#but it only took like an hour and a half so. whatever
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So I took a little bigger bite of gummy than usual and THEN Daci insisted we watch like a half hour of tiktoks together that they'd saved (lol 90% of them were Arcane jokes, including King Princess repeatedly being a troll) so by the time I got in the shower I was already feeling it. So if my typing or sentences get weird or bad you know why
This is one of those episodes I've literally only watched twice tbh
oh hey it's my tumblr background (on desktop)
I forget why they were sleeping outside lol it doesn't matter
But Glimmer's right the person who snores loudest is always the one to fall asleep first
okay so when Adora first sees the sword and tells Catra she's like "are you brain damaged???" Adora tells Glimmer "I thought I saw something" and Glimmer's like "pssht whatever" can people stop dismissing Adora seeing shit lol (edit: foreshadowing. right.)
oh right Im watching this for Castaspella in my 60's fic lol
"I've never relaxed in my life" lol we know
I know she's not the focus of this episode I'm just happy to see her heyyyy bb
(also has anyone watched bits of this show so many times they can pick out the styles of specific storyboarders/animators? not that I know their names, but like "whomever did this scene did this other scene." anyway whomever did a few random bits of this episode worked on parts of Moment of Truth)
ALSO ahahah I caught the moment she reacts to Adora's name
...I need to learn how to edit vids, I still want to make one of every time one of them reacts to the other's name/voice, bc once you notice that they do it every time, you can't UNnotice
Catra: ugggh another Adora mission, fine, when do I leave? (like girl you are acting so reluctant but ahahah)
Shadow Weaver: Nope, I'm gonna do it myself. Clearly, no one else can be trusted to bring her back to the Horde, least of all you!
Man SW realllllly loves to rub into Catra's face that her attempts at getting Adora back haven't worked, that's gotta sting
SW's voice actor was so good
SW: creates a terrifying monster
Catra:
is terrified
writing her as a hippie/shop owner who is also a bit new-agey and ALSO, a wine aunt, is gonna be so funny and fun okay
"Oh, Light Spinner, she's just a scary tale for children" I mean....she does...scare children...
Adora has ADHD. Also Aimee had fun recording this I bet lol
Bow: sounds like this Shadow Weaver really did a number on you growing up
Anyone else reminded of the first time they told a story from their childhood and the other person reacted with horror? anyway
lol I remembered that SW pretended to be other people and taunted Adora in Catra's voice but I didn't remember when so I still fucking JUMPED when she did the "Hey, Adora"
TBH this episode's plot is half "so SW is an abusive piece of shit, and Adora and her friends are starting to realize this"
Gahhh the bit of SW talking with Catra's voice and saying "SW controls us both, she always has" is so fucking creepy. Bc she's acknowledging she's, well, controlling.
oh hey did you know that Hordak's voice actor also did Kino (Mel's brother) in Arcane
SW pretending to be Glimmer and Bow and being a huge asshole to Adora is hard to watch ahhh
The only thing worse is watching her do the extremely typical abuser speech, but ...the kind a partner usually gives, not a parent! "they don't understand you, only I do, your friends don't really like you, they're just using you, you can only trust me"
gyahhhhh
y'know....I just realized. She knew Catra and Adora were close. She blames Catra to some extent for Adora leaving. She has Catra try to get her back multiple times and fail.
Which means at this point she thinks their friendship was entirely one-sided. Like, she could've used Catra's voice to beg her to come home, and she didn't.
I hope for every abused kid to have this moment
"this is what SW does. She manipulates people, she pushes them apart." yeah
lol I couldn't get one where she wasn't making a weird face bc she's talking but eheheh
"If you want to take down Adora, you have to go for the heart." She's looking at Bow through that spying bowl but....CATRA. she misses YOU. she cares about them but she also cares about you :(
also THE HEART YOU SAY???? (was this intentional foreshadowing)
the next episode is Princess Prom, but I'm not watching that one tonight
As it is. I know social media is a minefield atm. Anyone who started watching the last three eps of Arcane the moment it dropped is done.
What's funny is that I intentionally spoiled myself for the last season of She-Ra because I knew I wouldn't be able to watch it for a few DAYS
but Arcane we're watching tomorrow, and I want to know SO BAD whether or not they fuck, but I want to find out when Daci does, via watching it!!!
So don't tell me anything.
Canāt wait to engage in one of my fave midnight hobbies: get high as balls and rewatch bits of She-Ra and sometimes post screenshots with overemotional/horny captions
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he just needs more juice
#i honestly do not like this it looks off#but it only took like an hour and a half so. whatever#payjay#inanimate insanity#paper ii#oj ii#ii2 16#inanimate insanity art#osc art#ermm hm
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"Let's fix this drawing" *redraw the whole thing*
#star wars#star wars fanart#star wars the clone wars#star wars rex#wip or finished?#no one knows#sorry for the spam#I disappear a week and come back with *nothing*#But don't complain you're lucky#meanwhile my twitt is without content since a month#Cause I'm battling with illustrations V_v#anyway I went hiking with friends#we end up getting lost and having to go through like a feet of mud#a river#and 4 hours of walking#And my body took it well wtf like zero cramp#But then two days after I think I may have gotten a cold#so idk#still pushed to the gym#tho ofc it's summer now so they are much people#and BOI lemme tell you#for a city were half the population is right-wing elderly#the only people I see at my park are doing handstand on bars or whatever high level jedi sh*t#or maybe it's the only good streetpark at miles around so cool people can only go there#and me a shy potato with my cat-ears headphones and messy hair#anyway#that's it for my life.#good night#or I will redraw his face AGAIN#TAT
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so I finished side order recently
#splatoon#pearl houzuki#agent 8#marina ida#acht mizuta#my stuff#inktober piece 2 :)#shoutout to my brother who reminded me i could replay the credits whenever because i had to get some extra refs for eight's model#and saved me from having to slog up the tower again#now if only splatoon could do that for every cutscene eh. please#i want to relive a lot of cutscenes and youre killing me for it splatoon#anyway did you know splatoon's official art has. well it wildly varies from piece to piece#they all follow like a very loose guidelines but also they all split off into their own things half the time#me with seven tabs of art trying to figure out if i want to do lines to separate pearl's fingers: so this one has lines but this one doesnt#'this one isnt relevant to this issue all fingers are splayed'#so in the end i just did whatever i wanted. i think that's a core tenet of art. do whatever you want. forever#also spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what was etched into marina's headphones#im 98% sure it is the off the hook logo. but nothing save from booting up splatoon and checking myself would say for sure#and i didnt wanna boot up splatoon cause if i did then id inevitably be down a couple hours because 'oh well im here already. one run maybe'#but regardless!! im proud of how this came out even if i was supposed to have finished two days ago to keep with my schedule#especially the bg :) i think i did really good on that.#and eight's little smile i think thats the charm point of the whole piece and it took me about ten drafts to get it properly#i think i did good on that too.#im so enamored with splatoon rn help
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Felt like doing fanart so I gave Jiro a sword
#oh my gods the front leg damn near sent me into an early grave#I saw the reference and I was like āooh thatās so cool I wanna draw that!āā#and then I started drawing and was like āoh. oh NOāā#so yeah this is as good as that leg is gonna get#the whole thing should be curvier but whatever#Iām still happy with it#which is what matters#itās also probably the fastest Iāve ever drawn a complete body with clothes!!#only took me likeā¦.#idk 5 and a half hours or so?#usually takes me multiple days#could I clean it up some more and actually draw the hands? yes.#will I? no. I donāt feel like it.#randum thots#some art i made#jirou kyouka#bnha#mha#mha fanart#my art#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#fanart
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RANT
#hey boss#u uh- u said i was working sun n wed- can i have more consistent days so i have days to block out for interviews?#.#uve been forewarned#ok so its four months into my gap year and HOLY SHIT JOB SEARCHING IS SO FRUSTRATING#so im working as a clerk at this law firm mon and wed (only 8 hours total tho)#n i THOT i had my reatil job in the bag but then boss goes āyea im really sorry but i cant give u three days - only sundays and wedsā#so i was like great ok i need another job thats cool ill just bliock out sundays and weds for potential employers#THEN on sat boss texts n goes āahhh i dont need u till next week- also can u switch ur wed to friā. ??????? MA'AM#so i go#she says sorry kid i dont WHICH IS FINE I APPRICIATE THE COMMUNICATION#so i have an interview the next day at a coffee shop for a time THE MANAGER OFFERED#i show up after having pit my day aside for this noon interview#i walk in employees go āuh ho manager stepped outā#she camnt come back for the rest of the day AND doesnt apologize in her email- just āunfourntallyyyy i didnt have time to check my emailā#MAAM YOU SEND THE INVITE#whatever#luckily last friday i was invited to this job fair by like four diff locations in san fran n was immeditaly hired#(first trial shift tmr yay!)#but the commute is gonna be KILLER#however im hopeful n i love coffee so yay#also my pet sitting is taking off ive got two sits booked for october#which is suprising bc im also traveling for half the month#manchester edenbrough st andrews milan lake como babayyyyyyy#also this thursday im heading to chicago and maine for a wedding (yay go love!) and to tenessee for another wedding in jan#so now ive got law firm retail associate barista dog sitter n i just KNOW when the holidays roll around n both retail jobs will be wack ill#be floored#but. ahem anywats good things frustrating thinsg stressful things but GOD am i glad i took this gap year#oh yea and ive been hiking tones! lands end trail#tilden park
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Finished all 4 assignments, and it only took me 9 hours of my day
š
#speculation nation#thats with a cumulative half hour break. for me eating lunch and also a ten min lie down#the real kicker is i spent an hour absolutely agonizing over a problem bc i just could not get it#only to realize i didnt have to do it in the first place.#and the problem i actually needed to do took me all of 2 minutes to finish.#so i wasted an hour of my fucking life. for *nothing*.#literally broke down crying over this problem and i didnt need to fucking do it at all.#im so angry and upset and tired. 9 hours is way too long to be working on schoolwork.#it feels like i just woke up and now it's nearly time for bed. this sucks so fucking much.#i finished all my Fucking work at least. but i really really really want to hurt something.#but oh fuckin well what's done is done. fuckin whatever.#negative/
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oh man today has not been a good day lmao
#I stay silly!!!#but what the fuck!!!#I wake up after having weird dreams#idk what drawfee and chappell roan and a party have to do with anything#but okay???#I had trouble getting to sleep too#and ugh#anyway!! I wake up and immediately my neck and shoulders hurt way more than they usually do#for some reason I decide laying my head in a weird way is an okay thing to do in response to that#except it totally isnāt because when I tried to get up it made it worse#like I literally couldnāt move#I was very close to tears about it#very close#and then once that settles I have to do dishes#which is justā¦ itās fine but itās not a task I like doing especially when Iām already feeling like shit#and then my plan/timeline gets thrown off bc my mom decides to clean the drains#and so then dyeing yarn gets delayed#(the black yarn I need for this commission wasnāt black enough)#but only by like half an hour so fine whatever#I dye the yarn and that went kinda fucky#like it worked but it was finicky and i got shit tangled at one point#but again! I got it sorted and it all turned out okay!!#but that took a couple hours to untangle shit and rewind it only to unwind it again and then blow dry it#aka way fucking longer than I wanted#and then I finally finish crocheting one out of two of the things#and I hate it. tried something new and it didnāt work and so I had to frog it#and ideally Iād have this done by Wednesday but idk man#I didnāt dye enough yarn either so Iām gonna have to do that tomorrow#and I also donāt have enough t-shirt scraps to use as stuffing#ALL THE WHILE MY STUPID NECK AND SHOULDERS STILL HURT!!!!
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Re: you are playing half-life
1) GOOD IT'S GREAT, needs a bigger fandom outside hlvrai. Also maybe look into Black Mesa- the fan made modern remake that is *absolutely beautiful,* one of the few games that would probably actually be worth $60, but is actually only $20, and is a faithful recreation with modern technology.
2) siren pups are called houndeyes! Headcrabs are probably p obvious, but also, the squid face dogs are bullsquids, and the three-armed aliens are vortigaunts!
3) pleas don't slander my boy Barney Calhoun like that he's just a security guard not a cop and in fact is canonically, actively anti-cop/anti-facist in HL2 please he doesn't deserve to have his game rejected like that PLEASE LOVE MY BOY-
Ok im sorry that's all I'm done I'm just passionate about these games I hope u enjoy them ok bye <3
!!! Oh bro youāre so good!! I absolutely LOVE people talking about things theyāre passionate about and have a bunch of facts to share!!!!
I KNOW THE NAME OF THE HOUNDEYES NOW!!! Today is a good day :)
I shall play Blue Shift then fuck yeah!!! Was just about to start Half Life 2 so Iām glad I found that out beforehand and play everything in series! Iām absolutely gonna check out that fanmade game that sounds so cool!
As a kid I was pretty much fully isolated from video games as a whole and honestly itās been a BLAST playing games that are spoiled or well known for many but completely unknown for me! I finished playing the Portal series a few weeks ago and MAN I now know why it is on such a high pedestal!! The games are wonderful and the characters are absolutely iconic. Currently going through well known earlyish PC games, the Doom games, Portal, Half-Life, and slowly chugging my way through chronologically so I can see how video gaming as a whole progressed and evolved! Itās so neat! Itās really hard trying to play a few games though, lots of games expect you to know a lot of stuff so I have to watch lots of videos to make sure Iām not forgetting a Super Important button that does a Super Important Game Mechanic. Itās so cool tho!!!! Iām having such a great time!!!!!!! Thanks for the ask my guy!! :D
#bones replies#if ANY of yāall have reccomendations for games PLEASE tell them to me!!!#yāall I didnāt realize games were so expensive itās WILD but understandable for like super well crafted and long games but WOW!!!#is cool tho!#first game I ever played on PC was Manual Samuel to get a feel for controlsā¦ my biggest mistake#Half-Life#half life is such a blast and itās funky and fun!!!#Iāve only accidentally broken the maps twice but both were fixable by reloading saves#the F6 key is a lifesaver dude#Iām so bad at games because I really donāt understand what Iām doing but Iām having so much fun!!!!#took me 37.6 hours to finish Half-Life on hard! google says it should take me 12 hours#but Iām getting better!!!!#tutorials that half life games give you beforehand are SO nice dude!!!! itās really cool because I donāt know shit#Iām rambling but dudE#that fuckin god raspy ass bitch suitcase man with the green portals#idk who he is and Iāve made it my MISSION to not search up his name until Iāve fully completed the series bc-#people go INSANE when I describe him as the crusty dusty suitcase motherfucker and I want to keep myself in my Unknown State because-#I want the true comedy of whatever Iām saying to hit me then.#i donāt care WHAT that suitcase fuck is. heās a lil bitch who owes Gordon rent money from sending him to stasis without closing his lease#Iām super excited about these funky vide of games if u canāt tell
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Ya boy got not 1 but 2 friday the 13th tattoos today!
#friday the 13th#friday the 13th tattoos#i also had some kind of allergic reaction/awful sneezing fit thing on the way home#i took zyrtec when i got home and that didnt help so i took benadryl and that only helped a little#did a covid test which was negative but i fucked up the liquid thing so it could be wrong#iāve used at least half a box of the good tissues with the lotion in them and my nose and upper lip are still raw from blowing my nose sm#i dont really think the allergy/whatever this is thing is related to the tattoos bc i dont have a rash or anything#and idek if it is allergies bc usually when i have an allergic reaction like this i also get hives and my face swells up#and that didnt happen. so idk what this is#and im supposed to go to work tomorrow but if i feel like this still theres no way i can do a 9 hour shift#but i do not have the option to call out of work bc im the only immunizer#but also my last day is wednesday so kinda who gives a fuck#idk all i know is im in bed already and itās 12:09 which is the earliest ive been in bed in forever
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What's your interpretation of the weird/annoyed look Five gets on his face when Tegan announces that she wants to rejoin the TARDIS at the end of Arc of Infinity? I know it was probably meant to be played for laughs, but it annoys me every time i watch that episode and i'm curious what headcanons people have about it.
My favourite thing I've read about it pointed out that the cybermen specifically used Tegan as a weakness against five, that she's what it took to manipulate him (and through no fault of either of them, Adric's death was part of those consequences.) The novelisation really goes in to the descriptions of the doctor transfixed with the blood running down Tegan's chin from her bitten lip, the building tension as the cybermen get closer and closer to killing her and he's shaking trying to hold himself back from admitting his hearts are so easy to twist, just by threatening his friends. (Does Nyssa ever leave the TARDIS when it's on the spaceship? The cybermen don't even know she exists til they come onboard do they?)
As for why he looks so annoyed? hmmm. Does anyone want someone around that constantly needles them? Really, I think pre Arc of Infinity that even though Tegan had chosen to stay, they still had that power imbalance or even just tension between them that she had not come on board willingly. So five is expecting that to be the continuing, I don't know, continuing manner between them and it hadn't been good. It had its moments (mainly in the audios) but as an arrangement it was not ideal as friends to explore the universe together, all that terrible beauty and awesome monsters.
But it doesn't continue on in that manner - oh they bicker and make faces at each other, sure, but Tegan's conscious decision to step back onto the TARDIS irons out those imbalances, removes that bitterness and the past of her aunt's death. So when he makes that wee face, it's in expectation of the previous status quo. And never let it be said that Tegan's one to do exactly what's expected of her.
Anyway I really hope this makes sense and I may add some more thoughts later but it's 1:50 am Christmas Eve and I couldn't sleep for thinking about this.
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It's 2am I'm back. I feel like there's also this uneasiness in five about tegan, that mirror that no one likes being held up to themselves. Their similarities but the starkly different ways they express them must be exhausting to five. and here she is back again. To push and prod and challenge and be brashly beautifully glorious. wait. that last bit was the two am shipper coming out. Anyway they draw strength and resolve and anger from each other and Tegan was vital to five, from his first moments till his very last.
#again sorry if it's not coherent but it's been a WEEK. and it's still going.#look away if you're not interested because whatever it's my boring life stuff but. worked sunday and tuesday. thursday my boss texted me#did i want to go up to the next largest city flights and accomodation paid and worked for two weeks at their branch of our shop.#(i said no thank you but holy sht.) and that whole day we'd been taking the house apart looking for dads santa outfit for reading#night before christmas to the kids. utterly gone. nowhere to be found. sister said she had one so we were like oof we can relax it's fine.#sister did not in fact have one. so we took the house apart again. still not here. friday i went out and bought the fabric and fur to Make#one (six straight hours work on the jacket alone) and the kids come up to decorate their trees.#oh! and! when i went in to work to buy the fur (i can only purchase stuff of managers it's store policy) she was like. you can't leave the#shop. stay here. and i went no???? have i done something wrong??? but another manager came down and the managers had put together little#Christmas gift bags for everyone which is so sweet because i still feel like I'm there on sufferance even though it's been like 4 months.#but then. seven o'clock or so when i was still cutting up panne velvet i get an email from the boss who offered me the chch opportunity -#he's now quitting his position at our store. two weeks notice. so I'm stressed about that because we had a good thing going where he'd text#me once a week. we'd arrange extra shifts and that was it. what if the new store manager sucks or hates me or something??#and I've got like five half finished advent fics but i just. don't have the spoons between work tired and c19 brain fog and christmas tired#anyway none of this is about five and Tegan I'm so sorry i just need about ten more weighted blankets on me.#five#tegan#an ask a palpable ask#srsly i love being asked about them or any dw opinions you are so wonderful in my eyes#tbh the advent fics are getting to the point i might just post them all the way through January and when i write little ficlets. people#seem vaguely to be enjoying them but trying to do a December thing was a bit much.#I've just realised this week was even longer. last Saturday we spent the whole day out of town with the kids. and Tuesday we went out of#town to do the stuff we'd planned to do before we had to babysit them on our planned trip day. jfc no wonder I can't brain straight
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i am sooooo tired and sad this morning
#i do NOT want to go to work#even though i'm only doing a half day today bc i have ANOTHER doctor appointment#i was looking at my paycheck last week & my boss only gave me 20 hours of PTO for the week i took off even though it should have been at#least 28 hours#cause she only gives me 7hr per day off of pto bc i don't always work 8 hour shifts and she's petty eye roll emoji#20 hours for four days off is FIVE HOURS PER DAY#so i feel like asking for sick time for the rest of my half day bc my doctor's appointment won't even matter. lmfao#idk i fucking hate it here. i don't want to fucking go there. whatever#chatpost
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hard at fucking work cleaning up my ancient vocaloid playlist. and by cleaning up i mean locating and replacing all the deleted/private songs
#it took about 2 and a half hours. but i GOT it#the only songs i couldnt either find out the names of or any reposts or reuploads of WERE#ponkansoups version of malheur de garƧon a la mode (huge shame that song was so good)#and then 3am with utane piko#and two songs i couldnt find the names of. but the rest is finally BACK!!!!!!#(i suspect one of them was a very good cover of buttercup that was deleted... i managed to find some obscure repost and save it on my phone#though ^__^)#next step is to watch and add the new songs ive collected in my watch later playlist. over the past 3 years or something like that#it has been SO LONG since i last updated this thing so ive got like 500 new songs i need to listen to and add#but thatll take even longer than replacing the old videos and i have to leave in half an hour#this playlist is seriously like my baby ive watched it grow and nourished it over the years.........#its my baby. my pride and joy. the light of my life. i love you vocaloid playlist i made when i was 10 or whatever
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Simon gets a message from reader while heās on base. Itās a video. The thumbnail looks like a blurred image of a store isle
Once he has a moment to himself, heās able to sit back and finally check out what you had sent.
The camera pans down to show yours and simonās two year old daughter. She has half a mini chocolate muffin clutched in her little baby fist and chocolate smudges on her nose and bright pink cheeks. Sheās standing, staring at something out of frame.
The camera is a bit shaky and Simon can hear you trying desperately to hide your laughter.
āBaby,ā you say, ābaby, look at me.ā You bend down to bring the camera closer to your daughter, who only turns to look at you for a second before going back to staring at the same spot out of frame.
āWho is that?ā
Your daughter raised one of her chocolate covered hands to point towards whatever it was that had been captivating her the entire video. āDaddy.ā
Simon hereās more of your pained stifled laughter and the camera follows your daughterās gaze, revealing a cheaply made Halloween grim reaper statue, with dusty purple robes, a plastic scythe, and a hilariously misshapen skull face.
He reads the accompanying texts that had followed the video.
[She just started saying ādaddy daddyā over and over and it took me forever to figure out what she was talking about]
[for a second I thought, āoh is he here?ā]
[Im so dense lol]
[she really misses you ]
[I miss you too]
The next text was a picture of your daughter fast asleep in her car seat. Now cleaned of chocolate, she had replaced her muffin with a giant plastic rat that she hugged to her chest like a teddy bear.
[she refused to leave without it]
Simon smiles. It had been a long time since he had a family. People who loved waiting for him to come home.
Your texts had been sent hours ago, and he felt bad about not responding all day.
[thatās unfair. My mask is made of much better materials]
[I miss you both too. If everything goes right I should be home by Monday]
[and donāt call yourself dense]
Simon thinks for a moment, something eating at him about that video
[I wish she didnāt know about the mask. I donāt want her to see me that way]
You respond quickly, making Simon feel worse about his delayed reply
[Dont worry about that honey. Sheās only two, and I think she only saw you wear in mask once once or twice. Sheāll forget in a month.]
[She doesnāt see you as anything other than her daddy]
[her daddy and her jungle gym]
[lol yes that too]
[Im sorry I donāt have a lot of time. Iāll try and call you tomorrow]
[ok Im heading to bed now anyway]
[goodnight I love you ā¤ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½]
[goodnight I love you too ā¤ļø]
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The way my own brain tries to sabotage my attempt at obtaining a healthier relationship with food is astonishingly irritating, mostly due to being so unbelievably illogical.
When my body started screaming about being ravenously hungry approximately two hours ago, my brain sent out an immediate, automated, unrepliable response along the lines of "No food necessary. You can't possibly be hungry, you've not even done anything today".
As if I haven't been up for, what, 11 hours, majority of which trying to internalize everything I possibly can regarding my new job, on just two cups of coffee and a small bowl of pasta. As if thinking and learning new things wouldn't require energy.
Or no, in fact, as if the task of having sustained the bodily functions of an actual real life person for the past 30 years including today couldn't possibly require more energy than whatever is in 100 grams of white pasta with trace amounts of feta cheese and olive oil, a couple of cherry tomatoes, and maybe a desilitre of oat milk.
As if I would somehow (how????) need to earn the right to, what, keep sustaining said bodily functions? In the eyes of whom, my own brain? Surely not that brain, the one that is in fact included in those bodily functions that apparently aren't significant enough to deserve to go on uninterrupted??
Like does this brilliant brain of mine seriously believe that starving myself is somehow an option that leads to a good outcome? Have we not seen enough logical proof against that? Have we not read enough articles about the ineffectiveness and dangers of diet culture?
And if reading about it really is not enough: have we not been doing that for the past 15 years with whatever is the the opposite of success? How fucking long do we have to keep repeating the same fucking behaviour before accepting the fact that it is not fucking working??????
#unspecified and undiagnosed eating disorders#unhealthy eating habits#under read more bc i know how triggering this topic can be and because i'm not sure how to tag this#but yeah it only took me half an hour or so to wake up to my very own gaslighting and now i'm waiting for my dinner to cook#i hate having to learn how to eat at 30 years old#against a brain that's hellbent on believing whatever bullshit it's internalized re obesity and health#apparently also against a brain that doesn't necessarily want us to stay alive? which i guess shouldn't feel so much like a surprise#with my history#anyway this is such a fucking boring thing to learn#i could be learning to play an instrument#or a new language#or to improve my literary analysis skills#or literally anything fun and interesting#but no#here i am trying to learn how to keep myself alive as if 30 years shouldn't be enough time to learn that#i guess i should focus on the fact that i did catch these thought processes though#instead of blaming myself for things i struggle with regardless of whether they are my own fault or not#and instead of comparing my struggles to those i see and don't see affecting other people#also it just now dawned on me that i've now spent two hours obsessing over the ways in which i struggle taking care of myself#in no productive way#bye gotta go decide what to do with the rest of my evening
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#this is a good one of these kinds of posts I swear#just wanna do a shoutout to my bestie even though I know he wonāt see this#but I love him and feel like hyping him up anyway and donāt wanna make a whole actual post about it and annoy everyone#anyway yesterday I took my car in for an oil change and tune up thing and didnāt know how long it was gonna take so I set up a ride#with bestie back to my momās place if it was gonna be a while but then they said itād only be like an hour and a half or so unless there was#actually something wrong with my car in which case weād just discuss it and go from there. so bestie picks me up at the car place and I tell#him that and say he doesnāt have to stay and I can just wait there at the place if heās busy but he says nah he gonna hang with me. asks if#Iām hungry and wanna get lunch and I hadnāt eaten yet so it worked out. went to the good Mexican place in town and order in their drive thru#I ask if he wants me to cash app him some money to cover my share and he very aggressively says āoh hell noā which was honestly adorable and#really sweet. goes on to say āgirl you know you donāt need to worry about moneyā which is also super sweet and makes me feel all weird and#wiggly inside cause Iām not used to people being kind to me in that way or just buying me shit just because. and heās always doing that kind#of stuff too just paying for my food or sending me money if I pick stuff up for us or whatever. dude got bucks at least good for him. but#yeah anyway so we got the food and then he went to a gas station to get us drinks then parked and ate and hung out with me until my car was#ready to go. even offered me money to cover the cost for the car if I needed anything major done and I could just pay him back little by#little. thankfully car is all good but his sentiment was well taken and much appreciated. gave me a big hug before we parted ways as he#usually does and bro gives the best hugs for real theyāre so instantly comforting and you really feel the love they make me so happy. and he#even is gonna help me put together a new desk and chair at my house so Iāll have a place to do schoolwork at home and finally setup my tv in#my room. dude does so much for me and will then thank me just for hanging out with him as if I did anything special at all#this man deserves the whole fucking world and Iād do anything for him. love him so much#so ye thatās my hype post for my boy cause I just had to brag about him somewhere and get my feelings out#personal
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