last week, the River Pilot’s License Test was given to thirty Jungle Cruise Skippers. Congratulations to all those who passed! The remaining twenty-nine pilots may take the test again next month.

May I have your attention, please? If anyone has located a large uncut diamond--weighing approximately sixteen carats--will you please return it to the Lost and Found area? (Pfft, right.)

"Song of India" by Paul Whiteman and His Orchestra

Roam the plains of Africa, India, Ceylon, and Persia with experienced expeditioners! See the rare and unusual from the perch of a pachyderm! Join the Elephant Safari Company as they search for lions, tigers, and bears! (Oh, my!)

Due to capacity limitations on the Jungle Cruise boats, parties of thirty-three should consider dividing their group into two groups of sixteen-and-a-half each.

Here’s today’s Jungle Trivia Questions! One, "What is the correct response when confronted by a crazed charging elephant?" and Two, "How many gorillas does it take to destroy a base camp?" Stay tuned!

Attention, all Skippers! Due to an increase in piranha activity along the rivers, you are now required to update the "Missing Persons" board at the end of each cruise.

Attention, all travelers! If your name is added to the "Missing Persons" list at the end of your cruise, please accept in advance our most sincere apologies! Thank you.

"It’s the Girl" by the Boswell Sisters

Jungle Skippers: don’t forget to keep extra oars handy on your ship! That way you won’t find yourself stranded up the river without a paddle!

For safety reasons, individuals are not allowed to take home pets which have been collected while on the Jungle Cruise.

And now today’s survival tip: when confronted by a charging rhino, head for the nearest tree and climb fast! Failure to follow these instructions may result in pointed confrontations.

Congratulations to our dockside crew, who won their first cricket match of the season. We understand it was an overwhelming victory!

(A what? A forfeit?)

And next week--when the opposing team shows up--I am sure they'll do just as well!

"Rhythm King" by the Coon-Sanders Nighthawks

Come drift into an era of kings and golden idols! Discover what you would have never missed if you had never seen it in the first place! It’s another amazing Amazonian river fantasy from the Jungle Navigation Company!

Listen up, Skippers! Your chance to enter the “Name the Crocodile” contest is just about over. Come on, fellas! Not only will you win a one-week, all-expenses-paid cruise for one on the jungle river of your choice, and one slightly used pygmy war canoe, but you’ll also now get--absolutely free--a full volume set of “Teach Yourself Swahili” just for entering!

Remember, “Wasio na hofu” is Swahili for “They who have no fear.” And “Matoi mbuzi katikka nyumba um teea katikka kebanda chakke” means “Take the goat out of the house and put it in its shed.”

All boat captains, please be advised that there have been several reports of aggressive butterflies along the inner banks of the Amazon River. Three guests have reported minor confrontations. To minimize the chance of future injuries, Butterfly Repellent is strongly recommended!

Attention, all passengers! Attention, all passengers! A rather large leopard has recently been seen in the vicinity! The animal can be identified by its razor-sharp teeth, long menacing claws, and a loud ferocious growl. If spotted, please contact the local authorities immediately.

The leopard snarls in the background.

Oh, dear. Uhh, never mind. We seem to have found him!

The leopard roars.

...nice pussycat...!

"Love is Good for Anything That Ails You" by Ida Sue McCune

And now, here are the answers to our Jungle Trivia Questions! The correct response to a crazed charging elephant is, “Auuugh! Auuuuugh!” and it takes an average of eight minutes for a family of gorillas to destroy a typical base camp.

Will the owner of a blue jeep, license number...uh, well, it doesn’t have a license plate. At least, not anymore! Will the owner please contact the office of the Minister of Transportation immediately? Your vehicle has...turned up at a nearby base camp.

This is Skipper Albert AWOL, the Voice of the Jungle, broadcasting on the DBC to all points unknown! If you’re within the sound of my voice, you are listening to AWOL Airwaves on the DBC.

"Harlem River Quiver" by Duke Ellington

The DBC is proud--and financially pleased--to welcome a new sponsor to the AWOL Airwaves! It’s Aero Casablanca! As an introductory offer, all Jungle Cruise personnel will receive discounted fares on Aero Casablanca’s Belgian Congo River tour. All flights must be booked at least two minutes in advance of takeoff and stays in the Congo region must be for a minimum of twenty-five years. Fly the skies of Aero Casablanca: the airline no one comes back on!

All travelers should be aware that herds of elephants have been seen bathing in several regions of the Mekong River. Since these animals have been known to spray water at passing boats, you are advised to wear the appropriate attire. Or bring an umbrella.

Recent reports of giant pythons have been greatly exaggerated! These reptiles cannot digest children weighing over sixty pounds in a single bite! The largest child they can consume at any one time would have to weigh less than forty-five pounds.

Attention! Will the Skipper of the Nile Nellie please move your vessel? You’re docked in a No-Floating Zone.

The previously announced "Name the Crocodile" contest has been suspended due to an acute shortage of entries. If anyone has any ideas about naming our pet croc, please drop them off at the Office Depot! Not to worry; you won’t have to accept any of the prizes.

Now available: one full volume set of “Teach Yourself Swahili!” Yours, just for the asking, at the Office Depot!

"What a Girl, What a Night" by the Coon-Sanders Nighthawks

Due to local monsoons, the demonstration on how to waterproof your vessel has been rained out.

Here’s a message from Sir Henry Morton Stanley to...I...I can’t quite make out this name. It’s “Dr. Livingston,” I presume? Please meet Sir Stanley at the falls.

This week’s Special Guest Skipper is Admiral Bartholomew Wrongway! Admiral Wrongway will be piloting several excursions into the deepest, most dangerous regions of the Congo! Since the Admiral is new to the area--and as such, quite unfamiliar with our waterways--it is recommended that you steer clear of his vessel.

In keeping with jungle tradition, all guests now waiting in line to board Jungle Cruise boats are urged to raise their hands high above their heads and imitate the sounds of their favorite jungle animals!

Will Colonel Williamso--

AWOL coughs.

Excuse me. Uh-hem. I seem to have something in my throat!

AWOL clears his throat until it culminates in a Tarzan yell.

Much better! Will Colonel Williamson please report to the Minister General’s office? Thank you.

"Diga Diga Doo" by Duke Ellington

Rivers of the Pharaohs: excursions to the land that time forgot...and so will you. Sign up today for the adventure of someone else’s lifetime.

We’d like to thank the headmaster at the Library of Lost American Melodies in Minous for supplying us with this fine assortment of music for our dockside entertainment.

The Docking Zone is for loading and unloading only.

The Loading Zone is for docking purposes only.

The Unloading Zone is for purposes unlike those of the Loading and Docking Zones.

Any passengers with experience in piloting a riverboat should give their name to the Skipper upon boarding. (Just in case.)

In the world of science, recent research has uncovered the fact that certain species of crocodiles are repelled by brightly colored clothing!

As a reminder: passengers traveling on the Nile should consider wearing brightly colored clothing during their cruise.

"Anything Goes Selections" by the Paul Whiteman Orchestra, Ramona Healy, and Hauser Laurence

Fishing from the sides of the Jungle Cruise boats is strictly prohibited. (Unless of course you happen to be fishing a relative out of the crocodile-infested waters of the Nile River.)

If your vessel needs repairs, please see our mechanic, located at the Boat Storage area. It is not proper to remove parts from other Skippers’ boats. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated.

Doctor Hugo Squirtum’s popular pachyderm lecture series will continue on Saturday night at the Jungle Trading Post. This week's lecture, “Elephant Trunks: Part Drinking Straw, Part Water Pistol,” will focus on the many ways elephants use their flexible appendage for nourishment, skin care, and friendly contact!

"Let's Misbehave" by Irving Aaronson and His Commanders

Those individuals waiting in line for the Annual Platypus Sightseeing Expedition should check in with the Booking Office immediately! Someone made a rather nasty mistake on your vacation destination. Sorry!

Attention, children: please be advised that there are reports of wild adults roaming the area! Thank you.

Skippers: only animals--not guests--are permitted to graze while in the rainforest.

Will the Jungle Cruise Skipper in khaki fatigues please report to the boat storage area? I’m sorry, let me clarify that: the Jungle Cruise Skipper in khaki fatigues working on the dock wearing the neat-looking hat and black walking shoes, answering to “Hey, You!” please report to the boat storage area.

"Painting the Clouds with Sunshine" by the Jack Hylton Orchestra

Here’s a helpful hint for all would-be jungle explorers! When observing wildlife in this region, it is important to blend in with the natural surroundings. That means remaining still while trying to look as green as possible.

If anyone sees the Skipper of the Orinoco Ida, please tell him that his last group of passengers has just returned to the dock with his boat.

Will the individual who left a box of small furry things by the Purser’s Office please come to reclaim them? They seem to be quite hungry.

The winning entrée from this month’s cooking competition is bamboo stew with shredded vine stems. Skipper Doug--our floating gourmet--recently tried this unusual dish and told us, “It tastes like chicken!” He was quick to add however, “So does everything else we cook around here.” Thanks, Doug.

"The Mooche" by Duke Ellington

Attention, navigators! Revised maps of the jungle areas have been completed, and should arrive the day after tomorrow, if the courier can find his way here.

Will world famous paleontologist, Dr. Cornelius Bifocal, please return the dinosaur coloring book--and crayons--he borrowed from the Dispatch Office?

Due to a recent outpouring of rain in our area, the Nile River is extremely wet today. Please drive slowly!

Guests arriving at dockside for the Jungle Cruise must check their baggage with the dockmaster. This includes all wild animals and children under the age of five.

Passengers returning from the jungle are advised to hold their baggage claim tickets until all belongs have been secured. Guests not returning needn’t worry about it.

Attention, all Skippers: several well-known photojournalists will be boarding our boats today for photographic studies of the region. However, in order to minimize any disruption of our tours, they will be disguised as local tourists. If you should happen to spot one, please do not ask for autographs.

"The King's Horses and the King's Men" by the Jack Hylton Orchestra

Individuals taking excursions into the Congo should provide their own drinking water and rations, since snacks will not be served.

Since our weekly shipment of tea has been delayed, papaya juice will now be served at the four o'clock hour. As always, day-old crumpets will still be available!

All crew members should secure a spot in the bunkhouse as soon as possible! And remember, if you walk in your sleep, don’t forget to don your bathing cap before retiring this evening.

For sale: late model war canoe. Hand-carved wood interior, dual paddles, and naturally air-conditioned! Interested parties should respond through the grapevine.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

How do you think beginning of the series Ax would respond if his rescuers were actually trained child soldiers expected to go into combat at their age?

[Sorry that this is a little off-base from what you requested; I just didn’t feel qualified to write about child soldiers and so opted to write about child fighters instead.]

• Aximili has seen photographs of humans before, of course he has.  He studied the single chapter of his xenobiology textbook that covered them (Yuri Gagarin, the text said, Neil Armstrong, and he did his best to remember) when he found out that he’d be accompanying Elfangor on the upcoming mission to Earth.  Nonetheless, he startles when the five strange creatures emerge from the Dome ship’s airlock, firing his dracon beam in quick succession until they have all collapsed on the floor.

He takes a moment to study them before they awaken.  They have artificial skins covering parts of their bodies, which he knew to expect, but some of them have decorations on the skin itself that are strangely beautiful as well: one of them with long yellow hair has dozens of tiny lines, arranged in groups of five, marked on the skin of its shoulder and upper arm.  Another alien with a larger build and a darker shade of golden hair has what must be thousands of feather etchings covering its arms from wrist to wrist, the pattern continuing across its back as if it is permanently in the earliest stages of a morph to some kind of tan-and-brown bird.

The smallest one, whose skin is the darkest shade of brown, becomes the first to sit up.  As it does so, Aximili registers the words written on the inside of its forearm: no peace without justice.  The alien’s companion (long dark hair, perpetually suspicious eyes) name-drops Visser Three so casually that for a second Aximili panics, nearly taking the alien’s head off with his tail blade before he gets control of himself again.

• Slowly they all relax, and Aximili learns their names.  The big one with the dark hair and just one tattoo—of a tiger sitting calmly looking out at the viewer—is Jake, or Big Jake as the others call him.  His cousin with her dozens of tiny hash marks, her claw-shaped fingernails, and her metal-lined teeth is named Rachel, called Xena.  Tobias, or “Hawk,”  is the one with the wings and the shy grey eyes that almost disappear when he ducks his head enough for dirty-blond bangs to fall over his face, and Cassie (“Gaia”) is the small one with the words on her arm.  Marco, or Mars, has the most, and the most beautiful, ink of all of them: words and shapes and images crowd his shoulders, his legs, his knuckles, the back of his neck.  Dios no dio alas a los alacranes, his left forearm says, and James 2:13 splays across his ankle.

“Ax,” Marco says, when Aximili tells them his name.  “Yeah, let’s call you Ax.  Kinda violent, very edgy, I like it.”  Ax sees another tattoo rolling up his left shoulder: Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for I am the evilest son of a bitch in the valley.

“You need a second name,” Rachel (Xena?) explains.  “Otherwise no one will take you seriously.”

• And then they give him the news about Elfangor.

“I’ve lost a brother too,” Jake says softly.  “He was killed a few months ago.  Got caught in the crossfire of some random drive-by on his way home from work.”

“We found them,” Rachel says.  She taps the first three tally marks on her arm in a gesture that Ax doesn’t understand at the time.  “We got our revenge.  You want help getting yours, pretty sure Jake’d be happy to take you on.”

«You are their prince, then?» Ax asks Jake.

All of them look around at each other in sudden uncertainty.

“My brother was the one who made sure we had somewhere to sleep, enough to eat, clothes to wear, the time we needed to stay in school,” Jake explains at last.  “If anyone hurt us he’d hurt them, and if any of us got killed he’d wipe out as many people as it took to even the score.  I inherited all that from him, and I’ve been doing my best to do the same.  That what you mean by a prince?”

«Yes,» Ax says.  «That is exactly what a prince does for his warriors.  Very well then, Prince Jake, I will do my best to serve your mission until such time as my cousins arrive.»

• The six of them spend nearly an hour touring the Dome ship, asking Ax questions as they recuperate and as (he can admit to himself) he delays leaving the only tiny piece of home he has left in this strange world.  He tells them what he can about the ship and how he came to be on it, and in exchange they tell him their stories.

Jake and Rachel were both orphaned three years back, all four of their parents killed when the plane they were taking home from vacation went down in the Caribbean Sea.  All five of them—Jake and his brother, Rachel and her sisters—ended up shipped off to their aunt Ellen’s house, at least at first.

“And then Saddler broke Jordan’s arm,” Rachel growls, voice so hard with anger that Ax takes a step back in fear.  “And Aunt Ellen believed that little twerp when he said it was an accident, that it’d never happen again.  Accident my ass.”

The very next day, Tom had stolen their aunt’s minivan and run away with the lot of them to downtown Los Angeles.  He’d worked three or four jobs while Jake and Rachel got in the habit of shoplifting what Sarah and Jordan needed, and together they’d been able to afford a basement apartment in South LA.  He’d never wanted Jake and Rachel to get caught up in the violence the way some of the kids in their neighborhood did, but then no one planned on him getting killed either.

Marco still technically lives at home with his dad, but it’s not like his dad knows what he gets up to all day, and he and Jake started traveling together because they’re safer in a pair than alone.  The two of them brought first Rachel into the group, then Cassie after Rachel realized Cassie had no one else to go home to at the end of the day.  “I’ve been all over,” Cassie says, “or I was until my one foster sister started drowning chipmunks for fun.  Then I punched her a bunch of times. Ran away.  Settled down.”

Rachel jokes that Tobias followed them home after Jake made the mistake of feeding him.  Ax later learns the real story of how they met, and it’s not nearly that cute: it involves Tobias being cornered by three larger boys in an alleyway.  It involves Jake firing two shots from the gun he inherited from Tom, one into the air, one into someone’s leg.

The story of how Tobias ended up as a runaway in the first place is complicated as well.  “My aunt wanted a niece,” he explains with a wry smile.  “Wanted me to wear dresses and makeup, to have nice long hair, to pretend to be a girl so she wouldn’t have to tell the neighbors about my abnormality.  There was this little typo on my birth certificate, see, and everyone’s been real confused about what to call me ever since.”

«I see,» Ax says, blatantly lying.

• They make a run for it, not too much later, and together they survive their first fight against the yeerks.  Over that afternoon Ax’s respect for this odd group of alien children grows steadily: they never leave one of their own behind, they’re very good at hiding fear under anger, and they know how to scan constantly for danger and respond with a second’s notice.  Eventually, with the help of an enormous sentient creature that lives in Earth’s waters, they wash up on the shores of Los Angeles Harbor.

«With your permission,» Ax says, «I would like to take DNA from each of you.  With the frolis maneuver, I can create a human shape that is a unique mixture of your attributes.»

“Then again, maybe you should just take from Tobias and Rachel.”  Marco smiles, but his eyes are colder than ever.  “The cops’ll give you a lot less hassle that way.”

Ax looks around at each of them.  «Human law enforcement will pay less attention to me if I have yellow hair, pale skin, and light-colored eyes?»

Marco laughs.  “Now you’re getting it.  Welcome to Earth, man—you’re gonna fit right in.”

“Just take DNA from all of us,” Tobias says, seeing Ax’s confusion and taking pity.  “We’re all a bunch of rejects anyway, so you might as well.”

• Ax becomes closer to this group of aliens over the next several missions than he could have ever imagined.  They open their home to him, even if that home is a nearly empty room in an otherwise abandoned building that contains a few sleeping bags and hotplates.  They teach him to defend himself as a weak little human, using switchblade and semiautomatic when he doesn’t have a tail blade or claws.

Cassie walks a mile and a half to the nearest yeerk-owned convenience store to shoplift him a dozen cinnamon buns the day he finally contacts his family with news of Elfangor’s death.

Tobias takes Jake and Rachel’s gentle-but-firm scolding about his carelessness with time limits (which has already resulted in half a dozen close calls), but he also asks Ax to teach him how to be better at keeping track of time.

Jordan and Sarah—who know about everything, to Ax’s surprise—don’t know what to make of him at first, but pretty soon they’re bringing home backpacks full of grass clippings so he’ll have something to eat, while he’s teaching them the basics of andalite dance.

• Every time they go out on a mission, they follow the same routine.  Jake solemnly hands Jordan a gun—the only time she’s allowed to handle one—and makes her go over the rules again.  She and Sarah are not to leave, no matter what happens.  She’s not to shoot anyone unless someone tries to attack her, or unless one of them comes back alone without explanation.  If anything happens short of a direct attack, or one of them coming back as a controller, she’s to run to the pay phone down the street and call 911 instead.  If three days pass and she doesn’t hear back from any of them at all, she and Sarah need to get on the next bus to San Luis Obispo and they need to go back to Aunt Ellen’s house.

• “We don’t kill unless we have to,” Rachel tells Ax, after he watches her tear a controller’s throat out.  “But if we have to, we kill.  Got it?”

He learns that that’s their blanket policy: the Animorphs (as they call themselves) don’t mess with other gangs in the area, but other gangs better not mess with them.  They don’t kill randomly, and they don’t escalate, but if they get hurt they will find the perpetrator and hurt him back.

They don’t like killing—well, he’s not sure about Rachel, but the others certainly don’t—but they are nonetheless very good at it.  If caught out of morph, Marco can shoot a hork-bajir-controller’s head off at 200 yards.  Cassie can take down a human-controller with a single jab of an inch-long penknife.

• Each time they make it home alive, Ax watches in fascination as Rachel tattoos two, three, sometimes as many as eight fresh lines onto her rows of tally marks, which by now reach two inches past her elbow and wrap around her forearm.  He’s learned by now that only the first three are pure black, and every one since then is black with a narrow white shadow.

“Black’s for enemies,” Rachel explains.  “White’s for the innocent hosts that get caught in the crossfire.”

Ax assumes at first that they must be a form of penance—each one involves jamming a needle into her soft skin dozens of times and injecting foreign substances underneath the surface to create an off-colored scar—but the longer he knows her, the more he suspects they’re a boast.

• It takes him longer to find out about the row of raised bumps along the back of Cassie’s calf, or what they mean.  “It’s cultural appropriation, probably,” she says with a self-deprecating smile, “but I got it from something they do in Ethiopia to signify growing up.”

She doesn’t make one for every kill, unlike Rachel; her system is more complex.  Ax knows that she does it after all three occasions where they blow up a Sharing location during a meeting, and once after they dump poison into a yeerk pool.  But she adds them at other times as well: when she finally demorphs in the long aftermath of her encounter with Aftran, when Aldrea nearly gets her killed.

“I could show you how to make them, and how to make them stay while you morph,” she offers to Ax.  “It’s not that hard, or it wasn’t after Rachel figured out how her ears stay pierced every time she morphs.”

Eventually Ax agrees to just one mark, encircling his tail where it meets the blade.  The symbol is simple—a curling series of lines whose ends intersect to form a circle—but its meaning is complex.  «The placement’s about mourning, but specifically about respect for the one who is mourned,» he explains awkwardly.  «They meet at the bottom to signify family, and the curl at the top is for a peer, but a peer from whom one has learned much…  It’s not the kind of thing that translates well into words.»

“What you said makes perfect sense to me,” Jake says, bright-eyed.  With Ax’s permission he imitates the pattern around his own left wrist.

• It’s Jake who keeps them all in line, Jake who insists they only shoplift from yeerk-owned businesses and give back the cars Marco steals once they’re done with the mission.  Jake won’t let Rachel kill the girl from their class who called her a white trash bitch, or the boy who wolf-whistled her on the way home, but he shepherds the rest of them outside as she shoots David precisely between the eyes.

Ax catches him sitting on the roof of the abandoned building they inhabit, one night after a raid on Joe Bob Fenestre’s house goes wrong in about eighteen different ways.  L.A. is far too light-polluted and smoggy to see any stars, but Ax knows that Jake is looking for them all the same because he’s done the same thing himself.

«I think he would have been proud of you,» Ax says softly.

“Your brother?” Jake asks, seeming to shake himself out of a daze.

«And yours.»

“You ever wonder if…”  Jake looks down at the concrete of the roof, thinking for a second.  “If every other kid our age trying to hold down a job, or a family, or, hell, an entire freaking gang… If they don’t know what they’re doing any better than we do?”

«Maybe they don’t,» Ax says.  «But most of them find a way to survive anyway, don’t they?»

“Thing is, I’m not sure they do.  Seems like every time I turn around there’s someone else I know getting shot, stabbed, hooked on heroin, thrown in prison…”  Jake smiles faintly, the expression tired.  “We were never supposed to live past twenty-five.  That was half the reason we got involved in this fight in the first place, you know that?  We all knew how to fight already when Elfangor found us, and we all figured that if we were going nowhere fast we might as well take down some aliens along the way.  I don’t think anything’s changed since then.”

«You’ve hurt them,» Ax points out.  «You’ve made Visser Three afraid.  We have.  Six kids, no real training, and we’ve killed more yeerks than most andalite warriors do in a lifetime.»

“But does it solve anything?” Jake asks.  “If the war ends tomorrow we’ll still be a bunch of dead-end trash with no prayer of ever getting a real job between us.  Tobias’ll still be stuck in a body he hates for the rest of his life, Marco probably won’t have his mom back, Rachel… I mean, god, you ever think about what Rachel would do if the war ended right now?”

Ax doesn’t have an answer.

• And as it turns out, he’ll never get one.  Because, turns out, Rachel doesn’t live to see the war’s end.

• Ax knows what to expect when the press gets ahold of their story, or at least he thinks he does.  There are nearly twelve hours of lag time between the yeerks’ official defeat and the first chance to land the Pool ship on Earth, during which time his teammates give him a crash course in all the nastiest sides of the American media.  Therefore, he’s saddened but not surprised the first (or the tenth, or the hundredth) time someone refers to them as thugs, as superpredators, as hoodlums or delinquents.  He understands in advance that when reporters call Eva an “alien” they’re not talking about extraterrestrials, that there’s a reason Cassie and Marco are “un-American” in a way Jake and Tobias are not, and that no one is going to bother to learn Tobias’s real name as long as they can use the one on his birth certificate instead.

However, as cynical as the Animorphs are, even they cannot anticipate just how awful people can become.  No one anticipated the calls for Marco to “go back to” a country he’s never visited.  They didn’t foresee that the baby pictures Tobias’s aunt sold to the press, and his subsequent misclassification, would mean that people suddenly had opinions about Rachel’s “lesbian influence” over future generations.

Just when Ax thinks he’s learned about every type of prejudice that could possibly exist, a heckler asks Jake a question (something about religion and money that Ax doesn’t understand) that causes Marco to punch the man so hard he breaks his own hand, and the lessons in all the ways humans suck start all over again.

• All five of them get a number of offers of adoption from concerned citizens, even Ax and Marco, which is weird because both of them have living parents and perfectly good homes already.

Most of the offers from concerned strangers are horribly condescending, the letters or introductory emails filled with phrases about how these self-righteous souls want to “get these children off the streets,” give Marco “a real home for a change,” help Tobias sort out his “confusion” about gender, and so on.  Marco takes a great deal of delight composing extremely rude responses on his and Ax’s behalf.

Jake’s the only one who shows interest right from the start, but only because he’s got more people than himself to think about: Sarah and Jordan are his responsibility now.  The way Jake approaches the whole process is somewhat off-putting to most prospective guardians, exactly the way it’s meant to be.  The caregivers who expect to meet a helpless war orphan or a traumatized child instead find themselves confronted by a self-assured young man who approaches the contract negotiation process (which is exactly what it is, at least once Jake’s done writing the paperwork and getting a child advocacy lawyer to approve it) with more demands than concessions.  Anyone who wants to have Jake absolutely must adopt Jordan and Sarah as well.  Jake does not consent for their images or any personal information to be shared with the media or the general public.  Any guardian who violates these terms can expect Jake to file immediately for emancipated minor status, and sue for sole custody of his cousins.  The first thirty-seven candidates Jake interviews all leave shouting, sometimes in tears.

Tobias turns down all offers—not exactly hard to do, when half the letters aren’t even addressed to him—and is on the verge of simply becoming homeless again when Ax passes along his parents’ wishes to meet their grandson.  There’s nothing left for Tobias on Earth anyway, so together he and Ax board the first shuttle they can find to take them to the andalite home world.

Cassie delays making a decision for as long as she can, but then one day she receives a letter from a local veterinarian.  The vet, whose name is Michelle, talks about how Cassie is an icon for all African American women, one with whom it would be an honor to share her home.  She and her husband Walter don’t have children, but they do have horses and birds and an entire clinic of wild animals, and if Cassie’s willing to be patient then they’re willing to do whatever it takes to learn how to care for a girl as well… Cassie accepts on the spot.

Candidate thirty-eight is a single woman in her fifties that Jake, despite himself, likes almost right away.  He relaxes a great deal when he finds out she was an involuntary controller during the last months of the war, which means that even if she doesn’t understand what they’ve been through she can come close enough.  The first real glimmer of hope comes when she approves of the contract (mentioning that his aunt would doubtless be proud of the good work he’s done with it) and even suggests a few clauses of her own.  They talk frankly for nearly three hours, during which time the woman agrees to set aside tuition for the highest-quality (and highest-security) private high schools and colleges for all three children.  Jake learns, too, that she had a son who like her was taken by the yeerks during the war: Rachel killed him on the deck of the Blade ship, and his body was never recovered.

• Ax returns to his homeworld, where he is made a war-prince almost before he sets hooves to grass.  Where he isn’t treated as a “controversial figure” and no one whispers about how he is a psychopath and an animal who should be put down.  Where celebrations in his honor are uncomplicated and never met by protests.  Where he and Tobias can be themselves and no one tries to simplify their complications into a story that makes for a good headline.

• Global War I, the history textbooks on Earth call it a hundred years later.  The parallel to World War I is deliberate: just like then, the writers say, there was no reason for it all.  There might have been bad guys, but there were no good ones.  There were no thanks for the people who ended it all, only thanks that it came to an end.  Some kids had something to do with hurting the Yeerk Empire, but their names have since been lost to time.

[kyuu-rereads-umineko]

Ep6, Chapter 5 & 6 (Part 1)

So, yeah, the Steam version of Chiru’s out, but for the time being, I’m gonna stick to making my posts off of the original Witch Hunt/UmiTweak release, the main reason being that I’m already partway through Ep6. There’s also the voice acting, which I think adds a great deal to the story.

Once I get to Ep7, I’ll probably switch to the Steam release. Hopefully that doesn’t take too long, especially since I want to keep up with Rokkenjima’s Chiru Tea Parties alongside this, but... We’ll see, I guess!

Anyways. If I recall correctly, these chapters feature Erika wasting her time arguing with a 9-year-old and being even more dense than Battler used to be? Fun times inbound!

The chapter opens with Shannon talking about how she used to be “a bit of a klutz” “back then” - forgetting where she left something, or forgetting to lock a door/cabinet/whatever. It’s funny - despite how relatively insignificant this information is (especially since we’ve seen Shannon being a bit clumsy in earlier Eps), it’s good at strengthening the connection between Yasu in her story in Ep7 and what Shannon was like when she was younger.

that sentence was kind of a mess but i hope you understand what i mean

Battler asks her how she got over her forgetfulness, and Shannon explains that she got in the habit of taking notes about where she put things and such. Again, pretty minor, but it brings to mind Yasu tying a string around her keyring...

Erika interrupts, asking flat-out if she’s seen Beatrice or not. Shannon says, “I didn’t see her directly, but... umm... some very strange things did happen...”

The narrative mentions that she’s thinking of “a certain summer night,” and then jumps to the two Beatos wandering the mansion at night. “From Shannon’s perspective, it was a ghost story. From the witch’s perspective... it was just the story of a little summer’s night prank...”

Elder explains the concept of “anti-magic toxin” to Chick. She says something interesting here, and I’m not entirely sure how to parse it - “One thing we do have in our favour is the fact that our existence is still extremely weak. Because of that, the toxin does not affect us greatly.”

In magic terms, I think what she means is that it can’t cause the two of them as much pain as it’s shown to cause for, say, characters like the Stakes or Sakutarou in Ep4. In mundane terms... hmm. Maybe that, since the ghost stories about the witch haven’t really taken hold yet, people are less desperate to argue against them? I’m really not sure.

“[Chick] had thought that she wasn’t a witch because she couldn’t use magic, but apparently, she was still a witch nonetheless.”

Elder mentions that not only being seen, but “being heard or sensed can also result in contact with the toxin.” Basically, any cause for suspicion that “the witch’s actions” have a “human culprit” is damaging.

Chick wonders internally why she wasn’t burnt by Battler’s toxin. Meta gonna meta? The anti-magic toxin’s never really seemed to be “a thing” in the Meta-World - it’s more of a gameboard construct.

“Simply put, as we are now, we can only exist when humans aren’t around...”

Elder is awestruck at the idea of being able to appear openly in front of humans. “Is that what we will eventually become?”

Pretty reflective of how Yasu would’ve felt, I imagine. When she started with her little witch pranks, I doubt she could’ve imagined them growing to encompass the entire island the way they did.

“Hmmm, how inspiring. If that is our future, it means that all of our hard work will have been worth the effort.” okay that one hurts

And then Chick asks how those efforts relate to what they’re currently doing - unlocking windows behind the mansion’s servants, lol. Elder explains that the fact the window was unlocked even though “there’s no one in the hallway” is proof of their existence, and of their magic.

“Of course, it wasn’t just small pranks like opening a window. She could also smash windows and vases, or leave behind strange fires and mysterious scribbles.” YASU WHAT ARE YOU DOING

“One day, I will... no, we will become a single witch and control all of Rokkenjima... When that time comes, we will gain complete freedom and will be capable of stretching our wings as we please.”

And Chick realizes the reason she could appear in front of Battler so openly is because at this point, he fully believes in the witch’s existence and doesn’t have any anti-magic toxin to speak of. HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

In Featherine’s study, meanwhile, Ange and Featherine discuss the Beatos’ logic. It basically comes down to the fact that they’ve - Yasu’s - created an atmosphere where anything strange happening on the island is blamed on the witch.

“The servants might have forgotten to lock [the window], or one of the family might have opened it after the servants had locked up and forgotten to shut it again, or maybe someone had played a prank. In the same way that none of those possibilities could be denied... it was also impossible to deny the possibility that a witch really had opened a window to enjoy the night breeze...”

“That’s one of the foundations of magic. Decorating... the process.”

Ange acknowledges that “good magic” really does exist. Featherine says, “The power to repel evil magic may be necessary for a child of man. However, it is the nature of love in the human world that it does not burn away and defile love-filled magic.”

Ange concludes that “Beatrice” isn’t a person’s name, but the name of a phenomenon - that anything strange that happens at night is blamed on the witch. “That all piles up until we reach 1986... This is the veil that the true culprit is hiding behind. And the person hiding behind it is, without a doubt, a human.”

Featherine contends that she can’t stick to that argument “to fight all the way through 1986,” and Ange doesn’t have a response. The narrative jumps back to the gameboard, where presumably Shannon’s just detailed the window being unlocked on that night.

...And Erika, being Erika, says that it was just because someone forgot to lock the window.

Shannon mentions that it happened many times over (which she’d know, of course), and Erika calls her an idiot. I really can’t stand her in this episode, I’m sorry...

Everyone else chimes in to support Shannon, but Erika turns to pointing the finger at the servants as a group. THE IRONY......

She concludes with, “Of course there’s no way Beatrice exists,” and “This delusion of a Golden Witch Beatrice [...] is completely impossible,” which angers Maria. here we fuckin go

Maria states that she’s met Beato (which she has), and that Beato shows her magic all the time. Erika asks her to explain in detail. Seriously, this girl...

The other cousins try calming the situation down, but Erika throws out all pretenses of being polite (again) to challenge Maria. Meta breaks in, and Maria appears in her witch outfit.

Erika invites her to reproduce the magic, and Dlanor appears to tell her, “This battle is not worth FIGHTING.” AT LEAST ONE OF YOU HAS A GOOD HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS

At any rate, ridiculous red/blue truth battle ensues. I really don’t have a lot to say about this and formatting the text colours is a pain, so...

During it, though, Erika says, “All truths are nothing more than claims! So, I’ll make a claim separate from yours and smash right through yours!! That is the detective’s duty, and the time we shine the mooooost!!” I think this is a good line to use to reflect on why I don’t like Erika in this episode.

In Episode 5, she has very apparent narrative functions - she’s a detective like Battler is, but ultimately, she’s very much an antithesis of him. She’s a ruthless deconstruction of the mystery/detective fiction genre in general, and she’s a guide on “what not to do” to solve the mystery. She’s also, ultimately, the metaphorical kick in the pants Battler needs to really try solving Beato’s riddle properly, and a parody of the Mary Sue character, by way of literally being Bern’s self-insert. She fulfills all of these purposes quite well, while being an entertaining character at the same time.

In Ep6, though? True, she still functions as a deconstruction of the genre, and as an example of how ignoring the heart of the story leaves you unable to solve it, but... I feel like the former’s kinda old hat at this point, and the latter isn’t done particularly well? Ryukishi (and Battler, I suppose) kinda smack us over the head with that point in this episode, with Erika just shrugging off the love duel getting so much attention and Battler flat-out asking her what her problem is.

On top of that, we’ve got the contrast between her being an absolutely horrible person like she was in Ep5 with an attempt at humanizing her by giving her some sort of tragic backstory involving a cheating boyfriend (that doesn’t really make much sense for a 14-year-old girl, but I digress). I realize the two sides of her match with Umineko’s theme of contradictory options both being true (the culprit being a witch or a human, for instance), but in this case, they don’t mesh well for me at all. Her cruelty is too dramatically overblown for me to take her seriously as anything but either Bern’s self-insert or a parody of the genre, but Ep6 tries using her as a character to convey an important point - her spiel about love making people “see things that aren’t there.”

On top of that, she’s painted as being a “rival” to Battler, when... I never really felt like that was the case? Sure, in Ep5, they do kinda feel that way, but ultimately, Beato is still his rival, and strictly speaking, Erika’s not his “main enemy,” either - Bernkastel and Lambdadelta are. Even though Erika’s given a focus, I don’t feel like that changes in Ep6, either - Bern is the one throwing a fit about losing, while Erika is just kinda going “Yes, master!” the whole time. She feels... more like a device than a character to me, sometimes, y’know?

That’s not to say that her presence is meritless, though. She provides some top quality humour and memeing, and the ending of the episode is phenomenal. Just, overall, I don’t really care for her here.

Anyways. Erika and Maria continue yelling at each other, yada yada yada.

“Let it be known that this fight has no point...” gertrude is on point

Erika does the magic, screeches about how Maria’s a moron, etc. etc.

“...Sheesh!! Just one more step and I’d have been able to take a heart as innocent as the smooth sand just after a wave has pulled back and tear it to bits. ...What a shame. This isn’t fun anymore.” She also gives the most insincere apology ever for “tearing a kid’s dreams apart.” 

Back on the board, she gives another “apology” of “I’m still just a kid.” Maybe I’m guilty of not looking at her with love, but fucking hell this girl.

Maria stops crying and starts cackling instead, proclaiming herself as Beatrice’s apprentice. Erika says, “Let’s fight in a more satisfying game next time.” Maria says sure.

The cousins and Shannon leave, heading upstairs to play cards, and then Kumasawa enters. Erika asks her about the stories of Akujikishima and the witch of the forest, offering to get her a drink as well. With that, the chapter ends.

The next chapter opens on George and Shannon in the rose garden arbour, where George comments that he “can’t seem to get along well with kids these days,” about Erika. don’t worry jooji you are not the only one

“I think kids around Erika-san’s age have a really hard time accepting themselves,” says Shannon. This is... oddly painful, considering that Shannon’s given age is 16, meaning she “would’ve been 14” when Yasu solved the epitaph...

George comments that when he was around that age, “I was a weak, deplorable man who didn’t deserve any respect.” ouch

Y’know, I think it’s fair to say that my opinion of George has changed a lot in the 2 years or so since I started this blog. I think he genuinely tries to be a good person, even if he’s passive-aggressive and self-centred - I honestly don’t think he realizes it a lot of the time. To be clear, I don’t mean his twisting of the knife when young Yasu was in tears over Battler leaving - that was intentional and pretty fucking gross on his part. I mean his behaviour in/around 1986 - his focus on what his relationship with Shannon does for him, him shrugging off her concerns and talk about magic... I don’t think there’s any “intent” there (though whether or not that makes it better or worse is debatable) - I think the effects of it just slip right under his radar.

It still makes me kind of ill to see how he responds to Shannon’s furniture complex, but, again - I don’t think it’s because he “doesn’t care” or anything like that; I think his thinking is that if it were something really, truly serious, Shannon would be up-front about it.

That’s absolutely not to put the onus on Yasu for not explaining her situation to him - considering the weight of everything she had on her shoulders, from her identity issues to her body to her blood, I don’t feel comfortable at all with blaming her for not speaking up. It’s been a while since I read the Ep8 manga scans, but I seem to recall that George and Jessica express that sentiment at one point in the Golden Land, too.

I think, ultimately, George’s chief sin is the same as Battler’s - he just doesn’t really think about how what he says or does is impacting the woman closest to him. The key differences are that 1) since we follow Meta-Battler throughout the series, we’re able to see his character develop, from angrily refusing to see things from Beato’s perspective to eventually throwing his life away for her, whereas with George, we... don’t, and 2) even on first read-through, Beato is a lot more... inscrutable, if you will, than Shannon is. Even if we don’t know the depth of what Shannon’s trouble about, it’s easy to tell that something about George’s family talk bothers her, whereas with Beato (in part because the story’s usually told from Battler’s perspective), a lot of her reactions only really make sense in hindsight, even when she’s clearly upset (e.g. Battler rejecting her presentation of Beatrice II’s story in Ep3, and her reaction to Battler’s failed confession in Ep4).

Maybe I’m just stating the obvious here, who knows! Point is, while George definitely grates on my nerves at times, I don’t really hate the guy. He’s just as human as the rest of the cast, and as one of Yasu’s main male love interests, his flaws are often quite visible.

Anyways! At Shannon’s questioning, George admits that the reason he resolved to grow up and become a “splendid adult” wasn’t just because of love for Shannon. He starts going into some of his insecurities, about how he used to be “afraid” of “interacting with women,” and how he didn’t even recognize them at the time.

Huh, Shannon’s oddly confident during this exchange again. She makes a comment about understanding how George felt when it comes to trying to get noticed by the opposite sex, and when he prods her for details, instead of clamming up and blushing like we’d expect, she smiles and says “Of course.” I’m not quite sure how to word it beyond this, but I can really feel Tohya’s love for Yasu coming through here... quite strongly, at that.

And George admits that the turning point for him was how envious he was of Battler and how close he was to Shannon. George prepares to confess...

...And Ange breaks in to throw a jab at Featherine for watching the two of them. lol

“Stories of love are truly timeless. I never tire of them... However, I do find that expression of virgin disgust on your face even more charming...” LOL

At any rate, George admits to looking down on Battler and Jessica when they were younger, and thinking that they’d never be able to find a partner because of how brash they are, as well as using that thinking to distract himself from his own inability to find a girlfriend. Featherine cuts in, commenting that Battler and Jessica “have the power to interact without worrying about their sexes.”

Ange says, “People like Onii-chan and Jessica onee-chan can get along with anyone whether that person’s a boy or a girl... I hate to say it, but I find guys who act too polite... a bit creepy. It’s like they’re virgins trying too hard or something...” ange has 0 chill

George says that at one of the family conferences, he realized that the servant girls - particularly Shannon - were getting along with Battler and Jessica a lot better than with him. “Sickening, isn’t it? ...I just assumed that you liked me, and even had some childish fantasy that we might end up dating. I felt as though my girlfriend had been stolen from me and let myself feel hurt.”

He admits to trying to emulate Battler and Jessica by "joking around and speaking rudely.” That’s... an interesting mental image, and Shannon says as much!

“The reason I had no charm was because of my cowardice. Under the pretense of respecting people and acting to fit in with the general atmosphere... I was always running away. [...] ...I made an oath. This time, I would really make you take notice of me, and I would be reflected in your eyes... Actually, that’s the first thing I felt when I fell in love with you.”

I have to give George credit here - confessing to something like that takes a lot of guts. I don’t think it’s something many people could do very easily, even in private like this. Having said that, and I hate to be critical of him now of all times, I think that this is really the core of most of his problems.

He was so dedicated to “being reborn,” and takes such pride in “succeeding,” that I don’t think he’s capable of taking a look at himself and realizing he’s still got a lot of growing to do on his own. I don’t think that’s something specific to him, either - I think just about everyone has a period like that at some point. The unfortunate thing about George, though, is that he’s surrounded by people who don’t encourage him to take a critical look at himself - Eva and Hideyoshi, I think, are too close to him and too proud of him to realize it, while Shannon, if anything, usually ends up enabling him to keep acting the way he does. The result is that he never really gets a chance to move past that.

“...Sounds pretty... complicated.” lol shannon

“On that day, my desire for revenge against the two of you who ignored me and played together... no, against you alone... suddenly transformed into true love.” Even already knowing how he really felt about Battler leaving the family six years ago, George admitting to resenting Shannon like that sends a shiver down my spine - not because of how gross of an emotion that is (I think, while it’s certainly not pretty, it’s a very human response, in a way), but because he’s able to confess to it. Again, even if he’s pretty rough around the edges at times... George really is strong, in his own way.

“However, I swear this to God. Even though that was the reason I first started to take you seriously... there are no lies in the way I feel about you now. I swear to love you for all my life. I will not lie about that for anyone or anything. And I am prepared to take you as my wife, even if it means having the entire world as my enemy.”

I can only imagine how precious hearing that must be for Yasu...

George starts to say something about how he lied about Shannon being his “first love,” and she forcefully interrupts him. “Is there some rule saying that people can’t get together just because they weren’t each other’s first love? Is it betrayal to forget the first person you fell in love with...?”

“Love... isn’t that simple. Well... it might be simple... After all, love is easy. ...Always, whatever you feel now... only the honest feelings you feel now can tell you the right answer. So, things of the past or how our relationship started aren’t important at all.”

George thanks her, saying, “I was only able to become who I am because of you.” Shannon replies likewise, and asks him to describe the “kind of future we will build together.”

He starts out talking about how he wants to succeed as a businessman, then says it right-out: “Let’s have some kids.”

Shannon’s reaction here is markedly different from any other episode - she laughs, and says, “Yes, my husband.” He paints a vivid picture of a big family, “surrounded by many children and grandchildren.”

I hate to say it, but... I really can’t parse this scene from the perspective of something that actually happened on the board. Even if Battler gave her a new lease on life like I speculated, the weight of everything Yasu was dealing with... I can’t see her responding so readily to George’s family talk like this. I mean, I guess Shannon as a character might, but any other time it’s brought up, Yasu’s terrified of what might happen when George finds out the truth.

At any rate, George gives her the ring... and says, “I swear to resolutely stand against any fate which may attempt to get in the way of our future.”

He talks about how he’s ready to leave the family if worst comes to worst, and Shannon repeats his sentiments about standing against fate. Hmmm...

And then meta breaks in again, and Erika asks Battler when the murders are going to start. He just tells her to shut up and watch. lmao

Really though, right now she’s even worse than Battler used to be in the first four Episodes. While he might’ve shrugged off a lot of Beato’s fantasy scenes in a similar manner, he was rarely this rudely dismissive of them, and he at least recognized that he’d upset Beato somehow when he was (Beatrice II’s backstory in Ep3). erika is a 0/10 detective

Erika realizes that Battler’s pitying her for whatever reason, and asks him to shut the fuck up when he calls her “sad”.

“I can’t understand you at all right now. What on Earth did you figure out? Weren’t you and Beato always insulting and trying to kill each other? ...What kind of truth could you have reached to make you change your emotions regarding her? ...Please don’t tell me that feelings of true love have sprouted from your murderous rivalry or anything like that, okay?”

As much as I still can’t stand Erika in this episode, I can’t help but read her as a standin for some readers here. Battler’s sudden shift in attitude at the end of Ep5 was incredibly baffling on first read-through, and I found myself wondering the same thing as she is here (though not as coldly as this).

Back on the board, Shannon returns to the servant room in the guesthouse. Kanon immediately notices the ring on her finger.

“...So, it’s my turn next.” ooooo

[birdofdoom]

Patches

This request was a bit of a challenge because I’m new to writing violence and intimacy, but I enjoyed it all the same. For clarification, things do get steamy, but I wouldn’t classify it as smut. I’m worried that this is low quality and that the pacing may be poor so I’d love any criticism or feedback so I can continue to improve.

The poster requested a Michael x Reader fic in which Michael finds himself in a bit of a bind after getting caught up in the illegal side of the business and runs to the Reader’s house for medical attention and support. As best friends she cares for him and things heat up. 

Michael x Reader

Warnings: mild violence 

He whinged with pain. The crack of teeth and bone echoed continuously in his left ear. The right was consumed by a shrill and disconcerting ringing. His knuckles ached under peeled back skin; crimson peaking through the lily of his flesh. His shoes were damp with blood, and he had long since lost track of whose it was. His woolen socks had swollen, absorbing the claret and making his boots all the heavier. Everything was heavier after a fight. His mind. His body. His breath. It was unbearable and dense because suffering always is. Michael thought it was as if people shoved their burden, their hate, their anger, the very toxicity of life, into every punch and that’s how pain was made. He subconsciously licked at his split lip and was met with stinging.

Welts were forming on his face, creating alien mountains and adding hues of puce and mauve to his alabaster skin. Scrapes bit around his sharp cheekbones and into his eyebrow. His thigh and shoulder bubbled with blood staining his once posh suit. Unlike his cousins, Michael was soft in feature. Smooth skin untouched by the flames of war, coupled with charm and class from a life outside of the family business left him with a cherubic face. Indeed, from afar he appeared innocent; angelic. However, upon further examination, he held the satanically commanding stare of his mother’s side. In fact, that was not the sole Shelby feature Michael possessed in spades. He had a lust for destruction. He found a sadistic joy in violence. Like Thomas, he was calculating and wise, often cold in his devastation. However, when pushed too far, Michael would lapse into the wicked madness found in Arthur’s fists.

He enjoyed his legal and safe career as Chief Accountant with Shelby Brothers Ltd. It appeased his mother and kept him sharp. The pay was more than fair and he enjoyed the platform it provided for his ambitions. Yet, hidden away in a quite room, behind frosted glass and golden nameplates, Michael was deafened by the silence. The position was straitlaced and confining. In turn, Michael squashed feelings of reproach and chaos to keep up appearances of a pristinely legal firm. He bottled up anger and irascibility under high pressure. He was a time bomb. Always perceptive, Thomas had proposed an inconspicuous arrangement for Michael to keep levelheaded. On days when Michael found order overwhelmingly trite and numbing he would ask Tommy for a name. It was always a single name on a slip of betting paper. And for the night, on behalf of the Peaky Blinders, not Shelby Brothers Ltd, Michael gave that name bearer hell.  

It felt good to be hired muscle; to beat the shit out of someone. Michael reveled in the power to strike fear into a person’s being. He loved the catharsis of pain and ache. He could release a week’s worth of exasperation into one sap of a man, all in the name of the Blinders. He was grateful for Tommy’s assistance and discretion. He felt more a part of the family when he fought, but could rest easy knowing his mother was ignorant of his volatility. It was comforting and it was becoming routine. 

That was until tonight. He had always accounted for a single opponent; one man or boy who needed leaning on. For weeks things had gone smoothly. Messages were received, payments made, and Michael could maintain composure at work. But this night he stumbled into a conflicting group of three. Never one to back down or retreat he carried on and as a result, took a beating. More than once he had unsuccessfully reached for his pistol in defense. The three men were stocky and powerful. They bore calloused palms and engorged muscles from time at the BSA. Their fists pummeled resentment into Michael’s saintly face. He could feel his ribs splinter and his lungs scream for air. He threw punches and kicks to little avail, like a hummingbird in a hurricane. Overcome with desperation, Michael’s body began to violently convulse. He lashed out with tenacity, throwing his body about as a weapon. No sooner had he thrown the men off of him, then he thrust his hands into his pockets retrieving small defenses.

Razor blades and daggers danced in the smoggy lamplight, kissing flesh with virgin scars. The brawl was messy and filthy and crude. Metal loops guarded Michael’s punches and his victims’ teeth flew from their gums. As metal made contact with the soft weakness of eyes, screams and blood perforated the night. At one point, the fracture of a skull on cobblestone rang out and everything fell silent. The largest of the three men was sprawled on the street, sanguine liquid pouring from his head. Retching and writhing in agony, Michael could see Death approaching the name on the betting slip. The gravity of the situation was plain. It had escalated too quickly and now the possibility of a murder charge was looming. He looked up at the other two men and saw only witnesses. All three remaining men pulled guns. Four shots broke the silence of the early morning hours. When the smoke cleared and the echoes faded Michael was the only man standing. He heaved as he felt where the two bullets had ripped through his left thigh and shoulder blade. He picked up his brass knuckles that had fallen to the street in the scuffle and felt panic begin to settle in his gut. 

He needed to lay low and get off the street. Fear gnawed at cogent thoughts and pushed forward distraction. Looking at the gore on the cobblestones, he knew it appeared indiscriminate and random. He scanned the perimeter for incriminating evidence and found nothing that explicitly pointed to him or the Blinders. His lungs struggled to inflate against his broken rib unleashing a hellish burning in his chest. He was hurt and scared. Following his heart rather than his head he stumbled a few blocks to [Y/N]’s apartment. He needed a place that felt like home, and as his closest friend, she was it. 

Leaning against the doorframe to [Y/N]’s apartment, he felt blood run down his leg and continue to pool in his shoes. The brown cotton laces were stained a deep port and the leather of his soles creaked in places where blood had begun to dry and restrict movement.  He didn’t want her to see the vileness of his aggression. He was overcome with shame, but pain superseded pride. He rapped on the thick wooden door, weakly calling her name. His head felt light and his breathing was becoming shallow. He could hear a slight clamor within the tiny apartment. Shortly thereafter warm light flooded his face as [Y/N] opened the door.

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! You need a hospital, Michael. Let me get my coat, I’ll run to Mrs. Paxton’s down the way, she has a phone. I can get an ambul…”

“No time. Please, just…” his voice was hoarse and he began to collapse before the thought was completed. Wrapping his good arm around her petite frame, [Y/N] cradled him inside. She struggled to lift him onto her kitchen table as his mind danced in and out of consciousness. In the short walk from the door to the kitchen, her white cotton nightdress was running damp with scarlet. She hurriedly bolted the door and escaped into the back washroom for provisions. Michael’s usually intense eyes were becoming opaquely glossy. They flitted across the water stained ceiling, looking vainly for redemption. He coughed and was met with volatile burning in his shoulder and chest.

“Fuck… [Y/N]?! [Y/N]?!” he cried for her in a needy whine, like a child for a mother.

“I’m here. I know it hurts, but just give me a sec.” She returned to his side, arms full of ointment, bandages, towels, and a quaint sewing kit. “What the fuck did you do, you little tosser? Completely ruined a good suit is what you did!”

In spite of himself, he cracked a toothy grin. That was why they were friends. She wasn’t afraid of the way morbidity followed his family like a shadow. Her humor was dark and she could hold her drink. Sitting and talking with [Y/N] felt like drinking bottled sunshine. Michael always felt safe when she was nearby. He admired her fearlessness and independence. They would stay up late drinking whiskey from the bottle in the back room of the Garrison talking about life and love. She was his confidant. She was his friend, his best friend.

His eyes followed her as she rushed to the stove, lighting the gas burners. She put a pot of water on, waiting for it to boil. As she rummaged through cabinets in search of supplies, he found himself staring at her. He had never really noticed the way fabric clung nicely to her frame or how the sway of her back gave rise to voluptuous hips. She turned around and was met with blush on his cheeks. For a moment he feared that his peeping was revealed, but she was far too focused on the task at hand. Worry crept into her brow. Even under duress, Michael found her face sweet and her lips tantalizing. She placed the back of her hand on his forehead. 

“You’re burning up. You’ve lost so much blood. I don’t know if this is a good idea. Is it normal to lose this much blood?”

“Well I was shot twice so…” he mumbled.

“Jesus, Michael! Lead with ‘I’ve been shot’ next time!” he winced out a small smile in response to her concern. It felt nice that she worried.  It felt nice to be looked after.

“Shit, I hope there isn’t a next time.” He exhaled through gritted teeth. The water was boiling and she dropped the towels into the pot.  

“I’ll make sure of that. I’m telling Polly. You can’t go…”

“Don’t you fucking dare! She’ll actually kill me.” [Y/N] laughed at Michael’s fear of his mother. She grabbed a half emptied bottle of cheap gin from behind a cabinet door and hastily poured a full glass.

“I’d prefer you sober now, thanks.”

“Cheeky, but this is for you, Mickey, not me.” Opening the sewing kit she pulled out shears. She sloshed them in the economy gin and dried them on her nightgown. “I’m sorry, but I have to get to the bullet. I can’t jostle you too much or I’ll lose it. So the posh pants will have to go.” Before he could ask what she meant, [Y/N] began cutting up his left pant leg until she revealed the crater in his flesh. 

“Christ on a bike.” She revolted. Michael was surprised. He had never seen her so squeamish. 

“Y’know, I’m the one that was shot. I thought this shit didn’t bother you.” “It’s different when you care…” She dropped the shears lazily in the sink and reached for two long hatpins from her sewing. After dunking them in gin, she opened a drawer and retrieved a wooden cooking spoon. 

“Right, so there’s no way about it. Bite down on this.” She placed the spoon in his mouth. “It will hurt, Mickey. I’m sorry.” Using the hatpins as makeshift tweezers, she began excavating the bloody hollow. [Y/N] dug for the metal as gingerly as possible, trying to steel herself against his aching sobs. Drool, sweat, and tears were forming an odd lake on the table around his throat. On the verge of passing out he grabbed at the hem of her nightshirt for comfort. “You’re doing great, Michael. Just a little bit more. Remember to breathe.” Her voice was steady and calming. “We’re gonna pull through. I’m here, don’t worry.” 

When metal finally hit metal Michael screamed. She secured the pins around the bullet and began extraction. He wailed and gurgled back tears while maintaining his bite on the wooden spoon. 

“Got it!” she said with relief plopping the slug into the gin glass. Michael was drained and appeared to be taking a brief respite, spitting out the spoon. [Y/N] seized the opportunity and poured a fair amount of gin on the wound. Michael howled. 

“What the ever loving fuck?”

“I’m sorry, but it needs cleaning. Okay, one more and then we’re all done. If you’re good I’ll give you a sweet after.” He laughed.

“I’m not four and this isn’t a shot. You owe me a fucking drink after.”

“Well, I’m using the last of the gin on you so I’ll have to buy you one at the Garrison.”

As [Y/N] unbuttoned Michael’s shirt, she realized that she was successfully undressing a man that she had feelings for. She blushed, and it didn’t go unnoticed. [Y/N] repeated the process of removing the bullet, this time from his shoulder. Knowing that the hellish sting of gin was coming, Michael quickly grabbed her hand for support. He squeezed tightly and she smiled softly to herself, happy to be needed. She gathered the bandages from the counter and packed both the wounds with gauze. After wiping away excess blood, she dressed the two large lesions. Lastly, she rang water from the towels on the stove and gingerly dabbed ointment on the small cuts on his face.

What seemed like an eternity had passed since he had stumbled through the door.  [Y/N] hadn’t really had time to think. She was tired and sore. Michael’s blood was everywhere; on the floor, on the table, in her hair, all over her clothes, under her fingernails. She needed a bath and a good night’s rest.

“C’mon, you need some kip.” She said, lifting him off the table. “You’re staying here tonight, because face it, you can’t walk. You can sleep in my bed, but we’ll need to find you a change of clothes. I’m not having you stain my sheets.” Michael was too sore to protest. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders while she snaked her arm around his waist to steady him. Leaning on her as a crutch, the pair hobbled into the cramped bedroom. She propped him against the wall, making her way to the wardrobe. [Y/N] shuffled through drawers looking for clothing in vain.

“I don’t think I have anything that’ll fit you. I think the only thing that’ll work is this,” she shrugged handing him a flannel lounging robe. He started to absentmindedly undress, sliding off his unbuttoned shirt and waistcoat. Even injured and covered with blood, [Y/N] found him to be beautiful.

“Enjoying the show?” his voice was strained but playful.

“Oh Jesus, sorry. Spaced out. Well, I’ll leave you to it,” she said too quickly. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. She could hear him chuckle as she scurried off to the washroom. [Y/N] took an icy bath, not wasting time to heat the water. She wanted to scrub the blood from her body as quickly as possible. In some places, it had dried like thick paint on her skin, leaving blotchy congealed rubies of violence. She grimaced as the soap and water washed away the reminder of Michael’s pain. The water was bitingly frigid, but the blood was more repugnant than the cold. Finishing swiftly, [Y/N] slipped into clean pajamas, opting now for a Billie Burke set rather than another nightgown. She walked out of the washroom into Michael’s gaze. [Y/N] was still mortified that she had been caught gaping and was trying to play it off. She yawned, feigning ignorance at his stare. When she turned to meet his gaze he refused to look away.

“Do you need anything? I can get you another blanket or a…” In spite of herself, [Y/N] spoke with hurried trepidation.

“I’m fine. I hurt, but I’m fine.”

“Good, well try to get some rest. It’ll help you heal. I’m off to bed. Night.” She smiled and began to leave the room.

“Wait, so where are you going to sleep then?”

“Just the chair in the hall, you need the space. Don’t worry about it. If you need anything, I’ll be right here.”

“I’m not tired yet. Let’s talk a bit, like at the Garrison.” Michael wanted her to stay. He felt an increasing need to have her close. What he had known to be feelings of friendship were blooming into something far more romantic.

“But I haven’t any more gin…”

“It’s fine, can you just… be with me right now?” His voice was tender and exposed.

“Yeah, of course, anything you need.” 

Michael shifted under the duvet, wrapping the flannel robe more tightly around his chest. The white and red of his bandages peaked through the collar of the housecoat, and she was reminded of his discomfort. Michael slowly propped himself onto his right side to face [Y/N]. She apprehensively sat at the foot of the bed, fearing that any sudden movement could be injurious. 

“There’s plenty of space here,” he ran his hand over the sheets to the right.

“Alright,” her voice wavered breathlessly. She lifted the duvet and slid gingerly onto the bed, cautious not to rock it. [Y/N] turned onto her left side, positioned eye to eye with Michael. The tension was palpable.

“So what is it that you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. I just didn’t feel like sleeping.”

“Look, Mickey I don’t ask questions, but I do feel entitled to answers, especially if you’re coming round with one foot in the grave.” Her eyes were honest to a fault and he could see her concern plainly. He sighed.

“It was business… it just got out of hand. I didn’t know they would be waiting for me. Guess I walked into a trap.”

“If it had to do with business, why not go to Pol or Arthur or John? Hell, Tommy’s in Arrow House, but you could have crashed at the betting shop.” He hesitated to respond.

“When I’m scared, I feel most at home with you. I knew you wouldn’t judge me and that you’d piece together how to patch me up. God knows Arthur and John aren’t sober this time of night, and mom would reign hell if she saw me in a state.” She laughed at his frankness. “I also just wanted to see your face.”

“And why would you want that?” she asked coyly.

“Because I need to kiss you.”

He reached up to cradle her cheeks warmly in his calloused hands. He could see her pupils dilate with desire and lust kiss flush into her cheeks. His lips were swollen and tender from the earlier brawl, but he didn’t care. He leaned in letting his mouth softly find hers. The ferrous taste of blood nipped at her tongue. Her fingers slowly laced their way through his mussed hair. Michael’s feet moved forward and their legs gradually intertwined. The kisses were slow and lazy. As the pair innocently explored their newly found intimacy, Michael felt the pain in his left side diminish. She yawned mid-kiss and he knew that [Y/N] needed sleep. He smiled and kissed her forehead fondly.  

“Alright, time for bed.” She moved to get up, but he held her tightly. “Sleep here tonight.”

She smiled.

“Tomorrow I’ll see to that drink and maybe we’ll find some patches for your posh pants,” she quipped.

[operationrainfall]

Title Persona 4 Golden Developer Atlus Publisher SEGA Release Date June 13th, 2020 Genre RPG Platform PC (Steam) Age Rating N/A Official Website

A few years back, when I was convinced to buy a Vita, there was one game everybody said I had to own. Despite chafing at being told what to play on my consoles, I eventually took the advice to heart. That game was none other than Persona 4 Golden, and it astounded me. Prior to playing it, I hadn’t been patient enough to play through Persona or SMT games, and got especially frustrated with the difficulty of Persona 3. But after P4G, I learned what to expect from the series, and with that knowledge came a greater appreciation for these games. The grind was just part of the experience, and it complemented a wonderful and twisty story. So when I discovered that Persona 4 Golden was coming to Steam, I jumped at the chance to cover it for oprainfall.

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After I started playing Persona 4 Golden on Steam, the weather fittingly took a turn for the worse, and it began raining hard for several days. There were intermittent breaks of sun, but the wet weather kept coming back. Which is my way of saying there’s a chance you’ll see my bearded face on the Midnight Channel not long after you finish reading this review. In the meantime, let me tell you what to expect from the game. After all, even many years later, I acknowledge not everyone is intimately familiar with the adventure. And since I’ve already beaten the game a couple times on my Vita, this review will mostly be focusing on the differences between the versions, as well as giving a synopsis of the plot and characters.

The story takes place in the rural town of Inaba. You’re the unnamed hero, a young man with strikingly gray hair moving in with your uncle and his daughter. While the purpose of your visit is primarily to attend Yasogami High, things quickly take a turn for the strange. Bodies start piling up, and suddenly Inaba is known more for murder than the local Junes store. And since this is a Persona game, you quickly discover you have a special knack for summoning your inner self to battle monsters as well as jumping inside a hidden world within TV screens. Thus starts Persona 4 Golden, and I promise you it’s a wild ride with many delightful twists and turns. While I won’t spoil any of them, I will focus next on a key component of any Persona game – the characters.

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The fabric of the game universe is woven tightly by the bonds established between this eclectic cast of characters. And while you could certainly make the same claim for any title in the beloved Atlus series, I have a special fondness for this cast of characters. Even years later, they still make me laugh, groan and cry at their antics. Whether it’s the spunky carnivore and lover of Kung Fu Chie, or the fiery diva with an odd sense of humor Yukiko, or even the awkward goofball Yosuke, it’s a really fantastic group. There’s more main characters than those I just mentioned, but I probably should let you discover the rest. I will say, they’re all well developed and quite distinct. One of my favorites is a certain bad ass who wields desks and chairs as weapons and is much more nuanced than you’d imagine, but there’s no duds here. Even the NPCs you encounter wandering the streets of Inaba add something to the mix. And the side characters bring a lot to the table, such as your adorable cousin Nanako or your gruff uncle Dojima. Your connection to the cast is important, since the bonds you cultivate between your hero and others not only expands your understanding of them, but it empowers you via Social Links.

I’m not sure if the folks at Atlus are fans of Freud, but the Persona games definitely focus on concepts of identity. This game in particular also confronts many gender issues, but in such a way that it’s up to the player how much attention they devote to that. As the game progresses, your characters confront those sides of themselves they repress, and only by accepting them, ugly bits and all, can they truly grow. In the process, your team slowly earns their own Personas, one for every main character. The only exception is your hero, who can utilize any Persona at your disposal, those encountered while dungeon crawling or fused in the Velvet Room. Another way the game addresses these concepts is via the Social Link system. As you spend time with others, you learn their hopes, dreams and fears. As those friendships grow, your rank in their corresponding Arcana increases, based around Tarot cards. For your teammates, that lets them learn new abilities and grow stronger. An example is acquiring follow up or team attacks, surviving critical damage once per battle, or even helping downed allies recover. For side characters, you’ll just gain bonuses when you fuse Personas of their Arcana, such as Hierophant, Empress or Star. Depending on their rank, you’ll garner more or less of added benefits. It’s complex, but also very well streamlined. Every Persona in the game belongs to a particular Arcana, so you actually have a lot of control over your team’s growth.

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Besides the bonds you forge, you can also improve your hero’s attributes such as Courage or Understanding. Your level of growth will determine certain choices you can make during dialogue, such as courageously telling that special someone you’re attracted to them, or explaining death to a child with compassion. Attributes are improved through a variety of methods, such as reading books, doing well in class, attending clubs and even taking on part time jobs. The longer you play, the more options open up, and it all makes for a very dynamic and addictive loop. Your time is pretty much yours to use as you see fit, though you’d do well to spend it constructively. Keep in mind that once you encounter the next major story arc, it’s best not to wait too long. Because if you don’t save victims of the mysterious culprit fast enough, it’s game over. But that’s only if you’re really dillydallying. Just remember, if you get a forecast of rainy weather for several days, you’d better be ready to save the day. As a result, I often would go dungeon crawling on sunny days just to get my feet wet and level up my characters a bit.

More P4G on Page 2 ->

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Speaking of leveling up, one of my favorite elements of Persona 4 Golden is the combat. It was definitely an inspiration for later games I’ve enjoyed such as Tokyo Mirage Sessions and Persona Q. Essentially, each dungeon is procedurally generated every time you enter it. That means the overall layout will be slightly different, though key events will occur at predetermined floors. For example, mini bosses have to be slain or keys to locked doors must be found. As you explore the dungeons, you might find something handy like a treasure chest, but more frequently you’ll encounter roving Shadows. Many appear like angry puddles of oil with grasping hands and theater masks, though on occasion you’ll find rare ones that look like scurrying hand monsters with comical faces. If you hit Shadows from behind, you’ll get advantage in battle and be able to attack first, but if they catch you off guard, they’ll instead get an uninterrupted turn to wallop you. Once battle is initiated, you select attacks for characters, at least if you like to directly command your team. I love controlling every aspect of my strategy, so I quickly turned off the auto battle tactics. Though if you’re feeling lazy, you can always let the game auto battle.

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Your goal is to hit foes with an attack they’re weak to. This could be a physical attack, status effect, or more frequently an elemental attack. Once you’ve discovered their weakness, it will be displayed via the Analyze command. When you hit a foe with their weakness, they’ll become downed. If you down every foe, then your team of heroic ruffians will rush them, doing significant damage. You might also trigger optional attacks from your allies if you’re friendly enough with them, even ones not in your immediate party. It’s really fun and dynamic, and the tides of battle can turn rapidly. Whenever you see red Shadows, get ready to run or muster your courage, cause those are the extra hard monsters. Perhaps not as hard as FOEs from Etrian Odyssey games, but no pushover either. If you do especially well in battle, you’ll get to play a mini game with Tarot cards to acquire various benefits, such as increased experience, money, ability cards and even new Persona. If you manage to grab every card, you’ll get a Sweep Bonus, which lets you pick more cards the next time. I love the combat, and the Tarot mini game made even the hardest battles a real treat. Simply because you know that if you went into battle with the right tactics and equipment, you’d be able to beat anything. Even the incredibly challenging bosses you’ll face in the game.

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Now, most of you are probably familiar with Persona 4 Golden already. As such, I want to spend a little time talking about how it plays on Steam. First things first, it’s really nice to play the game on a bigger screen. Everything just bursts with color, especially the animated sequences. I actually noticed minute details in the background that I completely missed the first time around. The music is also fantastic, and the voice acting has never been clearer. While you have your choice of Japanese or English audio, I am really happy with the talent from the English VA team. It’s great how they spur you on during battle, as well as bringing the story to life through their energetic conversations. Though I will say, it’s important to check your display settings. I’m far from experienced modifying settings for PC games, so it took me some time to tinker and get it where I wanted. Initially the display was set to 1280 x 720, while my screen is 1920 x 1080. As a result, the character models were deformed initially. Thankfully, once I adjusted it accordingly, the models had the normal proportions I remembered. Funny enough, the squash effect only applied to in-game models, not the animation or static art for character heads.

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As for the controls, you have a couple options for playing Persona 4 Golden on Steam. If you have an Xbox controller, you’re more than welcome to use one. I purchased a new one right after I received this version of the game, and it worked pretty effortlessly, with one proviso. I don’t like how the camera controls were set to airplane mode, AKA inverted. Though if you want, you can use the bumpers instead of the right joystick to slowly pan the camera. But, if you’re a dedicated PC gamer, you can also play Persona 4 Golden with keyboard and mouse. At first I was worried about this setup, but I actually really grew to appreciate it. Though the game doesn’t explain all the controls for keyboard / mouse, they’re pretty intuitive. You can use WASD to move, F to access shortcuts, Z for map, C to return, click to select options, press spacebar or enter to investigate things, and Tab to go to the menu and adjust settings. And quick note, though I didn’t rely on the shortcuts feature much on Vita, it was invaluable this time around. While gamepad is probably the best way to play, I often was too lazy to dig it out. In the 30 something hours I played the game, more than half was spent playing with keyboard and mouse.

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While I like a lot of how Persona 4 Golden played on Steam, there were some small hiccups. One is that the graphics blur a bit during character movement. Whenever they’re running or gesturing, it’s very noticeable. I checked, and that’s also the case on the Vita. It’s just much more noticeable on a bigger screen. Even though I tweaked the V Sync and other settings, I couldn’t get the blurriness to completely go away. Thankfully it was something I was able to ignore for the most part. Something I’m less forgiving about is a small glitch I encountered multiple times. I would load up the game after hours of playing it, and suddenly the display wasn’t how I had set it. I managed to fix it by quitting and restarting, but I’m a bit surprised it persisted. Hopefully that will be addressed soon. The biggest surprise for me was that there wasn’t any new content in this version of the game. Granted, it’s hard to improve near perfection, but I half hoped there was a new dungeon or something. Or even just a graphically improved port. But, it’s hard to complain when I’ve been having so much fun.

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Visually, the game holds up really well. Especially considering it’s a Vita port of a PS2 game. Though the character models are a little rough, I love the design of all the characters, Shadows and assorted NPCs. Take the creepy flair of “The Nose”, or the eye catching design of Teddie. Everything looks great, and that goes double for the animated sequences. On the topic of audio, it actually held up even better. The voice acting is sharp and clear, and the music is outstanding. Every track fits the action perfectly, and the dungeon music is especially entertaining. It keeps you motivated to keep playing and playing, which is good considering how long it’ll take to get the best ending.

It’s always hard improving on something like Persona 4 Golden. And while you can debate if this port succeeds, it’s still a joy to play Persona 4 Golden on Steam. Especially if you’ve always been interested but didn’t want to buy a Vita to play it. You can own the game for only $19.99 for the standard edition, or $24.99 for the deluxe with digital artbook and soundtrack, either of which is a bargain for 50+ hours of content. Put simply, the must own title for Vita owners is now a must own title for PC gamers. It’s a treat to cover this release, and I hold out hope there’s more on the way soon from the fine folks at Atlus and SEGA.

[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”4.5″]

Review Copy Provided by Publisher

REVIEW: Persona 4 Golden on Steam Title Persona 4 Golden

[autumn-beckett-blog]

The Misadventures of Freya Longbottom [Ch. 1]

Kings Cross Station is bustling with Muggles and Witches and Wizards alike, as is to be expected today. It is known to every Muggle here that it is 10:32 a.m. on September 1st, an oddly busy time of year for the station. What is unbeknownst to every Muggle is the reason, unless that Muggle has a particularly “different” child who has been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Some Wizards are inconspicuous to the Muggle eye as they phase magically through platforms nine and ten. Some, like the Weasleys, are much more… obvious. They seem to travel in a pack when they arrive (usually late). A pack of red-headed, knit-sweater wearing, boisterous folk who—to the Muggles—may have possibly escaped from an asylum for the mentally ill. Once they cross over to the Hogwarts Express Station, however, they are perfectly normal… well, mostly normal….

Okay, most of them are really weird still, but I don’t love them any less.

I wind quickly through passersby, my internal compass leading me directly and without much effort to platform nine and three-quarters. Before I can get the running start to go through the brick, I hear a familiar voice a short distance away.

“Freya! Freya, wait!” My dad, out of breath from the attempt to keep up with me, finally meets me at the platform.

“You know,” He huffs, “I like to get,” He puffs, “Your photo before,” He gives up trying to force the words and just readies his Muggle camera to take my picture, as he does every… bleeding… year.

As annoyed as I am, I turn around and fake a smile so he’ll leave me be once we cross through. There’s a click and a flash, and a little white-framed paper appears out of a slot in the device. His lips form into a mushy grin as he watches it slowly develop into my portrait.

Finally, we make it onto the side we both belong to.

I inhale the familiar smell of smoke from the steam engine, which evokes five whole years of memories and the same feeling of excitement I get at the start of each year—also similar to the excitement I feel when leaving Hogwarts for the holidays to spend Christmas with the Weasleys and Potters.

“Neville! Freya!” My reverie is broken, but I’m far from disappointed. I know that voice. I love that voice.

I look over to see Harry, who has just come through the platform. I see red-head after red-head filter in behind him, with a couple of dark-haired fellows bringing up the last of them.

I beam as the Potter and Weasley clans approach us. Not only am I happy to see the families (which feel like a part of my own), but I’m also more than thrilled for a relief of my dad. Though I do love him, it’s incredibly difficult being the daughter of a well-liked professor.

Rose rushes up to me, we share an identical look at each other, nod, and hurry off to claim our compartment. The “look” we share happens every year. It’s our unspoken way of saying, “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

Rose and I feel the same way about this “family fame” thing that never ceases to follow us around. She’s got it worse, of course, seeing as both her parents are part of the Golden Trio (as they are still called). My father—while not a Golden Trio member—was a loyal friend to them and did some pretty notoriously ballsy things himself during the war.

While I think Rose is more unfortunate, sometimes she argues that I am. She doesn’t have one of her parents teaching at Hogwarts, always attempting to keep an eye on her, always embarrassing her in class, Quidditch games, the Great Hall, hallways in general... you get the gist.

We load our luggage onto the racks above our compartment seats and collapse onto the cushions. We lay down on either booth and sigh at the exact same time, which then sends us into fits of giggles.

“Some things never change, do they?” I giggle.

She’s still laughing, “No, I suppose not!”

“When is your prefect meeting?”

Rose groans, “Half-eleven. I am so not looking forward to it. It’ll be the same nonsense as last year. And I’m absolutely dreading seeing who they’ve chosen for Head Boy and Girl. No one is cut out for it, if you ask me."

“You know you’ll be Head Girl next year.”

We both sit up. She shrugs, “Eh, probably.”

Our compartment door slides open. A long shadow makes its entrance before the person it belongs to. “Move over, Rosiiiiie!”

The tallest Potter throws himself down right beside Rose. He slings an arm over her shoulders, pulls her in, and ruffles her red waves. Rose screams and wriggles around in attempt to remove herself from her cousin’s grasp.

“JAMES!” She bellows, slapping and shoving him, but it’s all in vain. “James, is this really necessary every time you see me?! You did it this morning for Merlin’s sake!”

He’s beside himself, cackling like a hyena, his amber eyes gleaming madly like a mischievous child. “Tell me you love me and I’ll stop!”

“NO!”

“Say it!”

“Never!” Rose is laughing along now, which is a reaction most people can’t help when they’re around James Potter. “Freya, help!!!”

James shoots me a minacious glare. It’s all harmless fun, but I don’t dare cross him as that will secure me as his next target.

“Sorry, Rose,” I laugh, “You’re on your own with this one!”

“Oi, give it a rest, would ya?” Albus Potter walks in. He’s somewhat shorter than his older brother, but just as handsome. They look very similar, except Albus has light green eyes exactly like his father. He’s had a haircut since last year, I notice. It looks becoming on him.

James has always been a vivacious little prat, pulling pranks at any given chance, and not fearing the consequences. He’s also notorious for being over-protective of every single family member, but especially his little sister. Merlin help any soul daring enough to even blink at Lily Potter.

Albus is quite the opposite. Though he does love a good prank, he’s always been more methodical about it. James likes all the evidence to point to him, but Albus is much more cunning. He doesn’t like getting caught, so he comes up with sly, elaborate pranks so as to not draw attention to himself. He would prefer to sit back and smirk at the results instead of wasting his time in detention. He’s also a very calming presence, and undeniably suave, making him significantly popular with the ladies.

“Fiiiiine,” James finally releases Rose. She sits up indignantly, attempting to tame the rat’s nest that is now her hair.

“I like when your hair looks like mum’s when she was in her first year.” Hugo says as he enters and takes a seat beside me. James and Albus burst into laughter, and even I can’t help but snicker at the comment.

It’s true, when Rose’s hair goes unfixed, it looks just like the pictures we’ve seen of Hermione in her younger years. “Oh bugger off, all of you!” Rose huffs, pulls out her wands and casts a smoothing charm over the mess of curls. Immediately her hair goes back to the long, sleek, straightened look it had earlier. She tosses it over her shoulders in a pretentious manner and goes on acting like it’d never happened.

Rose hates to be embarrassed. If she answers a question wrong—which is rare, mind you—she will either beat herself up for it or recluse herself in books to find a loophole as to how she could, technically, be correct. If she is annoyed or teased, as she just was, she’ll pretend to forgive and forget, but all the while be plotting some type of revenge. However, her revenge is nearly always slight in comparison to what James or Albus would do. Rose doesn’t consider practical jokes a specialty of hers.

“Hugo, why did you leave me there alone?! With them, no less!” Lily rushes in, throws what luggage didn’t get put in the luggage car onto the above racks, and plops onto the seat beside Rose. She has her arms crossed over her chest and lower lip protruding in the classic Lily Potter Pout.

“With whom?!” Rose questions protectively, glaring daggers at Hugo. Though Lily is her cousin, she treated her very much like a younger sister.

Hugo smiles matter-of-factly, “Our parents.”

“And who else, Hugo! Tell her who else!” Lily has a weird thing she does when she’s mad. She never quite yells, but it comes out as more of an exasperated whimper with occasional raises in volume. I imagine she gets it from Ginny. It’s very dramatic, really.

Hugo lets out a bored sigh, “The Malfoys.”

As if on cue, Scorpius steps into the compartment doorway. “Mind if I join you?”

Lily’s face turns red and it looks like she’s suppressing a scream. She refuses to look anywhere else except out the window.

Scorpius Malfoy is painfully attractive. He’s tall and slim, yet muscular. His platinum blonde hair is swept back in a careless messy look, his blue-grey eyes always dancing with some exciting, secret story.

It’s no wonder Rose has a crush on him. She won’t admit that, of course. In fact, she usually covers it up with hatred and disgust. Ron Weasley would never allow a Malfoy into the family, anyway.

The one time I brought up her having feelings for him, I was practically cursed into oblivion—and no, not with her wand… with curse words I don’t think I’d ever heard before.

Albus scoots into me and I scoot into Hugo, a domino effect to make room for Scorpius. Scorpius gratefully joins his best friend in our compartment.

While Rose and Lily despise Scorpius, the rest of us enjoy his company. Ron always assumes he’s just as bad as his father, Draco, but we all beg to differ. The Potters even have him over at their house for the holidays, which sometimes carries over to the Weasley’s home, much to Ron’s dismay.

The train whistle blows deafeningly and we jerk into movement. For tradition sake—not because we want to—we wave at our families out the window. I wave at the Potters and Weasleys, as my dad has already boarded to be on his way too. Teachers usually go earlier than students to ready their courses, but Dad always goes a week earlier than them. That way, he gets to come back home a week before departure, go shopping with me, and be at the station when I board. Thankfully, he hasn’t come to find me… yet.

After the station is out of sight, we all settle again and talk animatedly together. Except Rose and I talk mostly to each other, Lily pouts, and Hugo observes. Scorpius, Albus, and James are all in a very heated debate about Quidditch. After Rose makes her exit for the Prefect meeting, I decide to go for a quick trip to the loo.

I’m halfway back to the compartment when something catches onto my foot. My ankle twists and clumsily, I crash-land onto the floor. I wince in pain, shifting carefully so I can hold my ankle. Shooting pains are piercing their way through my nerve endings and I can already feel my knee swelling where I’d bumped it in an attempt to catch myself.

“Fuck, Longbottom!” I don’t recognize the voice, but obviously the voice recognizes me.

Arms appear underneath mine. The veins on these arms ripple, proving they’re strong even before they hoist me up with surprising ease. Standing made blood rush down past my injured knee and turned ankle, causing it to throb with even more pain. One of my arms is forced around this person’s neck, and now I’m able to see who they are.

Oliver Wood (the Second) sends me a reassuring smile, “All right there?”

His smile is charming and a welcome distraction from the pain. “Not exactly the best I’ve been, but I’ll live.”

He laughs, honey-brown eyes crinkling. I notice the faint sprinkle of freckles over his nose.

A blush creeps up my neck and to my cheeks when I realize I’ve been staring at him—or rather, that we’ve been staring at each other.

He clears his throat, “Well, er, let’s get you back to your compartment, shall we?”

I half-limp, which sends excruciating pains into my leg every time my left foot touches the floor. He takes notice to my pained expression when it happens. “I could carry you, you know.”

“Then I would just look pathetic.”

“How so?”

“I’m not a damsel in distress, Wood.”

“And I’m not a knight in shining armour.” Before I can argue, he whisks me up into a cradling position. I gasp, too apoplectic to even spit out a, ’How dare you?!’

We get to the compartment much faster than it would take for me to limp there, so I suppose this one time I can forgive such tacky chivalry.

To my surprise, most everyone is asleep upon my arrival. The only one awake is Lily, obviously still stewing too much to sleep. She gasps dramatically when she sees my situation, but decides making a scene is, for once, not the best idea. Oliver places me in the seat that once was Rose’s and grabs a luggage from the above racks, positioning it under my leg to keep it elevated.

“I’ll be back,” He whispers, “I’ll go get someone.”

“Thank you.” I smile. He begins to walk out, but a sudden thought strikes me, “Wood!”

He turns back, “Yes?”

“Just whatever you do… don’t get my dad.”

He doesn’t argue, only nods, salutes bravely and marches (yes, literally marches) down the hall.

He was right, he’s not a knight in shining armour. He’s an idiot in Hogwarts robes. A charming idiot, at that. Another blush colours in my cheeks at the thought.