#but its still gunna be epic

[lunatickfemme]

New Spiderverse Movie: a rant

Okay so lemme preface this with saying I haven't seen the movie, I do plan on going sometime soon as such I am putting my thoughts down here to look back up on and ponder where it all went wrong.,..or right TikTok being the spiolery bitch it is gave me a glimps of the movie to specify from the moment Miles figured out they brought him there to keep him from saving his dad untill he gets tackled by what I am assuming is his alternate self in the universe he ended up in ya know the wrong one the one without spiderman that being said I do not believe in any way the hobo spiderman had anything to do with this he is obviously on Miles side and no one can convince me otherwise also why did he want Miles to hold the baby sooooo badly.....dose the baby have powers....can the baby track people thru universes? travel thru them??? my friend simps hard for the one spiderman to which I'm like nope he done fucked with the cinnamon roll Miles he gotta go, I am really really hoping (from him getting tacked on the roof by what looks like him in the no spiderman verse) that he's going to find out that he and his uncle are anti hero or something like that making the world better for the people and I have this whole.head cannon from this little spit second glimps that they go on this adventure and such together and miles figures put that even if there is no spiderman is this universe it's okay because there are still good people willing to stand and up and help an... i have the feelings okay???? Also canon Event? Fuck that bullshit. Fuck that it's fated so why bother bullshit! No fucking way. No way no how. That is seriousngoebfidnnejdxjsndjdje fjbfbbdhd

Ughhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Like for real though that's some bullshit.

[hollisofficial]

got my merch in the mail today and this is literally how it feels

[bear-cubs-art-things]

Oh yeah here's this post on g&b character trivia I never got to post 💀

Little shits for you little shits /affectionate

Blue

his voice is a little deep for a bean like him, but he got that from his father

He actually has retractable claws like a cat! You know the claws that rare bowgarts have on their toes? He has those! But they're retractable and are hidden most of the time. Usually he won't use his claws often, unless he's like climbing a cliff face or a tree.

He got tiny ears- think epic bowgart but hidden :>

His "hair" is in a mullet-esque hairstyle, mostly due to not keeping up on haircuts. You can actually braid his hair in the back it's so long!

Twig

The stuff covering his whole head is waxy leaf foliage. The same leaves make up his mane (the green leaves around his neck).

The leaves surrounding his eyes are the equivalent to long lashes :) its a rather feminine quality for a male shrubb.

bro is waterproof /j. But with the whole waxy leaves thing, water slips off his head and mane easily. That said, he dries very quickly (at least his head XD) (lmao twigphobic water)

He does have the yellow flowers on his sides, they just haven't bloomed yet.

Even tho it's not shown through his dialogue, he has a slight accent, similar to a NYC accent.

Cozmo

While she looks fluffy and warm, she actually feels cold and wet to the touch (even tho she isn't. And think ectoplasm).

Her body is a reflection of a starry night. When she moves, the reflection changes.

Since she doesn't have a real neck, it's impossible to decapitate her (but why would you, first of all-).

Jadau

Hes very good with children- they just run right up to him! (In a babysitter like way)

He has not sworn a swear word in his life. Continuing that thought, he hasn't gotten mad or angry either (he's so innocent and honestly dumb enough to not get mad. I'm sorry to say but there's just how entbrats work XD)

Hes actually a little shorter than average entbrats.

Lily

the bandages on her hands are completely accessory, as is the bandage on her eye. The only reason she keeps it on is because of the caregivers constant nagging about it (it's drilled into her brain so much she keeps it on out of habit)

her hair is longer than it actually seems. Much curlier too.

Gunna add this here bx I can't find a voice claim for her yet- she has a soft voice, but even so she can be big with it (if that makes any sense).

Underneath her baggy clothing, she's actually of the tiny and petite build. She's a little bony, but that's primarily due to her poor caregivers at the House. (Dw, she's eating very well now)

Tweedledee

He can actually talk, he just chooses to make random noises most of the time.

When he bounces around, he bounces around. I have no clue what that thing is made of to make him so godforsaken bouncy.

Licking is his way of giving affection, since he has no hands or arms in which to give affection with (I mean he's a child so it kinda makes sense-)

Surprising as it is, dee is actually two years older than lily. And I say surprising bc he does not act like 10 years old (at this point in time lily is 9 but still. Two years).

And that's it for now XD I might make a part 2 with some other characters but I wanted to get the main cast out first!

[the-francakes]

Hi so you’re probably wondering where the next chapter of Echoes is.  And it’s coming, slowly; I’ve just been reworking a lot when it comes to this story. In the spirit of full transparency, when I started this story a year ago, I had an epic 5 part plan of this story.  It traveled from professors through years 5, 6, and 7, and then post-Hogwarts.  It included crazy shit from loss of limbs, a Ron redemption story, Harry’s bi-panic moment, more soulmate bonds and star-crossed lovers, Bailey’s parentage revealed, etc. 

But in the past year, I’ve learned a lot about how fanficiton functions now.  It’s not the same as it was a decade or two ago.   it makes it super intimidating to have a long fic that’s just a spatter of my brain rot. I spend a lot of my time being anxious and overthinking about how poorly my fic reads because it didn’t have a beta and doesn't follow a character arc and I’ve lost characterization, and my brain just added in a brand new idea I didn’t know existed 2 seconds ago, but we’re going with it, and I fucked up the timeline that I really need to figure out how to fix but its posted so idk how I'm gunna do that... ANYWAY... 

I don’t think it helps watching writers get fucking eviscerated by reviews being treated like published books on goodreads or tiktok creators using our fics to get views so they can get popular and, eventually, make money.  I’ve gotten some hate comments, too, along the way while writing Echoes.  I’m positive they were attacking just to hurt versus really about the material, but again, it doesn’t help. 

I’m saying all this to explain that instead of having a 5 part epic million word story, I’m re-outlining Echoes to end fairly soon.  I dunno how many chapters will be left. I don’t plan to just write a summary. I have some scenes prewritten and I want the reader to know where it was going and the fic to still feel complete.  I think a lot of my current burnout is from the stress of this fic and finishing it in a quicker way will make us both happy.  Plus, I have a couple WIPS, including a Dramione beauty & the beast retelling with a twist I haven’t seen yet so I’m really excited to actually dig into that. 

love you all and thank you so much for your love and support with Echoes, you all mean the world to me and really helped me figure out that i can write again ❤️ 

[maskydoolovesmasseffect]

Mass Effect Tag

Wellio, I’ve been tagged by @berryshiara. Passing this on to @grummel83

Gunna answer my questions now. Y’all feel free to tell me what you think of these answers. ​

I’m a fan since: 2008. I was just out of high school and still not over KoTOR. I was fresh in the army and got to talking to some other dude fresh to the army about video games. He asked me if I played Mass Effect. I said no. By the next day I just about totally forgot about him, then he suddenly appeared out of nowhere sat in front of me in the chow hall and pulled a copy of ME1 for Xbox 360 out his pocket like he was a magician doing a magic trick (ACU pockets are huge.)

Anyway turns out that guy was a romance option and I must have picked the right dialogue options. I’m still with him, too.

Favorite game of the series:

Mass Effect 2. It seemed like that’s the one where choices mattered most and you really got to know your squaddies. Also MAJOR gameplay improvements over the first game. And that game gave me the most freedom to do basically whatever I wanted and wasnt afraid to give me consequences for it.

MShep or FShep:

FShep. Nothing against MShep, but for me the real Shep is FShep. Can’t beat Jennifer Hale’s voice. 

Earthborn, Colonist, or Spacer:

Colonist. I like having the background of knowing just how dangerous the galaxy can be and how the Alliance can’t be everywhere at once so sometimes you need to manage your best on your own.

Biotics or Tech:

Both.

Paragon or Renegade:

Paragon, mostly. I tried being renegade but some of the actions are just so pointlessly dickish, or even outright unhinged in a way that would make it impossible to believe the Alliance would ever promote Shepard as an officer or even keep her in the Alliance at all, especially in the first game.

That said, there are times where a renegade action is more expedient and practical than a paragon one, like in 2 when you stab a dude in the back to prevent him from repairing an enemy gunship, so even with a paragon playthrough, my Shepard will have no issues taking that opportunity. She’s already seconds away from betraying all those guys anyway.  

Paragon in treatment of others, renegade in combat pragmatism.

Favorite Class:

I play as infiltrator and vanguard.

Infiltrator is great for using a sniping and opening loot, and then for going invisible, and if I remember right AI hacking too. That’s cool and I wish there were more genuine opportunities for stealth.

Nowadays I play as Vanguard in my playthroughs mainly just so my Shepard can be canonically biotic for story reasons. From 2 on when looting no longer needs a special skill and I get to charge around the map. I don’t really care much about using biotics (that’s what the squadies are for) but the movement is super useful (when Shepard actually does the thing instead of just standing out in the open soaking up bullets until the ability decides to actually work.)

Favorite Companion:

Garrus. I like to set him up in sniper positions. When he actually STAYS where I put him instead of running straight up to enemies to try to snipe them at point blank, he’s great.

Also his quips in 2 on are pretty entertaining.

Least Favorite Companion:

Garrus, Oh my god. Go back to the sniper position where I put you. Leave tanking to krogan; you do not have the HP for this.

Also Kaidan in ME1. He can not shoot to save his life - literally.  

My Squad Selection:

For all ME1 playthroughs after my first one, Ashley and Kaidan, just of their comments and because... well... I only have so much time with them.

Apart from that I mainly just pick my team based on who’s likely to have the most interesting commentary on whatever the mission happens to be, squad balance be damned. 

Favorite In-Game Romance:

Garrus X Shepard is my favorite love story. They are just so adorable together and always supportive even when they disagree.

But my cannon romance is Kaidan X Shepard for the drama and angst.

Favorite NPC:

In ME1 there’s this random Turian on Noveria who randomly has like a New York accent and I absolutely adore him. He plays basically no part in the story other than some minor information but he’s just so pleasant to speak to.

“If you need anything, I’ll be here.”

Favorite Antagonist:

Morinth, the Ardat-Yakshi daughter of Samara. Yes, she’s a murderous vampire who will absolutely kill you given the chance... but like, it’s a medical condition. And I really can’t help but feel for ardat-yakshi in general when their only options are to spend their whole lives on the run from justicars out to execute them, or waste their entire 1000 year lifespan imprisoned in a monetary unable to experience the world at all. Yeah, Morinth is evil, but Ardat-Yakshi don’t exactly have a good deal.

Favorite Loyalty Mission:

Grunt’s loyalty mission is the best. I get to help my baby boy, reunite with Wrex, enjoy krogan society being fleshed out, have a kickass battle against a thresher maw, and get a breeding request. It’s nice to have a quest that isn’t about family drama and genuinely gets a happy end.

Favorite Mission:

Despite Citadel DLC requiring everyone to have a deathgrip on an idiot ball, and also basically gloss over some really dark stuff, the whole clone storyline with the whole crew is an absolute ride all the way though, with lots of interesting and unique scenarios, a ton of replay-value, and funny party banter that feels like it came straight out of a Marvel movie.

Favorite DLC:

Again, Citadel DLC. Not only did it come with the story above, it also had all those interactions with past and present crewmates, including a memorial for Thane (finally!), a cool apartment to hang out in, a party, an arcade, and an awesome battle arena. It really added a TON. Also, it’s nice to see Bioware figure out that DLC needs characters - I’m remembering back in the DLC to ME 1 the party never had a single thing to say, no matter what was going on. The fun and wacky Citadel DLC is a far cry from the serious and somewhat dark space opera Mass Effect started as, but as the final DLC capping off the end of the series, it gets to do a silly victory lap (and get the taste of the ending out of our mouths.)

Control, Synthesis, Or Destroy:

No.

Favorite Weapon:

Sniper rifles, whatever I have that’s fast and has high damage output. Also that one pistol that shoots tiny energy grenades. Pew pew.

Yeah I wasn’t really big into the weapons so much. I’m here to get my story on. 

Favorite Place:

The presidium on the Citadel. It bothered me a lot when I couldn’t explore it in the second game. I know it would have been terribly impractical, but as the presidium is just a huge ring, it would have been cool to be able to explore the whole thing, going past all the little park areas, shops, monuments and so on until you loop aaaaall the way back around to where you started. Like, how cool would it be if the ring had a running track? Maybe C-sec  academy trainees would be spotted jogging together along it in formation. And can you imagine grabbing a coffee (I was going to make up a space-related name for Starbucks but it’s already STARbucks...) and taking a nice stroll along the water before finding a nice bench to alien-watch from? Other locations in the game are like great places to explore and do gameplay stuff, but the presidium seems like a nice place to just be.

Favorite Quote:

"Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer." - Javik.

This is such a fucking raw damn line. It makes me think a lot about Cerberus. When ME3 wasn’t out yet, I thought maybe the plan was Shepard would at some point choose a side, Alliance for paragons and Cerberus for renegades. It would have been so cool to have morality not merely be good vs evil, but idealism vs that ruthless calculus Garrus mentioned. How fucking raw would it be if Cerberus wasn’t just generically evil for no reason and suddenly indoctrinated but really were embodying that ruthless calculus, determined to defeat the reapers at any and all cost. Maybe Cerberus actions’ were more likely to do terrible things for the sake of ultimate victory, doing whatever it took, whereas the Alliance would be less willing to make the terrible choices and ultimately be less likely to succeed.

Now obviously, that’s not what happened, as it would have required Bioware to basically make two entirely separate games. But that line from Javik makes me think of that concept, and a universe where like Dragon Age party members can approve or disapprove of actions not merely as good or evil but along the lines of their personal values. I think Javik would sit at victory at all cost.

Also that one mission in 2 where some random NPC catches Shepard sneaking around and is all like ‘what are you doing here?’ and Shepard is like ‘What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Get out here before it blows!’ and the guy’s freaking out like WTF and she says ‘RUN!’ then laughs to herself as he flees from an imaginary bomb. Shep you troll. 

The thing I like the least about the entire franchise:

The misogyny and objectification that crept its way in, epically from the second game on. Really didn’t like those ass-shot camera angles, or female characters being slut-shamed in-universe for the clothes the designers made them wear. Yikes. 

But the biggest yikes for me in that regard is actually the reveal in 3 that the prothians guided asari development. That was fine and all, but the part that bothered me was the characters commenting “ooooh, so that’s why asari are so advanced,” as it was ever any kind of mystery before that exact moment. For one thing, asari aren’t really shown as being more advanced than anyone else, apart from having discovered the citadel first, and for second, why wouldn’t asari be advanced? All the way from ME1 it’s established that 1: Asari live for a really long time, and 2: can instant transmit information directly from brain to brain. That means they have long lifetime in which to accumulate knowledge and experience, and also can easily spread and preserve that knowledge without even the need for books. That ALONE should put them ahead. And even with all that, they only barely beat the salarians to discovering the Citadel first. But no one asks for an explanation for why salarians, who live only a few decades and can’t do mental data-transfer, are so advanced. No, only the success of the all-women race needs explaining. It was just one moment but it still bugs me. 

Also the general loss of realism after the second game. First game everyone gets armor, including full-face helmets automatically on in environments that need it. After that, people can apparently just wander the battlefield half-naked and even somehow survive in a total vacuum if they just put a plastic cup (that isn’t even connected to anything) over their mouth and nose. In the first game they at least made up some reasonable-sounding science fiction explanation for things, but after that it’s like F-it everything is just space magic now. 

Oh, and those repetitive unlocking stuff minigames. I use a mod to just skip those. 

[pokedash55]

Acronix X Coffee Robot Crack AU

SUGGEST READING MY ECHO MEETS ACRONIX FIC BEFORE THIS

IT BUILDS ON THIS WACKY WORLD OF MINE

Click for Echo Meets Acronix Fic

To summarize//TL;DR: Acronix falls out of the time vortex at the light house a befriends Echo Zane, learns empathy and put Echo on Social media so everyone knows he exists now. 

-After he leaves echo zane with a borg watch he finds himself back in Ninjago

-Stalks borg and his fam like a creep

-Jay introduces Echo to the dyer family

-Echo and unagami are siblings now

-Acronix is kinda like Echos big brother

-But no one else accepts this

-Zane and Pix give skeptical and menacing, “if you touch him” glares

-Unagami is confused babi and likes their new brother echo

-So Like One day it’s Borg, Pix, Zane, Jay, Unagami, Echo, and Milton dyer, and Acronix in a room together  (Fic on that later :3 )

-The whole fam

-Nixie just lingers around borg tower saying random junk sometimes

-Acronix : “You either die a villian or live long enough to see yourself become…”

-Pix: “A very annoying customer who is about to be escorted out of the building?”

-“UH NO. Wrong answer Pix (“dont call me pix”). REDEEMED. Cause I’m like… totally redeemed now”

-Just holds up a high five for the room and left hanging by everyone

-Jay’s like :Yeeeoree not part of our group”

-So like Acronix and Echo Zane are bro’s now cause I said so??

-Everyone: Nix is part of the Borg Family

-Me: Well YES, but actually no

-This isn't really a Future thing

-In this they're mostly frenemies kinda??

-But Acronix does really like him and borg tower and Borg is too nice to throw him out XD

-Acronix has zip money and doesn’t FEEL like looking for Krux rn

-Gets his morning coffee everyday bro

-Starts crushin on the Coffee manager (naming her shannon after the voice actor)

-His routine is basically wake up, coffee, Shannon, stalk borg, watch memes, think about looking for kux than fall asleep on phone

-Posts bout his lil bro alot (echo)

-Posts about Shannon ALOT

-Many many selfies of him an his coffee

-Realizes he may need to get someplace to live since he had yet to venture for krux

-Shoot money is a thing he doesn’t have

-Borg be super kind like, “You can stay at my Newly renovated highly advanced Borg Hotel but you must get a job.”

-Acronix gestures at being one of those technology intern clerks at borg industries. “Is for me?”

-”Must get a job AND leave my family alone…. For now… please?”

-Borg is too nice to the guy who kidnapped him and is infatuated with living at borg tower

-Does borg live in borg tower?

-Gunna say he does

-Cause Acronix just LOITERS in borg tower 24/7

-Like its like hours after closing of the downstairs shop and Pix is like getting her suit on and forcefully escorting Nixie out of the premises

-So anyway Nix has to get a job

-Ugh entry level Jobs are SO beneath him.

-Pouts uwu

-Gets a job as a barista to at least have fun with someone cool

-Ronin notices that sales have gone up in the coffee shop since Acronix has started hanging around there, because the girls think he’s pretty and he posts a lot on social media.

-Ronin wants this, but doesn’t want to have to actually pay Acronix for being a faceman.

-Hires him “as a barista”. Basically he hires Acronix to sit at the counter and look pretty, while giving the joint free advertising.

-Acronix totally doesn’t notice this and is fine with being completely exploited and underpaid.)

-Acronix X Coffee Bot! (In this she’s named Shannon)

-Shannon is like… chill and rude, but never offensive

-Cheats in chess

-Smug about it too like deamn she mean

-Epic moves (Both spinny sign and juggling. And makes epic coffee)

-Unflinching at a fire

-Complete apathy

-Throws "Floyds"  teapot plan away immediately cause she doesn’t get paid enough for this sh*t

-Says she doesn’t drink coffee but than is seen drinking coffee that lier

-Bad habit of Ignoring stufft. Ignores the upgrade, ignores her lie detector, ignores the fact the -machine is literally ice frozen

-She wears a miniskirt and a crop top/bra thingy to WORK. On the clock! savage

-Nixie is confirmed to get crushes easily and like powerful/ mean woman (Machia)

-Also he has no shame in liking nonhumans

-Love technology so would totally vibe with her

-Robotsexual for sure

-Powercouple

-Since she is still A.I, so Nix’s outgoing and I don’t care i'm great loud personality would really surprise her and she’d be inspired/impressed by his lack of chill and lack of care

-She has a bit of sass and goth hot topic to her but also still has that robot innocence that would blend nicely with Acronix since he is also Abrasive and rude on the outside, but is a tad of a softy coward (He hugs his bro and cowers behind him and gets adorably defensive when he snarks at him)

-He’d teach her so much about being more alive… maybe a bad influence but she’d dig it

-He calls her Shay almost constantly

-He hates being called Nix

-Like he is a prideful warrior who expects people to use his full name in respect

-But Shannon is too cool for that

-Calls him Nix sometimes anyway

-Respects her boldness

-The audacity to do so without permission!

-Shannon owns a motorcycle because come on

-Ridin home on a sick bike together

-Stealin stuff when people aren’t looking

-Banned from Ronin thrift shop for sure (they're lucky they weren't fired after that night. But he literally can't fire shannon)

-Chill on friday nights at Laughys karaoke.

-Not singing, just laughing at how stupid other people look singing drunk kareoke

-So a jock dork egotist and a apathetic punk bot walk into a bar

-Dareth honestly doesn’t know this guy was the one sending snakes after his trophies so he just treats him like a normal costumer

-Neither of them care about Dareth’s attempts at small talk.

-Too busy loving themselves like idiots

-She kicks his ass in strategy video games and he destroys her in battle royal stuff

-Both are equally bored by like Animal crossing and other fake life games YAWN so much work

-Shannon enjoys the thrill of racing games

-Nixie plays em but it’s not his best game

-Both GEAMMERS (but in a frighteningly cool way. They somehow both avoid nerd status… nixie still a dork tho. Jock dork)

-She makes coffee art of her hubbies face.

-He gives her so much social media attention

-Acronix gives her coffee shop media rep and he loves the petty feeling of beating Wu at something

-She doesn’t quite get his excitement in it (cause she’s on neutral terms with Wu) but loves the media attention

-She doesn’t get his phrases and he finds that both aggravating and endearing

-“Um I’m Aconic”

-Shannon: “So you’ve been lying about your name this whole time?

-Acronix: “...?”

-“That's honestly sick”

-Acronix “… “

-One day they joy ride on a motorcycle

-End up loitering around borg tower

-Borg officially meets Shannon and is interested in her origin

-Her design is not like he has seen but it also seems familiar

-She says she doesn't remember much other than working for ronin

-"Ronin" borg mutters spitefully

-He has a history of y'know.. Messing with his tech (dismantling pixal and selling zane hmmm)

-Does a diagnostic code scan

-Acronix worried bout his bae and hyped he was actually invited in for once.

-Progress on that "friendship"

-He discovers her model and general code is similar if not almost exactly the same as pixal’s code

-Ronin scrapped together with some mechanical help from his friends the walkers to make a functioning robot manager with borg tech he scrounged up and a stolen copy of pixal’s blueprints ( maybe he took pictures of them when he sold her to chen) and specs so he wouldn't have to pay for multiple employees. Just having the one really efficient one would save him thousands

-So shannon is pixals sister

-And her parents are The walkers, Ronin, and borg

-The family tree only grows people

-So Acronix is apart of the ninja family now if he marries Shannon

-Here's a chart if you're as confused as I am here:

-Anyway Shay doesn't really care much

- Her expression doesn't change

-She had never really gone out of her way to worry where she was from so it wasn't a huge revelation

-It was to nixie tho

-As the extravert he was (and has extensive experience of being a sibling) he had to make sure she got to know her new family NOW

-Like in the middle of the night now

-He never waits for things to happen

-Pix is first and she is about to power down for the night when...

-DOOR SLAMS OPEN

-"Hi SIS!!" Acronix just screams

-"hey. I'm like your sister now." Obvi shannon is more lowkey about it

-Shannon and pixal mildly get along

-Questions her taste in men alot

-Acronix chills in the back already bored and ready to move on.

-Although he's annoyed by them, the ninja were next up

-Zane and Jay are both family now

-Shannon starting to think he's using all this to fill the void of his brother being gone.

-Cause she has no interest for or against meeting these people but Nix sees it as urgent

-But he seems happier than usual so she'll let him throw her name around for a while. She did mooch off his social media so it was only fair

-Anyway eventually Acronix does find his brother, and tries to explain this whole mess to his less-than-thrilled twin

-God once Krux gets back tho

-“Hey bro! I married a robot she’s amazing!”

-He’s just taking selfies with her in hot topic outfits both of them

-“God no my brothers Robotsexual. My worst nightmares have been realized”

-Krux can only stare in horror at the people his brother now considers “family”

-Wu’s students?!, Robots!?, what EVEN IS AI?!?!?

-He eventually gets over it

-eventually maybe

-At least he can admire her attitude

-Will still mess with his bro tho.

-This is the worst timeline imaginable.

-But I can't apologize for art

[indecisive-v]

NINJAMUFFIN DOING ANOTHER AMA ON TWITTER, HERE'S MORE SHIT FOR YA! keep in mind i'm just sharing the funkin related stuff, though i am including WAAAAY more than what i shared before 👍 go check out ninja's twitter profile for questions about stuff like ritz! questions in blue, answers in orange. if yall don't wanna read everything i MIGHT make a version of this post where i replace the answers with my own summaries of em (and if the questions are long, those too)

and here's a link to the ama tweet itself! dunno if it's still goin

Q: I figure the answer will be yes but do you have more plans to implement more guest appearances from people in the newgrounds community into FNF? Or are you all gunna focus on OG lore and stuff going forward

A: for guest appearances, I think we have always seen it as getting a healthy mix of both. PERSONALLY I'd like to lean towards having more OG stuff than guest stuff, BUT it's all a matter of what other boys think of that as well. I'm not the sole person working on game!

Q: Are you gonna release the full FNF game or are you gonna be releasing week after week? Like, are you gonna release week 8 or are we gonna wait some years until The Full Ass Game comes out?

A: Release plan for FNF right now is a few more updates or whatev to the 'demo' we have out right now, and then a long silence of probably no updates whatsoever until the full game is done (which will likely be a few years). That's partly why we made kickstarter for game.

Q: Hey so like, how much will Fnf cost after it's finished? And when will you ask the supporters what they want the game on?

A: It's all subject to change, but right now it prob gonna be standard 15-25$ lil steam indie game.

We will ask Kickstarter pledgers and whatnot what they want the game on SUPER close to when its released, to keep options open if we get onto anything like a console people want.

Q: 1. how was your day

2. are you releasing a week 8 song early like week 7, or are you goin full lockdown

A: I am doing GOOD today, and I think recently I've been good in general.

up to the mood, but so far we doing good about not having anything leak or whatev, so I think it'd be fun to have update come out with people not knowing what to expect at all. Build dat intrigue

Q: Will fnf ever get official plushies?? Seems like an untapped market

A: FNF plushies will prob happen some point, we have a lot of current merch stuff on our plates already though! (Mostly kickstarter type stuff, shirts, pins, posters, and all the physical OST stuff) Its a lot to sort out, but in time more and more stuff will happen. We r jus 4 boys!

Q: did you ever expect your game to blow up as it did? what was your first reaction to seeing it become super popular

A: FNF never had a humble moment, literally day 1 before the prototype even came out, the vid on twitter had like 5K likes overnight. Then when ludum dare version came out, it got 5K likes again, like it wasnt just a fluke. Was crazy, and def felt like somethin was different wit FNF

Q: Do you plan on getting other people to come in to help with the music? That seems like a lot of work to dump on one person, what with the erect mode and whatnot.

I guess the question could apply to all aspects of development. Will you be bringing on more people to help?

A: We definitely are getting help from other people. We are always keeping an eye on people for various different things. In terms of programming, already I've gotten 2 people (MtH and Geokureli) to help with certain Week 7 stuff (charting/polish, and loading stuff). Shit like dat

Q: Oh, also, will the Steam version be Workshop compatible? That'd really help streamline the process of downloading mods.

A: Steam version of FNF will likely NOT be Steam workshop compatible, because we want all the mods to NOT be spread out through different places. There WILL be modding support that is as streamlined as Steam workshop though. Mainly for non-steam versions of the game!

Q: Are there any chances that the game will have a physical release? Also any updates on a switch port? I remember one of you guys talking/joking about it.

A: Not impossible for FNF to get a physical release. We would want to see how far we could go with it though. I think it'd be super easy to do something wit people like LimitedRun games or whatev, but I think stuff like that can only go so far. I wanna see Funkin in mf Walmart!!!!!!

not that LimitedRun isn't going to be an option! Just we consider and pursue many different things! FNF release is years away, so we have time to think about everything. Whole mindset can be different just a few months from now.

Q: Out of curiosity, how are you dealing with all the popularity? It blew up so fast id barely be able to handle it if I was in your shoes.

A: The only way I've been able to handle it is having the other boys on the crew and being able to talk to them about all the overwhelmingness.

Part of it feels very lonesome, feels like NO ONE can come close to comprehending exactly how I'm feeling, except them. also other PALS!!!

Q: Do you own any of the bootleg FNF merchandise? Like any bootleg plushies or anything?

A: i dont, i genuinely think they r a waste of money, and I know any bootleg shit that gets made, we can prob go about and make it, and make it 100x cooler because we actually put effort into shit. bootleg shit just in it for the coin, so they aint gettin that from me

Q: How did you go about getting in contact with sr pelo for skid and pumps vocals?

A: Pelo i think was familiar and pals wit PhantomArcade a bit thru various Newgrounds things and collabs and whatnot.

pelo retweeted the first OG FNF posts first ever, and brought a LOT of attention to it. to pay him back, we put skid and pump in game! ask dave for more info prob

Q: what's the plan for having the full ass game open source if it's gonna cost money? couldn't people just download the source and compile the game for free?

A: when FNF is fully released, the full source code will be released as well.

the game will be DRM free so it will be way easier for people to redistribute the released/offical .exe instead of compiling it, so that's not the issue anyways. people will pay for things if they like it

Q: What are the chances of it getting on consoles like switch or Playstation, ps5 would definitely be my preferred way to play

A: it'd be a matter of hiring someone to build out backend stuff for those specific consoles. someone who knows their way around all the wacky code stuff, AND knows console hardware stuff. Then its just a matter of hittin up those console manufacturers (Sony, Microsoft, or Nintendo)

the CLOSEST one is SWITCH. pretty much all of that backend is already made, so it just a matter of gettin all that access and shit.

i think in any case though, there's a lot of NDA stuff required, i dunno how much we'd be able to talk about it even IF we get that stuf sorted

Q: any ideas of releasing it on epic store or another platform?

A: Right now, the only thing that is 100% confirmed and WILL happen is a Steam version, itchio version, and mobile versions on respective app stores. Other storefronts aren't out of the picture though, but we don't want to spread ourselves too thin with it.

Q: Will you continue using HaxeFlixel to make the rest of FNF?

A: yes, because it is what I'm the most technically proficient in, and generally is VERY flexible. just a matter of ME becoming a better coder. It's ALL open source, so if I need something done a certain way, either I can do it, or we can hire someone to do it.

Q: have you seen game theory's videos on your game yet and if so, what do you think about them? (not talking about his predictions because i dont want spoilers. i like mystery)

A: it is always good silly fun to watch the Game Theory vids about Funkin with some pals, and see what matpat thinks of the game. i lov the vids, but wish he used my face less! Or at least used a cuter pic of me like this one!!

Q: Ok so: What does the future of FNF look like to you?

A: future of FNF is a rhythm game that not only exceeds every expectation that people have of it, but subverts most expectations and conventions as well.

Q: Do you plan on retouching on older weeks once the game is fully out? Like reanimating sprites, redoing some charting, updating the background, etc

A: retouching and probably overhauling certain aspects is almost definitely gonna happen. Everything is fluid and can be changed (and should be changed when necessary). i dont think anything should be too attached to, especially this early on in development

Q: I honestly do not care if the answer to this is vague as hell to keep surprises and shit lol but… Since Week 7 was the closest we’ll get to a playable girlfriend (still bf controlling tho), do you have plans to make girlfriend playable in spin-off things or just freeplay?

A: wouldnt be out of the picture for a playable GF, i don't think we've had some hard thing AGAINST it. just a matter of what we want out of the game, and what sort of story or whatev we could do with that concept

Q: How do BF and GF manage to meet famous newgrounds characters (such as pico, tankman and the others to come) like is this all in one universe/ timeline or are they being brought in?

A: i think they are all just there existing. i think there's a lot of wacky things in other media that try to justify crossovers, like MULTIVERSE bullshit or TIMELINE shit, but i dunno, its like subspace emissary. Captain Falcon and Olimar from Pikmin just hang out. Shit like dat

disclaimer that all lore shit is in phantomarcade head pretty much and maybe there is wacky dimensions or somethin

Q: Will the game have dlc?

A: its not too unlikely that we'd have expansions of some sort, but i mean right now we plan on packing in as much as we can into base game, and trying to make that as pure as possible.

if there is ANY dlc, i would personally want it to be 100% free updates

Q: How did you meet Phantom Arcade, Kawai Sprite, and EvilSker? And what do you think about the community and its controversies?

A: me and phantomarcade been fukin around NG for years so years and years ago we naturally crossed paths and became pals

about 2 years ago i found kawaisprites music on NG, and started talkin wit him, made Ritz wit him and we fell in lov

and evilsk8r i met cuz of FNF!!!

quik elaborate on evilsk8r, wanted artist for gamejam FNF was for (ludum dare), and OG person i asked wasnt available, so he referred me to evilsk8r, who I have never met or talked to before ever.

[calocera]

SPOILERS FOR CATS 2019, here’s my hot takes and opinions

be warned, THIS IS LOOOONG

First off my overall opinion, i LITERALLY cannot say whether it was good or bad, like lots of critics say it just...is beyond that. It’s VERY fun and that’s all I can bring myself to say, I have LOTS of problems with it but I can’t even say that they make the movie bad. It is definitely worth watching

OPINIONS ON CHARACTERS:

Victoria: she’s good! I appreciate that they kinda left her personality blank other than her innocence since that’s pretty much how she always was, still not super thrilled with her as a main character but franchesca did the best she could

Munkustrap: I loved him! he was more of a main character than I would have expected, but they STILL cut all the charm from his lines... why do I love him then? Robbie fairchild did AMAZING background acting, whenever he was in frame he was always doing something SUPER munkustrap-y and making cute dad faces. he was dealt bad lines but he worked around it best he could. Also his legs were normal so...epic fail

Mistoffelees: 😒😒😒😒😒🤢🤢🤮 disappointed but not at all surprised...he was just a Woobie, a softboy uwu nice guy. I felt like I was seeing fanon 2013 loki in cat form. THEY MADE HIS SONG A SADBOY PITY PARTY SONG...WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THE 11 O’CLOCK NUMBER SLOW AND SAD???? Where is the smug little shit who’s vague and aloof yet confident and joyous? He was murdered by his evil homophobic shadow clone. I’m not even gunna indulge the fact that him and Victoria were a thing, I’ll go over that later. He also just constantly looked like the crying cat meme his eyes were so red and watery it was horrifying, yet somehow he wasn’t the worst character , that leads us too.....

tugger: what.the.fuck.did.you.do.to.this.boy. HE GOT THE TREATMENT I EXPECTED FOR MUNKUSTRAP! HE WAS DEMOTED TO BACKGROUND CHARACTER! not only did he not sing mr. mistoffelees, he literally did nothing other than his song, he never interacted with ANY characters besides jenny in 1 scene. I know cats has no set main characters but he’s undoubtedly one of the most important characters and he’s like...the least important named character in the movie. ALSO Jason Derulo was not sexy at all. There was NO hip thrusting NO sexy meowing NO glamrock, he was just an asshole and if I hadn’t already seen the original I would have either completely forgotten about his character or though he was the worst character. I’m so fucking angy I cannot express.

Girzzabella: ngl I expected better. Her acting was great but with the horrible effects I couldnt get invested but I’ll touch on the effects later. Her singing was good, but I expected it to carry the movie and it wasn’t at all the best song in the movie, I’d say she’s about as good as I expected she’d be but the movie itself was more enjoyable than I expected so she was less significant

Old d: she was fine, she LOOKED the part definitely, she didn’t have as large a presence as ken page but I wouldnt expect that of her. Her singing wasn’t the greatest though, her voice is fine by it’s just NOT suited to old d’s songs. I would have preferred she play a female gus bc her voice is very sweet and frail, not at all built for belting like her songs required.

Macavity: he’s just...eh. He’s basically a comic relief villain which sucks. He does practically nothing besides kidnap people, say a cheesy line, and act like a caricature of a 90s cartoon villain (and not one of the fun ones) like theres a scene where he poofs away and when he does it he goes, MACAvityyyyyyy and fades away its so unintentionally funny but it just makes him so lame as a villain. not to mention he doesnt even die at the end or get any satisfying conclusion he just gets stuck on top of a statue and his powers suddenly stop working (for some reason??)

Bombalurina: fuck that, I am simultaneously glad she only was in the macavity number bc fuck off Taylor Swift but also disappointed bc she deserved so much better.

Bustopher: 😟 never in my darkest nightmares did I think I’d see bustopher Jones deepthroat multiple crayfish but here we are. Somehow THIS was the most sexual song, I cannot begin to name the fetishes checked off by this performance bc itd hit word limit. Let me just say that I said multiple times out loud, “damn bustopher kinda a freak with it 😏😏” like I CANNOT stress how weirdly sexual it gets. And ofc its all otherwise just haha funney fat guy eat food and burp and fall down. He also breaks the fourth wall a few times which like, fuck you

Jenny: exactly what was shown in the trailer. Unfunny fat jokes and slapstick humor. Also they focused WAY too many shots on her cat pussy and I wish I was making that up. Also of note is that the cgi on the rats and cockroaches are drastically worse than the rest of the movie, like not just bad designs the effects are BAD. also they translated they whole gumbie cat fur-shedding as her wearing fake skin over her outfit which would be fine but UHH the fake fur is skin tight??? so it literally looks like shes ripping off her skin and she does it multiple times its fucking terrifying

Mungojerrie and rumpelteazer: meh, they are fine as characters, not quite as energetic as I would have liked but they didn’t massively fuck anything up? The song was horrible, they went against the beat for...some reason? Like it’s a song with a very distinct rhythm and they split up the lyrics so weirdly. I liked that they followed through with the lore of them working for macavity

Skimbleshanks: YES YESSSSSSSSSS HOLY FUCKING SHIT 💗💕💖💞💜😳😳😳😳😳😳😳💜💛🧡💚💖❤️💗 i absolutely CANNOT express how good skimbleshanks made me feel. He looks like a leather daddy with his chains and suspenders and hat and stache, I hate that I’m saying this but uh...mr skimbleshanks sir😳 we were actually screaming it was so fucking good. Watching this movie was worth it just for skimble. Unironically. I’m listening to the song as we speak. It was kinda weird that they moved the tap dancing to this song but that’s more of a detractor from Jennie’s and a plus side to skimbles since it’s good tap

Gus: good! Ian did a good job of course, no one doubted that he would.

Growltiger and griddlebone: not racist but still absolutely horrifying. One of the worst parts of the movie, I actually got squeamish looking at griddlebone a few times that’s how bad she looks

Everyone else: not that good. I couldn’t tell who was who, all their personalities were annoying, I’m on imdb as we speak trying to figure out who even was supposed to be who. Demeter is completely butchered and jemima just isn’t there, doesn’t sing her part, it all sucked man.

Tech talk:

CGI: okay so here’s the thing, the effects are good. GREAT even, the issue is how fucking horrible the designs are. The lack of cat nose, mouth, and hairy cheeks makes them all look disgusting. Also the feet. Holy fuck why do they have feet. THERES A FUCKING SCENE WHERE TUGGER GRABS VICTORIAS FOOT AND SNIFFS IT. IT LASTS LIKE 5 SECONDS. Old Deuteronomy, Gus, and Cassandra (bc she was already bald) are the only characters I’d say look anywhere close to decent, grizabella looks okay in profile but head on it’s all horrible again. its really such a shame bc the sets are gorgeous! i really hope this movie gets some form of recognition for its sets.

the editing and directing was DOGSHITTTTTTT there are SO many scenes where characters just teleport or parts where people are singing and no ones mouths are moving its really distracting

Other things:

it’s OBVIOUS that the critics calling this movie horny have never seen the original. I’d definitely say the movie is LESS HORNY than the play. It IS however waaaaaaay more uncomfortable with its hornieness, so I’d say in that regard YES, the horny stuff is much more gratuitous and off putting despite there being an overall smaller amount than the play. ie everything bustopher jones does

They changed a BUNCH of lyrics for some reason?? Like they cut verses which I understand but there are like a handful of lyrics in almost every song they just...change. like...okay? All changing lyrics is gunna do is make people who knew the songs frustrated when they can’t sing along

the dancing was incredible! shame the cg just fucking invalidates all of it bc your mind doesnt register it as real people doing real moves

OKAY THE FUCKING CATNIP SCENE so when taylor swift showers everyone in catnip they all just fucking start moaning and go FULL HORNY its TOO MUCH like misto full on does an o face like eyes rolled back mouth open  and munkustrap is like ass up panting i still havent processed it im fucking terrified to encounter it again. they cut the orgy? yet added THIS??? k

WHY did they take 2 of the most iconic characters who FREQUENTLY interact and just

a. Never even have them make eye contact

b. Make 1 a background character

c. Completely change the personality of the other one

On the topic of Victoria/misto: I am just still at a loss as to why they thought it’d be a good idea? They completely removed Plato and for what? This? Pathetic. It’s worth noting the weirdly munkustrap has WAYYY more chemistry with both Victoria AND mistoffelees then they did with each other (there’s a part where it looks like misto and munk are about to kiss for some reason?? munk ALSO gets all touchy feely with skimbleshanks???) anyways munkustrap king moments

tldr; its worth watching, the best parts were the sets, the dancing, skimbleshanks, and munkustrp fucking CARRIES the weight of the world with his face acting. the worst things were a big fat tie between bustopher, tugger,misto,jenny,growltiger and griddlebone, and the godawful design choices

[hero-quotes-but-not-really]

I bet you will cause you are awesome. Also is it gunna have a top hate with the purple and yellow scheme

Yellow, kinda...purple top hat, no... but, it is gonna be an Animatronic OC, and it will be revealed when I have completed it, plus, the scheme is going to be based off of "The Smiler" which is known for its hypnosis theme and... a crash... BUT it's still a really epic lookin' ride (this coming from someone who is DEATHLY afraid of Roller Coasters)

((Note that these are not my photos, but they are my main source of refrence))

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 30/01/2021 (Wellerman, Fredo, Sabrina Carpenter, Billie Eilish & ROSALÍA)

I’ve never been more thankful for a song being this big – “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo spends a third week at #1, blocking “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI at #2. Thank God. Anyway, we’ve got 10 new arrivals so let’s cut the chit-chat and start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Of course, after this brief rundown we always do. Thankfully, the site actually updated last week, so I can go through this as routinely as possible. For drop-outs, it’s a lot of recent new arrivals falling out either off the debut or a few weeks after – most of them being pretty crap – but we do have some notable drop-outs, like “Forever Young” by Becky Hill, “Plugged In Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer, “pov” by Ariana Grande, “Love is a Compass” by Griff, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit and Mabel featuring 24kGoldn, “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur, and finally, “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran. Now to move onto the chart proper, we do have some movement to discuss. Firstly, we have some fallers, those being “Dynamite” by BTS at #32, “positions” by Ariana Grande at #39, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #41, “All I Want” by Olivia Rodrigo at #43 off of the return, “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI at #46, “Best Friend” by Saweetie featuring Doja Cat at #47, “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus at #48, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #51, “Wellerman” by the Longest Johns practically being replaced at #52 (We’ll discuss this more later), “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #53, “Notorious” by Bugzy Malone and Chip at #55, “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #60, “Bad Boy” by the late Juice WRLD and Young Thug unfortunately purging to #62, “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #67, “Pinging (6 Figures)” by Central Cee crashing off of the debut to #72 and “Diamonds” by Sam Smith at #74, joining our two returning entries – which are just older songs getting another brief pick-up at the bottom of the charts. Those are “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong and “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper at #75 and #73 respectively, by the way. Oh, and we also have “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #65, but I honestly can’t see that song going anywhere – and I really like it. This doesn’t mean that we don’t have any gains, however, as finally, we can see some rising hits trying to fill in the cracks, like both of Rudimental’s debuts from last week: “Be the One” with MORGAN, TIKE and Digga D is up to #58, whilst the incredibly worse single “Regardless” with RAYE is cracking into the top 40 at #40. Sigh, well, we do have some more promising gains, like... “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #38? “Friday” by Riton, Nightcrawlers and Musafa & Hypeman at #37 off of the debut? Okay, 2021 might end up being pretty rough, huh? Thankfully, we have a plentiful amount of new arrivals to waive any of my fears, so let’s just start with those.

NEW ARRIVALS

#70 – “Overpriced” – M Huncho

Produced by Quincy Tellem

Oh, come on! Okay, so this is M Huncho, UK trao’s answer to the late MF DOOM, except without any of the lyrical complexity, storytelling abilities, genuine wit, charming sampling and production techniques, brilliant discography... he’s pretty much just a guy whose main gimmick is the mask, and it’s on this single cover too, seemingly in a museum. This song in particular is just one of these melodic trap cuts with wavy acoustic guitars blended with synths beyond recognition, topped off with odd bass mastering and a checked-out performance from M Huncho, who spends way too much time on his verses going “doo-doo-doo-doo-doo”, before the beat switches for a verse that fades out after like 20 seconds. What’s the point of any of this, honestly? It’s not awful – the bass does kind of knock – but I really don’t understand why this is here, or why M Huncho is a big name. It’s not even as good as AJ Tracey’s trap bangers and it’s not even as funny as D-Block Europe, which I’m surprised by, considering that he had his own stupid hit with “Pee Pee” around this time last year, and that song was actually good. Also, M Huncho, what do you think your fans get from you dissing them? If you’re going to brag about your “house by the lake” and then rap about how some unnamed individual “still lives at their mum’s in a council estate”, consider that a lot of your audience will still live with their parents in council housing or be surrounded by people who do. Someone who really came from poverty should know that this is classist and disrespectful to your own demographic. Yeah, this is worthless. Why’s this guy still charting? At least Young Adz knows how to write a hook.

#65 – “New Love” – Silk City and Ellie Goulding

Produced by Silk City and Picard Brothers

Okay, so we do have some energy on the chart – or at least half of the credited acts have. Silk City is a duo of producers, those being Diplo, a true weirdo in mainstream EDM who’s honestly kind of fascinating and oftentimes a fluke genius (especially in its work in Major Lazer and Jack U with Skrillex), and Mark Ronson, one of the greatest producers of the 21st century so far, probably most known for “Uptown Funk!”. These guys did have a hit together with Dua Lipa in 2018 in the form of “Electricity”, but it’s been a while and I’m interested to see how they work with the complete non-presence that is Ellie Goulding. It’s with some level of disappointment that I say that she’s not a non-presence here, as this is otherwise a pretty neat house tune with some excellent 90s keys and a deep-house groove I think is pretty fun. The strings in the pre-chorus are great and build-up to a fantastic chorus... or at least the instrumental is fantastic, because Goulding is a waste here, mixed way too high and honestly just faltering her vocals here. She sounds awkward through multi-tracking and even worse without it, as she clearly goes for a rough swagger that cannot work with her light, almost fairy-like voice she’s relied on much of her career. The intricacies of this production are really admirable, but Goulding was clearly an afterthought. With a real diva on vocals, or honestly just a sample of a soul or diva house track, this could be excellent. As it is, I’m bored. Next.

#63 – “Typhoons” – Royal Blood

Produced by Royal Blood

Oh, okay. Well, this is a pleasant surprise. Royal Blood are an English garage rock duo that rock pretty hard, and don’t go for anything else beyond that, which to me is a breath of fresh air, and, yeah, this is good. Is it as good as their debut? Of course not, their biggest hit “Figure it Out” is still incredible, and this one goes for a more synthesized 70s feel, even accentuated by disco keys in the pre-chorus. The riffs are still here though, as that main guitar line is pretty awesome. I see this as a mix of garage rock revival bands from the 2000s like the White Stripes, as well as some stoner-adjacent bands like Queens of the Stone Age, with a more classic hard-rock groove and Mike Kerr’s signature yelp, and it works for what it is, so I’m excited for that upcoming single. Nothing’s particularly impressive here, but I’ll definitely go for this over the rest of what we have charting, so I’m not complaining. This is good, you should check these guys out, even if they tend to be a bit derivative. That tense bridge with the looming background vocals and intensifying riff is genuinely epic, by the way, even if there isn’t much more of a pay-off behind just... the chorus again, which ends up rendering as flat as a result. Regardless, it’s a good break from the norm – which for a chart week like this, I’m especially glad is here.

#61 – “Your Love (9PM)” – ATB, Topic and A75

Produced by ATB, Topic and Rudi Dittmann

German DJ ATB was showing his girlfriend his new recording studio when he got carried away with a single guitar sound and made a song out of it, “9PM (Till I Come)”, named after the time the track was finished. Later on, he took the track and added some whispered vocals from Spanish model Yolanda Riviera. This happened in 1999, by the way, when this song was released to great success in Europe, leading to a hilariously dated album cover but still a UK #1. The song is honestly kind of bad, relying on a pretty typical house groove, ugly MIDI guitars and that seductive vocal loop. Regardless, since 90s nostalgia has come way too fast, Topic has remixed the track with A75, a collaboration we’ve seen before on “Breaking Me” from last year, which sucked. To be fair, the original song is pretty empty, so I’m interested to hear A75 add some vocals... and he just sounds pained over a deep-house rip of the original. The ugly MIDI melody stays, just now it’s drowned out and even more synthesized – this is the guitar sound you liked so much? I hope she left you. Let’s move on.

#59 – “My Head & My Heart” – Ava Max

Produced by Jonas Blue, Earwulf and Cirkut

Speaking of being bored, here’s pop singer Ava Max, with a new lead single from the deluxe edition of her debut studio album, Heaven & Hell. This one’s produced by Jonas Blue, which, alongside a redundant “Jonas Blue remix”, is probably why it’s charting. What’s sad is it’s not really very good, as the vocals are over-processed over fake hand-claps and clipping mixes that make those plastic synths sound even worse. Admittedly, I like the rubbery future bass-esque bass line here, but that’s really as far as my appreciation for this goes, as the writing is non-existent, and Ava Max is barely here. It’s honestly really similar to “New Love”, except this one’s not even as interesting as that track, going for an exhaustingly tired house-pop style that while she is a natural fit for, it does make the 2000s synth-pop she started with sound inspired in comparison. Oh, and the “Jonas Blue remix” is practically a glorified bass-boost that makes this sound even uglier, so, yeah, skip this.

#42 – “Apricots” – Bicep

Produced by Bicep

Bicep is a Northern Irish electronic duo from Belfast, and this is an instrumental from their most recent album, Isles, which clearly must have stood out enough for it to debut at #42. I can understand why too, as that sample from Hugh Tracey’s African music recordings, particularly the vocal sample used, is really infectious and interesting. I don’t think everything surrounding it is enough to really make it less annoying, as it running through nearly the entirety of a four-minute track makes this sample lose its lustre too quickly. It runs its course far before the song has the chance to build up into a house track, with that sample crushing everything that isn’t the percussion in the mix anyway. The keys are really cool, and I can’t fault the strings and ambiance that keeps the song building up for as long as it does. It also takes a sample from a Bulgarian folk choir, which they paralleled to the Celtic folk they grew up hearing, and honestly, this is just a cool blending of global music rather than an actually good song, ending with me respecting this more than actually enjoying it. The synths by the end sound fantastic as does the Bulgarian chanting, but it doesn’t really have a great climax or drop to make the build-up worth it, defaulting to a generic house groove by the end that fades out before it can have any real impact. So, yeah, this isn’t bad, but feels like a waste of some really great ideas. I guess I can say that “Northern Irish remix of an English ethnomusicologist’s recordings of African music that also samples a Bulgarian folk tune” isn’t quite as much of a developed idea as “Kazakh remix of an American rapper of Guyanese descent’s trap song in a Brazilian house style released on a Russian record label”.

#35 – “Lo Vas A Olvidar” – Billie Eilish and ROSALÍA

Produced by FINNEAS

It’s not often that songs in non-English languages chart in the UK. Whilst in the US, Latin music is such a force that it’ll launch hits for many Spanish-speaking artists, this isn’t the case in decidedly smaller Britain, where a still multicultural society tends to produce art that is always in English. To be fair, we don’t have a place like Puerto Rico, and the few songs I’ve talked about this year that have been in a different language... well, basically the one song I can remember off the top of my head, was in a Nigerian Creole language. So, why’s a Spanish song by Spanish artist ROSALÍA charting so high? Well, it’s also a Billie Eilish song, and it’s also from the HBO teen drama Euphoria. Yeah, a teen drama makes a lot of sense for Eilish to soundtrack. This has been teased since 2019, and is actually ROSALÍA’s first song to chart here in the UK, so is it any good? Well, yeah, actually, it is. Both Eilish and ROSALÍA have excellent whispery tones that complement FINNEAS’ muted, ambient production perfectly, and their harmonisation sounds great, with both singing in Spanish here for the most part. That chorus is pretty janky, though, and I don’t really see the point in the Auto-Tuned interludes, even if they both sound great playing off of each other with a lot of tuning in the outro. This is pretty minimal and dare I say awkward, kind of eerie, so I don’t see it sticking around, but as a longing break-up track, they both sell it well. Next.

#28 – “Skin” – Sabrina Carpenter

Produced by Ryan McMahon

Joshua Bassett’s response flopped immensely, meaning that now it’s Sabrina Carpenter’s time to shine, because if it’s anything she gets out of this Disney love triangle, it’s a hit song, and people clearly want to hear more from the women than they do from Josh. Telling. Now I’m not one to follow Disney teen drama because this is all a marketing gimmick. I mean, the songs dropped every Friday so anyone who can’t see through this is either blind or... a child, and considering the audience, that second one is more likely, which is fine. Popular music is, ultimately, in the hands of teenagers and record executives, and all of these break-up response diss track... things, tend to feed into both hands, whilst also giving these talented young actors a bigger break. This is Carpenter’s first charting hit in the UK, after all. The song is decidedly worse than “drivers license” though, and by a lot, as the mixing here isn’t even competent, as Carpenter’s voice clips through these ugly pianos, worsened by how her voice does not sound great here at all, as she struggles through that terrible chorus. She may say that this isn’t a response to Rodrigo, but given the lyrics and how quickly this rushed release was put out, are we really supposed to believe that? The percussion here is gross as well, drowned in bad reverb that makes this just sound grey and dull. The strings building up to a climax are barely there, and when they are, they sound like they’re elevating a really garbage performance from Carpenter, who can barely keep up. This is supposed to be a ballad yet it sounds so stiff and controlled, meaning that Carpenter trying to let loose on the vocals makes this awkward and painful. I’m sorry, but this is really bad, and I hope it doesn’t stick around. Thankfully, I don’t see that happening.

#20 – “Back to Basics” – Fredo

Produced by Dave

Lil Chocolate Frog’s got a new record out this week that I’ve yet to hear, and this is the lead single, produced by his long-time friend and collaborator, Dave – who’s awesome. I’ve typically been less kind to his mate Fredo but honestly, his ever so slightly off-kilter style has grown on me too, and this song is a pretty good introduction to that. It’s one verse over rattling trap hi-hats and a really eerie vocal sample, and Fredo flows casually and smoothly over the beat, in his typical careless, just barely there style, which works well over a pretty subtle beat like this. Fredo’s lyrics are pretty interesting here too, as amidst flexing and gun-play, he has some pretty funny lines, although far from Dave’s wordplay, rather relying on fun one-liners where he says he’s “kind of Christian”, doing revision on drug trafficking, will run for mayor, and because of how much of the gang violence is sadly amongst ethnic minorities, he himself is racially profiling his “opps”. One line near the end of the track actually made me laugh, when he says he counts up twenties while eating porridge. It’s not funny on paper, sure, but the delivery is gold. He shows more character here than he has since “Funky Friday”, also with Dave, so I’m pretty excited to hear this record, which Dave actually executively produced. It’s also got the late Pop Smoke on a track with Young Adz, so at least I’ll let out more of those laughs. This lead single is pretty good though, and I can see it going top 10 next week with the album boost.

#3 – “Wellerman – Sea Shanty” (220 KID x Billen Ted Remix) – Nathan Evans

Produced by Saltwaves, Billen Ted and 220 KID

Last week, the sea shanty “Wellerman” charted as a cover by the Longest Johns. It’s a fine acapella cover, and this version, by Nathan Evans, was originally similarly acapella, except for the tap of a table as percussion to keep time. This version got even more viral on British TikTok, and if I recall correctly, he quit his job to be signed by Polydor, which is pretty scummy on Polydor’s part. I mean, you know this guy won’t have any more hits. Regardless, this version debuted at #3 thanks to a remix by DJs 220 KID and Billen Ted, three English producers. According to their Spotify duo, Billen Ted used to be a death metal band of all things but then transitioned into writing for dance-pop tunes, and have worked with 220 KID, even if this is technically only their second single. This remix is actually pretty cool to be honest, as it takes the original track and adds some needed energy, mostly through this generic 90s house beat and some admittedly really nice pianos. It’s nothing special, and I would usually criticise something this generic, but the song’s not even two minutes and it’s a pretty inoffensive remix that genuinely adds to the original song through that brilliant flip of the original hook melody in the drop, so I can’t complain. This won’t last, but I’m not mad that it’s here.

Conclusion

I’m actually somewhat pleased with this chart week, which I wasn’t expecting initially, as you can probably tell from my above cynicism. Regardless, we’ve got some variety here (though I don’t see much of it sticking) and I’ll give Best of the Week to Royal Blood for “Typhoons”, with a tied Honourable Mention for “Back to Basics” by Fredo, and, God damn it, “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted. Shut up, it’s fun! Worst of the Week will probably go to Sabrina Carpenter’s “Skin”, with a Dishonourable Mention for the complete lack of effort that is M Huncho’s “Overpriced”, just being mildly offensive if anything. Here’s our top 10:

For next week, I mean, a girl can hope for some Weezer, but it’s more likely that we’ll be met with a Fredo album bomb and some scattered efforts from that middling Lil Durk deluxe edition. For now though, you can follow me @cactusinthebank for more ramblings and thanks for reading. I’ll see you next week.

[hollisofficial]

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[bog-witch-blair]

Good job!

Here we are, another year down many more to come. 2020 has been a hell of a ride huh? Riots, murders, a pandemic that is still going, fires. You name it and 2020 has given it. The news seems so focused on the negatives anymore, hell it seems 2020 is ONLY full of negativity. But here we are, the final day of 2020, 2021 is just over the horizon. You did it, despite everything 2020 had to throw at you, your here, reading this post. Congratulations! Take a moment to really understand that, it might not seem like a big deal but think about it. You’ve probably lost friends and family between everything that has happened this year, you’ve probably thought about giving up, after all what is another body to the massive pile? But you powered through everything and made it here. 2020 has been a shit show and it looks like 2021 is gunna start out the same way. But lets just take a moment to see past the negativity, take a moment to think about something that happened this year for you that was positive. Think long and hard about it for a few moments, and if nothing comes to mind then just think about how after all this year has tossed your way, your still here. That alone is a pretty impressive feat in and of itself. You’ve see everything the world threw and decided to chug along all the way through to the end of the year, reflect on it. Take a few breaths, just look around, close your eyes and focus on the sounds around you, appreciate it. Your still around, your still you, the world did its best to discourage you but you took it all and said, “No!” Your surviving a pandemic of epic proportions, hell this is probably your first epidemic! For some of us this is our second and third but even then we haven’t seen anything of this scale before. Yea its scary as hell, your a liar if you say that this year hasn’t scared the hell out of you. If you look back on everything this year has been a nightmare, lets take a moment to talk about that. You survived: the brink of World War 3, the worst epidemic since the spanish flu, literal hundreds of thousands of pandemic related deaths, people murdering others in the streets, riots due to that, fire after fire after fire, military occupation of several US cities, a literal nazi leading the country, a massive increase in hate crimes, the rights of many americans just thrown in the trash, untimely celebrity deaths. We’ve all lost so much this year, we will never recover from everything but you didn’t let that push you down, you gritted your teeth and pushed back. You did it! You made it to 2021, pat yourself on the back, hug a loved one, hug your pet, appreciate the now because as this year has shown it could take it all away in the blink of an eye. I’m proud of you. Lets make 2021 the best year of the new decade, after all it can’t really get worse than how it started. <3

[surlyhobbit17-blog]

Belated Arcana Update

Hey hi hello it’s me. Soooo holiday season means long hours and little rest SO I’ve finally just finished up everyone’s route from the previous update Book XVII The Moon. 😅 BUT I STILL HAVE LOTS OF FEELINGS OKAY. PROLLY MORE THAN USUAL CAUSE SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND ALL BUT FUCK IT RIGHT 😂

So as usual before we get started...

OBLIGATORY THE ARCANA BOOK XVII THE MOON SPOILER WARNING!!!

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Aight so here we go my friends! 👏

The Arcana Book XVII The Moon

Asra’s Route - From the Other Side

OMG ALL THE FEELS 😭❤️ MOMMA AND DADDY FLOOF

MC awkward parent introduction is literally me 😂

HOLY SHIT MOMMA FLOOD BUILT LUCIOS ARM WTAF

GADDAMMIT I NEED MORE COINS TO COMFORT MY FLOOF 😭

YOOOO EPIC MAGIC BEASTIE MAKING 🔥

Epic battle against tree monsters and I am HERE FOR IT

“Oh it’s on now Tree!” Put this on my fucking grave please 😂

OH MY GOD DOUBLE SNAKES 😭 I WOULD DIE FOR THEM

Oooohhhh magical Auras! I like

YOOOOO LETS GO KICK SOME GOAT ASS MY DUDES

Omg Family Floof hug I cry

Julian’s Route - Dream Within A Dream

So I totally would still die for my girl Star

HELL YEAH ITS UP TO ME TO STOP THE DEVIL LETS KICK GOAT ASS

Julian is stepping uuuuup it’s so cute

I WANT A SNOWBALL FIGHT BUT IM POOR 😂

I’m going to lose my shit over these damn chains in every single fucking Route omg 😂

WAIT

WHAT

THE

ACTUAL

FUCK

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME MY DUMB ASS STARTED THIS SHIT OVER AT THE BEGINNING JAHAUSOJHS

I am getting in this damn boat and going to kick some goat ass

OH MY GOD NIGHTMARE FUEL JULAIN DISSOLVING INTO BEETLES KMN

UM EXCUSE ME

I SIGNED UP FOR GOATMAN MURDERING NOT JULIAN FEELS OMG

OH MY GAWD MY SWEET LIL BABY BOI HAS MADE SO MUCH PROGRESS I DIE 😭

AM I JUST GUNNA YELL FOR HIS ENTIRE ROUTE?! I LEAN TOWARDS YES

OH MY GOD WE FINALLY GET TO MEET DEATH JAHSIKNSKO

OH

MY

GAWD

ITS VLADELAVEMAH (VALDEMAR)

Aw damn I’m disappointed now smdh fucking Valdemar ruining the mood

“Kick their ass!” AIGHT IMA DO IT

EW THEYRE MELTING EW EW EW

PUT THE CHAIN BACK 😫

I have so many feelings about this Route omg 😭💀🔥❤️

Nadia’s Route - Breaking Chains

((Side Note: I totally did Nadia’s Route super late after the others...like I just barely finished it. I KNOW NADI DESERVES BETTER BUT ALSO SLEEP 😫))

YAY WE ARE THE FOOL! But holy shit we stole their body yikes...sorry my dude

Awwww Nadia is too sweet

Yaaas Nadia define yo damn self queen 👏

Super jealous of Nadi and Asras friendship tbh. What bros. I love it

“I’ll get them here one way or another” DAMN OKAY ASRA

DAMN I NEED MORE COINS 😭

DAMN VLASTOMIL YOU UGLY MY DUDE

MC ESMÉ BREAKER OF CHAINS BITCHES LETS UNBIND THIS FOO

Nadia is such a bamf omg 👏

Awww worried Nadi ❤️

AWWW VOLTA IS SO CUTEEEE OMG SOMEONE GIVE HER A COOKIE

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OOOOOOHHHH MYYYYYY GOOOOOOD 😂😂😂 SHES TERRIFYING 😂😂😂

Aw poor Volta I feel bad for her

OMG VOLTA IS SO CUTE 😭❤️ GG PROTECC THE BABY

Hierophant realm here we come! We on a roll!

Ew who turned the Hierophant into Voldemort. My guy got got

UGH VALERIUS YOU ANNOYING FUCK GTFO

THATS IT?! Omfgggg need more Nadi/MC badassery in my life

So wow wow wow what a fucking fun update! Now I gatta make some time to finish up Book XIX The Sun for my babies AND OMFG WE FINALLY GET SOMEONE NEW MY DUDE MURIEL so I gatta start that soon! Hopefully within the next few days!!! 👏

[shewhowantsmouseears]

Welcome To Spookyville! Chapter 5

Notes: As always, big thanks to my amazing editors, Drucilla and BlueShifted! In addition to all the commas, grammar and other mistakes I tend to make, they also added in plenty of their own jokes to make this nonsensical time extra hilarious.

Well, it's the final chapter, I hope you all enjoyed this odd ride. As experiments go, I think this was an interesting one, but not one I'll revisit anytime soon. As much as I enjoy making people laugh, I do miss writing drama and true love.

Big thanks to my pals Chllstarr, Denise, and Cici, and wayyy too many of you nutty folks who, for years, demanded I wrote more of Witch Minnie and poor Mayor Mickey. I hope this satisfied your craving, you lovable weirdos. Naturally, I also thank all my fans who left comments, reblogged, and so forth - each one means the world to me and keeps me going.

Happy Halloween, again, and may your days be less spooky than Mickey's!

Summary: In the final tale of Spookyville, a villain returns with a nefarious scheme... by using another villain! Are they getting as lazy as the author?

For the final tale in Spookyville, we return once more to the pumpkin-filled park, where our heroes – protagonists? – maybe “main victims” is the best term – were quietly passing the time, waiting patiently for another man's arrival. Goofy had set up a lovely picnic, and Donald and Mickey were eating away, their manners impeccable and their taste buds questionable. As they waited, they discussed the topic of the day – the word “normal”.

Normal is relative in Spookyville. If something happens to you enough times, you might consider it normal for your day to day life. Today, for example, Mayor Mickey found it normal to have received a letter from warlock Mortimer to meet him in the town square for another magic duel. Ever since Mortimer lost Minnie's affections to the Mayor (not that he ever had them [in any universe]), he had tried to take Spookyville over in retribution by challenging Mickey to these ridiculous battles, and had lost in utter humiliation each and every time. Since Mickey's magic was much stronger, and Mortimer's mind was much weaker, these became more like chores than epic duels to the death.

“For a guy who claims to be the best student at his school,” Donald said in-between cookie bites, “he sure doesn't learn his lesson.”

“Maybe we should write Headmaster Scrooge about this.” Mickey picked up a cup of pumpkin spice tea. “I don't want to get Mortimer in more trouble than he's already been in, but if a person doesn't learn from their mistakes, they're doomed to repeat them.” He was about to take a sip when his nose picked up on the fact that this didn't smell like pumpkin at all. He glanced downward, and instead of an orange color in his cup, it was pink, the steam looking like a mixture of a heart and a skull with crossbones. “Speaking of doom that repeats for eternity...”

“Hey guys! What’re you doing here?” Minnie chirped happily, right next to Mickey, holding up a gigantic kettle of love-potion tea, if it could be called that. By this point, the three men were no longer shocked she could sneak up on them with more stealth than your average anime ninja.

Donald held up a small envelope between his fingers. “Same reason as you, I bet.” Mickey silently dumped his tea onto the grass, pretending he didn't see it wither and die.

“AND NOW, THE HOUR OF HIS DEFEAT IS NIGH!” In a puff of hazardous blue smoke, Mortimer appeared before our heroes, flaunting his expensive robes and holding up a brand new spell book. “I wanted the people closest to the mayor to see his ultimate downfall! For this is the day I triumph over him once and for all! He will rue the day he didn’t hand over the town to me peacefully when we first met! Now he will know the true wrath of Warlock Mortimer, the most powerful… are any of you listening to me?!”

Another normality of Spookyville was Mortimer’s dull bragging monologues, so when the blue smoke appeared, the small group did their usual business – Goofy poofing up a brand new pot of tea to pour for the mayor, Donald informing Mickey about the day’s schedule while Mickey tried to arrange the best times, and Minnie clinging to his arm and trying to earn a kiss out of him. Mickey was the first to notice Mortimer had stopped talking. “Oh, uh, sorry. Go on.”

“I challenge you, mayor!” Mortimer pointed a demanding finger towards Mickey, while the mayor calmly tried to push Minnie's face away from his own. “To a magic duel! And the winner becomes Mayor of Spookyville! Do you accept?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.” Mickey waved off his group, and they gave him enough space for him to start doing his stretch exercises. “Can we wrap this up a little quicker today? I’m supposed to give a speech at noon for the Ghoul Scouts. They have a new badge for 'Warning Citizens About Minnie'.”

“It's so adorable!” Minnie added, having poofed up a pair of pompoms to cheer for her beloved. “It almost makes me sorry for trying to use their cookies in last weeks plan! At least only fifteen people got sick this time.”

“Your arrogance will be your downfall today!” Mortimer flipped open his book, and pressed his thumb down on the chosen page. “I only need one spell to take care of you!” The page began to glow black with red letters, giving off a dangerous air. “This is the ultimate Summoning Magic! Long has it been forbidden, but I am the one who can tame its invincible power! Take this, former mayor of Spookyville!” The glow of morbid colors swirled together, and then shot out of the book, blasting towards Mickey. The mayor braced himself, crossing his arms in front of him. The blast hit him –

And went right through him. Mickey blinked, not feeling a twinge of pain anywhere. Not even his clothes registered a tear or a fold. The blast was already gone, and for everyone who was looking at this battle, it was as if nothing had happened. Mickey waited a moment, and then clicked his tongue. “… So, uh, are we done here? Like I said, I got a speech to do, and those girls get ornery if I'm late…”

“I HAVE ALREADY TRIUMPHED!” Mortimer declared way too loudly, doing his trademark obnoxious laugh. “Maybe I can never defeat you, but I know who can! You will defeat you!”

“… I wanna say that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard you say, but I’m gunna guess you still got plenty to say.” He rolled his eyes at his opponent’s gloating, but in doing so, now noticed a red swirl floating just about his head. The red swirl turned and turned over and over until it became rectangular, and then it solidified, turning into a red door. The door then swung open, and someone hopped onto the ground.

It was another Mickey – and yet so not Mickey! Unlike the mayor, this Mickey’s outfit was composed of blood rich reds, from his top hat, to his flowing overcoat, and whatever wasn’t red was nightly black and decorated in yellow spider-webs. His hat boasted a proud yellow bat insignia, his spider-web collar popped out around his neck, and even his eyes were red as the fires of hell. He smirked wickedly at those who had gone silent due to being stunned – except Minnie, who had started cheering “Whoo-hoo, two mayors!” after she pinched herself to make sure she wasn’t having that dream she typically had on Tuesday nights.

“Behold, former Mayor!” Mortimer slammed his book shut, now that he was certain in his victory. “I have come across a spell that takes all your worst traits, and creates a second you! All of your sins, all of your hidden evil thoughts, all that you try to hide… that will be your undoing! I deem him… Malice Mickey! Now, Malice Mickey! Destroy my enemy, and make me the new mayor!”

Malice Mickey glanced over at Mortimer, and then stuck his hands in his pants pockets. “Nah.”

“… N-Nah?!” Mortimer dropped his book, unable to believe what he had just heard. “Hey, I just brought you into life! Now go and get me the title of Mayor!”

“Why should I?” Malice Mickey shrugged, and began to take a good look at his surroundings, as the stupefied others stared back and forth at the two bickering. “You said it yourself… you can’t beat me. So I’m gunna take over Spookyville!” He grinned, exposing sharp fangs as devious plans began to grow in his twisted mind. “I’ll flip over all the rules, and make it into my perfect home! No more mister nice guy… this place is all mine now!”

“You ungrateful brat!” Mortimer hissed, trying to pick up his fallen book. “I made you, I can unmake you! All I need to do is go back to that page and-”

Malice Mickey snapped his fingers, and the shadow behind him suddenly rolled around, turning into a horrid beam of pure darkness, blasting right at Mortimer. Unlike Mortimer’s attack, which hadn’t even caused Mickey to flinch, this blast actually did some blasting – Mortimer was now a flat pancake in the walls of the nearby coffee shop. Malice Mickey dusted himself off, enjoying the startled audience. “My powers are of darkness and shadows. I guess you could call it... Malice Magic!” He was evil, not creative. “I can use anything with a shadow as a weapon. So, who’s next?”

“Leave this menace up to us, Mister Mayor!” Donald and Goofy took fighting stances as they stood in front of their mayor, willing to end the problem right there. “It’s still you, deep down! And he has our memories, our loves together, our bonds in his heart! He’ll definitely be reluctant in attacking us! We’ll use our friendship to our advantage! He won’t be able to touch us!”

Six seconds later, Goofy and Donald joined Mortimer as they were embedded into the thick coffee shop walls. “Sorry about that, fellas!” Mayor Mickey called out when the debris had stopped falling.  “I promise to give you more vacation days to make up for it!” He ignored the fact that Donald was probably giving him a different finger than a thumbs-up, and faced his opponent. “I ain’t givin’ up my title to someone who’s just gunna cause trouble! You better go back where you came from!”

“Am I supposed to be scared of a goody-two-shoes?” Malice Mickey laughed, and clenched his fists as he prepared for another spell. “You always hold back your real power because you want to protect your precious home… but I’ve got no conscience, no guilt, no shame! This town is mine, right after I get rid of you!” His shadow began to move again, and another attack of sheer darkness was launched at the mayor before he had time to react.

But this attack would not land, as two thin, red magical shields were held up just in time to deflect it. When the pom-pom shields came down, witch Minnie proud stood in front of the mayor, actually capable of protecting him, when she wasn't the one after him. “No one’s getting rid of my Mayor!” she announced with her hands on her hips, and for once in his life, the mayor was glad to be the object of her obsession. “He’s the best mayor Spookyville has ever had, and no handsome madman in good pants is going to change that!”

Malice Mickey carefully studied his opponent, allowing his shadow to return to its normal shape. His red eyes went over her in detail, and then he casually strode up to her, licking his lips. “Mmm… speakin’ of no shame…” He came right up to her, cupping her chin in his gloved fingers. “How’s about when I become Mayor, I make you my secretary? I promise I’m real good at dictation.”

“H-HEY!” Mayor Mickey yanked Minnie back by her shoulders, flustered by a man wearing his face making such lewd insinuations. “This is a Disney Story! You almost made us change the Rating! Where do you get off sayin’ that?! … On second thought, don't answer that.” Minnie, meanwhile, was having a mental meltdown, unable to believe what she had just experienced but very eager to experience it again.

“If you're not gunna use her, why can’t I?” Malice Mickey yanked her forwards, giving her a swift pat on the tail. “And I can think of a lotta uses for her.”

“Get your hands off of her!” Mickey grabbed a hold of Minnie’s hand, trying to get her back.

Malice Mickey grabbed her other hand, and the tug of war began. “Last time I checked, you wanted to get rid of yer stalker. You don’t want her, so I’m takin’ her.”

“J-Just because I don’t want her doesn’t mean you can have her!”

“C’mon, Mins, let’s ditch this loser and have some fun on the dark side.”

“Don’tcha listen to him, Minnie! He’s nothin’ but trouble!”

Back at the marginally destroyed coffee shop, the three victims had managed to peel themselves off the wall and began painfully crawling back to Mortimer’s dropped spell book. “If I can just get back to that page,” Mortimer groaned while on his hands and knees, yet also holding a fresh cup of java. “I can use a counteractive spell and get rid of him.”

“We gotta do it quick,” Goofy whispered so the trio wouldn’t be caught. “Or else Malice Mickey will take over all of Spookyville, and we’re all doomed!”

“Actually,” Donald pointed to the small group of mice. “I think we’ve got plenty of time.” The three of them paused to watch the oddly hilarious tug and pull go on, and judging by Minnie’s deliriously happy expression, she was the one winning the game.

“… So if Malice Mickey is made up of all of the Mayor’s hidden bad traits…” Goofy said slowly as he tried to explain his question. “… Does that mean he actually likes Min-”

“I don’t think the Mayor’s mental state is ready to deal with those kinds of ramifications,” Donald answered rapidly, hoping enough big words would stall Goofy’s intelligence from coming up with any more dangerously accurate lines of reasoning.

As for the game of mice, Malice Mickey swept up a victory by flipping Minnie over his shoulders and beginning to run away with her, manically cackling all the while as Minnie kicked her heels back and forth in confused glee. Mayor Mickey pushed his hat forward, beginning to snarl as he took chase. “After him, men! He’s gunna take Minnie out on a date!”

“And take over Spookyville,” Goofy reminded him.

“That too!”

~*~

Little known fact about vampires – their favorite color is blood red. As a result, they enjoy filling their homes with red things, such as red roses. Daisy Duck was at the flower boutique, hoping to buy a fresh bouquet for her coffin, genuinely surprised she was in another chapter as she had assumed she was a one-chapter joke. This was only slightly less surprising than the roof being ripped off by a gigantic shadow, and a copy of the Mayor hopping down to the floor with the infamous witch in his arms. But only slightly.

“A perfect location for the start of our date!” Malice Mickey decided, as the customers and employees all also decided that whatever was happening, they didn't want any part of it, and promptly left like a stampede of lion-killing wildebeests. “What better way to kick things off than with a boy giving his best girl fresh flowers?” He plucked off a forget-me-now from the shelf, having forgotten-now this wasn't Minnie's favorite. “Can't get anymore romantic than that!”

Minnie cupped her chin in thought as she took the flower. This was a conundrum! “On the one hand, you are the Mayor, sort of,” she explained out loud, plucking a petal off. “On the other hand, I fell in love with the Mayor for his positive traits.” Pluck. “But you're willing to actually hold me and date me and ignore the massive property damage I cause.” Pluck. “But the way Mickey sobs into his pillow at night over the way I dent the city's budget is so adorable...” Pluck.

The door to the shop opened so hard that the cute bell atop went flying, smacking Malice Mickey's hat off. Mayor Mickey and his cronies stood in the doorway, panting hard, having sprinted all the way there. They spotted Daisy first. “Miss! Have you seen my evil clone and my obsessive fangirl?”

“It's a sad state of affairs that there's not a single weird thing in your sentences anymore,” Daisy said as she pointed them in the right direction, before waving to Donald. “Hi babe. Dinner at eight?”

“This time, can I please not be the dinner?”

Malice Mickey growled, putting his hat back on. If he was going to murder someone, he was going to do it with style. “Get lost, dweebs! I'm not letting you ruin my date!”

“And I'm not letting you date Minnie!” Mickey countered.

“And take over Spookyville,” Goofy reminded him again.

“And that too!”

“Then I'll just have to get rid of you the hard way!” Malice Mickey warned, as Minnie had now stripped at least seven flowers of their petals as she continued to debate her boyfriend options. He raised a hand, and began to fire off more blasts from his infernal shadow powers, which were thankfully so vague the author didn't have to think too hard about it.

The trio ducked under a heavy shade of nightshade, trying to go through their options, while Daisy plucked a straw from her purse – if this was going to be a bloodbath, might as well get a free meal out of it. “We're in trouble, Mayor!” Donald stated the obvious. “It's the last chapter, so the writer is going to be extra lazy in an effort to get this thing done and over with! There could be all kinds of badly written plot twists and deus ex machinas!”

“Or a deus ex mouse-ina., Goofy couldn't help himself, and thus felt he had earned it when Donald kicked him into the line of fire.

“We'll just have to make due!” Mickey opened his cape, summoning one of his many doors. “Concentrate on finding that spell! I'll distract him! Open Sesame!” It was a flower shop, so it made sense to magically command a door full of bees! They swarmed Malice Mickey, but not Minnie, because animals have a natural sense not to attack things they know will destroy them in the blink of an eye.

While Malice Mickey yelped and tried to dodge the stream of stings, Minnie sighed, running out of flowers to ruin. “This is really hard! Maybe I should just flip a coin.”

“Great idea, babe!” Malice Mickey grabbed her wrist, pointing down to his shadow. “As the new Mayor, the city's money is my money too! Let's go shopping!” With that, he hopped into his shadow, vanishing along with his stolen bride.

“Oh, come on, that's taking lazy writing to the max!” Mayor Mickey moaned, slapping a hand to his forehead. “If he keeps getting new abilities whenever he feels like it, we'll never be able to stop them!”

“But this book is huge!” Donald held it up, showing off the thick pages and ineligible handwriting. “I can't even begin to find the spell Mortimer used! How can we find the counter-spell before it's too late? Can't we just have the author go back and delete that note, so we have an easier time?”

Goofy sat up, having been blasted to bits by Malice Mickey's line of fire but still having enough strength left over to drop the next plot point. “Well... since he came from the book, what if we just put him back in there?”

Mickey snapped his fingers. “That's brilliant, Goofy! We'll smash him between the pages, like when I used Donald's schedule-book to kill that pesky fly this morning!”

“Exactly! … Wait, what did you do my book?”

~*~

The First National Bank of Spookyville was normally a quiet, boring place, as most banks are. Being a Halloween-themed bank didn't really change that aspect, save for the fact most of the coins inside were chocolate and covered in fake gold foil. Minnie wound up more interested in eating them than flipping them, which only made choosing which Mickey she preferred all the more difficult. It was also difficult to think clearly when Malice Mickey was making so much noise ripping the vault doors open and laughing evilly as he shoved money into his pockets. “Mwahahaha! All the money in Spookyville belongs to me! It's my right to use it however I want! A new mansion, fancy cars, and most expensive of all, a decent phone service!”

The tellers hid in a corner, afraid of this “new side” of the Mayor. “A politician who is actually honest about their corruption... What's next? Celebrities admitting they actually use plastic surgery?! Spookyville can't handle this kind of reality!”

“Spookyville won't have a choice!” Malice Mickey slammed down a bag of cash, before standing on top of it proudly. “New rules for a new Mayor! I'm going to turn this place upside-down and inside-out!Everyone will have to do whatever I say, and I get to do anything I want! In fact, why settle for being a mere mayor? No more elections! No more votes! For my first act, I declare myself as the forever ruler of Spookyville... King Mickey!”

With that settled, Malice Mickey jumped in front of Minnie, ready to win her over. “How does that sound? Simple and Clean, right?”

Minnie “hmm”ed about it, flipping another chocolate coin in her mouth to give a thoughtful chew. “You know, when you walk away, you don't hear me say-”

“Please, oh baby, don't go?”

“No.” Minnie held up a flat hand to stop the musical. “I'm in love with Mayor Mickey, not King Mickey. I'm starting to wonder if you're just too different from the man I want to be with. If I have to think this much about it, doesn't that say something?” Aside from the fact that this story needed to be stretched out.

“But if I'm King, I'll need a Queen!” Malice Mickey threw an arm around Minnie's shoulders. “Think of it – Queen Minnie! What comes to mind when you hear that?”

“Being a laggy Escort Mission?”

“Besides that,” He cleared his throat. “No rules, no limits! You can do whatever you want, to whoever you want, and never suffer any consequences!”

“How is that any different than what I do now?”

Malice Mickey needed a few seconds to come up with a better answer. “Less puns?”

This was, admittedly, a tempting offer. She thought of it while the Mayor and his lackeys once again caught up to the doorway, out of breath and needing to grab a glass of water before they could manage to speak. “Why is it,” Donald said after a haggard breath, “Witches can fly wherever they want, but warlocks have to run? This town is too big!”

“At the next meeting, let's bring up the idea of moving sidewalks again...” Mickey wiped sweat off his forehead before continuing the story. “Hold it right there, you demonic deuce! And stop holding Minnie! Whatever it takes, I will not let you date her!”

“And take over Spooky – aw, forget it.”

Malice Mickey began to stomp forward, irritation clear on his face. “You've interrupted me for the last time, Squeaky and Clean! I'm going to wipe you off the map! My shadows are endless, I can never run out of them!”

“Ditto for my doors!” Mickey countered, holding up his cape. “I never run out of places to send or things to summon! If we want, this could be an epic battle for the ages with intricate detail and breathless exposition!”

Faced with the idea of a never-ending duel of magic, they decided to just do plain old fisticuffs.

“LADY, COULD YOU PLEASE JUST TAKE ONE CREATIVE WRITING COURSE?!”

Malice Mickey launched himself at his better half, and the childish brawl began, mostly with slaps but also with the occasion punch, kick, and bite. Goofy and Donald didn't dare interfere, just because this looked really childish, especially as Malice gave Mickey an epic noogie. Still, the match wasn't going to make any progress anytime soon. After all, they were equally matched, with equal strength, equal weaknesses, and equal stubbornness. This could have gone on all day and all night.

Which suited Minnie just fine, as she wondered if she could get this image to replay for her every morning when she got out of bed. But this wasn't solving her problem.

With great reluctance, Donald inched over to Minnie, holding out the book that started the whole mess. “If we could just smush the evil double into the book, he'd be gone. You're stronger than all of us, by some cruel twist of fate, so could you do us all a favor and get this over with?”

“I don't know...” Minnie clicked her tongue. “It is kind of nice having the Mayor fight for me! Why should I stop this right now? Maybe the other guy can stick around so the Mayor can keep on chasing me! I can't think of anything better than that!”

Both Mickeys heard this loud and clear, and it became clear to the Mayor that there was only one way out of this. He'd have to say the words he had been dreading since he first learned of Minnie's insane desire for him. It was time to reach into the very depths of his soul and pull out his earnest, honest feelings. Men could only hold onto their pride for so long! He knew Minnie better than anyone, so knew exactly what she wanted to hear.

It was time to use... the d-word.

Mayor Mickey kicked Malice Mickey off him, and on one knee, slammed his hand down to the floor. “Minnie! I just have one thing to say, and if it won't change your mind, I'll give up! I promise I'll leave the both of you alone to do whatever PG-13 things you want!”

Malice Mickey snorted, his arrogant nose high in the air. “What could you possibly say that'll make her choose you over me?”

Mayor Mickey inhaled deeply, eyes shut, mentally readying himself. When he opened his eyes, he stared right at Minnie, who was very curious about this turn of events. “Minnie Mouse... If you defeat Malice Mickey... I'll go on a date with you.”

Three seconds of silence passed – Malice Mickey burst into uproarious laughter. “A date?! That's it? You think she'll get rid of me for one lousy date? You must be out of your-”

BA-THONK, apparently, is the sound of a heavy open book smashed into the skull of an evil clone.

BA-THONK!

BA-THONK!

BA-THONK!

BABABABABABA-THONKTHONKTHONKTHONKTHONKTHONK-

“I think he's in already.” Goofy timidly suggested, as Minnie continued to slam the magic book down on the space Malice Mickey used to be. Indeed, he had poofed back inside after the first hit, but Minnie wanted to be extra sure, and thus kept banging the book into the floor until there was a certifiable crack in the marble.

Satisfied, Minnie closed the book. “All done! When are we going out?”

“You can't be serious,” Donald scoffed. “He just said that to get you to help out!”

“Now, now, Donald.” Mickey began to stand up, brushing his outfit down and notably not making eye-contact with Minnie. “I am a man of my word. I said I'll go on a date with her, and that's what I'll do. We'll arrange it and everything.”

Goofy placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. “That's awfully considerate of you, Mickey! I think I respect you more than I ever did before!” Even Donald had to admit this was rather amazing, and he felt his soul moved! Both men were in awe of Mickey's bravery!

“So, Donald, arrange a date... for April 31st.”

Both men were in awe of Mickey's cowardice.

Minnie threw her arms around Mickey for a tight squeeze, unable to stop giggling. “Oh, I can't wait! This has made today's weirdness all worth it! I love you sooo much, my Mayor!” With a smooch to his cheek, she twirled around, delirious with joy. “I'll love you forever and ever and ever, no matter what! Oh, I'm so excited, I want to start preparing for it right away!” She stuck two fingers in her mouth, whistling for her flying broom to pick her up. Once she was high in the sky, she waved back to the men, and let out one more long “I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUU!” as she sailed off into the clouds.

Mickey straightened his jacket. “So, how long do you think it'll take her to realize April 31st doesn't exist?”

“I give it another minute,” Goofy said after checking his watch. “Guess this is just normal for us too.”

“Gives us a good head start, at least!” Mickey tried to see the positive side of the situation, and started to run. “C'mon, fellas! We've got a whole day of dodging and repairing to get through!” Just like every day since he met her, and every day in the future – given the longevity of warlock lives, and the longevity of Halloween itself, he knew this was a chase that would last until the end of time. For one reason or another, this didn't bother him as much as it should.

Fortunately for the rest of us, this story is not as long. So how does one end five tales of ghouls, girls and ghastliness? Perhaps the simplest way is best. They all lived happily ever after, and Mickey married Minnie and had sixteen children and they all lived in a big pumpkin house with eight cats and -

Minnie, get off my keyboard!

[jennacha]

here’s a big rant about The Child Thief

ok i have a big confession to make

I’m kind of obsessed with the book The Child Thief.

It’s not a particularly good book. In fact, I would go as far to say it’s poor. The writing has the cadence of 15-year-old-going-through-their-novelist-phase. I guess I could say it reads like fan fiction. The plot is very messy. The characters are badly written. It feels like a book that wasn’t edited. The word “magic” is used a lot, and it’s embarrassing. There’s a part where a character slams their fist on the ground and yells “WHY?!” and it’s embarrassing. The dialogue feels like it came out of a 1990s teen adventure fantasy movie trying to imitate the success of a Corey Feldman/Haim movie. Several times throughout the book the thought, “Why did the author do this?” popped in my head. However, the author is a fantasy illustrator, so the descriptive writing is a plus. He knows how to illustrate the landscape with words as well as he would in painting. The book is not a special unit dumpster fire piece of shit insult to literature; in fact, as far as I know a lot of people like it and it has gotten a decent amount of praise. It’s just not very good, in terms of the surface level writing. But I can easily see a lot of people enjoying it for basic entertainment value.

So that would be my YA-focus blog summary review of the book.

My public outcry summary review of the book is this:

I’m obsessed with the book because it’s so fucking weird.

It’s so fucking weird in that it’s a perfect shitstorm of the author not knowing what he’s doing, and thinking he’s knowing what he’s doing. Like a perfect bad B-movie that exhibits textbook schlock where the director is incompetent and clueless but lacks any self-awareness, in terms of style, layout, and production.

But also, the author thinks what he’s doing is…cool.

The book is about evil Peter Pan.

I could end this whole thing right there. But I must release these hounds. I’ve been needing to let all this out.

My wretched insanity craves affirmation.

This book should be a carbon copy of every other average to below average dark fantasy novel that you see on the bookstore shelves and never heard of and wonder what the author is doing now with all their not-fame. This book should be one that could’ve been written by anybody and it wouldn’t have made a difference. This book should be one of sixty million examples of nothing special. In a way, it is definitely 100% yes definitely yes all those things. The universe decided that I would be the bearer of the burden of having much stronger feelings about it then necessary. I probably feel more strongly about it than the author ever did. It is in my life now.

The biggest thing about this book being so fucking weird is the mind boggling tonal inconsistency. There are a number of shifts in universe-encompassing moods, which go from “Christopher-Nolan-but-also-kind-of-Stephanie-Meyer-dark-gloomy-the-world-is-unhappy-and-I-like-it-that-way”, to “David-Fincher-the-world-is-ACTUALLY-awful”, to “Oh-right-this-is-a-Peter-Pan-story-whimsical-fun-Goonies-meets-Disney-Channel-original”, to “A-worse-version-of-The-Hobbit-movies-with-some-redeeming-qualities”, to “Quentin-Tarantino-literally-wrote-this.” This isn’t hyperbole. The writing language can be REALLY EMBARRASSING and straight out of a Disney movie. That tone of a fun romp for the whole family is cradled by an abundance of swearing, unsettling fantasy-horror, and extreme, shocking violence.

You know when you’re watching Beetlejuice, and you’re like “Okay this movie is for children” and then out of nowhere Michael Keaton goes “NICE FUCKIN’ MODEL” and grabs his dick.

In The Child Thief, THAT washes over you every time you finish reading a sentence. Only, it’s as if you’re watching Hook, and at one point Robin Williams slices a person’s face off, and the camera stays on the faceless person for a minute and Steven Spielberg walks into frame and points to the gurgling faceless head and describes to you how you can still see the holes where the mouth, nose, and eyes were.

(Yes that actually happens in the book.)

Or if you’re watching Neverending Story and at one point you get expository dialogue explaining how Atreyu was pimped as a boy and had to live on the streets because his mother was, uh, a drug addict or something?. 

(That also happens.)

Or if you’re watching Indian in the Cupboard and the film opens with a little girl about to get raped by her dad.

(I’m serious.)

Or if you’re watching Hocus Pocus and Bette Midler is a vampire and she preys on a 6-year-old kid and neither of them have shirts on.

(I swear to god.)

Or if you’re reading a modern re-imagining of Peter Pan and the story involves blatant themes of gore in acute descriptive detail, mass murder, torture, and scenes with naked women and perverted fantasy-creature-men.

(Oh, wait.)

You’re probably thinking, “All those themes are found pretty much everywhere in every medium, especially the naked women and perverts. Big whoop.” I’ll add, then, all those themes, involving children.

Now you’re thinking, “Jenna don’t you love that movie Drag Me To Hell which involves a child being murdered within the first 2.5 minutes?”

Just hear me out and yes.

The Child Thief is entertaining in how CAPTIVATING the strangeness is. The tonal mishmash of kid-friendly meets rated-R is something I actually like, when it's a hit. I like things that have a quality of whimsy amidst dark themes. Movies such as Temple of Doom, Gremlins, Return to Oz, Darkman have this quality…basically almost every movie from the 1980s during the period when audiences had grown up with movies after censorship was abolished and half the world said “think of the children” and the other half said “no.” There are tons and tons of other examples in every medium of how general tonal contrast makes for unique and effective works of art. My point is, this specific type of tonal contrast also can be done well.

But those movies don’t open with attempted child rape, and they don’t end with children literally being mowed down in a grisly battle scene (I’m serious). I’m making a lot of comparisons to movies because the book almost feels like a movie, in that the author isn’t a novelist, he’s a visual story-maker who wrote a book because he knew that no movie studio would pick this shit up. Maybe the films I listed didn’t intend for tonal contrast to be a calculated driving element for their stories, but the subtlety of tones in those movies allows for one encompassing, harmonious tonal blanket to wrap them in. There is no subtlety in The Child Thief.

The tonal confusion of The Child Thief is, I almost wanna say coincidental. I think the author just didn’t know how to write well, but he’s a very dark visual guy and had all these dark visuals in his head ready to be unleashed. All the horrible violence and awful themes are fine in and of itself, but they aren’t earned if the attitude of “I’m gunna turn the children’s book foundation on its head” isn’t committed to, and “I’m gunna subvert everything you know and love about Peter Pan” isn’t calculatedly plotted out. The author has a bad sense of humor, a poor understanding of what is required of an epic storyline, and treats violence, horror and revenge less like a literary device and more like a fetishization of coolness in a vulgar display of power as a writer.

The misguidedness goes as far as the character writing. None of the characters’ motivations make sense. The author couldn’t keep track of either committing to one motivation or the other, a lot of the times for the sake of the plot. Especially with the Peter Pan character. He’s basically literally the anti-christ (this is 100% canon, if the author says it isn’t then he’s a liar and an idiot) and written like a “troubled villain” but then gets these VERY polarized directions of unrelenting psychopathic Cause It’s Die Motherfucka Die Motherfucka Still, Fool villainy and ham-fisted humanism and victimhood. It’s a case of like, the author meant for him to be the charming bad guy who tricks the audience into being on his side because that’s what Peter does to the characters in the book. But the author found him too cool and wanted to be his friend, but in order to justify being friends with a character who wants to murder everybody, he inappropriately gives him remorse and forces the reader to feel bad for him.

And like all the kids in the book are supposed to super love Peter Pan but the version of Neverland is like this horrific, NIGHTMARE HELL of a place and the kids are basically being used to fight in a war, and all the kids are totally okay with it, because their lives in the real world were really awful and the whole thing is that Peter “saves” them and they’ll do anything for him. And it’s like, okay???????????????????? But wouldn’t it be cooler if the kids were like okay this guy is a fucking psycho and Neverland is a horrific, nightmare hell and I’m learning a lot about myself right now having once trusted him???? And then in their retaliation Peter would show his true colors and enforce aggression onto them in serving as his personal enslaved militia? And it becomes like this inner circle of conflict? And since Peter is the only person who can bring them back to the real world, they play ball but hope to steer their own agenda out of the situation? OH, right, that DOES happen, but with ONE of the characters. ONE. Conveniently, the main character. And god knows there can’t be more than one smart human being at a time.

But if you want to SUBVERT the BELOVED CHILDREN’S STORY FORMAT wouldn’t it be fun to do PETER PAN VS. THE LOST BOYS? Instead of MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PETER PAN AND THE HOT TOPIC LOST BOYS VS. THE ONLY SEMI-SMART MAIN CHARACTER? Like wouldn’t it be GREAT if the characters WEREN'T DUMB? And the author put in some CONSTRUCTIVE, CHALLENGING CREATIVE EFFORT and treated the interactions like a CHESS GAME instead of a CONTRIVED MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN JOEY, ROSS, CHANDLER, RACHEL, MONICA AND THE OTHER ONE? Wouldn’t it be GREAT if ALL THE CHARACTERS TURNED AGAINST PETER but then Peter SLOWLY CHARMED SOME OR ALL OF THEM BACK IN, to make him MORE like an UNEARTHLY MONSTER? Like the lost boys became SELF-AWARE LITERAL VICTIMS OF THE ORIGINAL TALE FORMAT, where Peter Pain is this IMPOSSIBLY CHARMING CHARACTER THAT IS BELOVED BY THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE? ALSO, the MAIN CHARACTER is supposed to be the MODEL OF REASON FOR THE READER TO RELATE TO, but the main character still gets CHARMED BY PETER PAN, WHILE WE KNOW AS RATIONAL ADULTS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN? LIKE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HOW READING BOOKS IS? When we KNOW WHAT’S GUNNA HAPPEN? BUT THE AUTHOR WANTS TO BE PETER’S FRIEND SO HE DOES IT ANYWAY? AND LIKE SEVERAL OTHER CHARACTERS THAT THE MAIN CHARACTER IS FRIENDS WITH ARE ALSO SUPPOSED TO BE FIGURES OF REASON BUT THEY’RE ALSO 100% PARTISAN IN SIDING WITH PETER? SO IT’S LIKE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIKE ALL YOU DUMB, DUMB KIDS?

LIKE OKAY, SO HOW IT GOES IS THAT PETER CAN LIKE WALK ACROSS THE DIMENSION BETWEEN NEVERLAND AND THE REAL WORLD AND THAT'S HOW HE GETS THE KIDS? SO AT ONE POINT IN NEVERLAND THEY ALL HAVE TO SCAVENGE FOR FOOD BECAUSE THE VEGETATION IN NEVERLAND IS DYING, AND THEY MENTION HOW PETER USED TO BRING THEM FOOD FROM THE REAL WORLD? AND IT'S LIKE, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST KEEP DOING THAT? OR LIKE, WHY DON'T ANY OF YOU WANT TO JUST LEAVE? YEAH THE REAL WORLD SUCKS, BUT IS IT WORTH STARVING TO DEATH JUST SO YOU CAN STICK IT TO THE MAN? LIKE ARE THERE PEDIATRICIANS IN NEVERLAND? ARE THERE AT-RISK YOUTH SHELTERS? FOSTER CARE? NEVERLAND SOUP KITCHENS? NEVERLAND SOCIAL WORKERS? NEVERLAND CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES? NEVERLAND POLICE? NO? JUST MONSTERS THAT PAINFULLY KILL YOU, ZOMBIE PIRATES, NO FOOD, AND LITERALLY THE ANTI-CHRIST?

AND THEN THERE’S RIDICULOUS SHIT LIKE, AT ONE POINT ALL THESE MAGICAL FANTASY CHARACTERS HIJACK A NEW YORK CITY FERRY TO GET TO THE HARBOR AND IT’S LIKE, THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS IT SHOULD BE AWESOME, BUT IT ISN’T AWESOME BUT IT SHOULD BE SO WHY ISN’T IT?

AND LIKE ONE OF THE CHARACTERS IS A FAT USELESS KID NAMED DANNY AND THERE IS NO REASON FOR HIM TO BE IN THE BOOK BESIDES TO BE THE TOKEN FAT USELESS KID NAMED DANNY?

BUT DANNY IS LIKE ALSO THE ONLY OTHER SMART CHARACTER IN THE BOOK BECAUSE HE’S LIKE WHY DID I SAY YES TO THIS WHY ARE WE STILL FOLLOWING THIS GUY WHY DON’T WE JUST LEAVE AND IT’S LIKE YEAH PUT DANNY IN CHARGE BUT NOBODY LISTENS TO HIM AND HE’S JUST COMPLETELY UTTERLY USELESS?

AND THEN CAPTAIN HOOK ADOPTS DANNY AND IT’S LIKE OH MY GOD THE AUTHOR FORGOT HE NEEDED TO GIVE DANNY SOMETHING TO DO?

AND LIKE I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAIN CHARACTER’S NAME?

AND THEN AT THE END OF THE BOOK, SO, THERE’S THIS BIG HUGE BATTLE SCENE WHERE CHILDREN DIE LEFT AND RIGHT, LIKE THE “ANTAGONIST” (NOT PETER) HAS A HUGE SWORD AND IS SWINGING AT THE KIDS LIKE HE’S HARVESTING WHEAT, OH AND YEAH, BY THE WAY, AGAIN, THE REAL WORLD IS LOCATED IN NEW YORK CITY AND THE BATTLE HAPPENS ON LIKE THE FRONT LAWN OF A LIBRARY OR SOMETHING. LIKE THE STORY KIND OF TOTALLY GOES OFF THE RAILS INTO FANTASTIC SCHLOCK. AND AT ONE POINT THE BATTLE IS ABRUPTLY INTERRUPTED BY NYC POLICE AND IT’S LIKE ARE YOU SHITTING MY NUTS THE NYC COPS ARE INVOLVED IN THIS FANTASY BATTLE THIS IS AMAZING, BUT THEN THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN AND IT GOES NOWHERE. AND ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE DYING, AND NONE OF THEM HAD ARCS, LIKE NONE OF THEM REALIZED WHAT THEY GOT THEMSELVES INTO OR WHAT PETER REALLY WAS, AND AT THE ACT 3 POST-LOW POINT THE MAIN CHARACTER DIDN’T GO OFF TO DO HIS OWN THING AND TRY TO SAVE THE DAY, HE JUST GOES WITH PETER TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS, AND THEN HIS ARC IS BASICALLY NOTHING AND THEN HE DIES. AND *PETER* WINS. AND AGAIN HE’S LITERALLY THE ANTI CHRIST SO THE BOOK ENDS WITH HIM BRIDGING THE REAL WORLD WITH NEVERLAND, AND BASICALLY BEING THE BRINGER OF HELL UNTO THE EARTH. AND UP UNTIL THEN THE BOOK HAD ABOUT 68 INSTANCES OF THE READER SWITCHING BETWEEN FEELING BAD FOR PETER AND THEN ACCEPTING THAT HE IS HITLER NURSE RATCHED MAO STALIN. SO WHEN ALL THE KIDS DIE, HE HAS A SCENE OF FEELING REALLY BAD AND THE READER IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALL LIKE AW HE REALLY DOES CARE! AND THEN NEVERLAND GETS BRIDGED INTO NEW YORK CITY, AND HE’S LIKE HA HA HA HA I DID IT I WON. BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN SUCH A WAY THAT LIKE, THE AUDIENCE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE, WHEEEEEE! LIKE THIS THING THAT HAPPENED IS THE DOOM OF MANKIND, AND THE TONE SHOULD REALLY BE “OH GOD NO.” BUT THE AUTHOR WAS HAPPY THAT PETER WON IN THE END BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE HIS FRIEND, EVEN THOUGH LIKE FIFTEEN PAGES AGO PETER CAUSED THE DEATH OF AN ARMY OF CHILDREN (AFTER ANOTHER 600 PAGES OF ALL KINDS OF OTHER AWFUL SHIT). SO NOT ONLY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAD THAT PETER FEELS SAD, BUT THEN WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL HAPPY THAT PETER FEELS HAPPY. HOW ABOUT GO FUCK YOURSELF? HOW ABOUT IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE PETER A CHALLENGING UNRELIABLE ANTI-HERO, DON’T MAKE HIS DARK QUALITIES SO INCONTESTABLY EVIL, OR, EITHER CHOOSE TO MAKE PETER HATED BY THE AUDIENCE, OR MAKE THE AUDIENCE FEEL FOOLISH FOR BEING CHARMED BY PETER AND PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE BAD SHIT THAT HAPPENED AND GO FUCK YOURSELF?

...

I’ll give a different example of both tonal incongruence and bad character writing.

So, the opening scene of the book that involves attempted child rape, so. What happens is that Peter saves the little girl in time by killing the dad, and gains her trust to go to Neverland. The way the story regards the introduction to Peter is that of wonder and curiosity through the little girl’s eyes, as if it was derived from the original children’s tale. So the opener is meant to establish: a gritty “realness” to the book (which is never earned but i digress), and Peter as a mysterious magical hero. Then, the story carries on into describing Peter’s motivation in saving (the book uses “stealing”) children, which vaguely mentions his villainous indulgence (he’s saving children to recruit them in an army in Neverland to fight captain hook because his mommy is the president of neverland and there’s almost-Oedipal themes going on). Fine. However, the cadence of Peter actually being villainous is very very…undermined. Like the actual voice of the NARRATION is misinformed. Like the narration sounds more like Peter’s inner monologue speaking in the third person. Like the third person is in on it. Like the author is painting Peter as this wicked wrongdoer as if it’s a cool thing and he wants to be his friend (Oh wait).

This is how the voice of the opener is handled: Child rape —> Peter prevents child rape and saves child —> Peter is a good guy for doing this —> Peter is still a good guy for doing this but he did it maybe not for the right reasons. As it turns out, Peter is unquestionably the bad guy. Peter was the bad guy from the start, Peter was the bad guy while he was saving the little girl.

The rest of the book is handled like this: Peter is cool and badass  —> Peter is mischievous but still the person we want to follow —> Peter is a psycho...but still cool —> Oh shit Peter has a super awful past and his psycho-ness is the result of being a victim so I forgive him —> Wow Peter’s both a psycho and an asshole—> Okay I dunno about Peter —> The author keeps having Peter save people from being raped as if he’s not an asshole but he’s still a psycho and an asshole so I still don’t know —> The plot has a a lot of stuff so I guess I’m still with Peter —> Okay Peter won but everyone is dead because of him and he’s still an asshole so I still don’t know.

Peter tricks victims of rape, abuse, slavery, etc. into thinking they’re being saved when in fact he objectifies them for his personal needs. Remember how I said this book’s insane tonal confusion isn’t subtle? Well, from the book’s perspective, putting a finger on Peter’s good side and bad side...is subtle. Problematically subtle. Which, on a literary standpoint, sounds like a good thing, but...

This is the part when I say the thing you ACTUALLY SHOULDN’T BE SUBTLE ABOUT is PETER. You CAN be subtle about his tragic backstory. Be subtle about sprinkling his good qualities over his CAKE TOWER of BADNESS. Give him some KICK. Have the flavors INTERACT. Make the audience be like “OOOH, is that cumin?? Interesting! HMMMM! INTERESTING! CUMIN! ON DORITOS! YEAh I am definitely eating Doritos, this is absolutely Doritos, but there’s some CUMIN in there! Okay, back to eating my DORITOS! OOOOH, IS THAT CAYENNE?????” But whatever you do, make it CLEAR what you are SERVING. You should not have a MIXED BAG, a MEDLEY, and try to sell it like not-a-medley. You should NOT make half your plate super spicy and half your plate super sweet and make the audience roll the dice on each bite they take. Peter Pan isn’t some complexass Faustian character study, it’s SUBVERSIVE HYPERVIOLENT DARK FANTASY PORN. IT’S DORITOS

This is how the voice of the opener should've been handled: Child rape —> Peter prevents child rape and saves child —> Peter is the bad guy.

This is how the voice of the rest of the book should've been handled: No matter what happens —> Peter is the bad guy.

I don’t have and never will have the literary criticism credentials to say anything with credible boldness, but I’m going to say this anyway: Using child rape to force the reader to feel a certain way about the tone of the world and the first heroic impression of a character is wrong. Forcing an act of heroism (especially for you to then later say “Just kidding not the hero”) in that context is inappropriate and wrong. That’s like throwing 9/11 into the background of a love story to force the audience to feel extra emotional. 1) There are many, many, many, many ways you can establish “realness” in your opener with or without violence. I’m not saying there is a hierarchy of what kind of awful things involving children are okay to write about, but opening your story with attempted child rape is an unnecessary extreme if parts of your story reads like an episode of Saved By The Bell. Revenge alone isn’t cool. John Wick is cool because of the way revenge is handled. Writing about attempted child rape and then immediate revenge on the rapist is the Epipen-shot-to-the-brain method of forcibly getting your audience to go “I LIKE PETER!”, which isn’t at all earned and probably shouldn’t be in your story… 2) ESPECIALLY if you don’t simultaneously establish with slats nailed on a wall that Peter is the bad guy. The author basically deceived the audience into liking Peter in the worst way possible, ironically, which is what he had Peter do to the other characters. If you want to cleverly deceive the audience into liking Peter, do it through his dialogue, personality, the externalized product of the relationship between him and his environment. Be inventive about it. It’s a book. You got words. Use...words to your advantage. If you want to open your story with attempted child rape at the very least as a way to tell the audience this shit’s serious, don’t.

Just don’t. It’s fine.

The Child Thief can’t be pinned as So Bad It’s Good. It’s poor, but it’s not Tommy Wiseau-acclaim-bad. The only way I can describe it is So Disorderly It’s Weird. But it has potential for being SO Weird It’s Kind Of Genius. Which makes it So Almost SO Weird It’s Kind Of Genius It’s Frustrating.

The book’s biggest detriment is that it takes itself too seriously. The author’s motivating in writing the book (this is fact) was that he recognized that the beloved original tale of Peter Pan has a lot of dark elements, but continues to be celebrated as a children’s story. And he wanted to take that notion and run with it. What happened was that he selectively fell in love with elements of that concept, and instead of writing a story that was meant to pull the rug from under us, he ended up writing a run-of-the-mill edgy dark fantasy that he was obliged to pepper with Peter Pan references. Instead of pulling the entire rug beneath our feet and hauling us onto our asses, he took a small handful of rug here and there and just occasionally tugged at it roughly, so that we’d almost lose our balance and get annoyed and tell him to stop.

The book lacks its own conceptual self-awareness that it built for itself, and the result is two different bodies trying to be forcibly shoved into the same book-sized box, when it should’ve been a new gross, satirical, humorous, unique body entirely.

In that sense, I really think this book could’ve been truly unironically awesome. I love the idea of cartoonishly exaggerating the dark elements (especially the violence) of the original tale that have been culturally ignored, like a lot of (or most) (or all) old children’s tales. My ideal solution to this book would actually be making it even more ridiculous in every way, but strung together with self-awareness and intention, where the author could acknowledge that the absurdity is instrumental, not indulgent. There are many aspects of the book that I really like thematically, and none of them are fully (or at all) seen through to their potential. These ideas aren’t really intentionally presented in the book, but: I like the idea that Peter is a sadistic volatile killing machine because he’s cursed with being riiiiiight on the cusp of hitting puberty, and his body is trapped without that natural sexual/psychological release, turning him into an aggressive animal constantly teased by unfulfilled subconscious heat. I like the idea that the lost boys element would be subverted into an inevitable Lord of the Flies esque shitstorm. I like the idea that the danger and villainy are at first generalized in adults but eventually presented in the children. I like the idea that every single possible fucking thing in the world—both the real world (mostly nyc LoL!) and Neverland—are a threat and are actively trying to kill the children, and the children treat it like an adventure before the horror becomes real. I like the idea of illustrating the outcome of blindly following fun naive figures of leadership. There are even a number of character interaction scenes that I like format wise. Just minus the embarrassing dialogue. That stuff's easy to rewrite in your head as you read it. Also I would take out that part in the book that I described as Bette Midler not having a shirt on while preying on a 6 year old. That part was really fucking uncomfortable. Seriously wtf, Gerald Brom.

I must concede this notion: The writer didn’t set out to create a masterpiece. He wrote the book to have fun. He succeeded, and his readers expected the same thing and received the experience they wanted. Of all the things that could’ve landed in my hands and tickled me in a weird enough way to make me wish it was better, for some reason it had to be this.

I could keep going, but...eh, (sigh).

But lastly—again, the descriptive writing of the world is very lush, and at times effectively horrific. The reading experience is a constant stop and start call-and-response of really great potential, really clumsy writing, and really misunderstood tonal directions. All those things put this book directly on the edge of FRUSTRATING. Uniquely frustrating. It couldn’t have been salvaged by the hands of a more competent writer, because the product came to light specifically out of the author’s unintentional confusion, not his laziness. A lazy product with potential can be salvaged through additions and tweaks, but The Child Thief cannot because the story was seen through the way it existed in the author’s head and heart. It is exactly what it...is. It can’t be imitated, or inspired by, or re-re-imagined. This weirdass fucking book is just sitting on this planet, being read by people, and shit. 

…..Anyway. This was all just meant to be the caption for my fan art. http://jennacha.tumblr.com/post/172559227502/i-made-fan-art-of-a-book-i-both-love-and-hate-lol

[hard-broom]

The Friendship Trap: Live Reactions

Spoilers! 

The theme tune is my new anthem.

Oh my days I have been dying for the fire drill scene. It did not disappoint. Where is Mildred’s logic XD “No- *splash*

Water covered Hecate is something I didn’t know I needed. The collar move almost killed me.

Ada being ominous and lowkey authoritative :D

Wheres Onwards ever Striving Onwards? 

The way Hecate says “Art Mistress”

Her jumping up cracked me up XD “SEE being the operative”

@ miss mould: wtf

Miss Drill: *leaves*. Well something is gunna go wrong

@miss mould: Did you fcking wrap yourself

SUSPICIOUS HECATE IS HOT AS FUCK

*Hecate transfers* Me: and breathe

Miss Bat’s like aight Heca

@Miss Mould Can’t you just knock

Hecate is proud af at Ada. STOP PURSING YOUR LIPS HB I CANNOT COPE

Hecate saying BONDING= HOT

Drill being smartsmol as ever

Are they discussing their own shipnames???

@Miss Mould: Still wtf. Even when you’re not a rock

♫DONT GO BEA STAY♫

@Miss Mould: Hecate is going to strangle you

Ethel this is not helping.

@Miss Mould: Literally what the fuck

YAY it’s BAE <3

“Well met, Marigold Mould, and you must be?”

“Class dismissed”

OMFG I’M DEAD she blanked her I ship it already

Ada’s like wut..

MILDREDS 100% GUNNA RELEASE AGATHA I CAN SEE IT NOW

Sybil… Sybil… SYBIL YOU’RE HOLDING THE FCKIN FOUNDING STONE

I don’t care. I ship it. Hec’s face when Mould says Mildred Hubble.

Mould fancies Hecate I’m calling it now. Everyone fancies Hecate who am I kidding

Subtle gals Subtle

FIRREEEEEEEEEEE

Ada + tryna be some kind of epic sorceress

Hecate + On A Mission strut

Trio what are you dooooing

“Try not to drown anyone this time” OMFG

Sybil: I’m just gunna sit here right next to the fire that’s a good idea

Hecate’s like ummm What Ada ummmm I didn’t um...

DREAMTEAM <3

“I think we might be-”

IN SHIT

- yes you are trio

ITS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE oml

@Miss Mould WTF IS SHE EVIL

Hecate rolls her R. Me: Dies. RIP. 1999-2018.