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jinxthequeergirl · 4 years ago

Note

1-20 for Ash since he's your groovy boy.

I'M CRYING THE TERM "YOUR GROOVY BOY" MADE MY HEART MELT TO A PUDDLE (i've had a real shit day this is the only think keeping me sane)

In other news i wasn't sure if you meant like 1 through 20 or like just 1 & 20 so i went with the first option just so i could talk about him more(1 through 19 cause two where pretty much the same) I also made sure to make sure this was as gender natural as possible so

Enjoy

1: Cuddling

Ahakakab

Ok firstly Ash?

Biggest cuddlier ever

He just loves the close contact

Spoon wise

He is the big spoon cause he feels like even when sleeping hes protecting you

He also likes two other ways

A: His head on your chest with your arms around him

Because lets face it he also deserves to feel safe and protected

B: facing you with yout limbs in a tangle

Cause he likes to look at/ admire you

You look so peaceful its one of his favorite sights

2: kissing + Favorite kiss

Ash can be a pretty rough kisser

Almost kinda like a "we might die and or never see eachother again so this is my last chance to do this" type of kiss

Sometimes you have to remind him slow down and that everything is ok and as it should be

When he remembers that hes a very passionate kisser

Like he kisses you slowly but just rough enough to be perfection

She said sighing wistfully

They can also be really playful

He'll dip you while kissing you

But also he peppers kisses all over your face while tickling you

his favorite kisses are french and neck kisses

3: Injured

He likes to make jokes about it

To lighten the mood

Just cause seeing you worried about him breaks his heart

But also to make himself feel better and help to not worry bout it to much

He secretly likes getting injured

You're always so sweet and gentel with him

And you give him special treatments ( ;) ya know what i mean?)

He also pretends he doesn't like it when you kiss his injuries cause its "childish"

But he loves it

When you are injured however its a completely diffrent story

Hes not as calm and collected as you can be

Hes angry, worried and very guilty

You can tell he blames himself because he doesn't crack any jokes like usual and hes always very quiet while he's trying to patch you up

"Kiss me better?" You ask

That makes him smile and he kisses your injuries softly just like you would

You don't blame him and you tell him that much

4:First Date

Ashely J. Williams is not

A fancy man

classy

Or a rich man

He's not one for flashy/fancy dinner dates

Your first date was some sort of take out

In his trailer

You actually really enjoyed it

Only because he made it enjoyable

After dinner the two of you kinda just laied on the floor and talked

Which was weird for ash cause he was more of a

Take someone on a date and get down to bussnies type of guy

But he actually felt connected enough to just sit and chat

5: First kiss

It happens on the hood of the delta on your second date

You where sitting there star gazing

Just talking again and when you looked over you saw him staring at you

"What?"

"Nothing...it's just...your so amazing.."

You only laugh at him

Before suddenly you felt his lips on yours stopping you

That was one of the first and only times hes ever taken his time kissing you

It was one of those gentel kisses that you just melted into

He cupped your cheek with his hand and his other pulled you closer

It was one where when he pulled away you chased after it not wanting it to end

*cheifs kiss* twas perfection

6:Training

Ash really did his best to keep you out of that part of his life

He didn't want any one else he cared about dying on him because of it

He loved you to much

But it came to a point where he decided it was better to be safe then sorry

He taught you how to use the boom stick

And you quickly became pretty handy with it

That along with teaching yourself how to use a series of other tools

Like knifes and axes

He found it really attractive to watch you work like that

7: akward moment

The first really akward moment between you was probably the use of "i love you" too soon

To be fair though everyone thought they where about to die

So when ash blurted "I love you!"

And found that you where still intact

It was slightly uncomfortable in the room for everyone when you responded with

"You've never said that to me before."

And nothing else

Not that you didn't love him back

You where just unprepared for it to happen like that

After avoiding eachother him mainly trying to play it off as if he didn't say that

And acting as if Ash williams never told prople he loved them

Once you finally git fed up enough with it you had to basically yell it back to him

He was very relieved and happy to hear it

8: Fighting

Fights can go one of two ways usually

One being no one gets anywhere ever in the argument

Your both so stuborn

And ash being ash who hates to admit when he's wrong and never owns up to his own actions

Just makes you more angry

Making the argument get heated further

This type of fight usually ends in an angry make out session where your both apologizing like crazy

The other way is again ash being ash

But instead making you cry

This ends the argument pretty quickly because the only thing that can make him own up to any thing is you crying

You tend to use this strategy a lot in order to keep him quite

But sometimes it can really make you cry

He always apologizes right away and pulls you in for a tight hug where he kisses the top of your head

And wipes away your tears

You both actually hate fighting and hate that it ever (though rarely) gets to that point

9:crying

Like I've mentioned before

Ash cannot stand the sight of his baby in pain of any type

Crying is one of the worst things hes ever had to deal with in his life

And hes delt with a lot

His only goal in life is to make sure you are happy, healthy and safe

He's also kinda shit when it comes to dealing with emotions

He won't ask whats wrong right away

Just kinda stand there awkwardly attempting to make you laugh

When and if that doesn't work he'll finally sit down next to you and put a protective arm around you and ask whats wrong

If you don't wanna talk?

Thats ok hes there when you're ready to

Hes not leaving any time soon until your happy again

He'll hold you close to him

Pulling you into his lap to hold you properly

And just lets you cry

When you do tell him whats the matter

Bet your ass that its taken care of right away

Cause anything that makes his perfect partner cry? Dosen't even get the right to exsist anymore

10: sleeping

You better believe ash has nightmares

And feels bad for waking you because of them

But you're very well aware it can be hard for him to sleep

So you are more than happy to stay awake with him for as long as it takes

Even if that means until the sun rises

Or you fall asleep in his lap hes ok with that its the thought that counted

Nights like that are nights when he likes to cuddle you with his head on your chest

You'll kiss his head, smooth his hair

And even sometimes talk or hum to him to calm him down

That usually does the trick of getting him back to sleep for a little while

Sometimes he'll wake up gently and find you peacefully asleep beside him

And he'll kiss your cheek, cover you up and lay back down

Cause knowing your still safe is enough to help him sleep too!

11: bathing/ showering

I don't think ash would get or understand the want and need for a bath

But if you can convince him to take at least one with you

Boom

Thats all he'll ever wanna do

Man has never once in his life had time to sit and relax

But this is something else

To have you with him to

Either sitting across him

Or laying against him makes it Much more enjoyable

Baths are very rare very special occasion things though

Showering is a more often occurance and also a spontaneous thing

And its a plus cause its not Always a sex thing with him

It can be a nice and romantic thing as well

Especially on rough days when he wants to relax in the shower but also talk

Your there to keep him company

12: First time

Honestly the first time was well into your relationship with each other

And it happened in the Delta

It wasn't like rough, extremely passionate or even a serious matter

It was More fun and... vanilla with lots of laughter

It was sweet

The purest form of sex honestly is when you can laugh and or talk during it

And you two being the two people you are

Plus car sex being a horrible idea to begin with

Made it all the funnier but better

I don't think ash ever knew you could actually have like legitamie fun doing it

Just another thing you helped him realize

His heart like seriously skipped a beat hearing you laugh the way you had that night

Yet another reason he knew he loved you

13: soft spot/ weakness

Ash's soft spots include

Tummy

Hips

Neck

Jaw

And that lil spot behind the ear but just under it

Kiss him there and hes Tapped out

Ashes weaknesses are

His partner just in general

If you've been with him this long

He warships you

Definitely an ass/leg guy though

Wear something reveling enough tonshow case both ass and leg

K.o.

14:Pregnancy/ Birth

You wouldn't ever have to worry about ash not wanti g to be a dad or not

So you'd tell him almost right away

Ash is gonna get teary eyed

He'll make some jokes

But he will get watery eyes

And you know how happy new dads get when they find out they are gonna be a dad?

That whole "I'm gonna be a dad!? I'M GONNA BE A DAD!"

Yea 100% ash

Hes lifting you off the floor and spinning you around cheering

About how theres gonna be a lilttle Ash jr. Running around

Hes definitely the kinda guy who likes to talk to the mommy tummy all the time

Bump or not

Everything is suddenly about the baby

Hes always on the look out for baby things

Buys everything

Hes probably the dad who wants to mix the parents names together and name the baby that

Which is kinda gid awful and you tell him that

If its a girl you agree to name her Cheryl after his sister

Which lowkey makes him teary eyes again

You agree to let him pick the boy name though

He jokes about picking names like...idk hulk or something

But you picked a meaningful name he wants to do the same

You can trust him with that much

When the baby is born

He almost refuses to let it go

Hes got that new dad worry/ slash haze

"Where are they taking them?"

"Are they ok!?"

Loses his shit when the baby does grabby hands and holds his prosthetic finger

Hes so proud of his new kick ass family

15:Touching

When ash touches you its usually soft, slow and gentle

No matter what

That’s it

He lets his fingers gently run across your skin

Mainly because 👏he 👏worships👏you👏

And you deserve to be treated like the holy entity he sees you as

He hold your hand firmly though as not to lose you

16 : Undressing:

Its either slowly piece by piece

Taking his time to do so

Or extremely fast

17 what “turns them on” :

ash is horny by nature

do anything around him when hes in the right mood easy enough

but other than that ash likes being in control of situations

makes him feel powerful

so give that man even the slightest bit of power and hes ready

he also finds it supper attractive when you are in charge and calling all the shots

18 domestic life

once everything with deadits is finally over and is at peace

the first thing ash does is marry you

then moves you to Jacksonville Florida likes hes always wanted

then thats where you would have your baby

the both of you get good jobs

send your kid(s) to good schools

all of yours childrens friends love being around ash and hearing him tell stories

19 farewell/ how they say goodbye

he always gives you a good solid kiss

before softly telling you to have a good day and to not miss him to much

hes always extra careful to throw in one last quick peck on the lips or cheek before you leave

#ash williams x reader #ashley williams x reader #evil dead x reader #horror x reader #horror imagine #slasher x reader #slasher imagine

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snowflake-of-destruction · 4 years ago

Note

vanikai!!

1. How do much do I ship it?: Never heard of it/ Notp / Dislike / used to ship / maybe / ship it / aww / otp / IS IT CANON YET

Fun fact: I started out as maybe and moved to the ship category while writing

2. What non sexual activities do they like to do together?

Grass is Greener Verse:

Theater, as shocking as it is that they can fixate on something where the eyes aren't on either of them. Well, there is the pre-show ritual of Kairi talking about how well she would have done as a stage actress. Vanitas more often takes a supportive rather than sarcastic response to this, and tells her she should go to some open auditions. It's far from too late. She's young, hot, and talented (He presumes the last one, but he'd never bet the opposite...and after he sees the one movie she did and some of the commercials...he'll just keep his mouth shut on talented). Sometimes, she'll beam, call him right, and make plans she doesn't follow through on. Sometimes she's noncommittal. Sometimes she'll glare at him, deciding he's just trying to end conversation or mock that she is all talk. Post-show there's also talk--this time from both of them--about how they could have done better in certain roles, which is a couples bonding activity all on its own. HOWEVER, these types of fantasies are not why they love plays. They think is an engrossing form of storytelling, that make worlds come to life and put you in them more than movies or tv. Also, they are simply dramatic nerds at heart.

They also play tennis. Primarily doubles, though you would be foolish to play against them, but they enjoy competing with each other too.

Rock climbing, but at an indoor rock gym. Anyone who asks them if they are training for something/ever planning a trip receives incredibly incredulous looks and scoffing. Not because of the potential danger, because of the very idea of them out in the wilderness...though sometimes Kairi will counter this by mentioning that one summer she worked for her father's, now Axel's, landscaping business. That was getting dirty in nature. Vanitas's response to this is not for this headcanon space

A more canon-verse approach (what do you mean Vanitas not joining the guardians of light post-kh3 is not canon?): There is a lot of sparring. Vanitas helps Kairi advance her keyblade training and just plain get out some of the anger in the grief of losing Sora. Van doesn't go easy and Kairi likes that. Kairi helps Vanitas with any gaps in education without talking down, pitying or even mentioning his strange upbringing, or, the worst, comparing him to Roxas or Xion (because he has identity issues too). I'm not even talking traditional education, though that too if he wants, but education on social situations...which he's not a complete idiot about. He's actually really good at reading people. He just needs a little guidance on what way to use the info, because he only has like five moves and not every situation calls for "taunt" or "threaten loved one". Kairi makes him a much better manipulator. Thanks Kairi. There's also a lot of snuggling, because I say so, that's why. I just see them both as a bit yearning for physical reassurance in their lonely spells, and also the least likely to say it for their own different reasons, so they read it in each other and just give each other what they need but won't ask for.

Read More before this gets too long

3. Who does chores around the house?

Grass is Greener: Neither, as much as it can be helped. It's a stand off about most of the regular chores, and periodically they have a cleaning service come through that is more thorough than either of them are. More often than not, Kairi is the one that "breaks" over keeping the kitchen clean, and Vanitas about cleaning bathrooms and straightening living areas. Vanitas is very neat as a habit, and Kairi likes her surroundings to show a little bit of how she likes chaos--she just is grossed out by dirty dishes, grease stains, and food crumbs. Cooking is a bit of a fifty-fifty with both preferring quickly assembled meals. Laundry is taken down to nothing-to-wear levels, and then it's whoever needs something first. Though sometimes this all goes out the windows, and Kairi goes through "Look, I'm a fifties housewife" sprints where suddenly everything's spotless and she's cooked a three course dinner and did it all in a cocktail dress because she didn't realize you're supposed to change into the dress after.

Kinda-canon: Vanitas. He has a lot of pent up emotions and sometimes you have got to stress clean or cook. Kairi would help, but the arrangement of Vanitas doing the lion's share and it seeming to help him definitely works for the self-described lazy bum.

4. Who’s the better cook?

Grass is Greener: Vanitas. Kairi is a bit careless following recipes and doesn't have the innate "cooking sense" in regard to estimating amounts, flavors, heat, or time to freestyle. Vanitas, when he does cook, tends to get really serious about it even though he prefers the simple to assemble, like I said in the last answer.

Kinda Canon: Kairi. Vanitas is slow to adjust from the “food is only fuel not pleasure” mindset and Kairi starts out with a base of her adoptive parents having taught her some things. Vanitas has a sharp learning curve though, bullying Little Chef into helping him (because he's not going to lose) and not realizing that the bullying is what makes Little Chef more reluctant and ensures Remy doesn't teach him all the secrets he does to others. Anyone can cook, but if you're mean you are taught to cook less well. Once Kairi gets Little Chef tutelage, it's all over.

5. Who’s the funniest drunk?

Grass is Greener: Both and neither in a way. They both have a very high tolerance. They tend to act out more on purpose out of the excuse than act out because of a truly altered state. Alcohol isn't magic. It just lowers inhibitions and neither has those to begin with. If I had to choose though, Kairi is a funnier drunk, because Vanitas's mean streak becomes more developed the drunker he is, whereas Kairi's mean streak, when she chooses to have one, is more practiced and purposeful cultivation instead of a natural harshness.

Kinda Canon: Vanitas. He is not prepared, and once he loses his filter everything spills out, and it's a lot less ugly than some people expected. Kairi just gets giggly and slightly louder, but otherwise doesn't change.

6. Do they have kids?

Grass is Greener: :) :D Listen. Listen. If Shaky was the one who carelessly put "I don't think it fits me the way it used to" on the Vanikai picture she drew. SUPPOSEDLY this was done for cleavage and for the "help you take it off" joke but I know a dangled plotline when I see it.

Kinda Canon: That partially depends on the state of the worlds and how many other keybearers there are when they are older. Even in a stable universe, I don't see them having kids young and it being a long discussion of whether they want kids at all, not the least because of the implications of Vanitas's powers and whether they are only his or would be passed down--what could happen to an infant that could summon Unversed and not know how to retract them even if they were loyal especially if it would be hurt by them being vanquished. I see them adopting orphans from other worlds and saying fuck world order more than having kids naturally.

7. Do they have any traditions?

Grass is Greener: Annual trip to Vegas to recreate the way they met under new created identities.

Kinda Canon: Vanitas calls every tradition he's introduced to stupid without fail. Vanitas also gets VERY into every holiday, and Kairi is all too happy to indulge. Then, he starts nudging her about teaching him more dumb holidays. Their tradition becomes ALL THE TRADITIONS. They celebrate holidays from every world and from every religion if there's a way to do it respectfully--and if it's not appropriate to participate, then they just learn about it as much as they are permitted--and then they look up and celebrate obscure or "made up" things like Leave a Zucchini on a Neighbor's Porch Day.

8. What do they fight about?

Grass is Greener: What you would expect.

Housework.

Why do you take criticism like a personal attack?

What do you do all day? versus Why are you never home?

Were you flirting with the waiter?

Did you even want the baby? Was it a relief when I lost it?

Kind of Canon: Imagine Kairi saying in the same tone as Belle in Disney's Beauty and the Beast "Well you should learn to control your temper!"

No, really, it's mainly about Vanitas being "mean" to people...and then sometimes it's about Kairi doing the same and then blaming him as a bad influence.

9. What would they do if they found their paring tag on tumblr? (If they have one)

Grass is Greener: The flippant answer is that they are really confused about this whole Disney crossover with weird swords thing, and why they are teenagers in so many of these pictures. Don't even get them started on the skirt over the muscle suit paired with the motorcycle helmet Vanitas sees himself put in. When he wears a skirt he has a lot better style, especially if Kairi helps put together the outfit.

But let's take this in a different way. That one bad movie Kairi did is actually gaining a small cult following now years after its release. Someone does a "What Happened to Kairi Emberson? The Answer Will Shock You!" clickbait. The answer...is not shocking but enough people see a photo of Kairi, fine as ever, now Kairi White and looking so happy with Vanitas, and the pair get an objectively creepy because the next few pictures are pulled from social media they don't lock, but well intentioned few people finding and posting more cute pictures of the, and they become a sparse tag and one that is half joking, but a RPS all the same. Kairi pretends to hate this, but is not so secretly really flattered. Vanitas genuinely hates it.

Kinda-canon: Kairi loves it. Vanitas is fascinated despite himself. Everyone else is disappointed because they expected flustered denials or anger at those that portray them wrong, but Van and Kairi both just think it's cool.

10. Who cried at the end of Marley and me?

Grass is Greener: Neither. They roasted it for filth. They cried about it much later. Vanitas in the shower, and Kairi the next day when she was over at Xion's, saw her dog Elmo, and it all busted loose.

Kinda Canon: Vanitas. Cue a discussion about how movies work, how they are not real, and Vanitas snapping that he knows that until there are now multiple types of Unversed to take care of. Kairi gently cuddles both her man and the Unversed until equilibrium returns.

11. Who always wins at Mario kart?

Kairi in all universes. Vanitas doesn't care in GiG, but in canon there is a shout of "Rematch and this time it counts!" despite it being the 100th rematch

12. One thing I like about this ship?

That they have potential to understand each other more than people who technically know them better, or at least the concept of being seen a certain way and having a different "certain way" that everyone thinks it would be better if they grew toward instead of just being allowed to be. Princess of Heart and Agent of Darkness aren't really so different after all.

13. One thing I don’t like about the ship?

When it's clear that it's a fill in for people who want Soriku but can't think of anyone but Sora for Kairi, and so pick "other Sora." There's not anything wrong with that outright, and this isn't me annoyed with pair the spares (though that can rub wrong if it is handled wrong or I'm in a mood to make a point about how not everyone needs a romantic relationship), but annoyed with the reduction of Vanitas to "edgy Sora"

14. The song I would say fits them?

Grass is Greener:

Sibella, and I'll quote a verse and a half because clearly this isn't already long enough.

"You are vain and you are heartless and yet

I can feel in you a shade of sadness

That's barely detectable

That I still want you at all

I may live to regret

You're deceitful

You're delectable

You see the fate of a man

Who has had the misfortune

To spend his life caught in your sway

I see Sibella

My Sibella

And I like her that way"

It works both ways. Change whatever pronouns you want.

Kind of Canon: I...don't know. I can't think off the top of my head.

15. Another headcanon about the paring? (Free space)

Grass is Greener: Even though they think they met in Vegas, they had crossed paths before and probably more than once. I don't have specific headcanons (yet), but this may be something if I ever write the other 20 bazillion Grass is Greener scenes for various characters and relationships that I want to do first.

Kind of Canon: Kairi makes her own version of the suit and borrows Vanitas's helmet sometimes to do things she would never "get away with" as herself. Vanitas blesses this, helps her with the suit, and hands over the helmet after kissing the visor for luck. He also exposes her as a fake Vanitas by showing up at the worst time on purpose.

#vanikai #grass is greener verse #vanitas #kairi #spiiderbiites

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melyaliz · 4 years ago

Text

The Yellow Umbrella pt.5

Masterlist

Fandom: Marvel

Summary: Eating cookies and whip cream -NOT- off each other

Pairing: Demon Lord! Loki x Reader

Notes: I’ve been struggling with this story. Like I have the outline and everything but�� I feel just a little lost with where I am going. So I may take a small break. Idk. I think it’s more I want it to be funnier but I don’t think it is. Then again I’m reading it over several times.

Or it’s just me

All Masterlists @melyalizarchive

Connect with me! AO3 / Instagram / Pinterest

DONATE or REQUEST

------------------------------------

Loki sat up looking around the bedroom, curled up in a soft blanket and cuddled up with a stuffed pig. His new friend. His pig was getting more action with him than his secretaries at the moment. He had been here more in the past few days than his own bedroom really.

Maybe he was acquiring a taste for cotton over silk.

Getting up he noticed the fluffy pink robe laying on the floor. Picking it up he gracefully wrapped it over his body. Sadly there were no slippers. It did, much to his delight, have a hood with bunny ears.

“Well don’t you look adorable” the lady of cotton said looking up as Loki walked into the living room. She was scrolling on her phone as the tv played. A plate of cookies and can of whipped cream on the table in front of her. Loki just nodded, pulling the hood over making the bunny ears flop in front of his face.

“I felt like I needed some sugar this morning,” she said, noticing him looking at her place of sugar. “If you want some you will have to risk Mr Mewoly”

“For those cookies, I will take the risk.” Loki’s pink ears bounced as he made his way to the kitchen. A pot of coffee sat on the counter as well. Opening the cabinet where he remembered seeing Yue pull out a mug he was greeted by a line of cream cups all etched with dark lettering “Coffee, Hot chocolate, Tea” as well as some bowls that said soup pasta, and cereal.

Pulling out an appropriate Coffee mug and helping himself to come coffee before risking his life grabbing a few cookies from the demonic cat’s body. Was it just him or did it’s eyes look even eviler than he remembered? Maybe he should get one of those, to guard his office when he isn't around.

“I like your informinate dishware” Loki said, flopping onto the couch next to Yue who smiled at him.

“It’s so I don’t forget.” she said as Loki grabbed her feet draping them over his lap before,“By the way, these cookies are amazing. Totally worth the risk.”

Loki nodded as he added a healthy amount of whip cream to his cookie before taking a bite, “Jeff, my assistant, got them for me.”

“Oh fancy you have an assistant.”

“That I do.” Loki said, taking another bite of his cookie. His free hand gently stroked her ankle as he studied the TV. The two twins were battling some crazy puppets or something. He wasn’t totally paying attention, still waking up.

“So your assistant’s name is Jeff huh. Do you also have a name?” Yue asked. Loki paused licking sweet cream from his lips as she flashed him a cheeky grin, “See what I did there, smooth.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle, She was as cute as her choice of robes and dishware, “Very” taking the last bite of his cookie he savored the taste for a moment before speaking again, “Loki… and you?”

“Loki?” she let out a light laugh “what are you some norweedic god or something? Did you parents hate you? Like Thor I could see but… Loki? Wasn’t he like… the bad guy”

“Not bad necessarily… more like... smarter than everyone else.”

“Still, Loki? Why not just say Hades, at least that bitch was loyal.”

“Laugh it up, what’s your name?”

“Yue”

He tried, but really he didn’t have much to say to that, “it fits you.” he said nodding. It did. It fit her like everything else in this apartment. It was just so… her.

“So…” she said settling back into her couch of comfort, “Please don’t take this the wrong way but, I like this…. thing we have going.”

“Speaking of loyalty.” Loki said, raising an eyebrow, “I don’t really do relationships… I mean this has been fun, don’t get me wrong but, I’m not about to feed you some pomegranate seeds or whatever.”

“No, that’s what I mean. I like THIS” she motioned between the two of them, “No strings attached. Feeling like we don’t own anything to the other person.”

“Well in that case I’m all for this thing we have.”

“So you’ll keep stopping by?”

“I’m only a text away.”

Nodding Yue pulled out her phone handing it to him, “I’m here for texting. I like to do things with my friends.”

“Never want to get in the middle of that.” Loki said taking the phone entering his number, “I can always meet after if you're down.”

“Deal”

Her hand was still out so Loki took it and shook. Making it officially official. His slender fingers wrapping around her own.

It felt like the beginning of something. But the fact was it kind of was.

The beginning of nothing.

-----

“So you guys basically shook on being hook up buddies?” Sammie asked as she took a cookie from the plate that was on the table.

“I think it’s cute” Riley said, “did you get him some snacks or are we special?”

“Well he actually got us those cookies,” Yue nodded down the now demolished plate of cookies. She had brought over to Sammie’s apartment for movie time, she would say night but it was more early evening. They were watching clueless with a bowl of carrots. And cookies because Yue refused to spend the whole night eating only healthy food even if it was for the memes.

“He’s hot AND he gets your amazing sweets!?!” Riley moaned, “Are we sure this guy isn’t fake?”

“Like what?” Sammie shickred, “Is he a cardboard cutout?”

“Yes, he’s just got a cutout of Brendon Urie and I have been carrying him around pretending it’s my side piece.”

“I like how this cardboard cutout isn’t even your boyfriend. He’s a side piece which means you can sleep with other cardboard cutouts.” Sammie picked at the hole in her sock that had been slowly growing since the movie started.

“I have Paul Rudd bringing me cake for lunch and Frank Sinatra delivering pizza for dinner.”

“Living the dream” Riley chuckled, “Oh I have an idea! After this movie let’s find you something to help him eat your cookie” holding up the image of a local sex shop on her google maps. “They close late like a good sex shop too.”

“Really Riley?” Sammie said looking up at the shop skeptically. “We have like 6 other movies planned.”

“We could always watch them after. Go on a quick adventure.”

“Adventure!” Yue giggled, “Come on Sammie maybe we can find you something tasteful for your presentation on Monday.”

“Yes I’m sure the Magic Cherry will have JUST what I need to help me pitch my website design on Monday.”

“Something Leather maybe? I’m sure the party planning company will be super into it.”

“Yue’s right, after all they ARE all about partying.”

Sammie fought back a smile as she tossed Yue a hoodie. “Let’s just get there before they close. I don’t want to be those jerks who are there when the workers want to leave.”

Yue nodded following her friends out bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. Feeling giddy with excitement. “This is the craziest thing I have ever done.”

------------------------

“It was the craziest thing I have ever done”

“That’s where you have been? Doing the craziest thing ever?” Jeff asked as he came up behind Loki holding his black umbrella. Loki surveyed the dark road as they both slowly walked under the large red bridge.

“Yep we watched this show called Gravity Falls.”

“What?”

“It’s a popular children’s cartoon.”

“A children’s show?”

“We ate cookies with whip cream.”

“Off each other?”

“Out of bowls,” Loki pulled out a pair of white rubber gloves from his pocket, putting them on.

“Oh, did you… was she young?”

“For human standards no, you know I don’t mess with anyone who is not within reason.”

“Cookies for breakfast is the craziest thing you have ever done? Really?” Jeff sighed, closing the umbrella shaking it. Most of the rain had slowed at this point and from where they were standing it wasn’t really doing much good anyway.

Loki chuckled slowly crouching down. Holding out his hand he waited for Jeff to hand him his cane. Which he did. “I wore a fluffy pink robe with bunny ears.”

“I guess it’s important to have new experiences.” his assistant sniffed looking around tugging his coat closer to himself.

Loki nodded using the sharp end of his cane to poke at something.

A dead body. Half its face already decaying in the muddy ground, eyes missing. Around it several others. All their eyes missing bits of their body decaying.

“You sent these vampires out only two days ago.” Jeff, “You think it’s the faceless?”

“No” Loki sighed standing up, “This is something else. Something worse.”

“What should I tell the others?”

“Stay in packs and if anyone knows anything to come to me right away.” Loki turned surveying the site that lay before them. He had sent for the vampires from Seattle to go down to LA to check on Brandon after the LA demon hadn’t shown up for their meeting. While not unusual it hadn’t sat right with Loki.

Now with almost ten vampires laying here dead and the rest missing he was starting to worry. If someone had overthrown Brandon they would normally approach Loki. New terf lords would want to make a truce with the most powerful Demon Lord on this continent.

No news, in this case, meant nothing good.

-------------

“They have butt plugs that have tails,” Riley said holding a pretty pink and glitter one, “And a unicorn horn, I could fulfill all my little kid dreams and become a unicorn.”

“Please don't refer to yourself as a little girl in here” Sammie frowned, “It’s weird.”

“Ok, sorry sorry.” Riley said looking over the other items on the wall. “I have been wanting to try these,” she said, pulling a pair of nipple clamps. Sammie, already feeling VERY out of place just looked down at her phone nodding.

“Get whatever you want, I just don’t want to picture you and Sam… doing stuff.”

“Ok fine,” Riley said, grabbing ones she thought she would like before walking over to Yue who was looking over a rack of panties.

“Find anything fun?”

“Yeah a few things, What do you think?” she asked, holding up a lacy lingerie. A pretty green color.

“Love the color” Riley nodded before grabbing a pair of fluffy black cuffs, “Get these too,”

“Ok but I want the pink ones,” Yue giggled thinking about the morning where Loki had dressed up in her bunny robe. He looked good in it. Under all that eyeliner and studds he was just a big dork. She found it hilarious and would do everything to keep messing with that side for her own amusement.

“So are you guys meeting up tonight?” Sammie asked, coming up nodding toward the set Yue was holding approving.

“No he hasn’t texted me.”

“So what about late dinner? Gary was saying we should go out to this speakeasy place.”

“Oh let me text Sam,” Riley said, “He’s been wanting to go there. Yue you can just find your Paul Rudd while we are out.”

“Or just enjoy the company I’m with.” Yue snickered, “I don’t have to spend every night hooking up.”

“What’s the fun in that?” The cashier chuckled as she took Yue’s things.

“A girl needs at least one night to herself.”

“Well you got the wrong stuff for a night by yourself.” the cashier said as she wrapped everything up, “But I do have some dildos on sale if you want some you time.”

--------------------------

Sam had responded almost immediately that he would pick the girls up. Something about a long week and just wanting to be with his lady. So rushing back to their apartment the girls quickly changed out of their jeans and hoodies into more slutty hipster attire. (A girl’s gotta dress the occasion after all)

Once she was more speakeasy and less “I am cuddling with my two best friends watching movies” Yue grabbed her bag and walked outside her apartment. After locking her door she turned almost running into a tall dark haired man. Dressed in a red leather jacket he was smoking a cigarette. Yue’s eyes instantly went up to the man’s bold white streak that ran across the front of his black hair. Blue eyes looking down at her amused.

“Oh, excuse me.”

The large man shrugged holding out his cigarette pack “Want one?”

Yue shook her head, thrusting her keys back into her purse, “I’m good thanks.”

He nodded putting the pack away, “You’re all dressed up, going somewhere fun?”

“Yeah just dinner with friends.”

“Nice, I’m visiting a friend, know any good places to go?”

“Uh well we are going to Idain Basian but if you want something more happening, maybe like Valencia street?”

“Oh sounds good, I’m not big on waterfronts.”

“Well I hate to break it to you but San Francisco is basically an island.”

This earned her another chuckle. “True, well have a good night and be careful there’s a full moon out tonight, never know what crazy you'll run into.”

Yue nodded walking toward the gate of the complex where her friends were waiting, turning back she got one last look at the man, for a moment she could have sworn it looked like his eyes glowed.

Maybe she was watching too many cartoons.

Or maybe he was just a bunch of gnomes in a trench coat.

No, she was definitely watching too many cartoons.

-GET TAGGED!-

Masterlist

Forever tag: @the-shadow-of-atlantis @coffee-randomness @0hmydeku @xx3fsxx @daisyboobear @jason-redhood @hello-i-lovespiderman-blr @pinkwitch21 @tomhncharliep @cdwmtjb8

Story: @irwin-hood @hit-th3r0ck @cruel-kitten @boofrarti @i-miukimiuki @mmimagine-40 @mynameofuser @pia-1000 @angelgl16 @the-fifth-marauder03 @plutos-deamonchild @frenchfrostpudding @carydorse @neverleturheartshow2 @sebhiddleston @probsjosh @dracaryspowpow @andrea20967 @saiyanprincessswanie @olive-tini @albinotigerpython @wonderlandfandomkingdom @alessia--winchester

#Loki x you #Loki x OC #Yellow umbrella #Loki x reader #Loki smut #loki long fic #loki fanfic #loki AU #marvel au #demon loki #demon lord loki #mafia loki #mafia au #demon au #demon angel au #supernatural au

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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years ago

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December 29: The Wrath of Khan

Today’s movie watching was Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

My overall impression versus TMP is that this is clearly a smoother and more consistently entertaining film. It has a definite story with very little filler, good pacing, a lot of great little dialogue and character moments, and a strong conflict at its center.

But its sci fi bona fides are much weaker. Like by a lot.

Mom and I are talking a bit about Genesis and the more we talk, the weaker it appears to me. First, it’s not really as believable, imo, as a lot of Star Trek. Maybe it’s because it’s not alien based, but I just have a harder time suspending disbelief to think this is possible. Second, it’s not clear why anyone thought this was a good idea. I mean, as McCoy immediately pointed out, it just seems so CLEARLY dangerous: an object meant to foster creation that could so easily be the worst weapon the universe has ever known--nothing could go awry there! Third, the reason for creating such a device isn’t obvious at all. Carol mentions the “growing population” and “food scarcity” but nothing we’ve ever seen of the Federation implies they’re running out of space. Or, frankly (Tarsus IV aside), food. And fourth, there really isn’t any point to Genesis in all its particulars in this film. Like, obviously, its actual purpose is a plot device to resurrect Spock. Within just this film, it doesn’t do anything. Khan wants it, for some reason I’ve already forgotten even though I just saw the film, and he gets it, but I didn’t even notice that happening, because it was so unimportant. His REAL mission is his single minded revenge fantasy on Kirk. Genesis is just a McGuffin/space filler/plot device for the next film.

And honestly that’s not such a big deal, except that when you compare it to TMP, ,and its central idea of a human made probe that gained so much knowledge, doing what we taught it to do, that it became sentient and then started searching for the meaning of life, and how this relates to the search for meaning experienced by the main alien lead, and how his search, in that film and throughout the series, is a mirror for humans and OUR need for purpose... well it just seems really weak. “We made this really dangerous and unrealistic thing for no reason whoops!”

Mom is now criticizing Kirk for being too slow on the uptake when he first encounters the Reliant, which is fair. That’s pretty OOC of him. The idea that he’s too old for space is both one that I must personally disregard, and one that the film would have you discard, since we’ve already heard from TWO characters, the people who know him best, that his best destiny is as a starship captain, and command is his proper role. And that he might be a little rusty is also not a great explanation imo, because the rust was supposed to have come off in TMP. So, plot hole probably.

We were trying to do some math--TMP is at least 2 years post 5YM and TWOK is at least 10 years post TMP, so at least 8 years post TMP. I can understand more rust growing but like... he was already an Admiral in TMP and the idea that he was out of practice with actual command was a big part of his arc there. So it doesn’t seem warranted to do that again.

Also, the way he was commanding poorly in TMP was very IC: he was pushing too hard, trying too much, caring too much about the mission and not enough about...the laws of physics. That’s very Kirk. Being slow on the uptake, caught with his britches down--that’s not Kirk. Plus, with no one to call him out on it, like Decker did in TMP, his poor command doesn’t seem like a big character obstacle to overcome but just like...sloppiness all around.

I thought Khan was over all... just not that interesting. I guess I’m just not into the obsession/revenge plot. Also...idk man he didn’t seem that super to me. He outsmarted Kirk, like, once, and Kirk outsmarted him like 4 times. He tortured some people--but regular humans can do that. He used those sandworm thingies, which is also something humans could do. Overall, he didn’t seem to have any particularly special skills. The only time he really seemed like a worthy adversary for Kirk was when Kirk wasn’t really being IC himself.

I’m also not into the fridging of his wife. Think how much cooler it would have been if she’d still been alive! The only non-super human in the bunch and she’s still there! Ex-Starfleet and bitter!

The K/S in this film is very soothing. Imo they are clearly together here, and the whole film is better if you assume they’re boyfriends and everyone knows. That Vulcan convo that Spock and Saavik have? Waaaaay funnier if you think she’s talking about his boyfriend (”not what I expected....very human” “Well no one’s perfect”). Every time they call each other ‘friend’ like ““friend”“? All the Looks? The birthday gift?

Also the “I have been and always shall be your [friend]” scene is a wedding I will not be taking criticism on this opinion. Could it have been written more like a vow? I think not. It’s not quite This Simple Feeling but it’s the best this film has in that regard.

I liked Saavik and I do think she’s one of the better later-movie additions (though I only like her, as far as I can remember, when played by Kirstie Alley). She didn’t necessarily strike me as super alien, though, at least not at first... But I appreciated how persistent she was about the stupid test, and her regulation quoting. I enjoyed her. I also liked how she was obviously Spock’s protege, which makes her Kirk’s step-protege, and they had just a little bit of that awkward dynamic going on. (”Did you change your hair?”)

The Bones and Kirk relationship was great in this film. You can really feel their friendship and their history with each other. Bones knows him so well and can be honest with him, just when Kirk needs it most.

I also love how Kirk has the SAME conversation with both Bones and Spock (re: being a captain again) but with Spock it’s sooooo much flirtier. In case you weren’t sure what the difference in these two relationships is.

Bonus: this bit of dialogue: Spock: “Be careful, Jim.” / Bones: “WE will.” Lol Spock people who aren’t your boyfriend do exist.

Obviously, I cried during THAT scene. Honestly AOS should have taken note about how to do emotional scenes like that: they come after the main action is over and the villain is defeated. Then they hit at the right time and to the right degree. Kirk just slumping down after Spock dies....like he’s boneless...like he doesn’t know what to do... I CANNOT.

I feel so bad for him that I’ll even forgive him that awful eulogy. Spock died for Genesis? Uh, no, he died for the Enterprise, and for YOU. Spock is the “most human”? You shut your whoreson mouth

I remember hating both Carol and David but I actually hated them less this time, Carol especially. My mom is being really harsh about her, though, which makes me feel less confident in my assessment. I mean first off, she’s the inventor of Genesis, which is a pretty big strike against her. Second...pretty lame to keep Kirk from David. Although I did some vague math and Kirk would only have been about 21, still in the Academy, when David was born, so you can see how that would work out. Also, she distinctly says “Were we together?” which means they were not--this was a fuck buddy arrangement for sure. More complicated. But it still feels weird to retcon that, like, he’s known THIS WHOLE TIME that he’s a dad and we’re only learning about it now, as an audience.

Anyway I’m getting off track. Carol. What to make of her? Is she unstable? Is she still mad at Kirk? My mom points out that she just decided on her own that David would want to join Starfleet if he knew Kirk was his father--whereas what seems to have happened instead is he didn’t just become a civilian scientist like his mom but became her specific protege--working on a project where everyone was probably handpicked by her? I would assume? Also..he hates Starfleet. Not to put everything on the mom, but how did that happen?

Also...going down the rabbit hole of this and feeling awkward about it... but David KNEW Kirk. As “that guy you hung around with.” That means Kirk was in his life for quite a while, long enough for him to have memories, and long enough for those memories to still be with him even into his 20s. But he was never allowed to know who Kirk was. That means Carol’s rule must have been “You can see your son but you can’t tell him who you are” which in some way seems meaner to me than just “please don’t contact us again.” If he was already on his way into space, that could even make sense--”I know you’re not going to be able to be a family with us, so let’s not pretend, let’s make a clean break now.” But that wasn’t what happened!

Anyway whatever not to be HAICG!Kirk about this or anything lol

David is mostly annoying because he’s so anti-Kirk lol. I found him least annoying when he came around to Kirk at the end. Another big strike against him: he wore his sweater tied over his shoulders in such a Preppy manner. I honestly don’t see what about him is supposed to be reminiscent of Kirk.

David/Saavik was definitely happening lol. I wish I could have heard that conversation. It sounds like she told him a lot!!! Not sure why she attached herself to this particular annoying human so fast but I guess she did.

....I think that might be all. The uniforms and general styling were much better than TMP (though less funny/entertaining), and it was certainly an enjoyable overall yarn. A lot to pick apart and critique but in a fun way. Will probably watch The Search for Spock soon.

#the year 2020 #2020: star trek #2020: fandom thoughts #star trek tos

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tessatechaitea · 4 years ago

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Justice League International #8 (1987)

Is it weird that I have a newsstand copy of a comic book when I definitely was shopping at my local comic shop in 1987?

This cover has so many jokes to talk about that I probably won't have time to review the entire issue. My stomach is already sore for laughing so hard! Look at how the box marked "fragile" is about to fall onto the floor thanks to the carelessness of Blue Beetle and Booster Gold! Ha ha! And they're carrying the large box upside down! According to the label on the upside down box, it's going to Paris, France so it must contain Crimson Fox who is almost certainly swearing in French because have you ever tried to masturbate while upside down in a box being jiggled by two men?! The incompetence of those guys is hilarious! But the best joke is the one where the only woman on the team doesn't lift a finger to help and also can't make up her mind about the placement of a gigantic box that hasn't been opened yet! See how funny that is? Because who cares where the box is placed?! It's not like they're moving a desk or an end table and Black Canary is coming up with a floor plan! It's just a box that will need to be opened and then broken down and then thrown out! The other funny part is that yellow spray around Beetle's head and the shape of his mouth because I think it suggests he's about to call Black Canary a bitch! Ha ha! I probably left out the joke about the hernia although that one might just be implied. Also, it'll probably be a blatant joke later in the story. The issue begins with Jack Ryder on his right-wing radio call-in television "news" program fiasco of a show Hot Seat trying to get the masses to shit blood over the Justice League. It'll work because the masses in comic books (as well as the masses not in comic books because we've all seen how people who listen to and watch right-wing radio call-in television "news" programs easily believe the alternate reality fed to them because it speaks to their inherent biases and selfishness) are idiots. (That might be my favorite interruption by parenthetical reference I've ever written.) I also know that it will work because Glorious Godfrey only recently did the same thing a year or two ago and it worked. But comic books don't recognize time and space in the same way that we more logical and real readers do so the masses won't remember that they were fooled just a year ago by idiotic television pundits who don't mind seeing the world burn as long as they can cash a fat check over it. I doubly also know it will work because Millennium is coming up and I think that might be proof that maybe Jack Ryder was sort of right because aliens have infiltrated Earth and are pretending to be heroes and possibly even right-wing radio call-in television "news" hosts. I don't really remember much about Millennium except that it was weekly and there were Manhunters in it.

My favorite comic book characters when I was a kid were Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. I bet Jack Ryder was Sean Hannity's favorite. Tucker Carlson's favorite was probably Hitler.

This issue begins the long running joke that Martian Manhunter is addicted to Oreos. I fucking get it, man. Have you ever tried to melt an Oreo into a spoon, fill a needle with the liquid contents, and inject it straight into your bloodstream? Me neither because that's stupid, you dumb idiot. Why would you even suggest it? You need to inject them straight into your taste buds. J'onn, Mister Miracle, and Captain Atom are setting up the New York Embassy which leads to lots of jokes about shoddy construction and terrible wiring and lazy movers. At one point Captain Atom electrocutes himself and then destroys all of the wiring because he's the guy the United States wanted to represent them on the new international team. I'd say his penchant to escalate a situation straight to violence proves the United States made the right decision. Batman and Guy Gardner oversee the outfitting of the Russian Embassy with a little help from Rocket Manhunter #7.

Even Rocket Red has heard about Guy's serious brain trauma and yet nobody has even discussed getting him a medical check-up. What a bunch of bastards!

This is also the issue that begins the "Bwa-ha-ha-ha" gag (I think. Did it happen in an issue previously? Maybe?! Anyway, it really gets going here). That's the gag where somebody laughs when something terrible happens to somebody else. It's a great team building exercise, to laugh at a co-worker's pain! Or if it isn't, it, at the very least, helps develop personal morale. Nothing better than laughing at your manager after her credit card was stolen by a prospective new employee while the entire company was in a meeting, especially after learning that said card was pretty much just used at The Honey Baked Ham. Does that make if funnier? Or is this one of those dark humor things like when the same manager was super pissed at an employee I was training for not showing up for work the day before Thanksgiving only to learn later that she had died of carbon monoxide poisoning the previous night which caused her to erupt into crying jags for the rest of the day which I'm positive weren't for my poor co-worker but for her guilty feelings of being so angry at her. That's dark humor, right? The "Bwa-ha-ha-ha" gag begins when Booster tries to hit on a Parisian woman and gets shot down. Later, she winds up being the League's Paris Bureau Chief. And also maybe Crimson Fox?

This scene is well done in a book that often tries too hard for stupidly silly humor.

I'd say that these three pages (the scanned page being the third of the three) of interaction between Blue Beetle and Booster Gold is ground zero for what would become a great best friend relationship. Any interaction before this was just of the generic Blue Beetle making a stupid class clown comment to the group. But this foundational scene in Paris already feels like these two at their closest which, admittedly, is mostly Blue Beetle laughing at something dumb Booster Gold did. But I like to view this entire relationship through the lens of a Booster Gold mostly driven mad and insane from having to live through so many alternate timelines. Sure, the reader doesn't know about that aspect of Booster Gold yet (and won't for more than a decade). But I can't help but understand Booster Gold through that lens now. And his need for some kind of consistency and whimsy and, almost certainly, a need to be able to laugh at himself must be expressed through this relationship as a kind of therapy. In a universe where not even the timeline lacks consistency, Booster Gold finds solace in getting his balls busted by Blue Beetle.

Maybe I'm a dick who doesn't understand true friendship but this is totally what it looks like, right?

The issue ends with a Keith Giffen drawn story about the end of the Global Guardians, or at least the end of their United Nations backing. I'm sure it's a set-up for a future story but even if it were just a couple page story acknowledging the Global Guardians and how they're affected by a new United Nations backed team, it would remain an interesting moment. I don't need iron clad continuity in my comic book universe but I am entertained when writers acknowledge the waves their stories are making in that continuity. Plus it's drawn by Giffen which always makes it seem like I'm reading a story from the perspective of a madman. Justice League International #8 Rating: B+. How come when I publish a manifesto, people refer to it as a 'zine?! How do you get the fucking power to have your photo-copied screed with "art" considered a manifesto?! How many people do I have to rant at to get some Goddamned recognition?! "The Truth About Star Trek Transporters" is not a fucking fanzine, people! It's a manifesto of the alternate reality we're being asked to accept! The alternate reality of an alternate reality where people are being sent to their deaths every fucking mission only to be replaced by clones of themselves and nobody fucking cares! Probably because they're all clones of clones of clones and their ability to think rationally has diminished to the point of dogmatic stupidity! Am I the only one witnessing this while others simply think its some kind of retrograde perspective?! Does my antediluvian intellect subquester the means of proliferating the parallax of reality?! Does the inclusion of three hilarious dick jokes deny me the mantle of manifesto writer, oublietting my ego into an infinite mirror trick of endless zineian declarations?! Fuck this shit! And fuck that satellite that's been following me throughout this meandering conclusion!

#Justice League #Justice League International #Kevin Maguire #Keith Giffen #J.M. DeMatteis #DC #DC Comics

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calliecat93 · 5 years ago

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Top 5 Things I Liked About Red vs Blue: Season 2

(Top 5 Dislikes)

One post down, one more to go… and then twenty-six more to go for the rest of this series. Why did I decide to do this again? Meh, whatever. Let’s just get on with it as we resume looking over Season 2.

#5. Machinima

Okay, this might sound weird, but hear me out. The machinima last season was… basic. Not bad mind you, there is only so much that you can do without a lot of creativity and resources. Resources that RT didn’t have at this point in time. But mostly, they just went through the default motions. Nothing really stood out. It had some cool stuff, like them somehow managing to blow the Warthog on top of Red Base. I think they even said in the commentary that trying to replicate it for the remaster was a pain in the ass. Still, it just didn’t stand out, though the humor made you not notice.

Clearly, the RT guys wanted to push themselves a little more now that they knew how Halo operated and they could machinimate better. Which they did. I noticed a lot of little things when watching the season. Like having Caboose jumping up and down during the opening gunfight while behind a rock, or even Doc just pretending to fire his blaster. Or having Simmons more or less trembling in the finale when his… ugh… fax parts act up and you can tell what Grif is staring at when he questions it. Or adding in things like Lopez’ note in the finale, and even having it written in binary. Heck, we even have smoke come out of Grif’s helmet when Simmons catches him in the act.

These are small things, but it helps make the world and characters feel a little more alive. Clearly, machinima has its limitations, and we’re a long way away from them adding in animation. But creative people will find a way to work within their limitations, and even use those limitations to their advantage. Considering how long this show has been going, I’d say that they succeeded.

#4. Caboose’s Mind

One of the most memorable parts, and one with some actual effects on the characters, is when Church and Tex go into Caboose’s mind to kill O’Malley. It’s one of the weirdest, yet funniest parts of the season. We get to see how Caboose views everyone, with Tucker being stupid and Church being obsessed with being Caboose’s best friend. He gets them wrong, but it makes sense because it’s how /Caboose/ interprets these individuals. They aren’t supposed to be accurate. It’s especially funny when we see the Reds and only Simmons is close to right Grif is Yellow (which they outright did to prove that he was Orange to viewers), Donut is a girl since that’s what Caboose thought at the time, and Sarge has a pirate accent instead of a Southern one.

It’s just funny to see Caboose, who at this point had been portrayed as the most dim-witted, and how he views these people. It kinda reflects what he wants with Church being his best friend and the Reds fearing him and his greatness. His ideal version of himself is pretty much a cool version of himself, though otherwise not too different. Church’s reaction and frustration at all fo this, especially Caboose!Church, only makes it funnier as is Tex being unfazed by all of it. It did kinda throw me off when I watched it the first time, but God it’s funnier on rewatch now that I know what’s going on. It’s a nice look into Caboose’s mind, and we got to see glimpses of the others int he S14 episode Head Cannon.

I think the biggest things though were for one, we got a location that wasn’t Blood Gulch finally. Sure it’s pretty much a standard video game map with a bunch of cubes, but after having the only setting be a canyon, it was refreshing. We also have some major impact with this since due to all the chaos, Caboose’s character becomes what it is now. We can debate all day how we should view Caboose and his intellectual level, but I do think that this helped endear the character to people and allowed him to stand out much, much more. Even now I know very few people, if anyone, who dislikes Caboose so while maybe they should acknowledge that he was more or less brain-damaged, the character himself has become better due to this. Which is nice~

#3. O’Malley Subplot

Speaking of Caboose’s mind, the O’Malley plot was by far the standout in this season. At first, it wasn’t too much since only Tucker cared about Caboose’s sudden murderous behavior. But once Tex came back, things picked up. While the backstory wasn’t totally accurate, it would certainly lead to more ahead. The fight in Caboose’s mind was fun. Tucker got to show some genuine competence when he came up with the plan to make the Reds turn their comms off and even using Lopez as a backup plan. With how much more competent Tucker grows later once circumstances pretty much force him to, this was an early sign showing that he is capable. He just needs to be pushed into doing it.

O’Malley himself didn’t stand out too much, just being kinda murderous. Then he escaped into Doc. I’ll go more into this next season, but this was the best decision ever. Doc is a whiny goody-two-shoes while O’Malley is gleefully, over-the-top evil. The contrast of the two personalities works super well and is just really funny to watch, though again it applies more for the next season. By the end, O’Malley makes his move and firmly sets himself up as the first proper Big Bad of the series, and he’s the perfect villain for the Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Overall, the whole subplot was really fun even though it did kind of have a slow start. It brought back Tex, had some really funny moments like the Reds' reactions to Lopez’s horrible love song. At least Donut liked it, haha~ It gave us our first proper villain, which led to one Hell of an insane finale. Even everything in between with Donut getting captured by the Blues and them trying to use this to make Sarge build them new bodies was fun to watch. The first half of S2 s super fun, but the second half is, without doubt, the best part for me. O’Malley was the catalyst, and to this day is one of my favorite villains. Love it~

#2. Improved Production Standards

Season 1 was good but flawed. It was clear that the RT guys weren’t really sure what they were doing. Audio quality was meh, jokes could drag, and the pacing was rather slow. It makes sense though when you read about what the original plans were. RvB was meant to be a miniseries, and nothing more. But pretty much a combination of them not getting to what they planned as soon as they thought (Donut was supposed to be in pink armor much sooner for example, and they realized how long it was taking to get there) as well as just coming up with more ideas extended things to a nineteen episode run. So there was no long term plan and things like writing and machinima were done in mere days in between releases. Plus there were only two main machinimators, Burnie and Geoff, and if you listen to the original S1 commentary they are both clearly exhausted. Burnie even said on a one-on-one podcast with Geoff on how they had pretty much had every conversation ever and they’d be like some old married couple just staring at each other. You can find it here if you’re interested, it’s a fun one~

So yeah… when you look back you can kinda tell that S1 was a bit of a rush job, and a tiring one at that. It’s still very good and like I said, they found ways to use so much you barely notice things were made up on the fly. But clearly, they needed a better system. Enter Matt Hullum. He had already been voicing Sarge, but he ended up stepping in to play a larger behind the scenes role. He joined Burnie on writing and directing, and thus they started planning things much farther ahead. As such, they knew the general plot and thus things could be tightened. The pacing is much better with episodes feeling faster, but having plenty of things happening. I already talked about the machinima improvements, which having Matt as well as Gus coming back from Puerto Rico also helped there. The voice acting, while still amateur, improved as well as the audio mixing. The filter is still a little distracting, but it and the general audio mixing is greatly improved. Pretty much every aspect of S1 was improved big time. It wasn’t perfect, but still, they clearly put a lot in creating a more quality product.

Season 2 had a hard job. Season One had to prove that this was a show worth watching. Season 2 had to prove that it could keep going and wasn’t just a one-hit-wonder. And ho boy did they. It’s funnier, it’s more ambitious, and even starts adding in some story. This season got the viewers from last time to come back, and probably brought in some new ones. It proved that this was a show that was sticking around and that RT had staying power. If this season failed, RvB would probably just be remembered as this funny Halo show. But it succeeded because they wanted the show to keep succeeding and be good, and that effort shows.

#1. Improved Characterizations

The thing that I enjoyed most about Season 1 was the character interactions. They just had natural chemistry and their interactions were funny. The characters themselves though were a little one-note. They had personality, but they didn’t really stand out when you compare them to other comedies like The Simpsons or South Park. I guess that RT realized this as well because this is where the characters really begin to become the same ones that we know now. Not all of them mind you like Simmons and Tucker are the least fleshed out here, but even then the signs of who they would become are there with things like Simmons clinginess to Sarge and the joke about Tucker’s rock, as well as the previously mentioned show of competence when pushed.

Donut and Grif show more of their personality, with Donut expressing his hobbies like home decor and growing to like his lightish-red armor. Grif shows his more lazy slacker attributes, like sleeping during meetings and forgetting the ammo, and his unhealthy habits like smoking and his constant eating. Which he’s pretty much doing intentionally to annoy Simmons and mess up the parts that he got from him. Lopez also got a lot of personalities now that he can talk. Namely, after the Reds nearly kill him and the Blues use him for their own means, he hates them all and his apathetic personality has stuck ever since. Poor guy has had such a hard time, haha. And I already went into Caboose, so there's no need to repeat myself. Even Shelia got sassier this season~

The one I think got the most improvement though is Sarge. In S1, he was just kind of a standard sergeant character you could find in just about any military movie, and the voice reflected it. Here? Matt just goes off the wall. He said in the S2 commentary that Sarge is pretty much the combination of various 50’s character tropes, like the grumpy old guy and the mad scientist. It shows. Sarge’s hatred of Blues and love of warfare are much more evident, especially in the finale. His hatred of Grif is also much more played up. We see that he is absolutely insane with his conspiracy theories about Lopez being brainwashed by the Blues instead of reprogrammed and turning Simmons into a cyborg instead of just getting a new robot. Sarge is the opposite of sensible, and having this guy be the leader and forcing everyone to follow his plans due to it is freakin’ hilarious. Matt exaggerating the accent from this point on only adds to this characterization and is much, much more fitting.

The characters, in my opinion, are the best part of Red vs Blue. This season demonstrates that very well. Unlike S1 where there were only shades of their later portrayal, this one uses broad strokes. I think some of the better voice acting can also be due to this since the cast now has more of a character to fool around with instead of just having to more or less act like their everyday selves. The characters were stronger, and as such the interaction and humor were even better. As such, it is my favorite part of Red vs Blue Season 2. Can they keep it up in Season 3? Well… we’ll find out soon~

#rvb #rvb reviews #top likes/dislikes

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themysteryofwriting · 5 years ago

Text

Can’t You See It

Virgil was getting annoyed. He was always getting asked questions about why he was with Logan from the others. It was strange to him at first, as while Logan was sometimes a little cold, he was really affectionate. Though that didn’t always make up for all the stupid stuff he did. When he explained this to the others, they gave him a weird look.

“Come on Virge, don’t joke with us like that,” Roman said, laughing a little, “Logan’s not like that. He’s never been affectionate with you. At least not that we’ve seen. In fact, the only thing I’ve seen Logan get excited about is Crofters. And are you still trying to get us to believe the Logan dabbed when we weren’t looking,” Roman shook his head at this fact. “Alright Virge, keep believing your stories, I have I date with Dee to go on.”

Virgil’s conversation with Roman caused him to start thinking over his interactions with his boyfriend. He cuddled with Logan all the time...but the others were never around when they did. Virgil had been the only one to notice when he dabbed. The longer he thought about it, the more obvious it became to Virgil that Logan had never really been the way he seemed around the others. Virgil, convinced something was going on with Logan, decided to confront him.

Virgil headed to Logan’s room and knocked on his door. He couldn’t help but feel nervous while he stood outside of Logan’s door. His mind went back to when he had asked Logan out. It had taken forever to gather up the courage and he had been so shocked when he had said yes. A sudden voice brought him out of his flashback. It took him a second before he realized it was Logan calling for him to come in.

As Virgil walked in, Logan looked up from his work and smiled at him. Virgil smiled a little as Logan stepped away from what he was working on to talk to Virgil. “How are you doing my little stormcloud,” Logan asked, knowing that name always made Virgil blush and become flustered.

It wasn’t any different this time and Logan approached Virgil as normally when Virgil approached Logan during the day he was feeling overly anxious and he needed someone to calm him down. Virgil took a step back and shook his head. “It’s not that this time Lo, I’m no more anxious than I am normally.”

“Not that I don’t love seeing you Virge, but do you mind if I ask why you’re doing here then. I know you’re normally too busy to bother me when I’m working on something,” Logan asked.

“Isthereareasonyouactdifferentlyaroundtheothers,” Virgil blurted out before he lost his nerve.

Logan paused, trying to interpret what Virgil had said. After he had interpreted it, Logan smiled. “Well you know how the others think I’m an ‘emotionless robot’,” Logan said, scoffing a little at that fact, “And even though that’s clearly not the truth, it is quite fun to mess with them. It’s only a plus that the fact that they think Logic is an emotionless robot suits my purpose.”

“But that’s not what you are Lo,” Virgil said, stepping towards him. “You’re loving, and you love teasing me and the others with memes, either behind their back or not. You’re never been emotionless.”

“I know stormcloud, but the others don’t know that. And I’d prefer to keep it that way for now. It’s actually quite fun.”

“....Alright, we’re still up for a movie night tonight right,” Virgil asked.

“Of course,” Logan said, “I’ll see you later stormcloud.” Logan leaned down and kissed Virgil on the head. Virgil blushed and muttered something about seeing him later.

It was then that Virgil set his plan. He was no longer going to be the only one who knew the truth about Logan. “Sorry Lo,” Virgil muttered as he initiated his plan, “But I think it’s time that the others found out the truth.”

The first to find out would be Deceit. That much was clear. Not only would he be the easiest person to reveal the truth to, but it would also be fun to mess with him a little bit. The perfect time would actually be tonight. Everyone would be out and Deceit normally came back early to make sure Remus didn’t do anything stupid (like trying to kill himself. Don’t ask, you really don’t want to know). And Roman understood and normally hung out around town for a little bit so Deceit could deal with his brother. And that helped Virgil’s plan.

Virgil started his plan that night but was surprised when Logan came out with his laptop. “Sorry stormcloud,” Logan said a little guiltily. “I got a little behind on work.” Logan glanced around to make sure no one was around before grinning at Virgil.

“Oof,” Virgil instinctively responded.

“Mood,” Logan said before sitting on the couch next to Virgil. “So what movie do you want to watch,” Logan asked. Virgil cuddled up next to Logan, not really caring.

“You can have the first pick, Lo,” he muttered, already getting comfortable.

Logan could tell and chuckled a little. “You realize I would have to get up if I chose the movie, right stormcloud,” Logan muttered to him.

Virgil got up and glared at Logan before he got up and went to go choose a movie. “I hope you realize I’m just going to put Nightmare before Christmas on,” Virgil called as he went to put the movie in.

Logan only chuckled as Virgil grabbed the movie and put it in before immediately cuddling back up to Logan. Logan was working on something on his laptop but Virgil could see the smile that appeared on his face. Virgil smiled too, feeling safe cuddling up to Logan. Sure Logan wasn’t paying attention to the movie as he had work, but Virgil knew if anything happened, Logan would make sure nothing happened to him.

A few movies in, it was time to put his plan into action. While watching the movie, Virgil pretended to start drifting off. He knew it was about the time that Deceit would walk in. Virgil pretended to start drifting off. He heard Logan chuckle a little from beside him but Virgil ignored him.

“You getting tired stormcloud,” Logan asked him, with an amused tone.

“No,” Virgil murmured, pretending to be tired.

Logan laughed a little as Virgil pretended to fall asleep on Logan’s shoulder. Virgil couldn’t see what Logan was doing but Virgil heard Logan’s laptop close as Logan put it down. Virgil also sensed someone was looking at him and he assumed it was Logan. Virgil didn’t know how long it had been after he pretended to fall asleep but he eventually heard a door open.

“I swear if Remus wasn’t-,” Virgil started to hear Deceit mutter before he stopped and Virgil had to stop himself from laughing.

Virgil felt Logan turn to look at Deceit and Virgil cuddled up to him more. “No one will ever believe you,” Logan said, making it harder for Virgil to not start laughing.

Deceit stared for a good five seconds before muttering. “I am imagining this. This is not actually happening. I don’t believe this is actually happening.” After muttering that Deceit left the room, clearly assuming he was hallucinating or something along those lines.

That’s what caused Virgil to crack and started laughing. There was a little bit of shock before there was a little bit of laughing from both of them.

As soon as the two had stopped laughing, Logan gave Virgil a look. “Did you plan this stormcloud,” Logan asked.

“Sorry Lo, I got tired of them asking me why I was with you. Besides, they should know the truth,” Virgil responded.

Logan paused before smiling at Virgil. “Why didn’t you tell me stormcloud? If you want the others to know then, of course, we can let them know. Especially if they’re questioning why we’re dating. If you want, I can help you as well.”

Virgil grinned at Logan’s statement. “Of course I want you to help Lo,” Virgil said with a smile.

“Then we should get some sleep, after all, Deceit is normally the first one up.”

Virgil nodded, kissing Logan before the two headed to bed.

Virgil tossed and turned for a few hours, like normal, before he fell asleep. He wasn’t sure how much sleep he actually got but he eventually woke up to a soft knock on his door. Virgil got up, pulled his hoodie on, grabbed a camera, and opened the door. Virgil grinned as he saw Logan standing there.

“So what idea did you have to convince Deceit,” Virgil whispered, knowing that Patton was a light sleeper.

“Well he has already seen me cuddling up to you, and if I’m right, you want them to know both sides of what I’ve been keeping from them,” Logan asked. Virgil grinned with a big grin on his face. Logan smirked a little at the look on Virgil's face. “Then I would assume I should do something memey then,” Logan said.

“Logan, please promise me you will never say memey again,” Virgil said with a serious look on his face. Logan only laughed a little.

“We’ll see stormcloud, now I’ll get in position and we’ll wait for Deceit.”

Both Logan and Virgil got into position, Virgil plopping on the couch and pulling out his camera to record Deceit’s reaction for possibly blackmail later, and Logan t-posing in the kitchen. Virgil was doing everything to keep from laughing because even though he had seen Logan be a meme lord multiple times, it never lost its funniness.

What made it even funnier was when Deceit walked in, clearly not completely aware of what was going on. Deceit didn’t even notice Logan until he had started making coffee. Once he noticed Logan, he took a step back in confusion. “...I’m not imagining this am I,” he asked, glancing over at Virgil.

Virgil tried his best to contain his laughter. “No, you’re not Dee.”

“I wasn’t imagining it last night either was I,” Deceit asked, “When I noticed Virgil asleep on you Logan?”

“I wasn’t actually asleep,” Virgil called out, still recording, “but besides that, everything else was right.”

“Virgil is right,’ Logan said, stopping his t-posing now that Deceit had noticed, “Noted, I also did not know that Virgil was awake. Apparently he planned to have everyone realize on his own without help.” Logan smirked a little.

“...Can I help then,” Deceit asked, “I’ve been meaning to get back at Roman for a prank he pulled on me a while back. And Remus definitely deserves it after what he’s put me through this week alone.”

Virgil glanced over at Logan and Virgil could tell by the look Logan was giving him that he agreed with adding Deceit to their team. “Seems like you’re in Dee,” Virgil said, stopping recording. “So, who do we reveal the truth to next.”

“Maybe Patton, I wouldn’t want it to be as mean though,” Deceit said. “Patton doesn’t deserve that.”

Logan smirked causing both Deceit and me to look up at him. “Patton actually already knows. He’s known for a while but he agreed not to tell anyone unless I asked him to.”

“When did he find out,” I exclaimed in shock, almost in disbelief that Patton had found out so early.

“You fell asleep on me one night and I didn’t want to wake you. Patton came out to ask one of us a question and saw us cuddled up. I believe he actually took a picture once he noticed us. He said something about saving it for a scrapbook or something. He also questioned me because he actually saw me dab during the Growing Up episode.”

“I knew I wasn’t the only one that saw you,” I exclaimed, “I mean the chances that I was the only one looking at you when you dabbed were slim and yet no one mentioned anything. Oh my gosh, I am going to find a way to get Patton back somehow.”

Logan just stood there was a smirk on his face. “Are you really that mad at Patton for not telling you that he knew.”

“Lo, you know how much Roman accused me of lying about it for months afterward. And also bold of you to assume that I’m not planning revenge on you for not telling me that Patton knew this entire time. I could have been making jokes with him this entire time,” Virgil complained. Virgil glanced over at Deceit and noticed that he had grabbed some popcorn. “Dee where did you even get the popcorn,” Virgil asked him confused.

Deceit shrugged. “I literally thought this is entertaining and all of a sudden I had popcorn.”

“...That’s….really strange….and now I want to do another movie night while I think of how to tell Remus and Roman the truth,” Virgil muttered.

“That actually sounds really nice stormcloud,” Logan said, walking over and kissing the top of Virgil’s head, making him turn red.

“Ew feelings,” Deceit said.

“Oh shut it, Dee, like you don’t like Roman like I like Logan,” Virgil retorted.

Deceit immediately became flustered. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he hissed.

“Why don’t have that movie night while you continue denying your feelings,” Virgil said, heading over to the couch, knowing that Logan would join him on the couch. And Virgil was right, it didn’t take long after Virgil had sat down that Logan joined him.

“What happened to getting payback on me for not telling you,” Logan said with a slight chuckle as he sat down next to him.

“I will just not until later,” Virgil muttered, cuddling into Logan.

Deceit rolled his eyes as he chose a movie and decided to sit on the recliner so he could ignore the two lovebirds on the couch. At least that’s why Virgil thought he sat on the recliner.

They weren’t even that far into the movie when Remus came in, noticed Dee and started ranting to him about some ideas he had.

“Please tell me you’re timing how long it takes him to notice us,” Virgil muttered quietly to him.

“I’m already on it stormcloud,” Logan muttered back just as quietly.

Because Logan was timing it, we found out that it took 30 minutes for Remus to notice the two of them cuddling. The two of them continued watching the movie until Remus noticed them and screamed, “I F***ING KNEW IT.”

“Did you have to scream so loud Remus, Virgil and I were enjoying this movie,” Logan said calmly, making Virgil laugh.

“I knew you were actually loving towards him,” Remus said with a giant grin on his face, “But Dee and Ro wouldn’t believe me...I mean to be fair there’s a lot of stuff that I said was happening that I was completely wrong about, but I was right about this. Wait, am I right about Logan being a meme lord too?”

Virgil couldn’t help but laugh at how excited Remus was about all of this. It only made him laugh harder when without looking up from the movie Logan went “Good alternative to recycling, when you’re done, just f***ing eat the bottle”

Remus grinned and started clapping. “Yeeesss, I was right.”

“Can we finish our movie Remus,” Virgil asked, pretending to be annoyed, knowing that Remus would pick up on.

“Of course, besides I need to go tell Roman,” Remus said with a grin before rushing out.

“Roman isn’t going to believe him is he,” Deceit asked from his seat.

“Oh definitely not, chances are he won’t believe him but it will bother him so he’ll test me to see if Remus was right,” Logan said. “But that won’t happen until our movie is done.”

“Yeah, because Remus will probably have to tell Roman a few times before Roman realizes what he means,” Virgil muttered. “And that’s if Roman is up. Besides I don’t want to get up yet, you’re too comfy.”

Logan only chuckled as Virgil cuddled with him so more. “You’ll have to get up later,” he stated.

“Yes but that’s later and this is now,” Virgil muttered.

While they were watching the movie, Patton came in and started making a late brunch for everyone as he overslept a little. Virgil could have sworn he heard a camera flash but he ignored it for now. He had a plan to get back at Patton later anyways.

Soon Patton called them to eat and both Remus and Roman walked in from their room. Roman was giving Logan and me an odd look so it was clear that Remus had told Roman.

“How do you think he’s going to test you,” Virgil asked, sliding into the seat next to Logan.

“He’ll probably quote some random meme discreetly at me,” Logan said. Virgil nodded as they started eating.

“Hey Logan,” Roman started after clearly internally debating for a bit. After all they were all almost done eating when Roman said, “You actually seem closer to Virgil than I thought. In fact I but you guys finish each other's s-,” Roman started.

Logan didn’t even hesitate, and even grinned a little as he responded. “Satan will rise.”

Roman could only stare in shock, making practically everyone else at the table start laughing at him.

“I told you Ro,” Remus said with a giant grin on his face. “You just didn’t want to believe I was telling you the truth.”

“Wait does this mean you were right about the cuddling too,” Roman exclaimed.

While Roman was preoccupied with freaking out, Patton was calmly pulling up a file of photos on his phone. “Does this answer your question kiddo,” Patton said turning his phone around. On Patton’s phone were pictures upon pictures of Logan and Virgil cuddling.

“Patton how long have you been collecting those,” Virgil asked, his face flushed red.

“For a while now, you and Lo are just so cute together,” Patton said with a grin on his face. Virgil curled up into his hoodie, hiding his face making Logan chuckle a little and kiss the top of his head. “Come on stormcloud it’s not that bad.”

“Says you,” Virgil muttered from inside his hoodie. “I didn’t know Patton had that many pictures of us.”

Patton couldn’t help but start laughing at Virgil’s reaction.

“Well you guys are cute,” Patton said, laughing.

Virgil blushed and cuddled up to Logan ignoring the others teasing. Logan could only chuckle. “You know you wanted this.”

“Shut up Lo.” Virgil muttered but cuddled up to him anyways. It was clear that everything was going to be okay.

#analogical #background roceit #tooth rotting fluff #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #deceit sander #remus sander #duke don't look #sanders sides #sanders sides one shot #megan this mught make you uncomfortable

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littlemisskookie · 6 years ago

Text

The Story of Us

The Story of Us Ship: Hoseok | Reader Description: The story of your relationship with Jung Hoseok. Warning: Fluff, Angst, Slight Mentions of Fluff, Cracky Humor Word Count: 6,231

Day 1

I met a boy today.

Yesterday, to be more precise. Exactly 5 hours and 48 minutes from ago, from the moment that I'm writing down these words.

I've never really started a journal before- well, more accurately, I've never finished one. I've attempted and started various times, but I'd eventually lose interest or be too busy and never get back to it. Therefore, one of my many New Year Revolutions that no one actually intends to keep, was to start a diary again- and to finish.

Saying diary sounds so girly and feminine- makes me want to cringe. But what's wrong with feminine things? I like feminine things occasionally. Maybe the social justice warrior in me simply believes that this world's gotten to toxic on its synonymous meanings behind masculinity and strength.

I know it seems as though I'm rambling, but this exact topic is what brought me to the boy I've met.

His name is Jung Hoseok.

The name looks so pretty as I write it down. It's also so pretty, the way it rolls off my tongue. Sort of like those movie stars or singers with names that just sound like they were destined to be famous.

Believe it or not, Hoseok's face is even prettier than his name. I was half-wasted at someone's New Year's Eve party- I can't even remember who's it was already, can you believe that?- feeling mopey at the thought of having to down another shot instead of having a New Year's kiss like the fellow drunks around me. I just didn't want to randomly sexually assault some guy, grabbing him by the collar and smashing his face against mine out of self-pity. No, men deserve the same respect we should expect. Therefore I'm not going to shove my tongue down someone's throat like a sleazy frat douche.

So continuing along, I've got warm beer on the collar of my shirt due to my utter lack of coordination, and I turn and bump into a man. If he were across the room, I wouldn't have noticed him, probably because my vision's very hazy with this much booze, and he'd look similar to the pad of my thumb. Up close though... Writing can't do him justice.

But that smile. God, I think I melted. I don't believe in love at first sight, mind you- just infatuation and/or lust. I'll clarify, however, that my legs went to utter mush when I saw him. He seemed as radiant as the sun, warming the room despite it being a freezing winter day.

And I was the idiot who literally fell for him. See what I did there? Not figuratively of course- God, it's too soon for that. I'm not going to start naming our kids or some bullshit like that. (Astrid if it's a girl, Lucas if it's a boy.)

I'm sure he was just thinking, "Wow, look at this hot mess. I pity whoever's floor she's passing out on."

Or maybe that's just what he wanted to say.

Instead, like the true gentleman, I'm sure he was pretending to be, he rights me up and holds me firmly to make sure I don't make another klutzy accident. "Woah, are you alright? It seems like you've had too much to drink."

Let me tell you, his hands were so firm, with veins along the top, and his jawline was so sharp, and his cologne- oh dear God, he smelt nothing like the sixth grade boys who poured an entire bottle over their head in the locker room- he knew how to actually put on cologne! I wanted nothing more than to fall again and have another 'accident' by slipping right on his penis.

Of course, I didn't actually say that- he'd probably think I was psycho. Instead, I said, "Oops," and blushed profusely. "I suppose you're right."

As soon as he was sure I could stand on my own he looked deeply into my eyes and said- "Wow, your pupils are super dilated. I should get you some water to help you sober up."

Romantic right? Like the polite way of saying, "Holy crap, you look like a hot piling piece of shit right now! What a mess, I'm going to take pity on you so that you don't end up getting kidnapped while wandering through the streets." That would be a way to start off the year.

I simply nodded along dumbly as he told me to wait right where I was, and true enough, within a few seconds he's back with a bottle of water- unopened- and hands it to me. I thank him for it, and as I unscrew the cap- a very tight cap, mind you, that's how I know it's unopened. I'm terrible at opening unopened caps- someone bumps into me.

I should probably mention at this moment that I had decided to wear a white turtleneck to this New Year's Eve party. While I'd normally dress like a proud 50-year-old mom reliving her bimbo days as she's drunk at some retirement home party, where she works part-time, I instead chose to go the more practical route and dress warmly. Otherwise, my nipples would get so hard they'd burst from my shirt and say, "Hello, world!"

Of course, I'm sure you know that white clothing + water is never a good thing. Especially if you're wearing a black bra underneath said clothing. Therefore Hoseok quickly froze up, ushered me outside onto the balcony so we could be away from the crowd- and somehow, I'm too drunk to remember- got this big ass parka and draped it over me. Of course, being partially soaked and in the freezing cold in winter, isn't exactly the best case scenario. However, I didn't want to be that asshole who was like, "Thanks for the help, but you really made things worse." That, and I was looking to get wet somewhere else because of this guy if you catch my drift.

"Thank you," I say, bundling up. I know the parka is his because it smells like his cologne. I want to bury myself in it like the obsessive hermit I am.

Hoseok just smiles at me and shrugs, as if it's no big deal, which it totally isn't. "No problem, glad to help. You kind of seemed out of it."

"What's your name?" I questioned, unaware that I was about to be more blessed than the Holy Trinity itself once he dropped it.

"Hoseok. Jung Hoseok. And you?"

"Y/N."

His cheeks were so rosy from the cold outside- and probably because I also took his fucking parka- but I'm going to fantasize it was because of me instead. "Y/N," he said. "I like it."

It's a brief moment, and silence hangs between us. You know when you meet someone for the first time, and you don't know what to talk about, because you don't know anything you have in common yet? It was like that. I was just itching to find something to say, but when you're buzzed, it's sort of hard to figure out the right words or questions. I'm usually much better at these sort of things- just ask the middle school friends I used to have- I was a fucking wiz at truth or dare.

We hear shouting from inside, and the moment is over. 10!...9!...8!...7!...6!...

Hoseok looks to me for a second, and I'm pretty sure he was actually blushing this time. I feel my heart begin to pound a bit faster at the thought that he's going to kiss me, and I feel gleeful! Like a school girl instead of someone who's going to work hungover tomorrow.

"Can I kiss you?"

Yes yes yes!

"Sure." I say it in a way that sounds as though I would've followed it with 'whatever'. I'm surprised I kept my chill, seeing that in my head I was bouncing on the balls of my feet.

5!...4!...3!...

He leans in, and I can smell the cologne much stronger now, as though he applied it just below his ears, where his jawline curved upward.

2!...

Was this it? Was I going to get a New Year's kiss? I should've asked if he had herpes first.

1!...

He gives me a peck on the cheek. it's warm, and it makes me feel warm despite the bitter air stinging my cheeks, but it's warm nonetheless. Honestly, I prefer the fact he kissed my cheek instead of kissing me on the lips. Sure, I was slightly disappointed at the time, but now that I write this before heading to work, with a mild migraine and a sober mind, I'll tell you why the cheek was better.

He knew I was drunk, and if he were to kiss me or do anything further, it would've been taking advantage of my state. Secondly, a kiss to the cheek is harmless. It's cute, it's innocent, it's... sweet. I feel somewhat guilty for wanting to jump his bones at that moment, but it was the sweetest thing! Adorable, truly.

The moment is ingrained in my head, but the minute the clock struck twelve, everything else seemed to speed up. Before I knew it, I was writing in way-too-big-handwriting along his forearm, in sharpie, my number. He called me an Uber, and then I wake up in bed with a pounding headache and a message in my phone of a 'Hey' and a smiley face, with a little ramble about how he met me at the party and who he was. As if I could forget! (Scratch that, I could totally forget, drunk me is stupid enough.)

I've got to get to work, but something about this guy makes me feel elated.

Day 7

Mr. Jung Hoseok and I just went on a date.

A. Date.

Let me clarify if you didn't get that right.

Date.

Got it? Good.

We've been texting for a week and such, and he's so much sweeter and funnier through texts. He likes my sense of humor- despite how raunchy and weird I am, though it wasn't what he initially expected- and he's a lot more outgoing than I expected. He's louder than I thought- even through the phone when we called. My friends think I'm going fast since I called him, but I think it's silly. We haven't even kissed yet, who cares?

Oh, yes, the date! I should explain that.

So we decide to meet at this ice rink at the zoo. Every year they open one up right next to the ostriches- y'know, those big weird birds that vaguely resemble feet and look like they want to kill you? Those. Hoseok totally agreed on my sentiment about that- he said he was scared of ostriches when he was a kid. I said me too! (Total lie, I grabbed a pigeon once, not a good day for 6-year-old me.)

I wait for him in the middle of the ice rink, on my skates, and I see him slowly skating towards me. I look like the living embodiment of the marshmallow man- is that what he's called? That big giant statue thing with the donut that comes to life in Ghostbusters? Whatever, then the tire man they use for those tire commercials, you know the one. He looks like he could model for Abercrombie and Fitch. I was slightly scared that my drunken state had overglorified his in-person glory, but low and behold, he does not look remotely like a thumb! He looks like a fucking god!

And he asked me on a date!

So naturally, my first thought is, "Wow, what an idiot. Someone call Ursala because we've got a poor unfortunate soul over here."

My second thought is, "Wow, where did he get those earmuffs? I want some of those." (His grandma knitted them.)

My third thought was, "Holy shit, I'm falling!"

Sure enough, my butt landed so hard on the ice that I was sure it was going to crack, and all the little kids skating around us would be sunk into the depths of the ice rink. That or my ass would get frostbite. Instead, Hoseok laughed his ass off and reluctantly helped me up whilst wiping the tears off of his face so they wouldn't freeze like icicles.

Other than that blunder, which I can laugh about now, it went great. Our hands made us feel like we were both toddlers with thick fingers that resemble those cartoony ones, plump and fat with the mittens or gloves we wore, clasped around the other's as we skated along. Well, I was attempting to more or less- I'm not the best skater. He was mediocre, but every time he fell I made sure to jeer a good amount as payback before helping him. up. I enjoyed his company and he even laughed at my crude humor. Picture that, a decent guy actually liking me! I thought I was just a magnet for assholes, but here we are!

I went home with a smile on my face and possible frostbite on my ass, and a guarantee for a second date next weekend.

Day 29

Jung Hoseok finally kissed me.

I had kicked my roommate out so that I could watch a movie with him at my place. We were watching We're the Millers, an American classic in my opinion, with my humor down to the T. Hoseok laughed at it too, and it wasn't even the fake laugh you'd expect when you're forced to watch a movie you don't even enjoy. He snorted. Do you know how hard it is to fake a snort? A genuine snort? Like the one where you sound like a pig? God, he was an adorable pig.

It was the part where the kid made out with both his mother and sister I got to thinking- Hey, why hasn't Hoseok kissed me yet? We weren't official or anything, and there was no rush- hell, we were adults, not horny teenagers. But I figured it would've happened by now.

Maybe he could sense I was getting a little confused when I started breathing on my wrist to see if my breath smelled bad. (I had made sure to chew minty gum before the date, just in case.)

The entire night went by before anything happened, and I admit, I felt a little disappointed that he hadn't kissed me yet. I was walking him out of the building (because I didn't want him to be attacked by rapists or anything) and waving goodbye to him as he walked to his car when suddenly he froze in his tracks. My first thought was that he saw a rapist, but instead, he turns around and marches to me, a determined look in his eye, and he kisses me. He kisses me, and he kisses me, and he kisses me. His hands are on either side of my face as he pulls me in, and I didn't care at that moment that my nipples were probably poking through my shirt, or that my hands were so cold they were numb, I just kissed him right back, with my minty breath and everything.

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic to do it again.

Day 40

I'm officially Jung Hoseok's girlfriend.

We were both laying on the couch, my legs sprawled over his as we watch a movie he likes, a Japanese film named Let Me Eat Your Pancreas. (Stupid title, but I swear it's good.)

Suddenly the question pops up.

"Why haven't you asked about our relationship title?"

Strangely enough, it's not overthinking me who asks this question- it's him. Hoseok who simply goes with whatever I suggest despite my antics.

I simply shrug. "I guess we never got around to discussing it. I mean... I really like you. Do you like me?"

Hoseok laughs hard at that. "Are you kidding? I've liked you since I met you- heads over heels, in fact. I thought I was being obvious."

God, you should've seen the stupid grin plastered over my face. I looked like I had just committed a felony and gotten away with it. The same look my aunt would always wear at family reunions.

"Well, if we both like each other, why don't we date exclusively. Like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I question. "With me playing the part of the boyfriend, of course."

Hoseok snorts at that- that pig laugh again- of course.

"Then it's settled," I grinned.

"So you're officially asking me to be your boyfriend?"

"More like proclaiming, but whatever you want to call it," I shrug.

Hoseok laughs at that, shaking his head as he turns his attention back to the film. "Proclaiming," he murmurs.

Day 65

I can officially say that I've sat, sucked, and held Jung Hoseok's penis.

And by God, is it a blessing. I'm pretty sure his balls are even more symmetrical than most- and I've touched a lot of balls.

That sounded weird.

Alright, let me just get into what happened. We had been waiting a little while for it to come up- not that we had a schedule, but it wasn't the heated spontaneous moment they show in movies. We were in a heated makeout session, like usual, groping and grinding and all of that good stuff. I was grinding as though he were coffee beans.

Well, the gist of it was that he suddenly pulled back and raised his brows, giving me a questioning look. "Do you want to?" he asked quietly.

We had been dating a bit less than a month if you only count when we were official. But it didn't feel as though it were too soon in my opinion. So I simply kissed him again and asked what he was waiting for. Being the good roommate I was, I didn't let jizz get all over the couch, since it can be a bitch to clean up on that sort of material, and instead lead him to my bedroom.

Maybe I should keep it vague and pull a Donna by placing dot dot dot. But seeing how blatant I have been in this journal about my desire to jump his bones since I met him, I think I won't.

He gave good head. Good everything really. I think he liked the part where I slurped his dick like it was a melting popsicle in July the most. He didn't partake in pillow talk after the deed was done, though. The devil's tango, if you will. The horizontal hula dance- sorry, I'm getting off topic. He fell asleep. Maybe he nutted so hard it sent his consciousness to another dimension. So instead I smiled, kissed his nose, went to pee and snuggled beside him.

Day 117

Hoseok loves me.

I love him too, no doubt. We've been dating for months at this point.

The way it happened was kind of funny, really. I think our entire relationship is, in a sense. We were on the phone and he's away on some business trip. It was probably 3 AM or something, but I was up doing work and he's the type who doesn't feel like hanging up, willing to simply bathe in someone's presence, even if it's only through a screen. He's extroverted like that- he can't stand not having human interaction.

It was when I was yawning, finally wrapping up my work, and Hoseok, though two hours behind me, was getting tired, too. Both of us agreed to hang up, and as he was saying goodbye he accidentally blurted, "Good night, I love you." As soon as he realized what he had admitted, his eyes were the size of golf balls, and he kept murmuring, 'shit shit shit'. In his flustering movements and embarrassment, he dropped the phone, and whilst picking it back up he accidentally hung up.

I, meanwhile, was boisterously laughing the entire time. After the tears dried off my face I squealed to myself, smiling despite everything as I decided first thing when he came back I'd tell him that I felt the same. I had been wondering how to properly address it, but, then again, our relationship isn't exactly the smoothest.

God, I love that fucking dork.

Day 120

I told Hoseok I loved him.

I did it in a really cute way, being the very extra person I am. As I was picking him up from the airport, I decided to make a sign, the same way rich people make their butlers to hold up signs with their last names without anything better to do. On the sign, I put glitter and hearts and pink- trying to make it seem as corny as possible. It said 'Jung, I love you 2'. To top it all off, I had a heart-shaped balloon tied to my left wrist.

Hoseok laughed the moment he saw it, knowing it was just like me to go outrageously above and beyond with this gesture. He dropped his bags and came up to me, hoisting me in the air as though we were in some sort of romcom, and kissed me like it was the first time in years, and in between each kiss he mumbled, "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Some people were glaring at the PDA, and the fact I was spreading the glitter from the sign everywhere, but I didn't care. I just cared about the fact that he was back, and he was home, and he was in my arms.

Day 352

Hoseok and I live together now. It's finally been settled. The last box from my now ex-roommate's apartment has been removed, and my toothbrush now sits in the same little cup as Hoseok's does. We spend so much time at each other's places, it was bound to happen. We already act like an old married couple, so I simply asked, "Hey, what would you think if we moved in together?"

He was surprisingly all in for it. He helped me pack and move my things, and here we both are, unpacking my clothes and dividing the drawers so I can cram clothes I no longer wear and lacy underwear I've never worn in the wedges and cracks. Hoseok doesn't complain though- instead of calling me out saying, "You wear the same bra and sweatpants every day, why do you need all of these shorts with writings on the ass?" To which I'd reply, "Fuck off, it was the 2000's." No, he simply says, "You can get the drawers on the left, and I'll get the ones on the right."

I think we work well together so far- but lord knows that living with Hoseok will change things.

The guy puts the toilet paper under instead of over. I'm living with a sociopath- might as well be Jake Paul!

Day 405

Today is my one year anniversary with Hoseok.

My boss forced me to stay late at work, and because of the shitty cellular reception, I was unable to call Hoseok to explain the situation. One of the employees I was supposed to manage severely fucked up, therefore I was the one who was forced to clean up their mess. The boss kept their hawk eyes on me the entire time, as though they blamed me for what had happened, and was scared I'd screw up again. I didn't even have time to whip out my phone to tell Hoseok I was going to be late. It was a pity, too, seeing as he was so excited about whatever surprise he had prepared for me.

By the time I got home, it was far later than usual, and there was dripping wax from the candlelit setup, and the pancakes- my favorite- were cold. Hoseok had fallen asleep at the table, wearing a cute apron and still clutching his phone in his hand.

I felt so guilty for missing our anniversary. Once I woke him up, I apologized profusely, trying to explain the situation. He was groggy, barely understanding what I was saying. I could feel how neglected he felt so, how betrayed and sad. Even when I showed him the tickets to the game he wanted to see- damn good tickets, too- he seemed depressed and sulky. He won't talk to me now, instead giving me a kiss and saying he'd go to bed.

I feel terrible.

Day 456

Hoseok and I got into a fight today.

It was over nothing, really. I forgot what it was over in the first place, but it escalated pretty quickly.

Somehow the conversation deterred to how his parents disapprove of me and how I don't seem to truly love him some days- that I don't take our relationship seriously.

I was sobbing by the end of it, my voice hoarse as I asked him to name examples. I couldn't deny what he said though- but he made it seem as though I put work over him. Not just the anniversary blunder, but the canceling of plans and making him feel neglected or unloved. The best I could fire back with was how his mother always glared at me and made me feel uncomfortable when we went to visit her, and I felt like some whore she thought was taking advantage of her son.

We're both going to bed angry to cool off- but I think it's for the best. I still feel the adrenaline surging throughout me in anger at his words. I hope we can fix this by tomorrow.

Day 623

Apparently Hoseok is cheating on me.

Ridiculous, right? I don't even believe it myself.

A girl friend of mine called me over to come hang out- said it was urgent. I just thought that if she was getting engaged she might as well tell me over the phone.

I think anyone gets a sense of dread when someone says the words, "I have to tell you something," or "I need to talk to you." It just rises panic.

But I wasn't prepared for this.

She says she saw Hoseok with another girl yesterday.

That's ridiculous. I laughed and told her she probably saw someone else and left it at that. Still, curiosity and dread clawed at me. Hoseok and I have been getting in more arguments lately- but surely he wouldn't cheat, right?

I went to confront him- no, no, ask is more correct- about my friend's suspicions. But he was so tired, I just sent him to bed. No doubt he had a long day at work. Besides, I trust Hoseok. There's no way he'd do something like that. The boy who was too afraid to kiss me on the lips he gave me a peck on the cheek? A cheater? Ha! I even laugh as I write this, it's so preposterous.

I'm sure everything's fine.

I hope.

Day 645

I believe Hoseok is cheating on me.

I can't even say it out loud and I'm writing it down.

We've gotten into a lot of fights lately, sure. How I'm too insensitive and don't take anything seriously, to how he focuses too much on work and doesn't acknowledge the hard work I'm putting in. It starts with the small stuff, like what Netflix show to watch, and it slowly escalates. It's been like this for a few months, but goddammit, I love him. I've been with him for so long.

I don't know what to do.

He's been late from work a lot more than usual these past few weeks. I didn't care- more time for me to be away- but then I got suspicious.

Today I found a pair of underpants that aren't mine. This red, skimpy thong. I haven't touched any of my lingerie since I moved in, I never felt the need to impress him after we began letting go. Lord knows he has. So I know it's not mine- and I'll be damned if he's wearing sexier thongs than I am.

No, I don't feel in the mood to be funny. I can't. I can't crack a joke and pretend everything's some comedy skit on SNL. My boyfriend of over a year is sleeping with another woman and it fucking hurts.

I think I'm going to go to bed.

Day 679

"Leave him," they say. "He's a cheating bastard."

I can't deny that bit. I know it- he knows it- we're just still pretending like we're happy. Of course, it's difficult with his dick lodged in some other girl's pussy.

We got in a fight last night and I was brought to tears. He went on about how I couldn't be serious for five minutes since I never seemed to be able to take things into account. I wanted to point out that he wasn't taking our relationship seriously- I almost did, too. I almost blurted out those words, called him exactly what he was, but I couldn't. I can't confront him. I just choke on my own words, as though I'm scared to admit it to myself.

So instead I leave, slamming the door behind me and going out drinking with the girls, downing my thoughts away as they repeat the same old words about how all men are trash.

I'm in the bathroom sobbing by the toilet as I write this. I still love him. How could he do this to me? I can't change who I am. What he once loved about me he seems to despise. He's sleeping right now- went to bed without waiting for me after we had a fight like he used to.

Life fucking sucks.

Day 700

He's leaving.

I heard him on the phone. He calls her 'baby'. I can barely recall the last time he called me that. He says the word promise a lot. She seems angry. I'm writing this as I listen through the landline. The idiot didn't even use his cell phone. He says it'll be in about a week before he breaks things off with me. Why hasn't he done it before if he truly loves this girl? He clearly doesn't love me anymore. Why does he stay? Why do I stay?

She doesn't believe that he's leaving but he keeps saying, "I promise, baby, I promise." I want to shout through the line that he hasn't kept a single promise he's made me, but of course, I can't do that. What mistress would care, anyway?

I wonder at times what she looks like. Sometimes I see a smear of her lipstick on our bedspread or a hair on our couch, and I find myself piecing together an image. She's pretty- prettier than me. That's for sure. She has to be if he's leaving me for her. I don't think I want to know, though. It'll make me feel more insecure about myself.

Maybe it was for the best. Both he and I were too stubborn to leave a toxic relationship on its own- so add a third party into the mix to act as a catalyst. Great fucking idea.

He's hanging up now. He told her he loves her.

It took him 117 days to admit he loved me. I wonder how long it took him to fall for her. To fall out of love with me. I wonder how many days it'll take for me to fall out of love with him. It feels like it'll be forever. I still flip my pages to the beginning of this little book, the beginning of it all as I recorded my- no, our journey together.

I guess it's appropriate this is where it ends.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

Day 707

The smoke from the back of the car makes you grimace as you stand stiff and cross-armed by the taxi, Hoseok lugging his suitcases and stuff into the trunk. He would get a friend to stop by tomorrow to pick up the rest of his stuff- assuming you don't burn it by then.

You had caught him packing last night when you finally confronted him, an explosive fight breaking out between the two of you as you both burst into tears. You at the fact he was cheating and leaving you, and him because of what had become of the two of you, how bitter and hateful you had become to one another. And then you both became hollow, cold shells to each other as he packed the rest of his things, getting up bright and early that morning to go to her place, to live there.

Your hands are shaking as you put your hand on his shoulder, and he slowly turns to you.

"Please don't try to convince me to stay, Y/N." His voice is hard and cold, and it makes you feel like an unwanted stranger. Perhaps you were. You barely knew the man before you. He was nothing like the man you had first met on New Year's Eve.

"I won't," you say softly. "I just wanted to give you... a goodbye present."

Hoseok pauses at that and turns around to face you completely, a small book in your hands. "What's this?" he questions.

You suck in a deep breath. "I can't bear to look at it- but it'd be a shame to burn it. You'd have better use of it than me, I think. It's my recordings of... the story of us, I suppose. What it was."

Hoseok's silent for a moment, staring down at the book. "I'm sorry things had to end this way," he murmured quietly, and for a second you're afraid he's going to cry again. Lord knows Hoseok was always a sensitive person.

You find a lump forming in your own throat. "I know you are," you simply say.

Hoseok opens the book to the first page, and you see him sniffle, a tear rolling down his face. Despite all of your friends screaming in your head to spit in his face and scream your head off at him, you see a sliver of the Hoseok you once knew, and you can't bear to show resentment at this moment.

"Day 1," he speaks, his voice cracking. "I met a boy today."

"Yesterday, to be more precise. Exactly 5 hours and 48 minutes from ago, from the moment that I'm writing down these words," you reminisce, quoting it word for word. "You don't know how many times I looked back at that first page, to the memory of when I first met you."

"I wish we could've started over," he said, voice a whisper as his fingers brush over the strokes of your words. "When did things change?"

"Keep reading and find out," you joke, hot tears rolling down your cheeks in fat drops. You feel angry. Angry at yourself for letting the relationship come to this- angry at him for cheating on you- angry, angry, angry. You brush them quickly, stepping back before he could even attempt to reach out to you. "It's a good story, through and through. It'll make for a good read in the car- since you don't get car sick, and all that." God, you remember how jealous you were when you found out that little fact.

There's a pregnant pause between you two.

"I'm still so, so sorry," Hoseok whispered.

For a moment, once again, he reminds you of Day 1 Hoseok, with those soft eyes and sweet expressions.

"Well, being sorry doesn't exactly fix anything, does it?" you spit bitterly, the anger rising once again. Hoseok didn't deserve a bittersweet ending. "It doesn't unfuck a girl, it doesn't erase months of lies, and it doesn't fix our relationship- more accurately what was left of it."

Hoseok doesn't say anything, letting you vent as you continued to berate him.

"I know I fucked up by putting work over you, but that doesn't give you an excuse to cheat. You said it last night- you should've ended things earlier if you really wanted to be with her. You just dragged me along- and despite what you think, I truly loved- no, still love, you. Otherwise, I wouldn't hurt so much. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed, cried, and fought for you. The fact I can't even mark that stupid little book shows that and more- and if you truly still don't believe my feelings, that book will prove it to you. Hundreds of days of you and I written there because I thought- I don't even know what I thought anymore. You're not the Jung Hoseok I fell for, and I guess I'm not the Y/N you fell in love with."

"Anything else you want to say?" Hoseok breathed solemnly, not even putting up a fight to defend himself. It angered you more that he wasn't fighting back, like your usual duals. He simply took it and stood there, not caring anymore. He couldn't even fight anymore. People only fought for things they cared about- and clearly, he didn't care about you anymore.

Yes, you want to scream. You fucked up. Badly. You're the antagonist in this situation, not me. You're the bad guy. We could've had a fresh start and worked things out- but you're the one who fucking fucked things up like the fucker you are. This is your fault!

"Nothing you don't already know."

Hoseok was tight-lipped, mumbling a goodbye as he left in the taxi, letting the story come to a close.

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paperclipninja · 5 years ago

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Younger post-ep ramble 6x05

If I wasn’t already excited about this episode, discovering that ‘Stiff Competition’ was written by Joe Murphy certainly would have got me there. Maybe it’s because he is a fellow Australian or maybe it’s because in every interview I’ve heard I find him utterly delightful and intelligent or maybe it’s because he is a damn great writer, but one thing is certain after this week’s episode of Younger: J. Murphy, I Stan (there was a time I might have been embarrassed about gushing so unabashedly but now I write weekly essays about fake people so I figure the shame level is zero at this point). This ep had the combination of playfulness, funny, flirty and drama that hooked me into this show in the first place and I feel like we got further insight into a number of characters, broadening our understanding of them and where they’re at. Plus kudos must be given for managing to use the title “Stiff Competition” and make the feature book “The Third Leg” in the same ep (one might even call it a riDICKulous feat…and no I’m not even a bit sorry).

A couple of weeks back I wrote about the Liza and Charles dynamic and how it really thrives on the build and resolution of tension. Up until last season it was the sexual tension and now that’s resolved there needed to be something to keep the fuel on the fire, so to speak. Cue the opening scene of this ep, with the competitive fuel well and truly lit and honestly, this whole scene just rocks my world. We had the drama building the past few eps with Charles being secretive and while that would’ve resulted in the destruction of the relationship had it been left unresolved, it has been used to transition into this next type of competitive cat-and-mouse style tension that the characters are embracing (at the start anyway) and using to their benefit and, let’s be honest, we all benefit because it. is. HOT.

Walking into the National Arts Club party very quickly establishes Charles as well versed at such an event and I am so into the immediate retort from Liza that feisty isn’t the ‘f’ word she would choose to describe Charles setting up Mercury. That does of course come after Charles introduces her to Michael Cunningham as his girlfriend which is just so bizarre to hear but also YES. Their banter, the competiveness in the art of the schmooze, bringing her A game; the whole thing set them on such equal footing and seeing them as ass-slapping sparring partners was something I never knew I needed and could have watched an entire episode of with its feature film feel (Kickstarter for a spin-off series of nerdy espionage-style escapades but about books and authors and literary events…and maybe the odd murder to keep it interesting).

While Liza was certainly showing that she can work a room, Charles’ reputation and professionalism was on fine display as authors greeted him warmly and Liza’s introduction of him to Meg Wolitzer as her boyfriend (seriously I’m living for these gf/bf drops) just got more and more awks as Meg and Charles clearly knew each other, Liza snatched his business card from his hand and then asked the photographer to identify him as her ‘guest’ in the pic (loved Sutton’s delivery of this and extra loved Meg’s ‘just pretend you’re talking to me’ to the rando so she could get away from the slightly unhinged antics of the editor she just met). Yet Charles is loving every minute of it and I so appreciate that now the whole Mercury situation is no longer a secret Charles is talking openly about it with Liza, evidenced by his telling her he received a message from Zane (about Mercury being highbrow/brilliant nonetheless).

Where there is highbrow there must be lowbrow (old tv proverb) and unfortunately for Kelsey, the head without a neck aka ‘a floating tragedy’, she has taken prime position in that quadrant of New York Mag’s approval matrix (can we take a moment to appreciate Liza’s ‘well it is a good picture of him’ remark re: Charles? Way to make your friend feel better but also lol and accurate). While I sympathise with how stressful it must be to lose authors, this ep once again highlights that our pal Kels is in quite the spiral. Luckily Liza has managed to pull in Chip and Joanna Gaines, I mean Hayley and Cameron Butler, who are promoting their cringe-worthy new book, ‘The Third Leg’, off the back of their New York Flip success. I heart the way this show parodies real people so hard.

I have said it week after week, but Diana has been such a scene stealer this season (Diana Trout proudly pointing out Shiplap, I don’t know why but this just made me grin). The writers keep bringing it with the lines and Miriam Shor’s delivery somehow magically seems to get funnier and funnier and her heart eyed gaze as she recounts her and Enzo’s third leg(s) (like a centipede…but also nothing like a centipede, speaking of A+ lines and delivery) was no exception. The whole pitch meeting was a bit of a train wreck, with Kelsey’s bitterness about the hot or not list spilling in, Liza’s attempt at diverting resulting in Diana railroading the entire thing and Liza wondering if she and Charles are in fact lacking the third leg (Empiriconda notwithstanding) that two home reno celebs have deemed a necessary factor in a successful r/ship (though theirs hardly seems the picture of happiness unless #relationshipgoals is taking jabs at each other through strained grins).

One relationship I am digging on every level is Josh and Lauren’s and this week’s ep gave us a mighty fine dose. Of course Lauren set up a GemmaLoves Insta and I’m 100% willing to overlook the slight ickiness of her pushing a SM account for the baby without asking Josh because it’s Lauren and she is sublime and also without it we would not have had THE film-worthy (minus the butt plugs) montage. I freaking adore that Lauren is so unapologetic about promoting stuff and getting freebies and Josh’s stance on not letting his daughter be a pusher for consumerism lasts approx. 25 seconds as Lauren points out all of Gemma’s favourite things that she will happily take back (Josh’s ‘but she loves it’ was just too good). Lauren’s declaration that both Josh and Gemma are gonna get free swag ‘and ya both gonna love it’ (the Eleanor Shellstrop vibe is strong and I approve) leads us into the shopping montage that made me want to dance around my lounge room and could sit comfortably in any rom-com from the late 90’s/early 2000’s. From ‘Baby Love’ to Josh and Lauren feeding each other cupcakes to that glorious moment of Josh parading back and forth on the pavement like a chorus boy, I bow down to Younger pulling rabbits like this out of the creative hat six seasons in, it was just such damn fun.

You know what else I adore? That throughout the series we have seen so many different aspects of Diana’s character and we just keep seeing more and more layers peeled back through her relationship with Enzo. I am so enjoying the side of her we see being open about her feelings for him when she’s around others, then the way she is with him; proud of their relationship then honest about her disappointment that they have to cancel dinner, rather than shutting down and pretending she doesn’t care. Enzo offering to buy Diana any necklace she chooses made my cold dead heart swell with the sincerity and sweetness of it all, but Diana revealing that she does not choose her necklaces, they choose her = the revelation I didn’t know I’ve been waiting six seasons to hear. Not to be dramatic but it felt like coming home.

Side note: I’m finding the parallels between the Diana/Enzo and Liza/Charles relationships really interesting. I don’t know whether it’s deliberate or not but these two couples navigating relationships in their 40’s, trying to strike a balance between career ambition and their personal relationships, I am beyond desperate for Diana to know about Liza’s age and for these two to talk about it all tbh.

Speaking of balancing career and relationship, can we please talk about the dinner date because sweet lawd, my heart was already full from the Diana/Enzo goodness, but then along came Liza and Charles with this whole out together with the authors situation and quite frankly, I’m surprised I survived. Bringing together the book and the earlier meeting was just so well done and the moment Hayley dropped the ‘and you’ and we discover that Charles had indeed gushed about Liza and their shared love of books as their third leg (still sounds weird and gross but totally worth it for the sentiment and post-dinner tie in), I too was staring at my screen the way Liza looked at Charles, but I was also a little bit deceased because I am romantic trash and him casually rubbing her back almost did me in.

I feel like each ep is adding another dimension to Charles this season and seeing him relaxed and candid outside the restaurant was certainly another insight into this character. The entire interaction between him and Liza was effortless and I love that it went from Liza ribbing him about using their relationship to secure the book to Charles being so frank about where it’s all at and how he’s feeling (and does anyone else hope a little bit that Charles does end up needing that room in Liza’s bed coz I am very on board with the idea of C. Brooks living in that loft for a while for many reasons). Bring on lusty Charles and I kid you not I let out a little scream of delight at Liza noting his excitement and then heading straight for the cab (yes Charles, she is just going to leave you like this). Thank you Joe Murphy for the ep and the book title combo so Liza could remind Charles competition is stiff out there while glancing at his crotch and telling him to take care of the third leg himself, you truly are doing God’s work. And I’m just all ‘round loving seeing these two adults in a relationship being flirty and lustful and open with one another.

I have to put it out there that Liza’s hustle game is so damn strong this whole ep and as she is questioned by Kelsey and Diana about how Charles is getting all these authors, I a) am very glad she does not blab, b) find it interesting that Kelsey assumes that Liza mustn’t know if she hasn’t told her and c) wonder why Liza is the only one who seems to understand that other publishing houses will be vying for books and that Millennial will lose some fair and square. But Liza once again has another potential author lined up in the musical prodigy turned conductor Gloria Rivera, but this is Younger, we’ve had lots of fun, flirty and funny, so it must be time for the drah-mah.

The moment Liza ran into Charles at the concert I think we all knew the competition might have just about run its course, and I had legit second-hand embarrassment as Liza so confidently gloated she had been in touch with Gloria ‘for months’ in response to Charles’ knowing her ‘quite well’, though Charles clearly wanted to explain further as he said he wanted to talk after the show before the lights go down and Liza needs to get to her seat. Insert appropriate amount of unimpressed for both Kelsey and Diana and it all goes south pretty quickly once Diana discovers that Gloria was the recipient of the Brooks family Arts Scholarship so knowing Charles ‘pretty well’ is a bit of an understatement.

Now I get that it must feel like a series of blows and I also get that we need a way for Kelsey and Diana to be at the axe throwing bar so that whole scene can play out, but for them to both bail on Liza and not even try to convince Gloria to sign with Millennial, I mean, you’re not going to get any authors with that attitude ladies. At this point Liza should just bail and start her own damn company, give it a great name starting with ‘M’, maybe Majesty? Mendacity? Or Mitosis and she can just expand quickly and open identical offices all over the place? Either way, Liza had no time for Charles’ girlfriend game post-show (and it is clear here that to Charles it is still just a game and he hasn’t quite clocked that to Liza this is her career being compromised).

While I think Diana and Kelsey leaving Liza to make a last ditch pitch to Gloria solo was a low blow, seeing them together, rage throwing axes while drunk (I both love and am terrified of the idea of people drinking and axe throwing in one place FYI) was pretty damn great. These two are always so messy together and Diana taking off her earrings and prepping only to have such a terrible axe throw was only surpassed by her saying that she tells people Enzo is a surgeon which is why he’s on call and Kelsey offering up that they both wear gloves. LOL. And Diana Trout peeing beside a dumpster is one thing I never thought I’d see on this show, yet here we are and her ‘I don’t know her’ and running away from the cop when Kelsey produces the axe was ridiculous and excellent and a great excuse for some chin-skin holding mugshots.

My one gripe at the mo is the ongoing distrust Kelsey has of Liza, first at the axe bar asking Diana if she thinks Liza is helping Charles land these authors and then when Liza turns up after Enzo has bailed them (can we just pause a moment to appreciate the ongoing mafia jokes since their first date and also Enzo calling Diana a jailbird and her smitten reaction. I heart it all). Seriously, this is just yawn at this point and while I get that Kelsey is scared (and thank you Liza for pointing out that she’s not the only one) surely Liza is over having to prove time and time again how loyal she is only to have Kelsey continue to question it? I know I am. Again, Liza – ‘Mitosis’. Think about it.

Our Maggie moment this ep is of course just prior to the déjà vu of Liza and Josh chilling on the couch with Gemma, a little throw-back to the cacao-induced dream from last season’s finale. But I gotta say, my heart hurt for Charles when he walked into that awkward af loft situation, because while I have no doubt that Liza is solid in her feelings for Charles, seeing your girlfriend in a super domestic looking moment with her ex has to feel like a kick in the guts. I want to bottle the look Liza gave Josh when he said ‘you two seem good’ because if I could whip that out on demand, it would be mighty useful.

The final moments of this week’s ep certainly heightened the drama all round. I feel like this episode really highlighted the insecurity of both Kelsey and Charles, which puts Liza in the interesting position of having to navigate this with two people she loves but also put her foot down for her own sake at some stage. Liza immediately quashes any concerns Charles may have about being in competition with Josh and uses the baby’s inability to talk ergo. steal authors as a way to broach the ongoing company rivalry. As Charles reveals that Gloria will be signing with Millennial, it is evident it is all still a bit of a game to him (though him saying that all he cares about is that he doesn’t lose her, ugh *heart emoji*) until his true take on it all is revealed, that he sees it all as shared victories rather than rivalry. Eeek, I tell you, I get and appreciate the dick theme of this episode but I struggle with the dick line ‘when you get to the bottom line, it’s still all me’ so much. I had an actual physical reaction to how awful this was and it certainly was not something I imagined this character saying. Yet I do think it also gives credence to the type of man Pauline said she was married to.

It felt insecure, like he was trying to talk himself up in some kind of misguided attempt to sound impressive, but it also was a glimpse of the man whose ambition contributed to the demise of his marriage. Pauline herself said that when they got married she thought they would be a team but right away it was all about Charles and she was there just to be his rock (S5E3). The difference now of course is that unlike Pauline, Liza has called him out on it and in the final second, the expression on Charles’ face (it’s gutted for those playing at home) is hopefully one of realisation that he is repeating behaviours of the past and that moving forward, we see that realisation play out and this character develop.

I have no idea how the rest of this season is going to play out but you know what all this drama and intrigue pave the way for? Growth. Liza’s growth as she becomes more sure of herself and her right to decide and demand what she wants and deserves, who she wants, what she will and won’t stand for, Charles to learn from past mistakes and work to redeem those and think about the kind of man and partner he wants to be, no character’s growth has been as glorious to see unfold up until now as Diana’s and I’m sure this will continue and Kelsey...well I’m sure hers will come. We’re almost halfway people and season six is proving to be quite the ride.

#youngertv #younger tv #ramble #review #6x02 #liza miller #charles brooks #kelsey peters #diana trout #liza x charles #diana x enzo #team charles #younger season 6

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kibanafuji · 5 years ago

Text

27/12/2019

sleepless nights, and then one more // ft. @obstatune

He’d let them see too much. A tired face he’d hoped they wouldn’t notice. But they did. He insisted it wasn’t too bad, but...

[nezu opened a new conversation with kibana]

[nezu >> kibana]: hey man [nezu >> kibana]: I mean this in the least weird way possible but I was actually really good at singin marnie to sleep if you think that might help, I’m actually pretty close by today

[kibana >> nezu]: gonna admit i did just picture full on screamo lullabies which would be interesting to say the least [kibana >> nezu]: ineffective but interesting

He thinks for a moment. The truth of the matter is that he didn't get any sleep. He's afraid it's gonna get worse, too.

[kibana >> nezu]: yeah alright [kibana >> nezu]: little sleepover, pay you back with breakfast, how's that sound?

[nezu >> kibana]: heh. I mean I probably could, if that’d help more. [nezu >> kibana]: sounds great. I’ll bring you some more salami too this time, slommy whore [nezu >> kibana]: I think they make vegan salami too. I’ll look. we can have a real rager with it

[kibana >> nezu]: omg your so woke king [kibana >> nezu]: slommy night with the lads

While he waits for Piers, Raihan is working on making himself look... slightly more presentable. He looked tired in that selfie but it's much worse in person. ... This is probably as good as he's gonna get. So long as he smiles, he won't look too... horrifically tired, hopefully. Oughta clean up a little too, while he's got time. He continues idly talking over Chattr, though eventually his messages begin to drop in frequency--- mind’s too tired to handle both.

[nezu >> kibana]: 😔👊🥖 [nezu >> kibana]: no salami emoji so we got bread [nezu >> kibana]: 🐉🥖🎤🥖

[kibana >> nezu]: just spent far too long trying to find this one mad lad meme and can't for the life of me find it wanted to send it like "let's recreate this but with salami"

[nezu >> kibana]: whatever it is I’m down [nezu >> kibana]: we could make the all women are queens video but with salami instead of light sabers

[kibana >> nezu]: i thought putting me to sleep meant letting me have a nap not euthanizing me via laughter-induced suffocation

[nezu >> kibana]: well you know what they say [nezu >> kibana]: if he breathe [nezu >> kibana]: ... [nezu >> kibana]: he’s a THOT

[kibana >> nezu]: by that logic if you die by suffocation do you get your virginity back?

[nezu >> kibana]: shit you know what I don’t actually know the logistics there

Piers is only a route over from Hammerlocke, so thankfully there’s no need to take a flying taxi to make it there. As promised, he has two varieties of salami in his bag, along with his ukulele and a blend of tea that always helps him get to sleep.

“Rai! I’m here!” He calls, but shoots off a quick text too, just in case.

[nezu >> kibana]: outside! And I picked up the slommy. in for a wild night I’m sure

Raihan is further inside, cleaning up his bedroom, but Flygon opens the door for him; it's done this before, even takes in packages for him sometimes. This is roughly when Raihan sees the DM, and mutters an "oh, shit."

Right, he guesses this will have to do-- his room isn't too bad, but it's messy by his standards... Whatever. He heads out to go open the door for Piers--

but Piers is already inside. And he hasn't put his "i'm not that tired" face on. He quickly remedies that, though, the moment his brain recognizes what his eyes took in. He's good at that, good at hiding. He just has to hope Piers didn't spot him before fixing it.

"'ey mate. Flygon let you in, eh?"

Piers smiles brightly as he sees Flygon open the door. “Heh. Didn’t bring Sylveon with me this time, so you can rest easy. Thank you, by the way.” He offers him a pat on the head.

It takes a minute or so for Raihan to make it in, but it’s immediately apparent how tired he actually must be, even from across the room. Piers pretends not to notice.

Raihan is like him. He doesn’t want anyone to worry about him. He’d probably outright reject Piers’ help if he knew he did worry.

“Ey! Yeah, hope that’s alright.” He pulls Raihan’s share of salami out, waving it. “And as promised!”

"Aww, hell yeah."

A grin stretches across his face but quickly transforms into a yawn that he hastily hides with his elbow.

"Right, gimme that, gonna deepthroat the shit out of i--" Raihan can't finish the last consonant before he starts laughing. There is one benefit to being sleepless: everything that is funny in the first place is infinitely funnier when you're delirious.

"Still couldn't find that picture, by th' way. Got Rotom lookin' for it, though I'm startin' to think I 'allucinated it." He waves Piers over to the kitchen, opening the fridge. Likely due to him simply being tired, he sounds more... Hammerlocked than usual. He's never been one to speak in any way that didn't come naturally, and his tone is exactly as it usually is, so it certainly still sounds like Raihan; but the difference is notable nonetheless. "Want somethin' t'drink?"

"Aww, changin' the subject because you can't deepthroat it?" Piers teases, handing off the salami before following Raihan into the kitchen. He's a lot better at hiding his concern than Raihan is at hiding the fact that someone should be concerned about him.

"Water's fine, if you've got that sort of thing in Hammerlocke." He says. "Otherwise, whatever game of thrones style norse mead you have in here'll do fine."

He looks back into the other room at Flygon, trying to gauge if Raihan's pokemon are worried too, or if this is something that happens often. "Whenever you're ready to sleep, too, we can do that. Don't feel like you need to wait up for me."

It's a testament to how out of it he is that he doesn't have much to say in response, just offering a few (genuine, but low energy) chuckles.

His Pokemon are worried, sure, but they seem too much like they know what to do-- be nice and quiet, leave Raihan mostly to himself, let him wind down, and hope he can get to sleep. At this point they even know to turn off any lights Raihan forgot about.

"Nah, was thirsty anyway..." He grabs two cups and since the fancy bastard has a fridge with a water dispenser and ice machine he's got two glasses of delicious, refreshing water in a jiffy. Hot water might make you sleepier, but god, there's no better drink to him than fresh cold water. He drank right out of a spring during winter once and it was heavenly.

He sets both cups down on the breakfast bar and hops up on a stool. He looks like he's about to say something but he's promptly cut off by another yawn.

"... Don't worry 'bout it, a lil longer isn't gonna hurt..."

Piers gratefully takes the glass, leaning up against the bar, well aware that Raihan’s stools are most likely specially made for someone who is 6’8. The last thing he really wants to do is flail around like an idiot trying to get up there.

“Not worried, really.” He lied. “Just puttin’ it out there. Don’t want you stayin’ up for my sake.”

He takes a sip. “I was serious about makin’ the thot video at some point. Maybe in the morning. Should do Uh...’numbers on the gram’ as the youth say.”

Snrk. "Gonna get liked an' 'retwittered' like crazy. Go totally 'infectious'. Definitely super hip with the teens, me. Know all the slang."

The stools do adjust, with the sole issue being that you've already got to be on it for you to lower the seat-- either that, or Raihan has to prop a leg up on it and hope it's enough weight that the lever on the underside will actually do anything. He doesn't plan on sticking around in the kitchen for very long anyway, so if Piers is fine with standing the dumb stools are staying where they are until he replaces them the second he gets the chance.

"Nah, just got a ritual, y'know? Like t'stick with it, even when I'm dead tired." The ritual is good, the routine is good. Pavlovian logic and a lot of melatonin are his main weapons against sleeplessness-- so long as he follows the steps, he'll get sleepy, and he'll hopefully fall asleep.

The ritual also helps him stay awake, when he finds himself not wanting to sleep. But not sleeping is easier than sleeping, no matter what he does.

He considers adding that he also needs a drink to take his sleep meds, but decides against it. Someone who doesn't regularly have sleep problems would get knocked out real quick with a dose of Benadryl, so getting to sleep would hardly be an issue. Takes more than that to down an insomniac dragon, though.

He downs the rest of his water, refills it, then with a short glance at Piers to follow along once he's ready, shuffles along towards the hallway leading to his room. He stops partway there, though, jerking a thumb at a door.

"Yer room for t'night, by the way." He opens it to let his guest take a peek-- a big cozy bed, what looks like a door to its own bathroom, even has a TV set up. "No game system in 'ere, you can 'ead out to the livin' room for that, if you want. Got cable, though!"

"Oh, that's what we call it! Perfect. I'll make sure to "retwitter" the video once it "gets contagious."" Piers laughs, only vaguely aware of the actual nuances of any social media platform besides Myspace.

Raihan looks exhausted, but Piers can't rush him, as worried as he is. Nothing keeps a person awake like feeling like they need to be asleep.

With a bit of relief, Piers follows.

He doesn't mention that the bedroom is bigger than the one he has at home, but he does smile. "That's perfect, thanks man. Hope I don't wake you up yellin' at the TV, though. Get kinda heated when I'm watchin' food network. Hopefully you've soundproofed the room. Heh."

Piers quickly thumbs through his bag and pulls out his ukulele again before setting the rest of his things inside the door. "I'll be quieter with this, though. No screamo lullabies, unless that's what you're into. I'd be happy to oblige if it was."

"Your surname secretly Ramsey or summat?" Raihan jokes. "Now that I think 'bout it, Gordon Ramsey'd be right at 'ome in Spikemuth, wouldn't 'e?"

He's definitely curious about screamo lullabies, but he's thinking too slowly right now to formulate a thought in time. He ends up just opening the door to his own room, and heading in--- and making a quick turn towards the bathroom, where he'd stored his sleep meds for tonight. Out of the way, so hopefully Piers won't take notice.

He'd already ripped the labels off of all the bottles that weren't prescription a long time ago. Just in case. He quickly and quietly swallows his nightly sleeping pill, and then quickly tucks a few tabs of melatonin under his tongue.

And then he washes his face and takes out his hair ties like that's all he was doing in there. He runs a hand over his hair sideways, to loosen up his dreads a little now that they aren't tied back, and walks back out to go take a seat on his bed. He's silent, hoping it'll be taken as him just zoning out due to sleep deprivation; in actuality, he's waiting for the sublinguals to dissolve.

"Somethin' like that." Piers says. "Fuck, he really would. I'd love to add someone like him to the band. Screamin' that much takes uh...lotta breath support. I could totally see it."

Piers doesn't look as Raihan heads into the bathroom, but he has some idea of what he's probably trying. Again, he knows not to address it.

Growing up, Marnie was a closed book. Piers learned quickly to nurture and protect the small bits of vulnerability willingly given to him without pressing. So if that's something Raihan wanted to talk about later, they would talk.

For now, he waits for Raihan to get out of the bathroom, quietly crossing his legs to sit on the floor and tune his ukulele.

"I have a list of songs I used to use, but if you had anything in mind, I could probably figure it out." He says, trying not to stare too much now that Raihan has his hair down. "And don't worry. I'm kind of a night owl myself, so I won't get sleepy on ya if this takes a bit."

"Nah, nothin' in p'ticular." The lack of enunciation is easily excused with him being tired-- honestly, it's actually influencing it more than the sublinguals anyway.

... He's really starting to feel like Piers is... noticing, though. That he can tell.

It's not the medication that he's worried about most. ... Honestly, if he happens to open his mouth too wide, he'd be downright enthusiastic to inform him he uses melatonin tablets, because those things melt into white goo, and even for a closed-off person like Raihan he'd rather confess to being an insomniac than look like he'd just taken a load in the mouth or something...

In any case, he'll have to hope he's wrong, and that he's just imagining it.

Right. He takes a moment, goes over things in his head. Did he forget anyth...

... Shit. He's only now realized Piers is sitting on the floor-- he forgot to get something for him to sit on.

... Too late now, though, he supposes. He feels bad about it, but... he does need sleep. And if he thinks too much, moves too much, he'll lose the chance.

... Oh, that's it. Something else felt off, unfinished-- because something had fallen off his bed, and was stuck between it and his nightstand. He puts the little plush Goomy back next to his pillow, where it belongs, and lays down on his side to face Piers.

Only as an afterthought does he toss a blanket over himself-- he'd prefer not to, he feels vaguely embarrassed about getting all tucked in and cozy so his mate can sing him to sleep when Raihan is supposed to be an adult (despite the fact he'd gladly do this for someone else and not see a problem with it), but... He's fucking freezing, and the weighted blanket helps him sleep, so he pulls it on. Casually, though.

"Mkay... Piers, use Sing... status move, but let's hope it's super effective anyway..."

Piers laughs. "All else fails, I'll go catch a Jigglypuff or somethin'. Shouldn't take too long."

He's plucking the strings softly now. For a few moments, it's just that. But then he starts to sing.

It's quite the opposite of how Raihan saw him sing before - his tone is airy and gentle, a sound that precious few have ever heard from him. Only Marnie. Marnie and Raihan.

The songs he wrote for Marnie are probably too much. Hell, they're too much even for her at times, and he has to tell her that he wrote them about someone else. So he sings a different one - a lullaby that doesn't ask anything of him. Doesn't ask him to lean on Piers, or to open up to him, or to let him keep him safe. He will if he wants to.

At one point, he fades out the instrument and sings by himself. Only for a verse. It's almost as though he got so lost that he forgot to keep playing. It's a choice, of course. But not necessarily one he planned before.

He wasn't expecting it to work so quickly.

But it does.

And quicker than he's experienced in years, he notices all the signs he's going to fall asleep soon, but without all the steps he usually needs to take-- no careful repositioning of his body, no focusing on thinking about one specific topic to keep his mind from becoming too busy and waking him up. No routine. A few minutes, rather than an hour or longer.

And yet, he's a little unhappy about it, if only for the fact that once he's asleep, he can't listen to him sing anymore.

His eyes are still slightly open, but a memory occludes his vision. The image is vague, but the feeling, it's nostalgic, warm-- he wants to remember clearer, he wants to see it.

If he closes his eyes, maybe it'll be...come... ... ... ... bunkbed, it's... the bunkbed...... he sees it now ... ... ...

Quiet, steady breathing, and nothing else.

(Sure would be a shame if that changed at some point.)

Piers sings a few more songs. Just as soft, just as gentle - making absolutely sure that Raihan is actually asleep. He's more than happy to keep going all night if he has to.

Once he's almost sure - he pauses, then sings one single line from Raihan's favorite song, Weenie Man. No laughter.

Confident that he was successful, Piers stands up and makes his way to the room he's staying in. He changes into the pajamas and slippers he brought with him, then tucks himself into bed and turns on the TV. Food Network. Cupcake wars.

He stays awake just long enough to root for the little vegan girl to win, then falls right to sleep.

Some hours later, the TV switches on by itself.

It isn't set to a channel, but the volume setting is rising without any input from the remote---

And then suddenly, it's playing a movie.

... Or, part of one.

Over and over and over again.

A character saying a single word.

"Help-- Help-- Help-- Help-- Help-- Help-- Help-- Help-- Help-- Help-- Help--"

It keeps it up until Piers is awake, and as soon as he is, and as soon as he's conscious, it begins flicking between different moments in the film.

"Rye-- Hann-- needs-- Help-Help him-- Please-please..."

"Wh...hello?" Piers calls out in a daze, almost certain he's having a nightmare at this point. But he rubs his eyes, and the TV is skipping.

It takes a few seconds.

Then he recognizes Raihan's name. But why--

...Rotom. It has to be that.

What an absolutely brilliant Pokemon. But he'll think on that later. Now, he's stumbling out of bed, still half asleep, and before he can even catch his balance, he's running right to his room.

Piers swings the door open.

It's silent.

Silent, aside from the sound of breathing-- quiet, very quiet, yet erratic in its tempo.

Rotom flies into the lamp on the nightstand and it flickers on. The light reveals Raihan; he's upright... somewhat. He isn't lying down, but he's hunched over, head in his hands.

Body, trembling.

Fingers, twitching.

Jaw, agape.

And eyes that are wide, wide open, but might as well be blind.

That expression of sheer terror, of horrified realization, isn't one that the foot of his bed could possibly cause.

"Rai..."

Piers should think about what to do next. Weigh what must be happening with what would be appropriate to do in a situation like this. Especially because he's never seen this happen before.

Marnie had nightmares. This was something else.

He moves faster than his brain can tell him not to. Before he knows it, he's kneeling in front of the bed, placing himself directly into Raihan's line of sight. He's unsure what to do with his hands - touching Raihan suddenly could startle him to the point of trauma, so he settles on resting them on the bed next to him.

"I'm here." He says softly, expertly masking the alarm in his voice. "I'm here, Raihan."

Not another one... Not another one, he doesn't want to lose another one... He only has so many left that that don't turn into that...

There are tears pouring from his unblinking eyes.

Eyes. Eyes Staring at him. Don't look ■•》~♤ie

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Don't look, please He doesn't want you to see him like this

...

Rotom is back in Raihan's phone. It's showing Piers a picture. Two, in fact. Instructions.

Rotom knows Raihan better than Piers ever will. Probably better than anyone ever will, save his other pokemon, possibly. So when it tells Piers what he needs to do, he only hesitates a bit.

He doesn't want to touch him without asking. But there isn't a way to ask. And Raihan is terrified.

So Piers swallows his inhibitions. All he can give Raihan is the best he can do. That's what he owes him. And if he's wrong, and Raihan hates him -

...

He takes one last look at Rotom, and then moves to the bed. He's shaking, too. But as instructed, at least he thinks, he gathers Raihan in his arms. Pulls him close. Reaches around to rub his shoulders.

"I'm not goin' anywhere." He says. "I'm here. I'm here."

Inhale... exhaleinhale in ha le exh ale

"..."

He's coming back. He's coming back now, back to the present, back to...

"... ■■■ie...?"

The first ■ letters don't make it out of his mouth-- and it's a good thing, too. He doesn't want her to see him like this.

Only those last two letters of her name make it out, perhaps aided by him suddenly snapping into

his room. Warmth. Embrace. P

ier

"... h...hhi...hhs...?" It's an attempt to say his name.

He's

...

God damn it.

He's got no hope of hiding. Every other time he's already hiding by the time this happens, but this time, he...

... He... ... ... This has all been too much for him Far too much

...

it's been a really long time since someone last held me after a nightmare...

...

Raihan moves his feeble, shaking arms, and he's suddenly, even suddenly to himself, clinging onto Piers-- Piers is shaking too, he's-- He wants to scream, but he doesn't want to and he can't want to-- A whimper, a very faint whimper, all he can manage--

"... nh..."

... pathetic.

Piers is really, really good at hiding what he feels. Even to himself.

He doesn't remember feeling after his mom's death. He remembers Marnie. He remembers existing to make life better for her. He remembers swallowing everything. Because if Piers doesn't hurt, he can't burden others with it.

But that was distant. The knowledge that she had passed was something he could separate from himself. This...

...This is breaking his heart.

Raihan clings to him, and he's sure he can feel the way Piers is starting to choke, too. Even then, he holds him tighter.

"Don't have to say n'yth..."

...His voice cracks. Piers takes a second.

He's an expert at this. Raihan needs stability, and Piers will let his lungs tear themselves to shreds before he denies him that.

"I've got you." He says. "You don't need to say anything."

But he wants to. He wants to, but he can't. It drives him fucking crazy. He can't stand it. He's so pathetic.

Rotom nudges his hand, knowing full well that there is a want-- but he can't get himself to let go, either, to take his phone and tell him what he wants to say.

He needs to calm down first.

Just... calm down. Calm down, ■■■ ■■■■'■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■... ■■■■. ■■ ■■ ■ ■■■■ ■■■■, ■■ ■■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■ ■■■■.

... But even when he starts to calm down, it just makes the sorrow deeper.

Another memory has been corrupted by... the other memory. Another memory, finite, only eight years' worth, that he won't be able to think about anymore, without also seeing that awful red splattered pooling on white

"...n... hh--"

He inhales sharply and grips Piers tighter. Raihan's body is suddenly very, very tense. ... No... no, no... have to stop... thinking about it.

Anything else, think about... absolutely anything else.

Piers keeps holding him. Even closer.

There's a lot he can offer him, but not yet. Not until he's stable. Now, he just reaches up with one hand and gently rubs the back of Raihan's neck.

He starts synchronizing his own breath to Raihan's - for the most part, that is. A trick his Sylveon used on him the one time he had a panic attack in front of her. Once they're synched, he starts to gradually slow his own breath down, hoping Raihan's might follow.

"Would it help if I sang again?" He whispers, nuzzling his face into Raihan's shoulder without thinking about it.

... 2 minutes, 45 seconds.

... It's excruciating every time, but that's a lot... faster than normal.

It helps that it's Piers.

Piers, of all people, he... He doesn't want anyone to know, to know, to know, but Piers has a little sister too Strong-willed, focused... A sister he cares about who he'd do anything for, protect no matter what, never ever make a mistake like raihan did Maybe even if he knew if he found out then at least someone would finally yell at him for being such a fuck-up that would be nice

... He doesn't respond. But after a while, his grip has softened, too. And Rotom comes back, and this time, he takes his phone.

He doesn't let go of Piers entirely. Rotom knows what he wants to type, and corrects it for him.

It soon floats over to show Piers what he wanted to say-- what he kept trying and failing to say, and what he wants to say now that he's calmer.

Piers nods after reading Rotom's note, but doesn't fully let go, either. He wants to stay, wipe Raihan's tears away, keep him company so he doesn't slip into a nightmare again -

...But that's not what Raihan needs. He might want Piers around, but he wants his dignity more. (Not that Piers would ever think less of him for this, or think him pitiful or pathetic, but he understands. He gets it.)

"You have nothin' to be sorry for." Piers says softly. "I mean it. You're the strongest person I know. That hasn't changed. I promise."

He does pull back, just a bit. Then, just to make sure this wasn't an issue of Raihan wanting him to stay but being too embarrassed to ask -

"I can go, if you want some privacy. But I'll stay if that'd help. Gladly."

His hands don't move. They give way with Piers's movement, but they don't let him go completely.

"..."

He closes his eyes, tightly. Tears had still been flowing quite steadily until then, but as soon as his lashes part back open, he isn't crying anymore.

He's not strong at all. Not when it's his own emotions. But if he's too weak in front of people, they're going to think he can't be strong for them. That they can't rely on him.

That's not an option.

... And now he has to consider if he'd seem less strong if he did ask him to stay. Even if he didn't talk at all-- not about what just happened, that is. Would asking him to stay be

... Piers probably... already thinks Raihan's weak, doesn't he? After all, he... he came here, and... ... Why does that feel a little bit... relieving? ... Must be because he's so tired. He'll... he'll fix it later. He'll try, at least. For now, though... he feels like if he isn't just a little bit selfish right now, he isn't going to be able to keep himself together for the rest of this awful, awful period.

He doesn't say anything. But he moves his arm, and he takes the glass of water still on his nightstand. It's still cold. Rotom flies off somewhere momentarily while he slowly takes a drink. He's hoping once he's finished, he can... speak again.

He's careful not to move too suddenly. It's obvious that this is hard enough for Raihan without Piers assuming what he wants or needs.

He doesn't press, either. Just sits quietly as Raihan drinks.

...

He wants to stay. He wants to be there for him. To take care of him. If it were his choice, that's what he'd take. But it isn't.

Piers doesn't know exactly what happened. Or what Raihan feels. But he knows, at least vaguely, what it's like to feel like he needs to hide it. And how that can override almost anything else.

He's silent, patiently waiting for Raihan to get his bearings before he tells him what he needs.

It's refreshing, and it clears his head a little. ... He's pretty thirsty, actually. He wonders why for a moment, but then he remembers he did just cry his damn eyes out. Shouldn't be surprising he's a tad dehydrated.

He... he's still having a bit of trouble. Come on, Raihan, get it together...

Rotom is back. ... Oh. It's possessing his Switch so it could carry it ov It smacks him right in the face with it.

"Geh!?"

... He has spilled water all over himself.

"... You're a little shit," he says, affectionately, a faint smile tugging at his lips as he gives the floating device a gentle bop on what he thinks is probably where Rotom's head should be--

... Oh. He's got his voice back.

... He's also... covered in water, but more importantly, he can talk.

"... S... sorry. Again." His hand travels upwards, rubs the back of his neck... and then Rotom sets its vessel down in his hand before popping out of it again, and after a moment's thought, Raihan speaks up again. "... Wanna play Snipperclips?"

With that offer comes the same friendly smile he's always got. The same tone, too. His eyes are still a little puffy and red, and there are still tears drying on his cheeks... and he's acting like nothing even happened.

If it weren't for the remaining evidence, if he'd had the chance to clean himself up a bit, no one would be able to tell anything was wrong. Not unless they knew him too well, or were too perceptive.

His will is strong enough to compensate, though, and he knows how to avoid giving a real answer without having to lie, either. Fake the vulnerability, only say as much as he needs to so he doesn't seem like he's trying too hard to cover up how he really feels, like he never feels less than good, because people wouldn't want to be helped by someone like that, but also make any problems sound like they aren't severe enough to warrant someone getting worried about him-- hopefully, at least.

you can still lean on me, see? i can pull myself together well quickly, so... even though i look pathetic right now, and even though i was pathetic earlier... i'm only weak when it's just myself.

"AAAah!"

He's not sure if this is the appropriate response, but he laughs.

He really can't help it. The water gets on him, too - not like it got on Raihan, but enough that it jolts the last remaining sleepiness out of him in one quick move. It's dissolved a lot of the tension, too.

Not that he was uncomfortable, but Raihan seems more at ease, now. That's what matters.

...

The thing is, Piers is that perceptive. (Music alone doesn't draw Team Yell to his side so loyally. It's charisma. It's empathy. It's being good with people.)

Raihan isn't okay. And this probably isn't the first time this happened. But the side of him he let Piers see a moment ago has been rescinded, and he respects that. If he feels safe, maybe-

...But he owes Piers none of this. So he lets it slip from his hands like sand.

"Snipperclips! Never played it, I'll probably be pretty bad..." He says with a smile. "Sure you could show me the ropes, though. Or wipe the floor with me. That might be more fun, actually. I'm pretty good at being a professional ego boost."

"... Pffhaha. Nah, man, it's a puzzle game, got co-op 2 player," he responds, then after a pause, grins mischievously. "Well, most of the time, it's cooperative."

Oh, he fully plans on attacking Piers the moment they clear the level. That's half the fun of Snipperclips: spamming the snip button until you clip so much off of the other player that they disappear, completely without warning at the end of every stage. Since Piers has never played it, he's not going to complain about always being the smaller-shaped (and thus disadvantaged for the battle) piece until it's far too late.

Yes, it's a little mean, and he doesn't deserve it, especially not after what happened mere moments ago.

... But come on, how can he resist? He usually loses the snip battle because he's so satisfied at the end of completing a puzzle he forgets that Leon's about to come at him like a fucking rabid weasel and literally tear him to shreds.

Raihan hops out of bed. First, let's pop the controllers off and stick the Switch in its little docket so they can play on the TV-- there we go. "'ere, pick what colour you want," he says, tossing the JoyCons in the general direction of the bed. They're a custom set, one controller being light blue and streaked with yellow and orange, and the other purple streaked with red and pink-- reminiscent of a sunrise and a sunset, respectively. Rotom flies towards the TV and disappears into the electronics again to get the console and game prepared for play.

A moment later, he also tosses a towel to Piers from the bathroom. Since he's already covered in water, it isn't much of a deal if he gets more water on himself, so he might as well wash his face again and make himself look less miserable.

Once he's done with that, he heads back out and walks to his dresser on the other side of the room. Wet clothes aren't very pleasant to sit around in, and he's soaked. So with very little thought about it, he pulls his shirt off. The motion flows in such a way he feels a bit of stiffness in his muscles, so he lets the action transition into a quick stretch, and the dragon tattooed on his back almost looks alive. The motion of his spine makes the dragon's body slither, the flex of his shoulderblades expands and collapses the wings; the artstyle isn't particularly realistic, but it doesn't have to be for it to look like an extension of his body.

He tosses his shirt in the laundry basket and starts rummaging around for a new one.

As Raihan gets up, Piers awkwardly looks around the room. It definitely wouldn't be weird to get settled on the bed, and it would actually probably be weird to dip down to the floor at this point, but it's not like Raihan actually invited him to sit there - then again, the bed is huge, and it's not like they didn't share a very close moment only a second before - then again, Raihan didn't ask -

...

Stop overthinking. Stop. Stop. Idiot.

So he turns, sitting up in Raihan's bed, facing the TV.

Yeah. That was definitely worth the stress.

Piers picks the purple controller, waving it a bit to get a feel for it. He's only ever played the wii. This feels nicer. "Heh. Got to get me one of these sometime. Didn't know they came in pink!"

The controller isn't even completely pink. Piers is just on edge.

...

Well.

Heh.

So, Piers notices the tattoo. It's gorgeous. It looks like it must've hurt like nothing else. It isn't surprising that he has it - but -

...Okay. He's going to call a spade a spade here. Raihan is hot. This is a secret to exactly zero people.

But Holy Shit, my guy. Holy shit.

Piers shakes his head. He's good at this, too. One moment of being completely floored by how attractive his friend is won't set him back too long. It happens.

“...That tattoo is sick." He says, hoping that the earnestness in his voice comes through as being genuinely interested in the artwork alone and not...well. The canvas it's painted into. "How uh...how long did that even take?"

"Oh, yeah, you can get 'em in all kinds of colours! Those ones're custom, though. I 'ave a few different pairs, sorta got into collectin' em. Or at least the ones that look particularly neat."

... Snrk. Yeah, he's got to wear this one.

He glances over his shoulder when Piers speaks up again, blinking twice.

"Oh, heh. Thanks," he smiles, running a hand over the back of his neck again. "Yeah, took a damn while. Not to mention I was 15, and... obviously, seein' as I don't have any others, my first tattoo. It's a tradition for us vault guardians to get one, though, so cool as it is--" He reaches behind himself and taps a finger near the tail of the dragon, where the tree branch blooms yellow, hanging above a field of purple flowers. "--that was the only part of the design I 'ad anything to do with."

Raihan tugs on the shirt he selected, and turns back ar--

Goku, lovingly embroidered over the right breast, stating "My Caprisun is MINE So eyes on your OWN WOMAN".

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd probably 'ave something similar even if it weren't part of the job. Definitely the wings, at least." He continues without commenting even a little bit on his choice of clothing, hopping up onto the bed and sitting cross-legged next to Piers. "But I'd like to get another, maybe somewhere a little more visible. ... And design the whole thing myself this time, too. Been thinkin' about what, though, and where. I got a few ideas, but... all the designs I've got in mind are pretty meaningful to me. Don't want to be haphazard about the placement, or the design, or in choosin' an artist."

Piers wonders if it would make him completely out of his mind to go ahead and get custom joycons and no switch. If he's going to be hanging out with Raihan more...

...That's assuming, again. Eh.

“Makes sense, mate. Don't think I could've handled somethin' like that at 15, though." He says. "Love to hear more about the vault sometime! Only know uh...well, what's made public. I know it's significant. And for a better reason than that fuck-ugly mural that used to stand in Stow-On-Side."

...Raihan is.

...

...He's really, really good at hiding. It's almost like what he saw didn't happen.

And Piers tells himself he's more than ready to move on with him. He's done it with Marnie before. And with himself, more often. But there is something in the room that hangs over them like a heavy fog. He keeps breathing it. Raihan isn't okay. Raihan isn't okay.

Shut up.

Let him wait until he's ready.

...

But...he won't be. Probably. Piers knows this.

Because Piers never was. And that's something he's only distantly, detachedly aware of. Like seeing someone in a dream, with a different face, and knowing them anyway. Seeing his own pain but feeling none of it. By choice.

By choice. Not for himself. For other people.

Shut up.

Two instincts are fighting tooth and claw inside of him. Both equally fed, both equally violent. Let him be, the time isn't now, and the person isn't you and please, please, please let me take care of you.

"Ay, I can give you the number of the girl who did mine." Piers says despite himself. "She might know a few other artists, even if that's not the style you're goin' for. I'm sure anythin' would look good on you, though. Especially that shirt."

The physical pain of the tattoo was little compared to how it felt when his sister was taken from him.

He chooses not to respond to the first remark.

"I'd love to!" ... pff. "If we were housing a slab of pavement with a child's chalk drawing on it that they drew in 1993 and treating it like it's actually got incredibly important historical value, I'd be destroying the vault, not guarding it."

Raihan isn't okay, but he doesn't need to be okay to convince someone he is-- or at least convince them to leave it be. Ignore the Donphan in the room until it gives up and leaves. It just takes patience. He has plenty.

"That'd be wicked," he grins. "Thanks, mate. ... You just put an idea in my 'ead about getting a tattoo of Goku and his Capri Sun."

The vault is locked shut.

#﹙IC.﹚#﹙DISCORD LOGS.﹚#obstatune #﹙182.﹚#very VERY long post under the cut

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stevenuniversallyreviews · 6 years ago

Text

Episode 90: Restaurant Wars

“Thanks for calling Fish Stew Pizza, we do fries now.”

After a streak of episodes about neglect, mourning, disability, consent, and harassment, I think I’m ready for a goofy one.

Restaurant Wars is the stupidest episode of Steven Universe, and I don’t say that with an ounce of ill will. I do say this with the knowledge that Say Uncle exists: non-canon goofs are what they are, but this story takes place in continuity so it is official that Steven once saved the boardwalk by turning his house into a restaurant and making better food than two food professionals. That will never again be a thing that didn’t happen in his life.

From the start, there’s no attempt to hide the silliness. The conflict begins with Fryman and Kofi screaming “RESTAURANT WAR” at each other and cutting to black. The episode is presented in a series of titled vignettes and never stops treating the Fryman/Pizza feud as seriously as a...

...I can’t even finish that sentence, the principal characters here are named Mr. Fryman and Kofi Pizza. We don’t even know Fryman’s first name, and Kofi’s last name is the word “pizza” and he runs a pizza shop. This is so, so, so dumb. I love it.

A huge strength of this series is its ability to balance depth with humor, the big term serialization with the normal daily life of a magical kid. It sometimes swings hard at plotty episodes, but rarely does it swing this far in the opposite direction. I’m not talking about Restaurant Wars being a townie episode, because plenty of townie episodes affect the overall plot and develop important characters. Steven’s connection to humanity is critical to his status as a child of two worlds, so while alien stuff might be cooler, there will always be a place for the mundane in the actual plot.

This is a matter of tone, and Restaurant Wars is the tonal opposite of a plot-heavy story that expands the characters and lore. Uncle Grandpa and Log Date 7 15 2 and Kindergarten Kid have a similar devotion to comedy, but we still get arcs for the characters within them. Nobody grows in Restaurant Wars. The conflict’s resolution is about returning to the status quo we saw at the beginning of the episode, not moving forward or learning critical information. The single consequence is that Ronaldo gets dumped by a girlfriend we didn’t even know he had until moments before it happens, which is just deliciously cruel.

This might actually be my favorite Ronaldo episode, if I’m including episodes featuring him on top of episodes where he’s the focus: it’s not that I revel in watching him suffer (not fully, anyway), but Zachary Steel is really good at making that suffering funny, from his livid “Do you know how much BLOGGING I haven’t been able to do!?” to lasting despair after his surprisingly real girlfriend breaks up with him. It’s a welcome change of pace from his smug buffoonery, and it’s such a surprising and mean joke for the episode to end without throwing him a single bone. This subplot alone is worth the price of admission.

The breakup, like everything else in the episode, borrows its tone from the cheesiest anime melodrama anyone could ask for. There may be a reference to a more specific show, but I’m frankly not huge on slice of life anime, and despite how much I love writing about Steven Universe I draw a line at doing extensive research about friggin’ Restaurant Wars. Regardless, we get the drawn-out gasps, the kabuki emoting, the dramatic camera flashes, the works. It’s not just anime stuff—the vignette titles evoke the sort of Ken Burns parody you’d see in a show like Community, let nobody say Lamar Abrams and Katie Mitroff don’t have eclectic comedy tastes—but even a casual like me can see the Japanese influence here.

This is the sort of episode that only works every once in a while, because it’s so much compared to the general mood of the series. I understand anyone who dislikes Restaurant Wars, because it’s really different and nothing happens and it’s unbelievably stupid. But dammit, I can’t stay mad at it. Its timing is perfect, in the middle of a stretch of Beach City episodes that have been varying levels of stressful. It’s not interrupting anything or wasting your time for a second by pretending to be anything it’s not. The crew just wanted to tell a stupid story about grown men feuding over who gets to make what food, and that’s okay.

It helps that we get a better look at Fryman and Kofi, two adults that Steven understandably doesn’t hang out with very often. We already know Kofi has a temper, but Fryman until now has been defined by his gruff acceptance of how weird the world around him is, and it’s fantastic to see him revved up. My favorite joke of the episode has Steven explain that Fryman’s supposed to do fries by acknowledging his name and absurd hair, only for Fryman to not realize his hair is shaped like fries. These ridiculous names and his ridiculous character design already exist, so they might as well be used for a ridiculous story.

To be clear, this better look doesn’t actually mean much for their characters, because in a normal episode I doubt Kofi would try branding people with an iron. Again, this isn’t an story about growing, so at best we understand by the end of it that these two take their jobs seriously, but that’s something we already knew. Perhaps it would be funnier to use more established characters for something this zany, but I think we benefit from the flexibility that comes with relative blank slates: Restaurant Wars was never going to be believable, but it would be even less believable if people we knew acted this out of character.

Their kids get a nice amount of focus as well. I love finally seeing Jenny and Kiki hang out with Ronaldo and Peedee, even in this situation. I get why they wouldn’t normally interact, as Peedee is an anxious kid and Ronaldo is Ronaldo, but these are neighboring families that each have two siblings who work in their dads’ food shops. Add in the fact that both families seem to have single fathers (although Jenny and Kiki are lucky enough to have the world’s greatest Gunga) and the Frymans and Pizzas have a lot in common.

Unlike their parents, we get grounded character moments here that show these four probably have some history together. The highlight is Jenny stage whispering her doubt about Ronaldo’s girlfriend to Peedee, who immediately agrees; these are people who are able to stand the guy enough to hang out with him, but know he’s usually full of it. Jenny gets a sweet moment supporting Kiki, and Kiki’s people-pleasing attitude might be “helpful” here, but her focus on the needs of others above her own will be addressed in our very next episode.

There’s really nothing else to talk about in an outing like Restaurant Wars, but I have two stray thoughts for this stray episode. First, I’m glad it happened after Greg got rich, because even if it’s not mentioned it at least adds some realism into the conversion of Steven’s home. Second, I’m baffled by the pairing of the mundane pizza bagel with the revolutionary fries filled with ketchup, but I’m not exactly gonna be taken out of the moment by a strange plot point here. I’m glad I live in a world where this episode exists. But I'll also be glad to get back to the actual show.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

This is by no means a favorite, and it’s not an episode I’m ever gonna rewatch outside of a binge or for reviewing purposes, but come on. It’s not hurting anybody.

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

No Thanks!

5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure

#restaurant wars #steven universe #su #steven universally #review

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writinginthenebula · 7 years ago

Text

By the hand of his God

Warning! This is very heavy, it has self inflicting torture, over loaded religion and much angst. Not recommended to anyone with triggers related to those subjects. VERY HEAVY.

--------

Every now and then, Fred wouldn’t leave his room.

Normally, those days were quiet ones. Weird, considering Fred was never one to talk a lot, or loud at all. But days without him seemed a little bit greyer.

Usually, those days would have his bedroom’s door locked. Not many knew what happened inside that room, but a few had a good idea, and they hoped their suspicions were wrong. But honestly, it depended.

It depended on the day, obviously, but it also varied in seasons.

The season when the door was locked more usually was winter. The less, spring. Every morning, Arin would wake up alone, and if he left his room and saw the door closed, his mood would be brought down immediately.

And he could only imagine what was happening and when Fred would get out again.

Those days, he was quiet. Quiet, not bright. He would talk soft, and give even Chad’s most depressed days the impression that they were nothing more than him bitching out. The bright persona would become dim, like the sun behind clouds of rain.

Henry would become upset to see his uncle like that. Ben would do all he could to cheer up his brother. William would normally take him out, Tris would try to wear funnier clothes, Rigel would talk to him about the stars. All of them had their fare share of way to help, but no matter what, Arin’s gaze always wondered to the stairs.

He wanted to know what was wrong. He wanted to gaze inside and help. But he needed to give Fred his privacy. But it hurt. It hurt a lot.

Inside the room, however, the days would vary.

Sometimes, it was the date of an important saint. Fred would recluse to his room, opening his closet and setting up his altar, before he would lay down all the corn seeds on the floor and kneel on them, the pain sending tears to his eyes.

He would remove his glasses, put them aside, and purify himself with his tears and a chaplet prayer. After he was done with the purification, he would stand and remove the corn seeds that stuck to his naked knees. He would remove the seeds and leave them to use later, before he kneeled again, now on fluffy pillows, and continued his prayers. He would pray for his friends, for his colleagues, he would pray for the wars and the hungry, for young, women, men and old. Then, he would hesitate, and pray for his parents, wherever they were. He would pray for his diseased family, for Gabriel, and then he would pray for Arman.

Praying for him was the hardest, Fred had to lean until his nose was touching the ground to have courage to do it. His heart bled out as he whispered his prayer, holding the chaplet so tight the marbles almost dug on his skin like the seeds of corn would.

After that, he lifted his body, and lit up a candle. He would watch it burn slowly, not moving, praying to he lord inside his head. After that was done, he would stand and go to his bed, to work or read a book, while he waited three hours to go by to repeat the same ritual.

Those were the good days. The days when Fred was proud of himself, days that would pass and make him content. The days when he would wake up next to Arin in the next morning, with the man deeply asleep, with the sun shining on his face without stirring his sleep.

But there were the bad days as well. Days where he couldn’t handle it.

Days when he had sinned so much he couldn’t handle not punishing himself for it.

On bad days, Arin would wake up alone just like in any good day. He would be confused, yes, and that made Fred almost stop believing in life itself. What was life about if not to make the one you love happy? If he couldn’t do that, what was his life for?

Yet, he left. He walked inside his room and locked it, leaving Arman outside, confused and alone. On bad days, he would remove the picture of his parents from his closet and stare at it. He would remember his mother’s words of hatred, his father’s painful grabs. He would remember how it felt to not have food for days, to be slapped and thrown and then respectfully having to sit down by the table with his parents and a few friends from church, who would bring their respectful son with no bruises under his white shirt, with no tuffs of hair removed from pulling, nicely hidden away by a good gel.

The tears that left his eyes those days were tears of hatred, and he made sure to sin a lot more wishing for their death before he would move on to his punishment.

Those days, he didn’t go too far. He would choose a saint of his liking, and pray for them kneeled on the corn, as usual. He would cry harder those days, because tears of pain mixed with tears of hatred. The words continuously stayed in his mind on propose, slapping him harder and harder until he was done with the chaplet.

Then, he would stand up and change the corn without removing the stuck ones, before kneeling down again. He would remain there as he read the passages of the bible he had separated for that exact occasion, out loud, listening to his own broken voice as he spoke, reminding himself of his suffering and how it was all worth it.

Once done, he would stand, and pray one last time before cleaning himself up and placing the bible and the chaplet away. He would live the rest of the day locked away, without food or water the entire day, working or reading, his mind in peace.

Those days, he would wake up the next morning without Arin, but would have his head clean and calm. He would make Arin breakfast and leave it on his bed before he would leave to work.

But even after that, there were also the horrible days.

Days that even Fred was ashamed to have.

Days where nothing worked.

Days where the corn dug too light, the tears weren’t thick enough to clean him, and prayers never seemed to reach anywhere.

Days where he could see his father and his father in front of him. Days when he felt little, when he felt so so small. Days when he would hear Gabriel’s screams of despair and he would scream back, but in silence, as strengths of the universe held him in place as the boys held him that day.

Days when his sins corrupted him so much he scratched his neck in search of a rope, or tried to find a hammer and nails to perforate his skin. Days when the sound of the door closing was enough to make him collapse on the floor, crying enough to soak the carpet, and his hand would reach under his bed.

Those days, God wasn’t watching. God was ashamed. His face, turned away. Those days, Jesus and Mary left him to his privacy. The saints pretended not to notice. Those days, with the devil nuzzling on his neck like a lover in their deepest desire, whispering to his ear like a slut in a club, and he was always so close to giving in. He had already given in.

His devil had a sweet voice, the most beautiful smile, and a hair that shone like the sun. And he was sleeping just outside, with the sun made by God showed his true form. But it wasn’t his fault. It was Fred’s. He was weak. He was impure and dirty and wrong.

Arin had nothing to do with his mistakes.

Those days, Fred would kneel up, and remove all his clothing. He would close his eyes, and feel the burning of hell around his skin, enveloping his body like a warm embrace in the cold air. He would let himself feel it, for a while, until all his tears had dried, the apparatus already on his hand.

When the burning reached his mind, he would scream, and his hand would move on its own.

The whip, with ten ends and three hooks in each end would come clashing with his white skin, irregular and massacring. He would hear his father’s screams and scream some more on his own, his mother’s voice and he would cry.

And after there were more than fifty slashes of open flesh on his back, dripping the thickness of his blood as he purified himself, he would see like a dream God watching him. Whispering at him. Holding him like a desperate child, and he would feel in peace.

Those days, he would pass out. He would fall, face first on the carpet, and leave his back dropping blood until he woke up again.

He would have no courage to clean himself. He would stand, tired and in pain, and walk out of his room, head low, whip on his hand.

Before he could make it outside, a hand reached for his chin and lifted his face, making him stare at the sight of the son of God himself, with the most worried brown eyes, the most beautiful golden hair, the softest hand. And he wouldn’t cry, because he wasn’t ashamed. He was pure now, and now he was deserved.

Trembling lips would touch his and his eyes would close in pure bliss, feeling the warmth and the purity of the touch, and he would know that God was looking after him again.

“Come on Freddie. Lets get you cleaned up”

And how it felt amazing, to be cleaned by the hand of his God.

#fred #arin #angst #torture #self inflicting torture #religion #heavy religion aspects

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pigfartsitsonmars · 8 years ago

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The End of an Era

I will start off by saying this is going to be a very long blog post #sorrynotsorry. Today is the final day of #Sourcefed, #Sourcefednerd and various other shows on the channels. I am so sad to see it go. I subscribed within the first week and have been watching ever since. You go through fazes over the years and sourcefed was a pretty strong force in my life for many years. They made me laugh, they made me cry, and most important they gave me people to look up to and admire when i was younger. Being almost 25 now i’ve grown with a lot of the hosts over the years and i don’t regret a single moment of it.

Now to write about how each host changed my life and some of my favorite memories. To this day and continuing on i will watch and re-watch all of my favorite episodes forever. (That’s the great thing about the internet)

Joe Bereta: When you started (and kinda throughout) you were labeled the jock of the group because of how athletic you are (which is mind blowing) but you were always so much more then that to me at least. I originally saw you on Barets and Beretta and since then i was smitten. You are incredibly funny and charming, and oh so handsome *wink*. You have this amazing gift to make people laugh and a work ethic i hope to one day achieve. When you left originally i was very sad. I still to this day miss seeing your face on my computer screen filling my days with joy. Some of my favorite memories are your many stories on the horrific ways you should have died (The canada story is my favorite) and the amazing relationship you had with all the hosts (especially the holy trinity of you Elliott and Lee) I love the work you are doing now and I know so much greatness will come to you.

Elliott Morgan: You have an amazing gift that no one else can match, your comitic timing is amazing, you are incredibly smart and witty and you are so damn perfect it makes my head hurt. I cried so hard during your last episode of comcom because i was so genuinely sad to see you go. However i still love your personal channel and I love the podcast with Lee (Oh and cant forget the excitement i had seeing you both on lipsync battles) I just wanted you to know how incredible you truly are. You may think that when you started everyone hated you but i loved you. (p.s. i’m single...your single. hit me up lol kidding) I am so excited to continue to watch your journey through life cause i know you are going to do such amazing and creative things. One of my all time favorite moments on sourcefed of you was the BooBee’s joke (don’t know why but it still makes me laugh) or your story with the detergent. both amazing and weird moments but perfect none the less.

Lee Newton: You are one of my biggest inspirations in life, you prove to the world that you are here to take change. There was not a lot of girls that looked like me when i was younger and then you came around and blew me away. Your beautiful you are so incredibly funny (and you influenced my jokes and proved that women can be just as funny or funnier then the men) When you left a small part of my heart went with you. But i know that it was the best move for you and now you can concour the world and take names while you do it. I just want to thank you so much for everything you have brought to my life and helping mold me into the person that i am today. I love you Lee. And good luck with the wedding (I loved the invitations). My favorite sourcefed moment with you would honestly be any truth or dare and i love your mad hatter and wrestler characters.

Steve Zaragoza: You are so wacky and crazy and just such a joy on the world. The knowledge and enthusiasm for all things nerd (especially the movies) is amazing. You bring just a joy and light to this world and i am really going to miss all of your dick and fart jokes. I know i will see you on other things but not seeing you in that building is going to be so hard. but i know that you are just going to take the world by storm weather the world wants it or not. My classic steve memory will always have to be “what is that a coffee machine” I know its not original but it is classic. Or of course Ben Franklin Time Traveler.

Trisha Hershburger: You are gorgeous and amazing and had a baby like 2 seconds ago and look like when you first started on sourcefed (which is incredible to me) You proved it was okay to be a nerd and a geek as a woman and i thank you for that. You brought a structure in the beginning which i think is super important especially at the beginning where you were all just trying to figure things out. I have loved seeing you thrive outside of sourcefed (as hard as it was to see you go) and see you meeting your dreams you always wanted to concur. Your little boy is amazingly cute (but who wouldn't have guessed that that was going to happen) and i’m just excited to see where life takes you. My favorite Trish moments were when you were on table talk and my favorite saying has to be the “no no” I use that on the daily and have for years now because of you.

Meg Turney: You are such a firecracker that brought so much love and knowledge to sourcefed. You introduced me to tons of anime i may not have ever seen before and gave light to the amazing-ness of cosplay and knowing that its okay to be your weird self. After seeing you i dyed my hair red and wanted nothing more then to be like you. When you left it was a different feeling for me then the others leaving simply because i knew you were going to Rooster Teeth and i would get to see you again and somehow being even more awesome as if that was possiable. My favorite memory involves you and Joe at the very end of a table talk when you and Gav were still in the early days Joe informed you on how #turnfree was not your ship name but that is #Gaeg or #Gag however he wished to spell it im not sure, however it made me laugh so hard and now i cant refer to y’alls relationship as #turnfree. And even though you left Rooster Teeth as well (which i a whole other blog post) I still will continue to follow and love you and perv out on your modeling pictures.

Ross Everett: You got shit on so much when you worked for sourcefed but i think that was so unfair of people to do to you cause you are very funny and creative. You brought a very different energy to the group that i think was needed and you are amazing. My favorite memory is the joke of you dating trisha’s baby and it made me smile so hard in the last table talk to see you finally see her baby. I also loved your periscopes.

Sam Bashor: You are the cutest little dork in the entire world. I feel like i grew up with you being similar ages and i loved watching you grow from a young little boy in a bow tie being the sweetest little guy in the entire world to this man that is so incredible and funny. You made it okay to be so into nerdy things and for that i thank you. I cant wait to see where this world will take you cause i know you will only do amazing things with your gifts. My favorite memory has to be any time you are with Maude (duh) and of course Sam chats and Sam has a point on the podcast. (And the Smaude kiss.....DAYUM)

Will Haynes: Like Sam i watched you grow up from this awkward little boy to afraid to be himself and grow up into someone who simply doesn’t give a fuck and has been truly incredible comedian. You finally found yourself which is amazing and i’m so happy to see this side of you. I have loved seeing your fazes and seeing the other more senior comedians helping morph you into the person you are today. I cant wait to see what you do next.

Matt Leiberman: You brought something very different to the group, you were not afraid to be yourself and unashamed of who you were. You were an amazing host and incredible cook (which i always made the mistake of watching when i was hungry) and you are just such a sweet man who wants the best for people. You and your girlfriend are the cutest and i’m excited to see what comes next in your life.

Maude Garrett: You brought a new light to the new gen of Sourcefed Nerd. You are unbelievably stunning and amazing and so apologetically nerdy. I was never really into DnD until i saw you as the mauderator and you showed me a great and fun way to enjoy DnD, I’ve missed seeing you regularly on the channel but i know that one day you will take over this world and we will see nothing but you. Because you are simply that powerful and amazing. (Sidenote: The Smaude kiss at 1,000,000 was to

Steven Suptic: You are probably one of the weirdest people on this planet in the best way possible. We have very similar senses of humor and dont mind being the butt of the joke sometimes. You are one of the only people i think that would openly piss there own pants in a serious moment just for the giggle (i’m going to pretend it was on purpose in the last table talk) I loved you on Super Panic Frenzy with Reina and the podcast was the best. I know you will do great things with your channel and now you can do more stuff with the Mindcrackers on the plus side.

Whitney Moore: You are just the most beautiful little pixie i think i have ever seen. You are so goofy and funny and quickly became one of my new favorite hosts. You have a corky edge to you and yet somehow so very cool at the same time. I love your sense of humor and i just think you are incredible. I know that this will only be a stepping stone in your life and i’m interested to see what is next for you.

Bree Essrig: You I have been watching for the longest back in the old days of youtube seeing you with Shane Dawson and Steve Greene, you have always been able to put a smile on my face with the different characters you play. You are not afraid to be “one of the boys” for lack of a better phrase and you were someone i looked up too when i was a young teenager just trying to figure myself out. Then you moved to pop trigger which you were amazing on you had me in stitches anytime you were on, and then when you got hired to Sourcefed I was so giddy because I had followed you for so long and just watching you change and grow over these years has just been a blast. I can’t wait to see what weird shit you and Steve decide to make cause you are really the best comedic couple and i’m sure whatever you do it will be amazing.

Mike Falzone: You like Bree i have been watching for years I believe since around 2007 i believe which is crazy to think. Your stand up is amazing you have such a cool air to you (even when you are geeking so hard about Wrestling) and you are unbelievably talented. And on top of that being an incredible musician it is unfair how talented you are and you are just going to keep growing and growing and doing bigger and badder things all the time. My favorite memories is just seeing you riff off of Steve and Elliott the three of you is just comedy gold.

Ava Gordy: I may not have known you for as long as some of the other hosts however your impact was still just as grand. You seems like such a sweet and compassionate person who really cared for those around you and still did everything in just such a funny way. I will admit i haven't seen every video you have been in but now i have time to go back and look at all of them and i’m pumped because you are incredible and just deserve the best in life. And I loved you in the people be like episode about Netflix and Chill

Candace Carrizales: You also I have may not have known as long as the others but you can keep up with them just as well. Its hard being the youngest sometimes but you didn’t let it stop you.My favorite video has to be your two truths and a lie with Steve and i bought one of those ginger drinks after just cause i was curious and you were completely right. You are a delight and brought some more fun energy to the gang. I like your don’t give a fuck attitude and you are just gonna continue to grow and be amazing

And lastly

Dani Rosenberg: I couldn’t not mention to you in all of this you have been the rock in all of this and keeping people from destroying everything. Not only do you keep Phils shit together but then you deal with all the people at Sourcefed and Sourcefednerd which i am sure is almost an impossible task. You have been a strong force behind all of this and i don’t think you get the credit you deserve you are amazing and beautiful and one of the most bad ass people on this whole planet. thank you for being you. And may i just say whenever i saw you in a thumbnail for table talk i have never clicked harder and faster then in those moments.

Final thoughts... One i’m sure the last 3ish hours i spent free handing this at work was well spent. I am going to miss these channels and people so very much and i cant tank each and every one of them enough. I love you all from the bottom of my heart and i hope to see you do the incredible things i know you are capable of. Good luck in future indevers and i will still go back every day and re watch the old videos cause they are still hilarious and can make me smile at the drop of a hat. thank you. also if my grammar sucked i apologize 2 hours of sleep and just writing as i went along.

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tessatechaitea · 4 years ago

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Justice Society of America #4 (1992)

Ultrahumanite exhibits all the characteristics of a man happy to be reunited with friends: cheerily laughing, bright happy expression, hands on hips, weirdly-shaped massive hard-on.

Forgive me for the erect penis joke but I felt it was in the tradition of Grunion Guy. You might find it funny if you knew how uncomfortable it made me to type it and how worried I was for a second that my mother might see it. But then I realized that if my mom saw it, it would mean my mom read Grunion Guy's blog, and then I almost threw up. That would be so embarrassing! Normally I would be on the side of the Justice Society of America because they are the good people with the good values. But how good are their good values if they are trying to stop a job creator and upstanding corporate citizen like Ultrahumanite who is just trying to run his Ultragen business the best way he knows how: with stormtrooper bodyguards to defend labs where they experiment on animal-human hybrids? Anything that hurts corporate profits is a bad thing for capitalism and the Justice Society of America should know that, being that they have "America" right there in their name. Although they also have "Society" in their name and that is a bird whistle for socialists. The bird whistle is the dog whistle of the left because it is more pleasant to listen to and it isn't aggravating or obnoxious and it makes the world a better place for everybody (except people who hate birds and probably own guns to shoot those stupid birds. Stupid birds. So dumb).

Oh no! Nobody warned these old timers that we aren't doing prison rape jokes anymore!

Wildcat has some great words of wisdom in that previous panel. It is the most scienciest science statement I have ever read (unless it was the mathiest math statement): "If X did not happen, Y would have happened! Thusly I have proved we are better than you! QED! In your face, Ultrahumanite!" Whenever I would lose a game of Dungeons & Dragons with my friends Bullpup and McGroover, I would say, "Oh yeah? Let's see you make a delicious sandwich!" Then they would back down and they would be all, "Yes, you are correct, Pickle Boy. You are the better friend with the most useful skills and we are only good at pretending to slaughter Kobold families for copper coins." That's pretty funny if you realize Dungeons & Dragons is about adventurers invading the lairs of creatures to steal their material possessions! Doctor Mid-Nite does not quip with the others because he might be dead. Do not forget these guys are really old! It does not matter how many muscles they have or what kind of cardio breathalyzer tests they can pass; they still have super old bones and a lifetime of clogged arteries. One slip or the slightest bit of extra exertion could mean Stroke City or Brokenhipsville for these cool cats! That is old person slang! It is very humorous!

Now they goof on his stutter? I am beginning to wonder who the real villains are in this story!

Look how happy the Ultrahumanite is! And these old guys have been nothing but bitter, cynical old winds from the butt! Plus he is a successful businessman and scientist who has created life! It sounds like he has turned over a new leaf now that he no longer has to steal bodies. I am not ignoring the laboratory full of hybrid creatures; I'm just going to assume that they were all volunteers until it is proven otherwise. You cannot go through life never eating the buttered bread that fell on the floor buttered side down! Ultrahumanite decides to recount his past for some reason. This made me laugh because I was thinking, "Yeah! They are old men. They cannot remember stuff from so long ago and also they have enlarged prostates!"

But which is actually worse: making fun of somebody's disability or sympathizing with Nazis? I've got some hard questions to answer!

Some things are unforgivable but one thing I think we can all agree to forgive is a hot woman who sided with the Nazis.

How does a huge ape body reflect the Ultrahumanite's desires? Please do not answer, "He loves to copulate with monkeys," because that's what I an suggesting by the question and you would look like one of those fools on Twitter who thinks they are hilarious by restating somebody's joke in a less subtle manner.

Ultrahumanite continues to explain how he became such a pillar of the business community. It is as boring as you would expect a PowerPoint presentation from a business man would be. That was probably the joke! Why is not the trademarked name "PowerPoint" two words? If you are going to bother capitalizing the second "P", you might as well just separate the words. Maybe it was somebody's online name when they were fourteen years old. It is always a smart decision to just run the two words together rather than separating them with an underscore. And it is easier to read when the second word is capitalized (as opposed to every other word capitalized or just the consonants. I do not understand young people). Nobody remembers to put underscores in when searching for a name online!

"Ultrahumanite! You are experimenting on innocent people, ruining the environment, causing unknown amounts of damage to the populace of every city where one of your labs operates but Ted Grant and the world just want to know one thing: was that hot Nazi body the real you because 'Rrrrrow!'"

You think I am making a joke but I don't joke about things that I don't joke about and one of those things is that Ted Grant has previously expressed interest in cultivating an intimate relationship with hot Nazi Ultrahumanite. Specifically, he said earlier that she "swept him off his feet." He only used that phrase so Al could make a joke about how they were hanging upside down so the sweeping off of feet is still happening. But I think, in his heart, he wanted to say, "She made me spontaneously become a man every time we wrestled. Is that okay under the Hays Code? Can I get away with that amount of innuendo?!" The Ultrahumanite has to go deal with The Flash who has literally suddenly appeared. Weird how the word "literally" is never actually needed when it is used properly. I guess using it in a hyperbolic and exaggerated fashion is really its only job. While Ultrahumanite is gone, Doctor Mid-Nite "double joints" his wrists to escape. I'm pretty sure Grunion Guy's wrists were double jointed by the amount of times he wrote about masturbating. He was a crude jerk but I still hope he rests in peace in that pauper's cemetery down by the toxic sludge factory. Doctor Mid-Nite takes on the guards while The Atom and Wildcat rush out to save The Flash who is The Flash and almost certainly does not need saving. While Doctor Mid-Nite is beating up the guards, he suddenly becomes a stand up comedian. Was I wrong to assume he was an actual doctor? Is that just his stage persona? I would tell you why his jokes were funny if they were but I cannot figure them out. Why is this an old joke (and if it is, why would he even retell it when it is nonsense): "I know you're out there because I can hear you breathing"? The Flash gets encased in some living green goo that absorbs heat and kinetic energy which might also be a definition of heat? I'm just a sandwich maker slash writer's assistant who has never once showed an ounce of curiosity about the real world so forgive me for languishing in my ignorance. At least I own a thesaurus. Back in Gotham City, Jesse Quick appears for a page or two to remind everybody that she exists. "Hello! I am the hot daughter of the infomercial guy! I have also deluded myself into believing a mathematical equation gives me super speed! It makes no sense!" Jesse takes some papers proving that Ultragen is breaking laws so the JSA has the right to beat the crap out of its CEO. For comedic effect, they have a little more confusion over Ultrahumanite's pronouns (which, to be fair, he has not expressed any preference for and doesn't seem to mind using whatever pronouns match the gender he seems to be expressing) before rushing off to punch her in the face. I don't know what pronouns to use either but she was a super hot Nazi so let's just go with that one.

See? She is a scientific genius!

At first I was all, "Oh, big deal! So The Flash is trapped in goo!" And then the Ultrahumanite was all, "You cannot breathe without oxygen!" And then I was all, "Oh no! I had not thought of that! Somebody save him, preferably an old guy from the JSA or I will feel cheated out of my hard earned buck twenty-five." I keep laughing at that previously scanned panel and how Wildcat and The Atom are hiding behind trees the way characters do in comic strips. So ridiculous! It is even funnier if you remember that they are old men! I bet you are laughing a lot more now! Doctor Mid-Nite arrives because he "smoke bombed" with his previous stand-up gig. Get it?! If you understood the play on the word "bomb" there and that I meant the fight against the guards when I said "stand-up gig," you would be cracking up like crazy!

Yeah. A smoke bomb! We all know that is where he keeps them!

The Flash breaks free and Doctor Mid-Nite punches Ultrahumanite in the nose, breaking it. Ultrahumanite is so vain that he falls to the ground, defeated! And that is when the Calvary arrives! That is funny because I used the wrong word and now you are picturing a crucified Jesus riding up on a horse to save the day instead of Green Lantern, The Flash, and Jesse Quick arriving on a Green Lantern construct! Justice Society of America #4 Rating: A. I have not read as many comic books as Grunion Guy but this one seemed pretty good in comparison to the ones I have read, like WildC.A.T.S. #1 and pick any issue you want of Youngblood. One more "What gender is Ultrahumanite?!" joke for the road!

Alan felt this was the kind of thing a heterosexual would say. It's funny because he "New 52" comes out of the closet later!

#Justice Society of America #DC Comics #DC #Len Strazewski #Mike Parobeck #Mike Machlan

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