#but it's telling to me that transmasculinity never comes up At All

[genderkoolaid]

on this note: how much transmasculine history is hidden within stories of "warrior women" that no one bothers to consider from a transmasculine perspective

whenever i look into cultural/historical third genders my first question is always "okay but where are the people who were assigned female" and my second is "if they aren't being named, why is that?"

[ihavenomouthandimustmouth]

It seems like a lot of the anti-transmasculinity/transandrophobia discourse revolves around the ideas that either this does not occur, does not occur in real life, or is just transmascs viewing criticisms of transmisogynistic transmascs as oppression, so here’s a story.

I live with some other people around my age, and I stopped using my deadname with them earlier this year. it hasn’t been that long, about 3 months, but generally, they use my correct name with an occasional mistake, usually followed up by a correction. one of them, however, just cannot seem to stop deadnaming me, often without correcting afterwards. when they do notice they’ve gotten it wrong, it’s usually followed up by a big thing about how they don’t know why they’re so bad at it or blaming it on being drunk if they’re drunk, but often not an apology.

an additional piece of this—my partner, who is a trans woman, changed the name they use around the same time, but this person almost always gets her name right. this person knows me a bit better/longer than they do her, but not that much better/longer, and generally, when I am around them, my partner is also there. (adding a cut here because this is gonna be long)

I talked with my therapist about this at my last session. I was seeking advice on how to handle it, but I also spent a lot of time just complaining and running through different incidences of this happening. I ended up telling her about some of the weird things this person said to me when I first started socially transitioning, including them saying that they were sad when I came out because they (direct quote) “didn’t want to stop seeing me as a genderless elf” (???!?) (I had previously identified as nonbinary and used any pronouns) and followed that up by saying that they hated men, which they then followed up by saying “not trans men though” (which like okay but then why bring that up in this conversation).

In talking my therapist, I circled back to the deadnaming issue and said that I thought this person was doing this to me and not my partner because my partner is more feminine than I am masculine (in social behavior and the way we look as two people that have not started medically transitioning). my therapist pushed back on this and said that, based on all the things I said, it seemed more like this person just didn’t want to see me as a man.

this blew my mind a little because I, a transmasculine person who spends way too much time on trans and transmasc internet, did not put the situation in this context while my therapist, a cis woman who is supportive but not super aware of the trans experience, did. it made a lot of sense though, and fit into the context of my other experiences and interactions with this person.

this person is a nonbinary person who has never identified as or been seen as a man. they are supportive of trans people generally and of their rights. they are also someone who believes that woman are inherently better than men. this generally doesn’t have much of an impact on the cis men we live with—for them, this more comes as being around for jokes that might make them a little uncomfortable, but doesn’t stop them from being seen as men. for me, this means I have to deal with the fact that this person doesn’t want to see me as a man and deadnames me accordingly, seemingly because they see me transitioning as a loss.

my point here is that when transmasculine people say that there are issues they face specifically related to them being transmasculine, that’s not a lie or a hypothetical. there is a stark contrast between the way this person treats my transfem partner and myself (and, after talking with someone who’s lived here with this person for longer, other transmasculine people who have lived in the house). they are supportive of trans people as a group, but not of transmasculinity, and I have to deal with the consequences.

[vaspider]

Last year I wrote about what happened at Pride when a couple of kids didn't understand why us older folx were so bitter about Reagan.

This year, I have something a little softer.

Someone who looked a little older than me came up to the booth wearing a pink t-shirt proclaiming him one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, San Francisco chapter. As I was ringing him up, I asked if he'd been involved for a while.

"Yes," he said, "for a bit," in that way us middle-aged people do when we're sort of wincing and feeling old.

"Okay, well," I said, sitting at my register in my queer booth full of queer clothes and patches and pins, topless in public for the first time. (I had pasties on for my own comfort bc I was working, but I live in the city of the Naked Bike Ride, and I took full advantage). My baby brother and both of my partners ran around behind me, my brother wearing a loose tank top that makes his scars visible.

"I need to tell you that you all helped keep me alive."

He blinked at me as I continued, "I was a kid in high school in the early 90s. I lived in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, and what you all were doing was so loud and so out there that even I heard about your work. It was one of the things that kept me alive. So thank you, and please thank the rest of the Sisters."

I heard about them through people in my parents' church complaining about them, and then I sought more information through the beginning of the internet, through newspapers, through anything I could find. I found the cover of Newsweek that one of the Sisters was on. I read about their "exorcism" of fundamentalist preachers whose books sat on the shelf in my parents' basement and probably still do. I saw how loud and colorful and unapologetically queer they were.

The knowledge that someone was out there, so full of defiant joy, refusing the shame that people kept trying to put on them? Oh, that kept me alive. I saw them, and I knew I could make it through. I wrapped my hands around that knowledge, and I held on so tight.

It took me a long time - a long, long time - to unwind most of it for myself and get to the point where my fat butch ass was sitting bare-chested in the July breeze, looking up at him as he held out his arms and said "you're actually giving me chills." I answered, "I mean every word. You helped keep me alive. So thank you."

I never know what to say when people come up to me in public and tell me that I helped them or changed their life in some way. I appreciate it, and I genuinely love the people who apologized for "fanpersoning" at me last weekend, I just never know what to say. I'm incredibly grateful that the Sister I spoke to was incredibly gracious, saying "usually we give blessings, but I feel like you blessed me." Another member of the party let me pet their tiny dog, who was not very interested in me, and that's okay. It was an overwhelming day. Then, they moved on.

Me? I'm still sitting with the fact that I looked last weekend into the faces of people who didn't know they were holding my head above water, and that I got to tell them the work they do matters. It's a rare thing to get to tell someone, "You saved me," and I'm treasuring it.

Last weekend, I wore my new battle vest with nothing underneath it, unless it was too hot, and then I just sat in my chair, chatting and ringing ppl out with my skin free to the air. I decided last year that top surgery isn't for me, but that also I'm going to love this body unapologetically, and it's no less a transmasculine body because the soft new dark hair on my belly isn't accompanied by pink scars along my ribs.

I didn't get here on my own. I got here because someone else cut through the undergrowth ahead of me so I could take another step forward. Here I am, decades later, still taking step after step, one at a time, and trying to lay paving stones behind me.

Last weekend was another step along that way, another step through unwinding the fear and shame and sadness that my parents and their church built into me. Another step out of hating myself for hiding parts of myself for so long, for acting out in other ways to distract people from my queerness, for feeling so much guilt when other people tell me I'm brave, because I know how much of myself I hid for how long because I was a coward, because I was afraid.

Another step into expiating stigmatic guilt.

[genderqueerdykes]

(tw: vent, relationship abuse, transphobia)

from 2020-2023, i was in a toxic relationship with a terf. she identified as a (still truscum-y) trans guy when we first got together, but about halfway through she detransitioned and pressured me to detransition as well. i identified as nonbinary at the time and i was scared of not listening to her, so i detransitioned because i thought i was being misogynistic if i didn’t. things just got worse, her transphobia got more radical, and we grew further apart, especially when i started questioning my identity again.

it’s been over a year since we broke up. i’ve started my transition as a trans man, i have her blocked on everything, but i still keep thinking about all the ways she hurt me. it feels like she’s winning. most sources i find on toxic relationships are really heteronormative and rely heavily on gender binaries, so they’ve been no help. do you have any advice on queer toxic relationships and/or unlearning internalized transphobia? thanks so much, no pressure to answer this if you don’t have the spoons

that's terrible, i'm so sorry you went through that. that's a long time to have to deal with someone pressuring you to change how you refer to yourself and how you see yourself. it's okay if someone needs to detransition but they should never force anyone else to just because transitioning like that was wrong for them. i'm so sorry she acted like she knew what was best for you. it's painful to watch someone fall down that rabbit hole and never come back. you want them to be kinder and to love themselves and everyone else, but it's just not the case

whenever people try to tell me that i "don't understand rad feminism", i point to experiences like yours. rad fems tell people that it's literally somehow "misogynistic" for trans men and mascs to transition. they tell people that that trans men and mascs are a danger to women. they tell people that trans men and mascs are confused and don't know any better. they tell trans men and mascs how to think, and they're doing it to everyone else, too. there's never a good reason to call someone misogynistic for transitioning

i would say maybe try to touch base with communities for transmasculine people and trans men. even if you meet a few people you like in the tags here, it's worth it. remind yourself that you weren't wrong, that person just thought she knew what was right for you. she saw something she hated in herself. it has nothing to do with how you should feel about yourself. you'll run into bumps and snags with how you feel about gender, especially your own. it's not a bad sign, it just takes time to get over the shitty things you were taught.

you can't dismantle it all at once, to take time, pace yourself. you were literally being groomed to hate yourself and other people. you need a moment before you can become proud of who you are. someone whittled you down until you were nearly nothing. that's not easy to move on from in a quick fashion. manhood is not evil. manhood is not what's hurting people. men are diverse. men are not a monolith. making blanket statements about men is profiling

i hope that helps some what, good luck, stay safe. i appreciate you for reaching out. it's not easy to deal with or move on from these kinds of things, but be as kind to yourself as you can. there's nothing wrong with transmanhood

[velvetvexations]

transemasculation: for when you think freud was right about penis envy but ONLY for dirty little trannies (but seriously what the fuck is with this term? who thought this was a good ide- oh, right, ASSHOLES!)

it's really funny because I would make jokes about how TRFs don't want transmascs to make their own language without sending it in for approval to the Transfem Council and now the famous self-identified transradfem is like "here you stupid little boys I made you a word to use if you want one so bad."

That transemasculation shit is the most obvious set up to just keep making fun tmascs because people generally think emasculation is a funny and harmless nonissue maybe even #feminism. Like whats the bet if we did start using it how they want us to people would just immediately start connecting it to our “toxic transmasculinity” to dismiss it / continue to paint us as whiny MRAs anyway ?

it's so fucking belittling

One of the most frustrating parts of when a trans fem posts transandrophobic stuff openly for the first time is how any disagreement harsher than silence gets taken as "men abusing women" and held up as proof that she was right to be wary of trans mascs all along, because look how quickly we will turn on a trans fem and attack her—any negative feelings she has over the incident are just more evidence that she is a victim under siege and right to feel this way.

the wounded gazelle gambit is very popular

The thing that bugs me about transmasc on this site who called themselves TME is that I never see them doing any actual activism for trans women, they specifically just talk down on other transmasc users. Like it comes off so fake-

that's Feminist in Bio men for you

Kinda crushed to see bee/movie/erotica post that? Like??? Yeah white trans people can hold power over me but what the fuck do you think you're doing calling my maness the same as whiteness. my maness cant be the same as whiteness because I am not fucking white. hellworld.

I'm very sorry they let you down, anon. <3

You can tell TRFs are terfs because they do the same thing that terfs do where they point to people who call them baeddels and say that their critics are calling them slurs, and then a few days later will self-identify as baeddels again

they complained so much that I very generously got people to almost entirely saying TRF instead and immediately they just go "TRF is a slur to silence me :("

"the nefarious genderqueers think they're so much more radical and valid than us while the whole queer community actually caters to them, we need more representation for Real Binary Transsexuals" is a recurring theme in Whipping Girl so no wonder it's a common refrain for the "read a singular book" crowd

they do as they are taught

i really like your sense of humour btw

Thank you!

anyways all this patricia taxxon stuff is kinda just making me more motivated to make autistic transmasc therian video essays.

as you should honestly

because i love answering questions not aimed at me, re: is cheating abuse no, but it's a dick move that can be a part of abuse. abuse in a relationship is, for the most part, long term and actively emotionally/physically harmful to at least one person. cheating can be a part of abuse (for example, the fact the abuser cheated in the past, can be held over the abusees (? idk if that's the right term) head.) but alone it isn't. i hooe this made sense. i woke up two minutes ago and have thoughts! i would love to hear yours, because peoples opinions differ a lot in subjects like this

I think I agree with that.

Tall fat hairy women <3

<3

WOOFWOOF... HELLO BEAUTIFUL

;)

I’ve seen a few of your anons discussing the proposal of ‘transemasculation’ to replace ‘transandrophobia’ but I’m not sure that anyone has shared this info yet: https://www.tumblr.com/weepingfireflies/770239720162738176/im-not-even-transmasc-or-transfem-but-the essentially, ‘transemasculation’ was coined years ago by a transmasc user alongside other terms for related and adjacent discrimination/bigotry/etc.; the user who is trying to speak over transmascs about our our terminology and experiences apparently didn’t even bother to do a cursory check that what she posited was actually a new concept

I think it's been brought up but that is very funny, in a cosmic sort of way.

"trans men are men first!" gender essentialism is going to ruin us all like yes you're quite right if you're born a man no matter what your life experiences are, you are inherently more likely to be self-absorbed assholes who hate women. absolutely. the only thing terfs are wrong about it who counts as a man and who counts as a woman yep 100% i see no issues with this clearly our Man Brains make us evil

it's like yeah people who identify as men clearly have skull shapes that show an inclination towards misogyny

i rly appreciate seeing someone else who uses similar referential terms b/c i'm bigender and i honestly really like calling myself a male manwoman. it just feels right in a way nothing else does

I'm glad!

[astr0exe]

K9 [COD MEN (POLY??) X M!READER] : CH2

Ch.1 , Ch.2 , Ch.3

CAS’ MASTERLIST !!

reader is transmac and autistic cause i said so :)

AO3 VERSION : K9

SUMMARY: K9 gets to know the boys even if he doesnt know how to hold a conversation

(feeling so bored transferring all this)

(absolutely terrified that my writings bad but oh well)

(enjoy chapter two!!)

(projecting into the character againnnn)

CW : Swearing + reader vaping + Alcohol Consumption

CHAPTER 2

Third Person POV :

As K9 sat down on the near-disintegrating couch next to Soap, Bucky decided to scour the room and hesitantly move towards the other men in the room. "Let's play a game so we can get to know each other!" Soap suggested excitedly. "Uhhh what's the game?" Gaz replied wearily, scared for what Soap had in mind.

“Never have I ever but as a drinking game? either that or truth or dare!” Soap nagged chuckling softly as he saw the fear in the boys' eyes.

”Umm sure why not I’ll play I wanted to get to know you all anyway..” K9 trailed off awkwardly squirming in his seat when everyone turned in surprise that he agreed.

”Well the boys don’t have a choice if you agree so!” he says as he stands, “let me go get the shot glasses and the alcohol and I will be right back! Don’t have too much fun without me!” he smirks as he walks out the room.

With Soap out of the room, it became deadly silent. Bucky padded over to Gaz slowly,” Hi boy, How's it going?” he addressed the dog, Bucky sniffed his hand and huffed calmly looking back to his owner for permission. K9 just smiled and nodded happy that his dog wasn’t ripping his team apart.

”He is really cute.” Gaz states, looking over at K9 noticing the chipped nail varnish he has on and his lack of eye contact. ���Umm Yeah he has been there for me when I needed him” ___ responds softly, slowly they grab a vape from their pocket.

”Umm Do you guys mind if I use this in here I would smoke a cigarette but we are inside so this is my only option.” ___ asked carefully, afraid to offend his new team members.

”Nah we don’t mind lad.” Responded Ghost calmly, noticing how anxious K9 seemed.

Soap bounded back into the room excitedly, getting sniffed by Bucky as he placed the vodka and glasses on the creaking coffee table. “Okay let's get started!” Soap explained whilst pouring the drinks. “I’ll start, Never have I ever set fire to something out of boredom.” GazK9 and Soap both took a shot.

----- Time skip cause I cba writing the whole game -----

With everyone officially tipsy if not more drunk Gaz's gasped and asked brazenly, "K9 what's that flag on your jacket?!" with everyone in the room now looking at ___'s chest patch he knew he was going to have to explain.

"Umm it's the trans flag, I'm transmasculine. So I was born female at birth. I uh hope this doesn't effect your thoughts about me." K9 mumbled worried they would react badly. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as his bottom lip started quivering.

"Aww K9 come here," Soap started whilst opening his arms up to the near shaking man. "You're still a man bonnie {beauty}, I don't know about the others but I know that to me, you are still a lad." K9's tears started falling halfway through Soap's little speech, ___'s sobs racking his body, his tears soaking through Soap's t-shirt as they stayed huddled together. "Lad I don't think of you any differently. Thank you for telling us. Proud of you." Gaz explained kindly. Now all eyes were on Ghost.

"I couldn't care less what you have in your pants you're still a guy." Stated Ghost blandly but with a hint of softness. His eyes crinkled partially at the sides. Soap and K9 stayed cuddled up." Speaking of your pants ___ can I get in them handsome?" Soap flirted but K9 couldn't tell if he was joking or not and his whole face erupted into a red hue like a volcano, his brain short-circuiting. The boys all decided to tease ___ on the fact he looked like a tomato.

As the night grew later, everyone relaxed due to the company and the alcohol coursing through their veins, Ghost noticed Bucky nudging K9 with his nose. Confused Ghost strode over to where Soap and K9 were still cuddling and noticed he was asleep. Soap slowly stood up whilst holding ___ in his arms, smiling down at their resting form. Ghost and Gaz followed behind Soap with Bucky padding after his owner.

Walking through the near silent halls they mumbled between themselves,"K9 is gonna fit in great!" Gaz cheered. "Yeah he seems alright." whispered Ghost as he secretly admired the sleeping man. Soap just nodded, agreeing with them both.

[gerrystamour]

AO3★Main

Updated July 9, 2024 - PENDING FURTHER UPDATES

★At A Glance★

Transmasculine Steve Harrington★#TransmascSteve.

Good Boy Eddie Munson★#GoodBoyEddie.

OC Fics★#gerry.oc

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title★rating★pairing★word count★ao3 link

Stranger Things

i could become the silver bullet in your head icbh, icbh!verse

i could be honest, i could be human★E★steddie★48k★Ao3

i can't tell where you end and where i start★E★steve/omc, steddie★11k★Ao3

because no one can break my heart like i can★E★steddie★2.4k★ Ao3

we were tangled up like branches in a flood★M★steddie★2.3k★Ao3

at the sunrise the stones and stars align [Transmasc!Steve] peace of mind, pom!verse

here i have found some peace of mind★E★steddie★60k★Ao3

bite through these wires [Transmasc!Steve] strap!verse

grow back your sharpest teeth★E★steddie★5.6k★Ao3

you leave me with that grace★E★steddie★2.4k★Ao3

push down into membranes and layers★E★steddie★4.1k★Ao3

Steve Thot Jobs thot jobs

when heaven falls, i will be your light★E★steddie★876★Ao3

just one more drink, please come inside★E★steddie★1.4k★Ao3

i've got a ghost in the hallway grinning...

run it back (give me five whole minutes)★T★steddie★1.7k★Ao3

i am thick tar on the inside burning★G★steddie★1.6k★Ao3

Stranger Things

nothing to say, and nowhere to go★E★steddie★1.9k★Ao3

so touch me again...★E★steddie★1.2k★Ao3

won't you come and dance in the dark with me?★T★steddie★2.9k★Ao3

i know you've got a taste, so...★E★steddie★2k★Ao3

would you find me in the stars?★T★steddie★1.2k★Ao3

suspended in the ether★E★steddie★7.4k+★Ao3

cut the lights and make me your oblivion★E★steddie★2.2k★Ao3

be the first to the feast...★E★steddie★2.1k★Ao3

that's the kind of love...★E★steddie★2.7k+★Ao3

you're in the walls that i made...★E★steddie★7.6k★Ao3

the fire is so delightful★E★steddie★5.5k★Ao3

Stranger Things

"Can I sit here...?"★G★steddie★Modern!AU★854★Ao3

"I'm not going to stop poking you..."★G★steddie★Pre-Steddie★679★Ao3

"When I picture myself happy..."★G★steddie★Getting together★1.1k★Ao3

i belong to all of your mysteries★E★steddie★Transmasc Steve★442★Ao3

our hearts are racing, captivated★E★steddie★PWP★311★Ao3

nice.★E★PWP★69★Ao3

"What did you do this time?"★T★Jeff/Eddie

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but whisper your love...★G★steddie★Modern!AU★392★Ao3

Stranger Things

"If we weren't in public..."★T★Tig/Gareth★pom!verse

"How have you survived this long..."★E★Freak/Dom★pom!verse

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"God, I love you."★T★Charlie/Roger★pom!verse

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"You need to wake up..."★T★Vinny/Kez★Mafia!AU

on and on...★T★Sam/Dom★Mafia!AU

you are my destroyer★E★Sam/Dom★Mafia!AU

feel the lives that i have taken★E★Sam/Dom★Pirate!AU

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[shovelbug]

Hello! This is my first time writing a request so I apologize if it's confusing. I saw one of your headcanon posts and I really liked it. I was wondering if you could maybe write some romantic headcanons for Arven (pokémon) with a transmasculine reader who has very invalidating family members? I personally have bad dysphoria and family issues and would appreciate if you could write this sometime; You may decline if you dont feel comfortable with this request, though.

-Pepper :D

not confusing at all, no worries. i hope you like it. i tried to do a little of both; comfort for dysphoria, and comfort for family issues.

arven x transmasc! reader w/ family issues

When Arven first hears about your family issues, he's moreso angry on your behalf. He has his own share of family trauma, but for family members to not support you? It's beyond him.

You're so... so good, he thinks. How can't they see that?

"hey, do you want me to like... kill those guys for you?"

"what." "nothing."

If you'd like him to, in a situation where you have to interact with your family, he'll go with you as moral support.

he'll hold your hand and give you reassuring squeezes, and won't even flinch if you're practically holding on for dear life back.

He can't promise he'll be peaceful if he hears them say anything unsavory, but he'll try. for you.

watches them with a careful glare the whole time and will not hesitate to get the two of you out of there as soon as he thinks it's needed.

if not, he'll text you during it and wait for you when you get back.

they're usually reassuring words, pictures of Mabosstiff, or food. Will definitely make you something tasty afterwards.

it'll help motivate you and give you something to look forward to, and it keeps him busy, so it's a win-win for him.

"regardless of what they think... i know who you are. More importantly, you know who you are." followed up by a kiss to the top of your head.

if you bind, he'll hold onto your stuff for you if it's something you need to keep secret. will also wash your binder for you if you use one, etc

speaking of binding, reminds you to be safe and take breaks, all that stuff. he will not hesitate to wrangle you so you can give your body a break; he won't compromise your health if he has anything to say about it.

you somehow never cease to amaze Arven; this is no different, either.

he knows that it's not easy, being trans. he might not be able to relate to your struggle exactly, but he's aware of the great strength that's required to be true to yourself.

for that, you are already so much stronger than those who try to tell you otherwise.

when you're feeling dysphoric, he'll wrap you up in his vest and let you watch whatever you want on the TV in his dorm while he makes snacks.

His vest smells like him. It's an effective distraction!

Arven's always telling you how handsome you are anyways, but he's careful not to lay it on too thick when you're feeling like this. He doesn't want to come across as condescending.

He does, however, gush over how handsome you are if you go shopping together. He's more than happy to accompany you, and every time you come out of the changing room to get his opinion on something, his response is usually a playful wolf whistle.

DEFINETLY makes "what's cooking, good looking?" jokes almost every time.

you probably groan and roll your eyes at him, but it's very genuine. His comments may all kind of be the same, but it's only because he thinks you look good in anything.

more than anything, he wants you to be happy. seeing you be confident makes him happy in turn; he'll always support you no matter what.

sneakily buys sandwich toothpicks with little trans flags on them when you're not looking to put in your sandwiches

"Just know I love you, okay? Regardless of everything... you're so cool. I'm so proud of you."

[ceilidhtransing]

Oh for fuck's sake. They're talking about Dr James Barry, because of course they are.

It's worse than I was expecting! And somehow it doesn't stop there.

This is what we mean when we talk about the erasure and denial of historical transmasculinity. Obviously we can't go back in time and ask Dr Barry exactly how he would define himself using twenty-first-century queer community lingo. But he lived his entire adult life, both public and private, as a man, and I would call that damn good evidence of transmasculine identity, or at the very least reason to exercise extreme caution in calling him a woman.

For the love of god can we stop treating historical figures who were almost certainly trans men as “pioneering women” who “faked” an identity in order to bypass the sexism of the time. It's not progressive and feminist; it just erases transmasculinity from history. And the use of language like “duped” - are you serious? In our current trans-hostile climate, you're seriously going to further the idea that we're “tricking” or “fooling” people by living as who we are? “He disguised his real identity as a woman” - this language, genuinely, sickens me.

I'm also just staggered that anyone in this day and age comes across a historical figure who essentially transitioned to a male identity and it doesn't seem to even cross their mind that transness comes into play here. I suppose this is the extent to which transmasculinity is just erased from people's awareness - unless it's to fearmonger about “helpless little girls” having their bodies “irrevocably ruined” by the Trans Lobby. Transmasculinity is a Risk, it's something that Happens To Vulnerable Females, it's something we need to tightly regulate and control lest any Sweet Little Girls Destroy Their Bodies; it's never just... a natural way for some human beings to be. Transmasc erasure gets talked about as the “lesser” transphobia because “well at least you're just being ignored”. No. Transmasc erasure and deeply oppressive transphobic ideology go hand in hand.

Trans men aren't some hypothetical concept to be thrown around as a political football. Trans men are real people and we've always been real people and we've existed throughout history. And you can't respect trans men while also leaping to define James Barry and those like him as “brave pioneering women who cleverly tricked everyone into thinking they were a man!” Whether or not these figures would all have chosen to identify as trans if born today, they are fascinating and nuanced cases of historical trans-gendering. They do not exist to be claimed as your “feminist icons” by imposing onto them an uncomplicated cis female identity they may well not have had.

Stop believing, through arrogance or ignorance or both, that a cis female perspective that utterly refuses to even engage with transness is sufficient to tell the stories of these individuals. I can't even begin to explain how insulting and dismissive it is towards trans men. And it's how we end up with the notion that trans people, especially trans men, are some “new phenomenon” that only cropped up in the last fifteen years - because all the trans men of history have been cruelly and oppressively flattened into “cis women who wanted to escape sexism”.

Stop ignoring historical transmasculinity. Stop erasing historical transmasculinity. Stop denying historical transmasculinity.

[variousqueerthings]

8 11 32 PLEASE!

HELLOOOOO AND THANK YOUUUUUU! also I remembered how much I overthink when looking at these whoops

8. Describe your gender without using any words traditionally related to gender: You know the opening to the Mr Bean series? Mr Bean gets beamed down onto earth and then it's implied that everyone Mr Bean does after that is literally because of being an alien, but it's never actually confirmed in the text? that but like. with a much more extensive wardrobe

11. Favorite (or just one you love) piece of LGBT media?: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???? I'm gonna give u three out of Many that are perfect. and I'm going to connect them to a Theme (I'VE CONNECTED THE DOTS). the thing is that these movies are movies that have at some point held me gently and guided me into a greater understanding of the queer community and history generally, as well as my own feeling of place within this community

My Beautiful Laundrette: This is one of my personal seminal queer movies, I watched it as a young'un/baby queer and it's just. Oh. such softness amidst the violence of the times, and the thing is that the softness is something that saves the main characters from the violence, both as potential perpetrators and victims (and how those can be blurred concepts to begin with). the core of it is two men who come back together amidst the height of neo-nazi anti-immigration 80s England, one of whom is Pakistani British and the other a white skinhead. And they open a laundrette together. This movie is sweet, I promise! it also features one of the subtly hottest moments to me in film history, in which one of them licks the others' neck in public while being watched on one side by Pakistani family members and on the other by white racists but it's angled so none of them see it!

City of Lost Souls: Listen, Rosa Von Praunheim's documentation of trans people (and generally queer people) is so so important for our community and you should check him out, but this film in particular is such a wild fucking ride that is hard to explain. a bunch of queer artists in 80s Berlin (and this movie was made in the 80s so you get some real footage of that great big wall) just like... fuck around? share intense elder wisdom? connect? sing! (oh yeah, it's kind of a musical, a trashy punky musical). This is some of the real deep magic of queer connection. there's an iconic moment in this film (there are several) in which a trans woman picks up a one-night stand and explains to him that she's trans and he's like. "eh no idea what all of that means, but you're saying you're a woman right? great!" and it's just Fine

Desire Lines: listen this movie... I'm almost hesitant to recommend it, because I feel so personally affected by it and it's a one-of-a-kind (so far) insight into transmasculine gay culture that is just. deeply precious and not understood by a lot of even the wider queer community. myself and every transmasc person I know who's seen it have felt somewhat transcendent about it, the way you do the first time you see yourself as (positively) visible in this way, it's almost too much. it's a documentary at heart, but quite experimental in elements of its structure, with parts of it being a fictional telling of a middle-aged iranian trans man who works in an archive and is told of the history of trans men's inclusion in gay bathhouses, lou sullivan, and personal testimonies from gay transmasc people. sometimes you don't notice how deprived you've been until something gives you real oxygen

Hon. mentions: Joyland, Great Freedom, Die Beautiful my personal favourite queer films of 2023, still have me by the throat!!!

32. Do you do arts and crafts? Post a pic of a project you've done: okay I will share a picture of something, but I need to go take a picture when I have a sec. It's not complete, but I've started a little zine that's just a big collection of euphemisms and ways of talking about queerness and it's such a fascinating, fun project that's made me think more expansively about how queerness gets talked about, whether it's in the past or present (or potential futures), within and without the community, as modern, or bigoted, or outdated, or fun, or out-of-the-box, or specific, etc. -- it's very far from done, but I can give a sense of just how many words/phrases/concepts I've picked up + imagery I want to include + the construction of the zine itself, which has a few little secrets to it

[not-a-space-alien]

K&J x MMSS 3: Kane & Valen Part 9

Chapter 9 of the third crossover with @whumpsday!

K&J masterlist

MMSS masterlist

K&J x MMSS crossover masterlist

SERIES IS 18+ ONLY.

Warnings:  Aftermath of torture, misgendering of a transmasculine character (non-malicious), mentions of rape (off-screen)

To be added to the taglist, contact @whumpsday

***

Unsurprisingly, Jim finds out via the phone call that Liz is not pleased with the situation. Bringing Kane home is bad enough, but a second vampire who has persuasion?

"It's okay, she's nice,” Jim reassures her. “And she's like, really fucked up and needed help. The both of them can barely stand."

“How do you know she's nice if you can't even talk to her?" Liz shoots back.

"I gave her a notepad so she can write."

After a pregnant pause, Liz’s voice comes back, suddenly sounding like she’s freaking out. "Jim. Vampires can use persuasion through writing."

Jim is completely thrown off by this information. "But... but she didn't. She hasn't used persuasion."

"I'm coming over right now. Don't look at anything else she writes. Don't let her know you know."

Jim decides to just hide out in his room until Liz gets there, replacing the phone in its cradle with shaking hands and dashing upstairs. He hides under the bed, just for good measure. It’s never saved him, but it makes him feel a little bit safer.

Liz arrives and lets herself in. She's wearing her belt with all her hunting gear: stakes and silver weapons alike. She doesn't see anyone, with the vampires in the basement and Jim upstairs. "Jim?"

Jim comes downstairs cautiously and walks right into her arms. "Hey."

Liz holds him protectively. "Where are the vampires?"

"Um..." He looks around, not seeing them. "They can't have just gone, it's day. Maybe they're downstairs, where I set Kane up?"

"Okay, I'll go check." Liz starts to go, but Jim grabs her before she can.

"Wait. I don't want you to scare them. They're... not in good shape." Jim warns. "Let me tell them what's going on first."

"You're not going down there alone."

"Fine, then follow me." Jim descends the stairs, Liz behind him. 

Kane and Valen had been frozen on the bed listening to the conversation upstairs with their superior hearing, on edge from the sickeningly familiar sounds of hunting gear jingling, and both start to stir as Jim’s feet come down into view.

"Hey guys, this is my sister, Liz. She just wanted to check out-"

Kane spots the hunting gear, confirming his suspicions, and immediately panics. He shoves Valen behind him like he used to do at the hunters', and Valen's throat automatically makes the motions for a soundless little squeak as he's suddenly shoved against the wall. "P-please, Jim, please, j-just don't hurt her, please, it was me who hurt you, she didn't do anything."

Valen’s heart pounds. Jim had just said I don’t want you to scare them, so…? For what purpose could he intend to have this woman hurt them, but not scare them? It must be just another safety precaution, Valen decides.

Valen's confinement had taken place mostly in the same room as all the objects used to hurt him, in contrast to Kane, who only saw them when they were going to hurt him, so Valen is less scared of them being in the same room than Kane is. He doesn't automatically assume they're going to be used on either of them. He does know it's a very distinct possibility, or probability, especially in Kane's case, being everyone agrees he probably deserves it, so Valen is scared of the thought anyway.

He decides that if they're going to hurt Kane and not him, he's not going to let go of Kane, he's going to cling to Kane the way Kane had clung to him and had to be pried off when they'd been separated initially. It’s all Valen could really do at this point--his notebook is a bit out of reach, over on the floor, and he doubts this hunter would be interested in reading anything he wrote anyway....she probably knows that-

Oh God, she probably knew Jim had been at risk from Valen. Maybe she is angry at Valen, and not Kane. Valen starts shaking with terror. Maybe the pulling of his vocal cords is going to continue, or the wretched bare silver muzzle is going to come back on. He'd thought he wouldn't be afraid of pain anymore here, but it feels like going backwards is too much, because who knows how far back they would slide? 

"No one's hurting anyone." Jim assures. "Yes, she's a hunter, but she's not going to hurt you. Either of you. Right, Liz?"

Liz glares at Kane with burning hatred. "Right."

Kane is not calmed, and continues to protectively shield Valen with his body, letting out a small whimper.

Valen taps Kane again, and pats his back in what he hopes is a comforting way. He raises his head to look at the new arrival. Liz, his sister, Jim had said.

Valen is instantly a little bit smitten. This is a kind of person he doesn’t get to see very much, a woman who looks and acts a bit like a man. Her glare is quite scary, unfortunately, but she's probably just being protective of her little brother--he assumes Jim is the younger sibling, with the way Liz is shielding him.

But Jim is kind, and maybe Liz is too, even though she's a hunter. There had been good hunters, ones that didn't like hurting people. Valen gently pries himself out from behind Kane and, being very, very, very, very brave despite his terror, gives as much of a smile as he can manage and holds a hand out for a handshake. Maybe this is good, right?

Liz sighs. "This is a mess. I'd shake your hand, but I'm pretty sure this one will burst into tears if I get any closer." She nods toward Kane. Suddenly, a realization hits her. "Wait. You said Valen? Valen Kithrara?"

"She's not- the blood farms- she didn't do anything!" Kane pleads, clinging to Valen. "She just married in, she's not responsible, I swear!"

"I'm not going to hurt- her." Liz realizes that she's heard about Valen before, those experiments they’d been doing in the other branch. She’d gotten mixed feelings about them at the time. Torture is wrong, but it was saving human lives…

Now that she sees Valen’s state for herself, she can’t help but think how naive she’d been to think it’s remotely okay.

The person she’d heard about it from had referred to the vampire as a man, though. But she figures that if Valen has had the opportunity to communicate and that fact isn't known, he probably feels safer closeted. She decides not to say anything about it. "I just... okay, Jim, I see what you mean." she concedes. They really don't seem dangerous.

She snatches the notebook and pen off the floor. "You haven't hypnotized my brother. Why?" She tosses them to Valen. "Don't show us. Show Kane and have him read it off."

Valen lowers his hand slowly, a bit disappointed. He flinches back a little as Liz tosses the notebook at him. Why didn't I hypnotize Jim? For some reason it seems hard to explain. Maybe he should have, to get away while they could, before this scary hunter came over.

Valen takes the pen and writes Jim is being kind to us. There's no reason to, and he doesn't deserve it. He hopes that will be sufficient and hands it to Kane.

"Jim is being kind to us." Kane reads. "There's no reason to, and he doesn't deserve it." He looks up. "She's right, ma'am."

"Oh." Jim says softly. "That's... thanks."

Liz considers this for a moment. She figures Jim hasn't even thought about how to feed them yet, given his issues. She doesn't give a fuck what happens to Kane, but this other vampire has been through hell and back and seems innocent. He even spared Jim when he had the opportunity. But they can't just let him go, because he could come back for Kane. "Maybe... I could take one, so there's less danger." she suggests.

The two vampires snap together as though attracted by magnetism.

"NO, PLEASE!" Kane holds tighter to Valen. "P-please, ma'am, please don't separate us!"

Valen's eyes widen and he shakes his head from side to side as he clings to Kane back.

"Please, I love her." Kane pleads tearfully. "Please, I just got her back. Please."

"Okay, we won't. It's okay. Nothing bad is gonna happen." Jim soothes.

Part of Liz wants to bite back about how Kane separated her and Jim for years and didn't care then. But she restrains herself. This isn't just about Kane. Valen looks terrified, and Liz genuinely feels bad for him, a possible innocent in all this. "Fine. Then I guess..." She sighs again. "You still have the padded muzzle. You can put that on Valen after she heals up. I guess this can work. At least put the ankle cuffs back on."

"That muzzle doesn't hurt." Kane whispers, though he's disappointed he won't be able to hear Valen’s voice.

Valen is also disappointed that the muzzle will apparently be going back on, but he'd expected it. At least Jim and Liz seem nice enough to give their concerns a fair chance, and only do things that would make sense for their safety. That's way more than either Kane or Valen had got in the past.

"Right. I forgot. Um, I only have the one..." Jim trails off.

"Put 'em on Kane for now and I'll swing by with another one tomorrow." Liz instructs.

Jim does so, and Kane obediently holds his legs out for them to be locked on.

"One last thing. Can I borrow your notebook for a second, Valen?" Liz asks.

That makes Valen nervous. He isn't convinced Liz is going to give it back, and he suddenly scrambles to think if he'd written anything in it that he wouldn't want Liz to see. But he hands it over nervously.

Liz doesn't look at what Valen's written, just flips to a new page and writes something, and hands it back to Valen. "It was nice meeting you. I'll be back tomorrow." She doesn't say anything to Kane.

She and Jim head upstairs, closing the door this time. The exact conversation between the humans upstairs isn’t quite audible, but it’s obvious Jim is panicked, and enough can be heard to discern they’re discussing the matter of feeding them.

Guilt radiates through Kane. Jim is panicking because of him. Valen will have to go without blood because of him. And he's so scared they'll change their minds and separate them. That one of them will have to go with the huntress.

While Kane stews in that, Valen reads what Liz had written in his notepad. I've heard about you from the experiments, and I heard you're a guy. I didn't say anything cuz I figured if they didn't know, you probably didn't want them to know. You're safe here. My partner is trans too. Jim will be cool if you tell him, and we can get you anything you need.

Valen is shocked and a little startled to read the note and be informed after the fact that he'd been speaking with someone who'd known he was trans. Jim will be cool if you tell him... That’s promising. We can get you anything you need. Does that refer just to things related to being trans, like binders? Or does it mean other things also? Because as badly as Valen wants to get back on testosterone again, there are......some other things that would definitely be higher on the list of things we would want to ask for.

Like blood, but given the conversation he currently overhears upstairs, it seems like that’s going to be off the table for a while. Valen's thoughts drift back to his experiments with the artificial blood. Should he...should he tell them about that? Should he offer to try and continue, to feed himself and Kane, even if as a stopgap? He hates the idea of making anyone else drink that rubbish. He only did it because he was trying to improve it, and wanted to drink less real human blood. But it tasted awful, and it wasn't as nutritious. He doesn't want to start making it again and have Jim and Liz think they wouldn't need real blood eventually. Valen had tried to go without real blood entirely for about two months partway through the project, and his nails and hair had started falling out, and he'd started getting dizzy at random times. It definitely wasn't sufficient as a sole source of nutrition, it could just stave off hunger for a while. And it would probably be an uphill battle to convince them he’s telling the truth, especially if he has to write everything out, and even harder to convince them to take him to his house to get all his supplies...

Maybe he could just decide what to do about that later. For now he can just wait and see what Jim wants to do. Liz's note also prompts him to think about finally bringing up his identity, now that the circumstances are perhaps a little less dire. He’ll tell Jim later, but it seems like it’s finally time to tell Kane.

After the shock of the hunter's visit wears off, and Kane seems comfortable again, Valen writes on the notepad, Can I tell you something I haven't had the opportunity to until now?

Valen’s note interrupts Kane from wallowing in his guilt. "Of course! I'm so glad you can tell me things now. What is it?"

God, it feels a lot harder to explain when he has to write everything out with his still a little unsteady hand. You didn’t see it because the testosterone had already worn off, but when I first arrived at the hunter’s compound, I looked quite different. I had body hair, and facial hair, and my face was less round. I usually prefer to bind my chest. I think of myself as a man. I hope this doesn’t change anything? His face grows redder and redder, waiting anxiously for Kane's response.

"Oh!" Kane's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. He wasn't expecting this. He stares at the note for a moment, gears turning in his head. "Like a transsexual?"

Valen nods. He’s drawn back, being less touchy-feely now. He writes, I probably should have told you sooner. I'm sorry.

"You couldn't have exactly told me much sooner, we only spoke for the first time recently. But, um, yes, I... support." Kane gives an awkward thumbs-up. "No, of course it doesn't change anything. I'm not- I support, you know, everyone. My best friend growing up was gay. I-"

Am I gay?

The thought hits him like a truck. If he loves Valen, and Valen’s a man, then that means he loves a man.

Kane decides to set that aside for now, tapping Valen on the arm 3 times before hugging him. "I love you."

Valen beams, hugging Kane so, so tightly. There, it'd been that easy. He didn't know why it wouldn't have been that easy.

“It's crazy how we've known each other for months and I'm only just now learning something so important about you. I apologize for referring to you as a woman before this."

Valen nods and gives a dismissive wave. It’s not like Kane’d had any way of knowing.

He releases Kane, sighing, looking wistfully up at the door to upstairs, and then at the manacles around Kane's ankles. He writes I don't suppose we're going to be fed here, then. I had guessed as much, but Jim is so kind I had hoped a little.

Kane glowers. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I stole his blood every day for years, and made it a miserable experience. No wonder he's terrified."

Valen shrugs. Not like there's anything to be done about it now.

The thought of going without eating forever is starting to get to Valen, though. He would be perfectly happy staying here in Jim's basement for as long as Jim wanted, except for having to resign himself to being this hungry for the rest of his life is just a little too much to handle. And...he has a feeling that no matter how much he likes Jim, and no matter how much he knows Jim doesn't deserve it, the temptation to give in to the hunger and attack Jim is probably going to eventually be too much for Valen to bear. Kane may have the willpower to restrain himself from biting, but Valen doesn't.

But they couldn't make Jim and Liz give them blood. That was why Valen had started that ill-fated project in the first place. It was just so unfair for both humans and vampires that it was like this. It had been the only solution he could think of, even if all signs pointed to it being impossible to actually accomplish.

Valen sighs and picks up the pencil. They’re now facing the very same problem that Valen had spent the past years of his life trying to solve. Might as well open this can of worms with Kane. Not like they had much else to do until Jim decides to open the door. I was vague about my interests earlier, but the thing I pursued in my past was science. I had started a project to try and make artificial blood. Do you think we should bring it up to Jim?

Kane reads the note in astonishment, breaking out into a grin. "Valen, that's amazing! We should absolutely tell Jim, maybe he'd let us feed if it doesn't have to come from a human! Did it work?"

Valen fidgets with the pencil dejectedly, breaking eye contact, hoping that Kane won't make him actually spell out his failure.

"...Oh. But, but you were working on it! If you were working on it, that means you thought you could actually do it. Make blood. Right?" Kane prompts. "It's possible?"

Valen regrets bringing it up now. He'd hoped it was possible. He wasn't sure if it actually was. Everyone had told him it wasn't. He'd been trying, at least, so... He must have thought he could do it, right?

Valen writes, I'd made some progress, but the hunters took me before I could finish it. It's not enough, but it can stave off hunger for a little while.

"Staving off hunger is great!" Kane enthuses. "It doesn't need to be enough. Anything is better than just starving. That's incredible. How much... how much does it make the hunger go away? How much does it still hurt after?"

Valen blushes. I've never drank it when I was hungry enough for it to be painful. But the hunger is less intense, it feels like a stone in your stomach. Or water. You feel full, but not fed. 

"That's great! That's so much better than this!" Kane is very excited now, beaming at him. "Could you do it? You could do it here, make us blood? We have to tell Jim. I bet it would make him less scared, too."

I would need a lot of supplies. I have them all at my house, but I'm not sure if we could convince Jim to take us there. Or Liz to let him do so.

"Oh." Kane deflates. "They definitely won't let us go to vampire territory to get supplies."

Upstairs, Jim and Liz are still talking about blood, but quieter. Only vague snippets like 'feed' and the vampires' names can be heard. They sound like they're arguing, but not intensely.

Valen can imagine the way the argument is going. He's not holding his breath. He shakes his head. I own a home on human territory. It's why I was captured here.

Kane's eyes widen. "You lived in human territory? That's... wow. You're, you're really brave, Valen." He's becoming more and more awed by him by the minute.

Valen feels a little awkward being praised like that. Valen had never felt very brave. He'd been constantly terrified, scuttling around like a bug trying to avoid humans, his heart in his throat if anyone so much as looked at him. If he thought that was impressive, Kane would be absolutely floored when he finds out Valen went out during the day.... Of course, that had been before Valen actually knew what sunlight felt like. He might not be so bold now. And look where his bravery had landed him.

Jim opens the door. "I just wanted to let you know that we're gonna get you some blood. Liz's treat." He forces a smile.

Valen picks up on the obvious discomfort in Jim's voice, but he's ecstatic nonetheless. Maybe they wouldn't need to fight the uphill battle of convincing them to get equipment and supplies for imitation blood after all. He gives Kane's arm a few excited taps, trying to squeal with delight.

"Really?" Kane asks, stunned. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! Jim, I, I don't know what to say, thank you so much!" He tears up a little, emotional about the fact that he's actually going to be fed.

"Yeah, 'course. Uh, so Liz is gonna just let you feed directly, says it'll be easier that way right now. 'Specially because Valen doesn't exactly... have lips right now, to drink out of a cup or whatever. Your mouth looks pretty bad, would you still be able to feed normally?" Jim asks.

Valen wrings his hands. He's not sure, but he's afraid that if he says no, they'll change their minds about feeding him, thinking it too much effort. No alternative is immediately obvious to him. He can at least give it a try. He still has his teeth, and that's really all he needs. He gives a thumbs-up.

Jim takes them both upstairs. Liz has removed her jacket. "Okay, you're only each getting half a meal, since I'm just one person and Jim's off-limits. You hear me? Off limits."

"Yes, ma'am." Kane says immediately, clinging to Valen. "I-I understand. Thank you so much for feeding us. We're so, so grateful."

Valen scribbles THANK YOU LIZ. He's too afraid to write I LOVE YOU like he had for Jim, because Liz is scarier, but he adds:

I've never fed directly from a human before. What is the best way to do it, that will make you most comfortable?

Liz immediately looks away before reading, then considers, sighs, and looks at the note. She figures by now that Valen's not going to use persuasion on her. Even if he did, both vampires are too weak to overpower Jim, and Jim could just call for help. It's daytime. She smiles as soon as she reads it.

"I dunno, I've never been fed from before. Bitten, sure, but not fed from." she admits. "That's sweet of you, though. Just do your best. And not the neck. Let's try the arm, yeah? That’s how they do it at the doctor. Who's going first?"

Jim looks like he might pass out, but he doesn't want to leave the room.

"You." Kane insists, nudging Valen forward a little. "I got to feed during the experiments. You go first."

Valen does not argue, feeling relieved and selfish. He creeps forward and crouches, taking Liz's arm, feeling goblin-like. He gives her one last glance, as though to give her a chance to change her mind, before opening the skin. He doesn't actually bite--He was one of the few vampires that had studied human wound healing, a subject very few vampires found much use for, considering it a subset of veterinary medicine--but he knows that a shallower wound will heal faster and not be as painful. So he drags his fang across to make a cut, holding Liz's arm delicately, taking dainty, gentle sips.

Jim watches this whole process with extreme anxiety. Saying that seeing his sister be fed from is very unpleasant for him would be an understatement. He fights the urge to push Valen away from her, protect her from the vampires using her as food.

Kane has been starving for two weeks: he is very hungry, but not to the point he can't control himself. He waits patiently for his turn.

Valen doesn't lick the wound closed when he's finished, because he figures it would be optimal for them to feed from the same cut, leaving it open for Kane. He steps back and gives a gesture that's half a bow, half a curtsey, dipping and holding it with gratitude.

"Great! That went well." Liz smiles at Valen, but her face falls and becomes icy when she turns to look at Kane. "Your turn."

Kane is very nervous. "Yes, ma'am." he says meekly, approaching her.

"Wait." Jim steps in front of Liz suddenly. "Don't touch her. Feed from me."

"Jim, you don't have to-" Liz starts.

"I want to." Jim shoves his arm out, but he's shaking. The only thing more unappealing than Kane feeding from him again is watching Kane feed from Liz. Not that. He can’t let that happen, ever. No matter what he has to do.

Kane looks back and forth between Jim and Liz anxiously, waiting for confirmation.

"It's fine." Jim insists, very much looking like it's not fine. "It's nothing we haven't done before."

Kane hesitantly takes his arm. "I'm not going to hurt you." he says softly. "It's different now. If you tell me to stop, I'll stop."

"Okay." Jim can’t watch, his fist curled so tightly his knuckles go white. "Go."

Liz goes to hold Jim’s other hand while Kane feeds. He copies what Valen did. He drinks half a meal, because that’s what he was told to do, then licks it closed. "Thank you, Jim. Thank you."

Jim nods. "I'm gonna go lay down. Liz, can you... finish up here?"

"Yeah. Go lay down, big guy." Liz pats him on the back as he goes, then turns to Valen and holds out her arm. "You can finish."

Valen feels sorry for Jim. He knows what Kane did to him, and how scary it must be for him. He thinks Jim must be so very brave, and so very kind.  He wants to give Jim a gift of some kind, but he has nothing at the moment. Maybe later he can think of something.

He meekly steps forward and drinks a bit more blood from Liz, then licks it closed. He holds up the paper that says THANK YOU LIZ again. He knows this is stressful and unpleasant for them. He thinks about the artificial blood again, but he doesn't dare ask Liz alone without Jim there. Maybe later, when the two vampires have earned some more trust, they could discuss it. Valen steps back and takes Kane's hand.

Kane's eyes are squarely on Liz, and he grips Valen's hand tight. He knows Liz hates him, and he's just fed from Jim in front of her.

Liz does give him a glare. Kane leans in closer to Valen, and she sighs, looking to Valen, too. "I'll be back tomorrow. And the next day. Think of anything you need, and I'll go get it. Time to go back in the basement."

Valen gives a little excited bounce. He scribbles out quickly on the notepad, I can do seamstress work if you get me supplies. So Jim does not have to keep lending us his own clothes. And I would like to make a gift for him, and I can sew something for you as well. I can sew men's and women's clothes.

Liz gives a small smile and leads them back to the basement. "You got it. I'll grab some already-together clothes, too."

"Thank you so much for your help, ma'am." Kane says quietly.

Liz sours instantly as she looks at him. "One last thing. If either of you hurt him, I will kill you. And Valen's not the one I'm worried about."

Kane nods vigorously. "I wouldn't. Never again."

"Good." She sighs. "Back tomorrow with sewing stuff."

She locks them in the basement and goes to check on Jim.

"That... that couldn't have gone better." Kane says quietly.

Valen nods and gives him a long hug. He writes, Jim was so brave. I hope he is OK. That must have been very stressful for him. And I can tell Liz is annoyed. I suspect she would not be so helpful if it were just you alone. Maybe that's why she wanted to take me off Jim's hands.

Kane shudders and holds him tighter, aware of the fact that Valen is basically all that's keeping him safe. "Yes. I wish so, so badly I could just take it all back. That I could just never have hurt him. Thank you for protecting me."

You protected me first.

Kane leans down slightly and kisses Valen on the forehead. "I always will."

Valen gets flush with warm feelings. He's never felt so genuinely safe with anyone before. He's starting to feel like no matter what horrible situation he finds himself in, Kane being there would always make it a little better somehow. Everyone who had ever loved him had conditioned that love on certain things, wanted him to behave or be a certain way, but with Kane, it feels like no matter what happens, nothing could lessen the feeling of caring for each other.

Before they go to sleep, Valen asks Kane to sing to him again, and he does so, an older love song from back home in vampire territory.

Afterwards, cuddled into Valen's side, he timidly asks, "Are we... a thing?" He's not too sure. He feels like this is what romance is, but he's never been in a relationship before and wants to be sure. Friends say I love you, too.

Valen rolls over and gives him an exasperated look

Kane laughs, his anxiety suddenly gone. "Okay, okay. That was stupid of me. I… guess that makes me gay, doesn't it? My parents would disown me. I don't even care." It feels exhilarating, to finally have a love that he doesn't need to reach desperately for.

Valen gives him the wishy-washy hand wobble signal. Eh. Yeah, kind of does, he thinks. A little. Scary to realize, huh?

Valen reaches for his notepad and pulls it up onto the bed. He writes, Why should we care about the opinions of those who don't even consider humans as fully people? What could they possibly be correct about?

"Yeah. You're right." Kane nuzzles into his shoulder. "I'm glad I found you, even if it took all that."

Valen writes, My husband is convinced that I'll come to my senses and start behaving properly any day now. I've asked him to sign the divorce paperwork many times, but I can't get him to. I suspect my family and yours would get along just as well as you and I do.

"If we're ever free, I'll march right down to Priscus and tell him you're taken." Kane says with a grin. "Bet that wouldn't look too proper."

Valen smiles, turning over and backing into Kane so that they're spooning, wanting to fall asleep that way. It's cozy.

***

Things continue rather peacefully for the next few days. Jim starts using a blood draw kit, but Liz just lets Valen feed directly from her. She brings over clothes, including binders, and sewing stuff. Kane asks Valen to teach him to sew, so they can do it together. Valen comes out to Jim, and everything seems to be going well.

One day, when the three are in the living room together, Jim gets a phone call.

“Hey, Jim, how are you? It’s Chase. Just calling on behalf of the vampire hunters to check up on ya. Just wanted to make sure everything went okay with the leeches after pickup. Your sister and your local branch handled disposal after you were done, right?"

Kane gasps, his blood running cold at the sound of his tormenter's voice. He immediately takes Valen's hand, pressing into him fearfully.

Valen doesn't have the same Pavlovian conditioning as Kane about this voice, but he certainly recognizes it and knows to fear it. Valen puts an arm around Kane and gives his hand a reassuring squeeze. He does three taps on Kane's shoulder, then looks up at Jim with wary eyes, trying not to cry.

Jim glances at the vampires briefly. This is not good. "Uh, no, they're uh, still kickin'. Not literally. Listen, this isn't a good time." He wants to talk to this bastard as little as possible.

"I'll get out of your hair, then," Chase says agreeably. "Shit, good on you for having the balls to not go for it right away after what that one did to you. Especially after it took out the researcher at the other branch."

Jim freezes. "What?"

"Valen," Kane whispers urgently, feeling impossibly trapped. It's daytime, and they've been fed a little, but they're both still so weak. His stomach feels like it's made of ice. 

Jim..... doesn't know that Kane killed Nick. He doesn't know, and clearly this is unwelcome news.

Valen's mind also races to the possibility of escape. They can't die now, or be sent back, they can't, things have just started to finally, somehow, get better. Valen trembles, gripping Kane firmly, hoping against hope that maybe somehow Jim will understand.

Kane starts to cry, clinging to Valen. He hopes that whatever punishment he's given doesn't involve Valen being hurt, too. He hopes it's anything but being sent back. Even if it's the sun for a month, that would end. Being sent back would be forever.

"Yeah, the parasites were at a different branch before, but the fucker killed its keeper and ran. They were halfway back to vampire territory when we caught 'em. Shit, did no one tell you? I thought someone would’ve mentioned it to you or your sister. Guess everyone else thought the same shit. You need someone to come help you out?"

Kane sobs into Valen, shivering. Valen's eyes widen at that. Just Jim, Valen felt like they had a shot at reasoning with. But if any of them came over...

Valen pleadingly shakes his head at Jim. Please. Please just let it be over.

Part of Jim wants to say yes. He wants to say Yes, this is too much, I'm scared, help me.

"N-no. I can handle it," Jim stammers instead. "Bye." He places the receiver back on the hook, but doesn't let go of it as he turns to look fearfully at Kane.

"Please!" Kane wails, hysterical. "I'm sorry! Please please please, I'll be good, please don't make me go back!"

Valen keeps his grip firmly on Kane and moves himself in between them. Pressing Kane back into the wall protectively, just as Kane had done for him so many times.

I can fix this. I can fix this. We're all just scared.

He reaches a placating hand out to Jim. He's afraid to make any sudden movements, to reach for his notepad to say something.

Jim flinches back, letting go of the phone as he steps further and further away. They're vampires and there's two of them and one has persuasion and the other is Kane and he killed someone.

"No," Jim squeaks, wincing when he remembers he's not supposed to be defiant. He stares back at Valen with wide, terrified eyes. "Please don't hurt me, sir." The words sound odd in his mouth: he never even begged much back when he was Kane's, but he can't afford not to now.

Oh. Valen had expected Jim to be angry, or demand an explanation... but of course he would just be scared. So, so scared. Jim didn't know, how could he?

Not letting go of Kane, Valen reaches over and gets his notepad, sliding it over and scribbling out quickly. Valen has always been.....verbose, but he realizes he needs to keep it short and simple.

JIM

I PROMISE YOU'RE SAFE

KANE HAD A VERY GOOD REASON TO KILL THAT MAN

Jim looks away immediately, before he can read what's on the paper. His eyes well up with tears. He's going to use persuasion on me. They're vampires. They're faster than me. I won't be able to get out the door. Just like at Kane's.

Kane, trembling, reaches out to turn the paper around. Valen is trying to help, to convince Jim, and he needs more than anything for that to succeed.

"It- it says, J-Jim, I promise you're safe, Kane had a very good reason to- to kill th-that man," Kane reads, voice shaky with tears. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to h-hurt anyone anymore, but he just, he wouldn't stop. He w-wouldn't stop hurting us, I know I, I deserve it, but Valen doesn't!" he cries. "Please, I understand if- if you need to p-puish me. Please don't hurt him." Despite his words, he continues cowering behind Valen.

Jim knows that feeling. He'd planned to kill Kane, after all. He tries to tell himself it's okay, it's not like before, he's not going to be hurt. "Okay," he says quietly, practically a whisper. "I won't. I won't hurt either of you. So just, please don't." 

Valen scribbles out on the notepad again.

We won't hurt you

You saved us

I would do anything for you

Kane killed him to save me from being tortured and raped every day

We wouldn't hurt you

Kane chokes on his voice and can't bring himself to read this one out loud.

Figuring the vampires could probably overpower him together even in their weakened state and so whether Valen uses persuasion is meaningless, Jim slowly turns around.

He fills with sadness as he reads the note. "Oh," he says softly. "Yeah. That'll do it."

Kane looks to him with desperation for a long moment, wondering what his punishment will be decided as.

Jim looks him straight in the eye. "You did the right thing."

Kane certainly wasn't expecting that. "R-really?"

"Yeah," Jim confirms. "Hell, I wasn't thinking right, I was too panicky. Even without that stuff, he was hurting you and holding you captive. Of course you'd defend yourself." 

Valen is overtaken by such intense relief that for a moment all he can do is cry, clutching Kane and sobbing into his chest. After a moment of that, he reaches out and takes Jim's hands, unsure of how to communicate the thunderstorm of emotions rolling over him, grateful tears brimming over in his eyes.

Jim holds Valen's hand gently. "I won't hurt you either," he assures him, starting to calm down himself. "You're safe here, too."

Valen starts to go in for a hug, then thinks better of it, rocking on his heels between Kane and Jim. He picks up his notepad and draws a big heart on it, then shows it to Jim.

"Yeah. Hearts all around." Jim smiles.

***

***

K&J x MMSS crossover taglist:

@barebarb

@cc1010foxy

@emcscared-whumps

@hurtpluscomfort

@melancholy-in-the-morning

@pigeonwhumps

@secretwhumplair

@some-thrilling-heroics

@t0rture-me

@thecyrulik

@thejinglingcourtjester

@vehan-tikkun-olam-and-stuff

@whuarri

@whump-cravings

@whump-my-heart-away

@whumpycries

@wolfeyedwitch

@whump-addict

@why-not-ask-me-a-better-question

[barbieslutshamesken]

hi. i feel like enough time has passed and i have separated myself from the fandom enough to make this statement. anyways here’s my super duper controversial statement.

nick and charlie are poorly written characters and they’re relationship is entirely too codependent. as a queer person (assigned male at birth) who has been interested in guys, i hate how they’re relationship is depicted. i really just have a huge issue with women writing men-loving-men relationships, i never think they do it right. and YES i am aware that alice oseman is queer/gender-queer but she is a femme-presenting/woman-aligned person who is also aroace. she has never lived that experience and i do not think that her telling of that experience is accurate. i think it’s extremely cishet-washed and honestly i feel like it’s pandering to straight people and people who are newly out, if that makes any sense. i personally feel that they’re story lacks nuance. it embodies the worst aspects of ya fiction.

firstly, my main issue i have is with charlie and how he is depicted as a queer man. i find issue with the way he is depicted; timid, awkward, clumsy, and in need of saving. i HATE that fucking trope. i hate that everyone’s idea of a gay couple is of this femboy, who was probably abused or bullied, being saved/rescued/“really-loved” by a larger, more masculine, jock.

i have personally gone through many of charlie’s experiences. i was r@ped/sa’d as a young person, i have struggled with anorexia, and i have and still do struggle with self-harm/cvtting. i have also stayed in a mental health facility! sounds familiar, right? that’s because all of that shit also happened to charlie spring. but we don’t get to see any of his healing process. we don’t see him in therapy. we don’t see his time in the hospital. all we see is how it affects nick and how nick gives him the strength to recover. blah blah blah gag me with a spoon.

anyways, having said all of this. i have read the entire updated comics, and i have seen the show. i plan on reading the final installment of the comics and watching the remainder of the series. i do think queer people need and fucking deserve more representation and more media depicting our normal domestic lives. there are so many shitty straight shows that are just pure fluff and entertainment and queer people fucking deserve that.

i also am extremely interested to see if/how alice incorporates darcy‘s actor kizzy edgall’s transmasculinity into darcy’s character. i would have a totally new respect for her to ACTUALLY WRITE a complicated subplot that is nuanced and depicts how queer people’s labels change and how their understanding of their gender and queerness grow with them. how does tara react? does she amicably break up with darcy to respect their identity? or does she come to the conclusion that, “fuck it. i love darcy. who cares if we aren’t technically in a lesbian/sapphic relationship. i am still valid.” THAT WOULD FUCKING ROCK

anyways best character is elle. hehehehehe.

sincerely,

an openly queer, semi-closeted transfeminine person. *equips sunglasses*

[genderqueerdykes]

Bigots do know what neopronouns, non human genders etc are even if they're not in community with us. They are constantly making a mockery of these things. it doesn't mean it's their fault just that they're extra vulnerable. But the idea that people don't know these things unless they're part of the community is simply not true

it's an extremely small handful of bigots who do know what these things are. what i'm trying to get across is that the queerphobes in your life that have the ability to make change or harm you don't know what a neopronoun is. your transphobic father, grandma, boss, coworker, senator, mayor, landlord, postal carrier, neighbor, etc. have no clue what these things are. they are passing laws and abusing queer people that they think are faggots, trannies and dykes. that's it. sure there are those of us who speak up about these things to people who are uninformed, but the vast majority of bigots have no clue what these things are. internet trolls are a very small portion of the number of bigots out there.

when i get discriminated against, i get called a faggot, tranny, or dyke. nobody cares about the fact that i'm bigender, genderfluid, genderqueer, non binary, etc. to them, i'm a faggot- i'm an effeminate gay man. or i'm a dyke, a butch woman. i'm a tranny- i was clocked as a trans woman. that's it. the amount of bigots who know what microlabels are is very, very small. how else would they know what these things are if not for exposure to the community? people who are xenogender don't come out about it to strangers for fear of judgment. people who use pronouns other than he, she, they or it never tell others their pronouns for fear of judgment.

bigots don't even know what a femme lesbian is. bigots don't even know what trans men are. most queerphobic people do not even know what a trans man is. i need you to stop and think about people in your irl life. not chronically online people like you and me. i'm talking about people who have never once in their life ever entered a queer space EVER. in their entire lives. think about this.

when you come out as a trans man to people outside of the queer community, they will dead ass assume you're a trans woman. they will. the average person has no clue what a trans man is. i have had to literally fight tooth and nail to get people to understand that people can be female to male. like i am a trans woman but it drives me insane because trans man is my primary identity alongside genderqueer. i have to literally tell people that female to male, transmasculine and trans male people exist like. if the average person cannot wrap their head around the fact that "Trans" does not always mean trans woman, do you really, genuinely think that they're out here knowing or caring about nonhuman genders?

yes, there are bigots out there who know these things exist. i'm not saying they don't, but what i'm saying is that people with these identities are not the reason why the entire queer community is mocked and blamed. you missed the point there- the point is that micro labels are not the reason why the queer community is treated like shit, because the average queerphobe is not targeting micro labels like nonhuman genders. it's not about who's more vulnerable. that's not the issue, here. it's about how the average bigot doesn't know ANYTHING about the queer community at all. even the ones who are familiar with these terms have no idea what they mean.

that's the entire point. hope that clears it up.

[richincolor]

Jessica's 2023 Favorites

It's always so hard to pick my favorite books of the year -- there were so many! I read poignant graphic novels that made me sob, lighthearted adventures that made me think, and heartfelt romances that I couldn't stop telling people about. I've narrowed my favorite reads this year down to three -- and I imagine they might be on your list too! We'd love to hear what you loved reading this year and what you look forward to reading next year. Anyway, without further ado...

In Limbo by Deb JJ Lee A debut YA graphic memoir about a Korean-American girl's coming-of-age story—and a coming home story—set between a New Jersey suburb and Seoul, South Korea.

Deborah (Jung-Jin) Lee knows she's different. Ever since her family emigrated from South Korea to the United States, she's felt her Otherness. For a while, her English isn't perfect. None of her teachers can pronounce her Korean name. Her face and her eyes—especially her eyes—stand out. As the pressures of high school ramp up, friendships change and end, and everything gets harder. Even home isn't a safe place, as fights with her mom escalate. Deb is caught in a limbo, with nowhere to go, and her mental health plummets.

But Deb is resilient. She discovers art and self-care, and gradually begins to start recovering. And during a return trip to South Korea, she realizes something that changes her perspective on her family, her heritage, and herself.

This stunning debut graphic memoir features page after page of gorgeous, evocative art, perfect for Tillie Walden fans. It's a cross section of the Korean-American diaspora and mental health, a moving and powerful read in the vein of Hey, Kiddo and The Best We Could Do.

The Wicked Bargain by Gabe Cole Novoa El Diablo is in the details in this Latinx pirate fantasy starring a transmasculine nonbinary teen with a mission of revenge, redemption, and revolution.

On Mar León-de la Rosa's 16th birthday, el Diablo comes calling. Mar is a transmasculine nonbinary teen pirate hiding a magical ability to manipulate fire and ice. But their magic isn't enough to reverse a wicked bargain made by their father and now el Diablo has come to collect his payment: the soul of Mar's father and the entire crew of their ship.

When Mar is miraculously rescued by the sole remaining pirate crew in the Caribbean, el Diablo returns to give them a choice: give up your soul to save your father by the Harvest Moon or never see him again. The task is impossible--Mar refuses to make a bargain and there's no way their magic is any match for el Diablo. Then, Mar finds the most unlikely allies: Bas, an infuriatingly arrogant and handsome pirate -- and the captain's son; and Dami, a genderfluid demonio whose motives are never quite clear. For the first time in their life, Mar may have the courage to use their magic. It could be their only redemption -- or it could mean certain death.

Highly Suspicious and Unfairly Cute by Talia Hibbert Bradley Graeme is pretty much perfect. He's a star football player, manages his OCD well (enough), and comes out on top in all his classes . . . except the ones he shares with his ex-best friend, Celine.

Celine Bangura is conspiracy-theory-obsessed. Social media followers eat up her takes on everything from UFOs to holiday overconsumption--yet, she's still not cool enough for the popular kids' table. Which is why Brad abandoned her for the in-crowd years ago. (At least, that's how Celine sees it.)

These days, there's nothing between them other than petty insults and academic rivalry. So when Celine signs up for a survival course in the woods, she's surprised to find Brad right beside her.

Forced to work as a team for the chance to win a grand prize, these two teens must trudge through not just mud and dirt but their messy past. And as this adventure brings them closer together, they begin to remember the good bits of their history. But has too much time passed . . . or just enough to spark a whole new kind of relationship?

[velvetvexations]

Every time I see posts about how transmascs who believe in transandrophobia r like. misled by terfs or whatever im like. well you got a letter wrong over who introduced me to the term in the first place-

(Had a post about transmisogyny come across my dash, nodding along, and then out of nowhere starts being vile as hell about transmascs. Me, whiplashed: what does that word even mean. I look it up and go "huh whats the issue with this. of course thered be specific forms of oppression going along with transmasculinity just like with other identities?"

n it boiled down to the ways of. these transmascs r either vile bigots who never examined their misogyny vs. these transmascs are naive poor victims so easily manipulated by terfs. like. nice vilifying / infantilising false dichotomy you got there. surely thats not transphobic at all in any way.

Ended up seein more n more of this "discourse" even without seeking it out, n I'm glad I eventually found ppl like you to follow it's nice to see ppl countering it n makes me hopeful it'll eventually calm down again

the next time someone tells you it's a TERF thing tell them off for implying the trans women who believe in it are TERFs

[system-vent]

i have a couple vents about the same person from over the past week. they're also a system, these are all different stories. we have dyslexia so some words may be misspelled or i might forget words entirely. any and all names have been replaced with fake names for the sake of anonymity. the system in question will be referred to as 'yellow'.

first story. one of our innerworld managers is an introject from a new show. he was in front, he has an extremely short temper, and he can be a bit blunt. manager has specific opinions on interacting with out-of-sys sourcemates. he says that if they front of their own accord to say hello to a sourcemate, thats fine. he can tell them "cant talk right now, extremely angry and need some time, mind if we talk later?" and its done and dusted. he says its okay to ASK "oh we have a sourcemate of your introject, would your introject like to speak to our sourcemate" because if the inteoject isnt mentally stable, they can decline. but what this system did was send an alter into headspace to find managers sourcemate and send sourcemate to front. manager saw sourcemate speak and immediately removed himself from front in simplyplural (they have our sp) and when ghost told sourcemate "hey sorry manager isnt here he had to go back to headspace for a minute", sourcemate had a borderline meltdown. shouting "BRING HIM BAAAAAACK" and no amount of reasoning from anyone in front at the time could get him to calm down. his own system made no visible effort to stop him from demanding manager to come back to front if anything they enabled it. they have done this before. manager did end up coming back and just didnt add himself back to front in sp and immediately got nauseous and uncomfortable because sourcemate went "tell him i love and miss him <3". manager had never ever spoken to this sourcemate before.

story 2. yellow had recently gotten a new host during the time this story takes place. our frequent fronters are (in their own unique and distinct ways) very upbeat, friendly, easygoing, roll-with-the-flow, nothing bothers them, chill dudes. when these fronters started talking to yellow in their friendly calm way, yellow got mad at us and started being a pick-me by going "youre only friends with me because youre friends with my system. you dont want to be friends with me. im a handful. im a mess, im a terrible person." and frequent fronters naturally backed off and tried to act more cold and distant because, well, yellow isnt our friend apparently! and then for months after this he started complaining that we're drifting apart, that we dont talk anymore MOTHERFUCKER YOU PUSHED US AWAY. YOU TOLD US TO FUCK OFF AND THEN STARTED BEING A PICK-ME ABOUT IT.

3. yellow got mad at us and told us off for every alter immediately trying to be his friend, and then got mad at us because two of our sticky alters didnt want to talk to him and disnt trust him. ala he got mad because every alter wasn't immediately his friend.

3.2. to elaborate, disc and sword are at risk of getting solo frontstuck due to mental health issues they or the body may experience. if they get too anxious they will get frontstuck by themselves. yellow knows this. we told them. we asked them to be gentle with what they say while disc and sword are in front, theyve asked and expected the same of us and we obliged. disc refuses to speak anywhere or to anyone unles tea is involved in the conversation somehow or present during the convo. sword will only ever speak to or around herb, ferret, and HP. we told yellow that disc and sword will never ever be willing to speak around him due to trauma.

4. yellow called me a roseboy. femboy is a slur to transmascs as it was (and is) used to imply that they were not truely men (if i recall correctly) so no they didnt call me, an alter in a transmasculine body, they called me ROSEBOY because im a cisgender man who possesses an extremely feminine doll against my fucking will. i had met yellow earlier this month for about five minutes. i am not close with yellow. them calling me a roseboy really ticked me off because that is a joke that NO ONE is allowed to make about me. i dont even make that joke about myself. if a close friend made that joke about me, i could brush it off. i can excuse it and lightly go "hey could you not do that again" and then we move on. i am not fucking close with yellow i have so many fucking issues with yellow. he called me a roseboy to get my attention and get me to look at something he sent. i have in fact told him my backstory. he knows that i am not a fucking roseboy. and he called me a roseboy anyway.

5. they bashed on a character and claimed he "was the most basic stereotype for people with aspd" we have aspd. we hold that character close to our heart. he is a literal non human resin statue. of course he lacks empathy. we heavily relate to characters who are non-human and lack empathy. it helps us cope with our symptoms. character doesnt have aspd. HE IS A STATUE. IN A DEATH GAME. WHERE THE CONTESTANTS ARE AWARE THEY MAY DIE. they were bashing on him offing other characters and talking shit on his lack of empathy despite full well knowing both of these things. they celebrated when this character was killed off. this fucking hurt us deeply. we told him off for it, he guilted us over it.

6. (TW: EMETOPHOBIA, SUICIDE MENTIONS) YS in yellows system is a sticky alter and saw something that triggered his traumatic source memories and then proceeded to send it to us to vent about it. his cofronters did not stop him as they were panicking over something different. sword was still in front at this point, YS' vents about vomiting and the picture they saw and also sent triggered sword due to his traumatic source memories and made us nauseous because of the talk of vomit. i am a persecutor. i did not stand for this. i said "did you really have to send those? sword is nauseous, try to stop cofronters from doing that next time" and key argued back at us and tried to excuse it or something, idk i was running on pure adrenaline trying to protect swords emotional state. i gave up on telling them off because these broken records kept fucking repeating the same shit as if that makes any of it ok. i ended up saying something to the effect of "sorry for getting aggressive, im trying to protect my cofronter." they sent pretty much the same message back. i told them that i would be muting the chat so their notifs wouldnt trigger sword anymore, and then left them alone for five minutes. i come back, and YS is out of front, yellow says "goodbye, tell my boyfriend he'll move on" and caused sword to panic harder because that my friends, was a suicide note. i told them i was muting the the chat for the sake of my sticky cofronter and they sent me back a fucking suicide note. i know exactly what it was because last night they were venting about being straight up suicidal and said the exact words "if i killed myself, my boyfriend would move on". i refused to open that app for an hour straight and forced sword to look and think about other things in an effort to calm him down, he spoke to herb and ferret and HP and whatnot and got calm, i messaged yellow back and told them call a hotline and this motherfcuker said "oh i thought you muted the chat. i wasnt actually going to do it id chicken out anyway". were they hoping i was bluffing? were they trying to guilt me? wwre they expecting me to come back and apologize profusely for my crimes? for taking care of my sticky cofronters mental health?

its worth noting theyre also upset because me, Vex, and Bob werent instantly friendly with them. vex is an emotional protector, his job is to sit in front and absorb all our negative emotions and be numb to any abuse that comes our way and then sob and ugly cry about it once we are safe. vex is an extremely angry person and cries out of frusteration very easily. when he met yellow he told them he was angry and wouldnt be easy to get along with. he told them to just gently tell him if he steps out of line and he'll apologize and make up for it. they ignored it and screamed at him and us to the point where he sobbed three times in the same day for hours at a time. they never apologized.

yellow has let a raver front on multiple occaisional. a raver is an alter whos job is to be malicious and angry and mean and harmful on purpose intentionally knowing full well what theyre doing is very wrong. raver literally verbally attacked someone who had been a host at the time upon their first meeting after exchanging a single sentence. yellow has allowed this raver to guilt and manipulate and emotional harm alien to the point where alien will not front. alien does not come near front. alien sits depressed in his room all day. alien and raver have had multiple negative interactions that alien was blamed for.

yellow got mad at vex for telling off a Borderline Raver and telling BR to stay in their lane and fucking behave. we have had multiple interactions with BR. every single time has been damaging. vex was on his guard and protecting us despite knowing yellow hates him and has hated him and been hostile towards him from the moment he spoke.

we are the only person they ever vent to, even when we are mentally unstable and mute their notifications and we tell them we can not mentally handle vents right now. yellow has other friends. they do not shut up about their other friends. theyre matching icons with yellow hosts boyfriend. and yet they only vent to us. because they dont want to bother anyone.

i cannot bring any of this up to them. they have BPD. they might make an actual attempt if they think theyve ever upset us. they have stated this themselves. i have to pretend that everythings just fucking peachy! i still havent opened the conversation with them.

Sorry that this happened to you anon:( -🌐