blazeflappybirdrants - Tumblr blog

[blazeflappybirdrants]

there is always someone better then me…sometimes even something haha what’s the point anymore

[blazeflappybirdrants]

20/08/24

How does she not know what my love language is? We've been together for almost 2 years. I might not know my own, but when she didn't know hers I knew hers.

[blazeflappybirdrants]

19/08/2024

I wish I could be someone's somebody. I know I have a girlfriend and she's amazing, but I know I'm not really first. Because family comes first, and she's made it clear I'm not her family. She loves me as much, I know and it should be enough, but I just want to be someone's number one priority. Because I don't feel like I have that. Then I feel selfish and hypocritical because I dont have that personally. But how much of that is because I feel like I'm always second and below?

Idk, I just want to be family with people not because of blood, and for the people even close to feeling that way to like... idk. Talk with me irl I guess. But I know deep down I don't deserve it, and people will tell me otherwise because they love me, but I don't think they'd think that I don't deserve to feel this way if they were in my head.

[blazeflappybirdrants]

04/08/2024

I'm lonely. I miss my friends, mutuals who I consider friends. I miss when they send me asks and reblog my things. I miss my irl friends. I know I'm wanted there so I don't know why I feel left out.

I'm not going to kill myself, but I hope people will advocate for me. If I were to die, I want my friends from everywhere to advocate to put the right name on my gravestone, if I choose to have one.

Please, remember me history. Please know me for who I am, not who some people pretend I am. Know me by my name and my actions, not my past.

[blazeflappybirdrants]

15/07/2024

Why does everyone I love the most in the world hate themselves. Why do they wish I didn't care for them. Why am I never enough for them to know they're people worth loving. They trust my judgement until its them and I just wish they would love themselves even a slither of how much I loved them.

[blazeflappybirdrants]

7/7/24

Its been three days since I broke my tooth, technically less, but my mum and brother are already annoyed at me for being sensitive about things that its affecting. The only person who hasn't got mad that I cried when my brother made fun of the way I eat soup now and then refused to eat with people in the room was my dad, and I got the first proper hug from him since I dont even know how long. And I'm so so grateful but at the same time its bittersweet because he's so transphobic and I cant help but feel like if I actually advocated for myself with my gender that he'd never have done that. I hate that I love my parents so much because I'm always desperately hoping they'll change but they dont the way I need them to.

Also my girlfriend hasn't messaged me all day and whilst I know its probably because she got banned from her phone I cant help but be upset because I've been lonely all day. And because she promised she'd be on in the morning after just snapping one of her suicidal episodes where she doesnt actively try to kill herself but talks about it and talks about how she hates herself and doesnt care and I feel so upset and sick and angry and worried and I hate it. Thankfully she snapped out of it and promised to keep trying with The List (a list of things to do to help) but its such a struggle and I hate that I have to always comfort her when I need her to comfort me. I hate that when my tooth is broken and I'm sobbing everyday (I'm not a crier so that shows how bad I feel rn) she's the one who we both accidently go to prioritise. Because ideally we both want to focus on me but I cant help but comfort her and she cant help the fact that she's spiralling.

I just feel lonely and awful and I want my lip to stop hurting and for my teeth to not be broken or at the very least not get an infection and stay on and let me have it back because I hate hate hate hate this so much. And the only person who's making me feel properly comforted right now is my Dad. Not even my friends are checking in on me regularly, though I guess its my fault for being Mr Positive and Sunshine all the time, even with this. But it was the adreneline to begin with, and then it was me not wanting to bother anyone. I dont really have any close friends for that and it makes me feel even lonlier. I'm just so alone.

[blazeflappybirdrants]

Main blog @mrblazeflappybird

Made this to talk about stuff because I'm struggling mentally for the first time in a good few years