#but kid also looked at a murder knife man and said i HAVE to marry him

[creepypasta-archive]

Jeff the Killer (what came after)

by Misbegotten Misfit

Another recovered story from fanfiction.net. The title is not the original one (it was just "Jeff the Killer")

Some interestinG attempt to continue where the OG story stopped, giving extra development to Jeff and layering some conflict into his origins and conversion. Worth adding to your lore if you so care about it

CW// blood, murder, eyelid mutilation mention, bladeplay, impalement, panic attack

Click below to read the original unedited story

Author: Not a real chapter guys... Just some info and stuff.

Case File Information: Jeff The Killer

Full Name: Jeffery Alan Woods Gender: Male Nick Names: Jeff, Jeffy, Jeff The Killer Age: 13 years Height: 5''6' Birthday: June 2nd Zodiac Sign: Gemini Ethnicity: Caucasian Species: Homo Sapien Favorite Color(s): Crimson Mentor: Slenderman Mother: Margaret (deceased) Father: Peter (deceased) Sibling(s): Liu ? Woods (deceased) Personality: Humorous, playful, can be very mentally unstable at times, but is very protective, shy Phobias: n/a Weapon Choice: His kitchen knife Short Bio: Jeffery started off as a normal kid with two parents and a brother. His father got a promotion so the family moved to a different neighborhood. On his first day of school there he and his brother were attacked by a group of kids and Jeff beat them up, feeling excited and happy the rest of the day for what he'd done. Unfortunately the police came because the fight had been reported and Liu took the blame and went to prison. Later Jeff and his parents attended the birthday party of their neighbor's kid. Jeff went begrudgingly. While there he was once again attacked by the group of kids from before, but this time they had guns. He fought them again, but this time his sanity snapped for good and he killed the kids. In the process he was covered in bleach and set on fire, landing him in the hospital. Liu was released from prison and the family was there when Jeff got out of the hospital. The bleach had made his face pure white and his lips red. The doctor let Jeff go, not realizing the boy went insane and that night Jeff cut his lips into a permanent smile and burnt off his eyelids. His mother saw this and when to tell his father. Jeff followed her and killed them both then killed his brother after telling him to, "Go to sleep". Disabilities: He has no eyelids, so a number of problems could arise from that.

Addictions: murder

Married: No In a Relationship: No Crush: n/a

Author: Ok. Here's the actually story.

At 4:30 in the morning the police received a call about loud screams coming from a house near the caller. These screams seemed to have frightened the woman, but she had gone over to see if everything was alright, but nobody had answered the door. The police had been getting more calls that neighborhood in the last months, and they were getting tired of it. The police officer, Kathryn Avery, told the woman to remain calm and they would send officers to the home to investigate.

At 5:00 the officers got there and knocked on the front door. Nobody answered, so they kicked it in. The two officers that responded to the call made their way through the house. They began upstairs, each one checking a different room. The first room was empty, probably the guest room. Avery checked the next room but gasped and stumbled back when she saw the gruesome scene. Two people, a man and a woman, most likely husband and wife, lay on the floor, dead. The woman had a stab wound in her chest, leaking blood all over the ground, into her hair, and staining her nightgown. The man also appeared to have been brutally murdered. She backs out of the room slowly and turns to her partner, William Martin, and said, "Martin, I think I got something."

Officer Martin nodded and replied, "Yeah… Me too."

Avery went to see what her partner meant. Her hand shot to her mouth and her eyes went wide when she looked through the door. A teenage boy lay completely still in his bed, his sheets tangled around him and his eyes closed. The boy had a stab wound through his heart and was lying in a pool of his own blood. The sheets were drenched in the stuff and crimson dripped off the fingers that hung over the side of the bed, a puddle forming on the floor. The officers regretted not getting there more quickly.

Avery shook herself and said, "I'm going to call for back up, you see if there's anybody else in the house."

Martin nodded and headed downstairs. The other rooms were clear. No blood, nothing out of place. Avery caught up with him when he got to the living room. Peering through the doorway, he saw a body lying on the couch. Its chest rose and fell softly with each breath. Martin quickly got back and readied his gun, "I think that may be the killer."

Avery got hers out as well, and the two cautiously entered the room, guns aimed at the small figure. Avery arched an eyebrow, creeping closer. She gestured to him to lower his weapon, putting her own down. She looked back at Martin and explained, "It's just a kid."

Martin gets closer to the body and says, "Well, he's alive at least… but god, what happened to him?"

A black sleeping mask covered the teen's eyes, but the rest of his face was clearly visible. His skin was pure white, which was a contrast to the black mid-length hair that hung from his head and the crimson lips. The boy's mouth, Martin noticed, had cuts extending from the corners of his lips up into a permanent smile that was still slightly bleeding. His white hoodie was stained in blood. Martin moved the kid's hair out of the way to get a better look at the cuts, and this caused him to stir. Martin jumped back and Avery shushed him. She kneeled down to look the boy's level and said in a soft tone, "Hey… Are you awake?"

The child propped himself up on his elbow and used his other hand to lift part of the mask up, revealing his left eye. Avery's eyes widened, but she did not gasp. She must keep her composure in front of civilians. The eye that looked back at her was open wide, like he was startled, and rimmed in black. The iris itself was a pale blue color, nearly white. He looked at her and asked, "What happened?"

Sirens wailed outside and blue and red lights could be seen through the window. The backup had arrived. Martin said, "I'm gonna go tell them what's going on and see if we can't get a medic in here."

Avery nodded and turned back to the confused teen and said, "Everything's going to be alright."

A team of ambulances was called and arrived on the scene as the police put up caution tape around the perimeter of the yard. The team of paramedics that was already there was examining the one living person that was left in the house. Avery stood next to him as the boy sat on a stretcher that was next to the ambulance. The nurse shook her head and Avery asked her what was wrong.

She replied by saying, "This poor kid… His eyelids were burnt off."

The kid looked from the paramedic to the police officer, obviously not understanding what was going on.

"Does he remember anything?" Avery inquired.

The nurse shook her head, "No. Not a thing."

"You should get him to the hospital. Treat those wounds."

Avery walked away as they got the boy in the ambulance and sped off to the hospital. She approached a few officers looking over files and papers and asked, "So what do we have?"

One of them handed her a paper and said, "It was a family: Margaret, Peter, and their two sons, Jeffery and Liu. They moved here not too long ago when the father got a promotion. The older of the two boys, Liu, went to juvenile detention for attacking a group of kids, but it was later found out that he was innocent. The kids that made the report were the attackers and went after the younger brother when the family went to their neighbor's birthday party."

Another of the cops chimed in, "Yeah. The little psychos stormed in with guns and knives and attacked the guy. Some of the brats were killed in the fight. The poor kid they attacked they ended up setting on fire and landing him in the hospital."

The first one nodded and added, "That kid's been through a lot. I'm surprised he managed to survive that ordeal, let alone this one. I wonder why the murderer killed the rest of the family but let him live…"

At the hospital Jeff sat in the room they assigned him. It was the same room he was in yesterday. It felt like ages ago. He sat there, staring blankly at the wall. Yes, his body was present, but his mind was someplace else. It was there, trying to remember what happened last night. Everything remained blurred no matter how much he tried to remember. The blurred figures of his family and red everywhere was all he could see.

A woman knocked on the door frame, shaking him from his thoughts. He turned to look at the invader and saw it was the officer from his home, Avery. She took a cautious step into the room and said, "Jeffery?"

"Jeff." He said in response.

She nodded and continued, "Jeff. I'm sure you know by now that your family…"

Her voice trailed off and she took a seat in the chair near his bed. Before continuing she laced her finger and rested her chin on them, "… your family, they're dead, Jeff. That means they're not coming back. You understand that, don't you?"

Jeff nodded, "yeah…"

Avery became sad at the look on his face, but she kept explaining, "You can't go back home anymore… We have to find you a new home… Is that ok?"

Jeff paused for a long time, thinking things over. Finally he nodded. Avery told him child services would take him to a foster home tomorrow and she wished him luck before leaving.

Sure enough, a man came from child services the next day. He wore a suit and tie, typical of professional people that want to look important. He stood outside Jeff's room talking to the doctors for about a half hour and remained outside the door for another few minutes, looking at the marred boy and studying him, before entering. Jeff knew he was there, but wasn't all too interested in him, so he'd continued absently staring at the wall until the social worker entered. Even then Jeff glanced at him for a moment then went back to what he was doing. The social worker, for his part, put on a smile when he came in the room and sat on the chair near the bed. He set his briefcase down on his lap and spoke in a tone that would be perceived as happy, "Hello, Jeffery! It's nice to meet you! I'm Mr. Johnson and I'll be your social worker."

He waited for Jeff to respond and when he didn't Johnson turned to face the wall as well and said, "That wall is lovely."

At this Jeff looked over at the man, only turning his head slightly. Johnson smiled back at him and said, "Hello, Jeffery."

Jeff looked down at his hands and said, his voice barely a whisper, "Jeff."

"What was that?" Johnson asked.

"Most people call me Jeff." He said again, a little more loudly.

The man smiled, "Well, Jeff, I'm Mr. Johnson. I'll be taking you to your new home today!"

"Do we have to go?"

"Of course! I'll be fine, don't worry."

Johnson stood up and walked to the door. He told Jeff, "A nurse will bring your clothes by and we'll be on our way."

Fifteen minutes later Jeff was dressed in the same black pants and white hoodie, now once again cleaned of blood, he had entered the hospital wearing and he was seated in the back of Johnson's car. They were only just pulling out of the parking lot as Jeff watched the strange case worker punch in coordinates on the car's GPS navigation. It said the place they were headed was two towns over. Most of the car ride passed in silence, with Jeff staring out the window at passing scenery. He watched the rows of houses and businesses morph into countryside and fields then into looming skyscrapers. At one point Johnson asked if Jeff was hungry and he said yes, so they stopped at a Casey's and picked up a few things to eat before heading out again. Johnson was surprised at how quiet Jeff was and how shy he seemed.

They finally arrived at a large house on the edge of a small town and pulled into the driveway. The GPS indicated that they had reached their destination. Johnson looked back at Jeff and said, "It's ok. They're a really nice couple that has been taking foster kids for years. I'm sure you'll get along just fine."

Jeff looked at Johnson, not completely sure if he believed him or not, but slipped out of the car when the man did and followed him to the front door. As they stood there waiting for the couple to answer Jeff caught his reflection in the glass. He stared at it sadly wondering what they would think. 'What happened to me?' he asked himself, but no answer was presented by his mind. At that moment he got a feeling, one that was all too familiar. It was the same way he felt when he beat up Randy and his goons, but this time he felt like lashing out at himself. Jeff shook his head, trying not to think about it.

After what seemed like ages to Jeff, but in actuality was only a few minutes, a woman answered the door. She smiled softly at them and said, "Come in."

This woman was friendly and led them to the large living room. Her hair was a dish-water blond and was beginning to grey. In the room a man sat in a chair by the couch. He was well tall and lean; his hair was black with hints of grey and he was reading a news paper. When the two guests entered the room he put the paper down and the woman took a seat in another chair, gesturing to the two to sit on the couch. The man looked the boy in his living room up and down, studying him. His eyes eventually settled on the teen's and he said, "You wearin' makeup, boy? You know, eyeliner's for girls."

The man's tone wasn't rude, just curious. Jeff rubbed his arm and stared down at the floor. He spoke in a voice that was just barely audible, "Um… no. It's kinda… permanent…"

Johnson put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and led him over to the couch. They sat down and his case worker began explaining. Jeff hugged his knees and tried not to focus on the conversation. He didn't want to hear about his family again. The couple looked at Jeff sadly while listening to what Johnson had to say. The man felt bad about his question after hearing about the boy's condition.

"Jeff?"

He looked up at the woman. She continued, "My name's Ellen, and this is my husband, Carl. I'm very sorry about what happened. You're welcome to stay here as long as you'd like."

Jeff nodded and said, "Thank you."

Johnson left and Ellen showed him to his new room. For the next couple days things were very quiet. Jeff hardly left his room. When he did he'd never be gone for very long and never went outside. On the third day of him staying there Ellen and Carl took him to the store in town because all he had was the outfit he came in. They bought him some jeans, some t-shirts, and a few hoodies. People looked at him oddly while he was in town. Some people just assumed he was an emo kid, but others wondered what happened to him. He turned started down at his feet and pretended not to notice, all the while feeling their eyes on him. That feeling came back again, burning inside of him. He tried to ignore it, but it seemed to be getting stronger.

When they got back to the house he stayed inside. That feeling always stayed at the back of his mind.

It was another week of quiet. Every night Jeff had terrifying dreams of himself murdering his own family and would wake up in a cold sweat, crying. It was a Saturday night when he woke up around midnight. That feeling was there and it was strong. His body felt weak after his nightmare. Slowly, Jeff made his way to the bathroom. When he got there he threw up, a bitter taste left in his mouth afterward. He washed out his mouth over the sink and looked up at himself in the mirror. He ran his hand along the cuts on his face and a stream of tears began to fall from his eyes. Suddenly and image flashed through his mind, a scene.

He was in his bathroom at home, blood all over the place and a knife in his hands. Jeff used the knife that he got from his kitchen to cut lines into his cheeks, making it look as though he had a permanent smile. His mother opened the bathroom door and…

This scene startled him and he step back, running into the wall and falling to a sitting position on the ground. The small shelf on the wall shook with the impact on the wall and various plastic bottles fell to the floor. Surprisingly none of them came open. This, though, reminded Jeff of the fight with Randy and his friends, when they were in the bathroom and the bleach fell on them.

He hurriedly stood up on shaky legs and left the room. The feeling he had grew inside him as he began to remember what had happened the night he came home from the hospital. He walked down the hall, leaning on the wall for support. Another flashback hit him and Jeff fell to his hands and knees on the soft carpet.

"Aren't I beautiful, Mommy?" he asked his mother.

Her face showed her fear as she looked at her son who had gone mad. She nodded slowly, beginning to back out of the room and said, "Y-Yes, son. J-Just let me g-go get Daddy… So he can s-see your face…"

She continued to slowly back out of the room until she was out of view, then she began running to wake her husband. Jeff followed her and heard her say as he reached the doorway of his parent's room, "Honey, wake up! Get the gun! We-"

She had lied to him. She hadn't meant what she said at all. The feeling became overpowering and he said, "You lied, Mommy." Before lunging at her with the knife he'd brought with him, killing her. Out of anger he killed his father as well. If she had been lying then Daddy could have been lying to him all along too. What about Liu…? He crept into his brother's room and saw him asleep. For moment he stared at him, sleeping peacefully in his bed. He had no idea what had happened or what was about to happen. The feeling subsided in that moment…

Liu wasn't his enemy, he was his brother. Liu opened his eyes slowly and looked at Jeff. His eyes widened. Just like that the feeling took over again and Jeff put his hand over Liu's mouth and pressed the blade to his chest. Liu thrashed and fought, but it was no use. Jeff spoke only three words, "Go to sleep."

Jeff picked himself up off the floor, shaking. He took in a few deep, ragged, shuttering breathes and leaned against the wall. The feeling burned inside him, making his stomach turn over and his insides hurt. He leaned there for a moment before returning to his room. When he got there he changed into his black pants and white hoodie, all the while struggling in his mind to keep his grip on reality. Now that his memories were free his madness was beginning to take over once more and he needed to get out of there before he hurt somebody. He didn't bother packing anything as he slipped downstairs to the kitchen. He stopped. The knives sat in their holder on the kitchen counter. He walked toward them and stared at them, fighting with himself as to what to do. Part of him wanted to run away from the house and the nice couple that lived there to keep them safe from… from him. The other part wanted nothing more than to take these knives and shove them into Ellen and Carl's hearts and twist them until the beating stopped.

He extended his hand out to the knives and ran his fingers along the handles. Jeff carefully pulled one from its sheath, observing the way it shined in the moonlight that filtered through the kitchen window. Then he heard footsteps upstairs and a feminine voice call out, "Jeff? Sweetie, are you alright?"

He lowered the knife to his side and stood there a moment, thinking about what to do. The urge to kill the kind lady was becoming unbearable. The footsteps got closer and the last remaining sane part of his mind won out over the madness. He pocketed the knife and bolted out the kitchen door.

Jeff continued to run until he got to the town. That sane part of his mind that had made him run was eaten alive by the feeling. He hid in an alley and waited for somebody to walk by. The town was small, so less people were out at than in the city. Eventually a young couple walked by, chatting about something when the saw Jeff sitting against the brick wall in the alley. The guy, followed by his girlfriend, walked over to him and asked, "You ok, man?"

Jeff let out an insane laugh and said, "Yeah, I'm alright, but it's late. Don't you think it's about time you… GO TO SLEEP?"

The guy took a step back as Jeff stood and pulled the knife out of his pocket. His girlfriend stood ducking behind him, scared. They backed up slowly as Jeff advanced and were about to turn and run when he swung the knife, cutting the guy's throat. Blood sprayed all over him, the walls and the ground, creating a gruesome masterpiece. It wasn't finished yet though. The boyfriend fell backward, pinning the girl under him. She flailed and kicked and began to cry. Jeff step up to her and she tried throwing the rocks on the ground at him, but missed with every throw. He plunged his knife downward, stabbing her in the head, small flecks of her blood splattering onto his face.

He put the weapon back in his pocket and licked the blood off his fingers. He let out a quiet, deep laugh that soon rang out through the night, sounding psychotic and maniacal. Jeff took the money they had on them and the girl's cell phone.

He walked down the street away from the scene, using the phone to call a cab. Ten minutes later the taxi arrived and he climbed in the back seat. The guy looked back at him and said, "Whoa. Looks like you were in one heck of a fight!"

Jeff laughed softly and said, "Yes. It does, doesn't it?"

[creamiceandsugar]

im in Love with their competitive little brains

[jiyansthesis]

WILLIAM ☆ AFTON sfw headcannons

I have a love-hate relationship with this man and these headcannons smh

reader is of age

canon william, non murderer au, milf reader

canon / murderer william

☆ you caught his eye as soon as you came in on your first day of work

☆ he'd immediately get to know you, making small talk whenever the two of you bump into each other

☆ he'd be obsessed, especially if you're shy

☆ you were always wary of the pizzeria, especially after the last one got closed down for the kids going missing, but william always brushed of your worries. besides, they were all kids

☆ honestly he'd be obsessed enough to kill you and stuff you in your own suit

☆ he might even take you out on some dates after a while to some fancy restaurants

☆ he loves seeing you in his favorite color

☆ (let's say for the sake of this, william directly killed another kid at circus baby's before elizabeth's death) you were walking past the back rooms, and you stopped as soon as you heard a muffled scream

☆ you opened the door, and there was william, all in his bloody glory

☆ this could go multiple ways:

☆ one, you scream and try to run away, only for william to catch up, shaking his head like he's disappointed. he slipped his hand across your mouth and held the knife up for you to see. "I'm sorry about this, love."

☆ two, you stay there in shock, looking up at william with huge disbelieving eyes. "oh, y/n, you weren't supposed to see this," he started to slowly walk over to you.

☆ you kept staring at him, until your eyes drifted over the knife in his hand. "I won't tell anyone mr.afton! I swear!" you held your hands up, trembling.

☆ he seemed to think about this for a moment, before shrugging. "that's a risk i can't take."

☆ three, you're smart, and you slowly close the door and run away. but not without william hearing your hurried footsteps. he groans, quickly cleaning himself and hiding the kid's body before following you.

☆ he decided he'd wait to see what you'd do, considering the fact he's hidden all evidence. he didn't want to kill you anyways.

☆ two days passed, and no one came for william, although the police did come looking for the kid.

☆ you kept giving william glances, but you hadn't said a word to him. until he calls you into his office.

☆ "so tell me, why didn't you tell the police?"

non murderer william

☆ loves tea but also loves black coffee

☆ he has those slightly lean arms, he obviously isn't ripped

☆ notices a lot about what makes you blush or embarrassed and constantly does it

☆ like if you like when he rolls his sleeves up, he'll roll them up while staring right into your eyes

☆ he'll introduce you to his kids, and you'd have a really good friendship with michael

☆ divorced and probably still doesn't have the greatest relationship with michael

☆ he'd praise you a whole lot

☆ would ask you out in the parking lot before you leave work (and he'd be smooth with it)

milf reader

☆ when he first saw you he knew he was gonna marry you

☆ you two probably met while he was picking evan up from school

☆ when he found out you were divorced he immediately asked for your number

☆ you would probably talk together on his couch with wine every other night

☆ you bring your kids to the pizzeria just to talk to him while he's at work

☆ you offer to babysit his kids whenever he has to stay at work overnight

☆ when he comes back to you sleeping on the love seat he drapes a blanket over you and smiles a little bit

☆ offers to take you to a restaurant to repay for babysitting since you wouldn't accept his money

☆ spoils you on your birthday

☆ his kids LOVE you and your kids

☆ michael occasionally jokes to you about you marrying william and then proceeds to roast the fuck out of him

☆ you blush everytime and shake your head

☆ william eventually asks you to go out with him and you agree

☆ already planning the other kids you guys are gonna have

[luvvbitten]

Not the ideal first date

Luke Alvez x reader

Requested? Yes/no

Word count: 914

Warnings: light mentions of a knife, rest is fluff ;D

Matt Simmons try’s to play Cupid by tricking you and Luke into babysitting his kids together. Call it a win-win situation

You could hear the commotion coming from the other side of the door. Matt scurrying to get his things and Kristy yelling for the kids to behave before she appeared in the doorway. She wore a navy dress that complimented her ginger hair. It was a miracle that she got this far without a stain.

“Y/n, hey! - she said with a gracious smile - I can’t thank you enough for watching the kids. Matt and I have been pushing date night back for the longest time.” The women said looking over her shoulder, Matt now only a few feet behind her.

You could hear him mumble something, but his words were just out of earshot. Whatever he had said made the children erupt in giggles. The tall man swiftly got up from his crouched position, not before he ruffled David’s hair. The small boy quickly patted it back down.

The couple thanked you once more before heading out the door.

“Alright! Last time I promised you four we would paint, so guess what I brought!”. You pulled four 5x7 canvases out of your bag, which also had paint and brushes messily thrown in the mix. Their eyes lit up with joy, the two youngest, Lily and Chloe, clapping in victory. You sat them around the dining room table, paper tablecloth coving in case anyone spilled anything. You’d have to intervene a few times when one would attempt to consume the non-toxic liquid.

Around 20 minutes had passed when there was a knock on the door. It caught everyone’s attention. It had only been 8:00 o’clock, Matt and Kristy weren’t meant to be home until 9:30. Being in the fbi had given you many useful skills, but it also made you extremely cautious in certain situations. Especially when children were present. You shushed the 4 wide-eyed youngsters. Careful not to make any loud noises as you snuck into the kitchen, grabbing a steak knife from one of the drawers. There was another knock, but it was more of a banging this time. Your heart raced as you made your way to the door, knuckles turning white from the grip on the knife handle. You’d be damned if they thought they could get in this house without a fight.

The knife had been brought up to the man’s, now shocked, face as you opened the door. Your brain scrambling to process who was infront of you.

“Luke?!”

The name rang throughout the house. Causing the children to come running with Jake in the lead. He laughed as he watched your face turn from frightened, to surprised, and then confusion. The makeshift weapon was now lowered at your side, kids shuffling past you to hug the brown eyed man. Urging him to come to the dining room to show off the paintings. Your heart rate soon returned to normal, and the fight response died down.

“Did I scare you?” He chuckled. “Yeah, I thought I was the one watching these balls of energy. I assumed you were an intruder! What was I meant to do?! Let you in unarmed??” It was a rhetorical question. But for some reason your statement puzzled him. “Wait I thought I was the one babysitting… - his lips grew into a smirk when it hit him - Matt set us up.”

It was no secret Simmons shipped you two- hell the whole team did! Alvez’s flirty remarks and gestures would help either. It was a running joke that you two bickered like an old married couple. But no one actually expected someone to do something to push it. This was Matt’s attempt at playing Cupid; and so far his attempt almost got Luke killed and you charged with murder.

The rest of the job went smoothly. The little ones were successfully put to bed near the end of the night. Leaving you and Luke crashing down onto the couch with a sigh. “Tonight went well, besides you know- the whole knife to my throat thing”. You giggled, “yeah sorry about that. Maybe make your presence known next time.” You said looking over to him. Noticing features you usually paid no mind to. Like how his eyes would crinkle when he smiled, indicating that it was real. How soft his lips appeared to be.

“Like what you see?” He remarked in his usual flirtatious tone. A red pigment tainted your cheeks. It was painfully obvious that you had some sort of attraction to him. He would take note of that too. God you hate profilers, even though you were one.

“Oh give me a break Alvez”

The Hispanic continued to watch your movements and expressions until Kristy and Matt arrived. Trying to decide if he should ask you out or not. Thankfully confidence overtook doubt.

“Y/n wait up, I gotta question.” The man jogged over to you, resting his hand on the door of your car. “I was wondering if you’d let me take you out sometime? And I know it’s probably weird to ask you in our friends driveway but-” his body cut him off when you cupped his cheeks with both of your hands. Instantly melting into your touch. “Yes, Luke Alvez. I’d love that.” A smile washed over the two of you. Luke letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding onto.

“Really?! Uh- cool. - he was giddy with anticipation - because this, this was not the ideal first date”

“I agree, but I’m still glad it happened”

———

[mitsuyascumsock]

The reaction of Yandere Hanma, Ran, Rindou, Sanzu and Shion upon seeing their y/n dead.

I don't really vibe with Shion I'm so sorry. Maybe I'll add a pt 2 once we get to know him a bit better? Also yeah I kinda left out the yandere part because I felt like it would be the same either way-

Yandere! Tokyo Revengers boys finding out you died

Characters: Hanma, Ran, Rindou, Sanzu

CW: death, angst, murder, blood, gore, drugs, overdose

Hanma

You were supposed to be home by now

He was waiting for hours. He brought home your favorite meal

The one you always annoy him for

He fuigered you deserved it for being so understanding with him lately

But you were supposed to be home.

He texted you a few times, asking if you were okay

No answer.

. . .

He waited.

He waited hours.

Why weren't you answering?

A horrible feeling bubbled in his gut.

Where were you?

He immediately ran out into the streets, going to the park you always took walks in

The park you told him your future kids would play in.

The park that was supposed to hold fond memories for both of you

The park where he saw you.

His body carried him as far as it could, straight to wear he saw the blond man sitting. "Kisaki." He huffed, knowing they were no longer on good terms. This was no longer the man who entertained him, no. This was the Kisaki who was a seasoned criminal. "Where are they?"

He didn't say anything, only passing Hanma his gun before walking away calmly. Your lover examined it closely, putting the safety on before checking the cartridge.

No bullets.

He looked down at the ground, seeing a small trail of blood that led into a bush. Horror filled his face as he searched, finally pulling your cold body out once he felt ready. His tears split onto your body as he kissed your face repeatedly, mumbling to you how much he loves you. "I'll get him.. I'll bring you back, baby. We still need our kids to play here, right? Right?"

Ran

He didn't see you.

That means it's his fault, right?

You followed him to a fight because Rindou said it was dangerous.

You only wanted a kiss before he left

So you followed him. He always asked for a kiss for "good luck", but he didn't ask today.

You were worried

So fucking worried.

What if your Ran died?

Unfortunately for you, a member Bonten had other ideas

They needed to protect Ran at all costs.

They saw you heading straight for Ran, what else were they supposed to do?

A loud scream interrupted Ran's small conversation with his brother, making him look over at you. ". . . (Y/n)?"

You were on the floor, gasping for air with a knife sticking out of your chest. Disgust filled his face as he ran towards you, not picking you up so that he wouldn't make the pain worse. As he leaned over you, one of your hands lazily held onto the side of his face. You were cold, so cold. "I love you, so please-" he was almost begging, lips pressed to your cheek as he spoke to you. "Please stay strong, dear."

"I love y..you too.. I came to gi..ve you your kiss.." you choked out, letting out a small laugh before coughing up blood onto his face accidentally. He didn't even seem to notice, he was too worried about you.

"As soon as you get out if the hospital.. will you marry me, my love?" . . . "(Y/n)?" . . . "Heh.. guess not, huh?" He finally broke down, letting his tears fall.

Rindou

He wasn't thinking

You were safe, weren't you?

You were still on the back of his motorcycle

He knew you were

Didn't he?

He could feel your body against his

The heat quickly leaving

He just wanted to take you for a ride

That's all he wanted.

So why did he hear a gunshot?

He kept driving. He kept going until there was at his and Rans door, stopping in the driveway and staring at the wall for a new minutes.

Someone tried to take his life.

Someone tried to take his life and you got in the way. You were still there, stuck holding on to your boyfriend. His cleared his throat before lifting you up, acting as if you were simply asleep. He took you into the house and layed you down on the couch, the same spot you usually sit when you go over. His lips traveled all over your face, trying to find any warmth left inside of you. As his hands carefully searched your body for the wound, he noticed only one.

Right through the heart.

His love was gone, and he didn't know what else to do.

Sanzu

He just wanted to to try it with him

Some new pill he was hooked on, insisting it was even better than MDMA.

He thought you looked so cute as your pupils blew out

So cute, Infact, that he wanted to give you more pills

Opioids.

He loved how cute you looked when you took them, so brain-dead and loose

He slipped it into your drink

He couldn't remember how many tablets

7? 9?

You both felt so at peace as you fell asleep, drug induced euphoria hiding the pain inside your body

He woke up hours later, still holding you in his warm arms. As he layed kisses on your shoulders, he expected you to wake up.

He flipped you over, hoping to steal some kisses from you.

Blue.

Your lips were blue. More blue than anything he'd ever seen before.

And he hated it.

The more he looked, the worse it got. Your fingers were blue too. He forced your eyes open only to see them glazed over. You weren't breathing and your body was freezing cold.

He couldn't accept it. You were still sleeping, right?

He forced more pills into your mouth, insisting that you'd wake up.

You had to.

He didn't have anyone else, you had to wake up.

Blue was his least favorite color. It's the same one you wore at your funeral, after all.

[mandoalorian]

No Body, No Crime [Dave York x F!Reader]

Summary: When Dave York’s wife expresses her suspicion of him having an affair, you agree to help her gather the evidence to confront him. You believe that if you can prove his infidelity, their marriage will fall apart and you might actually stand a chance with him. But when you follow him out one night, you make a shocking discovery.

Warnings: SMUT, m receiving oral, f masturbation, choking, infidelity, murder

Rating: 18+

Word count: 3000>

Author’s Note: Please consider this my official application of entry to the Dave York pit. This one is quite intense. I’ve never written a thriller type fic before, so I hope it’s okay! 

Masterlist

He had to have been cheating. There was no other excuse for sneaking out so late at night, and not returning until the early hours of the morning. His actions radiated infidelity. The only answer was that he was having an affair.

Dave York was the typical suburban dad living the perfect life with the perfect wife and two happy daughters. You would know as you were the York’s housemaid, and had the privilege of living with them. As an insider, it also meant you were a pair of extra spying eyes. And you watched Dave, a lot. It was only a matter of time before Carol caught on and realised something was up. So when she came to you one morning after Dave had set off to work, and the girls were at school, you could already sense her concerns.

If you recalled correctly, it was the fourth time this week he’d snuck out. You remembered last night, sitting by the attic window and watching him drive off into the distance. There was something about it that got you all riled up. You were ashamed to admit it -- but you were more than attracted to Mr. York. Once he was no longer in sight, you closed your eyes and slipped your fingers under the hem of your panties. You let out a puff of air as your digits found your clit and you began to rub tight little circles, squirming around in the wooden chair that you’d been sitting in. It creaked in the midst of the night, but getting so caught up in the moment, you didn’t even care if your movements or whimpers woke Carol up. You imagined Dave burying his cock deep inside you, moaning out your name. It was really bad, you knew that… but the truth is, if Dave wanted to fuck you next, you’d have no qualms. You’d let him. You’d beg him. With your free hand, you clutched the edge of the window sill so hard your knuckles turned white as you felt your body pull to its orgasm.

You stayed by the window for around two and a half hours after that, apprehending his return. If one thing was sure, it was that Dave made an effort to remain unseen. He dressed in all black, even opting to wear a hat to hide his brown locks of hair. You heard the keys jingle as he let himself into the house, this time via the back door because he knew it would be quieter. You heard his footsteps emerge up the stairs. Strangely enough, you heard the washer switch on as he would do his own laundry. In fact, you couldn’t remember the last time you had cleaned Dave’s clothes. Washing his clothes at four in the morning only made him even more suspicious, but you had to applaud his efforts.

“I think Dave is cheating on me,” Carol announced as you finished up doing the dishes. You felt your body stiffen at her tone, before taking a deep breath and turning to face her. She looked exhausted, nursing a cup of coffee and her bleached blonde hair tied into a messy bun. “He’s been… acting different,” she revealed sadly. “He slips out of bed at around one in the morning, every night. He comes back at four-ish, and I pretend to be asleep. But he undresses, and he smells like sweat. We don’t talk much anymore. I don’t think he loves me.” she confirmed, and you could tell she was trying to hold back unshed tears.

“I’m sorry.” was all you could offer her.

She sank down into the dining room chair and held her head in her hands. Carol wasn’t a bad woman -- but you couldn’t bring yourself to empathise with her. She was the lucky one who got to marry Dave in the first place… who got to bring up his two wonderful kids. She got to live in the big suburban house, and she got to drive the expensive family SUV. Clearly, she was struggling. Her suspicions of her husband cheating were eating her alive, and you knew from your own spying that he was certainly up to something. It must have sucked for her, but even if Dave was being unfaithful, she was still living your dream life.

“I think I’m going to call him out,” she confessed with an uneasy shrug of her shoulders. “I have to. I can’t keep living like this. It’s just… I have no evidence. No way to prove it.”

Carol had a point. If she was going to confront him, surely he’d just deny it and get mad. You liked Dave a lot, that much was clear, but maybe… in this scenario… you could be some use to Carol. If you could provide her with the evidence that he was cheating, then their marriage would inevitably fall apart. Then you could harness the chance to steal Dave away for yourself. This could actually work.

“I can help you,” you said suddenly, pulling out the chair opposite Carol and sitting beside her. “I can help you find what you need to expose Dave’s affair.”

Carol furrowed her eyebrows together in bewilderment, and you hoped you hadn’t sounded too excited about the prospect. “How do you plan on doing that?” she asked you with uncertainty.

You hummed, your mind weighing up the possible scenarios. “Uhm… well, next time he sneaks out I can watch him leave... and then I take your SUV and carefully follow him. I’ll try to snap some photos of him getting caught in the act.” you suggested and watched Carol wince at the thought of you seeing him with somebody else. Seriously… were you supposed to feel bad for her? Carol looked unsure but finally she sighed a breath of defeat and nodded her head, agreeing to your plan.

“Okay… but be careful you don’t get caught.” She warned.

“I’ll do it tonight,” you promised. “Don’t worry Carol, let me handle this.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

This time, when the night rolled over, you weren’t in the attic like usual. You were hiding out by the living room window downstairs which gave you quick and easy access to the front door. Once you were satisfied that Dave had driven an ample distance away from the house, you grabbed Carol’s car keys and jogged down the patio to her SUV. You knew the roads would be empty at this time of night, so it shouldn’t be too hard to lose sight of Dave. What would be hard though, is trying to remain unseen by him. Any car out on the roads at two in the morning would be suspicious. You figured you were doing a good job at staying back in the shadows.

To your surprise, Dave began to drive out of town and he headed towards the forest that peppered the outskirts of the little village he lived in. You knew that nobody lived in this area, and so why he was driving this far out was beyond you. Though, it only piqued your curiosity more, and so you continued to follow him.

You parked around ten feet behind him, the car tyres getting stuck in the dirt. You watched as Dave hopped out of his car and swung a black duffel bag over his shoulder. He ventured into the depths of the forest, amongst the tall trees, until eventually he was nowhere in sight. You sat in the driver's seat for a few moments, contemplating what exactly was going on. You didn't expect this at all. You figured that, all this time, he had in fact been driving to a different part of town, letting himself into someone else’s house and having an affair.

Then, the reality that he could still be having an affair struck you. You hopped out of the SUV and turned on your phone’s flashlight, helping you familiarise yourself with your surroundings. Dave’s clunky boots left a trail of footsteps in the mud, thankfully, which meant it was easy enough to track him down. You were making good progress and doing fine until you heard a man scream. And your heart sank in your chest.

The same voice cried out in terror, before another scream followed. Could it be Dave? Was he in danger? Your mind shot to what you believed to be the worst possible case and your light jogging turned into running as you followed the sound. You had to make sure Dave was okay.

As you got closer and closer, you began to hear a squelching noise and a series of grunts and groans. You noticed a figure, on his knees by a large tree trunk -- and evidently, he noticed the way your flashlight had highlighted his body. The masculine figure rose to his feet and dropped the knife to the ground before turning to face you.

It was Dave.

“What are you doing here?” he interrogated, removing his hat and stuffing it into his pocket.

“You… I--... you…” you were speechless, your gaze flicking between Dave and the corpse that he had tied to the tree. The screams you had heard earlier hadn’t come from Dave, but instead had come from the man he just murdered.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He repeated, malice dripping from his tongue. When you didn’t answer, he scoffed incredulously and pulled out a clean knife. He took only a few steps towards you, breaking any distance, and held the silver blade to your neck. The coolness of the metal stung your skin and your gaze fixated on his cold dark eyes in horror. “I’ll ask you one last time,” Dave whispered, his warm breath fanning over your jaw. “Sweet girl, tell me, why are you here?”

“Carol sent me…” you lied. “I didn’t want to. But-- but she thought you were cheating on her. She told me to follow you into the night and see where you ended up.”

“That bitch,” Dave huffed, taking a step back and shaking his head in disbelief. “And you were happy to betray me?”

“No!” you said defensively, your voice raising an octave. “She said if I didn’t, she’d fire me.”

“You should have come to me first.” Dave gritted out, his voice deep and his eyes locked on yours. God, he was hot. If he hadn’t just murdered someone, you’d be all over him.

“I know,” you gulped and made an effort to flutter your eyelashes apologetically. “I was scared.”

“Scared of me?” Dave quizzed, tilting his head and wrapping a gloved hand around the column of your throat. He gave it an experimental squeeze.

“N-no,” you stammered out, biting your lower lip. “Scared of Carol.”

“And now that you know where I’ve been going every night. Now that you know that I’ve been murdering innocents… are you scared of me?” Dave rephrased after a moment of silence.

“No,” you confirmed again but with a shaky exhale. You raised your hand and cupped his cheek. The touch caught him off guard. He wasn’t used to this kind of affection from anyone. “Actually… it turns me on.”

Dave pulled away from you and a wicked smirk crossed his lips. “I never pinned you to be that kind of person.” he revealed, but if the tent in his pants was anything to go off, you knew that he liked it.

“I never pinned you to be a murderer.” you shot back with a sweet moan, licking a hot stripe along his jaw and maneuvering your hand along his broad chest.

Dave let his own gloved hand tangle in your hair before yanking your head back and forcing you to look at him. 

“Not a murderer, just a cheater?” he questioned, venom in his tone. 

“Mm, I’m sorry.” you whispered, and Dave began to push you down onto your knees. 

“Show me,” he hissed, and you hungrily nodded your head.

In the darkness of the night, you began to undo his belt. Pulling it through the loops of his pants, you discarded it to the ground and then started to work at the zipper. You dipped your hand into his pants and pulled out his already hard cock. You couldn’t help but gasp at how heavy it felt in your hands.

You began to pump at his length, your fingers gathering the beads of precum that had dribbled out of his tip. “Let me fuck your mouth.” he commanded. You opened your mouth as wide as you could, preparing yourself for his girth, and stuck out your tongue. Dave chuckled darkly before thrusting his thick cock into your mouth.

His breathing hilted when you wrapped your lips and moaned around him, the noise sending vibrations through his body.

He pushed his entire length into you and then gently began to trace your throat with his index finger. The movements of his hands were achingly soft in comparison to the rough and messy nature of his thrusts. It didn’t take long for you to realise he was actually tracing the bulge that his thick cock had made there, and you gagged around him in response. He doubled back, pulling out of you and only giving you a second to catch your breath before fucking your mouth again. 

His speech was slurred and his vision became hazy as he muttered words of degradation. “You little whore, sucking my cock in the middle of a fucking forest at night. Do you like this? Do you like taking my cock in your mouth?”

You could only hum in approval. You felt tears begin to prick at the corners of your eyes and his cock began to throb in your mouth. You knew he was close now. You brought your hands to his balls and began to massage them, and looked up through your lashes at Dave who had tossed his head back, the pleasure consuming him. 

Without any warning, Dave came undone, his salty load shooting into your mouth. He brought his hands back down to your head and forced you to swallow him whole. It wasn’t easy, but you managed to do so, relishing his taste. Eventually, he let you pull off him, a mixture of his cum and your saliva creating a trail between his cock and your lips. He grabbed your hand and helped you to your feet before tucking himself back into his pants and zipping himself up.

“Well, I can’t murder you now.” he sighed, rubbing his jaw.

“Do you need me to help you hide the body?” you offered.

“No,” he replied. “I do all my murders in this forest because no one has visited in years. They decompose quickly too. I just leave them to rot.”

It sounded pretty risky, you thought, but evidently, Dave knew what he was doing. He must have been doing this for a long time. “Oh okay…” you mumbled. “I’ll just… head back to the car then.”

You spun around on your heel and took a few steps in the direction you came before you heard Dave call your name. You froze and waited for him to speak.

“I’m going to kill Carol,” he said, the five words echoing amongst the trees around you. “And I need you to be my alibi.”

“M-murder Carol? But why?” you asked, honestly feeling a little uneasy at this point. You trusted Dave, you really did. But Carol had sent you out to try and evidence the fact he was cheating on you. In the past half hour, you’d witnessed her husband murder someone, and then you had proceeded to give him what could quite possibly have been the best blow of his life.

“She thought I was cheating on her,” he said, his voice so quiet it was almost sinister. “She has betrayed my trust.”

You wanted to throw in the fact that he had actually just cheated on her, with you, but you decided that might not have been the best idea. He needed to know that you were on his side. You hadn’t realised the length of time you’d stayed silent for. Clearly, had been too long for Dave’s liking.

“Are you going to betray my trust?” Dave queried and you shook your head ‘no’ profusely. “Good.” 

“Good thing I’ve cleaned enough houses in my time to know how to cover up a scene,” you said softly, taking a few steps closer to him. “And it’s a good thing I helped Carol take out a big life insurance policy.” your lips curled into a smile.

“So we do it tonight,” Dave whispered, his thumb grazing the height of your cheekbone. “We go home together, and I’ll kill her. I’ll take her body to the forest and you clean up before daylight.”

“What about the girls?” you couldn’t help but ask.

Dave picked up his belt and the bloodied knife before throwing them haphazardly in his duffle bag. “Good thing they’ll still be living with another, amazing woman that they can look up to once their mother is gone,” he smirked, and you felt your cheeks flush with heat at his words. “I’ll call the cops tomorrow morning and file a missing person’s report for Carol.”

“Will it work?” you wondered out loud.

“Do you trust me?”

Maybe you were foolish, but as you contemplated his words, you realised that you really did trust this suburban murder dad.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

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[honourablejester]

Shadow & Bone Reaction

Okay, so I watched Shadow & Bone last night. Stayed up until 5am to manage it, so this is going to be muddled, but howandever. Spoilery and involved first impressions from someone who has not read the books below:

Right, so the Ketterdam crew are my favourites. Obviously. This was guaranteed

All three of them, I cannot decide between them

Jesper is a gambling addict which does grind my miserly gears a bit, but he’s also lovely and adorable and quite possibly the most badass person on the show, which is an achievement, and his interactions with Inej are beyond adorable, so I love him with all my heart

That thing Inej said to Alina? Whenever you need it, my hand is yours? That is me for Inej. More on this later

Kaz is a vicious little gremlin of a man with a badly hidden streak of loyalty, and he’s exactly my stripe of guile antihero, so of course I adore him madly

The absolute chaos of them just … accidentally poking their oars into the entire rest of the plot is beautiful beyond belief. They’re just there and mucking things up for everybody like someone threw a bag of spanners into an engine, and it’s beautiful

I was surprisingly really on board for Mal and Alina. Particularly them as kids, this pair of tiny scrappers against the world

I also loved the whole First Army part at the beginning. Like, Mal’s pair of friends, Mikael and Dubrov, they’re adorable (and I fucking screamed later, with the machine gun, you bet), him and Alina in the camp, his friends teasing him about her, him stealing Grisha grapes for her. The show got right in on the friendship and the love there, and honestly I was there for it

The Darkling, on the other hand …

Right. So. I expected him to maybe be … more subtle than he was? I mean, I think everyone’s expecting him to go villain here, so it probably wasn’t supposed to be that subtle, but …

That moment where Alina decides to kiss him. After being separated from Mal, with no communication with her old life, and with Kirigan being all sad and incredibly intense at her at random moments. Like. Long, long before we get to his whole forcibly altering her body to control her moment, I was looking at her kissing this dude and going ‘Oookay, okay lady, that’s, that’s not a good plan. I get that it’s Ben Barnes, do not blame you there, but that’s so not a good plan’

He just kept coming on so fucking strong, you know? The whole intense ‘I’ve been waiting for you my whole life’. He was bleeding desperation and control from the get go. And like, lots of people have those in this show, but where someone like Kaz or Inej feel like ‘I will stab you in the face right fucking now to get out of this alive’, Kirigan is very much, yes, ‘I will swallow your entire city in darkness and give a nice little speech about it to captive dignitaries who I’ll then murder because they shouldn’t have opened their mouths’

There’s more power there than the others, I think, so it feels less like ‘I’ll do what I have to do’ and more ‘I’ll do what I want’

Which his backstory was an interesting show on, yes, how he started out just as desperate as any of them, and then vengeance and black magic ate him. As it does. But still. He comes on too strong

(And the collar. The collar. Not even the massacre later matched that one for me, though Genya’s casual mention of him ‘gifting’ her at 11 came close. But it didn’t match the collar for visceral no. He mutilated Alina to implant a control device within her body. He can die in a ditch with his head covered in pitch and set on fire now. I can’t with him. No)

So, yes. Excellent villain, definitely, I just expected him to maybe take a bit longer to show it?

His minions are adorable, though. The two married heartrenders, Genya and the Durast she has the biggest danged crush on (gotta say, when Kirigan said he needed him for later, I was honestly expecting him to kill him for something, to hurt Genya, did not expect David to be in on the whole mutilating control collar thing)

The show did a lot of work humanising the various factions, so when you get moments like Jesper vs Ivan, round 1, you don’t want either of them to lose, because Ivan has a husband to go back to, and Jesper is Jesper. And then Jesper can’t shoot a pretty man in the face, and we’re golden

(Sidenote one: that scene was badass, holy shit, Jesper was playing with him, it was incredible)

(Sidenote two: Jesper vs Ivan, round 2? Less sympathetic on Ivan’s part)

(Sidenote three: the Ketterdam three vs Kirigan’s everybody was just, god I love them, we’re going to be straight badass all down the line, can you beat a centuries-old shadow sorcerer with a flashbang? An inferni with a knife? A heartrender with a gun while playing with him the entire time? Come to Ketterdam and find out! I love them)

Now. Now. The main thing for me. Inej. Inej and Alina and Kaz

The scene in the Little Palace where Alina shows her power. Ignoring everything that promptly went tits up for everybody. The look on Inej’s face. The look on her face. Hope and faith. From Inej, who’s been so hurt and desperate so far. Oh, that killed me. So much. I was there like, Alina, Alina, it’s not your fault, but you better be worth it, I know you don’t need the pressure but if you have to let anyone down, let it not be Inej. Not her. And Kaz Brekker, you sociopathic mushroom, do not fuck this up for her. Okay? Not this

And then he doesn’t. He doesn’t. He gives up a million kruge and potentially everything he has so he doesn’t have to break Inej’s faith. I loved him there. Right there

And like, he was trying to weasel something out of it. He was still trying to bully Alina all the way to the end, even after she saved his life, because he didn’t want to lose everything, he wanted to have some way to be able to bring Jesper and Inej back with him, because otherwise he was walking back to a city that hated him with literally nothing, since he’d mortgaged the Crow Club on Inej’s debt, and she’d walked out on him anyway, and he’d let her. So he tried to bully Alina, tried to force some way to let Inej come back, without actually forcing Inej. Just, you know, the saint she loved instead, and a woman who’d also just lost everything, and maybe could have used those jewels to stay ahead of pursuit for a while, but that’s not his problem. That’s not his problem

Kaz Brekker is a vicious horrible gremlin of a man, but not to his own, mostly, as much as he can avoid it, and like … did they know in advance what I like? Because that was it

(Him entering the fight on the skiff solely to save the other two, everyone else can die, but he’s going to dive Jesper clear of the Cut and hammer a volcra’s head in to save an unarmed Inej, that was beautiful. Even if I was a tiny bit annoyed at Inej for panicking and throwing her weapons away while outnumbered by flying things. No. Keep them close to stab anything that comes near you, honey, don’t throw them into the darkness. But Kaz saving his Crows was beautiful)

Also, to go back to Inej and Alina, just a little. How much do I love that Inej’s knife saved them all? Inej kissed her knife and planted in the Darkling’s chest, and it did fuck all to him, but then it’s the knife Alina used to take her freedom back and save them all

Inej’s knife freed Alina. Gave a slave her freedom back. Gave her saint her power. Not by killing, but as a tool to break a chain. I can’t. I really, really can’t. Whoever wrote that episode, thank you a lot

You may have guessed, I have feelings about Inej, and Alina, and Kaz, and freedom, and faith, faith in another power and faith in yourself and those you trust, and it’s all tied up in a knife and a debt, and people offering freedom to each other against their own best interests, and I really can’t with them. I can’t. I’m inarticulate over here

Like, this beautiful man did this hideous thing, made this horrible vicious collar, and then all these scared, battered little outcasts and ex-slaves and current slaves gave each other tiny moment after tiny moment after tiny moment that allowed them all to free each other

I can’t

And then Alina gave Inej her knife. The little letter opener that she’d robbed from the Little Palace. The little symbol of two tiny orphans having each other’s backs against the world. Alina gave that back to Inej

Inej’s knives are a whole thing. Kaz gave Inej a job, a way out of slavery, and it’s both joy and horror to her, freedom and damnation, she doesn’t want to kill people but that’s what knives are for, and it’s a freedom she sometimes forces herself to surrender out of trust in Kaz, and then she does kill people, but it’s to save those she cares for, to save Kaz, and then her knife saves them all as a key, not a murder weapon, and Alina, for whom knives are also a symbol of protection, for herself and those she loves, and now freedom as well, gives Inej hers as this tiny gesture that means so much …

And earlier, Kaz stopping her from killing the Conductor, and it was for his own reasons, it was because he needed the man for a job, but the fact that he did that meant that Inej’s first kill wasn’t a murder, an assassination to save herself, but a clean kill in defense of someone else. A kill she could explain to her saints. Especially the one that showed up, because Alina knows all about that

(And when her knives run out, when she’s lost them all on the skiff and is facing death, it’s Kaz who saves her, who pays his debt and preserves her freedom, because he can be trusted with them, with the knives and all they mean …)

And the two things Alina gives them. The knife for Inej, and the jewels for Kaz. A gift for the woman who saved her, and a bribe for the man who threatened her. And it’s exactly what they need. Both of them. It’s freedom and forgiveness and hope for them both. And she had no idea, she just gave what she had at the time. A saint by pure accident, like she’s been all along, but it meant the world. Sometimes all a person needs is one thing. A knife, a chance. A hope

Whoever was writing the thing with the knives, and the saints, and faith in yourself and those around you, you are a genius and I love you

And, like, I should move on. There were other things in the show. Nina and Matthias, I’ve pretty much not mentioned them at all (they are adorable, even as they’re basically Stockholming each other, and then the last episode hit, and everything was good, more or less, for everyone else, so that last fucking punch was a lot, thank you so much), I just …

Knives and faith. Inej, Alina and Kaz. I love everybody, but that was so much the thing that caught me here. That’s what I’m mostly getting out of this show right now

[ultimate-cinephile]

more stuff that no one asked for! keep in mind that the ask box is open so feel free to request!

JOKER FLUFF ALPHABET

he deserves more love!

A- Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Okay, let’s be honest, you fell for Joker because of the hair or because of his eye.

He fell for you because he admired your bravery and kindness (doesn’t matter if you’re part of the SPFF, helping him and Licht, or just a plain ol civilian). You two met because he had showed up in your apartment one night, bleeding out, and your first instinct was to patch him up, and as soon as you were done, you pulled a knife on him.

B- Baby (Do they want a family? Why or why not?)

I think Joker wouldn’t really want kids. He lives a dangerous life, and so far, you’ve been the closest thing to normal that he’s been able to keep without it being taken away from him. If he did decide he wanted kids, he would have to have finished his work and he would have to be sure that no one would be coming for him or his future family.

C- Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

Despite appearances, Joker is most definitely a cuddler. He loves wrapping his arms around you or having your arms wrapped around him because he likes that security. He loves the assurance that you’re there. 

With that being said, his go to cuddling position is probably the Honeymoon Hug. It gives him access to feel your arms wrapped around him and the security that gives him, and it allows him to wrap his arms around you. It makes him feel like both the protectee and the protector.

D- Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Joker…. doesn’t really plan dates. If you help him on his mission, that’s probably the closest to a date you get with him. Well, you two do order take-out and cuddle while binging some movies too. If you really want to go out though, just tell him and he’ll plan a most extravagant evening out.

It doesn’t really matter what you two do as a date though. Joker just loves spending time with you. You two could literally be watching paint dry and he’d be content with it, as long as it’s with you.

E- Everything (You are my ___; eg: my life, my world)

You are my only hope in this godforsaken world.

F- Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

After a long night of helping Joker decipher some clue he picked up on his latest expedition. You were mumbling to yourself and tossing out guesses. Joker took a moment and looked at you. Your eyebrows were furrowed, eyes squinted yet somehow glaring at the clue, biting your lip in frustration. You caught his gaze and asked if something was wrong and he tossed out a witty remark. You laughed and in that moment Joker realized that if this was normal, he wanted it, and he wanted it with you.

G- Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Joker is not a gentle man. However, with you, he is the most gentle person to ever walk the face of the planet. He knows that you’re more than capable of handling yourself, but he’s so terrified of losing the best thing to ever happen to him that he sometimes treats you like the slightest touch would break you.

H- Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

Joker likes to slip his hand into yours and then you intertwine your fingers. Depending on his mood, he might lightly swing them. If you two are cuddling and you lace your hands together, they’re probably laying on his chest.

I- Impression (What was their first impression?)

Your first impression was probably somewhere along the lines of: “Man, I can’t wait to eat my rame- HOLY SOL, THERE’S A GUY BLEEDING OUT ON MY COUCH!” When you were able to think rationally, and after Joker had managed to talk you out of removing the knife from his throat, you thought he was weird and a little creepy, but you guys managed to bond anyways.

His first impression of you was that you were incredibly kind. I mean, you patched him up without a second thought. His second thought was, “Okay, this chick/dude might slit my throat. They’re awesome.”

J- Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

He absolutely does not. 

How can you be jealous of someone who never existed in the first place?

Okay, so he does get jealous, and he might not go to the extent of murdering someone (although I wouldn’t say he’s above it). Usually if he gets jealous, Joker just materializes at your side and the guy almost immediately makes up an excuse to leave. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you, he doesn’t trust the other guys.

K- Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

He probably did. The first time he kissed you was impulsive and quick and neither of you realized what was going on until you pulled away. He got embarrassed so you dived back in to kiss him again.

Kisses with Joker start off soft and slow and almost timid if you’re really looking for it, but eventually get more passionate. He always drags it out for as long as possible and they always tell you just how much you mean to him without him ever having to say it. Needless to say, when the both of you pull away, you’re usually breathless.

L- Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

Honestly, probably you.

You and Joker were kissing one night and when you pulled away you breathlessly sighed, “I love you.”

When you looked at him, he was tearing up, and he moved to hug you, quickly repeating the phrase. He loves you so much, and he was scared to say it in case you didn’t feel the same.

He can’t thank you enough for loving him and giving him the normal life he’s always wanted.

M- Memory (What’s their favorite memory together?)

His favorite memory involving the two of you is simple. You two were cuddling. He had woken up first and you were still sleeping. Your hair was beautifully splayed out behind you. You looked so peaceful while you slept that he dared not move for fear of waking you. The light from the window highlighted your face perfectly and it was just perfect.

N- Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person that they love everything?)

Joker doesn’t buy you everything. If he sees you eyeing something a lot, he will buy it for you with no hesitation, but he isn’t the guy that goes out and buys you a teddy bear for no reason either.

O- Orange (What color reminds them of their other half?)

Green. You had an ivy plant in your bathroom so anytime he sees that magnificent shade of green, he thinks back to how you two first met and he goes full sap mode.

P- Pet Names (What pet names do they use?)

Doll is his go to. I don’t know why. It's just is. He’s also rather fond of love, dove, and baby.

Q- Quaint (What is their favorite non-modern thing?)

The watch. He keeps it, even broken, and it is still one of his greatest treasures.

R- Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

On a rainy day, he loves to make some type of hot drink and then curl up on the couch with you in his arms while you watch westerns (like The Magnificent Seven, Tombstone, or Quigley Down Under).

S- Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Joker doesn’t cheer himself up. He bottles up his emotions and distracts himself.

DO NOT CRY AROUND THIS MAN!!! He has no idea how to console a person and he gets extremely awkward. He’s torn between joking and hugging you so he settles for rubbing your back. He’ll let you talk and offer to help the best he can.

T- Talking (What do they talk about?)

With you? Anything and everything. His goals, his mission, whatever movie you managed to get him into.

U- Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Cuddles. Cuddles help him relax. Please cuddle this man. Any sort of physical contact from you makes all of his worries and stress from the day melt away, and it’s just what he needs after a long day.

V- Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

Well, he is proud of you and shows you off to his associates as much as he can.

Aside from you, his hair. Like, have you seen it? hOW DOES HE GET THAT VOLUME???

W- Wedding (When, how, and where do they propose?)

Joker bought a ring two weeks before he proposed to you.

Where and how he proposed is kinda funny. Both of you were exhausted. You had either accompanied he and Benimaru on their mission or spent the entire night worrying about him, and he had done cool fighting stuff all night. So when he got home, you both crashed onto the bed and he immediately pulled you into his arms.

He thought you were asleep, and in truth, he almost was too, when he popped the question. “(Y/N), you mean a lot to me, more than I’m capable of expressing. You’ve given me the closest thing to a life that I’ll ever have and you make life suck a little less. Marry me?”

Imagine his shock when you mumbled out a sleepy, “Yes.” Nevertheless, you woke up with a ring on your finger in the arms of your fiancee.

X- Xylophone (What’s their song?)

I have absolutely no idea why but the Hurdy Gurdy Man by Donovan reminds me of Joker.

For your relationship song, I’d say it’s most definitely James Dean and Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping With Sirens.

Y- Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

He absolutely would love to marry you, and he thinks about it all of the time. He buys a ring on a whim and carries it around for two weeks and constantly thinks about when would be the right time to do it.

Z- Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

He wants a dog. Having a fluff ball around would be fun to him. Plus, he’s always wanted one.

[catmaid-john]

Have some soulmate gretchella content courtesy of me (elliott) and em 👀 there was a lot of projecting as far as *ahem* character traits go, hope y’all enjoy!!!!

Summary: Gretchen has grown up with a less than ideal mindset about soulmates. How will they react when they meet their own?

Characters: Gretchen, Pamella, Marion, John, Jessique (mentioned), Vesna (mentioned), Eliza (mentioned)

Pairing(s): queer platonic gretchella

Warnings: subtle(?) homophobia and internalised homophobia, and that may be it but do read with caution as it’s pretty heavy. Let me know if I missed anything!!

Word count: 1,705

~

Gretchen was six when they asked about the red string on their finger.

“Daddy, what’s this?” they asked, holding up their pinky.

John sighed, closing his book he’d been reading in the study. “It’s a sign that you have a soulmate.”

“What’s a soulmate?”

“Someone meant for you. Like Vesna and I. We were soulmates, but didn’t let that define us.”

Gretchen tilted their head to the side. “What’chu mean?”

“Don’t let the world fool you. Everyone says soulmates are the most important part of life. They’re all wrong. You should focus on things like work and school, not some frivolous nonsense such as one person in all the world meant to be with you. Do you understand?”

Gretchen crossed their arms. “Okay, Daddy. Can we go fly kites today?”

“No, not right now. I have work to do. Maybe later.”

John hadn’t been doing work when Gretchen walked in.

They were ten the first time they saw a pair of soulmates first meet.

They were both boys. The red string that held them together turned white and they hugged.

Could Gretchen’s soulmate be a girl?

“Daddy?” they began as John drove them home from school that day. “I saw two boy soulmates today.”

John’s grip on the steering wheel tightened a bit. “I see.”

“Could my soulmate be a girl?”

“I’m not sure. I should hope not.”

Gretchen furrowed their brows. “How come?”

“Same sex soulmates have a higher mortality rate due to disapproval and lack of acceptance from peers. Not to mention they’re prone to… well, frankly, divorce.”

“But you and Mommy divorced.”

John’s grip tightened further, and Gretchen could see the marking on his pinky finger where his string once was.

“Yes, straight soulmates do divorce sometimes, but it’s higher in same sex soulmates.”

“Why? And what's morality?”

“Mortality. What I meant is that same sex soulmates more often die young and are even murdered. I don’t want that for you.”

Gretchen was suddenly scared. “What if my soulmate is a girl?”

“Don’t worry about that for now. It doesn’t matter.”

The conversation dissipated from there.

Gretchen was thirteen when they decided they didn’t want a soulmate anymore.

The odds of their soulmate being a girl were far too high. They didn’t want to end up like the dead soulmates their dad was talking about.

They took a pair of scissors and tried cutting their string. The scissors broke and clattered to the ground.

What? This had worked for John when he didn’t want a soulmate anymore. Were they doing it wrong?

They took a knife from the kitchen and sawed it across the string. The knife became ground down and dull.

They tried to untie the string but couldn’t find the knot. This soon became a game of finding the most slippery substance to help them slip out of the string.

Nothing worked. It was hopeless.

There was a chance that Gretchen was doomed to die young and there was nothing they could do about it.

Please let my soulmate be a boy, they thought. I wanna live.

They were seventeen when they stopped caring about what their father thought.

They also started using they/them pronouns alongside their step-sibling, Marion. John had married a woman named Eliza, who he claimed he met at a “gathering” for people who abandoned the soulmate life. Her kids were Marion and Jessique, who Gretchen liked much more than Eliza. Their dad had bad taste.

Gretchen was walking home from school when they felt a tug from their string. They usually felt an occasional pull from it but this was much stronger than that. It just about knocked them off their feet.

Before they could question it further, they were being pulled into the middle of the road. Luckily no one was driving, but Gretchen was still not having any of this today.

“Let me go!” they called uselessly.

It hurt to pull against the string but they really didn’t know what else to do. It was a little while before they suddenly collided with someone and was finally able to stop. Unfortunately the two of them crashed to the ground.

“I’m so sorry!” the stranger yelped.

Gretchen put a hand to their forehead, which had bumped into the stranger’s. “No, it’s all good. No harm done.”

“I should have paid more attention but my string was pulling me away and I—”

Gretchen finally took a look at the stranger in question. Bright orange hair overtook every feature and it was radiant as the morning sun. Eyes like drops of chocolate, enticingly sweet. She was too perfect.

Gretchen looked down at their string. It was white.

“Hi,” the stranger murmured. “I’m Pamella. I guess we’re—”

Gretchen got up and ran.

They were in tears when they came to terms with what happened.

They stood in the bathroom sobbing in front of the mirror. John’s voice echoed in their head.

Same sex soulmates have a higher mortality rate due to disapproval and lack of acceptance from peers.

They shook their head to rid themself of their thoughts. They didn’t care what their dad thought. They didn’t.

Same sex soulmates more often die and are even murdered. I don’t want that for you.

No. It was all stigma. It was all lies. Shut up.

You should focus on things like work and school, not some frivolous nonsense such as one person in all the world meant to be with you.

Shut up!

Gretchen was on the verge of screaming but kept as quiet as possible. They didn’t want to worry their siblings.

They didn’t care what their dad thought. They didn’t.

Even still they couldn’t accept what they have faced.

Gretchen was eighteen when they met their soulmate for a second time.

Perhaps not entirely true, given that they had spotted Pamella at school a few times since their run-in. This, however, was their first proper encounter since Gretchen ran.

“Uh, excuse me!” Pamella’s voice called out, catching Gretchen’s attention. They realised who it was and tried to walk away faster.

Go away, go away, go away—

“Hey!” Pamella caught up with them, standing in front of them with a shy smile. “So… I, uh… wanted to give you time to process everything, but I’ve seen you avoiding me like crazy. I just… wanted to know why? At first I thought maybe you were upset about me knocking you over, but I don’t know. Man, I feel like an asshole.” She chuckled awkwardly.

Gretchen blinked. “Sorry,” they said on instinct. “Uh… it’s not you, it’s me, I gotta go.”

They walked away without another word.

Gretchen was home alone with Marion when they confessed to what had been going on.

“Wow,” Marion murmured. “I mean, obviously I knew you’d met your soulmate, I just thought… well, I don’t know. Why’d you run?”

Gretchen buried their face in their hands. “It’s complicated.”

“C’mon, talk to me, bestie.”

Gretchen sighed and sat up. “My dad scared me as a kid telling me I was gonna die if my soulmate was a girl.”

Marion paused, their expression never changing. “The fuck?”

“He was talking about, like, mortality rates of gay soulmates and divorce and shit, so… ten year old me took it to heart for some reason.”

“Huh. So when you realised your soulmate is a girl… aw, Gretch.”

“I know, it’s stupid.”

“No it’s not. I promise you, it’s not stupid. Your dad is a piece of shit.”

Gretchen snorted. “Yup, sounds right.”

“Don’t let him ruin your experience with your soulmate. I promise you, if you let your parent try to run your life, it’ll just hurt. Trust me.”

Gretchen glanced over at Marion. They couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, Mari.”

“You gonna go after your soulmate?”

“I might have to.”

The next day at school, Gretchen was the one to approach Pamella.

“Hi,” they murmured shyly.

“Hey,” Pamella replied with hesitation.

“I, uh… I know I’ve been a dick… but… I wanna… try this whole thing again. You deserve better from your… soulmate.”

Pamella was clearly shocked, and Gretchen gave her time to process what they had said. She took a deep breath and finally spoke.

“Hi. I’m Pamella. He/him pronouns.”

Gretchen blinked. That was unexpected.

“Oh. Uh, Gretchen. They/them pronouns.”

Pamella smiled. “Nice to meet you, Gretchen. I’m sure you’re a bit surprised that I’m… ya know, trans. I’m not out to my parents, so that makes it a bit hard to transition, not to mention I’m scared to get my hair cut.”

“I mean, you don’t need a haircut to be trans, though. Being trans makes you trans. I mean, I’m still feminine and nonbinary as fuck, they’re not mutually exclusive.”

Pamella blushed. “Thanks. I’m glad you get it.”

Gretchen grinned. Maybe having a soulmate wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Gretchen and Pam were twenty when they decided to label themselves as platonic soulmates.

They weren’t romantically involved and they were okay with that. Gretchen was aromantic and Pam didn’t care about relationships. He really just wanted to be with Gretchen in a platonic way. They were all he needed.

They had tried to make it work as romantic soulmates, which didn’t last long.

The one thing they continued to do in their platonic relationship was cuddle.

Gretchen laid on top of Pam, who laid on his back and ran his hand up and down their back. Gretchen was having a difficult day and all they needed was cuddles on the couch with a movie on the TV.

Gretchen looked up at Pam, his new haircut still ravishing in their eyes. Gretchen had been tempted to shave their head but decided against it since they liked how they dyed it. Black on one side, their natural brown on the other.

“Pam?” they murmured.

Pam glanced down at them. “Yeah?”

“Do you think we’re soulmates because we just understand each other so much?”

Pam smiled. “I think we’re soulmates because we complete each other in a way no one else gets.”

Gretchen smiled back. They laid their head back down and closed their eyes, Pam running a hand through their hair.

“I’m glad we crashed into each other.”

Pam chuckled. “Me too, love.”

@nachosforfree

[queenofthefullmoon]

An exhaustive list of Dark Souls 3 bosses I would or would not date

Iudex/Champion Gundyr

We’re starting off this list with a strong yes. Our boy Gundyr has had a hard, difficult life, and he deserves some good company. He’s tall, strong, and I trust him to protect us as we set a lovely camp site outside of the fire link shrine.

Vordt of the Boreal Valley

Vordt is big and he is feral which are truly the only two qualities I look for in a man. Together we’d be unstoppable. I mean, think about how easy it would be to go around with him: just climb on his back and let the rodeo begin, baby. This argument alone should be enough to convince you that Vordt is a suitable boyfriend, but here’s another one: if you get too hot in the summer, worry fucking not for your gigantic man can hold his equally gigantic hammer over you and cover you with snow like an italian man covering his pasta with parmesan.

Cursed Rotted Greatwood

Now while I’m certain it would be a perfect partner for some people, the Cursed Rotted Greatwood isn’t for me. For one, I am not fan of curses, or rot, or weird sticky balls, or strange orange acid, or pale white and slightly viscous hands bursting through a living tree. Secondly, I feel like the crowd of Hollows who group up around the tree would be a big impediment to our intimacy, and I’m not ready to be the mother of 20 Hollows.

Crystal Sage

No offense but you’d be an idiot for not wanting to date the Crystal Sage. All wrapped up in one package, you get a super competent sorcerer bf, who wears the coolest hat in the galaxy and an equally cool cape, and who overall looks like the upgraded version of a plague doctor. In addition to that he also has a pretty rapier so you can both engage in some sparring (which we all know is the most romantic couple activity).

Deacons of the Deep

Probably one of the worst options on the list, they’re all crusty, rotting men moaning around a biggass coffin. There are many technical questions. If I dated a deacon, would I have to date all of them? Can we go out on dates or are they obligated to stay next to the coffin at all times? Can I even date them at all?? Not that I would, because I have standards. The only pro to entering this relationship(s?) would be that I’d probably get one of their robes for free, but the cons are so numerous that I’d rather buy it myself.

Abyss Watchers

Let’s be real and honest even if it hurts. Would I date an Abyss Watcher? Yes. Maybe I’d even date two. However, would an Abyss Watcher date me? No, because they’re all in love with Artorias, and I can’t blame them for that.

Old Demon King

At first I considered dating the Old Demon King like a Russian Instagram model dates an old, rich American man: with a great deal of fake love but above all great patience in order to be the only person on the will. But then I thought about it more, and what does the Old Demon King have to offer, really? A big firework show that will leave him exhausted like the old creature he is, and maybe some pyromancies. Truly, it is not worth it, especially since I’d have to take residence where he lives, in a big old room filled with the corpses of his kin.

High Lord Wolnir

I’ve got nothing against Wolnir personally, but I have no interest in skeletons, nor in his army of skeleton children. As stated above I’m not ready to be a mother. I feel like if we got in an argument and he sighed, he would poison me with his awful breath and I would die a horrible death. Also, living on the brink of the Abyss doesn’t appeal to me that much. However I would like Wolnir to be a good friend I can talk jewelry with because let’s be honest, the man (skeleton?) is blinged the fuck out even in death and I respect that.

Yhorm the Giant

Yes, I would date Yhorm. He was nothing but a sweet, misunderstood giant who always tried to get people to trust him and he convinced me. I would put my life in his big hands. Think of the possibilities. Just like with Vordt he could carry you everywhere but in a less reckless way if you prefer proper manners. You’d never have to worry about not seeing anything at a concert. Also, may I add that waiting for you to show up while sitting on his biggass throne is an absolute power move? Yhorm is a Lord of Cinder, but above all, a Lord of this heart.

Pontiff Sulyvahn

Would I date him because of his appealing aesthetic? Yes. Would I date him for anything else? No. Sulyvahn is absolutely terrifying, completely unhinged in the most frightening way, which is that he doesn’t look bat shit crazy. I could be thinking that everything is going well in our relationship then suddenly he’d lock me in a dungeon then would feed me to his weird friend because I put a fork in the knife drawer. He could pretend to propose and give me a weird fucked up ring with his eye in it and the next thing I know I’d be running in a field on all fours. I don’t trust like that.

Aldritch, Devourer of Gods

I’m so sad about Aldritch because literally everything about him is completely unappealing, unacceptable, unnatural, unholy, abhorrent, but he has the delicate and beautiful face of Gwyndolin. While our lovely Gwyndolin looks gorgeous as ever it doesn’t make up for the fact that Aldritch devoured people and probably wouldn’t find love to be a good reason to not eat his partner. The only reason I can find to have a friendship (not even a romantic relationship) with him is if you really like experimenting with cooking and you really, really need someone to taste your inventions.

Dancer of the Boreal Valley

I feel attraction, which means that just like any other being who feels attraction, I would date the Dancer. She is beautiful, graceful, a bit feral, and would not hesitate to put a flaming knife to my throat, which is the description of my dream woman. Imagine walking the streets with her, trying to hold her hand while it dangles 3 feet above you and she insists on holding her sword, actually, so she might slay anyone who tries to approach you, which she communicates through icy breaths and murmurs. The date of a lifetime.

Oceiros, the Consumed King

Another awful choice on this list, Oceiros is RABID and also, as far as we know, still a married man. You really want to date a man that hasn’t even gone through his divorce but already looks like this? Me neither. I’m already not big on dragon fucking but the fact that he’s all viscous and has weird growths all over him is not helping. Also, he has children, and we know how I feel about that — although, given how he treats them, he probably won’t have kids very soon (too far?).

Ancient Wyvern

So I’ve stated that I’m not very big on dragon fucking. With that said, do I think the wyvern is sexy and beautiful? Absolutely so. You’re probably like « Blue you’re sending mixed signals, are you gonna date the lizard or not? » and to that I say, date? Perhaps not. I would however like to form a lifelong bond with this wonderful force of nature and fight by its side, live a long and fulfilling life travelling along with it, only to die at the same time atop the tallest mountain in the world, where our skeletons will be discovers hundreds of years in the future by brave explorers, who will confirm that the legendary songs that were written about us were in fact not just a myth.

Nameless King

You’ve just read what I said about the wyvern. I feel like the Nameless King really understands me and would respect me for that. We could bond over our love of dragons and other flying scaly beasts and perhaps share some chaste kisses while soaring the sky on our companions. It’s nice to date someone who loves pets as much as you. I feel like he would be a fun guy to hang around in general, maybe he’d let you braid his hair or try on his crown. He can arrange personalized fireworks shows for you with his lightning powers. I don’t think you’d ever be bored around him.  

Dragonslayer Armor

Dating an empty suit of armor has never bothered me (see: ds2 Ruin Sentinels), however I have beef with the dragonslayer armor. Is it a beautiful armor? Perhaps a bit worn off, but the reply remains affirmative. However, it is controlled by Pilgrim Butterflies, which basically means I’m dating one to multiple of these things in the shape of an armor, and I’ve gotta confess that I’m not down for that.

Lorian Older Prince and Lothric Younger Prince

Here comes the delicate moment where we have to make a choice without offending anyone. I personally, speaking for myself, in my own opinion, would rather date Lorian. Reason: he is big, strong, and a bit rabid, which I’ve made very clear is my type. I don’t dislike Lothric, but I feel like we’d be better off as best friends who have a really snarky group chat where we shit talk the entire kingdom. That’s pretty good because if I even just slightly disliked Lothric I’m pretty sure Lorian would sense it and would not hesitate to murder me on sight.

Champion’s Gravetender and Champion Greatwolf

Well the full name is just a formality here, I’m not completely insane so I don’t want to date this rabid wolf. I feel like the Champion’s Gravetender is just a normal dude who’s a bit in over his head and it’s not his fault but he just seems a bit boring compared to all my other options. Instead of a date I think he’d be more of an awkward flirt I had when I was bored and then I came to my senses but didn’t know how to disengage, but in the end it worked out because he was more interested in his work anyway.

Sister Friede and Father Ariandel

Again a choice has to be made and I will have to be predictable and say I’d date Elfriede. Just like Dancer she’s what the woman of my dreams is made of. She’s graceful and could easily take my life and I think it’s awfully sexy of her to be like that. I think I’d be accepted into the family pretty easily, which is important since Father Ariandel cares about Friede so much. I’d go visit him sometimes, play chess with him, bring him his flail, normal interactions with your girlfriend’s dad.

Soul of Cinder

I’m gonna be a tiny bit freaky here and say I’d date the Soul of Cinder. Dating it is just like opening a Kinder Surprise egg, you never know what you’re gonna get (sorry Americans for excluding you here). That makes life exciting and doesn’t let routine stall your relationship. Every day you can wake up with the question « What weapon will my darling walk around with today? The flaming sword, or the sorcery staff? » and be surprised by the answer. Truly ideal, but I understand it’s not for the faint of heart.

Demon Prince

I’m gonna go with a maaaaaaybeeeee? leaning towards no. I mean yes, the Demon Prince is a weird fleshy flaming demon, and that may be a bit gross, but I’ve gotta admit I admire his style, the drama of it all. The care he puts into his entrance, the attitude in his moves. If we don’t date I’d at least want to be friends so he can teach me his ways.

Darkeater Midir

I have very intense and contradictory feelings towards Midir. In one hand, holy shit, absolutely epic dragon, the spirit of companionship is growing in me. On the other hand, this beast is RABID and pretending I could tame him is foolish, and pretentious. I guess in the end the answer remains that I don’t date dragons, I just want to adopt them as my extremely exotic pets.

Halflight, Spear of the Church

Yeah I’d date Halflight, I know it’s the easy answer but look at him. I mean shit he’s walking around like a little thotty with his shirt open and you mean to tell me I’m not supposed to wanna date him because he looks pretty much like a regular dude? My boy Halflight WANTS me to date him or else he would not show up with his tiddies out to a sword fight, which as an activity already has enough erotic implications on its own.

Slave Knight Gael

I’m gonna say it unashamedly and I’ll say it again: I would date Gael. He’s been nothing but helpful and when he tries to attack you it’s to help his little lady that he’s adopted as his niece. We love a chaotic parental figure. Maybe he’s a tad bit old and dirty but there’s nothing a good bath can’t fix and I’m sure he’d appreciate having someone taking care of him for once. Again, he’s got that slightly unhinged quality to him that makes him delightful. When I walk around with my partner I want us to instill both fear and fascination in people which we would be able to accomplish perfectly well.

Dark Souls 1: Remastered date list // Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin date list

[chilling-in-the-dark]

The Batboys Growing Up as Yanderes Part 1: Bruce Wayne

This is a yandere story; it mentions elements of death, murder, stalking, kidnapping and unhealthy obsession. If any of this is triggering for you, I understand, and you don’t have to read it.

As always feedback is welcome.

Something broke in Bruce the night his parents died, and it only got worse as he grew older. It started with Bruce becoming afraid that everyone he loved would leave him. Even you, the girl he’d known for as long as he could remember. As time passed, that fear would lead to an all-consuming need to keep you by his side.

Alfred had tried to tell himself that this was normal, Bruce had just lost the two most important people in his life, and that he would grow out of it once he realized you weren’t going anywhere.

Alfred had never been more wrong. Once he realized that the changes in the boy were permanent, he was left with a choice. He could continue to be willfully ignorant, or he could accept that the young master wasn’t entirely sane and do his best to help him not get caught.

Alfred loved Bruce like he was his own, so he chose the latter.

As time wore on and Bruce’s feelings for you became more romantic than platonic things got worse. Bruce was always convinced that someone would try to take you from him, that you were going to leave him behind in the dust, or that you’d end up dead like his parents.

It didn’t matter that you were from one of Gotham’s more destitute neighborhoods and could only afford to survive because Bruce started paying your bills when the power was cut while your dad lay strung out on the worn old sofa.

Nor did it matter that you were only able to attend Gotham Academy because he paid for it. Bruce knew the world would try and take you from him one way or another, but he wouldn’t let that happen, he couldn’t let that happen.

So he subtly sabotaged your grades so that they were barely good enough to keep you in the prestigious school, really the only reason he paid the tuition was that he liked to keep you close; you wouldn’t need a college education or a job. After all, he’d take care of you.

The dark parts of his brain kept whispering to him that you couldn’t leave if you weren’t able to look out for yourself, it didn’t matter if you could anyways, that’s he was there for. What good was being a billionaire if you couldn’t use that money to make sure that the girl you loved was safe and well kept?

Bruce thought one of the other kids was going to realize that you were everything good about the world concentrated into its purest form, and they were going to take you from him. It didn’t matter how many times Alfred tried to convince him it wasn’t true, that even if they did try and win you over, you’d never just abandon him.

Bruce’s possessiveness came to a head when you were fifteen, one of the kids from school wanted to take you out on a date and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Bruce pulled you in and kissed you fervently right there in the middle of the hallway. It was a statement you were his, and no one was going to take you from him.

When the kid who was hitting on you was found stabbed to death behind a bar that was known for overlooking age if you paid well enough, who would suspect Bruce Wayne, after all, he’d gotten the girl. Even if someone did think Bruce did it, what evidence could they find when the culprit dumped the knife in the river and burned everything else.

It wasn’t even a year after you first kissed that Bruce proposed, he’d done it on your sixteenth birthday. It started out with diner at the manor, he’d made sure to have the whole nine yards ready, candles, music, and a spread of your favorite foods. When he got down on one knee didn’t even hesitate when you said yes. Little did you know that you were celebrating when you should have been running because once that ring was on your finger, there was no going back; you were going to be Mrs. Wayne for the rest of your life, whether you liked it or not. 

The ring had been in the Wayne family since they founded Gotham, students and teachers alike knew that ring, because it meant that the person who owned it would have a level of power and prestige only a Wayne could achieve.

Suddenly teachers were a lot nicer to you, and the students who used to hiss at you over your lack of wealth wanted to be your friend. You weren’t stupid enough to fall for any of it; they just wanted to be your buddy because when you and Bruce got married, it would give you a level of influence only a Wayne could achieve.

Bruce hadn’t planned on you freezing everyone besides him out, but he can’t say that he’s too terribly upset by it. It just makes it easier for him to keep you for himself.

Bruce’s protective traits don’t surface until several weeks after the engagement, he gets a call from your father’s loan shark demanding ransom money. Apparently, dear old dad traded you in exchange for his debts being forgiven. The fiancée of Bruce Wayne would fetch a lot of cash; even more then the twenty-grand, her father was in debt.

Bruce wasn’t Batman yet; he knew he wouldn’t be able to take out an entire crew of crooks. So, he called the one man in the GCPD he knew he could trust, Detective James Gordon. Gordon came up with a plan to get you out safely. If it wasn’t for him, Bruce wasn’t even sure if he’d have gotten you back alive.

That moment is what sealed his fate as Batman, sure he’d been toying with the idea before, but now he knew that he’d have to make Gotham a safer place for you and everyone else who lived in it. Only there was something he needed to do first.

Sure, Bruce wanted to give you the big fancy wedding you deserved, but that would have to wait until he got back. Right then, he only wanted to ensure that you had unhindered access to the Wayne fortune while he was away so that you wouldn’t go without, Bruce also knew it would make it harder for you to leave him if the distance got too much for you to take.

It hadn’t taken much convincing from Bruce to get your dad to agree to sign the papers after all the man owed him big time, because your ransom had nearly been three times your dad’s debt. It had taken even less persuasion to get your dad to stay in Vegas after the wedding, Bruce didn’t want him anywhere near you.

It was only about a month after the wedding that Bruce left Gotham, though over the nine years he was gone, he never failed to send a letter each month. Sometimes they’d come with a gift, a dress from Paris, a jade hairpin from china, a painting from Venice, among other things.

When Bruce decided that it was time to come home he surprised you by coming back on your anniversary, he called Alfred as soon as he landed in Gotham and asking him to pick up a bouquet of your favorite flowers, and to make sure dinner was perfect.

Bruce may have not been ready for Gotham to know that he was back yet, but he’d been away from you for nine years, far too long.

You flew across the room and in his arms in a heartbeat when he walked into the manor. He’d gotten taller while he was away, broader two. It was almost impossible to believe that he was the same person who’d left Gotham nine years ago, but it was him, you’d recognize those eyes anywhere.

You realized he’d left as a boy, but he’d come back a man. The thought of how many years you’d lost brought tears to your eyes. Bruce gripped you tighter as you fought back your tears, the years had been lonely for you, but for him, they’d been agony, now that you were back in his arms he wasn’t ever going to let you go again.

It hadn’t taken you long after his return to realize Bruce was no longer the boy you’d fallen in love with, he was less open about his feelings with you and distant. You’d also changed over the near-decade the two of you had been apart. You realized how unhealthy it was for Bruce to want to know where you were at twenty-four-seven, or that he wanted to control who you talked to.

When you were younger, you brushed these off as him just wanting to keep you safe, but now you understood that something was seriously wrong with your husband. The final straw was when you’d found out he’d been stalking you over the bat-computer. He’d investigated every aspect of your life from when he was gone

You packed your bags and tried to make your way out of Gotham, maybe even to leave the country, but you hadn’t even made it off the manor’s grounds. There was a sharp sensation on the back of your neck, and before you knew it, Bruce had caught your falling body in his arms.

Bruce had been afraid this day would come, and always he’d been prepared for it. There was a room in Wayne manor that he’d have to keep you in until you realized that staying with him would be the best thing for you.

Bruce held you to his chest as he walked to the room. He wasn’t sure if he was more angry or sad about you trying to leave him, but that didn’t matter, you were his wife, and he wasn’t going to let you go. Not now, not ever.

He hoped that in time you’d understand that it’d be better, you’d be safe, and Bruce would make sure that you were well cared for, heck all you had to do was ask for it and he’d give you the world. The only thing he wouldn’t do was let you leave him. You were his wife, and it was going to stay that way until he drew his last breath.

Tags:

@yanderepeterparker

@idkmanicantenglish​

[cevans16]

Choosing Between Two Loves Part 2 - Civil War~2 (The Fight)

Summary: You were a Goddess named Elara, who had powers similar to Thor and even stronger, you joined the Avengers back when Loki had tried to take over New York. You were great friends with most of them. Tony Stark was someone you were always in love with even though you knew you could never have him. However that all changes when you get to know a certain super soldier....

You were running after Bucky and Sam in the airport with the new kid Peter Parker above you to aid. You weren’t sure where Tony pulled this kid out from but he seemed like he was going to be that annoying little brother you would always love no matter what. You were on Bucky’s heel when you spotted a rope on the side, you quickly went to grab it and attempted to lasso in Bucky to stop him from running. You were able to get ahold of his right foot, you yanked the rope towards you, pulling Bucky towards your feet. His face was stunned at who was looking down at him, he thought you were the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen in his long life, yet he was trying to understand how someone like you was strong enough to take him down. “Sargent Barnes....now I can see why Steve would protect you” you smirked at him, “I’m sorry but you’re going to have to let him go” you heard Sam warn you, “Let me guess a super soldier and a regular soldier against a Goddess, I know the odds and they’re not in your favor Sam” you teased. What you didn’t expect was to get hit by a stun gun specialized for you, you felt paralyzed for a few minutes while you heard Peter attempt to take them down and failed. You couldn’t erase the memory of Bucky’s beautiful blue eyes from your mind.

You heard Nat say where Steve and Bucky were headed, you heard through Tony that the original doctor had been murdered and the man who had committed the murder had framed it on Bucky. You felt guilty that you had chased after an innocent man even though your gut had told you otherwise. You hitched a ride with Tony, although you had been in love with him for many years, you knew he belonged to Pepper. “SO when are you and Pepper going to get married Tony?” you asked, “Ehhh we are kind of on a break” he said, “What?! Okay what did YOU do now?” you exasperated, he gasped looking at you, almost denying it, “Well whatever it is FIX it..... You know we messed up against Barnes” you said changing the subject, “Yeah, I know, Sam told me what happened” he replied, “we’re here, suit up” he said. There was a blizzard outside so you threw on a coat to cover most of your uniform, you both walked into the chamber looking around for any sign of Barnes or Steve. You walked up to a metal door that was closed down, Tony was going to open it but you held your hand to hold him back, “I got this Stark” you bent down to grab the bottom of the heavy door pushing it up with some extra strength, you looked up to see Steve holding his shield in front of him and Bucky aiming a gun towards you, you had to admit, they looked adorable scared. “Elara?” Steve said shocked to see you. You turned back towards Tony, “Look what I found” you joked. You guys walked towards them, Tony explaining that you had learned the truth. “Steve....I’m so sorry about this” you said genuinely, you then turned to look directly at Bucky, “I’m sorry Sargent Barnes” you added, “Call me Bucky” he said. You looked to Tony waiting for him to apologize, when he didn’t you playfully smacked him on his shoulder, he scoffed and then finally faced the other two, “We messed up.....hey this means its a truce Manchurian candidate” he teased Bucky, “Hahaha Manchurian candidate good one Tony.... come on Bucky I’m unarmed so I’m practically useless” you giggled, “I beg to differ on that Elara” Bucky joked back hinting that he would lay his guard down.

You guys walked further into the building looking at the frozen super soldiers, you walked a bit ahead when you heard Bucky call you, “Yes?”, “Be careful” he advised, “I appreciate it but I can take care of myself” you assured him walking away from the group. You took a closer look at one of the super soldiers when you noticed a wound on their forehead, “They’re.....dead?” you said sadly. The guys walked up quicker to look at each one and confirm they had all been killed in their sleep. You heard a boom to your left and someone else appear through a window. You and Steve walked up to the man on the other side of the bunker. The man spoke about some nonsense on Steve not being perfect and about Sokovia....he was up to something. “You know hiding behind a bunker doesn’t make you brave” you said to him, he turned to look at you, “the righteous Goddess who’s always been fighting a war whether its with the world or in her own mind....I will tear the Avengers apart” he threatened, “Exactly how do you plan on doing that?” you asked, raising your eyebrow. 

You heard something click behind you like a video playing, “I know that road” you heard Tony say....”What’s this?” he asked the man. You walked towards him to face the screen, Bucky was on your right, Tony and Steve on your left. You looked slightly down to watch what was on the screen, in Russian lettering you could see the date, “December 16, 1991″ you said. You felt Bucky shift beside you, you looked at him to see fear in his eyes again, he looked at you ashamed, you didn’t know what was going on but your gut said something very bad was about to happen. You saw Howard Stark in the video, the crash, you looked at Tony, his eyes showed the same realization as yours, “Is it your...” you didn’t bother finishing as Tony nodded his head to confirm, it was his parents crash. You saw a motorcycle pull up next to the Stark’s vehicle, a man got off and walked towards Howard Stark, the face surprised you, it was the face of.... Bucky. You blinked a few more times trying to make sure you weren’t imagining it, you looked at Bucky again who was now almost shaking, he couldn’t even look at you in the eye this time. You could feel Tony looking back at Bucky and the video playing, hearing Tony’s mom say “Howard” over and over, in the video Bucky walked over to Maria’s side, choking her until you couldn’t hear anything, he then walked to look at the camera and shot at it. You stood looking at the blank screen feeling your breath shake, Tony next to you in disbelief, so many emotions running through his mind, stunned at what he saw, his parents killed and the person who had murdered them was right there in the building. Tony shifted towards Bucky but you stopped him with a hand on his chest, “Tony” Steve said, clearly a shake in his voice as well. “Did you know?” Tony asked him, “I didn’t know it was him” Steve replied, “Don’t BULLSHIT me Rogers, did YOU KNOW?”.....”Yes”. Your heart sank, you knew that one word changed everything. Tony took a step back and looked directly at you, “How about YOU, Elara, did YOU know?” he pleaded, “No Tony I didn’t” you replied. You had never seen Tony looked so hurt in his life, anger, betrayal, everything all at once. 

The air was thick between the four of you, you could hear the wind blowing outside. Suddenly you felt Tony grab you by your waist and throwing you away from Bucky, you looked up to see him charging towards Bucky, Steve behind him. You quickly took off your coat and ran towards the men, you knew what Bucky did wasn’t right but you couldn’t let Tony kill the man and you also had to make sure no one killed Tony. He blew a wall between you and Steve to buy time to catch up to Bucky, Steve plowed through it grabbing Tony’s foot and destroyed part of his flight system. You pushed Steve back, “Are you serious Elara!!” Steve yelled at you, “I won’t let you kill him” you said, “I can’t let him kill Buck” he fought with you pushing you back onto your butt. You chased after them seeing when they fell deeper into the bunker. 

You fought against Steve while Bucky and Tony went at it, somehow the four of you switched, Tony and Steve, you and Bucky, “Are you going to kill me Bucky” you yelled at him while he held your neck, “Are YOU going to kill me?” he returned the question, “No but this will hurt” you said landing a strong kick to his thigh causing him to kneel, you were about to run towards Steve when you felt Bucky’s hand grab your foot, throwing you onto the ground, pulling you to him, you gritted in anger, pushing him onto the floor, shoving his face on the concrete. You felt a sharp pain in your ribs, you looked down to see that he had stabbed you! “Oh this is how we’re playing” you said, taking out the knife from your ribs and throwing it on the other side. The pain hit you hard weakening you, allowing Bucky to take advantage, Tony saw Bucky was about to attack you again, he charged towards Bucky, knocking him out. Steve then took it as a chance to hit Tony on his back, throwing him onto the floor, Steve grabbed his shield and began banging it against Tony’s arc reactor. You could feel the tears in your eyes; tears of pain, anger, betrayal, and most of all sadness seeing you all being torn apart exactly like the man had said. You tried your best to gather your strength, pushing yourself up you ran towards Steve, “Stop it! You’re going to kill him!!” he tried to fight you back but you placed your forearm against his neck, “I am NOT going to ask again ROGERS!” you yelled furiously, Steve had never seen you so infuriated, he didn’t want to hurt you, he squeezed your arm to push you back, he walked away towards Bucky, “Don’t do this Rogers, you are giving that man exactly what he wanted!” you yelled at him, he didn’t listen, “Steve, I am.... begging you, don’t do this” you pleaded, tears running down your face, “He’s my friend” he replied looking at you sorrowfully, “So was I” you heard Tony say behind you. You looked at Steve pick up an injured Bucky, to be fair all four of you were injured, he then picked up his shield. “You don’t deserve that shield! My father made it!” Tony yelled furiously, you wiped away your tears and moved to help Tony, “You don’t deserve it!” Tony yelled, your back was facing Steve but you heard the metal shield clank loudly on the floor. This was it you said to yourself, you would never forgive Steve Rogers for this. 

You and Tony had returned to the compound, the place was eerily silent, you could feel the different energy around the place, the Avengers were scattered. You were helping Rhodey try to walk, he had taken a nasty fall at the airport causing him to be mostly paralyzed. Tony had gotten a package, he walked into his office, after a few minutes he called you in, “How are you doing?” he asked you. You had cuts and bruises around your face, a big gash on your lip, your body was healing quicker than Tony’s due to you being a Goddess, but you had a scar left from where Bucky had gotten you on your ribs. Mentally you were drained. “I’m hanging in there Tony” you faintly smiled at him, “You?”, “Ehhh could be worse....Rogers sent the package” he said showing you a phone and a letter, “Ohhhh the famous love letter” you teased, causing Tony to chuckle, “Don’t do that, my entire body hurts by laughing” he said, “And MINE doesn’t?”, “Oh come on you’re a strong....woman” he said, you were both silent for a few moments looking at each other, “I appreciate you having my back” Tony shared, “Any time Tony”, “He wrote you a ‘love’ letter too” he added, you rolled your eyes thinking he was kidding but he then handed you an enveloped with your name on it. You looked at Tony grabbing the letter from his hand, you opened it slightly but stopped yourself, “You know what, I don’t care. I will never accept his apology because no matter what his actions showed otherwise, I will never forget that” you said to him while ripping the letter into two pieces. Tony nodded, “Look Tony, you need to fix this with Pepper, I gotta go” you said, “Europe?” he asked, “Yes, I’ll be waiting for my invitation in the mail” you replied, you walked up to Tony giving him a kiss on his cheek, “If you need me, you know where I’ll be” you said and with that you walked out the door to find a new adventure. You didn’t think you would see Bucky or Steve ever again, or so you thought.

[olde-scratch]

So I watched LUCIDS 1-4 without any prior knowledge...

and here were my thoughts. I didn’t watch any backstory or anything so enjoy my suffering.

PART 1

“So what happens when the people inside of their dreams go to sleep?” They die

“What happens when we wake up? Do they go on living while we’re not there?” THEY DIE-

“Who are they anyway?” they’re faces that our brain catalogs and stores for later use, although it’s also arguable that every time we dream we go to an alternate reality and inhabit the body of another version of ourselves. Now, were you in a car accident and trapped underwater or-

Are they twins?

(Me tuning out to do something)

“-the squirrel in spongebob was your soulmate, making you a Sandy simp-”

Me, snapping back to the video: hold up-

[missed the part about the worksheet, realized it when i rewatched 10 mins later to make this post]

yall speakin gibberish idk what youre saying-

“I’m gonna go to bed.” bro it literally looks like morning-

“You should get some sleep you look terrible.” i get six hours of sleep a night minimum and i look worse than him shut up bro-

“jump into someone else’s dream” ah i know this con-

why they all got the same face-

haha funni meme

“--an interruptiion can create feedback and tear them apart.” Death. I long for thee.

Is that Karl Jacob’s jacket?

“a second grader” makes me think this is a different school system. [i was wrong? i think?]

“[get him to] eat your apple”

[in the dream sequence] weird dream, but ive had weirder. now, Why Pamper’s-

why does he suddenly have a knife-

“You put a filter on the Dreamscape feed?”

“Technically, you are seven years old.”

???????????

the second hand embarrassment is UGGGHHH

[reading the description] you mean like the guy who was knocked out for 2 minutes on a football field and woke to find he’d dreamt 17 years of his life? oh this shall be Fun

PART 2

[I check the description] “jasper cult” what the fu-

how many camp camp references can i make during this

Is the apple a reference to religion or does the creator just really ilke apples?

“meal.”

“meal?”

meal????

Wait why couldn’t that guy eat the apple? If he wanted it in the fruit bowl, wouldn’t there be a chance of the guy eating it anyways?? Why can’t the guy who brought the apple eat it?

well he’s Dead

[debating if I should read the backstory}

n a h h h h h -

Was he gonna feed the dead guy the apple or something? Why is he upset about the apple in this scene???

oooo the grownups are fightinnnngggg

Is he an antagonist?

HE WROTE A BOOK???

oh now i want food

ESTABLISH JUSTICE ENSURE DOMESTIC TRANQUILITYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“I watched all those aforementioned shows” what shows did i miss something what-

man why you gotta hate on her jane austen fanfic let her live bro

string theory! i can get behind that! sorta-

o no he found the memes-

BOY GOT KNOCKED OUT-

kim there’s people that are dying-

is SHE an antagonist?

quinn? calling himself jasper? u sure hes not just nonbinary? is this just a metaphor for transphobic parenting?

“He died... but somewhere, he grew up.” So is your plan to take a Quinn from a different universe and make him your own, thereby robbing another version of yourself from happiness? When does this ever go well?

Yknow most people, when they lose a kid,,,, kinda,,,,,,, dont go on a ceaseless quest to find another version of their kid that grew up without knowing that another version of his mother was invading other peoples’ dreams to find and kidnap him,,,,,,,, like aint u got a therapist-

“Once you get past the point of not knowing what’s real anymore, you realize it doesn’t matter.” Well, I Got Called Out-

PART 3

“you’re real, oliver.”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

“you’ve been infected by the anti-love parasite of Mandadon” the amatonormativity is strong

so anyways ive been infected since birth hbu-

“James Jasperson, creator of Japple” did you mean to Fancy Well-Educated Man in a Black Turtleneck? cause the only FWEMBT i allow near me is prof. hidgens

“are you winning?” says the capitalist

why did you rewind to see his face?? you have the same face????? is this just bc the creator doesnt like working with other people cause in that case same but???????

“it’s a bad idea. i’m not gonna do it.” we’ve all been there. and we’ve all done it.

looks like me trying to study. (i say, a person who has studied a total of five minutes throughout their entire life.)

your “Spartan trial” looks like a bunch of guys standing on a hill pretending to be something they’re not. Let The Man Bring His Snacks.

eat the apple.

is this your first existential crisis or something what a loser lets all point and laugh

“One of you should be spared, the other shall’nt.” did you mean shant or was that a choice-

yall gonna get called out for talking shut UP

“sorry if this is too personal, btw. are you okay?”

me, confused and half understanding what’s going on and also needing to sleep cause its almost one in the morning but wanting to finish what i can find of lucids which i only starting watching cause i saw an animatic of ranboo and dream w audio from it: i don’t know anymore

“i just want my life back... i was gonna get married-” AREN’T YOU LIKE SEVEN-

ay man if this is a sacrificial cult yall gotta get daniel-

UPDATE: I  H A V E  N O T  F O U N D  I T -

“oliver”

I  F O U N D   I  T -

WHICH ONE IS QUINN?? WHO’S JASPER???? WHICH ONE IS BENJAMIN???? I THOUGH BENJAMIN WAS SEVEN BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED WHAT-

oliver. eat the apple.

“Can you still have memories even when you’re dreaming?” One time I woke up to my alarm and fell back asleep and in my dream I remembered that I had class in a few minutes and my dream self woke my real self up so fast I thought I was gonna get whiplash. Anyways, I was late to class bc of my computer but that doesn’t matter.

NOPE I FOUND IT. HERE’S THE AUDIO. THE ANIMATIC ONE. FINALLY.

im thinking car crash. but also maybe murder. but also maybe both? is it raining or was he drowning? is he in a coma? hmmmmmm?

wait olivers the one with the apple does that mean he’s the one dreaming? is the ending gonna be him and jasper (quinn? idk) fighting against ben and mrs hills about jasper eating the apple to save oliver from the dream? hmmmmmmmmmm-

waitwaitwait i thought oliver was 7 how is benjamin 7 years younger than him if they look the same age what what what explain america explain what you mean arkansaw-

are the cuts on his nose plot-relevant or

“What if you hadn’t been driving?” So I was right about the car accident but Mrs. Hills still said he was seven so did i mishear her say that BENJAMIN was seven? but even then oliver would be 14 and that would still be illegal-

“How are you feeling?”

“Like you’re a pretty bad therapist.”

mood

“--it makes it all bearable to have power over the stories we write in our heads” that’s why i write fanfiction

HE’S GOT THE NOTEBOOK HE’S GONNA WRITE SOMETHING ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US

WHAT YOU MEAN AN EXPERIMENT THAT’S HIS NAME-

[upon reading the description] so i was right.

wait was that supposed to be the twist in part 2 about the apple in his pocket is that what the existential crisis was about i thought it was because he was introduced to the multiple worlds theory-

PART 4

wait wasnt the other one january 2018 why we going back to 2017-

appol

“--the future and the past all already exist” mhm yep figured this out long ago

there was simultaneously a point in time in which i hadn’t known about this, had been looking it up, had been watching it, and had been writing an ending to this post, and had been posting it the next morning before class. that time is both now and not now. Welcome To The Multiverse Theory or whatever its called-

“--my favorite scene of the movie is waking up next to you.” Mine is eating fast food as I listen to AJJ and play Minecraft. We are not the same.

Now I’m hungry but it’s 1 in the morning and i already put my retainer in god fu-

[reading description] what do you mean previously??? she did that in the first episode????????

[still on description] WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILL QUINN BITE THE APPLE AND GO TO BENJAMINS REALITY ISNT THIS OLIVERS REALITY AND HE HAS TO GET BEN TO BITE THE APPLE WHY IS APPLE CAPITALIZED IS THIS THE DOING OF THE FWEMBT

i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have watched the backstory i should have wa-

[description] oh ive been spelling quinn right the whole time nice

i hope she rejects you /j

WAIT BENJAMIN WAS THE ONE GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE

ISNT HE IN SECOND GRADE-

HE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD HOW IS HE GETTING MARRIED ARE THERE TWO BENJAMINS THAT WE’RE FOCUSING ON-

bro get out of the road ull get hit

how do you knOW WHICH ONE IS QUINN THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON-

so

wait

hills wants ben to feed quinn the apple bc in his mind, that will give hills and quinn a happy ending and she doesnt want ben to see the apple bc thats gonna mean ben will know that his reality isnt reality at all. so then oliver has to,,,, not let anyone eat his apple? he just has to wake up?

IS HILLS THE VILLAIN AFTER ALL ORRRRR

wait but if ben sees the apple wont he realize that his reality is wrong and his reality will change, making it so that hills doesnt get her son? or is there some time-based rule that says they’re only transported to the reality that the person believes at that moment? or is this another stab at the multiverse thing where an infinite amount of hills gets their happy endings while an infinite amount of hills doesnt and etc etc?

i should have watched the ba-

oooo dramatique

they’re in a time loop?

nope thats a new powerpoint

wait so theyre,,,, no-

wait-

nvm-

IS THE BEN WE KNOW AN ADULT GETTING MARRIED TO ISABELLE OR NOT-

“they were actually pretty nice” didnt they throw someone off a cliff-

oh so it got confusing THEN??? NOT BEFORE?????

“it all seemed so real.” is that Not the point of vivid REM sleep hallucinations-

is oliver gonna show ben the apple and ruin hills’ whole operation

WHO ARE ALEX AND RYAN-

“what’s 25-8″ bro dont do this to me-

yep hes gonna show the apple

ayyy the guy who stole karl jacobs jacket it back

the second hand embarrassment is back and I Hate It

all that happens in episode ONE??? bro get some better writers that is bad pacing

“it’s the best!” wait until season eight. no show has a good season eight.

quinn knows about the apple thing w the dreams and multiverse and realities dont he

YOU KILLED HIM

NOT KARL JACOBS NOOOOO HES ALREADY DIED ONCE

oliver is v relatable

wHaT iN tArNaTiOn-

lemme hear that explanaton again-

is bill cipher gonna show up? i hope bill cipher shows up. i miss gravity falls

“ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” moooooooood

did hills murder quinn

is your family the jasper cult

TOXXIICCCCCC get that lady out of your life quinn that is so toxic

“ ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!  ah! a tree! ah! a tree! ah a tree!” mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S THE END NO WHAT WHY NO

The Adventures of Benjamin and Oliver

he is Not Good

ope-

wait so ben is equal parts an adult AND a child?? okay that clears a lot up

I MEAN HE WAS RIGHT THO BEN U CAN’T REALLY ARGUE ON THAT-

ew get off the floor

butterfly effect, multiverse theory, memory decay, and your imagination ALL exist yall gonna ignore that cause you wanna be famous?

“We already know what the future looks like!”

aRe yOu sUrE aBoUt tHaT-

to add to the list of bad things: Cats (2019)

YA BOI THINKS IT’S NOT ALREADY FIFTY YEARS TOO LATE TO START FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE FFFFF

BINGO BABYYYY

get what what

what mapped-

awwwww he thinks THEY’RE creating the multiverse

you gonna dismiss the multiverse theory bc of something you created in your current reality? loooserrrrrr

ABUSE YOUR GODLIKE POWERS

she draggin that seven year old

a lot makes sense now why didnt i do this first-

Jasper

the food shortages-

bro that calculators like 90 bucks at walmart

imagine meeting a stranger and they know Everything about your life like that’s gotta be so weird

what’s even weirder is them telling you you’re the deity of a cult that sacrifices animals

THAT FOURTH WALL BREAK WAS-

KARL JACOBS IS DEAD NOOOOOO

ooohhh there’s context for that

OOOOHHHH THERE’S CONTEXT FOR THIS TOOOO

w h a t -

w  h  a  t  -

W   H   A   T   -

Conclusion:

it’s 2 in the morning and i need sleep but hOOOOO MY GODS THAT WAS GOOD IS IT OVER OR NOT IDK ANYMORE IM TIRED THAT WAS CRAZY I HOPE QUINN AND JASPER GO ON TO BE VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND I HOPE BENJAMIN AND OLIVER STAY VERY GOOD FRIENDS AND I HOPE HILLS FINDS A THERAPIST WAS A LITTLE CONFUSING BUT I ENJOYED IT

if i dream about apples im suing /j /lh

[in-tua-deep]

tua s1 rewatch - end

Less bc I am tired

Episode 8

I still have no idea how old Claire is supposed to be

Honestly Patrick was like... the first person who enforced boundaries and enacted consequences on Allison tbh and she didn’t even hesitate to use her powers even though they’d clearly discussed it before

I heard a rUMOR YOU LIKE BROCOLI?? WHICH SIBLING DID SHE USE THAT ON?

Roommate making the realization face about Leonard’s new prosthetic eye

Vanya our here like “my teen bullshit actually has a body count” a la heathers

Klaus not remembering his first is depressing but given by the fact that luther seemed surprised a girl was in his bed and had to check if he was naked indicates that,,, luther doesn’t remember his first either

Five knows EXACTLY where the aspirin in... buddy tell me you are taking stronger pain meds when you are getting shot and knifed

Pogo out here like “it was a difficult choice for both of us” like grace had a choice at all considering her programming was literally altered

I agree with luther tbh “there’s always a choice” damn

Tag yourself I’m five with his head in his hands with probably a killer headache

Leonard: it’s not your fault what happened to those guys

Roommate: yeah dude I’m pretty sure it’s yours

I love Agnes bless

The Netflix subtitles spell oof as ouf and idk what to do with that

Roommate theorizes that tua takes place in New York with the evidence that the cop dude says that Diego is being transferred up state and New Yorkers say that

Babie Vanya looks like kids I know tbh

Leonard keeps looking more unhinged and awful the longer I look at him tbh

Vanya gives Reginald one (1) tiny scratch and he decides to drug her and emotionally abuse her for the rest of her life :/

Five limping into the bar: CONTINUITY

Luther really said “hmm think I will launch into a depressive episode”

Maybe cha cha should take a nap and then maybe she’d calm down instead of bloWING UP GRIDDYS I forgot she did that

Sergeant cheDDAR I forgot his name was fucking CHEDDAR - all I can think about is the dog from b99

Vanya blease your boyfriend is a serial killer

Okay Leonard was definitively and canonically thirteen for the murder of his father

Vanya out here with her chemicals being WACK bc of cold turkey quitting her whole ass meds designed to numb her emotions like ouch

But also Allison is this the right time to tell ur sister that you were used to erase every shred of self confidence she ever had and also make you forget her cool ass powers

Vanya be like “look me in the eye and tell me you’re not threatened now” like yeAH VANYA YOURE BEING PRETTY DAMN THREATENING RIGHT NOW

Episode nine (I think?? I didn’t realize where the episodes switched over)

Leonard has directly killed at least three people so far but one (his dad) definitely deserved it and indirectly killed at least two more

She doesn’t even really get scOLDED FOR KILLING THE NANNIES JUST HER NAME IN A FIRM TONE NO FUCKING WONDER SHE KEPT ON KILLING

Huh does that mean vanyas body count is higher than Leonard’s?? There were at least three dead nannies and she killed those two dudes as well 🤔

Five doesn’t even bother insisting on volunteering bc he is thirteen and has also already lost a lot of blood I mean seriously

The whole making klaus get up by throwing a knife at him... sibling moon although Diego has a lot better aim than MY sister who always managed to hit me in the face with anything she threw at me :/

Leonard is poking the bear here and I really don’t know what he expected when vanya straight up kills him

“I really don’t know what he expected to get out of that.” -roommate

Aannnndddd check for five again on the “klaus heart to heart” list with that addiction discussion

Five is SO BEYOND giving a fuck by the time hazel shows up and five offers him a margherita ... he can’t even be bothered to get up and interfere with Diego and hazel

Though to be fair five does have a GUT WOUND so smashing a bowl over their heads is valid

Roommate: more scripts need to have hugs in them

Me: ...not this one

Roommate: w,, why. Why. You find out your sister has powers and instead of being a reasonable person you choke her

I’m blaming pogo for this as well because luther wouldn’t have known about the basement soundproof vault that luther put her in :/

Like pogo painted the WORST picture and told them about the people she killed and everything which informed luthers decision to lock her up which,, Vanya was a little kid with no real concept of death

“Maybe while he’s here he can pick up something new to wear” - roommate while five dropped Dolores off at the department store

Luther isn’t guarding Vanyas cell 24/7,,, the others could have done something or like?? At least stayed down there with her? So she isn’t horrifyingly alone thinking she’s been left to die?

Episode ten

I erased reginalds weird alien origins from my mind honestly because... I just don’t care about him. Like. At all? Fuck this man I wish he didn’t exist in s2 :/

The mansion really do be a walking house of triggers for Vanya huh

“I’m going to posit something. Pogo has no culpability as a being of his own free will, he’s just a second hargreeves. He’s just a second pair of hands to what hargreeves intended. He’s just a walking mouthpiece.” - roommate but that’s okay because I hate Reginald more than I hate pogo actually

I’m okay with pogo dying tbh and even the roommate isn’t exactly torn up about it

Goodbye mansion

Me, remembering this is the last episode: it’s been 84 years...

Five coming in late to find the academy in rubble like :0

Wow I still really hate the handler speaking Yiddish and the unfortunate implications that it has, just in general

“I have to respect she went home to change into formal wear and apply eye liner before ending the world” - roommate on Vanyas concert outfit

I’m amused by the bowling and the shoes but sad about the content :(

Five this is what you get from accepting candy from creepy women honestly

He just DITCHES

Why is Allison even salty at luther for sleeping with a girl. She MARRIED a man and had a child and Luther wasn’t salty I don’t think?

I feel like the handler could have kept five there for way longer before he caught on tbh

Agnes has had... a day

Luther and Diego are DUMBASSES

Ben taking care of BUSINESS

Roommate has questions about when exactly Vanya was photographed to put into the promotional material for the concert and honestly?? Now I do as well especially since they established Vanyas suit was at her apartment

“IS THAT A SUPER POWER INDUCED COSTUME CHANGE? Ya love to see it” roommate on Vanyas white outfit

Five really didn’t need to jump and also like BRO HE HAS A SHRAPNEL WOUND

Oh we can’t let Allison do any heavy lifting bc of her throat

Five has a GUT WOUND

As someone who had appendicitis and had to get that shit our gut surgery fucking sucks I couldn’t do shit for like a week and a half

Sibling energy is immediately rejecting fives plan then being like “okay what is it”

Their fucking bowling shoes I’m still yelling about it

THE END

and a picture of my cat bc i accidentally put it in here so enjoy a mia

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Wedding Job

leverage 1.07

Nate: No. No, it's-it's not right. But, you know, uh, we're not detectives. And if you want to prove your husband's innocence, there are plenty of agencies I could recommend.

eliot and hardison share tired, annoyed looks and I felt that in my soul

- - - - - 

Teresa: I understand. Thank you. Where did my daughter go?

Hardison:I think she was with Parker.

(Parker is teaching the little girl how to pick locks)

Parker: Go! 

(they both begin to work on the locks, after a few seconds, the girl gets hers open)

Parker: 6 seconds! Give it up! Good job.

parker can be good with kids and it’s adorable

- - - - - 

Hardison: Just take the mob out of it.

Nate: What? Take the mob out of it?

Hardison: Hear me out. Isn't this just a breach of contract?

Eliot: These guys had a deal, right? And your boy, Ray, he lived up to his end, but Moscone didn't. And for that, there's not a court of law in this world this lady can go to.

Parker: Which is exactly the kind of case we take

the ot3 immediately jumping in to support sophie’s idea

- - - - - 

Hardison: We can't. That thing's a fortress, man. I clocked four armed guards, a Tikva security system. That thing's Israeli-Made. It's used to protect their military bases. It's unhackable. Oh, and then there's the FBI parked around the corner.

Parker: FBI? Where? (looking through camera lens)

Hardison: You see that crappy van that says "plumber"?

Sophie: Did you say "plumber"? That's their cover? Oh, that is so cute. It's like it's 1978 all over again

- - - - - 

Parker: I saw some rubber gloves. What do you do with those?

McSweeten: Oh, actually, we've just been kind of blowing them up and playing volleyball. But, uh, yeah, if we need to do any kind of investigation…

big boredom during quarantine mood

- - - - - 

eliot being proud of the one (1) thing he did on the computer 

- - - - - 

parker winked at mcsweeten that poor boy, I’d be smitten too

+

fic writers get on this, parker smells like jasmine

- - - - - 

Hardison: All you have to do is rip them on my flash drive and run.

[FBI Offices]

(Eliot closes the door)

Eliot: I don't have to type anything, right?

[Leverage Headquarters]

Hardison: No, just plug it in. It does the rest.

Eliot: All right, 'cause you know I just learned the Photoshop thing you told me.

Hardison: I-I know. Baby steps.

[FBI Offices]

Eliot: So I just plug it in.

(Eliot forces open a set of cabinet doors and they open, revealing stacks of cassette tapes. He looks at the flash drive in his hand)

[Leverage Headquarters]

Hardison: Now, audio files, they can take a little while to run, but, uh, the servers are pretty loud, so that should give you some cover.

[FBI Offices]

Eliot: It's tapes.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Hardison: Wha-hold, wait. Did y-you just say "tapes"?

Eliot: I just said "tapes"!

Hardison: Cassette tapes?

[FBI Offices]

(Eliot picks up a cassette case and taps it with the flash drive)

Eliot: Your little thing, it's not gonna work.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Hardison: But at least you ain't got to type nothing.

[FBI Offices]

Eliot: Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a boxful of surveillance tapes, huh?

[Leverage Headquarters]

Hardison: Punch somebody.

[FBI Offices]

Eliot: Oh, I’m gonna punch somebody

- - - - - 

Nate: Can you break the codes?

Hardison: The codes? The codes to the Cayman Bank and Trust, where the Cali cartel and the African dictators keep all their dirty money? The ones that Moscone changes anytime he damn well pleases? Like, it's-c-come on. Dude, are you kidding me?

Nate: You know, you're-you're very negative lately. 

Eliot: Yeah. 

Nate: And the sass, it doesn't-doesn't help.

bruh lay off hardison

- - - - - 

[audio of mob family fighting playing off of hardison’s computer]

Sophie: It's a bit like an opera, isn't it?

Eliot: You mean 'cause I want to run away

- - - - - 

Nate: Sophie. Where are we at?

Sophie: Huh? I don't know, Nate. I think you need to ask yourself that question. You called me, remember? And now we're working together every day. I don't know what you want. And to ask me that dressed like a vicar? You're a very strange man.

Nate: No, no, no. I meant where are we at with finding the money?

Sophie: Oh.

chaotic sophienate 

- - - - - 

Nate: How are we doing? How's the search?

Eliot (chopping vegetables): I haven't started yet.

Nate: Okay, you know, I haven't gotten one answer I was looking for today. What is it that you're doing? What's going on?

Eliot: I'm cutting onion, deveining shrimp, uh, pan-searing some scallops. I've got 200 people I got to feed, all right? Back off.

Nate: Okay, okay. Hmm.

Eliot: What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?

Nate: No, well, yeah.

Eliot (demonstrating): Look, hold a knife like this, cuts through an onion. Hold a knife like this, cuts through, like, eight yakuza in 4 seconds. Screams, carnage. People are like knives. Everything is in context.

Heather (enters): Okay, hors d'oeuvres.

Eliot: Yes, ma'am. Stuffed mushrooms, pine nuts, kiss of basil, some sun-dried tomatoes, and the finishing touch, lemon juice. (gives her bite)

Heather (spits it out): Does this look like a food court? Does it? I want high-End food - High-End! What are you— (walks out)

(Eliot starts to go after her with the knife, Nate stops him)

Eliot: I know.

NEVER GET BETWEEN ELIOT AND HIS FOOD

also, eliot only becoming murderous when someone insults his food? iconic

- - - - - 

Sophie (to bridesmaid): You look lovely.

Cindy: You don't think it makes me look fat?

Parker: Oh, definitely. I mean, why do you think I had to let out the waist? To make you look less skinny?

Sophie: She... she didn't mean that.

Heather: Oh, suck it up, Cindy. You'll be fine.

if someone did this to me I would c r y and that’s the truth lmfao

- - - - - 

the ot3 eating pizza and laughing as nate verbally fucks himself over with sophie lmao

- - - - - 

Hardison: Yo. No way in hell I could ever imagine getting married. I mean, it's just - It's just a piece of paper.

(Eliot, eating an apple, looks at Hardison)

Hardison: I take it you've never been married.

Eliot: No.

Hardison: Ever come close?

Eliot: No.

Hardison: What was her name?

Eliot: It was a girl I grew up with. But anyway, she married somebody else, so...

Hardison: Hot-hot damn, what did you do?

Eliot: What did I do? I liberated Croatia. (leaves)

Hardison: Oh, see, now, me, I would have just got fat and started up a comic-Book shop. That's you and me right there.

relationship foreshadowing in s1 we love to see it

- - - - - 

Hardison: Now, I know that you're in charge of the bridesmaids' dresses, but why are you wearing one?

Parker: A bridesmaid's dress is like an all-access pass at a wedding. Plus, I kind of said something, and the maid of honor cried. And Sophie said I should make it up to her. 

Hardison: By looking much, much better in the same dress? Yeah, you let me know how that goes.

Parker: Hmm, you really think I look good?

Hardison (pinning flowers on her dress): And now you're perfect

they’re BABIES your honor

- - - - - 

(of course the trashy mom wears a sparkly white dress to her daughter’s wedding) 

- - - - - 

(Eliot walks up to the rest of the team)

Eliot: What is it? I got bacon on.

Parker: The Butcher is here.

Eliot: Does he have the baby lamb chops?

Hardison: No. The butcher of Kiev.

Nate: Think he'll recognize you?

[Flashback]

(flames surrounding them, the Butcher has Eliot by the neck and is trying to cut him with a meat cleaver. Eliot is barely holding him off)

Butcher: I kill you!

[Exterior House]

Eliot: Yeah, I think he'd remember me

I live for wacky eliot flashbacks

- - - - - 

Nate: You're staying? Sophie, Sophie, it's the Butcher of Kiev.

Hardison: Have you ever been to Kiev? The cake-maker of Kiev would whup all our ass. This is the butcher.

Sophie: Uh-Huh.

this isn’t that notable, but it’s funny

- - - - - 

parker smushed up against the glass door ,,, just imagine if anyone saw that lmao

- - - - - 

eliot using a frying pan to fight the butcher of kiev,,, iconique

- - - - - 

we need to start making a list of things that are Specifically Not Weapons™ that eliot uses as weapons:

for this episode, a frying pan, a whisk, an appetizer platter, the platter itself 

- - - - - 

Hardison (eating appetizer): This is pretty good, man.

Eliot: Thanks, man. I squeeze, like, fresh lemon juice on it.

Hardison: Cool. Cool.

(they follow Nate out of the kitchen)

eliot is so genuinely happy when someone finally appreciates his food, you can see it in his face ,,, he starts to love hardison just a little bit for that

- - - - - 

Nate: Did you clear out Moscone’s accounts?

Hardison: I left him five dollars for socks

we love the team being petty

- - - - - 

the girl immediately jumped into parker’s lap at the restaurant I’m soft

- - - - - 

soft chef eliot serving his -friends- family is everything 

- - - - - 

I understand that this was technically supposed to be the third episode, so this would have been their first meal as a family and I stan them so hard for it

[downwiththeficness]

A Need So Great-Chapter 14

Summary: Eva Moore is assigned to work the last year of her contract with the DEA in Colombia. She just wants to get to the end of her tenure, but she keeps getting drawn further into a string of murders in the city. It isn’t long before she’s forced to face the ghosts of her past.

Word Count: ~3,300

Warnings: Smut

A/N: For the purposes of this story, Carrillo isn’t married--or, if you like, divorced. A/B/O dynamics are prevalent, and they come with their own warning. The overall rating for this story is Explicit, although not every chapter will contain adult themes.

Taglist: @dirtynerdy98 @1zashreena1 @heresathreebee @deliciouslyclassytrash @maybege @kid-from-new-zealand @clydesducktape @revolution-starter @autumnleaves1991-blog @jedi-mando @buckysalefty @anaeve

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8.5, 9, 10, 10.5, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

The ocean was huge. Wind blowing her hair around her face as Eva sat on the cliff’s edge, her feet swinging. The waves were rushing towards her, the tide coming in. She could taste salt in the air, could feel a light spray even from this height. This was really, really nice.

Footsteps sounded behind her, Horacio ambling up the slight incline. He was wearing a t shirt and jeans, a far cry from his normal attire. Eva admired the way the denim clung to his legs, the shirt stretching to accommodate the breadth of his body. She gave him a little wave before turning her attention back to the water. He sat down next to her. They had spent almost a week at the house, their existence a soft moseying pace that belied the very real danger to their lives.

“Do you come here a lot?”

He shook his head, “I used to, back before I took the badge. The work kind of got in the way of taking any time off.”

She had seen that first hand, could tell that he was desperately soaking up the softness of this little hideaway, storing it for when he needed it most. Tucked away as they were, Eva could almost forget all of the turmoil waiting for them when they returned. She imagined he felt nearly the same way.

“Shame that you’re here under these circumstances.  This is a nice place.”

Eva could see him look at her from the corner of her eye. He placed a hand atop hers, “Its not a shame, just a compromise.”

Her mouth thinned, “Still…” She trailed off, not sure where she was going with the sentence.

He squeezed her hand, “Up. Dinner’s ready.”

Eva was not much of a cook, though she was pretty good at making staple foods.  Horacio, on the other hand, clearly learned something from his mother. The way he handled himself in the kitchen was much like he did at work—mission oriented. Eva would sometimes sit at the dining table and flip through an old magazine, not really reading it.  She like to watch him move around, a knife in hand to chop vegetables, or flipping over meat in the pan to brown it.

Today’s meal was a stuffed pepper, spices wafted in the air. He’d made rice to go alongside it. From the cellar, he’d pulled a bottle of wine, two glasses already waiting at their usual spots. Eva couldn’t keep the smile off her face as she sat down.  He’d already plated their food and she leaned down, inhaling.  

“This looks amazing,” she murmured, picking up her fork, “Thank you.”

He made a non-committal sound, as he usually did when she complimented him on his cooking. She cast him a long glance, noting that he was avoiding her gaze by pouring the wine. He did that a lot, took the praise she gave him and pulled it inside himself. She could tell he was pleased by the little flush across his cheeks, but other than that, it was as if he hadn’t heard her. She wondered if that was a product of his life—couldn’t be too eager for approval.

After dinner, Horacio left her on the couch to do a walk of the perimeter, as he did every evening before they locked up. It would take one of his patented interrogation techniques to get her to admit how attractive it was to watch him load a rifle and take the path around the house and out towards the woods.

He would be gone for an hour or so, depending on what he decided needed further investigation. Eva passed the time by taking a long shower and reading yet another way too old magazine in bed. The bedroom windows were open and the breeze was carrying the smell of the ocean inside.

The sun was almost set when he came back, moving into the bedroom and storing the rifle in a case that he kept laying on the chest at the foot of the bed. He straightened and looked at her for a long moment.

“What?” she asked, feeling anxious under his steady stare.

His expression softened, “I like you like this.”

Laughing softly, she lifted a brow, “You mean wearing a t shirt I’ve owned for five years and my hair still wet because I couldn’t be bothered to dry it?”

The corner of his mouth quirked up, “I mean relaxed.”

Eva supposed that she was relaxed, though she had every reason not to be. She liked him relaxed, too.

“I feel safe.”

Jaw going lax, he regarded her for a few more seconds before giving a curt nod and turn, “I’m gonna get cleaned up.”

Eva noticed that he took a little longer in the shower than usual, had done so since they got to the safe house.  She tried not to read into it too deeply, knowing that he was off his schedule. And, everyone needed alone time.

When he left the bathroom, steam billowed out behind him, carrying the scent of his body wash. He was wearing his usual boxer briefs in a deep maroon. It was a good color for him, accenting the warm undertones of his skin. She stared at him, unabashed, and wondered how she’d gotten so lucky as to share a bed with such a beautiful man.

“What?” he asked, noting her look as he crawled in beside her to lay on top of the covers.

Eva set her magazine on the night stand and rolled to her side, bracing on her palm so that she hovered above his prone body.

“I like you like this.”

In the next second, Eva got to see those adorable dimples, his teeth flashing as he smiled. She leaned down and kissed him affectionately.

When he spoke next, his voice reverberated against her ear where it lay on his chest. He toyed with her hand, threading his fingers through it.

“We’ve come a long way these last few months.”

She hummed, nodding. His hand was calloused in a few places, the longer fingers curling over her palm. Her hand looked small when he held it, her wrist even smaller, her forearm positively tiny when compared to his.

“I never would have guessed after that meeting that I’d get to bring you here.”

Eva grinned, looking up at him, “I was a fucking mess after that meeting. I hope you know that.”

The features of his face tightened in a peculiar way, an involuntary twitch.

Eva’s grin widened, “That was an inside thought.”

Laughing, Horacio admitted, “It was.”

“Tell me.”

He started to shake his head, but Eva shifted to her belly, resting her weight on one elbow. She said his name in four long, drawn out, teasing syllables.

Pulling his lips between his teeth and releasing them, he simply said, “I was also a fucking mess.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he echoed, one hand coming up to run over his face, top to bottom. He covered his eyes, chin tilting up, “I…” deep sigh, “I went into rut after that meeting.”

Her brows hit her hairline, “Really?”

He dropped his hand to the pillow beside his head, the fingers relaxed, “I told you it took less than twenty four hours for me to start trying to figure out how to see you again.”

“Yeah,” Eva confirmed, “But I assumed you were just, I don’t know, thinking about me.”

Smirking, he said, “Oh, I was.”

Her breath caught a little bit, arousal blooming in her belly as she imagined him in rut, helplessly trying to get off as he thought about her.

Voice dropping low, Eva prompted, “Really?”

His eyes darkened as he tucked her hair behind her ear, “I barely made it home before I—I didn’t even get past the front door. Just dropped down to the floor and thought about how delicious you smelled, the things I wanted to do to you.”

Blood heating in her veins, Eva swallowed around a dry throat, “What kinds of things?”

Horacio’s arm tightened around her, his eyes dropping to her mouth, “That I wanted to kiss you. That I should have thrown you down on that table in front of that idiot manager and fucked you through at least three orgasms.”

Her breath left her in a rush. She worked hard to keep herself calm. He didn’t talk that much about his fantasies, and she was desperate to hear more from him. Eva did not want to interrupt.

She kissed him softly in encouragement, “What else?”

Breathing her name, he ran his thumb over her mouth, “I could scent that you were aroused when you sat down. I wanted to lick that sweetness from the source, use my fingers to scoop it out of you. I spent hours imaging what it would be like to pull your legs over my shoulders and kiss this pretty pussy.”

The fingers of one of his hands had traced up her inner thigh in a lazy caress. He cupped her, massaging very gently. She gasped lifting her leg over his hip to open up for him.

“We’re very lucky you haven’t had a heat cycle yet. Given how I was in my last rut, I’d probably lose my fucking mind.”

Eva flinched, feeling guilty.

“What was that?” he asked, head lifting off the pillow to regard her closely.

She floundered, trying to come up with a suitable lie.

“Eva,” he warned, “What was that?”

Voice small, she said, “I’ve had a heat recently.”

His head cocked to the side, “Before we met?”

She shook her head, “No it was after we met, after we started seeing each other.”

He blinked, “That’s impossible, I would have known.”

Unable to keep eye contact she admitted, “You weren’t there. It was when you were gone for that mission.”

He processed that for several seconds, his eyes narrowing more and more, “Your voice was strange on the phone.”

Eva nodded, “I was on the upswing of it. It got...more interesting over the next few days.”

Horacio’s brows furrowed, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Eva was torn by the honest, confused expression he was giving her, as if he couldn’t even fathom that she’d hide it from him. Guilty, she offered the only explanation she had.

“You were so excited. You said you thought you had a real chance at ending the whole cartel. How could I take that away from you? Especially since we’d only slept together a handful of times. It would have been selfish to ask you to set that aside for me.”

Stop talking, Eva, she thought.

Pushing off with one hand, he rolled her beneath him, resting his weight on his palms. Eva looked up at him silently, trying to gauge his thoughts.

“You’re not going to do that again,” he asserted, the muscles in his jaw ticking, “I will be with you during your next heat, no matter what is going on at the office.”

Lifting a hand, Eva brushed his cheek, his stubble scratching a little.  Since they’d come out here, he hadn’t been shaving every day and she found that she liked that he had something more than a five ‘o clock shadow.

“I’m going to need verbal agreement on this, Eva.”

“Okay,” she replied. “I’ll tell you next time.”

“Good.” He dropped to his elbows, resting a little more of his weight on her, “Now, I told you mine. Its your turn to tell me yours.”

Eva’s face went red hot, heat soaking every pore. Her eyes slid to the side as she contemplated how much information she was going to give him about a heat that she had only a moment ago admitted that she’d had.

Moving in close, his voice a deep rasp, he ordered, “Dime, amorcita. How did you get through it?”

She sucked in a breath, her body curling into him a little bit.  When she tried to rise up to kiss him, he used one hand to hold her down to the mattress, his chin canted down.

Eva’s mind flashed back to that day, her body clenching as she remembered the rush of pleasure, the cramps of pain when she couldn’t assuage the need.

“I slept some, woke up coming. My skin was too sensitive. And, at first, I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t until I was on the couch,” she stopped, biting her lip.

Her voice was a raspy thing, the words halting. She cleared her throat, squirming beneath his weight.

Horacio ran a soothing hand down her side, “What happened on the couch?”

“I touched myself, I felt like I would die if I didn’t come.”

Eyes full of fire, he asked, “And, did you make yourself come?”

She nodded.

“How many times?”

“Twice.”

With both hands, he pushed up her t-shirt to rest just underneath her breasts, “What happened next?”

Eva’s fingers curled into fists beside her hips, “You called.”

His eyes shot to hers, “And you lied to me.”

“No,” she cried, “I just...avoided the subject.”

Horacio’s nostrils flared in annoyance, “But, you’re not going to do that again.”

“N—no.”

He gave on sharp nod in acknowledgment of her submission, “Good. What happened after that?”

His hands followed a twin path over her sides to her hips to her thighs, all the way to her knees. Wrapping his hands around them, he pulled them up and over his body, pulling the cradle of her hips into alignment so that she could feel him hardening against her core.

“I had to crawl to the bedroom,” she continued, the flush of her arousal mixing with the feeling of embarrassment. “I didn’t make it to the bed before I had to come again.”

Kissing her collarbone, he asked, “Did you use your fingers?”

She nodded, gripping his biceps for purchase as he scraped his teeth along her skin.

“Did you use your fingers the whole time?”

Swallowing, Eva shook her head, knowing where this was going and completely unable to stop it. He’d gotten into a line of questioning, and she knew he’d see it through to the end.

“What did you use?”

She hesitated long enough that he stopped nuzzling her skin and looked up at her, waiting for an answer. When she didn’t say anything, he moved up her body, kissing her cheek sweetly, then her forehead, her chin, her jaw, everywhere but where she wanted him.

“What did you use?” he repeated, his breath fanning over her lips.

Eva struggled to breathe, “I used a toy—to help.”

Thumb rubbing her bottom lip, eyes focused on that sensitized patch of skin, he asked, “A vibrator?”

She shook her head, tongue peeking out to touch the pad of this thumb, “A dildo.”

With a little groan, he kissed her, putting a little pressure on her jaw so that she would open for him. Pulling in a sharp breath, he leaned back, an arm sneaking around her waist to hold her to him.

“Did it help you get what you needed?”

Again, she shook her head, “It helped some, but I was still hurting through most of it.”

His expression hardened just a bit, a barely perceptible glare. Needing to soothe that ire, Eva reached up with both hands and slid her thumbs into the muscle at the base of his skull, kneading. His eyes closed just a little, jaw relaxing.

“Did it,” he cut himself off with a sigh when she ground a knuckle into the tense muscle. He leaned into it, his head tilting to the side, “Did it have a knot?”

“Yes,” she whispered, biting the inside of her cheek when his hips flexed forward, grinding against her.

He kissed her again, a hard press of his lips, “Did you fuck yourself with it, push it inside you?”

Between kisses, she nodded. The memory of the relieving pressure scoring through her, her body arching up into him.

“But it wasn’t enough.”

It was sentence, a declaration, not a question. He knew it, she knew it.

“No,” she warbled, tilting her hips towards him, hands roaming over his strong shoulders and back, pulling him to her to that the wasn’t an inch between them. “I wanted more. Wanted you.”

In a swift motion, he pulled off her t shirt, throwing it over the side of the bed carelessly. His hands found her breasts, pushing them up to his mouth. Long licks, a pinch of skin, teeth scraping. Eva hissed  a breath, her body fairly vibrating with pleasure.

“You wanted my knot, didn’t you?” When she didn’t reply, he swatted her thigh lightly, drawing her attention, “Didn’t you?”

Her eyes squeezed shut, head thrown back, she made an ‘uh huh’ sound that cracked on the highest pitch.  He was hard against her, his hips rocking in a sharp rhythm that, had he been inside her, would have prodded against her cervix. Sweat beaded on her belly and thighs, pooling in the hollow of her throat. He licked at it, drawing her briefly into his mouth.

“You’d let me do it now, wouldn’t you? Let me knot you in this bed.”

The image seared through her, burning away any restraint she might have had—which was, admittedly, not much to begin with. Feet on the sheets, she used any leverage she could get to put more friction on her cunt, each roll of her hips more frenzied than the last.

“Yes, alpha.”

Growling, Horacio pushed his face into the bend of her neck, hands slipping underneath her and to her shoulders where he held her steady. Mouth opening, he ran his teeth over the long line from shoulder to jaw before settling on the scent gland he’d marked.  Though the bruising had healed, Eva could still see the faint scratch across it where his teeth had dug in. He sucked on it hard, sure enough to leave yet another bruise.

Eva wailed, a broken, sobbing thing, as she came. Nails digging into his back, she bowed up tight.  Distantly, she could heard him praising her, his voice rough.  He let her rut against him until her body eased down from the orgasm, and then he was pushing his briefs down and grasping himself, roughly stroking.

She took in the sight of him, chin down, breathing hard, working to get off. It stunned her how badly she wanted to memorize this moment, and how badly she wanted to seem him come. Both hands caressing downwards, she hooked the fingers of one hand into her panties, pulling them to the side. With two fingers of the other, she slotted them into her folds, opening them up to give him an unobstructed view of how wet he’d made her.

He choked on a gasp, groaning as his fist sped up. It only took a few pumps before he was spilling across her stomach, his head hanging low in relief. When he was spent, he collapsed to his side, trying to catch his breath.

Eva giggled, feeling more than a little lightheaded. He glanced at her, his mouth spreading wide in a smile. He picked up her hand from where it lay at her side, pressing a kiss to the inside of her wrist and holding it to his chest.  She could feel his heart beat beneath his skin, a steadily slowing rhythm.

When he’d calmed a little, he rose and went to the bathroom, bringing a wet cloth to wipe her down. Moving around the room, he closed the windows, locking them tight, before doing the same with the door. After turning off the lights, he eased into the bed and gathered her to his chest.  Eva held his arm to her body, threading her fingers in his.