#but it’s a lot for me because I am tired and anxious and a bunch of other things

[spineless-lobster]

The only thing getting me through this week is the wisdom saga istg I’m gonna be so tired but that’s okay because I know life and fate are scary but I wanna be legendary

[octocharger]

ok i'm sorry this show is what i'm reviving this account for real quick but i've been turning this over in my head and i kinda gotta get it out real quick so uh. spoilers for Lost and Founder's Day, Battle of the Dimmsonian, Lost in Fairy World and Operation Birthday Takeback under the cut? we ball

Peri is kind of... giving me slight gifted kid right now?

i mean, watching this show i've noticed that he's got a lot more anxiety than i've seen people point out, lemme try to explain in Lost and Founder's Day, he starts off all suave and cool, which is honestly incredibly different from what we've seen of him *besides* when he explains to Dev why he can't go to Fairy World in Lost in Fairy World, and i'd argue the end of Operation Birthday Takeback, where he's trying to cheer Dev up with a wish. the latter of them seems like this more so, but i think it's painfully obvious that in all 3 of these occasions he was putting on a more confident act, that same showman-like personality he started with but, frankly, most of the time, he seems anxious or tired and exasperated, mostly to do with Dev probably. for the record, i do NOT think he hates Dev AT ALL. it's kind of a complicated relationship between the two that i love but i'm not gonna get into here ok, so Peri puts on a showman personality when he's not that, so what? yeah, in A New Wish alone i don't really have much to go off of yet, and i could just be entirely wrong, but there's some details i wanna take note of to at least potentially back me up here: - He was Timmy's godbrother as a baby - He was the most popular kid *ever* in spellementary school and a pretty smart one at that

for the first point, i bring Timmy up because. he was a notorious menace. like i don't think i need to get into that, and i think for the fact that Peri managed to deal with him growing up, people might compare him now to how he was back then, even younger than Peri can genuinely remember

for the second point, we don't know much about Peri's academic life that i can say for certain, but i think it's entirely possible that he was revered as gifted as far as we know, which could lead to him constantly trying to exceed himself on that last note, i wanna bring up how he acts in Lost in Fairy World, where he constantly tries to assure his parents that he's got everything under control (when he clearly doesn't)

i feel like these are all a bunch of scattered thoughts that i wanna let other people try and connect the dots with me with this idea... anyway, it might also be worth mentioning that, again, he's the first fairy baby in thousands of years. assuming he went to the Fairy Academy to become a fairy godparent there's a good chance he was surrounded by classmates who are like. thousands of years older than him. reminder that Peri is like. 20? 30? he's like a fetus to these guys. he might be getting compared to with people with thousands of years of experience with life that he doesn't have he also mentions, albeit in an offhanded comment, that fairy godparenting is a family business...

anyways these are all a bunch of random 6 AM thoughts that i have been turning over n all that in my head since last night's episode

btw not related but i feel like adding on, i'm pretty sure Peri's still Dev's godparent, he didn't wish for him to STOP being his godparent, just to leave him alone

[transparent-peach]

bad days

School started like three weeks ago and i got into a flap. I have lot to do but i overly enjoy writing (it’s a safe place for me) so there is some comforting stuff to all my anxious and a bit lost human beings. Lots of love to you all. Hope ypu are doing well!

It’s a bit messed up i know. It is past midnight and i have to wake up at 5 a.m. Yeah, school sucks. :D

I'm here for y'all!🩷

First-person singular

James McAvoy x Reader

speak no evil era

words: 1066

————

I have a lot to do. If my head wasn't attached to my body i would lost it too in the mess of life i am having lately.

James is out there, pretending he's alright and smiling like there is no problem in this world. At least he is okay with his own life, his new movie just came out and he's happy he is busy again with these things. He loves the vibrant type of life and he enjoys every moment of the spotlight.

It's been like a month since we last acted like a couple because of the movie. The interviews, the talk shows. I had enough of them, and i was beyond proud of him, i was more excited than ever but i missed him. I missed our late night talking and our secret dates out there and the bunch of other things that a normal loving couple would do.

He came home late at night. It was a messy tuesday night and i had enough. I was exhausted and i felt like i could cry for eighteen hours straight. Everything was messed up, i had to face the fact that nothing is working out like the way i would want to.

– Love, i'm home! – I heard his voice downstairs as he put down his keys.

– Hey! – I swallowed my tears. He came up to me. His eyes were bloody red from the tiredness. He was quite weak and all he did was sit on the bed next to me. I sighed as i put my head onto his shoulder and i felt the rush of happiness mixed with dreariness inside of my chest.

A few drops of tears came out of my eyes and i couldn't help but hugged his arm like a little girl. I was shaking from anxiety.

– What is wrong, love? – His voice filled with surprise, more like a caring tone.

– I... – My voice cracked like a broken glass and i gasped for air. My lungs were filled with air but i couldn't breathe. I was afraid to admit that i had been in such a bad situation.

– Fuck, darling. Why are you crying? What's wrong? What happened? – He scooped up my cheeks as he turned to me.

– I feel so alone. I feel like a failure and i... – He listened carefully. He looked deeply into my eyes and he was concerned about my feelings.

– Yes, i am here. Please, continue!

– I miss you and i know i can't make you stay here when you have a lot of things going on. More valuable things than anything that i do but i... I am nearly 30 and you are doing so fine at fourty-something and i am feeling miserable...

He almost chuckled at my last sentence. I didn't even know what was happening in my head. I was just piffle around. I had so many information in my head. They all wanted to come out all in one.

– Y/N, don't. You have a lot to do too, just because you are not in this industry it doesn't mean you are not as important as any other working person. As any other person. – He took a deep breath. He caressed my cheeks with his thumb and moved closer towards me. – You are a woman. You have been through hell and back. You are the most amazing, strong, hardworking, caring woman i've ever met. Don't underestimate yourself. You are more than enough.

– Okay, but...

– No, no, no. Not a single "but". Come here.

He opened his arms and hugged me.

– I love you. – I whispered into the nothingness. My heartbeat slowly dropped down to normal, and i felt the cosy warmth in my body.

– I love you too, darling. – He placed a kiss on my head. His hug tightened around me. I felt his presence. I was finally able to feel him again. I was more than relaxed and relieved. I was listening to his heartbeat as we laid down. We were still cuddling as he placed a blanket on our tired bodies.

– I would enjoy a nice breakfast tomorrow. At our favourite place. I hope you would like it too. – He put his hand on my back and he caressed my lower back. He said those things with a nice low tone.

– I'd love that. – I was trying to hide my excitement.

– Okay love. We should get a good sleep before that. – He whispered into my ears and gave me a long kiss before i could say anything.

The morning after i got up with such an enthusiastic smile. I tapped his side of the bed and i felt terrible again when i found out he was missing.

– Oh god... – I mumbled to myself.

I heard a big clashing noise coming from the kitchen downstairs. I felt some kind of relief and places my head back on the pillow.

He opened the door with his leg, and i noticed a cup of coffee in his hand.

– I know, we are heading out for breakfast but i also know you wouldn't leave the house without one. – He talked like he is a genius and handed me the mug.

– Thank you! – I smiled in joy as i smelled the double espresso.

– Your bad habit, ma'am. How could i forget. – He placed a cigarette inside my mouth and lighted for me. I couldn’t help but smile as he put the lighter into his pocket.

– What a gentleman. – I laughed at his words and i put the cigarette down in the ashtray as i sipped my coffee. His admiration was so strong that i could sense it from miles. His eyes were sparkling and he let out a kind chuckle. He sat down on the couch and watched me enjoying my first "meal" of the day.

– You know i will always be here for you, love.

His comforting presence gave me a wholesome feeling. His words were pure and genuine as he looked deeply into my eyes.

– I know. I will always be there for you too.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Some replies! A couple about daily posting, some about twst boys.

Anonymous asked:

I hope you don’t feel rushed to post every alternate day. It’s your blog, and if you ever want to take breaks, please take as much time as you want! Always prioritise yourself first! Anyway, that aside, thank you for bestowing upon this fandom such incredible work!

Thank you so much, Anon! This is very sweet, I am very happy to hear that!

Don’t worry about it: we love this blog too much to let ourselves get burnt out by it, so whenever we’ll need it, we’ll take breaks or skip days. Fortunately, you guys are very understanding of our circumstances, so it’s all good <3

Anonymous asked:

I did see the tail post (though I had to check twt before realizing it was a tail... I didn't see the caption.) You just tend to upload multiple times every day (now that I think about it, how do you work with all the art? I want a job with that much free time! ...Sleep is important despite what Idia would say) so I was worried. Glad to know your ok!

-(Overly(?)-)Anxious Anon

P.S. Sorry if I asked to many personal questions: boundaries are not my strong suit. Feel free to ignore them, and please tell me if I make you uncomfortable. I really like your work, and I would hate to make you feel uncomfortable by asking something too personal.

It's okay, Anon; I understand! It must be weird when someone who posts multiple times per day suddenly doesn't post anything, but it really isn't anything to be worried about. It also still feels a little bit weird to skip even a day after that twitter thing that happened in May on my fucking birthday. It was a month-long forced break, and it still haunts us lol Your questions and concerns are perfectly fine and not out of any boundaries.

I draw a lot and pretty much all the time: I start the day by drawing for work (commissions and such, up to six hours), then I take a break to write replies (one hour, or sometimes more, on weekends it can go up to two), then I prepare something for us to post (2-3 hours) + draw for fun for the rest of the day. I also have long sketching sessions whenever I can, and it usually results with a bunch of simple sketches. And we always end up having some stuff to post. Well, usually it’s too much stuff lol Fortunately, I don’t have to ever think about what to post because Katsu does pretty much 100% of our posting. Because of that, I can focus on what I love to do most – you guessed it, drawing. I can’t stress enough how much it helps me out woah.

We usually post replies at around tea time in our time zone (well, Katsu’s), and we post my art ~three hours before going to bed, so to us, this posting feels like once a day. Things for ko-fi and my private twitter are posted in the morning, but if ko-fi posts are twice per day, then one of them is in the evening for us... It’s a lot to keep in mind lol But sometimes we have a couple of things to post, ofc, so these go an hour before our usual posting time so that we won’t replace it with something fewer people are going to like. This is why I said that it helps me out a lot...

I am pretty sure that I am an obsessive weirdo when it comes to drawing, but to be honest, I’ve always been this way. Don’t worry though, I take good care of myself and after a certain point stop drawing for the day; plus, I never draw when I’m tired, and I would never force myself when my back or hand hurt (that doesn’t really happen btw).

And I know that we probably won’t be able to post twst every day for the rest of our lives (for starters, we won’t be into twst forever, as sad as it is…), but for now we can and we’re having fun with it, so I’m very happy about it! Thank you for enjoying our stuff; I say it all the time, but I mean it.

It’s going to sound cheesy, but for now I feel very happy and lucky to be able to draw so much and post so often. With the help of people around me (especially Katsu), with your support, it’s been really great. I want to keep doing it while it lasts and while I can.

Anonymous asked:

Yes, I’d like his number. But considering how old he is maybe smoke signals are more up his valley

(this is about Lilia)

Apparently he likes written letters, Anon, so maybe it will work just as nicely lol

Anonymous asked:

Great. I now low-key ship desperate/thirsty ghost and rook

Well, let’s be honest. Rook would.

[ugh-yoongi]

hello, friends 🫶🏻

just a psa/personal rant?? not really a rant but

i wanted to talk about a few things, and i think the cleanest and easiest segue is to say: i have left all of my writing networks. it is 100% nothing personal to any of them, i have enjoyed each and every one, but there are a few reasons why.

one, i am not active in any of the discord servers, so there was ✨anxiety✨ about not contributing and feeling obligated.

two (and this is the segue part): obviously these networks have a big reach, and i am feeling more and more anxious about exposing my work to the masses.

it’s a double-edged sword, because i write what i want and what makes me happy, but there is always a part of me that wants feedback and wants other people to see and enjoy it. but it has been tense here lately and the “please do not perceive me” feelings are REAL.

there is just… no nuance anymore. me posting “i don’t think it was a good decision for jungkook to go to qatar” turned into a bunch of anons calling me islamophobic and a bunch of other stuff. me saying it was a bad look for jimin to feature on a song by a r*pist turned into “you can’t have an opinion because you’re a rap line stan.”

i’m most certainly not perfect. i try to do the right thing. but tumblr has turned into a place where you will get bullied off the site if someone does not like you personally and decides you’re the internet’s villain of the day. you are put into situations you cannot win. if you defend yourself, you’re making excuses. if you don’t, you’re guilty and all those things people accused you of being are true.

it is literally this tweet:

this is not a fandom known for being welcoming of discourse, but we have to be able to give others grace. there has to be nuance. like, we are literally stanning bts, who have done and said and written problematic things. we should not excuse intentionally harmful behavior, but we need to be able to have conversations and believe, to a certain extent, that not everyone behaves in malicious ways.

we all fuck up and will continue to do so. i hope your mistakes are handled with grace and you are given the benefit of the doubt, and i hope you extend that grace when others inevitably make mistakes as well.

i am not involved in drama here. i am 31 years old and too old and tired. i just want to write and cry over seokjin and shitpost with my friends.

i’m sure this has all been said before, but: i was offline at the time everything went down with m (shout-out the fucking car accident i got in on my way to pick up my friends from the airport, why did this seemingly happen to everyone??) but they are someone i have interacted with both here and offline, and how all of that played out was fucked up, to say the least. others have explained it far more eloquently than me, but it bears repeating.

so while i love writing and i love sharing my work, there is a part of me that’s anxious every time i post. including this. i will continue to do so and hope that this site becomes warmer and more welcoming, because i see a lot of posts lamenting writers leaving or deactivating, and i just think: “well, yeah.”

enough has been said about interaction and the like/reblog ratio, which is definitely a huge part. it can be demoralizing to spend so much time and effort writing a fic that gets little interaction. but the environment is a big part, too, and i’m hopeful that can change.

(but also—protect your peace, whatever that means for you. unfollow that person. block that tag. you don’t have to engage with everything, especially if it raises your blood pressure. one of the few good things about the internet is that you’re largely able to curate your experience. don’t feel guilty about taking advantage of that.)

i will finish this by saying: i am always open to having conversations so long as they’re in good faith. it is not anyone’s place to police my behavior, but if i ever do or say something that is not cool, you are more than welcome to address it with me. i encourage you to do so. as flor once said: comfort can’t help me grow up.

love u all. pls be nice to one another. 🖤

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hi! This is for your redacted match-up game because I love reading them (you put so much work and thought into them!!) and it seemed super fun ^v^ (if you have the time for it ofc. If you can't do this then it’s totally cool and you can just brush it away from your to do pile <3 also thank you if you do this one)

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? It was hard to choose, buuuuttt I chose, “Greenlight” by Pitbull ft. Flo Rida, LunchMoney Lewis, because of the vibe and it’s a song that reminds me of summer 2016, which was such a fun summer for me (and it’s been in my head for the past day). No specific lyrics or verses I like since I don’t usually listen to songs because of the lyrics. Altho if they have beautiful lyrics (like Hozier songs) then more props to the song :)

What is your Enneagram type? Type 3w4. 

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? I like to watch really long videos, but I’m not sure if they count as essays. I watch “BHultra” a lot. I watch a lot more commentary/essay videos that are 30-40 minutes long (mostly talking about childhood tv shows or fashion/fashion history).

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. Didn’t have one, but I lied and said I “had an imaginary friend named Bob”, because I thought I was supposed to have one and thought the name Bob was funny.

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? Gotta have a heavier blanket somewhere on me, as well as sleeping on my stomach or on my side as well as with my stuffed animal. More often than not I have to fall asleep and listen to older youtube videos that I watched when I was a kid because I already know what happens and they are comfort vids.

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) I like my name, but if I'd have to change it, I’d like the name Adelaide. It’s classic and sweet sounding. 

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? One of my favorite audios is Milo’s “Healing Your Feisty Werewolf Boyfriend” because I love the parallel to the first time Sweetheart healed him, and the cuddling at the end is so cute!

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) I’m not sure how much hype he has, but Ivan is kinda just meh. I’m not super into the yandere thing (even though I know Vega kinda led that whole ordeal) and the rest of his videos are alright, but, don’t really excite me a whole bunch to relisten to them. (Still haven’t listen to quite a few of the other characters, like Vega, Regulus, Anton, Brachium, but I’ll get there eventually).

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. Gravity Falls. I’ve watched it wayyy too many times and can literally quote the majority of the episodes.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? I really would like to be friends with Huxley. He’s so chill and sweet. Absolutely can vibe with the dude. Also, maybe, Guy. He’s much more energetic and I don’t think I could match his pace all of the time without tiring quickly (i usually try to match people’s personalities when I’m with them), but I think he’d be super fun to go places with, as well as I would enjoy gossiping and talking about writing stuff with him.

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) If I’m tired I don’t normally talk a whole bunch, but I do start thinking about life and how short and long it is, and all the wonderful things and how much I’ve grown as a person. And if I start feeling anxious, then that’s when I realize that I am way past “kinda tired” and I should be going to sleep.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. Don’t have a “go-to” gas station but I always get a blue raspberry slushie/icee

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. “𝙥𝙤𝙫: 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙞𝙙𝙙𝙡𝙚 𝙨𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙡 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝟐𝟎𝟎𝟗-𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟐 :3 (Part 1)” on Youtube. Majority of those songs are dance songs and all those songs bring back good memories. I really like more hyper sounding music than slower songs.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why? Hmm roleplay asmr is probably the biggest guilty pleasure I have, since I don’t talk about it with anyone. Also listening to Nickelback would probably be another big guilty pleasure, even though lots of people like it, listening to it is still “lol you listen to Nickelback?? really???”.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! INFP; 99% sure I have anxiety and OCD (haven’t actually gotten professionally diagnosed bcuz of reasons, cuz oof); Oldest kid; I really like to draw, read and write; I really like taking pictures of the sky and candid shots; I’m a very nostalgic person (altho my answers probably make that obvious); Can’t watch horror movies; Love cats; People think I’m always upset or angry cuz of my resting bitch face but I literally am not usually thinking of any mean response to whatever is happening, I’m just absorbing everything happening; Not a super big math/coding person (kudos to anyone that is great at that stuff, you’re absolutely awesome for that!); i guess sort of a pushover unless I really really care about something; anddddd i'm kinda the therapist friend.

Easy peasy- a therapist friend needs a partner who is least likely to need a therapist and/or is skilled enough at handling boundaries to know the proper place to seek therapy which is not with you. Hence, Camelopardalis!

Of course, those aren’t the only reasons. Type Threes are characterized by a desire to be loved and to be sure of that love, and Cam gives me the impression of an openly affectionate and communicative partner. He’s an introvert; you’re an introvert. You’re a nostalgic-kind of person; who better to share in that than an eons-old, immortal daemon? (Until told otherwise by God and/or Erik, the d(a)emons are heckin ancient to me.) Cam is also a great partner to pair if suffering from anxiety and compulsions, almost the most out of all the boys.

Life with Camelopardalis would be so sweet, so domestic, so full of the joy of sharing with him everyday human delights he might not take part in usually. For starters, you obviously get a cat. He objectively knew a cat would be cool, but with you, he learns to love cats. You also show him Gravity Falls which he doesn’t expect to like; he’s surprised by what a heartfelt show it is for being animated and based on such a silly concept. (He feels a lot for Mabel, as he should /lh) He loves your art but especially your photos of the sky. He puts them all over your shared house, and they stay up even after you’re gone.

Song:

Like the shadow that's by your side/ I'll be there/ For better or worse/ 'Til death do us part/ I'll love you with every beat of my heart/ I swear/ I'll give you everything I can/ I'll build your dreams with these two hands/ We'll hang some memories on the wall/ And when there's silver in your hair/ You won't have to ask if I still care/ 'Cause as time turns the page/ My love won't age at all

Though you like nostalgic songs that are more suited to dancing, I think Cam likes nostalgic songs that are more contemplative and slow. For you two, I settled on a song that’s more of a nostalgic, slow dance vibe, you know what I mean? I couldn’t resist for two reasons. One, the lyrics of devoted, lasting love suited him too well. Two, it delighted me and tickled me pink to imagine Cam listening to a nineties boy band.

Runner-ups:

Geordi is my favorite runner-up for you, because he’s another great partner for a Type Three, another boy who’s very openly loving and sweet. He’s also, if I remember correctly, canonically been to therapy already, so he’s less likely to need your services as a therapy friend. Morgan is a runner-up because I like this vibe in tandem with your anxiety; like, I think he’d be a calming, comforting presence to you. Also, you two should get a cat.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[victoriouscabaret]

I was tagged by the forever lovely @chaeza! Thank you friend! <3

Do you make your bed? When I remember to/feel like it. Mornings are usually chaos for me, so getting dressed and making myself look presentable usually takes priority over making the bed.

Favorite number? 9

What's your job? Office Manager. I’m happy with it. Definitely not burnt out like I was when I did funerals. I do really miss being a mortician though. Helping people and taking care of them during a tremendously hard time was so fulfilling, and I don’t think I’ll ever not be fascinated by death from a psychological, cultural, and medical perspective. Alas…

Can you parallel park? With a good deal of swearing and asking myself why I’m even doing this.

Do you think aliens are real? It would be stranger if they weren’t.

Can you drive a manual car? Better than a few, worse than most.

What's your guilty pleasure? Hmmm… I don’t really like sweets or candy, but I could absolutely devastate a package of dark chocolate covered orange peels. Those little things are unfairly tasty.

Tattoos? A teeeeeeny tiny Tolkien illustration of Smaug above the crook of my left arm, a hand holding a candle and a flower with the solar system around it (the universe I guess according to the artist? That’s what she called it at least. Its dope and I love it) on my right thigh, a tribal-esque snake that I drew when I was 19 and decided I needed it on me permanently, so it’s between my shoulder blades and has aged terribly. Going to get that covered up with a Big Ass Panther or something probably. Aaaaand a tragic stick n poke on the inside of my left ankle that I did when I was 17 and thought I was edgy. It looks like nothing. Just a bunch of faded dots of ink in the suggestion of a circle. I love tattoos and held off getting any after my snake for so long because I was worried about family and society judging me, but I’ve recently realized how absolutely fucking ridiculous that is, so I’ve already got my next three planned out lol.

Favorite color? Green

Favorite types of music? Any and all. If it’s got a danceable groove or great lyrics, it’s for me.

Do you like puzzles? Hyperfocusing on jigsaw puzzles is one of my favourite pastimes, but I have two cats, and one of them especially likes to “help” so I just don’t bother these days lol. Some brain puzzles stress me out, and numbers don’t work properly in my brain so stuff like Sudoku isn’t for me. I really enjoy riddles and logic puzzles.

Any phobias? Spiders, enclosed spaces, and heights.

Favorite childhood sport? I really enjoyed most sports as a kid and am a naturally athletic person. I really wanted to do hockey, but certain people thought that dancing was more appropriate for a girl, so into ballet I went for years. I did enjoy dancing a lot, and after I quit ballet and jazz, I started ballroom dancing and competed in country ballroom and swing until I turned 18.

Do you talk to yourself? I think my head would literally explode if I didn’t.

What movies do you adore? Oh man… so many. Comfort ones that I’ll always be happy to watch are: The Princess Bride, Kill Bill Vol. 1&2, Only Lovers Left Alive, the lotr trilogy, Moulin Rouge, and Wristcutters: A Love Story

Coffee or Tea? Coffee, but have ventured more into tea over the past year or so. My caffeine sensitivity went bananas when I still did funerals - I think because the funeral coffee I drank all day, every day was so strong my body was eventually just like “nope” so I can have like… max one coffee a day now otherwise I’m just anxious AND tired but can’t fall asleep at bedtime.

First thing you wanted to be growing up? An acrobat lol.

Non-obligatory tags: @thefallenangelsgang, @preciouslittlebhaalbae, @allofthebarks, @myheartismadeofstars, @inkymoonbunny

[pbandjesse]

I was not feeling to bad today but right at the end of the afternoon I absolutely fell apart and I feel horrible tonight. But I will go to sleep soon and hopefully it will fix me.

I didn't sleep amazing. I lost my phone over the side of the bed and wouldn't be able to find it until my alarm went off at 7. But I felt okay. I got up and got dressed and tried my best to be okay. But it was tough. Today would be tough even though I wasn't as actively nauseous for a lot of it. I would just be kind of bleh.

I really had to pull myself together to not be snippy. I was more quick to anger then I was proud of. But I was really trying my best.

I got to camp and set things up. I had my breakfast. I felt okay. It was a very very humid day. It was supposed to storm but it didn't rain? It was just oppressively humid.

The groups would be pretty good though. We did lose another hammock to tearing. Sad. But I am not even exactly sure how it happened. It just had a hole all of a sudden. And even though it wasn't actually torn all the way yet, I took it down in an abundance of caution. I didn't need a kid falling down.

I did a lot of knitting today. I made 4 more squares. I am making excellent progress.

I did have a fun day. I enjoyed talking to councilors and the kids. I just wasn't feeling very good.

I would bring Mac and cheese to lunch. They had waffle fries and cheese sauce so I also had a little plate of cheese fries. I said hello to the kitchen staff and had a nice time sitting with specialty staff for a bit. But pretty quickly I went to hang in my hammock.

I did stop to talk to Heather and got the camp credit card to buy plaster for next week. And collected a bunch of lost and found from outside the picnic grove. But mainly it was time to chill.

When I got back up to my building I found a few other counselors taking their break in some of my hammocks. Fine with me. It was nice to hear them chatting and laughing. I was just enjoying laying down. It was a nice day.

I was a little anxious about the afternoon. 4 groups in a row is a lot. But it would mainly be fine. It was. Just a lot of answering the same questions. And I was tired.

Day camp was fine. Bontkirchen was nice and fun. I enjoyed teaching them how to make bead lizards and just talking. And then horse camp came last and they smelled like horses which turned my stomach a bit but they were nice. Silly. Teasing eachother a ton but no one was actually upset. They have one little boy and he's a very good sport for how much they were teasing him, he was getting them right back. It was great.

Aaron texted me asking if I wanted some of the eggs from our chickens. And I said yes. So he would bring me 4 eggs (there has been 5 but one broke) and asked me to let him know if the difference eggs tasted different (we have two types of chickens). I promised I would.

I went to get dinner at Wawa. I am really glad I did that because the drive was miserable. While I had been mainly fine all day. Only a little nausea. During my drive I felt like I was going to throw up. It was terrible.

Eating did help. I got my sandwich and chips.sns sipped water in the car. Even the idea of soda made me queasy. I sucked on lemon candy and tried to be okay.

Home Depot was miserable. I circled and circled and circled. I thought I was doing good at first. Finding the ornamental grasses (I wanted the tallest plants I could find for under $20. These were $12) and the plaster. But I was struggling to find anything else on my list. I was not having a good time.

I would ask for help but nothing was working. I did get the brackets for the bathroom shelf at least. I would pay but I was disgusted by how poorly the trip went and was very upset.

I passed a Lowe's so I tried there too but no luck and the workers were very laissez-faire about what I was asking. So rather then crying in the garden center I just bought two planters for the grass I got at Home Depot and went home.

I melted down in the car after I parked. I was struggling to get my things inside. I called James but they weren't answering and I had to set off an alarm on their phone to get them to see my message and I hate doing that. And then the package with the replacement parts for our roomba was stolen off our steps. I didn't even mean to send it to the house. I meant to send it to camp. And I screamed into the couch and was just so upset. I wouldn't even let James sit with me. I couldnt take it.

I needed to just lay there on the couch for a long time.

James was making a little pizza. They would take a shower and then went on a little walk to give me some space while I was trying to calm down.

When they got back they would repot my grass for the backyard. I think it looks great and I'm excited for our backyard coming together.

I would try to make things better by buying the things I couldn't find at the store on Amazon. And I did some research and was able to find lattice to add to our fence so the gap at the bottom won't be an issue anymore. We had lattice under our deck when I was a kid and I always liked how it looked. James is going to order it so I can pick it up tomorrow. And hopefully it works out the way I am picturing it.

I took a bath and some Tylenol. And my head ache is going away I think. But I'm going to sip water and try and sleep. And hopefully tomorrow I feel a little better and less sad. Fingers crossed.

I love you all. Goodnight everybody.

[wellthebardsdead]

The loved & the forgotten pt20

Part 19 here

———

Vivienne: *seated in his room in the wretching netch, bored out of his mind after several days of being made to rest, and feeling guilty over his friends wearing themselves out trying to get him to tell them what he wants, what he wants for himself, not for them, or for anyone else, just himself* … *rubs his eyes sniffling as he remembers trying to initiate love making with Kaidan & Taliesin only for both of them to decline him, both of them saying it’s what’s best for him right now* I don’t understand… they keep asking me what I want… and I want them… I want to love them but… they push me away… am I doing something wrong?… *looks to the spider sitting by his book, there seemed to be a lot more of them around since he strengthened his relationship with Mephala beyond mutual acceptance*

The spider: *just taps it’s two front legs in response*

Vivienne: *sighs and continues reading before looking up as he hears a knock at the door* huh? *gets up putting on his dragon mask and walking to it before peering out to see the second councillor there looking visibly anxious* Mr Arano??

Adril Arano: Ah- dragonborn I. I understand now is not the best of times and lord nerevar will be furious with me for asking this of you when you are meant to be recovering but… The councillor is in danger…

Vivienne: danger?… *opens the door further* come in…

*a few minutes later*

Vivienne: *exits his room a few minutes after the second councillor leaves, muatra on his back and quietly scanning the room to make sure none of team dragonborn can question where he’s going… only to turn his head to see miraak leaning against the wall by the door looking at him* EEEK- fuck! Miraak you scared me!

Miraak: where are you going dragonborn?

Vivienne: I’m not telling you you’ll tell Kaidan & Tali and then they’ll be even more upset with me.

Miraak: I’ve sworn my loyalty to you dragonborn. Whatever you tell me in secret is kept between us.

Vivienne: …I’m going to kill a bunch of assassins after the councillor.

Miraak: *summons his sword and staff* okay then. Let’s go.

Vivienne: I? You’re coming?

Miraak: I’m not about to let you face multiple enemies on your own… I fear being beaten to death by your lovers more than I do you complaining about ‘not needing help’…

Vivienne: *sighs* okay, let’s try to make this quick.

*That evening*

Vivienne: *dressed only in a nightshirt too big for him, seated on his new bed, in his new house (severin manor), after being gifted it by the second councillor for ‘solving their problem’. Now quietly bowing his head as Kaidan throws a fit at him and Taliesin calmly brushes his hair for him* I-I’m sorry…

Taliesin: shhh it’s alright, you had miraak with you-

Kaidan: ITS NOT ALRIGHT AND AFTER IM DONE TELLING YOU HOW ANGRY I AM IM FINDING HIM AND KILLING HIM FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!

Taliesin: Kaidan.

Kaidan: HES SUPPOSED TO BE RESTING TALIESIN! *rubs his face in exasperation* gods Vivi why do you keep doing what other people want you to do?

Vivienne: C-councillor morvayne was going to be assassinated I had to do something!

Kaidan: Why did you go behind our backs then?! Why did you only take miraak with you!?

Vivienne: *looks up at him with tears bubbling in his eyes, taking in how tired he looks* because… *looks at Taliesin to see he looks equally tired* all I’ve done is drain your energy… you’re both so tired and I didn’t want to bother you with another of my problems…

Kaidan: *walks to him and gently holds his face in his hands stroking his cheek* why is it, whenever you want something it’s always concerning somebody else?…

Vivienne: b-because I only ever want three things… I want everyone I care about to be happy… *gently slides his hand onto Kaidans, holding it to his cheek before reaching back and taking taliesins hand* and you two… *looks down sadly before letting them go placing his hands back in his lap* but each time I show you that I want you you push me away and tell me I can’t have you… I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong… *sniffles and dries his eyes*

Taliesin: *gears in his brain finally clicking, realising the times vivienne was trying to initiate intimacy wasn’t just him attempting to please them, he was trying to show them love in the only way he knew how* … *sets the brush down and gently pulls him back into his arms making the dunmer let out a startled gasp* can I kiss you?…

Kaidan: I- what? Taliesin what are you-

Taliesin: *looks at him, silencing him with his gaze before looking back to vivienne for an answer*

Vivienne: *heart fluttering and whole body welling up with emotions as he’s finally given what he’s been wanting* y-yes please…

Taliesin: *smiles and kisses him softly with a sweet, deep moan, one hand holding Vivi close, and the other grabbing Kaidan by his trousers pulling him onto the bed to join them*

Kaidan: I- wait hold on a minute we-

Taliesin: *pulls away from the kiss briefly making his sun and night skinned lover whine sweetly* shhh *gives him another small kiss before looking back at Kaidan* we keep asking what he wants and he wants us. Now stop being mean to him and drop your pants.

Kaidan: I- *looks to see vivienne looking at him with such sad, needy eyes, just wanting to be held and loved by him without being pushed away again* …OH!

*the next morning*

Vivienne: *fast asleep in his bed, two pillows strategically placed either side of him by his lovers as they sneak out to the kitchen to make breakfast and chat*

Taliesin: *quietly preparing ingredients* …

Kaidan: *stoking the fire* …

Taliesin: …He put in more work to please us then we did him again didn’t he?

Kaidan: *sighs* Yep. No matter how many times I tried to gain control over the situation to make him relax and let me do the work, he managed to find some way of turning it around on us.

Taliesin: he looked like he was ready to pass out by the time he’d finally made you finish. I was ready to catch him in case he actually did…

Kaidan: *sighs rubbing his face* why’s it so hard for him to just be a pillow princess and let us make him feel good for a change? In stead of him working and making love to us like he’s afraid if he doesn’t well leave hi-

*Knock! Knock! Knock!*

Taliesin: *looks down at himself* Kaidan I’m not wearing any clothing can you-

Kaidan: Yep I’ll answer it-… maybe go get dressed though in case-

[y0d00p]

you play videogames aside from mario and kirby? (i think you posted about meteroid recently lol?). i followed for kirby but i do get kinda curious. i'd expect you to be into horror games but i don't recall having seen you talk about that before (though you dont seem like the type to be into mainsteam mascot-esque horror lmao)

yeah!! lots of games!! i really love the binding of isaac and minecraft and splatoon but my focus on them comes and goes, like every once in a while i get back into one and go way too hard for a while and then not touch again for like a year lol. i also play FF14, omni-90 on my main and finished endwalker on 3 more alts

i like metroid and zelda and pokemon (my favourite gens are 3 and 7). i love portal and inscryption and the lisa rpgs and okami. i've played a bunch of others but these are like all the ones i play "regularly" or have replayed often (that i can think of atm)

i can't play horror games if there's any "real time" threats or like time limits/hiding etc because they just make me anxious (not scared) and it's not fun for me. really this kinda applies to any genre (the silent realms in skyward sword were a nightmare for me) but most of the horror genre is like built off this stuff lol

world of horror is fun. i liked the first layers of fear. i love anything horror adjacent or with horror themes, especially when it shows up in non-horror games. and any horror games where the horror comes from atmosphere/themes and not Surviving Danger

but i still love all horror games 😭 i just watch other people play them. silent hill is so special to me, it was one of the earliest things that got me into horror and i love it a lot even though i definitely wouldn't ever be able to play any of them

mascot horror is fine, it's not inherently bad just for being mascot horror, like it can be done well. and it can suck really bad. i am not tired of the "cute friendly thing is evil!!! aahhh!!" trope at all lol

[yorshie]

This isn’t really a request and sorry you can ignore me if you don’t really do this but I was wondering what turtle (2014 movie) you think I’d get along with best. Cause I honestly don’t know which one I’d date or would want to date me😂

Because I’m introverted (I like my me time but act like an extrovert if I’m around a small group of people I trust I still get tired from socializing though), shy at first until I’m comfortable then you’d wish I’d shut up, and on the biology science side im a nerd but I can be fiery especially if I feel attacked or like an injustice to me or someone else, I’m protective of my friends if someone tries to pick on them.

I’m artistic, I am constantly jumping from one art project to the next, and have to force myself to finish them because adhd attention span but I am constantly trying to and having to learn new skills because of that. (Art example I’m making a waterfall for my guppy/platy tank and had to use a drill and hand held sander to run the tubing through the aquarium waterfall decor I decided to turn into a waterfall piece) and am more on the dad joke or sarcastic side of humor. I love animals and have a tendency to befriend any I can, I have been majoring in animal sciences with the goal of applying for a zookeeper job. I have a lot of extroverted friends because I open up to them faster because they are so open with me. I like Httyd, golden girls, Star Wars, Star Trek, last man standing, Tolkien (Lotr, hobbit, Silmarillion), A-team, watching animal planet and nat geo wild, voltron, transformers, I’m a nerd that also likes most music if it catches my attention just not vulgar stuff so the rap I like is minimal but country music is one of my favs being a southern bell. Being from the south I’m outdoorsy and stubborn but do my best to be respectful and polite. Southern horse girl energy and I will pick up snakes that are non-venomous. Due to me being outdoorsy and in a subtropical zone bugs get big so I had to get over my fear of spiders since we have giant golden orb-weavers and a bunch of jumping spiders that live here plus I love nature photography and was tried of being scared so I worked up from holding harvestmen arachnids (not true spiders they have a fused head and body like a potato with 8 legs) and went to my local zoo and volunteered to try to hold a tarantula. Kinda anxious because I’ve been picked on before at school when I was younger I was that book worm nerd that would info dump stuff I was learning about and had friends I grew up with ghost me after high school graduation that said they’d keep in touch. If it helps infp 2w3 and my fav color is blue, my style is comfort (yoga/sweat/jean pants and a graphic tee-shirt) unless it’s a special occasion. One of my fav outfits is galaxy print pants, a nasa space t-shirt, with a solar system bracelet, and a space shuttle necklace. I have sandy brown-dirty blonde hair but I love to dye my hair a natural red copper with platinum blonde money pieces framing my face.

I needed some help with this one nonnie, so I’m handing the ask off to my dear friend @luckycharms1701 . Neither of us are match up blogs though so it might not be what you expected, but I hope you have a wonderful day and best of luck when classes start back up in the fall! :

hehe yorshie is entirely too trusting and is letting ME answer this!! muahaha!

anyway, if you search ‘tmnt matchmaker’ on tumblr you can find people who will match you to one of the turtles! yorkshire does not do that, but i’ve heard that there are lots of others who will!

let me take a crack at it though! there are arguments for all of them, but it sounds to me like donnie would be a good match for you! he appreciates someone who likes to learn as much as he does, and would be excited to learn new things from you! he would also love that you want to grow by facing your fears, that will earn a lot of respect from him. He is polite and gentlemanly without being overbearing.

damn. this shit is hard. mad respect to the people who do this stuff on the regular

[traumatizeddfox]

hi! so i was wondering a couple of trauma-related things.

tws for: bullying, dissociation, educational trauma, medical trauma, burnout, self-esteem issues, self-harm/suicidal ideation, long ask (i don't know the importance of these so i'm listing them just in case)

so i've had some things happening to me recently, and in total, and i was wondering about what your perception of them might be, just because i'd like outside perspective.

cyber-bullying: when i was younger, during the pandemic, i was still in school. i played minecraft with my friends a lot on a server. one of the guys on the server, let's call him v, joined after the rest of us. i wasn't very good at minecraft, and as the only girl i was sometimes teased. after v joined he started doing things that were upsetting and i told him not to. for instance, he'd lure me to "help him with mining", then kill my character and make me lose progress. he'd chase me around and hit me with swords (in game). the worst experience i had with him was when he trapped my character in a room i couldn't escape, and just hit me over and over and didn't let me leave. when i brought it up to the server moderator he was reluctant to do anything, and the other guys there weren't very supportive. eventually, i got my parents to intervene, and i don't play minecraft with v (or on servers in general) anymore. my question: was this cyberbullying? am i right to still be sensitive about it?

medical trauma: i was diagnosed with a type of chronic headaches about a year and a half ago. every day, all day, my head would hurt. eventually, i got treatment, by process of routine procedures and an eventual semi-surgery/procedure requiring anesthesia. however, i sometimes/often get headaches nowadays, and i have a tendency to think my head hurts a lot. my question: would this be a trauma response to my previous headaches (ie, misconstruing/exaggerating/overreacting to small headaches)?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: i am currently in high school, which i am having an awful time with. i used to have fun in school, and i like learning, but my highschool is very large. i have asd and issues with executive dysfunction, so i'm tired all the time after socializing at school. i have trouble focusing, and often feel very bad about not getting homework done. i am currently in a constant state of exhaustion, feeling like crying all the time. i've also noticed recently that when i'm at school i kind of check out, just stop being in myself per se, try to do something like reading that takes me away, and am sort of in a fugue state. my question: does this seem like dissociation? do you have suggestions for me to fix it?

self-esteem issues: i have issues with self-esteem where i have excessive guilt and respond to any criticism with self-hatred and beating myself up. there's a little voice in my head that tells me i'm awful, i have guilt attacks where i feel like stabbing or cutting myself. my question: do these things seem like they could be a symptom of trauma, or more of just rsd or something else?

thanks so much for consideration :) sorry the ask is so long

-anon ida

Hi Ida! Ill try to answer as best as I can but just remember I am not a mental health professional!

Cyberbully: I would def consider it cyber bullying, mainly because he was taunting you and just personally harassing you. even if its in-game, its still really annoying to have someone constantly chase after you, kill your character and lose progress, to me thats harassment.

Medical trauma: Im not very experienced in medical trauma, but I did get severe neck pain back in 2019/2020 and the pain was horrendous, i wasnt able to do anything, and when i get pain in my neck i get super anxious. It might not be medical trauma towards ur headaches, but it could be a panic disorder, like maybe you're in fear of the pain?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: this one im not too sure, to me it sounds more like burn out, it could be a bunch of things honestly! it could be burn out, it could lack of vitamins, it could be a list of things

self esteem issues: i have similar issues, I think the same things about myself. I cant say for certain if it's trauma, if it's thing youve heard others say to you, it could be a series of things. it could be social anxiety, it could be depression, etc.

It's definitely best to get a professional psychologist, therapist, doctor, etc to give you proper advice and information! It's a little hard for me to answer since I don't know you personally and I also am not a trained mental health professional but thank you for the ask and I hope things turn around for you!

[ayliamc]

Italia

Day 6 - On the Arno

Steps walked: 18,216

Flights climbed: 12

Vehicles ridden: 1

Points of interest visited: 3

Leonardos spotted: 3, depending on whom you ask

We woke in Venezia this morning to the sound we fell asleep to last night: a canal beginning to stir with the signs of life. Both of us were so tired so getting out of bed was a bit of a chore. But we were the first to breakfast at our hotel and our benevolent host greeted us as joyfully as ever, making us a cup of tea and a double espresso (for me and Dan respectively) while we put together a full and yummy breakfast.

We bid our host adieu and — after some deliberation about whether or not to take a water taxi to the train station, barely faster but more for the novelty of it — ultimately walked to the train station. We tried again at the coffee shop that reportedly had some vegan croissants and were early enough to snag a few for the train before they ran out. It ended up being a delightful midday snack on the train as we approached Firenze, some of the lucky few on the train who didn’t have someone sitting next to them.

‘Twas after lunch and we’d had the croissants (Italian croissants all have filling in them; there’s no such thing as a plain croissant here) to keep us from getting grumpy, but lunch was a priority. On the way we happened upon a cool old church. We took a picture with it and moved on. More on this later.

Here I am, unimpressed.

We had found a vegan restaurant kinda on the way to our Airbnb. (Now we’re in real cities, I will only patronize VEGAN RESTAURANTS!) So we trudged to Nirvana, a vegan restaurant close to the Arno, the river that runs through the heart of Florence. Florence’s Thames or Seine, if you will. I finally got to order the ravioli that I’ve been craving and Dan got a big plate with some kind of plant-based meat and some of the best potatoes I’ve ever had. Simple but so good.

Sated, we walked the rest of the way to our room, which proved to be a picturesque walk along the Arno where I could imagine that what I was seeing had once been seen by Leonardo himself. Many of the buildings certainly look old enough to have been here when he was.

Firenze is similar to Venezia in that feels fake, like a toy town or something from a movie or storybook. But they’re different in that Venezia has a kind of wrongness to it. That sounds more harsh than I mean it. But I don’t exactly know how to explain it. (Side note: i do feel kind of guilty as I imagine my friend Sean reading this and my thoughts about his dream city are that it shouldn’t be real.) But Firenze feels more like I’ve been transported back in time. But so have a LOT of other people. Other people from my time. So we’re all just a bunch of 2023 people walking around the 16th century.

I marveled at a bridge we had to cross in that there were literally apartments built onto the bridge itself, only to shortly thereafter discover that our rented room was one of those apartments! We are literally suspended over the Arno, on the Ponte Vecchio. We can see the Galleria Uffizi from our bedroom window, just down the riverbank. We later tried to identify which window is ours from the Uffizi.

So yeah, great location but it has a price: namely the shower (more on that later) and the wifi (whose connection is so bad they’re forcing my blog posts to come late because there’s literally not enough bandwidth to upload them).

The Galleria totally caught me by surprise, in terms of its existence and the items inside. For some reason I became very anxious and irritating (yeah, you read that right; irritating, not “irritable”) and I feel bad for Dan. Honey if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Thanks for putting up with me. But we got our tickets around 3:30, got a little lost and ultimately found our way, despite the museums inexplicable lack of paper maps in lieu of digital maps you can only access online, but there’s no wifi. (A docent shared in my exasperation at this. She said, and I quote, “Don’t expect things to make sense in Italy.”) Turns out this gallery holds a lot of awesome stuff. About a million and a half Roman statues, plus the mother-flippin’ Birth of Venus!

Two works from Verrocchio’s workshop that Leonardo had a hand in! (Though they straight up credited Leonardo for one of them in its entirety. They’ll really slap his name on anything now if it helps them.) And one unfinished Leonardo (that I think also had been painted in part by others)!

A Rembrandt and a Michelangelo and Caravaggio’s Medusa and a Melzi. Melzi was likely a sort of apprentice to Leonardo, and a kind of adopted son. I also learned the etymology of the word “hermaphrodite” which as soon as I learned it seemed so obvious I felt stupid.*

Here I am with the Melzi.

After the first floor (which was actually the second floor) Dan announced, “That was fun, wanna go to a cafe?” To which I replied, “That was only the first floor!” But it was indeed the second floor. You can see the confusion. In any case we spent about two hours in the museum before slowly meandering around the Uffizi square and looking at all the sculptures before walking to another vegan restaurant for dinner. Universo Vegano, this time. More good food, and we could see the Duomo down the street. (The Firenze Duomo, not the Milano Duomo.) We also took advantage of the superior wifi here (over what was offered at our apartment) so we looked up a few more points of interest and discovered that the random fancy church we passed earlier houses some tombs of note. We’ll be sure to go visit it properly tomorrow.

After dinner (with stuffed croissants in hand for breakfast) we walked by the Duomo, the one where David was originally meant to be displayed before being declared too magnificent. (We’re seeing that tomorrow.) Cool building to be sure.

A quick stop in a nearby market so we could pick up a few breakfast and snack foods** and then back for an early night over the Arno. We got to relish in the challenges of showering in an old building where the water took 5 minutes to get hot, stayed hot for about four minutes, then got cold again and stayed cold. There was a brief war as we shut out the lights when I heard a mosquito buzzing around. We tried in vain to remove her but alas. ‘Twas a comic failure. I’ve already been bitten a bunch while we’ve been here and don’t relish waking up to more welts.

Our apartment also has a window that opens down onto the Ponte and it doesn’t close — I think it’s for ventilation — so we went to bed to the sounds of a live musical performance at the bar below us and the hourly chimes of a nearby church before the city joined us in sleep.

*Hermes and Aphrodite had a child who was born both male and female. Their name? Hermaphrodite. As in Hermes + Aphrodite. You get it. So do I.

**Dan wanted to buy a bottle of wine or beer, but it was all sealed off in the market because of a soccer game… all sales of alcohol in glass or aluminum containers were forbidden in Firenze’s historical district until 7am the following day. Crazy.

[your-sweet-cookies]

Important announcement, please read

Mun speaking: Hey guys, I'm posting this now since I'm seeing that a lot of you are online so maybe you'll see and read this. I just want to let you know that I am honestly NOT doing okay at all emotionally speaking. I've been actually hurting deeply for quite some time and due to recent events, I have finally hit rock bottom and just can't take this anymore: Thing is that lately I've started to feel extremely unwanted and unloved by the community and that my relevance on here has dropped to nothing (best proof being my activity stats that dropped to under 10 notes on more than one occasion these past few days and maybe weeks), soo I guess the haters were right, in the end I am nothing but a boring person with an even more boring character.

And it's okay, you don't have to lie to try to make me feel better, because I just know it's true and even if I tried to be strong, I just can't do it anymore. There were more factors that contributed to this and I'll try to briefly explain them:

First of all, no one reaches out to me to send in stuff outside of memes and no one wants to talk to me, except 2-3 people with whom I'm mostly only talking about stuff outside of RP anyways. The stuff I usually got in my inbox were just memes that never got feedback or went anywhere and If I disappeared it's clear that no one even noticed, so it means that my presence on here truly is useless, life moves on without me anyways. All my ships are dead, all my threads ignored/forgotten and my inbox is an empty desert.

Then, there were of course the haters. At first I thought they were just a bunch of jealous people, but now I realize they were right, I am just a no one who nobody likes and I am just tired of receiving pity from others, since it won't change a thing. If people truly cared, then they would've proven the haters wrong with concrete action, but since no one did so, it's too late to change the facts now.

And lastly, what hurt most, was the way I was treated by those I saw as friends, who just decided to just abandon me one day without any further notice. I won't name names, but just know that what you did truly hurt me because I trusted you and I cherished you! Yeah, I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but I believe that I am entitled to at least one explanation and a 'break-up' note to at least allow me to move on knowing that there's no more hope left for that friendship. Ghosting someone is never the right answer!

With that said (which I am sorry if it came out as mostly bitter, but I'm emotionally drained completely), I've decided to retire from the RP community, since it's became literally painful seeing the dashboard go on given the current circumstances. This acc won't be gone, I'll keep it for memory's sake and to maybe post artwork related to Kukki and her friends from time to time, make memes and chat with the Muns I am still close with. In regards to the all-mad-hare's event, I will still deliver my entry since the sketch is almost done and I am very pleased with the result, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I will stop using this acc for role-playing because I just can't go on like this anymore. There's no pain worse than feeling horribly alone, despite being surrounded by soo many people. I just don't have any drive or motivation left for writing. It was fun at first while it lasted, but now it's just painful and I'm tired of crying everyday and feeling anxious and stressed whenever I see the dash going on and then remember that no one gives a fuck about me.

With that said, I hope there won't be any hard feelings and know that I still love you guys and so does Kukki, but even the strongest warriors have their limits and this one reached hers.

Wishing you all the best, S

[100dayproductivity]

25/100.

I am sooo tired today. Anyone else? 🙋‍♀️ One thing I am noticing about myself is that my energy comes in ebbs and flows. Or maybe it's fits and spurts? 🤔 I can have a really energized, productive couple of days, then I crash. And I'm always trying to fight this/feel guilty about it. Maybe it's time to allow myself to go with my own flow instead of fighting against it all the time.

So today is a crash day. Feeling burnt out. I've wasted a lot of time today, playing games on my phone on the couch. But sort of feeling bored with doing nothing as well. So I thought I might as well update Tumblr on my venture into bullet journaling.

It's only been a few days but going well so far. I've been writing absolutely every little task, and sub-task, that pops into my head. Has really helped me keep on track. I'm finding that I feel a little more relaxed when I jot something down because I know that as long as I keep referring to my list, I won't forget anything I was going to do. It could be something as simple as not forgetting that there are wet clothes in the wash that need to be put in the dryer. Or that I need to remember to pick up some milk on my way back from the post office. Jotting it down seems to free up some mental energy I would normally use to keep these little tasks in the back of my mind while doing larger tasks. It's also been helping me be more efficient. A few times I've noticed that while looking over my to-do list, I've been able to batch tasks together to save time and energy.

Right now I'm not feeling too anxious about doing nothing because I know what's on my list and there isn't anything on it that I can't do tomorrow. And, knowing me, after a crash like this, I will feel energized and productive again (eventually).

So, about the bullet journaling specifically: I'm starting with the bare bones, basic "core" layouts as per the Ryder Carol original bullet journal. Index, Future Log, Monthly, Weekly, Daily. No art, no fancy layouts, no frills. I added a reading log right away, as I'm currently trying to meet reading goals every night. And I just added a lights out/wake up log a couple of nights ago.

I know that you are supposed to customize your journal to your own needs, and I'm already thinking about some changes. I've already started doing a "rolling daily log" instead of migrating unfinished tasks every day. I just scratch out yesterday's date and put today's. If some unfinished tasks get left behind too many pages back, I'll migrate them then.

I'm also thinking about maybe dividing the daily log into three sections horizontally per page. As a task pops into my head, I'll jot it down in one of the three sections based on: a) priority and b) time of day. For instance, the other day I needed to remember that a neighbour was dropping by in the evening to discuss something and I had to remember to give her back her key then. It was jotted down halfway up the page, and there were a bunch of tasks that I jotted down, and completed, after it. With the three sections method, I would have instead jotted it down further down the page in the third section. That way, it wouldn't have gotten lost in the weeds of all the tasks I completed earlier in the day. I think this will just help me visually keep a rolling list of tasks that mostly get completed from top to bottom. As well, some tasks can only be done at certain times of day (i.e. during regular business hours). So if, for instance, there's something that doesn't really matter when it gets done but, when it does, it should preferably be in the morning, I'd always jot that down in the first section of the daily log. If I miss doing it, I migrate it over to the next morning's section. I'm thinking there's probably other ways I can divide the daily log page as well, like a section for kitchen chores, a section for online chores and a section for errands. That would help me batch tasks together. But I'm sure a logical setup will shake itself out as I continue using the journal.

Something I've learned about the bullet journal community: I've been watching YouTube videos for "beginner bullet journaling" and I'm beginning to understand that some people spend a lot of time making their bullet journals pretty. Like, maybe too much time. Like, maybe to the point where they quit bullet journaling because it takes too much time. Or, they don't even get started in the first place because all they see are these beautiful, trending journals and they have a panic attack before even cracking open their shiny, new, $125-dollar, leather-bound, gold-embossed, hand-made organic paper harvested on a new moon notebook. That seems like such a shame. I think we need a counter-trend: mediocre bullet journaling. I'll start. Here are the daily log pages (circled in blue) of my mediocre bullet journal. It's been about 5 days and I have three full pages of bullets already! The first two pages of bullets mostly have a lovely x beside them 👍💪

It'll be fun to look back on this and see what changes I make to the layout as I get further along in the practice.

P.S. My cataract surgery was cancelled!! Rescheduled for next week 😮‍💨 I think this is mainly why I'm feeling burnt out. I spent a lot of mental energy preparing for this last week, and now the adrenaline is gone.

[doxiedreg]

So life update: I am slowly getting better though im still very tired and am also rn having a random anxiety attack because my body loves to bestow those on me where i am randomly anxious and stressed with no clear cause. BUt! At least I am cooking dinner again. Also lemon finally had (part of) her babies!!! Yesterday I suddenly spotted a bunch of dead fry on the gravel (likely stillborn) that the other fish were very excited about but I also saw at least 2 live fry resting on the plants! I have also spotted one today but I am not sure if any will survive to adulthood. Lemon still has a bit of a pink mass inside her rn so i dont think she is entirely done yet. Orange is also a lil bloated still but that might be because she is hogging all the food as her poop looks normal. I think ill do a general cure just to be safe once im able to catch all my assasin snails and put them in a seperate (temporary) plastic tank i have that also hold a lot of pest snails since snails are more sensitive to the general cure medication. shrimp should be fine according to the packaging. So yeah I hope this nightmare will soon be over and I can go back to doing art. I really want to get back into it but I dont feel quite ready yet which sucks because its the primary/best way for me to keep my anxiety and stress in check. So yeah, thats what is up with me rn. I miss my blorbos so much augh. Maybe send me some character asks or even asks about me or my art? Need to keep my brain occupied somehow and reading, gaming and youtube videos arent really cutting it rn. Might try watching another movie but thats also hard for my brain to push myself to. Sorry for rambling, tl;dr: Im doing slightly better but im anxious and bored out of my mind. Please send asks, it would be very appreciated. Also lemon finally popped out some babies after being overdue for half a month.