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shallowseeker · 2 years ago

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Cas vs NIHILISM, part 2:

(Cas and Sam)

///

CUT TO: Ground floor of the cabin. SAM sits down near CASTIEL.

CASTIEL You seem troubled. Of course, that's a primary aspect of your personality, so I sometimes ignore it.

SAM Okay. Um... right now I'm just wondering about you.

CASTIEL What about me? You're worried about the burden I lifted from you.

SAM I think I was done for. Do you see Lucifer?

CASTIEL I did at first. But that was... It was a projection of yours, I think, sort of an aftertaste. Now I more see... well, everything.

This IS a Chuck parallel. It's a God parallel. There's a school of thought that the Universe despairs when it has enough consciousness to perceive itself. It goes mad trying to find meaning in its very existence. When you see everything, you despair and find no meaning.

There's a sort of cosmic horror there, that Chuck himself lives in the shadow of. That is in fact WHY Chuck dons the Chuck mask, desperately trying to be SMALL and hyperfixating on Sam and Dean. This has some...difficult implications for where we leave Jack in season 15.

Amara had Chuck right in that he wanted to be BIG, but he was also trying very desperately to be SMALL, too. He couldn't effectively be either and find peace.

Cas is seeing all of this stuff and seeing that no only does the mechanistic, rigged universe have no real meaning. It is a horror of repetition, and he has no business participating in it because he is a destroyer. When he tried to shoulder his father's burden of power, he failed snd devolved into a worse tyrant.

Furthermore, his location in the food chain is unbearably cruel. How can he bear to be happy and prosper at the expense of human lives? (See above; also, this is Cas's core issue with happiness vs angel asceticism)

///

MEG watches from across the room.

CASTIEL It's funny. I was – I was done for, too.

MEG leaves.

CASTIEL The weight of all my mistakes, all those lives and souls lost, I... I couldn't take it, either. I was… I was lost until I took on your pain. It's strange to think that that helped, but –

This is a penance that comes up often for Sam and Cas as characters, that taking on PAIN and SUFFERING will erase their mistakes. This is a deeply religious concept, and it shows up time and again in humsn psychology.

That they're not allowed to live unless they make up for all they've done. It's a dangerous sort of self-flagellation that all three of them tend to do at times.

(It's why Dean doesn't allow cas to heal him in season 12.)

/// SAM I know you never did anything but try to help. I realize that, Cas, and I'm grateful. We're all grateful. And we're gonna help you get better, okay? No matter what it takes.

CASTIEL What do you mean, "better"?

///

This is Sam's version of forgiveness. He can give it easier since the whole thing with Cas was at more of a distance; the wound was physical and not as deeply emotional in terms of Sam's world, compared to how Dean loved Cas.

To answer Cas: What he means by "better," Cas, is feeling worthy of participating in life again. This is not mental illness per se, not somuch as what it means in the realm of civilian health: it is specifically a WAR WOUND. It's MORAL INJURY.

We'll see this theme with SAM and CAS a lot in coming seasons, Cas committing suicide (effectively) by choosing Purgatory. Sam checking out of life with Amelia, rather than balancing his responsibility to Kevin. Cas not wanting to face up to what he's done to Heaven. (Hunter Heroici is THE episode that underlines this for Sam and Cas).

Happiness must be BALANCED with responsibility, and not simply represent running away and checking out as a means of avoidance.

Sam nor Cas do a good job balancing responsibility with happiness, like ever. They both tend to either check out completely OR turn into workaholics chained to hunting and angelic soldierdom, manifested in Hell trials for humanity and Angel: trials for angels: "mission above self." (Dean does this in the beginning of season 15 with the vampire kid; then promptly checks out to eat cereal and marathon Scooby-Doo).

Aside// I think Amelia could've been a good thing for Sam, except that it's his Charming Acres. Cas's checking out of life and subsequent "fighting injured" took a much darker turn towards suicide "Purgatory."

When Cas came to his senses; that is, he collected his thoughts and wove all that disparate information into a composition of MEANING, he remembered WHAT he wanted to fight for, and WHO he wanted to fight for, BUT despair was so powerful, he wanted to simply stay in Purgatory.

Shabby studies in meaning making

Some disturbing revisitations to PTSD!Cas

7x21

CASTIEL Yes. Of course. Oh. Outside today, in the garden, I followed a honeybee. I saw the route of flowers. It's all right there, the whole plan. There's nothing to add.

This means, the plan is complete. We shouldn't add anything to it. Certainly not free will.

///

CASTIEL Will you look at her? My caretaker. All of that thorny pain. So beautiful.

Not much here, except he likes Meg.

///

CASTIEL Yes. I heard a ping that pierced me, and, well, you wouldn't have heard it unless you were an angel at the time.

CASTIEL Oh. Of course. Now I understand.

CASTIEL You were the ones. Well... I guess that makes sense.

CASTIEL If someone was going to free the Word from the vault of the earth, it would end up being you two. Oh, I love you guys.

CASTIEL pulls DEAN and SAM into a hug.

Some contradictory relief here; the relief that Sam and Dean are bringing meaning to chaos.

///

CASTIEL Did you know that a cat's penis is sharply barbed along its shaft? I know for a fact the females were not consulted about that.

Sex. Cas is mentioning it A LOT. Like he's trying to distance himself from it in a clinical, "watcher" kind of way. Probably he can't understand why he wants it, what possible connection if could offer. Perhaps he's disgusted with himself. He'll revisit it often: repetition, sex and wars. Bees like flowers because they feed on their nectar and pollen, and they facilitate sex between flowers.

///

CASTIEL This is the handwriting of Metatron.

CASTIEL Uh... "Tree”? [He looks at SAM and DEAN.] "Horse"? "Fiddler crab"? I can't read it. It wasn't meant for angels.

Wryness. Also re: above and Word freed from the vault; angels aren't meant to make meaning.

///

CASTIEL Don't like conflict.

CASTIEL disappears and the stone tablet drops to the floor, breaking into three pieces.

Dismissive avoidant in full swing. No emotions, no participation, no war-making. He breaks everything he touches. NOTE: The angel tablet breaks into THREE pieces, representing Sam, Dean AND Cas.

///

DEAN walks over to stand in front of CASTIEL.

DEAN You realize you just broke God's Word?

CASTIEL looks away and DEAN sits down at the table opposite him.

WOW. And it broke into THREE pieces! Cas is ever the glue, an essential component of free will.

///

DEAN It's Sam's thing, isn't it? You taking on his, uh, cage-match scars. I'm guessing that's what broke your bank, right?

CASTIEL Well, it took... everything to get me here.

DEAN What are you talking about, man?

This is VERY mysterious. Makes you think maybe there's more to Daphne, or more to Naomi journeying to Purgatory to get Cas back. That Cas is more important than he realizes?

///

CASTIEL Dean, I know you want different answers.

DEAN No, I want you to button up your coat and help us take down Leviathans. Do you remember what you did?

CASTIEL holds up the board game “Sorry!” He shakes it once and the board and pieces appear on the table, set up ready to play. CASTIEL sets the box aside.

CASTIEL Do you want to go first?

They're venting their frustration at each other through talking about other things and being indirect. I think of the conversation about Adam & Michael from Season 15. They're both symbolically irritated with one another. Dean is seriously wounded: Bobby is dead, he almost lost Sam, and then he got Cas back and promptly lost him again right away. For a guy carrying around another guy's coat, Dean's definitely at sea. Cas is essentially saying in code: YOU APOLOGIZE TO ME FIRST.

///

DEAN picks up a “Sorry!” card.

Dean's playing! Visually, he's sorry. We know he is because of how we saw him sing along to "I'm All Out of Love" by Air Supply. We saw the conversations between Bobby and Sam. We saw the coat Dean carried around. But Dean doesn't get his meaning across. He's too hurt.

///

CASTIEL You know, we weren't sure at first which monkeys were gonna make it. No offense, but I [DEAN moves a marker on the board] was backing the Neanderthals because their poetry was... just amazing. It's in perfect tune [CASTIEL picks up a card] with the spheres. But in the end, it was you – the [CASTIEL moves a marker] homo sapiens sapiens. You guys ate the apple, invented pants.

Cas is distancing himself from humanity, putting Dean under a microscope and moving as FAR from him as possible. We're not alike, angels and humans. I'm above you, away from you. It's a callback to all of Uriel's insults, it's a callback to "You're just a man."

///

DEAN Cas, where can we find this, uh, Metatron? Is he still alive?

CASTIEL I'm sorry. I – I think you have to go back to start.

DEAN moves a marker.

DEAN This is important.

CASTIEL motions for DEAN to pick up another card. DEAN does and moves another marker.

DEAN I think Metatron could stop a lot of bad. You understand that?

CASTIEL picks up another card.

CASTIEL We live in a "sorry" universe. It's engineered to create conflict. I mean, why should I prosper from... your misfortune? [CASTIEL puts down a marker and moves DEAN’s marker back to the start.] But these are the rules. I didn't make them.

Cas is giving into nihilism. Nothing matters. The universe just sucks and is neverending conflict. Angels are angels and humans are humans. Human suffer and angels hoard their souls as winter-food in Heaven, perhaps. They are fundamentally incompatible. I didn't make the rules, Dean. The universe is harsh and unforgiving.

///

DEAN You made some of them. When you tried to become God, when you cut that hole into that wall.

CASTIEL Dean... it's your move.

///

Cas ignores his role in any of it. Cas has completely withdrawn from life. From this entire game.

///

DEAN pounds a fist on the table and swipes the board to the floor.

DEAN Forget the damn game! Forget the game, Cas.

Dean hates the game, obviously. Chuck's stupid, stupid game. He wants to tear up the rulebook, still--bot follow the honeybee into the garden and consider it complete and unworthy of rewriting. Dean still wants to rewrite the rules OF the game.

///

CASTIEL I'm sorry, Dean.

DEAN No. You're playing "Sorry!"

And he is. Cas is shunting all the responsibility to the nihilism and coldness of the universe, seeing himself as a cog prospering from the misfortune of others. He denigrates humanity as nothing more than sets of monkeys that angels were "backing or not backing," like a GAME. That chasm between angel and human seems is wide and uncrossable.

Dean hates the inescapable game.

///

CASTIEL is picking up the game pieces. He stops and looks up.

DEAN What?

Cas resolves to KEEP PLAYING THE GAME, just as he does later in Golden Times.

15x06 >>> MELLY: Thing is, taking yourself out of the game doesn't really change the game CASTIEL: Yeah. If I stay, nothing changes. It's time for me to get back in the game.

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aliengirl · 2 years ago

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Sooo i still need to edit the screenshots but its past midnight and i need to sleep but my first werewolf gameplay went very nice

My sim is now friend with the moon-something pack (with Kristopher i love him somuch)

I lov Caleb so i was wad that my werewolf had red friendship with him so i did everything for them to be friends and now they even have a bit of romance (enemies to lovers maybe??)

Im going Rags to Riches style and gave my sim a tent to sleep BUT ACTUALLY SHE CAN JUST LAY DOWN ON THE FLOOR LIKE A PUPPY AND TAKE A NAP AND I just find that the cutest

Vlad showed up and my girl get mad and tried to beat his ass and even get transformed for the first time

Vlad just get scared and escape our fight

My girl was still on fury and just disappeared???? She ran away to a rabbit hole and i was just???????? Where did she go??

She reappeared ON THE TOP OF THE MONTAIN in human form but COMPLETELY NAKED and i just lose i couldn't stop laughing that was so random and just looked like she was drunken idk thats so funny

#sims 4 werewolf

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fiction-in-my-blood · 4 years ago

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Obey Me! Brothers W/ Mentally Slow MC HC

~Longer than necessary A/N ahead so, if you don’t care, you don’t need to read it, just sharing stuff about myself to random strangers on the internet lol.~

So... I’m slow. Like, my brain just does not computer things quick enough a majority of the time? I’m not a great conversationalist because of it, I have a pretty bad stammer, I mix up names even though they don’t sound at all the same, and I get too excited when I do know something that when I try to say it its just a jumble of words that don’t make sense and I tell my friends to just forget about it because I know I won’t be able to say the right words lol. Luckily I have great friends and they give me the time to rethink my sentence so I can say what I want to say. Oh, and I daydream to the point I never dream in my sleep haha. So, this is basically an HC for me lol. That being said, I’m pulling from mostly my own experiences here, so I’m sorry if they sound a lil depressy haha.

And I would like to say, if anyone can relate, there’s literally nothing wrong with you!!! (Cannot stress this enough). We just have our fun lil quirks.

~Also, I’m so sorry for missing out on Belphie. I love him somuch but I could not think of a scenario for him. If I do in the future I’ll edit or reupload idk.~

~Oh, and @theshove , I finally posted again ;), although I’m sure it’s not gonna be as spicy as you’d like.~

Warnings: Descriptive explanation of a panic attack in Mammon’s HC, reference to bullying in Satan’s

~~~~~~

Lucifer:

At first, he was secretly pretty frustrated.

He thought it was a confidence issue, he heard that was a common thing in human youth, to not believe in yourself and have anxiety about the way you looked, spoke, sounded.

You would often be having conversations with his brothers, debating a subject that Lucifer took no interest in, and you would be about to put in your input when a stream of nonsense passed your lips.

“Y’know what, nevermind.” Was a frequent phrase that left your lips when you did slip up, sighing to yourself as you thought about how ridiculous you just sounded.

Lucifer would ensure none of the brothers, or Solomon, ever teased you about your mistakes.

Although, it was mortifying everytime you accidentally called him Levi, and vice versa.

It was hard enough when you were still getting to know the brothers, but even on a date with the eldest, Levi just seemed like an easier word to say in the moment. It led to a few upsetting misunderstandings and some pretty severe punches to Lucifer’s pride.

Once you two got closer, you explained you mixed up your words because you used to be practically mute.

You weren’t a particularly extroverted child, nor were you interested in much, so you hardly spoke at all. You never got the practice you needed to familiarise yourself with words. It was Devildom that really brought them out of you.

After you did share that with him, he thrived off hearing your voice, even when it took a solid ten seconds to contemplate what you needed to say, even stretching your mouth muscles before you started just in case you stumbled again.

Of course, you made your mistakes now and again, got stuck on a word, laughing at how ridiculous you sounded saying ‘in’ several times in a row when you were trying to argue over tonight’s dinner, but Lucifer never cracked a joke like you did about yourself.

He smiled, happy that you didn’t let this impact your personality and recovered quickly and, gradually, at snail's pace it felt like at the time, you could hold a conversation, a bright smile on your face when you were able to pull it off.

“Lucifer, I didn’t stutter this time!”

“Well done, MC, shall I give you a reward?”

Mammon:

“Useless human, can’t even talk, huh?”

Trying to act like the big tough guy he played himself out to be didn’t fare well when you first arrived in Devildom, his brothers practically beat him up every other day for it.

The first time you laid your eyes upon a demon and they explained you would be a transfer student, it took you a few minutes of silence to understand what was actually going on.

It wasn’t because this wasn’t an extraordinary situation, you were an avid reader of fantasy novels and had waited for the day to be transported away from your boring, mundane life, but you just couldn’t compute verbal speech.

In potion class, you had to ask the teacher to write down the ingredients and the quantities because you couldn’t picture the words themselves, so you couldn’t understand what the potion was actually meant to do.

“What’re you writing it all down for?”

“It’s easier for me to listen when I can read what they’re saying. I guess it’s because my hearing’s crap?”

But your hearing wasn’t all that bad, it was just easier to explain it that way than explaining how transcriptions help you listen.

Sometimes, in the hallways of RAD, the bustling students and whispering gossiping of you, a human, making a pact with Mammon? Apparently it was hilarious to everyone else.

But it wasn’t what the demons were saying, it was how loud they were saying it.

It was just too many noises at once, you couldn’t decipher the surround-sound mumbling and it stressed you out, made you uncomfortable, and gave you that all too familiar feeling of a panic attack due to the sensory overload.

Mammon realised your discomfort as tears grew in your eyes and your breathing quickened and, for a moment, he was moving to beat up every single devil that ever even mentioned the word ‘human’.

“Ma-Mammon!” Your frail voice and a tug on his sleeve pulled him back to Devildom and he turned back around to you, watching as you clenched your eyes shut, trying to ignore the buzzing that continued to rattle your brain.

“Can you take me some place quiet?”

From then on, you would often spend your lunch breaks in a quiet classroom away from the majority of students. It was a good place for you to wind down, especially, when you two were close enough, Mammon would hug you closely, helping the panic in your heart when you did have a panic attack due to all the noises.

You didn’t have them as much now, the noise cancelling headphones he had bought you brought solace as you walked from classroom to classroom.

In class, he would try his best to act as scribe when you were running behind, but he did a terrible job. His handwriting was abysmal, only now did he appreciate how quickly you had to write to keep up with the lessons.

You appreciate the sentiment all the same, placing a quick kiss on his cheek- you were dating at this point- and explained that he didn’t have to do that for you, you could just get a copy of the teacher’s notes after class.

Now he could never feel more guilty about picking on you when you first got to Devildom.

“Hey, Mamo?”

“Yeah, MC?”

“Thanks for not getting angry at me.”

Leviathan:

You were pretty silent, never really talking unless you were spoken to directly.

Yet, you still had that dumb, normie trap of cute smile on your face when you listened to everyone ranting and raving.

When you did speak, it was quiet, almost a whisper.

Thank Diavolo for the demon’s enhanced hearing because, if they didn’t, they would be constantly asking you to speak up.

It wasn’t because you didn’t like your voice or you thought you were too loud otherwise, it was just because you couldn’t really be bothered to be louder.

You were content with just listening, watching everyone have a vivid conversation about the latest trouble Mammon had gotten into or Satan raving about the last Detective show you needed to watch.

You never had any questions to ask in class, and the ones you did have would usually be asked by another student before you got the chance to even raise your hand. You weren’t a genius, just a good listener.

Levi understood, somewhat. Why would you want to talk to his normie brothers? They had nothing interesting to say.

Most of the time he suspected you just weren’t listening to them.

But, it’s when you were alone together in his room as he told you about the latest anime he was enjoying, he got annoyed.

“Are you even listening to me? I don’t even know why I try. You don’t deserve Henry!”

“I was listening. You were explaining how you think the next season of TSL is going to go. I’ll admit, the Lord of Shadow saving that servant from the Lord of Corruption seems a little far fetched, but it’d be interesting to watch.”

That had possibly been the longest group of sentences he had ever heard you string together at once. And they were so soft, no hint of trepidation from his accusation.

Eyes wide in embarrassment for misreading the situation, and getting so aggressive about it, Leviathan looked away.

“I’m sorry, I know I seem really dismissive all the time. I just enjoy listening to you talk about your passions.”

The bright smile on your face calmed him down, as it usually did, and, every so often, you would make your comments about the shows you know only because of him. He was very good at explaining plot lines. Even when you had never seen the show, you felt like you had.

You would mainly just talk to Levi from then on, getting to the point where you could express your own hobbies without him judging you as a normie and more as a friend.

Well, not a friend, more than that, much more, but a friend would have to do for now.

The first time you strike up a conversation with him, calling his name from down the hallway of the house you’re staying in as he walks with Asmodeus, Mammon and Beelzebub is possibly the greatest day of Levi’s life.

“Lefty.” You accidentally pronounce his name wrong, like you sometimes do with “Bell” and “Ashmo”.

You didn’t have any problems with saying their names normally, but when you were tired, all hopes of communicating like a normal human being went out the window.

Your words were a low mumble, but they were something Levi had learnt to understand fluently from your late night gaming sessions that would usually end in ruin when your tired brain drastically slowed your reflexes.

“I heard it was your 200,000th bicentennial birthday coming up, so I asked one of my friends to commission this for you.”

Only Diavolo knows how you managed to pronounce centennial at this time of night, but you did it, handing him a paper-wrapped, flat square, a light blush dusting both your cheeks.

Asmo made a flirty, teasing comment about how close you two seemed and how, now, Levi was the lucky one.

Mammon got jealous, demanding that he wanted a birthday present, even though his milestone couple centuries had literally been a couple centuries ago.

Beel’s stomach grumbled, but he was a little curious about what you could have possibly gifted Levi, and how many words you just said as loud as they would usually be, which was wildly out of character for you.

“It’s the Lord of Shadow and the servant.” Levi gasped upon seeing the magnificent drawing your friend had made for you, which you insisted on paying for, and never had Levi been so jealous to have a friend like that. A friend with such talent.

“You were right, he did save her.” You smiled, eyes twinkling at the positive reaction Levithan had made.

You had seen the similarities in the characters with you and the demon. The servant was said to have had their voice stolen as a child, long before they and the Lord of Shadow had met. And it was obvious to you the similarities the anime brothers had with the demon brothers, but you wouldn’t dare tell Levi that. You were worried he’d get shy and call you a normie again.

So that statement you made was a form of confession to Levi. Something you hoped he would understand.

“You watched the season without me?! How did you even get the DVD? It’s not even out yet!”

Yeah, no such luck there.

“Levi, you know what isn’t fair?”

“What could possibly be unfair for you in this situation?”

“That you aren’t as good a listener as I am.”

Satan:

You were an avid texter, just like Satan.

Your fingers moved so quickly against the screen of your D.D.D or the keyboard of a computer, it was amazing someone could see them.

And you were smart. On electronics, you could keep up conversations on the latest book you were reading and discuss the detective shows you and he liked to watch together.

It was only when you spoke in person did your conversations so down.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” You cried out after a particularly long and troublesome stutter, mainly annoyed because it was an easy word but all the b’s tied your tongue like a tongue twister. Ironically, you felt like you were blubbering like an idiot.

Your stammer used to be worse, far worse. So bad you couldn’t even tell your parents anything without getting angry at yourself, but you got the speech therapy and learnt to just take it slow when you got eager.

Everytime you see Satan, you want to be able to match his intellect and speed. You felt almost competitive.

But it would hardly ever work out in your favour, your ‘S’s coming out like you were trying to start an old engine and ‘B’s and ‘D’s being switched in for each other like you were a toddler.

You spoke before you thought of what you were going to say, hoping the words would just float out of my mouth like everyone else’s did.

But no. Not for you.

You had to carefully plan each sentence, thinking about every conversation you had so you could make a pre-made answer just so you wouldn’t look like a fool taking so long to speak.

You were ashamed most of the time, bullied for your impediment as a child and even in your teen years by people you told yourself were your friends but really weren’t when they called you teasing nicknames instead of your given one after you had asked them several times to use it.

They were the main reason you still didn’t have the confidence to speak well now.

“Hey, take it easy. We’re not in a rush.”

Satan would always be nice, politely giving you the time you needed to take a breather, calm down, and start over again, still blushing from your last stuttering episode.

“Why don’t you call me an idiot?”

A lot of questions similar to these, the only difference- the name you would be called, passed your lips sometimes, when there was a lull in your time together.

You were used to people making fun, telling you to just shut up already so they didn’t have to hear your stupidity anymore.

“You’re not stupid. I care about what you have to say.”

Satan was always so serious everytime he answered a variation of your question, showing you he really cared.

You blushed, your mind blank and it would take a couple minutes after that initial compliment for you to reboot.

It was true, though.

Satan enjoyed watching your lips move and the sound of your voice as you two discussed who the killer in his detective show could be.

You both always came to the same conclusion before the episode ended.

Because most of your conversations happened through text, he found he missed your tone and expressive face when you got really into a subject.

He didn’t care if you stuttered, it was far better than just watching words flash across a screen, as most of your conversations went, on his D.D.D

Although, he did care that you got so angry with yourself.

Being the Avatar of Wrath, he understood how easy it was to give into frustration and just want to hit something every time you made a mistake, he had done that many times in his younger years, and it wasn’t healthy.

It wasn’t healthy to be ashamed of a mere stumble or get mad at yourself for it, you never learnt that way.

One night, laying in his bed, platonically, you shared your reasoning behind getting so mad everytime you stuttered.

You had seen Satan’s demon-form once before, but never had you seen it arise so quickly and so fiercely.

You had been down all day and he had brought you to his room so you could feel comfortable enough to talk to him, but this fearful man, no, creature before you only put you more on edge.

But he continued to hold you.

He continued to wrap his arms around you from behind, spooning your body, trying his best not to fly out of hell right now and hunt down those who had picked on and teased you for all those years for something you couldn’t even help.

To think the reason you hated something he found so endearing was because some mere humans had made you think your excitement to communicate with people was something wrong?

“I don’t think this exchange program is going to work out.”

“Wh...Why?” You tried your hardest now to sound strong, sighing to yourself when you repeated the letters.

“Because I won’t be able to hold back if I have free access to the human world. What kind of assholes do that?”

“Teenage assholes.”

Asmodeus:

What a cute little airhead.

From the moment he first met you, Asmo loved the clueless looks on your face as you sifted through the information you were being given, seconds behind the punch everyone else could get to.

You were slow, but you were meticulous, combing through every piece of information you could to give the correct response.

You were actually pretty smart because of that fact, studying so hard on everything you did so you weren’t embarrassed by being wrong.

And you weren’t too big with the whole ‘social cues’ thing either, mistaking Satan’s sarcasm for truth and Leviathan’s anger for genuine, relationship-ruining upset, desperately trying to fix the situation so that no one would get hurt.

You were selfless in the strangest of ways, too, opting to go without something you actually, really needed before asking someone for help.

Once, you had tried ordering shower gel off of Akuzon, but, instead, ordered Shaitan Gell, a special ingredient often used by witches to summon demons.

You had wondered why it was so expensive, but thought that maybe the Devildom economy wasn’t doing so well right now.

(It wasn’t your money you were using, so what the hell?)

It was even more confusing when it smelled a little off, but demons had strange tastes. Beelzebub literally ate brains and bat wings on the daily.

When Diavolo showed up in your shower the first time you used the oddly thick, black liquid, you just cocked your head, too weird to be embarrassed. Thinking this was a regular occurance in Devildom, you gave the prince a hearty hello and asked him, if he needed anything, could he please wait outside so you could get dressed first.

The news spread like wildfire, especially when Diavolo randomly vanished from a meeting with Lucifer.

When everyone did find out, as Lucifer was reprimanding you for using such a relic in that way, they teased you endlessly, some offering you their own makes of the potion so you might accidentally summon them in the same way.

Every flirty or sexual remark Asmo made went right over your head, thinking that with every personal question he asked was just asked to make conversation and not genuine interest on his part.

“Do you have a partner?”

“Well, no, I don’t really compete in dance competitions or anything.”

“What positions do you usually go for?”

“I don’t play many sports, but if I had to pick, I’d say a pitcher in baseball. I have a pretty mean throw!”

It actually became a little bewildering how oblivious you were to all of his advances, thinking every time he draped himself over you he was cold and you offered him your jumper.

He took them everytime, so you were starting to run low. He tended to hoard them in his room, savouring the sweet scent of the body wash he had bought for you after the Shaitan incident.

“Asmo, can I get my hoodie back?”

You called through his closed door at some point after returning from school in the dead of winter, shivering in the sweat pants and long sleeved top you already had on.

You were generous, you didn’t think you personally were, but all the brothers knew you would give anyone anything if they asked for it.

That’s why it wasn’t that ridiculous when Asmo had all of your jackets. Hoodies from years ago, sweaters you bought just to treat yourself because they were so soft, and even this jumper you got from your ex-boyfriend in high school, something you meant to give back but never managed to. You forgot every time you went to meet him with that exact intent the reason for seeing him.

It didn’t remind you of him, he barely wore it before you practically stole it, but it did make Asmo’s heart skip a beat at the ‘sweater-paws’ you got from the much-too-long sleeves.

Following a clattering from what sounded like trash cans, followed by a comical shriek of a cat, the door flew open to a slightly disheveled Asmodeus, fabric clutched in his hand as he stood topless before you.

“Oh, sorry, Asmo. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’m just so cold.”

You laughed to show you weren’t upset with him as you rubbed your arms, bouncing on the balls of your feets to get your blood moving enough to create some heat.

How could all these devils, avatars of the seven deadly sins, not have heating?

“Let me warm you up, MC!”

Without even stopping to hear your answer, but he knew you’d say yes, no matter what, Asmo pulled you in by the wrist, immediately wrapping his bare arms around you the moment the door was closed.

He was warm and you were comfortable with him, he showed you curiosity and care, so you eased into that embrace, thinking it a friendly gesture as a thank you for using your clothes all the time.

When you felt a slight nibble on your ear, you started to freak out a little.

You stuttered out an inquiry as to what he was doing, shyly pushing away as he drew back with his flirtatious smirk.

“I’ve made it so obvious for so long, MC. I really like you.”

Asmo cooed back, prodding your puffed out cheek with the tip of his tongue as you tilted your head to the side the same way you did every time someone told you something new.

Knowing you would be taking a moment to compute the information, Asmo used this chance to bury his face in the crook of your neck.

“I really like you too, Asmo.”

The realisation came pretty suddenly.

You had never put much thought into it.

Sure, he was the Avatar of Lust, he could just be saying this so he could express his temporary desires, but that was how you felt. You weren’t one for holding back, you were always scared of forgetting the topics of your thoughts if you didn’t say them aloud, so you just went for it.

Beelzebub:

Does this person even have bones?!

Like, seriously, your tripping over your feet like they’re not even attached to your body.

Rolling your ankle, walking off in directions that definitely don’t lead to where you intend on going, skipping right passed the class you’re meant to be attending.

The amount of times you’ve gotten lost in both the House of Lamentation and RAD is honestly worrying.

Your sense of direction? What even is a map because it seems like you’ve never even heard of the concept of signs or specific routes you need to take to get to your bedroom.

To help with your impossibly slow way of getting a lay of the land in your new dorm, you would often take midnight strolls.

Often getting lost, which is how you found Belphegor up in the attic, even when you had stayed on the same floor.

That’s how you and Beel got so close.

Because of the delectable scents coming from the kitchen, you would often find him having his late night snacks.

He would invite you to stay, at first only because Lucifer had instructed him to walk you back to your room every time he found you aimlessly wandering the house late at night.

“Is your ankle okay?” He would ask through a mouthful of food, but somehow you were still able to understand him.

Blushing, you looked down as your injury that was caused earlier in the day. You had stepped weird on the side of your foot- something that would usually happen and something you would usually be able to walk away from- but this time it was on the tall spiral stairs of the school you were still getting to know, sending you tumbling down flights and flights of steps.

It was a wonder you were human, because even Solomon was shocked you survived that.

“Y-Yeah, just a little red,” was an understatement.

You’re ankle killed. It was only a little swollen thanks to the spell your sorcerer friend used on you, but that didn’t help the sprain of your tendons. It was slightly bruised, covered by your loosest, most comfortable socks.

“Are you embarrassed?” Beel pointed out your bashful blush and you looked back up. He had seen your obvious hobble as you made your way to his side, but didn’t want to mention it in case you were feeling fragile about the subject.

“It just gives me flashbacks, is all.”

Oh?

Memories from MC’s past?

Yes, Beel would very much like to hear about that.

Not to tease or bribe you with, he was genuinely curious about your little human life. Not that you could tell, but he had never been so curious about another being like that.

“Oh, god, well, I guess I trust you.” You joked, blushing harder as you laughed about the memory that plagues your thoughts.

One time, in high school, you were walking out of the cantine when you tripped over literally nothing, throwing your bottle of water across the school yard like you needed to save it from your fall. It landed in the middle of a group of older students.

The amount of laughs you got from that. The teacher that came up to you to ask if you were okay. The cut that occured on your knee.

(Yes, this is a personal story. Yes, I have ptsd every time I pick up a plastic bottle of water)

Oh, it was like you were reliving the horror right there and then.

“It was mortifying! My friends still bring it up. To. this. day.” You sulk, resting your forehead on the table to hide the deep red on your face.

“Did it hurt?” The blunt question came as a shock, that’s for sure, and you no longer felt unbearably hot when you looked up to see him. There was little look of amusement except for a kind-hearted smile.

“W-Well, not as much as this other time...”

You found yourself telling him all of your most embarrassing tales, seeking for that one story that would make him laugh the way everyone else would laugh at you.

He didn’t. At all. It was actually a little worrying that he found none of your stories funny.

Truthfully, he did find the want to chuckle at a few of them, but he didn’t want to betray your trust by laughing at such ‘precious’ memories for you.

#this has been in my drafts for far too long #I have 20 other wips #why do i do this to myself?#I so wanna write but I have like four assignments due and I have NOT started any of them TT #obey me!#obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me mamo #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me beel #obey me beelzebub #obey me fluff

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rintarhue · 4 years ago

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hi bestie it’s me 😁☝️. so i really want to get into writing for my fav characters. i’ve written some fan fic before, but not with like the pictures of text like you do or on tumblr. i was wondering if you could give me advice/help me. if not i totally understand, i just admire and look up to your work so much. i hope you’re having a great day/night <3. ooh also here’s a picture of akaashi that i obsess over :)

ONG HI BABIE!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED FOR U OMG <3 i gotchu babes here are my tips!! (well the first to come in mind)

firstly, you need a plot. cliche but yeah 😭 you need to know the important parts like how it starts, the main problem, and how it ends <3 usually, i just come up with a plot and go around it without any concrete plans 😭👎

secondly, know your characters! be familiarized with the characters you'll be writing about. you can base it off on the anime/manga or your own characterization of them :D with my works, i like to add parts of myself to my characters to make them have more depth and to make then feel real??? in a way??? 🙏

thirdly, show and not tell!!!! in order for the readers to really be engaged with your piece, you need to be as detailed as possible so they can visualize everything! you can add small details in some chapters and then relate it to the main problem without directly pointing it out right away :D this is so they can look back and see how everything is related to each other <3

lastly, don't pressure yourself <3 honestly, this is an advice that til this day i need to take note of 🥲 it's hard not to but yeah!!!! writing takes so much time and effort, and if you can't pump out new ideas or chapters right away, that's completely okay! it's okay to be tired, it's okay to be burned out, and it's okay to rest :>

JWHDNRNFNDMSKDXHEHNFNEND THSNK YOU SOMUCH URE HONESTLY SO SWEET THIS MADE MY NIGHT!!!!! ILY!!!! SOBS AND HAVE A GREAT DAY AS WELL <3 AND AKAASHIS SO CUTE I CRY OVER THIS PIC A LOT.... ITS UNHEALTHY

#kopi.talks #kopi writing tips!#kopi.sobs #GENNFNRMCNCKCXKKFKD #SO YES <3

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strawberrywritings · 4 years ago

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Hi! Could you write about Ez and the reader secretly dating cause she’s the daughter of Alvarez. Love your writing so much xxxx

A/N: Thank you somuch! Thanks for the request, and I hope you like it xx

/ Masterlist

As fun as sneaking around could be, you and Ez were getting tired of it, and when you told him you wanted to tell your dad about your relationship, he looked at you with his eyes wide. “You tell your dad about us, you won’t have a boyfriend anymore. He’s gonna have my head before you’re even finished speaking”. He shook his head and stared ahead of him, anywhere but you. “I’ll try and talk to him and explain the situation. You have a better idea, boy-genius?”. He shook his head and sighed. “Can we just- let’s just enjoy ourselves, now, okay? I didn’t invite you over to talk about your dad”. You smiled and nodded, scooting closer to him on the couch of his trailer. Nobody knew you were together. Being the daughter of Alvarez had its perks, but the downside was that everyone was almost scared to talk to you, fearing your dad. And dating someone from the club wasn’t even an idea, until Ez started prospecting. He swept you off your feet and you had been together for a couple months, now, but the secrecy was getting hard to maintain and you wanted to come clean about it, with your dad, with the club, with everyone. You wanted to be able to enjoy a normal (for how normal it could be) relationship.

Every thought you had disappeared from your head as soon as Ez started kissing you, laying you down on the couch and putting himself on top of you, his mouth never leaving yours. You started to make out, your hands exploring each other’s bodies, knowing that if people needed Ez, they would knock first. But Angel didn’t have this type of manners, so he barged right in, without knocking or announcing his arrival. He squealed, surprised, and turned around as soon as he got in the trailer, facing the now closed door. You and Ez moved hastily to get off each other, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, too embarrassed to say anything. Angel had his head against the door and his eyes were closed. “Are you done? Can I turn around?”, he asked. “Yeah, yeah”, Ez spoke and looked somewhere else, hoping Angel would not make a fuss about it. Angel, being Angel, turned around and sat nonchalantly in the middle of the couch, extending his arms on the back of it, reaching both you and his brother. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything, guys”, he had a smug grin on his face, turning his head to look at you and then at him, happy that his brother was getting some action. He then turned to Ez, “Alvarez’s daughter? Really? – he laughed – you’re so fucked, dude”, he kept snickering and shaking his head, and his brother turned to face him, “Tell me about it”, Ez huffed. You turned to both men, a scowl on your face. “I am not just Alvarez’s daughter; I am my own person”, you huffed and got up, leaving by climbing out the window. “Damn, nena, - he turned to his brother again – and you’re the one who treats girls better? Making them leave out the window?”, he smiled incredulously. “It’s not like she can use the door, anyone could notice”, his brother answered, shifting his weight forward and putting his elbows on his knees, hanging his head. Angel gave a nod. There was a moment of silence. “Her dad know about this?”, Angel asked, and his suspicions were confirmed when Ez shook his head. “We haven’t told him, yet, but she wants to”. “Can you call me when it happens? I wanna be present, see how he turns you upside down for getting near his daughter”, he laughed and patted his brother’s back. “By the way, Prez’s looking for you”, he nodded towards the direction of the clubhouse, getting up and walking out, followed by the other man.

A couple of days later, Bishop had a meeting with Alvarez at the clubhouse, to sort out something for the business. Of course, he had brought you along with him, and you were sitting at the bar, Ez cleaning the counter, everyone else around the room minding their business and going on about their day. But not you and your secret-boyfriend, which you hadn’t seen since the episode with Angel. Speaking of him, he was watching you intently from his spot at a table, where he was smoking with Coco. The sniper looked at what Angel was looking at, you and Ez glancing at each other occasionally, then he turned back to his friend. “What’s up with them?”, he leaned in more not wanting to be heard. “Say goodbye to Ez, cause one of this days Alvarez’s gonna kill him: he’s with his daughter”, Angel put out his cigarette against the ashtray, Coco looking at him as if he’d grown another head. “You’re kidding!”, he looked back at the bar, just in time for Bishop to open the door, all eyes on him now. Your dad beckoned you into Templo with his hand, and you immediately jumped off the stool to get into the room, noticing how Bishop was still there. You took a seat at the table and your dad turned to Bishop. “Can you call your prospect in, please?”. The president nodded silently and opened the door to where the MC was lounging around, “Prospect”, Bishop nodded his head for him to get inside. Ez slowly made his way into the room, both you and him becoming visibly nervous but trying not to show it.

Outside, Angel and Coco lighted a cigarette each and watched the door intently, watching for the slightest movement. Everyone was curious as to why Ez got called in the room with Alvarez. “20 bucks Ez comes out with a black eye”, Angel told Coco, putting the money on the table, and now they had the attention of all the other Mayans. “What- What’s happening?”, Taza looked at them, confused at the two men who were smiling goofily. “Ez’s sneaking around with his daughter, and them in there together? I’m telling you he caught on”, Coco said. “Yeah, walked in on them making out and shit, the other day”, Angel agreed chuckled, earning whispers and questions, everyone betting about how it was going to go.

“Have a seat, Reyes”, Alvarez motioned at a spot at the table. Bishop had no idea what was going on and prayed, in his head, that Ez hadn’t done anything stupid. “How’s your prospecting going?”, your father asking, enjoying how both you and Ez were clearly uncomfortable, the tension evident. “It’s going good, thank you”, he answered politely. “Think you can patch in?”, Ez nodded but he couldn’t answer as your dad spoke again. “You’re gonna have to do better than just patch in if you wanna be with my daughter”, he smirked, taking a drag of his cigar and watching everyone’s eyes widen. Bishop turned to Ez with a look that said ‘we’re gonna talk about this later. You were feeling warm, and tried to defuse some tension, the silence was getting uncomfortable. “Papi, I can explain, por favor”, your eyes were begging him not to do anything. He looked at you with a soft expression. “I just want the best for you, mija, you know that. He’s-”. “Treating me good, that’s what he’s doing. He’s kind, he’s sweet, he respects me… please, you have to understand”, you were on the verge of tears, not knowing what was going to happen, if your father was going to approve the relationship, if you even had a relationship after this conversation as over. Ez was watching the exchange, tense and sweating. “Is that true, Obispo? The boy good?”, Bishop snapped his head up, watching Alvarez and nodding, “He is, works hard, he’s loyal”. You dad nodded looked your boyfriendover, staying silent. He spoke again, “You hurt her and you won’t even know what hit you”. “Dad!”, you looked at him, exasperated. Ez simply nodded, “Sí, señor”. Your dad took another drag from his cigar, before getting up, everyone getting up too. Bishop went to open the door, holding it open for you and letting you out first, waiting for Ez and Alvarez, too. Ez made his way to get out of the room but your dad stopped him by putting a hand on his chest. “I’m watching you, vato”, and with that, he got out the door and out of the clubhouse. Ez and Bishop got out of the room, the first coming outside to where you were standing.

“Hey”. “Hey”. A moment passed before you spoke. “How’d it go?”, you looked at him and he looked at you, cracking one of those beautiful smiles of his and chuckling. “He told me he’s watching me”, you chuckled, too, and leaned your head against him. “That’s nice...”, he nodded and kissed your head, one hand sliding to your waist, bringing you into a hug. “I’ll see you, querida”, he kissed your temple and smiled at you, as you removed yourself from him, your dad waiting in the car. “I’ll call you”, you said, smiling like an idiot and making your way to your father’s car, Ez watching as you drove away. Bishop joined him, stopping at his side and looking in the direction the car had turned. “Can’t save your ass, this time. We’d like to have you in one piece, Ez, please”, he patted the boy on the back before lighting his cigar and walking away from Ez. As he went back inside, all eyes were on the youngest Reyes, some of his brothers were smiling and some others had an expectant look on their faces. Then Angel spoke, “They know”, and he smiled. Ez just shook his head, not ready for all the questions that were coming his way, but smiled nonetheless; Angel huffed and had half a smile on his face, “You made me lose 20 bucks, man!”.

taglist: @scuzmunkie

#ez reyes x reader #ez reyes imagine #my writing #mayans imagine

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robynsheart · 5 years ago

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2019, thank you but definitely next.

2019 has definitely been really weird. I think what's even more weird about it is how, just a second ago it was January and now we're bidding goodbye to it. It feels like it was an absolute blur and as much as I'd like to claim that I was fully present and really living my best life, I did most things just so I can say iv done them. It was fun, I won't lie but I sometimes wonder if the intent was ever really pure. Nonetheless I needed this year for healing, I never thought I would be able to get back on my feet, I'm not fully back but just regaining something within myself that I feel I had lost. Something as simple as humor and just the lightweight feeling of not taking life too seriously - I could also credit that to wine😂 but you get what I'm saying.

Another weird thing about 2019 was how I couldn't hide my own vulnerability to myself. As someone who is really open and about self awareness, I am really not about vulnerability. I would often look at how vulnerable my mother is with me with judgment, to some extent it reflected how I think people respond when you are vulnerable. I am afraid of becoming to vulnerable with people because of judgment obviously, but this year my entire self started a process without my permission to ACT OUT when I try to hide how I feel. Every negative feeling that has gone unnoticed or even ignored has manifested itself in ways I couldn't even imagine and iv experienced so much hate and anger that iv never experienced in my entire existence. I don't know how to fully process the negative things which are bound to happen in life yet, I think in the past my way of dealing with anything was pretending it wasn't there so now I have to actually face the music and deal with things. I do it at a very premature level, but I hope this is something I can work on as the years go - building up a good ass communication with some vulnerability. The messed up part is the idea of also not being vulnerable with myself, it's honestly shooting myself in the foot. I can't figure out how I feel like I am also an enemy and hence can't become vulnerable with myself - I have endured so much judgment and hate from myself without realizing it and it's crazy that spirit and soul that hosts all my experiences s till won't feel safe even in its own home.

I have discredited whatever it is that I have needed to say or which ever move that I needed to make with just a "uh nope that's not your lane". I think it's very important to have moments of vulnerability with yourself so that you can share it with other people, so when a vulnerable moment has to happen with someone else it doesn't feel so foreign in your spirit.

My spirit this year has felt exhausted more and more with each day. I keep thinking it reminds me of the time when I was in Highschool and I was literally in the passenger seat of my own life. Highschool was weird because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and I kept going and going. It created a monotonous vibe in my life and I was in a space where I was just getting by and always promising myself better but never showing up for myself. There's a vivid memory of me sitting in church during a sermon and having the thought that I'd start reading the Bible more from the coming week, did I ever? NO! I find myself literally in the same damn cycle. I used to read a lot and I just outgrew the habit but I find myself wanting to go back to reading, I set myself up for such a fail because I know I won't be in that mood but I keep selling myself dreams about becoming that person. I am always tired and never really want to honour some of the stuff I say I will do because I just don't hold myself accountable. I genuinely hate being in the passenger seat of my own life when I know there is something I can do but won't do because I am demotivated and lazy,it's a sad space to be in.

There has been good too about this year, I'm just not sure I am in a position to recognize it because it's not the form that I would have it you know? The silent blessings that we don't recognize because we are overlooking them to see if your cup is being filled with the same shit as your neighbor or friend. I think when everything has felt like the biggest exhaustion it becomes hard to recognize something which is a blessing, I remember telling my friend that it's weird how I alway think that I will only start living or become happy once iv reached certain milestones in my life and at that time, relationships (romantic) was number one on the list. I don't remember what the second was but there we're two specific things which I felt that if I had to have, I then would become happy or have everything that I have ever wanted in life, which my dear is so fucked up. If anything after that statement, and getting into a relationship shortly thereafter I need to realize how miserable I was trying to carry another human being who didn't need to be carried. We sacrifice SOMUCH just to have what other people, because it looks glamorous but it isn't always. The relationship I entered into after that statement was one of the Worst I had ever been in, listen if you need to go the movies take your friends. Develop friendships, develop actual relationships with people so you know people and people know you. The shit that's going on right now regarding relationship is genuinely the GHETTO and no one can convince me otherwise. We're literally trying to piece together items with weird stuff, there seems to be no genuine care for the other person or even respect. Another thing is that people don't really know each other and people don't really like each other that much. It's all based on some superficial aspect and honestly for me it cannot be physical because (1) Cute niggas are never attract to me (2) I am never attracted to cute niggas lol. Whoever I date, I date based on personality, but that still isn't enough. There are some very fake bonds that we have with people out here that are very dangerous.

I know from my side that Iv tried to make homes of human beings, and in the year where I have struggled so much with adapting to loosing friends and having people leave my life (growing up). I have tried to make a placemat with other human beings just trying to fill up this empty space which once was friendships and sisterhood. The most painful honestly, you know when you fight with someone and you loose them, it almost justifies how you feel and where you can direct your anger towards but when someone outgrows you or moves on to a totally different path, it's a bit weird. You don't know how to fathom that type of loss, because that person is still there and probably loves you as much but has just moved on. It's the biggest mindfuck, and I found myself saying to myself way too many times that you cannot posses people, you can only experience them and that's what happens. I have been struggling to find a positive way of moving on, I almost feel as though my body knows war only and recognizes war only and therefore even in situations where there isnt war, I don't know how to love and bless that person without feeling sometype of betrayal. Realizing that person still wishes you great in life but not knowing how to receive because they have decided to leave you (in your head). It's like I only know how to comprehend love if it is a certain way and if it's not in that way then it feels like rejection. My thing now has been wanting to get over that person as if they have hurt me, and I think we owe people that sense of freedom and liberation. We cannot hold on to people like that, I am trying to find a way to understand what has happened without being angry, without judgment and obsession by just letting that person go (if that's what meant to happen).

I don't know if the walls I have built have made it difficult for me to love other people without reservation. I think about how difficult it has become for me to full celebrate people that are in my life without feeling like my own shine is being restraint. I often think about how my self love/hate shows up immensely in very narcissistic ways and then quickly inferior. It's so crazy how this cycle works, it's obviously an ego thing but wow. I genuinely either love myself in a narcissistic way or I am hating myself to wards inferiority. There's no in-between and there's no healthy love, hence sometimes there isn't even a healthy love for others. It's always about me, not too sure why but to some extent the idea of my own insecurity and an unsettling image of self is what pushes through. I don't get the idea of becoming jealous and hateful of friends because they have something you don't have or even the idea that someone is prettier or gets more attention that you do. These are things which happen in life, actual things and I sometimes feel like it takes away from the bigger picture because we are so self absorbed. It's focusing on the small nitty-grittys that have nothing to do with anything. I almost feel like as person you don't have anything going on for you in your life or something to focus on that becomes your only win, which is the really ridiculous but very valid. Focusing on so much more of your wins puts you in a better place I guess to recognize other people's wins. In a perfect world we're all winning but in reality we all win at different points in our lives and really have to acknowledge when someone else wins.

It's not always easy to praise someone else's win, especially when you can't recognize your own or even praise your small wins. The idea of not being able to praise some of my friends wins has made me feel like a terrible person but I have to understand that I am battling an inner ego, this one girl said that you need to love yourself enough to want see yourself win or something like that and I think my shadow believes still believe in playing small and hence there's this huge constraint towards me being the highest version of myself. But this isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to be hateful and salty about seeing people achieve things that they have worked hard for, that's not a healthy space to be. I don't know if as human beings we could ever be fully happy for each other but I want to try and attain that space, believing that maybe my portion is waiting for me :)

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portfolio-ni-rizza · 5 years ago

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8 Tips For Staying Motivated To Exercise In Winter | RecXpress

We’ve all been there: temperatures at the single digits... the sky dark despite the hour and outside still with everyone ensconced at home... you, perfectly toasty in your comfiest PJs, under mounds of fluffy blankets and pillows... and suddenly, you remember: you have to hit the gym in ten minutes. Must you, really?

The short answer is yes, you definitely must. Even if it’s long past Beach Body Season, you should still keep up a workout regimen. As the saying goes ... “Summer bodies are built in winter”. But for those who (understandably)prefer the warmth of their homes to the frigid cold outside, here are eight ways to stay motivated to workout in winter.

STAY COZY

If you can’t stay in the warm indoors, then bring the warmth out with you. Put on all the layers you need, keepingin mind that you’ll be moving around in them a lot. If you’ll be exercising outside, bundle up with comfy shirtsand jogging pants. Thermal underwear is also a lifesaver. Just remember that you’ll eventually be warm fromyour exertions, so don’t overdo the layers.

A nifty trick is get started while still indoors. Do a number of jumping jacks, jog in place for a few minutes, orjust do an extended version of your regular warm-up so the temperature difference doesn’t hit you too bad.

GET ON A NEW PROGRAM

Summer workouts usually happen early in the morning or late at night when the weather’s most likely coolest, so switch it up this winter and workout when the day’s at its hottest.

Given that this will almost always be at lunch time, adjust your regimen so you can get the bulk of your work on your lunch break. Find a gym that’s only a short distance away from your work, or see if your building comeswith its own fitness centre. If this isn’t an option, you can always go on a lunch run around the area, evenactually picking up your lunch while you’re at it.

Smaller workouts like aerobic exercises are great for a smaller time frame, because you can easily set-up in asecond. Just be sure to eat after the workout.

STAY INSIDE

The gym is perfect during the winter. It’s definitely warmer than the sub-zero outdoors, and there’s a goodchance you’ll have the place to yourself (or at least, not be jostled as much during the warmer months) when everybody’s shutting themselves inside.

Imagine getting on the treadmill without having to wait in line! Think about a clean, dry bench press! Imagine not having that pressure put in just a few more minutes, or a few more weights, because you somehow feel like others are silently judging you (they’re not)!

Definitely hit the gym during the winter and take advantage of the down season to squeeze in all the workoutsyou didn’t have time (or space) to try on more crowded days. Ask the management if there are any special events, promos, or discounts happening to really make the most out of the opportunity.

RUN IN THE SPRING

Sign up for a challenging spring marathon (think 10k, cross-country, etc.–the harder, the better) and create a new training regimen for that event. For that added incentive, specifically look for ones where you have topay for your slot, so you’re more motivated not to let your money go to waste. Train steadily and continuously throughout the winter, taking advantage of the above-mentioned tips on your practice runs.

EAT HEALTHY

Apparently you really are what you eat, so when you eat warm, comfort foods, you’re more likely to want to stay warm and comfy at home rather than up and active outside. Stock up on nutritious, well-balanced meals to give your body the fuel it needs to combat the cold and stay in top shape.

Try switching your regular foods with super-charged versions every once in a while, especially on days whenyou need an extra boost. For example, instead of just getting regular coffee, try one that’s loaded with otherenergy-boosting ingredients to really give you that much-needed pick-me-up.

LISTEN TO SUMMER

Many winter tunes are mellow jams perfect for the cozy and lazy vibe, so stay clear of these carols when working out. Instead, load up on upbeat summer hits to better get into that energetic vibe. Download the songs that remind you most of warmer months, lively parties, brilliant sunshine, and all the other things that make summer a fantastic time to workout.

Take this little mental exercise up a notch by dressing in summer colors and patterns. This nifty trick isn’t somuch as to make you forget about the winter chill, but to make you look forward to that sultry summer heat.

TAG A FRIEND

Whether it’s “the more, the merrier” or “misery loves company”, there’s no denying that having a friend alongcan really brighten up a dreary winter workout.

Get your friends on board with your workout regime, and even consider signing up with them on the marathon. Sync your goals so you’re really all in it together, and help to keep each other on track especially for theoccasional, expected lazy day.

BE DISCIPLINED

Ultimately, motivation, or “the general desire or willingness of someone to do something”, can be a fickle thing, and, therefore, not to be counted on to tide you through the long, arduous winter. While you and your friend might feel inspired to run a 10K today, a change in weather tomorrow might make you feel differently. With that being said, it’s infinitely better to face your fitness goals with something that would stay with you in the longrun: discipline.

Disciplining yourself can undeniably a challenge onto itself, but the rewards are definitely worth it. You’ll maintain a routine that significantly improves your body and overall well-being, and you constantly get the satisfaction of a job done–and a job done well at that.

You don’t have to worry about feeling bummed because of the cold because your body is all set to do whatneeds to be done anyway. At the end of the day, being disciplined means you don’t have to constantly struggleto push yourself to feel like doing things–you know you’ll get them done.

MAKING THE MOST OF A GYM MEMBERSHIP

Working out in the winter can be a walk in the park–literally and figuratively–with the right mindset. Warm upproperly before heading out. Time your workout when the sun is shining. Hit the gym. Sign up and train for a spring marathon. Eat the right foods to keep your energy. Listen to summer beats that get you moving in the warmer months. Get a friend to keep you company.

And above all, have the discipline to keep at your fitness goals especially for those times when you just “don’t feel like it”. You can also take out a membership in a no-contract fitness club like Rec Express where you can receive guidance from expert trainers, and not worry about getting stuck in contracts that can be so insanelystrict.

READ THE ARTICLE HERE.

#Writing Samples #Blog #Listicle #Creative Writing #RecXpress 24/7 Fitness

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itsbuckysworld · 6 years ago

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Studious - Part II - College!Sebastian Stan AU

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader.

this is kinda... wow ok its v long. yikesss.

Guest Appearance: Chris Evans, Elizabeth Olsen, Anthony Mackie, Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo as the teacher.

Warning: Drinking (responsibly)

Summary: Y/N and Sebastian have a lengthy class together. Y/N is the studious type, Sebastian isn’t. The two form a bond over class notes and projects, and their opposing personalities might fit in together just right.

A/N: AAHH! Here it is! Part two to Studious! You guys really enjoyed it and wanted a part two and I, of course, wanted to write one as well. Hopefully this is good and you guys enjoy it as much as the first one and I’m happy to announce that I planned ahead and might even have a third part planned to end this little impromptu mini series.

Studious tags : @ilovethings-somuch @void-imaginations @redefining-happinesss

PART 1

Y/N your name | Y/L/N your last name.

Much to Y/N’s relief, and quite frankly Sebastian’s as well, she was feeling better and ready to go back to her normal vividly studious self in no time, less than a week even.

Sebastian hadn’t been able to stop by anymore after the day he dropped the Sociology notes over, and the day after that as he promised, so when she walked in through the door the following class, she could hear his surprised clap and sigh of relief as Y/N walked up to their long shared desk. “Yes!” He slams a hand on the table top, looking up to the ceiling dramatically “Hallelujah” his relieved expression caused her to laugh out loud. “Well, I’ve been missed” she joked taking a seat next to the blue eyed man. “My wrist has never been happier to see you” he gives the shy girl a sly smirk. He’d smirked her way a couple times before, and neither one of them she know exactly how to take it, all of them making her a little tingly inside, more than she would ever admit. Sebastian and her caught up on what she had missed, which given Sebastian’s awful note-taking skills was a lot more than she thought and he was blushing in embarrassment. She assured him it was alright, that she would ask Mr. Ruffalo for notes or to email her a resume and work something out, and as the man in question walked into the room, y/n set down her notebook and pen, surprised to see Sebastian do the same. “What?” he asked confused. “I’m back, you don’t have to take notes” he only shrugged. “I’m kinda starting to like it, plus it’s unfair if I just feed off of your notes forever.” The last two classes without her helped him realize just how hard she worked for her notes and all he did was sit and listen and read whatever she allowed him to read. He would pass this subject quite literally on her shoulders, and that was unfair. So he thought it was time to put in, at least, some work. “That’s okay. I kinda like sharing notes” y/n announced, not leaving him a chance to reply as the teacher started with the day’s introductions. Once more Sebastian only blushed.

The semester seems to fly by in a blink of an eye, and along with it, the friendship between Sebastian and Y/N bloomed. From only talking before class to chatting after it too, and walking down the halls together until one of them reached their following classroom alongside y/n’s friend Elizabeth, had become sort of routine. Sometimes they would be joined by Chris, who they all found out Y/N knew from an elective earlier that school year, and slowly but surely, Y/N and Sebastian were more than just mere classmates.

With the end of the semester came the always hectic finals, and Sebastian knew before she even said it that Y/N had planned ahead weeks and weeks of non-stop studying. He knew her well enough by now to know that most if not all her activities included classes, revising and studying, with the occasional trip to the movie theater or binge watching Netflix documentaries – which in Seb’s mind classified somewhat as studying more often than not – at most.

Ruffalo had been clear, and instead of an exam he was assigning them a project in duos. Y/N chirped up and look into Sebastian’s bright blue eyes with a smile, and, by all means he wasn’t as studious and smart as she was, but she didn’t seem to mind as she poked his shoulder and called him partner, and knowing just how bookish she was, he knew he had to give his 100%, and he wanted to. For her. For the little defenseless ladybug that he had gleefully befriended over the course of the weeks.

He only wanted one little thing before that.

“Come on! It’s going to be fun!” he said, gathering his belongings after Professor Ruffalo wrapped up another lecture. Y/N seemed reluctant. Well that would be an understatement, she had already said no a couple times but Stan wasn’t having it. “Seb” “Y/N” he whined, practically begging as he fell into step with her. Elizabeth was nowhere to be found when they walked down the student-littered hallway. His hand reached up to push back stray strands of hair and he scratched his subtle stubble, and when he pulled them back down he took a hold of her heavy books, carrying them for her. She gave him a soft smile but continued to deny his invite. He had asked Y/N to join him the following Saturday and go to a bar close by where one of his friends would perform with his band. He wanted Y/N to let loose a little, have a little fun. He also wanted to see her in another environment that did not include classes and homework and complete and utter stress. He worried she would get sick again with how much she was overworking herself over exams she probably could ace in her sleep.

Before they knew it they had reached her next classroom, but Sebastian wouldn’t let go of her hand, grasping it in a tight hold with his free one. Her notebooks were heavy on his arm as he anticipated her answer after begging once more. “Fine!” she groaned, what else could she do? Saying no to Sebastian when he was this insistent only meant he would try again and again and again, and so – despite not thinking it was a good idea – she agreed to go. She figured she could come up with something between today and saturday, an excuse not to tag along, but not even her smarts could compete with his charm and – gently put – incessant spirit.

Saturday rolled around and, as he promised, he was by her dorm room at 6:45 pm. The small show wasn’t until around 8, probably even 9, but he hadn’t told her that in hopes that maybe he could take her out to eat before, or they could chat quietly before the whole ordeal started. Well, that was plan B, because plan A certainly included him having to fight her to make her go out in the first place. He knew her patterns already, and if she had any say in it, he was sure she would evade going.

Sebastian quietly thinks to himself that he should play the lottery numbers and make himself a rich man with this luck, because he was 100% right, his suspicions confirmed when Y/N opened her door in comfy wear and not at all looking like someone who had plans to go out.

Sure she looked cute and put together. Pink shorts and hair brushed back to perfection, like he always knew her – except for when she was coughing up a lung last week, voice raspy and tired from her cold – but he gave her a knowing grin when he saw her, as if saying ‘you’re not getting away with this that easily’ “Seb!” she acted surprised, but he was having none of it. “You ready?” Y/N racked her brain for something to say, whatever excuse she had failed to come up with in the past two days. Deep down a part of her wanted to go, join him for a night out, but the bigger, stronger part of her worried about her chemistry exam a little too much.

Sebastian walked inside her room and she still mumbled, trying to find the perfect excuse, but in the end all she could do was sigh. She couldn’t lie to his piercing blue eyes, and she didn’t have it in her to lie that well that Sebastian would back down. “I need to study for my chemistry exam, Seb. I can’t” All he did was nod, nonchalant, as if he expected no less. He looked at her desk and saw the scattered cue cards. He pointed to them with an arched eyebrow and she gave him a small smile. “So, there’s nothing I can do to pull you out of this room then, doll?” The nickname rolled of his tongue easily, too easily, and even he was surprised at his words. Y/N swallowed but tried to keep her composure. Nothing he could do to make her leave the room and stop studying. “I’ll make you a deal” he started with a smirk “I’ll help you revise these for the next–” he flipped his wrist his way to look at his watch. Very early still, he had time. – “for about an hour and a half, and then you’re coming with me to this show. No questions asked” “But–” “You said you’d come!” he whined with a chuckle “And, god, you need to take a break! Now, sit down. I’m going to read these and you’re going to get them all right and then we’re going for drinks” and that was his last word. “Fine. But I have to be back by 10” and he agreed, knowing very well that was not going to happen.

Sebastian read the cue cards to her a total of 3 times. He went through the whole pack with her answering expertly, and when he was done and having no more of it, he walked outside and waited in the hallway until she changed.

When she came out, cute blouse loose and swaying with the motions of her arms, comfy jeans and converse, Sebastian thought he was hallucinating. For starters he didn’t think it would actually work, that she would waltz out of her room all changed and ready for a night out, but then he noticed that she was slipping her keys and cue cards in her purse. He wanted to say something, but opted not to. If this was the only way to get her to join him then so be it. Besides, she’s not going to get much study time in a dive bar, that’s for sure. He gives her a side smirk, the kind that lets her know he noticed and he’s slightly mocking her as he calls a cab.

“Name three noble gases” he says in the confines of the back of a cab. “Helium, Neon, Krypton” “You said Krypton last time, give me another one” “Xenon” “Good, now please, put those cards down and let’s have fun.” He pays for the short car ride and stumbles outside of the taxi with her in tow, folding the lone cue card in his hand and slipping it in the pocket of his jeans, letting her know that was the last he wanted to hear of chemistry for the night. Y/N rolled her eyes at his childish behavior but continued to walk behind him.

The place was nice. For what she expected of dive bars according to movies and novels, she was waiting for a more rowdy and darker place where she would feel afraid before she could feel out of place, but this wasn’t half bad.

Brick walls, neon signs and rustic decor scattered all around, giving the place a much warmer feel, with a set of metal round stairs that led to an up area Y/N couldn’t see proper, but Sebastian would later on tell her the bathrooms were in that direction. It was brightly lit and filled with students and a couple of older looking people, many faces she had seen littered around campus, and others were total strangers, but the aura of the place was more welcoming than she would have ever thought. Sebastian lead the way as they went deeper inside the joint, over to the far end of the bar, closest to the small stage. For a second Y/N wondered if she even knew how to let loose and have fun, because all her brain could think about was atoms, molecules and chemical solutions, but it all easily moved to the back of her head whenever Sebastian snapped her out of her trance to make her pay attention to her surroundings. “Relax” he kept saying, as if she needed to be constantly reminded and he could sense her tense up every now and again. She babysat the same drink all night, just a light beer, and kept looking around at all the people, how some danced without a care in the world, how others worried more about finishing their drinks and flirting, and then there was Seb, who only cared about making sure she wasn’t feeling out of place, and that she was having at least a decent time.

When his friends went up on the stage – smoothly introduced as The Wings – they started with a cover of a song Y/N knew the lyrics to, the female singer helping her let go and focus on something other than her discomfort, and Sebastian couldn’t help but smile. This was a more calm Y/N, and he was glad to meet her. He felt as if after all this time he didn’t know Y/N fully, he only knew the driven focused one, not the one that threw her head back laughing or screamed over music to keep a conversation, the one that truly felt warm and alive. She could have been weirded out at first but after the first couple of songs he knew he had accomplished his mission, successfully getting her to take a much needed and deserved break.

He gladly introduced her to the band as they finished their set. His friend – Anthony, he’d said – played drums and the singer – who’s name was Scarlett – gave Sebastian a tight hug upon seeing him. She ruffled his hair and proceeded to kiss Y/N’s cheek as a friendly greeting. Y/N congratulated them on a great set, and couldn’t help but be a little starstruck by the gorgeous redhead in front of her. She had never met someone in a band, much less a band that sounded so cool and seemed to have somewhat of a following – if the screams from the bar-goers weren’t indication enough, the fact that most knew the lyrics to some of the band’s own original songs was enough to prove the point – so to say she was pleasantly surprised to see them and actually meet them, was an understatement. “You guys sounded so good” she smiled, all her nice teeth on display, causing Seb to smile just as widely behind her. “Thank you! We’re going to a party in about an hour, you guys up for it?” Anthony said, flipping one of his drumsticks in between two fingers. “Yeah, it’ll be fun, and we’re playing some more there too” Scarlett raised her eyebrows up and down repeatedly, taking a sip of her drink, trying to encourage them to tag along. Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, the other placed itself securely on Y/N’s lower back. She didn’t flinch of pull away, visibly more relaxed than an hour ago, her beer long gone. “I think that’s a little too much excitement for tonight for us” he excused the pair swiftly, but promised to make an appearance at their next gig, and he was greatly surprised when Y/N said she would love to tag along for the next one as well. And with that promise on the table they continued to talk and dance and joke around as the band killed time with Seb and their new friend Y/N.

“And Mackie was so drunk!” Sebastian’s laugh was loud and bright as he walked side by side with Y/N, whose snicker mimicked his boisterous one, up the sidewalk on their way back to campus, hands deep inside his jacket pockets, and her fingers played with the tassels on her purse, taking wide steps trying to keep up with his long legs. The distance from the bar back to the dorms wasn’t much and he didn’t want her to sit in a cab only to turn on the lights in the car and read though her notes again as she did on the way over. He wasn’t giving her space to think about class or exams, that was his goal.

They danced around lamp posts and hopped over cracks on the cement path, laughing and telling tales, mostly Sebastian given that Y/N had never been one to go out much, leaving her with little to no stories of drunk friends and loud adventures. “Admit it” he started after they fell into silence, the wind moving his long-ish hair around and nipping at their rosy smiley cheeks. Y/N looked up to the man, catching his blue eyes staring down at her intensely. “You had fun”

She jokingly pushed him away, not being able to hold in a laugh, but the truth was that she couldn’t even lie to herself, it felt like she didn’t know how to have fun until tonight, and she had lots of it. “I did” she shrugged lightly, but Sebastian felt accomplished. “See? And you’re still incredibly prepared for your exams. Nothing wrong with taking small breaks Y/N” “You’re right. I just… I’ve never really cared for anything else other than studying” her voice was small, almost a whisper as she smiled up at him. The brunette gave her a mocking look, as if saying he didn’t believe it, but the truth was, deep down he did. He wasn’t wrong when he sensed her as a cute defenseless puppy, she was just a very shy and locked up one, and from the looks of it, had been for a long time now, maybe even before high school even. “You’re just the studious type” he said nonchalant. “I am, aren’t I” she said a little shy but he assured her there was nothing to feel bad about “It’s fine.” he poked her shoulder “You just care for A’s and passing classes, and then maybe you can take a break, but as long as there’s something to do, you’re not stopping until it’s done, and that’s remarkable really” “Maybe… And what are you then? What’s your type?” Sebastian was taken aback by her question. He never saw himself as more of a normal student. He shrugged. “I don’t know. Just a guy who tries to pass. If I like a class I do good in it, duh, if I don’t then a C- will do” that was a sentence Y/N could not relate to. B’s were a nightmare in her eyes. Truly a mission failed, and she realized that yes, she really was the studious type, but Sebastian didn’t let her feel bad for it for a single second.

As they approached the campus grounds their laughters died down, trying to keep quiet so as to not disturb anyone that could be around, or the people in the first floors of the living buildings they passed. “Listen,–” Sebastian resumed as they walked down the middle of campus, cutting across the small park that marked the center of the college grounds, on his way to her dorm building. He was dropping her off at her door and he wasn’t taking a no for an answer. – “I know I should care more for my grades and all. I’m the kind of guy that should study more and you… You’re the kind of girl that needs to study a little less” his eyes shone, letting her know he was half joking, half serious, and for the first time since God knows when, Y/N thinks that he’s right, she could use a couple more breaks every once in a while. Sebastian pushed open the glass doors that led to the living area in her building. This was as far as he could make it without earning himself a warning from some Dorm Monitor because guys shouldn’t be around girls dorms at this time.

“I was thinking, what are you doing tomorrow?” Y/N started to panic. There was no way she could do this again tomorrow, or something similar. There would be no more breaks in her study schedule, this one was already enough. She just said she could study less but that didn’t mean she would start right now. It was a slow process, like rehab. Or was he going to ask her out some other way? No, she was not ready for that. Was she? “Oh god, Seb, no. I had fun, I did, but I can’t postpone studying anymore, I-” “No no. I was going to say we could go to the library? Get started on Ruffalo’s project?” he smiled at her, seeing her immediately ease up. “We already did tonight my way. Let’s do tomorrow your way, yeah?” the smile on his face was too warm and welcoming for her to bear. He was…

He was just too amazing and Y/N had to admit that even when he insisted – quite a lot – on going out, she never actually felt pressured by him or forced, deep down she wanted to see what all the fuzz in not studying was about because she’s never known anything other than it, and something about him and how he was always gentle with her and caring – the man did drop by her room twice while she was sick, and they weren’t even friends-friends back then – let her know that if she was actually uncomfortable or it was something that she genuinely couldn’t or didn’t want to do, he would stop insisting. So it was safe to say she felt secure with him around, like he knew her boundaries and wanted to push them, but only at a pace she could manage. She was grateful for that.

“Sure. I’ll text you?” and with quick nods they set the plans in stone. “Great. Well, here you are. Right on curfew” Sebastian joked, trying his best to keep his laughter in a whispery level so that no unwanted attention would be drawn to them. “It is almost midnight, Sebastian, that is so not curfew” She had noticed the time ages ago, realizing after she found herself singing along to Shape Of You with the rest of the bar at what her phone marked as 10:30 pm that she was not going to make it back to campus on time, and looking over to Sebastian’s smiling face as he screamed the lyrics out of tune, she found herself surprisingly not caring a single bit. “Hey, every college student has to get in trouble for breaking curfew at least once, that’s like… tradition” his hands were thrown up in a defensive motion, as if saying it wasn’t his fault when it sure as hell was, but Y/N wasn’t about to point any fingers. She hadn’t minded.

As they said their goodbyes and she thanked him once more for the night out Sebastian took a hold of her hand, making her turn to his frame that still stood in the dimly light living area, jacket framing his body perfectly and the lamps just bright enough for her to make out the blue in his eyes as vibrant as ever. “Promise me you’re going straight to bed, no more revising. You’ve already done enough of that. It’s a miracle you don’t get sick more often, woman” he gave her another eye roll and she giggled. “Promise” her feet absentmindedly took her closer to him as she pressed a quick peck to his cheek. Sebastian prayed and prayed and prayed that the lights were low enough that she wouldn’t see him turning into an actual tomato. “Good” he choked out, regaining his composure with a quick shake of his head. His hands pushed his hair back, a nervous habit, and he cleared his throat “Now I need to sneak my way out of here and back to my room without getting caught. I have one too many broken curfew notes on my record” “Oh my god” Y/N laughed, properly out loud, before trying to contain herself. They were going to get caught if she kept this up “You’re reckless, Stan” she whispered stepping away from him. He took steps backwards towards the glass doors, still focused on her frame as a loving chuckle escaped his lungs. “You’re cute, Y/L/N”

Seb made it to his dorm like a ninja in the middle of the night, quickly changing out of his jeans, jacket and shirt with the aid of one lamp – he didn’t want to wake Chris up – and staying half dressed, only clad in his boxers and undershirt, deeming that enough to go to sleep, as he folded his clothes to put away. A small piece of paper fell from the folded jeans, slipping out of one of the pockets. Sebastian unfolded the edges and read over the words. He took in Y/N’s pristine handwriting ‘name at least 3 noble gases’. Sebastian chuckled, placing it on top of his desk as he reminisced of the night he had gone through. He found himself smiling, wanting to see more of the relaxed Y/N, finding her equally as endearing as the studious one. “How was your date” Chris ’s rough, sleep-filled voice startled him. The sheets ruffled as he propped himself on his bed to face his best friend that seemed to be just getting in. With a quick glance he saw the time on the clock. Fifteen past midnight. “Jeez, Evans. It wasn’t a date” Sebastian rolled his eyes as he let his body flop on his comfy sheets, ready to rest for the night. “Uh-huh… Why are you smiling like that then” the teasing continued and all Seb could do was groan. After a short silence where he could tell Chris was still staring at the outline of his body across the room and wouldn’t let go of the topic anytime soon, he sighed contently. “I just am, Chris. I just am”

FEEDBACK IS GREATLY APPRECIATED! AHHHH WHAT DID YOU THINK?! I THINK I’M GIVING THIS A FINAL PART 3 LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT IT!

I no longer write Real People Fiction, and this will not have a part 3, I apologize and hope you understand.

HERES MY ASK Have a good day lovelies

Smooches, L xo <3

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wildm00dswings · 6 years ago

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end of year asks- that ill be answering myself cuz the ghost of david bowie told me to

what did you learn about yourself this year? that no matter how much progress i make in life i somehow wind up back in the same place i was in 2012; bored in my room silently suffering alone

best moment of the year? going to disneyland for the first time at the ripe age of 20

worst moment of the year? the abandonment phase of late june 2018,, that wasnt fun

what was the biggest change you experienced this year? moving. i dont like moving. it was somuch work. moved from the hometown to a city i hadn’t visited since 2008.

best song of the year? Softcore - The Neighbourhood. ive listened to it five million times, i hIGHly recommend it

best album of the year? VI - You Me At Six. “Fast Forward” was my favorite track, also highly recommend it

what’s one thing that happened this year that you want to change? how #depressed i was while in Los Angeles. i was living my best gotdam life going to disneyland and all of a sudden im crying in the bathroom of our hotel at 2 in the morning for n o r e a s o n. i feel like a sad corpse every day of the year it had NO RIGHT to show up that week. there were somany amazin moments i couldnt enjoy bcus of it. i know i have no control over the mental disorder but i still believe i had the ability to replace it with serotonin instead

best book/book series of the year? i havent touched a book since 2005

best television series? CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. greatest show ive ever seen holy heck im so glad i discovered it this year.

how was your love life this year? non-existant. i talked to three guys who ended up ghosting me in less than a week that was fun.

what made you cry the most this year? the depression i shouldve never befriended six years ago

biggest regret of the year? the surprise depression while in LA. not being sympathetic enough was also a big thing but thats p much every year

best movie of the year? i literally only watched one movie in 2018 and that was Indredibles 2

favourite place you travelled this year? Los Angeles (to be fair its the only place i traveled to at all this year, i rlly need to travel more)

did you make any new friends? i almost did back in october but for no gotdam reason i completely ghosted them and it still haunts me to this day. they were so fun to talk to why did i stop replying why do i s u cK somuch

did you learn anything about your sexuality this year? im still quite bi

what are some hobbies that you developed? paying more bills?? idont kno W

what surprised you the most this year? how boring my 21st birthday was. i literally did nothing. didnt drink, didnt get a cake. just got a “o hey ur 21 now neat” and thats it. why tf was i looking forward to this age so much as a kid literally nothing happened.

do you look different from the beginning of the year? not even a little bit. im still waiting to evolve into some bomb ass mcdonalds french fries. till then im still a dirt covered potato.

how did this year treat you in general? more lows than highs tbh. im still a dying corpse, but a corpse that went to disneyland .. . !!

what message would you give yourself at the beginning of the year? “you got a sh*t storm coming u thought 2017 was a struggle holy fnck prepare for world war III family fights and some real suicidal thoughts″

has your fashion style changed this year? nope. still living in band tees black jeans and converse... .. i just realized how yikes that is im in my flipping 20s now and i still dress like a high schooler who listens to green day’s american idiot on repeat wtf do adults where? ??

one of the best meals you’ve had this year? Denny’s Grand Slam meal. idk why but it was all i ever wanted to eat while in los angeles.

who has made the biggest impact in your life this year? probably the peeps that fncked me over

what’s one thing that you hope will continue next year? my trips to los angeles. even tho i had to learn the hard truth that ur depression doesnt just fnck off while ur on vacation, getting on a plane and visiting the city is so amazing cant believe i only live five hours away from it i cant wait to go back next year. @silentcypress take this fun little 2018 summary questionnaire i tagged u in it so u have to

#12-24-18 #its 2am and im wide awake #the cup of coffee i just finished in 0.3 seconds didnt help

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withyouandthemoon · 6 years ago

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Five years ago today the Original Hybrid promised our favorite baby vampire he would be her last love, however long it takes, sparking the Klaroline endgame we have all been waiting for. In honor of this momentous day, share your endgame headcanons or hopes and anonymously c&p this message to 5 Klaroliners #klarolinecountdown #5yearanniversary

Sorry it took me a while (as is, sadly, usually the case with me) but believe me I’m as excited as the next person for our fast (not fast enough but I’ll die waiting) approaching endgame! So…I’ve managed to come up with this little something as my headcanon for the end of this season. Hope you enjoy!

Dust to Dust

She didn’tmean to finish the wine.

One of herpersonal traits that Caroline took the most pride in was her remarkableself-control. Half a glass of red to relax and warm up her body after a longday? Sure, why not. Finding the whole bottle gone and herself a bitlight-headed before she even knew it? Not exactly her thing.

Quietlysighing, Caroline twirled the empty glass between her fingers. She could almostpick up the tiny hum of the air gliding along the delicate curve, if not forthe incessant nagging of the rain outside the windows of her hotel suite. Noteto self: it does rain in Rome, no matter how hot and sunny her romance-maniackind of a mind pictured the ancient city.

She alsodidn’t mean to forget about checking the weather before she came here.

A call came aweek ago about a newly-manifested young werewolf roaming the area and causingtroubles. She hopped on a plane shortly after, telling herself that it was anurgent, code-orange issue that required her immediate attention, although therewas rarely an item on her schedule that wasn’t planned at least one monthbeforehand.

It was a merecoincidence that one of her informants happened to find a lead to a certainhybrid on the same day.

A lead whichwas now crossed off from the note-pad sitting right before her on the coffeetable, along with the countless other dead-ends scribbled inside.

No one hadcaught wind of him since the final battleas they’d come to call it. Cliché, and not in the least bit accurate for therewas no way this could be the end of all supernatural commotion, but somehowstill fitting in all its brutal glory and ominous implications.

Caroline hadonly heard of what happened in bits and pieces. Some of them lined up, some ofthem didn’t, but all of them led up to the biggest news of centuries in theentire supernatural community. For months it was all everyone talked about-beit a hushed whisper in the back alley, a vengeful rant fumed by booze andrecklessness, excited but clueless gossip among kids in the boarding school, orcryptic-wording posts from daring paranormal social accounts.

He was KlausMikaelson after all. If he was not imposing on your physical being, you betyour ass he would be an intruding thought in your spiritual one. There was justno going around-Caroline should know.

Still therumor was never confirmed. Not according to Caroline anyway, even if she’d seenthe look of utter desolation on Hope’s face after she’d performed the mostcomplex form of the locater spell for the hundredth time; even if Rebekah’slast message to her was lying in her inbox like a vervain bomb, to the pointwhere she felt burned whenever she touched her phone.

Nik’s gone. Just thought you should know.

But toCaroline those were just two other puzzle pieces that she held in her hand.Seemingly crucial ones, yes, but single and misplaced all the same. And shewould not stop until she got the full picture.

Board was setup in her office, turned to the back whenever anyone entered; importantevidences were pinned, lines drawn, leads and inference written in variedcolors. She remembered another board not unlike this from a lifetime ago, whenher then best friend was trying to track down the epic love of her life whiskedaway by the villain out of nowhere.

And now, afterall this time…the kidnapper went missing. The chaser became the chased.

Talk aboutkarma.

Once or twice,or more like a thousand times in the past eight months she’d thought about thepossibility of going back in time and changing it all. Of actually beingpresent at the crime scene instead of being stuck on this cold trail like therenegade cop on some outdated TV show.

But then she’dremember his face when she’d seen him last, such tenderness and vulnerabilityshining through his eyes with sheer passion like molten steel, pulling her inand swallowing her whole, and his low voice all but a whiff of smoke hauntingin his wake, “some battles are destinedto be fought alone, sweetheart.”

And fighttheir own battles they did. Only that his had already been finished, and herswas just beginning.

Or…not.

Caroline’shead snapped up the second she caught the reflection on the wall of her wineglass, the vague outlines of the figure sending a violent jolt through her deadheart, leaving her entire chest paralyzed and aching. Putting down the glasswith a shaky hand, she slowly trod to her glass balcony door, her eyesfixated on the dark shadow of a man on the opposite side.

She hated somuch to admit that with unkempt hair and eight-month worth of beard, drenchedto the bones in rain and weariness, Klaus Mikaelson was still the hottest manshe’d ever seen.

But Klaus’hotness had never saved him from her sharp tongue.

“When Ipictured our possible Rome encounter, I was thinking more along the lines of Roman Holiday with a supernaturalhappy-ending twist, not Pretty Woman.”She stopped two steps from the door, crossing her arms.

Klaus eyed herwith a half-smile, “one of these days I’ll be sure to get to the bottom of allyour lovely little references, Caroline.”

Carolinesnorted, gesturing towards him with her index finger, “this is a little toocreepy, even for you.”

“I’m afraidyou’ll have to be more specific, love.” Klaus repaid her with a cheeky grin.

“Fine, let mespell it out for you. You appear on my balcony at night, in the rain, without asound, after having gone missing for eight whole months.” She tilted her headslightly to the side, silently taking in the rigidness of his body, “like Isaid, creepy.”

“Missing?” Klaus croaked out as iftasting the word on his tongue, a bitterness creeping into his smirk, “that iscertainly an interesting euphemism.”

“So you didfake your own death.” Her eyes sharply bore into his, and the subtle flick ofhis eyelashes was all the confirmation she needed.

Klaus held hergaze almost defiantly for a while before sighing, shaking his head, “and Iwould have stayed dead, if not for your persistent pursuit almost blowing mycover.” He licked his lips, his eyes once again meeting hers, “you’ve been mostdevoted to your students, Headmistress Forbes.”

Even hismasked hesitancy was scorching, the inconspicuous pauses smoldering withunspoken desire and despair.

“Last Ichecked you didn’t exactly fit into the criteria of young and gifted, you know. More like old and temperamental,” Caroline’sface softened at the slight widening of Klaus’ eyes as he registered the truemeaning behind her words, “and impossible to get rid of.”

“You almostmade it sound like a bad thing.”

“Well Icouldn’t decide until I knew for sure, now could I?” Caroline shrugged, “it waslike, Schrodinger’s Hybrid, orwhatever.” She pointed a finger at his raised eyebrows, “don’t say a word. Youcan’t even begin to imagine what you can pick up among a bunch of modern-ageteenagers.”

Klaus clampedhis lips shut with an amused look on his face like he normally did in thesesituations, but Caroline found that she couldn’t even bring herself to getannoyed this time. Even with the glass door between them she could sense thetension pulling at his muscles, the tumultuous thoughts swirling in his brain,the hopelessly unquenched thirst withering away in every fiber of his being,all while they continued with their light-hearted banter as if nothing hadhappened.

But something did happen.

Something thatput invisible lines at the corner his eyes and unnoticeable wrinkles on hisforehead. Something that dragged him and slowed him down even when he stoodtall and still. Something that managed to further age this ageless being-ifthat was at all possible.

Overpowered bya sudden urge to get closer to him, Caroline slid the door open in one swiftmove.

A whirlwind ofsensations instantly hit her vampire senses like she just stepped under awaterfall, and for a moment there she couldn’t breathe, drowned in those keyelements that tingled her skin, infiltrated her lungs and echoed on her tastebuds: Rain. Rome. Klaus.

“And it seemsthat my persistent pursuit paid off.”She carefully kept her voice leveled and her breaths even-one word louder thannecessary and one intake deeper, and she knew she would be done for.

Klaus had thatmuch of an effect on her. Caroline had long since made peace with that fact.

And ever sinceshe stopped blocking out whatever connection sparkling between the two of them,some other details that she once overlooked on purpose became painfully clear.Like how Klaus’ whole being tilted towards her without taking a single stepwhenever she was in the vicinity. A shift in his weight, a tiny turn of hisjaw, an extra layer of allure in his already sinful voice-she didn’t even thinkit was intentional.

“I always knewyou were as stubborn as you were smart, sweetheart.” There was an unusual glintdeep in his eyes, kind of like the one she spotted in the young werewolf’s eyeswhen she left him with a regional pack that was willing to take him in. Partrelieved, part wistful. The kind when you knew you were done roaming alone.

Sensing hisunease, she changed into a lighter tone, “it takes more than some supernaturalgossip to make me fall for your little ruse, you know.”

“Wouldn’tdream of it, love.” Klaus chuckled softly, hanging his head, a curl of hisunruly hair falling into his left eye.

BeforeCaroline realized it, her hand had already reached out on its own accord,gently smoothing the lock to the side. His skin was still wet from the rain,yet so hot to the touch she wondered why there wasn’t any steam forming underher fingers.

As if notrealizing it himself, Klaus leaned into her touch until his temple was restingin the half-hold of her palm. The joint sigh from the unexpected wave ofcomfort charging through startled them both.

Klaus startedto pull away, albeit agonizingly slow, and the emptiness accumulating inCaroline’s palm felt just as palpable as his warm flesh. Acting on pureinstinct, she let her fingers follow his movement attentively, sliding down hisstubbled cheek until they hovered over his jaw line, the friction propelling aninaudible purr from the back of her throat.

“I see the oldsaying still has some merit in it-” Klaus whispered, his breath tickling thetender skin between her fingers, and shivers went through her like an eveningbreeze saturated with the drizzle, making her insides incredibly soft andmellow, “distance does makes the heart grow fonder.”

Apparentlythat inaudible purr was not soinaudible to vampire hearing after all.

Carolinehuffed a little, but her thumb rubbing circles against his jaw was gentle asever, “smug, aren’t we? Never heard of the saying about alleged death makingthe ego grow bigger though.”

Klaus widenedhis eyes, feigning innocence, “why love, I was actually talking about myself.But it’s always flattering to learn that the feeling is mutual.” His lipscurled into a devilish smirk, “though I shouldn’t really be surprised, given thatyou’ve traveled across the ocean for an allegedlydead person.”

“Alleged being the key word.” Carolinewiggled her eyebrows at him, “and if you’ve ever been a mean girl in highschool, you know not to take anything at face value.”

“Can’t saythat I have.” Klaus softly snorted, a playful shimmer dancing in his eyes, “butI guess being an evil villain for athousand years would somewhat suffice.”

“More orless.” Caroline nodded haughtily, biting her lips to keep a straight face, butfailed miserably as a string of laughter rippled out of her. Shaking, her handfell off from his cheek, only to be secured back to its previous place by his.

Carolinecleared her throat, “I’m getting the hang of it anyway.” There was a puzzledlook in Klaus’ eyes, but he didn’t push her, content with just letting hervoice flow around him, while feeling her skin under his callused fingers.

“Imean…there’s always all this rumor about the original hybrid surrounding me.A massacre here, a bit of a torture there, some vicious scheming once in awhile. You know, the usual.” She rolled her eyes a little out of habit, and hemerely hummed, the sound vibrating low in his chest, and Caroline was suddenlymade hyper aware of their proximity.

She loweredher voice accordingly, her eyes stumbling straight into the blue-grey tempestof his, and she weathered it like someone set on chasing the storm, “andthen…there’s you.”

Damaged,troubled, unbelievably lost; wary, earnest, secretly expectant…warm. Living. Real.

His eyes burnther like a hellfire and Caroline could swear his irises were flashing amber fora split second, the beast in him bursting from the barely-held seams. But adeep inhale later he settled for a dark smirk, his eyes now downcast, “do Ilive up to the rumors?”

Carolinesighed, “give yourself some more credit, Klaus.”

“Now don’t goall soft on me, love.” He shook his head a little, humorless chuckle boominginside, faintly like the hauling from a ghost house, “I’m much too jaded foryour pity.”

Damn him for his sorrow-filled dimples.

Caroline couldsee the dark shadows struggling on his face, violent and rampant like some wildcarnivorous vines, or a deadly spell that she once saw a coven of witchesperform in her travels which created a dreadful mark that grew from thevictim’s extremities right to their heart. She didn’t know if she knew him sowell that she could see through his usually airtight façade or if what’d beeneating him inside was just powerful enough to tear that façade apart.

Whatever itwas, she would not leave it alone ashe was probably wishing with all his will power.

Instead sheput a little more pressure under his jaw, gently but firmly forcing him to lookinto her eyes, “do you really think that low of me? Or yourself?”

He staredmotionlessly at her, his face perfectly blank save for the flash ofregistration of his own words thrown back at him. The rain poured down harderin that long drawn-out moment, the wind picking up, stumbling through branchesand buildings and everything in between, but all the noises in the world couldnot have drowned out the deafening silence between them.

Klaus’s hairwas soon all soaked again from the rain blown towards her balcony, drips ofwater gathering on his eyelashes until it finally got overload, and he blinked,heavy and disoriented, the raindrop sliding down his face like a tear, but hiseyes were dry as a lifeless wilderness, cracking into bottomless gorges.

“I don’t know whatto bloody think anymore, Caroline.”

Caroline heardhis whisper in the raging storm, followed by the breaking of her own heart, asshe watched his face crumble in front of her into ruins, and an irrationalvindictive thought filled her heart that the ancient city below their feetshould instantly collapse from the tempest around them, that he should not be the only one fallingapart.

Not alone.

“Then don’t.”She heard herself whisper back, still holding his gaze as her trembling lipsapproached his.

The secondtheir lips touched Caroline knew her senses from earlier were correct-he didtaste like rain. And Rome. And mostly,Klaus. In contrast to his skin, his lips were cold, so Caroline didn’t holdanything back as she licked and sucked and swallowed down anything that stolehis temperature. The raindrops resting on the corner of his mouth, the windcutting through, the initial wince and freezing from Klaus himself, theloneliness, fear and defeat slithering down the surface.

She took them all.

Soon they wereall tangled up without a way out-eager tongues, hot breaths, clinging limbs,incoherent moans. His hand was holding the back of her head to him with so muchforce while his tongue plunged through her mouth, as if he didn’t know whichcould get him closer to her faster.

Carolinereached up to lose her fingers in the curls at the nape of his neck, addingjust the right amount of pressure while her pinky gently brushed his pulsepoint. The gesture seemed to ground him, as Klaus’ motions became less frantic.He retreated his tongue a little to more thoroughly ravage her already swollenlips, his body slowly relaxing only to envelop her in a steaming cocoon asevery curve of them fit seamlessly into each other.

The onlynon-Klaus sensation floating in the peripheral of her consciousness was theraindrops sizzling at the back of her exposed hand.

When theyfinally pulled back, both breathing hard, Caroline cupped Klaus’ cheek againwith her hand that was caressing his chest just seconds ago, “I’m glad. That youare alive.”

They werestill so close she could almost feel the shape of his smile with her own.

“You don’tseem too surprised.”

She shrugged alittle, “I’ve only once truly believed in your demise, and that was a long timeago.”

And sheliterally danced on his grave that time. How things have changed.

“Not even whenyou came to New Orleans for the first time?” His tone was so casual it took agood two seconds before his question sank in.

“What…? Howdid you…?” Her own inquiries died on her tongue before they fully made out ofher lips. Of course he knew. And it suddenly dawned on Caroline that one of thereasons she could be so…her aroundhim was because deep down, she always assumed that he knew.

So she justshook her head, “not even then.”

He lowered hiseyes, a ghost of a smile donning the corner of his lips, “it warms my heartthat you would seek my help in times of need, Caroline,” even through hishooded eyelashes the intensity of his gaze still penetrated her like lightening, electric flames roaring through her veins, “but it alsopains me that I was not there to lessen your woes.”

Caroline couldhear his tiny gasp when she pressed her lips to his cheek, “then it’s a goodthing I’m here for yours.”

He stared ather for a long minute, an amazed look softening every line on his face, as ifhe couldn’t quite believe she was real, “in these past months I’ve wondered ifthis was what it felt like on the other side. Watching on the sideline, alllinks to the living severed…as far as the rest of the world’s concerned, I nolonger exist.”

He was tryinghard to contain the tremor in his voice, but his tightening grip aroundCaroline’s waist gave him away, “and yet now, looking at you…” he blinked a fewtimes, searching her face for something that Caroline suspected even he himselfwasn’t sure was there. But he clearly found it, as he let out a quiet sigh, theblue in his eyes stilling to a mirror in which Caroline could see her ownsearching ones, “I think I’ve found my anchor.”

Caroline couldpractically feel his gaze brushing every inch of her, drinking her in like shewas the only color in a world of endless grey.

She knew itwas a skewered perception. And she would show it to him, starting tomorrow-Romehad the richest colors you could dream of, the murals, the architecture, thefruits and wine, the sun…she would show him all. But today she would just focuson getting him dry and clean. That was enough for now.

So she tookhis hand and wordlessly led him into the secluded light and warmth of her room.

With a smilethat for the first time tinted his eyes that night, he wordlessly let her.

#klaroline #klaroline drabbles #klaroline fanfiction #kc drabbles #kc fic #my fic #replies #hopefully the real season ending will be more satisfying than this long-winded nonsense #but well...i sure tried lol #anonymous #ask #z writes

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murlinxmaverick · 4 years ago

Text

Max-Q

This is the start. We just made a decision that we must keep. I cant remember exactly what it was but I thought out the whole idea and it was beautiful, sexy, spontaneous, and all that great stuff. But its gone. I cant remember it any more so this is my attempt to remebering it as it was in that moment of escapism. This blog is for you. This is the start of becoming the person you are today, a letter from your past self. I’m making changes to this shit life. I started writing this thing like 6 days ago or something and I cant remember wtf I wanted to say. We had a revelation of what the future can bring if you just put everything into it. I want to break the boundaries and go above the limits of this shit life.

user912968235, you are no longer bounded to your role. You are free to do anything. lets go to the fucking stars because we are literally ripping the mental shackles off. i can actually feel pain in my arms as im writing this. its probably from the way I’m sitting but I will not let the irony just slip by like so many other opportunities have. And right now what we need to focus on is the shit memory we have, or maybe by now, I have. I want this life to be writn by your hand and not the hand of an other. take control of this narrative, write a fucking campaign like some mad scientist on shrums. Lets fuck shit up. Lets find the love of our life. lets build a home where everyone wants to be, a place where people come and ask to stay. never turning down those you love. family, friends and just great people.

Lets stay humble and work hard every moment we get. but also take breaks and let loose when the time is right. dont be lazy. because you had loads of time and youve wasted so much of it. But we are at a critical point, Max-Q aint no joke, we can really fuck it up here. We must start to plan out our future. I’m talking self image, ladies and career. we are starting at rock bottem because thats where i am. but not for long. this starship is not going to stay grounded for long. (starshitp just crashed) I’m talking werried i know. i must think about what I say before saying, my instinctive verbal responses are never wha people want to hear, lets start thinking. I have some serioius mental issues and the mind is so powerful. It should be functioning at max capacity, or else whats the point. i need to send this bitch to the garage because its not working right. Im going insane. like you cant stay focused on one thing and because of that you cant remember shit. like wtf dude, just slow down and live in the moment. remember to acknowledge yourself and the little victories. You hear this all the time and its kinda true. buit the difference is no one has your life and no one will ever have your life so no one can tell you what is right. you must decide. i must decide. and i have. i have decided to be an artist, a scientist, a pornstar, and teacher, a great son, a great brother, a great friend to those who are great. Im tired of esisting, i want to live.

Lets do a recap: 2020 has been shit. I cannot remember shit because most of it you would rather forget. For instance, all the masterbation, the porn watching. you do it too much for not to be part of your income. Be a journalist for playboy or something. like please, get something out of looking at these computer ladies all the time. Diahann got away. that fucking sucked. We tought about contacting Erika, just get her to be a voice actress in you movie. that is your oplan on getting her back. uhm what else. look at how low dropping out of college is on this thing. why? like I really dont care, do I? so yeah we got to get back to that and finish. because we need to be done with it. just make sure to keep practicing and well finish. You did! Music still isnt a big part of our life. the world is at your fingertips and all you can seem to view is shit like google, and social media. this year youve gotten closest to drawing by searching things that influence you. We are going to sell advertisments. but we must build outr protfolio. you Just made the email adress today. that had to have been the easiest and hardest step you have taken. (the first little acievement acknowledged) What else... IDK whatever. time to focus on the future.

So the plan is to not put somuch pressure on yourself, time to give yourself less to think about. stay busy. dont let anytime go to waste and use it on fewer things. or more things, idk , you dont do much as of right now. But yes. the remainder of 2020 will be used to plan for the future, we want hot chicks lots of money and true happiness in our future. lets get organized and lets change it up. i want three comics done, wake up being the focus, then that adult comic you have in mind with the black market and buying a girl. idk some crazy shit. just do it. let your demons free. think of the craziest shit and hide it in plain sight. fix your car and make it worth driving. because its kinda shit. focus your story to being about reusing. education, and storage. Maximize your brain and push it to its limits. do let the time slip. Time slippage is damaging your tools to grow. Plan on remembering more information. read. write. film. photograph, invest. do it. you cant continue like this. Plan like you are the person you want to be and you will becomethat person. And most importantly, you must reflect, that is the most important part rightnow. Work on a play. Make it powerful. that can be a form of reflection. but make sure you are planning a future that you want. you cannot be successful if you do not.

The girl: this is probably the biggest part to you rightnow. she is going to be everything you want. and you must be everything she wants. so think along those lines and do what you need to do make that happen. she going to be beautiful and you are going to keep being reminded everytime you look at her, and she will know by the way you look at her, wha you say and what you do. fuck her till she cant form sentences. Be that guy, thats who i want to be. i wnat small tits. please. you know!

And take it one step at a time. just try to be productive with your time. Keep learning. today Diana thanked me for opening up to her because when she asked how i was feeling i replied with” stressed horny tired and depressed” instead of the usual “ok” and she really liked that. i need to be better at talking to her but also choose your words wisely, she loves to talk. I dont trust her to keep a secret. that might be a friendship thats worth keeping though, i think her and Nani will get along.

i am broken in so many ways. and a lot of is is simply neglect. pay attention to it all and fix it. start exposing yourself the be best and become the best. Train the brain everymoment you get. because right now its starting to feel like a burden. like your thoughts are holding you back, but instead they are whats propelling you forward. i am proud of who i am regardless of my past mistakes. Keep yout back straight and head up.

Ihate doing something and it not being perfect. that is what is keeping me from doing anything, and now i have done nothing. i need to react to not doing something perfect differnetly then i have because i cant keep doing the same things, its whats keeping me back. you are gemini. what ever the fuck that means. if you need someone to hold you accountable, then stream your shit and act like someone is always watching you. Do porn. (<jesus fuck im funy) .

that brings me to the topic of astrology. i am going to study this shit like its some kind of science and im going to use this knowledge to fuck hot women. i swear its going to be a mind fuck of total satisfaction. yes.

This is going nowhere at this point. back to future me. Adopt a kid and mold that mother fucker into a fucking jem. and be the kind of guy he will always look up to and he will become someone you look up to. acknowledge his ideas as an equal. and get strong. we gotta be able to protect them from anything.

gotta look good too, start buying like you know who you are. you are everyone and everything is going this way for a reason. i wnat to be responsable and i need to look the part.

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